#this blog is my DIARY open to like the 20 people who actually see my posts

[missv4mpsdiary]

Miss Vamp’s Diary • Fetish Goths Explained

Introduction

This is my first tumblr post don’t judge me. I’ve been wanting to do this since purple galaxy pattern was trending. I’m also writing this on my phone atm. You can skip the introduction, just trying to show some credibility as a goth content creator (ʃᵕ̩̩ ᵕ̩̩⑅)

Hello, my name is Miss Vamp. You can also address me as “Vamp” or “V4mptiddy” if you’re not one of my simps online. I decided to open up a small blog to elaborate on some small things like my inspirations for my fashion/cosmetics, honest makeup reviews, commentary on gothic culture or just personal experiences as a financial dominatrix. I want to share more dimensional factors about my (attempted) online personality. This is my awkward way of actually conveying some information that I’ve planned on sharing with the public such as how I’ve grown into being “Miss Vamp”.

I’m a year and a half in the industry, I hope to have this as a long term investment in my future. I aspire to be a goth influencer like MamieHades with my own twist. I love her to bits, one of the first people to notice my posts when I started on Instagram around April 2023.

During my time, I’ve managed to have a sub-funded makeup series where subs buy my makeup for me, a collaboration photoshoots with my best friend of eight years (Mellowbatz on IG), and own a 18+ NSFW discord server, “SlutCult”. So that’s also pretty cool too. I feel almost indebted to the Findom, Goth and BDSM community for supporting my dreams. I’m still small, lots to improve on but optimistic on what my capabilities are in regards to my own contribution towards the locals.

(I’m open to mutuals, you don’t have to pay to chat with me. In spite of that, sub that are interested in serving me, my initial tribute is $20. I’m a busy woman so I expect something transactional to catch my attention.)

Anyways, since I’m juggling so many things so early, making so many securities, a lot of people acknowledge it but never really understand how much this occupation means to me. I’ve barely started recognizing the emotional attachment I’ve had with this occupation until six months into it. There’s more intricate details between the line of my presentation. They don’t know my storyline of how I swindled to becoming a sensual sadistic fetish goth vampire that glue down their eyebrows and give subs nightmare fuel with my uncanny goth makeup. Nor have I truly exposed this side of me. In an unfiltered and non restricted manner. This is my raw self and attitude through written work.

Findom, Makeup tutorials and Goth Modeling is honestly my biggest passion as I’m entering my twenties and one of the things that orbits around my individuality. Yes, I have other accomplishments like graduating with an English degree and other adult stuff but this is equally important to me.

I plan on possibly running a YouTube channel with my bestfriend in the future but for now, I wanted to dabble in blogs and possibly have this as an online diary. A media that my intended audience can enjoy and for subs to indulge in secrecy.

If you've followed me on my other platforms outside of tumblr, I identify as a Fetish Goth. At some point, I pathetically failed to articulate that I wanted to have more queer/alt mutuals on an Instagram reel which backfired because I realized my interest is NICHE. It’s not well defined and misconstrued to be something else. Therefore, I feel like I have a sense of responsibility to actually elaborate and educate people who actually have an interest in my vision. I see that there’s attentive people that would like to know what I’m deliberately posting about.

General Explanation About Fetish Goths:

Fetish goth is a style blending elements of gothic fashion with BDSM aesthetics, stands out as a striking and provocative form of self-expression within alternative communities. Sensuality can serve as an identity in an individual’s life by their practice, morality or occupation. Sex sells but committing to the bit is taboo. It’s distinct subculture style within the broader landscape of gothic fashion, drawing influences from BDSM culture, punk fashion, and alternative music scenes. It was formed in the progression of goth culture, embracing edgier and more provocative aesthetics, incorporating elements of fetish wear and erotic symbolism into their attire. Generally speaking, it’s the reason why we wear fishnets, chokers and corsets.

The origins of fetish goth can be traced back to the late 20th century, a period marked by profound social and cultural upheaval with pop culture. Pop Culture media loves incorporating it but the average citizen can sneak a few disapproving glances at you. This fashion statement is not only controversial but can be relevant in today’s societal pandemic of purity culture and norms about fashion. A more honorable mention is the arguments about goth only fans models and idiots arguing in my comment section about how i’m a “poser” yet they lip sync to London After Midnight’s “Bondage Song” as a thirst trap on TikTok. This evolution in thought is not merely academic but has had profound social and moral implications. The motives developed through the ongoing media interpretation of said fashion and formed into a more political statement. In recent years, it has continued to germinate and adapt, reflecting changing attitudes towards gender, sexuality, and identity. As society becomes increasingly diverse and inclusive, fetish goths have expanded their ranks to include individuals of all genders, sexual orientations, and cultural backgrounds, encompassing a more fluid and expansive understanding of alternative fashion and subcultural identity.

As punk and gothic subcultures gained momentum in the 1970s and 1980s, a wave of creative experimentation swept through alternative communities, challenging conventional notions of fashion and identity. Inspired by the DIY ethos of punk and the macabre elegance of gothic aesthetics, early fetish goths began to incorporate elements of fetish wear / symbolism into their attire. The 1990s had a rise in electronic music (synth waves) and Fetish style such as PVC, rubber, piercings, leather latex and BDSM bondaged wear in Goth Clubs. This was an imperative step in separating Goth as a distinct subculture that is dissimilar to the post-punk scene it spawned from. Punk fashion had also incorporated elements of bondage and BDSM-wear because it was popularized in the media (Vivienne Westwood and Malcolm McLaren’s legendary SEX store in London) but it wasn’t as evident. Most punks were wearing D rings rather than O rings. The difference is O-ring is solely meant for BDSM, it means ownership and customized for humans participating in it; Having a D ring on a collar was catered to dogs. This might be a culture shock to some but chokers are called chokers for a reason.

It was merely drawing inspiration from the dark romanticism of gothic literature, the raw energy of punk rock, and the provocative aesthetics of BDSM. Fetish goths crafted a distinct visual language that defied categorization and pushed the boundaries of traditional fashion. The rise of this look coincided with a broader cultural shift towards alternative lifestyles and underground subcultures. As mainstream media and popular culture began to co-opt elements of gothic and BDSM aesthetics, fetish goths carved out their own niche within the subcultural landscape, embracing DIY ethos and a spirit of creative rebellion. From underground clubs and music festivals to online forums and social media communities, fetish goths found camaraderie and solidarity with like-minded individuals who shared their passion for dark fashion and unconventional beauty.

This is the part that could be upsetting to some but I must admit that it’s necessary to emphasize on how insane some users sound when they blame me as “part of the problem”; that doesn’t make sense. Fetish goth is not porn material, I personally don’t pretend to be goth for money. Not every single fetish goth is meant to be a sex worker, some just like it for the sex appeal and nothing more. As for me? I incorporated it into my findom / online branding and it was my own personal choice. There’s something more important to be addressed about within this context, there was always a fetish component to the subculture. It’s inherited into our characteristics. It doesn’t mean that femme presenting people should be fetishized. No one deserves to be fetishized unless there’s consent. I just need to make it abundantly clear it has been adopted by the goth scene entirely and any article of these clothes can be obtained without going to a sex store. It’s the unspoken reason why goth clubs are 18+ and elder goths were so territorial around baby goths. We have adopted explicit fetish accessories and turned it into street wear, the beloved footwear of big stompy boots also deviated from early goth footwear. While Demonia makes many styles of gothic shoes, their most identifiable boots are characterized by their tall platforms and heavy silver hardware, which can take the form of spikes, O-rings, buckles or chains. Both of these that were originally worn by them are now integrated into casual fashion and have influenced gothic culture. So I’d hate to register people on my page complaining about my fashion niche as hypocritical. ESPECIALLY if they’re in possession of Demonia boots and lip service items, it’s like the call is coming from inside the house. It’s so similar to our modern appearance that people can’t differentiate the two or register that it was the blueprints.

One of the key influences on the development of fetish goth style was the BDSM subculture, which was also a distinct community in the latter half of the 20th century.

BDSM, an acronym for Bondage, Dominance, Sadism, and Masochism, encompasses a wide range of practices and identities centered around consensual power exchange and erotic role-playing, Outside of the biased interpretations it’s classified as "a multidimensional paraphilia of sexuality; (consensual) power interchange in sexual encounters." All of this is safe of course, unlike the stigma, there are plenty of rules and reinforcements because it’s disciplinary between two parties (or more).” Fetish attire actively include leather, latex, corsets, and other fetishistic attire serve as symbols of sexual empowerment and personal expression, challenging societal taboos surrounding sexuality and desire to the public interest. It could simply be served as a temptation and pinpoint what kind of individual a person is by their reaction; "A twofold evolution tended to make the flesh into the root of all evil, shifting the most important moment of transgression from the act itself to the stirrings - so difficult to perceive and formulate - of desire" (Foucault, p. 20), reflects the seductive nature of fetish goth attire.

The main introduction is mainly with O rings chokers, big boots (with O rings, chains or spikes), bondage pants, chains/mail materials, and PVC, a type of latex leather that has a glossy shine, and the alternative version faux leather. This style does more than simply shock or oppose societal norms; it questions the foundations upon which these norms are built. By bringing 'the stirrings of desire' into the open, It critiques the notion that internal desires should be repressed or hidden. Instead, it celebrates these as parts of human identity that should be acknowledged and expressed. The visibility of such attire in public spaces and subcultural gatherings underscores a rejection of the idea that the body and its desires are sources of evil or shame. Furthermore, the very act of displaying what is conventionally concealed operates as a form of resistance against societal controls over the body and sexuality. It embodies a challenge to the 'twofold evolution' where the personal, internal aspects of desire are not only made visible but are also celebrated rather than censured. In doing so, fetish goth fashion not only redefines the aesthetics of desire but also reclaims agency over how desire and the body are perceived and governed.

Philosophy In The Details:

In historical context, particularly within Christian doctrine, this transformation can be seen in the transition from a focus on overt acts of sin to a more introspective examination of one's inner life and temptations. This shift places a greater moral burden on individual thoughts and feelings, which are inherently more subjective and less observable than actions. This introspective turn is deeply aligned with the practice of confession, where the faithful are encouraged not only to repent for their sins but to verbalize their innermost temptations and desires, thus making what is internal and hidden into something spoken and external.

So yes, to an extent there is a transformation of desire when most people start experimenting with it. Western societies have conceptualized sin and morality. This statement reflects a significant shift from viewing sin as merely a matter of wrongful actions (the acts themselves) to a deeper concern with the internal desires and impulses that precede and instigate these actions (the stirrings of desire). Without a doubt, there’s a site of moral scrutiny and social control that resonates strikingly with the aesthetics and expressions within it. Fetish goth attire, with its explicit evocations of the forbidden and the transgressive, challenges this historical moral schema by externalizing and aestheticizing what mainstream culture might deem dark or deviant desires. The provocative nature of fetish goth attire is not just a fashion statement but a form of social commentary. It confronts the viewer with a visual dialogue about the nature of desire, transgression, and the body.

In essence, the provocative freedom of fetish goth attire is a powerful form of cultural critique and resistance, embodying Foucault's observations about the shifts in moral scrutiny from acts to desires. It is more avant garde promoting a more inclusive and accepting approach to the diverse expressions of human sexuality and identity.

Significance In MY Life

However, to me, It’s my lifestyle. Arguably, it's the origins of my alter ego. My wardrobe, which is slowly accumulating more BDSM fetish attire and undergarments. Subs tend to buy my accessories, leather goods, makeup, lingerie and underwear. The exhibitionist in me can’t help but to be promiscuous in material. I personally love receiving attention in tight fitted and licentious displays of my best physical assists. I love it when it’s acknowledged and obsessed when I get complimented by anyone really. There’s just something about it that makes me feel really good inside when I challenge the status quo of “modesty” and “purity”. Makes me perky when I get worshipped for these qualities. Truly and honestly, I write this with my full heavy heart that I feel absolutely empowered. I take pride in being a tease and being spoiled for it. I love taking money and turning people on for wearing sexy clothes. For offending conservatives and being labeled as a lecherous “Jezebel”. It's the sensational urge that dwells within my erotic chimera to make someone choke on their tears when they address me as their Mistress. It’s the shine in my leather boots and in my eyes when I fantasize about a pathetic infatuated slave worshiping me at my toe box. The pleasure within holding someone at the end of the leash and consensually treating the participant as a fetish fashion accessory. Excitement to have a drawer full of subfunded panty just to add on the extra flare of what the distance of a fetish goth can preform. The ability to be thankful everyday because it’s another day to spite someone or give someone a sexual awakening. It’s the principles of my morality and the influences in my judgment as a woman in control of a libido. The confidence I have at this very moment, took many years to build up enough to prevail and rip people limb from limb apart. The guideline of sexual ethics, the philosophy of BDSM. My highest pinnacle of self expression. My own form of sexual liberation and sensuality wrapped in black satin and leather. It’s my redemption for being shamed into conformity. I refuse to surrender something valuable like that again.

This seemingly benign practice of sensuality of discussing desires becomes a profound tool for societal control on my end, influencing not just my own actions but the very desires that motivate an individual. It compliments my personality and if you dare to be technical in astrology, it’s the product of having a scorpio venus. I love the intensity, undying admiration and stubborn loyalty that could be formed in a dynamic bond. Overall, I love garnering eccentric fashion and sexual appeal like Elvira, Mistress Of The Dark. I will say it’s not for everyone, including other goths in the community but this lifestyle was solely the reason as to why I was able to reclaim my power and gain an identity as a fashionista and a findom. I do not sexualize goths, I sexualize myself if that makes sense? The funny thing about the assumption from the public eye is that everyone thinks I'm experienced and “ran through” but I'm still a raging virgin with guilty pleasures and hyperfixation on the topic. Regardless, I hold intense sentimental value in my fashion statement overall.

Originally, I treated this like exposure therapy after my assault and learned all principles before applying it into my life. I hope this perspective offers a critical framework for understanding the acts of rebellion and identity expression in communities, which stand in stark contrast to these norms, showcasing their cultural significance and resistance (and look good doing it). I also wanted to share this to formally specify why I make this such a big deal in my brand. Western societies have historically managed individual desires, particularly through the mechanism of discourse. A form of societal command unique to the West — was established to regulate personal desires captures a pivotal shift in the relationship between individuals and societal norms. This injunction wasn't merely a directive to obey the law; it extended deeply into the private realm, dictating that individuals not only confess to transgressions but also constantly discuss and analyze their desires.

Conclusion

(Relatively speaking as a fetish goth/findom)

Western society compels individuals to transform "every desire into discourse." This requirement to vocalize and scrutinize personal desires allows society to exert control over individuals not just through suppression but through the shaping of thoughts and feelings. Desires, once private, become public and malleable under societal scrutiny. I just personally feel like I’ve always been observed under this pressure before I turned 18 because of the brash gooners that had their brain fried from porn. No matter what I wear, it will never be an invitation but that doesn’t mean people won’t stop eye fucking me. So I interpreted this as my own way of processing and making desires a topic of constant discourse but simultaneously serves as a subtle but powerful form of social control for me. Before I turned into a fleshed out goth girl, I was confronted by this behavior on multiple occasion. If people are going to be weirdos, they might as well pay for my bills.

It operates under the impression of transparency and self-awareness, yet it functions as a mechanism through which society can influence and often dictate acceptable desires and behaviors. In the context of the fetish goth subculture, this societal mandate becomes a site of resistance. By openly embracing and redefining what mainstream culture might consider deviant or taboo, members of this subculture challenge the traditional boundaries set by the historical injunction to regulate desires through discourse. So in conclusion, this is how I live in my truth. Either you hate it, love it or fund it.

[onepersonproject]

One Person Project

Hello person who somehow came across this post.

I’ll add at the outset that I’m not a writer, so there won’t be generous posts that can give anyone anything to think about. English is not my first language either, so I apologize for any mistakes.

I created this blog because I want to change my life. Tumblr is a website, I think, created for this type of shit. I don’t expect anyone to read it, because it will be my virtual diary, but if anyone comes across this page full of trial and error and is willing to help me in any way – with advice of course – I’ll be more than happy with that.

But maybe I'll introduce myself first.

Hi, I'm Anna. I'm in my mid-20s and two days ago I decided to change my life. But seriously. I don't stand out in anything special, in fact, I'm such a boring person that no one really notices me. And that's my problem, too.

My life is boring (shocking, isn’t it?). Every day I go to work, and then I come back and go to bed. The days off are not much different, because I actually spend the whole day at home doing nothing.

I have no hobbies. I've never found anything that would interest me enough to take care of it. I've made a few attempts to get interested in something, but they've always failed.

I don't have any friends. Because of my shyness, which kept me through high school, even though I tried to overcome it, I didn't make any close connections. Although I am now more open to people and can talk to them normally, I am no longer able to make any real friendships. I won't even mention another relationship.

I don't like myself. I don't like the way I look, I don't like the person I've become over the years. I don't like my laziness, my spitefulness, my quick irritation and nervousness, and the fact that I wasted my teenage years on nothing while other people at my school were making memories.

I graduated from a master's degree in a field that may have interested me a little, but it's not promising at all. I consider myself a stupid person, and I don't think any degree would change my mind. Maybe I'm retarded for my age, I don't know.

I consider myself a failure. I keep everything to myself, because I am ashamed to tell my family about my inner thoughts. I think they'd laugh at me or wave at me and say there's bigger problems in life. And I know it is, because OF COURSE there are bigger problems in the world, which you can see even on television or on the Internet. But for me, this is an important matter, after all, my life is at stake, right?

I have no desire to live. I can lie down for a couple of hours watching movies or sleeping and that way I lose a good few days a week. I don't know how to encourage myself to do anything.

My state of health is a joke. I eat junk food that should have eaten my guts a long time ago. How I'm still holding on, I don't know.

And lately I've been thinking about my life. Why isn't everything going the way I want it to? Why doesn't anything change? Why doesn't my life look like the lives of the people from my school?

I know, it doesn't look like that 'cause I'm not doing anything.

It's getting more and more frustrating. Because do I really want to spend my whole life like this? Going to work and coming home and doing literally nothing? If one day I have a family, and my children or grandchildren ask me about my younger self, what am I going to tell them? That I was so lazy and reluctant to live and that I didn't do anything about it?

But what I'm talking about, how I can start a family? With this lifestyle, I'll never meet anyone.

It makes my heart very heavy. And although I made a few attempts to make some small changes – writing diaries, meditating, doing some manifestations (not suitable for this I guess) – I quickly lost the desire to continue. My "every day" diary changed to " every month" and later "every couple of months".

And I think the frustration with this state of life is reaching its limit. I really need to make some changes, or I'm gonna get stuck in this nothingness mode, and I'm gonna end up having a grudge against myself for not doing anything about it. So I thought that maybe such a virtual diary would be better than a paper one (I think I even prefer to write on a keyboard). And maybe somehow there'll be someone who'll have some advice for me on how I could change things a little bit. So I will put here from time to time, maybe more often, maybe less often my progress – the bigger ones and the smaller ones.

Officially I am starting my “One Person Project”, where I will finally pull myself together and fight for myself.

If someone somehow came across this post and even read it to the end - I want to thank you. And I hope I haven’t ruined your day because of my funny “new year, new me” type of post type. Or night. Wherever you are.

(And please no malicious comments, I know I'm pathetic. I accepted it a long time ago, let's move on).

[windy-wonko]

i hate politicians i hate how they split the working class by pretending to care only to just continuously exploit us but republicans thrive on poor areas with poor education systems claiming theyll do this and that to support them only to neglect them and every fight against tax raising is for the sake of rich people like NO it doesnt affect you billy it effects people trumps league and thats why theyre all mad and theyre completely pulling shit out their ass on how it DOES affect you so that you get angry about it and side with the rich instead of your impoverished brothers and sisters GRRRRRR i hate it so much. die die die die die. also democrats suck too they pretend to care but they only care about city people in the north and think all the south is just racist confederate hillbillies like the dems are just as bad in terms of throwing these people in the trash. except the difference is republicans pretend to support while dems openly and actively call them garbage. literally there is no winning this and i hate stupid leftists too cuz all they care about is stupid new york and seattle and LA and whatnot and every time and election or law or something comes up all of them start telling us southerners that we should just have a hurricane wipe us out cuz we're racist homophobic transphobic etc etc when the south has some of the highest POC populations, they just get overshadowed by white votes cuz its easier for whites to vote. this went from me ranting to myself about fake support of the working class to me ranting about how im sick of the endless hate of rural areas and the south by supposed progressives who only care about liberal cities

[awkwardspontaneity]

I'm so excited to see another Zelda blog here!! Could I get a Botw matchup please?

🔮 18 yo Bisexual Demigirl (She/They Nonbinary)

🔮 Chronically Ill and Autistic, with a lot of chronic pain and fatigue. Naps are very common for me

🔮 I’m not that athletic, but I do enjoy working out with my punching bag and taking walks. I LOVE adventures, but I sometimes worry about going on them because of my health.

🔮 Very short, 4’ 11” tall, with an androgynous build and style. I’m not very curvy at all.

🔮 Messy mane of brown hair that I usually wear in a low bun, glasses and lots of moles

🔮 I practice Witchcraft and Folk magic, and am a Published Author

🔮 Also a big science nerd, especially for Biology

🔮 I suffer from anxiety and intrusive thoughts, so I can be isolated and pretty melancholic

🔮 I think very deeply about things, and am simultaneously very smart and incredibly stupid. High wisdom / Low intelligence, I suppose, since I’m “wise beyond my years” but can lack common sense

🔮 I’m very excitable, open, polite and friendly, if not a bit aloof, flustered and socially awkward

🔮 I just wanna have a good time and enjoy myself, and I fluctuate between a good amount of confidence and feeling insecure

🔮 My entire personality is that I’m the sweetest soul to everyone, but I will go for the throat when genuinely wronged. Do no harm, take no shit

🔮 My love language is Physical Touch, though I also love making and giving gifts to people

🔮 I love the Arts, from Dance to Craftsmanship

🔮 Interests include Dungeons & Dragons, Lord of the Rings, Moomins, Fantasy, Cottagecore, Mythology, Animation, Witchcraft, Nintendo games and Food

🔮 I love going outside, I can’t stand being cooped up inside for days, it absolutely drives me insane

Heyyy!! I'm super happy to join the Zelda blogdom, thank you for the welcome!! Thank you so much for the request I hope you like it!! You sound like a wonderful person!! Remember to eat, rest, and stay hydrated💕

I match you with Mipha 🐟

🔮Do I hear Witchy Cottagecore Waifus???

🔮You and Mipha would be a great pair because you both love the outdoors. I mean she lives in the water and she would know the best hiking spots near waterfalls and rivers.

🔮Mipha gets a little nervous when you go poking things that could be dangerous so she's always close by. She loves your curious nature, she doesn't love when you try to look at a fish or glowing coral and fall into the river

🔮 All you have to do is ask and she'll take you up a waterfall with her. Shes a little nervous because of your illness, but she's a magic healer so those worries go away pretty fast.

🔮 Any time your illness does happen to pick up or get particularly bothersome she'll be ready to spend a day in with you. She'll bring you food, hold you close, and use that healing to massage the magic into your aches and pains

🔮I headcannon Mipha to have skin like a shark, so a but rough but also smooth(idk how to explain it) so cuddling with her would actually be nice. She gives off a heat that keeps you warm in the cool Zora temperatures and she'll read to you as you lay on her chest.

🔮She's also not opposed to being the little spoon so you would get to hold her whenever you wanted. Sometimes after long days with the other Champions or having to heal many others she'll come to you and nuzzle against your side. It's like a puppy asking for attention, she's just too shy to use words.

🔮One of Miphas favorite things is walking around and finding you napping. It could be the most random spot and you would be curled up, glasses slipping off your face. She thinks it's adorable. She'll always pick you up carefully and bring you back to your bed.

🔮 Mipha loves to read your books and you can often find her rereading one or, if you allow it, glancing over pages you're working on. She loves your writing and supporting you any way she can. 20/10 supportive gf

🔮 Mipha would never say it, but she gets very nervous around you when you practice punching. She might die if anyone read in her diary that your strength and your dedication is very attractive. She gets this moony eyed look and once you grinned at her in between sets. She has never tripped over herself so much in her life

🔮She does worry you'll end up with split knuckles from punching and, no matter how much she loves how strong you are, she'll be right there with a light scolding and her magic touch.

🔮Speaking of magic, you both have so many conversations about magic. You could go on for hours comparing the styles of magic and what helps you get in touch with that part of you.

🔮You both learned how to make charms so you could pass them along to eachother, some even having secret meanings only the two of you understand.

🔮You both also have dates where you go out to collect ingredients for you magical mixtures

🔮Your love of mythology would be fed by the Zora Domain seeing as they're fish people and all. You could wander around the Domain hand in hand asking questions about the history and what kind of sea creatures live within the depths of the waters.

🔮Mipha loves to answer your questions and you always answer hers about your art, you taught her to dance once and now she'll drag you to glowing arches in the rain so you can dance as the lights glitter off each raindrop

🔮Your ability to stand your ground would be great for Mipha because she's not the type to snap at people. You like to come with her when she goes places because you get to adventure and if someone even thinks of being rude to her, you're right there to put them in their place.

🔮 Mipha can stand up to people when she has to. A member of the Yiga clan once attacked you both and the moment they got the tiniest scratch on you was the angriest you had ever seen Mipha. You were pretty sure the Yiga clan was actually scared of the Zora now after the beating they got.

🔮When you suffer from intrusive thoughts and anxiety Mipha will sit beside you as long as you need. She will hold you close and let you talk things through if you need to

🔮If your thoughts are scaring you she will hear them out and give you reasons that she would never let anything bad happen to you. She never tells you it's silly or that it's impossible, she'll simply help you find an answer to the thoughts that can dispell your worries

🔮 She's your biggest cheerleader and the two of you never run out of things to talk about it do together. Whether it's quiet time napping and cuddling, or going out on adventures, the two of you are always together having a good time

🔮overall 10/10 cute couple who makes you feel their love just by being around them

[thecrazyanimegirl]

Spring anime 2020

There was really a small amount of stuff we watched this seasons alongside continuations like kaguya sama, furuba or ascendance of a bookworm. A somehow empty season, but still, have what we watched and our thoughts (a mostly personal review).

{ Winter ‘18 }  { Spring ‘18 }  { Summer ‘18 }  { Fall ‘18 }  { Winter ‘19 } { Spring ‘19 }  { Summer ‘19 }  { Fall ‘19 }  { Winter ‘20 }

Arte

It’s about a girl who wants to be an artist in a time that doesn’t accept female artists. She is determined, hard working and cheerful, so it’s a good show if you need to relax and catch some good feelings, but it’s not really a must see story or anything. 

BNA  (Brand New Animal) 

A true gem this season! Not a totally furry anime like Beastars, but if you watched it and also love Trigger’s animation style, this one is for you. BNA tells the story about two species, beasts that live in Animacity and humans who don’t like them that much. The story has the perfect pace and leaves you on the edge of your chair after each episode, also every character has a good backstory and development. Akidearest said that it is really predictable, and even though that’s mostly true, the progress of the story is satisfying and the characters make up for the predictability.

Gleipnir

Looked cool, sounded cool but the overall experience is kinda... meh? The premise and plot idea are really good and the possible plot twists are also promising but it just leaves you thirsty for something else/more. The fights are okay-ish but tend to go really badly animated (one fight is an exception). The music is pretty good and has that dark vibe (kinda like Future Diaries) but there just isn’t anything going on that makes you shiver, tense or worry for the characters while you watch. We found some comments that imply that the manga is way better so it would be maybe wiser to try that instead. 

Great Pretender

This one came as a nice surprise at the end of this season. An original anime made by Wit Studio centers around con artists and their ventures around the world. The engaging plot has a nice pace and makes you guess what is going to happen next, although it gets kinda predictable. It has action, humor, semi tragic backstories, drugs and races. The animation and music are really beautiful and an additional plus goes to the cats in the ending song. All in all, I would recommend it to anyone who searches for something fresh.

Kakushigoto

When I first read the synopsis where a gag ero mangaka tries to hide his job from his daughter, I was skeptical I have to admit, and expected inappropriate jokes and such. But it really proved me wrong! And ended up being this sweetest softest story! It’s not plot heavy, but the character interactions are filled with emotions, it even brought tears to my eyes and the whole overall feeling is soft and loving! Definitely would recommend if you want some warm family atmosphere, but also have a laugh ^^

My Next Life as a Villainess

Mc dies and is born again into the last otome that she played but as the villain character, the main rival girl, and she tries to improve her relationship with the characters to avoid her doom. Don’t expect too deep of a story since she will REALLY easily convince and befriend everyone without any hurdles. Exactly what you’d expect, it’s not going to blow you off your feet, especially plot wise, but the story is well executed, the humor is on point and the characters are typically good. If you like this type of stories or just want to relax, this one is pretty well done ~

Sing Yesterday for Me

Not really my type of plot, too much awkwardness and drama, but I just really had to finish it haha I found it somehow fascinating how many edges a love polygon can have and how many unrequited loves they could fit in one anime. But if you love a slow paced romance type of story, that focuses more on each persons view and their struggles as they learn to love, flirt but also how to move on, you might like it. 

Tower of God

Yes, the favorite of the season! A really good webcomic turned into an anime! If you haven’t heard about it already, go watch it, or better yet read it. The characters, even though they are numerous, are lovable and interesting, the plot builds well (especially in the later chapters of the webtoon, the first season of the anime is basically just the prologue). I’ve seen a lot of bad comments about the execution of the anime, but somehow I’m just really happy it even got animated and got such good voice actors! Yes, some scenes were done differently, and some scenes were cut that were important, but there’s no way to animate absolutely every scene, and they stuck to the story pretty well. The music was also good, the opening and ending are done by a korean band, Stray Kids, which means that it doesn’t have the typical shounen anime feel to it, but it’s still great ^^ A good anime and an even better webtoon! 

Wave, Listen to Me!

A woman starts working as a radio host after a bad relationship. I know, I know, it doesn’t sound great and probably a lot of people will skip this instantly, just like the other two mods of this blog, BUT! I really enjoyed it. It was somehow refreshing actually having an adult main character, not only kids and teens. Maybe it’s not plot heavy, but there are a lot of relatable or hilarious scenes. Also the voice actors did a really good job I think. The story is basically based on her monologues that get pretty lengthy. I know that the first episode I was like, wow that woman can talk! Well, it’s up to you whether you want to give it a shot, but if you need something a bit different, try it.

Looking forward to in the next season because they got moved from this one: Appare Ranman (an engineer and a samurai accidentally end up in america and decide to join the cross country car race haha, the visuals are cool so far, the story and pacing is okay, not something that blew us off our feet, but it’s funny and seems promising), The Millionaire Detective (ooh definitely looking forward to this one! James Bond and the local cop save the day, or something like that, the story isn’t groundbreaking, but it makes up with humor and characters so far), RE:ZERO it’s been yearssss

Some donghua’s that we ran into: All Saints Street (very shot, but is actually great, funny and cute, has the same vibe as Non-human/Fei Ren Zai, that one was also awesome), Antidote (shounen ai with a gangster and a sheltered rich boy, also there’s a cat, so far - cute)

Dropped:  Woodpecker Detective's Office (we’ll never find out who the killer is),  Bungou to Alchemist: Shinpan no Haguruma (its cool that is has japanese writers, but the story wasn’t that engrossing), Listeners (sorry mappa) 

[paullicino]

On the Internet

Taken from, and thus generously funded by, my Patreon. The above image via ExtraFabulousComics.

Do you have a flashlight nearby? A lamp, or other light source? Keep it to hand, it might become relevant for something, something I’d like to demonstrate later. The demonstration is simple and entirely voluntary, the flashlight is not essential. It works just as well as a thought experiment in your head.

Meanwhile, I’m going to write about the internet on the internet. Because that’s what we all do these days, isn’t it?

---

I still remember the excitement of our first explorations online. It was a kind of hidden, secret space of unknown dimensions when we found it as young adults. A weird sort of Narnia. A modem meant you could open this door to an entirely different place full of entirely different people obeying entirely different rules. You had to find ways of telling one another about what you’d found this week, either the next time you were together in person, via an email or, God forbid, by printing out a webpage. Twenty-five years ago, the internet was a collection of imperfect search engines (crawlers) taking you to out-of-the-way websites that were as likely to have been made by someone just like you as they were to belong to some major company or organisation. Its mess was egalitarian. It was a decentralised place full of curious corners and sudden surprises. It wasn’t somewhere we logged on to with an expectation of finding the familiar. It was a place of discovery.

It wasn’t simply that the tech wasn’t as good as it is nowadays. That much is obvious. It was the fumbling newness of the place. It was a primordial soup, we were all blobs and we blobbed around together, testing out the water.

It was a tremendously international space. It was easy to stumble across websites in other languages, to find places that weren’t for you, that were never created with you in mind, and at the very edges of these places their owners and their users might just blend together. Spill over, even. Everyone was from everywhere and they were all mingling, uncontrolled. It was liberating. It was mind-expanding.

The internet was exciting, it was new, it was unfamiliar. It was a place to learn. It was a place without an agenda.

It was also a place to be different. Niche interests found their audiences and young people could be united by what they enjoyed, not marginalised. There was no need to fit in when the place didn’t even fit together properly. For those of us bullied, bored, or worse in tiny homogenous hometowns, isolated or upset by the toxic social dynamics and popularity contests that school can create, it offered little judgement about what you should want or who you should be. It was a place to be genuine. 

I still remember the end of the 1990s, too. It was a decade of growth and change not just for a young generation, but for the wider world we were learning about. There was a peace deal in Northern Ireland, there was optimism in the media and there was a coming millennium that was supposed to be defined by technology and communication, the internet at its forefront. I was not a young man who could identify with very much of this optimism, but I was at least a young man looking forward to change, who could be accepted as who I was on the internet and who could be excited about what it represented. I’d never tried to be anyone else, even though being different rarely works out when you’re young, but now I knew for sure that I didn’t need to.

As my friends and I grew, so did the internet, and it became a place where we could share more about ourselves, where we could play together and where we found a bunch of ways of keeping in touch whenever we were apart. It became a tool to help me work, that kickstarted my career as a writer, as well as an ever-widening window on the world. It wasn’t yet too corporate, its websites and its tools not yet too monolithic.

I remember some of that early sharing. I remember talking to total strangers, a world away, about some part of my life or theirs. I remember talking to one internet friend of many years, who I never met, about British and American spelling. And about spelling in general. I remember they told me they weren’t sure how to spell a particular word and I said they could look it up in but a moment, since they were online there and then. “I can’t be bothered,” they replied, and that frustrated me so much.

The 90s passed and on September 11th 2001 whatever vision there was for the coming century was erased. The course of world events shifted immediately and dramatically. Never before had mass murder been so visible and so immediate. I remember talking not about how different the world was going to be, but that we had no idea how big a difference this would even make. In a very short space of time, it felt as if the world became not only so much more cruel and so much more cynical, but also so much more divided. I remember the weeks and months after those terror attacks as being my first experience of seeing people sharply divided in their politics, divided enough to be extremely angry, extremely offended, by the many suggestions of what should be done next. It set the scene.

As the decade continued, technology and communication certainly did change us. More of us were using the internet not only to talk, but for more and more of our everyday tasks. We were also sharing ourselves, too, in ways more personal and profound, and there was so much to know. I read a blog post by a Black woman from the American South describing the ways she had to bring up her son to interact with the wider world, how angry he was about it, how unfair it all was. I read updates from those caught in the civil war in Myanmar, talking about what they claimed the news didn’t show. I read about the realities of the rapid growth in Dubai, the working conditions and pollution. I read diary entries by people surviving the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina, weeks without power and wondering when help would come. I read about the world in a way I’d never been able to before.

More than ever, the internet was a library of lives.

The first trip overseas I took by myself was all planned, booked and executed with the help of the internet. I flew to Chicago, in the United States, and I stayed in the most average hotel in the most average neighbourhood and it was wonderful. I heard real cicadas for the first time and walked through concrete valleys between towering skyscrapers that my tiny mind couldn’t process. In the evenings, I watched a plethora of American news, which was only ever about America, and that frustrated me so much.

The first interview I ever conducted with someone who wasn’t making a video game was with the writer Mil Millington. The interviews I really wanted to do were about people, their experiences, what they liked and why they do the things they do. Mil Millington was the perfect subject because we had both written about games, we both understood the reach of the internet and we were both interested in what the future of this medium would be. He had recently scored a book deal and written his first novel, Things My Girlfriend and I Have Argued About, based on his semi-autobiographical, tongue-in-cheek blog of the same name, listing comic domestic disagreements. I asked him what it was like to share all of his personal life online and he told me that, actually, he didn’t:

“I'm, honestly, almost obsessively private. It's just the way I write that, for some reason, if I say, 'Margret won't let me watch a film in peace,' causes people to think, 'My God! Mil's laying his whole life bare!'”

And then I realised that he had, of course, chosen to share all the things that he had. And carefully. It didn’t mean that those things were less honest, less real or less interesting, but he had been doing what all of us writers do: picking his words and his moments. We should all get to share on our own terms.

I liked his honesty. He wasn’t trying to prop up any persona.

---

A little after this time, I was asked on a date by a conservative American woman who I met in my first year at university in London. We saw each other a few times and stayed in touch when she returned to California. A couple of years later, the American Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin spoke about “death panels” run by Britain’s National Health Service. Online, I expressed my annoyance and anger both at Palin just making things up, as well as at the volume of people who seemed to simply accept her words. My former date said that Palin was allowed to “express her opinion” and I didn’t know how to begin to explain, to an adult in her mid 20s, the difference between fact and opinion, or that she could check such things in a moment, since she was online. That frustrated me so much.

This discussion played out over a relatively new website called Facebook, which had become an invaluable way to connect with my fellow students. I had feared being alone at university, lost in a big city, but the opposite had happened. As soon as we all finished our first year of studies and were hurried out of our student residences, we scattered across the capital and the closeness I had taken for granted was suddenly lost. But Facebook became a directory of friendship, another library of lives. In its early days, I made jokes about people oversharing, or using the site to attract attention, but this wasn’t any different to how some of us might behave anywhere else. It wasn’t such a big deal. That’s just humans.

And anyway, I like to share. My whole life, I’ve enjoyed sharing things I think are important because I feel like it helps me make genuine connections, express myself and feel useful. I saw the internet becoming another way of doing this, another way to be genuine. The younger me had played in bands and held dreams of reaching other people through music, in awe of those moments when an audience sings an artist’s lyrics back to them. I still wanted that, that connection, or some version of it.

On the ever-growing internet, we could all share ourselves more. It could become a new medium for acceptance and understanding. What a glorious future it promised.

---

In time, I adopted all of the social media platforms that I use because I enjoy human connection and I think one of the fundamental traits of people is that they can be so interesting. They do stuff, they make things, they go places, they inspire and they pull humour out of the most difficult of situations like a conjurer tugging an elephant from a beanie. I’d like to be able to do those things. Some days I can barely make a pancake.

Social media allowed me to make and share even more, and now I was sharing things with two people at dinner, ten people at a party or a hundred people online. The number mattered less than the creation’s ability to connect, because it all helped me figure people out and it helped me figure myself out. It helped me figure everything out so that, perhaps one day, I might also learn the trick that lets you tug an elephant out of a beanie. I would be able to say to people “Ah yes, you start with the trunk,” or “Surprisingly, you pull from the tail.” Then they could pass that on. Social media seemed particularly good for this, a way for us to all enrich one another.

In 2008, a series of devastating terrorist attacks erupted across Mumbai. Many of the events were documented in real-time by both journalists and locals using Twitter, which made the site seem to me to be an invaluable new perspective on current events. By the start of the next decade, the Arab Spring saw a broad uprising across North Africa, with thousands of people united in protest by the unifying power of social media. It felt like these tools could change our world forever.

Some other things happened as that decade wound down.

A woman on Twitter made a poor joke about AIDS and Africa before boarding a flight, only to find that, by the time she had landed, her words had been shared around the world many millions of times. A woman in England was caught on camera putting a cat in a bin, the footage of which went viral and received such an overwhelmingly furious reaction that one national newspaper asked, only half-joking, if she was the most evil woman in Britain. These events were shared, discussed and dissected with a comparable passion and level of investment as the terrorist attacks and the Arab Spring. On the internet, a cat in a bin was becoming as important as terrorists in a hotel.

I flexed some cynical opinions. We all had opinions by then (though still not the same as facts), because it was increasingly difficult not to get swept up in things like these as and when they happened. They were everywhere, echoed and repeated, with a kind of mentality of momentum. Countless people changed their profile pictures to something green in support of protesters in Iran, or added a flag to support victims of terror in France. They signed internet petitions demanding Something Be Done, though it wasn’t always clear where these petitions would be delivered or how they would compel someone to act. None of these protesters or victims were in any way saved, protected or enabled by a person on the other side of the planet clicking their mouse like this, but if a million other people did it, those metrics created a validity of their own.

I think I remember the late 2000s as the time that I really began to feel different about these things. But by then, I was too bought in. It had already gone from a habit to a dependency.

Year by year, the internet had become less egalitarian. Monolithic sites and spaces were increasingly the center of the experience, whether hubs like MSN and Yahoo, social media sites like Facebook or Twitter, or popular news outlets. We found ourselves in the same places, over and over, and we relied on these for our new discoveries. While social media in particular pitched itself as something that put us all on the same level, behind the scenes levers were already being pulled to shape and to manipulate what was shown and shared.

(That’s okay, people told me. Turn on this feature, or adjust these options, and you get to pull your own levers. That’ll undo everything. You still get to share on your own terms.)

These sites had swelled to envelop us, going from making themselves exciting to making themselves essential. We no longer went online, we were online, always, and we left more and more of ourselves there even when we were away from our screens. Social media allowed you to collect everything together, becoming a place where you could simultaneously read updates from your friends, your parents, Leonardo Di Caprio, the Prime Minister, your favourite newspaper and your favourite sports team. All in a moment and all competing for your attention. Sites like Google and YouTube started to track and understand the preferences of their users, delivering to them more of what they wanted, working hard to grab and to keep their attention. You liked that dog, that topic, that politician? Here’s another.

Here’s another, again.

I was pulling levers all the time, frantically now, like someone operating locks and gates to try and dam an ever more overwhelming flow. My social media sites had changed from something that I used to something I had to manage. Not only were we all carefully curating who we broadcast to and when, lest we offend an employer or shock a relative, we also found ourselves trying to coordinate and customise them, because if we didn’t they would do this for us. They began to choose what to show us, based on what they believed we cared about, they began to offer us things, based on who they believed we were. They even began to mess with time, giving us information and updates out of chronological order. All of these were changes we often had to undo or at least be mindful of, if we even knew about them. If we wanted to. And if we knew how.

If we didn’t, our reality might shift.

---

I still remember the excitement of our first explorations online. My first favourite website was Snopes, which was then a collection of myths and urban legends, most of them debunked. In the late 90s, bullshit chainletter emails would bounce around the internet with stories about how some Russian scientists had drilled their way to hell, or how a new computer virus had come out, or how Coca Cola dissolved human teeth. Sometimes, the strangest of stories really were true, or at least partially so, but most of them were trash. Thanks to Snopes, you could check such things in a moment. I loved that about the internet.

On September 11th 2001, almost twenty years ago now, it was difficult to disagree about what we saw happening right in front of our eyes. Nevertheless, there were a few people afterward who insisted that a plane had not hit the Pentagon, that the towers had been deliberately demolished, that some more mysterious sequence of events had transpired. They lurked in the darkest corners of the internet, much as they had always existed on any other margins in any other mediums. The rest of us could get on with our lives.

I grew up playing games and then, later, I became someone who analysed, critiqued and even designed them. One of the most powerful and important things I learned through games is that so much in life is based around systems and the longer a system is around for, the better we become at manipulating it. When a game has been around for a long time, we find many different ways to play it and sometimes we have to adjust the rules of the game to account for this. The rules for chess that we have today have seen many adjustments and revisions. The same is true for football. It is also true for our laws and for our systems of government. We have to modify these things in part because times change, but also in part because they are being abused and exploited, subverted in ways their designers never imagined.

Or simply used as optimally as possible.

It’s 2021 and the internet monoliths that we have begun to take for granted, that have surged like the rising oceans to engulf our lives and to carry us along their currents, are constantly being used in ways their designers never imagined. Two years ago, we thought the biggest problem we had with social media and internet monoliths was their subversion to manipulate elections, with great armies of bots and fake profiles being created and directed faster than the people who owned social media sites being able to prevent this. This presence could bring amplification and validity to anyone or to anything. “Learn the algorithm,” was the key to success online. Use a site or social media platform in a particular way and it will elevate you further. Elevate your work. Or your truth. Or just you.

Now, more than a year and a half into a pandemic that defines our generation, the areas of the internet with which we’ve become most familiar and most comfortable, those which we began to pour our lives and identity into, are not only places where elections were subverted, they’re places where the difference between life and death are considered a matter of opinion, where science and fact can be openly ridiculed, where conspiracies about September 11th are tiny in comparison. For some time now they’ve already been well-worn battlefields, public arenas within which opinion and force of will often carry more weight than evidence and reason, but now the consequences of doubling down on a belief are undeniably the difference between living and dying.

More important, for some people, is the difference between right and wrong. Not so much being right, but being seen being right, can give you validity, clout, value. I think we’ve reached the point where dying while being seen as right can matter more than living and admitting a mistake.

The flow of the internet, all those locks and gates opened by algorithms or AI or other people’s decisions that may simply have been motivated by a desire to give us what we like, have made it more difficult than ever to find things that go against the current, or to grasp something we can be sure is objective or straightforward.

One part of me believes that we can no longer look things up in a moment any more, because we have to second-guess every other thing we find. As a journalist and researcher, I never feel secure with what I find on the internet now and I dig, I verify and I compare, still coming away unsure, often worried I will publish something glaringly incorrect. A different part of me, a more dramatic part, sometimes wonders which things are even real.

I suppose anything is real if you can get away with it. If nobody ever notices.

---

There’s another aspect to all this, the aspect that makes me the most uncomfortable. The aspect I least enjoy discussing, but which I have to if I can fully explain myself.

Living alongside the internet, I’ve watched as some of us pull all those levers simply to control the flow as best we can, to keep ourselves afloat, but others have viewed this experience differently. They’ve seen it as a challenge, as another system they can manipulate. It’s an opportunity for them to choose how they present themselves. The more levers they pull, the greater their ability to do so. The more time they invest, the greater the result.

If you take your flashlight, lamp or light source and point it toward an object, you can easily affect the size and the shape of the shadows it will cast. Under your control, those shadows can lengthen or deepen, they can sweep and distort. A light up close can cast a gigantic shadow across a far wall, perhaps a sharp one or perhaps one fuzzy and undefined. Try it. See what you can make. The more you do it, the more tricks you can learn.

All of us try to present our best selves and all of us have our different selves, too. Forty years before I ever went online, the sociologist Erving Goffman published The Presentation of Self in Everyday Life, a book about how we behave differently in different contexts. It’s natural for us to speak to our family in a different way to how we speak to our best friend, or to our colleagues, or to a crowd we might be addressing in a speech. It’s not necessarily disingenuous, it’s merely a part of the human experience. But impression management, as Goffman called it, is also a matter of degrees. Some people are more invested than others. If given the tools to perform more effective impression management, more levers they can pull, they will engage even further.

I have flexed a few cynical opinions in my life (at least as many as three, the stats suggest) but, at the same time, I think I have to admit that I have also been very naïve about people. I tend to take many of them on face value and assume they are genuine. Many of us are, perhaps even most of us. But I’ve come to know both that this isn’t always the case and that, given the opportunity, some people will use every tool at their disposal to shape a false version of themselves. We’ve found ourselves in an era where this is more possible than ever. It’s no longer simply within the purview of politicians and PR firms, it’s within reach of every one of us and all we need to do is put in the time and energy. The reward can be ever greater popularity, ever more validation

And I’m so tired of seeing this.

Over the past half decade or so, I have seen the internet and its many systems gamed more than ever. Gamed for political gain, gamed for personal gain and gamed to create images, personalities and that god-awful golem of hollow and lifeless artifice that is brand. Now a person can be a product, a new kind of commodity in this ever more opaque ecosystem.

The nausea and unhappiness I feel from all this is more than the simple declaration that I’m not a brand, I’m a person. It’s the discovery that other people, sometimes people I’ve known, really are a brand now. Their time, their energy, their life is now invested in shaping and maintaining that image, that brand, perhaps even at the expense of other pursuits. And with the right manipulations, the right tugging of the correct levers, they can perpetuate that, build that and further gain the affirmations and validations they need to prove to themselves that what they have created is as solid and as true and as real as anything else. And how would we know any different?

The ocean is not so far from my home. It’s not unusual to walk the beach or the seawall and see people engaged in impromptu photoshoots, dressed in their very best, expertly presented and shot with long lenses. A friend told me that most of these shoots are for the purpose of enriching dating profiles, that there’s an increasing feeling of expectation, a sense that everyone must present their very best selves, simply because everyone else now does so. To be on a dating site is to feel engaged in an ever-escalating competition for time and attention, to need to package oneself as the best possible product.

I don’t at all object to the idea of dating sites, but I could never get comfortable with them and I used to feel like I was browsing a human meat market, that it was all too easy for me to make judgements about people I didn’t know and then cast them aside. I felt, again, like people had become products and this was a system and a process I did not want to be part of. You can game it, people tried to tell me. There are ways to make it work better for you, it just takes a little time. I didn’t want to know.

The more time you spend trying to engage with things that aren’t genuine, the less you have for what is real.

When I use the internet these days it’s with an increasing sense of discomfort and disquiet. I find myself already on the lookout for the artificial. I second-guess people as much as I do information. I’m all too aware of the constructed persona and the deliberate framing, of that angling of a light to cast a particular shadow. In a few cases, this isn’t an abstract concern and social media in particular can be a place where I watch people I know are starkly different to the image they project be celebrated for the false façade they maintain, a façade that can be further reinforced by popularity and prominence. I see harmful and unhealthy people championed even in spite of their actions, because they have managed to engineer support and validation, or using the popularity and affirmation they have gained to push opinion over fact. The disingenuous and the distorted tie together like a greasy braid, each one reinforcing the other, and it’s no wonder falsehoods can spread so far, whether false representations or false information. I would say that sometimes I almost feel like I’m back at school, amongst the same gossip and garbage, but this is far worse than any of the toxic social dynamics and popularity contests that school ever created, and now it comes with measurable metrics in the form of likes, follows, retweets or subscriptions.

I’m sure, at this point, this is a common experience and common concern for most of us, and we are each finding our own ways to handle it.

Or not. For me, the experience is deeply unpleasant.

While drafting this I idly wondered if we could somehow develop a new version of Snopes for human beings. A demystifier of people, something that reveals each person’s private Picture of Dorian Gray, which grows ever more warped as they reinforce their persona ever more. But I’m sure even that would be gamed and subverted before too long.

I'm so, so tired of trying to work out who is real.

---

The internet monoliths I move between in my daily life all have one thing in common. Google, Twitch, Twitter, Instagram, YouTube, Tumblr, Facebook, Patreon and so many others are all based in the same place: the United States. They are towering. They overwhelm the rest of the internet. The levers that many of these pull, controlling currents and flow, are being operated in the United States. The politics, existential crises and cultural interests of that country are disproportionately represented and, while I care very much about the United States, I also want to hear about the rest of the world. I want to hear about where I live, and yet even that feels like it comes second. Yes, I am pulling all the levers that are supposed to make this happen. No, it isn’t entirely successful. I am using a paddle against a tsunami.

Once the bias is there, the snowball effect perpetuates. So often, whether I choose to or not, I am in that motel room watching a plethora of American news again, or its modern equivalent. It frustrates me so much. Most of us Westerners essentially live in America some of the time now, if we spend any period online. That’s where our presence and our attention are pointed.

Before publishing this essay, I changed every mention of “torch” to “flashlight” because I felt I had to cater to an internet that sees the first word only as a burning chunk of wood, not as a British battery-powered light source.

The internet doesn’t feel like the world any more. It hasn’t for a long time.

---

I can’t abandon the internet of today. I need it for work. I need it to promote the things I create. I need it to keep in touch with people. I’m not different or special, only someone too bought in as well, my use also going from a habit to a dependency. But it has almost entirely stopped being a place of delight and discovery. It has lost any sense of being egalitarian. So much less is new, so much less is unfamiliar. So much more has an agenda.

Algorithms, metrics and social media have quantified and gamified everything, encouraging competitiveness and narcissism. Public spaces have become arenas and arenas encourage performance. In an attention economy, the outrageous and the overblown mean a cat in a bin can have the same profile and presence as terrorists in a hotel. In spaces that now mix our friends, our parents, Leonardo Di Caprio, the Prime Minister, our favourite newspapers and our favourite sports teams, people we know and love are elevated or relegated according to how interesting an algorithm has decided they are, pushing them to the fore or pulling them from your view. “People on Twitter are the first to know,” says the social network that prides itself on immediacy more than integrity or fact-checking. Misinformation abounds. As the line between person and brand has smudged between all recognition, corporations insert themselves into and between everything else we try to examine. Surrounded by banner ads, the conflicts of polarised culture generate enormous revenue for monolithic American tech companies. As we fight, push our narratives, construct our personas or compete in the race to prove we are the most woke, we all make @Jack richer, or provide Zuck with more of our personal data.

I also find myself reminded of what Octavia Butler called “simple peck-order bullying,” the hierarchical behaviour where people want to, and now can, elevate themselves above others, according to identities they've built for themselves, to push their ideas, push their image, push their sense of superiority or push their opinions so hard that they can reshape them into facts. Anything is possible with enough pulling of enough levers. And now more people have more of those levers. And some of them love to pull and then push, pull and then push.

I don’t like what the internet has turned into, nor what it has turned people into.

So what now?

---

This was an essay inspired by an essay, inspired by an essay, which is always how it goes. Creativity is theft and anyone who says otherwise is only trying to distract you as they secretly shake you down. The eternal question that writers (or anyone creative) is supposed to dread is “Where do you get your ideas?” Because we aren’t supposed to know. But we do know. We get them from everyone else. We thieve them.

Ideas are pickpocketed from the people we pass in twisting evening alleyways, during the briefest moments of darkness and distraction. They’re caught with nets as they flutter with all the freedom of sweet springtime naivete. They’re spied upon from tremendous distances through the jealous lenses of sparkling telescopes. Nothing is truly ours and anyone wringing their words into a desperate defence of some unique capacity for originality ex nihilo is either deceptive or deluded.

(Avoid them. You’re likely their next target.)

This essay was heavily inspired by Lucy Bellwood reflecting on Nicole Brinkley. Both have written nuanced examinations of social media (focusing on Twitter) that I think you should make the time to read, but I’ll try and sum up the main thing I have taken from their writing in one line:

Social media is extremely bad, in a multitude of ways and for many complex reasons, and it is okay to leave it.

This is in so small part my interpretation, coloured by a particular belief I hold, that being that social media is extremely bad, in a multitude of ways and for many complex reasons, and it is okay to leave it. You can probably see why I approve.

There’s more to it than that. Brinkley talks about Twitter essentially breaking the way the Young Adult literature scene works, which to me is one facet of a dangerously seductive diamond that repeats many different stories of damage done by how we’ve used and gamed the internet. Her wonderful conclusion is that “These days it’s okay to not be sure what Twitter is for. We can stop going there until we figure it out.” And I so desperately wish I could stop going on the internet until I could figure out what it is for now, too. I wish it wasn’t essential. But it is, broken as it may be, breaking things as it may be.

While I don’t think leaving it is an option for me, I am using so much of it less. I have to. Social media, a place where I am shown arguments and controversy over the lives of people I care about, has become somewhere for me to hurriedly hurl out a quick update or two before I flee, escaping before I come across something, or even someone, that will make me sad. Any search box is a cause for scepticism, prompting me to analyse the results it gives and try a dozen different ways to find the same thing, just in case. Even Snopes is now a running commentary on the (American) news cycle. The best I can do whenever I think something fundamental to our society is unhealthy is to participate in that thing as little as possible. I know this limits my reach, limits my relevance and limits my success, but I also know that this makes me less unhappy and allows me to continue to feel genuine. Like I am still myself. Like I am still real. It may be apparent that my mental health has taken a few hits over the last couple of years. It doesn’t need to take any more.

I am not only unsure what Twitter is for, I am unsure what the whole internet is for.

---

There is no conclusion to this essay. It is supposed to be six thousand words of open-ended reflection. The past year or so has sometimes been a huge struggle for me and it really is true that some days I can barely make a pancake. Work has been difficult, writing has been difficult and maintaining regular Patreon updates has been difficult, with this piece being a huge challenge to finish. I think I’ve tried to make the best of things, as well as present an honest but still positive face to the world. I have piles of tasks to get through and I tackle what I can, with what feels like so much competing for my attention. At the same time, I can’t opt out of the systems I live and work inside of, much as I can’t stop paying rent or putting food in my mouth, because individuals can't kick a habit society has become dependent upon. I think the best thing I can do right now is be truthful about all that, try to remain as genuine as I can and continue to step away from what makes me uncomfortable, giving myself some distance from the things that make me unhappy.

That doesn’t mean I’m disappearing (I’m still checking in on social media, streaming on Twitch and so on), nor does it mean this change or this philosophy is forever, nor does it mean that things can’t improve. But it does mean I’m changing a few things about myself, my habits and my preferences. And it does mean I have a working, temporary, if unsatisfactory answer to the question “So what now?”

It is: “We’ll see.”

---

A big thanks to my Patreon community for the links I’m adding here, post-publication.

The first is How sex censorship killed the internet we love, on Endgadget, about controlling the internet in all sorts of ways and about what might be considered explicit (apparently a condom might be explicit).

Then there’s The internet Is Rotting, from the Atlantic, about bits of the internet that are disappearing and the loss of information that comes with it, as well as information that is overwritten and altered. We are keeping less than you might think.

Finally, The web began dying in 2014, here’s how, by André Staltz, talks about the growing prominence of big corporations (all American), what their priorities are, and what online things (services) they may bring to you.

[weirdthoughtsandideas]

My big conclusion post of my rewatch of season 3

I have previously described this season as a big fanfiction, and also the "love" season. I was completely right about the love thing - this season IS just 80 episodes of lovers quarrel. Is it like a fanfiction? Yeah, in some regards, but maybe not as much as I originally thought.

I sincerely hope Ludmila seeks therapy. Poor girl.

Parents like Priscila exists in real life and it's a bit interesting to see how she acts all nice and sweet and in a second switches to her real personality. It's also interesting to see how different people react to her. Ludmila, who grew up with her, has a hard time telling anyone something is wrong and gets quiet and does what her mother ones to not get in trouble. Violetta, who grew up with adults around her that treated her with love and care, immediately feels off when Priscila shows her true sides. She doesn't fall for her tricks. I also like that we don't know what happened to Priscila, all we know is that she is getting help.

I have said it before and I will say it again: EVERYONE LOST A BRAINCELL THIS SEASON EXCEPT JADE, WHO GAINED ONE

I really can't understand why Diecesca is the ultimate OTP, i'm sorry. Are they cute? Yes! But OTP worthy? No... I think my problem is that Francesca felt really bad at times for being a relationship with him. After their first kiss, she immediately said it felt wrong. She never wanted hide their love, she wanted to tell Violetta as soon as possible, because she hates lying. Diego told her time after time again that, no, they can't tell, and then sometimes he acted like it was her who didn't want to tell when it was he who had told her not to tell- this is confusing rdfhdxrju

Also Diego was like "we can break up if you don't want to lie" fdzhjk what

Also after their secret was out, they barely had any scenes except like. Casually hanging out.

ALSO I actually felt bad for Francesca, she so BADLY wanted to tell and SOMEONE always interrupted her

It's OOC for Violetta to dress up to spy on Leon - she would not do that. Spy on him? Yes. Create a secret identity? No. BUT I like the concept of her dressing up, Roxy is so different from her. It would have been much more fun if she and Fran just created secret identities for another reason - maybe they don't want to be themselves for once or smth and just... dress up. AND THEN THIS HAPPENS

DID FRANCESCA EVER FIND THE DIARY VILU GAVE HER THIS IS IMPORTANT I HAVE TO KNOW

Gery didn't start out annoying at first - she was kind of the whiny younger sister of Lara or smth. She was fine. And then she HAD to fuck shit up and be a bitch

Since Federico still lives in Vilu's house (even though he's not always home), I have liked the idea of him, Violetta and Ludmila just being chaotic siblings (because I, tbh, don't really ship Fedemila and there's a reason for that, that I will list further down. However, just like Fede and Vilu are a sibling duo, and Vilu and Ludmi also are a sibling duo, I kind of see how Fede and Ludmi also act like siblings)

There was a lot of... sexual undertones sometimes. It could be because i'm older and have a much more dirty mind than I did before, but also... Germán was afraid of Leon and Violetta being alone together in her room, Priscila straight up accused Angie of sleeping with Germán because she saw her in a morning gown, Diego was "so in love" with Francesca that it scared him, Olga tried to get Ramallo all season... hm

The songs are bops, but they are always bops

I lacked a lot of friendship moments, especially between Franletta >:c Season 2 made me ship them and then they give me very little content in season 3

They only had... 1 sleepover this season excuse the sleepover eps are the best ones

Diego and Leon had the most heated rivarly in season 2 and then they ?? barely interacted??? this season?? DION RIVARLY >> DION FRIENDSHIP

This was, as I said, the season of love, and yet my favorite love story was between Naty, Camila and Ludmila and it wasn't even "canon".

Naty legit tried to kiss Ludmila in a scene and Camila canonly wanted to practise kissing with her-

They were in Barcelona on 3 different occassions in under 20 episodes hrxfxjdk

Priscila is homophobic and I don't think I need to give y'all context

Ok but I honestly think Ludmila is a closeted lesbian and a big reason why she hasn't come to terms with it is because of her mother. This is likely also why Priscila dislikes Naty - because Naty is in some ways more "open" with who she is

Pablo and Angie should have been endgame and I feel like they just added Brenda so Pablo wouldn't be alone

The amount of evidence of Naty being gay I have after rewatching... I HAVE to make a video. I have to. It's coming, you'll see.

I can't get over how Leon just... knows Austin from Austin and Ally? He just appeared in his garage?? nedrmgsjkkewdhsue

Germán is a GOOD DAD. I got emotional every time he interacted with Ludmila

Also when Ludmila went inside Violetta's room and asked if she could sleep there ;v; THIS IS THE FAMILY SHE DESERVES

Priscila legit tried to kill several people I-

I... don't get emotional over the last episode. Last ep of season 1, when Violetta was gonna move away and said goodbye to her friends and family and then got to come back and Germán got to see her on stage? Emotional. Season 2, where everyone is having writer's block and Violetta is on the edge of literally being depressed and then her dad plays the piano on stage? Emotional. Season 3, where everyone is happy and get together again and they have a wedding and there are only good vibes all around? Cute. It's cute.

Now, I don't dislike season 3. On the contrary! I love it! It's just that... I like the previous seasons more. Especially season 2, the vibes in that season is so amazing.

I should've done a liveblog on my rewatch of s1 and s2 before hskdjdedhu maybe i'll do that one day, i'm sure I will rewatch them again in a near future.

Before you ask, I WILL NOT LIVEBLOG ON THE MOVIE. THE MOVIE IS A WATTPAD FANFICTION. The only things I like is the visuals and the soundtrack, and the fact that Leonetta probably had offscreen sex on the beach while waiting for rescue.

Anyway you know my post about how I would rewrite Violetta? Kinda want to do that now... though, I would change some things, like making Naty a lesbian and so on.

rkjlrusaudse I don't know what else to write I have so much and yet so little to say

But conclusion this liveblog of my rewatch of the season I remember the least about and FINALLY could watch again because swedish disney plus finally released it

Also I want to... make videos about it. I want to draw fanart. I want to write more fics. I want to... create an incorrect quotes blog or something of this show dshjfdrjue

If y'all want to get the full experience on me rewatching s3, click on the "sara rewatches season 3" tag and get access to all my random comments.

[crinkliedfries]

i was tagged by @collectoroflovelythings, thank you!! 

1. name/nickname: farren or sam! hazard is one of my (many) nicknames though :) 

2. gender: rock musician from like,,, the 70s to early 2000s. no i will not elaborate yes i will <3 

3. star sign: sagittarius

4. height: ,,,do i have to? 

5. time: 1:27

6. birthday: ;) (i googled it and apparently david bowie was nominated for an award for serious moonlight on my birthday [not in the same year though because it was in like. the 80s] and apparently i also share a birthday with les mis opening at the palace theatre!)

7. favorite bands/groups: queen, the amazing devil, bastille, bears in trees, nirvana*, mumford and sons, my chemical romance, pink floyd, waterparks, t. rex*(? i’m counting them), paramore*, the white stripes*, green day*, fleetwood mac*, fall out boy,,, and a handful of others but i can’t remember all their names right now 

8. favorite solo artist: elton john, david bowie, marc bolan, bruce springsteen, zella day, s.j. tucker*, regina spektor*, hozier, stevie nicks*, and a handful of others, i just can’t remember all their names right now 

(i’ve starred the ones i’m getting back into/haven’t heard as much of but enjoy what i have been able to listen to so far) 

9. song stuck in my head: wish you were here (pink floyd) 

10. last movie: diary of a wimpy kid movie (my sister wanted to watch it)

11. last show: schitt’s creek! 

12: when did i create this blog: i honestly don’t remember? it’s been a while though

13. what do i post: no one’s quite sure yet. and tomorrow? the same (but also? quite a few cats.)

14. last thing googled: "elton john playing the piano while marc bolan sits in it and there’s a giant yellow toothbrush” (i couldn’t remember the name of this video.)

15. other blogs: so,,, many,,, if you ask about any of them i will 100% tell you but i don’t want to list them all out there’s. quite a bit. 

16. do i get asks: depends! 

17. why did i choose this url: it’s a lyric in this song (all dead, all dead by queen--the link takes you to the specific part it’s at)! while it’s hard for me to choose favorite queen songs, this one,,, is definitely one of them, because it also fits into the strange subgenre of “written for/about/to an animal”. also, the cat in the video reminds me of a stuffed animal that i had when i was younger (actually, i think i still have her? both were named nala--i really liked the lion king and was, apparently, already getting into elton john before i even knew who he was) that i named after the first cat i had :,) (and we’re not going to talk about other possible reasons why i’ve gotten attached to this song) 

18. following: 598

19. followers: 506? roughly 

20. average hours of sleep: haha,,,

21. lucky number: i don’t really have one? 

22. instruments: okay so uh. gonna do these in linear order. so technically,,, i can sort of play the drums (i took lessons before we moved across the country), then i took up piano, then horn in f, then cello, then i kind of?? screwed around and figured out some stuff on the violin and viola (because of playing cello it wasn’t too hard, but i definitely don’t regularly play them), a bit of guitar (i’ve JUST recently gotten to playing chords. i’m working on it i promise), ukulele, working on accordion, kalimba, and bass guitar. because apparently, i can’t half-ass anything. on the bass guitar note: starting a band. help. 

23. what am i wearing: earlier i had a very nice lavender/lilac? not 100% sure which shade. button up with my black waistcoat and some cargo pants (because i accidentally spilled tea on my nice pants!). right now i’m in a hoodie and some comfy pants because,,, it’s almost time to try to sleep 

24: dream job: haha what do you mean the “future” “exists” 

25: dream trip: i wanna go see the,,, titanic wreck site. 

26. favorite food: food fails to stir a positive or negative emotion in me (bread. or macaroni.) 

27. nationality: american :/ 

28. favorite song: i can give a whole list if that’s acceptable 

29. last book read: Reading Hard but uhhhh i think either mercury and me or the hitchhiker’s guide to the galaxy? 

30. three fictional universes you’d like to live in: i automatically blanked on every fictional universe ever so. wonderland, an alternate universe that is vaguely adjacent to this one except that i get to be a time traveler solely so i can have the ability to go punch my father in the face when he was roughly twenty years old (and also throw popcorn at a handful of specific people. and maybe sneak into some concerts but mainly the first two reasons), and another alternate universe vaguely adjacent to this one except that we have somewhat domesticated bears so that they can be friends and i can hug them.

tagging @the-dapperest-of-simps @imadetheline @sister-simplice @cheshirecrime @blue-taco-soul-collector @long-live--the-lesbians @staringabyss @reallyraine @queer-crow-of-the-night @thatqueerchoirkid @tea-earl-grey-thot and anyone else who wants to!! i’m blanking on urls right now 

[jenmyeons]

catch up tag

tagged by my dearest @yeoldontknow hi kat, i love you 🥺💗

1. what do you prefer to be called name-wise?

my name is so short i’ve literally never been called a nickname in my life from people outside my family so calling me moa is absolutely fine <3

2. when is your birthday?

april 8

3. where do you live?

sweden

4. three things you are doing right now?

just got back from a workout so i’m doing this instead of taking a shower because i��m lazy and showering just feels like a drag today. i guess that would be three things? i’m really not doing much these days so that’s about as interesting as it gets as of right now!

5. four fandoms that have peaked your interest?

these days i’m not really invested in fandoms outside of kpop but historically i’ve been a marvel nerd and tv show fandoms like the vampire diaries and such but that was years and years ago 

6. how has the pandemic been treating you?

it sucks. i think it’s been rough for most people but the isolation of not being able to meet people and having to work from home really just made my depression worse and it also came with this fun upgraded social anxiety version but therapy helps keep me afloat and so does working out 3-4 times a week but i miss meeting people freely and i really miss hugging grandma and hanging out with her but restrictions aren’t super bad over here for now so i can still venture outside for christmas shopping so i guess that’s a plus

7. a song you can’t stop listening to?

as of right now i’ll say kai - nothing on me 

8. recommend a movie?

i don’t really watch a lot of movies to be honest so i don’t have any movie recs 

9. how old are you?

21

10. school, university, occupation, other?

i work customer service for an electricity company but strained my voice due to stress so i haven’t worked a day since middle of september. technically still employed but won’t work until maybe beginning of january if i’m lucky and since my employers are dumbasses who refuse to give me other tasks than talking over the phone with customers i honestly need to look for a new job which doesn’t involve talking non-stop 8h/day but we’ll see what happens next!

11. do you prefer heat or cold?

i love dressing in cozy clothes in winter but since winters last from like november to middle of april here and it’s just darkness all of nov-dec then freeze your butt off for another 3,5 months after that i get pretty fed up i find myself preferring summer, they aren’t awfully hot up here anyway. however i do sweat easily so that’s a downside and i much prefer sleeping where it’s cold rather than not being able to sleep because it’s too damn hot i guess i like a healthy mix of both? i don’t know i’m overthinking it at this point sfjdgh

12. name one fact others may not know about you?

no thoughts, head empty. i can’t think of anything right now but i’m a pretty open book so 🤷🏼‍♀️

13. are you shy?

not really! i can be about some things and i guess i don’t talk a lot unless i’m comfortable or nervous but not really shy if that makes sense?

14. preferred pronouns?

she/her ✨

15. biggest pet peeves?

when people chew loudly, when people only focus on the negative (guilty of doing this too ofc but it’s still annoying), when people pry too much and don’t stay out of other people’s business, people who are unable to take constructive criticism, when people are rude for no reason... the list goes on lol

16. what is your favorite ‘dere’ type?

i don’t have one

17. how would you rate your life from 1-10, 1 being crappy and 10 being the best it could be?

meaning my life right now? maybe 5? 7 on a good day

18. what is your main blog?

this one - jenmyeons!

20. is there something people need to know about you before they become friends?

i’m a very warm person but i'm equally blunt and don’t sugarcoat things so i guess that can be a bit off-putting however we're probably pretty close friends if i call you out on your bs. what can i say? it’s all love, i’m just an impatient aries hehe. i talk a lot and if i’m uncomfortable or nervous it gets 10x worse but that doesn’t mean i don’t care about what you have to say, i just have a hard time shutting up. me being short with my replies or quiet probably means something is wrong or i’m tired but i’m an open book so just ask what’s up and i’ll most likely give you the full rundown of what’s bothering me so be prepared and don’t ask unless you actually want to know lmao. i guess i can just be a bit intense but i swear i’m nice! @kyungseokie would probably describe me as being babie so that may be something to keep in mind before befriending me as well sfdjghkfg

tagging the usual gang @kyungseokie @j-pping @softly-savage-mint-yoongi @vroomvroombaek and anyone else who wants to do this, i’d love to hear how everyone is doing <3

[thelivebookproject]

10 Questions Tag (2)

[Similar tags] [Another 10 Questions Tag]

Tagged by @storytime-reviews, thank you!

1. What is your favourite genre and why?

It's probably fantasy. I read very widely, accross (almost) all genres, and even though I'm very fond of feel-good contemporary fiction too, I started reading thanks to fantasy books and I always come back to it.

2. How did you get into booklr?

I don't really remember? I had a blog, once upon a time, but I decided I wanted something different. I'd been seeing posts about tumblr for a long time, so I was kind of familiar with it, and after debating opening a tumblr versus a wordpress, I decided to make a tumblr because it seemed way more interactive and interesting.

3. Can you remember the first novel you read, and what you loved about it?

I've always been a reader, but, if we ignore abridged versions of classics novels, one the first novels I remember reading is actually from a series by Lisbeth Werner about a girl called Puck and her group of friends having adventures in Denmark. I don't know who they belonged to, but in my grandmother's home there are like six or seven novels of this series, very old and quite unkempt, and I read them so many times I can even remember some of the adventures.

Other than that, I also remember The Famous Five, also courtesy of my grandmother's house (summer holidays are always, always spent there, even today, so I always read quite a lot hahaha), and Harry Potter. 

4. Who are some of your favourite children's authors?

The aforementioned ones, plus Roald Dahl, and Spanish Ana Bermejo (though she writes more for tweens). I'm sure there are a lot more I like, but I can't remember any right now.

5. What are some classics you love and ones you hate?

I absolutely love Pride and Prejudice. It's my favourite ever. Other than that, I also really like Emma, A Tale of Two Cities, every Agatha Christie ever written, and Frankenstein. Pygmalion and The Three Musketeers were also fun, and Les Mis was fantastic. 

Hate is a strong word, but I disliked Jane Eyre, Dr Jekyll and Mr Hide, and The Portrait of Dorian Grey. I'm sure there are more that I really hated, but I can't remember any! 

And, as a personal note, I can't deal with Don Quixote. My primary school was called Cervantes, so the star theme was this book, and during the years I've had to read so many adaptations of it (once we even watched a children's TV series of it!) I came to dislike everything about it. If I ever have to read it again, I'll scream. 

6. What is your favourite read of the year so far?

Mmmmm. I've read some super good books this year, but the best so far have been Becoming, by Michelle Obama, and Wordslut: A Feminist Guide to Taking Back the English Language, by Amanda Montell. Curiously, both are non-fiction!

7. Do you read/write fanfiction?

I read a lot of fanfiction!!

8. What are your reading goals for the rest of the year? And next year?

To tackle my 20 in 20 list, I need to read 85 books (I've read 68 so far), 2 more non-fiction books, 3 more classics, and 6 more books in French. I also need to read North and South (by Elizabeth Gaskell), and finish my Reading Ibero-America challenge.

And for next year, who knows? We'll see.

9. What are some book to film/tv adaptations you love? And why?

My favourite film adaptations are Pride and Prejudice 2005, the Harry Potter films, and The Lord of the Rings films. I think that they are adaptations made with love and with respect, and it shows: they truly recreate the characters, the scenes, the feelings, and the plot of the book, even when they are not 100% accurate. 

Another adaptation I absolutely love is The Lizzie Bennet Diaries. So fun!

10. Is there a book that lots of people rec that you just instinctively know you would hate to read?

The Throne of Glass series, for sure.

Because I've been asking so many questions lately for my interviews and I can't think of new ones, I'm going to repeat the questions from the last time I did this:

How has your quarantine been?

Biggest pet peeves (in general)?

What book(s) are you reading right now?

What’s your favourite thing about bookblr?

How are your yearly goals looking?

What’s a curious thing about you/your personality/your life?

If you could be an animal, which one would you choose?

Rec me a book!

How many languages do you speak?

Tell me a childhood memory.

I leave this open! Please tag me so I can see your answers, and yes, I mean you.

[fantranslatorbychoice]

Oh glob, what have I gotten myself into? Just some long updates lol XD

Well, the year’s almost over, and it’s already the second half. The first half was too much and to be honest, I had to swim with the circumstances I am in right now so I had to put this passion non-profit project on hold, like seriously. But I did started translating the first few pages as early as December last year, as my very nice benefactor actually sent me the rest of the entire set of the Kakuriyo no Yadomeshi series after sending off the first 4 volumes. Probably read the entire thing first. But hey, free stuff is free so why complain. Plus my benefactor actually got the entire set for a steal, won’t say how much but in Amazon Japan, the last time I checked the whole set is roughly around $150 or a bit around that. and that’s just the first 7 volumes. Probably there’s an entire set now that’s about $200, as the final volume was released around August 2019.

Spoiler alert: the entire light novel series is made up of 10 volumes, so if you read it, the afterword by Yuuma-sensei specifically says that volume 10 is the final one, and Yuuma-sensei feels sad about it.

Yeah I highlighted that part in red, just in case many Kakuriyo fans still have some extreme hunger pangs or are unsure whether the novel series has ended. Here you go, straight from the horse’s mouth. Yuuma-sensei also has another Ayakashi light novel series, 浅草鬼嫁日記, roughly-translated to “Asakusa Wife from Hell Diaries”. Seems fun, they’re literally ogres - Oni living in the real world, like a reverse Kakuriyo thing. Who knows, maybe someday I can score that series too lol. The writer really likes Ayakashi, if it’s not that obvious yet 草 草 草 草  yeah I write kusa lol oml I should stop... But returning to the Kakuriyo series.. I won’t spoil what happened lol but I will probably make a commentary on that once I get the translations up and running.

Which leads me to my next announcement:

I PLAN TO UPLOAD THE DIRECT TRANSLATIONS OF JUST THE INTERMISSIONS/INTERLUDES ( 幕間 ) AND THE AFTERWORDS (あとがき) OF EACH VOLUME.

Chapter 5 is the only complete and full English Translation that I will be uploading here, and the rest will be summarized versions of the chapters plus my translation notes and commentaries.

Bummer, right?

Well, to be honest, after starting my initial translations I ran into several issues which made me feel sucker-punched and added to the stuff I’m worried about:

Issues regarding plagiarism (either my stuff getting plagiarized or potentially being accused of it)

Translating everything actually takes too long, even for me (I’ll explain that later)

More serious issues like possible DMCA-ish complaints (won’t want my hardwork just getting flagged and killed)

Personal stuff piling up and affecting my momentum

To be honest, when I received the books, I was so excited to work with them and upload as much as I can. But lots of things happened one after another, plus the worldwide issue that we have right now, so doing fun stuff wasn’t at the front of my priorities. So at the moment, I am mostly offline, by necessity, like connection is slower and with data cap, so I mostly do my translations with whatever hardcopies of dictionaries that I have on hand, offline. It’s good and all since I can put my skills to the test, but it can be expected that not all of the words are available in the books so I still have to hook on Jisho just to find the missing words I need. So my stuff pretty much looks like this:

I could just take pictures of these and upload them here but the maximum number of pics that tumblr allows is 15, and good glob I have more than 15 pages of translated material. Plus, as you can see above, some parts are untranslated and I had to find them in Jisho once I get online, so right now I have about 50% word-processed with the raw parts cooked, and I only have 12 raw pages remaining to be cooked and hashed lol

Which leads me to my next issues: my slowness (yeah I have to surrender on my slowness) and my fears regarding plagiarism.

I actually only started doing these translations in full blast around 2 months ago, and eventually I had to slow down so I won’t get bogged down since I also do other stuff. But I found out that ploughing through it can get quite draining. I started thinking that fan-subbing and scanlating were easier because aside from working digitally, these were also mostly done in teams so work time gets cut. Well, those were the days lol But for this one, aside from flying solo, I had to use all of my offline resources a lot, like doing everything by hand. It finally broke me about half-way and I had to step away from it, like reaaaaally step away from it. I thought I could finish 50+ pages in a span of a week. Well, I wasn’t exactly wrong there, but I also had other stuff to do, and if I just read it like I would any book without having to do anything, it’s a done deal. But having to translate stuff was draining, I felt frustrated so it broke me. I have to write each page by hand, leave out the words I can’t find or don’t know, and move on to the next page until my body stops working. Rinse and repeat until I could finish about 10 pages and get on with the typesetting and completing the missing parts. That takes a while so I just do my best to be patient.

Then the thoughts of plagiarism popped in and out, like I started thinking how to ensure that my stuff doesn’t get stolen and reposted elsewhere, or worse, getting my site shut down because fan translations are ambiguously illegal, like fansubs and scanlations, and I think those were what got me the most, so I just gave up midway. I’d say ambiguously illegal because if a series or title wasn’t licensed elsewhere then translating it is a fair game. But if it’s already released as a translated version by publishers, then releasing a translated version is like labelled as stealing, even if it’s non-profit. Of course profiteering is the worst, some steal what others work hard for, that they did for free, and sell them off. Scumbags to the bone smh I do my best to be within the fair use thing since I understand how much effort is made in creating content, so at present I have just decided to just put up the intermissions and the afterwords because aside from these being only a few pages long, it’s less likely to get whacked. Plus it’s easier for my psyche to just sum up each chapter and add some comments on it so it won’t be taken down, plus I wont’ be too-attached so even if some nutjobs repost it elsewhere because some people are just unempathetic like that, at least I won’t be as resentful. Plus the afterwords are just so cute, Yuuma-sensei gives off an adorable and relatable vibe, so I feel like aside from just showing off her stories, I think she needs to get signal-boosted too, so people would have an idea on who wrote this hunger-inducing light novel series lol.  I only started to pick up the whole thing again about a week ago, and I still wasn’t fast but at least I got to add at least 20 more pages translated, plus I started to type the first pages and add the missing words so at the very least, I felt some sort of achievement. It gave me some hope, and to be honest I have been doing this to maintain my sanity even for just a bit, so I guess I will do my best to bring Yuuma-sensei’s work out into the world. It’s a really good series, and it got animated into 2 seasons, plus the manga’s out, so that says a lot on how the series caught on. It can’t be denied that it’s a really engrossing series, so I don’t see any reason why this really good series should remain hidden. It probably has a lot of fans but aren’t being too attached into it because of language barriers, and even in my own way, I would like to bridge that gap. I mean, I may have slow internet that can only open mails in basic html but hey, this is the least I could do for the fandom. It’s not like I spew out doujin stuff or anything lol

OK, so summing up this long-ass update:

Chapter 5 - The Mysterious Capital Youto** - coming soon

Will just translate the intermissions and afterwords into English

English summaries of the chapters plus commentaries will be uploaded

Please don’t expect any fast uploads lol it’s not like I do ctrl+A into Google translate and slap it in here. Nothing against doing that but.. uhm, sometimes AI don’t get the nuances translated, and a lot gets lost in translation, so at best, anything done by some trash enthusiast, even noobs can still have some oomph in it that soulless beings can’t even top off. But hey, that’s just my opinion lol

So yeah, there you have it, a long update. Oh, and I changed the name of this blog because I have other raw stuff that I may be able to put here without any fear of being taken down because they’re in the public domain, so they’re all fair game since I don’t get any profit from them anyway and others may also appreciate them too. Hint: One is a series of Japanese classic  fantasy short stories, the other one is a set of instructional manuals on how to write kana and kanji in ballpen and brushpens. They’re a bit lighter so once I get Chapter 5 up I’ll do them as soon as I get rested.

See you all later and thank you for stumbling in this blog. xoxoxo

[heavenzfiend]

Hello my dear! Thought I'd drop by your lovely blog and ask you a few burning questions myself! 🤣💕1. What inspired you to start writing fanfiction? 2. Which work of yours are you particularly proud of? 3. What is your favourite K-drama of all time? Hope you're having a lovely day!! - XOXO

Hi dear!!! Thank you for your "burning" questions 🤣❤. Did you know that in my many, many years of being active on Tumblr, this was one of the first Asks I've ever gotten?! 🤣 I don't know if I'm intimidating or aloof but this whole Ask thing is still unfamiliar to me as the day I started this blog since I've never had many Asks during my Tumblr career so hope I'm... using this thing correctly! 😨😅 Super long answers incoming:

1. What inspired me to write fanfics?! Hmm... So I actually wrote kpop fanfics long time ago, in my middle/high school days with my bestie and we would be the MCs and the hot boys of Dong Bang Shin Ki were our love interests 🤣. This was before the rest of the world even knew of kpop, really. We wrote multi-chaptered, epic stories on scraps of paper, exchange diaries, and on FLOPPY DISKS. I still have the physical copies of few, rare chapters but the floppy disk ones are gone when my disks just stopped working one day 😭😭😭 sad, sad loss... These were never published online and also completely written in Korean haha.

(TVXQ/DBSK will forever have a special place in my heart as my forever oppas, despite... scandals and fallouts in recent times. They were legends of their time, almost the founding fathers of modern kpop I'd say.)

There was a period when I wrote and published a jpop fic for a group called LEAD... wow, that sure takes me back. I don't even remember where I posted that (some jpop forum), what the title was, or if it is still floating around somewhere but yea, it happened.

(Akira Kagimoto, on the left, is whom I had wrote a story for?! It was super angsty too, I rememeber 🤣🤣🤣 My young ass was so wild. I don't even remember why I wrote it since my favorite was absolutely Keita Furuya [middle]... 🤔)

Erm, other than this, I didn't consider myself a writer nor wanted to create anything until I played Samurai Love Ballad Party and that game got me so, so hooked that I started devouring fics (cough, smut) religiously and then opening up and actually befriending writer friends made me more confident in trying out writing myself. I think I just really wanted to write a threesome/foursome for Hideyoshi, Kiyomasa, and Masanori 🤣. My thirst was REAL. I tested out my abilities by writing the Inuchiyo T-rated fic and then I just went for the threesome, when I was like hmm maybe I’m not too shabs 🤣. 

2. Which works am I particularly proud of?! *Checks myself on AO3* Apparently I wrote 21 stories so far! Woohoo! 

Helping Hands  is definitely a special one for me, which started me off on smut-writing in general! As mentioned above, I just really wanted to bang all 3 guys (at the same time?!) and I made it happen and I’m super proud of myself for what I created! 🥰

Alone Again is just... words can’t describe how special that one is to me! Even now, whenever I think of Ieyasu and that MC, my heart just... :’) It makes me smile a very, very bitter smile. Why do I like to HURT so badly?! 😅

3. My favorite Kdrama of all time?!?!?! OMG girl, I have seen SO many Kdramas in my lifetime haha. I would say, in terms of more recent ones, I have to give it up to:

Because This Is My First Life. This drama, I cannot say enough good things about! It’s on Netflix now so I want everyone to check it out, please!!! It’s just so, so good! Ever since I watched this drama, I went on a 2 year+ hiatus on Kdramas because... I don’t know. I felt like nothing could ever top this for me, haha. And I’m STILL in that kdrama slump! I just can never forget this masterpiece! 

It’s about two strangers getting married (fake) for differing reasons relating to housing, like familial pressure/societal pressure/wanting to live with a roommate whom they will never fall for (HA!). 

Lee Minki is just amazing as the male lead and Jung So Min is ADORABLE here. I can’t recommend it enough, seriously! 

Another drama I wanna throw out here is called Wedding, featuring Jang Nara and Ryu Siwon! This one is one of my ABSOLUTE favorites that I come back to time and time again! It’s crazy because I feel like it’s not that popular and no one ever talks about it (in Korea or International!) but I really like it! My mom thinks it was rather boring (?!) which I don’t really get but I guess I’m just special then. It’s about a stoic but genuine/smart guy who meets a cheerful, sweet-yet-ditzy girl through marriage set-up and they get married! It’s about their relationship progressing. Things develop rather slowly but seeing them holding hands, becoming husband/wife, then angsttttt central... I just really love this drama! There is no “villain/villainess” in this drama, which I think makes people think it’s on the boring side. I don’t mind it at all because we use all 20 episodes seeing their love develop! 

It’s a bit on the older side, 2005, but I watch clips of this drama all the time to this day XD. It’s a classic for me, at least! 

Anyways, wow, this turned out SUPER LONG!!! I enjoyed answering your Qs! Thank you so much lovely! Have a wonderful day! 😘😘😘

[lockdownuk]

Lockdown Diary Part 4

A personal account during the lockdown in the UK due to the Covid-19 outbreak.

23/03/2020 8:30pm Boris Johnson, UK Prime Minister, gives a live address to the nation to, effectively, put the country on lockdown to stem the spread of the deadly coronavirus strain, Covid-19.

Many of us have been self-isolating for days but this latest development within the UK in reaction to the pandemic feels very serious and very scary. I decided to keep a simple diary and where better but online.

Day91: I can’t post photos to the sister photo diary and it’s fucking me off. Using this as a place holder- last successful pic was 21/06/2020.

Day 92: Still awaiting Tumblr re: day 91′s entry. Meanwhile looking at other blog/diary sites. Very warm today, like it was throughout May. Boris announced a further relaxation in lockdown measures which includes reducing the 2m distancing instruction which paves the way for pubs, restaurants and other places to open on 4th  . It looks like the Ship will open 6th July, George on the 4th. I await to see the measures put in place before deciding whther it’s a goer.

Day93: Typing on day 94 - I received an email from Deryn from RCI HR concerning placement online module attendance, thanking me for my participation. I was somewhat confused. Was this a mistake or was I erroneously not icluded in the initial communications? I fired off an email to HR and WhatsApp’d Jim. He replied that I should take it up with HR.

I am worried by this. Furlough ends this week and I know not what the fuck is going on.

Day 94: Had a few beers last night, ‘cos I was feeling deflated over work. Finished Homecoming S2, which was very good, and cancelled Amazon Prime before the free trial ends tomorrow. Got up @midday but haven’t done jack shit today as my right ankle is playing up - it was twinging last night - apart from press ups. No word back from RCI but there was a notification that the email from Deryn was attempted to be recalled. Had a spat in Co-Op wth two lads who were ignoring the one way system and social-distancing. It makes my blood boil and I had to say something which ended up making my blood boil even more…especially as one of them asked me to ‘crack on’. It’s a pretty cool response actually, since I had them bang to rights but, at the time, I thought I was going to bust a blood vessel. I walked away having told him to not speak to me like that again and that he was a fucking arsehole! Didn’t make me feel any better though. Fog’s chatting later so I’m going to have a few beers right now (just gone 8pm) - I feel like throwing caution to the wind for some reason (probably work more than anything else).

Day 95: Typing on Day 96. I had a lot of beers with Fog the night before last and felt like shit all day yesterday. Still managed to drag myself up to Foggy’s and have socially distanced beers in his garden with Noel and Lord Irish of Michael.

Day 96: Feeling like shit. Third day of no walking ‘cos my ankle is a little sore although I did walk back from Foggy’s last night.

Day 97: Two walks and my usual stair climb today. Felt good to get back to routine. Plus, no booze yesterday, even tho’ it was a Saturday, feel better for it. I heard from Sue Cockings from HR on Friday, btw, still furloughed until further notice.

Day 98: I discovered, yesterday, that today is actually day 99 of lockdown since it actually begun on the Sunday evening that Boris Johnson announced the measures being in place - I mistakenly thought it began on the Monday. Tumblr still haven’t got back to me regarding reviewing why this blog is deemed ‘sensitive’ and I can’t add any more pics. While I am typing, Northampton are beating Exeter 0-2 at Wembley in the L2 play-off final. It’s funny that their fans can’t be there to see it. Football, in general, on its return after lockdown, without fans in attendance, is shit - like watching women’s football - too many empty seats.

Day 100: I have decided to number the days correctly (See prev’ entry). It’s a good time as I had to export , delete and recreate this blog on Tumblr since they have been non-forthcoming in my request for info as to why they deemed it ‘sensitive’. So, this is a restart, altrough seemless to the reader. On top of all that, I am writing this on Day 101! After restarting the blog diary I forgot to add the day’s entry! Bumped into Roger on my second walk, at the top of Basset Ford Place. We chatted for an hour or so. It was really good to see him and talk. We’ve made a promise to interact more...it seems both he and I allow ourselves to get down in the dumps (easy in self-isolation) and, as such, we shall try to reach out as and when. He suggested a walk together every now and then.

Day 101: I heard back from a charitable services company that Barry Haddon (who, coincidentally, I spoke with today) told me about (Auriga)and answered their email questions. BNarry rates them and told me they got him some decent results like he no longer has to pay Council Tax. I tweeted Chris Hawkes on Radio 6 this morning...he was asking for examples of sames names (’cos he had Dave Gorman on) so I told him about The Redlion and the ad the ‘other’ Tim put in the ET. He read it out! I created a photo album of 101 pics I’ve taken in lockdown and put it on FB including the Oundle Chatter group. The comments were great. My right eyesight is worrying, I cannot make out close up detail i.e. reading is blurred. I am going to start doing 10 press ups after each exercise i.e. three times a day. I decided that during my second walk so today I’ve done 20. Lastly, I have new neighbours I do believe. Hmmm.

Day 102: Emailed dad and Rita to have a rant about what dad thought of the Leicester lockdown and to share a link to my 101 photo album. Had a long Messenger chat with Rog.

Day 103: Typing this on day 104. Dad called when I was out ona  walk so we skyped when I got back. He looks really well! Advided me on how to cutt some branches that are hanging low (I asked him in the email yesterday). I then borrowed a saw, secateurs and green bin from Karen. I walked a long way today. My second walk was 9km.I then had loads of beers! The Co-Op car park seems to be the venue for youngsters to hang out. I was gone 2am before they finished partying. I (re)watched Steve Jobs. Wow....just wow. What a film and what a man!

Day 104: It was gone 1:30pm when I got up feeling the worse for wear. A chilli, chorizo and cheese omelette really sorted me out but no beer tonight. How my Saturday frame of mind has changed from just a few years ago. Elliot and Camilla dropped off a jar of japaenos (that Mil had WhatsApp’d me about) and, among other things, we chatted about a photo Tracie Garrett circulated featuring Ell, me her and a few others who met up to have a drink at The Haycock for Ron Gambling. In it was Cath and someone called Ross (who I don’t remember) who have both passed since the pic (July ‘99). I feel strangely saddened by it all. The pic itself is such a reminder of days past - it conjours up shit loads of different feelings.

Day 105: A few beers again last night so another late one (5ish) but up before noon. Finished watching a series called Condor. Pretty good - bit of a messy ending that is the norm with telly nowadays in that it is a little bit of a cliffhanger.

Day 106: The Ship reopened today. I left a nice message on the Virtual Pub group page wishing them the best plus said thanks to Rach. I think it will be the end of the laugh we’ve had on the virtual site now. I expect to go through a bit of a miserabel time with people now venturing out down the pubs.We were once all united in lockdown - that will no longer be the case. Met Rog for a walk - did over 7km oncluding through Barnwell Picnic Park - I don’t remember it being that pretty. defo going to go there again. Got an email from RCI asking for all furlough workers to join a Zoom meeting tomorrow with Paul (MD) and Deryn (HR). Ominous! Went shopping in Asda and Farm Foods. £100 with NO BOOZE!

Day 107: The zoom call today didn’t tell me much other than we are being furloughed still, until further notice. It was susggested that we have a zoom meeting every 2 weeks and that RCI recognise we’ve be left out in the cold somewhat. I appreciate that very much.There were 30 of us on the call plus Paul and Deryn were in the office since they had to make peopel redundant today. Mark was in the office earlier to take receivership of the IT kits from those that left.

Day 108: I am well on the way to doing 1,000,000 steps in theree months (July, August & September) but at what cost. I’ve done well over 11,000 steps each day in July (actually, a lot of days in June as well) apart from one (8k) and I am feeling it. My right leg/ankle is sore! Day 109: I had another mention by Chris Hawkins on Radio 6. He asked for Brian May moments - apparently when he met Brian May he was so starstruck that all he could say was ‘thank you for the music’. I tweeted my story of telling Felicity Kendall to have a good life. Today, both my walks have resulted in me getting fucking soaked. Hanna S2 is on Amazon Prime. Time for yet another free trial (number 4 or 5).

Day 110: I have walked 144,448 steps in 10 days, well on the way to a million steps in three months. The Heist of the Century - an Argentinian film based on true events - watched it last night (well, over two nights, actually). A real life Ocean’s Eleven (but with 6). Brilliant film, brilliat story. I had issues signing up to another Amazon Prime free trial last night so I set up another gmail a/c just now and I think I’m in. I used Danny’s Gmail (which I created over 15 years ago!) and it didn’t like it - I think I must have used it before. I reckon I have probably had loads more free trials than I care to remember. Anyway, off to watch me some Hanna!

Day 111: Very tired as I type. Bed at around 5am, up at 13:30, normal exercises, cleaning kitchen cupbaords and I’m done in. It’s 10:30pm now, just cracked open a beer and about to watch a new Netflix film “The Old Guard”. I would continue with Hanna but Amazon Prime keeps fucking erroring. I will try to go to bed before it gets light (which seems to be my w/e norm nowadays!

Day 112: I have got into the habit of eating dinner far too late. It’s 10:30pm as I type and I am just about to have something eat. I’m not sure why I feel it’s wrong to eat so late but I do, I shall be trying to address it. Late night again last night (gone 4:30am) so today was a lazy day. Only on ewalk but it was 10km and I get up the above 11,000 steps needed for the 1m challenge. My stair climb, at around 9pm, fucking killed.

Day 113: Boring Monday.

Finished watching The Old Guard on Netflix. A Highlander-esque affair with Charlize Theron kicking ass like she did in Atomic Blonde. It was OK. Haven’t manage to lick the late night eating. It’s 10:05pm and tea’s still cooking.

Day 114: I have been looking at planning persmissions on the ENDC site for questions posed on the Oundle Chatter group on FB. There’s going to be two sites with 130 new houses on each and it’s causing concern. And so it should - the planning docs are very revealing. Objections are dismissed in such an off-hand way. It’s really quite insulting. I was awfully down today, during my first walk. I mean, really despondant (too difficult to describe here), which is a lower version of the norm - it’s been a good couple of weeks since anyone’s even asked how I am! A week since that post on my main blog. But, I powered through and am back to the usual depth! I ate at @9:30 pm tonight. Told ya!

Day 115: I am typing this on Day 116 - I ended up hainga  couple of beers last night and forgot to post. I had the most ridiculous toing and froing on FB and Messenger with Rachel (Harris) - it was piss funny. She is the first person in days, actually weeks, who has asked how I am! I watched ep3 of Hanna S2. Absolutely superb. She kills Marissa! Did not see that fucker coming...mind blown! Day 116: I have finally finished the thorough clean of the kitchen. Fucking drama. I am typing at just gone 10pm, about to eat (curry I made yesterday). It’s been a strange day, timings wise, last night’s drinking meant I wasn’t up until just gone noon which obviously didn’t help. I had a call from DSM group - I applied for an IT tech role, they want to see me tomorrow (Friday) for an interview (in Sibson). Interesting! (Although the contact, Helen, hasn’t sent the promised email!)

Day 117: Despite not getting a confirmation email, I attended the interview at DSM. It went OK (I was there for 90 mins). I went booze shopping in Tesco’s afterwards. Spoke to dad today also - he and Rita are well, as usual! I am feeling really knackered and achy today. I do hope it’s not anything to worry about.

Day 118: Up at 1pm. 9.79 km walk. Cooking meatballs, drinking beer, listening to The Blaze about to watch Deepwater Horizon. All good today!

Day 119: Similar to yesterday, up late, bloody long walk, watching Saving Private Ryan (which I started last night).

Day 120: Typing on day 121. Received an email from someone that works at the BBC for Shaun Keaveny’s show - they want me to do small claims court on August 5th. I’m becoming obsessed with getting my steps in - my second walk was extended to round Barnwell Country Park - over 17.5k steps - not the most I’ve done in one day but, for example, most in one day last month (June) was 14.7k. More importantly, I am finding that I can walk further (and for longer) and not have a hypo; not a great deal further, but over an hour.

[tvmoviechristmas]

This Might As Well Happen: A Comprehensive Diary of Christmas Con

In early October, I was discussing the upcoming BravoCon, a celebration of Bravolebrities with my baby sister, Kerri, who was shocked nobody in my family wanted to go. I was trying to explain to her that it was both super popular and super expensive, when suddenly she interrupted with an idea.

“You know what would be crazy,” Kerri announces, “What if Hallmark had a convention? Hallmark Con! Would you go?”

"Kerri, they would hold Christmas Con in like Missouri, where Hallmark headquarters are,” I noted pretty quickly, “And I’m not paying to get a plane ticket to pay to see Lacey Chabert in passing. I’m not taking the time off work for that trip, that’s insane.”

“But it would match your brand!” she exclaimed, “You love Hallmark!”

“I don’t love Hallmark enough to get on a plane, but it probably won’t happen for years anyway.”

A week later Christmas Con was announced. It was taking place fifteen minutes away from where I live. For a second, I genuinely believed the universe had the ability to fuck with us personally.

--

The idea of buying a ticket for Christmas Con was a passing idea in my head, but it was not an item that was on the top of my to-do list because I had tons of other things to worry about. I was working full-time and taking certificate classes at night. I was in the middle of moving apartments and trying to sort through. organize and pack all the stuff. I was desperately trying to get my older sister to answer my texts about whether or not the facial stabbing that occurred in It: Chapter Two was handled realistically because she is a doctor and why become a doctor if not to answer my questions about injuries in pop culture? 

Things were crazy, and Christmas Con was just not a priority. I figured I had time to decide if I really wanted to go anyway. Christmas Con would not have that much of a demand, right?

Wrong. Christmas Con sold out in minutes. I figured I could potentially shoot my shot on obtaining a press pass (I do have three fans and a write-up in the Chicago Tribune!), but once again, I was like “this can wait for a couple of days”. There were other things to do! 

It could not wait for my sister, Kerri, though. There was nothing she wanted more than for me to go to Christmas Con. So she went on Instagram and DMed them questions about how to get a press pass before sending me what felt like a billion texts on how she promised the Christmas Con organizers that I was going to send them an e-mail to get a press pass that day and that she was going to pray that I get one because it was my destiny because it was fifteen minutes away and I run a made-for-TV Christmas movie blog. Do you want to fight destiny, Kace? Do you?

I guess I did not. So I e-mailed in my request, was somehow approved for a media pass, and subsequently lied to a billion people about what my plans for the weekend of November 8th were because nobody I worked with needed to know I was going to Christmas Con.

But that’s where I was going. As Kerri told me, “you’re a Christmas movie expert! That’s where you are supposed to be!”

--

FRIDAY

4:08 PM - According to the last minute e-mail I received from the Christmas Con organizers, the convention is supposed to open to the media at 4:30 PM. However, one of my two talents is getting hopelessly lost going anywhere, so I leave my apartment at around 3:40 PM and arrive at the convention around 4:00 PM. The parking lot looks deserted when I arrive and I briefly wonder if I am  at the right location, but then I spot some ladies seemingly tailgating the event in winter wear. This spectacle gives me the inkling that I am probably close to where I am supposed to be.

I figure that I might as well enter the con sign-in area a little earlier because I have a vague worry that the media line might be messy; however, the process of checking in is generally quick and painless. It probably helps that there was absolutely no line whatsoever. Even though I am terrified that someone to tell me that they made a mistake and it is ludicrous that a tumblr blog is getting a press pass to anything, I am actually given a media badge and waved into the hall.

I check my phone. It is only 4:08 PM. Immediately, I am frightened at the prospect that some security guard is going to yell at me for being in the convention area early, but after taking a deep breath I just decided to roll with it. It’s Christmas Con! We are all supposed to love each other! That’s the Hallmark way!

As I walk into the convention center, “Sleigh Ride” begins to blast on the sound system. Since “Sleigh Ride” is my least favorite Christmas song, my guard is immediately raised. Hopefully, the music choice is not a harbinger of bad things to come at Christmas Con.

4:25 PM -  I decide to mill about in the empty autograph area to get an idea of what Hallmark “celebrities” are going to be signing at the event. While attempting to get a picture of an Erin Krakow banner, I hear a door burst open and someone shouting “Lace! Lace! Lace!” from behind me.

Immediately, I become paranoid, scared that some con organizer is yelling “Kace! Kace! Kace!” because they know I am not supposed to be in the autograph area before the place opens. Maybe they also read my blog, and realized that maybe they do not want someone who doesn’t fully buy into Hallmark’s conservative message roaming around their event.

After ten excruciating seconds, my brain clicks back into place and I turn around to realize that it is just Jonathan Bennett having a dramatic Mean Girls reunion with Lacey Chabert before the event starts. Sometimes sneaking into areas you shouldn’t be in is worth it, even if it does spike your anxiety. That’s how you get exclusive content.

4:31 PM - As the clock hits 4:30 PM and the VIP pass holders storm in, I become a little more comfortable at the notion of hanging around Christmas Con and start to roam around the hall. The vendor area is a lot smaller than I expected and I did not expect it to be all that big in the first place. In total, there are about  20 booths set up, and a solid chunk of them aren’t even selling anything. The items that are being sold in the hall are not exactly what I expected either. One vendor is selling what seems to be a bunch of top hats. Another is selling cooking sauces. Surprisingly, there are only a couple of vendors actually selling Christmas decorations. Earlier in the week I had withdrawn cash from the bank with the idea that I might be able to buy something while I was at Christmas Con, but *spoiler alert* my cash balance stays the same throughout the entire three days of the event.

The centerpiece of the vendor area is a photobooth set up by Hallmark where you can take various kitschy pictures (in a snowglobe! by a fireplace!) while muted advertisements for their upcoming original movie slate and streaming service play in the background. It also is an area where you can look at a hilarious collection of framed screenshots and promotional photos of Hallmark’s crop of “celebrities”, which is my personal favorite part of the experience. Nothing says Christmas like a framed photo of Candace Cameron Bure peeking around a door!

4:43 PM -  As the convention starts to warm up, a lot of the “celebrities” are just walking around the vendor area . Nikki DeLoach jumps into a snowglobe picture with some random fans. Holly Robinson Peete films the Hallmark booth on her phone, while Rachel Boston tries to take a picture of the giant Christmas Con banner hanging over the autograph area. I am sure that this is the part of the experience is supposed to make the VIP experience worth it. You pay a lot of money to come in a half hour early, and maybe a Hallmark “celebrity” will walk by you as you take a picture holding a “I Love Hallmark Movies!” pillow.

5:12 PM -  The crowd starts to pour into the vendor hall as Christmas Con officially opens to the public and I instantly become a little scared. The Christmas Con crowd is not my crowd. I watch made-for-TV Christmas movies for the snark. They watch made-for-TV Christmas movies for the sentiment. I was genuinely dismayed when my mom bought me a Hallmark movie sweatshirt. They were theirs with pride. I get hives at the idea of paying money to take a selfie with anyone. They are all here to wait in line to take pictures with Lacey Chabert. Their idea of Hallmark-based small talk is discussing with each other how glad they are that Alicia Witt is here because they loved A Very Merry Mix-Up. My idea of of Hallmark-based small talk is ranting about how It: Chapter 2 could air on Hallmark if you really wanted it to. The plotlines are similar!

No, seriously! A woman in her early 40s, successful in her career but with the Wrong Guy, returns to her hometown after a tragic event to settle unfinished business. There she meets a friend from her childhood (played by a blandly attractive CW actor) who has been in love with her all along, and whose entire character is based around this love. He works with his hands and can build things! There are some missteps but eventually they kiss once and live happily ever after. On the sidelines,t here is a black friend mainly there to provide exposition and a gay friend who the writers aren’t really explicit about being gay. You put in some snow in the background and you can air it on Hallmark on Christmas Eve! It is uncanny!

Nobody at Christmas Con would care though, so I figure that this would be the time to check out the empty panel area. Right in front of the panel stage are a bunch of entries for a gingerbread house decorating contest that was being held on Sunday.

Yeah, the Christmas Con people are not my crowd.

5:30 PM - “Sleigh Ride” plays for the second time and I begin to think that maybe Christmas Con is against me.

5:51 PM - A lady sits down next to me in the panel area, which is still basically deserted. “Did you expect there to be more?” she asks me.

I flash my media badge at her. “Honestly, I didn’t pay for this so I can’t be disappointed.”

“I’m just happy I didn’t fly in from North Carolina for this because that would feel like a real waste.”

I just hum noncommittally in response.

5:57 PM - “There’s no bad Hallmark movie!” I overhear a woman telling a reporter. 

Well, that person isn’t reading my blog.

6:07 PM - Christmas Con is supposed to officially start with a tree lighting ceremony. The crowd gathers around in tree in the autograph area to see the event, but for the most part all you can see is people trying to take pictures.

Santa comes out with little fanfare and no announcement. It is a stark difference to Jonathan Bennett, who comes in with a huge announcement that includes a list of all of his credentials (there aren’t many, he’s only been in one Hallmark movie). According to the Christmas Con materials, he is hosting the event. I am not exactly sure what that means but apparently it involves him leading the crowd in a call-and-response version of “Deck the Halls”. 

“It’s what this is all about!” he tells the crowd after they oblige him. 

After that bit of hyping, Bennett decides to introduce the true star of the convention and so-called “Queen of Christmas”, Lacey Chabert. They do not waste any time after she is brought out and they light the tree. It’s hard to feel magical about all of this because it is impossible to see.

Bennett’s hosting tells me that we’re having a good time though. “Hey Santa,” he asks, “Did you know New Jersey could be so much fun??”

6:51 PM - After the tree lighting ceremony, I go back to the panel area to finish my soda before bouncing. My escape plans are dashed by a staff worker promises me that they are going to start the trivia game soon. I did not ask her if it was, but I feel obligated to stay now so to not disappoint her.

7:01 PM - Before the trivia game starts I glance at the stage and realize that one of the podcasters is livestreaming the room to their Instagram feeds.

“Oh fuck,” I mutter to myself, “Are they taking a picture of us?” 

“Yes, they want to see how bored we are,” the lady sitting next to me responds.

7:06 PM - The trivia game starts about fifteen minutes after the staffer promised me it would. It promises to be full of talent from “smash hit Hallmark podcasts”, a concept that sounds fake to me but is real enough to Christmas Con.

I make it about fifteen minutes in before I realize that watching other people answer “True or False” questions about Christmas isn’t incredibly fun when you don’t care all that much about the Christmas holiday itself. So I decide to duck out, hoping I don’t look like a complete jackass for doing so.

7:30 PM - Before I leave for the night, I take a lap around the autograph area to see how its going. It is going incredibly well for Lacey Chabert who has a line so long that the convention organizers announce that she will be staying 45 minutes after the event closes for the night. Only Lacey Chabert is making that courtesy though, which seems fair because nobody else is commanding much of a line.

In terms of bang for your buck, meeting up with “celebrity” who is not Lacey Chabert seems like the smart choice. The other guests seem to be having somewhat long conversations with the one or two people waiting in line for them, and if conventions like these are feeling like you are close to celebrities, isn’t that the experience you want?

A part of me feels guilty that these “celebrities” are just sitting around not doing much of anything, and it almost made me want to spend money on meeting them just so they would have something to do. Then I think about it for three seconds, and remember that 1) I hate meeting “celebrities” and 2) I do not make enough to justify spending money on lifting the self-esteem of “celebrity” strangers. So I leave that idea behind and leave the building for the night.

—

SATURDAY

11:30 AM - My Saturday morning class lets out early, so I make it to the convention center about an hour earlier than expected. It is much more crowded today. I’m assuming it’s because there is going to be more to do aside from watching a crowd watch a tree light up. My plan is to just park myself in the panel room all day.

I ask a staffer where media is supposed to line-up for panels. She tells me she has no idea, but she will ask and let me know shortly. She leaves and I watch her talk to people for a couple of minutes. She doesn’t turn around. I keep waiting and waiting before I realize that she is never coming back. I wasn’t getting answers, but I settle for buying a $6.00 cappuccino instead. I’ll figure it out.

11:42 AM - The first panel of the day is billed as a reunion of former All My Children stars Melissa Claire Egan and Cameron Mathison. I find myself sitting next to a family who are very excited at this prospect.

“We are going to be breathing the same air Cameron Mathison is,” the teen girl cries in excitement to a woman I would assume is her mother.

 “In a way, we already are,” the possible mother excitedly whispers back.

As they continue to vibrate in excitement, “Sleigh Ride” plays in the convention center for the third time and I groan to myself. At least someone’s happy.

11:56 AM - Cameron Mathison has been spotted by the family and excitement abounds, but not for his shirt. 

“Shouldn’t he be festive?” the possible mother asks about his all black ensemble.

“Well, he has to take a lot of pictures.” the teen notes back.

12:05 PM - All of the panels are hosted by the co-hosts of Bubbly Sesh, Hallmark’s official podcast. They bounce on to the stage before telling the crowd how excited they are to be there.

“We are with our tribe. Our team. A room full of Hallmark fans!” they say to a crowd of cheers.

I also cheer. Mainly, because I finally got the Wi-Fi to work on my laptop after a half hour of fruitless efforts to maintain a connection. But they don’t need to know that.

12:07 PM - I learn a lot about Cameron Mathison during the first few minutes of his panel. Apparently, he is the new host of Hallmark’s Home & Family talk show. He also was diagnosed with cancer in the past year, but is now in remission. And he is the apparent “king” of Hallmark Christmas movies, according to the BubblySesh podcast hosts, but that last fact seems debatable to me.

Mathison also claims during the panel that starring in The Christmas Club, an upcoming Hallmark holiday movie, is what made him realize that he needed to push his doctor for a cancer diagnosis. So Hallmark can apparently save lives. 

12:14 PM - Before the Q&A starts, the BubblySesh podcast hosts tell the audience to keep the questions free of the “nitty gritty”. The want everyone to stick to Christmas and  careers! It’s a real bummer because it means I have to scrap my plans to ask everyone what would happen if you got stabbed in the cheek, as that would probably be too gritty.

The Q&A stays relatively tame throughout. The most exciting it gets is when an audience member brings up the idea of doing a Hallmark All-Stars movie. The lady sitting next to me is excited about that concept! I wonder if Hallmark would have the budget to pull off a Love, Actually. I doubt it.

Every panel wraps up with the BubblySesh announcing that “it’s time for the BubblySesh Pop Culture Quiz!!!”. This quiz is less of a quiz and more just general Christmas based questions with a grating announcement beforehand. This announcement would become more grating every time I heard it (and it was at nearly every panel). At the time though, I wasn’t aware how haunted I would be by this “game”. It was still early in the day.

1:07 PM - Next up on the day’s schedule is a scarcely attended panel about Christmas podcasts, a podcast genre that is apparently more bustling than I would have ever expected. All the panelists (of which there are way too many) are enthusiastic about how well their podcasts are doing and give the crowd advice on how to start their own because, as they say,  you can never have too many Christmas podcasts. 

I never expected to get a motivational speech about how I could start a Christmas podcast if only I believed in myself, but then again I never expected to be at Christmas Con.

2:10 PM - The marquee panel of Christmas Con is up next, which is a Mean Girls reunion featuring Lacey Chabert and Jonathan Bennet. This panel is less of a Hallmark panel and more of a Mean Girls panel, and it takes all of five seconds for “so fetch” to be referenced.

The most Mean Girls detail of the panel though is how Jonathan Bennett latches on to Lacey Chabert. He spends the entire panel looking for every opportunity to compliment “Lacey Chabert”, and he always uses her full name. 

“Everyone on the Mean Girls set was constantly cracking up because Lacey Chabert was so funny.” 

“Lacey Chabert cooked everyone a Thanksgiving meal while we were shooting Mean Girls, and she is a great cook!”

“Lacey Chabert is the sweetest.”  

I half wait for him to announce how one time Lacey Chabert punched him in the face, and it was awesome. I have no idea why he thinks this hypeman routine is necessary, since Lacey Chabert has been commanding the longest autograph lines by a sizable margin and the hardest question she gets from the audience is “Why are you so nice?” I do wish I had a Jonathan Bennett in my life though. It must feel nice to be constantly complimented. I guess that’s why people aim to be the Queen Bee though, isn’t it?

2:32 PM - In what is clearly supposed to be Christmas Con’s buzziest moment, Daniel Franzese, who played Damian in Mean Girls comes up on stage to start delivering candygrams to surprise of the audience and the panel. Lacey Chabert starts to cry, while Jonathan Bennett screams.

After a couple more questions, Bennett tells everyone to take out their phones and begins to perform the opening of the “Jingle Bell Rock” dance to the room. Another potentially buzzy moment from a convention that desperately needs some. 

3:08 PM - Up next is an odd assortment of a panel featuring Nikki DeLoach, Alicia Witt, Holly Robinson Peete and Chad Michael Murray’s southern drawl. The last one confused me because I was pretty sure Chad Michael Murray had not spoken with a pronounced southern drawl before. I text my younger sister, Tara, a noted One Tree Hill fan if he had a drawl on the show and she tells me he did not. So why is he suddenly Southern? He also seems to have a hatred for chairs, and spends a majority of the panel trying to desperately slide off his.

3:23 PM - During the routine question about Christmas traditions, Nikki DeLoach gives an emotional answer about her young son requiring multiple heart surgeries and that her experience in the hospital taught her the importance of charity and giving back to the community during the holiday season.

Somewhat hilariously after that, everyone else on the panel announces that of course they are going to be doing more charity work this holiday season. Are they being genuine? Who can say. But you certainly can’t give a rote answer about how your favorite tradition is decorating the tree after a fellow panelist tears up about her experience giving toilet paper to the less fortunate and how it impacted her life. Nobody wants to look like a jerk.

4:07 PM - The last panel of the day features Jackee and Melissa Joan Hart, and the room is barely empty. As someone would inform me the following day, “it’s because they are more Lifetime than Hallmark Christmas movie stars”.

Lack of Hallmark “celebrities” aside, it is a great capper to the day. Hart provides a decent amount of insight on the made-for-TV movie making process, and Jackee is just a fun personality to watch.

The panel concludes with someone asking what’s a fun fact that someone wouldn’t know about them. Jackee answers that she is still having sex.

Good for her. It is a solid note to end the day on, as I decide to skip out on the upcoming Ugly Sweater Contest to go back home. Six hours of Christmas Con is enough Christmas Con for the day.

—

SUNDAY

8:31 AM - Early in the morning, there is a press line available for the media to attend if they have any questions for the Hallmark “celebrities”. I decide to skip that because the only question I need answers to is what happens when you get stabbed in the cheek (my older sister still has not gotten back to me on that), and I don’t think anyone who stars in a Christmas movie is going to have a satisfactory answer.

As I lay in bed, I briefly consider not going back to Christmas Con at all, but then I finally get a response from the super about the cockroach I found in my bedroom the night before. Turns out they are bugbombing the place, and I need to be out of the apartment for five hours. 

So back to Christmas Con I go.

10:30 AM - Christmas Con Day 3 is a weird place. Lacey Chabert is no longer the celebrity commanding the longest line, because former General Hospital star Ryan Paevey is there and his line is an hour and a half long. I am informed it is because he is hot. 

Even stranger is the fact that there is a twenty minute line to get a picture with a snowman balloon. I know there’s not much to do at Christmas Con but that seemed to be pushing the bounds of reason to me. But I suppose these are the new rules of Christmas Con.

10:52 AM - The people in the VIP line for the Danica McKellar and Rachel Boston panel are give me a rundown of how the autograph queue works. 

“You have to have your priorities in order!” they tell me before explaining that they got to the con at 9 AM to make sure to get their photo with Ryan Paevey. “He’s so handsome!!!”

They also explain that they find their VIP passes useful in snagging all the autographs their hearts desire. I say that that’s good because the VIP access the media badge allows me to have just seems useless for panels, which have never reached capacity. 

“Yes, they have!” a lady tells me, “There are always people hanging out back past the barrier trying to look in!”

I don’t have the heart to inform her that those people are just in line waiting for food and that as someone who has attended every single panel, I have always noticed empty seats. 

Later on in the conversation, I try to express concern that some of the panels have been too random a selection of “celebrities” who have no chemistry with each other and make for an awkward time. The group disagrees with my assessment. 

“Actually, they are all great friends. Did you not hear Jonathan Bennett call it Christmas Camp earlier? Do you follow him on Instagram? He’s been playing pranks on Lacey Chabert! It’s hilarious!”

Have I said that Christmas Con is not my crowd?

11:02 AM - Before the panels for the day start, “Sleigh Ride” plays for the fourth time. Apparently, no Christmas Con day can start without it.

11:16 AM - The panel line-up for the day starts with a panel with Danica McKellar and Rachel Boston. Someone informs them that they always have chemistry with their leading men, a fact which is news to me, a person who watched both McKellar act through one of the worst on screen kisses of all time in one of her June Wedding movies and Boston *mwah* her way through Ice Sculpture Christmas. 

“We have kissed most of the men here,” Boston noted in response before listing the con guests she’s done movies with throughout her time on Hallmark. There’s one person she realizes that she and McKellar have yet to kiss though. “Not Ryan Paevey.” 

“He’s next!” McKellar decides. That gets a decent response from the crowd, because he’s good looking!

11:48 AM -  “Sleigh Ride” starts up again as the panel closes. It has now played five times, which is five times too many in my opinion.

11:59 AM - The people sitting behind me at the writer’s panel are already preparing for next year’s Christmas Con. It goes to show you that not everyone hates being here. It’s a mixed response!

The writer’s panel is probably one of the more interesting ones because it’s one of the few about the process of creating made-for-TV Christmas movies. Of course, it means that barely anybody is there.

The few of us who manage to attend the panel have the chance to snag a “I Love Hallmark Christmas Movies” wristband from one of the writers. She gives me two. 

1:49 PM - After the writer’s panel is supposed to be the gingerbread contest judging, which I figure is a good enough time to take one last lap around the vendor hall. 

Ryan Paevey is still commanding an hour and a half line for autographs, but thankfully people are no longer waiting to take a picture with a balloon snowman. The booth selling Christmas romance novels has gone out of stock, but they give me their last advertising card. The outside world has discovered that nobody is monitoring the screen that displays #ChristmasCon2019 tweets so I spend a few minutes watching the spam tweets they are sending it’s way. It’s beginning to look a lot like Jeffrey Epstein was murdered here on the Christmas Con big screen!

One booth is trying to sell one of the “I Love Hallmark Christmas Movies!” wristbands for two dollars each, which is a total scam because other booths are giving them away for free. So I step in and give one of the ones I got at the writer’s panel to the elderly woman who is about to buy one. Those vendors probably do not like me, but I did not come to Christmas Con to make friends. I came to escape my bugbombed apartment. 

Speaking of, I am desperate to go home but a phone call informs me that I can’t go home until 4:00 PM. Two more hours of Christmas Con for me it is.

2:06 PM - After the gingerbread contest, but before the start of the When Calls the Heart panel a bell choir, who is not on the schedule, randomly performs. As I sit there wishing my apartment was bugfree so I could sleep in it, I hear loud and raucous cheers start up. I turn to the person next to me and ask if they know where the noise is coming from, and they tell me that there is a wine glass convention happening next door.

As the party at the wine glass convention seems to rage on,  I wonder if that’s where I should be instead. It would certainly keep me awake, and well, I broke some of my wine glasses during my move. It could be helpful!

2:18 PM - The When Calls the Heart panel is incredibly confusing to sit through for many reasons. First of all, I don’t watch the show, so every plot point mentioned just leaves me nodding as I try to pretend I am an avid viewer who cares. Second of all, I keep zoning out and zoning back in to the panel and every time I do it, something weird seems to be happening. Sometimes Paul Greene is trying to lead a sing-a-long of “White Christmas”. Sometimes Jack Wagner is wondering what the plot of When Calls the Heart actually is.

The most confusing aspect of the panel though is Greene’s button situation. Apparently, he thought that Christmas Con was the place to forget to button up. Maybe he’s trying to keep up with Ryan Paevey. Did you hear that he’s hot?

3:07 PM - The final panel of the event is the alleged “Hunks of Hallmark” panel. However, it is announced that Ryan Paevey is too hunky to be there, because he has a seemingly endless autograph queue and that’s where the real convention money is anyway. So we have to settle for Jesse Metcalfe and Andrew Walker, who has just arrived from JuiceCon. This fact delights the Q&Aers, and in what is supposed to be a hilarious bit we are all in on, everyone brings up the fact that Andrew Walker has a juice business when they come to the microphone.

At this juncture, I feel like a kid sitting in their final class of the day waiting for the bell to ring. Sure, we might be having fun bringing up juice all the time, but also it’s time to go home. And after one final joint scream of “It’s time for the BubblySesh Pop Culture Quiz!!!”, we are free to leave.

3:52 PM -  The panel closes and immediately “Sleigh Ride” queues up for the sixth time of the convention. If ever there was a sign for me to go home, it is that.

3:59 PM - As I drive the fifteen minutes back to my apartment, I call my mother. She asks me if I had fun at Christmas Con, and I genuinely don’t know how to answer.

“It was a thing that I did,” I ramble. “It was an experience. I think I would have been mad if I paid for any part of it or if I had to travel further than fifteen minutes. But I didn’t. And even the parking was free, so all I lost is time, which doesn’t account for much really, I guess.. And well, it’s a story. Plus, it’s my brand.”

And who am I to deny a universe that wants me to live up to my brand in new weird, free-to-me ways? If Christmas Con was good for anything, I guess it was that.

[love-livingwithaddictionblo-blog]

Diary of an Addict (Day 1)

Good Morning beautiful people !!!! The purpose of this blog is to help myself and others break free of their daily addictions and live the full and happy life we all have the right to lead. It’s also something else I can do besides the washing and ironing which has been haunting me from the corner of the room for a good few days now. When discussing addiction, I’m referring to it in all its forms. For me personally drug and sex addiction are the two that have had the biggest impact on my life. But going a step further I hope that writing this on a daily basis can help me to connect with others and generate a positive outlet for me to delve into during tough times. If it works, I’ll be a born again good guy in no time. What I can offer here is complete and open honesty about my daily struggle with addiction. Some days will go well I’m sure. Others not so well! But if one day people begin reading this and can identify the same struggles and it gives them some form of comfort and feeling that they are NOT alone, then this would have been worth it.

So, in order to give this a more positive spin then reality would dictate - let me slightly re word the stage of my recovery. I have been heavy drug free - for ten months and 3 days. Although this may be because I took off and left England to live 2,000 miles away on a desert island with my partner. Tenerife! Ok so with the exception of a minor hiccup I have been heavy drug free now for 10 months 3 days. I have been alcohol free for, let’s see it’s 7.33am now on May 3rd 2020.....it’s slightly windy outside and the moons position in the sky displays normal moon floatage which equals - well 7 hours and 33 minutes alcohol free. Ok so there’s room for improvement there. I’m cigarette free for about the same amount of time but that’s highly likely to change after about 30 minutes. Who doesn’t need a morning coffee and smoke for breakfast on the balcony . Ok so there’s certainly room for improvement as we can see. Maybe this will help that. On a brighter note before I continue to giggle at my own uselessness, is that I am certainly in a better position than I have been with addiction . Although I have now lost both of my parents to their addictions which certainly hasn’t been easy, I’m not in prison ( anymore ) I have a beautiful family! The place I live is starting to give me comfort, I mostly wake up positive and determined to improve, and I’m coming to terms with the devastation I have caused others and I am ready to make that right! On rope of that I no longer weigh close to 20 stone which was the unhealthy weight I reached during the peak of my troubles. I’m now closer to 12 stone with the remaining pot belly and stretch marks from rapid weight loss . Contrary to many beliefs, during the height of my addiction to cocaine and crack I actually gained weight as I would need to binge eat the junk food my body craved for any days I was clean. That along with washing it down with beer every night certainly helped me become three times the man I used to be !!!

Now essentially this is a diary. I’m posting it because it’s easier to type it firstly as my handwriting is shocking but ultimately I admit, it would be a dream for this to one day help others if I can continue to write and speak about my journey in an open, honest and positive way . So on this beautiful Sunday morning, despite feeling groggy from beers the night before, let’s do this people! Even if we don’t do the workout today, or don’t read enough, or we don’t do our Spanish lesson and we have a real lazy Sunday.... if it’s a drug free day and we have been kind to people and smiled then it’s a day worth enjoying and being thankful for . Ah you see how I have very quickly arranged an appropriate rationale to not work out today! Well played brain, you win this round! Lots of love Your lingering recoveree

[thecollinhartman-blog]

Collin’s Coronavirus Thoughts

Corona Diaries

 I know what you are thinking. It is Day 4 of the Quarantine and Social Distancing and Collin has gone so crazy without all the busy-ness of life that he is writing a blog post. And you would be absolutely correct. Like every other millennial twenty-something, I have a lot of really great ideas that haven’t quite come to fruition. By now I thought I would be operating a volleyball facility, or traveling the US in a VW van driving for Uber, or pursuing a PhD program in England while playing volleyball, or coaching a small college team in Southern California.

All this to say I’m a big-time dreamer and a mostly incredibly poor “executer”. I often mistake my busy-ness for full-ness. I have seven unread books on my night stand, I haven’t been grocery shopping in weeks, I never got around to painting the trim in the bathroom my dad and I remodeled, my phone hasn’t been at full charge since November, and there has been an overflow of recycling sitting outside my house from the garbage disposal and mattress I got for Christmas… and now it’s March. Welcome to it, friends.

 Let’s start here: I stopped by my parents’ house this week to print something – which I often do because I have a lot of printing needs but haven’t ever purchased a printer. It’s nice because I can print some papers I need AND I can always count on cool ranch Doritos and a Mango Orange Crystal Lite…. that I’ll likely take one sip of, leave on the counter, and finish when I’m there 4 days later.

 Anyway, here I am printing in my dad’s office and running late for a meeting  (all because I napped for too long). I rush out the door of the house, accidentally leaving one document on the printer, pens and paper everywhere, and a cupboard desk drawer open. A few minutes later, my dad sends me a picture of his office, which was without a doubt entirely put together five minutes prior to me being there. The tone of his text is sarcastic but loving but semi-annoyed which I can handle. I spend six seconds feeling bad about my reckless and disorganized self until Hillsong’s Highlands comes on the radio and I turn it up. I don’t spend time reflecting on things that would make me sad, I’m a 7.

 In the midst of my frantic printing and meeting prep, my dad told me he was going to call me “F-5”as my new nickname. By the look on my face, he could tell I was confused as to why. He begins to tell me that tornados are classified in F-0 through F-5 categories, with an F-5 tornado being the wildest in nature. My quick google search defines an F-5 tornado as the most “violent damage, homes lifted off foundation and carried considerable distances, autos thrown as far as 100 meters.” I think what my dad was trying to say is that my general way of life is to rampage my way through different spaces, groups, situations… often times in an assertive, proactive, somewhat wild, chaotic way and then just… leave (I think this how I drive too). Stop go stop go stop go. I go from this thing right on to the next without pause. I show up, jump out of my car, race to wherever I’m supposed to go, be (mostly) present there until BOOM, it’s a Monday evening and I’m in the Eagle gym, shutting off all the lights, gathering volleyballs, turning on the alarm, leaving for Young Life – all in an attempt to get there three minutes before it starts so I can prep items for the game I’m leading ALLLLL before being interrupted in the parking lot by a mom of a U11 kid who is reminding me (probably for the 3rd time) about the t-shirt they ordered and are waiting on. Following? Me neither.

 In short – my life actually is like an F-5 tornado. I run run run from one thing to the next, filling my world to the brim with as much as I possibly can all until I arrive back at my house at 10:30 pm, gas light on, eat whatever I can find in the fridge before my head hits the pillow 4 minutes later, only to set my alarm and do it again.

 I’ve been living my life like this for a really long time until…. well until Sunday when we got the news that school is cancelled, which means volleyball activities are all cancelled too, and Young Life gatherings paused and suddenly my wild Monday is WIDE OPEN.

 This blog post / journal / diary is my attempt to articulate from my squirrel brain some things I’ve learned about myself in the last 48 hours since this craziness called coronavirus officially stopped my (and probably your) collective world right in their F-5 tornado tracks.

 First, let me tell you about my day today paint a picture of how my world feels just a bit (LITERALLY ENTIRELY) different…..

 1)    I didn’t set an alarm and I woke up at 8:30 am.

2)    Shortly after, I went on a quick walk to the nearest coffee shop and ordered a Misto: I am on my journey to black coffee and I just graduated from a latte to this half coffee half milk concoction (with caramel) and I feel accomplished.

3)    I stopped by my neighbor friend’s house to say hello.

4)    I got home, cleaned a couple things around the house, washed a couple plates in my sink, and went on a bike ride to downtown Boise where I enjoyed a takeout lunch from Whole Foods. I would like to tell you that I rode my bike home, but a friend happened to see me and my girlfriend (she is working remotely from Utah and visiting right now) saw us and somehow realized the journey completely uphill from downtown to my house on the bench might not be all that fun so we piled our bikes in her car and she took us home.

5)    I took a 20 minute snoozer.

6)    I got up and did some yard work outside, gathering pine needles from underneath my big backyard tree and finally broke down those big boxes that have been sitting outside my house for months and was able to fit them all inside my recycling can.

7)    It started to drizzle so I came inside, crawled under a big blanket and read the first couple chapters of Prodigal God by Timothy Keller.

8)    Kinslie and I then stopped by the store to pick up some things for dinner and I grilled some steaks and shared a giant salad and some grilled asparagus.

9)    After a few girl scout cookies (they stopped by yesterday), we watched the last half of Ellen’s Game of Games and picked a movie on Netflix.

10) Now I’m lying in my (perfectly made) bed (because I had the time to make it) writing all my thoughts down in a word document wondering if I’ll actually post this or if there is really anything of worth that I’m typing. I think there is but not sure yet.

 Well, friends of the interwebs, you might be wondering why you just read a detailed list of my day from start to finish. Here’s what I want you to know.

 1)    Upon arriving at the coffee shop, I had a cheerful silly conversation with the barista about what drink I should order as we laughed about me wanting to eventually enjoy drip coffee. We engaged in authentic dialogue for a few minutes and on the way out I thanked her for the drink recommendation.

2)    Before leaving for our bike ride, my tires were flat so we walked them to the gas station and filled up with six quarters before we went on our merry way. I empathized with the Chevron employee as we talked about coronavirus and how it might impact our lives. I wished him well and went on my way.

3)    While bikeriding downtown I noticed there are five…. FIVE… different types of massage or spa places between my house and Curtis, which is the next main stop light.

4)    At Whole Foods, I asked the clerk their favorite pasta salad as she walked over and told me all about the 2 for $6 deal. I noticed the different textures of the floor and the neatly stacked chairs and how the vegetables were perfectly arranged in their place.

5)    While doing yardwork, I stopped and looked at Kinslie as she was raking leaves into a pile. I went over and looked, I mean REALLY LOOKED into her eyes and noticed how the Irish green edges melt into a light sky-ish blue before meeting her pupil. I noticed the way she parted her wavy blonde hair and the way it fell just barely over the sweatshirt she was borrowing of mine.  I noticed how thankful I was I had someone to share this day with and even more thankful for her idea to do this yardwork that surely wouldn’t have been started for maybe forever.

6)    While reading, I noticed the way the soft sunshine pressed through my semi-open blinds onto my page and made the black ink pop off the page. I contemplated Keller’s words of Pharisees and tax collectors and a story of two sons on their journey of deeper understanding of God’s steadfast love and grace in the midst of their own struggles.

7)    While making dinner I couldn’t help but take just a little extra time to delicately cut each cucumber and carrot slice with care as I heard sounds of clattering branches from my cracked window as dusk began to settle in.

8)    And while writing this blog post, I can’t help but notice all the things I noticed in my own world for perhaps the first time.

 While I can’t be sure what life will look like in a few short days, weeks, or even months, and while I’m not positive what my income will be, and what daily routines or rituals will be impacted, or how our schools and communities will be changed – I can be sure of this: I hope in the midst of my crazy F-5 tornado life that surely will be back in busy routine before I know it – I hope for a couple things.

 I hope I can continue notice the little things. To notice the wildly interconnected, perfectly-timed, awe strikingly beautiful, crazy detailed, little details of this world like the way I noticed the lines on the fresh steaks as I pulled them off my garage sale grill.  

 I hope to breathe deep and see, I mean REALLY see the world around me, to engage in relationship in more authentic and honest ways, to stop for a moment wherever I am to truly connect with the people around me.

  I hope to take my time through a home cooked meal, and to not be so filled with anxiousness and fear of the future and unknown that I my eyes are blinded to see the way God is working in and through my (and our) world, possibly even through something like the freaking COVID-19.

 While I’m sure there will be more lessons to be learned in the next little while, I challenge you to take a couple moments to really press in and reflect upon the way this Zombie apocalyptic ish tirade is impacting your world. I truly hope in the midst of empty toilet paper shelves and hand sanitizer hoarders there is something beautiful in your world that you’ve noticed, too.