#things are happening but I had a horrible creative slump right before falling sick so that kinda sucks

[sableeira]

catching covid after my 3 year no-covid streak feels kinda bad ngl

[pochapal]

rank every year of the 2010s from best to worst i want some pochapal lore

[warning for discussion of my fucked up mental health and my myriad traumas. we’re really opening the pandora’s box here gang]

ok time for me to overshare on the internet again! super long post because i can’t shut up and you asked for it. anyway, by objective ranking: 

#1: 2012 - halcyon era, my personal peak. spent the whole year writing hunger games oc fics with my deviantart fanfiction besties whom i still think about all the time and always hope are having the best possible day. if you were here for this era understand i still hold you so closely and dearly in my heart <3. 

#2: 2013 - god i was such a good example of a human being back then. was the year my writing like actually took off and i had a healthy balance between creative stuff and a social life (said social life consisting of spending lunchtimes at school breaking into classrooms and discussing fandom shit with five other people. reading homestuck updates in the music room on one person’s really shaky mobile data...legendary). highlight of the year and maybe my life was in the april of 2013 when i got out of failing to submit a hard deadline essay by telling my english teacher i wrote a whole novel over the two week break and then producing said novel. god i wish i had that level of like. fucking confidence back me back then knew what i wanted and how to get it. 

#3: 2010 - the last year of childhood. i was 12 and played pokemon all the time with my friends and went places and had a moderately successful youtube channel and it didn’t matter that i was bullied so badly at school because i was basically high off life. summer of 2010 was so good specifically. i’d used to get the bus with a friend and go see movies and break into historical sites and get into normal childhood mayhem and maxed out my pokewalkers twice a month and i was buzzed because i had two (2) whole friendship groups to choose from and that was such a huge deal to me the terminal social outcast. it was so simple and carefree and even though everything and everyone involved in this era grew up to suck except for one specific person i kinda really miss it.

#4: 2018 - this was the first year i wasn’t depressed to the point of nonfunctioning. it was 20gayteen, i was on antidepressants, i was as close to thriving as i got at uni (going into town with people once a week, attending art and culture events, getting good grades across the board), i started to write for fun again, i got my cat whom i love dearly, i was exhibited in my uni’s city’s literature festival, GOD i actually nearly attended a pride event that year can you imagine. this year was basically my life’s second peak. miss getting the 8am train and daintily sipping on a cherry coke to keep me from passing out. wish this time could have lasted longer.

#5: 2019 - kinda absolute middle of the road year not for lack of anything happening but because the overwhelming amount of good and bad things cancelled each other out. so like there’s the fact that i was at the top of my uni game this year, was basically making the first steps into a professional writing career (covid i will never forgive you for killing all that dead </3), finally saved up enough to buy myself a gaming pc, and the summer after the homestuck epilogues, but equally 2019 was the start of the Pochapal Gender Fiasco which is by far the most horrible thing i am still currently undergoing and i burnt myself out mentally about halfway through the year (being stuck overnight in a hospital for a panic attack absolutely horrible horrible irredeemable) and then got like super death plague flu that i was sick with for three months (literally recovered less than a month before rona hit. god’s cruel karma.). so like...it kind of averaged out? the good shit was good but not as great as other years and the bad shit was awful but nowhere near as terrible as it could have been. gotta give a shoutout to 90% of my current mutual cohort for following me in 2019...omelette route gang make some noise !!

#6: 2014 - oof. this year essentially marked the start of a four year long downward mental health spiral because everything fell into awful alignment. i’d just turned 16, finished secondary school, had all my friends up and ditch me at once, was home alone for a whole summer, and was hit with Sudden Intense Body Image Issues that i couldn’t explain until uh. after very recent developments lmao. this one goes out to the me of july 2014 who did nothing but lay in bed and listen to the same two marina albums on a loop because fuck i’m attracted to men and also my facial and body hair are really starting to come in and if i think about this for too long i will literally kill myself because oh god i can’t handle getting older which is clearly and definitely the issue going on here. my brain fucking broke super hardcore and it’s a miracle that an overeating disorder was like the worst thing i walked away with. 

#7: 2015 - downward spiral year two!! i was so volatile this year it was such a mess. i was totally socially isolated after a brief stint of falling in with a group of people at the start of my first year of sixth form until january where in quick succession a) it turned out every single one of these people was friends with the person who sexually assaulted me whom i obviously had a lot of complicated feelings towards and b) baby’s first crush came out as bisexual but in the “women and also trans women” kind of way which tore me up so terribly in ways i couldn’t begin to understand. no words for the experience of seeing a girl kiss a boy and crying so hard at night you threw up because you could never be her no matter how much you wanted it. actually kinda get the sense what was going on there was bigger than just some crush lmao. then after that i was so mentally ill i basically attended school less than half the time and it was the only year in my life i failed my exams. i ended up having to resit my entire set of first year a level exams because jesus christ was i in such a bad way it was a miracle i even showed up to them. all i did was either have anxiety attacks or enter bedbound depressive slumps for weeks at a time. but it’s okay because it gets worse.

#8: 2016 - downward spiral act iii: the spiralling. prefacing this by saying that i actually had two whole good months (april - may) in that i was functioning enough to do my exams and finish school with decent grades. the rest was super extra mega terrible. my school attendance for year 13 dipped below 65% and literally the only thing that kept me from being kicked out was the fact that i was naturally smart at the subjects i took and also because the school would have a lot to answer for after letting me get to that state despite having a hefty file on how damaged i was. keep in mind every single part of this was fully untreated btw - i was just floundering around and letting it all fester. i spent three solid weeks going to school but locking myself in the bathroom all day every day and having mental health episodes then going home like nothing else happened only to continue the breakdown that night. then things got kicked into fucked up overdrive when i moved out to uni and was cut off from what little support structures i did have. it was so bad all i did was cry all the time and never went anywhere to the point where three separate sources recommended me to the wellbeing and crisis counselling service that i stopped going to after two sessions because i was fucked up in ways cbt techniques could not even touch. at least i tried to make an effort for the first two months of uni which like. good for me?

#9: 2017 - what lieth at the base of the spiral. helltrench year. i was at literal rock bottom. i stopped going to class, i didn’t hand in a single piece of work. i lied to my parents and would book trains each day only to go back to my student flat and sit there and contemplate suicide. like i would just slump on the floor in a catatonic state and vividly contemplate one of four or so ways i could end my own life. i only didn’t because i wanted to wait until the summer to collect my last student loan and transfer it to my parents as an apology for my death which obviously didn’t end up happening. honestly i can’t remember much of the first half of 2017 that’s how bad it was. i remember taking a gender studies class and the teacher made it Weird that i was the Only Male Student in the room and then she sent me a scolding email after i walked out halfway through a class and never returned. apparently i got into a lot of online discourse in this year but i don’t remember anything other than being put on a blocklist by the milkfic author over ace discourse which is funny if you have the context. mostly i just baited terfs and weirdo freaks to get them to say horrible things to me as what i guess amounts to some kind of digital self harm. anyway breaking point came in late august when i got kicked out of university and then nobody could ignore it any more so there was no choice left but for me to seek out help and recover enough to function which luckily i did. i really Do Not remember 2017. you could tell me anything about that year and i’d probably believe you.

#10: 2011 - extra circle of hell for this little fucked up gem of a year. on the surface it wasn’t actually that terrible, until the Summer 2011 Domino Effect Of Bad Shit. up until like may/june it was a pretty all right year! i was 13 and had a surprisingly successful youtube channel uploading pokemon soundfont remixes to an audience of i think ~350-400 subscribers at my peak? anyway then i got hit with the early summer triple combo of childhood friends moving away, cute and quirky sexual assault at the hands of a person in my friend group, and then having some Really Great and Super Appropriate interactions with adults on deviantart. like obviously there’s the actual ptsd-inducing event which totally disrupted and killed the person i was right up until that moment and reshaped every facet of my life for better or worse (there’s an alternate timeline where that didn’t happen and i got into electronic music and/or coding instead) but really it’s the events that followed in its wake which were kind of more fucked up. so like all of a sudden i was super aware of my body and me growing my hair out and being mistaken for a girl in class suddenly became this Less Innocent thing and i ended up spending hours overnight going to transgender questioning forums and looking up hrt timeline videos and having the wikipedia article on tracheal shaving saved because it was a life raft to me whose voice was imminently gonna deepen and i was simultaneously reeling with constant trauma flashbacks and the whole thing was so so fucked up. then i was on deviantart and i don’t remember exactly how but a small group of furry guys ten to fifteen years older than me started messaging me and encouraging and requesting me to produce nonsexual fetish stuff for them and talking to me about stuff like if i’d ever thought about growing up to be gay and i didn’t think anything of it for a long while because they called me a very talented writer and it felt so good to have someone be nice to me after being so alone and isolated for months on end. anyway the only reason i got out of that before it got bad was because they invited me to one of the big furry sites and i was weirded out because i thought it was a porn site and thinking about sexual stuff was a huge trauma trigger so i just ended up blocking them all and pretending like it didn’t happen. at the time half this shit didn’t bother me but in retrospect holy fuck 2011 was such a damaging year. to think if like three events didn’t happen i wouldn’t be the fucked up mess you see before you today.

god fuck this turned out super long but i’m not apologising because this was a therapeutic exercise for me and also constitutes as one of the biggest pochapal lore dumps of all time. come get your food or whatever.

[writings-of-a-hufflepuff]

What’s the Hero of Fereldan like you doing in a place like this?

Pairing: Varric Tethras x Naia Brosca, Past Alistair Theirin x Naia Brosca

Fandom: Dragon Age

Summary: Naia Brosca does not expect to meet the Viscount of Kirkwall in a dingy little tavern like the Hanged Man. She doesn't expect to have her sorrows soothed or have a free therapy session from him either. But, her life had always been anything but ordinary.

Rating: T

Notes: If you follow my main blog @hufflepuffing-all-day-long​ then you’ll probably know that I think Varric/Brosca would be a pretty sweet pair especially considering all the pain they go through.

Archiveofourown

“What’s the Hero of Fereldan like you, doing in a place like this?” It’s terrible, but he’s the first person to notice who she is in this dingy pub in Kirkwall and she knows exactly who he is too. Usually it would bother her, after all she was here to drown her sorrows, not be fawned over...not that that happened very often anymore. Most people seemed to ignore her, disliking the idea of either a dwarf being the one who stopped the Blight or the idea of a castless dwarf stopping the Blight or better yet, the idea of Wardens completely. Besides, after the whole inquisition, tears in the sky mess she wasn’t the hero in demand anymore...The Wardens hadn’t done so well out of that mess either. Naia Brosca officially considered herself retired from hero duties especially after finally finding a way to cure blight sickness and stop the wardens untimely demise due to the calling, and after returning to find the whole of her forces decimated. She was officially retired from fixing other people's messes whether those people be long dead magisters or warden commander Clarel. 

Aeducan, her Mabari, named after Paragon Aeducan for his stand against the Darkspawn, bounced about as Varric sat down beside her on a rickety wooden chair. The Mabari was as tall as the both of them when seated and didn’t settle until Naia gave him a strong look. He settled himself down at her feet, large paws resting beneath his head. She smiled down at him before turning to her new drinking companion. 

“I could say the same to you, Viscount of Kirkwall.” She softens it with a slight smile, she hasn’t smiled fully in years. Truth be told, becoming a Grey Warden had started as a dream come true, a way to get out of Dust Town, an escape from death, and simply ended as a nightmare. That’s what happens when you fall in love with someone above your station, take on more responsibility than any one person can handle, and become the go to person to fix everything. But, she at least had her faithful furry companion out of the whole mess and somehow her life. 

                                                                                                                            “Touché, but aren’t you supposed to be Commander of the Grey right now? Are you even allowed to be here?” He’s right of course, the last most people had heard she was the Hero of Ferelden, Commander of the Grey, sitting up in Amaranthine trying to recruit, rebuild, and fix whatever messes she was left to inherit. She’d told very few people about her movements over the last 2 years and most people had very little interest in what the Wardens were doing outside of a Blight. 

She leans back in her seat, legs crossed on a small stool, a hand reaching back to run through the dark hair that had grown unwieldy in her long hunt for a cure, a fix. To Varric she looked to be the picture of an exhausted hero, tankard in one hand, dark sullen circles beneath brown sad eyes, but always ready with daggers at her side. She’d grown used to watching her back for a quick knife in the dark or fireball. Although Aeducan was a very good guard dog.

“Well, while I was off trying to figure out how to save us all from the blight and the calling, someone got the brilliant” she says this with a twisted, sarcastic smile, nose scrunching in distaste, “idea to use blood magic to ‘save’ the Wardens and supposedly the world, and I came back to decimated forces and a whole load of nugshit to fix...blood magic…” She takes a deep drink from her tankard and raises her hand to gesture for another, gold already on the table, “They wanted me to rebuild, as if it was my responsibility to fix their mess again, to take up that mantle again. I said go fuck yourself and put someone else in charge...hopefully with better sense.” Naia Brosca had been royally pissed when she’d heard what had happened, when she’d returned to find out that Warden Commander Clarel had fucked it all up because she had no critical fucking thinking skills. It hadn’t been her plan to return to a decimated force, both physically and in reputation. Who would trust the Wardens now? They had gone from the heroes who saved the world, to the idiots who almost destroyed it. It was a headache of mess to fix and she’d had enough headache inducing messes for a lifetime. 

“Yeah, I kind of had a front row seat to that bullshittery at Adamant. Sorry.” Her eyes darted over to him, evaluating. There’s a genuine furrow to his brow and a look in his eyes that she knows well, a horrible reminiscence of a scene you never wanted to see.

“I joined the Grey Wardens because I won a Proving when I shouldn’t have even been fighting, because Duncan saved me. I became the Hero of Ferelden and Commander of the Grey because Alistair and I didn’t have a choice. I had a choice this time, I'm retired from commanding, from fixing other people’s messes. I’m too old for that.” She had never had the chance to do so many things; travel for pleasure, fall in love (again), marry, have kids, raise them better than her mother ever had, go exploring again, write a book or something. There were so many things that had slipped her notice in the 10 years she’d spent fixing other people’s messes. She was tired of her life catering around fixing other people’s fuck ups, it was about time they fixed their own problems. She wanted to have some of her life back.

“You don’t look a day over 25 to me, topsider”, Varric says it with a teasing smirk, one corner lifting up just so. It’s a look he’s perfected, she’s certain of that because for all her years she still feels the skin of her cheeks heating and her eyes darting away from his.

“Flatterer,” Naia rolls her eyes, she hasn’t been 25 for a while now, but he knows that she’s sure, “I doubt anyone would believe that I was only 24 during the Blight. A Dust Town 24, though.” Truthfully, being raised in Dust Town had given her years on her peers in other parts of Orzammar. She’d had to fight, scrounge, steal, all to feed herself, her sister and her drunken mother. She’d killed for the Carta, killed for her sister, all before she was 20. Maybe, if she’d been an Aeducan or had an actual caste she’d never have been able to do what she did. “10 years on and I feel like I’m 100. I’m old spiritually, Master Tethras, very, very old. 34 doesn’t feel like it used to.” 

“24? Seriously? You became Warden Commander, Hero of Ferelden, slayer of archdemons at 24? Fuck.” They fall into a contemplative silence. Truthfully, most people expected her to be older. It had made it hard to get respect especially when she became Warden Commander, at 24 half the recruits were older than her and getting them to listen had taken a lot of threats and reminders that she’d slayed an archdemon and could damn well kill them if they tested her. 

Varric can’t quite wrap his head around the fact she was so young, that she’d done what seemed impossible to him. At 24 he’d have run away from that sort of responsibility, he’d have high tailed it to the farthest place he could find. At 24 he wouldn’t have been a hero, but he’s learnt that some people are just made that way. Something in them calls for them to do the right thing. 

Naia can’t quite get over the exhaustion and sadness that had her seeking out the Hanged Man on her journey to investigate some Warden ruins. It’d all been that damned letters fault, opening old wounds, reminding her of things she’d chosen to forget, reminding her of how old she was and how little she’d really done for hself. It was still crumpled in her pack, royal seal, scruffy handwriting and all. 

Varric watches her, takes her in. The braids, typically Orzammar in style, pull her brown hair back from her face while leaving the rest loose, the brand on her cheek marks her as casteless, the down turn of her mouth, the slump of her shoulders remind him of how much she’s done in 34 years. It’s more than just retiring that’s brought her here, more than just a desire to get shitfaced after years of being in charge. There’s a story there that he doesn’t quite know yet. But, he wants to. He loves a good story...and he can’t help but be curious about the one Hero he’d not befriended. 

“What’s eating you up, Fereldan?” She chooses not to comment on the name, hoping he’ll pick something more creative in due course. He was a writer after all, though Swords and Shields hadn’t been his best work, so perhaps even prolific writers had their off days. Instead, she decides that she might as well open up to someone and who better to do it with than a fellow dwarf who she’d probably never see again, even if he was Viscount. What were the chances of her staying in Kirkwall? Of befriending Varric Tethras?

She takes a good long look at him, hard, calculating, before softening her gaze back to the tankard in front of her. The ale is bad, but she’s not really drinking for the taste tonight. “People think I was this hero, with a band of friends and that’s it. No big romance story there, no heartbreak, no betrayal...no nugshit politics getting in the way of things.” She takes a deep drink, this is a story no one had told because it would be shameful, not for her, but for him. “No one wants to tell the truth, that I had a lover in a man who I made a king...and then he didn’t need me anymore. Love is...I didn’t know what love was before I became a Grey Warden, but...it hurts, it hurts more than any battle wound, any fall I’ve taken, any joining ritual. It tears you apart...” Naia turns her head away from him to stare at a group not far away playing Wicked Grace, mostly to hide the tears that have started to collect in her eyes. She never talked about it. Not with Zevran or Leliana, Wynn, Sten, Oghren, Morrigan or Shale. None of them. She had too much to do at the time, didn’t allow herself to stop and ponder on it, but that meant she never truly got to heal. 

“Wait...you and Alistair Theirin? King of Ferelden? Shit...well, why aren’t you Queen, Topsider?” He can’t understand why she wouldn’t be. Surely, they’d welcome the Hero of Ferelden with open arms? Surely, if they’d been in love he’d have insisted as king..surely...but then Varric remembers that his stories are always a sugar coated version of reality. That his own experience with love has shown that things don’t work out the way you want them or need them to. Love doesn’t prevail, love doesn’t conquer all and the baker down the street with the simple, normal sort of love always does better than the Hero. 

“He couldn’t have a dwarf for a Queen, for a wife. I was told I could be a mistress, I could be there, in the background, loving him while he parades another on his arm and I refused to be hidden in the shadows like some seedy little secret. Like something dirty and unworthy. I had enough of the dark in Dust Town. I was the Hero of Ferelden and no matter how much I loved him I would not sacrifice my worth like that…” She remembers Dust Town like it was yesterday. Living off of scrapes, hidden away from everyone else because the Casteless were unworthy, a disgrace. She refused to be that girl again, hidden away for someone else's comfort and convenience. 

“I thought that maybe he’d fight for me. Fight to be with me. I would have. I would have done everything in my power to stay with him if I had that sort of position...but he didn’t. Duty, duty, duty. It’s my fault really,” She gives him a long sad look, brows turned down, “I was the one who made him king, I was the one who put him on the throne because I thought he’d be a good king...I was the one who made him think like that, made him put romantic notions aside. Maybe I should have been selfish…”

“So...why are you here?”

“Because I received a letter...royal seal, messy handwriting, pressed rose petals between the pages…” She pulls the crumpled note from her back, the rose petals fall on the table between them, the drying process removing some of their potent red colouring. He suspects there’s more to them than just being a romantic gesture, and can see it by the way she gently strokes one of them with a far off look that there’s some history there. “He’s gotten betrothed to some noble human woman who he barely even knows...I hate that she gets to marry him, that she gets to just because she’s human and noble, because she’s tall and her blood’s right. I was never enough even after the Blight. I slayed an archdemon, I saved Ferelden, I...I was never enough even after all that. What does a dwarf have to do, Varric Tethras?”

It pulls at his heart strings for a multitude of reasons; 1) he’s a romantic and always has been. He likes a happy ending, he likes the lovers to find happiness and be together, he doesn’t like heartbreak, 2) it’s one thing to be hurt because someone doesn’t love you anymore or never did, another thing entirely to know you’d be together if the world wasn’t so damn prejudice or if they just fought a little harder, tried a little more, and 3) because it reminds him of his own sorry love story with Bianca. After all, she was married to another man, he wasn’t allowed anywhere near her and he wasn’t good enough in the first place for her. After the red lyrium affair he’d decided to let that ship sail, let her go and he’d told her so despite her popping up randomly as if she thought she could change his mind. It was the first time she’d ever known him to say no to her, to turn her away. But, damn if it hadn’t been freeing for him. For the first time in a long time he didn’t feel the weight of her on his shoulders. He could see that weight on Naia Brosca now, the wondering, the hoping, the love. The longing for someone who had moved on with their life in a way you had yet to. 

“It’s his loss, Ferelden,” A large, warm hand settles on her shoulder and she leans into it without thinking. How long has it been since someone gave her a comforting hand on the shoulder, a celebratory clap on the back, a hug? A sign of companionship, closeness? She thinks it must have been...must have been nearly 10 years. The last person to hold her was Anders and he’d pissed off and then blown up the chantry in Kirkwall and then pissed off again. She hadn’t seen her old companions in years, they wrote, but it was a shitty imitation of what their group had been before...and Alistair, she hadn’t allowed herself to see him in person except where her presence as Commander of the Grey was needed and every time had been heart wrenchingly distant. 

“Who wouldn’t want to be married to the Hero of Ferelden, c’mon? You’re beautiful, you’re deadly, you have an inspiring origin story.” He counts them off on his fingers with a smile, she can feel a smile tugging at her lips, a storyteller he certainly was. 

He was...different. Alistair had been sweet, goofy, childish, a kid like her. He’d been a romantic but in that boyish sort of way that had endeared her to him because she hadn’t ever known anyone so open, so unchanged by the hardships of the world. Varric was rough, but charismatic. Older, more worldly than Alistair had been, but then she was older and more worldly too now. He was charming, compassionate, and had confidence, but she could see it was a smokescreen behind which to hide. She didn’t know what he’d gone through, other than the bits his stories told, but she knew he was just as tired as her. Probably even more so with the responsibilities of Viscount hanging over his head like a sword waiting to drop. 

It helped that he was handsome. Perhaps in Orzammar he wouldn’t have been ‘dwarf’ enough, no beard just some scruff across his cheeks, no tattoos to show his clan or caste. But, she thought he was more than handsome enough although his chest hair was a little distracting especially 3 ales in. She was sure he did it on purpose, dressed in a way that added to his charm, in a way that would make people think of how masculine and dwarven he was...at least to anyone but an Orzammar dwarf. Leske would have made some joke about it, probably asked if he was hunting for a noble to marry, but Naia didn’t mind. He was nice to look at and she hadn’t had someone nice to look at in a long while. It helped that he was complimentary as well, how long had it been since someone called her beautiful? Too long. 

“No one’s told you that in a while, huh? How long has it been? Since someone gave you an honest compliment that didn’t revolve around how you kill darkspawn?” It’s the furrow of her brow and the averted eyes that give it away, no one’s told her she’s beautiful in a long while and she is. She’s beautiful but clearly able to kill you and honestly, that just makes her prettier to Varric. 

“A...A while...Alistair used to...but then…” It’s hard to explain, that she hasn’t pursued anything with anyone in so long because she still holds out hope that maybe Alistair will decide to fight for them, for their relationship that no longer even exists. She lets herself get drawn back into the sea and dashed against the rocks every time he writes a private letter and every time she’s reminded that he isn’t hers and he never will be. This time is the worst, the realisation that he’s not coming back, he’s moving forward without her. That he’s marrying some noble human woman who can give him noble human babies and sit pretty beside him at functions. She wasn’t in his plans and she hadn’t been since he took the throne. 

“I know what it’s like, Ferelden, holding out hope that they’ll come back, that they’ll forsake the other and that you’ll finally get the story you always wanted. But, he’s not coming back, he’s going to marry that girl and you can’t hold on forever, you can’t waste your life waiting for a man that didn’t care enough to fight in the first place. I nearly did. I nearly wasted my life waiting for a woman who got married...it took her making mistakes for me to realise that I...that I was wasting my life waiting for a woman who only wanted me when she needed something fixing.” It’s the most he’s ever shared with someone he barely knows, but he’s growing...maybe, and maybe he’s realising that narrators can have stories to, they just have to choose who to share them with. Varric is also smart enough to know that she needs to hear it, she needs someone to finally tell her that it’s a lost cause and that she deserves another chance at love…and maybe it’s a little selfish, maybe part of him is hoping that she’ll consider him a candidate. 

It hits her like a hurlock to the chest or that broodmother that one time. She thought she’d realised that, that she’d understood that her and Alistair weren’t really going to happen but...truth be told she’s been holding on desperately, fingers clutching at a ledge, hoping he’d come along and help her back up. Hoping that he’d fight for her and the love they once shared. It hurt, it hurt to finally understand that it was a lost cause, that she'd spent 10 years of her life waiting for something which was never going to happen, agonising over someone who wasn’t doing the same. 10 years of seeing him in an official capacity, the physical distance and distance in the way he addressed her as if they’d never travelled together, never kissed, never been in love. She feels like she might be sick or she might burst into tears, both are options, alternatively she feels like storming to Denerim and taking her anger and sadness out on Alistair...although that option might get her arrested which is less than ideal.

Varric chooses to sit back and wait, watching realisation, sadness, and angry flit across her features one by one until she settles back in her chair resigned to the truth. Naia grabs her tankard again and downs the rest of the shitty ale before looking at the ceiling with a big sigh. “Fuck! Do you think it’d look bad if I punched the King of Ferelden in the face?” 

“Mm, the Hero of Ferelden breaks the King of Ferelden’s pretty face? Might cause a slight diplomatic incident but I could always ask Ruffles if she’d help smooth it over.” Naia twists to look at him again and he’s not surprised to see her eyes swimming with tears, though he’d be lying if he said it doesn’t piss him off that a woman who could end the Blight is brought to tears by someone who wouldn’t even be king without her help. It reminds him of Hawke, the tears she shed for Blondie all because she loved him too much and fell too far. At least Hawke had been loved back, Blondie might have been an asshole, understatement by a mile, that blew up the chantry but he loved Hawke, she cried over his revolutionary actions not his love for her. 

Naia Brosca cried because she’d wasted a decade on a love that was never going to come to fruition and of all the places to cry it was the Hanged Man. A shitty little hole in the wall. Not worthy of a hero’s tears. 

“Hey…” His large hand cups her cheek and it’s softer than he expects from her. Part of him expects...He doesn’t even know, maybe chiselled cheek bones, scars and rough skin, but she’s everything but, soft and sweet and it’s hard to think that a face like that belongs to a woman so formidable. It reminds him that appearances can be deceiving. 

His thumb wipes away the tears and it’s the sweetest feeling to her, that someone cares about her wellbeing, about her. Not her title, not who she is. It has her closing her eyes and turning into his hand and she knows the ale is helping, it’s making her more open than she’d usually be, but she thinks Varric probably just has that way about him. Caring enough that he can drag things out of you and get you attached. “Maybe he deserved you once. Maybe he was kind. Maybe he loved you right, but he doesn’t anymore...and it hurts, I know it hurts, but you deserve so much better, Topsider.”

He knows she’s a little past tipsy when she gives him that look, the one that says she’s going to kiss him and he anticipates it turning his cheek so her lips meet the scruff on his jaw. He wants to kiss her, but he knows better. She’s not in a place to make that decision and he won’t be a thing she regrets just because he decided to be a little selfish. So he lets her kiss his cheek and when she pulls back with an offended look he gives her his most charming smile. 

“You’re drunk, Topsider. I’d love to kiss you right now, but you’d regret it and I don’t plan on being a decision you regret, sweetheart.” He says it with that smile, teeth showing hoping she understands that he wants this, or something like this, he’s not entirely sure, but he knows better than to take it right now. He has no doubt that Naia Brosca is a woman he could easily fall into bed with or in love with, but she deserves more than a drunken kiss when she’s clearly still getting over what could have been the love of her life. 

So instead, he helps her up from her seat, her Mabari following behind the two of them as he helps her to her room despite her bad directions. She is uneven on her feet and it’s clear more than ever that she probably doesn’t drink often and that the last ale had put her over her limit. He’s the perfect gentleman, see’s her to her room, gives her Mabari a treat he always carries in his pocket thanks to Hawk’s own, and makes sure she’s safely inside before leaving for his own home. 

In the morning Naia wakes to Aeducan slung over her like the massive lap dog he is, her head pounding and the embarrassing image of trying to kiss the most handsome dwarf she’s ever met, but being politely turned down. She pushes her face into the ratty pillow and screams, but in truth embarrassment and giddy anticipation are feelings which she’s relieved to have after years of longing and heartache. 

[shootingcookielover]

I did a thing

I couldn't stop myself so I wrote some Royaliceit angst/comfort

Is that the correct terminology-

Anyway. Description:

Deceit is sick of Patton lying to himself and Roman pops in at some point, too, because he was around and heard crying.

I'm bad at descriptions. Or summaries. Or whatever they're called.

Warnings: Uh, Idk. Patton thinks badly about himself and there's like some impersonation and a bit of mean lying from Deceit? I'm also bad at Warnings, apparently. If you notice anything, tell me and I'll put it here.

Characters: Patton, Deceit, Roman and Deceit kinda shapeshifts into Virgil and Logan at one point, uh, Remus is mentioned

Pairings: Royaliceit but maybe not quite? It's not really an official relationship at this point, I guess it's platonic? Honestly don't know at what point a relationship goes from platonic to romantic

Hope you enjoy! Hope it's not too bad!

Patton sank down on his bed.

He didn’t like this. None of this. His room was too empty, too quiet, too… him.

It reflected him too much, bounced his emotions right back at him, it was like the room took his head and shoved his face into everything Patton didn’t want to think about.

The first tear fell unnoticed.

He was useless, he was making Thomas feel bad. He was making everything worse, he was annoying and stupid and- and-

Everyone hated him!

The second tear was quickly wiped from his face as he stood up. He didn’t feel like sitting anymore, there was a restlessness in his legs that brought him to the mirror on the wall. Pictures were clipped onto it, held aloft by magnets.

Pictures of him and his famILY.

Of Roman and Logan and Virgil. Of days spent together laughing. Having fun.

Patton bit his lip, trying to stifle the sobs wanting to escape him.

He was fine. Just one look at the pictures confirmed it; his life was great, he had no right to be upset.

His famILY loved him, he loved them. They were famILY.

Even a look into the mirror itself was enough to come to the conclusion; Patton was fine. Happy-pappy Patton!

He was smiling after all, and those tears could only be happy ones!

Because he was okay. His life was too good to be upset about things.

His hands curled into fists nonetheless. A quiet hiccup left his throat and this time he bit down on his fist to stifle the sound.

He was fine!

“You know, before I couldn’t do much, but now?”

Patton whirled around. Deceit was sitting on his bed, one leg crossed over the other.

“I am capable of so much more.”, the lying side stood up in one fluid motion.

He reminded Patton much more of a snake, in moments like these.

The moral side stumbled back, hitting the mirror behind him and wincing in light pain as Deceit advanced towards him. There was something predatory about the way the lying side moved.

So deliberate and calm, as if he knew his prey was trapped and he was only playing around, waiting for it to tire itself out before striking.

“W- what do you mean?”, Patton choked out. His emotions were surrounding him like a tornado, an invisible force that tore him apart from the inside.

Fear was the most prevalent at the moment.

Deceit stopped when he was barely an inch away from Patton.

The lying side might not have been as tall as the moral one, but the dangerous glint in his eyes, the menacing shine of his scales and the threatening length of his canines was enough to make Patton feel as though Deceit were towering over him.

“Your lies, Patton.”, Deceit replied. His voice was smooth as always, slick and easy to fall for. “They reek. I’ve been smelling them for so long now...”

Deceit reached up and Patton could feel himself freeze up. The fear made his heart beat faster, the terror in his eyes was overwhelming.

But all the lying side did, was push a stray strand of hair behind Patton’s ear, careful not to upset his glasses.

“But I can finally come forward. My dearest Patton, whyever do you feel the need to lie to yourself?”

The moral side had no time to respond as Deceit stepped back, just enough that Patton felt he could breath again.

“And, perhaps more importantly, to your oh so precious family?”

For the first time since he’d appeared, Deceit’s eyes strayed from Patton to the pictures on the mirror behind him. There was a small crease forming between the lying side’s eyebrows and Patton almost wanted to reach out and smooth it down. Almost.

“W- what are you talking about?”, Patton asked, forcing as much cheer into his voice as he could. It still came out shaky, but it was convincing enough in his opinion. “I don’t- I’d never lie to my kiddos!”

Suddenly Deceit was so close to him again. His face was almost touching the moral sides.

Patton could see the lying sides forked tongue, flicking out, as if to taste the air. The frown on Deceit’s face was easier to see now.

“Don’t”, he hissed, before seemingly getting himself back under control. “You can’t lie to me, Patton.”

The hand was back again, this time laying gently against Patton’s cheek.

The moral side wanted to lean into it, to fall forward and be comforted, but this was Deceit.

Patton batted away the hand. “I don’t know what you’re talking about, kiddo.”

Deceit backed up again, some more this time, leaving Patton enough space to step away from the mirror.

“Of course you don’t.”, the lying side sneered. “Because you’re happy, aren’t you, Patton?”

The moral side startled as he heard Virgil’s voice and saw not the snake but his strange, dark son. “What are you-“

“I may not know about emotions or have any, for that matter, but I will assist you however I can.”, this time it was Logan and it looked so wrong, seeing him slither closer, like the venomous snake Deceit was.

“Padre, you look positively horrible! What happened?! Is there a fiend in need of slaying?!”, Roman stood so close to Patton, he could see the red dots in his green eyes.

The tears were back and Patton choked down a sob. “S- stop-!”

“You know you can tell us everything, right?”, Deceit was so close.

He looked and sounded so much like Virgil.

Another choked sob freed itself from Patton’s throat.

“I- I know!”, the statement almost sounded broken. Patton’s eyes sank closed, tears still running free. “I- I’m s-sorry! I didn’t… I didn’t want to lie to you!”

He knew he was being dumb, that it was just Deceit in the room with him, but the admission felt so, so good, like a weight being lifted from his shoulders.

His eyes slowly opened again, though he didn’t dare look at Deceit. “…I didn’t want to burden you with my… my problems.”

A quiet sigh and there was again a hand, on Patton’s shoulder this time. “Your problems could never be a burden to us, Padre! Don’t you know that? We care about you. You’re important to us. We want to help you.”

The moral side felt his chest constrict. He looked at Roman with mistrust in his eyes, yet such a desperate need to believe what the creative side was saying.

Except it wasn’t the creative side.

It was Deceit.

Patton gave a wet laugh, pushing through his tears. He wiped them quickly. “Y- you’ve i- improved, Deceit!”, he complimented, trying to hold onto some form of composure.

Patton sniffed, wiping at his face some more.

Roman looked confused. Then he glanced over his shoulder.

Patton followed the gaze and found… Deceit.

In all his glory standing behind them. He was leaning against the wall, a bitter smirk on his lips. He gave Patton a tiny wave.

“B- but-“, Patton sputtered, his eyes focused on Roman again.

The creative side smiled. “It’s actually me, Padre.”

The tears were back.

The moral side slumped forward against Roman, burying his head in the creative side’s shoulder.

Roman threaded his hand through Patton’s hair carefully. “Why did you lie to us, Patton?”, the creative side asked, voice low. “We want to help you, but we can’t if you don’t talk to us.”

Patton sniffled. His eyes were closed again and his glasses were pressing against his face uncomfortably. At this point they were probably so smudged he wouldn’t be able to see anything even if he did open his eyes.

“My… my life is good.”, the moral side mumbled, holding onto Roman for dear life. “I- I shouldn’t- I don’t- I can’t have problems! I- I h- have it s- so much better than- than others and yet—“, Patton stopped himself, instead breaking out into more sobs.

Roman hushed him quietly, rubbing soothing circles into his back. “It’s okay, Patton.”, he reassured. “You can have problems. Your problems aren’t any less valid than other people’s. It’s okay.”

The two of them somehow ended up on Patton’s bed with the moral side in Roman’s lap.

Just as the moral side managed to calm down a little, Deceit spoke up again.

“Well then.”, the lying side said, “I accomplished what I came here to do. See you never.”

He was about to sink out, when Patton cried: “Wait!”

Deceit stopped mid-sink-out. He raised one eyebrow at the moral side. “What? Any other lies you need me to coax out of you?”

Patton was still busily wiping his face, but there was a blush slowly creeping up his neck. “N- no… I just… wanted to thank- thank you.”

“Ah, well, if that’s everything.”, Deceit took off his hat, showing beautiful, curly brown hair, and bowed. “It was my pleasure. Now-“

“Deceit?”, Patton cut off. He had scooted down from Roman’s lap who was watching the exchange curiously. “D- do you… uhm…”, Patton was blushing harder now.

“Do I what, Patton? As much as I enjoy uncovering lies, I do have a tight schedule.”

“A- ah, then maybe not…”, the moral side conceded, head low, eyes averted.

Roman shot Deceit a look. The creative side gestured at Patton and the lying side had hung around Remus enough to understand it meant: “What are you doing you moron you’re being a socially inept asshole again!”

Deceit sighed. He wanted to help, he really did, but the ‘light sides’ (delightful name) simply didn’t make any sense to him. Sure he could replicate their mannerisms, but why they acted like that in the first place? He had never been able to grasp it.

“Fine. Patton, what is it. As it turns out my schedule just cleared up.”

Patton shook his head. “N- no, if you have something else-“

Deceit cut him off. “Patton, just tell me. I’m here because I don’t want to help and you’re not making it difficult at all.”

Roman shot him another glare, but Deceit ignored the creative side in favor of Patton who looked up at him almost shyly.

“O- okay, if- if you w-want to… m-maybe… could you… stayhereandcuddlewithus?”

Patton squeezed his eyes shut, anxious about Deceit’s answer. He’d asked.

The lying side was sure to turn him down, to call him a weirdo and sink out.

A hand was placed under Patton’s chin. His head was lifted gently and the moral side’s eyes met the bewildered ones of Deceit.

“You want to cuddle with me?”, he asked.

“Y-yeah, I mean…”, Patton tried his best to avoid looking into the other’s eyes, which was hard considering their proximity. “Y-you have s-six arms right? So y- you must be am- amazing at cuddles and- and also you’re a snake and snakes need heat right, so I thought it made sense-“

He was rambling. The moral side cut himself off as soon as he realized, chancing a glance at Deceit.

The lying side looked even more baffled, but slowly, a smile worked it’s way onto his face. “I would hate to cuddle with you.”

Patton beamed at Deceit and immediately surged forward, wrapping his arms around the other side’s torso. His face was smushed against the lying side’s shirt and his glasses were really in the way now.

“Splendid!”

Roman tackle-hugged the other two sides.

Somehow the three of them ended up laying on Patton’s bed. Deceit was in the middle with Roman and Patton snuggling up to him.

Patton had been right; the six arms were incredible at cuddling.

The moral side in question had fallen asleep by now, his glasses securely on a nearby nightstand.

Roman, meanwhile, was still awake. He looked up at Deceit with an almost confused gaze, though it was interlaced by something akin to awe.

The lying side’s eyes moved from Patton to Roman. “Something wrong?”

His voice was even more wonderful when he talked so low, a soothing deep rumble that made Roman feel much better than he had in a while. “No.”, the creative side admitted.

He was still staring up at Deceit who raised an eyebrow.

“Well then why aren’t you staring?”

Roman huffed, a content smile on his face. He himself was on the cusp of falling asleep, his eyes already drooping, though he didn’t want them to.

“You’re just so beautiful.”

The creative side didn’t see or hear Deceit’s reaction.

Roman and Patton awoke the next morning to only each other.

Confused, Patton sat up, rubbing his eyes. “Where’s Deceit?”

Roman yawned and stretched. He hadn’t slept this good in a while. “Dunno. He did say he had a tight schedule, I suppose.”

Patton sighed. “He’s a great cuddler.”

Roman nodded wistfully. “Yeah.”