#this feels almost like a suicide attempt
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Just watched all of candle obscura circle of needle and thread because I think brennan Lee mulligan is cool
actual point of the post under read more bcuz I was typing and then realized oh no this is getting a bit long
I have to say I genuinely believe Sean thought that Marion was going to survive the encounter w/ the mother, like first of all because of Brennan playing Sean w/ that one convo of like "Hey remember u r valuable inherently and ur amazing and I love u and I been to make sure u put urself first if anything happens" (and oooooh God I'm just realizing he didn't, did he? Sean wanted Marion to put himself first so he could survive this horrid horrid thing, and he was this close, but only because he didn't put himself first did he die ok ok cries) trying to ensure that Marion wouldn't mess around and would get himself out of danger if need be and also because he put his mom in Marion's house, and like Marion said he doesn't have anyone to go home to, he told ppl that's where his mom was its not like he was trying to hide her at Marion's house, and u don't put someone u love who's just been in a horrible place in a house that no one's going to discover her in, especially if u think ur not surviving, I think Sean put her there bcuz he thought Marion would come back and help take care of her cause Marion is a good guy (unlike he thinks he is), also I don't think Sean particularly likes the creature that he strikes a deal with, because we see him say that he was upset at what he thought was Kingsley earlier for being like I get how u feel I had a sister that passed and wanting to kill him for that but that was all the monster, and the monster continues on like that!!! It's whole thing with Sean is "we are the same, help me with my stuff I help u with urs" even in the last battle after he's made the deal tho, he isn't actually trying to help the monster, sure he brings Marion there but he doesn't sacrifice him to the mother, he goes after Jean! Who is not involved with it at all, and then he slinks off into the shadows, to not do like anything until auntie Bea comes to him!! He dies and he's happy and he sees his ma, and mentions not being a gardener and the world not needing him, but Marion is a gardener, I can't imagine Sean being happy with Marion being taken out of the world, because Marion makes it better, in the end Sean is just concerned with keeping his end of the deal, not the monsters goals, probably just to make sure his moms safe!!!
#candela obscura#circle of needle and thread#sean finnerty#additional thoughts in the tags:#I think if sean had cared about his life more he would have been less likely to work with the monster#not only because the monster is dangerous literally shot him but also because like said above i dont think he thought it was going to win#(which it didnt)#this feels almost like a suicide attempt#Like yes it was about his mom#but also he would have stayed fighting squid dogs until he died if LT hadnt called him up#but also marion asks if sean will be there for him (if sean will be alive to be there for him) and seans response is you have auntie bea#he thinks he makes the world worse#maybe he could have told the monster no and fought it#maybe he was scared he would win#but 4 against 1? 4 people he knows r skilled?#theres no fear in that#and he gets to make sure marion is okay#up until his last moment#plus his ma wont see him commit more murder#and like the monster validates his feelings of already being a monster!!!!#Healing is hard its really hard#its walking up a flight of stairs that are too tall and too steep and you cant see the end#the monster gave him a slippery slope into being and feeling terrible#of being a soldier again eithout having to think#and he took it#and he died in battle just like his brothers#hmmm apparently tumblr posts can only have thirty tags#was gonna put something more in here but guess itll be its own post now
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so with echoes of wisdom .. i havent watched any of the trailers beyond the very first one and the thumbnails/screenshots and what others have said about it-
but with the world inside the rift being called "Welt des Nichts" aka "world of nothing/void" in german ('still' in english, for some reason) and demises title in french being "avatar of nothing" ... yeah my anxiety is shooting through the roof again
(hopefully you can be a little more forgiving for me being anxious/weird about it bc demise is my blorbo)
i had similar worries with totk, that werent proven true thankfully, but the darn book is making it all worse again with all those weird lore things the game doesnt even so much as hint at AND potential retcons- im in for a really rough time huh, not just stress in real life (more in tags.. its alot) but now about my specific hyperfixation from two things even (AND artblock still..)
weird as it may sound, i dont want demise to get more lore, partly bc i dont believe theyd do anything with him that i would like (given their track record) but much more importantly- the fact that he has this little lore about him is precisely one of the reasons why i fell in love with him, i tend to like characters that are neglected by the narrative, and his story being both so flat and already done meant i can be very creative with what i come up with for him without necessarily contradicting anything in canon (which is ... or was a big point of how i wrote destiny's story and lore, working with canon in a way that reframes it all without straight up ignoring it ... but i suppose i urgently need to let go of that and accept i spend alot of time working things that will go to waste :( ) AND not having to worry that there will be more stuff with him that would massively change not only what im writing but also potentially how i feel about him since the game he was briefly in was the oldest chronologically and ended with his death- i didnt expect them to mess with anything that far back and thought theyd just go forward and leave the timeline behind and wouldnt mess with it again, given how botw seemed to be a sort of 'fresh start' that seemingly regarded the past as the past that needs to rest and that the timeline was finally no longer a discussion if everythings unified through botw and one thing going forward
but i suppose i was very wrong with that .__.
right now the only thing that motivates me still is the left over determination and spite to work on my zelda comic, since i have never gotten this far and really want to get something done for once, but i cant lie that im feeling like i should pause all work on it too to wait and see waht the book and the new game will do .. either to determine if i still have the will to keep working on it after those things are out (my love for tloz has been taking alot of hits lately ..) or if i have to change stuff (mostly bc of my lore problem trying to not ignore it ..)
#ganondoodles talks#zelda#ganondoodles rants#sorta#suicide attempt mention in the IRL stuff im talking about in the following tags btw#theres some construction stuff on our house going on#and my father is extremely stressed about it#he used to be very explosive- being silent and then exploding out of nowhere .. probably left me with lasting damage yippie-#but now he much more lets it eat at himself bc hes old and feels bad for the past stuff so now it makes him irritated and depressed#my older brother is the most normal cis straight guy you can imagine and incredibly impatient and bossy (you CANNOT talk with him)#(brother doesnt live in our house)#and while hes helping out hes doing it exactly how my father doesnt like and since you cant talk to the guy (explosive +200) it stresses hi#to the point of my father yesterday saying that “it would have been better if i had just died back in the day”#likely referring to the time when he was drafted for the military against his will and tried to kill himself#which i learned only like .. a year ago- theres so little my parents tell me ....#its like my mother telling me- while my father was in hospital for heart surgery- that she not only almost died back when i was a young tee#and only survived bc of some incredibly unebelievable lucky coincidences (medics on a travel being there that knew what she had-#-while our local doctors said welp- nothing we can do lady AND them beign there with a helicopter and emergency transferring her#to antoher bigger hospital while giving her immediate treatment our local one didnt do- AND at the big one just so happened to have-#-an expert on that illness in the facility when she arrived who was able to narrrowly save her life#BUT ALSO while she was recovering and weak and frail as a dust bunny witnessing someone stealing hospital surplies-#not noticing she was in the room at first (which .. the nurses left her in the nurse room while going on break ... which uhm .. yeah cool)#and if my mother hadnt acted in time like she was fully asleep and the lady stealing stuff beign in hurry- she might have killed her#without my mother being able to fight back bc she could barely even talk (the nurses didnt want to believe her when they got back either)#ANYWAY that comment from my father brough me to tears#and my mom is trying out more ... other medication shes not prescribed in hopes of it helping agaisnt her many pains#but i worry it will interact with the other stuff shes on ...#and i worry so much about both of their mental and physical well being#always trying to be the one to calm them down or help with communication bc that is a big problem in this houesehold#but i myself am also a very much not normal and not medicated shut in who has trouble dealing even with my own feelings
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Mmm having another like venting in my head but knowing the second im done venting im gonna be like you didnt mean that tho moment
#its just hhhh I was not in the mood for other people today and my friend came over and took most of my day away and like… oh maybe there is#such a thing as relying too much on people and its this friend like rrrrr the i didnt mean that is because no people need to talk about thin#gs it’s healthy I dont want people to think theyre bad for taking my time its just that I wasnt feeling it for most of today I needed to be#by myself and like enjoy my games by myself and I attempted to make that known and i dont think they got the hint#and just hhh stop trying to bring up your problems right now this is my time to play a game I really wanna enjoy and i dont think im enjoyin#it as much as I could if I played it first by myself and I didnt say that directly so no way they could know and I will finish it on my own#hopefully if i have time cause thats it I dont have enough time for myself I need me time#and also my friend Needs to stop making suicide jokes. thats it thats the main one. like dude im having fun how do i respond to the reminder#that my friend doesn’t want to live#and going back attempting to bring up a problem while im gaming. I could of answered their question better but i was in such a mood that it#was like okay im gonna dismiss you and I dont want to dismiss struggling people no thats not who i want to be i want to help#… I hate it when I cant help so much#vent#I swear the timing of this to be when a certain someone went to bed was purely coincidence its just that I got back from friend hang rn#tw suicide mention#why is it when im in a mood I just sorta hate some of my friends like i was getting annoyed at them taking my drinks/snacks when usually im#like oh yeah go for it#is it oh youre in a mood you get the opposite of your usual love your friends with your entire heart or is it that like deep down I think th#ey take more than they give back. I have before almost said that I feel like I help their issues but they dismiss mine but then i got distra#cted by them essentially helping with it but like im not even sure if that was in response to me saying im lonely#also okay at one point they thanked me it was the bit where they said im their reason to live and then immediately asked if they could come#over and its like. well okay i feel like I have no choice here#and yesterday they mentioned oh i think I might take up too much of your time or something and like im too nice to tell you yeah sometimes#but it is to note i didn’t outright say no you dont I always love spending time with you or something i said oh i tell you if i really cant#due to homework. I am not made to be immediately busy immediately after i finish school I need time for myself#and im sorry you don’t have things to do on sat-wed but I have work I need to do cause there’s always so much work so at least thanks for#letting me have that time#… I love them I want to see them get better… so i wont say this to them
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love is truly the dumb fuck juice of all time because a man can literally tell you 'i have violent thoughts of harming you' and your ass will be twirling hair and kicking feet like 'but would we kiss after that or?' like
#life#nothing recent lmao just been thinking about my younger self#and how utterly in love i was with someone who didn't have their best intentions with my goofy ass#and i was EATING. IT. ALL. UP.#like sure i was in the absolute depths of depression and ping ponged from one suicidal thought to another#and at times those feelings were about the only thing keeping me from jumping off the 16th floor of my dorm building#but then again when he abandoned me like a wet dog on the side of the road#i uh.. almost killed myself yaknow.. maybe it was NOT worth it in the long run lmao#i lived bitch.jpg#but yeah nah just looking back at all that in retrospect and it's truly truly wild as shit how utterly in love my ass was#talking about that suicidio attempt i actually ended up writing about it because it was almost comical how i survived#when your darkest demons crawl out of the shower drain to roast you into living mi amore <3#it helped me process the whole thing when i was in a much better place mentally#and i read it to my writing group with a bunch of people different ages different walks of life it was a great experience#suicide mention cw
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Gonna b honest. I kinda preferred being actively and pressingly suicidal to whatever the fuck I've got going on now. At least then I knew what I could do to keep myself reasonably safe. Whether I'd do it is another question entirely but at least it was cut-and-dry and made sense. Idek what my brain is doing atp, much less what it needs from me
#like. I think this is mostly the same as I felt before starting the antibiotics but like. kinda worse?#like I don't wanna die I'm just tired of being alive. I wanna make myself live but suffer almost#and it's like. I don't Really want that. but my brain thinks I do and idk how to deal with that#I thought I did bcuz I've been dealing with it literally my entire life but it's like. it feels Different now somehow?#like it feels like now that I know I'm capable of doing it. I almost don't trust my brain to stay in the passive mode?#like im reading too far into my 'normal' thoughts/feelings.#which doesn't entirely make sense bcuz I have 'attempted' in the past. but I didn't actually Do anything ig. just prepared it but didn't do#idk. idk how I'm feeling or what's going on or which meds if any are doing this and I don't like it and I want it to stop#or at least go back to being active abt it so I can say hey listen I'm gonna do this pls take the dangerous stuff away for a bit or smth#idfk man I'm just so fucking sick of my brain. I hate everything it seems to be doing lately. it can't fucking work or cooperate or anything#I'm trying to be nice to my brain since I know there's a lot going on with it but it's like. brother. can you help me out here At All.#armchair speaks#suicide mention#tw suicide mention
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thinking about how the people around me, particularly people i dont know anymore, impacted my fantasy setting. the raccoon people i added because of a friend who wanted to be a raccoon. goblins existing in the way that they do because of someone i still know who really likes a specific kind of goblin, and made me like them too. even minor things, like deciding that a character's eyes were gray because the person i was talking to also had gray eyes. there"s definitely a lot of me in there, but there's still little bits and pieces of others in there too
#a pretty significant plot point for one of my characters is heavily inspired by stuff my mom dealt with#i really hope i can properly convey the gravity of the topic. particularly with tact due to how poorly i've seen it handled#in my writing i try to approach any topic with the baseline amount of empathy that people deserve. i feel *a lot*.#i sincerely hope it comes through that i care so much about so much#a particularly hurtful exchange i recently had was me casually saying that i care about a lot of things and my grandpa almost accusitorily#asked “like what”#i'm generally pretty open about what's on my mind. i try to connect with people time and time again and so often do i get nothing in return#it makes it hard to go on. sometimes.#one day. i hope i'll meet someone who cares as much as i do. cares about me as much as i care about them.#if i meet even one it'll have all been worth it.#part of me feels like saying “i can't bear to live like this anymore”. but i can. and i have. i can bare a lot actually#i don't think i'd be alive if i couldn't#there's a lot wrong in the world right now. i can't bear to watch most of it. this of course makes me feel even more guilty#at the very least i've made a habit of clicking the arab dot org buttons daily. i can't handle watching but i can at least help.#in a small way. that is.#i definitely feel like i needed to get that out of my system. rambling is what i do. after all#i feel like i have an abnormally strong will to live. i remember coming very close to a suicide attempt once. the razor actually cut into my#wrist just a little bit. i very much wanted to die at that point. on an emotional level#but i just couldn't do it. i need to live. i just need to. it'll have all been worth it. eventually.#eventually.
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These were both taken around this time in March 2014, during probably the worst of my disordered eating and college era self harm, between my first and second almost* suicide attempts. This was maybe five pounds above my lowest weight as an adult (which was like 145 I wanna say), and I still obsessively thought I was overweight, or god forbid FAT. (I now weigh ~250 pounds and am actually fat now and also reclaim the word for myself etc etc.) However, looking at these pictures, I think I looked underweight for my height and my frame. I wasn't in danger or anything, and maybe this is hindsight talking, but that version of me looked unhealthy for my body. I hated everything about that body and fantasized about drastic, deadly ways to make it smaller.
I struggle with being fat and feeling neutral if not positive about it on a daily basis. But I don't get dizzy and shaky and start hurting from restricting and exercise in tandem anymore. I came across these pictures by chance looking for something else in my files, and seeing my own untreated depression and misery and bodily harm reflected back at me is weirdly affirming. I didn't plan to be alive, fat, unable to pinpoint the last time I hurt myself or barely ate for two days, and six months from turning 30. I'm all of those things now, and most days it feels pretty damn good.
#*i say almost bc I had like 50 pills in my hand both times but didn't take them. i've never known how exactly to label it#saying an attempt feels like lying or hyperbole. so i guess almost attempt#cw self harm#cw suicide#cw disorder eating#that's probably all of em idk#ann with an ie#word vomit therapy vomit!! get your oversharing here!#god how did i survive being a freshman in college and being 19?#i think it's all in my hands and (not visible) collarbone - they're so BONY compared to every other time in my life#my hands and fingers never carry all that much fat (bulk?) as it is. so the boniness is SO apparent#i remember losing enough weight in my fingers that several rings were suddenly loose on me#i was so happy about that instead of. yknow. concerned
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i don’t care if it’s cringe, the 30th by billie eilish is about soukoku
#bungou stray dogs#soukoku#chuuya nakahara#osamu dazai#i imagine specifically chuuya’s reaction to dazai’s suicide attempts#idk i think she perfectly captured what it feels like when someone you care about almost dies#the slow evolution from thats weird to it can’t be that to oh god please no#anywyas ^-^
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2023 reads / storygraph
Natural Outlaws and Fractured Sovereignty
NA darkish fantasy
A thief and her friend who steal from the rich to save her dying father are caught, and offered a deal by the Governor for her father’s life and their freedom, if they travel to another country to steal from the royal treasury
she has to impersonate a noble lady and compete to become the arrogant king’s new spouse, staying in the competition long enough to figure out a way to pull off their heist, with her friends as undercover servants and the Governor’s assassin watching over her as a handmaiden
Aro bi MC & he/they nonbinary MC who become a QPR, lesbian and ace trans man SCs
#Natural Outlaws and Fractured Sovereignty#aroaessidhe 2023 reads#Overall I enjoyed this!#It’s very much like. typical fake royalty/heist/competition YA-NA kind of narrative BUT without romance which honestly I can get behind#It’s a bit messy in places - especially the start and end where it’s not within the main fake-royalty-heist plot#It very much starts with an almost suicide attempt and she talks him down and then they’re friends and thieving together#It’s not quite apparent how long has passed until later when it mentions they’ve been friends for two years#I think it would have been much better to just start in the present and then flashback to that scene at some other point.#Also the POVs are quite inconsistent - she has most of the POV he just has one every now and then when it’s plot relevant#Which makes starting the book on his POV feel odd.#It definitely skips over action or pivotal moments like. a lot. like most of what should be the most pivotal action scenes lol#(If you’re looking for a heist in here most of the plot is faking royalty & gathering info but the Actual Heist is pretty much off page)#I feel like i could have had some more worldbuilding and about some of the side characters#the qpr is a bit show not tell. but also basically what you expect from the central relationship of this kind of book if it were a romance#BUT yeah overall I did enjoy this - and as I said I do appreciate This Sort Of Story But It Doesn’t Have Romance a lot!#And an aromantic MC! I think I didn’t have the highest expectations for this but I ended up having a good time.
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#miles thots#i posted that tiktok bc it reminded me to start doing it again#i used that technique since i was 13-14 when i would constantly fill my time with things to look forward to even if i wasn’t feeling bad at#the time bc i knew it could just happen and if i didn’t have something then.. that was it#it used to be like school concerts. trips. my favorite shows#then once i got a job and friends i started making actual plans so i’d always have something to do and if it ever got bad enough i’d just go#‘not yet- that person would be annoyed if you missed this’ or ‘no they need you at work’#and every time one event was coming close i made sure to have a new one ready#eventually i started forgetting to set new stuff and it perfectly lined up with my last attempt and at the hospital they told me to try this#method that quite honestly i thought i was so original when i started it#anyways. that video reminded me to start picking things to look forward to again bc without that i wouldn’t have made it past 16 and i sure#as shit won’t be dying before i turn 22#tw suicide#<almost forgot oops
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penelope scott is like if sad venty music was good
#emyrs.txt#LMFAO#personally cannot stand artists who make sad venty songs but the only emotion they sing in is. sad.#whereas. i feel like penelope is v good at conveying the rage and desperation that oftentimes comes w feeling sad. if that makes sense#like. personally my favorite songs ever from her are montreal and feel better/moonsickness (<- depends on the day)#and montreal is. a very venty self deprecating song that's like. almost desperate in its attempts to convince you that This (whatever 'this'#is.) was inevitable (suicide/falling out/breaking up/etcetc)#whereas feel better is more about anger and self sabotage as a form of revenge/coping with the loss of a relationship#and moonsickness is more about like. frustration and rage and the inevitably of It All (both man made ie. societal pressures/trends/politics#and natural ie. death/tides/nature in general)#anyways i love penelope scott's music so much it's so overproduced and like. conveys so much negative emotions but in a way that is fun#instead of Oh No this is going to make me spiral.#(the overproduced thing is a compliment btw.)#does literally any of this make sense. LMFAO
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#forgive me for trauma dumping but i feel the need to put this somewhere (tw suicide ment)#i’m getting back into drawing and it’s a huge milestone for me because i stopped about two and a half years ago due to the fact that i was#actively considering suicide (i actually almost attempted) and nothing really made any sense or brought me any sort of joy so i just stoppe#doing anything. and i’ve been well for quite a while but never well enough to pick up my old hobbies until now. so like. huge yay#recently i’ve been knitting and drawing and writing. three things that actually make me happy like real happy not just quick happy#i’m so proud of myself for coming this far. i love where i am#personal#posts from midnight
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#so my birthday is coming up#and its just got me thinking again about how like#every day im older than i ever thought i was gunna be#thinking about how its been almost ten years since my first attempt and about two or three months since my last#about how i never thought my life would end up like this#in a good way#even though i feel like i may never stop feeling suicidal and im always gunna be fighting against myself#im happy im still here#im happy i made it this far#im happy im still trying
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So much work to do but im actually doing it which scares me more than the fact i have work to do and u can tell bc i keep fucking posting like this
#laid out all my sketches i needed.. updated my carrd projects list... finalized art piece.. sketched concept.. studied from art book#fucking insane. insane. so scary so scary.#like idk it is so weird i think being depressed mustve made my adhd so much worse ?? i couldve never done this before#everything is still hard and i have to genuinely push and will myself to even attempt working on anything but like#i have enough will to win and start ? i dont lose my focus as much when im in it and if i do i know to take a break bc im understimulated?#i still forget basic things and to do things a lot but i dont catastrophize about it as much i get upset and then just fix it..#its so weird did i just fucking learn to self regulate??? is that what i was missing this whole time ???????#u get punished for like lacking focus and self regulation and have a defeatist mindset bc doing anything = punishment#but then you break through that fear and just throw yourself in and make yourself do things and u can work WITH the adhd????#my parents fucking scammed me bro imagine if i had been raised and like helped instead of called worthless for everytime i fuck up#WHY DO I HAVE TO LEARN THIS AT ALMOST 19. STUPID STUPID STUPID#even my old therapists.. oh you have adhd maybe if you just change your diet you will function WOWWW SOOO HELPFUL#HOW DOES THAT HELP ME LEARN TO BE AWARE OF MY SELF AND NEEDS AND REGULATE THEM TO WORK WITH MY MENTAL HANDICAPS HUH. QUICKLY#stupid... i hate every adult in the world you are all useless and do nothing <- is an adult#its so crazy 2 me to function even a little... i guess i learned easily finally bc i self analyze way too much sometimes#but like i genuinely for years predicted id just like. go right back to being majorly suicidal or something in college#bc i could barely handle highschool or getting assignments done#now im meeting deadlines on the reg... like idk. i think it is such a rare and strange and kind of sick feeling#to know like young you would look at you and be surprised or shocked . and its so sad bc like idk.#its like oh i never believed in myself huh. or believed i could have a place in the world and function and be alright#and then u have to grieve all the time you spent never trying bc u didnt think trying without failing was possible like what the hell!!!#crazy...#the gamer speaks uwu
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#Had a suicide attempt last month#Think my 3rd in 3 years#But im finally getting medicated with things that help#I came really really close this time#But it feels like im making real progress this time#I got time off to rest and recuperate#I just want to stay on a good path with this#Im anxious about being back at work but I try to remind myself there's nothing I cannot do#I'm making a little extra money doing nails for people. That feels really good to create beauty for people they can take with them#I've never felt like I could have an artistic career before but it feels really doable now#I think im finally healing from my lowest back in 2020/2021 and making progress unlike my other attempts at therapy/medication#It did really take almost dying to get better and for my family to take my mental health seriously#I wish I could reach out and talk to you sometimes. But I think its for the best that I don't#I'm learning there are just some people who are okay to love from afar and no closer#Idk if it'll ever really heal totally even if it was nearly abusive at the end and definitely manipulative#But I don't feel torn in half anymore#Or like I deserved the punishment and ridicule#Or earned the disrespect#I will not ever let myself feel like that again#And I'm finally learning what that feels like with my new meds- finally have a life vest in a sea of depression#From a lifetime of fucked stuff#Things are still hard dont get me wrong#But its nice to see a light for the first time#Also prozac fucking sucks im so glad it works for some people but I am loving lexapro and am glad to be rid of the fucking brain zaps#ok to like
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it's so disheartening to have every single one of your friends (irl) completely ignore you when you reach out for help. and yes, i know how hard it can be to know what to say when a friend or someone you know is suicidal so a lot of people end up not saying anything because they don't want to say the wrong thing but how hard is it to tell your friend that you care about them and that you love them. how hard is it to tell them to hold on for just one more day.
#tw suicide#tw suicidal ideation#like i am currently bawling my eyes out and it is taking every fibre of my being to not make an attempt on my life#and yeah it may be almost 1am but i reached out to people like pver 6-7 hours ago#i am so upset and i'm crying so much that i feel physically ill#these dark thoughts will not leave my head and it's terrifying
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