#thinking about how my kid deserves better and that always gets me really worked up!Cuz I’m v passionate and rage fueled tbh I would | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

jodilin65 · 11 years ago

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THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 28, 2013 Time to finish up about yesterday as I await the results of yesterday’s eye tests. Tom has the phone the doctor will call him on at work, so Tom will email me once he hears from him. I did have eye dreams last night, but can’t remember them. That must be a good thing since we usually remember our bad dreams.

I also had more dreams discussing moving. Hope this means we’re getting close, but I don’t think so. We did check out a couple of parks here in town, including the one with that newer house. We don’t want it. It’s not in as good of a location within the park as we first thought. It’s right by the main entrance, and the greenbelt between it and next door does belong to next door. They have a garden and a little hangout there with tables and chairs. I don’t want this just a few feet from our windows. We can do better than this. We could tell it was theirs cuz there’s a hose on it that goes to their place. The park itself was just okay, but the other park was a little better than just okay. The roads were wider and the houses weren’t all right on the streets. A few were quite close but there was more gravel than grass there which would be better cuz then you hear fewer mowers. That was the only thing I didn’t like about our favorite park; very grassy. Lots of cars there too, though we didn’t see any driveways with 3 cars in either of the two parks we saw. Either way, my dreams, if they can still be trusted, say we’re not staying in Auburn.

There was an accident sort of in front of us after we checked out the parks. “This’ll be ugly,” Tom said, a split second before I heard a slight pop, then turned to see some idiot had taken an illegal left turn and bumped fenders with another guy. The traffic kept moving despite the bent fenders, broken headlights, and steam emitting from one of the car’s hoods since they were able to pull to the side.

We came home after test 2 of 3 because we knew it wouldn’t take us 5 hours to check out the parks. Just in time for the Jes pest buzzing around on the ATV doing whatever the current project is that it’s doing. I’m surprised I only heard him once today when he revved his truck, but I’ve had music playing most of the day. I did hear a few minutes of barking, but that’s been it so far.

After we left the parks we had a half-hour to kill, so we went to a drug store where we both got some candy and I got One Pearl Fits All Whisper lipstick by Maybelline. I’d seen it advertised online and thought it may be cool to try. It should be renamed as Invisible since I can barely see it. Shoulda got Mad for Magenta.

Meanwhile, Nancy’s never going to get back online, Molly’s always 161 pounds no matter how much weight she claims to have lost, and Dorene hasn’t harassed me. Could take a week or two before she does, if she’s going to do so.

Later…

Some people really do get it all in life. Anything they want, just snap their fingers, pray to God, wish upon a star, and voila! It’s theirs. Some people get everything, some people get some things, and some people don’t get shit, and I really, really wonder why. Tom thinks it’s totally random, but I’m not so sure about that. Why do I feel like I’m one of the ones being singled out and picked on so much of the time if that were true?

The person I’m referring to is Kathy. The only thing that’s different in this case is that she’s a good person getting good things, things she deserves. It’s a refreshing break after seeing so many assholes succeed and so many good people fail. I don’t know every single thing about her, but she truly does seem to have it all – a great husband who she loves the hell out of and who seems to love her just as much, a decent home, even if she may rent it, a decent job, and now she’s having the baby she’s been dying for for months. She was starting to fear that she’d never be able to have kids. Well, not only do our fears have a way of manifesting themselves at times, but she’s just the type of person God would deny a child to. How many crackheads or abusers do you know that claim they can’t have kids? Yet she just learned she’s pregnant and is saying how “awesome” God is.

If He’s so “awesome,” then what about all those women who also prayed just to be ignored and denied a child? I was once one of them. Remember? I’m happy as hell for her and I believe both she and her husband will make great parents, but there’s a bit of sadness that’s come over me, remembering how I so hopelessly prayed to a God who didn’t give a shit what I wanted. I’m glad things turned out the way they did but I still feel a touch of anger when I remember the emotional baggage I carried for what seemed like way too many years. Oh, the things God has denied me! What are the odds of being born with the kind of birth defect I have AND this type of rare sleep disorder AND denied true lust AND a husband who can’t perform AND a light sleeper unable to sleep with her husband AND given a driving phobia AND denied a child AND later the right to even have sex in the first place unless I did it with someone that I love but don’t lust and that loves but doesn’t lust me? Come on, if that’s not being singled out and shit on, what is? And this is excluding the abusive family and letting a pack of hating blacks and their corrupt pig pal legally beat me down for years. I won’t even get into the poverty and noise curse issues. Oh! And didn’t I once want to be a singer and have that denied me as well? Let’s not forget that one, too.

Well, let’s just hope for Kathy’s sake that God doesn’t cause her to miscarry one kid after another cuz she’s also the classic candidate for that, too. If she manages to have this kid, then wow. She has got to be the luckiest and most loved person on God’s list. I can’t think of anything else this girl wants that she can’t have. Her only flaw that I can see is that she’s obese. Well, getting pregnant isn’t going to help that, but afterward, she’s still young enough that she should be able to get the weight off without practically starving, and keep it off for a decade or so before it gets to be a problem again that’s much harder to control. I’m never going to get my own weight off, that’s for sure, because I simply can’t live on 800 calories a day. I don’t even bother counting calories anymore. Why try to fight the inevitable?

Meanwhile, I’ll never be spoiled by God like Kathy has, nor do I ever expect or want to be. I just wish He’d let us find the ideal home where we could both live in peace. That’s all I want on top of basic health, happiness and security.

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 27, 2013 I think I’ll do an entry before I get even more tired. I’m a little tired because I didn’t sleep 8 hours last night and kept waking up along the way. I’m just glad I didn’t have any nightmares. I hate it when I know I had tons of dreams and when I make a mental note to remember one I awoke from just to not be able to remember a damn thing when I get up. Something about hotels, apartments, and an old house. Better than dreams about going blind.

Ended up taking an unexpected Midol nap yesterday so that’s part of why I was up past midnight. I took the Midol for period cramps (what is it with this heavy bleeding lately?) and it made me as drowsy as Benadryl does. I said to myself, I’ll just go lie down for a few minutes. I felt so heavy once I hit the bed and then a few minutes became a few hours.

I’ve had 2 of my 3 rounds of eye pressure checks today. One more air blast to go, then hopefully I won’t have to return for several months! I may not know what the readings are today, though, cuz the doctor is out sick. Some other doctor is covering for him, but the secretary said she can’t stay the whole day. So I guess he’ll have to call tomorrow. Got a feeling the pressure isn’t down, but hopefully I’ll be wrong, and hopefully I’ll be that 4 out of every 5 people that have OH just because. They understand that 1 in 5 with OH develop glaucoma, but they don’t yet understand why some of us have OH for seemingly no reason at all. I just hope I’m one of the no reasons.

Grabbed a pink chain for my bifocals at the eye doctor so I can take my glasses off in the car but not have to put them in my purse and fish around for them later.

We grabbed a few hundred in cash, then it was off to shop after my first blast of air at 8:30. First, we went to Target. While he searched for a belt with no metal, so he doesn’t have to keep taking his belt off to go through the metal detectors at work, I went in search of a favorite brand of panties. I figured that since I decided my favorite bra is the C9 Champion sports bra, now I should favorite the lower part of me as well. I settled on a couple of pairs of Gilligan O’Malley undies, and after my shower later on, we’ll see if they fit as well as I think they will. I got a size small in black and one with a floral print, too.

I thought of Andy and laughed since he hates flowers. Not as much as he’d hate our new car stereo. It is sooo cool! The dial slowly cycles through a rainbow of colors. It does quite a bit for $100. It has a USB port, Bluetooth and more. We didn’t get new speakers since ours are adequate enough. The car stereo that came with the car broke so that’s why we got a new one. Might even get a new car soon, but instead of selling this one, we’d keep it as a backup.

Also at Target, I got 4 fuchsia fast-dry bath towels that were on sale for $4 a piece to replace the absolutely shitty towels we’ve got now that are the absolute worst we ever had. I don’t know the brand, but oh the lint they drop! There’s pink and purple fuzz all over the walls, and I don’t see how they haven’t fully disintegrated by now. Not sure I want to use the new towels here or not.

I looked at wedge sandals but all the heels on the ones I saw were either too low or too high.

Then it was off to KFC where he got the usual barbecued chicken sandwich, and I got a 2-piece chicken meal with potato wedges and mac-n-cheese. I couldn’t eat it all so Tom finished it off for me. Their chocolate chip cookies rock. Very chocolatey.

Next up was K-Mart, since Tom didn’t find a belt with a plastic clasp at Target. There I got a variety pack of lotion on sale – white chocolate, chocolate mint, vanilla frost, red velvet, warm vanilla, sugar candy and cotton candy.

It’s getting kind of close to when we have to take off again, so I’ll finish with the shopping and all that later.

Later…

Okay, now I can finish up our long, but fun day. As I said before, I had the first eye pressure test at 8:30, then we went to Target, K-Mart, Radio Shack and Best Buy. We didn’t get anything at Radio Shack. We only went to see if they had a holder for Kindles that we could hook to our headboard shelf so I could read in bed hands-free. The thing is kind of heavy for these little hands of mine. They didn’t have one, though, and neither did Best Buy (where we got the car stereo), so we ordered the holder, plus the belt he wanted, online.

We made two more stops before my second test. We went to the pet store and got the rats a new pink transparent plastic burrow, which will be easier to clean than the old, smelly wooden one, which I have donated to the wildlife. I placed it down toward the back of the property.

We also got them a hanging stack of colored wood chews with a little bell on the bottom. I almost got them a soft fuzzy hammock but didn’t think they’d really use it.

On the way into the Goodwill I said to Tom, “Watch, now that I just ordered incense, they’ll have tons of it.” And they did. I got opium, rainforest, china rain, obsession, cool water and vanilla.

I also got a cute magenta-colored teddy bear with a white ribbon around its neck, and yes, I know I’m 47, and no, I don’t care if you think I’m utterly insane. It was a cutie! It sits on the bed and looks adorable.

Then I got a 4-pack of body mists – pumpkin brulee, spiced cider, choco latte and peppermint twist. Yes, I am obsessed with smells. I must’ve tried on at least half a dozen perfume testers in the various stores.

After my second test, we went home. I’m getting kind of tired since it’s been a long day and I’ve been up since 6am, so I’ll finish the day tomorrow.

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 26, 2013 Tomorrow’s my eye appointment. Here’s to hoping the pressure is down! The reason for doing 3 pressure tests throughout the day is to see how much it fluctuates. Glaucoma is more likely the more it fluctuates, so hopefully there won’t be any big swings, and hopefully he won’t recommend eye drops. If he thinks I need them, then he thinks I’m at risk. The more risk he thinks there is, the more he’ll want to take preventative measures.

I was whining to Tom about how long the move is taking, then we were both laughing when he reminded me that part of that is due to our plans that keep changing along the way. All we wanted to do was have at least 3K saved by his birthday last June – and we did – so we could rent a place. But then we found that owning a manufactured home would be much cheaper than renting a house. So, since we were sick of dealing with management companies, landlords, etc., we decided to go for that which meant holding out longer to save more money. Now we have enough saved for something decent, but not the greatest credit. So now we have to clean that up and hope nothing else comes up to delay us.

I knew God wouldn’t make it easy for us and that He would be against what we’re doing. My pain has always been his pleasure, and while I’m certainly not in any “pain” right now and life is otherwise great, I knew He wouldn’t have seen to it that we lost two places if He wanted us owning. Well, we may not always have as much free will as we’d like, and sometimes we get caught up in circumstances beyond our control that take some time to escape, but we WILL one day own again. That much is going to be up to US. I don’t know if it’ll be in our favorite park, but we’re not going to settle either.

Nane once said that if I had any doubts, don’t do it. This was sound advice too, cuz if you have any doubts it’s usually for a reason, and moving into a place full of doubt instead of excitement is never a good thing. My gut instinct has rarely let me down, so I’m going to trust whatever it tells me.

If we can’t get a hold of the realtor to show us the new Skyline tomorrow in the park that’s here in town, we’ll at least drive by it. Finding out who owns that strip of grass between it and next door would be nice to do since I know we could never get lucky enough to get next to those who love only cats or nothing at all.

Later…

Definitely gotta keep most of this entry private. Good news: They just jacked my husband’s income to 50K. Bad news: Part of the way they do that is because the 10-hour shifts are back, including Saturday, which means we’ll never have time to move no matter how much money we have. We probably won’t really make 50K in the end, but there’s no way in hell we’ll be under 40K.

Talk about being overcompensated! Sometimes we really do get what we ask for… tenfold. Less than two years ago we were wishing someone would give him just two lousy weeks of work and now he can’t stop working. Less than one year ago I was thinking how wonderful it would be to have vision coverage and now I can’t stop going to the damn eye doctor (hopefully tomorrow will be it for a year).

Tom’s ordering new work shoes to help his feet and asked if I wanted anything. Sure. How ‘bout some incense? So I got ten 20-packs of patchouli, lavender, strawberry, cedarwood, apple cider, peach, scary night, shower and flowers, a variety pack consisting of love, musk and honeysuckle, and one containing cinnamon, vanilla and raspberry.

Another reason I wanted to keep this private is that I don’t want to mention Dorene’s rudeness and paranoia in public for fear of it encouraging her to harass me, but much more importantly, harassing my friends. I could just keep blocking the bitch, but with my friends, it would be different. I could explain the situation to them if they were harassed and questioned me about it, but I would feel so damn bad as hell that they got sucked up into this bitch’s web of shit. Wish I could tell myself not to worry or care about what happens to others, but I do care. I do care if you’re someone that really matters to me. Unfortunately, she blocked me before I could block her, which means I’ve got to watch my friend list and block her if she reappears on the list. I also set my friend list so only I see it, not that she couldn’t see friends who have posted things and left comments and likes.

Dorene is a 32-year-old, bisexual mulatto woman living in New York who also attended Valleyhead. We never met, though, cuz she was there a decade after I was. While I knew she was moody and opinionated, she was still smart, unlike Kim and Molly. She attends college and seems to want to really make something of her life. While most of her posts were nasty, vengeful and full of anger, I could also relate to a lot of what she said, and the posts were well-written. Sometimes they were even funny even when they weren’t meant to be since she often added a touch of humor to even the more serious posts.

I liked Dorene even though the posts pertaining to color and race would get old. “I’m an Oreo,” she would randomly come out and post, and I’d be thinking, so? I’m white. Should I tell the whole world? Should I flaunt it and be proud of it? Should I try to use it against those that piss me off? Then I would just roll my eyes and move on.

I knew that most of the claims of discrimination were, as with most blacks these days, more than likely fabricated or at least imagined. So many blacks see racism where it simply does NOT exist. Like today. She posted that she was being discriminated against because two rental companies told her she needed to make 2.5 times her rent. I don’t usually say anything on most of her posts cuz I always figured she’d take it all wrong or read things in that weren’t there. But today I did. Friends are supposed to be able to share their thoughts, right? So I told her that this is common everywhere and that color has nothing to do with these income requirements. They told Tom and I that we’d need to make something like 3 times the space rent for one of the parks we checked out.

Anyway, I don’t know what she didn’t get about what I said or where she thought I was saying they should be allowed to discriminate against those with disabilities because then I got, “Are you implying they should discriminate against those with disabilities or who are low income? How dare you assume shit, blah, blah, blah… and leave rude comments, blah, blah, blah…” Then it was off on a poor-poor-black people tangent and I’m like, what’s race or color got to do with income requirements?

Really, I am sick to death of some groups’ non-stop whining. There is no appeasing and satisfying some folks! Blacks may not be as bad as Muslims, but sometimes they really make it hard for others to give them a chance and to like them and to be their friend. Why don’t people see these people for the hating, paranoid, excuse-making, finger-pointing, lazy assholes so many of them can be? Because they don’t want to? They cry discrimination in everything. Everyone’s always out to get them, so they think. But then why are most prisoners these days white? Well, it isn’t cuz more whites commit more crimes but because they’re the ones not getting away with it.

We drove through this rundown neighborhood that was predominantly black and I shook my head in sad disgust. Why? Because it’s not 1950! It doesn’t have to be this way anymore. They have more opportunities at their disposal these days than whites ever had. There is so little discrimination these days (that’s actually real) and they are given first dibs on nearly everything. Yet too many of them still choose to join gangs, jump on welfare, sit at home and resort to a life of crime. But why? If they’re physically and mentally able to work, why? They don’t have to live like this anymore! Some may fall on hard times just like everyone else, but really, I’m all outa sympathy for these folks. Give some folks the world and they’ll still shit on you cuz enough is never enough for angry, vengeful people who feel the need to try to avenge the past and take advantage of all that’s given to them, even if it means fucking people over by reverse discriminating against them.

Then I get one final message about having my husband’s money to “hide” behind (always that evil homemaker. So what if she works part-time online and does her best despite a seriously debilitating sleep disorder that greatly hinders and limits what she can do and when she can do it), stop dressing like a 5-year-old (what does the way I dress have anything to do with her misunderstanding my point?), and go to hell, white bitch (again, only she sees and mentions color).

Well, I’m no longer open to making new friends no matter how kind they may seem at first and no matter what their color or nationality. There are just too many crazies out there misunderstanding the simplest things and going off over nothing. Tell someone to have a good day and they just might take it as you telling them to kill their family and then themselves. Andy, Nane, Mary, Adonis, Alison and those I’m closest to online really help make up for these assholes and I love and appreciate them all the more for it.

I didn’t bother to waste my time trying to defend myself or explain that she missed my point. I’m only writing about it here because that’s what a journal is for. I can tell people something, but I can’t make them get it. I don’t need this kind of childish drama in my life either, and she can go take her moods out on others. When shit hits me, I remove myself from it. It’s easier that way.

But this is the type of person to stalk people. It’s not just something I suspect, but that she herself has actually admitted to, and quite proudly. Oh yeah, she’s admitted to plenty of acts of revenge she’s taken pleasure in, and to stalking old friends, girlfriends and boyfriends. So this isn’t something I’m just assuming.

Then a friend of hers messaged me (it went to my ‘other’ box) asking me who the hell I think I am and how Dorene’s sharing my pics to laugh at with others.

Fine with me. If I was worried about pics being shared, they’d never be online anywhere at any time to begin with. Without replying, I blocked the childish bitch.

Hopefully, Dorene and her cronies will leave me and my friends alone, though I’d rather her hit me with 20 messages a day than just 1 to a friend, especially my family. After dealing with Molly and then Kim, I don’t need troll #3 to have to play block it with. Fortunately, I’m not nearly as reachable as I used to be.

A part of me still misses Ask, despite the never-ending slew of trolls that pestered me and then latched onto those I would communicate with regularly there. I’m going to wake that account up late in the night in the next day or two just to keep it alive in case I ever change my mind and decide to use it again. I like to keep my options open. If only trolls, as a rule, didn’t pester our friends! I don’t mind deleting and blocking their shit that much. That’s easy enough to do. But I feel terrible when they involve others who have nothing to do with whatever it is they’ve decided is so evil about me that I must be stalked, hounded, followed and pestered.

Wonder if she has my blog links? She knows about MyOpera because she commented on them (on FB since she couldn’t do it on the blog). This isn’t important, though. She can’t access me there and there’s no one to mess with there. My friends there are people I’m either very close to that would go to bat for me in a heartbeat and that wouldn’t buy anything the crazy bitch said, or they’re nearly strangers.

There’s a spider on the wall. I think I’ll go “hide” behind my husband and make him kill it.

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 25, 2013 Woke up both excited and bummed out. Excited to know we found the park we want to live in, but bummed to know that we might be many months away from having good enough credit to get into it. I keep trying to tell myself there are worse things in life than being here another year, but it’s bad enough. Yes, I really want to get into this park, we both love it, but another year of loud vehicles, pesky landlords, old dumps, insufficient space and a crappy internet connection? It’s too bad I can’t stand apartments. We could hole up there for a year, and even if it were a small 1-bedroom, at least it would have cable and not be as old as this place. But in truth, I wouldn’t get any sleep, and if our credit isn’t good enough for the park, it may not be good enough for a rental company either unless we got a cheap dump in the slums which is never going to happen. So… the waiting game must go on. Hopefully, there won’t be too many problems with this dump before we leave it, but we’ll almost certainly have to deal with the roofing excursion. I really hope that doesn’t take too many days!

Exchanged a few messages with Nane yesterday, who’s to be busy catching up for the next few days. The poor girl is hating how cold it is there after having such beautiful weather for a week. We’re going to be in the 70s here by the end of the week.

Tammy and I wrote our own 1-year-anniversary memorials to Dad (I can’t wait to see what she comes up with for Mom’s in September) and we were laughing our asses off about an idea I’d had for a Mother’s Day card if we could resurrect her just long enough for it. A picture of a cockroach jelly sandwich (which totally grossed Tom and Andy out) with a note inside saying: Eat shit and die again, bitch!

I was thinking about how mom pitted her against me as well as others she’s come between and tried to get on her side and against this one or that one as if it were a fucking high school popularity contest or something, and I gotta wonder what could make a person so sick, but mostly so mean. For what good, honest, rational reason would she try to pit Tammy against me??? What kind of mother pits one of her kids against another? I just don’t get it or see any sense or logic to that whatsoever. It just seems so wrong, unfair and unnecessary.

Nothing potentially meaningful or even interesting in last night’s dreams. Although I can’t remember them, I had a few dreams of Adonis probably because he’s the last one I chatted with online before bed.

Speaking of Adonis, I learned yesterday that he’s one of the ones picking on Molly on her blog. Molly’s mysterious friend still leaves words of encouragement as well, and I’m still not sure who it is. But Adonis gave himself away by making a common grammatical error that I’ve only known him to make. It seems that one of the girls at Marbridge who may be picking on her is named Gemma, but he spelled it with one m. I know this is kind of dishonest of me, but as a test, I told Adonis in public on Facebook that I had a dream he told me he pulled a prank on someone we both knew, and he messaged me to ask that I remove that comment. So that pretty much confirmed my suspicion that it was he who told her he thought she still needed help and shouldn’t be online.

I agree. I don’t see one tiny shred of change in Molly other than that she is kept busy enough that she can’t spend nearly as much time online as she used to. I dread the day when she can! But she’s still the same old naturally miserable whackjob as always, saying she’s not talking about her former friends in one breath, but then missing them in the next. Nothing but anger, sadness and anxiety from her with very little joy mixed in.

Kim, if the Maya account really is hers, hasn’t posted anything in a couple of weeks, and Nancy’s never going to get back online.

Kim seems to be oh-so well-behaved lately, but I’m not fooled. I know the celebrity friend requests stopped because I tweaked my settings, I know the MD messages stopped because she knows I’ll publish her messages (after a little editing), and I know I don’t hear from her because she can’t comment on my other blogs or ask me “questions” on Ask. She probably fears I’ll go to her sister again if she starts her shit back up again with me, but I won’t. I won’t because I know she won’t help me. I doubt she’s really all that worried about the sister and the publishing of her messages. Clearly, she has no conscious and clearly she doesn’t care what happens to her. If anything getting in trouble would be one more reason to feel sorry for herself and one more thing to blame on others.

Tom looked in my ear, said it looked beautifully clean, and so that told me that there was something else going on besides the pressure of when it gets gunked up with dead skin. Probably has to do with the eardrum getting sucked back like the doctor in Oregon said. sighs I just wish I’d never had the damn surgery to begin with!

Another surprise, painless period with heavy bleeding. The bleeding didn’t last long, but I still wonder why my cycle is so screwy now. I’m two days early, too. I may have cramps tomorrow.

Later…

My friend Mary is a victim’s advocate and she is the absolute best advocate to have. Not just because she’s smart, compassionate and good with words, but because she knows what it’s like to be a victim, suffering at the hands of an abusive monster that never should’ve been given the right to grace this planet with its evil presence.

Mary not only shares thoughts, links and videos pertaining to victims of domestic violence, but those that also expose corrupt officials, laws and prison systems, both foreign and not. We probably don’t agree on every single issue, but I think it is wonderful that she posts such enlightening material. Issues that certainly need to be addressed and dealt with properly.

One of the videos she shared showed 4 or 5 Russian guards beating the shit out of a male prisoner that was resisting giving up his civilian clothes for prison duds. The inmate was screaming like crazy as he was hit, kicked, punched and slapped. While it was clearly prisoner abuse and while I have no idea why these guards would film themselves engaging in the kind of corruption that I would think could get them in an awful lot of trouble (though I’m not familiar with Russian laws), I said to myself, “I wonder what this prisoner was convicted of because if it’s anything violent or sexual, I’m not going to feel bad for this guy.”

Sure enough, he was in for 3 years for assault. Seems like he was just getting a taste of his own medicine to me. Yeah, sometimes karma really does bite us in the ass. Okay, so two wrongs may not make a right and guards shouldn’t be allowed to beat the snot out of their prisoners, but it’s really hard for me to feel sorry for this guy any more than I could feel sorry for a rapist that gets raped behind bars, etc. If this guy had assaulted me, I’d probably be cheering the guards on. Although no one ever laid a hand on me, if anyone knows what it’s like to be legally railroaded, it’s me. And if anyone is against corrupt law enforcement officials, it’s me. But my sympathy falls short of those who are simply getting what they dished out. Now this guy knows firsthand what it’s like to be assaulted. Maybe he’ll remember the next time he’s on the outs and thinks of kicking ass.

Rather than enclose the link to the video here, just ask if you want it and I will get it to you.

I can’t help but see some of the latest headlines when I check my email, and seeing one about a 76-year-old mother who smothered her baby daughter in 1957 who’s only now going to do just a measly 45 days in jail and 10 years probation only makes me hate God even more right along with the people in this sick, crazy world.

I used to laugh at those who said God gave us free will. After all, we can’t always be where we want to be and do what we want to do when we want to do it. Sometimes we can never do it at all. But maybe we do have more free will than I realized considering God’s I-don’t-give-a-shit attitude. In other words, God may as well have said to this woman back in 57, “Go ahead, kill your kid. I don’t care. I’m not going to bother getting involved or stopping you, and when you do finally get punished decades later, it’ll barely be a slap on the wrist, so go ahead, do what you want lady. I don’t give a fuck about you or your innocent child that never did a damn thing wrong other than be born to the wrong person.”

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 24, 2013 Happy 1-year anniversary on the other side, Dad! Well, maybe not “happy” unless the afterlife is a lot more fun than this one. Is there even an afterlife in the first place? Well, if there is, please, please, please take a bat to your wife’s head for me. You wouldn’t do it here, so… if you two are together in the afterlife and she’s not frying in hell, then it’s never too late to do what you, God and the law failed to do here and that’s to finally give her what she deserves!

So Nancy’s birthday would turn out to be D-Day for Dad. She hasn’t appeared to be on Facebook yet either, but I’m sure she’ll be in soon to suck up whatever attention her birthday will bring her. She’s got hundreds of friends but only ONE birthday wish so far, LOL. Good going, Nance!

Let’s see… what else? My ear has been annoying me on and off and we’ll be leaving for the IHOP and to check out parks in an hour or so.

Later…

We left just before 6am, jumped on the freeway, then realized we had forgotten Tammy’s IHOP gift card. Too lazy to turn back and loaded with oodles of money, we ate at Denny’s instead. I’m sure Tammy’s gonna get a kick out of us forgetting to take her card, but the card doesn’t expire and the IHOP isn’t going anywhere, so it’ll wait.

Denny’s was just so-so. I got the T-bone and eggs. The steak was tough, but the eggs, biscuit and red potatoes were pretty good. Tom got an omelet, which he enjoyed very much.

Since the gates weren’t yet open at the “Beverly Hills” park, we headed for Sacramento. The idea was to see the kind of neighborhood the park where you own a percentage of it was located, but thanks to Google who gave us the wrong directions, we simply wasted gas and time. The wetlands looked kind of cool as we passed by the Sacramento River delta.

We passed by the Northgate area too, where the extended-stay hotel was that we were stuck in for 8 months before coming here. I asked Tom if he thought Michelle was still there. Michelle, who worked the front desk, was one of those who was attractive and ugly at the same time. She had a great personality and would often do what she could to accommodate us. At extended-stay hotels, the housekeeper usually only cleans once a week. So depending on my schedule she’d either have the housekeeper come early or at the end of the day.

I joked with him about stopping by the office and, if she were still there, asking to hold off on the housekeeping. Then she’d be like, “Wow, when did you guys come back?!” Then we could really fuck with her head and insist we never left, hahaha.

We hadn’t gotten very far into the park Tom was excited to show me before I readily agreed it is indeed the Rolls Royce of parks! It was utterly gorgeous. Even nicer than the Diamond K Estates all had nice new homes with garages. It looks like a regular neighborhood with regular houses. Most of the houses are really nice and out of our league at the moment, but they do have some that are easily affordable. We could take out a 10-year loan for a nicer place, but we don’t want that kind of debt. Space rent is one thing, but we like to own things outright – cars, houses, everything. Also, we should be able to get something plenty nice enough for much less. Who needs wet bars anyway? Tom never drinks and I almost never do.

The homes range from 10K to over 100K and the park itself is just beautiful. It’s no wonder the homes and space rent are a bit pricey. You can breathe a little easier at this park cuz it’s not so damn cramped and the houses aren’t right on the street either. The roads aren’t so narrow and everything around you is so well maintained. This is the nicest park.

It was so cool when we turned onto one of the streets and saw the fountain shooting up from the center of the large manmade lake in the center of the park. The lakeside houses are obviously more expensive, but it would still be nice to be on one of the streets where you could at least see the lake at the end of it. It’s not a must, but it would still be nice. Especially the fountains. I wonder if the people closest to it feel a mist on windy days.

There were 5 or 6 wild turkeys slowly meandering around which was kind of cool. They seem so brave, though I’m sure they’d run if someone approached them. They’re sure are huge, too! They had to be around 50 pounds.

I didn’t like all the cars. Several houses had 2, even 3 cars parked by it. That could get pretty damn door-slammy with the way people are in and out so often, but I’d rather 2-3 cars parking on me there than 1 parking on me at the “sardine” park which was the worst one we’ve seen so far. That one was unbelievably cramped and mostly consisted of dumpy old single-wides.

I would still prefer not to have anyone’s driveway running alongside our place, or for people to make a habit of hanging outdoors gabbing and whatnot outside our place, but again, I’d take that there over other places as I don’t think it’d be nearly as annoying there given the layout, spacing and the way the houses are set up. I’m sure anyone I shared pics of the place with would be impressed. It’s that nice. Totally worth the space rent which ranges between $600 - $750. A little high, but still easily affordable. We pay $825 here.

The problem is that there’s a nasty catch to every single goddamn thing we want in life. Our credit is no longer shitty, but doesn’t meet their requirements yet. We know without a doubt we could eventually get in there and we know we could find something affordable there in an acceptable location within the park. There were only a few shaky locations, but again, I’d rather those than most other parks. We even saw the two places we had our eye on but didn’t get, and yes, they’re in ideal locations. But we didn’t have 10K last summer, and we don’t want a place that was set up poorly and therefore not structurally sound. They already started ripping out the old carpet, so we saw. It looked like brand-new sculpted carpet online, but Tom said it was just horrible.

It’s not the impossible dream. That’s the good news. The bad is that although it probably won’t, it could take another year before we can get in. It’s going to depend on how strict the park is about their precious magic numbers when it comes to credit scores. While we’re both quick to say we’d rather wait for first best than take second best right away, we also don’t want to remain in the shadow of the Jes pest another year. Just the thought of another year of this dial-up slow Internet connection for another year makes me want to scream. The only thing that’s gotten better here is the barking. I rarely hear them anymore. Makes me think someone’s been staying with him, cuz as soon as he’d take off, especially at this time of year, they’d go batshit crazy for hours. But neither of us wants to live like bums is his microscopic dump while we listen to his fleet of vehicles coming and going, deal with his never-ending slew of projects, and fight to stay online.

So, while we definitely want to aim for this park, we also want to keep all our options open while we’re at it. That means that we’re still going to check out that 1999 Skyline on Wednesday, along with another older, bigger place here in town.

Still… I can’t help but think of the few clues my dreams have yielded thus far – tons of citrus trees, 12K, blue and or tan, right-side parking. I don’t know about the colors as they’re kind of common, and most of the places have right-side parking, but there are some 12K houses in the super nice park (Lakeview) which happens to be in Citrus Heights. I’m hoping the closer we get, the more dream clues I’ll get. Unfortunately, I still don’t think we’re close yet which would explain why I haven’t had many dreams at this point. The “April change” dream could’ve simply meant we’d get my inheritance then, but the dream where I said we’d be over in Lincoln couldn’t have meant anything. Not after learning that the park there is for all ages.

We estimate being able to save another 20K if we are here another year, and that’s without putting much effort into it. If we actually put some serious effort and skimped on things, we could save closer to 30K. For now, it’s back to waiting… listening to Jesse… waiting… listening to Jesse… and dreading the number of plumbing issues we’d be looking at in the interim until we one day take back what God took from us…twice.

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 23, 2013 Nancy still doesn’t appear to have logged onto Facebook to find what goodies await her there. This should please No One very much. BTW, I appreciate all the comments about how I’m simply expressing myself and all that and not harming anyone. I agree.

On today’s menu is laundry, dishes, cleaning the bathroom, working out, and doing a whole lotta reading and writing.

We’re hoping to check out a house or two for sale here in Auburn when I see the eye doctor on Wednesday. At least I haven’t had any bad dreams about my eyes. I decided that this is it. I don’t want to keep going back to this guy till I need new glasses. So what if I have a touch of elevated pressure? I have too many other things to deal with now like moving, dentists and other doctors. So no matter what he says, I’m not coming back. As they say, ignore big problems and they only get bigger. Ignore little problems and they go away.

Nothing really significant dream-wise. Just snippets of things. Tom and I have been talking about moving more often in my dreams. I’d like to take that as a sign that the move is getting closer, but I still think we’ll be here a long time. There’s simply no time for moving no matter how much money we save. Tomorrow, though, after the IHOP, we’re going to check out some parks.

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 22, 2013 I ordered our groceries online this morning, and Tom’s going to pick them up on the way home from work. How nice it will be for him to be able to just run in, pay, grab the bags and go, instead of having to pull things off the shelf after what will probably be a 10-hour shift. Poor guy’s gotta work tomorrow too, not surprisingly, and as always, he has mixed emotions about it. He’d love to have the whole weekend off, but he loves the money, too.

He has worked so hard and I have done so much around the house besides hoping my eyes don’t turn into any big deal, that in between the 3 trips to the eye doctor during the 27th, we’re going to treat ourselves to some fun. This will include plenty of eating and shopping, and if I want a $200 dress or he wants a $300 gadget of some kind – fine. So be it. We deserve it! Knowing us, though, we probably won’t even spend $100 that day.

I misunderstood Tammy. The next step is to actually try some treatments on her lungs. It’ll only be if that fails that she’ll have the lung transplant, so hopefully the treatments will work! How strange that would be to be put out and then wake up breathing through someone else’s lungs. Just wish she’d quit her damn smoking! If I could quit so can she.

Been brushing my teeth with baking soda to see if it whitens them as I heard it does, but it irritates my gums if I do it too often, so I’ll do it every few days or so and see what happens.

Rihanna’s back with her abusive BF, so I’ve heard, and 3 young sisters ranging from 9 to 11 were raped and murdered in India. Again I am left to wonder two things – what makes some women crave abuse, and what makes people think that God is good? I try to let people have their own way of thinking, but sometimes I can’t help but wonder about people. Unless there is another entity separate from God that’s just plain evil and that is more powerful than God, God is not good. Yet a frightening amount of people still seem to think He is. I just don’t get that and how any being with a supposed limitless amount of power that doesn’t step in and intervene when it comes to such atrocities can be considered good. I guess that is for them to know and for me not to understand. For me, the final straw with God came in 2000. I promised myself I would never forgive Him and I don’t think I could even if I wanted to, but no, I definitely don’t want to. At this point in my life, while hearing of these tragedies may only fuel my hate for Him, rather than hate Him or not hate Him, I’d rather just not think of Him as much as possible and I would prefer it if He would ignore me as well. I always advised people to just not have anything to do with those they don’t like. Well, if God doesn’t like me, and I don’t like Him, why shouldn’t we do the same thing?

As for Rihanna, women like that really make me sick. It’s sad that some of them enjoy pain and abuse so much that they would actually go back to someone who beat the shit out of them when they have all the money, support and resources in the world to avoid sickos like Chris. There’s got a be a million guys that are hot for her, so why him??? I’m not a celebrity follower, so I don’t know much about her personality or what’s caused this obvious illness/addiction of hers. Just that she’s attractive and has a great voice. But if I were her I’d seek counseling to try to find out why I thought I didn’t deserve better than Chris and why I thought I deserved and even enjoyed getting my ass beat. I just don’t get it. Is it the thrill of being in danger that turns this chick on? Does she actually like pain? Is it just loads of fun to be kicked and slapped around? Does it, in her mind, give her a reason to feel sorry for herself? Is that what she gets off on; feeling sorry for herself and getting sympathy from others? Well, the next time Chris beats her ass – and I don’t see why he wouldn’t since guys like that don’t usually change and she’s already shown that she won’t fight back and will stick around and take it – I won’t feel sorry for her. She’s not responsible for other people’s actions, of course, but when you stick your hand into the tiger’s den, what do you expect? Then again, when he does go to jail for his next assault, it’ll only be for 5 minutes cuz he’s rich, famous, black and male.

What I’d really love to see is for Chris to hit the wrong woman, but that’s the problem with these cocks. Like a vicious dog senses and preys on fear, they usually try to avoid women who will fight back. If they didn’t, the violence against men stats would go up dramatically.

Woe to the cock that ever even thinks of raising a hand to me. I’m faster and stronger than most people, but if I can’t beat your ass black, blue and bloodied with my bare hands, you bet I’ll be coming back for you with mace or a stun gun to render you helpless just long enough to make you regret the day you were born. :)

Later…

So I get this message from No One (noone) scolding me for how I handled Nancy. Read the entry titled “Ha Ha, Nancy” to understand who I’m talking about.

Haven’t I seen that email before? Hmm… I think they may’ve scolded me before, but either way, No One (Aimee in FL? Lauren in NY?) says this:

“Do you ever think that you bring on your own bad fate with your actions? You bitch all the time about how things aren’t going the way you think they should, and then you divulge that you exacted “revenge” on someone you knew 12 years ago? For what gain, exactly? To make yourself feel better? How selfish. You reap what you sow. If you put shit into the world, guess what you’re going to get back?”

All the time? So this is someone who follows me regularly? And why do so many people automatically assume that if something bad happens to us we must’ve brought it on ourselves? Sometimes bad things really do happen to good people. Things they didn’t ask for. Why is that so hard to accept?

And how am I “selfish” for giving someone something they would want to read anyway? I wrote and published these things long before I knew I’d ever find Nancy online and slipped her the link to the entries where I mention her, but I don’t see how doing this is getting “revenge.” Okay, so maybe I’m a bit of a mischievous devil, and maybe it was a bit childish, but how is it actually hurting her? And how can it make me feel better? It’s kind of funny, but it doesn’t make me feel either better or worse.

Maybe No One just needs to spend a little time in a jail cell along with a crazy bitch like Nancy to have a better understanding. Until then she can insult me all she wants, although I know that not everyone means to be insulting and that they’re just expressing their opinion. Well, I’m expressing mine, too. :)

As for things not going the way I think they should, actually most of them have for quite a while now. My life may not be perfect any more than anyone else’s, but I’d say it’s been pretty damn good lately.

I also wonder why I get chided for enacting revenge that really isn’t revenge. Okay, so maybe it might piss Nancy off or maybe she’ll be like yeah, yeah, whatever, but how come so many others can pull shit way worse than I usually pull and everybody’s quick to laugh and applaud THEM? Just wondering why the double standards.

If it makes you feel better, No One, Nancy may never even see the links. As most people know, Facebook has a million and one bugs they never want to fix.

BTW, if we reap what we sow, well, Nancy sowed me.

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 20, 2013 Had a very long and detailed dream about being in the Witness Protection Program that it’s enough for one entry by itself. I took notes when I got up so I wouldn’t forget anything. It was one of those nightmares that wasn’t. Something bad happened to me, but I didn’t dream that part, fortunately.

I was supposedly home alone and it must’ve been closer to the city if not in the city because I could order a pizza there. With the pizza box in my hand, me not expecting it and it happening too fast to defend myself, the guy punched me harder than hard in the forehead. I was knocked out instantly and then raped and beaten for hours, so I would learn when waking up in the hospital.

Then I was at the police station, which had a Witness Protection Program that housed people like me upstairs. It was sort of like a hotel, though the rooms only had beds and bathrooms. You had to use a community kitchen.

Although the guy responsible was downstairs and in custody, he had friends on the outs working for him that the cops feared would hunt me down and kill me so I couldn’t testify against the guy, who I guess thought left me for dead and not just unconscious.

I was forbidden contact with Tom or friends in case the cock’s buddies were listening in.

Different officers hung out with me, then this cop (Officer John Teton? Tenon?) was assigned the job of “babysitting” me. I guess hiding in the rooms by ourselves above the PD wasn’t enough.

Although I wasn’t the least bit attracted to the 6-foot guy who was a little overweight with a bit of a gut, hazel eyes, brown hair, and a mustache, which I suspected was attracted to me, I found him to be a super nice guy. We had lots of intelligent conversations. At one point I expressed what a nightmare it would be if the perp broke out of his cell, knew I was upstairs, then came after me.

“Well, if he does I’ll shoot him for you,” Tenon said.

I gave him a smile that basically said, thanks. Glad to know you’d do that for me.

Eventually, the conversation shifted to certain sickos responsible for screwing me in another state and I asked Tenon if he’d heard about it.

“Just bits and pieces,” he said, “I’ll check it out later.”

“After you read what they said happened, check with me and I’ll tell you what really happened. The cops and media bought everything the so-called vics said without verifying anything first, if it was even verifiable at all.”

He nodded sympathetically and the next thing I knew, it was nighttime and we headed to our room for bed. I didn’t like that the room had just one bed, but I didn’t feel threatened. I was too tired to really care anyway and fell asleep fully dressed, facing away from Tenon.

Sometime in the night, I awoke to the bed shaking and Tenon chanting, “Why does my head hurt so bad, why does my head hurt so bad…?”

I got up, flipped the light on, and found him rocking back and forth on the edge of his side of the bed with his hands holding the sides of his head, obviously in excruciating pain. I waited a few minutes, but he kept up the slow rocking. “Any better?” I finally asked.

He shook his head. I stepped toward him and he started to talk. I cut him off and said, “John, I’m a psychic influencer and dream premonitioner, but you have to be quiet and let me do my thing.”

Instead of laughing or telling me I was full of shit, he quieted and gave a quick nod. I placed my index and middle fingers on his forehead as he lay back against the pillow, and concentrated really hard.

A few minutes later I said, “It’s gone now, isn’t it?”

He nodded and smiled. Then he jumped off the bed. I thought he was nauseous now and was going to run into the bathroom and puke. Instead, he reached for his phone and told whoever answered that I was “psychic as hell.” He said it with an I-found-gold kind of excitement.

Then he hung up and told me we were going to be moved closer to the perp to see what I could pick up from him.

“Why don’t you just take me to beat the living shit out of him instead?” I asked.

Instead of an answer, Tenon told me to hurry up and gather my stuff. Then he led me to an area where two corridors crossed. There was a bench, which I sat on by a couple of elevators. The bright lights hurt my tired eyes.

Tenon asked how I learned to do that and I told him that I didn’t. “It’s not something you learn, but something you one day realize you can just do. There’s no instruction manual on how to be psychic that you can just run out and buy, Tenon.”

Tenon turned to talk to some other officer and I tried to imagine Nane’s reaction when I could finally email her about the situation. Then a tall skinny black or mulatto woman with short hair that wasn’t in uniform walked by and said, “Come on.”

The dream ended with me following her and wondering if I’d ever see Tenon again. I shouted, “Thanks for all the card games,” but wasn’t sure he heard me.

This nearly 1,000-word dream was definitely one of the longest I’ve ever had!

Later…

The part of Walter’s message that I swear wasn’t visible yesterday magically reappeared today. I sent a copy to Tammy and Andy to check out, and I’m going to really wonder what the hell’s going on if they tell me they didn’t get it. Tammy’s got doctor’s appointments to deal with today, so she may not check in for a while. She said all she does is sleep. Poor thing.

I was recently telling my good friend Adonis that few blogs seize my attention, but one more did today. I guess my own blog, diary, journal – whatever you want to call it – snagged this guy Dorian’s attention because of my dreams and psychic experiences. So we got into a little discussion and I found his diary to be just as interesting and well written.

Tom says he really likes the idea of picking out a place around April cuz it gives us a chance to look at a bunch of places both cheap and more expensive. This way we’re not passing up something good by rushing into the first place we can get. By April we’ll have better credit and will have paid off our yearly bills. The car insurance thing is coming up soon. As he also said, if we find a great deal on a place beforehand, then fine. So if he and the dreams say April, then April it is.

Had to laugh when he said that by April the weather will be getting warmer and we’ll be able to judge how much activity there is around the place. Well, I can tell him about the activity cuz I know what it’ll be like cuz I have common sense. It goes like this: No one indoors when it’s not too cold, hot or rainy. Everyone must be outdoors landscaping, gardening or just enjoying the fresh air. There must be as many pedestrians as in the mainstream or close to it and most must be accompanied by a mutt.

At least there won’t be any kids or loud car stereos.

Besides, we could move in next to ideal neighbors that turn around and move a few months later and are replaced with trouble. It’s happened before. So what you see isn’t what you’ll always get. It just depends. All I know is that the bastard above loves to sic the wrong neighbors on us. So if they aren’t already there, I’m sure He’ll bring them to us at some point. That’s just one area in life God loves to torture me with. I still don’t fully believe He’s done beating us over the head with money either. I think He’ll find a way to get it out of our hands sooner or later. Clearly, though, our lives have been nothing but uphill overall since that miraculous job call came in September of 2011. It’s hard to believe God would suddenly decide to be so nice to us. So then what is being so nice to us and keeping God at bay? It’s like something made a deal with Him to leave us the fuck alone.

When Tom and I were talking earlier I was telling him how I’d never guess him to be with someone like me if I was a waitress that waited on him regularly or was a coworker or something like that. because he’s so kind and mellow I’d picture him to be with some shy, quiet, mousy woman who was quite ordinary. You know, “normal.” Because opposites don’t usually attract and people want duplicates they can relate to, I’d never guess him to be with a nutty, eccentric, feisty person like me who has so much trouble doing what comes so easily to most, and an easier time doing what most struggle with.

Later…

Sometimes I think of returning to Ask and not allowing for anonymous questions for a year or so. After all, Kim never harassed me there with a regular account. Molly may ask things, but I could just block or ignore her. She’s crazy but not Kim crazy. She’s also not afraid to contact people out of anonymity. Well… I’ll think about it. Maybe that would be better than eventually going from not there at all, to there and allowing anonymous questions. If they see me there for a long time without allowing anonymous questions, they may assume I’ll never allow them and not bother to follow me. I decided a while ago, though, that I don’t care if they read my blogs. And so what if they see pictures of our future home? It is only pictures. They won’t know where it is because I don’t post addresses online or any links containing addresses.

I’m not going to put this part online any more than the thing about Ask cuz Tammy said she didn’t tell Sarah everything. Her breathing tests were worse and she’s basically got two options. What she’s got isn’t curable so one option is to remove part of the lung that’s been giving her problems, or take some IV cancer medicine, as she put it, and begin the long road toward a possible lung transplant.

Ugh! Just ugh! Vengeful bitch at times or not, indirect hand in making my life hell for years or not, what a shitty thing to have to go through. Back when I had that dream that she died, I didn’t think she really would die, but I knew trouble was ahead. You can’t be like me and have a dream like that and not expect trouble.

Another thing that can’t go in public, or that I should at least “whisper” is Alison’s reply to my witness protection dream. She said: Coincidentally, just last night my mom called to ask me if I know a John who used to be an Omaha cop but now works in the criminal investigation unit of the FBI. I do, but I don’t know the last name (because I have very little to do with that department) and I don’t know if he has any ties with Witness Protection. Still, sometimes, Jodi, I swear you and I are, in a way, the same person. Very detailed dream, though!

It is really weird!

Last night’s dreams only consisted of Aly winning a Pulitzer, and some friend committing suicide. I don’t know who the friend was, but I was standing over their grave and saying, “I’m so, so sorry God gave you more than you could handle,” and went on to say what a bastard He was for it, how I’d miss them, and so on and so forth.

I know that how much money one makes isn’t necessarily a true measure of success. Quitting smoking, losing weight and getting fit is a huge measure of success right there as are so many other things in life. But sometimes I still feel as unaccomplished as I am accomplished. I feel like I have nothing to show for my efforts and that no matter how many languages I learn or how many stories I write, I will always be a failure of sorts. Does everybody feel like this at times?

How is it that I hate beer as much as I do for its nasty, bitter taste, yet I just love beer-battered products? Beer-battered fish and chicken rocks! And I just love how the rats get all excited when they smell me cooking. It’s so cute how they beg for whatever I’m making. We were all playing yesterday morning, and today I let them out to run around after Tom left. Sugar’s so cute the way he jumps and climbs all over me. Romeo mostly prefers to explore the vast, cavernous space under the futon, LOL.

I wish it would rain more here, but I have a feeling things are going to be very dry while we’re still here so the Jes pest can be outdoors being a pest. First I heard him buzzing around on the ATV, then loud vehicles coming and going, then banging. I don’t know if they were car doors slamming or him throwing things into a bin or something. I just know that it was too much from one person and too much to be hearing down here. Then again, how am I to know he was alone? Meanwhile, I’m sure that in a few hours when it’s warmer and lighter I’ll have to hear about whatever project he’s working on now. Too much rain gets depressing, but it sure would be nice if it could rain once or twice a week. The lack of summer rain is okay because then it’s too hot for the cock to be out as much. From now until June, though, he’ll live outdoors.

Make sure you give us outdoorsy neighbors with tons of company in the next place too, God. Oh, and be sure to set their mutts off on the way in and out with them and have them bark out of open windows – the ones closest to us – and make sure any visiting kids are screaming like hyenas. And don’t forget to maybe have a pipe or two burst under our street so I can listen to them digging up the road. Ooh, and how about having next door renovate or get a new AC or something like that? Of course, if you really want to be nice to us you could have the players involved be batshit crazy. That’d really be the icing on the cake, wouldn’t it be, Mr. Enabler?

Later…

OMG, this is sooo fucking funny! As I have so shamelessly written in all my journals, I was once framed by a crooked cop when my husband and I launched a city complaint against some welfare bums who once lived next to us and were personal friends of his. This landed me in jail for 6 months and I was eventually vindicated, and well, it’s a long story I could go on and on about, but I won’t.

Well, for a brief time in February of 2001, one of the worst cellies I ever had was a then 29-year-old girl named Nancy. She had a great body but a hideously ugly face. She was in for drugs, assault, and I think absconding, too.

The “toothless wad of acne” as I’d refer to her when she’d piss me off, really scared the shit out of me at one point that the detention officer on duty had to move me to another cell. It was too bad that Nancy turned out to be such a shit too, cuz other than her crazy, insane, unfuckingbelievably frustrating and even scary moods, she had a lot of good qualities. She was smart, she was mature, she was liberal, she was a good singer.

But Nancy obviously had a guilty conscience and plenty to hide given the fact that she was incredibly paranoid about the fact that I was keeping a journal and documenting every single experience I had at this jail from the inmates to the officers to the food to the living conditions to everything.

One day she totally flipped on me, and I mean flipped. She thought she was having a miscarriage when two tests confirmed she wasn’t pregnant, and decided to take it out on me. Not just by being a bitch but by threatening me. I’ll be the first to admit that Nancy could’ve kicked my ass, and God only knows what she’d have done had the DO not passed by when she did. Even if I could’ve kicked her ass, I still didn’t have the luxury of doing so because then I would have lost my visitation and commissary privileges. So it was a no-win situation either way.

She and Myra, in for child molestation, were the worst. For a week or two, they tormented me to no end with their mouth, taunts and threats, though it was always done through cooling/heating vents other than the first time Nancy threatened me as well as to tear up all my journals. Even after I was put in my own cell they continued to make their little threats, Nancy demanding the journals be turned over to her, Myra promising to shut up and leave me alone if I’d quit announcing to the whole pod what she’d done to her kids with her BF.

As most of you also know, I’ve been dropping or changing last names and slowly posting old journals from the 80s on up along with my current everyday stuff, and was going through the day Nancy ran me out of the cell and saw that I’d written that she told me she had 3 boys in Indiana. So I looked her up on Facebook and MySpace and found her in Indiana. I couldn’t resist contacting her and slipping her the link to the journals she has wanted so desperately to get a hold of for 12 years now, LMAO!!!

I know some would consider me vengeful and childish for dropping the links on her, but I just couldn’t resist, hahaha. Sometimes sweet old-fashioned revenge really is fun and good for the soul so long as no one’s being hurt and so long as no laws are being broken. Worst-case scenario Nancy’s just not too thrilled with reading what she reads if she really does read the journals. But hey, she should’ve thought of that beforehand, right? Then again, I knew her in 2001. Who could’ve known we could one day share our lives with the world at just the click of a mouse? LOL

Something up there must really want her to see these journals too, cuz I was able to “like” things on her page, share her profile, and even follow her. This way, if she doesn’t get my messages, I should still have her attention. Yeah, we may forget those we threaten, but they don’t forget us.

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 19, 2013 As anyone knows, the more money you have, the more options you have, and not just with house hunting. Yet we can kiss that 1999 Skyline good-bye. Yeah, I’m kinda pissed. I emailed Walter and asked when we could expect the initial payment and he “thinks” it could be a month. I’m not pissed at him. Just at the whole damn thing taking so long when it shouldn’t.

Again I wonder if all the delays are good or bad. We wouldn’t want to stay here either way, but is God trying to keep us from a good thing, or is something else up there trying to keep us from something bad? Like I said before, I do worry about how I would sleep in these parks when on nights, and I do worry about us just “happening” to get those extremes for neighbors and other things out of the ordinary. I don’t think, I KNOW, there was a neighbor curse on us. A few bad apples mixed into the bunch is normal and to be expected, but one after another? It was just too extreme. Therefore, I do worry about these things – getting neighbors who just can’t stay indoors, who are always doing something to pretty up the outside of their homes, who are always renovating, who have a lot of company, who come and go a lot, and basically doing nothing that would be against the park rules, but still annoying as hell to anyone right next to them.

Tom just got up and I told him what Walter said and he said he’s kind of glad, and being the optimist that he is, he pointed out the good in the delay, even if the delay still kind of sucks.

First of all, he’s pretty sure the strip of grass between the places is either theirs or a commonplace, which is where the mutts would be brought out to piss and shit. That’s literally right under our windows. Not only do I doubt the sound machine could override its bark if it were loud enough or of a certain pitch, but it would also be annoying as hell when I was wide awake. Furthermore, they allow up to 20-pound dogs, which is kind of big. Most parks only allow up to 15 pounds. We won’t rule this house out entirely, though, as I said before, it goes against what the “dream people” said. They said blue or tan, parking on the right, square footage in the 1400s, and I thought the dream with all the citrus trees could mean the town of Citrus Heights, but IDK.

The only dreams I remember last night was meeting a Valleyhead staffer who was very rude to me while I was at VH, and told me I’d aged well.

Also, someone handed me something that was supposedly written in Italian and asked me to read it to them, but the words were all wrong and they were like 25 letters long.

Another good thing is that it gives us time to accumulate more money of our own and to up our credit score. We should be in the 600s in another month. The best park, regardless of homes, is still that park where all the homes are at ground level and it looks like you’re driving through a regular neighborhood.

Mary, who got a new job, says she’s gotta start driving to make things easier. Yeah, if I had to relive my life I’d probably push harder to conquer my driving phobia, though I honestly don’t know how I’d have afforded a car on disability. For most of my youth, I was very poor. Until I met Tom, though, relying on buses was a flat-out bitch.

What I don’t get - please don’t get mad or take this the wrong way, I told her as I NEVER thought she deserved to do time. She was the victim too, not the perp - how the hell she gets jobs so easily in a state that has so few jobs, as a white person (minorities get first dibs on everything), as a woman, (our world is sexist), with not much of a job history since she was so young when all the shit started with her, and with a 13-year stretch, while my record-free husband with an extensive and impressive work history had to sit on unemployment for 2 years. I guess youth really IS everything, LOL. I’m happy as hell for her, but I still don’t get it, especially the record. Is she in some kind of program that places people who have done time or something? Is her PO putting in a good word for her?

Later…

Got a little rain going now out there. I’m sure the pest up the hill will gun his loud truck, but at least I won’t have to hear all his other vehicles today. On Sunday he almost made me wish someone would tie one of his balls to his ATV and the other to his motorcycle, and well, I’m sure you can figure the rest.

When I went to forward Walter’s email about the estate to Tammy I was in for one serious WTF? moment when I saw that it wasn’t there. The email is there, but not the part detailing the estate info. WTF? How can part of an email disappear???

While the house itself would’ve been ideal, another negative we thought of later was the fact that there was no shed there. We’ll take ours if worse comes to worst, but it’d be nice to have one already there, even if it may not be quite as nice as this one. Also, Auburn is still 1000’ up, and although it hasn’t happened in two years, you can get a dusting of snow here. The other towns we’ve been looking in average about 5° warmer and don’t get any dustings. So while the house is great, the area has too many negatives for a 10K place that needs so much.

The rats are having fun running along the space between the slider and vertical blinds. Sugar is one seriously horny rat. Rats are notoriously horny anyway. So much so that if the opposite sex isn’t available to get it on with, they will get it on with the same sex. Well, if we have vertical blinds in the next place, I wonder what the neighbors will think if they look over and see a couple of rats in action, LOL.

This weekend we’re not only going to finally take Tammy’s GC to the IHOP, but we’re going to check out the park Tom saw that he thinks is the nicest. It’s in Citrus Heights. This is the one where the houses are at ground level. The park itself is really nice, Tom says, but the houses there can be kind of expensive. This is the one that wants a 720 credit score. Tom says they’re regular houses that look like they’re in a regular neighborhood that’s very nice. The park is huge, which is both good and bad. It’s bad in that it makes visiting kids more likely to be at the pool, but it’s good in that they probably won’t pester us as much. The smaller parks may consist of a closer-knit community where everyone wants to be buddies with everyone.

Again, that 1999 Skyline went against a lot of what the dreams have said. Andy was telling me that Christine McVie’s mother was said to be psychic and said she’d “find it” in Orange Grove. Years later Stevie Nicks and Lindsey Buckingham were asked to join Fleetwood Mac. At this time they were living in L.A. on the corner of Fairfax and Orange Grove.

I still expect my dreams to reveal more info the closer it gets. Right now we’re probably about 3-6 months from the actual move. If the Jes pest has dream premonitions, then anytime now he should be dreaming of moving a broken futon out of here, his sister scrubbing away in the kitchen and bathroom and fixing leaky faucets LOL.

I realize that a lot of folks may think I’m just as crazy for writing about all these dream premonitions same as when I say I can’t keep a fucking schedule, but that’s okay because I also realize that if someone wants to insist I’m crazy, lying or whatever, they’ll do it no matter what I write about.

Off to hug my rats now. I know, I know. Crazy. Just crazy. :)

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 18, 2013 I was thinking of Nissan earlier – yes, that was her real name – and looked her up out of curiosity. It’s almost as if she never existed. Almost. All I found was that she’s now 58 years old. She’s that old? I didn’t realize she was that much older than me when I last saw her when I was 22 years old. Then again, I always did go for older women, and the bisexual local bus driver was one helluva hottie. Naturally, the feeling was anything but mutual, even if she hadn’t been with a woman named Julie like she was at the time, which she later split from before marrying some guy.

She and someone else I once knew indulged in some prank calls to me later on. They were actually quite interesting and I was actually disappointed when the calls stopped. But they stopped before I could fully learn who was behind them for sure and what their game was.

I almost feel kind of bad for myself when I think of all the women who so cruelly and needlessly led me on. These days I wouldn’t waste my time on people like this if I could help it, but I wonder… if I had chased men just as often, would they too, have led me on? Was I simply just a magnet for that before I met Tom, regardless of the gender involved? I wonder this at times, but I will never know for sure if they’d have done the same thing. I just know that meeting Tom makes me just as glad things didn’t work out as I was pissed and heartbroken over having my head played with. Fucking bitches. But if karma applies even to those who have wronged me, then they got their own asses dumped or at least led on at some point later on.

Nissan does seem to be single now. I’m not surprised. Gamers like that usually are. Wonder if they ever have any regrets, though. We can’t help who we’re not interested in any more than we can help who we are interested in, but I wonder if they ever said to themselves when the shit hit the fan with whoever they did end up with, “If only I’d see past her shortness. Maybe I should’ve given her a chance and looked beyond her femininity and the fact that she was poor, carless and on disability.”

But people tend to focus more on our negatives than our positives. Just one negative trait, no matter how trivial and harmless it may be, can override dozens of positive traits in the eyes of many.

I wonder how many people I’ve messaged on Facebook that never appeared to get my messages, but that really did and sent a reply I never got. That site really pisses the shit out of me. But with the types of connections I have now over there, it’s not that easy to just dump the damn thing or else I’d do so in a heartbeat like I did with Thoughts. I guess a sensible compromise would be to just not use it as much. I just wish, for once and for all, I could get people to stop “liking” public cover photos. Goes to show that not all my posts or journal entries get read, but oh well. There’s only so much looking out for others I can do anyway. I can’t be expected to protect everyone all the time. I can only warn them about what may happen.

Later…

So what racket will my landlord make for me today that I’ll have to listen to? I’m sure this ONE guy 200’ away will think of something. Should be out working on the land gunning, sawing, drilling, beating or riding around on something. Then again, it is Monday, and those are a little more peaceful.

And why the hell is Firefox crashing on me like crazy all of a sudden? It hasn’t crashed in ages, but today it’s crashed on me 3 times already.

Tom emailed the realtor about the house we’re interested in, and we learned more pros and cons about it. We don’t mind that it’s still not close to where he works, even though gas is sometimes outrageous. He makes a lot of money, the space rent on this place is low, and it’s not like he has to drive that far. In Maricopa, he had a 50-minute drive to work. That was long. It would’ve been close to that amount of time had things worked out with the land we bought in Oregon, too. Here it’s about 25-30 minutes depending on traffic. This may not be the prettiest town, but it’s still a nice little town with enough stores and mostly white people.

He makes something like $600 more than they require, and that’s without OT, and the realtor didn’t mention credit or anything like that. She did, however, say that all the place has is a dishwasher. There’s no range, refrigerator, washer or dryer, and although it looks like it’s got brand-new sculpted carpet, she said it needs new carpet and paint. That seems a bit much for a relatively small house priced at 10K. But then we would be able to pick out what we wanted. I don’t care about the fridge or even the washer and dryer. I was keen on the idea of a combo washer and dryer but we heard those take forever, so a basic washer and dryer is enough. Just to have a washer and dryer – ANY washer and dryer – would be heaven. For years we had to go to Laundromats, then for years, we’ve had to hang clothes. Well, I’m sick of hanging clothes! Our portable washer isn’t that small and actually does a surprising amount. But I can’t do comforters in them and I miss being able to do those at home without having to go to a Laundromat. So a basic washer and dryer are fine. Same with the fridge. We don’t need ice makers or anything like that. We never use ice anyway.

I would, however, love a flat stovetop. That would be so much easier to clean! I HATE cleaning regular stovetops. We might have to get new cookware, but I don’t care. Except for our skillet, our pots and pans are kinda old. We’re not big on cooking, but we do use the stove at times. Not as much as the oven, but we do use it.

As for the carpet, I’d love to get right what they fucked up in Maricopa. I wanted champagne pink carpet, but they didn’t have any pinks. Just neutral colors and blue. So our pink champagne carpet ended up being denim blue. I’d take blue over neutrals, but I’d still prefer pink, lavender or mauve. Even sky blue would be okay.

I don’t know how much of the place has to be painted, but we’d probably hire someone to do it for us if it was that much.

The only other negative I remember was that the ceiling had cracks in it. This means that it either wasn’t set up right or the ground may’ve settled beneath it. She didn’t say it needed to be re-leveled, though.

Outside negatives are, well, I’m not sure about the street. It’s on a corner. The street actually wraps around the place. This is good as it keeps other houses and cars from parking on the left side of it as well as in back, but it could also be bad depending on how often loud vehicles traveled through it and how many mutts were out and about. The pet restrictions there means you can only have one dog, 20 pounds max. I’d still prefer a corner. It’s not as ideal a location as that older house that Tom went to see, but it’s still pretty good.

Another outside negative is the grass (which Andy thought was a hedge) between the places. We’re hoping it’s ours, but if not, that it belongs to the park instead of the neighbors to our right. If it belongs to the park then I should have a better idea of when they’re going to mow it as opposed to if it’s the neighbor’s.

the neighbor’s shed is on the other side of their house, but their porch is next to the place. It’s enclosed, but tell me they won’t be in it with the windows open most of the year AND with their mutt barking at every single sound it hears, and I’ll tell you you’re full of shit. Almost everyone has dogs that can have them, so I’d say that percentage-wise, chances are in the 90s that they’ll have a dog. They may not like having to have it as a pet as much as they’d like to turn it into a lawn ornament, but at least they’ll still have a dog. I’d prefer my rats to live in the living room. But if it was a case of no rats or rats living in the bedroom, I’d keep them in the bedroom if that was the only way I could have them. I LOVE my ratties.

Anyway, it could get a little noisy during the daytime when it wasn’t cold, raining or hot, but it shouldn’t be anything I couldn’t deal with. Even when a place isn’t “noisy” I do get distracted easily and I am a curious person. So if I hear something, I’ll lose my train of thought when writing and be like, what was that? Then I’ll want to go check it out. So I will probably have to run sound machines during the daytime depending on the weather. I still do worry about daytime sleeping and things like landscaping and delivery trucks that could override the sound machines.

There’s definitely no seclusion or privacy like there is here, but I’m not very outdoorsy anyway, and I don’t make a habit of parading around naked in front of open windows, not that I’d be much to look at.

Wax earplugs do block more sound than foam ones, but they don’t render you totally deaf, you can still feel vibrations, and I don’t exactly want to have to sleep with objects stuck in my ear. At least it would’ve been only one ear. My “fake” ear had been bothering me, and Tom could see lots of dead skin built up in it. We oiled it for several days and he was able to get some out. He’s always worried about hurting me, but most of it is scar tissue that has no feeling. I have some feeling toward the outer edge of the canal, but that’s about it.

So those are the negs of the house. The pros are that it’s built like a real house. A modern house. There would be outlets galore in the place, thicker, better-insulated windows, roofing and flooring. The place also has copper wiring, dual-paned windows and washerless faucets. What was a little weird was the shower curtain in the full bath. Starting in the 70s, sliding doors became the norm. Nothing we couldn’t install, though. I like the wood skirting instead of the flimsy aluminum skirting our other place had that sometimes blew away in the fierce winds. Love the solid, sturdy stairs leading to it instead of the cheap wooden stairs that broke at our other place. There are ceiling fans in the living room and I think one of the bedrooms has one, too. Here you can’t have ceiling fans cuz the ceiling is only 7’.

I still want to see the place even if it may not be perfect and even if it goes against my dreams. The few dreams I’ve had did suggest the color blue (this place is blue) or tan, but they also suggest a bigger place in Citrus Heights. The dreams also suggest he’d park on the right of it, not on the left. But not every single dream of mine means anything, so we’ll see. I’d really like to check it out. Yeah, it would cost us several grand to get the appliances, paint and carpet, but I think the low space rent and the house itself would make it worth it.

We agreed we want a “survivable” place should he ever be on unemployment again with absolutely zero savings. We’d probably get the same thing we got last time we were on unemployment - $1200 a month. We barely survived on that here with the rent being $825 and had to play pawn it and do all kinds of other things just to stay afloat. But there the space rent and utilities would equal less than just the rent here. If he kept making the kind of money he makes now, the monthly savings there would be like oh my freakin gawd. Close to 2K a month. OMG, just OMFG. That’d really help cuz when he retires we’re not going to make nearly as much. Probably only around 2K a month if even that, and by then things will be more expensive. But if we saved around 20K a year for 10 years we could be close to a quarter mil, OMG. OMFG.

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 17, 2013 Although my hives have faded, they still itch at times. Hydrocortisone cream wasn’t helping much either. So Tom picked up some Campho Phenique and Calamine lotion on the way home and while I haven’t used the Calamine lotion yet, the Campho Phenique has helped so far.

Lost a pound without even trying. I had my usual 1500 calories yesterday, though I did work out. I would’ve been down two pounds if I’d slept at night. I don’t lose weight in my sleep when I sleep during the daytime, though, so that’s why it was only a pound.

Bodybuilding takes forever as opposed to toning. When you bodybuild you have to do several sets, resting 5 minutes or so between them. The muscle must be worked to its absolute hardest till it breaks down and gives out from fatigue and strain. You know the term “getting ripped?” We really do tear the muscle fibers, which then build new layers of muscle, thus giving one that bulky, muscular look. With toning, you’re simply stretching the same layer of muscle taut instead of building layer upon layer of muscle, so you just quickly do one set of about 30 reps.

Aly agrees that someone else was acting along with Kim, and who knows how many other trolls there were? A part of me still misses Ask, though, despite the tons of immature assholes that live there. We’re both not surprised Carol was nice, but not much help. What did I expect her to say, after all? Something like: You’re right, my sister does have MPD and is totally fucked in the head. Here are the magic words to extinguish her from your life forever.

I think the “others” consisted of Molly, someone connected to Kim, and probably someone else altogether. While we agree that despite Kim’s knack for role-playing, it’s usually the same old shit from her. Quick sentences with lots of repetition and misspellings. Yet someone went out of their way to sound like Aly on Molly’s blog, and Kim just isn’t smart enough to write that well. As Aly said, she wouldn’t not say who she was if she had anything to say but has chosen not to so as not to give Molly false hope. Even Kathy thought the person might be Aly, though I suspected all along that it was someone pretending to seem like it was even though they never gave a name. She ought to install a tracker even if some folks may dodge it.

What I don’t get is why some people are so stupid and so blind. It was obvious as hell that it was Kim, along with some fellow group home members, who were picking on Molly. So why suspect me and others? Just to pick a fight? To get attention? Well, other than expressing my thoughts, feelings, theories and suspicions in this blog, they’re not going to get that attention. At least not from me or my friends. We wish them luck, hope they can move on, and that’s that. Period.

The one thing I’m going to miss about this trailer is being able to vent the warm air through the roof. Our swamp cooler doesn’t run through vents that go to each room but is a downdraft unit that blasts throughout the place. On warm days that aren’t warm enough for the cooler we just open the vents and let the heat rise up and out the cooler. Since we’ll be in a mobile home instead of a trailer, though, there’s no reason it would have a ceiling vent like this since it will probably have an AC. Plus, while it will have a tiled roof instead of a tin roof, there won’t be any attic. Attics, brick walls and slab foundations are some things I will always miss.

In last night’s dream, we were looking at parks and found that Jesse owned one of them. In other words, we just can’t escape that pest!

The night before last I dreamed of being in some weird jail. It had pools and the guards were lying on chaise lounges, but it was still disturbing. Being held someplace against my will, no matter what it may look like or be like, is never fun. I thought to myself in the dream how it sucks that I had several more months to go there and that if I couldn’t get unsupervised probation when I got out, I would skip that part altogether.

I haven’t broken any laws, so what is it with all these jail dreams? First it was hotels, then poverty, then jails. Well, to say I feel like I’m in jail here is certainly an exaggeration, but maybe they’re a reflection of my feeling like we’re going to be stuck here a lot longer than we’d like since he has so little free time. Again he had to work Saturday, and it’s so stupid too, cuz there’s so little work then that all he basically does is sit around and listen to music all day. But that’s another $160 or so in our pocket as long as they want to be dumb enough to pay someone $21 an hour to sit and listen to music.

Later…

I’m so pissed off for Mary right now whose only real crime in life is being too nice. So much so that some of the assholes of this world take advantage of it to harass her on and offline. Just wish she’d get a little angry for once. No, I wish she’d get furious. That way it may be easier for her to start fighting back. I know she would prefer to settle things peacefully, but sometimes that’s just not possible. Sometimes ignoring haters and trolls only makes them more determined to get at us, and sometimes you really do need to literally kick people off your ass. The person who she used to work with that got her fired when she complained on him for hitting on her lives in her area. Then they took the harassment onto the Internet, begging her to be her Valentine, and I don’t understand why she doesn’t do something about it, and well, here’s my reply to her message about the situation:

I totally hear you on ignoring the haters, but sometimes people won’t let us ignore them and that only makes them more persistent. I tried to ignore the sickos in AZ that had a hand in getting me jailed and look where that got me. What I don’t get is why you don’t beat the shit out of this guy that got you fired AND stalks you online. OMG, I’d be so pissed! C’mon, girl, he’s right under your nose! In your state. Maybe in your town. I’m only giving you this pep talk cuz I care about you and am sick of seeing men shit on you left and right, sis, so please don’t take it the wrong way. When are you going to stop being so damn nice and start fighting back??? I hate to say it, but sometimes we literally have to beat people off our asses. Sometimes words aren’t enough and neither is trying to turn the other cheek. Sometimes you just gotta fight to get what you deserve and what’s rightfully yours even if you don’t want to.

I could never kick someone’s ass for the fun of it, and there was nothing I could do about the AZ sickos cuz there were lots of them and just two of us. Plus they had serious law enforcement connections AND we’re living in a time when blacks and other “minorities” are automatically favored. So my little white, Jewish hands were kinda tied in that case (unless they ever hunted me down and tried to victimize me again). But I would be so fucking pissed if someone got me fired, then had the nerve to stalk me online. If it was just one person you BET I’d be beating them right out of my life. If the trolls (Kim and Molly) were within physical reach of me I’d fix it so they never harassed me again because they’d be too scared to even THINK of me let alone reach out to me or my friends. Well, most men aren’t going to report an attack from a woman because they’re going to be too embarrassed to, and if they do, well, you know how backward our laws are here. It’s the violent crimes that no one cares much about as opposed to what we say, think or write. You’d probably get little more than a slap on the wrist if even that, but if you had to do a few days (a few weeks at the utmost worst-case scenario), you get out of jail with this person in too much pain/fear to bother you.

This kid used to tease me about whatever in grammar school. I took it and took it till I one day got fed up and slugged the shit out of her. She never bothered me again. When I was being dragged through the legal mud by the freeloaders and their pig pal, I was interviewed. In the interview, I was asked, “Are you going to fight your case?” I thought it a bit of an odd question at the time and I so stupidly said “no,” thus sending the wrong message. In other words, I was really saying, “No, I’m not going to fight back. I’m going to just sit back and take whatever you dish at me, so go ahead and bully me away and take advantage of my being naïve to the law and take me for whatever you can.”

It’s not just about power and control where the law’s concerned, but about money as well. It’s a business, like it or not, and the way they make more money is to keep as many people in jail or on probation as they can.

You might be asking yourself what grammar school and court have to do with your case. Well, it does. It’s the same concept. You’re being bullied and you’re not doing anything about it. Okay, so ignoring the cock is doing something and that something is better than acknowledging his messages, but it may just not be enough, sis. I know you don’t have half the temper I do and that you are a sweet, calm, cool, mellow person but that’s what they’re preying on! It’s not your fault and you’re not responsible for their actions, but sometimes I think you’re just too damn nice and just like a vicious dog that preys on fear, these cocks are preying on your niceness. Well, nice doesn’t deserve to be shit on! Get out there and take care of this cock right, Mary, cuz chances are it’s not going away. Sometimes a polite smile and a “No thank you,” isn’t enough to ward off the advances of these sickos which then turns into harassment cuz these emotionally weak babies can’t handle rejection, move on, and realize there are other fish in the sea. Yeah, it sucks to not get who you want. I went through that before I met Tom, but I was smart enough to know you can’t make someone want you.

Anger and attitude are everything when it comes to these cocks, and yes, with the exception of Tom (he’s such a rare breed and I still don’t know how I got so lucky to nab him) and very few others, I am proudly sexist. Sometimes we really do make our own haters just by our behavior. No one told me to hate guys in general. Their own behavior is what got me to hate them. I know who we’re attracted to has nothing to do with what we think of them, but I sometimes find it hard to believe most guys are in fact straight with the way so many of them shit on women.

Like I said, sometimes being polite, kind and softspoken won’t work and you’ve got to literally stare these cocks in the eye and scream, “Enough is enough! Back the fuck off!” If that doesn’t work, you need to take it to the next step. Just stop being so nice, kind and only getting annoyed or irritated. It’s time to get pissed! Anger can be just as productive as it can be destructive. I forget what country it was in, but in one of the twisted middle eastern countries that treat women and kids like shit, the women got so damn fed up with the abuse that they got tired of running scared and inviting more shit they didn’t deserve or ask for. So they all banned together and grabbed everything they could possibly use as a weapon against them and they took care of them.

You’re not just sparing yourself more headaches if you take care of this cock but other potential victims as well. You once said that if you could help just one person you’d be thrilled. Avoiding these types of cocks in the first place might’ve been more what you had in mind, but I think that if more women started taking a stand for themselves and started fighting back and defending themselves, the more these cocks might think twice before they pick on women as they are taught that sometimes they really can pick on the wrong women. Violence against men is said to be up and things are slowly evening out, but very slowly. Sometimes there’s just no reasoning with or ignoring these sick fucks and you gotta get a little physical. If you take care of him, he’s not going to want you to be his Valentine anymore, that’s for sure. I really hope to hell he does back off and doesn’t know where you live, but I have a feeling it’s not going to stop, even if you ignore him. Go to his house, meet him outside of work, or arrange to meet him somewhere and get him out of your life for good! If you don’t feel you’re fit enough or angry enough to do it with your hands, there are things like stun guns and mace that can temporarily disable the cock long enough to do enough damage to drill the message into its skull. Try to punch the throat. The cock will choke and it doesn’t take a hard punch at all. Throats crush like cardboard boxes. I’d be tempted to take care of him for you myself that’s how much these cocks piss me off, but the sooner you learn to do so yourself, the better. Independence is important.

The time to deal with these types of cocks is while you are still young, thin and pretty because that’s when they’re going to be coming at you. Me, I’m too old for anyone to be crushing on me enough to pester me in that way and I can’t say I’m not glad. While I wasn’t in the habit of paying much attention to men in the first place before I met Tom I never got the types of shitheads you’ve been unfortunate enough to get. You know why? Cuz I’m the bitch they know won’t take their shit, sis. You don’t have to go around being rude or defensive and all that, but I think it’s time to toughen up and lose some of that niceness, particularly when things start getting out of hand. It’s your life and no one can tell you how to live it and what to do. I just hate to see such a sweetheart like yourself get shit on so damn much. You’ve had enough! Just like I’ve had enough and fully plan to fight back if I am ever again victimized, though I sure as hell hope I never am to the vicious, life-altering extremes that I was in Arizona. I TOTALLY TOTALLY understand what you went through being legally screwed like you were and my heart broke for you. I cried the day the judge reneged on the immunity deal and I KNEW years in advance that that would happen to you. No matter what any law, lawyer, judge or pig promised me – even if it was in writing – I would never buy it.

Many people told me that while I had every right to be angry, I should just move on and not take it personally cuz a lot of people get screwed over and I wasn’t alone. Well, move on was all I could do since nothing could change, undo or compensate for what I went through, but how do you not “take that personally?” And a victim is a victim no matter how many others there may be, so it doesn’t matter if I was alone or not. Lie detectors are said to be pretty damn foolproof, but there’s no way, then or now, that I could get those involved in screwing me to undergo a little date and interview with one of these things, which is too bad. That’d tell the truth right there if what I heard about these tests is true. They’re supposed to be damn near impossible to beat. So if that’s true – voila! There are your answers as to who victimized who and who the real perps were.

Back in Estrella, you and I were just two victims of the same legal abuse as we sat on our bunks munching on our commissary, listening to the radio, writing in our journals, and having a crush on Palma, hahaha. Wonder if fucking “Teddy Bear” has been fired by now.

But yes, I know what you’re going through. The courts and media bought everything those assholes said, lie after lie, and no one ever questioned their integrity. Had they been white it never would’ve happened, though I probably would have still gotten shafted somewhat cuz they had kids and I didn’t. But instead of verifying the stories they told the media, they just printed whatever they said. Anything they told them was automatically believed because I was white, Jewish and childless, but mostly cuz I was white/Jewish. The reverse discrimination has been an issue since the late 80s, early 90s and I wonder when it will ever be dealt with accordingly or if it ever will. They took their word for it no matter what lies they told, and no one ever said to them, “Well, Ms. S may not be perfect, but don’t you think that maybe you provoke people a bit? If it’s true you lost your housing due to complaints, isn’t that YOUR problem? Shouldn’t you have thought about this before you went into that neighborhood and drove people who were there first batshit crazy by not even allowing them to hear themselves think half the time?” Had they said I tried to ax them into little bitty pieces that too, would’ve been believed and printed. I’m not going to get into it, but they broke the law against us too, by prank-calling us and slipping sexual notes in our mailbox slot. You know God always protects my perps and this is part of why I Hate him so much.

Sorry to make this rant so damn long, but I felt I had to get this out and stress to you that I not only know what it’s like to be victimized, even if it’s sometimes in similar yet different ways, and encourage you to fight back. You DON’T have to take this shit, sis. Especially since he’s not in Texas and Connecticut where my trolls are. If a fly annoys us, we swat it. Time to see people in a similar light, girl, and swat the human fly that just keeps buzzing around your head!

Women can’t beat every man just like every man can’t beat every woman, but usually, it’s only the women who are smart enough to know and acknowledge this fact. Yeah, fighting is more about anger and determination, than size and gender, but you do have the element of surprise in your favor, thanks to their arrogance. Most men don’t think a woman can or would even think of taking them. So if a petite woman goes up against a 6-foot guy who’s 200 pounds or more, he’s lax, confident, unworried and unprepared. This gives her the advantage as opposed to if he was expecting it, tense and ready for action.

I’ve never taken classes in self-defense or karate, though I’d love to. I think it would be fun, especially karate. Anyway, as much as I just love to come across as a crazy, mean, scary tough bitch, I would never harm anyone that wasn’t trying to harm me, my husband or our stuff. If I went after them for any other reason, I would have to be so utterly furious and have damn good reason to do so. If someone got Tom fired and then ran home to pick on him in cyberspace, I would definitely want to meet with this person. Just not at our place so our stuff didn’t get broken in the squabble. Might be easier to cry self-defense that way, though, if it ever went to court, unless they weren’t white.

Later…

Mary said her PO is on top of the situation with the cock that’s been harassing her, and she tells people these days when things aren’t right. This is good to know. I didn’t know the PO knew about it, but I guess he would. After all, the cock did get her fired. She said she took screenshots of the messages and that the police would be notified if need be. Good, let’s see if they can actually do her some good for once. But she says she highly doubts things will escalate and that he’s probably just a guy with a big ego that’s never been rejected before.

Maliheh’s current profile pic shows her playing the guitar as a kid. She was around 10-12, I’d say. I would never guess in a million years that it was her. I know she’s gotten at least most of my messages and she is online regularly enough, and well, I’m getting a little fed up and more convinced she only befriended me and is “keeping the peace,” so to speak, to get and keep her name out of my books and blog. So next time I message her which will be to send her journal entries (except this paragraph) from the last half of February, I’m going to tell her that if her heart isn’t in us continuing our friendship - fine, just please tell me. I will respect her wishes and let her go. I don’t want to bother with someone who doesn’t care or want to bother with me. One-sided relationships of any kind aren’t my thing.

I read that we never dream of strangers because the human brain can’t invent images of new people, so it draws them from memory. Even if they’re people we only met once or twice, they are hidden away in our minds. So the “dream people” are real? LOL

A promising listing came out yesterday. A modern single-wide (though it looks like a double-wide) for 10K. It’s a 2-bed/2bath. This place here is 10’ wide/50’ long. This 1999 Skyline (same age as the 21-square-foot monster doublewide Palm Harbor we had in Arizona) is 20’ wide and 52’ long. Just over 1000 square feet and totally ideal for us. Not too much extra space to have to clean, heat and cool. Also, the space rent is just $535.

The negatives are that it’s here in Auburn, which would mean Tom would still have kind of a long drive to work, and there’s no pool in the park it’s in. I like how it’s on a corner, though, with a street running in back of it, and a spot for parking RVs in front of it. At first that turned me off, as I didn’t want so many large and loud vehicles driving by, but Tom said they don’t live in the things and drive them in and out much. They just park them there till they want to go on vacation somewhere. I also like that the streets are a bit wider in this place and the homes aren’t right on the street. The only other negative is the strip of grass between us and the neighbors, who wouldn’t park alongside us, which I’d prefer very much. If it’s our grass, fine. If it’s theirs I’d have to sleep in the bedroom that wasn’t on that side of the house.

Got a couple of rainy days this week. Good. Maybe they’ll shut the Jes pest up, who just had to go engine gunning yesterday on and off for a half-hour. A half-hour may not seem like much, but it’s a long half-hour when it’s that annoying. Wonder what shit I’ll have to listen to today? I’ll turn the sound machine on once its prime time rolls around.

I forgot to add yesterday that I don’t buy Kim’s sister saying she didn’t have online access for a while. Oh, she might not have been able to get to a desktop or a laptop, but she still has a cell phone.

Gotta work out even though I’m not in the mood. Thought today I’d run at 4MPH for 5 minutes, jump off the treadmill and work my abs for 5 minutes, run another 5 minutes, work my arms for 5 minutes, then run another 5 minutes. So I get a good variety of cardio and strength training in 25 minutes.

Back an hour later. Had a great workout, and it was nice to be able to shower afterward and not stink of bleach. I still prefer to shower every day like most people, so until the Jes pest goes and fucks up the tanks again, I’ll enjoy my daily showers.

Yay, Pandora Radio now has unlimited song skipping. Maybe once we move I’ll go for a year’s subscription, which would up the audio quality and ban the ads.

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 16, 2013 I wasn’t going to write about my chat with Carol about her sister Kim in public, but I have nothing bad to say about Carol, after all, and nothing I can say about Kim hasn’t already been said before. So since I’m not posting any sensitive info or anything like that, I’m not doing anything wrong.

I agree with half of what Carol told me. She doesn’t think Kim has harassed me. She says Kim went crying to her about someone pretending to be her, and Carol believes it was someone else who harassed me and was impersonating Kim. She says she didn’t even have online access for a few weeks. She wished me luck with the situation and pointed out that it’s easy to pretend to be others online.

Yeah, I know it is. But I don’t doubt for an instant that Kim did indeed truly harass me at times. And others. It was too obvious. I will, however, admit that I have oftentimes wondered and even suspected that someone else could’ve been playing around along with her, though I don’t know who. Maybe it was more than one person, too. Almost anyone could’ve gotten a hold of my ask.fm link and so the possibilities are endless. They range from total strangers to old acquaintances to close friends that I’d least suspect.

As I told Carol, though, whose input I really did appreciate even if she doesn’t realize that her sister isn’t 100% innocent, that I have since made it harder for Kim to contact me. I have left Ask and have tweaked my friend-add settings so that only friends of friends can add me.

I told her that while I’d never be Kim’s friend again, I did want to understand what made her tick. Well, she didn’t answer my questions about whether or not she has MPD as I’ve often wondered, or if something traumatic happened to her to set her off balance, but Kim IS heavily obsessed with role-playing. She’s not only admitted this herself, but I’m not the only one who has actually witnessed her obsession with this sort of thing. Others have seen her in action, too.

I also told her that I could forgive what her sister has done to me in the past so long as she leaves me alone. I just worry that she’s too crazy – or at least too obsessed with me – to ever let go. Meanwhile, for the sake of looking out for my friends so as to keep them from getting involved and caught up in her shit or whoever else’s shit that may’ve been involved, I’ve got to keep my Formspring account secret and limit contact and access to my friends and I.

If she’s truly innocent of some of the things I’ve accused her of or suspected her of, I’m sorry. I truly am. But why does she continue to read my blogs every single day?

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 15, 2013 Haven’t heard much from Andy and hopefully that’s because he’s been busy being showered with all kinds of fun and presents for his birthday.

I still have lots to write about but was just too beat yesterday, even though I was up forever and thought I would never get to sleep. I was up for something like 18 hours. I crashed at 7am and woke up at noon. I didn’t think I’d be able to fall back asleep for a while there, but then I ended up sleeping on and off till 5:30 that’s how exhausted I was between the slight – and yes it’s still slight – stress of seeing the eye doctor and having to short my sleep for two weeks straight.

I was mistaken in saying one of my glasses cases had a fuzzy tiger print. It’s actually a leopard print. They had zebra and leopard prints and so I chose the leopard.

I was also mistaken in the times of the serial tonometry on the 27th. I gotta go in at 8:30, 11:45 and 5:15.

Tom said that if I wanted to get designer frames that cost hundreds of dollars, go right ahead, but I never saw the point in that when the cheaper frames are just as nice and just as effective. It’s like buying a newer car and having to make monthly payments on it. Why do that when you can buy a used car outright that’s got everything you need, plus what you want, and is just as comfortable but without the monthly payments?

From what I read I can’t possibly have glaucoma. Glaucoma doesn’t cause ocular hypertension, but OH can cause glaucoma. That’s why they want to monitor me. Rapid fluctuations in pressure throughout the day is a potential indicator of trouble on the horizon, but I’m not worried. Just annoyed. It’s just one more hassle to have to deal with when I still have other doctors to see and dental work to finish up with. I don’t want doctors’ offices to be my “second home.” Yet it has been a fear of mine for many years that once we were one day insured again – if we ever were – God would sic all kinds of problems on me once we had the insurance to help deal with them. Just showing His hate, I guess. But yeah, I feared He would want to give me problems that wouldn’t kill me, but that would be a bitch to deal with. That’s okay, though, cuz I don’t have to deal with anything I don’t want to deal with unless it’s life-threatening.

I asked Becky how things got so bad for her so fast. Since she’s always had eye problems and has been monitored regularly, I just wonder why they weren’t able to prevent her vision loss. My doctor said that as soon as he suspects something’s up and that glaucoma could be setting in, he’ll give me eye drops. This will drop the pressure.

When he was showing me pics of my eyes, he showed me pics of someone diagnosed with macular degeneration and someone with glaucoma. The shapes and colors of certain things within their eyes showed no comparison to mine, so that was good to see.

Nane’s soon to be off for a week in TR which feels like a month to me. LOL, yeah, I’ll miss her but I’ll survive. I’ll decorate her wall and inbox for her so she’ll have plenty of goodies to come home to.

Later…

I’m still struggling with deciding whether or not to deactivate my Facebook account. Messages are still not always being sent or received and FB refuses to do anything about it. All my complaints to them have gone unanswered. I guess they figure that since its members don’t pay a fee and FB has millions of dollars, why bother fixing bugs? Well, FB definitely doesn’t give a damn about its members, that’s for sure, and it’s not just the messages that are fucked up. The privacy breaches are so constant that I wonder if they do it deliberately as some sort of twisted joke. My pics that I have set to friends only are anything but friends only. It’s the same stuff the public can view on Photobucket, but I’d like to be the one to decide what’s public and what’s not, thank you, not others. But anyone who sues them doesn’t get shit. It’s the lawyers that make all the money. Those that got screwed only get a few bucks.

No site has had more bugs and other shit on it than FB, though I have yet to find a site that hasn’t had at least some problems. I never understood this either. There’s nothing complex about running software and shit like that and there’s no reason it shouldn’t just work and simply function as it was meant to function. Yet the bigger FB gets, the more fucked up they get, too. You would think by now that people would learn to stop with the constant changes. That’s part of what fucks things up. Why can’t people just leave things alone? That’s why I love sites like MO and MD. There is so little change there. They’ve had their problems, but they get fixed, unlike FB which just lets things stay broken.

While it’s frustrating as hell to not be able to use half of FB’s features and to see my message to someone appear and not read, just to learn they did read it and they also replied, really pisses the shit out of me. And while I’d normally dump the site in a heartbeat like I did with thoughts.com, it’s a little easier said than done thanks to Nane and becoming closer with some of my family.

Speaking of family, friends and Facebook, I’ve been thinking – and wondering – about those I’m hearing less and less from and who haven’t added me on FB despite seeming to be pretty regular enough there. Yes, I’m talking about Maliheh. She has claimed to care about me and says she considers me a friend and her a friend to me. I know I should tell myself that she’d tell me if she had issues with me, but it’s hard to feel all that close to her at this point. If one’s heart simply isn’t in our friendship, I hope they know they can just say the word and I will let them go. If anyone knows what it’s like to be tailed by those I’d rather not associate with, it’s me. So as soon as she gets brave enough to admit how she truly feels – if that is in fact how she feels – and lets me know why it is she’s come to feel the way she does, we can move on if that’s what she prefers. No one is obligated to remain in my life. Well, except for Tom, of course. Seriously, though, when I hardly hear from people and they only let me into part of their world I get a little suspicious at times and wonder – is something wrong with them? Or is it me that’s the problem? Well, I think I’ve been a good friend, so if anything’s wrong, even if I can’t help, I can at least listen and be a sounding board, can’t I?

I definitely find that I’m less hungry if I eat smaller amounts more often instead of larger amounts less often. I don’t know if I’ll lose weight, but I shouldn’t gain as easily this way.

Later…

Still weighing the pros and cons of various things I could do about Facebook. I could dump my account entirely. I could dump what’s not private that’s supposed to be and hope nothing else gets exposed that shouldn’t be exposed. I could have the public account I’d prefer to have, figuring things would just get exposed anyway. I could dump this account and create another account that’s not searchable, though that account would be just as buggy. I know I could keep in touch with people via email, but email simply isn’t the same. It’s so much easier to post pics and links to groups of people than to send them to them individually. I guess for now I’ll continue to just use whatever part of FB that FB will let me use.

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 14, 2013 Today’s eye appointment didn’t go well, but I’m still more annoyed than I am worried at this point till we know for sure what’s causing the ocular hypertension, which has worsened a bit. He isn’t ready to say it’s glaucoma, which can take years to diagnose, but he can say I’m definitely at risk if we don’t keep an eye on the situation (pardon the pun). Things like stress and weight aren’t a factor, though as my husband swears, I’m not fat, LOL. Yeah, we fitness freaks are certainly a lot heavier than we look. Everyone thinks I’m 115-120, so they are surprised to learn I’m 143… until they see my shoulder/arm muscles, calves and ab knots. Both times I’ve been to this eye place I’ve worn long sleeves and pants, though.

When they measure one’s eye pressure with the puff of air they blow into each eye, anything under 20 is considered normal eye pressure. I was in the upper 20s a couple of weeks ago and now I’m in the low 30s. My niece was at 58, which is way high and damaged her optic nerve. But he assured me that my optic nerve looked fine and didn’t even start me on eye drops just yet. I have a “freckle” in one eye, but my macular spot looks okay, along with the veins and arteries. The tissue around the center of the optic nerve is good, but my corneas are a bit on the thick side. This might have a role in the upped pressure, but we don’t know yet what the story is. He feels confident he can prevent me from losing any vision, peripheral or center, but if it ever did start to become serious it may be 5 or so years before it did.

On the 27th, I have to return for a serial tonometry. This means that at 8am, 11am, and 3pm I have to stop in for pressure testing where they blow a puff of air in my eyes. He may also want to do the other tests he does where he puts numbing drops in my eyes, then something on the lids that looked almost like a bottle of nail polish with a brush that made these beeping sounds when he held this strange device up to them. The blast of air causes me to jump. It’s just a natural reflex action. But he says that’s okay cuz by the time I jump or blink they’ve got the reading.

The reason I’ll have to have the serial tonometry is that our eye pressure fluctuates during the day, from high to low. I casually mentioned not getting up till 1:30, just a couple of hours before he tested me. He said he was glad I pointed that out and made a notation in my folder. That’s when I hesitantly told him I have a rare sleep disorder known as non-24-hour sleep/wake cycle and he was actually glad I mentioned it. I thought to myself, Glad? That’s a refreshing breath of fresh air after dealing with those who don’t want to hear it or don’t buy it, LOL. There will always be people out there who haven’t heard of it or don’t get it and will insist I’m “lazy” or fallen into a “bad habit,” or am making this up cuz I don’t have the balls to say I don’t want to work outside of the house.

He asked me if I had sleep apnea. Fortunately not and I hope to hell I never do, cuz a friend has it and it’s a pretty damn terrifying thing to have! My case is frustrating as hell and makes life hard, but it’s not scary in any way. It was hard as hell keeping the same schedule going for so long so it will be nice to fall asleep when I’m ready to, instead of having to take melatonin supplements or Benadryl or drink a couple of wine coolers like I did the last 4 nights. I’m just not into drinking. But it did help relax me a bit. It will also be nice not to have to wake up to a damn alarm. For some reason, I can keep this schedule going longer than I can the ideal one, the one I wish I could keep going. If I could I’d sleep from 11pm - 7am.

Back on topic – the assistant took pics of the eyes. The flash was very bright but didn’t hurt. Then the doc showed them to me on his computer monitor and explained what was what. He was nice enough to let Tom in the room so I didn’t have to try to remember everything to repeat to him later, and I was a touch nervous. To me dealing with eyes is like Tom dealing with teeth. In other words, we don’t unless we have no choice. If I didn’t need glasses in the first place, I’d never know I had elevated pressure unless I did go blind.

I didn’t realize you could lose peripheral vision but that explains why they do that test where you stare at crossbars in the center of a screen and click every time you see a white dot at various places around the sides. There are also different kinds of glaucoma, but again, he isn’t ready to say that’s what it is cuz he’s not sure yet. They don’t really know everything that can cause it, but they do know that heart problems and diabetes can cause it. These things run in my family, but I’m healthy as far as I know, so we’ll just have to wait and see. As I also said, I’m more annoyed than worried, but when you’ve had plenty of dream premonitions and you recently had one about going blind, it gets a little creepy. Can’t deny that much. In reading back through my journals to publish old stuff I’m amazed at just how many dream premonitions I’ve had that I totally forgot about like the “white-out” dream. Most dreams that end up coming true come true within just days of the dream, but some do occur months, even years before they come true. I had bad dreams right before our lovely government stopped his unemployment, but a whole year and a half before that, I dreamt he got a letter in the mail saying the government was going to “white us out.”

We both picked up our new glasses while we were there. Tom started off nearsighted, then his eyes improved as they changed shape as they do with age, but will eventually be farsighted like me. When you’re farsighted, first you can’t see close up, then you can’t see shit. It was so frustrating having to keep switching glasses in the store – my “faraways” so I could see where the hell I was going, and then my reading glasses so I could read labels and stuff like that. So having my new bifocals is wonderful! I still hate to wear glasses of any kind, but I think contacts would be an even bigger hassle for me, not that I have the guts to stick objects in my eyes.

He just got one pair for driving with a dull gray colored case, and I got a pink case for my bifocals and a fuzzy tiger print case for my reading glasses. Both have no nose pads. Definitely can’t use the bifocals for the computer. With a 21” monitor I’d have to keep tilting my head back which is a pain, so single visions are definitely best for that while bifocals are best for going out.

Despite the circumstances, it was nice to get out. I may be a homebody, but after a week the fresh air and change of pace were nice. We grabbed some KFC on the way home and the rats got a sample of everything. Not much chicken, though, cuz protein isn’t good for rodents. They’d still eat a greasy steak, have chocolate for dessert, and chase it all down with a beer if they could, without a care in the world as to how bad it may be for them, LOL. But they’re one of the toughest animals around when you consider that it takes 3 more times the amount of poison to kill them than humans, can live in radiated areas, and can fall dozens of feet with no problem. The 15’ fall that broke my upper arm would be nothing to them.

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 13, 2013 Kathy got a Dot Jones friend request too, yesterday (what a surprise!) though she never denied or accepted it. She too, noticed it soon disappeared. I’ll be sure to mention in my blog which I’m also sure Kim’s reading every single day, that I’m sick of “invisible” friend requests and will disallow them if need be. Maybe that’ll get her to knock it off.

Working at a place that makes and sells cotton candy is nothing a prankster like myself could ever do without giving in to the temptation of replacing the candy with just cotton and having fun watching the suckers try to spit the shit out, hahaha.

Counting our checking, savings, 401K, credit card and whatever else we’ve got money in, our savings isn’t far at all from 5 figures. Damn! Just damn.

I slept surprisingly well last night, from around 4am or 5am to 1:30. Starting at 8am, though, I woke up every single hour until I got up. It was just because, though, and only for a few minutes.

Instead of dreaming of Nane like crazy last night, it was Andy. First I was visiting him and he was showing me a cluster of 5 or 6 houses that he and various family members owned. Then he was visiting us (our place was big enough to have a spare bedroom), and I crept into his room to hang something in the closet, figuring he hadn’t had time to fall asleep yet. But instead, I woke him up and he was pissed.

I forgot the last dream, but I know there was one more dream he was in.

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 12, 2013 I came in my sleep, though I don’t remember having any wet dreams. I’ve had dreams about cumming, but I think this is the first time I actually did cum in my sleep, or maybe it’s just the first time I remembered it. At first, I wasn’t sure if that throbbing down there, which often occurs when I cum, was real or not, but the slickness down there when I went to wipe after I got up and peed, confirmed that no, it wasn’t just a dream. Tom said this happens to him every now and then too, so it’s not like it’s abnormal or anything. Glad I’m not a guy or else then I may’ve woken up to wonder if something was wrong with my bladder if I discovered a wet bed but didn’t remember getting off at all.

Kim is still proving that she just can’t let go and is making me wonder if she’ll ever accept that our friendship ended forever last June and will move on. Apparently, she’s taking notice of Aly’s celebrity “likes” on Facebook (which is glitchier than hell) and creating fan pages for these people to then friend both her and I with.

I got a friend request from “Dot Marie J” and right away I knew Kim was behind it even though I didn’t know who that was. I don’t watch TV. Aly confirmed Kim was/is a fan of Glee which is the show this woman’s on. The Dot that Aly “liked” was actually created by another friend of hers.

As soon as I went to reject and then block the account, it disappeared. Not before I could see that “Dot” was following both Aly and I, though. I figured that like Aly and Kathy have, I would eventually get add requests in celebrity or bogus names. If it becomes a regular thing I’ll disallow friend requests. I’m sure she’s reading every single journal post I make public and watching for me on Ask, too. Probably even drives herself crazy trying to find me on Formspring.

The fact that she harasses someone working with the FBI tells me how little she cares about herself. Either that or she realizes that while what she’s doing is wrong, she knows she hasn’t quite crossed the line into anything illegal. It’s one of those things where technically it is illegal to stalk someone even online, but at the same time, she’s not doing anything illegal by making unwanted contact, since the contact hasn’t contained any threats or anything like that. Still, I wonder if she’d actually get off on being arrested and dragged into court for harassing us, knowing that she was getting the negative attention she craves. Some people are just sick like that.

It’s just frustrating trying to get people to stop “liking” my cover photos so they don’t fall prey to this sicko, only to see them continue to comment and like them. I guess they either don’t read all my posts, or they don’t mind or think they’ll get cyberstalked. Oh well. Can’t say I didn’t try to warn people.

My mail.com addy stopped bouncing, so I guess it really did have to do with a problem on their end and not mine, after all. First I thought other email providers blocked mail.com, then I thought I was the one who was blocked, but now I see it was mail.com, my least favorite, provider along with Gmail, that was the problem.

I wasn’t thrilled to experience a power outage 4 hours into my sleep. Why is it always 4 hours that bad things tend to happen? Why not 3 or 6? I actually woke up just because at around 9:30 and thought how wonderful it’d be if I could get up then. But before I knew it I was drifting back off to sleep until the sudden silence woke me up when the power failure stopped the sound machine and fan a half-hour later.

I then called up to Jesse who said he didn’t have any power either and while I had him on the phone I asked if I could get him to back off on the bleach. He admitted he put too much in and said that it should be fine in a day or two. It was already much better when I took my shower a few hours ago.

So I stuck a foam earplug in my good ear and got back into bed. An hour later the power came back on. I didn’t want to fall back asleep, but did anyway. I dreamt of Nane like crazy, though nothing too wet. It was so nice, though, cuz it was so real. Seemed that way anyway. I visited her and we spent a lot of time chatting and cuddling. She didn’t live in a fourth-floor apartment like she does in real life in all the dreams. In one she had a house in a rural setting. You could see sprawling green hills for miles with an occasional house here and there.

Didn’t get up till 2:30, which will only make crashing tonight even harder, but oh well. In just two more days I should be alarm-free for a while. It will be nice to wake up on my own for the first time in weeks. It’s not like I could take Sundays off like Tom can, but here’s where the mixed emotions about working at home come in. I’d still work out of the house if I could even if I didn’t like my job or coworkers, but in cases like this I’m glad to be a work-at-homer and an old-fashioned housewife.

I’m worried about Tammy right now. Had to boot up my Mac for the first time in ages due to the power failure, but Macs boot up way faster than Windows computers do. I had trouble restoring sound at first, so I couldn’t play her VM from my email and had to boot the MJ and hear it there. I was shocked and worried about how horrible she sounded. Her voice sounds old, tired, strained and harsh as hell. I’m amazed she could breathe well enough to even talk. She said it was easier, though, than leaving messages on FB since she’s basically been bedridden. She was rushed to the hospital by ambulance from her doctor’s last Friday and was just released. What’s scary and frustrating is that they still don’t know what’s going on. Nurses are at the house daily and she’s having all kinds of tests, but I guess they misdiagnosed her twice and are totally stumped as to why she’s so ill.

I just know, as I said before, that if she dies I’m REALLY going to be worried. Family death curses do exist. Look at Larry and Sandy’s kids. With one killed in a car accident less than a month before it was due to be born and another killed in a trucking accident, it’s obvious something was after their kids.

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 11, 2013 Forget thoughts of letters or verbal words about how much Jesse annoys and even pisses me off at times! What I wanted to do to him at 5:00 this morning had nothing to do with words, written or oral!

I didn’t crash till around 3:30 and when the stench of bleach woke me up less than two hours later when Tom hit the shower, I was anything but pleased. It took me an hour to fall back asleep. I had to take a Benadryl to help relax me and calm the itching of my hives. They’ve faded quite a bit but still itch at times.

When I got up I called Jesse but got no answer. It seems he once did say that Mondays weren’t good for him. I’ll get ahold of him soon enough and demand that he back off the shit. It’s way too much. It stinks and stings my eyes, too. I just hope he doesn’t go waking me up between now and my Thursday appointment. Then again, I probably won’t sleep well on Friday either because it’ll be getting up to 66° and you know trailers get hot as easily as they get cold. So I’ll have to get up to play fan and window in the middle of my sleep.

I thought how neat it would be if I could post every single entry I wrote on a particular date and have all my old journals posted in a month, but that would be way too much work proofreading-wise. Besides, it took me an hour and a half just to post the 70 or so entries I posted last night, and that was after they’d been screened. I fell a few months short, though, but if I do them before midnight, I will have every entry made on the 11th of every month that I wrote between the years 1987-2013.

Exchanged a few messages with my niece Jennifer which was very nice. She writes very well and has made quite a life for herself and her son. At first I was bothered by the idea of my nieces getting a total percentage of money higher than my own, but now I’m like eh, enjoy it.

Later…

Strange how I never got a call back from Jesse. Last I knew, even though he’s too lazy and stupid to set up voice messaging, he can at least see who’s calling him, so my number should’ve appeared on his phone. It has before, and he then returns the call when he can. Maybe the influencer’s anger got him into another accident after all. Still, I don’t like not being called back. What if we had an emergency? He better not come down here and wake me up before my alarm goes off tomorrow either!

Tom said he didn’t think the water smelled that bleachy at all, but my nose has always been sharper than his. Being born half deaf makes your other senses stronger, and with the exception of my eyes nowadays, my sense of smell, taste and touch is very keen.

Molly’s paranoia has caused her to lash out at Alison on Facebook where she could’ve sworn she had her blocked. Well, it’s not just about paranoia; it’s about hoping to pick a fight and get the negative reaction she craves. She said she “knew” that either she or myself were the ones harassing her on her blog. Aly, like me, doesn’t care what she thinks and refuses to give her the attention she wants. She doesn’t need to defend herself anyway. Like me, we know who it is. It’s Kim and other people at the group home Molly lives in. Molly would know this too, if she’d just install tracking on her blog, which she’s gone and deleted like she always does after a handful of entries, although Kim would probably disable cookies or use a proxy.

This entry will not be made public because I too, don’t want to give Molly the satisfaction of reading about herself here, and because I’m going to discuss Jen in more detail. She seems like she’s turned out to be a very smart, articulate and goal-oriented woman who knows what she wants and does all she can to achieve it. She works hard to support herself and her son, Dante, with her nursing career.

I was a little sad to hear she was pregnant at just 16 as I have always been big on being anti-teen pregnancy. Even our 20s is kind of young, and well, after seeing so many people have kids that are either too young or too fucked up or both, I just hate to see people throw their lives away and end them when they’re still kids themselves. Waste of youth, waste of life, as I always did say. But Sandy and my brother would have been the type to allow her to have the child whereas my own parents would have forced me to abort or adopt it out if I was too late for an abortion. As hurt as I may’ve been, that would have been one of the few cases where my parents would have been right to make me give the kid up so I could go on living, finish my childhood, and then become an adult and make my own decisions. Not that all adults necessarily get to make their own decisions at times as opposed to fate. I believe, however, that Jen is a good, loving, caring and devoted mother. Larry may’ve been absent a lot and an insensitive hypocrite, but he and Sandy were nothing like my parents or sister, and so Jen would’ve turned out okay and had better examples set for her. If my other 3 nieces ever have kids then I might be a little worried, even if they waited till they were 40.

We discussed our feelings about Larry and my parents and Jen understands and also has her own share of mixed emotions. She said she feels terrible for the abuse my siblings and I went through and hopes that we can find peace amongst the scars we bear. I think that while I will always be angry and never forgive those that have abused me, I have healed and risen above their shit. Why? Cuz that’s all one can do in my case. Doesn’t mean I won’t always have bad memories, it just means I’ve moved on and accepted that what happened can never be changed.

For a while, I couldn’t stand to look at my parents’ pictures. But now I can look at them and know they’re just a cruel, nasty memory and nothing more. God can still hate me and God can still send others to harm me, but it can never be those two. Those two can never ever hurt me again. For now, all I can do is hope that if I don’t learn any more answers in this life, I’ll learn them in the next if there is one. Unless all the events in my life were random (Tom thinks they were cuz everyone’s lives are different with no set pattern or sense of logic/order) I hope God will one day tell me why He has hated me for so much of my life.

Although she first told me she never asked for or received anything, Jen did admit that Larry was adamant about her having some old table for sentimental reasons, which is fine with me. I could care less about material things. She also got some pictures, too. What was kind of surprising was that she didn’t know about Walter or that she was to be getting any money. She said she hoped I wouldn’t take it wrong and admits she was no granddaughter to them any more than they were grandparents to her being so far away for most of her life, but that if that’s what they willed, then the money is rightfully hers. She’s right, I told her, it is. I told her it pissed me off at first, but now I am just grateful for my share since we are trying to buy a house, after all.

Although she doesn’t agree with all her father’s decisions, her heart aches for the loss of him, and he was the only male figure in her son’s life, too. You know how most guys are - don’t want anything to do with their own kid, don’t want a woman who already has a kid. Too bad too, as Jen is a tall, slim and lovely young woman with a good heart and no doubt much to offer.

As I told her, I understand her concerns with what I may say about the family in my journal and that is something I always considered when deciding to go public with it. I compromised with myself on that one. I don’t hold back if I’m upset about something or someone since that’s what a journal is for, and I don’t hesitate to share my beliefs, opinions, experiences and feelings, but I don’t use full names. No sensitive info whatsoever. No physical addresses, email addresses, phone numbers, full names, etc. I also am sure to point out when I’m not 100% sure of something and will make sure I state that it’s just something I may’ve heard, or just a theory of mine, but not a known fact. I also take into consideration different people’s individual preferences. I have friends who don’t care what I say about them, personal or not, and then I have friends who wouldn’t even want it known if they shoveled snow from their driveway. I make my best judgment based on content and who may be involved in that content.

Everyone handles their blogs differently. I personally think one’s sex life should be private, not because it’s wrong or dirty, but because everyone should have at least some secrets and privacy in their lives. To me, sex is a special thing between the people involved and those involved only, but again, that’s just me. Let people wonder about that, I say, though I understand that it is automatically assumed that if you’re not discussing sex with someone, somewhere, then you must be celibate. Well, I’ll admit that I don’t have sex that often with my husband, but there’s no need to discuss what we do when we do get together. Same with if I ever meet other women for sex. I don’t have a problem with admitting I may be having sex with whoever, but you’ll just have to wonder and guess as far as details go. :) I don’t mind hearing about other’s sex lives (though I can think of more interesting things to listen to), but mine will always be a mystery left to the imagination of others.

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 10, 2013 Although I didn’t want it to, and although I may hate to admit it, a sense of sadness came over me along with a sense of closure upon reading Walter’s email. To see two people’s lives picked apart, torn down and liquidated to nearly nothing is kind of sad. If my parents were suddenly alive they’d be worth even less than my husband and I were when we were on the streets of Sacramento. But as I learned those days I hopelessly begged for God to help us and was instead guided into disaster, we’re the only ones we can count on in life. Just us and our loved ones. The more we waste time hoping and waiting for some unseen force to come and guide us onto the right path in life, the longer we will be miserable, not that one can necessarily speed up the hands of time when one wants to. Circumstances beyond our control will arise no matter what, and sometimes we’re affected by them in a bad way for longer than we’d like.

It’s still a sad thought, despite the assholes that they were, to know that if my parents were suddenly alive and whole once again, they would have absolutely NOTHING. No home, no car, no food, no money, no clothes, no shoes, nothing. This saddens me until I remember how they treated me, especially my mother. God allowed her to abuse me and He also protected her from the law. What is He now blessing the bitch with in the afterlife if one exists? With my shit luck, she’s probably got it sweet and fine.

Or maybe the events in our lives really are totally random, as some people believe. Maybe there is no God and maybe there is no afterlife. I wish I knew all the answers, but I just don’t. It just feels weird to know we’re worth thousands. They’re worth nothing. Just a big fat NOTHING.

Later…

I’ve been staying out of it, but apparently, it’s not just Kim and Kathy leaving nasty comments on Molly’s blog, but other fuckheads at Marbridge as well. Seems that not surprisingly, Molly’s made enemies there as well. The nut leaves a trail of enemies in her wake as I leave a trail of perfume in mine. The troll’s visiting with her parents at a hotel in Austin and the other group homies are letting her know just how happy they are that she’s not there. Oh, and picking on her weight, too.

Now Molly just wrote a post saying she suspects “a girl named Jodi is behind the fake accounts and strange comments” she gets.

What fake accounts? And why does she suspect me when it’s obvious who it really is? Is she in some sort of denial? She must be because right after “Michael, Alan and Gemma” from Marbridge left their nasty comment, she said everyone there likes her and texts her. Yeah, right. You’re such a wonderful person, Molly, aren’t you?

Anyway, I don’t care what she thinks, though all she has to do is install a tracker and that should tell her who’s visiting her. As long as the kiddy drama stays out of my own blogs, though I can ensure this by disabling anonymous comments, she can write what she wants and she can kid herself all she wants, too.

I did let Jennifer have it after all and I feel kind of bad for it. I told her so too, after she said she never asked for or received anything from my parents, she couldn’t care less, and she makes her own money, thank you.

I guess I felt the need to vent, though as I told her, I realize it’s not fair to blame her for other people’s actions and that I know she’s not responsible for what others do.

Later…

I swear I really am done dying my hair this time and that this will be it for quite a while. I swear! I am so sick of this ammonia-reeking, hair-thinning, hair-frying shit that is not only too short-lived but that I still seem to drip on the floor even if it’s the foamy, no-drip type of dye. The funny part was getting it on pesky Jesse’s already-stained, old, ugly tan carpet. I didn’t realize I stepped into a glob of foam that hit the floor. So now there are two little brown partial footprints on the living room carpet, hahaha.

After we move I’ll eventually visit a salon, have my layers and dead ends trimmed, have it professionally dyed one last time to a light brown that’ll blend with the gray better, and then just let it all grow out and just stay gray. I’m 47 for God’s sake, not 27. If I were young and single the last thing I’d want was gray hair, and no, it doesn’t look as good as colored hair, but so what if I go from ugly to uglier? Tom loves me no matter what, and I ain’t getting any younger or prettier anyway.

The Jes pest was at it again today with the water games. I noticed the water pressure was low when I got up at noon and peed. Tom said it wasn’t and that he ran into the cock on the way back from the store who said he had drained the tanks and that they’d be filled back up in an hour.

Jeez, thanks, Jes. What if we’d been in the shower or something? And when is this restless bastard going to take one day – just one lousy day – off from fiddling with shit that should be left alone?! If he could just be kind enough to break a leg, we could be out of here before it’s healed enough for him to go running around the land and messing up this and messing up that all over again. For now, the water’s still not clear but is better than it was, though it still stinks. Just stepping into the bathroom you can smell the bleach coming from the toilet water. Is he out of his mind or is his sense of smell just that dead?

Andy said he thought otherwise at first, but could now see where I may want to send him a long heartfelt letter concerning the way he and his mutts have stolen my peace and tranquility. Ah, but why waste a stamp when I can just email his sister or leave a note under the stove and fridge, figuring that sooner or later they’ll break and need replacing. He’ll then come to haul them out of here and discover my piece of mind under them, LOL. Then again, our reasons for moving are no big secret and nothing we couldn’t tell him directly to his face. We’re sick of the lack of space. We’re tired of old, problematic places. We’re tired of him. We’re tired of his mutts. We’re tired of the shitty Internet connection. Period.

The mutts have actually been amazingly quiet. Jesse’s driving me crazy more with water problems and worries of him disturbing my sleep than with noise, though I still hear loud vehicles coming and going. I worried I’d jinx myself by saying this. Sure enough, at 6:00 this evening the mutts went off. I also worried he’d be gone overnight since they’re terrified to be left alone at night and wouldn’t stop till around 3am, but 10 minutes later I stepped out of the sound of the air cleaner I’d clicked on and into the bathroom, and all was silent as can be. He probably just went to bring his kid back to his mom’s.

Had dreams about the new place being around 1400 square feet. That seems a little big to be believable. It’s possible, but most of the double-wides we’re looking at are closer to 1000 square feet. Plenty for us and twice as much as what we’ve got now.

I also had a dream about writing about my experiences with dating 3 different women, one white, one Indian, and one Italian. I was going to incorporate them into a story, I guess. I don’t know if I really did date these women or if I got the idea through a dream in the dream I had, but it seems I had especially nice things to say about the Italian chick, LOL.

In real life, I have a tall, sexy-hot German cyber GF who never fails to remember me once or twice a week by sending a nice message letting me know what’s up with her and asking how I’ve been. :) It is obvious that she cares about me and what’s going on with me.

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 9, 2013 I was able to surprise myself by falling asleep a few hours earlier than I expected to last night and slept from midnight to noon. I awoke a few times along the way and had dreams about being interviewed on some news or talk show about my writing. There were a few others on the panel with me that were either there to discuss their own books if not something else entirely. At one point I was asked how I got story ideas, and I said mostly from dreams. Then I was asked about my weight, and I said I was 118 pounds. LOL, I doubt I’ll ever be under 120 again.

First Jesse kills me yesterday in the shower with all the fucking bleach he dumped in the tanks, now he’s running a loud vehicle (his truck?). I sprayed the shit out of myself with perfume after applying scented lotion, and now I’m burning a stick of incense, but all I smell is bleach, bleach, bleach! There’s no excuse for this much shit to be added to the already filthy water. Next time I see him I’ve definitely got to tell him to back off the shit. My eyes are stinging and I stink like hell. I was probably cleaner before I showered. Gross or not, I’m going to shower just every other day while we’re still here. On non-shower days I can wet wipe myself down. The wet wipes we’ve got smell way better than the bleach factory we smell like we spent the day at when we step out of the shower. sighs How many more fucking months – or years – are we going to have to be here?

Today I woke up to find brown water in the toilet and of course the tub is leaking worse. Tom left a message saying he’d flush the worst of the dirt out from outside when he gets home and to just use bottled water to brush my teeth.

We didn’t come here for this shit and if the water isn’t cleared up real damn fast, we’re not paying full rent! How the fuck am I supposed to do laundry in this shit? At this point, I’m totally willing to settle for staying in another old single-wide for a year before getting what we want just to get out of here sooner. We’re wasting money like crazy here and I’m not getting any less sick of the sluggish and unpredictable Internet connection.

Meanwhile, if the dreams are right about me getting 12K from my parents (assuming no one’s fucking with me, something I’m beginning to wonder), by the time I get it we may very well have around 20K in savings. Plus we’ve now got just one bad thing left on our credit report and are establishing credit.

Maya surprised me with a “no” when I sent a message asking if she was really just Kim playing around. I didn’t think the message went through. I don’t know what to think anymore where that account is concerned, but am a little surprised she hasn’t commented on my blogs.

Later…

Well, the day is ending a lot better than it began. Finally heard from Walter! Still don’t like the 40%/15% thing and think it should’ve been 60%/10%, but at least I’m getting something. We all had serious doubts at first. Every little bit helps toward the move and now that we know the dreams I had were right in that I’ll be getting more than 2 or 3 grand, but wrong about me getting 12K since it will actually be closer to 8K, we can start aggressively hunting for a place.

Between the estate money, savings and tax refunds, we should have around 15K to work with. With the economy being as it is these days, you can find a decent 2-bed/2-bath starting at around 10K. That leaves us plenty for new furniture and other stuff for the house. We’re okay with draining the savings entirely cuz we know we’ll be able to easily save about a grand a month since our overall expenses will be cheaper and that’s without OT. The lot should be cheaper than the rent is here, and we’ll save on gas big time since we’ll be closer to where he works and to more stores. No more driving 30-40 minutes, depending on traffic, just to get to Walmart.

Still, it doesn’t seem right for a daughter to get 8K while granddaughters get 12K, even if it’s split between 4 of them. It would be nice if they would each give me a grand, but that’s not going to happen. Hell, I wouldn’t give a penny of it to anyone if it were me.

Other than Jesse’s dirt-filled, bleach-stinking water, which we did manage to clear up a little, life is getting better and better. Tom cleaned the washer’s screen of the dirt that got inside it and slowed down the stream of water, then I could get the rest of the wash done.

Exchanged messages with Andy, who’s got 17” of snow, and Mary, too.

We ordered $132 of groceries online. Tom will pick them up in the morning when he goes to check the mail and run other errands.

I just wish the OT would let up a bit more at work until we got moved! Finding the time to look for potential places online is one thing. Going out and actually seeing them is another.

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 8, 2013 It was summertime in last night’s dream where I was walking somewhere along the countryside with some unknown young girl. She was quick to point out God’s love in the beauty of the nature around us from the stark green hills to the colorful wildflowers.

“Why do you only see half a picture?” I asked her.

“What do you mean?” she asked me curiously.

“You see His love, but you don’t see His hate. Why is that?” Still not getting my point, I explained, “Wildfires, murder, rape, diseases, natural disasters… why do you not see the big picture and see God’s evil side as well as his good side? We as humans have both good and evil in us. Think God’s any different?”

She thought about it a moment and said, “I suppose not. I guess I saw only what I wanted to see.”

I awoke telling her that sometimes I wished I could see only the good in things too, even if I’d be kidding myself by blinding myself to the evil in the world. It’s true, though. He made the beauty in that vibrantly colored flower you may’ve seen out there today, but He also made that tsunami that killed thousands of innocent people. Yet so many people are quick to refer to Him as “good” and “loving” when He’s just as evil and hateful. I don’t get this at all but to each their own. If evil is too scary to face and accept, then maybe you shouldn’t.

If I see one more “praise daddy” post from Sarah I think I’ll scream. Okay, so I know she has every right to love her dad and to post what she wants, and I know it’s nothing personal or anything like that, but it still gets to me. Like a woman doesn’t want to see her rapist praised, it bothers me to see this abusive guy who had a hand in ruining my life for years get any praise of his own. I don’t resent him nearly as much as I do those who directly had a hand in legally screwing me, but still, the resentment is deep enough and strong enough to know I could never sit tight and just smile politely for the sake of others if I were suddenly there and he walked in the room. Like it or not – and I know some people don’t want to hear this – I would end up in jail in no time. Meanwhile, this is still my journal and I have a right to my own feelings as well. People expect me to consider their feelings, but what about mine? Don’t mine count for anything as well? Again, just like others have a right to post what they want, I have a right to vent in my own journal and will gladly do so, so if anyone out there has a problem with it, you may want to not read it. Just like I can ignore people’s posts, they can ignore my journal.

Woke up tired and could’ve slept another hour or two. I hit the snooze button 3 times before I finally dragged my ass out of bed. I should’ve pushed my schedule ahead instead of holding it back. And why isn’t 8 hours enough for me these days? Wish I could know I’d crash earlier to make up for it, but that’s not usually something I can do, tired or not. The next week is going to be exhausting and I hate to go to the eye doctor with tired eyes, but it’s a little late to push ahead now.

I’m surprised Kim hasn’t left any comments on my blogs.

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 7, 2013 Although Maliheh picked up my message about the homeless dream, she didn’t even have the decency to send a quick reply. Once again, my lack of hearing from her and her refusal to add me on FB pretty much tells me more than I need to know.

Kim left a comment on Molly’s blog as Janet M suggesting that Alan, this guy she has a crush on who resides at the group home, isn’t into her. I know I shouldn’t have but I couldn’t resist adding that she might want to switch to girls as Maya O. Then this morning I woke up to find an anonymous comment telling her to ignore the first two comments and to just keep her chin up and stick to herself, and good luck with meeting with her parents this weekend.

Again I’m left to wonder who this could be. Another alter of Kim’s? Aly? Someone else? Ironically enough, Aly’s the only one who says she isn’t getting emails from me or FB messages. I can only communicate with her through her wall. True tech issues? Or her way of deterring contact from me?

I made my blogs public again because I missed having them that way and seeing who comes around. I’ll just be more careful about what I say, of course. I’m allowing for anonymous comments again on MO and LJ, but if that privilege is abused by spammers as I suspect it may be, that will change.

Still have no desire to return to Ask. Maybe this summer or next winter. Ask is too glitchy. I hate Formspring’s layout and video craze but at least it’s not as glitchy right now.

My dreams are getting stranger by the minute. As anyone who knows me knows, I hate apartments. Anything that’s attached to others is nothing I can stand to live in and I wonder how I survived 9 years of apartments, hotels and 10 months at the duplex. Yet that’s exactly what we were trying to rent in last night’s dream. I don’t know how many rooms it had, but it seemed to be a humungous two-bed, two-bath. It was old and ugly with hardwood floors yet I just loved it. I was worried that these 3 young girls who also came to look at it would get it, even though it was noisy as hell with paper-thin walls. I could hear dishes clanking in the neighboring apartment and dogs barking outside like crazy, yet I still wanted the apartment really bad. Don’t know if we got it, though.

Reading for a few hours at night has helped me to tire down and keep on the schedule I’ve been on where I get up late in the morning. Don’t know how long I can keep it up but I’ve got to stay on days for another week until my eye appointment.

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 6, 2013 The Jes pest came down an hour after I got up to tell me he was turning the water off for a couple of hours to drain and vacuum out the tank. He said this would be the last day he’d be working on the well and tank. Good, cuz it’s supposed to rain the next two days. Anyway, I can tell it’s not quite filled back up yet cuz we’re not up to full pressure yet. That’s fine. I’ve already showered and don’t have any dishes or laundry to do right now.

Looks like Tom’s not going to get in as early today.

Although I alerted Maliheh to it, hopefully the dream I had about her doesn’t mean any trouble is headed her way. She was homeless in the dream. She was walking around missing a shoe and I offered her a spare pair of sneakers. She turned them down saying she’d be okay. I also offered her food, but she wouldn’t take that either.

Aly and Kathy have doubts about “Maya” being Kim, but IDK. As long as Kim, either as herself or someone else, doesn’t bother me or my friends, she can do what she wants and she can be as many people as she wants to be.

Been growing my bangs out and I’m still not sure I like it better this way. But with the bangs, it’s a pain in the ass to keep trimming them every month, so maybe I’ll just leave it this way a while longer. I hate how it’s always in my face unless I pull it back, but then I don’t have to trim it regularly.

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 5, 2013 Maya O. That’s Kim’s latest account as a young single knock-up in NY with Tourette’s syndrome. She has also decided she’s bipolar, cool and loves to draw. Kathy fronted me the link after Kim tried to add her to that account. She immediately suspected one of Kim’s alters cuz “Maya” is friends with two accounts where Kim actually uses her real name.

It’s chilling just how detailed the account is even though it’s only a few days old. She even has a couple of friends who no doubt think she really is this Maya character. I gave them the heads up, but knowing Facebook, they won’t get the message. Meanwhile, I reported the account as fake. It’s sad, sick and scary to think she just sits there day after day, month after month, year after year, creating all these different personas. It’s like it’s her whole life. She may have no life and all the free time in the world, but how does even she have time to be so many people? It seems there are not enough hours in a day to be so many damn people. Whether she’s role-playing obsessed or truly has MPD as I suspect, it’s sad that she doesn’t have anyone to channel her energies into more honest and productive activities like Molly has these days. She should be spending her days in some sort of structured facility and kept offline, or at least not allowed online without being monitored. Unfortunately, though, until and if she either hurts herself or someone else, no one can force an adult in their 30s to do anything they don’t want to do. This means that she’s free to be a million people other than herself and to follow and harass those online that dared to confront her on her shit and then walk away. As long as she’s alive I can never do anything where I can be contacted in a place where she knows I exist.

I had no idea she was this good at being other people. Clearly, the writing style is similar to hers, but I can see how she managed to fool me so easily on Ask and would continue to do so if she could. I’m now sure that the vast majority of my anonymous questions that I thought came from lots of different people were really her. I feel like such an idiot! I know there’s no way I could’ve known, but it still has a way of making one feel pretty foolish and stupid. I had no idea the magnitude of her craziness back then. Sometimes she made it very obvious that it was she who was pestering me there, so I wasn’t expecting it when she made it a lot less obvious like she sometimes did as well, depending on “who” she was at the time.

Anyway, “Maya” uses a pic of a young blond girl, and has a picture of a very pregnant belly on her wall. I had to laugh at the part where she claims to be having 3 lil ones in 5 months and is scared as hell. Oh, and she’s in so much pain as having Tourette’s, and being pregnant sucks, though she must think of her unborn, LOL.

Andy joined Formspring so we’ll keep in touch there, a place Kim and Molly are unaware of. The videos are annoying and the layout of the site sucks compared to Ask, but at least we can change backgrounds there and they even allow animated ones. Until they start having problems too, that is. For now, the trolls can wonder where the hell Andy’s been cuz I know they watch him daily on Ask. Andy’s not going to deactivate his account, though, just not use it as much. I guess he’ll still want to check it once a week or so cuz Lady Di is still there.

Tom and I are both still feeling kinda run down and coughing a bit (I feel like I’m never going to wake up refreshed and energized ever again), but he was thrilled to get off work after just a half-hour of OT and not two hours of OT. Then he could leisurely relax, eat, check the latest listings for places within our price range, then get to bed early and catch up on his sleep.

Speaking of sleep, I woke up a million times, as usual, and this time I not only had negative dreams, but something tapped me on the cheek and woke me up for a few minutes. I swear. I know it sounds as crazy as Kim and all her 10 million alters, but I really don’t think I was dreaming. I was actually dreaming something at the time that had nothing to do with being tapped on the cheek or anywhere else. The tap was gentle but too much for any kind of insect to make and we don’t have mice hanging around lately, so I don’t know what else it could’ve been if it wasn’t something or someone from the other side. Still not sure I even believe in that other side, but I can’t come up with any other logical explanation for it. I think maybe something was saying, “Try to stay on schedule. You’ve got an appointment in 9 days.” I’ll be setting my alarm so my schedule can’t jump more than half-hour intervals until then. I’ve been tiring down early which is good. The only problem is that I’ve been sleeping forever so that kind of makes up for it. I usually sleep 8 hours, but lately it’s been 10-12.

In one dream I had done two years for killing someone. Must not have been much of a kill to get just two years for murder. In another, I was living in some large institution of some kind (a common dream I unfortunately have) and didn’t seem to know Tom. I’m not sure if it was a type of jail or funny farm, but it seems I had to be there. I had two roommates too, and what was weird was that I shared a double bed with one of them while another slept on a twin bed toward our feet.

We were having breakfast in some kind of cafeteria when one girl noticed I looked kind of down. Supposedly I was going blind and said, “Is there any way they could be wrong and that I might not be going blind after all? I can still see things.”

The girl looked sad too, and said there was no way I would be able to see for much longer. This is a scary dream for someone like me to be having too, but Tom assures me it’s not possible. Even the doctor said we won’t let me go blind. I guess glaucoma isn’t curable but it is preventable.

My hives are healing and right now they just look like giant cigarette burns.

I’ve been hearing Jesse buzzing about the land, as usual. This time around he’s got something going on down by the well and Tom said something about a big pipe and asked if there’d been any water problems. No, but I’m sure there will be at some point. Anyway, this guy’s always got something going on. He’s never going to be the lazy type that likes to just veg in front of the TV all day, so hopefully we can get the hell out soon enough. He’s also still clearing brush from his drive to lay down some new gravel. Every project he does is just one more thing I gotta deal with, and now I gotta worry he’ll fuck up my schedule between now and the 14th?

Chatted with Nane for a bit today. She’s broke cuz she’s been overspending and so she’s selling things on eBay. At least she’s back from the dead!

Great. I can’t fucking get online now, so I’ll have to post this in an hour or two.

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 4, 2013 Still waking up tired and feeling a bit rundown throughout the day. I don’t know what my problem is. I guess I was just that sick and it just takes that long to fully recover. I have to push myself to get things done, but I manage. Oddly enough, it’s been helping me to keep a schedule since I keep tiring down early. I woke up an hour earlier today and although I was still tired I was unable to fall back asleep.

The best news is that I finally got a hold of my Italian dad! I’d have called sooner had I not gotten so sick. The cell caused the usual shitty connection, and I think he may be hard of hearing and maybe a little out of it as well, but he was thrilled to hear from me. Again he thanked me for the letter, saying he’s got it on the mantel and is keeping it. He asked for the cell number and I gave it to him. I told him that although the other number was correct that I gave him, it can’t be used while we’re still living here. I promised to keep in touch and write regularly.

I had strange dreams throughout the night. In one I joined a band as the lead singer and promptly began doing drugs with the other band members. In another, I was living with my parents and awoke early one morning on a rainy, miserable day. I had to get up for work, though I don’t know where I was working. Some stupid minimum-wage job, I guess. I was exhausted and all I wanted to do was stay in bed. I said to my mother, “I wish jobs had never been invented. I just want to get back in bed and listen to the rainfall.” I half-hoped she would suggest I do just that, but she never said anything.

I’m making IHOP pastries filled with sweet cream now, and later on when Tom gets in from work I’ll make us pork chops. My appetite hasn’t returned entirely and I’m trying to keep it that way as long as I can and take advantage of my shrunken tummy. I’m limiting myself to 1000 calories a day and am down from 150 pounds to 142 pounds. Just maybe I’ll see the 130s again someday.

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 3, 2013 Lost another pound, got more coming back in taxes than we originally thought (over $700), and our credit is cleaning up nicely. Tom’s working on getting the book scammers off our credit and it’s looking good so far.

The house we wanted is still for sale and they dropped the price to 10K, so something must be wrong. It’s probably got to do with the electrical and the place needing to be re-leveled. I guess the place doesn’t rest on all the stands or something like that. Still, if the problems were fixable and we could just get the damn money I’m STILL waiting on, it would be such an ideal location in such a nice park! I don’t want to get my hopes up, though.

Managed to run a bit today, but only for a few minutes, as I didn’t want to push it. I even did a little arm work, too.

Soaked my feet in our new foot massager and it was okay. It can’t replace human hands, but it’s nice for those who are on their feet all day.

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 2, 2013 The heavy bleeding finally stopped yesterday, and that too, was probably caused by the Alli, according to my research. Damn, what other problems would I now be having had I not stopped the stuff when I did?!

Oh, those fucking trolls. They figured out who “Lamar” was on Ask, so I’m not going to ask Andy anything else there. I knew I shouldn’t have anyway. We’re both getting a little too obvious, I guess, with the things we say. Besides, we keep in touch enough through email and FB.

Lamar was a guy with a funny last name we found in the phonebook a million years ago when we both lived back East, so that’s why I used that name.

Still waking up warm and groggy, and still wheezing and coughing at times, but slowly getting better with each passing day. Tom guesses he’ll be back to 100% on Monday, which would put me there on Tuesday. Love the lack of appetite I still have. I’ve lost 7 pounds since I first started the Alli, but doubt I’ll keep them off for long.

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 1, 2013 LOL, I check Molly’s blog every now and then just to get a good laugh. Kim’s still trying to buddy up to her, sometimes as herself, but usually as some celebrity. Today she’s Snooki.

I feel like such an idiot when I think of how many times she suckered me into thinking she was really someone else on Ask, though I had no way of knowing at the time just how fucked in the head she was. I’m almost positive that my “pretty lady” fan and the “friend of a friend who had heard about me” was her.

For now, she and Molly can have fun wondering what the hell I’m writing about cuz I’m not about to be kind enough to share. At least not until they somehow manage to find my Tumblr blog.

I thought I would wake up wonderfully refreshed after sleeping 9-10 hours, but instead all that’s improved is my cough. I still feel rundown and my appetite hasn’t fully returned yet either. I almost ate a whole meal today, though, something that was beginning to seem more foreign by the minute as all I could do was nibble.

Another strange thing is how warm I’ve been feeling. I usually get cold very easily, especially my feet, but I’m sitting here barefoot and in shorts and a sports bra. The windows are open and the fans are blaring. It is warming up, though, and is now 79° in this room. But when I got up when it was 9° cooler it didn’t seem chilly at all. It still gets cold as hell at night, though, down in the upper 30s. This time of year the weather is totally bipolar; warm days, cold nights. I doubt we’ll freeze anymore this year, though.

My German hottie’s been sick too, but she checked in to wish me gute besserung mit meinen Augen.

Aw, wie suß. :)

Oh, those long ugly words of hers. Poor girl has Nebenhöhlenentzündung (sinusitis).

Adonis said he looked through my archive on MO since that blog is still available to friends only, and wondered if I’d made some private entries during those days, but as I told him, I was simply too sick to write.

Yesterday’s eye exam was a bit rough on me cuz I was still so out of it. It was nice to get out and get some fresh air, but I couldn’t wait to get back and climb back into bed! I had slept pretty shitty the night before, waking for a few hours in the middle of my sleep.

The doctor and his staff were very friendly and helpful. The doctor spoke loud and clear enough for me to hear him and took the time to explain things to me. All looks good with one small catch and that’s elevated eye pressure. I’m hoping it’s just the flu that’s causing a false reading, but he wants me back in a couple of weeks to check it again. It’s not like I’m going to go blind, but if left unmonitored, there is a 20% risk of glaucoma. Worst-case scenario I have to use eye drops for a while.

In a couple of weeks I will finally have bifocals for when I’m out and about, and new reading glasses as well.

Tom’s exam went well and all he needs is one single-vision pair of glasses for driving, the lucky bastard. And he’s older than me, too.

Again, it’s so great to be insured! Between the two of us, this would have cost over $500, but it cost just a little over $100 instead.

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