#theyre starting to grow on me and Im so grateful

[artyc-stan-of-tsp]

@rembiee

Shit like this is insanely rude and I hate that 1. Having this attitude about bugs & 2. Proudly proclaiming that you have this attitude about bugs (and doing so entirely unprompted on top of that) (especially in response to an Entomologist!!!!!) is considered a normal and acceptable thing to do

[onepureangel]

i finally was able to tell my partner abt my hypersexuality and my eating disorder ,, which felt nice to talk abt but i also feel kinda guilty ? and idk where thats coming from

[bugsinshoes]

ok so i just watched @fordtato and @hkthatgffan 's respective videos about their interview with THE alex hirsch and i wanna just say OH MY GOD like SERIOUSLY

im gonna put my thoughts under the cut so theres no spoilers if you havent seen it already (BUT GO WATCH THEM NOW PLEASE !!!) + its gonna be LONG so BEAR WITH ME

ok, so i have MANY thoughts so sorry if none of this is coherent 😭 (this is not in chronological order of when the questions were asked, just me spewing out my totally normal thoughts about this interview so apologies for that)

starting off:

THE BABY IS SHERMIE?!?!?!? IM SO SO GLAD WE FINALLY HAVE CONFIRMATION WE CAN FINALLY LEAVE THIS TO REST !! I WAS RIGHT THOUGH SO HA !!! ACTUALLY SCREAMING !! TIMELINE BE DAMNED (also another thanks to hana, your timeline video is genuinely awesome. i never shut up about it. ever. any time i talk to my friends abt gf and i need to refer to the timeline i go: "IN HANA'S VIDEO-") anyways, i do understand it was a last minute decision on the writer's part of "oh. dipper and mabel need a grandfather, its not ford, and its sure as FUCK not gonna be stan sooo... third brother?" and i do understand alex being like, "oh, this is about ford and stan only having eachother" so i think making shermie younger was a GOOD THING? like, stan and ford had 18 years of just them so shermie wasnt in the picture, so stan and ford technically grew up on their own so ig it works? also, when stan got kicked out, he never got to see shermie grow up, probably only saw him at events when he had to pretend to be ford (post-1983) and as for ford himself, he was too busy in college and gravity falls to really visit the family so... it works! (despite everything)

that aside, lets talk about THE CRUMBS??? like i have some quotes here because i have a LOT to say:

"theyre both so damaged and they desperately need each other" - alex hirsch (talking about stan and ford)

LIKE SUIUHUSHUSH i HATE these brothers SO MUCH (LIES) i cant actually properly express my thoughts because WOW like its clear that they both have their own trauma and they NEED to address it but theyre both too STUBBORN to do so. theyve both been alone for 40ish years so of course they need each other. they grew up by the hip, so theres no surprise that they both need each other (whether they like it or not)

"[ford's] grateful for the forgiveness he thinks he doesnt deserve" -alex hirsch

ford thinks so lowly of himself at times it HURTS. like the lines in the journal about "only then would the freak return a hero" or about his guilt with bill and everything its just so important to his character im so glad we got so much ford content in this interview. like i am EATING ALL THIS UP RN

"[ford] has to always have a mission in front of him, because if he doesnt have a mission in front of him, hes thinking how have i treated people in my life?" - alex hirsch

ford distracting himself with things instead of facing his problems. probably something he had to do a lot, especially with his time in the multiverse. but it really hurts because i can imagine in the 60s, they never had any great coping mechanisms? so i can assume ford was just conditioned to distract himself from stuff so he never learned how to deal with things. and i KNOW in the journal hes like "i meditate!" and im sure that does help somewhat, but it doesnt address the issue itself soooo... sorry ford, but you cant just breathe your way out of everything

ALSO alex calling ford and fiddlefords falling out a "BREAKUP" (air quotes used) BUT A BREAKUP??? this is just adding fuel to my fiddauthor-infested brain rn. i CANT

and alex saying mcgucket is thinking like, "oh i gotta be a better partner" is HEART SHATTERING like the whole talk about fiddleford being "the building guy" who is kind of just there to make machines and please ford. its honestly so heartbreaking because fiddleford loves ford so much he'd leave his wife and child to go to absolute nowhere, oregon and the fact ford is too arrogant to see fiddlefords admiration and overall love for him its just IUIUAHHAS

and i do wanna say, i KNOW bill played a big part in this, by stroking fords ego and buttering him up with his kind words because he knew exactly what ford wanted to hear and that really affected how ford and fidds' relationship was like but THATS A TOPIC FOR ANOTHER TIME. all i know is that ford isnt entirely to blame, but he still is a massive arrogant asshole and he wasnt the best person to fidds at times (love him tho <3)

but im actually so happy because this interview sheds SO much light onto FORD bcs we BARELY got to know him, and hearing it from MR HIRSCH HIMSELF is just so good because we KNOW its a reliable source because its coming from ALEX YK??? like he wrote ford so he probably knows "oh yeah, that man is guilt-ridden as FUCK" and im so glad we get some crumbs of this guy i cant get enough of him !!! (impatiently waiting for the book of bill)

ANNNDD THE TALK ABOUT MAYBE GETTING A SEA GRUNKS SPINOFF/MINISERIES??? I WOULD EXPLODE GENUINELY ANYTHING WITH MY FAVOURITE OLD MEN PLEASE !! i would genuinely love to see more of their dynamic and how everything is after weirdmaggeddon and like dealing with trauma and UGHHH i would kill for stan/ford content PLEASE

also...

hippie ford.

hippie. ford.

i am never getting over this (im internally SCREECHING)

ANYWAYS THAT WAS MY RANT ABT MY FAV THINGS FROM THE INTERVIEW THAT WAS A LOT GODDAMN

im genuinely so happy with all the questions that got answered, as well as getting some deeper insight into characters and stuff. IM NEVER GETTING OVER THE AMOUNT OF FIDDAUTHOR CRUMBS YOU GUYS

im gonna end this by saying another MASSIVE thank you to hana and hk !! you both put so much effort into your respective videos and it was super super cool !! this was totally worth the wait !!! :D

[kroosluvr]

akira/sumire dynamic is kind of obvious based on the game, and shuake’s is very much discussed, but what is the goro/sumire dynamic like. what’s their specific relationship with each other? how do they end up falling for one another? i don’t see a lot with just the two of them from you and i wanna know what you think :oD (maybe you answered something like this before i only just started following recently LMAO)

OMGGG HII i have so mujch. So much. honestly none of my royaltrio stuff is very explicityl romantic yet but i have LOTS of comics centering them!!!! (bc like u said theyre the least explored so theyre easy to write abt FKHDKJAKSHA)

notable comics: saferoom / the clock is ticking / bentoverse (3 parts!)

specifically, goro sees a bit of himself in sumire - his bitterness, his anger, his envy, his loneliness, and offers her (in his own way) a shoulder to lean on. of course goro is very prickly and very distant himself but he's trying to change himself for the better (and akira knows he can!!!) and also forgive himself for the things hes done and the things thats happened to him in the past that were out of his control...

i think he sees her as strong, too: at first ofc he sees her as kinda weak kinda pathetic but she proves herself a million times over in 3rd sem so his respect for her only grows. goro isnt ermmmm a team player so its really nice to see him work with someone without the fated rival strings attached ehehehehe like rough-around-the-edges trygn to support her but hes kinda bad at it bc hes never done this shit before

meanwhile sumire sees him as dependable, honest (uh. to an extent. mostly bc she only knows him in 3rd sem LMAO), strong (physically mentally emotionally - from what she can see from the outside). my fav thing abt violetcrow is that she has no clue about his past (goro isn't keen on telling her anytime soon, and akira also respects that i think?) so she takes him at face value, which he's also grateful for. he just Exists in sumire's eyes, no strings attached and that... is a really nice feeling.

tldr i think they in particular are important to each other to grow past their painful histories, and especially since both of them are still navigating friendship, identity, and the idea of love (either platonic or romantic) that really stands out to me. also i like slowburn of any sort.

LASTLY i wnted to say im a big sh/us/umi fan but the way i particularly enjoy them differs frm canon bites fist. i like them in a particularly doomed evil "this love won't last" "we get destroyed under the weight of our own love" kind of way. if that is interesting to u.. i offer my fic (10.5k words 2 oneshots but the second one is optional. KSDHFJKSD) for s/hua/ke i lauv them theyre super fascinatign to me... but i am not the smartest biggest brain sh/uakeo/logist JKASDHKJA aksm and shsm have very little exploratory content so i usually focus on that heheh...

i just remembered i have slightly more notes here but i feel like im not that eloquent DKJSHKSJF

[scikeyuri]

new year an introspection post that i hope comes out coherent even tho it probably wont lol

oh man where do i even start

it may be shocking but i think this is the first time in such a long time i can look back on the year and say it didnt totally suck. like yeah there were moments of really sucky situations. and. yknow. events that may be a sign 2025 may suck hard. but im starting to unlearn the doomerist mindset ive had for years

speaking of which... i had a pretty rough time with my mental health around the summer. thought i was gonna have a fun time as a cit, ended getting smacked in the face with reality that my ass CANNOT handle a job and it was barely fun and im growing up, and proceeded to be pretty depressed for at least a good 3 months. especially with certian. events. that happened to me and my friends but the situation ended WAYYY better than my past interactions with people like that have been so

and speaking of that. for years i have had multiple groups of internet friends (if you can even call them that. lol.) and they all ended up abandoning me, backstabbing me, throwing me under the bus, any and/or all those things. but now? im glad to say i finally found a support system that i feel safe in and also treated like an actual human being that makes mistakes. ive had bad splits and moments where i felt like the same thing that happened before would happen again, but they were always there when i eventually came down from it that theyre still here for me no matter what and im so grateful for that and cant thank them enough

back to mental health, despite the rut i had, and the world looking. bleak to say the least, i am doing way better than ive ever been

ive had opinions greatly change over this past year and honestly i think it kinda helped my mental health tbh. man. im growing older i could not care less what people do on this vast internet ive got better things to do and enjoy doing my own thing

if youve stuck around this long or if youre new here and think im cool then thank you. genuinely. i hope youre 2024 was also not totally sucky if not even better than mine and that ur 2025 will be great

anyways yeah i think thats it. happy new year 🔥

[rollercoasterwords]

i agree about gretta gerwigs work, i feel like there are some pieces of femininity and what its like to grow up as a girl that she nails every time, like at least for me personally her portrayals of grieving past versions of yourself and your life always resonate (but maybe thats because thats a pretty universal experience? im not sure), and her interfamilial relationships feel very tangible to me,

but yeah when it comes to her resolutions and her looking forward moments i feel like i dont really follow where her brain goes, it sometimes feels like she just ends up back where she started. and she doesnt play with gender and sexuality much, which is a shame because i feel like she could do it well?? idk maybe its fear, maybe shes cis and straight and those themes just dont resonate with her idk.

i also feel like shes almost choses stories where she wouldnt be forced to confront those topics? like little women has always had the same conclusion, she certainly did add her own artistry to the story but its not like she would have been expected to explore queer experiences there. and the same is true for barbie, barbie isnt exactly known for being a space that plays much with gender, and i highly doubt mattel would have approved a story that included too much queerness bc theyre trying to tell toys to conservative moms right? idk sorry this got long, your comments on gerwig just got me thinking

yeahhhhh exactly like. i am not a huge gerwig fan (not that i dislike her or anything; i'm just pretty neutral towards her as a director) + i only watched ladybird back when it first came out + barbie now. have never seen little women but based on what i know of the book yeah i imagine it's not like a movie where you'd expect lesbians lol nor was i expecting any particularly insightful exploration of queerness from barbie (although i do think it's nice that many people have been able to find meaningful aroace readings of the film)--and like i don't think it's gerwig's responsibility to explore such themes if they are not things she relates to or has an interest in exploring!

i feel like this is moreso just a problem with reception when any certain artist or work of art gets venerated as like....the pinnacle of representation for 'womanhood' or 'girlhood,' which is a category much of gerwig's critical reception seems to fall into. bc there is no single monolithic experience of 'womanhood,' the cultural consensus about what representations set the standard for such experiences always tend to privilege certain experiences (white, straight, cis, etc), oftentimes at the expense of erasing others. and this has been a particular aspect of some of the barbie praise that's grated on me; i've seen a lot of people talk about how it so perfectly encapsulates 'the female experience' and as a gnc lesbian i'm just like. alright then lol. think the treatment of queerness by the film as a whole was also just like....odd. generally speaking. honestly still parsing thru my thoughts on it but sometimes the framing of the movie made it a little difficult to tell whether i was being laughed at or laughed with tbh

[ge]

sumt about chung myung having a (relatively) softer heart than tang bo makes me melt... u can see tang bo doesn't reach out to things that he feels doesn't need it, but chung myung actively takes things into his heart... man i love how they're so diff from how they're presented as. usually the smiley, touchy one would be the self sacrificial one

(idk where this is from but is tang bo actually cold to others when not in front of chung myung...? this is such a popular thing i see in works lol)

yall genuinely have no idea how often im thinking about tangchung character studies theyre so interesting to pick and prod at.. chung myung keeping his softness under so many many layers of rock hard defense and even when u get close enough to him to break those walls down, hes so unused to being unprotected that gentleness feels like something that has to be coerced, gripped, and dragged out of him, affection making his chest feel clogged and cumbersome, and love felt so heavily it feels like it could bring down the sky.. he feels with such an overwhelming excessiveness that displaying it freely in any way other than casual familiarity feels like humiliation, and asking for it in return even more shameful.. he is a empty house hungry to be lived in and yearning for a flame but he would much rather let his terse and concise and seemingly brutish actions speak louder than his softness, no matter how it may end up being interpreted....my long winded way of saying i think chung myung has an extreme hedgehog dilemma and is a tsundere about it

tang bo is a little trickier for me to get a read on maybe bc i hvnt read much about him yet and most of my knowledge of him comes from fics & twt users LOL (which im aware are mostly extremely ooc..it kinda grates on me knowing most or all of my knowledge of him is secondhand and distorted) but i must agree with you.. the tang bo in my head is predominately headcanon ive built up myself so whatever i say about him might be extremely off the mark but idgaf..i like the version of him i have in my head currently..

compared to chung myung, tang bo feels hrmmm..more sociable but impersonal.. im not sure if he can be called cold exactly, but he doesnt seem to show much care or affection to anyone he isnt particularly close with.. he seems to have an almost impassive business type relationship with most people, including his family though it should be mentioned aside from chung myung, he is also friendly towards chung mun and chung jin, having been said to drink w the three of them often.. from what ive seen he seems to treat them like a second family in a sort of way? i attribute tang bos dispassionate demeanor to his family, the way he was raised formed a sort of crust around not, not so much a wall but a poker face..and chung myung was the first person who directly challenged the monotony of his life

smth about the dichotomy of their natures is sooo interesting urhg.. tang bo, a young master of a reputable rich family given everything he could ever want for, taught to be upright and gallant since birth, wearing the seemingly permanent mask of impersonality and tranquility that was hammered into him since young, meeting someone who brought back colour into his dull world for the first time in his life and suddenly that mask starts crumbling and tang bo finds himself happy in a way he was never allowed to be under the watchful eye of his familys strict elders

compared to chung myung whos life was nearly the complete opposite, an orphan taken in and raised in a sect by people who showered him w as much uninhibited familial love as he could want for, taught him to be honourable and respectable, grows up w a penchant for keeping his true emotions hidden deep underneath his surface, not out of malice or obligation but because, unlike tang bo, it was simply how he was..meeting and befriending tang bo made him begin to WANT, for the very first time..to actually show someone how deeply he can care, to peel back the veil and show someone the desperation for intimacy he desires so profoundly that buzzes underneath his skin in a way he couldnt, wouldnt, speak of out of the sheer indignity of it all...yeah so basically what im saying again is that hes tsundere and tang bo saw that and was like i need that gay boy

[onlyjaeyun]

may i ask what u had in mind for jayke's backstories :0 if we rlly wanna get into it then i can see jayke being fun and carefree BECAUSE they weren't able to act that way at home,,,

maybe jay has strict rich parents who always wanted him to be mature and poised when he was just a kid who wanted to play w his friends :( he learned how to chef it up thru the private chefs at home and learned how to look after others from the butlers and maids that raised him. he's also an only child so the friendgroup are the siblings hes always wanted and he def found a brother in jake so early on i his life bc he was rlly lonely as a child /:

as for jake... he has an older brother (ima age him up hella to fit the narrative) and his older brother cared a lot for him but he was the picture-perfect child and their parents pressured jake to follow in his older brother's footsteps at such a young age. like cmon he was 7 being forced to study physics bc his brother was aceing his high school physics exams on the way to go to the most prestigious colleges w a physics degree. and with their big age gap his brother didnt have time to play w him much bc he was alsays studying and their parents were so focused on the older sibling. jake finds a brother within jay bc hes also lonely and jay was the only person he could be himself around.

now that ive thought ab this man jayke as a duo is so precious to me 🥺 theyre brothers thru and thru bc they found a home within one another. jake always so excited to try new recipes jay is trying out, jay loving to model and style jake, jake sending jay goofy selfie updates of his day to jay, jay being the first person jake calls in the middle of the night for a late night convenience store run which leads to some crazy shenanigans. jayke also building their first lego set tgth when they were 9 and it's displayed in a glass case in the living room of their shared apt.

im sobbing thanks for reading all of this i didnt expect to get super into 😭

-💫

NONIE WHY DID THIS MAKE ME CRY 💀💀💀💀 i'm too emotionally attached to these characters its not healthy.

honestly i love love love your thoughts and theories and i think mine are pretty similar in some ways but not quite and that just makes it so much more exciting 🥺

yk me, i'm just...brutal when it comes to backstories so pls be aware......

poison!jake was raised by a single mother who was never home because she worked so much. she worked late evening and night shifts and would sleep throughout the day so jake basically had to raise himself. she never physically abused him but because he was her main source of exhaustion (since she had to work to provide for him) she's slowly started growing hateful towards him and jake basically tried all of his life to please her just to fail miserably. his mother was never a mother to him, father not in the picture at all and after years of verbal and mental abuse he found a safe haven in jay. they met in middle school and for jake it was quite clear from the very beginning that that guy was his soulmate. he'd never openly say it bc they're too goofy and unserious for that (bc of their childhoods) but there's no person on this planet he's as grateful for as he is for jay.

jay's backstory is kinda similar to heeseung's just the other way around. up until he was seven he had the most picture perfect family with two loving parents who loved their son and each other with everything they have, until his father passed away in a car accident and his mother started resenting her son because he survived and the love of her life didn't. similar to the parks and heeseung he unfortunately was also mentally, physically, emotionally and verbally abused up until he moved out for college and the only person in his life, besides his friend, to show him love was his grandmother. she was the one taking care of him when his mother was at work and she'd even cry with him whenever she spotted new bruises. the only reason he goes back to his hometown every now and then is to visit her grave and keep her updated on his life.

both jake and jay dont have contact to their mothers so they're each other's only family. jay always introduces jake as his brother and whenever people ask him who his favorite person is jake responds with jay. they really are each other's rocks and im literally tearing up writing this URGH

[placentaeater999]

More Ramblings!

I forgot to tell you, my friends, that this May 10th or 11th marked 10 (ten) whole years since I first came out as a trans man!

(Im open to asks/questions/new friends, i believe education is an important part of the path to acceptance)

TL;DR: trans kids become trans adults, trans kids you absolutely fucking belong on this planet and you are loved and cherished, if not by your own family then by me bc im adopting you now as your older brother. My experience as a trans man is below the cut

I came out at the age of 11, back in early 2014, just before trans ppl and bathrooms had really started to catch the eye of the general public.

My dad was quick to support my medical transition, and while my ma took a moment, she got there. My dad ended up only really supporting me if i matched his machismo ideals, but this has gotten a lot better over the years.

I have been extremely INCREDIBLY lucky to be able to come out and successfully begin my transition at such a young age and every day im grateful for that. That being said, I lost a lot of family because of it. I lost close and important friendships because of it. I felt shame for such a long ass time because of it. I was bullied by students, parents, and teachers. I've been assaulted, Ive faced medical discrimination numerous times, I was the first trans patient at this psych ward i went to and got weird treatment. I have struggled a lot with feeling like i belong in this world. And now at the age of 21 I still do sometimes.

But

With all the bad things that've happened.

The family that stayed ive grown closer with. The new friends i FINALLY made in college are so incredibly supportive and I'm lucky that most of them are also trans or queer in some way (most of my friends are long distance but idc theyre my best friends). I wouldnt trade them for the world. I I havent had a typical teen experience but I've gotten to lead important projects for the safety of trans students at my high school, I've been a part of my university's qsa, I've gotten to serve on a panel for GLSEN Los Angeles where I worked with city officials on how to make la safer for trans/nb people. I've had my art about being trans get into galleries and I've won a couple awards for it. I get to attend other queer events near me and sell my art there and meet other queer folks in a town that's not a super safe place to be queer in.

I've gotten to see people grow and change their opinions on trans ppl bc now they know one and understand the concept better. Ive gotten the absolutely honor of people telling me that because I'm so open about myself that they began to feel comfortable exploring more about thelmselves.

I've lived more in these past 10 years than a lot of people will in 20. And as hard as its been I'm so FUCKING proud of how far I've come and I can't wait for the next 10.

It's not always glamorous, it's fucking hard as hell. For a long while I'd trade being a trans man for being a cis woman in a heartbeat, but now I wouldn't trade being trans for the world.

[quodekash]

its friday night / saturday morning so we all know what that means! (im so sorry) 

time for me to ramble about a bl where im more obsessed with a side couple than i am with the main plot and characters 

good luck 

MY LOVELIESSSS 🥰🥹

my dude. my bro. my main man laem. dost thou hear thyself 

HE DIDNT NEED TO BUT HE DID AND I LOVE HIM AND I LOVE THEM SO MUCH THEYRE SO CUTE 

its giving 

GAYDARS ACTIVATED

i love them all 

I LITERALLY SAID IT LAST WEEK, HE WAS SMILING AT CHER AND IT WAS SHOCKING COS I DIDNT KNOW HE COULD SMILE 

oh they did a flashback to that exact scene. i thought of it first tho. 

these poor people needing to exist in the vicinity of this group 

THREEZOSCENETHREEZOSCENEASCENEENTIRELYDEDICATEDTOTHREEZOLETSGO

little hand touches 🥰 🥰

no but theyre so cute you dont understand 

THEY MAKE ME SO HAPPY FJJGBFGJFBJBGF

OH MY GOSH I CANT 

cher being late for work (its only 15 minutes man chill out) and also forgetting his id card thingy is more of a mood than it should be  time to add cher to the potential neurospicies list (it is growing very fast) 

cher ur fake coughing isnt fooling anyone. just say you overslept or took a wrong turn or fell out of a tree or something 

wait now i genuinely cant tell, is he faking being sick or is he actually sick 

MY BROS YOU’RE BEING REALLY SUSPICIOUS, ANYONE WITH EYES CAN SEE IT AND PEOPLE WITHOUT EYES CAN ALSO SEE IT, IT’S JUST THE IMPORTANT CHARACTERS WHO SOMEHOW CANT 

okay he was lying i was pretty sure he was lying 

DAMN THEY REALLY FOUND A WAY TO SQUEEZE IN THAT NIVEA SPONSORSHIP 

theyre literal children i love them 

THE WAY THEY BOTH ROLLED OVER TO FACE EACH OTHER AT THE SAME TIME WAS SO CUTE 

he literally walked right into him multiple times and kept forgetting to knock 

Final thoughts: 

pretty good episode, especially in the beginning (and totally not just because all the threezo was at the start) 

im excited for the next episode but eternally grateful that im not obsessed with this show cos man that feeling of anticipation waiting for msp episodes to come out was like personalised torture so ty brain for not latching on to this show like a baby with a nipple 

im still feeling a little bit iffy with the power imbalance and also about how we still dont know the age gap between them? (i think last week we found out how old gun is and i was gonna do research to find an estimate on how old cher is but then i didnt do that so if someone else happens to have already figured it out, then the information would be greatly appreciated) but they say multiple times that gun isnt “that much older” but i dont know how much ‘that much’ is and i would like to know so that i can have better peace of mind 

other than that tho, good episode! 

[stedebonnit]

Jfc NOBODY IS SAYING THAT STEDE'S TRAUMA EXCUSES HIS ACTIONS. Like. Why the FUCK is that always the first place you assholes go. You can't even acknowledge he HAS IT most of the time, but when you do the first thing you say about it is, "but that doesn't excuse anything!" No. One. Says. It. Does. But it would be nice to be able to fucking acknowledge it AT ALL without your asshole takes. We get it. You think Stede is the fucking worst and his trauma doesn't matter. Shut the fuck up.

Omg Stede anon is back!! Wow Im so honoured, welcome back!

I literally said in my tags that his trauma is what makes his actions so heartbreaking. Like I said, its nuanced. Someones actions can be hurtful to others and also incredibly understandable given the circumstances they're in. Which is why its so similar to his privilege, because Stede was raised in that privilege. The point is that hes a good man because he tries to learn and grow, as Im sure he'll do in this scenario as well.

Like I said, it fucking hurts to be told your self hatred hurts the people you care about. Most people who adopt self-hatred like Stedes do so for two reasons

1. To protect themselves from harm (via rejection, abuse, neglect, etc.)

2. To protect others from harm (because when you're told often enough that your existence is wrong, you start to internalize it and believe that your existence hurts others.)

That second one is so powerful, because yes, self-hate is selfish in the sense that you really have to believe that you're special or unique to believe that you, and only you, matter enough to be so deeply deserving of bad things. But the other piece is that most people who hate themselve that deeply also genuinely want to do whats best for others. Its why i see so many clients in therapy who tell me theyre afraid to be kinder to themselves because they think itll make them selfish.

Thats the stage that I see Stede at. He doesnt yet have the understanding, because of his history of trauma and chronic invalidation, to be able to contextualize how deeply selfish his self hate is. Moreover, he genuinely believes that hes doing whats best for others by acting the way he does.

This doesnt take away the hurt he caused. This doesnt negate the decisions hes made.

When I was deeply hurting, faced with a similar mindset, I made decisions that hurt people. I had a therapist tell me one session that I had hurt her by assuming the worst in her, something that I did because of how deeply I hated myself.

I resent my actions, still, to this day, and yet she showed me empathy and kindness and helped me forge a path forward so I wouldnt hurts others that way in the future.

Because of her pointing out the hurt I caused, i was able to learn and grow, and am a better, kinder person now because of it.

Thats what I mean when I say it doesnt negate the hurt he caused. Because often times seeing the hurt our self hatred causes is the ingredient thats needed to push us in the direction of healing, because we dont love ourselves enough to do it for us, but we love others enough to start that journey for them.

Anyways, its a topic Im deeply interested in, so even though you called me an asshole, Im grateful for you reaching out because it gave me the opportunity to put my thoughts into words, because as I said, I believe its an incredibly nuanced discussion, but as a Stede stan through and through it always makes me chuckle when I get these anons.

[essiekuko]

'yk carl ur just like the son i never had. bc ur so UNLIKE the son i DID HAVE. come on out here monty, ur so amazing!' HELPPP

carl was so real. im evil for extra credit too dw 🤣🤣

imagine being a retired blogger. so excited

i thinkkk nessa and monty broke up cause he was gettin rlly busy working for the agency

WAITTT they were in the new p&f poster tg. omfg hope

yall b grateful now i practically manifested a new season cause i got hyperfixated on the 'getting the band back tg' episode last year (i attached myself to bobby fabulous lmfaooo)

WAITTT OMFG THEY HAD LIKE ONE GYARU CHARACTER IN P&F AND I WANT HER BACK!!!!

i love how aesthetics have not jst become a style, they're more like a lifestyle now. cause theres no explanation for why a picture of lipgloss is cottagecore. its girly and pink and light and feminine, and thats cottagecore. im too deep into the 'it takes obsession to be great' bc my obessions bought on by my 3d are what i believe is the only way i can be great. hunger hurts, but st4rv1ng works.

also not me being excited abt new p&f and then boom, health check up lmfao. rllyyy concerned for ppl who search for the innocent keywords in this post and then come across well. pro 4n4. tumblr u may be mad but this is ur doing with that post limit. now i cant segregate my topics. i gotta throw in my 3d discussions with a post abt a kid's cartoon. i rlly told myself i'd stop being so childish this yr in prep for when i turn 18. but its like, im js gonna bury it all and not actually mature. and thats not good i think? idk, better than having childish interests at 18.......srry ppl i offend, im talking abt myself not y'all. its just an insecurity, not being adult enough. but like, times are changing i guess. and im not insane abt these interests, cause theyre just lil things i find interesting, but im not so passionate abt them

im kinda glad j timbers went to the slammer. cause it means trolls 3 is the last trolls movie and they literally could not make a better movie than that. its usually, in trilogies, the 2nd is the best and 3rd is the worst. but in the, hopefully, trolls trilogy, 3rd is best and 2nd is worst.

i rb like 1 insane interests post on main and then go back to mass reblogging coquette lmfao. talk abt a coverup

OMFG WAIT DID I TELL YALL ABT MY BIG FEAR OF PRISMO

im very fortunate to have grown up in a kind primary skl. or yk, been in a popular friend group lmfao. cause my weird kid interests weren't considered weird, but they were pretty popular/widely liked at my skl unlike majority of other skls unfortunately. ppl liked my art, and fav animes, and my freaking gacha channel. i was known for having good writing, and i had diff friend groups who all jst equally liked me and certain things abt me and i didnt mind. and then i hear abt my friend's experiences, having weird kid interests and being treated as such. thats why i could nver relate to posts abt being the weird kid, cause fsr i've never been treated as such for liking those certain interests and having those weird kid behaviours, cause again, that was accepted in my skl.......now that i think abt it, i may have had pretty privilege......

and then it makes ms world look even worse. cause in such an accepting environment to grow up in, how did i still manage to find something to be insecure abt, and then start a brat era that changed my life forever. teen years...

i love brazilian miku sm omfg and i love how popular she is!! its like tropical miku and gives sm key west kitten/manba gyaru <3

an mbti quiz would only be considered at 1am

i love that 1 outfit of priscilla's, that black bucket hat & dress combo with the lil tropical patterns, i want it soooo bad

[pilotheather]

im going nuts again so i guess s8 onwards (since s8-s9 is what ive seen the least times) rewatch whislt i rot.... just have this on in the bg

ep 1

i forgot how muddied this first episode was. its all over the place.

i will say i also forgot how hard they leant ino trying to prove a point with clara LOLLL. i dont completely hate it. its a bit grating but i sorta respect it

as i feel with like a lot of clara from s8 onwards

THE SCENE WITH THE HOMELESS MAN IS WORSE THAN I REMEMBER HELPPPP ME

as with clara again ok that bits funny i forgot . hes like youre a cunt clara. youre self obsessed. shes like WHAT THE FUCK. wheres my PRETTY BOY GONE. matt smith is not pretty.

i actually have never really liked the paternoster gang. like i do. i like the concept of them. but i hate how they just sort of appear in the show out of nowhere. partially cuz its emphasised so much how like.. the doctor trusts them or theyre close or whatever. and idk. maybe i wouldnt mind. but also whenever the doctor interacts with them i feel like there's no chemistry.

(and look. sometimes i just sorta hate an obvious set up for a spin off. it kinda makes me grumpy.)

i forgot the insane yuri moment out of nowhere also. actually that wasnt so bad but thats the other part about them thats always a bit ... help.... moffat writing this shit with one hand on his dick as usual

otherwise thes some good scenes in this i forgot about. but still its so messy. one of those where its like i think it could do with another rewrite or two to tighten it up.

i think i forgot clara and 12 are funny as fuck. get his ass

(although seeing him with such short hair is scary. grandpa wheres your mane)

oh missy i missed you. i didnt watch season 8 live. i wish i knew what the fuck people did

ep 2

"you shoot people and then you cry about it afterwards" get his ass

sorry i do like you danny. my boot boy.

i forgot he was lame as shittttttttttttttttt dannyyyyyyyyy

I FORTGOT HOW MUCH OF A CUNT HE WAS

doctor i saw into your soul. and you were a HATERRRRRRR !!!!!!!

sorry the ep is over now i dont know. i guess i kinda like it. i feel like theres a lot of eps in this season that its like. its not bad its not good but i kinda just forget it exists. SORRY LOL

i love love love it whenever they say "YOU are a good dalek" to him. like please. get his ass.

ep 3

one thing about this season is the aesthetics start going crazyyy the chalkboard rules bro. the entire tardis does. like i like how it matures a bit as capaldis era goes on but god. so delicious

god i hate claras little theme tune sometimes.

sometimes its good sorry sometimes im like bro she just walked out you dont need to

i do like how stupid goofy this episode is. like what is even occurring. you guys are so silly for this one.

I LOVE when he gets petty and jealous. grow up old man.

ep 4

"and from you that means something" CLARA THATS CRAZY. THATS A CRAZY THING TO SAY. HELP ME GOD ITS FUNNY.

23 WELLS!

a lot of people hypelisten. i think i have mixed feelings on it.

ep 5

youre insane btw i just saw captain john hart in the preview. what an insane, insane pull.

i feel like i dont remember much of trhis ep either but thats insane cuz i love heist eps. guys remember the farscape heist ep. UGHHH LETS ALL GO FARSCAPE MAYBE

ok god im flagging i hzve to sotp

[meiko3323]

BINGO

boss makes a dollar, i make a dime, so i print out challenges on company time XD filled it in on my own time tho

all my hoyolab friends were doing this so i decided to join in 😸 would this also count as meet the artist kinda?

hm, lets see what i can elaborate on...

- i write/ draw w my left, but hold food utensils incl chopsticks w my right. and i use a right-handed mouse. but when i chop veggies or sth for meal prep i hold the knife in my left

- bilingual: i know russian and english fluently. my parents had a "no english at home" rule when my sister and i were growing up, which i found annoying at the time but now im pretty grateful to not forget my mother tongue, and be able to communicate w the extended fam back home

- im extremely near-sighted, im talkin i could hold out my own hand in front of my face and itll be blurry

- idk if this is dating me too much, but i played a lot of neopets when i was young. i had like 4 or 5 accts, and even got my sis into em. i remember sneaking onto the family pc to play, and then sneak away when i heard my parents approaching

- came out at 16, tho in hindsight the signs were there as young as like 5

- i indeed had a fursona in middle/high school, prob cuz i struggled w human anatomy and found animals much easier to draw 😅

- get it? caffeine + fiend = CAFFIEND :>

- im the older sister by 6 yrs

- ive talked abt my connection to ffxiv on here before, i played it intensely for abt 2yrs, even got into the raiding scene a bit. was a miqo'te white mage main until sage came out and i switched to that

- i LOVE exploration so all my genshin maps are 100% including all the special/ underground ones, i caught up just before fontaine released, and since then it takes me under 2 wks to catch up on any new map

- dont like makeup cuz im lazy and also why should i waste time putting all of it on, only to have to wash it off after? or forget and wake up w panda eyes 🐼 too much hassle =w=

- i currently have short hair. i started cutting it myself since covid cuz salons were closed and it was getting too long, i was startin to look like that aLiEnS guy 😂 and now it saves me time and money, and as a bonus i dont have to leave the house for it which is always a win (id prob be a complete shut-in if i didnt have to work lol)

- ive fallen out of trees twice, once at a friends bday party when i was abt 5-6, and another time when i was ehhh 12-13. im also generally quite accident prone (not quite benny levels but up there) tho surprisingly not broken any bones *knock on wood*

- surprise-surprise, am an introvert lmao. require plenty of time to recharge my social battery

- i enjoy me some alcohol, not unlike a certain bard ;3 i actually used to drink FAR more when i was younger. funny enough its thanks to videogames that ive managed to unintentionally cut bk (aka replace one addiction w another lol), like now im able to skip up to 3 days. and when i do partake its not as heavy as before, partly cuz im weary of hangovers, and partly cuz the sleepies hit me before the buzz and thats annoying :T but i still chase that boozy high

- hoodies and flannels are life, theyre so comfy! clothes-related sidenote: pants MUST have pockets or i refuse to wear em

- ive got 16mm gauges in my ears, i think thats 00G? currently wearing silver tunnels atm. i miss my grumpy cat plugs, but alas theyre only 10mm iirc

- ive got 7 piercings i think, lets count: 1️⃣ tongue, 2️⃣ left side lip, 3️⃣ right nostril, 4️⃣-5️⃣both earlobes (stretched), and 6️⃣-7️⃣ a double-helix (intentional for the pun lol) on my left ear. i used to have a second row on my lobes but when my gauges got too big i had to take em out. kinda wanna get em repierced at some point and put the little cuffs back. debating an industrial in my right ear too (goin for some as.symetry) also wanna get a second piercing beside my current lip one (apparently thats called a spider bite 😳)

- never learned to drive cuz either got driven everywhere by fam/ friends, or relied on public transit. plus idk if i trust myself behind the wheel, it feels like itd be too overwhelming x_x

- i enjoy me some vaping. in classic meiko fashion, prefer the *fruity* flavours. tho ive had a couple good menthol ones. not a fan of dessert flavours, theyre nice for a few hits but vaping it for an extended time gets too sweet. ive dabbled w a bit of cigarettes too tho not a fan due to the nasty aftertaste. i also enjoy me some hookah, tho ive not indulged in years

- ive dropped out of uni not once but twice 🙂

- i love plushies and used to have a pretty big collection of them ^w^ i still hold on to a few, id have more if i had space in the apartment for em

- DUH, i have a tumblr as well :3 lurked on and off for years

thank you to anyone that bothered reading all that, didnt expect id have so much to say abt myself. sorry for rambling endlessly ^^'

and thanks in advance to anyone that fills out the card, i wonder if there will be any bingos :D

[blackvail22]

ive felt down these past few days. nothing bad happened, just something regarding my medication, and it feels... i dont know. its not the same lows that i used to have... it just that sometimes when i realize how fucked my life growing up was, and how unsupportive my family is, and how hated i feel by them.... it just gets to me sometimes, you know?

i dont know. im super grateful for my boyfriend, letting light into my life and being such a good person. im grateful for my sister, who, we arent as close rn because we're busy, has always been by my side, even when i didnt deserve it. she taught me things that i parent shouldve, even though it wasnt her responsibility. my brother-in-law, he showed me what a brother is. he can be touch on me sometimes, yk, picking on me, but he truly does love and care about me. im glad he's in my life. im also grateful for you, apple. showing so much care and empathy all these years... there are many times where you saved me, and i'll never feel more grateful for that.

i try to remember that even though i dont feel the prettiest, im flawed, and i live in dysfunction, i have people who care about me still. and i think its easier to recognize those people now that i've started paying more attention to people other than myself. if people truly hated me, they wouldnt be so close to me... yk? and i guess itd hard to recognize that because many of the people i surrounded myself with growing up actually hated me but still stayed close-knit w me? em, my friend in middle school, jen.... like, sometimes my parents feel like theyre on that list, too? but truly, i think theyre just caught up in their own issues, and they dont realize it sometimes.... and it gets taken out on me. im not denying that i am sometimes rude or do something im not supposed to. i have, i do... and more often than not, i dont realize it until after i say something or do something. however, i feel that me having a twinge of attitude in my tone of voice doesnt make me deserve being called slurs, told to die, a waste of space....

and i hate these days where im so caught up in negativity like this. me being out of medicine, being vulnerable with my boyfriend yesterday, not working today, and being alone all day have manifested into this gloomy sunday. im just glad that i can at least see some bright side and be able to rationalize my thoughts throughout this time.

[glitchdollmemoria]

trauma + addiction vent under the cut because im sooo shyyyy lol

letting myself start to accept that maybe psychosis has been traumatic for me, both my most recent episode that i still sort of feel like im running away from, and growing up psychotic without any support system. like... yeah, it was probably traumatic to constantly feel unsafe and be convinced that i had no privacy from people who wanted me to hurt and to feel like i was the only person who knew that the world was fake. that combined with a lot of other things that i probably havent fully been letting myself think of as trauma, it makes sense id be smoking so much even though things are getting better. i dont think ill ever let go of my obsession with time though and maybe this all feeds into it. the past is heavy and time keeps passing and im learning to exist in the same time as everyone else but im not very good at it yet. i kind of keep wondering if i was right that the world is fake, and that maybe im still being observed but i just cant communicate with my observers anymore. a part of me misses them like some sort of stockholm syndrome type of shit. and im able to recognize that my worries stem from schizophrenia, and i have to accept that im going to be schizophrenic forever and will probably always experience at least SOME symptoms, staring and going quiet and worrying about something bigger than me watching me. i should probably throw myself into Torah study since i know that helps me stay evened out.

i just dont know how the hell im supposed to cope with the fact that things finally feel real. i look at people and theyre real. the trees are growing and theyre real. the mountains are real. insects are real. everything is real and breathing the same air as me. and its foreign to me. j dont think my brain knows hoe to handle reality, because i was never able to handle it on my own, and now that im recovering, theres no textbook for existing in reality. im in a reality that was never mine but im also always going to have a different reality from everyone else because my own psychotic reality of the past shaped who i am today. its scary. i think people assume recovery from psychosis means everything suddenly feels okay but its deeply unsettling, even if im glad to be doing better.

and im loved. i am a whole person who is loved by my friends. my friends love me as a very mentally ill person struggling to heal, and im grateful for that, but i think its just so strange to me. theyre real and im real and they love me and i love them. and my love is enough for them. i got told that a certain someone is more comfortable being affectionate with me than most other people. it knows so much about me already. it was there when i was maybe the most psychotic ive ever been in my life. its been there as ive been recovering from a trauma that it just barely missed out on being a part of. i mean something to it and it means something to me. and its real. theres a real person who loves me, platonically. im a real person who loves it. i dont know what to make of all this or what point im dancing around. im scared and traumatized and loved and i will never truly be in the exact same reality as him but at the same time, here i fucking am, loving and being loved. it doesnt make sense.

i think a large part of me wants to protect him and my other friends from the things ive experienced. ive been realizing more and more that like... yeah, no, all the trauma ive been through isnt "normal". ive been living a rough life and it made me rough and now i just want to protect these people that i see as so soft. maybe thats self centered though, maybe its just that people dont talk about these things and im underestimating my loved ones, but, im someone who basically doesnt have a family, has a thousand fucking comorbidities, has learned to cheat and manipulate to survive, has become so jaded by other people and the powers that be. the only reason i dont carry a knife is because i dont trust cops not to frame me for some shit. and i see myself as this tough guy guardian angel willing to sacrifice my own safety to protect the people i care about, i see myself as stronger than everyone else and more capable of taking a hit mentally or physically, because ive been through hell and survived so i feel like i can survive anything while i worry about how my friends would be able to handle the same things. i dont think i actually see myself as a person so much as a guard dog. i dont know if its healthy because i think i struggle to acknowledge my own trauma and hurt. i hate admitting it even on here. i want to just see the bright side of all my suffering and look at my victory and resilience and turn myself into a weapon to defend my loved ones. and then i turn around and smoke and then try to play off my smoking as something cool and sexy and not a big deal. and like, ill mention something thats just a fact of life for me - ill mention having no contact with my family, or growing up schizophrenic, or whatever else, and people seem sad for me and i get reminded that my experiences arent "normal" at all, and the things i consider facts of life arent things i should have had to go through, and other people cant always relate to. i really am some edgy rough-around-the-edges skeptic even if i still hold onto the days when i was a little goody two shoes with financial stability living in denial of my own trauma. but im still in denial of my own trauma. bit fucked innit