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Before sending this really long message, I just need to know if there was anything else or anyone else you kept from me when we were together ?
You know, as I’m typing this message, my heart hurts... I’m sorry for bothering you when you were out with your friends, but I’m not sorry for the things that I said because it needed to come out. I know you care and you love me, but I also know that if you wanted to be with me, I wouldn’t have to convince you otherwise, you should just know that on your own. And right now, you don’t and I have to accept that. I have to accept the fact that I’m not a convenient part of your life anymore.
When we first became friends, I automatically saw your heart. And even if you didn’t want to admit it to me or to yourself, I knew that this big heart of yours was broken in different ways. Me, being the optimistic person that I am, wanted to help. And as we spent more time together, you annoyed me to no end and embarrassed me whenever possible. Which I later came to learn that this is how you show your love. I was thankful to have a friend like you, someone who I could be myself with and someone who even though I didn’t talk to all the time, had an instant connection whenever we hung out. We never missed a beat even though I was away most of the time. I remember all the late night talks and smoking sessions. Those late night food runs. It was a simpler time.
Fast forward to the night you kissed me. I freaked out and I didn’t know what to do and how I felt... I didn’t see it coming and I wanted to take the leap because there were a lot of things I haven’t experienced yet. I was like, hmm, let’s just try it and see what happens. There were nights I teased you, specifically I think on my birthday. So many nights spent at your house.
And then we finally starting doing ‘it’ and there were many nights in my car and in your car we spent together. Nights we would drive to the gas station to get condoms and playfully argue who would go inside to buy them. Again, simpler times.
I didn’t expect things to happen the way that it did. I didn’t think I had feelings for you until we went to our first rave together and you were dancing with Paula. Oh I remember you got mad at me because you had something going with her and that you weren’t going to turn your back on her for my comfort.
You introduced me to your friend group and that’s when I formed a bond with Paulo. Later on, met the rest of the squad, slowly but surely. That’s when my connection with them began.
2013 was the toughest year for me. Mentally, emotionally and physically. That was when we first started doing the dance of should we or shouldn’t we date/be in a relationship.
Your family got involved. I took Denise under my wing because I felt like I had a sister and she was the best buddy/companion. Your Ate Dawn was so young back then and she liked me too right away. Your parents liked me at first, but when we started doing our dance, they weren’t on board. And that broke me. I never experienced something like that and there were many tears. But I made the effort. Although there were times we would argue about it, I knew your family was important to you of course and I was going to keep trying until they saw me for ME. And I was successful in the long run. They are the best people.
I know you told me you weren’t ready for a relationship, but your actions said otherwise. We would talk about it a lot, but in the end, we decided to move forward. I didn’t mean to seem manipulative, I just didn’t know what to do either. Again, this was all new to me.
Your grandpa died and I wanted to be there for you, even if it meant facing your family. And that was the beginning of you finally deciding that yes, let’s give this a shot. A relationship. And of course I was on board. I felt seen, I felt comfort. Little did I know that this was only the beginning.
Then one night you told me you wanted to take a break or go back to just being friends. I was taken aback from it, but I agreed to your terms. When I was moving into my new apartment with my then closest friends, I snooped on your phone (which I regret) and I found out that not only did you fuck that stripper, you had a physical relationship with Mirelle. When there were many times you would tell me you guys hung out and that I could trust you... I was beyond hurt. I was crying in the bathroom, so ready to let go of this whole ‘relationship’. I was in disbelief.
I texted you early that morning and said I didn’t want to go to the rave with you anymore. That I was done and that you were going to be okay without me. You even urged me to talk to you in person at 5am in the morning, where I kept saying you would be okay without me... and you were sobbing in my arms...
Of course, we went to the rave together and we reconciled. You told me how you felt and we spent those two days together, just us. Nothing else mattered during that time and I felt safe again. I felt loved. I felt like we could get through anything at that point.
As we went through the motions, life happened. As time went on, you began to resent me for the things you’ve lost... you began to resent me for losing a good friend(s). And then it became little things, like you feeling trapped because of the way I would react to you wanting to do things without me... when in reality, I was insecure. I had such a low self-esteem already and I couldn’t understand why you couldn’t reassure me every step of the way.
There were many breakthroughs in our relationship. I remember when you started working at Curry Up now and I would visit you all the time... good nights in that basement. You would always feed me and I would do my homework or study while I waited for you to get off. I remember getting jealous of Jordan. And even Jade at one point...
I now understand why you take care of Jordan the way that you do... and I feel bad for the way I felt about her and how I may have treated her. She didn’t mean any harm and now whenever I see a post or any opportunity to uplift her, I do so...
There came a time where you were putting in all of the effort. Good morning and good night texts, texting me throughout the day sweet messages and reassuring me. I felt loved. I felt like finally he’s making the effort, but I got comfortable with that because I thought you were finally doing what you were supposed to and I deserved to be treated as such... so I didn’t reciprocate. And you noticed right away and was frustrated.
After that, you didn’t put in effort anymore. You were hurt and I admitted that I fucked up. Relationships are a two way street.
Then you started working for Apple. You met so many new people and started to experience new feelings and perspectives. I was proud of you. Finally you were doing something you were interested in. Another test in our relationship. You started hanging out with your coworkers and going out all the time. And I felt left out. Of course it’s okay for you to go out with your friends, but I was still insecure. Had a low self esteem and whenever I would try to express this to you, you would get defensive and mad. There were nights I would just try to sleep so that I wouldn’t be up overthinking of where you are and who you’re with. I was fucked up pretty badly and I had to learn to let go of the past mistakes and forgive Mirelle before we could really move forward.
You started hanging out with that one girl, Erica and I remember one day I was in class and you asked me about a three-some. And I was like wtf. We hung out with her and she made her presence known. She sat in the front seat when we smoked in your car in that random parking lot near Lake Merced. I was pissed. And then we even played Pokémon go at ocean beach and we had dinner with her. She was smug and acted like she knew you, I didn’t like her vibe. I really thought you guys were doing something behind my back, but I kept telling myself to trust you because I wanted to keep moving forward.
Then I graduated college and we had to make and adjustment of us being together all the time. During this time, I think you were going through your own personal struggles because you were even more easily angered, irate even. You were struggling to see if you wanted to stay with Apple full time. Oh how I wish you were more open with me with everything, which could have given me the confidence to share too... this was a pivotal time.
This was when Budz was born and I started bringing you around my cousins. My family who has always been there for me. They took me in like your family did and treated me as their own. There were a lot of happy weekends spent with them and babysitting dates. They instantly loved you. And my cousins too.
Ate Joyce and them have a tight knit family and so do you. And I love that. I wish my family was tight knit, but it took me awhile to forgive my mom for all of her mistakes... And I realized that I constantly was seeking validation and approval from you because that’s how I grew up... Constantly criticized and didn’t feel good enough.
Time progressed and we became stagnant. Complacent with where we were and having this sense of urgency within us to succeed and what the next step was for our careers...
Many birthdays, holidays and dinners spent together. Many years sleeping on that same couch together... many laughs and tears and fights. We made the most of what we had and we found happiness in small things.
Then you pushed me to move to Portland. Initially you wanted to move together and I was surprised because you still haven’t experienced moving out of your place. I accepted it and we made plans... Then one night we were coming back to your house and we were in the car parked and you said you weren’t sure anymore. That you didn’t want to take the next step because that would lead to a deeper commitment, marriage maybe and you recognized you weren’t ready for that. I agreed and said that I wasn’t ready for that either and I wasn’t thinking about marriage at all.. the furthest thing from my mind, but you made your mind up and I was faced with the decision on my own.
I kept going back and forth and you were pushing me to go. During this time too, I had to hear from Marie which she heard from Danny that you wanted to go on a break... Oh, we had many breaks throughout our time together. And after a period of time of not speaking, we would come back to each other and try to move forward. Many, many car talks.
I didn’t know what to do. You were pushing me to go and I ALWAYS gave you the benefit of the doubt, but now I see that there was always an element of selfishness behind it. I made the decision for ME to go because it was just such a good opportunity that I could not pass up. And even if I hated it, I could always come back and get a job anywhere with the experience I had. Win-win situation.
I moved here and we decided to break up because of the distance. Again, I didn’t break up with you because I didn’t love you anymore, but for the first time, we were thinking of things logically instead of letting our emotions drive our decisions. In the beginning, I tried to respect our time away from one another, but when I came home a couple months later, you said you missed me and we even got an air bnb to spend more time together.
I get it, it was new. And from then on, I had a reason to come home every month. You started to pull away and I was a bit taken aback, but I understood. We agreed we would give each other space and we weren’t doing that.. But so many great things were happening in your life that you wanted to share them with me and it felt like we were seeing eye to eye. Many great weekends together.. filled with fun and happiness. Day n Vegas.. that was a special time. But then we spent our last holidays together and I felt my sadness sinking in...
That time you visited me here in Portland, I was crying as I was packing your things because I just knew we were nearing some kind of end. You were pulling away and I felt it... Then February came and you told me you were dating someone else, I was SO hurt. I said that I needed to not talk to you anymore. I did that for myself and for you... I didn’t want to complicate things further and I didn’t need that drama in my life.
Then as you know we started seeing and talking to each other again. Things weren’t going well in your current relationship and I was an escape. A good escape. I came home for your birthday... even though I was hesitant because I wanted to be there for YOU. In some capacity, I know you needed me and you wanted to feel that comfort. And I did too.. I remember you telling me that you forget sometimes how effortless our relationship is and that got me thinking... it is. It’s natural and it was never forced, this connection.
Then recent events happened and well you were trying to juggle two girls... Like you wanted the best of both worlds, from my perspective at least. You weren’t honest and you told me things that I wanted to hear...
As we’ve walked through memory lane in this very long post, I want to be clear that this is not some ploy to convince you that you should be with me. This is a way for me to release everything so that I can finally move forward. As you know, I have a lot of feelings and Im sorry it’s all coming out now, but it’s important to me that it does.
I’ve learned so much from you. There were many times that I questioned us and questioned your love for me. Knowing what I knew about Rhea and how unstable you were... But every time I had to dig deep, I always came back to how far we’ve come and that I love you. I learned to love you unconditionally, flaws and all. I learned that I didn’t need you, but I wanted you in my life. So much so, I forgot to love myself and didn’t recognize that I needed to address and heal from the past in order to move forward.
The way I feel about you and the person that I believe you are has not changed. I still think you’re one of the best people in my life. A genuine person with a big heart, intelligent, resourceful, confident. The list goes on. As much as I love you, I know that right now we need to choose ourselves. And we need to live as if there isn’t going to be anything to come back to or else we would just be holding ourselves back to our true potential.
I think in some ways, we knew this was coming, but we held on as long as we could because I want to believe that you loved me that much...
I know you are choosing her, and you know what if that’s what you need right now, then so be it. She’s been there for you. I haven’t been, but you know that I am open and that no matter what happens, I will always be there for you. I will always show up for you, Vincent. And I have proven that time and time again.
Now this is your chance to be there for me. To support me and listen to me and play the role as my bestfriend. Just like how this all started... I want to work on our friendship and be able to move forward. I still think you hold value in my life and I think I can still learn a lot from you as you evolve.
I forgive you for everything and I’ve forgiven myself too. I hope that one day, you can forgive yourself. I hope one day you are able to love yourself so much that you won’t need another person’s validation and acceptance. And I hope that one day, you see what I see. That you are an incredible person and any girl from your past that couldn’t see that, couldn’t see how amazing you are, lost. Simply lost.
I hope that you find your purpose. Your happiness. This is the hardest thing I think I have ever done, but you know another reason why I stayed all this time was because even through everything, you didn’t break my spirit. My faith in the good never wavered. Yes you broke me in other ways, but I still believe in the good of people. The good in me. The good in you.
Whatever the future brings, just know you can lean on me. Maybe it will be in a different sense and our dynamic may change, but you know that you can always count on me. Our lives are so intertwined it is so hard to let go, but we must. We must move forward for the sake of one another.
I want to be there for you through your tough times, if you are willing to share. I want to be able to laugh and share new memories with you even if it means we are not together in that way...
Lastly, I am proud of you. Proud of the man that you are becoming and I know you are on the right path. I just hope that once you learn to forgive yourself and you KNOW better... that you DO better. We can be selfish and not hurt others in the process. I hope you continue to do what is right and strive to always be the best version of yourself. It’s a process and we will never stop learning as long as we are alive. You have grown so much and YOU did that! YOU! The decisions you’ve made around your career and the people you’ve chosen to surround yourself with... YOU did that. You are responsible for your growth and it brings tears to my eyes to see you thriving and investing in yourself. I always knew you could do it.
Understand that life is short. Love those that matter. Tell them you love and care for them. Be honest and open. Be genuine. Mean what you say and stick to your word and follow those words with action. Don’t go back with what you say and do something different. Be bold and be you. And if no one can accept the real you, then the hell with them.
Take risks. Be present when you spend time with others and just be present with yourself. Of course we need to think about our next moves, but we also have to be thankful for what we have now because the next day or month or year, things could be very different. Time is not on our side... So do your best to let go of the hurt and forgive people for their mistakes.
With the Nikolai thing, I pray that you reconcile. I know this is sensitive for you, but I just hope that you guys come back to each other in due time.
With the Rhea thing, as long as there’s no ring on that finger, there’s still a chance. And im not trying to put things in your head, but what’s meant to be will be. And you will never miss what is meant for you... Only time will tell.
I love you. I’ve built such a strong foundation with your family and they’ve taught me so much too about myself. I love them too. Thank you for reading this, thank you for being open and vulnerable when possible. Thank you for taking care of me, loving me and being a constant support in my life all of these years.
When I look at you, I still see your heart and that will never change. Continue to do great things, continue to be unapologetically, you.
If you ever want to talk about anything about the past, feel free to bring it up, if there’s something you want clarified. But I think I’ve talked so much and poured everything out once and for all.
This will be the last time that I talk to you about this. I don’t want to keep going back and forth with the past... The past is the past and this is our opportunity to move forward. And just remember the good memories.
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