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dendrodorididae · 3 years

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Ok I’m trying my hand at fan fiction so

This is a Kaedehara Kazuha x his dead friend (Tomo) fic. TW for sh, suicide, angst, horny but not explicitly nsfw

Kazuha glanced at the sky above the ship. They had entered the sea surrounding Inazuma, and the vicious storm above began to soften. The traveler had insisted on going to his homeland, the place to which Kazuha never thought he’d return. As the ship moved closer to the islands, the man felt his nerves swell like the perilous waves below.

“Don’t worry, kid,” Beidou had said.

“It’ll be fine. It’s a quick stop, no ones gonna see you.” Despite the reassuring words, Kazuha couldn’t help but worry. Perhaps it was because he was a wanted fugitive? The man knew that this was part of it, but there was another reason. Something he couldn’t quite put his finger on.

The water below surged with electricity. The gentle hum of the energy was surprisingly calming. Kazuha leaned over the side of the ship as he listened. Eyes closing, a thought crossed the man’s mind. The tranquil nature of the water was similar to that of Tomo’s vision. Kazuha’s eyes quickly opened, and he was suddenly aware of the weight of the vision in his pocket. The gentle hum and warmth were gone, reminding him yet again of his friend’s demise.

The man also became aware of the dull pain in his hand. It was quite bothersome, but Kazuha found it despairing that the pain would fade. The burn was left by Tomo’s vision dying, and it was the last reminder of his friend being alive. It was the last reminder of the masterless vision being full of life. The more the wound healed, the more he realized that Tomo was gone.

“What are you so down about, Kazuha?” Beidou questioned. Kazuha turned to look at the woman, startled. He hadn’t realized that his face reflected his emotions. He quickly corrected his frown, and hoped that the falling rain masked the tears running down his cheeks.

“The fact that I’ll likely never be welcomed in my homeland again.” The man replied, lying through his teeth. He felt bad for being untruthful, but he knew that speaking his mind at that moment would make him break down. Beidou looked at him with a skeptical frown.

“Alright, kid, I won’t pry, but it can’t be healthy to keep shit bottled up like that.” Beidou replied. At that response, Kazuha knew that Beidou knew he was lying, which made him feel even worse about it. Noticing his guilty expression, Beidou grinned and gently ruffled the smaller man’s hair.

“Hey, don’t beat yourself up about lying, sometimes it the only way to keep your composure, y’know?” She said with concern in her tone. Kazuha looked up at the brunette and smiled, genuinely this time.

“Thank you, Beidou,” he spoke. Beidou grinned and walked away, and Kazuha redirected his gaze to the water. It was regular water this time, blue and quiet. He sighed and rested his head in his arms.

Not too long later, his eyes fluttered open, only to be met by the glaring sun. He quickly jumped to his feet. They were very close to Inazuma, close enough that he risked being seen.

“Oi, Kazuha!” Beidou called from the captains cabin. “I think it’s time you hid, we’re getting close!” Kazuha nodded, and quickly headed downstairs into Beidou’s small wine cellar. He despised the smell of alcohol, but ultimately decided that anywhere was a better hiding place than the bilge (the bilge is a cavity in the bottom of a boat filled with rancid water). The man crawled into the empty cupboard that Beidou had prepared for him, and gently closed the door. Luckily for Kazuha, the scent of the cedar wood walls overthrew that of the alcohol.

He relaxed as much as he could in the cramped space. His knee pressed uncomfortably against his injured hand, making the wound sting.

“Shit..” he mumbled. As bad as the pain was, Kazuha knew that there wasn’t enough room to readjust his position. He glanced over to his burnt hand. The darkness of the cupboard masked it from view, but he felt the bandage tightly wrapped around his skin. It had been almost a month since the incident, and Kazuha knew that Beidou would soon grow curious as to why the burn hadn’t healed. He knew that he wouldn’t be able to explain to her. Not that the burns were self inflicted, not why he didn’t want the wound to heal, and definitely not how much he enjoyed holding a torch to his hand, watching the skin char and blister, and… he pushed the thought out of his mind. He knew that what he was doing was wrong, but it felt so right. The more he did it, the more he knew that wasn’t really to just keep the wound open, but instead for the euphoric pain.

The ship suddenly halted, the force slamming Kazuha against the wall. He grunted at his knee slammed into his hand. Despite the throbbing pain making him grimace, he quickly calmed himself, and fixed his position as best as he could. He silently wished that his ‘hobby’ didn’t have such painful side effects.

Kazuha waited what felt like hours. The walls of the cupboard seemed to dig into his skin, and his limbs were sore from being idle for so long. Joy flooded his mind as he felt the boat begin to move, but the feeling was short lived. After all, he still had to wait until he left Inazuma’s waters.

Boredom must have gotten to him, because Kazuha’s mind began to wander. And of all things, he began to think about Tomo. Kazuha didn’t let himself do this often, as it often led to a spiral, but he simply didn’t care enough to stop himself this time. Luckily, he wasn’t thinking about his friend’s death, but rather how he made him feel. Whenever speaking with Tomo, Kazuha couldn’t help but notice how his friend’s lips moved, how his eyes scrunched up in the corners when he was happy, how his gray hair flew in the wind. He couldn’t help but think about what those lips would feel like against his. He knew that it was wrong to have these thoughts about another man, but he just couldn’t help it. He wanted Tomo in a way that he shouldn’t.

Kazuha often pushed away his fantasies about his friend, but today, he decided to let himself sink in thought. He thought about his friend’s hand gripping his back, the other running through his hair. He imagined his own hands cupping Tomo’s face, all as there lips pressed together. He imagined them occasionally pulling apart to take a breath, but the kiss would deepen each time they rejoined. He imagined his cheeks flushing, but that part wasn’t so imaginary. He imagined their tongues sliding against each other. He imagined Tomo’s hot breath against his face. He imagined Tomo pushing him down and laying on top of him. He imagined Tomo’s hand sliding to remove his shirt, before sliding even lower-

“Kazuha, you can come out of hiding now!” Beidou called as she opened the cupboard doors. Kazuha looked at her, his face an embarrassing shade of red.

“You’re pretty red, are you ok?” Beidou questioned. Kazuha tumbled out of the cupboard.

“Ye-yeah… I guess this cup-cupboard is just pretty hot,” He stuttered, growing redder by the second. Beidou chuckled.

“So, you’ve got a crush, huh?” She turned and started towards the stairs.

“Ah, young love,” she teased, despite only being a few years older.

“She must be a pretty hot bitch to get you all red like that,” Beidou walked out onto the deck, and Kazuha put his face in his hands. He wanted to correct her so badly, but he knew that Beidou would abandon him. No one could know that he liked men, they would hate him. His thoughts were interrupted by a meow. A meow? There weren’t any cats on the ship. He turned towards the sound and saw a small white cat. His eyes grew in shock. It was Tomo’s cat.

Kazuha crawled towards the feline. Was it really Tomo’s? His suspicions were confirmed when he saw its collar. It was the friendship bracelet that he had made his friend many years ago. What was it doing here? He also noticed a piece of paper, folded into the cat’s collar. He grabbed it and undid the folds, and realized it was a letter. A letter from Tomo.

Dear Kazuha,

I hope that this letter finds you as soon as possible. As you know, I have challenged the Raiden Shogun to a duel. I have always wanted to experience divine punishment, and me dying was no mistake. I wish I could’ve told you in person, but even now I can’t do it. The truth is, I don’t like women in a romantic way. I have feelings about men that I shouldn’t. I have feelings about you that I shouldn’t.

My family found out about these feelings, though. They said that they never wanted to see me again. Now that I have no place to call home, no family, and likely no vision soon, I have decided that suicide is my best option. I know that I could never win against the Raiden Shogun, and it is the perfect opportunity for me.

Kazuha, I want you to know that it’s not your fault. You are the person that has kept me going this long, but I just can’t do it anymore. What I truly want is a happy future with you, but I know that will never happen. My last request is that you tell the others about my sexuality. Tell them I’m sorry for resorting to death.

Also, I’m sorry to you. I’ve burdened you with my death, my feelings, and an errand. I know that you probably hate me by now, but you had to know. Please, remember that I love you. I love you from the bottom of my heart, and it hurts me to hurt you. I wish I could give you just one kiss before I die, I really do, but I guess I’m just a coward.

Thank you and goodbye, -Tomo

Kazuha couldn’t believe his eyes. His vision blurred as fat tears rolled down his face and landed on the paper. His hands trembled, and he let out a sob. He raised his hands to his face as he began crying loudly.

“Tomo..” he whimpered. He grabbed the paper from his lap and hugged it tight. Kazuha was crying so hard that he didn’t even notice Beidou enter the cellar, not until she rested her hand on his shoulder.

“Hey, are you ok?” She questioned, worry in her tone.

“You can tell me things, you know,” she said. She sounded so genuine, that Kazuha considered telling her everything. And that’s just what he did. He slowly outstretched his arm, and offered Beidou the letter. The brunette accepted, and began reading. Her eyes widened as she got further down the page. She gently placed the paper on the floor, and pulled Kazuha into a hug.

“I’m so sorry,” she said. Kazuha hugged back, and sobbed into her shoulder. They remained like that for a while, before Kazuha looked into her eye.

“Could I… tell you everything?” He asked. Beidou met his gaze and nodded. Kazuha took a breath and began to speak.

“I- I love Tomo too. I always have,” he started. Beidou’s face lit up with realization.

“Ohhh,” she said, as if she was putting a puzzle together. She must have remembered her input about Kazuha’s crush from before, because her face flushed with embarrassment.

“OHH… she said.

“Sorry, sometimes I forget that not everyone likes women.” She chuckled sheepishly. Kazuha looked up at her with bewilderment.

“Y-you too?” He said. Beidou nodded.

“Yeah, pretty much everyone on board is some flavor of queer,” she spoke. Kazuha’ face lit up, and more tears welled up in his eyes.

“Is that everything you wanted to tell me?” Beidou questioned. Kazuha shook his head.

“You know the burn on my hand?” He started. Beidou looked down at said hand and nodded.

“It healed a while ago. I… The ones there now are self inflicted, and I can’t stop doing it.” Kazuha admitted. His words sped up in the end, as if he was trying to spit them out as fast as possible. Guilt swelled in his stomach, before he noticed Beidou looking at him with the most loving expression.

“That’s ok, kid,” she comforted. She pulled off one of her gloves to reveal old, whitened scars that littered her forearm.

“I’ve been through the same shit, I can help you as much as you need.”

Kazuha melted at the sheer kindness. He leaned back into the embrace and began crying one again. Beidou patted his back, before asking another question.

“Oh yeah, what’s with the cat?”

#genshin impact #kazuha #kaedehara kazuha #kazuha’s friend #beidou #fanfiction #kazutomo #tomokazu #internalized queerphobia #tw sh mention #tw sui mention

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