#this dude is like politically radioactive

[13thpythagoras]

could a tax-exempt pastor make a more politically charged series of anti-trans GOP-sympathizing comments while attempting to officially represent their tax-exempt church?

How can this pastor bash the “left” and then argue he hasn’t just endorsed every single right-leaning political candidate in his home state of Mississippi? 

Here is the link to report a church for political activity soas to remove their tax exempt status, please join me in reporting pastor Christopher G. Sykes for fraudulent political activity; please note his church website link will try to install malware if you click it. Please report this LGBTQ+ hating fraudulent criminal asshole with me and put his way of life out of business. 

[whentherewerebicycles]

a complete list of things women can do in the universe of christopher nolan's oppenheimer

be sultry and depressed

correct oppenheimer for misquoting marx

be one-upped by oppenheimer because actually he read das kapital in the original german. sorry you're so dumb lol

tell oppenheimer he needs to get laid

refuse to believe he can read sanskrit

challenge him to read sanksrit during sex

seem unimpressed by him reading sanskrit during sex

sit in a class with a bunch of physics dudes

tell oppenheimer you're too silly and ordinary to understand quantum physics but could he explain it to you in very small words

drink martinis

be married many times, but nobody gets you like oppenheimer

drink more martinis

ride horses in the desert

cheat on your husband with oppenheimer. nobody gets you like oppenheimer

babytrap oppenheimer

have psychological problems

have an affair with oppenheimer

cast a sulky, baleful gaze at oppenheimer's wife while having sex with oppenheimer in an interrogation room in a scene so hilariously bad i had to excuse myself from the theater to laugh and write down a funny note about it to myself on my phone

get drunk in the dark while the baby screams

ask your husband (oppenheimer) to get rid of the baby. just take him somewhere. just give him to someone else

yell at oppenheimer for putting country over pussy. who does this great man think he is

ask where the martinis are

tell oppenheimer that nobody else can do this nobody else in this whole wild world he is the Only Man for the Moment. hype him up girl he’s gotta build that bomb

move to the middle of nowhere for your husband's job

point out that none of the men thought to add a kitchen to the houses they built. a woman needs a kitchen

be pregnant

type

kill yourself

have another martini

damage your reproductive organs by handling radioactive material

put up the sheets

bring in the sheets

wreck oppenheimer's career by being a communist

throw a glass at a wall and scream because your idiot husband oppenheimer won't admit that his boss shanked him politically

snark at the guy interrogating your husband but in a kind of confusing way that achieves nothing. you did your absolute best with that scene emily you were not given much to work with i do not lay the blame at your door

not shake a man's hand

it's happy hour somewhere girl. treat yourself to a martini

[odinsblog]

Tankies be tripping like a mf

Sometimes I see tankies posting their usual bullshit and I’m just endlessly smh hard enough to cause myself brain damage

I could, if I wanted, make a dozen social media accounts across various platforms and proceed to talk as much shit about Joe Biden or Donald Trump as I want. I could do that 24/7/365, all day, every day and every night, and do nothing else but that. I mean, I could talk straight up bullshit about either of them or both of them, and their spouses and their families, and as long as I don’t make any threats against their lives, guess what would happen to me?? NOTHING. Not a goddamn thing

I know this for a fact because I’ve done it (talk shit about them, not make troll accounts), and I see people do it every fucking day

Meanwhile, in “glorious” communist countries™ like Russia or China or North Korea, if anyone dares to publicly say anything even slightly unflattering about those country’s leaders, they will be punished, arrested, jailed, disappeared or murdered. And God forbid if you’re an actual journalist or dissident or a political activist trying to speak out against Putin, or Kim Jong Un, or Xi Jinping — your corpse will never be found (except maybe for Russia, where you would either “accidentally” fall out of a window, or “accidentally” ingest a rare but deadly radioactive material) ☢️ 🙃

Look, this isn’t me going, “America is soooo great and everywhere else sucks,” because as a Black man living in America, I’m well aware of how thoroughly anti Blackness is weaved into our society, and as someone who has LGBTQ loved ones, I am also aware of how homophobia and transphobia are also woven into American culture. So no, America was never great. But anti Blackness, homophobia, and transphobia exist everyfuckingwhere. And yes, that most definitely includes the tankie fantasyland utopias of Russia, China and North Korea

Anyway, I’m just blowing off some online steam because every time I see a tankie profess how communism™ will make everything equal and just sO much better, and how Russia, China and North fucking Korea! are heavens for love peace + equality, every fucking time I see that BULLSHIT on tumblrdotcom I wanna pull my teeth out with a rusty pair of pliers 🤬

I just do not get it

Only tankies could look at murderous dictatorial authoritarian regimes and go, yeah that seems much better

LOL, I could almost overlook Russia and China, but when I see tankies defending N. Korea?? I’m like, that mf is farther gone than the Voyager space probes

SN: I know that despite their political party names, Russia and China aren’t really “communist” countries, but I often wonder if tankies understand that fact

And please don’t get me started on the allegedly “pro-Black” tankies who stayed on mute about Brittney Griner, because I guess saying anything would have made Putin look bad 😒

I mean don’t get me wrong, I dO understand that capitalism has utterly failed people so thoroughly and so fucking completely that literally anything else might seem preferable by comparison, but ☭ ain’t it, fam

To be crystal clear: I hate capitalism as much as the next compassionate human being and I know capitalism ain’t it, but neither is communism, sorry

I genuinely do believe that a better world is possible, but seeing people (surprise - disproportionately white dudes) constantly blathering on and on about how good Russia is, makes me feel like 🤮

[doccywhomst]

BELTEMPEST REVIEW (EDA #17)

a pretty (bad) book. 1.5/10 for doing my boy dirty.

i don’t usually rate anything this low, but many confounding negative variables really fouled up the plot and characters for me. if you read more, beware: there will be excerpts and major spoilers.

here’s my general perspective: this is the dr who christian sonic the hedgehog fanfiction. it has so many buckwild scenes (like the doctor building a forcefield device that protects a spaceship that crashed on an island from a huge tsunami, and subsequently surfing the tsunami literally to the white house oval office window and having a conversation with the president), and the plot is one giant jesus metaphor that starts nowhere and goes nowhere! so if that’s your thing, you’ll love it.

however…. imo, the doctor is extremely obnoxious in this one. like in war of the daleks, he goes on long pretentious rants, talks in riddles, the quips are trash, and he occasionally feels more like seven (probably bc jim mortimore wrote 4 VNAs - it really surprised me how bad this book was, i’d never have guessed that jim also wrote “the natural history of fear” audio). here’s an example:

he’s like this from the very first scene (p.14):

i know the doctor is kind of a clown sometimes but this dude is a whole court jester, with bells on. it’s too much for me. he talks in amusing little circles, which might be interesting as a one-off in a much better novel, but becomes a dragging constant in this one. i also hate how he constantly talks down to people like a smartass caricature.

here’s some dialogue that i did enjoy, because it felt shockingly substantial (almost out of place), and expands on a scene from scarlet empress:

that was on page 93. the only part i really liked.

the plot orbits around the turbulent sun Bel as it begins to expand, scorching and destroying many of its 22 inhabited planets. ever since the peoples of Bellannia II, IV, XIII, etc. developed space travel, they’ve been dumping their radioactive and toxic waste onto a dead little world, which falls into the sun; little did the Bellannians know, a giant alien embryo was incubating in Bel’s warmth, and their pollution threatens to kill it. dun-dun-dun!

it’s kill the moon. it’s just 249-page kill the moon, but now with a melodramatic Rapture subplot.

right…. okay. just read this:

she ate 💅✨

anyway. millions if not billions of Bellannians are killed as the sun consumes or breaks apart their planets, and some of them turn to a traditional religion that encourages suicide (achieving an “Endless State” through eating poisoned wafers), but many of them are Actually Saved™️ by a little guy you might have heard of called…… Saketh.

the plot was kinda convoluted but essentially he was burned to death but came back, and now anyone who consumes his flesh will live forever (from what i gather, they die but they’re in suspended animation purgatorycore? and they’ll be brought back to life later? but the book ends abruptly and doesn’t explain much.)

i obviously hated it. i really wanted to try to like it, but i couldn’t take it seriously. jim mortimore’s style feels purpley and theatrical, but instead of erring on the side of camp, it feels like it’s meant to be genuine religious/political commentary. it’s serious like how christian sonic fanart is serious. maybe i’m just not the right audience.

the intro might be one of the most interesting sections, given how personal and anthropological it feels: it tells two versions of the deaths of two brothers, who are among the last of their people. it was pretty good, i liked it. but not really the rest.

so yeah. overall, 1.5/10. this is in my bottom three worst EDAs so far. it’s a pretty harsh rating but i’m generous when my appreciation is earned :/

[major-knighton]

HALLOW-LEE-N movie review Oct 28th : The Satanic Rites of Dracula (1973)

I skipped quite a few of the Hammer Dracula movies on account of being unable to find them. This one is the last of the movies to feature Lee, and second before last Hammer Dracula movie overall.

It's 1972, London, and strange things are going on in the basement of a house. A man wakes up on a bed, all beaten up. He kills his guard and creeps out of the house, but he is pursued by evil guys on motorbikes. He gets rescued and brought back to his headquarters (some kind of intelligence agency) and spills the tea before dying.

His bosses, Torrence and Matthews, discuss what is happening and explain it to a police guy named Inspector Murray. I believe Murray was a character in the previous film that I skipped.

Four members of high society including a Minister have been photographed leaving that strange house, where according to the dead guy's testimony was home to satanic rituals. We see those satanic rituals, featuring a bunch of shots of a naked young woman getting very excited about having blood dripped on her. Whatever.

Murray takes this problem to Lorrimer Van Helsing, a descendant, and carbon copy of the old Van Helsing. His granddaughter Jessica is also there, I am given to understand she played a major role in the previous movie as well.

One of the guys photographed at the spooky house is an old college friend of Van Helsing, so he goes to see him. The friend is a nervous wreck who ends up breaking down and confessing he's working on an accelerated radioactive plage bacillus, and he needs to be finished before the 23rd, when the Sabbath will happen.

The friend unsurprisingly gets killed by the satanic cult the same day. Meanwhile, Torrence's secretary gets kidnapped by the evil bikers and served to Dracula for a drink.

Later, Torrence, Murray and Jessica go to the house of horrors. They ask Jessica to stay behind in a Dracula-typical display of not trusting the female characters, and go ring the bell and talk to the cult leader all polite-like. Barbara Yu Ling is very fun as the cult leader BTW.

Meanwhile, Jessica sneaks into the basement and she does quite well for herself, until she finds a bunch of chained up vampire ladies, including the secretary. Is her subsequent hysterical screaming a case of 70s female character syndrome or a depiction of her trauma from nearly being drinked in the previous movie? I'll leave that to you.

The vampire ladies are defeated by turning on the sprinkler, because their fear of running water apparently applies to showers. I dread to think how the undead smell.

Van Helsing hears about a guy not showing up in photos and his Dracula alarm bells immediately start ringing. He tracks down the place where he last killed Drac to a large company building which is also funding our dead plague scientist's research. Suspicious!

Van Helsing goes up to meet the CEO who plays at putting on a Lugosi accent and hiding his face to pretend that he is Not Dracula, but a little trick with a Bible reveals that he is in fact very much Dracula. Van Helsing tries to kill him but the remaining three cult members stop him.

Van Helsing is brought to the house, where Jessica lays prepared for the sacrifice. Dracula explains that he will make Jessica his bride, and the three stooges plus Van Helsing will be infected with his radioactive super plague and carry it out to the world to end makind. Wow.

Murray sneaks in, accidentally starts a fire which conveniently destroys the plague infected dude, but Murray, Van Helsing and Jessica all make it out. Dracula seems to really enjoy chasing after Van Helsing, until the latter takes refuge near a hawthorne tree. Since Jesus's crown of thorns was made of hawthorne, it harms Dracula, who doesn't think of going around the tree instead of right through it, enough that Van Helsing can stake him with a fence picket.

Thus perishes for good the most powerful vampire of all time, bested by a bush. I definitely get why people say the Dracula series started off strong and then got gradually weirder and less coherent. Cushing and Lee were still giving it their all though, so it was still a fun ride. 6/10.

[unlicensedmortician]

bad movies with j&j: divergent part three. the final part. thank god. i never have to watch these again.

- I WAS RIGHT ABT EVELYN BEING THE NEW DICTATOR

- how much time is supposed to have passed??? that’s at least 8 months of hair growth

- i wonder if they want to kill him

- not how trials work!

- four still looks like he’s in his late 30s

- jesus christ??? dude??

- oh ok he’s fine

- thank god for peter he’s the only thing that’s making these movies watchable. guy who’s the fucking worst but at least he’s entertaining

- rip tori u were the most iconic bitch here

- hm. that looks like some form of ecological crisis

- do love a good blood river

- “this hole looks radioactive” hole you say?

- also that’s not even a little bit how radioactivity works at all

- “this is fun i’m glad we did this” cryingggg thank u for ur commmentary peter

- “someone’s coming for us 🥰” wrong tone! you are being hunted

- how are you not hitting any of them they’re running in straight lines

- huh?????????? what’s going on?????

- the future is more color coding apparently

- i feel like im having a fever dream

- at the very least tris has a cunty little bob

- jester: oftentimes what a main character girlie really needs is a cunty little bob

- we’re the good guys :) welcome to eugenics city

- also how the shit do they know who these random teenagers from the isolated city tm are

- i bet she has absolutely zero body hair

- get GLOOPED

- fist the wall hole, tris

- ok i’m sure these tattoos are a cool completely fine thing

- oh! so they have aggressively overt eugenics! great!

- right ok. and none of you are unsettled by this

- oh this is terrifying. we’ve been surveying you your whole life and you didn’t know we existed until rn :) don’t worry about it :)

- oh so those are. barcodes.

- providence?? rhode island????

- haha this is terrifying. “i’ve observed every second of your life” WHAT

- she’s the ONLY ONE.

- yeah of course tris (cis straight white skinny neurotypical) is the only genetically pure person alive. what the fuck

- oh so u can get full access to people’s memories. that’s terrifying

- sure her mother might as well have been from outside

- the tattoos indicate how damaged they are that’s so cool and great. and that also determines how much access they have. awesome.

- there’s no way this guy is a good person

- when i say this surveillance technology is scarier than any horror concept i’m being serious

- really really interesting to have a black woman defending the status quo

- if they’re the good guys why is everyone else so afraid

- also like. why wouldn’t they take adults in also? what’s the cutoff point?

- “we’re here to help” while pointing a gun at a family. what. BRO YOU JUST FUCKING SHOT HER DAD?

- what the fuck they just wipe these kids’ memories ??

- the political messaging here is confusing at best

- this is the first time i’ve been anything more than completely neutral on four

- can i blame the current lack of media literacy on this franchise or

- tris. what the fuck

- who would win: guy who stuck by you through all the absolute batshit insanity of the last two movies and was like. decent through all of it. or old guy eugenicist who says he knew your mother. the answer will shock you!

- kinda ate with tris’ costuming evoking jeanine

- who media trained her

- “we’re not taking you to chicago” four is like. sure. this might as well happen. i guess. gonna make this ship crash now

- so were they gonna execute him? i’m confused

- “this ship is the only one that can fly through the camo wall” immediately crashes it

- wait lmao is this actually rhode island

- oh wow the eugenics guy is untrustworthy! who could have seen this coming

- “the factions work” they literally didn’t. that was. the point of the whole two other movies? are we forgetting those

- matthew and four should’ve been endgame thanks for coming to my ted talk

- thank you peter for always serving cunt

- yes girl completely wipe your ex husbands memory

- i don’t think anyone talked about tris’s terrible fucking tattoo enough

- yeah girl of course he’s wiping the memories of everyone in chicago

- she can do whatever she wants. she’s the protagonist

- peter cmon i liked you

- ok but like. the gas is still there? whatever

- i feel like this plot is not finished

- oh my god it’s not allegiant did so bad in box offices that they cancelled the fourth one. that’s hilarious. thank god.

[evilautist]

ranking the pairings tomodachi life came up with with my ocs

10. mol leed x univen

cursed pairing srsly. one might think that theyd be great for each other cause they are both horrible people in general, but that is dooming one more person to be the abuse victim of univen's fuckery and as bad as mol leed is, pairing him (or most others) with univen is just inhumane. his only saving grace is that he would die of radiation poisoning within a few months because univen is radioactive

also mol leed cheated on rosai with univen. i didnt even know they could do that. i thought hed just reject her because he was already in a relationship

9. vipera x sikra

the two to least likely get together on the entire list; vipera would definitely not get into a relationship with anyone and especially 'i only like men who are pathetic failures' sikra. the two wouldnt last two seconds in-universe before vipera would try and eat sikra's spine. too bad she doesnt have one.

8. giaxxa x tip

the only couple on here who would even have a chance of becoming a legitimate thing in-universe, though not out of love. unfortunately ive already explored that scenario, and itd lead to an extremely toxic relationship filled with resentment on giaxxa's side and neglect on tip's side. however the two are good people so long as they don't get together (and so long as tip's mother doesn't interfere too much in his personal life)

7. shönen x pag

heartbreaking: wrestling champion godess marries worlds most boring dude alive. and she doesnt even like men.

the most interesting thing that could come out of this is a break up, and even that'd put me to sleep

6. pud x big sis

want to give throne a stroke? show him this pairing.

this is just a missmatch of personality, mainly. theyd probably have a fine first few weeks, but big sis would probably drive pud nuts with all her philosophizing (and hallucinogen use).

5. pod x seaadi

the funniest part of this pairing is that in-universe seaadi was dating pud so i like to imagine that he just misread pud's name and now started to accidentally date his lover's aunt.

4. tud x okai

from here on, the relationships could actually work. this one wouldnt work THE best, especially with these two's history with politics and responsibility amongst family, but they'd prolly have fun most of the time

tud would not be happy about being dragged right back into politics after they thrusted that job onto pag though

3. king x frishik

the most stable relationship here, with the both of them being extremely calm and rational (in most cases). they'd also be terrifying as a fighting duo

2. sur x tip

this is the FUNNIEST combination i couldve ever hoped for.

tip, older brother of tip, fell in love with his younger brother's girlfriend, giaxxa. he asked her out twice and got rejected both times, then he asked sur, giaxxa's mother, out and actually got together with her. tip has become his younger brother's father in law, and later had a child with sur, making that kid both giaxxa's brother and nephew. giaxxa had already a weird family due to his sister being older than her mother by nearly two decades, the poor girl will never get a break

and the two could actually make this work. they've got quite a few things in common and tip has a type for women like sur anyways. sur might need a bit of time to warm up to him, but she enjoys ripping on people who act stupid as hell anyways, and tip would provide a fortune for her

nym x glitch 7

how funny that the two victims of the worst couple on here would make the best couple, but i can genuinely see this one. nym's main interest (linguistics and languages) is one of glitch 7's domains as a god, and the two would probably love to go clubbing together. plus nym would finally have a girl interested in him too, instead of just being drowned in potential boyfriends

also glitch would absolutely carry nym around in one arm when hes feeling lazy and/or sad

[argyle-s]

I'm sorry. I can't let this pass. *BIDEN* isn't funding a Genocide. The US is funding a Genocide. *Biden* has been supporting the funding bill, yes, but if you actually pay attention, the whole time Biden has been working his fucking ass off on harm reduction.

*Biden* has been pushing for aid for Gaza. *Biden* has been pushing for restrictions on how Israel can use the aid we give. *Biden* has been pushing for the UN to take control of Gaza once the conflict has ended. *Biden* has been increasingly vocal and critical of Israel as time has gone on. *Biden* has been doing every fucking thing he can to end the fucking Genocide.

All I see on social media is people screaming about how Biden needs to stand up and demand a cease fire without them understanding the fucking reality of the situation. Biden has been working through diplomatic channels to actually help the Palestinian people, instead of standing up and making some grand, performative, and meaningless gesture that would end up doing far more harm than good by destroying any diplomatic leverage he has with Israel.

I don't like Biden. Dude is an establishment Democrat who picked a cop, a FUCKING COP, as his Vice President (yeah, I know Kamala Harris is actually a DA, but DA's are just pigs in fancy shoes). Biden is not my guy. I'm a hard core socialist who thinks the world would be a better place if we all marched down wall street and dulled the blades on some guillotines. But Biden is FUCKING TRYING his God damned best to help the Palestinian people.

If Trump wins the election, the fucker will make matters worse. If Trump gets elected, he will, 100%, make the wrong decision at every turn. If Trump gets elected, the conflict will spread, and before it's over, it will very likely go nuclear, because we all know Israel has them, and they will damn well use them, and Trump will likely tell them "Go ahead, we'll give you some more if you need them" because that's the kind of dump fuck Trump is. And the whole time his shitty leadership is turning the Middle East into a radioactive wasteland, he will be turning the US into Naziville.

But don't take my word for it. Go and watch this guy's videos.

https://www.youtube.com/@BeauoftheFifthColumn He's a former soldier and independent journalist who does 3 or 4 videos a day of political analysis. He doesn't like Biden any more than I do, but he has a really shrewd understanding of how politics works. The guy knows his shit and does his research. He's one of the best sources of political analysis I've come across.

"Biden is funding a literal genocide!"

Yeah - and so will Trump. Like, if you don't vote for Biden, Trump will win, and he will continue to send aid to Israel - in fact, he will likely send MORE aid to Israel. That's the reality of the world we live in.

And, to be honest, any US president will support Israel. Because the USA is Israel's ally. That's how foreign policy works.

So who do you prefer?

Biden, who has helped lgbtq rights, reproductive rights, infrastructure, the environment, lowered medication costs, supported unions, and done MANY good, progressive things,

Or Trump, who we already know is awful. Who we already know will destroy any human rights Biden managed to gain. Who will not help the environment. Who will not help trans people, or immigrants, or women.

Because those are your two choices. And if you think they're the same, you are dangerous to all marginalized people.

[kley-blog]

“I’m a modern man. A man for the millennium. Digital and smoke free. A diversified, multi-cultural, post-modern deconstructionist. Politically, anatomically and ecologically incorrect. I’ve been up-linked and downloaded. I’ve been inputted and outsourced. I know the upside of downsizing. I know the downside of upgrading. I’m a high-tech low life. A cutting edge, state of the art, bi-coastal multi-tasker, and I can give you a gigabyte in a nanosecond. I’m new wave, but I’m old school. And my inner child is outward bound. I’m a hot-wired, heat seeking, warm-hearted cool customer. Voice-activated and biodegradable. I interface from a database, my database is in cyberspace. So I’m interactive, I’m hyperactive and from time to time, I’m radioactive. Behind the eight ball, ahead of the curve, riding the wave, dodging the bullet, pushing the envelope. I’m on point, on task, on message and off drugs. I got no need for coke and speed. I got no urge to binge and purge. I’m in the moment, on the edge, over the top but under the radar. A high concept, low profile, medium range ballistic missionary. A streetwise smart bomb. A top gun bottom feeder. I wear power ties. I tell power lies. I take power naps. I run victory laps. I’m a totally ongoing big foot, slam-dunk rainmaker with a proactive outreach. A raging workaholic. A working rageaholic. Out of rehab and in denial. I got a personal trainer, a personal shopper, a personal assistant and a personal agenda. You can’t shut me up. You can’t dumb me down. Because I’m tireless and I’m wireless. I’m a alpha male on beta blockers. I’m a non-believer and an overachiever. Laid back but fashion forward. Up front, down home, low rent, high maintenance. Super size, long lasting, high definition, fast-acting, oven-ready and built to last. I’m a hands-on, footloose, knee jerk head case. Prematurely post-traumatic, and I have a love child who sends me hate mail. But I’m feeling. I’m caring. I’m healing. I’m sharing. A supportive, bonding, nurturing primary caregiver. My output is down, but my income is up. I take a short position on the long bond. And my revenue stream has its own cash flow. I read junk mail. I eat junk food. I buy junk bonds. I watch trash sports. I’m gender specific, capital intensive, user friendly and lactose intolerant. I like rough sex. I like rough sex. I like tough love. I use the F word in my email. And the software in my hard drive is hardcore, no soft porn. I bought a microwave at a mini mall. I bought a minivan at a megastore. I eat fast food in the slow lane. I’m toll free, bite size, ready to wear and I come in all sizes. A fully equipped, factory authorized, hospital tested, clinically proven, scientifically formulated medical miracle. I’ve been prewashed, precooked, preheated, prescreened, preapproved, prepackaged, post-dated, freeze dried, double wrapped, vacuum packed and I have an unlimited broadband capacity. I’m a rude dude, but I’m the real deal. Lean and mean. Cocked, locked and ready to rock. Rough, tough and hard to bluff. I take it slow. I go with the flow. I ride with the tide. I got glide in my stride. Driving and moving. Sailing and spinning. Jiving and grooving. Wailing and winning. I don’t snooze, so I don’t lose. I keep the pedal to the metal and the rubber on the road. I party hearty. And lunch time is crunch time. I’m hanging in. There ain’t no doubt. And I’m hanging tough. Over and out.” –George Carlin (1937 - 2008)

[in-tua-deep]

Ok I totally want to hear more about this survivors au/Delores is real! How do the siblings handle having this different version of Five? Five may be better adjusted but he still has to heard his family around like a bunch of stray cats. What happens when Hazel and Cha Cha show up? How do they find out that Vanya causes the apocalypse and how does Five handle that revelation?!

here is the thing, i think the survivors au has the potential to be HILARIOUS

no one knows how to handle a well-adjusted five, and this absolutely includes the commission

So you mentioned Hazel and Cha-Cha?? Five in this au was not nearly as absolutely feral as he is in the show bc he knows how to interact with people - he was raised by a competent adult and a weird best friend and they occasionally saw other survivors as well

please picture old Five hanging around the water cooler and chatting with Hazel

the other funny thing is that Five is competent passing - he is well adjusted emotionally but functionally?? Hazel is out there complaining about dental being cut and office parties and budgets and Five is there sipping his drink having never filed taxes in his life. Five doesn't know what the fuck a dental plan is, he was a child soldier and then lived in an apocalypse.

So please picture for me Hazel being like "okay I know corporate wants us to keep what we're being paid to ourselves but fuck that, workers unite, what do you get paid as a legend old timer?"

and five is like "you're getting paid? i get to not get tossed back into the apocalypse, I think"

"but what about expense forms? what about medical care?"

"I'm like 80% sure i'm being experimented on, actually." Five says nonchalantly, "Don't get me wrong, my idea of medical care is fucked by being a child soldier but I'm pretty sure regular people don't have electrodes attached to their heads every time they get a checkup. Could be wrong though! My ex-dad used to monitor my brainwaves while I slept so like, my idea of appropriate shit is fucked, you know?"

This is a Five who was raised by Rick, he is polite to his coworkers. If Dot asked him if he wanted to grab lunch, Five would have gone and grabbed lunch with her or politely said that he couldn't.

Cha Cha only ever talks to Five when she wants to talk shop, so they've had a couple of conversations about weapons but not much else tbh, Hazel just tends to be more personable

So when they're sent after Five, Hazel is much more hesitant to kill who he perceives as a "work friend" and also is definitely thinking about all the times Five casually revealed a way the commission was being highkey shady about him, such as the potential experimentation, no pay, working under duress etc. He's much more easily turned against the commission because he's even more primed to say "fuck the commission" than he is in canon

Hazel out here like "how did Five break his contract when Five wasn't even being paid? I kind of want to read it."

Hazel out here like "I would unionize if I didn't think the commission was anti-union enough to send literal assassins after me if I suggested it :/"

meanwhile with the siblings

Five just. talks over them a lot and makes so much sense that it's actually really hard to argue with him, and he's weirdly considerate of his family's obligations

Like Diego is like "i have to go see Patch" then Five is like "that's great I'm proud of you buddy, it would actually be really handy to have some law enforcement read into the situation if you think she's up to the task. that goes for everyone by the way! If y'all have people you trust, more bodies would be super helpful I think"

the entire family, collectively, who have like zero trusted social links: uhhhhhhhh

Diego, with this weird permission, probably?? Does? Awkwardly attempt to read Patch into the situation? Patch is, obviously, like "what the fuck, Diego" but probably goes with him to the mansion (????????) because she's concerned and then meets his fucking whacko family with their superpowers and suddenly everything is 100% more realistic

Five is just like "yes hello I'm aware I look like a child, i'm actually in my late 50s or early 60s (apocalypse time amiright) because of time travel stuff. Yes I am Five Hargreeves who went missing in like 2002 or whatever. anyway it's lovely to meet you, i'm so glad diego has someone he trusts, and considering my sibling's shifty looks when i told them to invite anyone they trusted this genuinely makes me concerned that Diego is the most socially well-adjusted of them."

"That cannot be possible." Patch says, like someone who has met Diego Hargreeves.

"You haven't met the rest." Five says sympathetically, "In our defense we were raised in isolation as child soldiers."

"That... explains so much." Is all Patch can say to that, "But you seem..."

"I'm adopted." Five waves away.

"We're ALL adopted." Diego grits out, very aggrieved by this and also not sure if he likes the fact that Patch seems friendly with Five, or at least is listening to him?

"I'm double adopted."

However! With the recruitment of Patch, herding Diego becomes like 90% easier.

Honestly the worst to herd are probably Luther and Allison? Luther because he's Number One and resents Five taking charge and also resents Five's casual dismissal of Reginald and also suspects that Five (or at least the commission) has something to do with Reginald's death?

Allison because she is torn between following Luther and helping him and helping Five but also calling Patrick and Claire at every possible moment while ALSO trying to repair her relationship with Vanya. She's flighty - she'd bail on a Five-apocalypse-assignment if Vanya mentioned being hungry or if Luther called or anything like that

Vanya likes to be included and, if asked, would probably drop as many current obligations as she can. Like she would probably cancel her teaching if Five genuinely and sincerely asked her for her help, which he does because he's 100% sure Dolores would manifest in front of him and smack him if he dared even imply someone without powers wouldn't be helpful

Vanya is like "I'm not sure if i'll be helpful - I don't have powers ):" and Patch is like "wtf are you talking about - my superpowers are Gun, Backup, and Reading Comprehension and i am like the most useful member of this team right now"

Vanya gets a confidence boost just from hanging out with Patch honestly, I think they should be friends

Klaus is thrilled to be included are you kidding?? He says he does it for money but he's just happy to be there and also as one of the most emotionally intelligent siblings he is mildly concerned about the fact that Five looks like he's about to cry and also emotes

Five also gives Klaus positive reinforcement, hugs, and Five absolutely weaponizes the I'm not mad, but I believe that you can do better and I'm going to give you more chances because I love you and fully believe that next time you'll be amazing way that Rick used on him.

I feel like Five ends up saying something along the lines of "I understand that x is really important, and we're definitely going to look into it. Is it something that needs to be addressed right now, or is it something that can wait until after April 1st? If it can wait, I can write it down here on this list so we don't forget. If it can't wait then we can figure out a time to address it and help you" a lot

Like Grace malfunctioning and potentially killing Reginald?

"We don't have to make this decision right now." Five says patiently, "Because Grace is a robot, we have some options. Living with a robot who is potentially malfunctioning and homicidal is dangerous, but Luther saying that means admitting that Reginald might have made a mistake or error with Grace's programming or upkeep. I haven't been here for a long time, but I remember Reginald being very precise. Regardless, this isn't a choice between permanently shutting her off or not. We can shut her down temporarily until we can fully address the issue. We can ask and see if there is a 'system reboot' option or some sort of system check that Grace can undergo. We can try find and hire an expert to take a look at her programming to find the issue."

Five gives this speech while like, organizing the weaponry in the house on a table very nonchalantly

Five out here making buzzer noises at his siblings arguments like "yeah no that's a false dichotomy and a strawman's argument, want to try again?"

(Look apocalypse nights were long and they had games that were literally about arguing pointless shit like ranking types of chairs or the best way to break out of a prison without powers and things could get heated)

"Who died and made you boss?" Luther demands.

"Uh, the world? Were you not listening?" Five asks, looking very purposefully confused.

It gets even MORE delightful when Five reads Rick into the situation because a) he promised and b) his siblings really have like, no connections jeeze

Rick fully believes that this is his son from the future, like Five introduced himself, but Five skipped out on a few key details. Such as being adopted.

So Rick spends a solid chunk of time just staring at Five, who looks basically nothing like him, trying to think like, who is his mother ???? if we save the world will Five stop existing? why would I name my child 'Five'? Does everyone have powers in the future? was there like... a radioactive apocalypse? would radiation give future humans superpowers? when did my life turn into a comic book? am i even allowed to ask these questions? will knowledge of the future fuck things up?

and then when Five comes back and is like "what is up everyone this is my dad Rick who will be joining us, he doesn't have any memories of me thanks to time travel but if anyone is mean to him i WILL kneecap them"

"Your DAD?"

Five does kidney punch Klaus for saying that Rick is a DILF but otherwise everyone just is like, warily looking at this Normal Dad Man in confusion because?? This is the dude who raised Five, who they watched take out like an entire commission team by himself yesterday? He looks so. Normal.

Rick is very confused and like, wonders if he's supposed to be the team mascot? But Five keeps involving him and asking his opinion and in return Rick enforces snack breaks and makes everyone sandwiches and has gentle talks with everyone

Every time Five notices someone about to blow he just lovingly makes sure that that person is alone in a room with Rick

Luther ends up crying on the sofa with Rick gently patting his back as Rick calmly states that Luther seems like he's put a lot of time and effort into his family and making his father proud and that since Reginald isn't here to say it, Rick will have to be the one to say that he's proud and that they've been dropped into a difficult and stressful situation - so soon after Reginald's death when they're still grieving! - and he's doing so well

Luther, experiencing unconditional positive paternal regard for the first time in his life: i don't know why i'm crying so much

honestly this is just a comedy of juggling the gang, having impromptu therapy sessions and discussions, investigating the apocalypse and the eye, leonard trying to meet vanya continuously and failing because she's constantly surrounding by family or rick/patch, the commission trying their best to bust up the dream team/isolate Vanya/kill or remove Five, while Hazel lives out his romcom dreams with Agnes and also says "fuck the commission"

[allegra-writes]

"Cherry"

Peter Parker x SHIELD Agent! Reader

NSFW

Warnings: Smut. Dom!Peter, jealous, Possesive!Peter, rough sex.

Weeks after the island, Peter finally sees you again. But you aren't alone...

Part of the "Fine Line" series but you don't need to have read that first.

Series Masterlist

Peter couldn't breath. His clothes felt stiff and restrictive, the bowtie, suffocating. This was a bad, bad idea. He wasn't cut for this. He was just a Parker, not a Stark, he had spent most his life trying to be invisible, not even getting superpowers had changed that. He had never wanted to stand out. He didn't want to be seen, to be recognized. 

Even Quentin Beck had realized that. That's why he had done what he had, because he knew it would be the best way to ruin Peter's life. It had been almost a month since his return from Eroda, since Pepper and Fury had managed to clear his name and expose Quentin Beck as the fraud he was, trying to frame Peter for his murder with an adulterated video out of jealousy and envy. The greedy, insane employee gone mad after being overlooked in favor of the young intern, chosen by Tony Stark himself to be his successor. Spider-Man had just been doing his job as Peter's bodyguard when the incident at the bridge happened.

That was the official story, and the press had bought it with gusto, plastering the wide eyed boy's face on every cover, every paper, every magazine, every news site. A few weeks later, he was pretty much America's new sweetheart. Everybody knew his name. Everybody knew his face. His anonymity was gone.

Quentin Beck had won. 

And now, there he was, being blinded by flashing lights, walking the red carpet of his first gala as the official heir of Stark Industries… two seconds away from throwing up.

"Breathe, Peter" Pepper whispered to him, voice calm and reassuring, "Just focus on a point above their heads, and keep your head high" 

She took a step forward and Peter couldn't help but stare: she looked like a queen in her white gown, complete with cape and everything. She was an elegant woman but it wasn't just about her beauty, it was about the power, the authority she commanded, every eye in that red carpet had no choice but to focus on her. 

Tony had been like that too, albeit in a different way: charismatic and bigger than life. Peter wondered how anybody could look at him, awkward and pasty, and think he was related to the man. Because he knew what people were saying...

"Parker, how are you holding up, mate?" A tall, blond boy patted his back, pulling him out of his thoughts. Harry Osborn, the only person there to introduce himself to Peter and actually take the time to try and make him feel comfortable. At first Peter had thought it had something to do with his family being the one hosting the gala but the youngest Osborn wasn't exactly famous for his good manners or decorum. 

"I think I'm about to have a panic attack" more like sensory overload, but Peter wasn't sure how could he explain something like that to his new friend.

"Well, you are not hungover and puking on the photographers" The blond flashed him a brilliant smile, "so you're already doing better than me on my first red carpet"

Peter couldn't help the burst of laughter, but far from offended, Harry's grin turned even brighter. The flashes went wild.

"There you go, that should make for better photographs than the deer-in-the-headlights look you were sporting"

Peter offered him a grateful smile,

"Thanks dude, really"

"Don't mention it" Harry shook his head, "You're actually doing me a favor, letting me hang out with you. You're saving me from looking all lonely and pathetic in front of these vultures, since apparently I have been stood up..."

Peter stared at the blond in surprise. With those sharp cheekbones and icy blue eyes, it was hard to believe any girl could resist him. He suddenly felt a lot less bad about showing up dateless. 

"Alright, we've spent about fifteen minutes out here, we can go in now" Harry instructed, already a pro at this kind of event, gesturing for Peter to follow. 

He noticed the whispers as they walked into the massive lobby together, Oscorp and Stark Industries were rivals, just as Norman Osborn and Tony Stark used to be. His mentor used to find the other billionaire shady and his experiments, unethical. Even now, Pepper's and Norman's relationship was strained, at best, so seeing both heirs so friendly with each other was a little shocking. But if Harry didn't care about that, neither would Peter. Whatever sins the father had committed, he wasn't going to hold them against the son. That wasn't Peter's style. 

"So, what do you think of your first gala, so far?" Harry sauntered in front of him, stealing two champagne flutes from a passing waiter and handling one to Peter.

"Oh, I- I don't drink, thank you"

"Good, that's a wise choice, don't change it" Harry praised, taking the glass back and downing that one too. Peter shook his head.

"I like it," He replied, looking around at the huge salon decked in lavished green and silver banners, the tables gilded with intricate floral arrangements, the huge shiny dance floor in the middle. "Stark Industries' is having one for Christmas, but it's going to be held at a hotel…"

Harry made a face,

"Yeah, that would be the norm, actually. But my father wanted to have it here this year, to prove the facilities are safe, you know?"

Peter thought back to that fatidical field trip all those years ago, to this very same building, when he was bitten by a stray radioactive spider that had escaped one of the labs. He hummed noncommittally. He seriously hoped mister Osborn was right, for the good of everyone attending the party, Harry included. Because truth was he really liked his new friend, he made everything easier just by offering Peter his company, by giving him someone his age to talk too, amongst all those old, stuck up gazillionaires that stared at him with curiosity at best, and open contempt at worst. 

But of course all good things had to come to an end, such was the Parker luck. Harry took his vibrating cell phone out of his pocket.

"Would you look at that! It seems my date has finally arrived" He announced, eyes glued to the screen, smitten smile on his face, "One would think an influencer would jump at the chance of being photographed by the press at a red carpet… But not her, of course. No, she arrives an hour late… I'll go find her, be right back, Parker"

That was when he saw you. Entering the ballroom, a siren in your long golden dress, scanning the crowd. You looked stunning, hair longer, lighter, done in elegant waves cascading down your back.   Your smile was dazzling as you found what you were looking for, and Peter didn't see his new friend make his way to you, entranced as he was by your mere presence.

Until he reached your side, and kissed your lips. 

Harry Osborn offered you his arm, and you took it graciously, and he walked you through the room, proud swag on his steps as he introduced you to practically everyone in the party, Peter's heart breaking a little more with every step you took towards him.

He hadn't heard from you since the island, and now he knew why: You had already found someone new. Someone better, more handsome, and classier than Peter. Than the awkward boy you had been sent to protect. 

Because underneath the Stark's money and his spider powers, that was all Peter was: some orphan kid from Queens who didn't belong. Harry could take you on dates to fancy restaurants without mispronouncing the names of the dishes, he could take you walking around his mother's art gallery in the upper east. He, with his aristocratic features, his british boarding school accent, his old family money, was a much better fit for a princess like you. You wanting Peter had never made much sense anyway. 

And you looked good on Harry's arm, better than ever, actually. You looked happy. Peter hated it, and he hated himself for it. 

"Parker! I want you to meet my date, Sixtine Boucher, influencer, it girl, philanthropist..." Harry was saying, suddenly in front of him, but Peter wasn't listening. You were there, close enough to touch, in the flesh. He could hear your heartbeat, smell you, sunshine and sweetness under the chemical tang of your expensive perfume for the first time after so long and it was almost overwhelming.

"S-Sixteen?"

"Sixtine" You corrected him, sighing as if it was something you did all the time and you were tired of it, "Bonsoir, Peter."

You sounded… funny. 

"You know each other?" Harry's voice asked, politely curious.

"We met during vacation, at the…" You trailed off, eyes meeting Peter in a silent request to play along, disguised as a struggle to find the right words, “... Comment dis-tu ‘plage’ en anglais?”

"Beach" Provided Peter, his brain catching up at last "Yeah, at the beach… when I was on vacation… a-at the french riviera"

"What a small world!" Harry chuckled but it sounded nervous, uncertain. No doubt he could feel the tension between the two of you, growing with every passing second. Along with Peter's understanding. The hair, the dress, the french accent? It was a costume, you were a spy after all. You weren't there for leisure, you were there for work. This was a mission. Harry was your target, or maybe your cover. Whatever it was, it wasn't you. It wasn't real. 

But then again, had Peter really met the real you? After all, not that long ago he had been your mission too…

When the next waiter passed in front of him, Peter stopped him. It probably would no nothing to his spider metabolism, but alcohol was looking more and more like a good idea. He had a feeling he was going to need all the help possible to get through the night. Harry arched a brow but luckily didn't comment, as he was beginning to get a clearer idea about how you and the brown eyed boy knew each other.

A glint on your cleavage caught Peter's eyes and he frowned. There, hanging from a long gold chain, nested between your breasts and almost completely hidden by the, admittedly low cut, neckline of your dress, rested a familiar crystal sunflower. The cheap jewel didn't match your cover, or your outfit, the only reason why you could be wearing it, was him. 

He nodded, almost imperceptibly, letting you know he understood, and you let out the breath you were holding. 

But awareness didn't make watching you, plastered to Harry's side all night any easier. It didn't stop him from seeing red every time you called Harry "baby", the endearment close enough to the "baby boy" you used for Peter to feel like a betrayal. It definitely didn't save the glass of wine he was holding from shattering under his grip as he saw you sneak outside of the room with him in the middle of dinner.

"Peter! Are you alright?" Pepper fussed over his hand, looking for cuts, and motioning to a waiter to help clean the shards of glass from the table.

"Yeah" He murmured, distractedly, eyes never leaving the doorway you had disappeared through, "I-I'm sorry, you'll have to excuse me"

He didn't even wait for Mrs. Stark's reply as he got up from the table, giving chase to you and your date through corridors and elevators, following your giggles and the faint trace of your perfume. His persecution led him to the upmost floor of the building, where a single mahogany awaited him, but the fingertip scanner on the lock told him he wasn't going to be able to open it. 

He cursed, barely catching himself from making a dent on the wall with a punch. You were doing your job, that was all, he repeated, like a mantra. Whatever was happening behind that door meant nothing. You were wearing his sunflower, that had to mean something, it had to.

After a few minutes, that felt like hours to him, the door opened.

"Peter! Shit, I was hoping you would be smarter than to follow me!" You hissed, as he pushed you back, stepping inside the room and closing the door behind him.

"Where is Harry?" 

"Knocked out in the bathroom" You pointed at a door by the side. Peter took a look around the room, by far the biggest, most luxurious office he had ever seen in his entire life. And he had been inside Pepper's so that was saying something. The view of the Manhattan skyline through the floor to ceiling window was nothing short of breath taking. "I just needed him to get in here"

"Right. Of course. I knew that" 

You squinted in suspicion at his flat tone,

"Pete, are you… jealous?" You smirked, amused. But Peter wasn't in the mood for your teasing, his patience finally reaching its limit.

He was on you in a heartbeat, pushing you back against the wall, caging you with his body. There was a dangerous, possessive spark in his eyes that you had never seen before. One that promised trouble for you. 

"So what if I am?" He challenged, bracing himself on one hand on the wall next to your head, the other one slipping through the high slit on the skirt of your dress, fingertips digging on the sensitive skin at the inside of your thighs, "So what if every time I saw him put his hands on you tonight, I wanted to break his fingers? What if every time he kissed you, I felt like dying?" 

The pain was evident in his voice, breaking your heart a little. But this was you, you were a special agent, this was what you did. Peter had said he wanted you, wanted to get to know the real you. Well, this was it. 

"I'm not going to apologise for doing my job…" 

"I'm not asking you to" He interrupted

"Then what are you asking of me?" 

Peter pinned you with a long, considering look and you did your best not to squirm under its intensity.

"I'm not asking anymore, mon chérie " he finally spoke, "I'm taking"

He crushed his mouth, and his body, to yours, trapping you under his familiar weight and, for the first time since returning from the island, you felt home. He tasted like wine, and the cherries from dessert and heat. You had almost forgotten how his warmth felt like sunlight against your skin, until every starved pore opened to soak him up. His teeth grazed your bottom lip, making you moan. God, how you had missed him on your lips! 

You must have said it out loud, because you felt his smile against your jaw as he broke the kiss to let you breathe. 

"Did you, now?" He inquired, nuzzling down your neck, "Where else did you miss me, cherry?" 

You felt his long, talented fingers find their goal, tugging your underwear to the side, slipping into you with no warning once he realized how ready you already were for him.

"Did you miss me here? Did you miss me inside you?" 

There was a buzzing in your coms and the reality of what was about to happen, andwhere it was about to happen hit you like a bucket of cold water. 

"Peter, wait, not here!" Peter ignored you, lips latching onto the spot just under your ear that Peter knew made you see stars. He couldn't wait, couldn't tear himself away from you, from your body. You were already breathing hard and he knew your halfhearted resistance wasn't going to last much longer. He speeded up the movement of his fingers inside you, tearing an involuntary cry out of your mouth. He was working you expertely, wave after wave of wetness bathing his hand, undeniable proof of your pleasure. 

"Gonna leave so many pretty marks on you..." He promised, puncturing his words by biting down, hard, on the column of your neck, "Everybody's going to know who you really belong to..."

"Peter, please!" You sobbed, implored.

"Want me to stop baby girl? Really?"

You shook your head no. You didn't, you couldn't. Fuck the mission, fuck Oscorp, you only wanted to feel him. It had been too long, way too long. You took your coms out of your ear and smashed it under your hill. You'd deal with Hill later. 

Peter slid the straps of your dress down your shoulders, lowering his face to your exposed chest, all wet lips and hot tongue as you hurriedly undid his button and zipper, finally freeing his angry, hard member. You pumped him once, and he bit on your nipple with enough strength to draw a single, sweet drop of blood. 

"Oh god… feels so good" Peter's words were muffled against your collar bone, as he stretched you, burying himself deep inside you, as far as he would go, "being one with you again…"

"I missed you" You confessed, "so much, baby boy!"

Peter leaned back, stormy eyes capturing yours, holding you hostage,

"Oh no, my cherry, after your little stunt calling Harry baby all night?" He tsked, "No, you don't get to call me that anymore… now, you're gonna call me 'daddy'"

With that, he started thrusting up into you roughly, hips almost cruel in their onslaught as they slammed into you, truly railing you against the wall, unyielding, unrelenting. You wrapped your arms and legs around him, holding on for dear life, taking what he gave you like a good girl cause that was what Peter needed from you. 

But god, did it feel good! His large thick cock, hard as vibranium, stretching you to your limits, a fit so tight you could feel every bump, every vein, as he hit all the secret spots inside you, tearing the pleasure out of you. Your orgasm was building fast, so fast it made you dizzy with the way all your blood rushed to your center. As your walls began to quiver around him, and you met Peter's fierce, furious face, you knew he wasn't going to be satisfied with just the one. Oh, no, he was going to rip out at least one more orgasm from your ravished body before releasing you. Undoubtedly not before marking you from the inside with his own release, you had long ago learned Peter was animalistic like that, all higher reasoning disappearing when it came to making you his. 

"Tell me you're mine" he breathed, demanding, against your cheek, hand sneaking between your bodies to tease your pearl, making you explode in sensation, and prolonging your climax, keeping you there where he wanted you, right on your peak until you were at the edge of sanity, your brain unable to process that much pleasure so suddenly and for so long.

You tried, but you couldn't remember how to form words, the only sound leaving your lips a delirious,

"Peter!"

"Say it, my cherry" he insisted, feeling his own release approach much quicker than he would like, but it just had been so long, and he had missed you so much and you just felt so fucking good  "let me hear you say you're mine as I make you come again…"

"Yes!" You cried, finally finding your voice, "I'm yours, Peter… only yours!"

"Damn right… all mine… only mine…"

He was almost there, and judging from the way your muscles were tensing and locking around him again, Peter knew you were too. But something was going on outside, his super hearing catching the sound of the elevator doors, and footsteps on the hallway. Still, he couldn't stop. He was so close, so fucking close… He had to come, had to make you come, before they did. There were voices outside, one of them he even recognized, telling the others to stop, to listen. Peter sneaked an arm around your waist, getting you away from the wall, moving you up and down his cock at inhuman speed, and he finally felt you fall apart. He came with a final cry of triumph… right as the doorknob started to turn. 

Faster than any human could, he ran behind the door, with you still in his arms, to buy himself a couple of seconds as he slipped out of you, fixing your dress so you were completely covered before even thinking about tucking himself back inside his pants. 

"Oh, for fucks sake!" Norman Osborn's exasperated voice was the first thing your pleasure addled brain was able to process as you stood on shaky legs, Peter's frame still hiding you from view. He took of his suit jacket, helping you put your hands through the sleeves and fastening it close.

"Put down your weapons, you goons! High security breach?.. Horny teenagers are not a menace, I should know!" Norman was still yelling at his guards. Peter turned around to face the old man, and you muffled your histerical laugh against his sweaty back, breathing him in. 

"S-sir… sorry, we-we we-were just" Peter babbled, trying to catch his breath.

"Oh, save it, boy! I know exactly what you were doing, this whole place stinks of sex!" 

You snorted and Norman finally seemed to notice who you were,

"I'm sorry, weren't you my son's date?"

You could only laugh harder.

"He passed out" provided Peter, as innocently as he managed, "in the bathroom"

"He's in the…" the billionaire's eyes widened, "Wait, you… you three were…"

"He really liked Peter" You announced, unhelpfully, fake accent restored. 

"Ignore her, please" Peter sounded apologetic, not wanting the blonde boy that had so kindly offered his friendship to him to face unjust consequences for his own fuck up "Harry has nothing to do with this. My girlfriend was just trying to make me jealous. It worked. Harry's only mistake was to get drunk"

Norman rolled his blue eyes, so alike his son's,

"A common mistake for him. Trust me, boy, you don't need to make excuses for him… God knows I got tired of making them myself a long time ago." He sighed, gesturing to his guards to check on Harry inside the bathroom.

"Now, get out of here, both of you, so I can call the cleaning crew… not Tony's son my ass, this is the exact same shit your father used to pull at all my parties!"

Peter opened and closed his mouth a couple of times, but you tugged on his arm, it was pointless to try and deny it, Osborn senior was never going to believe him. 

Peter took your hand,

"Right. Of course… we'll be… going, then"

You chuckles at his cute, nervous babbling became a full on belly splitting laugh as you ran out of the office and locked yourselves inside the elevator. 

"Oh my god, his face!" You clutched at your stomach, doubled over, "that was… the best alibi in history! They didn't even search me!!" You showed Peter the tiny pendrive with S.H.I.E.L.D's logo where you had copied all the information inside Norman Osborn's computer. Peter tilted his head in confusion,

"Six, where were you even keeping that?!" Osborn's security might ot have searched you, but his own had been… pretty thorough. 

You merely winked, 

"Wouldn't you like to know, weather boy?"

This time, it was Peter's turn of barking a laugh. He pulled you to him, kissing your forehead.

"Come on, let's find Happy and tell him to get the car. I want to get out of here…"

And he was taking you home with him. 

To be continued...

[parkertech]

Can you do a Peter x reader, where y/n is blind her whole life and comes into school, meeting Parker and such? And so she had good senses and when she becomes friends with Parker and gang, Parker often leaves, making an excuse which means he gotta be Spider-Man and so like, she knows he’s lying and eventually confronts him? Maybe also he’s secretly working by himself or w/ Tony to create glasses for her to see and it’s gets emotionally sweet and omggg please and thank you. You don’t have to!

Peter thought his day would be it’s regular schedule. Boring teachers, boring lectures, maybe squeeze in an annoying group project. His day was normally boring, until the period before lunch.

“Class, today we have a new student!” The teacher announced enthusiastically. Peter’s head shot up from resting on the desk, and his eyes immediately landed on you. One look was all it took for him to lose his breath. He found himself looking up and down, and heard his heart beating in his ears. You were absolutely gorgeous to him.

Since he was suddenly so observant, he found you tilting slightly away from all the students. The teacher cleared her throat before turning you so you were face to face with all the desks. He furrowed his eyebrows in confusion, but nonetheless didn’t say anything.

“I expect all of you to be respectful and treat her like you would what to be treated. Would you like to tell the class something about yourself?” The teacher asked you. You cleared throat, suddenly being put on the spot even more than before.

“Um...hi. My name’s Y/N...and...I’m blind?” You didn’t really know what else to say. The teacher cleared her throat at your bluntness, while Peter’s face lit up in realization. No one wonder you weren’t facing the class perfectly. You were blind.

For some reason, Peter found that absolutely adorable. Call him weird, he didn’t really care. What he did care about was your impression of him.

The teacher guided you to the back of the class, and to a seat right next to Peter. He felt his heartbeat speed up more and pushed his hands together. When the teacher finished helping you, he tried to ignore his reactions and focus on the board.

“Why’s your heart beating so fast?” You whispered to him. He jumped up slightly and turned to you, is eyebrows furrowed.

“W-What...?” He stuttered.

“I can hear your heartbeat. Why is it beating so fast?” Peter was getting more and more confused by the second, but also intrigued.

“Um, n-no it’s not. How can you even hear my heartbeat?” Be whispered back.

“Even though I’m blind, my other senses are raised to like, 100. You gonna answer my question?” You had heightened senses like him. Except you probably born that way, and not bitten by a radioactive spider in a laboratory on a field trip.

“Just nervous for...a possible project presentation.” Peter blurted. It’s the first thing that came to mind, and he didn’t properly think about how stupid the excuse sounded.

“Ah, okay. Well calm down dude, it’s not a jail sentence.” You patted his shoulder twice, which made him suck in a breath. All of sudden his shoulder where you touched it was on fire, and his hands were getting sweaty. He didn’t know how you made him feel like this, but he wasn’t exactly complianing either.

“You know, you can sit with me and my friends at lunch...” he trailed off. You tapped your foot a few times, before turning to him and smiling. He didn’t expect you to look him dead in the eyes, and it made him swallow a lump in his throat.

“I’d like that. Thanks....?”

“Peter! Parker Peter— I-I mean Peter Parker, that’s me. Yeah.” He blurted awkwardly. It made you giggle a bit, and he chuckled embarrassed. Even your laugh was cute. God, why was everything about you cute?

“Okay then, Parker Peter, I’m sitting with you today.” He nodded awkwardly with a tight lipped smile before sighing in relief. A few minutes later, the bell rung, and Peter practically jumped out of his seat, slinging his backpack over his shoulder. He ran out the door, and waited on the side for you to come out.

When you reached the doorway, you looked let and right, trying to sense Peter. You felt someone’s hand brush yours, and you flinched. He immediately retracted his hand and put it in his pocket.

“S-sorry, I didn’t mean to-” You relaxed when you heard the thick Queens accent speak, and sighed in relief.

“It’s fine, I’ve just never felt your hand before, so I thought you were a stranger.” Peter let out an ‘oh’, before chuckling in relief. “Why are you trying to hold my hand again?”

“U-Uh, well, I thought since you’re blind and everything, to make sure you don’t bump into anyone, I-I could hold your hand...” He mumbled shyly. You smiled a little before holding out your hand.

“Yeah, okay.” His eyes lit up, and he slowly intertwined your fingers together. Peter started walking, and you followed a step behind him.

You didn’t really have a problem running into people, but the second Peter’s hand touched yours, you didn’t want him to move. His hand felt warm, and comforting. It gave you a slight tingle in the bottom of your stomach, and it made your senses go haywire.

Peter announced that you were in the cafeteria, but you could tell by how loud the chatter got. He directed you to the table where Betty, Ned, and MJ were sitting, and sat down next to you.

“Peter finally has a girlfriend?!” Betty exclaimed. She noticed your hands, and came to conclusions.

“W-What?! No, no no no, this isn’t my girlfriend...” Sadly, he thought to himself. “She’s new. Everyone, Y/N.”

“And who are these ‘everyone’ people, Peter?”

“Oh, yeah. Ned’s my bestfriend, theres MJ, short for Michelle, and then Betty, who you heard earlier.” Betty held her hand out, but got confused when you didn’t shake it back. Her hand was in your peripheral view, but she didn’t know your big trait. “Oh, uh Betty...she’s blind.”

“Oh shit. I’m so sorry-” Betty started apologizing.

“No worries, I don’t even know what’s happening.” MJ smirked a little.

“I already like her.” You smiled at her, using your hearing to pinpoint her location. From that day on, you and got along with all of Peter’s friends. After all the questions (Ned had way more than anyone else), you spent everyday with all of them. That was until Peter always said he had to leave for some Stark Internship. His heart always beat super fast when he said that, which you learned is a key factor in lying. It always made you confused, until one specific walk home.

Some random burglar pulled you into an alleyway, and asked you for your money. He rummaged through your backpack, and instead of finding money, he found a special card you had, that mentioned you were blind. You always had it just in case, but never really used it. The burglar was going to use this to his benefit, until he heard a thwip and was pinned to the wall by webbing. You knew this was that superhero Peter talked about non-stop, Spider-Man.

“Ma’am, are you alright?” His voice sounded way too familiar, and you felt his hand touch yours, and that warm feeling you got with Peter came back. Thanks to your heightened senses, you could immediately tell this was him. But you wanted more proof.

“Y-yeah, I think so...” You made sure to face away from him, because if this wasn’t Peter, he wouldn’t know. Spider-Man gently grabbed you by the shoulders and turned you to face him.

“Right, you’re blind, do you mind if I swing you home?” Spider-Man asked you politely.

Yep, that’s definitely Peter.

“How did you know I was blind?” You ask him. Peter’s suit eyes were almost completely wide, realizing he slipped up.

“U-Uh, your c-card...” he looked down at the piece of paper on the floor that was now covered in sewer water, and used that as his excuse.

But he wasn’t reminded about your heightened senses. He was too nervous to. His heat beat was going fucking haywire, giving you your answer and confirming your suspicions.

“Oh, that makes sense.” You played it off cooly. “Yeah, you can take home.” Peter didn’t trust his own voice to slip up again, so he guided you into his side, and swung you to your house after asking for your address. Like he didn’t already know.

The next day, you practically sprinted into school. You had proof and wanted to confrot Peter about his alter ego. For some weird reason. You could easily keep it to yourself, but you felt that if you told him you knew, you could help him.

Being so infatuated with Peter, you learned that his footsteps had a slight lag to them. So when you heard said footsteps next to you, you practically sprinted to your right. You smashed against the locker next to Peter, making him jump.

“Shit, Y/N! Are you okay?!” Yes, that hurt. But you shoved it down.

“Yeah, can you take us to a nearby storage closet? I gotta tell you something.” Peter looked around, and found one a few lockers down.

“Yeah, come on.” He grabbed your hand gently, and navigated you through the halls of students. Once you were both in the closet, he locked the door and you turned to him.

“I know you’re Spider-Man.” You blurted. Peter’s eyes went wide, and he froze in place.

“W-What? I am not Spider-Man, who’s Spider-Man?” Peter wanted to play dumb, but not that dumb. He grimaced in embarrassment, and you folded your arms with confidence.

“Peter, when you lie, your heartbeat speeds up. It is right now. It sped up when you told me how you knew I was blind. Also, you have the same voice.” Peter was going to lie again, but he realized there was no way out. He groaned and hesitated before speaking again.

“Okay...fine. Yes, I’m Spider-Man, but you can’t tell anyone.” You scoffed and shook your head.

“Please, that’s too low. I would never.” Your mind went back to all the times he said he had to leave, and your head clicked again. “Wait, is being Spider-Man your supposed Stark Internship?”

“Yeah...Mr.Stark made my suit, so...” You modded with an ‘ah’ before standing there awkwardly. “Speaking of Mr. Stark...I kind of asked him to do something...for you...”

“For me?” You asked. You were immediately confused, and heard what sounded like a glasses case being opened and shut.

“Yeah...I asked him to make you glasses...so that you could see. Your medical records said that you’re blind because your vision is blurred. So the glasses are meant to make your cataract focus and make a clear picture.” He held out your hand, and you felt a cool metal being placed in your hands. “We’ve been working on it for months...and I didn’t know when to give them to you...”

Peter did this for you? All of this? Your heart swelled at how selfless he was being, and it made your stomach get filled with butterflies. You knew you had a crush on Peter, but him doing this might have made you fall harder.

“Can you put them on me...?” You asked softly. If this was truly going to work, your life was going to change forever. Peter unfolded the glasses and held it by the hinges, gently sliding the temples over your ears.

Instead of your vision being cloudy, everything was clearer than day. Based on how your mouth dropped and your eyes watered, Peter could tell his invention worked. He smiled at your shocked reaction, biting his lip.

“Well...?”

“Y-you’re really cute...” You blurted. It was the first thing that came to mind the second your eyes met his brown ones. Peter’s cheeks immediately turned red and he cleared his throat.

“T-Thanks...y-you’re cute too...” Your lips slowly curved into a small smile, before your hands cupped both of Peter’s cheeks. You started into his eyes in disbelief, and Peter didn’t know what to do but stare back. In a flash, he saw your face move close, and felt your soft lips on his. He raised his eyebrows in surprise, and looked at you with wide eyes.

Holy shit, you’re kissing him!

He eventually got a grip, and closed his eyes, kissing you back. He felt you smile into the kiss, which made him reciprocate it. Much to his dismay, you pulled away. He was going to complain, until you rested your forehead against his, your smile still on your face.

“Thank you...” you whispered softly.

“You’re welcome...” he whispered back. You looked down to grab his hand when you heard the bell ring. Peter took the hint, and wrapped his fingers with yours, unlocking the closet door, and walking with you to the hallway. Both of you had a stupid smile on your faces, but none of you cared.

You would’ve still had a crush Peter if you didn’t know what he looked like forever, and Peter knew that now. But that didn’t mean he wouldn’t do anything for you.

At least now you could see the faces of your friends when you told them the news.

[butterflyinthewell]

OKAY lemme just mess around because it’s cracking me up and I need to laugh at something ridiculous.

Who in the Godzilla fandom has watched Inuyasha??

So we have our big bastard Godzilla, right?

SO WHAT IF GODZILLA WAS A DEMON IN THE SENGOKU JIDAI...AND LIKE SESSHOUMARU HE CAN TAKE A HUMANOID FORM...

And imagine it’s an anime version TJ Storm himself with yellow eyes(that glow electric blue when he’s about to transform), pointy ears, fangs and claws for fingernails.

COME ON. LOOK HOW PRETTY HE IS.

Can anybody else imagine this too?!

Only really old demons know what his true form looks like. Watching him transform is a once in a lifetime awe inspiring event. His eyes glow electric blue, he starts emitting glowing blue radioactive steam from his nose and mouth and his dorsal spines appear, ripping through whatever clothing he’s wearing. Then he stomps one foot, which shakes the ground and shoots dirt up into the sky like a mushroom cloud. And as that cloud is rising he disappears into it in a blue flash, and when the smoke clears there stands Godzilla!

He is an extremely rare saurian demon who was born in the early Cretaceous period of the Mesozoic era. He is so old that he remembers the dinosaurs and witnessed the asteroid impact that killed them all.

In his humanoid form he goes by the name Jira. To most people, it sounds like “Jeeda” because of how kids mispronounce and shorten Gojira, so it sticks. Jira or Jeeda, he answers to either. 😋

Jira is a really super OG demon who just wants to sleep and people keep scrambling around him for the Shikon Jewel.

He has an “I don’t give a fuck” vibe that rivals Sesshoumaru’s, but he is a bit less cold about it. (Because he actually smiles more often than mr haughty dog fluff boy...) He LOVES kids and will be really warm and playful to them. On an average day he’s very polite and reserved. He isn’t roused into battle by badmouthing and insults, but harm a child or threaten him enough and it’s all over for whoever made that mistake.

Demon kids and human kids both love Jira because he’s always nice to them. His most important moral code is to never harm a child on purpose, so he never has and never will. (Some might have been hurt or killed accidentally when he battled ancient foes in demon form, but he tries not to think about that.)

Kagome would like him right away because he’s polite to her, but it’s likely they will only meet in very brief passing and she will be spooked by the feel of his demonic aura because it’s so ancient.

Inuyasha would probably badmouth the guy, but in the end he respects him enough to not start a fight with him. Jira calls him a child a lot and ooooh he hates that.

Shippo thinks he’s the coolest dude ever, but still respects him.

Sesshoumaru wouldn’t fear him, but he would respect him as an ancient one he has known since his infancy.

Koga would not go within ten feet of this guy. He made the mistake of trying to cross him once and learned respect the hard way. He will find an excuse to leave if he sees Jira show up.

Naraku tried to fuck with him and he only survived because he had the Shikon Jewel shards in him. He never tried that again and leaves this guy alone.

Like, Jira is so powerful that he can’t really do anything major in the Inuyasha plot because he would end the story in a second and that’s no fun. Really, a guy who can punch holes in mountains and vaporize things with his breath is not somebody you throw in front of Naraku. 😋

Maybe he occasionally drops clues or offers directions to ancient locations few know about. Most of the time you might see him snoozing under a tree in the background, and nobody fucks with him because he can shake the earth by roaring, exhale a miasma that neutralizes the powers of other demons so they’re no stronger than typical humans and he can spit out a strange blue beam that makes people sick if they survive the impact...it’s really radiation poisoning because they don’t know what radioactivity is in the Sengoku Jidai.

His demonic aura has a peculiar smell only full demons can pick up— it’s the radiation in his blood. It tends to rise when he’s angry. Somebody with a Geiger counter pointed at him would notice the radiation levels spiking at the same time Kagome notices his aura intensifying. When he’s calm, he is perfectly safe to touch or stand close to without any ill effects. He has total control of his radiation and knows when not to raise it.

Oh, and he can’t drown because he can still breathe underwater.

Few have seen Godzilla transform into his giant demon form. Not even Sesshoumaru has seen it, though his parents did many thousands of years ago. There are legends and stories about it that get really hard to find in modern times, so it’s no surprise that the legend of the fire breathing man who couldn’t drown fell through history’s cracks.

NOW THE FUN PART...

Kagome is still able to go back and forth in time. She keeps sensing a strong demonic presence in modern times, but doesn’t know why.

UNTIL 2014.

Everything carries on the same as in Godzilla 2014 and KOTM. Kagome stays the hell out of it because those are not her battles to fight.

Afterward, she goes out to a nearby park to relax after the planet almost frigging died, and she bumps into a very pretty looking black guy in a black t-shirt and gray shorts while he’s taking a nap under a tree...

[the-transfeminine-mystique]

Could you elaborate on that post you made a little while ago re Alex Morse and how the dudes who tried to run the honey pot / smear campaign are now "radioactive" to the very politician they were trying to impress? Like what gave you that impression

tbh it’s possible that both parties have moved past the need for posturing in this way, but like in a more traditional American political functioning if somebody who wasn’t already valuable in some way did something like this, successful or no, and got caught/publicly exposed, the office they were trying to do a quid-pro-quo for would be turning a deniable/condemnable thing into an actual ethics scandal if they actually hired or had anything to do with the person. Especially since the state party has already announced an intention to investigate the UMass Dems over the incident, I don’t think Neal, who survived a competitive progressive primary challenge all things being considered, would be eager to explicitly make it a quid-pro-quo thing and risk galvanizing a national instead of a local progressive movement against him

That being said, I could be wrong, we could be past the point of them caring enough about optics to engage in historically necessary political ass-covering like this

[bondsmagii]

Hey dude. I have been reading the news as little as possible because I'm terrified but. Do you think we have a chance of surviving this, as a society? Given how history goes and all that. I trust this finds you in good health and if you don't feel comfortable talking about the Maybe WWIII, I totally understand. Best of fortune and have a great day.

truly? I have no idea, and I think that’s what scares me the most. both extremes seem so easy to gravitate towards: I can say “oh god it’s horrible and history is literally repeating itself and we’re all doomed!!” and that seems honest to god reasonable sometimes, but I can also say “no way, we can’t be this stupid as a species, it can’t possibly get that bad, I’m overreacting” and that seems reasonable sometimes, too. the constant oscillating between despair and hope is absolutely exhausting, especially as each option is both plausible and ridiculous.

if literal WW3 breaks out, no, we won’t survive it as a society. there are nuclear weapons now, and in the event of another world war I’m pretty sure they would be used. they were already used at the close of WW2, and since then there have been decades of nuclear tension -- someone will want to act first, before anyone else gets the chance, and once one country goes that far I’m sure others will follow. those people uh, lucky enough to survive the nuclear firestorm will die of illness and famine in the following radioactive wasteland that was once earth. WW3, in my opinion, would be endgame for humanity.

if this proceeds in the same manner -- i.e., a Cold War-esque era of tensions but no extreme action or outright conflict -- I think it’s redeemable. governments change, attitudes change. there will always be clowns in charge, but they’ll be clowns with different agendas. right now, the worst possible person is in charge of America. he’s inflammatory, he has no impulse control, he’s a complete sociopath with no concern for human life (especially not the lives of those different to him) and who is only focused on making money and was never for a moment qualified for the job of President. while no President has been perfect, his personality and his lack of intelligence makes him the worst person to be at the helm of a country during any kind of tense relations. he does not have a diplomatic bone in his body. once he’s out of office, and other people more qualified and who can at least pretend to be diplomatic are in charge, I doubt there will be this much tension. Trump has set a precedent with his attitude towards things -- I cannot imagine world leaders taunting one another on Twitter before him, and I can’t imagine it continuing afterwards.

I’m a historian, and I think that’s part of why this whole situation terrifies me. when you see the constant cycle of history always repeating in one form or another, it’s so easy to resign yourself to something that feels inevitable. what’s going on now is like some unholy mix of the leadup of WW2 and the tensions in the Cold War -- none of it is new, but the stakes are higher. but at the same time my studies have shown me just how quickly things can change. if we can get Trump out before he just pushes the button like he’s clearly been dying to do since he came into office, I’m pretty sure things can deescalate. I’m just terrified that won’t be what happens. logically we shouldn’t experience WW3, but at the same time, logic doesn’t mean much in politics these days.

and that’s what’s so fucking terrifying.

[thecomicsnexus]

TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES #21-25 JUNE - OCTOBER 1991 BY RYAN BROWN, DEAN CLARRAIN (STEPHEN MURPHY), BYRON VAUGHNS, GARY FIELDS, BARRY GROSSMAN, GENE COLAN, CHRIS ALLAN, BRIAN THOMAS, GARRET HO, JIM LAWSON, ROD OLLERENSHAW AND MARK PACELLA

SYNOPSIS (FROM COMIC VINE)

A U.S. spy satellite falls from its orbit and crashes into a pile of U.S.S.R. space junk, becoming entangled with a radioactive canister. The two fuse together in their descent towards the earth below. A man is watching the news in his cabin in the woods and becomes frustrated and angry with all of the reports dealing with mankind's effect on the failing environment. He lifts his TV set and carries it outside, where he tosses it into a garbage can - suddenly, he's struck with a blast of light and energy... Moments later, we see that the woodsman has been transformed. He's now some sort of hybrid between man, television and satellite! "What goes around, comes around," the creature states, "What comes around... goes around!" With that, the cyborg morphs into a ball of fiery energy and flies off.

The TMNT are working out in the sewers, still concerned about their missing brother, Raphael. Splinter and April are using the computers at April's news office to do research when one of O'Neil's co-workers arrives. Splinter hides while April has a joyful reunion with her friend, Malcolm, who thought she had been killed. The man asks April if she's investigating the reports of the fallen spy satellite, but O'Neil states that she's interested in something else. Malcolm politely excuses himself so April can get back to work. Splinter wishes to leave, and April sits at the keyboard to save her work - only to be pulled into the screen of the monitor by the cyborg! The Sensei tries to pull April free, but he's too late and is blasted by the satellite dude. Later, Splinter explains to the Turtles what happened. Donatello hacks into the news station's computers, attempting to trace where April was taken. Meanwhile, April is surprised to discover that her abductor is interested in having her interview him. The man states that he's about to destroy the world's communications systems - when April asks why, he tells her to grab her camcorder and he'll explain everything. The fellow stands and explains that he first wants to show people what's really going on in the world: starvation, disease and war - and then he'll shut everything down and force people to pause and think about what's happening - and then, together, humanity can do something about the problems. He hopes this plan will work so he doesn't have to do something more drastic - like using the nuclear waste within his body to irradiate the world's oil fields and rendering them useless for human use. April declares that his plan is madness, and the cyborg states that he is mad - and he's not going to take it anymore!

Just then, the TMNT come crashing through the window and battle the 'borg, who finally reveals his name to be Vid Vicious. Vid dives into a nearby computer monitor, with Donatello close on his heels. The two are transported to a bizarre dimension and begin to fight, as the others ponder how to rescue their brother. Suddenly, the Shredder arrives with a gang of Super Foot Soldiers! A fight breaks out, and Shredhead manages to download Vid and Don to disc before destroying the computer. With his prisoners in hand, Shredder escapes!

The Shredder makes his escape with the disc containing Vid Vicious and Donatello, leaving Master Splinter, Leonardo, Michaelangelo and April to look for clues. The Sensei notes that the best clue is the remains of the defeated Foot robots themselves. Noting that they've recently encountered another robotic Foot foe, the foursome heads to Chinatown to investigate the building that had housed the giant Foot robot.

Upon investigating the abandoned structure, our heroes find a matchbook from Acme Traps. Splinter notes that the Shredder is leaving them obvious clues and thus they are probably walking into an obvious trap - but they must save Donatello, so the protagonists head to the headquarters for Acme Traps. Meanwhile, the Shredder opens the disc containing Vid and Don. Vicious escapes by flying out of a window, and Donatello uses the distraction to attack Shredhead. Unfortunately the ticked off turtle is no match for Saki and his robot minions, and is quickly subdued.

The door to the Acme Traps building is unlocked, allowing easy access for Leo, Splinter, Mike and Splinterm, who proceed warily. They quickly discover that Don has been tied up and hung from the ceiling of the high room. There are three doors on the ground floor, and Leonardo, Michaelangelo and April head off to investigate them. Splinter sits and ponders why Shredder has only left three doorways for four foes, when he spots another route. Meanwhile, Mikey runs into some Foot robots and defeats them with ease while Leo and April discover that their doorways connected them to a circular hallway. After climbing a ladder and walking a scaffold, Splinter soon runs into Shredder and the two begin to fight. The Sensei leaps through a broken window to the structure's rooftop, with Shredder close behind him. The two old enemies exchange blows, but Shredhead wins the battle when Splinter's coat gets entagled with Acme Traps' billboard.

Shredder moves in to deal the killing blow, but a mysterious stranger arrives in a red cloak and kicks Saki's butt. Leo, Mike and April arrive on the roof and help Splinter down - and as they wonder who their rescuer might be, the red cloaked fighter reveals himself to be none other than Raphael! As everyone greets the fiery mutant, Shredder makes his escape.

The TMNT are enjoying Donatello's latest creation - a sewer hot tub. April decides that bathing in warm sewer water isn't anything that she's interested in doing and heads off to stand watch. Raph explains that Cudley the Cowlick brought him home after his outer space adventure with the Mighty Mutanimals. Meanwhile, in Dimension X, Krang discovers an unexpected ally on Morbus, the garbage world where he'd been banished to by Cherubae.

Back on Earth, April discovers an approaching intruder - who turns out to be Master Splinter. The Sensei tells O'Neil that it's time for her next lesson, and he admonsihes the TMNT. Splinter's not happy that his four mutant students are lounging about. The riled rodent orders the Turtles to get busy finding the Shredder before anything else terrible happens. Raph is happy to be proactive, but the Sensei reminds him that he needs to work with his brothers rather than on his own.

Slash demands that Krang help him find his palm tree - or die! The brainy alien quickly surmises the circumstances and promises to take Slash to a world filled with palm trees, and thus Krang has found his next minion. The two set off together and Slash explains that he was sentenced to a prison term on Morbus - as many other unsavory characters have been. The toxicity of the place usually kills prisoners, but some can survive in the environment. As the Turtles transverse the sewers, they come upon a group of men who are assembling a bazooka.

Back on Morbus, Slash and Krang spot a landing spacecraft. As the villains close to investigate, two armed guards escort a chained prisoner named Bellybomb off the ship. The guards read Bellybomb's long list of offenses and ask him if he has any last words before they abandom him on the toxic planet, to which the cosmic criminal replies, "You neglected to mention my unpaid parking tickets." Krang is most impressed with the toothy alien. The TMNT discover that the men in the sewer plan to use the bazooka to fire a missile through the street and into an armored car's vulnerable underside. The Turtles launch an attack on the would-be thieves.

Slash attacks the guards holding Bellybomb and the two criminals charge into the ship to battle the remaining law men. Krang looks on happily and as he crawls towards the craft, decides that it's time to find a new body. The Turtles easily defeat the well-armed bandits and tie them up, while the villains in Dimension X commandeer the prison ship and set a course for Earth.

Slash, Krang and Bellybomb are on their way to Earth when they decide to stop at a nearby planet and hunt for some lunch - much to their surprise, upon landing they discover Bebop and Rocksteady! The two complain about being bored and join the terrible trio on their trip to our planet.

Meanwhile, the TMNT are on a mission to investigate one of Shredder's numerous bases. As the Turtle boys arrive, they quickly discover that Shredhead is home - and a battle ensues. After a brief skirmish, Krang's spacecraft suddenly smashes through the ceiling and the Turtles are face to face with quite a motley crew. Slash, Bebop and Rocksteady attack the TMNT while Shredder slips away to investigate the spacecraft. Inside the ship, Saki finds Krang and Bellybomb, who gives Shredder a face full of mega-halitosis that knocks the ninja unconscious. The aliens lay Shredder on a table, and Krang proceeds to possess the man in a most disturbing manner.

Bebop and Rocksteady have taken to the streets and rob a pet store of its supply of food. The deadly duo then make their way to the zoo, where they apparently begin to fire their weapons upon caged animals.

Meanwhile, the TMNT are facing their worst (and weirdest) foe yet - the head of Krang on the body of Shredder! With little time to spend gawking at this oddity, the TMNT brace themselves for another attack by Slash, Bellybomb and the Krang-Shredder monstrocity. Early on, Raph entices Slash to run off in search of his palm tree, making the odds better for our heroes. Shortly, Slash finds a pet store and breaks the window to gleefully steal a small plastic palm tree.

Eventually the Turtles' teamwork enables them to get the upper hand in the fight. Raph rips Krang off of Shredder's body, while Mikey twirls his nunchukus and forces Bellybomb to get a giant whiff of his own toxic breath, thus disabling their remaining adversaries. Just as the Green Team is ready to celebrate, Bebop and Rocksteady arrive with a huge array of animals that they've freed from the zoo and level their guns at the Turtles. The TMNT drop their weapons as Shredder awakes. Saki relunctantly states that the Turtles saved his life and dejectedly walks off, but before he gets too far, Leonardo reminds his old foe that he owes the Turtles now. With is head bowed, Saki replies, "I know... I know." and disappears into the night.

Bebop and Rocksteady load the spaceship with their animal companions from the zoo, as well as Krang and Bellybomb, and head for outer space. The Turtles worry that both Shredder and Slash are on the loose again, and make their way back to the sewer.

Bebop and his partner drop Krang and Bellybomb back on the toxic waste planet before returning to the jungle world - which they've decided is home.

REVIEW

This was pretty much the end of this run in my country, so anything after this is new to me. This arc has been in my mind ever since, and each issue has something interesting. Sometimes for the worse.

The first chapter is perhaps the lowest point of the series thus far. With a villain that makes no sense, and even events that make no sense. The guy becomes super-powerful because a satellite fell on him, and he can do almost anything. Then he and Donatello get trapped inside a floppy disk (???).

But after that, things get better. An issue illustrated by Gene Colan (I didn’t realize this as a kid, probably because it was before reading all those Batman comics), then the issue with the cover of what was issue #1 in my country (which was actually issue #5).

The real deal here is Krang and how evil he can be. It is something I never realized by watching the cartoon, but the comic took him more seriously.

The sweetest thing is Slash, looking for his palm tree, something Krang took literally, but becomes very cute when he finally finds a toy palm tree.

To me this was the perfect conclusion for the run, and having just read the following filler episodes, I can imagine why.

There is a back-up story that will continue for a few issues about April and Splinter in Chinatown, I will probably talk about it when that story finally starts.

The purpose of this story is pretty obvious now, they wanted to make a distinction between this comic and the cartoon, the two were very different at this point. The most evident difference is April and anything around Channel 6. April is a better character in this comic than in the cartoon, and a character female readers could be interested in.

I give the story a score of 7.