#this book is making me think that if i didn't feel any empathy at all (value neutral quality) i'd have succeeded in customer service

[yuikomorii]

Nahh fr I'm in for the shu slander. I also never understood the "poor bby he lost his bff now he's all alone" ok? So are the others, they are alone just like him and also had it worse(ik I'm comparing them but it is a fact).

Maybe shu stans also see him as a challenge, he swear he will never have someone special again but guess what! You can change him! Sure, ayato has the same concept(and others like him) but just a glance at ayato and you know he doesn't mean it, but shu? Hoho so you're approaching me xdd

We know ayato likes takoyaki, but never shows it in your face like shu does w his sleeping schedule. Every single time I see shu he's either sleeping or yawning, and at some point he began to annoy me xdd he's just predictable ig? He doesn't really has a personality, all I know about him is that he sleeps and plays violin sometimes.

When he smiles from the bottom of his heart I'm like🤨🤨 I just can't believe someone so lazy like him(who won't show any kind of empathy w/o counting the ends of his routes), and also someone who didn't do nun when he found out his brother killed his mom(or at least I think he didn't but considering that reiji is doing well shows shu never cared about his mom in the first place), has feelings.

I like his looks tho. He has this prince vibe he gives off, well he is a prince xdd

// I’m not necessarily slandering him because as I said previously, I do like Shu but I was just stating facts there?^^”

I do feel like the DL and the otome fandom babies him way too much. It was confirmed in a DL book that Shu is the most sadistic out of them all and I’m really questioning how he got this way. Losing a friend won’t make you suddenly that bad, you know. As you stated, everyone is alone, it was mentioned in Subaru’s MB route that none of them got any friends. I do agree that he can be quite challenging, or maybe people like him because they feel like it, with no specific reason since that’s something that sometimes happens.

All Diaboys dislike being alone; solitude, after all, hurts. Shu doesn't want to make anyone special because he is afraid of losing a loved one, which is expectable given that humans aren't immortal. What matters is cherishing every moment with that person and forgetting about the depressing things for the time being. Taking into consideration that you mentioned Ayato, the reason he doesn't want to make anyone special is that he believes that even if he is in love with someone, there is no chance that person will love him back. Ayato's MB route demonstrated that he knows deep down that no one will ever love him, as evidenced by his reaction when Ruki literally told him, "That's why nobody loves you!". Maybe I'm just biased, but I find Ayato's situation far more tragic because Shu is fully aware that he can get anyone, that he's attractive, and that he has a good status, whereas there are characters who are extremely insecure about themselves (Ayato and Subaru for example).

I can't say Shu's feelings aren't genuine, but I do agree with you that, unless we count animals (or Yuma), he rarely empathy outside his routes. I don't recall him ever reacting to Beatrix’ death either; I mean, it wouldn't have been necessary, but she was his mother after all, and she didn't even treat him that badly throughout his life. Ayato cried after killing Cordelia, and she hurt him and his brothers far more than Beatrix. I know that apathetic people exist but something deep down surely must hurt you after hearing such bad news.

[aishathetaurus]

This episode... First of all, I predicted, like a lot of us, this kind of episode. She was feeling contractions in the last episodes, so of course she's gives birth in this one.

Usually I have a thinkpiece after every episode (and I'll still manage to write one regardless), but I don't even know what to say? June is far more forgiving and graceful than I'll ever be.

If I was June, with everything she went through, I would've left Serena for dead. I can't imagine leaving the baby as they're an innocent party, but I would've let Serena die.

Serena was so worried about the Wheelers finding her she didn't think about immigration coming after her ass the second she stepped foot in that hospital... I didn't either. It seemed obvious as soon as Luke said he called them. Of course, she would have to deal with immigration whether Luke called them or not. She left the little area that was considered Gilead, so of course, there's consequences. Its not like as a citizen of Gilead she was ever allowed to roam free.

A part of me expected she'll be able to seek refuge, but her staying in that... embassy/fertility clinic/with the Wheelers was her only hope. This reality makes far more sense than the one I imaged... There's no way Canada would ever accept a literal war criminal in their graces... especially when they're exiting and entering the country illegally when she's barely welcomed in the country in the first place. Besides, when seeking refuge they ask "will you be prosecuted for being a woman?" and as a wife, a widow with a baby to be specific, I don't think she could've answered honestly? She would've had to lie to access the refugee status. Which would've been silly considering who is she is and how wives are treated is generally known, at least amongst those who put in the time and energy to study Gilead and government officials.

Anyway, hearing that her child being taken from her would've been good enough for me. Luke did the right thing calling immigration. I also understand why June was looking at the situation confused on how to feel. Its complicated. All of this is partially Serena's fault, but she was so a woman in Gilead... its complicated. I kinda get it.

Though the killing of Commander Putnam was pleasing... I will say this is one of the better episodes so far. Everything felt so subtle and calm, but so much was said and represented in this one episode. The level of empathy... unbelievable... astonishing. I think the child's name being Noah is foreshadowing. Maybe his birth and the situation Serena is in will be what brings these two countries together, possibly for the worst. Anyway, the way they were able to make Serena having her baby taken away into a sad horrible moment after there was so much hope... wow...

Also, I'm predicting some Luke hate for this episode... just like any episode where Luke shows up... I genuinely feel like the show's refusal to truly address race in all of this has led to a harsh and kinda racist fandom. I think a lot of you, who I'm assuming are mostly white women, have no idea what kind of fear Luke, a black American man, must be living through during all of this.... Keep in mind, Gilead is racist. Its been hinted a few times in the show, but in the book... Gilead is violently racist... Black and nonwhite women aren't wanted as handmaids. They're killed or sent to the colonies. I feel like that's implied whether it was touched on in the show or not, but it must be said. There are so few black men in the show, because they're just killed. Do you understand?

He called immigration, because it was the right thing to do. He didn't come in and ruin everything because that's just what he does. He was doing the right thing based on the information he had, and even if he had more information he still did the right thing. He has never had the time or space to be gentle with his wrongdoers the way someone like June or Serena has... This being a hard time for women, doesn't erase the reality of how black people are treated. Imagine the reality black handmaids are going through. More than one reality can be true at once. Women being treated like slaves doesn't change the fact the country Gildead was built on was built on race based slavery. The hints are few and far inbetween, but the show has made is clear the nonwhite people are still not welcomed in Gilead. They casually glossed over a family requesting only white handmaids a few season back. Racism is still a thing. Brutality based on race didn't change. Luke is doing everything he can in a world that was literally built to be against him. He's doing great.

Obviously, there was context there that would show that the situation isn't what he thought it was, but why the fuck would he pause and consider the possible context when the woman that helped imprison, enslave, and rape his wife is literally sitting around waiting to be plucked? He did the right thing. Get a grip.

[galaxyedging]

Writer appreciation/350 followers celebration/general out pouring of love.

Feeling super overwhelmed from the Fanfiction Writer Appreciation Day tags (I didn't even know it was a thing.) and from the tags/likes/reblogs/comments/followers in general. Rather than replay individually or rush to make my own writer appreciation post, I thought I'd show my appreciation for everyone and explain why I appreciation you all.

TL:DR version you make my neurodivergent brain happy and I love you all.

Long version...

I make no secret of the fact that I'm neurodivergent. It's in my bio, my work. Let me give you a little insight into what that means in my brain.

There's a myth about Autism and lack of empathy. I empathise just fine. I can pick up on people's emotion and motivation. I can unpick behaviour. What I do struggle with it putting myself in other people's minds.

I know that I think about other writers and mutuals but I can't get my head around that they think about me. Poor Theory of Mind plus low self esteem makes it really difficult to accept that you see me they way I see you guys.

I also struggle to getting to know people, I always relate things that people say to something about me. I'm not trying to make it about me, I'm trying to show that I understand. I also info dump about my interests. It's kind of like me going "Here, here's what I like. This is me. Now show me you." I'm trying to connect.

I know that these can be seen as annoying personalitly traits. I'm aware when I do them but they tumble out anyway and I cringe about it later, even though I shouldn't because they are perfect valid ways to relate. See above about self esteem.

Enter Tumblr, where we just basically just go "This is me. Is this you too? Let's be friends. Let me info dump my hyperfixations all over you. Let me bathe in yours." Plus there's not pressure to be present my mind can wander with I'll talk to people here. I'm comfortable in my own home while I do. It's such a low demand way to connect to people. I can retreat from my real life to relax for a bit without isolating myself.

It is really a gift to me and you are all the ones that had created it for me. Thank you so much. I enjoy all our interactions.

Thank you to the amazing writers who make these incredible world for me to escape to. Your talent and passion shine through in your work, you should be immensely proud of yourselves. I love how supportive you all are. I see than some people on here have written books, some have maybe written a short fic or two but I've never seen any division. We are all writers and we all support each other. Thank you for just being awesome people.

Thank you for all the work that you guys create, the talent that you share with us, the gifts that you share.

I'm not just talking about creators. Some of you are gifted with the ability to say the nicest things. Thank you for the positivity you give out. Thank you for the support and love when my brain doesn't want to give me the happy chemicals, or recycles them to quickly (Cheers ADHD).

Thank you for the tags, the inclusion, the advice. Thank you to the avid follows who make me feel special.

Most importantly to me thank you for allowing my conditions, that in a neurotypical world are seen as weaknesses, be what they really are, strengths. Thank you enjoying what my creative, hyperfixating, super charged brain can produce. Thank you for making me feel at home.😘

And most, most importantly, thank you for the Pedro-tonin.😜

Tags @kirsteng42 @babydarkstar @prolix-yuy @thegreenkid @hquinzelle @fangirl-316 @gracie7209 @jedifarmerr @doommommy @scorpio-marionette @sturkillerbase @harriedandharassed @aynsleywalker @mswarriorbabe80 @quica-quica-quica @misspearly1 @aynsleywalker @micheleamidalajedi @supernaturalgirl20 @pedropascalsx @i-love-movies @ellenmunn @movievillainess721 @amneris21 @littlemousedroid @charnelhouse @oonajaeadira @leslie-lyman @blueeyesatnight @brandyllyn @adancedivasmom @pix-writes @ithinkwehitametaphor

and everyone else. Sorry if I forgot a tag, my memory isn't my strong suit.

[wondereads]

Personal Review (10/09/22)

Percy Jackson and the Olympians by Rick Riordan

This is another one of my full series reviews! As such, there are spoilers for the books scattered around in here, so proceed at your own risk!

The Lightning Thief 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

This book is the blueprint. Seeing or hearing the phrase "Look, I didn't want to be a half-blood" makes me froth at the mouth. This is the perfect introduction to the series; it sets the tone, introduces the basic worldbuiding, and builds up some amazing characters. This goes for all the books, but Percy is an incredibly likable protagonist that still has his flaws. His introduction is amazing, and we know from the start that he's a struggling kid that tries his best and comes to find himself as a demigod. The Lightning Thief is only the first book, but it has a great plot twist that has a ton of impact on the rest of the series, plotwise and emotionally. It's one of the best first books I've ever read, resolving things while still having that overarching plot to continue off of.

The Sea of Monsters 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

The second book is generally considered the weakest of the series. Don't get me wrong, it's still an absolutely amazing book, but compared to the others it is missing thing. My theory is that it doesn't contribute as much as the other books to the grand scheme of things. The biggest development is at the very end; the rest of the story is interesting but ultimately unimportant when it comes to tying into the other books. However, it does introduce Tyson, an amazing character, and it establishes the empathy link. I just think that if there were any of this series that didn't quite meet the standards for a 10 it would be this one.

The Titan's Curse 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

Ok, this one is my personal favorite. There are so many developments in this book. We get to know Thalia, we meet characters like Nico, Blackjack, Bianca, and the Hunters, and the relationship between Percy and Annabeth develops a lot. This is also the turning point of the series where things get a lot darker. In this book, we have the first death of a major character, and it's done very well. The characters react accordingly, there's fallout after the fact, and Percy in particular has a lot of survivor's guilt. It's done in a way that keeps it appropriate for the target age group while still imparting the gravity of the situation. We also get to see Percy in a more authoritative position. Up until this point, he's been the one receiving orders and being cared for, but his interactions with Nico in particular put him in a position of authority that he's going to be expected to fill more and more.

The Battle of the Labyrinth 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

I think this book is the best for the side characters. Annabeth and Grover in particular really get to shine. Annabeth finally gets her own quest in the labyrinth while Grover is continuing his search for Pan. Other than The Lightning Thief, this book might have the most worldbuilding in it. The labyrinth is a great tool for seeing new pockets of mythology in the US that have previously gone unnoticed. Also, this is one of the most comedic books in that Percy interacted with no less than four people who had crushes on him and had no idea. Going back to the side characters, Nico and Rachel got some amazing development, and while you'll know something's up with Quintus, I doubt you'll be able to guess what it is (I actually totally forgot about it so I got to be surprised all over again). Also, Mrs. O'Leary my beloved.

The Last Olympian 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

I have read this series multiple times, but I was still grinning like an idiot the last twenty pages of this book. This is an amazing conclusion to the series! It's suitably grand, a battle with very high stakes, and the character development is top notch. Percy finally feels secure and content, Annabeth's family issues, biological and found, are resolved, Grover has a plan for his future, and Luke is... there. Sorry, I hate Luke. It also does a really good job of setting up the sequel series without detracting from the finale. The perfect end to a near perfect series!

The Author

Rick Riordan: American, 58, also wrote The Heroes of Olympus, The Kane Chronicles, and Magnus Chase, created Rick Riordan Presents

The Reviewer

My name is Wonderose; I try to post a review every week, and I do themed recommendations every once in a while. I take suggestions! Check out my about me post for more!

[lizziestudieshistory]

Top 3 Authors on my Shelves - #top3authorsonshelf

I was tagged to do this by the wonderful @stefito0o! Sorry for taking a while to get to this (and I hope I'm doing it right?) 😅 I don't think my answers will be much of a surprised but nevermind

1. J.R.R. Tolkien

Anyone who's been around me or this blog for about 5 seconds will know how much I love Tolkien. He's the author I return to time and time again and always find something new to love. Reading his books, especially Lord of the Rings and The Silmarillion, feels like returning to old friends - and they have become old friends at this point. Tolkien's world enchants me, it fills me with so much joy and wonder when I open the pages of any Middle Earth book. I've had a lot of favourites wax and wane throughout my reading life - but Tolkien's Middle Earth is the one constant, the thing I'm always in the mood for, and I prize my Tolkien collection more than any other books I own.

2. Robin Hobb

Robin Hobb is an author who would not have been on this list 9 years ago when I first read the Farseer Trilogy. I enjoyed the series but didn't love it, however, when I returned to it a couple of years ago I fell in love and I've gone on to devour the rest of the Realm of the Elderlings.

Through this series Robin Hobb has taught me so much about myself, who I want to be, and about my relationships with the people around me - this can be both love, hate, frustration, and grief. There is so much depth and heart behind these characters, I feel so deeply connected to them - particularly Fitz and the Fool - and my world would be a darker place without them. (I'm still putting off reading the Fitz and the Fool Trilogy because I don't want to say goodbye to them!) Hobb is the best character and relationship writer in fantasy, and it just shows with how much I've connected to her characters over the last few years. She's a mature writer and requires a certain level of empathy to enjoy but she's stunningly profound.

3. Terry Pratchett

So where Robin Hobb has taught me so much about myself, Terry Pratchett has taught me about the world. His ability to encompass all of humanity in all our forms is astounding. He presents the world as it is and how we should want it to be with satirical honesty. Pratchett holds up a mirror to the world - particularly the world I know here in Britain - and shows us ourselves, warts and all, and STILL makes me remember the beauty in humanity.

Pratchett was an angry man, he saw the injustices in the world and wanted to change them. He used his characters (my particular favourite being Sam Vimes) to show us all the flaws in our worldview and made us reconsider them. But he showed us that anger and sense of justice through comedy. He makes us laugh while reconsider our (often deep seated) prejudices and change! I've never encountered an author who can simultaneously love and laugh at humanity quite like Terry. He's a man the world should mourn the passing of and I'll never get over not having another Pratchett book to read.

Tagging: @dooareyastudy @oneanxiousstudybuddy @dauen @therefugeofbooks @appleinducedsleep @howtophd and anyone else who feels like doing this!

[tomhiddelstonandzaynmalik]

FLUFF ALPHABET WARREN WORTHINGTON III X FEM READER PART 3

(part 1) (part 2)

A/N: HEY BITCHES, IT'S FINALLY FINISHED !!! This is the last part of the fluff alphabet and omg I thought it was never going to happen bc I've been busy doing life stuff and well my brain had been focused on some other stuff. Either way, here she is! hope you like it anddddd if you want me to do something in particular I'm down for it! I'll write about this birdboi or our beloved silverboi any time. xoxo

S - Support - Are they helping their s/o achieve their goals? Do they believe in them?

Your boyfriend is your biggest fan! Into his eyes, there is nothing you cannot do! Seriously, you are the most capable, powerful and decisive person he's ever met. Or so he thinks, Warren's perception of you can be a little love-clouded sometimes, which can get annoying because of how high the pedestal he's put you in can be. And it sucks because there had been numerous times, mostly at the beginning of your relationship, where all you wanted to do was to rant out about how, for example, calculus' final was driving you insane or how the newest move Mystic showed you was anatomically impossible, yet Warren's new-found cheerleadingness, even though well-intentioned, was pushing your buttons.

You had decided against saying anything to Warren in fear of accidentally hurting his feelings, after all, Warren being optimistic was a rare sight, and you sure didn't want to be the cause for him to shut down again, especially over just a dumb pet-peeve of yours. So you just let it slide until Warren started to notice how sometimes when he'd tried to lift your spirits up by praising you or degrading the seriousness of the problem, how obviously uncomfortable it made you. he never addressed the elephant in the room, again, he's more actions than words, so he simply stopped, or so he tries to.

He keeps it down a notch nowadays. Wich in itself is a titanic task for him because honestly he just can't help it. But he's working on it.

T - Thrill - Do they need to try out new things to spice out your relationship? Or do they prefer a certain routine?

Let's be honest. THINGS BETWEEN YOU TWO CAN NEVER BE SPICE-LESS.

Yes, I cannot stress this enough, Warren is a bird at his core. And just like birds, who thrive on routines, so does he. Therefore one would suspect a relationship with him would be doomed to become repetitive and boring. But they couldn't be more wrong!

It is this bird-like personality that pushes him out to pursue adventures quite often. There is nothing your boyfriend craves the most than freedom, so whenever things start getting too monotone the saying "feeling like a caged animal" cannot be more accurate for him.

Thanks to this, your relationship is filled with exciting and thrilling experiences, making up for those in-between more monotonous times.

U - Understanding - How well do they know their partner? Are they empathetic?

He has a keen eye for understanding people. What used to be a liability for him growing up, always investing himself in other peoples lives more than he should. Like the time 8-year-old, Warren managed to sneak out one of his mom's diamond necklaces for Vicka, his nanny, to wear at her College's graduation party. He knew how much money she had spent for her parents airplaine tickets from Danemark to New York and how she was barely making ends meet. And he also knew how his mom wouldn't notice if one of the hundreds of pieces of jewellery she owned magically disappeared for only a few hours. But she did. Without little Warren realising it.

He never saw Vicka again before that. The next time he did was the night she saved his life when he turned 14.

So yes, The Angel of Death is capable of empathy and understanding people's needs. Therefore it is to nobody's wonder he knowing you like the palm of his hand. He can read you like an open book, each and every mannerism of yours, the way your head tilts to the left when you are curious about something or to the right when you are in disbelief of anything. How you always raise your voice the slightest when speaking to Peter, thinking it will make him pay attention to what you're saying instead of losing his focus (it barely works but you can't help to keep doing it) or how it becomes softer and almost motherly when speaking with Kurt.

V - Value - How important is the relationship to them? What is its worth in comparison to other things in their life?

He knows exactly what it is like to have it all and lose it all. But has never thought about what it would be like for him if you were suddenly out of the equation. And quite frankly, it isn't something he likes to think about. So he doesn't, even the thought of it sends shivers down his spine. Warren Worthington III became was the universal heir to a generational wealth which, after his parent's death granted him the title by Forbes of "The richest man under 30 years old".

Yet he would burn each dollar, shred every painting, smash every statute, destroy all the cars and properties he owns if having to choose between having all that or you.

W - Wild Card - A random Fluff Headcanon

Warren loves waltzing with you at any given time and at any given place!

Growing up Warren used to spend most of his nights on Galas, state dinners, balls and many more black-tie gatherings. Therefore it was a necessity for his mother her child had the best dance instructor from an early age. As he grew older Warren took a liking for dancing, mostly because of the amount of praise he will always get from his audience. the way he effortlessly swang through the dance floor was impressive enough for his mother to wonder whether or not her son should take his hobby to a more professional direction.

He hadn't realised just how much he missed dancing until he moved into Xavier's. To be more precise, during the New Year's Eve party. It was 11:50 PM, dinner was over and the newly made dance floor was already packed. You never took your boyfriend as the dancer-type of guy so when he pulled out his hand for you to take, guiding you straight to the centre of it, you were beyond surprised.

He danced with you even after you had ditched the high heels and Warren his tux jacket and bow, after the music had died down and everyone had left, you kept softly waltzing until the first rays of the sun from a new year hit your tired yet content faces.

From that day on, Warren love dancing even more.

It was one of the very few things he was never self-conscious of. It never bother him when people stared because if he was being honest, each time he twirled you around the mansion's kitchen or swirled with you in the foyer, the world seemed to evaporate.

X - XOXO - Are they very affectionate? Do they love to kiss and cuddle?

ABSOLUTELY FUCKING YES.

Everybody knows your boyfriend isn't someone to joke with, even after having his horseman wings removed Warren remained with an imposing presence. Everywhere he goes places go silent, people hunches down and children stare. Perhaps it's due to the spiked leather garments, face tattoos and punkish hairstyle alongside his aloof attitude. It's not like it bothers him though, he loves it! This is why he is not wailing to let go of his "bad boy aesthetic" for a pair of doe eyes and a cute smile.

Or so he used to say.

This was one of the main reasons why he established the rule of keeping the PDA to a minimum when you started dating. But each time his body ached for your gentle touch after he had to detangle himself from you whenever someone burst in into the common room, or how he would miss the warmth from your lips when he had to let go of your embrace because he felt some staring eyes or how he would still crave for the relaxing feel from your fingers scratching his scalp after he forced himself up from your lap because he heard approaching footsteps. He cursed himself for having such a stupid rule, each and every single time.

So he ditched it!... Partially, he's still slightly reluctant about it (thank his upbringing for this) but at least he won't yerk up from the couch he had been napping on next to you every time he hears a foreign voice.

Y - Yearning - How will they cope when they’re missing their partner?

Warren loves you and adores spending time with you. Yet he also cherishes his solitude.

Life in the streets can make anyone overly independent, in the end, if you don't look out for yourself nobody else will. Although it's a great skill to have, it might come across as an inconvenience sometimes, especially in the "relationship field". One of the main reasons why it's hard for them to be in long-term relationships is due to their inability to ask for help of any kind, they will get overwhelmed by their loss of privacy, the need to think about two instead of one, the pulling and stretching boundaries all the time, etc. And Warren was not the exception.

But neither were you.

This is why he felt so drawn to you, to begin with. Even way back to when you two first met, you never pushed it. Never impose yourself on him, never stick around longer than he was okay with. Always allowing him to be the one to decide whether or not he wanted to prolongate his time with you. Until he realised that, the brief chats in the hallways became all-nighters on the rooftop, the sporadic movie nights and picnics near the lake were now a weekly ritual, and what he believed would be a once-in-a-lifetime experience, the morning he woke up next to you instead of all by himself, was now what he treasured the most at the beginning of every day.

Even when he cannot get enough of you, there are times when life becomes too much for him to handle, when even his own breathing pisses him off and the world is too bright and everyone is too loud. When he disappears. Sometimes for a few hours, sometimes for a few days, but he always comes back, back to you. Because even when he needs his alone time, he needs you more.

Z -Zeal - Are they willing to go to great lengths for the relationship? If so, what kind of?

Warren is the biggest simp ever to simp. To him, there are no impossibles when it comes to you. Without exaggerating, your man will kill and die for you! THAT IS IT! No need for explanations, he has killed before so it is obvious how he won't hesitate to take the life of anyone who would put yours in danger.

In conclusion, what I'm trying to say is: the sky is the limit, there is nothing he wouldn't do for you.

[onenicebugperday]

Hi! I'm currently working on an essay on anthropomorphism, particularly how it relates to the portrayal of bugs. It's a tricky subject, since anthropomorphism can provoke feelings of empathy towards beings the viewer normally wouldn't care for, but it can also create some harmful perceptions, like assigning human motives to certain actions (like vilifying wasp aggression).

I'm studying animation, and love bugs (while some others around me despise them), so it's pretty important to me to try and strike a good balance between accuracy and relatability - I wouldn't want to lie to my audience about why they should appreciate and care bugs, after all.

That aside, are there any pieces of media - TV, film, games (though I know you personally aren't a gamer), etc. - that you or your followers would say sparked an interest in bugs for you, or otherwise had some impact on you? Any that portray them particularly positively, or negatively that come to mind?

Thanks for your time, have a nice day!

I think in the case of bugs, they're so hated already by the large majority of people that, in my opinion, any positive image in media is a good thing, even if it assigns human characteristics/emotions to them. That's an easy way to make people empathetic to them and is not generally harmful. But I do also think any media portraying them in a positive light should be as scientifically accurate as possible (allowing of course for artistic/fantasy interpretations). There is no shortage of fun, interesting, and adorable facts about bugs to work into fiction, so I don't think it needs to be made up to be positive, if that makes sense. Ideally, creators would take real bug attributes and find a way to make them cute or relatable, especially for the more vilified and misunderstood bugs like wasps and spiders.

For me, I liked bugs before I ever saw them in any media, so it didn't really influence how I felt about them, but one that comes to mind that was a super positive portrayal was James and the Giant Peach, both the book and the movie. Especially because he's got a spider, centipede, and worm friend, and those are not often portrayed positively.

I'd love to hear what other but media inspired people, so everyone feel free to comment!

[plan-d-to-i]

(google translate again, yeah)

(I forgot to thank you for the last answer, I really didn't know that the drama used the music of my compatriot, it was a pleasant surprise for me)

I don't know if anyone has asked you this before, but do you think JC was good with WWX as a kid?

I mean not just their childhood, but the time of their training in Gusu.

I really love JC, and I understand perfectly well that he is the most dick in character, but I love him precisely during my studies at Gusu, I can not give any arguments that then JC was directly GOOD to WWX, but he is clearly cared a little about him and even ... worried? at least that moment after the punishment where JC helped WWX get to the room...

Yay - I'm so happy to hear about Stravinsky :)

Hahah loving jc as the dick that he is is the way to do it! go for it. :) also, sorry this was so delayed I wanted to reread the Cloud Recesses arc so it would be fresh in my mind before answering.

In terms of jc the Cloud Recesses arc is perhaps the most 'mellow' we see him aside from the Lotus Pod Extra but for me it's still impossible to find him a worthwhile person. I can already see the faults in his character that I know will only get worse as he grows older. Canonically I don't see how he would have any friends studying in the Cloud Recesses if he didn't come as a package deal w Wei Wuxian. I mean I doubt jiang cheng would have any friends without WWX period. In fact jiang cheng doesn't make any friends over the course of 13 years. He's also unable to find a wife bc of his temperament and behavior...

What we can glean about their relationship in the Cloud Recesses arc (and even the Lotus Pod Extra) is that any time WWX gets a kind word or understanding from someone, jiang cheng scoffs at it. Any time someone shits on WWX, jc is there to agree, to relish the idea of WWX being punished, and shit on him some more. He would be an immensely exhausting person to be around. He doesnt believe in WWX's ideas and ingenuity, (as NHS does for example), he doesn't believe WWX is hurt, he always assumes the worst of him, he doesn't believe LWJ might like WWX. The only thing he ever seems to believe is that WWX will dishonor YunmengJiang and that WWX should be punished. So for a kid who supposedly wants his father's approval so badly he instead constantly acts like his mother's mouthpiece/minion. He reprimands WWX like he's trying to become Madam Yu 2.0. I see jc stans all the time being like oh he had to keep WWX in check bc WWX was such a lOOooose canon, for the good of the Clan!! lol listen JFM didn't give a f...about WWX's behavior (in his letter to LQR) why are you so concerned? JFM would have preferred for jc to try & save his peers in the Xuanwu cave or at least to understand why that was the correct course of action rather than for him to just sit in front of the class in the Cloud Recesses and tell WWX off for giving LQR as good as he got, while actually still breaking the rules himself but eschewing punishment.

salt up here, quotes below :

Even when Nie Huaisang picks up on the fact that WWX is being treated unfairly by LQR, jc dismisses it and piles on WWX instead.

Nie Huaisang said, “Old Man Lan really seems like he’s coming down especially harshly on you. Every time he reprimands someone, it’s always you.” Jiang Cheng grunted. “He deserves it. What kind of answer was that? He can get away with saying that sort of nonsense at home, but he had the nerve to say it to Lan Qiren’s face. He was practically asking for the old man to kill him!”

But does WWX get away with ANYTHING in Lotus Pier? When we know he is punished constantly for EVERYTHING? This is jiang cheng fully being his mother's mouth piece. It's not something WWX would get away with, it's something jc knows JFM wouldn't mind. Which is why he's so pissed off. Which begs the question if JFM would not be upset with WWX's behavior why does jc need to criticize him? Again :

A dark expression shadowed Jiang Cheng’s face, and his voice was filled with anger. “Why are you so proud of yourself? What is there to be proud of?! Is being told to get out some amazing accomplishment? You’re making our entire clan lose face!”

and his glee at the idea that WWX will be punished leaves a bad taste in one's mouth considering how WWX was perpetually punished in Lotus Pier by jiang cheng's mother for... existing.

Jiang Cheng smiled grimly. “Now that you’ve thoroughly offended both Lan Wangji and Lan Qiren, you’re basically dead tomorrow. No one’s going to clean up your corpse either.”

and again

Without the old one, only the young one remained. This would be easy to deal with! Wei Wuxian rolled off the bed and laughed while putting on his boots. “Heaven’s charmed clouds are blessing me with shade.” Jiang Cheng was beside him polishing his sword with loving care when he decided to spill cold water over Wei Wuxian’s head. “Just wait until he gets back. You can’t escape punishment.”

Where others like NHS see value in WWX's thoughts

Nie Huaisang thought for a while. “Actually, I thought what you said was very interesting,” he said, not entirely able to hide his envy and yearning.

jc is always dismissive of WWX's ideas. These are inventions that WWX realizes. Demonic cultivation in the first conversation and The Spirit-Attraction Flag and The Compass of Evil in the second:

“Enough,” Jiang Cheng warned. “Whatever nonsense you spout, you better not head down that sort of dark road.”

-

Changing the topic, Wei Wuxian said, “If only there was something like fishing bait that could draw the water ghosts in. Or, something that could point in the direction they’re hiding, like a compass, that sort of thing.”

“Lower your head and watch the water,” Jiang Cheng said. “You’re letting your fantasies run wild again. Concentrate on looking for water ghosts like you’re supposed to.”

“Hey, mounting swords and flying was also only a fantasy once!” Wei Wuxian said.

He's also a hypocrite. Because even though he berates WWX for misbehaving, he himself breaks the rules. He drinks, he even goads WWX into buying liquor, the only difference is that he doesn't get punished for it, and he doesn't feel like coming forward and getting punished for it :

Naturally, Jiang Cheng was too embarrassed to talk about what Wei Wuxian had been up to. After all, all of them had egged him on to go and buy alcohol, and they all deserved to be punished as well. He could only speak vaguely. “It’s nothing. It’s nothing. It’s not that bad! He can walk. Wei Wuxian, why haven’t you gotten off yet?”

It's no wonder WWX is so impressed by LWJ's integrity in spite of his social status, when he's clearly used to the other dynamic :

“Lan Zhan, I really admire you,” Wei Wuxian said sincerely. “After I told you that you had to punish yourself too, you actually did it. You didn’t let yourself off at all. I can’t argue against that.”

A dynamic which is shown repeating in the Lotus Pod Extra where WWX is the only one to get punished for sunbathing, and which repeats here when Wei Wuxian here stops jiang cheng from confronting Zixuan over YanLi's honor (and jc's) and does it himself.

Zixuan :“Why don’t you ask what about her could make me satisfied?” he said in return.

Suddenly, Jiang Cheng rose. Wei Wuxian pushed him away and stepped between them, smiling coldly. “You think you’re very satisfactory? As though you have the right to be so picky!”

Zixuan: “If she’s unhappy, then let her break off the engagement! I certainly don’t cherish your wonderful disciple-sister. If you cherish her so much, why don’t you take it up with your father? Doesn’t he love you more than his own son?”

After hearing the last sentence, Jiang Cheng’s eyes narrowed, and Wei Wuxian was no longer able to contain his own fury. He flew at Jin Zixuan, his fist raised.

WWX takes the punishment alone. Same way he offers to do when he hurts himself falling from a tree because jc threatened him with dogs. meanwhile jc is gleeful to see him being punished.

[Wei Wuxian] was kneeling on the stretch of pebble road to which Lan Qiren had assigned him when Jiang Cheng walked over from afar and mocked him. “You’re kneeling so obediently.”

“It’s not like you don’t know I have to do this all the time.” Wei Wuxian’s voice filled with schadenfreude. ��But this Jin Zixuan guy, there’s no way he hasn’t been pampered and spoiled rotten since birth. No one’s ever forced him to kneel, I’m sure of it. If he doesn’t wind up crying for mommy and daddy today, I’m not named Wei.”....

Wei Wuxian "...It’s a good thing you didn’t do anything.”

“I was going to. If you hadn’t pushed me away, the other side of Jin Zixuan’s face would be hideous too.”

“Stop it. His face is uglier for being lopsided."

WWX is happy to have spared jc from getting into trouble but jc makes the whole thing about himself anyway (like everything else ever) and is upset JFM would rush over for WWX - in his mind. Even though JFM clearly had to rush over to meet with Jin Guangshan not to coddle WWX in any way.

"Jiang Fengmian had never rushed to another clan in less than a day because of him. Regardless of whether what happened was big or small, or good or bad." Never

WWX on the other hand tries to be observant of jc's feelings and reassure him & distract him from his moods :

When Wei Wuxian saw Jiang Cheng’s melancholy expression, he thought he was still upset with what Jin Zixuan said. “You should leave. You don’t need to keep me company any longer. If Lan Wangji comes again, he’ll catch you. If you have time, you should find Jin Zixuan and watch his pitiful kneeling.”

Later in the book after nearly dying in the Xuanwu cave WWX leaves his sick bed to run after jc and comfort him after his mother's rant, even though WWX had to listen to his parents (and himself) being slandered by YZY. jc doesn't spare any thoughts for how other people might be feeling or suffering. His entire perception of the world is centered around himself. To him even WWX's greatest fear doesn't generate empathy, only amusement or later on a form of torture.

From that point onward, they made trouble everywhere together, and if they encountered a dog, Jiang Cheng would always chase it away for him, then enjoy a peal of derisive, unbridled laughter at Wei Wuxian’s expense beneath whichever tree the boy had leapt atop.

he grew up on the streets, often having to fight for food with vicious dogs. After several bites and chases, he gradually became extremely scared of all dogs, no matter the size. Jiang Cheng laughed at him because of this quite a lot of times.

This brings me to the last point. jc's resentment of WWX's interest in Lan Zhan, or in a serious friendship outside of him. I see so many ppl say that bc WWX fought he was kicked out of the Cloud Recesses early... but was he?

Jiang Cheng was somewhat taken aback. “Lan Wangji? What was he doing here? He still has the nerve to come see you again?”

“Yeah, I think his bravery is laudable if he still has the nerve to come see me. His uncle probably told him to check on me and see if I was kneeling properly.”

Jiang Cheng’s instincts were sending him ominous signals. “So were you kneeling properly?”

“I was then,” Wei Wuxian replied. “But I waited for him to walk away a bit, then took a tree branch, lowered my head, and dug out a hole in the dirt near me. It’s the pile right by your foot—there are ant tunnels there. It took me so much effort to find them. Anyway, I waited for him to turn back and see my shoulders shaking. He had to have thought I was crying, so he came back and asked. You should have seen his face when he caught sight of the ant tunnels!

“…” Jiang Cheng said, “Why don’t you just get the hell out and go back to Yunmeng? I bet he never wants to see you again.”

Thus, that evening, Wei Wuxian packed up his things, got the hell out, and went back to Yunmeng with Jiang Fengmian.

Repeatedly throught his stay in the Cloud Recesses even while NHS was observing that LWJ's behavior around WWX was strange and unique, jc was telling WWX he is hated and bothersome. When WWX wanted to apologize to LWJ jc is completely dismissive of it :

“He hates me already? I was thinking of apologizing to him,” Wei Wuxian said.

“Oh, so you want to apologize now? It’s too late!” Jiang Cheng said derisively. “He’s exactly like his uncle. He thinks you’ve been wicked ever since you were an embryo, so it’s beneath his dignity to pay you any attention.”

Later on when WWX mentioned wanting to invite LWJ to Lotus Pier jc categorically says no.

“Jiang Cheng had on a stern expression, “Let’s make this clear. I don’t want him to come, anyhow. Don’t invite him.”

BONUS

jc also always doubts WWX. He suspects him immediately of wrongdoings. He doesn't believe that getting hit with the discipline ruler in Cloud Recesses actually hurt him until LXC confirms that WWX might take more than a few days to heal. He doesn't understand WWX is in actual trouble from the Waterborne abyss and assumes he's fooling around luckily Lan Zhan is there to rescue him:

The disciple’s lower body had already been swallowed by the black whirlpool. It spun faster and faster, and he continued to sink deeper and deeper, as though something hidden beneath the water was pulling down on his legs.

Mounted on Sandu, Jiang Cheng had risen calmly until he was about sixty meters above the whirlpool before he looked down. Filled with displeasure at what he saw, he shouted and dove down. “What are you up to now?!”

The suction force inside Lake Biling grew ever stronger. Wei Wuxian’s sword was optimized for agility, and consequently, its strength happened to fall just short, and they were nearly pulled to the surface of the lake. Wei Wuxian steadied himself and held on to Su She with both hands.

“Someone help! If I can’t pull him up soon, I’ll have to let go!” he shouted.

Suddenly, the back of Wei Wuxian’s collar tightened, and his body was lifted into the air. He twisted his neck and saw Lan Wangji holding him up with one hand.

He maintains this same mindset when he tries to whip LWJ and WWX as they're attempting to leave Lotus Pier after the ancestral hall confrontation when WWX passes out.

Is jc evil in the Cloud Recesses ? No. He's just an annoying, basic, disagreeable asshole who doesn't bring anything positive to someone like WWX. People like jc become obsessed with kind, outgoing, generous people, people who don't set boundaries on what they give and what others take in their friendships. Even though they're dependent on them for their social interactions, because who else would socialize with them willingly, they resent them in equal measure, but at the same time they wouldn't be drawn to another selfish, self centered piece of shit person like themselves.

On a personal note, even Cloud Recesses jiang cheng is someone I would exclude from any personal friend group. Friendship with him is adding a minefield of jealousies and snide comments to every interaction. Things that then others will need to compensate around because he won't compromise or empathize w issues outside of his own concerns.

Translation source : x

[bookwyrminspiration]

Her teachers and classmates didn't like her very much (which I think is unrealistic but that's another rant

I saw this in one of your posts, and I wanted to know what you meant by it? I think I could understand her classmates disliking her, or at the very least avoiding her, but I guess it makes sense that the teachers would probably be at least fond of her.

Okay okay okay so!! I have thoughts on this--and these are all my personal opinions/critiques of the situation, so you are fully welcome to disagree with me entirely this is just me!! that being said kinda ranty post ahead so here's your warning if you don't want to read that!

Her being disliked is set up almost immediately with, "[Her classmates] weren't exactly fans of their resident child prodigy" (pg 5, book one). But I find it incredibly hard to believe that Sophie, a high school senior going to a typical school as far as we know, would be hated by everyone. Going with a typical high school, she probably has like seven different classes and a few hundred people in her grade (senior). If my numbers are off it's because I don't go to a typical high school and am basing this off what I loosely know about my partner's high school.

But either way, you're (general you, not you specifically nonsie) telling me that out of the 100+ people Sophie sees on a regular basis and goes to school with, all of them hate her? None of them like her even a little bit? And on top of that, her teachers as well? Maybe Mr. Sweeney was just a bad teacher, but we certainly didn't see any other comparisons where she had a nice one. I find it incredibly hard to believe that all of Sophie's classmates and teacher's disliked her. This is a 12 year old amongst 18 year olds who is clearly uncomfortable and anxious and doesn't want to draw attention to herself, and you're telling me not a single person in that school empathized with her?

here's the fun thing about humans: they've got empathy built in. And if they don't have it preprogrammed, they notice it's what other people do and find ways to connect to achieve similar results (meaning you can be kind and caring without being empathetic). Humans are naturally inclined to group together. They find people like them and form groups. When we see people not caring for each other or people in need we tend to think something's wrong with them. Like Singer's pond example: if a child fell into a pond and starting drowning and a witness didn't do anything and yet was fully capable of helping without loosing something of equal or greater value, we would think they were wrong! that the correct and natural response was to help! that's an extreme but take that general idea and apply it to Sophie ehre

It think that if in the real world Sophie, a 12 year old among 17-18 year olds, would be cared for and looked after by at least a few if not the majority of her peers. Some of them could be bullies, yes. I'm not saying everyone has to love her, but I think at the very least there'd be a few students who were nice and looked out for her because that is a child. People aren't inherently mean and awful. If they weren't friends with here they'd be nice to her and try to make her feel comfortable and welcome because she's so out of place.

As someone who has been in classes with people older than me, ranging from a grade above to entire adults with kids while I was 14, people were not mean! yes, not all of those situations were high school and some adults might be more mature, but also! There were 17-18 year olds! Also in that class! And you know how me and the other 14 year old were treated? Same as everyone else.

People don't automatically hate the kids who are ahead. At most they just...ignore them. And not because they don't like them but because they have no reason to interact and are focusing on their own work. A 12 year old high school senior may be unusual, and they might be disappointed that they don't get the benefit of curved grading, but I don't think they'd dislike her as intensely and Shannon seems to be making them. Sophie might not fit in with them but that doesn't mean they'd all hate her.

And the thing with the teachers?? I have yet to meet a teacher who sees a super smart student and hates them for it. I think Mr. Sweeney was an outlier. Teachers with kids younger than they usually teach are so nice! They like it when you succeed and hope you'll do great things! The vast majority of them are nice to kids like Sophie and encourage them. And you're telling me that all of Sophie's teachers were rude and unlikeable? It's never stated that they were all awful but we only ever see Mr. Sweeney as an example. I just don't believe that all 7 of Sophie's teachers were jealous that she was smarter than them.

Based on my own experiences as the resident star student at every school/class I've been in, everyone hating her just doesn't feel realistic. Some people aren't going to like her, yes. There are going to be students upset they aren't at the top or that she busts the curve. But all her classmates and teachers adamantly disliking her? Sorry, but I don't believe it.

I think a few students would instead look out for her, be nice and ask how she's doing. And if they don't, then they'd be friendly with her and amicable. Those that don't interact with her would stay concentrated to their own friend groups and work, not silently judging a smart 12 year old. Humans care for each other.

And I think her teachers would be doting and look out for her and recognize how out of place she seems and try to make sure she's alright. They'd want her to do well and be happy to be part of her education and help her.

I just!! ahgaue!! Instead of being the hated social outcast for being smart, she'd at most be the social recluse who just doesn't talk to people but who everybody knows. They'd be friendly with her in passing and leave her to her own devices.

Maybe I've just had really good experiences but I simply don't think that an entire senior class would dislike her.

[septembersghost]

Hi! I just wanted to say that as someone who also struggles with depression /anxiety disorder, suicidal ideation, self-esteem issues and CFS (plus ADHD on top of that lol) I understand how hard and frustrating it can be to go through everyday life, and painful to the point where fiction (TV shows, music, books) becomes the only source of solace and comfort. No matter what anyone might say, our attachment or love for them isn't somehow less because they are imaginary. You're valid, ad your feelings are absolutely valid too. I'm sorry to hear you're struggling with insomnia and isolation as well, and I'm sorry to hear about your dad. I wish him to recover soon, and also hope that you and your family will be okay. You're a very brave, a very strong, kind and sweet person, you also have a brilliant, insightful mind and I'm honored to know you (even if it's just in a virtual Tumblr space). Your blog has become my source of comfort too, in time of especially trying and anxiety-filled days. I'm wishing you all the best and sending you lots of hugs and lots of love ❤️ May September bring you joy and peace. Be safe.

sweetheart 🥺😭💕 this is incredibly kind - i teared up reading it, and my mom asked me if everything was okay, so i let her read it and she cried too! good tears though ;___;

thank you very much for your thoughtfulness, and for sharing your own struggles and understanding with me so openly. it's hard to fully explain sometimes what it's like living with certain conditions to people who haven't experienced them, but knowing others get it and that we're not alone is a source of solace, even though i wish you didn't have to go through that and that it could be alleviated for you. 💙 and of course the physical difficulties impact the mental ones, then vice versa, it's such an interconnected cycle. it's especially difficult to grapple with those things when they're "invisible" - no one can see you're hurting or ill, but that doesn't mean it isn't real and often exhausting.

what you told me is the same i would say to you - you are completely valid and worthwhile and deserving, and your thoughts and feelings matter, and your love for fiction and art is absolutely real and consoling. the tag i use, "the consolation of imaginary things," is only half a quote. the full quote is: the consolation of imaginary things is not imaginary consolation. those comforts are SO important, not only because they give us escape and something to love, but because they make us think, they exercise our empathy, and even when we might be isolated in other ways, they provide us connection to one another. the grace of having a link to someone like you is entirely because of a story that we love! that's amazing, i truly believe there's a magic in that. it's so wondrous that we can meet and know one another - even if the space is virtual, it's real too! we're expressing ourselves and writing instant letters to one another. i consider that a constant blessing in my life.

i'm so grateful and touched by your lovely words and well wishes, and it's an honor to know you too. if my silly little blog can provide you any comfort, it makes it infinitely more meaningful to me. there is such a sense of joy in that and it reminds me how worthwhile it is to be here. you all certainly bring light to my days! i wish the same joy and peace to you, and i hope september wraps you up in warmth and contentment and happy moments! please remember you're welcome to stop by any time and that i'm sending love and the biggest hugs back your way.

[boldlyvoid]

Intro to Criminal Minds: Why They Did It

Criminal Minds x MINDHUNTER AU

Spencer Reid x Margaret Carr (OC)

Part 1: Ed Kemper.

Summary: Spencer is teaching a 7-week seminar on the most interesting criminal cases, explaining their actions to understand why they took place. Only, not everyone in the audience is a student.

warnings: graphic details of a real rape and murder case, like every trigger in the book, applies to this fic so read with caution (if you watch either show you're used to it, however), it's all real and did actually happen and I don't support any of it. strangers to lovers, mutual pining, flirting, fluff, eventual smut, idiots in love, OC is Wendy Carr's daughter, her bio father is Jason Gideon

word count: 3.9K

He'd be lying if he said he wasn't having fun teaching.

He started with guest speaking, moving to special seminars a few times a year. But he wanted something more, settling for a 7-week criminal justice elective of his choosing.

Intro to Criminal Minds: why they did it. Giving Spencer an excuse to share the most intimate facts about serial offenders in a setting where no one could tell him to shut up.

14 students total signed up for the two-hour Seminar, taking place every Thursday at 11 am from September until Halloween. Over the 7 weeks, he would explain the fascinating insights of the most successful killers in the United States. Only asking that his students write about a prolific crime they find interesting by the end of term, for their full grade.

All he wanted was to read about obscure killers from around the world, from the perspective of aspiring profilers.

The first Thursday, he came prepared with his coffee a half hour before the class. He wanted to write the main points on the whiteboard in advance, nice and neatly.

To his surprise, a student was already there waiting for him. "Oh, hello,” he smiled softly.

She was sitting with a book in her hands, she pushed her glasses up her nose to look at him as he walked in. She was older than his typical student, around 35. Probably finishing up a degree or adding something to what she already had.

"Hi," she smiled at him. “Sorry, I’m early, I was visiting my mom at Quantico earlier.” She explained. "I'm not a teacher's pet or anything. Promise, I’m not even a student.”

It made him laugh slightly, correcting him like she read his mind. "It's okay, I'm Doctor Reid," he introduced himself softly.

“Margaret Carr, Peggy is also fine.”

"Pleasure to meet you," he said quickly before focusing his attention on the whiteboard.

He could feel her eyes on him the whole time he wrote, not wanting to turn around and catch her. "That's so interesting," he heard her mumble under her breath.

"Hmm?" He turned around.

"It's just that, everyday occurrences that never phase the regular person somehow cause psychopaths to kill," she read the board back to him.

"I was reading a study a while back about how psycho killers medulla oblongata is approximately 19% smaller than the average human’s. Based on the way they're nurtured as children affects if they grow up to kill. The ones that don't often end up in law enforcement and other positions of power where their psychopathic tendencies can come to play."

He was taken aback for a moment. He had never experienced a student who was like him before. Someone who just pulled facts into conversations like it was nothing.

"I read that as well," he smiled. "It is fascinating. The smallest amount of bullying and abuse from a mother or disappearance of a father figure can set them off."

"Or, on the other hand, there are people like Ted Bundy," she added. "He was well-loved and taken care of, but it went to his head. His god complex and affinity for lying led him to be incredibly charismatic and enabled his killing."

"You're very educated on this already; are you just interested in hearing me speak today?" He asked, not wanting her to leave, finding it interesting that she was there.

"Oh," she blushed. "I was going to talk to you more about it after the seminar actually."

“Okay, I’ll be waiting for you,” he felt a little giddy at the prospect.

"Thanks," she laughed. "Seriously though, I'm a big fan of your teaching style, I saw a few of your classes when my dad was teaching at the academy in 2005. It's a lot easier to remember facts if the lecturer genuinely loves what they're talking about."

"You're going to like this Seminar then. It’s basically just a way for me to get paid while unloading all the random facts I have,” he warned her with a smile.

"I know." She smiled back at him.

The rest of his students filed in slowly. By 11 am, 14 faces were staring back at him.

"Hello," he waved awkwardly. "I'm dr. Spencer Reid. For the last 12 years, I've worked with the FBI's Behavioural Analysis Unit. Catching serial offenders across the country."

He took a deep breath, letting the nerves find their way out of him. "I've been asked time and time again who my favourite serial killer is, which is a peculiar way to phrase the question. It feels morally wrong to have a favourite in the way people do with baseball players.

"I am, however, fascinated with several serial offenders' reasoning and explanation for why they did what they did. Every single killer is different, but it all comes back to 1 thing. Do you know what that is?"

They all shook their heads. “What is your relationship with your parents like?" He asked. 

Everyone in the room reacted; some students sighed, some rolled their eyes as they recalled their parents and childhoods to memory.

"When a person decides to kill, it's often never in the moment. It's in childhood. The majority of serial offender's stories start the same; their mother didn't love them, their father left. Someone at home abused them or put them down repeatedly."

"Thus, causing a hatred so primal to bubble. No matter how hard they try and fight it, the bubble always bursts. They go from fantasizing to killing in retaliation for their abuse, taking the anger out in stages."

He referred to the board. "Every killer has a stressor and a trigger—something that causes the urge to bubble and the event that causes the bubble to rupture.”

"Edmund Kemper is a fascinating example of this. He grew up with a family for the first few years of his life before his father fully abandoned them. His mother handled the situation by turning her anger onto her son; it was his fault his father left, he looked just like him, Ed was just another useless man who would never amount to anything," he emphasized the words. Hoping the class sees the effects words have on children.

"He started by cutting up dolls, stealing his sister's barbies and cutting their heads off. In his mind, he was getting out his anger and hatred for how his mother saw him. She hated men, causing him to mature with a warped idea of what women are truly like."

"His attraction to killing worsened his mother's hatred; she could tell something was wrong with him, that he didn't react to everyday situations the way he should. By the time he was ten, she was locking him in the basement for days on end, telling him he was a monster and her biggest regret."

"The change in her rage amplified his own. He hated hearing her speak. He hated the way she walked around, thinking she was better than him. That just because she was a mother and a working woman, she deserved respect and submissive’s. All he could see was a woman with a big head who needed to be humbled. This is the moment when the psychotic side of his brain blended his hatred of his mother with how good it felt to kill."

"Is that why he, you know?" Peggy cut in, running her finger along her neck as she pretended to cut her head off.

He pressed his lips together in an awkward smile, nodding. "His signature, as it's called, was decapitation. But more specifically necrophiling the severed head of his victims."

The whole class let out a disgusted noise, Peggy and Spencer making eye contact while they shrugged, it wasn't news to them.

"At age ten, he moved from barbies to cats and dogs, never leaving them around for his mother to see. While he hated her, he was also absolutely terrified of her. Breading a special type of killer. When you think of school shooters or preferential predators, what do they have in common?" He asked.

He pointed at a student in the back. "They have a specific type of victim they’re after?"

"Exactly. Most serial offenders want to go after the cause of their pain or attraction. However, Ed wasn't able to kill the source of his rage for a long time. His mother mentally abused him so intensely that he believed she was in control of him and that her opinion of him mattered. He saw her as his God, he loved her, but he also knew that he disappointed her.

"He ran away soon after to find his father. Travelling to California, only to be told he was unwanted there as well. It wasn't just his mother that his father was escaping; it was the fundamental aspect of family that he didn't want. Ed defiantly didn't want to go back to his mother after that, so he moved in with his paternal grandparents."

He kept catching the looks on Peggy's face. She knew the story already, waiting patiently to hear the words he chose to make the horrific acts seem a little more conversational.

"His grandmother was exactly like his mother. If I had to guess, his father most likely had a distaste for his own mother and thus divorced Ed's mom. Only he never grew up to be a killer, just an absent father—his absence doing to Ed what never happened to him."

"Ed killed his grandparents when he was 15. Telling the police and his therapists that they had beaten him constantly, they refused to feed him and called him names. He said he snapped from the trauma; it was self-defence."

Peggy laughed to herself, making him smile softly. "Sending him to a mental hospital instead of a juvenile facility was the worst thing they could've done for him," Spencer added.

"Why?" A student asked.

"Ed is a psychopath." He reminded them. "He doesn't feel empathy the way we do. You can admit that you feel bad for him, yes? If you understand why he killed people, it doesn't make you sick, like him, it makes you human. You see a hurt person hurting others; Ed Kemper sees himself as a new sort of God, choosing who dies, how and when."

"He was brilliant, having the exact IQ as I do," just a humblebrag, "the staff trusted him. He looked like an innocent boy, smart enough to take matters into his own hands for the betterment of his life. They gave him computer privileges, they let him work the front desk and file patient information. Giving him all the resources to learn about who he was inside and how to get away with it perfectly."

"Damn," another kid added. "When did he get out?"

"At 21.” He answered the student quickly. “Ed was interviewed by my mentor Jason Gideon, in the 70s. Where he explained that being locked up during his sexual prime, as well as the access to information, is what truly set him off more than his mother.

"He moved back in with her and his sister when he came out of the institution, immediately returning to the constant ridicule. He went from being told all the time that he was a smart and charming young man, capable of rehabilitation to a useless, no-good son, who would have been better off collecting in a condom or running down her leg."

The whole class laughed, shocked at his repetition of Ed's mother's words.

"He got his licence when he was released. And remember, this was prime time for hitchhiking in California; everyone and their mother walked the roads with a thumb in the air. It was the birth of free love and recreational marijuana usage. It was also the best hunting ground for a learning serial killer."

"He was able to pick women up, but like I said, missing his sexual prime while in an institution made him almost impotent. He didn't know how to speak to women; he had to create a fantasy in his mind every time, one that involved killing, before he could look at a woman."

"How did he get them in his car then?" A voice asked from the back.

"He was 6'9, 300lbs; he looked like a big teddy bear. And his mother was the local college administrative assistant, so the whole town knew him anyway. If Ed offered to give them a ride, it wouldn't be that bad, right?" Peggy turned around to face the class as she explained for Spencer, who just shook his head.

"He only wanted to rape the victims, originally," Spencer added. "But he couldn't. There was no release of the tension. The bubble that had been growing inside him was at its breaking point; he needed to just do it. Get it over with and move on."

"He killed 6 women in succession after that. Gaining the name "The Co-Ed Killer," well before anyone even suspected Ed Kemper," Spencer took a sip of coffee, feeling his throat start to dry as they reached the insane part.

"He was overly friendly with the cops; he wanted to get his record expunged and join the force.” Spencer finally continued. “Being told, "don't worry about your record, worry about your weight.""

"Most killers enjoy wearing a uniform for the power and talking to the police about their cases, in the hopes of gauging how smart they really are—taking pride in the fact that they are getting away with it for so long."

"He watched all the cop shows, and he read all the books. He knew that in order to get away with it, he had to do it where no one could trace it back to him. He knew he had to keep his cool and avoid looking obsessed with the case, but just curious enough to gain insight into how they thought he was doing it. It went on for years, and they had absolutely zero leads, finding headless bodies every few months before they finally received a call." He left them hanging, walking over to his sheet of paper and pretending to read it while they anticipated the catch.

"Ed always knew that he wanted to kill his mother. He just never knew when,” Spencer teased the story along. Noticing as the students fidgeted in their seats as they wondered what happened next.

“In his interview with Gideon, Ed said that he knew she would die 7 days before he killed her. He walked into her room that night to find her reading, with the audacity to ask if he wanted to come in and chat all night. Teasing him for the way he rambled to her. It was the last time she ever did that."

"It's hard to imagine his signature with the fact his second last victim was his mother," Peggy added, cringing at the thought.

"Wait," another student interjected. "Who was his last kill then if he only really wanted to kill her?"

"Remember how I said he lacked empathy?" Spencer asked. "He loved his mother in the same way a prisoner can end up loving their captor."

Peggy nods at the comparison, looking like she's never thought of it that way before, then smiling at him.

"You grow a bond through the trauma and when the only thing you've ever known is violence and hate, you don't know what to do when that's gone, it's hard to cope."

"He said he killed his mother so that she never had to know what he did. She'd never have to sit at his court hearings or be able to tell the media that she always knew he was a killer."

"His last kill was his mother's best friend," He finally answered the question.

"He didn't want his mother to be even more disappointed in him, but he also didn't want his mother's best friend to find her like that and be upset. So the obvious answer to him was to kill her too."

"What the fuck?" He heard a couple of kids say under their breath.

"Yeah," he agreed with an almost chuckle. "This is what I mean by their answers are fascinating. It makes so much sense to them; clearly, if I kill my mother, her friend will be upset, so the best answer would be to put her out of her misery as well. He sees them as objects, like a matching set. One would lose value without the other."

Everyone was silent then. The students took in all the information they had just received, staring up at him with a look of disgust mixed with wonder.

"Any questions?"

Peggy raised her hand for a change; he pointed towards her in approval. "You missed the part where he specifically took the heads from the three women before his mother and brought them back home with him. He buried them in the yard outside her bedroom window, making sure they were always looking up to her."

Spencer was amazed that she knew the details. "Yes, I guess I did."

"I always found that part particularly interesting in this case," Peggy added. "Her opinion mattered so much to him. He knew how much she loved her co-ed's and how they looked up to her so much. They'd be exactly like her. He felt trapped in a town of women who were exactly like his nightmare, and his response was to make them physically look up to her for the rest of her life."

"Exactly." Spencer smiled. "understanding how he sees the situation and how the events played out in his mind is the key in figuring out who he is."

"If you were on the case in '72 when the first victims were discovered, how would you have handled it, Dr. Reid?" A male student in the back asked in the silence between answers, taking his shot before Peggy and Spencer went any further in their discussion.

“That's a hard thing to answer, connecting evidence back then was a lot harder than it is today, if it wasn’t for men like Ed there wouldn’t really be this many answers,” Spencer said honestly.

Another student put her hand up, “what’s the worst thing he did in your opinion?”

That racked his brain, there was a handful of horrific things he did that were particularly horrific, “probably his mother's entire murder.”

“What did he do?”

Before Spencer could answer he saw Peggy open her mouth and start explaining. “He not only cut off her head and fucked her neck, but he also took her vocal cords out and shoved them down the garbage disposal. And before he called the cops, he cleaned everything up and made her look presentable because he said his mother wouldn’t want guests to see the mess.”

The class all cringed, sinking into their seats with disgust. But that didn’t stop Peggy from explaining it all further.

“He used to go to a bar all the cops went to and he would talk about his case. They would always one-up themselves and say they were close which gave him this false idea that they were on his tail and they’d find his mother soon. But when they didn’t, he called it in from a payphone and said he’d come over and explain it all. And boy did he ever, the cops said he wouldn’t shut up. And then when they put him in the cop car finally, a woman walked past him and he threw up.”

Spencer watched her with awe, the way she could call information to memory like that was beautiful. He listened to her like he’s never heard a fact before, she was so intriguing.

“Thank you for the detail,” he teased her lightly. “Sometimes I get so caught up that the really gross parts get swept aside.”

The class smiled at him, he had gained their trust and attention within only 1 hour of class.

“I know you said you don’t have a favourite,” another student asked from the back. “I agree it’s weird, but who is the one you gravitate towards the most?”

“I’ve met hundreds of serial killers, I’ve read about thousands,” he explained. “I think Ed Kemper is the one I gravitate the most around because he was so willing and open to explaining why he is the way he is. Going as far as to say that the only way they could keep women safe is to give him a lobotomy. He didn’t believe there was any correcting to be done, only removal of the evil within him.”

He heard slight mumbles as everyone took in what he said. “Does anyone here have a killer or a case that interested them in learning more, or just introduced you to the chase of justice?”

Peggy put her hand up, “I personally think BTK is the scariest, most tactical, and just downright evil man to ever exist. He scares me to no end but he’s so interesting to learn about.”

“Ahh,” Spencer agreed. “Too bad you won't be here for week 3. But with that I think I’ll end the class, next week we’ll be discussing the difference between Ted Bundy and Richard Speck.” He nodded lightly, watching the majority of them close their books and had on out.

“I really enjoyed the class,” she said softly. Holding her purse in one hand, a collection of files in the other.

Spencer turned to look at her then, smiling right back. “It was a pleasure to teach alongside you.”

“What do you mean?” She teased, “it’s not like my mom and dad were the ones who did all the interviews."

“Carr,” he repeats her last name. The gears turning in his mind as he brings all the information forth.

“Your mother is Wendy Carr, she was recruited after the BTK case with Bill Tench, she’s who was behind that study you mentioned.”

“I know,” she smiled.

“Who’s your father?”

“Guess,” she looked at him with an unimpressed look on her face, pushing her glasses up slightly.

“You’re kidding? Gideon never said he had a daughter let alone a,” he stops himself before he can embarrass himself any further.

She smiled at the implication of his words, “but he’s told me all about you Dr. Reid, that’s why I'm here.”

“You need help with a case and I’m the only agent in Virginia currently,” he pressed his lips together awkwardly. Knowing it was too good to be true that she would have any interest in him in the slightest.

“No actually, I have a case I’ve been working on privately and I need some help. I asked my dad but he said you’d be able to help me the best. I agree,” she corrected him softly. “I wasn’t kidding when I said I was a big fan of yours. When I would sit in and watch his lectures, before he knew I was his kid, you would always step in at the best parts, adding the smallest details to the story that the average person would forget. It’s magnificent.”

He laughed slightly, tugging at his collar as she complimented him. “Thank you, you’re quite magnificent as well,” he replied with a blush and a smile

She didn’t look like Gideon, probably because she smiled so much. Like sunshine on legs, she beamed, all but blinding him with her smile as she stared at him, “do you want to get lunch and go over this case with me?”

“I’d love to.”

taglist: (message me if you want to be added or removed)

@shemarmooresfedora @spencers-dria @spookyspence @reidsfish @manuosorioh @mochionly @samuel-de-champagne-problems @jswessie187 @k-k0129 @calm-and-doctor @blanchardsbk

[anarmorofwords]

Hi! You're probably not going to like this ask, but before getting into it I'd just like to say that this isn't meant as Kamala hate or anything, and I don't really want to offend.

Having said that, wouldn't it make sense that we get to see how Kamala treated Anna after she came out? It's in all likelihood one of the things that's weighing on Anna the most.

Obviously Kamala had her valid reasons: her parents aren't as liberal as the Lightwoods, she believes (knows?) their love is conditional as she's adopted, she's not white and not being heterosexual could further any treatment she's suffered from being different... Her reasons have already been listed multiple times by multiple people. Kamala has the right to stay in the closet and fear coming out. And while that shouldn't be villianised, we can't forget that closeted people can harm those around them.

If Kamala had kept treating Anna like a good friend, rumour would've sparked, and even if it was denied, she'd have been harmed by merely associating with Anna. Especially with the life Anna began leading; she could have been labelled as one of Anna's 'conquests' by the Clave. That, as we've established, is detrimental for her safety.

But at the same time, it would create a breach between Anna and Kamala. And Anna had the right to be hurt by it and weary of it when Kamala said she wanted a relationship.

If we look at it from that perspective, Anna's actions (though inexcusable in how they treated Kamala --who was also at fault for not accepting a negative for four months) make sense. Kamala wasn't only a fling of a week*, but also the girl she lost her virginity with, who asked her to be her secret (until she married Charles, after which Anna's affections would be discarded), who hid her sexuality for two years and sat back while Anna suffered from homophobic commentary, and who now wants a relationship hidden from most of the people that know her.

Kamala shouldn't be forced to come out; but the harm that can do to the women she may engage with is reflective of what happens nowadays. I can mostly think of examples with gay men, so my apologies in advance. But how many women have seen their marriages ruined by their husband having affairs with men?

Creating characters that reflect a toxic part of the 'hidden' LGBT community shouldn't be seen as hating or villinifying. Thomas isn't out and he isn't labelled a villain by the narrative --because his actions don't harm anyone. The hate Alastair gets in-universe is because of his past as a bully, not because he's gay. Matthew's not fully out and he isn't villianised --like Thomas, because the decisions he makes to keep his sexuality hidden don't impact anyone negatively.

I'll even go as far as saying that not even the narrative villianises characters like Kamala and Charles. If it were, they'd be seen more like Grace in Chain of Gold. We'd see how Kamala's actions are affecting Anna's in more ways than anger (that in itself put the fandom against Anna), and the characters would note so. We wouldn't see scenes were Cordelia empathised with Charles, nor Matthew said he loved him.

Be it as it may, Kamala and Charles represent ugly parts of being closeted that can naturally occur when someone is in their position. LGBT people are human. Humans, when put into very difficult situations (and Charles risks his career; Kamala her safety), can make decisions that harm those around them. Consequently, the people they're harming have a right to feel, well, harmed in whatever range of ways --this goes mostly for Alastair, and very partly for Anna, whose treatment of Kamala was horrible.

Readers need to understand what is pushing these 'villianised' characters to harm (again, mostly for Alastair) the more prominent characters and go beyond how they are instantly depicted. Because these are complex characters based on complex real people influenced by very ugly realities we will move on from someday, but sadly not yet.

By the way, Charles and Kamala's situations aren't that similar beyond the closeted thing, but I crammed them together because of a post I saw you reblog.

Please understand I'm not justifying Charles's actions; that I understand the pain he's put Alastair through, and know that he shouldn't ever be near Alastair. Nor am I trying to justify Anna's actions nor hate on Kamala.

I'll just finish my pointless rant by adding that I do think cc has sensitivity readers. I think she asked a gay man to go through tec (I don't know if he still revised her other books, though), and know she asked POC's input when writing someone for their culture. I don't know much beyond that, but I doubt who revises her stuff is up to her. Wouldn't that be something the publisher is responsible for (honest question)?

*I've also noticed people using the argument that they didn't know each other long enough for Anna to harbour such ugly emotions towards Kamala, but Kamala also remembered Anna pretty deeply and is 'in love' with her. I just wanted to say that considering cc writes (fantastical) romance where someone can ask a woman they met two months ago marriage, stressing over time spaces doesn't make much sense. Just my take.

hi!!

alright, where do I start? probably would be best with stating that while I can analyse Kamala's situation with what I know/see/read about racism and discrimination and reasonably apply things I've read/heard from PoC to the discussion, as well as try to be as sensitive about it as possible, I'm still a white woman, so not a person that's best qualified to talk about this.

that being said - if someone wants to add something to this conversation, you're obviously more than welcome to, and if there's something in my answer that you don't agree with or find in some way insensitive or offensive - please don't hesitate to call me out on that.

back to your points though: (this turned into a whole ass essay, so under the cut)

I don't think Anna shouldn't be able to reminiscent on Kamala's behaviour/reaction to her coming out, or be hurt by it. what bothers me is the way CC talks about it - I can't remember the exact phrasing, but the post where she mentioned this suggested something along the lines of "you'll see how Kamala sided with the Clave and didn't defend Anna after her coming out", therefore putting the blame on Kamala and completely disregarding the fact that Kamala wasn't in position to do much at all. It suggest that their situation was "poor Anna being mistreated by Kamala". therefore I'm afraid Kamanna's main problem/conflict will remain to be portrayed as "Anna having to allow themselves to love again and forgive Kamala", while Anna's shortcomings - and Kamala's vulnerable position - are never discussed. I think it would be possible to acknowledge both Kamala's difficult situation and the possible hurt her behaviour caused Anna without being insensitive towards Kamala's character, but it would take a really skilled - and caring - author to do both of the perspectives justice. CC would have to find a balance between being aware of the racism/prejudice Kamala faced/ writing her with lots of awareness and empathy, and still allowing her to make mistakes and acknowledging them. As it is however, I'm under impression that she's just treating it as a plot device, a relationship drama.

I'd say no one expects characters of color to be written as flawless or never making mistakes, it's mostly the way these mistakes are written and what things these characters are judged/shamed/

And that's - at least in my understanding and opinion - where the problem is. it's that the narrative never even addresses Anna's faults, and portrays Kamala as the one that caused all - or most of - the pain, without ever even acknowledging her problems and background.

White characters in TLH make mistakes and fuck up - because they're human and they're absolutely allowed to - but the thing is, non-white characters aren't afforded that privilege. Anna's behaviour is never questioned - none of it, shaming Kamala for not being able to come out, dismissing her desire to be a mother, or any of the questionable things she did in ChoI. Same with Matthew, James, Thomas. Alastair and Kamala however? they're constantly viewed through their past mistakes, and forced to apologize for them over and over, forced to almost beg for forgiveness. Moreover, those past mistakes are used as a justification of all and any shitty behaviour the other characters exhibit towards them now, which is simply unfair and cruel. They're held to a much higher standard.

So I'd like to say that yes, Kamala was in the wrong to keep nagging Anna after numerous rejections, and she was in the wrong to not inform Anna about Charles prior to them having sex - but that doesn't give Anna a free pass to constantly mistreat Kamala. And let's be real, Anna isn't stupid - while at 17 she could be naive and uninformed, I can't imagine how after years of hanging out with the Downworlders and numerous affairs and being out and judged by the Clave she's still so ignorant about Kamala's situation. I definitely think she's allowed to be hurt, but to still not understand why Kamala did what she did? Anna isn't blaming her for not telling her about Charles earlier - which would be fair - but instead for refusing to engage in an outright romance with her. She's being ignorant - and consciously so, I think.

Overall, I think you're definitely right about how coming out - or staying closeted - can be messy and hurt people in the process, especially in unaccepting environments/time periods, and I've seen enough discourse online to know there will never be a verdict/stance on this that will satisfy everyone. I, for one, would really like to refrain from putting all the blame on a single person - but, at least the way I see it, CC is pointing fingers. maybe not directly, but she is. Kamala, Alastair and Charles have no friends or support systems, and the only people in the narrative that defend them are themselves (ok, Cordelia does defend Alastair from Charles, but not from shitty takes about him and his "sins"). Also, sorry, but I don't like how you say "hid her sexuality for two years and sat back while Anna experienced homophobic comments" - it sounds very much judgemental. Kamala had every right to do that? The fact that she slept with Anna doesn't means she owed her something, and certainly not coming out and most probably destroying her life, or even defending her at the - again - expense of her own reputation, or more possibly safety.

As for Charles - it's a different issue here, at least imo - I fear that it'll be implied that his refusing to come out will is his main "sin", and therefore not something he can be judged for, which ironically, will be villainizing, but mostly will mean his actual sins are dismissed. This is where the scene with Cordelia feeling a pang of sympathy for him comes into play, and it worries me. I've never hated Charles for not wanting to come out, but rather for, let's see - grooming Alastair, disregarding Alastair's needs and feelings, disrespecting his mother, being a sexist prick, being low-key far-right coded "make Shadowhunters great again" etc.

As for sensitivity readers - I'm no expert, so I don't think my input is worth much. From what I've gathered from multiple threads/discussions on twitter, tho it is probably consulted/approved by the publisher, many authors push for that - and authors less famous and "powerful" than her. I'm not a hater, but seeing fandoms' opinions on much of her rep, I think she could do better. Because if she does have sensitivity readers, then they don't seem to be doing a great job - maybe they're friends who don't wanna hurt her feelings? Or maybe she thinks a gay guy's feedback will be enough for any queer content - which, judging by the opinions I've seen from the fans, doesn't seem to be true.

Again, these are mostly my thoughts and I'm more than open to reading other opinions, because *sigh* I really don't know how to handle this.

Bottom line - I really really don't want to be hating on the characters in general, playing God in regards to judging the struggles of minorities, or even criticising the characters too harshly for being human, flawed etc. What my main issue is is how CC handles those complex and heavy topics.

I hope I make sense and this answer satisfies you somehow - I also hope someone better equipped to answer might wanna join this conversation.

* I desperately need a reread of TLH before I engage in any more conversations like this, but I didn't wanna leave you hanging. So yeah, I might be remembering things wrong. Again, let me know, I'm very much open to being corrected as well as to further discussion.

* I use she/her pronouns for Anna because that's what she uses in canon

[alesreadings]

A Good Girl's Guide to Murder by Holly Jackson.

4.75 stars. “Pip wished she was strong enough, but she’d learned that she wasn’t invincible; she too could break.” tw: mention of rape, death of an animal, kidnapping, death, drugs. Notes. 1. If you haven't read the book and don't want to spoil yourself, I recommend that you don't read any further. 2. The spoilers section, and possible random spoilers, will be signposted to avoid any misunderstandings. I must admit that this is my first thriller book, so I'm not very familiar with the genre, and now I want to read more. And it's also one of the first I've read entirely in English, and as you know that Spanish is my native language, I assume you'll know that it was a bit complex. Although, I'm adapting a bit more to reading in English. Wish me luck, folks. In A Good Girl's Guide to Murder we follow Pippa Fitz-Amobi, a 17-year-old student whose final year project is the case of Andie Bell, who was murdered by her boyfriend, Sal Singh and taken for granted by the police. But Pippa knows Sal is innocent, so she decides to find out what happened five years ago and who really killed Andie Bell. Pippa discovers that Andie had many secrets, that she was not the beautiful and tragic victim that the people of Little Kilton martyred and idolised, branding Sal Singh a murderer and a monster, treating his family very badly for it. In addition, Little Kilton holds even more secrets that intrigue Pip and make her want to keep digging to solve the mystery. Writing. I don't think I remember reading a book like this, with diary-like entries speaking in first person and then in third person. It was a bit strange, if I'm honest, and it took me a bit longer to adjust. However, it was an easy read in some respects. And, I don't know if it's because of the difference between British and American English, but there were phrases that I had to look up because I didn't understand them, lmao. Plot. The plot kept me glued in my seat, not wanting to put my phone down, wanting to know what would happen next. I mention that I was late with this book because college is eating me alive, though I made time to keep reading because I was consumed with thoughts of not knowing what would happen, who the killer would be and if Pip was going to find out. There are a lot of plot twists that I wasn't expecting and a lot of things that made my brain almost melt from thinking about it so much. Pacing. It was a quick and light read, and I take back that I was late because of college: I would have finished it sooner if it weren't for homework. It's not that complicated to understand and the pages turn very quickly. Characters. Pip is a good girl, addicted to homework and determined to solve the Andie Bell case and prove that Sal Singh is innocent at all costs. So eager is she to find out what really happened, that she finds herself lying to others so that they won't worry about her and try to stop her from abandoning her project. Ravi is the younger brother of Sal Singh. He has been the target of criticism, and is known as the brother of Andie Bell's killer. Ravi knows his brother is innocent, and when Pip shows up at his door asking him a few questions, he thinks it's a joke. And soon, Ravi becomes Pip's partner in crime, both looking for answers about his brother's sudden death and his innocence in the case. Ravi is a beautiful little baby, don't touch him I want to take care of him. Also, Ravi: marry me. Andie was a bitch and it doesn't surprise me much that bad things happened to her. Everyone held her in such high regard, believing she was a good girl whose boyfriend murdered her. Andie ruined several people's lives, and although I thought I would feel bad that she had died, I didn't really. When you find out the truth about Andie Bell, what she did and didn't do, you don't feel any empathy for her. Cara is Pip's best friend, her older sister is Naomi, who was in turn Sal's best friend and who also keeps a big secret that makes Pip dig very closely into her and her life, including her family. (Bonus and unnecessary fact: Cara translates from

Spanish to English as: 'face' and 'expensive'. Unnecessary examples: Su cara es hermosa= her face is beautiful. La camisa es cara= the shirt is expensive.) Follow me for more unnecessary Spanish classes, they are free of charge. Pip's family is ok. They're the typical caring and normal family. Tho I loved Vic's jokes, jsjsjs he laughing at his own jokes (just as Ravi) is totally me. Max Hastings can die and I wouldn't care for him. He deserves the shit going on in his life. He's a dick and you can easily see it. Please, go fuck yourself, you fucking bastard. 🥰🥰🥰 ⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️oK, PEOPLE, SPOILER SECTION. YOU'VE BEEN WARNED.⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️ Tho I loved this book, I really enjoyed and liked it a lot, there were many ??? things that left me with a bitter taste on my mouth. First of all, Pip felt a little bit dry and typical. She's a good girl who starts to lie for her project and she doesn't feel the same anymore. I mean, idk, I can't put it into words, I just hope she felt more real and not flat. Second, how quick all of the possible suspects told Pip the truth, when they lied to the police or omitted information. I found it quite unbelievable and a little bit ilogic. Also, Mr. Ward confessed really quick and it felt dry... I don't quite know how to explain it, but I was expecting more. Becca Bell also confessed really quick, and spilled her secrets out as she were talking about the weather, which also felt a little bit bitter. aND THE FINAL STRAW: BARNEY. NO. NO. NO. NOT MY BABY BARNEY. HE WAS AN ANGEL AND I WILL ALWAYS REMEMBER HIM WITH LOVE. LEANNE CRYING OVER THE CHRISTMAS' VIDEO OF BARNEY GIVING EVERYONE A SHOE BROKE ME DOWN. I WILL NEVER FORGIVE THIS!!! ⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️ End of the spoiler section⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️ In summary, I really liked this book, was a quick reading and many plots got me hanging of the cliff. This is a "you must read" book.

[classysassy9791]

Fandom: Inuyasha Genre: Romance/Humor/Fluff Pairing: InuKag Rating: T

Originally written for @inukag-week on tumblr circa 2016, now officially being updated. Its been a hot minute, hasn't it?

For InuKag Week - Day 2: Warmth

Part 1 l

Part 2 Word Count: 2,600

Can also be found on FFN and AO3.

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Kagome couldn't remember the last time she had laughed so hard.

Sometime between the moment she met the arrogant, rude man known as Inuyasha and the three shots she had consumed, they had fallen into a flirtatious banter that she rather enjoyed. Gone was the pompous jerk who had so rudely called her audacious names, replaced by a man who proved to actually be decent company.

No, she hadn't forgotten about their initial meeting, but as she downed another shot of whiskey, she realized she didn't much care. For the first time in months - maybe longer - Kagome found herself enjoying her evening. With her shackles removed and her inhibitions lowered, she relished in the sweet taste of freedom that had been sorely lacking from her life.

"You did not!" she squealed with absurdity in her tone, clamping a hand over her mouth.

Inuyasha chuckled, tilting his glass and giving a half-shrug. "I did," he confessed sheepishly, but not at all ashamed of his actions. "Miroku ran down the dorm hall, completely naked, screaming after me."

Kagome shook her head. "I can honestly say I have never stolen my roommates clothes while they were in the shower. Or pulled any pranks on them, really."

"To be fair," he continued, signaling the bartender for another round. "He actually met his girlfriend that way."

"By running naked down the hallway?"

He nodded. "Knocked her down and stopped to apologize."

"Still want to leave the tab open?" Kouga interrupted.

"Yeah, that's fine." Inuyasha finished off his beer. "Another round of whiskey shots while you're at it."

Flashing Kagome a smile, Kouga took their empty glasses. "You're going to dry me out."

"It's still early," Kagome barbed playfully. "Your bar will last until midnight at the very least."

He chuckled, filling up their shot glasses and handing them another drink. "Oh, thanks. I was afraid I'd have to close up soon."

Leaving with a, "flag me down if you need me," Kouga wandered to the other end of the bar where a busty blonde waved at him.

Typical, Kagome thought sourly. On the one hand, she didn't like the way her thoughts were turning, considering she didn't really know Kouga, and hated grouping him in with the rest of the spineless male population she had become accustomed to - especially since he was a bartender and it was literally his job to tend to the needs of his customers. But on the other hand, she couldn't help but feel bitter about his attention leaving her. Maybe it was because she had so blatantly been deprived of it for so long, that her longing for companionship had been exacerbated ten-fold.

Taking a sip of beer - which she had switched to once they started doing shots - Kagome heard her phone buzz in her purse again; it had already gone off several times during her conversation with Inuyasha. She finally pulled it out and unlocked it, frowning at the array of messages popping up on her screen.

Inuyasha raised a brow at the irritable look that overcame her expression before Kagome sighed and locked her phone. She quickly downed her shot of whiskey, not even bothering to 'cheers' him.

"Everything okay?" Inuyasha questioned, against his better judgement. There was a reason people showed up by themselves at a bar on Friday nights - either to drown their sorrows in whiskey or to find company for a few fleeting, midnight hours.

Kagome pressed her lips together. She didn't come to the bar to talk about her problems. She wasn't some sad case that needed a therapist to pour her drinks. If anything, she wanted to forget about the emotional damage that had been inflicted earlier that day. Her heart had been broken, her ego bruised, and no matter how many times her friends had told her he wasn't worth it, their sympathies didn't make her feel any better.

But, alcohol had a funny habit of turning into truth serum, and she found herself spilling her guts before she could stop herself. "Just my ex-boyfriend - er, fiance - blowing up my phone."

Inuyasha chuckled. "Can't take a hint, huh?"

Kagome shrugged with a bitter smile. "I mean, he broke off the engagement. Not sure why he can't follow through with his decision."

She had expected sympathy, perhaps even empathy. That's what most people offered in a situation like this, when they didn't know what to say or how to react. But Kagome was caught off-guard by Inuyasha's next question.

"How long were you together?"

Kagome eyed him curiously, his honey gaze hiding a wealth of understanding. "Five years," she answered him, twirling a strand of her dark hair around her finger. "Planned our life together, put a ring on it, and even booked the venue. But… I suppose he got cold feet a long time ago."

"His loss. What kind of bastard would put someone through that?"

She hummed thoughtfully, but didn't answer. It wasn't in her best interest to start talking about the past now, and she would rather take the spotlight off of herself all together. "What about you?" she asked her barstool companion as she took another sip of beer. "Any lucky ladies in your life?"

Inuyasha chuckled mirthlessly. "Nah, not anymore."

Kagome arched a brow. "Dare I ask?"

"Not much to tell. Her career and ambitions drove a wedge between us, and she decided they were more important than me. Simple as that."

"Sounds high maintenance."

He grinned. "Something like that. I mean, she knew what she wanted and didn't care what stood in her way. Even me."

Kagome felt an ache beneath her breast for the man beside her. She knew the pain of rejection very well. "Put out in the rain just like a dog. Doesn't that bother you?" she asked, tilting her head.

He frowned at her choice of words, and Kagome knew she may have touched a nerve then, but the alcohol had stripped her of her filter apparently.

"Well, I guess we're all damaged somehow," he replied with a shrug.

She scrunched her nose. "That's a bit thoughtless."

"What can I say? Shit happens. Get over it."

And then Kagome suddenly remembered the arrogant, rude, condescending jerk she had met when she had sat down at the bar earlier in the night. She narrowed her eyes. "Why are you such an ass?"

Inuyasha smirked while bringing his beer to his lips. "You are what you eat?"

Kagome let loose a growl of frustration. She had only known him for a short time, but she had quickly learned that Inuyasha was the most infuriating human being on the planet! "Your immaturity is revolting," she stated matter-of-factly, waving down Kouga for another shot of whiskey. She was definitely not drunk enough to deal with the way the conversation had turned.

"I'm not known for my friendly disposition."

Kagome glared at the man sitting next to her. "Is it fun being a jerk to me? Does it satisfy you?"

Inuyasha chuckled. "Actually, it is pretty entertaining."

She rolled her eyes. "You know, Inuyasha. You can hide behind that fake bravado all you want, but I know you're just a big softie underneath."

"Keh," he grumbled, finishing off his beer.

Kagome threw him a glare. "What? No witty repartee?"

He set down his empty glass with a little more force than usual, grabbing Kagome's attention. "I know your type, wench," he snapped, his amber eyes boring into hers. "I know exactly the kind of person you are; all high and mighty, acting as if you're better than everyone else. You think you can show someone how great life can be and how fantastic it is if I would just try. Well, sorry to break it to you, sweetheart, but not everyone is worth saving, all right?"

His words left Kagome stunned into silence for a brief moment. How did their witty banter only a few minutes ago turn into this? This… This denied anger and unadulterated cynicism had Kagome reeling, her thoughts turning to what exactly had penetrated Inuyasha's life so completely that he had such a negative outlook on such.

She pursed her lips. "How much do you think you're worth?"

Inuyasha shrugged. "Like twenty bucks. Or two twinkies." He grinned at his own comment, but Kagome didn't find it very funny.

If anything, Kagome felt pity for him. No matter how bleak her life became, she always managed to find the good in it. If a person couldn't do that… Well, that was a pretty sad way to live. "As much as I would love to hear you divulge all of your secrets, this is a great song and I feel like dancing."

"Look, wench," Inuyasha barked out, his anger palpable. "I'm not looking for your validation. I'm pretty fucking happy with my life of dirty pennies and whiskey bottles. We don't all need to be Barbie."

She looked over at him, the low dim of the bar lights shining off his silver hair, and found she could only nurse one wounded heart at a time. "I just wanted you to leave tonight and think the world is a little less horrible than you thought."

"Hey, pretty lady," Kouga greeted as he appeared at the perfect time with another shot of whiskey for her and a full beer, stealing her full attention away from Inuyasha.

Kagome immediately downed the shot and chased it with her beer, ready to forget half of the night and lose herself in the music pounding through the speakers. As the evening wore on, the bar became busier, and the DJ had started up a round of tunes that had half the customers on the dance floor.

Kouga watched her curiously, arching a brow. "You alright there?"

"Dance with me?" she called over the bass pounding through the speakers. Oh yes, it was now the time of the night in which she had no qualms for asking for what she wanted.

He chuckled and glanced over at the other bartenders who appeared to have things under control. "You can steal me for a few minutes."

Kagome grinned and giggled like a school girl, leaving Inuyasha behind without delay. Kouga met her at the end of the bar and took her hand in his as she pulled him out onto the dance floor.

Some upbeat dance music blasted through the speakers. Kagome moved and swayed through the bodies crowding near the DJ, the vibrations of the music becoming part of her energy, raising her up several levels at once. Gone were her heartbroken wallows and the biting arrogance of her barstool companion. Her mind buzzed with pure joy. She moved in her dress like her hips were made to sway, the black sequins catching the disco ball that twirled above, causing her to glitter on the dance floor.

Kouga pulled her close, his strong hand pressed against the small of her back, his chiseled chest pressed against hers. She ran her fingers through her messy hair and pulled it to the side, feeling the beat of the music pound with each beat of her heart. Bodies pressed in tighter all around them. Kagome felt the part of her that was really her come out to play, to feel the vibe of the music and let her body go free.

"You're beautiful," Kouga's voice whispered in her ear, sending shivers down her spine.

His lips looked soft and very kissable, and Kagome knew her decision-making skills were indeed hindered by the alcohol that buzzed through her veins. And then his attention was caught by something else, his royal blue eyes pulling from hers to the outskirts of the dance floor. He said something to her, attempting to shout above the music, but his words were swallowed up by the electric beat that kept her entranced.

Kagome felt his hands slip from around her waist and he disappeared into the crowd. She didn't bother to follow, her hands playing with her hair, her hips moving to the music as she lost herself within it. This was what her heartbroken soul had fiercely needed; a night to forget all the troubles of the day.

Large, meaty hands found her waist, but they were unfamiliar and too warm to the touch. Kagome felt a warm flush find her cheeks as she gazed up to meet a stranger's hazy stare. He pulled her in close - too close - and even in her alcohol-ridden mind, she felt mild panic begin like sparks in her abdomen.

She tried to push him away, first gently and then forcefully, pretending to laugh at his behavior. "Thanks for the dance, but I need some fresh air."

"C'me on, baby," he slurred, pulling her tighter to his sweaty frame, his hot breath rolling over her skin. "We just met. Let's dance s'me more."

Kagome frowned. "I said no." Before she could stomp on his foot and fight her way out of the throng of dancers, the man was forcefully pulled away from her. They became separated by another man, one with very familiar silver hair who had his back to her. She didn't hear the words exchanged, but whatever was said was enough to send the man scampering off to the other side of the bar.

Inuyasha turned around, his piercing honey eyes studying her expression, before his hand gently wrapped around her waist. His grip on her wasn't strong like Kouga's, or possessive like the stranger. Inuyasha's hand was warm against the small of her back, and the anxiety she felt moments ago melted away.

"You okay?" he asked, swaying his hips in tune with hers as they continued to dance to the beat of the music.

She grinned up at him. "Were you worried about me, jerk?"

"Keh," he grumbled, his lips pulling into a smirk. "I despise you more than any other human I've ever had the displeasure of meeting. You're loud and wild and apparently have no sense of self-preservation. You also act like you have the mental capacity of a five year old."

"Are you flirting with me?" she barbed in return.

"Maybe."

His hand found the back of her neck, his fingers finding purchase in her hair, his hips grinding against hers. Warmth pooled into the pit of her stomach, his breath caressing her skin, and she moved her lips to find his.

Kagome barely had a moment to react before he pressed his tongue to the seam of her lips and delved inside her mouth. It was a very sloppy kiss with the strong scent of beer being exchanged between their billowing breaths. Her arm reached up and tangled around his strong neck. She pulled away and arched up into his broad chest, letting a moan escape in the contact of body heat against her own, before she drew back into his lips.

She could nearly taste the slight bitterness of the beer as it rolled off her tongue and seeped down her throat with every push of his tongue against hers. The kiss coupled with the beer and whiskey humming through her system obliterated every thought. For the first time that day, her mind was locked into the present. Her usual concerns for her life were suspended, and she had no wish for the kiss to end.

But as the music changed, they pulled apart. Inuyasha's skin shimmered with sweat and his amber eyes flecked with gold held her gaze. The beat of the music consumed them under the crazy neon lights, and Kagome felt alive during a night that was still so young.

[meichenxi]

3 and 25 for the book asks!

Heyyy :D

3 - What were your top five books of the year?

I'm going to talk about these one by one, because what I am if not verbose :D These are NOT in any order!! To be honest I have probably forgotten some incredible ones, but I didn’t keep a list. So. 

1) The Traitor Baru Cormorant by Seth Dickinson

EMPIRE. WLW. HARD FANTASY. GENDERRR (so much gender). I cannot describe how much like a breath of fresh air this book felt in adult fantasy in every way: the world is immersive, but saying 'immersive' doesn't do justice to how well built it is. I learnt more about colonialism and trade dynamics than school has ever taught me. The battlefields are meticulous; the supply lines well-drawn. Women, sapphic women, but with a gaze that feels startlingly not male, so much so that when my friend pointed out it was written by a man I didn't believe her at first. Comparisons to the anthropological sci-fi of Ursula le Guin are well-merited, especially (or so I've heard) later books. Baru is an engaging protagonist who reminds me STRONGLY of Mei Changsu who has all the strengths of your average Schemey Politicky prodigy, but this is one of the first times (another exception below) where I actually believe it: her strengths become her weaknesses, and she fails time and time again because, as she phrases it, she forgets about 'the other players' - that is, that other people have autonomy and the autonomy to make stupid, noble choices. What I love most is how her distance and slight bewilderment at the emotion-driven goings-on of other people when she herself has relatively low empathy and is fairly callous both enable her to succeed and also, inevitably, create her downfall. It creates a three dimensional character out of the Cold Plotting Schemer that is so often a caricature. I am very excited to see where this story goes.

2) Nirvana in Fire by Hai Yan

Need I say more? Anyone who follows anyone in the cdrama or cnovel fandoms knows about this. There's an excellent series (and the second is also good), and there's a translation of the book available online - very much a good translation. I've read it before, but reading it whilst self-isolating and having limited social contact and having close relationships with chronically ill people and contemplating mortality constantly as we have had to do during the pandemic - it felt different this time. If I had to give one cnovel to someone to read, it would be this one. Brotherhood, identity, betrayal, lying as an act of love and withholding the truth as an act of kindness - there are not many books I have read well into adulthood that can compete with books like LOTR in their formative power, but this is one of them. I've had more thoughts about who I want to be, what kind of life I want to live, what it means to care for someone and what it is to be known about this than any book since Tolkien. I have written posts about this, I'm sure, but here's an entreaty again: if you don't learn Chinese, if you have never read a cnovel, if you think you have no interest in politics or the machinations behind the throne or ancient court drama - just read it. Please.

3) City of Saints and Madmen by Jeff Vandermeer

Heard of Annihilation? Jeff Vandermeer is the guy who wrote that, and it's by far his most normal work lmaaaao. City of Saints and Madmen is a very typical romp through the New Weird - which doesn't mean it's any worse or predictable, but that expected themes of place and history and depth and environment and contagion and religion and madness come up again and again. It's one of the most cleverly put together books I've ever read, made up of a series of stories, fake in-universe academic articles and other paraphernalia (one section is a bibliography that lasts over 50 pages) about the city Ambergris. If you like House of Leaves or similar books, you'll enjoy this. Favourite parts of it include the two contradictory in-universe academic articles about the founding of the city and the legend of the giant squid, as well as one short story in which Jeff Vandermeer himself features as a character. I love the New Weird because it's exactly as batshit as quote-unquote 'regular' surreal / literary fiction....except there is often actually a plot and these things are really happening. I also read Dead Astronauts, which I adored, but despite the insanity of City of Saints and Madmen it's a much more accessible book for an introduction to Vandermeer's writing, which is why I have given it here. I'm also. Not entirely sure I understand more than 10% of Dead Astronauts so.

4) Tibet is my Country by Thubten Norbu, as told to Heinrich Harrer

Now for something a bit different. THIS BOOK you guys. This book is one of those that you find randomly in a charity shop and it changes everything. To give you some context on how unexpected this book is: my copy is the 1961 English translation of the book originally written in German by an Austrian mountaineer Heinrich Harrer who spent much of his adult life in Tibet and took years crossing the Himalayas - but the German book is a translation of a story told to him in Tibetan by Thubten Norbu, the BROTHER of the then Dalai Lama, which was then recorded on tapes and meticulously transcribed, then translated (Harrer conducted the interviews in Tibetan and translated it to German later). It's the story of Thubten Norbu's upbringing in Tibet in the 20s and 30s, his travels in India and China, the Chinese communist forces invading the Amdo region of Tibet (which is now in modern Qinghai and Sichuan province, and not much is officially in the autonomous region - I somewhat coincidentally actually went there five or so years ago), his flight to the US, his eventual return and various pilgrimages thereafter. The book took years to record, write, and translate, and the effort can be seen throughout the whole thing. Thubten is an extraordinarily clear and vivid narrator, and I very much appreciated the time he spends on the day-to-day details of his childhood and early adulthood as well as the larger events of the latter half of the book. I don't know if you can get ahold of a copy - if I look online briefly it looks a little difficult - but it's been the most unexpected and wonderful bonus of my charity shop plundering this year.

5) In the Land of Invented Languages by Arika Okrent

I read this for my undergraduate dissertation on constructed languages, and think it's just...yeah, it's just a great introduction to the topic for anyone who wants to know the history of constructed languages. I don't just mean Esperanto and Elvish, but setting the whole idea of making your own language in its historical context, tracing the earliest conlangers and different types of languages throughout the Enlightenment, birth and development of formal logic, the search for a 'perfect' language, its eventual abandonment, and the endeavour was picked up again by those looking to create a 'common' language instead a few centuries later. It also traces the development of 'artlangs', conlangs that are created solely for the purposes of art. It's not particularly heavy, pretty short, and a great overview for anyone who is interested in linguistics, the history of linguistics, why Esperanto 'succeeded' when other languages like Volapük arguably have not, what Tolkien was doing, and so on. Yeah. Generally recommend!!

Thanks! I'll do the rest tomorrow :D

[plenilune]

so here's the thing, and this is going to sound completely unhinged in light of a few posts ago, but this is my pretend insane secret diary to a billion strangers, and I don't have to perfectly explain myself* -- the thing is I stopped having most emotions some time ago, and the total absence of emotions in the spaces where emotions would normally pool to fill has made me, in my current insanity, unsure as to whether or not I have ever actually had an emotion or if all of them were simply me feeling what I was told or expected to feel in the moment.

[*I do actually. If I do not perfectly explain myself I will die.]

there was certainly a lot of my childhood in which I was expected to feel certain ways about certain things -- certain types of wonder or curiosity or religious fervour or empathy or loyalty, and some of the ways I performed those expected emotions were good and some were Very Incorrect and needed to Stop At Once, and also not to feel certain things, which other than crippling depression I mostly didn't, somehow* and somewhere along the way I became very numb and confused and frequently don't realise I've had an emotional reaction to something until significantly later, when I still don't feel anything about it but I seem to be experiencing symptoms of having had that emotion. generally this is one of the negative ones because if you have symptoms of having been excited about something or touched by something or whatever they don't tend to make themselves NOTICED, because they're ordinary things that don't stick out. I mean like -- dissociating through a time of intense stress and not really feeling a way about it and then a few weeks later I start having certain types of cycling thoughts or I stop eating or I become very paranoid or avoidant of something related to that experience or have sudden negative stabbing psychic pains when accidentally brushing against a memory related to that thing, but the original emotion about the experience still isn't something I can find or access. things like the time I tried to read a book I'd recently bought that wasn't related to anything bad that had happened to me, but when I opened it the paper smelled so intensely of my incredibly toxic bookstore job that it replicated the stress and mental gnaw of my shifts there in my little electrical feeling producers, which made me feel DEEPLY batshit, especially as over a year had gone by since I'd left that job. or just -- I don't know, this sort of thing happens all the time but my memory is so poor that I can't think of any of it. most of it's been much worse and much weirder but it's very difficult to explain.

[*like, I think I did have a lot of queer and trans feelings as a child, but I didn't process them or notice them and at the time it certainly didn't seem to be making me miserable, that those things were very bad and I shouldn't be them or go near them? they didn't seem to be relevant or connected to me at all. but they certainly seem to have contributed to, say, feeling completely alienated by the existence of my own body, slowly reconnecting to the experience of having a body in my fucking thirties and mostly then because of back and forth dysphoria, and me unable to tell if the previous period of me in my mid-twenties really liking how my body presented as feminine with a new ability to show myself off as potentially desirable was equally real, or something I only partially understood at the time, or me thinking I felt good about an experience I had all of the social structures present to tell me that I ought to feel good about it, and now that not all of those social structures apply to me I have no road map telling me how to feel so I simply don't?

the thing is I still like to be hot now too and I love to be desired and touched (in theory; if more than about five randomly chosen people touch me I will burst into flames, but I LIKE to be TOUCHED by people I LIKE) so maybe NO emotions are real and maybe I'm just an AI poorly and inconsistently programmed, which certainly aligns with my most prominent paranoid delusion, which is that I'm not Real in some obvious sense but if I let anyone find this out I will be Punished and it is the Worst thing that could Possibly Happen. also it could happen at any time because it's very obvious that I'm not a real person!]

[have I just repressed and de-realised all Forbidden Emotions for so long -- since very early childhood -- that I've never figured out how to have them because instead of having them and feeling ashamed or frightened or rebellious like most people seem to I simply deleted them? case in point: I certainly discovered I had some confusing issues about my attraction to non-men being seen as predatory and the existence of my sexual desire for someone inherently damaging and hurtful and a source of shame in a previous very toxic relationship, but in that case the cause wasn't any party's internalised homophobia, I think? but as far as I could examine it, it did seem to stem from a lot of repressed internalised shame from the first two decades of my life set off by the other party's incredibly specific control issues. but why did that shame never switch on when I was, say, making out with a woman I'd just met in a public bathroom years before?]

annoyingly this post seems to have become somewhat bafflingly about my sexuality when what I am trying to unpack is how I don't feel most emotions other than shame and guilt and keep feeling increasingly threatened by the knowledge that other people need and require me to have emotions about things but I don't know which ones all the time and even if I intellectually know what the emotion is I have no idea how to reach for it or perform it adequately and I also recognise that this is VERY INSANE, especially because it started with things years ago like me not feeling very connected to my family and now it's processed to me panicking at work constantly because everyone seems to have all of these feelings and loyalties and base compassions and the capacity for genuine curious interest in certain types of details about complete strangers and I have no idea what ones are being asked of me in an interaction but every time I get through one situation there's ANOTHER one and I'm so braced against someone getting angry at me for having wrong bad or no emotions that I have become hostile and paranoid and feel flickers of repressed electrical rage at perfectly ordinary interactions.

absolutely none of these run-on sentences are coherent. I'd better cut off here for now.