#this doctors office called me up like hi we sent you an email with your balance due and the payment link and now it's overdue

[gaysails]

one thing about me is I love to mail the billing department a check. another thing about me is I love to insist on paper statements for my records. no I will not interact with your online portal grow up

[cherriegyuu]

lens of ice | yjh | one

pairing: jeonghan x f!reader genre: figure skater jeonghan, light angst, a little fluff, smut in the next part word count: 12k summary: jeonghan has only one chance left to make it to the olympics. as he embarks on this decisive journey, you, a documentarist, are set to follow him as he seeks the ultimate glory. warnings: jeonghan is kind of reckless with his body a/n: i've been writing this one for so long now and though it's not finished yet, i decided to post half of it, as a way to motivate myself to finish it. i really wanna thank @ressonancee first for giving me idea and second for helping me through all of this and putting up my crazy ass mind 💓

part one | part two (final)

The light buzzing of the fluorescent lights made him uncomfortable, it was like a premonition of what was to come. Something bad, he was sure.

Jeonghan was many things in his life, stubborn perhaps being the most obvious one, but dumb wasn't one then. He knew that his ankle was fucked up, that he was probably the cause of it. Too many hours of training, never giving himself enough time to heal before he got the ice again. He didn't know exactly how bad it was, that was for the doctor in front of him to say, but Jeonghan knew that nothing good would come out of the man's mouth.

"It's worse than I thought," the man said with a sigh, taking off his glasses "It's not just your ankle anymore, it's also your knee. And, I could be wrong, but considering the way you're walking, I'd say that you're right ankle also started to bother you"

Jeonghan hung his head. He was an athlete and he knew that he was being reckless, beyond actually. He should have gone to his coach the second he felt a sharp pain in his ankle. But he just went home, took an ice bath, and kept the whole thing to himself. Even on the following days, when the pain didn't go away at all, he still chose to keep his mouth shut and go to practice every day. And his coach, unaware of his condition, kept pushing him during practice. 

Not that he needed anyone to be harsh on him, Jeonghan did all of that on his own. But having someone else do that for him as well brought out a different desire for perfection. One that came from a dark place to show someone else that he was good, to prove people wrong.

"Can I still compete?" was all he asked, it was the only thing that mattered to him "Can I make it to the Olympics? It's the last one for me, after this I retire"

The look on the doctor's face wasn't reassuring, Jeonghan knew that his next words wouldn't be the ones he wanted. He wasn't about to hear what he needed.

"If, and only if, you have surgery, take physical therapy seriously, and rest as we instruct you, there might be a possibility. Small, but it exists" 

"When can I have the surgery?"

You stared at your computer screen, a hand on your forehead as you read the email your boss sent you. You sat at your desk, not really knowing what to do.

"Seungkwan!" you called without looking up "Did you get this email too?"

Just to make sure that you weren't crazy, you read it once again. The third time in less than five minutes. No matter how many times you read it, it didn't change.

"Yeah. I'm excited but scared…"

That was enough to get your attention.

"Why?" 

Closing your laptop, you stood up moving closer to Seungkwan. Unlike you, who read the email many times, Seungkwan had already started his research. Not that he really needed to, everyone at the office knew that he was a huge fan of figure skating. So of course he would know all about Yoon Jeonghan.

The nation's pride and joy in figure skating, at least in the make category.

"Why scared? I thought everyone loved him"

It was impossible to look away from the picture Seungkwan had open on his computer. Jeonghan's face really was something else, as if he had been carved in marble by some ancient Greek artist. From his dark hair covering his eyes, giving him almost a mysterious vibe, to the way his lips were slightly crooked into a smile. You had to give it to him, the man was absolutely stunning. No wonder he left a trail of fans everywhere he went.

"He isn't the biggest enthusiast when it comes to the press. He barely gives interviews so I guess doing a documentary about him won't be easy"

Seungkwan kept scrolling, reading the latest news on Jeonghan. But the truth was that there wasn't any. His social media was also rarely updated, the last post was from months before.

"Well, good luck to you"

"What do you mean? You're the one in charge"

You just shook your head. The problem was Jeonghan honestly, you barely knew anything about him, though Seungkwan's words didn't help the case. The thing was that you barely knew anything at all about sports, in general, much less about figure skating. Lack of knowledge was an easy fix. The real issue was the fact that a documentary on a sport was way too different from what you usually did.

"I'm not doing this one. I have other projects I want to work on. Plus, this is too sudden. They want us to start tomorrow, Seungkwan. Do you really think that it's possible to have anything done by tomorrow?" he shook his head and you nodded in agreement "Precisely, so I'm sure that if we talk with Jihoon…"

"Nothing will change" 

A curse left your lips at the sudden voice behind you. Turning around you faced the small man. Jihoon had his arms crossed over his chest and the look in his eyes that told you that no matter what he wouldn't let you off the hook. Still, you had to try.

"Jihoon, I'm not your sports person. And it's too soon. I don't anything about Jeonghan or figure skating"

Jihoon simply shook his head at you.

"They want a different approach than the average sports documentary, so I recommended you. I'm sending Seungkwan with you because I know this isn't your area of expertise, though I highly suggest you do some sort of research" he turned around to leave with a wave of his hand then turned around for a second, as if remembering something "Hansol will be your camera and sound guy. They asked for a small crew"

With a salute Jihoon left.

"Fuck"

You couldn't take your eyes away from the crutches under Jeonghan's arms and the orthopedic boot around his left leg. There was not a single article that pointed to surgery. There were plenty about his constant injuries though. Seungkwan had the same look on his face, of pure shock. 

"Are you okay?" you asked once he made himself comfortable on the couch.

Jeonghan sat sideways on the couch, his leg propped up over cushions. The position looked weird but he didn't seem to mind.

"Ah, this" he pointed at his leg nonchalantly, as if it was the most normal thing "Yeah, it's okay. Had to get the surgery done in order to make it to the next Olympic"

Nodding, you looked around. His apartment wasn't as big as you had expected. In fact, the three of you stood closely together in the living room, a bit too small for all the gear Hansol said he needed.

"Put your things down, let's talk. I don't know how this is going to work"

Me neither, you wanted to say but kept your mouth shut. Thankfully, Seungkwan was there to help you.

"Before we start any real interview or conversation, I think we have to tell you that this was very last minute for us. We only heard about this documentary yesterday, in the middle of the afternoon" he used his kindest voice, his voice laced with concern and a hit of fear, maybe "yn is in charge, she's the documentarist, she'll be asking the questions and dictating the overall direction that we're going to take with the documentary. I'm Seungkwan and that's Hansol. This is the smallest crew he could assemble"

Seungkwan was giving too many explanations, you felt. But he also wasn't wrong. What he did was normal, he was just introducing the crew. Maybe you were a little irritated by the way you were tossed into this job, without someone giving you enough time to prepare. Sixteen hours were barely enough.

"I assume my… reputation has gotten to you," Jeonghan said, a small smile on his lips.

A reputation he had indeed. Jeonghan was known for not liking the press and journalists. He avoided them at all costs and once, on one occasion, was seen being rude. And honestly, you had to give him a pass for it. Pushing the camera away from his face, almost delicately, could barely be considered rude at such a moment. There were way too many cameras around, all of them on his face, trying to get some sort of pronouncement on why he had not made it to the podium. 

And that had been years before but people still remembered him by that one moment. But what exactly did they expect? He underperformed, came in fourth place, and injured himself in the process. Was anyone expecting a happy and bright Jeonghan? 

"You can be comfortable around me. A conversation like this is fine. I just don't like being swarmed" 

Though his words were inviting, his face told a whole different story. He clearly didn't want this documentary.

"All of our interactions will be recorded," you told him, not leaving room for arguments on his end "These first few minutes aren't, out of courtesy and so that we can set our goals. I need to know if you're uncomfortable with anything, or something that you don't want to be filmed, either right now or before we turn the cameras on. Once we start, we won't stop"

Jeonghan adjusted his position on the couch, his eyes never leaving you. It was like he was measuring your every move. He didn't like your tone, and how aggressive you were towards him. 

"I know this was last minute and I apologize for that. This is going to be my last run and, as much as I hate to admit, I'm a bit sensitive to it.

With furrowed eyebrows, you nodded. Jeonghan knew that you didn't believe him or that you cared about his reasons. He knew that the sole reason you were there was because someone made you. 

"Will you need to film my family?" 

"Yes, usually film family members to get a complete idea of someone's life" 

Turning around you nodded at Hansol, telling him to start setting up. With a shake of his head, Seungkwan moved to help him.

"I don't want my family to know the extent of my injuries. So if you only want them for context, to know about me as a child, that's fine. But they can't know anything about this" Jeonghan pointed at his leg "I've been hiding this for a very long time and I'd like to keep it that way"

You dropped your bag on the couch, eyes tired and mind filled with one too many thoughts. The day had been easier than you expected, far more so. 

Based on Seungkwan's words you had expected to fight with Jeonghan in a way. It was a documentary so you needed him to talk and talk he did. There was no question unanswered or dodged, all of his answers were precise and consistent. All of it had sounded fake like he had rehearsed them a million times.

Even if you thought that your question had been good, and had caught him off guard, Jeonghan seemed to be fully prepared for it. He didn't hesitate for a second. 

In the few hours you spent around him, you finally managed to understand the fascination most people had with him. He was handsome, yes, but that was just the very basic and surface level of him. Beyonce that he was also good with his words. It was hard to tell that he was lying because he talked with conviction. After just one interview you were sure that if one day Jeonghan decided to tell you that your mom wasn’t actually your mother, you’d somehow believe him.

And the man knew all of it. He was aware of his beauty and charm, of what it did to normal people, and he used it in his favor. Jeonghan knew that most people couldn’t resist a handsome talented man. And that was a part he was all too willing to fill.

“Yeah,” you answered your phone, not bothering to see who it was, certain that it was just Jihoon.

“How was it today?” he sounded just as tired as you felt and you couldn’t help but wonder if he was okay.

“Fine”

“Just fine?”

You turned on your back, facing the ceiling, or at least whatever you could see with the lights turned off - not a whole lot, to be honest.

“He lied through his teeth today. There was no manager, and no coach around, though I do remember him saying someone would come. The person never showed up” you sighed “Seungkwan hates and Vernon probably thinks I’m a crazy bitch. So yeah, just fine”

Jihoon laughed on the other side of the line and you felt the little butterflies in your stomach come to life. You rolled your eyes at yourself. How pathetic it was of you, to have a crush on your boss. How very much bland of you.

Growing up, like a lot of girls that were influenced by way too much TV, you had wanted the be the odd one out. The I’m one of the guys kind of girl, or the one who refused to wear any kind of makeup or even come close to the pink because that was just girly for you. And now there you were, in love with the color pink, finding excuses to wear pretty dresses, and having a crush on your boss.

Teenage you would throw eggs at your head if she had the chance.

“Okay, but how was Jeonghan?” Jihoon pressed even further.

You sighed and closed your eyes, covering over face with your hand.

“He was polite, answered all of my questions, had a pleasant smile the entire time, and only asked for a bathroom break while we were there. Offered us food and drinks. He was fine” you said again, emphasizing the fine.

You could picture Jihoon, nodding his head and looking at the floor, probably thinking of what to ask next.

“Why would Seungkwan hate you? And why would Vernon think you’re a bitch?”

“Seungkwan thinks I went too hard on Jeonghan and Vernon just trusts Seungkwan’s judgment and goes with it”

Jihoon laughed again and you heard him moving around.

“Classic yn, going at someone while she’s angry. At least your anger was sort of directed to the right person”

“What is that supposed to mean?” you sat up.

You liked to think that you didn’t act that way all the time. In your mind, most of the time, you were able to hide your anger and just play nice like your mother had taught you to be. Jihoon’s words told a completely different story.

“Have some rest, there’s still a lot of work to do. Tomorrow you’re going with him to rehab, right?” Jihoon paused for a second and you heard a female voice in the back, you couldn’t make out what she said but you were sure of who it belonged to “I have to go. We’ll talk next week”

The line was disconnected and leaned back on the couch again. The problem of having a crush on your boss was also the fact that he had a long-time girlfriend and soon he was supposed to be marrying her.

You groaned, wondering if you had gone far enough that there was no going back from this crush.

You sat across from Jeonghan once again, the position exactly the same as the first day. But this time you chose to be less irritable.

The other day you were frustrated because you had to give up other projects to be able to accompany Jeonghan and that, thinking rationally, had nothing to do with him. He asked for a specific documentary filmmaker profile and you were chosen by the studio. Maybe it was more your fault than his. But it was also a no-return kind of situation. The job was assigned to you and there was nothing you could do to change it. So the least you could do was do your best and pray that it didn’t take a turn for the worse.

And, if anything, the conversation with Jihoon helped you focus on work. It wouldn't be the first time you were doing something you didn't want to do and it certainly wouldn't be the last. So you decided that the best thing to do was just work, showing your professional side that had been left aside before.

Jeonghan looked at you the same way, eyes serious as if he was ready for a new attack.

"Thank you," he said to Vernon, who had just placed the microphone inside his jacket, so that he could pick up the sound well, but it was not visible to the camera.

You turned to Seungkwan and Vernon, waiting for confirmation from the two that you could begin. You received a wave from each of them after they checked that the cameras were on and recording.

You took a deep breath and turned to Jeonghan.

"I wanted to apologize for yesterday," you said "I wasn't fair to you. I was irritated by things that had nothing to do with you, but I somehow decided that they did"

Everyone in Jeonghan's living room seemed to hold their breath, you included. You didn't know what to expect from Jeonghan, not really. You had been anything but ungracious with him, in a way that to most people meant that any door between you two had closed.

Jeonghan decided, at that moment, that he had two options: a) he could let the previous day dictate how all interactions between the two of you from then on would be, and it would be many months of a bad relationship that would bring no benefit to anyone involved in it; or b) he could accept your apology, which seemed sincere enough, and let go of the discomfort he felt.

Option b was actually the only possible choice.

“Okay” he finally smiled “my reputation isn’t the best, either way”

Seungkwan and Vernon breathed a sigh of relief. It was as if a huge gray cloud had moved away and the weather was beginning to clear.

“No, your reputation had no influence. I was the one who lost my hand because of my problems and for that, I apologize” you said and you were sincere in your words “But Jeonghan, I need you to stop seeing me as your enemy. I need you to be honest with me.”

You hoped Jeonghan could understand what you were saying.

“You think I wasn’t honest?” he tilted his head as if analyzing you.

“In the same way that you don't want your reputation to affect the way I see you, I need you to not let the way you see other journalists affect the way you see me. I want to tell your story, however you want it told, but I need you to be honest with me.”

You hoped Jeonghan could understand what you were saying.

He was silent for a minute, his eyes fixed on his hands. His hair covered his face, so it was hard to get an idea of what was going through his head.

You looked at Seungkwan, seeking confirmation that you hadn’t been rude. He seemed to be as lost as you were, but the small smile he gave you was enough to make your restless heart rest for a second.

“What if I say something and regret it later?”

It was the first time Jeonghan looked insecure and it was a strange sight, but much more realistic than the other version of him.

“We can edit it, it’s not a problem. I said that because I was angry” you said apologetically once again.

“Can we throw it all away and start again?”

Jeonghan smiled and you had no choice but to smile along with him.

“Let’s start with what’s happening now,” you said, folding your legs under your body, notebook open to a blank page and a pen ready to take notes “You underwent surgery not long ago, right? Why?"

Jeonghan took a deep breath, eyes closed for a second before placing all his attention on you. His gaze was almost too intense. You had to force yourself not to look anywhere but at him.

“A few years ago I fell during training and twisted my ankle. At the time, it wasn't a big deal and if I had stayed quiet for a few weeks, and did everything right, I wouldn't have had any problems. But I couldn't do it, I was preparing for a competition. I didn't tell anyone about the problem and just endured the pain. When I participated in the competition I fell again and that only made the situation worse. Today I have a problem with my ligament and tendon.”

With every word that left his mouth, you felt like a lump was forming in your throat, and with every second it was getting bigger.

Unlike the day before, it didn't seem like Jeonghan was lying, but you didn't know if you wanted the truth he was sharing. Even if it was a lie, a character he had created, the version of Jeonghan from before was a little brighter, a little more present in the moment. The version of him that was in front of you, that you imagined to be the closest to reality, was almost sad, detached from everything.

“Because I forced my right knee a lot, trying to compensate for the lack of my left one, I developed a problem with that one too”

“You’ve never talked about your injuries before, right?” he nodded “Why talk now?”

He was silent again, his lower lip caught between his teeth. That was a great question, one that not even Jeonghan himself knew exactly how to answer.

“I'm not sure, to be honest” he laughed a little. Instead of looking directly at the camera, his eyes were focused on you “Someone came up with the idea at some point and it didn't seem like a bad one, but I think it will only work if I make it to the Olympics.”

“Is that the ultimate goal then, to get to the Olympics?”

He shook his head, that fearless, confident look you had only seen in photos finally making itself known.

“No, the ultimate goal is to win”

As promised, Jeonghan waited for you, Seungkwan, and Vernon outside the clinic. He was nowhere to be seen, really, but the car his assistant informed you of was parked right in front of the door.

You were the first one to exit your own car, while Seungkwan and Vernon prepared the camera to follow along. You could only assume he was the manager. Terribly young for a manager, sure, but a manager nonetheless.

“I assume you’re in” he extended a hand to you “I’m Joshua”

“Hi”

The exchange of words with Joshua was quick, no more than half a dozen. You didn't have much to talk about with him and he wasn't your priority, at least not at the moment. Later, at some other time, talking to him would be great. He had introduced himself as a friend/manager of Jeonghan. Having his point of view would be great and could contribute a lot, but your eyes couldn't leave Jeonghan.

His hair was tied back, but a cap covered much of his face. He had barely said hi to you or the other two. It wasn't a big surprise. While it was true that made up to a certain extent, you didn't expect him to simply welcome you with open arms, but his reaction was strange - or as strange as the reaction of a person you knew little, or nothing, could be.

“Can we film it?” You asked.

Jeonghan stopped and turned towards you. He had forgotten that you and your team would attend his first physical therapy session, but it seemed like the right thing to do.

Since the last time you saw each other, Jeonghan spent hours on end watching documentaries made by you and they all had one thing in common: they were almost like video logs. You followed everyone around documenting every tiny aspect of their lives. All those people told their stories and didn't seem afraid of having their lives exposed. And perhaps for people who didn't lead lives where they had been exposed too much, sincerity came easily.

For Jeonghan, that was never the case.

Being treated as the future, a promise of the sport, had brought a lot of harm and situations that neither he, nor anyone else, had the option to deal with or even, perhaps, ignore.

Cameras were pointed at him, rumors spread and suddenly he wasn't just Yoon Jeonghan, the boy who started skating because it would annoy his little sister. He became someone from whom people expected something.

As much as he could, Jeonghan tried to live up to all of those expectations, realistic or not. He tried to be as perfect as possible, on the ice and off of it. And it only took one day of silence, a few rude unanswered questions, and one bad performance — which had no real effect — for everything to collapse.

“You said you would film anything and everything.”

You grimaced, clearly regretful and maybe even a little embarrassed. It wasn't his intention, but he found your reaction funny anyway.

In your place, Jeonghan would have done much worse.

“Do you think it’s important?”

You nodded, perhaps more forcefully than necessary. Jeonghan laughed, he wanted to hold your head to make sure it was still in the right place.

“The documentary is about your return, so filming you here is important. I asked because it's your first session. I heard it can be painful.”

“It will probably be uncomfortable” he couldn’t deny that “Let’s do it like this, you can record it, if in the end you think it’s bad or that it doesn’t fit, we won’t use it

You quietly followed Jeonghan and Joshua out of the clinic, Seungkwan and Vernon trailing behind you talking in hushed tones. It was no surprise that they were talking. Truth was rehab had been brutal. You knew that it could get hard for Jeonghan, that it could be painful but nothing really prepared you for what you saw. And if it was hard for you to watch him go through that, it was unimaginable to understand how it was for him.

Throughout the entire session, Jeonghan looked in pain, his grunts and the scowl on his face growing with each passing second and new movement. Midway through you told Seungkwan and Vernon to stop filming. You had seen enough and you had more than what you needed for the documentary. 

You would only film his rehab again when he was no longer in such pain, you decided. Out of the many things you learned about Jeonghan was that showing his weaknesses wasn’t something he was too fond of or even comfortable with the idea of it. So there was no real reason to keep recording and you couldn’t stand it either. 

While you watched his face contort in pain, you felt something inside your chest tighten. 

It had never been a real issue before with you. You had always managed to separate your personal emotions from the things you felt while working. More often than not you told stories that were hard to listen to, took someone’s suffering, and put it on the TV for the entire world to see in hopes that maybe a part of their lives would be changed. You had always been able to detach yourself from that. 

However while inside with Jeonghan, such a thing was not possible. You felt your throat constrict and your eyes grow wet and for a short while, you couldn’t breathe either. It made no sense really. Why did it hurt to see this man, you knew nothing about, in pain to the point you wanted to cry? Why did it sadden you so much that he was limping harder than before?

You wanted to approach him, ask if he was okay, if it had been too much. But it was out of line, it was one that you knew you shouldn’t cross. There was this itch though, in the back of your mind, begging you to just ask, to just take a step closer to him. 

It happened so suddenly that you didn’t even see it happening. One second it was just the five of you in the parking lot, in the next there were reporters with mics and cameras pointed at Jeonghan. You noticed how Jeonghan raised his shoulders at the same time he lowered his head. He couldn’t see in front of himself, you were certain. 

Joshua put an arm around Jeonghan’s shoulder while he used the other one to keep them away from him. Not that it was of any use. One of the cameras was directly under his face as if trying to get an expression, anything at all, that could show his discomfort with the situation. From somewhere behind you there were flashes. 

"Do you believe your injury was a result of your own carelessness?"  someone asked. 

You felt your blood run cold for a second and you froze in place, Seungkwan and Vernon behind you. 

"Do you think your skating career is over after such devastating injuries?" someone followed. 

"Did you regret pushing yourself so hard during training, knowing it led to your injury?" 

"How did it feel to watch other skaters progress while you were stuck in rehab?" 

"Are you worried that your injury will define your career more than your achievements on the ice?" 

The questions got progressively worse and you wanted to scream at them to just shut up, and stop. How could they just ambush someone like that with those questions? It made no sense at all. And though you knew that it would cause more harm than good you wished Jeonghan would tell them all to fuck off.

Instead, he kept his head low and just slowly walked to his car while ignoring everyone around him, all the careless words being thrown at him. 

You tried to take a step forward but were held back by Seungkwan, who gripped the strap of your purse. He didn’t say a word, just shook his head. 

“They can’t just do that to him” you almost cried

“If you say anything, it might only make matters worse,” Hansol said, his voice sad. 

That sudden need to protect Jeonghan felt weird but oddly natural as well. Weird because you knew that you shouldn’t, because you hardly knew the guy. Natural because it felt as if you had always done that like it was just second nature to you. 

“He is used to this,” Seungkwan said, still not letting go of your purse. 

“He shouldn’t be! They are barely treating him like a human!”

By the time you turned around, Jeonghan was already inside the car leaving the parking lot. 

The clock on the top of your phone screen told you that it was 4:37 am. You hadn't even realized that you had spent so many hours still awake. 

As soon as you got home from the rehab with Jeonghan, you took a quick shower, ate the leftovers from the night before, and started to look up Jeonghan’s performances.

The man was a celebrity amongst athletes since he was a child. He was always seen as a promise of the sport. He was good from the start. Performing moves that he was still too young to do, entering competitions boys his age never really competed in and somehow managing to either come up to the podium or even winning some of them.

Everything was displayed online. Yearly competitions, practices, and small moments of his life.

Jeonghan's entire life, at least the sports part, was exposed on the internet for anyone, from anywhere in the world, to see. And it wasn't just the competitions, having videos of that part seemed completely normal and expected.

What was scary was all the other content. Some photos of him in school uniform, not one where he was actually looking at the camera, but ones that were clearly taken in secret. Another one from when he seemed to have simply gone out for coffee with Joshua.

You knew he had fans, that he was liked wherever he went, and that he was always followed, but that seemed a bit much.

In reality, watching videos of the competitions was like a gateway to everything that came after.

You knew very little about Jeonghan, only what you had read about in all the articles that you found and all of them had one thing in common: Jeonghan was a huge diva, who thought he was superior to everyone. But after seeing how he had been treated that day, as soon as he got out of rehab, you knew it wasn't like that. It was as if they had appeared out of nowhere, one second the parking lot was empty and the next it was full of journalists, shouting things and asking questions that to many would seem harmless, but were clearly intended to hurt.

Instead of watching more competition videos, not that there were many you hadn't watched yet, you decided to look for the famous video of him treating journalists badly.

You had never found one so easily on the internet. You just typed "Jeonghan and journalists" into the search bar and it was the first video to appear.

It was a scene very similar to the previous day. Jeonghan was in the parking lot, walking towards the guy when he was surrounded by several journalists.

"You didn't get the podium today, are you disappointed?" one of them asked and that was the most harmless question he got. “Did you really try hard or did you think you would get a high score because you were the favorite?” “Why did you fall in such a simple jump?” “Don't you think it was an amateur's performance?”

You didn't want to keep listening to all those meaningless questions, but you couldn't take your eyes off Jeonghan. He still had short hair at the time, even covering his eyebrows. His jaw was clenched, his eyes were hard, and his gaze was focused straight ahead, as he walked slowly to his car. Joshua tried as best he could to control the journalists with their microphones and cameras, but he was just one man against many. Finally, after what felt like ages, two security guards appeared, pushing the journalists away as they began shouting profanities in Jeonghan's direction.

Could those people even consider themselves journalists? Real journalists, who took their work seriously?

There is a very fine line between being a journalist who asks incisive questions and one who is completely disrespectful to the athlete. And those people were anything but professional.

It was no surprise that after that Jeonghan refused to give interviews.

That whole situation happened years before, at the beginning of the previous Olympic cycle, but even so, it was still a moment that haunted him. People remembered him as just that guy, someone who refused to answer simple questions. But what exactly did these people expect? That he was all smiles when he failed to reach the podium, even though he was the favorite in the competition? That he smiles when he hurts?

Finally, you managed to understand why he acted that way, and why his answers were so polite and direct. Jeonghan didn't want to leave room for interpretation. Not that he had much of a choice. People only see what they want to see, but that didn't mean he couldn't try.

Jeonghan couldn’t take his eyes away from your back, he followed your every move. You stood next to Joshua, talking to him quietly, his friend showing you something on his phone. He felt something scratch at his neck. This new and unknown feeling. 

It was unusual for Jeonghan, to want to have someone’s undivided attention. It was usually the other way around and he was never willing to do it, with anyone. And then there you were and suddenly he didn’t like that you were talking with Joshua. 

It wasn’t like you seemed to be having fun either. You moved around with intention, your eyes always focused, your words and questions firm and straight to the point. Jeonghan couldn’t help but wonder if it was always like that with you. If your professional persona always took over who you were in other moments. 

His curiosity was huge but his courage to ask was very little. 

“She may seem like it, but she won’t bite your head off if you talk with her,” someone said on his left.

Seungkwan stood at his side, his hands clasped in front of him while he rocked on his heels. 

“I think she will,” Jeonghan said. 

Seungkwan took his reply as an invitation to sit. 

“You know, in the office, people call her the ice queen” he too looked in your direction, at your serious expression "She’s like that most of the time”

Jeonghan looked at Seungkwan expectantly, he knew there was a but coming soon. All he needed to do was wait long enough. 

“She didn’t want to take this job, our boss forced her to. She’s more into storytelling, real people, with real issues”

“Am I not a real person?”

The offense in Jeonghan’s voice made Seungkwan almost fall off his chair. He didn’t intend for his words to sound like that.

“Of course you are” he laughed nervously while trying to explain it as best as he could “If it were up to her, she would focus this documentary on you, on how you started skating, why, what attracted you to it, how it affected the rest of your life. But your team doesn’t want that, I think. We were told that you already gave many interviews on the matter so there’s no point in talking about it again. They want us to focus on your recovery and then you make it to the Olympics. She’s trying to figure out how to do that in a way that makes someone watch it”

Jeonghan nodded, feeling guilty. It had been his request to not the documentary so focused on the past and more on what was happening in the moment

“She also doesn’t like sports and hated the idea of the job, but that's beside the point”

Both of them laughed, eyes still on your back now that you talked with Vernon, giving him new instructions.

“I’ll make sure that she gets to do the kind of documentary she thinks is best”

Seungkwan stood up, a big smile on his lips.

“Who could have known that the ice queen and the ice prince aren’t actually that cold”

After months of just rehab, it’s finally time for Jeonghan to get back on the ice and it pained you a little to admit that you were looking forward to it. The videos you watched could only take you so far, you wanted to actually see the real thing. Him, in action.

Of course, you know that he wasn’t going to be able to do a third of the things he did on those videos. But you wanted to see him in his element, how he would behave when he was finally around the thing he loved the most in the world — his words, not yours. 

The one thing you were able to learn from Jeonghan was the fact that he indeed loved what he did. Like most people, sometimes he hated it. It was the thing he was most passionate about, yes, but it was also his job, so there were days when he just hated and the mere idea of leaving the house was too much. 

It was too hard to be a professional athlete, it demanded way too much of him. Of anyone, really. Sometimes he wanted to be like everyone else and just not put everything he was into it. But if he did that, he lost one single day, he was scared that he could lose an entire year and maybe that year turned into two and then he could lose his chance to go to the Olympics. 

And he only had one change left. 

So, instead of focusing on much he didn’t want to do, Jeonghan decided to focus on the fact that there was only a year ahead of him and he would be able to do whatever he wanted and have as many down days as he wanted. 

He didn’t know what he wanted to do and what would be the after for him but it gave him something to look forward to. 

“Are you nervous?” you asked him.

Jeonghan was someone who was mostly quiet. You noticed that once he started to feel more comfortable he was one to start the conversation and even crack a few jokes here and there. Seungkwan had been the first person he kind of opened up to, which had left you a hint of jealousy. You wanted to be one he talked with mostly because it was your job but also just because. 

However, he had been especially quiet that day. The three of you went to meet him at his apartment. The idea was that you’d follow him the entire day, from the moment he woke up, to when he went to the doctor to get the final clear and then finally to the ring. 

He had talked very little, his eyes always focused somewhere else. It was clear that his mind was traveling somewhere far, far away. So you left him be, quietly watching him just move around. A silent shooting day, you told yourself  In the end, however, you had a job and he needed to do the talking.

“It’s been too long,” he said, his eyes never really leaving the ice “I don’t know if I can still do it”

You laughed, causing him to finally look at you, eyes wide on his face. He tried to look serious but the corners of his lips were turned slightly up.

“You just don’t feel confident, but you didn’t forget it” you looked at his ankle, it was still weird to see him without any sort of protection around it “How’s your ankle?”

He just shook his head and in that moment you chose to believe that he was said It doesn’t bother me anymore. 

Through the interviews, you found out that Jeonghan is the kind of person to suffer in silence. It was clear from all of his previous injuries, how he competed while in pain and only ever said anything when it was almost too late.

“Do you think I can still do it?”

There was something in his voice like he was almost on the verge of breaking. He sounded vulnerable in a way that was entirely too new, in a way you wanted to push Vernon and his camera away because that was a part of him you knew he didn’t want the world to see. 

Instead, you reached for his arm, patting it a couple of times, hoping that your touch, as ungraceful and awkward as it was, was able to soothe him, even if it was just for a moment. 

“I was watching some of your competitions last night, again, you know? And that guy? He’s still in there, I’m sure of it, I’ve seen him”

You weren’t just saying that to cheer him up, your words were true. You had seen that version of him, little glimpses here and there. He was in the way his eyes suddenly changed and it was like he owned the entire room, in the way he suddenly turned confident, in the way he was charming in a way that was almost sickening but all too enchanting either way. 

Whether or not he believed it himself, Yoon Jeonghan was a force to be reckoned with.

"What kind of kid were you?" you asked, looking up at Jeonghan. 

He sat opposite to you, bent down to tie the laces on his skates. His hair covered his face, you were sure that he couldn't see much, but he didn't seem bothered by it in the least. Maybe he had just gotten used to it. 

Four months had gone by since you started to follow Jeonghan and even before that, he had kept his hair long. And you hated to admit that he looked good, too good even.

"What kind do you think I was?" He smirked at you for a second before going back to his skates.

Rolling your eyes, you couldn't help but smile. 

"This is not how it works. I ask the questions here"

Jeonghan leaned back on his seat, giving you his full attention. His smirk did something to your insides. It felt tight and loose at the same time, like wild butterflies running around on your skin. 

"Come on, humor me"

You pretended to be in deep thought, Jeonghan as a child had been something you thought about for a long time now. Even though he was very serious most of the time there were these small moments where he looked like a kid ready to do something he wasn't supposed to.

"I can only think of you as a troublemaker” you smiled, closing your notes knowing well that you’d make no progress at all with the filming “I’ve seen pictures of you and a child and although you looked very cute, I’m sure you were a handful to your mother”

Jeonghan laughed, throwing his head back and in that moment he looked so carefree.

Even since the start of the documentary Jeonghan had used his most serious expressions, a frown always taking over his beautiful features. But he had been back on the ice for a few days already and in those days he had looked the happiest you had seen him yet.

Of course, he still hasn’t practiced the way he wanted or the way he used to. He still needed to take things slowly: fewer hours, less power in the movements. But it was undeniable that he was a completely different person.

It wasn’t that he had been in a bad mood every single day but there was just something about him in his element, of him doing something he was obviously passionate about, that was so enchanting that it became impossible to look away from him.

“Where did you see those pictures?”

“You do know that I had to google you because I had no idea who you were, right?”

One thing you managed to learn about Jeonghan is the fact that, if in the right mood, he is a trickster and most of all, a flit. You weren’t even sure that he was aware of what he was doing, it seemed like second nature to him.

He put a hand over his chest, faking being in pain. His face contorted and a pout on his lips.

“I thought we were getting to know each other”.

Seungkwan coughed by your side, finally making you remember that there were people around you and that the entire interaction between you and Jeonghan was being recorded.

There was something about Jeonghan that always seemed to make you forget where you were, that maybe there were people around you. You could only suppose that it was the charm of a man who knew exactly what he was doing, who knew how to sweet talk someone.

And Jeonghan knew what he was doing, what kind of words or looks could get a reaction from a woman.

Most of the time while around Jeonghan you had to remind your heart to be calm and quiet. Being around him was a temporary arrangement, as soon as the Olympics started said arrangement would be done and you’d have to go back to your normal life. One that didn’t include Yoon Jeonghan. And you also knew that there wasn’t space for you in his life.

“We’re going to set up the cameras around the ice,” Seungkwan said awkwardly while dragging Verno by the hand.

You watched as the two walked away from you, whispering in secrecy. You could only imagine the kind of things that they were saying. If you knew Seungkwan at all, you were certain that it couldn’t be any good.

“Jeonghan, I ask questions and you answer them. And while one could say that I’m getting to know you, I don’t think it would be possible to say the same thing about me”

Jeongahn's smile was defiant when he crossed his arms over his chest.

“You have a no-bullshit policy, which I should have known, from the start, but I wasn’t expecting someone like you. Although you try really hard to pretend that you’re not, your eyes are kind and you quietly take care of those around you, me included sometimes. You got worried when I was in pain in rehab and when Vernon got hurt it seemed as if you were angry, but you were concerned about him and after that, you asked to have another staff with you so that he wouldn’t need to carry so many things on his own. You and Seungkwan bicker a lot but when he isn’t around for a day you are quieter and your questions have been more direct. That doesn’t make you a lousy documentarist, please don’t think that I’m saying that, you take your job very seriously. I’m saying that you put people above your job. I’m guessing that’s why you wanted to become a documentarist, to begin with, to tell stories”

You stared at him, mouth open wondering just how he had come up with all of that and why he had managed to hit everything right on the stop. Especially the reason why you became a documentarist. It seemed very obvious, yes, but it wasn’t something that you had said.

In fact, your personal life was something that very few people knew. You weren’t one to share your thoughts and what was on your mind with people. Seungkwan was a good friend, but he was a work friend so your personal life was just that, personal. Not that you had someone to share it with, either way.

The apartment was empty when you left and it was in the exact same way and you got back. You were on your own, with no parents, no siblings and most of your friends had given up on you somewhere along the way.

For the longest time, you put your job first. It came before anything and anyone. You were building your career and name at the time so it was hard not to put it first. It was your dream, one that your friends supported at first but were displeased when you decided to put it first.

You had thought that if you made it big on your job if you got hired by a big production company, you’d be able to find the happiness that you had searched for a long time. And while some of it was true, your career was on the right path and you did something you loved, you didn’t have a lot more beyond that going one.

It was become just you and your job.

Was it sad? Yes, but it was also the life you chose.

“Just because I don’t know details of your life, doesn’t mean that I don’t watch you, yn”

You watched as Jeonghan fell for what felt like the hundredth time that day. It didn't make sense, not really. At least not for you. And from the looks of it, for him too.

He was frustrated and completely angry. All those people looking at him, expectations high, waiting for something. He wasn't sure what. For him to fail? To see if he still could do it?

Everything was possible and impossible at the same time.

He couldn't stop his eyes from going after you every time you fell. Somehow, your reaction was the only one that mattered to him. The first few times your face was completely emotionless, as if you were staring at a blank wall. Then Jeonghan fell once again, and again, and again. He stopped counting at 10, but he knew it was much more than that actually. But your gaze, which was fixed on him, became more worried as the minutes passed and he hated being the cause of it.

Somehow, since he met you, only two things were on Jeonghan's mind: skating and you.

He didn't know how, he didn't know why, but you had taken over his every thought. It was as if you had walked through an imaginary door and entered his mind and decided that it was a great place to be.

Even on days when you didn't see each other because there was no recording, he was tempted to talk to you. And on one of those days, he just succumbed to the temptation of picking up the phone and calling you.

“Jeonghan, is everything okay?” was the first thing you said.

He hated that worry was the first emotion he awakened in you. He hated that the first thing you said wasn't "hello" like a normal person. But at the same time, the concern made him feel somehow welcomed. It could, of course, be all in his head, and what he saw as concern for himself was actually concern for the documentary.

"I just wanted to talk," he admitted.

Maybe it was because he had gotten used to talking to you, maybe it was because you offered zero judgment for the way he thought or reacted. Or maybe it was because it was you. Whatever it was, Jeonghan felt comfortable talking to you.

Telling the truth, about everything, was not difficult, in fact, it became something very easy. It was because of you, he knew.

"I realized I don't know anything about you"

You laughed and he listened as you moved through what he imagined to be his apartment.

"That's because I interview you and not the other way around"

He sat on the bed, his legs stretched out in front of him as he supported the rest of his weight on his arms stretched behind him.

"Do you think it's so bad that I know anything about you?"

You remained silent for a few seconds, seeming to think about the idea. It wasn't bad, not at all.

At several moments you found yourself with your cell phone in your hand, ready to send a message or call him. You weren’t sure what, but there was something about Jeonghan that just made you want to tell him everything.

"What do you want to know?" you said with a sigh.

"Whatever you want to share"

The great truth is that very little happened in your life. You lived alone, worked every day, and came home alone. Your last boyfriend, or even a fling, was over a year before. Your friends, if you could call them that, were all from work. Your life was quite still and dull. Even if you wanted to talk about work. Jeonghan was your job. There wasn't much to talk about.

"I don't think I have much to tell" you knew that what you were about to say wasn't the happiest topic in the world, but it was what you had to offer "My mother passed away when I was nineteen, since then I've been alone"

You could still clearly remember the day your father left. There wasn't a fight. He never packed his bag and left. One day he was there when you woke up, he gave you breakfast and took you to school, like he did on most days. But it was his job to pick you up and he never showed up. Your mother showed up instead, her eyes swollen as she did her smile to smile at you and explain to the teacher why she was so late. When you finally got home she said "Now it's just you and me. Daddy had to leave"

For months, years even, you waited for him to come back. You thought one day he would just appear in front of you. You were disappointed when it was your mother who showed up to pick you up when he didn't come to his birthdays when you called the number he had left with his mother and he never answered.

You waited until you turned 18 to go after him. You only had a name, but with that alone, a person can find everything on the internet. You found him in another state, working at a real estate agency. You sat down in front of him and talked for about half an hour. You made up a story about going to college and needing a place to live. You said your name and your mother's name several times, surname and everything, and at no point did he seem to connect one thing to the other. Until the last second, when you said you would think about renting the studio he had suggested, and he walked you to the door. He said, "I left for a reason, don't come back here."

You couldn't believe what you had heard. You couldn't understand why he left and why he never came back. But at that moment you decided that if he didn't want you, you didn't need him. Your mother had worked so hard to make sure you had everything you needed.

Exactly one year later, your mother died in a bizarre car accident. It was like being 7 years old again and losing another person, only in a much more painful way.

"You don’t have any siblings?" Jeonghan's voice on the other end brought you back "Relatives?"

You shook her head, even though you knew he couldn't see you.

"I was an only child, so no siblings. My mom was an orphan so relatives either. My father left when I was a child"

You and Jeonghan spent the whole night on the phone, talking about everything and nothing. From trivial things to more personal matters. His delight upon learning that you didn’t have a boyfriend didn’t go unnoticed. 

Calls and messages became commonplace between the two of you. Your heart raced every time a new message arrived and it was hard to hide your disappointment when you realized it wasn't from him. On days when you didn't see each other, you would stare at your phone, waiting for it to ring, waiting for him to call.

So you hoped he understood when you shook your head in his direction, a request written on your face. That's enough for today, you can try more tomorrow, you hoped he would understand.

Instead of trying one more time after he fell once again, he skated to the edge of the ice. His face was red from the effort, and his chest rose and fell in an uneven rhythm trying to force air back into his lungs.

"I want everyone out," he said, his voice broken.

Seungkwan and Vernon didn't even question it, they simply started putting away the equipment. Jihoon, who had shown up unexpectedly to "supervise" didn't seem to understand what was going on, but turned to help Vernon.

Jeonghan's coach was the only one who approached him, his hand on the athlete's shoulder.

"Go home, rest. Tomorrow we try again"

Jeonghan shook his head. He would only get out of there after managing to make the damn jump, even if he had to stay the whole night.

"Just half an hour more, but I want to be alone"

The coach clearly didn't like the idea, but he knew it was stupid to try and make Jeonghan change his mind.

You turned to him, looking at his face, trying to figure out if he was in pain or if he was just being a big blockhead. Without giving yourself the luxury of thinking about what you were doing, you placed your hand over Jeonghan's and squeezed for a second. You hoped he understood what you meant.

"You have to rest"

You knew everyone was watching, that despite saying they were leaving they weren't actually moving. Jeonghan didn't seem to care and for a moment you decided not to care either.

“Stay,” he said softly, so only you could hear him “please.”

Some strands of hair were stuck to Jeonghan's face, you wanted to get them out of his face, but caution spoke louder. You looked over your shoulder and everyone was still looking at the two of you, but as soon as they noticed your gaze they started moving again. Seungkwan shouted “We’re leaving” and seconds later the door slammed.

Finally, you were alone.

“You have to rest,” you said again.

You took advantage of the fact that no one else was there and removed the strands of hair stuck to his forehead, tucking it behind his ear. Jeonghan sighed, his eyes closing as he leaned towards you. Just that little touch wasn't enough.

“I need to get it right”

"If you stop now and rest you will know what you are doing wrong"

A half smile shined on Jeonghan's face as he leaned further into the barrier, his face just inches away from his.

"My ego loves it when you say I'm doing something wrong”

You pushed him back, needing a little bit more space to yourself. He was too close, you could feel his breath on your nose and cheeks. It was suddenly as if the world was made of Yoon Jeonghan, it was just him and no one else. 

“I’m sure your ego will be just fine”

Instead of pulling your hand back, you allowed it to stay in his chest. Jeonghan smiled for a second before pressing his hand over yours. 

“Just another 30 minutes” he repeated what he said to his coach “I promise I’ll stop in precisely 30 minutes”

You nodded with a sigh. There was nothing you could do to stop him. Something told you that even if you threatened him to leave he would stay and practice, he would stay on the ice for far more than just 30 minutes if you weren’t around. 

So you sat down and waited for him. And he fell time and time again, his face growing displeased with himself at each passing second, each time he jumped but didn't manage to land. 

Jeonghan had done that same jump countless times before with ease as if one's body would simply perform such movements. To him, it always seemed as easy as walking. You had seen it in all of his videos, almost in trance by him. 

“If you’re not done in twenty-one minutes” you pretended to look at your imaginary watch “I’m taking you out of there by force”

Jeonghan threw his head back, laughing. 

“Remember when you said that you never skated before?” Jeonghan asked after finally being able to breathe properly again.

You weren’t too sure how, but he had stopped after 30 minutes. A big smile on his face after he managed to land the jump after so many tries. After getting it right once, he didn’t get it wrong again. It was like something clicked inside his brain as if he had found the last missing piece of the puzzle.

Of all the things you said to Jeonghan, from the most personal to the most trivial, that was, by far, the only one you regretted. You had told him over the phone but he looked horrified, it was easy to imagine the wide eyes on his face.

But him standing there, in front of you, with a smile that could only be seen on the face of a mischievous child, said much more than any words he could utter.

“No,” you said, shaking your head, already moving back.

You had learned several peculiarities about Jeonghan in all the months you spent by his side, and one of the most glaring was the look in his eyes when he was about to do something he shouldn't.

“You have to try, at least once” his lips were a mixture of a smile and a pout “You will have the best teacher in the world”

You saw it and shook your head again.

“I can’t trust a teacher who spent the day falling” you pointed to the rink behind him.

As soon as the words left your mouth, you regretted them. You didn't know if your words would offend him, you hoped he knew it wasn't your intention. But you also knew that hell was paved with good intentions. Jeonghan was silent for a minute, his face serious, his eyes not leaving yours for an entire minute.

Then he smiled, his nose wrinkling a little as he laughed, loudly. It didn't take long for you to join him.

“You’re evil,” he said, trying to control himself, but failing “This way you’re going to break my heart”

“I think there are few things in this world that can break your heart.”

You would definitely be one of them, Jeonghan wanted to say, but he held his tongue in his mouth. He knew he couldn't say that, he knew that any word said wrongly could simply ruin everything he had built so far. If he could even say he built something. He liked to think so.

From the first time you spoke, Jeonghan knew there was no going back, at least for him. He had never done anything like that. He had never called someone in the middle of the night simply because he wanted to hear someone's voice. And in this case, it wasn't just someone's voice, it was your voice that he wanted to hear.

With each passing sentence, Jeonghan found himself falling more in love with you and he wasn't able to say why. Maybe he could blame it on your eyes, always so focused, but somehow when they turned to him, they seemed so sweet and sincere. Or your voice, which gave orders and asked incisive questions, but as soon as the cameras were turned off it became gentle and almost shy. Maybe it was the fact that you seemed like a lioness when you were working, never giving space for unfounded questions, but you were shy when it was just the two of you alone.

He liked this version of you, who was right in front of him, who seemed completely comfortable with him, to the point of making jokes — something that until that moment you hadn't done yet.

“We always have extra pairs in the back, I'm sure one of them is your size” he had made sure you would, with Seungkwan's help of course “And then we try it, what do you think?”

Even though you were shaking your head, you went to the closet where you knew the skates were stored.

With your knees bent and shaking, you stepped onto the ice and immediately regretted giving in to Jeonghan's will. You didn't know how he had managed it, but in the closet, there was a brand new pair of skates, your size. Jeonghan had smiled as he bent down to tie your shoelaces,

“I’m going to fall flat on my face,” you said as you grabbed the bars.

Jeonghan held your face in his hands, your eyes fixed on his.

“I won’t let you fall”

The way the words left his lips made your heart skip a beat, or maybe several of them. You could feel it on the back of your throat and you could swear that your hands shook a little as you accepted the hand Jeonghan had extended to you. 

You wished it could just stop. Not for your heart to stop beating altogether but for it to stop reacting to Jeonghan. Everything changed after that first call and you weren’t too sure of where it was. He had, someway, somehow, become a pivotal point of you. His voice, his eyes. The way tingles started to run down through your body the moment his skin came in touch with yours. How, despite all odds, he made you feel safe in a way you weren’t too sure you had ever experienced before.

When he said that he wasn’t going to you fall, you believed him so you held his hands — strong enough that you were sure were hurting him but he didn't seem to mind — and allowed Jeonghan to pull you into the rink. 

“Don't move your feet” he said, voice ever so sweet but with a slight hint of teasing “I know it's probably hard, but let me take control here”

Forcing out all of the remaining air inside your lungs, you did as he asked. Instead of keeping your focus on the ice under your feet, you kept them in Jeonghan's face. A mistake, of course. 

His eyes were too intense if you could say that. You didn't want to understand what was happening. Perhaps for the first time since you met Jeonghan, you didn't want to understand what it could mean. You were scared. What, exactly, you weren’t sure.

“I didn’t even have to ask you to look at me,” he said and you laughed a little, automatically looking away “Keep looking at me”

The whole experience of skating for the first time, or being guided, was not being registered by your brain. All you could see, think, feel, was Jeonghan, as if he had become a central point of everything.

“I think we should stop here”

You hoped your voice was loud enough and judging by the look on Jeonghan's face, it was. The smile fell from his lips and it was as if a small light in his eyes had gone out.

You hated that you were the one causing that reaction in him, but you knew it was best to stop everything before it went too far.

"I thought that…"

“We can’t blur the lines that much” you shook your head.

You didn't know exactly who you were trying to convince, him or you. You also weren't sure you had to convince yourself of anything. It was as if your brain had split in two. One part, probably the loudest, wanted you to just let things happen. You knew you weren't doing anything wrong, you weren't doing anything much really. What you did outside of your working hours and who you did it with was your problem and no one else's.

But the other part, one that spoke softly and that should have had much less strength, said it was dangerous, but also didn't offer much reason to be dangerous.

Yet somehow, that was the side you chose to listen to.

"Why?" He asked forcing his feet to the ground, making the two of you stand in the center of the rink. “What line are we blurring?”

You shook your head, hands clinging to his waist as you felt your feet begin to slide.

“I don’t know” you whispered in response “We are working”

Jeonghan leaned forward and pressed his lips to your cheek. With a sigh, he let his forehead fall onto your shoulder and closed his eyes.

You didn't know exactly where your skepticism came from, but you were also sure it wasn't completely unfounded. But truth be told, you wanted to blur that line and any others that might appear along the way.

“Go on a date with me,” he said “If you still feel that way, there’s nothing we can do. Just don’t… don’t stop something that hasn’t even started yet”

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[justinspoliticalcorner]

Jess Piper at The View from Rural Missouri:

I am also the typical rural woman, with one exception…I am a progressive. And I’m loud. And I have a large platform. And I call out the GOP, which is why what I’m about to tell you might not shock you: my family was swatted. The swat unfolded in such an odd manner. I was gardening — no surprise — and I heard my dogs start barking. They do this when anyone pulls into the drive. I looked up to see a County Sheriff’s SUV parked down the drive. He didn’t pull up close to the house. My first instinct was panic. We have four adult children and my first thought was that something had happened to one of my kids.

The deputy was apprehensive which made me even more nervous. Then I saw he had a piece of paper in his hand. Whew! I thought maybe he was looking for someone or that I had a summons or something of the sort. He stood away from me and asked if my name was Jessica. He knew the answer, he lives down the highway, but I affirmed it. He then asked me how many kids I have. Again…panic. I asked him what this was about? He walked up to me and handed over the piece of paper he was holding. It was a printed email that had been sent to several law enforcement offices and several state offices in Missouri…it had even been mailed to my local water department. The email claimed to be from a close family relation. The letter stated that the family member had murdered me and my husband the night before. It went on to state that they intended to shoot and kill anyone who came on the property. [...]

This is going to be a long list. I can think of several state legislators who would like to see police storming my house with guns drawn. I get threats nearly every week online, but I brush them off as bots. And, then something came to mind that happened last week… I wrote a tweet last week that got the attention of an account called “The Libs of Tik Tok.”

I wrote about a doctor at the fatal Trump rally who gave medical attention to the fireman who later died at the rally. I talked about being so confused to see a doctor, an OBGYN, wearing a MAGA hat and shirt. In the tweet, I spoke about not wanting to think about the treatment an immigrant or a person of color or a woman in need of an abortion would receive from that doctor. I was horrified to know that a practicing physician could support Trump. There is an important distinction for me: The doctor wasn’t your ordinary, run-of-the-mill, conservative Republican. He attended a rally in which others had signs for mass deportation and concentration camps. That’s not okay. The tweet took off, but nothing too wild until that evening. I saw my phone blow up. I muted the tweet, but it was being quote-tweeted. A lot. So, I caved and looked at what was going on. It was the “Libs of Tik Tok.” Shit. Here we go. They were not only threatening me on Twitter, they found me on Facebook and started replying to my posts. They moved to my Tik Tok account and did the same thing. I spent a couple hours blocking and deleting comments and then really didn’t think much more about it. I thought it was over.

[...] Raichik uses her platform to harass teachers and LGBTQ folks especially, but anyone in general. I am a former teacher and a progressive activist…prime for the attack. Her minions often call in bomb threats and send police officers to the doors of progressives. Someone pulled my swatting off, but there is something they should know: I was rattled, but not terrorized. You didn’t win. I am a rural woman…most in my community know me and my politics. When an email came in claiming to be a close relation who shot and killed me, they thought better than to send a SWAT team out. They knew it sounded off because they know of me. They sent my neighbor, the Deputy Sheriff. They were right.

Read this Substack post from Jess Piper, and it’s very frightening. Piper and her family were swatted recently at their home, and anti-LGBTQ+ extremist account Libs of TikTok (run by domestic terrorist Chaya Raichik) incited the swatting.

[sweaterkittensahoy]

WE HAVE A FLOOR

OH THANK FUCK

So, for those of you who don't know or don't recall or just love seeing this fucking story again and again because this shit has HAUNTED me for NEARLY TWO YEARS, let's turn back the clock:

2022:

By the end of June 2022, the following things had happened to me in the year 2022:

Six sinus infections, one right after the other. Tested for Covid each and every time. Not Covid. When to the doctor on day 12, got the antibiotics, shit cleared up. And basically the moment the antibiotics cleared my system, new sinus infection.

Had so many in a row, in fact, that my my ashtma wouldn't calm down, and we had to get me on steroids for ten days to basically reset my lungs.

Went to a family wedding, first big trip since lockdown.

Came home from the family wedding and had Covid. I regularly get body pain with my fevers, and this was the worst body pain of my life. I barely remember going to the doctor for the test so I could take time off. It was bad.

Was very close to a major realization that a friendship I thought was going to last my whole life had become utterly toxic and abusive.

And then the end of June hit. And I woke up one morning to Sean cursing, which was alarming. Because I curse like a sailor, but he does not. I get up to see what the problem is.

The problem is a quarter-inch of water through most of our apartment. It was coming through our light fixtures. We are in a renovated basement of a house from the 1920s. I ran outside then up the stairs to see what was going on up there.

The house is two stories. Overnight, the toilet supply line on the second story had begun to leak. This kind of leak is a silent affair. We don't know when it started. But when we woke up, the entire living/kitchen area was flooded. The laundry room/bathroom was flooded. The water had soaked into the bedroom carpet so far that it was sopping wet from the door to about two feet in.

The office had, miraculously, not taken a drop. Still not sure how that worked.

We call the management company. We call insurance. I swear my ass off because Sean has to go to work, which means I'm stuck alone all day with the mess and a dog who does NOT understand why her paws keep getting wet.

Demo guys show up. They are very, very nice. By the time they're done on day one, there are two dehumidifiers and several large fans going in my house.

We don't have A/C by the way. And it's late June, and even in PDX, that's not great.

Three days later, the demo guys show back up to take out everything that can't be fixed. Our place looked like this:

Once they took all the wet out, we had this hole in our ceiling:

And were walking around on this floor:

That's the original cement floor that was put in when the house was built, by the way.

And then, we spent the ENTIRE SUMMER waiting for someone to FIX OUR FUCKING HOUSE. From the end of June until FUCKING SEPTEMBER we were living with an open ceiling and no actual floor.

I'd email the management company. I'd call. They'd say "Oh, we're working on it. The owner is dragging his feet."

Put a pin in that claim. We'll come back to it.

At the end of July, I ended that friendship I mentioned. I am using it as a measurement here so you understand that a month into my house being like this, I was also going through a massive emotionally fucked up situation.

Work was so fucking busy I nearly burned out. On top of trying to get some answers about when I was gonna get a fucking ceiling and floor again.

By August, I snapped and sent a terselye worded email about how it should not take this long to make some fucking decisions. I got back, "Oh, we're trying, but the owner isn't communicating with us."

Put a pin in that claim, too.

Finally. FINALLY. After FOUR contractors came and looked and gave estimates, we got told "Okay, we're gonna fix your place. In September. It'll take three weeks."

So, for three weeks, we moved into a hotel, and it was...it was fine. But it's not home, okay. I just wanted to be in my fucking house with a fucking ceiling and floor.

Finally, three weeks later, we moved back in, and we had a ceiling! And a floor!

And then I got what I thought was food poisoning. 48 hours of some of the worst pain I've ever had, and my endometriosis is severe enough I had a full hysterectomy at 31 or 32 (I honestly don't recall). Okay. I know from pain. Went to the doctor. Got an anti-nausea injection from the biggest needle I have ever seen in my LIFE. The doctor pushed on my gall bladder and asked if it hurt. I'd been continuously sick for 48 hours. Everything hurt. I said, in all honesty, I couldn't tell.

Went home. Rehydrated. Things seemed fine. They guessed it was my gall bladder anyway, and since I had no history of issues, said "Let's try to change your diet before we go through surgery."

Fine. Whatever. Didn't care.

A week later, in the first week of October, I ended up in the ER because I was sick again. So sick, in fact, I could not keep down apple juice. It took TWO DAYS to get a surgical spot. I went through caffeine withdrawal. The Try Guys released their video about firing Ned. All I wanted to do was go home to my finally fixed house and fucking sleep.

Surgery went fine. Had a full-room hallucination that Sean and I were Chucky and Tiffany from the Chucky movies. Kept telling Sean to kill the nurse so we'd get a larger cut of the money. This has never happened before, but I've also never been on Dilaudid for several days in a row to control my pain. Apparently, when that happens, I think I'm a serial killing doll.

Go home. Rest up. Things seem fine.

In November, I walk into the kitchen one day, look down, and see a space between two of the floorboards that should not be there.

I refuse to deal with it and throw a rug over it.

Over the next several months, more boards start bubbling and warping.

The floor, it appears, has some fucking issues.

I ignore it for almost a year. Yes, I know what you're thinking, "Gayle, why?"

Because 2022 was a fucking disaster, and a major part of it was the flood, and sometimes you just gotta avoid that shit, okay?

But, finally, it's bad enough I know I gotta say something. I send the management company a note. They send a guy. He's great. Says I'll hear back in a week.

I don't.

And then I don't.

And then I don't.

And then the owner asks to inspect the property to see how things are looking.

He sees the floor and is shocked. This is not good. Why is it like this? How long has it been like this? When did I put in a maintenance request? And what was the last thing I heard?

This is November.

In December, we are informed via letter from the owner that he would like to be cc'ed on every request we send to the management company because he is not pleased with their performance.

Well, okay.

In January, we get a hard freeze. And then we got a pinhole leak in a pipe. That I discovered when walking into the kitchen and stepping into--you guessed it--a quarter-inch of water on the floor.

It was comin up from under the boards, but the hole was actually in our wall. We had glare ice. No one in PDX knows how to handle glare ice. The owner made the trip from the deep suburbs to us every day he could (he got stuck once) to get the problem fixed as quickly and neatly as possible.

I heard him on the phone with the management company several times explaining what he was doing, how long he thought it would take, and thanking them for communicating with us.

Which.

It took 4 days. I got one email. At 6:30 PM. On a day I heard him call them at 10 AM.

So. Suddenly "the owner isn't responding" and "the owner won't communicate" seem like complete fucking bullshit. Because he sure as hell responded when he found out there was a leak (we cc'ed him on the email as requested), and I fucking HEARD HIM communicate.

And then we found out that the owner had not had final say on the floor, which now had to be replaced not just for bubbling but for being fucking wrecked from NEW water damage.

But for this new floor, we just went through him, and would you look at that. Clear communication. Regular updates. We were on the concrete again for about three weeks because that's just how far out contractors are booking right now. But the work was done when he said it would be, and by god, it's clearly a much higher quality of flooring.

So. It's done. It's fucking done. It looks beautiful. The owner scrubbed our bathroom before he left for some fucking reason and was worried he'd lost the knob off our washing machine (we bought it used; it's never had that knob). When I met him the first time after the big leak, I thought he was a complete asshole, and it turns out he's actually all right. He gave us money for dinner this week and is also gonna get us a few days of rent comped for having to have people in and out. I'm never renting through this management company again, but if that dude's got other properties through someone else, I'd go there in a second.

April 5, 2024. May it be the last reference I ever have to make to a fucking floor repair in this house.

[tveitertotwrites]

Coming to You

Book: Open Heart

Pairing: Ethan Ramsey x F!MC (Claire Evans)

Rating: General

Category: Fluff (Alternate Universe)

Word Count: 3723

Summary: Claire is an actress working on a new medical TV show and meets Ethan through it.

A/n: I had originally started writing this in August of last year (sounds so weird to say that) but my computer broke and I had forgotten about this until 3 days ago and decided to finish it.

Today was the day that Ethan had been dreading for a while now. He and some other doctors were expected to be showing some actors of an upcoming tv show around the hospital and answering their questions. He knew it was going to be torture for himself as soon as Bloom told him that they were coming and once he found out that he had to give a tour and answer the lead actor and actress’ questions.

While Ethan had found out about their visit a month prior, the rest of the hospital that wasn’t involved in the tour or questions found out two days before. So for the two days before their visit, Ethan had to walk by a bunch of hyper residents who were definitely excited to meet them. He was already waiting for it to be over before it had even begun.

When Ethan’s alarm went off, he was tempted to call in sick to be able to avoid the fangirling employees and patients. But when Ethan looked at his phone and saw a text from Naveen telling him that he had to go into work today, he reluctantly pulled himself out of bed and into the shower before getting ready for work.

Ethan realized he had some extra time before his shift was supposed to start, so he decided to stop at Derry Roasters to get a coffee before driving to Edenbrook. The line wasn’t long when he came in so he was hoping that he could be in and out within a few minutes. Not long after he first started standing in line, there was some commotion outside. Ethan turned towards the window to see what was going on and saw some cameras flashing and people covering their faces as they were walking into the coffee shop. Only the two people came inside and not the paparazzi.

“For a second I thought we wouldn’t escape.” Ethan heard as he faced towards the menu.

“Yeah. I’m glad they’re not allowed to follow us into stores and places like this.”

Ethan heard the two people walking up behind him, but he knew better than to turn around because he knew that other people may want to come up to them and that they deserve some privacy, especially since he didn’t know who they were or what they looked like.

Once Ethan was done ordering, he stood off to the side so the people behind him could order and get out quickly as well. He finally turned and noticed a tall man with fluffy brown hair and a tall woman with black hair. When looking at them, he couldn’t tell who the woman looked like but the man looked familiar to him. When the pair was done ordering, they moved off to the side like Ethan did, which caused him to move over more.

“How long is it before we have to be there?”

“About an hour and 15 before we get there and an hour and a half before the tour starts.”

Hearing this, Ethan immediately thought that they could be the actors that he had to show the hospital to, but then disregarded the thought as it could just be a coincidence that they were followed by the paparazzi and that they have somewhere to be.

30 minutes later, Ethan was in his office writing emails and going over potential patients for the diagnostics team with a half full cup of coffee. He had just sent out an email when there was a knock at the door.

“Come in.”

“So you did come to work. I had to make sure you weren’t going to bail.” Naveen said while closing the door to the diagnostics office.

“First of all, your text was warning enough. Second, you don’t really need me to do it, I’m sure Bloom, Harper, Tobias or even yourself could do it perfectly.”

“Yes but the creative directors of the show specifically asked you to show them around since the show is focused around the diagnostics team of the hospital.”

“Exactly, so why not have the former leader of the diagnostics team, who is also the Chief of Medicine, show them around.”

“Nice try Ethan, but you're not getting out of this. You will do it even if I have to hold your hand like you're a toddler. So I would suggest that you start preparing what you're going to say and show them because you have a little under 45 minutes before they get here.”

And 45 minutes later, Ethan along with Bloom, Harper and Naveen were standing in the foyer of the main entrance of Edenbrook, patiently waiting for the team of actors, writers, producers, and directors of the show to arrive.

“Be nice to them.” Naveen whispered to Ethan as multiple cars drove up towards the entrance.

There were about 6-7 cars in front of the entrance and immediately Ethan saw 3 people get out of the car that was closest to the doors. He saw a man with deep brown hair and fancy clothes get out first, and then he saw two people get out of the car who looked familiar. When he was able to get a good look at them, he realized it was the same two people who were at Derry Roasters earlier that morning. The first man came up to each of them and shook their hands and the other two followed.

“Hello, I’m director and producer Thomas Hunt and they are Matt Rodriguez and Claire Evans who are the leads of the show.”

The three of them each made their way down the line, starting with Bloom and ending with Ethan. Claire was the last one to shake hands and when her and Ethan’s hands met, both of them felt a change somewhere. They just stood there while everyone else was waiting for them to move. Eventually Naveen cleared his throat which caused Claire and Ethan to pull their hands away from each other.

“Anyways, Mr. Hunt, Dr. Emery will be showing you and some of the creative team around. As for Claire and Matt, Dr. Ramsey, who is the Head of Diagnostics here will be showing you around and answering any questions you have.” Bloom said as he split everyone into groups.

Once everyone was grouped, Ethan immediately took them on a tour, half hoping it would be over. A bunch of employees kept trying to come up and ask the two actors for pictures and autographs but Ethan gave everyone a look and they backed off. While showing the two of them around the hospital, Ethan couldn’t help but realize that he was focusing more his attention on Claire and her questions than Matt, but he also didn’t really care. The last stop of the tour was the Diagnostics office and the three of them each sat down in a seat, Claire sitting in Ethan’s usual spot.

“Are there any other questions from the two of you?”

“Not any I can think of.” Matt said.

“None.”

“Ok. Well it was nice meeting the two of you but I do have some work that I need to do, and if either of you have any questions at a later time, here is my email.” Ethan said while grabbing out the cards Bloom made for him to give to them.

“Thank you Doctor Ramsey. Have a good day.”

Both Claire and Matt left the room and Ethan immediately went and sat down at his desk while rubbing his face. He could hear the employees from earlier as well as some patients talking to the actors and asking for photos and autographs. It wasn’t long before Ethan got another text from Naveen, telling him to get down to the main entrance. He made it down just before Bloom and his group got back to the entrance.

“Good. Everyone else is here so I want to say thank you all for joining us today. It was a pleasure to host you all here. I know all of us enjoyed giving you a tour of the hospital and answering your questions.”

“Yes, Doctor No Funsey definitely enjoyed the company.” Bryce whispered loud enough for Ethan to hear and give him and the other residents who were with him a look.

Once the cast and crew were outside, Ethan and Naveen made their way up towards the Diagnostics office. Both of them were quiet but Naveen noticed something different about Ethan.

“Now it wasn’t that bad.” Naveen vocalized.

“Sure.”

“Am I wrong? You seemed to like Claire.”

“No I didn’t.”

“Didn’t you just say earlier today that I was the former head of the diagnostics team?”

“Yeah.”

“Then I diagnose that you think she’s nice and that she could be good for you.”

“Naveen-”

“No. I saw the way you looked at her, both in the foyer when we were first introduced and when I saw you giving Claire and Matt the tour.”

Ethan was confused. “When did you see me on my tour?”

“When you were in pediatrics, you were mostly looking at her and you actually didn’t look like a complete grump for once.” Naveen stated as Ethan had held the door of the diagnostics office, glaring at him.

“Look, all I’m saying is that you seemed to like her and that she seemed to like you. What’s the worst thing that could happen if you pursued each other.”

“If we broke up, one if not both of our reputations could plummet.”

“You’re more worried about a reputation than someone you’re attracted to.”

“Yes. Only because I know that they get bombarded by the paparazzi, journalists, and the media itself and I don't think I could handle that. Also we don’t know about her private life, she could be with someone, possibly even Matt.”

“Listen. I know you like your privacy, everyone does. And yes she could be in a relationship. But would you rather play it safe and later say that you made a mistake for never trying to be something with Claire, or would you rather take a chance and possibly have a great relationship with someone.”

Just as Naveen finished speaking an email popped up in Ethan’s mailbox from Claire.

Hello Dr. Ramsey,

I actually have a few more questions I wanted to ask you and I was wondering if we could meet up in person for them. I understand if you would rather do it over email.

Thank You,

Claire Evans

“Go for it.” Naveen said, causing Ethan to jump.

“You didn’t need to read it.”

“Yeah, sure. But I still think you should go and see what happens.” With that Naveen left the office.

A week later, Ethan was back in Derry Roasters, waiting for Claire to show up. It wasn’t long before he saw paparazzi outside of the coffee shop and what looked like Claire holding her hand out in front of her face as she headed inside. She looked relieved to be inside and smiled when she saw Ethan and had started walking towards him.

“Hi. I’m glad we agreed to meet here.”

Ethan didn’t know what to say so he just nodded and they moved up in line to order. Claire was grabbing something from her bag but when Ethan cleared his throat and gestured towards the register, she looked up and quickly made it up to the front to order.

“Sorry. Can I get a large caramel iced latte?” She then went back to looking through her bag.

“I’ll get an espresso romano.”

When the cashier said the total, both Claire and Ethan held out their cards. The two of them just looked at each other for a second, admiring each other until Ethan snapped out of it and gently pushed Claire’s arm out of the way and paid. Once he had his card back and their drinks were ordered, the two of them stepped off to the side to wait for their drinks.

“I should have paid you know, I’m the one who asked you to come.”

“Yeah but Naveen said I should pay, and I wanted to.”

“Naveen?”

“Dr. Banerji, he was one of the doctors on the tours the other day. I hope it’s alright that he knows.”

“Oh. it’s fine, as long as the paparazzi don’t get a hold of this. They think that they deserve every right to invade my privacy.”

Ethan was about to respond when both of their coffees were handed to them. Then Ethan led her to one of the seating areas that was away from some of the windows.

“So, what did you want to ask me?”

“Huh? Oh right. So, I don’t exactly know what you were told about the show but my character is actually the head of the Diagnostics team and I was kind of wondering what your life is like surrounding that aspect.”

“Oh, well my job is a lot of replying to emails and looking at files of potential patients. I also introduce the team to the patient and explain what’s going on and what has been done to try and help.”

“Ok. Is there anything else?”

“Not really anything important. That is a lot of what the job is beside what we usually do for non diagnostic patients.”

“What are the qualifications for the patients that are specifically for the team, like what makes them different from the other patients the hospital takes in?”

“Well they are typically from different hospitals, like the patients have been to multiple hospitals and they can’t figure out what’s wrong. Or they may have some sort of celebrity status, because Bloom is pushing us to take ones that will bring money.”

“I see. But you don’t like those cases?”

“Not all the time, Bloom only wants them because he knows that there’s money that can be taken from them and not from other patients who may need our help more.”

“That’s sad.”

“It is. But the profession can be very rewarding when you're helping save anyone's life.”

Claire just hummed as she didn’t know what else to say. The two of them just sat there with their drinks and looked at each other and around Derry’s. It wasn’t until a few minutes later that Claire spoke up.

“Can- Can I ask you something that is totally not professional?”

“Go ahead.” Ethan was confused and a little worried to hear what she had to say.

“Would you want to go out on a date?”

To say that Ethan was shocked may be an understatement. While he did have feelings for her, he didn’t really think that those feelings could be reciprocated.

“Really? Aren’t you with someone?”

“No, Who could I have been with?”

“I don’t know, maybe Matt?”

Claire just laughed. “Trust me that will never happen. We’re just friends.”

“Oh. Then I would love to go on a date with you.”

“Ok then.” Claire said while laughing.

The two of them just laughed as they finished their coffees and exchanged numbers before going on with their days. They went on their first date a few weeks later to a restaurant and a movie after Claire finished shooting one day and before Ethan had to head in for a shift. Even though Ethan was hesitant, Claire paid for their food and movie tickets. After the date was over, they continued to text each other as much as they possibly could.

As filming of the show continued, Ethan was allowed to come on set after signing some paperwork. No one had verbally said that Doctor Ramsey showing up to set is suspicious because most of them just figured that he was there to double check that what they were filming could be accurate when he had the time to be there. Some of tha cast and crew like Matt and Thomas had some suspicions as to why he was there but they didn’t bother to say anything, in fear of invading Claire and Ethan’s privacy too much.

When filming wrapped Claire and Ethan had started getting more and more serious to the point where Claire moved into Ethan’s place. Ethan never told Naveen anything about his and Claire’s relationship, but Naveen figured it out pretty quickly that they were together. There were a few nights where Claire and Ethan invited Naveen, Alan, and her parents over for dinner so everyone could meet and they honestly had a good time.

A little over a year after the start of Claire and Ethan’s relationship, the show was having a release party for the cast, crew, friends and family members along with a red carpet. When Claire had told Ethan about it, he immediately shot it down.

“Why don’t you want to go?”

“I hate parties like that. It's mostly just for people to show off and to show who is popular. Plus if there’s a carpet then you’re going to make me stand for photos and people are going to talk about our relationship and be in our business.”

“People are already speculating that I’m in a relationship, why not just make it official and then be done with it.”

“Because I like having our privacy. I hate it when people try to insert themselves where they don’t belong.”

“I know. I’m sorry.”

Ethan sighed. “It’s okay. I will go with you but I want to have no part in the red carpet.”

“Really?”

“It won’t kill me to go to an event with my girlfriend.”

“Yay! Thank you!” Claire said while throwing her arms around his neck and then peppering kisses all over his face, making Ethan laugh.

About a week after the conversation, Ethan found himself in a black suit with a long blue coat, waiting for Claire’s Hair and Makeup team to say she’s ready. He had no idea what she was going to wear so he was a little surprised to see her in a white suit and her black hair pulled away from her face. The two of them smiled at each other as Claire walked over towards Ethan and he slowly pulled her closer to him.

“You look beautiful as always.”

“Thank you. You dress up nicely.”

“Well I may have needed a little bit of help.”

It wasn’t long before the two of them, along with some of Claire’s team were on their way to the party. Ethan didn’t know why he was nervous as he didn’t have a part in anything. Claire noticed and immediately took his hand into hers and rubbed the back of it with her thumb, which made him calm down a lot more.

When they got to the carpet, Ethan got out of the car on one side while Claire got out on the other side as she was immediately pulled towards the carpet and press line. Even though Ethan was strictly against the carpet when they first had a conversation about it, he was thinking about changing his mind. He knew that she had his support while he was off to the side, but he also knew that it would be nice to have more support.

“Excuse me. Do you think I could go onto the carpet?” Ethan asked.

“I think you should be fine, Doctor Ramsey. Go right ahead.

Since they had just gotten to the event, Claire wasn’t far down the carpet so he was able to get up towards her rather quickly. At first Claire couldn’t tell who was coming, so she naturally started to get a little scared. When she realized that it was Ethan, she started to smile bigger than any of the smiles she had given for any of the press photos.

“I thought you said you weren’t going to do the carpet.”

“I wasn't until I figured that I should support my girlfriend more publicly.”

The two of them just smiled at each other as they took photos on the carpet and went through the press line, with Ethan stepping off to the side while she went to talk to different news outlets. Ethan was relieved when Claire only had one interview left and then they were free.

“Hi Claire. It’s good to see you this evening.” The interviewer said.

“Hello. It’s good to see you too.”

“I just wanted to ask you what it was like filming this show.”

“I mean, what can I say? Everyone who was involved in this project put 110% every single day and everyone was great to work with and it’s something that I think all of us are going to be proud of.”

“Great. I have one more question before I let you go, Are you and Ethan Ramsey dating?”

Ethan had been mostly minding his own business while Claire was being interviewed, but this made his head turn. Claire had kind of expected this but he hadn't, which is why he was shocked that the interviewer went straight for it.”

“Uh yes. We are actually, but we do want to keep the details about our relationship private.”

“I understand. Well, have a good rest of your evening!”

“You too!”

Claire waved goodbye to the interviewer and walked off of the carpet towards Ethan. She could tell that he heard the interviewer as he still had a shocked expression on his face. Claire then gently went up and wrapped her arms around Ethan and gave him a small back rub to try and comfort him. After a few seconds, Ethan had calmed down and did the same for her.

“I had a feeling they were going to ask about it as they usually want to know every detail about my personal life.”

“I know that from our conversations but I was hoping that they wouldn’t ask it so that way I could still try and have you to myself.”

“Well, figuring as you were on the carpet with me and they saw us arrive in the same car, I think it was kind of obvious and I’m shocked no one else asked about it. But it does mean that we can possibly be more coupley out in public,”

“Yeah I guess you’re right.”

“And don’t you forget it.”

The two of them just laughed before Ethan pulled her in for a kiss. When she pulled away, they just smiled at each other before heading full into the party.

Perma tags: @bendriversolo @crazy-loca-blog @rookiemartin @zahrachoices

Ethan Only: @cariantha @ofmischiefandmedicine​

@openheartfanfics @choicesficwriterscreations

[darkmermaidao3]

Clarity Chapter Five (Bonten Sanzu)

Minors do not interact (18+ fic)

Warnings: Not very many things going on this chapter, we've got profanity, sexual thoughts, manipulation if you squint really hard, unprofessionalism.

Words in blue are text/email

Doctor Ikeda,

I was so very happy to get such a quick response from you and I apologize for not getting back to you sooner, the holiday has put me significantly behind on a number of things, I’m sure you’re going through something similar at your clinic. I can’t express how thankful I am that you agreed to work alongside me for this case, it’s quite the tough one and I truly believe that with our combined efforts, we should manage to find some answers and come to conclusions about it by putting our heads together. I’ve attached copies of all the information relevant to the case, some of it is repetitive as they’re from the various doctors that had a go at it before us. I have pages worth of notes I’ve compiled concerning my thoughts about it and once you’ve done the same, I would love to get together with you to discuss them. I know of a wonderful restaurant in Ebisu where we could-

“Could you be any more insufferable?” the woman muttered to herself, irritation in her voice; she rubbed at her temples, willing the approaching headache to go away, Shimizu had put it in motion with this ridiculous email and she already knew that playing nice with him was going to be a trying time for her.

Yuki wasn’t so sure what she would rather deal with at this point nor which side of him was any less of a pain, his over-the-top fake politeness or his argumentative and demeaning attitude. It was obvious just how hard he was trying to pull the wool over her eyes, but she wasn’t an idiot. He’d only reached out to her because he couldn’t solve this case himself, he didn’t want to admit defeat, so he’d rather team up with her and get partial shared credit than none at all; she was sure his family had something to do with it, the Shimizu’s had never once given up on a case and he was expected to do whatever it took to keep that record going strong. Regardless of how unbearable being around the man would be, especially considering she’d chosen to do so of her own freewill, she’d have to suck it up because saving a life was far more important than her ego. As great as the money was, she hadn’t become a doctor for a high pay day, watching her grandmother wither away to nothing had been the start of it all. The doctors hadn’t had the answers, they hadn’t been capable of doing anything for her except managing her pain and when she finally passed on after years of torment, the white-headed woman started working on her thesis about that disease; she was going to find the answers one day.

Moving on, she needed to save all those files he’d sent over before she replied to his irritating email, make physical copies of them after, and get to work on studying them at her earliest convenience. She already had so much on her plate and more only continued adding to it since she’d gotten herself caught up in too much at once, she didn’t know how she was going to manage. She had this current situation with the shared case, she’d had to push back her visit to the orphanage so now she had to find another day soon this month where she’d be capable of going, she had to make time to continue her research and work on her thesis so she could (hopefully) have it done by the next conference like she’d been trying to do for years, she’d spent the whole of today on phone call after phone call as she rescheduled every single one of her appointments for the rest of the week herself since she’d closed the clinic, so much for a vacation.

‘…coffee.’

Not only had that new coffee brewer for the staff room come in right on schedule but she’d ordered one to keep in her office with hopes that it would keep her from being interrupted nearly as often, she felt like she’d made a mistake though seeing as now she was drinking coffee practically the whole day to keep herself awake with how exhausted she was; she was going to wind up with a caffeine high before the end of it all. There was so much that she needed to see to, and she couldn’t give any of those things her entire focus or all of her attention as it were, they may have been priorities but none of them were at the tiptop of the list; that spot was taken.

‘Don’t look, you’re being a creep.’

Yuki bit into her lower lip, rolling it between her teeth with thoughts of why it was best that she did not look for a little while longer, she couldn’t continue on like this and had to find a way to stop the slightly obsessive behavior so she could actually get things done. There was absolutely no reason for her to behave this way, she had to focus on the things that mattered and although her patient certainly did matter more so than anything else going on right now, it wasn’t an excuse to hover around him. He needed to continue resting without her distracting him, the incisions were healing and showing no signs of infection, it was looking like he was almost in a good place where she’d be able to stop the morphine and swap it out for a painkiller in the form of a pill. She had plenty of those in stock and she’d certainly be sending him on his way with a prescription once he was at a place where he could leave, that was the goal after all, to get him healed up so he could go back to his regular life. He wouldn’t be staying at her clinic forever and she had to come to terms with the reality that she’d more than likely never see him again, she had to be okay with it because there was honestly zero reason why she should be antsy about it. Yes, she would naturally worry because she did so towards all her patients but with him…

‘It’s different.’

As cliché as it sounded, it was different with him, and the young doctor was aware that it made her seem desperate but what else was she supposed to think after he’d touched her in what was very obviously meant to be an intimate way? She bit harder into her lip at the memory of his hand brushing strands of white from her eyes, his featherlight touch ghosting along her cheek, his aquamarine pools hadn’t pulled away from her once during that time and her heart was readying itself to give out simply from that alone. The female needed to remind herself that he hadn’t been sober since before she had to perform surgery, morphine was a strong opiate and half the time, people didn’t remember much of anything with how floaty it made their head feel, disrupting their cognitive function and the like. There wasn’t much of a chance that he’d remembered doing so considering he hadn’t made attempts to do it again, she couldn’t answer why he’d done so to begin with taking into account that he still hadn’t spoken a word to her, and it’d been days since he'd first woken up after the procedure; he was high with how strong that stuff was and she couldn’t take anything he did in that state as being meaningful.

‘There’s no reason for this.’

There wasn’t one, as a medical professional, she was supposed to have been maintaining said professionalism this entire time and instead, she was doing things that were entirely leftfield from her normal, she almost didn’t know who she was. She couldn’t count the number of times she’d gotten lost in her head daydreaming about him when she was supposed to be focusing on her work, she’d embarrassed herself probably well over a hundred times when he’d catch her gazing at him and during the moments that he’d be staring at her, it’d take everything she had not to shift around because of the sticky sin pooling in her panties. As beautiful as he was, that wasn’t an excuse to lose her wits, she was a doctor and she’d already seen her fair share of attractive men, so she should’ve had no problem keeping herself held together.

‘But they weren’t him.’

Her lavender orbs flicked away from her laptop at the thought and flittered in the direction of the hospital bed, trying to be as subtle as possible when they locked onto the pink-haired man, the tension in her body melting away at the sight. He was still sleeping, as he’d been for a couple hours now since she’d given him that last dose of morphine so she needed to keep her butt parked in this chair until he came to on his own, rest was the most important part, and it was almost as though he could sense her presence during the moments that she approached him when he was asleep. She didn’t need to compulsively check his vitals anymore once an hour as she’d done before, he was entirely stable now and she couldn’t continue to disturb him as she’d wound up doing more than a few times since she couldn’t seem to keep her distance. The internal struggle had only gotten worse since he’d touched her and she’d never been intimately touched by a man, he’d caressed her cheek as though she was as fragile as glass and would shatter under his touch. Her emotions were in a frenzy during the moment, her pulse racing and heart pounding so hard that it was a wonder that he didn’t hear it, she couldn’t recall what had been going on in her head as she’d practically blanked simply out of how flustered she felt.

The woman couldn’t count the number of times her friends had pestered her about dating over the years since she’d become an adult, even before then when she was a teenager, but they hadn’t been nearly as adamant about it since there weren’t very many teenagers on campus at university. Kaori had been so defensive that most men hadn’t been willing to even attempt to approach her and as much as she still backed her up when Choyo and Akari started on her about it, even she would make comments about how there wasn’t anything wrong with casual dating. Akari was a social butterfly and friends with an abundance of people, she’d made so many attempts to introduce her to someone she felt would be good for her and as much as Yuki appreciated the thought, she’d always been more focused on her career. Choyo was always starting the argument that she didn’t have to be in a serious relationship to date, there was no reason why she shouldn’t go out once a week or so, how nice it was to get to know someone, and her career shouldn’t have impeded on her social life. As right as all her friends were, dating was something she had zero experience in and didn’t know the first thing about, she wouldn’t know what to talk about or what to do; she’d been a frazzled mess when her cheek was touched so how was she supposed to get through a kiss, let alone sex?

Just the thought alone was enough to cause her face to flush and thighs squeeze together, the silent embarrassment of what his intense stare did to her, the way his aquamarine pools would zero in on her and watch every move she made, studying everything about her. She was anxious every time she noticed his unrelenting gaze and trying to ignore the ever-present arousal was a challenge, thoughts swimming with scenarios that she’d gotten lost in a multitude of times. Her pulse would race at the thought of him being close enough that his lips would brush hers, her heart would pound at the idea of his hands slipping under her dress, her face would burn over the imaginings of him between her legs…which only continued to get worse the longer she was around her PATIENT!

‘Stop it!’

It was too late, her face had to of resembled a tomato from how hot it felt and ignoring the warmth that had settled in her panties was impossible, she didn’t know how she was going to manage to get through the next few days without losing the battle against her raging hormones. There were too many factors at play, outside of the fact that she was a virgin, he was beautiful to the point that her brain quite literally turned to mush just from looking at him for too long, her dream guy didn’t even compare to how gorgeous this man was. She’d never felt so bashful in all her life and although she was managing to push her shyness off to the side to attend to her duties as a doctor in order to give him the best care, it wasn’t letting up nor fading away as the days went by. It was as though the longer they were around one another, the worse it would get, and it didn’t help anything that when she wasn’t looking at him, she could feel his eyes burning holes through her. At first, she’d been sure it was out of wariness considering he’d not only tried to shoot her in the beginning but had almost strangled her to the point of passing out, it’d become clear though that he’d moved passed feeling distrustful of her. 

His stare wasn’t out of keeping his guard up or even curiosity, he was looking at her in the very way that she was looking at him, obviously imagining the same things that she herself was with how his gaze continued raking over every inch of her and because he was on a powerful opiate, she couldn’t take it with anything but a grain of salt. He was impaired, his mind nowhere near where hers was since she was sober and it was doubtful that he’d be looking at her the same way once he was off the morphine, even more doubtful was that he’d remember the last several days which undoubtedly meant that she needed to pull herself together. She had to get him off the morphine and onto another painkiller that he could take with him when he left her clinic, maybe some muscle relaxers to take as needed, anti-inflammatories for the swelling; her mindset had to be one of a medical professional. Her train of thought hadn’t been anything close to what it should’ve been, and she’d already internally scolded herself on an infinite loop for the graphic images that continued floating in her head, she had to remind herself that the feelings she was having towards a patient was unacceptable.

What was worse, the woman didn’t know what she would even do if he wasn’t at a solid point by the time Monday rolled around, she couldn’t put off opening the clinic any longer than that because not only did her staff need their hours, her other patients certainly needed her. Her life couldn’t be on pause simply because of one person and she shouldn’t have even considered doing what she had; she should’ve gotten an ambulance transport as soon as he was stable after surgery, she should’ve called the police because even if she didn’t tell them about him trying to shoot her, he’d been shot, and the authorities would’ve needed to follow up on that. She’d made a huge mistake that she couldn’t correct with how much time had passed and getting in contact with the authorities now wouldn’t have done anything except make things a mess for her; her patient had silently made it clear he didn’t want to go to a hospital, and she didn’t want to imagine how infuriated he’d be if she made attempts to get him to one. If he wasn’t in a place where he was healed up enough to resume his daily life by Sunday evening at the latest, she’d have to figure something out, no one could know about him or what had happened last Friday, lest things become even more complicated than they already were.

A weary sigh left her in complete frustration with herself as she entered the medication room to grab a dose of morphine, she’d gotten herself into quite the huge mess and it was only getting better by the day; she didn’t know what she was going to do. She hadn’t been home in nine days now, she was sure that her cat was almost out of food and desperately needed his litter changed out, she’d thrown on her last clean dress yesterday, she’d practically cleaned out the cupboards and fridge of the breakroom, and she so badly wanted a shower. The young doctor knew that she’d run herself completely ragged by now since she was at a point of wanting to be home but there wasn’t anything that she could do about it, she couldn’t leave her patient unattended, even just popping out for an hour wasn’t plausible since she couldn’t trust him on his own. He’d come far already, he hadn’t needed fluids for a while, she’d taken him off the heart rate monitor as well, he still had the IV solely for the morphine injections and that was about to come out no later than tomorrow, all she was really doing now was managing his pain and waiting for the stitches to dissolve, that was still days away though. 

‘Maybe I could…no, don’t be stupid.’

Not only was it unprofessional but it most certainly wouldn’t send a good message to him, taking a patient to her house was out of the realm of being socially acceptable, not to mention she didn’t even know his name or a thing about him aside from his blood type. It was the furthest thing from being smart, it was highly unsafe as well, but could she even make that argument considering she’d been alone with a complete stranger since Friday? He hadn’t made a violent move against her since she made her intentions known that she wanted to help him, he’d developed some form of trust towards her since he wasn’t trying to deter her from checking his vitals and such, he may have not spoken to her yet but that hadn’t been bothersome to her. This could also be the best move that she could make, if he wasn’t at a place where she felt confident that he could manage on his own, then being tucked away at her house would keep her staff from finding out about him and it’d be more comfortable for the both of them; she was sure he wanted a shower just as much as she did and she could cook a real meal for once…or order takeout. 

‘Am I really doing this?’

Yuki didn’t know how she could even ask that, especially considering she’d already grabbed a few bottles worth of the medications she’d need for the upcoming days and for her patient to have when he left her, already having doctored all the records so no one would know they were missing from the medication room; there was no backing out and the only way was forward.

‘It’s just a few days, just like how it’s been here.’

Her hands were entirely full as she reentered her office, it almost sounded like she was starting a Mariachi band where the primary instrument was maracas with how many pill bottles were being shaken with each of her steps, keeping as secure of a hold as she could on the syringe of morphine while she dumped the contents onto her desk with a heavy sigh of relief. She’d get them tucked away into her purse and after her patient woke up then they could be on their way so long as he was comfortable with doing so, she couldn’t give him this last dose until after they made it, otherwise he’d be deadweight and there was zero chance she could move him should that happen. The woman eased her laptop shut before grabbing her purse off the hook, opening it up and tossing one bottle after another into it, the front pocket was the safest place for the opiate. She closed up the main pocket and zipped open the front one, making to tuck the syringe in, pausing her movements when she felt the warm hand pressing against her hip from behind her.

‘Breathe, you have to breathe.’

The white-headed woman warily turned to look back over her shoulder, her heart fluttering no sooner did lavender meet aquamarine, she hadn’t known he was awake upon her return but then again, she’d been so focused getting things packed to keep herself from hovering. She was pleased that he wasn’t struggling to keep himself held upright, he’d walked around a little yesterday after she’d pushed him to do so, his expression had been the furthest thing from happy with her since she’d refused to give him morphine until then. As dilated as his pupils still were, the usual impassive expression he directed at her was nonexistent, his lips pressed into a thin line and hinting at displeasure; she noticed he always did so when he was in pain, but it shouldn’t have been wearing off yet. Her lips parted to speak but she didn’t manage a single word when his hand tightened around her hip just enough that he could guide her to turn to face him, warmth building on her cheeks when it registered that she was sandwiched between him and her desk, hardly a foot of space separating them.

‘Get it together.’

She was struggling to remember how to breathe at the light squeeze of his hand, her eyes darting away from his shyly, trying to gather herself enough that she could find the right words. Her heart could’ve given out right there over the light push against her hip that had her lower back bumping the desk and his fingers hooked under her chin, urging her to meet his unrelenting stare.

‘Breathe, breathe, breathe.’

She didn’t know how she was even managing to think with how intense his gaze was this time around, she hadn’t expected whatsoever for him to get so close to her, his face had hovered so close that if she stood up on her toes then it’d be just enough that she could-

‘No, stop it!’

“I-I um…w-we’re…I mean…” the woman hesitated, trying her utmost best to steady her voice; her mouth felt thick with spit over just how deeply he was studying her, his piercing eyes leaving hers only to drop to her lips.

‘Breathe, fuck, shit.’

“W-we’re going to go-go to my house f-for a few days.” She stammered, her tone anxious; it seemed that had been the last thing he’d expected to hear, his gaze darting back to hers no sooner did she have the words out. “I-I mean…it-it’s just a precaution, in case y-you need more time. I have to reopen Monday and um…I need to feed my cat.”

‘Get it together, come on.’

“I-is that…okay?” she continued, her voice filled with worry; she wished she knew what this man was thinking, his expression hadn’t faltered whatsoever aside from swapping back to his usual neutral look and he hadn’t shown a single sign of discomfort, a simple head movement would satisfy her at this point. “I-if you’re not comfortable with that, I-I can always-”

She sealed her lips when his hand gave her hip a gentle squeeze, the pink on her cheeks darkening a shade and breaking away from his stare was impossible, not only hadn’t he released her chin, but she could’ve sworn he was hovering closer to her; he was. Strands of pink were slipping over his shoulders as he leaned closer to her, almost pressed right up against her and she’d entirely forgotten how to breathe when she felt his warm breath ghost over her lips, she didn’t know how she’d keep herself in line if he got any closer to her. He was breathtakingly beautiful and out of everything she’d admired about him, as nerve-wracking as being under his gaze was, his eyes had to be her favorite thing about him; he looked at her as though he was trying to see straight into the depths of her soul, it was no wonder she blanked practically every time she was on the receiving end of his stare.

‘So pretty.’

“Are you always so shy, Doctor?”

Yuki wasn’t sure what was more prevalent in the moment, her heart threatening to give out or the blush overtaking her face as she stared up at him in a combination of dumbfounded and total awe, her eyes as wide as saucers. He’d just spoken to her, after four days, he’d finally said something to her and the sound of his voice had done more to her than she’d ever expected, her panties were soaked. Her face was flushing furiously over the question, this man had the audacity not to speak to her for FOUR days and the first words out of his mouth were meant to tease her, she’d never felt so flustered in all her life. She was reeling in shock from just how unexpected it was, so much so that she was grasping at straws with hopes to figure out what to even say in response and she could’ve swallowed her tongue when his thumb brushed across her lips, his head just barely cocking to the side to observe her from another angle.

‘Breathe, you have to breathe!’

“I-I…umm…it-it’s just…” she responded, stumbling over her words despite how hard she was trying to pull herself together; she’d certainly made a complete fool of herself and would continue to do so unless she could reel herself in. “Y-you haven’t…”

This man had to of known the effect he had on her, between the knowing look in his eyes and the small smirk that formed on his lips from her babbling, he was already fully aware of what he did to her, she could almost feel the confidence pouring off him as his aquamarine pools held her lavender ones.

“I’m sorry, what was that; Doctor?” he pressed, his voice the definition of teasing; her face was on fire in embarrassment, her thighs shifting closer together absentmindedly in response. “Am I making you nervous?”

“N-no.” she managed timidly; the pink-haired man didn’t look convinced whatsoever, the smirk on his lips widening as he released her chin, placing his hand flat against the wood of the desk and essentially caging her in. “You-you’re still healing, you shouldn’t-”

“I can’t feel shit right now, Doctor.” He interrupted; the woman felt a shiver move through her when his hand slid away from her hip to the curve of her waist, she was positive her panties were ruined from how wet she was, and he was so close that even just a subtle shift in her weight would have him pressed up against her. “If we’re going, we should now before it wears off.”

As confused as she felt over just how much composure he had, she didn’t bother questioning it, it’d been the same when he’d been bleeding out and refusing to ask for assistance, his expression hadn’t faltered then, and it wasn’t faltering now despite that he was still impaired. Although the high wasn’t nearly what it would be had she just given him a fresh dose, his brain was still floaty, and he’d been able to express that it was still strong enough in his system that he couldn’t feel any pain. He was right about needing to get going before it wore off, she may be able to get him off the morphine starting tomorrow but he’d still need pain medication for the upcoming days, he’d been shot twelve times after all. She’d hoped he’d be in a good spot come Monday, figuring he’d want to get back to his regular life but now she found herself hoping that it’d take a little while longer just so she could get more time with him since he’d finally chosen to speak to her; she couldn’t imagine just how antsy she’d feel being at work for ten hours rather than looking after him should that be the case. She nodded in reply rather than the alternative of trying to force out words that she knew she’d struggle with, his aquamarine pools taking her in for a brief moment before he took a step back from her and she somehow managed to resist the urge to whine in protest when his hand left her waist; the upcoming days were going to be a rough time for her.

Had they not been so pressed for time, she certainly would’ve struggled to keep herself held together numerous times over the course forty minutes, everything from leaving the clinic to the drive to her house would’ve been a time and a half, and the only thing that saved her was keeping herself in that professional headspace paired with her patient keeping his hands to himself. Every bit of that composure was threatening to shatter no sooner did she lock the door behind them, her lip rolling between her teeth when his gaze found her form for what had to of been the thousandth time since he’d woken up Saturday night, she was unsure just what to do now that they were tucked away in her home. She’d never had a man over before, the last one having ever been in the house was her grandfather and he’d passed away when she’d been hardly six, she’d never imagined just how out of place she’d feel in her own home simply from a visitor. She just had to stick with what she’d been thinking about before he’d unexpectedly woken up, she could get him settled, take care of everything for her cat before she ordered some takeout for dinner, start some laundry for herself and her guest (her grandmother had never had the heart to throw out anything belonging to her grandfather and she knew for a fact any of it would fit, she’d have to return the clothes she’d found for him at the clinic on Monday), showers for both of them, get him settled into the guest room and she could finally pass out after she gave him that last dose of morphine.

‘Have to keep it together for just a little while.’

The sound of patters was enough to settle her down and pull her out of her head, her gaze pulling from his while she knelt down just enough that she could nuzzle her nose against her sweet boy’s; she was sure that her cat was furious over how long she’d been gone, she usually didn’t leave him for longer than five days and it’d put her behind on her usual routine with him. He certainly needed brushed, he was constantly shedding, and she’d find black fur quite literally all over her house every day.

“I know, you’re hungry, aren’t you?” the woman murmured, her voice apologetic; Kuro was undoubtedly upset with her, meowing and much more talkative than usual, nuzzling his head everywhere that he could reach while she turned her attention back to the man. “I um, I’m going to feed him, and I’ll order some takeout for us…is that alright?”

Yuki didn’t know why she was even asking; this was her house to begin with, so she didn’t need to ask for permission to do anything here, she must’ve still just been frazzled over how much had happened today that she hadn’t anticipated and was struggling to ground herself. Pink was streaking over her cheeks all over again as he looked at her in the same way he had been for days, giving her a short nod in reply without saying a word, she hoped they weren’t back to not being on speaking terms but pressing him wasn’t in her best interest; her cat was going to lose his mind if she didn’t feed him right now. She pulled her eyes from his bashfully, ducking her head while she scampered down the hallway towards the kitchen with her sweet boy at her heels, the heavier footsteps filling the silence by the time she’d turned the corner and she exhaled a slow breath, trying to calm her nerves with reminders that everything would be as it’d been at the clinic, the only difference being the location. It took less than three minutes for her to refill the automatic feeder, Kuro immediately buried his face in the bowl with enthusiasm while she got fresh water for him, keeping her ears open for the pink-haired man. She could hear his footsteps as he wandered around her house, the morphine seemed to still be managing his pain, so it gave her the chance to get some things done while he explored.

Laundry started, takeout ordered, fresh sheets on the bed in the guest room, her things tucked away in her bedroom along with all those pills and that last dose, she’d have to remove the IV tonight, so she gathered up everything she’d need for that and set it off to the side until later; there wasn’t much else she could do until laundry was finished or dinner arrived. She breathed a deep sigh, turning her phone off and placing it on charge for the night, her fingers pinching open the claw-clip and freeing the rest of her white locks, brushing the shorter strands away from her eyes. She needed a game plan for the upcoming days, to figure out what she was going to do for when she had to go back to work if he wasn’t ready because although she was entirely fine with him staying at her house, she would worry herself half to death since she wouldn’t be able to keep an eye on him for ten hours at a time. If she wasn’t the sole doctor at her clinic then shortening her days wouldn’t be questionable, her nurse practitioners could do quite a bit to help lighten the load on the days she absolutely had to leave early but she tried not to do that often, hiring another doctor on was an option she could consider but she felt it would be suspicious to some degree since she’d taken a ”vacation” completely out of the blue.

‘There’s nothing I can do that wouldn’t raise questions.’

There wasn’t and she’d already done so much already that had been the biggest curveball ever thrown at her, doctoring the inventory so no one would know that high class medications had been essentially stolen, she’d performed a surgery without contacting anyone afterwards, she’d cleaned up the evidence of what her staff would see as a break-in, she’d kept a total stranger in her clinic for days, only to take him to her house to hide his existence. She’d have to go into work Monday early enough that she could hide all the evidence of another person and what she’d done, clean everything out from her office, get everything back in her make-shift hospital room and lock up the door until she had the time to actually put things back the way they’d been beforehand. The young doctor was doing things that she’d never dreamed of and as optimistic as she wanted to be that things would continue on as they had after her patient was on his way, she wasn’t naïve enough to believe that as truth. Things would never go back to how they’d been before Friday unless she wound up with amnesia and had the event completely wiped from her brain, she may not have known how it was going to affect her life moving forward, but it undoubtedly would.

Regardless, Yuki knew that she’d done the right thing, she wouldn’t have been able to live with herself if she hadn’t, she’d gone into the medical field to save lives and that’s what she’d done. She’d saved someone’s life and with the precautions she’d taken, no one would know aside from her and her pink-haired patient, she didn’t need nor want recognition for doing what she felt was right. She was worrying herself for nothing, this wouldn’t drastically affect her life in any way shape or form, she was just overanalyzing things. Once they parted ways, it’d be like it never happened, she’d go back to what she’d been doing and he’d go back to his life, they’d never see each other again, and that was that. The occasional thought about one another was the extent of it, maybe see one another on the street in passing but even that was slim chances with how crowded of a place Tokyo was.

The white-headed woman paused from pulling the last box from the delivery bag when she felt the warm hand press against the curve of her waist, her cheeks flushing as she looked back over her shoulder, lavender meeting aquamarine.

‘Just a few days.’ 

[nancypullen]

Typical Tuesday

Life moves at a snail’s pace here but so do I.  I used to be such a bouncy, bright gal until my ankles and feet decided to turn on me.  Now everything hurts and cracks, and scoffs at me when I say, “Hey we should dance!” Boy, I miss dancing.  I still shimmy around the kitchen when I cook, but sustained dancing for an hour or so seems like a big ask. Poor, poor me.

I’m only thinking about that because I just tried making an appointment with an orthopedic doctor for a weird thing that’s causing pain in my left ankle, formerly known as my “good ankle”.  I was on hold for about ten minutes, went through the new patient song and dance with a very friendly young woman, gave all of my pertinent info, and then she said, “Okay, just as soon as your former doctor sends your medical records someone will call you to schedule an appointment.”  Well, crap.  I replied, “I’m going to go out on a limb and guess that you will not request those records.”  She confirmed that, said I’d have to get them to fax the records, and hopefully everyone would do their part and I can see a doctor before my foot falls off.  Immediately after ending that call I placed a call to my doctor in Tennessee and said I needed my records to be faxed up here.  That not-so-nice lady said that would require an official form from the doctor’s office in Maryland, and blah blah blah.  I explained that they told me I had to make the request and maybe I get the form from them, or perhaps it could be emailed to me, or could I possibly find it on their (TN) website. I was battering her with all of the ways I might be able to get my hands on the form and get this done today, when she finally sighed and said, “Look just email me giving your permission to release the records and put your name and date of birth in the email.”   Now, was that so hard? I thanked her profusely and sent the email fifteen seconds after we hung up.  Who thinks that this will all go smoothly and I’ll get a call this week?  I’d say those odds are slim. I hope I’m wrong, but I’ll bet I have to request the records at least once more and won’t see a doctor before September. Ugh. But that’s not why I’m here.  I’m here because I don’t post enough and I’m trying to make myself show up.  It would help if I had something to actually write about but you’ll just have to bear with me. If I show up every day maybe my muse will show up too. Cross your fingers, light a candle, rub some beads.

Today started the way our days it always start. The mister gets up early and goes out for a long walk.  He likes to show off his healthy feet. He listens to audiobooks and watches the town wake up.  While he’s doing that I play word games on my phone (Wordle, Spelling Bee, Letter Boxed, Connections, etc). Then I have long conversations with the cats, eventually get up and make the bed, and ease into my day.  We’re very different people. For example, he’s been watching Wimbledon and he caught me tuned into the Hallmark channel’s Christmas in July.

Don’t judge me. The world is on fire, I needed a dose of predictable sweetness with a happy ending. Speaking of sweetness, on Sunday we drove over to spend an afternoon with the Edgewater gang.  Everyone is getting ready to scatter on different trips, so we wanted to hug them before that happened.  Little Miss was as entertaining and fun as always.  We were treated to a mermaid water show in her pool, I played Barbies with her for a little while, and then she belly laughed while driving her cats bonkers with a laser pointer.  It was a full afternoon.  A big storm blew in and dumped tons of rain that same afternoon.  We made our exit when there was a break in the radar and raced the rain home.  As we started across the Chesapeake Bay Bridge I saw these big freighters lined up to head into port, and those ominous clouds hovering above them.  Yikes.

That was snapped from a moving car so the quality isn’t great, but...anyone else notice there’s a chunk of the bridge missing?  I didn’t notice it when I took the picture, I was too busy looking at those ships.  Doesn’t look big enough to alter the integrity of the structure, but what the heck happened there?  Someone had a bad day.

On a happier note, I’ve got one sunflower fully opened and several nearly there. Aren’t they cheerful? I just love ‘em.

Other things that give me pleasure are clean windows (how’s that for a segue?). My sister turned me on to this fabulous spray cleaner. 

It’s amazing. Even better, it smells wonderful and it’s just $2.50!  I picked up my can at Walmart, I’m sure it’s sold elsewhere.  Anyway, it’s cheap, it leaves windows sparkling and streak-free, and the fragrance smells just like the lobby of the fancy-schmancy Grosvenor House Hotel in London.  No lie.  When we stayed there like the Clampetts a few years back it was one of the best parts of the stay - walking into that lobby and being enveloped in the fragrance.  I didn’t know if it was all of the fresh flowers, some special spray they used, or if that’s what loads of money smells like.  Whatever it was, you can have it in your home for $2.50.  I’m a fan. I’m not a fan of my hair. I mean, that’s not exactly news. It’s been an on-going battle since kindergarten.  I’ve let it grow again, it’s long again, and I look stuck in the 70′s. My hair behaves a little better when it’s long, the weight is like a Thunder Shirt. But I don’t think the length is a friend to my face, I know the style isn’t. To be fair, I go through this every year during July and August.  The height of summer heat and humidity always makes me want to shave my head. I was zipping along just fine in June, it wasn’t even hot.  Right around the 4th of July the sticky heat arrived and my hair lost its dang mind.  I’m walking around looking like this.

So I’m spending lots of time on Pinterest looking at short haircuts.  I’m going to do it it’s just a matter of choosing a style (which won’t work), a place (good luck with that), and screwing up my courage.  We all know this will be a disaster.  It always is.  I don’t think I’ve even once walked into a salon and walked out feeling better.  It’s a generational curse.  But it’s been quite a while since I tempted fate, and I’m feeing so ugly lately anyway, might as well. Best case scenario, I end up with a cute, fresh style that I like. 

 Worst case scenario, I look like Mrs. Claus. 

It’s a safe bet that I have more Mrs. Claus tendencies than I do Helen Mirren tendencies. Darn.  If nothing else maybe it’s just time for a change.  Will I miss the ease of a ponytail or a big hair clip? Yep.  Will I miss this same, old, tired hairstyle? Nope.  Well, maybe.  There’s always comfort in what we know vs the unknown.    Finding a place is daunting.  I called the Ulta salon in Easton thinking that if the haircut sucked then at least I’d be inside Ulta and I could treat myself to a new lipstick or something.  They only have two stylists and a haircut and blowdry is $70.  I will start up the weedeater and let it cut my hair before I pay $70.  I don’t want to go to the salon that I visited in Denton, the owner cut my hair and she was delightful, but the haircut was not.  There are plenty of others in the area, mostly pricey, so I may just have to throw a dart and pick a place.  Or I could spend the rest of my life in a ponytail. Back to Pinterest...

Raise your hand if you’re tired of hearing me talk about my hair.

Told you I didn’t have anything to write about, pretty sure the glass cleaner was the high point of this post.  I think I’ll head upstairs and soak in a bubble bath and lose myself in a book - a book where the main character has perfect hair. I hope that your week has been a delight so far.  I hope that you have had at least one good laugh and at least two moments of pure pleasure.  If not, hey, it’s only Tuesday!  There’s plenty of time. Sending out loads of love tonight. Stay safe, stay well. XOXO, Nancy

[idkguessiwillbloghere]

Blog Post #22

Feeling: Deeply depressed Weather: Cold Last thing I ate: Spaghetti Last thing I drank: Melatonin tea I quit my last job a month ago and I still don’t have a new job. I’ve applied places; all of the “no one wants to work anymore, we’re understaffed” whiners never return my calls or emails; they’re clearly just reaping government COVID relief finances. I wish I had the energy to report them directly to the state government. I’m sure someone out there is like “but people need those relief funds with inflation.” I say fuck you I need to work, we all do; we don’t get to be destitute and shat on for “being too lazy to work” at the same time. I’m also still trying to unsuccessfully process just how shitty people are in general. The most recent thing on my mind is I had a now former coworker (who has a knife-sharpening business on the side) fix one of my knives. My knife was custom-made, but because it was stored in a shitty leather pouch, it got moldy and rusted. It was all pitted and whatnot. When I gave him the knife to work on, I asked him how much it would cost me. He said nothing, but it would take ages to get it done because he had so many other orders to take care of. About seven months went by. I checked in once in a while, he kept saying he was still too busy. Eventually he said he was about to get to it. I asked him again if he needed me to pay anything. He said $20. Alright, would’ve been best if he said so from the start, but I meant what I asked, so I’m happy to pay it. But because this isn’t my first rodeo with shitty people, when he messaged me today saying it was done (and at THIS point, explaining that his style of fixing knives is “Wabi Sabi,” and “that’s why it’s a little uneven), I asked this question again as a test. This is someone I have been tempted to hang out with, I want to know who he really is. Guess what? He wants $40 now, unless I want more of the pitting taken out, then it’ll cost even more. I forgot to call the doctor office I worked at; as employees, our blood draws and other simple procedures are normally waived. But since my former boss now hates me, she is trying to stick me with the bill. I got a threatening letter from the organization that processes the blood draws, telling me I will be sent to collections and my credit score will suffer if I don’t pay them. I shouldn’t be paying them, the medical office should. Thankfully not everyone who works there is a shitstain; most people there like me. I called and left a message for the receptionist about the matter, I just need to call her back again. Which reminds me, my now second former therapist of the year put me in the ER, claiming I was going to kill myself that same night. He asked me, and I quote, “Are you going to kill yourself in the next two days?” I said honestly and plainly, “No.” He said, “I’m not convinced,” and proceeded to say that I either go to the ER right then, or he would call the cops on me. So ER it was. And the ER treated me like garbage, and were about to strip me naked, tie me to the bed, and take my phone away; I called my father, who’s a lawyer, he thankfully got there in time and every fuckface who was trying to pull some shit dispersed. Then, hours later, the psychology expert who I was sent there to see FINALLY showed up, talked to me for ten seconds, and was like, “O, you’re not suicidal.” And I was like yeah no motherfucking shit. But of course, I’m stuck with a huge bill from a visit that was medically unnecessary. The hospital did the whole dog and pony show of “We’re taking your concerns super seriously and we’ll let you know the results after our higher-ups review your concerns.” Obviously it ended with them sending me a letter telling me that they were 100% justified in their shit behavior and I need to pay them. Because that’s how capitalistic suicide “prevention” works. Ironically, it all just makes me want to die now.

The roommates I was going to have in Oregon had claimed they were looking for a house because their apartment lease was ending this December, and that I could come live with them when they got it. Of course, no house, renewed lease. That means that if I can’t secure a place to move to by March, when my lease is up, I gotta remain stuck here in a terrible environment for another year. I finally cleaned my fish tank. My crawfish and danio are much happier now. I’m tired. I’m going to bed.

[ddejavvu]

HEAR ME OUT aaron with a  Morticia Addams like wife that comes to like drop him off lunch or something and the og team gets to met her for the first time and they are like “wtf he got a goth wife??”and he’s just head over heels for her 

sorry sorry sorry i know you said the og team but goth!prentiss is so special to me so i had to make it s2

--

"Woah, Prentiss," Derek is quick to elbow the agent sitting at her desk, "You didn't tell me you had a sister!"

"Sister.. what-" She furrows her brows, looking where Derek is gesturing towards. Behind the doors to the bullpen, there's a woman checking in through security, donned in attire Prentiss definitely rocked in her high school years.

"Very funny." She deadpans, "I'm sure she's just here to visit someone."

And you are. You step through the doors confidently, striding straight to the door labelled Aaron Hotchner. They watch you walk, eyebrows raising along with tensions as you neared the door.

Then, "Excuse me? Miss?"

You turn at JJ's call, standing feet away from Hotch's door, "Yes?"

"He doesn't take walk-ins," Morgan gestures to the door, "He's kinda rigid about procedure. You need an appointment to see him."

"I've got an appointment." You flash your left hand towards him, your ring glinting in the fluorescent lights above, "I've had it scheduled for years."

There's a unanimous intake of breath at your statement. Morgan's eyes nearly pop out of his head, Prentiss chokes on her coffee, JJ freezes, and Reid's mouth falls slightly open.

"You're.. you're his wife?" The doctor looks up at you with bewilderment, "Like, you two are married?"

"Yes," You chuckle, the sound of the door opening catching your attention, "Aaron!"

Your husband steps out of his office only seconds after you reveal your relationship, but he can tell from everyone's faces that you've told them.

"You made it," He smiles at you, lovesick and sappy, tugging you towards him with an arm around your waist to peck your lips sweetly, "I'm glad you're here, Y/N."

Aaron won't even answer a personal phone call in front of his coworkers, and now he's kissing his wife. Everyone stares, everyone gapes, because no one knows what to do.

"You all are way too invested in this," Rossi comes back from the kitchen, coffee in hand, "It's nice to see you again, Y/N."

"Dave," You nod affectionately to the man, "It's good to see you too!"

"You knew?" JJ scoffs, glancing incredulously between the three of you.

"Only because he's a blabby drunk," You pat Aaron's chest fondly, "It was really fun picking him up that night."

Morgan's face lights up at your good-natured teasing of his boss, something he excelled at himself, "No way. You've got style and you make fun of Hotch?"

"Style?" Prentiss rounds on him, "So when I do it, it's something to laugh at, but she's got style?"

"Yes," Morgan laughs, far too proud of his double standard, "You looked like you were trying to play a raven in a middle school play."

"So fucking rude," She scoffs, glancing back at you, "Can you believe him?"

"A raven," You snicker, hiding your laugh behind your hand, "Are there.. pictures?"

"Yep!" Morgan grins.

"I've got them," JJ fumbles for her phone.

"It's saved onto my computer," Reid lunges for his mouse, "It's under passcode, though, so give me a sec-."

"Unbelievable." Prentiss groans, "Does Penelope have them too, or is she the only nice person in this office?"

"She's the one that sent them to us," Rossi smirks from where he's leaning against the doorway, "You're not on every email thread that we send out, you know."

[idkthisisjustforfanfic]

U N P L A N N E D, the meeting

Harry hadn’t talked to Jeff in a few days. An email here and there, a text about a few meetings. But Harry didn’t reply to the meme Jeff had sent and Jeff hadn’t liked Harry’s instagram post. 

Things were obviously off. 

So, after Harry brought Y/N back to her car that afternoon and when he drove up the driveway to Jeff’s house, he didn’t really know what to expect. The May sun was warm and Glenne opened the door with a smile. 

“Hi--Jeff didn’t mention you were coming.” She stepped aside to let him in, Harry removed his sunglasses and confessed.

“S’cause I didn’t mention I was coming.”

“Got it,” she smirked. “He’s in his office, down the hall.”

Harry navigated the first floor, passed the dining room, the small half bath that he had helped Jeffrey paint last summer. He rapped his knuckles on the door and Jeff swiveled in his chair. 

“Oh, hey. What’s up?”

“Just came to say hi. I was in the neighborhood.”

Jeff smirked at that, bullshit. 

“I was not in the neighborhood,” Harry said quickly. “But I do think we should talk.”

“Yeah,” Jeff said, leaning back in his chair when Harry entered the room. “I don’t--I didn’t mean to be such a dick to you or to Y/N. I wasn’t--this is a big plot twist.”

“You’re telling me,” Harry nodded, sinking into the couch across the room. 

Harry understood where Jeff was coming from--it’s not like Harry wasn’t scared or nervous or still recovering from the total and complete shock to his system. But Jeff was Harry’s friend before he was his manager, and Harry didn’t like when that line got blurred.

“Where are you at, man? Are you freaked out?”

Harry plucked at his lower lip, still unsure how much to divulge. “I’m terrified, mostly. Thrown off, surprised, shocked, nervous--”

Jeff waited, like he could tell Harry wasn’t done.

“But, I don’t know. I’m also kind of…excited?”

“Excited?”

“Should I not be? Is that weird?”

Jeff thought on it. “If it’s how you feel, it’s not weird.”

Harry nodded, quiet for a second between the two friends when an email dinged in arrival on Jeff’s laptop. Jeff wasn’t mad at Harry. He wasn’t mad at Y/N either. Jeff saw his responsibilities as rather simple: make sure nothing blows up. His top client getting his girlfriend’s friend pregnant kind of threw a wrench in that. 

“How’s Y/N doing?”

“She’s…okay, I guess. Overwhelmed, stressed out.”

“Understandable.”

“Yeah.”

Another pause before Jeff said: “listen, I didn’t really know what the next steps were, you know, the other night when you left, so I called my dad.”

Harry lifted his eyes at that. “And?”

“And he says we should talk to your lawyers. Have a meeting with Y/N. Talk things through.”

Harry nodded. It made sense. Especially now. 

“Yeah--I, uh--I just went to the doctor with her today. We talked about it and she’s going to keep it,” he edited: “we’re going to keep it.”

Jeff’s eyebrows rose up his forehead, a steady nod, then a quicker one. Then, a smile. He stood from his chair and opened his arms. “Congratulations, buddy.”

Harry smiled a little, realized that no one had said that yet. He stood and hugged his friend, pulled back and let out a sigh. “I know this is fucking crazy,” Harry nodded, “but--I don’t know. If I dig down below the stress of it all--I think I’ll be alright.”

“Weirder shit than a rockstar knocking up a stranger has happened.”

Harry laughed at Jeff’s joke but still rolled his eyes. “She’s not a stranger.”

“Okay, a mutual friend, an acquaintance.”

“Now she’s the mother of my child, so--”

“Quite the promotion,” Jeff said, sitting back at his desk and looking at his phone. “I can set up a meeting with Dave, loop you in on it and figure things out. We should also talk about the plan with the album. Might be better to postpone it a little bit? I’ll call Rob and everyone at the label and get a feel for that.”

Harry sat on the couch again, too, nodded absentmindedly as Jeff spouted off the details. 

“You with me?”

Harry’s head snapped up, a delayed reaction: “I’m going to be a father.”

Jeff’s face was still for a second, the corner of his mouth twitched up, his white flag of truce. “Yeah, man. Our summer just took a really big turn.”

Harry let his eyes grow wide in jest. “I’ve still got to call my mum.”

**

Harry called Y/N the next day, hopeful she’d be understanding of the steps his team had to take. “They want to have a meeting. Just to talk about some logistics and privacy things and whatnot.” 

She repeated his words, confused. “The logistics of the current situation?” 

“Of you being pregnant with my baby–yes.”

She hesitated through the phone, Harry knew she was on her lunch break. “This feels like something I would need a lawyer for.��

He felt bad. None of this was to make Y/N feel like they couldn’t trust each other, and he certainly didn’t want her to feel like she was being put on trial for something that wasn’t her fault. 

“You don’t need a lawyer.”

“Aren’t you on the opposing side?” She asked, her voice rising in pitch. “Isn’t this going to become some weird negotiation around what I can and can’t do with your–you know.”

“I don’t know…” Harry bit back a laugh, hoping to break the tension.

“Your baby,” she whispered the word quietly, Harry pictured her standing in a break room or a hallway, dodging her co-workers and wearing flowy shirts to hide whatever bump she’d start to develop soon. “Who is mine, too, by the way.”

Harry let out a breath. No one needed to get ahead of themselves. He knew that the request would likely overwhelm her, and so far, his main priority was making sure she was as calm and relaxed as possible. 

Which, Harry could admit, felt rather impossible seeing as she accidentally got pregnant with his baby and now there were lawyers involved because of Harry’s job and level of fame. He did his best to reassure her. 

“Y/N–this is just a meeting, okay? There’s a few things for you to sign–basically just saying that you’re not going to sue me or try to blackmail me.”

“Blackmail you?!”

“No one thinks you’re going to do that, I promise. It’s just protocol.”

She sighed into the phone, agreed to meet him on Saturday in an office building in Westwood. Jeff was there, his lawyer, Dave, Harry’s publicist Lola and a label representative, too. Harry met Y/N in the lobby and offered a hug in greeting. She took it, eyes searching the lobby nervously when he laughed a little. 

“It’s okay.”

“Okay?” She asked quietly. “I feel like I’m going to court.”

He led her towards the elevators and held his arm out to let her step inside. “Well, just a conference room with bottled water. Sorry to disappoint.”

She rolled her eyes at his joke but seemed to relax a bit at that. She followed Harry down the hall and into the big room, Jeff seemed to be keen to make amends.

“Hey,” he said, standing and rounding the table to give her a hug. “How are you feeling?”

“Good–I’m fine.”

“I’m, uh–I’m sorry about the other night. I was just–you know, kind of freaked.”

Harry let out a quick laugh, sarcasm threaded through his words. “We were doing totally fine–not freaked out at all.”

Jeff rolled his eyes, sat back down and introduced Y/N to the other faces in the room. Harry felt a wave of guilt crash over him when he realized it was six against one. Y/N sat on the other side of the table, her eyes scanning over the papers that Dave shuffled through when Jeff started to talk. 

“So–obviously, this is big news for everyone here–uh, we wanted to have this meeting, really, to just get a few things agreed upon.”

She nodded, Harry kept his eyes on her when Dave cleared his throat. “We have to have you sign something, Y/N–just saying that you won’t discuss any of this with the press. It includes no social media posting, no interviews, limited disclosure to friends and family.” 

So far, so good. Harry had played through all of the scenarios on his drive over. Maybe she’d storm out. Maybe she’d rip the NDA in half and bang her fists on the table. After all, hormones did strange things to people.

“We don’t expect you to hide the pregnancy altogether–to be clear. But for now, the parentage needs to be confidential.”

“Okay,” she said. “But not like, with everyone, right? I already told my mom.”

“No–your mom is fine.” Harry answered the question before anyone else could, nervous that one of them would say well…

“How much did you tell her?” Dave’s head tilted like he didn’t agree with Harry’s answer.

“Just a little–she knows it’s his,” she watched Dave for a second, a glance in Harry’s direction that made his heart sink. 

“That’s fine,” Harry said.

The look on Dave’s face said otherwise. “We need to keep the number of people who know to a minimum.”

“Well I certainly don’t expect her to not tell her mother,” Harry retorted, anger more present in his voice than before. 

“Who does know?” Jeff leaned in, hoping to ease the tension between Harry and Dave–a welcome distraction when he looked towards Y/N.

“Aside from the people in this room, my mom, Lexi, Glenne–and my doctor, but, I think she’ll be fine.”

Dave started writing on the notepad in front of him. “I can draw up non-disclosures for them, too.”

Emma sipped at her water, Y/N shifted in her seat and Harry offered Dave a threatening glance. 

“So–we can move to the financial aspect,” he put his pen down and thumbed through some papers, sliding some over to Harry and then an identical packet across to Y/N. “I know this is always the worst part, but–has to be done.”

Jeff nodded at that, Harry stole quick peeks at Y/N when Dave kept rambling.

“This agreement details the child support he’ll pay. Monthly until the child turns eighteen. Visiting rights, partial custody if he so chooses. If you sign, it means you agree to the terms and conditions and will hereby agree to share custody, barring any legal changes, of course. Anything you don’t agree to will be settled in arbitration, along with any changes to the agreements set forth here.”

He pushed a packet across the table, the paper was crisp and thick, stapled in the top left corner. Y/N glanced up at him, fear in her eyes that made Harry’s stomach drop. 

Transactional, cold, devoid of all emotion and humanity. Suddenly there was a number attached to a relationship that was meant to be priceless. He watched her clear her throat and felt a sense of guilt he’d never felt before. 

“Do I get time to read it over?”

“Of course,” Jeff reassured her. “We’ll need it either way by Monday.” 

She made a face at that, one Harry couldn’t read because--well, he didn’t really know her. He watched her sit there, eyes fluttering from the papers in front of her back up to Dave when he spoke. 

“We also have this,” he said, lifting another packet of papers from the stack in front of him. 

“We’d like a paternity test. This can be completed after seven weeks gestation. The previous agreements and contracts will become null and void if the paternity test proves Mr. Styles is not the father. That’s all detailed in here, though.”

Her eyes flew to Harry’s at that, a quick and subtle how could you, Harry was sure. She looked away though, a slow and steady inhale through her nose when she nodded. 

Harry clenched his jaw, thought for a second about Malibu and the beach and how easy everything would be if he hadn’t slept with her and if he didn’t have a party that night. But now there were cheek swabs and results and propositions with hidden meaning: are you lying?

Dave slid more papers towards her, he nudged the pen across the table and offered an apologetic smile. “We need you to sign the agreement to DNA testing for paternity confirmation and the basic non-disclosure today.”

Harry looked away, too guilty to watch her fumble with the pen and sign her name on the dotted line like she’d done something wrong. He felt achey, tense like a rubber band that could snap any second, slam his fists on the table and tell them all to just shut the fuck up.

“I need a minute,” she said suddenly. She pushed back from the table, turned and headed for the door without a response from anyone in the room. 

Jeff looked over to Harry, eyes wide as if to ask: are you gonna handle that?

“You can have time with the other documents, it’s just the paternity testing we need signed,” Dave called after her, like she’d turn around with a smile on her face or walk backwards and reach for the pen. 

Harry blinked a few times. Follow her? Don’t follow her? Would she find his presence comforting or annoying? Intrusive or reassuring?

He couldn’t decide, couldn’t determine if he was right or wrong for standing and following her down the carpeted hallway, past conference rooms and offices and glass windows that looked out over a sunny sky. 

He kept a safe distance, ten steps back and no effort to close the space between them. She pushed open a door, he followed her out to a balcony, silence until he broke it. 

“M’sorry,” he said, hand over his eyes to shield them from the afternoon sun. “We have to do that–they’d never just believe it was mine without the actual proof.”

She turned around to face him. “Feels kind of shitty, though. They’ll think I’m lying until I can prove that I’m not.”

Her words put him on the defensive, his shoulders rose when he rolled his eyes a little. Dave would be saying this shit to anyone. It wasn’t Y/N or anything personal. “Well people lie, Y/N! You might not be crazy but people out there are–so we have to just,” he edited his words. “I don’t know, they have to take precautions.”

She shook her head before he even finished, like she already knew she didn’t like what he was saying. “This isn’t just happening to you, Harry! I know that’s all that they care about–all that Jeff cares about right now–but this is happening to me, too! This is changing my life, too. You’re not the only one with a career and a family and a life.”

“I know!” He said, exasperated, wondering how honest he should be. “I’m doing the best I can, okay? I need to know for sure that it’s mine, too, okay? I trust you, I do–but I have to know for sure.”

Maybe it had kept him up at night. Maybe he had a few panic filled moments in his car: is it mine? How do I know? Would she lie? How can I be sure? Am I stupid to trust her? 

“Right,” she let out a sarcastic laugh. “Cause somehow this is my fault and it all falls on me at the end of the day, right?”

“I never said that,” he said, more hushed now.

“Well, this is on you, too. You’re the father and if I have to take a fucking paternity test I will but–you’re the only person I’ve slept with in the last, like, year.”

He tried to hide the look of shock on his face. Seriously? The only one? 

He tried to twist his lips out of the smirk that was already forming. Luckily, she’d turned around and looked out over the hills in the distance when he asked: “really?”

“Really.”

“So–there’s literally no chance it’s anyone else’s.”

He nodded to himself, she turned around and met his eyes. 

“What? What are you smiling for?”

“Dunno,” he laughed a little. “Just–I kind of thought you left that night because you were seeing someone or something like that.”

“What? No–I haven’t–I had a boyfriend a while ago but we broke up.”

“I know.”

“You know?”

He shrugged, dropped his gaze to the ground and thought back on the metaphorical digging he’d done. “Well, when I met you in the fall at that dinner–I don’t know, I asked Glenne about you and she said you were kind of,” he glanced back up at her, “unavailable. Or, you were dealing with something. So I figured when you left and never called it just–had to do with him.” 

Him, whoever he was. 

She was quiet for a second, squinted in the sunlight and let another lengthy breath escape from between her lips. 

“I wasn’t unavailable–I just–I don’t know, her and Lexi can be protective.”

He nodded, quiet for a minute when she moved over to lean on the railing. A nearby fire escape creaked in the wind, someone laughed on the sidewalk below and Harry felt the urge to hug her. But he didn’t. 

“I’m sorry you have to sign all this shit.”

She looked up at him skeptically, almost like she didn’t believe him.

“S’not how it should typically be and that’s because of me–or my job, at least.”

More silence, the kind that made Harry’s stomach twist itself in a knot when she nodded in agreement. 

“Do you want to go get dinner?”

“Right now?” She asked, the hint of a smirk on her lips. 

“Well,” he looked over his shoulder–Jeff was down the hall, his figure blurred through the glass. “You probably have to sign at least the NDA if you want them to let you out of the building. But–after that.”

She smiled a little at his joke, took a deep breath but then shrugged. “No, no, we don’t have to, I should go home.”

“It’s Saturday,” he challenged. “What do you have to do?”

She made a face, her eyebrows knit together and she put her hands on her hips. “I have to clean. I have to organize stuff.”

“Stuff?” 

“You don’t have to take me to dinner. We don’t have to pretend like we’re friends.”

Harry felt his own face fall at that, the words stinging more than he cared to admit. He wasn’t trying to overstep, gloss over the painful and uncomfortable truth or tie a bow on top of their afternoon like it’d erase the tension that hovered overhead. 

All he wanted was to ask her questions. Where’d she grow up? How’d she like her job? He wanted to hear her talk about her hobbies or her dreams or the books she liked to read. He didn’t know if that had anything to do with the fact that now there was a piece of him inside of her and that simultaneously scared the shit out of Harry and made him want to wrap his arms around her and keep her safe. 

But he couldn’t say all of that.

“Am I at least allowed to get to know you? If you’re having my baby–if we’re doing this–you’re kind of stuck with me.”

“I didn’t mean it like that,” she backtracked. 

He shook his head. “However you meant it–I still want to take you to dinner.”

“Fine,” she said quickly, the hint of a smile when she acquiesced. “But I have some things to sign first.”

“Right,” Harry nodded, a stifled laugh under his breath. He turned around and grabbed the door, gesturing for her to head back inside. “After you.”

**

Another burger, this time, hold the pickles. We’ll be keeping them in business for the next nine months at this rate, he teased, pulling into a parking spot. 

She laughed a little at that, handed him his burger and sipped at the soda she’d gotten. Small talk, the usual, Harry asked about work this week and tried to ignore the bigger questions: does she like me? Will we be able to handle all of this?

“You said I didn’t need a lawyer,” she didn’t look at him when she asked, kept her gaze on the food in front of her. “Feels like I do.”

He sighed, shifted in his seat to look at her and frown. “I mean–I didn’t want to freak you out. You don’t need one. You could have someone read over the papers for you. Do you have one?”

A lot of questions, he felt bad for throwing them her way all at once when she looked out the car window and shook her head. “Lexi watches a lot of Law & Order.”

He stifled a laugh, sipped from his soda and adjusted the dark sunglasses perched on his nose. “I don’t think she counts, love, sorry.”

She picked up her own drink and took a swig, Harry swallowed back the regret of using a pet name this early on. That’s one way to freak her out.

“Hey, it’s alright,” he redirected. “I can, uh, I can have Jeff find someone–not Dave–who can read them and you can meet with them, maybe. Go over it all and make sure it makes sense.”

She looked back up at him skeptically, a quick nod before she took another bite. 

“See?” He laughed, “M’not the enemy.”

She rolled your eyes but smiled. “Don’t push it.”

“Hey, I mean it,” he turned towards her now, the sleeve of french fries on his lap shifted, one fell down to the clean carpet of his car. “I know they’re requiring the test, but, I trust you. And we’re in this together.”

Maybe she didn’t believe him, maybe there’d always be a thick layer of tension between them and maybe the best case scenario was that they’d tolerate each other for the first eighteen years and then drift apart, brought together by weddings or funerals or other life events. 

Harry didn’t want that, though. He felt another knot in his stomach when she smiled up at him, a seed of hope when she crumpled her wrapper and put her hand on the door. “Let’s take a walk.”

He pulled up the hood of his sweatshirt and asked about her hometown. What’s it like? How far away is it? She lit up when she talked about the tree in her backyard and the bike rides she used to go on as a kid, but not as much as she lit up when they spotted an ice cream shop. 

He took a photo with the teenager at the cash register and then sat beside her on a bench, reassured by the way her knee knocked into his when she teased: “You’re looking at it like you want to make out with it.”

He laughed, holding it up when she sipped her milkshake. 

“This is the most beautiful ice cream cone I’ve ever gotten,” he agreed, twirling it around to inspect from all angles.

“You’re acting like you’ve never seen one before,” she laughed, reaching for a napkin in his hand.

“S’just so perfect looking.” He reached for his phone, lifted his dessert up in front of the setting sun that sprawled over the ocean’s horizon. “Wow–do you see this?” He clicked the button on his phone, his thumb successfully capturing the moment.

She rolled her eyes but stole a quick peek around to make sure no one was nearby. He’d already warned her that he couldn’t stay long. Typically only 30 minutes after you take a photo with someone, otherwise people start to show up. 

“I’m sending this to you,” he laughed, typing the first few letters of her name in the new message bar. “I understand if you want it framed or just as a reminder of this beautiful evening.”

He pressed a few buttons, her phone lit up on the bench between them. Harry peered down at it, his phone number in bold on her screen before he looked back up to her, ouch. 

A smirk tugged at the corner of his mouth before he took the first lick of his ice cream. “Ever gonna save my number in your phone?”

She shifted a little, smiled uncomfortably and made a face to admit she’d been caught.

“Yeah, I just–I dunno, it felt weird at first.”

He raised his eyebrows a bit, finally took another lick from his ice cream. “Too personal?”

She laughed, “a bit.”

He nodded in understanding, watched the sun sink closer to the horizon when he felt her eyes on his face. He couldn’t make her trust him, couldn’t control the anxiety that 

“Nothing quite as personal as having a baby together, if you ask me.” He took another lick and then dropped her gaze, “M’not going anywhere. Promise.”

table of contents | talk to me | the playlist

AN: this one was fun to write and explore from H's POV!!

[goldentournesol]

Not in That Way

*gif not mine, found on Giphy*

(Spencer Reid x fem!Reader)

The one where Spencer’s TA falls in love with him.

Length: 3.3k

A/N: VAGUE SPOILERS FOR S15 AHEAD! AGE GAP (10 years). Read at your own risk everybody, very angsty. NO PART TWO’S WILL BE WRITTEN. enjoy :)

masterlist

It wasn’t hard, really. It wasn’t hard at all to fall in love with Spencer Reid. In fact, it was the easiest thing she’d ever done. It came so easily that it shook her to the core.

Really, what’s not to love? He is a badass FBI agent with a heart of gold, he can literally recite almost any book to her on demand, and it certainly doesn’t hurt that he looks like he’s been sculpted by a coveted artist.

She didn’t know though, she didn’t know how easy it would be to be completely enamored by someone. She didn’t know what kind of life she’d be stepping into when she’d applied to become his Teaching Assistant. She’d heard from her peers that there was a part-time professor who had been looking for a TA. She signed up without a second thought, desperate for any kind of connections that could possibly help her with her PhD in forensic psychology. When she’d learned that he was a certified genius whose other job was to be a real life superhero, she hoped and prayed he’d pick her application.

She was over the moon when she found out that he did indeed pick her out of all the students who had applied. This was an opportunity of a lifetime. She’d seen his university ID photo on the website and thought he was attractive, but seeing him in person was almost magical. The camera definitely could not quite pick up on the subtle gold flecks in his irises or the silky sheen of his hair. And that smile. She was sure she could drown in it forever.

After being chosen and going through a number of interviews, Y/N learned just how meticulous Dr. Reid was in everything he did. She helped him create the syllabus as well as build his lesson plans. Over the semester, she would go over his grading since he had the tendency to give students the answers instead of making helpful comments on the papers to make them think and reflect. She’d also learned about his particular aversion to technology, which meant they had multiple meet-ups when he was in town just so she can walk him through certain systems, like the university’s portal system as well as the email. She also showed him how to pose his answers as questions instead, explaining that sometimes, he shouldn’t answer their incomplete thoughts because it's an undergrad class. Also, with his unpredictable schedule concerning the FBI, she would often step in and teach his class whenever he was away on a case.

They’d become good friends outside of his office and classroom, probably closer than they should have been. He was just too likeable and she was always eager enough to hear what he had to say, thus a bond between them was born and reinforced each time they saw each other. He was so thoughtful, it shocked her. Once he’d heard her mention that she used to love collecting keychains when she was a child, and made sure to get her a new one from each state he’d visit thanks to his trips around the country. Her previous boyfriends were beyond disappointing in comparison to say the least, and they weren’t even dating. He knew her favorite coffee order by heart and often had it ready with a fresh croissant whenever they met at the university’s coffee shop and if they were meeting at his office, he’d take them to go. 

It was little things like that that made her fall in love with him. And she knew, it’s not like she didn’t, she just chose to hide it with every cell of her being. Crushing on your professor is pretty common amongst university students, but being a TA and being desperately in love with your professor was a whole different kind of story. 

She already admired his intelligence in class immensely, however hearing his stories from his time out in the field made her heart grow three times the size of normal. His stories ranged from being about geographical profiling, to action-packed anecdotes, and even funny moments with the team.

Was she constantly impressed by him? Yes.

Was she constantly worried about him? Also yes.

Which is why she’d practically made him adopt the habit of texting or calling her every time he landed in DC. They’d been chasing this unsub, Lynch, for months on end and he’d informed her that they were finally close to getting him. The last time they talked two days ago, he was feeling confident. But then it was just silence. He hadn’t texted her, he hadn’t called her. She didn’t even know if he was back in DC. Her mind took her places she didn’t want to go. He’d gotten so good with keeping her updated that this silence was turning her blood into ice water.

She’d left 11 missed calls so far. But she didn’t give up, she was determined to hear from him. The next morning she tried again, holding her breath and squeezing her eyes shut in a silent prayer.

“Hello?” Someone finally picked up, a woman.

“Hello? Who is this? I’m trying to reach Spencer Reid.” Y/N said into the phone, voice clearly on the edge of tears.

“Oh you must be Y/N Y/L/N. You’re Spencer’s TA. I’m Penelope Garcia, I work with Spencer.” She said into the phone evenly, calmly.

“Yes, I am. Did something happen to Spencer? He hasn’t contacted me in two days. Why do you have his phone?” Y/N worried into the phone. She could hear every heartbeat, loud and clear.

“Spencer is in the hospital. There was an explosion yesterday and he hit his head really hard. We found him passed out in his apartment this morning.” Penelope answered. Y/N’s eyes widened and she felt the tears slip from her eyes quickly. The panic began to set in.

“C-could you please text me the address?” Y/N managed to whisper into the phone through her tears.

“Of course, sweetie. He’s going to be okay. His mother is here, I’m assuming you know about Diana?” She asked tenderly.

“Yes, yes, I know. I’ll be there as soon as I can.” Y/N said, already rushing to put on shoes and looking for her keys.

The drive to the hospital wasn’t long, but Y/N felt like it took ages to get there anyway. Her breathing was uneven and her eyes were already swollen as if she’d been crying for days. There was a bad, bad feeling reverberating around in her chest. She’d somehow floated through the hospital like she was running on autopilot. 

She’d found the room and met eyes with a blonde woman adorning two identical blue puffs in her hair. She would have thought they were adorable if she wasn’t panicking her heart out. She spotted Spencer laying on the hospital bed with oxygen tubes hanging around his ears and inserted into his nose. The sight made her stomach lurch. Something about the way his usually pink lips were drained of their color made her want to sob until tomorrow came. Beside the bed on the other side sat Diana Reid, a tall woman with short blonde hair. She’d seen her in photos before. Diana merely stared at her with a hint of a smile.

She stepped in the hospital room, swallowing down the bile in her throat, “H-Hi, I’m Y/N.” She waved tentatively into the room, almost unable to keep with the tensity of the two women’s gazes. She wiped at her eyes and stood at the foot of Spencer’s bed, “Is he going to be okay?” She asked, staring at the steady rise and fall of Spencer’s chest. That way it was reassuring to watch him. She could hear her heartbeat in her ears as she stood.

“The doctors are hopeful.” Penelope replied, assessing the young woman who just entered. She was much younger than she previously thought she was. Although she had no idea what to expect when it came to Spencer’s academic life, he was always surprising her.

Diana sat still and silent in the hospital chair, a pensive expression draped across her features. Penelope sensed a tension in the room and looked towards Diana, “Hey, Diana, would you like to come with me down to the cafeteria to fetch some jello for Spencer to eat when he wakes up?”

Y/N sent Penelope a sidelong glance filled with gratitude. She tuned out the sounds of Diana telling Penelope the story of the first time Spencer had jello as they exited the small room. She immediately pulled up the chair closest to his bed and grasped his hand tightly. She let out a shaky breath at the contact. Cold, his hand was so, so cold.

“Oh, Spencer, you scared the shit out of me.” She whispered, pressing her lips to the back of his hand quickly, “I could have lost you today...and-and I wouldn’t have known what to do with myself if that would have happened. I know you probably can’t hear me, but I still have to say what I’m going to say. I have to. For myself. So here goes,” she pauses, taking a deep breath, “there’s nothing that scares me more than losing you, and that thought alone terrifies me.” She sniffled, wiping away her tears, “What I feel for you terrifies me, Spencer. I didn’t know I was capable of loving someone so deeply until I met you. And...I don’t know what to do with all this love, I want to hand it all to you, let you see yourself the way I see you, but I can’t do that. I can’t.” She held back an incoming sob, whispering, “I can’t ask that of you.” 

She bowed her head and rested it along his forearm, her silent tears soaking through the hospital sheets. The fear of grieving for him outweighed the fear of rejection. She’d never forgive herself if he died without knowing how big of a space he occupied in her heart. She didn’t know if she was brave enough to tell him to his face while he was awake, but this was a start. Solidifying her feelings was a start. And man, were they solid.

A few minutes later, her phone began to ring because of an endless stream of emails. There was a class today, and she’d have to teach it. She went back and forth from her phone to Spencer’s face and released a deep, heavy sigh from the pit of her chest. She stood from her seat and hovered her hand over his cheek before allowing it to rest timidly on his skin.

“I have to go, but I’ll see you soon.” She paused, chewing on her lip, “I love you.” She said softly, fresh tears making their way back to the brim of her eyes. She pulled away from him and exited the room swiftly. 

Spencer’s bleary eyes opened slightly to just barely catch the sight of her disappearing into the hallway from which she came. Seconds later, Penelope and his mother came marching in, seeing his open eyes.

Penelope set down the cups of jello nearby and Diana made her way to her son quickly. He could barely keep his eyes open for long enough. It was a small achievement but they both held onto it dearly. 

Hours later, he blinked his eyes open again as he heard his mother and Penelope conversing about his favorite type of cloud. Diana leaned over her son’s bed and set a comforting hand on his shoulder. He stared at her fondly.

“Am I alive or is this heaven?” He asked, smiling slightly.

“You are very much alive.” Diana smiled broadly at him.

Garcia had since gone back to the office to assist the team in finally closing the Lynch case. Spencer was just waking up from yet another snooze. 

Diana looked at him closely, sometimes he felt she was the profiler in the room, “She told you didn’t she?”

Spencer rubbed at his eyes slightly, “Who are you talking about?” He yawned.

“The pretty girl who was in here earlier.” Y/N’s name had slipped her mind the second she said it. Spencer stared at his mother incredulously, shocked at just how clear her mind was at the moment. Diana took his silence as an affirmative and nodded at him.

“You should tell her.” She said definitively. For a moment, he doubted if he understood just what she meant, but he understood.

“How did you know?” Spencer asked curiously.

“I told you, a mother always knows. And I saw the way she looked at you. She deserves to know, Spencer.” Diana said.

She deserves to know.

The thought tumbled around in his head for days after he was discharged from the hospital. He was on medical leave for the moment but as soon as he could see straight, he took the train to her apartment. He’d been there a few times, they’d had a few casual dinners there while grading papers together or coming up with future lesson plans. His hands were on the verge of trembling as he knocked on her apartment door. The numbers nailed on the door mocked him as he stood waiting for her to open.

She frowned at the sound, she wasn’t expecting anybody. She pushed her laptop to the side and stood to straighten her pajamas, making her way to the door. She ripped it open as soon as she saw who it was.

“Spencer! Oh thank goodness you’re okay! I’ve been worried sick about you.” She threw her arms around his middle tightly, making him stagger a bit from the impact, but he enveloped her in his arms anyway. The contact was very welcome.

“Hey.” He smiled into the hug, his heart spilling with gratitude over being worthy enough of her attention. They separated from the embrace and she stared at him with a look resembling wonder.

“What are you doing here? I thought you still had a few more days off until you had to get back to work. Come in, come in.” She moved aside to let him in. She also moved a plethora of blankets and textbooks off the couch to make space for him to sit.

“I know, I’m sorry for kind of coming over unannounced. I didn’t mean to intrude or anything.” He eyed her matching set of cartoon character pajamas as he took a seat, making a mental note that it was the most adorable thing he’s ever seen. She blushed under his gaze but shook her head nonetheless.

“Oh come on, you know you’re always welcome here. Can I get you something to drink? Some water or coffee, maybe?” She asked.

“Water’s fine.” He smiled, leaning back into the couch. She nodded and made her way into the kitchen. Spencer’s shoulders untensed for a moment and he hadn’t realized that he’d been carrying so much of his worries in them around her. She came back with the water and took a seat next to him, angling her body to face him. He muttered a thank you as he sipped from it, unsure how to approach the situation.

“I wanted to thank you. For coming to the hospital to see me. That meant a lot.” He met her eyes and saw a flash of panic dance across her irises. How did he know she was there? Penelope probably told him, right? He couldn’t have heard her.

“Of course, Spencer. It’s the least I could do.” She smiled sweetly. His heart cleaved in his chest as he stared at the sweet girl in front of him. 

What did he ever do to deserve her friendship? 

He fidgeted with the glass in his hands, a silence beginning to drape over them.

“Is everything okay?” She asked, noticing his fidgeting. 

He took a deep breath and set the glass down on the coffee table in front of them. He turned his body to face her and reached for her soft hands. Her breath hitched at the intimate contact, butterflies erupting in the pit of her abdomen.

“You are a remarkable person, Y/N. I’m so lucky to have you in my life. I see the absolute worst that humanity has to offer on a daily basis, but you have made it your mission to make my life easier. And you do, honestly, I wouldn’t know what to do without you.” He said with soft eyes and a half-laugh. She smiled back, she could practically feel the rush from his words directly in her brain.

“And it is an honor to be loved by you,” his voice hesitated to say the word, his eyes darkening with regret as he continued. Realization snapped into place for her as he said, “but I can’t give you what you need.”

He had heard her. He knew.

Her blood ran cold as she tore her hands away from his, as if the skin on his hands had the ability to burn her. He frowned as he watched her frantic eyes search his for any semblance of dishonesty. Her throat closed up over all the words that fought to surface. She opened her mouth to say something but nothing came up. Instead, tears sprung to the corners of her eyes.

“What?” She whispered, brokenhearted and momentarily in disbelief.

“I’m sorry, Y/N.” He tried to console her but she was past the point of consolation. 

“I-I understand.” She nodded painfully, tears cascading down her face before she even got the chance to wipe them away, “It’s my fault. I shouldn’t have said anything, it’s completely unprofessional.” She swallowed an incoming sob as best as she could.

“No, I’m glad you told me, but if I’m being honest, I knew long before it. This isn’t about professionality, I don’t care about that. But I care about you, a lot.” Spencer said softly, staring at the young woman in front of him. She shook her head, utterly devastated and doing her best to shield herself from his gaze. Thoughts escaped her as her heart took a deep-dive to settle in her abdomen.

“And I thought I should let you know how I feel. I love you, Y/N,” he paused, “just not in that way.” The soft voice he used was completely useless against the harshness of the words. 

She tried, she tried her absolute hardest to suppress the incoming sob, but those words just about broke the dam. She rubbed at her eyes, nodding. He tried to set a comforting hand on her shoulder but decided against it. She took a deep breath and stood up from the couch. 

That was enough humiliation for the day.

“No, no, I completely understand.” She said, voice wobbly and eyes ringed with red. He frowned up at her at the sight of her being so upset. 

“Will you be okay?” He asked as he stood up from his seat. She laughed slightly, this man had devastated her, broken her heart with a few simple words and still wondered if she’d be okay. That’s Spencer Reid for you. The question made her heart ache and long for him more. His simplicity and good intentions made her question why the world wasn’t kind enough to let her have him.

“No, I won’t. And I probably won’t be okay for a long time. Because I will keep meeting men and keep comparing them to you so, until I stop doing that, no, I won’t be okay, Spencer.” She answered with a surprisingly stable voice. He frowned and nodded.

“I’m sorry.” He whispered, stepping forward to cup her cheek and gently use his thumb to wipe the remainder of her tears. Her glassy eyes bored right into his, her lips wobbling at the contact. She then closed her eyes and leaned her cheek into his palm, soaking in his warmth one last time before he tore himself away from her completely and showed himself out of the apartment without looking back.

That was when she allowed herself to fall apart. He heard her heart wrenching cries from behind the door and hesitated, but decided to walk away anyway with a chest heavy with regret.

She will never be enough for him, she thought.

He will never be enough for her, he thought.

[scuttle-buttle]

Chapter 1

Summary: Professor Laszlo Kreizler is a pretentious ass - that's the only way you could possibly explain the man. That being said, you needed a job to help pay for grad school, and the position of being his TA was the only thing available. You'll suck it up and deal with it, but the last thing you'll do is let this man get inside your head in the process.

WC: 1012

Rated: M (rating will go up)

Chapter Tags: dialogue heavy, “i dont give a damn about my reputation”, psychology talk

Check out the masterlist in my bio for more info & chapters!

🧠

“Please - I’ll take literally anything you’ve got,” you beg the hunched-over man behind the desk. Bills had begun to pile up at your tiny apartment off campus, but given you were knees deep in your graduate program you were too busy for a full-time job. Due to your constant presence in the university library you figured it made the most sense to just get a job at your school.

The clerk huffed at you and typed into his desktop. You could see the reflection of the screen in his bifocals. Other younger students milled about as you wait; you just hope that they don’t sense your impending panic.

“Well,” the man drones. “There is only one avalible position. It’s as a TA in the psychology department.”

“YES. I’ll take it, seriously, I don’t even care who it’s with, please.” He just looks at you over his glasses at the outburst. He types for another minute.

“I’ve sent the information to your student email, please have all the documentation filled out as soon as possible. This position has been open for some time now, so the start date is this Monday. All the details are in the email.” You don’t bother questioning why nobody wanted the job to begin with, too excited that you found a way to pay the bills.

“Thanks so much” - you read his name tag - “Roger, you are my hero.” Throwing your hands up in relief, you bid him a good night and head home. You didn’t hear him mumble “your funeral, kid.”

_

Bitsy, your roommate was already home when you burst in the door, bottle of cheap wine in your hand. “And tonight, we celebrate!” you announce. The two of you met in a required English course your junior year. You had gotten a two-bedroom off campus before your senior year. After graduation she entered the workforce as a journalist; you continued with your studies.

She whips her head from the tv at you. “You got a job?” You nod and do a little dance as an answer. “It’s about time, rent don’t pay itself, sweetie,” she sasses.

“Hey,” you point the bottle at her, “I haven’t let you down yet and I don’t intend to.”

She just laughs. “Nah I know, you’re the best roommate I’ve had in a long, long time.” Her New York accent is in full force tonight. Bitsy mutes the tv. “So what is this job?”

You snatch two mugs from the cabinet and plop next to her on the threadbare couch. “TA in the psych department.” You pour both of you generous glasses before chugging half your own and refilling it.

Your roommate squints at you suspiciously. “Do you even know anything about psych?”

She’s got you there. You feign offence at her question; “Of course, I took that one introductory course in undergrad with Stratton. I loved it, but I didn’t have room in my schedule to take any more. I know more than you think. And I did go to that shrink for a while.” She nods at you, knowing you didn’t like to discuss it much.

“Is she who you’ll be working for?”

“Um, I don’t know, didn’t ask.” You open your email app on your phone. “Roger, the love of my life at the student center, emailed me the information about the job. Let me check.” Bitsy waits as you search through the documents on your phone. It doesn’t take long.

Assignment:

Dr. Laszlo Kreizler

Courses: Introductory Psychology, Abnormal Psychology, & Criminal Psychology

“Who is Doctor… Kreezler?” Bitsy gasps. You furrow your brows at her reaction, confused. “What?”

“You’re working with Kreizler?” She cringes.

“I guess?” You look up to see her face. “I don’t- Bits, what's the big deal?” Now you begin to panic.

“Dr. Kreizler has a reputation on campus…”

And? “What is he like, a manwhore or something?”

“Jesus, the complete opposite. Everybody hates him - he grades impossible, requires that you come to see him during office hours and half the students leave ready to cry. He’s genius, but a dick.”

She continues, “I once heard a guy in the dining hall talking about how the professor called out this freshman in class and asked all these personal questions about how her grandfather dying fucked her up or something. He tries to get into everybody’s head. Never heard a good thing about him. I wouldn’t be shocked if he had a forked tongue and horns to go with it.”

Okay now you are definitely panicked.

At your paled complexion Bitsy backtracks “Oh but I’m sure he’s not all terrible? I mean you know, underclassmen - fail one test and the professor is evil…” Her words did little to ease you.

You spent the rest of the night and bottle researching Dr. Kreizler. He had no social media and there was only one picture online, but it was blurry. All you could make out was dark hair and a beard. He had been teaching at the university the last 4 years after moving from the University of Munich in Germany. You were able to find a few articles on one of his PhD theses, A Study of the Alien Mind: The Role of Societal Flaw in Creating Monsters Among Men. Skimming some, you note that he is very intellectual and wordy in his explanations.

Opening up the Rate My Professor website, you look him up.

“I’d give 0 stars if I could - he is the worst!!!”

“Literally f*ck this guy”

“Read my ass off, came to all office hours, still barely got a D in his 100 level”

“Not as bad with upper level courses, but only if you know how he works and can deal with his temper. Don’t expect higher than a C tho”

“watch out or he’ll try to psychoanalyze you in front of the entire class”

You blew a long breath out and closed your laptop. The clock on your bedside table read almost 2 am. I need this job, I need this job, I NEED this job, you chant to yourself.

Let me know if you want to be tagged!

[thebrochtuarachs]

Something in the Rain - “A Month Apart, Part 1”

A/N: Hi everyone, thank you for your patience as I whipped out this chapter. I had the initial outline on how this chapter will go but more frequent than none, it changes a lot in the middle while I'm in the writing process. :) I love this story and I hope it just gives you the good feels while reading this. We're two years into this pandemic and the world is still crazy. I hope you're keeping safe and being kind to yourself. :) As always, your comments and suggestions are very much welcome.

A modern day meet cute instance between Jamie and Claire.

AO3  / C1: A Day In June : C2: Definitely, Maybe : C3: So We Meet Again : C4: Friday Lunch : C5: Finding Solid Ground : C6: Situations : C7: Interruptions

XXXXX

After their first date, their schedule for the following two weeks we’re packed - with Jamie settling back in the firm after his 2-week trip from London and Claire’s schedule at the hospital and preparing for her trip to Seattle.

Being a lawyer and a doctor weren’t the most flexible jobs - with patients and clients to attend to, surgeries and hearings to prepare for, plus, with both of them in administrative positions, it is additional work on top of their normal duties. But Claire and Jamie were determined to make it work, so they decided to communicate better, be extra patient and understanding, and really commit whatever available time they had.

The first week, Jamie couldn’t make lunch as he had a court hearing to prepare for and Claire couldn’t make dinner as she was on the night shift. So Jamie, one day, surprised Claire outside the hospital by picking her up, invited her to quick breakfast dates instead, and dropping her off at her house to make sure she got home safe.

The second week was a bit lighter but with Claire going to Seattle on Saturday, she had to do extra administrative work to make sure everything was set for her leave. She offered to have dinner takeaways at her office in the evenings which he happily accepted.

The night before her flight, Claire and Jamie were hanging out in her office, sitting at the sofa, admiring the Edinburgh skyline with a little wine and cheese tray.

“I’m sorry we couldn’t go out” Claire apologized.

“Don’t worry about it, Sassenach.” Jamie turned to Claire and patted her hand. “I honestly would prefer to do anything if it means I get to spend time with you - whether sitting here in your office on a Friday night or sitting in the gallery watching your surgery.”

“You’re too good to me, James” Claire quipped in a feigned dramatic voice.

“Ah, you give me too much credit, Claire. I hope you know that you make an effort too, especially these past two weeks”

“Me? It feels like you’re fitting more to my schedule than I am yours!”

“But you met me during breakfast even though you looked too knackered from yer shift.”

Claire couldn’t deny that and she could just smile with Jamie’s understanding.

“Are you all packed up for tomorrow?” Jamie asked, changing the subject.

“Yes. The weather’s mostly rainy in Seattle so I brought extra items for the wet and cold.”

“And what’s your schedule for the month?”

“Have I not sent you my itinerary? Hold up -” Claire took out her phone and quickly sent an email to Jamie. “There, I sent you my schedule but between teaching and surgery, my time’s the same as here just minus the administrative work, which I tell you not, I’m pretty excited to be free of it for the next month”

Jamie just nodded. The next month.

It’s all rather bad timing if you look at it. The first month, they’ve been rather inseparable with going to lunches almost everyday and weekends at the center. The following month, quick dates and meetings as Jamie was away at London and their crazy schedule at the hospital and the firm. And now, going into the third month since meeting, they’d be completely separated by roughly 4,485 miles.

“Did you hear what I said, Jamie?” Claire asked while waving a hand in front of Jamie’s face.

“I’m sorry, what?” Returning to the present, unaware that his mind has gone away a bit.

Claire gave him a softened look and sat closer to him. “What were you thinking?”

Jamie stayed silent but Claire’s look urged him on.

“Nah, ye’ll think me daft” Jamie said but Claire shook her head.

“Fine” Jamie stretched his arm to pull her closer and she gladly leaned on his shoulder. “I was just thinking about how I’ll not be able to see ye for a month, how much I’ll be missing ye, and how excited I am once ye return here.”

“Oh,” Claire knew the feelings were simple but it’s his words and the way he said it that touched her most.

“I told ye it’s daft.”

“It’s not daft.” Claire tried to mimic Jamie’s accent but they both just have to laugh at her attempt. Turning serious quickly, she took Jamie’s face by the hand and looked deeply into his eyes. “You know that I am going to miss you too.”

Jamie just nodded in agreement, looking at Claire so sweetly and lovingly that she couldn’t help but lean in for a kiss.

Since their first kiss after their date, they hadn’t been shy in showing affection to each other. Nonetheless, it’s all been very respectful to the boundaries to whatever stage they are in their relationship. Hand touches, hugs, pecks and kisses here and there but never really beyond that.

But with her impending departure, Claire seemed to be eager for more. Instead of completely pulling away, she kissed him again some more.

Jamie quickly picked up the signal and allowed himself to pull Claire closer and to his lap. A few minutes later, Claire felt Jamie’s tongue on her lips asking for entrance which she happily obliged. The air around them was electric.

Jamie was first to pull away before the moment got away from them. Claire sighed - not from disappointment, but by the fact of how chivalrous Jamie really is. And she doesn’t really mind it one bit. “I’ll be back before you know it.”

The following day, Jamie picked up Claire to drop her off at the airport. They thought they had time for a quick bite but traffic was so horrendous that they got to the gate just in time before boarding began.

With barely any time left, Jamie pulled Claire to a tight hug as the PA system called her flight. “Go, you’ll miss your plane”

Claire reluctantly released Jamie with a grunt. “Let’s go somewhere when I return”

“Sounds like a plan” Jamie tried to hide the longing in his voice but it was too late.

“The month will be over before you know it, okay? Message me everyday, call me every afternoon when you can” Claire encouraged him. With one last kiss, they bade each other goodbye as she started walking to her gate and Jamie was no longer in sight.  

As Claire waited for take off, the silence of a constant message ping on her phone slightly unsettled her. It was then she realized the vast distance between Seattle and Edinburgh. A single tear escaped but she quickly pulled it together. She’s not even gone yet but homesickness hit her right away.

-

So the four-week long distance trial began.

The 8-hour time difference is not too crazy between Seattle and Edinburgh with their available times falling at the start and end of the day. They’ve been coping well with their synced calendars and communication options.

Jamie sends flowers and snacks to Seattle Grace, earning Claire points from the staff for all the treats she’s been giving away.

Claire, on her end, sends late messages to Jamie to wake up to in the morning and asks Mrs. Kim’s Korean Street Food Hub to delivery chicken wings to Jamie every so often.

They’ve also reserved some time on the weekend for extended calls with conversations falling from happenings to their week to what hairstyles and colors they’ve done in the past.

It wasn’t till late in the 3rd week that things started to shake up.

It was a random Thursday evening in rainy Seattle. Between two surgeries and one class, Claire was ready to call it a day. She was settling on her sofa, drinking her tea for a little night cap when her phone pinged. It was 9:30PM Seattle meaning it was 5:30AM Edinburgh, too early for anybody to contact her over there unless it was important.

Grabbing her phone, her notifications show it was from Geillis. It was a link to a tabloid along with a message “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS?”

With the link, she can see the preview of the title “Jamie Fraser is off the market!” Curiosity prevailed Claire and she clicked the article

-

On the other side of the world, Jamie, as always, promptly arrived at the firm. Just as he was to pass Mrs. Fitz, she called him out.

“Ah, lad”

“Yes, Mrs. Fitz?”

“I dinna ken yet what ye or Claire are yet but have ye spoken to her today?”

“Today? Not yet. Why?”

She motioned for him to come round the reception and take a peek at her monitor.

She showed him the same article Geillis sent Claire and as soon Jamie saw the accompanying photo, he fished out his phone and immediately contacted Claire. It was midnight in Seattle but Jamie didn’t care - he wanted to clear things before things got misinterpreted.

“Erm, hello?” a groggy Claire answered the phone on the other side of the line.

“Hi, were ye asleep?” Jamie asked as he walked the hallway to his office.

“I was but I answered already, what’s up?” she replied, her voice still muffled by sleep. She knew why he was calling though but wanted to hear it from him. “Did you just arrive at the firm?”

“Yes,” he replied, closing the door to his office for privacy. “Well, I don’t want to keep you long but an article came last night about me and well, in case ye’ll see it, it is not true.”

Jamie heard Claire sigh on the other end, “I’ve seen it” she confirmed.

“Ye’ve already seen it?” he repeated in disbelief, looking at his watch, it’s only been posted a few hours ago.

“Geillis sent it to me earlier, I think it just came out then. She’s a bit of a morning person so…”

“Claire, it isn’t true. It was all in a bad angle. The Dunsany’s have been a long-time client of ours and we had an unexpected dinner meeting yesterday. I was just escorting their daughter to her car when the paparazzi got wind of us and ran with whatever story they could think of.” Jamie quickly explained in summary.

“Okay.”

“Okay?”

“Yeah. I mean you say it’s not true and I believe you.”

“You don’t have any questions?” he asked, a little baffled.

“Not really. I mean was there more to it?”

“A bit but something we can talk about later.”

“Okay”

It was both refreshing and confusing as to why Claire seemed nonchalant about all this. On one end, she might be really understanding. On the other end, she might be harboring ill-feelings she didn’t want to discuss.

It was Jamie’s line that turned silent. Claire, guessing he might need more despite her sleepy state, obliged him. “Jamie, I won’t lie. I was surprised at first because of the photo and how the article was written with your family histories. Add to that, that I didn’t see it in the calendar and you didn’t text me about it.”

“Why didn’t you call -?”

“But” she interrupted him, “I also know you, Jamie, and I know about us. If I was really concerned, I’ll call you right away. But I’m not and we’ll be meeting later anyway, so I know we’ll talk about it eventually.” she paused to catch a breath. “Besides, you already explained it, I don’t need to know any more because I trust you, Jamie.”  

“Okay” it was Jamie’s turn to give the one-word reply.

“Are we okay now?” she asked.

“Yes, as long as ye are too.” Jamie replied to which Claire mummed in agreement. “Thank ye, Claire.”

“You’re welcome. Now, I’ll go back to sleep and see you later.” With that, Claire ended the call, a small smile crept on her face knowing the relief and joy Jamie probably feels right now.

[sweater-daddiesdumbdork]

Attack Of The Winter Wolf: Revealed

Summary- 7.7k Alpha Steve x Little One Reader. Steve and you pack up in the Stark Jet and head across the ocean, this time to Norway. Steve seems to think that there will be the answers needed to help your friends for good. Divider made by @firefly-graphics

Warnings- None

A/N- Those that have stuck with me through this, thank you. I hope this isn’t turning into a “what the hell are you trying to do Amber” kind of deal. Haha. I don’t have any real answers, its just whats coming out. Anyways, thank you for reading, as always its so appreciated to hear what your thoughts are on it. Happy Howling 🐺💙

Chapter Three / Masterlist

It was a rush the following morning, Steve and Tony were busy checking over the jet being loaned for the mission. Meanwhile Pepper showed you around the giant Stark Towers. The last time you had been here you were unconscious, not remembering any of it. Pepper’s heels clicking against linoleum, while you rushed after the fast paced Alpha who was doing two tasks at once. But once she led you on the elevator, hitting some buttons, she tucked her tablet under her arm, turning her attention to you with a relaxed smile. 

“Dr. Banner has been wanting to officially meet you.” She stated as an explanation for the elevator ride. Twiddling your fingers, you shuffled foot to foot a bit nervous, only knowing the doctor had been where Steve rushed you to first when Pierce injected you. 

When the elevator door dinged and the two of you stepped out to what looked like a medical wing. A dark haired man stepped out while flipping through a chart muttering to himself when Pepper cleared her throat. “Bruce, you have a visitor.” His head lifted, blinking at them from over his glasses frames, confused as to who would want to intrude on him. But then recognition crossed his features and he snapped his clipboard shut, striding over. 

“Y/N! Pepper told me Steve was coming back this way for help, and I was hoping he would bring you.” His hand popped out to shake yours. You welcomed it with a tilt of your head, drawing in his scent. A part of you recognized him, the hint of warmth and freshness. 

“ Dr.Banner a pleasure… Steve told me what you had done for me, thank you for everything.” 

Bruce sputtered a bit, giving a shrug. “Ahh, I wasn’t able to do much, just send you along to someone better able to handle what happened to you. Umm, do you have a few minutes? I just really would like to ask you a few questions about your experience. If you are okay with that of course.” He added almost shyly and you smiled reassuringly. 

“I have no problem with that Dr.Banner.” 

“Bruce please.” Bruce looked expectantly at Pepper who checked her watch and nodded. 

“We got time, Tony will have Friday call for us when the jet is ready.” Bruce immediately turned on his heels and led the two of you towards his office. 

Steve went through the jet, checking all the gear stashed on board as well as settling in the controls chair to make sure he was familiar with everything before leaving Stark towers. Tony plopped in the one next to him, making the Alpha in Steve rumble at the intrusion but Steve was able to placate him. 

“So off to Norway huh?” Tony leaned forward to enter the coordinates in the dash for the autopilot. “What's in Norway that can help you with everything?” 

Steve growled as he continued going over the controls. “You saw the file Fury sent along Stark. You know exactly who is there.” 

“Okay you got me.” Tony finished what he was doing and turned the chair to face Steve. “I also know he's basically a recluse now and the chance of you getting him to talk is almost nada, zip, zilch. What makes you think he's gonna spill what you need.” 

“I have my ways…” Steve said coldly, his wolf growling softly at the other Alpha in his space. 

Tony gave a mock shiver. “Alright alright… just be careful okay? I know we're not on the best terms Steve but I do have a lot of respect for what you are trying to do.” 

Steve arched a brow and shook his head. “We’re not enemies Tony, I don’t happen to agree or appreciate that stunt you pulled with Ross. But I think now my stance on that shit is known. We can disagree and still be fine.” Tony next to him brushed it off while continuing with the switches, making his own adjustments to the system. 

“I know Steve, it was still a shitty move on my part, bringing Ross into your home, where your mate was after everything that happened. But she certainly put me in my place.” He laughed, recalling how you kicked all of them out.

Steve glanced at Tony from the corner of his eye and rumbled out a “Thank you Stark, Y/N certainly isn't taking anyone's shit, not anymore.” Tony snorted in agreement to that statement. 

“I don’t think they ever do, Pepper is the same damn way.” 

Steve laughed in return, knowing full well that everything Tony said was accurate about Pepper Potts, Tony had chosen well for himself in Steve’s opinion. For all the tension between Steve and Tony, he respected the Alpha next to him, and knew that finding his packmates was just as important to Tony as it was to Steve. Not to mention finding those responsible for Happy’s murder. Steve turned his chair to face the other Alpha. “I’m sorry about what happened to Happy Tony. I know it’s hard to have lost someone who was family to you.” 

Tony blinked at him, warring with his own feelings about everything that happened. Losing Happy so brutally had taken a toll on Tony, finding the body having been dumped just outside of his territory, he still hadn’t been able to fully come to terms with it. “Thank you. Finding the bastards who did that has become my main priority.” Clapping his hands together to end the topic, he moved to a stand. “You Rogers are ready to go, ready to Captain my jet?” 

Steve waited till Tony moved out of his space before moving to follow him off the jet, keeping quiet about the further mention of Tony seeking out Happy’s killer. After seeing what had happened with Bucky and the rest, he already had his own sinking suspicions as to who killed Happy and he knew Tony did as well. 

“More than ready to go.” Steve stated, coming down the steps off the jet. Tony spoke up right then. 

“Friday, let Pepper and Y/N know that Captain Rogers is ready.” That caused Steve to roll his eyes and fold his arms over his chest. 

“Seriously Tony?” 

A smirk flashed, Tony winked at him. “Come on, I think it's a fitting title for you.”

Bruce was furiously writing notes while you described to him what you remembered being under due to the drug Pierce had injected you with when the AI Friday announced that the jet was ready, as well as Captain Rogers. You and Pepper quirk a confused look at one another, and she rolled her eyes with a sigh. “That's gotta be Tony’s doing I'm sure.” 

You nod in agreement, turning back to Bruce. “Looks like it's time for me to go Dr.Banner…” 

“Bruce.” He was quick to interrupt and moved to a stand to shake your hand. “Thank you so much for this.” He tapped his pad of paper where he had all the notes jotted. “I will put them in my file to share with Shuri. All this is incredibly helpful knowing more about the serum used on you.” 

Giving a vigorous shake back, you smiled genuinely at Bruce, you and your Little Wolf feeling quite relaxed with the man. “If I think of anything, I will be sure to send an email.” The Little Wolf flicked her tail in agreement, half listening while she was napping. 

“Oh! Yes please do with anything you might remember, no bit of information is too small.”   

Pepper walked out with you and joined you in the elevator. Reaching the top of Stark Towers, you both were greeted by Steve and Tony, who waited just inside the jet. As soon as you saw Steve, warmth washed over you, feeling that bond between you two hum happily, your wolves sought each other, in the moment they both were teasing each other, making your mood lift from having to leave once more. The genuine pleasure at seeing Steve melded that away, just as his own did, the wolves happiness being together melded with your own. Steve enclosed you in his arms, nuzzling the crown of your head a moment before questioning if you were all set.

“Tony Stark is funding another trip for us? I’m absolutely ready.” You joked as Steve let you go so you could turn to face Tony who scoffed at you. 

“Don’t let Cap here defile my jet please!” Tony was sure to give you his signature hug, that made Steve rumble a bit although you instead laughed and gave a bop of your shoulder. 

“No promises Stark. Pepper, thank you for showing me around your home.” Embracing her in a thank you. 

“Stay safe and bring my jet back quickly, Cap.” Tony pipped up while walking off the jet with Pepper, cackling to himself at the finger Steve threw up while the doors shut you two in. 

The Alpha muttered to himself while dropping into the pilot's seat and you were quick to join him on the opposite side. You buckled in while he flicked on buttons. “Captain Rogers?” you questioned watching him get the jet ready. 

Steve rolled his eyes as he made sure everything was set and handed you a headset while fitting his own on, the jet rumbling to life around you. “Tony thinks he is very slick, giving nicknames. Apparently Cap is his new one for me.” 

You smirked at him, winking as you settled the headset on and spoke into the microphone. “I think Captain Rogers has its benefits, Steve.” 

His hand went around the handle and started to push it forward, edging the jet forward to take off, the spanse of New York City below you. Much like the night before, you marveled at the beauty only a city could offer. “You would Little One.” 

A voice piped up over the channel, Tony coming over the comms. “I think your mate has a point Cap.” 

Steve growled into the comm for a second while you started laughing in the seat next to him. “Tony! Get off this channel.” 

“It's my jet, Rogers! I will listen in if I want.” He was about to continue when Steve took off his headset, setting the jet on autopilot with the coordinates. 

You snickered into the system. “Sorry Tony, Steve is cutting you off. Bye Stark.” You effectively cut Tony off and slipped the head set off, setting it aside while you leaned forward to get a better look out the window, unbuckling in the process. “You know since I have been with you Steve, I have seen things I never thought I would. Look at this.” You directed your gaze at the expanse of the sky before you, baby blue as far as the eye could see, the skyline rushing closer till the two of you crossed over the cities edged, now nothing but the Atlantic underneath you. “Beautiful.” 

Steve settled back to admire what you were looking at, letting some of his worries sink to the back of his mind. “It is… sometimes I forget you haven't seen all this before.” He held out his arm for you to join him, which you pushed from your seat and settled in his lap, his chin resting on your shoulder. “Do you remember much from the last time I showed you?” 

You perch on his knee and look over the dash, worrying your lip. “Mmh barely.” Your eyes roved over the panels while Steve dragged the tip of his nose along the curve of your neck, inhaling against it and letting it settle him further. Both the man and Alpha wanted to enjoy the long flight with you. 

“I guess we will be getting a crash course, Little One.” He rumbled happily while you seated yourself into a more comfortable position in his lap. 

You looked over your shoulder at him, your eyes laughing at his remark and bringing the exact response he wanted. “Really Captain?” 

Tightening his arm around your waist, he nipped at your lips with teasing affection. “Tony isn't the only funny one around here.” 

Steve spent a few hours describing the functions and some of how to fly. Together you both got to watch the sun going down and eventually you started napping in the copilot's seat, even though Steve tried to get you to go lay down in the back. 

These quiet moments, Steve wandered back to his memories, the Alpha in his mind lifting his head from the Little Wolf’s back where he had laid to rest, flicking his ears back and forth a bit at Steve’s thoughts. 

The first thing that came to memory was the stinging scent of smoke.

“Rogers, don't you dare go into that building!” Fury’s voice commanded Steve who stalled in the doorway, peering into Hydras base, nose flaring trying to catch scent of their missing comrades. “You are not commander in this mission.” 

“But Buck and the rest might be in there… I'm going” Steve defied Fury, darting into the darkness and out of sight, Fury's voice echoing behind him. 

“ROGERS! GET YOUR ASS BACK OUT HERE!” 

Steve continued forward, letting his Wolf out enough to sharpen his senses. His eyes picking up the bit of light in the darkened hallways leading deeper into the compound, his eyes glimmer dangerously in the dark looking for any sign of movement. He could sense others nearby, friend or foe though he was unsure. Footsteps silent, Steve once in a while looking behind him tense to make sure no one knew he was there. Glances in rooms showed them abandoned, cleared in a haste to get out before Shield got there Steve was sure. Ahead he heard scuffles and growls, chains clanking and the sound of voices in hushed tones. The Wolf lowered to his belly, quivering in anticipation should Steve allow him to take over. He eased the door open with a creak when relief washed over him. 

There men, most of them in large cages. Familiar scents washed over him and they all perked sensing Steve. 

“Rogers is that you?” Someone muttered while Steve approached, searching for a key anywhere in a nearby desk. 

“Yes, the rest of the troop is just outside. We haven't found anyone though. Where is everyone?” 

“Bolted man, once they heard Fury was coming they grabbed their shit and left. They didn’t have the bodies to defend this place.” Dugan responded as he pushed to the front watching while Steve searched the desk. Steve opened the last drawer, cursing as he pushed aside papers and flung them to the side. Then he was rewarded with a ring full of keys. Rushing over, the two men tried sorting through them, Steve stuffing them one by one in the locks, quick to go to the next till they found another. 

“They left us and their experiments.” Dugan continued filling Steve in while he tried to find the right keys. “Some messed up stuff, they are in the next room I think.”

The Alpha rumbled to catch Steve’s attention. <Bucky isn’t with them.> The mans head whipped up while the lock clicked finally, able to pry it open and release his packmates. 

“Where is Buck?”  

“Bucky… he was brought in there and never came back out.” another said, pointing at the door across the room.

The Alpha rumbled suddenly in an alert and Steve tensed and whipped around when an eerily sharp howl sounded through the building. Dugan pushed the door open, tensing as well. “That's one of them, their experiments.” 

Steve wrangled the keys out of the lock and started to go down the line, unlocking each cage, shifters passing him to get outside. 

“Fury, you have outcoming hostages, they are friendly, don't fire.” Steve spoke into the comm. 

“I hear you Rogers.” Came Fury’s voice in a wave of static. “Any unfriendlies?” 

“No, Dugan notified me they all bailed once they heard we were coming” Steve responded before turning to his friend. “Dugan, get the rest out of here, I’m going to keep looking.” 

His friend bared his teeth at him, bristling at the notion. “You don’t know what's back there Rogers.” 

“If I have to, I will retreat, get these men out of here. I’m not leaving anyone behind.” Steve growled back deeper, the Alpha in him asserting himself and the man backed off with a disgruntled nod. 

Waiting to make sure they were going to leave, Steve approached the door cautiously, using his senses to pick up what might be on the other side, who might be on the other side. He was praying for a miracle, because nothing but death filled his senses as he eyed the door, drawing in any scent left behind. It was all jumbled, multitudes of men and women have passed through the threshhold, making it almost impossible to pinpoint any specific person. “Well… let's see what's on the other side.” Steve shouldered through the door and a lab stretched before him, ominous equipment stretched on either side. A groan came from somewhere ahead and Steve paused till he heard it again. It was so distinct to him that the hair on the back of his neck prickled, the Alphas own fur raising as well along the ridge of his back, it was another Alpha, but this one they knew. 

“Oh thank fucking god.” Steve uttered as he rushed forward to find Bucky strapped down and Steve started pulling at the straps holding him down. Wires were strapped all over Bucky's neck and chest and stretched to attach to some equipment, Steve started yanking them off as well when finally Bucky started to come around. 

“S-Steve?” His eyes sharpened and he clutched at Steve's uniform, worried that he wasn't real. 

“It’s me Buck, we’re getting out of here.” Steve tried assuring him, keeping his voice light and calm even though he was far from that. He had never seen Bucky so scared. Suddenly the howling started again from the back of the room and both men glanced that way. 

“Whoever it is just keeps doing that.” Bucky muttered when a voice crackled in the comms. 

“In-ing” then static sounded in Steve's ear, making him wince as he pressed his hand over his ear. 

“Repeat? What was that Fury?” 

“In-oming! G-t Ou-” The building started to shake and lights started zapping and popping around them. 

“We ca-t hold hi-, Get O-” Fury yelled into the comm but Steve had to rip it out, electricity zapping through it and breaking it up too much. Bucky gripped Steve tighter, his pupils blown in his panic. 

“What the fuck is it now?!” 

“I don't know… but we gotta get out of here.” Bucky started pulling Steve towards the exit, but whatever was in the back rattled its cage with a savage snarl, and Steve couldn’t leave who ever or what ever it was behind. He stuttered to a stop, Bucky pausing at the door with a shake of his head. 

“Man, we got to go… there isn't enough time.” 

Steve’s hands dropped to his pants and felt madly for the keys he had stuffed in his pocket earlier. “We can’t leave him in there Buck.” He waved his hand. “Go, I got this.” 

Bucky cursed but held tight, refusing to leave Steve behind.  

Steve raced towards the cage to free whatever was inside, shoving the key he used before into the lock and it clicked to open. Glowering green eyes blinked at him from the shadowed part of the cage, but he couldn't make anything else out in the seconds he got the door open. Bucky was screaming his name and when he managed to get the door to swing wide, a bundle of black sprang on his chest, bared white fangs yawning open going for Steve’s throat….

“Steve- Steve?” Your voice cut through and he shook his head a bit to clear it before looking at you. 

“Sorry, I thought you were sleeping Little One.” 

“I was, but the computer started beeping on the dash.” You pointed to a blinking light and Steve leaned forward to check the system, smiling. 

“We're here and just in time to. Look” He pointed out the window at the faint purple in the skyline, the sun easing up beyond the cloud cover to turn a brilliant red and orange of dawn. When Steve took over, he started to drop the jet down. Below the clouds the land turned a deep almost emerald wild green shimmering with mist stretching like tendrils to a spiderweb over the land, still in the early morning phase of waking up. 

You weren't lying earlier when you said you saw things you had never expected. From the rainforest and safari of Wakanda to the lush greenery of Norway, you soaked it all in with awe. So long spent locked away in a room, gazing with longing at the upper windows that offered nothing more than peeks of the sky. Now you soared over the world with your Mate. Even the Little Wolf was in awe, slithering away from where the Alpha was half sleeping and prancing excitedly with joy at the adventure. The Alpha stretched out, arching his back and padded heavily after her, nuzzling her affectionately while her tail waved back and forth, unable to stay still in her excitement. 

“The Little Wolf is excited.” You told Steve and he winked at you. 

“I can feel it. What do you say we take her down?” 

Steve easily maneuvered the Stark Jet down to land in a wide open field bordering the ocean. You followed him towards the doors swinging open and already wolves appeared from the long grass with tilted heads checking out the newcomers. You sidled up to Steve’s side a moment, watching the wolves dart back out of sight in the tall grass and heard their howls break the silence, announcing their arrival. It was a welcome sound, you couldn't detect any hostility in the notes. But their songs were so different. Sounded much older, almost like a language all its own. 

Steve cupped his hand and gave a sharp “We’re here” yip, that was answered resoundingly from all around you, the pack having circled you two and remained just out of sight. His arm lowered around your shoulders and you held your breath, unsure of what to expect. A bellow came, joyful and loud as a tall blonde man, even taller than Steve stepped out, his arms opened wide in greeting. 

“Why what a surprise! Are you here for the Asgard hospitality? I didn't think anything would ever get you to leave your corner in the world.” The over sized man strode towards them rather quickly, and the closer he came the more your eyes widened. You didn't think you had seen anyone who was as bigger then Steve in stature. He clasped Steve's shoulder and directed his joyful gaze down at you. “And who is this lovely maiden you bring with you?” 

“If I could be there, trust me I would. This is my mate, Y/N. Y/N, this is Thor, the Alpha here.” Steve protectively wrapped an arm around you, even though you wore his mark for Thor to see, Alphas always had a bit of tension between them no matter how much their human counterparts tried to quell it. 

Thor though seemed unaware of such a vibe as he beamed down at you warmly. “Well Little Pup, welcome to Asgard.” He took your hand in a vigorous pump and you couldn't help but warm right up to him and his exuberant nature. “We run free and feast like we are in the halls of the Old Kings here.” He swept the both of you down the path and all around his wolves started to howl and dance in a joyful manner, playing among each other much like they were participating in the Full Moon Run. “Now Rogers does tell me what has been going on across the water? It's been a while since I've visited there.” 

“Afraid we have been having some issues.” Steve started, filling Thor in on the recent attacks, taking apart the packs and capturing the Alpha’s. The viciousness in the attacks and the destruction left behind. Thor listened patiently until Steve mentioned Hydra. That's when he paused, you and Steve having taken a few steps ahead but noticed he wasn't with you. You turned to see him glowering. 

“That's why you are here, Rogers, isn't it? Because of Hydra. He wont talk to you about it you know.” 

Steve sighed and you had a sinking feeling about the situation, not fully understanding what was going on. 

“I have to try Thor, your brother was the only one who was able to break from the collars power and the mind shit Hydra does to their victims.” 

“He barely interacts with any of us Steve, he mostly stays as his animal out there.” Thor retorted, the sky started to darken slightly and you frowned to yourself at the sudden change in atmosphere while glancing up. 

Steve sighed, letting his arms hang loose at his sides to show Thor he was no threat to him. “I know Odinson, trust me. I wouldn’t be here if there was any other way. Packs, families are all being killed off, Alphas removed. How long till you think it will be till it comes over here?” Steve pointed out and Thor’s face twisted and he looked away. 

“It won’t be like before, I won’t let it.” 

“You don't know that… Shield risked sending the Howling Commando’s over here to help your people, now I’m asking for your help. Just let me try talking to him?” 

Your heart twisted as you saw Thor try to control his emotions on his face and you reached out to touch his arm, Steve for once kept quiet, inhaling deeply to keep himself in check. “Hydra really hurt him, didn't they? If it's too much we will just leave. Right Steve?” 

“If you tell me absolutely not Thor, she’s right. We will leave right now and not bother you again.” 

Thor glanced back at you, his eyes searching yours and you could see everything he was doing was about protecting this person. You bit at your lip nervously, you knew you were invading this Alpha’s space but stepped in closer anyways. “Please let us try? We just want to save those we still have left. Our packmates are fighting a losing battle with Hydra, we don't want to lose them.” 

A sigh escaped the man and he glanced over your head to Steve. “You're lucky you have her you know… she’s softened me. Slightly.” You stepped back towards Steve, who now laid his hand around your waist, chuckling softly. 

“You really don’t know half of it, she has a gift.” You wriggled in his hold a bit but he just tightened his fingers against you. “Thank you Thor for letting us try.” 

He shrugged at you both with a shake of his head. “I'm still saying that he wont talk to you, but I will show you where he stays when he is not hunting.” 

Steve gave a nod of appreciation while you reached for his hand and gave a light squeeze. “Thank you Thor.” You gave your own sentiments. 

The man looked at the two of you a moment, his eyes falling to your linked hands and motioned across the moors. “This way…” He cupped his hands, giving another howling song and the wolves joined them, spreading around Thor, these wolves were even larger than Mountain Packs wolves, giant beasts that were moving gracefully around there Alpha. You could feel the ground beneath your footfalls vibrating from there movements, the lush grass swishing to add to the melody of it all. Above them the thunder still rumbled with strong booms that cackled with electricity but had retreated from the fierceness it had flared up earlier. 

Your Little Wolf kneaded her paws next to the Alpha, lifting her head to inhale the air around them, it spoke of a wildness she was not used to. Something feral that did not adhere to normal pack constraints. The Alpha rumbled next to her, now and then dropping his muzzle to his mate to reassure her, but the pull to shift for both of them was strong. 

You could tell Steve felt it as well, the way he angled his body close to yours in a protective manner, his hand moving from a simple hold to pressing against your hip, wrapping around you. You tilted your head up towards Steve, your confusion clouding your features. He dropped his head to press a nip to your neck, whispering softly just for you. “I will explain later.” 

Thor paused in front of a wood that looked ancient, the gnarled trees had stories to tell. Shadows played deeper beyond the edge, enticing you to wander in. Your Little Wolf huffed slightly, breaking the enchantment you had fallen into. 

<This isn't just a forest Y/N, something powerful lives here.> Her ears flattened and you could feel her unease and the Alpha’s wariness sharpening, his ears pricked forward before twisting listening. 

What is it? You questioned your Little Wolf and she whined unsure. You felt the Alpha slip away, in the same moment Steve tilted his face up, his nostrils flaring. You knew he was scenting for any kind of danger that might come from the old forest.

Next to you Thor boomed out loudly, making it echo. “Come out Loki!” You and the Little Wolf perked, hearing the woods shift and groan, shadows danced closer when a streamlined black shadow emerged to turn solid, the beast was streamlined. His size shifting to grow larger in the presence of you and Steve, a sharp pointed muzzle turned towards you and ears twitched with interest as he took you both in. You were a bit taken aback when you saw Loki, but he paused just after the forest ended and you could see the tip of his nose twitching, green eyes with almost emerald qualities glinting with the bit of light that somehow seemed to filter from the thunderous clouds still rumbling above you. 

What do we have here? An omega to Rogers? A true Omega? Oh what a prize he really does have here. I wonder if he knows… A voice tickled your senses and the Little Wolf spun in your mind, searching for the intrusion. The Alpha returned to the Little Wolf, curling around her with a growl and a laugh echoed through you, not one that belonged to you. 

“Steve…” You whined a bit and he furrowed his brow looking at you, confused as well as to what was going on, feeling you through your bond. 

“Rogers is here to talk with you Loki, come out and quit playing games Brother.” Thor folded muscular arms across his chest and the black canine shimmered an emerald green while disappearing in a wisp of shadow and a sharp yip barking out from nowhere. 

A resounding defiant No. 

Thor shook his head at Steve. “Loki won't interact with Alphas short of me Steve, not since Shield pulled him from Hydra.” 

The Little Wolf unweaved from the Alpha when she heard Thor. 

<Y/N, we’re not an Alpha. Maybe he will talk to us.> 

Steve would never allow us to go in there alone. 

<It's the only way, Loki won't talk to Steve. He's too much of a threat to him. Say something, that big Alpha doesn't seem scared that Loki will hurt us.> 

You took a deep breath and while Thor and Steve discussed other options, you turned to the men, catching there attention. “Let me go in and talk to him.” Steve immediately barked out a no, but Thor tilted his head, considering what you were saying. “I'm not an Alpha, he won't be threatened by me, right Thor?” You pressed for an answer from the man and he nodded. 

“Your Little Pup has a point, Rogers. Loki wouldn't hurt her. I will escort her inside so she’s protected the whole way.” 

Steve felt his chest expand as he drew up to his full height. “I'm not letting Y/N go in by herself, I know you trust your brother, but I don't.” His eyes flared yellow, the Alpha close to the surface with concerns of your safety. You could see that he was winding up to call all this off when you reached up to grasp his face between your palms, tilting his head to look directly at you. 

“Alpha trust me, I know I can do this.” You stressed to him, the furrow in his forehead deepening as you knew he was at war with himself. “If anything is wrong, I will call you. Let me do this.” His hands circled your wrists and you felt that war inside of him. The same one where it was ingrained in him to keep you safe at all costs. It was all right there, flooding through the bond you two shared, your confidence, his worry. Steve huffed slightly before lifting his gaze from yours.  

“Thor, give me a moment with my mate please.” Steve requested and Thor moved away, closer towards the border of his brother’s forest, his broad back turned towards the two of you while he waited. “Little One, if something happens. Loki isn't a normal wolf…” 

“I could tell that as soon as we came near here.” You let your fingers press through his beard on his cheeks and slide down to his neck, sure to rub his scent against you in the process as well as sharing calming touches. “But he has the answers we need, Alpha.” 

Steve knew you were right, but the inner battle was fierce. The Alpha wanted to protect his mate, an animalistic need to not let you go into that forest, every fiber of his being was on edge because of it. His human side knew you could do this and get the answer to save their pack mates. You were confident, he needed to trust you like you asked. 

<Don't you let her go in there with that Alpha. What is Loki going to do to stop us.> 

Loki is not all Wolf as you well know, he won't tolerate the intrusion. 

The Alpha bristled aggressively, licking his muzzle over and over nervously. <We won't be there to protect her should he turn on her.> 

But Thor will be… You know as much as I do that he wouldn't let any get hurt in his care. 

“Trust me Alpha.” Your fingers trailed along the mark you had left on him, your mark that made him belong to you. The most sacred of bonds a mated pair could share and made in the utmost trust that you two would take care of each other. 

She is asking us to trust her. If we can’t trust in our mate, then what hope do we have? Steve was firm and the Alpha had to concede to him. 

Steve moved his hands to your face, cupping the most important part of his life gently in his palms as he inhaled deeply and tipped his forehead against yours. “Little One, if anything happens, anything at all, call for me. I will come get you.” 

The corners of your mouth lifted and he saw it go to your eyes, pride and strength that your Alpha was trusting you to go in his place. “Of course Alpha.” You lifted to catch his lips, nuzzling your nose against his. “I know you will come for me if I need you.” You embraced him fiercely, Steve let his nose bury in the crown of your head and then let you go against his instincts. The Wolf rumbled, anxious as he paced watching you reach Thor. His eyes reached the other Alphas. “Thor…” 

“I understand what is at stake. No harm will come to her, I swear it.” 

You looked so tiny next to the man, your head tilted up to look at him with a warm smile and Thor's tilted down to look back at you. Steve watched the same warm smile cross Thor's face, making your mate proud of you, how easily you had already won Thor over. You had come so far from the runaway he first met and your warmth spread so easily to those around you. Maybe Loki wouldn't be immune to you. 

The moment you stepped into the forest with Thor, it darkened. Looking over your shoulder, the emerald green sea of the moor was almost a picture racing away to be enclosed by old tree trunks. You licked your lips nervously and folded your arms around your body, sure to keep up with Thor. He was confident in his strides, the darkening vibrant woods was just as much home for him as the windswept open land you two left behind. 

The Little Wolf was curious in the new surroundings, pacing and keeping a keen eye on everything you were hurriedly passing by trying to keep up with Thor. 

You weren't wrong that the forest had a life all its own. It seemed to breathe around you, moss stretched across large boulders that sprang tendrils of plant life curling upwards to try and reach sunlight. Heavy thick trees were bristling against your palm and almost seemed to heave in sighs at your gentle touch. Thor glanced back at you, golden tendrils clinging to his face now and his eyes crinkled in watching you loosen from your fear into awe. 

“You feel it, right?” He chuckled and you withdrew your hand from the tree back to your body. 

“What do you mean?” 

“Its soul, the magic in it all.” He braced against a tree and inhaled deeply. “All of this is very alive as you and I, it's old and has been standing long before we claimed this as home.” 

You tentatively touched a nearby tree again, feeling tingles in your palms, making you shudder a bit. “It is certainly… like home, but not quite.” 

Thor nodded with a wink. “Still a baby over there, your packs are just starting to write the stories that will live on after you are gone. One day they will have a life of their own, just like this one.” 

Your brows quirked at his words. He's a funny man isn't he. 

Your Little Wolf curled her tail around herself as she sat down. <He is, but I like him. This place feels like we belong here.> 

There does seem to be a certain calling to be here… 

You two continued on and you risked another statement. “Loki is not like you, is he?” 

Thor shook his head. “No, he is not. But you have no need to worry Little Wolf.” He paused while he glanced around, inhaling sharply. “It's just me and Y/n, Brother, come out of hiding.” 

“I'm not hiding, I can't help that you are not a more observant Brother.” A cool voice came from above and your eyes shot up to a long legged man lounging in the branches, looking almost like he couldn't be bothered. Thor snorted impatiently and motioned towards you. 

“Y/N has some questions for you.” 

Vivid green eyes fell on you and a cool grin formed as he moved to sit up and slide down. He walked in such a predatory way, almost circling you. The Little Wolf's hackles raised at him and you hitched yourself straighter. You felt that tingle in your mind again. 

Why is it your Alpha is sending you in here for Omega? My brother is right, you are just a little pup aren’t you, so new to the world...

You snarled out loud, glaring at him. “You are not welcome in my mind, and I’m no pup.” And a quick withdrawal left you and Little Wolf alone once more. You could feel your Alphas curling warmth in your mind, even if he couldn't be with you. 

Respect crossed Loki's features and he bowed his head. “Forgive my intrusion. It's not often I'm sought out, except by Thor that is.” Thor barked out a deep bellowing laugh, clasping your shoulder. 

“You can't use your tricks on this one, she is small but fierce. Her Alpha has great respect for her.” 

Loki gave a slight sniff, his green eyes sliding over you as he remarked. “I’m afraid you are right.” 

You shrugged out of Thor’s grasp now, wanting the answers you came for. “Loki, our packmates have been collared by Hydra. Steve seems to think that you know how to break from their control. Please, is there any way to break the hold they have on them.” Loki suddenly appeared next to you, his fingers catching a lock of your hair and pressing it between his fingers for a moment as if further inspecting you. You jumped and pulled away from him, making Thor growl a warning at him. But you narrowed your gaze at him, knowing well that he was testing you. You had seen it all before while living with Pierce. “Don't touch me Loki, only Steve is allowed to. How did you do that anyways, appear next to me?” 

His fingers swirled slightly, green wisps dancing around his nimble long fingers. “Magic Dear. I'm part Coyote, a Trickster. Sure your Alpha told you?” 

You shook your head. “No… He doesn't talk much about his life in Shield.” Your Little Wolf crooned in comfort, knowing sometimes you were worried about how he would be so vague about it. 

“Well it was a dark time for the shifters.” Loki admitted and glanced at his brother. “I don't much like discussing that time either.” You clenched your jaw a moment, worried he was going to flat out refuse your requests but he dipped his head. “But for you Dear, you boldly come out here without your Alpha, that deserves to have your questions answered. Come…” He beckoned to you and led you away, Thor was not far behind. Soon a small dwelling came into view and the door yawned open, which Loki stepped in. 

Inside was different from what you were expecting. Books lined shelves upon shelves, seeming to go on forever. Plush chairs were dotted near a fireplace and wooden carvings dotted the entire area. Wood shavings littered the floor, making you smile a bit because it reminded you of your Alpha, the fresh wood scent enveloping you. The place was cozy, almost like something from a story book. Of course, this whole experience was making you feel that way, like some sort of fairytale your mother would have told you before bed. Thor heavily fell into a nearby chair, quiet as his brother waved at a seat in offering to you.   

Loki approached a shelf and whispered under his breath till a box fell into his hands. Easing it open, he pulled out a collar. Silver strands weaved together into an intricate design. “This one was mine, but it stopped working on me after a time. So it was just useless metal. Why Hydra had kept me caged when Steve found me.” He handed it to you and you were caught by surprise at how light it was. Studying it closer, you could see twists of coarse black fur wedged through it where it sat on Loki’s neck. 

“Why did it stop working?” You asked curiously and Loki settled down in one of the seats. 

“Simple, I willed for my freedom. Most of the wolves have such a strong desire to follow an Alpha. Even the Alphas themselves can be forced to follow a stronger one should they come across one. Hydra didn't know I wasn't a Wolf, not completely. I can't be controlled in the same way for long. But it's that simple in how to get your wolves back. Your Alpha has to challenge them for control. Assert that he is stronger than the one controlling them with the collars.”  

You handed his collar back to him and Loki flicked his wrist to send it back to the box, the box flashing away in the same green blaze you had seen earlier. “That's all it takes?” You asked incredulously. Loki shrugged with a nod. 

“Hydra though is led by someone who has a power that no Wolf should have. It's how they are able to control such a large and secret organization for such a long time. But such power can always be challenged.” He drifted off, looking away into the fire he had burning in the fireplace. 

You let the silence sit for a few moments before speaking up. 

“Why wouldn't you talk to Steve?” 

Loki gave a slight roll of eyes. “I don't care for Alpha’s, they always feel the need to challenge and dominate. I've dealt with that enough in my life. I choose to live on the edges of my own Pack, still a member should Thor need my assistance and the rest leave me in peace.” 

“Then why me? You seemed interested in me being an Omega.” The Little Wolf stopped her pacing for just a moment, head tilted in curiosity. 

“Because true Omegas do not need to dominate or be controlled by anyone.” Loki turned towards you, his head tilting into your direction. “You might always submit to your Alpha, but that's a choice you and your wolf make together, consciously or not. If you were to ever truly want to defy him, you easily could. It's why you were able to make me leave when I was exploring your mind.” You rolled your eyes a bit at the trickster, clearly not believing him. A life time of being made to submit to Pierce against your will and the recent incidents with Steve... you felt he had you mistaken. “ You can roll your eyes at me all you want Little Pup, but I know what I’m talking about. Omega’s can be a threat to Alpha’s or for the right one, there everything. Really depends on the Alpha they are connected to. So I like you Little Omega, you are a challenge for me.” He winked and you rolled your eyes, but couldn't help the smile you gave to him. After all was said and done, you liked the Trickster. 

“Is there anything else you can tell me? How did you get the collar off?” You asked and Loki motioned towards Thor. 

“That was me. After Fury contacted me that Loki was with the Howling Commando’s Unit, I went to bring him home. I can provide you two with a special knife made to deal with unnatural made materials.” Loki rubbed at his face and his front door sprang open, a rush of air billowing into the dwelling. 

“Now I have answered your questions Omega, I can feel your Alpha pacing my border anxious. It's getting on my nerves. Return to him so he can settle back down.” 

You nodded, letting your senses open a bit and sure enough Steve was anxious, although far physically, you could feel him. Nodding as you approached Loki, you held out your hand to him. He eyed it a moment, and then slid his own in yours respectfully to give a shake. “Perhaps soon we will cross paths again, Little Omega.” 

“Perhaps we will Trickster.” You bid a final goodbye and now you left a bit more at ease, having the information you and Steve needed to save your family. 

[tomtenadia]

A Little Braver - Chapter 15

It’s Monday and as promised the new chapter of the adventures of east station is here. This one is angsty. Our Aelin is dealing with the aftermath of her nearly death at the airport fire. She tries to be brave but fails.

Oh, yeah, Dorian is a cinnamon roll.

CW: PTSD, panic attacks and language.

The gif as a header is silly. it was just to lighten the mood before the chapter. it was desk job and fire and the scene in the IT CROWD where Moss deals with a fire on his desk is hilarious.

Hope you will enjoy.

------------------------

The following morning Aelin was, for once, the first one to wake up and she felt giddy. The doctors had given her the all clear to go back to work. It was desk for duty only and had recommended to take it easy for the first week back. She was excited at the idea of wearing her uniform once more and be back with the rest of her squad. She had missed them all. Their banter, their company.

She looked at Rowan still asleep and giggled. It was so unusual for her to wake up before him. Had it been his day off, she would have let him sleep but he had to go to work as well so she had decided to wake him up in a special way. She got off the bed, walked to his side, then took a step backward and finally jumped and landed on him.

“What the heck?” he roared, grabbed her and turned in a very swift motion caging her in between his arms with his body towering on her.

“I am your new alarm clock,” she smiled looking up at him.

“Worst alarm ever.” His legs trapped hers as well so that Aelin was fully blocked under him.

“What if I was am naked? Still a bad alarm?”

His hands sneaked down her body and Aelin was getting ready for them to make her a happy and satisfied woman, but they stilled and a moment later he started tickling her.

She whimpered and tried to wiggle free from his grasp but Rowan was relentless and she was now screaming for him to stop and shaking her head wildly, blond hair flowing everywhere.

“Rowan, please.” She shouted when she reached a point in which she could not take it anymore.

He finally stopped, realising he had punished her enough but never moved away from her.

“Enjoying the view, captain?” She mused at his strange expression.

“You are stunning,” he whispered dropping a kiss on her lips “you have no idea, but when you smile you can seriously give a man a heart attack.” His voice now gruff with lust.

She looked down at his strained briefs and grinned “not just that apparently.”

Aelin pulled up on her elbows and begged for a kiss “we can have some morning fun in bed, or we can use the shower and save some time.”

A second later she was airborne and Rowan was carrying her to the bathroom “I love the way you think, captain.”

The shower took much, much longer than they had planned. Both of them were now running around the bedroom grabbing pieces of clothing to get ready to go to work.

“Totally worth it.” She told him while pulling up her jeans.

He leaned over while tying his tie and kissed her “so, so worth it.”

“How do you feel?”

“Giddy, to be honest.” She confessed ignoring the pang of nervousness that she had been feeling since the day before. She wanted to go back, but deep down a part of her was panicking at the idea, but she had not mentioned that to Rowan. He would fuss unnecessarily and she was done staying at home and be a patient.

She took a deep breath and wore her hoodie.

“Are you going to finish as normal tonight?” Rowan turned to her, while wearing his jacket.

“Yes, I will be doing a normal nine till five for now. Aedion knows. A part from paperwork I am useless.”

He heard the pang of sadness in her voice and walked to her to hug her “you will go back. You just need to be patient, Fireheart.”

She sighed and her arms went around his waist to steady her “Yeah.”

“Do you want me to drive you?”

“No,” replied Aelin shaking her head “no, I will be fine,” but from the tone Rowan knew she was not. Something was nagging at her and he feared she was putting a mask on. He sighed and blamed it on his crazy need to fuss about her.

Together they left the house and he accompanied to her car. And that alarm bell rang again in his head when he noticed the smallest hesitation in her.

“Text me, call me if you need anything.” He kissed her, cupping her face in his hands “I love you, captain.”

“Of course, who wouldn’t?” She gave him a tight smile and kissed him back “I will see you tonight.”

*

Aelin had been driving for a good ten minutes when she pulled over and got out of the car and on the pavement very quickly, feeling sick. Leaning against the car door, she felt her heart racing madly in her chest and she felt like she could not breathe.

“Are you okay, miss?” Asked a passerby noting her distress.

“I am okay.” She managed breathlessly “thank you.” 

Slowly she moved back in the car and sat back at the wheel but did not move. Just closed her eyes and waited for the queasiness to pass. One long deep breath after the other and she started regaining a bit of sanity and eventually started the car and drove to work.

She left her car along the pavement as usual then got out and took a step onto the apparatus floor. Both engine and truck and the ambulance were still there. She took another step then froze and noticed her hands shaking. What was wrong with her?

The yard was empty but she knew the crew was going to be on shift, they were probably all having breakfast together as they were used to do when they started a shift in the morning.

She looked at the trucks and almost fell sick again. A part of her wanted to turn around and run and she almost did it if it hadn’t been for Brullo’s cheery voice “cap,” he shouted, walked to her and crushed her in a bear hug.”You are back, we missed you so much.” He let her go and grabbed her hand “come on, we are all in the kitchen having breakfast. This is going to be an amazing surprise.” Aelin nodded and followed him. Her heart racing in her chest so much it hurt.

Once in the kitchen the noise that erupted as soon as she stepped in was deafening,

Everyone ran to her for a hug or to ask her questions, Ress gave her back her captain hard hat and she tried very hard to smile, to look happy while instead the emotions were too much for her to bear. She pulled away joking that she needed to breath and for some reason she had to fight tears from falling. 

“Hi guys.” She did her best to sound as steady as possible.

Aedion got to her side and ruffled her hair and her mind remembered that he was the one who found her almost dead in the inferno that had been the airport crash.

She felt sick again. This was all too much.

“I am back,” she said, giving them a tight smile her.

Aedion seemed to notice her distress and pulled her closer in a hug “finish your breakfast everyone, then you know your duties for the morning. It’s Aelin’s first day back. Let the woman breathe.”

Aelin kissed Aedion on the cheek “thank you, I missed you all, but that was a lot.”

“We have plenty of breakfast, would you like some?”

She nodded. She and Rowan had been too busy having fun that it had been too late for him to make breakfast, something he had complained about quite loudly. He was very strict with her meals and always made sure she ate. He had been incredible and since he had started living with her she had fallen for him even more. They had even stopped fighting. They bickered, but that was fun. She thought about him and in that instant she realised that his arms around her would be the only way to calm the panic rising in her. He grounded her.

Aedion passed her a plate with some breakfast and she took a bite, ignoring the protests of her stomach.

Once it was just the two of them Aedion finally took the courage to speak to her “are you okay?”

She knew she would struggle to lie to him “you know you can talk to me, right?”

Aelin stood “I have a lot to catch up to,” and walked away, ignoring Aedion completely.

Once in her office she slammed the door shut and walked to her desk. It was covered in mail and few notes from Aedion. He had been acting captain while she had been off. She turned on the pc and spent a good hour going through all her emails.

Marcus had sent her a few articles about the incident at the airport and had highlighted the parts about her. One of the articles had an aerial picture of the disaster and as she saw it, she stood and moved away from her desk. Her breath became laboured and dizziness and nausea came back. She went to the sofa and sat down, taking her head in her hands. In that instant she heard someone knocking at the door and stood quickly “come in,” she said trying to sound herself.

Lysandra’s head popped in “hi, you. Can I come in? Are you busy?”

Aelin motioned to join her on the sofa.

“How does it feel to be back?”

Terrifying. Aelin wanted to say “a bit overwhelmed, there is so much I have to catch up that I don’t know where to start so I am just sitting on the sofa and hope work will complete itself.” Good, let’s put her usual swagger on. 

“Aedion tried to keep everything as you left it and did as much as he could. He hated it. He kept saying that the place behind that desk was not his. We all missed you so much, but he is the one who missed you the most and not just because of the acting captain thing.”

“I missed you all as well.” At least she didn’t have to lie about that.

“How is it going with the captain? Is he still living at your place?”

Aelin nodded “yes, we are fine. We even stopped fighting. He is wonderful and he helped me a lot.”

Lysandra smiled “so you two are shacking up officially?”

“We haven’t discussed the matter, to be honest.”

“But you are happy with him.” Asked Lys tenderly, who was very happy to see her friend letting her fears aside.

“Yes.”

“Good.” Lysandra clapped her hands “don’t forget to invite me to the wedding.”

Aelin rolled her eyes “too early for that, don’t you think?”

Lys was about to reply but dispatch alarm went off calling for the ambulance “that’s my clue to go.”

The woman stood and disappeared through the door and Aelin sighed heavily then ran to the bathroom and was sick. She sat on the cold floor for a good ten minutes, her head against the stall’s wall. Then she heard voices, left the stall, washed her face and tried to act normal to avoid suspicion. 

“Hello, captain” Ansel’s cheery voice reached her.

“How are you doing?”

“Amazing. I am due to go and help Luca with training in a moment. The kiddo has his exam in two weeks.”

She felt a smile reach her lips “that is wonderful news.”

“The whole squad has been taking turns helping him with training. We are positive he will crush it. He got really good.”

“Good, just… look after him once out there.”

Ansel patted her shoulder “always. We always look after each other.” And the woman winked at her and walked away leaving Aelin alone once again.

Aelin splashed her face with cold water and walked back to her office determined to get some work done. 

She was in the middle of finishing some report when someone else knocked at the door and Dorian appeared “hi, you.”

Aedion had told her how broken he had been when they thought she was a goner. 

Her hands started trembling again but she hid them under the desk.

“Good morning, chief. I was not expecting you.”

“I just wanted to pop in and see how you were.”

“Your emails and reports are what’s gonna kill me.”

For a moment she noticed a flicker of pain flash in his eyes “just ignore them.”

Aelin shook her head “emails and reports are the reason I am at work today. That’s all I can do for the foreseeable future.”

“You know why.” He said softly.

“I know chief,” she said in a harsher tone than what she wanted “it doesn’t cancel the fact that at the moment I am useless as a firefighter and replying to emails and finalise million of reports is all I can do. Guess they don’t teach you that at the academy.”

He moved a step to her “Aelin, I know how you feel just now. I have been there myself and I hated every minute of it.”

Aelin sighed and calmed down. During his time as captain at west he got badly injured and after he got back to work he had been assigned on desk duty for three months. She was still a candidate at his station but remembered how miserable the man had been.

“How are you? Mentally. We do have support if you are struggling.”

Aelin run a hand through her hair. She knew. The counsellor had already been in touch with her. It was protocol for them to go through counselling and help in case of a traumatic incident.

“I am fine.”

“Aelin, you almost died.” He said through gritted teeth.

She stood “I know. I was there. The roof collapsed on me. I was the one who almost asphyxiated in that bloody inferno. I know.” She snarled at him.

“Have you spoken to the counsellor?”

“Not yet.”

Dorian sat down in front of her and Aelin was annoyed at the fact that he was going stay longer than she hoped.

“Aelin— ”

“Don’t” she stopped him “don’t use that patronising tone with me, chief. I know the rules. I will make an appointment with him.”

“So,” he continued, enjoying himself “how is it going with your captain?”

“Fine.” She replied, leaning back in her chair and twinning her hands under her chin.

He smirked “are you friends already?”

Aelin rolled her eyes “as if you don’t know that we are more than that.”

He raised his hands in a yielding gesture “just checking. You and Aedion did a good job with the airforce. I had Commodore Salvaterre singing the praises of the two of you.”

Aelin’s mouth fell open “Lorcan. That Lorcan actually praised us.”

Dorian nodded.

Aelin texted Rowan very quickly. His reply came back within seconds: are we talking about the same man?

She showed Dorian Rowan’s reply “see? Rowan can’t believe it either.”

“Well, he did.”

Aelin shrugged “fine, I’ll believe you.”

“Good,” he finally stood “I’ll leave you to your emails. Just please talk to the counsellor, okay?”

“Yes, chief.”

Dorian smiled at her and left and Aelin let out a very long breath. She was finally alone again and hoped no one would go in her office again. She loved them all, deeply and she missed them but she felt so out of sorts that even interacting with them was getting difficult.

The dispatch alarm went off again and this time it was for engine and truck. She stood and quickly went to where they were parked and from a corner looked at her team go away without her. Once they were gone she leaned against the wall and sobbed so hard that she ended up sitting on the floor for a moment. Then she stood and slowly walked away. She reached the room where they kept all their gear and walked in, finding it empty as the guys were on a call and her gear was the only one present.

With one hand she touched her new jacket. Her old one had been damaged in the fire. It smelled wrong. That was the first thing she noticed and it was pristine, with no marks, and she hated it. With her fingers she brushed the letters at the bottom saying captain Galathynius. She sat in a corner and hugged her legs to her chest and hid in the empty room for a while. Then all of a sudden she stood and ran back to her office, grabbed all of her belongings, switched off the computer and all the lights and ran back to her car.

Fifteen minutes later she was back home, very quickly she got to the closet she shared with Rowan, grabbed her blue duffel bag and started shoving clothes in it. Then grabbed a few other items from the room and ran outside back to her car.

A moment later she started driving north, not having an idea where she was going. She just aimed for the mountains. She needed to be away from everything. She had tried to be brave and go back to work, and ignored the truth in front of her. She was not ready. She had been stubborn and convinced herself and probably the doctors as well that she was, but the whole morning had been the proof that she had gone back too early. In reality she had been terrified since the moment she had left the house. The station had reminded her of what happened at the airport. Reminded that hers had almost been the next funeral. That the bell had almost rang for her.

Tears began flowing and eventually she had to pull over, the tears not allowing her to see the road properly. She was not okay and she felt lost. Her heart pounded in her chest and she felt like she was going insane.

Eventually, Aelin went back to driving and remembered that Lys had once mentioned holiday cottages in the mountains. She pulled over again and took out her phone to search for the place. Once she got it she set her sat nav and went back to driving. She arrived half an hour later and was impressed by the location of the place. It was in the heart of the Staghorns mountains and it felt like the most peaceful place on Earth. Once she was better she definitely had to take Rowan there.

She parked the car at the guest car park and got inside the reception, got herself a cottage for a week and drove to her allocated house. It was perfect.

She parked the car, grabbed her bag from the trunk and walked in.

The cottage was all in wood and was gorgeous. She noticed the fireplace and flinched at the massive fire hazard. Her bag landed on the floor and she then curled on the bed. The next thing she did was to switch off her phone.

*

Aedion and the squad got back to the station over an hour later and the first sign he had that something was wrong was that all the lights were off. Aelin was supposed to be there. He jumped off the truck, gave some orders to the two teams and walked to Aelin’s office. Once in he noticed it was empty “Aelin?” He called.

“Why all the light were off?” Asked Lysandra joining him. 

“Aelin is not here.” He replied quietly.

“I thought she was staying until five.” Added the woman. 

Aedion kept walking around the station as if in search of a clue of her whereabouts. He went to check the captain’s private quarters but they were empty.

“No sign of her anywhere,” said Lysandra joining him again.

Aedion took out his phone and tried to call her. He looked at Lysandra and shook his head.

“What if something happened?” Lys whispered. They were keeping the news to themselves for now. Let the other think she had gone home early.

“Ae, she was not okay. I spoke to her and she pretended to be fine but I saw the mask. She was just putting her usual bravado for us.”

Aedion sighed heavily “I know. She avoided talking to me and Dorian told me the same thing. She is not well and the fact that she is gone worries me immensely.”

“You are her cousin, dammit, you should have pushed her.” Lysandra said through gritted teeth.

“You know better than me that it doesn’t work with her.”

Lysandra groaned in frustration “call the captain. Call him and see if she is there.”

Aedion pulled his phone out of his pocket once again and called Rowan.

“Hello  Lieutenant.”

“Captain…” he took a deep breath “I was wondering if Aelin is there at the base with you.”

“No, why would she? She told me she was going to work.” Rowan’s panic rose a notch.

“She was here this morning, but when we came back from a call, she was gone. I thought she came to see you.”

“Are you telling me that you have no idea of where she is?”

“Yes, captain.”

Rowan swore “I will be there in fifteen.” And he hang up.

Aedion looked at Lysandra “he was not happy.”

“Fuck.”

Rowan marched into the fire station not long after. Aedion directed him to a quiet area of the station and Lysandra followed. 

“Where is she?” Asked Rowan as soon as they were away from everyone. 

“We don’t know. She is not here, but she was when we left.” 

Rowan started pacing back and forth nervously “was she okay while she was here?”

Aedion shook his head “She didn’t tell me but I know she was not well. I tried to talk but I had no luck.”

Rowan leaned against the table, hands on the wooden surface “She is not. She has been suffering from nightmares and panic attacks. She is not sleeping well either.” He explained “I suggested plenty of times to talk to someone, you guys have counsellors, right?”

Aedion nodded.

“I told her to delay her return to work by a week. She was giddy this morning, but I could feel there was something wrong, it bugged me the whole morning.” He ran a hand through his hair “I should have told her to stay at home. I just believed her.”

Aedion placed a hand on his shoulder “She does that. She did the same after Sam died. She put up a wall and pretended she was fine. Fooled us all until she just broke down completely.”

“Well, I would like to avoid for her to break down this time if possible.” Rowan growled back. All the signs were there and like an idiot he had believed her. He felt like the worst boyfriend in the universe.

“Any idea of where she could have gone? Any friends anywhere else?”

Aedion shook his head.

Rowan grabbed his phone and tried to call her and desperation hit him when it did not connect “Aelin it’s me. Pleas call me when you hear this. I beg you. Where are you? Everyone is worried. I love you.”

“I’ll go home and see if she is there or if there are any clues of where she could have gone.”

“We are still on shift until tomorrow morning, keep me updated, please.” Said Aedion with a broken voice.

“I will. And you will let me know if you have any luck or think of any places she might be?”

“We will,” said Lysandra, grabbing Aedion’s arm.

Rowan nodded and disappeared.

Twenty minutes later he was at their place, but the house was empty. He walked around the house but it looked exactly like they had left it in the morning.

“Where are you?” He whispered.

He opened their closet and in an instant he noticed something missing: her blue duffel bag.

“Shit.” Some of her clothes had gone as well.

He grabbed his phone.

“Captain?”

“I think she is gone.” Rowan’s voice was filled with deep panic.

“I thought we established that.”

“No, Aedion. She left. Her duffel bag is missing and some of her clothes are gone too. She must have come home and packed because they were here this morning.”

“What do we do?”

Rowan sat on the bed, his head in his hand, while with the other he held the phone “I have no idea.” He felt useless and in utter fear.

“I think it’s bad. She did not flee after she lost Sam. She was broken but never left. Whatever it is, we need to find her soon.”

“How?” Roared Rowan “How the fuck am I supposed to find her if we don’t have any idea?”

“I don’t think we can until she wants to be found.”

Rowan wanted to scream. 

He was going insane.

***

It was four days later and Aelin was sitting on the cold floor of the bathroom sobbing loudly. She just had four days from hell. The nightmares had been relentless and she was now so scared of falling asleep that she had stopped sleeping altogether. She had started surviving on coffee but that had the horrible side effect of increasing her panic attacks. 

Slowly she tried to stand, she washed her face and made her way back in bed. The last panic attack had left her a wreck and she felt like she was losing her mind. 

Her stomach growled but she could not eat. She had bought some meals to heat up in the microwave, but she was struggling to keep food down.

She ignored the pangs of hunger and curled under the blankets, shaking like a leaf.

She woke up an hour later with a terrible scream leaving her lungs. She sat in bed and patted her body, realising she was not on fire. That was the recurring nightmare. Her body on fire, the flames engulfing her as the ceiling collapsed on her over and over again and the horrifying smell of her skin burning. And then the feeling of suffocation. She would always wake up gasping for air.

Slowly she calmed herself down and her breathing went back to normal. She was drenched in sweat so she stood and went to the bathroom to take a shower. 

Once under the jets she let herself relax and think of happy memories. Of happier showers she had shared with Rowan. And then guilt hit her. She had left. She had just disappeared. No notes, nothing.

He must be going insane. It had been four days and she could picture him mad with grief.

She should have never left. She should have accepted his help. 

Gods, she missed him so much. The tears came back in force and leaned her head against the wall. She felt so, so lost.

Aelin sat down in the shower floor and pulled her legs to her chest and cried until she felt spent and exhausted and had no tears left to shed. Eventually she found the strength to leave the shower wear  clean clothes and sit back in bed. 

With trembling hands she grabbed her phone and switched it on. A barrage of notifications hit the device. She read all the texts from Rowan. There was no fury from him, just love and support and a plea to come back to him. Her chest felt tight in pain. She had let him down so much. How could she face him again? After all his support since she woke up in a hospital bed how could she flee from him instead of begging for his help? A help she clearly needed. She had lied to herself. She was fine, she had told herself over and over again. But she was not. Not even remotely close to it.

She listened to her voicemails from Rowan and Aedion and her cousin sounded far more furious than Rowan.

She started typing a message to Rowan but stopped and started a few times. What could she tell him? I am a mess, why bother with me? She shook her head and deleted the message again.

Then she had her answer.

I am sorry.

-----------

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[itsjustmyfantasyroom]

Unexpected

Warnings: Based on two episodes with my twist. Just case talks, the squad actually not being friendly, hurt reader and fluff

I wrote this SO long ago, second guessed putting it up, but its time it saw the light. 

WC: 2226 

Enjoy x

“I told you not to put her on the stand. All you guys do is treat me like I don’t know what I’ am doing. I handed you all a solid case that didn’t involve her and you have blown it”

“You’re out of line Detective” Rafael spat back to you.

“No, you’re out of line Counselor, you know it all”

“You need to calm down Y/N” Liv said firmly with a slightly raised voice.

“I’ve had enough of this crap I should have stayed in Brooklyn, at least they listened and wanted me there”

You stormed out of Rafael’s’ office slamming his glass door behind you making the whole wall shake.

“Is she always this emotional?” Rafael frowned at Liv

“Well, No. She is right Rafa, about everything” He rolled his eyes at Liv.

“Who’s the ADA here?”

“You, but she is right”

You had been at Manhattan SVU for 4 months after transferring from Brooklyn SVU. You and Sonny were old friends. You had finished the academy together, and then finally crossed paths again in Brooklyn. You actually wished you had stayed there. Back in Brooklyn you were one of them, you got along with the ADA, and everyone was close friends. Sonny had recommend you to Liv after you cracked a big string of rapes and she wanted to meet you. Liv offered you the position and you stupidly took it, thinking that you would have been welcomed with open arms, how wrong you were.

From the moment you walked in you felt like an outsider, even Sonny was different with you, even though he was your partner. He never backed you up on anything, you were always wrong. They treated you like you didn’t belong there and never took on board anything you had to say. Even if they asked you for after work drinks, you were left out and would leave early. It got to the point that you dreaded walking into the bullpen every morning. Rafael was the worst of all, he treated you like you were invisible, which you hated because you had feelings for him from the moment you laid eyes on him.  

A huge case had come in. A women had accused an Olympian, and once it was made public 2 other women came forward. You had a funny feeling about the 3rd women that came forward, all she had was the story, nothing else to back it up. The first two victims had doctor’s reports and had told someone as soon as it happened. You had worked hard on your own to make a new case file with just two victims who had all the evidence from their attack and gave it to Rafael one day when he was in the squad room before the trial started.  

“She is lying”

“You don’t know that” Sonny said back to you.

“Barba don’t put her on the stand, I have given you everything with just the other two victims, it's bullet proof.”

“Why Deactivate? Because you have a feeling?” he smirked at you “Three victims have come forward, three victims will be put on the stand”

“You’re making a big mistake”

“How about you let me do my job. We don’t go off feeling here, we go off evidence”

“Yeah and she has none” you snapped back.

Rafael ended up putting her on the stand and the defence ripped her to pieces. She confessed that she was paid by another Olympian to say she was attacked by the other just to get him out of the running for the Olympics, which ended in the case being a mistrial and he got away with the other two attacks.

Rafael had felt bad after Liv walked out of his office. He had put the case file you had made him in his draw the day you gave it to him, not even bothering to take on board what you said. Rafael pulled it out and had a look, you had been right. You had given him a bullet proof case which would have guaranteed the attacker would have been put away.

You were a good Detective and very beautiful, but you never looked happy, you were always stand offish and never got involved with them. Everything fell into place in his mind. Everyone did treat you like you didn’t know anything and they never included you. He thought back to how he treated you and regret filled him. From the first day he meet you and you smiled at him, his tummy filled with butterflies. But he didn’t want to get hurt, so he did what he did best and closed himself off to you, clearly doing a lot of damage.

You sat in Forlini’s on your 2nd double vodka soda. Everything was running through your head, you were so angry it was making you cry. After everything that had happen, you pulled your phone from your pocket and opened your emails and sent one to Liv asking for a personal week next week, and then emailed your old Lieutenant asking to have a meeting with him when he was free.

You couldn’t do it anymore. It was all too much. These last 4 months had been horrible. Your old Lieutenant didn’t want you to leave in the first place, but had told you there was a position for you whenever you wanted to come back. You hit send when you felt someone sit next to you. You looked over and it was Sonny.

“How much have you had to drink?”

“Why do you care?”

“Come on Y/N, why are you acting like this?”

“You’re really asking me that question?” You frowned at Sonny.

“What do you mean?”

“From the moment I walked in, all you guys have done is make me feel unwelcome. You’re my partner and you don’t even back me up. I hate it here, I wish I never made the transfer. We were friends before here, you’re so different. I don’t know you anymore”

“I didn’t mean-Why didn’t you talk to me about it?” Sonny had a sad look on his face.

“And what’s the point in that? You would just laugh it off and go back to ignoring me with the rest of them”

“I’ am sorry”

“Bit late for that. Just go”

Sonny looked at you, got down off his bar stool and walked away.

A couple hours later you were on your 5th drink, it was getting dark out. You could feel the alcohol making your head swim. But you felt numb which is what you wanted.

“How many of them have you had?”

“What’s it to you?” You didn’t even look up to see who it was.

“How many have you had Detective?” Rafael was standing next to you frowning when you finally looked up.

“Why does everyone seem to care all of a sudden?”

“Excuse me” Rafael sat down on the chair next you and ordered some water and fries.

“What do you want Counselor?”

“Look, I should have listened to you. You were-you were right”

You looked up at him through glassy eyes.

“Doesn’t matter now anyway, I’ll be out of your hair soon enough”

“What do you mean?”

“I’ am going to transfer back. Well hopefully I can. I mean I want to. I have a meeting next week. I hope the boss says yes” you skulled down the last of your drink.

“Why do you want to leave?” he all of a sudden filled with sadness.

“You’re as dumb as Sonny if you don’t know the answer to that question” He frowned to you “All you guys have done since I started here is leave me out and treat me like I don’t know my stuff. And you are worst of all, you treat me like I’ am invisible”

“No I d-”

“Yes you do. I can’t believe I ever had feelings for someone like you”

Rafael sat there and watched you, not sure if it was just the alcohol talking or if you really meant what you said. You felt uncomfortable him starring at you so you started to get down off the bar stool.

----

“Do you always let your girlfriend drink this much on a Friday night?” the Doctor gave Rafael a funny look.

“She’s not my girlfriend, she’s a co-worker”

“With the amount of alcohol in her system and the knock to the head. We will be keeping her in for tonight. She needs her concussion monitored. Maybe you should take better care of your co-worker while drinking.” The Doctor gave him a dirty look.

You woke up to a dark room and a crashing head ache. You let your eyes adjust and a figure caught your attention. You turned your head and Rafael was sitting there with a hospital blanket over him. You tried to adjust yourself, but you made so much noise, it woke him up.

“Sorry I woke you” you muttered.

“It’s ok” he rubbed his face “I’ am glad you’re awake” he gave you a soft smile.

“What happened?”

“You fell and hit your head on the bar. You have a concession”

“Explains the head ache” he laughed at you “Thanks for staying, but you can go now”

“No it’s ok, I’ am happy to stay”

You laid back down looking up at the ceiling.

“Did you mean what you said?” Rafael asked softly.

“Which part?” you sighed back.

“All of it”

“Yeah. I have next week off and I’ am going to talk to my old Lieutenant when he tells me what day I can” tears were filling your eyes.

“OK. But I’ am not just talking about that”

You took a deep breath and let out a small sigh.

“Why does it matter now anyway” You spat back at him sitting up in bed. Rafael walked over and sat on the edge grabbing your hand in his.

“Because I would like to know. Please”

You pulled your hand out of his,

“Of course I meant it. I just needed 5 drinks to finally say something. But like I said it doesn’t matter now”

“Can we ta-” Rafael started to say before you cut him off.

“No”

“Can I talk?” you finally looked into his eyes, they were such a beautiful shade of green and you slightly nodded.

“I’ am sorry. About the case, about making you feel the way you felt. I didn’t realise how I was treating you. I’ am sorry, please think about staying.”

“It’s a little too late for that.”  

****

 You were let out of Hospital the next day. Rafael ended up leaving early that morning, the DA called him in for a case. You got home and showered when there was a knock at your door. You were shocked when you opened it, seeing who was standing there, Liv, Sonny, Amanda and Fin, each holding a brown paper bag.

“What are you all doing here? Ah I mean come in” you stood aside and let them all in.

“Barba called Liv and told her what happened, so we decided to come over and I’ am going to cook” Sonny said back to you.

“And we want to apologise” Amanda grabbed your shoulder “For making you feel the way you do. We didn’t mean it, we were assholes and we don’t want you to leave”

“I know you have got in contact with your old Lieutenant, but please reconsider” Liv looked at you with a small smile.

Lunch was amazing and for the first time you felt like part of the squad. You just hoped that it would last. Everyone had left after helping to wash up, clean up, the left overs put in the fridge. You had just sat down on the couch when there was another knock on the door, you were even more shocked with who was standing there,

“I know everyone has left, but I brought dessert” Rafael had a big smile on his face “Can I come in?” you moved out of the way to let him make his way in, sitting the bag he was carrying on your kitchen bench “Sorry I wasn’t here with everyone else, the DA wanted me to go over a case, took longer than I expected. How are you feeling?”

“A bit better, thanks. Why did you call Liv?”

“I was worried about you. And, I guess, I hoped she would talk you out of leaving”

“Why?”

Rafael walked over to you, grabbing your hand to pull you around to look at him.

“Because, I like you”

“Is that how you treat people you like? Hate to see how you treat people you love”

“For that. I’ am sorry. I didn’t mean to. I was protecting myself”

You raised your eye brows at him. Before you had chance to say anything back, his lips came crashing on yours. Butterflies filled your tummy and you lent into him moving your head for him to deepen his kiss, Rafael resting his hands on your neck, you resting yours on his waist. After a moment you pulled away to catch your breath and looked into his eyes,

“That was unexpected” you smiled at him, Rafael smirking back at you.

“I really want to see where this goes, I promise I don’t love how I like”

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