ginnymoonbeam

[ginnymoonbeam]

do u ever see someone elses headcannon for ur fave character and its like….. i completely respect that u have the right to that headcannon, i will not confront u at all and start needless bullshit over that headcannon…. but i will silently sit here and give you the sideways glance of the century

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Style: I fucked my way into this mess. Style: And I'll be DAMNED if I can't fuck my way out.

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The Broken SIM Card Broke Me

Seriously. My brain stopped processing during my first watch.

Trigger Warning - this post references the SA. I am not using images from it if that clarification helps you decide whether to read.

Fujisawa's reactions to Sei's actions have always been a mixed bag.

Sometimes they are intentional and purposeful.

Sometimes they are unintentional and/or involuntary. You see that when he quickly pulls back from Sei's advances after the party.

In Episode 4, Sei asks for the TV. Fujisawa quickly agrees. Sei admits that's not what he wants, and Fujisawa quickly cuts Sei off and immediately says he has to go to work.

Fujisawa hadn't planned the discussion about the TV.

Sei then immediately trips over the table and cracks his nail.

It's unintentional damage. It wasn't planned.

It's painful.

But a cracked nail can be repaired. This damage is temporary.

But after the SA, Sei purposefully breaks the SIM card.

This is intentional damage.

There's no repair for it.

This damage is permanent.

With the broken toenail, Sei kept walking despite the pain.

Sei still talked openly with Hagiwara. He admits he's embarrassed. He admits he doesn't like hospitals.

When Hagiwara reached out, he responded.

Unlike with the toe, Sei isn't verbalizing that he's in pain this time.

By breaking the SIM card, Sei has broken the lines of communication. (E-mail still works though. Right?)

He's shutting himself down and shutting Hagiwara out.

The show uses phones as a symbol of our inner selves and most intimate parts. Just like his phone, Sei's no longer functioning.

He's broken. 😭😭😭 It's not just a cracked toenail this time.

But there's hope. Hagiwara isn't going to ignore Sei. He isn't going to let Sei just walk away. He reaches out. He always does.

Unlike his relationship with Kaori, Hagiwara's not passive with Sei. He initiates and takes action.

Unlike his relationship with Kaori, Hagiwara's doesn't hide his thoughts from Sei. He calls Sei out on lying.

And even though Sei shut him out, Hagiwara keeps reaching out.

I trust that he will continue to do so.

Hagiwara and Sei connected with each other and communicated without phone calls in the early episodes.

I'm holding out hope that they will find a way to connect again.

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Hagiwara isn't off the hook.

He shares responsibility in the state of his and Kaori's relationship, and I'm not talking about the cheating.

Put down your pitchfork. Just hear me out.

I adore Hagiwara. He cheated. I don't care. I have mentally added him onto my list of "good boys". I will make a special category just for him.

I'm also not making excuses for Kaori. She must own up that she kept Hagiwara on a string while knowing it was hurting him.

However, their relationship was doomed to fail. They need different things. Kaori needs a relationship where sex isn't expected, and Hagiwara needs a relationship where he can be fully open and honest with his feelings and desires. Frankly, he needs something deeper than Kaori can offer, and I'm not talking about sex.

But the relationship shouldn't have lasted this long, and that's on BOTH of them. It's perfectly okay that Kaori doesn't want sex. It's perfectly okay that Hagiwara does want sex (and intimacy). The problem is that neither of them communicate about it.

Before we go further, there are some points that need to be established. Also note - the symbols are EVERYTHING to me.

1 - Kaori/Hagiwara's relationship is NOT the same as Fujisawa/Sei's.

Their relationships share similarities, but they are NOT the same.

Sei's relationship with Fujisawa developed as a trauma response to a violent car crash. It has carried violent undertones the entire time.

The symbols convey that Fujisawa has methodically trapped Sei in this relationship.

But Kaori and Hagiwara's relationship? It starts with a romantic meet-cute. It was warm. It had saturated colors.

Their relationship does not have a violent undertone. It has an undertone of passivity and complacency. Of note, Hagiwara didn't initiate anything in this relationship. He's waited on Kaori's lead.

The door is open. Hagiwara could leave at any point.

These two relationships also do not have the same power dynamic. Kaori DOES control many aspects of the relationship. However, Kaori has control of the relationship because Hagiwara lets her. Fujisawa has control over his relationship with Sei because Fujisawa demands it. There is a difference.

In fact, the show actually has already acknowledged that there are different types of "controlling". The coworker's relationship isn't painted as unhealthy. Some of us may see it as unhealthy, but the show doesn't give ANY indication of that itself in sound or symbols.

2 - I am in the camp that thinks Kaori DOES like or care about Hagiwara.

Not because I believe her words, but because I believe in the symbols. Kaori made Hagiwara rice.

The rice that represents home and affection? Kaori made it. It's just her version had a sour plum in the middle.

And when she offered it, Hagiwara willingly chose to eat it. He knew the plum was there, and he ate it anyways.

In this week's episode, Kaori explains herself, and she's in black. This is not a typical color for her. She may be smiling, but she is mourning.

We could discuss in length about whether emotional abuse is in play here or if it's just an unhealthy relationship. That's not really the point of this post. Either way, we know that Kaori was finally being honest and vulnerable.

WE SAW HER FEET.

Feet shots happens when our character's true feelings and motivations are exposed. Sei has beautiful heels (desires) but his toenail is broken (😭 Just like his Sim card, but I can't go there right now). Both Kaori and Hagiwara have feet shots too. No broken toenails. In this case, Kaori's feet stop moving. Unlike Fujisawa whose body moves on it's own, her body won't move.

She can't make herself take action to deal with the situation with Hagiwara. Her choices are selfish, and they hurt Hagiwara. However, I actually think that's very realistic and very human. In unhealthy relationships (and even healthy ones), we can often hurt the people we care about. It's not easy leaving an established relationship. Especially, one that you want. We're not all as altruistic as Hagiwara.

But Hagiwara isn't off the hook.

He shares responsibility in the relationship lasting until this point.

Sei admits his relationship has problems.

But Hagiwara? He denies that they have a problem at first. He's choosing to ignore reality. A conversation with Sei later shows it too.

He wants to believe they've been honest with each other.

Even though he's not verbalizing his actual thoughts to Kaori. For those that don't remember, he has an entire sequence in his head at the BBQ with their friends of what he wants to say. But he doesn't say it. He's not being open and honest with Kaori.

He's also hiding what he truly desires. Kaori didn't say he couldn't drink the sweet coffee. She said it was unhealthy. Sei said it was unhealthy too. He drank it around Sei anyways.

He even bought it FOR Sei even though Sei thought it was too sweet. Hagiwara initiates with Sei.

It's actually been shown that Kaori doesn't care what Hagiwara eats. He's allowed to eat whatever he wants. Kaori isn't telling Hagiwara to go to sleep or eat the yogurt.

She controls sex (and maybe their social agenda). However, unlike Fujisawa, Kaori doesn't keep tight control on Hagiwara as a person.

Unlike Sei, Hagiwara isn't isolated. There's no traumatic backstory. He's more self-confident than Sei. Unlike Sei, he talks about the things he CAN do rather than things he can't. For example, in episode 1, he mentions that "he's good" at organizing parties.

Unlike Sei, he's not trapped in a locked room.

His affection might have been contained and hidden. I think he wonders whether Kaori has things she has to keep inside, because he knows there are things that he keeps inside.

He's not trapped. He's stuck. There's a difference.

Hagiwara didn't forget his ID. He didn't forget who he was. He lost his ID, because he's losing confidence in his relationship.

But he's still walking around this building freely. Apparently, he's been walking free without that ID for months. And when he gets a new ID? He chooses to put it back in the case that Kaori gave him.

He wanted to change his picture, but he hadn't taken the steps to do so. He could've changed the situation by being frank with Kaori at any point. Just like Kaori, he avoided. He has chosen to stay.

He chose not to call Kaori out. He doesn't like making people uncomfortable. His nature is to prioritize the other person. Unlike Kaori, it's inherently unselfish. But it got him stuck. I'm someone who was actively taught to avoid confrontation and to always think of others first. This hits hard. Being a little bit selfish is a good thing.

He chose NOT to talk about sex with her. He's not comfortable bringing it up with her, because he's not open with her.

Kaori doesn't communicate about sex, because she's afraid that not wanting sex makes her a bad woman. She's surrounded by heteronormativity after all. As @babyangelsky points out, this is what society treating libido as swamp does to you.

Hagiwara doesn't communicate about sex, because he's afraid prioritizing sex makes him a bad man. After all, wouldn't breaking up with his girlfriend just because of sex make him a bad person? Isn't his desire just making the river murky with swamp water? Stupid swamp. He doesn't realize sex is not the real issue. In the end, he has chosen to stay in this relationship even though he's unhappy.

It's why I had positive thoughts about the breakup scene. A lot could be said about Kaori forcing Hagiwara to be the one to breakup, but I was actually glad that Hagiwara said it. It was on both of them that the relationship lasted this long. Neither of them had been willing to speak up about what wasn't working. They both stayed stuck.

Hagiwara is finally speaking his mind. He calls Kaori out.

Hagiwara is no longer being passive. He's asserting control.

Hagiwara is no longer hiding what he wants. He's being open.

Hagiwara is now taking action to change the picture on his ID.

Previous posts about Hagiwara:

The Desire to Be A Good Man

I also have two additional posts about Hagiwara in my drafts. I'll try to get them posted this weekend.

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Source

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ふったらどしゃぶり Futtara Doshaburi (2025) | EP 5

It's raining quite heavily in Tokyo. It's like when it rains, it pours. "When it rains, it pours" is a proverb that means misfortunes happen at the same time.

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YOUTUBE DROPPED THE EPISODE 7 PREVIEW IN MY LAP! IT’S NOT SUBBED PERO NO ME IMPORTA!

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All Apologies

As soon as Hagiwara got to the diner, Hagiwara immediately apologized to Kairo for cheating; however, she did not acknowledge the apology. Instead, she immediately began questioning why Hagiwara slept with Sei, a man, while she smiled.

She did not apologizes until after she acknowledged that Hagiwara never blamed her for their relationship falling apart or was disrespectful to her.

Which prompted Hagiwara to apologize again.

Fujisawa did not apologize until the next day and he stated he didn't mean to hurt Sei.

And after that, Sei apologized and responded that he knew Fujisawa didn't mean to hurt him, which also happened during the toe incident.

But every time Hagiwara apologizes to Sei,

Sei reassures him it's okay and not his fault.

But Hagiwara also does the same for Sei.

Which is why Hagiwara and Fujisawa are good together.

Kairo doesn't take accountability for her part in the relationship dissolving, which left Hagiwara always taking the blame. He thought he was being too selfish and making her uncomfortable. And instead of Kairo talking to Hagiwara, she ran off and mailed him back his phone, but when Hagiwara wanted to speak to Sei, he met him.

Fujisawa is so used to Sei excusing his behavior, that it becomes Sei's automatic response to all the harm Fujisawa does to him, so when Sei explained to Fujisawa about the affair, Fujisawa resorted to violence, but when Sei tried to goad Hagiwara the same way, Hagiwara quickly apologized.

Hagiwara and Sei are so used to thinking they are the problem and excusing their partner's behavior that they started believing they are bad people, but even though they know what they did was wrong, they also won't let the other person think it was solely his fault.

In their relationships, they were constantly left with all the blame, but in this affair, they share the burden, and they share the guilt. They never allow the other to feel like he, alone, is to blame. They never let the other feel like the bad guy. They reassure each other, and they apologize immediately.

They are equals.

[ginnymoonbeam]

All the heartache for Sei in Hagiwara's eyes

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Source: cooheart @ ig

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It's interesting, isn't it, that Fujisawa and Kaori's reactions to learning about the affair both essentially boiled down to: "Not only did you have sex, you had sex with a man."

Kaori openly says that she would've better been able to forgive and forget the affair had Kazuaki been with a woman. Fujisawa is angry that Sei had sex at all and he's especially angry that it was with a man. He was so much more demeaning than Kaori was but it all comes down to the same disgust about sex.

Fujisawa didn't have to say outright that he thought Sei was dirty and wrong for having sex with a man for us to understand what he meant when he said this. It was in his tone and his expressions and even his actions. Forcing himself on Sei was a way to re-exert control and punish him for being dissatisfied enough with their situation to seek out someone else.

Meanwhile Kaori has such a profound need to not talk about things or acknowledge them that she mails her boyfriend his phone back instead of talking to him face to face until she's left with no other choice. And when they do talk, she STILL can't make herself break up with Kazuaki or even admit that she's dissatisfied in this relationship.

This is what the swamp does to people. However much it may be a social construct, a bullshit idea used to shame and control, the damage that it does is very real. Not just to our perception of sex, but to our perception of ourselves, our relationships, and the people around us.

Fujisawa's a whole can of worms but let me be clear about Kaori. She isn't wrong for not liking or wanting sex. That isn't a problem. That is just as much of a normal state of existence as wanting and liking sex.

The problem is that she has actively avoided thinking about it or questioning it to such a degree and for so long that she hurt not only herself, but her partner as well. She's desperately clinging to the idea of what a normal woman is supposed to be. She couldn't even bring herself to end a relationship that society has taught her she's supposed to want even though she does not want it.

THIS TOO IS THE WORK OF THE SWAMP. THIS IS WHAT PATHOLOGICAL COMPLACENCY LOOKS LIKE.

Reading this I realize it may not entirely be a straight line that I've drawn between point A and B so I hope it makes at least a little sense. I do think there's an argument to be made that there's internalized homophobia at play here for both Fujisawa and Kaori. Especially for Kaori since she admitted that Kazuaki's masculinity turns her off, but my brain is vibrating far too much to make it right now.

[ginnymoonbeam]

15 Day BL Challenge

Day 59: What's a hill you're willing to die on when it comes to BL?

Variety is good!

We are getting so many different shows at the moment and there are many that I don't watch because they're not my thing, but I still love that they exist. And of course it's fair to sometimes be disappointed when a show is different from what we hoped it would be, but I am very tired of people turning that personal disappointment into an attitude of 'this show shouldn't exist or shouldn't have been made this way' when it really is just one show among many.

And that includes stuff that gets problematic if it becomes a pattern!

Like, gay people not kissing? In countries where gay people never get to kiss on screen while all the hetero couples do - yeah, that's clearly censorship! But if we get a lot of BLs with kissing and sex scenes and then there's also one couple from one of them that doesn't kiss at all - that's a good thing! You know, asexual people exist! And they should get more representation than one character every blue moon who looks straight into the camera to explain asexuality.

That trope of 'I don't love men, I only love this one man' - yeah, not great when that is all we ever get. But some people genuinely feel like that, so it's fair when we still get representation for that too sometimes.

Tragic endings - same thing. When all queer love stories get tragic endings, that's a problematic pattern. When once in a while in the midst of all the happy BLs there is a tragic one, that is actually good!

This also holds for the future. Do I want more BLs where the mains are non-monogamous? Yes, of course. But I also want to keep the ones where the main couple desperately only wants each other. Do I want QLs that have a more even gender distribution? Yes! But I also want to keep the ones where the majority of the cast is either male or female.

And none of these shows will ever capture the queer experience. Because there is no 'the queer experience'. There are as many queer experiences as there are queer people and we all deserve to find parts of ourselves in the media we watch.

Okay, last rant for the BL challenge over. (Is it even a rant? It comes from a place of love for QL more than anything else.)

15 Day BL Challenge: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4

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What I was most afraid of, when Sei and Kazuaki met at work, was that Kazuaki's storm of feelings would clash with Sei's post-trauma state and create a rift neither of them could come back from. That happens, all too easily, and it isn't necessarily the fault of either person.

But instead Kazuaki saw the marks on Sei, put together what happened, and read between the lines of Sei's deflection and dissociation. Even in this VERY very bad moment, the understanding and care between them runs so strong and so deep. And I loved how Kazuaki talked to him about it: he made it clear he sees through the defensiveness, he didn't make his feelings Sei's problem, but he didn't let Sei shut him out of the narrative of what happened.

I can't believe there's only one episode left.

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Never change Philly

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How did you get in here? It’s thanks to Kant’s connections. I’ll be teaching here regularly. So I’ll see you every week.

THE HEART KILLERS | EP12

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if i were fifteen i would do everything wrong again in a slightly different way

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Jay: so Fadel was in prison

Style: And he was a hitman

Jay:

Style:

Jay: Thank God, that means he can handle you. I was getting a bit worried there