knwbetter

[knwbetter]

day 7 of not talking to him: it's actually been a week, that's insane? i'm faring much better compared to the other days but guess what? i dreamt of him last night and he actually got me back to me in my dream and we were talking again and i felt giddy. only to find out that i was dreaming again. just when it starts to get better it's like i relapse again subconsciously. my dreams always betray me and it hurts like a mf. mom keeps asking me if i'm happy lately and i can't even say yes with my entire being bc some bastard broke my heart and trust. where did he get the guts to do that to me? was i really that easy and worth hurting?

i was rereading our chats again and there were definitely moments where he didn't reciprocate some of the things i said to him. i think he has an issue with being affectionate now that i'm looking at it and trying to analyze our conversations. he wasn't as sweet as i thought. like he can be but definitely not cutesy and affectionate. i think i was too blinded again by him. i wonder he thought of me the entire time i was falling for his trap? he literally lured me into his web. i feel like a fool, extremely stupid and helpless. my ego can't fucking take it. at the same time, i can't believe he took advantage of me by making an effort for me just to leave me hanging in the end. like what happened to the old you? he used to put in so much effort in talking to me, almost like he didn't sleep and now he can't even be bothered to talk to me. why the sudden change? what's more sus is that the change kind of began after i sent my picture. and after he said that he'd be star struck and that he already likes me for who i am. that i shouldn't stress too much about my appearance bc i'm already perfect. i guess his expectations were too high bc pulled away after that. or either was just playing with me from the beginning.

i was actually worried that he might have been doing this to other girls too but he said i was the first one. why do i feel like this isn't tho? now that i think about it it seems a bit too calculated but what do i know. after scouring his accounts i definitely became suspicious of him. he really broke my trust. i remember telling him too that i'd rather know him through him. i also remember him saying that he doesn't have anyone sus that he follows on tiktok but of course i didn't care about any of that bc i didn't bother to check his followings in the first place, scared in the back of mind that i see something i don't like. next time i should really do some research tho, i need to know everything as much as possible. i'm going to be spending the rest of my life potentially to this person after all.

i still keep thinking of him and i do miss him but there are definitely times where i gag and cringe thinking of how i behaved towards him. and how he was flirting with me but probably didn't mean it at all. how wrapped was i in his finger? how does he feel knowing i fell for his trap completely just to throw me to the side? did i get boring for him all of a sudden? it's crazy bc i showed my annoying and bad side to him yet he kept talking to me. was that the side that he liked? that's weird if so. also he was definitely the one to initiate first. i never ever initiated anything more than friendship. fucking weirdo. just to leave me in the end. how can he say things he doesn't mean? doesn't he know how fucked up that is? he really needs to fix his issues! it runs deeper than i thought. how could he say all that shit to me just to abandon me? did he not have any feelings in the first place? it's honestly so fucked up to me. i don't understand him. but that makes sense bc i don't know him at all. now i get why he doesn't have any friends, it all makes sense now. that's always not a good sign tbh. but i guess the good hearted person in me wanted to be there for him. i have a penchant for helping people like that. reminds me again of the line "you're not his therapist" like damn once i heard that it really clicked for me. i'm also not watching as much reels as before but it's probably bc i've been busy.

the effort i spent into looking and securing a job for the past week was insane, i did it all for him ngl. he lowkey gave me the strength bc i really wanted to see him in person somehow and now we're over. this might have been the push i needed but why did it have to be so messed up? i would've been good with something less painful. i randomly remember him asking me how i was doing and i said i'm okay. he replied "just okay?" and i still agreed. he then said "okay is better than bad so i'll accept it." bitch, as if i need your acceptance to be happy. i just pulled up our chats again and it was one of those times where he was being pushy about my pictures. he said as long it's me he'll be happy and that i have no clue. was that a tactic? pressuring me into showing him how i look like but with sweet and kind words. it's actually insane. how did i fall for that? i'll never cross my comfort again for a guy. i'll always follow my own pace, if he doesn't like it then he doesn't respect me and i have no need for someone like that. gotta have strong boundaries and communication the next time. also take it slow, fast is no good. that shit will die quickly. reminders to future self please!

lowkey i'm still waiting for him to text me back even if i see him differently now. will he even come back for me? he doesn't seem even the least bit interested anymore. when previously he used to bombard me with texts. can't believe i was stupid enough to trust him. i let down my walls for him and this is what i get. he basically confirmed what i was fearing. do i really want a guy like that? i told him my insecurities and other things i don't normally share. he was patient with my issues but maybe curiosity got the best of him instead of actually wanting to soothe me. i recall him offering to make me feel better whenever my anxiety kicks in. oh he has no idea how bad my anxiety is. i told you this for a reason for it isn't a light matter. i think he was caught off guard ngl. he can be sweet i'll tell you that, but he definitely has some self centered moments. sending me a revealing picture after i opened up about my anxiety? FUCKED UP. the emotional intelligence is nowhere to be seen. how he could think that would make me feel better is beyond me. once again highlighting why he has no friends + no meaningful relationships. i have a habit of psychoanalyzing people so he probably became like this bc of being bullied and moving when he was younger. i'm not sure if his relationship with his father was good either. definitely did not with his own twin which makes sense why he might be emotionally repressed or is unable to process his emotions properly. he might not have been used to receiving unconditional love and affection from his dad and twin. i have no idea about his mom, they seem close but no idea what their relationship was like growing up. these things are very important to know if you're into someone. their relationships with their family and their dynamic with each other can say a lot about a person. like things may be better now but the past can definitely mark and mold them to be the person they are today. i do remember asking him several times about his family but he didn't share the extent of their closeness with each other. i think he's mostly by himself. honestly i get why now, he's a bit weird. still absolutely immature, a lot of growing up to do mentally and emotionally. he still has some childlike qualities in him. i don't want to be with someone who behaves weird on the internet. that's a turn off and screams immaturity. idc if it's just for fun, it's not cool and mature. think really carefully before you speak and act is the advice i would give him.

[knwbetter]

day 6 of no speaking to each other: i still missed him very much today. frequently thought about him throughout the day but there were times too where i hated on him in my mind. basically i did think of him and miss him but i hated him at the same time. still had no idea that he was capable of making me like him but leave in the end. he had me so wrapped around his finger that i believed he wouldn't leave me and this thing we had might go somewhere but i was too naive. i remember him asking if i might be willing to move away from here and he was glad that i would be. he even asked me what i wanted to be in life and since he knew i took psychology in school, he said i could move to where he was and be a therapist there. of course i took what he said lightly bc i know this isn't some serious talk but i did start to think about it if it really did come to a point that we became serious. i shouldn't have fell for it tho bc in the end i barely knew the guy. idk how he's like irl, i just know the dude through the screen. in reality, he might be a totally different guy in person. if he is tho, i have to say he's pretty consistent in his online persona and his stories do track back with each other. i'm paranoid and hyperaware of things like those. i can sniff out liars but ultimately a liar is different from a manipulator. those i can't sniff out, heck i fell for it.

i keep trying to convince myself that i shouldn't be so caught up on someone who doesn't even want me. it's such a massive disrespect to myself honestly. i shouldn't have to beg for someone's love and i most certainly can't force someone to like me, that's the last thing i want to do. i'm not gonna sit here and beg him to take me back. that would boost his ego like crazy, knowing he has someone that goes this crazy for him. and i wouldn't want to be the one to stroke his ego like that. he doesn't deserve it and if that is the case then he thinks too highly of himself and has a lot of growing up to do. it's certainly giving little boy behavior, i wonder if he'll ever have the sense to man up.

i felt such deep sadness when i thought of him today from time to time. still in disbelief that he did everything to make me like him but deceived me in the end, acting like i was nothing to him when he told me that i'm not nobody to him and that i'm something to him. well i'm something alright, but nothing more. even as i listen to rap, it reminds me of him bc he said old rap is his favorite. stupid me had to listen to his playlist before which full of rap and it was pretty good too. i miss feeling that good but then again i guess i didn't really know him. that shit hurts my ego too bc i take pride on being good at characterizing people. this experience humbled me bc i completely misjudged him. every little thing has to remind me of him, like when the other day i was looking at jack daniels bottles and found out where it came from. like really, universe? every thing i do has to be connected to him. i guess it shouldn't surprise me bc we did have a lot in common. otherwise i wouldn't have bothered to continue talking to him.

i finally got to drink today and i took it neat. i feel tipsy actually. i think i'll sleep well tonight. i do like the feeling of drinking tho, makes me forget him for sure. i love the fuzzy feeling of it in my head too, like i don't have room to think about anything. we would've been so cute together but he had to ruin it. i'm actually starting my new job soon and i gained crazy courage to even force myself to find a job bc i had this thought in my head that i want to meet up with him this year. whether it might be in japan or here. he definitely inspired me to start putting more effort into looking for a job and now that i got one, we're over. he might've been the push i needed to get a job but i wish there was a less cruel way to it. this experience kind of taught me to be tough and i definitely feel changed. i'll never let anyone mess with me. i know my standards and boundaries now. communication has become more important than ever before. if someone ain't serious with me then i don't want it, next. i'm not here to play and i'm not here for the mind games. how dare you do this to me, fuck you.

[knwbetter]

day 5 since we last talked: i've definitely been thinking of him today. there were moments where he entered my mind and face would grimace in pain. i missed him still a lot today. i miss talking to him, i miss his presence, i miss our banters and subtle flirting that we had every day. i miss when he so clearly wanted to talk to me every day... he would bombard me with messages, i don't have that anymore and i miss him so much. i want him back so bad even if that's probably not the best idea. i really thought we had a connection especially when he first mentioned that he had the same situation as me growing up. he seemed really intrigued by me from the start. he would make the effort to talk to me every day and i did the same as time went by bc i felt like we had a connection going on. he seemed genuinely interested in what i was into that he ended up watching the films i love and the games i love. how could he spend all the time for me when in reality he wasn't into me? i'll never be able to wrap my head around it. i'd never waste all that time on someone i didn't like, it's just crazy behavior. was he just bored and found me easy? it's hard to believe in anything he's said to me now, i don't think i trust him. but at the same time, i still want to talk to him. i feel like i'm expecting him to text me again out of the blue. it doesn't seem likely tho. i still can't believe he played with my feelings. i don't think i've done anything to deserve it tbh. what was his intentions when he talked to me? i've always wondered about that ever since the beginning. it felt like he had some kind of intention with the way he was talking to me which was probably why i felt so guarded. he was overly familiar and trusting too in the beginning which made me feel so uncomfortable bc i didn't know who tf this person was. slowly but surely tho he made me open up to him. i did notice tho that when i shared small tidbits of myself that he didn't ask for, he didn't acknowledge them. that hurt my feelings tbh bc i rarely share something like that and knowing that he simply ignored it definitely hurt me. after that i told myself i wouldn't share much of myself unless he asked. he did ask a lot about me but that was it, only interested in what he wanted to know about me. i must say, he was interested in a lot but in the end i didn't know what he wanted from me.

around two weeks of talking he told me i was a joy to talk to. even said he's become pretty comfortable with me. and a bunch of other flirting with me but idk any of that was real which hurts. now he can't even be bothered to talk to me, when old him would text me about anything. did i do something wrong? was i too ugly for him? after reassuring me countless times too that i was perfect and that he already likes me for who i am. i didn't believe him of course bc how could you say that without seeing someone's physical appearance? well as you would have it, he started acting off after i showed him my picture. he even said that he'd obviously like to see me in person first before entering a relationship but could say yes for now, even if he already saw what i looked like. and prior to saying this, he said that i was definitely his. so what is what honestly? he made me more confused and i was super hurt ngl. i might've been stupid to bring that up but i wanted to know what his intentions were and if he was serious about me, otherwise i didn't want any of this fake shit. we'd just be wasting time, feelings, and effort for each other. yes it was fun but i don't want it if it isn't going to go anywhere.

i yelped a few times whenever i thought about him today. i couldn't believe i was that open and vulnerable with him. i also cringed at myself for my behavior with him, i didn't know i could be like that with someone. i had the hugest urge to pull up our chat and text him. how would that make me look tho? desperate and needy, when he probably doesn't even want me like that. it hurts! we were cute but he had to ruin it. i really thought he had a pure heart from how he presented himself to me. he was so sweet and patient with me and i thought it was too good to be true. and it really was. it's like i just imagined the whole thing. like none of it was real or that it happened. now i'm super curious what he wanted from me. i guess he wasn't the person he pained himself to be. god, i really fell for that act? oh he's good, lemme tell you. i really felt that he was genuine and usually i'm pretty wary around people and go super analysis mode on them. i guess i misjudged him hard, i was probably blinded by how much i liked him. which is so funny to think about bc i was annoyed at him in the beginning and felt that he was cringe. anyway yea, i still missed him a lot today even if i shouldn't be. i need to think of the way he treated me last and think if i really want to be with someone like that. he should've at least communicated that he didn't like me that way. i remember we agreed on communicating and talking it out is the best and i told him i was glad we were on the same page. i guess i was worried about it for a reason. turns out he's not the best at communicating. he's not the person i thought he was. i honestly thought he was mature enough to talk about these things like proper adults but nope. he still has a lot of growing up to do. i felt sad a lot today whenever i thought of him. plus why does every damn thing have to remind me of him? from tv series to music like give me a fucking break.

[knwbetter]

day 4 since i stopped talking to him: i've been having thoughts of replying back to him. should i? i don't want to seem desperate and needy. does he even still want to talk to me? he hasn't messaged me for 4 days now, why would he even want to hear from me? this just proves how much he didn't really want me in the first place? i should know these things by now but i'm still so hurt over it. i still can't wrap my head around it, that he could just betray and forget me like that. like nothing ever happened between us. was he really just toying with me? but why? so i can stroke his ego? i'll never know what he wanted from me but i can't believe someone would be willing to waste all that time just to serve their ego. maybe he is a narcissist after all. nonetheless, i hate how i've been dying to talk to him today. i have to say that i miss him so much even if he did me so dirty. what does that say about me? i'm just a girl with feelings and he made me feel so special and that he truly wanted me but now i know it was all a lie. despite knowing all that i still want him, right now at least. i wish we could talk like we used to and get that feeling of happiness again. i feel so fucking depressed rn and i just want to k*ll myself. mom's not making things any better by not supporting me but i really gotta move or else nothing's going to happen to me. i hate how my life is going rn. i just want to disappear tbh. i digress, but i've been thinking of him a lot today and i keep wanting to talk to him. but it looks like he has nothing to say to me. if he truly wanted me, he wouldn't be doing this to me. i felt him pulling away, i'm not dumb. girls know these things. you can't fool us! every time i think of him, i feel like bawling my eyes but i also can't at the same time. eyes feel heavy with exhaustion and sadness. all i know for sure is that i miss him. it feels very lonely each day without him. and i remember him saying he's made his peace with being lonely, i wonder if he really meant that. he continued with "but having somebody doesn't sound so bad". was he only spouting lies to me? did i really deserve that? i haven't harmed anybody that would warrant me to deserve this kind of harsh treatment. i only ever supported him and was there for him every moment i could. so this is how he repays my affections for him? by pulling away and ignoring me like i never entered his life. how could he forget me so easily? am i really that despicable? uncapable of being liked? did my appearance seriously turn him off that much? bc i noticed he started acting off after i sent my pictures, which he so desperately requested even if he said he respected my decision not to and that i shouldn't be burdened by it. was playing innocent his tactic so that i would feel guilty and give in? well now he got what he wanted and i guess the outcome didn't meet his standards. that should make me hate him but i can't help but miss him even if it's the last thing i should do. i need to forget him even if i miss talking to him. i've become so used to his presence in my life that it feels like i've lost someone. how could he spend that amount of time talking to me and making me feel special just to throw me away like that? i can't fathom it at all, it's too much. i wish he would just come back to me and maybe i'll forgive him and we'll go back to like how it was. i deserve better but i undeniably miss him.

[knwbetter]

day 3 since i ended my situationship: i felt much better today compared to other days, although i have to admit he still enters my mind very frequently. first thing i did today was checked my phone obviously, to see if he texted but there was absolutely nothing from him. i kind of expected it but i was still disappointed at the same time. idk why i still expect him to text out of nowhere when it's clear as day that he doesn't give a damn about me. i don't think he ever did actually? if so, his manipulation game goes crazy. like why waste all that time talking to me? spending and investing time on me? just to throw me away the minute he got what he wanted from me. all the sweet things and compliments he said were nothing but bullshit. i know never to fall for that kind of trap again the next time. no more shallow and surface level words. i need full on meaningful sentences and conversations, i won't accept anything less. and actually demonstrate what you're saying. i'm not a fool to go through this the second time. my pride still hurts for being treated this way, the way i feel so stupid pains me the most. i still keep on checking discord and steam to see if he's there and he is but since there's nothing but silence from him, i clearly don't mean much to him at all. everything he told me was just a lie, he never really liked me. if he actually wanted me, he wouldn't be treating me this way but he is. so, i gotta accept the reality and move on. i still cannot fathom how he spent all that time on me and even bought me a game just to brush me aside and go on like i never existed. idk how a person can be capable of something so heartless. is there something wrong with him? did i misjudge him? i usually trust my judgment when it comes to people. he did seem genuine and nice but there were definitely parts of him that got me all yikes. there was a point where i thought to myself "what if he's a s*rial k*ller?" with some of the things he told me. it could just be me psychoanalyzing him with my psychology background. now that it's over, this whole situation makes me want to pursue graduate school and do a study on this kind of behavior. could he have been a narcissist? possibly. i think he might have been using me to stroke his ego which is extremely disgusting. the way he pursued me from the start and showed interest from the get go was very unusual, i have to say. and he was very trusting of me too which made me uncomfortable since i didn't know who the tf he was. funny how the tables have turned, now he's acting like i never existed. i have to keep reminding myself that he never really wanted me and do i really want a guy like that? good luck stroking that stupid ego of yours! a real and secure man would never. i thought you were the one but it was all just in my head. i must have been praying to the devil. i wasn't able to drink today bc of stomach issues but hopefully i'll be able to tomorrow. i miss that alcoholic taste on my tongue and the way it makes me feel. also, pestering me for my pictures and acting like it was no big deal how i look when the minute i sent you my pictures you started acting off? mhmm yea, keep lying through your ugly teeth. and just so you know, you don't deserve a baddie and never will. no one's going to ego boost you like i did. now i totally understand why you're alone without friends, it's bc you're a fucking creep. get your head checked! you need it. despite this, i still think about how i would've loved to have so much fun with you outdoors in the american wilderness. it was all just a fantasy tho, i deserve better than you. all those sweet words for nothing. for a little ego stroking. you should be disgusted with yourself. i feel violated for being used by you. joke's on you, i probably played you instead for my future study. you were just an experiment to me. (this is how i brainwash myself so it hurts less) i hope you never fill that void in your heart. you don't deserve it for playing with me like this, like i'm some toy you can discard. real men don't play with the feelings of women.

[knwbetter]

day 2 of ending my situationship: i've been drinking for 3 nights straight now. yesterday i dreamt that he sent me so much messages but when i woke up there was absolutely nothing. why did my dreams have to betray me like that? it's annoying bc i know dreams mean nothing. if he truly wanted me, he'd be checking on me to see what's up. but nope, zero communication from him which means he didn't really want me that much in the first place. it still hurts but probably not as much as when i felt him pulling away. at the moment, more than anything i feel like a fool for getting played like that. i don't even want him anymore, it's more of my ego and pride is bruised knowing that my feelings were used. i vow to myself that i'll never get taken advantaged of like that ever again. it's the worst disrespect i can do to myself. i know i'll never settle less and stoop down low for a guy like that again. you'll have to earn me like crazy, this mountain is high. i have to remind myself to always trust my instinct and never ignore red flags again. get to know someone deeply and take your time! these things shouldn't be rushed, you're catching up with their entire life so taking the time to get to know them is obviously the natural thing to do. reminder to self: a whirlwind liking and attachment + unnatural building of trust is not genuine. that shit will crumble so fast. i'm just over here convincing myself that he was a weirdo and creep. i don't think i could ever trust him again. this made me realize that i don't really know him at all and i can't believe i let myself be a fool like that. i was blinded by what we could've been, overlooking the things that i didn't like about him. i feel violated, like he used me to stroke his ego and my pride absolutely cannot handle it. he needs to fix himself honestly, no sane woman would ever go for someone like that. i still can't believe i wasted all this time (and my fucking feelings) over him. why did he have to use me when he wasn't serious about me in the first place? i swear i'll never subject myself to this kind of heartless act ever again.