#this fits in with Paul being totally not as normal about the whole relationship and his feelings and attachment towards John

[johns-prince]

Think I gotta make it clear that I believe that, outside of John and his very special very unique very extraordinary nobody else touch it relationship with John, Paul is actually quite Immoveable Heterosexuality.

We know about the girls, girls, girls! Paul's reputation for not only not capable of happily sitting still but to have the twitchiest dick amongst them. I'm not saying all the game is true but it's true Paul was a fitting rock'n'roll whore.

Immoveable Heterosexuality... With just one tiny exception.

It's just that, I've never read about Paul having the same sort of Relationship that could compare with the one he had with John, the unavoidable chemistry, friction, electricity, and attraction on so many levels no one has been able to correctly pin it down yet. When ever even asked if he could meet someone and establish the same sort of collaborative partnership, Paul has immediately shut it down.

Not even his own wives have come close to what he apparently had with John (they were basically soulmates, as Paul had put it once, amongst other comparisons like lovers/spouses)

Like I mean it with true conviction, John might've swung both ways, but Paul's sexuality has consisted of girls, and, very especially, of John Winston Lennon.

He's Lennonsexual, don'cha know.

[ltwharfy]

"Bob's Burgers" Season 9 Episode Ranking Rewatch (Long Post)

So, I've been rewatching "Bob's Burgers" from the beginning and ranking the episodes using the spreadsheet that @babsvibes created! If you want to know why I'm doing this or how I view the 1-5 rating scale, you can check out my Season 1 post! If you want to check out any of the other seasons, I've been using the "bob's burgers episode ranking rewatch" tag for all of them.

Now, on to Season 9:

Average (Mean) Score: 4.55

Mode (Most Common) Ranking: 5

Ranking Breakdown: 12 5s 10 4s

Season as a whole thoughts:

"Bob's Burgers" is turning nine and it's feeling *uses inhaler* fine!

Seriously, this is just another really excellent season in my opinion. It joins Season 4 and 8 as one of the seasons to not getting any episodes rated lower than a 4, and it's average score is good enough for 4th place of the currently ranked seasons below 7, 4, and 5. In some ways, it reminds me a lot of Season 7- a great mix of humor and heart along with introducing some new characters and other innovations- it's definitely representative of the series at its best, in my opinion.

Some thoughts on specific episodes (and feel free to ask if you want my thoughts on an episode I didn't comment on):

"Just One of the Boyz 4 Now for Now": It's a tough call, but this might be my favorite season premiere and my favorite "musical episode" (ie: one with more than the typical 1-2 songs). All the songs are absolute classics and great parodies of romantic comedy tropes! it's really a brilliant episode. It's hard to name a favorite song, but I think I might have to go with "Friend Zone" just because "Now let's kiss over this cake/'Cause it's your birthday, I guess" always cracks me up. The baby rat subplot is also really fun, and a great use of Hugo. And this episode gives us another (brief) appearance of Louise's Boo Boo crush, which is one of my favorite running gags! A great way to start the season.

"The Taking of Funtime One Two Three": While we're on the subject of great songs (or we were recently) "let an egg roll, from your egg hole" and "if wooly mammoths had had wheels maybe they'd still be around" are among the "Bob's Burgers" song lyrics that are always living in my head. Sadly, I rarely have an occasion to say either of them in conversation. I do like to say "To what end, people?!" occasionally, so thanks for that, Trip. Anyway, this is another classic "The Belcher Kids and their friends have an adventure episode" with a healthy does of Mr. Fischoeder and some fun moments with Yuli the security guard, one of my favorite minor recurring characters.

"Tweentrepreneurs": I love this episode because it helped inspire one of my favorite future career headcanons for Louise (and an outlined multichapter fic I'll probably never write). While taking over the restaurant or being a film director seem like the most obvious future career for Louise, this episode has the biggest of about three canon moments that inspired my "Louise Belcher, future labor union organizer" headcanon. I worked in the labor movement for several years and I just think would Louise would love it- taking on the rich and powerful, helping other people stand up for themselves, causing good trouble- it's a really good fit for her. And here she is, leading a walkout at age 9! (And, given my fondness for her relationship with Rudy, I have to mention that it's her concern for his health that is the final straw leading to the walkout.)

"Nightmare on Ocean Avenue Street": Probably my favorite Halloween episode; definitely has my two favorite Halloween costumes! Rudy and Bob are probably the two characters I relate to the most, and it cracks me up that their costumes in this episode are totally things I would do: "what? It might look like I'm wearing normal clothes, but actually I'm totally Paul Rudd or Bruce Springsteen, can't you tell?!" Also, I don't think I've mentioned before how much I love the guy who's about to throw the candy into the incinerator. He's really one of my favorite one-off characters. Dude just got out of six month coma, doesn't know what day it is, still goes to work...and apparently will just throw anything into the incinerator that anybody tells him to (unless he gets a more compelling reason not to)? I think he might rank second after the "Boyz 4 Now" security guard as my favorite nameless one-off character.

"I Bob Your Pardon": Maybe my third or fourth favorite Thanksgiving episode! I've always had an interested in politics and journalism (I wanted to be a journalist when I was a kid) so this hilarious small town Thanksgiving turkey pardoning scandal really hits a lot of the right notes for me. If I had become a journalist, I definitely would've stolen "Well, somebody better call Huey Lewis because I may have found myself some news" as my catchphrase. And the end credits song is a total banger! "Don't you taint my mayor!"

"Better Off Sled": An excellent Christmas episode! Generally speaking, Louise and Logan's dynamic isn't really my jam, but I enjoy them here. The one-upsmanship of the snowball arms race is a lot of fun, and the "stupid Christmas" ending is sweet but not too sweet and feels totally in character for Louise. Also, I can't help but love this exchange: "Then why does it look like your butt could take a sheet of fresh-baked cookies out of the oven?" "Genetics?" (Kristen Schaal's delivery of "genetics?" is one of at least three times on the series when she absolutely kills me with her delivery of a single word). All that being said, I think Teddy is the real comedic MVP of this episode- pretty much everything he says cracks me up! And I love that Rudy is basically the one who saves the day for the Belcher kids! And Knitcracker, I can't believe I didn't mention Knitcracker yet! (That said, it's still not my favorite Christmas episode since it doesn't involve any references to murder mannequins.)

"The Helen Hunt": I feel like this might be one of my least popular shipping opinions but...I like Teddy/Kathleen! Not in the sense that I want to create fic or art for them, but I just think they are kind of sweet together. Like with Roger and Judy from "Aquaticism" they have that "awkward middle-aged people finding each other" vibe that this awkward middle-aged single person finds appealing. And I think her pretty easygoing, laidback nature is a nice contrast to how stressed out/excitable Teddy can be. And I always enjoy people who watch odd sports! Okay, Teddy/Kathleen aside, I also just enjoyed that they did a followup to "Housetrap", and the father and hot son plumbing duo subplot is so cute! "You, you make plumbing fun..."

"Bed, Bob, and Beyond": One of the things I've noticed in this rewatch, is that I really enjoy the three-story episodes (aka vignette episodes aka triptychs aka who knows what else some folks have called them.) I think what I really enjoy is that the reason for them is always different, and therefore it always says something different about the characters and their situations. it's not just the Simpsons having a trio of non-canon Halloween adventures ever year. I think showing Linda and Bob having a stupid fight, and the kids view of it and their efforts to get them to reconcile, was a really clever use of one of these stories. Also, if I am ever asked to do an English accent, I will likely say "I'm watching footie on the telly in the pubby where the beer is". (Which is probably offensive, so please don't ask me to do that!)

"Every Which Way But Goose": Another thing the rewatch has made me appreciate more: Jimmy Jr. and his relationship with Tina. I never hated J-Ju, but I will say that I probably took him and the Tinimmy relationship for granted- it's been there since almost the beginning but I never really thought much about it. But the rewatch has helped me realize how funny of a character J-Ju is (it's just a really funny voice by H. Jon Benjamin) and how the Tinimmy relationship has given us some really funny episodes- most notably this one and "Ex Mach Tina", which are both all-time classics in my book (and, of course, they play a big role in "Bob Actually" as well, but I like that one for other reasons as well.) To me, it's clear from this episode and others that J-Ju does care about Tina...he's just very much a 13 year old boy. So, he's occasionally thoughtful but more often dumb or oblivious. Also, the end credits song to this one is another classic. I wish I could go to a concert of "Bob's Burgers" music just so I could scream out "secret kiss with Bruce the Goose" with thousands of other excited concert goers, because that is what that lyric deserves, dammit!

"The Gene Mile": So, I recently posted about how much I enjoyed some of the Rudy moments in this one. This is another great "Belcher kids and their friends" adventure; and I really wish that Courtney and Alex had more appearances in stories like this- where they and their relationship with Gene isn't really the center of the story- they are just part of the gang! It's always fun to watch different combinations of the kids have fun together. Also, nice for Large Tommy to get his largest role- going back to Season 1 of the rewatch it's funny to think that he was introduced much earlier than some of Louise's more iconic classmates (Rudy, Chloe, Millie, Jessica, Harley, etc.).

"P.T.A. It Ain't So": I feel like this might be the first example in the rewatch of an episode that really grew on me. A lot of the episodes I've given 5s to were ones I remember loving as soon as I saw them. Or they were "sleeper hits" that I had basically forgotten about before rewatching. This episode I remember when I first saw it, and I remember thinking it was fine but nothing great. But on rewatches I just find myself enjoying it more and more. I really love the Kim and Sons hardware store bird subplot- especially the ridiculous flyer the kids make. Also, it's fun watching the kids play with their pipe in the background (such a great kids being kids moment)! But the PTA stuff is great too- I love the fact that Tammy's Dad is Linda's PTA bestie for some reason! And Linda's idea of Colleen being in the shark suit for the dramatic revelation! And the Bleach Boys! Also, as someone who headed a neighborhood political group for a while, Joanne's line "Do you have any idea how many emails I send a week? No, you don't because no one reads them" resonates with me.

Random thoughts (stuff that doesn't affect the ratings):

-More great new characters continue to arrive on the scene! Hi Susmita! Hi Arnold!

-I would totally watch Randy's movie "A Life, Well, Steved". "And I thought to myself, 'I can't take another hurdle. I think I am that baby turtle.'" That's some beautiful, profound stuff there.

See you in the Season 10 post! It could be pretty soon since I've already watched rated it all- just need time to write!

[nerdzzone]

Only For A Moment: November [part two]

Summary: A series of shorter one shots from Chris and Whitney’s life together throughout the pandemic. Some happy times, some harder times, some fluff and some things a little more sexy - they work through it all as they try to get settled in their new and blossoming relationship.

Chris Evans x OFC

18+

Part of the Once Bitten/More Hearts series

Only For A Moment: October + November [part one]

Note: Life is very hectic at the moment so this was edited quite quickly. I think I caught all the mistakes, but I’m sorry if there’s any accidentally left in.

______

The photo shoot the next day went amazingly well. After being out of work for almost ten months, it took me a little while to get back into the swing of it, but I hit my stride quickly once I'd settled in. It helped that I was working with people who made my job almost effortless. Sebastian and Anthony had such good chemistry and were so good at what they do that we got through the day with no hiccups and I had more than enough photos to give Marvel what they'd asked for ten times over.

When I got back to the hotel room, I was in a great mood and it was made even better by the surprise for Chris that I had with me.

"Chris?" I called out as I walked into our large suite. "I'm back!"

He lifted an arm to wave from where he was sitting on the couch, his attention still fixed on the football game that was on the TV.

"How was the shoot?" He asked. "How are Mackie and Seb?"

I smiled, knowing he was about to be very excited as I answered him.

"Why don't you ask them yourself?"

That question got his attention and his head shot around to see what I was talking about. As his eyes landed on the two men standing behind me, a grin burst onto his face.

"No way!" He laughed as he leapt up to join us. "Hey, guys!"

All of us - Chris included - had been tested several times over the last few days to make sure that we were all virus free. There was obviously a small chance that one of us could have picked it up some time after one of the many negative results, but I was fairly confident that was pretty unlikely as we'd all been as careful as possible so I'd invited them over for a few drinks. Our hotel room was big enough for us to all keep our distance anyway and I knew that Chris would appreciate the chance to catch up with his friends.

They both greeted Chris before Anthony looked around the room.

"This place is nice!" He observed. "Marvel must love you, you could fit my room in here at least three times!"

"It's not Marvel who loves me," I smirked. "It's Chris - he upgraded our room."

There was a goofy grin on Chris' face as our two guests 'aww'd' in tandem.

"That was too cheesy," Anthony teased. "But man, don't you love me too? Where's my upgrade?"

"I'll get you next time," Chris laughed. "But to be honest, I thought you'd be staying with Sebastian now that you two are a power couple."

Sebastian snorted out a laugh, but Anthony nodded his head.

"I know, man! That's what I said, but Sebastian still won't tell me where he lives!"

"Because you're so obsessed with my couch that I'm worried you'll steal it!"

"Shouldn't buy yourself a five thousand dollar couch if you don't want people to talk about it," Anthony joked, making Sebastian roll his eyes.

"It didn't cost anywhere near that much money. You've never even seen it, I don't know where you got all these ideas from."

"When are you two getting married?" I interrupted with a smirk on my face as they both turned to look at me, their confusion clear. "Sorry, you've just been bickering like an old married couple all day. I was wondering when you were going to make it official."

"That's what we should be asking you two!" Anthony turned it around. "When did this happen anyway?"

"April," Chris answered, sliding his arm around my waist to pull me close. "After a month trapped in a house with me with no other options, she was finally desperate enough to give me a chance."

"That is not what happened," I laughed. "It was more just the fact that being trapped in a house together made us finally have some tough conversations that we'd never had the guts to have before."

"Well, I'm happy for you," Anthony grinned. "And some people owe me some money because I knew you'd get together eventually."

"Wait, you were betting on us?" Chris asked. "With who?"

"Not me," Sebastian was quick to interject, but Anthony just shrugged.

"There was a bunch of us in on it," he admitted. "Downey, Pratt, Renner, Hemsworth, Paul Rudd, Lizzie Olsen, and I think even the Russos. Someone was keeping track of it, I'll have to make some phone calls."

"I don't even want to hear about this," I laughed, shaking my head. I wasn't at all surprised, they were a tight crew and there was plenty of downtime on set for them to get up to all kinds of antics, but I had no desire to hear who was betting on our situation. "So, shall we have some drinks? What does everyone want? I figured we could just order from room service."

After a brief discussion on the matter, we ordered several beers for the men and a bottle of wine for me. It arrived with impressive speed - no doubt a perk of being with a group of celebrities in a penthouse suite - and we all settled around the living room, trying our best to keep some distance between us.

We chatted and caught up, discussing what we'd done to keep ourselves busy through lockdown and when things might start to be more normal - the usual pandemic conversations. The boys were just delving into some sports discussions that were totally lost on me when I received a message from Lisa saying that Grayson was having a bit of a moment and asked if I was able to call. It broke my heart to think of him missing us so I excused myself and did as she asked.

He was crying when she passed him the phone and I felt awful, immediately filled with guilt that we’d selfishly decided to stay in New York for the whole weekend. We would have arrived home quite late if we left right after the shoot, but as I couldn't remember the last time that he’d stayed overnight with someone other than Chris or I, it suddenly seemed cruel to have left him for so long.

He was in bed already, but unable to fall asleep so I chatted with him for a bit before singing him the lullaby that I'd been singing to him since he was born. It worked like a charm and once he was out, Lisa took the phone back.

"Is he doing okay?" I asked, fighting back tears of my own. "Has he been like this all day?"

"No, no, of course not!" She assured me. "He's been totally fine, we've had a great time. He just got a bit weepy as I was tucking him in."

"I'm glad he's been having fun," I sniffled. "I hate to think of him being upset."

"He's just fine, sweetheart," she insisted. "This will be good for all of you. It's good for him to get used to being away from you two and it must be nice for you two to have a break."

"It is," I admitted. "It just feels selfish when he's upset like that."

"Well, sometimes even us moms need to be a little selfish," Lisa laughed. "And selfishly on my part, it's been wonderful having him here."

I smiled, knowing she had been quite excited about their little sleepover.

"We really appreciate you taking him."

"It's absolutely my pleasure. Now, I'll let you get back to whatever you were doing and I will see you tomorrow."

"Thanks, Lisa. I'll message you when we're heading out so you know when to expect us."

She assured me that they'd be home whenever we arrived and we said our goodbyes before I headed back out to the living room.

"Everything okay?" Chris asked as soon as I sat down.

"Yeah, for the most part," I sighed. "Grayson just got a bit upset at bedtime, I guess. He was crying and wanted to talk to me, but he's fine now."

Sensing I was feeling a bit emotional about it, Chris reached out and squeezed my hand as Anthony spoke.

"I was hoping you'd bring the little man with you. How's he doing?"

I smiled as a grin burst onto Chris' face. He went into a long, somewhat boastful explanation of just how good Grayson was doing, informing them of his extensive dinosaur knowledge and his impressive skills on his bike. It was heartwarming to hear the pride in his voice as he spoke and it was even nicer to see Sebastian and Anthony's genuine interest in hearing about him.

"They grow so damn fast, don't they?" Anthony commented. "One day they can hardly move and then suddenly they're practically BMX champions."

"Oh, no," I shook my head. "It took a good five months for me to allow him to take his training wheels off. He won't be BMX-ing any time soon."

"Well, I hear things are always scarier with the first one," Sebastian pointed out. "Maybe your next one can be the extreme sports star."

"Yeah, that's a good point," Anthony agreed. "When are you having another?"

I tossed back my last sip of wine before letting out a laugh at that question and side-eyeing Chris as I poured myself another glass.

"Did Chris pay you to ask me that?"

"No!" Anthony laughed. "But it's been, what? Four years? Seems like it's about time for another."

Chris snickered as he took a swig from the bottle of beer he was drinking, clearly feeling validated by Anthony's comments, but I just shook my head.

"We've been together for less than a year," I reminded them. "That's hardly long enough to start thinking about another baby."

"Sure, it is," Anthony shrugged. "Maybe not if the relationship is brand new, but you already have one kid, what's the harm in throwing another in the mix?"

"And we already know that we can work together as parents through complicated situations."

I shot Chris a look after his interjection because I really didn't think his friends needed to be involved in a discussion like this, but Sebastian chimed in as the voice of reason.

"It's more complicated than that though, isn't it?" He asked. "Babies are stressful and can ruin a relationship if you're not ready for it."

"Exactly! Thank you, Seb."

"What does he know?" Anthony teased. "He's never had a baby."

I rolled my eyes as I sipped my drink, trying to ignore Chris' smug face.

"If you're such a big fan of the idea, Anthony, why don't you have more kids?"

"More? I already have four!" He laughed. "That's more than enough. Hell, after being in lockdown with them, you could have one of mine if you're not ready to have another of your own."

"I think we're good with one right now," I insisted with a smile. "At least until we see where this whole pandemic thing ends."

"Alright, alright, that's fair," Anthony relented. "But just remember when the time comes, Anthony is a solid name. Or even Antonia for a girl."

"Actually," I smirked. "I do quite like the name Sebastian."

Sebastian barked out a laugh over Anthony's protests as Chris came up with a compromise.

"Sebastian Anthony Evans?" He suggested.

"Can you imagine?" I giggled. "Your fans would lose their minds. You'd have to raise him together, you could make a reality show out of it."

"That's a money making opportunity right there," Anthony grinned. "You just let me know when you need me to show up."

"As entertaining as that sounds, it won't be any time soon," I insisted before changing the subject. "What about you, Sebastian? How's your love life going? Any babies on the horizon?"

His cheeks instantly tinged pink at the attention being flipped onto him as he answered the question and Anthony’s teasing shifted to him.

-

About an hour later, after our guests left, I found myself stretched out on the couch with my head in Chris' lap as he ran his fingers through my hair. It felt so good that I was resisting the urge to purr like a happy cat when Chris distracted me with a question.

"How was the shoot?" He asked. "I just realized that I never got an answer."

"It was great," I smiled up at him. "It felt weird at first after being away for so long, but Sebastian and Anthony are such goofs. It helped me relax and get back into it."

I felt his body shake as he chuckled, no doubt knowing his friends well enough to imagine the antics they got up to.

"I'm glad it went well. Maybe now there's more projects starting up, you'll start getting more job offers again and you won't have to go so long without doing it."

"Oh, I've had plenty of job offers," I admitted. "But most of them I'd have to travel for or they just seem too risky."

Chris was clearly surprised by that confession as I hadn't mentioned any of the proposals I'd received to him, but it didn't seem important when I'd never even considered taking any of the jobs.

"Why didn't you tell me about it?" He asked. "We could have worked something out and made it happen."

"Because I didn't want to accept any of the offers," I assured him. "I don't feel super comfortable flying around the country right now and most of them had pretty half-assed safety protocols in place. This was the first one that was close by and had a clear and thorough safety plan. Marvel wanted me for Wandavision too, but I would’ve had to go to L.A. and I didn't feel great about that."

Chris frowned, his fingers pausing momentarily in my hair as he mulled over my answer.

"I get it, that's solid reasoning," he nodded. "But I'm sorry you've had to make decisions like that. I know you love what you do."

"So do you," I shrugged. "So do a lot of people who are currently out of work. I've got it pretty good, I try to focus on that."

"Sure, but that doesn't mean you aren't allowed to miss things too," Chris insisted before letting out a sigh. "Do you ever worry that things won't ever get back to normal?"

As I looked up at him and saw the melancholy look on his face, I felt a wave of vulnerability wash over me.

"Not really," I admitted. "I worry more about what will happen when they do..."

"Oh?" Chris raised an eyebrow. "How come?"

"Well, don't get me wrong, I don't want anyone to get sick anymore and I don't want any more people to die. I want to see my family again and meet my nephew and I want Grayson to be able to go to school and make friends," I prefaced my statement. "But for us, it's been really nice. We've been able to figure each other out and build our relationship without anything else interfering and I just worry that when things go back to normal, it won't work."

The hurt that flashed across Chris' face made my chest tighten. I hadn't meant to upset him, but it was foolish of me to think that my doubts wouldn't be hard to hear.

"You don't think we'll stay together when the lockdowns are all done?"

"No, that's not what I meant!"

"Well, that's what you said..."

"I said it was something I worry about," I clarified. "And I do. It'll be a lot harder when we're both working again."

"It's one thing to think it'll be harder," Chris scowled. "It's another to think we can't make it work. Are you planning on running at the first sign of trouble?"

Feeling the panic bubbling inside me, I pulled my head out of Chris' lap and sat up so I was facing him. I did want to run away in that moment - his harsh tone hurting my feelings and making my defences bubble to the surface - but I reminded myself of how avoiding our problems had worked for us in the past and tried to stay calm and explain myself.

"I'm not going to run away, Chris," I assured him. "And I don't really appreciate the way you're speaking to me right now. You asked a question and I explained my feelings, but instead of wanting to talk through that, you're immediately getting upset. I'm allowed to have concerns and all you're doing right now is making them worse."

Despite my frustrations, I kept my voice calm as I spoke and it seemed to have the desired effect as the tension in Chris' body eased slightly.

"Sorry, you're right," he sighed. "I just thought we've been doing so well, I'm surprised that you still have doubts."

"We're just living in such a bubble right now," I pointed out. "When everything goes back to normal and we're both back at work more, we'll be so busy. Balancing that with making sure Grayson gets enough of our attention, it might not leave much time for us and that would strain any relationship."

"It'll be more of a challenge than it is now," Chris agreed, his words spoken cautiously as if they were carefully chosen. "But most parents struggle with balancing their relationship with time spent with their kids. We'll just have to make the effort."

"But we have more to cope with than most parents."

He looked skeptical of that claim.

"How so?"

"Well, you'll be away a lot once you start filming things again," I reminded him, knowing that his next project had plans to film in L.A. and Europe. "And you'll be surrounded by beautiful, smart, talented women who I pale in comparison to."

"That’s not true, but regardless, I won't even look at them twice." His voice was firm and for a moment I worried that he was annoyed again, but as he took my hand in his and lifted his eyes to meet mine, he just seemed sincere. "I love you, Whitney. I only want to be with you."

"I know, I do, I know that. I love you too and I trust you, but I guess it just still feels like you being in love with me is too good to be true."

"I don't think that you do know," Chris insisted. "I'm completely committed to you. I know it's only been a few months, but it's been some of the best months of my life. What we've been doing - you, me and Grayson just hangin’ out and being a family - it's what I've been dreaming of since he was born, it's what I've always wanted. I can't imagine a future without you in it, I don't even want to think about it. I love you and I love the life we're building together."

I felt my eyes grow glassy as he spoke, my heart melting at his words.

"Wow," I murmured quietly. It was a lame response to such heartfelt words, but I was trying to process everything he’d said and, after a moment of staring into his beautiful eyes, I choked out a laugh. "That almost sounded like a proposal."

Chris chuckled and nodded his head.

"I know. Even I wondered where I was going with that for a minute there," he admitted. "It wasn't, but it's all true. I'm in this for as long as you'll have me."

He lifted my hand up to place a kiss on my knuckles and I suddenly felt ridiculous for having any doubts.

"I feel the same," I assured him. "I really do. I don't want you to think that I'm not as invested in this as you are. I just like how things are now and thinking about it changing scares me."

"It'll be different, but we can make it work."

I smiled and crawled into his laps, letting my knees rest on either side of his thighs.

"I guess I've just been spoiled these last few months," I mused, pressing a soft kiss on his lips. "I don't want to share you with the world, I want you all to myself."

Chris chuckled as our foreheads rested against each other.

"You really are clingy," he teased. "I always thought I'd be the needy one in this relationship."

"Shut up," I giggled, pressing our lips briefly together again. "And for the record, all those sweet, wonderful things you just said aren't getting you any closer to convincing me we should have another baby yet."

Chris' head fell backwards as a laugh burst from his chest.

"Alright, alright, well, it was worth a shot," he smirked. "But seriously, that's how confident I am in us. It wouldn’t even scare me if we did because I know we can handle it."

I smiled even though I probably didn't share quite that much confidence in our future. I wouldn't bet against us, but I wasn't ready to bring a baby into a situation that might not be such smooth sailing in a few months.

"We have to think about Grayson too though," I pointed out. "He's had a lot to deal with the last few months, a lot of big changes. Throwing a sibling at him on top of everything else might be a little bit cruel."

"That's true," Chris relented, looking a bit defeated for a moment until a smile slid onto his face. "He'll be such a good big brother though. He'll be so excited to teach him everything he knows."

"Him?" I questioned, raising an eyebrow. "We're going to have another boy, are we?"

"Him or her," Chris shrugged. "I'd be happy either way."

I couldn't help, but smile at his enthusiasm. It was a nice thought even if it was clearly a more distant fantasy for me than it was for Chris.

"One day," I assured him. "I love you, Chris."

"I love you too."

With a strength that never ceased to amaze me, he then stood from the couch, lifting me up with him. I wrapped my legs around his waist, giggling at the impressive feat as he carried me to our bedroom where we spent the rest of the night showing some physical appreciation and love for each other.

-

December

Tags:  @maggotzombie @moonlacebeam @mizzzpink @zaylaugh @flowery-mess @flowerjewels @njrronaldo7 @hockeychick10 @partypoison00 @theladybiers @sidepieces @firoozehmoon @patzammit @sparkledfirecracker @mytbel0st @chvntelle-99 @mjey12

[laundryandtaxes]

I get where you're coming from, but I think in this instance with Elliot Page it's more about the specific accomplishments/actions/statements made before transition and the rush to erase them and/or remold in terms of the new identity. I think people in the public eye have a bit of a different circumstance surrounding them since people/society have this weird thing with public figures where we consider them sorta authority/important figures above regular people and emulate or idolize them, so it's not quite the same as an average person living through the same situation. I feel like I wouldn't even bat an eye at an acquaintance or local person I've met before transitioning and I certainly wouldn't bother a stranger, but a celebrity is putting a certain message out there with their actions and how they handle their lives. It comes with being famous, and this whole thing with abandoning the past, changing the nature of past roles and works, and disavowing any statements made before transition as associated with womanhood or lesbianism is not exactly a good look. I also think that by becoming famous and choosing to live in the public eye, you open yourself up to public critique and you don't (and shouldn't) have the ability to fully control that. Honestly I think this situation could have been handled better or something if this is them living their truth, but it's not like you can change things that already happened anyway so 🤷‍♀️ it is what it is.

This is probably the only time I’ll address this because I honestly don’t care all that much BUT I do want to respond because I think you’re being honest and normal here instead of dishonest and weird, and I appreciate that, but there are several points where I disagree. I’m gonna pull and highlight different parts because I’ve been spending a lot of time on reddit and it seems the easiest to me.

it's more about the specific accomplishments/actions/statements made before transition and the rush to erase them and/or remold in terms of the new identity 

That may very well be the case with SOME reactions, but I’m very much referring to people who, within a few hours of that social media post, were whining in public about someone they don’t know using a new name and pronouns.

I think people in the public eye have a bit of a different circumstance surrounding them since people/society have this weird thing with public figures where we consider them sorta authority/important figures above regular people and emulate or idolize them 

I totally agree with you here, but if people are doing that then frankly they are acting stupid and that is their own fault. Celebrity culture is stupid. Buying into it is stupid. As grown adults it is stupid to be invested in what strangers do because they’re decent actors, or because they’re famous and gay or famous and black or whatever. If someone is engaging with celebrities in this way, that is their own fault, and it is a poor decision and it is honestly just...stupid. And I say that having been on the other side of that weird relationship on tumblr on a scale that is obviously about a million times smaller, where people will just assume because they’ve followed you for a long time that they can talk to you in ways that are disrespectful if you’re not a friend, or have the right to have input on your life, or place stock in you being a certain kind of way.

a celebrity is putting a certain message out there with their actions and how they handle their lives 

Again, the issue here is that you THINK they are putting a certain message out there when in reality they’re just living a life, with good decisions and bad decisions like everybody else. They are literally just people, just like the other 7 billionish people on the planet. Was Paul Walker putting a certain message into the world when he crashed his sports car into a tree in a residential neighborhood and died? No, he was just being stupid and making a stupid decision and doing something to have fun. It truly is not that deep. Celebrities are nothing except human beings that some people choose to keep up with. They’re literally not even special. There are musicians as talented as all your favorites who you’ll never have the opportunity to listen to. There are actors as talented as whoever won the last big acting awards (I get them mixed up) at your local theater, I guarantee it.

this whole thing with abandoning the past, changing the nature of past roles and works, and disavowing any statements made before transition as associated with womanhood or lesbianism is not exactly a good look 

I haven’t seen any of that, and if it is happening then yeah I agree it is stupid but also people say and do stupid things literally every single day and I shrug and move on. But even if it IS the case, it is not what the people I’m referencing here were bothered by. They were bothered by someone transitioning because they had an investment in that person (who again, is only special in the way that any other random human being you pull of the street would be special) not transitioning, and it is stupid to have that kind of investment in a straight up stranger. It is one thing when you have a buddy that you think is transitioning for the wrong reasons or with unrealistic expectations, and it is one thing to look at the rates of masculine female people who transition and just scratch your head because the rates of us who can only find dysphoria mitigation through transition cannot possibly be this high- both super reasonable imo. It is another to find out some random person is transitioning and whine about it on the internet and expect people not to regard that behavior as ridiculous when it is, in fact, ridiculous.

by becoming famous and choosing to live in the public eye, you open yourself up to public critique and you don't (and shouldn't) have the ability to fully control that 

Agreed here. I also think that if you believed you were x and millions of people made fun of you for it, since again celebrities are literally just random people, you’d be upset by it. But agreed, at the end of the day you cannot and should not get invested heavily in attempts to control the way people look at you.

Honestly I think this situation could have been handled better or something if this is them living their truth 

All due respect, I think the kinds of people complaining that I was referencing agree with you that the whole thing could have been handled better, but I think that “handled better” in their opinion means not coming out. Which, fair enough, but you have to own up to that and just cop to the fact that you generally oppose transition- it is much more reasonable to say that than it is to say you don’t generally oppose transition but every time you hear about it you assume it is coming from self hatred.

I’ve been pretty open about what I think about nonbinary identity (and, while I try to stay very uninformed on celebs in general, it is my understanding so far that that’s how they are identifying) AS it is expressed and discussed by the majority of people I’ve seen fully embracing it- I think the majority of the time it implies really antifeminist things about what men and women can do and like and look like and be like, I think it very often appeals to women because it sucks to know that the world hates women and to be one, let alone to be one who doesn’t fit the image of what women are supposed to be, I think it very often solidly reinforces gender roles by insinuating that people who do not fit the prescribed gender role for their sex are in fact a whole different entity because real women are straight and pretty or whatever, I think it very often hinges on this idea that the majority of people in the world are walking around with a gender identity when the vast majority are absolutely not- like I am not coming at this from the position that all kinds of identities are good and valid and reasonable and that there is NOTHING TO SEE HERE when it comes to the politics of how nonbinary identity is most often presented. I’m just saying that, if a random person who happens to be a celebrity picking a new name and pronouns really deeply shakes you then that probably indicates that 1) you have a baseline issue with transition in and of itself, which, okay but don’t pretend that that isn’t the case, and 2) you have a problem with celebrity worship and that is nobody’s fault but your own if you’re a grown adult.

[fanatiquee]

❤ : What are your muse’s thoughts on love? If they are not in a relationship, do they believe that they will ever find a perfect someone for them?

𝓡𝓪𝓷𝓭𝓸𝓶 𝓗𝓮𝓪𝓭𝓬𝓪𝓷𝓸𝓷 𝓜𝓮𝓶𝓮! ooc:

This is such a rich question, and I hope I can answer it with even an ounce of the nuance it has in my mind. I think Louis is very easy to fall in love, and probably always was in his youth too. He was quick to fall in love, but very reluctant to ever act on it. I have a whole elaborate headcanon about Louis falling in love with a school friend of his, who has almost developed into an OC for his sheer prominence in Louis’ imagined backstory, which I have mostly developed writing in private with @deromanum. He’s prone to such fits of passion, but he very clearly over-thinks things to the point of it being almost crippling, which I think is where his reluctance to make good on his feelings often comes from. (That, and the dreaded Catholic repression, which coupled with his family expectations made it almost pointless in Louis’ mind to do anything about said feelings.) Thus, I think he accepted love would be secondary to obligation; he would be forced to marry and start a family, eventually. But I firmly believe that love has always had extraordinary power over Louis. He has definitely always read love poems, romance has had a subdued but consistent current in his life. I’m sure there are some extremely risqué letters battering around in someone’s attic signed L.d.P.L written under the duress of liquid courage and a fit of imploding desire, that very much would not have matched up with how cool Louis would have appeared when he next ran into the Beloved Friend he addressed them to. 

There are, of course, many different kinds of love, and in one form or another love has informed the course of his life both mortal and immortal. Louis’ love for Paul drove him to the point of near madness and dipsomania. Louis’ instant infatuation (and then love) for Lestat completely chained him to the other vampire, and the very same thing happened when Claudia came along. Louis loves with such unutterable devotion it borders on consumption. He is so willing to do anything for those he loves, often to his own detriment, and  it quite often leads him to do things he otherwise normally would not do, or might not normally allow. Louis fell in love with Armand almost instantly, because Armand appealed to the part of Louis that craved to be needed, and wanted. He’s so vulnerable to being loved, or perceiving that he is loved. He requires passion to live, being so passionate himself, and feeling so deeply. 

I don’t know whether Louis necessarily believes there is someone perfect for him, because it would mean accepting entirely that he is deserving of that kind of total devotion in love, and I’m not sure if he’s there or ever will get there, on that. But I think for him, there is no life without love. 

[potentially-lemongrass]

Hey I’m a member and think I might be bisexual but I’m not sure. I’m also not sure how to explore my sexuality within the standards of the church. Any advice?

Hello anon! First of all, I’m so incredibly flattered that you trusted me enough to reach out. Hopefully I can provide some advice. Please know that i don’t have all the answers but I’ll do my best. This might get really long bc i want to share anything I can (I apologize if this have typos bc it’s 2am for me rn 😱)

I’ve most definitely been where you are right now. I was scared and trying to figure out something that I couldn’t even quantify and struggled to imagine because the law of chastity often means that you grow up without any real experience with anyone, regardless of gender. I fully understand why the Church pushes no sex before marriage but I think that can often leave people feeling very confused about any kind of sexual feelings and stressed about how to deal with it.

1. Please know that there is no rush to define your sexuality, especially if you’re young. I really do mean that. If you’re freaking out about this, you can also just put a pin in this and figure it out later when you’ve had more time to just be alive and experience more stuff. Also, if labels are tricky and don’t feel right, then scrap them. Queer is a beautiful word and many many people use it to describe themselves without needing to define further. ALSO, VERY IMPORTANT. You might decide that you’re 100% straight. That’s fine too. I worried that iId be seen as attention seeking or being gay bc it’s “trendy” if i decided that i was straight. But the truth is if you’re straight, you now have questioned your sexuality (which is healthy bc now you truly know what you’re into) and you’ve also gained a valuable look into what it’s like to be queer in the Church and you can now be an advocate for those who need it. so please know that whatever you come up with (gay/straight/bi/ace/etc.) is all totally fine.

2.  Hang out with other queer people. If you’re interested, message me off anon (I won’t know you’re the one who sent *this* ask and you can join the Queerward Discord server where you’ll be in excellent company.) Go to Pride if you can. Check out queer books (if you’d like, send me another ask and I’ll give out a list of my favorite queer books). Compare experiences with other people and see if that resonates with you. Finding a community can help tremendously. 

3. Do some imagining. Can you truly see yourself in a relationship with someone of the same gender? Holding hands, going on dates, kissing them? What about having sex? Does that sound like something you’d be interested in? i know that sounds obvious but see if you can really imagine it.

Then go back through your memories. Was there a specific friend that you really wanted to hang out with more than everyone else? Did you ever imagine being in a relationship with a same gender friend as a kid? When you got physical contact from same gender friends, how did that feel? When i looked back over my time in elementary through high school, I realized there was the best friend that I always wanted to impress, the way I got uncomfortable when girls sat on my lap, wanting to live with a girl when i was “grown-up”, staring at girls more than was normal. There were lots of little things that I hadn’t noticed before but now made a whole new picture.

But the best way to figure out your sexuality is to explore it and you’ve obviously already realized this. In my mind, the law of chastity is to prevent pre-marital sex (any kind of clothes off, pleasure seeking situation). If you’re not doing that, then congrats you’re following the law of chastity! 

To say otherwise just because your partner is the same gender as you is blatant homophobia in my eyes. So technically holding hands/going on dates/kissing/etc. are all allowed if you’re queer. The Strength of Youth does not clarify what exactly “homosexual/lesbian behavior” is, so i choose to believe that whatever rule is applied to straight people is applied to queer people as well.

If you can find someone you’re interested in and they’re interested in you, just be honest with them. Tell them that you’re uncertain about your sexuality but you like them and want to give this a try. Remember to be honest and be kind but then just see how it goes.

Your sexuality and how you choose to express it is completely between you and Heavenly Father, so I can’t tell you what to do or not to do. I know that the Church would prefer to have gay people remain celibate but that often is too high a price for some and the Apostle Paul taught that celibacy was not for everyone. Please know that Heavenly Father loves you and seeks for your happiness as His top priority. Reach out in prayer and scripture study. Personal revelation is very very real and He is eager to speak with you. If you later decide you regret your choices (whatever they may be) remember that repentance is also powerful and our Savior seeks to help you the very second you ask for help.

I don’t have the answers for queer members. Every single day, I wish that I knew how we’re supposed to fit into the Plan of Salvation. But I know a few things for certain. You are SO SO SO loved and important and your growth and happiness is the supreme goal of the God of the Universe. Your sexuality is important to who you are and it’s totally okay to question it, change your mind, or take a long time to figure it out. You aren’t alone in this and there are lots of people who can help you. If you ever watched VeggieTales growing up, don’t forget that “God made you special! And He loves you very much!”

And please feel free to drop me an ask any time. My inbox is always open and I’ll help however I can.

Love,

Ryn

[melyaliz]

The Yellow Umbrella pt.5

Masterlist 

Fandom: Marvel 

Summary: Eating cookies and whip cream -NOT- off each other 

Pairing: Demon Lord! Loki x Reader

Notes: I’ve been struggling with this story. Like I have the outline and everything but… I feel just a little lost with where I am going. So I may take a small break. Idk.  I think it’s more I want it to be funnier but I don’t think it is. Then again I’m reading it over several times. 

Or it’s just me 

All Masterlists @melyalizarchive

Connect with me! AO3 / Instagram / Pinterest

DONATE or REQUEST

------------------------------------

Loki sat up looking around the bedroom, curled up in a soft blanket and cuddled up with a stuffed pig. His new friend. His pig was getting more action with him than his secretaries at the moment. He had been here more in the past few days than his own bedroom really. 

Maybe he was acquiring a taste for cotton over silk. 

Getting up he noticed the fluffy pink robe laying on the floor. Picking it up he gracefully wrapped it over his body. Sadly there were no slippers. It did, much to his delight, have a hood with bunny ears.

“Well don’t you look adorable” the lady of cotton said looking up as Loki walked into the living room. She was scrolling on her phone as the tv played. A plate of cookies and can of whipped cream on the table in front of her. Loki just nodded, pulling the hood over making the bunny ears flop in front of his face. 

“I felt like I needed some sugar this morning,” she said, noticing him looking at her place of sugar. “If you want some you will have to risk Mr Mewoly”

“For those cookies, I will take the risk.” Loki’s pink ears bounced as he made his way to the kitchen. A pot of coffee sat on the counter as well. Opening the cabinet where he remembered seeing Yue pull out a mug he was greeted by a line of cream cups all etched with dark lettering  “Coffee, Hot chocolate, Tea” as well as some bowls that said soup pasta, and cereal. 

Pulling out an appropriate Coffee mug and helping himself to come coffee before risking his life grabbing a few cookies from the demonic cat’s body. Was it just him or did it’s eyes look even eviler than he remembered? Maybe he should get one of those, to guard his office when he isn't around. 

“I like your informinate dishware” Loki said, flopping onto the couch next to Yue who smiled at him. 

“It’s so I don’t forget.” she said as Loki grabbed her feet draping them over his lap before,“By the way, these cookies are amazing. Totally worth the risk.”

Loki nodded as he added a healthy amount of whip cream to his cookie before taking a bite, “Jeff, my assistant, got them for me.” 

“Oh fancy you have an assistant.”

“That I do.” Loki said, taking another bite of his cookie. His free hand gently stroked her ankle as he studied the TV. The two twins were battling some crazy puppets or something. He wasn’t totally paying attention, still waking up.  

“So your assistant’s name is Jeff huh. Do you also have a name?” Yue asked. Loki paused licking sweet cream from his lips as she flashed him a cheeky grin, “See what I did there, smooth.” 

He couldn’t help but chuckle, She was as cute as her choice of robes and dishware, “Very” taking the last bite of his cookie he savored the taste for a moment before speaking again,  “Loki… and you?”

“Loki?” she let out a light laugh “what are you some norweedic god or something? Did you parents hate you? Like Thor I could see but… Loki? Wasn’t he like… the bad guy”

“Not bad necessarily… more like... smarter than everyone else.” 

“Still, Loki? Why not just say Hades, at least that bitch was loyal.”   

“Laugh it up, what’s your name?” 

“Yue”

He tried, but really he didn’t have much to say to that, “it fits you.” he said nodding. It did. It fit her like everything else in this apartment. It was just so… her. 

“So…” she said settling back into her couch of comfort, “Please don’t take this the wrong way but, I like this…. thing we have going.”

“Speaking of loyalty.” Loki said, raising an eyebrow, “I don’t really do relationships… I mean this has been fun, don’t get me wrong but, I’m not about to feed you some pomegranate seeds or whatever.”

“No, that’s what I mean. I like THIS” she motioned between the two of them, “No strings attached. Feeling like we don’t own anything to the other person.” 

“Well in that case I’m all for this thing we have.” 

“So you’ll keep stopping by?”

“I’m only a text away.” 

Nodding Yue pulled out her phone handing it to him, “I’m here for texting. I like to do things with my friends.” 

“Never want to get in the middle of that.” Loki said taking the phone entering his number, “I can always meet after if you're down.” 

“Deal” 

Her hand was still out so Loki took it and shook. Making it officially official. His slender fingers wrapping around her own. 

It felt like the beginning of something. But the fact was it kind of was.

The beginning of nothing. 

-----

“So you guys basically shook on being hook up buddies?” Sammie asked as she took a cookie from the plate that was on the table. 

“I think it’s cute” Riley said, “did you get him some snacks or are we special?”

“Well he actually got us those cookies,” Yue nodded down the now demolished plate of cookies. She had brought over to Sammie’s apartment for movie time, she would say night but it was more early evening. They were watching clueless with a bowl of carrots. And cookies because Yue refused to spend the whole night eating only healthy food even if it was for the memes. 

“He’s hot AND he gets your amazing sweets!?!” Riley moaned, “Are we sure this guy isn’t fake?” 

“Like what?” Sammie shickred, “Is he a cardboard cutout?” 

“Yes, he’s just got a cutout of Brendon Urie and I have been carrying him around pretending it’s my side piece.”

“I like how this cardboard cutout isn’t even your boyfriend. He’s a side piece which means you can sleep with other cardboard cutouts.” Sammie picked at the hole in her sock that had been slowly growing since the movie started. 

“I have Paul Rudd bringing me cake for lunch and Frank Sinatra delivering pizza for dinner.” 

“Living the dream” Riley chuckled, “Oh I have an idea! After this movie  let’s find you something to help him eat your cookie” holding up the image of a local sex shop on her google maps. “They close late like a good sex shop too.” 

“Really Riley?” Sammie said looking up at the shop skeptically. “We have like 6 other movies planned.” 

“We could always watch them after. Go on a quick adventure.” 

“Adventure!” Yue giggled, “Come on Sammie maybe we can find you something tasteful for your presentation on Monday.” 

“Yes I’m sure the Magic Cherry will have JUST what I need to help me pitch my website design on Monday.”  

“Something Leather maybe? I’m sure the party planning company will be super into it.” 

“Yue’s right, after all they ARE all about partying.” 

Sammie fought back a smile as she tossed Yue a hoodie. “Let’s just get there before they close. I don’t want to be those jerks who are there when the workers want to leave.” 

Yue nodded following her friends out bouncing up and down on the balls of her feet. Feeling giddy with excitement. “This is the craziest thing I have ever done.” 

------------------------

“It was the craziest thing I have ever done” 

“That’s where you have been? Doing the craziest thing ever?” Jeff asked as he came up behind Loki holding his black umbrella. Loki surveyed the dark road as they both slowly walked under the large red bridge. 

“Yep we watched this show called Gravity Falls.” 

“What?” 

“It’s a popular children’s cartoon.” 

“A children’s show?” 

“We ate cookies with whip cream.” 

“Off each other?” 

“Out of bowls,” Loki pulled out a pair of white rubber gloves from his pocket, putting them on. 

“Oh, did you… was she young?” 

“For human standards no, you know I don’t mess with anyone who is not within reason.” 

“Cookies for breakfast is the craziest thing you have ever done? Really?” Jeff sighed, closing the umbrella shaking it. Most of the rain had slowed at this point and from where they were standing it wasn’t really doing much good anyway. 

Loki chuckled slowly crouching down. Holding out his hand he waited for Jeff to hand him his cane. Which he did. “I wore a fluffy pink robe with bunny ears.”

“I guess it’s important to have new experiences.” his assistant sniffed looking around tugging his coat closer to himself. 

Loki nodded using the sharp end of his cane to poke at something. 

A dead body. Half its face already decaying in the muddy ground, eyes missing. Around it several others. All their eyes missing bits of their body decaying.

“You sent these vampires out only two days ago.” Jeff, “You think it’s the faceless?” 

“No” Loki sighed standing up, “This is something else. Something worse.” 

“What should I tell the others?” 

“Stay in packs and if anyone knows anything to come to me right away.” Loki turned surveying the site that lay before them. He had sent for the vampires from Seattle to go down to LA to check on Brandon after the LA demon hadn’t shown up for their meeting. While not unusual it hadn’t sat right with Loki. 

Now with almost ten vampires laying here dead and the rest missing he was starting to worry. If someone had overthrown Brandon they would normally approach Loki. New terf lords would want to make a truce with the most powerful Demon Lord on this continent. 

No news, in this case, meant nothing good. 

-------------

“They have butt plugs that have tails,” Riley said holding a pretty pink and glitter one, “And a unicorn horn, I could fulfill all my little kid dreams and become a unicorn.” 

“Please don't refer to yourself as a little girl in here” Sammie frowned, “It’s weird.”

“Ok, sorry sorry.” Riley said looking over the other items on the wall. “I have been wanting to try these,” she said, pulling a pair of nipple clamps. Sammie, already feeling VERY out of place just looked down at her phone nodding.

“Get whatever you want, I just don’t want to picture you and Sam… doing stuff.” 

“Ok fine,” Riley said, grabbing ones she thought she would like before walking over to Yue who was looking over a rack of panties.

“Find anything fun?” 

“Yeah a few things, What do you think?” she asked, holding up a lacy lingerie. A pretty green color.  

“Love the color” Riley nodded before grabbing a pair of fluffy black cuffs, “Get these too,” 

“Ok but I want the pink ones,” Yue giggled thinking about the morning where Loki had dressed up in her bunny robe. He looked good in it. Under all that eyeliner and studds he was just a big dork. She found it hilarious and would do everything to keep messing with that side for her own amusement. 

“So are you guys meeting up tonight?” Sammie asked, coming up nodding toward the set Yue was holding approving. 

“No he hasn’t texted me.” 

“So what about late dinner? Gary was saying we should go out to this speakeasy place.”

“Oh let me text Sam,” Riley said, “He’s been wanting to go there. Yue you can just find your Paul Rudd while we are out.”

“Or just enjoy the company I’m with.” Yue snickered, “I don’t have to spend every night hooking up.” 

“What’s the fun in that?” The cashier chuckled as she took Yue’s things. 

“A girl needs at least one night to herself.” 

“Well you got the wrong stuff for a night by yourself.” the cashier said as she wrapped everything up, “But I do have some dildos on sale if you want some you time.” 

--------------------------

Sam had responded almost immediately that he would pick the girls up. Something about a long week and just wanting to be with his lady. So rushing back to their apartment the girls quickly changed out of their jeans and hoodies into more slutty hipster attire. (A girl’s gotta dress the occasion after all) 

Once she was more speakeasy and less “I am cuddling with my two best friends watching movies” Yue grabbed her bag and walked outside her apartment. After locking her door she turned almost running into a tall dark haired man. Dressed in a red leather jacket he was smoking a cigarette. Yue’s eyes instantly went up to the man’s bold white streak that ran across the front of his black hair. Blue eyes looking down at her amused. 

“Oh, excuse me.” 

The large man shrugged holding out his cigarette pack “Want one?” 

Yue shook her head, thrusting her keys back into her purse, “I’m good thanks.” 

He nodded putting the pack away, “You’re all dressed up, going somewhere fun?” 

“Yeah just dinner with friends.” 

“Nice, I’m visiting a friend, know any good places to go?” 

“Uh well we are going to Idain Basian but if you want something more happening, maybe like Valencia street?” 

“Oh sounds good, I’m not big on waterfronts.” 

“Well I hate to break it to you but San Francisco is basically an island.” 

This earned her another chuckle. “True, well have a good night and be careful there’s a full moon out tonight, never know what crazy you'll run into.” 

Yue nodded walking toward the gate of the complex where her friends were waiting, turning back she got one last look at the man, for a moment she could have sworn it looked like his eyes glowed. 

Maybe she was watching too many cartoons. 

Or maybe he was just a bunch of gnomes in a trench coat. 

No, she was definitely watching too many cartoons. 

-GET TAGGED!- 

Masterlist 

Forever tag:  @the-shadow-of-atlantis @coffee-randomness @0hmydeku @xx3fsxx @daisyboobear  @jason-redhood @hello-i-lovespiderman-blr  @pinkwitch21 @tomhncharliep  @cdwmtjb8

Story:  @irwin-hood @hit-th3r0ck @cruel-kitten @boofrarti @i-miukimiuki @mmimagine-40 @mynameofuser @pia-1000 @angelgl16 @the-fifth-marauder03 @plutos-deamonchild @frenchfrostpudding @carydorse @neverleturheartshow2​ @sebhiddleston​ @probsjosh @dracaryspowpow @andrea20967​ @saiyanprincessswanie​ @olive-tini @albinotigerpython @wonderlandfandomkingdom​ @alessia--winchester 

[wainwrightjakobshammerlock]

finally. i decided to do this. anyways hello there, i am jake and today i want to talk about something; you see, if you are in the tf2 fandom, you probably know about heavymedic. Wherther you are a hardcore gamer who resents f2p’s or a person that never played the game but has trillions of notes on their art- you know heavymedic exists and most of all you probably ship it.

And I find that weird. In the few fandoms in my life I have been in I had never seen a single ship be so widely if not shipped, then accepted. Sure, maybe everyone in the GF fandom knows what Billdip is - for better or for worse. Sure, maybe the HS fandom is 70% shipping.

But I have never ever seen such a phenomenon in a prominent multiplayer game fandom. A fandom, sadly, oftentimes filled with toxicity. Overwatch is very similar here - yet ships are either a hot topic of discussion or straight up ignored. But TF2? In here for whatever reason we ship these two mercenaries. And in this essay I will try and find a reason or two why is that.

Apologies for any mistakes or incoherency. English is not my first language, I need to ramble, and my vocabulary is all over the place.

Content warning: mentions of homophobia, blood, death, mentions of WLW fetishization, nsfw mention. Also MASSIVE SPOILERS FOR THE TF2 COMICS.

Part 1: Canonical Evidence and Interactions

Let’s be honest: I could ramble about this one for days on end. But I’ll try and keep it short.

First and foremost we have the official videos. And of course the first thing that comes to mind is Meet the Medic.

At the very start of the part where Medic himself appears, we see him telling a joke about a particularly gruesome situation to Heavy.

He laughs along with him, visibly enjoying his company. He even smiles as he waits for another joke. Heavy only shows genuine fear a lot later.

And of course this damn scene always cracks me up. Medic slightly pinches Heavy’s cheek and strokes his lip gently (the other part is almost not noticeable unless you play the video at slow speed).

Of course we all know about the Hand Hold that happens somewhere halfway in the vid. I don’t think I have to explain the gayness in that. The fact their hands stay interlocked even after Medic helps Heavy up. The deep breath Medic takes because even he cannot handle the emotions. That few seconds is unresolved sexual tension manifest.

Overall the short shows a strong feeling of trust between these two. Medic confides in Heavy and reverse. Yeah he puts a baboon heart into his friend’s chest cavity but the fact (as proven at the end of the video) that Heavy was the first one to have an Ubercharge implanted into him shows that Medic at the very least considers him a lab rat.

I treat End of the Line as non-canonical, as do many others, and as such won’t discuss it here. But it will forever crack me up that Valve endorsed such levels of homoerotic subtext.

These two have some short moments in other videos, like for example in Invasion Heavy helps Medic up (CINEMATIC PARALLELS) but it’s nothing major so I guess I’ll skip forward.

Second is their interactions ingame. You might call me a weirdo for trying to find stuff in there but holy shit I have things to say and I’m going to say them.

You thought I was going to fanboy over the “i love this doktor” voiceline huh? Well not really. I wish these two had unique lines if they assist one another.

Heavy is literally listed on the official wiki as the “ideal medic buddy” and multiple pages on that exact wiki say some pretty interesting things.

I have to say something about the Gentleman’s Ushanka and/or Pocket Medic. They are both community cosmetics - but the fact they both got accepted by Valve says a lot. Above is text snipped from the actual wiki.

Last but not least: The Comics. Darned comics. The pair of mercenaries has basically no interaction - unless you count issue 6.

Heavy getting absolutely PISSED when Medic is killed by Ch*avy. Their reunion. Medic referring to Heavy by “my friend” in a totally straight way. Kind of sad Valve wasted an opportunity for them to hug. Maybe they knew their comic artist ships them and wanted to avoid having to answer the Question™.

Part 2: Dynamics

This part’s a bit trickier, mostly due to the reason that I’m new to this whole dynamic analysis thing. Yeah I’m good at spotting canonical evidence but very specific shipping dynamics often escape my gaze.

The most obvious one is Big Guy, Little Guy. Quoting the TVTROPES page:

[…] This trope describes a pair of guys who always fight together, are best friends forever, and quite often have a very obvious hierarchy: The little guy is often in charge […] The little guy is usually listed first, since he’s the leader, and they are always listed together, as if they are one entity. In fact, some episodes may center on the fact that they can’t live without each other. […] If this is a case of Brains and Brawn, the Big Guy is usually the Brawn, and the Little Guy the Brains. It’s almost never the other way around, but in some cases the Big Guy can be rather smart too. […]

A sub-type of this, a common favorite here on Tumblr is known as “small chaotic big calm” and hoo boy if that isn’t these two. I don’t really have much to say here - again I am not an expert.

Part 3: Fandom Impact

So you don’t think Red Oktoberfest (as Heavymedic is sometimes called) is super popular on anywhere else than Tumblr? Wrong.

It’s hard to find TF2 fics on Archive of Our Own not tagged with Heavy/Medic. Of course most of them only contain hints to their relationship but go in the main tf2 tag and I can guarantee you, you’ll gonna see “implied heavy/medic” all the time.

But these two go further than AO3 or Tumblr or Instagram or whatever. They are recognized even within the wider circle of the fanbase. Take this SFM, for example. (I am using the Saxxy Awards version of Secret Lives here mostly due to the fact that the Heavymedic moment is much gayer. In the normal version, the dialogue isn’t changed, but they simply hold hands.)

But it gets deeper. (WARNING: THE GAY MOMENT IN THIS ONE IS NSFW. NOT EXPLICITLY SO BUT JUST A HEADS UP TUMBLR PLEASE DO NOT FLAG ME)

And the best part? The comments are extremely positive. You’d expect hoards upon hoards of homophobes screeching but no, the comments are supportive. Even on places such as Reddit or Youtube, comments like “yeah they’re gay and in love” do not get downvoted/disliked to hell; in fact the opposite.

Part 4: Canon Status

Let’s be real. Most ships are shipped because people want to explore the dynamics in fanfic, fanart or something else. But Heavymedic is shipped because… well, I have no idea.

Actually, I kind of do - but only theories. You see, while the canonical evidence is here, the creators have never said anything about them. No confirmation, no disproval, no hinting, nothing.

But the ship is so prominent! There has to be something causing this!- you say. And to that I present you 2 theories on why Heavy/Medic is so popular.

Theory number 1 states that we simply all choose to interpret their interactions as homoerotic. And this is very easy to disprove - there’s simply no way we just collectively agreed on these matters out of nothing. There has to be something bigger.

And theory 2 states that, well, our interpretation is the desired interpretation. But this is even more ridiculous than theory 1 for a number of reasons. If they are in fact gay, why hasn’t Valve made them canon yet?

A Theoretical Scenario

I am going to ramble big time on this one, so buckle up lads. I’ll discuss a theoretical scenario in which, well, if that was not obvious, Valve confirms Heavymedic as canon. Maybe then we will see why they will probably never do so.

TF2 is considered by typical capital G, alt-right Gamers as a “non-political” game. This means no women (in the game itself, at least, and if even, sexy women only), no queer folk and no minorities (for some reason they accept Demoman but throw a fit if someone draws any other merc as not being pearl white). Team Fortress 2 was around before Gamergate and other things like Gamers Rise Up. It’s a classic and Valve is regarded as the good guy to Epic Game’s bad guy. If Valve did anything to confirm doubts, wherther it be clearing up popular fanon or confirming ships, these people would throw hands. (Although they seemed to ignore when one of the writers confirmed Miss Pauling is a lesbian. Huh.) Even those that don’t play TF2 would come to the aid of their bros.

Let me illustrate with two very similar examples. In both cases these confirmations were the first made by the company as a whole, both are fairly recent and both confirm a character as gay.

First we have the confirmation of Tracer from Overwatch as a lesbian. It was done in one of OVW’s comics. Tracer is the FACE of Overwatch as a whole and while most of the fanbase accepted it (thankfully the Gamers are reluctant to infest ow), some people threw what I can only describe as a hissy fit. At least her girlfriend’s a background character.

Second is Neeko from League of Legends. Unlike Tracer she was added a while before it was confirmed she was gay. LOL is much more toxic and filled with Gamers than OW and holy shit people smeared LOL so much.

Of course these are not accurate to Heavy/Medic. In both of the cases I listed it was girls being wlw and we all know how much cisgender heterosexual gamers LOVE yuri porn. Apparently only girls can be gay because they can jack off to it - if it’s two guys then it’s disgusting. Nevertheless I think these are good approximations - in every case the company gets “shat on” on social media and other sites. With the community that Valve has, I think even if they wanted them to be gay, they would never ever confirm it.

Conclusion

I’m sorry for that ending. I had to theorize a bit. Regardless I’d love if you shared this on other sites, reblogged or whatever - I wasted at least 1 and a half hours of my life on it. Feel free to cite this as a source if someone asks you why you ship the big heavy weapons expert and the feral battle medic.

[arecomicsevengood]

More Movies I Watched. Should I Just Join Letterboxd?

Is Letterboxd fun? Not really sure if anyone gets anything out of these posts being located here, but also not sure I have any desire to join a website I’m not sure anyone I’m friends with is on, don’t necessarily feel a yearning to be around more people with too many opinions, who are maybe trying to parlay their “expertise” into writing jobs.

Portrait Of A Lady On Fire (2020) dir. Celine Sciamma

I’m going to consider this a 2020 movie as that’s when its wide release was in the States; also, this movie’s great and if considered a 2020 movie is easily the frontrunner for best of the year. Well-shot enough I felt I was in good hands from the very first minutes, which feel vaguely reminiscent of The Piano (which I don’t remember super-well), this movie ends up also have a very intense relationship with music as well. This is a lesbian love story between a woman betrothed to be married to a man she’s never met and the painter who is making her portrait for the approval of said man. The painter is initially working on the portrait secretly, the film’s attention is tuned to the two leads’ furtive glances and studies of one another, the gaze intensely felt, but returned and mutual. Lots of great stuff, real delight taken in faces, the ability to change another’s expression by making them laugh. the power of music, the incommunicable aspects of subjective experience. I watched this director’s other movie, Girlhood, but don’t remember it, and this is a lot better. This is also a lot better than Blue Is The Warmest Color, where the only thing I remember is the long and graphic sex scene. This movie has no such scene. One of these actresses led the walkout when the French film industry gave Roman Polanski an award.

Summer Hours (2008) dir. Oliver Assayas

Just did an IMDB search and found out Assays cowrote a movie with Polanski a few years ago? That sucks. This one’s about an artist’s estate being sold off after a widow dies, as the kids need money. Plenty of nice bits about the subjective value of art and nostalgia. Assayas is not my favorite filmmaker by any means but he’s consistent enough. I guess Personal Shopper is my favorite of his?

Two Friends (1986) dir. Jane Campion

TV movie about two teenagers, told somewhat in reverse order for seemingly arbitrary reasons. Not great.

The Day Shall Come (2020) dir. Chris Morris

Beginning with like a series of “establishing shots” of Miami that eventually get to college kids partying is such a terrible way to begin a movie, really signals a degree of indifference to the language of film in favor of a a product of constant churn of content that “television” once served as shorthand for. Chris Morris comes from TV, of course, so I should know what I’m in for, and British comedy of a subversively-intentioned sort puts it in the wheelhouse of things I pay attention to anyway. That’s not to say I laughed at this thing, but I sort of observed it and its intentions — it never really wants you to be comfortable enough to laugh, and while the posture it takes to its black leads is sympathetic there’s still a feeling of anthropological indifference as part of its satirical thrust. Film comedies are meant to work in a theater because of the contagious properties of laughter, and when you lose that you end up with a thing that, even if I don’t want to subject it to “Hm, this seems kinda racist” thinkpieces that are the worst-case scenario, everything about the movie seems like the best case scenario is a reaction of “I see what you did there.”

Midnight Special (2016) dir. Jeff Nichols

Fits into the tradition of not-a-superhero-movie-but-basically tradition of Scanners and The Fury, but while those are basically the X-Men, this kid, kept from the sunlight because his dad think it will hurt him but really it’s good for him, is basically The Ray, of the 1990s Christopher Priest series I didn’t read consistently but liked a few issues of. The first half of this movie, spent speeding down streets at night, while some weird things happen, involving government agencies and a cult, is considerably better than the payoff, which is the child (a kid from Room and later, Good Boys) is an angel and is going to ascend to heaven. Part of it is so low-key and tense (but in a way where it feels like if it were on mute nothing would appear to be happening) and then the other part of it has these special effects that are fairly corny? So while the whole “indie guy makes a more mainstream movie” thing generates some interest, the idea of what constitutes a mainstream movie at this point in time (while also being a throwback in some ways to eighties Spielberg, or riding an It Follows/Stranger Things wave) means being forgettable.

Atlantic City (1980) dir. Louis Malle

This was a rewatch, which normally I avoid doing, but it turns out I had forgotten basically everything about this movie, besides vague memories of shots of stairwells, the sprawl of its plot, the roaming camera. That, still, is sort of the main thing to take away, because I love how the plot sort of swirls around this apartment building, and the streets of the city, the casino where Susan Sarandon works. She plays a woman whose husband left her for her sister, and they have rolled into the city with a large amount of cocaine. Burt Lancaster plays Sarandon’s neighbor, who lusts after her, but watches after another neighbor in the apartment, an old gangster’s ex-lover. Maybe I would suggest this as a good first Louis Malle movie to watch? Then you could watch Au Revoir Les Enfants, Murmur Of The Heart, Elevator To The Gallows, and My Dinner With Andre, and some of those are maybe better movies but this is arguably the most “accessible” in terms of its relationship to gangster/crime stuff while nonetheless feeling expansive and deeper than that. It relates to Burt Lancaster’s larger career but also has such a depth of feeling it’s not just a film history thing. Wallace Shawn has a cameo as a waiter also, it’s nice to see him.

Cat People (1982) dir. Paul Schrader

This movie’s a rewatch but I remember it being “watchable” but not really good, at least not nearly as good as the original. If memory serves, this has pretty much nothing in common with the original, but there’s a scene in the original that’s very memorable that’s reprised here. There’s a lot of gratuitous nudity in this one, and it even ends with a scene that seems perverse enough it should be memorable- Where Nastassja Kinski’s limbs are tied to a bed in a bit of bondage before she has sex and gets turned into a panther, so she can safely be put into zoo custody, but I didn’t remember at all on account of it feeling more perfunctory than indelible. Also I thought there was a scene where you see a naked man climb out of a cage at the zoo but maybe that’s in another movie too. Remember when Paul Schrader made a facebook post asking whose were the best tits in the history of art?

Affliction (1997) dir. Paul Schrader

When there was a little featurette documentary on Criterion Channel where Alex Ross Perry interviewed Schrader, Schrader cited Affliction as one of his best movies. Takes place in a snowy landscape reminiscent of Fargo and A Simple Plan, the vision of small-town life feels slightly familiar from Twin Peaks too — all of these things feel “nineties” in a way. About the cycle of domestic violence being passed on from fathers to sons. Stars Nick Nolte, with Willem Dafoe as his younger brother, who narrates intermittently. Mary Beth Hurt plays Nolte’s ex-wife, Sissy Spacek plays his current lover. James Coburn plays the abusive father but I kept thinking it was Rip Torn.

Rancho Notorious (1952) dir. Fritz Lang

Another solid Fritz Lang movie, that I believe was a favorite of the French new wave filmmakers? (Who didn’t like his German stuff for some bullshit reason.) This one’s a western. A man’s fiancee gets murdered, and he tries t to track down the guy who did it, in search of revenge. There’s a recurring bit of a song narrating his desire for revenge that’s pretty bad. It turns out there’s a large ranch, run by Marlene Dietrich, where criminals can hide out if they don’t ask questions of one another and give her a share of their haul. He forms alliances, does some crimes, gets his revenge, there’s some great technicolor shots of landscapes, it’s unclear how real his feelings are for Marlene Dietrich or if they’re partly put on to win her affections, I don’t think Dietrich is that appealing personally. The thing that makes this movie cool or interesting (and maybe makes it feel particularly American, but seen from an outsider’s perspective) is this sense of bonhomie that is maybe just a total front for long-standing resentment, with love as a conditional thing.

Slightly French (1949) dir. Douglas Sirk

I found this one pretty watchable. A rough-around-the-edges fairground actress is recruited to play a French ingenue in the press as part of a long play for a director to get his job back with a studio he was fired from after alienating the original lead actress and everyone above him. The director basically only cares about making movies, and is sort of a psychopath, but she falls in love with him. The director’s sister, who warns that she also has no feelings, ends up being paired off with the producer who competes for the star’s affection for a while. Written by a woman, and feels very psychologically insightful and unjudgmental about women’s tendency or willingness to fall in love with people who treat them poorly, and to allow for the movie/genre expectations to respect that choice as the right one.

A Scandal In Paris (1946) dir. Douglas Sirk

Apparently Sirk considered this his best movie. It’s before his melodrama period, and is based on a memoir, so there’s a bit of a biopic quality to it, though it does try to be fairly concise and well-structured. About a criminal who solves a crime he committed in order to become chief of police, ostensibly to become an even bigger criminal who pulls off a huge robbery, who then goes straight instead. The criminal is also a casanova type, who seduces a series of women and makes them fall in love with him and forgive him his crimes. I would probably have liked this movie more if it was a stylized seventies thing and/or liked the actors better.

Story Of A Cheat (1936) dir. Sacha Guitry

This movie’s wild! One of the best credit sequences I’ve ever seen, establishing a pattern that the whole thing will be told mostly via narration, and this narration goes on to tell so much of the story that the visual storytelling almost seems redundant, or illustrative of the text, in a way I’d never seen in a movie. It’s structured as a man writing his memoirs, and is more literal about that structure than we normally see. But then there are parts where his writing gets interrupted and these scenes use dialogue and employ elision to discreetly set up punchlines… Really cool. Criterion’s website says this was an influence on Orson Welles, and maybe they mean F For Fake?

The Immortal Story (1968) dir. Orson Welles

I hadn’t seen this one, despite being an Orson Welles fanatic, I guess because most people would not consider it a feature film, as it’s under an hour long, and made for French television. It’s not great, kind of feels like a long short film. Welles plays an old rich man who hates the existence of fiction so much he tries to make a story that’s basically a Penthouse letter become true, casting Jeanne Moreau in the role of the woman and a much younger man as the dude who has sex with her. Based on a story by Isak Dinesen, which I’m just learning now was the pen name of a woman.

If You Could Only Cook (1935) dir. William Selter

So I kept on watching Jean Arthur movies, binging them before they left Criterion Channel at the end of June. You would expect them to blend together, and maybe they will in time but having just watched this one it’s great. Totally absurd premise becomes legit funny. The master chef from History Is Made At Night here plays an Italian gangster. The two movies would be a pretty solid double feature, as both feature pretty involved, absurd plots, based around love stories, but also featuring this weird comedic element. This one features Jean Arthur as a down-on-her-luck woman who strikes up a conversation with a guy on a park bench, convincing him they should get a job together working as a butler and cook team. He is secretly rich, and gets lessons in being a butler from his butler, and falls in love with her, a week before he is scheduled to get married to a rich woman he doesn’t actually care about. This movie is just over seventy minutes long. I am pretty unfamiliar with the screwball comedy genre and really wonder how they play with a different lead actress.

The More The Merrier (1943) dir. George Stevens

This one’s great too. Super comedic, with sort of intricately choreographed visual gags, but then the romance culminates in a scene that’s wildly horny, bordering on the pornographic despite the absence of any nudity. That’s a seduction shot in close up, where a sort of oblivious and distracted conversation occurs absentmindedly as kisses move from hand to neck. Jean Arthur rents a room to a domineering older dude (Charles Coburn, the guy from The Devil And Miss Jones, who’s funnier here) who then rents half of his room to a man he thinks would be a good for her. Feels like a big part of the comedy in these is people being absolute nightmares who force other people into going along with things they absolutely hate, and as much as I hate the idea of being someone who can’t handle an old comedy because of my modern cultural mores, such scenes are pretty nerve-wracking to me. Still, there’s something to the storytelling in this, how the initial gags build on themselves when it’s just the two of them, then the introduction of the second man sort of continues the sort of jokes that were already being made, how the comedy sort of snowballs but then takes the shape of this very real romance.

The Impatient Years (1944) dir. Irving Cummings

This was originally conceived as a quasi-sequel to The More The Merrier. It is a weird one, with a vaguely comedic premise it takes a pretty emotionally intense first act to set up. The first half hour has these long dialogues filled with tension of people not really being able to communicate. It’s written by a woman and you can really tell, holy shit, it’s closely observed. But the whole premise is fucked! Begins with a court hearing for a divorce. Jean Arthur has been hit by her husband, and her father (Charles Coburn again) who witnessed it says he can’t recommend a divorce, because then the judge would have to give a divorce to all the couples who got married too quick before the man shipped off to war. A flashback structure shows him, freshly home, smoking cigarettes above the crib of the child he’s never seen before and pretty irritable. The father argues the issue is the married couple has forgotten while they’ve fallen in love. Coburn basically sucks too- he’s in all these movies as this railroading paternalistic figure, and apparently was in his real life a white supremacist? And while The Devil And Miss Jones shows him learning to not be a piece of shit, this movie basically takes his side and argues for him being right. The judge agrees with this plan that they should spend four days retracing the steps of when they first met, before he shipped off to work. And it works, they fall back in love in the movie’s second half. But basically Jean Arthur’s whole behavior at the beginning of the movie is predicated on her having the responsibilities of a mother? And the movie just sort of argues that she’s got to learn to be a wife too, and she agrees, pitching it as this sort of romantic thing, but the actual central cause of tension is never resolved. So this movie is flawed and kinda nonsensical, but it’s interesting, partly because the beginning is like Bergman-level brutal before the contortions of a plot push it into this unnatural light comedy shape.

Arizona (1940) dir. Wesley Ruggles

This one has Jean Arthur as the female lead, opposite William Holden, but is more notable for its scope as a Western. A pretty good example of the genre being about society in microcosm, being forged from this conflict between the wild and domestic spheres. Jean Arthur both brings this semi-feminist sense of freedom to all of her roles, and she also built up a body of work of populist politics and class consciousness. This one has her as a rugged individualist frontierswoman, who runs a series of businesses as a way to make more money and accrue wealth, which ends up being a good vehicle, from a storytelling perspective, to increase the scale of action consistently. The villain runs a series of scams/conspiracies to win a profit via dishonest means. This culminates with a wedding where the man leaves his bride immediately afterwards to murder the person who’s been trying to take over her property. Probably the best western I’ve seen where the threat of Native American violence is a major plot point. It does lack the sense of atmosphere and landscape I value in a western, favoring a more storytelling more focused on plot and characters. Ends with a scene where a dude gets married and then immediately leaves to go kill someone waiting in a bar for him. (I should try to track down the George Stevens western Shane, that also features Jean Arthur.)

Whirlpool (1934) dir. Roy William Neill

This isn’t as top shelf as the other Jean Arthur movies but it’s pretty good. A man goes to prison, fakes his own death for the sake of his wife so she’ll move on. Jean Arthur plays the daughter, who meets him once he gets out, but needs to keep him a secret from her mother, who has remarried but would probably wreck her life for the other man’s sake. This is a pretty weird movie, both structurally, and because the father-daughter relationship feels quasi-incestuous: She abandons dates with her fiancee to spend time with her father, etc. The movie handles it semi-innocently, but I guess I had just been hearing about how when things like this happen in real life, and adult children meet their parents for the first time as adults, there often is an irresistible desire between them. So the movie kind of feels like it’s basically about something super-fucked-up but is trying to depict it as innocent, but also just the raw emotion Jean Arthur displays as she cries when they meet for the first time is really intense! She doesn’t even show up until like 1/3 of the way through the movie but she gives it such emotional weight.

Party Wire (1935) dir. Erle Kenton

This movie’s charming and watchable but yeah not one of the better ones. It’s about a pretty interesting thing- In small towns in this era basically cheaper for there to be a telephone line everyone can listen in on. This ends up being a movie about small town gossip and resentment, where the villains are old women with too much time on their hands. It’s also about Jean Arthur being a wildly charming “real” person who wins the heart of a rich man who every woman is after, so while she’s good in the part there’s an element of formula executed better elsewhere. Here she has a father who’s drunk all the time, his alcoholism is a big running gag that gets a little exhausted. Also apparently there’s an app now that’s basically a party wire?

The Whole Town’s Talking (1935) dir. John Ford

Felt pretty ambivalent about this one too, which is more of an Edward G Robinson vehicle. This is meant to be a comedy, but I don’t really think the jokes come off that well, and the sense of reversals feels a little pat. Realized my best friend from high school looks sorta like Edward G Robinson now and worked out a way to remake it starring him. The Robinson version is about a guy who works as a clerk in an office, writes on the side, but learns he is the doppelganger of a killer gangster who just escaped from prison, who’s played by Robinson as well. This leads to his worldly coworker he has a crush on developing an interest in him, but also a lot of cases of mistaken identity with the police, who give him a note saying that while he looks like the person they’re trying to arrest, they’re not the same guy. The gangster then reads about this in the news and breaks into his apartment to get this “passport” from him. The remake I envision plays off of the fact that people are no longer famous for doing crimes enough to attract the attentions of a savvy young woman. But what if it was some dumb Youtube prankster, who is constantly committing crimes, that has the police after him? And then it’s basically the same movie.

Public Hero No. 1 (1935) dir. J. Walter Rubin

More of a heavy-duty crime thing, about the head of a gang busting out of prison, reuniting with his gang to do crimes, not knowing the cellmate he broke out of prison with is an undercover cop. Jean Arthur ends up caught in the middle, falling in love with the cop (not knowing he’s a cop) while being the sister of the criminal she hopes goes straight. She enlivens the movie quite a bit but it’s a  familiar enough plot to still come up a little bit short. Would maybe benefit from more atmosphere in the crime bits and less comedy bits about an alcoholic doctor slowing it down.

You Can’t Take It With You (1938), Mr. Smith Goes To Washington (1939) dir. Frank Capra

Watched these for Jean Arthur, though they are classics for being Frank Capra movies, Jimmy Stewart movies, and sort of archetypal in their depiction of sincerity and the opposition of the rich and powerful. So that is to say that while my favorite movies I’ve watched recently have felt genre-less, or like they participate in every genre, these feel far more like you know where they’re going pretty much from the start: In the case of Mr. Smith Goes To Washington that’s partly because of things like there being an episode of The Simpsons that parodies/reuses it.

Mr. Deeds Goes To Town (1936) dir. Frank Capra

Also has Jean Arthur as the female lead, here playing opposite Gary Cooper. When they remade this as an Adam Sandler vehicle, Winona Ryder took the Jean Arthur role. Gary Cooper inherits money, comes to the big city, everyone wants the money, Jean Arthur writes news articles mocking him as a rube while slowly falling in love with his sincerity. In the end his decision to give the money to the poor outrages everyone in power and they try to argue he’s not mentally fit. All these Frank Capra movies are longer than the other Jean Arthur movies, (two hours, as opposed to an hour and a half) and also are not really focused on her, though she’s the best part of them.

Ball Of Fire (1941) dir. Howard Hawks

Billy Wilder cowrites this, and it’s maybe his best comedic script? Lot of good jokes in this, feel like this would’ve blown people away in 1941. Gary Cooper plays a naive nerd grammarian who in the course of realizing he needs cover modern slang for his encyclopedia runs into Barbara Stanwyck, as a gangster’s moll, hilarity ensues, they fall in love, both leads are great, supporting cast is big and funny, Gary Cooper in Mr. Deeds plays a somewhat naive hayseed, the character here is similarly out of his element but it’s because he’s a big nerd, which is a lot funnier. Stanwyck’s world-weariness giving way to affection for a bunch of old people while continuing to use language they don’t understand and sort of run all over them as they fall over here is a great bit. Really well-written, there’s a Billy Wilder movie starring Jean Arthur (A Foreign Affair, from 1948) I haven’t seen but would like to track down. Sort of fascinating preoccupation with gangsters in these movies, but also positing innocence as a virtue, but in a way that runs counter to “virgin/whore” reductionism. I guess a lot of this comes about because it precedes the post-war mass migration of white people to the suburbs? Organized crime was a big part of people’s lives. I hadn’t seen any Howard Hawks movies until recently I think? Unless I saw one of his westerns or screwball comedies in college. He’s good!

The Sniper (1952) dir. Edward Dmytrk

This one’s interesting in terms of feeling very ahead of its time but also like it would never be made now. About a dude whose misogyny causes him to shoot women with a sniper rifle, the same rifle that apparently any ex-soldier would carry. Probably a pretty tough and upsetting watch, as it’s just about a dude being insane, hoping the police arrest him, and him having interactions with women where he very quickly becomes upset when they realize he’s weird, so he follows them with a gun. Director was blacklisted, the only real overt political sentiment is “get perverts and people who assault women serious mental health care after their first offense.”

[absolveres]

snowinabottle asked: Random HC asks : Tell us about johns view on relationships. What he values , what he needs to see / find in another person and how he would include them in his family life - despite the situation. ( me being all 🥺🥺🥺)

( @snowinabottle / random headcanons )

    a;sdjaskask. this is going to be a long one, maybe. 

    relationship headcanon time.

    DISCLAIMER:  i’m going to be a little general with this. individual ships fit into these hcs in some way or another, but i could write an essay on individual relationships and how they either align or vary from what i think of as his typical.

    i think first john has difficulty forming connections that allow for healthy relationships. it’s not impossible ( you know this, and what we’ve plotted speaks to his ability to form a relationship with someone ), but he lacks a lot of empathy and while he can play the part of someone vulnerable and open, it’s normally a facade ( save for what he shows to a few people ).

     the majority of his relationships haven’t been relationships. he uses connections to exploit, manipulate, and to blackmail. and when that’s not it, it’s all physical. sex and relationships enter into john’s self-destructive habits. if you want a messy as hell relationship or fling, hit up john seed, i s2g. he’s going to think very little of establishing a relationship until it hits him out of the blue. there has to be mutual respect, mutual vulnerability, and if he feels that spark of empathy, it might mean something.

    i think he’d value an even playing field when it comes to a relationship. ofc he’d love to hook up with people that feed his ego ( or tear it down, depending on the mood he’s in ), but that’s him looking for a rush, it’s him using sex and intimacy to fill a void. this is the kind of relationship where he’s going to bang down your door at 2 am on the regular and then not speak to you for three days bc he’s repenting.

    so, if he manages to establish a relationship. a real relationship. which, i think there’s a few ways that can happen. both through beginning as a total mess and finding mutual respect or attachment or meeting someone early enough on in his life that they met the john that tried to be normal, that went on dates, and wanted to feel a sense of belonging. then there’s a connection that spans the rise and fall, and there’s potential for all of the vulnerability and respect to exist. if he makes it this far with a person, that’s really when eden’s gate and his family become a hot topic.

    john’s family means the world to him.  if he finds himself in a relationship or connected to someone he genuinely cares about, his family would probably learn about it pretty quickly, if john is serious. he’d go to his brothers for advice. and different types of advice, i imagine. with jacob, he’d be looking for a pragmatic talk. he wants a dose of reality. joseph, he’d want to know if a relationship is the right thing pursue. with joseph, he feels safe spilling his insecurities and wants advice both as his big brother and as the father, bc fuck, these might be serious feelings, but is there room for this in the project? with paul, he’d want the brotherly, i think i have feelings for someone talk, with a side of, does this sound like feelings? wtf are feelings? 

the thing about a serious relationship, where love is involved ( bc while he as a capacity, it’s rare ), is that even john is surprised by his ability to feel it. and he’s pretty self-aware, he knows that others have a larger capacity to care, that he’s fractured in that way. it’s what makes using people and manipulating so easy.

    as far as being involved with the family and the project, these are such crucial elements in his life. he’d want the person to meet his family, he’d want them to show them how important what they’re doing is. he would want them involved in some capacity. and he knows that if they weren’t, eventually, that would have to change.

    NOW. as far as other types of relationships go, he would probably not introduce them to his family or bring them up, period. i’m talking about flings and secret relationships that he has no intention of being serious about. most would be in the category that he doesn’t care to bring up, unless in confession if he thinks he’s spiraling into old habits and too wrapped up in sin. and even then, good luck getting a name out of him. these are people, that at best, there’d be rumors about.

TL;DR ( if you read through this whole thing, ARE YOU OKAY? bc not even i know what i just said )

most of his “relationships” are mutually beneficial and either it’s all about sex or he’s being exploitative in some way. he’ll use you and you can use him. 

he’s capable of actual relationships but it’s very difficult and even under the best circumstances is still going to be difficult. but he values someone that he can respect and that he sees as his equal.

if he is serious about a relationship, welcome to eden’s gate, you’re meeting everyone, you probably should have run.

if he’s not serious, you’re a secret.

[inmusicalseveryoneisscreaming]

Little Miss Perfect

A non Newsiestober project based off of Taylor Louderman and Write Out Loud’s song “Little Miss Perfect” 

Straight hair, straight A’s, straight forward.

Katherine sighed, straightening her hair as she always did before school. Her hair naturally was curly, a large mass of rings on her head. But she had a reputation to uphold, a mold to fit into. Katherine smiled, looking in the mirror at her newly straight hair.

She checked her grades quickly, quickly going to check them online. It was a normal routine for her, she had to keep on top of her grades. If she didn’t, she could fall. Katherine can’t risk falling. Finally seeing the grades all A’s appeared, just as she’d hoped. Just as she’d expected. A small sigh of content fell out of her mouth, she was popular and smart, it’s a great life she’s living. Everything’s okay, right? Wrong.

Straight past, I don’t cut corners. I make a point to be on time. Head of the student council!

Katherine’s past school-wise was well known to almost everyone. She started from a quirky elementary school girl to a beautiful, happy popular girl. A girl who gets along with anyone, but deflects any flirting and compliments from the guys trying to pick her up.

She always had to be on time, that was her thing. She was perfect. She smiled at every teacher, being there at least five minutes before class and discussing things with the teachers. The student council was another place she would go to and allow her leadership come out. Leading the student council was fun, and it made her ever so happy to know she had something that she could control.

I don’t blackout at parties, I jam to Paul McCartney.

Parties were always something that the whole weekend was filled with for the auburn haired girl. There was barely any moment to breathe anymore, seeing as at least one party was always on the schedule. But, the moments that she could just sit down and breathe, it only lasted for a very short amount of time. After a few minutes of sitting and trying to relax, there’d be a phone buzz or a call from one of her parents.

If you ask me how I’m doing, I’ll say... well…

Katherine had put up that fake persona of happiness all the time. Katherine hadn’t really been that happy all the time, Katherine was putting up a façade. She’s a pretty popular girl, who has sculpted herself to perfection. She can’t let go of that now, she can’t let people know how much she’s actually hurting. Nobody can know her stupid insecurities that are hidden deep down inside of her. Instead of telling her true feelings to anybody, she’d just flash a smile. Fake happiness coating her voice anytime she answered ‘fine.’

I was adopted when I was two. My parents spoiled me rotten, often.

Katherine had two mothers. Her father, Joseph, died when she was only one. Her mother had died when she gave birth to Katherine. Kath spent the first two years of her life in an adoption center, and when her mothers adopted her, Katherine got used to the lesbian relationship. Growing up knowing it was okay, nothing was wrong. She got anything she wanted, anything she asked for. It was to a point Kath felt bad for doing that to her mothers.

 Often I ask myself, “What did I do?” To get as far as I’ve gotten.

Katherine didn’t know what she did to do this. She felt terrible of herself, for putting her moms through all of that. Katherine wanted to be different, she didn’t want to be this mess that she was. The spoiled, bratty, messy mess she was. But, of course, she hid it. Every single time. She acted like nothing was wrong. She acted like everything could and would be okay. Her friends didn’t question her, her friends let her be. She was grateful for that, it was selfish, but it needed to be hidden. It was for her reputation, her stance.

A pretty girl walks by my locker, my heart gives a flutter, but I don’t dare utter a word!

Katherine was standing by her locker, just getting things out of it as normal. It was the start of a new day, Katherine needed to be there early as always. The moment she turned, there she was. With a bright smile and kissable lips and long curls… As she walked by Kath’s locker, Katherine felt her face go hot. Her heart went fluttering, just the slightest bit, and she mentally scolded herself. She’s a normal girl. A normal, pretty, popular, straight girl. I mean, being gay is normal, Katherine thought, but not to everyone else. Nobody would like her if she admitted that the moment a pretty girl walked by, her heart rate would speed up drastically, until her face was as red hot as possible.

Cause that would be absurd behavior for “Little Miss Perfect”!

Katherine was with her friends, she thought of telling them. She thought of telling them that she was gay, that she felt like she could love and hold any nice girl who’d be willing to love her back. But, she just couldn’t. Katherine fell under her friends’ gazes, feeling as though they’d hurt her. Kill her social status. Spread rumors that she’d kiss and date any pretty girl that she could find. That she’d hurt any girl just for a girlfriend. Being a lesbian would be absurd behavior for her, “Little Miss Perfect.” She sighed, just shaking it off. Her friends continued talks of their boyfriends or cute boys. Katherine just sat there, forcing smiles so her friends thought she was okay. On the inside, though, she just wasn’t.

Na-na-na-na-na-na-na no, you can't risk falling off your throne. La-la-la-la-la-la-la love is something you don’t even know

Katherine can’t risk losing her status now. Everyone knows her, everyone is at least tolerant of her, she isn't hurt. Katherine doesn't even know what love looks or feels like. A flutter of her heart is way different than love. Katherine would never know that. She had to stay in hiding, she can't show her love. She can't fall off of her throne. She's Katherine Plumber, head of student council.

Straight hair, straight A’s, straight forward, straight girl!

It's another day. Katherine once again quickly straightened her hair, keeping the mess of curls hidden from sight. She jumped online quickly and checked her grades. Still all A’s, nothing less to expect from her. Katherine quickly looked at herself in the mirror. She looked normal, she was normal. If she said she was gay, that'd all go away. She muttered to herself, she's a straight girl. She likes boys, that's it. She's straight, like all her friends.

“Little Miss Perfect” that’s me!

With a single step into the school, her friends ran up to her with big smiles. A few of them arm and arm with some tall boy, and a few of them gushing to Kath. Kath smiled, she can't slip up and be rude, she has to be perfect. She encourages her crushing friends, and greeting the boyfriends of her other ones. Just smile, Katherine thought, keep the perfect persona you've shown them. You're not Katherine Plumber, lesbian outcast. You're Katherine Plumber, straight popular girl.

One night my friend stayed over. We laughed, and drank and ordered.

Sarah Jacobs was sort of an outcast. A really pretty outcast at that. But, she was one of Katherine’s friends. One night, Sarah came to plan with Kath so they could get rid of a stalker Sarah had. They ended up having a good time, laughing over the stupidest of things. It was probably because of the few drinks they'd had; Katherine was home alone after all. Sarah thought it'd be fun, Katherine agreed, her friend suggested it, she felt obliged. She usually didn't drink, but if Sarah wanted to.

Something about her drew me in. What? It's totally platonic!

Katherine realized she couldn't stop smiling when Sarah talked or did anything. Something about how Sarah talked and made big hand motions and melted with fondness made Katherine’s heart pound just the slightest bit faster. Katherine shook herself a no, it's not a crush. This is all platonic, right? Oh, no, Katherine, you have a crush. And her intoxicated mind didn't mind.

That night was so exciting. Her smirks were so enticing. Hours speed by like seconds. Then what happens is iconic!

Anytime that a small smirk spread across Sarah’s face, Kath felt a small pink blush spread onto her cheeks. Sarah Jacobs was such an attractive person, and that smirk made her all the more endearing. Katherine thought she’d never stop fawning secretly over her. The hours and days and months of crushing had gone by only a few seconds. Katherine’s heartbeat quickened as Sarah turned to her. “Truth or dare?” Katherine’s face all but brightened as she nodded, grabbing another drink that Sarah had brought up for them. They sat, starting to play the game. It was all very middle school; it was all very childish. But, Katherine couldn’t find herself to care at the moment.

She takes a sip; I bite my lip. She tells a joke, I nearly choke.

Anytime Sarah Jacobs took a sip of any drink, Katherine’s eyes darted down to her lips. It wasn’t that noticeable, at least Katherine didn’t think so, but it still caused her to blush wildly. To try and start the urge of lunging forward to kiss her, she quickly went down to bite her lip. As much as she wanted to kiss Sarah forever until she was breathless, but alas, she just can’t.

She braids my hair, I sit there, blacking out for the first time!

As they’d continued the game, Sarah kneeled behind Katherine and started braiding her hair. It was in its natural form, curly and slightly frizzy. It didn’t stop Sarah though, not at all. Grabbing the curled strands quickly, she’d gently intertwine them, and Katherine’s breath would hitch, and she wouldn’t be able to say anything. Katherine’s chest was blooming with some warmth of some kind. It was as if her heart were a flower. With Sarah’s touch being the water and Sarah’s smile being the sunlight. With each smile and each touch, the flower in Kath’s heart only grew wider. Never would Kath think of saying this. But, right now, she wasn’t thinking straight.

Next thing I know, I lose control. I finally kiss her, but, oh no.

Once Sarah and her were back, staying face to face, Katherine’s flower was finally at full bloom. She couldn’t help it anymore, not at all, she just had to do something so she could get her feelings out to Sarah. Sarah couldn’t ruin her reputation, she wouldn’t dare tell anybody that she’s gay, right? Impulsively, without a second thought, Katherine threw her arms around Sarah’s neck and kissed her. Sarah, to Katherine’s surprise, kissed her right back, putting her hands on Kath’s waist. Katherine’s heart was booming against her ribcage, threatening to break through her chest and fall out. Just the feeling of Sarah holding her by the waist, Sarah moving her lips against Katherine’s own, everything felt perfect. Until, Katherine’s eyes opened and went up to her window. The golden-brown gaze of her eyes opened up in fear, and her arms, still around Sarah’s neck, were trembling in fear and pure self-hatred.

I see a face in my window! And my mind starts to go!

Katherine saw a flash of a camera, shining through the window quickly. Hesitantly, Kath had to pull away from the other-worldly kiss. Katherine grabbed the flashlight, shining it towards the window to see the face… The face of some taller boy that was quickly recognizable as Morris Delancey.  Morris had always wanted to get with Katherine, anytime she ran into him at school he’d get close to her face, and flirt with her, even try and brushed his lips against her own. It made her a whole new level of uncomfortable, but once again, no one will ever know that. Katherine felt a small tear go down her face, and she quickly jumped up and ran out of her own house. Leaving Sarah alone.

Na-na-na-na-na-na-no! You can’t risk falling off your throne! La-la-la-la-la-la-love! Is something you don’t even know!

Katherine just slumped onto a nearby bench, feeling small tears fall. Sobs racked through her body, she couldn’t help it. She thought she was ready, she thought she’d be ready to tell everyone, to kiss her crush and best friend and love her forever and ever. But, she just couldn’t. She really couldn’t. She can’t get off of her throne, her throne was where she was forever placed. Like a toy a broken toy that a child’s parent had glued together to be fixed and stay there forever. Katherine Plumber, popular straight girl. Being straight is fine, being straight is what you are. You aren’t gay, you aren’t gay, you aren’t gay… Oh, who are you kidding yourself, Katherine.

Na-na-na-na-na-na-no! You can’t risk falling off your throne! La-la-la-la-la-la-love! You don’t even know.

Katherine continued to write her head mournful no’s. She just couldn’t… She couldn’t love anyone, she had to hide her true feelings. How she truly felt with her lesbian heart pumping as fast as ever after kissing Sarah. She had to conceal it, hope no one found out. But, who was she kidding, there was a picture of them kissing. Most certainly there’d be rumors, people would find out. She would be ruined, everything that she’d worked for. Katherine felt more tears slip down her face.

Rewind, induce amnesia. Deny the truth it’s easier.

The next day, Katherine felt herself trying to avoid Sarah. Denying the truth anything went on. Especially when Morris approached her. “No, that’s not me, you’re mistaking me.” Kath had said, and it hurt her to say it, but she had done it.

You’re just confused, believe her. When she says “There’s nothing there.”

Katherine just stared at her phone as Sarah was texting. Bubbles upon bubbles appearing. All from the contact of Sarah. “There’s nothing there, Katherine.” A single tear slid down her cheek. “I won’t tell anyone at all, okay? Just don’t do that again.” A silent sob went through her body. “Katherine, answer me.” Kath just couldn’t as she shook violently. She wrapped herself up in a blanket, sobs silently wracking through her body.

It’s never worth it… When you’re “Little Miss Perfect.”

Katherine didn’t want to tell anyone. It just wasn’t worth it to tell anyone. She had to be here and stay like she was. She was the perfect one. Her moms loved her, her moms always would, she knew that. But, Katherine just couldn’t love herself like this. She thought that the Kath she knew would disappear if she was herself. If she let herself be a lesbian girl, she’d be the talk of the town. She’d be mocked, everything would be ruined. It’s not worth it. It’d never be worth it.

Not when she’s Little Miss Perfect.

[tisthenightofthewitch]

Tobias Forge from Ghost in an interview (translated - badly - from German)

The rock / metal band Ghost is currently on a European tour and invites in the course on 17 February for an audience in the Swiss Life Hall to Hannover ( tickets ) - presented by Count Your Bruises Magazine. Frontman Tobias Forge,  aka Cardinal Copia, took the time to start an interview with us and revealed that fans in Germany are going to have a ghost show that has never happened before and that we're aiming for a new Ghost in 2020 Album may be happy.

Hello Tobias, how are you? Thank you for your time!

Tobias : I'm fine, thank you, how are you? Thank you for the interview!

Everything is fine here too, thank you! How is the tour so far? You are in Amsterdam today, right?

Tobias : Exactly. So far we played a show, a very good start and I'm really happy!

Super. So, let's get started: Your identity was revealed two years ago, when founding members of Ghost opened a lawsuit against you. Do you see any differences between the time behind the mask and now and what has changed this revelation for you as a person and maybe even for the whole band?

Tobias: It is difficult to say what exactly the result of this revelation was. I have been recognized many, many years before. Because the people who were interested in the band were able to locate my identity online seven years ago, if they really wanted to. So for me it's hard to say if - if someone recognizes me on the street and addresses me - it's because that person saw me on French television or learned who I am six years ago. And have things changed? Every year things change. Ghost itself is getting bigger and bigger, we are doing bigger and bigger things and it's going on steadily. So sometimes it's not easy to tell if it's up to these things or because people, for example, heard "Dance Macabre" on the radio and just learned my identity online, just as they would have done three years ago. So there is no direct "before and after".

Understand. And why did you choose to perform as an anonymous band at the beginning?

Tobias: Because I wanted Ghost to be more of a kind of art form. I did not see Ghost as a band that plays metal festivals or metal bands, I thought of cabaret or some sort of theater play. It was a great idea in my head. But in reality that did not work that way. At the time, I did not think we could be commercially successful. I thought we might succeed in some ways, but on a different level. That we become an art band. I still believe that we are an artistic band, but today we are simply a commercial rock band. This is something very different than what I had in mind. That's why anonymity to my original plan would have worked very well. Anonymity does not fit the concept of a successful,

So, in the end, did you consciously decide that Ghost should be a bigger and more commercially successful band?

Tobias : Of course. Without question, I always wanted to be a professional musician who can live from his music. And I was not that before Ghost. When I realized that Ghost is more popular than I ever considered and I realized that my life's dream can come true - of course! Who would not do that?

That's true. Of course, it's always great to earn your money with your passion.

Tobias : Exactly. That sums it up. It is just as easy. Everything just went better than I thought. I did not expect it to work that way.

And how did you come to create the characters Papa Emeritus and now Cardinal Copia? What do these figures mean to you?

Tobias: It's important to keep in mind that I'm from the black metal scene. So everything I associate with occultism, upturned crosses, skulls and so on is very, very common. For me, a demonic pope was not a totally original idea because it is simply anchored in the DNA of satanic rock'n'roll. For example, take a look at the album cover for "Terrible Certainty" by Kreator. There you will find a demonic pope. So it was quite normal for me. The band is made up of nameless and defenseless monks, so what's the most logical character you can put over them? Maybe a priest? Or a cardinal? Oh no, a pope! That will look cool! And to have a pope who puts on his face like a skull is historically very close to satanic rock music and heavy metal - this is Corpse Paint. And Corpse Paint is mostly a skull. I'm a big fan of the Misfits and the Italian horror rock band Death SS. The Skull Paint comes from Paul Chain (Frontman of the band Death SS - Note d. Red. ). That's what I tried to imitate. Indiana Jones "Temple Of Doom" guards also wore cool skull paints. The cardinal was finally an extension of that. I knew there would be a daddy Emeritus I, a daddy Emeritus II and a daddy Emeritus III. And then I came up with the idea: what if there is a leadership character who is not yet a pope? Well, what would he be? He would be a cardinal. He would therefore start as a cardinal and hopefully grow so far that he can later be appointed Pope. Here you can see the transition.

And how would you describe your personal relationship to religion or to Catholicism?

Tobias : My personal relationship with Catholicism is not very close. I grew up in a Protestant country. The church in my old hometown was an old Catholic church and I went into it. I have always enjoyed being there, because it is old, big, imposing and had everything that an old "horror church" must contain. She is taller than anything around her. The church has always been a very inspiring place for me. That's the one, more aesthetic and inspirational thing. On the other hand, I have experienced with Christians that they have two faces. They often pretend to represent kindness and kindness, but many of them are pretty lousy. That's why I'm often very suspicious of religious people.

Speaking of mistrust: In an interview you said that the medieval mentality has returned through social media. What do you personally think of Facebook, Instagram and Co. and how do you see social media from the perspective of your band, which can reach their fans and gain new listeners?

Tobias: As a professional musician, I just like it. I definitely have to thank social media for my career. We grew up thanks to MySpace. I think without MySpace we would not have done that at the time. In 2010, what we did was not very popular. It would have been difficult to get these effects without the internet. This "overnight sensation" would not have happened. I think that if we had appeared at another time on the scene, we would still have somehow been successful, but it would never have been the way it has gone. We will never know how it could have been. I definitely owe my career to the internet and social media. As an artist, I am very thankful. But still: I think as a parent and human that social media has many sites that are not necessarily good for people. Many people - especially young people - feel bad about something that they should not feel bad about, thanks to social media. Because they get hold of what they do not have and what they can not be. And I think that's not good.

You're right.

Tobias: I think it's good to be inspired. It's good to get inspiration from an ad, for example, for what it was in the 30's, 40's, 50's, 60's, 70's, 80's and 90's when there was a limited amount of advertising. For example, if you said, "If you use this soap, you will look like this," everyone knew it was fake. Nowadays, however, more and more advertising appears that does not look like a fake. Here is advertised a lifestyle that they believe everyone can have. But they are not saying that they are influencers who get paid and get a lot of things for free, just to tell people that. So you do not live the same life as you do, but convey that you can live such a lifestyle without doing anything, and that's a bad thing. I think, that many people believe that if you win the lottery you can spend your life doing nothing, and that is not a quality of life. Most people only feel good when they have something purposeful to do. You have a goal for yourself and for others, and that's the reason why you feel better. But social media usually promotes the view that you can quickly achieve very much with little time, you earn five million and then your life is perfect. I do not think that's a good thing because it implies many people are failing. You do not fail. You will not fail if you do not have five million in the account. Then you are not a failure. I think that's the bad thing about social media. You are constantly confronted with what you can be, but that is not achievable. And that makes people sad - that's definitely the bad side of it.

That's right. Starting next week, you will be visiting Germany for a few shows. What's behind the tour name "A Pale Tour Named Death" and what can we expect from the shows?

Tobias: The name comes from "A Pale Horse Named Death", a biblical term. This means that death sets off on a bright horse. Since our album is about dying, death, and the idea of ​​immortality, and about being able to appreciate that you're still alive, the title makes sense. And what can we expect? From a German point of view, you can expect a show that we have not been able to do in Germany so far. All the years we toured in Germany, we have in one way or another always rather moderate shows in terms of production, etc., because we were limited because we have played at festivals, for example, had fewer opportunities and of it were held to deliver a big show. Now we finally come to Germany to present a big show. An Arena show, something we always wanted to do. 

The location in Hannover is also pretty cool and quite big. When you stand on stage and look into the crowd - What kind of people do you see there and what goes through your mind?

Tobias: I see many different people. That's one of the cool things about the band's great success. When we started back then, everything was very metal oriented and we attracted younger metal fans in the first place. When we started touring and playing our own shows, I was always pleased to see that the Metal community was there - both old and new - so the 60 year old or even 70 year old fan was up there to 15-year-olds. There are always a lot of girls on our shows, indie girls, indie guys ... it's just a big mix of different people. I think it's great. I am also very pleased that the demographics are balanced - I think there are usually 40% girls or women present, which is also a very good thing for the crowd. This makes everything a little more fun. If you go to a Manowar Show, 95% of men are present. Often it is then too hard. The atmosphere just gets better when there are many women. I appreciate very much. We have a lot of kids on the shows, but on the other hand, people my own age or older, because we remind them of KISS, Alice Cooper or others. I think it's a win-win situation to address a wide audience. That's exactly what I see when I look into the audience. Every time I am surprised that this balanced mix is ​​there. because we remind them of KISS, Alice Cooper or others. I think it's a win-win situation to address a wide audience. That's exactly what I see when I look into the audience. Every time I am surprised that this balanced mix is ​​there. because we remind them of KISS, Alice Cooper or others. I think it's a win-win situation to address a wide audience. That's exactly what I see when I look into the audience. Every time I am surprised that this balanced mix is ​​there.

Let's come to my last question: What does the future of Ghost look like?

Tobias : Currently very booked. We play shows throughout the year, until Christmas. This will last until 2020. We do not know exactly what 2020 will look like, but I already know that there will be some shorter tours and we will record a new album in the first half. There will be a new album in about eight months from then.

So are you already working on new songs?

Tobias : Yes, I do!

Great, I'm curious. Also on the show in Hannover next week.

Tobias : That's what I'm looking forward to, it'll be cool. This will definitely be something you have not seen in Germany by Ghost yet.

Sounds great. Thank you very much for your time and the interview. I hope you have a great tour!

Tobias : Thank you very much and have a nice day!

[pass-the-bechdel]

Dollhouse s02e13 ‘Epitaph Two: Return’

Does it pass the Bechdel Test?

Yes, four times, and with more than two female characters at the same time.

How many female characters (with names and lines) are there?

Seven (43.75% of cast).

How many male characters (with names and lines) are there?

Nine.

Positive Content Rating:

Three.

General Episode Quality:

Pointless and unsatisfying.

MORE INFO (and potential spoilers) UNDER THE CUT:

Passing the Bechdel:

Caroline and Echo pass. Almost all of the female characters pass around the dinner table. Echo commiserates with Priya. DeWitt and Echo say their goodbyes.

Female characters:

Mag.

Caroline Farrell.

Echo.

Adelle DeWitt.

Priya Tsetsang.

Kilo.

Bennett Halverson.

Male characters:

Zone.

Harding.

Clive Ambrose.

Paul Ballard.

Topher Brink.

Tony.

Romeo.

Anthony Ceccoli.

Alpha.

OTHER NOTES:

Most of the memory/flashforwards from the first Epitaph episode have been completely retconned by season two, by the way. Not much point in trying to entice viewers to stick around for the rest of the show if you’re not even gonna try to make the content you teased them with work out in the long run. They probably should have just not bothered with the ambitious world-ending crap, since they went a totally different ‘let’s take down Rossum’ route for the entire second season; as such, where the first Epitaph episode suggested thrilling new directions for the show’s future, this feels massively un-earned as a series finale. 

‘Magically delicious super-whores’ Zone is that ‘lovable jerk’ character who provides a convenient excuse for the narrative to spill uncool lines and have other characters just roll their eyes like ‘oh, you’. Guess who is not interested in entertaining the ‘funny misogynist’?

Things which are tedious (which Joss Whedon loves): characters ‘going crazy’ and therefore nattering nonsense sentences or otherwise over-verbalising in a weird stream-of-consciousness type way. It’s a tired and rather offensive stereotype of ‘crazy people’ and they should do better. 

The ‘future lingo’ is really embarrassing, it doesn’t sound natural at all. ‘power down’, ‘log off’, pffft. It sounds exactly like the kinds of terms and phrases that companies used to try and seem ‘hip’ to the new-fangled concept of The Internet back in the late nineties. You can’t make ‘fetch’ happen, and I wish you wouldn’t try.

Zone acts all weird about the idea that Mag likes girls, because he’s a dickhead. Boring. Also, they don’t get points from me for finally having a queer character on the screen, because they frame Mag’s sexuality entirely through the lens of Zone’s responses (which mostly just involve him being a pig about it), and I’ve got no time for the male gaze version of lesbianism. 

Manufactured final-episode tension between Priya and Anthony is also boring. You can’t just chuck that in there at the last second, no build-up, no nothing. That’s not how you character arc anything.

There goes Ballard. I’m not sorry.

All of Topher’s dialogue is idiotic rubbish.

Last minute ‘redeemed’ Alpha. He’s fun because Alan Tudyk is always fun, but honestly. Just bouncing forward in time and skipping all the development is pointless.

Could not be bothered with mourning Echo and Ballard’s super-creepy non-relationship...thing that the show never bothered to explore properly because they were too busy having no moral backbone to evaluate how problematic it was. Also really could not be bothered with Echo having a screaming fit at Priya because she’s sublimating her own regrets. Ballard��s relationship with Echo was never compelling, nor defined enough to matter, and this episode tries to treat it like the most meaningful centrepiece relationship for Echo’s character and consequently, the whole show. Hell nope.

Who wants to guess how much I don’t care about Mag or Zone?

Yeah, Echo imprinting herself with Ballard’s personality is SUPER weird. Also, isn’t this version of Ballard like, ten years outdated? They haven’t been backing him up on the Dollhouse drives while they’ve been out at Safe Haven avoiding tech, y’all. Kinda steps on the attempted warm and fuzzies, huh?

I don’t think anyone hit Echo? I think we’re still at seven for the season then, which is better than the ten episodes of beatings they clocked in season one, but that’s still seventeen of twenty-six episodes (65%, for those of you playing statistics at home), and sometimes she was beaten multiple times per episode and/or very brutally, AND that’s not including all the times she suffered injury and pain and physical attacks of various kinds that didn’t strictly involve her being hit. GREAT SCORE, show. Seems very normal.

Yeah, look, this doesn’t feel like it’s concluding anything meaningful for the show proper: it exists purely because they already did that other flash-forward episode at the end of last season. It’s a conclusion to that episode, not to the series, nor even to the arcs of the characters. It’s wasteful, and useless, and I hate that.

P.s. remember when this show seemed like it was gonna probably maybe address the idea of personhood and existentialism et al? That was a completely necessary discussion they absolutely should have bothered to ever have instead of just focusing on casually excusing rape narratives and making Echo ~the best ever~.

[alexroertgen-blog]

My First Dance with Ayahuasca- “Vine of the soul”- Trials & Tribulations

“Make the heart a chalice that holds the mind.” – Maestro Hamilton Souther

Hi, my name is Alex. I am a bit of a perfectionist, and have always held myself to the highest standard, but in reality my tough athletic exterior is a façade masking all of my insecurities, imperfections, deficiencies and deep flaws. I struggled with confidence and social anxiety all throughout my life up until my mid 20’s. I’ve always been a people pleaser, worrying about what other people thought about me, and doing my best to be the person everyone else wanted me to be. On the outside everything might look great, but on the inside I’ve been battling my own demons for years. This is why I chose to spend a week in the Amazon Rainforest of Peru working with Ayahuasca, and it ended up being probably one of the most enlightening, jaw-dropping, intense, and loving experiences that I’ve ever had. I learned so many valuable lessons that I’ve decided that I want to share my adventure with everyone. If you are curious about how profound my experience was and the lessons learned than continue reading. It is a little bit of a read, but I hope you enjoy! 

Recently, I had the honor to participate in a life-changing, ancient shamanic healing tradition that has existed, been practiced and passed down through tribal lineages and blood lines by the indigenous people of the Amazon Rainforest and other ancient wisdom traditions across the planet for thousands of years. Words can’t describe the week I had and the incredible people from all around the world that I was privileged to share the experience with. Led by 7th Generation Master Shaman, and one of the most powerful healers in Peru, Maestro Don Alberto Torres Davila, and Hamilton Souther, also Master Shaman and founder of Blue Morpho Tours, it was an incredible environment for deep cleansing, inner awakening, and a deep, transformative journey with the sacred Amazonian plant medicine ayahuasca. In order for change to happen, you need to facilitate an environment where insight can occur. Insight into how did we get here? You have to be able to look deep into your heart. The Blue Morpho Medicine World was that perfect sanctuary. They hold a sacred and safe place for you to go deep and discover and heal yourself. By looking inside, we begin to awaken.

In what follows, I am going to do my best to put an ineffable experience, and the lessons learned into words. So why am I deciding to share all of this? Because Ayahuasca was probably one of the greatest things I’ve ever done. Would I go back and do it again? ABSOLUTELY!!! I’ll probably be back sometime next year. I still hear “the calling.” There is still so much truth to be discovered. Still so much to learn, and so much more work to be done. It was a truly magical experience, and Peru will always hold a special place in my heart. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about my experience and plotting my return. It has shown me aspects of my higher self, and how to relate to others and the world with compassion, love and forgiveness.  I don’t know a single person who can’t benefit from this medicine. Thirty years of therapy in one night. These plant medicines provide a lens which you can view the world and other phenomena in a way that you’ve perhaps never looked at it before. It allows you to gain insights into how something works that normally wouldn’t come into the sphere of your attention. Who doesn’t stand to benefit from that?

We are born into these structures and we never think to question who put those structures in place. Who funded them? Whose philosophies are they? All of our information is given to us by someone or something else. We are programmed, trained and conditioned to look outside of ourselves, to external authorities, for everything and we are not even encouraged to go within and consult ourselves. Our society is phobic of the mind and terrified of the unconscious. These medicines teach you to go within yourself. They expand your consciousness. I believe that the medicine of the future is a growth in consciousness. Your higher consciousness empowers you to claim and be the architect of your life and destiny for the betterment of yourself and humanity. All of the answers to life’s biggest questions are not outside of us, they are deep within. Usually, deep introspection and meditative work is needed to access these depths. However, after having experienced it, I can truly say that respectful and experienced administration of plant medicines and ceremonies can be tools on the journey of self-awakening.

Life is a gift, and it offers us the opportunity, and responsibility to give something back by becoming more. Become the best possible version of yourself and give back because there is nothing more fulfilling, and no greater feeling than knowing that your words or actions helped influence another’s life for the better. You never know who your words and stories might touch. So many people can relate to my struggles because we are humans and we all have a story. Our natural human state is joyful, harmonious, and peaceful. However, for most people, deeply unconscious and long-suppressed fears, anger, and negative emotions drive our lives. True emotional healing always happens at the source and requires us to face our shadow and surrender to the healing process. This means entering the darkness willingly, in a state of naked vulnerability, in order to integrate then release its hold. I truly believe that Ayahuasca has the healing power to help anyone. She will open your heart, break down your walls and open your eyes to parts of yourself and life beyond the norm. She will change you in ways you never expected. These plants have the power to connect us to those parts of ourselves we have forgotten, ignored, or covered up. True healing puts into order the body, mind and spirit with the past, present, and the future. If we can each heal individually than we will see a dramatic change in society. We’re not in this alone. I really believe one of the best things we can do for our society is to realize we are all in this together.

How at ease we feel in our body, mind, and in the world, as well as how we behave toward others and the environment all revolve around how we view ourselves in the larger scheme of things. One of the most important lessons I learned was to not be afraid to be so vulnerable, embrace who I am and becoming, and to not take myself and life so seriously. This is me. It’s who I am, and other people’s judgement has no business with the things that feed my soul and make me, me. The world we live in, inundates us with far too many opinions about how we should be, look, and feel. This is part of what makes authentic self- expression so difficult. I’ve always been afraid to be myself and far too concerned with everyone else’s opinion. I’ve been doing my best to fit in and be friends with everyone for as long as I can remember. I always wanted to be liked, and that left me worrying about who I needed to be for different people. I’ve let go of all that, and only seek relationships that add to my life. I choose to live authentically! Rather than trying to be all things to all people, I offer my most precious gift...the unapologetic Me! I’ve realized that what I need to be, and have always needed to be, is completely comfortable with who I am. It was one of the lessons I needed to learn and that I’ll need to continually work on. A courageous heart is one that is unafraid to open to the world.

I also know that by sharing this, I am leaving no option, but to make myself totally vulnerable and I’ll be forced to learn to not let other people’s opinions affect or hold influence over me. Vulnerability is the gateway to authenticity, and without being vulnerable we can’t truly be ourselves. Once we remove our masks and start talking about some of our demons they begin to lose power over us. No longer do I feel I need someone or depend on another person for my worth.  I am part of a community of people that fully love and support me.

I also want to hold myself accountable. If I hope to facilitate change, than I need to be that source of change. Who we are and what we do are influenced by the stories that we tell about ourselves. While we can’t always change the stories that others have about us, we can influence the stories we tell about ourselves. Everyone deserves to live the best possible life they can. If your story has been holding you back, flip the script. Rewrite the narrative for a brighter future. Use your story to empower yourself and create the life you deserve. Use your story to give others hope, which in turn reinforces your desire to live a life you love. After all, what could be greater than helping others? In the end, your story is one worth telling, and you should never forget that!

It is important to learn to forgive our own lapses. How often are you quick to forgive someone else's mistake, or even truly bad behavior, while continuing to beat yourself up for a mistake that you made? Building walls, it is easy to become trapped behind your own emotional defenses, leaving yourself feeling isolated and alone.

“If you condemn yourself for who you were, and you carry that forward, you carry yourself forward in a prison.”- Paul Selig

 Learning to love ourselves is one of the toughest lessons we will ever face. We all have flaws, imperfections, embarrassing stories, and past mistakes we wish we could forget. We are insecure, and desperately wish we could change certain things. That's human nature. But the trick is to realize that everyone feels this way. No matter how beautiful, successful, or perfect someone might appear, he or she has their own insecurities and self-doubt. To really learn to love ourselves, we need to own and embrace our past mistakes, but also realize that they don't define our present or our future. Acknowledge yourself as a whole human being with flaws, imperfections and all. Apologize to anyone you feel you have significantly wronged, and then move on. The only worthy thing is love. It is the greatest gift in life. The most sacred bond we can have with other people. If we can remember to love, if we can remember to be openhearted people, we can engage in everything in our lives in a higher much more joyful way. 

So where do I begin? The whole experience in Peru was so incredible, transformative, and magical. It was the craziest adventure of my life. I didn’t tell anyone I was going. Literally nobody knew. I let go of what I knew and journeyed into the unfamiliar. It was such an incredible feeling. I felt so free, brave, and adventurous. To go somewhere by myself, in a country where I don’t know anyone or anything about and not tell anyone, left me feeling so adventurous and so alive. But, intuitively, I just felt like I was coming home. Thrill and excitement never stopped pulsating through my veins. Why would I keep it secret? It wasn’t because I felt like I had to, it was because something inside of me told me I needed to do this alone. I knew that one day I would share my experience. When I got back, I realized that would be sooner than later. Beforehand, I didn’t know what to think, but afterwards I didn’t care. I knew what I did was the right decision. Life is a continually evolving adventure, and I’m just along for the ride.

As far as the Ayahuasca ceremonies, I had five totally different experiences. Seven nights, five ceremonies, five totally different experiences. The first night was pretty mild, but it taught me a valuable lesson I’ve struggled to learn throughout my life. I’ve always chased the high. Always had the pedal to the metal. When the Ayahuasca didn’t hit me hard that first night, I was a little disappointed. I wanted results. I wanted immediate insights. I wanted answers, fast. But, I soon came to realize that it was helping me to develop a healthy relationship with the medicine, and it was teaching me to appreciate the moment and ease into the experience. I believe that night set the tone for the ones to follow, because every night after that I felt like I had developed a healthy, respectful relationship with the brew and we understood each other.  

The second night was probably one of the happiest nights of my life. I felt like I was in the movie avatar. Had some crazy beautiful visuals and visited all of these different dimensions and far off lands full of magnificent creatures. When my eyes were closed I was in a fantasy land, however, when I opened my eyes I was surrounded by layers and layers of different dimensions. Time also seemed to slow to a still. I could see movements as a delay, or lag. People moving around the room were followed by their trails. It was like watching Neo move in the Matrix in slow motion. I’ve chased adventure and travel my entire life. I’ve visited 75% of the United States and I’ve been to three other continents. I’m constantly plotting my next adventure. I’ve seen truly magnificent places around the world, but nothing could ever top what I saw and the feeling it gave me on that second night. That night I also had these little entities working on me, like little surgeons aligning my energies and trying to fix anything that was wrong in my body. The visual experience was very strange, but the effect was remarkably healing and I couldn’t have been more grateful for it. I remember waking up the following day feeling better than I have in years. In fact, I woke up every day after feeling like a champion.

The third night was insane. Quite possibly the most profound night of my life. I was flying through space, catapulted into a realm of pure love energy, exploring multitude dimensions of immense, profound beauty. I had separated the ego mind and merged with pure consciousness. I lost my sense of self, and entered what felt formless. Not a void, but pure quantum potentiality, a permanence of continuum. It was a state of pure knowing, without any of the projections of the ego. The same stuff that the mystics talk of. The Divine Light. Source Energy. The Holy Spirit. Buddha Nature. It was a state of complete ego dissolution and non-duality. The fundamental clear knowing and true seeing that there is no “I” or “mine” that the Buddha taught. I was one with everything. I saw Buddha, Jesus, and all of these mythical figures and they welcomed me and told me that I was one of them now. That night I experienced “enlightenment.” My brain was a quantum computer processing information at light speed. It was unfathomable the volume of information my mind was downloading. It had a level of consciousness that seemed almost impossible to comprehend. My mind actually felt like it was the entire universe. I wasn’t in the universe, I was the universe. Completely plugged into everything else. I had this feeling that I was one with everything, and that I wasn’t just in the mind of god, but I was a part of god. Everything just kept merging into one. I was so full of love and so open. I saw that the universe has no end and no beginning, and nothing truly dies. Once the medicine lifts the veil of the illusions of separation, mortality, duality and space-time, we see reality and ourselves as what we truly are – the one energy that is manifesting itself in an infinite number of ways. It is all real! I saw that we are consciousness having a human experience and we are all one!

Whether what I saw and experienced was real, or whether it was just in my imagination, there was this clear headed, intuitive, innate knowing that it was real, true and objective. Nothing but pure absolute conviction that I was experiencing the truth. It was as real and objective as me sitting here writing this. Regardless of whether or not a certain situation or experience is real in the three dimensions that we go about in our waking lives or whether it is in the dream world or whether you perceive it as a hallucination, the experience in and of itself is still real. The objective realities of the three dimensions are still illusory and imagined by our senses. We see 1% of the electromagnetic spectrum as visible light. That’s only 1% of the spectrum that we know. There can be infinite spectrums that we don’t know about. The way a bat perceives our world as opposed to how we perceive our world is radically different. As humans we are such a small part of this universe. We are a filter of information but we can only filter so much, so we aren’t privy to all of these different realms on a conscious level on a minute to minute basis.

We've all heard of the placebo effect. You get a sugar pill instead of the real medicine and it works solely because you believe it would. Your mind heals you because you trust the medicine. So if what I saw was real or just in my head, does it matter if my mind believes it real and is just creating that reality? If your mind believes in something strongly, it will do wonders to bring it to fruition. Today it seems that nearly everyone believes, and the latest science points toward the fact, that the way we think has an effect on our life, and that our thinking creates our reality. Neuroscience says your brain is organized to reflect everything you know in your life and is a record of your environment. So we think everything equal to what we know and keep creating more of the same. To truly change we need to think greater than our environment.

The fourth and fifth nights in ceremony were more about purging my body of unwanted toxins and negative energies. Ayahuasca cleansed a tremendous amount of dense energies that have accumulated in my system as well as brought up many fragmented aspects of my past that have been buried in my subconscious. Walking out of ceremony into the night sky on the last night was utterly amazing. The Milky Way was in full display and the sky was incredible. Bright stars littered the sky from horizon to horizon. It was mesmerizing. Never seen anything like it. I didn’t feel like I was looking out into the universe. I felt like I was standing there right in the middle of the universe.

I didn’t have any bad experiences. It was truly amazing and I met tons of cool people from around the world. I have friends in Australia, New Zealand, Malaysia, Vancouver, Ukraine and London now. On the first day we were all strangers, but by the last day we were family. We spent time being vulnerable with each other, shared delicious meals, and faced the deepest darkest parts of ourselves together. I was surrounded by such interesting, intelligent and compassionate people that made this whole experience so magical. I feel closer to my Blue Morpho family now than I have to nearly every other person in my life. These were warriors, people who had traveled half way across the world to a foreign country, embarking on a journey into the unknown, to face their fears and deepest wounds all so that they could become better versions of themselves. They were some of the bravest people I’ve ever met. Every single one of them was prepared for what lies ahead, because deep healing can be challenging. We were meant to be with this particular group of people, and we all came together to share such an incredible experience for a reason.

The experience was so mind altering. I don’t know if I’ve ever felt happier. It really did transform me to the core. I feel lighter, brighter, more vital, more compassionate, and so full of love and happiness, and more in touch with myself and the world around me. Ayahuasca tore down my emotional barriers and opened my heart, my mind, and my eyes. I felt plugged into something bigger than myself. She broke open the doors to higher consciousness.

“Ayahuasca is a holistic, existential, experiential medicine, shamanic brew and well-known natural entheogen that facilitates deep cleansing, and states of inner-awakening. It rids the body of physical impurities, heals deep-seated emotional and psychological issues by cleansing your subconscious mind, the body and the energetic system of negative energies, helps bring integration to deep-seated emotional problems, and guides us towards releasing limiting and fear-filled beliefs.”

“Whether you are looking for personal healing and cleansing, discovering an overall greater sense of purpose, presence and peace in your life, or for rejuvenation and perspective, spiritual growth, insight or meaning in life, profound change, or to expand your consciousness, or are on a path of self-discovery and awakening in search of direction, plant medicines can help facilitate your journey. Each person becomes their own guru receiving revelations from within themselves and higher transpersonal sources.”

Ayahuasca supports you in facing your darkest shadows, your most repressed traumas, and your most serious wounds. What if you could return to your childhood and relive your darkest experiences with your current strength and maturity? What if you could reconnect with your essence, the part of yourself you covered up in order to survive as a child because it was not approved of, validated, or loved by others. Following a path of inner work triggers the old trauma, loosens it, and brings it to the light to be released. We offer up all of what no longer serves us to be burned up. By bringing more consciousness to the emotional process we can actually gain new choices over our feelings and behavior. We can free our hearts and minds from the chains of past conditioning, and can actually learn how to cultivate the more satisfying states of mind. Until the underlying wound is healed, until the casual emotions are faced and integrated, the part of you which experienced trauma and found a way to cope with it continues to run the same program over and over, endlessly. They stay with us for life unless we delve deep to find their cause – a negative residual energy that manifested as an emotional blockage. A gaping hole remains, and you try to fill it with whatever is at hand while life feels like a prison. Since what you resist persists, at some point you must find the courage to dig deep. If not now, when? Ayahuasca allows you to unlock those implicit memories, like a key, and allows you to go back and reprocess them logically without emotion. The bravest people are the ones who have the courage to be able to face their demons, and the constant barrage and assaults of their own minds. They say that you never come to play with Ayahuasca, it’s always work. That’s because it’s not easy, it’s a challenging undertaking.

Ayahuasca allows access to dimensions that are usually inaccessible to the heavily conditioned human mind. There are no words to describe it. It's an expansion of heart, mind, and spirit. The usual frames of references holding our common daily understandings of reality in place become obliterated with an opening perceptibility to activity, phenomena, and information in frequency ranges outside of the five senses. It dissolves the illusory self and significantly increases your awareness of your own self-constructed boundaries, and guides you to release fear-filled and self-limiting beliefs. Things come up that people realize are in there but have not been able to confront or really bring to the forefront. They’ve relatively successfully suppressed it but it’s still wielding a negative influence in their life. There is a purification and bringing forward that of what has been suppressed in the subconscious. Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life. This process initiates a long term healing journey that supports your overall liberation from the hypnosis of your condition. It shines a light into your shadow, and helps you to become aware of negative patterns. Unconscious deep emotional wounds and aspects of our mind that hinder us from living our lives to the fullest are integrated while new insights and perspectives about the self, world and universe are introduced all within the individual’s consciousness. You then need to become intimate with your fears, embrace your darkest shadows, and consciously guide yourself back to wholeness. The results are usually profound healing and significant life transformation

Miracles with ayahuasca come in all shapes and sizes; they can be insights, revelations, eradication of fears and addictions, relationship shifts, relocations, career changes and altered life courses. The common theme? If you do the work, you will get to release that which no longer serves you, tap into your power of choice, and write your own destiny.

This is why I felt a calling, and followed my heart, to go to Peru to work with Shamans. Ayahuasca has an uncanny ability to know when the time is right, and when the person is ready to sit with the medicine, she will call for them, and this is exactly what I experienced. I’ve known about it for probably over 5 years, and I’ve always been intrigued by it, but it wasn’t until about 3 months ago when I felt this undeniable calling too it. It needs to be an internal personal decision. I initially felt drawn to it because of claims from people who had kicked lifelong addictions seemingly overnight. For me, this calling was, in large part, because I’ve been holding onto a lot of baggage that I needed to shed. Things that I was passion about and used to leave me feeling so happy were leaving me feeling unsatisfied. I could feel myself closing off to life, and I hated it. So, I knew it was right and I went there completely calm and without conviction. There was definitely a magical element about doing it at its place of origin, in the middle of the Amazon, under a Milky Way sky, while listening to the sounds of the rainforest. We were also allowed to participate in the harvest and brewing of the Ayahuasca that we drank. This gave us the opportunity to put our intentions into the brew and that added a very special element.

Key to preparation is a conscious formation of an intention, something you want to fix or insight you seek to gain. Ayahuasca will show you what you need to see or to let go of. These were my intentions:

1.      Transform my life and start living for something bigger

2.      Confront my conditioning. Break down all walls and barriers and be free from all limiting beliefs, negative thoughts and behaviors that no longer serve me.

3.      Deep personal healing & forgiveness of myself for all of my mistakes and the people I’ve wronged. Heal my life, identity and traumas.

4.      Gain insight into my life. What is my purpose? Why am I here? What can I do to live a more fulfilling life? What can I do to flourish?

5.      Open my heart and feel love to all of life. Stop living so closed off. Reclaim the parts of me that have been cut off and abandoned. Restore the vitality, creativity, imagination, playfulness, and connection to my inner child.

My whole life I’ve been a very deep, self-aware, introspective, reflective individual. Constantly contemplating the universe and my existence. I’ve always been fascinated by the complexity of life and the immensity of the universe. Curious about what some of the brightest theoretical scientists & evolutionary biologists of the world thought on the universe and life, I delved into a period of my life where I read every book I could on evolution, the history of our planet, the universe, quantum physics, string theory, black holes, and the theory of everything. I learned about quarks, bosons, neutrinos, god particles, string theory, and multiverses. I wanted to understand the Big Picture. That question has always intrigued me. Why am I here? Why are humans here? What is my part in this? What is the meaning of all this? Little did I know that in Peru, I would get a glimpse of all of this. In addition to contemplating the universe outside, I started reading a lot into Buddhist psychology because I knew there was a way into the universe by going within. Scientists investigate life by looking outside of themselves, while Buddhist meditators look inward. In either direction reality displays roughly the same qualities. Scientists and meditators give similar accounts of everything from brain functions to subatomic realities. As inside, so outside. The big difference is that by seeing these truths inside ourselves, the information becomes personal. 

"When I was 5 years old, my mother always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down 'happy'. They told me I didn't understand the assignment, and I told them they didn't understand life."

This quote by John Lennon has always resonated with me. It’s the reoccurring theme of my life. We only get one crack at this, and I’ve always promised myself that I would never settle for anything but the best in life. Too often I see people working a 9-5, and every day is the same old boring routine, just going through the same routine motions, just living for the weekend. I promised myself I would never be that person. Success without fulfillment would be the ultimate failure. Life isn’t meant to be repetitive, boring and monotonous. There would be life, love and adventure in everything I do. Being optimally well is not just the mere absence of illness, it’s about thriving and continually striving to live a life that is full, meaningful, zestful and exuberant.

The biggest reasons why I wanted to go to Peru was because of the baggage I’ve been holding onto due to the ignorance and delusion that plagued my early/mid-20s, but also so that I could gain some insight, possibly find some answers to life’s biggest questions, and start living a more fulfilling, meaningful and purposeful existence.

In my early 20s I went through a period of mild depression. I had just graduated college with a bachelor’s degree in civil engineering; a degree I wasn’t sure I ever really wanted. I felt so lost. I wanted to live a life full of purpose, and meaning. I wanted to help people, and find a way I could contribute to society, and know that one day when I leave this planet I will have left it for the better. This couldn’t be it. I’ve always known that the secret to living is giving. The world doesn’t need any more building engineers. On top of that, I was unhappy living in NY. I felt trapped, and I didn’t know what to do. I felt myself slipping into that life and person I promised I would never be, so naturally I turned to alcohol as a clutch. I always knew and had profound sense that there was more to life. I think it’s safe to say that I failed myself in this period of life. The failure hurt, but it was a wonderful teacher. The most difficult experiences tend to be the most valuable experiences. That’s where the opportunity to learn really opens up

I feel like I’ve been holding onto a lot of guilt over these years of destructive behavior and abusing alcohol. I know that I was young and immature, and had been acting out of delusion & ignorance, but even so I’ve nonstop been mentally punishing myself for years. I’ve been holding onto a lot of baggage that I needed to shed. I was back in the prison of my mind, but I could see that the door was locked from the inside this whole time. In my late teens and early 20s, I was always shy and just wanted to be like everyone else and feel accepted. Feeling like an outsider, I internalized this as though something was wrong with me and so whenever I’d go into social situations there was always this story in the back of my mind that I’m not good looking enough, I’m not funny enough, or I’m not social enough. Alcohol gave me a way out. It gave me that liquid courage! I had found a new sense of confidence and could talk to anyone! It was a false personality, a mask worn to cover and protect my true inner self from a world that is callous and hurtful. But I realize now, that I’ve never wanted to be like those people and the person I was. I hated the person I was becoming. I compromised myself and my values to gain approval and validation. The core problem for me was a lack in self-acceptance, self-love, and self-worth. As small children, we are open and free, sharing all of ourselves with others. As we grow and mature, however, we learn that the world can be a very painful place, so we avoid or try to minimize the risk of being hurt again. Out of fear of rejection or abandonment we learn to protect ourselves. We build walls around our hearts, and even worse, we begin to believe and internalize negative thoughts and feelings about ourselves. As we search for answers to life's hurts, we often begin to believe that we were responsible for them. The best way to minimize the potential damage is not to build walls. To combat the fear of vulnerability, we must first learn to love and accept our whole, authentic self.

All I’ve ever really wanted was to accept my true self. Self-acceptance trumps self-esteem, and genuine confidence is not the absence of fear, it is the transformed relationship with fear. What is there ever to fear? Life is in a constant state of flux. Every moment is impermanent and changing. The only thing promised is that we will all one day leave this body. It’s unavoidable, so why not do the things that scare you? What do you have to lose?

Even though I don’t drink often anymore, I’ve still been punishing myself and I feel like I’ve had thoughts of unworthiness and had become closed off to a lot of life. Adventure, travel, and things that used to bring me joy were just leaving me feeling unsatisfied. In relationships, I’d pull back because I felt like I didn’t deserve this. I know I have such a good heart and I wanted to open it to feel compassion, love and forgiveness for myself so that I could love life again. Some people would just brush it off, and say “don’t worry about it, that’s how kids your age are supposed to act.” But it’s never been that easy. I did a lot of dumb things, ruined relationships and friendships, and I’ve been holding onto a lot of these mistakes since my early 20s. Not only was I abusing alcohol, but I was lying and hiding it from the people I loved and cared about. I put my family through too much, left my mom constantly worrying about me, and I mistreated and hurt too many people along the way. I’ve been craving my own forgiveness for years. It is only by facing, taking ownership, and reclaiming those unintegrated parts of the self that have manifested as fear, and negative patterns that we may get to the root cause of our suffering and truly heal.

I was able to see all of that in ceremony. It has been my own self-defeating behaviors, and limiting self-beliefs that have kept me trapped. You can search the whole universe and not find any being more worthy of your love & happiness than yourself! It unearthed traumas that were deeply buried in the subconscious of my mind. It was a lot of unflattering stuff. Ways that I’ve hurt people and been dishonest in my life, mistakes I’ve made, ways that I haven’t lived up to my potential and failed myself or failed others. I saw the many ways that I have hurt and harmed myself & others, betrayed or abandoned them, caused them suffering, knowingly or unknowingly, out of my pain, fear, anger and confusion, and the sorrow I’ve carried from this. Ayahuasca allows you to see and perceive things you can’t ordinarily, in ways you wouldn’t ordinarily, and it also allows you to see things from other perspectives, through the eyes of other people. It will also often show you what it’s like speaking and interacting with you from the other side. It allows you to relive the experience, but from a somewhat detached third person perspective. Almost as an observer, observing yourself in a life situation and seeing the past in a way that you’ve never seen it before. I was able to see the impact that I’ve had on others, and that impact wasn’t always positive. It allowed me to see that from another person’s point of view. I suddenly realized the pain my negligence was causing others.

I was able to go all the way back in time and see when it all started, where it all went wrong and why. I was able to activate repressed memories in ways that allowed me to come to a new understanding of my past. I was able to reconnect with parts of myself that I have felt shame or guilt around. I replayed my life slowly and meticulously and was able to go through different periods and explore the instinctual qualities of myself and see how those behaviors became conditioned in my brain. I saw the mechanics of how my personal story got created, and when and how I developed an abusive, unhealthy relationship with alcohol and why it continued to perpetuate. Allowing difficult feelings and emotions to surface, accepting them, integrating them and then releasing them was an indispensable part of the healing process. By bringing it to my awareness and seeing it and understanding how it all happened, I was able to come to terms with it, forgive myself, and to let it all go. I was able to see all of the people I’ve hurt, and to ask them for their forgiveness. Most importantly, I was finally able to see how deluded & ignorant I’ve been and to forgive myself. I’m alive. I survived all of it.

“The day the child realizes all adults are imperfect, he becomes an adolescent; The day he forgives them, he becomes an adult; And the day he forgives himself, he becomes wise.” –Alden Nowlan

I applied loving kindness to the younger Alex, the older versions of Alex who had these behaviors that I had grown to hate and resent, and actually thank them for the role they played. Ayahuasca showed me both the ways I’ve closed off from myself, and that I no longer need to because the love is still there, it’s always been there. I realize now that all of my “problems” were a gift. Without problems we would not grow. All of my past failures and frustrations have laid the foundation for the understandings that will create a new, higher level of living I intend to enjoy.

“The journey into self-love and self-acceptance must begin with self-examination...until you take the journey of self-reflection, it is almost impossible to grow or learn in life.” -Iyanla Van Zant

I honestly feel lighter since I’ve been back and my heart feels open again and I finally feel free from my past mistakes. I am learning to love myself and feel a sense of worth for simply being a human. Ayahuasca really did open me up and I’ve felt so full of love & happiness, and I’ve been calm, more relaxed, and at peace. I have been able to engage with the world in a way that comes from a heart centered perspective. I have gained such a deep trust in life and the journey. Especially after the last night when I just laid down by myself and stared at the stars for hours and asked the universe to start living for something bigger. I was talking to the universe and the universe was talking back, I could feel it. In that moment, I knew my dreams were already answered. As I stood there, staring off into the universe, sharing the air with those who lived in the past, I knew that I was standing there with my ancestors, sharing the same incredible views and feelings of amazement that they witnessed thousands of years ago. I’ve never felt closer and more alive. I saw 7 shooting stars and I could see the Milky Way. I was in total awe. I’ve never seen the nighttime sky like that. The whole experience was just so profound, and looking out into the universe made me realize how insignificant my problems and mistakes really are and how stupid it is for me to let them continue to haunt and hold power over me. It seems that my early/mid 20s was about losing myself, so that my early 30s I could come home to my true self.

“The person who hasn’t conquered, withstood and overcome continues to feel doubtful that he ever could.” – Abraham Maslow 

I remember sitting in ceremony repeating to myself over and over again, how can I ever go back to reality as it’s been? There was no possible way. I had seen and experienced way too much. I also remember sitting there and feeling deep within that we, as a collective, had just raised the level of consciousness of the entire planet. Twenty three people in ceremony, in the middle of the Amazon, had a global ripple effect. I knew from that moment that my life was forever transformed. There is no going back after experiencing yourself as the eternal light of all there is. How can you hold grudges or attempt to harm another knowing they are your own? How can you not care for mother earth given she is our beautiful creation? How will you now look at the challenges in your life after having experienced yourself as formless and timeless Source Energy that has neither beginning nor end?

“Man is the most insane species. He worships an invisible god and slaughters a visible nature, without realizing that this nature he slaughters is the invisible god he worships.” – Herbert Reeves 

It's not the events of our lives that shape us, but our beliefs as to what those events mean. Going to Peru was my 30th birthday present to myself. It was a deeply spiritual experience for me and something I needed to do for my own personal healing. I wanted to shed everything that has been holding me back, so that I could forge forward and carve out a new future, and start off 31 as the best year of my life and a beautiful new beginning. A deep spiritual experience is only possible when we put our ego aside. It’s about merging with something larger than you and it’s your ego that stands in the way. If we can subdue it, amazing things happen and we realize that we are part of a larger collective. When we don’t feel a part of some grander design we are forced to carry all of the meaning of life on our own shoulders. 

I have no doubt that in the coming months, as I continue to integrate, I’ll come to new insights and have amazing things to report. Just being in the middle of the Amazon rainforest completely disconnected from society was so liberating and incredible. Set and setting was everything. It can definitely be work, but it’s the price to pay if it means finding your passion and purpose and start living a fulfilling life free from past baggage. If we don’t set a baseline standard for what we accept in life, we will find it easy to slip into a quality of life and behaviors that are far below what we deserve. We can change our lives. We can do, have, and be exactly what we wish. Who we become, and what we contribute is what gives meaning to our lives.

There is no greater force for the good than a healthy, energized, awakened individual with a clear mission. The strongest purpose in life is to be of service to those you love. We need to realize that the power to cultivate change is in our hands. Open the mind, and expand it. Plug into something bigger than yourself and raise your consciousness. When we look up, we are all under the same sky and when we look within, the same light shines. 

We are not separate from nature, or even each other. Every one of our decisions and actions affects all of these realms. Realizing that we are an integral part of this vast and complex web of life, and that the health of the whole is intimately connected with the health of the individual, it is critical that the global shift in consciousness assumes this perspective, and that starts with each of us.

How many lives will you touch while you have the privilege to walk this planet? What impact will your life have on the generations that follow you? What legacy will you leave behind after you have taken your last breath? What would you be doing if you could do anything in the world and there was nothing in the way, no obstacles? How can I live today in order to create the tomorrow I’m committed to? Consciously choose each step, aiming for the direction which calls you closer to your highest aspirations. 

As the great Albert Einstein once said, “There are two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.” What will you chose? I challenge you to make your life a masterpiece. Join the ranks of the people who live what they teach, and who walk their talk. There is no greatness without a passion to be great. 

“Only those who have learned the power of sincere and selfless contribution experience life’s deepest joy: true fulfillment.” – Tony Robbins

[yourjughead]

Krakens

Sweet Pea x Reader

A/N: I'm heading into exams so I'm not sure how many fics will be posted over the next week if any. I'll do my best my loves.

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You lay tangled with Sweet Pea in his trailer, Friday night buzzing around outside. The both of you cocooned away from it all. Your phone alarm buzzed, Sweet Pea sighing loudly.

“I gotta go, family will be wondering where I am”

“And when are you going to tell them where you actually are”

“Hmmm when you clean this trailer” you winked, grabbing your coat from the disgruntled kitchen, Sweet Pea following you closely, rolling his eyes.

“I want to meet your family ynn, it's only right. We've been going out almost a year. I feel like you're ashamed of me or something” he looked to the ground and you took his face in your hands. He held them there, loving the feel of your delicate touch.

“Of course I'm not! You've met my friends and they're miles more important to me than my family”

“Still though…”

“They're just really classist and terrible people. I know my parents would have loved you of that's any consolation”. Your parents had died when you were 13 then you were shipped off from your home, to Riverdale, to live with your aunt and uncle. Imagine Cheryl Blossoms parents but miles worse and miles wealthier. They could buy the Blossoms 10 times over. While your own parents were wealthy, they didn't half flaunt it as much and wanted to raise you as a hard working, fair woman not a social snob with and ego to match like your cousin of the same age.

“I still want to meet them”

“And have them forbid me from seeing you?! After all Northsiders aren't supposed to really be friends with Southsiders” You pulled from him suddenly

“Well that would be kinda hot not going to lie” he caught your hips and buried his face in your neck as you giggled. You pulled his head to meet your lips briefly before flying for the door before he could stop you again.

“Bye Sweets, love you"

“Yeah yeah whatever” he turned to face away from you. This conversation always ended the same, with you avoiding a straight answer.

Sweet Pea POV

To say I was nervous was putting it lightly. I was shaking in my boots. Jughead and Toni helped me find a suit. I had to bribe them both into keeping what I was doing quiet. Especially from Fangs, if he knew I was dressed in a suit for yn hed call me whipped and never let it go.

I arrived at the address and wow it was fancy, too fancy for me. Ynn was right, this was a bad idea.

“Sweets!” I heard her beautiful voice as I was about to turn around and bolt out the door. Wow. She looked amazing.

“What do you think?” She gave a little twirl in her almost ball gown. I couldn't actually speak, my mouth was dry.

“I'll take that as a good sign” she laughed, taking my hand in hers she pulled me deeper into this world she didn't seem to fit into. Or at least the ynn I know didn't fit in. It was prissy and snobby and perfect in a way that was unsettling and false. Not like my ynn at all and yet she seemed to be like a chameleon in this world. I'm really going to try for her. As I thought this I ran smack bang into a waiter sending his tray to the floor. I was instant apologies and attempted to assist him, to which he looked at me like I had three heads.

“I know it's awful but we just have to walk away” she whispered, dragging me off. It was awful. Even I thought it was a terrible thing to do and I've done some shocking things.

She pulled me to the side of the room out of sight briefly, pulling me into a kiss.

“ready sweets?”

“As much as one can be”

“Where's your tattoo?” I looked to the floor.

“I covered it, Toni did it, I thought it might be better”

“I hate it”

“Me too” I laughed, meeting her eyes again. I'm glad she agrees.

“I don't like your hair all combed like that either”

“Wow you're working wonders for my confidence and I was going to say you're the most beautiful girl i've ever seen but I'll just have to say something mean instead…you're only the second most beautiful girl I've ever seen...that doesn't even sound slightly believable” I smirked and she blushed.

“No I just mean I like the way you're normally dressed”

“I like when you're not dressed at all” she shoved me laughing.

“I'd nearly prefer that then this stupid dress”

“I think you look gorgeous” smile to match.

“I think you look uncomfortable”

“Yn, I promise everything will be fine”

Then I met the krakens that were her aunt and uncle. Terrible people as promised. Snooty, snobbish socialites who made their money off YNs parents and wouldn't know hard work if it hit them. I wanted to hit them.

“And what do your parents do?” even though I was I was much taller than her aunt, she still managed to look down her nose at me. Yn squeezed my hand, so far I had fended off every rude question and snide remark, I wasn't doing terribly. I had told them SP stood for Steven Paul, thought my actual name would raise less questions but I could tell it made ynn sad I had to lie. Yn tried not to laugh at my ridiculous alias.

“Pharmacists” that's not a total lie. Ynn had to look away from me to stop herself from laughing. I didn't have a great relationship with my parents, if one at all but it wasn't a sore topic for me, I was simply used to them being crappy.

“Oh what part of pharmacy?” Her uncle finally pried his eyes off the young waitress serving us to listen to me.

“Emm, Mom's in production and dad...dad works in dispensing” I bit the inside of my cheek to stop a laugh from rising. Yn couldn't and let a small one slip.

“What's so funny YN YLN?” Her aunt bit. I didn't like the way they used her Dad's last name like a curse. I can tell she felt the same. My turn to squeeze her hand under the table for reassurance.

“Nothing” she looked back to her plate of untouched food. She seemed immensely uncomfortable around them, I felt more at home than she did and that says a lot.

“Yn, sit up straight for Christ sake, SP wouldn't want to be seen with someone the posture of a troglodyte!” Her uncle alongside me snapped.  Yn adjusted.

The same waitress her uncle had been fawning over moved to serve water. Her Uncle slipped his hand around her leg causing her to jump and dump the jug of water all over me and the table.

“Argh!” I stood to me feet instantly at the cold, yn grabbing napkins and coming to my aid.

“Oh yn you giant cluts!” Her aunt shouted.

“But I-”

“Go get some proper towels you useless little girl!” Ugh they make my blood boil.

“No no, the napkins are fine, thanks YN" I removed my drenched suit jacket and began dabbing my face and neck with the napkin. Her uncle had us swiftly moved to another table. I continued to dry myself off as we sat back down.

“Yn you really must be more careful” her uncle repremained her and it was killing me. I can see now more than ever why she wanted to keep this world from me.

“SP, what's that on your neck?” Her aunt began squinting and I covered over my tattoo again with tissue. I must have wiped the makeup off. Shit shit shit.

“It's his Serpent tattoo” the whole table, including myself looked confused and shocked at yns suddenly brave voice.

“His what?” I could feel my neck reddening.

“Serpent tattoo, you get one when you join the Serpents, like Sweet Pea here. Yup, his name is Sweet Pea not Steven Paul or whatever witness protection program sounding name he said.” She tilted her head challengingly in their direction. Wow I'm turned on by this.

“I don't understand” her uncle could just manage.

“I'm dating a Serpent, simple as. I have been for the past year, I've even been to the Whyte Wyrm”

“You shut your mouth young lady before someone hears you!”

“I hope they do! I'm sick of you people! I love Sweet Pea, gangs and gun violence and all! When I'm 18 I'm taking back everything my parents gave you awful awful people because you sure as hell don't deserve it!” She then stormed off in the direction of the car parks

“Ahem well, lovely meeting you….No actually not really, you don't deserve to have yn in your lives and by the way, I scratched the side of your car with my bike” I followed her quickly then, leaving them stunned and confused.

I ran out to see yn leaning against my bike I had parked around the corner to avoid being seen.

“You look hot”

“I'm sorry I blew your cover, I'm just really over being their puppet”

“That's okay, I was going to say something eventually” I pulled her into my chest, shielding her from the cold and a world she didn't belong to.

“Do you think I could live you for awhile Sweets? Just till I'm 18, then my inheritance will be unfrozen”

“Oh, a girl with money, hot” she bumped me with her hip before clawing herself back into my chest.

“I'd love if you'd live with me” she smiled before running her hand through my hair to return it to its normal messy texture.

“Much better, I can actually kiss you now without thinking is this boy going to try to sell me stocks after” I grinned into the kiss we shared. I love my Northsider girlfriend.

---------------------------------

Much love Xx

[glitterysummerkitty]

Dr Bombshell & Mr Hollywood

Please go to the Masterlist for links to the preceding chapter. Thank you.

Chapter 14

(Part 1)

        Finding herself in the same stressful situation twice in a span of less than twenty – four hours wasn’t something that was good for Candice’s heart, as it refused to slow down in its confines. Naomi’s dinner proposal, at her place had taken Candice by complete surprise and her brain had frantically plunged into finding a reason to avoid it, but the great Claire had taken it upon herself to accept the invitation for the both of them.

      So, on that glorious Saturday night, Candice found herself on board Claire’s car once again, headed to dine with Naomi, in a different part of the city than she was used to. She wanted to just curl up in her couch with Mr Ruskin and continue reading the book or cook a warm dinner and listen to Debussy, but life just didn’t work that way.

“Do you think Jake Gyllenhaal would be there?”, nothing seemed to deter Claire’s excitement, as she carefully navigated through the Saturday evening traffic. Candice sneakily observed her perky agent and was totally narked by the excitement dripping from her expression. How could she be so excited about the situation while she was dreading the whole thing? With some degree of conviction and concern for herself, that maybe her lawyer wasn’t wrong or even Melanie for that matter, about her needing therapy. Of course she knew that there was nothing wrong with anxiousness. Everyone faced anxiety to some degree when faced with new situations, but she was beginning to realise that what she was facing was not healthy.

“Hello... Earth to Candice!”, Claire’s excited voice cut through her self- diagnosis and Candice shot her companion an annoyed look.

“I asked you if you thought Jake Gyllenhaal would be there.”, Claire grinned, her brown eyes still fixed on the road before her.

“Should it matter? Aren’t you married?”, Candice cavilled.

“So what?”, Claire snorted. “There’s no harm in some flirting. Besides George isn’t here.”

“Well, then. For your sake I hope he’s there.”, Candice said, her mind briefly going back to that night at Gustavo’s.

      The rest of the ride Claire kept chattering about Jake and his movies and his scandalous relationship with the now famed actress Tessie. Candice tuned out the entire conversation and instead paid attention to the streets. Ever since she moved to New York, she had explored fair part of the city but still there were areas that she had never been to and Hudson Square was one such neighbourhood. Being within Manhattan, her work and home lay in Upper East Side and she never had an excuse to drive so far south until now. She tried to keep her attention pegged to many new street names and the several establishments that lined the streets in order to escape her torturous thoughts of what lay ahead.

      Finally, after a good thirty minute drive, Claire came to stop before a lavish apartment complex. Candice stepped out gracefully out the car, her cocktail dress slightly rustling as she did. No sooner had she stepped into the lobby, Candice felt gratitude towards Mabel’s sister Josie, who had graciously lend her 2k worth Miu- Miu dress. The place screamed wealth with its exquisite marble that glimmered under the soft lights, from the magnificent Crystal chandelier illuminating the grand lobby. There were also lush and comfortable looking chairs and couches spread out, for visitors such as herself she supposed.

      What more? The apartment building had a door attendant and a concierge service. Although she lived in a reasonably expensive apartment building in Upper East Side, her building had neither. Candice and Claire were greeted by the pleasant woman at the receptionist, who was dressed in an immaculate three piece suite. Upon seeing them, she offered a genial smile before greeting them. Apparently, she had been expecting them and as soon as Claire confirmed their identities, the woman called their hosts to inform of their arrival. Candice felt her heart throw itself rapidly against her rib cage. The mere luxury of the place made her queasy and gave her a strong sense that she didn’t belong here.

      Candice didn’t know how long they had waited when finally a figure she recognised from the many pictures emerged from the elevators. Maggie Gyllenhaal looked suave in a Black and Nude embellished jumpsuit. Her short hair was parted at the side and styled elegantly. Candice stood behind Claire and watched her walk in their direction. She had not seen them yet, but then Claire raised her hand and waved at her, drawing her attention towards them.

      Maggie’s eyes first fell on the overtly excited petite woman who was shifting her weight from one feet to other as she waved at her. She smiled at her politely and strode towards her while her eyes looked beyond her in search of the other woman. When her gaze caught the tall blonde her smile and steps both faltered as she felt her breath catch in her throat.

“Hi... I am Claire. Candice’s agent.”, the petite woman said, extending her hand when Maggie reached them. Maggie greeted back politely but she couldn’t take her eyes off Candice.

“You must be Candice. Nice to meet you.”, Maggie took Candice’s hand in hers and gave it a firm shake.

“Nice to meet you too.”, Candice blushed under her scrutiny. Maggie found herself melt a little at the smooth voice. She could most definitely listen to that voice all day.

      With the formal greetings over, she led them towards the elevator but not before thanking the concierge at the desk.

“It feels really good to finally have a face to the name I have been listening to the past few weeks. Mom hasn’t been able to stop talking about you. She really adores your work and most certainly you too.”, Maggie complimented as they stepped into the elevator. Maggie watched the blonde’s fair cheeks turn crimson as she looked down smiling and mumbled a thanks. Normally, when girls did that it would make her roll her eyes but for some reason she found this little reaction endearing in Candice. Probably because she could sense that it wasn’t fake but a natural reaction for Candice.

“Did she tell you that she made me read the book? No offence but the book was slow in the beginning but she kept nagging me to finish it and I must say Candice, the ending was so unexpected. I liked it at the end.”, the crimson on her cheeks turned darker and Maggie smiled broadly.

“I am a fan of yours Maggie but I must say I adore your brother more.”, Claire’s comment made Maggie laugh.

“You don’t say. Well I am sure you will change your opinion after tonight.”, Maggie winked. Her gaze travelled back towards Candice, who stood meekly behind Claire, and thought about what Jake had previously suspected. Her mother sure did play this well. She bet that not even Jake with all his insecurities would be able to resist such a beauty. Now she couldn’t wait to see his reaction.

      Candice smiled but focused on the door opening into a decorated foyer. She stepped after Claire who followed Maggie and as they turned around the corner of the tiny foyer she realised that the elevator had brought them directly into the apartment. Her eyes roved around the enormous pent house with an open floor plan giving it a much larger appearance. It looked like a sitting room cum kitchen cum dining area with minimalistic yet modern furnishings.

“Here, let me take your coat off your hand.”, Maggie took the caramel coloured coat that Candice took off from her hand and laid it on the lone arm chair. With nothing to hold on to Candice felt vulnerable in the large apartment. That the people were strangers to her didn’t help her blooming unease.

“Candice! Good evening. My, my! You look so... Gorgeous.”, Naomi’s familiar voice boomed as she pulled Candice in for a tight hug. This time Candice had expected it and so returned it a little less awkwardly than the previous day. In a shimmering poncho top and a pair of loosely fitted cotton pants Naomi cut a leisurely look. Being Hollywood royalty and all Candice had this image in her head where she imagined them to be dressed crisply in expensive clothes. Instead, both Naomi and Maggie were dressed casually yet elegantly and that helped Candice feel a bit comfortable. They weren’t pretentious people, she decided.

      When she finally pulled away she came to face another man, whom she didn’t recognise and a visibly shocked Jake. However, when their gaze met, Jake carefully schooled his features and his intense blue eyes rapidly filled with..... Anger?

“Candice I would like you to meet my son, Jake...”, Candice wiped her sweaty palm against her dress before extending her hand to greet. Jake lifted his hand slowly to meet hers and when his large rough hand wrapped around her smooth one she felt a slight shiver run through her body causing the hair on her body rise. She brought her molars down hard on her lower lip in an attempt to try and compose herself. Jake had an intense gaze and under it she felt exposed. Also she couldn’t overlook the fact about how good he looked. Closer she could see how well built he was and how well his white dress shirt moulded around his ripped arms.

“And this is his business partner Paul Wheelan. Paul and Jake had recently started a production company together.”, Naomi continued as she pointed out to the lean man standing beside Jake with a stunned expression on his face.

      Candice reluctantly shook hands with Paul, feeling very uncomfortable as his eyes raked her body before settling on her chest. She heard someone clear their throat and looked up to find Jake glaring at Paul who promptly let go of her hand after noticing Jake.

      When Claire was introduced, she had a fan- girl moment with Jake. She gushed about her love for his latest movie, that Candice had no clue about, and how much more handsome he looked up close in person. Candice watched him take these compliments gracefully. After that they were ushered towards the sitting area. Candice took a seat on the cream leather couch next to Claire while Jake took his place in the grey striped arm chair right opposite to Candice. Maggie and Naomi sat on either side of Jake while Paul took the chaise lounge chair.

      No sooner had they settled in, Naomi made the announcement that she had decided to adapt ‘Love Knows no Bounds’, something Candice already knew deep down in her heart. Naomi broke open the Champagne and gave a toast. All the while Jake kept studying Candice as discreetly as he could.

      Candice squirmed through the small talk that Claire engaged in with the others. She was really glad for her agent who took charge of the conversation. Had she been alone here, it would have been one hell of a lousy exchange. Now that she was seated she wondered why Jake was angry with her. Slowly she peeked at him from under her lashes and found him staring at her. He appeared stoic but behind that astute gaze she sensed some amount of animosity which left her confused.

      After some more talk about weather and other mundane topics they shifted to the dining table where Naomi and Maggie bustled to lay the elaborate meal Naomi had prepared. Candice wasn’t hungry per say but she was glad to have something to occupy her from worrying about Jake’s constant calculative gaze and Paul’s obvious leering. She ran a hand over the corner of the table, admiring the beauty. She didn’t need to be told that this table must have cost a fortune. It was a rare wood. She looked up and found Jake talking to Claire but he was still staring at her, seemingly following her every action.

“The food we will be serving tonight, I prepared each one of them. I hope you two like it.”, Naomi said, setting a plate of crispy potato skins filled with something that Candice was yet to figure out. She felt slightly guilty too at Naomi’s comment. Ever since the day had begun, she had just wanted this night to come and go, so she could get over the dinner, but she could see how much effort Naomi had put in towards this evening as a whole. Candice felt how wrong her attitude towards the evening was and chastised herself. Then and there she made a decision to enjoy the dinner no matter how she was feeling at that moment.