#this could have been so much easier
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Month 9, day 7
I'M NOT EVEN DONE YET, BITCHEEEEEEESSSSSS
Gonna add grass and trees and I think a chair to the balcony before we're done :D
#the great artscapade of 2024#art#my art#blender#blender render#blender 3d#cycles render#I have a procedural brick texture I could have made/used#this could have been so much easier#why didn't I just do that#oh yeah because I'm following the tutorial that's why#ugh man I'm sleepy tired#I blame a certain squeaky kitty who woke me up at 4am#actually I blame his dad who SHUT THE CAT OUT OF HIS ROOM WHERE KITTY'S FOOD AND WATER IS#AND THEN PASSED OUT WITH THE DOOR STILL SHUT#kitty was SO HUNGY and VER THIRST and kept pestering me to fix it#but seeing as it was 4am I was (naturally) trying to sleep#so I kept ignoring him#because it was 4am#anyway we had a talk and my roommate told me if that happens again just open his door lol#and now kitty is being obnoxiously squeaky for an unrelated reason but I think it's bc it's way past my bedtime and that's Not Allowed™#so I GUESS I'll give in to the sleep tireds and go beddy bye#nighty night 💜
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you ever think about how edwin got like. no warning, no time time to process, nothing, when he reappeared on earth faced with the fact that virtually everyone he knew in life is dead. his parents? probably died in the 1950s or so (at best) almost forty years prior to edwin’s return. if any of his classmates were still around, they’d have been elderly, possibly senile, and in a few years they’d all be gone– except, of course, edwin. nothing looks the same, cars look like spaceships, there actually are spaceships, he can no longer see the stars, and everyone he knew is dead.
#he may be dead too but he’s certainly not gone. he’s a lingering relic. something lost to time#that’s some existential dread on an incomprehensible level#like. he meets charles quite soon after returning from hell and it’s implied he’s pretty much just been haunting that schoolhouse in that#time right. so I seriously doubt he’d have visited– let alone even Found– his parents’ graves. I wonder if he ever did that with charles.#maybe charles providing him enough emotional support to feel like he could handle it.#I know that he wasn’t close to his parents in life– nor was he close with anyone that we know of– and yeah I think that’d definitely make#things a bit easier in certain ways; he never felt like he belonged in his time/place in life or amongst his family or peers#so being displaced from all that wouldn’t feel like losing very much#in a way#but… I mean still#and he inevitably would have those lingering thoughts of what could’ve been–#yes he could’ve died in the war and his life likely wouldn’t be very fulfilling considering he’d probably be forced into a marriage he#wouldn’t want or if he was found out he could’ve been imprisoned and ostracized and disowned. plenty of ways his life could’ve been awful if#but also what if his parents loosened up a little as the times did? as in- what if he actually got to know them? what if they tried to#have a relationship with him of some sort eventually? it’s not impossible#it’d have to eat at him. that and wondering if either of them felt guilty#or felt a loss. or anything#hoo boy. fun stuff#edwin#edwin payne#rambling#dead boy detectives
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hated sons of brutal families
#warhammer rogue trader#rogue trader#marazhai aezyrraesh#heinrix van calox#aka ive been thinking about how they kill eachother in that fight a lot#not exactly sure on marazhai's death but heinrix boiling his blood vs marazhai decapitating him. chefs kiss#i know in my heart they relate to eachother enough they could heal IF they got over themselves first#and they would genuinely both rather kill themselves than do that for any reason (✿◡‿◡)#and it makes them hate eachother even more for recognising so much of themselves in another person and having never had that#except its THAT guy of all fucking people#they are making eachother worse and its not even intentional#anyway i got marazhais shoulder pads the wrong way around ignore that#heinrix as always i hate your face ❤️ be easier to draw bastard
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The thing driving me so insane about Loid and Yor communicating so openly is that this is how a couple in an actual relationship would address the problems they're having
She's asking him to rely on her, saying that he doesn't need to put up appearances all the time, that she knows he's capable but she's here to help and wants to, that he doesn't need to be perfect.
They're in a fake marriage. Loid has repeatedly told her she doesn't have to do anything but be around for specific events, but Yor still genuinely took up the role of Anya's mom and has been actively working to be a good mother to her fake husband's daughter this entire time, and now she's gently pushing back on Loid about not helping him either.
They aren't in love yet, or at least aren't aware of any developing feelings, but Yor is still reaching out to Loid in a way that someone in a real committed relationship would to their partner. She doesn't need to!! She's completely in her right to not help him, to not care!! He has given her the explicit permission of it multiple times!! But she cares about him, Anya, and Bond, this little family they've created. She wants him to lean on her like she does on him
#spy x family#sxf manga spoilers#twiyor#loidyor#whether you ship loidyor romantically or as qpps the writing of their relationship has been the best fake marriage i've ever seen hands down#she! cares! for! him! & want to help! & he's even realizing that he wishes he could lean on her more but cant! AHHH#but legit this was such healthy communication in this chapter that its like do either of you remember this is fake? that youre basically#roommates co-parenting a child who pretend to be married for your own respective safety? yor is an assassin. having a distant relationship#to her fake husband would only make that all easier for her but SHE DOESNT WANT THAT SHE WANTS TO BE CLOSER TO HIM!! BC SHE CARES ABOUT HIM#& APPRECIATES ALL HE DOES FOR HER!!! AND HES FINALLY REALIZING HOW MUCH HER HAPPINESS MEANS TO HIM TOO!! AHHHH#i'm being so normal about this#tc posts
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far and away my favourite thing about tsc was the direct parallels we got between neil and jean now that we've been allowed inside jean's head as well.
we have neil who's almost frighteningly self-sufficient; getting to grips with his surroundings when he moves to psu as soon as possible by going for long solo runs, not waiting for his teammates after he's done at the stadium, going shopping on his own for stuff on foot and only buying what he can carry back by himself, hitchhiking back from columbia -- the fact that he could have asked coach or any of his upperclassmen to come and get him not even occuring to him. but through forced proximity, he gets to know them more, and he gets to like them, and they become the people that he would do anything for, that he fought so hard to stay with.
on the other hand we have jean, whose time in the nest has had the adverse effect; he's never alone, he's hardly ever off-campus, and he's never had the kind of freedoms that you'd usually be afforded at college. the idea of living off-campus is horrifying to him, the idea of having his own room is unheard of to him -- and unsettling enough for him to want jeremy to move in there with him. jeremy shows him the way to the court but he's too disoriented to follow along properly because he's not used to being out in a city like this. for years he hasn't been allowed a life outside of exy and the nest, so he doesn't know how to be out in the world. he has no idea how to navigate it. he sees exy as his only purpose, so anything that doesn't seem to serve this goal is meaningless and egregious to him.
...but then there's jeremy, and cat, and laila.
idk, just, something something neil didn't realise how lonely he was until he met the foxes, and jean was painfully aware of how lonely he was despite being stuck with the ravens all of the time, and is now getting the chance to learn that it doesn't have to be like that with the trojans.
#i feel like neil looks at jean and can't help but see what he could have been#& jean looks at neil and can't believe he didn't have the good grace to stay hidden because wouldn't it have been so much easier if he did#and also they both pity each other but in opposite ways#neil's so determined to hold on to people because it gives him a vested interest in staying in line and he thinks jean deserves people too#whereas jean just thinks neil's making everyone he cares about a target and so isn't it better to not have any of that#because then you don't even know what you're missing out on?#UGH#the sunshine court#jean moreau#neil josten#tsc#tfc#emma reads tsc
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My hot take is that when Dazai eventually does break down and shows emotion, it won’t be tears, it’ll be rage. Look at his face when he and Fyodor are going back and forth in the prison, he’s pissed. He’s been separated from the ADA this whole arc, his plans keep failing, his partner has lost all autonomy and been turned into a mindless vampire, and now he’s been separated from the one person he promised he’d get out alive. For the past four years he’s been trying to be a better person and it seems like every time he makes a little bit of progress he loses something or his past gets thrown back in his face. I’d be pissed too
#Dazai my beloathed I need to see you go fucking feral#like he could have not chosen sigma#I feel like it would’ve been so much easier for him to win if he didn’t choose sigma but he did#and that makes all the difference#everybody wants him to cry but no#bsd#bungo stray dogs#bsd manga#bsd dazai#dazai osamu#bsd spoilers#bsd manga spoilers#bsd sigma#bsd fyodor#bsd chuuya#bsd hcs
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I wish I had pushed the angle on this one a little more to match what I'd imagined for this scene from the end of chapter 14 of Mand'alor Cabur by @nautilicious but at this point stubborness has kicked in and I've dug in my heals so this is what I'm working with! In other news I've picked my birthday project for this year, and in my post-vacation optimism I see a chance to get this at least to a lines-and-flats (and maybe even some lighting???) stage by the end of next week, which would be very great for me! That is if the green background doesn't completely sabotage me in the process...
#bobadin#boba x din#look at me returning to this ship ayy!!#I love drawing them sitting around each other okay?#and this time Din has some dimensions to his torso ayy! that has been bugging me SO MUCH from that pic where they are chilling on the ranco#I'm getting SLOWLY but surely better at this armor drawing thing. thank you clone armor you hellish plastic nightmare#wip#my art#boba fett#din djarin#star wars fanart#they have their helmets somewhere covered by their bodies. just know that they are there#could I have picked an easier angle for Din's face? yes. would it have felt like failure? absolutely#I wanted to sit on it until I could see how far I would get with it by my birthday but i just felt too warm and happy with this wip#faults (many there are) and all this sketch went suspiciously fast!#serves me right to feel like i forgot how drawing works now that it's done lol
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watching the mcu and xmen movies at the same time is wild bc u notice things you wouldn’t normally. like what do u mean bucky killed jfk and erik tried to stop him bc he was a mutant
#bucky has a wholeass metal arm erik it could have been so much easier to stop him#insane crossover#james bucky barnes#erik lehnsherr#winter soldier#magneto#xmen#mcu#marvel#captain america: the winter soldier#x men: days of future past
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oh i never posted this (cuickly cleans up the speech bubbles and format)
that one episode where sara made gumball into a superhero. um. molly threw herself at him, out of the blue, fully trusting he would save her, and before we figure out that its because sara has changed the narrative so everyone believes he is a real true superhero, um, i mean.
he did drag molly out of hell once
here, i added it. because the way my heart stops when she says "save me! like you saved-" and i think shes gonna say something like the shit in the comic. is good. share it with me.
#he's her hero. she trusts him. full-heartedly. and she never got to bring it up to him or talk to anyone about it. but.#she could mayb throw herself at him to see him smile at her remembering the time he came to hell to take her home:) but he doesnt. remember#sorry every time i pull an old comic out it like. starts out colored then turns gray. i like gray its sooooo much easier#tawog#gumball#molly#rob#digital#'youre a VILLAIN! you MONOLOGUE.'#if gumball has no memory of the void then that remote ep must have been insane. hes like.#where the FUCK ARE WE#eyestrain#idk if the static looks harsh. i can never find a good free use static so im stuck with this low quality one
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this is your reminder to make ur cringy n self indulgent art bc cringe is dead and you gotta live life (I say, despite the fact i still feel a bit cringe but im being so brave abt it)
lettin myself post n do more art for myself so apologies for the more selfshippy art than usual
#artswin#tsp narrator#tspud narrator#selfship#oz rambles#in the tags oz rambles go brrrrr#been hyperfocused on the numbers for a while recently which is why ive been pretty low if uve seen sdkhf#but im starting to feel better so in an effort to let myself feel better im doin more self indulgent art#with these types of things i usually make myself as a generic gray human instead of my sona (or recently my sona fusion)#(the sona fusion has my white swoop but black irl hair)#but making this made me remember how much i love drawing myself with narry n i dont wanna get rid of that#i only made the generic gray human art just bc i wanted other ppl to insert themselves which i still wanna do#but at the same time *I GOTTA LET MYSELF BE CRINGE MAN THIS IS MY OLD GEEZER I CAN BE CRINGE FOR HIM*#anywho if yall havent seen my updated intros recently. i selfship with the narrator (specifically virgil) in a bff/qpr way#so it might look hella romantic and couply occasionally were just a couple of besties /pos#gonna tag it with a selfship name tho just so i can access my posts on it easier#n so if yall wanna block me n my cringe for any reason then feel free! /gen /nf#naroz#digitalmuse#(or smth idk ive seen ppl have pretty cool selfship names so i wanna try smth similar but who knows it could change) :P
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Thinking about step 9 and the whole concept of forgiveness of one’s self and others and it bringing healing and how bobby and Eddie have been paralleled a fair amount and the idea that Eddie started this process back at the end of s5 with his forgiveness and acceptance of his father but how he hasn’t yet gone anywhere near his mother and their relationship .
How his catholic guilt storyline seems more likely to play on his reltionship with his mother than his father (if his father wasn’t around that much it would’ve been Helena taking him to church etc each week) so the idea of an Eddie - Helena storyline that plays on catholic guilt and potentially his queerness in relation to that has me chewing on glass - it could be so epically good
#I’ve always viewed Helena as the biggest issue in Eddie’s relationship with his parents - Ramon has always - to me a least always seemed to#just go along with what Helena wants or dictates#it made sense with how his trauma ptsd army related arc played out that it was Ramon who was the centre of that#now though - catholic guilt - possibly playing into his queerness and suppression of that queerness#to keep some kind of reltionship with his mother - who only seems to view him through a lens of failure#leading him down a road where he wasn’t able to be his true self - it would be so powerful#there is so much potential there#eddie saying his mother wasn’t an issue in s6 - was such a choice and so pointed that they have to be wanting to explore that#so many aspects of who Eddie is and why he is the way he is - his want to nest but not being able to with women - stems from his mommy#issues and the fact he’s been denying they exist#I will eat it up - it would be the right kind of angst for the show and Ryan would deliver#plus the way it parallels with Bobby and his relationship with Catholicism would be fascinating#not to mention the whole Eddie not having a relationship with the faith he was brought up in only to start dating someone who is a literal#embodiment of that faith - and female - as a symbol of his needing to explore and reconcile the actual reasons for his faith lapsing- become#could not be queer and Latino and catholic when Eddie was growing up - it wasn’t an option - so if you step away from the faith that’s#denying a fundamental aspect of who you are#even if you still can’t act upon it - it is easier to keep that part of you concealed#911 spoilers#911 Thinky thoughts#eddie diaz#I need this arc to be a thing so badly#911 abc
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btw, these are pretty messy, but they get the job done if you need a stock for Qiu and Baxter's sweaters 😂 I know my ass was getting pretty sick and tired of doing that shit from scratch every picture 🤣
#qiu lin#olnf qiu#baxter ward#ol baxter#our life#our life now and forever#stock#I know it's pretty late in the prompt week already#sorry#tbh I didn't make them until the other day#like an idiot#my life could have been SO MUCH EASIER#BUT I AM A FOOL#anyways#enjoy lmfaooo
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Kingdom Hearts 2 - Radiant Garden
#kingdom hearts 2#kh2#radiant garden#hollow bastion#scenery#my gif#this world is so big i did my best include as many rooms as i could#at least the most recognizable ones#i would love to be able to roam freely with the camera in this world it would have been so much easier to get better angles#it's so interesting how starkly different this world looks compared to radiant garden in birth by sleep
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I feel like the "dan is bi" anon is trolling but just in case they're genuinely confused: yes dan said in BIG that he loved and felt attracted to his high school gf (although he also made it pretty clear that they did not have sex so idk where anon is getting the idea that he has slept with "multiple women" 💀), and he alluded to his attraction not being confined to a specific gender in the part where he talked about labels, but you're completely taking all of that wildly out of context and missing the point of the whole video by calling him bi. I feel like this is probably the part that's frying their brain:
(shoutout to the legend @goldenpinof for this transcript!)
But firstly, imo it was very clear from BIG, as well as other stuff he's said over the years, that he just doesn't like labels. Which I find very valid, it took me a long time to figure out how to label myself. I still don't know what my gender is lmao but I started saying "bi" for my sexuality because it's a widely-used term that gets the point across. And I think that's the thing here: he came to the conclusion that the labels "gay" and "queer" are the best descriptors of his identity, which do the most accurate job of approximating something extremely psychologically complex and multilayered and nuanced in a simple everyday term that gets the point across to other people.
Obviously words mean things and it doesn't make sense to just pick a label at random (like for example it wouldn't make sense for me to identify as a lesbian, since I definitely feel attraction to men as well as women and everything outside the binary, and am interested in acting on that attraction at times, so I wouldn't be conveying accurate information to other people if I used the label lesbian for myself) but a label is just supposed to serve the task of conveying relevant information to other people (if a lesbian feels some kind of abstract attraction to dan and phil, that doesn't mean that the alphabet council needs to immediately revoke their lesbian card!! Since the word "lesbian" still does a perfectly good job of conveying relevant information to other people. Likewise if a straight dude has a fun little gay dalliance with his college roommate, but has absolutely 0 interest in men beyond that incident, it wouldn't be remotely necessary for him to start calling himself bi if he didn't want to, because what would be the point in that if he's only interested in women? Like if he told a gay dude who found him attractive that he's bi, only to backtrack... Do you see what I'm saying here?). It's perfectly valid for Dan to use "gay" and "queer" as umbrella terms that in his opinion do the best job of describing him, out of the language that's available. If he's like essentially a kinsey >5 and decided to just round it off to a 6 at this point, who are you to tell him he can't lmao
(shoutout to the legend @goldenpinof for this transcript!
Human sexuality is often way too complicated to boil it down to a single label in a way that doesn't erase any of its nuance, and I feel like this is something he's struggled with in the past, especially with him being a public figure. He's mentioned multiple times that feeling like he had to choose a label was a factor that prolonged his decision to come out.
And this is not even getting into the impact that his trauma from his childhood and also from spending a chunk of his formative years in the public eye probably had on the way he identifies or the way he chooses to label himself. It clearly took so much courage and strength for him to finally be able to call himself gay/queer please have some respect for our brave troops
Ultimately the point is that he uses the labels "gay" and "queer", not "bi", and it really shouldn't be difficult to respect that. It's also not biphobic for him to choose not use the label "bi" (again speaking as someone who uses that label). It's just that he feels "gay"/"queer" are better descriptors for him and nobody gets to determine that except him!! :) He wants people to know he's gay so he calls himself gay and that's that on that.
There are definitely people on here who are way smarter and more well-educated than me who would've done a much better job eloquently discussing this topic without rambling all over the place but that's my take (if anyone would like to add to this please do so, I'm always open to learn more about topics like this. And I'm also not saying that the way I see it is the only objectively correct opinion, but anon is definitely wrong so 💀). Thank you for coming to my ted talk
#phan#dan and phil#dnp#also dan has joked recently about not liking pussy/tits/whatever which would be contradictory to what he said in BIG#he could have been just joking or maybe his feelings about this stuff have genuinely changed but either way the point stands#that he uses gay and queer. not bi#this is long as hell so im not expecting anyone to read it but this is my blog where i post my silly little thoughts so here it is#also i remember there was crazy “bi vs pan” discourse on this website a few years ago#and i feel the need to mention that the reason i use “bi” is because it's more widely understood than “pan”#a single word is never gonna encapsulate the intricacies of my relationship with gender and sexuality so im just going with#the closest approximation that most people understand#but pan is cool too! use whatever label works best for you like !!!!! i have no issue at all with people having fun with their own labels#another thing is that he is essentially married to a man so it doesn't even matter if he's into women or not lmfao he's locked in#big shoutout again to kate for ur work documenting everything!! it's so much easier to make posts like this because of that
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butterscotch cinnamon pie my beloved 🥧💖
#holoska rambles#the filling only looks a bit lumpy in the photo. it's been in the fridge for a few hours and seems to have settled#it's just too dark to take another photo with decent lighting now >:/#but the crust turned out way better this time! still could be prettier but it's so much easier to look at than last year's ahah#now I just have to hope it sets in time to be able to eat a piece on my birthday. because last time it Did Not#birthday tag
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It's missing my father hours rn so imma just dump a bunch of pictures here and cry
( sorry i don't know the source of anything I just had them on my phone)
(also dont read the tags i just need to let it out lol)
#I just realized I can call him dad easier than my real dad and now I understand why am I so damn attached to him#I always knew he was a parental figure for me#but now I connected the dots#How when u have an absent dad and a d34d mom a guy shows up in ur life#that tells u life advice that both of ur parents failed to do so#and makes u feel safe the first time in ur life#ofc ud become attached#i know for sure its unhealthy how much i love and miss him#he occupies most of my thoughts honestly#But how could i not cling to him so much when he was the only one who gave me hope in life#i try to keep going and even tho he is not here i keep telling myself whatever he taught me. i keep reminding myself he wants us to live an#bloom and be free#and that's what ill try to do#but you know somedays i wish i could just disappear and be wrapped in eternal happiness#its so fucking hard to pull yourself out of the slump man im so fucking tired im so so tired#somedays i wish id have the courage to off myself but i know that deep down i want to live and ive always wanted to live but i have no idea#how to live. i feel like i finally found a purpose and someone i love. but at the same time im always doubting myself and im scared of losi#g this little hope again and i know i should cherish and use it instead but each day i have this anxiety because rn i have nothing else if#lose this i seriously will lose everything atp. but ill still try bc rn its this or death so i should try im just damn tired yes anyways#sorry for being depressing some days just dont work out but thats okay#yes at the same time i want to get out of my head and try to find some friends but i cant deny that im highkey fucked up and i just cant le#go of my past and i still feel like that helpless unloved kid and idk how to form relationships this way. i dont trust myself at all so idk#how to trust others. and i feel like in order to find ppl that would love me i have to overshare abt my whole lifestory bc it still dictate#my life heavily. and since i met this band its better cuz im learning to deal w it and i want to heal from everything but yes at the same t#me who would wqnt to be friends w. someone that has like a year of life experience and 18 years of depression lol#so yes its complicated. bc i have friends but im like the funny friend. the one that is as shallow as puddle and has no problems but honest#y im genuinely sufferint qnd have been sufferinz all my life so i want to come out of my funny friend role. but that wojld mean i have to t#ll the shit i went through to all my friends but tbh it would be so random so ye. i do have a plan though. how it could work. But yes im ti#ed have been tired for 7 years now. But this time around i hope i can successfully get out of this torture cycle lol.#ok sorry this is what happens after puberty guys i could beva research case for a damn mental institute atp xdd
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