#this could have been so much easier
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Month 9, day 7
I'M NOT EVEN DONE YET, BITCHEEEEEEESSSSSS
Gonna add grass and trees and I think a chair to the balcony before we're done :D
#the great artscapade of 2024#art#my art#blender#blender render#blender 3d#cycles render#I have a procedural brick texture I could have made/used#this could have been so much easier#why didn't I just do that#oh yeah because I'm following the tutorial that's why#ugh man I'm sleepy tired#I blame a certain squeaky kitty who woke me up at 4am#actually I blame his dad who SHUT THE CAT OUT OF HIS ROOM WHERE KITTY'S FOOD AND WATER IS#AND THEN PASSED OUT WITH THE DOOR STILL SHUT#kitty was SO HUNGY and VER THIRST and kept pestering me to fix it#but seeing as it was 4am I was (naturally) trying to sleep#so I kept ignoring him#because it was 4am#anyway we had a talk and my roommate told me if that happens again just open his door lol#and now kitty is being obnoxiously squeaky for an unrelated reason but I think it's bc it's way past my bedtime and that's Not Allowed™#so I GUESS I'll give in to the sleep tireds and go beddy bye#nighty night 💜
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DAREDEVIL: BORN AGAIN | 1.09
You couldn't call me?
#Daredevil Born Again#Karedevil#Karen Page#Matt Murdock#ddba spoilers#Daredeviledit#Daredevil Spoilers#Not Revolution#GIF set#Mine#Shippers gonna ship#I find it really hard to express why I like this so much and yet STILL want Kastle#It's something about how Matt relaxes around her#He's so guarded 99% of the time. And he pushed her away HARD many MANY times over the years for whatever BS reason he could think of#and they've finally gotten to a place (and it's a year later than would have been better for everyone) where this is permanent.#This is safe. This is home. They're stuck with each other.#And I love the contrast between Matt anxiously trying to convince Kristen and his gf that there's a threat and he has to go DO STUFF and#how different the reaction is when he says the same things (albeit with more detail) to Frank and Karen. It's night and day.#He's only a real person with people who know his secret identity.#There's something delicious about a phone call being where Matt's stuck. As if he doesn't have a history of dodging her calls. And I get#that he would have welcomed calls now - or in the last year - but there are so many scenes were poor karen is just getting shutdown by Matt#and Foggy. Calls unanswered or ended quickly. Because they have other stuff going on and lying to her is hard so it's easier not to pick up#And then you have Frank who is like... a fugitive? A hermit basically. Someone off the grid. Living in a basement. Who has an active cell#plan and has made sure Karen has his number in case she needs it. And he clearly answers when she rings. And there's no one else ringing.#So it's basically a phone - maybe specifically so Karen can reach out.#AND I LOVE THE FRAMING OF THIS SHOT. I love how close Matt and Karen are sitting. I love that Frank is pretending to ignore them.#Coz there's no way he's okay with how close they are. But he's not going to make it weird because he's a good friend to Karen.#Maybe I should blame Karen for me shipping every ship that involves Karen.
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9th annual nick valentines day (ft. soup again) + doodle i made last year that i forgot about, from when bethesda gave us that free update
#fallout 4#nick valentine#valentines day#fallout soup#art#doodles#fo4#fallout fanart#once again do not tag ship or soul survivor she is not the protag <3 thats just his dumass kid#i finished this just in time to get dragged into a 5 player game of Pressure with my brother and i have forgotten my tags. uh#i wanted to do something more interesting but it wasnt working out so all i have are a bunch of doodles djbhsdfjhb#lil more somber than silly. had to have at least one somber. its very hard to be sillie right now#i was very close to breaking my 9 year streak im not even gonna lie. but im making it to at least ten. I'm Gonna.#im always like. 'waa i dont wanna get invested in a fan comic longer than a few pages bc i could be making an original comic'#i need to embrace the ideas i have while i have them 😭 i should just be making shit. ofc writing is still hard but writing a few pages#is much easier than building an entire comic from scratch. so#anyway i say that cuz i wanna make a few FO4 comics i just always am occupied with other shit because adhd go brrt#hey chat do u think if i tell a doctor 'drinking gamersupps brings me the closest to normal ive ever been' it'll expedite the process#of figuring out what is wrong with me#mmmmmmmmm Mango Meta
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you ever think about how edwin got like. no warning, no time time to process, nothing, when he reappeared on earth faced with the fact that virtually everyone he knew in life is dead. his parents? probably died in the 1950s or so (at best) almost forty years prior to edwin’s return. if any of his classmates were still around, they’d have been elderly, possibly senile, and in a few years they’d all be gone– except, of course, edwin. nothing looks the same, cars look like spaceships, there actually are spaceships, he can no longer see the stars, and everyone he knew is dead.
#he may be dead too but he’s certainly not gone. he’s a lingering relic. something lost to time#that’s some existential dread on an incomprehensible level#like. he meets charles quite soon after returning from hell and it’s implied he’s pretty much just been haunting that schoolhouse in that#time right. so I seriously doubt he’d have visited– let alone even Found– his parents’ graves. I wonder if he ever did that with charles.#maybe charles providing him enough emotional support to feel like he could handle it.#I know that he wasn’t close to his parents in life– nor was he close with anyone that we know of– and yeah I think that’d definitely make#things a bit easier in certain ways; he never felt like he belonged in his time/place in life or amongst his family or peers#so being displaced from all that wouldn’t feel like losing very much#in a way#but… I mean still#and he inevitably would have those lingering thoughts of what could’ve been–#yes he could’ve died in the war and his life likely wouldn’t be very fulfilling considering he’d probably be forced into a marriage he#wouldn’t want or if he was found out he could’ve been imprisoned and ostracized and disowned. plenty of ways his life could’ve been awful if#but also what if his parents loosened up a little as the times did? as in- what if he actually got to know them? what if they tried to#have a relationship with him of some sort eventually? it’s not impossible#it’d have to eat at him. that and wondering if either of them felt guilty#or felt a loss. or anything#hoo boy. fun stuff#edwin#edwin payne#rambling#dead boy detectives
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People that make me happy ᵔᵜᵔ
Also, happy 3 month anniversary of What it takes!

There are so many people around And I find myself wanting to share my glee
So I want to give a thank you to all who make me happy And I also want to wish whoever is reading this a lovely day For I'm sure there is always someone who finds glee in your existence
For me, these are the lovely ones that gives me a smile whenever I see them about. Just knowing they are there is enough ᵔᵜᵔ

@waitineedaname
For being a wonderful person One I'm always happy to see doing well We may not talk as much, because I'm so slow But you still make me happy, wherever you go
So I want to wish you the best in this new year! [And thank you for being the beta reader for the HLVRAI fic I've yet to post] [If I ever will, really should though...] [Man, it's so old now]⠀

@cubbiverse
Thank you for being the reason I started What it takes! Without you, it wouldn't exist
Talking to you is always a blast You're always so fun! Your ideas are such a driving force for me
Really bringing me glee whenever I see you You're lovely, you're great I hope the year to come will treat you well! I wish you a happy new year!
Also! Can't forget! Your art is always so nice to see It's always so bubbly, bouncy, pretty and soft! Such lovely fun you bring With every single thing!
Oh, I really do like all the things that you do! You make me so happy too!!!

@shrimpyjackal
Art so pretty, always so kind So very sweet, with a lovely mind
Your colours, they pop! So pretty to the eye Like the setting sun An array of colours in the sky
Like a cold dessert After a desert walk Your art really does have a special spark! Like fireworks that boom, with colours and light! I hope that the year to come, will be lovely and bright!
I wish, it will be lovely and bright! And who knows, maybe wishes do come true?

@astrolotte
Things come Things go
But you are one I'm happy to know!
You're always so positive, so very sweet Just so lovely and unique!
It delights me when you read But I wish you well all the same
For I hope this year brings you joy As we play along with it's game Even as rules change
For change can be good Though, wouldn't want it to leave you on the run
And some things are sweet Though, being trapped is no fun
And have to also tell that your art is like a present on Christmas day Truly something to look forward to in every way!

@arandom-dog [AO3]
My beta reader My wonderful beta reader
AHHHHHHH!!! YOU'RE GREAT!
I'm so happy I have you! You're so helpful and kind! I always like to talk and hear what's on your mind!
AHHHHHH!!!! I still can't stop looking that the comic you made! Along with all the other lovely things you've made Gosh, Bunny is so CUTE! AHHHH!!! It's so pretty! So cool!
I'm so happy you made it And I'm so glad you had fun when you did!
Gosh, What it takes really has taken hold of my life

@unconsciousnonhuman
Thank you for creating the lovely [angst server]! It would be a delight if there was more time to spend
For hearing what's on your mind Is always a highlight before reaching the days end!
So morbid and fun! Oh! You are such a lovely one!
I'm happy you exist! So happy you are here! Really bringing joy by simply being you Do hope I can give you joy too!
Honestly, I think my new years resolution will be to read all of Para. Peri and leave my comment at every chapter.
I will get it done. I hope

@poggieking03
My delightful little fan I'm so happy I have you Really bringing me glee, and questions too!
It's always so fun to see your reactions To hear what you think heh Especially when the characters are on their brink!
I do hope that life is treating you well and that you are feeling swell!
For deserve kindness for all the things you've given me You make me so happy and fill me with glee!

@nightjasmine10
I really do delight in all you send my way Every comment, whatever it may, really does bring a smile to my day!
Honestly, it's so nice that you like talking to me, and it's nice talking to you in turn. You're always so sweet and willing to engage!
You seem so passionate about writing It's so cool! It's always nice to see you around!
Thank you for being as lovely as you are!

@freesso
Pretty, soft and expressive art So very cute So very sweet So very lovely and unique
A lovely person So nice and kind With art that always bring a smile to mind
Hope your days are joyous and sweet For you’re a lovely person One I'm happy I got to meet!

@midnightdemonz
Yay! Our fairy meat fanatic and one with a powerful Peri AU!
You're such a fun one and always a delight to talk too
Really should work more on fairy meat, we got so much to work with, still... what it takes is also important. Though, sparing some time for some meat shouldn't hurt, right?
As for the wonder you are? You're bright and fun, like a lucky star! Always so fun to talk to you
Hope your days are as great as you are! For you are indeed great!
@nova-in-space
Honestly, I may not be a part of it But seeing all the Peri's interacting is so fun!
From what I've read of Ghost Town so far It's very interesting! Desolate, dreary, eery What could have caused such disarray? Oh, is there anyone that would dare to say?
Also, I still remember the drawing you made based on What it takes I will forever cherish such lovely things Every spec of gold is still gold And it really does delight me that you took the mind and time to do it
It really made me happy, and remembering it really does bring a smile
Thank you so much!
You're a fun delightful person And I do delight in the ideas you present in your work
Like miasma filling their lungs Poisoning their bodies Breaking their minds And all which connects
It's interesting It's fun
@vhs-consumer
It's weird, I don't talk to you But you do seem like a person I'd like You seem like a really fun and cool person
hehehe You even know about 'fairy meat' Which is fun ᵔᵜᵔ⠀⠀
So, I do hope that the year to come will be a fun one With lovely food and fun people!
Also, have to compliment your art Because it's really nice It's like ice preserving the beauty of the world It's like a an array of needles you can softly pet It's like a shiver of cold as you sit so warm with a cup of hot chocolate
It's sharp and nice Both cool and warm And really something one likes to look upon
@elsa-fogen
Thank you for also being a lovely morbid delight!
It's fun talking to you from time to time and I do hope that this year will be a lovely one for you!
I do delight in all the AUs you do have And it's so fun to see your version of Icy She's so cool! hehehe Cool and cold Pun for fun
I like a sweet one who sees no wrong in the horrors It's simply how things are How they should be
Why would you want to leave? We're just getting to the fun part!
Also have to tell, I do like your art as well! It's so fun, the way you create, It's as if all fit together as pieces to a puzzle Every little line has a place to be
Everyone seems so full of life It's just connected so nicely And you're really funny too Your jokes are great!
@illustrationismyhaven ( @doodle17 )
You're a fun one, and happy late birthday!
I think you're the reason I decided to play Psychonauts Which is something I am so very happy and thankful for, it and it's sequel are such great games! I'm so happy I got to experience them, thank you!
In addition, I really like your lobotomy family au It's such a cute little idea!
Well, you seem to have many fun ideas So I guess that's kinda a given
Apart from such, you're a delight too see Your art is always so striking and lovely! So fluid, like a stream of water in winter Like green leafs in the summer rain So pretty, colourful and bright
You really do give off a lovely light!
@todaytomorrowgiraff
I doubt you know of my existence, but I do want to tell I appreciate you!
It delights me to see a little HLVRAI on my dash Gives it all a little extra pizzazz!
I remember finding you thanks to your wonderful fic, Becoming Human. It's been a moment since I've read it last, but I do recall delighting in it so. In a way, I guess it's inspiration, it's such a lovely one and you seem like such a wonderful person!
@bunnieswithknives
Gosh do I like the things that you do So of course you make me happy too!
Your art is so modular Like pipes connected so cleanly together Like ball-jointed dolls that you simply move
It's so very cool! And it all creates such a funky grove!
In addition, your ideas, the thoughts in your mind How you play with ideas You're funny and smart
What you make is truly a work of art!
That is to say, I like what you create! Always so fun to see what you'll present next!
Also, sorry for the time that I messed with your head Hope you're doing better, and you're happy instead!⠀
@kisskisstine
Like a story book with tales to be told Your art is so lovely to behold
A blooming star, so pretty and bright Yet so lonely when she shines her light
And he who thought himself bright and strong Is bound to have a stark realization when he finds, he is wrong
Your art is soft and kind Very fitting for you
For you seem like a lovely person too! Wishing you the best in all that you do!
Bright soft skies Sun so high Hope the smiles that you give Are given in turn For you deserve bright joys! Is one thing I've learned
Giving kindness to the kind Giving joy to the joyous Giving, sharing and wishing the best
So many sweet things You deserve them too!
@wreckrinho
You art is like cookies So scrumptious and good!
Like rivers Like streams Like something forgotten in dreams
So cool and fun So very you
And it makes me happy to see When you enjoy what you do!
Hope you're well And life is treating you with kindness
Horror may come to those in the stories one tell But that doesn't mean it should come to you as well
You're a fun delight Sweet little starlight Deserving fun
Enjoy the things you do I enjoy them too
Share what you like That's when you shine the most bright!
@artificial-angels
Your art, so pretty Like clouds on a soft summer day Like flowers that bloom Like sweet cotton candy dreams
Pastel paradise parade So soft and sweet It really is a delightful treat
@nilsford-prattle
Long forgotten In sand we lay But still we always hope that you are doing okay
Bright and fun Sweet and kind Hope you have peace of mind
Hope there is joy in the things that you do And that you always have a reason to be happy too
@purplecatghostposts
Hope there is joy to your days Your interests are ones we enjoy to see
Your writing a lovely delight Your shimmer a happy joy
So many things anew Yet though old they may seem For you bring it to life Like it's been awoken from a dream
Thank you for being you And doing what you do
Thank you all so much for bringing joy to my day! I hope I'm able to bring some joy to yours as well!
And maybe I'm alone in being me But I do think it nice to tell about those that are kind
In a world so cruel I want to prove there can be kindness as well
I find it pretty funny that it took so long to post this In part because I kept remembering so many fun people⠀
Huh... maybe my friend is right? I am pretty much always happy⠀
Maybe you all have something to do with that?
#Started this around new years‚ thinking#“Yeah‚ can totally get this done for the first!”#I could not.#WHY ARE YOU ALL SO AMAZING!!#It all would have been so much easier if you weren’t#But I guess it's a lovely thing that you are#Each and every one#Another star to my pretty sky#I really do like the night#(Do hope I didn't forget anyone)#(You know‚ there are just so many good people out there)#(Or maybe I'm just lucky?)
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This might be an odd detail to fixate on but one of my favourite Jayce features are his eyelids, and I feel like they aren't super talked about? When I first started drawing him his eyes were the hardest part to get down (second being his jaw due to how square it is) and I can't tell you how long I spent looking at them as references or studies, eventually there became something so endearing about them.
I love how they always have an element of softness regardless of how beaten down he is. I think it's the way the lid fold tilts slightly downwards to cover his upper eyelid slightly which gives the illusion it's ever so slightly curved or drooped at times. You also can see the shadow where it begins to tilt up again to the corner of his eyebrows, especially in contrast to his previously mentioned upper eyelid which is much more creased with causes a more noticeable contrast. Softer curves around the eye tend to be percieved as more gentle looking as opposed to harsher curves which come across as more intense.
I'm not always too great nor confident with verbal descriptions but if I pull out my cobbled together "eye board for when I'm too lazy to look up a reference" page I put together I (hopefully) might be able to verbalize it better:
^(Latest edition. Now with photos from s2)




These are probably my favourite examples that highlight it. The gentle curve it causes creates a much softer look that absolutely contributes to how doe-like his eyes are. In addition, the permanent crease it causes at the side of his eyes give them an overall more gentle appearance (as upwards titled creases tend to do - often reminiscent of eye crinkles which are associated with people that smile often). Not to mention the extra creases add further visual interest on a purely interesting character design level.
The eye crease in itself, along with his permanent eye bags are other features I unreasonably adore - but I think I might make a seperate post about them. This might be a bit of a curious thing to be thinking about but just I love how much more life it gives him and how kind it makes them look, I always catch myself looking at them :)
Tldr: I love how gentle his eyes are and I need to stare at them for hours memorising every detail and squeeze his head like a watermelon between thighs

#sometimes I worry I come across as patronising at times whenever I pull out images to explain what I mean#I just struggle with words sometimes and find being able to show visual images much easier#Yay for anxiety and the need to repeat the same cycle of words (we're working on improving)#also good old audhd#I think I've spend more time studying this man's eyes than my own at this point#i could genuinely talk about them for hours if anyone wanted to#literally someone ask and I am so happy to go on a tangent#jayce talis#many thoughts head stuffed#The reason why the photo of him at the bottom right is significantly larger than the rest of them is because its one of my favourite photos#Of him and I will forever smile at it and how gentle he looks#the way he comes across so gentle inspite of his size anf'#Build is always eneadring and it for sure shouldn't be underestimated how much eyes play a role#i know I go on and on about little details but it's always so remarkable how much they can add or remove from appearances#Its so fascinating I love picking them out#this may have been a but nonsensical idk but I needed to talk about it to someone somewhete#So here we are ig lol#i tried to keep this as short as possible but#I would love love love to do or talk about a proper analysis one day#It might take a while though because there's so much to say#jayce arcane
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hated sons of brutal families
#warhammer rogue trader#rogue trader#marazhai aezyrraesh#heinrix van calox#aka ive been thinking about how they kill eachother in that fight a lot#not exactly sure on marazhai's death but heinrix boiling his blood vs marazhai decapitating him. chefs kiss#i know in my heart they relate to eachother enough they could heal IF they got over themselves first#and they would genuinely both rather kill themselves than do that for any reason (✿◡‿◡)#and it makes them hate eachother even more for recognising so much of themselves in another person and having never had that#except its THAT guy of all fucking people#they are making eachother worse and its not even intentional#anyway i got marazhais shoulder pads the wrong way around ignore that#heinrix as always i hate your face ❤️ be easier to draw bastard
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The thing driving me so insane about Loid and Yor communicating so openly is that this is how a couple in an actual relationship would address the problems they're having
She's asking him to rely on her, saying that he doesn't need to put up appearances all the time, that she knows he's capable but she's here to help and wants to, that he doesn't need to be perfect.
They're in a fake marriage. Loid has repeatedly told her she doesn't have to do anything but be around for specific events, but Yor still genuinely took up the role of Anya's mom and has been actively working to be a good mother to her fake husband's daughter this entire time, and now she's gently pushing back on Loid about not helping him either.
They aren't in love yet, or at least aren't aware of any developing feelings, but Yor is still reaching out to Loid in a way that someone in a real committed relationship would to their partner. She doesn't need to!! She's completely in her right to not help him, to not care!! He has given her the explicit permission of it multiple times!! But she cares about him, Anya, and Bond, this little family they've created. She wants him to lean on her like she does on him
#spy x family#sxf manga spoilers#twiyor#loidyor#whether you ship loidyor romantically or as qpps the writing of their relationship has been the best fake marriage i've ever seen hands down#she! cares! for! him! & want to help! & he's even realizing that he wishes he could lean on her more but cant! AHHH#but legit this was such healthy communication in this chapter that its like do either of you remember this is fake? that youre basically#roommates co-parenting a child who pretend to be married for your own respective safety? yor is an assassin. having a distant relationship#to her fake husband would only make that all easier for her but SHE DOESNT WANT THAT SHE WANTS TO BE CLOSER TO HIM!! BC SHE CARES ABOUT HIM#& APPRECIATES ALL HE DOES FOR HER!!! AND HES FINALLY REALIZING HOW MUCH HER HAPPINESS MEANS TO HIM TOO!! AHHHH#i'm being so normal about this#tc posts
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far and away my favourite thing about tsc was the direct parallels we got between neil and jean now that we've been allowed inside jean's head as well.
we have neil who's almost frighteningly self-sufficient; getting to grips with his surroundings when he moves to psu as soon as possible by going for long solo runs, not waiting for his teammates after he's done at the stadium, going shopping on his own for stuff on foot and only buying what he can carry back by himself, hitchhiking back from columbia -- the fact that he could have asked coach or any of his upperclassmen to come and get him not even occuring to him. but through forced proximity, he gets to know them more, and he gets to like them, and they become the people that he would do anything for, that he fought so hard to stay with.
on the other hand we have jean, whose time in the nest has had the adverse effect; he's never alone, he's hardly ever off-campus, and he's never had the kind of freedoms that you'd usually be afforded at college. the idea of living off-campus is horrifying to him, the idea of having his own room is unheard of to him -- and unsettling enough for him to want jeremy to move in there with him. jeremy shows him the way to the court but he's too disoriented to follow along properly because he's not used to being out in a city like this. for years he hasn't been allowed a life outside of exy and the nest, so he doesn't know how to be out in the world. he has no idea how to navigate it. he sees exy as his only purpose, so anything that doesn't seem to serve this goal is meaningless and egregious to him.
...but then there's jeremy, and cat, and laila.
idk, just, something something neil didn't realise how lonely he was until he met the foxes, and jean was painfully aware of how lonely he was despite being stuck with the ravens all of the time, and is now getting the chance to learn that it doesn't have to be like that with the trojans.
#i feel like neil looks at jean and can't help but see what he could have been#& jean looks at neil and can't believe he didn't have the good grace to stay hidden because wouldn't it have been so much easier if he did#and also they both pity each other but in opposite ways#neil's so determined to hold on to people because it gives him a vested interest in staying in line and he thinks jean deserves people too#whereas jean just thinks neil's making everyone he cares about a target and so isn't it better to not have any of that#because then you don't even know what you're missing out on?#UGH#the sunshine court#jean moreau#neil josten#tsc#tfc#emma reads tsc
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Kingdom Hearts 2 - Radiant Garden
#kingdom hearts 2#kh2#radiant garden#hollow bastion#scenery#my gif#this world is so big i did my best include as many rooms as i could#at least the most recognizable ones#i would love to be able to roam freely with the camera in this world it would have been so much easier to get better angles#it's so interesting how starkly different this world looks compared to radiant garden in birth by sleep
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this is your reminder to make ur cringy n self indulgent art bc cringe is dead and you gotta live life (I say, despite the fact i still feel a bit cringe but im being so brave abt it)
lettin myself post n do more art for myself so apologies for the more selfshippy art than usual
#artswin#tsp narrator#tspud narrator#selfship#oz rambles#in the tags oz rambles go brrrrr#been hyperfocused on the numbers for a while recently which is why ive been pretty low if uve seen sdkhf#but im starting to feel better so in an effort to let myself feel better im doin more self indulgent art#with these types of things i usually make myself as a generic gray human instead of my sona (or recently my sona fusion)#(the sona fusion has my white swoop but black irl hair)#but making this made me remember how much i love drawing myself with narry n i dont wanna get rid of that#i only made the generic gray human art just bc i wanted other ppl to insert themselves which i still wanna do#but at the same time *I GOTTA LET MYSELF BE CRINGE MAN THIS IS MY OLD GEEZER I CAN BE CRINGE FOR HIM*#anywho if yall havent seen my updated intros recently. i selfship with the narrator (specifically virgil) in a bff/qpr way#so it might look hella romantic and couply occasionally were just a couple of besties /pos#gonna tag it with a selfship name tho just so i can access my posts on it easier#n so if yall wanna block me n my cringe for any reason then feel free! /gen /nf#naroz#digitalmuse#(or smth idk ive seen ppl have pretty cool selfship names so i wanna try smth similar but who knows it could change) :P
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i was just gonna leave this as a comment, but my response started spiraling sooooo. guess i'm makin' this a full on post lol =3=" uhh anyways, responding to @skyborneveggie's tags on this post:
#really good analysis #always here for high-functioning depression light takes #i want to add; while Light is better at reading & manipulating people in the moment he also tends to overlook some things in the long run #because of his superiority complex #like his father volunteering for the eyes in matsuda's place #and matsuda in the ending. As much as i like to think of matsuda as wholesome- #-i do think if light played his cards right he could have manipulated him over to kira's side #but he didn't because he didn't think matsuda was important in the grand scheme of things
very good points!! about matsuda in particular— it’s interesting in retrospect how consistently he’s set up as a side character, particularly with how he is almost always immediately pushed off to the side despite that. like, alongside soichiro, he’s really the first member of the JTF we see pre-lind l. tailor (in the anime, anyway. in the manga it’s a bit more ambiguous, though matsuda definitely shows up to mention KIRA bringing the crime rate down in ch.3, still quite early).

he’s always the one counterpoint within the group, playing devil's advocate in a way with how he brings up the pro-KIRA side of things, yet as you say light underestimates him So consistently that he even ends up evolving into a full on joke/shakespearean fool character by yotsuba, which is really what makes his actions in the end so incredibly significant.
i distinctly remember reading that section where aizawa & mogi are getting more deeply involved with near and, in the case of aizawa in particular, are starting to genuinely consider the possibility that light might be KIRA, and just getting sooooooo so SO goddamn suspicious of what matsuda was doing. this was in part because i already had some spoilers about the ending, specifically about matsuda shooting him, but goddamn do his actions start looking suspicious when you begin taking him seriously as a threat. like, while aizawa is starting to live through his own psychological horror novel come to life, realizing that the innocent kid & strong leader he's been taking care of & following all this time might actually have been the fucking serial murderer they've been after for literal Years, here's what matsuda is up to in the background:




(light's face here. fuckin freak LMFAO)

(this one is particularly notable to me as it shows that even aizawa underestimates him— it's not just light, it's the whole damn team. even ryuk joined in earlier.)

(and of course, my absolute favorite example. the contrast between their expressions alone here is absolutely golden all on its own, but matsuda's heartfelt "don't worry, light!! i'll never betray you!!!" in comparison to THIS only makes it all the more juicy:

like, light doesn't even bother responding to him until he's got a goddamn bullet in his hand. he just sits there confident in the expectation that matsuda will lick his soles like a dog. jesus fucking christ.)
anyways, as i was saying: he's mostly just doing a bunch of dumb shit, making silly jokes in the background, fucking around with ryuk and being written off as an idiot by most characters, especially light but again also aizawa and ryuk. AND YET. he is Always hanging around over light's shoulder, lurking somewhere behind him in almost ever panel he shows up in, perfectly innocent to the point where it's can almost be more off-putting than if he were outwardly, actively questionable. like, this panel in particular, and i mean goddamn, just look at it again:

it hits So Hard in retrospect, not just because matusda is the one to shoot light in the end, possibly being his cause of death had ryuk not stepped in when he did, but also because it's true. as incredibly fucking suspicious as this panel may seem if you are armed with the knowledge that matsuda does, eventually, end up being the one to shoot light, it's equally easy to write it off as normal dumbass matsuda behavior because that is Exactly What It Is. and you would be right!! matsuda is trusting of light to a fault— when he eventually breaks, it is Not due to his own betrayal. it's the evidence of light's. and not just of his manipulation of the task force, for years and years and years on end— it's soichiro's death specifically that finally makes matsuda lose his faith in him.
the idea that light could've manipulated matsuda over to KIRA's side had he just tried a little harder is fascinating, but i think i can also understand why he didn't exert any more effort— it was kinda unnecessary. for basically the entire story, from the moment matsuda is formally introduced, to the minute light breaks and admits he's actually KIRA, matsuda is one particularly dedicated conversation away from being a full-on KIRA supporter— or so light believes, anyway. and he's probably not that far off.
really, i'm of the opinion that it's matsuda's existence as this KIRA-sympathetic figure in the task force in the first place that causes light to believe so strongly that he could eventually convert the entire JTF over to the side of KIRA— possibly even saving all of them their lives in the process. like, as i've said before, for all that light monologues about how he's Definitely Going To Kill The Task Force, Don't Worry, I Can And Will Do It When I Have To, he. never actually does it. instead, light goes through all the trouble of keeping the JTF strung along behind him for more than half a decade following L's death, holding on to all of these strings of his former life even when they are almost undoubtedly more of a pain than they're worth. unable to kill his father, unable to kill misa, unable to kill matsuda— even when he directly tries to.
i forget which post this was on, but i believe someone pointed out before that potentially a major part of light's grief following soichiro's death comes from the fact that he springs a shock on him at the last minute before passing: soichiro never stopped suspecting his son. when he sees light's lifespan above his head his first thought is to be relieved, because the question he's held at the back of his mind for Years has finally been undoubtedly assuaged. light is desperate to believe up until the end that he can make the world truly and genuinely pro-KIRA; his final actions in the moments of clarity before he starts begging at ryuk's feet for his life involve an enthusiastic speech as he makes one final bid at converting the JTF and SPK to join him and believe in his vision of Justice.
and yet. he never quite gets mastuda.
never bothered? or never could? perhaps a bit of both, but it's a fascinating character progression nonetheless, and easily one of the most interesting arcs in the series. poor, poor mastuda, indeed.
sidenote: this is a somewhat half baked thought, but i can't help but make a somewhat minor connection between light's treatment of matsuda and his treatment of misa, as well as his relationship with takada. like, let's think through the list of his main (human) supporters throughout the series, the ones who end up taking on the title of KIRA themselves: in the first half, misa, in the second, takada & mikami. if we add matsuda to this list, we get two mirroring pairs: misa & matsuda for the front half of the series, takada & mikami for the latter.
light's treatment of each of these pairs is quite different, despite the fact that they all essentially fulfill the same purpose to him: misa & mikami act as KIRA's eyes, killing those light is unable/unwilling to himself, while takada & matsuda fill the role of KIRA's spokesperson, albeit to very different audiences. thus each half of each pair executes a different side of KIRA's ideology: misa & mikami the practical side, becoming killers themselves, and takada & matsuda the persuasive side, pointing out the positive influences KIRA's actions have had on the population to The People and the rest of the task force respectively.
it's not quite as simple as i've laid out here, of course— tadaka eventually ends up killing before she dies at light's hand herself, misa lives as light's partner until she loses her memories and never quite recovers, mikami becomes quite static, just playing at a killer for Appearances, until his actions eventually end up accidentally betraying light and leading to his downfall. yet it still seems notable to me that despite light treating takada & mikami noticeably better for the majority of the time that he's working with them, those two are the ones who eventually end up dead, betrayed and betrayer respectively. yet, in the case of misa & matsuda... for all that light degrades them and treats them like shit, those two are the ones that get to live on past him while remaining stubbornly loyal until the end, until light's own actions twist back and smack him in the head.
i think perhaps part of the reason why light never ends up converting matsuda is not just his own ego blowing Shit outta proportion and assuming that matsuda will either very easily convert/is too much of a dumb liability to even bother with, but also light's own discomfort with having followers at all. like, it really takes him that full time skip to get fully on board with the idea that people will Submit to KIRA, despite the fact that he logically must know how necessary that is. light wants the recognition and love and commitment of other people, but he doesn't necessarily want the responsibility of their own stupid actions— a sentiment perhaps reflected in how easily he kills criminals, seeing their "evil" as something to be Purged, an annoyance just as much as a liability for the happiness of the Good, Pure People of the world.
as i've outlined before, misa is the main person who's enthusiastic submission consistently gets on light's nerves and icks him the fuck out, but i can't help but wonder if this same reaction applies at least in part to his distaste of matsuda. it's easier to get away from matsuda at least, considering he doesn't have to play the Good, Heterosexual Boyfriend around him, but that doesn't mean it isn't still somewhat present either. this also gets interesting if you start considering lawlight dynamics during yotsuba as well, and L's similar (if somewhat more overt, even) dislike of matsuda during that era BUT. that'll perhaps have to wait until another essay lolol =3=
#death note#astronaut rambles#touta matsuda#finally got to write me a matsuda post!! hell yeah!!!#been wanting to do this for a while lol but never quite found an approach that stuck w/ me#thx again for the tags on the original post hehe :P#death note meta#anyways. didn't mean for this to evolve into a light bottom advocacy post but what did we expect really#how anyone could see that man as a Dom Top is beyond me frankly#he is so overtly Disgusted for so much of the series when people submit to him#i can't help but wonder if part of the reason why he's so chill with mikami is the fact that he never has to fucking#interact with him irl like he does misa LMFAO#even in the case of takada it's such a clear Performance maybe it's easier to pull it off#especially by that age... withered as he is LMFAO#also takada having her own repressed (oddly compatible?) parallels to light blah blah see @kiyomitakada's posts for more on that#coughs. anyways what where was i why does the clock say two hours have passed what the hell#where am i#light yagami#<- there's enough of him here to warrant that ok shush#alright enough blurry-eyed rereading it's Poast time#edit: oops added one sentence for clarity
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Thinking about step 9 and the whole concept of forgiveness of one’s self and others and it bringing healing and how bobby and Eddie have been paralleled a fair amount and the idea that Eddie started this process back at the end of s5 with his forgiveness and acceptance of his father but how he hasn’t yet gone anywhere near his mother and their relationship .
How his catholic guilt storyline seems more likely to play on his reltionship with his mother than his father (if his father wasn’t around that much it would’ve been Helena taking him to church etc each week) so the idea of an Eddie - Helena storyline that plays on catholic guilt and potentially his queerness in relation to that has me chewing on glass - it could be so epically good
#I’ve always viewed Helena as the biggest issue in Eddie’s relationship with his parents - Ramon has always - to me a least always seemed to#just go along with what Helena wants or dictates#it made sense with how his trauma ptsd army related arc played out that it was Ramon who was the centre of that#now though - catholic guilt - possibly playing into his queerness and suppression of that queerness#to keep some kind of reltionship with his mother - who only seems to view him through a lens of failure#leading him down a road where he wasn’t able to be his true self - it would be so powerful#there is so much potential there#eddie saying his mother wasn’t an issue in s6 - was such a choice and so pointed that they have to be wanting to explore that#so many aspects of who Eddie is and why he is the way he is - his want to nest but not being able to with women - stems from his mommy#issues and the fact he’s been denying they exist#I will eat it up - it would be the right kind of angst for the show and Ryan would deliver#plus the way it parallels with Bobby and his relationship with Catholicism would be fascinating#not to mention the whole Eddie not having a relationship with the faith he was brought up in only to start dating someone who is a literal#embodiment of that faith - and female - as a symbol of his needing to explore and reconcile the actual reasons for his faith lapsing- become#could not be queer and Latino and catholic when Eddie was growing up - it wasn’t an option - so if you step away from the faith that’s#denying a fundamental aspect of who you are#even if you still can’t act upon it - it is easier to keep that part of you concealed#911 spoilers#911 Thinky thoughts#eddie diaz#I need this arc to be a thing so badly#911 abc
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btw, these are pretty messy, but they get the job done if you need a stock for Qiu and Baxter's sweaters 😂 I know my ass was getting pretty sick and tired of doing that shit from scratch every picture 🤣
#qiu lin#olnf qiu#baxter ward#ol baxter#our life#our life now and forever#stock#I know it's pretty late in the prompt week already#sorry#tbh I didn't make them until the other day#like an idiot#my life could have been SO MUCH EASIER#BUT I AM A FOOL#anyways#enjoy lmfaooo
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It's missing my father hours rn so imma just dump a bunch of pictures here and cry
( sorry i don't know the source of anything I just had them on my phone)
(also dont read the tags i just need to let it out lol)
#I just realized I can call him dad easier than my real dad and now I understand why am I so damn attached to him#I always knew he was a parental figure for me#but now I connected the dots#How when u have an absent dad and a d34d mom a guy shows up in ur life#that tells u life advice that both of ur parents failed to do so#and makes u feel safe the first time in ur life#ofc ud become attached#i know for sure its unhealthy how much i love and miss him#he occupies most of my thoughts honestly#But how could i not cling to him so much when he was the only one who gave me hope in life#i try to keep going and even tho he is not here i keep telling myself whatever he taught me. i keep reminding myself he wants us to live an#bloom and be free#and that's what ill try to do#but you know somedays i wish i could just disappear and be wrapped in eternal happiness#its so fucking hard to pull yourself out of the slump man im so fucking tired im so so tired#somedays i wish id have the courage to off myself but i know that deep down i want to live and ive always wanted to live but i have no idea#how to live. i feel like i finally found a purpose and someone i love. but at the same time im always doubting myself and im scared of losi#g this little hope again and i know i should cherish and use it instead but each day i have this anxiety because rn i have nothing else if#lose this i seriously will lose everything atp. but ill still try bc rn its this or death so i should try im just damn tired yes anyways#sorry for being depressing some days just dont work out but thats okay#yes at the same time i want to get out of my head and try to find some friends but i cant deny that im highkey fucked up and i just cant le#go of my past and i still feel like that helpless unloved kid and idk how to form relationships this way. i dont trust myself at all so idk#how to trust others. and i feel like in order to find ppl that would love me i have to overshare abt my whole lifestory bc it still dictate#my life heavily. and since i met this band its better cuz im learning to deal w it and i want to heal from everything but yes at the same t#me who would wqnt to be friends w. someone that has like a year of life experience and 18 years of depression lol#so yes its complicated. bc i have friends but im like the funny friend. the one that is as shallow as puddle and has no problems but honest#y im genuinely sufferint qnd have been sufferinz all my life so i want to come out of my funny friend role. but that wojld mean i have to t#ll the shit i went through to all my friends but tbh it would be so random so ye. i do have a plan though. how it could work. But yes im ti#ed have been tired for 7 years now. But this time around i hope i can successfully get out of this torture cycle lol.#ok sorry this is what happens after puberty guys i could beva research case for a damn mental institute atp xdd
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I'm just trying to make a timeline of Paradise Of Thorns for myself feel free to correct me if it sounds wrong. (Spoilers for the movie)
According to google it takes approximately 3-5 months to grow durian to ripe from when they first bloom, So the movie takes place roughly over 5 months if we go for the longest time.
Thongkam is a monk for about a month (again i just googled how long temple duties take and it said a month).
At the start when asked how long until the durians are ready to sell Thongkam says 4 months, so its been 1 month by himself before they move in.
And then I think when he gets back from being a monk, that's probably close to 4 months being done (he goes to do it 4 months in? based off 1 month by himself, 3 hospital visits )
Mae Saengs hospital visits are once a month, we only see 2, once at the start, and once when Thongkam buys her the wheelchair, but there is a third we don't see where Thongkam goes to sell the produce and tells them they have to take a taxi.
I think Jingna shows up around halfway through the second month.
The time between Sek and Thongkam finding their first durian bloom, getting married, Sek dying, and Seks funeral is unclear to me. I did think they got married, paid off the debt and Sek dying happened in a day but i think it'd make more sense to be like a week. (I thought a day cause Sek asks to marry and its like sunrise, then it cuts to them going to pay the debt, which i assume was already mostly paid off if they could do it this quickly, so like i assume Thongkam insisted on paying it that day instead of whenever he was scheduled to pay it, Sek leaves to do things, then comes back that night. But after trying to time line it i think a week or two sounds more realistic?)
So sometime within the first month all that happens, and then I've just been using the hospital visits to try and count how long each section takes.
-1 month alone/with sek -3 months with Mae Saeng, Mo and Jingna -1 month away at temple -1 month with Jingna (the durians arent fully done when he gets back so I'm adding 1 more month even though thats over 5)
I think Mo's wedding, and the rest of the ending all takes place on the same day/night. Also Sek / Thongkam been together 5+ years
Mo / Sek been together 20 years (?)
(Mo wanted to leave to work in bangkok 10 years ago but Sek convinced her to stay, so Thongkam/ Sek could be together more than 5 years as thats only how long hes been paying the debt?)
#tpot spoilers#tpot#the paradise of thorns#i think this works? but also i am really bad at telling how much time passes in movies which is why im trying to make my own timeline#like i know the hospital visits wont be the first of each month and the durians can vary its not a hard deadline on when they will be ripe#but i think this is a good basic idea of the time gone#thongkam isnt alone for that entire first month sek would still be alive for some of it i think#unless we are going with it all happened in a day#the 'sek leave to do things' the same day they get their deed and married how about thats also the day he has to take his mum to the hospit#and thats why it wasnt a big thing he left thongkam alone after just getting married and paying off his debt#like thongkams like yeah it makes sense we cant stay together all day he has to take his mum. i will not ask any more questions.#like i know its not what happened but it would make it so much easier#anyway i will probably try again to make it clearer but this is what im going off when i write a fic#i think sek/ thongkam worked together in another orchard before they started dating? i imagine it takes a while to convince someone#to pay off YOUR fathers debt#but also he did fall in love with Jingna and get married in like 4 months so#so im wanna say theyve been dating for maybe 6/7 years? but also thongkam doesnt have a great record so it could be like 4 months of dating#and then 5 years of the durian farm
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