#this better not be like fucking last time where i relapse the next day

[iamstuckinthevoid]

omg omg omg

I did it

I FUCKING DID IT!!!!

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

[godhandler]

Rent A BF!

#7 | young toji fushiguro x reader | fluff, mentions of prostitution, aged and sometimes offensive terminology, the wonderful arrival of Nanami Kento | 780 words

previous next series masterlist

Toji Zenin, 20 years old, leant over the toilet bowl, retching out the complimentary breakfast onigiri offered by Perfect Prince Escort Services. It had taken two days for his brain to process the dreadful happenings at Shiori Park. Perhaps he didn’t react earlier because he was rendered mentally catatonic at how horrific the whole experience was. It brought tears to his eyes, a burning pain to his chest that threw him to his knees on the work bathroom floor. He couldn’t think of anything else the past couple of days. 

For the very first time in his entire life, someone had protected him. 

It made him want to fucking stab his neck. 

Sure, he wasn’t in any real danger, Yuzu wouldn’t ever shoot him, even if he did have bullets. And then was the fact that he could swat away small bullets like flies. But you didn’t know that. You just… protected him. 

Everytime he thinks about this his stomach ache twists worse. 

He’s 6’2 and 90 kgs. Utter ridiculousness that you were the one who leapt in front of him. Maybe you were one of those Mother Teresa types with an ‘I can fix him’ complex. Or that you psychologically placed him in the position of your dead younger siblings, making protecting him your first instinct. Could be both. Or neither. 

Toji pukes into the toilet again, unable to explain away your terrifying behaviour as mental illness. 

Knock-knock. “Zenin-kun? You’ve been there a while, do you need assistance?” Nanami called through the door. 

“No.”

“Are you sure? I could fix you a nice cup of warm tea and you could tell me all about–”

“Can you kill me, Nanami-senpai?”

A pause. “Is it that drastic?”

“Worse.”

“...Would a 5000 yen note make it any better?”

Nanami lent him money now and then to help the young boy out with his rent or gas. Toji attempted to return it on time, but the difference between the sum borrowed and repaid kept growing, till he finally stopped refusing to take any more from him out of shame. It made him feel a bit nice about himself, the fact that he still had that shame, boot-scraped bits of noble Zenin pride. Not that Nanami stopped offering. 

Toji joined Nanami for a smoke outside. Nanami was always quitting and relapsing; he’d go through cycles where he decided that his health mattered and drank green smoothies in between appointments, cycling to work, talking about omega-3 fatty acids. It would last somewhere around 2-3 weeks before he’d start sneaking in a cigarette–“once in a while doesn’t hurt, I read the research”, and then the smoothies would get less and less green until they were suspiciously whisky-coloured. Those weeks his shirts would reek of unslept nights spent chain-smoking on his balcony, watching the rivers of yellow and red car lights flow relentlessly on the roads. He’d ask Toji of the future and what they were all doing with their lives. 

Toji would just shrug. He genuinely did not care.  

Business soared for Nanami during those days. The meals he’d skip would sharpen his jawline and cheekbones, adorn him with an air of tortured melancholy that had women lining up for him. Something about the sallowness of his skin, dark circles too. Toji didn’t get it, but if it works then it works. 

He knew Nanami understood. He was kind. He’d offer 5000 yen with no expectations of getting it back, Nanami repeated his offer as they stood outside the escort shop, cigarettes in hand. Clearly the start of another relapse, Toji thought, a tiny nicotine patch peeking through his sleeve. 

Toji dragged a long breath. “A client crossed a boundary. I think. I’m just uncomfortable with her behaviour.” His brain felt fuzzy.

“Hmm. Why don’t you t–”

“But I didn’t tell her not to do it before. I didn’t know it made me uncomfortable before she did it.”

“It doesn't matter.” Nanami shook his head. “Don’t do anything you don’t want to.”

“She… she jumped in front of a gun to protect me.” Bile rose up his chest at the very detestable thought. 

“... For real?”   “For real.” 

They stood in silence for a bit. People-watching. A customer walked into Perfect Princes and came out with a few Suguru Geto pamphlets. 

“Give her a gift, say thank you, and return back to formal business relations. Done and over with.” Nanami doused his smoke out, wrapped the butt in a tissue and threw it into the non-biodegradable dustbin. “Again, Toji, never do anything you don’t want to.”

He patted the boy on the back, telling him to quit smoking (just words, for both of them), and went into the store. He had an appointment at 11.

previous next series masterlist

a/n: nanami just can't help himself from helping others, can he? esp lost kids

also personal update i got a horrendous haircut i wanted to take off an inch he took off five i was about to cry leaving the salon honestly. college starts next week too.

[melis-writes]

Eyes like Stars [Bobby Axel x Reader Multi-chapter, 18+ Smut] Chapter 19 - The Secrets We Keep.

Read on AO3 / Read Chapter 18 [AO3] / [Tumblr] / Chapter Masterlist. / Fic Playlist.

18+ explicit smut, multi-chapter read.

"What did he want?! Did you fuck him? Did you?!” / “I WAS GONNA MARRY YOU! I WAS GONNA MARRY A WHORE! A whore!”

Everything you've done up to this point was for Bobby and Bobby alone. What else would your intentions be for if it wasn't to hold onto and save everything the two of you have for one another? Bobby's set in his ways but the idea of losing you to the same fate Helen chose for herself is too much to bear. To see it is one thing, experience it--another, but just how much love can you claim if the one you adore is now the one hurting you?

[WARNINGS]: Mentions & themes of drug addiction and selling / Domestic abuse / Physical abuse / Verbal abuse / Depictions & themes of injury and blood.

[AUTHOR'S NOTE]: The Eyes Like Stars girlies can EAT!! 🥺🙏🏻 And especially so since I will be putting this fic on a temporary hiatus as I focus more on finishing up/writing my Godfather fics first. I'm definitely not abandoning this fic and I don't want anyone to get the wrong idea that I am! With so my fics in my rotation and life changes, I'm struggling between balancing all of them and burning out/hitting writer's block. I will definitely return to this fic once I've completed my others and then we will go on with Emily and Bobby's story! For now, enjoy this (temporary) last chapter before the hiatus kicks in. I would also like to clarify for the sensitive nature of this chapter that I do not condone or romanticize abuse in any sort of way. This chapter also doesn't glorify it or anything like that.

Bobby’s release from prison marks the end of his and Helen’s relationship and you find yourself spending more time with Bobby and taking care of him after everything he’s been through. Working and living in Manhattan as a college drop-out, you distance yourself from Helen who Bobby and you take solace with one another in hopes to get out of the toxic lifestyle of drug use—promising each other to start a new life with one another and get clean. Falling in love with Bobby, you experience a mutual, passionate and loving relationship with its own highs and lows that promises to bloom into something more serious but also can threaten to collapse. As Bobby’s new girlfriend, your relationship hangs on a thread with old skeletons coming back into Bobby’s life, relapses, and a new panic on the horizon that threatens to undo it all.

Bobby knows Upper West Side Manhattan like the back of his hand; better than the majority of Manhattan-born residents through every street, turn, and block.

Give him a street and Bobby could tell you every corner store, the names of apartment buildings, if he knows anyone who lives there, who is shooting up, who is selling, and where the narcs are like it’s common sense.

“Bobby Axel” is a name every dealer, junkie, and narco alike knows on the street; word going around and connections made just like everybody else.

Bobby knows every detail of his home like it’s his duty, and it’s given him the advantage of sneaking away from the unwary or police at the perfect time with the layout of the city engrained in the back of his mind.

Bobby can never see himself doing anything else, anywhere else. Upper West Side Manhattan is his home. Needle Park is his home; it always has been, it always will be.

Being from New York City yourself but having memorized the same streets you, Bobby, and your friends are in day after day, everything you know and think you know of Upper West Side Manhattan pales in comparison to what Bobby knows.

Just as you think you’re taking the regular route back home from work, Bobby keeps his distance far behind you—blending into the crowd and particularly remaining next to the other outcasts and junkies dressed in navy jeans and a baggy hoodie like him.

You walk straight towards your apartment as you always have; not a single convenience store or grocery surrounds you upon the path you’re taking and Bobby can’t help but analyze your environment carefully; thinking if you took a different turn, you may bump into him in the next few minutes.

You don’t, and on purpose, Bobby lets you get home far before he does. So as long as you don’t know he’s coming and that Bobby wants to talk to you, he can approach you with time and circumstance on Bobby’s side. 

Bobby takes the “scenic” route home, letting himself linger around the streets with his hands in the pockets of his hoodie and the hood up, covering his head.

Trash litters the sidewalks with torn newspaper pages flying about, wrapping over flickering lampposts; the scents of cigarettes, garbage, and body odor lingering around the corners of each street Bobby passes by accompany him with the cool fall air and dimly lit, grimy blocks twisting and leading to your apartment.

It’s been years since Bobby’s memorized the crumbling streets before him, every old building and every hot spot that normally distracts and cools Bobby down when he’s pissed or stressed to shit but nothing gets through to him now.

Bobby can’t walk off his anger this time and he knows it. Bobby’s only able to remind himself why he’s going home—with the belief you’ve been lying to him this entire time.

Lying to him about the true nature of your work relationship with Sykes; every complaint you made, every time you called in sick just to avoid seeing him, and all that you explained to Bobby��what else would it all be for?

‘It makes sense.’ Bobby grits his teeth, keeping his eyes on the street as he continues briskly walking down the block.

Bobby’s judgment is immediately clouded with his irritation and anger; the idea of your encounter that he saw firsthand can’t be thought of as anything else but some sort of affair. 

Why else would that smug son of a bitch have that look on his face watching you leave, let alone stand there adjusting his jeans after another secret get-together the two of you had? 

Unbeknownst of Bobby’s eyes on both you and Sykes, you know the truth of what happened and how you still feel against your supervisor; bitter, mostly indifferent, and annoyed, but when it comes to shooting and selling, everyone’s needs are all the same. Everyone’s the same.

Thinking nothing of it and unsurprised by Bobby’s absence back at your apartment, you step in and set your purse and keys down before locking the front door.

Letting out a sigh of relief, you rub your temple gingerly before slipping off your shoes and shrugging off your jacket.

The only thing on your mind at the moment is relaxation—time to yourself and nothing more; that is all shared with Bobby once he gets back home from what you subconsciously assume is selling or out with Chico, Irene, and the others.

You open your purse and carefully take out the wad of cash from Sykes you quickly stuffed inside before setting it on the coffee table in the living room.

Pulling your hair up into a loose ponytail, you head towards your bedroom and undress; opting for a comfy pair of sweatpants and a black spaghetti-strap tank top. 

Feeling at ease in the comfort of your own home with no need to pretend to be inconspicuous or watch for a narco on the side of the street, you step into the bathroom momentarily to freshen up.

Glancing up in the mirror, you blink at your reflection and realize how you’ve been wearing nothing but exhaustion over your expression—and all too well at that.

Sighing softly, you turn on the tap to lukewarm water before adjusting it to get hotter—grabbing a bar of soap and beginning to scrub at your hands to wash them off and give them a good rinse.

You pause for a moment, staring at the running water as you swallow hard. You can’t help but feel you’re expecting something—anticipating something you’ve forgotten.

Attempting to shake off the queasy feeling brewing in your stomach, you purposefully avoid looking towards your arms and adjust the water to an almost ice-cold temperature.

Splashing your face off to awaken yourself a bit, you then close the tap and dry off your hands and face with a towel before walking back into the living room.

Your eyes land on the wad of cash placed upon the center of the coffee table once more as you begin to approach it; plopping down on the couch and reaching over for the money.

‘Eighty dollars.’ You can still practically hear Sykes’ voice in your head; seeping with the same desperation as someone whose used it more than once, but hasn’t fallen into an addiction just yet.

Your fingers flip through the twenty dollar bills in your hands again and again as you find yourself zoning in and out, barely focused on what you’re doing, to begin with.

You frown, staring at the fading number twenty imprinted on one of the dollar bills before you graze your thumb over it.

You know more than anything you don’t need this money, but Bobby does. 

‘All of this is for Bobby,’ you think to yourself, sitting up to set down the cash neatly on the coffee table. ‘It’s not for me. I don’t need this… I don’t need any of this. This is all for him.’

 Just as you set down the neatly stacked wad of cash down upon the coffee table in front of you again, you almost knock it over and send it flying from the impact of how hard you flinch at the sound of the front door abruptly unlocking and flying open.

Blinking in surprise, you look up to see Bobby entering your apartment and letting the door slam behind him.

Without so much as a smile, a “hello” or even that soft look in Bobby’s eyes you’ve gotten used to seeing when he comes home to you, all you can pick up is the anger, irritation, and bitterness scowling over Bobby’s expression.

‘Bobby?’ The unforgiving look in Bobby’s eyes replaces any look of love he once ever gave you; his body language demanding and expectant as if you demanded Bobby to approach you as such.

In a split second, Bobby’s eyes dart down to the money in front of you before cruelty mixes with the anger in his eyes and he sends his apartment keys flying onto the dining table across the room.

“Bobby—” You flinch again pressing your back against the couch.

“Yeah,” Bobby raises his voice over you sharply, cutting you off. “Counting that good money Sykes gave you? Made sure every dollar was accounted for?”

Stunned and at a loss for words, your reaction merely gives Bobby a green light to continue as he grits his teeth, approaching you in the living room.

“Did that son of a bitch pay you before or after you sucked his cock?”

“What?!” You flinch again as Bobby kicks the stack of money off of the coffee table, sending it flying to various spots in the living room. 

“Answer my fucking questions!” Bobby shouts at you, facing you directly. “What did you do to him, huh? What did he want?! Did you fuck him? Did you?!”

“Bobby, I—”

“You stupid fucking whore!” Bobby seethes, grabbing a fistful of your hair and tilting your head back instantaneously to slap you across the face.

“Ah!” Yelping out loudly in pain, the force of Bobby’s slap with him letting go of your hair was harsh enough to cause you to flail off the couch face down—hitting the side of your body against the armrest. 

“Bobby! What are you—" You hiccup, bursting out sobbing from fear, pain, and confusion hitting you all at once.

Without even realizing it, you’re holding up your arms—still quivering—up to your face to shield you from impact, shakily looking up at your boyfriend.

Bobby breathes heavily, taking a step back from you; his eyes bloodshot and glistening with tears of frustration and anger as both of you take in what just occurred.

‘Bobby…’ Your heart sinks into the pit of your stomach as shock and guilt rack over you in a wave of nausea and numbness throughout your body.

‘Baby…’ Bobby hit you. 

Your boyfriend—the one who cried in your arms night after night, the one you couldn’t bear to see in pain, suffering from his withdrawals or illness from being unable to feed and take care of himself properly; Bobby who you washed away all the pain and sadness off of his body, kissed the scratches over his stomach and would do anything for, hit you over something that never even happened.

Bobby doesn’t wait for another response from you nor is his intention to give you an explanation for his sudden outburst; he’s hellbent on releasing his anger first.

“Don’t act surprised with me,” Bobby hisses, beginning to raise his tone. “You whore! You—”

Seeing as you flinch again by being called a “whore”, Bobby lunges towards you again in response and grabs both of your arms as you scream out and attempt to thrash away.

“YOU FUCKING WHORE!” Bobby hauls you up by your arms and throws you back down on the couch. “WHORE! You were heading straight back home my ass!”

“Bobby—” You cry out in pain, “BOBBY!’

Blow after blow only worsens and grows harsher with each hit over your arms and wrists before Bobby begins to aim his fists toward your head; grabbing a fistful of your hair.

Screeching out, you struggle against Bobby’s overpowering grip but manage to clutch his wrists—digging your nails into Bobby’s wrists and prying them off of you with every ounce of strength you have left in you.

“BOBBY, STOP!” You hiccup again throughout your sobs, pushing him away from you. “Stop it, STOP! Please, stop!” 

“Stop what?!” Bobby scowls, “you didn’t stop fucking lying to me so tell me why I should stop now!”

“Bobby—” Your lip trembles as you notice his gaze fall to the dollar bills scattered over the living room floor.

Bobby nods to himself slowly, eyeing every dollar bill he can see before staring back up at you; ready to lunge at you once more. “He paid you eighty dollars?”

“Bobby—” You sniffle, your bottom lip trembling as you grip the fabric of the couch tightly.

“My girlfriend’s pussy is only worth eighty dollars?” Bobby narrows his eyes, “you cheap, used fucking whore!”

“STOP IT! STOP!” Screaming out at him, you scramble up and off the couch to rush towards the bathroom. “I didn’t! I didn’t do anything, I—”

“Come here, you fucking slut!” Bobby immediately begins to follow after you, reaching out to grab you again.

“I didn’t—no! NO! STOP IT, BOBBY!” Wailing, you barely make it to the bathroom before Bobby sends you flying to the floor with a rough shove like a ragdoll. 

“I SAID COME HERE!” His sudden amount of strength against you who can barely breathe through your tears would take you by surprise if you weren’t the one Bobby was releasing his frustrations out on.

“I DIDN’T DO ANYTHING!” You shriek, landing on your side with a thud—almost knocking over the coffee table. “Stop it!” You shakily brace yourself for impact, holding your arms up to your face, pleading, “Please stop! PLEASE! L-let me talk to you—”

“Oh, don’t give me that bullshit!” Bobby screams back down at you, pointing, “I saw you walking out of the fucking side exit of your corporate shit hole, used and bought like the fucking whore you are! Can’t even face the front street so other people don’t pick up on it, huh?!”

“Bobby—” You flinch, wounded by his words.

“And for what?!” Bobby throws his hands up in the air, “for eighty dollars? You and that fucking asshole you kept telling me about? You think I’m fucking stupid, Emily? Huh—” Bobby hovers over top of you, leaning down to squeeze your face harshly as you continue crying out. “Huh? HUH!? You think I’m fucking stupid?!”

“B-Bobby!” You sputter, hiccupping. “How—”

“How do I know?!” Bobby scoffs, abruptly letting go of your face. “I followed you, you stupid bitch! I followed you because I knew you were fucking lying!”

“NO! I wasn’t—”

“You had someplace to be and I knew it from how you were checking that stupid fucking watch constantly—“ Bobby points to the shattered watch barely holding together over your wrist from the impact of his blows. “You fucking lied to me! You said you were gonna grab some shit from the store before coming back home, huh?! YOU WERE WITH ANOTHER MAN!”

“NO, I WASN’T! I wasn’t, Bobby! I wasn’t!” Your throat burns from screaming back at him in desperation. “I sold him shit, that’s all he wanted! I sold him what he fucking needed so he would get off my ass about it! I didn’t touch him and he didn’t touch me, I swear to you! I swear!”

Bobby ignores you, rolling his eyes; only a clear indication of the lack of a foundation of trust between the two of you.

“Listen to me,” Bobby hisses, pointing at his eyes with his hands trembling from mounting anger. “I would rather gouge my own eyes out than ever see you with someone else. Is that what I have to do? Hmm?” His eyes sting with tears. “Is that what you want me to do? Scratch my own fucking eyes out? I’ll do—”

“NO, STOP IT!” You let out a shriek at the top of your lungs before immediately trying to scramble up to your feet.

“Then my girlfriend’s a fucking whore!” Bobby lunges back at you but trips over the lamp cord, causing it to fall over and shatter to pieces on the floor—buying you a few seconds of precious time to race to the bedroom.

“And I was gonna marry you!” Bobby gives up the chase as you slam the door behind you, pressing your back against it with all of your might to keep it shut. 

“YOU KNOW THAT?!” Bobby follows to the bedroom, screaming at the closed door in front of him. “I WAS GONNA MARRY YOU! I WAS GONNA MARRY A WHORE! A whore!”

Barely able to stand on your own feet and shivering out of control, you sob loudly as you rest your head against the door.

Sneering, Bobby turns back and grabs your keys off the counter before taking off from the suite entirely—purposefully letting the door slam behind him. 

‘Oh my God…’ You crumble to your knees; your eyes tender and aching from sobbing but unable to stop yourself from letting your emotions consume you entirely.

With too much to process and take in, all you can do is helplessly look at the scratches and light gashes over your body from everything Bobby’s done to you.

Promised bruises and fresh blood dripping from your nose; everything stings yet feels hazy and warm to the touch.

Tilting your head back slowly, you attempt to take in a deep breath but every sense of calmness has departed you upon the first blow Bobby delivered. 

All you can do is cry in pain that both your heart and mind feel. All you can do is let it eat you alive now. All you do is lay on the floor by the door and drown in your own tears. 

Bobby walked out on you after all and as he did, he thought about nothing but what his relationship with you has come to now.

Bobby’s true possessive nature got the better of him, and he knows he can’t handle it at its fullest either—not after everything he went through with Helen prostituting herself.

If anything, Bobby’s made it clear to you that he desires and craves you and only you to the extent that just the thought of having to share you or seeing you with someone else makes him want to kill himself. 

Still, even though he’s out on the streets with nothing but a bruised ego, his hatred, his anger, and his broken pride, the only thing he can think of is that you may just have been telling nothing but the truth.

[hexcrystals]

hi gay people in my phone who wants to hear about the Day i’ve Had

so like many of us i have a close friend from school who i was Weirdly Close with at the time and i was in love with her and i didn’t tell her and a few times we got drunk and made out and then one time we both got Really Drunk and had sex and i thought we’d go somewhere but in the morning she said she didn’t really remember it. and then later (by which point i had got together with my now husband) i told her i loved her in school and she told me she had been in love with me too but never told me and we were both kind of like ‘huh! well isn’t that something!!’

anyway i stayed with my partner and she dated a few people and eventually she started seeing this guy who is a dick and has moved her to a really remote area where his family live and she doesn’t know anybody there, she doesn’t have a job, she can’t drive, she’s relapsed with her ed, etc. and she’s marrying him next year and she desperately wants me to come to the wedding bc i’m all she has and he has vetoed it (understandably) bc he knows i don’t like him. and every time she’s drunk she messages me like ‘i wish you could come to the wedding. i’m really lonely here’ and i’ve made it so clear that if she ever wants out, i’ll make it happen, i’ll get her travel sorted, i’ll give her a place to stay, she is welcome to turn up on my doorstep unannounced in the middle of the night

and it’s been years now and i don’t see her much (like. once every couple of years) especially since she moved away. and we don’t talk very often anymore. so i kinda don’t think about it. it’s not something i’m actively worrying about. in my head i’d made my peace with it.

EXCEPT i had a really vivid dream last night (like the most vivid dream i’ve had in years) that she asked me to pick her up bc she wanted to leave him. and i did and he came home as we were leaving and had this big argument and we left anyway and went to my house. and she told me she loved me and had sex with me and my husband but in the dream it was like. entirely focused on her and then i woke up and my brain has felt like scrambled egg ever since bc it felt so fuckin real and i do not like it

bc it’s like. i don’t want to be with her. i love her and she will always be important to me but i don’t want to be her partner and i don’t want to sleep with her and i haven’t wanted that for years and years and i never want to be with anyone but my husband ever again. but i also don’t want her to marry that guy and be stuck there forever! i want better for her! he’s going to end up making her have a bunch of kids she doesn’t want and being his housewife forever and i just want to like. rescue her. which i don’t have the right to do. bc she can make her own choices and doesn’t need saving and even if she did i am not the person to do that

but i’ve spent the whole day sitting like 🫥🫥🫥 bc wtf is my brain doing man i don’t need this i had to go to work and have Meetings today. and instead i’m constantly turning the whole situation over in my head and also worrying that i’m a terrible person for essentially having a sex dream involving someone i know and have previously fucked while i’m asleep next to my partner yk. anyway!!!!!!

[sarah-denial-cq]

It's been a few months, how is Sarah doing? cw SA, addiction, family health issues, bigotry.

Fair warning: this isn't a sexy post. We'll try to get back to those when we can.

So first things first, I went off denial in November, meaning my 2023 denial period was about eight months of edging, teasing, serving, and zero orgasms. I'm really happy about it, it was fun and made me feel good, and I met tons of wonderful people in the community. I don't know when I'll next start medium-term denial again but I hope I get a chance to.

Anyways, I stopped in November because I had just so much going on personally that it was impossible to devote the energy and wound-up tension that denial creates in me to its practice. Work became more and more stressful. I was "promoted" at work, taking on responsibility for over twice as many people and deliverables, and was given no raise and also a new manager between me and my previous manager, who I had to train in addition to my new responsibilities. In addition, a close family member started radiation treatment for cancer. For the first time in my life, I didn't visit my family for the holidays, because political developments have made it unsafe for me to travel to where they live.

And then Megan assaulted me.

I was sharing a hotel bed with her - as friends - and woke up on the last day in the morning feeling her fingers groping me. I didn't know what to do, I froze and kept my eyes closed and waited for my alarm to go off and got up and went to work and then flew home. The next couple days are kind of a blur. I relapsed into a finsub addiction and sent a bunch of money to someone. I think Rose and I might have had sex that next day but I'm kind of not sure. I ended up talking to Megan about it a few days later.

"No, I didn't do that. I wasn't groping you. That didn't happen."

I told Rose about what happened. I was extremely nervous and also felt so stupid because all the tropes around women like me were playing out. I had imagined it. I had done something to lead her on. I was making a huge deal out of some minor petting. I was going to lose a friend over something that wasn't worth losing them over. I was going to blow up Rose's relationship with Megan and she wouldn't get to fuck my hotter friend anymore and it would be. My. Fault.

Eventually, things have cooled off a little. I talked to Rose and we made each other feel better. I talked to Megan and explained that I don't know or care why she thinks it didn't happen, but I think it did, and it can never happen again. Rose is still going to fuck Megan because she's hotter than me. Megan is still going to come stay at my apartment for several days this weekend. I'll probably be kicked out to the guest room while they fuck in the master bedroom.

I'm still struggling with the addiction relapse, and feeling guilty and sad about the really good friendships I made here during denial that I've been too messed up to maintain, and whether I still have value as a girl not in denial. But I trust that things heal with time. And nothing - *nothing* - is going to take away from the fact that Rose is going to *marry me* this year. Even with everything that's happened I'm the luckiest girl in the world.

I'll post some more soon, I hope.

xoxo Sarah

[queerspaceprince]

super long post

i saw the tv glow spoilers, me being depressing, tw's in tags

i went to see I Saw the TV Glow this afternoon. i got it. def cried a little (idk if hrt has stopped me from crying more bc i havent cried since i was in hs anyway) my sib got it, tho we havent talked ab it yet bc im still processing even now. my mom did not get any of it. at all. wasnt affected. thats fine, whatever.

and. jesus. i give the movie a 15/10, but it was. a whole lot. i have too many emotions.

Im def gonna mention a few spoilers so if you dont want to be spoiled, is your warning.

it made me feel too much. is the allegory really allegory if the hidden meaning is right at the surface?

when owen says that thing during their convo on the bleachers -i cant remember the exact words fuck- something about feeling hollow or missing something or whatever, how he thinks something is wrong with him and his parents do to-i feel that. so much. i felt it so much more before my egg cracked, but i still feel it in relation to my depression and anxiety. that hit me.

there was also that part about feeling like you're watching yourself from the outside, as if through a tv. oof.

then the whole thing maddie said about how time didnt feel right, how nothing changed when she left. i get it. I was 10 nd my parents got divorced, and suddenly im 11 and thinking i wanted to d1e for the first time, and then im 14 in a kind of manipulative relationship, with like 1 friend and super depressed, and then i was graduating and realizing im queer and exploring my gender and going through a breakup. then im 20, and getting my first job, and coming out to my family. and now im 26. and i still mostly feel the same way i always have. i have more good days, and im more confident now, but i still feel like im just going through the motions a lot of the time.

when did I stop being a kid? ive been an adult for 8 years and Im still only working part time (32 hrs), still living with my mother bc rent is $$$$, still barely functional enough that I havent cleaned my room since last year and ive only showered 3 times in the past week, and i have to force myself to go get coffee on my days off or else ill stay in bed all day. Im just stuck here. i shouldve taken driving lessons when I could. id be out. except i cant leave my sibling behind with my mother. shes not awful, but them being alone is an explosion waiting to happen. but they dont have a job and i doubt i could support both of us. and now i dont trust my eyes enough, like i read for 15 minutes and everything else goes blurry, like im seeing triple.

anyway. next is the scene in where she talks about k1lling herself to get back to the pink opaque world. I. have to admit i nearly threw up. the imagery, the way she spoke about it. she said she regretted it while she was stuck underground, then how she felt good about it, about getting out....ive been sitting in a low spot for a while, it was better while we were on our trip, but it just reverted when we came back. i keep thinking im going to relapse into sh again. i feel so close to the edge sometimes. and theres really no reason for it either. my life is fine. not great, not perfect. but adequate. anyway i had to close my eyes and take a minute after that.

i feel that even without wanting to go back to the other world, maddie was suicidal. she wouldve found some reasoning to k1ll herself. Now ive only ever been actively su1cidal once, when i was 15 -or 16- idk my teen years are all a blur of depression and anxiety. im good now. well. i say good. im more, self destructive then really wanting to d1e. just. i feel so bad on the inside for no reason, why can i have a reason to hurt on the outside?? anyway, im ok now, im 3.5 years clean, i dont want that to change. im working on my coping mechanisms.

there was another quote from that planetarium scene that i couldnt stop thinking about but has now vanished from my mind entirely. bc sometimes getting my thoughts in order is like. catching smoke.

anyway. then everything after that. him growing old. knowing something about him is different but not wanting to acknowledge it or it would drastically his life as he knows it. I understand that feeling. except for me, its not exactly acknowledgement of myself, its doing something about it. while I didnt exactly stay in the closet long, that feeling of not wanting anything to change is why the closet exists. i realized i was queer in 2014, trans 2015. came out as bi that summer, but i didnt come out as trans until 3 years later. when I had a job. access to money if i ended up getting kicked onto the street. i literally had a bag packed and ready to go. and yet. even when i did come out, i was too afraid to correct my family on my pronouns or name for another year. my sibling really helped with that. immediately used them. Tbh theyre my fave person and id do anything they asked.

the whole thing about there still being time.

i see a lot of tiktoks about this. people watning to do stuff now bc there is still time to change your life or whatever. im interpreting it differently.

there is time now, but your hourglass will run low eventually. live while you still can, while you can still do something about it. how that message showed up after maddie left- their time together had run out, but he might still be able to do something. make a change. idk. but owen was too scared to do anything.

im still scared to do anything.

i still dont correct people on my name or pronouns if they get them wrong. i still dont speak up if my family says anything not pc (they are learning tho). im too scared to talk about any big feeling i have bc ive always been brushed off in the past and i dont want to feel worse becasue of it.

i still havent done anything to get my name or gender marker changed bc im scared. idk why. ive been living as a man for 6 years, i got top surgery almost 3 years ago, and ive been on hrt for nearly 2.

it terrifies me for some reason. maybe ts the complexity of it. ive found 3 different versions of the paperwork, and nowhere does it tell me exactly how or who to submit it too. one of those said i could submit online but it had to be printed, notarized, and scaned back into the computer? none of the other versions said it had to be notarized???

and i have nobody who has any knowlege that could help. my aunt worked for a lawyer for years, and yet she just said all I have to do is go to the dmv. like babe. no. thats not how that works.

i think ill start on that again.

while i still have time.

[thatsparrow]

ocd is a lifelong condition. I know this. I have heard it enough while in treatment. it isn't something you can cure, it's something you can manage. the symptoms of anxiety will never fully go away, and in fact, anxiety can be good and useful, and so the goal is not to eliminate those symptoms, but to better manage your response to them. I will have ocd for the rest of my life. it may go into remission, it may respond to treatment and medications, it may never impact my life as fully as it has the past year. it also may not. it may go into remission for a time, then reemerge. it may go into remission, then latch onto a new obsession. it may it may it may, and getting okay with the all that uncertainty is part of it. the needing to know is the problem. ocd wants to know for certain, and that hunt for certainty will never end, and it demands sacrifices from every sector of your life, and so I need to get to have to spend the rest of my life keeping it perpetually unsatisfied

ocd is a lifelong condition. I have been too afraid to properly think about what that means. I got my first period at 13—on st. patrick's day, which is one of those things I guess you remember—and I thought about twelve periods a year for the next thirty-ish years, and what an enormous and daunting prospect that seemed. before starting high school, I was terrified of getting my period unexpectedly, stuck in the middle of class and meanwhile leaking through the back of my pants. my older sister showed me how to slide a tampon from your backpack into the sleeve of your jacket, and now it's been 14 years, and they are a non-event. I have had tampons bleed through, I have stained pajamas and shorts and jeans, I have passed back-up tampons and pads to people in bathrooms and locker rooms, I have been caught by surprise and wadded up toilet paper to put in my underwear, and it's fine. it's annoying, but fine. but it's fine because I know what to do, and I know it's manageable, and I know that even a worst-case scenario isn't so bad. I don't get to know with ocd. I can learn coping skills and distress tolerance and keep those tools in my pocket and then when the time comes they may fall to pieces in the face of my panic. I can learn to manage, but with no guarantee that management will last. I don't know what a worst-case scenario looks like, but I do know how bad things can get, and so how could I not be afraid at the prospect of something even worse?

ocd is a lifelong condition. I cannot think about it that way. I am in treatment now, and I know it may not be effective, or that it may be effective for a time, but either way, that the risk of relapse will never be off the table. I cannot think about it that way. it is hard enough to envision a life six months or a year from now where ocd is not at the forefront of every decision without also needing to reconcile that it may come back. so it's today, and then it's tomorrow, and I will know that I am making progress even if I cannot always see it, and I will know that I'll be more prepared for dealing with lapses or relapses should they arise, and that my time is not wasted, and if I've done it once I can do it again and and and

ocd is a lifelong condition. fuck

[aly-s0ares]

A Letter To All Of Those I Care About

hi.

due to personal circumstances, i’ve been inactive publicly on all social media platforms.

i’ve learned at lot. and i’ve hurt a lot.

2024 was one of the worst years of my life, and i feel like even though i walked into it on a bad foot, i still believed it would be better than 2023 where i relapsed on self harm and body dysmorphia.

when i wrote a letter about me leaving in january, i expected things would get better once i removed myself from the narrative. but in reality, things got worse.

to keep it short, i loved my privacy and i plan on keeping it, HOWEVER, i felt bottled up and restricted and like i was only doing something just because someone else made me feel unwelcomed (but in reality, if they truly hated me and wanted me gone they would just click off my profile and never click on it again, let alone try and bully me off but go off legend ig).

i left the internet on dramatic terms and i’ve been dramatic in expressing how i feel and i know that maybe it doesn’t make me look the best but to be honest, i don’t know what else to say anymore other than anyone who thinks im crazy or that it’s fully to watch someone fall, crash and burn doenst really the EXTENT of what i went through and what’s really going on, not just online, but in my life in general.

i miss when the internet felt fun and not some attention seeking race. i miss when home felt like comfortable at best and not a ticking time bomb until one (1) particular member gets pissed off and suddenly is a fucking nightmare. i miss when i felt welcomed at holiday parties because someone special was alive. i miss how my cat would sit on my chest whenever she knew i was upset. i miss when i felt wanted by the one i love, and not like a fucking joke. i miss when my dreams felt tangible and not like it’s controlled by someone else who sees me as a joke and has the power to ruin my reputation before i even started.

and i miss when i felt listened to, like genuinely listened to. genuinely respected, and the root cause was my emotional state and how others viewed it. and some played with it for sport. i was vulnerable and easy to rile up and they took advantage of it. and i miss when i wasn’t.

what i’m trying to say is: i miss what’s dead, therefore, i feel fucking dead and i wish i was.

my birthday was a few days ago, i turned 23 and i felt like it was a waste of time because, like the new year last year, nothing changed.

the only person who went out of their way to make me feel wanted and appreciative that i was alive was my mom.

and to be honest, part of it is my fault because of how distant i’ve been due to my intense grief of what’s lost.

however, i still cried because someone still felt the need to take advantage of my feelings and play with it and ruin my day. my special day, the day i was born. the day i almost died because i didn’t take my first breath of air the second i came out.

i think at that point, i realized my life was wasted away. and that it will never be truly appreciated because im just waiting for other people to appreciate it for me. and that person that did it knows that they have the power to ruin my day and they always take it when they can.

i would’ve died for him, but he made me feel like my life didn’t matter and that i would’ve been better off disappearing.

truth be told, i love him. and i always will, but i wasn’t loved back.

i don’t know how to move on tbh. i don’t think i will, but at the very least, i hope i can learn to appreciate my life.

part of me already has because despite almost dying and wanting to die so many times: i’m still here.

i don’t know if i believe in fate anymore, i think belief in anything kind of died when everything else did, but that has to count for something right?

cheers to 2025. i have no expectations that things are going to change and get better, but i’m alive.

and that’s definitely enough for me at least right now. i hope i can see next year as well even if it’s hard.

thank you, if you cared. i care about you too.

[cruorcrave]

24 December 2024

(TL;DR at the end.)

Okay, I'm writing this in an undisclosed location because my little cousin is trying to get me to play with him because I'm closest to him in age. I don't have much time before he starts telling me more about Sonic.

Anyway, silly introduction aside, today has been okay. I'm super overstimulated (partially because of said young cousin and partially because there are lots of people in my house) but it's not necessarily bad. We're having dinner soon and it's roast beef so I'm pretty stoked for that.

I made a little offering to Danu, Dagda and Brigid the other day down at the oak tree near my house. I left them some shortbread and dried apple slices and had a little chat with them, prayed for a moment and thanked them for helping me. I'm still struggling but my faith in them helps me a lot. Even if it seems like it doesn't from an outside perspective, I know I could be a lot worse. They give me a lot of strength and belief in myself.

What is bad though is the tactile hallucinations, and the urges somewhat.

tw discussing hallucinations/bugs/insects, s/h, autovampirism

The hallucinations are getting worse and worse. Multiple times today I have had to leave the room to rip off my jacket/shoes/scratch under my clothes because it feels like there are bugs. every. where. In my clothes, in my hair, in my ears, on my feet, on my face. Every. Where. It's getting to the point where it's starting to be somewhat debilitating. Like, it's actually impeding on my life beyond just slight annoyance now. Even now whilst I'm writing this in a single sitting, I've had to pause every sentence or so to scratch at myself. I've had these tactile hallucinations since I was a kid, and sometimes they were so bad I couldn't sleep, and were a big reason I didn't like being outside (being outside I can more easily assume it's actually bugs rather than my imagination) but they only ever got bad when I was already pretty distressed. I guess you could say I have been distressed for an extended period though.

I think I should see someone about it if it keeps up much longer. It's been manageable before, but the past three days or so it has been so bad I can't function as I usually would. The problem is, I'm going overseas with family early next year, and I really don't want to put a spanner in the works by trying to get this fixed before we go and starting that whole process - but, I also don't want to go overseas with this problem, especially if it continues to be this bad, or even worsen. I really don't know what to do.

Gods, I just wanna tear at my skin right now, it's so unbearable. I'm constantly scratching at myself, not to the point of bleeding yet, but definitely to the point of irritation. First the autovampirism, and now this? I can't fucking deal with all of this right now 😭ffs

Speaking of the autovampirism, it's still there. Obviously. The hallucinations have taken a bit of a front seat but fuck I really wanna relapse. I mean I don't obviously, but I do. You know what I mean hopefully. The taste of the blood and the feeling of it on my lips just calms me down so much and I really need something to calm me down right about now. I haven't got the chance to do anything though, so I'm 3 days clean still.

I'm happy that I'm still clean even though it's hard, and I'm thankful for my family for understanding when I say I need a break from people and go to hide in my room. I'm also happy that my sister is feeling better today as she was doing really badly last night.

Song of the Day: Crawling - Linkin Park

TL;DR

Today has been pretty okay even if I'm been pretty overstimulated! Having fun with my family :) Gave some offerings to some gods/goddesses that are important to me, I'm really thankful for them. Hallucinations are getting way worse though. Feels like there's bugs all over me 24/7. Scratching at myself a lot. Starting to impede my life a lot more, hoping it gets better on its own. Autovampiric urges are still there. 3 days clean though!

Clean since 20 December 2024

[knwbetter]

day 7 of not talking to him: it's actually been a week, that's insane? i'm faring much better compared to the other days but guess what? i dreamt of him last night and he actually got me back to me in my dream and we were talking again and i felt giddy. only to find out that i was dreaming again. just when it starts to get better it's like i relapse again subconsciously. my dreams always betray me and it hurts like a mf. mom keeps asking me if i'm happy lately and i can't even say yes with my entire being bc some bastard broke my heart and trust. where did he get the guts to do that to me? was i really that easy and worth hurting?

i was rereading our chats again and there were definitely moments where he didn't reciprocate some of the things i said to him. i think he has an issue with being affectionate now that i'm looking at it and trying to analyze our conversations. he wasn't as sweet as i thought. like he can be but definitely not cutesy and affectionate. i think i was too blinded again by him. i wonder he thought of me the entire time i was falling for his trap? he literally lured me into his web. i feel like a fool, extremely stupid and helpless. my ego can't fucking take it. at the same time, i can't believe he took advantage of me by making an effort for me just to leave me hanging in the end. like what happened to the old you? he used to put in so much effort in talking to me, almost like he didn't sleep and now he can't even be bothered to talk to me. why the sudden change? what's more sus is that the change kind of began after i sent my picture. and after he said that he'd be star struck and that he already likes me for who i am. that i shouldn't stress too much about my appearance bc i'm already perfect. i guess his expectations were too high bc pulled away after that. or either was just playing with me from the beginning.

i was actually worried that he might have been doing this to other girls too but he said i was the first one. why do i feel like this isn't tho? now that i think about it it seems a bit too calculated but what do i know. after scouring his accounts i definitely became suspicious of him. he really broke my trust. i remember telling him too that i'd rather know him through him. i also remember him saying that he doesn't have anyone sus that he follows on tiktok but of course i didn't care about any of that bc i didn't bother to check his followings in the first place, scared in the back of mind that i see something i don't like. next time i should really do some research tho, i need to know everything as much as possible. i'm going to be spending the rest of my life potentially to this person after all.

i still keep thinking of him and i do miss him but there are definitely times where i gag and cringe thinking of how i behaved towards him. and how he was flirting with me but probably didn't mean it at all. how wrapped was i in his finger? how does he feel knowing i fell for his trap completely just to throw me to the side? did i get boring for him all of a sudden? it's crazy bc i showed my annoying and bad side to him yet he kept talking to me. was that the side that he liked? that's weird if so. also he was definitely the one to initiate first. i never ever initiated anything more than friendship. fucking weirdo. just to leave me in the end. how can he say things he doesn't mean? doesn't he know how fucked up that is? he really needs to fix his issues! it runs deeper than i thought. how could he say all that shit to me just to abandon me? did he not have any feelings in the first place? it's honestly so fucked up to me. i don't understand him. but that makes sense bc i don't know him at all. now i get why he doesn't have any friends, it all makes sense now. that's always not a good sign tbh. but i guess the good hearted person in me wanted to be there for him. i have a penchant for helping people like that. reminds me again of the line "you're not his therapist" like damn once i heard that it really clicked for me. i'm also not watching as much reels as before but it's probably bc i've been busy.

the effort i spent into looking and securing a job for the past week was insane, i did it all for him ngl. he lowkey gave me the strength bc i really wanted to see him in person somehow and now we're over. this might have been the push i needed but why did it have to be so messed up? i would've been good with something less painful. i randomly remember him asking me how i was doing and i said i'm okay. he replied "just okay?" and i still agreed. he then said "okay is better than bad so i'll accept it." bitch, as if i need your acceptance to be happy. i just pulled up our chats again and it was one of those times where he was being pushy about my pictures. he said as long it's me he'll be happy and that i have no clue. was that a tactic? pressuring me into showing him how i look like but with sweet and kind words. it's actually insane. how did i fall for that? i'll never cross my comfort again for a guy. i'll always follow my own pace, if he doesn't like it then he doesn't respect me and i have no need for someone like that. gotta have strong boundaries and communication the next time. also take it slow, fast is no good. that shit will die quickly. reminders to future self please!

lowkey i'm still waiting for him to text me back even if i see him differently now. will he even come back for me? he doesn't seem even the least bit interested anymore. when previously he used to bombard me with texts. can't believe i was stupid enough to trust him. i let down my walls for him and this is what i get. he basically confirmed what i was fearing. do i really want a guy like that? i told him my insecurities and other things i don't normally share. he was patient with my issues but maybe curiosity got the best of him instead of actually wanting to soothe me. i recall him offering to make me feel better whenever my anxiety kicks in. oh he has no idea how bad my anxiety is. i told you this for a reason for it isn't a light matter. i think he was caught off guard ngl. he can be sweet i'll tell you that, but he definitely has some self centered moments. sending me a revealing picture after i opened up about my anxiety? FUCKED UP. the emotional intelligence is nowhere to be seen. how he could think that would make me feel better is beyond me. once again highlighting why he has no friends + no meaningful relationships. i have a habit of psychoanalyzing people so he probably became like this bc of being bullied and moving when he was younger. i'm not sure if his relationship with his father was good either. definitely did not with his own twin which makes sense why he might be emotionally repressed or is unable to process his emotions properly. he might not have been used to receiving unconditional love and affection from his dad and twin. i have no idea about his mom, they seem close but no idea what their relationship was like growing up. these things are very important to know if you're into someone. their relationships with their family and their dynamic with each other can say a lot about a person. like things may be better now but the past can definitely mark and mold them to be the person they are today. i do remember asking him several times about his family but he didn't share the extent of their closeness with each other. i think he's mostly by himself. honestly i get why now, he's a bit weird. still absolutely immature, a lot of growing up to do mentally and emotionally. he still has some childlike qualities in him. i don't want to be with someone who behaves weird on the internet. that's a turn off and screams immaturity. idc if it's just for fun, it's not cool and mature. think really carefully before you speak and act is the advice i would give him.

[mackenzielovee]

love affair - rafe cameron

a/n: it's not edited but i came up with this idea last night and fell in love w it so here goes nothing (also I see your requests and am working on those next!) let me know what you think pls! (not my gif). p.s sorry this is so long but i actually love it!

Summary: You and Rafe have been secretly dating for some time now, but everything gets turned upside down when your secret gets uncovered.

Warnings: swearing, smut, mentions of sex, mentions of drug abuse, relapse, and Topper being a dick !

Word Count: 7.6k+

my writing

The Cut had always been your side of the island. It's where you took your first steps, where you went to school, where you met all your friends, and it's where you fell in love for the very first time.  You're a full-blooded Pogue, and you wouldn't change that for a damn thing.

You met Rafe Cameron over at Barry's about a year ago, where you had been with JJ buying weed. You watched the way he strutted up like he owned the place and then yelled 'What's up' to Barry to try and get his attention from you and JJ. You had rolled your eyes and Rafe had smirked, and the rest was history.

You'd been seeing him for about eight months now, secretly, anywhere. He usually comes onto the Cut when he wants to see you, but you never go anywhere public on the island together because Rafe doesn't want people to know the two of you are together. Which means, you usually end up eating dinner in his truck and having sex in the backseat afterward before he drops you off at John B's again.

You didn't care that Rafe wanted it to be a secret. You have fallen completely head-over-heels for him and all you ever want to do is be with him. Which is why, today, you seem a little depressed to your friends. It's nearly ten at night and you haven't heard a word from Rafe all day.

"Yo," JJ greets you, plopping down in the hammock beside you, "Wanna little?"

He reeks of weed, and holds out a blunt for you to take. At first, you want to say no, but then you shrug and take it from his fingers. JJ stares down at your hand as you take the blunt from him, loving the little bits of touch he gets from you every now and then.

"What's up?" he asks after you take a hit.

You shake your head, blowing smoke out into the open air, "Nothin'."

He doesn't believe you, and you know he doesn't. You just don't have the strength to fake it right now. You take another hit and notice JJ look over at you as you blow the smoke out again. His eyes move down from your face to your neck, spying what looks to be a bruise around your collarbone. And another at the hemline of your shirt. He leans down to get a better look, then reaches out and starts to move the collar of your shirt around.

"What the fuck, JJ?" you swat him away, listening to him break out in a laugh.

"Holy shit, Y/N," he stares at you, eyes wide, "Did you get attacked by someone's mouth lately?"

You swallow and hold the blunt up to your lips to try and hide your expression as you remember how Rafe had snuck you upstairs to his bedroom two nights ago and could not keep his hands off you for anything. He had kissed on every square inch of your body, telling you that if he couldn't claim you in public, he sure as hell would do it in private. You can't even think about sex with Rafe when you're with your friends, because it just has you grinning like an idiot and then you start to crave it.

"Mind your business, JJ," is all you decide to say, taking one last hit of the blunt before giving it back to him.

"Who was it?" he laughs.

You know he won't let this go, so you turn and walk away, trying to get up to the house where the rest of the group is. You shake your head when you hear his boots hit the ground and he tries to stand up, trying not to laugh when you hear him say 'woah' and try to steady himself.

"Come on, now," JJ yells after you, "Don't be like that!"

You walk up the stairs on the porch and turn around to flip him off, then slip inside once you see him take off running at you.

"Got sick of the skeeters already?" John B asks you as you collapse down on the couch beside Pope. Kie is standing in the kitchen getting beer, silently holding you up to ask if you want one. You nod, then look back to John B.

"Got sick of JJ already," you correct.

"Most people do, within the hour," Pope informs you, making you laugh.

You hear JJ rush through the porch and shut your eyes, praying he doesn't come in here acting like a fool because he saw a few hickeys on you. Kiara enters the living room just as JJ enters through the front door, wide smirk on his face.

"All right, listen up," JJ announces to the room.

You roll your eyes as Kie hands you your beer. JJ glances down at you, smirk only growing on his lips.

"I wanna know who marked up our girl," JJ declares, pointing down at you from above your head so that you won't see his motion, but they all will.

"What are you talking about, JJ?" Kie asks, huffing.

"I'm so glad you asked, Kie," JJ grins, then points down to the hickey on your collarbone, "Exhibit A, ladies and gentlemen. And Pope."

Pope gives JJ a glare, but JJ doesn't see it. He pulls down your shirt again, just slightly, to show off the other two.

"Exhibit B," he says, pointing to the one just above your breast, "And the third one," he points to the one resting in between your breasts.

"It would be Exhibit C," Pope corrects.

"We all know you're a nerd, Pope," JJ waves him off, "So, I just have to ask. Boys, either of you know anything about this?"

"JJ-" John B starts, but JJ interrupts him by holding a finger up.

"Admission of guilt is punishable by death," JJ informs them, then points at John B to continue.

"We know nothing about it," Pope speaks, loudly, ready for this conversation to be over.

"Good to know," JJ says, "Now, my prime suspect. Kie, my lovely lady. You didn't, perhaps, make these markings?"

JJ points back down to your chest again, watching both you and Kiara drop your jaws.

"No, what the hell, JJ?" Kiara groans.

"Seriously?" you ask him, finally looking up at him.

"What?" JJ asks innocently, "Certainly something I like picturing in my brain."

"You're disgusting, JJ," Kie grumbles, taking a long sip of her beer.

"Can you let it go now, please?" John B asks JJ, pointing to you as a reference of what he's talking about.

You feel your phone vibrate in your back pocket and pull it out, noticing it's a text from Rafe. You keep his number under the name of an old boss you used to have at your job, so if anyone were to look at your incoming texts before you could, that's all they would see. Rafe keeps your number under a different girl's name, which you hate, but understand.

Meet me at the Druthers in half hour. Can't wait to see you.

You smile softly at the text and then tuck your phone away again before anyone can notice. You watch JJ and John B argue with one another about JJ's so called 'investigation', and Kie rolls her eyes every now and then. Pope has closed his eyes and is trying to drift off. You take a few big gulps of you beer and finish it, then set the empty bottle down on the coffee table.

"I'm just saying, brother, you're hindering this process by not answering my questions on where you were yesterday," JJ says to John B, who looks so frustrated he could scream.

"All right, boys," you announce as you stand, "I gotta take off. Early morning at work tomorrow."

JJ frowns, "Early morning serving Kooks! Nah, sit down. I haven't solved the case yet."

You take a step closer to JJ and stare into his eyes, ready to totally fuck with him.

"You really wanna know who is was, JJ?" you ask.

The smell of weed and your vanilla perfume fills his nose, making him feel even more intoxicated than he already is. He can feel himself melting already, and he wants to know who did it so he can beat the daylights out of them.

"Yes," he replies, trying his best to keep his voice even.

You lean in very close to him, your lips only inches apart, and you swear you can hear his heart pounding. You can't see them, but you can tell the other three can't tear their eyes away.

"Your mother," you whisper against his lips, watching as he sighs and steps away from you.

You hear John B crack up as you smirk, then start toward the porch.

"Fuck off, all right?" JJ calls after you, "I'm going to close this case!"

"Whatever you say, JJ,'" you reply, then rush off the porch steps and out into the night.

You had to sneak around to the back of the Cameron's property, afraid someone in the house might see you. Luckily, you and Rafe have carved out a path and tested it many times to make sure it's not visible from the house. You're most exposed on the dock, but you figure the darkness should at least help.

You can see some lights on the boat, but you don't see Rafe right away. You reach the side of the boat and look around, wondering if he's on the boat or went back to the house. You're hesitant to climb on, given that it's his family boat and anyone could be there.

"You're late," you hear, and you glance up to the top deck to find him, grinning down at you.

"Sorry, I had trouble getting away," you reply as he starts down to get you.

"Those Pogues never want to let you leave, is that it?" he asks you once he climbs down, coming to stand directly in front of you.

"Well, one of them caught sight of these," you pull your shirt down, exposing Rafe's work, "So it got a little complicated."

Rafe smirks at what he's done to you, how he's marked you. He brings his hand up and traces his finger over the mark on your collarbone, stroking your skin softly.

"They have to know you're spoken for," he says softly.

You could melt under his touch, you really believe that. His skin just belongs on yours.

"We could just tell them," you volunteer.

Rafe snickers and then removes his hand, bringing it down to yours. He doesn't respond to your comment.

"Come aboard, m'lady," he announces in a cheesy accent, helping you on.

"All right," you say once your feet are firmly in the boat, "What are we doing here?"

"Well," Rafe sighs, taking your hand and leading you down into the boat, "I couldn't sneak you into the house tonight, and this place has a bed and a bathtub, so I figured, what the hell? Let's spend the night on the boat."

He leads you toward the bedroom, which was usually the one his parents used. It wasn't very large, but it was definitely enough for the two of you.

"A bathtub?" you repeat to him as he pulls you in.

He nods and then opens up the bathroom door, exposing his handy work. He's filled up the tub with hot water and bubbles, and set out champagne for the two of you. You grin as you look back to him, watching the shy smile on his face grow.

"Is it, like, an anniversary or something?" you ask, gawking at what he's set up for you.

"No, I don't think so," he laughs, "I just feel like being close to you."

You turn around and collapse into him, loving the feeling you get when he wraps his arms around you. It makes you feel safe and protected, like nothing bad could ever happen to you as long as he was with you.

"Want to get in?" he asks softly against your head, and you nod.

He pulls his head back to look at you, and you observe how tired his eyes look. He's been clean for a month now, but you can tell it gets to him every now and again. He craves it, needs it, wants it more than anything. Which you understand, because it's exactly how you feel about him.

Without breaking eye contact with you, he pulls your shirt over your head from the bottom, then brings his hands down to undo the button on your shorts. They fall to the ground and you step out of them as Rafe brings his head down to kiss your chest. He brings his hands around your body and undoes your bra, letting it fall to the floor too.

He kisses down your chest and your stomach, the kisses wet and quick. You bring your hands to his hair, playing with it as he continues to kiss you. He stops once he reaches your underwear, smirking up at you as he loops his fingers through either side and takes his sweet time sliding them down your legs. He leaves a kiss on both of your thighs, then stands back up and kisses your lips again.

You can't get him to stop, nor do you want him to, as he pulls his own shirt over his head, only breaking your kiss for a second. Your hand goes to his shorts and you slide them off, finding he's not wearing underwear. You laugh against his lips.

He brings you over to the tub and takes your hand, helping you in. He climbs in after you and immediately pulls you onto his lap, bringing his lips to your neck. You moan softly, only pressing him to continue. Your hands find his hair again, then come down to stroke his back.

He kisses on you for a while, your lips, your neck, your chest, anywhere. After a bit, he pulls back and just stares at you, pulling his hand out of the water every now and then to play with your hair. That gets it wet, but you don't care. This moment quickly becomes one of your favorites.

"How are you feeling?" you ask him, bringing a bubbly hand up to stroke his cheek.

"Could be better," he admits after a minute, "I just needed to see you."

You nod, fixing the hair that's starting to hang in his eyes.

"You were thinking about it," you state, figuring out why he texted you to meet him so soon.

He will usually give you a heads-up, tell you in the morning he wants to see you at night. His 'half an hour' text was unusual. He nods his head, not wanting to admit to you that he was thinking about relapsing.

"I don't like feeling like this," he admits.

You stare at him, knowing that if any of the guys at the club, or any of your friends, saw Rafe like this, he most definitely would not get the same respect he does from them. The show he puts on for everyone else, the tough guy who acts emotionless, is so fake that you can't help but laugh when you see him around the island. It's just so not who he really is.

"I know, baby," you whisper back.

Your hand cups his cheek, thumb brushing over his skin. He brings his hand up and takes yours, then reaches over and swipes bubbles onto your nose. This makes him smile, which in turn makes you smile.

"Hey," you pout, then take your free hand and reach to do the same, but he's too quick for you.

You giggle, trying to get to him, and he laughs loudly when you can't.

"Okay, okay, truce," he yells, still laughing, grabbing both of your wrists and holding them down so you can't get him.

"Only because you're cute," you agree.

"Hmm, I'll show you cute," he smirks, then leans down and kisses you, but it's rougher this time.

You know exactly what he wants.

You have sex with Rafe in the tub, then again on the bed, and neither of you bother getting dressed. Afterward, you had gone into the bathroom to fix yourself up, and when you come back out, Rafe is reading as he lays in bed and waits for you.

When you emerge, he closes his book and looks up at you. How perfect you are, how much he loves you, and how large of a hickey he put on the sweet spot of your neck, visible enough for anyone on the island to see.

"What are you reading?" you ask him, crawling into the bed beside him. He opens his arm up and allows your head to fall down to his chest, then leaves his hand to rest on your back.

"East of Eden," he says, holding up the book as proof.

"You don't have to stop," you say, giving his chest a small kiss.

Rafe grins and opens the book back up with one hand, then quietly starts reading it out loud. You listen as he speaks, breathing in his scent along with the story. His voice is so calm, so soothing, and you can feel his chest vibrate slightly against your temple as he reads. It doesn't take long for you to fall asleep, because you know this is what heaven feels like.

Rafe wakes you early the next morning, knowing you have to get to work. Thankfully, you work on Figure Eight, but that was only because of Rafe. He had gotten you a job at the club after learning how much you made on the Cut with your last job. Plus, with you at the club, he knows he'll get to see you more often.

He brings you your bag, which contains your uniform for work along with an extra pair of underwear and fresh bra. You ask him to get your clothes from the bathroom, and he tells you he washed them last night after you had fallen asleep, then goes to get them from the dryer.

He hands you a stack of clothes after you get dressed, and you don't bother checking that you have everything. You just shove it in your bag and then throw your hair up in a ponytail. Rafe comes up behind you in the bathroom mirror and kisses your neck, then your cheek.

You turn around and give him a proper kiss, which makes him happy. He groans against your lips after a minute.

"I don't want to make you late," he says as he pulls away, "Get your stuff, I'll drive you."

You nod and then exit the bathroom, grabbing your bag from the bedroom and then watching as Rafe slides his shorts back on. He steps over and picks his shirt up off the floor, tossing it over his head even though its inside out.

You laugh at him and he smiles back, then takes your hand and leads you off the boat. He knows his parents have already left for work and his sisters don't get up until noon, so he holds your hand all the way down the dock. It's the most public place that he had ever shown affection toward you, and you love it.

You two walk around the house and Rafe leads you to the passenger door of his truck, holding it open for you. He gives you a sweet kiss before he gently closes the door, then rushes around and gets in the drivers seat.

He holds your hand all the way to the club, occasionally bringing it up to his lips to kiss. You watch his motion, convinced you will never love someone like this again. He pulls into the parking lot of the club, parking further back because he knows some people inside might recognize his truck. The early morning golfers have already started to arrive.

"Top and I are playing golf in about an hour, so we'll be around for lunch," he tells you.

His eyes look sad, like he doesn't want you to get out of the truck. You wrap his hand up in two of yours, trying to comfort him.

"I can't wait," you smile at him.

"I'm gonna try to request your section, but I'm not sure how it'll work out. You know, with Topper listening and all."

You nod your head, then reach up and stroke his cheek. You just love how soft his skin is, you can't seem to get enough. He relaxes under your touch, letting his eyes close.

"I'll see you later," you tell him, not wanting to leave him, either.

He leans over and gives you a kiss, one you never want to pull away from.

"I love you," he whispers against your lips once he pulls away.

"I love you, too," you say, then give him a smile.

He smiles back, but it fades once you reach for the door handle. You hop out, and with one last, longing look to your boyfriend, you close the door and walk up to the club.

The breakfast rush isn't too bad, nothing compared to when the lunch rush starts. Apparently, every single man on the island is playing golf today, and they're all hungry. You barely even notice when Rafe, Topper and Kelce sit down at a table, one that just so happens to be in your section. Rafe sees you first, watching as you hurry around to different tables, talk to different people, and even laugh with a few of the guests. He wishes he could do that with you the way they could.

The three boys sit there for about five minutes before Topper makes some remark about nobody coming to the table yet.

"Shut up, dude, they're busy," Rafe replies.

Topper and Kelce both look over at Rafe, giving him a 'what did you just say?' glance. Rafe coughs awkwardly and shakes his head, brushing them off.

"Afternoon, boys," you greet them, knowing better than to look directly at Rafe.

You two have perfected the routine. No secret glances, no lingering stares, nothing to make anyone suspicious.

"Water," Topper points to the glass.

You plaster a smile on your face, even though you really could hit him. You lean forward to fill up his glass, Topper only glances up for a second when he spies the large hickey on your neck.

"What, they don't pay you enough here?" he asks you, pointing to his neck as if to ask you about your own.

You stare down at him, completely unsure of how you wish to handle it, so Rafe speaks up instead.

"I'll take a rum and coke," he says quickly, glancing at you only for a second before he looks back down at his phone.

"Yes, sir," you say quietly.

Kelce orders the same as Rafe, and you walk away with murder in your mind. Topper is such an asshole, always has been, and you've never wanted so badly to tell him that the creator of that hickey is sitting two feet away from him.

You go inside to the bar and slide the drink orders in, just as something out the window catches your eye. JJ's standing outside, waving his arms like a mad man at you. You grin, walking back outside to talk to him.

All of your tables, including Rafe's, can see you approach JJ. But you don't care. You love when he comes to see you at work. He's a familiar face amongst a sea of rich folk.

"Hey," you greet him, a big smile on your face.

"Please tell me you're not busy after work," he says quickly, "Kie's grounded, Pope's studying, and John B's off in La La Land with Sarah Cameron again."

You try your best to ignore the part where JJ brings up John B and Sarah Cameron. They've started hanging out recently, and the friends give absolutely no shit to John B about it. Yet, you know if you told them you were seeing Rafe, all of their heads would explode.

"I'm not busy," you tell him.

"Good. Blunts by the beach?" he raises his eyebrow, both of your favorite activity to do together.

You nod, then give him a smile.

"Bless you, sweetheart," he throws his arms around you, pulling you in for a bear hug.

"JJ-" you try, but he squeezes you even tighter, "I have to get back to work."

JJ sets you down, rolling his eyes as he adjusts his Kildare Island snapback.

"Ah, yes, back to the chains of capitalism. Go, move along, serve these hardworking folks!" he raises his voice as he speaks, making you shake your head.

You start to back away from him, knowing you need to get back to your tables. Your manager comes up behind JJ and taps him on the shoulder.

"Yes, in fact, brother. I am a member here," you hear JJ say.

You turn around and start walking away, and then you hear a, "Okay, you got it, boss. I'm out of here."

You laugh slightly, then go back inside to the bar and grab the drinks for Rafe and Kelce. When you get back outside to their table, you notice how Rafe's jaw is clenched and he doesn't even steal a glance at you as you set his drink down in front of him.

"You all know what you want?" you ask, looking to Kelce first.

Kelce tells you, and with a polite smile, he hands over his menu. Topper goes next, practically barking out his food order, then hands Kelce his menu to hand to you. Much to your surprise, Kelce rolls his eyes at Topper, allowing you to see, then smirks at you. You smile in return, then look over to Rafe.

"For you, sir?" you ask.

Rafe is staring straight ahead, but his eyes flicker over to you when you speak. He snaps his menu shut and holds it up for you to take.

"Not hungry," he mutters.

You swallow as you take the menu from him, wanting to remind him that he hadn't eaten this morning, and is now drinking alcohol, and needs to put food in his stomach. But, instead, you bite your tongue and take his menu, then quietly tell Topper and Kelce their food will be out shortly.

After a few minutes, you finally get a break in the lunch rush and step inside to cool down. Rafe notices this and excuses himself from the boys to go to the bathroom, then steps inside the clubhouse. You glance up from the hostess stand to see him nod his head at the hallway where the bathrooms are, so you step out and follow him.

Once you turn down the hall, Rafe is waiting for you right by the men's room. He's pulled the door open to check if anyone is inside, and when he's confident the coast is clear, he grabs your wrist and pulls you in with him.

"What's going on?" you ask him, yanking your wrist from his harsh grip.

"JJ's coming to see you at work now?" Rafe snaps, running his hand through his hair.

"He's my friend," you defend him, making Rafe scoff.

"That piece of garbage isn't friends with anything that has a vagina," he laughs, but it's sarcastic.

"Okay, why are you being an asshole right now?" your voice gets loud, so he brings his hand up to silence you.

"I just don't like it when he puts his hands on you," Rafe whispers.

"Well, at least someone does in public," you snap, watching his chest fall.

He doesn't say anything right away, so you know you've upset him. You sigh and set your hands on your hips, then look back up at him.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean that," you say, "I'm just a little frustrated. Topper's a real asshole."

Rafe nods his head, reaching out and pulling you into him. You accept his hug, letting him make you feel safe.

"I'm sorry, baby," he says quietly.

"It's not your fault," you remind him, then pick your head up from his chest, "I have to get back to work."

Rafe nods and releases his arms from around you. you reach for the door handle, then turn back around to him.

"By the way," you say, watching his eyes meet yours, "I put in an order for you, anyway. You shouldn't drink on an empty stomach."

Rafe smiles softly at you and then nods. You poke your head out of the door just enough, then carefully slide out of the bathroom. You close the door behind you and rush away, knowing Rafe will wait a few minutes before coming out.

Their food comes out a few minutes later, so you grab the three plates and carry them outside. You had ordered Rafe his usual - burger, medium well, and fries. He got it almost every time. Topper and Kelce look confused as hell when you set down Rafe's usual order in front of him after he had ordered nothing.

"Thank you," Rafe says quietly, without even realizing anything.

"Anything else I can get you boys?" you ask, looking to Kelce, who seems to be your safest bet at the table.

"Nah," he shakes his head.

Topper doesn't speak and neither does Rafe, so you walk away. Kelce smirks and looks to the boys.

"Yo, I think that waitress has got a thing for me," he grins.

Rafe laughs, louder than he means to, earning both the boys' attention.

"What?" Rafe asks, picking up his burger, "She's a Pogue, bro."

He adds the last part just to cover his own ass, which seems to work, because Topper shrugs.

"She's still hot," Kelce mutters, making Rafe stop form taking a bite of his food. Before he can say anything in return, Topper speaks up.

"Hey, man, I thought you told her you didn't want anything," Topper looks at him, his stare almost accusing.

"I ordered when I went in to pee," Rafe says, a little too quickly.

"And it came out that fast?" Topper questions, eyebrow raised.

Rafe just shrugs, "I told the Pogue to put a rush on it."

Topper grins, completely accepting Rafe's story. The boys eat quickly, and when they're through, you bring over the tab they have to sign. Kelce passes the booklet around the table, it ending with Rafe.

"Let's roll, boys," Rafe announces after he signs.

The boys stand up, ready to walk out, when Rafe tells them he forgot his phone at the table and would catch up. They go on, not looking back as Rafe rushes back to the table and opens the booklet again. Pulling out his wallet, he slides a one-hundred into it as a tip, then pulls out his copy of his receipt, scribbling on it, then closing it again.

You see him just as he closes the booklet and then walks away, not looking around for you. So, you step over to the table and grab it, your eyes going wide as you see the bill inside. You want to chase after him, make him take it back, but you know you can't. Then, you see the writing on his receipt.

I'm sorry. I love you.

You feel your heart ache in your chest, quickly pocketing the bill and the little note. You bite your lip to hide a smile, then check on the rest of your tables with a bit more enthusiasm than you've held the entire shift.

You meet JJ on the beach after work and smoke, hanging out and talking about your job. You vent about how much of a tool Topper is, to which JJ agrees. You even told him about your big tip, but you gave the credit to an older guy who probably messed up the bills when he removed them from his wallet. JJ was so shocked - he asked if you could get him a job there. You said you'd try, remembering the only reason you had your job was because of Rafe.

Once it gets dark, you and JJ head back to John B's. He isn't there when you arrive, which causes JJ to joke about how he's too busy macking on Sarah Cameron to come home. You laugh lightly, but really, you wish you were with Rafe. You decide to text him, just to make sure he's still doing okay.

How are you feeling?

You type and hit send quickly, before JJ even notices you're on your phone. You and JJ collapse on the couch and continue to talk, ignoring JJ when he points to the new hickey on your neck. He watches your expression change and assumes you don't want to talk about it, so he drops it.

You text goes unanswered for a while. Long enough that you start to worry. You sit up, glancing at your phone every few seconds, convinced every time that you feel it vibrate. It never does.

JJ starts to doze off, and when you hear a knock at the door, you're not surprised when he doesn't move. You get up, careful not to wake him, and then step out on the porch. You assume it's probably Pope finally coming to join, but when you glance up, your heart stops when you see Rafe through the screen.

You rush out and close the door behind you, staring at him. He looks like a mess, his hair is standing up in all different directions and he's biting his nails as he tries to keep himself calm.

"What are you doing here?" you whisper to him.

"Baby," he says, his voice weak, "Holy shit, baby, I fucked up."

He starts to pace, reaching his hand up to bite his nails again. Your heart sinks into your stomach as you stare at him.

"Rafe," you say, keeping your voice calm, "Did you relapse?"

He stops, head snapping over to you and looking at you like you're crazy.

"What?" he gasps, "No. What the fuck, no."

You shake your head, confused as to what he's talking about if not that. You reach out and grab onto his hands, pulling his fingers away from his mouth so he stops biting his nails.

"Then what happened?" you ask.

He stares at you and sighs, then grabs your hands in his, "Sarah was on the boat this afternoon."

He states this and stops, as if you should be able to figure it all out from there. You stare at him, waiting for him to continue. When he doesn't, you shake your head.

"And?"

Rafe groans, as if you should already know, "And, when I picked up your clothes off the bathroom floor this morning, I sorta, kinda, missed your underwear. Sarah found them and brought them in the house, she started yelling at me for bringing random girls on the boat and told me it was disgusting and..." he trails off, then starts again, "And I snapped. I told her that it wasn't random girls, it was one girl, and then she asked who, and I didn't answer, so she started yelling for my dad, and then I told her that it was you. I had to shut her up, babe, my dad would kick my ass-"

"Rafe," you stop him, squeezing his hands, "Stop. Just calm down, all right?"

Rafe takes a deep breath, watching you and trying to calm himself down to your level.

"Was John B with your sister when she confronted you?" you ask him, still keeping your voice calm for his sake.

"What?" Rafe questions, "No. Why would John B be with Sarah?"

You look up at him, realizing Rafe has no idea that Sarah and John B are together. You look at him until he slowly figures it out, then reaches up and grabs his temples.

"They're together?" Rafe says, shocked, "She can't be with him!"

You make a face, "Why not?"

"Because he's a fucking Pogue," Rafe snaps, then immediately realizes what he's said.

His eyes travel over to you and he quickly shakes his head, then wraps his arms around you before you can run off. You aren't sure what to say or do, so you just stand in his arms. He tries not to be bothered when you don't return his embrace.

"I didn't mean that," he says quickly, "I didn't. I love you. I'm sorry."

You swallow your feelings and move your face into his chest. You keep your arms by your side, but your little movement soothes him enough. His words circle around in your head, and after a minute, you move away from him. If all you're ever going to be to him is a Pogue, you're not sure being with him is the right choice. He looks hurt when you move away, but you try to shake it off.

"So, everyone knows Sarah's with John B?" he asks you.

"Yeah," you reply.

He runs his hand through his hair, pulling it back from his face.

"So why have we been hiding out?"

You back away even further, turning and grabbing the screen door. You pull it open, then turn back and give Rafe a small, sympathetic smile.

"I wasn't the one who wanted to keep us a secret, Rafe."

You watch him just for a moment as his expression changes, realizing that every boundary, every rule, has been created by him. He made up every sneaky mission, every path the two of you would take, and you just went along with it because you enjoyed being with him. His heart sinks as he watches you walk back into the house, shutting the porch light off behind you.

John B wakes you and JJ the next morning, coming in the house and finding you both asleep with JJ's arm around you. You sit up and rub your eyes, moving out from JJ's grip. He rolls over on the couch and goes back to sleep, while John B nods his head for you to follow him into the kitchen.

You're still groggy from last night, it all coming back to you as you enter the kitchen. Rafe's last look at you before you had come back inside rushes through your head, and you do your best to wipe it away.

"So," John B looks down at you, observing the hickey on your neck for just a second before he continues speaking, "I think I solved JJ's case."

You look up at him, remembering what Rafe had said about telling Sarah. Now, as you look up at your friend, you know he knows.

"She told you," you state. You don't ask him, you don't need to.

He nods his head, "Why didn't you tell us?"

You sigh and sit down at the table near him, glancing quickly to make sure JJ's still passed out. It's always easier to talk and be honest with John B when JJ's not around to make some comment or joke. And you know JJ would call Rafe and asshole and try to talk you out of it.

"Rafe didn't want me to," you answer honestly, not liking those words.

"Because of who you are?" he asks, trying his best to not sound too judgmental.

John B doesn't like Rafe even in the slightest, but he trusts your judgment and wants to know the full truth on what's going on between the two of you.

"I don't know," you look down, even though you're sure that's the truth.

"How long have you been seeing him?"

You look up to him, biting the inside of your cheek as you hesitate to respond. John B can tell just by your behavior that he isn't going to like the answer.

"Eight months."

John B swears under his breath and turns away from you, running a hand over his head as he processes.

"I can't believe you thought you had to keep that from us. And I can't believe the whole time I've been running my mouth about Sarah," he groans, like he's frustrated with himself because you didn't tell him.

"John B, it's okay," you stand now, setting your hand on his arm, "You didn't know."

He looks up at you, his eyes gentler.

"You love him?"

You nod, only slightly, when he pulls you in for a hug. You hug him back, trying not to cry, because you have no idea where you stand with Rafe. You pull away first, shielding your face so he can't see the way your eyes are filled with tears.

You tell him you have to get ready for work, you're on for lunch and dinner today, and then excuse yourself to go take a shower. You take your sweet time, and all of John B's hot water, then get dressed. JJ is still asleep when you leave, so you say a quick goodbye to John B ans make your way over to Figure Eight.

You think about texting him, but decide against it. If he wants to fix things, he's going to have to handle it himself. You tell yourself to put it out of your head for your whole shift and just focus on your work, that you can handle your personal life on your own time.

You clock in and immediately start busting your ass, making sure every one of your tables has everything they need. The lunch rush slows, enough that you can hang out and chat with the bartender before the dinner rush begins.

The dinner rush today is like nothing you've ever experienced before. Just as busy as yesterday, but larger parties. Plus you're down a waiter. The whole process just stresses you out more than it did yesterday. You're rushing around the outside deck, trying to remember all of your drink orders, when he catches your eye. Rafe's sitting at a table with Topper and Kelce, watching you. You try not to be upset that he's not in your section, but you look away from him and walk inside instead.

You bring drinks out a few minutes later, finding JJ standing on the deck again, chatting up another waitress.

"What are you doing here?" you ask as you pass him.

He nods to the girl as a way of excusing himself, then follows you to your table as you deliver the tray of drinks.

"Came to see if you wanted to help me break Kie out of her house arrest," he grins.

You look up at him, your stressed expression getting his attention. You walk away and set the tray down on a rack outside, JJ still following you.

"I'm really busy right now, JJ. I can't."

He frowns, getting annoyed that you won't even look at him.

"What about later? Also, do you know what's up with John B? He was acting all quiet this morning when I asked where you had run off to. Did you guys get into it or something?"

"Oh, my God, JJ-" you groan and spin around, but you get cut off by a loud voice you recognize all too well.

"Excuse me, everyone," Rafe speaks, his voice carrying to almost the entire deck.

You turn around and find him standing up at his table, Topper and Kelce both looking confused as hell.

"I have an announcement to make," his eyes move over to yours, and Topper notices this, "I am in love."

You cross your arms over your chest and look at him, daring him to do it. JJ scoffs as he stands behind you, having not a single clue what's going on.

"Who in their right mind would love him?" JJ laughs.

"Rafe, sit down, man, are you high?" Topper snaps, fearing what Rafe is about to say.

Rafe brings his hand up and points over to you, watching as you bring your hand up to your mouth in astonishment.

"That's her. Right there, that pretty waitress. I'm completely and totally in love with her. And I'm sorry that I haven't admitted that sooner."

You grin at him, letting out a laugh as he steps out from behind the table. You forget about JJ and Topper and Kelce, it seems to be just the two of you. He walks over to you and grabs the back of your neck, pulling you up to him for a kiss. You hear a few people cheer and clap, but nothing crazy. When Rafe pulls away, you smile, and mouth 'i love you' to him.

"So this means you're not into me?" Kelce asks with a grin.

"Sorry," you shrug, leaning your head on Rafe's chest.

"Damn, that's why Rafe found it so funny," he mutters to himself.

Topper doesn't speak, he just gets up from the table and walks into the clubhouse, clearly embarrassed and angry at Rafe. You turn to find JJ, standing behind you with his mouth open.

"So, it's Rafe's handiwork on your neck, then?" he asks, still stunned.

You nod sheepishly, feeling Rafe lean down to kiss your temple.

"Shit," JJ mutters, "I'm gonna go smoke a blunt and process this brand new information."

You shake your head, promising to catch up with him later. He just nods and walks off, his expression never changing from how stunned he is.

"I can't believe you did that," you turn to your boyfriend. He grins down at you.

"I should've done it eight months ago. I'm sorry I let it get this far," he brings his hand up to your cheek.

You love the feeling of his skin on yours. Most days, you wish you could crawl into his skin. But even then, it wouldn't be close enough for either of you.

"It's okay," you smile, "I should get back to work."

He nods, giving you one more quick kiss on the lips.

"Meet you after?" he asks against your lips. You can still taste him.

"Yes, please."

[kores-pomegranate]

I’ve been thinking for a while that I’d like to write down what it feels like when I’m at my worst. I think the human brain, for all of its wonder, does a shit job of hanging onto things, especially things that are painful. I’ve found that I can never quite recall what my body feels like or what thoughts race through my head when I feel very low.

I’m not at my lowest at the moment, but it was recent enough that I can remember pretty well. Last week, my doctor and I came to the agreement that I probably have cyclothymia. Even as a mental health professional, I didn’t know much about it outside of people calling it “Bipolar Lite ™️.” My doctor asked me if I’d ever had consistent relief from my anxiety. The answer to that is “fuck no.” If I feel consistently neutral, that’s about as good as it gets. I never feel consistently *good.* There are moments, here and there. Flashes, sometimes even a week or two at a time where I feel pretty good.

I don’t know if you’ve ever had COVID or chronic bronchitis, but if you have you probably know what it feels like not to be able to take a truly deep breath without sputtering or getting light-headed. That’s how those “pretty good” stretches feel for me. I can’t breathe all the way, I can’t settle. Always, always, a l w a y s there is background static flavored with fear. Justified fear, even. A body tensed waiting for the gun to go off to begin the sprint; all potential energy waiting for my next meltdown or crisis. And the fear is justified because one of the only certainties I can rely on when it comes to my brain is that it will freak the fuck out at some point. It doesn’t matter if everything is fine, it doesn’t matter if I’ve been doing well or taking my medications and going to therapy. I can always count on a meltdown that burns through that potential energy so fast that it brings my functioning to a screeching halt.

Anyway, back to my doctor. I told him, with less flowery language, that I’ve felt that way my whole life with little relief. To my surprise, he looked…relieved? Excited? He told me that he’d been wondering about cyclothymia for me ever since I told him I wasn't sure if one (of my four) anxiety meds was working.

Because, the thing is, it should have been working.

If what I have been experiencing was traditional anxiety, the cocktail of medications I was on should have knocked it out. And I definitely should not have had breakthrough panic attacks, self harm relapses, or roller coasters of SI.

My doc took my pulse which was sitting at around 150. He looked alarmed and took it three more times. He confirmed that I'd taken all of my meds. And then, he looked determined. He told me he thought I'd benefit from a mood stabilizer that was specifically developed for cyclothymia, to help treat hypomania.

Oh, hypomania. The "less severe" form of manic episodes. It's true, in some regards, I suppose. I don't experience week-long hells where I feel euphoric and invincible and out of control. I don't spend thousands of dollars I don't have on things I don't need. I don't make reckless or dangerous decisions with sex or drugs or food and I don't get psychosis. I'm thankful I don't have to endure those things.

But I don't get the supposed "good stuff" that is supposed to accompany hypomania. I don't get a sudden burst of energy and productivity that compels me to delightedly clean my house or do meal prep. I don't have days where I wake up in a sudden and miraculous good mood that lasts for a few days.

No, I don't get any of that. I get days and moments where my body feels like it is ripped from my control with absolutely no warning. I get, in a matter of seconds, a heart rate that jumps from 65 to 180. A rush of adrenaline that makes my body shake. The sudden and crushing belief that *nothing is okay and I will never be okay." The near incontrollable urge to just r u n a w a y. The urge to self harm. Sometimes actual self harm because feeling anything else would be better than this. Sometimes the urge to just…be gone. Because if this is my life I don't want it anymore.

That is what hypomania is like for me. Feeling as though someone broke into my car and is driving it wherever they want, even though I'm in the backseat losing my shit and fighting to regain control. It's not a fight I ever win. Instead, it's as though the thief gets bored and ditches me and my car in whatever state they put us in.

"See you soon," it always says.

Fear has been the soundtrack of my life for as long as I can remember. Today marks one week of taking mood stabilizers and 0 days since my last hypomanic episode.

I'm happy to still be here. It's nice to feel hopeful, even if I'm really fucking suspicious about it.

And to that car thief I say, "fuck you."

[jaehyunzzmilk]

make a wish

pairing: johnjae x reader (incubus angels)

word count: 2.1 k

genre: smut

summary: imagine johnny and jaehyun appearing in your room to satisfy your sexual dreams

notes: hey angels, as promised I'm uploading the first part of this fic I've always wanted to write, first chapter has to be with johnny and why not add my other bias, god gave us two holes for a reason lol next parts will be with other nct members but omg I got so horny while writing this, hope you like it, leave a feedback if you like

warnings: threesome, fingering, oral (male and female receiving), unprotected sex, double penetration, spanking, biting, choking, cum play, anal (female receiving)

"Make A Wish"

You're searching for some books at the occultism part at the library, you're not exactly sure what you're looking for, you just hope to find some answers for the dreams you're having. It was always the same dreams, well not the same story every time but it was always with the same men and at the same place, since you could remember. "Aren't people supposed to have different dreams?"

But the funny thing is, you're not afraid, the dreams are not nightmares, you actually like the feeling. There are these beautiful men, you think they are angels, always the same ones, there's something about them, when they appear in your dreams you get a level of serotonin you don't need anything else, you can feel them touching you, it's like you loved them.

You were almost obsessed with it, to a level where you spent most of your time sleeping trying to dream about it again. Of course you couldn't tell them to any therapist or friend because they would say you were insane, so you decided to do your own research.

While searching over the bookshelves, a word grabs your attention "Incubus".

'These demons crave sex and often attack their victims while they sleep.' You've heard about this before. While reading that quote a flash went through your brain of one of them fucking you, you couldn't remember which one was it, but the fact that you had a better feeling of orgasm from a dream that your real life was exciting. Maybe that was the reason you wanted to dream about it again.

Do you know that feeling when you wake up from a dream and don't remember about it at all? But you know you had the dream, and who it was with. That's how you feel about the demons or angels from your dreams. But the only thing you're sure it's you have to find a way to extend the feelings, enjoy them and ironically be conscious. You want to remember their faces, to talk to them, to fully feel them.

When you get home you prepare tea to start reading your book, you don't want to drink coffee because you want to sleep easily. Reading through the pages you learn that since the old days people experience dreams like the ones you do, for some people it might feel like nightmares, sleep paralysis and some even feel pain, it can last years. Then you learn something called lucid dream, that basically you can have control over your actions. You just wanted to see them again.

Can you induce a lucid dream? You were going to try it. There's a lot of ways to lucid dreaming, a lot of them involved setting up an alarm after you're in an REM phase of your sleep, which is the deepest level of sleep, then staying up for 30 minutes and getting back to sleep again. It was too much work, you were gonna try the easiest way.

Hours later, after reading the book and googling everything about lucid dreaming, you lay down on your bed and you try to remember some of your old dreams, that's what one of the articles says. You try hard to remember details, things you normally don't remember like the smell, the noises, the colour of the walls… And you repeat to yourself "I will dream about them tonight, I will remember my dream"

After about 30 minutes you're impatient, you can't stand to stay still anymore, you try everything but can't fall asleep. You open your eyes and stare at the ceiling then you grab your phone.

[1:00 am]

"- I love when she uses that silk night dress" A voice from the corner of the room says.

"- Look how perfect she is waiting for us!" Another voice says.

The two tall men walk towards your bed. They are tall and beautiful. They wear silk white clothes and have a skin that looks like porcelain.

Did it work? Were you dreaming?

"Are you angels?" You ask and sit down on your bed.

Both of them look at each other and laugh, they are sitting at the tip of the bed now.

"- You're the only angel here princess" The guy on the right says.

They come closer to you.

"- You were waiting for us, right? Did you miss us?"

"Ye-Yes but… Who are you? Can I know your names?" You say afraid you're going to wake up and they will disappear.

"- It's ok princess, we're not going anywhere! My name is Johnny" - He says passing his fingers through your hair.

"- I'm Jaehyun!" He lays on your side.

Gosh, how could they be so beautiful? It seems that you're in control of your actions now. You suddenly get shy and don't know what to do. If it's a dream then why does it feel so real?

"- You called us, right princess? Don't be shy" Jaehyun says and moves his hands up your tights, your whole body shivers with goosebumps.

"- Just relax angel, we'll take care of you, that's why we're here" Johnny says while kissing your neck.

Jaehyun moves his hand up and touches your core with the tip of his fingers.

"- Look Johnny, she's not wearing any panties! She was begging for us to come"

You moan while Jaehyun kisses the other side of your neck. Johnny takes off the shoulder strap from your night dress exposing one of your breasts and he goes down giving wet kisses on your nipple. Jaehyun moves your chin to his direction and kisses you, soft but intense.

"- Tell us what you want princess! Make a wish!" Johnny says, kissing your collarbones and grabbing your boob with his hand.

"I want you, both, all night"

Now Johnny kisses you, and Jaehyun starts to finger you slowly.

"- You have us, wish conceived!" Jaehyun says while taking off your night dress.

"- You're perfect!" Johnny passes his hands through your body and takes off his clothes. He kisses you again and sucks your bottom lip.

When Jaehyun's mouth makes contact with your clit you moan in Johnny's lip. You reach out to Johnny's length and start to move your hands up and down, spreading the precum from the tip to his base. Johnny comes back to sucking your nipple while Jaehyun is eating you out.

"- I want that pretty little mouth around my cock" Johnny says, grabbing your face to his cock. He pushes his length all the way into your mouth making you gag, saliva leaking from the corners of your mouth while you moan and take him all in. Holding your neck with one hand Johnny finds a way to reach your clit with his free hand while Jaehyun is devouring your pussy. Jaehyun's twitching back muscles looked so beautiful with his head between your legs and Johnny making sure he was also pleasuring you while you sucked him.

"- Such a good girl, does it feel good having both of us all for you?" Johnny says, pressing his finger harder on your clit. You pull out Johnny's length from your mouth for a second so you can breathe, your back arches and whole body tense because of how close you are. You give a loud moan when Johnny taps your clit and kisses you again.

"- Are you gonna cum on Jaehyun's mouth angel?" He bites your lower lip.

"Yes... Yes, I'm coming!" You scream in pleasure.

After recovering from your high Jaehyun bites your inner thigh and comes up to kiss you. "Look at how sweet you taste" Jaehyun gives you a deep kiss and Johnny collects your juices with his fingers and puts it in his mouth to also taste you. "- So wet for us!" Johnny says, his eyes get darker and he grabs your neck and kiss it from behind. Johnny grabs your hips and pulls down on his lap, he teases you brushing his cock on your ass.

"- Bend over for me!" Johnny says. You obey and get on all fours, looking up to see Jaehyun's smirking at you. Johnny gives a slap on your ass and you moan in surprise, getting even more wet.

"- Look at me "Jaehyun positions himself in front of your mouth and grabs your neck hard while Johnny enters your pussy with one deep thrust. He fucks you hard and deep while Jaehyun chokes you.

You reach for Jaehyun's dick hard on his stomach and take him in your mouth. You pick up a rhythm, tears coming out of your face from being stuffed with both of their dicks, room filled with the obscene noises of moans and skin slapping. Jaehyun moves his hips deep in your throat making you gag and choke and each one of your moans sends vibrations making him twitch. Jaehyun pulls out for a moment just to tease his tip on your lips, then you deepthroat him again. Johnny's thrusts are getting faster, making you moan into Jaehyn's cock, Johnny is moaning hard as well. "- I'm gonna cum" He digs his nails into your hips and comes hard inside you. At the same time Jaehyun removes himself from your mouth and grabs his dick in his hands "- Me too" he says. With no warning Jaehyun releases into your face making a mess, splashes of cum all over your face. Johnny is still inside you, he pulls your chest against his, holding your boob with your hand and your neck with the other. "- Look at the mess Jaehyun did to your pretty face, you like that don't you?" You push down in his cock and start moving your hips in circle motions "- You're so dirty, are you gonna come for us one more time?" Johnny asks. Johnny holding your weight on him, Jaehyun puts his fingers on your lower ab. "You look so good with Johnny's cook deep in your pussy" Jaehyun teases you while you keep thrusting on Johnny, he puts his hand in your belly, right where Johnny's dick is, then lowers to your clit. "- Cum for us one more time" Jaehyun says. You cum on Johnny's dick, legs shaking and you relapse on your bed.

Johnny and Jaehyun lay on your sides, Jaehyun is facing you and Johnny is behind. Johnny pulls your hair exposing the back of your neck giving you a kiss. "- Are you ready for round 2?" Jaehyun asks, kissing you. He lifts one of your legs, giving an easy access to your core, he teases your pussy lips with his tip, you whine wanting more. Johnny takes the leaking cum from your core to your butt hole, inserting a finger carefully to stretch you out. You squirm to reach Johnny's face and kiss him, rolling your hips to feel Jaehyun's dick brushing against your core and Johnny's fingers on your ass. "- Do you want our cocks filling you up? Can you handle that?" Johnny asks. "-Yes, yes please fuck me, I can take it".

Jaehyun stops the teasing and pulls his whole length into you, then pulls slowly out leaving only the tip inside you, he keeps doing that over and over, the overstimulation in your pussy lips is driving you insane, you whine. "- Sorry, I didn't hear you" Johnny says and slides his cock into your ass, you moan even louder than before with every thrust. The new feeling of pleasure consumes your body, two cocks inside your holes filling you up so good. They were being more gentle, the thrusts were slow but deep. Their hands running all over your body.

"- Fuck, how can you be so tight?" Jaehyun moans "You'll be so full with our cum" you drag your nails into his back. You tilt your head back, resting on Johnny's chest.

"Oh God, I can't hold for much longer!" You scream. Your body and mind are going blank with the overstimulation. Johnny and Jaehyun still thrusting into you, deeper and harder. You squirt on Jaehyun's dick so hard and he climaxes right after you. Jaehyun removes from you and Johnny's thrusts gets messier as he grabs your body with more strength as he is closer to his orgasm, with a few more pounds he releases into you groaning.

You breathe heavily trying to recover. "You did so well, my love!" Johnny says kissing you. Jaehyun helps cleaning you up and softly passes his fingers through your body.

"I don't want you to disappear, please stay with me, only with me!" You lay your head on Jaehyun's chest. "- Don't worry my angel, we are only yours!" Jaehyun says. "Promise?" You look at them. "- Yes baby, we promise!"

"I don't want this dream to end" You say and fall asleep in their arms.

"Find us in your daydream" Johnny whispers.

[brunchbitch]

Update of sorts

Just got through my first week of classes (second to last semester!) and I’m not crazy about 2 out of 3 professors, but oh well. All of them seem like hard asses and tough graders so that’ll be interesting. I’m jealous that so many of my classmates are graduating in May but the trade off was a much more manageable fall schedule. Idk.

I’ve been doing well-ish with cutting down on weed. A couple weeks ago right after the new year I tried to go back to my schedule of no weed during the week (well… really just Tuesday through Thursday lmao) but I had AWFUL trauma dreams and it really affected my mood. So last week I didn’t do as well, though definitely less smoking in the week. This week I took edibles Tuesday night bc I wanted to make sure I would sleep well before my internship, but I didn’t have anything Wednesday or Thursday night. I had some fucked up weird dreams for sure BUT they weren’t directly trauma related so definitely easier to handle. It’s definitely an ongoing challenge but I’m hoping I’ll get used to this schedule and it’ll just become second nature.

Therapy with B is good - we’re now switching to every other week! NEVER thought I wouldn’t be in weekly therapy!! I was worried my behaviors would escalate bc I’m scared of “getting better” and being seen as not sick, but so far so good and it’s helpful to be aware of it.

My parents are coming out next weekend and my mom and I are going wedding dress shopping!!!! Crazy!!!! But we still have 554 days until the wedding so I have plenty of time. This will be more to get a sense of what styles/silhouettes I like. It’s gonna be surreal to look in the mirror with a wedding dress on. Hoping my mom isn’t too opinionated if we disagree lol.

I can’t remember if I have said this on here yet but A and I have decided to move to Seattle in august! I’m soooo excited but also nervous to be close to my family again. A also feels conflicted about it but we’ll take it one day at a time and it doesn’t necessarily need to be permanent. It feels a little silly career wise to leave Boston which is a city with such amazing hospitals and go to Seattle which has one level one trauma center, but I might want to work in a specialized outpatient clinic anyway. I would NOT want to work in an ED so maybe it doesn’t really matter. I think it would be really cool to be a medical social worker in an outpatient cancer clinic working with young adults, though I know that’s very specific and I’m not sure exactly what’s available out there. I’ve started to look at jobs just to get a sense, but obviously I’ll have to study for and pass my licensing exam first. I would love to take more Spanish classes while I’m working on that. I miss it!

Overall things are really good. I keep waiting for shit to hit the fan but idk… weed plus A plus a meaningful internship (last year too) has led to such a long period of stability (well long for me lol). A and I were talking about how at the end of this decade he will be 43 (!!!) and I’ll be 39. I started thinking about my life seven years ago at 24 and it feels like I was a completely different person. I would’ve laughed in your face if you told me I would be where I am today. Idk. It’s weird. I worry that one day I’ll relapse with my depression bc I genuinely feel… happy? So it’s kind of easier to not use behaviors. But if I felt depressed and hopeless, things might be very different. I guess I have to remind myself to take it one day at a time.

Edit: I also started on propranolol a couple months ago and WOW has it made a difference in my anxiety especially at my internship. I feel like I’ve worked really hard to work on the mental distortions, but the physical aspect of the anxiety has just been so tricky. After taking neurobiology last summer, I really am recognizing that trauma can have such long term effects on your body.

[shingia]

Could I request Kuroo, Bokuto, Tsukishima, Sakusa, Miya twins, and Tendou with a reader who used to self harm but was sober for a while, only to relapse after they left bc of a huge argument then please and thanks? Sorry if that’s really intense tho. And thank u for being so nice🙂💞

[𝐓𝐖] 𝐒/𝐎 𝐑𝐄𝐋𝐀𝐏𝐒𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐈𝐍𝐓𝐎 𝐒𝐄𝐋𝐅-𝐇𝐀𝐑𝐌

ok i reaaally hope this is what you expected. i didn’t know what kind of ending you wanted but i decided that you, my friend, needed comfort, so i gave you comfort because you deserve it ❤️️

i hope reading this will make you feel better! kisses on your nose ❤️️

type : (strong) angst | word count : 4.4K

warnings : mentions of self-harm, depiction of depressive behavior (plz do not read if any of these might trigger something, i want you all to be safe <3)

⇀ 𝐤𝐮𝐫𝐨𝐨

« fuck you, kuroo. fuck. you. ». those were the last words you had told him. they had hurt, but they were nothing compared to the last words he had told you, the words that kept playing over and over in your head as you slowly felt yourself drift to your old habits again : « i’m done with you ».

was it your fault ? did you push him over the edge ? you had many questions to ask kuroo, but he wasn’t there to answer anymore. so these thoughts were left spiraling in your head as you started to lose balance between love and pain. because his love used to be the cure to your pain. so now what ? what were you supposed to do other than going back to your old habits ? you couldn’t think of any answer.

on monday morning, you woke up thirty minutes earlier because, first of all, you needed some time for the swelling of your eyes to go down, and second of all, you needed to mentally prepare yourself to see kuroo again. it had been two days since your fight, and he had not manifested himself once. it seemed to be well and truly over ; and that thought had been the main cause of the collapsing of your mental strength over the last two days.

during your first period, although you were avoiding his gaze, kuroo couldn’t help but cast glances in your direction. because he knew you better than anyone, and he could only imagine how hurt you were.

but he really started to get suspicious when he noticed you were not raising your hand to correct today’s homework. he had helped you with that last week, and you had told him that you felt confident enough to propose your correction to the class ; which rarely happened. so why weren’t you raising your hand ?

he had a bad feeling about the answer… he didn’t care about giving you quick glances anymore, he just stared at your arms until one of your movements would make your sleeve reveal just a few inches of your skin.

and he was horrified to have his fears confirmed. the cuts that he had so often kissed while holding you in his arms were back. and he knew it was all because of him. and although his first thought was that it was not his job to heal them anymore, he couldn’t bring himself to act unbothered.

he had loved you for long enough to know that you needed him right now. or maybe he still loved you ? it was not clear, but it didn’t matter right now. what mattered was that he needed you to listen to what he wanted to say, even if that was the last thing you accepted to hear from him.

« y/n, we need to talk » he told you once you got out of the classroom. you looked up at him ; his face was unusually austere. he carefully grabbed your shoulder and took you away from everyone else. 

« i can’t… i couldn’t walk out of there pretending like i didn’t see what your arms looked like » he started. « now listen, i know i fucked up, but i still care. and you still matter. whatever our relationship is doesn’t define you and most importantly, these don’t define you » he pointed at your wrists, his brows furrowed with concern. « so please, i’m begging you, keep in mind that i’m always here if you need to talk. always. and if you don’t want to talk to me that’s fine, but in that case, please find someone else. for the sake of everything we've been through together, don't let everything you’ve accomplished go to waste » and he wrapped his arms around you in the strongest hug he had ever given.

⇀ 𝐛𝐨𝐤𝐮𝐭𝐨

it had already been a week. and bokuto had absolutely no idea what to do. call you ? text you ? probably not. what would he even say ? « hi, sorry for slamming the door in your face after screaming at you for fifteen minutes. am i still your boyfriend ? » awful idea.

and while bokuto was pondering every option he had left to get in touch with you, you were left in the darkest place of your mind. and you hadn’t felt like that in a few months. because bokuto used to always be there, his number on speed dial whenever you feared you would relapse. and thanks to his unwavering support, you hadn’t. but was there anything in this world that was truly unwavering ? you really started to doubt it. and now that bokuto had left you, what could carry the pain away ? whatever the answer was, you were in no condition to think rationally about it.

you remembered how he used to celebrate every improvement in your mental health, how strong of a cornerstone he had been for you. and just the fact of not knowing where you guys were at after your fight was enough to make you feel like you were drowning again.

you were overflowing with emotions that you thought you couldn’t control, and apart from holding on tight to bokuto’s chest, you only knew one way to feel better.

you loved him, you really did. but after a week without hearing from him, you started to think that maybe his feelings were not as real as he pretended they were. and how could you not blame him for that ? for letting you down so fast ?

curled up in your bed, tears were streaming down your face ; because you felt weaker than you had promised yourself to be. you were exhausted, in every sense of the word, yet there was still a tiny bit of strength left in your body that made you grab your phone and open your conversation with bokuto. the last message was a bitter pill to swallow : « no problem babe, i’m always here for you ». it was just a week ago but it felt like an eternity had passed. your fingers started slowly typing on the screen and immediately hit sent, knowing that you would second guess your message if you re-read it. « can we talk? », just three words, it was the maximum you could get off of your chest right now.

but bokuto did not answer. for the simple reason that he was too busy catching his breath in front of your door. he frantically knocked, not stopping until you opened it.

« oh my god, are you okay ?! » he exclaimed, patting your entire body like he wanted to make sure you were well and truly there. and once he had made sure of that, he pulled you against his chest like he wasn’t planning on letting you go ever again. « did- did you… » he ventured to ask, not wanting to finish his sentence precisely because he was afraid of your answer. but when he heard you let out a muffled sob against his chest, his fears instantly got replaced by guilt. more than he had ever felt. « you’re alright, i got you. i got you now… » he murmured, his hands stroking your back tenderly. « we’ll get through this together, ok ? we’ll show the world how strong you are. because i know you are. »

⇀ 𝐬𝐚𝐤𝐮𝐬𝐚

yes, sakusa had run away. and he was glad he had. because he knew how hurtful he could be with his words, and he had enough respect not to inflict that to you. but as he made his way back home, doubt started installing in his head. what if he shouldn’t have left you after your fight ? he immediately shook the thought away. no, you were good now. you were better. nothing like who you were when he met you.

and sakusa could be very convincing when he needed to, including with himself. that’s why he didn’t get in touch with you for the next three days, because he thought you just needed some time for yourself.

but when he received a worried text from komori when he got out of the gym after practice, he changed his mind within seconds. « i just saw y/n, something felt off. maybe you should check on them ? ».

sakusa felt a wave of guilt descend upon of him. of course he should. it was his fucking job to offer you his help, even when he thought you didn’t need it. and especially when he knew what you had already been through. he cursed himself all the way to your house, where he could only imagine how lonely you felt. not wanting to waste any more time, he pulled out his phone to call you. and heaved a relieved sigh at the sound of your voice : « hey, are you ok ? like, right now are you doing ok ? » he asked hastily. 

you sat on your bed and rubbed your strained eyes, fiddling with the cloth of your t-shirt. « i- yeah, i’m good… » you lied. « i’m at your door, open up please, i gotta see you » he said before hanging up.

you knew sakusa was not going to take no for an answer. so, after wiping your tears and putting on a long-sleeved hoodie and sweatpants, you went to open the door. 

« hi… » you uttered quietly. sakusa didn’t dare to move. he had been so determined to get to your house, but now that you were standing in front of him, he wasn’t so sure of what he was supposed to do.

you decided to be the first to break the silence,  « i’m okay. and i’m sorr… » « sorry. about everything. » he pre-empted you. seeing you like this made him fear the worst. so he gently grabbed your wrists like he wanted to hold your hands, when in reality he just wanted to confirm his thoughts. and when he saw you stiffen at his touch, he knew he had guessed right. « come here » he whispered before going in for a hug. but you pulled away at the last second. « can we… go to my room ? i- i feel better there » you asked timidly.

he didn’t even answer and simply wrapped his arm around your shoulder before taking you to your bedroom where you immediately curled up on your bed. you didn’t want sakusa to see you like this, but you were in no position to fight back anymore. quietly, he laid beside you and pulled you in a warm embrace, just tight enough to let you know that he got you now. 

when he noticed you were trying to find something to say, to explain yourself, he shushed you with a kiss on your shoulder. « you don’t have to speak if you don’t want to. but i want you to listen to me very carefully : don’t ever think that you’re back to square one now. you’ve dealt with this before, you’ve grown and you can do it again as long as you promise yourself to get back up. and i won’t leave your side. you deserve so much more than what you give yourself, and i’m here to remind you »

⇀ 𝐭𝐬𝐮𝐤𝐢𝐬𝐡𝐢𝐦𝐚

tsukishima’s pride was important to him, everyone knew it. the only thing he valued as much as his pride was probably you. but during your arguments, the scale always tipped in his pride’s favor, you simply could not compete.

but surprisingly enough, it was you who had told him to go away after getting in the most heated argument you had ever had. and he didn’t have to be told twice : you had shattered his beloved pride, and he was not going to stay here begging for your mercy.

he still loved you, but he also had no problem ignoring you at school. yet for some reason, this argument didn’t sit well with him. well, no arguments ever sat well with him, but today felt different. 

ignoring you was one of the most hurtful things tsukishima could ever do to you. he had helped you through so much, and suddenly becoming a stranger to him was slowly bringing you back down.

« it’s just one time, i won’t relapse » you thought the first time you tried to cope with the pain the way you used to. but you feared it wouldn’t be just one time. you were diving into what you had said goodbye to ; but now that tsukishima was ignoring you, there was no one to stop you from falling, right ? 

well, that would have been true if he hadn’t kept a discreet but attentive eye on you. which is why he knew very well that you had gone back to your old habits. and he needed to do something about it.

but he wasn’t good with words, and he feared that actions would not be enough this time. he needed something more permanent, something that you could keep with you all the time. so he decided to do something he had never done before, and gave it to you as soon as it was done…

receiving a letter from tsukishima was definitely not something you expected. but what was written in it was even less expected.

« i’m not the best at this kind of stuff, but… i really need you to stop being so hard on yourself. i know it’s not something i usually say, but i fell in love with you because i learned to love your imperfections. and you have to start doing the same about yourself. please. and if you need to be held, to be listened to, i’ll be there. but i wanted to write something because i want you to be able to read this as much as you need, as much as you want. i want you to get better, but even more than that, i want you to want to get better. you can do it, i believe in you more than you can think. please come to me if you need it. i love you ».

the tears that streamed down your face had a salty taste, but for the first time in a long time, they tasted like hope as well. and the next time you came face to face with yourself and your thoughts, your eyes found find their way back to the letter, and you knew that there were people that still believed in you, counted on you, loved you. tsukki was just the first one of a long list. (<3)

⇀ 𝐚𝐭𝐬𝐮𝐦𝐮

he had been there through everything. more than you would have imagined. which is probably why you felt desperately empty ever since he got so angry at you that he left without looking back. but at the time, it simply had not crossed his mind that you would suffer so deeply from his words.

but you did. a lot. and that was the reason you found yourself crying on your bedroom floor, not even able to be mad at anyone but yourself.

still oblivious to the true damage, atsumu thought he could get back to you by pretending like nothing had happened. he often did that because, to him, what was in the past belonged in the past. except that today, and in your situation, it could not work.

« wanna grab something to eat ? » was the first text he sent you. and you didn’t feel like answering, so you didn’t. « are you still mad ? i’m not <3 » was the second one. but you still didn’t feel like answering. maybe it was your fault ? maybe you were overreacting while you were just supposed to play it cool like he did ? but you would have played it cool if you knew how to.

when atsumu decided to go to your house, it was initially to apologize in person. he had not planned on seeing you looking the way you did, which was a heart-wrenching reminder of the dark period of time you had gotten through together. but here he was, standing in front of you, feeling more helpless than ever. he knew too well the look into your eyes, one that he hadn’t seen in a long time. 

he dropped the pack of snacks he was holding in his hands before cupping your cheeks. « oh no, no, no. i fucked up, didn’t i ? i am… so so so sorry. c-can you forgive me ? » he stammered, absolute panic in his eyes as he took you in his arms. why would i have to forgive you ? you thought. i’m the only one to blame. 

but atsumu seemed to also hear the things you didn’t say, and he refused to let you feel guilty for anything. ever so gently, he took your hands in his before placing the softest kisses on your wrists that were still covered by the sleeves of your hoodie. « i probably won’t ever forgive myself for leaving you alone. but promise me you’ll always come to me if you need help, or any kind of support, hugs, kisses… you name it. i’ll be your coping mechanism, and i’ll be the best you’ve ever had »

and he kept holding you for a long time, at least until he felt your breath become steady again. and if you thought atsumu was doting before, prepare yourself to be even more amazed now.

⇀ 𝐨𝐬𝐚𝐦𝐮

fighting with osamu was not frequent, fortunately. but when fights occured, it was bad. really bad. he tended to think that you could endure as much as atsumu when it came to harsh words ; but you couldn’t.

kind of like his brother, samu had a tendency to leave the past behind and pretend like nothing happened when he got in touch with you after a fight. and that’s what he did a week ago, after one of the biggest arguments that you had ever had.

too happy that he seemed to still want to be your boyfriend, you didn’t have the courage to tell him how you had gone back to your old habits during the time you were on bad terms. but as they said, old habits died hard, and your destructive thoughts were still very present even when things seemed to have gotten back to normal.

yet samu was not blind, and he noticed that you were acting a bit more distant since last week, since your fight. but he still thought that your problems could be solved by just keeping on pretending like everything was ok. and eventually, things would turn out ok by themselves, right ?

you were laying on his bed, turned on your side as you scrolled on your phone. usually you would have had an arm swung around him, but you didn’t want to take any risk, so you kept your distances. 

« hey, come closer baby. we’ve barely cuddled today » he told you before lazily wrapping his arm around your waist.

feeling nervous, you swallowed the lump in your throat before putting your phone on the nightstand. « i’m going to sleep, samu », you said, stretching your arm to turn off the light.

but he was quicker than you and gently grabbed your arm, careful not to apply any pressure on it. his eyes widened, he had barely seen your wrist but it had been enough to notice that the scars were recent. he put two and two together and looked at you dead in the eyes ; you looked ashamed, and it broke his heart. « when did y- was it because of me ? » he asked, his voice faintly shaking. you pulled away from his hand and held your arm against you, sinking in the pillow. « no, of course not. it’s nothing » you breathed out, looking away to avoid his gaze. but he was quick to make you face him again, with a slight pressure of his fingertips on your red cheeks. « there’s only one thing that i hate more than seeing you in pain. it’s knowing that i caused this pain. let me help you, y/n. please. you deserve to feel better. i’m sorry i didn’t give you as much love as you gave me. and i’m sorry for behaving like an asshole when you needed me. just… fuck, i just love you ».

tears started prickling the corner of your eyes, but he saw you trying to hold them back. with the most gentle look in his eyes, he proposed to turn off the light if it made you feel better. and you nodded ; you knew that you’d eventually had to have a face-to-face conversation with him. it was the only way to get better. but right now you just wanted to be held without thinking about what he’d see. or wouldn’t see.

so he turned off the light and let yourself get comfortable in bed before wrapping you in his embrace once again. his soft breath against your neck was obviously not enough to make all your pain magically go away, but it let you know that he had your back. and it was all that mattered.

⇀ 𝐭𝐞𝐧𝐝𝐨𝐮

« i don’t want to do this anymore, y/n ! » tendou had yelled, making this sentence the peak of your argument. six words, and they were on replay in your minds since four days. you couldn’t believe that almost two years of relationship had ended so abruptly. but you had to face the truth : tendou had enough of you. and obviously you linked that to the turbulent start of your relationship. you knew it hadn’t been easy for him to deal with your self harm when you had just started dating. yet he had managed to make you feel so much better that you had been sober for about a year, all thanks to him. but maybe you hadn’t been grateful enough ? maybe that was why he had decided to end things now ?

the only thing you knew for sure was that he was gone, and you felt like you had lost your anchor.

you had spent the weekend in your dorm, and it had been a painful weekend. so painful that you did not get out of bed on monday morning ; it was just too much to handle. deep down you knew that you were not handling your problems the right way… and escaping reality was not viable.

but little did you know that tendou wanted nothing more than to see you again in the hallways and finally have a heart-to-heart conversation with you. and when he didn’t see you in class, he started to freak out. he knew how it was to feel alone and rejected ; and he started to fear that he had caused you to feel exactly that. so he did not follow his friends to the cafeteria at lunch and headed to your dorm instead, hoping that you’d open the door.

and you did. thank god you did. but panic started bubbling in his chest when his eyes laid on your face.

« alright, come here » he told you with a forced smile before pulling you in his embrace. truthfully, he didn’t feel like smiling, but he knew that the last thing you needed was to think you made him feel bad. when he was with you, his main goal was to cheer you up, he’d deal with himself later. « angel… did you do it again ? » he asked, his tone being the furthest thing from judgmental. you muttered a quiet apology, your face buried in his white uniform jacket. but something lingered on your mind. angel ? it sounded right, but you knew it wasn’t. not anymore. « don’t apologize ! the only person you owe an apology to is yourself » he whispered against your ear. slowly, he put his hands on your waist before bringing you to your bed where he sat right next to you, still refusing to take his hands off of your body.

 « tendou, you don’t have to do this… » you muttered, knowing that you weren’t supposed to be this close anymore. « i’m your ex, you don’t owe me anything ».

he immediately looked down to meet your eyes, an eyebrow raised in confusion. « your ex ? wh- you think i broke up with you ? y/n, when i said that i didn’t want to do this anymore, i was talking about fighting with you ! i’m sorry, i should have texted you these last few days, but i thought you wouldn’t want to talk to me »

a tear rolled down your cheek. tendou’s words sounded like heaven right now. maybe you weren’t alone after all ?

« now, do you need me to get you something ? band-aids ? anything ? » he asked, caressing your hair with his right hand. you nodded your head no and kept your head buried in his neck, like you were waiting for his scent to go to your head. « i know you’ve been through a lot, and i’m proud of you no matter what. but, you know… even though i have enough love for the both of us, i’d really want you to have enough love for yourself » he said and placed a kiss on top of your head, waiting for you to say something. but he sensed that you were not ready yet. and he was ok with that, the last thing he wanted to do was to pressure you. it was going to be a long path, but you had already done it, and you were going to do it again. and he’d be there the whole time.

ok so if you’ve read until there it probably means that you needed comfort (i hope i have given you enough) : so if you are in this situation yourself, PLEASE don’t be afraid to ask for help, you can and you will get better. i’m rooting for you like saeko roots for karasuno ❤️️

@toworuu (didn’t forget about you ^^)

[helliontherapscallion]

Hello! For the event, can I please get a Philza x male reader who has old scars from self harming? Like, the reader was like "Yea, I had problems with my self esteem". And Phil just comforting him? Thank you!

Food Fights and Comfort

Warnings: swearing, self harm scars, and self harm mentions (nothing graphic)

“You have no idea how hard getting that enchantment was,” Tommy groaned out through a mouthful of half-chewed food. Wilbur reached over to slap him upside the head, “don’t talk with your mouth full. No one wants to see that.”

“Fuck off Wilbur I can do what I want!” Tommy shoved more food into his mouth, chewed it up, and opened his mouth wide facing Wilbur. Your older brother wrinkled his nose in disgust before he shoveled some mashed potatoes onto his spoon and flung it at Tommy where it collided with his shirt. Tommy looked at the brunet with rage before he swallowed his food and scooped up some mashed potatoes and drew his spoon back. Philza’s hand on his arm and his warning glare made him freeze.

“Tommy, if you throw that I swear to god I’m gonna ground you for a month.”

“But- but he started it! I-”

“Let me finish. And Wilbur’s grounded from his guitar for two weeks.”

“C’mon! He-” Wilbur was cut off by Philza’s angry glare, “don’t make me extend it to a month, Wilbur.”

Technoblade leaned over to Tommy when Philza wasn’t looking and whispered in his ear, “if you do it, I’ll do your chores for two weeks.”

“Make it three and you have yourself a deal,” he hissed back at the pink haired teenager.

“...Fine, just do it.”

You silently watched as Tommy genuinely considered it before picking up his mashed potato-armed spoon and flinging the potatoes at the tall brunet next to you. They splattered on his yellow sweater making Wilbur look at him in offense before scooping his food once more and returning fire, his elbow knocking over your mug. The steaming contents of the mug splashed onto you and scalded your arms, soaking through your thick sweater.

A startled yelp left your mouth as you leapt up from your seat frantically trying to brush off the offending liquid unsuccessfully with your hands. The table fell silent as they watched you.

“Shit, I’m so sorry (y/n), I didn’t mean to-”

“It’s fine, Wil, accidents happen. If you all would excuse me, I’m just gonna go clean myself up.”

“Here, let me help you-” Wilbur pushed himself up from his chair only to sit back down when Philza put a hand on his shoulder.

“No, you stay here and clean up this mess. This is exactly why I didn’t want you two to have a food fight, someone always gets hurt.” He walked over to you with a small, reassuring smile, “c’mon.”

You grew increasingly nervous as he led you to the bathroom, your hands pulling your sleeves down repeatedly. He didn’t know about your scars, they were something you struggled with accepting even though it’s been almost a year since you’ve stopped. You were lucky, he had adopted you just at the beginning of fall when you could wear long sleeves as much as you wanted without getting weird looks.

After sitting you on the counter, he turned to rummage in the closet for the first aid kit. From your short time here, you could already tell that the family would go through first aid kits fast. It was a very accident-but-not-really-accident prone family.

He let out a triumphant laugh as he found the box and turned around to look at you, wiggling it in the air, “found it! Now, let’s patch you up, yeah?” When you made no move to push your sleeves up, he furrowed his brows and looked at you a bit closer. He could see the shame and anxiety on your face as clear as day, confusing him to no end. From your short time living with him, you were always an open book, telling him anything whenever he would ask.

“Kid, why’re your sleeves over your hands? I’ve got to see if you have any burns, so if you could push them up I can put some ointment on them.”

You hesitated, the last time you had shown someone your scars was when you were still at the orphanage. You had shown your best friend at the time, and they exploded at you. They told you that you were a freak, that you were an emo for self harming. They ended up spilling everything to the other orphans, and word spread fast at the orphanage; every day was the same there, so they craved new information like it was an addict’s drug.

That began the assault of ‘show us your wrists’ and ‘barcode scanner’ jokes being thrown your way. You became the outcast of the orphanage as fast as you became the loved one. You weren’t sure if the adults knew about it, but if they did, they turned a blind eye to the torment you were going through. It was a miracle that you managed to stay clean during that entire time, you were so close to relapsing. If it hadn’t been for Philza adopting you when he did, you would’ve fallen back into your old ways.

You knew Philza would never do that, as he was one of the kindest people you’ve ever had the pleasure of meeting. However, you had thought about your ex best friend and reflected on what they did to you. Philza had something they hadn't, however, he had your complete trust.

You prepared yourself for the looks of horror and potentially getting thrown back into the orphanage and hesitantly pushed your sleeves up to your elbows. When Philza saw this, he gave you a reassuring smile and quickly got to work on your slightly burnt forearms.

The entire time, he said nothing about the blatantly obvious scars that littered your wrists. This confused you since there was no way that he didn’t see them. Before you knew it, he tied off the bandages and put his hand on yours gently.

“Those should heal soon, you just gotta keep putting ointment on it and let it breathe for a while each day. If you want to, we can go downstairs and finish our dinner.”

You snapped yourself out of the daze you were in and cleared your dry throat awkwardly, “sure, that… that sounds good.”

“Great,” he gave you another smile before he went to leave the bathroom, “I’ll meet you downstairs, just come down when you’re ready.”

“Wait!” You hadn’t meant to say it so loud that it scared the blond, but the anxiety and paranoia that almost blocked your throat forced the word to be louder than intended. He jumped slightly and looked back at you with a soft, yet questioning gaze.

You pushed your sleeves down and fiddled with the ends of them, “you’re not going to say anything?”

“I’d never force anybody to do anything they’re uncomfortable with, it’s just not the right thing to do. It’s always better to let people open up to you whenever they’re ready to,” he said, walking over to you again and standing in front of you. “The same goes to you, I’m always going to be here to listen whenever you’re ready to talk about it.”

You shrunk in on yourself slightly and nodded, contemplating on whether you should tell him about what pushed you to that point, how you were treated when you had opened up about it for the first time. Eventually, you swallowed past the lump that had formed in your throat, “I’ll take you up on that offer.”

And so you told him everything about your previously declining mental health and how the others treated you during your stay at the orphanage. Though he concealed it well, you could still see his anger when you told him about the jokes made at your expense. He never interrupted you to ask questions, he never gave you any sign of malice, he patiently waited for you to continue whenever you paused, and he always showed you that he was actively listening to you whenever you looked at him.

A part of you expected him to kick you out of his house and take you back to the orphanage, but he offered you nothing but his full support. Talking about it, though it was hard, was far easier to do compared to your previous experience. He was an easy person to talk to, radiating a welcoming and judgemental free aura.

“You’re not going to judge me?” You questioned him when you were done, anxiety gripping at your chest. He put a hand on your shoulder and shook his head, “no, you couldn’t help it; it’s heartless to judge someone based on their struggles… You’re a strong person, (y/n). It takes a lot to get yourself out of that cycle and I’m so proud of you for how much you’ve grown and persevered through what life’s thrown at you.”

“I- thanks Dad,” you wrapped your arms around him and squeezed him lightly. Without a second of hesitation, he quickly reciprocated the hug. He tucked your head underneath his chin and rubbed your back in small circles, “any time, I’m always going to be here for you. I love you so much, son.”