#this could be much funnier if bruce never became batman

[ekat-fandom-blog]

Assassins AU Prompt

Bruce didn't know how it happened, but his children were all sent to kill him. He had no clue how he convinced them not to.

Dick had been a new Talon sent out on his second mission. Brucie Wayne should have been an easy target. Bruce had noticed him though. Had decided to try to help the child. It shouldn't have worked, but it did.

Jason had been part of a new murder cult pretending to be a home for wayward orphans. Someone had paid them to send a couple of the child assassins to a fundraiser for Gotham's orphanages and kill 3 of the most well-known philanthropists attending. Which of course included Bruce. Jason had somehow snuck a tire iron into the event. It was a bit funny. It also helped his Brucie persona when Jason let him adopt him.

Tim was used by his parents for years as a way of getting rid of competitors. It was only natural that they'd eventually send him to get rid of the CEO of Wayne Enterprise. Tim's plan was perfect and would have worked if he'd not gotten cold feet at the last minute, destroying the slow acting poison (that wouldn't have had noticable side effects until it was too late) in front of Bruce and confessing the plot then and there.

Cass was sent by David Cain to kill Batman, which was both a nice change of pace and same-old same-old. Cass would have succeeded if she wasn't so tired of killing people. It also helped that Batman (and Batgirl) genuinely seemed to want to help her. Was concerned for her.

Damian was sent by Talia to kill his father so he could become the true heir of the Bat and the League of Shadows with the stipulation that if he was unable to do so within a week, to not return at all. Damian failed. That's fine though, eventually he found he was happier with his Father than he'd been with the League.

Duke's gang had almost taken things too far when they decided they needed to take things into their own hands and get rid of the corrupt elite of Gotham.

[nightcolorz]

Poorly describing my versions of the Gotham rogues:

Joker: “yolo” in its most dangerous form, def is writing a slow burn enemies to loves fic about him and Batman. Gay and homophobic 💯 The other rogues don’t invite him to pride celebrations anymore cause he’ll keep calling people slurs “as a joke”. Him and Edward have longterm beef, like schoolgirl levels of petty drama.

Harley Quinn: would describe herself as a “girlboss” unironically while committing heinous crimes. tweeted “clowns aren’t funny” after breaking up with Joker (ended up causing a huge scandal). The OG “I can fix him” girl. Is sort of the rogues free underground therapist (god knows they need it) cause they can’t get professional help without being sent to Arkham.

Poison Ivy: Breaking News: Cottagecore lesbian commits mass murder cause her plant wilted. She’s what republicans think environmentalists are. Would get in a fist fight with that vegan teacher cause “plants have feelings too”. Has beef with most of the male rogues, supports ‘kill all men’ without realizing it’s a joke (she prefers ‘kill all humans’ but figured she had to downgrade because the Gotham city sirens are humans technically).

Cat Woman: “OH NO! It appears I’ve gotten stuck backwards in the bank vault step-Bat 😏😏😏😏😏😏, looks like I’m not stealing any more diamonds today 😰😩”. Mad respect for Selina, she just wants diamonds and bat dick, no tragic backstory or complex motivations needed. I personally like to headcanon her as wearing a straight up cat costume (ears and a tail like a true furry) cause it’s way funnier to imagine a sophisticated rich woman dressing up as a cat to steal shit than whatever bullshit DCs up to these days. Trans catgirl supremacy 💎👍

Scarecrow: That one guy who gets angry at people because “Halloween costumes are meant to be scary 🤬😡😑😒”. Doesn’t even attempt to express emotions, is the human embodiement of this emoji: 😐. His presence is more jarring than threatening, his intimidation levels are somehow underwhelming and overwhelming at the same time. The other rogues have collectively decided that he’s asexual under no assumption other than that they don’t want to imagine Jonathan having sex. Overtime Jonathan has become basically fearless (he smokes his own fear gas like vape just to feel something). Jonathan and Harley became good friends when they both worked in Arkham, their dynamic is surprisingly wholesome.

The Riddler: Didn’t get hugged enough as a child and is now making it everyone’s problem. Would hold a bank hostage to show Batman his third grade spelling bee medal. Is the only autistic rogue that gets accommodations in Arkham because he won’t stop bugging the guards. FTM trans ofc (his names Edward Nygma for Christ's sake). He ran away from home at seventeen and faked his own death (his deadname is legally dead lmao). Uses the terms “alpha, beta, and omega male” unironically.

Two Face: “Yeah, I mean, I didn’t wanna blow up the orphanage either, but Y’know the coin said-” The other rogues talk to Harvey as if he’s constantly at his breaking point, which is half true. Harv is a stone cold mf, he’s the rock that’s holding Two Face together tbh. Edward calls Harvey and Harv Jekyll and Hyde cause he’s that original. All the rogues have at least a sneaking suspicion that Bruce Wayne is batman and use Harvey as their little primary source (being ex besties and everything), until they find out Selina and Bruce are a thing of course. No matter how much evidence he’s faced with Harvey will never accept Bruce Wayne is batmam, he’s not ready to consider that one of the only positive people in his life has been duking it out with him this whole time.

Penguin: He’s the rest of the rogues chill gay gangster uncle I don’t make the rules. The iceberg lounge is like the Batman villain equivalent of The Central Perk from friends (aka: its their default place to hangout). Oswald always makes a fuss about them not making reservations ahead of them but at this point it’s just performative. Everyone’s 99% sure Oswald and Edward fucked at some point (Edward always makes a show of flustering Oswald when he needs a loan). Ossie always takes care of the others belongings when they’re in Arkham (he has a special place in his heart for Jonathan‘s crows).

The Mad Hatter: I love Jervis lmao he just really likes Alice in Wonderland and that’s a valid ass villain motivation 👍. One of the smartest rogues but doesn’t get enough credit because of how childish he is. He dresses in kids clothes, not just because he wants to but because he’s small af and can’t fit in shit. In public while the rogues are undercover Jervis usually wears a beanie or a baseball cap (he’d get spotted instantly if he wore his usual, but on bad days Jervis can’t bear to be without a hat). Jonathan and Jervis play chess a lot together in Arkham, and frequently engage in intellectual discussion, Edward tends to be a piss baby when Jon encourages him to do the same, he’s not ready to accept the reality that Jervis can match his intelligence.

Killer Croc: Waylon has a surprising amount in common with Jonathan, they share southern solidarity. He doesn’t travel out of the sewer often so the rogues will occasionally come to visit Waylon there (Edward always makes sure to complain loudly about the smell). Will show immense affection and loyalty to anyone who treats him as human (poor guy just needs a friend ☹️).

Mr Freeze: Literally just dead inside, someone give this poor bastard a hug. Victor stands as the most awkward rogue, he‘s sorta like the odd one out. The other rogues don’t interact with him that often because he’s sort of a party pooper. He’s the straight friend on thin ice, haha get it. Mr Freeze is my sisters favorite Batman villain because she thought the ice puns were funny in Batman in Robin, little does she know I’m embarrassing myself on tumblr in her glory.

Music Meister: So many of the Gotham rogues have horrible childhood trauma and Music Meister is just like “people bullied me for being a theater kid 😩😭💔😔”. In all honesty he’s iconic, in my au universe thingy I have him join the dork squad latter on and he sticks out like a sore thumb for a bit. I feel like him and Jervis would really hit it off though (mind control buddies, ha), although Jervis would always get him to sing Alice in Wonderland songs. In Arkham they have him wear a dog collar thingy and zap him when he sings, he gets bullied for that lol. anyways I’m sure I could make more of these, but it’s 2:20 am and my mind went blank. If y’all liked this I could always put more au headcanons out (I have A LOT)

[youwerenevermeanttofeelalone]

But? Damian Wayne • Tim Drake

Pairing: Older!Damian Wayne x Plus Size Reader, Tim Drake x Plus Size Reader

Word Count: 4.5k

Summary: you go through a lot because of Tim and Damian but in different ways.

Request: do you listen to asmr boyfriend roleplay (on yt)? Some of them would be great as fics.

Warnings: angst, mentions of cheating, sexual innuendos, language, fluff, a very light mention of violence, light mentions of insecurity, is rain a warning?

A/N: the fact that every fic I’ve written for these characters has the same concept is very funny but I definitely see the appeal and the potential.

Based off these YouTube videos: one two three

❖︎・・・・・❖︎・・・・・❖︎・・・・・❖︎

Replaying it didn’t make it easier to digest. After months of plans to move in together and talks about adopting a dog, Tim had broken up with you. He fell for someone else, a person he spoke about often.

She was a coworker of his, a gorgeous woman if anyone asked you. You could never blame him for falling for someone like her, she looked like a model and was a badass agent — it just hurt.

Now you were packing the belongings he kept at your place to send them to him with Alfred. It seemed like he couldn’t only break your heart and walk away, Tim also had to humiliate you. Out of respect, Alfred didn’t ask anything at all, he merely reminded you he was always available for you and wished you a good night.

The TV show playing in front of you wasn’t being processed by your brain. Curled up on the bed, covered with the duvet and a fuzzy blanket, you were desperately trying to conceive some sleep, for your brain to at least calm down so your head would stop throbbing and your eyes twitching.

Startled by tapping on the window, you were forced to swallow the mucus clogging your nose. Coughing, you rolled on the bed to asses who had disturbed you. Upon realizing it was just Robin, you begrudgingly left the bed to open the window.

He entered the room without saying anything, waiting for you to lock the window and close the curtains to take his domino mask off. He always did that, no matter how many times you told him no one would see him.

Damian stared down at the dozens of used Kleenex in the trashcan you kept near the bed. “Why are you upset?”

“I thought you knew...” your voice was strained, throat too tired due to the sobbing.

“I clearly don’t.”

“Tim dumped me for someone else.” Saying it in front of his brother was even worse than you had imagined. “Why are you here if it isn’t because I forgot to pack his brown jacket?”

Damian plopped down on your desk chair, staring directly at you, “patrol was boring and father is with Kyle again.”

Nodding, you went back to your spot on the bed, making yourself comfortable with a pillow on your lap.

“Are you tired?”

You were, but you didn’t want to be alone. “Not at all,” you lied so he wouldn’t dare leave. “Do you want to watch that movie you recommended to me last month?”

“Sure.”

Browsing through different streaming services until you found the film, you saw Damian take parts of his suit off in order to be more comfortable. Surprising you, he sat down on the bed, just beside you, once you had found the title.

You had to admit that paying attention was easier with him around, probably because you didn’t want to annoy him. The film did its job, you finally got distracted — you also fell asleep.

It became a routine, every night he would tap on your window and make you company. Some nights you would stay up until sunrise when you had to go to work, others he would be so tired he’d crash out on your couch, and a few nights you fully rested because his presence made you feel calmer.

Damian and you had never been too close, he and Tim had a complicated relationship and you didn’t want to have problems with your now ex-boyfriend. Now you hoped you had, he wasn’t what you had thought — Damian was nicer than every member of the family made him out to be, funnier, smarter, kinder. You genuinely enjoyed being around him.

He was extremely patient with you. He’d recommend you things to entertain yourself, let you vent when you needed, and without having to do it, would often make sure you had been eating properly because he had observed that between how much you had cried the days after the breakup, your job, and your lack of sleep you were low on energy. Damian had even spent an entire week helping you redecorate the apartment to cheer your spirit.

Being close to Damian meant spending time at the park with Titus, a shit ton of it, and trying new food every weekend, and visiting art galleries which had never been your thing. Being close to Damian also meant worrying because with all of his skills and abilities he was the most stubborn man you had ever met who often fought blindly just to end up in the Batcave's medical wing with a worried Alfred calling you to let you know your friend was hurt but alive.

Most importantly, being close to him meant feeling free to be yourself. You were sure no one would believe you, but it had never been truer.

❖︎・・・・・❖︎・・・・・❖︎・・・・・❖︎

Elevators had you tired, ironically. The only reason you hadn’t taken the stairs was that you were carrying a portfolio full of documents, a book bag, your purse, and a coat — everything was wet, just like you. Taking an umbrella would’ve saved you many nuisances, or not walking home from work, but you were too distracted in the morning to remember and now you were paying for it thanks to the rain that came with the nearing seasonal change.

You liked the rain, its sound was soothing, the smell made you aware of your own existence as it awakened your senses, you felt cleansed by it. A lovely thing to experience overall, just not after a long day of work.

Stepping out the second the elevator doors slid open, you took the keys out of your coat with your right hand. You let the straps of your purse slide down to your forearm as you flexed your arm while introducing the key in the lock, when it turned, you sighed out of relief and pushed the door open to finally get inside.

The lights were already on, sizzling echoed around the small apartment and a familiar smell of stir-fried vegetables hit your nose. You hung your coat, letting it drip as much water it naturally could before even daring to put it into the dryer.

Walking further into the apartment, you found Damian in the kitchen. He was wearing the comfiest clothes you had seen him on, sweatpants and a matching sweatshirt with only a pair of white socks.

“What are you doing in here with this weather?” you asked, taking a look at what he was cooking.

“I was bored.”

He always said the same, you always told him you didn’t believe him but he ignored it every single time. Patting his back, you announced you would get changed.

“Don’t take too long, dinner will get cold!”

As much as you were fine with Damian being there( and his cuisine,) you had to wonder why couldn’t he tell you his reasonings for his presence at your place. One thing was him visiting when you were there and another him practically breaking into your apartment — you were open to give him a copy of the keys, to be honest, but you would really appreciate it if he asked.

Dinner was delicious, shared over talk about your day. Damian was avoiding speaking about his day, about his entire week actually — in the past month and a half he hadn’t done anything close to that.

Sat on the couch in order to continue bingeing the show the two of you had started last week, you considered asking him what was going on with him. It partially scared you, the last time a member of that family had acted like that toward you they broke your heart.

Taking a deep breath, you threw your head backward to rest it against the edge of the sofa. Damian watched you, frowning. “Are you okay?”

You answered in a hum. “You?”

“Peachy.”

You moved around the couch, opening your eyes to stare at him. He stared back, the frown slowly disappearing from his face as seconds passed.

“Do you want to talk about it?” you inquired in a timid voice.

“Father is planning on retiring.”

“Oh... are you taking over?”

“Yes.”

You couldn’t picture anyone but him doing it. Dick had been miserable as Batman, Jason wasn’t interested in being like Bruce after everything that had happened, and Cass was finally finding a balance in her life.

“You don’t sound happy about it.”

“I am.”

“But?”

He shook his head, “but nothing. It was a long day.”

For your mental wellbeing, you didn’t press on it. He was clearly hiding something from you but he had the right to do so. It made you feel bad but whatever.

The lights flickered, prompting you to groan. The storm was getting worse, the sky was rumbling with thunder and the lighting striking the city and flashing into the living room through the thin white drapes was as mesmerizing as terrifying.

You mumbled, “can you stay?”

“Yes.”

Damian walked behind you, holding the flashlight from his cellphone to light the path toward your bedroom. You undid the bed quickly so he wouldn’t have to hold the device up for so long, you were sure it wasn’t an inconvenience to him but you still didn’t want to bother him.

He sat down on the bed, just next to you, “I’ll stay here until you fall asleep, then I’ll sleep on the couch.”

“You can sleep next to me if you want.” You felt your face burn up the second the words left your mouth yet you meant them. Oh, you did.

You heard shuffling. Assuming he was taking his sweatshirt off to get into bed, you moved away from the middle of the mattress toward the farthest side from him.

Getting under the duvet, Damian laid on his back. His cologne mixed with his usual smell of vanilla and almonds filled your nostrils as he dropped his head onto the pillow with his arms crossed against his front.

“Dami?” you whispered. He hummed in acknowledgment. “Can you get closer? I’m cold.”

With no hesitation, he turned over in order to lay on his side. Throwing his arm around you from behind, “Is that better?”

You relaxed with your back against his chest, letting a content sigh out. Damian inhaled deeply, taking a whiff off you. He did it again then, finding the smell of your lotion soothing. As he relaxed too, his arm curled around you more comfortably with his hand laying on your plump belly. You placed your hand on top of his, a little nervous yet excited. Being held was a nice feeling, one you had forgotten.

He lifted his fingers, brushing yours. You intertwined your fingers between his, playing with them. He huffed a light breath, caressing the sides of your fingers as you played with his.

Turning around, you got lost into the ethereal way the light from the lamppost entering through the window illuminated Damian’s side profile. He opened his mouth to probably say something but you abruptly shut him up. You did know what overcame you, it was something that had been simmering in you for the past month — the need of being near him, the butterflies that swarmed inside you when he laughed, the peace he brought you. He surprised you by kissing back.

“Shit,” you exclaimed, realizing you had actually done it. “I’m sorry, I—“

“It’s okay,” he interrupted to assure you. He placed his hand on your lower back, leaning in again. “Can we do it again?”

You kissed him again, feeling him tighten his arm around you in order to pull you closer. He deepened the kiss too, prying your mouth open as you held his face in order to ground yourself mentally. Damian laid you on your back, pushing you into the mattress as he straddled you — his lips didn’t leave yours, not even as both of you whimpered while his hands trailed up and down your thighs and yours mapped his back. Full-on making out with your best friend wasn’t how you pictured your shitty day ending, but you weren’t about to complain.

Damian couldn’t keep his lips off your face, enjoying the softness of your cheeks under his mouth and seeing the natural twitches of your nose which made him realize you were actually awake. He hoped he hadn’t awakened you up.

“I thought you were asleep.” The depth of his voice sent a shiver down your spine. “Were you pretending?”

You hummed, “it was hard with all those kisses.”

“I wasn’t kissing you,” he said teasingly, using his index and middle fingers to lift your head in order to continue kissing your face. “Did you sleep well?”

“I did. You?”

He answered, “yes. The best in months.” It felt good knowing you weren’t the only one.

Damian hugged you close with both arms, exhaling happily, “you’re very warm.”

Hiding your face in his chest, you hugged back. You didn’t know what it meant, or the meaning behind the gesture of still cuddling in bed with the guy you had started developing feelings for mere weeks after breaking up with his brother. But it didn’t matter, you were comfortable in his arms and happy with seemingly having cracked his shell.

You had to ask, however. “Did I overstep last night?”

“No, I told you it was okay.”

“Oh, yeah.”

He pulled away enough to fully face you. You attempted to ignore him, shifting under his gaze. Damian licked his lips, “did I make you think otherwise?”

You shook your head, the sound the friction of the side of your face made against the pillow too loud for your liking. “I just... I don’t want to ruin our friendship.”

“Is this ruining our friendship?”

You stuttered, “I— I think so?” You weren’t sure.

“I want to ruin it,” he stated, eyes fixed on yours, “more than anything.”

Your eyes dropped to his mouth as he said it, his full lips tempting you again. You were scared of the lack of guilt you were feeling, but you happily gave in. “Let’s ruin it, then.”

Smiling brightly, he dipped his face in order to kiss you. You were certain you would never get over his soft lips, the warmth of his breath, the firmness of his touch, his intoxicating scent, his silky voice... God, he truly had you smitten.

Nuzzling against your shoulder, he intertwined his legs with yours. “I don’t want to get out of bed yet.”

You giggled. “Then don’t.”

Damian decided he could do that, just cuddle his favorite person in the world until something came up, maybe.

❖︎・・・・・❖︎・・・・・❖︎・・・・・❖︎

You had been typing on your computer, as music harmonized your den-office when the doorbell rang. Looking at the time to try and guess who could be visiting you on a Tuesday noon, you pushed yourself back, away from the desk, in order to stand up.

Dot, the Labrador you had adopted no long ago wiggled her tail from her spot near the couch as you crossed the living room. She loved laying there, she had a good view of the door and could jump on you the second you got home.

You regretted opening the door the second you faced your visitor. Tim Drake smiled timidly at you, “hi, (Y/N).”

“I— uh, hello?” You tilted your head, confused as to what he was doing there, who had given him the address and why had he thought he would be welcome.

“Can I come in?”

You lifted your index finger. “Just a second.”

Opening the guest-closet, you took a pair of slippers out and padded back toward the door. Tim looked down at the slippers you were offering to him, then at his shoes — as he did, he realized you weren’t wearing any footwear.

He complied, taking his shoes off and sliding his feet into the slippers. When he asked where to put the pair of footwear he had just taken off, you pointed to a mat next to the door, just under the key holders. You closed the front door as he dropped his shoes.

“Wow,” he exclaimed, eyes taking in as much of the space around him as possible, “your taste has changed! How long has it been?”

“A little over a year and a half.”

“We really need to catch up!”

You motioned for him to sit down on the couch. Dot curiously stared at him when he did so while you asked, “do you want anything to drink?”

“Coffee would be fine,” he answered just to have more time to examine the living room. It was extremely luxurious, with a vaulted ceiling and oversized windows.

Curious about the overall design of the penthouse, and how good your job had to be for you to be able to pay for such living arrangements, he followed you toward the kitchen where you were preparing his coffee. It was as full of luxury as the living room, with stainless steel appliances, granite counter-tops and a breakfast bar the size of your previous apartment’s entire kitchen.

“How have you been?” He asked, sliding his palm against the marbled breakfast bar.

“I’ve been great.” You gave him a tight smile, placing the sugar bowl onto the bar.

“I’m glad. How’s your family?”

“They’re great, thank you.” Out of courtesy, you asked, “how have you been?”

He cleared his throat and took a deep breath, “well, after I abruptly broke up with you, from which I’m very sorry because I was a dick, my girlfriend broke up with me too...”

“I’m sorry.” You genuinely felt for him, being dumped out of the blue wasn’t something you wished upon anyone. Pouring coffee into a mug, you handed it to him.

“It’s okay,” he smiled openly, nodding as a thank you for the coffee and dropping a couple of spoonfuls of sugar into the beverage, “I’m over it. I moved to Europe when Bruce said he needed someone to supervise the branch of the company there, the drama wasn’t good for my spirit.”

“Why are you back? It’s not like Gotham has changed.”

“My best friend is getting married.”

You hummed, finding estrange that you hadn’t been invited to the wedding.

“You have a new boy or anything?”

You stuttered, dropping a teabag into a cup, “perhaps.”

“Come on, (N/N), tell me! I won’t get mad.” He deviated his gaze. “I’m over you and everything.”

You confessed then, pouring hot water on top of the herbs, “I am dating Damian.”

“Which Damian?”

You waited for your ex-boyfriend to swallow the sip of coffee he had just taken and took the opportunity to have a sip of tea to calm your nerves. “Wayne,” you explained.

“You’re dating my little brother?!” He whisper-shouted. You simply nodded. “For how long?”

“Eleven months.”

“So what? You ran into his arms as soon as I broke up with you?!”

You didn’t appreciate the tone he was using or what he was insinuating. Definitely not when he had cheated on you without for once thinking of sparing your feelings.

“Damian was there for me when no one else had the time, it just happened.”

“I thought you were going to stay away from my family,” he reproached you.

In all honesty, you had thought the same thing. As much as Alfred had told you to call him if you needed anything when he went to pick up the belongings Tim kept at your place, you hadn’t planned on doing it — but that same night, when Damian arrived, tired after a long patrol, and playing dumb by saying he had just dropped by because he was bored you decided you didn’t have to, you didn’t want to. Eventually, you evolved, as many things had after that night, not for Damian nor because of him but next to him, with his patience and support.

“I can’t believe you,” he shook his head.

“I thought you were over me.”

“I’m not jealous! But you deserve better than him — you’re so pretty and nice and he’s selfish and mean and depends on Bruce for everything.”

That didn’t sound like Damian at all. “Maybe you don’t know your brother.”

“You’re telling me he’s changed? Because I don’t believe it.”

You couldn’t be a testimony of Damian’s change when you had never seen the version Tim described, but you could definitely say Damian was everything you had always wanted in a partner and more — he was what you needed, what you loved.

“You still can do way, waaaaaay better than him,” Tim interpreted your silence as a confirmation of Damian’s change.

“Like who, Timothy?”

“Like me!” he exploded, clenching his eyes shut for a couple seconds to control his breathing. “I’ll go straight to the point: I miss you. I came back to get you back, there’s no wedding. I was too stupid to see what I had when I had it, I know, but I’ve changed,” he assured, “I have a new philosophy, I’m surrounded by better people. I’m not blind anymore.”

“Neither I am.”

He ignored your comment and went on, “let’s just start again. In another country, a new house. We’ll adopt as many puppies as you want!” Tim took an envelope out, “I have two plane tickets here for tomorrow. One is yours.”

The front door unlocked loudly, prompting both you and Dot to crane your necks in order to stare at it. Damian pushed it open, shoes in hand and blazer draping over his forearm.

You saw him focus on the pair of shoes on the mat for mere seconds before Dot happily wiggled her tail at him as she approached him. Damian threw his blazer to the nearest couch, quickly undoing his tie which followed suit, before hunching down to pet the little dog.

Out of habit, you left the kitchen to walk toward him and greet him. He stood back up, naturally towering over you and kissing you softly, “hello, beloved.”

You giddily smiled, forgetting you weren’t alone, “hi, handsome. I missed you.” Wrapping your arms around his waist, you inhaled his scent. God, you had truly missed him. Sleeping without him wasn’t the same, nor having to rely on music or the tv for the place to not feel alone. Two days of not hearing his voice not waking up tangled up with him were too much sometimes.

Damian put his hands on your waist, sighing at finally being able to touch your soft body again. “I missed you more.” He leaned downward, placing his lips on yours again.

“(Y/N),” Tim pleaded from behind you, making you jump.

Damian parted from you, looking past your shoulder and directly at his brother. “Drake. What are you doing in here?”

You stepped to the side, opting for opening the terrace’s door so Dot could have some fun outside. In the background, as you leant against the doorway and watched the little dog sniff the terrace, you heard Tim say Alfred had given him the address. Oh, sweet Alfred, always trying to keep the family together.

Turning around, you saw them both sit down in front of each other in the living room. Trying to keep them from fighting, you walked back into the room and sat down next to your boyfriend.

Tim immediately told you, “please don’t throw it all to waste for him.”

Both Damian and you frowned. He put his hand on your thigh, like he had done the first time he had taken you to a business dinner as his date, like he had grown used to do under any table. It was your favorite gesture, he wasn’t a big fan of PDA but he still made sure to always be touching you — the fact that he loved your thighs when you had always been insecure due to their size was a nice addition.

“I’m over you, Tim. Damian is my boyfriend, and with who I want to be.”

“He’ll never love you like I do, he can’t.” Tim’s tone was the harshest you had heard from him.

He was right, though. Damian would never love you like Tim did, that was the whole point. You didn’t want what Tim had to offer, the kind of love he could give — you were past that, you had been for a long time now and it felt amazing.

Tired and spent, Damian hugged you extremely tightly while cuddling that night, almost to the point where you struggled to breathe. Wiggling in his arms in order to turn around and face him, you wrapped your arms around him as best as you could.

“What’s wrong, Dami?”

“Nothing.”

You dropped yourself onto your back, struggling to bring him in but ultimately succeeding. Damian sighed, shifting to be more comfortable as he laid his head on your bare chest.

“I don’t know,” he mumbled. Damian inhaled your scent, sighing in content — he was in his safe place. “I sometimes forget not everyone sees me the way you do.”

You supposed he was referring to Tim’s assumptions about him. “Does it bother you?”

“Only when they use it to try putting you against me.”

“You know they would never succeed, right?” You needed him to be aware of that.

“I do.”

“But?”

He moved to hover over you, fitting his legs between yours as he propped himself up with his elbows. “But it’s different when your ex does it. And no, I’m not jealous, I do trust you.”

You wrapped your arms around his neck. You understood what he meant, perfectly so. Damian had been there to pick up the pieces, he had helped you glue them together and even taught you to tweak them so the final piece would look better — with that, beautiful things had bloomed, but in between many tears had been shed on your behalf and many confessions had been made regarding your feelings in general; sprinkle in how hard it had been to process the fact that you had fallen for each other and you could understand where he was coming from. There was a piece of Damian in you, and there was a piece of you in him; at every level.

“It’s not relevant anymore, love,” you reminded him.

Damian caught your lips in a tender kiss, humming. “I just wish he wasn’t back.”

“He’ll be gone by tomorrow. And if he isn’t, I don’t care.” You started playing with his hair, unconsciously running your fingers up and down through his locks. “But I don’t want you to have a bad relationship with your brother because of me.”

“We’ve spoken about that.”

Damian had never been able to get along with Tim, his relationship with Dick was great and he had even built one with Jason, Cass was his favorite, and he had gotten to meet with Helena a few times. However, his resentment toward Tim heightened when you two started frequenting each other — he seemed to now despise him.

You tilted your head to pepper kisses over his jaw. “You’ll manage, Damian. You ignored him for years.”

Your boyfriend sighed dramatically, letting his weight gradually fall on top of you. Placing his hand on your cheek, he smirked before burying his face in your neck. “Besides,” Damian mumbled, “he’s not the one keeping you up tonight.”

[herecomesnaya]

Thank you for that post about latest RHATO. I've seen some discourse on twitter ie how Lobdell is suddenly a shitty writer and a monster because he supposedly redeemed Jason's bio dad and made Bruce abusive and it's so ooc. What makes it even funnier is when these posts advise people to read pre-Rebirth Batman stories if they want to see the real and well written Bruce Wayne. The same Bruce who chose to cut Jason's throat with a batarang in order to save the Joker and left Jason to die (1)

2 in the rubble. The same Bruce who frequently punched Dick and did other shitty things. And you're right - that fight between Bruce and Jason is all about pride, betrayal, emotional repression, and sexual frustration. The last one is even spelled out in the book itself when Jason basically tells Bruce that their showdown is probably more about Bruce's failed play date than about Jason shooting Penguin. And it's what prompts B to be even more enraged and brutal. So, nothing new for them both.

hoooo boy you say a lot of good things in this ask!!

I really hate that people are calling Willis narratively redeemed just because we saw things from his point of view once. first off, unreliable narration much? second, people are allowed to have good intentions and still turn out to be bad people. third, and I’ve talked about this before, but the ties of family are really strong even if that family treats you like trash. Jason has a huge heart (Star Sapphires, hit him up), so it’s obvious he’d be drawn in by love for his father even if Willis doesn’t deserve it.

second, Bruce has always been an abusive my-way-or-the-highway prick! he’s been this way for literal decades! and protip: if a character has been written that way for that long, mmmmaaaaybe it’s not bad writers who don’t know what they’re doing. maybe you just like a version of Batman you’ve built up in your head who can do no wrong, or who only makes minor missteps.

Batman’s whole character is built on the fact that he’s an egotistical, obsessive maniac who thinks that he knows best. much as he trots out the “let the law take care of it” line, he certainly doesn’t believe that the police can do their jobs! he became Batman because he thought he could do better than literally everyone else.

I know I’m not the first to say that the concept of Robin is super fucked up. sure, we let things slide because it’s a comic book, but if you’re going to look critically at Bruce through an out-of-universe lens, then you’ve got to at least try to be fair about it. he trains children to fight with him on a crusade that he’s admitted multiple times they can never win! he is not an inherently good guy!

but here’s something apparently controversial in fandom nowadays: that’s why we’re supposed to like him. we like Batman because he isn’t a shining beacon of morality like Superman. we like him because he’s gritty and ridiculous and stubborn and a huge asshole. we like him because he fights an impossible fight and gives over his life to a dangerous crusade despite all odds. we like that he accidentally creates villains in an attempt to save his city. we like that he fucks up.

at least, I do. I enjoy characters that have flaws that are allowed to have a little life in the narrative, rather than the one-and-done “he does something wrong and everyone says it’s wrong and he repents for doing wrong” sort of setup that seems so popular on this website. it’s called telling a story. that’s how fiction fucking works, you guys!!

so, yeah. y’all can stan for the Bruce Wayne who loves all his kids equally and unconditionally and apologizes when he’s wrong and behaves like an emotionally healthy person, and I’ll be over here enjoying the actual character that DC has created.

[funnythingshere0-blog]

25 Hilarious Batman vs. Iron Man Memes

New Post has been published on https://funnythingshere.xyz/25-hilarious-batman-vs-iron-man-memes/

25 Hilarious Batman vs. Iron Man Memes

by Justin O’Hanley

– on May 27, 2018

in Lists

That MCU/DCEU crossover is coming for us all. It seems like an insane idea right now, but flash forward to 2035 where, in the wake of a disastrous box office performance for Rocket Racer 2: The Return of Big Wheel, Marvel is going to have some serious soul searching to do. And an event level Batman v. Iron Man movie is going to wind up looking like the best way to recapture those 2018 glory days. There’ll be logistics and legal mumbo jumbo to work out, but there’ll also be a lot of money to be made, so the studios will find a way.

Batman going toe to toe with Iron Man on the big screen is a long way off, but we have excellent news; you can get a little preview of what that confrontation might look like with this collection of memes. And it’s surprisingly easy to imagine – Batman and Iron Man are in many ways opposite sides of the same coin, they were both born into wealth but it’s easy to imagine how their personalities would clash. Maybe they’d have a playful rivalry, maybe the conflict between them would be more serious, and either way there’s already lot of fanart. Many of these were found on DeviantArt and if you like what you see there’s plenty more where that came from, so be sure to check all of these artists out! With that in mind, here are 25 Hilarious Batman vs. Iron Man Memes.

25 Gadgets

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“Where does he get those wonderful toys?” There were generations of moviegoers who assumed that Alfred was the one designing all the Bat-Gadgets. But 2005’s Batman Begins brought Lucius Fox to the big screen and suddenly the idea of Batman became a lot more logical to audiences. Not that we doubt Batman’s technical expertise – he was able to fix the Batwing autopilot just in time for the climax of The Dark Knight Rises, but there just aren’t enough hours in a day for him to personally manufacture every single batarang. Knowing he has a secret R&D department at work for him makes a lot of sense.

Tony Stark on the other hand is a true Renaissance Man, we all saw what he was able to do in a cave with a box of scraps, after all. Which makes the idea of him cribbing off of Batman’s work in the above fanart even funnier. There’s no need for him to rip off the Batwing design, he seems to be cheating just for the sport of it. Batman, despite being drawn in the style of Frank Miller’s fearsome interpretation of the character in The Dark Knight Returns, appears helpless to do anything about it.

In what will become a recurring theme in many of these memes, Spider-Man is in the background, quietly keeping his head down like a kid whose parents are arguing again.

24 Casting

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Even though there are those of us who recall Robert Hays with a certain fondness, as far as audiences are concerned there’s only been one Iron Man. Iron Man is synonymous with Tony Stark, and Tony Stark is synonymous with Robert Downey Jr. The whole Marvel Cinematic Universe arguably wouldn’t have gotten off the ground if not for that single instance of perfect casting.

So with that in mind, we think Iron Man is being a bit passive aggressive in this piece of fanart. Sure, he’s acting like a supportive friend, trying to keep Batman’s spirits up in the wake of 2013’s controversial casting of Ben Affleck. But what better way to twist the knife than to remind him of all the many miscast Batmen we’ve seen over the years?

George Clooney couldn’t pull it off, but the star of Jersey Girl and Surviving Christmas is going to do just fine, Iron Man seems to be implying.

The drawing is from 2013 and it’s prescient enough to raise the spectre of a Ben Affleck directed Batman movie. There are many who feel Affleck fared well in the role even if they had problems with Batman v. Superman and Justice League, but the idea of him pulling double duty behind the camera is very exciting as well. We’re still pretty bummed it’s not happening.

23 Breakout Year

Technically the superhero movie craze has been happening since the start of the millennium, it just took them a while to get organized. If we may, we direct your attention to 2007’s crop of comic book films; Spider-Man 3, Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer, and Ghost Rider. Yeah. Hard to imagine, but back in 2008, The Avengers was still just a gleam in Kevin Feige’s eye and based on the Marvel movies that had come out one year earlier, audiences didn’t have much reason to expect Iron Man to be anything special.

X-Men had fans, Spider-Man 1 and 2 had fans, we’re going to meet the guy who liked Hulk any day now, but Batman Begins at that point was the most “respectable” comic book film of the 21st century. We could use it as a means to symbolically take Iron Man down a peg. This meme has been floating around the Internet for several years now and while we can’t trace it all the way back to 2008, it wouldn’t surprise us to discover that some huge Batman fan was taking a shot at Iron Man without knowing what he would lead to. Probably all in good fun, though the image has been re-appropriated as a bit of “Take that” at the MCU.

22 Fears

Each of the three Christopher Nolan movies were built around a central theme and all three gave Batman a villain to fight who was the embodiment of that theme. Bane was the embodiment of despair in The Dark Knight Rises. The Joker was the embodiment of madness in The Dark Knight. And of course, Scarecrow, under the control of the League of Shadows, was the embodiment of fear in Batman Begins. From beginning to end, Batman Begins was an exploration of fear as much as it was an origin story. Bruce used what he was most afraid of to become Batman and the League literally tried to weaponize fear against the general population.

Iron Man 3 didn’t try for as much depth, but it did give us a Tony Stark who was dealing with post traumatic stress disorder after the invasion of New York. The glimpse he had of what was out there beyond our planet continued to resonate into Age of Ultron and Civil War, as he became obsessed with building more powerful weapons in order to ensure that Earth would never again be caught off guard. And given what Thanos was able to do in Infinity War, it seems as though his worst fears have finally come to pass.

The artist’s idea that Iron Man fears portals to an alien world while Batman is scared of fruit bats might be a little flippant, but it rings hilariously true.

21 Crossover Movies

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It did seem as though DC was eager to get its own big superhero crossover off the ground, but they may have jumped the gun. Justice League’s entire worldwide gross was exceeded by the opening week box office of Infinity War. And the thing of it is, it didn’t need to be that way. A few more successful solo films like Wonder Woman and audiences would have flocked to Justice League.

Batman emerged from JL unscathed, as Batman is known to do. But what if he got fed up with the DCEU and tried to join The Avengers?

We love this little piece of fanart, as the child versions of The Avengers are absolutely in keeping with the characters we’ve gotten to know over the course of these many movies. Especially note Hawkeye’s suction cup bow and arrow, Black Widow as the token tomboy who’s a bit apart from all the boys, and Iron Man splayed out as the mischievous alpha male of the club. If he spoke, he’d sound like T.J. from Recess. Their personalities just leap out of the picture, and we would watch that show.

The Kid Avengers are probably right not to let Batman into their treehouse. They’re a less tortured group and how much fun would they really have with Batman around?

20 Plotholes

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The third act of The Avengers set a new benchmark for superhero movie mayhem. Fans returned to the theatre over and over to see Hulk swing Loki around like a rag doll or Iron Man’s full body enema takedown of the Chitauri, or Hawkeye’s… we’re just kidding no one was there for Hawkeye. But the more viewings we went to, the more we had to gently bat away some small gaps in logic. The assault on New York City could have been prevented before it even got started and, in this meme, Bruce is on hand to point out a particularly simple solution. True, Stellan Skarsgård was on the roof with the Tesseract, but if you want to prevent an alien invasion you have to break a few of Stellan Skarsgård’s bones. Eggs, we meant to say.

However, Stark could turn it around and ask Batman why after he rescued Rachel he didn’t just grapple back up to that fundraiser The Joker crashed and nab him. Or why no one in Gotham City puts it together that Batman also disappears any time Bruce Wayne leaves town or becomes a hermit.

We’re not saying turn your brains off, but superhero movies attract a small subset of fans who would rather be pedantic than let themselves get immersed in an experience. If you spot a plothole on your fourth viewing, that doesn’t invalidate the three times you enjoyed the movie before. It just means there’s some skillful storytelling at work that prevented you from seeing it before.

19 Privilege

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The key difference between Bruce Wayne and Tony Stark is that Stark actually was the playboy that Bruce Wayne was pretending to be in The Dark Knight Trilogy. They were both born in positions of extreme privilege and wealth. Both had idealized, sheltered lives growing up, before they were forcibly pushed outside their bubble and got a brutal taste of the world as it actually is. Both dealt with their pain in unhealthy ways.

Bruce was orphaned as a child, while Tony lost his parents when he was a young adult. Bruce appears to have internalized his grief and as an adult was driven to dress up as Batman and go out to fight crime as a means of therapy. Tony submerged his grief and lived a reckless, carefree life until he got kidnapped and saw the impact Stark Industries was really having. So he decided to use his wealth to try and positively impact the world.

Two different billionaires with somewhat similar early lives, both fighting for different, but equally compelling reasons. But at the end of the day, it’s still nice having a lot of money, so it’s nice to see that, according to the image above, they don’t take it for granted.

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18 Vs. Movies

This is the first and last time in this article that we’re going to come to the defense of Zach Snyder’s Batman v. Superman, so here goes – too much was made out of the “Martha” moment. Without having seen the movie, you’d assume Batman and Superman literally decided to become friends after finding out their mother had the same name. But there was a solid enough in-story reason for Superman to bring up Martha (though him saying “My mother…” would have made more sense), hearing it gave Batman pause for a moment, and the two stopped fighting long enough to realize the bigger story.

And if you can tell us what that story was, you’re a few steps ahead of us. Jesse Eisenberg was in there, so something to do with Facebook, maybe. Wait, he was playing Lex Luthor? That can’t be right…

Bruce and Tony didn’t fight head to head, but if you look at these movies as a proxy battle, it’s another victory for Iron Man.

Civil War, released in theatres soon after BvS, fared a lot better critically. It had just as many characters, but the groundwork had been laid a lot more carefully. We knew who almost all of the heroes were and there was a great deal more emotional investment when we saw all of them clash dramatically in the third act. Snyder knows how to bring an interesting aesthetic to his films, but the storytelling in Civil War was a lot more skillful.

17 Shared Competition

There’s something bittersweet about aging icons who start to become eclipsed by a new generation. T’Challa, a.k.a. Black Panther, has been around since 1966. However, MCU-only audiences first met him in 2016’s Captain America: Civil War, then saw him explode onto the landscape in this year’s Black Panther. Batman and Iron Man have years of iconography and that’s hard to beat, but there’s something impressive about seeing the flashy new kid command an audience right out of the gate. Moreover, you can’t really say that Batman or Iron Man have ever appeared in a film that could be classified as a cultural phenomenon in the way that Black Panther was.

As pointed out in the image above, Black Panther’s vibranium suit is suited to both stealth and combat. Plus any team with Letitia Wright’s Shuri on it has an automatic advantage. Wakanda has taken steps towards sharing their technology with the world and Tony is likely to take full advantage of it, but he’s got a learning curve ahead of him. T’Challa has been using vibranium all his life.

Of course, everyone who saw Infinity War knows that Tony Stark has one very distinct advantage over T’Challa right now. But we’ll see where things stand this time next year…

16 Music Video Parodies

Maybe we’ve been trying to generate conflict where conflict doesn’t exist. Who’s to say that Batman and Iron Man would fight? Just because they’re two big personalities, it doesn’t mean they wouldn’t be friends. For all we know, they’d get along like Kanye and Jay-Z in “Otis.” This possibility has already occurred to artist Marco d’Alfonso over at DeviantArt, who’s created a shot-for-shot recreation of the Spike Jonze directed music video.

Jay-Z and Kayne West are long time friends and their 2011 collaboration was met with huge critical acclaim. Sadly, some tension exists between them right now, but Jay-Z maintains that there is genuine love between the two men and indeed their friendship, as well as the easy way they play off each other and trade verses back and forth in “Otis,” is evident for the world to see.

Whatever sort of first impression Batman and Iron Man would make on each other, maybe they’d quickly put it aside if they shared some sort of common, Jesse Eisenberg type enemy (we’re still having trouble with that one). We don’t expect them to appear in a music video together, but thanks to Marco’s excellent drawing, we have no trouble imagining it.

15 Shared Cast Members

In the summer of 2008, Iron Man and The Dark Knight were the two seminal films that kicked off our current era of comic book films. If you were a character actor that year you had two goals; keep it on the D.L. if you appeared in Kingdom of the Crystal Skull and see if you could book parts in one or both of the year’s biggest superhero movies.

Joshua Harto played a nondescript role called “CAOC Analyst” in Iron Man, but showed up in the far more substantial part of Coleman Reese in The Dark Knight. This guy was deducing Batman’s secret identity when Joseph Gordon Levitt was still in diapers and when he threatened to reveal it on TV, he wound up in The Joker’s crosshairs. If someone doesn’t end Coleman Reese in one hour, I’ll blow up a hospital, promised The Joker.

Coleman Reese was the Ryan Chappelle of the Nolanverse, and his open ending combined with him knowing Bruce’s secret intrigued the fans. We noted his name. Coleman Reese. Mister Reese. Mysteries? Mysteries like riddles? As it turned out, The Dark Knight was the last we saw of the character, and Harto had to settle for reprising CAOC Analyst in Iron Man 3 five years later.

14 Secret Identities

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Tony Stark is kind of a bigger threat to the notion of a superhero than any supervillain ever could be, as he risks giving the whole game away. So many superheroes assume they need to have secret identities in order to protect their loved ones or to avoid getting in trouble with the law because they’re technically being vigilantes. Blah blah blah. Tony Stark just runs around fighting crime and everyone knows who he is. He doesn’t hide in a cave, he lives in a building with his name on it. Come at me, bro.

A hero keeping his identity secret is a nice way to whip up some easy Jiffy Pop character conflict by having him constantly keep secrets from the people he cares about.

Really, how different would Bruce’s life really be if everyone knew he was Batman? He’s outed in the epilogue of 2015’s Arkham Knight and pretty much everyone is like “Keep on being you, Bruce.” Tony Stark blows the lid off of the whole Batman mythos and reveals that Batman is probably just antisocial more than anything. Being put in jail for wanton property damage worries Bruce a lot less than being asked by random strangers to show up for their kid’s birthday party.

13 Senses of Humor

Of all the memes on this list, this might be the one that most gets at the heart of who Bruce Wayne and Tony Stark are. No matter the incarnation, Bruce is a dour guy. He’s got one liners sometimes, but he’s not really intentionally funny ever. Even in the most overtly comedic screen interpretation of Batman, the 1960s Adam West show, Batman himself was never funny. He was comically serious in the face of all the madness around him.

Tony Stark is funny. That’s one reason why he made an impression as a character at a time when Christopher Nolan’s ultra serious Batman was seen as the benchmark for superheroes – he didn’t try to compete in the same playground. He doesn’t take much too seriously, which is most evident in the first Avengers movie. Tony Stark doesn’t have to carry much of the dramatic weight in that movie, he’s just the team smart aleck and the movie is better for it.

That might be why we like this meme, we can imagine this exact exchange happening if the characters met for real. Tony is flippant, Batman injects some earnestness into the conversation, and Tony undercuts him so fast Batman’s head would spin. Or at least turn from side to side, finally.

12 Money Fight

If you come to a Zeppelin concert, you expect to hear “Stairway to Heaven.” If you come to a compilation of Batman vs. Iron Man memes, we’ve got to show you the Money Fight. It’s an oldie but a goodie, as this is a meme we’ve seen around for quite a few years, and it’s still liable to get a laugh for its sheer, unvarnished cruelty.

For all that we’ve been talking about their character flaws, Batman and Iron Man are fundamentally heroic people.

Oftentimes, superhero and supervillain origin stories are impossible to distinguish, and we can certainly imagine Bruce and Tony redirecting their anger towards the world at large and using their resources to really do some harm. But they continue to do good, which makes the idea of them having a money fight fundamentally entertaining – it’s so out of character it’s hilarious.

Spider-Man is of course caught in the middle. Look at the sadness in his eyes. Is he upset that it’s come to this for two of his heroes? Or is he disgusted with what he’s been reduced to? Either way, he’s caught between two flagship superheroes and he has money raining down upon him. Cheer up, Spider-Man. This is the American dream.

11 Looks

There’s always someone better. Bruce and Tony have got money, they’ve got all the technology in the world, and they’re eligible bachelors. But for whatever reason, they’ve committed to hiding their good looks behind a couple of masks. Thor is a beautiful man, he knows it, Natalie Portman knows it, and the rest of the world knows it too.

Thor is also arguably the strongest hero to ever come out of Marvel or DC. In the first Avengers film, he even clocks in the least amount of screentime among all the non-Hawkeye superheroes. He doesn’t make his first appearance until the movie is already forty minutes old and drops out of the action for a while in the middle after the attack on S.H.I.E.L.D. Could it be that his presence is too comforting? We don’t worry as much about Loki or alien invaders with him around.

Not only that, the word Thursday literally means Thor’s Day in Old English. We’re not going to get a Batday or an Ironday any time soon. And Thor 2 wasn’t great, but it was still a lot better than Batman and Robin.

Batman and Iron Man might be a little bit outgunned, in every sense of the word, on this one.

10 Brains

You can name quite a few real life, very high profile examples of people who were born into obscenely wealthy families and still turned out to be very, very dense. And that’s why you have to give it to Tony and Bruce. For all their advantages, for all their money, they’ve earned their place in the world.

No less an authority than we here at Screen Rant have already take a look at the intelligence of these two superheroes. Bruce Wayne is an expert in a wide range of subjects and there’s seriously nothing more satisfying than becoming Batman in Rocksteady’s Arkham trilogy, going into Detective Mode and hearing him say things like “There’s a chemical compound in this residue that can only be found in a single orange grove over in southern Florida” (Paraphrasing). We ranked him the third most intelligent superhero, Iron Man had to make due with seventh place.

However, Tony often calls himself a futurist. He can’t see into every potential alternate reality like Dr. Strange, but he can anticipate and solve problems before they’ve even happened. So he actually probably would have an advantage in a chess game with Batman, but we’d like to see their battle of wits play out in other venues as well.

9 Understudies

Iron Man and Batman are the loftiest ideals for every child fantasizing about being a superhero. They are what you could be if only you had unlimited money and unlimited access to tomorrow’s technology. Spider-Man is something that seems attainable. Who’s to say that science won’t advance far enough to turn you into a superhero? Who’s to say that you won’t become smart enough to figure how to whip up your own batch of web fluid, so long as you stay in school and study hard?

Spider-Man: Homecoming was one of the most creatively successful superhero films in years, not only because it captured the feeling of Spider-Man being an ordinary ground level superhero, but because it placed him in a universe already populated by massive larger than life figures such as Iron Man. Although he had something to aspire to and he wanted to please Tony Stark, his day-to-day concerns were easy to relate to.

If Iron Man has Spider-Man, we suppose Batman has Robin, and even that’s not nearly the same. It sucks that Robin’s parents passed, but at least he’s got resources.

This meme is a bite sized encapsulation of everything we just brought up. Iron Man and Batman have all the toys and money in the world. Spider-Man has to make due, but he’s kicking ass all the same.

8 Overhead Costs

Let’s get into the weeds a little bit. The folks over at MoneySuperMarket.com have broken down the actual cost of being Batman and Iron Man, and if you’ve got superhero ambitions, this infographic is going to bring you crashing down to Earth.

It would take obscene wealth to become Iron Man. You don’t really think about the four jetpacks in his costume and a nuclear power source in his chest until you see a breakdown this clean. The $110 million dollar cost of a single suit is over half the budget of Iron Man 3 in its entirety, and that movie is essentially just a story about Tony Stark trying and failing to get into a long series of Iron Man suits. It’s one to have one suit, but what about all those duplicates?

On the other hand, in direct comparison, becoming Batman seems like a perfectly attainable goal. Especially if you make your own cape and decide that maybe you can live without the Custom Graphite Cowl. But then, almost as an aside, we find out that Batman’s vehicles (which we assume encompasses the Tumbler, the Batwing, and the Batboat) together cost $80 million dollars. Maybe you could leave those out, but what would a Batman story be without any bat-vehicles?

It’d be 2011’s Game of the Year Arkham City. Point taken. Keep that dream alive!

7 Predecessors

It’s fun to go back to your childhood and discover strange parallels between old and new fandoms. Darkwing Duck never particularly came across as a parody of Batman specifically, but he lived in a kind of mock heroic version of the same playground the Caped Crusader was occupying at the time.

Something that never occurred to us is whether Darkwing Duck’s frenemy Gizmoduck was a send-up of Iron Man? The similarity must have occurred to the writers and the animators at some point, but Iron Man wasn’t quite the commodity that Batman was in the early 90s. We’d already had the two Tim Burton films, and Batman: TAS was redefining what we thought a superhero cartoon could be. Iron Man and Gizmoduck may just be a coincidence.

Iron Man comes out on top surprisingly often in the memes we’ve gathered up, but seeing echoes of Batman in an early 90s show like Darkwing Duck does remind us that he may be winning the war. He’s been in the public consciousness for a very long time and you can’t take that away from him.

But here’s the real takeaway from this meme, the 90s was a fantastic time for animated superhero shows. Batman: The Animated Series was great. Darkwing Duck was great. Spider-Man: The Animated Series was… another show that we watched.

6 Grammar

For the grammar obsessives among us, keeping track of superhero names is a nightmare. Batman is already a word, so that one’s easy. Iron Man is very clearly enunciated. But why did they put a hyphen in Spider-Man? Who has the time to remember hyphens?!

This is something that has not escaped the attention of an artist with the nom de plume of CuttingRoom over at DeviantArt. As he puts it:

“I’m not sure why different heroes do it differently. Is Batman more bat than Spider-Man is spider? By making Iron Man two words, is Tony Stark trying to put distance between his machine and his humanity? Who knows? I do know that I love super heroes, and I love grammar. So that’s something.“

CuttingRoom has managed to channel this madness in a healthy direction, and has given the world this wonderful piece of fanart. This is technically a Spider-Man vs. Batman meme, but even though Iron Man is supposedly the impartial referee here, you can tell that Tony is itching to wade into those grammar wars. These three heroes had better be careful, if their fight gets too violent they might wind up in the hospital with all sorts of broken participles and dangling modifiers.

5 Reputations

This meme is elegant in its simplicity. It’s a perfect little illustration of the legend that has built up around Batman. An invincible green monster is roaring in your face, but Batman just has to point out he’s Batman and that’s all you need to hear to realize the playing field is equal. To say anything more about it would ruin it.

So we’ll go on a quick tangent. There weren’t any memes out there that directly compared Batman Begins and Iron Man 3, so we’ll shoehorn in this question before moving onto the next one; why was the Ra’s Al Ghul twist received so positively and the Mandarin twist so hated? It wasn’t all that different to have Ken Watanabe positioned as Ra’s, only for him to disappear from the story early on and have Liam Neeson reveal himself as the true villain. Arguably, Ben Kingsley’s performance as the unmasked Trevor Slattery is so hilarious it makes up for the feeling of “Wait, really?” and Guy Pearce winds up providing a formidable threat. Conceptually both twists are pretty much the same, was it all just in the execution? Or is the Ra’s/Ducard twist not aging well for fans either these days?

Let us know in the comments.

4 Expertise

Here’s an open secret no one wants to talk about: Batman is boring. Or rather, Batman by all rights ought to be boring. You’re not supposed to write a story about someone who has impossible mastery of everything. When you set aside his backstory, Batman is kind of a wish fulfillment character in the same way as James Bond, someone who always has the exact right gadget or skill set or tidbit of knowledge to allow him to survive a situation with ease. A scene in which Batman gets knocked over by a gunshot only to rise up with his wings spread wide is practically guaranteed once per movie. The Batman series is at its most compelling when it either leans into the fantasy, like in the Arkham games, or when the stakes revolve around the future of Gotham City more than Batman himself, like in the Nolan movies.

Batman listing off what he’s good at is impressive, but Tony may have secretly already won this particular war.

Iron Man certainly has a particular set of skills and his suit can take an awful lot of punishment, and when he’s costumed we rarely fear for his life. So you’ll notice that Robert Downey Jr. puts in a lot more face time in the movies than the Iron Man mask. This lets Tony’s charisma shine through and, frankly, makes him more of a dynamic character than Batman often is.

3 Children

The best thing about this strip is the tiny “Hn” that is Batman’s only line in the whole thing. It’s a testament to how much Batman has penetrated our popular culture that we all know exactly what that “Hn” sounds like.

The idea of either Batman or Iron Man with a child is very alarming to us. In a previous list, we mentioned that Bruce does indeed have children that he’s raising to fight crime, a pretty horrifying thought that has never been explored on the big screen. You would hope having another human to care for may let Batman begin to heal as he finds someone to fill the void left by his parents, but anyone with hobbies like that has a few problems to work out.

We cannot find any evidence that Tony has a kid outside of an alternate universe or a dream sequence. So this cute (at first) comic strip shows us what might happen if Tony Stark as he currently is took in a child. Look at how adorable Iron Kid is. It only makes the dark ending even funnier. The artist has a few other pieces of fanart that cast Batman as sort of the exasperated straight man putting up with Stark’s antics. We only went with the one image but check out the rest of B-Smitty’s work right here.

2 Real Life Children

Ooh, we were having fun up until now, but this one gets Real. Movies are movies, but this picture is liable to make a grown man weep.

It’s the most common late night talk show anecdote in the world, beloved celebrity fathers whose kids are less impressed by them than the rest of the population. Judd Apatow’s daughter doesn’t think he’s funny, Bruce Springsteen’s kids had other musical heroes, and even Barack Obama’s daughters never particularly looked like they were awed that their father was President. Robert Downey Jr. can hold his head up high, he’s the latest in a proud tradition.

All kidding aside, there’s no reason to assume that his son isn’t also a fan of Iron Man. That kind of binary, “You love Marvel or you love DC” attitude only really comes from a particularly vocal, particularly intense section of the Internet. But Robert’s son walking around in with a Batman shirt and a Batman belt buckle was sure to kick up a bit of a hornet’s nest and Robert Downey Jr. looks as though he knows it too.

And we see evidence of a trend among Marvel fathers, take a look at Chris Pratt and his Captain America loving son. That’s just adorable.

1 Actors

Life was pretty good for Christian Bale at the 2011 Academy Awards. That legendary video of him shouting on the set of Terminator 4 was a distant memory, he’d played Batman twice and was getting ready for a third, he’d just won a Best Supporting Actor Award for The Fighter. And Iron Man was there to see it.

Bale and Downey Jr. were photographed chatting together outside the theatre and all seemed perfectly cordial between them. Why wouldn’t it be?

But that didn’t stop us from having a bit of fun contrasting their pleasant interaction with fan art of their characters facing off.

Nowadays, the picture drives home something poignant; we may very well see Batman and Iron Man together on the screen someday, but it won’t be with the two actors who arguably played the biggest role in legitimizing and popularizing the comic book film genre. Bale has long stepped away from Batman and although we can only guess at Downey Jr’s future after 2019’s Avengers 4, there is a certain appeal in the idea of seeing him go at the height of his popularity. If nothing else, it’d give him more time to take on some more daring or comedic roles like Tropic Thunder.

Let’s keep a candle lit in our collective souls for Marvel and D.C. Presents: Batman vs. Iron Man. But if it never happens, these two characters individually have already given us so much.

—

Who do you think would win in a fight? Batman or Iron Man? Let us know in the comments!

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#BatmanDay: The strange but true history of Harley Quinn revealed!

Margot Robbie as Harley Quinn in Suicide Squad (Photo: Warner Bros.)

Editor’s note: The original version of this story ran in July 2016, as Harley Quinn was about to make her big-screen debut in Suicide Squad. With Saturday designated as the annual Batman Day, and DC celebrating by giving Harley a co-starring role coinciding with her 25th anniversary, we thought it was the perfect time to revisit our first-hand account of the strange origin of one of DC’s strangest characters from the man who dreamed her up.

  ________________________

In the early 1990s, Paul Dini was a writer for hire, cranking out scripts for the ground-breaking, noirish Batman: The Animated Series, when inspiration struck. For a story called “Joker’s Favor,” Episode 22 of the show’s first season airing on Sept. 8, 1992, a previously unseen character popped up in the background. She wore distinctive jester garb, cracked one-liners and earned the ire of the Clown Prince of Crime, with whom she had some unstated relationship. Harley Quinn was born. Dini picks up the story…

It was always understood that the Joker was going to have a rotating gang of hench-people, everybody from street thugs to circus-type people — whoever we needed at the moment. And for this one, I wanted to give him a female hench-person, because I felt it would fit the tone of what we were doing. It hearkened back to the Adam West series in the ’60s where you’d see the Riddler with Jill St. John or the Penguin with a young moll… and we thought it would be fun to do a modern-day twist on that.

Harley was a glorified background character in her first appearance in Batman: The Animated Series (Clip: Warner Bros.)

I was looking for a name and thought “Harley” was a good one.  I’m a big one on puns or names that describe what a character is — it’s something that goes back to Charles Dickens… I thought “Harlequin” was an interesting, fun kind of a character and I split up the name — Harley Quinn. It was cute.

The idea for the character came from several sources, and Dini envisioned her fitting a certain Hollywood trope.

I was working at home on some other projects and I had doodled up a drawing of this crazy blond character in a miniskirt. I based her on [I Dream of Jeannie star] Barbara Eden. A 1960s blonde in a miniskirt.

Dini’s original Harley Quinn sketch refers to her as a “1940s screwball, Betty Hutton, Gloria Grahame, Claudette Colbert with an attitude.” (Image: Paul Dini/Warner Bros.)

I remember bringing it in to Bruce [Timm, the lead artist and co-producer on Batman: The Animated Series] and saying, “What do you thing of this?” And he looked at it and went, “Ooh. I think we can do better.” And he put my drawing aside and came up with something that was very sleek and very elegant; something I think he put a lot of heart and soul into. When I saw that first model, I said, “That’s perfect.” She combined a sense of fun and impishness. You could tell she was a gymnast or maybe a ballet dancer just from the way he drew her — up and ready to move.

I saw Harley as a wise-cracking Girl Friday-type character that you might have seen in a ’30s or ’40s screwball comedy. I like the fact that she could crack a joke and the henchmen would laugh, and the Joker would kind of glare at her. It gave the scene a Punch and Judy quality of one-upmanship.

I also based her in part on my friend Arleen Sorkin — who wound up doing the voice — who has that personality of the very snappy, wisecracking, bubbly blonde. She was on TV a lot at that time, on Days of Our Lives and a show called Duet playing largely that character.

Arleen Sorkin, with her own Louisville Slugger, as Calliope on Days of Our Lives (Photo: Joseph Del Valle/NBC/Getty Images)

So when I came up with Harley, I asked [Arleen], “Do you want to do the voice?” And she said, “Yes.” We brought her in — it was her first voiceover and she did a tremendous job on it.

Watch Sorkin on ‘Days of Our Lives’ in the character that helped inform Harley:

  But I really didn’t have plans for the character beyond that episode.

Although she was intended as a one-off character, Dini couldn’t shake Harley. The rest of the Batman brain trust also became smitten with the burgeoning Maiden of Mischief and soon enough, she was back on the show.

There was something about the character. We thought she was a lot of fun. We didn’t want to do every Joker story with her in it, because we didn’t want to overuse her or make it just about the two of them — because the Joker has to be a credible threat when he’s on his own — but thought every couple of episodes, it wouldn’t be bad if she was part of the regular group.

Blessed with Sorkin’s squeaky, Brooklyn-accented pipes, Harley perfectly channeled Dini’s sense of humor. She also developed a few early catchphrases, including endearing nicknames for the Joker.

Every time I wrote her, I tried to think of funnier things for her to say to expand her role a little bit.

“Mr. J” was a natural because that made her a wisecracking blonde. “Puddin’” came from that lunch with Bruce, where he just said she should have a really goopy [nickname] for the Joker. And we both hit on it. “What about Puddin’?” “Oh, Puddin’ is great.”

As Harley became a key member of the animated series, DC took notice of her growing popularity and decided to transition the character to the comics. But she didn’t leap directly to the pages of the main DC Universe continuity; instead she appeared in a book based on the show.

There was an issue of The Batman Adventures, No. 12. And that was the first time she showed up in comics. … It was an all-girl story with [villain] Poison Ivy, Harley and Batgirl taking center stage. It was a way of using characters that had popped up in the animated series in a comic book.

Harley’s first comic book appearance (Image: DC Entertainment)

Working hand in hand with DC, they saw all the episodes first, and they were able to see all the scripts as they came in, and it was able to dovetail pretty closely to her teaming up with Poison Ivy in the animated series. They saw what we were doing with her and they liked it. She showed up in The Batman Adventures book first, and then Bruce and I came up with the “Mad Love” story. Then she began showing up more and more in the comic books.

“Mad Love,” a one-shot 1994 special issue of The Batman Adventures, established the origin story for Harley Quinn. For the first time, we learn that Dr. Harleen Quinzel was an intern at Arkham Asylum where she fell under the sway of the Joker and busted him out. She adopted the persona of Harley Quinn in an attempt to win his favor.

I’m no stranger to therapy. I was spending some time in therapy and was in my head a lot around that time. Bruce and I were discussing her origin one day over lunch, because I had been approached by DC to do a special issue of the comic, and we were talking about what if there was some sort of surprise to her origin? What if she’s not just a hench girl? We came up with the idea that she had been a doctor at Arkham Asylum and the Joker had gotten into her head and worked her into being his follower. … Then we thought, what if Harley’s in the role of the long-suffering girlfriend?

Harley’s origin story is revealed in ‘Mad Love’ comic (Photo: DC Entertainment)

There was also an element of the fans who write to a prisoner who committed a terrible crime and say, “I understand you… I see the good in you,” and sometimes develop a relationship.

It didn’t take much effort for Dini to come up with Harley’s real name.

Let’s think. Harley Quinn. OK, what’s easy? Arleen does her voice, we’ll put an H on the front. What’s [Arleen’s] middle name? Frances? We’ll use that. Harleen Frances. And then Quinzel. I knew there had to be a name that shortened to Quinn. I had a teacher at Emerson College named Quenzel — spelled slightly differently. Dr. Quenzel, or Professor Quenzel — I changed the spelling of the name, and I’m sure he’s not even aware of it. [We attempted to contact George Quenzel to find out if he had any inkling of his role in Harley’s origin, but the professor passed away in 2012.]

By the end of “Mad Love,” Harley is broken both physically and emotionally after being abandoned by the Joker. As she’s locked into her own cell at Arkham Asylum, she decides she’s through with her beloved Mr. J forever, only to find a flower and a note from him. It’s the start of a demented relationship.

She’s still into him. That growth is hard. For a person who’s really codependent or whose self-esteem is dictated by how they think other people think about them, they’ll take a crumb of affection and turn it into a whole cake. So Harley could swear off him and be very strong, but If there’s even the hint that he wants her back or he’s reformed, she’ll go back.

Joker and Dr. Quinzel meet cute in animated version of ‘Mad Love’ (Clip: Warner Bros.)

When I did the first comic book that placed her in canon in the Batman universe, she really has Joker at her mercy at one point. She’s going to send him to his death and she goes, “I’m gonna kill you, and I’m gonna make my life right again.” He’s hanging by his fingertips and he says something like, “Would it help if I said I’m sorry?” And she goes, “Yeah!” We play it for a laugh, but I wanted to share there’s some tragedy involved with making these choices. I think that had that continued with the character going along that way, she wouldn’t be as popular. I think at some point, she has to wise up and go, “This guy does me no damned good. I am a doctor after all and I do see what he’s doing. They’ll always be something in my head that feels something for this guy at some level, but I have to value myself more than he does.”

I also see the Joker as like Pygmalion. He never knew that he’d fall in love with his own creation. I think more than loving who Harley actually is, he loves what he turned her into. I think he viewed Dr. Harleen Quinzel an art project almost. “What can I make of this? I’m going to get her to break me out of the asylum, but am I going to bump her off? What am I going to do with her here?” And then she far exceeded his expectations to the point where he’s like, “Hey, wait a minute…” He actually did fall in love with elements that he brought out in her. But he’s still an abusive jerk.

Eventually, Harley did try to forge her own path in the cartoon and the comics, often paired with another Bat-villain, Poison Ivy.

We had also established Poison Ivy as a character on her own, and I thought, “What if she and Poison Ivy teamed up — it might be a fun story, where a strong female character brings something strong out of somebody who’s not as strong.” And then we wound up with the two of them being friends. And that became its own dynamic. The more we used Harley and the more we used her in different roles, the more we discovered what a richer character she was; she just blossomed, in a very short time, to the point where she was just as interesting as Catwoman or Penguin or Ra’s al Ghul or one of the other core Batman characters.

For a long time I thought, “What if we just did a Harley show? What if we just do her off on her own? Can I do a short with her where she’s just a manic presence?” At one point they were doing these DC Showcase Shorts … and I thought, “What about a solo Harley short that has no dialogue, it’s just her causing trouble to music? Almost like a weird Fantasia sequence where we show her as this crazy sprite. The idea never got further than that, but I kept pushing to make her a solo character independent of the Joker and Batman.

She started out as one thing and morphed into another. Mickey Mouse is not the same guy steering the steamboat and squeaking, and Bugs Bunny has gone from being a nameless rabbit to an iconic character. Same with Harley.

In 2009, Dini launched the Gotham City Sirens comic book, focusing on Harley, Ivy, and Catwoman. When that book ended its run in 2011, as DC was preparing to reboot its entire comics line, Dini’s clown princess faced an uncertain future.

I was afraid she might be in mothballs, but no. I was really excited when the New 52 came out, and she was so prominently featured. They did a solo book on her, and the Suicide Squad was going to use her. She was also such a prominent element in the video games. Suddenly she was everywhere.

And with anticipation for Suicide Squad at a fever pitch, Harley is about to go next-level…

About two years ago, I found out she was going to be in the movie. It was one of those things I just heard about. “Harley’s going to be in a movie.” Wow, that’s pretty cool. In talking casually with friends and peers, I said that someone should do a solo villain movie to really establish their presence in the DC Universe and show why they’re credible threats to the heroes. We know who Batman is. We know Superman. Now do a villain movie. When I heard they were doing Suicide Squad, introducing everybody except Lex, who was in [Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice], I thought, “Good job.” It makes good sense to establish the key bad guys. And when I heard Harley was in the mix, I was going “Oh man, terrific.”

I’ve seen the trailer and some of the photos online. I love the color scheme. The candy-colored look. [Margot Robbie] looks great. Entertainment Weekly shows up on my door with the two of them on the cover [Robbie as Harley and Jared Leto as the Joker] and I think, “That’s so cool. That’s the live-action extension of the cartoon right there.” I have in my house the painting from her first comic book in the DC Universe… and she’s leaning back against the Joker. And I held up the cover [of Entertainment Weekly] next to it, and I said to myself, “15 years later, here’s what they’ve morphed into.” They’re still together and it’s still the iconic look.

Covers of Entertainment Weekly and Harley Quinn No. 1 (Photo: Entertainment Weekly; DC Entertainment)

_____________________ Paul Dini is an Emmy-winning writer whose most recent work, the graphic novel Dark Night: A True Batman Story, tells the harrowing tale of his brutal mugging and struggle to overcome his demons.

Paul Dini (Photo: Alan Weissman)