#theyre not hiding it anymore im so afraid

[fuckdanhowell]

this was a HUGE deal like that hasn't occurred since 2010

honestly when dan used a heart emoji in his birthday tweet to phil this year we should've known there was danger coming down the line

[schizononagesimus]

lofi beats to fend off the hallucinations to

[ladcedes]

two wheels

george russell x biker!reader, social media!au

summary george's new girlfriend seems way too cool for him and the fans just cannot believe it

notes bit of a longer one here (what is a plot) but i just wanted to do something fun since it's the winter break. and i love poking a bit of fun at my favs

yourusername

tagged: yourbestfriend and 6 others

Liked by lilymhe, georgerusselll63, and 29,412 others

yourusername that's my party people! 🍾

10 December 2023

view 116 comments

yourbestfriend for the record, everything that happened after 9pm is completely yn's fault

⤷ yourusername sooo r u still up for next week?

⤷ yourbestfriend @/yourusername 100%

⤷ yourfriend1 yn is the reason why you shouldn't drink and drive 😭

nadissodone HOLDDDDD IT 🚨🚨 george liked this post

⤷ 44formula but he wasn't tagged soo??

⤷ goatmilton what is a polar bear doing in arlington texas 💀💀💀

champagneshower no way 4th slide is george tho

liked by yourusername

⤷ jadedtrack it does kinda look like him tbf

4strobaby yn ma'am could you please confirm whether or not you have a boyfriend

liked by yourusername

⤷ 4strobaby GUYS SHE LIKED THE COMMENT THIS MIGHT MEAN SOMETHING

⤷ unevilincorporated OMG WAIT @/yourusername does that boyfriend happen to be f1 driver george russell???

liked by yourusername and georgerussell63

⤷ unevilincorporated BOTH HER AND GEORGE LIKED THAT ONE???? IT DEFINITELY MEANS SOMETHING

⤷ maroon.jpg @unevilincorporated yall are crazy why are we playing ouija board with comment likes 😭😭

georgerussell63

Liked by pierregasly, yourusername, and 127,384 others

georgerussell63 Pretty good start to winter break ❄️

p.s. thanks danielricciardo for the wine

18 December 2023

view 316 comments

danielricciardo Hope you guys enjoyed the wine!

⤷ yourusername the wine was a banger, will 100% be getting more

⤷ tracklimited @/yourusername oh yeah she basically just confirmed that they're together 💀

oceanblvd im almost positive that's yn's helmet theyre really not trying to hide it anymore

yourusername • 3hrs ago | georgerussell63 • 2hrs ago / 20 December 2023

you replied to georgerussell63's story:

i'm taking u out on another one tmr and u can't say no babe

georgerussell63:

what if i do say no?

you:

u can't. i'll kidnap u and throw u on my bike

georgerussell63:

i could run away

and i think mercedes will have something to say about that

you:

don't worry, i won't keep you for too long

besides, the team loves me

they'll let me off the hook

georgerussell63:

i don't like how i can't argue with that

yourusername

tagged: georgerussell63 and 7 others

Liked by francisca.cgomes and 211,220 others

yourusername i should be playing in the winter snow, but imma be under the mistletoe (with youuu)

25 December 2023

view 213 comments

lilymhe nobody tell her it wasn’t snowing in london last night

⤷ yourusername i wouldn’t have known anyway tbh

⤷ pierregasly @/yourusername too busy?

⤷ georgerussell63 @/pierregasly we can’t disclose that i’m afraid.. the nda and all that 😂😂

⤷ brockenclocks @/pierregasly why is pierre always at the scene of the crime 😭😭

⤷ certifiedlvrgrrl @/georgerussell63 george wtf do u mean by the nda

mercedesamgf1 Merry Christmas from the team!

liked by yourusername

yourusername • 2hrs ago / 28 December 2023

yourusername

tagged: georgerussell63 and 4 others

Liked by lissiemackintosh, georgerussell63, and 52,220 others

yourusername starting the year off in the beautiful south of france 💋

📸 1&2: georgerussell63

4 January 2024

view 224 comments

georgerussell63 i think i should get credits for the 4th pic too since it was taken on my phone

⤷ yourusername georgie please just let it go 😭

⤷ georgerussell63 @ yourusername you took 50 pictures before letting me leave the bathroom and i was only in half of them.

⤷ yourusername @ georgerussell63 they're for ur personal collection 😘

⤷ moonriver @ yourusername PERSONAL COLLECTION????

⤷ sativaur @ yourusername "personal collection" yn im going insane

fonedance yn you're so fine please break up with ur bf i can treat you better than he ever will

⤷ cuntlonso realest thing i've read all day 😭😭😭

georgerussell63

Liked by pierregasly, logansargeant, and 216,993 others

georgerussell63 A refreshing little getaway to start the year

📸 2: yourusername

4 January 2024

view 431 comments

jadedfc the way his arm wraps around her in their pics im sosoo sick

⤷ rollemodel he lowkey shut down all the haters with it too

⤷ sunburnns that should be me pls

yourusername

tagged: georgerussell63

Liked by georgerussell63, lilymhe and 39.238 others

yourusername trying out a couple extra wheels...

16 January 2024

view 146 comments

yourbestfriend coolest girl itw ⚡️

lilymhe so the final verdict on 2 vs 4 wheels is...?

⤷ georgerussell63 4 wins

⤷ yourusername @/georgerussell63 hell no it's obviously 2 🙄

⤷ georgerussell63 @/yourusername think that's because you lost by an entire lap?

⤷ yourusername @/georgerussell63 as if you didn't almost fall off the bike!! u're also biased

⤷ georgerussell63 @/yourusername why don't we just agree to disagree?

⤷ yourusername @/georgerussell63 you just don't wanna admit i'm right

⤷ motogp @/georgerussell63 @/yourusername🍿🍿🍿

⤷ lilymhe @/motogp pass me some, too

⤷ alex_albon @/motogp me 3

gr63stan their arguing is so adorable 😭😭

mercrarri yep i still think she's way too cool for him

⤷ landoshelmet ikr she's such a badass and he's... there

⤷ pastrydish literal she's everything and he's just ken

⤷ 4lbons she already said leave the man alone damn 😭😭

maiadrsh george russell has to be the luckiest man alive

⤷ yourusername more like sexiest man alive

⤷ alex_albon @/yourusername i did NOT need to see you say that today 🤢

⤷ georgerussell63 @alex_albon you'd better believe it 😎

⤷ alex_albon @/georgerussell63 not today, not for a single one of the past 15 years we've known each other, and not ever

⤷ yourusername @alex_albon sincerely, even i doubt that second part

⤷ silverstoned what is yn insinuating in these comments 🤨

an: i feel like every time i post a new smau i level up and introduce new formatting. also comment tags r weird bcs i wna avoid tagging real users and it irks me

bonus:

yourusername • 12hrs ago

seen by georgerussell63, francisca.cgomes, and 153,329 others

georgerussell63 replied to your story | 16:44

"but you love me more"

"right?"

you | 16:45

"hmmmm i gotta think about it"

"i'll tell you tomorrow?"

georgerussell63 | 16:46

"..."

"i can't believe i might lose to a bike 😐"

you | 16:46

"jokes 😭"

"would you pick your car over me, though?"

georgerussell63 | 16:48

"no comment"

you | 16:49

"george."

georgerussell63 | 16:51

"i love you"

you | 16:52

"i'm coming over"

[enden-k]

Im taking the ramble invitation to spread a bit more Sunday propaganda. Need the distraction as well.

Actually not much but just Sunday is so ethereal i love him, looking at him is just so nice and thats just from the small crumbs we got so far. He looks so soft spoken and intelligent and i cant wait to see what he hides. Apart from hiding a muscular body hehe.

Ooh and other topic Ratio and Haitham in the Uniau always starting heated discussions in the lectures making everyone think they hate each other and wondering why Haitham always takes Ratios classes and how he even manages to pass with perfect score. Because even if profs arent supposed to be subjective it looks for everyone like Ratio hates Alhaitham always arguing and saying his theories are wrong to start an argument. Little do they know its the best feeling for both to argue on such intellectual levels.

-🐉

sunday gives me kinda ayato vibes, elegant yet dangerous ehhe (sry if i cant say more to sunday aaa)

haitham is like. on a level similar to raito and giving him interesting different view on some stuff. the way hes so bold it borders on rude, and ratios temperament it leads to them often holding long ass heated discussions/arguments that just sound to others like theyre hating each other ahha (sorry if im repeating what i said on nsfw blog, im exhausted and sad i dont even know anymore) but they both enjoy it actually, the chance to discuss matters on such a level without falling behind the other (even if they find each other annoying at times), ratio getting challenged by someone worthy, someone whos not even afraid to tell him no

[storyprovision]

... She came back the person she was before, but with the distinction that she no longer holds back the parts of her that she was worried about. Having died, she knows that life is short, and that when it's over, people will remember you fondly if you were kind so don't be afraid to do the things you want to do. Be a little indulgent, a little quirky, a little strange. Maybe she IS a little different now, but she's feeling better than ever.

the "came back wrong" trope except like... they didnt. like this mad scientists wife died, and so he studied necromancy, brought her back, and she came back and it all worked. like she came back exactly the same as she was before with literally no difference. but the scientist guy is like "oh no... what have i done.... shes Different now!!!! she came back Wrong!!!!" and shes just like. chilling. reading a book. cooking dinner. shes just so so normal but in the guys mind hes like "oh shes soooo weird" but shes just normal

[blackfairy312]

What would their Mincraft houses look like? And what is their biggest fear? (Fnac3)

🔥answering more of theeeese heheeh

i actually had a minecraft house for Komi once but it's lost o an old computer that doesnt work anymore 😭 it was shaped after a Black Box from Evillious (her "heart") and had a few bedrooms upstairs for herself and her kids and a HUUUGE kitchen and a fancy bathroom and a greenhours and a nise backyard an then like, a secret evil basement . i wish i had pictures of it.

dawg if these assholes played Minecraft together it would probablt be a server Komi made and she only gave Antonio moderator permissions bc she doesnt trust the other two with that . Antonio woukd make a statue of Vinnie and set it on fire to piss Vincent off. Komi spends most of the time building and decorating things and organizing bc she likes being productive (or else she'll start doing crazy shit). like these assholes she works with would probably be too busy fucking around in the game to focus on what theyre doing so Komi would make one house for them all to live in and make rooms for them all . every time the guys come back to base they'll see Komi in the middle of putting a redstone contraption together and they'll drop styff off in chests and explore the base little bc there's new stuff Komi added and then they'll leave to fuck around again . AND SOMEHOW Komi will have full neatherite armor and shit . everyone like "DUDE how did you find the time for this?" meanwhile all Vincent Richard and Antonio have been doing have probably been like . Naming chickens "Bitch" and hangint them from trees to throw eggs at them and harassing villagers or hanging around the pillager mansion like idiots . every time they die they have to ask Antonio or Komi to /tp them to someone else so they can get their shit.

and biggest Fears ... i already said in another postbut Komi is afraid of getting attached to humans but like she always does that anyway. smeting about her immortality VS their mortality and how they're destined to die and she's destined to leave .i guess she copes with this by CLINGING onto the memories she makes with the humans she meets in the Multiverse . and taking some suveniors from each world. Actually she has the original Vinnie puppet ! she kept that .

Vincent's biggest fear is people finding out who he really is .. a Manipulator Mainsplainer Mansluaghter er . he doesnt want to lose everything he doesnt want to be a 'normal person' he WANTS TO BE SOMEBODY. his biggest fear is LOSING. thats probably why he cheats at hide & seek as Monster Vinnie in the final night.

Antonio's biggest fear is ending up like his dad . as he's been raising himself and his siblings and observing his parents he's made a mental note of his dad's behaviors and how he NEVER WANTS TO END UP LIKE HIM . you can think ofhis dad like Clay Puppington maybe ? idk i just saw a moral orel clip this morning and now im thinkin about that show again . NO SORRY I FORGOT ANTONIO IS A LOT LIKE KENNY MCCORMICK , his parents just arent crackheads they're alcholics . but Yeah Antonio is TRYING to get himself together but tbh Vincent being an awful boss is ADDING to Antonio's stress and its not good for his mental health at ALL. he was probably seeing a therapist and was going to AA meetings but then ONE DAY he got into a fight with Vincent backstage and he went home and spiraled again. undoing his progress. Ywah im projecting heavy.

Richard's biggest fear is probably something tamer than everyone elses . for now anyway he isnt really complex in my mind like the other Three are rn 😭😭😭😭 SERIOUSLY THE GAME GIVES ME NOTHING TO WORK WITH WHICH IS FINE B FNAC 3 HAS AMAZING STORY TELLING BUT IN THE CONTEXT OF ME TRYING TO EXPAND ON WHAT'S THERE I DONT HAVE MUCH FOR THE CAT ACTOR .

[minty-leafy]

ik tumblr has a lot of folks in the LGBTQ+ community so...

hey guys um, how do you know if ur aroace (or at least asexual) or just have commitment issues, or am i both

im 19 now, and i HAD crushes in primary sch (7-12) that i later realised i never liked them, they were just like my biases or eye candy, i would act shy around them, or do things i dont normally just for them

in secondary school (13-16), when all my friends were saying theyre jealous of couples and want to start dating, i felt nothing, i always think abt whats the point of dating, i rather hang out with my close friends, marriage doesnt appeal to me, and s*x disgusts me (but i enjoy reading smut?) every time they see a couple in public or online, they will feel jealous and salty that they dont have one, and im just there laughing at them (i purposely point out couples to them even hehe)

in poly (17-now), esp this past year and a little before that, ive been thinking if i just have commitment issues instead, because the thought of having a relationship scares me, like the label of 'boyfriend' and 'girlfriend' just gives me a big NO, im scared i lose feelings for the person, i had 'crushes' before but they never lasted more than half a month, it either disappears after a while, or immediately vanishes the moment i dont see them anymore

i realised the trend of my 'crushes' in poly is that they treat me nicely, like a gentleman, and i immediately think like "wow i like them", but it never lasts. when i think i like them, i try to think of us tgt, but i cant, like it feels very weird, and i cant imagine kissing them on the lips

these thoughts came out because this guy likes me, and literally our entire friend group knows, like he's not hiding it, and so our friends ship us, but when i think abt what if we were tgt, again, its just impossible, not sure if i just dont like him, am aroace, or have commitment issues. when i try to think of us doing couple things i cant, but i can freely do those with my girl friends (like hugging, holding hands, gg out 1 to 1, im a highly affectionate person, i love physical affection from close friends, be it guys or girls)

as i said before, im currently 19, and ive been singlr all my life, idk whether all these thoughts are because ive never experienced dating before, or am i just too young to confirm my sexuality?

TL:DR

19F, aroace or commitment issues, single since birth

loves physical affection and would do it with close friends no matter the gender

afraid of the term 'boyfriend'and 'girlfriend', cant imagine dating anyone, dont know if i just haven't found the one

doesnt get jealous and wishful looking at couples, never felt butterflies in stomach or heart beating fast over ppl i thought i liked, weirded out by kisses on lips (even on TV), gets repulsed by the thought of s*x

[ghost-of-the-machine]

i know i just said im not ashamed but im SO ASHAMED you have no idea. over what? it

i have this weird mindset where like. if someone gets to know me for one particular things, whether it be a specific fandom or even just DRAWING HUMANS, i feel like i can never ever share my other interests with them cuz.. what if they dont care? i wouldnt blame them i cant make anyone give a shit about what i do but. ITS TERRIFYING TO ME.. so i just avoid it but. its leaving me very.. unfulfilled? like HORRIBLY, ive set aside a lot of my other interests because im . i dont care what strangers think, fuck you suck my dick but. people i know? people im close with? i know why i do it, hes right it feels like a test and tests can go wrong!!!! what if i test the waters and its not received positively? i cant bear the thought of any part of me being unappealing to my loved ones, genuinely it keeps me up at night fearing that some small thing might just switch it all off overnight its the worst thing ever.

i know its not healthy to just... shove myself into this little box but in my head, thats why they want! in my head its a good thing, i need to keep myself presentable and perfect, as perfect as someone like me can get anyways

maybe thats why i feel like i dont exist without them? ive literally pushed away anything i think they WONT like or even wont care about, ive just.. dropped it all. fear, it just comes from fear, but whew!!!!! exhausting

im not proud of this, i wish that changing myself to fit what i THINK someone wants wouldnt come so naturally to me but it does, i wish my brain worked differently

i just. i need to LOOK OUT for myself. the worst pain i can experience is rejection, its amplified 10000% it feels like. i know ive said before id rather relive all my trauma than feel rejected at all, and thats still TRUE i cant handle it.. as unfortunate as it is, bpd just makes me sensitive. theres like no other way to word it, i am SENSITIVE my skin is fragile its made of glass, i cant take criticism even if its GOOD because it hurts me to think that something i did wasnt good enough, it makes me sick actually!! i need to protect myself, i need to hide the parts of me that could be damaged like that but.. hiding parts of yrself doesnt feel good, does it? im scared of that pain, i dont want to face it.. but it doesnt feel nice to lose myself cuz i think its what someone would want

in my head this is how it goes, i do something, its received poorly (rejected), ouch!!! first of all. second of all, rejection cracks my image, it opens me up to the possibility of being left behind. bpd is all about black and white thinking. the good is the best and the bad is the WORST. it feels shameful to admit how my brain works but it . its true, its the truth. if someone doesnt like something about me, even if its SMALL and they dont actually care, in my head it means they basically dont like me, they must hate me! they must hate me and theyre probably gonna leave me since theyre so disgusted with me for.. what? being a furry? yes!!!!!!!!!! it goes from 0-100 so fast, its scary

but.. i really DONT feel like i exist without them. if im not talking with them about our things, im working on my things they know and like alright im never really doing anything else anymore.. like. why am i so ashamed to just... be a human with interests? im scared, scared the smallest thing will just... take it all away from me, yknow? as much as id LOVE to ramble about my ocs and stuff that ive never really talked about, that shame persists. its too strong, i end up just deleting the post or hiding it in drafts, i cant bring myself to share because im scared

i know its really dumb but. its what we're working with rn!!!! mild disinterest = rejection = abandonment, what a vicious cycle!!! i get it now guys omg.... all the bpd girlies who mirror, i know i mirror too but i never really like. GOT IT until now, i mirror cuz im afraid to be something they wont like!!!! it is all so clear to me now. doesnt make it better but whatever. maybe ill be brave one day, but idk

[dumbbitchfrommars]

"princess diana"

why is my making an effort to look and feel pretty, when i am in a low place, trying to break away and distract myself from the seemingly endless stress and turmoil my life is right now, exactly WHY is that such a fucking crime?

why is it that i feel like such a caricature of a woman when i make an effort to feel in touch with my feminine side? why does it feel like an overcompensation, an oversaturated and overdone attempt at hiding behind a costume? why when i look at my sisters in their many different states of being, does it all seem so effortless, when all i want is to feel like myself, like my best, like im beautiful too.

why is it such a crime to want that feeling of security and safety for myself?

i am completely afraid of going on this trip and having to face my true self, to be vulnerable with a person i dont trust and avoid completely, to know that everyone sees the block that i have in me and how pathetic it is that i can barely break through. like they all clearly have. because theyre all so fucking emotionally grown.

apparently i hide behind my maturity to avoid my wounded inner child.

all of the sudden im walking around with a target on my back.

maybe i was too quick to stop seeing my psychologist?

cause right now all i feel is rage and frustration and pain. because i really do feel like im alone, and no one including myself can make me feel safe. yet all i have ever done is try to make everyone else feel safe in my presence. when will this energy be returned to me?

why is it such a crime to ask for these things for myself? why am i so unworthy? because i dont have a fucking second to be alone when its all i fucking crave from life? for the past month all i have wanted was a second to return to myself. to workout again, to do yoga again, to go for a walk with myself again, to appreciate the lovely little beauties in life that only i can share with myself because there is no one else like me. to see from the perspective that i lost and quickly became more and more restricted the more i felt in survival mode. trying to rush to get every task done. every task that no one else would ever do.

right now it feels like no one truly appreciates the uniqueness of who i am. they just see all my flaws and weaknesses. i guess trying is not good enough, i guess something has to change.

somethings gotta give.

my best change comes from distancing myself from external energies when i come to these roadblocks and uncomfortable feelings within me, but it seems like distance could be a hard thing to reach at the moment.

even the fucking cat doesn't like me.

nobody likes me when im miserable.

its the cold hard truth.

nobody likes you when youre miserable.

sorry! dont like you. good luck with your depression and anxiety. youre on your own now.

i understand in a sense, not having the time or patience for it. i feel like maybe when you reach that plateau of spiritual growth you do tend to step up on the pedestal above all the puny, pathetic undeveloped non-spiritual folk.

what makes them any different to me in this scenario?

not nice being the one below looking up huh.

the difference between me and the people who i cut off - people i slowly distanced myself away from and never once was hurtful or bullied, just genuinely stop resonating with and took the step back from - is that i am making an active effort to try become better.

but apparently my own timing doesnt work for you. apparently my process doesnt look like yours and therefore is not valid. and so i become the butt of a joke that im not laughing at. or i am... because im a people pleaser.

fuck my life.

am i not allowed this one moment? this one reprieve from the shittiness of my situation at the moment to be completely and annoyingly drained, pathetic and enraged? is that not allowed anymore????? let me fucking live my life! this was my first day off in god knows how long, and i still ended up with a schedule jammed full of plans to run around doing things for other people!

im supposed to be writing my FUCKING THESIS!!!

my fucking fucking fuckoubgrafubnbge thesis .

AND OF COURSE TO TOP IT ALL OFF MY DUMBASS COWORKER OVERCHARGED ME WHEN I CAME IN SPECIFICALLY BUYING A PRODUCT FOR THE FUCKING DISCOUNT HE WAS SUPPOSED TO FUCKING APPLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ugh.

its so exhausting to carry all these pent up emotions around with me. like a child. a child who doesnt know what to do with it all because its too big.

the most hurtful thing to me is that no one shares my unconditional love and adoration for all small humans and animals. especially dogs. even the ones who claim to be the closest to me, my best friend, sisters. to not share it, to not even acknowledge it in me, to reject that part of me. to judge that part of me. who the fuck do you think you are? claiming to love me and not see that side of me. to not want to see it. to ignore it. to reject it...

some part of me... i think its my inner child. its a part of my inner child. but not me when i was little... me when i was bigger, but still little. she wants me to sit it out tomorrow. to leave myself out to send the message that im hurt, and im angry, and i dont want anything to do with people who hurt me. that they have done something wrong, and should know that something is wrong, but i wont tell them why.

then theyll ask me what happened, and ill say nothing even though its something. and hold onto that pent up resentment until the next thing goes wrong.

or i tell them, and its explosive, and messy, and poorly executed, and very well mean the end of the relationship in its entirety. all for a small moment that triggered an insecurity in me.

god im so sensitive. im so sensitive but no one wants to see it. no one wants to acknowledge it. because my walls are so far up that i wont let them. and when they notice... well. i guess it doesnt matter.. because ive been hiding so long. im always hiding. whenever it shows, its rejected. i keep feeling so rejected. what the fuck is going on with me...

i feel like a pathetic child.

im hurt.

im tired, im exhausted, im burnt out, ive overextended myself, all i want is for things to be light and fun again but it feels like it never will be. it feels like it wont get better in time for the trip or the festival. it feels like im gonna let everyone down. it feels like im just one huge disappointment.

what happened to not taking things personally?

i keep thinking that to myself. but thinking it and embodying it are two different things. im repeating the words to myself like a whisper in the background, as i watch myself continue to fall deeper into this despair of "why me?" like a viewer behind a TV screen.

i actually have noticed ive been disassociating a lot more than usual lately. im just mentally checked out. i wish i could just... disappear somewhere. somewhere totally isolated where i could be by myself. maybe ill get that at the festival. maybe what i feared, being abandoned, will be exactly what i need. to just float in the water and stare at the sky for as long as i need to forget all my problems.

i dont know whats going on with me now but i just hope its over soon. i hope its over before it gets bad enough for me to revert to my old ways. i just want to be okay again. i just want to feel safe again, and to not be afraid, and to not be angry, and to be in love with life again. to be in love with myself, to accept myself, to not hate myself, to not be angry with myself, to not feel like its all coming apart, to not feel like im doing it all wrong when im giving it my all.

[fecundaratis]

i dont wanna write creatively about it today.

today, i just feel sad and empty.

for the last month or so, ive been having panic attacks. not every day, a few times a week at most i think. every other day maybe.

my whole body tenses up. i shrink myself as small as i can. my neck and shoulders are killing me. i dont even realize its happening.

my partner notices something off. asks if im ok. if i want a hug. and i freeze and start panicking. no, dont, dont you fucking touch me. get away. im holding my breath for minutes at a time, completely unaware that im even doing it. they tell me to breathe and it just makes me angrier. im pissed off that theyre trying to help me. pissed off that they noticed something was wrong. when they walk towards me slowly, like theyre trying to calm a feral neighborhood cat, i get this instinct to run as fast as i can. to hide. to become invisible until they stop looking for me. instinctively, i feel that once they stop looking for me, it will be safe to come out.

but i never do that. because they arent so pushy as to make me finally take that step. they tell me gently to take deep breaths. but trying to regulate my breathing just makes me hyperventilate. my lungs are sore from holding my breath for so long.

after it passes, my whole body hurts. i feel like ive run a marathon, i feel like ive lifted up a car. im exhausted and i ache so much that i can barely move.

lately, i dont leave the house to do errands with my partner. when i think about what makes me so anxious to leave, i think about people seeing me. not even speaking to me, or attacking me, or getting hit by a car or a mass shooting, i dont think about all of the things that would almost be reasonable to be afraid of. i just think about being seen.

i am terrified to my bones of being looked at right now. i feel like being acknowledged is the worst thing that can happen to me. when i think about my loved ones seeing me, my siblings or my parents or grandparents or friends, i worry theyll see that somethings wrong just as easily as my partner does.

my thoughts are so constant, so quick that they feel like tv static inside my head. thoughts so numerous and constant that it almost feels like im not thinking at all.

im trying not to. but im distancing myself from people i care about. when they try to take care of me, i want to fight them. i want to yell at them to leave me alone. i get so mad that it scares me.

im so worried about what will happen when people care about me, but i also feel betrayed when they dont. almost like, im suffering so prettily, dont you see it? i put all this effort to be perfectly tragic and you dont even notice. you arent even grateful for how i suffer. as if im doing it for them.

im terrified of what this means for me. if my symptoms are real, or if theyre just desperate bids for attention. a 15 year old pretending to be depressed for attention is sad, but im 31. now its just pathetic.

i told my partner eariler, "i dont like when you humor my delusions." they told me, "you think so many fundamental truths about yourself are delusions."

when i think about the possibility that my problems are real, i feel cold terror in my gut. like being afraid of getting caught doing something bad. when i think about maybe ive lied about every bad thing thats ever happened to me, i feel something like relief. maybe ive lied so much, that i dont even know what the truth is anymore. or how to tell it. maybe ive lied so much ive completely convinced even myself that those lies are true.

when i tell my partner these thoughts, they tell me "you include details that someone lying about these things wouldnt think to include. you leave out details that someone who was lying would add to aid the deception." they insist that they can tell im not lying about any of this. they tell me that there are things about me that retroactively made sense after i disclosed some of my history.

a part of my brain hisses out that theyre blinded by love for me. that the possibility that they couldve fallen in love with someone who was so deceitful is so harrowing for them, that they ignore the clear truth: that i am someone who lies for attention and pity.

that part is so loud sometimes. a part of my brain is so loud and verbally abusive that i cannot cope with it. i dont know if its my conscience or a coping mechanism.

im so tired. i just want to know what is real

[kath-artic]

moar

since im on the topic i wanna play around in this space a little more

growing up i was a very private person. sure, my best friends knew about problems at home and my struggles with mental health, but i never talked to them about the things i cared about or the people i liked. love was such a valuable thing that to talk about it frivolously seemed sinful and just downright disrespectful to the concept. it had to be protected. this is unfortunately why i stayed in my first relationship for so long. i foolishly thought that i was somehow about infatuation and frivolous love. i thought id know it when i found it and that id never let it go, so i couldnt just admit id made a mistake. regardless, friendships to me were always about being too in the moment to care about anything else. friendship was about silent understanding and play. most of my high school friends were like this. we never talked about our lives outside of school save for one or two times, but we all knew we were all going through something so we'd all keep each other busy all night. we wouldnt leave the school until the janitors kicked us out and then we'd wander the town. every now and then someone would break down and cry and we'd sit there and hold each other, but talking about it hardly seemed necessary at that time. it wasnt until the dam broke for me at the end of my senior year that i started really opening up about stuff. that was my brief Therapy phase. i became obsessed with talking about the trauma id gone through and didnt know how to be someone outside of it for a while, but that was a horrible person to be for me. i feel bad for her and it was important that i was her for a time, but im glad im not anymore. she taught me how to be open, but every time i opened up i exploded and it never felt all that fulfilling. in fact, i found that me "trauma dumping" was just me trying to answer everyones questions before they started prying so theyd think i had nothing to hide. i was afraid of people knowing me at that time. what's more, the concept of meeting new people was exhausting at that time because to know me at that time was to know what id been through and it was hard having to go through it again and again.

leaving fixed me. ive said it before but it remains true. ive realized i love a blank slate and ive realized that knowing me is an innate quality some people do or dont possess in varying degrees. ive realized my story is mine and that i generally like being private because i really only like sharing when i think i'll be understood or when i think it's necessary to expose people to new possibilities. i like knowing lots of people, i like knowing them deeply and intimately, but not necessarily constantly. i dont want people to run dry by dumping all their is to know at my feet at once, which is why i think space is so necessary for me. old friends reaching out is such a joy because theyre a new person at this point! new friends are such a joy because they tend to feel as though theyre old friends! i just like for my circle to be full of as many people who are distinctly themselves as possible and i like to learn something. i know sometimes i have to be the teacher, but i vastly prefer equal exchanges. there are few people i never grow tired of, but they tend to also be the ones who think similarly and likewise go off on their own from time to time. we maintain a healthy distance even though we could just as easily talk forever and ever and never grow bored. i think thats the kind of relationship i can have only one of at a time and its something i reserve for romatic partners. a romantic partner is someone who is eternally interesting. someone i can be close to and still find more new things about. i still like to have space, but the closeness wouldnt make me squirm. we could talk forvever and ever and maybe we just will. idk. but there it is

[gr1evance]

1 and 4 for Strudel!!! 5, 6, and 8 for STARB!!!

for strudel:

1. What kind of person is your OC in a crisis? Are they calm and collected? Do they panic? Or are they chronically the cause?

oh in a crisis he will.. be one of the first to freak out about it. but not really in a loud way he tends to withdraw and just kind of want to hide for days on end. and it kind of eats him up inside because his whole thing is wanting to Be The Hero but. he cant really handle much anymore. especially considering the crisis hes currently in is VERY very life threatening i dont think anyone can handle it. but yeah he goes quiet or hides though on rare occassions he can push through enough to be a steadying force. but then he needs to go hide afterwards

4. Does your OC have a failed friendship or relationship they still think about? What happened? Is it an unresolved regret or is there a chance for reconciliation?

you could probably consider his relationship to patty to be that. they were still hero and villain enemies when the show got cancelled and they never really had a chance to resolve any of that. he always wanted to though even though they were trying to destroy the city because he just wanted to give them a chance since it seemed like no one ever had. but the show got cancelled before he could and now hes real and theyre not. he definitely still thinks about it a lot even though theres nothing he can do anymore

for starb:

5. Does your OC have a signature weapon and/or attack? How long did they train to master it?

one of his powers is being able to make these like big stars that he can throw to knock people back or use like a shield and i consider that his signature power probably. it took him.. a very very long time to get control of his powers so he could do stuff like that instead of Just Exploding

6. Does your OC know magic? Were they born with magical ability or did they train to acquire it? What is their favorite type of magic? Least favorite?

uuhhh well i wouldnt say Magic but he comes from like. superheroes world where most ppl have powers. he was born with his powers though theyre like. entirely emotion based and consist of like i mentioned above those stars he can summon they vary in sizes and when his powers are under control theyre generally glowing light yellow and rounded so they dont actually hurt people. but when he gets too emotional (any very strong emotion including positive ones) his powers get more dangerous and his stars specifically get a dull gray/white and are sharp and dangerous. when hes excited or just happy little cosmetic stars can like appear and float down around him. he also has slow falling which again he can only use when hes emotionally calm and healing which works by him like. again being calm but he has to wish to heal the person like wishing on a star its cute. and finally when his emotions are. extremely strong he does risk just straight up exploding, it doesnt injure him but it Is just an explosion to the area around him. he likes that he can help people with his powers now but ultimately hes kind of resentful of them and afraid of himself for all the harm he did in the past that was just an accident bc he couldnt control it. it very much haunts him

8. What was your OC's most embarrassing moment? Does it still bother them or are they able to shrug it off?

oh god.. im not sure honestly. i dont know if id count his past like. destruction and manslaughter as Embarrassing as much as traumatizing. i dont think he tends to get embarrassed too often? okay actually no i lied i think the entire time he was at scelestic after they kidnapped him and he met tesla (his husband) was the most embarrassing for him bc it was. really really gay. but he would never regret meeting his husband

[shel0vesme]

why do i keep doing this shit to myself? why do i keep making myself small for men? why am i so afraid of showing my true self? why do i think im not lovable at my true shape? why do i keep hiding?

its exhausting, honestly. i keep repeating patterns when i know im only destructing myself, and i ingonre it and i go blind just because i wanna FEEL something. of course men like me, i make them see the version they want in me, but why do i keep going back into this situations when i know hats not the right way? i hate that i keep letting men treat me this way and i just SAY NOTHING. and im afraid that i will never be able to escape from this. WHAT DO I FUCKING WIN FROM THIS? AND WHAT DO I LOOSE IF I LOOSE THEM? the answer in both is absolutely nothing. its just the feeling of feeling, and i know i desired this, after months and months of not feeling anything, even feeling pain is like adrenaline to my veins, its SOMETHING. it reminds me that im alive and im not just some character from one of my movies. but im fucking tired of making myself invisible and shaping myself into a mans wet dream if that means ill be able to talk to someone trought the day. 

and i also hate that i cannot trust them anymore. how do i know theyre tlling the truth? how do i know its not just some fucking bullshit and theyre just lying in my face? i want to believe, i want to trust. but i cannot let myself be free. i am so afraid to be played dumb again. to be left like a fool. but, how am i gonna be able to experience love if its not just blind trusting everyone? thats the whole point. happy sad. and i think im happy being sad. maybe just for this one. i dont know if hes the one. i still dont know if i want him to be the one. but god how do i want him to want me 

[appljuiceboxx]

fear

ugh i really wanna join artfight but im away at my grandparents' for raya haji and i can't use my laptop here so i cant really do anything now.

I cant do this rh im so sick of this my dad turned on hidden homophobia mode when i got enthusiastic abt tsoa cuz im reading it rn and i hate it.. I dont think hes tolerating my gay otp rants anymore. he always has this tone when he sighs disaprovingly. i mean i love my dad and mom but i wish i could just run away and hide please.

im so afraid of the day i have to come up to them and say "hey i like both girls and boys and i had a crush on [femald friend from school]" and then call the police and then let them cane me.

Found some extremely homophobic memes on my dads facebook and i dont think im going to sleep

Really wanna run away to the uk rn.. i dont feel safe here.

Literature pride icons will be posted next week im sorry theyre late

this got so off topic lol

[butchviking]

i challenge you to... all the questions you havent done yet 🔪 (or just the first 10 you havent done if thats too many)

that is a lot for sure but hey, i got the time.

4. mythical creature you think/believe is real?

none of them... thats why theyre mythical... sorry for being boring but i believe in the real world im afraid!

5. favorite form of potato?

dauphinoise!!!!!

9. do you have a skincare routine (and how many steps is it)?

i uhh. i guess. it's 1-2 steps. i wash my face and then sometimes i moisturise it.

11. anything from your childhood you’ve held on to?

YES my teddy bear joe 🧸 who is currently on his way to a country i just left 😭 im so worried for him i hope he makes it 😭😭 (also an mcr shirt from when i was like 10/11 lol. of course.)

12. brand of haircare/bodycare/skincare that you trust 100%?

i would never trust any brand 100%. however i usually buy simple face wash & moisturiser. im not super brand loyalty abt it or anythin tho i just like that they don't stink of perfume like most do

13. first thing you’re doing in the purge?

HIDING girl wtf 😭 my ass would NOT survive the purge im 5'4 female have no fighting skill at all & don't own a gun. it would b nice to rob some places get some money & cool stuff but there would b other ppl there doing the same thing and if they want to kill me over the last bottle of rum at the asda or something then im totally fucked. im hide and hope everyone is niceys :3

14. do you think you’re dehydrated?

rn? no i don't think so. i had to drink my big bottle of water real quick before i got on this plane.

16. thoughts on mint chocolate chip?

it's good!

17. an anxious compulsion you do everyday?

oh i wouldn't even know. that shit doesn't even register to me anymore. theres so much weird shit i do that dont even notice til someone points it out

19. the veggie you dislike the most?

celery 🤮

20. favorite disney princess movie?

uhhhhhh. when i was a kid i liked cinderella 2? i don't remember any of it anymore though. frozen was ok? mostly i just liked let it go tho. im really not a disney gal lol

21. a number that weirds you out?

this is ironic. 21. i dont like it and i dont like that its a multiple of 7. it shouldn't be. AND a multiple of 3. dont like that.

22. do you have an emotional support water bottle?

nope. could do with getting one of those huge 1.5L blue plastic ones again tho, i had one a few summers ago n i loved it but it broke

23. do you wear jewelry?

currently, yeah! wooden rosary on my wrist and a viking-style metal twist ring. i go thru phases i pick an item or two and refuse to ever ever take them off for like 6 months, n then they break or i lose them or smthn and then i dont wear anything for another few months until i find smthn else.

24. which do you find yourself using, american or british english?

british bc i am british

25. would you say you have good taste in music?

yes. i have the best music taste in the entire world and im right about everything

28. last meal on earth?

either a giant platter of shredded duck (hoisin on the side) or a giant platter of salmon. no other components necessary i'll just shovel that shit down w my bare hands

[jujulebee]

[private]

no no but u see theres ppl who like roleplay as vampires on the internet all the time thats like just what theyre doing. hiding in plain sight its so dumb and its working 4 the most part.

i guess i stopped goin cause hes the one who convinced me 2 go in the first place? and when i broke up i was like im fine actually i dont need 2 go 2 a therapist i can just party and then i never have to think long enough to start feeling bad

ur right i should. i should like just stay out of that business. why i gotta put my nose in that business? i can just pretend yeah? pretend aint nothin to look at. i try so hard 2 not be at fault for things pa, i dont wanna be involved i just wanna be a good person.

its certainly real unnervin to know. im so sorry for cursin ya with this knowledge. an yea i think id destroy a car 2 keep folks safe. im still strugglin w the idea of keepin myself safe but im. i wanna try. cause it means i can better keep others safe, yea? i just aint afraid of gettin hurt

i aint real public w my address, v need 2 kno basis sorta deal. but it aint in a real like, populated area. i feel safe here. mom does a hell of a job makin sure im warded even if shes worried bout how paranoid i am. specially since i keep changing the locks. i mean i aint recently. but. i think havin bothd b good yeah? vibration sensors and motion sensors?

i really really dont wanna b scared anymore. i hate feelin this way. i feel like some sorta cornered animal. ill see what i can do bout talkin to a shrink, maybe seein a psych. i know my bestie dolls has a list of psychs that shes cross checked 2 see if theyre like, vampo friendly. ill see abt like, diagnoses, maybe like, medication.

a moat sounds p reasonable but i feel like its too like, noticeable ya know? i aint want anyone lookin an gawkin. plus i aint sure id take good enough care of a gator i aint want it sufferin none

((a moat? that sounds reasonable. honey, please))

{Confidential}

That is...an entirely impractical bit of nonsense. Maybe fifty years ago, but how are you supposed to keep that secret now? And you're all on the internet. Publicly. I'd be dead because I threw a taxi at someone within a week. Anyway, maybe going to them isn't the worst idea? It depends really. Why did you stop going?

It's good you're in a familiar place. That is one of those things that both complicates and simplifies things, unfortunately. My best advice there is to do your best to try to stay out of that kind of business, but I know things just happen. It's important to remember though that just because things happen it doesn't mean it's your fault. Sometimes shit gets picked up by the wind and thrown into the fan.

I hate knowing there are people who can outrun cars. I hate having this knowledge. If they can outrun my car then I hope they can tank it because if they start that shit I'm just going to skip the escape and ram into them. Do that if push comes to shove. Sometimes the best escape is making sure they can't chase you before anything else.

That doesn't shock me. Eeeh, cameras can be sketchy. I think a good way to get around that is vibrational motion sensors. I have a few in my warehouse. Not every useful for busy places, but great for monitoring spots no one should be being in. Especially around doors, windows, really any entry. For busier places...hm, I'll have to think about it.

I think you just don't want to be scared anymore and that's the most normal thing of all. Not wanting to be scared. Not wanting to hurt anymore. I've seen your hair though, girlie. You'd not be normal even if you weren't so paranoid. You're exceptional, nothing wrong with that. That vampire shrink may be able to help you find out what kind of nut you are or you could do some research and see what matches what you experience best. Given the circumstances, you might not ever know for sure, but it'll at least give you a little guidance.

Build a moat. Put a gator in it. Who's going to stop you?

//Oh Honey noooo//