#this doesnt make sense ah well
Explore tagged Tumblr posts
Text
Man i do like Downpour but it really is no Rainworld. This isn't "downpour is bad" post just a... passive thought on how Rain world really is a kinda lightning-in-a-bottle type game with the way it feels. I don't think you can intentionally capture that. Like its got something to it that can only exist as a something that emerges naturally rather than through emulation
#downpour is good but a very different flavor of good#like a dessert#its still good but its not the meal at all#its kinda hard to articulate my exact feelings on it (other than the things ive already said about what I feel with downpour) but like#i think theres just this thing you get with art and creation where the spark can only exist once and only results from doing something#a very specific and unbound way#and you can make something feel similar by looking and emulating and doing all sorts of things but youre not gonna get that same#*something* to show up through emulation and trying to match#its just that slightly unchecked and free feeling that comes from experiencing something that was made without rules in mind#downpour feels like rain world but doesnt *feel* like rain world#this doesnt make sense ah well
27 notes
·
View notes
Text
mira !!! :]
#isat#in stars and time#isat mirabelle#isat spoilers#<- due to act 3 optional content !#the img might be being chewed due to weird canvas size oops ah well#one of these miras is not like the other#one of these miras doesnt belong ASFASFSDAFA#a majority of these are based on things mentioned / that happen in the house cuz i thought itd be fun to draw :D#so like the wilting plant is from gardening room dialogue#the poster with ppl holding hands and sparkly eyes is (i think??) from some SAPSAPSAAP dialogue in one of the first rooms#i tried looking around ISAT to see if it's also in there too but couldnt find it so uh correct me if im wrong if thats NOT an exclusive LOL#side note the 2 in the poster are some old nuz ocs isatified ASDFASFA#funnily enough tho they are from 2 different games if they actually ever met they would hate each others guts i think. hmm...#however both are also the most qualified to help with promotional stuff so theres that ASDFAFA#mira looking at her bonding proposals is sorta on the tin but#the fact that she has like right next to her while she sleeps in her dresser makes me :(#cuz to me it potrays how much theyve been weighing over her cuz of how close shes been keeping them with her vs putting them on a bookshelf#or something idk if that makes sense i dont have proper words atm#but uhhh moving on chalkboard is from one of the optional events#which i think is! important!!! i dont think ive seen many ppl talk about it but!! yeah!#however i too do not have words on it atm but!!! yeah!!!! moving on for now!#the 'mira' that is really just the change god is ofc from the change god event :]#aaand ofc the iconic finish from mira towards the king#and then some misc miras with swords for funsies tbh ASFAFA#but yeah! i like mira a lot actually but as with many things i do not currently have many words to properly articulate *why*#all i know in my heart of hearts is that she is near and dear and special to me personally#one day. one day i will be able to gather my thoughts in a cohesive manner but that day. is not today!#anyway tag talk over :]
295 notes
·
View notes
Text
thinking about frank and sex (in a sad way)
#marvel#frank castle#the punisher#not as in about sex with him but like how hes portrayed in relation to it in the comics if that makes sense#hes just always so deeply uninterested not just in the women but the act itself too like#so many times hes like. not pressured thats the wrong word but like i can think of at least two times i saw#where the women just kinda. walk themselves into his bed. and hes like 'eh idk about this' but then just kinda does it anyway#like i imagine the writers intended for this to be like a cool guy thing yk like ah he gets so much action and he DOESNT CARE cuz hes COOL#but ME personally i cant help but read it like. god idk i dont want to say him letting himself get used and using them in turn#theres this expression 'going through the motions' that kind of feels right here but idk how to explain it#hes just so weird about it. every time. in my mind i cant imagine him ever really wanting it very much#like maybe to feel good sometimes but its never. idk am i making sense am i just saying shit#is he gay asexual missing his dead wife or just so so fucking traumatized and dead on the inside that his body is just an object now#so many fun ways to interpret this#<guy who is not having fun interpreting this#wish i could just project my thoughts into your heads so youd see exactly what i mean cuz i dont feel im verbalizing this well enough#god take a shot every time i say 'like' or 'just'. youll be off your face from this post only#i may be making shit up tbh idk the thought struck me out of nowhere while i was looking at the ceiling
21 notes
·
View notes
Text
I could write a three hour video essay on tutu and gender but I really love how a show in a genre that’s primarily targeted towards girls explores how expectations of masculinity can traumatize young boys.
This is shown with Fakir especially. While the text never explicitly attributes his behavior to his gender, his arc over the course of the show is quintessentially informed by toxic gender roles. This got long and I have a lot of thoughts so I'm gonna put it under a readmore:
Fakir has one unchanging goal for the duration of the show: he wants to keep the people he loves safe. But outside elements twist this motivation into an identity. He is suffocating under the weight of a person he has never been and can never be no matter how hard he tries to mold himself.
Much of his personality is likely a direct result of circumstance. We are shown multiple times that when he feels in his element he’s inclined to a gentle disposition (ie how he acts with Duck as a duck or with Raetsel). As a young child especially he appears earnest and naive, his already innate desire to protect blinding him to the cruelty of the world. However, this sweeter side is near overwritten by the cold, domineering personality that characterizes his early appearances in the show.
We can infer that without the trauma inflicted on him by the story Fakir would have retained much more of this gentler personality as he grew up. Instead, his desire to protect others is twisted and warped by fear, becoming a desire to control.
Even before having his life upended, Fakir wanted to to take the weight of protecting the entire town all upon himself. He sees a true hero as someone who stands on his own without help.
So how does this tie into gender? Fakir deliberately crushes his "weaker" side--the earnest, sensitive young boy in the favor of a tough persona. He particularly views emotions as a weakness. It's notable that in one of the most iconic scenes in the show, Fakir has a breakdown over someone seeing him crying. This simple display of human emotion is enough to completely shatter the image he has constructed for himself. Fakir's harsh, impossible standards for himself are rooted in toxic masculinity, in the idea that men--real men--are never visibly sad or scared.
Immediately after losing everything as a child, Fakir was given a new source of hope and pride: the role of the Knight. He, of course, built his whole identity around this role. The Knight, like the Prince is expected to protect others without fear. This can be read as analogous to how men struggle under the expectation to be the protectors and the breadwinners, expected to take pain and hardship upon themselves so those under their care may live a comfortable life. However, the story's knight is doomed from the start: a failed protector. Fakir is growing up under literal impossible standards. He's meant to give everything and crumble under that weight without achieving anything.
It's worth noting that the Princesses' roles are meant to revolve seeking affection from men while the men's roles are colored by violence. Contrast the Knight and Princess Tutu who are both destined to accomplish nothing and be forgotten: while Tutu gracefully dissolves into a speck of light, the Knight is gruesomely torn apart. Here, masculinity becomes inextricably linked to violence in Drosselmeyer's world.
For as long as Fakir tries to be a knight worthy of the story he is confined by a toxic gender role. A protector relies on the idea of a weaker subset of person--the protected. Even without malicious intent, this strips agency. Fakir ignores Mytho's wishes all for the sake of "keeping him safe." Likewise Duck doesn't' want Fakir's protection. In several episodes she begs him to give up on fighting and search for peaceable solutions.
Even though neither Duck nor Mytho ask for Fakir to fight for them he feels personally responsible for their safety to the point his entire self esteem rests on his ability to protect them. Despite his guarded exterior, two of the three times he breaks down crying are because Duck got hurt --due to his own incompetence in his eyes.
Fakir can only grow as a person when he stops placing everything on his own shoulders. For all he clings to the sword his real strengths are found outside of battle. He only saves Duck by opening up to her in his first display of willing vulnerability.
By the end of the series he has entered a genuine partnership with Duck. Rather than a one-sided relationship where he sees himself as her protector, he writes her story and trusts her to guide herself through it. This is in direct opposition to the masculine ideals he clung so hard to. The knight and the prince --his role models--are both meant to be self-sufficient in the original fairytale. Instead, Fakir is able to be a vulnerable boy who gets scared and hurt--and doesn't need to hide it--but has friends he can rely on when times are tough.
Fakir's arc doesn't involve him becoming more feminine, necessarily, but it does show him breaking free of the standards placed on his shoulders by toxic masculinity. He was never meant to be a fighter; that was an unfair role he was forced into. At the end of the show Fakir was achieved his freedom. He isn't a knight. He isn't a protector. He isn't personally responsible for the lives of those he loves. He's just Fakir.
#princess tutu#i wrote this long before the barbie movie came out and 'he's just fakir' has me giggling so bad#hes kenough guys#i dont know how much this is genuine analysis and how much is me stating the obvious but ah well#fakir hater gang dni this isnt for you /lh#tho i want to be clear im not saying hes not responsible for the shitty things he did because wah wah hes under pressure#im saying he sucks BECAUSE man has got a deeply unhealthy relationship with gender#anyways if you read this far ily#now for the most important part of this post:#i raise you trans girl fakir#im fuckin sleeby if anything doesnt make sense im sorry#lea talks
63 notes
·
View notes
Text
Ultraman Blazar's Salutations From Episodes 1-5 (ft. Bazanga, Leviera, and a sleeping Dorgo)
Episode 1 as well as the rest of the series can be found on youtube for free with eng subtitles and an eng audio track if that interests you
[Video description: Ultraman Blazar, a colossal grey humanoid alien with red and blue markings on his body, and blue markings on his face, performs his signature salutation in several different places and times. This salutation consists of raising his arms up to the sky in a circular motion, and bringing his knee up before stepping into a lunge and scooping his arms down and upward.
From episode 1, in a city at night, the camera watches from below, as Blazar performs his salutation and his markings flash red and blue. The shot cuts to a wider one, showing off the buildings and Blazar's opponent, Bazanga, a prawn-like Kaiju. After his salute, Blazar moves his hands into a guarded, fighting stance.
From Episode 2: Blazar stands against the bright blue day sky in a small fishing village, with much shorter buildings. He faces the camera directly as he does his salutation, and the camera zooms in on him as he does it and his markings flash red and blue once more.
From Episode 3: Blazar is framed in a head and shoulder shot and smothered in smoke as his colour time, a big round spot on his chest that is normally blue, flashes red. Once more he faces the camera as he does his salutation, before flying off, kicking up dirt in his takeoff.
From episode 4: The camera pans over a cityscape, with a highway at the front of the scene. Once more it is night time and Blazar faces off against a monster among many many buildings. The monster is Leviera, a sea-angel themed kaiju whose face is open to reveal flashing yellow lights as Blazar does his salutation from the side. Leviera is aggressively ready to go.
From episode 5: Blazar stands behind the sleeping kaiju, Dorgo, who looks mostly like a hill of dirt in this shot. He performs his salutation, and immediately begins to push the sleeping Kaiju back to its proper resting place. The shot switches to one of Blazar from behind, as he continues to push Dorgo back into place, among the green hills and mountains of the Japanese countryside. With a thump, Dorgo returns to his resting spot, and Blazar turns to face the camera as he jumps up into the air to fly away.
End video description.]
#captain eyebrows#fuck it. into the tag#Ultraman Blazar#this is rough but im gonna try to make it better#i want to have the series' worth by the time its over#ep 3 is his first post fight salutation. the special if it has one doesnt count bc its a recap. ep 6 doesnt have one (presumably bc its#Earth Garon but i still feel cheated out of one) ep 7 doesnt have one which makes sense bc 2 parter but still. i want these.#ep 8 is where the next part will begin if i have one of these for the next section. i might just wait until the series ends#depends on how i feel/when i remember ya know#okay now its time to whine#Blazar! Do more salutations!#that one article i reblogged says this act might be in reference to praying to a higher power for a good hunt#but ive been comparing it mentally to like. bowing before a fight with an opponent you know. a sign of respect a sign of a fight.#hell the fact that i call it a salutation is because it reminds of the yoga move sun salutation which isnt a fighting thing but is a#salutation. and blazars thing is about communication/trying to communicate#ah well. as usual hope i get more info on blazar asap#i love him so much <3
45 notes
·
View notes
Text
hmm. well i still cant really do promo posts can i. blinks. having no carrd or anything of the sort is freeing bc i dont have to worry abt too little or too much informstion but without one ppl will also probably assume im a freak or something bc i dont have info that says im not a freak readily available. i dont think my beahtiful windupaidoneus dot straw dot page will suffice
#feel free to check it out its incredibly nothing. but its everhthing also fuck you!!!!!!!#i jsut ah im bad at working out layouts & what info to include... all carrds ive had looked very ugly 👎#also idk im just not concerned with that stuff anymore what u see is what u get... i dont do discourse... yadda#i like making friends but im too much of an idgafer regarding the like tumblr social norms or whatever.....#dont rlly wanna bother w a dni bc to me its assumed u can gleam what kind of person i am based on the ppl i surround myself with#like whoever ud see my promo post rbed by is a good indicator of my own... stances ig... too yknow.....#if that makes any sense. but well anyway this doesnt matter
4 notes
·
View notes
Text
i think......we need another qsmp event like the eggs were people are motivated to join but arent forced to ............... 🤔 ... a bit of a #Cool Event...... but if anything itll be after new years (maybe a week after?)
Or new players
#idk idc BRING BACK POL!!!!!!!!#i think qsmp is in that fucking ...... Weird state smps usually go through#where stuff is still happening but it doesnt feel like its moving at all#which. Makes sense why the admin team is making the qsmp streams weekly#so i think having a change like new players could possibly have a good reaction? idfk anymor#Does rhis coung as crit. its nkt to me but. Idk#also i think itd be cool if they brought the player agency back by having them figure out stuff about the island itself or other groups tha#arent necessarily the federation#Ah well#overall i think yeah it couldve been better but the admin team + streamers HAVE been keeping the server alive really well#youve still got atleast a minimum of 5 active players everyday through out the day so like#its real good#specially the lore#but i can tell Why it feels like tyat#(specially to languages who have a few povs)
18 notes
·
View notes
Text
ARC V Month Day 19 - My Heart Beats 'Till Overdrive
Once again another late post for @arcvmonth lol.
I didn't think I'd post anything for this day, but I went through some of my a-lil-old drawings on paper and thought of perhaps using them (even if they ain't that good yet :P)! Tho I aint sure if these count... Anyway!
(Its not that long but just to be safe—)
—
1. Random doodles of Yugo & Rin as cats :3 (might redo these one day)
2. Yugo doodle (& eye practice kinda!)
3. Rin's D-Wheel/Runner concept (its terrible lol).
First is the original and the second's a trace and colors. Some redesign attempts at the bottom (which is unfinished btw. I just have up after a while XP). Oh & get ready for some much WHITE (the bg is plain white so if its dark get ur eyes ready).
I apologize for the mess & unproportional-ness ^^'
The new color schemes sposedly like gold & bluish, but im not sure yet. Old one is green & blue bc of Windwitch Winter Bell.
Anyways uve reached the end of the post! I apologize for not posting much as of late :p
#arcvmonth#arcvmonth2023#rin arc v#yugo arc v#should i tag as appleship? i aint sure#arc v#yugioh arc v#01's doodles#damn that runner sucks XD#but i tried ¯\_(ツ)_/¯#wait i just noticed cat!Rin's belly color doesnt make sense... ah well
16 notes
·
View notes
Text
thinking about that time i was asked "who molested you for you to turn out this way" on here. something something that action had consequences
#dolly gross posts#internally for me it did anyways#me when the repressed memory resurfaces. its fine. its fine. its fine. its fine.#at leastnow when i think abt it its like. ah okay. that happened to someone else and not me so its ok.#and i simply ignore the fact that it happened to my body. it doesnt matter. yay <3#also im still not fully convinced that what happened to me was in fact molestation. shrugs#its like 'well they were also a child so it doesnt matter or count' and 'it isnt that big of a deal even though it very much feels so'#they should invent childhood experiences for me that dont make me feel like i have to preface everything i say with#'okay so heads up this is probably heavy and weird and will sound venty even though i dont really mean for it to'#also. idk. ill probably delete this later#because i swing wildly between being like#'this is something unfortunate that happened to me as a kid but i dont really care and it doesnt really matter'#and#'if i think about this i will want to eat glass & cry & cry & cry & cry & cry & cry and mourn who i could have been had it not happened'#they should invent someone i can talk to about this without feeling like i am lying or a bad person or making things up for attention or#making them uncomfortable or feeling like they dont understand#idk. i need to go psychoanalyze myself so i can make sense of how i think#this needs a cw probably#cw vent#cw molestation mention#i guess#shrugs
5 notes
·
View notes
Text
listening to the Sacred Documents (BJTM soundtrack) while out on a walk earlier and i realised that i missed a golden opportunity to make the lady who comes round with a pie and gets possessed in That Beautiful Sound into Caroline (gossipy bakery owner) in The Dead Should Stay Dead
#that would have been SO GOOD#like it would make more sense for her to be really suspicious of BJ then#because even though she doesnt recognise him#shes still freaked out by the haunted house experience#and theres something familiar about BJ#ah well#wouldnt make sense to introduce it now#so everyone please just know that i thought of this#(way too late but still)#beetlejuice bway#beetlejuice broadway#beetlejuice#beetlejuice the musical#beetlejuice fanfic
3 notes
·
View notes
Note
SO!
Pretty good show honestly. I think it may perhaps come off a little underwhelming compared to last time because they released the full trailers early, so it was chiefly just talking, but I was still pleased.
The only thing I really wanted out of it was one (1) of my predictions coming true and one (1) surprise, and well, between the Watase Family and Nishitani...... THREE!!!!!, that's exactly what I got. Kiryu looking up at the sky like he's struggling to remember who he (allegedly) proposed to is hilarious though same energy as Jo not remembering Ikumi's name ghdshgkdhf the exchange kind of reminded me of Ichi talking to Arakawa as well... the "don't say it in the past tense" one you know the one...
Also next summit in September so that'll be a lovely birthday present :) For Me :)
Also x2 I love seeing which of my asks you decide to reblog. Whether it's because of the actual ask or because of my commentary it always feels like a win (<- normal to want and possible to achieve)
even if Considerably underwhelming, what information's been given IS causin a lotta buzz right now so !!! pretty successful summit in some regards ( ❁´◡`❁;;)
i just wish we got to see LAD8 gameplay, that's probably the only thing i really wanted but i guess there is still the fall summit (and for your birthday's sake i hope it's a real banger one)!
#snap chats#BEEN TRYING TO REPLY TO THIS ONE FOR LIKE HALF AN HOUR NOW IM SO SORRY VLEKVKJ#i was still on the call with my friend so i couldnt think straight and i wanted to give this my full attention when responding#anyway. i dont think i have to say anything about the conversation between ichi and kiryu#mostly cause ive already been doin that with the other asks huh ☠️#DEFINITELY probably The Main Attraction to everyone tonight... so mysterious... def leavin me confused LMAO#but SO true love how ichi freely assumes arakawa was bangin back in the day but with kiryu he's like Oh God Prob Not#and i mean. is he entirely wrong ☠️#which is what makes kiryu's response all the more funnier 'been around the block' at max you got three girls#one of them arguably being your sister and the other was a mole and the other one yall separated on agreed terms#WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT SIR. he caught on proposing cause he wasnt ever with anyone long enough TO propose ☠️☠️#AH AND i actually like most- if not all- the asks you answer if that's anything :)#my main's shadowbanned so it probably doesnt show up but i always do enjoy reading your commentary or responses to people#i feel awkward rbing asks since For Some Reason in my head that's. Illegal#but sometimes there ARE topics i really wanna leave a comment or ramble bout for one reason or another#absolutely flattered it's considered a win tho cause thats how i feel whenever i see you like or rb any of my posts fjaLKJLKJA#cause yk... in a general sense im very bland or just outright foolish SO it's always cool when you enjoy my posts ♪(´▽`)#esp when theres so much love and thought in yours- its very cool is what i can say in the Utter Most Simplest of terms#terms i have to use cause my hands starting to hurt from all the typing owie ow ow ow(;´x`)#ill leave with saying HOPEFULLY for the next summit i can stream it... my mic worked well with my call with my friend SO#it's def ready for. whatever i got in store ok my hand REALLY hurts now i gotta cap it (;´д`)
4 notes
·
View notes
Text
Shout out to my poor poor friend who keeps sending me video game songs trying to pin down my music taste like oh buddy I'm so sorry but Penny's battle theme is so small beans compared to the stuff I listen to
#rat rambles#listening to it did make me kinda sad I dont like it more tho#it has a rly cool opening and I love the beat but its just too electronicy for my taste unfortunately#it also doesnt carry that thump like neat from the beginning for all of it which is another reason the full thing let me down#can you smell the b&w fan on me yet lol#but yeah I dont generally listen to a lot of video game music except for like. a few splat tunes#well ok Ill listen to certain soundtracks if Im in the mood but if Ill rarely add them to my main playlist#I am having fun watching them try to get a sense of my music taste tho even if I know its a doomed mission djdnfjdv#I can feel them underestimating me soooo bad maybe one day theyll just send me a video of screams and a drawer full of pots and pans being#spilled all over the place and then Ill be like ah yes a true banger#tbf I do listen to other stuff too its not Just noisey shit but that has less of a trend to it I think#like I have to train myself to like a lot of slower songs loud shit just hits#and hey Ill even occationally listen to more low key breakcore stuff#not a lot mind you I tend to actively dislike a lot of low key ~relaxing~ breakcore but I digress#go listen to faith and suspicion by autonon its soooo unit swap kanade core#it has such a strong vibe and manages to be not that intense while still holding its weight and not feeling flat#I wouldnt call it a favorite of mine but it is good and I rarely skip it in playlists so thats smth at least
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
love her and her greasy vibe
#greasy dumb art tag#sona: venomstory#stupid dumb dummy. the her. and her alien#this one blames any and all vaguely attracted to women thoughts on the symbiote. btw#'ah. i see. you are a gay alien. therefore you are making me think gay thoughts.'#sound logic. i guess#better than nate who insists that his entire life he was straight because#'well yes i was with a woman before i was out of the closet. but also i was a man all along so its was straight'#theyre all a little. yeah. metas normal in the sense she just doesnt think about any of it. girls got better things to do
9 notes
·
View notes
Text
@pretty-pony I think s3 might work. Either you squeeze it into a pocket between Neverland and the new curse, or - and I think that would work even better - in the witch-hunting arc. Like. The whole season is made for a fake dating plot, obviously, but fake dating like this?? Revolutionary. I would love to see it!
been seeing this tag on ao3 called “mutually unrequited” and i dont mean to nitpick but like….thats not…..what it means…………..
#like listen#henry makes an off-hand comment about the way regina looks at emma#which gets emma thinking#and like listen regina has been through a lot lately#and she so desperately wants to be near henry as well so#it just makes sense#its .. a kind gesture reqlly#meanwhile regina hears about the walsh disaster#and is like. ah. oh. oh honey#and like emma is doing so much for her#coming back#letting her see henry#and the poor woman deserves some good memories (dates) just to yk regain some self confidence#and regina is trying to redeem herself right so it only makes sense#besides better her than the pirate who surely doesnt have emmas best interest at heart#soooooooooo yeah#one witch stakeout feels like a date and they both just sorta run with it#and its walks in the harbour and then its drinks because emma has to get out of the loft just for an evening please give her a break#and then its dinner#and theyre both aware that they have to stop this eventually before they genuinely hurt the other person because thats not the plan#but like they find themselves enjoying the company and the talks and maybe theyre a little afraid of going back to hating each other#if they break it off now yk#so it just escalates from there and with the charmings looming on the left and the pirate on the right and henry pressing and wondering#it feels like theyve built a lie so elaborate that its kinda hard to get out of now and again THEY ENJOY IT SO MUCH#and then the time travel thing acts like a catalyst for them getting over the idiocy and just yk fuck it out or whatever#and then the last couple of lines is like 'cant believe i was about to miss out on this' and like 'what are you talking about'#and then they solve the mystery and laugh a lot and love a lot and the end <3#sq
96K notes
·
View notes
Text
i caught ligma :(
#my tattoo has some red bumps next to it#ive been washing it good and taking good care of it#meticiously i would dare to say#but alas i still have contracted ligma#in all seriousness idk what it is or why its happening#its only a few little bumps outside the balloon and near the string#which i looked it up and it said red ink can do that#so im like hrm#my last one didnt have this problem and its considerably larger tho with about the same anount of red#ah well. it doesnt hurt and doesnt itch im assuming i just over lotioned and im getting pimples#aquaphor is greasy as hell so it would make sense#so im gonna lay off on the lotioning for today and see if that helps#also going to slightly annoy my tattoo artist with my pinterest board#(she suggested i do that so im not actually annoying her)
0 notes
Text
woke up feeling ruffff but took my meds and went back to bed for a while n I feel a bit better
#only slept 4 hrs yesterday so was rly hoping to get a solid nights sleep today bc i probably won't tonight....#but i didnt sigh. but my options are either to plough thru w today and make myself do this even tho i dont rly feel like it#or cancel plans and stay in and mope which will inevitably turn into self harm so rly the latter is a non option lmao#its all okay ill get into the swing of things n have a good time once im thereee#and i always knew i was gonna feel a bit like this like its an open wound for me i just need to be careful not to touch it#bc how i feel isnt based in reality its just insecurity n vulnerability n ik it can take months to fully recover from a previous episode#and part of the recovery process needs to involve facing potentially triggering situations instead of avoiding them#bc otherwise ill get increasingly worse bc its not possible to always avoid and ill be defenceless again when it does happen again etc#like its part of rebuilding my sense of self n confidence n hopefully i can eventually start to trust other ppl again n lower my guard#bc it sucks being contorted into this defensive pose all the time and i would like to allow myself to feel genuine connection w others !!#and to stop instinctively flinching and waiting for the hit im tired of my mind telling me ppl r lying + trying to hurt me when theyre not#im being a bit dramatic like i am doing a LOT better than i was a few weeks ago. n i def can handle this one#and the risk of triggering myself is much much lower anyway in this specific situation. so long as theyre not hiding shit from me again#i can think of several ways that risk could skyrocket n unexpectedly spiral out of my control n it makes it hard to breathe just imagining#but i need to believe that it wont. so if-no WHEN it doesnt then next time ill have proof that i can navigate it n i wont feel so anxious#it makes me laugh how stupid this is from an outside perspective. my brain causes me so much weird n 100% unnecessary distress#but its the only brain ive got n will always have so i need to work with it!!#anyway all that aside i genuinely am rly looking forward to this afternoon!! ive rly wanted to start doing more nice things for myself#n the fact it coincides w missing smth that could incite my rsd is kind of for the best even if it is making me anxious#i cant let my life revolve around anticipating how ppl might upset me n basing my decisions off minimising that damage#n while it would be nice to have company.. well ik its just as fun going alone bc ive done it before! n i need a reminder of that#ah im gonna turn myself in circles if i think much more. i dont need to justify anything#i hope they have a nice time and i hope i have a nice time and i hope that eventually someday we can have a nice time together instead#of separately. and i hope that someday ill feel included and wanted by other ppl and wont be posting on tumblr every time this happens LOL#this comes across like im saying i need to learn how to enjoy my own company or whatever but i prommy i already do..#what i actually need to learn is how to trust n enjoy the company of ppl i care abt without constantly being scared theyll hurt me....#but thats not happening today cuz i got other plans woooo OKAYY im gonna stop ruminating and get some chores done sjdkfh#.vent#<- well not rly a vent bc its not like im channelling feelings here im just rambling bc i have a lot on my mind. but still#this is prolly incoherent i keep putting my phone down and doing other things and then adding another thought LOL
0 notes