#things im willing to do just to avoid working
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eightyones · 8 months ago
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readymades2002 · 1 month ago
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if i might bitch about work for a second: yesterday was hellishly bad despite being able to keep up with it and i found out that apparently our department made 4600 dollars yesterday which is making me angry beyond belieffffffff
#this is math i do fairly often bc i enjoy ho-hum math and hate my job and like#even if we took off 2000 bucks for overhead costs which feels excessive but i will concede it#that would be enough to pay everyone working a little over 860 dollars which is 300 more than what i make in a WEEK#literally WHEREEEEE IS IT WHERE IS IT GOING WHERE IS IT#i dont like following this logic through because on days where there are fewer orders we;d do less#and i disagree with gig work's implementation as ive seen it and i think that would stress people out worse than we already are#(which is significantly)#but at the same time. 850 dollars. i cant afford to buy groceries this week. 850 dollars...#can i get a BONUS or SOMETHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#it makes me soooo angry i was talking to one of the deli guys who asked for a raise and got denied mid-question#before our director accidentally showed him that their department is four thousand of gods own dollars under labor#its so revolting to me i talk to so many people in this store who are terrified because of medical bills or rent or car shit#half my department works two jobs just to get by and ALL OF THEM drive junkers#honestly one of the things thats scaring me about if i actually move out is that i do rely on...living with my mom#i pay for most of my own food i pay an absurd amount of rent to share a room with her but she's willing to drive me to work#even though i've offered to walk multiple times and she REALLY should prioritize her own time more#but at the same time...not having to pay for rides has been carrying me hard#if i got a car i'd be fucked because those things bleed money and generally ethically i disagree with cars#but if i dont its like okay pony up the money learn to navigate buses (except for sunday when they dont run) or get ready#to walk to your job where you walk all day and then walk home in the dark#which. i love walking. and listening to music on my own while walking. so bad example. but i also love not having my feet hurt#all the time always no matter what im doing which is something im becoming increasingly unfamiliar with#its like. ultimately. something's gonna get fucked no matter what#and then i hear a figure like 4600 and i remember how avoidable all of this shit is. how avoidable it is for ANY of us#our ceo is gonna walk away from this merger attempt with 5 billion dollars in safety-cushion money#the 10 top execs beneath him with 1 billion#and its just so. what can you even do. 5 billion. can a number like that even mean anything? how could you possibly need that much#850 dollars would be a lifechanging amount of money for me right now and im not even one of the worst off#its just. god. this world could be anything but what it is but its this and for what
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codecicle · 2 months ago
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wanted to apologise for possibly being someone who fucked up ur tl with 18+ slime posts (coming to grips with how tagging works on this here webbedsite!) please take my sincerest (anonymous) apologies ur a cool goober 🙏
ay man it's alright!! really!!! i understand most of the 18+ people are coming from websites like twitter or tiktok so they don't quite understand how it functions :-) if you ever need a tutorial or any help with understanding the culture here, shoot me an ask! it's insanely different from other social media and i completely understand its weird to adjust to and navigate. peace and love + have fun with your slimeposting ✌️
#i make yet anothet post just for me 👍#we have mail :]#btw - just as a sidenote#tumblr dashboards work different from twitter timeline#theres a few tabs: 1 dashboard 2 for-you and 3 following#following is tags you follow. which is why im mentioning the maintagging#if you tag stuff with that maintag (like slimecicle) then ANYONE going through that tag (searching 4 fanart like me! 4 example)#will see that post#and with 18+ stuff- most people consider it disrespectful to put it under maintags. there's subcultures and communities within just mcytblr#that specifically exist to keep it separated#the for-you tab is typically like a standard twitter tl though. thats pretty much how it functions#fun fact: likes are useless here! all they do is bookmark things#they dont affect your for-you tab. and they also don't help the visibility of other posts#the important button that does is Reblogging#which brings me to the dashboard! where most users reside#its a following-only tab that shows you things (if you have the setting turned on. which i recommend) in reverse-chronological order#so newest at the top oldest at the bottom#its exclusively curated by YOU! the user#so when i get upset at maintagging know its mainly not an issue ! but its considered a common courtesy to avoid main tags#and stick to those communities that thrive with that kinda posting#and not that it will mess up peoples individual timelines#<- also final note on this: dont add extra tags ! since again people will search specific tags for specific things#any more than 15 tags will then stop being sorted and categorized by tumblr- so its not helping your reach#<- for example. if i were to tag things hashtag mcyt hashtag mcytblr hashtag fandom onnnn and onnn#it would cut out organizing them at 15. all the tags b4 that 15 mark would be organized and go in their maintags#but after? tumblr doesn't count them#and !!!! tumblr has a report button for spam-tagging. if its about slimecicle the cc: dont tag his characters ! general rule of thumb#hope my rambling was helpful lmao! again i mean no ill-will dude all the 18+ account runners seem chill#they just obviously dont understand the culture and systems here and im more than willing 2 help out if i can :-)#if you need anymore help again !!! a dm or ask or ANYTHING is encouraged
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orcelito · 4 months ago
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Ykno the suckiest thing about being broken up with for someone else is that like. Well I'm doing generally fine, all things considered, but I Am kinda sad thinking about the things I've lost and all the casual affection that I can't have now.
But she's out there having all the affection she wants from her coworker, and it's just like. Damn this feels so skewed and SO unfair.
#speculation nation#and then U add in the fact that the girl she broke up with me for is already dating someone else (poly sort of situation)#and im just like. WHYYYYY did she break up with me instead of trying to negotiate poly???#she was gonna at first but when i expressed concern about poly given her obvious communication problems about it#then she dropped me like a hot coal. like sorry i wasnt about to let myself be stood up and ignored for basically a whole day#just to accept u trying to negotiate poly. like What?????#anyways i may have a bit of a history with being a bit of an asshole and breaking up with them#but at LEAST ive never broken up with anyone to immediately start dating someone else#and at LEAST ive broken up with them in person and not over text!!! the fuck?????#i keep alternating between 'surprisingly okay with it all' and 'maybe a little sad' and 'absolutely fucking LIVID'#and i keep wanting to yell at her more but i already said quite a lot of things. so id just be repeating myself#and at that point id just be a vitriolic piece of shit. which i try not to be.#so im letting her live in peace while i continue to be So Pissed about it and it just sucks man lmfao#why do i gotta be the bigger person fr. i even apologized for the hurtful things i was saying in anger. literally in that same conversation.#and she gets to pull this stunt and walk free and spend so much time with her new 'love' ignoring the world etc etc#honestly i hope it fails miserably for her. bc sure theres a chance it works out but every single part of this is impulsive and So Stupid.#and even tho my ex agreed with me when i told her it was INSANE. she was just like 'i have to' like OKAY????#jesus fucking christmas she's revealed a side to me that i really hadnt seen before.#so i hope it fails and i hope she tells me about it. i hope she owns up to her mistakes. for my own satisfaction.#but i have 0 intention on ever taking her back. because what the fuck????#i may be a flawed individual with plenty of problems. but i still have basic fucking dignity. and i am NOT accepting this back in my life.#and god damn her friend is moving into the unit across from mine for this coming year#and i may have to see my ex sometimes bc of it 😭😭😭#the friend seemed generally level headed tho. idk if i happen across him & he doesnt avoid me maybe i'll ask him what he thinks of this#bc she was treating me with such love and affection showing me off to all her friends. and then she drops me like a fucking coal.#i wouldnt say i made friends with them myself but we were at least friendly. so i doubt theyd have a good opinion of her for this.#so would the friend loyalty take precedence? or would he be willing to chat with me and confirm Yeah what the fuck?#bc if i had a friend who did this same exact thing id be side-eyeing them SO hard.#id support them bc theyre my friend but i would also be like 'hey uh Why did you do that. that was pretty awful of u you know that right'#& itd also make me more cautious of them too. for being Able to drop someone so suddenly lol.
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avibero · 10 months ago
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How do I become a beta reader.
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snekdood · 2 months ago
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the stereotype of rwingers becoming trans and then trying to become leftists shouldnt be a "ewww you're morally impure and havent been a perfect progressive since you were a fetus like I have" type of thing, if anything it should open up a broader conversation on how a lot of people amab are basically from day one being indoctrinated into the right thus making it harder for people to accept themselves and thats very concerning and we need to do something to stop this.
#and no amount of shouting 'men bad' will fix this btw. not that some of you care. you just want to shout....#and then ur like 'im just venting !!!!' on a post that's clearly made to get attention and reblogs.............#if ur just venting why are u providing links and wanting to spread this information#i just hate when ppl have a lot of shit to say but never any solutions. its like. great thanks i already know that. now what.#now what do we do to make things better? and if it required you to change in any way would you be willing to do so?#and some ppl dont wanna answer those questions bc they just want to rant but for some reason cant do that w/o trying to make it#a political post to get reblogs on tumblr..? if its a vent post turn off reblogs. like.???????#bc you providing links n shit and making it seem like you want the info spread but no one can critique you on how you provide#0 solutions or ideas in any capacity on how to fix things and just only ever demonize men- is giving heavy propaganda vibes#like i dont think ur doing it intentionally as propaganda i think ur just defensive but thats how its coming off#you're basically saying 'men bad' and thats it. like thats the only substance to what you're saying. theres never a solution.#theres never a light at the end of the tunnel. just. men bad. forever and ever. and that feels propaganda-y to me.#like as if you're a rwinger trying to convince me black ppl are all violent by only ever showing me stuff of black ppl being violent#and not even ever providing solutions to a fake problem so the natural conclusion i the viewer am to come to is 'black people violent.#always violent. should avoid' bc thats how racist propaganda works...... and... well.... *eyes your blog up and down*... yeah...#and thats not me saying 'men r oppressed like black people' thats me making an analogy that's similar. idk why acting that way#would suddenly be okay behavior if its about men instead........ like........... tf. doing this about anything is weird and sus as fuck lik#what possible reason would you have to antagonize and demonize something that much#its like. that subreddit of people who hate dogs. like they cant ever see dogs in a positive light ever and its just like weirdly cruel#for no real reason...? idk... and even if they have valid trauma about dogs like... maybe this level of vitriol to where you are quite#literally foaming at the mouth isnt good for you and you need to like look into why that's your reaction and why you think its ok to act#like that#and i dont mean that in a 'lol ur foaming at the mouth' i mean it in a 'im genuinely concerned about how upset you are' kind of way
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iamalily · 4 months ago
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Can't handle it?✧・゚: *✧・゚:*
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Mdni 18+ (this whole thing is the warning itself) enjoy!!♡
𝚂oobin who speeds up when you tell him to slow down,he pins your hands above your head with one hand and gently puts pressure on your lower stomach with his other,his length going in and out of you with a rapid pace as you struggle to keep queit
"shh its okay baby,you can handle it right?" he asks speeding up even more if thats even possible,at this point you were so fucked dumb,agreeing to whatever he said. You nod quickly,squirming in place
"soobin please its t-too much i cant" - "come on thats not what you said earlier to me,cant even take dick..how pathetic" he groans
you bit your lip trying to keep quiet,avoiding eye contact,now how did you even get here in the first place you might be wondering
Soobin
You and your friends were getting ready to go to a TXT concert and with how much work you have been doing lately you were really happy to get out and finally have a little bit of time for yourself ,you planned on letting go and just enjoying yourself ,relieving stress in any way you possibly could ,even if that meant agreeing to help your bias backstage with some...problem
"Come on! we're going to be late y/n!" Jackson screamed,yep...jackson wang,party freak,always on time,a little bit gay and currently drunk,Your friends gathered around as you all started getting your things,you all get in Sua's car ready to leave
"okay bitches,you all shaved and got your pens just in case right?" you could'nt help but laugh at jacksons comment
"jackson its not happening,its just a concert and we will probably never see them again" - "but it's front row tickets y/n,you never know when one of them might need head and im willing to give it" scoffing at his bold words,you connect your spotify to the cars radio as you guys try learning some of the dances last moment
As you arrive,you all run in after getting your bag checked for any weird things,multiple condoms falling out of your friends bags,you laugh out loud as they get busted and you take the condoms away deciding to throw it away before it starts trouble,picking it up as you walk down the hallway,through the crowd as you try and find a trash can. you walk past a closed door,without seeing te "backstage"sign you run into the room hearing someone continuosly grunting,you thought maybe someone got hurt so your doctor instins kick in,scanning the room as you look to your left you see someone you weren't quite expecting,with his member in his hand stroking softly,rock hard,his eyes closed not noticing you as of yet,you scream out loud,soobins eyes widen as he sees the random girl staring at him,he quickly tries to cover his cock with his hands
'"im sorry i didnt mean to look! i just heard something and..and thought someone was hurt and-" you stumble with your words trying to apologize without looking like a crazy fan but soobin cuts you off leaning back against the couch,sighing out loud "stop talking jeez,you wont tell anyone about this right?" you immediatly agree,feeling embarrassed enough
Soobin pulls you by your hand closer to him but you pull back "what are you doing,you just used that hand to touch yourself!" he grins and takes your hand pulling you down to sit next to him,avoiding eye contact as you pull your hand back but dont move off the couch
"why all that condoms? looks to me like you knew i was in here touching myself,should i report you?~" he teases,your eyes widen as you shake your head no and clasp your hands together in a begging manner "please dont,i wont tell anyone and i'll leave you to continue" - "no..how about you help me out instead?" you laugh thinking he is joking as you stand up to leave before you're being pulled down to your knees infront of him again,your mouth going dry as you avoid looking at him since his dick was quite close and hard not to look at
"touch it" no..you cant do that...this must be some crazy dream or something,why would you-
you take your hand moving it up towards his member before pulling away again"im sorry i cant do this" - "why ? cant hande it?" soobin smirks knowing you would listen to him since you are just a fan of his
"psh i can handle anything,this is nothing"you roll your eyes and look at his cock finally,feeling like your own words would betray you because there's no way you could handle any of whats happening,he looks huge,maybe 8 inches at most,his cock rock hard standing straight,his pink tip leaking precum,you gulp moving your hand forward wrapping your tiny hand around the base of his cock,taking a deep breathe as you slowly start to stroke him softly,soobin lets out low groans,you liked hearing him so you decided to take a risk,moving your head closer to his cock as you suddenly stick out your tongue licking long stripe along his tip.
Soobin moans softly, he didn't expect you to give in that easily but you did so not even a few minutes in, he was bucking his hips up, letting out high pitched whines as he took your head keeping you still, soobin started throat fucking you, choking as tears ran down your face yet you still didn't pull away
"Am g-gonna cum" soobin whined out, squirming slightly as he tried to keep his calm and stay dominant but oh how your warm tongue felt so good wrapped around his skin, his hips stuttered and just then you pull away, smiling up at him while he tried to catch his breath from his near orgasm that you didn't let happen unfortunately, you stand up wiping your mouth off as you hear the countdown outside the room, indicating the concert should be starting soon..
"Fuck..meet me back here when the show's over"
And if i don't?...what would happen...would i go back to living my Boring life...
"Alright..but only if i get to cum too then" you giggle, walking away to the stadium where TXT would perform
And that's how it happened, now you were taking soobins dick in a missionary position, he slapped your cunt as you whined out loud from his size "shut up" he proclaimed throwing his head back from the pleasure, he pulled out and moved you to lay over the couches armrest with your ass up in the air, he entered you from behind reaching even deeper now as he thrusted hard and fast again, hitting your g-spot in this position
"Soobin! Please don't stop~" - "i won't princess, just lay there and keep quiet" he knew you couldn't keep quiet, not when he was repeatedly rubbing your g-spot with the tip of his cock, so stretched out and wet, your and his juices leaking all over the couch
"Im gonna cum binnie!" Soobin speeds up his thrusts at your words, spitting on his fingers as he reaches around your waist and rubs your clit fast enough to make you cum
You scream his name out loud but he soon puts his hand around your mouth keeping your sounds muffled, his thrusts slowing down as he cums inside your hole, making you full with his seed, pulling out as cum drips down your wet pussy onto the couch and his fingers, he takes his fingers pushing his cum back into you and giggles at the whine you let out from sensitivity
Well maybe this won't be the only time you'll be seeing TXT...maybe you'll come back to see more of their concerts..more of him, you and soobin exchange numbers and part ways after ruthlessly fucking each other till you were nearly numb, what a night...
𝚃𝚑𝚊𝚗𝚔 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚊��𝚕 𝚏𝚘𝚛 𝚛𝚎𝚊𝚍𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚏𝚘𝚛 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚛𝚎𝚌𝚎𝚗𝚝 𝚜𝚞𝚙𝚙𝚘𝚛𝚝 𝚠𝚒𝚝𝚑 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚝𝚠𝚝 𝚕𝚒𝚗𝚔𝚜!! 𝚁𝚎𝚚𝚞𝚎𝚜𝚝𝚜 𝚘𝚙𝚎𝚗✩
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icallhimjoey · 2 months ago
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Not sure if you've done this but it fits the general mood of the fandom lately: I want grovel-y Joe. Knows he really fucked up but he's a guy so he doesn't know how to fix it so he just throws anything at the wall to see what sticks. And honestly we're not sure if we'll forgive him but we're definitely sticking around to see how far he's willing to go.
(yes I am in therapy 🤣)
okay im using this request to fix whatever that bullshit was that i wrote before this - hope you enjoy! Wordcount: 3.8K
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I'll Let The Sun Decide
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Joe realises it in the morning. Feels like the biggest fucking idiot in the world.
Correction: the biggest fucking idiot on the moon.
He watches you walk out of his bedroom after leaving a perfect cup of coffee, exactly how he likes it, on his bedside table and everything about that makes his heart ache.
After the way he behaved last night, he knows he doesn't deserve a sweet gesture from the girl who looks like she only managed to sleep for about two hours.
You look exhausted.
He only catches a glimpse of you, and a few seconds later he can hear the coffee machine go again. You're making a coffee for yourself after making him one, and Joe can't help but groan his face into his pillow.
Fuck.
He didn't reach out for you in the night.
Your one fucking rule.
He vaguely remembers going, "Hmm?" after he raised his head off his pillow in a jolt.
"Just me." You'd whispered, nothing malicious hidden in your voice, because it was after midnight and it wasn't the time to continue whatever you'd started earlier that evening.
He should've reached over then.
He hadn't. Not even a knee to your thigh, or a toe to your foot.
Nothing.
He should've been happy you'd come back to his flat instead of going to your own. You could've so easily decided to avoid him for a bit, but you didn't. You said you'd come back, and then you did, and, fuck.
He hadn't reached out.
He hadn't even read the texts you'd sent. Left you with a bunch of grey ticks.
Well.
He had read them, but only in the notification bar.
He'd seen the messages about you making it to the office safely. Of how Charlotte was there too - you'd do the work together and you'd be done much faster that way. A little later of how you'd just be another hour, and of how you'd let him know when you'd leave.
He wanted you to feel bad about choosing your work over him, so he withheld the coloured ticks and had felt real fucking smug over it. It was sickening how right he'd felt about his actions in the moment. Every petty little thing justified, just because you'd hurt his feelings.
You'd climbed into bed after he had already fallen asleep, and the feeling of movement next to him pulled him from his slumber. And then, instead of reaching over like he should have done, he had sighed all heavily, like he was really fucking annoyed that you'd woken him up as you got comfortable under his covers. He'd rolled over and ignored you. Turned his back and festered in his own anger like a moody teenager because he truly believed you deserved it.
What a fucking loser.
Didn't touch you all night.
The realisation slaps him in the face unexpectedly, and your early-morning kind gesture is what flips the entire script. What a fucking loser of a boyfriend.
You've made the deadline.
Joe sees it when he opens his messages after taking a perfect sip of hot coffee, and it's weird how he feels awful about himself and proud of you at the same time.
He didn't need to let the world burn over such a tiny inconvenience.
Joe hates the moon.
Longs for the sun.
The moon is cold and dark and he's all alone up there, only warmed by the light the sun will bring him.
The sun. Or, the messy-haired girl with tired eyes in soft clothes too big for her body who brought him a hot cup of coffee before she even made one for herself. Either or. Same thing.
Joe stares at your messages in silence, gives you the coloured ticks he should've given you last night, and feels heavy guilt find home in the pit of his stomach.
You finished all the work in time. Probably have done a real good job at it too. Did it at the office, away from Joe's bad temper, and managed to actually focus and forget about how he told you to fuck off when you were already on your way out anyway.
What a dick-move.
Fragile ego syndrome, you'd guessed then.
That dick-move is what had you second-guessing going back over to Joe's for a while. Maybe going back to your own flat was the smarter idea. Avoid the confrontation and just text him the next day, after he'd cooled off a bit.
Maybe he'd actually read those then.
Another dick-move.
Joe could be so annoying sometimes, but it was easy to read him and you knew that just a little consideration of your time would fix whatever this silly issue was. With that in mind, you'd made your way back over to his.
You knew his dick-moves only meant he was going to feel bad about himself come tomorrow morning.
And you were right.
Besides an annoyed sigh and a soft grumble, you didn't get much else from him when you got into bed.
That was fine.
Again, you didn't think it was the right time to continue a fight anyway.
But the morning brought something new.
You woke up before Joe did and it took a few seconds for you to remember. To realise your prediction was right. Joe hasn't reached out in the night. No silent I still love you touch under the covers for you.
And it stings.
Could make you cry if you thought about it long enough.
Joe's stayed on his side of the bed, facing away from you, and you tell yourself that at least you've come back to his flat like you said you would. You finished the work you had to finish, and did the right thing by returning.
But then, you concluded, you also haven't reached out to him at all, and immediately felt bad.
Joe can be so annoying sometimes, but you do still love him, and a warm palm to a shoulder blade could've at least let him know.
It would've made you the bigger person.
Which, you still were. You came back, didn't you? But Joe was being an absolute child and you didn't want to sink down to his level.
You should've reached over. Should've touched him. You have no good excuse for not following the one rule you came up with after your first real argument, and now you feel bad.
Shit.
The coffee is to make up for it. At least a little. To say, I'm sorry I didn't reach out, here's me doing that now.
"Morning," you whispered when you saw him stir and open a squinty, confused eye.
You didn't wait for a reply. Just left the coffee there and walked back to go and make yourself one too.
Joe watched you leave and the moon came crashing down.
He knows what the coffee means.
He's read your messages, can hear you make breakfast in his kitchen and decides he needs to reach out too. With his coffee in hand, he gets up and makes his way over to his living area where he finds you rubbing your fist into an eye through a yawn, with a carton of eggs in the other hand.
"Morning," he croaks, and sees how it's only just starting to get light outside, it's so early still.
It feels a little weird and embarrassing to speak to you right now. To remember how you'd been in this same room just a few hours ago, and he'd told you to fuck off.
Fuck off, he'd said. To his girlfriend. Had meant it with his whole chest too. What a fucking idiot.
You turn your head to give him a small smile that doesn't reach your eyes, and ask, "Do you want some eggs?"
The moon can die.
He doesn't want the moon.
The moon is too far from the sun. He wants you closer and happy and well-rested and for your smile to overtake your whole lovely beautiful face when you see him and he hasn't got the faintest clue where to even start to fix it.
He doesn't know how to turn all the feelings in his chest into words to convey how sorry he feels. Has no idea what to say. Has no idea how you'll react to a verbal apology either.
But you look so soft, shoulders slouched, the scrunched up bit of fabric that held your hair up and out of your face as you slept about to slip out. And, even though he can tell it's not a real smile, you're still giving him a kind face. You're being civil.
You've made him a coffee how he likes it and just offered to make him some eggs and, Jesus, he's just the most awful person ever, isn't he?
The overwhelming need to wrap himself around all of you takes over.
Joe leaves his coffee on the side and steps closer to attach himself to your back. You accept it, and he can feel how you let your head rest against the side of his as he hugs you, arms tight around your waist.
He's glad that you let him.
But he also feels the defeat there.
The, Joe what the fuck, that's waiting to slip out of your mouth. Maybe it's why you're keeping things surface level. No time or energy to get into an actual conversation right now. Just breakfast eggs and perfect coffee.
That's okay.
Joe doesn't know what to say anyway, and he'd love some eggs, actually.
"I'd love some, but," Joe kisses the side of your face, does it quick so he doesn't have to feel you pull away from it, and then gently moves you aside. "Let me."
A first attempt at fixing it.
Joe finishes breakfast whilst you go for the quickest shower of your life. When you turn the water off he asks what time you need to leave from the kitchen. His eyes find your coffee that's going cold, and he thinks it's so stupid that you have to be back at work so soon.
This time he doesn't feel sorry for himself, though. This time he feels sorry for you.
It's a big difference.
You've only just left the office, Joe thinks. And sure, sometimes he makes long hours and feels like he lives on set, but you're in an office.
He knows that's different.
Worse.
You've got to go and present all the things you've finished and he knows you like it just as much as he does. That being: not at all. There's no use in getting angry at you.
He sees that now.
You're just as much at fault for not being able to go out with him last night as he is. That being: not at all.
Joe watches you take a few hurried mouthfuls of egg on toast, and he wants to tell you sorry before you leave.
He doesn't.
Isn't sure how, and feels like a literal child because, Jesus Christ, they're just words.
But you smile at him, even though it's only small. And you let him kiss your cheek on your way out. And when you've left, it's not even eight o'clock, which is too fucking early, and he decides he needs to give you more quiet I love yous that he didn't give you under the covers in the night the way he should've done.
You get flowers delivered to the office that afternoon.
It's a large bunch, beautiful colours, and you can't lie; it absolutely makes you smile. You can tell it's expensive, and you know he's paid extra for the same day delivery, but... he didn't reach for you last night, and you didn't reach for him either, and whenever you think of Joe, that's all that comes to mind.
You'd seen him turn to stone.
So cold and careless.
Had seen in his face how he didn't give a single shit about how inconsiderate he was being.
A bunch of flowers isn't going to magically make that visual go away, but it's nice that he' tried's trying, and you try to hold onto that.
When you leave the office that day, you text Joe that you're headed to your own flat because there's food in your fridge that needs eating before it goes off, and your dishwasher is half filled with dirty dishes that have been in there for about a week already, so you kind of need to go turn it on, and there's probably also a load of laundry you could do, plus a quick pass of your floors with a vacuum, maybe.
Joe doesn't get to read it for a few hours. Busy day on set. When he eventually does, sort of annoyed that you had to wait for his coloured ticks again, he texts back, "Yours?"
And you text back so quickly, it makes his guilt grow.
"don't forget your key, im gonna lie down "
Perfect, Joe thinks. He'll sneak in and maybe get some of your shit sorted whilst you kip on your sofa.
But when he walks in, you're not on the sofa. You're already in bed, and that's sort of heartbreaking, because it's so early, and Joe finds the food that's about to go off uneaten in your fridge still. Finds the dishwasher still half filled, smelling rank, dirty dishes growing mould in there. He also sees the full hamper that needs sorting and washing, and, how had he even had the gall to assume that you could just make time for him at a moment's notice when you hadn't even been able to take care of any of this?
Joe starts the dishwasher.
Sorts your dirty laundry and starts a dark wash.
Cooks the food that's about to go off and places it in plastic tubs to have at another time.
Notices you've not taken the flowers that he had express delivered home and tries not let that affect him, but fails.
You're not sure what it is that wakes you. The beeping of the dishwasher, or the clanging of plates as Joe places the clean ones back into their cupboards. When Joe comes to find you, you're on your side, facing away from the door, but Joe can see you're awake by the light from your phone that silhouettes you.
"You're awake," Joe says, voice surprised, and it makes you turn to look over your shoulder.
"Hey," you say softly, and Joe's eyebrows knit together automatically at how sad you sound.
"Thanks for the flowers," you turn in bed to let Joe kiss you as he bends over to place a small one to your forehead. "They got delivered during my presentation."
"Was it embarrassing?" Joe asks, sitting down next to you, one arm either side of you as he leans over. Kisses you again, but on your mouth this time.
"Very. Vanessa just barged in with them."
"Did you like them?"
"Hmm," you nod and give a little smile. Joe's glad for it, but he feels there's a distance there still. You're keeping your hands to yourself, even though his bare arms are right there.
"I um," Joe starts, and wants to start listing all the things he's done. Wants to tell you how he's been sweet, and kind, like you were with him this morning, and he wants those things to be the silent I love yous he should've given you last night.
But then he changes his mind and says, "Did the, um... did the presentation go okay?"
You nod, because it did go really well, actually. Thank fuck. But Joe doesn't ask any more questions about it, and he seems to hesitate to even speak at all. Seems to want to say something that he's clearly not saying. Afraid to say the wrong thing, maybe. You wonder if there's a sincere I'm sorry hiding in there somewhere.
"You seem tired..." he skirts around the issue, and it's disappointing, but not surprising.
"I am tired."
Then Joe looks at the empty space in your bed for a moment and gets up. Starts undressing. Leaves his clothes in a neat pile on your dresser and goes to brush his teeth.
When Joe looks at himself in the mirror, he frowns.
Fucking idiot.
Look at that coward.
He rests both hands on the sink, hangs into his shoulders, breathes through flared nostrils, and feels like a failure. You must think he is one too.
He didn't reach over last night.
With his toothbrush still in his mouth, he steps back into your bedroom and inhales a deep breath through his nose before he mumbles a barely audible and a very foamy, "I shouldn't have..."
He hears himself, grumbles low in this throat and turns on his heel, spits the toothpaste out and comes back.
Starts again.
"I shouldn't have said those things. Last night. I was being a dick, I shouldn't have done– well, anything, really. I was being mean just to be mean, I'm–"
"Joe," you interrupt, your voice soft.
You didn't reach out either.
"No," Joe argues, moves to sit back down next to you, arms back either side of you, hands pressing into the mattress. "You have nothing to be sorry for, I just," Joe sighs. Frowns. Doesn't know what to say.
What can he say to make you run a hand up one of his forearms?
"I didn't..." he tries once more, but falters again. Drops his head and knows he can't cry because he is not the person he's hurt.
He didn't reach over last night.
"Hey. I didn't either."
You read between the lines, even though your vision goes blurry with tears. You can hear the words Joe isn't saying and can read the thoughts he's not communicating. Joe's face always tells you a million things. You wonder if he's aware how easy he is to read.
You also wonder if he's aware that it's not going to be enough.
Joe swipes a thumb across your temple, close to your eye, and catches a tear that was about to slide into your hair.
He swallows thickly. Tries to swallow down whatever's hurting his throat.
"I don't want to live on the moon..." he then mutters, regretting how he set the world on fire. He wants to live on planet earth, even though it's all grey and black ashes now. He'll plant flowers there. Will feed them water, and will politely ask the sun let them grow.
Will ask you.
You're the sun.
You get to decide.
You don't fully understand what Joe means, because it sounds ridiculous, actors and their theatrics, but you tell him you don't want to live on the moon either and he huffs a laugh at how absurd that sounds coming from your straight face that's pretending it's not actively crying.
You're the sun.
Of course you don't want to live on the moon, silly.
"Your priority–" you start, breath hitching, but Joe is quick to interrupt.
"You. You. Us. I'm... it's us. I promise, it's us..." Joe sighs again, seemingly upset at remembering his own behaviour.
"Saying that is easy, though," you start, finally letting your fingers slowly wrap around one of his arms.
A touch.
It's enough to make Joe's whole face crumble.
He ducks down. Lets his arms find your shoulders to pull you up a little so he can hug you properly, both arms wrapped tightly around your frame, his face hidden into your neck, and you know Joe's only crying because of your fingertips touching his wrist. The smallest things can get him sometimes – so dramatic.
But you continue, "I believe that you believe that your priority is us, but when you're stomping around your kitchen, blaming me for shit I have no controll over, telling me that it's my fault that I–"
"No," Joe mumbles into your skin, and pulls back just enough to press his forehead against yours. "No."
And you give his forehead a slight push with yours and you want to say, yes.
Yes that's what you were doing.
Yes that's what happened.
Yes you got caught up in all of your own feelings and forgot that I have a whole set of my own.
But then Joe whispers, "I'm sorry." and you can't help but go absolutely lax in his hold.
"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have. I love you, I'm sorry." he whispers his apologies against your mouth through heavy breaths because he's doing his best to not cry, but he's failing, because then he feels you shake with a sob, and, fuck that, he'll banish himself to the moon, actually.
He'll live up there no matter how miserable it is, and he'll take whatever sunlight he can get, and he'll be thankful for the rays you'll allow to even reach him at all.
"You didn't t-touch–" you stutter, and immediately feel Joe squeeze you tighter.
"I'm sorry, I love you. I'm so sorry." Joe whispers right into your ear. Keeps repeating it, over and over and over.
Your one rule.
He should've never broken it.
It's good to hear the words, the I'm sorrys tumbling over his lips, and you'll accept them for now. But actions speak louder than words, and you know that there will probably be a time where the way the world treats Joe will make his head grow to twice its size again. He'll do and say similar shit. Won't want to meet you halfway, but will demand that you make the trek all the way over to him, won't care what the ground will look like, and won't care if you're wearing shoes for it or not.
Joe doesn't know it right now, but you can see into the future and know it will happen again.
And when it does, you'll grow a little colder.
Let some of your rays die out.
"Here. Lay back." Joe says after holding you for a while, and when your head finds your pillow again, Joe curls around and uses every body part of his to touch yours under the covers.
Every inch of skin touching yours is a big fat quiet I love you that he'll repeatedly tell you all night. He's not gonna let go.
He knows he's on the moon still. Up there, all alone. Cold. In the dark.
He said he's sorry, but knows it's not enough.
Wants off, but is smart enough to not set foot somewhere he's not allowed yet.
He has said that he's sorry, and now he needs to wait for the sun.
Wait for you.
And he'll touch you under the covers until you're ready.
Whispers the promises into your hair as you fall asleep.
You get to decide.
He'll let the sun decide.
---
The Taglisted
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add yourself
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thegoldencontracts · 5 months ago
Text
What Do You Want?
Summary: You try to approach Azul with an offer. His response is- odd, to say the least.
Notes: My heart wants fluff to make up for the angst yesterday... im sorry T_T
The moment you'd first seen Azul, you thought he was pretty. Then, you started noticing other little cool things about him. And before you knew it, you had a crush.
"You're- so stupid!" Ace said with a laugh. "You actually think Azul Ashengrotto would ever like anyone? Best outcome is, he tries to scam you but you barely manage to win."
"I've got a point-card!" You said cheerily. "And I've made a rough outline of what I want my contract to look like."
The 'outline' was only one sentence, but Ace didn't need to know that.
At that moment, though, Ace's eyes widened.
"You're actually gonna do it?" He said, the grin fading from his face.
"Yeah," you said. You were going to try and make a contract with him, see what happened. Maybe it wouldn't work out. But hey, you'd never know if you didn't try!
Besides, you had a plan. And that plan was what brought you to the VIP room, a golden point card in hand.
"Ah, what a pleasant surprise it is to see you here!" Azul said with a salesman's grin that somehow still looked cute. "I was under the impression you couldn't afford point-cards."
You laughed.
"It's lovely what happens when you make people compensate you for your labor," you said. And it was true. Telling people you'd do something for a free meal at the Lounge got you point cards and food witthout any complaints. For some reason, people were more willing to do that than give you the money straight-up, even if the expensive meals usually meant they'd have to pay more. Whatever.
"Oh," Azul said, before quickly changing the topic. "So what exactly is your desire?"
You smirked.
"Azul," you said. "Considering the ranking of the Golden card, that means you have to accept any contract I propose, so long as it doesn't pose direct harm to your mental or physical wellbeing in some way, shape, or form, correct?"
Azul's brows furrowed in confusion.
"Correct, however, you're forgetting-"
"The impact limit, yes," you said. "If the wish in question requires maiming, killing, or mentally scarring any individual, whether or not you agree to grant it becomes a decision entirely at your discretion."
At this point, Azul was looking at you like you'd grown two heads.
"Your point is...?" He asked.
"I won't have to make any other payment for my wish then, correct?" You said. You knew how these exchanges worked, and you did not want to get scammed.
Azul bit his lip.
"Fine, fine, you 'win', I suppose. Just- tell me what exactly it is you desire," he said.
You smiled, handing him a piece of paper with the draft of your contract on it. Azul's eyes widened in shock at its contents.
'Be my friend!' it said.
"Sooooo, what do you think?" You asked.
Azul shot you a glare. Harsh.
"What do you want?"
"I already told you- well, wrote to you, I guess, but-"
"No," Azul said, voice dangerously level. "What do you truly want?"
"Be my friend!" You said, flashing him a thumbs up. But Azul was still angry. Did he just hate you or something?
"I don't appreciate such juvenile attempts at mockery," he said. "If you have no true wish to make, then I shall have you escorted out."
You sighed. Seriously, this was getting annoying. Did he want to avoid you that badly?
"Look," you said. "I already laid it all out - you should try being my friend! And if you don't like it, then you stop! Simple as that, right?"
Azul scoffed.
"That's preposterous," he said. "No one would ever want such a thing-"
"Well, I want it," you said, before sighing. "Look, is it really that big of a deal?"
At that, Azul seemed to malfunction, like he couldn't possibly comprehend what you were saying. That was weird. Why wasn't he happy? Wasn't he going to try and scam you or something?
At long last, Azul shook away the red dusting his cheeks, handing you a pamphlet.
"Take this for now," he said. It was a study guide for Alchemy. "And keep the point card. I'll continue my inquiry tomorrow during lunch, so prepare yourself. Now then, leave."
"Great! See you tomorrow lunch then, Azul."
You took the study guide and headed for the exit. The study guide was pretty good, actually. And there was that little chibi doodle with hearts around it - you didn't know where it came from, but it kind of reminded you of yourself!
So, hey, it seemed like things were going pretty well.
Meanwhile, Azul was in a panic.
"The Prefect's caught on, I'm certain of it!" He said to Floyd and Jade, furiously flipping through his book of contingency plans for any type of social situation gone wrong. "Why else would such an odd request be made of me?"
Floyd rolled his eyes.
"Cause Shrimpy wanted to be your friend?" He said.
"No one would ever desire such a thing!" Azul said. "The Prefect's found out about that foolish little crush of mine, and decided to make a fool out of me. There's no other explanation!"
It was a sensible explanation, wasn't it? Common, too. It had happened to Azul all the time back then. He simply had to make sure he didn't slip, that he established consequences for all those who attempted to mess with him now.
His thoughts were cut off by the sound of Jade's laughter.
"What seems to be the matter, Jade? Do enlighten me," Azul asked dryly.
"You made an error in your panicked frenzy with the Prefect, that's all," Jade said. "The study guide you gave was the one with the doodles."
Azul felt his mouth go dry.
"W-What?"
"The one filled with countless doodles of your little crush, surrounded by hearts."
O-Of all the study guides, why that one?
Seven, how he wished to crawl into an octopus pot right now. But for now, all he could settle for was burying his face in his hands, left alone with his thoughts as he tuned Jade and Floyd out entirely.
He hadn't believed it, but- what if you were being sincere? What if you truly did want to grow closer to him? Yes, it was true that such a thing had never occurred in the past, meaning an analysis of past trends would seem such a thing impossible, and this sort of trick had been played on him countless times before but-
You seemed oddly sincere about it. And, frankly, he wanted you to be.
Azul couldn't help but sigh. Though it would likely cause him problems later, for now, he couldn't help but let himself hope.
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inbabylontheywept · 4 months ago
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xc lends itself to stories well because it has all the weird overlapping insanities of group dynamics and hypoxia and Male Bonding and definitely a little bit of masochism.
and for my second xc story in like a week, we used to do this run down to the local public pool in the summers of hs because the temp was like, 110-115. fucking bastard heat. and this one girl had The Audacity to wear this extremely normal and fine two piece swimsuit that showed approximately a half inch of waist and a bellybutton. this of course was a mortal insult to one particular group of mormons who were so scandalized that they talked to the coach who in turn talked to the group about how Someone Wore a Two Piece Swimsuit and it made Some People very uncomfortable and that the dress code was now one piece swimsuits. and of course the poor girl was absolutely mortified.
now, the varsity were actually really good people in general, but one of them, who i shall name RJ, was just awesome. that sonofabitch could run like a 14:00 5k, but he still had this big ol potbelly, and he was the only person i knew who didnt get nauseous after running. the absolute brainfuck of running in the 110 degree heat along the canals, just struggling to breathe, and then getting smoked by this potbelled toothpick eating a bag of flaming hot cheetoes is just hard to understate. hed go up into the stands during track and buy hotdogs. just a legend. fuck that guy, but you know, in the way where im really just jealous of him.
anyway, RJ took genuine offense to this girl being called out for her totally normal swimsuit so when the next public pool run came around he showed up in a speedo. and it was the xc hivemind thing, where we all knew if we could just, somehow, keep the coach from noticing this guy until we actually pulled out and started running down the block, we were golden. so me and a bunch of other guys gathered around him like the secret service, and we did our stretches, got ready and left, and then RJ, being the beautiful majestic man muffin that he is, popped his shirt off, ran directly to the front of the mormon group, and proceeded to give himself the most brutal wedgie i can describe. practically stretched the speedo over his shoulders. you couldnt get a clearer vision of this mans ass with the hubble telescope.
so the mormon group tried to pass him, which was like stupid of them - nobody passed RJ unless they were willing to piss blood. they tried, they tried so hard to get around him and avoid the blaring eyewatering burn of this mans ghost white ass, but it didnt work, so they tried slowing down which is also something RJ could do indefinitely so eventaully they just kind of gave up and tried not to notice the extremely noticable hairy white butt camped in front of them for the entire three mile run to the pool.
the coach did notice about halfway through the run, but by then there wasnt much he could do. we argued very eloquently between panting and coughing and generally suffering that a speedo is, in fact, a one piece swimsuit, and thus the letter of the law had been fulfilled. id say, i dunno, maybe a hundred of us argued the case.
surprisingly, there was no follow up conversation banning speedos. RJs disapproval of the ban wouldve been enough, but the speedo underlined it in red a few times and at the next run to the pool, several other girls wore tankinis and nobody said shit.
(RJ told me if they had, the next run to the pool wouldve just been him winnie-the-poohing it, and i almost dont doubt it.)
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scaranation · 2 years ago
Note
Hiii saw you had requests open and I wanted to offer some of my Scaramouche brain rot cuz man this guy makes me soft.
Scara being a touch-starved bean that when their s/o first held his face gently he legitimately just sobbed and couldn't stop himself from letting some tears out.
Scara then just not being able to function without their s/o giving him soft kisses on their forehead and being patient and loving towards him and looking like an angry wet cat whenever they are missing or off doing something where he can't follow like he'd like for too long.
Scara grumpily just kinda adopting a pillow of choice as their cuddle buddy for the time apart or if their s/o simply just doesn't live with him (yet). Maybe even stealing a sweatshirt to keep close or wear it if it fits. Just something to be comforted for the time being.
Just Scara getting pampered and loved and him just getting so overwhelmed with happy feels that he doesn't know what to do with himself.
(sorry for the long ask I just really like soft Scara he deserves to be cuddled :') do what you will with the brain rot I just wanted to share, love your work! Please don't overwork yourself! ^^)
THIS IS SO ADORABLE OMG I LITERALLY HAVE NOTHING TO ADD ITS PERFECT 😭 how do u think like this touch-starved scara is the cutest thing im actually squealing rnnn (sorry for the v late response i got busy ahahah)
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༊*·˚ 𝐌𝐀𝐘 𝐈 𝐇𝐀𝐕𝐄 𝐘𝐎𝐔𝐑 𝐀𝐅𝐅𝐄𝐂𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍, 𝐏𝐋𝐄𝐀𝐒𝐄?
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Pairing: Scaramouche x GN!reader
Content: fluff, head cannons, slightly ooc but it’s clingy scara 🥺
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The first time you held Scaramouche's face, you thought he hated it. His face contorted beneath your touch, and you retracted your hands - but his face followed them, his cheeks firmly pressing back into your palms.
You'd stare at him curiously as his eyes crinkled shut, mouth falling agape when tears began to slide down his cheeks. Cautiously, you’d thumb them away, feeling the smooth planes of his face crinkle as he squinted at you through his blurred vision. He was definitely embarrassed, but he couldn’t refuse your touch - it was a form of affection he’d never gotten to experience, and his sobs were almost ones of relief at finally finding someone who’d give him the love he craved.
Once he discovered the idea of physical affection, he couldn’t go without it. He liked to be touching you at all times, and would not-so-subtly sulk whenever you were too busy to give him those fluttering pecks on his face. Scaramouche would shyly put up a display of nonchalance as he pretended not to care, only finding himself somehow in your lap again. It was endearing, how touch starved he was - always craving your attention.
If you dared to go somewhere without him, he’d practically be pacing around during your absence, worrying and fuming at you for leaving him behind. Once you got back, you could’ve sworn he had his tail between his legs, invisible ears drooping as he reluctantly eased back into your embrace. Don’t get him wrong - he’s still mad, but he’s willing to forgive you for a kiss. He wouldn’t let you go for the next day at least, so don’t think about leaving him alone like that anytime soon!
When you were - much to Scaramouche’s ire - busy, he sought comfort through ways that didn’t involve clinging to you and hence risking you avoiding him for the rest of the day out of irritation. You were so tender and patient towards him, but all people had a limit. Scaramouche would sulk as he wallowed in self pity, holding himself close to one of your pillows. Sometimes, he’d take a nap on it, imagining that you were dreaming together - something about him resting his head where you’d rested yours was inherently comforting to him. If you caught him during those naps, he’d angrily leap up in embarrassment and scurry away. His heart would stutter as he fumbled on the spot when you went to search for him, holding him close again as you whispered reassurances into his ear.
“Don’t worry about it, Scara.”
“You’re laughing at me.”
“No, I’m not.”
“You are!”
That was your cue to peck his lips as he froze up, overwhelmed. The poor thing’s barely come to terms with you being his, and reciprocation of that touch he needed made his whole brain judder to a stop. He was so adorable like this, utterly at a loss for what to do. Slowly, he’d kiss you back, wrapping his arms around your waist to keep you close.
Scaramouche would steal any sweaters you made the mistake of leaving unattended - that woolly jumper you left on the couch? It’s gone the next day, added to your lover’s private collection. He’d return them after a while if your scent had faded, acting as though he wasn’t the culprit behind all your missing items of clothing.
At night, Scaramouche wouldn’t be able to sleep without you at his side. Even in the almost unbearable heat of summer, he’d have you entangled in his arms in an unrelenting grip. If you tried to wriggle away, he’d only whine in annoyance and clutch you closer, wriggling to position his face in your neck. Getting up to fetch a glass of water wasn’t an option, either - the vice grip he had on your wrist was enough of a warning. Even if you managed to escape that, you’d find him beside you at the kitchen in an instant. He’d groggily tug at your wrist to lead you back to bed, irritated at the interruption. Why did you need anything else, when you had him? He’d let out a sleepy huff, settling back down on the mattress with you (rightfully) returned to where you should be - next to him.
Although he might act shrewd, Scaramouche loses all rationality when it comes to you. If you’re not in his arms, you’re on his mind, and he wasn’t intending to let you go. Despite this, he’s still so easily flustered - although thankfully, he no longer defaults to crying whenever he’s overwhelmed with happiness. He’d be willing to begrudgingly share all his vulnerabilities with you, slowly opening up. Don’t tease him about it, though - he’s still prone to hissing at you, but he can’t really get mad at you.
After all, you’re the only one who can make him feel this loved.
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flashypunches · 4 months ago
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( REUPLOAD I ACCIDENTALLY DELETED IT im so sorry )
You're someone who's held great resentment for your godfather.
For your first meeting, for his ego, for his murderous intent towards your father.
For his failure to provide comfort or understanding when your parents refused you as a son, when your friends have left you as a corpse.
You suffer through long years, sticking with him through thick and thin, because he’s the only one like you, the only other Death refused to take.
( The daughter he made, the cousin you mourned, Dani, is gone. She will not return to either of you. It is always his fault. )
Because he’s all you have left. The only one who wouldn't refuse you.
He moves you to a city that matches your dreary state. Vigilantes take residence, closing in on crime. Closing in on your godfather.
Vlad leaves. He doesn’t take you with him.
He leaves you his wealth, a place in a school that makes you miss home, and an order to never speak to the ones who made him run– the Waynes.
He doesn’t return. Never properly. You make due with phone calls and brief visits every now and then. You don’t mind, you preferred this more than his haphazard attempts at providing companionship when it was too late.
Your schoolmates does not like you. That is okay, even if it leaves you longing for friends.
( Sam and Tucker are in Amity and will stay there until they die. They would never come and visit a corpse like you. Not when you desecrate their friend's body, parading it around, like you're him. They know who you really are. They've always known, they just couldn't see sense before. )
But you find someone who could be one.
He is prickly, rude, disliked less, but disliked nonetheless. But he is the only other person who does not care about your worn out shoes, for your scars, your clammy skin, all the things that made your parents refuse you as a son, as sentient— or about you coming in the middle of the school year.
You care not about his attitude, desperation clawing at your mind for any form of socialization not from Vlad or who he calls company.
You make quick work of befriending him, a shared rivalry for an annoying schoolmate pulling you close together.
You learn his interests, his pets, his family. You know his name but do not ask for it. Willful ignorance could be considered bliss. Just for a moment.
He lets you stay at his house for a night, though his siblings push the matter more enthusiastically. You do not see his father.
( “He’s on a business trip.” Daniel blinks, looking up at his friend.
“Who?” he asks, despite knowing there’s only one person that Damian could be referring to.
Damian tsked automatically, “My father, you imbecile. He will return in two weeks notice.”
Daniel thinks of his godfather, of his various excuses over the years to many people, including him. But instead of telling Damian the likely truth, that his father won’t return, never like how his best friend wants him too, an “Okay” comes out in place of it.
Let him bask in ignorance, Daniel tells himself, Let your friend have this. )
His father comes back. You don’t call Vlad when he forgets you. For all he wanted you as a son, now he never tries to treat you as such.
You continue the cycle of avoiding an empty house, of sleep-overs, of waiting for something to happen.
And something does. Your godfather comes back. He lies to you that he won’t leave again. He says that he will stay longer, that the family who tried to run him out won’t succeed again.
You do not think of your best friend. Why would he even care?
Your godfather treats you like he had before, when you still had your friends, your home. Like you are a misbehaving child, and him, the tired parent.
( Shouts of an argument ring from an dead manor, before being shut out to the upstairs.
Daniel slammed the door, not caring if Vlad had heard it or not. Ancients, he'd forgotten how much of an utter fruit-loop Vlad was. He gritted his teeth, rubbing the bruise left on his wrist by the man.
Why'd he expect anything different? Vlad was just going to be his usual nutty self, and go back to treating him like he was still some misguided kid, that he would just come around to playing nice with Vlad.
The wood of the door was smooth, most likely sanded down from any splinters by the past families who lived here. Daniel moved his fingers along the grooves, faintly remembering how he had done this before, when he was better. He bit his tongue, ignoring the bitter taste of ectoplasm it brought forth.
He hadn't thought of who he was before since he'd ran. He hadn't been this angry at Vlad since he ran. He hadn't felt so like himself after he ran.
Daniel would be lying if that thought didn't make him feel just a little bit better.
He let his head fall into his knees, back leaning against the wooden door, limbs sagging. He did not cry, because the Danny from the empty home did not do that. )
It irks you, but not like before. Maybe you were doing something right if he’s treating you like this now, treating you normally. Maybe you’re back to who you were before, before the rejection scarred you.
Damian notices the change in your personality, as you notice his change in costume. He is on the rooftops, in the streets, cloaked in muted colors, not unlike your own old costume, and his family knows your godfather is back.
When you come back to school after a week of Vlad trying to bond with you without success, Damian doesn’t say a word about your godfather.
You don’t either. What even is there to say?
“Oh, I know that you are investigating my godfather, and that you’re a vigilante, surprise!”
You would have been killed ages ago if that was your response.
Your friend does not invite you over anymore. You know why, understand why but it still stabs your core, in the way a butter knife does to wood. Dents it but does not cut.
You repeat the loop of boring conversation, of stilted companionship. You grow tired of it, as you always do.
Vlad's signature is easy to forge. You get to skip your classes under the guise of it being a family emergency.
( Damian is near the gate when he gets off the bus. Daniel's ratty sneakers are hitting the ground, as he walks over to him.
The weight of his backpack feels heavy, the evidence that Daniel had stuffed inside not helping his back. Damian twirls around at his steps, a scowl already on his lips.
Daniel smiles back, readjusts the straps on his shoulders. He whispers to Damian, uncaring of the fight currently breaking out in the front, the fight that Damian is watching, "I'm getting out of school today, wanna come with?"
His friend tears his eyes away from the brawl, looking intrigued at Daniel's offer.
Damian considers the chance. The thought of having to sit through another day of school with only Jon for mild company sickens him.
"I suppose I can, though if this is a trap Masters, then let it be known that—"
"Yeah, yeah, I get it, you in still?" Daniel flashes his (only) friend a cheesy grin, ignoring Damian's eye-roll at his theatrics.
"..Yes."
-
The route to the local park is quick, though slowed by the need to be away from the public's eyes, lest they be caught right away in their venture.
Daniel gasps in a breath, ancients, did he need to jog way more. Damian easily strides beside him, the only sign that he was showing off being the smug gleam in his green eyes. Bastard.
The papers, the records, the flash-drive, all weigh down his back. Vlad has definitely noticed them missing, and he most definitely knows who took them.
But Daniel didn't care, not right now, because right now, he was spending time with his bestest friend in the whole wide world, and he'll deal with Vlad later. )
You drag Damian over to a secluded bench, taking no mind to the mutations Poison Ivy has given the plants near. The backpack is emptied, and you guide your only friend to the path that leads to Vlad's destruction.
The dread fades away, the high of adrenaline taking its place, at the crimes left behind in pieces, put back together in a backpack, and let loose into the hands of your only friend.
It feels good, like something’s been taken off your shoulders. You know that Vlad has anticipated you telling someone about what he’s done. He’s still not leaving.
Your high is running down, as you start to beg Damian not to arrest him, lying to your only friend that Vlad is a better man, and doesn't deserve to rot in a cell. You know that when you take a separate route to your homes, that he’ll tell anyway.
You can’t bring yourself to care. Vlad’ll just weasel out of it, as he always does.
He knows what you did, doesn’t bring it up, with the only sign being a watchful eye whenever you’re back in his grasp.
You get invited to a gala by your friend. You accept, uncaring of Vlad's reaction.
Your friend gets held ransom. No one’s worried, no one feels anything but annoyance. You stay away, not wanting to feel your core straining to help, to protect.
The Bats swoop in to help. You ignore the envy at their luck at having a team of other heroes to depend on.
( Your friend ) The Waynes send people after your godfather. He tries to bribe his way out of the charges, out of the jail cell that cannot hold him. They leave with him in tow.
You start staying overnight at your friend’s house even more. Damian doesn’t say a word about it.
His father does. His siblings do.
They talk about adopting you, they fight about Vlad, about what they are meant to do with your godfather, and what to do with poor old Danny. You don’t listen in much. They remind you of your parents, just a little bit. It hurts.
Vlad is let go. False charges, apparently. You know he just bribed the judge and juries.
He wants to talk to you, intent on having a conversation that lasts more than five minutes without shouting and tears ending it.
I'm sorry for not being there, please, give me forgiveness, are the only things you remember from the conversation. You do not give him what he wants, but the conversation doesn't end in slammed doors and withheld tears.
You sleep under his roof for the first time in weeks, the most civil conversation you’ve ever been with him looping in your mind. You even wonder if he’ll let you go to your friend’s birthday party.
You don’t sleep at your friend’s house as much. There’s not much need to anymore.
You wake up one night, to hear the sounds of ectoblasts and footsteps. They are on the roof, and you know what they’re here for.
You go ghost, going up the roof, watching invisibly as Plasmius shoots at the vigilantes who yell about something. You stay like that for a moment. You almost decide to let him go.
He's the only one you have left, to leave him, to abandon him, is to leave the last person in your corner. That thought is the only reason why you lift your thermos up, capturing Vlad in one fell swoop, before he leaves too.
The vigilantes are not pleased, as the Bat barks out orders to find you. You can imagine Vlad is the same, fuming at your disrespect inside the can.
With Vlad in your thermos, the Bats on your tail, there is no hope in your mind of getting out of Gotham with everything you need.
Oh Danny, what are you going to do?
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reve-writes · 2 years ago
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—dense; kaz brekker.
ʚ kaz brekker x reader | grishaverse | 2,2k words. ʚ you're a bit clueless as to why the dirtyhands do the things he does, like call you schatje and pay you to steal something when he clearly doesn't need to. ʚ fluff. ʚ a/n maybe ooc kaz im sorry. more at the end!
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Ketterdam is a marvel from afar, a pretty little flower offering promises of its nectar—new life, new opportunities, debauchery—only to catch you in its trap and swallow you whole. All the way up on the clock tower, roughly centralised in the port city, the Barrel is nothing more than bright lights emanating from bar signs and glittering roofs.
The bell rings, reveberating to signal the change of the hour. It's time to work, finally.
Your boots thump as you make your way down the spiraling concrete staircase, paying attention not to step on the chunks flaking off of the edge. Whoever was responsible for building this was clearly cutting cost, the concrete is about as fragile as clay.
A painting. It is an annoying job to do on your own, but your contractor offered a lot of Kruge for it—perhaps too much, but if Mr. Kikkert is willing to scrape his pockets for it, then you're more than happy to accept. It is more Kruge than you would ever need for a while, so you won't have to scrounge for scraps in this Ghezen-forsaken town. Moreover, it's been a while since your last job and you're frankly not doing too well.
You step lightly over the rooftops, hopping from building-to-building with sure, steady steps. You have done this for most of your lives, to avoid being stomped into the vile muck at the bottom of the Barrel, you learned to hide near the skies.
Where the painting is being kept isn't far from the Canal, just on the rows of overpriced apartments for rent. You were told that it was housed on the third floor of the corner building. Everything is going well. Your journey is uninterrupted and the stadwatch aren't on alert.
Until you spot him.
The familiar curve of his black hat. The high collar of his coat. The shining leather of his gloves.
Brekker.
You strut towards him as if you are neighbours crossing paths on your evening walks. When in truth, his Crow Club is on the other side of the town and you never come to this area without reason. You call his name sweetly. His head whips around immediately, finding you in the dwindling foot traffic of the street.
He says your name in a warning tone, suspicious of your being here.
“What? Can't I come and see an old friend?”
Brekker scoffs. “I don't know. Can you, schatje?”
You almost turn around and leave when you hear the term of endearment. He knows it gets under your skin—it always does. Your heart skips a beat or two and your train of thoughts gets interrupted whenever he calls you that. He means it as a jeering nudge and your head is wholly aware of that. Your heart, though. What a fickle little thing.
“A bit of a walk from the club, isn't it?” you say, falling into step next to him as he turns the corner towards the apartment building. “I assume you must be up to something.”
“Ah, but I'm always up to something.”
“I can't say I disagree,” you snort. “You don't happen to have a job around the area, do you?”
He halts, his cane knocking against the stone pathing. He turns to look at you and your elbows brush against each other. “Do you need anything? I have important matters to attend to.”
You bring a hand to your chest exaggeratedly, feigning a frown. “How callous. Call me schatje and throw me aside. Is this how you treat everyone, Kaz?”
“Only you, mijn schatje.”
You roll your eyes, unsure how to behave. Huffing, you say, “Stop calling me that.”
“I was under the impression that you liked the nickname.”
Oh, you do.
“I'll be going now. I've something to do. Stay off my job,” you warn. “You still owe me literal crown jewels from last time.”
Kaz's neutral expression shifts into fond nostalgia as he recalls the incident you're referring to. The crown jewels in question were under dispute by a pair of soon-to-be divorcees. One of them hired the Crows' help. The other called on you. One thing led to another and the item ended up in Kaz's hands and you went home empty-handed.
“I won that fair and square,” Kaz retorts. “Your current job wouldn't involve a certain painting, would it?”
Judging by his smug thin smile, you know that he knows.
“Tell me it isn't what you're here for.” You sigh exasperatedly. “Stay off of it, Brekker. I can't afford to lose another job.”
You think to be threatening, bluff your way out and tell him you'll tear down his Crow Club if he gets in your way, but you doubt it will work against the Dirtyhands. After all, you're one person and he has the whole Dregs behind him.
He looks at you with a raised eyebrow for a moment and for that terrible moment, you think that he may be there for the same reason you are, but he shakes his head lightly. “Fortunately, schatje, no. Stop looking as if you're going to murder me in my sleep.”
An involuntary smile blooms. “I wouldn't dream of it, Kaz.”
“Go on, then,” he says. “Be careful.”
You bite the insides of your cheeks to keep from smiling. “You too.”
With that, you part ways with Dirtyhands, entering the building. Your acquisition of the painting goes smoothly and the deal is closed swiftly a few hours later. It's too easy. You know it is. You're missing something.
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Miss something, you did.
You push open the door to the Crow Club carelessly. The loud chatter mixed with atmospheric radio surges to meet you as you push your way past sweat-slicked bodies and drunken patrons. Your eyes dart back-and-forth, trying to spot the familiar curve of his black hat or the shiny glow of the head of his cane.
Jesper spots you from one of the open gambling tables.
“If it isn't my favourite thief,” he says, inclining his glass towards you. “Fancy a game?”
It isn't until you stop by his table that he sees the downward slope of your frown and the sharp glare you're giving. He instinctively sits up straighter, taking his shoes off of the corner of the table.
“Where's Brekker?” You ask, to-the-point, without indulging in your usual chit-chat whenever you visit.
The other three patrons on the table freeze—sensing the tension on your shoulders, too. They look between you and jesper, both confused and intrigued to know more. What is Ketterdam if it doesn't have rumours and secrets whispered about?
Jesper's brow furrow. “Are you okay? What's going on?”
To Jesper's knowledge, you and Kaz are on friendly terms, despite the frequent bickering. Hell, he assumes you're more-than-friendly, with the way Kaz gives you a nickname—an endearment, to be specific. Is it possible that you're going through a lover's spat?
“Brekker, Jesper. Where is he?”
A familiar rasp cuts through the rowdiness. “Here.”
Your head whirls around and you shoot an accusatory stare at the source of the voice. You stomp your boots as you make your way towards him. As you pass by him, you tug on the sleeves of his coat.
“We need to talk.”
“Hold on, schatje,” he says, still trailing after you. His cane knocks against the hardwood of the floor. “About what?”
You make your way up the stairs, to the second floor and swing the door to his office open as if it belongs to you. He has an eyebrow raised when he enters after you, closing the door behind him. He leans back against it, waiting for you to speak whatever it is that's on your mind.
“Kikkert,” you snarl. “You paid him to pay me.”
“That's quite a conclusion. How did you come to it?” His voice is level, not betraying whether or not you've spoken the truth.
You're pacing in front of him. “He says, and I quote, ‘If you're so close to Brekker, why doesn't he ask you himself to do this?'”
His eyes furrow and he runs a hand through his combed hair. He sighs, holding a hand up in a you-caught-me gesture. “Kikkert clearly has no idea what discretion means.”
You glare at him. “Do you think this is funny?”
He seems taken aback. “I don't see why this is a big deal, schatje. It's a job. You're paid. I get the painting. What's wrong with it?”
“Why are you doing this, then? Pay me for something you clearly are able to do yourself? Hell, whose painting was it? Was it yours? Did you pay me to steal from you?”
He doesn't reply, but the way he shifts his gaze away from you let's you know. It's as clear as a verbal admission.
“It was yours. That's why you were there. From your safehouse, wasn't it?” You stare at him in disbelief. “Is this amusing to you? I'm sorry if I don't quite see it as such.”
“Schatje—”
“I told you to stop calling me that.”
You can't wrap your head around Kaz Brekker's thinking process. He pays someone to pay you to steal a painting he already owns. What's his plan in the long run? To embarrass you? Hurt your pride? Is this some sort of ploy to rope you to be indebted to him?
He sighes. “You were struggling. I only wanted to help.”
“Dirtyhands doesn't help people. You don't run gangs the way you do charities,” you retort.
Is that all you see him as? The demjin? The one who's willing to stain his hands for the right price? Is there no other version of him in your eyes?
“You're forgetting the man behind the monster here,” he says softly.
“Am I?” You approach him, leaving a little over two steps in-between the two of you. “Who exactly is the man behind Dirtyhands then?”
He pushes himself off of the door, taking one step forward. The thump of his cane practically echoes in the room. The hustle bustle of the Crow Club is nothing more than a muffled sound. There's a sudden tension in the air—the same one that hangs over you whenever he calls you his schatje, but this one is heavier due to your lack of light-hearted banter to parry.
“Do you really not know?” he asks, as if the question is staring at you in the face. As if it's the most obvious thing in all of Kerch. His stare is heavy, dark irises acting like magnets that pull you in. He scoffs, “You really are dense.”
“Well, enlighten me, Brekker! None of this is making a lot of sense to me.” You let out a frustrated huff of breath. Your hands move wildly to stress your points. “You know what? Whatever it is, I don't want to know. Just — quit doing it. I'll never take another job from Kikkert. I'll stay away from your damned club and all your friends. I'll stay away from you. I'm a capable enough thief without your pity, Brekker. I don't need it. You can shove it up your—”
His gloved hand wraps around your wrist as it's flailing in the air. Your speech immediately comes to a halt and your eyes widen.
“You are impossible,” he says.
You snort. “And you aren't?”
“At the moment, no,” he retorts.
His stare is intense. It isn't until then that you realise you've taken a step forward during your rant, decreasing the perfectly amicable distance and turning it into a heart-thundering one.
“It wasn't pity,” he says. “You're capable, I have never doubted that, but even the most capable ones struggle sometimes. My intention is to help. Trust me on this. I know you're too prideful to accept any, so I paid Kikkert.”
“But why? Why bother?”
“Why?” He blinks, sighing loudly before continuing. “Why? Have you ever stopped and thought, for a moment, that I've been calling you schatje. Do you think that was out of pity?”
You bite the insides of your cheek and shake your head. “It was something else.”
“Has it ever crossed your mind that it's because —ghezen forbid— I may actually harbour fondness for you?”
You blink once, twice. Kaz thinks he much prefers breaking into the ice court than having this conversation right now. His hand trembles when he brings them to brush your cheekbone lightly. He lets out a relieved sigh when you don't pull back. Your hand wraps over his gloved one, the leather cold on your skin. You lean into the touch.
“I thought it was one-sided,” you say finally. “I'm quite fond of you, too, you know.”
“You do a horrible job of showing it.”
“Says you,” you argue. “Just—don't do it again. Let me handle my own problems, Kaz. I'll let you know if I need your help.”
He hums in agreement. “You'll let me know.”
“I will.”
The two of you jump apart abruptly when there's a loud knock.
“Boss?” Jesper's voice sounds muffled through the door. “Everything okay? I hope ___ hasn't murdered you yet.”
“I haven't,” you answer, half-chuckling. Turning to look at Kaz, you say, “It's funny how he doesn't assume you'll murder me instead.”
Kaz shrugs. “He knows I can't.”
You raise an eyebrow. “Can't or won't?”
“Both,” he answers. “Can we not talk about murdering each other after what just happened?”
Heat rushes to your cheeks. What just happened is you practically professing your little (well, maybe not-so-little) crush on him.
“So, is Kaz okay?” Jesper shouts again.
“Fine,” Kaz answers. “You can go back to your table.”
[ ]
i wanted to write something cute. schatje is taken from google and inspired from a kaz fic i read that used 'schatz' as a nickname. the plot is slightly ehhh? because it didn't really end the way i intended it to and i didn't proofread (when have i ever?). i was hoping to turn it into a two or three part series, but this is what we've ended up with & im quite happy with it. thank you for reading!
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syoounn · 7 months ago
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Locked away
Characters: Chuuya and PM! Dazai
PM! Dazai
A SADIST. You're totally fucked to be honest.. he really enjoy seeing you in pain (Then would feel guilty if he hurt you too much)
If you attempt to escape from him he easily find you and makes up some punishment you deserve cause you're trying to leave.
He would broke your legs or arms if you attempted to escape many times. Yet he enjoys watching you try to escape you look so cute and helpless he adored the way you make some plans to escape and once he got you again he loves the way you look scared and hopeless when he finds out about it.
But he actually cares about you tho.. he just want you to be his and yours. He finds comfort of just seeing you.. he often cuddle you or he snuggle up to you and giving you some sweet words. He's even willing to give you some things you like.. but why you keep escaping from him..?
Scenario
You've been planning to escape for a few days.. you want to get out.. just getting away from him makes you think that you're getting out from this hell life. Everyday you're suffering you feel so hurt everything hurts and you want to get it out of it.
Luckily.. your plan is working. You manage to get out from this room full of darkness.. (to where he keeps you and locked away)
you manage to memorize where things are located as well as Dazai to when he is coming back.
You have 10 minutes left to find a way to get out of this place, Before he goes to visit you. After a while... you manage to find a door and seeing there's a light coming out from it. You felt a relief sensation as you can't wait just to open this door and get out of this hellish place.
Before even you can open the door you feel someone suddenly hugged you from your back and whispered to you.
"Hmm.. Don't leave me..."
That voice.. it was Dazai. You felt scared and panicking at the same time. How did he get here.. you still have enough time before he goes visit to your room.. you even avoided all the cameras.. why... all your efforts just to not feel this pain again why it always coming back.
Suddenly you rushed to open the door as Dazai broke your arm that was about to open the door. You screamed in pain as tears coming out.. Dazai hugged you while he whisper some sweet yet cruel words to ears. While he was hugging you.. everything went slowly silent and dark.
Chuuya
Chuuya would never hurt you, he just want to protect you... he scared of losing you so he decided to keep you where you're safe and where he always sees you.
If he hurt you im sure he didn't mean it or it's for your sake.. to not escape from him again. Can't you just appreciate that he's keeping you away from all of this danger from outside world? What if you got hurt? What if someone tried to take you away from him? He's not gonna let it happened.
He would spoil you by giving things you likes and some things you enjoy but he would never allow you to go outside. Even no matter much you begged and saying things you that are reasonable... he would NEVER let you go out his sight.
He just want you to understand that he love you very much that he doesn't want you to get in danger since he works from a dangerous organization. Yet why're you denying he's love from you.
Scenario
You've been not eating and not getting up from bed.. Chuuya is worried.. he often makes you some foods you like and your favourites and even tries to cheer you up by giving you affection and gifts.. yet no avail.. you don't have any motivation to eat and enjoy things you like. He doesn't know what to do.. he's scared he can't lose you.. just not you.. he even begged for you just to eat.
After a few days.. it has been always like this.. as he decided to let you go outside just to make yourself come in sense again.
The two of you were at outside, It's been a while seeing a sunlight and people. Chuuya decided to take you on a date and of course it regain you some energy a bit... As you decided to talk to him to take you to the mall. He's hesitant to let you but he did it anyways just for you.
The two of you were just exploring the mall.. as you saw a large crowded people.. this is your chance to escape. You go along with many people as Chuuya completely lost you. He was panicking and calling your name as you kept walking and heading towards the exit of the mall.
You hide in the uncrowded place.. as you sigh.. finally you're free. Suddenly as you look around you saw Chuuya looking at you extremely pissed and mad. Fear suddenly rushed your body, he grabbed your wrist tightly and glaring at you.
"Don't you dare you dare do that me again"
He said coldly as he dragged you back to where you always belong and face some punishment. He would NEVER EVER let you go outside again.
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somehhuuuhh · 1 month ago
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Thinking about afterdeath lately for some reason tbh I don’t care for this ship but one of my friends think it’s cute ship which it is ٩(ˊᗜˋ*)و ♡
So um I made my own version of afterdeath because I don’t like the fanon afterdeath (okay that’s a lie it’s cute and wholesome I just don’t like how people see reaper as this flirty guy and Geno being a Tsudere which wayyyyyyy out of character for them which isn’t bad to do!!! I just want to see if afterdeath can actually work in there somewhat canon character)
More info below ฅ^•ﻌ•^ฅ
Okay so like Geno after trying and failing to convince sans for the past decade or two to eased their timeline and seeing that frisk is no longer useful (the only reason why he kept frisk alive is because he thought it will convince sans to help him to erase the timeline but that clearly didn’t work) he killed frisk and now he is truly isolated. He got more butter and angry. Sure Gaster will visit some time to time but he disappeared one day (hoping that if he leave Geno alone for awhile Geno will go to void with him willing because of the isolation) but Geno stand his ground.
Reaper what silly goose he is! He is mostly emotionless because of the reaping he has to do but he tries to comfort the people he reaps since death is already scary by itself. He tries his best to avoid his job because he actually hates it but if he avoids it too long weird things will happen like Geno. He’s not much of a talker but he does like to say puns. When he went to Geno save screen he was there because his brother, Papyrus told him he made an anomaly by not doing his job and forced him to go there. I don’t know how they will be like when they meet but Soon as he learn that Geno can’t die by his deadly touch he can’t stop patting him on the head because I feel like after so long that without touching living things (except the people in his au because mostly of them are gods) he’ll be touch starve and Geno of course we’ll be annoyed by this lol :p
If there’s any typo then uhhh sorry im not the best writer nor how to explain my thinking ( ..)
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jemmo · 13 days ago
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i finally caught up on let free the curse of taekwondo and im kinda shocked and speechless at how chillingly mature this show. i don’t quite know how to describe it, its just so… dead and empty, but in an incredibly purposeful way. the mood is so at odds with what it was pre-time skip, where joy and happiness seemed to prevail despite the looming heaviness of the situation. here, the entire feeling is heavy and lifeless, with only the memory of what once was and the lost promise of what could have been left to keep everything from falling into nothingness, which is rather ironic and those are the things dohoe doesn’t want to dwell on, which leads to the question of if not that, what? if he and juyoung can’t build from their old connection, if dohoe wants to start everything anew, how can he do that if even in the present he’s not willing to fully connect?
i just think this show has incredibly fascinating and thoughtful things to say about how trauma works. bc the actual thing is hardly ever talked about, but in every scene you can see its affects seeping out of every character. you feel it hanging dark and looming over everything, the weight of it, and it’s actually so hard to watch bc you know dohoe is not coping. no matter how much he wants to seem like he is, or believe himself he is, no matter how much he wants to believe moving away from his father, and then his father’s death and selling all his things will set him free from the hurt he feels, it won’t happen. that’s the thing with trauma- removing the person that caused it all doesn’t just magically make it go away. time and distance aren’t the simple solutions you want them to be. the feeling, the pain, it lingers and it’s ugly and horrid. and pushing it down and avoiding it can’t make that realisation that it won’t go away go away. you want dohoe to get better and feel better and you know that addressing all the things that have happened to him will help, but when it comes down to it, it feels impossible to ask someone to confront that pain, it feels mean and awful. and so what can juyeong do, when he knows facing these things will help, that they need to talk about it, but when he tries dohoe just pushes him away. if trying to help means he loses dohoe all over again, then what can he do?
and what makes this show even more interesting is that this trauma is shared. yes, dohoe took the brunt of it much more and for much longer, but this isn’t a situation where someone is comforting someone else who has their own trauma they don’t know about, or can’t know about or understand bc they didn’t experience it. not only was juyeong there, but he experienced it too. and i could talk for hours about how interesting it is to see their different responses to that trauma, i just need to talk now about how much heavier all their silences and moments together feel bc you know they went through it together. they experienced the highest highs and lowest lows together and put like that, you’d expect it to be something that brought them together, which it did, in the moment. but now years later it just hangs heavy and unsaid between them, and it makes dohoe treating juyeong like a stranger so weird and hard to watch bc you know they know each other pain and joy so intimately. it makes it both laughable and insufferable to watch juyeong be jealous of hyeonho for knowing dohoe better bc all juyeong can value now is those small trivial details, bc the way he understood dohoe previously is not just lost, but it’s not something dohoe wants to think about. their connection is so rooted and so connected to their trauma that by avoiding it, it makes it impossible for them to connect again and that is just so hard to watch.
and i just need to mention finally the intimate scene in ep 6 bc my god the parallels made me sob. i don’t think ive ever seen a more poignant and affecting depiction of innocence lost than that, bc it works on both a more literal and metaphorical level. literally, we are seeing them be intimate for the first time and all the innocent excitement of that experience and seeing that paralleled to the present where there is none of that excitement bc they have done this before. and it more metaphorically shows even better that they aren’t able to reconnect, aren’t able to start again bc in that moment they can’t recapture that feeling of innocent excitement. it doesn’t feel like the first time over again, which it should if they were truly able to start fresh and connect anew. but they can’t, and instead in the present, you can feel the emptiness of it, only made worse when paralleled against an experience that is so full of emotion. you see them lying side by side afterwards, before facing each other, smiling and shy, and now, distant, not looking at each other, as if they weren’t even next to each other, and as if nothing even happened. you feel every way that moment is lacking, and it’s so stark and awful bc you have just been reminded of what has been lost.
i think this show has just sent me into a spiral of pain, but the worst kind of pain, a numb pain. but you know what hwang daseul, i love it.
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