#things like working on 'putting myself out there' and 'trying to be more social' but that in retrospect were just making me more miserable
Explore tagged Tumblr posts
Text
I know I don't need a label to live but god do I feel miserable sometimes (paradoxically from the label and the unknown)
I am genuinely happy for my friends and their love but it is such a maze for me and maybe that's how it's supposed to feel
I've confused a friendship with what my ex friend considered "romantic" and I regretted it when I agreed to date, all this was resolved later because I confessed our feelings vary a lot
Thing is I do not feel miserable because I do not have a partner right now, absolutely not, I feel so happy because I get free time for myself and for my friends and other stuff and hobbies
I don't even want to date right now or anytime soon. And I still hang out with my friends and I am satisfied. Socially, I mean. But in the future I would love for it to work out with a future friend
I feel miserable because I am afraid that this label is going to fit way too well and I wish I was wrong. I wish I'll discover that I'm an aromantic who can feel romantic attraction just a little. for just like one person. it's scary because I don't know how it's supposed to feel
maybe I'm just an aromantic asshole who has suuuuuper unrealistic expectations, that could be the case as well
but... when would it ever stop me? I am well aware that we are all imperfect works in progress and I really want to think people are comfortable with me, or well most of them. I try to approach most people I meet, because gods I love meeting people and getting to know them, and if we establish trust we can talk about more complicated stuff and I am like down to. Because I cannot handle smalltalk constantly, we need to throw in some deeper thoughts and- and
I don't know
It just feels funny because out of all people why am I, the one who is (100%, I am so fucking sensitive) very sensitive and emotional and overthinking and overanalyzing and you know. It's funny that I'm the one who just doesn't get romantic attraction and if it happened to me like right now I'd be scared shitless. Because I don't want the chemistry of my brain to decide what I feel randomly. Like I know love from the first sight is most likely an overblown thing but also people somehow get magnetized and they just stick to each other and then just something happens. Maybe I just love everyone??? Maybe my problem is I want to have a relationship somewhere in the future but this someone has to be a friend first, but that's like the bare minimum?? That's how normal people would build a relationship, would they not?? (I mean you can date even if you know each other for a week but hey. trust issues)
It's also funny because I actually love fandom shipping, oh I love pairings so much, I love putting my own characters into relationships and I love it when some pairing clicks with my preferences. but like hell I don't even know what they are feeling and I am probably dooming the romance a little too much but I like poetic shit. I just wish. I experienced a fraction of this. but not right now because I'd be uncomfortable. I want to dissect my brain. We could argue that "Hey Albo you probably write them through the lens of friends with benefits" DING DING DING WRONG. well not entirely because it feels like how I view relationships in general is friends. with benefits. but not entirely but like??? this shit is so complicated. none of my ocs are officially friends with benefits lmao they and my favourits characters have "proper" relationships. Maybe the reason why I like pairings is my creative attempt to tap into something I have not experienced. and ofc these relationships are not perfect but that's what I love about characters and people and------
Maybe that means I am not a lost cause entirely? But like... I understand the deeper connection between people but I have not felt it if it makes sense. I can't come up with a metaphor you get me
But I cannot see myself in a relationship. And I really want to.
And I am well aware that relationships do not have to fit a structure or be stereotypical, it can be anything
But also..thinking about relationships still makes me want to prioritize my autonomy and it feels like a relationship takes so much of your time, and some type of force keeps people together for decades, even living together. "duh Albo that's what you do in a relationship, usually". I know! And I still dedicate time to my friends but it feels like getting into a relationship would be very restricting.... or maybe I am hoping for the only ideal unrealistic option again..... sigh
Even though I could keep living as I do now, for some reason I am afraid my friends are going to eventually prioritize their significant others. we should not go there right now
I just don't want to stay alone forever.
I know there are demisexuals but that's not my case entirely
and yes even though I think I still have the label bisexual somewhere every single time pride month arrives I put the green stripes on my accounts because well it stays consistent for now
and I am in my early 20's oops
what is wrong with me (rhetorical)
Aromantics who want a relationship are Valid
Aromantics who DON'T want a relationship are a Valid
Aromantics who hope to feel romantic attraction are Valid
Aromantics who feel a LITTLE romantic attraction are Valid
Aromantics who are romance repulsed are Valid.
Aromantics that enjoy sex are Valid
Aromantics who "Sleep around" are Valid
Aromantics who want kids are Valid
Aroaces are Valid
Allosexual Aromantics are Valid
Queer Aromantics are Valid
Hetro Aromantics are Valid
AROMANTICS ARE FUCKING VALID
#oops I wrote so much tumblr couldn't process it I had to cut my writing...#albo tryndyt'#NOT TO BE DRAMATIC ON TUMBLR BUT IDK I HAVE LIKE A THOUSAND THOUGHTS PER SECOND#I HAVE TO STOP THIS SELF REFLECTION#ill go digest my otp fanart
3K notes
·
View notes
Text
You can use a lot of words you know? You don't have to talk yourself around stuff like "It's famous Nazi code for an abbreviation for their popular motto which I won't be repeating here" when you really can just explain that 88 is supposed to represent the Hitler salute because H is the 8th letter in the alphabet? You don't even have to say the words but I mean wouldn't it make more sense to actually explain something instead of vaguely talking around it for some sense of...of what? What's the use in nor calling the thing by it's name? Won't that do more harm than good? I mean if people know they shouldnt do something but don't really know why then they won't take it that serious no?
#sorry very stream of consciousness type of posting (and is there ever any other kind on this blog?)#and if it's about the actual word then you can use those uh#goose feet#the uh#'''''<- those#usually in text you put quotation marks yes thats the word around words with complicated historical connotations#thats how I've been tought at least#I'm not sure if that's how it goes in america but I've been tought that you never use words like the Nazi “the Jew'' without quotations#because they are historically and socially critical and in a text it would look like you're actually kind of a nazi yourself if you just#threw words around like that#yanno?#i think thats better than not using words because they might me triggering#i will respect it if asked of course but I'm not going to censor myself for the sake of seeming more sanitised or whatever#i hate that kind of trend that seems to be in media nowadays#whatwith unalive and grape and all#we have words for that. use them. do you not hear yourself. ''why are we glorifying corn on paper'' do you not feel shame writing like that?#it's all very. idk#almost performative it feels like#you know how I mean?#we're not going to say the evil evil words because people might be triggered (as if they'd be less triggered if you added one letter i don't#quite think thats how reading works) but are we actually going to fill the shoes we want to walk in and take the same attitudes#away from the Instagram comment section on a video of someone talking about zeus the mystical figure being depicted as attractive and#acusing them of glorifying a rapist when yeah no the guy was considered attractive can we stop conflating good looks with moriality can we#all just think?#like normal people?#some things you're just meant to be grossed out by why are we trying to make everything seem soft and harmless#''hes a pdf file'' grow a pair will you and talk in a way people will actually understand it's actually good if you're a little upset#by the idea of someone grooming kids that's a good response to have why are we tryinh to minimise that?#this got a tad beavy you don't have tk read until.here but if you did I'm sorry#I'm barely even awake i don't do well like tjis
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
more in depth explanation ig, i dont feel like i can listen to especially poets without thinking about the whole paternity test analysis thing.
when i first listened i felt really awful and embarrassed and i couldn't quite articulate why
while im still trying to figure it out, a huge part of my feelings was (and still is) that the part of me that wants to theorize about songs and who they're about, and connect it to taylor's life and imagine what she wrote about is at odds with what i hear in the lyrics about creeps who want the best for me and etc
there are some songs im better at just vibing with and some songs that i just actively have to force myself not to be like "oh thats about x person and so they did this and she did this and..."
I'm trying, and if anyone has suggestions or things that work for them please send them to me, im new to this and to online fandoms in general. i feel so shitty but then there's part of me that still doesn't see harm in thinking "x song is about taylor and x person, so using what you know about them both lets picture this in your mind" and "oh [symbol 1] that must mean it's about [person 1], but wait now there's also [symbol 2] so it's about [person 1 and person 2] but wait does that mean person 2 could also be related to symbol 1?" all the while all of these people are real actual people.
#another thing is i caught myself thinking ''god i love you taylor'' and then ''she'll never meet you don't adress her in the second person#she doesn't know you pretend like shes a character from a book so you don't makeup a parasocial relationship''#and i cant get it through my head that she's both a real person deserving of empathy and like an author or a person i really only know#through their work#because im stupid ig#so anyway im trying yo sort all this shit out and being online about taylor swift is really not helping lol#so i blocked every tag i could think of on most of my social medias#i might pop in on here from time to time but not for rebloging things because that feels like a minefield honestly#if anyone has suggestions probably ask box or dms is the best place to put them because i blocked the tags lol#i would really appreciate someone else's input on this and im totally willing to talk more about what my mindset is rn lol#thank you for reading through all this and have a good day#im gonna tag this with (some of) my blocked tags now so other people can see#poets#the tortured poets department#taylor swift#swifie#in shipping recovery#ttpd#tsttpd#taylor nation#taylornation#tortured poetry#tsttpdta#the anthology#the tortured poets department: the anthology
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
Its so crazy how just taking a little time away from social media in your routine can benefit it so hugely. I struggle a lot with having a healthy balance of time on social media vs like actually existing in my life and legit just from like not letting myself scroll on reels or whatever for a bit I feel so much more like, alive? conscious? Like ik thats a given but its still weird, like when your therapist says 'you should go on a walk' and you do and its weird that it actually does help a little. I feel so much more productive and energized and like time is moving slower but in a good way- All things that very much make sense given social media is the opposite of that but idk, its easy to forget
#definitely gonna try to do this more regularly and distance myself from it more cuz this is amazing#Starting to think a lot of post-quarantine funk may or may not have just been social media addiction and my poor time management skills#Frustrating revelations but good for me lol#Let this be a reminder to put your phone down#go get something to drink#and step outside for a little bit if you havent recently :))#Or to get that thing done you have been putting off#dont let it stress you out!!!!#I love yall 🫶#and i am very well aware that this post can sound very dystopian or like 'yeah duh you have a problem lol'#i know i need to work on this and that its apparent 🫶#which is why i am!! and feeling better because of it :))
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
no, More active effort, More conscious consideration
#boo we HATE your [the implicit perspective that anything taking less effort / less thought is Good / an Improvement]#and it's like Getting Good at anything. Some element does become easier to navigate successfully?#great so now you can forever move on to devoting more conscious effort to Another element / really further evolutions of the same process#build on whatever understanding. if you realize something you thought was Correct seems not to be?#congratulations: it was inaccurate / too limited all along but now You know that. Better#thinking about [effort] thinking about [communication] means emitting a psychic blast doing all the Languaging of honing ideas#and b/c interactions are two way streets you get no guarantee anyone will listen / put effort into considering what they're picking up#it's a delight when someone Does happen to feel you're worth effort but everyone could be doing that on principle. they are not lol.#some actually not [jfc] comment on an akd interview like#they speak w/such precision they're used to not being listened to or understood like#well we'd have to ask them ofc but i won't even argue w/that concept lol#having One Chance To Get A Word In Ever like but you don't really when ppl misunderstand you which is an inevitability#and then made more likely by any number of factors. including not considering you worth the effort of Trying to understand#if they misinterpreted what you're conveying no they didn't; that's just What You Meant. double empathy style#gotta be out here figuring out The Approach when the outlier is ppl who do Not [only think you're worth effort as An Obstacle]#alleging how when you like urself you will now Earn Friends like the more i respect myself the more idc if i'm Interpersonally Beliked#the interpersonal relationship that Is guaranteed relevant of ''we're both people in the world & so already in relation in just that way''#i love to Socialize by being in public ''alone'' like clearly no i'm not & like getting to take up my bit of space / do my bit of a thing#while this fits into everyone else also having their presence; doing their thing; is >>>>> being with a group as its nth wheel for no reaso#the effort of what communication works w/what person in what situation#the effort of what navigation of the inherent mutual effect of your sharing [whatever System (like; physics style)] works out best / better#when ppl imagining this are still limiting it to Certain Interactions b/w everyone anytime as the ''ideal''....#sesame street was out here like. sometimes there's people wanting to be alone / who are ''unfriendly'' & they're still part of things#once again it's like kermit thee frog knows what's up. mister macabee old timey barkeep what should i do#furiosa as well lmao i should watch fury road again. i can sense it#you can't have much of a chitchat with her. and yet
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
ya know, honestly kind of impressed I gave the family I'm using they them pronouns a bit over 2 years ago and I'm still receiving the it'll take time line's and such.
#like its not even they/them anymore#its she/they but telling them would so clearly be a immense amount of effort on my part#and then even if I decided to put in the effort the constant reminding and softness would be taken as them putting in an effort on their en#so later when we have the are you heping around the house are you doing enough work for college#and im like I work 50-60 hours week i am both out of energy and could not find another job if i wanted to with this schedule#the fact that their “trying” would become weight in the symbolic power of the discussion#its also very annoying because their talking about being supportive and all these things#and they are i suppose supportive in a milquetoast vauge general sense#but in any specific capacity just actuall paying attention to me seems to be to much#this is all very annoying as I suppose I should be gatefull for non maligence and a place to stay if catpilism decides to fuck me over#more then it normally does any given year#but like fuck I already struggle immensely with most attention given to me being negative as I am imensely disliked#in almost every irl enviroment save for the workplace#that when the entire family sphere becomes at best a lack of any attention or care#it just leaves connections I make myself#my lovely partner a smattering of friends#that so small that when things are going poorly there's no diffusion in the social system it is incredibly easy to overload the whole thing#sighhhhhh#I do not like holidays
1 note
·
View note
Text
ahh.. I have tickets for a small music festival tmr which I went to last year + had a whale of a time but this year theres only like 2 artists I wanted to see but they released the schedule a couple days ago and neither are playing before 9:30pm. since I don't live local anymore I'd have to leave to travel back home around that time or I'd miss the last train... and there's not rly anywhere I can crash overnight there (and I was planning on going alone anyway like I did last year). so I think im gonna have to let this one pass me by :-(
#its not the end of the world like theyre not artists i LOVE love just ones i know and like a few tracks of#last year i had so much fun bc one of the artists there was an all time fave of mine. but yeah im not missing out on that this year#but its still a shame. i miss living there and being able to walk to gigs to easily like the music scene was so up my street!!#and i was kind of looking forward to it. but i shouldve planned it further in advance if i was serious abt going#i just didnt think theyd BOTH play so late???? i swear they had an earlier schedule last year#i guess i could just go and mill around some of the shows earlier in the day even tho ive skimmed most of them on spotify and theyre-#not rly my thing. sigh#im v tired + starting to feel quite sad this evening for some specific reasons i dont really want to think much about bc it is what it is#so its hard to imagine going out and having fun tomorrow. maybe ill just aim to get my chores done instead and see how i feel after that#i might fix my bike up and check the other local climbing gym out bc i havent visited that one before and itd be nice to mix it up#and i need to go out on the bike at some point this weekend so i dont build up anxiety abt it after yesterdays crash. hmm#man. its hard trying to do things solely for my own enjoyment sometimes. im usually pretty ok at making myself do it#and im grateful that i am! but i think im just feeling quite lonely. and not in a way where being around other people rly helps#like its more of a core thing. i feel kind of unseen by people in my life at the moment and that makes me feel like im not quite real#and i dont really know what to do about that. i think its why im still on my discord hiatus i just dont really have anything to say rn#ive felt this intermittently throughout a lot my life i think. but most of the time i can distract myself from it enough not to notice it#and i put the effort in socially regardless + usually when im in the moment it doesnt matter. but the stretches inbetween those moments..#its not unbearable and i dont feel that depressed at the moment either. just a bit lost i guess. i know itll pass eventually#but yeah it just keeps nudging up against me bc im feeling every little misunderstanding and slight quite keenly atm#ahh.. well its okay. ive never really needed much anyway im good at taking care of myself and thats enough to get by#ill do something nice for myself this weekend one way or another. im gonna go take a long shower rn i think and then read a bit#ah and i said i didn't rly want to think about it! but i guess i did... well i feel like i exist a little more for typing it out anyway#okay yes shower time now :-)#.diaries#maybe someday ill have ppl in my everyday life who i do feel seen + safe around. a girl can dream.. i have a lot of work to do before then
0 notes
Text
Haha I should not have read my mums texts
#I knew my sister was bitching about me to my mum but I didn’t think it was that bad#like in terms of this situation my mum was completely completely on my side so it’s nothing to do with her#but I just can’t believe she said these things about me#essentially I worked for her for 4 days straight for free - it was a 14 hour shift on a bar#each day - so 56 hours in total#it was extremely hard on me mentally and physically but I did it because I wanted to help her all I could#I had a job interview essentially 2 days later where I needed to produce a social media reel#I had to make it while working on the bar because I wouldn’t have time to do it otherwise#I asked her to watch the reel a total of 2 times#and because she had canva premium she said she’d download it for me the next day (otherwise the video wouldn’t have backing music) - then#it wouldn’t download from her account - so I sent her the video and asked her to put the music over it - which would take 5 mins of her time#(it literally only took me 5 mins and she’s much more experienced at canva than I am)#she flat out refused - my mum then called her to try and explain the situation and she got really angry at her - eventually she sent me her#log in details - then I added the music myself#it was really disheartening for me because I gave up 56 hours of my time for her and she couldn’t even give up 5 mins#since then I’ve read these texts and she said she feels like she’s in an abusive relationship with me because all she does is give and all#I do is take#and the thing she cited was me asking her to check over the video (I asked her 3 times max - the video is 50 seconds - and also saying no#when she asked me to prep some cocktails for the next day at the bar - it was 12am - I’d been working since 10am and I was so exhausted that#I was shaking when I came home - I sat and cried in the toilets because I was so exhausted)#I literally give up so much of myself for her - even when she’s mean to me for no reason - I would never say she was abusive to me#and yet I’m abusive for asking for her help on a task that would take her no more than 5 minutes#I don’t know if I can ever speak to he in the same way again#I mean for god sakes I spent an entire week beforehand helping her prep for the festival because she was so stressed#I asked her to help me once and she saw me as abusive#I don’t even know if I can ever help her again because what’s the point of giving and giving if my giving is never good enough for her#I don’t know the things she said really mirrored the things my ex friends once said about me and it hurts coming from her because I thought#she wouldn’t ever view me that way#and I can’t even talk to anyone about this because ya know I should not have read my mums texts
0 notes
Text
when you feel like you're fine in isolation but as soon as you interact with nice people who seem to like you you're like oh maybe I'm not perfectly well adjusted actually
#not in a 'i had such a sad childhood how shall i ever relate' way#more in a 'maybe it's a bad thing that people being nice to me instead of just polite leaves me at a loss for words' way#every time it happens with someone i didn't expect it from or in a format i didn't anticipate i bluescreen#i don't THINK i'm a mean or unpleasant person in fact i like most people and i try to be kind and attentive to others#if anything i'm just very shy and unsurprisingly awkward which is its own brand of deterrent#but i straight up just can't conceptualize people liking me or wanting to talk to me outside the required socialization of whatever activity#my gf will say things like 'i get excited when you text me' and i will go haha! why though#or my partner whom i adore and trust implicitly will say something that makes me realize they understand me better than i do myself#and have for maybe years been compensating for things i do unconsciously or have not shown myself capable of#it's humbling and kinda devastating to find out that others have been crossing distances for me that i couldn't even see i put in their way#walls that i am only just beginning to be able to see myself building#mortifying ordeal etc.#i know i have a serious self esteem problem#it's easy to describe myself as plain and awkward and boring and pedantic or even bland#it's hard to feel like i have any merits at all when i feel lacking in all the qualities that other people care about#and so it's easy to keep myself at a remove so i can easily remove myself when i feel i am work to be around#it is impossibly hard to trust people to care about me even when i care about them#you know? I'm scared of skating because i'm scared of going faster than i can handle and i can't trust my body#my wrists hold enough tension to choke the music when i play guitar because i need every note to be tightly controlled#i tense up in my partner's arms when I'm dancing because i don't know how to trust anyone but myself with my weight#god!! i'm just incredibly fucked up and i didn't even have to have real trauma to end up that way#just parents who rarely treated feelings as a legitimate reason to do anything#it's always chin up and stick it out and you can handle anything#and if you just get thru it it will be over and you can feel next time#or when you get the certification and you did what we want to be proud of you for and then it won't matter you'll be proud of yourself too!#it's kind of turned out though that with all this emphasis on achievement and very little practice with feelings (my own or others')#i'm mainly left with a lot of lonely things i take pride in being good at and not many friends#how do you learn how to be friends with someone or if they like you when there isn't a goal to achieve?#how do you overcome the shame of needing a valid reason to be around someone to just like. schedule a hangout because you like them#stupid fucking catholic repression did not interact well with my probable autism
0 notes
Text
Being at BYU after my mission was weird. Like. Bad weird. Everybody was still acting like missionaries but they had nobody to teach so it all turned into the holier-than-thou bs that missions always degenerate into over time. Just the forced establishment of some weird social hierarchy where value is based on how devout you are, with people digging and scratching and clawing their way around humanity in order to become even more devout.
And this bullshit was actively killing me. The attempts to stay Good Enough were scraping the remnants of my humanity out of my husk like a spoon scraping the last bits of watermelon from a rind - I was doing what I had always done, be Mormon, do what Mormons do, be as good a Mormon as I could be, only it was breaking me. Instead of healing me, making me whole, taking away my burdens, it was pulling the life out of me in exchange for nothing. I was just being squeezed dry of everything I had to offer and being given back shame and isolation and rejection because I didn’t do it first, or fast enough, or with a willing enough heart, or whatever the hell they could come up with.
But despite myself, because most people smarter than me AND dumber than me would have left already, I found myself trying over and over and over again to make it work with no success.
One day, I snap. I’ve had enough. I need answers. I’ve looked everywhere and done everything I could by myself, and nothing had come of it, so I went to talk to a faculty member. A teacher at the school. He taught religion classes and his lessons were powerfully and inspiringly honest, earnest, and filled with raw humanity. I figured if I could get a straight (ha) answer from anyone, it would be that guy. He wasn’t involved in the Mormon rat race. He wasn’t playing the stupid “I’m Worthier Than You” games that were so pernicious on campus. He was being real and open and vulnerable and I needed that from someone.
So I go into his office and I lay my cards on the table. I figure if I’m gonna get helped, I need to be honest. I share with him my weird feelings about dad leaving the church on my mission. About my siblings leaving the church. About my own doubts and hurts. I tell him about how hard it is to be in limbo like this without knowing what to do or where to turn. I tell him I need answers.
And he listens. And then he starts with the usual Mormon apologetics bullshit. And I say “no” because I’m done with that. That doesn’t fly with me anymore. And he sees and hears me say no and he puts a hand on mine, makes direct eye contact, and says,
“You know, you don’t have to go to church, right?”
I, being a person who was hurting, interpreted that as “if you have questions that I can’t answer you should fuck off.” I got defensive immediately and he again listened, put his hand on mine, and said,
“Not what I meant. You can stay if you want, but I want you to know you can leave too. Take a break. Give yourself time to heal. This isn’t supposed to hurt this much, and if it hurts you can take a break and come back when it feels good.”
I’m actually getting choked up just writing that out. Nobody had ever said that to me before. When I talked about my dysphoria to my parents, they said teenagers are supposed to feel like that a little bit. When I talked to people about my difficulties at church they had always told me that it was a sign that church was working. That I was doing it right. That growth was supposed to hurt, that excising the Natural Man from me was supposed to be difficult, that I was supposed to be feeling this anxious and sad and scared. I had never ever ever been told that pain and suffering were signs things were going wrong. I had actually explicitly been told by many many many many many many many many people that it was good, that the hurt and the heartache and the constant feeling of never being good enough and never being able to fit into my own skin or love myself in any meaningful way was desirable. That it was something they envied.
It’s not supposed to hurt. Some things can, and should. My parents were right that some body concerns were normal (although we later found out my specific concerns were more abnormal lmao, I got that tgirl swag). My family and friends were right that challenging myself with difficult assignments and ambitious goals was supposed to feel uncomfortable.
And at the same time, THIS was not supposed to hurt. I was not meant to have this gaping throbbing aching hole in my Me that never let up. It wasn’t supposed to hurt. IT WASN’T SUPPOSED TO HURT.
I don’t know when exactly I started crying, but I was crying the whole rest of the day. It was the first time in a while I had to actually take a Valium to clam down. It wasn’t supposed to hurt.
He also told me that if it ever stopped hurting I could always come back.
I think that was the day I really left. Others might say otherwise, I still tried to make it work for a few more months after that, but the idea that it wasn’t supposed to hurt really changed me.
If any of you are reading this - there are things that are supposed to be difficult. Things that are supposed to hurt. But if your faith or your beliefs about the world or yourself leave you feeling like you’ve been hollowed out at a minor mistake or setback, if your failures and setbacks leave you feeling raw and numb frequently, if the company you keep or the places you stay leave you feeling constantly inadequate with out hope or help, then I’ll tell you the same thing that professor told me:
You can go somewhere else. You can do something else. And you can always come back when you want.
But it’s not supposed to hurt.
#tgirl swag#mormon#ex mormon#exmormon#trans stuff#trans pride#gay#hurt#religious trauma#conditions of worth#good enough
2K notes
·
View notes
Text
The wallflower.
Johnny clocks it immediately, your shoulders practically pinned against the pale-yellow wall, pint glass slick with condensation cradled between your fingers. Your eyes dart around and then away, finding something to study in the carpet, or the stairs, on the coffee table.
You’re not comfortable here, that much is clear.
He elbows Simon. “Poor girl looks nervous.” Simon gives you a furtive glance over the rim of his glasses, and nods.
“Probably only knows one person. Or got dragged here.” It’s Kyle’s wife’s birthday party. She has a lot of friends it seems, well liked in all facets of her life, work and otherwise. He clucks his tongue. “Sweet thing.” Someone bumps into you, and then pivots, reaching out to grab your arm in apology. You don’t tell him off or pull away. You just glance at his hand, meek smile stretching your lips sour. It turns Johnny’s stomach.
“She needs rescuing.”
“Johnny.” There’s a warning in Simon’s tone, a reproachful sentiment that he knows well. No strays. No projects. No more shelter pets.
“Ach c’mon. Look at her.” That one muscle in Simon’s cheek feathers, the one that says everything without Simon saying anything at all. Broken resolve.
He sighs. Johnny grins.
“Ye alright?” The man who’s taken up a residence at your shoulder is now speaking to you. Worse, he’s asking you if you’re alright.
“I… I’m good. Yeah. Fine.” You grip your glass tighter, ignoring the flip of your stomach. You snuck at glance at him when he first came over, and that was enough. He’s very handsome.
And you’re, well-
You’re… you.
“Someone ditch ye?” Oh god.
“Uh, no. My friend is over there.” You point to Anna’s back. She’s in the kitchen, laughing so loud you can hear her from across the living room.
“Ah. She did ditch ye.”
“No!” You glare at him, “No.”
“But she didnae offer to introduce you to anyone?” You wince, and his eyes flicker with sympathy. “Ah, she did.”
“I’m not good with… people.” The understatement of the year. You don’t do people. People are too unpredictable, too much of an unknown. A pattern of behavior will only take you so far, and it’s hard to forecast their actions, reactions, words, emotions… everything.
You prefer safer bets. Predictable things. Equations, mostly.
“Ye’re not good w’people, but ye’re at a party.”
“Yes, it’s quite a feat.” You snap your mouth shut, expecting him to give you a weird look, but he laughs.
“If ye’re uncomfortable, why stay?”
“Because, social interactions are good for me. And I promised myself a slice of cheese pizza if I made it an hour.” He should laugh. Most would. Most would think it’s fucking hilarious, how you’re bribing yourself, dangling a carrot in front of your face.
But this guy doesn’t. He doesn’t laugh. He cocks his head, and frowns. “So… ye’re torturing yourself so ye can earn a slice of pizza.” A nervous giggle bubbles up and out your throat.
“It sounds bad when you put it that way but-“
“It is bad.” A deep voice sounds from over your shoulder, and you jump.
“This is Simon.” Your new… friend, Johnny, motions to the hulking man at your side, and you manage a nod, spitting out your name. “He’s no’ scary, just looks it.” Johnny reaches for his hand, and the equation clicks to together with ease.
Oh.
“You here with a friend?”
“Uh. Yep.” You point to Anna, again, and they exchange a look.
“She ditch ya?” Same question, different accent, and you’re about to give the same answer, when Johnny intercedes.
“She’s here so she can have a slice of pizza.” Yeah. It sounds bad.
“Wot?”
“I… It’s good for me to be around people so I said if I could do it for an hour, I could have pizza.” They’re both wearing expressions you can’t translate, two faces you don’t understand, and it twists you up.
“Do you usually ransom yourself pizza?”
“N-no.”
“Is it… an eating thing?”
“Oh, no. It’s like… I’d rather be at home, but everyone says socializing is… important. So, for doing something I hate, I get pizza.” Simon sighs.
“Trying to fit a square into a circle.” The comment is puzzling, but as you’re trying to put it together, Johnny links his pinky with yours and tugs you closer. The room is quiet, the music, the laughing, the chatter, all of it goes silent. There are dozens and dozens of people in here, but right now, it’s just you and these two. Staring at one another. There’s a web thin string spinning from him, to you, to Simon, and it’s wrapping you up, cocooning you, holding you tight.
“This okay?”
“Y-yeah.”
“Ye wannae go get that slice with us?” Do it. Just do it. Do something. You take a deep breath.
“Sure.”
They look comical, shoved into the pleather red booth across the table from you, Simon far too wide to comfortably accommodate Johnny, but they don’t seem to mind. “So, cheese then?” You nod, picking at the faded corner of a menu. This was a bad idea, this was stupid. What were you thinking? Why-
“Three slices of cheese please.” You hadn’t even noticed the server, and you panic when she starts to turn away.
“And a coke!” You blurt, immediately embarrassed. She stares at you for a second before nodding, forcing a smile, and walking off. Fuck. You press your palm down on the table, trying to focus on the texture, the feel of it.
“Hey,” Simon says softly, “you didn’t do anything wrong.” You bristle.
“I know that.” Of course you know… don’t you?
Clearly not.
They don’t try to force you into conversation, but they do talk to you. They don’t ask you pointed questions or try to dig into you, instead choosing to tell you about themselves, their dog, their jobs. They keep you involved without dragging you in unwillingly.
It’s nice.
You’re halfway through your slice when you realize they’re watching you.
“What? Is there something on my face?” You frantically wipe at your chin, your cheeks. Simon’s mouth quirks.
“Nothing on your face, sweet girl.” Your brain scrambles. Words fail. You don’t think anyone has ever called you something like that before.
“Oh. Okay. Well. Good.” Stupid.
“Go on and finish up.” He instructs, pointing at the grease laden slice, and you bring it to your mouth obediently. “Want to come for a walk with us after this? Our favorite park is around the corner, and the moon is really bright tonight.” A walk. With them. A walk? What does that mean? Just like, a walk?
Do it. Just do it. Do something. Be brave.
You roll your shoulders, and take a bite of your pizza, chewing slowly and swallowing.
And then you nod.
“Yes.”
#ghoap x reader#go peach give us nothing#trying to shake off some dust I guess#reader is neurodivergent#peaches writes
1K notes
·
View notes
Note
Jake (your roommate) who has oral fixation who can't help but want to suck on your nipples and clit anytime and anywhere he wants (in school, in his car, in cafes, in your dorm). And as the helpful roommate, you try to wear clothes that would give him easy access all the time.
-🪻 hiiii i misseddd putting req here 🥹🫶
hi again🪻anon🥰 i’ve missed your reqs🥹🫶🏻 oral fixation jake has me weeeaaaaakkkk😮💨 I kinda went off the deep end with this one. I couldn’t help myself. this request is so *chefs kiss* and bless kay for helping me with the title for this 🤭😘💍
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
taste of you: sim jaeyun
pairing: jake x afab!reader word count: 2.9k
For as long as you’ve known your roommate, he’s always had an oral fixation even before he became your roommate too.
You and Jake attended the same college. You would always pass him in the hallways on Mondays and Wednesdays and have Chemistry with him on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Man always had something in his mouth to chew on.
Gum, the ends of his pens and pencils, the bottle cap to his water bottle, straws from his drinks, the plastic spoons, knives, and forks from lunch, the strings to his hoodie, the plastic on his cup if he didn’t have a straw, and hell, even his fingers if there wasn’t anything else. You could tell just from staring at him across the lecture hall that he had this fixation.
Fate brought the two of you together when you posted an ad on the campus bulletin board about looking for a roommate after your old one moved out. Jake was the first to respond to the ad, and since you already knew him, you disregarded the other applications. Jake was moved in within a week.
His oral fixation was a lot worse than you thought and was tame while on campus. Jake had the same normal habits on the things he chewed but added a few things: his shirt while sitting on the couch watching TV or playing on the PlayStation. The cord to his headset when he played on his PC in his bedroom. The cord to his phone while it charged and he was scrolling through social media. Your fingers, lips, tongue, nipples, and clit.
Crazy, right? It didn’t start that way, his mouth on your body parts. It wasn’t a thought in either of your minds until you came home one afternoon after work and took a shower, not bothering to put a bra on afterward, letting the girls have some time to breathe. So you walked around in your shorts and oversized tee shirt. Jake returned home a couple of hours later from soccer practice, wanting nothing more than a nice shower and a good meal. So you told him to shower and that you’d cook for him. Jake couldn’t hide the smile had, being so happy and lucky you were his roommate.
Jake didn’t even notice you weren’t wearing a bra until you stood from where you sat on the couch, your nipples poking through your white shirt. The hoodie string Jake had in his mouth fell out as his eyes were glued to your chest, watching how grazed your shirt as you walked around the couch and towards the kitchen. Jake quickly jumped up and rushed to the bathroom, slamming the door shut and locking it. Splashing his face with the water of his shower, trying to push the thoughts of your perfect nipples being in his mouth. The way he would bite, lick, and suck on them.
Jake had to lean his body against the cool of the tile wall to get his body temperature down but failed miserably as his thoughts continued to run in his brain. Thinking about the ways your cunt would ride his cock as his mouth worked on your tits. Before Jake knew it his hand was wrapped around his hard cock, biting his lips to keep from moaning as he pumped himself til his cum was dripping down his hand. Jake prayed and prayed that once he was out of the shower you could have put on a bra. Because it’s an asshole move to think about your roommate like that, right? It crosses your boundaries and that’s the last thing Jake wanted to do.
But to his dismay, you still stood in the kitchen…braless. Once you noticed he was out of the shower, you called him over, “Jae, I made pasta for dinner and this cake for dessert. Come try the icing and tell me what you think?”
Jake swallowed, knees weak as he slowly walked over to you. Your long hair was now pulled into a loose ponytail and oh man was it driving Jake up a wall. His eyes wandered everywhere, to your nipples, your earlobes, and the cute spot between your shoulder and neck. His mouth watered as he looked back and forth, wanting to pin you to the kitchen counter and place his mouth all over those parts. His dick was hardening and he was doing everything to try and keep you from noticing.
You got a spoon from the drawer and scooped up some of the icing and held it to his mouth, “Say ahh!” you said cutely, taking notice of the small pink tint on his cheeks as he slowly opened his mouth taking the spoon in.
Jake’s eyes widened as you pulled the spoon away, “Goddamn, YN, this is fantastic!” Jake loved your cooking and baking. It made him even more excited to eat the pasta and have a dessert to look forward to.
You noticed some of the icing was on the edge of his lips, you giggled softly and reached up, “You’re so messy,” you teased him, taking your index finger and sliding it across the edge of his lip.
The moment you touched him it was over. The feeling of your finger on his lips even if it was just the slightest touch sent him into a frenzy, his mouth was opening, head tilting to the side to wrap his lips around your finger, his tongue licking up the icing you wiped away and then sucking on it. His eyes closed tightly as he softly grazed your finger with his teeth. Jake didn’t know what came over him, but the moment he realized what he was doing his eyes shot back open and connected to yours.
You weren’t surprised and showed no sign that it bothered you that he was currently sucking on your finger. Instead, you gave him a small smile, inching your middle finger to his lips. Jake was the surprised one but opened his mouth anyway, letting you slip your middle in with your index.
You always teased Jake about his oral fixation, always giving him some type of hell for chewing up specific things. Like the amount of phone chargers you’ve had to rebuy him, and the amount of headsets Jake had to get replaced from chewing on the cords. The amount of gum packets that lay around the apartment just for him. You found it cute to tease him. And you never knew you wanted your fingers in his mouth until right now. Which is why it didn’t bother you. Honestly, your fingers were better than the cords and other plastic things that would eventually ruin his pretty teeth anyway.
You’d be lying if it didn’t turn you on. Jake was hoping for it, truly. Keeping eye contact with you as he wraps his tongue around your fingers, sucking on them and biting them softly. If you continued to let him chew on your fingers, he was going to lose all control.
“I know you want to do more than just suck on my fingers,” you whispered to him. You already knew he was hard as a rock and your panties were soaking, “Why don’t you take what you actually want?”
Jake didn’t hesitate to pull your fingers from his mouth, his lips attaching to yours and sucking on your bottom lip as his hands slid to your thighs, picked you up, and set you down on the countertop, biting hard on your lip, “Give me your tongue,” he hisses between his grip on your lip and only let go once he saw the muscle slide out of your mouth and taking it in his. Jake was in pure bliss getting his oral fixation off on something other than random small items. His cock twitched hard at it too. It was everything he could have wanted.
As he continued to suck and bite your tongue, his hands slipped under your shirt and slid up, his hands stopping at your tits to rub at your nipples, making them perk up more. You knew Jake was preparing them for his mouth, his skin sending a chill down your spine and goosebumps on your skin, hardening your nipples even more, “fffuuuccckkkk,” he hisses after releasing your tongue from his mouth, dipping down in the same movement of lifting your shirt over your breasts and attaching his mouth to your right nipple as his left hand continued to pinch at your other nipple.
You moaned his name and gripped his shoulders as his tongue flicked your nipple, as his teeth bit down on the sensitive nub and lips wrapped around it to suck. He moved back and forth between the two, not leaving one out. You already knew your cunt was soaking the countertop and you think Jake knew too. Mostly by the way his hands moved to cup your ass and slide underneath you. He let out a groan against your nipple before removing his mouth and scooped you up, quickly turning in the other direction and laying you down on top of the kitchen table. He kissed you again, sucking your bottom lip back into his mouth in the same motion of his fingers looping between your shorts and panties to pull them down.
Jake sank to his knees as your shorts and panties hit the floor, him spreading your legs wide to give him better access to your cunt. His mouth watered at the sight of your sopping pussy, your slit dripping out your hole and onto the table. Fuck it was making him dizzy.
“Fuck you’re so sexy,” he breathes, sticking his tongue out to lick up your hole to your clit, stopping there to take the bud between his teeth and lips. Jake sucked, licked, and bit your clit until you came into his mouth. He didn’t even stop there, no no. He wanted you. Wanted his shower fantasy to come true. So he pulls you from the table and onto the floor with him, quickly removing his sweatpants and boxers and moving you into his lap.
You rode him as his mouth worked on your nipples again, moving between them both and stopping every few minutes to kiss you and suck on your lips. You even shoved your fingers into his mouth a few times as you fucked him. This kept going until you came again and he was cumming deep into your pussy.
It was safe to say you both would have a major mess to clean up in the kitchen. And even have to reheat the pasta.
This was only the start of Jake using you to get his oral fixation in. You gave him full permission to use you as he pleases to get his fix. Jake would be stupid to turn it down.
It benefited both of you, truly. You both had the benefits of this new agreement. He would get his oral fixation and other sexual needs met, you’d also get your sexual needs met on top of saving money from having to replace the items he’d normally chew on.
The only terms were he could only have your fingers and lips in public, but could have everything else in the safe space of your shared apartment, or either of your cars, or if no one else was around.
Again, Jake would be an idiot to turn it down.
He forced you to move to the back of the classroom room with him so he could suck on your fingers during lectures without anyone noticing and anytime he wanted.
You’d sit in his car with him during lunch or before his soccer practice so he could make out with you and get his mouth on your tits.
Then at the apartment? He’d spread your legs.
One of Jake’s requirements was you having to wear specific clothing for him to have easy access to while at the apartment. Loose tee shirts with no bra. Any type of shorts or sweatpants or skirts with no panties underneath.
It truly was a dream come true for Jake. The best roommate he could ask for. This whole dynamic worked for the two of you. Both parties were getting pleasure and their needs met while maintaining a good friendship with each other. It was perfect. So completely perfect.
Your favorite thing was when Jake would return home from his other classes or work and immediately sink down to his knees in front of you saying, “I need your cunt in my mouth right now,” or lifting your shirt off your body instantly and saying, “I need your tits against my tongue.” Or your personal favorite thing he’d say is, “I need you on my cock as I suck on those pretty tits of yours.”
Again, so so so perfect. Yet…
…when it came to matters of your heart, you started to love him. You had your suspicions on whether you were actually gaining feelings or if it was just the sex and the way he’d work his mouth on your body that was making you confused. But your feelings became apparent and so clear to you when one day you lay on the couch, scrolling through TikTok to watch the latest trends when Jake stumbled into the living room. He had a hard time at practice that Saturday morning, beating himself up over not making the winning score during the practice match against another team. Jake slid himself under your arms and just laid his head against your chest and got himself comfy on top of you, making no moves to undress you to get his fix. “I just needed to be close to you right now,” was all he said as he snuggled his face into your breasts and slid his arms underneath you, squeezing you tightly to him. He wasn’t horny or anything, just genuinely wanted to be with you. It took everything to keep your heart from fluttering. From it completely busting out of your chest as he slowly fell asleep on top of you. You were done for. You loved him.
And oh god did Jake fall so hard in love with you too. How could he not? You accepted his oral fixation and even let him get his fix by using your body. Yeah at first it was strictly to get his fix in, the sex just being a bonus, but the more time that passed, the more he fell. He would get so drunk of your scent as he worked his mouth and cock on and in your body. You became his every waking thought and not just in ways to get his oral fixation needs met. He wanted to spend time with you. Take you on dates. Show you off to his friends. Yeah, having a roommate who gave into his oral fixation was such a hard flex. But to call you his girlfriend who also gives into his oral fixation, was an even bigger hard flex. Jake knew he loved you when all he wanted was to be in your arms after his terrible practice that morning.
It took a week later for him to confess.
His cock was buried so deep in your cunt, his mouth biting and sucking on your ear lobe as you screamed out his name loud enough for the neighbors to hear. It was as good of a time as any, Jake thought, what better way to confess his love for you while being balls deep inside you?
“Be mine,” he moans into your ear, detaching his mouth from your lobe and lifting you up from the couch in a swift motion, rolling the two of you into a sitting position with you in his lap. Jake bites at your skin between your neck and shoulders, his hands shoving you down onto him to press his cock even further into your cunt, “be mine, please,” he says between each suck, kiss, and bite at your skin.
You couldn’t believe you heard the words escape his mouth, not knowing if you heard him clearly or not, “What?”
Jake released your skin with a pop, his hands moving to your tits, squeezing them together and giving them a lift up, licking your nipples then biting them softly, “I am in love with you, I can’t stand not actually getting to call you mine,” he sucks one nipple into his mouth, bucking his hips up into you, being so lost in the taste of you, “Be mine. Be my girlfriend.”
Your fingers tangled into his hair as you bounced on his cock, throwing your head back, “Yes,” you moan, “Yes, Jae, yes. I love you too. I’m in love with you too.”
Jake quickly switches the positions again, pressing your body against the coffee table by the couch, fucking into you with everything he had. He kissed you with so much love and want and need. Being so happy he could finally call you his. You finally being more than just his roommate/fuck buddy that gave into his oral fixation.
He bites down on your bottom lip and pulls it as he comes undone, his hips snapping to a stop to press his cock against your cervix hard, his cum filling you whole.
Jake releases your lip and smiles down at you, his eyes wandering to every part of your body he had his mouth on, loving the way his teeth marks look on you. On his girlfriend. Thank god you ended up being such a good roommate.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
— perm taglist: @alvojake @ikeuverse @woniebae @shawnyle @kangnina @jwnghyuns @in-somnias-world @zyvlxqht @aaa-sia @wonniethepoo @addictedtohobi @eneiyri @sparklovespink @skzenhalove @fakeuwus @cherry-park @vousty @ladyartemesia @psh9 @cmoundiamante @enhaverse713586 @wondipity
#yeonzzzn asks#— 🪻anon#jake bby#sim jake#sim jaeyun#sim jake smut#jake x reader#reader x jake#enhypen#enhypen x reader#reader x enhypen#enhypen hard thoughts#enhypen hard hours#enhypen smut#enhypen fanfic#enhypen fanfiction#enhypen imagines#enhypen scenarios#yeonzzzn writing
3K notes
·
View notes
Text
Do NOT Support Hard Drive On Patreon
You might see friends today suggesting you support Hard Drive on Patreon today. You know, the funny video games version of The Onion? As a journalist, I will firmly tell you DO NOT GIVE THEM A DIME.
The CEO has pushed out all former staff that have built the site up to its current greatness and has been pushing the use of AI. The staff begged to have a Patreon before basically all being pushed out, but the idea was refused until now, when it will only line the pockets of a single person instead of hard working writers.
I know they might have provided laughs before, but Hard Drive is a shell of what it was once. Let it die and support the people who actually made those moments of joy possible. Don't believe me? Check out what former employees are saying below:
Kevin Podas: Okay you know what, I would feel bad saying nothing about this, so here goes:🚨SAVE YOUR MONEY🚨
We passionately advocated for a Patreon at Hard Drive & were aggressively shot down. The talent & people who built the site were pushed out. To see this now is beyond upsetting. For the past few years or so I put a lot of myself into this website. I pitched a ton of jokes, got over 120 articles published, & met a lot of great people. I'm sure if you've been following me for some time you could easily see this.
However, there is a lot of misinformation. I was eventually promoted to Managing Editor of the site & was ecstatic. Grateful for the opportunity. Felt like all of my hard work in the comedy mines was finally paying off. But things took a turn for the worst, & each day there were new surprises that affected our livelihoods. These were all very avoidable surprises, mind you.
A patreon was going to be our hail mary, but alas, for some reason, the power that be did not want it. Causing us to leave a dream job behind. "At least we did all we could," we consoled ourselves afterwards. I put a lot of myself into this project. I pitched all sorts of ideas that could have helped-- we all did. Merch collaborations, Patreon-integrated YouTube content, so much more. And most of them were shot down out of sheer stubbornness and nothing more. To see lie after lie spread, and multiple big publications and YouTubers that I am a fan of promote this Patreon under these pretenses is incredibly upsetting. There are so many receipts.
Please share this and consider pulling out if you've already put money into this. On Hard Drive using AI, also from Kevin Podas: I can't personally confirm that part aside from some of the recent header images for articles on both Hard Drive and Hard Times are being made with AI. As far as writing, it's been mentioned in the past, but I personally do not know. Maybe others do, maybe not. MORE From Kevin Podas suggesting the owner denying a Patreon being set up earlier cost an artist a job that was replaced by AI: We had a social media person who was awesome! He made the images until this AI implementation. He had to leave because ad revenue was low and a Patreon was aggressively refused.
Luca Fisher: at the risk of burning some bridges, i have to back up kevin here. i've only been part-time, in-and-out of hard drive since i got in last year, but i can corroborate that management doubled and tripled down about not hosting a patreon/crowdfunding and that many other suggestions and ideas, including mine (and ones much smarter than mine!), were shot down in really long, apocalyptic threads of everyone left on deck desperately trying to come up with ways to keep the lights on. managerially it has been messy and sad
i've written for multiple publications that have long since died, ones that were in the process of dying, and ones that, in this case, are soon to be put in the ground. it is sad and sucks every time. i don't know what could have been done differently, but i do know that a lot of great writers and content creators were left shorthanded and unhappy by the way things have gone. and it is sort of puzzling to see the sudden championing of patreon after we were all told plenty of times that it couldn't work and we should move on also, just to add my own personal two cents here, i was really disappointed by the shuttering of many different article sections on the site over the past 6-8 months. i understand cutting corners in a deficit, and i know it had to be done. that said…
all in all, i'm really sad to see this all happen. i don't fault anyone, if only because i don't really know enough about how this all can happen to make sense of it. games journalism is in a sad, sorry state, and will likely no longer be a thing in the next decade
VideoSealMan: I'm gonna say this because I think I deserve to. For months, MONTHS on end I was bugging Hard Drive management about a Patreon. Often I got ignored for a week+, but when I actually got a response I was encouraged to - of all things, write up a Google Doc pitching the concept I did it regardless. I wasn't the only one trying to sway management on a Patreon, but so fiercely was I fighting for it that last night, I was accused of making this comment directly by the CEO! With no evidence whatsoever! After I'd been gone for over a month.
I vouched so hard for Patreon because I wanted all the writers and creatives working with Hard Drive including myself to get paid better. When I actually got a response, the idea was often shut down. Eventually due to the state of my company, my pay was cut for a second time I confronted management alongside a couple other important figureheads at the org and told them that if we couldn't do a Patreon - I could no longer financially justify staying there. The answer was still no, so I left. Baffled at the decision, but whatever.
It is unendingly frustrating to know that myself and many other people who put their soul into Hard Drive LEFT because of management's absolute refusal to compromise on a Patreon, to then see them launch one anyway a month later and get over 1000 people pledging money. I'm seeing a lot of things float around about greed and people being fired. No one was fired. Everyone who left, left because they were sick of management's decision-making. And honestly, management is a lot of things but I would not call them greedy. (From my experience.) They did genuinely make an effort to pay people as much as possible. I found the pay very fair for a while. I am not disputing that I was paid what I was owed - yet management frequently feels the need to remind critics of that. Lmao, yes. I was paid what I was owed. No one is disputing payment. You did the bare minimum a business owner should do and paid everyone their due, very well done. I make no allegations of greed, cheating or foul play. I make allegations of poor management and incompetence that has fucked over other people.
Basically the only people left at Hard Drive have been there for about 2 months. They will reap the rewards of this successful Patreon I and so many others passionately fought for for so long. We will not see a dime.
I do not know the new people at Hard Drive, But I feel bad for them. They were haphazardly thrust into Hard Drive's workplace with little to no explanation on how anything works, or given any context on the state of the place. Even now managements feeds them half-truths and misinformation about other people's grievances. I am broke and have been for a while. I had to move out of my flat in Reading and back with my family because of how little money I was making. This has basically doomed my flatmate to moving back in with abusive parents, which is something I feel guilty about every day. If we had gone with the Patreon I worked myself hoarse over back then, this could have been avoided. Some of my other good pals could also not have been fucked over.
It was a bad judgment call, but it's not a crime. It's just management getting it wrong.
So should you give to the Hard Drive Patreon? I don't know! I don't think any of the new people working there to patch up the holes left by the recent mass exodus have any bad intentions. Maybe they deserve it! But it is not the same site you knew a year ago, or even a month ago. Myself and many people who were there far longer than me and did far more for it than I did are all gone now because we could not deal with management's terrible decision-making and dogass communication any longer. That's what you should know, imo
I had an agreement in place with management that I would receive the next 8 months of revenue from the Hard Drive YT channel from my leaving in November. This was a deal I appreciated, and thought was very fair on management's behalf. So far, the deal has been honoured for 2 months. However as of last night I was removed from the Hard Drive Slack without warning, and as an editor for the YouTube channel. This means I no longer have any way of verifying how much I am owed, I just have to take their word for it. I'm sure management will make their own statements full of half-truths and weird language on the many cases being brought against them - I'd take everything they say with a pinch of salt if some of the screenshots I've seen of them talking about me are any indication lol
To management; I do not want to talk to you. I want you to DM me a screenshot of how much I'm owed every month and then send me the money per our agreement until June, then we can go our separate ways. Do that and admit to your mistakes, and maybe you can recover your reputation! That's it from me, lol. If they pull out of the deal and fuck me over I'll have more to say, but most of what I know is other people's stories of incompetence and poor decision-making, lol. I genuinely get no pleasure out of doing this; I do not think management is evil - I just think they're really bad at what they do and it's cost other, more talented people, lol. You should believe the writers imo
One last thing I wanna say btw, management did often stress that no one should try to make Hard Drive a full time thing. They were transparent about that, and that is fair. I was working on it because at a few points, I was lead to believe we actually were doing a Patreon. Many other ppl have similar stories of being strung along by management changing their minds and stop-starting shit every 2 weeks. We all made the fatal mistake of overestimating our manager - who would tell you one thing one day and something totally opposite the next week lol
Hunter R. Thompson:
I'm not your dad, but speaking as a Hard Drive writer, I don't know that funding Hard Drive on Patreon is worth it
The driving talent on the back end—behind the kickass site I joined in 2019—have peaced out over the years as the site's been (in our view) increasingly mismanaged. Mismanagement like, not setting up crowdfunding before the ship sank and all its best crew failed; or publishing a screenshot of Andy Ngo pedojacketing a trans writer, complete with her deadname; or a disgruntled ex-writer getting falsely accused of shit-talk, by actual staff. I'm grateful for the writing I've gotten to produce for HD (and will forever be kicking myself for not writing even more, in the four years I've had to do it!! i'm a dumbass!!!) but it is very much no longer the site I signed up for.
I don't want to resign as a contributor altogether, because I'm open to the idea of the site recovering and bad practices being retired as finances level out-- it would just be dishonest for potential backers to not be Aware Of The Circumstances, I think.
Jeremy Kaplowitz: i truly don't want to start shit, but feel compelled to say: i want to see Hard Drive succeed w/o resorting to throwing former writers & editors, myself included, under the bus. surely there's a way to save the site without building it over the corpses of those who left. my $0.02 i don't blame anyone who wants to sign up for the HD patreon and i support the website, but that includes those who worked on it for years, have complaints, and don't deserve to be treated like bitter assholes like this kind of stuff is just objectively true, meanwhile there's these new writers who joined the site after i left (meaning, in the last ~3 months) claiming people are liars. decide for yourself if you care, but this is what happened! [Quotes this Tweet]
Seth Finkelstein: Writing for Hard Drive has been a privilege the past few years, and it makes me so angry to see people I looked up to get jerked around behind the scenes. The amount of grenades the editors jumped on our behalf is immense, and I don't think the way they're being treated is right.
Other Bits On AI: We do know for sure however that AI art has been used by the site. Its fucking owner confirms it here:https://twitter.com/MattSaincome/status/1743040541603123622. Seems the owner pushed AI written articles as well! TayFabe: My vaguetweet is making the rounds & these made me apoplectic. - owner regularly lobbied using ai. Once he tested it & said ai was writing better satire than 25% of the HT/HD writers. - ai images were used on the site & socials w/o consulting the team or disclosing it publicly I found the ai bit relevant to include bc 1) it illuminates a stark change in HD's current direction & leadership, 2) ai images have previously been used on the site and (since deleted) ig posts, 3) ai content fucking sucks, and repeatedly pushing to use it is a telling quality The "handful of writers who chose to leave" includes 2 editors-in-chief (both cofounders who wrote a combined total of >1,000 articles & defined the voice of HD), & at least 3 other editors. These guys put in WORK since 2017, so cool to be corrected by ppl who joined in Nov 2023 [Link to mentioned vague tweet from post.] More from TayFabe: owner continuously lobbied for using ai in every possible way. No one else wanted to do it, but he kept on, saying ai was writing better satire than 25% of the HT/HD writers. Also, ai images were used on the site & socials without public disclosure or consulting the team.
The owner has responded now multiple times in a private discord... Thank you for people sharing screenshots! First Screenshot:
Kevin's Response: He banned me from the server for speaking out, so no, I didn't see it. And he gave no indication of a timeline, it was just "we'll do one when *I* say so" and gave every inclination he was totally against it. It bred an environment that pushed our hands to have to leave. Screenshot Round Two:
Kevin's Response: "Starting one in 3 months" is an absolute lie. He denied it, I have screenshots and others who can confirm. No timeline was given. Just "this is what it is now" and like, I couldn't live off of that. I wanted to do more but he was allergic to good ideas from others around him.
Matt, owner of Hard Drive, responds publicly on Twitter.
Matt: Kevin, the patreon launch was delayed because I didn't think it would work. Everyone is happy that it did work. Everyone who left the site because we didn't have money to pay for creative content which didn't revenue is welcome to return home. But unclear why the hostility.
Hard Drive paid out literally every dollar it had, then a bunch more, to creative people who worked on the site. When we ran out of money, we couldn't pay anymore. We did our best.
Kevin: Right, and my point of this thread was that it was completely and totally avoidable. This is reasonable to be upset about. How could I have been any more clear?
Matt: If we knew with 100% certainly that the community would have supported us via patreon, we would have done that. We didn't know. We had tried 4 years ago and got no support. We were wrong this time. We did our best to figure it out. We paid all the money we could.
Kevin: So you knew with 100% certainty this time? Or you took a leap of faith?
Matt: It was a last gasp panic effort after ad rates got cut in half on january 1st due to seasonal spending changes. We didn't know it would work. We were embarrassed to ask for support. We wanted to figure it out.
Kevin: Every site has a Patreon. Every YouTuber, comedy group, etc. But you insisted that nobody cared about Hard Drive. Which is wildly untrue. I know you see that now, but again, I think you can see why I and many others are pretty upset. A last ditch panic effort was long overdue. A couple more things from Matt:
It was about the size of the hole we needed plugged budget wise, the time I had left of personal resources, and the past data I had about us trying a patreon (which turned out to be a bad indicator). I didn't think the Patreon would help us fast enough. I made a bad estimation
aka "if we make $1000 more dollars a month via patreon, which would be 10x what we got last time, we will not solve any of our problems. If instead we try to plow down path B, we might make it out in time." That was the thinking. I chose the wrong path, but didn't mean to Kevin also retweeted this comment from the user Matt was responding to: So you're saying that you're bad at running the business, didn't listen to any of your employees until after they were forced to leave their jobs, and now you're going to get more of the money from the Patreon that was their idea in the first place? Matt's Response: Respectfully, I made a mistake delaying the patreon decision. But keeping a comedy site alive for 9 years is not easy, there are lots of potential ideas, and think overall we've done a good and honorable job. Will leave this thread in peace now to allow people their space.
Sorry for linking to Elon's hellsite (derogatory), but sources need links so...
3K notes
·
View notes
Text
Ghost Driver 4
masterpost
Danny was starting to suspect he had kidnapped a child. He rapped his fingers against the steering wheel nervously. Jeeze. That was bad. Was Danny the stranger danger? He hit the brakes hard and turned the wheel hard to pull off a parking trick. He didn’t intend to be the stranger danger!
‘I think that is a human child. Wow, I hate myself.’ Danny turned off the car and resisted the urge to beat himself into unconsciousness against the steering wheel. ‘But he’s been helpful. Maybe it’s fine?’
He put that anxiety away to deal with later.
“Here we are.” Robin unbuckled gingerly, another nail in the coffin he definitely didn’t have. What kind of ghost would use a seatbelt? Danny wanted to slap himself in the face. Maybe Robin didn’t know what Danny had thought. He hadn’t called him a ghost, right? Not directly. Maybe there was a way out of this social situation that wouldn’t be really awkward.
‘He appeared out of like, nowhere,’ Danny defended himself miserably. ‘In a graveyard! He moves weird- he’s just a spooky little guy.’
It was probably the kind of mistake that anyone could make.
Whatever.
He let Robin take the lead, mind and stomach churning. This had been such a weird day. First off, Victor had turned out to be not Victor, and also to be a total knockout babe. Then, Jay did like, a big hero thing promising to keep Danny safe and kissed his hand and—
His face burnt at the memory. Anyway, of course he was trying to find the guy. Anyone would want to secure a date.
‘I am starting to wonder if he’s dead, though, and I just didn’t notice. The news articles about his death and also the headstone are pretty compelling evidence. Did I fail to notice he was dead?’
In past he would have said “fat fucking chance, I am an expert.” But, uh.
‘It’s not like I’ve never been fooled before. I thought Spectra was alive at first. And...’
He cut a look at Robin. Christ, his chest was expanding. Yeah, he was breathing. Danny wound fingers through his hair and pulled. Real. Human. Child. He grimaced.
He was going to jail for like, ever.
“I’m a disgrace to ectology and the afterlife,” he said mournfully.
Robin cut him a surprised look, movement sharp and aptly birdlike. “What’s that?”
“Nothing,” Danny dismissed. “Get the door open, it’s fine.”
“Like it’s that easy,” Robin muttered, but he went back to whatever arcane stuff he was doing. Because he was not a ghost, and couldn’t just phase through. Danny stuck his hands in his pockets, resigned to seeing how this played out.
It took Robin nearly ten minutes to disarm the security system, but he opened the door to the safe house gingerly. Nothing shot them.
“Lemme go first,” Danny said, because he sort of still hoped that Batman wouldn’t break his fingers with a novelty bat-shaped hammer for this offense. He edged past Robin and into the apartment. He flicked on a light. “Oh, there he is,” Danny said, relieved.
Robin ducked in under his shoulder shockingly fast. “Jason?” He pulled up short.
“Yeah, he’s out of it,” Danny agreed. Jason was slouched on the sofa, hand hanging over the side. He had some kind of road rash up the side of his face, scabbing up to his left ear. He had bandages around a hand and his neck. He had stripped down to the sleeveless undershirt and sports leggings. Unf.
“Nice,” Danny said appreciatively.
“Is he dead?” Robin asked, sotto voice.
Danny shrugged. “Not more dead than he was before?” He hedged.
“….Are there quantifiable variations of being dead?” Robin asked.
Shit. Danny went stiff. “No, finish your milk,” he snapped.
“I’m… not drinking any milk.”
Danny frowned, thrown off his groove.
Right. This wasn’t the neighbor’s kid he occasionally babysat. That tactic wouldn’t work to shut down unwanted questions. Or would it?
“Go get some, the kitchen is over there.”
Robin stood still and looked very offended. That was good enough. Danny pushed past him to check Jason over a little more closely. He noticed a cheap flip phone on the floor near where his hand was dangling. He picked it up to see a message on the screen that said “serry I canf come but I call latert”. It was unsent. He checked. It was almost directed to his phone: Jason had gotten the last digit wrong.
“Aww,” Danny said, charmed. “He tried.” He snapped the phone shut and made sure the guy was breathing and not bleeding through his bandages or anything. Danny checked the color of his fingernails for oxygen discoloration, his heart rate, his pallor. He finished and stood back with his hands on his hips.
“Well?” Robin snapped.
Danny shrugged. “His blood is inside? I’m not a doctor yet and it’s not like there’s any equipment here. His pulse is fine, color looks good…” He scratched the back of his head. “I think he’s just sleeping off a concussion.”
“A concussion?” Robin’s voice went high.
Jason groaned, head lolling.
“He’s up!” Danny hovered off the ground. “Hey, you undead?” He poked at Jay’s chest gently.
Jay batted at his hand, poorly. It didn’t connect. “Mm not dead anymore,” he complained, face scrunched up. “Joker’s not dead either. Leave me to suffer.”
“…Do you want Joker dead?” Danny asked. He cocked his head to the side. “I think we can hide that.” There was nothing saying that a prisoner transferred to the Infinite Realms had to be kept there alive. In fact, it might be more convenient for Walker if the guy fit his usual prisoners’ general description.
“We can not hide that,” Robin interrupted. Party pooper.
He cut a sideways glance at the child. Hmm. “Isn’t it your bedtime?” Danny asked casually. They needed to ditch him to get anything done.
“It’s time for breakfast,” Robin snarked. “Look outside.”
“…Do I have to feed you?” Danny asked, alarmed by the expanding nature of responsibility. He didn’t wait for a response, because it was obvious. When you cart around a child, you have to feed them at mealtimes. What did Jay even have in this kitchen? Danny wasn’t a particularly accomplished cook. He crossed the apartment in a panic to peer around the fridge.
12 eggs, still within date. Uh… there was some butter in the fridge as well, and milk with two days left. He shook the carton. Basically full. Um…. He opened cupboards in search of carbs. Nothing.
“Freezer,” Robin suggested.
Danny checked. “I didn’t know you could freeze bread.” He turned it over in his hands dubiously. “Okay… toast and eggs.”
Thank god he didn’t have any classes today. He was going to crash so hard once he’d finished everything important.
Jason didn’t react to anything they had said or done. Danny stuck his head out of the kitchenette to squint at him. The guy was still immobile on the sofa.
“Maybe breakfast is what he needs,” Danny decided, dubious. But that was a real thing! People need food to recover. Calories might help him.
Robin perched on the counter and watched Danny with a weird intensity. “I’m just melting butter in a warm pan,” Danny told him. Maybe the kid didn’t know how to cook. “Wanna help? Put the bread in the toaster.”
Robin didn’t move. “You’d better do it.”
…weird.
Danny took out two slices of frozen bread and stuck them in the toaster. “It’s easy, bro,” he said, nonplussed. “Insert, and pull this lever down.” He demonstrated. “Check the time— I’ve got it for two minutes, it probably won’t be enough but we can check on it.”
He turned back to the fry pan. The butter was bubbling now. He cracked two eggs in. It sizzled pleasantly.
The sound helped him think things through. How was he going to do this? Skulker might fight to keep his new guest. And Walker- Danny grimaced. Walker had never really forgiven him for that prison break thing.
‘I might need to lean on someone else’s authority,’ Danny mused. ‘Walker respects other cops. So I should, like, get that police guy to come and ask for the paperwork directly.’
It felt like no time at all until he scraped an egg off onto a piece of toast and handed it to Robin. He put the other on a plate and made one more toast and egg for Jay.
Robin followed him to the living room, toast in hand.
“Go on, eat up.” Danny shoved his own toast into his mouth in one ghastly crunch. His cheeks stuck out as he began chewing on it. Then he plopped down on the floor next to Jay and started prodding his face again. “Hey. Hey.” Poke. “Breakfast.”
Jay groaned. He unsuccessfully tried several times to bat Danny’s hand away, but eventually gave up and clutched the open-faced sandwich.
“Gucky,” Danny said, observing the very odd way Jason was gripping the egg directly. Yolk leaked out under his middle finger. But he ate it, though, so it was fine.
He turned on Robin when he remembered he was there. “Can you get home by yourself?” He asked.
Robin looked at him with his creepy white eyes. “…No.” His wrist was flashing red. Was that like, a bird message system? Was it some kind of alarm going off because he had gone out of the acceptable Robin roaming range? Robin was pretending not to notice it.
Danny groaned and let his head rest against Jason’s leg. “Fine,” he complained. “Uh. I’ll take you home, then go move the Joker, get paperwork from Walker, and come back to give it to- what’s up?” He looked up through his bangs. Jason had grabbed onto his hair.
“Joker?” He peeled an eye open. “No…”
“You heard the man,” chirped Robin. “He doesn’t want you to interfere with the course of justice.”
Jason, Danny discovered, still had the egg yolk in his hand. He discovered this because Jason flung it dead center on Robin’s face.
“Ha,” Danny said. The child was a downer, what could he say? “I think he wants me to interfere with the course of justice,” he parroted snootily. Even though that wasn’t at all what was going on.
“Dangerous,” Jason said. He peeled one bloodshot eye open. He looked terrible.
“You look awful,” said Danny. “Lie down- no, don’t get up, what are you doing?”
“I’m coming with you,” Jason grunted. He waved a hand at Robin. “And this hallucination of my childhood innocence.”
“Actually-“
“Sh.” Robin rushed to get the door open. “Support his arm, will you?”
“You still have an egg face,” Danny told him sulkily. He picked Jason up effortlessly. He ignored the muttered:
“I can fly?”
from his passenger. “Come in, bird, we gotta get you home before someone murders me.” Danny jangled the keys and sunk down through the floor to make a point. Robin’s shouted “hey!” was muffled through the floor. Danny snickered and settled Jason in the passenger seat.
579 notes
·
View notes
Text
FINALLY CLOSING THE GAP BETWEEN YOU AND YOUR HIGHEST SELF IN 2024.
You are going to STOP scrolling endlessly for self-help and advice content and you are going to STOP and apply the knowledge you have endlessly gained. Obtaining help and advice knowledge is useless if it goes through one ear and comes straight out the other. STOP becoming addicted to the idea of scrolling and scrolling for your problems yet you already have the resources to fix them. A fool is a person who cannot decide to take action despite having access to the information needed to do so.
BREAKING FREE FROM THE SCROLLING CYCLE
Learning and Applying is one thing, but Learning and Staying Stationary is literally brain rot. You're addicted to the idea of change and the end result, but you never take the steps towards discipline with a personal structure to get that result. You keep looking for quick fixes and easy hacks, but life is not a quick fix and no hack can elevate your life from 0% to 100% without visiting the rest of the numbers first.
TAKE A BREAK FROM SCROLLING
Take time away from your usual scrolling and learn to be on your own. Learn your own ways of self-care, learn what works for you and understand what you need, because nobody is the same. Following a millionaire's morning routine will not make you a millionaire. This routine has worked for someone to feel and be productive in the morning and was probably curated over the years to suit their current lifestyle. So, seeing other people's successes and comparing their working ways to your life is unrealistic if you are not in a position to implement them. Going straight from 0% (Being unproductive and procrastinating) to 100% (Being incredibly Productive and in tune with self) will not be sustainable for someone who has not built the discipline and the inner foundations required for it. STOP seeing information online and taking it without ALTERING anything to your personal situation.
STOP ASKING HOW TO AND JUST DO
"How to lose weight, How to become more social, How to do this and that"
Most of these things you ALREADY know the answer to. Everybody knows that to lose weight, you need to burn more than you consume. There is literally no other way, no magic and no secret hack, just that simple fact. I guarantee you know that to become more social you just have to be social. Learn to be comfortable in social situations which will require inner work, but it's not a difficult concept. Most of us know what we need to do, yet we still try to find quick fixes or another way that same message is presented to us differently. We act as if we are improving and developing on our "improvement" journey yet we are just finding coping ways to feel like we are moving, yet we are still in the exact same place as before. I know you know what to do, I know you have researched what you should do and ways you can do it. So why are you not doing it? Why are you still not where you want to be? If you are not where you want to be, then what you're currently doing needs to change. You cannot do the exact same thing you've been doing for years and expect a different outcome. You need to curate a routine suited to your needs that is realistic and achievable to adopt.
LEARNING TO MOVE ON YOUR OWN, STOP DEPENDING ON OTHERS TO FUEL YOUR SUCCESS JOURNEY LISTEN TO: NOBODY IS COMING TO SAVE YOU BY JULIENHIMSELF Make yourself your safe space, your foundation. When you see yourself in the mirror you should be able to tell yourself "I love you", you should be so sure in what you do that nobody else can contradict what you believe in yourself, this is the end goal of self-improvement. Many of us have put aside our goals because we "are not ready", "people may judge us" or "I need to be/achieve ___ to.." Now don't get me wrong, I'm on this journey with you. I write on this blog to teach my brain how to think in the higher mindset that I'm creating for myself. I too have thoughts like this which is why in 2024 we are going to break out of our old selves to make room for our new selves together. We have to lose ourselves to find ourselves. If you're mood and self-worth are controlled by other people's opinions, then you will never advance further with yourself and will remain stationary. You have to stop allowing other people to determine whether you are allowed to pursue your desires or if you shouldn't because of fear of rejection. Don't take life too seriously, we are only here for so much time. So what if people make fun of you? In a few years will you look back and be proud and fulfilled of your past or feel regret and disappointment? LISTEN TO: WHY YOU CARE SO MUCH BY JULIANHIMSELF + LISTEN TO: HOW TO DETACH BY VICKITA TRIVEDI
The only way to get to 0%-100% is by doing.
Embody your potential
#self worth#dream girl#that girl#self improvement#improve#self growth#self gratitude#new years#highest self
2K notes
·
View notes
Text
PornMum
I opened the front door of my flat with a loud bang. I was pissed, the shooting was called off last minute and I had travelled for two hours to reach the location.
" Hi, Mum." my little boy greeted me from his bedroom.
It was the middle of the summer and the only thing he had been doing so far was reading and playing video games, I was aware he didn't like to socialize with his peers. I was his only parent, his father left us when he was just born.
" Honey I'll be to you in a second.” I yelled across the house walking to the kitchen to get myself something to drink. I was thirsty and sweaty, even though I had dyed my hair blonde and I was wearing just a top and skirt the heat was unbearable.
I took some cold water from the fridge and drank it at once.
I put the glass back in its place and headed to my son’s room, knocking softly before entering. He looked up from the screen and smiled. "How have you been?" I asked him sitting beside him.
He shrugged. "Alright, just read some manga."
"You need to go out more." I opined, trying not to sound too harsh but concerned about him being stuck at home all day long without seeing anyone else.
He swiftly dodged my gaze and sighed deeply. " Whatever. Why are you home so early today?" he questioned.
I sat on his bed. " My last schedule was cancelled last minute." I explained without giving him too much information.
He was just 12 years old and being told I was one of the most successful, requested and appreciated JAV actresses in Japan wasn't something I would share with him. He knew me as Mina, the kind and loving mother who always cooked delicious dinner for him. Not the one that was an adult film actress.
"Oh, what happened then?" he asked innocently.
I tried to explain my situation without making any reference to the industry I worked for. " The director told me they wanted to postpone it. So I came home."
He nodded. " I see."
I glanced at him, looking him in the eyes. " Hey, do you want to eat something? I'm hungry, let’s prepare something together." I suggested with a smile. He agreed.
We went to the kitchen hand in hand, he was still short and thin for his age. But his blue eyes made up for it. We both loved cooking and baking, especially him since he enjoyed eating sweets, I did my best to make sure he had a balanced diet.
While we were cooking some of the tomato sauce for the spaghetti landed on my clothes, staining both top and skirt.
" Dammit." he cussed. He has stirred the sauce with too much energy causing the little mess on my outfit.
" Do not worry, honey." I reassured him and got off my skirt and top right there in the kitchen. His eyes widened in surprise.
"What are you doing, mum?!" he said, sounding embarrassed.
I giggled and caressed his cheek. " Don’t be silly, this is nothing. You’ve seen my butt many times before." I teased him, bending over to clean the stains from the floor.
My ass was on full display for him and I could feel him staring at my cheeks, so plump and round, my pussy lips covered with just my small panties. It was nothing new for him to see me almost completely nude since I rarely wore anything around the house but his reaction was strange, he looked flushed and nervous.
“ Mum... Are you going to take your underwear off as well?" he stuttered.
I turned around to look at him. " What?! No! Of course not." I laughed nervously. " Unless you asked for it."
He became red as the tomato sauce. " I don't know what you are talking about." he ran out of the kitchen and into the living room.
I sighed and turned off the stove. Slowly I made my way to him, who was sat the sofa fidgeting with his hands on in lap.
" What's wrong baby?" I asked him sitting next to him.
He didn't say anything for a good minute, busy in deep thought. " I do have a problem in my underwear," he affirmed not sparing a glance to me.
" How come?" I inquired.
" They're wet." he whispered so low I barely heard it. " And it doesn't stop leaking." he continued.
His words sent shivers down my spine, I couldn't believe it.
" Let me see." I gently pulled him to stand and unbuttoned his trousers. His briefs were soaked through with precum.
" This is normal honey. All boys your age leak precum now and then. Especially when they see a hot girl." I told him trying to reassure him. He blushed again.
"It never occurred before." he panicked.
"Well, maybe you liked what you saw earlier." I mused.
" Maybe you liked your mum’s body." I added teasingly.
" That’s ok honey, it’s normal to think your mother is sexy." I encouraged him.
He seemed to relax a bit. " But it’s not appropriate." he complained.
I stood up and cupped his face. " Nothing is wrong, honey. You’re my son, but also a boy." I comforted him, feeling somehow attracted to him.
" Now, if you excuse me I'm going to change. You can stay here or join me." I winked at him. His eyes fixed on mine for a few seconds before nodding in agreement.
As soon as we were inside my bedroom I closed the door and locked it. Then I stripped from my bra and panties. My son looked at me wide-eyed, taking in my naked form.
" Come here." I said walking to him. I felt him tremble as our bodies touched. My hands caressed his back, slowly descending to squeeze his bum.
"Do you like it?" I asked him. He nodded shyly.
I kissed his neck softly, moving my hands to grab his cock through his trousers. He gasped as I stroked him over his pants. " Take it out for me." I commanded him.
He obeyed me pulling out his dick. It was bigger than expected for a boy of his age, yet far from the ones I had to deal with at work. I gave him a few strokes while kissing his neck and biting his earlobes. He moaned in pleasure.
" Mum, my member doesn't get soft." he affirmed worriedly in between moans.
" It’s ok honey. I'll make it soft." I assured him. I knelt in front of him, licking the tip of his penis. His legs wobbled.
" Mum..." he moaned my name. I took him fully in my mouth sucking and bobbing my head, tasting him for the first time.
I worked shipped his dick for less than 2 minutes and he shuddered in front of me. "I- I'm feeling a warm sensation spreading all over my body." he stated worried. " What is happening?"
I chucked releasing his dick from my mount and enveloping it into my hand. " You are cumming." I explained stroking faster.
" Am I supposed to feel something like this!?" he shouted losing control over himself.
I kept stroking until he exploded all over my breasts, covering them with his load. He fell on the bed exhausted, breathing heavily.
I wiped my chest clean using some tissues and lay next to him. " See, it’s ok baby. There is nothing to be ashamed of." I told him smiling. He nodded still catching his breath.
" Mum can you explain to me what just happened?" he questioned me shyly.
" You see, honey, you reached orgasm. Your member released semen and it felt good." I explained to him.
His eyes widen in shock. " Does it happen to women as well?"
I laughed at his ingenuity. " It does, you made me so horny that I want to have sex right now." I confessed.
He blushed but said nothing. Instead, he stared at my breasts. I could tell he wanted me to.
" You want to fuck me, don't you?" I asked bluntly, biting my lower lip.
He looked at me puzzled. " What does it even mean?"
I chuckled. " Let me show you instead."
I climbed on top of him and started grinding against his thighs. He hardened instantly.
I knew I should have gone easy on him. It was his first time and me being used to dealing with men more experienced and older than him was a risk for him, if I did go to ride him the same way I usually did with other cocks he would break in half. But I couldn’t help it, I craved him so much.
I was horny to stop and he looked so cute under me, so innocent. I needed to fuck him, I needed him to fill me and stretch my insides.
I rubbed my slit against his hardness, feeling the head of his dick poking me.
" What are you doing?" he whimpered.
" I'm riding your dick baby." I moaned. I aligned myself perfectly with his member and impaled myself on it. He let out a sharp intake of air as he felt himself inside of me.
The feeling was satisfying, he wasn't big enough to give me any issue stretching my pussy. I started to move my hips up and down, feeling his cock hitting my cervix each time I lowered myself onto him. I was moaning loudly and panting hard.
He was enjoying it as well, he held my waist firmly with his hand. I leaned forward and kissed him, feeling his tongue dancing with mine. Our teeth clicked together as I bounced on him harder and harder.
As I was expecting his member throbbed inside of me after a few minutes. I had to play smart not to make him feel bad about his performance, even though I was enjoying it thoroughly.
" Baby, I can't take it anymore." I lied. " Please cum."
His eyes lit up. " Really?"
I nodded and kept bouncing on him, not letting him stop thrusting into me. " Yes, cum inside of me." I begged.
He gasped at my words and buried his face into my neck as he unloaded himself deep into my womb. His arms wrapped tightly around my back, holding me close to him.
When he finished pumping his seed into me we collapsed on the mattress, panting and sweating profusely. " Did I do a good job?" he asked me shyly. I kissed his forehead. " Perfect."
I couldn't afford to tell him I wanted to keep going all night long." You can sleep here, tonight." I informed him.
He hugged me tightly. " Thank you mum."
I wrapped my arms around him as well, feeling how his heart was still beating fast and strong.
The next few days flew like always, I had been called for a few shootings and my baby kept staying in his room days in and days out.
It was a tiring Friday night, I plopped on the sofa wearing a white top and a matching pair of shorts. I had worked all the afternoon filming different scenes.
" Baby, I'm back." I called my son.
He came into the living room carrying his laptop, he was dead serious. " We need to talk." his blue eyes made me shiver more than the air conditioner.
" Wha.." I tried to speak, but he cut me off. " Hear me out first."
It was unusual for him to be this cold with me. " I was doing some of my homework today and one of the requests was to look on Google for some information about our relatives and guess what happened as soon as I entered your name?" he was slightly losing his temperament.
" I don't understand." I said confused.
" All the results were about you and your career as AV Idol!!" he exclaimed. " All those fucking films you've done! And how people call you 'JAV Queen' because you are the most requested actress!"
I stared at him shocked. " Well.."
" Well, what?" he interrupted me again. " You told me while we were fucking that you couldn't take anymore, and yet your last video that hit the charts was you begging a man with an 11 inches dick to keep fucking you and filling your tight pussy!"
My jaw dropped. " Um... I didn't want to lie to you." I stammered. I wanted to hide under the rug.
He shook his head. " Of course, you didn't!" he yelled. His little body was shaking in anger.
" Baby let me explain." I talked in a lower tone.
" Alright." he affirmed. " Explain to me the reason why you lied to me during our first time."
I sighed, hoping for the best. " Because I wanted to make you feel good about yourself."
He glared at me. " If you cared about me you would have told me the truth." he huffed.
" Baby!" I pleaded. " You have seen in my videos how wild I am, I didn't want to break you or to scare you. And I wanted you to have a special time with your mother, no matter the circumstances."
He crossed his arms and pouted. " Is it true you love other men more than me?"
I shook my head. " Absolutely not! I love you more than anything in the world, but I enjoy sex with them."
" I'm well aware of that now, no need to remark it." he spat.
I sighed and walked in front of him. " What do you want me to do to make it up to you?"
I raised his chin defiantly. " Tell me."
He avoided my gaze. " Have you saved enough money?" he questioned.
" More than you and I can spend in a lifetime." I replied honestly. " Why?"
He stared at me dead in the eyes. " I want you to retire, to leave that disgusting industry behind you and be just my mother, the one who is just special to me. Just my mother."
I looked at him, feeling conflicted. " Baby, money aside, how are we gonna deal with the lack of affection I crave for?" I asked him softly.
His eyes flamed. " I crave for you. I'm young and you could mould me as you please to fulfil all you need." his voice was firm.
I smirked widely. " You do, huh?". " Yes." he nodded.
" Show me then." I challenged him.
And he did, he proved to be more eager and greedy than any other man I had ever met. He ate me out like he was starving, making me scream and squirt in his mouth.
" Bed." I moaned, my legs were trembling from my climax. He took my hand and walked to my bedroom.
" Baby, we are not done yet. You know, right.?" I asked him kneeling in the middle of the mattress.
He nodded and crawled towards me. I reached down and grabbed his dick into my hand.
" I'm gonna make you ready." I stroked his length slowly and licked his head, taking him into my mouth and sucking hungrily. " You taste so sweet, baby." I praised him, feeling his precum leaking on my tongue.
He moaned in delight and grabbed my head with his hands, pushing me down on his cock. I gagged a bit as he fucked my mouth.
After a few minutes, I pushed him away from me and lay down. " Fuck me now, baby." I urged him.
He positioned himself in between my thighs, lining up his member to my pussy and pressing it into me. He filled me, his thickness stretched my inner walls and I screamed in pain and pleasure.
" Harder, baby." I egged him on. His thrusts were slow at the beginning but became rougher as he gained confidence.
He slammed into me furiously and I let out screams of joy. He grabbed my ankles and placed them on his shoulders, pounding me relentlessly.
I felt him pulsing inside of me and squeezed my muscles around him.
" Cum, baby." I demanded.
He let out a strangled cry and released himself into my hole. I felt his hot seed coating my insides and it was glorious, so much so it triggered my orgasm and I climaxed around him. He collapsed on top of me, spent.
" That was great baby." I purred satisfied, stroking his head.
" Can we do it again?" he asked curiously.
" We will. Soon." I promised him. " You’re gonna be the king of this house from now on."
He laughed. " Funny. Are you gonna retire for real?" he questioned.
" I will, but there is one last shot I need to do the day after tomorrow that I cannot cancel so out of the blue." I replied. " But I want you to be on set with me, to see how everything goes." I proposed.
" Ok." he agreed. I cuddled with him and drifted away, thinking of all the dirty things I wanted to do with him.
The day of the shoot arrived and I was nervous but excited at the same time, not only because it would be my last scene but also because my son would be present to watch it.
We drove to the location which was a luxurious mansion, I had shot here a few times already and I knew exactly where I would find my colleagues and the crew.
We reached the dressing room and my son followed me in, watching as I undressed and put on the costume chosen for the occasion. It was a black dress and a pair of high heels.
" It's not bad." he commented as I spun around to check how my dress fit me from behind.
I looked at him amused. " Just not bad?"
He looked on the floor. " You are extremely sexy." he mumbled.
I laughed. " You're such a good boy." I praised him. I leaned down and pecked his forehead, noticing as he blushed.
I cupped his chin. " Remember, this is all for fun, and you need to remember that."
He nodded solemnly. " I promise to behave."
" Good boy." I kissed him again.
The producer of the film came into the room to fetch me. " Hey Mina, we are all ready for you outside. This will be your last scene, do your best.
I grinned. " Of course." I waved at my son and left the dressing room.
I stepped on set and found my partner for the shoot, the famous 11-inch dick named Jax. He was a tall guy with broad shoulders, dark brown hair and hazel eyes. His cock was so thick that the guys on set used to compare it to a cucumber.
" Hello, Mina." he greeted me with a smile.
I returned it. " Nice to meet you again."
" So, we will be playing as lovers cheating on their spouses and we end up having passionate sex." the producer explained.
" Sounds perfect." I approved, already knowing the script.
" Action!" the director shouted.
The scene began with us dancing and drinking alcohol at the party hosted in the house. It went smoothly until we reached the part where we were meant to kiss passionately and start fooling around.
Everything changed when he slipped his hand into my dress and grabbed my breast. My eyes darted to my son standing behind the camera, he looked surprised by the sudden touch but not upset. He had an odd expression on his face, a mixture of confusion and lust.
The scene proceeds with us groping each other. Jax pinched my nipples and slid his hand up my thigh and to my mound, caressing it through the fabric of my panties. I gasped in pleasure.
I glanced at my son again, he had a hard time hiding his boner and I felt sorry for him. " Sorry honey." I mouthed to him, hoping he could read my lips.
He didn't seem bothered and gestured for me to continue.
We moved to the sofa and the director ordered us to remove our clothes. I obliged stripping out of my dress, leaving me bare apart from my bra and panties. Jax followed my example.
" Let's try some foreplay, Jax can you eat her out." the director said, addressing my partner.
Jax didn't need to be told twice, he pushed me onto the sofa and settled himself in between my legs.
His tongue was very skilled and had me writhing in pleasure within seconds, he licked my labia and my clit, sucking on my nub greedily. I moaned loudly as I felt myself nearing my release.
My hand pushed him deeper into my folds, urging him to go on. He lapped at me eagerly, sending sparks through my body.
I looked at my son again and found him touching himself through his trousers, his face was red in embarrassment. I felt sorry for putting him in that position, but at the same time, it was arousing to see him so affected by the sight of me getting eaten out.
Jax stopped suddenly and my gaze snapped back on him as he kneeled in front of me, holding his throbbing member. " She tastes wonderful." he complimented.
I spread my legs further inviting him to enter me. He plunged into me, stretching me like a rag doll. I arched my back at the sudden invasion and moaned.
" Mina, you have a tight pussy." he grunted. " I'm not even halfway in."
He began thrusting, slowly at first, allowing me to adjust to his size. Once he was fully seated in my channel he picked up his pace, pounding me fiercely.
I moaned at his ministration, my hands clawed at the cushion of the sofa.
" Oh god!" I shouted in pleasure. " Yes! Fuck me like that." I cried out as he hit my spot, rubbing it repeatedly.
My body trembled as he kept ramming me, I was at his complete mercy. My orgasm came overbearingly, causing me to convulse wildly.
He fucked me through my climax, not stopping in the slightest.
He was proving himself to be one of the best actors in the business. " Change position." the director ordered.
We ended up in a reverse cowgirl. My legs were still trembling from the aftershock of my climax but I managed to sit on him, impaling myself on his cock.
I started to bounce on him, rubbing myself against his pelvis. His hands grabbed my tits from behind and kneaded them roughly.
I was getting close again he rubbed my clit with his big fingers, making me clench around his shaft. " Yes!" I screamed, reaching another orgasm.
I collapsed on him, feeling exhausted from the intensity of my climaxes. He lifted me from his member, causing me to whine from the loss of him.
He pushed me face down on the sofa and entered me doggy style.
His thrusts were savage and violent, he pounded me relentlessly. I loved it, the feeling of being owned by him. My body shook as he slammed into me, my tits jiggling.
His hands gripped my waist, keeping me still and preventing me from escaping his onslaught.
" Fuck yes! Give it all to me." I screamed as he drilled into me.
"You adore my fat dick, don't you slut?" he groaned in my ear. I nodded eagerly.
Suddenly he slowed his thrusts and his member started to twitch inside of me. " Ahhh! Cum inside of me!" I shouted, squeezing him tightly.
He moaned and spurted his load into me, coating my insides with his seed. His movements were becoming slower and slower until he stopped entirely. He pulled out of me leaving me empty.
" Cut!" the director announced.
I felt dizzy from the number of climaxes I had reached and tired from the scene. Jax helped me stand up and I thanked him. My gaze wandered searching for my son, finding him sitting far behind the camera and staring at me with an unreadable expression.
He approached me with hesitant steps, avoiding eye contact. " So, you liked it, huh?" I teased him.
" At first yes, while you were still making eye contact with me." he asserted. " But not at all while you two got lost fucking like animals."
I chuckled and patted his head. " Baby, you gotta understand that sex is not all about romance, sometimes you just wanna get lost in the act."
He avoided responding to me and walked back to the car. I pitied him, he must have been hurt by the way I acted during the shoot.
I got cleaned and bid my farewell to all the cast, I found my baby boy playing with his phone while leaning on the car. He barely acknowledged my presence when I sat next to him. I drove back home, not daring to ask him how he felt.
" I'll order some dinner and we can watch a movie together, how does it sound?" I proposed as soon as we were in the safety of our house.
He shrugged and kept on his phone. I decided to give him space and not bother him for the rest of the evening.
I woke up to the sound of a knock on the door. " May I come in?" his voice was low and tender.
I sat up and opened the door. " Of course baby, what are you doing here so late?"
He walked into my room and closed the door behind him. I could smell his cologne, a scent so fresh and enticing. " Can I sleep here tonight?" he asked shyly.
" Of course." I welcomed him.
He hesitated not moving a centimetre. " Baby, if you want to be my partner you gotta be more confident within yourself." I began.
" I quit as you requested, now let me show you how good I am." I added signaling him to lie with me on the bed.
He complied and snuggled next to me. I cupped his face. " Don't you want me, baby?" I whispered seductively.
"I do." he confirmed. I kissed his lips, tasting his sweetness.
" Good. Now, let’s take off these pesky clothes." I cooed.
He stripped quickly, showing me his lean body and his hard dick. It was still impressive considering he hadn't hit puberty yet.
I removed my shirt and panties and straddled him. " Show me what you can do." I dared him.
He held my hips and guided me onto his dick, impaling me easily, I squeaked in shock. He moved his hips under me and I bounced on him, my tits swaying wildly as he pumped into me from below.
I leaned forward and kissed his forehead, feeling the sweat droplets forming on his skin. I pressed my chest to his and kissed him passionately as he fucked me.
He reached up and played with my tits, fondling them gently. I moaned at the pleasure of it all. His finger traced circles around my nipple causing me to shudder.
He picked up speed and his thrusts became more intense, slamming into me repeatedly. I cried out in bliss from his ministrations.
" You are gonna came me cum." I told him staring into his eyes.
His eyes darkened. " I know, you are." he affirmed.
" Yes, baby." I moaned. I rubbed myself against him feeling his thickness fill me.
He grasped my waist and rolled us over, putting himself in control. He pinned me beneath him and fucked me savagely, his thrusts powerful and deep.
" Ahhh!" I cried out, my body shivering in ecstasy. " Make me yours." I begged.
He grunted, his expression twisted in pleasure. " Mine." he muttered. " Only mine."
His body tensed and his cock pulsed inside of me. He growled and spilt himself into me, filling my hole with his load.
I orgasmed around him, squeezing his dick and milking him for more.
We stayed connected for a few moments, breathing heavily, sweat dripping on our bodies.
I rolled my hips around his sensitive length. " You did good, baby." I made him moan. " But mommy demands more."
He sighed happily but concern. " I'll do my best." he promised.
" Oh baby, I won't let you do anything less than your best and more." I rolled us once more. " You stay still and let me take care of you."
He nodded. " Whatever you want."
I began to move my hips slowly, rotating and grinding around his semi-erect cock. His breath hitched in response.
"You want my mouth again?" I teased. He nodded vigorously.
I crawled down his body and took him into my mouth, sucking and licking his head and shaft.
His member grew bigger in my mouth as I pleasured it with my tongue. His hips bucked up as I sucked him, eager for more of me.
He gasped and claimed me on him, I aligned him at my entrance and sank onto him, taking his length in one go.
He cursed at the feeling of my inner walls gripping his hardness. His eyes roamed my body, drinking in the view of me on top of him.
I rocked my hips, taking him deep into my core. His hands kneaded my ass as I bounced on his dick.
I leaned down and kissed him, moaning at the feeling of his tongue in my mouth. He sucked my bottom lip and nibbled on my neck.
I moved my hips faster, increasing the pace of our coupling. His hand reached down and rubbed my clit, causing me to moan louder.
" Yes!" I shouted as he rubbed my bud with his fingers. " You know how to make me feel good."
His hand felt magical on my body, playing my clit. I rode him harder and harder, feeling my orgasm approaching rapidly.
" Baby, try to hold back." I warned him, my body gave in and gushed out a torrent of liquid all over his stomach and cock.
I kept grinding on him through my climax, my muscles clenched around him.
He grunted in pain and pleasure. " Mommy!" he cried out.
I held him still inside of me during my climax.
I leaned in, kissing his lips eagerly. " Bravo, you didn't come yet." I praised him. " Now do all you desire to me."
His eyes darkened in desire. " Turn around." he demanded. I complied, crawling on my hands and knees in front of him.
" Spread your legs." he ordered. I did as told.
" What a beautiful ass you have." he complimented, slapping my cheeks lightly.
I moaned at the sting. " Harder, baby. Spank it."
He obliged smacking me harder, reddening my skin.
" Now, fuck it." I demanded. He didn't hesitate to plunge into me from behind, driving his cock deep inside of me.
His thrusts were brutal and relentless, he slapped my ass every time he bottomed out into me. My pussy clenched around him in pleasure.
" Ohhh!" I screamed.
His grip on my hip tightened as he fucked me wildly, his balls slapping against my thighs. His grunts were becoming more desperate and loud.
I leaned forward, bracing myself on the headboard. He bent over me and grabbed my tits, fondling and twisting them. His hot breath brushed against my ear.
" You like this?" he panted. " Being fucked by your son?"
"Yes." I breathed out. " More." I pleaded.
His fingers found my clit and rubbed it vigorously. I was close to reaching my climax again.
" Cum with me." I ordered.
He didn't argue. " I'm going to cum!" he shouted and slammed into me one last time before he emptied himself inside of me.
I squeezed his cock as he released his seed, milking him for all his worth. He collapsed on top of me, spent.
We remained there for a few minutes, his weight pressing down on me and his breath on my skin. His member still inside of me.
" That was great baby." I praised him.
He rolled off me and we cuddled in bed. " Thanks." he replied.
" You deserve it." I caressed his cheek. " I love you." I admitted.
"And I love you too, mum." he answered me. His eyes were heavy with exhaustion, his eyelids drooping shut. I watched him fall asleep, lulled by the rhythm of my heartbeat. I wrapped my arms around him and fell asleep too.
I woke up by the tip of his fingers tracing different paths on my body, his eyes looked at me with utter devotion. " Hi." he greeted me.
We cuddled for a bit, he got more clingy and affectionate than ever. " Baby, you gotta think to find a girlfriend sooner or later." I stated.
He frowned and squeezed my flesh in his hand. " Do not say blasphemous things." he hissed. " I won't leave you alone NEVER."
I smirked. " That's my boy."
Flesh pressed on flesh, as we explored each other’s bodies with carnal abandon. Together we steadily built to a crescendo of ecstasy. Our faces contorted with bliss, our breaths quickened, and our bodies tensed. We were one being, united in our mutual pleasure.
We crested the wave of rapture together. I cried out, overcome with euphoria, as he filled me with his essence. His cries mingled with mine, creating a symphony of passion.
As our bodies calmed, he collapsed on me. We shared a tender kiss, savouring the remnants of our climax. We basked in the glow of our union, our souls entwined in love. Our embrace was eternal, a testament to the depth of our bond. We knew that nothing could ever sever the ties that bound us together.
In the silence that followed, we shared a moment of pure understanding. Our connection transcended the boundaries of familial relations, and we were one in spirit and flesh. Our love was pure, untainted by the judgement of others. We had discovered our brand of heaven, right here on earth.
Together, we embarked on a journey of endless exploration, driven by the burning fire of our desires. Every day brought new experiences, fresh adventures that fueled our passion. Our love thrived in the secrecy of our sanctuary, free from the world's prying eyes.
In our hidden paradise, we indulged in a life of hedonistic pleasures, surrendering ourselves to the whims of our hearts. We revelled in the ecstasy of our love, secure in the knowledge that we were truly, madly, deeply in love.
#twice smut#twice x reader#twice mina#twice mina x male reader#twice#kpop x male reader#kpop fanfic#kpop bg
415 notes
·
View notes