#this all started from an idea i had about Mario feeling super insecure after the whole doopliss incident

[legobiwan]

Mario and Luigi "no one is going to hurt you"?

This one...ballooned. I tried to get it out last night, but fell asleep during the endeavor. This is an attempt to explain/rationalize/make sense of some of the behaviors we see during TTYD, especially as it concerns Mario and Luigi. I'll say right now, neither brother is his best at this point, and I have a bit of a hypothesis as to where each of them may have been, emotionally, during this game. I think TTYD is a turning point for Mario, while Luigi's emotional lynchpin comes, to no surprise, after the events of SPM. Anyway, I'm not going to try and edit this any more than the perfunctory attempt I made. Here you go. A Mario-centric drabble that is most definitely not a drabble.

~~~~~~~~~

My dear Mario,

I have finally learned what the legendary treasure is. It is the spirit of a demon! The X-Nauts plan to revive this thousand-year-old monster and use its power to take over the world! They’re collecting the Crystal Stars so they can open the Thousand-Year-Door..they’ll find this demon’s spirit..but the only thing that can keep it locked away is the Crystal Stars themselves! You must not let them get the Crystal Stars! Please, Mario...you must put a stop to their horrible plans!

-Princess Peach-

Mario rubbed at his eyes, scraping away a week’s work of fatigue. 

Shit.

When Peach had first told him the X-Nauts (and what a stupid name that was) were planning on taking over the world, he had laughed it off. Ever since he had landed in the Mushroom Kingdom, every fifth jabroni from the castle to the Darklands had been some kind of aspiring universal tyrant, babbling on and on about taking over realms, how their new regime would be the mightiest, how they should fear me or fear my army or fear my power, all accompanied by cackling laughter suitable for Saturday morning cartoon. The threats were white noise to him now, another meaningless boast in the endless series of hopped-up, dent-headed, peas-for-brains bad guys who popped out of the brickwork like potholes on the Cross Bronx.

It wasn’t that he hadn’t been taking this whole adventure seriously before this. After all, the last time he got sent on a quest to find stars, he ended up facing off against an army of sentient weaponry bent on…well, yeah. World domination.. But those guys had actually meant business, less wanting to rule the world than reforge it, in the most literal sense, in their image. Hell, Geno wouldn’t have been sent down all the way down from Star Heaven or whatever it had been unless Smithy and his crew were the real thing.

But now Peach was kidnapped and demons were involved. And they needed the Crystal Stars to trap the demon, but those same stars would also release the demon in the first place. Mario pulled his cap close to his eyes, sagging against the public notice board in Rogueport Square, the rotten wood protesting under his added weight. Across the plaza, the gallows swayed in tandem with an oncoming breeze, the smell of spoiled fish and brine wafting over and mixing with the lingering odor of cheap booze and sweat that was the hallmark of Rogueport’s business center. 

Delightful.

Vivian had remarked, once they resurfaced from that whole mess in Twilight Town, that the port city had a certain grimy charm to it. Mario huffed, kicking away a crumpled can of Banditbar Ale. Yeah, this place had charm, all right. All the charm of a Staten Island landfill. 

“Why yes, Vivian, I spent close to twenty years as the premiere actress with the Mushroom Repertory Theater, although back when we first started, it was known only as “The Toad Troupe.” Flurrie laughed in her distinctive trill, her voice resonating from what Mario placed as the archway leading to the west side of Rogueport. “A silly name, but our founder was devoid of that creative spark that captures the imagination and whisks the audience away on a journey with you. Of course, he was a rather talented fundraiser.”

Mario grunted, sliding around to the backside of the noticeboard, which was covered in layers of colorful graffiti and three decades worth of dirt. One bright, recent message spelled out a rather graphic enthusiasm for certain body parts, ones Mario wasn’t even certain Goombas had. Not that he was about to ask. Half the population here would shank him for even thinking of the question. Goombella would drop a book on his head.

He slumped at the thought of the petite, boisterous grad student. Goombella, Flurrie, Koops - even Yoshnar. Not one of them had questioned it, had shown any suspicion that the Mario they were celebrating with, were feasting with in Twilight Town was not, in fact, their supposed friend. Sure, they commented here and there that Mario was acting a little strange, was a bit more bombastic than normal, but no one stood up and announced, that’s not our guy!

Granted, he had only known these people for a week. Not nearly enough time to get the measure of a person in the real world, but that had never hindered his traveling companions before. Geno and Mallow seemed to think the world of him.

Mario curled his fist. He should have interrogated Doopliss when he had the chance, should have pulled the truth right out from under his smug-faced bedsheets. Was it a mimicry of only the body, or did Doopliss’s magic also copy the whole of a man, as well?

And why did his friends believe that egotistical, grandstanding fraud had been him?

“Where is Mario?” Flurrie asked, her voice closer now than it had been a minute ago. She had a habit of elongating her vowels to the point of absurdity, so Mario became Mahrio, emphasis on the ah. He had given up trying to correct her after the first hour of their acquaintance. Some things weren’t worth the fight.

Mario snuck a careful look around the edge of the noticeboard, biting his lip as a mess of dirty splinters poked through his skin. His traveling companions were gathered near the entrance to the Toad Bros Bazaar, Koops worrying at his hands as he fretted about Mario being kidnapped, or worse, continuing to Keelhaul Key without them. 

“Don’t worry, Koops,” Vivian soothed. “I’m sure he’s just gathering information or reading an electronic message from Peach.”

Goombella looked up from her notebook with a small frown. “I hope it’s not important intel. I need to write that data down so I can report back to Professor Frankly.”

“I can’t go back to Petalburg without…” The voices faded out of earshot, the door to the shop closing with a brash jingle. 

Mario unclenched his teeth, letting out an unsteady breath. He’d have to come back with them at some point. Maybe Doopliss saw something in him he hadn’t wanted to acknowledge, but Mario knew he’d be in way over his head if tried to take on the X-Nauts and this demon alone. Do like you always do, Mario. Suck it up, put on a smile, and say as little as possible. It had gotten him this far, whatever that counted for. Now, as for this Flavio -

“Hey, bro!” 

A hand clapped itself on his shoulder. Enemy, his mind blared, Mario grabbing at the interloper’s wrist, spinning the man around until he slammed into the announcement board with a pained “Oof!” Not one to let an advantage go to waste, Mario lunged forward, pushing his forearm into the man’s chest, close enough to his attacker’s trachea to leave no question as to the unspoken threat.

“Mario, what the hell?” A familiar voice squeaked. 

Anxiety spiked in Mario’s gut. Luigi? What in the world was his brother doing in -

Mario closed his eyes, letting out a soft hiss between his teeth as the realization hit. Damnit. The Waffle Kingdom. Princess Cannoli or whatever her name was. Mario released his hold on his brother, pinching the bridge of his nose as he took a step back. I don’t have time for this. Luigi shouldn’t have been in Rogueport at all, somehow making his way to the crime-infested city in the days after Mario had received the letter from Peach asking him to come investigate a treasure map.  

And look where that got her. Kidnapped by aliens with crappy names. He knew Luigi could handle himself, or at least, he could in Brooklyn. Coming to the Mushroom Kingdom had done a number on his brother’s confidence, however, and whatever predilection for gangly awkwardness Luigi had had before had grown since they vanished from New York. 

He didn’t have time to protect his brother and save Peach and save the world from a demon. 

“Bro?” Luigi reached a tentative hand towards Mario’s shoulder. 

It didn’t add up, this whole Waffle Kingdom business. Not that he didn’t believe in Luigi, but nothing over the past year had convinced him his brother was ready to set out on his own, the whole incident with the Boos aside. Now he was on a quest which, on the surface, sounded far too close to Mario’s own exploits in trying to gather the seven crystal stars. He knew his brother could be insecure, but this was really…

Mario’s eyes went wide as he slapped away his brother’s hand, planting his feet into a defensive stance, fists raised. 

It was Doopliss. It had to be. Had the identity-pilfering ghost been following him from the beginning? Or were those Shadow Sirens working for him, feeding him enough tidbits about Luigi to make a convincing copy? That would account for his brother’s strange tales, the majority he didn’t have the stamina to focus through, there being too much on his mind with all the plans and kidnappings and cursed chests.

“I beat you before, you son of a bitch, and I’ll do it again,” Mario growled, pushing his sleeves up his arms. “Give him back.” He needed to get this over with now, get his brother in his own body as soon as possible so Mario could track down the last stars. Damnit, why did Luigi have to wander off like this?

“Woah!” Luigi held both his palms up at shoulder height, scrambling backwards, knocking over a trio of half-filled bottles with a bright clang as he came up against the graffiti-covered noticeboard. A pungent yellow stream seeped from one of the fallen bottles, trickling into the eroded mortar between uneven cobblestones. 

“No one’s going to hurt you, Mario. There’s - “ Luigi grabbed a tuft of hair peeking out from under his cap. “There’s no one here but me. Well, me and Torque. And the rest of Rogueport.” Luigi gave an awkward laugh. “And, you know, Torque’s not here here, he’s inside the bar. But you get what I mean.” He gave his brother an uncertain smile, holding two thumbs-up in front of his chest. 

“Where have you been? What were you doing before this?” Mario demanded, voice rising.

The miserable droop in his brother’s shoulders was unmistakable. “I…told you already? The volcano, the sacrifice? Blooey and Jerry and the bridal dress? I mean, I know it’s not as important as what you’re doing…” Luigi trailed off, finding sudden interest in the variety of grisly stains tattooed on the ground, tracing a disturbingly crimson outline with his foot.

Mario grit his teeth. That was something Luigi would say, right down to the shaky little inflections. Was his brother always this insecure? Had he been ignoring something deeper going on with Luigi for the past year? Something unpleasant curdled in Mario’s gut. He hadn’t wanted to face the fact that Doopliss mirrored his identity, warts and all. Was this the Luigi his brother saw in his reflection every day? Did Luigi even know how sad this looked?

Maybe it was Doopliss. Then again, from what little he remembered from his brother’s stories about his supposed Waffle Kingdom exploits, his own traveling companions were less than impressed with Luigi’s tactics, which seemed to be the literal definition of stumbling into good luck. 

As much as he hated to think it, Doopliss probably had better things to do than wreak havoc on a quest that may or may not have its basis in reality. It was true Luigi had made an astonishing number of enemies in a short period, but Princess Eclair seemed like something straight out of one of those adventure books they had liked so much as kids. He wasn’t thrilled at the idea of his brother hanging around Rogueport, but as long as all this Waffle Kingdom stuff was harmless - well, it would at least keep Luigi out of the underlevels and far, far away from the Thousand Year Door and whatever evil lay behind it.

The communication square in his back pocket vibrated. It was probably Goombella demanding to know where the hell he was. Mario brought his arms to his side, stretching out his fingers. He needed to focus. Whatever happened with Doopliss was in the past and he could waste away his time navel-gazing once this entire ordeal was over. 

Letting out a shuddering breath, Mario stepped forward, placing a firm hand on Luigi’s shoulder. “I’m sorry, Luigi. It’s - “ Mario pursed his lips, weighing his words. “A lot has happened in the last few days.”

Luigi let out a watery chuckle, running his sleeve under his nose. “Don’t worry about it,” he shrugged, gaze still fixed to the ground. 

Great, like your brother needed another kick to the ego. Way to go, asshole. Mario dug his fingers into Luigi’s shoulder. Maybe Doopliss’s replication of him hadn’t been that far off the mark, after all. 

“Hey, Lou,” he gave his brother a gentle shake. “Why don’t you introduce me to your new friend? Squort or Morque, was it?”

“Torque,” his brother mumbled.

“Torque! Great! Let’s go meet him!” Mario said too brightly, taking his brother by the arm, all but dragging him towards Podley’s bar. 

“Come on, Mario, you don’t have to - “ Luigi huffed, trying to pull himself out of his brother’s octopus-like grip. “I know you don’t want to - “

Mario shoved the door to the bar open, wrangling Luigi inside, depositing his brother next to a Spike Top with a wrench on his head. The little creature made a series of rapid clicks with its mouth, somehow conveying annoyance without uttering a single intelligible word or facial expression. The Spike Top glowered at his brother, if the dead, beady-eyed stare could be called that, before turning around with an exaggerated shuffle.

Six to one, that’s Torque, Mario mused, feeling a momentary pang of sympathy for his brother. Oh Luigi, we have to talk about this one of these days. But that was for later. After the crystal stars, after Peach was safe, after the world was saved. Right now, he needed a minute to collect himself, to form a plan to find Flavio and get to Keelhaul Key, and an excuse to give his companions for his sudden absence.

“Hey Lou, is that your friend?” Mario gestured at the little Spike Top. He didn’t wait for an answer before continuing, “How about you tell me that story?”

Luigi eyed Torque warily, the Spike Top making a slight turn so its face was again visible. Luigi gave a sheepish wave in his direction, Torque responding with a loud click of its jaw and a series of buzzes that reminded Mario of a horde of angry cicadas. 

“Heh, he’s excited to hear it again, too,” Mario pressed on, willing himself to be oblivious to the mounting tension between the odd pair. 

“Well,” Luigi rubbed at the back of his neck, avoiding looking anywhere near Torque. “If you’re sure…”

“Surer than sure!” Mario exclaimed with fake enthusiasm, throwing his hands up like he was tossing two baseballs into the air. 

His brother gave a small smile, slipping his thumbs behind the straps of his overalls as he uncurled his defensive hunch, voice dropping into a more comfortable storytelling baritone. “Okay, then. It all started like this. Just as our boat arrived on Circuit Island…”

Mario let his brother’s tale wash over him, making appropriate sounds of acknowledgement when necessary. He knew this lapse would come back to bite him in the ass later, but he’d rather have a world he could fight with his brother in than no world at all. He took in a long breath through his nose, holding it at the top for five seconds before releasing it in the opposite manner, careful to not make it sound as if he were sighing in annoyance at his brother’s narrative.

Finding Flavio was his first task. And messaging Goombella, although he was tempted to put the inevitable tongue-lashing off for another few minutes. Flavio first, he decided. The name was familiar, and sworn he had heard it bandied about when he first arrived in Rogueport, barreling through every shop and back-alley headquarters he could find in a blind panic. He knew he needed to find someone who worked on a ship, some sea-faring type, although in this town, that could be anybody from a pirate to a fortune teller to a criminal on the lam. 

It wasn’t like he could just walk around asking if anyone had seen a man with a peg-leg and eyepatch. For as quirky as the Mushroom Kingdom could be, it rarely conformed to his Earth-bound stereotypes. 

“The Skuuuuul Captaaaaaaaaain!” a boisterous voice warbled from a corner table. Mario made a perfunctory nod at his brother - yes, I’m listening - scanning each of the bar patrons until he landed on a short, well-dressed man teetering on the back two legs of his chair. 

“Festiiiivaaaaal!” he bellowed in discordant tones, hugging a bright red gemstone in the shape of a skull with one atm, raising a half-full mug of Chuckola with the other.

Then again, maybe he didn’t need to go around asking about pirates, seeing as one landed in his proverbial lap. The knots in Mario’s stomach unraveled, each freed line replaced by a bit of fluttering optimism he hadn’t felt since his victories in the Glitzville Pit. 

Doopliss was out of the picture. His companions were back and his brother, if not exactly happy, was at least distracted and, more importantly, safe. The man with the fluffy white cravat and maroon jacket caressed the cheekbones of the skull gemstone, singing another loud nonsense verse into its ear. 

Mario let himself smile. He was going to come out on top of this, hell and high water.

[ch1giri]

heyy!! I found your blog recently and I really enjoy reading your writings! You’re an amazing writer! I’m really happy to see more Blue Lock content as well! Blue Lock is such an awesome manga and I love it so much! I look forward to more of your works! 💘

Could I also request maybe First Date headcanons with Sae, Rin, Nagi, Chigiri, Reo, Kunigami, Isagi, or any of the Blue Lock boys? Thank you!

Hi anon you are such a sweetheart thank you so much! This made my day (*≧з≦) I apologise for making you wait too long, I hope you'll like it! Also, sorry some of them were much longer than the others

First date headcanons

Characters: Sae Itoshi, Rin Itoshi, Nagi Seishiro, Reo Mikage, Chigiri Hyoma, Kunigami Rensuke and Isagi Yoichi

Sae Itoshi

• You have to be very special to catch his eye. He doesn't go just for anyone, but you, you're definitely special

• And once he confirms his feelings for you he confidently asks you out. Bonus points if you get flustered a bit, he thinks it's cute that he has that effect on you.

• Once you guys agree to go on a date this boy immediately rearranges his schedule around the date

• He tried suggesting that you two go on your first date in Spain or France. But you politely shut down his idea down, saying that he doesn't need to go overboard for your first date

• So you guys settle for a nice restaurant in Japan, he was a little bummed that he had to stay here but it's with you so he will manage

• Sae is a true gentleman, opens the door for you, pulls you out a chair, compliments you and pays for the meal

• If someone happens to see you two outside on a date tho, rumours will start immediately. But he couldn't give two shits tbh

• He would enjoy listening to your interests, Sae loves watching that spark light up in your eyes he knows the feeling of happiness that rushes through you when you talk about your interests.

• If they do happen to ask him about you on some press conferences he would just say: "Yes I'm currently dating someone, I don't get how is that related to my career."

• After your date, he would drive/walk you home and kiss you on your forehead. And when he comes back home he would have to fight the urge of buying some tickets for a foreign country to take you on your next date.

Rin Itoshi

• Like his brother, Rin seems very cold and calculated. So you have to be super interesting to catch his fancy

• Rin is introverted, so he wouldn't like to go out to some fancy restaurant. So he would take you out to the movies! He enjoys horror films so I feel like he would pick out a really good one

• After movies you guys would get ice cream and walk around, talking about anything and everything

• He would complain about all the lukewarm people he met in blue lock. And he would offer an ear to your complaints.

• He is so cute I swear, Rin is trying so hard to hide the smile that is stubbornly trying to show on his face. He doesn't want to blow his "cool guy" persona yet.

• He would walk you home and you would walk you home, but you would have to be one to initiate something. He wants to hug you, but the poor boy is just super embarrassed.

• When you hug him, or kiss him on the cheek. You can definitely see the red color creeping on his ears. When you two finally part your ways. Rin is letting that simle show, just this time it's much bigger and the pink dusting his cheeks is much more visible. But when he gets back home he puts on his cold facade

• He is not into PDA, so on your next date I feel like you two would walk around with your pinkies intertwined

Nagi Seishiro

• This one is a given, Nagi would totally take you out on an arcade date! He could effortlessly impress you, plus who doesn't love arcades?

• You two would play few intense rounds of air hockey. After the fifth time that you lost he let you win one round, just to see you jump around in victory

• After that you guys played some co op games, Mario Bros, Bubble Bobble and other classic

• Your small rivalry will continue as you guys start playing vs games like Street Fighter, Tekken and Mortal Kombat if you main Kitana you are immediately attractive idc again he will let you win just to see that cute smile on your face

• Please if you have the willpower make him play Taiko or DDR. At first he would be hesitant, because he thinks that it would require so much effort but if you bat your eyelashes he might just fall for your trap

• What can he say it's hard to resist when it comes to you. Surprisingly he is really good at Taiko, which of course earned a compliment from you "You should consider becoming a drummer." please just imagine drummer!Nagi what a concept

• Nagi saw you eyeing one of the toys in the claw machine and he just had to jump at the opportunity. So here you were with two milkshakes in your hands cheering Nagi on

• It took him a while but he got it in the end! He knows that you will treasure it, and the huge smile on your face was totally worth it

• You two walk to your house hand in hand and talk about all the games that you played you leave him with a kiss on the cheek and a promise to beat him fair and square next time

Reo Mikage

• This guy goes all out, like it's unreal how much effort he put in. The second you agreed to go out on a date with him he started planning everything out to the smallest detail

• A limo was waiting outside for you, I mean he did tell you to wear something nice, but you didn't expect this much

• He bought you flowers, he went as far as renting out the whole restaurant. Which is one of the most expensive in town.

• At first you felt kinda awkward, I mean isn't he going a bit too far? He probably spent a lot of money on this. But he reassured you that you deserve to be spoiled

• After some time you get much more comfortable, and you stop caring. You don't feel uncomfortable and out of place because Reo is there, and that's the only thing that matters

• After a very nice dinner made by the best cook in the country. You guys went on top of a tall building and just talked your hearts out, admiring the beautiful navy sky

• The limo took you guys back to your place and you were standing on your doorstep hoping that Reo would do something and he did!

• He kissed you! And you had to hold in a scream of happiness, after he left you ran into your room to let out that happiness by screaming into your pillow

Chigiri Hyoma

• Okay, you two would go on a study date! He feels like that's the best option, it's lowkey and he wouldn't feel as stressed to actually ask you out

• But just because the date seems casual, it doesn't mean he didn't carefully chose the location you two would go to. He checked all the local cafés and what food and drinks they serve

• He would choose the most beautiful café, a beautiful slow melody is bouncing around the room. The whole café was decorated with wood and plants, making it look like a whimsical forest

• You two ordered tea and got two Strawberry Shortcakes, Chigiri and you opened your books, you guys talked a bit about the harder subjects you have to get to eventually

• But as the conversation started to flow, you two kinda forgot about the pile of books you had on the table

• You talked about your favorite writers, and other hobbies you share, the tea was great and so was the Shortcake

• After a long talk, it was time to part your ways. Chigiri walked you home, and you guys just couldn't stop talking about everything and anything

• You didn't want to go and neither did he, so he immediately asked you out on a another date, and of course you were so excited

• When he left he just couldn't stop thinking about you, so he called you and the two of you talked for so long.

• Both of you couldn't wait to see each other again

Kunigami Rensuke

• The two of you would go to an amusement park! Eating delicious, colourful cotton candy as you guys talked about all the ride you want to go on

• Kunigami would win so many games, you would have so many stuffed animals by the end of it

• Like his hands were full and you were carrying two stuffed bears each settled into your hands

• You guys would ride the fastest, highest roller coasters. But if you are afraid of heights, that's okay too. There is a lot of other fun rides and games you can try

• You would go on the teacups and you would ride a carousel giggling like little children throughout all of it

• Kunigami suggested that you should visit the Haunted mansion, everything was fine at first, but then a second jump scare happened and then out of reflex Kunigami hit the poor worker in the head

• When the sun started to fall asleep and the sky splashed with orange gradients. The two of you went to a farriers wheel

• Walking home still laughing about the aftermath of the punch Kunigami accidentally landed and your hands full with the stuffed prizes, he asked you out on a next date

Isagi Yoichi

• Isagi took you out on a picnic! At first he was kinda hesitant to ask you out. He can get really insecure at times and you are just so perfect he thought you were way out of his league

• When you said yes, he was the happiest he ever felt it's the same feeling he gets when he scores a goal

• In an attempt to surprise Isagi, you decided to make some sandwiches

• Isagi had the same idea tho, so when you two met up, both of you were holding baskets full of food earning an angelic laugh from Isagi

• The field looked beautiful, it was filled with flowers and some kids were running around. The two of you sat on a blanket right under a blossoming cherry tree

• Munching on some sandwiches, you talked about anything and everything

• After you stuffed your faces with food, Isagi suggested that you two play football. And you eagerly agreed

• Sure, maybe you aren't the best football player. But seeing the spark that is dancing in his eyes is totally worth running around trying to kick a ball

• To your surprise, you played football for hours laughing and playfully bickering

• And everything was fine until the rain began to fall. Quickly starting to pack your things up, Isagi looked for the shelter

• The two of you ran to safety, never dropping your smiles, your hair and clothes totally wet by now

• Your house was closer so that's where you went. You begged Isagi to stay until the rain stopped. And he oh was he embarrassed, he's never been in a girl's room and now here he is. Changing into some clothes you had laying around while you were making tea for the both of you

• After some time passed, Isagi finally got comfortable and you laughed the whole situation off

• When the rain stopped, it was time for him to go even though you didn't want him to

• He thanked you for the stuff you lent him. Promising to return them on the next date

[marvelgiggles]

What Are Best Friends For?

Tom Holland x Harrison Osterfield x Reader

Hello! Recently I’ve been obsessed with Tom, Harrison and Reader best friends fics. So I wanted to try and write one. I got carried away and it’s super long and it starts out pretty angsty but ends with a lot of fluff!!

You quietly opened the door to your shared apartment, you didn’t want to alert your roommates that you came home early. You were supposed to have a date tonight but after waiting at the restaurant for hours for your date you decided to make your way back to apartment knowing that you’ve been stood up. You couldn’t help but check your phone to see if he ended up texting you, he did. He pretty much told you it was all a bet with his friends to see if he could get you to agree to go on a date with him and that you weren’t attractive to him.

You were always a little insecure about yourself. You’ve never really had a boy be interested in you and you were excited and flattered that you were going out on your first date, but now knowing that it was all for a bet made you feel horrible about yourself and felt humiliated. You knew that if your two best friends found out you were sure they’d beat him to a pulp. They would also try and pick up the pieces of yourself that were now broken and you didn’t want to burden them with it. They had more important things to focus on like new movies and projects.

Your two best friends were Tom Holland and Harrison Osterfield. You met Tom first when you two used to live across the street from each other when you were younger and when Tom befriended Harrison at school the three of you were inseparable from then on. So, it made the most sense for the three of you to move into together. Even though Tom essentially kidnapped Harrison when Tom got his role in the MCU, they didn’t forget about you. You decided to go to university so you stayed back in London, taking care of Tessa, cleaning the apartment and hanging out with your friends from university and spent him with your family and theirs since you were all so close. Every couple weeks, or when you had a break from school, you got a plane ticket in the mail to come and fly out to wherever Tom and Harrison were for the week.

You didn’t want any pity from your best friends, you just wanted to sneak into your room and snuggle with Tessa for the rest of the night and swearing off boys for the rest of your life. Thankfully neither of the boys were in living room so you quickly made your way to your bedroom, you suddenly heard movement and froze in place. You let out a deep breath when you realized it was Tessa coming to greet you. She quickly made her way into your room and jumped up on your bed ready for her to snuggle you. You curled up next to her and finally let the tears flow before you drifted off to sleep.

You woke up the next morning with Tessa still curled up next to you. You didn’t want to get out of bed and face the day. You knew your roommates would be home and would ask you about your ‘date’ from last night. You convinced yourself that you could train Tessa to periodically leave the room to get you food so you could stay in your room forever. Suddenly there was a knock on your door.

“Y/N. Are you awake? Tom and I made breakfast and we would like to have Tessa back.” You heard Harrison state and you actually cracked a smile a little bit. Even though Tessa was Tom’s dog, there was a never ending argument that she was more yours since you collectively spent the most time with her. Eventually you got the courage to get out of bed, pulled on some leggings and one of the many sweatshirts you stole from one of the boys. 

You made your way into the kitchen slash living room and saw both of the boys bare backs as they continued to cook breakfast for the three of you. It was a tradition at the apartment when all three of you were at the apartment. The three of you would spend most Sunday in the apartment, just spending time together as best friends. You’d eat breakfast together, either watch a movie or play Mario Kart, order some take out and continue to either binge something on one of the many streaming services you each had. 

Tom turned around and saw that you’ve made your way into the land of the living. “Mornin’ Y/N.” He greeted with a huge smile on his face, Harrison quickly turned around and gave you an equally big smile.

“How’d last night go?” He asked you. It was an innocent question and you shouldn’t have taken it so personally, but you couldn’t help the tears that started to form in your eyes. You quickly ducked your head down so the boys wouldn’t catch on.

“Fine.” You mumbled, you took a couple deep breaths and forced the tears back and made your way over to the bar and sat on one of the chairs.  

“Good enough for a second one?” Tom asked with a waggle of his eyebrows. You just simply shook your head, scared that if you spoke you would break down and cry. Tom came around the bar and slung an arm around your shoulder. “Well his loss Y/N.”

“You okay Y/N?” Harrison asked you cautiously. 

“Yeah.” You said but your voice betrayed you. You sounded sad and broken and you immediately felt Tom pull you more into his chest and you broke down into the tears again. 

“The date didn’t go well did it?” Tom asked you already knowing the answer. You just shook your head into his chest and you felt him lift you up into his arms and bring you over to the couch. Tom set you on his lap and Harrison made his way over and pulled your feet up into his lap. 

“What happened Y/N?” Harrison gently asked you not wanting to push you too far. 

You told them that you got stood up, that it was all a bet with his friends, and the text message he sent you. When you mentioned the text you felt Tom and Harrison both tense up beside you knowing how mad they were. You knew that they wanted to go and find him and give him a piece of their mind and while it was sweet of them, you also didn’t want them to get in trouble. 

Harrison took you from Tom’s lap and pulled you into his. He made you look him into his ocean blue eyes before telling you, “Y/N don’t you dare listen to anything that dingus has to say. You are the most incredible person that we have ever met.” He then kissed your forehead and squeezed you tighter into his hold. 

“Yeah, Y/N. He has no idea what he’s missing.” Tom said as he took both of your hands in his. “Do you know what this means?” You popped up and looked at Tom with confusion on your face and then you looked back at Harrison and he had the same look on his face.

"MOVIE DAY!!” Tom and Harrison both yelled. Tom popped up from the couch quickly running off to go grab all of the junk food from the kitchen and Harrison dropped you on the couch running off to go grab all of the blankets from the hall closet. The boys made quick work to set all of the food on the giant ottoman and wrapped all three of you up in blankets. 

In no time at all Infinity War was playing on the TV. It was just as enjoyable as the first time, you chose not to join them on set because you wanted to be surprised as everyone else. Although it was a lot of fun to know all of the behind  the scenes stuff that happened, but you couldn’t help but pick on your best friends in the movie.

“Who’s that nerdy looking guys behind Peter Parker on the bus.” 

“Watch it Y/N.” Harrison lowly growled, but it just egged you on.

“Really Tom you couldn’t have waited to put the mask on after you jumped from the bus?”

“Okay. If that’s how you want to play. Fine.” Tom said as you felt a poke at your side which caused you to squeal and jump away from Harrison, the guilty party, and closer to Tom. Tom quickly brought you tight to his chest with your arms crossed over your chest, he wrapped you in a tight bear hug so you wouldn’t be able to fight back. Harrison then grabbed both of your legs in a headlock and turned around to smirk at you.

“No. I’m not ticklish today.” You stated trying to squirm out of their grips but they were considerably stronger than you and much bigger too. 

“Oh really?” Harrison looks at you with a smirk on his face and gleam in his eye as he started to lightly flutter his fingers over your feet. You bit down on your bottom lip to prevent the giggles that your body wanted to release in. Although you did start to squirm just a little harder.

“I thought you weren’t ticklish today Y/N.” Harrison said as he continued to tickle both of your feet. You were impressed that you didn’t let out a giggle. “Then why are you trying to get away.”

“My feet are cold!” You said through gritted teeth as you were still trying to fight your way out of Tom and Harrison’s hold. 

“Here let me help you warm them up.” Harrison said as he started to quickly scratch all over your feet. You squealed and then burst into giggles, you were also desperately trying to kick your feet away from Harrison wretched fingers. 

Harrison continued to torment your feet and you couldn’t stop the laughter that was coming out of your mouth. After a while Harrison stopped tickling your feet but he still had a grip on your legs and he turned around to face you and Tom. 

“Ready to apologize yet?” Harrison smirked at you. You tried to shrug your shoulders but Tom still had a good grip on you, so you just shook your head. “Okay. Don’t say I didn’t give you a chance.” Harrison still had a good grip on both of your legs. You watched his fingers gently rest on top of one of your right kneecap, then he slowly spread them out in all directions. You shrieked and tried to kick your legs out of his grip before Harrison moved onto your other kneecap.

“Don’t do that.” You said between helpless giggles.

“What this?” Harrison taunted as he did the same thing to your other kneecap, causing the same reaction as the previous one. Once he did that move at least twice on both kneecaps he moved his hand right above your knee and started to squeeze. You started to let out giggles that sounded like that stupid red puppet from your childhood. 

Suddenly you felt a blow of air in your ear. You instantly craned your head away from the tickly breath of air. You felt it again but you couldn’t move your head any further. “Tom stop.” You cried.

“Y/N I’m not doing anything.” Tom said as he continued to blow in your ear and on the skin of your neck. You were now getting tortured by both of your best friends. You also felt Harrison moving up your legs causing you to laugh just a little bit harder but not like you were before, and you also felt Tom’s hard slide his hands slightly up your arms but he still had a tight grip on you.

All of a sudden you felt Harrison start to squeeze your hips. You arched your back as best you could but ultimately got nowhere. 

“Y/N what’s so funny? Why are you laughing so hard?” Harrison said.

“Yeah Y/N. You said you weren’t ticklish today.” Tom added, “so this won’t bother you right?” All of a sudden you felt a set of fingers in your underarms. This was your second most ticklish spot and the boys knew that. You threw your head back in laugher but now that Harrison had moved to tickling your hips you were free to kick your legs. 

“No!” You squealed but continued to laugh uncontrollably. 

“No it doesn’t bother you.” Harrison said, “what if I move here?” Harrison hands quickly were squeezing up and down your sides and your kicking became more and more desperate. 

“I’m sorry.” You cried hoping they would stop before they tickled your most ticklish spot. 

“Well that’s nice Y/N but we are having too much fun to stop.” Tom said but thankfully he stopped tickling your underarms but he went back to blowing air in your ear and on your neck. “Make us an offer.” Tom whispered in your ear causing you to start squealing again and trying to get away from Tom’s breath in your ear. 

“I’ll make you both root beer floats.” You cried out in-between your laughter as you were still trying to fight your way out of Tom’s arms.

You heard Tom just laugh to himself, “I’m not really feeling like a root beer float today. Haz?”

“Nope, I’m having too much fun right now!” You saw Harrison’s smirk through your tear filled eyes.

“Try again Y/N!” You could literally hear the smug smile you were sure was on Tom’s face as he and Harrison continued to torment you with tickles. “Come on Y/N make us an offer or Harrison will just continue.” Suddenly, your fear came true. Harrison’s hands had made their way to your most ticklish spot, your stomach.

You screamed and let out loud belly laughter. However, you were spent. You had no energy left so all you could do is laugh and lie there in Tom’s arms. They must have sensed that you had enough because Tom’s grip on you loosened and Harrison stopped tormenting you, although you didn’t move from where you were. 

After you calmed down the boys draped a blanket over you and your head rested in Tom’s lap, Tessa jumped up on the couch to cuddle with you, and Harrison propped your legs on top of his. The rest of your day was filled with movies, junk food galore, and friendship.

You felt yourself drifting off to sleep, when suddenly you felt a kiss on your forehead and then another one. You cracked your eyes open to see Harrison looking at you. “If you need anything Y/N/N, don’t be afraid to ask, you know that Tom and I won't judge you.” You simply nodded.

“Besides, Y/N what are best friends for?” Tom said as he lifted you up into his arms and carried you off towards your bed. 

[volleyball-dontknowher]

Hello! I would like to request, if you're okay with this, some general relationship HC with Nishinoya (i'm sorry if this isnt specific at all) I love this lil' guy he makes me so soft uwu 💕 also i just found your blog and i like it a lot! I look forward for your future posts!! :D

A?N THANK YOU SO MUCH THAT MEANS SO MUCH TO ME!! There are parts of this that I’ve said before but I feel like they are so on brand with the little ball of fluff that I had to include them again

This is like 1.5 k ish so please enjoy

Noya is amazing at appreciating a gorgeous girl

He is not afraid to go up to them and tell them that they are the prettiest thing that he has ever seen and be a total simp 

But when he sees you he freezes, you’re gorgeous, like actually the most gorgeous person he’s seen in his entire life

He can’t make himself go up and talk to you but he also can’t make himself look away

It took a few days and a lot of pep talks before he would even go talk to you 

When he finally did he was so relieved that you were nice and that your conversation good

He kept talking to you everyday for a few weeks before actually asking you on a date

He was so nervous that he almost cancelled because he wanted it to be perfect and he wasn’t sure if it was going to be and he didn’t want to embarrass himself

After the first date he was whipped

You went on several more dates before he asked you to be his girlfriend 

From there on out he was completely awestruck with everything you do 

He holds your bag for you and walks you to and from school whenever he can

Was really nervous his friends would say inappropriate things or embarrass him so it took a while before he introduced you to them 

But that doesn’t mean he doesn’t talk about you to them all the time

“She’s just so gorgeous I don’t understand it”

“She made me cookies, COOKIES guys like she’s just so sweet” 

But when he did he made sure to introduce you to Asahi first

“Asahi, this is my girlfriend Y/N, Y/N this is my friend Asahi” he is trying to be really formal with it because he wants Asahi to see that he is actually serious 

“Nice to meet you!” 

“You too” 

You and Asahi actually start a conversation and that is way better than he could have ever thought so he decides to just go ahead and introduce you to the rest of the team

He does it when the team goes out to dinner and a couple of the others bring their girlfriends so he brought you 

“Guys this is my girl Y/N, she’s the best” 

They all smile and introduce themselves back and you end up talking with a lot of them throughout dinner 

He gets distracted thinking about you all the time

Will think about you during practice and completely miss balls because he is thinking of ways to surprise you and new ideas for dates

He tries to take you out to a real date at least every other week because you are so busy but the two of you hangout all the time

When you are at his house you both play mario kart and he is super good from years of playing and is not afraid to beat you over and over again

Every time he wins he demands kisses and not just one he tackles you and kisses all over your face

When you’re at your house you always make him study for at least a little bit before you both watch a movie or bake together 

It’s more like you are baking and he is trying all of the batter and telling you how pretty you are 

Noya cannot seem to compliment you enough 

He is constantly reminding you that you are his world and that he is so happy with you and just makes you feel special all the time

He is interested in everything you are, he wants to learn it all because it makes him closer to you 

He cannot believe it when you told him that you wanted to come watch him play

He was so nervous that he was using the bathroom more than Hinata

All he wanted was for you to be impressed by him 

After his first receive when he hears you cheering for him he is determined to hear you cheer for him again and again and doesn’t miss

He also gave you his old jacket to wear to the game (because Daichi said that he actually needed his one for this year so that they can all match) 

Literally almost passes out seeing you in it like he is so happy and feels so loved seeing you in his jacket

Your first kiss actually happened after the first game you came and watched 

They won and he was so pumped up that he pulled you into a sweet kiss and thanked you for coming to see him

The rest of the team tells you to come to all of the games because Noya’s receives saved them so many times in that game and he was playing way better than you ever had

Also dating him you are now best friends with Tanaka, he is going to tag along on dates and stuff because Noya cannot forget his homie 

You and Tanaka will end up being really good friends and you sometimes team up on Noya when playing games and stuff 

He is bad at remembering dates and things because they just slip his mind so he ends up putting everything important on the calendar on his phone 

But he puts everything down 

“Babe today is the day we had our first kiss” 

“We went to get ice cream today last month, we should go again” 

He doesn’t want to forget anything that happens with you 

He will literally take pictures of the two of you on every date 

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again he is your personal photographer 

He will take pictures of you when you aren’t looking because he wants to capture your beauty

If he wants pictures of the two of you that aren’t selfies he has Tanaka take them 

And Tanaka gets all of the angles for the two of you and will absolutely make you look amazing because he is an a amazing hype man and an amazing friend

Noya cannot get over you in his clothes like he would have you only wear his shirt because he’s a little possessive and wants everyone to know that you are his and his only 

The first time you see him with his hair down if you aren’t encouraging him and telling him it’s cute he’s going to never let you see it down again

He gets insecure about it because his hair gives him so much height ahd he says it looks like a dead bird down 

But if you kiss him and tell him he looks so good with it down and boost his ego about it you get to see it down all the time and you get to run your fingers through his hair and play with it 

Definitely keeps a hand on you at all times because he is not about to have someone come up and talk to you he will not allow it  

Loves to show you off though and if he catches boys looking will put them in their place

“Look away, she’s taken by someone who actually knows how to please a woman”

You also get to see the calm soft side of Noya that other people are sure doesn’t exist

He likes to lay his head in your lap and just talk to you all the time and will hug you from behind and give you slow and calm kisses 

Loves pulling you to his chest and just kissing the top of your head like he cannot get enough of it 

Will do anything to keep you from being upset

If you had a bad day he is telling you to go sit down and relax and sometimes has a bath drawn for you already so you can go soak while he makes dinner for you 

(Awful baker amazing chef) 

He then gives you lots of kisses and soft affection 

Tells you all of his funny stories to try and make you smile 

No matter what always tells you that he loves you and that you better have the best dreams before bed, doesn’t matter if he has to text it to you on a break he has to 

If you do have nightmares will pull you close to him and reassure you that everything is okay and that if the beasts come back he is going to beat them up for you 

Has really smelly feet that you make him leave his shoes outside and he never once argues with you on that, but he did try and chase you with one of his stinky shoes once and you refused to kiss him for a few days after that and he will never do it again 

[andimlonely]

You Shine

BNHA; Denki Kaminari x f!reader | With finals approaching, your diligence is cranked up to the highest setting, but after rarely seeing you outside of class for a few days, Denki has to step in before you run yourself into the ground.

✿♦ Fluff and angst 

A/N: I was struggling with this one for awhile but I think I like how it turned out in the end. Listening to this: https://youtu.be/AGtKpeY6UqI really helped to inspire me, because it captures the feeling of the angsty moments well. Really, a lot of the angst I write will probably pair well with that song if it’s not super heavy. I hope you enjoy this one, and maybe even find some comfort in it if you can relate! 

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Heya, (y/n),” greets Kaminari as he strolls into your room casually, as he always does, clad in a black tank and grey track pants.

You lift your head and glance over your shoulder at him from your desk, noticing the dampness of his forehead and hair, “Hey, Denki. What’s up?”

“Nothin’ much. Kiri and I just got back from the gym. Can ya tell?”

It takes one glance at your blond friend’s silly pose, an attempt to flex all the muscle he purported to have, for you to chuckle, “Yeah, I can tell.”

He chuckles along with you, retorting that maybe he isn’t all muscular yet but he’ll get there, and dropping down onto your baby blue beanbag chair - and probably widening the small but worrisome ripped seam that you have yet to sew back up. 

While he makes himself comfortable, you continue to tap at your keyboard, then pause to read, then tap away again, a monotonous cycle that threatens to lull him into a boredom-induced nap. By now Denki is used to the sight, having learned of your diligence before he even got to know you personally. In fact, it was due to Aizawa’s praise towards the students with perfect scores on the first exam that he reached out to you in the first place. With Yaoyorozu overbooked for studying sessions, it was between you and Midoriya, and while he had nothing against his freckled classmate, he wasn’t going to choose him as a tutor when there was someone cute and just as capable available. 

But despite how accustomed he is to seeing you hunched over your desk, he’s no less dismayed. 

“Don’t tell me you’re still studying,” he groans, his head tossed back against the beanbag. 

The rhetorical nature of the question has you playfully rolling your eyes. “Should I even answer that? Besides, have you even started studying? Finals are next week.”

“It’s Monday! This week just started and you’re already worrying about the next one?”

He really won’t let this go. Exasperated, you drop your pen and swivel around so you can plead him to let you study.

“Denki,” you whine, “We’ve been over this. Cramming at the last minute isn’t a good idea, didn’t you learn that after the last math test?”

He cringes at the mention, raising his hands defensively, “Alright, alright. I’ll let you study, but you’re still playing games with us later. I’m not gonna let you ditch me for some homework.”

“Fine,” you sigh with exaggerated reluctance. Secretly, as exhausted by Denki’s refusal to let you work in peace you are, you’re endeared by how persistently he tries to give you a break. Taking a little time to go get food with your best friend, or watch a movie, or anything really, sounds especially fun right now. Almost fun enough to loosen your tight study schedule, almost.

It’s not as if you want to study, or that it’s some kind of recreational activity for you. Flicking endlessly through pages, straining your eyes scanning line upon line of text, and scrawling numbers and letters that become progressively less neat in your notebook are all pretty dreadful to you. But the prospect of being handed back an assignment marked with anything less than 90% possesses your body to keep at it. The weight of maintaining such a strict regimen might strain your shoulders, but the weight of failing or underperforming threatens to crush you. And as much as you want to let it every now and then, you sweep the idea aside by burying your nose into your work. 

With a reminder that you have a few hours until you have to report to Jirou’s room for some gaming, Kaminari dismisses his still mildly sweaty self for a much needed shower. 

----

You spent that night huddled between Jirou and Denki for a couple hours, immersed in the almost evenly matched brawling of Smash Ultimate and the tumultuous rollercoaster of a game that is Mario Kart, among other games. It felt nice to indulge in something fun for awhile, even more so surrounded by your friends, but before it went on for too long you excused yourself back to your room for the night. 

That was the last time Denki and Jirou had seen you outside of class not hunched over a book or your computer, or training furiously at the gym. Needless to say, your absence from the group activities, and spaces outside your room in general - besides meals - quickly grew worrisome. 

“Dude, I haven’t seen (y/n) out here like all week,” Kaminari frowns, “I get it’s finals almost, but she’s kinda pushing it, don’t you think?”

Jirou, after taking a drink from her water bottle, sits on the adjacent sofa. “Definitely. I tried dragging her out earlier but she was asleep at her desk.” 

“Damn, dude. All she does is homework and study. I’m getting kinda worried about her.”

You might be what Denki considers an overachiever, but he’s never seen you this determined, except maybe during practical exams and of course during the many villain encounters the class has endured. But as for school work, you’re never this obsessed.

“We should try talking to her or something,” Jirou suggests, sharing in the blond’s concern for you.

“She’s so stubborn though. I tell her to take it easy all the time, she just won’t have it.”

“That’s not what I meant. Of course she’s not gonna listen if you tell her to take a break. I meant ask her why she’s so stressed in the first place. Maybe something else is bothering her.”

For some reason, the idea that something besides compulsion and maybe a little masochism is fueling your tireless work hadn’t occurred to him before. 

Denki crosses his arms, “Ya think?”

It makes sense as he considers the idea. But what could be so compelling to keep you chained to your desk everyday? He isn’t sure, but he aims to find out.

----

You barely hear the knocking over the audio playing in your earbuds, the explanation of a scientific concept you find too abstract put on hold as you answer the door.

“Denki. You knocked,” you say, eyebrows hovering far above your eyes.

Your eyes. You look so tired. Denki is struck by the darkness encircling your usually bright (e/c) irises, now swimming with tired determination.

“I know,” he replies, his hand stroking the back of his head as he steps into your room, “I dunno why.”

The curtains are loose, completely shielding your room from any light that could spill in from the night sky, though it could surely use some; your table lamp is the only source of light in the dimly lit room. In the dark he can still make out the clothes and few other items littering the floor around you, probably accumulating from all the time you sank into your studies this week.

“I assume you’re here to tell me I need a break, but I already took one. I watched youtube for an hour or so,” you inform him, a tired smile on your lips.

His smile is weak, and you notice it. “Not bad.”

He’s too quiet. 

“What’s wrong?”

A nervous chuckle falls from his lips, “Nothing’s wrong.” 

“Then.. Why are you so quiet?”

The only times Denki ever acted this strange were after brushes with villains, and that time he was feeling insecure about his critical thinking on the field, so you know better than to believe nothing is bothering him. 

“Ah.. guess I’m just tired. Aren’t you?”

“A little,” you confess, your fingers tugging at the hem of your t-shirt. “But I can’t stop now. I’ve gotten a lot done, but I still have lots to finish.”

“Dude,” your friend whines, and you sigh, already ready to protest his insistence that you’re pushing yourself too far. “I know you don’t wanna hear this, (y/n), but you really need to take a break. We haven’t even seen you out of your room since the other day, except for dinner.” 

“Denki, I don’t have time for this..”

“I’m serious, (y/n). We’re getting worried about you. Not even just me and Jirou, but the others too.”

“Worried? I’m fine.” 

Even you don’t sound so sure, your stare locked on anything that isn’t Denki. 

He drags a hand down his face, groaning once again. Maybe his pestering is annoying, but enough is enough. He would rather risk you hating him for a little while than let you run yourself into the ground like you’ve been. 

“(y/n), look. I get you’re driven and all, but it’s okay to take a break, you know?,”

“No, Denki, it’s not okay! It’s not chill, or cool, or fine! I have to pass - no, I have to ace these tests!” 

Your outburst has him taken aback, and he places a hand on your shoulder, eyes like honey saturated with sincerity.

“Hey, hey. (y/n). They’re just tests, relax.” 

“Relax”..? The word alone has you flying into a fit of rage. How could he possibly expect you to just relax, as if it’s easy, as if you can erase the glaring red numbers that flash through your mind any time your hands aren’t busy. As if the imaginary anvil hanging over your head will just disappear if you pretend it isn’t there. As if you can even dig yourself out of the mounds of paper you’re swimming in in the first place. 

“They’re not, though! Why aren’t you getting that?! Maybe you don’t feel an urgency to do well, but I do, why is that wrong?”

Denki has never seen you this distressed before, and he only grows more alarmed by the way your eyes grow glassier every time you speak. 

“It’s not wrong, (y/n).. But obsessing about it like this is. It’s not like you’re anywhere close to failing your classes, so why is this freaking you out so much?”

“Because it’s the only thing I have! If I don’t do well academically then --” 

Before the rest can escape, you cut yourself off, halting the flood of words that threaten to break through your lips. Your wrap your arms around yourself, your fingers pressing firmly into your arms.

But Denki can’t forget what you’ve said. He has to know. Why are you so desperate to prepare for these finals?

Rather than try to make you look him in the eye, he steps into your line of sight again, urging you to finish your thought. 

“Then what..?” 

Half of your face is illuminated by the glow of your lamp and computer, a gleaming droplet rolling down the slope of your cheek. Your breaths stutter faintly. The silence feels thick, so gripping in the absence of your raised voice from just moments ago. The room’s energy might have diminished but the weight of your emotion clings to the air.

“T-then I.. don’t stand out at all,” you murmur, all the defensiveness from before drained from your voice.

‘(y/n)...’

His hand is raised as if reaching weakly out to you, but you turn your back to him.

“What are you talking about?..” 

‘Isn’t it obvious?’

“My quirk isn’t really exciting, and my field work is fine but it’s not outstanding.. If I can’t ace every test, then there’s nothing exceptional about me at all. I’m just.. mediocre without my academics.” 

And you struggle to even stand out then. Yaoyorozu, Iida, Deku.. even Bakugou. All of them are just as, maybe even more, focused on their grades and just as often share in your tendency to receive high marks. It’s not as if you want them to fail; you even admire their intelligence and diligence, but sometimes, sometimes it seems so unfair. They already have such amazing quirks, make such an impression whether they’re participating in something controlled like the Sports Festival or finding creative ways to elude villains. They already seem like heroes. Why can’t you have just one moment to feel that capable, even if your moment is confined to the classroom?

“(y/n).. Hey, that’s not true. You’ve got it all wrong. There’s tons of stuff about you that stands out.”

By now your shoulders are shaking, every drop of frustration and exhaustion you locked away to be able to focus on your studies over the week seeping out of you at once. 

“Like what, that I’m the least interesting student in the class?” 

Denki’s chest stirs with a guilt-like feeling. How could you think this way? How could all this fear and insecurity you’ve been carrying have slipped past him? Quirk aside, he isn’t the brightest, but he thought he at least knew you well enough to notice when something is wrong.

He moves in front of you, and seeing you have your head lowered, he crouches before you so his face is in sight.

“No. Like how great you are at thinking on your feet. And how much you trust other people, instead of just taking the reigns every time you’re working with them. And all the creative ways you use your quirk. I’d never be able to think up stuff like that if I were you. Hell, I couldn’t even think of a way around the obstacles of my quirk without some help.”

“But.. what if my quirk just isn’t special enough?..”

“Hey. I get it. Sometimes it can feel like the rest of us fade into the background when you look at people like Bakugou or Todoroki. They seem like they’re lightyears away from us sometimes, and it can be kind of a downer. But just look at all the times relying on their quirk wasn’t even enough.”

“Yeah.. I guess so.”

He continues.

“I mean, yeah, quirks are pretty important, and powerful ones get all the attention. But if the only thing you have going for you is your quirk, I dunno, I doubt you’re gonna get very far. Don’t you think? I mean maybe if I was as smart as you I’d have a lot more brain cells left after using my quirk for a long period of time,” he jokes, tender smile deepening when you crack a laugh of your own.

“I guess I’m trying to say.. Your quirk is just as cool as anyone else’s, but it only is because you made it that way. You don’t have to ace every test to stand out, because you already shine without that. But it’s not like you even have to try that hard to do well, right? So just.. Keep being you.”

“I.. shine?”

“Even without your quirk, or your good grades,” he nods, rising to his feet, “You’re already awesome without all that.”

Without warning, your arms are wrapped tightly around him, your face buried into his shoulder, dampening his shirt somewhat as the tears you were suppressing flow free - not that he cares. You could blow your nose with this shirt and he wouldn’t mind if it meant he got to feel you like this. With the arm not trapped in your embrace, he squeezes you closer.

“I’m sorry for yelling at you,” you mumble into his shoulder.

“It’s okay. You’re kinda cute when you’re mad anyway,” he grins, half expecting you to shoot him a playful glare, but you stay nestled in the fabric of his t-shirt instead. “So you promise you’re gonna slow down?”

You can’t remember the last time you felt this calm. You don’t want to let him go, not any time soon. Despite how close you’ve become, you had never hugged Denki for this long, but now, as he sways you lightly right to left, you can’t imagine going long without it. 

“I’ll try,” you nod, face flushed as you come down from your emotional high, “Could we maybe.. watch a movie together? I’m tired of studying for tonight.”

“‘Course. I’ll get my laptop, it’s bigger.”

[theprivilegedshatlord-blog]

I am the friend known as “H” from CancerChaser blog in Chapter 6

I am here to corroborate what my friend said and provide my side of the story of this situation. Walhartonsclub (WC) told me about CancerChaser (CC) back in 2016 after the first incident where CC was wiling out on WC because of what seemed to a misunderstanding of affording a phone. I initially told WC to ignore him because he was not worth shit or at least is what I initially thought. From there he kept me informed about what CC did throughout.Now to go into when i was first referenced in the chronicles about CancerChaser. From what I knew at the time, CC asked WC to send emails over and over from phone to his email. Have no idea why would he need WC to do that. He could have used something like Imgur. Given that CC had a phone that was not a smartphone based on what I was told, it would probably be impossible. Of course trying to make simple suggestions to him like this is enough to make CC go into a hair-triggering temper tantrum, so there is no use to try to convince him to upgrade. It was 2016, being up to date shouldn’t be too hard, you can even get refurbished smartphones for a fraction of full retail price. My parents have the latest phones and they are older than CC by decades. Why did CC chose WC instead of other friends for these favors is beyond me. So he asked and asked and asked WC to send him these pics over and over. WC complied with generosity. WC likes to please his friends. He has pleased me multiple times. He also tries to be the best person he can be. Needless to say CC took advantage of him.So when it came time for CC return the favor, he was resistant initially. When he finally did start playing, he did until after half of the game was over. The game was Spring Breeze from Kirby’s Super Star on Super NIntendo. Did you know that Spring Breeze is a remake of the original Kirby’s Dream Land on Game Boy with a missing level and boss? So CC did not even bother finishing such a short abridged game. That betrayal was just foul play on CC’s end.

Then CC would later use WC’s insecurities to gain him back and asked for more favors. WC then approached me on rethinking the situation. I initially thought that he probably did not like the game and was bored. I made the suggestion to pick a game that has much less interaction. Like some touch screen DS or 3DS game. WC brought up Warioware Twisted Touched!, so I thought would be a good choice there. My reasoning is that CC probably has no real interest in video games. I have heard that he has play Super Mario Bros. 3 growing up. Which makes me realize that CC is a very casual non-gamer person.

Reading the situation in question at Chapter 5 reveals that CC had been simply holding the controller where the direction pad in the upper right corner and seemingly pressed no buttons which means he was faking interest and had no intention at all to return the favor. He really should have said that he had no interest in playing video games. He was lying to manipulate WC. Which comes to no surprise that CC refused to play Warioware Twisted Touched! when asked. He cannot play easy games. He cannot play very simple games. But he would lie about having an interest only for him to evade that with excuses. With friends like these who needs bullies?

The next time I was involved was when WC was having his panic attack resulting from personal issues that are stated in Chapter 6. I have received certain pictures that hinted that he was contemplating suicide. Being under vacation time from my job, I decided to actually come see WC to check up on him myself. When I saw him, he was sitting on a couch. When he saw me he was excited to see me I asked if he took any of the pills or hurt himself, he told me that he gave himself more time to think about it. Perhaps to think about the people that love him.

He told me about the situation that led up to the panic attack. Best way to describe what was happening without revealing confidential information is that someone was very sick and emotions erupted. I had told him that he needs more time to hang out with friends. We not only did Spring Breeze in full, but also Meta Knight’s Revenge, Dyna Blade, and Great Cave Offensive as well. Games in that collection that are larger than Spring Breeze. We did not get to do Milky Way Wishes that day, but we did eventually got to do it at another time. We also played Brawl Brothers, all I remember is that there was a code to play the Japanese version and we did that and completed the game. It was short at 5 levels long. We also played Events in Super Smash Bros. for Wii U. We did not clear all of the event, only some but we did have fun.

At Applebees we discussed the situation further. There I learned that he had sent the same pics to other friends as well which made me concerned. I thought that WC was going to get a wellness check on him or worse be committed to a mental ward for days. I only knew one recipient among the 7 besides myself (I never met CC in person). The person I knew is a mutual friend. The mutual friend never really got to see the messages, so he was unaware (it reached an old phone and when he got a new one, the messages were deleted). The mutual was relieved to know that WC was okay and felt better. And yes the mutual is informed of CC and his bullshit antics; I can confirm that he heavily resents CC, as I do.

So I had to get WC to do damage control to avoid being institutionalized. As information like this can scare people and be irrational. We needed for cooler heads to prevail. So WC told everyone that it was for attention. So WC can still run his panel at a upcoming convention and not be stuck that weekend in a mental hospital. He really needed to avoid the ruining of plans like that.

After all, my cousin once told me about the one time she told exactly one person that she felt suicidal because an aunt of hers  being diagnosed of cancer (from her dad’ side, I’m related through our moms being sisters). Telling her best friend was enough for the BF to call the ambulance and my cousin had to stay in a mental ward for 16 days!

CC’s response was very callous. As far as I know, he never asked what was going on around that time. He just stayed silent and only responded with that shitty “I knew it” bullshit when he received a fucking coverup. WC was crying for help and I answered the call. I live 2 hours away and this asshat lives minutes away in walking speed, yet gives radio silence to someone he calls himself a friend to, is mere blocks away, while I invest in gas and mileage to make sure WC is okay. Some friend CC is. For someone who claims to be “a good friend” in his hate mail; he sure shows no effort in even trying to check up on him. Real piece of scum CC is.

I later go to see the panel and I liked it. Which comes to no surprise in my perspective. The next day I played Streets of Rage 1 with WC. The only other thing I remember is that there was some dude I met who was in a wheelchair because he broke his foot days before.

Now for my thoughts about CancerChaser and his narcissism.

Walhartonsclub would later work for New York Comic-Con and buy the Super NES Classic. Which meant for the later part of September and early October he would be very busy. He also was seeking for connections, so there would not be any room for free time. CancerChaser did not give a shit about the adult responsibilities WC had to do. And despite CC being older than WC, CC would not take no for an answer and start guilt tripping WC. Having enough of CC’s scummy actions, WC finally cut ties. This was met with harassment and hatemail. Which truly shows CC’s irredeemable character in full form.

CC is a fucking disgrace to everything it means to being gay. If I was gay, I would rather live in a fucking fraternity of homophobic bullies that to ever have anything to do with CC. This old man never seemed to learn a single thing about accountability or responsibility. How dare does he interfere with a job? What gives him the right to call his target for the simple reason to give expletives to him? And his emails? Disgusting does not come close. Making empty threats to for law enforcement for intimidation and truly showing his true colors on how he uses people only to claim they are useless after the fact. And his latest unprovoked email where he makes more empty threats and more shitty insults is fucked up. I have heard that CC passed by a block away from WC’s home twice after 2017. That is obvious projection. CC’s knows WC’s location. Clearly CC is the stalker. Stalking close to his target’s home and then acts like he is the victim and being harassed is scummy behavior. I have never seen such a scummy person ever as far as stalkers and harassers go.

I honestly have no consideration for him as a human being. If he receives anything terrible short of death, it is karma. He deserves nothing but negativity and hate. This man is among the lowest of monsters. I have had to deal with people with psychosis several years ago, but this man is worse by the power of 10. There is bad people and there is EXTREME SCUM. CancerChaser is the latter. The only people worse than CancerChaser are child rapists, pedophiles, murderers, terrorists, abusive parents, and human traffickers. All those aside, CancerChaser is the worst kind of person out there. Fuck this man. Fuck him HARD!

And finally I got one thing to announce. I get the feeling that people do not really want to read long as fuck posts like this on tumblr. I am going to fix that. I am going to working on readings of the CancerChaser blog and post them on YouTube so people who don’t really care about reading essays can listen to the situation as well. Because we really to expose CancerChaser and let tons of people know who much inhumane scumbag CC truly is.

[echoeternally]

BAF Postmortem ~ Characters

Protagonists! (The Main Couple)

My main couple that I wanted to be the focus of the story. It originally started with trying to figure out how to set these characters along to make them fun to follow, and gradually became a project on developing characters altogether!

Greninja

The first character that I had written for and planned on using, that’s Greninja.

Seems pretty typical for folks that want to write about their favorite “popularmons,” but this was back just after X and Y had been released; Greninja was doing well, but still wasn’t in the anime at the time (Ash-Greninja wasn’t even a daydream), and had just been tossed into the latest Super Smash Bros. games (For).

But hey, it was a Water type Pokémon, a Starter no less, and a ninja frog; I don’t think there was a way that I was avoiding using him. 

Since this was coming up after I had written for my Super Mario fanfic, I wanted a character that wasn’t quite as front and center as the main characters from that story, at least not to start with.

So, I went with a shy ninja fellow, one that was added to the roster for the king’s personal army. To fit with, well, internal monologues for readers to follow, he was kind of caught up in daydreaming and getting lost in thought when I originally wrote him.

Greninja was also a lot more awkward, having moments that he would kind of burst out and/or babble/ramble his thoughts and emotions a bit more impulsively than he does later on.

He joined them alongside his clansman, Accelgor, who I had been planning on having something of a close relationship with Greninja, but never really wrote it out for the starting concepts.

(I still haven’t quite flourished it yet, but at least they have more interactions than before!)

Through his knowing Accelgor, he gained interaction with Escavalier, who sought him out for advice on his wife.

Otherwise, he pretty much observed others and noted them, but didn’t really hold meaningful interactions with many. It was the kind of typical sort of feeling from a first person perspective, where the other characters just exist to fill holes, and you don’t really worry about their existence at all.

(Not that Greninja would help the audience really care about them, since he kind of just went about his own business. This wasn’t even based on his character; that’s just how the writing depicted him.)

This later developed as I wrote out the actual story, sharing his leading role with his love interest, Chesnaught. Greninja was still introspective, shy, and awkward, but gained a much-needed boost in elegance.

Whereas prior writing had focused on his odd qualities that set him apart from the cast, it was now reshaped to make him alluring instead, with an air of mystery that intrigued others to him, beyond his superior skill and speed as a fighter.

The main boon that Greninja gained was his interpersonal connections. To better balance him alongside Chesnaught, I wanted to give Greninja a rising scale of connections to other characters.

This is showcased when he starts picking up friends in the middle portions of the story, forming fast friends with others, but maintaining those friendships through interaction and support. Doing so balances him to Chesnaught’s connections with the other knights. These friends help Greninja explore his desires more through their encouragement.

Although he remains quick to romance and develops a weighty crush on Chesnaught, Greninja also doesn’t expect his affections returned, holding back on ever telling Chesnaught how he feels, and assuming his partner has no interest in him. In fact, he’s practically given up on the pursuit until another character convinces him to just plug away at life regardless.

It comes down to the point where he’s confessing his feelings not to find love, but just to be open. And that’s a middle ground he dances along oftentimes: contrary to some aspects of his personality, he’s not the type to his affections based on his romantic inclinations. However, he’s not eager to dump this side of him out where it’s not appropriate either.

By the story’s end, Greninja is still a shy and quieter type of character, but one that looks to grow honestly. His relationship, signaled by his silent acceptance of his boyfriend’s public declaration, is what becomes a driving factor for him to keep being true to himself, and to come out more with others.

Chesnaught

My second character written, originally serving as a love interest until I later upgraded his role to a lead protagonist with his eventual boyfriend.

Something gave me an inkling of a feeling that Chesnaught wasn’t going to be the most popular of the Starter trio. Just a hunch, I suppose. Personally, I enjoyed all three of the Kalos trio, and was a bit bothered by this idea.

So, knowing that Greninja was going to be the main character, the idea was to make Chesnaught his love interest, in hopes to appeal to the wider audience that might grow to like Chesnaught as well. (Ok, so I wasn’t completely oblivious to Greninja’s potential popularity.)

His original character acting only as a one-off story’s love interest, however, felt very bland. Chesnaught was fairly popular for the other characters, being more loved by his fellow knights over others, but he was generally liked by many overall. Cheery, easygoing, and attractive were pretty much his traits, which…made him feel a lot more like an object and a lot less like a character.

And that was the prompting factor that made me want to rework the story to improve him a lot more.

(Especially given that I had written another story that alternated between the two main protagonists, another couple, which was a lot more balanced.)

To do so as soon as possible, I wanted to write the first scene from his perspective. This helped give that initial push to not only begin developing Chesnaught, but also the world around him; even if it’s all new to the readers, Chesnaught could still make a reliable narrator to introduce the castle, the knights, and essentially the plot.

His personality was able to open up more flaws to flesh him out as well. Though he retained his positive characteristics, Chesnaught was also saddled with some flaws.

He was a bit more oblivious this time around, not catching onto Greninja’s feelings like he did in the concept. This tipped into his own awkward behaviors, increasing how relatable he’d end up as a character, since he didn’t quite pick up hints from the other characters.

Though he does eventually discover Greninja’s interest in him, it’s after other characters suggest it to him. To his credit, he’s not the type to fall at first blush either; though he’s attracted to Greninja, he doesn’t immediately act upon it, not looking to develop a love-at-first-sight type affair. Slow burn for Chesnaught’s less than stellar speed, I suppose.

Chesnaught also picked up some insecurity, with his popularity being less based on himself and more on maintaining projected norms around his knight comrades. He wasn’t comfortable with himself around them either, not to the same extent as before, until it’s finally revealed that none of them are aware of his romantic inclinations. (This also made it so that he would never be the first to reveal his budding romantic interest.)

By adding this, he was now less attached to his portion of characters that would take up his attention, as there was an unmentioned desire for him to get space, allowing readers to follow him for isolated instances, or to have one-on-one interactions.

But with these flaws, he was also able to gain a more dedicated focus on bettering himself, through improving his strength and interest in combat practices.

This in turn helped differentiate how each would tell the story to a degree, with Chesnaught’s segments focusing more on combative instances and less on descriptions. The world was new to Greninja, not him, but the battles were something he could pay attention to. He’s even perhaps a touch on the impulsive side here too.

In spite of these inclinations, he still remains open to suggestion, which allows the other characters to help him grow comfortable with his pursuing his interests. So when Greninja finally confessings his attraction, Chesnaught is immediate to reciprocate, deciding to break past his barriers to follow his heart.

Though he’s still working on this by story’s end, Chesnaught discovers Greninja’s desires to be open on multiple levels. This pushes him to his ending gamble, publicly revealing his love for Greninja. Its development is saved for later in the next story.

[romanthroughthestars]

Safe Place~Chapter 1

Ok so this is my first actual fic, and it’s a hot mess. Please bear with me as I try to write this piece of hot garbage. I’ve written almost 10k over a span of two weeks without an outline and with hardly any plan for where I want it to go. It probably isn’t smart for this directionless mess to be the first thing I post, but it’s too late now. I hope it’s not too hard to manage <3

Characters: Roman Prince, Virgil Dubh

Pairings: future prinxiety, future logicality

Warnings: Mentions of anxiety, vague mentions of family troubles

Sum. – Roman sees Virgil wandering down the street around midnight. He quickly catches onto what’s happening when Virgil refuses to accept a ride home, so he invites him over and does everything in his power to make him feel safe and comfortable before Virgil has to go back and face his chaotic household.

Word Count: 4,337

(edited because I’m super insecure about my writing, I’m sorry)

“Hey Virgil!” Virgil’s head snapped up to see some preppy theater kid rolling along slowly down the road in an old, beat up Honda Accord. Roman something. Roman Prince. Some guy that Virgil had never talked to aside from the short exchanges and small talk the Roman had tried to make when Virgil occasionally ordered coffee from a shop that Roman been working at since freshman year. All Virgil really knew about him was that he was the lead in almost school play. Because Virgil was in charge of a lot of the backstage aspects of plays, he never really had to talk to Roman. From the little contact they had had over the past two years, Virgil had firmly deduced that Roman was a stuck up brat.

“Need a ride?”

He was exhausted, it was forty degrees, nearly midnight, and he was six miles away from home. It’d been about half an hour since he’d thought about scrapping the idea of walking the whole way to Logan’s house, but he was too far from home now to turn back. He really did need a ride, but there’s no way he’d admit it to this guy.

“How do you know my name?” Virgil hugged his jacket closer to his body and tried at all costs to avoid looking up again at Roman.

“I know all the tech crew.” Virgil glanced up for just long enough to catch Roman’s proud smile.

“You know this isn’t how you get people to like you, right?” He dramatically rolled his eyes and stopped walking, forcing Roman to pull over if he wanted to continue the conversation.

“W-what?” Roman stopped the car abruptly out of shock before calming himself down quickly and pulling over to the side of the road.

“I know everyone likes you, and I don’t really understand why. I know you want to be friends with everyone, but I also know that I’m not one of those people. You don’t have to be nice to me and make small talk and offer me a ride just to trick me into thinking you like me.” He stared down at his feet and waited patiently for a response.

“I’m trying to help, you know.” Roman sounded slightly offended, but Virgil looked up to see a look of sympathy on his face.

“I’d really rather you didn’t, if I’m being completely honest. Quick acting like you’re going to tolerate me. Just go back to whatever you were doing before and let me walk in peace.”

“At least tell me where you’re going.”

“Why do you want to know.” Virgil snapped bitterly.

“I don’t know, I’m just curious.”

“I was going to walk to my best friend’s house,” He sighed and pulled his jacket closer again to hide his shivers. “But it got dark faster than I’d expected, and with that it ended up getting really cold. I’m not exactly prepared to be out in forty-degree weather.” He nodded down at his jacket. “But now I’m six miles from home and too far to turn back. I don’t even know if Logan will be awake by the time I get there, but yeah. I’m too far now to go back”

“Are you sure you don’t want a ride home? I don’t have anywhere to be, so it’s hardly an inconvenience.”

“Yeah, I’m sure.”

“But it’s-“

“Look, I just don’t want to go home. I want to be anywhere but there right now, okay?” He snapped. “I just… I’d rather freeze out here than go back there.” His voice died out as he spoke. If the streets hadn’t been so quiet, Roman might not have heard him. Virgil shuffled around awkwardly, and Roman leaned over and popped open the passenger side door with a sigh.

“Dude just get in.”

“I just told you that I don’t want to go-“

“You don’t have to go home. You can come hang out at my place until you want to go back.”

“What?” Virgil looked up at him in shock. This was the last thing he’d expected from this guy. He wanted him to just leave him alone and drive away. He wanted to just keep walking until he got lost and had to call Logan for a ride. He wanted to sit on his porch and wait for his brother to wake up and let him in because Logan wasn’t allowed to have friends over this late and had no choice but to take him home. He wanted a normal Friday night.

“You could be a murderer or something for all I know. I could be a murderer for all you know.” He had no reason to believe that Roman was being serious. There was no way that this conceited egotist was actually concerned.

Roman laughed and leaned back into the driver’s seat again. “Well I’m not a murderer, I can assure you of that. And if you’re a murderer then you really just gave yourself away. Now come on, I’ve got Mario Kart and bagel bites and I’m not leaving you alone until I know you’re someplace safe.”

After a moment of anxious consideration, Virgil slowly crawled into the car and closed the door. He didn’t take his eyes off of Roman the entire time. He had no idea if this guy was being genuine or not, so he had to be extra careful now that he was in a more vulnerable place.

“I’m not going to bite your head off, Virgil.” Roman said with a laugh as he started the car up again. “I just want to make sure you’re alright.”

“Yeah, okay.” Virgil mumbled. “I still don’t like you though.”

“Well that’s certainly no way to talk to your savior.”

“That’s pretty dramatic. I could’ve gotten to Logan’s without your help.”

“Well now you’re going to Roman’s house and getting Wii Sports and Nightmare Before Christmas on Blu-Ray.” He has a bright smile on his face as he pulled back onto the road.

“You have The Nightmare Before Christmas on Blu-Ray?” Maybe going over to his house wouldn’t be that bad.

“Hell yeah!” Roman laughed. “I’ve got the biggest Disney collection you’ll ever see, but I thought that one was worth mentioning due to your whole dark façade.”

“I guess that’s fair.” Virgil eased up slightly and let himself get more comfortable in the seat. Mario Kart and a Disney collection? How dangerous could this kid really be.

“And by the way, why exactly were you walking around in the city at midnight?”

“I told you, I was walking to Logan’s house”

“Yeah, I got that part, I meant why were you walking?”

“Well I can’t drive.” Virgil mumbled. He shrugged his shoulders up closer to himself and curled back into the seat.

“You’re seventeen, right?” Virgil nodded slowly. Roman continued with a confused expression. “Do you not have your license?”

Virgil shook his head. Roman was thankful for the quiet streets that were giving him opportunities to look over at Virgil for nonverbal responses. He also couldn’t help but be happy about the street lights that cast a soft yellow glow over Virgil’s face every few seconds

“Do you mind if I ask why?” Virgil seemed to tense up at that question, but he slowly shook his head. He was silent for a moment, and when he spoke it was barely above a whisper.

“Someone really close to me got into a pretty bad accident when I was learning how to drive. I don’t know, I guess it just spooked me out of the whole idea of driving.”

Roman nodded slowly, then returned a soft response. “I’m sorry for asking.”

“Nah, it’s not your fault.” Virgil finally looked up at him and smiled. “You didn’t do anything wrong. It was a harmless question.”

 Dammit Roman, you shouldn’t have asked. You probably look like a stalker. You’re going to freak him out and scare him away or something. So much for impressing him with the whole debonair physique, he probably thinks you’re a creep.

Roman racked his brain for something to say to cut the tension in the air, but nothing seemed appropriate. He switched on the radio to fill the silence, as not to make Virgil anymore anxious, and planned on keeping quiet for the rest of the drive. His plan shattered quickly, but he really couldn’t complain all that much. Virgil speaking was definitely better than whatever late night or early morning talk show he’d flipped the radio to.

“What’s your favorite Disney movie?” Virgil asked in a hushed voice. Everything about the way he said it seemed frail, almost like he was afraid to ask, but Roman picked up the soft hint of sincere curiosity.

“Oh there’s no way I could choose. I’ve never seen a Disney movie that I didn’t immediately love.”

“What about Peter Pan?”

“Wha-why wouldn’t I like Peter Pan?”

“Oh come on,” Virgil laughed “You know what I’m talking about.”

“Ok you can’t let that one scene define the entire movie!”

“I can and I will.” Virgil smiled. “I refuse to watch it just because of that scene.”

This, of course, started Roman into an entire spiel about how Virgil could just skip the racist Native American scene and how no Disney classic should be disrespected like this. As much as he hated to admit it, Virgil was actually enjoying listening to Roman complain. He spoke with passion, and something about it was enticing. That enjoyment ended the second Roman pulled his car into the driveway.

There weren’t any other cars, meaning that Roman’s parents probably weren’t home. This was good and bad for Virgil, but he couldn’t help but feel that the bad was overwhelming anything possibly good in the situation. While Virgil now wouldn’t have to have an awkward introduction to Roman’s parents, he did have to worry about whether he was intruding without their permission. Mostly though, he was worrying about being alone all night with some guy that he’d hardly even talked to until about twenty minutes ago. Roman hopped out of the car without hesitation, but waited in the driveway to see if Virgil followed.

“Are your parents home?” Virgil asked softly as he got out of the car. His voice was ringing in his ears against the silence of the night. Roman’s emitted a quick beep as he locked it, further shattering the illusion of peace in the cold air.

“Nah, they’re out of town. Don’t worry though, they don’t care if I have friends over.”

Virgil only nodded in response, as he cautiously followed Roman to the front door. Roman’s keys jingling as he unlocked the door was making Virgil’s head pound. Every little sound pushed his anxiety one step closer to crashing.

“Bienvenido a la casa de Principe.” Roman said with a dramatic swoosh of his arm as he flung the door open. Virgil’s jaw nearly dropped at the house. It wasn’t exactly a mansion, but it was definitely bigger than any house he’d been into before. In front of him was a large living room with high ceilings. The entire back wall was covered in windows that reached from the floor almost all the way up to the ceiling. To his right was a dining room with an elegant grand piano tucked into the corner. Between the living room and dining room was two staircases. One led down to the basement, and the other led up to a loft full of couches that Virgil assumed was probably Roman’s hang out space. A giant white dog came bounding through the living room and flung itself onto Roman.

“Ah yes, this is Khan,” Roman said through a laugh as he leaned down to let the dog lick his face. “He’s a Samoyed, and he’s our mighty guard dog.”

Virgil immediately jumped back out of shock. Roman noticed and grabbed Khan’s collar to keep him from hopping up to greet him.

“I can put the baby gate up to keep him upstairs so he doesn’t bother us if you want. Sorry, I didn’t even think about that you could be afraid of dogs.” Roman scratched around Khan’s ears and tried to calm him down.

Virgil cautiously held his hand out to the dog, but smiled when Khan licked it excitedly and tried to run forward again to greet him.

“I think I’ll be alright. He doesn’t seem that scary.” He patted him on the head before Khan sprinted off to jump up onto the couch.

“Alright, so what do you want to do? I’ve got a whole case of Disney movies, a Wii, the best dog in the world- Khan!” Roman kicked off his shoes and ran through the house, sliding onto the living room carpet to tackle the dog into a hug on the couch. Virgil nervously toed off his boots and followed Roman.

As he walked further into the house, he noticed an enormous kitchen to the right of the living room. He also looked up and got a better view of the loft to see a door with a sign the simply read “Princey”. He smiled at the little crown design on it before bringing his attention back to the living room.

Feeling a little more at ease now, Virgil sat down next to Roman and his dog on the couch. Roman sat up and let Khan lay his head on his lap.

“Alright. Back on track, what do you want to do?” He kept one hand on Khan’s head and with the other picked up the remote and turned on the TV. Not surprisingly, it was already on Disney. It was now nearly one in the morning. Virgil was awake and alert due to his anxiety from the new situation, but Roman, for some strange reason, was even more active than him. It led Virgil to wonder whether Roman ever actually slept at all, or if he was just one big ball of constant energy.

“Like I said earlier, I’ve got quite a few videogames and a pretty big Disney collection, or we can make some food if you’re hungry. Actually, I guess it’s like one in the morning, so I wouldn’t be offended really if you just wanted to go to sleep so you can get this over with and leave ASAP.” Roman continued to absentmindedly pet Khan, but turned his head again to gauge Virgil’s reactions to his suggestions. As much as he hated the idea, he really was getting increasingly more nervous about possibly scaring Virgil. As far as Roman knew, the only place Virgil seemed completely comfortable was in the tech booth behind the stage.

“I don’t want to be a buzzkill and say I want to go to sleep, but I’m pretty sure that if you put on a movie I’ll be out in like half an hour or less.” Virgil shrugged. Nothing really sounded like a completely safe option to him, but not too much could go wrong with watching a movie.

“If you want, we can bring a bunch of pillows and blankets down here so we can watch a movie and you can just go to sleep whenever you want.” Roman suggested.

“Yeah… that sounds good.” Virgil nodded slowly. He still wasn’t completely comfortable sleeping in this guy’s house, but he’d guessed that by now there really wasn’t much that could go wrong. Roman genuinely seemed like he was trying to help, and if he wanted to murder him he probably would’ve done it by now.

“Alright,” He hoisted himself up off of the couch. “There’s a closet full of blankets right next to my room in the loft, so we can grab pillows from my room and blankets from there.”

Roman’s room was just about everything that Virgil had expected it to be. Three walls were covered mostly by an ashy blue color. The forth, the wall closest to Roman’s bed, was an enormous mural of a scene from Tangled. It showed Flynn and Rapunzel on the water with the city behind them and lanterns lighting up the night sky around them. The mural spread onto part of the ceiling and the corner of the next wall.

The floor was littered with stacks of paper and various craft supplies. Across from the door was a slightly less cluttered desk. A MacBook sat in the center, and the wall directly behind it was covered in colorful sticky notes. Virgil assumed that this was probably Roman’s primary work space. It was all one giant mess, but it was one giant creative mess.

Roman ran over and flopped onto his unmade bed before rolling over and grabbing an armful of pillows off of the unorganized lump of blankets. Virgil looked back over at the mural, completely awed by the detail.

 “Like the mural?” Virgil nodded slowly, keeping his eyes on it. Roman took advantage of the moment and let a smile settle on his face again as he watched Virgil study the painting. A bookshelf covered part of the right side, and his bed, being only a couple feet from the wall, covered part of the left, but most of the mural was still visible.

“It was my friend Patton’s idea. You know Patton Bon?” Virgil shook his head. Roman smiled and went on to explain. “He comes to all of our plays. Cool dude, super friendly. I’m surprised he’s never tried to talk to you. I think all he cares about in life is having as many friends as possible. Well we moved all of my furniture and painted it the summer after freshman year.”

“You… you painted that?” Virgil gave him an astonished look.

“Yeah!” Roman’s smile grew again. He sat up and crossed his legs, setting the pillows aside. He gestured for Virgil to come sit with him. Virgil walked over cautiously and sat on the edge of the bed, as far away as he could get from Roman.

“Patton painted the sky, the water, the boat and a few of the lanterns.” He pointed as he explained. “He made me do everything else though. He said he wasn’t much of a detail person and was worried about messing the other parts up.”

Virgil’s eyes scanned over the mural again before looking over at Roman.

“That’s awesome. I can’t believe your parents let you do it.” He smiled as he started to relax again.

“Well, actuallyyy…” Roman trailed, glancing over to the other wall to avoid Virgil’s eyes.

“You didn’t ask your parents?!” He flung his legs up onto the bed to sit cross legged and leaned toward Roman. Screw any anxiety Virgil had had, this was too interesting for him to not ask questions.

“In all honesty, no. We knew it would take a lot of time to make, so we waited until they were out of town. Then we moved all of the furniture away from the wall and slept downstairs until it was finished. My dad was a little bit annoyed at first that I hadn’t asked first, but my mom couldn’t have cared less. She said as long as it’s good enough that we don’t have to paint over it if we move, then she doesn’t care.”

“How long did it take?”

“The background took a day, and the castle was two. The boat, lanterns, and characters were done piece by piece along the way, but we did most of the work on them on a separate day. So about four or five days.” He beamed with pride now as he gathered up the pillows and slid to the edge of the bed.

“Wait, this is a weird question, but can I take a picture of it? It’s just that that’s one of the coolest things I’ve ever seen.” Virgil asked awkwardly. Roman’s response instantly made him regret asking. His mouth dropped open and he stared at Virgil in stunned silence.

“Wh- really?” He was blushing like crazy, but Virgil assumed it was nothing but embarrassment. “Or, I mean, yeah. Yeah of course! Do you want me to move the furniture so you can get the whole thing?”

Roman chill, Roman chill, Roman C H I L L. You’re fine. It’s fine. This is fine. Not intimidating. Just a picture. You’re a good artist, this shouldn’t be that surprising! Chill.

“Nah it’s fine. I doubt you really have space to move the furniture anyway” Virgil smirked and raised his eyebrows at Roman’s messy floors. He slid off the bed and pulled out his phone, snapping a quick picture before holding his hand out to help Roman up.

“That’s done, now let’s get some blankets and start this Disney marathon.” He tilted his head slightly and smiled at Roman. Roman’s face burned even redder. He grabbed the pillows and then took Virgil’s hand. Virgil quickly hefted him up off the bed. Roman, in his dazed state, nearly fell from shock as soon as his feet hit the ground. Virgil jumped back and set his hands on Roman’s shoulders to steady him. Despites his efforts to help, this only made Roman more flustered. Virgil accidently let out a laugh upon seeing his stunned expression.

He’s just being friendly. This is what friends do. Just chill out. Dammit Roman stop being so gay. This is f i n e.

“You good, Roman?” He leaned over to get at eye level with Roman, who at this point had resorted to resting his hands on his knees and staring at the floor. Virgil laughed unapologetically this time as he tapped his knuckles lightly on the top of Roman’s head. “All the lights on up there?”

Roman snapped up to attention. He shook his head before turning to pick up the pillows and rushing out the door to get the blankets.

“Just peachy! Now come on, let’s get some blankets!” He yelled nervously as he fled from his bedroom. Virgil took one last look at the mural before following him out.

That was weird. Maybe he just doesn’t get complimented on his art often or something. But that’s got to be impossible-

Virgil’s train of thought was interrupted as soon as he stepped out of the room. Roman threw a blanket at him and nearly managed to knock him over.

“Wh-hey!” Virgil stumbled back, hitting the railing and nearly falling down the stairs. “Be nice!” He laughed as he chucked the blanket back. Roman picked his pillows up off the floor and dropped them over the railing. Almost all of them landed in the middle of the sectional, much to Khan’s apparent distress.

Roman, seemingly back to his cheery self, dropped the last few blankets into the living room. He leaned over the railing and called an apology to his vexed puppy before hopping down the stairs back into the living room.

“Do you want a thicker blanket or will this do?” Roman asked as he sorted the pillows and blankets into two piles.

“I’d prefer a heavier one, if you have one down here already.” Virgil picked at his hoodie sleeves as he watched Roman organize. “If you don’t though that’s ok.”

“I don’t think I brought one down here. I usually sleep with the fan on when I’m down here, but actually I guess we can just leave it off if you’re worried about getting cold…” He looked up to see Virgil standing awkwardly by the couch.

“No it just, um… It’s ok. I don’t need one.” He shrugged, shifting his gaze down to the floor.

“I can go grab one if you need me to, it’s no big deal.”

“No, it’s um… I don’t need one…” His brows furrowed together as he glanced back up at Roman. “It just… kinda makes me less anxious.” He shrugged again and crossed his arms across his body, pulling his jacket closer to himself.

“Oh!” Roman smiled. He hopped over the back of the couch near the stairs and headed up to grab a different blanket. “That’s no big deal. Whatever makes you feel more comfortable.”

He ran into his room and grabbed the Lion King comforter off of his bed and dropped it onto the couch with the other blankets. Virgil shuffled over and sat down on the clear section of the couch, patting the cushion next to him to encourage Khan to sit with him. Khan hopped up and laid down next to him, resting his head on Virgil’s legs.

Roman bounced down the stairs again and headed over to a large bookshelf full of movie cases. Virgil assumed that this was probably the prided Disney collection. Roman grabbed a case and turned his head to glance at Virgil and Khan as he slid a movie into the DVD player.

“I think he likes you.” He smiled.

“Really?” Virgil looked down at Khan, who already looked like he was half asleep in the boy’s lap.

“Yeah, he seems pretty comfy. How dare you steal the affection of my most loyal and trustworthy knight?” He rolled onto the blanket pile on the other half of the couch and laid his head on Khan’s flank.

“Not my choice, he just likes me better.” Virgil chuckled. He reached over Khan and pulled a blanket out from the pile under Roman, rolling him off of the couch.

“Hey, rude! Oh, wait, here’s the comforter.” He tossed the orange and red sunrise blanket at Virgil.

“Right, thanks.” Virgil took off his hoodie and dropped it on the floor next to the couch before pulling his legs up to chest and curling up in the blanket. He dropped the smaller blanket on top of his hoodie, then settled again and let Khan rest his head on his lap again.

“If my dog abandons me to sleep with you, I’m kicking you out.” Roman laughed. He pressed play, then rolled himself up in his own blanket and rested his head on Khan again. The two boys settled and fell quiet as the first chords of This is Halloween softly filled the room around them.

[everyoneisgay]

Honest Mixtape: I Carry Your Heart with Me by Alyse Knorr

Welcome to May’s “Honest Mixtape”! Every month we will feature a new writer who will tackle one of your advice questions with words *and* music!

“I am in a long distance relationship and sometimes I only get to see my girlfriend one weekend per month. Her best friend lives closer and sees her multiple times per week. How can I work on not being jealous that she gets to spend more time with her than I do? Also, how can I just be better at long distance?! It’s so hard.”

Alyse Says:

Thanks so much for your question! I completely understand how difficult long-distance relationships can be. Shortly after we got hitched, my wife and I had to spend a year and a half living in different states, visiting about once a month. It’s tough, but I wouldn’t trade it for anything. I honestly think that our time apart made our relationship much stronger and healthier.

Let’s start with your question about jealousy. There are two different types of jealousy you might be feeling in this situation, so I’ll address both. The first kind of jealousy is the kind where you’d be jealous of anyone who gets to see your girlfriend—her best friend, her co-workers, her cat, the cashier at the grocery store—because you love her so much and wish that you could see her, too! That kind of “jealous” is more connected to a feeling of longing, which is a totally natural way to feel when your sweetie lives far away.

The other type of jealousy is dicier. If you find that you’re only jealous of your girlfriend’s best friend, and not anyone else your girlfriend sees, then you might want to consider why you feel that way. Are you suspicious or distrusting of this friend? Is there something about their friendship in particular that makes you uneasy? This kind of jealousy is connected to uglier roots, like insecurity and fear. And it can do really bad damage to a relationship, since relationships are built on trust and fail without it.  

If you’re jealous of your girlfriend’s best friend because you don’t trust them together, then you need to think hard about why that is and how you might be able to work past it on your own. Because if your girlfriend has to feel guilty every time she sees her best friend, or has to feel like she must choose between making you feel jealous and sad vs. seeing her best friend when she wants to, then after awhile this could build into resentment. Especially because she may be seeing her best friend so much because she misses you and being around her best pal cheers her up!

When my wife and I were apart, we both saw our friends way more than we would have if we were still living together, in large part because we were both a little lonely, and also just because we each had more time on our hands. And guess what? It was so good for us. We grew as individuals and could therefore grow together in our relationship. By nurturing friendships and staying focused on our own separate lives, we practiced independence, which made us both stronger people. This, in turn, made our relationship stronger, too! It’s kind of like if Batman and Robin both started working out and practicing their ninja skills separately—it’s not going to detract from their Dynamic Duo crime-fighting chemistry one bit. It’s just going to make them a stronger team.

So with all that out of the way, let’s talk some more about long-distance relationships. By far the most helpful tip I can offer is to encourage you to shift your perspective about this time apart. When my wife and I first began our LDR period, I was bummed. I knew I’d miss her so much, and I’d been living with her already for five years—how was I going to adjust? But then I started to focus more on why we were spending time apart—for her to follow her passion and begin a PhD program in poetry and for me to follow mine and start a teaching job at my dream school. When I focused on that, I couldn’t be sad we were apart—only joyful that my wife was doing what made her happiest in the world, and proud of her for going for it.

You can also reframe all this in your mind by focusing on how great an opportunity this is for you both to grow individually in exciting ways. Change is a good thing, not something to be afraid of. Remember that old saying that “Real gold is not afraid of the test of fire.” You have nothing to worry about here. Your love is real, and it’s awesome, and so is this time in your life and relationship.

Second (and related) biggest tip: stay in touch regularly and consistently, but not constantly. Live your own life and respect your girlfriend’s independence by letting her live hers. Try not to be clingy or controlling; again, stay positive and see this as a time of independent growth for you both—growth that will ultimately make your relationship as strong as Batman and Robin’s.

Here are a few other quick tips:

Have some kind of ultimate plan and/or end date in mind for when your time apart will be over. It’s way easier than thinking you’ll be apart indefinitely.

Likewise, always know when you’ll see each other next for an in-person visit. It gives you something to look forward to. Cute-barf alert: I gave my wife a jar and always kept it full of Hershey’s Kisses equal to the amount of days left till we’d see each other again—a kiss a day. Pinterest has lots of other pretty adorable LDR ideas if you’re into that kind of thing. Also, if she has roommates (or maybe that best friend of hers?), they can be great co-conspirators on cute surprises you can pull off while you’re away.  

Be clear on ground rules and expectations. How often do you each want to be called or texted during the day? Do you always want a goodnight call? That kind of thing. This will avoid a lot of arguments.

Do things together, especially Skype dates. Watch the same movie at the same time (you can use a program called Rabbit to share a screen), be in a book club together, have dinner together—be creative! There’s also an amazing app called Couple (and a bunch of other good ones, too) that lets you do “thumb kisses” where you can kind of virtually touch each other.

I also recommend being “Skype roommates” if you’re both hanging out at your homes at the same time. Just have each other open on Skype and be “together” without even needing to talk. I found that if I was folding clothes in the bedroom and had my wife on Skype in the living room while I talked to her, it gave a pretty believable impression that she was really just in the next room over!

Send handwritten letters in the mail. Send postcards. Send little gifts. Send care packages. These are your opportunity to be physically there with your partner in some small way.

My brilliant friend Rosie and I made this mixtape for you to listen to while you’re pining for your sweetie. Music is so good for these kinds of feels. While you’re listening, keep in mind e.e. cummings’ beautiful reminder that even when you’re apart, you’re always with the one you love: “I carry your heart with me (I carry it in my heart).” Good luck, friend! I’m with you all the way.

Alyse Knorr is the author of Mega-City Redux, Copper Mother, Annotated Glass, Super Mario Bros. 3, and two chapbooks of poetry. Her work has appeared in Alaska Quarterly Review, The Greensboro Review, and Hayden’s Ferry Review, among others. She is an assistant professor of English at Regis University and co-editor of Switchback Books. 

Rose Campbell is a public historian at Regis University in Denver. Her work focuses on war experience and how narratives about war are constructed and conveyed. She also researches and writes about Colorado’s music history as a consultant for the History Colorado Center. She received her M.A. in History in 2017 and is currently pursuing her MFA at Regis.

Cover Art designed by the incredible Isabella Rotman!

[smollandtoll]

HC: Open relationships are complicated when someone gets pregnant (OT3)

We like OT3 mostly because we can’t bear to just erase Nikita, also because Anna is smokin hot and we Get It. Even fic Geno would be so sad about it. We theorize a lot about THE PERFECT FIC where Sid and Geno’s relationship is always kind of wobbly and open because like We aren’t gay really so much as chronically monogamous and into each other and It would be career suicide to lock it down openly, and I’m so glad we’re on the same page.

(We fully acknowledge that it probably wouldn’t actually be career suicide now (...probably) but like back when they were little penguin babies before the days of You Can Play, it was; and those things are hard to unlearn or let go of)

So, anyway, Geno hangs out with Anna over the summers/they’ve been friends for a few years and when he goes back to Russia the open nebulous thing with Sid is really easy because they just have their separate lives and come back together in the season and everything is great.

Except Anna comes back with him to visit one fall and pregnancy just happens accidentally as it does (and did ...probably). There’s no real reason to panic, everyone is an adult with a (really well paying) job and time and money to spare. Most of all Anna and Geno sit down and both WANT that baby and that life together.

So Anna knows all about the on again off again relationship G has with Sid, because we firmly believe they are actually very good friends and have a healthy communicative relationship. So she definitely secretly thinks the two of them together are super hot.

Sid unfortunately does not speak Russian and doesn’t get 100% of this open communication so consequently gets all weird and irrationally jealous because Geno brings Anna to the states and sets her up in his house and goes to her doctors appointments, and talks about getting married because she needs a visa to stay in the states and being married makes hers a condition of his and it's ‘the right thing to do’, ‘babies parents should be married’ and he loves her he truly does etc etc.

But there is DEFINITELY some translation issues because Geno is probably too busy swinging wildly between OVERJOYED and TERRIFIED to explain (to both of them) that he fully expects Sid to co-parent with them.

Of course to make matters worse Anna is SUPER intimidated by Sid - he and Geno have so much history? And have this working relationship that she can never fully understand? - so her natural reaction to that is to act cool and collected and ABOVE IT ALL. In reality of course she's terrified.

She doesn't understand anything in this new backwards country and she can't even eat what she wants any more and Geno spends like 70% of his time with the most beautiful and talented and sweet man who shares his deep and unrivalled love for hockey so she is quietly freaking out.

Sid is freaking out quietly because Geno went and found everything that Sid Is Not and is now talking about putting a ring on it and he's like "Okay I guess I'm just yesterday's trash, that's cool, I always knew that, I guess my trophies will keep me warm." He probably gets VIGOROUSLY CANADIAN for a bit trying to comfort himself.

TL;DR: Everyone is quietly freaking out but acting like everything is Chill™.

Geno is the only one who is genuinely happy, if not puzzled. He keeps like trying to set up dinner dates and trying to getting the dating game going between them all and being confused about why Sid and Anna barely talk to each other when he's not in their immediate vicinity.

He knows that they'll end up best friends who gang up on him about everything. It’s so obviously to him that their personalities will be a good match and like they'll like each other and be scorching hot together ...and like throw a baby in there for them all to adore???

ENDLESS BLISS AHEAD the blinking exit ramp signs say, but for some reason he can't get anyone to take the exit with him.

It's only getting more complicated by the month, because Anna is getting like super visibly pregnant, and everyone knows she's staying with him indefinitely, and the word is spreading and pretty soon the media is going to catch on to what’s happening and by then keeping Sid on the same page is going to get slippery and awful.

He’s already just starting to get more and more intentionally distant, gracefully excusing himself and offering to babysit other teammates kids and having dinner at Mario's instead of with them and such. He's doing the Jon Snow Right Thing™ and manfully bowing out.

Leaving voicemails like : ...Sorry everything is really piling up. The season, eh? But you seem happy!! Keep it up, I’m so pleased for you, G!

Geno starting to really have had enough of it just like GET YOUR LUDICROUSLY PERFECT BUTT BACK HERE I WANNA SEE ANNA'S TEETH MARKS IN IT YESTERDAY.

Meanwhile Sid whenever even remotely cornered rambles like, I'll give you the best best-man speech, I promise, G. I'm really happy for you *FEELS HEART TEARING IN TWO WHILE SAYING IT*

Is silently pining Sid a thing for us? It is definitely a thing for us.

Anna gets on board with team OT3 with Geno first because she's the smart one obviously. Maybe Geno gets home drunk post-win one day and they’re on a couch with Geno’s head in her lap and he can hide his face in her belly and haltingly explain what he’s kind of been thinking. And once it starts making sense, some of the insecurities about Sid can start to dissolve. Also pregnancy has lowered her already fairly low threshold for dealing with Hockey-Player-flavoured Bullshit - she definitely knows she can only put up with Geno’s moods for so long, and him being so mopey about Sid is only making him even more annoying. She’s really starting to see the appeal of having another person she can tag off with, because Zhenya in a mood is a 6′4+ snappish thundercloud.

Anna: He's been dealing with your drama for a decade, Zhenya, we need him so my pregnant hormones don't force me to murder you. So, how are we gonna do this?

The only solution is basically one step short of tying Sid to a chair and forcibly explain the joys of polyamory to him. But like, you have to ease into things like that if you’re a normal person who wants a successful relationship (Anna). So she gets on board with them all mutually dating, and they start inviting Sid over to hang more. When Anna thaws Sid definitely starts to thaw as well, feeling like he’s welcome to hang out with them and Anna clearly knows he and Geno used to be a thing - they’re still familiar with each other all the time. Maybe a little more than Sid is strictly always comfortable with, with Anna watching them like that. But like, it seems like they want him around and he still does care a lot and Sid is a Good Friend™. So it continues like that for a few more months.

At some point Anna double checked with G like “...You did tell him he's supposed to be dating us right? It sometimes seems like he's trying to gently let you down?” and Geno replying indignantly with, “HE WOULD NEVER THINK THAT OF COURSE HE KNOWS US THREE ARE ENDGAME.” He somehow has completely lost the plot and didn't realize Sid didn't know he was part of the relationship at all.

We’re fairly certain it boils down to after the baby is born, Anna's like "I desperately need a bath and a nap and I don't trust either of you alone with my baby yet, so you must be together."

Sid: But I'm not-"

Geno: Hey is my baby too!

Anna just like SHUSHES them and hands them that lil teeny baby and then gives them both kisses and leaves.

Sid: I think your wife is actually losing it, she kissed both of us, not just you.

Geno would just turn to him with giant hands full of tiny baby, full of heartbroken confusion “You don't want to be WITH US ANY MORE????”

Then they devolve into whisper shouting to not disturb Anna/Nikita

Geno (paraphrased): OF COURSE SHE KISSED YOU. YOU ARE PART OF THIS FAMILY. YOU HELPED US MAKE THIS NURSERY SO BEAUTIFUL. YOU STILL HAVE A DRAWER OF CLOTHES, I WAS GONNA ASK YOU TO MOVE IN PERMANENTLY TO MAKE IT EASIER FOR YOU TO BE WITH NIKITA MORE OFTEN.

So then Sid realizes he’s actually been completely enwrapped into their relationship for months. Like none of the other guys even think its weird any more that he and G ride to and from the rink together. He hasn’t seen the inside of his own house in weeks. Anna’s moans a fews weeks ago when he was rubbing her feet were pornographic and he wasn’t imagining it that she was disappointed when he pulled away (probably to hide a mild chub).

BONUS:

Also we kind of love the idea that G and Anna are low key high key worried that their beautiful baby boy isn't going to learn English right with just them around and struggle in American school, but also he’ll be American and struggle culturally in Russia. Like they are settled in Pittsburgh and have no immediate plans to leave, their kid is gonna go to kindergarten not speaking proper english and be bullied or something!

Which is ridiculous, but like the kind of absurd thing you think about when you have a squishy jelly bag that relies on you for everything and you are two individuals who cannot master grammar.

So they're like "If Sid isn't there, he's going to end up speaking English badly and STRUGGLE." which is unbearable to think about so they keep Sid around, they tease him, just for his English skills.

[rumongray]

Eh.

As of late, that’s been...how I’ve been describing how I’ve been feeling. “Eh.”

I’m going to be up front here, I...haven’t been feeling well, emotionally, in the last few months. I’ve been obfuscating it in different ways. Being “active” when my “activity” was a hollow front. Smiling at things because I knew it made others happy, made them believe I meant it. I suppose I could chalk that up to tact, and good social graces, but the point of this is to be...honest.

Before I start, before people worry, a few things.

--I’m doing okay financially, not in a bad way or anything. --I’m not in any serious danger of any sort. --I’m physically, logically okay.

Where I’m at...let’s call it Death by a Thousand Cuts.

The purpose of writing this all out, admitting it, is to see it in writing for myself, while also explaining myself to you guys. Again, to be honest.

I have some serious insecurities that I wish I didn’t have. I’ve mentioned these things before, these...holes in that wall that keep the water from rushing in. Fear of abandonment, fear of being...ignored, fear of being boring... Fear of ostracization, which takes its form in many ways. I know that like...99.9% of the events that cause this kind of hurt...cause those holes in the wall to crack even more, are either unintentional, or just plain non-existent because of me overthinking things. Another problem of mine.

So over the last few months, whether they knew it or not, people were setting their chisels against the wall, and sometimes they caused more cracks, or sometimes they created new breaches entirely. That cold water seeped in, and before I knew it...I was in over my head.

I hit a pretty dark moment. I’ll get to that in a bit.

So what where these events? A number of things. I’ve pretty much transitioned from Discord to Telegram. I’m still on Discord, just...don’t talk much there I suppose.

And on Telegram, I joined a number of awesome groups of people with similar interests. Furry stuff, local communities and the like, a great chat for Scalies, it’s overall been a pretty positive experience. I met some amazing new friends on there!

But then there are days when it just...I dunno how to explain. I like to think of these groups as big...parties. And sometimes people will all be hanging out, chatting, and I’ll try to speak up, or ask something, or poke someone to say hi, and get...no response. And the thing is, I’ll try again, and again and again, and get no response...and it’s after like...9 tries that I start to wonder if I’m invisible or something. I’m not talking like “whoops it got lost in the scrolling,” I mean when I try many...MANY times. To the point where it seems like something is truly wrong.

...I also want to interject here and also admit that this part here? This bit of admission? I also feel so goddamn stupid for feeling it the way I do, because logically, I know there are simple answers to it, but my brain’s a goddamn idiot and wants shit to have a deeper meaning or some shit like that.

So yeah. My mood around these groups seemed to bounce up and down. One day I’m happy, chatting with friends, being all chipper and excited and hype! The next I’m just...down, and people are just chatting on, going on without me, and it just...ugh. It bugged the shit out of me. That constant climb and fall...I almost think it takes more of a toll on a person than staying in the middle. It’s like taking really deep breaths, in order to breathe it all out as hard as you can, then taking another deep breath in. It leads to hyperventilation, it fucks up your circulation and rhythm.

Then we have work, which...yeah.

At a point, I was working pretty much overtime every week. Get this...I trained -THREE- people how to close the store in my specific position. Three.

Then a week later, all three of them went to the management. “Uh...we can’t close, we have school.”

All of them. They all individually did this.

...

So I was doing overtime, closing every single day. Great for my wallet! ...not so much my free time or sanity. If you ever wondered “how could Ken stay at that job for so long?!”

Well the answer was job security. I have my own apartment, after all, which to some might not be much, but to others it might be the whole world. So I put up with the exceptionally rude and thoughtless customers, the management that doesn’t seem like it entirely gives a shit...among other things. I put up with it because I -can- endure it, for the most part, and it keeps a roof over my head.

On top of that were the ever-present nagging little fears, worries, and doubts. I’m 35 and work at a goddamn restaurant with no real career experience in anything more worthwhile, no college degree, nothing. I’m pushing toward 40 with a minimal amount of sexual experiences that I just recently started feeling a deep sense of regret and loss for.

And fuck...I’ll just admit it, I’m fuckin’ lonely. I miss so many things from the previous years. Voice chatting with people while Tomis makes funny doodles from the conversation, or talking about things with Sinquest and getting pumped up to work on stuff in that world! Everything just...fractured, and I feel like sometimes I watched all the pieces fall apart while I stood there, stunned.

So...between that and my limited free time spent on emotionally hyperventilating, I suppose it was only a matter of time before something broke the walls down. And like a lot of these sorts of things, it was something completely stupid.

A local group of furs that I’ve become a part of, they decided to all have a meetup out at a restaurant. But thing is, these things happen quite often, but they’re usually nothing too special or big. For some reason, this day, -everybody- decided to go. ...I found out about it about...five minutes before it started. I asked for a ride of some kind, got no response or “well we’re kinda already here” and the like. And it just...fucked me up. I just don’t know what it was, I think it was the idea of people not wanting to spend five minutes for a pickup, or just...I dunno. I found out later that even -more- of my friends went, friends who weren’t actually in the group, but were invited through PM’s and that kinda sealed the deal for me.

So i went to a dark place. I just kinda crawled into bed and sat there. I lay there for the entire day off that I had. I just glanced at my phone, bitter and angry, and at the same time guilty and ashamed at being bitter and angry at something that was innocuous and benign. Something that wasn’t “worth” being angry at, but there I was all the same. I felt like my chest was made of iron, weighing me down.

I started having thoughts like “...why do I bother getting out of bed at all? Why the fuck do I go to work? Why the fuck to I pay bills? What the fuck do I get from all this bullshit?“

It took me a couple of days to realize that it was the closest thing to a suicidal thought that I’d had since...well...maybe I’ll tell that story someday.

So I’d hit a sort of “bottom” I suppose. I was already headed there, honestly. I could see the signs before that day was even a blip on the radar. I had fallen off of my workout routine. I almost stopped playing games, I started losing interest in things that weren’t streams or Youtube. Not just for a couple of days, but every SINGLE day. Writing? Pfft, nope. Couldn’t force it if I tried.

“...Eh.”

My motivation was shot. It still is, but it’s clearly gotten at least better, since I’m taking the time to write all this out.

So why didn’t I really say anything sooner?

The answer is pretty simple: I was bitter. Very bitter. The kind of bitterness that taints the world around you, gives everything a...change in its color. I -knew- how I would react to the responses to this back then. I would smile a little, but then I’d start having those “they’re only saying it out of pity,” or some such nonsense. Ugly, sick feelings that weren’t true at all, but my perception would color them in such a way. It would be ugly and downright sinister.

And none of you deserve that. So I decided to hide it until I got to a place where I was comfortable in sharing.

Today.

Today I’m a little better, yes, but I’m nowhere near out of the woods. I managed to finally surface for a breath, and now I have to try to find the ways to solve the problem, to overcome and start getting back to treading water. To start putting that wall back up and make it stronger, somehow.

I had all these things I wanted to work on and get finished before the end of the year, but I don’t think they’ll be completed by then. I think the month of December will have to be for recovery and recuperation, loathe as I am to admit it. I hate feeling lazy, but I think it’s what I need to do right now. Honestly I think it would be for the best.

But to close this out, I want to focus on some of the positive things that occurred to me, or happened over the last few months.

--After sharing some of my writing with these groups I previously mentioned? I’ve had three separate people asking me if I took commissions. This meant the goddamn world to me, because as much as I’ve been wanting to open myself up to the idea, I’ve also had those nagging doubts that it wouldn’t be very...lucrative and that I wouldn’t get many takers.

--I met some amazing new friends through these groups, who have done some incredibly nice things for me. From Mero actually adding me to a commission of his for my birthday (HERE! :D), To Senjin-Seadog for showing me their writing, private or not. My friend Gyro wanting to hang out and we end up playing almost all of Super Mario Odyssey in one night, giggling. My buddy Eric coming over so we can watch The Room. (Oh Tommy Wiseau, you brought so much unintentional joy, ha-ha-ha) And on top of that, all the amazing people I’ve had heart-to-heart chats with over the last few months,

--Managed to have a chance to sit down with my restaurant manager about problems i’ve noticed, and holy shit he actually listened to me about a lot of them, and I’ve seen some serious improvements.

--I’m doing decently well as far as finances goes. Because of all that overtime, my bank account is a little bit padded, even after that recent money scare I had with my dad accidentally taking money of my account. (Paid back now thankfully.) On top of that, I was able to get approved for state food benefits again, which is another bit of help that I needed, which was taken away from me for stupid reasons.

--I’m slowly getting interest back in things that I previously mentioned that I had lost. I’m still not back on my workout routine, but I’m crawling back, little by little each day, and I’m sure I’ll get back there in time.

--I truly do believe that I’m very slowly getting better.

--I have amazing friends.

So where do I go from here? Well for starters, I’ve been writing a daily (private) journal of the day’s experiences, how they made me feel, and I’m trying to dissect why they make me feel that way. I’m making a more concerted effort to temper my emotions with logic, so that my mind doesn’t start immediately looking toward the dark corners.

I’ve also put the things I want to do into a list, both on my desktop as a text file and as a handwritten list, to cement these things, make them tangible in a way, in order to try to kick-start my motivation back into gear.

I’m also learning to forgive myself if I don’t do something in a particular day. Like I said, I’m taking this month to recuperate, there’s no sense in blaming myself for being “lazy,” as that would just be shooting myself in the foot.

Whew.

This went on exceptionally long, sorry about that. If you made it this far, I appreciate it, and know that I love you, and all of my friends dearly. I don’t have anything else to really add I suppose. That heavy feeling is still in my chest, I still feel like I’m under the waves, and that I’m still recovering from my emotional hyperventilation. I’m still...”eh.”

But hopefully that will get better.

Thank you for your support. Take care of yourselves.

--Lizard Dad

[geeky90-blog]

Celeste: A Review

 Surprise! I forgot to review Mirror’s Edge. Work’s been really hard on me lately, and so I’ve been struggling to find time for my hobbies except for some quick bursts of gaming. 

I’ve spent the last week and a half/two weeks playing through Celeste, an Indie Platformer by MattMakesGames on my Switch. Last night after many tries and roughly 27 hours poured into the game, I’m happy to say I completed all 24 of its levels and am floored by this game. Hit the jump below to see my thoughts.

Title: Celeste Platform(s): Nintendo Switch, Playstation 4, Xbox One, PC, Mac, Linux MSRP: $19.99 Total Playtime: 28 Hours (Roughly) Status: Main Story Completed, All Levels Completed, ~100 strawberries collected.

Read on below my friends. 

For those that aren’t aware, Celeste is a game that was developed out of a small scale project that turned into a full game. (The original game is actually playable online for free, here: https://mattmakesgames.itch.io/celesteclassic) Players play as Madeline, a young woman with the drive and desire to climb Celeste Mountain, a mysterious mountain that features multiple breath-taking sights, including an abandoned city, a ghastly hotel, and spikes.... tons and tons of spikes. 

The premise is simple enough to hook you in, but the actual story, while not as expansive or in-depth as many of our AAA games today, does... well, it does really well with its subtlety, symbolism, and of course letting fans interpret Madeline’s journey. (More on that in a bit)

Graphics-wise, the game bases itself somewhat on old retro titles, more towards the SNES/16-bit era, while the music keeps a nice synth-retro style to go along with it as well. Fitting, considering how the game originally got its start as a retro game made on a retro (imaginary) console. Aesthetically it fits, and the game’s beautiful backgrounds, details, and more truly shine on any screen.

Gameplay is one of the true highlights of this game. Similar to Super Meat Boy, I Wanna Be the Guy, and other titles in that nature, this game is designed to be hard, precise, and brutally unforgiving at times. While there are some instances of RNG, for the most part success or failure is based upon the player’s skill and reflexes. This is pretty refreshing for the most part, as sometimes RNG can become a bit too common place or critical in the world of gaming. (I’m looking at you, Pokemon!)  You can run, wall-jump, dash, and that’s about it. But where the game starts to shine is the difficulty and precision moves you must make in order to be successful. Each jump, dash, and wall-jump truly matters. One wrong move can find you falling to your doom, getting impaled on a bed of spikes, or getting crushed by a laughing block.  Each step and failure you make along the way allows you to learn the game and master its mechanics. One of the most satisfying moments for this game for me was finally mastering the more advanced abilities that are essential in succeeding in the later levels, and I felt truly accomplished by completing the climb and reaching the Summit of Celeste Mountain. 

The difficulty is something that I truly thought would bother me, if I’m being honest. I’m well-known by my partner for my temper when playing video games. (I once rage quit fighting a Pelipper in Pokemon Alpha Sapphire because it kept spamming recovery moves on me if that says anything) However, when I first saw the trailer for this game in a Nintendo Direct last year, something about it stood out. Maybe it was the aesthetic, the story, or the challenge... but like Madeline, I knew I wanted to climb that mountain. I had no reason why, I just knew I wanted to. I think that’s the appeal of the game... some large challenge that players want to overcome.  Celeste presents itself in a way that encourages the player to keep up their efforts. Each failure becomes an opportunity for success, and I can’t think of any moment I truly rage-quit at the game. Yes, I may have been annoyed, but I still felt empowered to finish the game. Even when I faced the final two levels last night, dying almost 500+ times, I was encouraged by the game as I kept learning the correct actions to take. This ultimately led to my final victory when I finished the game ... at 2:30AM. I felt accomplished. I felt proud. I felt...tired. But overall, I felt satisfied at completing what I set out to do in this game: climb the mountain and complete each level in the game. (Collecting all the Strawberries scattered about the mountain, that’s... a whole other story) This game has perfect gameplay, and I believe it’s one of the strongest examples of refined and easy-to-master mechanics in a video game since Super Mario Bros. It is that good and the gameplay makes it worth the price of admission.

Here there be spoilers after this point, 

But the true heart of the story, that keeps you going, is the Madeline and her internal conflict. The overall narrative focuses on her drive to climb Celeste Mountain while also opening up to the faces she meets along the way. Madeline is relatable: she is determined, insecure, and stubborn. This was why I was able to invest myself in the story and for many players, I think this creates immersion in the game. One of the few faces on the mountain she meets is, of course, her other self brought to life by the mountain. Her fears, her insecurities, and more manifest themselves in her alter-ego, and the journey she has confronting herself and overcoming this makes up the true heart of the narrative. And this is one of the highlights of the game that comes together in a wrenching climax and finale. Many games have done the “evil” rival of a character story before (Sonic & Shadow, Mario & Wario, Samus & Dark Samus, etc.) but this game adds some real emotional depth to their conflict and their reconciliation. 

This is in fact, something, I think that allows the player to make up their own connection to Madline. The game is never outright saying what exactly Dark Madline represents at times. It does allude to her insecurities, her fears, her anger, and other negative emotions.... but there’s no set defined name for what she represents. The general consensus (that I agree with) is that she represents depression, anxiety, or mental illness. However, it’s extremely easy for the player to project onto Madeline their personal feelings. (For example, I read the story almost coding Madeline with queer theory, with her Dark Half representing her repressed, true self, and their reconciliation being Madeline accepting of herself) It’s subtle story telling like this that lets the players fill in the gaps, so to speak, which makes for a lot of fun overall.

That being said, there’s truly nothing I’ve seen like Celeste before. The game takes some basic tropes and ideas from its genre, but presents it in a way that’s like a breath of fresh air. Encouraging notes are given to the player throughout the game, the music is somewhat calming and grand, and the environments are all beautiful despite being 16-bit pixel graphics. I’ve been rambling at this point, but I think you now get the picture: this is one of those rare games that will be defining for a generation of gamers, and I am happy I stuck out to the end and completing the game by what I wanted to do. I put 27 hours into a game with 24 levels for my first play-through alone without even realizing it. I got sucked into the world of Celeste, and that doesn’t happen to me in a video game as much as it used to. I could have kept the fun going by collecting all of the game’s 200 strawberries (I ended up with about 100, getting me the second best ending) but I knew my limits and goals: I wanted to finish every level in the game... and I reached that summit, proud of what I wanted to do.

There honestly is nothing much I can say about this game in a negative light. The only thing I can think of is more tutorials for the advanced movements, but otherwise... there isn’t much I can say about this game negatively. It is that good: believe the hype. I will say the best platform (in my opinion) is to get it on the Switch. I played this game in short & long bursts, putting my Switch to sleep when I needed to go back to work or when something would take me away from the mountain. The game is fabulous on any platform, but I think the portability of the Switch makes it easily the best choice to play on. 

In sum: if you are a fan of the genre, you owe it to yourself to play this game. Celeste is unique, fun, and frustrating but satisfying at the same time. The music is catchy and fun, the graphics charming and beautiful, and the gameplay is near flawless. The story is emotionally driven, and I honestly think this is one of my Top Games of 2018 easily. Be brave, approach the mountain, and get climbing.   Final Score: 10/10 

[rpgmgames]

July’s Featured Game: SLARPG

DEVELOPER(S): Bobby "ponett" Schroeder ENGINE: RPGMaker VX Ace  GENRE: RPG, Fantasy SUMMARY: SLARPG is a short, turn-based RPG following the story of Melody Amaranth, a kindhearted but meek transgender fox who’s decided to learn healing magic and become a paladin. She’s joined by her adventurous girlfriend Allison, as well as their friends Claire (a sarcastic, rule-bending witch)(she is also trans) and Jodie (a dependable, somewhat motherly knight). Over the course of the story, our inexperienced heroes will meddle with forces beyond their control and find themselves responsible for the fate of their quaint little hometown. They’ll also fight some spherical frogs, travel to a forgotten land in the sky, befriend a robot or two, and anger the local librarian. But that should go without saying. 

Introduce yourself!  Hi! My name's Bobby "ponett" Schroeder. I have a background mainly in visual art and writing, and I've been working in RPG Maker VX Ace since 2013 after being inspired to try making my own game by Splendidland's masterpiece Megaman Sprite Game. I'd always wanted to go into game development, but this was the first time it felt like it was actually feasible for me to make something fun on my own. By the end of that year I released a much rougher freeware version of SLARPG, originally known as Super Lesbian Horse RPG.

I do most of the work myself, but I have several people helping me with some NPC and enemy design work including my boyfriend Anthony Field (@exclamationpointman on Tumblr) and my friends Thomas Landon (@schloogywoog), Gee (@fattoads), and Thom (@sidewalkwitch). My lead composer is the incredibly talented BEATR!X @neutralnewt) with more music contributed by other friends such as internet pop icon blacksquares (@blacksquares).

What is your project about? What inspired you to create your game initially? *Bobby: Super Lesbian Animal RPG is primarily about a timid transgender fox named Melody. At age 22 she's sort of coasting along on autopilot with no clear idea of what she wants to do with her life. One day, she and her girlfriend Allison get roped into a new adventuring guild founded by their friends Claire and Jodie. Melody sees this as an opportunity to impress Allison and to make herself useful by becoming a paladin and learning healing magic.

At its heart, the game is about the relationships between four girls in their early 20s. They're all trying to define themselves as people, they all have their own personal baggage, and they all have their own motives for seeing this dinky little adventurer's guild as a life-changing opportunity. And now, thanks to the trouble they get themselves into, they also have to figure out how to be heroes. It's also a game where you can have an anthropomorphic rabbit with a mohawk kiss her girlfriend and then swing a sword made of zircon at a magic tumbleweed

As I said, the game was originally released in a much rougher form under the title Super Lesbian Horse RPG. It started out as a cute, goofy little game where Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash from My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic were dating (of course) and went on a bizarre adventure, but it soon turned into a genuine RPG with a more sincere story. It also got much, much more attention than I ever expected. My use of copyrighted characters made the game difficult to distribute, though, and in hindsight I was holding myself back by presenting it as a fangame. So in 2015, I decided to radically overhaul and flesh out the game with a new, expanded cast that I have full creative control over. And now here we are today, with a game that's probably got more new material in it than old, but still hopefully has the same charm if you enjoyed the original.

How long have you been working on your project? *Bobby: Work on the original project lasted the entirety of 2013, with me foolishly releasing the 1.0 version on Christmas 2013 (my 20th birthday—I spent most of the day frantically squashing bugs). I returned to the project in 2015 and have been working on the new version on and off for about two years now.

Did any other games or media influence aspects of your project? *Bobby: The humor is definitely inspired in part by Mother and Paper Mario, although my talkative protagonists might make it closer to something like a point-and-click adventure game. I've also always loved really casual comedy that skews towards normal conversation in stuff like Home Movies or Homestuck. Adventure Time has undoubtedly been a big influence, too, as one of my favorite shows, with its "anything goes" fantasy world and colorful cast of characters—but also because of its focus on grounded, introspective character moments in a surreal, fantastical setting

Gameplay-wise, early Final Fantasy titles are a big influence for sure, and I'm trying to take a page out of Zelda's book when it comes to exploration and level design. But tabletop RPGs like Dungeons and Dragons are also having an impact on the way I design encounters. I think tabletop games are still the gold standard for RPG battles, because they're often less about stats and repetition and doing what the designer wants you to do and more about improvising a fun story. Of course, an RPG Maker game can't compete with having an actual DM there to run an encounter, but I'm trying to give players lots of fun little "hey, what if I tried this?" moments with unexpected consequences.

Have you come across any challenges during development? How have you overcome or worked around them?   *Bobby: Honestly, the big thing for me is always time management. As development continues and my skills improve, I often find myself polishing areas and assets I'd already worked on before. If I didn't force myself to work on new stuff too I'd probably spend three years just polishing Greenridge to a mirror shine.

Have any aspects of your project changed over time? How does your current project differ from your initial concept? *Bobby: Developing the protagonists further has really broadened my horizons writing-wise. I always wanted the game to have a nice emotional arc on top of all the jokes and surreal dungeons, but over time I've fleshed out Melody, Allison, Claire, and Jodie more and more, making everyone feel less like charicatures and more like real people with relatable motivations. The graphics have also gotten a lot better after several years of pixel art practice, and the level design has gotten less linear.

What was your team like at the beginning? How did people join the team? If you don't have a team, do you wish you had one or do you prefer working alone? *Bobby: It started out as just me. Friends on Tumblr quickly showed interest in contributing designs and music to the game just because they liked the project, and before long a lot of different people were putting their own little mark on the game. Some of my favorite characters in the game have been designed by friends, and I don't know where I'd be without the absolutely phenomenal soundtrack.

What was the best part of developing the game? *Bobby: I love designing characters, and writing in all these little details to make them feel real, and figuring out how they talk to each other, and seeing my audience pick out their favorites. It's a very rewarding process for me. The second best part is getting to listen to the soundtrack and realize "Wow... this is gonna be in a game that I'm making. And it's gonna be SICK."

Which character in your game do you relate to the most and why? (Alternatively: Who is your favorite character and why?) *Bobby: Without a doubt, Melody. She differs from myself in a lot of major ways, so I wouldn't call her a self-insert, but she was created to give myself the relatable fat bisexual trans girl protagonist with anxiety that no other piece media was ever going to give me. A lot of her insecurities in the game are even loosely inspired by stuff I've been through in real life.

I also have a ton of fun writing the villains, but they're spoilers.

Looking back now, is there anything that regret/wish you had done differently? *Bobby: I wish I'd been more consistent about my work ethic in the past. I worked EXTREMELY inconsistently on SLARPG throughout 2015, and I probably could've gotten a lot more done back then. But hey, live and learn.

Once you finish your project, do you plan to explore game's universe and characters further in subsequent projects, or leave it as-is? *Bobby: Oh, I'm absolutely hoping to revisit this world! Part of the reason I'm putting so much effort into revamping a game I already released is so that I can work with this new cast and setting again in the future. I'm not planning too far ahead right now, but I do have some vague ideas for more games I'd like to make in this world, possibly through the eyes of characters other than Melody.

What do you look most forward to upon/after release? *Bobby: I'm looking forward to being able to play some longer games in my backlog without feeling guilty about it, haha. I've been dying to play stuff like The Witcher 3, NieR: Automata, and Final Fantasy XV, but I'm always worried it'll just take time away from my work. It's a wonder I managed to finish Breath of the Wild this year.

Is there something you're afraid of concerning the development or the release of your game?  *Bobby: This answer is gonna be a bummer, but I'm worried about is the harassment I'll have to deal with for putting out a game about LGBT characters. I've already dealt with this on several occasions, although thankfully it hasn't progressed past slur-filled anonymous messages. This toxic state of the gaming community is why I'm currently planning to release the game exclusively on itch.io, rather than exposing myself to Steam's hostile userbase. But it's a story that I think is worth telling, and for every piece of hate mail I get 20 messages from people telling me how excited they are, which is why I haven't given up.

Question from last month's featured dev: Is there any portion of your development that's gotten you outside your comfort zone? *Bobby: I think it's easy to say that most of it has been outside my comfort zone, actually. Working on SLARPG has really pushed the boundaries of what I previously thought I was capable of as an artist. When I first started I literally made a dungeon that was just a straight line with one 90 degree turn because I had no idea what else to do with the canvas. Now I can make dungeons that are actually slightly fun!

Do you have any advice for upcoming devs? *Bobby: Study the games and stories you love, and find out what really makes them tick. Don't just mimic surface level things, but study the mechanical, structural, and thematic elements that make them so memorable. Oh, and don't put too much effort into a fangame if there's even the slightest chance it'll get taken down, haha. Make something original loosely inspired by the things you love instead.

We mods would like to thank Bobby for agreeing to our interview! We believe that featuring the developer and their creative process is just as important as featuring the final product. Hopefully this Q&A segment has been an entertaining and insightful experience for everyone involved! 

Remember to check out SLARPG if you haven’t already! See you next month! 

- Mods Gold & Platinum 

[saintkimora]

here is how my last date went w joel (once again i have mixed feelings about it) plus how things are going now

so i saw him the other night. i got there and it was him marissa and lindsey as usual but they also had their friends moshe and adiena there. so that was kinda awkward (for me at least). they were all just sitting around talking and moshe and joel were playing mario kart on the switch and then joel made everyone watch like category is, read u wrote u, the s8 and 9 finale lip syncs, and the alyssa edwards drop dead gorgeous mix. it was kinda awkward bc the others werent really into it after the first 2 videos (except marissa legend) so i was getting secondhand embarrassment but it was still fun i guess since i got to sit next to my man

BUT then things took a turn for the worst bc joel made some attempt to include me in the group conversation. i got so sweaty instantly and i was wearing a tank so i was like fuck! nothing to cover it up. so yeah eventually moshe and adiena left and it was just us the 4 sisters again

marissa started vacuuming and lindsey was showing us some books she has. then they both went to their rooms and it was just me and joel. he said chris was still in his room playing tekken 7 on his ps4 and he didnt wanna kick him out yet so we stayed in the living room and he made me watch the great british bake off with him and it was SOOOOOOOOOOOOO boring omg like this is what yall call a competition? it was not intense at ALL literally flop shows only

then eventually we went into his room and he kicked chris out (after playing one round w him) so it was just us. this is where the date got enjoyable

one of the things he did was he started talking to me about his opinions on like race and stuff currently in america. and his opinions were all p good except for a few so that was fine. it was nice i guess to have like a serious convo w him i guess

THEN he referenced something from his childhood and i didnt know what it was obv so he was like “ive never told you the story of my childhood??” so he told me and oh my gosh it was so SADDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD omg im not gonna put all his business on here but it was such a sad story and i felt so bad for him and i wished i met him years ago so i couldve been there for him through all of it. but yeah it was v unfortunate i was like shocked like he seriously could not catch a break and he explained to me how the things from back then affect him to this day w like his anxiety for example and yeah. like obv i wasnt happy to hear about all those sad things but i was happy that he told me bc it made me feel closer to him

now for the part i DIDNT like. so at one point he somehow tried to talk to me about what celebrities and porn stars we think are hot. i did not want to have this conversation bc it feels pointless for me bc i dont keep up w celebrities and plus like the guy im with is always the #1 hottest guy for me so i dont feel the need to lust after celebs and porn stars. but whatever he was insistent on talking about this so we did. and the part that made me feel :/ was that none of the guys looked like me. like literally all the celebrities and porn stars he listed literally looked NOTHING like me whatsoever. like i didnt have a SINGLE thing in common w any of these guys. so to hear him going on and on about how hot these guys are and how they could have him any day and stuff was just kinda deflating to me bc they were all like the complete opposite of me in terms of looks. like they were all super buff daddy types and i have like 0 muscles and i dont really have strong chiseled features either. like i know im prob being oversensitive/too competitive but idk it just made me uncomfortable

and then when i told him all my faves it was different bc he did have a lot in common w all the guys i mentioned. he was like “im noticing a pattern here” and hes right, like if i did have a “”type” he would probably be it. i personally dont like talking about hot guys w any guy im currently with bc for me its like if the guy im with is all heart eyes emoji about another guys looks then obv im gonna look at this guy and compare myself to him which is not something i want to do since most of the time the other guys have me beat. so i dont bring up guys i find hot for the same reason bc i wouldnt want the guy im with to feel insecure or inadequate or contribute to a negative body image or something. i know not all people think like this and lots of people are perfectly fine w admiring other guys w their s/o but for me its just not something i like to do

so that was the worst part. it made me feel kinda empty the next day (in the moment it wasnt as bad, it was uncomfortable but it wasnt until later that i realized that i really did not look like these guys at all). actually i think this convo happened before the childhood convo. but anyways after all those convos that is when we fooled around

so this time it was fun! first he had me teasing his hole w my dick. its mildy pleasant to me but he like loves it lol. then he did the same to me but his dick was like lubed up from when i was jerking him off beforehand and it really felt like his dick was THIS close to slipping into my hole omg i was nervous i was like if he moves his hips slightly too much im literally gonna lose my virginity LMAO but it was still fun! he ended up cumming on my hole which i honestly didnt mind bc it was easier to clean since its less surface area than say my stomach or something

then i jerked myself off while he kissed me and played w my nipples and stuff since thats still my preferred way to cum. it was nice and then we showered together afterwards. and i forgot to mention it but a few dates ago we showered together for the first time which was super fun!! that time i sucked/jerked him off in the shower until he came. this time we had already cum so we just cleaned ourselves 

then we went to sleep. we woke up and got ready and i got to see him eat breakfast! he had cereal and he looked soooooooo cute omg and then we left his apartment together, then parted ways bc i had to go to my car and he was going to the bus stop down the street. he left bc he is visiting his family back home bc he needs to get some documents to do something for fafsa and he wont be back until wednesday. and i leave on thursday so rip we just have one more chance to see each other 

so that was that! also on the date before that we played this really fun game together called lovers in a dangerous spacetime and i had so much fun! omg we were such gaymers

so yeah thats it! one more date before we have to be apart for a month. im really sad about it actually like ive been getting really emotional over it. like im gonna miss him but also hes kinda going through a difficult time in his life right now and it makes me feel really bad that i wont be able to be there for him in person when he needs me. and ofc im still worried he might meet someone else, like a month is a long time so its v possible for him to forget/lose interest and try to find a new man instead. and these gay apps are location based obv so he could be reinstalling grindr or something and i would have no idea since im so many miles away!!! i doubt he would but again i didnt think caleb would do that either and i was wrong on that so im not trusting my own judgment anymore

im gonna try to enjoy greece but im gonna miss him a LOT and i just hope hes able to hold himself together while im gone since i wont be here to comfort him since im gonna be on another continent. if he does meet someone else im gonna be really sad about it but i am gonna try to be optimistic about it and ill still be able to text him like every day so its gonna suck but it could be worse i guess

[tranquil-bitch]

4/10/18 - an overdue realization

1. It all started in the 6th grade, I wasn't "pretty" or "cool" enough for him to date but we were still bestfriends and he definitely liked me the most out of all the girls, we were best friends. he was the first boy I cried over because I loved him. At least I think I did. He never knew how to talk to women though. 2. This is where things really got interesting. 15 going on 16, my best friends new boyfriend met me and said I reminded him of his best friend. It was the most perfect experience of young love. We spent the summer together exchanging nervous little kisses and stares. I remember being high off my ass and laying on him while him and my friends played super Mario and thinking to myself "holy shit I love him, he makes my skin tingle". And I thought constantly if he loved me back and then the first night he told me I couldn't say it fast enough or enough in general. His parents were military and from Hawaii and he wasn't sure if he'd be staying in VB or going back, next thing I know I'm 16 and researching colleges in Hawaii. We were so young and eventually stopped working so well. But he's in love with someone who seems sweet now. 3. 2 years later and I'm a senior in high school. I get a follow on instagram and almost don't follow back, but then I did. Then I realized the guy was actually pretty cute so I gave him a couple likes and then he slid into thy DMs, oh modern love. He told me "you're gorgeous, I just had to say hello". I swooned pretty quickly. Our first meeting we went to the beach on a cold night, he brought beer but forgot blankets. Luckily I remembered them. He said he felt like a total thumb for not thinking of it and I laughed. We spent a couple hours laying on a caravan and talking about life and our ideas and then I made the first move to kiss him. I ended up staying he night but not having sex and then a month later I was asking him to be his girlfriend and he told me relationships set up for failure. We ended up loving eachother but I had to go away to college. Little did I know his first reply when I mentioned a relationship, I was in store for failure and was cheated on. I told him he'd never find a woman like me and 5 months later he's trying to re enter my life. 4. You. I met you in January and you were giving me eyes but I play hard to get nowadays. We became good friends though and had a really fun time. Sadly you're brother got to me first. It was a rebound after his long term girlfriend and he was moving away and I thought nothing of it. For some odd reason you decided to pursue me after he left, and pursue me hard. You made me feel a lot of things, even though you're very unstable and insecure you have the confidence of a lion like myself. You did make me feel secure and comfortable. You gave me a lot more affection and attention than my previous ex. At first you wanted this. You wanted it a little too hard, and I didn't appreciate it. But now you don't want me at all because I fucked your brother. And I tried telling you that if I could take it back I would. I can't tell if I love you or if I love the idea of you getting over that fact for me. I can tell you want me . But you don't want to look like a "bitch" to your friends. Typically 23 year old man mindset, do you really think you'll be friends with all those guys when you're 30 and finally getting serious about life? I think why I'm so attached to you still is because you're more insecure than me. The way you explode and react wrongly, it reminds me of myself. The difference between you and I is I'm growing everyday but you let these things get to you and can't seem to get out of your old ways. I feel so fucking connected to you but you're worried about all the wrong things. And you can only learn that yourself. 5. Me. I've been fading in and out, I always seem to show up for myself when the men in my life leave me but I never realize that I should be here with myself all the time. It's been me the entire time. I'm the one I'm longing for, for the attention, affection, love, support, faith. It's all in myself and I haven't even realized! Our genetic make up is so much different than men and I'll always have a void to be filled by a man but that sure as hell doesn't mean I don't feel loved. It's just a security blanket I guess, I see my mom and Dad and they look happy, they are happy and I feel like my idea of love is cookie cut nowadays because I feel like I'll find it soon but I'm only 19. My parents met when they were 21 and fell in love and it's one of those things I wish could happen but at the same time, they never did things for themselves that were way out of the ordinary. And I'm out of the ordinary, I think I deserve to finally live and let go. Let go from my past relationships and heartbreaks and trauma, all the toxicity. I never needed them but they definitely need me. But I got my own problems and my own shit to do. So right now I'm challenging the universe. Universe, from here on out I'm only doing things for myself and my family, I'm only going to try to do "the right things" for me and myself. I'm going to practice mindfulness and self care and self love, I'm going to read books and drink tea and work out. I'm going to travel and build my own empire. Work towards my own home and my own car. Just stop worrying about men in general. And I challenge you, to take whoever out there going through the same confusion and hurt as I am to send them a sign to do just the same things I'll be doing. And then i challenge you even more to blow them my way. It will probably be a while, but by then I will be a machine, a short skirt long jacket kind of woman, a force to be reckoned with. I'll be so respectable that man won't even know what to do, but he'll be so respectable to I'll know exactly what to do. I challenge myself to become the best version of myself I could be alone. And then when I least expect it,

[barbosaasouza]

Celeste Review: Queen of the Mountain

Going from skyscraping towers to sky-high mountains isn't too much of a lateral move for Towerfall developer Matt Makes Games. In fact, the two games look remarkably similar, with a charming pixel art style that offers a throwback to old 16-bit games of the past. But the visual style is really where the similarities end.

Celeste feels like an entirely different animal than creator Matt Thorson's competitive multiplayer platformer. It's a solo journey of one young girl named Madeline braving the dangers of an unforgiving mountain. It's someone looking to confront the dangers of nature, but also looking to confront herself. There's a much deeper story in Celeste and it's one that helps make this masochistic game feel like something special.

Towering Falls

Celeste operates on some of the simplest of platforming mechanics. The only mechanics the player has available to them are the ability to cling to walls and climb and an air dash. The various layers of the mountain acclimate themselves to these mechanics, creating extremely challenging platforming sequences. This game will subtly revel in its difficulty, only offering a death counter in-between stages and on the main menu. And yes, Celeste gets brutally difficult, as evidenced by that same death counter quickly hitting triple and quadruple digits.

But like most good platformers, the challenge is entirely doable. Some areas will ask players to chain together air dashes, using gems that refresh their movement counter. Other areas utilize platforms that only move when detecting an air dash, requiring players to think about how they approach them, lest they land on a bed of spikes. And of course, being thousands of feet in the sky, there are going to be brutal arctic winds.

Later in the game, elements of other genres will start to seep in. There's a hotel stage where the idea becomes to search for keys to unlock the next path, similar to a Metroidvania. Another later stage requires puzzle-solving to clear the path forward, completely forgoing the game's linear nature to that point. There's even an escort mission that puts players' platforming prowess to the test.

While Celeste can be completed in about five to six hours, there are more than enough challenges to keep players occupied well beyond that. The game doesn't pretend that collectible strawberries are anything other than an additional challenge. Often times, though, that challenge is worth taking, because it can feel satisfying to conquer a brutal sequence to get that extra 1000 points. The B-side tapes are more worthwhile, because they unlock remixed stages that somehow amplify the crushing difficulty that much more.

Yes, it's incredibly hard and anyone picking this game up is going to die a lot. Fortunately, Celeste doesn't get mired in loading screens or repetitive, mocking text. If Madeline dies, she simply respawns almost instantly. This goes a long way towards feeding that "Just one more time!" instinct and makes it that much more satisfying when a difficult sequence is conquered.

The Man in the Mirror

Had Celeste been a straightforward platformer, it would have been a fun romp. However, this game went the extra mile to tell a critical story of confronting one's own fears and insecurities. While Celeste is a difficult test of platforming precision, there's also a supernatural story unfolding around the mountain itself. And it's one that causes Madeline to confront herself, her faults, and what she ultimately wants.

Madeline is an imperfect person, someone prone to panic attack and depression. She doesn't understand why she's trying to brave Celeste Mountain. She has demons and those demons are literally manifested over the course of the game. The farther Madeline is able to ascend the mountain, the more she's able to confront her own insecurities and come to grips with who she is.

I also found it clever how this element of the journey eventually manifested into the gameplay. For example, the second level will have Madeline's mirror image chasing her across the stage. The idea becomes to outrun her or face death. But I will say that this novelty does eventually wear off.

Again, Celeste is brutally difficult and requires precision platforming at its finest. So tossing in creatures that give chase relentlessly does start to feel cheap. Imagine making it across a difficult sequence, requiring expert timing, only to get killed by a hostile that homed in on Madeline's location. It became more frustrating near the end of the game, because the enemy movement felt erratic. I did attempt to jump the incoming creature to send it past me, matador-style, but it simply floated up and nailed me in the face anyway. When the platforming gets as hard as it does, having to start over because of a persistent enemy chase does get annoying. It's not unbeatable by any means, but it is irksome.

And lastly, while I love Madeline's story, I do wish it could have been sprinkled out over the entirety of the game. To put this more clearly, getting through the second-to-last level was an adrenaline ride and one that left me ready to keep right on going and conquer that last stretch. But then the game slowed down with an extended dialogue sequence between Madeline and Theo, with multiple dialogue choices that slowed the game down. I would have loved to have seen these sequences placed across each of the game's stages in smaller doses than have one giant sequence near the end, especially when I'm riding a high and ready to power on through to the end.

Reaching the Peak

Those who are looking for one of the year's first true single-player challenges should look no further than Celeste. The team at Matt Makes Games has crafted a tough, yet not entirely unfair platformer, one wrapped in a touching narrative with some memorable characters. It's clear that a lot of heart went into writing the story, while it's also clear that Matt Thorson put his best level design foot forward. Some of the areas in Celeste were very reminiscent of some of his Super Mario Maker work, in terms of gimmicks, precision jumping, tricks, and difficulty.

There's a real satisfaction in knowing you've made it all the way to the top of the mountain, especially after watching Madeline's story unfold. And with enough collectible and even harder levels out there, there's much more to the five-hour story that'll keep the most hardened platforming fan going for a long time.

This review is based on a Steam code provided by the developer. Celeste is available on Steam, the PlayStation Store, the Xbox Live Marketplace, and the Nintendo eShop for $19.99. The game is not rated by the ESRB.

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