#things are going to shit Unspeakably Fast

[haojun]

Nothing has made me realize what a complete control freak i am quite like the last 2 days have

[evilminji]

Speaking of Summoning?

We don't see people fuck it up enough. Or CAPTIVES deliberately fuck up their captor's work. Like? Yeah, you are hogtied so tight you look three parts chain to one part man, but you can still WIGGLE.

Aggressively wiggle over that rune until it's too blurry to function! Kick at it with your heel until you scrape the paint! Smear that shit around! You're not here because you WANT to be! Fuck being a polite hostage. Make their life difficult!!!

Or BETTER?

The "$4000 bucks for chalk" take!

It's not the MATERIALS that make John "fuck you" Constantine a force to reckoned with. It's the DECADES of time, training, mistakes, fuck ups, FIXING those mistakes and fuck ups, then surviving the resulting fires.

Any idiot with a voice and some poor impulse control, can use most of those books.

John is GOOD at what he does, because he SURVIVED it. Knows when to stop. What to fuck up on purpose. HOW to do it. And what the results will be.

You're not impressive because you can light your dick on fire with magic.

You're just an idiot.

And when some "you are held back by your FEAR~!" Delusions of grandure fucko, one AGAIN crawls out of the muck like he's something God damned special, and not on the quick bus to a gory unspeakable end? Plays fast and loose with things that SHOULD NOT be let free? Yeah, John exhausts himself keeping millions of people from learning what the inside of Hell looks like.

Wakes up here.

Honestly surprised he wakes up at all.

Most of Dark is here. And Every Single One looks UNSPEAKABLY pissed. Like they got chewed on by a tree thrasher. That was probably on fire, given half the burns he's seeing.

The bastards monologuing, probably thinks they're hanging off his every word. Arrogant prick. Mostly though it's just intense eye contact and eyebrow charades over gags. Head gestures. Seeing who has what and if anyone's concussed. Honestly? You get good at shit like this, after a few too many times bound and gagged.

First mistake always is and has been, not killing them when you had the chance.

But... Zatanna is looking way too pale. And when she sharply gestures with her head? He sees WHY.

Blood on the floor. Not random. Just shitty, shitty writing and no binding agents. Oh sweet merciful fuck. It's not even CHARGED. No grooves to HOLD the blood in a way to keep most of it away from the air. Just splatter painted with some cheap brush on the unscrubbed floor, mixing and contaminated by god knows what, IN LAYERS.

Because it keeps drying.

Because OF COURSE IT KEEPS DRYING, YOU FUCK.

You are DOING IT WRONG.

Is he using THEIR blood? Oh sweet fuck he is. Are you ser-!? One of them is a CHIMPANZEE! Blood's blood literally changes! John's is fucked up! This idiot really things you can just slap it down like PAINT and trot off on your merry lil way, doesn't he? Why don't you just throw "Chemicals" at it next! Big ol bag of whatevers on hand!

At least he has people to share his outrage and horror with.

Oh god, is he STILL talking? Really. REALLY? How long has he...?

Wait. WHAT.

Crazy pants has "found" (more likely was lead by the nose too) a way to True Name Summoning people?! As in "kidnap from literally anywhere and bind them to your will, because unlike normal Summoning Targets they can't fuck off back home under their own power, so it's either submit or stay trapped until you die"??! Oh fuck. Oh shit, oh fuck.

And, OF COURSE, he's going to TEST his new fun trick?

On the Justice League.

Fucker, turns and starts chanting. John is closet, but everyone throws themselves forward. Even though none of them can really move, they have too TRY. His eyes shoot around the shit writing. Trying desperately to make out familiar symbols. Anything. Something. THERE!

He never thought he'd be grateful for all those far too drunk nights and pounding morning hangovers. But he is FAST wiggling across the floor, scrunching and swinging himself around, too sharply scrape the heel of his boot at the concrete floor, just inside that omenious off color Summoning. The layers of blood, painted down again and again to keep the "fresh", stick together like paint chips. Are raised just enough, his shoe tred catches, and all but pops the rune he's aiming for clean off.

Power surges as the spell completes.

He yanks his foot back before he runs the risk of losing it.

The light flares. And between one moment and the next? There are white hazmat boot standing just on the other side of the writen line, from John's face. He looks up into a young, pallet swapped, face. Nightwing, younger then he should be, wrong colors, different uniform. Confused look on his face quickly melting to that familiar "someone's about to get their ass kicked" look as he assesses the situation.

John grins like the MEANEST lil shark. (And yes, he DID steal this look of an ex.)

It WORKED.

Because half the people behind the kid? Not THEIR League. Hero's, yeah, he left that rune alone. But the "civilian identity" that was tied up in the "of this reality" one? Whoops! Guess it was forced to grab any applicable version of the Hero, from the Multiverse, who WASN'T currently off duty. Sure hope your bindings work on THEM!

AND it didn't tip off every single hero OFF duty!

The kid steps over the binding line, bends down, and snaps the chains around John with his bare hands. Offers him a hand up. He takes it. Gets a front row view of alternate versions of his colleges testing to see who is and isn't able to step out. Quiet a few are. Oh dear~, oh dear~. All these Heros! What's a lad to do, huh chucklefuck?

They would like a word.

@nerdpoe @the-witchhunter @hypewinter @hdgnj @mutable-manifestation @lolottes @babbling-babull

[holylulusworld]

Their Bride (Snippet 1) - Kinktober 28

Summary: You always dreamed of letting your dirtiest fantasies become reality. Your men made your dream come reality.

Pairing: fem!Reader x Nick Fowler, Ari Levinson, Lloyd Hansen, Bucky Barnes, Steve Rogers

Warnings: mentions past consensual non-con/dub-con roleplay, kidnapping, multiple partners,  mentions of sex tape, mentions of callboys/prostitution

Trope: Post-coitus moment

A/N:  A short follow up to: Best bridesmaid ever

Kinktober vs Flufftober 2024

“Just relax, lean back, and enjoy how we dismantle your ex.”

Lean back and relax, Ari said, while you tried to wrap your head around the situation. Not moments before they revealed their true identities, you believed your bridesmaid and best friend hired the most handsome and best callboys walking on earth.

The fulfillment of your secret desires still lingered in the back of your mind. Memories flashed up, bringing back every moment of desire and lust.

Did their true identity change your desire for them after all of them gave you what your body and mind were craving? You pondered when Ari stepped back inside the room to hand you a cup of your favorite tea.

“I can see the wheels in your head spinning,” he said, sitting opposite you in an old armchair, while you watched him with curiosity. This man did unspeakable things to you and your body but looked almost shy when you stared at him. “We never said that we are callboys, sweetness. You gave in to our demands so easily; we just went with the flow. At first, we only wanted to scare you a little and fuck with your finance’s mind.”

“What?” You gaped at Ari. Did he just make it sound like they didn’t lie to you? “You made me believe you’re the callboys my friend hired.”

“Baby cakes, do you honestly believe guys like us offered their dicks for money?” Lloyd chuckles as you try to not throw the cup of tea at him. “My meat is a filet mignon, not a cheap burger.”

“Hansen, you’re not helpful. Not at all,” Ari grunted. “We should explain our plan to her. Y/N is not a pretty doll you can use and put in a corner.”

“Oh, Levinson,” Lloyd plopped down on the couch next to you. “I won’t ever put my muffin into a corner. I’ll make her scream my name any time of the day.” His hand crept up the nightgown they offered you this morning, one of many designer clothes they got for you. “Right, sunshine. You loved it when I got down on you to tickle your clit with my mustache.”

“Lloyd!” Steve snapped at the man next to you. “We wanted to talk, not bend her over the couch too. Let’s finish her ex-fiancé off before we get to her naughty cunt again.”

“Doll, are we having a party?” Bucky strolled into the room, Nick hot on his heels. They sipped at their coffee while undressing you with their eyes. Similar eyes, turning you into a puddle of goo whenever they look at you. “What do you want me to do to you today?”

“Get your shit together. No sex this morning. If we want to hit Walker hard and fast, we must do it now. Let’s give him a taste of his own medicine. I want him to suffer through every scream and moan we forced out of his lovely fiancé.”

You watched Ari take over the lead. He wildly gestured while talking, making you whimper more than once. You barely listened to what he had to say. These five men fulfilled your darkest desires and offered a new life to you within the same heartbeat.

How could you ever go back to a normal life? What would you tell anyone? That you let these five men, members of the mob on top of all, do unspeakable things to you?

You’re ruined in more than one way.

“How about you enjoy the show, cupcake?” Lloyd said, and wrapped one arm around your shoulders. “Later, you can enjoy more of me. Let’s sneak out and do it outside like the animals.”

“Lloyd!” Steve snapped his fingers in Lloyd’s face. He was done with Lloyd’s endless appetite for you and the noises you made for the mustache-wearing bastard. “Stop thinking with your dick for once, will ya.”

“Let us have our fun. We already fucked Walker over by fucking his lovely bride. He still thinks she’s going to marry him. How about you stab him in the back and twist the knife?”

“I prepared everything,” a new face stepped into the room. A cocky guy with glasses and spiky dark blonde hair. He was wearing a pink shirt with an imprint saying go petunias.

You would’ve giggled at his outfit, but he switched a large monitor on and talked about hacking into John’s system and other things you don’t understand.

“Alright,” he said. “A livestream would’ve been much funnier, but this will do too.” He dipped his head to look your way. His cheeks turned red, and he gasped loudly. “Oh, she’s here.”

“Stop staring at our girl,” Nick warned before pointing his index finger at him. “Get the job done. We don’t have all day.”

“Name’s Jake,” he said, instead of doing his job. He flashed you a smile, making you giggle. You could imagine turning him into your sweet puppy. A stark contrast to the roughness your other men provide.

“Jensen, do your job!” Ari barked at Jake. “I want results, and I want them now!”

“Here we go,” Jake said. He typed away on the keyboard, starting a countdown. You watched John on the monitor. His phone rang, and he got a message to switch his laptop on.

John sat down on his expensive leather chair and switched the laptop on. Jake immediately took control of the laptop, easily hacking into the computer.

Moments later, you could hear the scene you remembered so well unfold once again. Your moans and the men barking orders at you filled your ears as John grabbed his laptop to smash it against the wall.

“Hah, as if this would stop me!” Jake snickered. “Let’s drive him insane.”

Next: Playing with their bride

Tags in reblog.

[he-goes-down]

Wild Child -smut

Anon req (MY FIRST AAAAAHHH) fem reader

Masterlist

Pairing: Duff x reader x Izzy

Warnings: threesome, unprotected p in v, oral F! Receiving, double penetration.

None edited, written on a phone in the middle of the night 😘

IF YOU DIDNT CATCH THE DRIFT THIS IS A SMUT

Second person pov:

The party was already going on strong, people were making out left right and centre, as-well as drinking and then throwing up left right and centre. This was one of the parties of Axl’s friends, you didn’t know him but it didn’t really matter. It wasn’t actually Axl that told you to come, but Duff and Izzy on two different days. Duff and Izzy always fought for your attention, you weren’t all that oblivious about it, you kinda enjoyed two hot guys fighting over you. You didn’t have a favourite, you loved them both, they were both so gorgeous and hot in their own way. Izzy being more mysterious and dark like a vampire, and Duff being more tall, sweet and probably had a secret rough side to him. You had decided to agree to both their requests on coming but came alone as to not add more tension.

You were sat down on the floor in a circle with other people playing spin the bottle. But a little more spicy. You were wearing a short black dress that showed a lot of skin, especially your chest, legs and sides as the dress was two pieces of fabric tied together elegantly on your sides. Izzy and Duff who were sitting across for you couldn’t stop starting at you. Both of them thinking about unspeakable things. The empty beer bottle was spun, everyone starring anxiously. It landed on one of the blonde girls sitting close to you. Another spin. Landing on the brown haired man next to her. Some guy took out a hat and rummaged through it and picked put a piece of paper, “Oooooh, seven minutes in heaven.” He exclaimed. They both got up and headed to the nearest closet. Soon the bottle was spun again, this time landing on Steven who sat next to you, you sighed nervously as it was very close to picking you, then the bottle landed on a girl who was a person away from Izzy. “Blowjob!! Whoo!!” The man picked out the piece of paper from the hat enthusiastically. Steven and the girl went off to a couch somewhere in the distance to do their business. This time the bottle was spun and landed directly onto you. You were feeling hot and excited. A-lot of the guys around were long haired and fine. Izzy and Duff on the other-side were both crossing their fingers behind their backs, and their hearts racing at a unimaginable pace. They’d do anything to just touch you and see you in private. The bottle was spun again, this time it felt so slow and yet so fast. Spin. Spin. Spin. Round. Round and round. The sound of the glass clanking on the floor was the only sound that played in your ears. The bottle had stopped spinning. Landing right in between Duff and Izzy. No more to the right, no more to the left. Just straight in the middle. “Seems like this is gonna be a three person job. Aren’t you lucky hun?” The guy smirked and began to dug into the hat once more. Your face was burning hot. ‘Shit.’ You didn’t even want to look at them at this point, if you did they would be starring straight at you in lust or starring at each other with rage.

The paper was finally taken out of the hat. “A Fuck.” The guy said and following with an over enthusiastic and dramatic ‘oooo’ at the end. Fuck your cheeks were red hot. You glanced up to look at Duff and Izzy, they were watching you with drunken lust. You were drunk too, your mind already foggy but now looking at the hot men across from you made it even more foggy with desire. This was secretly your dream, and you were gonna take it. “Can she not just choose one?” Both Duff and Izzy said in unison then starred each-other down after asking the question to the man. “Nope. Rules are rules. Have fun!” He said and two other guys lead the three of you to vacant bedroom.

It was quiet. But Duff broke the silence. “We don’t have to do this if you don’t want to.” He said sincerely. “Yeah, it can just be us two.” Izzy said jokingly. But he meant it. Izzy was about to say something more but you interrupted him by quickly kissing him passionately and throwing your arms around his neck, he was surprised but kissed back with aggression and desire. Before he could slip his tongue in, you retracted your lips from him, panting. “Just fuck me already.” You said looking at Duff then back to Izzy. “Fuck” they both groaned in horniness at your words that they’d fantasised about, and it was on.

Soon both of them were just in their underwear, watching you as you slowly stripped off your clothes. Teasing them. Their hard ons were getting harder and more visible by the second of you shedding off your clothes and lastly being stood their in your red lace underwear set. They were going to explode in anticipation. Izzy had enough and pushed you onto the bed, taking off your panties in a flash. Kissing up your inner thighs, getting closer to your soaking core. Meanwhile Duff laid next to you, one arm slumped over your stomach holding your waist. Kissing softly from your jaw to your neck, to your collarbone, shedding off the straps of your bra from your shoulders and began kissing and sucking your exposed cleavage.

You moaned and gasped loudly as Izzy kissed your clit, licking up your folds and stuck his tongue in your wet pussy. “You sound so beautiful…” Duff sighed lustfully, before going to leave another dark purple love bite on your breast. His one hand rubbing up and down your waist, holding onto your soft skin. The other hand intwined with yours as he pins your arm to the bed. Izzy’s hands were harshly holding onto your thighs as he dug his tongue into you, his whole face pushed against your hear, his big nose teasing your clit, making your head spin in ecstasy. You arched your back and moaned, Izzy groaned in response of the sweet sound of him finally pleasing you, the vibrations sent shocks through your pussy and up your spine. Duff unhooked your bra, throwing it to the side and started to suck your nipples. Spinning his tongue around the sensitive bud, which sent a tingling feeling down to your already over stimulated heat. Izzy was going wild on your clit, sucking, licking, flicking and pressing hard against it with his tongue. “Fuck!” You moaned. Your one free hand was grabbing and tangled in Izzy’s black hair, lightly pushing his head further down onto you. Another loud moan and whine. “I’m gonna cum! Oh fuck…” you moaned as your legs began to shake. You heard and felt the vibrations of a muffled ‘cum’ command from Izzy as he continued to eat you out like it was his last meal on earth. Duff held onto your waist tighter as you shook, whispering dirty words in your ear, somehow making you wetter than before. You felt a tingly pressurised feeling in the bottom of your stomach. Growing more and more as you were reaching your climax. You clutched harshly onto Izzy hair and Duff’s hand. “Fuck!” You moaned as you came all over Izzy’s mouth and shook in the two mens grasp.

Izzy detached his face from your pussy, his lustful hazel eyes looking up at you, your slick dripping down to his chin from his mouth. He licked his lips and wiped the bottom half of his face before crawling over you and kissing you. You could taste yourself on his lips. Duff lightly pushed him off you and kissed your cheek. His face now the only thing in view. He didn’t care or even notice that Izzy was giving him a stare that looked like he was going to commit a murder. “What do you want now sweetheart?” Duff asked softly, still filled with desire. “I need you.” You said bluntly, your head was still slightly foggy from your first orgasm of the night. “What do you need from me?” He tilted his head slightly, his hand now trailing down from your waist to your hips, his thumb doing circles around the skin. “I need both of you, in me. Please.” You pleaded in a whine. They didn’t care at this point, they waited to long to have you to care about someone else being there.

You sat on the edge of the bed, intently watching as the two men were taking off their underwear. Both dicks bounced slightly as they came out of the restrictive underwear. Hard, big, dripping with precum. Your pussy throbbing and physically hurting at the empty space that now needed to be filled by them. Their dicks were both big, way above average, Duff’s was a little longer than Izzy’s but Izzy’s was thicker. You were too busy in a heated and drooling daydream to realise that Duff was in front of you, his 6’3 figure leaning down slightly. He took you by the hips, then moving to your ass, picking you up like you weighed absolutely nothing. Your legs around his torso and your arms around his neck, his hands now on the curve of your waist. You were getting heated at the skin to skin contact that was happening, and his hard dick resting on your wet cunt. Duff rested his back on one of the walls of the room, for support, to fuck you at the right angle. Izzy came up behind you, his dick now against your ass, his hands resting on your hips, and kissing your neck. He was so ready to do the most unspeakable things to you. “What about condoms?” Duff asked as he just remembered. Fuck, you didn’t care, you wanted them to fill you and leave you dripping and their cum running down your legs, unable to walk. “I don’t care. Just fuck me.” You spoke. It made both of their minds spin, that was so fucking hot.

“Ready baby?” Izzy asked, his hot breathe against your ear, tingling down your spine. “Mhm.” You responded biting your lip and nodding. Your breath shaky, waiting in anticipation for him to fill you. He held tightly onto your hips. You whined as he slowly entered your pussy. You laid your face in the crook of Duff’s neck as you moaned at the feeling of Izzy stretching you out. Izzy’s head flung back in pleasure as he felt you clench around him as he bottomed you out. You felt hot and antsy already, god you needed to be fucked till day break. Izzy soon pulled out, not all the way, and thrusted back into you lightly. “Fuck…” he huffed lowly. “So fucking tight…” he groaned softly to himself as he stayed in position. “You okay baby?” Duff asked sincerely, his green eyes starring into yours. “Yeah…” you let out a pleasure filled sigh. “Are you ready?” He asked. You nodded. You leaned back a bit against Izzy’s chest as Duff’s tip was grazing against your already filled hole. “Go slow.” Izzy told him. “If he hurts you I’ll beat him.” Izzy whispered in your ear light heartedly. You gave a small smile in response. “Tell me if it hurts, okay?” Duff said. You nodded again. You exhaled deeply as Duff pushed into you, going slowly and carefully. You felt tears pricking the corners of your eyes. Duff stopped, “Shit, are you okay?” He asked in worry. “Please just keep going” You whined. The tears were of pain and pleasure. Meanwhile Izzy’s hand snaked around and his two fingers began to rub on your clit. Now easing the pain of your pussy being stretched to it’s limits. Izzy also began leaving big hickeys on your neck, which relieved more of the pain. Duff panted and lowly groaned at the little space he was squeezed in. Swore he could cum just at this moment. His skin finally met yours and his tip reached the end. You moaned at this fantasy feeling of both of them being in you. Duff soon did the same as Izzy and did one thrust into you. The back of your head now rested on Izzy’s shoulder as you moaned loudly, while Duff hit your g spot and Izzy touched you in the right place.

After a few minutes of grunts and groans and them cockwarming inside of you, you were ready to be railed by them and you told them. Duff began to slowing thrust in and out of you, hitting your g spot. Soon as you were ready Izzy joined, but thrusting one second behind Duff’s rhythm. It was double the amount of skin against skin slapping that echoed through out the room. “Oh god!” You let out a moan which followed calling out both their names. Setting them off. Their thrusts driving faster and hitting your spots harder than before. You clawed at Duff’s back, whining and moaning in his ear, and kissing groaned as he bit harshly into your skin on your neck and his fingers working faster on your clit. “Oh fuck baby, I’m gonna cum.” Duff panted between sloppy thrusts, you could feel Izzy was too. “Cum in me!” You stuttered, slurring a bit as your brain was going foggy and everything was going numb, you were close as well. “I’m gonna-…!” You couldn’t even finish your sentence before you came all over their dicks as they continued to raw dog your pussy to pieces. “ Fuck! I love you princess…” Izzy exhaled into your ear right before he spilled inside you. Duff kissed you lustfully, his tongue entering your mouth, and your two tongues dancing as he coated your insides with his cum which was now mixed with Izzy’s.

“You’re mine.” They both whispered in your ear in unison.

A/n: OMG SORRY IF THIS WAS SHIT

[emperor-kumquat]

Fandom, WTF

It's not just X; it could happen here too. My fucking god, a Transformers YouTuber almost did the unspeakable last night because of cyberbullying. Because people who claim they are being heroic are doing such terrible things. And they do it so damn fast.

(The YouTuber is more stable and safe at the moment)

You don't need to know the exact details, but the person made a post on X that was a little iffy. Not discriminatory to anyone, not an inappropriate picture or anything. The kind of thing that SHOULD have led to a discussion to change his opinion. And that's what the some other YouTubers and I did, we talked to him, and he regretted his words and changed his mind. Just like that. So fucking easy.

He wanted to write an apology and tell everyone he understood the issue now, but he was struggling to. His account was reported and suspended over and over. In the end, he did manage to write that apology on X and tell people he changed his opinion. That kind of thing can happen when we act patiently and try to guide people! But before then, other people were DMing him madly on Discord and X to say horrible shit, show gore, tell him to die. People were photoshopping a convicted criminal's face onto his profile pic. Friends severed ties without even talking to him. People doxxed him and someone left him a threatening phone call.

These people probably loved the excuse to do it. They would happily slap a label on someone then act dramatic about it. They pile on the hate because "that creator deserves it", they think.

How can you do any of the above and think you are a good person??

What on Earth happened to giving people the benefit of the doubt? Out of all the ways a statement could be interpreted, why do people choose the most negative instead of the most positive? When drama hits and your friend is involved, how can you leave without at least hearing the other side of the story? How can you forget that you may be harassing someone who has mental health or is neurodivergent?

It's like people love being mad. They want to put a bad label on someone, like some kind of "_ist", "_phobe", or a "p*do". They don't need much evidence before attacking. Here on Tumblr a while back, some people very eagerly wanted to harass me. They called me transphobic. The reality they didn't care to find out: I am trans, I make trans activist videos, I go on the front lines countering anti-trans protests in Canada while getting screamed at by conservatives for hours. Get real. If you are so quick to hate someone and label them, you were probably just eager to misinterpret anything they said to get a chance to be angry. You don't know them and you are not a sensible, fair person. They act like a pack of wolves if they can tell themselves it's justified. It is NOT justified. They should be ashamed. They are just bullies hiding behind a hero’s mask.

[socra-time]

Socra’s Naruto Liveblog, Ep 81-90:

Ep 81:

-I like the weird jingling noise the Akatsuki are accompanied by because of the bells on their hats, it’s appropriately creepy

-welp I guess I know what happened to the Kazekage now

-I want to know Kabuto’s backstory. Like what is his deal actually

-booo I do NOT want Jiraiya to be Hokage (and neither does he lmao)

-Kakashi clocked Kurenai and Asuma being a thing so fucking fast

-I like the Akatsuki’s painted nails

-shark man shark man shark man!

-so between some of Orochimaru’s lackeys, Orochimaru himself, and Kisame, there’s clearly people in this universe who don’t look human, and I’d like to know more about that

-obviously Kurenai was going to lose to Itachi but I feel like they could have made her do more (justice for Kurenai)

-shoutout to the ramen guy, what a chad

Ep 82:

-I actually kinda liked the exchange between Naruto and Jiraiya when Jiraiya convinced Naruto to come with him to find Tsunade, it was cute

-has Sasuke just been living in his abandoned family home after his brother murdered every other family member???? Because uh YIKES that’s sad

-so I was traveling and took a short break from watching Naruto because I was busy, and I highkey felt so warm and fuzzy when I saw Naruto being all excited about Jiraiya teaching him a new jutsu and I realized… I missed this lil gremlin, goddammit

-Itachi says that only someone with “both the sharingan and kekkei genkai” could defeat him, and I get that he means an actual Uchiha family member (aka Sasuke) but like… I thought the sharingan IS a kekkei genkai?????? I’m a little confused about that ngl

-wow Itachi just casually has an Infinite Torture jutsu I guess. Also it’s REALLY unsettling to see Kakashi so shaken-up

-Kurenai is so out of the loop, I feel bad for her

-hm so I knew of both Orochimaru and the Akatsuki before I started watching this show, but I didn’t know that Orochimaru was part of the Akatsuki at one point

-GAI TO THE RESCUE

-Gai says “iTAchi” the same way he says “kaKAshi” and it’s glorious

-booooooooo let Kurenai fight (I know that technically it makes more sense to have Asuma stay and fight with Gai because Kurenai’s genjutsu is basically useless against Itachi, but still, Kurenai is getting ROBBED)

Ep 83:

-Naruto is so freaking cute. Also I love him roasting Jiraiya

-do we ever get to actually see Sakura’s parents? I’m sure they’re just randos but still it’s kinda funny that all we get of them are disembodied voices

-I like that Sasuke openly thinks of Naruto and Sakura as his friends

-Naruto is super endearing in this episode, I like seeing him just being a goofy kid

-I didn’t think about it before, but Orochimaru looked non-human even as a kid, which is interesting. I think I assumed that his appearance was the result of all the experimentation he did taking some kind of physical toll on him, but that’s clearly not the case

-Kid Jiraiya’s voice is really annoying

-lmao not Sasuke just barging into Kakashi’s apartment-

-damn this is the most frantic we’ve seen/heard Sasuke

-OH the reveal that Sasuke didn’t find Naruto and then Naruto coming face to face with Itachi was goooood

Ep 84:

-OH SHIT ARE WE GETTING SASUKE/ITACHI BACKSTORY

-baby Sasuke is so cute. Just a lil guy. His voice acting isn’t very good tho

-also Itachi looks and sounds pretty much the same in Sasuke’s flashback, which is somewhat off-putting

-Sasuke got ALL of his mom’s genes lmao

-Jesus so obviously I knew about the Uchiha massacre but seeing what Sasuke saw is still absolutely horrifying

-yeah there’s no way Itachi doesn’t have other reasons for what he did, I just have no idea what the hell those reasons would be

-based on what I know, I feel like Konoha kinda failed Sasuke. Like this little kid lived through something unspeakable and he was just kinda left alone???? It’s a miracle he’s not even MORE fucked up

-Itachi casually deflecting the chidori, Sasuke’s biggest move, was a great way to show their power imbalance but also WHERE THE FUCK IS JIRAIYA PLS SAVE THE KIDS

-annnnd there’s Jiraiya. For once I am very happy to see him

Ep 85:

-geez Sasuke is REALLY getting his shit rocked by Itachi

-Itachi really is just psychologically torturing Sasuke at this point. Like literally what the fuck is wrong with him, why is he so set on making his 12 year old brother suffer

-ok so Jiraiya’s Toad Mouth Trap is really weird. It’s kinda funny how there’s “normal” jutsus and then someone will just pull out some really bizarre shit like that

-LMAO NOT GAI KICKING JIRAIYA-

-god I feel really bad for Sasuke

Ep 86:

-GAI OFFERED NARUTO A ONESIE LMAOOO I FUCKING LOVE HIM

-Gai and Naruto have a cute dynamic

-also I can’t believe there actually was a zoom-in on Gai’s ass (nice)

-Naruto’s little frog wallet is adorable

-I love seeing Naruto just being a lil goober

Ep 87:

-I like Jiraiya’s platform sandals

-if the rasengan is supposedly the second-hardest jutsu (according to Jiraiya, at least), I wonder what the first is

-Naruto getting inspiration from a cat is kinda iconic

-I just realized that Naruto hasn’t said “believe it” in a while lmao

-Jiraiya did NOT just ask Naruto to pay him for training istg I can’t with him

-the scene where Naruto clearly wants Jiraiya to stick around and help him but masks his disappointment at Jiraiya leaving was actually really sad, I feel really bad for him

Ep 88:

-I like that we’re actually being walked through the steps of Naruto learning the rasengan (and I liked how Jiraiya explained the whole concentration thing). It’s also good to see him struggle with it

-I love how Tsunade is like “I’m actually winning at gambling? Something must be wrong”

-so does the “every squad needs to have a medic” rule apply to the genin squads? Because if so I’d be curious to know who the medic of each squad is/will be

-damn Orochimaru is really going through it

-it’s interesting that Naruto’s flashback shows him being friends with Shikamaru, Choji, and Kiba at the academy when that kinda goes against a lot of what we’ve seen. Is that not canon or something?

-Kiba told Iruka “I wasn’t made to sit still at a desk” and I was like “I know what you are (ADHD)”

-it’s cool that there’s an explanation for the leaf symbol on the headbands

-yes Naruto this is why you should always listen to Iruka, who is very cool and wise

-I’m really curious to see Tsunade fight (pls let her be badass omg I NEED a badass woman in this show)

Ep 89:

-again, I liked that we’re actually getting to see Naruto train and put in the work to learn the new jutsu

-I actually wasn’t expecting Shizune to be a ninja but I’m glad she is (yay for more female ninjas!)

-Kabuto is shit at negotiating lol. He keeps saying “we’re not here to fight, we want to negotiate” and then doesn’t actually say what he’s offering while Tsunade gets more and more annoyed

-Naruto talking to his frog wallet was adorable

-what even is Orochimaru’s beef with Konoha

Ep 90:

-I wonder if Tsunade’s fear of blood has some kind of reasoning/trauma behind it

-Naruto is so done with Jiraiya in this episode

-I love how Naruto’s response to Tsunade’s refusal to be Hokage was to try to throw hands with her

-okay Tsunade fighting Naruto with one finger was kinda iconic

[eldritch-spouse]

Can I get Penis Panic part 3- Revenge of the Dicks? Featuring the demon triplets, the garden inhabitants, Shags, and Stitches?

-Corkscrew Cock Anon

[Adding the aquarium peeps too, because I don't have a name planned for a part 4 if anyone asks.]

TW: Noncon.

(THE TRILOGY)

Ludwig sighs. The first thing that graces his mind is disappointment, the blatant display of terror turning him off a little, but then he genuinely gets worried. In fact, if you don't wake up very soon, he's going to rush you to a hospital. He's not even thinking about why you fainted, he's just worried half to death.

Obie snorts. Hahah, real funny! Oh shit, you actually passed out. HUH. He's shaking you immediately. Is it the piercings?? Do you think they'll hurt? Dude don't scare him like that! You'll wake up to Obie clutching you and sighing loudly in relief.

Mervin rolls his eyes. You're overreacting! Geez, what are you, a baby? Come now. It's a little flattering. Okay, he's basically high on it- But it's definitely an unusual reaction and he's mildly concerned. You'll wake up to him seated on the edge of the bed, demanding an explanation.

Shags stares at your limp form for a few moments. Curious. Well then, he's nothing if not an opportunist. You're posed in different ways, Shags starts sketching you when he's sure you're not in real danger, relieving himself to the rough sketches and your lovely slumbering visage. Even in terror-induced sleep, you're a work of unspeakable art.

Stitches laughs mutely for so long he probably sits out one of his atrophied lungs. THIS IS TOO GOOD. He fucks you anyway. After all, you're being silly. Stitches is sure your panic will fade to pleasure when you wake up getting fucked as deep and fast as be can. Gonna faint again? Patches will seethe about this later.

Colmei panics. The Queen fainted?! The Queen fainted!! She's ill! She's sick! HURRY. The entire hive surrounds you, buzzing in preoccupation. Colmei carries you to a bed of the best flowers he can find, pacing back and forth as he wonders about what could have made you ill enough to fall unconscious. It doesn't cross his mind that you fainted from the sight of his cock. After all, he's part of your loyal colony, why would you fear him?

Hellion recoils. Wow, you fell like dead weight. Are you actually dead?? He pokes you just to be sure, resting that flat face on your chest and neck to make sure you're actually breathing. That was weird... He's not sure what you expected. Is it because he doesn't have visible balls like some of the others? No really, he's puzzled. Hellion lays on your legs and waits for you to wake up.

Pebble is inconsolable. He thinks he frightened you to death, somehow. The gargoyle screams and carries you to someone he trusts, horrified at himself. It's his fault!! He's too hideous and even his cock is all wrong! That's why you don't want him. He's sobbing and garbling incoherently through the paper bags, having a massive tantrum, throwing shit around while you're attended to.

Magus catches you before you can sink like an anchor. Did the glowing frighten you? Why would you fear your mate? He wasn't going to stick all of it in, you did know that, right? You know he's not stupid enough to kill you, right?? He's almost offended. The huge mermonster sighs and keeps you afloat on his front, swimming aimlessly until you wake up again, his odd cock coiled around your leg.

Glauk is whining. What kind of game is this? No one's ever done that before! He sits there like a dork looking at his own cock, moving it around in hopes of finding what scared you so much. His scent is fine, he's not discolored, it works just fine- What got you so worked up?? Incapable of conceiving you might not want to bed him anymore, Glauk fondles and ruts sporadically at you until you're awake again.

[noodyl-blasstal]

Not that kind of apocalpyse!

Sometimes you might ask yourself, “What if Taakitz kissed in the historical fish castle during the zombie apocalypse?” Well I answered it.

Happy Birthday @ceilingfan5!

Read below or on Ao3

-

“There’s someone outside!” Lup shouts from her spot at the periscope.

Fuck. Of course Taako was going to have to deal with this on his watch. The trouble always waited until Magnus was busy flexing somewhere else and Merle was off doing unspeakable things in the garden. 

“Someone, or something?” He asks. He tries not to let the weariness creep into his tone, but Taako’s so tired of this bullshit. First he got called in on his first day off in weeks… months? Who fucking knows any more; then he got zombie apocalypsed; and now everyone’s trying to eat him and not in the good way. Not that there’s any chance of boning down with anyone in the near future because he’s related to, or may as well be related to, everyone he knows is currently alive - well, apart from the peppy idiots on the radio who keep advertising their ‘zombie free wonderland’, but Taako doesn’t trust easily and whatever they’re selling seems too good to be true. 

“Cha’girl said what she said.” Lup doesn’t move away, just adjusts the scope.

“People?”

“Person, singular, a guy I think.” 

“Are you definitely sure he’s people?”

“Are you definitely sure you want to keep asking me?” Lup doesn’t pull her eyes away from the periscope, but she does give him the finger. It’s artful really, her spatial awareness is a thing of wonder.

Before he can think, Taako opens his mouth to pretend to bite it off, it’s reflex as much as anything, but he closes it gently, doesn’t snap his teeth. That bit is a lot less funny than it used to be. Watching a loved one nearly get chomped will do that for you.

“Can I see?” Taako asks instead of answering, he’s not going to do anything completely out of character like admitting fault.

“Hang on…” Lup turns the scope side to side. Fuck.”

“What?”

“Shush a minute.” Lup hisses.

Ah yes, telling Taako to shush, the thing that works every time. “What’s going on?”

“Shit! Run, dude, run” She mutters.

“Lup! What’s happening?”

“Biter.” She turns the scope slowly. “Two… At the moment. I don’t know if he’s seen them.”

“Do you want Taako to…?” Taako gestures at the ladder up to the harpoon gun.

Lup stays fixed to the scope but still manages to nod. “Be ready, see if he needs it. He’s by the unfortunately shaped hill, but he’s moving fast towards the tree that looks like it’s doing a high kick.”

Taako climbs up the ladder into the ramparts and pulls the shutter back from the slightly-wider-than-intended crenellation (thanks to Magnus’ enthusiasm). He zeroes in fast with Lup’s directions. There’s definitely two of them, if not more, lurking behind the dude as he walks. Taako hopes he’s aware of them. He could be, the guy’s walking with purpose. He’s glad, Taako hates dawdlers, not least because he used to be one by choice and now he has to zoom everywhere because he’d like to keep living actually please and thank you.

“You didn’t tell me he was hot!” Taako bellows down to Lup. A crime of the highest order, frankly, it’s been a while since Taako’s had anything good to look at and he could have been looking much faster.

“You can’t see him well enough to know if he’s hot or not, he’s too far away.” Lup yells back. 

The guy turns his head in their direction. It’s a nice face, a really nice face, that he’s working with there.

“See! Hot!” Taako refuses to let her get away with this on a technicality. He knew in his bones the guy was good looking, Lup should have too. He sticks his tongue out in her direction. She might not be able to see him, but she’ll know.

“He’s coming this way.” She shouts up.

“What?” Taako looks back, using the wildly inaccurate harpoon sights that Barry was definitely getting round to fixing (it was for the best he left them alone at this point, Taako automatically adjusted for it now.) Hot boy had changed trajectory and was heading their way. “But there’s… fuck!”

Taako slides the harpoon to the side, sees the biter who was lurking on the guy’s tail. Shit. It’s close, too close. He jumps up and bellows with everything in him. “Hey, hey handsome! Watch out!” He’s too hot to die. 

They make eye contact and this is it, this is the thing they wrote about, that they sing about, that’s on the TV. It’s electric, it’s perfect, it’s… 

“Run you absolute dickhead!” Lup bellows from beside Taako. He needs to get her a bell. “Stop staring at my idiot brother and run!” She elbows Taako and mutters. “Idiot.”

The man shakes out of it and glances round in time to see the biter on his tail. Taako hears the faint “Oh fuck!” on the wind as the guy starts running. Thankfully in the direction of the drawbridge. Shit. The drawbridge.

“We need to let him in.” Taako says, urgently.

“C’mon.” Lup’s already heading for the ladder.

Taako scrambles after her, slides down the ladder, and lands in a roll. He jumps up and does the ‘tah dah!’ arms, but Lup’s already gone. That’s fine, he can appreciate his own talents, he doesn’t need adoration from the masses or anything.

Lup yanks on the lever that releases the drawbridge and the portcullis raises at speed, narwhal horns raising up to hang like as many sharp teeth. They’ve saved them all a few times.

“Go go go!!!” Taako yells, hopefully encouragingly. He’s sure not going out there, but shouting he can do.

“I’m going to get my gun.” Lup mutters.

The man’s close, really close, when the zombie lurches out from behind the tree. Not high kick tree, it would never betray Taako like that, one of the bog standard ones. One of the ones he’s going to burn down because it just killed Taako’s new boyfriend. It’s fine, he’s allowed to get ahead of himself, this dude’s going to be nothing but a ‘what if’ now.

The zombie grabs the man’s arm and tries to bite his hand, the guy twists away, punches it in the face, gives it his best shot. Of course he does, he’s got something to live for, he’s trying to survive, trying to make it to Taako. The biter grabs his ankle and drags him to the floor.

Two spears take down the other zombies before they can reach the man and join the feast.

“I can’t get a clean shot.” Lup says mournfully beside him. She glances round, then walks carefully forward, spear gun raised.

“You have to stop doing that.” Taako hisses and steps along beside her. He’s trying to have a moment here, to give his dying future husband the reverence he deserves. They were going to adopt so many cats. It would have been beautiful. He’s not in the mood to be spooked.

“Counterpoint, you have to work on your awareness.” Lup nudges him.

“No need when I have you, sister mine! Taako’s all good.” He walks carefully beside her, remembers to step over the crack in the resin flagstones left after The Incident.

Lup does the face she does when he pretends he’s not training (he refuses to give up the possibility of being blase about the zombies, even if he’s been doing endless crunches, and parkour, and whatever other nonsense Lup and Magnus insist is going to save their lives, at night when no one’s watching. Well, apart from Agnes, but if he wants Taako to ever bake the cookies he likes again he’ll stay quiet.)

They’re close enough now to see that the zombie’s still gnashing, but the guy’s clearly fighting back. Maybe he’s not a goner yet?

“Maybe we can… you know, help?” Taako glances round and can’t see any others nearby.

“He might be infected… I guess I could…” Lup’s mouth tightens into a hard line.

“No! Don’t help him dead, like, help help!” Taako steps closer gingerly. As he gets into range of grabbing and pulling the biter off, it shudders and goes still. There’s no movement underneath it either. Of course. Brilliant, fucking brilliant. “Just Taako’s luck. The first hot guy cha’boy sees since the apocalypse apocalypsed, and he immediately gets himself chomped.”

Lup pats him sympathetically on the shoulder. “Next time ‘Ko”

“You think I’m hot?” The man asks, rolling the un-undead corpse unceremoniously to the side.

“Fuck!” Lup and Taako jump back as one.

“Stay there!” Lup aims the spear gun squarely at his head. “Did you get bit?”

“You have to tell us if you did, otherwise it’s entrapment.” Taako adds. Because why shouldn’t he have a little fun, honestly. He winks, so the guy knows Taako’s not going to be waving any spears at him… well unless he plays his cards right…

“Who enforces zombie entrapment law?” Hotboy asks as if he genuinely cares, as if he’s passionate about legal rights and wants to make sure the lawyer provided is up to the job. He probably does care. It’s the end of the world and Taako meets someone who’s hot and funny and willing to play legal zombism so of course Taako’s also going to have to put him down or, more likely, watch while Lup does it and try not to cry about it until he’s alone in bed later.

“You’re not allowed to distract us with legalese, that’s also entrapment, probably.” Taako adds authoritatively.

The man  smiles brightly in his direction. “I didn’t get bit.”

“Prove it.” Lup’s aim doesn’t waiver.

The man sighs. “My name’s Kravitz.”

“What does that prove?” Lup makes a ‘get on with it’ gesture with the gun.

“I usually like to make sure a guy knows my name before I strip in front of him.” He doesn’t break eye contact with Taako.

“Taako.” Taaok stares right back. He’s not a looking people in the eyes guy, but this? This is competitive looking, and if there’s anything Taako loves it’s winning.

“I’m Lup and this is gross, break it up right now!” Lup sounds genuinely disgusted. Good, honestly. He’s been living with her and Barold since this all started, he deserves at least a little revenge for his trouble.

“But you said…” Kravitz’s hands still on his leather jacket’s zip.

“I said prove you didn’t get bit. Like, show me your hands and arms and the bits that were actually anywhere near the dead guy. The medic can fully assess you after that.”

“Fine.” He shows her his hands and his collar bones, and his arms, they’re nice arms. “But what if I got bitten earlier?” 

“Did you?” Taako asks quickly.

“No. But I could have been and you wouldn’t know. Someone should check.” Kravitz glances at Taako.

“Cha’boy will do it. You know, to save you having to, Lu.”

“Uh huh, sure, yeah, a brave sacrifice. Now move it, both of you, I want to get the drawbridge up and the portcullis down.” Lup finally lowers the spear gun.

“Portcullis… So… uh… I did want to ask.” Kravitz begins gingerly as he walks across the bridge and into the castle.

“Uh huh.” Taako tries to look like he couldn’t possibly imagine what Kravitz is about to ask.

“I couldn’t help but notice…” Kravitz says gently, carefully.

“You noticed something?” Lup asks sweetly, as she begins to turn the crank.

“That you’re in a castle.” Kravitz finishes as the portcullis falls into place and the drawbridge is lifted.

“It’s not a castle!” Lup and Taako say as one.

“It’s not a castle?” Kravitz asks, warily eyeing the fish themed portcullis.

“It’s so much more, Kraveroo. Welcome to SeaBlaster, we’ve got fish, and the things you use to squish… them.” Taako does his best business smile, the one that they paid him slightly above minimum wage for, and does an adequate job of jazz hands (those didn’t come cheap.)

“It’s not really squishing though, is it?” Kravitz asks, like that’s the only problem with anything that’s happening right now.

“Hey, hey Kravitz, just to check, the only problem you have with the aquari-museum we now live in is the tagline not quite making sense because most of this stuff is used to stab and not squish?” 

“No!” Kravitz says indignantly. “Whales also aren’t fish. There’s no way the harpoon you were at was used on anything that wasn’t a marine mammal!” 

Lup snorts.

Taako groans. “You’ll get on well with Angles.”

“Who’s Angles?”

“Don’t worry about it.”

“But I…”

“Ssssh.” Taako pats Kravitz’s shoulder reassuringly. Plenty of time for that.

There’s a long beat of silence as Lup begins to stride back to the staff room. Or, well, the common room as they call it these days, it’s homier, apparently.

Taako inclines his head and Kravitz follows obediently. Good to know.

“So how long have you been here?” Kravitz asks, falling into step beside him.

“This doesn’t seem fair. You’ve already had a load of questions.” Taako looks at Kravitz and smiles, just to be sure he knows it’s a joke.

“You can ask some things.” Kravitz looks positively overjoyed at the prospect.

“How’d you kill it?” Taako asks. He didn’t hear a gun or anything.

“Er…” There’s a long pause.

Taako stops dead. “Kravitz?”

“No wait, it’s not weird.”

“If you have to say it’s not weird, Taako’s inclined to think it’s gonna be weird.”

“But I said it wasn’t!” Kravitz protests, as if that has ever worked.

“People are asking a lot of questions that my “the way I killed the zombie wasn’t weird” tshirt already answered… C’mon, just tell Taako.”

“Staked it.” Kravitz mutters.

“You fucking what now?” 

“I staked it.” Kravitz over-ennunciates, spitefully, Taako loves it. Can they keep him forever?

“My question stands.”

“I used a stake. I staked it.” Kravitz shrugs nonchalantly like that’s not completely ridiculous. “You use what very much looks like a historical whaling harpoon!” He adds, as if that’s relevant right now. He’s right though.

“You just…” Taako mimes stabbing Kravitz through the heart. It’s slightly more dramatic than it needs to be, sure, but how often does a guy get to go full Dracula-murder?

“Obviously not, that doesn’t work. I…” Kravitz steps towards him and mimes stabbing Taako through the eye. It brings them close, nearly touching close.

“Show cha’boy again? I missed it.” Taako leans forward.

Kravitz looks confused for a second, there’s a beat where Taako thinks he’s pushed his luck too far. Before he can apologise though, Kravitz is cradling the back of Taako’s head with one hand.

“Like this.” He says softly, barely a whisper, as he fuels whatever is crackling between them and brings his fake-stake wielding hand towards Taako’s eye.

“Urgh, quit it!” Lup yells back at them and flings the door to the common room open. “Taako’s got a…” the door swings blessedly shut before she can finish her sentence, but Taako can hear the chorus of questions immediately rumble up in response.

“Er…  you wanna shower? Before you, you know, meet the gang?” Taako gestures expansively at the door which is currently rattling. He can just about hear Magnus’ protests and mentally thanks Lup (or whoever it is) preventing him from barrelling into the hallway, hugging Kravitz to death and asking him a bajillion questions before without giving him a chance to answer. It’d still be better than Merle appearing though.

“You have one?” Kravitz sounds suspicious.

“Are you trying to say Taako smells?” Taako tries not to be offended, but it should be obvious to anyone he has a shower. The apocalypse has never looked so good!

“No!” Kravitz’s indignation is reassuring at least. “I just… It’s…” He peters out.

“Been a while?” Taako asks, giving Kravitz a deeply un-subtle once over.

“Not for lack of wanting.” Kravitz replies, and the want is palpable.

“Taako can definitely help you out there, handsome. Don’t you worry. If Kravitz wants, Kravitz can get.” Taako hopes he’s inflected exactly enough emphasis to be sure Kravitz knows which page they’re on. The sex page of the sex book. “It’s this way.” Taako leads Kravitz down the hallway and towards the stone staircase to the aquarium. They figured the geothermal heat would be good for bedroom temperature as well as the tropical fish. It was a solid bet. “So, how’d you end up with stakes?”

“Is that a fish tank?” Kravitz’s attention is immediately gone. He’s pressed to the tank and marvelling at the clownfish darting around and Taako hates each and every one of them because Kravitz should be looking at him instead.

“Taako wasn’t kidding about the ‘aquari’ bit in the welcome spiel, my dude. We’ve got fish, we’ve got historical fishing weaponry, and all of that comes with a ridiculous part fibreglass, part stone, largely fish themed castle. Buy now for the low low price of spending the rest of forever here, or at least until the bugs eat all the zombies to death or whatever.”

“I’m sold!” Kravitz says, worryingly enthusiastically, as he presses himself to the fish tank viewing window. It’s disgustingly adorable and Taako hates himself for the way his stomach clenches in the ‘going over a bumpy bit of road and loving it’ way.

“So… how’d you get the stake?” Taako refuses to be deterred from finding out.

“Whittled it.” Kravitz says too quickly. 

“Why?” Taako asks. There’s something here, there’s a string to pull at and he’s gonna.

“You know, end of the world.” Kravitz flaps his hand dismissively.

“C’mon. You can tell me, the shower’s just over here.” Taako opens the door to his quarters. Well. His ‘office’. They all just picked their favourite and took over. Taako’s is set a bit further away from the others and had a bathroom next door which is now an ensuite, because there’s not a chance in hell anyone’s coming back for this place after, and if they do they’re gonna be owed so much back pay that it wouldn’t be worth the counter-suit for the wages to try and make him repair the wall.

“Here’s the bathroom.” Taako nudges open the door and wishes that he’d spent literally any time cleaning his room in the last mmm… day…s…week… It’s fine. It’s the end of the world, you don’t have to be neat and tidy when humanity’s clinging on by a thread. Not that he was before, but Kravitz doesn’t need to know that. “And here’s a fresh towel.” He shoves one at Kravitz. 

“This smells like mint?” Kravitz says like Taako’s magic. Taako could get used to this level of adoration.

“It’s antimicrobial.” Taako says, because apparently apocalypse flirting is letting the guy you like know your towels don’t have diseases.

“But how did you get it?”

“Hydroponics.” 

“How did you…” Kravitz starts to ask. 

“Not questions for Taako. I deal in fish and harpoons, you’ll need Merle for garden questions and I can guarantee that he’ll answer with more detail than you want and you’ll regret it as much as everyone else does when they ask.

“I don’t mind getting to learn new thing.” Kravitz sounds worryingly interested.

“It’s not about the plants, well it is… but not, you know… in the way you want… it’s not about the things you want to…” Taako squinches his face up remembering The Onion Incident. He hasn’t cooked with them since.

“You’re making it sound like it’s a sex thing.” Kravitz laughs heartily, poor sweet fool. Taako’s silence clearly speaks volumes. “Wait… you mean…?”

“Anyway, here’s the shower.” Taako says quick, loud, and brokering no further vegetable sex questions. He refuses to let Merle ruin this for him. He points at it, just in case Kravitz somehow missed the cubicle, and starts to leave.

“Wait!” Kravitz says quickly. “You needed to check me out!” Kravitz grabs Taako’s arm as he turns away. “I mean… you know, for safety.”

“Well, if you insist.” Taako steps inside and closes the door behind him. “For safety, of course.” 

“Of course.” Kravitz says smooth as butter. Then immediately fumbles his zip in a rush to get his jacket off.

“You okay there, Kemosabe?” Taako tries not to laugh.

“I’m fine!” Kravitz’s voice has the slightest hint of desperation. “Absolutely fine. I’m trying to get naked in front of the most handsome man I think I’ve possibly ever laid eyes on, which is, may I say, an achievement at the end of the world as we know it, I knew guys who had access to, you know, stuff.”

“Ah, stuff.” Taako says wisely, trying very hard not to flick his hair dramatically and show Kravitz just how correct he is.

“Stuff.” Kravitz continues. Tugging at his zip again. “... and now I can’t get out of…” he gives a dramatic wiggle “...this stupid…”

“Let me.” Taako steps forward. “Taako can look after you.” He looks Kravitz dead in the eyes as he slides the zip down slowly, and thanks fate that it actually works. He probably could have dragged the jacket up over Kravitz’s head, but this way is so much better, this way means Kravitz is looking at him like he wants to eat him - in the good way. The good good way.

“Thank you.” Kravitz says, close, very close. Close enough for Taako to breathe him in and…

“Wait… shit. Hang on. Is that <i>garlic</i>???” Taako immediately abandons all thought of getting off, because if this is what he thinks…

“Er… I can expl…”

Taako pats at Kravitz’s chest. “There!” He thrusts his hand into the jacket’s inside pocket, hopes he’s right, he’s rewarded with a tight white bulb.

Garlic! It had been months, months, since Lucretia overwatered his stash and killed the last hope for flavour. He still hadn’t forgiven her. “I could kiss you.”

“You can if you want.” Kravitz looks so earnest, so hopeful, that Taako does, presses his lips firmly to Kravitz’s, brokering no room for confusion. He wants this, he means this. It’s intended as a quick thing, a temptation, but the way Kravitz melts into it though, the way he pushes himself forward into Taako, it’s delicious, it’s intoxicating, it’s… deeply uncomfortable.

Taako pulls back. “How much stuff have you got in here?” He flicks the jacket, then his hands are on the buttons of Kravitz’s shirt, working away, before Kravitz can reply. “Why is this cross so massive? It really digs in.” Taako lifts the ridiculously sized, heavy, solid silver cross that’s hanging round Kravitz’s neck and lets it drop again. Maybe he loves Jesus? Although he also seems pretty into boning before marriage… hmm.

“Er…”

Taako pulls Kravitz’s jacket open to reveal a series of inside pockets full of stakes. “How many of these did you make?”

“I… uh… Look, Taako.”

Taako reaches into the external chest pocket and pulls out a vial of clear liquid. “Small water bottle, my guy. Couldn’t find anything else to drink from? Glass doesn’t seem practical.” Taako narrows his eyes. 

“It’s…” Kravitz looks panicked. Taako should have known he was too good to be true. “It’s good for the environment…” 

Taako raises an eyebrow at him.

“...and also It’s a back up.” Kravitz smiles, winningly. It doesn’t work.

“Why do you have so many of them?” Taako pats at his pockets again. “Wait, is this more garlic?” It is… four more bulbs. Kravitz leans in as if he thinks Taako’s going to kiss him again. He does, obviously, because garlic at the end of the world is garlic at the end of the world, and it would be rude not to.

It’s distracting, the kissing, he definitely means to ask more questions, but also Kravitz is so handsome, and so… there. It’s been a long time. Taako pushes the jacket off Kravitz’s shoulders, it lands, loudly, but means it’s much more comfortable this time when Kravitz pushes his chest against Taako’s. It’s only natural that Taako slides his arm to Kravitz’s back, pulling him closer. The noise Kravitz makes when he does it tells Taako he’s just as desperate for this, for connection, for the press of bodies, for hot breath and moaning in a context unrelated to someone who’s recently dead and trying to bite your face off.

Taako drops his hand lower… “Kravitz, what the fuck?” Taako steps back, holding the stake tucked into his back pocket.

Kravitz sighs, heavily. “If I tell you, can we keep doing that?” He gestures between them in what Taako assumes is supposed to be an approximation of the heavy petting he’d very much like to get back to.

Taako raises an eyebrow.

“It’s not weird!” Kravitz protests too much.

“We’ve talked about this. Remember? You’re making it sound weird again.”

Kravitz squinches his face up, then shrugs. “I’m a vampire hunter.”

“What?” Taako doesn’t even know where to start with this one. Usually he’s got words, he’s full of them, they’re happening without checking in with him first, but he’s bereft, devoid, left wanting. In multiple ways. Is being unhinged a deal breaker for him? Taako’s unhinged. At least the guy’s prepared, dedicated to his imaginary craft.

“So…I told you…” Kravitz’s face is inches from his again.

Taako’s tempted. Sorely tempted. But he should probably definitely ask at least two more questions so Lup doesn’t shout at him later.

He places his hand firmly on Kravitz’s chest and definitely doesn’t cop a feel in the process. “You’re a vampire hunter?” That’s one. Nearly back to hot-boy-make-out-session followed by maybe-moving-things-to-the-shower-if-it-goes-well time.

“Yes.”

“And you think vampires are real?” Taako asks as gently as possible.

Kravitz steps back this time. “Hang on. Wait. We’re in a zombie apocalypse!”

“Vampires aren’t zombies.” Taako says with confidence, there’s not too much he knows about zombies short of the whole ‘they don’t get back up if you harpoon them in the head’ thing, but that’s one of the other facts he’s got.

“Obviously not.” Kravitz says, like Taako’s stating the obvious.

There’s a moment of intense eye contact. Kravitz nods as if what he’s just said was in some way conclusive, point proving, debate winning.

“Exactly.” Taako says. Because yeah, zombies aren’t vampires. “Wrong kind of apocalypse.”

“I didn’t think it was a vampire apocalypse.” Kravitz looks indignant as if Taako’s being ridiculous here. “I’m familiar enough with biting to know what’s gone wrong here.” He gestures expansively to the whole of everything.

“Sure…” Taako’s lost again.

“I was a vampire hunter before the zombies happened.” Kravitz says, as if that’s the same as Taako’s Underwater Fun-gineer role. Taako’s clearly still looking at him blankly because he adds. “You can’t believe in zombies and not vampires! I bet you thought biters weren’t real before this too.” Kravitz had a point, a good one. Fine, Taako can believe all kinds of things for him.

“Did that… pay well?” There. Okay, maybe now he believes in vampires because a handsome man said they were real, but he asked three questions, three! Lup definitely can’t shout at him.

Kravitz levels him with a confused look. “I had a day job, Taako. It’s just that I also do this… did this. They’ve fucked off since, well…”

There’s a long pause while Taako processes. “So, just to clarify, you’re… you’re a vampire hunter without any vampires in a zombie apocalypse?” Taako tries really hard to keep his voice straight, he does. He’s unsuccessful. Wildly unsuccessful judging by the look on Kravitz’s face. It’s positively stony.

Taako tries desperately to choke the laughter back. “Just… one more time.” His voice is thicker than normal, but he thinks he just about manages to play it off as regular. “One more.” He adds.

“No.” Kravitz’s bottom lip does something dangerously close to pouting. Taako wants to pull it between his teeth, but he should probably ease off anything biting related right now.

“Go on.” Taako bats his eyelashes, he may as well go for broke.

Kravitz’s nose twitches. “Fine, fine! I’m a vampire hunter in a zombie apocalypse and all the vampires fucked off.” He says huffily.

Taako’s mouth quivers as he presses his lips together, but he can’t stop the snort that escapes. That’s it, there’s no hope, he’s howling, tears streaming down his face, doubled over and wheezing. “S… Sorry.” He gasps out. “I… Fuck. No… no vampires… zombies… wrong… wrong thing.”

“I guess…” Kravitz says slowly. “I guess when you think about it that way…” He lets out a small chuckle. “... it’s… it’s pretty funny.” And then Kravitz is laughing too and they’re leaning against each other, propping each other up as the ridiculousness washes over them. It’s stupid. It’s perfect. Taako’s going to keep him, he can definitely stay.

The laughter subsides, eventually. One of them stops and then they set each other off laughing again over and over again. Taako wants to pin the memory of it to his wall so he can look at it whenever he wants.

“Were there many, you know, before?” Taako’s curious. Why can’t vampires exist?

“Yes. Yes there were.” Kravitz’s face is stony again.

“But less when you…” Taako mimes staking Kravitz through the heart dramatically.

“Yes… Yes. Less when I…” Kravitz grabs Taako by the thighs, pins him to the wall, and pretends to drive a stake into him. 

Taako’s not unwrapping his legs from Kravitz’s waist any time soon. “Do it this way often?” He looks down at Kravitz and smiles as coyly as he can manage, which he’s assuming isn’t very.

Kravitz noses Taako’s chin. “Not really.” He presses a line of kisses across his jaw. “I was just showing off.”

“Speaking of showing.” Taako says, drawing his hands over Kravitz’s biceps, strong, good, very good. “I believe I was supposed to be checking you out.”

Kravitz looks puzzled for a second before he catches on. “Of course. Yes. Very important health and safety process. I’ll have to put you down.”

“I’ll live. Probably.” Taako sighs. Then decides he’s at least entitled to some aerial kisses while he’s up here. “Actually, wait no, hang on.” 

It’s good, it’s very good. It takes a while before Kravitz starts getting wobbly and Taako starts worrying about them collapsing into a pile of horny limbs because there’s no easy way to explain those injuries. He taps Kravitz’s back. “Okay. C’mon. Inspection time. I’ll warn you, I’m very thorough.”

Kravitz groans, and lets him down. “I wouldn’t expect anything less.”

Taako helps him out of the rest of his shirt, stops to give him some more kisses when another bulb of garlic rolls out. He helps to shuffle all the stakes onto the jacket so they stop rolling around the floor. He helps kiss Kravitz’s collar bones when they look lonely.

“Taako.” Kravitz hesitates, hands on the button of his fly.

“Uh huh?” Taako doesn’t even pretend to look him in the eye, surely they’re past that point now.

“I was thinking…” 

“Dangerous thing to do.” Taako lifts his eyes from Kravitz’s stomach and tries to focus on something that isn’t thinking about running his hands over it, grazing his nails through the hair there, kissing his way downwards.

“I have another safety concern.” He says, so earnestly.

“Uh huh?”

“How do I know you haven’t been bitten?” The corner of Kravitz’s mouth lifts as his eyebrows raise in challenge.

“You make a compelling point, handsome, I guess you’d better inspect me too.” Taako’s top is off before he’s finished talking.

[linesonscreens]

Stuff I watched in 2024 - DanDanDan (Episode 1)

What is it?

DanDanDan is an anime adaptation of the Shonen Jump manga of the same name by Yukinobu Tatsu. It’s about a girl who believes in ghosts (but not aliens) who teams up with a boy who believes in aliens (but not ghosts). I won’t spoil anything but many a shounen action fight ensues. 

It’s also horny. 

Like. SUPER horny. 

No, more horny than that.

Remember Kill La Kill? Around that level. Maybe even a bit more.

Things of Note:

Not only is the animation on this thing gorgeous, it’s stylish as hell. Something a lot of shonen anime confuse with just throwing a lot of cash at scene to make it move smoother.

Fast pacing and fantastic action scenes make this thing a breeze to watch. A lot of talent went into this at pretty much every level.

The characters are fantastic and I love them. Watching them interact is a joy and I’d love watching them do their thing even without the shonen action framework.

This would probably be my anime of the year IF THE HYPERSEXUALIZED MAIN CHARACTERS WEREN’T 16! ~flips a table~

Seriously! Why did this have to be about high school students!? The horniness itself would have been (mostly, sort of) fine if this was about people in their 20s. It wouldn’t even have changed the story all that much!

The show also uses the threat of rape (particularly towards the underage female lead) quite a bit to build stakes. I’m not sure exactly how I should feel about this considering the overall tone of the show and the way rapists tend to get punched through walls, but at the very least the topic isn't handled with sensitivity and care. Having read ahead a bit I can assure you that this problem does NOT get better.

I liked the cat dancing at the end.

(Please don’t think too hard about the unspeakable things that cat has done.)

Final Verdict:

A 10/10 show with some rather notable 1/10 flaws. It really is this decade’s Kill La Kill in that sense. I'm probably going to keep watching it because the good aspects really are just that good, but God damn does the show make that hard to justify. 

Can we please stop doing this shit, Japan? Putting an insane amount of effort into being horny on main can be so much fun, stop ruining it by making things weird. 

Stuff I’ve watched so far:

DanDanDan

Snoopy Presents: Welcome Home Franklin

Craig Before the Creek

Godspeed

Orion and the Dark.

Day Job

(Man, it's been a while since I've done one of these, hasn't it? I want to watch Robot Dreams next so hopefully that will be something I can be unambiguously positive about.)

[sluttypatrickstar]

i have suffered. i have received unspeakable brain trauma. i have read sentences that i simply cannot unread. that's right, it's time for my chaotic review of verity by colleen hoover!

now i wrote an actual, proper review of this book that used paragraphs and real grammar, but this is tumblr. you're getting the bullet points, you're getting the sweary words, you're getting the dissolution of my sanity.

there's a lot of graphic and disturbing content in this book, so if you're bothered by that kind of thing, it might be best not to read.

the plot:

so our narrator, lowen ashleiggghghghg, is hired by this guy jeremy crawford to finish his wife verity's thriller book series bcus verity was in a car accident and is now profoundly disabled (can't move, can't talk, needs regular care, etc.)

she needs verity's notes and somehow ends up living in verity's house so she can spend literally all day going through verity's office. the only believable part of this is that a writer could be so disorganised that you'd need full days to try and go through all of their stuff

for some context, jeremy is apparently brooding (though i see like, 0 evidence of this) over his wife's accident as well as the deaths of his twin daughters chastin and harper

in verity's office, lowen finds a manuscript that looks like it's verity's autobiography

verity's autobiography starts as overly detailed jeremy smut and oh my fucking god i mean overly detailed i wish i could GOUGE my fucking EYES out this is just BAD PORN this book is like 90% porn 10% no-plot

anyway as this autobiography goes on, lowen is like. holy shit. verity is cuckoo bananas. she is OBSESSED with jeremy. she does that patrick star thing of "what do you when i'm at work all day?" "wait for you to get back :(". she wants to be jezza's ONLY focus and resents her daughters for taking his focus away

like, she tries to plan out her pregnancy so that she'll gain as little weight as possible, but then she finds out they're twins and she's like omg im RUINED and tries to miscarry and abort them

after they're born, she has a premonition of her daughter harper killing her other daughter, chastin (the only daughter she likes, verity fucking hates her kids but randomly starts loving chastin). chastin does in fact die of anaphylactic shock when she's around 8 and verity blames harper

jeremy won't fuck verity because he's so sad about his daughter's death, and verity is not having this, but through some twisted logic she's like maybe he'll be all out of grief if another daughter dies! so she kills harper and stages it as a canoe accident

back to lowen, she's reading this autobiography at an absolute snail's pace (like 1 short chapter a day) while also living with Hot Dad Jeremy (she's into him, especially after reading all that Jeremy Porn), this is most of the book tbh . a series of weird things happen that convince her that verity is faking her disability

lowen is also 100% convinced that verity is PURE FUCKING EVIL from this autobiography

fast forward, jeremy and lowen hook up (surprised pikachu face)

and yes, verity was faking being disabled, where is her OSCAR for that METHOD ACTING that fooled the HOSPITAL the NURSES for MONTHS!!! she didnt even flinch when lowen tried to startle her by literally throwing something across the room. daniel day-lewis is SHAKING

lowen shows jeremy the autobiography and jeremy starts choking verity

lowen is like, stop! they'll know u did it! think of ur son, he'll be fatherless!

actually you should kill him by making her puke instead so they'll think she just aspirated on her own vomit ;)

so jeremy does that instead because that's totally the most sensible option to do in this particular scenario

7 month timeskip and all is great because EVIL verity is DEAD and now lowen and jeremy can be together forever and they even have a new baby on the way bcus jeremy came inside her no condom and apparently every woman in this book is insanely fertile and gets pregnant on the first try

TWIST TIME!!!

they go back to verity and jeremy's house to finish clearing out their stuff

but... lowen finds a note in verity's room...

verity claims that the autobiography was just a writing example to help her write from an antagonistic perspective (her thriller series is notably written from the villain's POV)

jeremy found the autobiography and tried to choke verity to death, but when that failed, he set up her car accident, after which verity decided she had to fake being disabled so she could run away with their living son crew and eventually explain everything

but this plan is an F bcus shes fuckin dead now isnt she

so much effort and for WHAT

the book leaves us with the fucking stupid dry ass cliché question of: WHICH WAS THE REAL VERITY? WHAT WERE THE LIES? WAS THE AUTOBIOGRAPHY REAL OR NOT? and actually i dont give a flying fuck i was just glad to be done

my thoughts

the characters in the book make the most ridiculous and nonsensical decisions and trust me i can say that for sure bcus i have never made a good decision in my life

in the opening chapters, lowen witnesses a car accident & is splattered with blood on the way to her publisher meeting

she encounters jeremy (tho she doesnt know who he is yet) and he takes her to the men's bathroom of a coffee shop to get cleaned up

lowen tAKES HER SHIRT OFF IN FRONT OF THIS ABSOLUTE STRANGER

i am trying to ignore this red flag maybe shes just confident

jeremy proceeds to lock the door to the men's bathroom so that no one else can come in, and lowen finds this comforting! how chivalrous of mr sexy man jeremy!

WHAT THE FUCK LOWEN? HOW IS THIS COMFORTING? I'D BE FUCKING. I'D BE PANICKING SO BAD I'D BE OUT THE DOOR

later in the book we find out that lowen has a chronic sleepwalking problem and can even open inside locks when she's sleepwalking

she broke her wrist sleepwalking when she was a kid so it's not really safe for her to be able to get out and about while sleepwalking

jeremy offers to install a lock on the outside of lowen's bedroom door, so that she can't leave her bedroom without him opening the outside lock for her

instead of finding this FUCKING TERRIFYING

she's Thrilled by his generosity! wow! isn;t jeremy so kind and thoughtful?

lowen! LOWEN!!! GIRL!!!!!!!!!

lucky for her jeremy is apparently a nice guy so jeremy's fucking weird actions are glossed over and theyre so nice arent they... haha...

dude i wanna know what the fuck jeremy has that women are literally OBSESSED with him. hes so bland. he has no personality. he's a cardboard cutout of a man but apparently he has good dick idk

lowen is so besotted with jeremy that she doesnt think it's bad that he tried to kill his wife twice and then succeeded on the third try

no! it's actually so sweet because it proves how much of a dedicated father he is! he thinks verity killed harper so by killing her he's just being such a good and protective dad haha! murder is okay

there was also just way too much sex in this book like i said it before but truly i cannot encapsulate how much of this book was sex. and in case u were wondering about the quality of the sex, 50 shades author EL james is in the acknowledgements of this book.

how are people giving this book 5 stars? it's fucking. it's laughably bad. the plot is so stupid. the characters are boring. no-one makes a single good decision. jeremy is white bread. it's like, really really bad. i really need to know if the straights giving this book 5 stars need help, therapy, or jesus. if u do, please blink SOS in morse code, i will come and get u.

everyone who has a superiority complex because they've never read a single CoHo book is correct . u guys are doing great

[nashidakyouko]

If We Have to Go ~ D'asta (D'arcy/Asta)~ Resident Alien

Also on Ao3

SPOILERS FOR S3 OF RESIDENT ALIEN.

Ship: D'arcy Bloom and Asta Twelvetrees.

Summary: This could be the end, but at least D'arcy and Asta were together. // Word count: ~1100 // Rating: T

AN: I inserted a scene before Harry shows up in the S3 finale because D'asta is underrated. Asta would have broken the universe to find D'arcy and I am HERE for it. Also this is a bit cheesy, but I wanted that delicious cheese.

-

The only thing that mattered now was that Asta had found her. Sure, everything else sucked something fierce—of course D'arcy fucked up sneaking a bomb onto a spaceship. But Asta was here now, holding D'arcy's hand through the bizarre, horizontal cell bars. Guess the hand-holding sitch was a mixed bag, too, since it meant they were in an actual alien prison—or would it be a brig?—and they were still probably going to die.

They were definitely going to die.

And then everyone on Earth was going to die, too.

The shit-uation was about the worst D'arcy had ever been in. Alien brig, end of the world, freak that wanted to eat them. His ominous, creep-tastic presence had put the slightest damper on D'arcy's mood. She'd been thinking they were going to live somehow. Not so much with people-eater salivating over there.

But if they had to die, she was unspeakably grateful that she'd be with Asta in the end. D'arcy's grip tightened just enough that Asta gave her a quizzical look. Instead of asking what was on D'arcy's mind, Asta squeezed back while raising an eyebrow. A nervous little smile played at the corners of her lips.

After a long moment, D'arcy let out a defeated sigh. “If I have to go out, I hope you're the last thing I see. Don't know how these little alien shits are gonna kill us, but as long as I'm seeing you—not them—I think that'll be enough. I mean, just barely. This still royally sucks and I don't think I could've fucked up worse. But seriously, I meant it earlier. I just love you. It's better just 'cause you're here, y'know?”

Asta stared with eyes both wide and soft, pushing herself away just a bit from the bars. “Yeah, I do know. I hate that it came to this. I hate that you tried to do this alone. But I was afraid I'd never see you again, so at least I did get to hear that laugh one more time.” Her smile was shy, yet brilliant. “Circumstances being what they are, I'll take the win...” She looked away, pensive for a while. “Even if they separate us to kill us, don't look at them. Close your eyes and think of me. I mean, if you think that would help.” Embarrassed, Asta began to pull her hand away.

D'arcy held fast. “Same to you. If we have to go out like this...” She shook her head. “... I'm sorry about all this, Asta.”

“You aren't one of the grey aliens bent on destroying the planet—unless you've really kept it close to the chest—so there's not much point in you apologizing... Though it is true you fucked up by trying to do this alone, and I am still a little mad about it.” Asta grinned. “Well, I guess that means you do have to apologize, huh? But what I mean is that if we die, none of that will matter anyway. I want us to be okay in the end. Always.”

The Mantid in the nearby cell spat loudly, clearly annoyed at the sappy conversation happening between these dumb, delectable humans. He just wanted to eat them already. Twin glares zeroed in on him. He took a step back and decided that these two might be a bigger threat than he initially thought. For now, other prey was the best choice. He scurried away in a hurry.

Asta cackled as he fled. “He ruined the moment for sure, but damn, at least we could scare the shit out of one alien tonight.”

D'arcy, however, got caught on that first part. “Moment?”

“I mean, yeah? Our beautiful moment of reconciliation before our inevitable deaths?”

D'arcy looked sharply away, wrenching her hand from Asta's. “O-oh, yeah. That kind of moment.”

“Of course? What did you think I meant, D'arce?” To say Asta was perplexed by D'arcy's sudden change was an understatement.

“Oh, nothing! We're totally and completely on the same page. Beautiful reconciliation. Same page, same page. We did great on that one! Good for us!” The wild gesticulating of D'arcy's hands and the edge of panic in her voice betrayed her words, but didn't necessarily clarify anything for Asta.

“Why are you being weird all of a sudden?” Asta tried repeatedly to catch D'arcy's eye, but the redhead steadfastly avoided her gaze. “C'mon, if you've got something to say, this is probably the last chance you'll ever have to say it.” As she spoke, Asta's mouth went bone dry.

Shit, the same thing applied to her. Last chance. Maybe Harry would save them, but this could be the last chance. That also meant the last chance to screw things up so bad that D'arcy might kind of hate her in the end. So which was more unacceptable? Missing the last chance to tell her, or risking her being upset about it?

Her brain short-circuited, leaving her staring into the middle distance with her hand half-way reaching to the person dearest to her in all the world (in a different way than Jay, of course, but that wasn't the point right now).

D'arcy didn't notice, but that was mostly because she still wouldn't look directly at Asta. She'd tried to say her piece earlier. Couched it in potentially platonic words or whatever, but she'd told Asta, hadn't she? She'd even told her again! But both times seemed to fly right over her best friend's gorgeous, perfect, amazing, and very stupid head.

The two of them sat in contemplative silence for far too long. When they finally looked at each other, the world faded away again. The only thing that mattered now was that their eyes met. Sure, everything else was truly some bullshit they were in. But their eyes still met.

There wasn't enough space between the cell bars to properly do what had to be done.

That didn't stop them from trying.

Hands tangled together again as they drew close to those damned bars. Yeah, there was just barely enough space to do one very important thing.

So together they leaned in and kissed.

The cold, slick bars of the cell pushed against their cheeks, but who even cared anymore?

The words were still stuck in their throats, but right now this mattered more.

They finally managed to meet in the middle.

Please don't let this be the only time. I don't want to have to go.

--

AN: Thanks for reading!

Also for the love of god, if you like this ship let your feelings be known SOMEWHERE. I'm so sad how little stuff there is for them. I mean, even my straight mother has repeatedly said they should be canon, so where are the other fans??

DISCLAIMER: I obviously do not own Resident Alien but I'm Fandom Old and feel compelled to still use a disclaimer.

I DO claim naming the ship D'asta. I haven't seen anyone really give it a name and that one is sitting RIGHT THERE.

(can y'all believe I posted something after 3.5 years and it ISN'T in the Avatarverse? Truly wild)

[nabibeans]

Save you

However, he soon meets Seonghwa, his brother’s Neighbor. Seonghwa wants to save Hongjoong from his past, but Hongjoong isn’t so sure he can be.

TW//: Blood, violence, drug usage (weed), underage drinking ( HJ is 18) , self harm scars, physical and verbal abuse mentioned in the past, sexual assault mentioned.

Chapter 1: new beginnings

Hongjoong was finally getting out of there. Out of the childhood home he’d been beaten and abused in. It felt surreal, that he’d finally be away from his mother and father; his mother who had done everything she could to kill him and failed every time, his father that forced him to strip naked and do unspeakable things. It had driven Hongjoong to the point of using drugs and alcohol to cope. Sneaking out late at night with his friends to drink his pain away, only to be stumbling home at 5 in the morning and vomiting every few minutes. Realistically he still smoked and drank, though Bumjoong would more than likely ask him to stop under his roof.

“Hey, you ready to go? I want to get you out before they come home.”

Hongjoong looked at his brother, Bumjoong was both a mixture of paranoid and angry at the moment; angry his parents had made his little brother’s life a living hell, paranoid they’d arrive home any moment to see the brothers fleeing.

“Yeah I am, trust me I want out as bad as you do. I can’t believe it’s finally happening.”

Hongjoong grabbed his bag, throwing it over his shoulder. The two brothers made their way to the car, leaving as fast as possible.

“I got you a new phone, mom and dad will probably shut yours off once they find out you’re gone. Sorry I couldn’t transfer your phone number like I promise.”

Hongjoong shook his head, looking down at the cracked iPhone XR in his hand. The screen was still readable, but it was clear it needed put out of its misery.

“It’s okay hyung, I’m sure my contacts will transfer with my iCloud. I’ll probably just toss this old thing anyway.”

Bumjoong smiled, ruffling his brothers hair as he drove.

“You wanted the pink one right? You’re lucky they had one left in stock when I went.”

Hongjoong nodded with a smile across his face, Bumjoong had promised him that as soon as he was out of his parents house he’d buy him the not so new iPhone 15; he had kept his word unlike his parents.

“Seriously!? You’re the best bro!”

The brothers spent the rest of the drive to Bumjoong’s apartment chatting about how things would go from now on. Hongjoong already had a job lined up he’d start in a week, he’d look into colleges with his scholarships he had, he’d also be closer to his online friends. Bumjoong suggested meeting them in person and hanging out while he gets settled. Arriving at the apartment Hongjoong’s jaw dropped, this place was nice; way nicer than he was used to.

“Holy shit- bro this is insane! You live here!?”

Bumjoong chuckled, ruffling Hongjoong’s long hair.

“I do, the receptionist is very kind. They’re trans like you.”

Hongjoong smiled at that, he’d transitioned in such an unsafe environment. Been forced to have sex with men just so his mother could keep calling him her daughter. Nausea bubbled up in his stomach that he quickly swallowed down. His asexuality had stemmed from that trauma, now sex disgusted him; he didn’t want any part in it.

“That makes me happy, though I’m mostly excited to have an actual bed to sleep on. And a proper shower, food.”

His life at his parent’s house had been rough. He’d be starved, forced to sleep on the floor or outside on the porch like a dog, he doesn’t even remember the last time he actually showered since graduating. Bumjoong laughed and nodded,

“How about you go shower, you do stink. I’ll have the movers bring your stuff up. It’s the third floor, door has 24 on it.”

Hongjoong nodded heading into the apartment complex. It was nice, far nicer than anything he’d ever had. The elevator dinged open , a few people walking out allowing Hongjoong to slip in. Pressing the button to the third floor he removed the jacket he’d been wearing. Dark red, pink, and white scars ran up his arms. A grim reminder of all the times he’d tried to harm himself to escape his parents torments, the times he’d been hospitalized for bleeding too much. That wasn’t going to happen anymore, he wouldn’t cut himself anymore. He was going to be clean. From cutting, drugs, alcohol. All of it.

The elevator opened, allowing the boy to walk to the apartment his brother had said and opened the door. It was a rather large apartment, the kitchen was spacious, the living room as well. He’d explore later, right now a warm shower was calling his name. Entering the bathroom Hongjoong eagerly turned on the water and stripped his dirty clothes, no amount of soap would be able to get the alcohol and weed smell out of them; he’d just toss them since Bumjoong bought him all new clothes. Stepping under the spray of the shower Hongjoong moaned in relief. The hot water washing weeks of dirt off his skin, even some old blood he hadn’t realized was there. It felt nice to finally have a shower, to get all the grime off his skin, finally be clean.

Once he finished in the shower Hongjoong looked at himself in the mirror. His tan skin now clean and glowing, his chest looked better too, the scars from his top surgery faded more than he’d originally thought.

“I actually look like…a person.”

He touched his face, there were a few pimples but nothing he couldn’t get rid of with his skin care products.

“Wow is that my little brother? What happened to that dirty little gremlin.”

Bumjoong was holding clean clothes for the younger, a smile on his face.

“I’m still a gremlin don’t worry. Just a clean one now. Fuck it feels amazing to actually be clean!”

Taking the clothes Hongjoong quickly began to get dressed, the clothes fit nicely; he would definitely be making the shirt into a crop top though. Once he was dressed he helped Bumjoong move in the rest of his stuff, once all the boxes were inside Bumjoong helped set up his new phone. Transferring all the data and ultimately deciding to get rid of the old one so Hongjoong would be safer and couldn’t be tracked.

“Okay, I have to go to work now. So the place is yours until midnight, you can order food with my debit card; don’t talk to strangers.”

Bumjoong ruffled the boys hair. Hongjoong nodded, already comfortable on the couch and wrapped up in a blanket. Since Bumjoong was a nurse he worked long hours, meaning Hongjoong would be alone more often than not.

“Okay, I’ll probably take a nap. Love you, see you later.”

Bumjoong kissed his brother’s cheek then left the apartment. The only sound being the air conditioning and the tv playing some drama Bumjoong had been watching earlier. It was nice, not having to worry about getting hit or assaulted. Hongjoong curled up on the couch, texting his friends in the group chat they had on discord.

Joongie💕: I’m finally out of my parent’s place and in Seoul. I’ll get to see you guys more now, this apartment is nice! I actually got to take a shower and eat proper food, have an actual drink. I’m gonna get used to this fast.

Youngie 🐈‍⬛: AHHHH IM SO EXCITED FOR YOU JOONG! You deserved this!

Putting his phone down Hongjoong curled up and drifted to sleep on the couch.

•

It was around 8pm when Hongjoong finally woke up, ordering food and changed into a cropped tank top and shorts to go to bed in after he ate. The apartment was now illuminated with led lights that turned on automatically, there were even some in Hongjoong’s bedroom that really made it feel cozy. A knock on the door came a few moments later, the small boy moved to open the door and grab his food. At the same time the neighbor opened theirs, for the same reason it seemed. The two made eye contact across the hall, Hongjoong’s cheeks heated up.

The man looking back at him looked to be a tiny bit older than him, maybe 19 or 20; long black hair was tied into a ponytail. He had peircings, an eyebrow and industrial. Hongjoong had them too, his ears, septum, and belly button. This guy, was exactly Hongjoong’s type.

“Oh hello! You must be Bumjoong’s little brother, I’m Seonghwa nice to meet you. I’m 20, I’ll be a freshman in college this August.”

The stranger, Seonghwa; held out his hand to Hongjoong who shook it.

“I’m Hongjoong, I’m 18. I’m going to college too, and I’m gay- I mean no not gay, actually I am gay but…aish!”

Hongjoong blushed while Seongwha laughed.

“I’m gay too, it’s okay. You’re very cute Hongjoong I hope I see you more. Do you have KakaoTalk?”

Hongjoong nodded, taking out his phone so they could exchange kakao IDs.

“I hope I get to see you more too Seongwha, sorry for being weird.”

Seonghwa shook his head, “I like weird. I hope you have a good night.”

Hongjoong watched as Seonghwa grabbed his food and entered the apartment across the hall, waving to the smaller boy as he closed the door. Grabbing his own food and walking to his bedroom Hongjoong immediately opened his chat logs on discord.

Joongie💕: cute boy alert! Really cute boy! And I totally fucked up and said I was gay and embarrassed myself! I have his KakaoTalk though! So I’m excited to get to know him.

Sitting on his bed Hongjoong began to eat his food while turning on an anime he’d been watching. This was the start of something better, especially if there was a cute boy only a door away.

[dont-look-me-in-the-eye]

6. what is something that you’ve always wanted to do but have never been able to do?

so, before i answer this, you'll probably need some context.

2013 was the worst year of my life. i'm not sure why exactly. i think it was a combination of a couple factors. i was a kid, bad shit happened around that time, i couldn't speak english, whatever. it doesn't really matter, you just have to know that 2014 was the worst year of my life. i could answer this question straight-forwardly, but i'm a tricky bastard who likes telling stories. this one is true, though, and i've been trying to get better at telling true stories, rather than ones where the truth is filtered through at least 3 different running jokes i have with myself to prevent an ounce of genuine thought coming out of my head, because vulnerability scares me. what was i saying again? oh yeah. lemme start at the beginning;

i wasn't really the type of kid to play. i mean, i did mess around with a monster truck that my cousin left at our house, i had a little wind-up spiderman four-wheeled motorcycle (with no spiderman in sight, btw. i don't know what happened to him), and i enjoyed making up elaborate torture stories involving princess dolls and a few action figures we had laying around. but i didn't really play. playing like that was a chore.

i was, well, to put it a better way, annoying. i was the kind of kid to ask why a billion times until - actually, i don't remember. my memory of that time period is foggy. the point is, we were annoying.

so, when i learned to read, that was a trip, right. like, an entire world in your hands. someone who knew me back then would say that i was a bookworm. i'm not. reading is also a chore. but i got very good at looking like it was not.

fast-forward to around 2020ish. ah yes. the Unspeakable Years. when we got here, it's just... an eternity of 'meh'. nothing to do but to lounge around, wake up late, sit in a chair all day for school, blah blah, blah blah blah. not the worst years of my life, but the most... painful. because i wasn't really learning anything, and that makes me miserable. it also took almost four years to recover from.

anyways, going back again, at some point my parents got annoyed with me and decided to propose other avenues for information other than them. enter: the library. we went almost every day. we got most of our dvds from there. it's trashy and actually inside of a tiny school that most people avoid sending their children to, right next to a train station so it rumbles every twenty or so minutes, and has quite a limited amount of titles, so if you ask if they have a specific book, chances are, they don't. i still think it's the best place in the world.

when i say i didn't learn anything, i did, actually, but i didn't find a puzzle, anymore. i can't solve what's not there. it was just - gone. devastating. blank. nothing.

you know, i didn't play that much, but i used to entertain myself by staring at a wall and furiously contemplating questions. like why do things bounce and how does a pen work? it took taking apart a few pens to figure that one out. there's a satisfaction in discovering elegant solutions to mundane problems.

2013. 12? 15? it doesn't matter. you are sitting with me, as i am now, in our old house. ignore the police sirens. we are... outside. backyard, on the porch. it's nice. the sun is setting. have you ever wondered why the sky turns different colors when it sets? it's because of how fast different colors travel on the visible spectrum - ah. you're bored. let's go inside, we've seen this a billion times. we're in the kitchen. if you listen closely, you can hear a child pleading upstairs. ignore that, that's me. you can guess what's happening, i'm not gonna tell you.

i love reading. well, no, i don't like reading, i like hearing stories, i like learning new things. i find that i know a bit more than most kids my age. a little too much more.

let's go to me a few weeks ago. i'm sitting in the garage, new house. much bigger, sirens only a few times a month. even less. i'm staring at the floor, trying to understand derivatives because what the fuck. this is a common theme in my life. now i am pacing around the room, assigning objects random values, trying to - well, you get the point.

i always wanted to understand. pain, pleasure, mechanics, everything. i always wanted to understand everything. yeah. it'll never happen. everything is too broad, and while infinity does not exist as a number, it is a very real adjective. a mere speck like me on a slightly bigger bluer speck like earth could never understand everything.

but goddamnit, i'm a tricky bastard and i'll be fucked if i never try.

[lanafofana]

Nah cause can you imagine being at the same dead end job for like eternity and every day it’s the same thing over and over, nothing exciting ever happens, like the vibes are dead, but who even cares like honestly whatever, and then you start this project and you gotta learn about this crazy son-of-a-gun and you do it cause it’s your job and you may not have anything going on in your life so what can you do but go absolutely hard at your job– so you do!

You go crazy hard at your job and you’re a goddamn expert on this guy; he’s nuts, he’s wildin’, he's a big fat capital T for Trouble, mischievous god of absolute trickery and you kinda dig it right? I mean how can you not your life is the exact opposite of this guy's entire vibe you know? So yeah you’re kind of a big fan but it’s no biggie cause you’re a real professional, by the books, know-your-shit kinda guy and then the next thing you know you’re meeting him and that’s something wild right?

Like, he was exactly how you imagined, better even, you know this guy better than the back of your hand and then you meet and…I mean right? Who saw that coming? Everything moves faster, everything moves, when he’s around and your world spins and suddenly you’re not empty or dead inside at all it’s like you’re finally awake and everything is so real and sharp, you think it wouldn’t take much to cut and bleed out from it all, which is weird, because at the same time you actually feel like a piece has slotted into place and how is this a thing that happens to you with him but then as fast as you get it, faster than you had it, faster than you can unravel, faster than you can catch, faster than you can stop, he’s…gone.

For you.

For everyone.

You knew he had it in him, obviously, I mean you knew he was magnificent, you knew him and that’s….such a small consolation for the yawning emptiness of him next to you, the black hole, the fragment of displaced time that sits in your chest, heavy with memory and regret and love and hope and despair and sometimes you just sit and let the seconds drag into each other and imagine him there, between the folds and mysterious spaces of time, upon his eternal throne and within the ponderous trawl of unfettered infinity and you don’t actually know, or care, if it’s worship, or prayer, or self pity because it’s all you have left like seeing stars in your eyes long after a traumatic head injury, or a nuclear winter after unspeakable destruction, like glittering dust from a passing comet.

Like, can you just imagine. 

[spidermans-l-o-v-e-r]

Bantha Blues

Since when can I make up this many titles I’m just SAYING this is rare. Im also making another batch of pumpkin cookies so hit me up if you want the recipe link

Pairing: Din Djarin x reader

Word count: this is just for fun now

Notes: Are we just going to all continuously call him Din when his name is Djarin. How do you get so much sass into one helmet.

⭐️Day 18: Mutual Masturbation⭐️

Landing on Nevarro was the best thing that had happened all week. Grogu was the cutest baby in all of the galaxy…. But he was also a little shit. He had been a menace all week and you hadn’t gotten one minute to yourself. Even when Din had offered to take the little tyrant for the night, mister had a cold was only comfortable in your arms.

Cara met you both out at the razor crest, picking up Grogu before he’d even had the chance to get off the ramp. She hugged him to her chest and smiled.

“How’s my little buddy doing?” She held him on her hip as she looked you over, smirking at your slightly disheveled look.

“You don’t mind? Mando, if someone has a little sleepover with me do you?”

You love him to death but you can’t shove her in the direction of her home fast enough, she laughs as she leaves, telling you both she’s expecting you for dinner.

“I have business at the High Magistrates office.” Din turns to you, tilting his head. “Will you be okay on your own?”

“Oh trust me I will be absolutely fine, perfect even.” You start to back up the ramp and back into the hull

“ I’ll comm you if I need you okay?”

He nods to you and leaves, shutting the door behind him. The lights turn on automatically and you spin around dramatically, flopping down onto the fluffy bedroll you’d been hoarding blankets for from various planets, it was time for a long and much needed nap. You shut off the lights and curled up under the covers.

You wake up a couple hours later, stretching out slowly. Everything seemed to be just as it was before you fell asleep. You snuggled deep into your covers, slowly running your fingers over your body… you’d had an interesting dream, a nice one. It involved a certain Beskar clad warrior, doing unspeakable things between your legs. Your imagination filled in the blanks and it was quite pleasant. But it left you feeling a certain type of way. You opened up the blankets letting the cool air hit your body, you’d stripped down to just an oversized tshirt for bed and whilst it wasn’t very practical it was about luxury right now not practicality. You lifted your hips and dramatically threw your panties aside. It was so rare you had a moment like this alone, most times it was just a quick moment in the fresher while Din was taking care of Grogu, but this? This was going to be good.

You pulled up your shirt and cupped your breasts, squeezing them and massaging them gently. Sighing softly you teased your nipples as the cool air made them hard. You slid your hand slowly down to your heated core, that dream giving you more than enough ammo to get off with. Your breath shuddered as you started to rub your clit, your back arching a bit.

You started to sink your fingers into you moaning Din’s name softly when the fresher door opened, Din walked out and froze in his tracks, his gloves in his hand. You screamed and covered your body, hiding under the covers

“When the fuck did you get back!” You shout from under the covers. He doesn’t say anything, and you peek your head out. He’s still frozen in his spot. You groan loudly and slam your head into the pillows.

“Nevarro to Din??? Do you copy?” You looked at him, taking in the warm tanned skin of his hands. It was the first real human part you’d seen of him. No gloves no Beskar….just brown skin. You were stuck staring as well. A couple minutes past, neither of you saying a thing.

“What were you doing” his voice comes out a bit strained, out of breath too. You roll your eyes, finally tearing away from those gorgeous hands. His fingers were so long and delicate, the veins on his hands running along them. You could feel your pussy jump at the thought of them inside you.

“I think you know what I was doing… I didn’t- I’m sorry I didn’t realize you had come back. Why didn’t you wake me?”

“Why would I… you’ve had your hands full I just. I wanted to make sure you slept. You deserve it.”

Your heart melted a bit for him. He finally moved, leaning against the wall of the hull closest to him. He looked the other direction .

“I heard you calling for me- I thought. Fuck I thought something was wrong I wouldn’t- I would have stayed in there until you’d fallen back asleep or something had I known…”

“You heard me?” Your cheeks feel flush as your eyes widen, you stare up at him from the blankets and he looks down at you. He walks over and crouches down to your height, his hand reaches out and tucks a curl behind your ear.

“Yeah… I heard you.” He pulls the blanket back, revealing your bare legs. You stare into the dark t-visor blinking slowly.

“You don’t have to stop.” He tells you “you deserve to relax.. have..have some time to yourself.”

You watch as the helmet tilts down to your legs, you squeeze them together slightly and scoot closer to him.

“Why were you out of breath?” You ask as you get on your knees, pushing him gently onto his butt. His hands go to your waist and he holds you there, staring. Or at least you think he is.

“I needed time to myself”

Your hand drops back down to your hot wet cunt, you slide your fingers between your slick lips and start to pump your fingers in and out in front of him, you sit back against the pillows and open your legs wide for him to see. He stares at you, unmoving for a minute his helmet tilted down to look between your legs, he slowly unzips his pants, pulling out his cock.

Your hand freezes as you stare, he’s big for makers sake that man is huge. He tilts his head again, almost teasing you as you feel your pussy jump, almost gushing at the site of him. You know that helmet can definitely pick up the extra wetness down there. He nods at your hand and you start going again, pumping your fingers in faster. He strokes his cock slowly listening to the wet sloppy noises of your fingers. You watch him stroking, you’re not even sure your hand would fit around it, actually you’re really sure it wouldn’t. You bite your lip harshly as he rubs his cock a bit faster, his tip leaking with precum he uses it to lube up his cock as he keeps going.

You moan softly, your fingers working with his hand both of you egging each other on. You scoot a bit closer to him and his head falls back for a moment, you hear a light breathy moan through his vocoder sending shivers down his spine.

“Oh fuck Din” you gasps as your eyes roll back in your head. You hear his hand going faster over his cock as you cum on your fingers. You lay your fingers flat against your clit and rub it back and forth, moaning and wriggling in the blankets as your hips buck up. Your body shivers as you come down, you look over to see Din on his knees, pumping his cock. You immediately open your legs again, panting and soaked.

“On me? Please?” You beg breathlessly and it’s all he needs, thick hot ropes of cum splatter over your thighs and pussy. You use his cum and rub it over your aching clit, groaning at the overstimulation. He plops back down on the floor, watching you get off again using the cum on your body.

“Fuck Y/N.” His voice is hoarse as he slowly pumps his cock, getting every last drop out. “Fuck that was hot.”

You lay in the blankets, naked and panting you aren’t really sure when your shirt came off. Din stands up on shakey legs and reaches his hand out to you.

“We need to get you cleaned up” he says as he helps you up and shuts off the lights to the hull, your legs are complete jello as he supports you into the fresher. He doesn’t turn on the lights as you both go in.

“T-together?” You ask, as you hear a distinct hiss from the doorway.

“Together” comes his rich velvety voice.

[blogtaculous]

I read The Deep by Nick Cutter and I have some thoughts. I’m also going to spoil the shit out of the whole thing.

The first 100 pages are almost sublime. I couldn’t read fast enough. The world literally falling apart from the seams from the disease feels so real. People are just losing the ability to be human and everyone else is trying to carry on like normal. It feels eerily prescient considering it was published years before the same thing would happen during the first heights of Covid-19. The Disease itself is very cool, and only teased at (eventually it’s revealed that it’s basically Colony Collapse Disorder in humans, but the cause and transmission are not explained), but for the first 100 or so pages it feels like it’s going to be a dynamite reveal (it won’t be) and it’s so exciting.

The characters are interesting and the conflicts as initially presented are memorable and even fun. The terror of the deepest depths is so visceral, and the backstory lore teases are well done.

Unfortunately, it fucking unravels fast.

The things I liked:

- Luke’s son vanishes and has not been seen for years. It’s spooky and haunting, a parent’s worst nightmare. The conflicts that arise from that aftermath feel grounded and it is a good bedrock of terror that’s much more real than, say, being 8 miles underwater and having hallucinations.

- Luke’s mom is evil, and at the start she truly feels like the actual antagonist, the 11th hour see, she was the real horror all along, and the delight she takes in being awful was good. She sucks but it made for good reading. This will change later.

- The technical details feel grounded enough to make you think that a research base in the Mariana Trench could be possible. The Ambrosia, also, is well introduced and seems like a neat macguffin that will play a cool part in the story to come. It’s just sinister enough to get the ball rolling, and I was really looking forward to more.

- The body horror was (mostly) very good. Sick, twisted, and flirted with The Line enough to be fun instead of just uncomfortable. I was squirming in a few sections. Alice’s body being incorporated into the evil beehive and her face peeled open and birthing some monster was a highlight, but the scars upon scars corpse was also good.

And now… The Bad

- Killing the dog for shock value is stupid, and it’s also stupid to draw out that entire incident into like four pages.

- Luke’s mom is revealed to have sexually assaulted his older brother numerous times, and then he poisons her to death. This is how the story acknowledges Luke’s brother is a psychopath. It wasn’t the unspeakable experiments be performed on animals, or how he didn’t care for anyone else on earth, or how he tried to make deals with extradimensional evil… it was when he killed his abuser, a Good and Right thing to do.

- The plot just fucking derails. It does this in two ways. First, the actual plot doesn’t take very long once Luke and Alice (I’m not calling her Al) get to the Trieste so the length is padded out with an absolutely insane number of dreams and flashbacks. They exist to feature some creepy imagery, but most of it has no bearing on the plot or characters. And they’re long! Let’s talk about the goddamn tickle trunk, as an example.

What is the tickle trunk? The short answer is it’s a fairly innocuous toy box with some clowns on it that Luke’s abusive mother forces into his bedroom. That’s it. Does she use it as a torture device? No. It literally just sits in his room and is vaguely creepy. The worst part about it is that while Luke is having his little dream-flashback about it Alice is also having one… about half of a corpse of a submariner she worked with in the Navy plaguing her with guilt about his death. Which do you think would make a better spook? The box, or animated bloated corpse? Like… come on. Alice is like “wow I had this horrible dream about this gross dead body chasing me with my own guilt” and I had to sit there and think about how instead of diving into that I was reading about a toy box.

I’ll bring this toy box up later, don’t worry.

Other bad flashbacks include Luke gathering frogs for his scientist brother and seeing a spook in a gated tunnel and anything to do with the “millipede.”

And second, the Big Reveal sucks. I’m just gonna dive in because it’s so bad.

Ambrosia is a tease to get humans to build a research base in the Mariana Trench. Why? Because two extra dimensional beings of terror have been banished there. Most egregiously, how do we know this? Because they literally fucking sit Luke in a chair and explain the entire thing like a fucking Scooby-Doo villain. The entire scene reeks of Dumbledore talking to not-quite-dead Harry fucking Potter. It’s so fucking bad. And the worst part is these motherfuckers somehow planned the whole fucking thing. There were three researchers on the base, and all of them were specifically groomed by the baddies to be there so they could manipulate them into going looney so that Luke could be brought down there to free them. That’s right, Luke was a Chosen One all along.

It’s further revealed that the monster in the tickle trunk and the gated tunnel were real the whole time. The extra dimensional horrors, despite being banished 8 miles under the ocean for being evil can force project monsters to terrorize people. They do this to slowly torture all the researchers their whole lives to lead them to the Trieste. In fact, they fucking kidnapped Luke’s son.

I cannot begin to describe what a stupid thing this was, and how fucking stupid it was for the extra dimensional horrors to just flat out explain it to Luke like it was a college lecture.

Like, what even keeps these motherfuckers down there if they can so easily do all this? They also reveal the following complete bullshit:

- The Disease was a happy coincidence for their plot. Just background noise. Shrug!

- All the torture and dreams and bla bla bla was just for fun. To quote the extra dimensional horrors: “For fun. And games.”

That’s right, literally less interesting than fucking Jigsaw. Just for funnies. Jokes, even. Their presence, often described as curious, was just silliness. They already knew everything there was to know and were just having a ball.

All right, so prior to Luke being soft-captured to witness this monologue of total garbage, he had grabbed some Go To Sleep medicine (that he knew how to administer since he was a veterinarian) and it just sat in his pocket. He didn’t use it to spare the dog from being Assimilated into evil, or to spare Alice from her ecstasy of pain and suffering, so when he gets captured I’m thinking “okay, here it comes, this is important.”

The extra dimensional horrors reveal that they’ve kept Luke’s son “safe” (he’s a monster now, by the way) and they want Luke to merge his consciousness with it. They explicitly tell him they need him to do this and that it will help them escape to the surface to bring horror and madness. I smiled, “Aha! Luke will use his Go To Sleep chemicals to kill himself, preserving life on earth and rejecting the Thing That Is Not His Son, showing how he has grown and healed.” I was confident in this assessment because Luke literally tells the bad guy that he won’t do it. He knows that this monster isn’t really his son and he’s ready to die.

NOPE!!!!! !!!! !!1! That motherfucker does it! He just fucking merges with Not Zach and lets them out. No big moment, no deep breath, no clarity. Just “yeah I guess.” So what happens? The unholy amalgamation of Luke, his son, and two extradimensional horrors goes to the surface in the only submarine and they get out. The last line is like “what emerged was unspeakable” but what I thought was unspeakable was how fucking stupid this plot was!!!!!!

Read the first 100 or so pages then chuck it in a bin.