#theyre so ���i cant carry it for you but i can carry you’ coded

[ghostlycleric]

There’s something so personal about the way Mike and Will share their burdens and work together on issues. That’s why Will doesn’t include Mike in his rant about people babying him—Mike just doesn’t.

It’s always ‘we will [kill Vecna]’ and ‘we won’t let him [spy back]’. Mike is there with him, not in place of him. He trusts that Will can carry his weight, that he has the strength to do so, but he’s still ready to carry him if he has to.

Yes, Mike talks to him softly, he listens carefully when he talks, insists on being with him all of season 2, but he never babys Will. Even when Will was almost completely lost to the mindflayer, he insisted that they get Will’s judgement. He still trusted him, still knew he’d be strong enough to break through to them. Even when they’re fighting he values Will’s critism and thoughts, and is willing to put their fights aside to work together on UD stuff.

They’re equals, partners, a team.

[justaz]

im TIRED of reading fics with period typical homophobia 😭😭 i caint do it 😭😭😭 just let them be gay in peace 😭

[sirludox]

please tell me all about your zosan pony verse i love them!

Oh my god it would be an honour! I'll start off by mentioning that the reason I chose Sanji as a pegasus was I see his more flamboyant personality fitting that better and i just could not imagine a horse wielding 3 swords without some sort of help so I tinkered how unicorn magic works slightly with it being more closely related to mental and physical strength rather than just being a sort of cheat code haha! Also it was fun imagining a more brutish unicorn compared to the usual elegance of one! Zoro did in fact lose his horn with his first meeting of Mihawk! I was debating making him lose it when he lost his eye but I felt like him dedicating himself even more to training and meditation to make up for what he's lost fit better with it occurring much earlier on than randomly off screen like his eye. Sanji also witnessing him lose his horn yet still declare his loyalty and never losing a fight again would push Sanji to join the crew since he cant fly Sanji, like I said, can't fly mostly related to a) the deformed genes from the poison and b) his wings were bound down when he was a kid by Judge while he was imprisoned much like how he had the helmet on. While their growth wasn't affected, having no prior training on top of the messed up genes means as much as he can do with "flying" is gliding off of tall places or high up but even then that's limited. His "sky walk" is still done with his legs like in the original, so while he can technically "fly", he can't feel the wind between his wings like he normally should for having wings and so he often enjoys spreading his wings out on windy days to ease the desire of "freedom"! He uses his wings primarily as he would hands now, using them to carry food and dishes out and express emotions with them, and absolutely hates having them constricted (it begins to freak him out slightly). Sanji then learnt to use his legs (mostly his back ones) for fighting from Zeff (whom im still debating lost a leg or a wing) and the rest is history! These two still bicker and are the exact same as they are in the original, just with the bonus addition of them bonding over them missing their core "features" of their kind, a broken horn and useless wings. They never ever bring these aspects up in a way to offend/insult the other, as they know they're both rather sensitive topics, but they both use what they've lost to their advantage and dont let any of it hold them back Some more unique quirks they have now are:

Sanji preens/grooms his feathers a LOT and takes a lot of care with them. These days (20's), he's allowed Zoro to preen him when he can't from injuries, and Zoro is good with it/surprisingly gentle after learning from Kuina

Unicorns usually rub/touch horns gently in a comforting manner between family or extremely close (wink wink) others, and butting heads/clashing is more aggressive (which is why zosan often bump heads when arguing). As a trade off for the preening Sanji will often gently touch his head to Zoro's as thanks, or when he's in a particularly bad spot (be it physically or mentally) as a way to comfort him without words being needed to be said. Sanji doesn't know the more romantic connotations of it <3

Sanji tends to "fluff up" during preening as subconsciously finding it extremely relaxing and pleasing and Zoro pokes fun at him for it a little but not too much to avoid scaring him away

40 year old Zosan here has Sanji much more comfortable asking Zoro for a preen or "demanding for it" and Zoro finds it "so annoying" but does it anyway (theyre grossly in love)

Sanji will tease Zoro for being so "brute" as a unicorn, and Zoro teases Sanji for being a "dumb peacock"

Sorry for so much of a ramble haha they're just so much fun to work with, and included a couple sketches to kind of go along with things and explore other characters! If you (or anyone) has any other questions I'll be happy to answer ❤️ (sorry if some of this doesnt make sense haha)

[mychlapci]

Im back again with more Rescue bots <3 i dub myself the chase / or Rescue bots anon because i will be sending more of this, or maybe some Pax <3

Heatwave eager to fuck chase the moment blades says he’s allowed to continue ‘facing with them. While on a mission to restore the generator or smthin Chase ends up getting pinned down and Heatwave doesnt hesitate to get the police bot to open his panels, Groping at doorwings and his panels <3

Boulder and Blades too busy to join in because theyre actually doing their jobs until the tell-tale flare of their speedster’s EM field disturbs them both, both of them spinning on their heels to look around- Chief noticing this and automatically being suspicious of where two of the bots are.

Chase on his front, heatwave propping and pounding into his still extremely sensitive valve, running hot the moment Heatwave carefully pulled him away from the team, his doorwings trembling as rough hands stroke over the steams and kibble. Chase digging his fingers into the dirt, trying not to scream, knowing that Boulder, Blades and definitely Chief would be annoyed, he knows that fucking in the middle of a mission is dangerous, they could be seen- be caught. And it just makes the poor policebot beg for more, the thought that they could be caught..Not following the one rule Chief set up for them that was: No sexual behaviour / and or sessions during missions. It just makes his valve clench down on the intruding spike. Heatwave knows this, and only pounds into his pretty bot harder, calling him beautiful, saying that he deserves this after carrying such perfect bitties for the three of them, But he wants some alone time with Chase, and even if he has to pound into the smaller bot’s valve until his valvelips are bruised and his node painfully swollen.

After awhile the two of them meet back with the team, Chase trying his best to hide a limp, his hud keeps on pinging, wanting to open his array so he cant get transfluid from the other two and ease the throbbing of his anterior node. He’d been taking all three of their loads for the last couple months and it’s a habit his frame doesnt intend to break anytime soon.

Does he get pregnant again? probably. Heatwave’s a smug bastard about it. Maybe he does the same to blades and now the team has two cranky carriers with over-protective coding and dealing with Boulder and Heatwave being even worse.

hell yeah, something about Chase, who is such a stickler for rules, getting off of breaking them really just does it for me. Of course he wants to follow the rules, especially if they're coming from chief Burns, but… when Heatwave smirks at him like that, like he's actually in a good mood for once, all his resolve breaks. He can always claim that he's still a little out of it after his carrying cycle, though he's worn that excuse out a little bit. It's not entirely untrue, though, after carrying the bitlets he has been a little distracted by his breeding drive urging him to do it again. Maybe that's why he really can't resist Heatwave. 

Chase with his face in the dirt and his hips in the air, trying to stay quiet as Heatwave pounds into him, tickling his fluttering door wings, slithering his hands over Chase's waist and reaching down to rub his spike… Heatwave is so rough with him, clearly rushing, constantly turning his head to make sure no one's walking towards them, he's hitting every single internal node so hard Chase is pretty sure he's going blind from his vision whiteing out constantly… They manage to overload and put themselves together before anyone finds them, but Chase is now having trouble keeping his panels closed. He's also convinced the transfluid is about to leak out soon and everyone will see...

Okay but… Heatwave knocking all of the rescue bots up. It's like a direct fuck you to the humans telling them to stop, for the love of god, reproducing constantly. Well, it's a fuck you only for a while, but he quickly realizes he might have not been thinking too rationally, as it turns out that he now not only has to do everyone's job, but he has three very horny carriers demanding transfluid. And his transfluid tank suddenly feels far too small to deal with this.

[quodekash]

OKAY WHAT WAS THAT (this is code for: ive just finished episode 2 of boss and a babe and now its time for my commentary bc i cant keep my thoughts to myself and i deeply apologise for it) 

“three and zo, my gaming teammates, have the same kind of love you have” I FREAKING KNEW IT OMG 

and FINALLY OMG IVE WAITED SO LONG TO SEE DRAKE SATTABUT LAEDEKE’S FACE ON MY SCREEN AND THAT DAY IS FINALLY HERE 

it’s always so abrupt and weird to hear people speaking english in this show. i dont like english as a language. please stop speaking it. either drake or force (genuinely cant tell because the english is so jarring to hear) literally says “oh my god man” and my brain is very confused 

oh how i have missed seeing this man’s absurdly thick eyebrows that i cherish so dearly 

THREE AND ZO ARE TOO CUTE 

THREE CALLING ZO TINY??? 

THREE SAYING SO CAN ONLY CARRY ONE THING AND IT’S HIS HEART 

ZO FEEDING THREE 

THEM FONDING OVER EACH OTHER 

THEM BEING UNASHAMED AND ADORABLE EVEN IN FRONT OF FORMAL BOSS MAN 

ah shoot theyre becoming soundwin 

aoi is so iconic. “since the boss isn’t here, you guys must help me record a tiktok video” i love her 

ALSO ALL OF CHER’S ENCOURAGEMENT THROUGHOUT THE EP AND HIS LOVE OF LOVE AND HIS ANTI-HOMOPHOBIA-NESS AND HIS EVERYTHING IS JUST SO GBGHBHTB I LOVE HIM SO MUCH 

HE SMILES??? HE KNOWS HOW TO DO THAT??? 

“i have no friends, im antisocial, and im gay” lmao same. well, actually not same. same about the gay part. not the rest of it

“do you need more than a hug?” sirs we are tWO EPISODES IN-- 

uM??? 

AND THEYRE JUST GONNA GO FOR IT AGAIN? ALRIGHT SURE THAT’S FINE I GUESS 

you know what, these two really didnt beat around the bush like tinn and gun did. tinngun couldve kissed 67 times and they only did in the last episode. and only twice. and one of those times barely counted. these two just went straight (well, gay) for it and honestly? good for them. 

still not entirely sure how to feel about how its not at all a professional relationship and also what exactly is the age gap here and also there’s the problem with that power imbalance they have but im ignoring all of that for now and hoping they resolve it later 

but my main takeaway from the episode: THREEZO IS CANON AND IM SO FREAKING HAPPY ABOUT IT 

and i didnt at all process anything in that preview of ep3 other than the fact that we’re gonna get a threezo cheek kiss and that thought alone is gonna carry me through this week 

[abigail-nicole]

tgcf liveread 2

archiving the twitter thread I made when I first read Heaven Official's Blessing, Tian Guan Ci Fu, one of the most delightful reading experiences of my life, in March of 2020 (this post from 3/26/20):

Chapter 30 starting with some STRAIGHT HUALIAN ROMANCE

"the two were just staring at each other, grinning"

just BROS HANGING OUT IN BED TOGETHER

Yall Ghost City is so cool & creepy & gruesome???? I can’t wait to see what the donghua does with this???? The animation will be INCREDIBLE

I’m sitting on my roof reading & when Shi Qingxuan said “Ghost City is Hua Cheng’s territory” I cackled so loudly someone down on the street looked up at me

“There’s a path for you in Heaven, but you refuse to take it, and instead, chose to barge into Hell. What shall we do with you?”

Hua Cheng slouching behind the curtain is like ALL THE LIFE GOALS OF SEXY

Hua Cheng watching Xie Lian roll into his casino like “honey did you think I wouldn’t notice you”

Hua Cheng, to all the bouncers: if you see the Crown Prince of Xian Le THAT IS MY BOYFRIEND AND BE NICE TO HIM. also BRING HIM TO ME BY WHATEVER FLIMSY EXCUSE NECESSARY

IM SO INTO THIS I CANT STOP YELLING TO THE CAT SITTING NEXT TO ME ON MY ROOFTOP CAN YOU BELIEVE HE HAS THE EYEPATCH NOW??? CAN YOU CAT WEVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS!!!!!!

cat & I enjoying the sunset While I Yell ABOUT THE CASINO LORD HUA CHENG

gentlemen I know you’re in love but EVERYONE IS STARING AT YOU

the sheer SEXUAL TENSION OF THIS SCENE

Oh good people in-scene are literally fainting because the sexual tension is too strong

Xie Lian: oh no all I can bet is my lunch leftovers which is this half eaten bun Hua Cheng: thank god my boyfriend hasn’t changed & always carries trash around in his pockets

this Dramatic Bitch I Love Him

Did I say Xie Lian was a himbo? I was wrong. Lang Qianqiu is the REAL himbo around here

The Two Himbos Win Out: we can’t lie to a friend that breaks bro code

oh my gOD IM LOSING IT

Okay let’s stop & talk about this personally & narratively

As an obligate extrovert who needs to be around 2-6 (but no more) people at all times to be happy: SAME, HUA CHENG, SAME

Narratively: if Hua Cheng our a flashing neon sign around his neck that said SINGLE it could not be more obvious than this comment (which was immediately preceded with “I never go to brothels”)

Hua Cheng, in this scene: I DON’T SLEEP AROUND, I’M SINGLE AS FUCK, CAN I MOVE INTO YOUR TINY APARTMENT SHRINE

and thank god the reaction from Xie Lian is “omg please move in with me immediately, we’ll share a pillowless bamboo mat and eat trash” and Hua Cheng is so happy

why is Hua Cheng so sexy ughhhhhh

this is a hell of an image

Noooooo don’t keep secrets from each other nooooooooooooooo

Jun Wu: don’t touch the scimitar no matter what

Xie Lian:

Jun Wu: don’t touch the scimitar no matter what

Xie Lian:

Xie Lian: is the scimitar his penis

Dad:

Xie Lian:

Nooooo why are they keeping secrets from each other is so stressful

Nooooooooo THIS IS GAY PANIC FROM XIE LIAN

AHHHHHHH THIS BOOK IS HITTING EVERY SINGLE HIGH NOTE

I had to read Hua Cheng’s lines here out loud in the sexiest voice I could think of bc threatening someone for your significant other is Sexy

Omg I Love E-Ming as much as Ruoye im sorry i was ever scared of this cute little pup if a sword

oh!!!! Soft!!!!! he is a Soft!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh i should’ve quit after.... so many parts ago I have to work tomorrow BUT i couldn’t leave if Hualian were Upset At Each Other now that theyre holding hands i can finally sleep

Okay I’ll resume tmrw with ch 49 in #tgcf, #heavensofficialblessing, this delightful delightful charming delicious piece of fiction please tune in anytime you like for a read along at https://sakhyulations.com/novel/heaven-officials-blessing/

(Full resources for mxtx translations at https://google.com/amp/s/thelostintern.tumblr.com/post/181315156804/mxtx-translations-masterpost/amp…)

archive note 2022: please buy official licensed publications of Heaven Official's Blessing, published by Seven Seas publishing, available where all major novels are sold!!!!!

[renegadeer]

 /gonna asssign every song on good news for people who like bad news sorry for being cringe </3

horn intro is literally just a horn intro it goes on for like 8 seconds and then ends its not a song. ill give it to uh box ig lol

world at large is suitcasecore. sorry. i like the lyrics

i know that starting over’s not what life’s about / my thoughts were so loud i couldnt hear my mouth

and also the uh. lots of bugs and stuff and sillys. and the tone of the whole thing. it is a nice song <3 the most mellow one on the list

float on is lightbulbcore its the most popular modest mouse song by far and its just very lightbulb core

it is funny silly. bout how bad things will happen and you cannot stop them but you all float on alright <3 and it is the prequel to lampshades on fire which is on another album but also lightbulb coded.. but for angstier reasons yum

OCEAN BREATHES salty is like my second favorite song on this album. and it is so marshmallow coded

your body may be gone im gonna carry it in / in my head, in my heart, in my soul

. then it goes onto nihilism. and the uh line “you get away from me” has two meanings in which one of the meanings is the singer pushing the dead person away from them and the other meaning is the singer not understanding why they did those things and. yipee marshcoded sorry. 

dig your grave is like a guitar and then 4 lines whispered 

. its a little bit mephone4 . its a precursor to the next song and that one is so mephone4

bury me with it is mephone4 coded. hehe . his themes in season 3 of refusing to let go

well the suit got tight and it split at the seams / but i kept it out of habit and i kept it real clean / but if its getting faded if its running out of thread / could you do this for me my friend? then it goes onto the chorus which is the title of the song <3. and its a fun song . mid song but its stil l got the

Dance hall

half the lyrics are im gonna dance all dance all every day and the other half are illusions to unhealthy coping mechanisms so i think i can give this one to lightbulb safely <3

bukowski <3 is my favorite song on this album and its about comparing the struggles over everyday people to god/authorities nd basically saying that authority figures  gotta be just as shitty as everyone else if theyre all created in his image. and its 

if god controls the land and disease / and keeps a watchful eye on me / if hes even so high and mighty / then my problems that i cant see / god, who'd wanna be such a control freak

religious and father symbolism in a lot of it. mephone4 again

anyways thats the last mephone4 song. the next song is That Devil's workday and its about NIHILISM but in the opposite direction of ocean breathes salty! if the shitty things you do barely matter then you keep on doing em! and thats taco! singer thinks they are beyond redeption and therefore doubles down on the shit they do! tacocore

The view is next and its pickle.

:) and i adore this song for its reoccurring theme of betrayal and hoping the Worst for the person who did . despite missing them and yipee

satin in a coffin is fun.

same theme of revenge but angrier and far less forlorn and. thumbs up emoji sorry. cant describe it this album has too many songs

Interlude (Milo) has no words. moving on

blame it on the tetons is softer and its also about blaming your personal apathy and emotional disengagement because all your attempts seem fruitless and i think thats </3 blueberry season 3 episode 10 sorrryyyy. she does blame it on the tetons.

black cadillacs is SO SUITCASE actually sorryy

alliance breakup arc core.

. actualky hold on im gonna obsess over this song all week i think dammit give me a bit to actually

One Chance

feels very paintbrushcoded :)

they care so much but they dont know how to go about Fixing things without hurting others in the process and they are fucking up. soo much and they decide its best to quit and. :)

The Good times are killing me

is aboht unhealthy coping mechanisms again and also the upbeat tune and the nihilism hidden under the bouncy guitar is just lightbulb coded. and also the lyrics is quite literally the Good Times are killing me. lightbulb song

[sir-sunny]

thh hcs cuz why not

makoto:

-he likes to paint his nails but everytime he does, he makes a goddamn mess all over his hands and the table

-he has dimples

-he's a really affectionate person; he gives hugs as a greeting, he'll grasp someones hands to show that he's listening intently, and he leans against people's shoulders

sayaka:

-she loves stuffed animals 

-when she gets really excited about something, she talks really loud and waves her hands around, its v cute

-she likes to bake. she'll make cute little cupcakes for just about any occasion. passed a test? cupcakes? won a competition? cupcakes. got a divorce? c. cup..cakes,,

leon:

-he has a pet bearded dragon

-he's a huge nerd abt superhero movies and comics

-he likes the idea of growing his hair out but he just cant stand the awkward phase in between long and short hair so he always ends up grabbing a pair of scissors and chopping all off

chihiro:

-they like to take walks while its raining

-they like to host movie nights with their friends (they always pirate the newest movies ;))

-i love love love the hc that they work out with sakura. and sakura is just so happy to help and the two of them are such good friends

mondo:

-his favorite snack is toffee peanuts

-he attends lots and lots of protests; protests for women's rights, gay rights, civil rights, you name it. he really passionate and yells very loudly

-he failed his driving test like three times

taka:

-he can play the violin

-he holds so much tension in his shoulders for the love of god someone get this guy a professional masseuse

-his class notes are upsettingly perfect. from his handwriting to the organization and color coding, its just unreal

hifumi:

-he loves to cosplay

-his depiction of characters are very diverse in his illustrations; he draws disabled people, plus sized people, poc, and so on

-him and chiro like to play pc games together

celeste:

-she'll vent to grand bois cheri (her cat) for hours on end, its very cathartic

-she gets freckles when she goes outside :) she hates it. she always carries a parasol with her when its sunny

-she won't tell anyone but she fucking LOVES rock and roll

sakura:

-she's quite the artist; she loves painting

-she's actually not the biggest fan of donuts, but she loves going on donut dates w hina so its ok

-she owns so many house plants and she takes good care of them too; she likes learing about plants so she knows a lot abt them

mukuro:

-she's actually really good at doing makeup; she doesnt do her own often, but she likes doing her friend's makeup

-she can do parkour 👀

-her favorite season is winter. she honestly loves playing the snow like a child (shes uuhh really intense in snowball fights)

junko (non-depair):

-she has quite the sweet tooth and she's always chewing gum

-she honestly hates wearing boots; theyre a pain to put on and theyre just too heavy

-she wants to be a voice actress; she has a VERY wide rage of voices

kyoko:

-she takes really good care of her hair; she cuts it and styles it herself. its very soft and silky and pretty

-makoto swears that she has a loud, guttural laugh (he loves it) but good luck ever trying to get her to laugh that hard

-she likes cloud watching. its very soothing to her

byakuya:

-he easily gets emotional when watching movies

-he cant see for shit without his glasses. if he loses track of them, he goes full velma mode

-he's actually kinda ripped; he takes really good care of his body (he's the type who looks thinner with clothes on amirite)

hina:

-she's very clumsy. she's always got scratches and bruises on her legs

-she's taken many boxing classes and she knows a lot of boxing moves (shes so buff are u kidding me)

-she's a VERY restless person. shes always moving; rocking back and forth on her heels or swaying her body from side to side

toko:

-despite making fun of hifumi, she likes reading and writing fan fiction

-she's afraid of the dark

-her and kyoko are really good friends and she will occasionally cloud watch with her. she genuinely enjoys their time together

hiro:

-he loves watching shitty movies and making fun of them

-he's a really sympathetic person and he's really good at giving his friends advice. or if they just wanna vent, he'll listen for hours

-his living space always radiates calm energy. the moment you walk in he offers a cup of tea and lights an incense

[emirrart]

Sonknux/Sonuckles headcannons?

oh absolutely

X/Modern SonKnux:

- knux was the one to confess. “I really like you. More than i thought i did.” so sonic replies “so are we dating for real now or...?”

- regular sparring, like its a weekly thing for them and they get upset when that gets canceled due to unforseen circumstances

- not too touchy at the start but they warm up to hugs and cuddles

- sonic learns how to braid just to piss knux off by braiding his spikes while hes napping (knux actually loves it but wont admit it)

- regularly hang out in forests and parks, they both love lots of fresh air

- hand holding becomes Their Thing, like if one of them looks upset or scared the other Will hold his hand

- adhd/autistic/dyslexic powercouple. they Will read together and they Will enjoy it.

- knux is MEGA protective. If anything even comes close to hurting sonic he is ON IT.

- sonic isn’t too good with wording how he feels but knux gets it. he Knows.

- knux cooks a lot and sonic becomes taste-tester

- raise chaos together!!!!

Boom SonKnux:

- sonic was the first to admit his feelings but he did it super casually. “Yo knux im not gonna lie i kinda wanna date you.”

- adhd/dyslexic/autistic powercouple. nothing has changed.

- cuddles All The Time.

- knuckles cries quite often, sonic doesnt cry much at all, so when sonic starts crying one time knuckles is on full panic mode and does his best to help

- “wanna do something foolish?” is code for “lets go on a date”

- dates usually consist of hikes, beach sports or going absolutely feral

- knux confides in sonic that he feels stupid, and doesn’t like being percieved that way, so sonic does his best to correct people on certain things and defend knux when theyre making fun of him

- playfully mock eachother, but never let it get out of hand.

- Amy, Tails and Sticks sometimes decide to come with the boys on their casual dates because hey its free entertainment when they go crazy go stupid

- knux benchpresses sonic you cant convince me otherwise

- “bro close your eyes” “ok bro” “what do you see bro?” “nothing bro.” “thats my world without you bro” “bro.....” is them personified

- cannot fall asleep cuddling because sonic moves around a lot in his sleep and knux doesnt want to lose an eye to his bfs spikes (sometimes theyre just So tired tho that it just happens and knux often has a rude awakening from the needlemouse)

- knux carries sonic for no reason sometimes and everyone is like ?????

- video game nights are every saturday and they Will Not Miss It.

- kisses are not usually their thing. they’re down for hugging n playful punching, but sometimes knux just gets So full of love and sonic is Right There so guess what its time for one (1) smooch

- neither of them can cook. instant ramen is their staple.

- those bandages n that sports tape? they help eachother wrap them.

- sonics overloads? knux has big enough hands to cover his whole head. knux Will get him out of that situation.

- KARAOKE NIGHTS ALL THE TIME.

[corvidshipping]

modern au red/milo dump while i try to get myself together to answer asks nd work on ATJ:

(tw for alcohol mentions near the end, also this is an EXTREMELY long post, its so long that even after i split it into categorized sections each section could be its own post)

CLOTHING

milo absolutely has no sense of fashion. i feel like this is basically canon - for the styles at the time, he dresses fairly basic, mostly focused on looking put together for his job (definitely dresses aimed more towards how he would like to be treated by his peers, despite his actual position - then again our best example outside of the expedition is when he's about to deliver what he considers the most important presentation of his life, so who knows, maybe he usually dresses like a slob). aside from that his main concern seems like practicality and comfort. his wardrobe is dominated by earth tones - beiges and greens set with white and greys. all of that taken into account, i can see him dressing like this in a more modern era:

basically- a lot of cardigans, usually collared shirts or comfortable turtlenecks (since he does still occupy a research position at the smithsonian, even if only in title), big ol' coats, khakis and chinos and slightly stiff dress pants complete with ironed creases. i can see him wearing similar clothes outside work, just more comfortable - jeans and knitted shirts, henleys, more turtlenecks, and comfy cardigans over short sleeved shirts. i dont really see him wearing a lot of prints, i think he'd veer more towards solid clothes in lighter colors, but maybe he has a few. hes definitely the kind of guy to think of wearing the single graphic tee he owns as "bold and wild".

im very married to the idea of him wearing converse though. i cant explain it. milo in converse keeps me going in this world

hes kind of broke so i think maybe he got the converse secondhand maybe? or a gift of some kind. aside from the converse i can see him wearing a lot of oxfords and maybe wingtips

i want to see him in a hawaiian shirt so bad. i am losing it at this thought. he buttons it all the way up to his neck like someones awkward dad. milo wears a hawaiian shirt to "let loose". he wears it with like, khakis. or knee length jorts AHHHHDJHDSGJHDSJGh

a tie??? does he wear his hawaiian shirt with a tie???? does he think it makes it look cooler?????????? i am sobbing

red is the COMPLETE opposite. in the canon 1914 setting, red is already very rebellious for an AFAB person of their era- theyre openly a suffragette, they frequently refuse to wear skirts even in public and dress in mens clothes even before they were openly nonbinary, despite not being accepted into the male-dominated research fields and colleges they continue to educate themself with or without help, they purposely aim for an "unfeminine" silhouette when they dress, refuse to wear corsets, etc. (spoiler alert- there's a clear reason they get on so well with audrey in ATJ)

theyre also easily mistaken by people that didnt know them prior to their transition for being just a very small/young cis man- even though they canonically have a very soft "traditionally feminine" face

so basically, in any era theyre set into, red is always gonna aim to be ahead of the curve- both in their personal beliefs and practices and in their fashion. theyre also very androgynous in their clothes, although they tend to aim a bit more masculine (thats partially due to the era though, and having been forced into skirts exclusively for their entire life- i think in a modern setting where its more acceptable for AFABs to dress and act in a less hyperfeminine way, theyd be more okay with a fluidity in their gender presentation).

all that taken into account, i can see them dressing like this:

lots of baggy clothes, especially baggy jackets and shirts. they like loose fitting high waisted pants like JNCO jeans, cargo pants, etc but they arent averse to pencil legs. they rarely ever wear skinny jeans or drainpipes though. messy hair is a lifestyle for them- their haircut is definitely home-done

you know how in BICSTLY they used to have really long hair before they cut it? in a modern au i can see them impulsively doing the cut at like 3am and waking milo up at his door cause they screwed it up and he ends up having to help fix it (even though hes literally no better at cutting hair than them. worse even)

definitely have an undercut bob- bob on top, shaven on the bottom layer. they might end up growing their hair into a mullet at some point if they get bored. probably dyes their hair all the time out of boredom and then regrets it later and has to use dye remover.

lots of ripped tights and fishnets, leggings with big loose crop tops, big hoodies, safety pin jewelry and homemade jewelry. maybe some sticknpokes.

all that said, they still know how to dress in a professional situation. since its a modern au theres really nothing holding them back from the education and career they canonically want but cant get in the 1910s, so i imagine they would work at the smithsonian as well, maybe their father helped them get the job? potentially in that case they might be his assistant- after all, he trusts their opinion on artifacts more than anyone else's.

at work you can still very much see the punk/skater/grunge/goth style but its more understated- turtlenecks, high waisted and looser dress pants, lots of black, slightly unbuttoned collared shirts with a loose overcoat and no tie

since i elaborated on milos shoe taste i may as well elaborate on red's: they definitely wear converse as well, probably newer than milo's since their father is fairly wealthy and they can afford it. they also have a doc martens collection. they have a pair of demonias but they never wear them and milo is really the only person to even know they own them, let alone see them in them. they really dont like to wear heels much, but they own a few just to play around with. they have a bad habit of wearing any laced shoes untied, but they never trip over the laces. they also use lace code- their most-worn Docs have purple laces on the right foot and yellow on the left. some of their Docs have (reclaimed) pink laces.

has an extensive pin collection including feminism pins, anti-racism pins, punk-related pins, skater-related pins, and pop culture pins (80s music, modern music, old movies, etc)

MUSIC TASTE

milo's into a lot of older music- stuff from the 50s is his favorite. really into jazz and ballroom style stuff. his favorite band is queen, i think- he likes the old-fashioned sound, the jazz-chamber-ballroom influences, the diversity of their lyrics, and the complexity between the guitar riffs, the basslines, and freddie's vocal runs as well as the vocal harmonies.

sometimes he hums good old fashioned lover boy to red and they two-step in the living room in their pajamas :pleading:

also very into rush. yes, he is a rush guy :pensive:.

also listens to a surprising amount of lo-fi? he really likes stuff that remixes older music with hip hop and lofi elements, like earl grey. nearly exclusively into instrumental stuff but also very into louie zong. he listens to it while he works a lot.

knows a lotttt of foreign artists, especially niche ones. fuckin LOVES casiopea

red's spotify is a goddamn mess. everything from 2000s emo, to classic 70s punk, to post-punk and new wave, to 90s pop, to rap. they cant be easily classified at all

their favorite bands are oingo boingo, prince, queen (they listen to a lot of their harder-rock music, but milo knows theyre into the ballads too. theyll never tell anyone else though), doja cat, lil nas, fall out boy, and billie eilish.

red recites the intro monologue to lets go crazy very seriously to make milo laugh, sometimes. they get very into it with their facial expressions. sometimes it devolves into a full air guitar/keyboard/drum and wild dancing session. milo does not know how to participate in this but he loves watching them have fun with it. sometimes they pull him off the couch to make him dance with them, though

they are a huge sucker for dark pop, vaporwave, retrowave, EDM, hip hop, emo, punk... etc etc. anything that combines any two or more of those genres in an original or interesting way gets their attention right away

there's a lot of sharing between the two of them- even though their music tastes are so different, they like a lot of the others taste, and theyre always up to listen to whatever their partner is playing.

red is a huge softie, and milo has found them more than once listening to or humming something he was playing for them the other day because it reminded them of him

speaking of which- in the 1914 canon, red can play piano. i think that carries over to a modern au, where they could play piano and by extension keyboard. i like to think they experiment with a lot of instruments but i doubt they ever really mastered any others. maybe theyre okay at drums or bass?

they learned to play and sing teo torriatte for milo, as a surprise. when they first performed it for them, they had everything set up for when he got home from work- the lights were dimmed, they had candles lit around the keyboard, they draped stuff in cloth to make it look pretty, they scattered flower petals around. when milo walked in and saw it all, he almost proposed then and there- the only thing that stopped him was that he would kick himself for the rest of his life if he did that without a ring.

HOBBIES/ACTIVITIES

milo is still an avid chess player in this, but i like to think hes in some kind of groupchat or text or discord server for it. he doesnt necessarily consider any of the others in the chat close friends, but he does know them all by name

he tries to get red into chess but they never really get it

he tells them all about the stuff that goes down in the games and they just. do not understand. but they love listening to him get excited about it anyway

"red you're not gonna BELIEVE this, eddie played an italian game on star today! i thought for sure she would see through it since everyone knows it but she slipped and he beat her in like, 13 moves! i wouldnt have believed it if i hadnt been there!"

"yes sweetie please tell me more" (barely disguised pained expression)

red is a skater and a regular at the skate park by the smithsonian

most regulars there know them by name, they can spot a newbie a mile away

they have a sticker of a broken tv with a skull inside of it on the underside of their board, its become recognized as a symbol of them unofficially

since theyre so regular and have been going there a lot longer than most of the other skaters that frequent the place, a lot of what they say is kind of just accepted as the rules

they have a bad habit of lecturing new kids who show up without knee/elbow pads or helmets at the very least. all the other skaters enforce it too. kids dont end up showing up without protective gear very often after their first visit

they brought a first aid kid and left it there and everyone has kept it stocked pretty well without them having to have much input. its kind of just a communal first aid kit

they once drew the broken tv symbol on the inside of a half-pipe and everyone started calling it red's ramp after that

they also started calling the bowl at the center of the park the Soup Bowl and now thats just accepted as the name. some of the newer kids genuinely thought that it was called that by the park and were shocked when they found out it was just a random nickname red gave it one day

theyve brought milo a few times but hes extremely awkward on his feet and could never really get his balance on a skateboard, and quite frankly red is afraid of what might happen if he tried even a low ramp, so he usually just sits at the rim of the bowl while red skates around

everyone knew he was their boyfriend before they even met him. a few of the regulars called him by name right away. one of them was certain red had brought him before.

but no

they just talk so fuckin much about him that its like they already know him

aside from skateboarding, red is pretty good on rollerskates/blades

they tried to take milo to a roller rink once but it was a disaster and they ended up going home, changing into pajamas, ordering chinese food, and marathoning movies till they fell asleep on the couch together. so not a total loss

theyre both very into movies. red is deep into horror and milo likes indie/art movies and just Cannot handle horror at all, but they both agree on old movies, from the 80s and 90s to like the 30s.

red has shown milo some of the classic horror movies and the niche old ones (from like the 40s) since theyre not difficult to stomach

every so often when red brings up wanting to see a horror movie milo is like "aw babe we can watch that tonight i promise it wont be bad" and he genuinely thinks he can handle it this time

he cant

he never can

it is always a lie

red ends up holding him every time and talking him to sleep, but it thankfully never causes like a major panic attack or anything like that

they love going to museums together, of all kinds. they love art museums. they also go to aquariums and aviaries

sometimes they like to go to other history museums and criticise the veracity or accuracy of exhibits/translations, all in good fun of course. theyre never actually being mean about it

SIDENOTES/UNCATEGORIZED

they both used to work at starbucks, when they were younger and before they worked at the smithsonian. they worked at separate stores 2 blocks from each other.

milo cant stand soda or carbonated drinks, red can and will chug a java monster in order to survive a long workday if they must. milo is constantly concerned for their health and wellbeing

they r both lightweights when it comes to drinking. they can split a six pack and both be falling-over drunk by the end of the night.

given the changes in beauty standards people DEFINITELY think milo is more attractive than they would in 1914. cmon. hes a lil twinky nerd. you think people wont eat that up?

he never really catches onto the flirting much though

did u think i would forget ki/da and the others? youd be wrong.

i simultaneously like the idea of something similar to the movie happening, but also just like... ki/da just being a regular person living on the surface. in either case they r all friends still

in the case of ki/da just being a regular person on the surface- i like the idea of atl/antis just being A Place in this au, maybe its a bit of a closed off country though? like, not many foreigners live there and to get there you basically need to be there as a diplomat or a scholar

maybe ki/da visits DC as a diplomat? she is a princess, after all

red meets audrey online cause they both yell at the same misogynistic asshole on twitter

they exchange discord names in the replies of the tweet and tell the guy not to interrupt them while theyre talking in his replies

i like to think red and milo are selected to go on an academic visit to atl/antis (to learn about the culture, with permission of the king), and audrey ends up as the mechanic on the ship during the visit and theyre like (spiderman pointing meme) at each other

red and audrey have so many inside jokes that they basically speak a different language. milo gets some of the terms from context and pop culture (they use "so very" in real life- as in "wow, that shirt is so very.") but he is hopeless to learn all of it

one of their inside jokes is any variation of "milo hot girl summer" and they REFUSE to explain it to him no matter how much he begs

milo wears that iconique tank top on the ship and they say it literally any time he bends over, picks anything up, reaches for anything, moves, BREATHES. he is bewildered and at this point concerned

(in truth, the joke came from red taking a really blurry picture of him in a short sleeve shirt where he looked pretty cute and captioned it "milo's having a hot girl summer rn" and they just could not stop repeating it once audrey met him IRL)

they have a minecraft world. i do like to believe that every so often vinny finds a way in- theyre never sure how- and griefs the shit out of them by blowing up EVERY. monument.

this post is getting long bc im enraptured by the idea of an atl/antis modern au so im cutting it off here but expect WAY MORE later

[cleaduvalls]

i watched “spy kids 3″ twice in one week and back-to-back throughout my childhood and here are my thoughts

whos gonna use 3d effects at home

up your prices

JUNI NO YOUR H A I R

hahah funney cuz he stepped in gum

its so quiet my volumes at 44 and its too quiet

the music sounds a little like isle of dreams from the last one

oh hes wearing the necklace!!

fun fact i hadnt seen any of rocky until freshman year and when i did i didnt know where i had seen that guy before. turns out hes the toymaker

juni dont ever step out of line for ANYTHING

buscemi!!!!

spider dude!!!!

ralph!!!!!

gerti!!!

whats up with the fancy pot. i hate it. doesnt match the aesthetic

if you havent seen her since christmas “last year” then that means you havent seen her in over a year. someone would have gone for her by now

shes NINE???????

“everyones your family” yeah no i dont want “everyone” in my family

“retired” youre ELEVEN

what was with that zoom in

“games and theory” dont you mean GAME THEORY

that dude looks like colonel sanders

ew its donnagon

oh shit mrs giggles is cute

v boxx???? ew

and i OOP-

i just realized theres been an “are you with me” type thing in each movie so far

why are there only five levels????? logically there would be one tutorial level, so you only get 4 levels to play on

he go ZOOM

looks like jumpstart

or reader rabbit

he can still use telepathy????

why is he carrying the coins???????? 

this guy looks like antman

he looks nothing like a toad

wait thats the floating head from sharkboy and lavagirl. tobias i think???????

so its hardcore mode????? just make a new account

they only added that for more 3d effects didnt they

this is just target smash from smash bros

the dark side of the moon doesnt exist stupid

youre TESTERS why are you trying to WIN

“knows karate”

when i was younger i was so confused why the time went down but now i realize that they actually had to GET grandpa

yeah well he DID deal with it

iron man? dont you mean valentin avellan?

i paused the movie for like 20 minutes to find my old spy kids 3d glasses and couldnt and now im sad

the dude in silver looks like this guy i know

juni is bumblebee

p r e d d y

he escaped by winning. if demetras so good, why is she still here???

WHY DOES HER MECH HAVE TIDDIES

“no ear biting” isnt that mike tyson

wait is the platform gyroscopic or not????? it is in some instances but not in others????

great job juni you killed her

i like the hippie one hes cool

nevermind hes lame

i like the killer guy now. chaotic evil

i think they legit used daryl sabara for the poster

i feel like i had junis car as a taco bell toy but it was blue

why would you listen to him

actually it IS a turbo boost it just turbo boosts you out of the car

wOah

oh no he died

why is grandpa so cool

according to my physics teacher that shouldnt work

why is antman helping you

these bikes shouldnt be working either

why would you have to lose a life to continue the race??? the fall is clearly implemented so why does juni lose a life???

why is there a COUNTDOWN

was there a time limit on the race??? i didnt pay attention

who are the dudes in the background

i never got the “atari-sega-nendo” joke until this week. i was a loser child

even if you dont shut it down before people get online its still gonna take them a bit to get to level 5, you have buffer time

“my cool” THATS👏NOT👏A👏SKILL👏

juni theyre already gone

wait thats illegal

“lava mountain” you mean a volcano??????

hahah l0zerz

awwwwwwwww

they stole tetris

oh my God its lego star wars

wait there are TWO characters in yellow suits you cant DO THAT

oh no she died

THERES THE ICONIC LINE

“dont fall in love with a game juni” WHAT ABOUT MINECRAFT

holy crap i thought that was loss for a second

“my feet stink” THATS A REFERENCE TO THE LAST ONE!!!!!

carmen!!!!

great job juni

because lava is COOL

the floor looks like 25 pounds of meth disguised as ancient aztec calendars

i was so confused as a kid because i had actual tinker toys and these weren’t it

i alwasy wanted to be the guys in the cells

i thought they couldnt help juni anymore????? why can they manipulate the game NOW

oh no have all died

nevermind

why are you always conspiring against juni???

haha gameboy

so apparently thats elijah wood??? dont know who that is but he looks like a rat

wow. inspirational.

is the guy like??????? really tall or something?????

oops

aww :((

what kind of advanced AI is this???? developing feelings???

yes you can youre literally just code

awwwwww

you may not be smart but you have g r e a t fashion sense

its called virtual reality look it up

i love this part because hes working so hard but then his kids are calling so he just… goes

also why did they reapprove this program

WHAT ABOUT YOUR CHILDREN THEYRE PRETTY IMPORTANT

you dont have to BREAK IT you could just LEAVE

SEE YOU A R E THEIR UNCLE

nice hair ingrid

machete!!!!

F L O O P!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOVE👏THAT👏DUDE👏

and minion i guess

oh!!!!! floops wearing the good coat!!!!!!! he better run!!!!!

SOMEBODY RING THE DINKSTER??????

romero!

didnt you specifically say “im no loon” in the second one????

whats with the fist bump sound effect

hmm i wonder who

he go ZOOM

you can still????? go to a wedding????? in a wheelchair???? like i can assure you thats a thing

also its canon that at this point that ingrid is less than 30. carmen is 14. that means ingrid was 16 when she had carmen, and we know she was married beforehand

the toymaker isnt allowed to be family yet

YES!!!!!!! FLOOP IS FAMILY!!!!!!!!! LOVE THAT DUDE!!!!!!!!

OH MY GOD THERE WERE NO SHIITAKE MUSHROOMS D:

OH!!!!!! INGRIDS FAMILY IS AVELLAN BECAUSE THE OTHER PRODUCERS LAST NAME IS AVELLAN!!!!!! nice

alexa vega went so hard for the song in this one i love it

wait now i have to review the fourth one oh NOOOOO

[let-it-raines]

I was reading this "ex prompt list" and while I want you to write all of them, I really liked this one: "You talk about me in your new song and I get mad over it, so I’m standing outside your apartment door to argue, only to see you open the door half naked." Thank you, darling! You're a gift!

She’s on her way home from work when she hears it. Listening to the radio isn’t something she does, not anymore, but her car can’t connect to her phone’s Bluetooth and she forgot the aux cord, so it was either the radio or silence.

She probably should have stayed in silence.

Because for the first time in three months, for the first time since she was in Target and heard one of his songs over the speakers, she hears his voice.

And she hates it.

But she apparently hates herself a little bit more because she doesn’t change the station or turn the radio off. She doesn’t recognize the opening chords to this song. She recognizes the chords to every song. She knows all of the lyrics, all of the rifts and pauses. She knows everything.

But she doesn’t know this one.

It’s quiet, sullen, the usually prominent instruments muted in the background so that his voice comes through as clearly as possible. It takes her thirty seconds and two references of a swan flying away – really subtle there, Jones – for her to realize that the song is about her. She has to pull over to the side of the road, making several different cars blare their horns at her, but she can’t…she can’t listen to this while driving. She can’t hear him sing a song that’s clearly about their break up. She has to listen, but she can’t do anything else.

She can barely breathe.

He sounds broken. But she knows that’s on purpose. He records those songs a million times over, until he gets them exactly how he wants them to be, so she knows that he’s manufactured it this way. She’s watched him record enough songs to know how things work.

How dare he do this.

How dare he put their private life out there for anyone with ears to hear.

Hot tears sting behind her eyes, and she has to bury her face in her hands while her throat constricts, emotion lodging itself there and making her feel as if she has to vomit. Or as if she can’t breathe. She doesn’t know. She doesn’t know anything.

All she knows is that she misses him. She misses Killian.

But right now she hates him for making her relive their breakup, for making her relive the agony that was the weeks and months of separation that inevitably led them to walking away from each other.

Or maybe it was her.

She’s not sure. If anything, it’s all a blur of tears and alcohol, sobs wracking her body while she was unable to feel anything but pain. She’d waited so long to find someone who understood her, who wanted to be with her with no reservations, who wouldn’t leave. But then he had left. It had been for work. She knows this. She understands this. Despite everything, she wants nothing more than for him to be happy and to follow his dreams. She just wishes it didn’t come at the expense of them.

She just wishes she’d been strong enough to handle the months of separation and the way that their schedules never matched up, the way that they were constantly missing each other when they tried to call.

The song ends and immediately something happy, upbeat plays through her speakers. She’s having some kind of meltdown on the side of the road, and the world keeps going by. Cars continue to drive by, shaking her bug with their momentum, and the song that’s about one of the worst periods of her life is quickly forgotten and replaced by something about…dancing in a club. It’s literally just about dancing.

She lets out a watery chuckle, the emotion that was lodged in her throat clearing the slightest bit so that she can breathe. Was she not breathing? She might not have been breathing.

Now that she can breathe again, she inhales, sucking her chest in before letting out a gush of air in an attempt to calm herself. In her review mirror she can see that her face is red and splotchy, that her eyes are still watery, and she has to wipe away the snot that’s formed at her nose.

It’s as she’s rubbing her eyes, trying to clear her vision, that all of the sadness starts to twist, transforming into something else entirely. She’s pissed. Absolutely pissed. And she can’t help but think of her earlier thoughts when the song first started playing.

How dare he do this to her.

How dare he write that song and put it on the radio.

Before she knows it, she’s putting her car in drive, looking over her shoulder to make sure the road is clear, before she’s pulling off of the dirt and onto the pavement, speeding down the road in the direction of Killian’s apartment instead of toward hers, driving in the direction of the place where she lived for so long. She knows he’s home, that he’s in town. And she only knows this because David still talks to him, still talks about him, and she overheard David talking to Mary Margaret about Killian being home for the next few weeks and how they’re going to go out for a pint to catch up.

She knows the path to his apartment better than she knows the path to her own, a right here followed by another until it’s a straight shot to the parking garage underneath his building. She still has her sticker, the one that lets her inside. She never could get the damn thing off.

But now it’s useful as she pulls into an empty guest space, hastily getting out of the car and slamming the door shut as she makes her way over to the elevator, hoping that the code hasn’t changed and she can still get inside. It’s only two minutes before she’s standing in front of his door, the momentum and adrenaline propelling her hand forward until she’s banging on the wood so roughly that her hand might actually hurt.

She hurts.

Every bit of anger, of malice, of disappointment that she has is on the tip of her tongue, posed to be spit at him as soon as she sees him, but then the door is swung open and she sees him for the first time in…shit. It’s been five months. It’s been three months since she heard his voice in Target, but it’s been five months since she’s seen him.

And he’s now standing in front of her with his hair damply falling across his forehead, water trailing down the hair of his chest, and the words of his tattoo peeking up over the white towel he has slung across his hip.

Fuck.

She doesn’t have any other words, especially as his fists clench and the muscles in his arms strain while his jaw ticks. He’d look surprised when she first showed up, his lips parting before closing, almost as if he had something he wanted to say. But now he looks angry, a storm raging behind his eyes, and all she can think about is the time that they went to Bermuda for their anniversary and spent the entire week either in bathing suits, a towel, or nothing at all.

“What are you doing here, Swan?”

There’s no anger in his voice though. It’s calm, even, and it’s that fact that gets her back on track. He sounded broken in the song. He’s obviously not broken like she is.

“How dare you write that song,” she spits, trying to keep her voice just as steady, knowing that she’s failing. “You just put our life, my life, out there for everyone to hear.”

“No one knows it’s about you.”

“I do! I know! Our friends know! Everybody goddamn knows! I’m driving down the road on my way home from work, trying to live my life, trying to move on, and I just have everything that I’m trying to forget thrown back in my face like that.”

“Love – ”

“Don’t call me that,” she cries, hating how her voice cracks. She shouldn’t have done this. She shouldn’t have come. She should have never let her emotions drive her, but that’s always what’s she’s done. She’s never been one to be able to hold back when she really feels. “I am not your love. You’ve made that very clear.”“Swan,” he grits, crossing his arms over his heaving chest, “if you want to yell at me, come inside. I have neighbors, and I don’t think we want them witnessing this.”

She huffs, disbelief that he’s actually inviting her inside so that she can continue this emotional breakdown, but her feet still carry her inside, her eyes glancing over the apartment the moment she gets inside. It all looks exactly the same.

She hates that it all looks the same.

Something should have changed.

All of her stuff is gone.

She’s gone.

Something should have changed.

She turns around to look back at Killian, who’s locking the door behind him before running his hands through his damp hair, pushing it back on his forehead, before he’s rubbing his fingers over his scruff. She hates how good he looks almost as much as she hates that that’s what she’s focusing on.

“Why are you here?” he sighs, the indignation he had replaced with acceptance. “The song? You’re mad about the song?”

“Of course I’m mad about the song. How could I not be? Have you heard it?”

“I wrote it. And in case you’ve forgotten, I have dozens of other songs about you, nearly every one of them on a record somewhere. You never seemed pissed about those then.”

“We weren’t broken up then.”“Well whose bloody fault is that? Because it’s not mine. I didn’t want to break up.”

“You think I wanted to break up?” she screams, not caring about staying calm while her entire body heats, her skin feeling overly warm and her head throbbing while her heart pounds. “You think I wanted to be having breakdowns on the side of the road because I can’t handle reliving parts of our relationship. You think I wanted to be the girl who sat at home and cried every time you didn’t pick up the phone? Every time you had to go one minute into our conversation? Every time I went out with my friends and heard your voice on the speakers at a bar when I hadn’t actually heard your voice in days? You think I wanted that?”

She can’t…she can’t breathe again, her heart beating far too quickly in her chest. This isn’t healthy. This isn’t good. She needs…she needs to sit down. So she does, collapsing to the ground and resting her back against his hallway wall while she wraps her arms around her knees and lets herself have another breakdown.

Who the hell needs dignity?

“Emma,” Killian sighs, and that only makes things worse. He never calls her Emma, not unless something is important, and she hates herself for this entire situation. She hates that he is able to still have this power over her, that she still loves him so much that she can’t fathom the fact that she’s not with him.

“Emma,” he repeats, kneeling down next to her, his towel opening as he squats, which really doesn’t help the situation at all. “Are you okay?”

“Do you think I’m okay?”

“No.” His thumb reaches up and wipes away the tears on her cheek. That’s the first time she’s felt his touch in five months too. And it’s also what makes her look up to see that he’s got a tear falling onto his cheek too. “I’m sorry, lo – Swan. I’m sorry that you heard the song and that it hurt you.”

“Why’d you write it then? You had to know that I’d hear it eventually.”

“Because I hurt too. Music is how I deal with things. You know this. You’ve always known this. And how the hell else am I supposed to deal with my heartbreak?”

“By writing the damn song and then not putting it on the radio.”

“I had to fulfill my contract. I had to release a new single.”

“Don’t you have another one? One that’s not about us?”

“No.”

She sighs, leaning her head back against the wall and tightly closing her eyes all while she physically aches. She aches for them to be back to normal, aches for this to not be happening anymore. She should have never come here.

“How long are you home?”

“What?” he stutters, his voice visibly shaken.

She opens her eyes and looks back at him, attempting to even her breaths. “How long are you home this time? How long until you have to leave again?”

“A few weeks. I’ve got to go back and meet with the guys for a couple of days at the end of September.”

She doesn’t know why she does what she does next, but before she can stop herself, before she can think straight, she leans forward and slides her lips over his in a harsh, demanding kiss. Her hands are in his hair in an instant, using the soft strands to tug him closer, and his hands find her face, the warmth and roughness of the pads of his fingers holding her to him as well. It’s like being connected, like being right, after so many months of not feeling like herself, of feeling like something in her life is off kilter.

Like something is wrong.

She doesn’t care that they shouldn’t be doing this. She doesn’t care that she shouldn’t be pushing Killian against the floor, the hardwood uncomfortable under her knees, and she doesn’t care that she’s losing her mind over the way that Killian’s groaning into her mouth and thrusting his hips up against hers, the towel doing nothing to hide his arousal.

And she really doesn’t care when they stumble away from the entrance of his apartment and fall back into his bedroom, quickly and surely moving against each other in the way that they always have. He feels good, fantastic, and she knows she should never be thinking about she and Killian together when they’re very obviously having a relapse, a collapse back into the them they used to be.

So she doesn’t say anything, doesn’t let herself not enjoy this, but she can’t speak, she can’t return Killian’s words of ecstasy and affection while he moves inside of her and above her. She simply falls into how good, how right, this feels, and figures that she’ll…she’ll figure it all out later.

It turns out when later comes that she’s still not ready to figure it out. She still doesn’t know what to do. Instead of getting up and leaving when they were finished, she didn’t. She stayed. She’s not sure that she had the strength to leave, that she even wanted to, so now she’s wrapped up in one of Killian’s sweaters while her legs are stuck in between his and his hands are trailing through her hair. She feels his heartbeat under her palm, the slow rise and fall of his chest a rhythm that she knows better than any other.

A rhythm that she knows better than any song he’s ever written.

“Sex doesn’t solve our problems, Swan. You know that, right?”

“I know,” she confesses, snuggling closer to him despite everything. “I don’t…we shouldn’t have. I shouldn’t even still be here. I’m not sure what came over me, over us.”“A hell of a lot of emotions.” She feels his lips against her forehead, the sweat that’s gathered there being pushed away. “We’ve got…there’s a lot left between us, love. There was never anything wrong between us, I don’t think. I just wasn’t there.”

“That’s kind of what went wrong. You can’t be in a relationship without being there.”

“But it’s not us. It was the distance, my job.”

“Which is your dream.”

“Aye, it was my dream,” he confirms softly, running his fingers through her hair and down her back. “It is my dream. But I should have never let it come between us. You’ve been my life for half a decade. You have been there for absolutely everything, and I should have tried harder, should have done more.”

“I don’t think there was anything either of us could have done.”

“I could have made more time to call. I could have scheduled breaks between cities. I could have booked a flight for me, for you. I could have done so much to save us, to make you feel less alone.”

“Killian, this isn’t all on you.”

“No, no, it’s not, but I’ve had five months of living alone, even when I wasn’t here, to think about all of the things I could have changed.”

“Me too,” she sighs, lifting her head from his chest and untangling her legs before she moves to the other side of the bed, putting distance between them all the while Killian rubs his hand up and down his face trying to work out the stress lines. “I don’t…I don’t know what to do.”

“I don’t either. Do you even want to try again? Or are we chalking this up to a one-time thing? To a fallback?”

For the first time since she’s shown up here, he sounds as broken as he did during the song. He sounds like she feels, like there’s something missing, something just out of reach. He sounds…he doesn’t sound like Killian. Not the one that she knew. Not the one who woke her up in the mornings with a smile on his face and laughter in his eyes. Not the one who sang while he cooked, often burning the food because he would start writing down the beginnings of a song.

He doesn’t sound like the man who loved her.

The man who she loves.

“I don’t want it to be that,” she answers honestly, wrapping her arms around her legs and resting her chin on her knees. “But I can’t go back to how we were…what do you want?”

“You.”

A shiver runs down her spine, gooseflesh popping up on her skin.

“That’s all. You just want me?”

“Always, Emma,” he promises, his lips ticking up on the right and the lines around his eyes crinkling while his tongue clicks. “But you’re right. We can’t…I can’t leave like that. I can’t do things just for me without considering you. And you can’t let me just do it and say that things are okay.”

“I kind of figured you knew things weren’t okay.”

“You’ve never lied to me, so I didn’t expect it then. I always believed the words that you said.”

“So what are we doing, Killian? What do we do?”

He shrugs, sitting up against the headboard. “We try again. We make compromises. We do better. For ourselves. For each other. And maybe I don’t put a song out without letting you know.”She smiles, the first genuine smile without heartbreak hidden behind it, for the first time today. Maybe for the first time in months.

“I’d like that.”

It takes more than one day for things to get back to normal. It takes weeks, months really. Killian was a constant part of her life for five years, but after nearly half a year apart, things don’t simply snap back. Trust has to be rebuilt, routines have to become routine again, and she has to learn that things are never going to be perfect and that compromise is a hell of a lot harder than simply saying the word. You actually have to break and bend, give and give up, but it’s worth it if you want to make things work.

She wants to make things work.

Killian does too.

And the next time she hears a song on the radio that’s about her, Killian’s voice isn’t broken. And neither is her heart.

[teddy-feathers]

look my problem with the au megamind where Roxanne is the alien and megamind is the reporter is i cant stop thinking about what i want out of that and how its probably not what other people want out of that which should mean 'oh shit i gotta write it' but really means 'in the next couple of months im going to rewatch megamind and be extremely frustrated because idk how to write these people as is let alone in an au'

but here are some thoughts

Itd have to take place on megaminds home world so like. have to develop that culture and frame it as the usual and other things as oddities

metroman still shows up at the same time the baby human does

roxan richie and metromans rivalry is less of a game and more of a metroman one up'd her ome to many times so now shes gotta take him out

its fine not because shes incompetent- in fact her death rays and pointy sticks are ingenious and have 0% public property or civilian causalities - but because metroman is not only impossible to kill, he adapts to anything that gets close (anything that doesnt kill him makes him stronger literally)

i guess this means theres a good chunk of the story that is centered around human adaptability vs perfect hero dudes adaptability

Roxanne Ritchie is actually a noted scientist or something at the local research facility - i figure blue people planet is really advanced and everyones at least a little technosmart but while it doesnt come as easily or naturally to Roxanne her way of thinking is really unique n shiz and shes an asset to every team....

but if you see her in a mask with some project from the lab macguivered into a gun trying to kill metroman well, no ones getting hurt and humans need hobbies and everyone respects the mask desptie the fact shes the ONLY human on the planet so its not like its hard to figure out who she is

she does spend a lot of nights having to rebuild projects and apologizing and such but basically everyone plays the plausible deniability card and asks her questions abiut what went wrong and okay so the masked menace failed after you let them steal our project but lets pretend for a moment the goal was to fix crops how would you say this did? and grumply shed revamp the guns weird side effect into an alien pollinating crop duster or whatever

got carried away when REALLY all I WANTED to say was

Whille Roxanne Ritchie is adaptable ingenuity and gets away at the last minute NOT because no ones trying to catch her but shes just that CLEVER and thinks ahead and shiz....

Megamind is the guy trying to interview her in the middle of a fight like he thinks he's cute - i mean he is but shes chasing after metroman and skids to a stop because this jerk stepped in for a comment. or shes lining up the perfect shot but theres a close up of megaminds reporter bag in the way

the thing is that maybe... blue people arent violent. a natural disaster hit recently and theyre coming back from it and if the two adopted alien kids want to play extreme tag well no ones getting hurt and Roxanne Ritchie will grow out of her competitiveness no doubt caused by just how superior EVERYONE on the planet is by finding her own niche and metroman will grow up and stop bating her because maybe he IS still better than everyone else and thats met with "oh very nice we're proud" but it doesnt really validate him or make him feel special because its just treated as a special thing he can do by everyong but Roxanne Ritchie and once he's found something that makes him feel good regardless of the attention or lack of it he'll stop playing too

but megamind? megamind has an imagination that loves drama and blowing things out of proportion and thats part of why his reports are so popular? like yeah everyones treating this super hero showdown with indulgence but megamind is good at framing theatrics so that this news story is actually a compelling narrative? and also everyone can see the tension is going to have one of these three "kids" confessing live someday

and maybe he gets carried away. one of those 'aw well next time you could do x or y' or has some technological creation that accidentally actually makes Metroman flinch during an interview

and Roxanne Ritchie starts paying attentionto him for the first time.

and minion warns him but he doesnt listen. minion is lower class and is afraid of being replaced like a pet like some people do but Roxanne Ritchie Ritchie doesnt have a minion and even if she did theyre Best Friends not like those other blue people minion uperclass people.

and he carelessly says something unforgivable and Roxanne Richie uses his ideas and actually succeeds in killing metroman

so she goes to prison - a place they had to build just for her because this hasnt happened since stars knows when

and somebody else is doing the camera because minion left just is gone and megamind looks defeated but testifies against her and is quiet and subdued and stpps being a reporter for a bit

and.... idk. i feel like we'll have to resolve the whole class system so minon goes underground and finds other minons who are unhappy with the way of things and if theyre ALREADY rebuilding society after that huge natural disaster that DIDNT blow up their planet thanks TO a minion well ehy cant they fix this too?

so theres a rebellion going on and theyve got a secret weapon to make blue people listen and idk but i feel like it's Metroman

and... how do stories like this go ive forgotten

minion wouldnt tell megamind or he would

metroman would break Roxanne Ritchie out of prison during the first riot of the minion revolt?

they talk and compare why they hated eachother and slowly work together and are actually a great team?

and then they need a reporter to make themselves heard as something other than minions going crazy

and so of course they go to megamind for help getting the story out

something something megamind is minions sidekick for this adventure

"Roxanne Ritchie was raised by the planet and turned against it and instigated civil unrest and killed a person who was also the good child etc etc instead of just growing up to face your problems"

"actually im alive and i finally found my place? helping out the real heros?"

"i mean i did try to kill him, but he forgave me and we're kinda working together because planet of moms and dads that raised us? yall actually are the ones who need to grow up and let go of the traditions that dont serve etc etc"

and megamind does a huge public apology to minion

and... uhhhhhhhhh fuck i really dont know how these storyies go

the blue people start making amends

metroman basically becomes a social worker for minion childern because finding their original families is a bit hard and most of these kids are just going to end up being raised by super dad but at least the rebellion minion families are actually geting to be their own family units and in a couple gens thatll be normal

Roxanne Ritchie goes back to being the token human in the lab and hangs up her super suit and is generally dissatisfied with this

until one night a hero breaks into her apartment to make her answer for her crimes and so for a legit hot second theyre fighting and megamind says something and Roxanne apologizes and then fighting stops being an argument and goes into banter flirting

the worss "where theres evil good will rise up to fight it" peob comes up a lot in this fic in different iterations

anyways megamind isnjust basically like hey wanna do this like. for the rest of our lives dramatic battle showdowns like its entertainment but like no theyre doing this for real?

the answer is hell yeah

and its a polyship and sometimes Roxanne is helping with the kids and then Megamind bursts in to "save" the family from her evil clutches and 90% of the time everything is improve

megamind kidnaps Roxanne to make metromind save her and a good half of the conversation is that hes an idiot for coming shes tried to kill him three times this week and hes bitching because do you know how hard it is to find a sitter for 30 odd minion kids this short notice and they better make it up to him

Roxanne is not superdad but the 30 odd minion kids adore when she comes over because they mob the villain so hard until finally mega comes to save her because hes actually very good with the kids

of course this poly ship isnt complete without minion and at some point minion and mega realize theyve actually been married for years and Roxanne and metro tease them shamelessly for it

minion and his race need a real name obviously

when Roxanne was a... graduate her senior project theses thingy was essentially "im going to go back to planet earth itll be great ive figured out were im from and how to go there in a reasonable amout of time" and everyone had to sit her down and explain that unlike metroman they knew where she was from the planet was just destroyed.

they never figured out where metroman was from because his direction sharply changed to follow baby Roxannes course and mirrored her coding despite very obviously how he had originated from elsewhere

this is important because his race is basically coming to conquer the blue people planet soon - the group finds out - and will download all the survival upgrades metroman has gotten to become unkillable and then just come down to the surface and be unstoppable taking the place over and whiping out the planet like theyve done many many times

a good chunk of the time trying to figure out how to stop them when this planet is REALLY against murder war and violence for good reason and even if they WOULD do that its impossible over looks some alone time that leads to megamind and metroman figuring out how to like kill him so when the bad guys show up theyll go "whelp better not fuck with them" and leave but between roxanne and minion they manage to not only stabilize metroman (Roxanne blood transfusions maybe???) but they manage to scare the aliens so bad they tuck tail and leave speading rumors that these are the scariest mfs in space (go minion)

metroman never lets Roxanne live down saving his life

eventually space humans show up to check the place out

megamind loves everything human despite most of the planet thinking theyre primitive and showing it

roxanne is reluctant to meet them at first but then really relates to them?

for a good long while it REALLY seems like megamind and Roxanne are just going to go on space adventures with the humans leaving metroman and minion - who really doesnt like them and also they kinda rub him the wrong way because he's non bipedal and they kinda make fun of him in a 'we totally dont mean anything by it lighten up' sort of way.

they don't go of course but they may have stolen a lot of atar charts n shit and who hasnt wanted to take a road trip through space with 30 odd childern who will need names and personalities and may be chopped down to a slightly more reasonable number by this point?

metroman loves space karaoke and his natural abilites mean he learns languages fast but no he still cant carry a tune

megamind and Roxanne still duke it out on various alien cityscapes

minion usually breaks them out of jail if theyre not to be let out the next day because nothing was actually damaged that didnt belong to them.

one memorable occasion it was metoman in a fight with megamind and they wont say what its about but both look very put out and minion looks smug

it doesn't matter in the end because Roxanne teams up with the childern to propose to them first

apparantly i had a lot more ideas about this then i meant to? i mean its not well thoughout out and despite the drama a good half the fic is just going to be cute relationship building stuff between the four of them

[punkscowardschampions]

Ali & Carly

Ali: . . . – – – . . . Carly: ? Carly: nodded on your phone Ali: OG 🍑📞 Ali: nah save me Carly: it's pretty lemme just grab a 💄 really quick Carly: what's up baby? Ali: you are and I need distracting Ali: got band practice and I really have to Ali: missed the last two so she's dead moody Carly: go solo ill play a tambourine for you Carly: until you get famous anyway Ali: we'll get you those noise cancelling headphones they give to rockstars kids Ali: then you just gotta close your eyes n shine Carly: aw Carly: you're a 🍑 Carly: but before then I know how to sweeten up rockstars Carly: lots of jd is 🔑 yea so ill swipe ronans & its a party Ali: know that'll go down a treat Ali: almost as good as the ego stroke of calling them rockstars Carly: y you asked me its a not so hidden talent of mine Carly: strokes where needed Ali: 🎨 Ali: alright monet Ali: I'll try not to make it completely boring Carly: i have to take 5 to finish up here or he'll be dead moody Carly: so he's all you have to be more fun than Carly: & whats more boring than a horny lad when ur not feeling it Ali: easy Ali: I remember being that bored Ali: less memory more reliving but shh Ali: all fun and games yeah ✌ Carly: yea Carly: he gets it over quick tho some go & go without getting u anywhere Carly: ha Carly: ive got a home to go to sometimes boy Ali: he's very considerate like that Carly: i wont share it w him too big of a word for rn Carly: wheres this practice @ Ali: 'course not Ali: all he needs to hear is biggest and best Ali: memory serves Ali: in one of the other's garage Ali: so punk rock Ali: I'll come meet you Carly: long as he can call me a slut & I make the right noises it dont matter what I say Carly: thats every lad on here Carly: k well he's done so direct me Carly: u dont wanna meet me outside here Ali: if that's your jam, go off Ali: you mean you don't trust me not to 👊 your mans 😏 Ali: I started walking, call me a pessimist, Ronan 🤷 Carly: yea u kno for a good time call any of these caravans Carly: the old lady w the gnomes is a dark horse like Carly: i don't want u to see me looking this way ty ronan 💘 Carly: so rough about everything Carly: him & u ha Ali: she's living my dream, I remember her Ali: the pink trailer, like Ali: shoulda been going to see her if not you Ali: 🤡 Ali: you alright? Ali: you need a sec or Ali: idk, anything else Carly: her cats are living my dream Carly: lying in the sun all day, getting fat Carly: being loved whenever they ask Carly: i need a drink but im taking all of his its k Ali: duh Ali: only had it slightly better in ancient Egypt, like Ali: forever goals Ali: we'll drink it on the way Ali: need to see where to put their fingers Ali: not code for gay shit but like Ali: also Carly: theres lots they can have some as promised Carly: he owed me for all the 💊 Ali: you're sweet Carly: we can get your gf ☕ to dump it in thats the adult thing to do Carly: trying to make her happy not more mad Ali: she's 17 Ali: she just fronts a good game Ali: suppose one of us should Ali: #badgirlfriend Carly: ur the best wife tho Carly: ive missed u Ali: 😚 Ali: comments like that are why I've deffo missed you more Carly: aw Carly: comments like urs r why ill make today really fun for u Ali: 💚 Ali: we can make anything a party yeah Carly: yea Carly: but u gotta help me carry these drinks to cos i think my wrist was broken from all the coaxing that boy needs when hes been on it Ali: ugh, the struggle is so real Ali: though if you use that as an ice breaker they're all gonna look at you blankly Ali: fucking lesbian priviledge amirite Carly: i bet at least one of them's hurt their wrist trying to get a girl off Carly: half who go to our school r so uptight you need to check for sticks Carly: catholic guilt be like Ali: 😂 real Ali: but you gotta be on my side Ali: already outnumbered Ali: team bi for the day okay Carly: so i can talk about masturbating with my grandma's jesus cross or i cant Ali: you can Ali: that's a story whoevers company Ali: 'cept grandma, obvs Carly: punk rock enough? Carly: if theyre all as scary as ur lesbian im shotgunning more beers Carly: bag of recycling before we even get to the garage Ali: when she cares about the 🌍 Ali: 😍 Ali: they ain't, if we're being real Carly: dont want the earth to die Carly: its so pretty Carly: & fun Carly: k i wont have every can Carly: before we get there Ali: 👼🌟🌈🍓🐰👸 Ali: you Ali: and I'm literally just 'round the corner hold on Ali: not dragging my feet 'cos of you babe Carly: ur too sweet Carly: are you the singer & the guitarist or do they make you just do one cos youre too big of a 🌟 Ali: got it in one babe, I'm relegated to guitar #2 most the time Ali: at least you can own the stage more when you ain't so Carly: ill tell them you need to be 1st guitar & lead singer you're too talented for it to go to waste Carly: its sad Carly: but its cute that youre in a band together Ali: you wanna be backup baby? Carly: yea but i cant 😢😢 Ali: you can when it's just us though Ali: you're too pure for rock n roll anyway Ali: their brand of Carly: how you said that makes me think i need to drink more Ali: it's a good thing about you Ali: just saying though, my voice will be fucked by the end of this Carly: ill get you some 🍯 baby Carly: you can be 👼 again in no time Carly: church ready Ali: only if you coming with Ali: 😈 Carly: only if we do some more sinning first Carly: make it worth the walk Ali: naturally Ali: how we do Carly: k Carly: are all the band dating each other or just you two Ali: 😏 more and more apparent how straight you ain't tbh Ali: currently off again, I think Ali: they've all dated each other though, every which way you can combo it Carly: i have met a lesbian before ur rescued me @ that party Carly: been hit on by lots Carly: i kno they like to date in circles & all kinds of other shapes Ali: I bet Carly: aw don't be jealous Carly: i didnt like it Carly: ur my fave Ali: I'm not Ali: am glad I ain't giving off those predatory vibes though Ali: good to know, like Carly: you give off the best vibes Ali: 👼 energy, baby Carly: 🌟💙 Ali: let's hit 'em with it Carly: yea Ali: after she can drive us to a decent shindig 🤞 Carly: me & a car full of gays Carly: ronan will be in a mood ha Ali: always a bonus Ali: also always in a mood Ali: they really would get on if she could get over the whole man hate vibe Carly: ill bring him to the next rehearsal Carly: he thinks hes got what it takes Ali: 😏 Ali: I'll put my money on Mar Ali: poor boy Carly: steals my 🎸 every time he comes over Carly: i cant be impressed that you can play 2 chords baby boy I'm sorry Ali: 😩💦 Ali: even as relegated #2 I can do more than that Ali: promise Carly: me too & im only groupie #1 Carly: he still tries to teach me tho Carly: so boring Ali: 🙄 Ali: what a dickhead Ali: he just wants to be behind you to 'position' your hands, boys love that shit don't they Ali: I know how to play pool too so get off Carly: we should play my da taught me Carly: make some money & have some fun Ali: I'm down Carly: k Carly: cos i need to buy more 💊s he really did eat them all Carly: 😢😢 Ali: Babe Ali: I know a reliable lad Ali: invite him Ali: make it a party Carly: yea me & him been up since i saw you last how long ago was that? forever it feels Carly: be more fun away from site Ali: damn Ali: how the other half live Ali: I feel like I haven't had any fun since I last saw you Ali: get enough to take the edge of your comedown if nothing else or that'll be rough Carly: i wanted to invite u my baby but u kno how he gets Carly: hates that weve met Carly: ill make you feel good now promise Carly: hes had too much of my time Ali: worried that Imma tell you horror stories like you don't know him? Ali: backatcha 💚 Ali: swear Carly: yea he thinks my head's empty Carly: just a body like Carly: not that weve done school for years together or anything Carly: i kno i dont always go but boy come on Ali: you're miles ahead of him Ali: he only acts like he reckons that 'cos he don't want you coming to your senses and binning him off proper, like Carly: ur lil bro writes & reads better Carly: but hes a smart lil cutie Carly: what am i gonna do move the caravan in the middle of the night? no wheels is there Carly: stuck as fwb til he gets married his wife finds out & comes for me Ali: yeah he likes you too Ali: always chatting on when you coming 'round again so you know Ali: better hang some more, for his sake Ali: I know you got locks Carly: aw i love him Carly: always wanted a lil bro but my rents dont fuck no more so that ain't happening Carly: unless my dad knocks up someone younger Carly: u kno id lock myself out & end up round there Carly: ha Ali: lil blue pills don't fail us now Ali: ick Ali: should go to casa flamenco Ali: don't think she'd steal your stash Ali: oldies always have their own, the real good shit too Carly: that what ur calling it Carly: ill steal hers Ali: exactly Ali: 😍 #babe Ali: ronan who Carly: i do go older but not sure i could handle peeling back the wrinkles Ali: weak 😉 Carly: you seduce her for me, thats love Carly: & you wanna be under her anyway Ali: 'scuse you Ali: I'm happily married Carly: me too Carly: pimping me out to the older generation wasnt in the vows were it Ali: could've been Ali: you know how creative I am Carly: yea i do love that about you Ali: I 👀 you Ali: [runs up and takes some of the shit] Carly: [unnecessarily long hug moment because always] Ali: ['it does feel like forever'] Carly: [just rambling on about how much she's missed her & like all the compliments for how she looks/what she's wearing etc cos again always] Ali: [lbr she'd go all out for rehersals even so it would be a look, Ali lowkey fixing Carly up whilst checking 'cos was concerned but not gonna make it a Thing tm] Carly: [save her Ali she looks like shit rn & your gf don't need to be seeing her like that] Ali: [finishing by kissing her nose 'cos that is a thing] Carly: [😳 but really happy obvs & another hug cos they really have missed each other so] Ali: [walking and talking baby] Carly: [& letting Ali catch up with all the drinks Carly's had] Ali: [giving her the lowdown on the other bitches who are clearly not as scary as kstew] Carly: [you'd think she's not listening because 1. state of her & 2. how distracting Ali is in her lewk but she is] Ali: [is like soz it's boring but I'll make it fun] Carly: [she's like its not you're just pretty & also I'm saving you & making it fun] Ali: ['not about to beg but please do'] Carly: ['knew I should've locked that down in the vows' cos being flirty with it] Ali: ['too late now babe, 'less you make me wanna renew'] Carly: [is just like yeah okay will do, soz kstew but we know its true so] Ali: [turning up to your function, imagine kstews face oop] Carly: [Carly handing the booze out cos she's a babe while kstew talks shit on her by pulling Ali aside like we said] Carly: u want me to go? Ali: [Ali tryna explain but also being kinda over this mood like why can't she be here, u lowkey know why but you know] Ali: no Ali: don't Ali: I'll sort it Carly: k Carly: [Carly just drinking a little bit too hard cos the vibe is wrong & her anxiety don't need this thank you ladies] Ali: [just walking away and being like okay come on let's start 'cos can't argue if you're playing] Carly: [pissing about on some spare instruments while they're setting up cos awks] Ali: I've text the lad Ali: reckons 10 minutes 👍 Carly: 💙🌟 Carly: ty Ali: [ooh crimson and clover 'cos joan did it and it'd be a sexy moment so blatantly directed at carly] Carly: [Carly literally 😍 harder than her gf is, oops] Carly: [& so many compliments as soon as the song is over before kstew can get a word in, god bless] Ali: [gently/not being a patronizing dick with it showing her dance moves and stuff like getting her involved without being like you have to perform now lol] Carly: [k stew fuming like now the WARM UP is done we should play OUR songs we all know the type like excuse you everyone is having fun especially my sweet baby angel] Ali: [being like oh but I just learnt this song it's got a good bass bit we should do that, overruled lol] Carly: [has to go with it cos no argument she can make that won't sound petty as hell and not trying to look like that bitch in front of the squad] Ali: [doing electric feel for the gay sexiness] Carly: [Carly even more into it cos a song she knows cos lets say she don't know the glory of our cat song just because so its such a moment okay bye] Carly: [Marlene calling a 🚬 break immediately after cos fuming & that can also be when Drew comes] Ali: [as if you weren't fuming enough there's how a man here 😍 at your woman, also giving them droogs] Carly: [meanwhile Carly ain't noticed cos sharing a 🚬 with the prettiest & least intimidating lesbian perched on her lap like so cosy....way to kill Ali babe we know she's special but let her know please] Carly: [hops off to get her drugs but still a moment] Ali: [these other girls just stirring the pot rn lmao] Carly: [that girl being like you should come out with us & Carly's like yeah cos she's pure] Ali: you know this one's flirting with you too, yeah? Ali: 😏 Carly: ha Carly: shes nice Ali: yeah Ali: pretty cute Carly: u kno the dealer wants to fuck you tho yea Carly: hes pretty Ali: obvs Ali: his hairs a bit naff but yeah Carly: ur gf is gonna drag him out by it Carly: let me slip him my number first ty Ali: lol 🙄 Ali: better you have his, no Ali: 💊 Ali: idk why she's the fun police today Carly: k good idea Carly: [goes to get his deets] Carly: she's so mad Carly: u gotta love me more when shes not around Ali: i ain't done nothing Carly: shes jealous of me like i am of her Carly: two girls one 💙 Carly: [lowkey flirting with Drew before he gets thrown out] Ali: hmm Ali: maybe you can duel Ali: [helping herself 'cos they clearly got enough to go around 'cos Drew's easy lol] Carly: 😢😢 Carly: you want me to be killed Ali: don't be silly Ali: not very gentlemanly of her, she'd never Ali: for someone so punk she loves following rules you know Carly: y u like her or y ur bored? Ali: [casually loling at her phone like what you think] Carly: [a moment of eye contact soz kstew] Carly: y dont i kno this lad? Ali: idk Ali: he wasn't always that cocky Ali: maybe his pubes came in Carly: ha Carly: ill find out Carly: gotta b known as the school slag not the girl who pissed herself on the stage Ali: more catchy Ali: I get it Carly: u only remember our wedding day i kno but it tends to stick in everyone else's memories Carly: a day of bad vibes Ali: I remember you but not like that Carly: hope its not worse Carly: how you do Carly: [casually taking too many 💊 to deal with the bender she's been on with the gypsies, you know Drew will remember her like this] Ali: nah Ali: you were cute Ali: and nice when all these random english kids showed up Carly: cos you were cuter Carly: im always nice to the pretty ones Ali: 💘 Ali: s'a good line walsh, you get it off him n all Carly: 💔😢 Carly: i love you i dont need him feeding me those kind of lines Carly: we gotta crush some of these tho its gonna take forever to kick in Ali: only joking baby don't be sad Ali: [comes over and helps 'cos why not kstew already furious her band practice has descended into anarchy] Carly: [using a shoe she's wearing for once to crush pills casually but stops to put her head on Ali's shoulder cos is sad lowkey] Ali: [gives her top of the head kisses] Carly: [is smiling again & telling her how much she missed her again and all that good gay content while Marlene fumes in the distance] Ali: [whispers like sorry for the bad vibes and I am gonna fix this 'cos she knows it's been fucked but realistically don't know what she's doing about it yet 'cos where do we stand] Carly: [kisses her on the forehead cos that big brain always thinking & worrying & she know] Carly: u wanna 👃 or 👅? Ali: 👃 Carly: yea dont want a numb mouth Carly: no fun Ali: probably would help my throat but kinda 'bout that smokes and drinks a 40 a day vibe so Ali: soz to my nasal cavity in advance Carly: the 🍯 is coming as promised Carly: [puts enough powder in her hand for Ali to snort, how intimate excuse them like she could have used her own hand or any surface Carly but go off] Ali: you're sweet enough darling Ali: [soz kstew just gals being pals 'cos obvs returning the favour and 'holding her hair out the way' aka stroking it] Carly: [when you more about that intimacy than the drug you're trying to take] Carly: aw Ali: [moment being ruined by some kind of unignorable strop moment from marlene clearly so she has to go and have an argument brb] Carly: should i go now? Ali: wait for me Ali: please? Ali: outside if you like or whatever, I'm being selfish but Ali: I ain't staying either Carly: k Carly: [is outside quietly singing a little mash up of both gay covers while she waits, just little bits of lyrics she likes from each lol] Ali: [not tryna drag this out and clearly we can't let it get to let's break up point so] Carly: lets go have some real fun Ali: [when she comes out, resting her arms on her shoulders and spinning her 'round and 'round like let's go] Carly: [is loving life again bye bitches] Ali: ['we can do anything we wanna' means now but also like always] Carly: [is buzzing because her life is literally so stagnant already like what a welcome premise & hugs her cos that's what she wants to do, always gotta be touching] Ali: [and hand holding] Carly: [complimenting her AGAIN as they going along cos she's a really good singer tbf so] Ali: [chatting away 'bout the kinda music she wanna do and what the band is about and starting her own etc but also about how pretty Carly's voice is and how it's too precious for the stage anyway] Carly: [okay but after they've nerded out over music Carly be like 'wait for me' runs into a shop really quick & buys Ali some honey for real cos she that nerd & presents it to her really happily wrapped in her headscarf or something cos again nerd] Ali: [you know how buzzing and touched she'd be 'cos also that nerd, being like you're such an angel and imma get you something so special etc] Carly: [Carly like you gotta eat it tho & opens it right there like she gonna drip it into Ali's mouth if she don't how gaaaaaay, steals some with her finger too obvs cos cute but also accidentally sexy all the time] Ali: [winnie screeching in the distance] Carly: [gets a phone call from her mum & answers in this state cos no fucks given on either side & then turns to Ali like my turn to take you to a family bbq cos I think the contrast would be hilarious so we should but not now cos give them some alone time @ god] Ali: [is down 'cos she's not a snob unlike someone we know rosalin and she'd be lowkey about it 'cos any excuse to spend time] Carly: [ronan will 100% be there cos hilarious like you gotta fight him Ali tbh] Carly: [just rambling about how much she loves Ali rn though cos always] Carly: 💙🌟🐝👼🚀 Ali: [backatcha and dropping the charity shop plan] Carly: [is so down obvs like little kid levels of excited] Ali: [running thru the streets of dublin like babes] Carly: [god fucking bless] Ali: [charity shop crawl so wild like leave 'em be world] Carly: [like how pure that they think of cat lady Ro & kstew would never bitch] Ali: [probably making friends with all the nice old ladies in there/horrifying the old bitches tho too lol] Carly: [this is why Carly makes my heart hurt cos she'd wanna be friends but would probably horrify lol] Ali: [tbf they are high] Carly: [as per again let them live peeps its summer] Ali: [should steal something but like something really tiny and silly 'cos sinning and stealing from a charity shop is pretty bad in a cute way somehow lol] Carly: [but leaving shoes behind or something cos barefoot life so the universe is balanced] Ali: [and ali would buy stuff for 'em both but making sure carly knows this ain't THE gift 'cos wants to swag that lol] Carly: [okay but can they also come back to buy homewares for the caravan when she gets her own thanks bye] Ali: [absolutely, just window shopping rn how you do like 'when I have my own place' but saying we 'cos #married] Carly: [Ali can actually get one of the actual things when cos its still there, oh my heart]

[lesbinewren]

Do you think the people saying Kylo is POC coded could be referring to that the actor and actress who play his Space Mom and Dad are Jewish? Just trying to wrap my brain around how they can actually say this.

tbh i highly highly doubt it. more than likely theyre finding any kind of reach to use as a “gotcha” against anti reylos and people who dont like kylo, i dont think they took carrie and harrison being jewish into account. they just wanted to be able to say “youre racist” whenever someone said they dont like kylo instead of y’know… realizing hes a villain and people not liking him is entirely normal

its the same thing as when they said he was “mentally ill coded” so they could call people ableist, or when they said he was “femme coded” so they could call people misogynist. they just wanna make people feel bad for not liking a cishet white male villain, but they cant come up with real reasons so they just say whatever they want lmao

and even if referencing carrie and harrison being jewish IS what theyre doing then like… they obviously dont know what coding means asdfakhjafdshjfsdkjg

[swampgallows]

i just woke up, it’s close to noon here, five hours is good enough i guess. i keep thinking about college and how fucking suicidally depressed i was then and how ive spent half of this year being unemployed and generally just struggling to take care of myself in the most banal and basic ways possible, and how depression really does just delete years from your life. you live through them in a daze,  you’re already a ghost, you’re already dead. questing in wrath of the lich king is honestly some of the last shit i remember concretely before going into a two year gray area of passing my classes and nothing else. i remember breaking up with my boyfriend because he chose raiding over me. i dont want to talk about it again. the memory is still painful. still, even still, ten years later. and in late 2008 i was attacked in my dorm room and i was screaming and my roommates thought i was being a big ol slut. they thought any guy that came over was someone i was fucking. when i went to blizzcon in 2008 and my brother stayed in my dorm they thought i was fucking him too until i told them he was my little brother. they tried so fucking hard to suppress my interests and make me “like them”. “there’s more to life than world of warcraft and pokemon” they said as if going to college basketball games and rewatching disney movies has any more enrichment or depth beyond what i was fucking doing. my life is so full of hatred, from myself, from other people, just being fostered in me in general, and it’s only within the last few years that i’ve gotten to heal from it at all, all the time being hurt more and more

i was talking to a friend yesterday who is just 19 and thinking about where i was when i was 19, which of course puts me in 2009 again, the year i dropped out of existence, and i was telling them about how i was essentially raised by the ilk of 4chan and the piece of shit community on wow that, like, since i’m around ~liberal genderqueer~ tumblr-type spaces all the time, genuinely shocks me to remember still exists, of those fucking hypermasculine overcompensating military dudes. and we were talking about how like, nerds in general tend to have shit social skills or anxiety or are Othered in ways that have them reinforce this piece of shit pecking order where the loudest and meanest proclaim themselves the Leader and everyone just follows them because theyre too meek to challenge them or they mistake arrogance for confidence and assume any asshole crowing that loud about how Right they are all the time Must Be Right. 

and i thought of my own life, my ex QP, my old friend groups, my abusive ex boyfriend, how i mistook so long their malice as strength, how i was duped by their self-aggrandizement. they had no skills, no talents, no girlfriend (except when i dated them), no women in their lives in general, no real friends they could count on (except, for my abuser, an older man with 3 children and a brand new divorce whose house he muscled and manipulated himself into—”i cant even bear to be in the old master bedroom anymore”—and my abuser promptly MOVED HIMSELF INTO IT) no hobbies, and the one or two hobbies that they had—fishing, video games—they were fucking less-than-passable at. my ex-qp wasn’t good at video games. he would use cheat codes or just play the strongest character and rely on everyone else to pick up his slack. warrior, carry, tank, what have you; all of us his underlings to support him to victory—”I’m doing all of the damage and getting none of the kills”—he would whine, oblivious to the concept of teamwork and seeking credit within the only realm he had a semblance of succeeding in. 

anyway so when i first joined tumblr i swung the pendulum in the other direction because i absolutely had to, it was for my survival to become a virulent feminazi as they put it, and i was obnoxious about it, and i reposted rape statistics all the time and challenged people all the time because i had to. i had to let it overtake me in order to purge all of the 10+ years of toxic social conditioning that places like 4chan and their little infestations in WoW and all of my abusive partners instilled in me. i had to be vocal about rape this and sexual assault that because i spent the better part of my adolescence trying to laugh away the fact that i was raped as a child, trying to make jokes about my “delicious flat chest” and pedobear and “surprise buttsecks/it’s not rape if you yell surprise” and “delicious loli”; some of the images i had willingly saved on my ancient hard drive are absolutely harrowing to go through now as an adult knowing my mushy impressionable 14 year old traumatized mind was trying to cope with and gloss over what had happened to me and with the future i was facing as a budding adolescent in this kind of environment. men didnt want to be responsible for what happened to me or with what would happen to me, it made them uncomfortable for me to talk about it, so i was told to laugh it away, that nobody cares that i was raped, that i was stronger if i could just laugh about it, that no topics were beyond reproach or off limits, and that if i wasnt desensitized to my own suffering then i was weak, i was a sheep, i was a burden, i was letting my emotions get the better of me.

obviously, tumblr as a whole DIRECTLY acts in opposition of this: everything is rooted in our traumas, which we are expected to lay bare for all to be taken seriously: 4chan demanded that we invalidate the trauma by making a joke of it and allowing the masses to pick it apart for their own entertainment, to become part of the anonymous “legion” by offering up our individuality to be consumed by the group (as a currency of “lulz”, basically); tumblr, reflexively, demands we validate the trauma by making it an open and public integral asset to our identity, to have easily digestible and categorized characteristics so as to fit into the tumblr hierarchy of needs, their own misinterpreted facsimile and microcosm of existing systematic oppression, and obtain a sort of fixed currency of privilege or “woke points” dependent on identity politics. so i definitely needed to purge my previous conditioning with this reclamation of my identity as a survivor, etc, and had about 7 years of misplaced anger and fury condensed into a good two or so years instead, and even now im still parsing details. 

it wasnt until i was 22 that i had even heard the term asexuality and it wasnt until i was 25 that i realized i was bi (or “could be” bi), even though i had already been in love with and sexually active with women years prior lmao. i had been told by every possible source that having a dick inside me would change my life and change my outlook and change me into a better person or whatever the fuck, that i would “understand” and “grow up” and “become a woman” or whatever and guess what it did fucking NOTHING, just like every teen drama romance or whatever tries to stress over and over, sex is not a magical lifechanging event that hands you a million dollars and a healthy brain. it changes your life in some ways and it’s definitely not something to be taken lightly but in no way is it a cure for anything.

i dont know where i’m going with this, im just fucking pissed off about my life, im pissed off that healing takes so long and that i had to do any of it in the first place. im so pissed about all of my time wasted with this fucking piece of shit body and fucking piece of shit brain and i wish i could just go back to work and be a functional human being but im like just a short leap away from doing any of that. i have to get in touch w my previous HMO once the new year starts now that im confirmed for medi-cal, and i should have done it months ago, but i have to just accept that this whole time ive been not USELESS but just utterly CONSUMED by self-preservation, that it is taking most of my effort to want to be alive and stay on this planet any longer. especially now with my teeth bugging me so bad because i cant fucking take care of myself so im grinding my teeth and clenching my jaw and i guess eating improperly or what have you idont fucking know. im going to buy a waterpik even though it’s fifty dollars and i have not made ANY MONEY in the last 6 months or done ANY of what i wanted to do and i still have a number of commissions needling at me that i genuinely like cant fucking even look at withotu fucking hitting myself and crying, and im seriously not trying to make fucking excuses, i am so fucking ashamed and consumed by self-hatred about this, this has been a problem for me SINCE COLLEGE where i was an ART MAJOR that i had to fucking beat the shit out of myself to try to draw anything “seriously”, and i do mean literally beating myself, bludgeoning myself with my morris sticks and smacking myself in the face/head and clawing at my skin, and i fucking hate it

i just know i need like SO MUCH recovery or healing or whatever the fuck, i feel so long overdue for very basic shit, and part of me feels like a withering plant, like pouring water over dry leaves thinking it’s just going to saturate itself and be instantly rejuvenated. im losing leaves in the process, as it were, and getting no “water” all this time. i feel like i’m in drought mode. these last six months are me basically conserving all i have, toeing away from the edge of the cliff because iw as so ready yall i was so fucking ready, i was ready to jump off, i spent whole lunch hours just ready to fucking leap, staring down the void, staring at the winding road that went up the mountain, staring at the deer who stared back at me, hiding my face from Adults who treated me like a wind-up doll, i just couldnt take it, ic ouldnt be somewhere that sterile, i couldnt be spending so much of my life getting so little back, i coudlnt see my friends ever, i couldnt breathe, but in general my brain is sick and i need to heal from all of these things, i need to figure out how i can cope with being alive because i am going to be alive at least a little longer and i need to not fear and crave death simultaneously. i do not want to die, I DO NOT want to die, but i cannot live in a constant state of recuperating. my life has just felt like the Shutting Down... screen for the last 2 years. 

NEED a new dentist NEED my teeth fixed PLEASE GOD open the stem cell dentin treatment to clinics worldwide GOD fix my TEETH PLEASE let me REGROW my TEETH NEED therapy NEED to fix my brain NEED to figure out how i can cope with being unable to support myself in this shit fucking economy NEED TO RECOVER NEED TO GET BETTER PLEASE IM FUCKING SUFFERING