#thinking hurts even when the only thing i can think about is the locked tomb

[michanvalentine]

Looking at the beautiful Astarion fanart here on Tumblr (thanks so much for your wonderful work, by the way), I found myself thinking about that cry after the fight with Cazador. To everything it expresses and the power of it all. It is useless to specify how heartbreaking and masterfully interpreted the sequence is. It's simply wonderful and if you don't cry too when you look at it, it means you have the emotionality of a garden gnome, lol.

But I try to empathize.

You died, not pleasantly. They beat you to death and the one who saved you was a vampire who gave you a choice you didn't have: death or eternal life. And you didn't know the consequences. You undergo a very painful transformation, become a spawn, and wake up under seven feet of dirt. Like an animal you dig your way out, with your nails, and when you reach the surface he is there waiting for you: your master. You don't understand, you're scared, he doesn't seem so reassuring anymore. And you're hungry. A hunger you didn't think possible. He gives you rules you can't break, because he controls your mind and body. You have to obey him, you have to stay by his side, you have to go hungry and, above all, you are his. Forever. And mistakes come at a high cost: after all, just existing is enough to incur the wrath of your master. And then there are the pliers and the whip for you. When you're lucky enough. Suddenly you lost all dignity as a human being and became a thing, a property. A thing with a purpose and its use to your master. What you think, what you feel, what you want doesn't matter. So you stop thinking, you stop feeling, you stop wanting. It probably hurts less. It probably keeps you from going completely crazy. You keep everything inside you. You learn to smile and obey, you can't say no anyway. You are forced into prostitution to bring back the cattle - not the people - needed to feed your master. It doesn't matter whether they are criminals, misfits or perverts of any kind. It doesn't matter if they disgust you or if they hurt you. You grit your teeth and let them use you. You keep it all inside and smile. You can't say no anyway. And your looks are the only thing you have, sex is the only talent you have. When you seduce someone, for a handful of hours, you are the one in control. You're the one pulling the strings of the game. Otherwise you are nothing. You're just a pathetic little boy who never amounted to anything. An imperfect being, despite your master's efforts to educate you. Your brothers and sisters - the other slaves - see you as weak. And like a rival. Your brothers and sisters will do anything to avoid the whip and gain the master's favor. To feed better, to sleep in a comfortable bed and not end up in the kennel. So you learn not to trust anyone, not to let your guard down, to strike first and hit hard. To be vulnerable is to be weak. To be kind is to be weak. And you spent an entire year locked in a tomb for a moment of weakness. Alone, in the dark, dying of hunger. So you keep it all inside, keep smiling and cracking jokes. Even if, after 200 years, you're a mess inside and you're falling apart. You keep smiling because you don't have a future anyway, you can't escape anyway. Appearance is all you have left and your smile is beautiful, your body is beautiful. Looks are all you have, the only thing you are desirable for. The only thing you can use to please your master and avoid torture. You keep everything inside: the loneliness, the pain, the fear, the disgust for yourself and for what you are forced to do, the sense of guilt for the people you ruined by handing them over to your master. You keep everything inside for 200 years, hidden, buried, if you prove weak you will die. You don't have to think, you don't have to feel, you don't have to want anything. This way it will hurt less.

And this is how each of those stabs inflicted on Cazador acquire power. This is how Astarion's screams and desperate cries become devastating to listen to. This is how it is impossible for the spectator not to cry. The moment in which Astarion kills and gets rid of his persecutor is masterfully directed and acted. It's a beautiful, cathartic moment that can shake you to the core. In that cry there is a whole world. There is everything that the spawn held back over those 200 years, everything that his beautiful smile hid. There is pain, desperation, relief, fear, tension, hope, loss and even grief. Because that bastard Cazador was his everything for 200 years and the void he left inside him is immense, however right, due and liberating.

And nothing, I'm all blaytering to say that I love the scene where Astarion slices up Cazador's dry ass.. For me it is a masterpiece! And I could watch it again and again and cry with the vampire spawn every time.

[sofipitch]

One big theme in the locked tomb is the importance of community, and especially with the framework of those with a disability. Harrow in HTN has two different worlds she is interacting with, one in which the people around her don't give a shit to help her at all, and in that world she dies. Then in the river bubble most everyone refuses to leave her on her own, thye chose to help her, many despite not knowing her. Compare Ianthe's speech to Harrow in the prologue, the way she frames it is Harrow will not survive if she doesn't accept her help, and that Ianthe specifically is the only one who can. Her speech intentionally or not implied that she sees Harrow as weak. Of course Harrow rejects her help. Whereas when Harrow is asking the others to not help her defeat the sleeper, many frame it as helping her is just being part of something they already wanted to do or that they benefit from (the ones that come immediately to mind being Abigail, Dulcie, and Marta). They help her but don't make her feel like she owes them anything for doing it. Which is the opposite of Ianthe, when Harrow makes her the bone arm, Harrow doesn't want anything in return but Ianthe explicitly states she doesn't want to owe her.

The same is true in Nona, Camilla, Palamedes, and Pyrrha don't really owe it to Harrow to keep her/her body safe. It's obviously a lot of work, the equivalent to raising a child, but Nona is never treated as a burden. And I hate to imagine what it would have been like for Nona had she been alone, she said she couldn't even remember to walk at first. And this is all over the series, Dulcie lovingly saying Palamedes invented the breathing tube for her. Camilla and Coronabeth caring for Judith when they were captured. Even in places that aren't tied to disability, a necromancer and cavalier HAD to work together to complete the challenges. The way both of the Palamedes' detective short stories depend on the help another person lends him. It means so much for a story featuring characters with a disability to emphasize that it is okay to need other people, that we all do or will. That you don't need to push yourself to extremes to keep up (Harrow has this mindset in both books and in both she succeeds the most with the help of others, not alone).

To go even further, it isn't just about helping one another, but the importance of not keeping a score. Don't think you have to make up an equivalent amount of help to someone else. One of the things Gideon emphasizes as the most hurtful in Harrow's rejection is the rejection of her help. Palamedes says that he feels bad for using Camilla for his agenda and she answers that it was never his agenda. Him needing her body was something Camilla would never think twice about giving. They would do these things because they love them. This is just me repeating themes but I'm so used to the Western independent mindset, and disability porn of "if you just try hard enough" this series is a breath of fresh air

[astroyongie]

Seventeen: They Text You One Month After Your Death

Note: heavy angst and mentions of S* Scoups

"Wake up y/n and stay with me"  "I swear to god that right now, I need you here"  "I need you to stay strong baby.. Can you yell those words at me again please?"  "Ever since you left i try to remind me where I came from and where I belong, but without you i feel so lost in this earth"  "So wake up y/n.. and stay with me"

Wonwoo

"Its been a month already y/n.. do you remember, summer after high school, when we first met?"  "We maded out in my car and on my 18th birthday, we got those stupid matching tattoos. I still cry when i look at mine"  "do you remember when we used to steal your parents' liquor and go to your room? we spoke about our future like we had a clue you would leave me"  "fuck i never planned that one day I would be losing you. Why did you got to leave?"  "In another life y/n, I would be your husband and we both could keep all our promises of being happy together"

Mingyu

"I've been holding my breath each time i think of you"  “Wonwoo told me he put lillies on your tomb today. Sorry. didn't come, I've been holding back tears ever since that day"  "I miss you so much y/n"  "I've done a lot of things wrong, but i swear loving you was never one"

Vernon

"y/n"  "I can't imagine a world with you gone and yet here we are. Fuck i am still in denial"  "I have always said i would be so lost if you left me alone in this fucked up world"  "I can't stop crying"  "the images of you locked in the bathroom, lying on the floor when I broke through"  "and i pulled you y/n, did you felt me? did you heard me y/n? I pull you in to feel your heartbeat and i couldnt hear a damn thing"  "did you hear me screaming?"  "Please don't leave me"

Hoshi

"It's not true. Even today i can't accept that its true"  "y/n, please tell me I've been lied to, that you are still here, that you are still alive and well somewhere"  "Crying isn't like me, but i didn't stop ever since you left"  "What the hell did I do?"  "I love you but I don't want to"  "this hurts so much"

The8

"Hey y/n how have you been? Have you been sleeping well? have you been eating well?"  "I hope you are wearing that hoodie i gave you. I am wearing the one you gave me. as a matter of fact i dont have the heart to remove it"  "I hope you bribed the door on your way to the sky. I know god wouldnt mind it"  "y/n wait for me yeah? I miss you. Dont cry for me. The end is near”

Jun

"Hey y/n"  "sorry i am only talking to you now.. ah, i may have fucked up ahah"  "I am currently laying in the silence, waiting for the sirens of the ambulance"  "yeah.. i fucked up.. but i missed you so much"  "I'm alive still.."  "I don't wanna lose it but i cant bare being apart from you"  "but I'm not getting through this.. y/n what should i do?"  "should I pray? to whom? to myself? to a God?"  "y/n.. help me"

Dino

"miss your touch every nights y/n.. lately i have been feeling a little hollow. And you how have you been feeling?"  "I know you crossed the bridge that I can't follow, but hey brat, you could have said goodbye"  "but now we cant change the past.. the love that you left is all that I get"  "I want you to know that, if I can't be close to you, I'll try settle for the ghost of you"  "I miss you more than life"

Woozi

"I am sorry i keep texting you. i just hate you so much right now.” ”never saw it coming, I couldn't read the signs that you werent okay and fuck this.. i hate myself"  "Now I know that it means nothing"  "you are always on my mind y/n"  "the others are trying to tricked into believing that everything will work out in the end"  "fuck them. You were the only one for me"

Joshua

"Hey baby how are you? I am not doing good ahah.."  "All I want is nothing more but too hear you knocking at our appartment door"  "if I could see your face once more y/n, I could die a happy man"  "When you said your last goodbye that night, when that fucking disease took you, i swear to all angels I died a little bit inside"  "y/n, i miss you so much and all i do is lay in tears in bed"  "I never felt so alone"  "But if you loved me, why you leaved me?"

Jeonghan

"Yo brat.." “Woozi and Joshua made me text you.. tsk they are idiots.."  "but hey brat.. you were the light to my shadow, did you know?"  "fuck god to take my star. another star they say, fuck them. you are fading away in my memory"  "Where are you now brat? Are you okay?"  "Please... y/n."

DK

"y/n I think I lost myself again"  "But I remember you told me to stay strong and Seungkwan has been nagging me to eat more"  "But I wish you would be the one telling me that"  "y/n tell me why our love is six feet under ground? Are you cold down there?"  "I will go to your grave tomorrow.. Wonwoo told me to watered the Dahlias"  "Would they bloom?"  "It's all too much for me"  "How could you die carelessly? Whos gonna take care of my heart now?"

Seungkwan

"Hey baby"  "i decided to text you bc sunday mornings were your favorite and we used to meet with the gang"  "your last sunday you did your hair up, you looked so pretty"  "y/n, I have been screamin at a God for the past weeks"  "I'm still holding on to everything, I don't wanna say goodbye bc this one means forever"  "I don't want to say goodbye so please.. come back to me"

[fourraccoonsinacoat]

The beautiful subtleties of the Astarion scar scene, and why this is that headcannon scene where Tavurge draws Astarion.

***Trigger Warning for discussions of body autonomy and sexual trauma.

And we're back for yet another midnight dissertation where I over analyze the F out of a video game character romance, because I can't stop thinking about how amazing the storytelling is. I need help.

So we all love that Astarion romance headcannon where Tavurge draws/paints/does-something-to-show-Astarion-his-face. It's a beautiful headcannon and I adore it. But, allow me to convince you that Larian did, in fact, give us this scene. And it's the scene where Tavurge draws Astarion's scars.

Jump in the car, here we go:

The song playing in the background of this scene is "I Want to Live." I think that's a very deliberate choice, as that song is very tied to Astarion. So much so, that you can stand on a rock behind his tent and suddenly the full song starts to play, lyrics included. Music reminding us of the one thing Astarion wants more than anything else?

Astarion wants the freedom to live a life he chooses, he wants his choices to matter. He's been living 200+ years, but can't remember ever feeling alive until now. He is so deathly afraid of what he has being ripped away now that he's had a taste.

Because every other time he ever felt hope, Cazador tore it away and punished him. Cazador has caught him before when he ran, and locked him in a tomb to starve in darkness for a year. There's a reason the game makes it clear that this is his worst memory. It has to constantly be haunting him, fearful that at any moment Cazador is going to rip this away, too.

So, Astarion sleeps with Tavurge and is suddenly told that the design Cazador drew on his back is written in Infernal. Infernal being the language devils use to write Infernal Contracts. Astarion has to be out of his mind with fear that whatever is on his back binds him to Cazador in some way. Maybe in a way he doesn't know about.

I need to say something about body autonomy trauma, so trigger warning for those who struggle with these subjects. Sexual and body autonomy trauma both play into why this scene is powerful. I struggle with both and there's a reason his story hits particularly hard with me.

****Trigger For Description Of Emotional Response to Trauma: Having control of your body taken away leaves you with a type of deep, primal fear that is very difficult to explain. It's ridiculous and cliche, but the honest-to-best way to describe it is it, feels like a hole deep in your chest where something used to be. And it was literally wrenched out of inside your body, a place where nobody should be able to go because if your body isn't safe then where the fuck is? So keep that in mind.****

Not only has Astarion not had control of his body, he can't even see it in a reflection. Let that sink in.

To add it all up: he has something written in Infernal on his back that he can't see, but that could mean the one thing he's dreading = being bound to Cazador and having all of this ripped away. Again. And then he'll be punished, doing nothing but thinking about what he only just got a taste of.

This is why the cycle of abuse just crushes hope out of you. Because things hurt so much worse when you're hoping for them to work. At some point you're just hurting yourself by hoping.

He's terrified and he can't even look at his own body to see what someone forcibly mutilated into his skin.

So, Tavurge approaches Astarion from behind, just like in the mirror scene. Except this time, Astarion can't see them approaching.

Tavurge surprises him, in what's already a vulnerable moment, and surprises him from behind. A position of weakness. We'll hit on this more in a moment.

Astarion snaps at Tavurge due to being caught in a vulnerable moment. But, he quickly slides back into his charm and apologizes. Mask back up.

He explains what he was doing and the dialog choices here even throwback to the mirror scene. You can tell him you'll be his mirror in this scene.

He's hesitant about the idea. He's not comfortable with vulnerability, and outright tells Tavurge this isn't their problem. This is an extremely vulnerable thing, especially for someone with body autonomy issues. You're turning your back on someone and asking them to show you what's on your own damn body! What if they lie?

This is a major trust moment for Astarion. If you ask later to talk to others in camp about his scars, he is quick to say no.

He's not ready to trust that much. He just was vulnerable with Tavurge and that took too much out of the vulnerability reserves to push for more. Got to let those reserves build back up by seeing more reasons that show it's okay to be vulnerable.

This man does not want to turn around. He keeps his head down and grimaces, closes his eyes to brace himself. Think about all the triggers he must have about turning his back on people. He wasn't exactly bringing the morally upright back to Cazador. And Cazador, himself, obviously took advantage of his control to force Astarion to turn his back to him. Thus the scars.

Given all of that, he still turns around in an act of consent.

I love that you can just choose to quietly draw. You don't tell him how bad it looks, you don't try to comfort him by saying it's not that bad (which he would likely only hear as patronizing in this moment), and you can choose to not make a joke. I feel that's meaningful.

He turns around and can finally fucking see this thing that's been on his back for over two centuries.

At least he got to see his face, even if he can't remember almost anything about it. At least he can touch his hair, touch his face to get an idea. He can't even do that with the scars.

This means a lot, guys. Tavurge has drawn something that I argue is more meaningful than Astarion's face.

Tavurge has drawn a significant key to his future. The future he wants more than anything.

He needs to figure out what the hell this is before Cazador possibly activates it and Tavurge just made that significantly more possible.

And then, Tavurge has the option to call the two of them "we" for the first time in a way not tied to sex. Telling him "we will figure this out" and not asking for anything in return or giving him a hard time about it - at least not too much. The "shut up and turn around" dialog is one of my favs, and I feel Astarion appreciates the candor.

He's definitely sus when you say "we".

That is the face of sus.

But also...amusedly hopeful?

I like that he calls Tavurge "sweet" here. It makes me think of him calling them "cute" in the spawn ending at the grave with the flower.

I think Astarion really picks up on small things. Things people say and do genuinely, and I think it both amuses and confuses him, and in the beginning (here) still makes him uneasy and suspicious. He even asks it as somewhat of a question. Like, are you really actually this genuine?

I also would like to make an argument to the court that this is a significant moment when Astarion starts to realize he !FEELS! something for Tavurge and it's wigging him out!

They're making him hope again, and that's scary.

So, there. That's my evidence for why this scene is the drawing Astarion scene that we all love in our headcannons.

Tavurge is drawing something of extreme significance here. And I love how incredibly subtle this scene is in not blatantly pointing that out.

It's beautiful writing and that is all, your honor. Midnight dissertation - but also I may be in court - over!

Thank you for reading any of this nonsense.

[lemon-natalia]

Harrow the Ninth Reaction - Chapter 51

Gideon just absolutely adoring the idea of her mother growing up, talking to her all the time … and Wake explicitly had her as a tool. to murder her. to unleash someone to kill Gideons biological father. oh this is so fucked 

this is a complete sidenote but i cherish every little bit of info we get about baby Gideon and Harrow, its so cute but so heartbreaking, and they hurt each other in the cruel ways only little kids can

also!!! Harrow had Gideon’s blood on her from their fight. so she really did unlock the Locked Tomb? but i’m still slightly confused since Mercy mentioned the blood ward needed ‘a thanergy burst’ from someone’s death alongside her blood to mimic the Emperor’s, which was to my understanding why they were planning to kill baby!Gid as well - how did Harrow get in with just the blood? did the 200 souls she has tagging along count?

A.L. is Alecto, and calling her a monster pretty much confirms that she’s the body in the Locked Tomb! also the Lyctors are hardly good, moral, people - what kind of person was Annabel Lee to terrify them so much, for them to consider her a ‘monster’? moreover what actually was she, that apparently John couldn’t even kill her again

and if those weird black eyes were originally Alecto’s … thats another hint she seems to be more than human

oh this guy is SUCH a bastard, he knew that there was a way to achieve Lyctorhood without killing the cavalier, and he still let them do it. and Harrow, through … whatever she did to her brain, achieved it. i’m guessing this is what Palamedes was talking about when he asked if Harrow had ‘finished the work’ 

which does beg the question as to why he didn’t tell them. he says that it was ‘easier’ not to, and he ‘thought he was doing the right thing’ - but given he’s asking for Mercy’s forgiveness here, i really don’t know if he’s being genuine. but if he is, i’m very curious as to what situation could warrant not telling them about this being in anyway close to what (at least, he believed) the right thing

'[Ianthe’s] expression was blank, no emotion at all’ i wonder how Ianthe feels about this. she didn’t seem to care much for Naberius, but still being lied to like that can’t feel good. or perhaps, upset with herself on an intellectual level for not realising that ‘true Lyctorhood’ could be achieved?

'Nobody has to be punished anymore for what happened to humanity’ who exactly is the Emperor punishing with this war, he doesn’t seem to be achieving anything at all with it, let alone any form of retribution 

oh shit this is the murder then! here we are finally, i really didn’t think Mercy would be the one to do it

'Leaving me an orphan again’ Gideon has gone through a ridiculous rollercoaster of revelations and emotions right now, she just met both of her biological parents for the first time and saw them both die in the span of half an hour. fun!

also Harrow has been privy to absolutely none of this information, i feel like if anything was going to break her faith in the guy it’ll be that there was technically no need for Gideon to sacrifice herself - it will be very interesting to see her reaction if she eventually finds out 

[makethosenarratorsfight]

UNRELIABLE NARRATORS; SIDE C

*NOTE; Gideon Nav propaganda below Narrator's, as poll maker decided to cut some under Read More for post length

The Narrator Propaganda:

Just... Just listen to the "unfunny" clip, what's more to say, vote for the gay old guy

Depending on the ending, he can be

Spoilers I guess??? He's always trying to guide Stanley to the outcome HE wants, which is a very, very small chunk of the game where the player just obeys everything and doesn't experience anything else. Obeying Narrator to a T will win you the "Freedom" ending, where Stanley can finally leave the office building, and Narrator will wax on about how Stanley's "happy" and "finally free to live at last". ...exceeeept, on completion, Stanley will spawn right back in the building as though nothing happened, restarting the adventure all over again. The truth is that Stanley will never be free, regardless of what the Narrator says. Stanley is trapped in the building and will stay trapped no matter what. This truth can only be acknowledged if you're defiant, and even then, I may be mistaken but I'm pretty sure the Narrator never fully admits this??? The museum ending has a WHOLE DIFFERENT narrator explain their mutually fucked circumstances. The dishonest factors can increase in other ways from the player's input (for example, the Narrator might say "Stanley walked through the left door", but the player can use their input to defy this statement and go through the right one instead, therefore making the Narrator's statement inherently dishonest and the Narrator will get pissy about it, changing the outcome for that path). Sometimes he'll misdirect when he's petulant, especially if the player is directly defying his instructions, which makes the game feel like a game of tug-rope for control at points. I want to say there are times where he directly attempts to trick the player but admittedly I can't think of an exact instance. Plus you know, the Narrator has a large ego and always talks big about things like his importance and integrity and whatnot so who knows how much of that is even sincere and how much is a sad veneer, but that's getting into overanalysis territory and my fingers hurt so let's leave this here. I hope this was coherent.

he quite literally rewrites the story whenever he has issues with the direction stanley starts to go in, i do not know how to explain it better than that

He is literally the narrator, and he constantly tries to mislead and lie to Stanley through the narration to get him back on the story’s proper path

He constantly narrates what Stanley is feeling as if it is the truth, when it is not. He speaks as a authority, and while he is one, he is definitely not reliable.

Gideon Nav Propaganda:

(Spoilers for Ht9) She just. Fully ignores most of the magic plot happening around her in the first boom to be a dyke. In the second book it’s even less reliable and it’s fully fucking insane. It’s first person but she’s telling YOU (harrow) what is happening and it’s impossible to decipher. The appearance and personality of every character is fully morphed by Gideon’s mean dykishness.

MASSIVE spoilers. Like even mentioning that this is a thing is a huge fucking spoiler. I normally don’t care about spoilers that much but I legitimately feel awful for anyone with even a passing interest in reading these books who has this spoiled for them. Anyway. Yeah turns out the second-person narration is actually a first-person narration by the dead girl living in Harrow’s head whose death traumatized Harrow (and the entire fandom) so badly that she literally lobotomized herself to forget it and give Gideon a chance at not having her soul digested.

constantly adds her own commentary, does not pay attention to the interesting moving parts of the plot bc she's too busy looking at pretty girls, cannot be trusted to read her own intentions correctly never mind anyone else's. I love her dearly

she just doesn’t notice or doesn’t give a shit about a ton of plot-essential information. Harrow and Palamedes are talking about a necromantic theorem that would blow open the entire story if we could hear them? You can instantly feel Gideon’s eyes glaze over and her mind wander to the nearest available hot girl, and our attention goes with her. It’s handled so smoothly that you might not even notice it happening until a second or third read.

More Propaganda under cut!

Gideon Nav is all but useless as a narrator, and we love her for it. So first of all, she knows absolutely nothing. She grew up under a rock. Almost literally. When the plot is happening near her, she almost never tells us about it. Politics, history, and the magic system are boring. Let her know when there's something she can FIGHT. She also has very selective emphasis and focus that can change a scene completely without ever actually lying. She can tell the same story—to us, in her third-person narration as a factual recounting—and in one version the incident will be a schoolyard scuffle, while a later telling will reveal it to have been a near-homicide. She'll confidently interpret other character's motivations and emotions, only to later be proven wrong. But the thing that makes her REALLY unreliable? She lies to HERSELF constantly. She will tell us in her narration that she doesn't give a shit where someone disappeared to, and then spend the whole day searching for them. She'll say she hates someone, when. Well....

okay so i am actually going to do one segment about her own book and one about harrow’s so many apologies and also many spoilers ahead okay? okay so in gideon the ninth it’s a well known thing that she’s an unreliable narrator on two fronts: she lies to herself and therefore us about how she’s feeling and what she’s thinking, and also she isn’t paying attention to the plot at all. the only things she pays any attention to are hot girls, swords, and hot girls with swords. at one point she watches their only way out be sealed off and is so bored about it that she goes to sleep watching it happen, taking absolutely no note of “oh hey they’re trapping us here”. later someone asks IN FRONT OF HER “hey where did all our shuttles go” and shes like “😌😌😌😌😌😌😌😌😌” and still does not make the connection. babygirl. but THEN!!!!! in HARROW the ninth (MAJOR SPOILERS AHEAD) gideon is the narrator the ENTIRE TIME (except for the revised canaan house parts) and not only does she editorialize, she also straight up lies about events and motivations! partially justified by her being inside harrow’s head, but like. babygirl. beloved. the interjections of “holy fuck” and “pommel” and othersuch things is so important to my mental health and wellbeing. thank you. thank you for lying to us so so much.

[lisannastraussisanangel]

Just curious, if Lucy became Lumen Histoire to save Natsu from himself (well, E.N.D. self), how do you think Team Natsu would react to the aftermath?

Oo this ones interesting! Alright let's jump straight into it!

Natsu

He blames himself hardcore. Even tho everyone tells him it was her choice

He decides he has to save her, spending every second of the day contacting people, finding ancient tomes, and even doing research

It gets so bad that he stops eating and sleeping properly. The guild finally snaps when Natsu collapses in the hall and has to be hospitalized

Gray ends up screaming at Natsu that this isn't what Lucy would want. He makes Natsu promise to take care of himself. (just like Natsu did with Gray on Galuna)

He can often be found sleeping at the foot of the crystal. He promised he would always be by her side and he intends to keep that promise

Natsu never quits trying to save her. He takes time to look after himself but not nearly enough to be considered healthy. Everyone fears he will work himself to death, but he won't listen to reason

Gray

He cries for days, thinking he could've done something to stop it.

Part of him deep down blames Natsu and he wants to freak out on him and scream about how this was his fault because someone needs to take the blame, but then Gray looks over at Natsu and sees how destroyed he is and Gray forgets that anger

He distracts himself by taking care of Natsu. He makes him food, checks on him, makes sure he's sleeping, etc.

It's all a front because Gray is barely holding it together himself

His nightmares are brutal and he only sleeps a couple hours a night

He can't bring himself to look at her. Gray has never looked at the lacrima she's in. It just hurts too much to see her like that

Erza

The first couple days, Erza is an absolute mess. She locks herself away and just sobs.

No one hears from her until one day Erza shows back up acting as if she never disappeared

Erza reverts hardcore. Back to protecting her heart with armor. She's always tense, polite but not social, and walks through the guild with her head down

Natsu and Gray try to get her help with fixing Lucy, but Erza gets so upset at the mention of her name, they run away in fear

She's completely shut down. Lucy's name is never mentioned around her, because she will get up and leave. Sometimes disappearing for days again

No one's ever seen her visit Lucy's tomb, but Erza will sneak in from time to time to pay her respects

Wendy

She refuses to leave Lucy's side

Right after it happens, Wendy has to be dragged away kicking and screaming. She went full dragon force on them

She only settled down when Erza placed a hand on her shoulder and asked her to step away with tears in her eyes

Wendy is convinced her magic is the secret to getting Lucy back

She's just as determined as Natsu (but in a slightly healthier way)

All of her free time is spent hanging out around the lacrima. Usually researching and trying new spells, but sometimes she just sits and pretends she's talking to Lucy

Wendy goes down and vents to her, tells her the latest tea in the guild. It makes her feel better to speak to Lucy. She hopes Lucy can hear her (Lucy can btw)

Happy

He takes it really hard. He cries at even the mention of her name

When it happened, he turned around and begged Natsu and Wendy to do something. They have to know how to fix her

When they told him they didn't know, he flew off in a fit

Carla ended up finding him later that night. He had fallen asleep in a tree, face wet with tears

The guild doesn't know what to do because Happy isn't happy anymore

He spends all his time with Natsu looking for answers

Carla

While the most calm about it, Carla is upset as well. She cries in secret, but pretends to be strong for Wendy

Carla knew it was going to happen. She saw it in advance but it was the only way to stop E.N.D.

She spends most of her time trying to pretend things are normal.

She tries to force them all into their old behaviors. Like trying to instigate a fight between Gray and Natsu so Erza can break it up

Anything to get things back to normal

It doesn't work and she ends up spending her time helping them search for a cure

[harrowharks-iliac-crest]

47

Fifth skull, in two - the exorcism is about to begin.

She had said to Ortus, “I thought the messages were hallucinations, even though I never hallucinated like that before. It was easier to believe I was succumbing to the madness again.” “Harrow,” he had said, “I have come to the conclusion that you were never mad … though who can be the judge of madness?”

Just like me, Ortus thinks the insanity was an artefact of the whole Harrow's brain being seriously messed with.

“Pal always said I’d be the death of him. And I was … He and I never even got to meet. I never even really got off Rhodes. It seems like such a bastard. You did kill the Lyctor, didn’t you?” “Yes,” said Harrowhark. “Was it quick?” “Quicker than she deserved,” said Harrow.

Harrow, don't be so sure of that.

And if, somehow, they managed to get Palamedes to join their little bubble from his - then perhaps Dulcinea and him could still meet, at least in death? That would be sweet.

Harrow remembered that Palamedes Sextus had made a war of his whole life in order to prosecute his desire to marry this woman. “The only thing that ever stopped me being exactly who I wanted,” she said, “was the worry that I would soon be dead … and now I am dead, Reverend Daughter, and I am sick of roses, and I am horny for revenge.”

Oh hell yeah. The real Dulcinea Septimus is really cool, I like her.

“Oh, Harrow, bless you, I always was a busybody,” she said smilingly. “Don’t thank me for sticking my oar in. You asked me to come, and I came. I understand you didn’t ask on purpose, but I like to think that there was a grain in your soul that saw yourself in need, and perhaps thought to itself, I wish I had Abigail Pent. It takes a great deal of ego to be a psychopomp. Thank you for letting me be yours.” And she curtseyed to Harrowhark, with enormous grace. Harrowhark bowed in return, and found herself saying, “The body of the Locked Tomb preserve you and yours, Pent,” and meaning it.

I'm sooooooooo happy we get to spend some time with Real Abigail. I was always so sad that they died so early in Gideon the Ninth. I always felt like Harrow's fake memories felt too real, when it came to her. I'm sooooo glad it's really her, well, her soul.

Abigail asked: “Who are you?” And with a sodium flare sparking from Abigail’s fingers, the lid of the coffin swung open [...] There was nothing inside.

:o

The Sleeper was not, in the end, of any great height or breadth, and the voice that had emerged from that mask was not inhuman. In fact, it was a woman’s voice. “You wizards never learn,” said the Sleeper.

My bets are still on Cytherea, somewhat.

“Listen to your leader,” said the Sleeper. “Don’t engage. I’m not here for you, but don’t think you can’t die again. Just give me the girl, and the rest of you are free to go back to whatever hell you came from.” Abigail said, from somewhere in cover, “You must be joking.”

You really think Harrow's friends are going to abandon her so easily? After already going through all of this for her - while being able to leave, and deliberately choosing not to?

“Seven,” said the Sleeper. “Six. Five—” “My cue, I think,” said Magnus Quinn.

I LOVE this. I love all of them banding together to fight an unnamed, faceless, terrifying ghost.

“I have known one death,” he said hoarsely, “and I swear that I will not know its like again.” “Smart boy,” rasped the Sleeper, her voice still strangely fuzzy, as if she were speaking through a communicator. “Figuring out the limits, are we? Doesn’t matter. My rules.”

Souls can die in here, but not so easily. I'm completely gripped, I'm on the edge of my seat, the real world doesn't even exist to me anymore.

“What happens? What happens if you take me?” Ortus said urgently, “Lady, no.” The Sleeper said, “You’ll die. It doesn’t have to hurt. I’m not here to torture anyone.” “And?” “I get your body.” “And?” “I finish it.” “Finish what?” “This isn’t a conversation. Two.”

How terrifying!

It could still be Cytherea. She saved Harrow's body earlier - it could be because she wanted it for herself.

But I somehow feel like it's getting somewhat less likely that it's her.

[askaniritual]

it is hard not to look at how gamzee/terezi is rendered in the serendipity gospels and compare it to how gideon and harrow are positioned in the locked tomb. because at the start its the same premise:

highly competent young upstart sets out to prove her place in the system but is paired with a competent dumbass who refuses to try. young upstart initially believes she can brute force her way to success by working hard enough for both of them, but comes to understand that she is going to need the genuine support and engagement of her partner in order to continue

but that being said with terezi and gamzee there is this element of corruption. gamzee doesnt want to hurt anybody, he doesn't want to win, he doesn't want to participate in the system at all but terezi forces him to and in doing so she makes him angry and cruel and violent and she makes him do things he would never have done if she had just left well enough alone. terezi believes that she's pale for gamzee, she thinks shes doing right by him, but the only thing she can do is generate a kind of codependent hate that binds them irrevocably

in the locked tomb i think it's a bit of a gentler story. gideon is made heroic by force of her love for harrow. harrow is finally made selfless by force of her love for gideon. the hate is there to begin with, but i dont think harrow forces or honestly even expects the same kind of violence from gideon. gideon offers her support and harrow is essentially the one who breaks down to accept it. when gideon dies in gideon the ninth, it's a sacrifice born entirely out of love.

terezi and gamzee's story (what we see of it anyway) is about how devotion and ambition will break you, but at least for harrow and gideon i think their story is one about how absolute devotion can make you capable of something better than the sum of your parts

[iviarellereads]

Nona the Ninth, Guest List and John 20:8

(Curious what I'm doing here? Read this post! For detail on The Locked Tomb coverage and the index, read this one! Like what you see? Send me a Ko-Fi.)

No chapter icon for either, but both have lots to talk about.

Dramatis Personae Guest List, as dictated by Nona and transcribed by "C. Hect"(1)

Dogs. Nona LOVES dogs. She wants all the dogs she knows at her party. She also wants all the members of the gang there, with all their unfamiliar names. There's also a teacher she calls The Angel she'd like to invite.

The Blood of Eden members are where this list starts to get interesting. "Crown Him with Many Crowns"(2) is shot down by Cam in notes, and "the Captain"(3) is "Not possible". Cell/Wing Commander We Suffer and We Suffer(4) is another flat no from Cam.

And of course, Nona's three guardians.

This is followed by the Houses poem, once more, in full.(5) Then, a new poem. Without saying anything too specific, I'd just suggest coming back to this every once in a while in the book. Since hopefully you've already read the John prologue-introduction before reading my notes, you might have an idea of why this might continue to be important throughout. Still, in a surface-level interpretation, it's a poem from someone being asked to sleep a while and leave another person to their revenge quest. This may sound familiar. Alecto and John, of course.

You held aloft the sword. I still love y

Then, onward, into John 20:8(6) which I think it's fair to assume is John and... well, if the last line is right, Harrowhark.

In the dream, he told her the words about where he took his degrees, his postdoc, his research fellowship. They were his noise and not really for consumption. More like meditation; like even his mouth knew the pointlessness of it, and just wanted to recite. Dilworth. Otago. Auckland. Overseas to Corpus. (She likes the word corpus; it sounds nice and fat.) Then another year abroad, where he got the grant and met the men who would make things happen. Special pleading with the New Zealand government and Asia-Pacific Environmental, at his suggestion, then back to the facility outside Greytown. They mocked it up to look like a freezing works. We all thought that was funny, he said.

He said: We just wanted to save you. You were so sick.(7)

Early on, the team was just A- and M-.(8) M- as a medical professional, A- "because he was the glycerol-6 genius." He also handles the shareholders for John, who still hates meetings.

C-(9) was brought in by the executives of the funding, as oversight, but she was on their side within a year.

Until the last year, there was every sign that the funders would see the project through. John wanted to be sure no one of the eleven billion was left behind.(10) When the funders started constructing other ships, John was told it was nothing, just some exploratory stuff. He even loaned them G-(11) for his expertise. M- didn't like it, but John said she shouldn't get too paranoid. This is how everyone can get out, and the trillionaires will go where the real exit is.

When the funders call to say the project has been cancelled, M- reminds him of this statement.

The two are sitting on a beach, with a fire he made from driftwood. The ash still falls, and makes them sick for a little while.

Anything that hurt them only ever hurt them for a little while.

She's sitting next to a pile of meat, for when they get hungry, which always happens at the same time.(11)

John continues that the worst part is that M- and A- cried in each other's arms, they were so scared, and John couldn't do anything about it.

He and she sit in the quiet for a while.

She prompted: So what did you do? He said: A damned thing, didn’t I. She said: When is the part where you hurt me?(12) He said: Soon. It’s coming up. She said: I still love you. And in the dream he rubbed his temple with his thumb and said: “You always say that, Harrowhark.”(13)

=====

(1) Camilla, naturally. (2) A hymn from 1851. Expect a lot of this sort of name. (3) Funny that the Captain has no other given name, no song or poem fragment. Even We Suffer gets a partial name. Do we know a captain with no historical document linked name in the BOE? (Sort of… if you squint and think Judith might have gone over after we last saw her in HtN) This also might recontextualize Crown's name if you think about it. (4) "We Suffer and We Suffer", now that we have a little more of the name we first learned in As Yet Unsent to contextualize, is a quote from Agamemnon, a play by Aeschylus from about 458 BCE. In a slightly fuller context, it's a line about how it is impossible to know the future, we must suffer the present and learn what's to come when it's time for it to happen. How very fitting of such an enigmatic character so far. (5) I also feel it's worth noting, this time, how the Lyctors are split into a trinary. His Lyctors, his Saints, his Hands. We saw them use all three in HtN. (6) Positioning this as a Bible verse is pretty clever of Muir. Since she's shown a preference for the DRB translation, here's John 20:8 "Then that other disciple also went in, who came first to the sepulchre: and he saw, and believed." However, it's also important to note that the numbers on this chapter can correspond to letters: TH. I think the duality is important. If this is your first read, I do not recommend looking at the table of contents in the ebook until the end. I'll keep you up on what all these chapter numbers are indicating as we get to them, promise. (7) Save who? Harrowhark? He couldn't have known her back then. And why would a cryogenic facility save anyone? (8) Augustine and Mercymorn? They were the first two to serve, and Mercy does have medical aptitude as we know her later/in the present. Only, why would John be using initials for his friends? (9) From context, Cassiopeia, founder of the Sixth, would have had the book-smarts for this, and was the Fourth Saint which tracks with being brought in earlyish in whatever this project is, though none of this project tracks with what we were told of the origins of the Nine Houses. (10) G1deon? Likely, as again, Third Saint. (11) It's a dream, so you shouldn't need to get hungry, but dream logic can also depend on what you expect to happen. Simultaneous hunger suggests a deeper link between these two people though. (12) How did John hurt whoever he was trying to save? (13) And here, now, why would Harrow be in a dream with John, how could she have been the one he saved? Or is something odd about this dream, too...

[sam-glade]

Happy STS! Does your reading taste match your writing taste? Tell me about both!

Hi Lynn, happy STS💜

I'd say there's a huge overlap. I almost exclusively read speculative fiction nowadays, and write only SFF.

I'm a very fussy reader though, especially when it comes to traditionally published books, and I'll often put a book down halfway through e.g. because it's over-explaining things or because something about a character dynamic rubs me the wrong way, and I'm not enjoying it. And conversely, I strive to write books I'd enjoy reading. And re-reading.

However, there are certainly things outside the overlap. Let's imagine it as a Venn diagram.

In the middle, there would be inspiring, earnest adventures about people pushing themselves and finding their inner strength, with characters who are overall nice people and aren't too hateful or selfish. Most importantly, they don't hurt others for fun - I dislike cruel POV characters. The stories I like will have some banter and lighter moments, but will be far from cute and fluffy. (I know I keep bringing it up, but Sanderson's The Stormlight Archive might be the best example of the tone I mean.) The plot itself doesn't have to be that memorable, as long as I enjoy tagging along with the characters.

Also very much in the 'I like to read it, but I'll never write it' category - tragedies. I like bawling my eyes out while I consume the story, but when it comes to writing it myself, it becomes too depressing and taxing, having to go over the harrowing scenes over and over to polish them.

When it comes to reading, I like a consistent but very distinct voice (looking at Tamsyn Muir's The Locked Tomb and Seth Dickinson's Masquerade series). However, when it comes to writing something like that, I get self-conscious about being pretentious - though The Fulcrum is an attempt to get over it.

I'd like to write a clever heist or detective story, but right now I'm not confident I can pull it off. Until that day comes, I'll enjoy reading them.

On the other side, I will occasionally write fluffy and cute scenes, especially to cheer myself up after getting past a bleaker section of a story. Even if they won't make it to any manuscript, it's a treat. At the same time, I don't read much fluff anymore. On too many occasions I've found it either too saccharine or like the author was trying too hard but the characters themselves didn't commit to it.

And finally things that I neither read nor write include grimdark - I don't like all of the characters being awful people; I want to root for someone, not wish that everyone will fail. And also a lot of romance, and especially heteronormative romance.

And I'd like to take this opportunity to vent about it just a little. Sorry, this will get lengthy and slightly off topic.

When I was in school, I tried to be just a normal girl (heh) and fit in. That was around the time when Twilight became a thing, and yes I've read it, since my friends insisted, and I couldn't understand what the fuss was about. I then tried various typical romances, and none of them resonated with me. I couldn't get through Pride and Prejudice even, despite the gorgeous setting and so much more to it than the romance.

What I think was going on was: in straight romance that I was exposed to there was this assumption 'there's a boy and a girl, of course they'll fall for each other'. Sometimes it was well-disguised, sometimes only thinly veiled, but once I noticed it, I couldn't unsee it. Even if the characters themselves were described as someone I might find attractive, I rarely got a good idea of why their love interest finds them attractive. So many times the answer seemed to be 'why wouldn't they'. And because I wasn't on board with the characters' feelings and didn't have the rose tinted glasses on, very often I'd go 'wait no I wouldn't want any partner to do this to me' about things they did to each other.

In comparison, in almost all of the queer romantic plots and subplots I've read (note: it's still not many, and even fewer of these books were first and foremost a romance), there's a lot more subtext and more nuance. I don't know if it's queer authors feeling (subconsciously?) the need to justify why these two people are together, or having more awareness of what's healthy in a relationship, or falling back to the subtlety we're used to seeing in media, from when queer representation was barely a thing, but that's what I enjoy a lot more. Also, in queer romances, I often find the characters having many more individual traits described in creative ways. Traits that aren't considered typically attractive. And my impression is that there's less pressure on characters to fall in love in queer books, but when they do, they're more active and decisive about it. Even when the decision and the action is to deny it.

And to bring it back to your question and the comparison to writing. I've attempted to write a straight couple twice, and in both cases I wasn't convinced there was any chemistry between the characters - at least not in both directions.

Obviously I haven't read that much straight-up romance overall, so this isn't based on a huge sample, but it's still enough for me to decide it's something I'll pass on. At this point, I'm quite happy saying: I don't have to write it if I'm not enjoying it.

[puppy-phum]

8 Shows to Get to Know Me

thank you for tagging me josi @wanderlust-in-my-soul​​ ♥ am always happy to talk about shows that are important to me~

(tried to write these down in order from oldest to newest! meaning: when they came into my life and changed me)

I. Merlin (2008-2012)

one of the first shows i ever watched from a streaming site (aka illegally online haha), tho i did start watching it while it was airing on our tv. i adore the atmosphere, the world, the characters, and the whole journey throughout all five seasons. it feels whole. the fandom here is also amazing, even if i mostly watch it from afar ♥

II. Theory of Love (2019)

am not really sure when exactly i watched this for the first time, but i have vague memories of the last ep or the special ep only having just aired. it was one of my first introductions to bls - to good and more thoughtful bls - and i loved it with my whole chest. after rewatching it a year ago, i can still say it’s one of those shows that has rearranged something permanently in me. 

III. Sense8 (2015-2018)

the show that feels like it was made for me. it’s just so full of things i love: fantasy, mysteries, action, character bonds, found family, love, acceptance, understanding, and even psychological themes. i love each of the characters very dearly and enjoyed all of their relationships with each other. i also loved what this show did with intimacy, both the emotional and physical kind, by showing how it can be a source of great comfort. 

IV. The Untamed (2019)

my first ever cdrama that opened up a whole new world for me. it became one of my first ever big hyperfixations, one of my great loves. it let me dive into the world of other cdramas and so even more great shows. and it brought me to many new things and ppl here on tumblr after leading me into editing and so to the mdzs network ♥

V. The Lost Tomb 2 / Explore With The Note (2019)

i cannot really pack dmbj into only one show bc each of the adaptations has given me something to chew on, but tlt2 is always my baby. it is the show that made me love pingxie, the show that made me insane about their story, and the show i would die for. it gave me serious brainrot for such a long time, and even if it’s not the best one of the adaptations, it’s still very, very dear to me.

VI. You’re My Glory (2021) 

i never thought a romance show would get to me but this one did in so many ways. it taught me some precious lessons and i think it changed how i see accomplishments, dreams, and working hard to reach personal goals. it gave me hope and strength, and it just made me believe in love that is comfortable and adjusts to your needs. 

VII. Bad Buddy (2021)

the show that changed me about a year ago. the show that somehow opened up a lock inside of me, that allowed me to feel new things, that comforted me and understood me. idk if any bl can ever feel as much home as bb does. little did i know that when i started watching this silly bl during the christmas it was still airing, it would consume me, heart and soul, and then lead me here, wrapped up in this bl world. 

VIII. Vice Versa (2022)

if there’s one show to define me right now, to define me for the past year, it’s vice versa. it’s everything to me in every sense. it’s a show i go to when i want to cry, or smile, or feel warm, or happy, or sad, or delighted, or comforted, or loved. it’s a show that feels like a hug, a show that heals me in all the ways i need to be healed. it means so much to me. and it doesn’t hurt that it’s still one of the most beautiful bls i’ve ever seen ♥ (i could write essays of vv, tho at the same time it feels like the jane austen quote, “if i loved you less, i might be able to talk about it more”)

some honorary mentions: 

The Long Ballad (2021), Not Me (2021), My Country: The New Age (2019), The Blood of Youth (2022), and 3 Will Be Free (2019)

tagging: @leonpob​ @stormyoceans​ @dimpledpran​ @hils79​ @psychic-waffles​ @ardentlytess​ @oswlld​ @sanoreo​ ♥

[ourmotherthemountainfic]

2. Visitors

RE8 | Wintersberg | Romance | Action, Sci-Fi

This is the third book in the series. Book One | Book Two

Full Chapter List

Ethan’s Journal

September 30

Donna’s doing better today.  She had trouble seeing and walking after whatever the hell Karl and Moreau did to her.  I wish they would have just let me handle it.  Still, she’s recovering, and Evie’s been doting on her so it’s okay I guess.  After the surgery Karl came up to smoke and his hands were shaking.  Never seen that before.  I’m not going to let them do that to Salvatore, there’s no point.  I’ll just sneak up from behind him and take it out…I’m just biding my time until I show them that I can actually do it.  I also plan to check on Donna myself soon, just to make sure there's no lasting damage.  (I don't know how to do that, but the thing in my head tells me not to worry about it-it can be done.)

Karl is still mad at me and hasn’t talked much this week since I brought up the fact that his brother gave his one chance at preserving his own life to MIRANDA.  I’m still mad about it, so he can stay quiet for all I care.  He’s been in his own room every night, probably obsessing over that stupid key, or some other mechanical thing.  I think he likes them because they don’t talk back.  So he has nobody to challenge his thoughts.  

We buried Colm’s crystallized body last night….well, our group minus Donna, because she wasn’t able to walk that day.  Godric said ‘somewhere beautiful’, and I figured he’d want to be far away from the castle, since he was imprisoned there.  We chose a spot by the waterfall.  Close to where we had Eva’s ceremony.  Water is supposed to make the Mold’s powers stronger. Plus….can’t see the castle from there.  It probably doesn’t matter since he’s hundreds of years dead, but you never know around here.  I thought maybe he would get absorbed and appear  or something “magic” would happen, but nothing did.  I really hope there’s some way for him to be reunited with the King.  

Guess what?  No fucking purifying crystal in his tomb.  Because OF COURSE nothing is ever that easy around here.  I was so mad.  The Black God was madder.  Now we have no other leads on where it might be.  I’m not sure it’s necessary to defeat Miranda, but things would be really bad if she found it before us.  And she’s really trying.  

Eva was really intrigued by the crystal on the tomb crest though.  It’s one of the original crystals in the ancient root (she was shocked I knew that) So we have that one now, but none of us can touch it.  Karl had to pry it out and it made his nose drip with black fluid. He put it in a magnetized box and carried that, but it still hurt him somehow. He said energy was moving through the magnetic field.   That thing is more dangerous than the explosives Chris brought.  It’s in a locked safe in our basement.   

Alcina came with us to the castle when we unearthed the underground chamber, but she didn’t stay after.  She more or less locked herself in the castle.  I told the others about her plan and they were really upset.  Well, Karl wasn’t upset…he was quiet.  I think Donna and Moreau have been brainwashed by Miranda into thinking their lives are only worthwhile if the Lords are all together.  

I don’t know if they think she’ll go through with it.  They weren’t there when she talked to Godric…I can feel it….she wants this.  I honestly don’t think Alcina cares about saving the mold or any of us, and that might not happen anyway–she just seems lonely.  I told her I would stop by tonight after the girls are in bed and see how she’s feeling.  I’ll invite Eva with me, she’s always better at talking than I am.  

Moreau moved back to his cabin, which is now finished.  There are several other buildings getting built down there too.  They even have electricity.  He and Karl have been working like crazy…he says it’s because government workers are supposed to start the sluice in a few weeks.  I just feel like everybody is still avoiding me, because they are.  I don’t care. 

If I squint when looking into the valley it almost looks like a shadow of a village.  Roofs, and smoke, and a road, and some fencing.  It should make me feel better-Chris said to blend in, after all- but it doesn’t….I hate looking at it.  I feel like Miranda is lurking just under the ground like some kind of Billy Goats gruff troll, waiting to pop up and ruin everything.  

—--------

Ethan’s pencil hovered over the sketch; his phone buzzed, and he turned it over.  A text from Chris.  

Convoy headed your way.  

The blond frowned, and he responded, Who ? 

Donno.  The picture I got just looked like wagons.  From the east mountains. 

Oh, that’s where the Roma village is.  Wait, you have eyes on me? 

Not on you, on anything suspicious with the mold.  

They’re not suspicious.  You’re suspicious. 

Fine, next time I’ll just let you be surprised.  

Ethan smirked and tucked the phone in his pocket.  He stared out at the stormy afternoon sky; even cloud-covered days were difficult for his eyes.  He wondered how Miranda dealt with this, if she’d gone through similar.  Or even Godric.  He left the journal sitting open on his desk as he left the office, and headed downstairs.  

The girls were in the parlor, with Donna laying on the couch.  The children were on the floor playing with toys–was that a dollhouse? Ethan shuddered imperceptibly as he moved past it, hearing the familiar rumble of Karl’s voice in the front yard.  When he exited, he saw the engineer and his ‘sibling’ loading some of the recently shipped parts into Karl’s truck.  Ever since the bank moved funds for the construction effort, more and more supplies arrived, delivered to the property’s address.  

Karl’s eyes only flickered toward Ethan for a moment before he resumed his conversation with Moreau, and the tall blond put his hands in his jean pockets as he approached the pair.  Salvatore may have been a doofus, but even he recognized the strain between the two men, and his watery eyes jumped cautiously between them before he backed away.  He stuttered about forgetting something in one of the work sheds that sloped away from the tall home.  

Karl made an annoyed noise as if he were disappointed that the other gave up so easily.  But then he turned right back to his work, inspecting a large stack of PVC pipe.  Ethan was undaunted by Heisenberg’s clear lack of desire to talk.  

“Why are the Roma coming?”

“What?”  This was not the banter Karl expected.  His suddenly piercing stare was something Ethan didn’t even realize he missed; his heart picked up, and then he saw the hardness in Karl’s eyes soften.  Karl’s gaze changed from confrontational to something else….adoration?  Right, the bastard could sense heartbeats.  Ethan was utterly flustered and he turned bright pink, winning a lopsided smile from the engineer.  

Ethan tried to recover after the fumble.  “There’s a convoy of carriages, apparently, from the East.” 

“How d’you know?”

After a tense moment, in which Ethan kicked at the gravel, he mumbled, “Chris told me,” before he dared to look at Heisenberg again.  He saw the other’s fixated gaze, almost a hungry look, aimed at Ethan’s lips.  When Ethan caught this, Heisenberg squinted as if angry, and then turned toward the lumber pile instead.  “Uh huh.” 

“I didn’t ask him to spy,” Ethan hissed, instantly defensive, as Karl picked up an armful of lumber and began to move it into the bed of the truck.  “But if you didn’t know about it….has Eva said anything?”

“No,” Karl said in a clipped tone, returning to the pile, dusting his gloves as he moved.  “It’ll be fine, Ethan.” 

“I…” Ethan was bewildered.  “I know it’ll be fine.  I’m not worried about it.  I just wondered why they were coming.” 

At Karl’s aimless shrug, the blond’s temper threatened to break.  He pursed his lips.  “You’re being an asshole.” 

“Probably.” 

“Care to enlighten me as to why?”

“Just tryin’ to avoid a fuckin’ interrogation, that’s all,” Karl responded in twice as bitchy of a tone as the original question.  He moved back toward the truck, arms full of more two by fours.  “Apparently I’m not succeeding.” 

“Forgive me for having your best interests in mind, for wanting to make sure I understand a situation I know nothing about, since the guy supposed to be telling me about his life has fifty year gaps between stories, speaks two words every twelve hours, and would rather be alone and hang out with ghosts than….” 

There were a few problems with Ethan’s rant.  The first was that he realized, more or less, any of them could be considered ghosts, himself included.  The second was that Ethan had been referring to Karl’s brother, but he remembered the figure in the garden, and instantly felt regret at his words.  

The third problem was Karl’s expression; instead of the usual headstrong, stubborn anger, the engineer’s scarred face was painted with hurt-a new look, and not one Ethan had ever wanted to see.  He swore the yellow irises lost their luster for a moment as Karl panned his gaze away from Ethan, turning on a heel toward the same work shed that Salvatore was probably huddled in.  

Ethan let him go without further protest, and shook his head at his own temper after several moments.  

Way to keep it together, Ethan .  That was his own voice.  

As he re-entered the home, he heard the different, softer voice, whispering at the edges of the back of his mind.  It sounded confused, and perhaps affronted at the deep sorrow that Ethan transmitted to it unintentionally. 

Should we….eat him? 

Ethan responded aloud, drawing a strange look from Donna.  “Nah…too gamey.” 

—---

Eva hadn’t heard anything about a visit, but she was delighted.  Ethan felt so out of place after his outburst that he stood in the kitchen, doing whatever she asked him to.  Eva was undaunted at the idea of preparing food for an unplanned group.  He felt like more of a menace than a help, despite her patience, and was relieved when he heard a horse whinny from the road that wrapped around the east side of the manor, away from the village overlook and the factory remains. 

“Come on, girls,” Ethan said thankfully, “Let’s go say hello to our guests.”  

“Why are there guests?” Evie said, puzzled, and Ethan answered honestly, “I have no idea.” 

Rose hopped up, and immediately pulled Ethan’s hand in her own tiny one.  She was talking excitedly, though he couldn’t catch most of the words.  Together the trio exited the home and stood in the large front area, awaiting the caravan.  It wasn’t long before several carriages lined up in the wide stretch of dirt and gravel, and Ethan stared past them in confusion at –

“Horsies!”  Rose exclaimed.  “Dada, tell Papa.” 

“What?”  Ethan picked the toddler up, in case she decided on a kamikaze sprint toward the row of approaching wagons.  She bounced on his hip, babbling about horses again.  Evie tilted her dark head, her waves cascading across her oval face.  “Why are there extra horses? Nobody’s riding the ones in the back.” 

“No clue,” Ethan repeated, and he stepped aside as Karl sauntered out toward the convoy, waving amiably at the drivers, some of whom Ethan recognized from the night of Eva’s ceremony.  His heart sank a little when he remembered how well he and Karl were getting along then compared to now, but he was soon distracted by Rose again. 

“Papa!”

Not only was she reaching out toward Heisenberg, but the engineer turned abruptly at the word, looking slightly stunned at it.  Ethan’s eyes widened and Karl turned fully toward him, holding his hands out uncertainly toward Rose.  Ethan had no reason not to hand the girl to him, and as he did so, she informed Karl, “Papa, horses!” 

Both men were rendered speechless, but Eveline was not, as she said rather matter-of-factly, “Ohhhh, I get it!   You’re Dad and you’re Papa, that makes knowing which is which waaaay easier.”  She stared past Ethan at the engineer.  “Should I call you Papa too?  But you can’t be our Papa, you two are not married.  Are you going to get married?  Do you have rings?  Are you not going to get married since you’re mad at each other right now?” 

“Okaaaay, Evie, let’s maybe-talk-aboutall-thislater,” Ethan sputtered, his cheeks flaming, and put his hands on the girl’s shoulders.  She stared in confusion while Rose continued to excitedly shout about horses.  The wagons were parked along the end of the driveway, and some people were beginning to exit them.  Karl held Rose on his hip, engrossed in what she was telling him.  

Luckily Ethan didn’t have to wrestle with all of his emotions for long, as Maricara was approaching, a wide smile on her face.  She walked with assistance from one of her sons, and a cane.  When she got to Ethan, she embraced him in the warm way she’d formerly reserved for Karl.  After the greeting, she chuckled, “I suppose this is very unexpected–”

“More or less–”

A man approached.  Ethan recognized him-he’d been at the village mass funeral, as well as led the carriages for Eva’s ceremony.  Manfri.  His English was very broken, but he was friendly enough, and heartily shook Ethan’s hand–so hard the blond’s teeth chattered in his skull.  

“Mister Winters,” he said formally, and even more formally, “My Lord Heisenberg.”  

“Manfri has a surgery scheduled in a month,” Maricara explained.  “It’s his hip.  His son is out of the country for work, and he worries about these–”

“Horses better to overwinter here,” he said proudly, as if he’d rehearsed every word.  Eva approached the group from behind as Manfri continued to explain, “You have stables!  They come home.”

“O-over winter–here?” Karl’s eyes were wide.  “I…didn’t, I haven’t…”

Maricara was having none of it.  “Did you not spend the entire month of July repairing the main stables?  What were you planning to store there, more trucks?  Tanks?  Keeping your goat company with metal structures?”

Probably , Ethan thought with a satisfied smirk as he met Karl’s eyes.  Karl looked troubled, overwhelmed.  “But–I–there’s no hay–”

Donna had been walking slowly behind Eva, also utilizing a cane, and Maricara stepped forward to hug both women, tutting at Donna’s delicate state, before she withdrew and chuffed at Heisenberg’s hesitance. 

“Nonsense, it’s harvest time, and we have many strong young ones.”  Her careless arm waving made Ethan wonder if she was somehow related to Karl after all. “These youth have been begging to come, truly.”  She poked a finger at Ethan with a wink.  “Your talk of helping them with computers, for one.  For other, they wish to make a settlement down there.  By the river.  You know, they are not afraid, they have no regard for tradition.  Only want to be here.” 

“They do?”

She waved a hand as if this was the most obvious thing  in the world.  “They think it is strange and different, your world.  Ceremony made quite the impression.  All I hear about is fairytale this, magic that, they wish to stay…so I told them for permission, first they must help set up the horses.  Help with stabling and overwintering, what you need.” 

Manfri was nodding, and he gestured toward the row of horses behind them.  “They miss their Papa, you know?” 

Ethan was unsure how to accept the news of being given ownership of horses apparently descended from Heisenberg stock.  But when he turned his gaze from the horses to Heisenberg, who was quickly running out of excuses to say no, the expression on the engineer’s face said it all.  Ethan’s hardened heart melted as he saw the way that Heisenberg gazed toward the animals.  Without a word Heisenberg broke away from the group, still carrying Rose, and strode toward the horses, heading first toward the black draught horse that he’d ridden several times.  

In the dimming light, Ethan watched as Karl ran his palm down the animal’s neck, and actually put his forehead on its mane, a gesture that it returned by turning its head, pushing forward with its nose as if to embrace him.  Rose laid her curly head onto the wide, smooth neck as well, patting it with her hand in an imitation of Karl’s motion.  The other horses were restless, stomping and chuffing as if they too wanted recognition.  Ethan counted seven in total–SEVEN horses.  He’d been overwhelmed with just one goat.  

Then again, he’d also been overwhelmed with one daughter.  And he’d gained an entire family since then.  When Heisenberg turned back toward them, his questioning expression was clear.  He wanted them.  But he was deferring to Ethan.  

Ethan only had one question–the sight of bloody, decapitated, sometimes half-eaten horses was only one bad night’s sleep away, after all.  

“Will they be safe here?”

Donna’s voice was more steady than he’d heard in awhile.  “The stable is wonderfully sturdy, it was rebuilt well.” 

Manfri chipped in, “All our boys have guns.  Ready to shoot wolves….” his grin turned into a grimace, “...or ….other….  They will protect.” 

“The stables are on this property, where there doesn’t seem to be as much of a reach…,” Eva offered, her blond eyebrows raising.  “She cannot cause things to manifest closely to the edge of that border….you now know why.”  She was referring to the garden.  

Evie was bouncing on the balls of her feet, each word more loud than the last.  Maricara chuckled as she witnessed this.  “Can we can we can we oh please can we? HORSES, are you kidding me?  I would be just like a fairytale princess PLEASE CAN WE.” 

Rose agreed with this.  “HORSIES! PAPA, DADA–LOOK! LOOK! HORSIES!” 

The commotion quickly wore Ethan down; Eva was bouncing on her toes as well, Donna’s large brown eyes stared at him, full of hopefulness.  Karl was still stroking the neck of the draught horse.  

After laughing, Ethan shrugged.  “All right! How can I say no?”

Manfri beamed, and began to walk in his odd, stooped way past the group and toward the stable.  He called to the young handlers in Romany, motioning them all forward. He happily moved across the front area and toward the trail to the stables, as though he’d lived at the manor his entire life.  

Ethan watched him go with a continued smile; everyone else was happy, and Evie bolted to walk next to Manfri, pelting him with questions he didn’t know enough English to answer.  Ethan was pulled away by Maricara as she explained the dinner she’d brought, and as Eva began counter-explaining that they were also cooking, the tall blond caught one last look over his shoulder at Karl.  

This time, the new expression on his face was infatuation, a heady, overwhelmed look of gratitude and wonder.  It made him look decades younger.  

[princessshikky]

10 Fandoms, 10 Characters, 10 Tags

@squirrelwithatophat tagged me, and I'm just going to pretend I'm fashionably late to the party or something.

As far as I understand, you just name 10 of your favorite characters from 10 fandoms? Is that it? Also, I'm not going to rank them, it's not a "top 10", they're all my favorites.

Chi Xiaochi, "Don't pick up boyfriends from the trash bin"

One of the best protagonists ever, and here's why: he's extremely ruthless, calculating and manipulative, cruel and vindictive... but he's not a villain protagonists, he actually has a solid moral compass and a strict code of ethics. He's never needlessly cruel, and while he may initially come off as a jerk because of his cynicism and a devil-may-care attitude, Chi Xiaochi is actually a very kind and caring person. But when he's dealing with his "targets", who are awful, horrible, no-good scum-of-the-earth, CXC is absolutely the scheming bastard. And it's glorious. Also extremely rare in a protagonist, which makes CXC stand out.

Oh, and he's very proactive, which can't hurt. Love me a proactive protagonist.

2. Wen Ning, "Grandmaster of Demonic Cultivation"

A sweet, gentle zombie whose superpower is turning into a roaring berserker when he feels like it. Also he's extremely loyal, nice to people, and he once made a grown-up man cry just by talking.

3. Anders, "Dragon Age 2"

Anders is my favourite Bioware character, period. He's the person who spent years being brainwashed by a corrupt theocracy, defied them at every turn, risked his life to provide free medical care to refugees, then went out of his way to try and start a revolution against said corrupt theocracy. And it was awesome. Honestly, the chantry boom on its own would've been enough to make me love Anders even if he were a homicidal maniac, but he's also very caring, brave and devoted person. And gorgeous. And passionate. And is the real hero of "DA2", because while Hawke just runs around and does crime, Anders is there peacefully (and not-so-peacefully) protesting against the people who would execute him for his mere existence.

4. Luffy, "One Piece"

Again: love me a proactive protagonist who does stuff and moves the plot instead of waiting for stuff to happen to him. And Luffy's awesome.

5. Sir Lancelot of the Arthurian Legend

I love almost every iteration of sir Lancelot (let's just all pretend "The mists of Avalon" don't exist, ok?). He's perfect. Nothing else to say.

6. Ned Stark, "A Song of Ice and Fire"

Ned is a fundamentally good person, which makes him an awful politician and costs him in the long run... but you know what else that makes him? A perfect husband/father material.

7. Iskander, "Fate/Zero"

A charisma that literally moved armies. The only person to weaponise the power of friendship. Also Iskander is surprisingly smart, and a lot of his seemingly stupid and rash decisions are well thought-out, once you stop to think about them.

8. John Gaius, "The Locked Tomb"

The Evil Overlord done right. Like, he's extremely obviously evil, he's literally a necromancer waging war against humanity, and yet I can totally believe people are standing in line to join his army. Hell, I'd stand in line to join his army! John Gaius is what you get when someone reads "200 things I'd do if I became an evil overlord" and says "Hey, that sounds perfectly reasonable, I'm doing that".

9. Alexander Tiedermann, "Dark"

Perhaps one of the healthiest, sanest, nicest characters in the whole show. I also love how he's initially presented as a cold, uncaring mogul only to be later shown as a loyal and caring husband and father and a decent human being overall. Considering how most of the cast are awful people, Alexander was a breath of fresh air every time he was on screen.

10. Hob Gadling, "The Sandman"

I just like his story arc. The immortal human who never gives up on humanity, who never loses hope, who loves this life and this world, whose endless optimism and perseverance impresses even the beings who stand above gods. Neat.

[doumekiss]

I posted 12,927 times in 2022

That's 77 more posts than 2021!

165 posts created (1%)

12,762 posts reblogged (99%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@aomitois

@firstaudrina

@transfemtunachan

@guiltybystanders

@lilybarthes

I tagged 10,218 of my posts in 2022

Only 21% of my posts had no tags

#orv - 1,279 posts

#dungeon meshi - 424 posts

#art - 418 posts

#witch hat atelier - 273 posts

#videos - 268 posts

#wrestling - 265 posts

#aew - 254 posts

#the untamed - 237 posts

#the locked tomb - 205 posts

#interview with the vampire - 196 posts

Longest Tag: 139 characters

#btw if someone it’s inspired by this concept feel free to write and then tell me about it i don’t think i’ll have the time to do it and eve

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

See the full post

139 notes - Posted July 23, 2022

#4

Can I just say how much I love that Sakura/Syaoran, arguably one of the most iconic clamp couples started with them both having a crush on the same guy?

More F/M couples should follow this format tbh

176 notes - Posted November 23, 2022

#3

Dungeon Meshi - Chapter 17

213 notes - Posted May 22, 2022

#2

something I find kind of funny about kim dokja as a protagonist is that even though all these different characters get incredibly attached to him as the plot goes on, only one character seems to develop romantic feelings for him, but the thing is that there is multiple versions of the guy and they are all very jealous and not at all keen on sharing, so in some ways kim dokja has the typical protagonist harem of love interests, but the harem is formed of just many versions of the same guy fighting each other over him while at the same time refusing to admit they even have a crush because all joonghyuks are huge tsunderes

302 notes - Posted July 6, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

I know many people already made posts about this but Kim Dokja’s ability to find a no homo explanation for every gay thing Yoo Joonghyuk does is really astounding. 

*YJH goes berserk after he thinks KDJ died and calls him his companion* 

KDJ : “He’s doing it for coin donations. He is so smart finding a way to milk this situation for his benefit :)”

.

*YJH goes to talk with KDJ and thinks he sees KDJ about to kiss a woman so goes away without saying anything and spends the rest of the night being visibly angry and hurt* 

KDJ : “He just doesn’t like when people of the party hook up because he thinks their focus should be only on the mission. It’s all about work ethics :)”

.

*YJH holds KDJ in his arms saying his name again and again as he dies after finding out that the prophecy Kim Dokja will be killed by the one he loves the most was about him all along* 

KDJ : “He is just upset because I ruined his plan of sacrificing himself lol get over it YJH self sacrifice is my thing not yours :)”

.

♔  King of Denial ♔

1,490 notes - Posted April 11, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[oceangenasi]

I posted 5,529 times in 2022

17 posts created (0%)

5,512 posts reblogged (100%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@shana-rosee

@givelizardsswords

@vethbrenatto

@aeonthedimensionalgirl

@vaspider

I tagged 5,033 of my posts in 2022

Only 9% of my posts had no tags

#bbc merlin - 613 posts

#q - 476 posts

#locked tomb - 344 posts

#crit role - 309 posts

#kenobi series - 278 posts

#ofmd - 249 posts

#kenobi spoilers - 207 posts

#cats - 150 posts

#wwdits - 144 posts

#campaign inspo - 138 posts

Longest Tag: 132 characters

#i’m 2% mad that the first lyric is missing a word but that’s bc i’m a cranky bastard who obsesses over lyrics to an unhealthy degree

My Top Posts in 2022 below the cut lol

#5

I started thinking about this on Twitter and had to elaborate: People are interpreting the "you didn't kill Anakin Skywalker" line as Anakin seeing Obi-Wan sad and summoning a shred of his former self to absolve Obi-Wan of guilt. But while that was its EFFECT, I don’t think that was Anakin’s INTENTION. I think he was still trying to hurt Obi-Wan.

Anakin can’t STAND the pity and regret -- it makes him furious. It reminds him of how far he’s fallen and what he’s become. In claiming responsibility for his own corruption, he's trying to hammer home that he isn't a traumatized young adult who was trapped by the trauma of a global war and manipulated by one of the only people who showed they cared about him -- even if he absolutely is that person. But he's TRYING to be his evilest version of himself, to say that he's a monster and he made himself that way and he WANTS to be one.

He’s lashing out in an attempt to reject Obi-Wan's compassion -- that last bit of his past, his "feelings" for his former master -- and, by accident, stumbling into exactly what Obi-Wan needed to hear.

22 notes - Posted June 23, 2022

#4

you'll wish she didn't!

For science, I collected what each of the Houses hears when Gideon speaks to them for the first time.

Seventh: "Yo. Step off." (when Cytherea faints)

Sixth: "Then get off your ass and help me."

Fifth: never got to hear her talk :(

Fourth: thee line of all time, which is to say, "Did you know that if you put the first three letters of your last name with the first three letters of your first name, you get 'Sex Pal'?"

Eighth: "They had names, you lily-livered, tooth-coloured asshole, and if you want to make a thing about it, I warn you that I'm in the kind of mood that can only be alleviated by walloping you."

Corona: "No. I thought their arms would all flop around." (in response to Corona asking if she's seen a necro hold a sword before)

Ianthe/Babs, probably also the Second: "Why?" (after they gather to confront Cyth about Pro's head)

24 notes - Posted October 17, 2022

#3

is anyone else here talking about the foil/parallel of a vampire who's supposedly being manipulated by his familiar and the familiar just believes he's taking care of his master bc idk that also gave me Nandermo Foreshadowing Vibes

26 notes - Posted July 20, 2022

#2

the fact that the Nandermo tag on ao3 is already listing several new E-rated fics and they are very literally canon-compliant.... I cannot even

39 notes - Posted July 20, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

The symbolism of Obi being weak and out of practice but being saved through the kindness of others while Vader is strong but alone in every way that matters

85 notes - Posted June 1, 2022

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