#thinking of tomo's last words and thoughts will always make me emotional

[visionkept]

What were your muse's last words ?

[kbtbb-soryu]

The Wild Rose [Tomoki x OC] Chapter 12

I woke up before the sun finished rising over the horizon. I placed my forearm over my eyes and laughed dryly. No point in lying in bed. I had work to do.

As I stepped out of the shower, I heard a noise in my living room. I suspected it was Itsuki, as he had taken Tomoki’s place the last time he took a personal day.

“Good morning, Miss Ichinomiya.” He waltzed into my room with a smile.

“Don’t do that,” I said.

“Huh? Do what?” He cocked his head to the side.

“Come into my room like you live here.” I flipped my hair over the collar of my shirt. My back to him, I started buttoning the shirt.

“Oh, sorry. I’m almost done making breakfast,” he said, turning on his heel and leaving my bedroom. 

I finished getting dressed and dragged a brush through my hair before taking a seat at the table in the living room. I should really think about getting a decent dining set. Sitting on my knees in front of a coffee table was beginning to annoy me. Itsuki placed a vase with roses in the centre of the table.

“These roses…” I recognised them from when I was at Tomoki’s apartment.

“Tomo planted them. They just bloomed. Pretty, aren’t they?”

“They are.”

“He’s not interested in them once they’re successfully grown, so I always get them.”

I gave him a side-eye. “So you can kill them and make him regrow them?”

“You’re pretty mean.” He pouted. I smiled wryly.

“Sorry.” Itsuki smirked at me; he knew I was teasing him.

“Come on. You gotta eat. You’ll be late. I thought I’d make eggs benedict today. It’s one of my specialties. Eat it and I bet you’ll feel better.” I didn’t fail to notice that Itsuki wasn’t his usual flirtatious self; he was trying especially hard to be nice.

“You can stop doing that, too,” I said.

“What?”

“Fussing. I appreciate the thought, but I don’t like when people do that.”

“Oh…” he seemed somewhat at a loss for words.

I smiled softly. “Like I said, I appreciate the thought.” I dug into the Eggs Benedict.

After brushing my teeth and making sure everything I needed was in my bag, I checked my watch. “I need to get going. See you later.”

“Yup. Have a good day.” That was a mildly awkward morning; one I was relieved to be over and done with. 

The days seemed to breeze by, and before I knew it, it was the day of Ichijo’s birthday party. I didn’t want to be here. It took everything I had not to go into his mansion wearing a sneer. I settled with a look of apathy plastered over my face. Akira was going to be at the party, and I forced the butlers to get me an extra invitation for Yukino. Although, she was there to keep me in check more than anything else.

Before the party, I met with Ichijo in his personal office. “Hotaru… You’re so lovely…”

“Good evening,” I forced out.

“I am truly sorry for keeping silent all this time. You’re beautiful. You look just like your mother.” I almost snapped. You have no right to mention her. “I’m sorry. You must have been lonely.” If that mattered to you, where were you?

I shook my head half-heartedly. “I wasn’t.”

“Hotaru…”

I crossed my arms and looked down past my nose at him. I let every emotion I was feeling show plainly on my face. Anger. Disgust. Distaste. I sneered.

“I wasn’t lonely, because I already had a dad.”

“Hotaru, I…” I could tell I was hurting him, but I didn’t care. He had no right.

“Don’t,” I said harshly. “I won’t call you ‘Dad’, because you’re not. You might be my father, but you don’t get to show up after 17 years and act like you care. When I needed you, you weren’t there. So, no, you don’t get to call yourself my dad. The man who raised me, who helped me up whenever I fell, who shaped me… He is my dad. There are only two reasons I’m here tonight. One, you sent your butlers to do your dirty work and I wasn’t about to let that slide. And two, I came to tell you everything I couldn’t before. Tomoki asked me to give you a chance, so I’m willing, but that doesn’t mean I’ve forgiven you. Understand this, Kazuma, you will never replace my real dad.” Having said my piece, I gave him one last glare before turning on my heel and leaving his study with every bit of grace my real dad had taught me.

I found him further down the hall; he’d been waiting for me. I took his arm as he held it out to me with a wry smile and he led me to the party hall. My dad was just as furious as I was, if not more. He had wanted to have a word with Kazuma himself, but I had told him to leave it to me, assuring him that I would tear him a new one so bad it wouldn’t even be necessary for my dad to rub salt in the wound. And that was exactly what I did.

I entered the hall and immediately spotted Yuma and the others, eyeing me and my dad.  I sent them a smug smile for good measure. 

“I’m going to get a drink.” Dad kissed my temple. He had always had a talent for reading the room.

I walked over to the butlers. Yuma glared down at me. “What did you say to Mr. Ichijo?” he demanded.

I smiled cruelly. “Gee, I don’t know. What do you think?”

“If you offended him in any way…” Yuma had the utmost respect for Kazuma, but that had nothing to do with me.

“If I offended him, what?” I walked up to him until our faces were dangerously close; sparks flew. We had a staring contest for what seemed like an hour, neither of us letting up. I finally snorted and took a step back. “If you love him so much, you can go ask him to be your dad. But unless you’ve lived my life, experienced every hell I had to go through, I don’t particularly care for your opinion.”

Kazuma walked up to us; the tension in the air so thick you could cut it with a butter knife. “Hotaru,” he said.

“What.” My voice was cold.

“Would you let me introduce you?” As his daughter? Not bloody likely.

“No.” I didn’t bother looking at him before walking away. I caught sight of Yukino; she was sneering with her arms crossed, her eyes trained on Kazuma. She looked like she wanted to throttle him.

“Aren’t you tired? Take a break. Have something to drink,” Kazuma said as he walked up to me after his birthday speech. 

“Cut that out,” I said. “Quit acting so buddy-buddy with me. You and I are not friends.”

“No, we’re…”

“You say anything along the lines of father and daughter, I swear to god…” I glared at him.

“Hotaru, I understand your feelings…”

“Do you, now?”

“I know what it’s like to grow up in high society…”

“Oh, really? Funny, so do I.”

“This wasn’t the life I wanted for you.” His eyes were sad as he looked at me.

“Lot of good that did. I grew up in it anyway.”

“I never—”

“You never what? Never wanted this? Never wanted Akira to reach out?”

“That’s not what I…”

“Akira saved me. I would have ended up in the system if it wasn’t for him.”

“I know. I just…”

“Save it. I don’t care to hear your excuses. I already told you where I stand. That won’t change.” Slipping my hair over one shoulder, I made my way to my best friend. Yukino stood against the wall with two champagne glasses in her hands.

“Drink?” she asked as she held one glass out to me. I gulped it down in one go. “Good job keeping yourself contained back there. If it were me, I probably would have punched him.”

“I’m still deliberating on that.”

“If I had to guess, I’d say you’re still seeing red and your blood is dangerously close to boiling over. Maybe you should get some air?” I shook my head, snatched her glass out of her hand and downed it too. “Alright, then maybe you should focus on the next problem.” She turned and subtly pointed somewhere. I looked at where she was pointing and saw Tomoki.

I sighed. “What are you going on about?”

“Don’t play dumb with me, Hotaru. You know exactly what I’m talking about.” Yukino’s tone was authoritative. It was her no-nonsense voice. I sighed, defeated. Tomoki’s eyes met mine, and he startled. Again. This has happened at least four times since I got here. Maybe more. Yukari was beaming next to him. Yukino stiffened and nodded her head behind me. “Public enemy number one is headed this way.” She took the glasses from me and left me.

“Hotaru, come here. I want to introduce you to a good friend of mine,” Kazuma said.

“Don’t order me around,” I hissed at him, making sure no one else could hear. In front of me stood Tomoki’s father, as well as Mr. Koishikawa, the CEO my brother and I had a lunch meeting with.

“Hotaru, it’s good to see you again,” Mr. Matsuba greeted me.

“Likewise.” I smiled.

“I had no idea you were Kazuma Ichijo’s daughter… I knew Akira adopted you, but to think…” Mr. Koishikawa mused. So against my wishes, he went and told people I was his daughter. I wasn’t sure why I expected anything different. 

“What’s this? You two know each other already?” Kazuma asked.

“The Ichinomiya Group often does business with Mr. Koishikawa. You didn’t know that?” My words had a bite that I knew only he would be able to pick up on.

“I suppose… that makes sense.” Kazuma quickly recomposed himself. “It’s Mr. Koishikawa’s daughter who Tomoki’s engaged to.”

“I’ve met her, too.”

“What beautiful children they’ll have. I can’t wait,” Kazuma said, oblivious to my growing agitation.

“Nor can I,” Mr. Koishikawa added.

“They aren’t even married yet. Don’t you think it’s a little early to say a thing like that?” Mr. Matsuba asked.

“You’re one to talk. When we were having those drinks the other night, you were talking about what you wanted your grandchildren to call you,” Kazuma said.

Mr. Matsuba laughed. “Was I?”

Listening to them was torturous. I slipped away and sat down at one of the tables, my head in my hand. Not five minutes after I sat down, Yukino joined me with another drink. She slid the glass to me and sat down across from me. She didn’t say anything.

“What am I supposed to do?” I asked.

“What do you want to do?” I didn’t have an answer. “You know, you’re always so assertive with everything else. I know why you’re hesitant on this… You’re scared.”

“Scared?” Yukino nodded. “I’m not scared, Yukino; I’m terrified.”

“I know. But nothing will ever change if you keep running away. You know that better than anyone.” Logically, I did know. But this was… Yukino put her hand on top of mine. “You know, that night at Akira’s party… When you two played the piano together? I saw your eyes. They looked so alive. You looked alive. More than I’ve seen you in years. It’s because of him, isn’t it?”

“So, what am I supposed to do?” I repeated my initial question.

“I might have one idea.” She looked behind me with a significant expression. I looked over my shoulder and saw the grand piano in the middle of the hall. “You both share the same language. Use it.” A small smile formed on my lips. “I’d go with Fur Elise if I were you.” Yukino got up and walked away. I downed the glass in front of me and got up to find Itsuki.

Itsuki prepared the piano for me, and I sat down. “Miss Ichinomiya would like to play the piano for all of you who were so kind to come here today for her... associate as he greets his 65th birthday. Please bring your attention to the piano.” At Itsuki’s invitation, all eyes were on me.

“I’d like to dedicate this song to someone who means more to me than I ever could have anticipated.” I stroked the smooth keys before putting my fingers on the correct ones. I looked up and met Tomoki’s eyes. I smiled softly at him before looking back at the keys on front of me. I closed my eyes for a second. And then, I played. I put all of my feelings into my fingers as they played. My memories of him flashed to the forefront of my mind. All I could do was hope that he would receive my message. But it was like Yukino said; we shared the same language. I knew he would understand this song.

Tomoki was the first to clap as soon as I finished. He was looking right at me as he applauded.

“Hotaru.” My dad stroked my hair. “I’ve never heard you play with such emotion before.”

“Thank you, Daddy. I, um… I need some air.”

“Of course.”

I slipped out of the hall. I rushed down the stairs and came to a stop at the bottom. My one fist was clenched and I could feel the blood trickling through my fingers. I clenched my teeth, angry – at what, I wasn’t sure. I slammed the back of that same fist against the wall next to me. It didn’t hurt.

“A lady shouldn’t punch a wall like that.” His voice only made me clench it tighter against the wall. More blood flowed through my fingers, down my wrist and fell to the floor in droplets. I clenched my teeth more, not daring to look at him. His breathing was ragged as I heard him approach me.

“And a butler should be more composed than this, so I guess we’re both failures,” I retorted, my voice hoarse. I dropped my hand and looked at him. “Why did you come after me?” 

“Good question… I don’t know myself.”

“You don’t know.” I chuckled dryly. “How very unlike you.”

“Miss Ichinomiya.” He fixed his eyes on mine. “You played well,” he paused, “Very well.” He took my hand, and, as he was about to put a candy in it, startled. “Your hand…”

“It’s fine.” I tore my injured hand from his grip and went to hide it behind me back, but he grabbed my wrist and pulled me to him, embracing me. My eyes widened. “Tomoki…”

“Would it be wrong of me to think… that your performance back there was for me?” I didn’t say anything as I felt the corners of my eyes sting.

“You’re more important… than I ever could have anticipated,” I whispered the same words I said before I played the piano. He held me tighter.

“Hotaru…”

I startled when he used my first name. But I relaxed soon after. “What?”

Tomoki was silent for a long moment before he spoke. “I love you.” I gasped, loudly. “I love you, Miss Ichinomiya.” I tried pulling away to look at him, but he wouldn’t let me. “I’m not letting go of what’s important to me anymore.” I inhaled sharply, my heart racing. Or was it his? I couldn’t even tell. “I can’t deceive myself. You taught me that. I can’t give up on something I love. I don’t want to again.” I bit my lip as I felt it start to quiver, and my shoulders trembled.

Previous Chapter

[lookedafterchild]

Part One - A brief before and after being put on a Section 2 I struggled with many issues at the time, anxiety, depression, suicidal tendencies, and self-harm. I had been battling a battle in my head for over ten years, but things started to get too bad. now I could not hide these issues as well as I may have been before. Moreover, after the incident(s) at school, I was admitted to the hospital and blacklisted from taking my exams in the future. Can you imagine walking into your Psychiatrists office? After a massive string of events both at school and at home? Dr. Bertrand Nairac was giving me 5 minutes to make one of the hardest. And most confusing decisions of my life. "By the time I return to this room, you need to make your decision. Are you going to admit yourself on a volunteer basis or send the doctors and police to force you there? The Choice [caption id="attachment_13699" align="aligncenter" width="1024"] Sectioned under the mental health act aged 18. At Kent and Medway adolescence hospital, (woodland House) Staplehurst Kent (KMAH)The Complete story[/caption] As I sat in the therapist's room, it felt like an eternity. The walls seemed to close on me, and my heart was racing. What is a mental health hospital anyway? Is this some asylum where they lock up people who are crazy or something? The feeling of suffocation and confusion were the only thoughts going through my head. Dr. Bertrand Nairac Returned to the office. Moreover, I looked at myself and my foster carer Carol Thompson. "Well, you made up your mind," said Dr. Nairac. He advised once again that going as a volunteer patient was the best way to do this. Unless I wanted to make a big scene. I agreed and waited for days in my home until I received word from him with an available bed at a young adolescent Mental Health Hospital Woodlands house in staple Hurst My Fate Was Clear Three days went past, and it was hell. I knew it was just a matter of days until I am driving miles away. From my hometown, there are a few parts of those three days that stick with me. I had missed school and was not recommended to communicate with them, so I remember telling a tiny handful of friends about the situation with mixed responses. Furthermore, I was spending the weekend with my mum. Wondering what would happen what my future was going to be like? Nevertheless, the worst thing… it was the last night before I left.,  to Kent, and Medway Adolescent Unit, Woodland House. Moreover, Carol had ordered fish and chips. We were all gathered together, eating as a family like we always did on a Friday night. I was unsure if this was the last meal, with the people who raised me into the person I am. The people who supported me through the worst…., I could not hold back the emotions and the tears started pouring out. There was nothing I could do but let the future unfold. No surprise, but I did not sleep very well that night. In less than 24 hours, I would once again move away from the home I had settled into and this time into a downright bizarre and unknown situation. Getting admitted to Hospital [caption id="attachment_13705" align="aligncenter" width="800"] Kent and Medway adolescence hospital, (woodland House) Staplehurst Kent (KMAH), this is where the post thumbnail was taken (C) 2010 Philip Durrant Photography[/caption] Morning finally came round, and my anxiety and mood were not good at all. I remember being very silent and reserved, waiting to determine my fate after dropping off the other Foster Children at school. We started the long and painful drive to Staplehurst. (Around an hour and 20min, but it felt like a lot longer.) Stopping off to pick up Tomo (Carol's Husband, Whom We Referred to as Tomo or John (His real name) from his workplace. We finally arrived at Woodlands House (For anyone interested, Click Here For A Virtual Tour). As we walked in, the receptiongreeted us. It was an attractive layout. Not reasonably what I had expected, certainly not for being classified a hospital.

 Moreover, we approached the desk and handed over the paperwork,waiting for the team leader to arrive and assess me. After what felt like a lifetime and what seemed to be a crisis, (Someone's Panic alarm within the hospital was set off, and someone got restrained. not too long before I walked in.) We finally had a quick look round and were shown in one of the meeting rooms. The team leader and one of the nurses told me, Carol, and John, what would happen, and I have to fill in some paperwork. These were questions asking me to state out of 1-10 or how likely, or unlike me; I remember they were all ranked low at this point; I felt I could not feel any worse.  I completed it, and I led to the medical room (where anything on-site medical-wise was given). Then I was given an ECG test and had my blood taken. It was a very formal process. Also, they made notes of doctors, medication, and allergies. Furthermore, that is when we parted way. I said goodbye to my foster parents, and I was left to socialize with staff and patients Part Two - one month at Kent And Medway adolescence hospital [caption id="attachment_13704" align="aligncenter" width="604"] Photo of Li Jean-Luc Harris at Kent and Medway adolescence hospital, (woodland House) Staplehurst Kent (KMAH) - outside Shed[/caption] Introduction: By the time I was checked into the Kent and Medway Adolescent Unit, Woodland House, and the careers left me. The day had already gone. It was around 17:00, and I was given options for food. The first place I went was the lounge. Many very friendly and reassuring service users and staff started to introduce themselves to me. They were warm and gentle with their words. They could see I was very reserved and did not want to talk or do anything. I am sure every one of them had gone through the same thing. It is scary, after all. New surroundings, new faces, and new scenarios. No one can know what you have just walked into. https://lookedafterchild.com/addicted-to-drugs-and-then-homeless-and-finally-now-im-a-homeowner/ The First Night [caption id="attachment_13701" align="aligncenter" width="1024"] Sectioned under the mental health act aged 18. At Kent and Medway adolescence hospital, (woodland House) Staplehurst Kent (KMAH) - Bedroom - image taken from the Explore Woodland House Virtual Tour[/caption] After eating what I was shocked to say a delicious meal, I remember spending some time once again in the lounge for the evening before it was time for us to go to bed. As much as I wanted to crawl straight into bed, we had to follow strict guidelines. Everyone had to be awake, and out of bed by 10 am, and no one can return until 7 pm. My bedroom was lovely, it had a double bed, a desk and an ensuite but,  it still was not my bed from home. I also missed my phone, my technology, and the familiar faces from my foster home. Daily Routines My Daily Routine was very different from what I was doing back home. Breakfast between 7 am, and 9 am. Everyone had to be out of bed by 10 am. We had a few group sessions in the morning, one being education lunch between 12 and 1 pm—three more activities before dinner between 5 pm and 6 pm, and then free time. Accessing the outside world I was not allowed any technology on-site, and the only time I could use my phone or the internet was when I was on my mobile phone outside of the unit. Even in the education sessions, I was given special restrictions due to past incidents with my secondary school and me hacking into their system. So, for this reason, I was only allowed the internet on my mobile outside of the unit. (for someone who previously lived online, it sucks!) Getting Put onto a Section 2 Under The Mental Health Act [caption id="attachment_13703" align="aligncenter" width="638"] Section 2 under the mental health act Leaflet A Scanned front page of the leaflet i was given explaining the section two[/caption] I was both homesick and just witnessed a small group of patients kick off and cause a riot.

(Insert Link to Future Post) I was not enjoying my stay at Woodlands House, the therapy seemed unhelpful, and the group sessions I refused. To make things worse, I was just put onto 1:1 Eyesight, so I declared to discharge myself. And I was served a Section 2, meaning I was now forcefully detained for 28 days. Moreover, now I could not even use the internet in my free time. I was a prisoner of the system, scared and upset. This just further pushed me away from getting my issues solved. Being in section 2 meant I lost most of my rights. I was no longer allowed to use my phone. Many care decisions were now being made for me without my input; I was placed on 1:1 Eyesight as a precautionary measure. They were still unsure of many things that were going on with me, due to 4 years prior trying to fight the system, because I was too scared to let them know “The Thing” that caused me all this trauma and pain. Thankfully I had lots of like-minded people who shared their advise and looked out for each other.  1:1 Eyesight meant I now had someone follow me and was always within Eyesight, even when sleeping. Nevertheless, there was a limitation to the toilet/shower, as long as I kept talking to them non-stop. A Scanned front page of the leaflet I was given explaining the section two First Visit From my foster family When I knew Carol and Tomo were coming, I was excited. I could not wait to see the familiar faces and receive some more clothes and items to keep me going. I had missed the presence of Carol and John. It had only been a month. However, they encouraged me to carry on with the treatment, and soon I will be home again, getting back on with life. They were very encouraging and motivating, but, I could tell it was hard for them and myself. First Vist From Mum and my brother Michael This visit was long overdue. They had a very long train journey all the way from Margate to Staplehurst, but, I was so happy to see them both. We spoke for ages and caught up. The first time seeing them, I was not able to do much being on section 2 But, I was just relived to be in the company of my family. But I want care in the community! [caption id="attachment_13706" align="aligncenter" width="800"] Kent and Medway adolescence hospital, (woodland House) Staplehurst Kent (KMAH) this is where the post thumbnail was taken (C) 2010 Philip Durrant Photography[/caption] This was something many people heard me say. Additionally, it all came with the same response “But we have been offering you this for years, why now?” it was a good question. However, the shock of being in the hospital was enough for me to want to get my life on track, and continue with my life and education in the community. Nevertheless, all the professionals had said the same thing. You will not be released until you start co-operating with group sessions and therapy. Therapy Sessions Therapy sessions, we all hate them. They hurt and make us vulnerable. Something was stopping me from talking in person with anyone willing to help me. I could speak about everything, apart from “the thing”. I spoke about family, school, emotional unbalances, depression and anxieties. However, in-depth details into self-harm I locked away from everyone. Including myself, After a few sessions, I was told by Dr. Oliver that my only chance of release was to talk about these areas and let them understand and advice for future treatment/help outside of the hospital. Furthermore, I explained, although I want to talk, whenever I try, I freeze up. I get scared, vulnerable. This is when for the first time, I was recommended the following technique:“When you are in a bad place, take a pen and paper, write your thoughts and feelings, Furthermore, bring them back to me.” Moreover, when this worked, I was then tasked to do the same, but to write about “the thing…” so I set out to do this….. To Be Continued. Thanks for sticking by and reading through this story, it has been a hard one to write,

but the story is as it is… and the next part will be the conclusion to my stay at a mental health hospital. have you read some of my other posts? The Story Of My Spice Addiction The incident at school that led to my hospitalization. Addicted to drugs and then Homeless and finally Now I'm A Homeowner Part Three - How I Got Out Of Kent And Medway Adolescence Hospital And Off My Section [caption id="attachment_13700" align="aligncenter" width="1024"] Sectioned under the mental health act aged 18. At Kent and Medway adolescence hospital, (woodland House) Staplehurst Kent (KMAH) - Lounge, Facing Front Entrance - image taken from the Explore Woodland House Virtual Tour[/caption] How did I end up at Kent and Medway Adolescent Hospital Woodland House? a photo of Li Jean-Luc Harris at Kent and Medway Adolescent Unit, Woodland House Mental Health Hospital If you're asking this question, then you're new to the blog! this is a platform of therapy first discovered by me in hospital and will be discussed later on in the blog post. But before you get there. I highly suggest you read the following posts to get yourself acquainted with me. And so you know the full story of how I ended up at Kent Afnd Medway Adolescent Hospital (Woodlands House) The Incidents at School That Lead to my hospitalisation at Kent And Medway Mental Health Hospital Explore The Days Leading Up to me transferring from Foster Care To My Placement at Kent And Medway Adolescent Hospital How I become homeless aged 18 and addicted to drugs. Now Your acquainted with the past. Let's dive into the next chapter of the story. This is going to be quite a long post so grab yourself a coffee. And prepare for a rollercoaster of a story.  Therapy Sessions With Dr Oliver Continued. As previously explained, Oliver had just handed me over a piece of paper and a pen. Let's try something different. Take these and write everything that you're scared to tell. Or struggle to face. In Face to Face Scenarios. I sat and thought about it but told Dr Oliver I will try it. And that I did. I remember going to the communal areas, finding somewhere quiet, and I sat there thinking of what I could write. How do I explain it? Or if I should even try. But I did, only because I was getting desperate to get out of this place. I Started with the events leading to the situation so the psychologists Dr Oliver could get an idea of my state of mind. And then I told him about the events leading to the biggest self-harm incident that I had done. And the one that is a continuing issue even right now almost 10 years later. I keep promising you the story on "The Thing" which is this event of self-harm, but I'm still closing this chapter and will create that blog post shortly. Once i finished the agonizing reliving of my life. I posted it in his office. (On Site) and I heard nothing for a day. Until I was told I had to attend a meeting with Dr Oliver And a Medical Professional. How Did pen and paper become a therapy for you? Now I knew I could speak out and voice my concerns without facing them directly and at the moment. Allowing me more time to prepare myself for the outcome. And think of responses. So after realising the power of it. I've used it as a platform for communicating my emotions for a while until I stood up in 2017 and launched the blog to make it public. From then on, your support has allowed me to help others and realise. That my realistic goal and aim in life is to help as many people as possible whom have had a poor start in their lives. [caption id="attachment_13702" align="aligncenter" width="604"] Photo of Li Jean-Luc Harris at Kent and Medway adolescence hospital, (woodland House) Staplehurst Kent (KMAH) - Indoor Meeting Room[/caption] How Did The Professional Meeting go? - what was the outcome? Actually, I don’t know what happened prior. The Professionals would not allow me to the discussion part of the meeting and could only attend to the outcome part of the meeting, but from what I could see, it was not the best of news for me.

I was told of the damage I had caused. I was told I was lucky to survive. Or didn't have other complications, and they referred me to Maidstone Hospital For a medical examination, but I'm not yet aware I'm about to become lost in the system. I discovered later this later on in life. I tried to get out of Kent And Medway Mental Health Hospital! I've co-operated let me out! I've done as you've said, so why am I still being punished? But they set the reality. Even though after 2 months I cooperated and allowed for myself to be checked over. I still can not leave. No matter how persistent I was and then I ended up on a section 3. as guess who tried to discharge themself again. Getting Put onto a Section 3 Under The Mental Health Act Because I wanted to leave again, they placed me on a Section 3 of the mental health act. Section 3 allows for a person to be admitted to hospital for treatment if their mental disorder is of a nature and/or degree that requires treatment in hospital. And Whilst detained under Section 3, you do not have the right to refuse treatment apart from electro-convulsive treatment (ECT) which can only be given without your consent if specific criteria are met. This was because at the time they could not release me as I was still at risk and at the time they created no treatment plans. And the lead clinician was still trying to get my care sorted out back in the community.   The End of my Foster Placement With Carol And John Photo of Li Jean-Luc Harris photo taken at woodland house Kent And Medway Mental Health Hospital! I've written two posts about carol and John already. They are a massive inspiration to me wanting to work in residential child care. As well as fostering in the future. If you want to read more about their effects on my lives, you can use the following links:  My Second Foster Care Placement With Carol And John The Breakdown Of My Second Foster Care Placement       But as we know, all good things end. And I had just found out that my foster carers had to end the placement and that when i was discharged I could no longer return to this Foster placement. Sadly, this is the way social services work. As they deemed me of higher risk at this point. And that Carol And John were no longer suitable placements. This broke my heart and now meant that I would move to complete strangers again and have to build new relationships with another foster parent... (Unknown to me at the time that i no longer could go into a foster care placement...)  Discharge Papers Are In. The Big Day. I was given the discharge papers. In two weeks, I would be allowed out in the community and to get my freedom back! I was so excited about moving and being able to see my family but still not to my knowledge I've got a roller coaster to attend for the next 3 Years experiencing many 16+ Services that the wonderful Kent County Council (KCC) Social Services Had to show me. But right now i was more excited to get back to some normality. And resume with my life goals at the time.  What is Next For Li Jean-Luc Harris? Hi Everyone, what a productive couple of weeks. Both professionally and in my personal life. We've completed the Kent And Medway Mental Health Hospital Series. but this is not the end of the Blog posts in the Mental Health category. Next in Li's Story; we will talk about his other placements within Social Services. I had 4 more placements and then became homeless. I was ripped away from my foster carers, lost my rights and then told i would return to a completely new situation in life. Including Children's Homes And 16+ Transitioning Care / Semi-Independence Placements and how I spent two years in areas that I've never been too before.  How about Jump The Gaps and find out some of my future?  Addicted to drugs and then Homeless and finally Now I'm A Homeowner Spice / Legal High Addiction the Story (1/2) Thanks once again for your time and dedication to my blog. And life. See you in the next one.

[bunchofstraydogs]

Dazai Osamu character breakdown as I understand him

Meaning that this might be inaccurate and your opinion and visage of him might differ from mine, which is just fine. We perceive the world and the people around us through our experiences and expectations. I'm curious to know how you guys see a complex character like Dazai, just please respect everyone's opinions.

Warning: Manga plot mentions, s2 spoilers, BEAST light novel spoilers, Dazai Osamu

Dazai Osamu was introduced into the scene of Bungou Stray Dogs at 14 when Mori found him.

Even at that young age, Dazai had suicidal tendencies and had been wrapped in bandages similarly as he is in the present. Already dealing with too much trauma for a child his age, the fire is fuelled as he was forced to bear witness to the death of the Port Mafia boss at the hands of Mori, the person that took him under his wing. To use him; which was becoming very apparent to Osamu if he hadn't been aware since the start. Now, I'm not saying that death of the previous boss left a particular scar on Samu, he even agrees with it and is something he himself would have done. But that that is the scene that bore fruit of the following quotes:

"Or could it be that you're afraid, Mori-san? That one day i will slit your throat and take over as the boss?"

followed by

"Everyone seems suspicious to those who have an axe to grind."

This tells us right away that he can tell what type of person you are just from the way you perceive your surroundings, which is logical, but not something many think too deep into.

Even less who have their evaluations of others on point like he does. And he has to, since Dazai's plan is always to understand his allies, his enemies, possible allies and possible enemies. He also takes into account important neutral parties that can still, in one way or another, affect the outcome of his plans or decide to align with one side out of common interest. After comes realising the main goals, along with side achievements (just in case some of those maim his allies or ruin the future plans he made) of every party. Taking in their morals and motivation, and being familiar with the ground the confrontation will happen on, he now has the view of the whole chess board and it's pieces in his head. He moves his allies in the right places, knowing how they'll react in the situation to come, and awaits the enemies with open fire arms. He was tought to think like that. At all times. Mori made sure of it. You know how specialists never really stop thinking in their areas of expertise, like doctors, for example, will naturally notice people's posture and look for scoliosis or whatever? How your foot hits the floor, if you're walking straight, your knees and shoulders, etc. Same for Dazai. His brain maps out person's expressions, reactions, choices, personality, etc. in great detail. I'm pretty sure he has eidetic memory, if his conversations in manga with Fyodor are anything to go by.

Another thing his brain does is think of worst possible outcomes.

Not in a fear of what if things go wrong, but as a possible route. He uses it to determine how big of a threat the opposing force is and what steps they'll have to take to achieve that. Knowing that, he'll know how to intercept them. Also, like everything else, it's not something he can control since we're talking about thought process here and that's just how his brain works. Can't magically turn that off. It's especially annoying to him when he's genuinely enjoying himself with, let's say, ADA members and then his brain goes brrr.

•"A lot happened recently and we're a torn in many people's eyes." *Tanizaki and Atsushi drinking punch* "There's a possibility, while a small one, about 8% at this very moment, but as time goes on will increase, that an organisation outside of Yokohama decided we're an unavoidable threat and poisoned the drinks. Don't drink that. Nothing will happen, they'll wake up tomorrow in pristine condition don't drink th-"

Yeah, i feel bad for him too.

He has PTSD and insomnia, besides the hectic brain,

so he's not getting proper amount of rest. Actually, he drinks almost every night by himself at home. Pretty sure it's canon as well, because if you search for a picture of him in his room, you'll see him surrounded by multiple bottles. Two of the PTSD symptoms are hallucinations and night terrors (no, that is not the same as a nightmare). What people usually do is use opium to cause hallucinations in a safe environment so that there's little chance of them happening uncontrolled. He's probably using alcohol to numb himself while he's reminiscing, since if he does still have hallucinations after years having passed by (which isn't impossible), they're probably few and far between. Not saying there's no chance he isn't using opium. He would know where to get what he needs, after all.

Osamu's haunted by his own actions as well, not just by trauma caused to him.

At an uncountable amount of occasions, he found himself looking into a mirror and not really comprehending his image. It was like dissociation. Looking through a fog at what's supposed to be your carbon copy, but not knowing all of your features perfectly, so whatever you're seeing could only be an impostor, yet you're not sure because that would take comprehending physical proof of your life to the fullest and how it works and he just... can't. He can but he doesn't want to. He already knows he's despicable and broken, doesn't really feel the need to see just how much. He can't, for all his perfect memory, remember the faces of the people he has killed. He hadn't even seen all of them, but he was responsible for their demise. Causing havoc and misfortune in general through other crimes besides murder as well. We've seen his expression when he listened in on Atsushi talking to Kyouka over the earpiece how the 35 deaths don't matter anymore. He knows they do and he knows that the change of heart won't justify what he's they've done. Ango thought him to value each life. But he also knows that even murderers can change and become good. Oda did that. It's also what's keeping him in the agency.

When Oda died, his last words mentioned that Dazai doesn't care about good or bad and that was correct for Dazai Osamu back then. I genuinely think that his present self does mind the difference.

He believes in necessary evil and will do dark shit to get the good outcome he's envisioned.

He doesn't separate outlaws and lawful people, however.

He knows that generally speaking, the line is thin and easy to cross and that many were born or forced into the situations they are. Those that fight the life thrown at them are an exception, not a rule. That's also why he likes Atsushi, probably the main reason. The boy has every right to hate the world and yet. Dazai is envious, he doesn't really have the same capacity.

I want now to talk about why does Dazai Osamu do what Dazai Osamu does.

The reason he attempts suicide, joined the mafia, made friends at all, is because for all his intelligence and observations, ability to understand others, he doesn't really understand himself.

He doesn't understand his worth. He doesn't understand his purpose. In all of that confusion, he finds no reason to live. He laughs but can't get the high, he bruises but can't fully heal. In all of the things people find happiness in he can't feel joy from. He is emotionally stunted. He thinks too logically. He doesn't understand actions out of emotions because to him, it doesn't make sense. Emotions cloud your mind and when you're not thinking straight, you make mistakes. Plain and simple. He just accepts it, that most people simply cannot control themselves and prefer lashing out instead of methodical approach. All the better for him, he has leverage. Even when he does act on impulse, which is incredibly rare and not as explosive and dramatic, his brain rationalises it as to why his actions were a good way to go. And if his reaction was one that bore fruit, than it was a tactical one.

"If you place yourself somewhere close to raw emotions, where you're exposed to raw violence and death, instinct and desire, you can brush against man's true nature. I though that way i could find a reason to live somehow."

From this, i can tell that he was hoping that, in a situation where he's pushed far enough, he'd realise what's important to him, what he wants to protect or destroy, what's one thing he wouldn't want to leave unsettled before dying. What is that one thing he'd regret dying before achieving? What should he fight death for. What is worth living on for? To him, it doesn't matter if that something is good or evil as long as he gets to keep it in his life.

It seems he hadn't found it exactly, but is satisfied with what he has for now, in the agency, to just keep going. But he still tries to commit suicide, hoping that one day, when the clear picture of the world around him is fading away, when he's becoming light headed from the lack of oxygen, when he's loosing control over his body and thoughts don't seem to flow well, there will be one thing, anyone, screaming at him to fight it. New day new chances. It didn't happen today, better luck tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow and tomo-.

Now, like Mori, Dazai feels the need to, at all times, be in control of the situation. Including people.

That means no one, but perhaps Ranpo due to his own abnormal intellect, is aware of their own role. They know their mission, but they're not expecting to be given that particular one because they'll come across an obstacle they would react to in a way that would satisfy Osamu's plans.

Dazai Osamu is more of a chemist, than a chess player, if you ask me.

Throwing different people into the mix, under different conditions at different times and is noting down their reactions in safe surrounding if possible, so that when the time calls for it, he'll be able to make a perfect concoction for the predicament. A chemist and his substances; A chess player and his pawns; A puppeteer and his puppets. Now, Dazai is meticulous and never rash, but like everyone else (except effin Lovecraft what is he even) he's only human and he bleeds when he falls down and humans aren't perfect. He isn't always right. That means he makes mistakes. The issue with big shot players that control the board is that, when they fall down, everyone on their side crashes and burns as well. So the day Dazai fucks up everyone else will follow because of lack of insight on their part that's completely out of their control. All it takes is for him to underestimate or overestimate one person and chaos ensues. There is no such thing as happy little accidents small mistakes for someone like him. I have crippling anxiety and a sole thought that one hiccup could blow up in everyone's face... damn. I would try committing suicide myself. But it's his fault, he brought upon himself an obligation and pressure like that. To be fair, it was Mori that drilled that type of thinking where no one should know what you plan because they can't ruin what they don't know If they turn against you, they can't stop you.

For his own sake, and everyone else's, Dazai needs to learn how to show his cards and share the burden.

Again, going back to the emotionally stunted guy that has commitment issues (where he either can't commit or can't let go) trope.

He never outright does something good for someone where people would acknowledge it, he uses his underhanded tactics here as well.

He casually makes himself look like a bad guy, an asshole, to conveniently move attention from the inner turmoil a person is struggling with to a present problem at hand that they can fix and let their frustrations out on. But he hopes that, one day, someone just might notice his intentions for what they are and do the unspeakable- see through him.

"I'm a very private person. You don't ask, i don't tell."

Yes, and your whole existence is just a huge cry for help. He wants to be asked. He's begging for attention. A specific type of attention. One that will see him without making him feel imposed on. One that will understand his sins without making a big deal out of it. Accept him as a person he is, makes him feel like one as well. Makes him feel alive. Makes him feel... period.

The day he finds that thing is the day he completely turns his life around and fully dedicates to it. It's where the part of not being able to let go commitment issue ensues.

Since Oda's death he's been secretly keeping an eye out on possible ways to bring him back. If you've read Beast AU you know that when Dazai gets his hands on the book, he'll create a universe where Oda doesn't die. Should he find an ability user that can bring back the dead, just tell him what it will take, he's ready to destroy his own soul for it and if that isn't enough, well, he'll have no hesitation ruining theirs. After all, BEAST!Dazai Osamu never actually met Odasaku, he just had the memories he'd gotten from his canon self and that was enough for him to do everything he did.

He's incredibly selfish and has a weird come in but the door is a wall dynamic he rolls with in his self imposed solitude.

It's like the walls of the space in my brain are ugly and terrifying, so i closed off the entrance to keep myself in. I'm doing you a favour but please break the wall down and tell me it's okay to come out i don't want to be here-

Happy little thoughts woah woah yeah~

That's what i got from what I've seen of him. I may have missed some things, some things might prove to be wrong as the series progress further, but yeah.

There is, however, one more thing i want to put out here. Since Dazai was already like this before Mori found him, that begs to question as to why? What happened to him?

Now, since the characters are based on real people, is it crazy to say that Dazai Osamu has had a horrible childhood because of his father? Real life Dazai was terrified of his dad and was very intimidated by him. He always tried to stay in his good graces out of fear of punishment. Neither of his parents felt like a parent to him, actually. His father didn't care and his mother was often ill, but did care for him when she could. Both of them died eventually.

This could be the plot Kafka based Dazai's background on, but we'll have to wait and see.

[nomenomens]

Nomen

Chapter VIII - Cesare and Lucrezia's theme

CW: hints at sex, but nothing explicit. If you want to know more, please consult 'About Nomen'

WC: around 2200 words

Previous Chapter : VII - Be My Mistake (No. 1 Party Anthem)

Next Chapter : IX - Evermore

Masterlist

************************************************************************************************************************************************

February 28, Monday, 8:37 (present time)

“Good morning My Lady. It’s a sunny Monday morning, and as usual your parents are at work, so I thought now would be the perfect time to bring you the new file that arrived last night.”

“Seb, you always speak too much when I wake up. Also, keep the curtains closed.”

“Forgive me, My Lad-“

“I think we’ve officially past the point of you calling me ‘My Lady’, don’t you agree?”

“You’ll be happy to know I have a feeling that with this new file I could find a name to use. In any case, shall we talk about what happened?”

“Well, I don’t think we have to. I wanted that, you clearly did too. I was surprised you acted so swiftly but I got what I needed so I guess it’s fine.”

“So you don’t need to put boundaries, yell at me for taking advantage of your weakness…?”

“Why should I? I told you, I wanted to sleep with you. I may even want to do that again sometimes.”

“Do you now?”

We agreed that sex was just a way for me to release tension and to be able to feel something again, physically and emotionally. With my great relief, I realized what I felt for him wasn’t pure love, but mostly lust. I needed love, I was craving it after losing both my brother and who I thought was the love of my life, but Sebastian wasn’t the right person to fill that void. He had been there for me when I was at my lowest, helping me in picking up the pieces of my heart and glueing them back together, making me face my new life and responsibilities, but I couldn’t let myself fall for that. Whatever he did, he had done it only because he wanted to raise my soul and cook his perfect meal: I knew this from the beginning and so I started to react against his will by doing the only thing I knew how to do perfectly, that was hiding my anger and all of my deepest feelings. Sure, there were times when my emotions resurfaced, and Sebastian had witnessed some of those moments, but most of the time I was perfectly collected and I scarcely ever surrender to his devious words. I also knew he thought that sex was the easiest way to finally break me and make me turn into a pawn in his hand, but he overlooked the fact that I wasn’t going to give him my heart. He could have my body, my soul, maybe even my mind, but he would never get my heart. That was of the promises I made to Cesare, one I wasn’t going to break. When the illness of my brother was starting to deteriorate his body, he made me promise three things. First, to make a contract with Sebastian only if I was desperate and willing to give up any chance at happiness, and I did that. Second, to never lose myself in hatred, rage and revenge, because I was kind and to him that was my greatest virtue. I’ve never been able to tell him that I wasn’t the kind angel he depicted me to be, that I was naive and ignorant more than tender. I wanted to refuse to agree to that because I felt like I was conning him, but I couldn’t bring myself to interrupt him that day. I tried to live up to his standards, but the sense of guilt clouded over my head never left since the day he died. The third promise I made that day was to never give my heart to someone that wasn’t willing to give his, and Sebastian probably didn’t even have one. With Tomoe, despite all the pain of my one-sided love, I had found enormous joy in the simple act of loving him. Just seeing him made me smile, every time he looked at me I felt so full of love, like my heart was on the point of burst. With Sebastian instead I felt fire. My stomach would drop whenever he moved around me, caressed me, protected me. However, after our night together I realized that there was nothing else I wanted from him if not physical contact. When I felt his skin under my skin I felt secure, protected, confident, and that brought me to the point of shivering and desiring him, but that wasn’t falling in love at all. That was just a lethal mixture of desire, empowerment, loneliness and apathy that I was trying to cure in the easiest and quickest way. It took me some time to figure it out, but at least I was sure my heart and my promises were safe, so I decided to surrender again and give in to his touch.

"I do."

************************************************************************

“Roni! Please pick up your package from the table and set it, lunch is almost ready!”

“Yes, sorry mum, I forgot to put it away after the courier arrived.”

“By the way, what have your bought?”

“Ehm…books, as always.”

“Well, you better tidy up and reorganize your library, there’s no room anymore! If you’re going to continue buying new books at this frequency, we’ll have to move to a public library.”

“Yeah, I know, but you know readin-“

“Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. I adore that you love reading so much but really, you’ll have to control yourself. Also, how much are you spending on it? Where do you find the money? You don’t have a job and we don’t give you so much money…books are expensive afterall.”

“Don’t worry mum, I share them with Irene, so we can both save money. And I save a lot of my money gifts from Christmases and birthdays.”

“If you say so.”

“Well, I live with you and you know I don’t get out much, it’s not like I can sell drugs on the streets.”

“I know that, but I also noticed you staring a lot from the window and spending a lot of time on your phone on the terrace.”

“What is this have to do with my money?”

“I don’t know, you just seem…off. Like something’s wrong. You want to talk with me about something…?”

“I swear I’m fine, mum. I’m just a young person stressed because of university stuff. Don’t worry.”

Despite my best, reassuring smile, my mum wasn’t convinced at all. But of course I couldn’t just tell her I wasn’t really her daughter and I received files about my past, present and future life almost every week. I couldn’t even tell her I was managing industries after my late brother or that I had a demon sleeping in my room every night because sometimes I had nightmares. I tried to involve her with Tomoe once, talking to her about this gorgeous character from a book I read and that was painful enough. She just can’t be a part of that side of my life, but if she was noticing something I had to be careful. 

************************************************************************

“Do you think this file is a fake one?”

“I’m sure it’s real.”

“What makes you say that?”

“Because your brother received it too. It had some differences though.”

“Really? Can I read his too?”

“I’m sorry My Lady, that file was destroyed with the others at the villa, in England.”

“Yes, right, I forgot. But you read it, didn’t you? You can tell me the differences.”

“Before I tell you, you already knew that your brother was actually adopted by your biological parents because a member of the society they knew died and left his only newborn son behind, am I correct?”

“Yes, he told me. And he also told me that it’s likely that I have another biological brother somewhere, but he didn’t have any clue about that, it was just a hunch.”

“Indeed. This is the file that gave him the hunch.”

“Oh. I see. Well then, where are the differences?”

“Actually, it’s more like an extension of the report. For starters, there are more details about your life.”

“Oh, yeah. Can’t wait to marry someone he disliked and die a widow, while leaving behind my child. Another file actually gave me a similar scenario now that I think about it.”

“But that’s not the main change. His file finished the moment the protagonist picks up a different way to do things, he chooses a sort of demonic path.”

“And Cesare told me that’s where you came along.”

“Yes, the file doesn’t mention me directly, but your brother thought it was referring to me, to our contract. All that comes later though…it wasn’t written there.”

“You mean…my brother can…”

“It could be a possibility for him to come back in this world, almost as written in this new file.”

I thought I would never be happy again. When I lost my Cesare, not even a year after losing Tomoe, I was sure that I’d lost everything. I was the shell of myself because I strongly believed nothing had sense anymore and living wasn’t something I was fond of, to begin with. My brother was my light. We’ve been together for a short time, but he showed me a world I loved living in. There were times when I questioned the importance of my life. I had all the essentials, I was lucky to have my loving parents, my two best friends, Irene and Elisa, I was a good student, I had a roof over my head and I wasn’t starving. Yet nothing seemed to be enough. I was being crushed between the awareness of my fortunes and the indifference I felt in front of them. I was empty, nothing mattered because I felt like I didn’t matter. I was loved, but whenever someone did something to demonstrate affection, I always ran away. I wanted to be invisible, but I craved for someone to notice me and appreciate me from a distance. I felt trapped in myself. My head was always too loud and too silent at the same time. I never listened to myself because I was afraid of thinking and realizing I was just a spoiled child who deserved nothing and that brought me to waste my time in books and characters, crying about their stories because I wasn’t able to focus on me. I wasn’t living, I was just existing and nobody knew about what was going on inside my head. No one knew I wanted to erase myself but felt too coward to actually do that. I used to think I didn’t even deserve to die and suffer because there was nothing wrong with my life, I wanted to find something to make my life miserable enough to gain the right to go away without leaving a trace. But again, I was a coward and I never did nothing that would be considered wrong: always obedient, always clean, never smoked, never drank, no wrong companies. I wanted to be part of something great and do absolutely nothing to change myself. I was lazy and demanding, stupid and arrogant, ignorant and judging. I was lost. But he saved me. Cesare gave me something no one else had given me: a purpose. Yes, I would’ve never been able to do something that wasn’t premeditated by who-knows-who, and I was pissed when I discovered it, but at the same time I was relieved: I had a role. I was going to fit in. I always felt like I was born to obey, my father used to say I would make a perfect soldier, and Cesare confirmed that in a way. I had to accept the files and I was almost happy to do that. Almost. In fact, I was still a demanding, spoiled child who hated impositions. I was a living contradiction and aware of it. However, Cesare embraced it all. He was both family and a stranger at my eyes and after receiving my first file I decided to let go of all of my fears and doubts and I fell in love with him. Obviously not in a romantic way, even though we joked about our peculiar kind of bond a lot, but I did love him. His kind and warm smile guided me out into the world and he never failed to make me feel better, happier, loved, seen. That damn winter day, when he died, a part of me died with him but now, this new file brought me hope. I thought I would never be happy again. But maybe, just maybe, I was going to get another chance. 

************************************************************************************************************************************************

Author's note: To be fair, this is a prelude to next chapter, that is one of the reasons why the song mentioned in the title doesn't compare in text. The other reasons are: it's an instrumental song, so there are no lyrics to begin with, and I wanted to try to insert a song without mentioning it in a dialogue or thoughts. It will happen again in the future chapters. As I was saying, the next chapter will include even more about Cesare and Lucrezia's relationship in a way, but her recollection of memories about him starts now, with the appearance of this new file that will be 'studied' more in future (a little hint can be seen in the tags). The song, that I'll link right below, is taken from The Borgias' soundtrack, a show I loved so much and has inspired part of this ff (Please search for the main theme of this show, it's truly amazing!) As always, thank you for reading!

[dendrodorididae]

Ok I’m trying my hand at fan fiction so

This is a Kaedehara Kazuha x his dead friend (Tomo) fic. TW for sh, suicide, angst, horny but not explicitly nsfw

-

-

Kazuha glanced at the sky above the ship. They had entered the sea surrounding Inazuma, and the vicious storm above began to soften. The traveler had insisted on going to his homeland, the place to which Kazuha never thought he’d return. As the ship moved closer to the islands, the man felt his nerves swell like the perilous waves below.

“Don’t worry, kid,” Beidou had said.

“It’ll be fine. It’s a quick stop, no ones gonna see you.” Despite the reassuring words, Kazuha couldn’t help but worry. Perhaps it was because he was a wanted fugitive? The man knew that this was part of it, but there was another reason. Something he couldn’t quite put his finger on.

The water below surged with electricity. The gentle hum of the energy was surprisingly calming. Kazuha leaned over the side of the ship as he listened. Eyes closing, a thought crossed the man’s mind. The tranquil nature of the water was similar to that of Tomo’s vision. Kazuha’s eyes quickly opened, and he was suddenly aware of the weight of the vision in his pocket. The gentle hum and warmth were gone, reminding him yet again of his friend’s demise.

The man also became aware of the dull pain in his hand. It was quite bothersome, but Kazuha found it despairing that the pain would fade. The burn was left by Tomo’s vision dying, and it was the last reminder of his friend being alive. It was the last reminder of the masterless vision being full of life. The more the wound healed, the more he realized that Tomo was gone.

“What are you so down about, Kazuha?” Beidou questioned. Kazuha turned to look at the woman, startled. He hadn’t realized that his face reflected his emotions. He quickly corrected his frown, and hoped that the falling rain masked the tears running down his cheeks.

“The fact that I’ll likely never be welcomed in my homeland again.” The man replied, lying through his teeth. He felt bad for being untruthful, but he knew that speaking his mind at that moment would make him break down. Beidou looked at him with a skeptical frown.

“Alright, kid, I won’t pry, but it can’t be healthy to keep shit bottled up like that.” Beidou replied. At that response, Kazuha knew that Beidou knew he was lying, which made him feel even worse about it. Noticing his guilty expression, Beidou grinned and gently ruffled the smaller man’s hair.

“Hey, don’t beat yourself up about lying, sometimes it the only way to keep your composure, y’know?” She said with concern in her tone. Kazuha looked up at the brunette and smiled, genuinely this time.

“Thank you, Beidou,” he spoke. Beidou grinned and walked away, and Kazuha redirected his gaze to the water. It was regular water this time, blue and quiet. He sighed and rested his head in his arms.

Not too long later, his eyes fluttered open, only to be met by the glaring sun. He quickly jumped to his feet. They were very close to Inazuma, close enough that he risked being seen.

“Oi, Kazuha!” Beidou called from the captains cabin. “I think it’s time you hid, we’re getting close!” Kazuha nodded, and quickly headed downstairs into Beidou’s small wine cellar. He despised the smell of alcohol, but ultimately decided that anywhere was a better hiding place than the bilge (the bilge is a cavity in the bottom of a boat filled with rancid water). The man crawled into the empty cupboard that Beidou had prepared for him, and gently closed the door. Luckily for Kazuha, the scent of the cedar wood walls overthrew that of the alcohol.

He relaxed as much as he could in the cramped space. His knee pressed uncomfortably against his injured hand, making the wound sting.

“Shit..” he mumbled. As bad as the pain was, Kazuha knew that there wasn’t enough room to readjust his position. He glanced over to his burnt hand. The darkness of the cupboard masked it from view, but he felt the bandage tightly wrapped around his skin. It had been almost a month since the incident, and Kazuha knew that Beidou would soon grow curious as to why the burn hadn’t healed. He knew that he wouldn’t be able to explain to her. Not that the burns were self inflicted, not why he didn’t want the wound to heal, and definitely not how much he enjoyed holding a torch to his hand, watching the skin char and blister, and… he pushed the thought out of his mind. He knew that what he was doing was wrong, but it felt so right. The more he did it, the more he knew that wasn’t really to just keep the wound open, but instead for the euphoric pain.

The ship suddenly halted, the force slamming Kazuha against the wall. He grunted at his knee slammed into his hand. Despite the throbbing pain making him grimace, he quickly calmed himself, and fixed his position as best as he could. He silently wished that his ‘hobby’ didn’t have such painful side effects.

Kazuha waited what felt like hours. The walls of the cupboard seemed to dig into his skin, and his limbs were sore from being idle for so long. Joy flooded his mind as he felt the boat begin to move, but the feeling was short lived. After all, he still had to wait until he left Inazuma’s waters.

Boredom must have gotten to him, because Kazuha’s mind began to wander. And of all things, he began to think about Tomo. Kazuha didn’t let himself do this often, as it often led to a spiral, but he simply didn’t care enough to stop himself this time. Luckily, he wasn’t thinking about his friend’s death, but rather how he made him feel. Whenever speaking with Tomo, Kazuha couldn’t help but notice how his friend’s lips moved, how his eyes scrunched up in the corners when he was happy, how his gray hair flew in the wind. He couldn’t help but think about what those lips would feel like against his. He knew that it was wrong to have these thoughts about another man, but he just couldn’t help it. He wanted Tomo in a way that he shouldn’t.

Kazuha often pushed away his fantasies about his friend, but today, he decided to let himself sink in thought. He thought about his friend’s hand gripping his back, the other running through his hair. He imagined his own hands cupping Tomo’s face, all as there lips pressed together. He imagined them occasionally pulling apart to take a breath, but the kiss would deepen each time they rejoined. He imagined his cheeks flushing, but that part wasn’t so imaginary. He imagined their tongues sliding against each other. He imagined Tomo’s hot breath against his face. He imagined Tomo pushing him down and laying on top of him. He imagined Tomo’s hand sliding to remove his shirt, before sliding even lower-

“Kazuha, you can come out of hiding now!” Beidou called as she opened the cupboard doors. Kazuha looked at her, his face an embarrassing shade of red.

“You’re pretty red, are you ok?” Beidou questioned. Kazuha tumbled out of the cupboard.

“Ye-yeah… I guess this cup-cupboard is just pretty hot,” He stuttered, growing redder by the second. Beidou chuckled.

“So, you’ve got a crush, huh?” She turned and started towards the stairs.

“Ah, young love,” she teased, despite only being a few years older.

“She must be a pretty hot bitch to get you all red like that,” Beidou walked out onto the deck, and Kazuha put his face in his hands. He wanted to correct her so badly, but he knew that Beidou would abandon him. No one could know that he liked men, they would hate him. His thoughts were interrupted by a meow. A meow? There weren’t any cats on the ship. He turned towards the sound and saw a small white cat. His eyes grew in shock. It was Tomo’s cat.

Kazuha crawled towards the feline. Was it really Tomo’s? His suspicions were confirmed when he saw its collar. It was the friendship bracelet that he had made his friend many years ago. What was it doing here? He also noticed a piece of paper, folded into the cat’s collar. He grabbed it and undid the folds, and realized it was a letter. A letter from Tomo.

Dear Kazuha,

I hope that this letter finds you as soon as possible. As you know, I have challenged the Raiden Shogun to a duel. I have always wanted to experience divine punishment, and me dying was no mistake. I wish I could’ve told you in person, but even now I can’t do it. The truth is, I don’t like women in a romantic way. I have feelings about men that I shouldn’t. I have feelings about you that I shouldn’t.

My family found out about these feelings, though. They said that they never wanted to see me again. Now that I have no place to call home, no family, and likely no vision soon, I have decided that suicide is my best option. I know that I could never win against the Raiden Shogun, and it is the perfect opportunity for me.

Kazuha, I want you to know that it’s not your fault. You are the person that has kept me going this long, but I just can’t do it anymore. What I truly want is a happy future with you, but I know that will never happen. My last request is that you tell the others about my sexuality. Tell them I’m sorry for resorting to death.

Also, I’m sorry to you. I’ve burdened you with my death, my feelings, and an errand. I know that you probably hate me by now, but you had to know. Please, remember that I love you. I love you from the bottom of my heart, and it hurts me to hurt you. I wish I could give you just one kiss before I die, I really do, but I guess I’m just a coward.

Thank you and goodbye, -Tomo

Kazuha couldn’t believe his eyes. His vision blurred as fat tears rolled down his face and landed on the paper. His hands trembled, and he let out a sob. He raised his hands to his face as he began crying loudly.

“Tomo..” he whimpered. He grabbed the paper from his lap and hugged it tight. Kazuha was crying so hard that he didn’t even notice Beidou enter the cellar, not until she rested her hand on his shoulder.

“Hey, are you ok?” She questioned, worry in her tone.

“You can tell me things, you know,” she said. She sounded so genuine, that Kazuha considered telling her everything. And that’s just what he did. He slowly outstretched his arm, and offered Beidou the letter. The brunette accepted, and began reading. Her eyes widened as she got further down the page. She gently placed the paper on the floor, and pulled Kazuha into a hug.

“I’m so sorry,” she said. Kazuha hugged back, and sobbed into her shoulder. They remained like that for a while, before Kazuha looked into her eye.

“Could I… tell you everything?” He asked. Beidou met his gaze and nodded. Kazuha took a breath and began to speak.

“I- I love Tomo too. I always have,” he started. Beidou’s face lit up with realization.

“Ohhh,” she said, as if she was putting a puzzle together. She must have remembered her input about Kazuha’s crush from before, because her face flushed with embarrassment.

“OHH… she said.

“Sorry, sometimes I forget that not everyone likes women.” She chuckled sheepishly. Kazuha looked up at her with bewilderment.

“Y-you too?” He said. Beidou nodded.

“Yeah, pretty much everyone on board is some flavor of queer,” she spoke. Kazuha’ face lit up, and more tears welled up in his eyes.

“Is that everything you wanted to tell me?” Beidou questioned. Kazuha shook his head.

“You know the burn on my hand?” He started. Beidou looked down at said hand and nodded.

“It healed a while ago. I… The ones there now are self inflicted, and I can’t stop doing it.” Kazuha admitted. His words sped up in the end, as if he was trying to spit them out as fast as possible. Guilt swelled in his stomach, before he noticed Beidou looking at him with the most loving expression.

“That’s ok, kid,” she comforted. She pulled off one of her gloves to reveal old, whitened scars that littered her forearm.

“I’ve been through the same shit, I can help you as much as you need.”

Kazuha melted at the sheer kindness. He leaned back into the embrace and began crying one again. Beidou patted his back, before asking another question.

“Oh yeah, what’s with the cat?”

[blissfulsun]

based on this & this lovely request❣️✨

word count: 1,926

What are we? // Jeff Wittek

Jealousy is an ugly emotion. A little green monster that grips at you and lodges in your throat. 

Jeff hates the feeling, despises its cause as he watches you laugh at something David whispers to you in the crowded room, swapping secrets and elbowing each other back and forth without a single care for anyone else around. 

He knows he has no right to be angry with anyone other than himself, you’re just friends, nothing more nothing less, just as Dave is one of his closest friends too. 

It doesn’t make the ridiculous possessiveness rumbling in his chest any less apparent, especially when he remembers what got him here in the first place. 

The memory of your vulnerable expression still a permanent feature in his mind, how your posture slightly deflated when he finally answered the pained question you’ve been holding to yourself for so long. What are we? 

How you left his apartment in a hurry when Jeff finally stopped staring at you with a helpless look in his eyes, coughing awkwardly before he finally gathered his bearing enough to ramble on in a stuttered speech that more or less could be shortened to ‘I’m not ready for anything serious’ 

You glance at him from the corner of your eye, easy to spot towering over other people and with numerous beautiful women within his vicinity. 

Jeff’s always the centre of attention in every room, you’d know, it’s how you met him all those years back, in his Miami days, before your paths crossed again here, in LA a couple of months back. 

Your mind flashes back to that fateful night last week when he looks in your direction and you make eye contact that lasts for less than a second before your gaze returns to the friend as your side. 

There was so much more you wanted to say, to ask. What are we? 

He holds your hand and cuddles you in your bed or his couch wraps his arm around your waist from behind when a stranger starts a conversation with you or loops his fingers through your jeans as your group of friends enters every party, scanning the crowd and frowning at the numerous sets of eyes that follow your every step. 

But he won’t kiss you. Never lets words of exposed affection slip past his lips unless it's late at night and he thinks you’ve already fallen asleep with your head on his chest or in the crook of your neck. 

The night carries on, the party goes on in hours of drinking and endless fun as you stick to David’s side. 

He’s one of the first people in the group you made friends with, felt close to immediately just from the warm presence he exudes, your childlike tendencies reflecting each other’s youthful side. 

You remain completely oblivious to the tear in Jeff’s armour, growing bigger with every booming laugh and smile swapped between you and the messy-haired brunet, arms looped together as you follow each other around. Jeff doesn’t speak to you at all that night. 

The quiet prevailing even as only you two, David and Natalie remain in the car, the pretty assistant snoring quietly in the back of the Tesla. 

You’re sat in the front seat, music playing quietly from the stereo Dave’s turned on once he’s realised no one is willing to break the silence that’s coated the car when Zane’s stumbled out with a last drunken goodbye kiss to your cheek through the open window. 

You’ve only had a couple of drinks yourself, stomach heavy with something harder to swallow than any alcohol. 

David senses your unease, eyes flickering between your zoned out expression and Jeff’s stone cold one in the backseat before he picks up a conversation, words gentle as he asks you about something or other to keep your mind occupied.

It works. Well enough to have you laughing with your head thrown back just as he stops outside of your apartment building. 

You don’t worry about waking Nat up, well aware the girl is dead to the world with the number of shots she took with your friends earlier in the night. 

Your eyes soften, head leaning against the headrest of your seat as you sigh once the laughter shaking your chest calms down. 

You don’t even think about it as it happens, hand reaching out in your slightly tipsy state to grasp David’s own on the steering wheel to squeeze affectionately in a silent thanks. 

He understands what it is you’re thankful for without words. Nodding as he says his goodbye. 

Jeff watches it all happen, ear attuned to every happy sound that ever leaves your mouth. 

Sad eyes following your every move out of habit, the weight in his chest crushingly heavy as your small hand wraps around someone else's. 

His ears perk up as Dave shouts an ‘I’ll pick you up at 7 tonight!’ To which you nod and shut the car door behind you. 

It hurts almost as bad as the realisation that you didn’t say goodbye to him. 

The hope that disillusioned him into thinking this would be like any other night, that you’d turn around in your seat, or better yet, in his lap, where you usually sit in the car and ask him to stay the night, dwindling in his chest as David starts the Tesla back up and turns the corner on your street, your building disappearing out of sight while you remained deeply ingrained in his mind. 

Jeff hasn’t had a single drop of alcohol. Never usually drinks anyway, but even more so ever since you’ve started hanging out with them, forgetting about having a beer or two in favour of remaining sober in order to look out for you or after you at the end of the night as you giggle against his chest and demand him to cuddle you every single time without a fail. It’s a pattern he’s grown to love. 

Almost as much as he loves the girl that he thinks is going on a date with one of his best friends in a couple of hours. 

David doesn’t get to ask him what’s been up with him, with both of you, all night, or even for the past couple of days as he keeps his eyes closed and head leaning against the cold window, pretending to be asleep until he feels the car park. 

‘Thanks’ Jeff’s goodbye is short, hand falling atop of his friend’s shoulder before the door shuts behind him and he stalks away to the entrance of his building. 

David watches on, head shaking in exasperation at just how stubborn two people can be before he drives off home. 

Falling asleep isn’t an easy fit for Jeff that night. Body twisting and turning under his sheets even as two turns to three in the morning before he finally decided he’s had enough. 

The knocking wakes you from your light slumber, stumbling out of bed and to the door where you first check the peephole before opening the door to find Jeff on the other side. 

He looks frantic, eyes a little red and movements frantic as he storms past your sleepy self, your hair a mess and one of his t-shirts adorning your body. 

You yawn, closing the door behind the man before you turn to look at him walking up and down the length of your hallway. 

It’s quiet still, the only sound being his heavy steps before Jeff stops, turns on the spot to face you again and say: 

‘I’m sorry, okay? Is that what you wanted to hear?! I’ve been going crazy trying to figure out how you can go from spending every night at mine to suddenly going out with someone else - one of my best friends! Just like that. It’s not fair y/n! You can’t just -’ 

He pauses in his speech, words lulled at the sight of your eyebrow raised in a challenge before his shoulders drop in defeat. 

‘He’s not good enough for you’ Jeff finally resonates. 

You can’t help but let the delusional giggle slip past your mouth, brain still lagging with sleep as you chortle and reply, ‘He’s your friend!’ in exasperation. 

‘I’m not good enough for you either.’ His reply makes you pause, laughter dying in your throat. 

You watch Jeff groan, hands safely tucked in the pockets of his sweats as he shrugs. 

‘What I mean is...no one is, good enough for you, alright?’ While you’re lost in your own thoughts spiralling from his words and endlessly mixed signals, Jeff uses the opportunity to close the distance between you, hands leaving his pockets to wrap around your waist gently and pull you closer, missing having you next to him like this. 

‘Last week...’ Jeff clears his throat when you look up at him, pretty features defiant but eyes curious. 

‘When I said I didn’t want anything serious, any labels...’ he stammers. 

The reminder that someone, anyone, could swoop in and see you for what you are: the best girl, his girl, and take you away, just like that, is enough to light a fire. 

‘What I meant was, I’m scared of being serious, of us, this’ his confession aided by the tightening of his fingers around your frame. 

‘Of what we already are without ever saying it out loud before. Doll, you mean everything to me. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you that when you asked me to clear it up. I know you’ve been patient with me and you have this date with David tomo-’ You interrupt him with a kiss. 

A simple peck that’s intended to shut him up for a second. 

It’s effective, rendering the man speechless long enough to allow you to clarify. ‘I love you. I’m not going on a date with Dave, or anyone, if it isn’t you.’ 

The look of confusion that passes Jeff’s face is adorable enough for you to reach up on your tiptoes and lay another sweet kiss on his mouth, one he eagerly reciprocates, one hand flying to rest in the nape of your neck while he pulls you closer against his chest. 

Jeff pulls away eventually, breath heavy and eyes closed as he lays his forehead against your own. 

‘What about? I thought you two - tonight?’ You giggle again, his heart doing somersaults against his ribcage at the sweet sound, one he’s missed so dearly, especially when he hasn’t been the cause of it for the last seven days. 

‘We’re going to set up a prank at Jason’s house with Ilya while he’s out’ you explain. 

Jeff lets out a sigh, shoulders dropping and body relaxing at your words before his eyes open and arms wrap around you to pick you up. 

You squeal in surprise, hands flying to wrap around his neck as he walks to your bedroom. 

‘Let’s get you to bed baby, I know how sleepy you get when you drink & I wanna take my girl out for breakfast today’ You yawn, only confirming his observation.

‘Like a date?’ you can’t help but tease, watching him take his sweats off and crawl under the covers on his side of the bed, arm reaching out for you before he pulls you into him and wraps it around your waist. 

‘Like a date’ Jeff confirms, words whispered into your hairline but you hear the smile that’s there as you begin to drift off. 

‘I love you so much baby’ he adds. You both fall asleep with smiles on your lips.

[graceverse]

Yeah ok, you asked for it.

An Unexpected Invitation

Part 2

He had never really, truly known silence. Even when he was alone, there is always that buzzing sound inside his head. Sometimes if he listened closely enough it would sound like the sharpest blade slicing through silk and flesh. Or if not that, then the softest exhale of a last dying breath; or the whispering sound of snow falling on snow.

There’s a Japanese word for that, shinshin.

One of the few things that he actually liked about this god forsaken country: the beauty of his own language. Though he so very rarely used it in all the years that he had spent in China, he was pleased that it was not lost to him. Unlike everything else that tied him to his motherland.

Not that China as a country is any better than Japan, but at least it wasn’t filled with ghosts that haunted him. And they were many; all the ghosts inside his head. Tomoe was just one of them. He wasn’t bothered by it. She’d smile at him inside his head and everything else would just fade away. It was just her and her smile and he was content.

Yukishiro Enishi had not expected any kind of silence inside his cell, which unfortunately faced the alleyway that the police used to move captured criminals, either in and out of the prison. There was always someone unruly, heavily protesting the indignation of being bound and dragged inside the building. If it wasn’t that it was pitiful wailing, asking for forgiveness, begging for another chance. Worst were the angry screams of denial, the insistence of their innocence. It annoyed him endlessly.

Reading Oneesan’s diary diminished the vulgar noises hounding him. With her diary clutched in his hand, it was just him and her words. He would gently turn the pages, trace the ink on paper and as he read it, he hear his sister’s voice. It calmed him down. Most of the time, at least. There had been a night of pure rage and the agony; finding out how his sister had hidden her true heart from him. He’d slammed his fist against the walls, banged his head until he thought it would crack open and all of his craziness will just spill out from his split head.

Why, neesan? Why couldn’t you have trusted me enough to let me know what you were planning?

But it had only been the briefest of moments where he felt betrayed. In the end, even with Tomoe’s diary, nothing could waver his conviction of his sister’s faultlessness in everything that had happened to them. Neesan had taken care of him ever since he could remember, his first memories had been of her touch, her eyes, her voice singing lullabies well into the night. She had tried to make everything better and she had the courage to marry the man that had slain her own love. But she had ultimately been too soft, too trusting. She had a woman’s kind and gentle heart and had allowed Battousai’s despicable lies to change her resolve for vengeance.

Would it have made any difference if he had known what neesan had really felt?

He doubted it. The mere presence of Battousai in their life invited danger and death. And he remembered how it made him feel so deeply ashamed that the hitokiri was living with his sister, tainting her with the blood of his victims.

There was no reason for him to feel deceived by his beloved neesan. Battousai would have, one way or another, caused her death. It doesn’t matter how. Testament to this was the fact that even now, despite having distorted himself into the foolishness of a rurouni – a shameful farce of trying to atone for his sins – the woman he had chosen, the Kamiya girl that Enishi had taken and failed to kill, had been subjected to several abductions and all sorts of regrettable torture. From almost choking to death from Udō Jin-e’s curse to nearly drowning when she’d been thrown out of The Rengoku, Battousa had turned her into a target. One that he had not been able to properly protect.

How many times had Battousai failed that woman? More times that Enishi could care count.

Battosai was cursed. All the lives that he touches, he befouls. And eventually, he does not even have to wield his joke of a sword, in the end, they will all turn into nothing but torn silk and spilled blood against pristine white snow.

----------------

It didn’t take long for the Mibu Wolf to come and visit him. They had taken him to a room barely lighted by the lone overhead lantern, madly swinging and throwing dark shadows around him. He would have snorted at this childish game that Saitō Hajime, now known as Fujita Gorō, had chosen to play. Did he think that he was someone that could be so easily intimidated? Did he need any reminder of what he was capable of, weaponless except for a child’s toy, on the trin when he had allowed to arrest him? Or was this some sort of insult that he was supposed to angrily respond to?

Enishi felt no emotion to be honest, even when Saitō started laying down all the documents that he had been able to confiscate from wherever he’d gotten them. It wasn’t until a signed confession from the useless Heishin that Enishi felt just a twinge of irritation. He should have bashed that bastard’s skull.

Wordlessly, he picked the paper, idly glancing at it before tossing it back, silently fluttering to the floor.

The wolf bared his teeth.

Did the government ordered the ever-reliable Fujita-san to ask him the names of all the ten battleships that he had? Because Shishio’s Rengoku was the smallest of those ships. Shishio Makoto was all fight and salivating insanity but he hardly had any money to sustain his quest for war. Enishi had practically given that battleship for free and it was purely out of curiosity. He had gotten into so much trouble with the Chinese organization that helped him obtain those ships. He had to pay it out of his own pocket but it was all worth it.

He had wanted to see just how far Shishio could get in a fight with Battousai. Not so much as it turned out. He couldn’t even properly bomb Tokyo as he had wanted to. It was all so very disappointing but not in the least bit surprising. These Hitokiri’s were mere berserkers, nothing refined in the way they planned their attacks. To defeat their enemy was all, kill, kill, kill and it bored him.

He kept his silence as Saitō explained how he had taken him this long to piece together everything that he needed to ensure that Yukishiro Enishi will be tried as a spy, a traitor to the Meiji Government and for that, they both know that the punishment is death.

Blah blah blah blah

Did the ex-captain of the Shinsengumi (first squad ­– he made you remember that at least, like it was supposed to mean something to anyone) now a special agent for the Meiji Government's Department of Internal Affairs, really think that he would be bothered by his impending death? Or a lifetime of imprisonment? Anything that they throw at him would only be a shadow of what he had gone through in Shanghai. The years of suffering from hunger and humiliation, disease and violence, training on his own to perfect his own fighting style?

Enishi was prepared to die and meet his sister once again.

Unless, and here, the cunning wolf flicked his still lit cigarette – a foul thing – over Enishi’s shoulder, the heat and ashes leaving a trail against his cheeks. He would kill him for that, Enishi thought, unblinkingly.

And then, the wolf leaned forward to tempt the tiger.

-----------------

Freshly released from prison, all of his papers proving the pardon so generously afforded to him by a government desperate to stop another war shoved inside the pocket of his jacket, Enishi calmly shook any traces of gunpowder residue from his hands. His now emptied warehouse (damn, the government for confiscating everything) was lighted with flames that will spread quickly enough. It would be a massive fire and Fujita-san would probably disapprove, but he did not, quite frankly, give a fuck.

He kept his head low, unhurriedly weaving in and out the crowd, trying to be as inconspicuous as possible. His height has some disadvantages, true but he was still weaponless and without his watō slung against his shoulder, he looked like the usual foreigner traipsing around Tokyo, not a care in the world.

The Mibu Wolf will only give him his sword back if he could get the Kamiya-girl to agree. And something tells Enishi that this was really more to piss off Battousai than anything else. What a tiring game these two old fools were playing, but he will play along. He had nothing else to do anyway. And besides, his watō was at stake. He could probably just steal it from, escape Japan and just live out his life somewhere far from this madness but then, where’s the fun in that?

He had allowed himself a leisurely walk towards the dojo, the constant sound of summer surrounding him: tiny voices of children playing inside their yard, underneath the shaded trees; parents calling out for a refreshing sip of cold water; that buzzing sound inside his head.

He always had sensitive hearing, a secret weapon that he had incorporated to his Watōjutsu. It was a source of pride, how this swordskill is known only to him and how it could have finally defeated Battousai had that stupid Heishin ruined his plan. Kami, if the wolf had not killed him yet, he would be looking for him soon enough.

------------------

Enishi stood by the familiar entryway of the dojo, tilted his head and confirmed the only presence inside. He pushed the wooden gate and wordlessly walked inside, heading straight to the engawa, where for the first time in his entire life, he hears nothing but silence as he stared down at the Kamiya girl sprawled on the floor, napping it seemed.

Her dark hair was fanned around her face, not in a flattering way, to be honest. But the contrast of her hair and her skin and the peach-colored kimono she was wearing, riding a little high on her legs, exposing her knees, made her look almost --- precious.

No, no. He shook his head. Not precious, but so exposed and vulnerable. He glanced around him. No bokken in sight. And defenseless. Again, Battousai had left her like this? This supposed ruruoni must be addle-brained and as inept as Heishin. They both deserve to die.

But yes, how odd. Enishi thought, not even the sound of their breathing. Because he was certain that they were both breathing. He could feel the steady beating of his heart and as he squinted at her prone form, the rise and fall of her chest was quite obvious in her partially opened kimono.

The sight offered him a brief distraction and he had been just the tiniest bit surprised when she suddenly woke up and threw a tea cup at him.

Maybe not so vulnerable and defenseless then.

-------------------

She was feisty. He hadn’t known that she had it in her to fight like that. Clumsily and rather slow, but it could be that she was wearing a kimono, restricting her movement. He could not find fault in her fighting stance and with the way she swung her bokken, with outmost conviction, Enishi was certain she could lay waste to Heishin's pathetic bodyguards. Her skills were better than theirs at least and this was probably the highest compliment he was forced to give to a girl.

Her battle cry was also impressive. It brought back his hearing at least.

Now he could hear every whistling sound the bokken made as it sliced through the air; her panting breath, the way she muttered curses at him.

She was so very, very angry and he had done absolutely nothing to her but ask her if was already married. A rather important detail that he needed confirmation on if was really going to follow through with the wolf's sadistic plan.

Enishi needed her to calm down otherwise, he’d be forced to defend himself and then he would end up straddling, arms pinned above her – because that was the only way to get her to stop trying to hit him. Being motherless and growing up with his sister, Enishi thought he knew how to handle women or at least girls. But this Kamiya-girl, with her angry breathing and needless cursing was quite a surprise. The women he had dealt with in China were really almost similar to the women in Japan: docile and soft spoken, but apparently not this woman.

Was this the ruruoni’s choice? Or the Battousai? Enishi wondered if her violent temper triggered something in his worthless brother-in-law, because he could not understand how exactly did anyone take her so easily when she was like this?!

Another swing from her bokken and that was just an inch away from his nose.

The triumphant gleam in her eyes told him that she was aware of this and to prevent any further violence, Enishi finally stepped forward, which she must have taken as gesture of surrender, because she met him head on, bokken raised high on her head.

He grabbed it easily, tossing it away and wondering if he would have to break every damn bokken inside this training hall just to make her stop. Curiously, he asked her, without his formulated explanation because, really, he had forgotten everything that he had been planning to tell her, if she had wanted to go to Shanghai with him – well, it effectively shut her up, her whole body suddenly immobilized by surprise.

He let two seconds pass before he provoked her yet again with, “Is that a yes, Kamiya-san?”

Her eyes blazed and then, completely out of nowhere and totally unprepared for it, her fist connected with his nose.

It knocked off his eyeglasses and now ---- now he is pissed.

------

So I guess, tbc?!

[thingswhatareawesome]

oh, my dreams (never quite as it seems)

title: oh, my dreams (never quite as it seems) fandom: Tiger and Bunny pairing: Barnaby/Kotetsu (taibani) word count: 2150 summary: Kotetsu’s been having these dreams for most of his life. But they don’t mean anything, right? They’re just some strange coincidence, right? There’s no such thing as soulmates, right?

For the For the March Flash Fiction day two prompt: “Looking for me?”

I know I felt like this before But now I'm feeling it even more Because it came from you

The first time it happened, Kotetsu was young. He and Tomoe had just gotten engaged and were discussing moving to Stern Bild City so he could try to catch the attention of a sponsor and get hired as a hero. Normally not very prone to dreaming, especially with as exhausted as they were after days packed with wedding planning and packing for the move, plus his training and trying to find work, one night he slipped into a strangely clear and coherent dream.

He was being stared down by a scowling blond man who looked just a bit older than him, with a stern face and cold green eyes behind his glasses, wearing a strange mecha-looking suit. The man eventually sighed and gave a frustrated huff. “I thought you were looking for me.”

“Buddy, I have no idea who you even are,” Kotetsu sassed, then abruptly woke up. Blinking up at the ceiling, he thought, what the hell?

Kotetsu forgot the dream soon after, and would have forever if not for it happening again. Life was amazing, everything was going just great! Except Kotetsu was so busy his head spun and it felt like he couldn’t manage to remember everything with all that was going on. He was a hero! And it was everything he hoped for! Mostly! When his sponsors weren’t yelling at him about damages and Ben wasn’t aggravated because he kept doing what he wanted and not what the higher ups at Hero TV wanted! And Tomoe was pregnant! He was going to be a dad to a little girl!  

Then one night he dreamt of that frowning man again, who looked at him and asked, “You said you were looking for me?”

Kotetsu stared and stammered, “I, shit, did I forget something? Did I have an appointment with you? Was it an interview? Did Tomoe need me to get something from you for the nursery?” He flailed and patted at his pockets. “To do list, to do list, oh man, did I lose it?”

The blond man rolled his eyes and ran a hand through his long, swoopy-curled hair with a sigh that suddenly sounded familiar. “Never mind.”

And then Kotetsu woke up, Tomoe laying on his now numb and asleep right arm, and he murmured, “Huh. Stress is really getting to me.”

*

The next time the dream happened, Tomoe was gone. His daughter was in a different city, living with his mother. And Kotetsu was alone. Alone in his apartment, alone in his bed, alone in a sprawling, bustling city where no one really gave a crap about him.

Kotetsu thought he was asleep, but his eyes were open and he was staring up at the shadowed ceiling, and that guy was there in his room, just standing there looking at him. Except this time he was in normal clothes, pants and boots and a red leather jacket. He was frowning like the other times, but different somehow, like he wasn’t so much angry as just…serious, somber, somehow. Concerned, maybe? A little bit.

“Were you…looking for me?” the man asked quietly.

“No.” Kotetsu paused, blinked slowly as he thought for a long moment. “I don’t think I’m looking for anyone or anything anymore.” The only person he wanted to look for was far, far beyond his reach. “But. I. I dunno, I guess…I could use a bit of company for a little bit? If that’s okay.”

The blond man nodded, and Kotetsu felt his eyes flutter, then close, suddenly so very heavy. The last thing he felt before sinking into sleep was the sensation of someone brushing his hair back from his forehead and running a finger every so gently beneath his damp eyes.

*

Five years later, Kotetsu met Barnaby Brooks Jr.

Back at home after that bizzarre day, remembering those three old dreams and thinking about getting caught like a damsel in distress earlier as he fell, being called old man, *and* being shown up on live TV by the aggravating new guy (that somehow he knew??), he rubbed at his face with his hands roughly.

“What,” Kotetsu said to the empty room, “the fuck?”

*

Not long after that, his mother told a tale during one of their phone calls of people who sometimes dreamed of soulmates. Usually, she lectured, the dreams would happen over and over, only ceasing when an emotional connection was formed—like a close friendship or even a romantic relationship. Those whose hearts formed a special bond of love would even begin to see a red string connecting each other.

Kotetsu had snorted and waved a hand to make her stop. Nah, no way, no how was he believing in that sort of cheesy crap. And anyway, he’d already found his soulmate, and lost her, and no young upstart was ever going to be anything like Tomoe had been for him.

*

Well. Okay. Maybe Bunny would end up a friend after all. A good friend. A bona fide partner even. And Kotetsu would do anything for him.

But soulmate? Bunny would surely never let him *that* close. And certainly it would never be romantic love. Tomoe had been it for him. Kotetsu reminded himself of that, swore it to himself, more and more often, each restless night when it was just him in the quiet and dark, or during the day when he caught sight of Bunny and felt a strange pang in his chest, sharp behind his sternum. Tomoe had been *it*, he thought again, feeling the solidness of his wedding ring digging into his finger as he clenched his fist.

And anyway, the dreams had stopped, Kotetsu thought to himself. It’d been years. So whatever connection had already happened, right?

Plus soulmates weren’t real so the dreams stopping was just a random thing that didn’t mean anything anyway. Right?

*

Then the dream happened again. After…after he’d hurt Bunny, by not telling him about losing his powers or wanting to retire, by not trusting him. By *slapping* him. When Kotetsu fell asleep while waiting for Samantha Taylor to return to her home, he saw Bunny walking away from him into an endless expanse of darkness. “Bunny,” he shouted, running to chase after him, reaching and reaching for him, hand outstretched to try to grab him, but he could never manage to get close enough. “Bunny! I’m sorry! I’m looking for you, please, I’m looking for you! Where are you?”

He woke on an unfamiliar couch, mumbling “Where are you?” out loud as he slipped from dream to reality. But then everything blew up in his face, almost literally, and Kotetsu was too busy running for his life and trying to figure out what bizzarro world he was in where no one remembered him to wonder or worry why the dream had returned.

Or why it had changed.

*

Everything was fine. Everything was good. Great, even! Kotetsu retired and moved back home, where ha could be around his daughter and his family, and could be there for Kaede as she learned more and more about her new NEXT powers. He could be there to help his brother at his store when needed, and could help his mother with her garden and with fixing up the house. He was useful!

He was…just sitting around the house, to be honest. A lot. He was so uncool and boring, according to Kaede. He was…

He was missing Bunny. And he was having the dreams again.

A lot.

The dreams were always the same now. Similar to the one he’d had that night at Samantha Taylor’s home, Bunny would be walking away from Kotetsu, never stopping or turning back. Kotetsu would reach out for him but never catch him—though he didn’t shout at Bunny with the same deperation as he had in that earlier dream. Now, he just called out for Bunny, saying “I’m looking for you!” like he was calling to Kaede when she got too far ahead in a crowd and he couldn’t see her. Or sometimes in a tone of voice like Kotetsu had spotted an old school friend across the street, friendly and delighted. Or sometimes yelling to Bunny while sounding oddly lonely and wistful.

And sometimes he’d call out for Bunny flirtatiously, with a lilt to his voice like he used to do when he was being playful and silly with Tomoe.

Huh. Interesting.

Those times, when he woke from the dream, Kotetsu would think Oh. Is that how it is now? Is it? Maybe?

But not like he would ever try to find Bunny and see if the new dreams meant anything. Bunny was getting to live his own life now, finally. And he deserved that—and Kotetsu would do anything to make sure it stayed that way. He could put up with a few dreams if it meant that somewhere out there, Bunny was truly enjoying his life and was happy.

Though the sitting around the house thing, the being an uncool dad thing, the kind of sort of maybe missing being a hero thing? Those, he could do something about. There surely was a way Kotetsu could try again. Make the best of his situation. Kotetsu had Ideas!

*

Being a Second League hero wasn’t so bad. Sure, sometimes he messed up or looked foolish, sometimes the network or fans made fun of him, but that wasn’t all that different than First League had been. And Kotetsu was there on his own terms, making the best of it, and he wasn’t ever going to give up. Not anymore. Wild Tiger was never going to be a quitter, ever again.

Not even when he got caught like a princess needing rescuing yet *again*. Not even when he was going to get written up for damages to some dumb car (and this time it wasn’t even his fault!)

Because Bunny was back, and the way he’d said, “Because I’m your partner” had left Kotetsu feeling like he could soar through the air like Sky High—even as he and Bunny decended into bickering.

Because Bunny was *back*. Bunny was back *for him*.

*

It was like a breath of fresh air to spend time with Bunny again, like something loosened and relaxed in Kotatsu that he hadn’t realized had been tense. Staring out at the night sky and the patchwork quilt of city lights below while on the balcony of Bunny’s new penthouse apartment, Kotetsu marvelled at how light he felt, how hopeful and free. They’d reuinited, and he felt like he was at the start of some big adventure, excitement making him eager to venture forth.

From inside, he heard Bunny calling his name. “I’m out here,” Kotetsu hollered back over his shoulder in response.

Bunny pushed aside the curtains, slipping out through the sliding door. “There you are. I was looking for you.”

Something suddenly made Kotetsu pause and blink, twisting sharply to look at Bunny. Something about the soft curve of Bunny’s smile, the glint of the starlight reflected in his eyes, even through his glasses. The moment felt like something out of a dream. His heart skipped a beat.

“Were you? Looking for me?” he murmured. The moment felt almost fragile, like he was cradling something crystalline in his hands.

Bunny’s eyes widened and he stared at Kotetsu almost as if seeing him for the first time. A long silence fell, and Kotetsu realized he was holding his breath. Then, tentatively, Bunny responded, “yes. Always. I—,” he looked away, biting his lip, then his gaze snapped sharply back to Kotetsu’s as if pulled by a magnet. “Kotetsu,” he said firmly, and a shivering spark shot up Kotetsu’s spine at the use of his actual name, “were you looking for me, too?”

“Oh, Bunny,” Kotetsu reached out carefully to grasp Bunny’s arm, then trailed his fingers down until he could clasp his hand, interlacing their fingers, his skin tingling when the younger man allowed it. The physical touch, the feeling of smooth, warm skin and a firm grip, made everything seem to solidify and suddenly feel real again. For a brief second, he thought he caught a glimpse of something shimmering red and threadlike in the dim light, trailing from his hand and leading to Bunny’s. “I’ve been looking for you for so, so long, you don’t even know.”

Then Bunny smiled, wider and brighter than Kotetsu had ever seen before, his eyes crinkling, and Kotetsu felt the same firework burst of joy in his heart that was there on Bunny’s face, like every dream either of them had ever had, in an instant all at once came true. Then I open up and see The person falling here is me A different way to be

[ladyxxdaydream]

a year-in-review meme - for writers!

I thought up this writing meme for fic writers who might have been staring at the artists having their lovely and well-deserved collages of their work through the year - and wanted to join in the fun! also this works as a great reminder for those of you (and me) who’ve been thinking that they haven’t been writing as much as they want to, and allows you to go back to enjoy your old fic ;D

Rules: pick your favourite sentence from a work you posted / wrote during a month of 2020! if you didn’t write anything in any particular month, don’t worry! tell us what you were doing or use it as free space for runner-up sentences. after that, tag 8 people or more to do the meme!

That being said, here’s mine:

Tagged by: @rikacain !!

I’m tagging -- @flailinginlove @aviss @kiitsvne @stupidbadgers and @tea-blitz who doesn’t use tumblr anymore but WHATEVER. and anyone else who wants to do it! <3

~~~

JAN: (from Heavy Weight)

“Iruka felt Kakashi’s eye on him. Most people feared the Sharingan, and for good reason, but Iruka feared his real eye, his own eye. It had a way of seeing straight past Iruka’s defenses, no dōjutsu required, and deep into his soul.“

FEB: (from Old Pine)

“Do you want children?” Iruka asked, feeling like the timing was right.

Kakashi was quiet for a few moments. Iruka had learned to read Kakashi’s silences for what they were. It wasn’t hesitation like he had initially thought. Kakashi simply liked to think things through before answering immediately. Iruka liked that about him.

“I think we have four already,” Kakashi said, eyeing Sasuke, Naruto, Ino, and Sakura through the glass door.

Iruka laughed, but refrained from clarifying. He knew Kakashi understood what he meant and would answer him shortly. Iruka had also learned that Kakashi had a tendency to be indirect, before he got around to what he actually wanted to say.

MARCH: (from Mouthful)

“So, Kakashi.”  Iruka said, unable to stand still any longer.  “We both like what we see. Now what?”

 He wasn’t usually this forward, but he was feeling it tonight. All of this playful banter was riling him up—it was his favorite way to flirt.

 “I like a man whose direct,” Kakashi said, shifting his stance to lean an elbow on the table. “But hmm,” he hummed. “I don’t know.”

 He gave Iruka a seemingly bored look, as if the obvious invitation to leave together was lost on him.

 “Well, I like a man whose decisive, so I guess that rules you out.”

 Kakashi let out a hard, surprised laugh. He downed the rest of his beer, and took Iruka by the hand, pulling him out of the bar without a word.

APRIL: (from A New Chapter)

 “I don’t know how to put this,” Sakumo started, “but… what the hell is that?”

 Kakashi looked at where his Father was pointing.

 “Uh… a diaper…?” Kakashi guessed, not sure where this was going. They had about a million others, in every color and pattern you could imagine, folded and stacked in the closet. Iruka wanted to go the re-usable route, and several of his students mother’s were eager to gift them. Kakashi had been less than thrilled by the extra laundry.

“Yes. It’s a diaper, Kakashi. Very good. Tell me, did you have both eyes closed when you put it on?”

MAY: (From Cake Substitution No Jutsu)

 “What’s this?” Iruka asked as Kakashi entered the kitchen, a fully dressed Tomo whizzing past them both.

 “Ah, it’s a backpack,” Kakashi said, crossing over to Iruka excitedly. “I saw it on display in a shop window while doing Gai’s scavenger hunt. Its arms and legs are the straps, so when you wear it, it looks like it’s riding on your back.”

 Iruka smiled, turning it around in his hands, noticing the zipper and a few pockets.

 “That’s actually pretty ador—”

 Iruka stopped speaking. The tail was tightly curled up inside plastic casing still.

 “Kakashi,” Iruka said, feeling his eyebrow twitch. “Is this… is this a leash?”

 “No. It’s a Puppy Pal… with an exceptionally long tail.”

“It’s a leash,” Iruka deadpanned. “A leash for a  child.”

 “You put Tomo inside a barrier the other day as a playpen,” Kakashi said, a matter of factly. “Why can’t I have some help controlling her?”

“That’s… that’s different!” Iruka exclaimed, feeling his cheeks heat in contradiction. “Would you like it if I put  you  on a leash, Kakashi?”

 Iruka regretted it the second it came out of his mouth. He could practically see the wolfish grin forming beneath Kakashi’s mask.

JUNE: (from Use Your Imagination)

They laid in silence for a while, listening to the sounds of the night through the cracked window—distant cars on the street, a lone dog barking, upbeat music wafting from a floor below them.  

Kakashi never wished for time to stop. In fact, he tried to keep himself as busy as possible—he chose a career that ate up most of his life for a reason. But right now? He wished time didn’t exist, hyperaware of how quickly it would pass before Iruka was back on a plane tomorrow.

He traced circles into Iruka’s lower back, watching as the brown skin pressed against his broke out in a wave of goosebumps. Iruka shivered, and then shifted, and Kakashi wondered if he was falling asleep.  

He selfishly continued his adorations, wanting to keep Iruka in this realm with him for a little while longer. He expanded his rake, sliding his fingers up Iruka’s spine, skirting around his scar, and back down again.

Kakashi wasn’t one to believe in divine intervention, or soulmates. He’d acted in enough corny films to almost make him hate the notion entirely. But the fact that a man as perfect as Iruka had come into his life so serendipitously—and just as scarred as he was—was something he couldn’t overlook.

It made Kakashi’s heart ache with want, before that ache traveled down, and curled into his gut.

JULY: (from Love Me As You Are)

“And then you demeaned their lives by calling them your soldiers—”

 “—is that not what they are?!” Kakashi cut across him, getting upset. “You’re as much a part of this system as I am, sensei! We both know the truth of it, whether we like it or not. I just called it by it’s name.”

“But they’re people too, Kakashi! Kids. They’re so much more than soldiers…”

“That’s not how I was treated,” Kakashi said before he could catch himself.

 Iruka’s mouth fell open with a punched sound.

 “Kakashi…”

 His tone was soft and free of the anger it held a moment ago.

 “Forget I said that,” Kakashi said, turning away, his cheeks heating up—the last thing he wanted was Iruka’s pity. “It doesn’t matter.”

“No,” Iruka said, shaking his head as he took a step towards him. “I’m not going to forget you said that. It does matter because  you matter.  You deserved to have somebody stand up for you too, Kakashi. I’m so sorry Konoha failed you.”

 Kakashi’s eyes burned with tears—he bit his tongue, refusing to let them fall. Those words pierced him straight through the heart. It was everything he never knew he needed to hear.

AUG:

um I didn’t write anything this month because my wife and I separated annnd my whole life was uprooted as I moved to a different country ksjdhgkdsj

SEPT: (from I’ll Fall, If You Do)

Their relationship was going really well. There were days where Kakashi still turned him away, usually corresponding with the mornings he had therapy. It was frustrating, because Iruka just wanted to be there for him, for Kakashi to open up to him completely, but he didn’t push. He knew that would only make it worse. They didn’t fight anymore, but Iruka regularly had to correct the language Kakashi used towards himself, and sometimes it was irritating for the both  of them.

But mostly… it was amazing. Their chemistry was incredible. Electric. And not just in the bedroom—they were never far from each other, drawn in like magnets, grounded by a simple touch or brush of hands. Kakashi hadn’t even left the room twenty minutes ago, and already Iruka felt the pull.

He jumped up from his seat and went to go find him.

OCT: (From Language Gap)

Iruka glanced out the bus window, his body instinctively knowing where they were about to pass. The building was still empty twenty years later, the brick still scorched, and Iruka’s nightmares were still plagued by the fire despite not being there when it broke out. He’d been sent on a delivery on foot — one steaming container of karē udon — two blocks away. He delivered to the same old lady everyday, and she always kept him longer than necessary, pressing sweets into his palm. When he had come back, the noodle shop was aflame. In his shocked state, he distantly heard something about a grease fire, before he was whisked away by the hand by his childhood friend Asuma, living with him and his father from that day on.

Iruka sighed and stood up, making his way towards the door since his stop was next. He really wished the city would do something about the building. Every time he saw it, it made him feel oddly exposed and vulnerable, like his past was staring straight at him.

He shook his head a little and stepped off the bus.

NOV: (From Brand New Sound)

Kakashi watched in stunned silence for a moment, trying to get his heartbeat under control as color effortlessly flowed from the artist’s hand onto the brick. Whoever this was, they had sort of become one of Kakashi’s heroes. People always said meeting your heroes was never a good idea—bound to be disappointing—because it brought them down to a human level.

But that was precisely what attracted Kakashi to this artist in the first place—the sheer, raw, humanness. The way they tackled hard emotions and vulnerability, baring everything through their work for others to see. It was honest and transformative, and Kakashi spent more nights than he could ever count wandering the streets when he couldn’t sleep, hoping to catch a mural he’d never seen before it was painted over. Sometimes he did, and sometimes he’d sit in front of ones he already knew and found new meaning in them.

DEC: (from Perks of Promotion)

“But why now?” Iruka insisted. “Why ask me out now? Right after I’ve made tokubetsu jounin? When we’ve known each other for years?”

 Oh.

Kakashi paused, the realization dawning on him. He didn’t blame Iruka for being suspicious of his intentions; he’d heard the way people said ‘the chuunin sensei’ or ‘the chuunin desk worker’ like it was some kind of insult. It always pissed him off.

Kakashi stared at his feet for a moment before lifting his head again, leveling Iruka with a serious stare. “Because I didn't think I’d live past 21. Because it took me an obscenely long time to become a barely functioning adult. Because I never had the guts before… I-I still don’t, not really, if you can’t tell by how much I’m fumbling around here,” he said with a nervous laugh.

[notebook-13]

Shigaraki • Development

Backstory

(Note: Tenko was Shigaraki’s childhood name.)

First things first: Shigaraki’s backstory is probably meant as an allegory. The house his father built is a microcosm of society, his father Kotaro represents people with power, Tenko represents people without it, and the other family members are bystanders. The power imbalance and communal emphasis on harmony enables Kotaro to take out his baggage on Tenko while Tenko is required to repress his. Resistance, even if it’s minor, causes Tenko to be shunned and beggared, as Kotaro locks Tenko out of the house in the backyard, in the dark, unfed, without even a roof over his head.

Edit: @codenamesazanka​ has an excellent reading of this allegory!

Theirs is a household that prioritizes unity and a façade of happy domesticity over Tenko’s wellbeing. His mom and grandparents treat him gently, reject him kindly, and refuse to admit to him just how terribly Kotaro treats him. Though the three adults understand that Kotaro is the problem (they criticize him in private or cry out futile protests during an incident), they are unwilling to disrespect Kotaro to Tenko’s face. Doing so would mean facing their victim and owning up to their own culpability, too.

So, throughout Shigaraki’s backstory, Horikoshi intersperses black panels with increasing grains of white. This references Shigaraki’s “wound in his heart.”

The first black panel appears when Tenko is crying to his mom, Nao, about his dad; the second appears when he is similarly comforted by his grandparents.

After an episode with Kotaro, Nao hesitantly asks Tenko if he still wants to be a hero.

Nao: “Tenko…do you…still want to be a hero?” Tenko: “Yup. Because like, nobody wanted to play with Mikkun and Tomo. So I said, ‘Let’s play together!’ And we played heroes, and it was super fun. And then Mikkun said, ‘You should be All Might, Ten.’ And I was nice and played with them even though they don’t have any friends.”

It’s hard to follow Tenko’s five-year-old’s logic here, but the gist seems like Tenko wants to be a good person who makes people less lonely, and he thinks heroes do that. The implication, then, could be that Tenko is lonely, and his admiration for heroes compensates for what’s missing in his family (a hero).

What’s also significant is that Tenko noticed Mikkun and Tomo were suffering, and instead of ignoring it or playing along like everyone else, he did something about it. What he emphasizes isn’t, “we played heroes and fought bad guys, it was really cool”; he emphasizes that he was kind, that he helped kids who were lonely. This isn’t a kid who wants to be a hero because heroes are strong.

Also worth noting that in bnha, p much every kid wants to be a hero. By forbidding Tenko from even playing, Kotaro draws a line between Tenko and his classmates: Tenko is not one of them. He’s not allowed to dream he’ll be a hero like everyone else. In a society overflowing with heroes (and with adulation of heroes), Tenko can’t be one of them nor admire them.

^^ the first “wound” panel is the black middle one

When Nao tells Tenko that “it’s hard to be a hero,” especially right after hesitantly asking him if he still wanted to be one, Tenko understands that she’s discouraging him—similar to how Inko apologized to little Deku when he asked her if he could become a hero without a quirk.

When Nao tells Tenko it’s difficult, she’s essentially repeating what Kotaro says (“being a hero will cause him nothing but trouble”). By siding with Kotaro, she tells Tenko that he can’t become who he wants to be. He must conform to authority and let Kotaro determine his life. What he wants and feels don’t matter. Kotaro is right.

The wound begins to open.

Similarly, his grandparents offer him empty comfort because they, too, believe in presenting a unified front. The kids aren’t allowed to be aware that there’s conflict between the grown-ups: rules are rules, instructions from your seniors are absolute, social harmony (and by extension, social hierarchy) has to be maintained. Tenko himself is the troublesome one—he’s the one who needs to be comforted, who keeps breaking rules, who can’t pretend everything is okay the same way everyone else can.

The wound opens further.

The initial wound and its exacerbation are both brought on by his mom and grandparents, not by Kotaro directly. Why? Because it’s the permissiveness of the adults that socializes Tenko in how to react to Kotaro. Kotaro’s abuse is too much for a five-year-old to process, so he trusts the other grown-ups in his life to understand it and tell him how to feel about it/what to do about it.

What they tell Tenko, implicitly, is that his pain doesn’t matter enough to do anything about, and it’s his fault it exists. Underneath, he recognizes this and resents them for it. They might not actively participate in Kotaro’s abuse, but they actively support him by trying to wipe away the consequences without any accountability for the problems. They shift blame to other people (Kotaro, Tenko) without owning up to their own role in the proceedings, so that they can pretend life is good and think of themselves as good people who don’t make trouble.

Tenko has a related “wound” associated directly with Kotaro.

((When Kotaro approaches Tenko to begin smacking him…))

The “itch.”

Tenko is five years old, and kids that young aren’t known for their emotional intelligence. This is his little-kid way of trying to describe his negative emotions: agitation, anguish, panic, frustration, aggression, resentment, desperation, (thwarted) hope, and so on.

Tenko scratches himself frantically because he doesn’t know how else to react to the things he’s feeling, and he doesn’t know how else to react because nobody is trying to help him sort through them. He’s only been told to suppress them. Plus, in adulthood, Shigaraki scratches himself when he’s stressed about something, so it makes sense for this ~allergy~ to be the origin.

I dunno why Tenko fixates on his face—his eyes, specifically…maybe out of shame? maybe because his face and eyes are what express his uncomfortable feelings, and/or because his eyes are what he uses to fruitlessly beg for help? or maybe the eyes out of a desire for blindness, to not see what’s in front of him the way everybody else pretends not to see?

(The irony, ofc, is that Kotaro is accusing Tenko of wanting to hurt their family, when in fact Kotaro is the one hurting their family.

Judging by how Nao and her parents approach Kotaro after the fact and tell him that they will leave if he hits the children again, I don’t think it was common for Kotaro to smack Tenko like this.

Also, this is the first time Tenko is shown scratching his neck: when his thoughts are crying out, help me!)

Tenko isn’t begging mercy from Kotaro, which says leagues about their relationship. Instead, he’s begging for interference from the rest of the family, for someone to stand up for him, to challenge the public humiliation Tenko regularly endures as Kotaro’s scapegoat. Nobody does, of course, like always.

It takes a few hours, locked out of the house, for the trauma to set in.

The wound gets worse…but this time it’s different.

For one, it’s accompanied by dialogue, not narration, and “everyone” is centered right in the core of his rage. The second (iffier) difference is that this time the wound and the itch coincide. In the previous situations, he’s either scratching himself or the wound is deepening. This is the first time Horikoshi depicts the two occurring simultaneously, and it’s this moment that his quirk fully awakens.

Tenko kills his dog and begins to have a panic attack. His emotions are choking him; the only way he can ask for help is to reach out to his sister, finally, in the way he didn’t dare to reach out while Kotaro was smacking him.

I’ve seen people suggest his voice fails as a side-effect of his quirk, but I think it’s trauma-related, not physical. For one, he still describes it as an “itch,” and for two, once he processes his trauma and decides that killing his family wasn’t a tragedy, Shigaraki’s characteristic squiggly speech bubbles are replaced by average speech bubbles.

This is consistent, so, his vocal problem was solved emotionally. So maybe his quirk was reacting to his emotions and placing pressure on his vocal chords? But idk, seems to me it was a psychosomatic problem.

Either way, he kills his sister as she runs away, and her scream attracts his mom and grandparents.

Then comes the fourth panel.

(For context, the narration refers to how his negative feelings towards his mom and grandparents accumulated.)

The whiteness is gushing forth, and it surges when Tenko sees his mom staring at him with terror, unable to summon a reassuring smile or any words of comfort for him.

The noises catch Kotaro’s attention. He pokes his head into the hall and walks through the empty house until he spots the open door to the backyard.

(Tenko has now transitioned to mainly scratching his neck instead of his face.)

Tenko reaches out to someone for the final time, and his (deadly) hand is rejected—smashed away, really.

Kotaro’s life is in danger, he’s shocked by the deaths of his family, he panics, and he reacts cruelly.

The tipping point is what happens afterwards.

Kotaro is surprised and horrified by what he’s done. But, like always, he stubbornly refuses to acknowledge to Tenko his wrongdoing. Instead, he reacts by doubling down and asserting his authority.

“Mommy, why does Father say no all the time? Does he hate me?!”

I’m not sure quite what Kotaro is doing here. At first I thought he was smacking Tenko, the way he did earlier that day, but that blob in the lower right panel is part of the background, not his hand in motion. So instead, it looks like Kotaro is holding out his hand in a “stop, stand back, stay away from me” gesture, or maybe to literally push Tenko away. (Have to wait on the anime, I guess.)

Regardless, Kotaro tells Tenko “no” for the last time. The immediate blame, the dearth of kindness or sympathy, the reaching out to him—someone’s trying to save him!—only to deny him…it evokes their history. Tenko is already in the midst of a meltdown, and now he snaps.

I hate bringing up real-world examples when thinking about stuff like bnha, so I hope this will be the only time I ever do it, but I’m powerfully reminded of a gun violence incident in Mississippi where a nine-year-old kid and his thirteen-year-old sister got into an argument over a video game controller, and the boy retrieved their parents’ gun from another room and shot her.

It’s ludicrous to think he had any meaningful concept of what he was doing, and, regardless of how Shigaraki interprets his past, the same holds for Tenko. Just because Tenko had a good “reason” to want Kotaro dead doesn’t imply he had a meaningful grasp of what he was doing. He killed Kotaro because he was a kid with access to a deadly weapon, and there’s a reason kids aren’t trusted with those.

But it is meaningful that Shigaraki struggles to make the distinction between aggression and murderous intent. AfO deliberately trains Shigaraki to adopt this warped mindset by telling him that his bad feelings, his “itch,” are equivalent to bloodlust. Realistically, there’re plenty of ways to relieve negative emotion, but Shigaraki has been taught exactly one outlet: destruction. So, he doesn’t realize that his murderousness is a product of nurture, not nature. (Also, lol, “murderousness” is a real word!)

Anyways, for the first time, Tenko experiences catharsis for the negative emotions that have built up his whole life. A fluke of fate enabled him to subvert the established power dynamic, and the destruction of the house encapsulates the collapse of their family’s hierarchy. He still doesn’t understand what he’s done.

By the next morning, it’s begun to sink in. He ran away from the house and then wanders the streets, too consumed by guilt to speak, and he’s ignored by everyone. When someone finally pays attention and seems willing to help him…

He smiles, happy that someone is finally going to help him. But his dirty, creepy smile scares the old lady off.

(reminds me of his early design.)

To him, it’s like people can see what he’s done, and that’s why nobody will help him or even acknowledge him. Notice the lower left corner: the blackness and white grains, spilling over from his wound.

The itch returns, and the scratching and the wound overlap again. It’s hard to say whether the wound is reacting to the old lady in general, or if it’s tied to the narration line “being punished.”

It occurs when Tenko simultaneously wants to be saved but also thinks he doesn’t deserve it, that everyone can see how bad he is and knows he doesn’t deserve help.

What did Shigaraki learn from this?

Social harmony is forged by repressing conflict, not by resolving it. This happens at his expense, purposefully.

“This is the house my father built.” Creation, construction, building, making walls, making rules, making—these are bad, and they’re performed by the people with authority and power. These things happen for other people, not for his sake.

He’s not important enough to be helped / not worthy of it, and he resents that.

Origin of his self-loathing.

Other notes:

The “itch” is something he can find temporary catharsis for (through violence), and Shigaraki thinks the itch might have gone away if someone had just helped him. The “wound” is not something that ever alleviates or that he suggests could have gone away.

The wound’s origin is from the complicity of his family to Kotaro, not from Kotaro himself.

It’s interesting that his dream to destroy society is a reenactment of his destruction of his family/house, even though killing “everyone” the first time devastated him.

He switched from mostly scratching his face to mostly scratching his throat.

Both these are sites where emotion is expressed.

Hands are another site of expression, and he later develops his fascination with his family’s hands and uses his own hands for destruction.

Activating decay seems to have hugely worsened the scarring around his eyes. He says that he thought the “itch” had gone away, so it’s unlikely he was scratching himself overnight…so I think his quirk had the side-effect of exacerbating his scars? If decay made the skin around his eyes hurt, that could relate to why he switched to mostly scratching his throat.

Even as a kid, Tenko had a certain amount of pride/dignity, enough to blame others for mistreating him instead of blaming purely himself.

Tenko admired heroes partly because his family lacked one, but when he discovers Nana…? Now someone inside the family (inside the house) was a hero, so the rules were different than what he thought?

Upbringing by AfO

When Tenko killed “everyone,” that included himself. All that’s left of him afterwards is an empty shell. He doesn’t even seem to remember what he’s done.

But AfO is willing to extend a hand and touch Tenko.

He’s willing to acknowledge Tenko’s pain, something nobody else was or is, at the moment in his life when Tenko feels he least deserves sympathy.

Now, obviously it’s hella suspicious that AfO already knows Tenko’s name, knows what he’s done, and procures his family’s hands, but Shigaraki doesn’t seem to question it. Tenko’s arms dangle there, limp, as AfO embraces him and tears stream down his face. And, ofc, AfO echoes All Might’s motto.

AfO takes Tenko in and tells him he’ll be his master from now on. Then…

Tenko viscerally remembers what he’s done, and his immediate reaction is to scratch himself, puke, and then seize the severed hands, gathering them up and cradling them close to him. It’s probably then that Tenko discovers the feeling that Shigaraki describes—of feeling violently ill but somehow at peace, too. (“When a person’s life starts spiraling, what’s the one thing they want? Comfort.”) There’s way too much to unpack here, so, moving on.

The “purpose” that AfO alludes to is the destruction of society/the status quo.

While Tenko is huddled on the ground, cradling the hands, AfO continues.

AfO’s the first person willing to talk to him about his itch as emotional instead of as an allergy. He tells Tenko point-blank that he cannot control his impulses and that his release must take the form of destruction.

This moment baffles me. AfO openly admits that Tenko’s feelings will fade…if left be. As far as we see, he doesn’t explain to Tenko why it’s important that those feelings never fade, why emptying himself of his pain is a bad thing. But even after being told time would heal him, Tenko keeps the hands close to him—and I don’t think he was just doing what AfO wanted.

This panel is also interesting because it definitely makes it look like Tenko’s wound is glowing, like it’s a light in the dark. Also, AfO’s dialogue nearly obscures the early panel of the wound…hm.

Regardless, AfO implies that those feelings are the most important thing Tenko has, and he should keep them close. It’s not specified if AfO told him to wear his family.

Later, Tenko’s wandering on the streets (his hands aren’t with him) when he encounters a duo of thugs, who beat and mock him. At first, Tenko lurches to fight back, but…

I think these are more “wound” panels: the blackness with white grains. He backs down, even though his rage doesn’t dissipate.

When he returns home, AfO encourages him to embrace his feelings instead of holding them back. Tenko literally writhes on the floor from the force of his “itch,” going all out as he wallows in his overwhelming feelings.

AfO tells Tenko that ethics were invented in order to suppress people and that Tenko’s emotions are more important than anything else. Tenko responds by reiterating what AfO told him: he wants to destroy those thugs, and he can’t control this urge to destroy. He goes as far as to disintegrate one of Kotaro’s hands, even though not too long ago he clung onto it.

But, later, he wears his family’s hands for the first time.

Wearing them clearly affects Tenko adversely—he’s struggling to breathe properly, and he’s entirely slumped over. But these hands, and these feelings, are the only things he has left, the only things he knows, and he won’t leave them behind.

He encounters the same duo of thugs and kills them.

His wound again. Formless, but with a sense of shifting and movement. Undiminished, even if the itch is alleviated. Or, maybe this panel is supposed to indicate a deterioration, like the wound gets even worse after the murders?

Observing the event, Ujiko remarks that he’d thought Tenko had lost his memories. I think he’s commenting on how Tenko is wearing the hands despite not remembering who they’re from? 

AfO comments…

Tenko restrains quirk subconsciously, limiting its disintegration to just what he’s directly touching, which makes it seem like he’s afraid of his quirk and feels guilt/self-loathing for it. He’s aware that his quirk is connected to the things he feels, maybe even blames his quirk in some way for making him feel this way.

It’s ironic that Tenko feels free while he’s being throttled and restrained by the hands of his relatives.

lol AfO gives away the game a bit, here. He tells Tenko to do whatever he wants and not hold back, and then praises Tenko for “holding back” his tears. He just wants Tenko to have no way to vent his feelings except violence. Also, the fact that Tenko is “holding back” his quirk…hmm.

Again, too much here to unpack rn, so, moving on.

AfO gives Tenko the hands of the thugs he killed, plus one hand of unknown origin to replace the hand of Kotaro’s that Tenko destroyed. Shigaraki describes the gift as soothing to his battered body, and he felt reborn. AfO gives him the name Shigaraki Tomura ad implicitly positions himself as Shigaraki’s dad by telling Shigaraki that “Shigaraki” is his surname.

What did Shigaraki learn from this?

Morals are illusionary, merely a tool used to suppress people without power in order to make things easier for people who do have power.

His “itch” means bloodlust, and he can’t control it.

He should just do what he wants (except crying, apparently), or else he’ll just suffer indefinitely.

Rejection of a society he had no hand in making and no place to belong in.

Other notes:

Even without remembering his aggression towards Kotaro, it’s Kotaro’s hand he shows the biggest fixation on.

Shigaraki has three “ailments”: the itch (the agitation he feels from bad things), the wound (the “rage” and “frustration” he feels from bystander apathy), and the nausea he feels when he wears the hands (self-loathing?).

Or maybe the nausea is part of the wound?

More on the wound?

I wonder when Horikoshi decided on how to visualize Shigaraki’s pain, and if he uses it as a pattern in bnha.

I’ve noticed a few panels that remind me of Shigaraki’s wound, especially that amorphous panel after he kills those thugs, but it’s hard to tell if the backgrounds are just atmospheric or if there is actually an attempt to connect these moments thematically.

Here are a few that I noticed.

I’m going to keep an eye out ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Edit: here’s another one. This is the most definite example so far: it occurs in ch250, post-Shigaraki’s flashbacks, and the distinct circle doesn’t produce an atmosphere the way the previous ^^ panels do. 

^^ it’s worth mentioning that this appears during Fuyumi’s narration, detailing how Natsuo is the only one in the family who can’t move forward, ie, he’s experiencing social pressure to conform and validate Endeavor similar to how Tenko felt pressure to conform to Kotaro’s authority.

And then this next one, I’m pretty unsure about, but I’ll include it in case:

[orbit-intl]

210129 KStyle Vol. 1 ― ORβIT, the 7 members are finally together. “The short time we can be together... We are enjoying it with lots of laughs.”

Vol. 1 ― ORβIT, the 7 members are finally together. “The short time we can be together... We are enjoying it with lots of laughs.”

ORβIT is a Japanese-Korean group composed of 7 unique members. They released their long-awaited debut album in November last year, to which many fans responded with enthusiastic support. 

It has almost been a year since ORβIT was formed and announced on February 9, 2020. We asked them about the steps that led to the decision of forming the group and about the reason for their career choices as an artist.

ENG TRANSLATION BY ORBIT_INTL  Source: KStyle News DO NOT RE-USE, REUPLOAD OR RE-TRANSLATE WITHOUT PERMISSION 

― The 7 of you are finally together for the first time in a long time, but how are you spending your time together? 

HEECHO: We spend our private time just relaxing together. Watching movies late at night, having deep talks. 

YOUNGHOON: We watched the movie “Midnight Runners”, it was interesting. We watch movies where we need to hold in our laughter.

YOONDONG: We watch Netflix together, but just simply being together is fun.

HEECHO: It’s been a long time since we’ve spent time together, so we try to have a fun time together. We can’t be together for a long time, so we are enjoying it with lots of laughs. 

TOMO: We made grilled chicken skewers with a special grill for it. Heecheon-san and I were the ones in charge of the grill (laughs). Other than that, Jun and I read manga often. 

JUNE: As for “Jujutsu Kaisen” and “Demon Slayer”, we even went to watch the movie and cried together. I also liked “Chainsaw Man”, which Tomo introduced me to. 

TOMO: I like the “Weekly Shonen Jump” (weekly manga anthology) type of manga, and my all-time favorite one is “Hokuto no Ken”. I’ve been re-reading it lately, and my inner child is getting excited. My favorite move is “Hokuto Shichishi Seiten” (Seven Star Points of Death). Even the sounds when the enemy loses are funny, like the famous ones “abeshi” or “hidebu”, but there’s also minor ones like “nani wo para~” (the word “what” followed gibberish), it’s the funniest. (laughs)

― You spoke at the last interview that you wanted to eat Yoondong-san’s cooking, but did that come true? 

SHUNYA: Yes, we ate it! It was so good~!

YOONDONG: I made them kimchi fried rice.

HEECHO: Wait, when? I didn’t eat any (laughs).

YOUNGHOON: When everyone left for BUGVEL’s recording, Shunya, Yoondong and I ate together.

HEECHO: We were eating takoyaki that time at the studio. I love takoyaki.

― There were some comments from overseas fans on the last interview, but are any of you studying any foreign languages? What word did you learn lately?

SHUNYA: I read Korean vocabulary books sometimes, but I watch a lot of Korean drama and I’ve been starting to understand some words that are said a lot in drama. 

HEECHO: My hands are already full from learning Japanese and I haven’t been able to learn other languages. I still need to work on my Japanese…

TOMO: But all 3 Korean members have been naturally studying Japanese, so they are very good in Japanese.

HEECHO: All the Japanese words that the members have taught me were all bad words… (laughs). 

TOMO: Hey, that’s the other way around! (laughs) I ask them to teach me Korean, but they always teach me bad words. 

HEECHO: (laughs). The world out there is dangerous these days, you need to know some strong words (laughs). 

TOMO: Other than bad words, they taught me how to say 삼겹살 주세요, which means “can I have pork belly?”

SHUNYA: (Heecho whispers something in his ear.) Just now, I learned how to say 그렇게 하면 죽도 밥도 안돼, which means “it’s going to be half-baked if you continue like this”.

TOMO: This is the type of thing they teach us (laughs). 

YUGO: 멋있지？I look cool, right? (laughs)

Everyone: Yugo is so cute~!

JUNE: The word I learned lately is “kaibyaku”. It means the beginning of the world, of time. I found it while searching for a more complicated word during the lyric writing process because the expression felt off and I thought there was another way to say it. 

HEECHO: For me, it’s “mugi to kome no nimousaku��� (double cropping of rice and wheat). I learned it while studying a kanji practice book for Japanese grade school students and it left a strong impression on me. 

YOONDONG: I learned the word “kyakuashi” (customer traffic). The meaning was different from what I intended to say, but I learned the word. Is it a bad word?

TOMO: No, you can use it as “customer traffic increased, or decreased”. It’s not a bad word. 

YOUNGHOON: For me, it’s “waruagaki wo suru” (futile resistance). I resist fate in a futile way. I learned it while writing lyrics. 

What about the debut date? “I felt emotional at the CD shop… It didn’t feel real.”

― You debuted on November 11, but how does it feel like to have debuted?

HEECHO: Nothing much changed just because we debuted, but we got here as a result of pursuing what we wanted to do. That is why there wasn’t any big change, but I hope we can continue with the same mindset.

YOUNGHOON: After releasing our debut album and seeing everyone’s reactions, I thought a lot about our situation and our responsibilities and it made me feel like we need to make even better songs and show an even better version of ourselves in the future. We are preparing for our next release with utmost effort. 

― For Heecho-san, Younghoon-san, and Yoondong-san, this is your second debut. Did you give any advice to the 4 others?

HEECHO: I think it’s just a number, and there isn’t much to mind about just because it’s our second time, but there are things we can say because we have experience debuting once previously. It is the first time (for the Japanese members), so I’d like to teach them what I know. 

TOMO: I think they do have a certain emotional leeway. There were hardships until we reached our debut, but there were a lot of moments the 3 helped and cheered us up. 

YOUNGHOON: If we could do more activities, I think there is more I can teach them, but there isn’t much we can do amidst the pandemic situation… Later, when we will be able to do more, I’d like to relay more of our experience. 

― How did you spend your debut date?

YUGO: Nothing much different, we just practiced as usual.

TOMO: I think we were doing voice training.

HEECHO: The Korean members were learning choreography and practicing dance. 

YOUNGHOON: Yoondong was buying pyjamas that day (laughs).

JUNE: We were just doing lessons as usual even though it was debut date, so although I was internally excited like “today is debut date!”, I was a little bit sad that the lesson menu was hard as usual (laughs). 

SHUNYA: The Japan members had the chance to go to CD shops for greetings. I was surprised seeing that the store decorations were, very, big? It made me really happy. It didn’t feel real. 

YOUNGHOON: I saw the pictures too and it made me really happy that the shop staff wrote descriptions of our songs in so much detail. If we have the chance, I want to cook for the shop staff (laughs). 

Everyone (laughs). 

YOUNGHOON: I also read the messages from EαRTHs in the notebooks placed at the CD shops. There were a lot of messages written in hiragana so that we understand too, it made me happy. EαRTHs are really nice. 

Struggles experienced especially because they are self-produced. “Thankful for all the support from many”

― The album “00” was definitely a challenging work, like you spoke about it in the previous interview. A lot of comments from fans were sent to Kstyle too. How were the reactions from fans after the release?

Everyone: Ohh~! (Clapping)

YOUNGHOON: We’re very grateful and happy. Every song was made with a lot of attention to details, so I hope EαRTHs listen to them a lot and enjoy it.

YOONDONG: My wanting to make something better and to perfect our performances got stronger, especially because we debuted. 

― Last time, we asked you about the recording process. How were the parts separated within the songs, and how were the solo songs and unit song “Mizutamari.” (written by Yugo-kun) chosen?

HEECHO: First, we all sing equal parts and then we adjust as we sing because some members suit some parts better. I chose the parts, but nobody complained. 

SHUNYA: ORβIT’s absolute leader (laughs). Heecheon-san knows everyone’s uniqueness and attributed the parts, so it turned out really nice naturally. 

HEECHO: For me, the part I thought over the most while making the album was attributing the parts. As for the solo song and unit songs, we just went with whoever wanted to do it. 

YUGO: I thought “Mizutamari.” could be the three of us (Yoondong, Shunya, Yugo) who don’t sing chorus parts often. I attributed the parts as the writer as well. It was my first time writing lyrics and I had never thought of doing it before, but after becoming part of ORβIT, I’ve been wanting to try new things such as piano as well. It’s a memorable song for which I challenged lyric writing for the first time. The track was composed first, onto which I wrote lyrics. 

― In Younghoon-san’s song “MOONCRYSTALPOWER”, the sole Japanese part amongst the Korean lyrics was also a hot topic. Many said that it’s a very “Younghoon-san like” song. 

YOUNGHOON: I always get the comment that the phrase “yuusha no sakebi” (a hero’s scream) is very “funny”, but I meant it in a serious way (laughs). At the time, there was a manga I liked a lot and I also thought of the word “boukensha” (explorer, adventurer), but it became this in the end. The lyrics are about a hero parting ways with his friends and waiting until they come altogether, but it felt like ORβIT and EαRTHs. I thought that maybe fans will understand if I put it like this, so I wrote the lyrics like that. 

HEECHO: It’s Younghoon’s scream, in the end (laughs). 

JUNE: When Younghoon-san asked me about the lyrics, I listened to him and gave advice. Every time people tell him that the lyrics are funny, he blames it on me and says “Jun said they’re nice!” (laughs). 

YOUNGHOON: It was all good as a result! (Younghoon and Jun exchange a hard handshake)

―You released from an independent label and even produced your goods on your own, but was there anything hard during the production process?

HEECHO: There were a lot of hard things, but we don’t want to make excuses about it because it’s something we chose to do. It was hard, but I think this was a good way to do it. It’s something we were able to achieve because of the members and staff we have now. 

TOMO: We separated the tasks between the 7 of us, and Shunya thought a lot about the goods and the CD jacket art. 

SHUNYA: There are many things I was able to learn because we are self-produced. For example, there’s a lot of scheduling in order to meet deadlines for production and other small tasks too. It has made me realize that making music isn’t just about singing, but there are a lot of people behind it who support it. I am glad I was able to realize this by releasing from an independent label. 

JUNE: The 7 of us are the ones on stage, but there are a lot of people behind it that you cannot see… Our work can only be done with the support of many, so we are very grateful.

ENG TRANSLATION BY ORBIT_INTL Source: KStyle News DO NOT RE-USE, REUPLOAD OR RE-TRANSLATE WITHOUT PERMISSION

[writer-and-artist27]

Hugging Someone You Love

Note: It’s 10:30 at night over here as I start to write, I should’ve been working to help myself with future final exams, but my emotions being in the absolute dumps from recent events and seeing my own grandmother cry twice over a Zoom call when checking in has done things. So, here I am, trying to bring fluff back.

Based on real life experiences I’ve gone through, and inspired by my watching Black Butler: Book of Atlantic. The last part’s definitely ironic considering my style of writing and how there’s no “demons” going about making everything a giant angst and gore fest in my world. 

This is probably the first finished thing with Tomoko I’ve written in 2-3 weeks, I feel. S&S/Silent Feathers verse, here. I honestly feel rusty, but I’m trying to get all my groove back. It’s a trying process.

Meanwhile, I’m thinking of @langwrites, @abalisk, @owlsofstarlight, and @withanina as I post this. You all have helped me a lot in this past month, and I can’t thank you enough. I hope this little writing thing is a good way to repay you for the company.

---------------------------------------

Hugging was always mentioned in fairy tales. Something done between loved ones as a sign of affection. A sign of care.

For the life of me, I can’t remember when my personal definition of hugs changed from “showing affection” to “attaining confirmation.”

The only reason I could give you is this: life was never guaranteed. The next day was always uncertain. And in a world where anyone could die from battles and ninjutsu and the like, there was always this part of my mind that knew that I’d have to keep a black dress on hand in case I’d have to attend a funeral. Vy in her time never had to attend a funeral. Her own, maybe. But that was in spirit and the number of years between her and the soul that made me blurred the concept of time.

It didn’t mean that funerals were something that could be avoided. They were an inevitability, something that was guaranteed because anyone could die.

The idea of seeing people I loved go still made me feel sick to my stomach. 

Hugs became something that tethered me back into my daily life — keeping me away from those thoughts. Hugging someone I cared about confirmed their heart was still beating — that they were still breathing. 

Hugging someone you love always felt different from hugging a stranger. Sure, strangers to the café were breathing too, but hugging back was never a guaranteed thing. 

Hugging my precious people, on the other hand, always elicited a reaction.

With every hug, it became obvious that every person had a different way of going about a “hug-back.” And, without thinking, my mind created a small list. All my friends were on it, they were just ranked in “who was the snuggliest.” 

The last, but certainly not least, on said list was Kakashi. He wasn’t really one for physical affection, even before he started living in the café, so it became a habit to note when he was open for one. Out-of-the-blue hugs were out of the question. Asking was always a good place to start, and either he’d respond with a grunt or a nod. The worst he would say is a stern, “No,” but otherwise, he’d relent. Almost like a brother. 

“Do you ever get tired of hugs?” he asked once, but all I did was tighten my grip around his waist while trying to keep it from being suffocating. The brief touch of his arm draping around my shoulders to return the gesture was sweet enough. Then he’d pat my back as a way to tell me to get off. 

Following him was Otoha. Otoha’s habits were still hard to discern, no thanks to their being ANBU and often drifting in and out of visits, but whenever I did see them, I tried to sit near them first. Give them enough distance, and try to start with small talk. I’d let them initiate the hug first if they’d want, or I’d ask and then hug myself. Surprise hugs were a big no-no, just like with Kakashi, so a waiting game worked.

Hearing a “Mrrrp” noise post-hug was a good sign that I didn’t mess up. The patting of my back was an extra consolation after all the silence we could share. It made up for how “Kuroha-san” wasn’t really a good nickname anymore.

Then after Otoha came Ricchan. Ricchan always felt a bit tense no thanks to all the hours she worked in the hospital and taking care of injured nin with the war, but she was one of the few friends I had that didn’t mind the surprise hugs. Sure, I’d have to wait until she wasn’t carrying anything, but once her hands were open, she’d smile and spread her arms towards me.

“I’m ready, Tomo-chan!” she beamed one day, and I couldn’t help but take her up on it. Caring for the sick definitely took its emotional toll, and Ricchan would’ve been higher on the snuggly list if not for her occasionally tight grip. Perhaps muscles or stress. 

The very second, close to the top on the snuggly list, came Kei. Kei as a choice was obvious, both because we had known each other for so long and that she’d catch me no matter what mood I was in. Hugs were encouraged, in fact, and even if she didn’t put her arms back around me as much as when we were kids — well. It always came down to when she did hug me of her own volition, and the tight grip made it feel all the more special. Those hugs usually came after I did something cheesy or she was in her own world, just coming back and noticing me doing something. 

Kei’s hugs were protective, soft, and strong. Almost the right amount to feel familial. Safe.

“Maybe we should establish a hug limit for you, Tomo,” was one absent-minded musing, but in spite of the words, Kei didn’t let me go. It was after a particularly bad day for the both of us, when looking back on it. Considering the number of times she’d heard me vent about life and how the Narutoverse sucked for almost everyone involved, I didn’t push the topic. I merely leaned into her and tightened my grip on her middle. Her heartbeat was soothing enough, and I was short enough to lean in and listen. To be a little sister and try to be a comforting presence. It worked.

The person earning the “snuggliest person” award ended up being Obi. There was something about him that outranked Kei, and it might’ve been because his hugs were happy. Fierce. Loving. It was enough to rival all my cheeriness. I could never truly surprise him with my antics, but even when I went about hugging him from behind no thanks to anxiety, his figure barely tensed up for a second.

“Tomo-chan!” he’d say loudly, tension melting away with the sound of my nickname, and then I’d have no time to register his turning around to lift me into his arms. Obi would always twirl me around for a minute or so, laughing the entire time and I’d have no choice but to wrap my arms around his neck to hang on. It was always the same thing. Warm and joyful. 

The twirling, although quick, was gentle enough to not disturb my stomach, and once he was done spinning, he’d put me down and smooth down my skirt in case if it rode up my legs at any time. Then Obi would smile, his arms lingering on my waist as he leaned down to bump my forehead with his. “What are you doing sneaking up on me?”

The gesture, even if unintentional, had the effect of wiping out any anxiety and I’d smile back. “Nothing,” I’d say. “I just love hugging you, Obi.”

And it was the truth.

Hugging someone you love helps in pushing the darkness away. And considering the world and how people could sometimes be so unfair and cruel, hugs was the least I could indulge in. 

[txthearteu]

extra long tag game (aka a tmi that no one particularly cares for)

tagged by @soobindipity​ 🥰 thank you bb 😌❤️

tagging @btxtreads​​ @choisoobinie​​ @unlocktxt​​ @bffsoobin (this one is long so feel free not to do it ahahahaksksksks)

note: i found the breakers somewhere here in tumblr but i forgot who the owner is, so full credits to whoever owns these breakers

ONE

tell me the first song that made you stan your current fave group and why did your faves attract you so much?

of course it’s their debut song Crown. I have to admit, I listened to them not because i discovered them but because of the whole “bighit is releasing another boy group” fiasco. people thought the hype would die down, i did too, but to this day the boys never failed me. they consistently made me happy with the content they gave out for everyone to enjoy. also adding, i think i’m attracted to them more (compared to their seniors) since they’re around my age– something in which i feel like i can relate to (in terms of the content they put out, or the jokes, etc)

TWO

rule: answer the ten questions and write your own!

what’s your unrealistic goal for life?

becoming a music artist (pop star) 😔

if you had known that we would be in a global pandemic, what’s one thing that you would’ve done before things shut down (if they have for you)?

travel to Japan and explore the place 😩

what’s an unconventional thing that you carry around with you when you go out?

chopsticks hahahahaha because i usually eat using the spoon and fork when i eat out 

favourite type of plushies and why?

anything twotuckgom related! they’re so soft and convenient because of the size. i also kinda wanna buy the bolsters 👀

favourite song right now?

i don’t have any but if you ask what i’ve been jamming to i’d say its city girls by chris brown

something that you’ve always wanted to learn?

producing music, japanese, korean, hacking 

tell a funny story about yourself (or just something that you’ve witnessed)

so in the city where i live, there are places in which the canals don’t have any stoppers. i saw this kid walking with his family alongside these canals and he was just vibing with the song he was singing to. he was so into the song he was singing that he missed a step and he kinda slipped and fell in to the canal (don’t worry though there weren’t any serious injuries) and i swear it was a funny sight 

headphones or speakers? why?

headphones! when the opportunity is present then i’d listen to my music with no outside noise

craving any food right now? what are you craving?

corndogs 👀

which music streaming platform do you prefer? why?

spotify since i’m on spotify family 

😌✌️

questions from eri to me:

what’s the best trip/vacation you’ve ever had?

the vacation i had in Japan last year! 10 days never felt so short in my life and i was planning to go back earlier this year but you know...’rona....

do you have any random fears/phobias? if yes, what are they?

i’m the toughest gal everyone knows but i get really creeped out by butterflies or bugs. i also get scared with inanimate objects that look like a human being when it’s laying still in the dark, i’m scared of mirrors as well HAHA.

weirdest food you’ve ever eaten?

worms

do you have any hidden talents? what can you do?

i can curl my tongue into what seems to resemble a three-leafed clover. i can also mimic voices well and, from what my friends said, i could actually dance well and im super fast in picking up choreography hahaha (ok but it’s what they said okay)

what is an activity you’d like to try out someday?

biking/hiking/camping :> 

when did you get your first phone and what type of phone was it?

i think it was back in 4th grade and it was the famous nokia 3310 

what is a movie you never get tired of watching?

flipped!

biggest pet peeve?

 i absolutely get annoyed when someone tries to rush me and by the time i’m ready, they haven’t readied themselves

earliest childhood memory?

i put sand in this ice-cream-cone-looking rock, and i ate the sand thinking it tasted like ice cream

as a child, what did you want to be? what about now?

a music artist (pop star), until now that’s still my dream but unfortunately, i had to be “practical” 

✌️😌

questions from me to you:

android or apple? why?

words of affirmation or physical affection? why?

bean bag or rocking chair? why?

do you view a half-filled glass as half-full or half-empty or an in-between? why? (go as deep as you can)

if someone were to grant your wish right now, what would it be and why?

if someone were to give you anything you want right now, what would it be and why? (something that can be held)

favorite season and why

what made you enter tumblr?

are you happy with where you are in life right now? why or why not?

to see the boys in real life but for it to happen only once in your lifetime, or to meet the boys via online fan meeting as many times as you can in your lifetime? why?

THREE

rule: bold the statements that apply to you, italicize your aspirations, then tag nine people

.

AIR ༉⋆͙̈

i have small hands / i love the night sky / i watch animals and birds when i pass them by / i drink herbal tea / i wake to see the dawn / the smell of dust is comforting / i’m valued for being wise / i prefer books to music / i meditate / i find joy in learning new truths from the world around me

FIRE ༉⋆͙̈

i don’t have straight hair / i like to wear ripped jeans and overalls / i play an organized sport / i love dogs / i am not afraid of adventure / i love to talk to strangers / i always try new foods / i enjoy road trips / summer is my favorite season / my radio is always playing

WATER ༉⋆͙̈

i wear bracelets on my wrists / i love the bustle of the city / i have more than one set of piercings / i read poetry / i love the sound of a thunderstorm / i want to travel the world / i sleep past midday most days / i love simply lit dinners and fluorescent signs / i rewatch kids shows out of nostalgia / i see emotions in colors not words

EARTH ༉⋆͙̈

i wear glasses or contacts / i enjoy doing the laundry / i am a vegetarian or vegan / i have an excellent sense of time / my humor is very cheerful / i am a valued advisor to my friends / i believe in true love / i love this chill of mountain air / i’m always listening to music / i am highly trusted by the people in my life

AETHER ༉⋆͙̈

i go without makeup in my daily life / i make my own artwork / i keep on track of my tasks and time / i always know true north / i see beauty in everything / i can always smell flowers / i smile at everyone i pass by / i always fear history repeating itself / i have recovered from a mental disorder / i can love unconditionally

FOUR

PERSONAL

name: -

nickname: cj

birthday: oct 12

zodiac: libra

nationality: filipino

languages: english, filipino (and my dialect), lil teeny bit or korean and japanese kskskskksks

gender: female

sexuality: straight

height: 5'1 and a half (spare me the half pls im trying to act tall)

BLOG STUFF

inspiration for muse: --

meaning behind my url: to put it simply, i love txt

blog established: start of quarantine

followers: 43 lovely followers! 

FAVORITES

favourite animals: do you know cat and dog?

favourite books: anarchy by styleslegend (swear i've been hyping it since my 1d days) ; the tale of heidi by johanna spyri

favourite colour: yellow/brown/black (can’t choose)

favourite fictional characters: hulk, hinata shoyo, tomoe (from kamisama kiss)

favourite flower: i don’t have any ahahahhaha

favourite scent: mens perfume/deoderant

favourite season: spring

RANDOM

average hours of sleep: 6-9

cats or dogs: (i love them both but i really love dogs but i just wanna hug them both because i love both cats and dogs)

coffee, tea or hot chocolate: coffee is my go to energizer, for some chill time i’d go for hot choco

current time: 22:34

dream trip: japan(again)/australia/europe 😩

dream job: music artist 😔

hobbies: playing instruments [violin piano ukelele sometimes guitar and drums], listening to music, writing songs, beatboxing

hogwarts house: slytherin 

last movie watched: oh dear god i cant remember HAHA

last song listened to: bbibbi by iu

no. of blankets you sleep with: 1

random fact(s): if given the chance again, i’d combine mint choco and bubblegum ice cream; when i’m bored i try to re-read all my past lessons AHAHAHAHAHA; currently in a 5-year relationship akshsskskssjsjduskgkad

FIVE

10 things I can’t stop listening to

city girls - chris brown, young thug

angel or devil - tomorrow by together

paradise - bts

zombie - day6

see you again - tyler the creator, kali uchis

dally - hyolyn, gray

love - kendrick lamar, zacari

redemption (with babes wodumo) - kendrick lamar, zacari

pyramids - frank ocean

all in - monsta x

[madonna-of-meridian]

30 days of WITCHversary

 Day 11 - Something awesome

Okay, a big PRAISE to the German dub on this one. As some of my followers, who read all my extra long tags, already know – yes, I’m from Germany and therefore watched W.i.t.c.h. in German. And this is actually the good thing about it – non-english speaking countries (that have enough money to spend on film industry) put a LOT effort in dubbing movies and tv shows. Germany is one of those countries. As far as I know the two European countries whose film/movie dubs are know as the best are Italy and Germany and it SHOWS.

Because I am a language nerd, I often do switch languages on my DVDs for fun and tbh when it comes to the guardian’s voices in the English dub of W.i.t.c.h. I was like SO disappointed? Like, a lot of changes (Taranee speaking with Cornelia’s voice at times etc.) and also pretty lame acting? I remember Taranee having an eel in her shirt in episode 3 and the English voice actress did..not deliver at all? While Marie-Luise Schramm, who voices Taranee in the German dub, is like F*CK THERE IS SOMETHING HELP ME AHHHHHH. But actually she is like that the whole time, she has got sm Taranee spirit it’s awesome. Also, Blunk’s German voice was so funny and CUTE while the english one was simply..funny? But idk the german voice feels sm more in character same with Caleb who sounds like a 12 years old in the English sub xD. So enough bitching about the English sub who has it’s good things too (like phobos and Cedric are awsome in there!)

So, long story short – I love the German dub sm! (I also love some other dubs and maybe will do a post about other good dubs too at some point). So while I will save our two evil bad boys for a later day, I’m gonna list up the 5 guardians with their voice actresses now and tell you why they are so good (and I bet now everyone stops reading lol.)

Will: Magdalena Turba

Okay, let’s start with a voice I am nearly always annoyed of because I first noticed her as Will and she therefore stays Will to me. As I said before, I am by far no fan of show!Will and I think things would have been better if Will had a cuter voice in the German dub? But on the other hand Magdalena’s voice is very fitting: she is confident and strong and also catches Will’s bossy moments very well.

Memorable roles: She is also the German voice actress of Amanda Seyfried and I still connect my childhood with Magdalena because she voiced Cera in the A Land Before Time movies (BEST CHILDHOOD MOVIES EVER FIGHT ME).

Irma: Esra Vural

She was sm Irma it is not even healthy anymore xD I once read an interview with Esra in which she said how much she enjoyed voicing Irma and you really FEEL that when you hear her. She got all the emotions so right as if she really was the character herself.

Memorable roles: Another very Irma-like character she voices was Clawdeen Wolf from MH. She is also the German voice actress of Ashley Tisdale. (And now compare a Sharpay Evans to Irma Lair – NO similarities and still she got both characters on point!).

Taranee: Marie-Luise Schramm

Oh, my baby! She makes Taranee such a cute sweetheart. She really catches Taranee’s nervous personality in all the little scenes so well. I think I am more a fan of her acting frightened than the brainy part because the first one makes Taranee sm human if that makes sense? She has got her flaws and still keeps on fighting. And Marie-Luise catches those emotions very well imo.

Memorable roles: Toph Bei Fong from Avatar (also MY GIRL) but she does sm stuff

Cornelia: Anna Predleus

Now, while Cornelia has got a mature voice in almost EVERY dub, the German dub was like: Hell no? She’s the shopping girl? She’s blonde? She needs a high voice. But..it works? Like people complain that Cornelia was too much of a bitch in the show, agreed but she still has got a brain and is still very mature and smart? I mean being a shopping girl doesn’t automatically make you dump. I guess they made Cornelia that way in the show because she was pretty unlikeable in the comics – especially in the first issues. So in the show she might have been bitchy but at least she still was FUN lol. So that is why I like Anna’s voice as Cornelia, yes it is no deep voice but it still fits the character in a different way. I also really liked her acting when it came to Elyon’s situation.

Memorable roles: Especially from my childhood: Gemini Stone from Sabrina – The animated series and Gina Lash from Angela Anaconda xD

Hay Lin: Carmen Katt

Now, she is the only one which I only connect with Hay Lin. Her voice was pretty high and “airy” but still might seem more mature than in other dubs. She really got the weird character of Hay Lin very well and I really like how she feld inside the character if that makes sense? Like, Hay Lin always got that little side-kick quotes and Carmen wasn’t simply reading them out but putting a lot Hay Lin spirit and it - is a bit like in Irma’s case – she really WAS Hay Lin. Like, she was the whole person, all emotions all states Hay Lin went through were on point. Be it her being very enthusiastic about being a guardian, or doing her art stuff or being hopeless in s2 when Yan Lin becomes brainwashed by Nerissa. I love her sm, my little baby girl. (Yes, I LOVE HAY LIN WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT THAT).

Memorable roles: I just looked her up and was like WTF she voiced Cleo de Nile (fhjdjsjlskl) from MH and RIAS GREMORY IN HIGHSCHOOL DXD  xD  and also Raven Queen in Ever After High. Lol, this women has got talent.

 And last but not least I want to talk about ELYON

Elyon: Julia Meynen

Omg, she was SO on POINT. I know, I said that before but Julia as Elyon OMG. I really LOVE how she got the emotions of the lost and angry Elyon in episode 01.14 Parent’s Night. Like, she can go from super friendly and cutesy to absolute terrifying mad like she is in 01.23 when confronting the guardians. She plays Elyon from the nice bf of Cornelia to the brainwashed princess and Julia played is so believable. Again, I use the word emotions here a lot, but Julia’s job as Elyon really gives me goose bumps.

Memorable roles: As for my childhood I’d put here Honoka Yukishiro from Pretty Cure and Sunburst from Barbie: Magic of the Rainbow and also Mami Tomoe from Puella Magi Madoka Magica.

Of course ALL voice actors if W.i.t.c.h. are GREAT and I will come back to this topic on day 19 xD

And now, everyone who read till here but a heart in the comments xD

[rosaline-kei]

Under My Wing - Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I do not own Boruto/Naruto nor the characters.

Fandom: Boruto: Naruto Next Generation.

Parts: 「1」 ,「2」, 「3」

Chapter 2′s Title: It Rises.

Synopsis: After her father had taken up Boruto as his student, Sarada began to feel a little... at a loss. Sure, Sasuke still teaches her some things, like how he taught her that Fireball Jutsu. But unlike to Boruto, he isn't her fulltime mentor. And now, she doesn't know who to turn for guidance in mastering her Sharingan. That is, until the Sixth Hokage came along. (Might contain Manga Spoilers)

Rated: T

Pairings (To note: Romance isn’t the main focus, though. But there will be pairing moments, just not a huge lot): Boruto Uzumaki/Sarada Uchiha , Sakura Haruno/Sasuke Uchiha , Naruto Uzumaki/Hinata Hyuga

Read it also on / Leave a Review at:

Ao3 or FF net

Author’s Note (READ AFTER READING CHAPTER): The original Author’s notes is damn long, so if you want, read the full thing on my ao3/ffnet accounts. A summary of it is that i found it hard to write, and i hope i don’t mess up lol.

Please Leave A Review (either here or the above stated fanfic sites!)! Constructive Criticism would be Appreciated :)

Also if any of y'all are wondering about the Chapter's title (it rises), it can be seen as Sarada's past curiosity rising or the rise (start) of the relationship between Kakashi and Sarada, the rise of troubles, the rise of the resolve in regards to Sarada's dissatisfaction etc etc 

-

It was a few days ago when Sarada had confided in her mother about some of the things that had been bothering her. Although, upon Sasuke's return from another one of his investigation related missions, that conversation regarding her troubles was discontinued as of now. Instead, a new conversation took place at their dining table as they ate dinner together. It was a normal family talk involving catching up with recent events. But it didn't touch on Sarada's present troubles. And whenever the young Uchiha felt like the topic was about to shift anywhere near to her personal emotions, she'd swiftly find a way to change it.

Soon enough with the day coming to an end, Sarada went to bed albeit earlier than usual. Her excuse was because she felt exhausted after running some errands that day (even though, in reality that wasn't the case). The real reason however, was because she wanted to avoid continuing the earlier conversation she had with her mother should she bring it up again. And now that Sasuke was back at home, she especially didn't want to talk about it anymore since it did involve him.

She… just didn't want to be a bother to both her dear parents.

…

"Did something happen with Sarada?" was the first thing Sasuke had asked when he was sure that Sarada was asleep and when he was alone with Sakura, sitting next to her on their bed.

So he had noticed. Sakura thought. "What makes you say that?" She asked back.

"When I came back home and took a glance at her while she was still sitting on the couch, she looked a little… sad." Sasuke didn't know how else to put it. "But then she changed her expression into something more… cheerful when she then went forward to welcome me home. And she's just… acting a bit different. Did she get into trouble…?"

"No, she didn't get into trouble." Sakura assured. "She's just… feeling a little left behind."

"'Left behind'?" Sasuke tilted his head slightly. In his eyes, Sarada was a strong and intelligent girl who possessed many talents. So he didn't really understand what she meant by 'left behind'.

That's when Sakura began to elaborate further. She told him the things Sarada had told her. She told him about the dissatisfaction she had of the fact that despite all her hard work in the two years ever since she awakened her Sharingan, there was still only one tomoe in both her eyes. She also told him the things that Sarada didn't say out loud. It was just as Sarada had expected—that even if she didn't convey all her worries verbally, her mother could almost always read her and see through her.

"I think she just envies the fact that you're Boruto's sensei, and that he is your pupil." Sakura said, "I don't know when this envy started. It didn't always seem to be like that. She was genuinely happy for Boruto in the beginning when you did take him in as your pupil after all. But maybe when her Sharingan wasn't evolving as fast as she had anticipated, she must have felt left behind when she saw her other teammates' progress. And then, envious that the only experienced and skilled Sharingan user known to her took in a non-Sharingan user as his pupil and disciple. I understand that you still do teach her new Jutsus from time to time, but there is a big difference, you know, between training someone occasionally, and taking in someone as your personal pupil."

Sasuke bit his lip slightly as he felt a familiar feeling rising within him as Sakura explained Sarada's troubles. Guilt. "So, I'm the one who made her have that look earlier…" He muttered to himself.

Sakura sighed softly, before her hand reached out for his, gripping it reassuringly. "Don't worry. I don't think she resents you for it. She could never truly resent you." She soothed, as if seeing through his own worries. "But, you have a reason for taking in Boruto, and not her, right?"

Sasuke's eyes trailed towards her hand which gripped his, before shifting it to entwine it with hers as he nodded. "Yeah."

He had told Sakura the reason before, but decided to reiterate it anyway. "Sarada's already strong. I am certain if she trains under Konohamaru for a while more, her Sharingan is bound to develop soon enough. Moreover, I have no doubt that Sarada is a smart girl. She already has a proper goal in mind, she is quick-witted, rational and more than anything, unlike that Boruto, she is mature."

Sasuke definitely had faith in his daughter. "She's already on the right path… I don't know how else I can guide her aside from teaching her some Jutsus every now and then…" Although, now that he thought of it, he realised that recently she hadn't really asked him to teach her any new Jutsus whenever he was around in the village. It had also been a while since he last taught her something new. At first, he assumed it was because she had been focusing on honing other skills that were taught by Konohamaru instead. But now that Sakura brought this up, he didn't think that that was the case anymore. After all, there must have been a reason why Sarada hadn't consulted him about this—about her Sharingan at all, right? There must have been a reason why she hadn't ask him to teach her anything new for quite a while now, right? Was it because she didn't want to be a bother? Because she didn't want to be annoying?

Sasuke could only wonder how long she had been feeling this way.

"Then there's that loser's son," He continued, sighing quietly, "He first asked for my mentorship because he wanted to find out Naruto's weakness. That isn't a goal nor the mind-set a Ninja should have. Boruto has the potential to be a great Ninja if I manage to change that immature thinking of his and his immature ways. Gradually, he's realising the path he should take as a Ninja, the one that involves not finding out Naruto's weakness for the sake of pummelling him. He's also beginning to see the other sides of Naruto and not just the one that he used to want to really pummel."

Sakura listened to him intently. When he finished speaking, she gave her response. "Mm… I can agree with you to a certain extent." She spoke, "But, you know, try to see a little from Sarada's perspective. Two years of training and going on missions, and her Sharingan is still yet to develop a second tomoe in both her eyes. Whereas in that span of two years, her two other teammates are showing clear development of their respective gifted abilities. For example, from what I heard, there's Mitsuki's getting better at handling his Senjutsu—his Sage Mode, and aside from Boruto's improvement with his Rasengan, there's also the recent discovery of his Jougan which is bound to boost his strength once there is more knowledge garnered about it."

When Sakura was done talking, Sasuke undeniably had a lot of things to say, and had felt a lot of things as well— all of which, he was unable to articulate and describe. He wasn't good with words.

After a short pause, he managed to ask, "What should I do?" His eyes then shifted its gaze to Sakura's green hues. He looked troubled and was at a loss of what to do now after discovering his daughter's worries. There were still many things he wanted to say and ask for her advice, but he found it difficult to convey it to proper words. And when he finally managed to voice out one of those thoughts, he found it to sound harsh and terrible.

"I can't be her sensei."

He didn't mean for it to be harsh and terrible, though. He had his reasons and Sakura knew that. So she didn't ask him why. He had said enough and she had understood enough, even if he didn't say all the other things in his mind out loud. She could tell what he wanted to say and what he meant just from the way he had spoken, the expressions he made as he did, and the way he'd look at her as he talked. "If that is what you think, then there is no helping it." She said, and she didn't sound upset nor disappointed with his choice which did catch him a little off guard. He sometimes wondered if he deserved someone like her, someone who was able to understand what he really meant, even if he couldn't word it out properly.

"I have a suggestion." She offered softly, with a gentle and assuring smile. "I could ask Kakashi to be her sensei instead."

His eyes widened as he heard her suggestion, he didn't expect that. Kakashi?

It didn't seem like a bad suggestion and idea, though.

Back in the present, Sarada—who had just found out that Kakashi was going to be her personal mentor, her sensei—was still undergoing the stages of denial.

"Did… I hear you wrongly? What do you mean by sensei? And why me?"

"No, you didn't hear anything wrongly, starting from today, I'm going to be your personal mentor." Kakashi reiterated, finding her denial quite amusing.

"But why me?" She repeated, still in disbelief. "Moreover, you're the Sixth Hokage… I don't want to unnecessarily make your schedule busier than it probably already is."

Truly, Sarada was a considerate girl. Sakura wasn't wrong about that. "I heard from someone that you're having issues with mastering your Sharingan," Kakashi started. And already, Sarada knew who that someonewas—her mother. Of course she would be able to read her worries and troubles like an open book. There was no running away from Sakura's discerning eyes when it came to her beloved daughter. Though now, she wondered if she had told her father about her unspoken thoughts and troubles. She'd rather have him not know about her own dissatisfaction about her abilities, her eyes… herself.

After all, Sasuke was already busy with his responsibilities as the Shadow Hokage for The Hidden Leaf Village—Konoha—not to mention, he was also Boruto's mentor. And in addition all that, he still had the duties of a father and husband. The last thing she wanted was to be a bother to him, or worse, be a pest to him so she kept her mouth shut. He already had enough on his shoulders.

"Also, I'm not the current Hokage anymore. Fortunately enough, unlike Naruto who's the Seventh, I don't have to deal with mountains and mountains of paperwork so often anymore." Kakashi spoke, a light-hearted laugh following after. "And although as the Sixth Hokage, I still have responsibilities from time to time, I'm not as busy as before. So rest assured, Sarada. As for your other question of 'why me', Well…" He trailed off, thinking of the best way to say out his reasoning. Although, in the end he only shrugged and said, "I just want to."

Sarada blinked her eyes in response. Eh?

The white haired male then turned away, beginning to walk off to another direction as he signalled for Sarada to follow. "Let's go to a more open space. I'd like to get a closer view of your current strengths and weaknesses."

"W-Wait!" The young Uchiha called out, she still had too many unanswered questions about the entire situation. Though there was one in particular that bothered her a bit more than the others. "Why you?"

In that instant, Kakashi turned back, causing Sarada to instantly flinch despite the fact he wasn't exactly glaring at her even after she had asked something seemingly rude. Her hands immediately went up, waving in defence. "I-It's not that I'm underestimating you or anything like that! It's just…if I want to improve my Sharingan… then shouldn't—"

"I was a Sharingan user." He said, cutting her off. And from his sudden serious tone that had risen and overtaken his earlier light-hearted one, the raven knew that he wasn't joking or lying to make her more accepting of him as her new sensei.

Kakashi took note of the shock and surprise that Sarada expressed once those words left his lips. It seemed like after the previous war, his famed nickname of 'Kakashi of the Sharingan' had died out overtime since he no longer had the Sharingan. So it wasn't a surprise to him when someone of the new generation, that being Sarada, found this fact to be something new. Moreover, there was also some history about the previous war and other sort of things that had been censored and kept hidden to the new generation and pretty much the public eye. For example, the full history of the Uchiha Clan was limited to the public.

They had their reasons for hiding certain bits of history, one of them being that they didn't want to incite anymore hatred. Admittedly, as time went by and as Sasuke atoned for his sins, most people no longer despised him for the deeds he had done in his corrupted past. But there was still a minority of people who didn't think that way, though they didn't lash out nor cause chaos due to the respect they had for Naruto who only wished for and wanted peace.

There were times where Kakashi wondered if keeping such things away from the new generation was an overall good decision, though.

Shrugging those thoughts away, he resumed his walk, expecting her to follow and expecting to receive an infinite bombardment of questions from her soon enough.

It had been an hour since Kakashi revealed to Sarada that he was an ex-Sharingan user, and her questions were still yet to be answered.

"I will answer your questions after you demonstrate your current skills." That was his first answer to her several questions that she had listed out and bombarded him with during their walk to a more spacious training ground.

So within that hour, she had showcased her abilities in all the Jutsus she had learned and copied from. And by the time she had to display her skills in Kunai throwing, her lack of concentration was becoming more apparent to Kakashi when she missed the bullseye by a long-shot on her first throw.

It wasn't like Sarada to show a lack of concentration. But after she had found out that Kakashi used to have a Sharingan, too many thoughts began to cloud her mind. She was distracted and it was clear to Kakashi that whatever she was currently displaying to him most likely wasn't her at her best.

Maybe I should have told her that after I had assessed her. He thought with a sigh as he watched her miss another target. Regardless, as a Ninja she shouldn't lose concentration over any news, whether it be shocking or not… I can't blame her too much, though. But if this had been in a battlefield…

"Sarada." Kakashi called out to her before she could throw another Kunai (and maybe even missing the target again), though in a stern way which was enough to make her flinch. "Focus. In a real battle, you can't lose concentration when your opponent tells you something shocking or disturbing. You will lose if you do."

"Y-Yes… sorry." She muttered. She felt frustrated with herself, she really did. Here she was, having the honour to be the Sixth Hokage's personal pupil and yet she was making a fool of herself in front of him right now.

She knew she should put aside the questions and other things that were currently pestering her after Kakashi said that he used to have the Sharingan. But she couldn't.

There was so little she really knew about the Uchiha Clan. Her knowledge of the Uchiha Clan was as limited as the book she read about it in the library a long time back. And now, today, she found out that a non-Uchiha had the Sharingan.

She was confused. And some thoughts of the past came barging in, distracting her.

There was a time when her curiosity about the Uchiha Clan had surfaced again. But when she asked her parents, her father especially, they always seemed to avoid the subject.

"That's something your Papa should tell you, Sarada." Her mother would say.

"I'll tell you another time, when you're older." Her Papa would say.

She tried to be understanding about it. But as time went by, she grew impatient. And in the end, she realised she didn't understand at all.

Alongside Team 7, she had saved several lives, she faced and fought threats to Konoha and she had survived deathly fights with those threats. And yet, she wasn't old enough to know the history of her own clan?

She didn't get it. Was there something to hide? What was so bad about her clan's history to the extent that not only the book at the library was restricted from telling her, but even her own parents were just as restricted as that book in telling her anything?

And as time went by, the only thing she found out was that her father in particular, didn't seem like he really wanted to touch on that subject. At least not now. He was always… hesitant.

She didn't want to start an argument with him. So in the end, she stopped asking. But now with the new knowledge of the fact Kakashi had the Sharingan, she wondered if those questions would now be answered. If he was willing to share that he once had the Sharingan then maybe he'd also be willing to share the other things pertaining to the Sharingan and maybe some information about her clan… right?

But then again, deep down she already knew that was… unlikely. After all…

"Stop thinking." She uttered to herself, cutting her own thoughts off as she tightly gripped onto her Kunai. "Now isn't the time to falter."

Taking a deep breath, she closed her eyes as she tried to calm herself. "Focus… focus…" She whispered quietly to herself before she opened her eyes, proceeding to throw her Kunai towards the target with great force and as much precision she could muster—but alas, it missed the bullseye… by only a millimetre.

Damn it. She cursed in her mind, her fist clenching. Even something this simple, I…

"Sarada." Kakashi called out to her again, making her flinch again. She turned towards him, expecting to see a disappointed or stern expression which would be followed up by him saying he didn't want to mentor her anymore. She expected the worst, but that wasn't what she met with.

"Come here." He said in a calm tone as he signalled her over. And as instructed she walked over, albeit nervously. "Sit." He added as he took a seat down on one of the large logs lying about. "You're not in trouble, don't worry." And it seemed like he noticed her nervousness.

How could she not be nervous? She was in the presence of the Sixth Hokage, who she just so happened to have messed up in front in the simplest form of training. Granted, she had met and spent time with Kakashi before when she was younger—but that was only as an Uncle. His presence as an Uncle was… light-hearted, there was nothing to be scared of from his aura. However, ever since after the announcement of him becoming her sensei and during the assessment of her abilities… she felt something different from him.

No longer was she in the presence of Uncle Kakashi, but instead she was in the presence of not only the Sixth Hokage, but also a highly-trained Ninja who was well-respected in the Ninja world. And the current aura of his that she felt was anything but light-hearted. She didn't know how to describe it other than the fact it was overwhelming. The last time she ever felt this overwhelming aura and even strength from him was probably back at the Academy, when he was the overseer for one of their exams.

She took a seat next to him. "I'm sorry I got distracted." She muttered, already recognizing her mistake. Kakashi took a brief glimpse at her, noticing the disappointment written all over her face. "As long as you correct it, it's fine." He replied.

A small gust of wind blew by as silence slowly diffused into the air. Though before it had the chance to make the atmosphere any more tense and nerve-racking, Kakashi broke the silence. "An old friend of mine gave me his Sharingan." He started as he looked up to the sky while Sarada turned her attention towards him. "He was an Uchiha, of course. And my teammate back during my younger days. Some things happened during one of our missions which had resulted in what I thought was his early death, and then before he 'passed', he entrusted his Sharingan to me."

Even though Kakashi's tone had the same calm in it as he spoke about his past, Sarada could feel the sorrow and grief he had as he talked about his old friend. "But as you know I don't have the Sharingan anymore." Kakashi continued when she didn't respond. "It's a long story. But in short, I returned it back to him after everything. He's no longer around anymore."

"Oh… I… I'm sorry for your loss." Sarada muttered, in a sympathetic way. "I didn't think—"

"It's fine." He assured.

His words had answered some questions of hers, but it had also left her with more. Like, if that friend of his didn't pass away in the beginning, why didn't he take back his Sharingan sooner? What did Kakashi mean by 'long story'? What did he mean by 'after everything'? What was 'everything'? Did it have something to do with the previous war or… was it something more?

What happened? Sarada pondered.

And as if he read her mind, he continued. "That's all I can say right now." Kakashi said, internally reminding himself not to speak too much of the past—not to expose too much of the Uchiha clan. It wasn't his story to tell, right?

"In time, you'll understand everything." He added on, and he had hoped that'd be the case. She shouldn't be kept in the dark for too long, after all.

I'll tell you another time, when you're older.

In time, you'll understand everything.

Those words were practically the same, and it annoyed her. From something sympathetic, her expression shifted to something troubled. How much longer would she have to wait?

"What's with that expression of yours?" Kakashi asked, noticing her sudden change in emotion.

"It's nothing." She lied. It's everything—that was the real truth.

"Really now?" Kakashi offered a light-hearted laugh. He didn't believe her a single bit. He had enough experience in his life to know that that wasn't the truth. But at the same time, he also didn't expect her to open up to him immediately. He had only just become her sensei after all. But as her sensei now, he had to reach out if he wanted to build trust and form a connection with his new student. "You don't have to open up to me immediately, Sarada. But if you do, I won't tell your parents if that's what you wish." And Kakashi wasn't lying when he said that. He didn't mind keeping some secrets. He wanted to build trust. Although, if one of the secrets Sarada told him for some reason was something as extreme as her wanting to start some war, he would have to go back on his word about not telling her parents. But that was unlikely. The slightest thought of that just happening seemed like a badly written joke.

Sarada briefly debated if she should tell him some of her troubles—troubles that she hadn't even told her parents directly, because she didn't want to burden them. She could sense Kakashi's genuineness and was certain he wasn't lying when he said he wouldn't tell her parents. And apart from the overwhelming presence and aura she had felt from him as the Sixth Hokage and skilled Ninja, there was also something comforting about him—reassuring, even. It wouldn't hurt to tell him some things, right? She thought to herself. I… don't know who else I can talk to about these things.

"I just wish that my father would tell me about the Uchiha clan, and his past. He doesn't seem very open to telling it, and I don't know why. I want to know why. He's… always hesitant. And at that time, I didn't want to start an argument with him over something like that. So I eventually ignored and tried to bury away any remaining curiosity I had left. But now after what you just told me about the Sharingan, it reopened that curiosity… just a little. And I know I'm getting my hopes up unreasonably high when I think you'd tell me more about my clan…" Sarada started, letting the vulnerable side overtake her in that moment as she decided to give him some of her trust. "Because in the end, as much as you've already opened up a little about yourself in regards to the Sharingan you once had, I already know that you won't answer too many of my questions about my father or the Uchiha Clan explicitly and directly. It's… because you respect him and you believe that it is something he should tell me, right?"

Kakashi was impressed by how sharp she was to already know the reason why he wouldn't tell her too much about the Uchiha Clan's history. He made a mental note to himself to be a little more cautious around her. "I'm surprised you'd already be aware of that much." His words were meant as a small compliment towards her sharpness, but she only shook her head in response. It wasn't because of her sharpness that she knew that much. "It's nothing worth a compliment." She sighed softly and offered a weak laugh, "I only know this because my mother is the same."

That's something your Papa should tell you, Sarada. Those words began to echo in her head.

There was a brief pause between the two's conversation. Sarada was reflecting on certain things while Kakashi thought back about his conversation with Sakura before.

"I can't believe you're making me come out from my retirement as a sensei, Sakura." He had groaned. "But you do realise," He continued, his tone gone solemn, "If I become her sensei, her finding out about Sasuke's past as well as the tragedies of the Uchiha Clan might inadvertently happen sooner than planned." Kakashi had said, knowing that Sarada for the most part, was still kept in the dark.

Of course Sakura had been aware of this. Sarada had to know that Kakashi was a Sharingan user if she was to fully accept him as her personal mentor and let him help her with her Sharingan. It was inevitable for her to know that much. And because she'll know he was a Sharingan user, her curiosity that she had buried in the past, would arise again. "I know." Sakura sighed.

"… I don't mean to pry," Kakashi spoke, "But among this generation's Ninja, Sarada is one of the most mature. It wouldn't hurt to let her know some things, if not, she might end up finding out about it the hard way."

Sakura's eyes only softened in a sorrowful way. "That is true." She agreed quietly, "But we're all afraid of something, aren't we?"

Kakashi knew she wasn't solely referring to herself, but Sasuke too. It didn't take a genius to understand what Sakura meant and what he was afraid of.

If a daughter found out that her father was once the most wanted criminal in Konoha, how would she feel? And what would be the worst that can happen after the reveal?

Admittedly, times have changed, so has Sasuke who now acted as the Shadow Hokage, protecting the village when Naruto couldn't. But again, there will always be that minority who thought otherwise.

On a different note, whatever the case might be, he knew that at the end of the day it wasn't his story to tell. He was just her sensei. He was just supposed to help guide her, improve her strengths, diminish her weaknesses, shape her into a better Shinobi and maybe even provide some assistance to her walk towards the path of becoming the Hokage. He wasn't supposed to be a ladle and stir up drama and chaos within the Uchiha Household.

"Kakashi-sensei." Sarada called out, snapping him out of his thoughts. It was the first time she had addressed him as her sensei, and yet she sounded unsure and maybe even still a little in disbelief. She turned towards him as she asked again, "Why did you decide to become my sensei?"

Before Kakashi had the chance to respond, Sarada continued to elaborate. "You could've said no. You had no obligation whatsoever even if you were a Sharingan user. I don't understand why you'd come out of your retirement for the sake of helping me with my own Sharingan."

Her disbelief and denial was truly amusing. Was it so hard to believe an old man like himself would come out of retirement?

"Well, I don't think I would've been able to say 'no' either way." He replied without thinking all too much. "You want to improve. You make an effort to improve. What kind of Hokage, Ninja, Uncle or even person would I be if I didn't help someone as earnest as you? Especially when I know I have the experience and knowledge to help you grow your strengths, and perhaps grow as a Ninja. Moreover, I'd rather not see an immense amount of potential go to waste for someone as earnest as you. In short, I just want to."

Sarada was at a loss for words by the time Kakashi finished explaining himself. She felt touched. And in that moment, she felt the troubles that had been weighing on her mind disappear for a fleeting moment. It was just nice to hear compliments as genuine as his in regards to her abilities, especially when she had been feeling left behind recently.

"Now then." Kakashi said as he stood up, stretching his arms as he walked towards the spacious training ground. "It's still early. And there's one last thing I want to assess you on now that I know your mind has been cleared a bit."

Sarada quickly stood up after. "S-Sure…" She stuttered, "What is it…?"

"It's nothing too difficult. It's to help me get a closer assessment of your current skills." He had said, and as he got into a fighting stance, Sarada could've guessed what it was, but she didn't think for it to be true until he told her. "It's combat. Treat me as the enemy, and don't hold back."