#think I'm wrong or try to argue with me about what I've been diagnosed by an actually highly competent specialized doctor

[runawaycarouselhorse]

Finding out that my wacky needing a tooth pulled out because my permanent tooth was growing into my milk tooth that wouldn't get out of my mouth on its own... I was still losing milk teeth as a fifteen or sixteen year old. I was in my last year of junior high/middle school!!

But yeah, got a sliding hiatal hernia from a minor car accident (riding in the trunk, so no seatbelt, bumped my head, immediately heard a hissing sound and felt the hot acid leaking up into my throat...)

Paternal grandmother had a hernia, bio-mother had a herniated spinal disc, sister had kyphosis (one form of EDS also is chiefly known by causing kyphosis, so likely related...)..

Me explaining my grandma and mom that all the health problems since childhood were not “early-onset arthritis,” “carpel tunnel,” “just recurrent hernias,” “diverticulitis” or “crooked teeth” but instead all part of a genetically inherited disease like:

[playingwiththetennisgrownups]

OK so long post, please bear with me here.

1) When I have a hyperfixation, I (like many neurosparkly people) take any slight, perceived or otherwise, against the object of my hyperfixation incredibly personally. My hyperfixation is on Jannik himself as much as it is on tennis (I don't like admitting that LOL) so right now, I'm pretty stressed. I have no idea how he's holding it together because I am NOT. Yes, I am trying to be all manifesting positivity and not worry about something I can't control because and my therapist would be incredibly proud of me, she's been working on this with me for years. Like I legitimately feel like I've just failed a drugs test here. I feel worse than I did when I lost my job a couple of months ago.

2) I am autistic so it's possible that might be reading intent behind comments I'm seeing wrong but jokes/comments/anything about unaliving yourself and/or or perpetrating violence against sporting agencies = bad. I'm finding things I'm seeing to be very triggering. I have just had a panic attack here. Li has had to do some grounding with me. I'm still kinda crying. I have been dealing with unaliving myself ideation for over 30 years, and have attempted to do so on multiple occasions.

Jokes about unaliving yourself are not funny. If you think it's an appropriate way of expressing how upset/angry/stressed you are, it's not. If you seriously feel that way, please please please get help, please talk to someone. It doesn't have to be a professional.

This… y'all it's making me incredibly uncomfortable and triggered, and I don't use 'trigger' lightly - my partner has c-PTSD and I have many diagnosed anxiety/mental health disorders, so I never use it to mean 'oh I just don't like it', we're talking full on involuntary recall of trauma here and psychological and physiological response to said trauma.

I'm already loving tennisblr and I want to be part of the community I've found here. I absolutely do not expect anywhere online to be a safe space for me. I've been in online fandom for over 25 years, I know it's down to me to curate my online experience - and believe me, I do. So going forward, and I absolutely don't mean to flounce here because I don't want to leave, I am here for the fucking love of tennis, of Jannik, but may have to start unfollowing/block for the good of my own mental health. Which I hate because up to now, my experience of tennisblr, of Jannikblr, is pretty much full of love and acceptance and a very welcoming community. But before I go ahead and start unfollowing/blocking, I wanted to take the time to put this post out there and hope that maybe it'll make people think about what they're saying, about the impact the language that's being used can have. If you feel the need to unfollow me for saying this, I understand.

3) I'm seeing some misinformation about the appeal being spread. So, from what I've been able to ascertain, as this is an appeal case that's being put before the CaS, the process is different because there's no investigation being done by them - that's already been done by the ITIA. This is WADA saying we disagree with the outcome. WADA have submitted their appeal, Sinner's team will now/may already have submit their reply to the CaS. The CaS then decide if they're even going to accept the appeal. If they do, a hearing well be held, both parties present evidence and argue their case. Now, as this is an appeals case, this must be done WITHIN 3 months. And the verdict can be given on the day of the panel. (https://www.tas-cas.org/en/general-information/frequently-asked-questions.html)

4) I know I've used the phrase 'manifest positivity' already, both in this post and previous, but like… Tennisblr manifested the Sincaraz season slam, right?. Tennisblr is working super hard on manifesting a Sincaraz final in Beijing. So lets use our powers for good and send out the good vibes into the universe, and buoy up our boy, let him know we're behind him, we believe in him and all that. (Yeah, kinda pagan kinda hippie. I kinda am).

At the end of the day, regardless of what happens, we know he did nothing wrong!

Thank you for coming to my TEDtalk. But seriously, if you've read this far, thank you.

[sysmedsaresexist]

Would you explain the driving/DID thing more? I thought that supposed law as A. In the UK and B. Not even in law.

It's an exceptionally dumb thing to try and legislate anyway. Dissociation can happen to anyone, and accidents from people zoning out and not paying attention happen literally all the time. Texting and driving has killed infinitely more people than a dissociated system ever has, and yet that law does nothing to actually curb that.

Your comments sound like you support that kind of thing and I sure hope I'm just misreading that.

Hi! I'm not 100% sure I understand-- I think I do, but if I misinterpreted, let me know!

Please note that this doesn't even scratch the surface of these topics. This entire thing needs a BOOK to go over every little aspect. That said, my response is going to very topical, but I hope it still answers the question. I also get rambly, but when don't I?

To my knowledge, the original driving ban was actually in relation to autism, not CDDs, and nothing has ever come into place from a legal standpoint-- this includes my knowledge of the UK, US, and CDN laws. The same is also true of gender affirming care-- it was a discussion about autism several years ago. I actually made a post where I even found the person who started the CDD rumor, I'll see if I can find that post.

Now, this doesn't touch on the current climate around trans rights (especially minors' rights), because the states are having a fucking... moment, over there that sort of overlaps with this conversation but not specifically enough to get into, just pointing out that I understand things aren't exactly peachy across the world.

And that's important.

Things aren't perfect.

I admit that a lot of sectors need some serious reform and work, but we need to talk about real issues, not exaggerated ones. We can make things better for people with physical and mental health issues, but there's zero point in arguing about things that aren't actually real or happening.

I support the current safeguards in place-- doctors treating each person for their unique issues and symptoms. Personalized approaches.

I'm going to assume you're either UK or US, so for example...

Here's info on UK guidelines. You can see that, as I stated, it's about symptoms, not specific diagnoses. It also lists what's required for someone to be able to drive, and it's... really not that bad? 3 months symptom free? I see no issues with the way it's laid out. You've probably already passed the 3 month mark before this ever matters.

Canada works like the UK. The US has very similar stipulations, but doesn't list it as nicely. The general rule is that if you're at risk of ever not driving safely, check yes. "Not driving safely," is defined very similarly to the screenshots-- recent flareups or episodes, risk of falling asleep, seizures, loss of awareness or conscious control, same kind of things.

I support this. If someone is experiencing symptoms that would make driving dangerous, why would I not? I've been in too many accidents and like I said, I already lost my father.

The idea that you'll automatically lose your license, or not be able to get your license, is just wrong, and it's always anti psych people who say it. And like, pwCDDs can't get a job? Better tell that to all the VERY real doctors diagnosed with DID and actively working as clinical therapists. Guess they didn't get the memo.

A diagnosis will not stop you from doing ANYTHING. A lack of knowledge about your rights will.

No one should ever be afraid of being diagnosed or getting help. I am so angry at people that present a false idea of what happens. Like instead of lying and saying we're all going to lose our licenses, just teach people what they need to do and who to contact to sort licensing issues out. Let's focus on holding doctors accountable and ensuring they're making fair decisions on these things.

We all know that doctors aren't always fair, and it's not necessarily the system's fault. As patients and clients, it's our job to understand our own rights (yes, it is our job, unfair as it may be and as much hand holding as you might expect). No one is saying that there aren't shit doctors that will abuse their power. Unless we, as patients, understand our rights, no one else will stop that doctor from doing it to someone else. The law already backs us, it's holding them accountable and pointing out when the laws aren't clear enough. We can have our licenses, we should be promoting awareness of rights and responsibilities of the government, doctors, and patients.

And guys, I know it can be inconvenient, but... if you're not supposed to be driving, just don't.

My dad was not supposed to be driving. In fact, he was in a treatment center ACTIVELY RECEIVING TREATMENT, and was allowed to check himself out. That same night, he got behind the wheel, and he wasn't the only one who died.

In this way, I agree with you. Laws don't make a difference. Literally none. He would have driven that night with or without a license. It's up to us, as people, patients, and family members, to be honest about our symptoms and abilities, inconvenient or not, and we pray to God that someone gets pulled over with a revocation flag on file, rather than cops showing up to an accident that's already happened.

But no one will be fucking honest if people keep lying about how "dangerous" being diagnosed with something is.

Losing your license is a very small risk compared to the benefits (and no, it's not gone forever), and knowing your rights is the best thing you can do for everyone, yourself included.

Know your rights, know how to exercise them.

[marvel-and-chicago-fan]

Family Isn't Always Fair

Matildas age: 14 years old

Tw: Seizures, Hospitals, Family Arguing, Yelling, Mentions of shots

Summary: After Matilda's sister got diagnosed everything changed and she didn't get much attention as she used to. That was until she was diagnosed with Epilepsy and their entire family crumbles with one Chaotic night.

______________________________________________________________

Of course they didn't show up. They are always paying attention to my older sister Sophia. Ever since Sophia test results came back they've been acting like I don't exist. It's been like this for 3 years now since I was 11. 

My competition was today for ice skating and they promised they would show up but turns out they had something “come up with work” I just know thats a code sentence for something that came up with sophia. 

I haven't even had the time to tell them something that's been going on. My teachers and friends notice i blank out a lot and i've brushed it off for awhile but it's gotten to the point where i even got detention for not paying attention in class

***

Walking through the door I don't hear anyone or the house being filled with chaos. “Mom? Dad? I'm home”I shouted. Just as I thought no one, not even Sophia. All I see is a note on the counter with dads card saying I can door dash if I want too.

I heard someone knock at the door and I waited 30 seconds before getting up hoping the dasher had already left.

***

I was finally dozing off when my family came home

“Mattie we’re home” My dad yelled while putting the groceries on the counter.

I walked into the kitchen to see my dad already preparing dinner. “Wanna help?” 

“Sure, it's not like I have much to do, '' I replied, finally relieved that I got to do something with my dad for once.

“Hey, so i made first in my ice skating competition” I said, trying to make some small talk

“That's good Mattie, so are you moving onto the final round? Jay asked while finishing up the pasta on the stove.

“Yeah and i'm going up against my biggest comp-” 

“Your biggest what?” Jay turned his head towards Matilda when she didn't reply. “Mattie? Can you hear me” Snapping his fingers in her face.

(Authors Note, Even though abscess seizures last less than 15 seconds I'm going to make this last for around a minute reading it may seem longer but it's not that long). 

Jays POV

I called Hailey to come downstairs because either Mattie was pranking me or something was seriously wrong with her.

“Yeah jay what's up?”

“Somethings wrong with Mattie, it's like she's just staring into space and she's not moving.”

“What do you mean she's staring into space?”Hailey tilting her head in confusion 

Jay waved his hand in his daughters face and she didn't respond

“Alright i'm calling will” 

I was keeping an eye on Mattie but before Hailey could call will, Mattie started moving aging. 

“Mattie, are you ok? What happened” 

“Yeah im fine and i don't know what happened” Her voice obviously confused 

“What were we just talking about?” I asked. Will taught me in these situations I should ask questions if something bad were to happen. 

“Uhh, I don't really know. It's like there's fog everywhere in my head”.

“Hails stay here with soph im taking her to med” I said almost dragging matilda off the kitchen bench.

“Ok, keep me posted. I'll tell voight you can't come in tonight.”

***

Connor “Ok so we ran some tests and it's epilepsy. It seems like she suffers from absent seizures from what she told and what you experienced with her. “ 

As Connor checks up on Mattie I feel ashamed to even be a father. How did I not notice this, she had been suffering for a while. I made it seem like Sophia is my only child, I made her feel left out, I made her… I made her feel like a glass child.  

“Jay, JAY!” i was snapped out of my thoughts when will was trying to get my attention

“Sorry just thinking about something” I murmured

“I'm going to tell you this now, whatever happened whatever your think isn't your fault. You couldn't have prevented it no matter what you do. She's gonna have to live with it for the rest of her life and you guys will manage it I promise you.” will said while walking to sit down with me. 

9 months later

Things are different nowadays. Hails and I have been arguing more now over Sophia on how I never pay attention to her and I spend all my time with Matilda now. We started attending couples therapy 5 months ago, and so far it's working . We've been arguing less and spending an equal amount of time with the girls. I still do spend a lot of time with Matilda but Hailey does have to know.

“Sophia, hurry up if we wanna get good seats then we have to leave now” I yelled upstairs while grabbing my keys and matilda's small bag. 

***

“GO MATTIE” i cheered probably louder than everyone else.

Matties POV

Spin, Jump, Spin again anddd pose. I received an applause from the crowd and started to skate off the ice. I headed to the locker room and took my skates off and put my guards on.  I walk around to find my family talking with my coach.

“Ahem?”My mom gives a look that means stop and behave.

Finally they finish and come over to me

“You did an amazing job honey, are they not doing awards today?” mom said as she hugged me

“No, they said something was wrong with there scoring so they'll release them out by email to us” I groaned

'`How about we go out for dinner, whose turn is it to pick?’ My dad asks

Before I can answer my sister shouts out “Olive Garden '' I don't really like olive garden that much but I prefer to have a nice family outing than to argue. 

***

Once again me and my sister are fighting but this time it's bad. She had snuck out last night and got caught. She blames me because I didn't answer my phone to let her in. She ended up having to go through the front door which sends a notification to our parents phone every time the doors open. In my defense I had to sleep for my competition. I wasn't about to have dozens of seizures because I was sleep deprived. 

I was talking on the phone and my sister overheard me saying “She was a spoiled brat and she's annoying” Truthfully i was talking about this girl in school that everyone hates. Next thing I know I was hanging up on the phone then next I was being pushed to the floor. 

Haileys Pov

Me and Jay agreed that we would just let the girls fight now. They always made up and the fights were never physical, only verbal. 

We caught Sophia coming back home at 3 in the morning. We grounded her until winter break which is in 1 month. The whole fight went on for about 20 minutes before jay told them to shout 

Quieter before the cops came. 

I was showing Jay an instagram post when there was a loud thud. Me and Jay both shot our heads up towards the ceiling. “Girls stop throwing stuff” i just looked down at my phone then looked back up when i didn't hear them shouting. “Matilda?...Sophia?” Me and jay both shared the same look and got up to see the damage

���Mattie, soph what's going-”Jay's voice in a mad tone “Mattie, oh my gosh.”

Walking in we see matilda having a seizure and sophia just standing there in shock

“She's having a seizure, Sophia. I need you to run downstairs and get my radio” Sophia just stood there looking at me. “Sophia so help me if you don't go get that radio you will wish voight would have dealt with you instead”. By saying that Sophia snapped out of whatever she was in and ran downstairs.

“What happened? She never has epileptic seizure in awhile” i asked

“She could’ve hit her head or something because i don't know how you get from standing the ground” Jay replied while checking his watch as hit the 30 second mark.

Sophia finally brings up my radio and radio for an ambulance. “This is 50-21 gorge. I need an ambulance to my location, 15 year-old female having a seizure.  

At a minute and 30 seconds the seizure finally stopped. We rolled Matilda on her side in recovery position. Jay checked her pulse to make sure it's steady.

I ran my finger through matties hair, i couldn't hear jay asking where the ambulance is i just kept playing the scene in my head.

(Forgot to change the pov so this is going to to be in 3rd person until  Voight is done yelling at Sophia)

“Hey Mags” will said while putting his tablet down

“Hey will, you need to control your niece”

“What did she do this time?”

“She told me last week that she wanted to live with me because i let her eat ice cream while she was over at my house because "everytime i come to your house you let me ice cream"” She replied and made a squeaky voice

Will let out a small chuckle “She for real said that? I can't blame her i would want to eat ice cream all the time too”

Just then the buzzer went off signaling that someone new came in. Will ran over 

“What have we got”

“14 year old Matilda Halstead, found having a seizure in her bedroom” The paramedics said

Will knew he couldn't treat her because she was family. Connor and Ethan stepped in for the place of will.

“Ok, we're gonna move her to the bed on 3, (1-2-3).” Ethan said while getting ready

“Hey matilda, can you tell me how old you are”  Connor said while rubbing her sternum

Will just stood there looking through the open door. It took will to fight off every thought to go in there and help.

Just then Natalie walked in to begin her shift. “Hey will, how are you?” When she didn’t get a response she turned around to see Will standing there. “Will are you good?”.Natalie caught a glimpse of what was going on and decided that will shouldn't be seeing this. “Will, how about we go sit down.” Natalie brought will into the waiting room where the rest of his family was.

***

“Ok Matilda you're going to feel a small poke.” Connor was telling Matilda what they were doing even though she wasn't responding. 

“I want her taken up for a CT scan and I want the results as soon as possible, say Dr. Goodwin orders it.”

Connor didn't care if he got in trouble for lying about Sharon Goodwin's words. Matilda was family and he would do anything for her no matter the consequences.

***

Connor walked into the waiting room to see Jay, Will and Natalie. “So she had a seizure because of how hard she hit her head. She also has a mild concussion. I want to keep her for 3 nights just for observation. She wasn't reacting to the meds we originally gave her so I want to rey giving her something else.” Connor explained

“Why wasn't she reacting to the meds”. Jay asked obviously concerned

“I don't exactly know why, I wanna take her up for testing if it's ok with you and hailey”

“You can do it, Me and hailey give you permission to do whatever it takes to help Mattie '' Even though hailey was here he knew she would give permission.

“We moved her to a room on the Peds floor, but she is awake so you can go see her,” Connor said.

“I have to go take care of patients but ill make sure to come see her when i can. I’ll find someone to cover you for a couple of hours” Natalie said while getting up

“Thanks Nat” Will replied while walking away from her

***

“ARE YOU INSANE SOPHIA?” Hailey yelled at her eldest child “MATTIE COULD HAVE SOME SERIOUS DAMAGE NOW, DO YOU REALIZE THAT” 

“Hailey take a break or go see your daughter, I’ll deal with her” Voight stepped in.

Sophia let out a gulp knowing shes dead. If you were in trouble and Hank Voight stepped in to deal with you, you might as well just go to jail.

But this time was different, something about the way he was talking was completely different from when he would usually yell at the kids when they were in trouble. This time he was…he was Comforting and nice.

Hanks Pov

“Sophia, you do understand that your parents are extremely mad at you”

Sophia was too scared to even talk. She thought if she said something Hank would blow up at her.

(Idk what else to do for this part let's just say that hank didn't yell at her and he listened to why she did what she did)

***

Matilda’s Pov

All I could hear was ringing and muffled voices all around me. When I tried to open my eyes I immediately shut them because of the blinding light. I can feel someone holding my hand and I finally open my eyes to see my dad sleeping in the chair, he moved close to my bed and my uncle will talking to my mom catching her up on what happened, to wherever she went…

My head is pounding and my mind feels hazy. “Did I have a seizure or something?” I think to myself.

Just then my dad wakes up and sees me looking around the room. 

Jays pov

I can see Mattie’s eyes and she is obviously confused and wondering why she's here. It's not our first time here and everytime she ends up crying because she doesn't remember what happened and she's confused. 

“Hey Mattie, how are you feeling?”

“Like I was thrown in a washing machine on a spin cycle.”

“I can see your humor and attitude hasn't gone away.” I chuckle

Just then will and hailey come into the room asking all type of questions

“Maybe you guys need to calm down on the questions and-” Before I could finish Mattie started crying.

“Why’s she crying?” Hailey asks concerned 

“She usually cries after waking up because she's confused and scared. Plus you two bombarded her with questions as soon as you saw her” I reply with a snarky tone

Just then the pager went off“ Shoot i gotta go take care of a patient i’ll be back later Mattie.”

“So did you talk to Soph” I said breaking the silence

“Yeah i yelled at her for like 2 seconds before voight came in.”She said looking down at the floor

“And what did she say?”

“She explained everything and i understand why she pushed her”

“Really hailey, you're protecting sophia again? She's the reason why we're having this conversation right now.” I yell but in a whisper

“Jay, how about we talk about this at home, we're in a hospital.” She says

“Fine, we'll talk at home. ”

***

I am so fed up with Hailey always protecting Sophia in these types of situations and using her disability as an excuse for her actions. “You're never here to see what's going every time she's in the hospital the first night, You're always at home with sophia.” I snap

“Well, yeah who else is going to watch her?”

“HAILEY, she's 16 years old, Mattie was staying at home watching her at 12 when we were at work and when sophia wasn't home” I yell but none it down because it's night time and i don't want Sophia and Mattie to wake up.

“I WAS WITH SOPH ALL ALONE HAVING TO DEAL WITH HER” she yelled back in a whisper.

“You seem to prioritize Sophia over mattie. Did you forget that you have another daughter? You made me feel like i needed to pay attention to Soph more than Mattie”

“Jay I-” She tried to speak but I cut her off. “No, I need to talk. Matilda has felt miserable for 3 years because of us. I didn't even realize I was making her childhood like mine. She felt like a glass child for years hailey…YEARS, and now when i try to hang out with her and be with her you need to put yourself there and say that “You should take Soph with you” I imitated her “Sophia this, Sophia that” I imitated her again “Do you ever get tired of talking about sophia?, NO YOU CLEARLY DON'T” I yell this time “GOD HAILEY WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? YOU HAVE TWO KIDS NOT ONE, BUT TWO.” I shout in her face “I am so done with you right now-”

Just then Matilda walks in the kitchen wondering what's with all the shouting

“Dad, what's going on?” she asks

“Nothing Mattie, go back to bed i’ll be there in a minute” I reply with a smile

She runs back up the stairs and I turn back to my wife. “You don't even go to her competitions anymore…” is all i could say. I couldn't stand to see her right now. 

I walk up to mattie room and knock on the door frame “Hey my favorite ice skater, can i come in?

“Sure”

I walk into Mattie's room and sit on the bed. 

“Hey dad?” 

“Yeah?”

“Are you and mom gonna split up?” she asks me with tears in her eyes

“Oh Mattie, I really don't know honey. Me and mom are just going through stuff and we aren't happy with each other right now” I tell her while bring her in for a hug

“I heard you arguing about me and Soph, but mostly me” 

“We just had a disagreement about something that had you in it. It's fine, nothing bad was said about you. I reassured her

“You don't have to talk to me like i'm five anymore dad” She said making the word five very clear

“You're still gonna be my tiny little baby forever though” I chuckle “Mind if I sleep here tonight?” I didn't want to sleep in the same bed with hailey let alone be in the same room with her.

“Why” Shes asks

I quickly come up with a lie that she will believe due to the recent events “Will and Connor said i need to watch you just incase you know”

“Sure you can go get the spare mattress in my closet because i know you wont sleep in my bed because you complain i move in my sleep, plus i don't wanna sleep by someone who snores like a bear”

“You got one thing right, you move in your sleep like crazy and two I do not snore like a bear, I sleep peacefully like a baby.” I say while bringing the mattress and blanket to the room.

While setting up the mattress I realize I don't have a pillow “Hey Mattie do you have a-” I get cut off with her throwing a pillow in my face.

“Here's your pillow you big baby”

“Alright go to bed before i ground you for doing something stupid, i'm gonna use the bathroom real quick”

“Ok”

I came out of the bathroom to see Matilda passed out in her bed. She definitely missed her bed while being at the hospital. 

I get into bed, well the mattress and think about what I'm going to do tomorrow. I can't continue living with someone who acts like this and doesn't recognize her other daughter. Let alone see her when she's in the hospital.

***

Things are different now. Hailey wouldn't agree with me on how she's wrong about Sophia and how she “can’t” take care of herself. A few months after the whole thing with Sophia and Matilda we got a divorce. We dropped the charges that were held against Sophia because we didn't want it to hurt her future. Me and her still work at intelligence but i don't come in for work unless i need to. I do cases from home in my office so I can be with Mattie and I don't have to see Hailey as much. I do go into work every couple of days to be with the team and talk about cases and whatnot. 

Mattie alsojust celebrated her 15th birthday with family and friends. As an extra gift from me to her I took on her dream vacation to paris. I even tried to ask hailey if she wanted to come but she said no and that she had work that week. I knew it was a lie because I knew her schedule and she probably just said that so she could take care of sophia.  Mattie, even a national titIe when she went to Nationals. She was the highest scoring out of the entire competition. I couldn't be happier. 

Although I do miss our whole family being together it's been better now that we're apart. I've gotten to know Mattie way more and had to listen though all the girl drama. Even had to help her when she first got her period and i didnt know who to call because Hailey and Kim were undercover. 

Life may be different than it was. What maybe a year and a half ago, but were going to be fine and were going to live with it. 

“Other things may change us, but we start and end with the family” - Anthony Brandt

This is way longer than it is on wattpad because i combined both chapters into one plus i like changing the title in tumblr for the fun and looks if it. Just a little quote to close out this story

[faggylilpunk]

Finnaly made a tumbler! Anyway, haiii! :3 i am albert, i am a punk dragon dino!

What to expect:

very leftist ideologies

Politics

16+ posts

A lot of photos of me and cass

Talk of crimes (anything serious will have a tw and be tagged appropriately)

Furry & therian content (tho less common)

Punk diy stuff (i plan to make some tutorials for a lot of the diy stuff I've made<3)

F-slur/T-slur (I am reclaiming them but will have them tagged as #f-slur and #t-slur if they bother you ofc! Not changing my @ tho, it kinda means something to me qwq)

I may post words like slut, whore, and other degrading terms, they will be tagged as said word (ex: #slut) so you can blacklist the tag ^^

I may talk about themes of self harm, violence, abuse, or explicit substances, all of which will also be tagged! (Ex: #selfharm #tw:selfharm) but i will also have a more descriptive trigger warning for heavy subjects like self harm, sa, abuse ect. If you dont wanna fully blacklist the tag ^^

Some of my patches will have things that fall under these^ o will likely not go through the effort of censoring and i might not tagg it unless it's fairly close up so if it really bothers you just block me ^^ no harsh feelings

This isn't a 18+ blog, nsfw pfps will be blocked to keep ppl safe, my cusion follows me

Do not interact if:

Nsfw pfp

Anyone else, feel free to argue and talk shit, i will put nazis, pedos, fascist, zionists, zoos, racists, and who tf else i hate in thier place or just block ya after trying lol

About me:

trans masc/enby person (gender bxy)

therian/otherkin identifying with a dinosaur-esk dragoniod (yes, I'm aware I am human -_-)

I am a plushum, meaning I have romantic and/or sexual attraction, twords plushies. I consider my bunny plush one of my partners bc i love them very much

Furry

Pansexual and arojump (under the aromantic spectrum)

I am diagnosed with autism, adhd, dyslexia and dysgraphia

Self diagnosed and peer reviewed with social anxiety, gender dysphoria (duh), bipolar disorder (not sure which one yet tbh but it's exstreamly obvious to my bipolar partner lol) and potentially dyscalcula but im not fully sure so take with a grain of salt

Mutual/social anarchist, i really wanna be able to set up a free market where I live one day

I am very vulture culture, frequently bring home dead animals to burry for respect and bones

Very left leaning if it isnt obvious enough

I've been called the f-slur & t-slur a few times. Now i call myself that because what ya gonna do if I already call myself those oh so scary words?

Im atheist and dont believe in any form of life after death but like I support yall having freedom of religion, pagens, Christians, Muslims, Satanists, like go for it, I just simply cant understand the idea of a greater purpose

I grew up where slurs were used casually. I have racist redneck family. Thankfully, I grew up to realize wtf is actually wrong with that side of my family ?-? You can break out of shitty thinking, there is no excuse for racism, homophobia, transphobia, ableism, ect. Like get a life

I try my best to support, but we can only walk places, and we frequently eat outta dumpsters

More will be added as i think of stuff

[batmanfruitloops]

Oh what a coincidence, my sibling has been replaying Arkham Knight too! What are your opinions on the Arkham series? The story? Designs? I quite liked the first two, I wasn't a big fan of the car mechanics in the third but I appreciate a good scarecrow plot

I love the series but I enjoy playing more than the stories. My favorite of the series is Arkham Knight, I love the open world, the story, the environments, and the gameplay. It seems like most people hate the car, including myself but I do get a kick out of how violently I smack into things or how easily I flip myself over, especially while Eddie yells at me. I don't like that a big chunk of the puzzles are reliant on the car. I just enjoy being Batman and talking to myself in character. Also, I think Arkham Knight Scarecrow is hot, so more reason to play.

I do like how much all the games have in terms of content, there's so much to do and look at. Origins is my least favorite, I find it a bit boring and it's a pretty buggy game in my experience but it does offer a lot to do compared to City and Asylum. Also, I collected all the "riddles" in Origins TWO TIMES and it glitched in such a way it thought I still had one riddle left so I didn't get the prize for getting all the riddles. Despite these issues, I would like to 100% it eventually like I have with the other three.

I love the art and designs and all the little attention to detail. I appreciate that you can look at the concept art in each game, as I would love to do stuff like that for my career. Though I think artistically they're all pleasant I'm not a big fan of a lot of the characterizations, I wouldn't say the writing is bad the stories are pretty solid but it's mostly the way characters are written that I have an issue with. Especially, Batman, I feel like he's out of character a lot of the time and seems too pessimistic about things, especially in regards to the villains. He seems to have no hope of helping them and is pretty rude to them. Like calling Waylon ugly or just completely dehumanizing him calling Waylon an animal or referring to him as "it". Or when he brings up Eddie's diagnoses as if he's stuck like that or there's no hope for him to recover when there are most certainly treatments for someone with those mental illnesses/disabilities. It rubs me the wrong way whenever, at least when I perceive it to be that way, any kind of illness or disability (mental or physical) is treated like that makes you evil or it means there's no hope for you because the aforementioned "issues" prevent you from changing. You could argue that they are choosing to be horrible people, but I don't feel like that is what is being communicated. Maybe that's just my own bias.

Also, the conditions of Arkham don't seem to be brought up, in regards to Asylum and City. Like that's why they're not getting better and actively getting worse. It seems like Batman has little compassion for anyone and just wants to send the rogues to jail and the way he treats his allies doesn't seem like "I'm doing this to protect you because I care" rather that they are just in his way. Overall it's just too gloomy for me. Maybe because it's written for a video game and it's trying to avoid ludo narrative dissonance. I don't know, I'm not an expert. Because of this I always joke that I've killed whatever enemy (ies) I've taken out. I make my own fun and joke around a lot while playing to enjoy the world more. I don't want to think about the bleakness of it.

Despite the outlook being relatively grim and bleak, they are some of my favorite video games ever. I don't have to be enveloped in that story and can just enjoy the gameplay and do my own silly little thing being an absolute gremlin of a Batman and making the characters kiss in my mind. It's just a fun place to scream and yell and run around and say "I'm Batman" to myself while flirting or yelling at whatever character (or making them flirt/yell at each other).

-Fluffy

[milfygerard]

Not to tell you how to run your own blog but I loved the discussions full of nuance and would love to see them more often. But also on the other hand I know people who did that often enough that they ended up a target of hate too. Apologies for sending the super chaotic album analysis ask, I was running on fumes too, it was 5am and I hadn't gone to bed yet. The winter months come and I always have trouble waking up before the sun sets, and falling asleep before the sunrise.

Anyway I am not diagnosed with anything, never really could be with where I am, even more so as a woman (we don't even have ADHD meds, those with a diagnosis travel abroad just to buy them) but I have an inkling I might be ND because of many factors but mainly due to feeling like I'm an alien my entire life which no one seems to understand. I've thought about going abroad to get a diagnosis and then I read about what they were doing to ND people during covid and I went fuck that I'll stay wondering and alive. As for Taylor I think the biggest pointer for me was seeing her directing Me! and saying she needs to do less "dead face" or whatever she called it when looking at the footage. I went, oh I know that, it's the thing I also tell myself to do when surrounded by people. Later on I learned why that might be a thing I do lmaooo

the absolute dread i felt getting this anon notif like oh no...it begins

I appreciate the very valid concerns, ive seen how swifties can react to and treat blogs that post too much about subjects they don't like or see as valid. I also have mutuals ive seen get on the wrong end of swiftie harassment and it definitely seems overwhelming at the very least. I have a bit of luck/disguise on my end because ive kind of deduced that swifties seem to not care too much about me if they arent mutuals bc i am not technically a swiftie blog. She's definitely the special interest ive been talking about the most, but I don't post about her solely, I don't have her as my icon or in my url (girard <3) or mentioned anywhere that i'm a swift enjoyer except for me tagging her posts for mutuals who don't wanna see it. My actual posts that I write about her rarely get a Ton of notes and i make them pretty sparsely while also talking about and reblogging a ton of other random shit. I think this helps lessen the likeliness that I'll get someone who like...obsessively reads my blog to point out how stupid dumb and stupid my takes are and get attached to me in like a lolcow sense of trying to provoke me into arguing or entertaining them. If i do start getting some of that, I'll probably just turn off anon and asks for awhile and eventually theyll forget I exist or maybe even block me, imagine that <3

For the second part, I do encourage you to look into whatever neurodivergencies you think you may have even if a literal doctors diagnosis isnt a possibility! Part of the reason im pretty comfortable with tossing around words like autism is because I don't see professional diagnosis as a be all end all, nor do I think its bad to give yourself a "wrong" diagnosis while trying to understand yourself. Even if you don't end up identifying with autistm, I think being around autistic circles and learning about coping mechanisms and thought processes for other neurodivergencies can be so helpful for understanding yourself and your brain, and can bring really helpful. Like, I don't personally have DID or severe psychosis but talking to and reading write ups from mutuals has let me learn about them as like mundane mental health issues/NDs that anyone could have as well as issues i have had in the past with mild hallucinations or conceptions of personality. Most mental illnesses and NDs are treated very strangely and cruelly in general society and are considered aberrant or inherently bad or painful, but these are normal and often neutral (or positive! Which is often ignored or not considered) aspects of peoples lives.

If you are curious about self diagnosis, the most reliable and popular test online is the RAADS-R questionnaire which theres a great version of on embrace autism which i also definitely recommend scrolling through. They also have interesting articles, alternate tests and articles and tests for other neurodivergencies like OCD, which really opened my eyes to the likeliness that I've been suffering with undiagnosed OCD for pretty much my entire life. Theres also an autism forum if you want a broader spread of information and advice that might not be immediately accessible to you. I didnt touch on taylor much in this response (the dead face thing is extremely real, that and her talking about deciding to make the blood in anti hero purple glitter glue because she doesnt feel like a real normal human being in that directors on directors interview) but I do hope the other stuff is helpful and not too rambly <3 autism forever

[abcleverun]

In Defense of @xcatxgirlx

There was drama in the Ben 10 fandom ages ago. Little fuzzy on the exact details, but one of the major points of it (from my perspective) was this post.

In the post, my good friend Lenin added joke tags about their headcanon that Ben would grow up to be a multiple-time divorcee, but would eventually get his life together and settle down in a loving marriage with Rook.

I've known Lenin for years, and they often make jokes like this. I know for a fact that they genuinely care about Ben as a character, and I've seen their writing about Ben getting a happy ending. But the catch is, Lenin is also a fairly private person, and they don't often share their work with others unless they're close with them. Edit: Mb, I got this wrong. Lenin was new to the fandom and just started making posts about it. The context was something they provided in Ruby’s old server, but hadn’t shared with others yet.

So since she has no frame of reference, this is where Cat misinterprets the post as a genuine attack on Ben's character. (Double edit: I’m not trying to defend Cat’s behavior here. My point is, I don’t think she’s a monster)

Everyone who knows of Cat knows she's an extremely defensive person, especially when it comes to Ben. So she takes Lenin's comments seriously, making a response siting multiple canonical sources about how Ben is a good love interest.

Now, personally, I think it's reductive to label people as "deranged" or "unhinged" for being attached to a character. This entire drama was centered around ableism, and it's fairly hypocritical to overlook how she's been treated—not just here, but broadly. She's given little to no charity because she's "weird" about Ben. I don't mean to compare, but looking back, it seems that Cat was treated... like she was insane. Just because few people used the words, doesn't mean she wasn't treated like a psycho. It's the kind of hypocritical leftist thought of, "ableism is wrong, (except when someone's being the wrong kind of neurodivergent.)" And I'm not here to diagnose her, but you don't need a diagnosis to understand that, when someone behaves differently, they shouldn't be treated like they're freaks.

But of course, as people will argue, it's mostly about the harm someone does. And people say Cat caused a lot of harm.

So I'm going to say something. And people will almost certainly disagree, but if you have receipts, I'm more than happy to see them! I'd love to, I'm more than willing to be proven wrong!

However, from what I've seen,

She has never made a post attacking a specific person.

All her posts are about taking an argument and breaking it down. Her primary goal isn't to harass anyone, it's to defend Ben.

People talk about harassment campaigns. People often say, "Cat and co."

But, despite everything, she's... shockingly... absent.

She makes a point. She will argue that point. But if things go into ad hominins, or ultimately go nowhere, she will block you. Like she had me blocked, for the longest time.

There were harassment campaigns, but it wasn't her.

Again, people referenced "Cat and co."

So who was co?

Omnicrom was the one who caused this to become something bigger. Omnicrom was the one who never blocked anyone, Omnicrom was the one who called people pieces of shit in human skin, Omnicrom is the one who has a massive harassment post as their pinned post.

But Omnicrom and Cat are friends, right?

Well.

Omnicrom's blog is FULL of them reblogging and replying to Cat's posts. But what's fascinating is, Cat almost never replies back. Cat rarely talks to them, at least publicly.

So if they're not close, then why did Cat never call out Omni's behavior? Well, think about it. What other allies does Cat have? Even if she doesn't care for them, who else is regularly treating her with any kind of civility?

Why would she go out of her way to alienate one of the only people in the fandom treating her in any way that's halfway decent, especially when everyone else thinks she's a monster?

I know I probably don't have the full story. I know there's a lot of pieces that I'm missing. But I think I know enough to confidently say that Cat has been given the shit end of the stick, and a lot of shitty things that other people did have been unjustly pinned on her. It's obvious that Cat has a story behind her, that there's a reason she grew claws. Call me a bleeding heart, but I think she deserves more charitability than she was given.

[bluegoblinfox]

Non verbal or not non verbal?

I've really struggled to express this and why I am having difficulty with not using the term become non-verbal. I'm gen x and I'm trying to understand. Please be kind.

This it's been a part of my life always really. It's just when it got to this point I would hide away my own. It wasn't really an issue in my day-to-day life because I was masking so much. However I would burn out and need to take days and days off work to recover on I've regular basis. Places of work don't like this.

When my daughter was unwell and I was caring for her full time and intensively, I became very burnt out. I Began noticing that I would start to do what I called- loose my words. It would be like there was a fog in my brain between what I was thinking and feeling and putting that into language and then expressing that in words. At its best this would just be a verbal difficulty and at its worse I couldn't communicate in writing either.

When my daughter hit crisis, so did I. When she went into a crisis house and then went into a psychiatric unit, I began to notice the periods of me having difficulty expressing myself with words was becoming more frequent. As I said at best this was a shutdown verbally and at worse it was an inability to communicate using language at all.

It seems like the more stressed I was, the more stressful the situation was, the more emotive situation was and the more communicating I needed to do, the more difficulty communicating I had.

I still have these issues. I can feel them coming on most of the time. When it's all getting too much and I'm shutting down and my communication ability shuts down too. I still use the phrase losing words. However most people don't understand what that means and what it means for me.

I have used the phrase becoming non-verbal to describe my difficulties during these periods. I have recently read on Tumblr from people who are non-verbal all of the time that this is offensive. I don't fully understand at the moment why that is but I want to understand.

I don't feel the term semi verbal quite describes me as the majority of the time I can communicate using my voice and typing. I don't feel the term selective mute is an adequate definition of what it is I experience. I don't know I could be wrong on this.

I don't want to use language which detracts from other autistic's experiences or obstructs understanding. I do however need to use words that other people generally are able to understand the meaning of.

I think discourse is important. It is vital to establish a shared and precise comprehension of the meanings of words. It is equally important to grasp their significance within different social groups. These meanings contribute to the associated ideas, assumptions, and stereotypes related to those words. The common understanding of these words and any prevalent stereotypical beliefs associated with the group they describe can unfortunately result in discrimination and prejudiced actions.

However I don't believe in the gatekeeping of terms, definitions, labels, over who can use them.

I am queer and there are many definitions of what that means. However generally it means not cis-heterosexual.

Queerness like autism is a spectrum consisting of many parts. My queerness is more evident in some parts of my life and less so in others. My autism is impacts me to different degrees in different areas of my life. I am 100% autistic and I am 100% queer. Both those labels apply to me as an individual, as ways of describing my gender identity and sexuality succinctly and as a way of describing my neurotype succinctly.

People are argue all the time about who has the right to use these labels. I don't care if you are self-diagnosed autistic I think that is just as valid as a diagnostic label. I don't care why or for how long or when you decide that you identify as queer. It is just as valid to decide that you are queer in your teens or when you're 50.

I experience not being able to use language verbally at times. I don't understand at present why it would be offensive or wrong for me to say I experience becoming non-verbal at times. As this is a succinct and well understood way of describing this experience in a way that others can understand.

If someone can explain this issue to me in a way that makes sense and can suggest another way of me explaining my experience and getting my point across regarding my support needs to people in general without saying I have periods where I am non-verbal, then I will stop using that term.

[balkanradfem]

Okay, I need a piece of advice.

I've been worried about this all day. I will eventually get to see another specialist for neck pain, and I have to find a way to behave so that he or she doesn't immediately diagnose me with 'psychiatric issues'. I've been trying to see what I've done wrong the first time - I was very nervous, worried, timid, and answered all questions honestly without thinking. Even when I was asked really personal questions, like 'are you married, do you have kids, where do you live, with who, are you employed, what do you do, are you on any medication', because I didn't think the specialist was asking with the intent to dismiss my pain. She specifically asked me if I'm on any medication 3 times, even though every time I said no.

I want your experiences and ideas about how I should act in the specialist's office so I do get taken seriously. Should I refuse to answer personal questions, or is that sure to get me dismissed even faster? Should I reveal that another specialist has dismissed me? Should I admit that I've been to a private practice and got some unconfirmed diagnosis?

The first time I was so scared and timid, when I tried to explain that it's not psychosomatic pain, the woman just shut me up and had me sit there silently while she was typing in that I'm psychologically ill. It was a horrible experience and I don't want to repeat it.

My instincts are to desperately try to convince this person that I am in fact, in pain, but in case they're looking to dismiss me, that alone would be enough, right? How do I say it then? Do I act calm and serious? Do I argue? Do I try to assert my own opinion at all? If I get argumentative, will I get kicked out?

I want to know what kind of attitudes are most likely to bring me to failure, and what could potentially work to make the person believe that I'm having a real problem and need her to help me and not dismiss me. Being polite, honest, nervous and trusting has failed me.

[professional-jaywalker]

i'm sorry i'm just... figuring something out so... would you be able to talk about what internal voices "sound" like? with schizophrenia

In my case which. I am not a model for schizophrenia. I do need to note that. I am diagnosed with schizophrenia but generally have a type psychosis that worsen considerably with stress, which is described as dysthymic schizophrenia in my french diagnosis, but doesn't tend to follow the same constant severity of some of my schizophrenic peers.

So I will moreso talk about psychotic voices bc the only thing I'm certain of is that they are linked to psychosis, they might be able to happen in other disorders considering the blurriness of my own situation (I've for exemple also been diagnosed as a weird type of bipolar for a while).

Anyway, in my case, I could "hear" voices inside my head, who were very recognizably not from outside of it, I couldn't mistake it for someone talking to me. It was moreso like hearing you internal dialogue, but another voice you cannot control. I honestly interpreted it for years as a normal thing that happened to everyone due to that, and I'm not completely wrong in that assumption, as I've very much met other people, particularly commonly writers, who had voices that were semi to fully autonomous talking to them, but never seeked any diagnosis since it didn't impact their quality of life.

However in my case I had both recurring voices (characters with names and preferences, who I'll categorize as having tagged along for at least a few months) and non reccuring voices (very simplistic presences who did not have a name and were very single minded). An exemple of a recurring voice is Sunahbii, my headmate, who's an eldritch beast, is very independent, highly dislike sexual topics, etc. He feels like a person, and this is the type of voice I have that is analogous to an alter, and although they can be aggressive, they are not just so and can be reasoned. An exemple of non recurring voice could be a voice that shows up one evening to argue that someone followed me home. These voices have been practically always aggressive, cannot be reasoned, and pretty much are weird intrusive thoughts screaming at me in my brain.

The recurring type is rather rare, I've had a single one that was present since I was a young teen, Sunahbii, and around 4-5 at most in my life.

Both type of voices happen more when I'm in a psychotic state, but although I used to pretty regularly get new non recurring voices, I very very seldom got new recurring voices. The only time I can remember when I had an explosion of complex voiced was when I had my biggest psychotic break, and that case was correlated to feelings of switching, and generally very system like stuff, however, I'm,,,,, suspicious of that event as the nature of the psychotic break was partially tied to someone telling me they thought I was a system and that I had forgotten my trauma. It was not caused by that person, mind you, but while in a psychotic break I am very easy to influence and I theorize the very system like traits, which stopped after the psychotic break receded, were just how my psychosis reacted.

So tl;Dr :

- the voices are internal and not able to be mistaken for speech. They are like the voice you hear when you think words in your brain intentionally, I just don't control them and they have their own "tone".

- I have alter like voices that stick with me during a long period of time and keep a coherent personality, but also intrusive thought-like voices that stick just for the duration of the discussion and have no real personality.

- alter like voices can be aggressive but can be reasoned, intrusive voices are just. Kinda repeating whatever they're trying to say and it tends to be very unpleasant.

- I do not seem to switch naturally. I also experience derealization (outside world feels weird) but I do not dissociate or feel like I skip time. I do not have significant trauma. These are all specific to me, I do not really know if someone else with whatever I have could possibly switch.

- both type of voices went away upon taking antipsychotics. I have taken quetiapine (Seroquel I think in English?) and Loxapac, both seem to block them.

Hope that's enough to help.

[golbrocklovely]

So I just read your "opinion" on Sam's dumb and wise business/platform and I think you are completely wrong, Sam has spoken up about his mental health in multiple of his video and speaks about it in messages he sends out to fans via email. Sam has/still does struggle with mental health but it's not always going to show. It is much more difficult for social media influencers to speak out about their mental health because most people will think that they want more views or just want more money, some people even think that they are just lying "because they have this perfect life, they have everything" which is so fucking far from the truth. Sam has busted his ass working on dumb and wise and for you to just bring it down is completely wrong, Sam is just trying to find a way to reach out to people who have these problems to try and help that has been his and Colby's goal from the start (which again they have mentioned in multiple videos). I think maybe you should do a little more research on a topic like this before you bring it down because as a person who struggles with depression and mental health problems I can say it is not easy to speak out about, most of us find it easier to just lock it away with a smile. So like I said try doing more research on a topic like this before sharing it to the public..

i've been following sam and colby since 2018, and i am very well aware of what sam has said about what he does and doesn't struggle with. i've been following dumb and wise since he started it too.

that being said, sam (and colby as well) have outwardly said that he doesn't struggle with any mental illnesses, like depression, anxiety, ect ect. is it possible that he does but doesn't tell the fandom about it? of course. but i'll take his word first before assuming otherwise.

i do agree with you that influencers struggle talking about their mental health problems online bc of judgement and hate. that's very true and i totally get why certain ppl, even if they are going thru it, don't mention it to their fans. but if i'm allowed to argue about this, this would be the one place where sam would be accepted to talk about his struggles especially since that's what his platform of dumb and wise is about. obviously there are still gonna be ppl that hate or diss him or don't believe him, but that would happen regardless.

however, that doesn't mean he has to share; if he even has one in the first place. bc again, he has said otherwise.

i personally have never said he doesn't deserve to have his platform or that bc he hasn't been diagnosed with a mental illness that he shouldn't talk about this type of stuff. a lot of his advice can be used for those struggling and not. and if it works for you, that's great. more power to you. please listen to him and ignore whatever i have to say. i'm one person with one opinion and you don't gotta listen to me.

and obviously, i don't know everything going on bts with sam (or colby for that matter). and it's not my place to know. i don't expect them to share everything. and i know that my assumption about their lives is just that - an assumption. there's a lot going on that i will never be purvey to and bc of that i know my opinion isn't 100% right or the truth.

but from my perspective, as someone who does have anxiety and depression and has had it since i was a young teen, a lot of his advice falls flat for me. it doesn't work for my life and what i have gone thru. and sometimes, it is hard to hear what he has to say bc his way of viewing the world isn't what i have experienced in my life, or my hardships. and if i'm to go off of my assumption about his life (bc again, i don't know all the ins and outs of it), he has lived a privileged life that is not comparable to mine. he succeeds in fields that i will never be able to touch. he has money i will never own and bc of that, he gets a lot of things he needs faster than i ever could. and bc of that, some of his advice isn't my reality. that's not to say it's bad advice. for you, it works. and that's great. i hope it continues to work, truly. but for me that's just not the case. and i've come to find that i'm not the only one that feels that way.

and if you don't agree, totally fine. ain't nothing wrong with that. none of us wish that sam didn't have his platform. the more ppl talking about mental health, the better. god knows it needs less stigmatizing. and i honestly hope that he continues to grow his platform in that regard.

[beeventsaboutstuff]

so i've been properly diagnosed as mentally ill in some shape or form for maybe 5 years now, i was about 14 when i saw my first counsellor and figured out my trans identity not long after. since then i've dropped out of school on and off, lost contact with all my friends, stopped leaving the house outside of medical appointments and basically hidden in my room alone :3

the plus side is i started hrt earlier this year, and a good laser lady a while after that so my confidence in my physical appearance has improved a lot for the first time in years! i have a few more sessions with the lady and then hopefully my face will settle down a bit and i'll be able to branch out a bit and finally re-enter the world!

unfortunately my girlfriend broke up with me almost a month ago (a month in two days, yes i'm keeping track and yes i'm trying to stop because yes it's ruining me). we'd been together almost 18 months, and as cliché as it is i did truly think that my first girlfriend at 17 would be with me forever- it came as quite a blow, especially considering how adamant she'd been that she wanted to stay with me forever, move in, get married, etc etc, until she decided she actually didn't love me anymore and now i'll never speak to her again.

as time passes and the shock sort of melts away, i've started feeling more suicidal than i have in a very long time. i feel so alienated and alone, i don't feel like i can connect to anybody on an emotional level, as silly as it sounds i just feel most of the time like i was supposed to be somewhere else in the universe, maybe in a different time or just not at all. i'm so scared and sad and broken down by such minute road bumps, i can't help but feel like i was just built wrong, like something was putting me together but hit a deadline and had to just chuck me in there and hope for the best.

it's sort of compounded quite a lot by the aforementioned breakup- i truly thought we were in love, but the more i think about it (as much as i try not to too much) the more i don't think she really did love me. she'd be so angry if she knew i thought this, but i think she just wanted to have *a* girlfriend. the hypothetical, idealised version of a cute, funny, smart, creative girl to look after and fuss over; not me, the person who sits in her room doodling depressed deer people and playing elden ring (no surprises i'm not particularly good at that either >.>)

we talked constantly, about fun things but about difficult things too!! we were very open (at least i thought so) and honest, and whenever things got difficult (as they do for two mentally ill neurodivergent trans people in a long distance relationship) we talked it out and found a solution. we never really argued, never even really disagreed!

but, for a multitude of reasons that were nobody's fault, it felt like a lot of the time the focus was on her. we talked about her friends, her job, her hobbies, her struggles, we watched her videos, played her games. and i loved it, because i loved her, and getting to sit and be in awe of her for every second of the day was a dream come true! but, as she often pointed out and got upset about, i struggled a lot to be as vulnerable as her or to take up as much space as her, and in hindsight i think that just allowed her to fill in the gaps with ideas of who she wanted. i think she eventually realised that she didn't like me all that much, that she'd rather be with her friends or meeting people on her dating app or maybe even just being alone.

what scares me probably the most- maybe even more so than having to spend each day without her, not knowing where she is or what she's doing, whether she's painting or hanging out with her friends or going to work- is that somebody can go from insisting they love you more than anything in the world to telling you they don't think they love you anymore in an instant. if she couldn't tell me she didn't care, then who could? she was so honest and open, we were so communicative, conditions for telling someone you aren't sure couldn't possibly be better! and yet, 18 months later, here i am stuck on the same thought- did she ever love me? did she ever care, even a bit? and even worse, maybe she *did* love me, but she stopped. because i wasn't pretty enough, funny enough, engaging enough, whatever it is that i was doing wrong.

every day i sit on our little bench in front of the shower, trying to listen to music that won't make me cry but won't make me dissociate either, staring at that hellish little box trying to figure out what the point is. maybe i just don't want to live in a world where someone can decide they've had enough and move on to bigger and better things without a warning. i can't help but feel like i was built wrong, and that scares the shit out of me, because there's no medicating that. there's no amount of cbt or dbt or family therapy or diagnoses that can fix that, there's no number of hours sobbing into my duvet that will get that out of my system. more than anything in the world, i wish i could just curl up in bed and disappear, to not be scared or sad or alone anymore.

[chekovsphaser]

Okay, because 1 person (thanks @starrycardinal) asked, here's the essay (or what I remember of it):

I realised there was something wrong with me when I was about 5 or 6. It wasn't something concrete, that I could describe or name, but something about me made other people think that there was something wrong. That I was somehow different. That I was 'weird'. I tried to be normal. Sometimes under deliberate prompting (usually from a parent or guardian "Just be normal for once!"), most of the time not. I tried so hard all the time, only to constantly and consistently fall short. I couldn't be normal, no matter how hard I tried, and somehow, though everyone could tell there was something wrong with me, no one could explain it to me or give it a name. I was always trying and always being chastised for not trying.

When I was about 10 I decided that normal wasn't worth aiming for. That since I was Weird no matter what, then I was Weird and that was fine. I still got told off by adults and kids alike, but what are they going to do? When a classmate sneered and said "You're Weird" like it was the worst insult, like I was dirt under her shoe, I said "Yes. I am. So What?". Me existing wasn't something I thought I should feel bad about. I became Proud of being Weird.

I didn't have words for what it was, this undefined Otherness that I was characterized by in the eyes of others. I do now. I am Autistic. Back then, I was just Weird.

I think you can see where this is going.

When I was 12, we moved again, and a lot of things happened. Our church and youth group made me intimately aware of the spectre of the bogey-man that is sexuality, how boys were only after sex, how girls and boys were supposed to act, how sex left a mark on you, the evils of homosexuality. Of course, none of it was true, but I believed it back then. In my attempts to be good, and act how girls were supposed to act, I circled back into shame for being Weird. And for other things.

My very first sex dream was about a girl who I called my best friend. I convinced myself it didn't count because it was a thought and not an action. When I was called Gay and Lesbian (and one time Dyke) at school I used to argue back that I'm not Gay I'm just a Tomboy. That's why I want to have short hair. That's why I don't wear makeup or heels. I have a boyfriend. I'm not like that. But it never convinced them. There was a "scandal" once about someone discovering a guy from our church was gay and had gone to pride (in a different COUNTRY but they saw a picture of him there in a news article). People threw around terms like "transexual" and "drag queen" for the first time in my life. I remember saying "that's ridiculous. I wish I'd been a boy but I'm not and I can't change that. I'm a tomboy".

When I was 14, our youth leaders did an anonymous survey of everyone in the youth group of things we struggled with. The purpose of this was to determine what kinds of topics to cover over the next year. One of the questions was "have you ever struggled with homosexual thoughts?". I remember thinking, as clear as day, that if I said "yes" everyone would know it was me. Even though there was no writing on the sheet, just ticking boxes with no names. Ticking "yes" was akin to confessing. Because after all, it was obvious to people at school somehow. I've always been obvious without knowing how. So I said "no".

Two weeks later, we were watching a film at our youth leader's house on her laptop, and I accidentally minimized the window and saw the stats analysis for the survey results. 97% of the girls at youth group had answered "yes" to that question. By my calculations that means I was the only one who said "no". Of the 30-odd girls there, only 3 of us are self-confessed queers now. And I'm one of them. And I said "no".

I got sick, almost died, moved 3 more times, a lot of things happened. I had to have the Proud to be Weird realization all over again at 17, and at 18, and 19. I was diagnosed with Autism. And I came out. We have a phrase in Portuguese, for coming out - we say "assumed yourself". Which I like better, because it's about admitting to yourself that you exist the way you do. That whether I call myself a Weird Tomboy or an Autistic Transsexual, I am still just me. And I can try to not be those things as much as possible, but all it will ever do is make me miserable - never Normal. So I decided to be Proud of being Weird. And in the same way and with a very similar meaning, Proud of being Queer. Proud, not of the achievement of existing, but Proud as in no one can make me ashamed of existing.

And that's what Pride means.

Also, why Queer is my absolute favourite identifier.

Having my usual dog-walking mental essays and even though I like, knew it, I think it really clicked for me what "pride" means and how my queer identity intersects with my autism.

[livingwithmbc]

Living with Metastatic Breast Cancer (MBC)

The past few years have been rocky to put it mildly, not just as a nation or planet, but also personally.

I'm creating this space to share periodic updates and glimpses into what it's like living with metastatic breast cancer (referred to as MBC going forward because I'm lazy and don't like typing it every time) and whatever else I feel like. I don't promise to post consistently, only as I find it helpful and have the time and energy. I do, however, promise to be real, honest, crass, and vulnerable about my experiences. I curse like a sailor and if that isn't for you, no hard feelings, but this may not be the space for you, and that's perfectly okay. I don't particularly enjoy writing, nor am I great at it, but I recognize its value and how cathartic it can be. I've always been a naturally private person as I enjoy my quiet life, but there's nothing private about having BC. Appointment after I'm appointment I remove my shirt and bra as it seems like just about every medical professional needs to feel my breast lump. Just as cancer has invaded my breast, medical traumas began invading my life. Privacy seems almost comical these days, and I was living in denial while thinking I could do this all on my own without needing the support of my friends and family. I was very wrong. I didn't (and still don't) want pity from others. Life never promised to be fair. We don't choose the cards life deals us, but it's up to us to play the hell out of those cards, and I've got a killer poker face. So ask me the questions and I'll respond when I can. This is not a journey in which it's helpful to go it alone and if anything, it's detrimental to try. Something else noteworthy is that I have ADHD (thanks, dad!). As someone with ADHD, my brain jumps around. A lot. This is evident when talking with me but also in my writing as well. Bear with me and welcome to the shitshow.

For those of you that don't know me well (or perhaps at all), I turned 33 last month and work as a mental health counselor in Indiana. I've been married to my saint of a spouse for just shy of a decade and he's been my rock. In 2020, I was gearing up to graduate with my master's in clinical mental health counseling with plans to begin our family shortly thereafter. Unfortunately, the universe had other plans.

During the summer of 2020, my spouse was diagnosed with non-Hodgkins Lymphoma at age 30, after being short of breath for no clear reason, and being gaslit by medical professionals for several months about not feeling well. To say this was a shock was an understatement. Only old people get cancer, I thought, not seemingly healthy and active 30-year-olds. Our plans to begin trying to conceive were temporarily tabled as the focus shifted to my husband's health. I was devastated but chanted the mantra, "this too shall pass". We were told we had to wait at least 2 years to try to have kids due to the intense medications and treatments he was on. He spent months doing aggressive rounds of chemo, all while working almost full time. To say he's my hero would be putting it mildly. It's been about 2 years since his diagnosis and I'm thrilled to report he's still in remission!

Fast forward to early 2022. I noticed some dimpling under one of my breasts, but genuinely didn't think too much of it. Historically speaking, I've never been an overly anxious person, and typically don't worry much until there's truly something to worry about. My spouse encouraged me to schedule an appointment ASAP (he's the worrier). I already had an OB appointment upcoming so I planned to discuss the dimpling then as my neurodivergent brain couldn't handle making more phone calls for appointments and things. Unfortunately, the doctor felt a lump (I couldn't) and the ensuing weeks and months would prove to be an overwhelming whirlwind of fears, appointments, and uncertainties.

I like to think I have a good sense of humor, even if it's dark (I'd argue you have to have dark humor to survive in the mental health field). On Friday the 13th of May I was told my breast biopsy confirmed the worst: I have invasive ductile carcinoma. Jason was nowhere in sight but I would have been more accepting of his existence than me having cancer. I'll never forget the look of pity on the nurse's face delivering that news. I could tell she was going out of her way to try and make me feel better about the diagnosis, saying things along the lines of, "it was caught early, you won't die. You'll be fine." I remember taking the news surprisingly well and not being too phased by it. "I'm going to kick cancer's ass," I thought. I'm stubbornly determined when I set my mind to a task and cancer was no different in my mind. Mind over matter, as they say. Hell, I was even given a BC swag bag on my way out the door. I quickly got scheduled with an oncologist who set up scans, blood draws, the whole gambit. Getting breast cancer at 32 was jarring for the medical providers around me given that I have no family history of breast cancer. Genetic testing was order and I learned that I have an ATM genetic mutation, pre-disposing me to breast cancer and a handful of other cancers. The results were bittersweet as it provided answers to the "why" of cancer early in life, but shifted the initial surgery treatment plan to opting for a double mastectomy. I was generally still in high spirits, and made light of it all, joking about getting a shiny new rack as a silver lining of a shitty situation. When life gives you lemons, make tittyaide, I said. As scan results began to roll in, the plan abruptly shifted. A suspicious spot was found on my sternum and a biopsy confirmed the worst: the cancer had already spread to my sternum, meaning I was now dealing with stage 4 metastatic breast cancer, a completely different beast than when BC is caught early. Surgery got cancelled and starting endocrine therapy ASAP was the new plan to try and shrink the tumors. I had no idea that multiple types of BC exist, all with different treatment implications. My specific type is ER/PR+, HER2-, meaning, my cancer feeds off my hormones. The treatment? Reduce the estrogen in my body as quickly as possible and transition me into menopause, thus stifling the cancer's fuel source. In all this scary news, the thing I mourned the deepest (and still do) is the uphill journey I will face to becoming a mom. Chemo made my spouse sterile and I am unable to carry a pregnancy as I cannot stop treatment long enough to sustain a pregnancy. People mean well when they offer comments like, "you can adopt!" but I'm here to tell you how painful and invalidating that response is. There is lifelong grief associated with infertility for those that want biological children. Even if we are able to pursue foster to adoption (the only "affordable" option to becoming a parent), I will always grieve not getting the experience of being pregnant and having biological kids. As cliché as it is, it's true that you don't always realize how badly you want something until it's no longer an option.

MBC, unlike early onset BC, is considered incurable. It's not an instant death sentence, but any doctor will let you know that it's essentially terminal, meaning it's a slow death. Living with MBC is a very, very different experience as there is no end in sight unlike many other cancer experiences. I will be in treatment for the rest of my life. The statistics for long-term survival aren't great, but I know I'm much more than a statistic. My goal is to live the most fulfilling life I can for as long as I can, and I hope that means I'll be around for a very long time. There's nothing like the threat of dying to make you appreciate each and every day, including the people in your life, the jobs, the pets, nature, etc. I believe maintaining a positive mindset while looking for learning opportunities is so important in overcoming any obstacles in life and I am so incredibly thankful for all those that have shown their love and support. If you read all of my ramblings, thank you for your patience. Take time to appreciate and express gratitude for the good things in your life. No matter how bad the circumstances may be, there is always something to be grateful for. <3

[queen-of-my-goofball-army]

Undiagnosed Autism-spectrum disorder in The Michells Vs The Machines

I'm sure that more well educated people have put two and two together in this film but I really, really want to put my own spin on it from my experience. For me, as an aspie, film is one of my biggest interests. I love studying and more than anything I love watching and rewatching films. My latest favorite movie was one that I just watched last night for my family movie night, The Michells Vs The Machines. I also went 17 years of my life asking myself the same question that both Rick and his daughter ask each other, what is wrong with him/her?

Well, I'll tell you, in my firmly undiagnosed autistic opinion for far too long, that this family is full of people with undiagnosed autism spectrum disorder. When I was watching it with my parents my mom made the comment that "the dad was a jerk" and maybe "he just didn't love his daughter enough to let her be her own person." I thought that was so not seeing the bigger picture even though it was only fifteen minutes into the film. I have felt like Katie so much with my own dad. My dad is a computer nerd and a physics major for those of you that don't talk to me very often. That means in laminas terms that he's extremely smart. Way smarter than I will ever be in my entire life. Both of my parents are insanely smart in their own rights. My mom is a CPA accountant. But that isn't what I wanted to talk about here. I want to discuss the effect of undiagnosed autism and what it can do to a whole family when they all have it and just don't know that they do. This will probably go on for quite some time so you may stop here or read below the cut because this also has the probablity of getting super, duper personal.

We'll start with Katie! To me, Katie is one of the most relatable characters that I have ever come across. She's a film nerd, which alone has made her supremely relatable as somebody who is thinking about going into a degree in film studies. I am more of a critic of film than somebody who wants to make her own film but nonetheless, there were SO many little moments that I related to. The first thing that I personally noticed and related to was the stimming technique that Katie has. She chews on her hoodie strings. As somebody who has chewed on the drawstrings of hoodies far too often long before I was officially put into the Aspergers box. Aspies are also known to stick with one "special interest" for the rest of their lives if it's one that is wide enough and varied enough to make it applicable. For Katie, that's film. For me that's animation. I appreciated that little detail of most of her dialogue being references to other films because as a lover of films and movies in general I could go for days on just fumes and movie references that nobody else understands. The little things from her hair being perpetually messy (same that's a whole ass mood like I just learned over quarantine how to tye my own hair back), only having one earring in her ear at all times, the way that she dresses and draws on her own hands, this was just me when I was first in high school. I was one of the few people that wore shorts underneath all my skirts/dresses. Everyone who knew about looked at me like I had grown a third eyeball.

Aaron, the younger brother, also just oozes spectrum lil buddy out of his every pore from his being. I do think that they should have picked somebody capable of doing a bit of a younger sounding voice (I know what they were going for, but like Ben Schwartz has become a huge deal in both voice acting and live action before switching mediums.) His special interest is actually quite a common one, he loves dinosaurs. I've met a bunch of people on the spectrum that are fascinated by dinos and what they meant for the world as well as the universe as a whole. To me, there was one scene specifically that was the scene where Katie was lightly teasing him when they were going to the half assed dinosaur extravaganza. For me, this was SO relatable because both of my parents will mess with me about my interests most of the time it's when we go to Disneyland, they'll tell me that we actually aren't going to land of magic but to Timbuckto (hopefully one day they'll say some place else just to switch things up.) I related so hard to Aaron's protesting and whining in this scene since that is always my reaction to doing something that I want to do but get told that I can't do that thing.

Linda is more of your traditional mom but I think that she's on the spectrum as well. Just a more... normalized version as opposed to her family. She's able to be a teacher, she's able to interact somewhat normally around her neighbors. If anything, she reminded me of my own mom. This independent, takes nobody's trash (especially not her husband's), strong minded, and amazing mother who is completely in control of everything. She knows the special interests of her children and is constantly thinking of what will make them happy. Whether it be taking a detour for something dinosaur related, reminding her daughter that her dad loves her no matter what, and even something as simple as watching something that her daughter made and put her heart and soul into. I can't tell you how many times my mom has watched something with me. She watched my first anime Soul Eater with me when I was 12 and ever since then has been trying to get me to watch other shows with her. She's a lot like Linda, your loving, but firm mother who just wants her family to work things out.

Whew boy. This one is going to be probably where I cry. Comparing my dad to Rick is... something that I did consistently when I was watching the film. He's the strong but silent type usually, unless your me and he's just this constant annoyance when I'm trying to do something. He could be seen as just a "Jerk" but I think that is the undiagnosed aspie talking. Rick and Katie just struggle so hard to see eye to eye because their special interests can't intersect to save their lives. This, this hurt me because so often I struggle to relate to my dad. Especially when he talks to me about computers or physics. Now I took physics but without having been in quarantine and having him as my live in tutor I would have failed, not gotten an A. This has resulted me in saying things that I don't mean in the heat of the moment when we do argue. It doesn't happen nearly as much as it used to back when I was in middle school but when it happened it was because of one thing. I lied. I used to lie a lot because I felt so unworthy of being his daughter because on my best days I am not technically smart. You want to know how many nations of the world there were in 1991 when the original Animaniacs was airing? You want to hear my Dot Warner impression? Did you ever wonder how to recognize a specific voice when your watching anime? Have you ever had to watch a panel of your favorite anime voice actor just to laugh at something? No, well I did. But ever since I have started taking a quarter off from community college I have realized something. I am not technically smart. I struggle at learning the rules for math. My dad can do this with his eyes closed but me, I struggle and look like a complete moron. It took years for my dad and I to see eye to eye. Sometimes I still wonder if I was the product of some laboratory experiment of what would happen if two intelligent people came together, fell in love, and expecting that the daughter was smart I was the reject. Watching this movie with my dad I saw so much of my relationship with him on the screen. Struggling to relate to one another, fighting and getting into arguments about petty things, and not being able to be in the same room as one another without heated words because I didn't get him.

The scene that I related to the most when it was in terms of how much Katie just doesn't understand her dad was after he was nabbed by the machines. When Aaron asked her why she said those things to their dad and her simple answer was "I don't know." This. This right here was when I saw me. So many times I've gotten into heated arguments with my dad when he has simply annoyed me at the wrong time and I've just blown up in his face. Then I regret my actions and not know how to apologize for losing my temper with him because "I don't know" just doesn't seem like a nearly acceptable answer. I felt this in my soul because it happened especially often before I was diagnosed.

When I was diagnosed, things started to get better with my dad and I. We haven't had a fight in nearly four years now. He watches cartoons with me now to try and relate to me, it's mostly Pinky and The Brain but it's more than I could have ever asked for. I love my dad so much, more than anything in the entire world. This movie is so, so good at telling a story about how a family of undiagnosed aspie's and people on the spectrum struggle to relate to one another because their special interests are different.

Special interests and family's are especially difficult and I applaud this movie so loud because of the way that it was able to treat the subject matter with integrity and honesty. I'm sorry if this analysis got a little bit long in the toof but thank you for sticking with me! I really hope that if you watched the film you loved my analysis.