#the meds are helping in so many ways and at first i thought i wasnt hallucinating at night anymore

[schizononagesimus]

lofi beats to fend off the hallucinations to

[bakiuwu]

Kinda crazy how the crossover proves why there shouldn't have been one in the first place. Baki and kengen are very different but constantly get grouper together. Like yea, there might be a few similarities/references when it comes to kengen with baki, but like they are both so different, especially for them to take place in the same universe. Like the shit with pickle, so no one on the kengan side heard of pickle even tho everyone in the world was aware of his existence????

There's just so many things wrong with that crossover Like can't get over the fact these mfs barely interact with eachother, everyone's fucking personality was water down and mfs were just cardboard cut outs OR MISCHARACTERIZE SO FUCKING BAD LIKE JACK AND SOME OTHERS, LIKE THEY WAYER DOWN SO MANY BITCHES ITS NOT FUNNY ESPECIALLY JUN like I don't know much about kengan characters but i know DAMN WELL his ass would had been more active then what he was honestly same for everyone.

Like imagine after he said "thoes guys are scary looking" he would follow it up with ".....im go talk to them" then proceed to go over there IDK SOMETHING LIKE he coukd had try placing a bet on who said is gonna win....idk katou could had join in on it THEN THEY ALL COULD HAD INTRO THEMSELVES TO EACHOTHER AND GIVE INTRESTING COMENTSRY MAN IDK I JUST WANTED THESE FUCKERS TO ACTUALLY TALK TO EACHOTHER BUT WAIT THAG ACTUALLY REQUIRES CHARACTER WRITING. It's like Netflix didn't know how to handle two big groups of characters who all have big personalities so they just said fuck it and Sedated everyone.

Another thing....how come characters of the same series weren't interacting with each other??? Like doppo was just off by himself same for shibakuwa...like why and nobody talking to baki like at ALL was very odd to me its like if characters were assigned a role they wasnt allowed to interact with another character outside that role, like how come doppo wasn't sitting with katsumi and the others???....how come katsumi didn't interact with saw ping that would been interesting because ya know both of their dads fought.....but no know of tha....nothing for this to be a crossover bitches weren't really crossing over...I'm sorry but nobody talking to baki really bothers me

Also kinda crazy how the movie did the two things I BEG TO NOT HAPPEN LIKE WTF

the sence with kurhea and the other guy was kinda funny but annoying cause the movie link them together cause they're both doctors....okay and? Theyre still too very different characters....also really they went to med school together....okay that's it, AND YOU DONT SEE THEM AGAIN. WHAT WAS THE POINT. I thought they was gonna to be helping heal people, like there could have been a funny scene of them fighting over who's way the best way of healing a patient...idk man.

Oliva and Julius moments were funny but also annoyed me when I found out they was pair together due to them both using brute strength....like okay

Shibakuwa and the one guy interactions were werid, he was so out of character LIKE WHY WAS HE ANNOYED BY HIM LIKE WTF ALSO REALLY THERE INTERACING BECAUSE OF AKI

Gaia and fucking M's moments were..... disappointing asf, they mischaracterize tf outta gaia like???? SO GAIA WHOLE THING IS SCREAMINF HUH? THATS WHAT YAL GOT FROM HIM LIKE WTF MADE YALL THINK THE FIRST THING HE WOULD DO WAS SCREAM AT A GUY HE IS AWAERE IS FUCKING BLIND ARE YOU DEAD ASS LIKE?????

ALSO WHY ARE THEY SECURITY, ALSO WOWWWW THEY ARE PAIR TOGETHER BECAUSE THEY BOTH DEAL WITH MILTARY SHIT WOOOOOWWW SO CREATIVE

*sigh* I think the most disappointing one was baki and ohma I wanted them to be silly besties so bad but Netflix literally gave me nothing ALL THEY DID WAS STARE AT EACHOTHER AND LOOK AWAY LIKE WHERE WAS THE FUNNY MOMENTZ LIKE WTF, ALSO THE "your just like me" FUCK OFF YALL GAVE THESE TWO NOTHING

How did yall fumble these interactions so bad....also Jack being water-down to "guy who does drugs".....really piss me off and the fact they couldnt make a original fight for him and raian says alot like they fucked him over so bad....im not over this.

The movie was made to fucking quick it need more time and actually writing before being released. It's also so clear how they didn't want to hurt anyone's fucking feelings so they made sure it was only 3 fights so it could be fair and end on a fuck ass draw.....bullshit like I was hoping to GOD it would end on everyone going to eat but nope....nothing

Also, pickle being there was so???? Unneeded like It felt out of place like the moment between him and ohma was kinda cute but like okay? After that he just left and no one from kengan seem...to give a fuck tha he was a caveman/ seem to notice....okay

ALSO im sure this takes place after the father and son fight (cause they reference the face baki made during his fight with yujiro) so having pickle interrupted the fight was so????? Especially if he learn his manners when baki scold him for trying to interrupted his......hmm a

Also yujiros moment felt a little off cause like don't get me wrong, his moments were fun, but like the way he just left cause him and the guy got screamed at for "ruining"the fun like???? IT was funny but so rushed, also him knowing the niko style..."So you're the one that guy he taught that style to." okay....also, his interactions with the other guy were weak as shit

Last thing....this shit....

PISSED ME OFF SO BAD AT FCUJING FIRST I WAS HAPPY VERY HAPPY BUT THEN WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT IT......THIS DOENSNT MAKE ANY FUCKING SENSE ITS LIKE THEY JUST PUT THEM JN TIT JUST TO PUT THEM IN IT OMFG WHA WAS THE POINT??? LIKE SPEC IS CANONLY IN A FUCKIN COMA, DORIAN IS NOT MENTALLY THERE SO WHO TF BROKE HIM OUT, WHEN TF DID DOLYE BREAK OUT??? THE ONLY ONES WHO ARE CANONLY OUT ARE SKIORSKY AND YANGI BUT EVEB THEN WHY WOULD THEY FUCKING GROUP UP??? JUST TO FIGHT THIS GUY ALSO....REALLY PAIRIG UP THE GUY WHO IS ALL ABOUT JUSTICE WHITH THE CONVICTS WOWWWWW HOW CREATIVE.....omfg this is so stupid also WHY SKIORSKY AND DORIAN THE DAME HEIGHT AS SPEC???. LIKE DUDE

(Like a small part of this is funny cause they dont have a clue in the world skiorsky is living hjs besr life in a small apartment with his boyfriend, also like to imagine skiorsky was here cause he was picking up gaia.....)

yea ....it took me less then 24 hours that day to realize how much I hated this shit

[bayisdying]

Lucky Penny - Chapter Thirteen

A/N okay I lied. Angst is still here with us babes. 🤷‍♀️ my fucking bad.

A week after she woke up, Lucky was medically cleared to head home on the condition that someone was home with her all around the clock.

That would be no problem with everyone rallied around her. Her mom and Dulce had gotten a hotel room nearby, and it's not like base was very far from the cottage either.

----

A burden.

That's how everyone had described it when William started dating a woman with a child. A burden he didn't need in his life.

Sometimes she felt like those people were right, he had totally changed his life practically overnight to be a father figure to a child that wasnt his own. He never complained out loud, but sometimes she wondered if he hated her. If he wished she wasn't there at all, that Delilah hadn't come with baggage in the shape of a child.

Had he hated her all those years?

-----

Nobody was letting her do a damn thing herself. She couldn't even walk to the bathroom without someone following her in case she fainted. She knew they meant well, but it was starting to really irritate her.

She couldn't remember the last time her mother even babied her like this, probably before William had died. The woman was cooking up a storm using the cottages small kitchen to her full advantage. Soups, casseroles, baked goods, it didn't matter what it was Delilah was cooking. Then she'd practically force the food down her daughter's throat. Hoping that the homemade meals would help her feel better.

And as much as I loved her mother's cooking, she was starting to resent it. All she wanted was a burger and fries from the Hard Deck. She stopped eating most of what her mother brought to her. She hid just enough to fool the older woman, then threw it away later.

If her mother knew about it, she never said a word.

-----

A burden.

That's what her biological father had thought of her, why he left before her first birthday. He had tried for the first ten months,but he was young and wasn't ready to be weighed down by a child.

Lucky never met the man, but once she got curious and looked him up on social media. He'd been married to some woman for fifteen years and they had four kids. Four half-siblings who probably had no idea they had an older sister.

She had cried herself to sleep that night.

They weren't burdens, so why was she?

-----

She knew he was trying his best, but Fanboy was the worst offender of not letting her be independent. Anything she needed? He grabbed it. She mentioned being uncomfortable? Here comes Mickey with another pillow and blanket.

She stopped saying it out loud, because she didn't want him to think she couldn't do things.

"Cariño, are you okay?" He had asked one night and Lucky couldnt decide to laugh or cry.

"I'm okay babe."

"Are you sure? You've been a little distant recently. I just want to make sure you're okay."

She shrugged "I'm just fine Mickey, but I have a headache so I'm going to take one of those migraine meds and go to bed."

He watched as she walked away, he had no idea how to help her get through this funk, but he wasn't going to give up on her.

-----

A burden.

Wasn't that why her and Mickey had snuck around for years? They didn't want their relationship to sabotage their Naval careers. For it to be used against them. Hadn't that made her a burden to him for all these years?

Maybe he still felt that way about her sometimes, a dirty little secret who could ruin his life.

-----

Even Hangman was getting on her nerves, and not like he usually did. He'd come in and sit on the bed and just talk for HOURS. Lucky swear she's learned more about Jake Seresin than she ever wanted to know.

She was happy they had become closer, but this was too much. She knew about his first girlfriend, that he went as a cowboy for three Halloweens in a row, and far too many more facts.

She stopped listening, stopped giving her input. She simply rolled to face away from him and if he didn't notice her indifference that was on him.

-----

A burden.

She often wonders if Katie and her would still be friends or if Katie would have finally wisened up and dumped her troublemaker best friend.

Katie had been patient and kind, able to get Baylie out of whatever shenanigans she could get into.

Perhaps the burden of being the perfect friend had made Katie want to die so badly.

If only Baylie could have been a better friend, maybe the world would still have Katie.

-----

Coyote felt guilty, he was the reason Lucky had turned back in the first place. The reason her jet had exploded, and the reason she had nearly died out there.

He brought her little trinkets, knowing damn well her mother was making her enough food to feed the small army of Daggers.

He apologized profusely, despite her placating him by saying she didn't have regrets.

He didn't get it.

She didn't need any fucking reminders of her condition, of what had caused it. She wanted to move past it, but everyone kept holding her back.

One night it all came to a head, most of the group was in the living room. Lucky walked out and immediately Delilah, Mickey, Jake, and Javy all jumped up to help her to the couch. She brushed them all off and bypassed the couch entirely and went into the kitchen to grab her Ben & Jerry's from the freezer but her hands fumbled and she dropped it on the floor.

They all fussed over her, and then Coyote finally said the straw that broke her.

"I'm so sorry Lucky."

"Stop fucking apologizing Javy." She snapped. The most words they had heard her say in days, they all just stared. "In fact all of you just fucking stop. I don't need to be babied."

Then the flood gates fully opened.

"Mom, I love you but you don't have to cook all the time. I haven't even been eating lately and you haven't even noticed. So much for caring for your kid."

She pointed at Mickey "and you, I love how much you care about me but for fuck sake I can get things for myself. I'm just on neurological watch I'm not a fucking invalid."

"Jake." The blonde opened his mouth then decided against it. "I can't listen to another one of your stupid fucking stories. I don't care that Amanda broke your heart in third grade when she kissed Logan right in front of you. Or that you had zero creativity as a child and had to re-use Halloween costumes."

"And you Javy "I can't stop apologizing" Machado. If I hear the word sorry out of your mouth one more time I will punch your lights out. I don't give a fuck that you're sorry. I would have done it for anyone on that mission. You aren't fucking special."

A beat of silence then

"I'm going back to bed, and I don't want to see any of you anytime soon. I will text Nix or Bob if I need anything."

She stomped her way down the hallway completely abandoning the ice cream and leaving the people who cared the most about her in the dust. The slam of the bedroom door shook all the walls in the cottage.

Baylie "Lucky" Steele sure as fuck felt like a burden as she slid down the door and sobbed.

Maybe she always had been a damn burden.

-----

A/N: WHEEEEEEE THE ANGST RIDE IS STILL GOING ON.

[mydemonsdrivealimo]

What were Jensen and Bryce’s experiences discovering their sexualities like? What triggered them to start questioning? How long did it take for them to find a label that fit? Did any specific people help them in any way? Anything else you’d like to add?

tysm for this ask work is done now and im so excited to answer it (apologies its also long af)

What were Jensen and Bryce’s experiences discovering their sexualities like?

Jensen: it took him a long time to be "bothered" with it, is the best way to put it. jensen didnt really have the typical high school relationship/s or experimentation, which def set him back (and led to some bad decisions) in college. he had a gf in high school (who is featured in what doesnt kill you), but he just did it bc she asked and he figured why not, yk? (funnily enough they technically never "broke up" but after jensen got arrested it was implied)

after getting in w his foster parents and moving on to college, he actually had time to figure out stuff about himself (rather than worrying about him and his mom), which was a very weird experience for him. because he was into the music scene more by then, he was meeting lots of new people at shows, and many of them actually had an,, interest in him?? jensen would have never considered himself attractive or even likable before this but suddenly people were asking him out for drinks and actually wanted to get to know him

it was mostly women at first, but ofc a few men went for it too, and jensen never felt compelled to say no. jensen never directly recognized that he was interested in women and men, he just kinda accepted it how it was and moved on (like,, hes friends with aliyah and cy so being queer wasnt some culture-shocking thing that needed to be a big deal yk)

Bryce: bryce started dating early high school and it took him maybe two gfs to realize that he wanted to explore Other options. i dont think he wouldve thought about it much in the beginning, just started dating girls like his friends, but it wouldve been more difficult for him to acknowledge that he definitely wasnt straight

i think bryce wouldve been in with a popular crowd (until everything with his parents at least), so even hinting at any sort of coming out would be a much bigger deal for him. he didnt date or go out with any guys until after his parents bs went public. he went off on his own for a while and that included meeting new people, particularly more queer individuals. his reputation was already fucked so at that point he didnt care anymore, and it was a surprisingly perfect time to try new things and new people

What triggered them to start questioning?

Jensen: somewhere deep in his subconscious, jensen always knew he was attracted to people other than women. again, during his formative years, he really didn't focus on it much, but when it came to more serious dating he was plenty attracted to men, too. he never really questioned it, ig, bc it was sorta always there

Bryce: again, after dating a couple girls, he was like "okay this is nice, but what are my other options" yk. he realized that women weren't his only interest and started questioning more of who he was interested in, rather than just who he was already dating

How long did it take for them to find a label that fit?

Jensen: a while. at least until med school. he labeled as bi for a long time just because it was understandable for other people, but it never quite worked for him. sure it was fine enough, but queer just felt better. rather than just sexuality, he felt that queer covered into gender, too, which he liked more

Bryce: during that hs/early college phase he didn't label as anything, but once he was more confident with it all, pan always felt correct. when dating or anything along those lines, gender never really played a role for him. he was attracted to who he was attracted to and that was enough for him

Did any specific people help them in any way?

Jensen: aliyah and cy were always supportive. they def helped him with labels and generally being in an accepting environment

Bryce: the aforementioned new group of friend he made after the shit with his parents. they were much more open and accepting than his other friends seemed to be. eventually he talked to his old friends again (the ones that werent mad at him) and a good amount of them were fully supportive, it just wasnt really something they had talked about before

Anything else you’d like to add?

not that i can think of!! but again tysm for this ask <3

[salaciousslut]

I'll try to not be too distracting since i know how important exams are, but i know you'll ace your exam. You're a smart girl<3 I hope you have fun when you go out after, I wish i could be there to take care of you while you're having a good time. Im glad you feel honored, you've just been on my mind a lot🫣 pretty music makes people think of pretty people<3 Kali is one of my favorite artists, if a scandal about her ever broke out it'll break me inside bc as a latina, Im a big supporter of other latinas🤭

Im basically the same way, I used to be extra prepared charger cords and all, but nowadays all my friends and i need is like IDs, a wax pen or two, and our phones 🤭 but im def making sure my friends are safe bc i have the most wits about me when we're drunk. Yeah i was thinking about you ��� i had to reel in my thoughts before i got too turned on though so at least it wasnt too worrisome. You'd fit right in with us sweetheart<3 it would've been so nice to have you on my lap drinking with us and talking to us🥺

Such a sweet girl, speaking when told to<3 makes me feel better that you get it, and you wont think that i dont care! Ive had a few people think that before.

Youre so cute sweetheart<33 and with you saying it so confidently it makes my heart ache a little that i really cant just show up to your apartment and use your pretty little pussy</3 you deserve to be used after using your brain to study all day 🥺

I like seeing others happy too, if you were just a pretty girl i was walking by i'd give you a complement on how you wore your hair and one on your outfit just to see you smile, wouldn't ask for a number or nothing, just an innocent complement and hope it made your day better. I dont like one sided shit so it makes me happy to see you say that first 🥰 you really know how to make a butch feel special you know that? Youre too good at flattering leos, sweetheart. I think you holding my face in your hands would fix me actually<3

Wait thats too cute 🥺 if i got to be comfy enough i would definitely be more than willing to let you learn my schedule! I would love to ft with you whenever you wanted omg🤭 you are too sweet<333 i bet so many people would be jealous of the fact that such a pretty princess isnt calling them up out of the blue<3

I promise im not too hard on myself, last time i needed to check myself was well over a year ago. I know i deserve good things. And not to be on some hippie shit but if i didnt think i did, i wouldnt be willing to accept all the ways the universe has helped me. Im growing but i still still slip up like everyone else you know?

youre not distracting at all!! you are a welcome break hehe!! my brain hurts but i love talking to you! and youve been on my mind a lot too!!

yes i always have some meds and chapstick and chargers and eye drops and stuff haha. but when im drunk i get a lil carried away so take care of me okay? hehe

yes im such a good girl hehe!! i just wanna be relaxed and spend time with someone!!

stop i love when people compliment me!!! it makes me sooooo happy and i feel more confident that day. plus coming from a kindhearted soul like you? it would make my day

yay!! i love calling people! especially video calling bc i just feel like its more personal! plus i love seeing people hehe, makes my heart full!! and i should be the one who people should be jealous of! look at you!!

yes i completely understand! im glad you are at that mindset! i feel like thats a very mature way to look at things

[tears-of-boredom]

i wish I hadnt lied when my mom made me take my first "are you depressed" questionnare. i just didnt want to get taken away. i was a child. one that was talking to random adults online because it was desperate for attention. one whose budding social anxiety was the only thing that stopped it from being groomed. because it wanted to be older. and it noticed how in an online game, a lot of people messaged them if their name was "underage" or "single".

i havent told anyone irl about that shit yet. everything else ive told someone... I guess im embarrassed. because i feel like I stopped growing up ages ago. like im still that same person. just trying to fit in while desperately seeking attention.

i feel really bad right now and i dont know why. it cant be the meds this time. its just the depression surfacing again. the one that never goes away. its just always there. hides for a month sometimes and then shows up again.

i wish I wouldve broken my neck during the many times i cycled down a steep hill. or gotten driven over one of those times I was wishing for it, deliberately not looking out for cars.

its so annoying how my moods change so much, because everytime I get past one of my worse ones, i feel embarrassed for feeling that way. because "im not feeling like that now am i?". so I feel like I was faking it. like it wasnt genuine. how could i have been sad if im feeling okay now.

i wish I had someone in my life who i trusted to understand me. i wish i didnt have to avoid saying things because I know that everyone will take it as a joke. "if you cant find that lamp, I'll be alright. i see clearly enough without it". they would laugh. its not a joke but they would take it as one. "it would help if i would like my family members". I said that one. i thought that my serious face would be enough of a sign that its not meant to be funny. it wasnt. they laughed. i have no idea if they actually heard me.

i hate this world. no i hate my brain. i hate my life. this world is okay. im not.

[bulldagger-bait]

LONG ramble ahead. Feel free to skip. (Also this stuff is probably a bit too personal but i dont really care tumblr is my diary and i just have to get these thoughts out)

I had my first almost completely pain free day today and... It was fucking magical. Like, I still had pain in all of the niggling areas i always do: muscle tension, joint pain.

But my nerve pain. My nerve pain! For a good while it just wasnt there. And because the pain wasnt there, the FND couldnt kick up a fuss. I felt strong. I could stand. I wasnt hurting.

When i woke up after my surgery nearly a decade ago, i was in the worst pain of my life. I was writhing and screaming and begging to die. 10 out of 10 out of 10. And over the course of my hospital stay it diminished. Went from 10 to 9 to 8. And then 8 is where it stayed. It became my new normal.

I forced my way through the first year of recovery waiting for it to get better... But it never did.

I tried to push through and not let anything hold me back. I dont know how many times i sobbed to myself quietly about how unbearable it was. I tried to take my life twice, and the pain was a significant reason why.

Eventually i got on meds that knocked it down to a 7, and a 7 is where ive been for the last 5 years. Every day.

Eventually i just kinda resigned myself to it. I couldnt think about the future because whenever i did, all i could feel was: "every moment of the rest of my life is going to feel like this". I accepted it, and i tried to move on. I found someone that i loved enough to stick around for. Someone who made living with the pain worth it.

And now, with this new cocktail of drugs... That burning pain is gone. Or at least, its no longer an electric, burning, blistering, grinding pain. Its tempered to what feels like a candle flame. And for a few rare moments here or there it goes away.

I dont know what to do with that. All of my other pain pales in comparison. They're their own little burning pains, but it doesn't feel like it matters. i can live with them.

And im finally hopeful about my future. Because for a few minutes last week i felt nothing. Blissful nothing. I was so shocked i couldnt even believe it.

When the pain came back i didnt even care or feel cheated, because all ive wanted for so long was just a few seconds pain free, and i got it. I didnt have to be drugged out of my mind (well ... Excluding the cocktail of drugs i was on). I just was. And when it was gone i wasnt upset because i knew if it could happen once, it could happen again. and i had a reason to be excited for my future; my long term future.

Im not just sticking around for other people anymore. Im sticking around for myself too. Because i deserve another five minutes without pain.

(sidenote: do i feel insanely guilty about having a break from my pain; and that its not fair; and that other people deserve it more than me; and that i shouldnt talk about it because its just rubbing it in everyones faces; and that i must have just been exaggerating the pain; and i dont deserve to even call myself disabled anymore; and that im scum; and that i should instead continue to suffer in pain because its all i know, and i dont know how to be myself without pain because its become such an integral part of who i am; and because its who ive been for near as makes no difference a decade; and that im just waiting for the other shoe to drop and somehow prove that im a fraud; and that the pain i had was never real, nor is the pain i have that the meds havent affected; and that im lying about everything; and that I dont deserve help; and that everyone in my life who has pain and hears me talk about this hates me, resents me; and that im terrified of losing the pain because it knows me intimately, and i know it, and that this severing is making me question who i am; and that the answer im getting in my head is: no one; you are no one without this.... Yeah, maybe. Maybe i am thinking that)

[lil-goddess]

i don't take nearly as many photos as i used to thx to my body dysmorphia and self image issues. one day ill look at myself and think im a bad bitch, and then ill look at myself again and think, "wow im so ugly. im gonna kms"

i felt like the latter for almost 2 years now bc i was on abilify. i was literally a zombie, a husk of my former self. friends and family of mine were concerned and constantly told me i needed to change meds thru my psychiatrist, but i refused because i was afraid of going into my manic and psychotic episodes bc i hurt so many people that way in 2020 during the holidays. my own brother and my ex said they'd rather see my going off the rails than act be a meek, timid, quiet person, bc it wasnt me. the one thing i miss about that personality tho was that my thoughts were quiet. i didn't have the racing thoughts like before, which drove me into insanity and having outbursts to those around me.

well, i stopped taking abilify a while ago and my psychiatrist got me on effexor instead. after 2 months, i started getting manic and bc my dumbass forgot to take my doses and was taking 2 at a time (like I'd do with my birth control) and i got yelled at by my mom and my psychiatrist after informing them bc that's what caused my lack of sleep, night sweats, and manic episodes.

so she explained that im going to get off the effexor slowly so i don't get any severe side effects from stopping cold turkey and prescribed me to lamotragine (i call it lamos for short because they're fucking lame. i have to take it twice a day jfc)

and it's been about a month since ive been on them. i took them in the past, but i can't recall how well it worked thx to my depression suppressing my memories. not to mention i was smoking a fuck ton of weed. my psychiatrist mentioned that in order for my meds to work properly, i would need to stop smoking weed (thc specifically) and switch to cbd to help calm myself. i didn't start taking her advice until about a week before my next appointment with her.

so i guess it's been like a monthish since ive smoked my pen and flower. i can already see an improvement in how well i retain information and remembering things i knew from when i was a kid. im still an airhead, but i always was tho. i was definitely booksmart, i always loved to read and enjoyed English class when i was in school.

now that im 25 and i live in one of the most highly sex trafficked cities in the world. im more street smart now. i check under my car if anyone is waiting to slash my ankles, i check my backseat of my car, i look behind and around me if im walking by myself (day or night).

i live on the east side of my town and it's mainly known for the suburban life, but it's very close to the north and southeast side, where the crime rate is so high. gun shots are always heard, rape, murder, etc is constantly happening.

ive never felt safe in this city. especially as a kid, almost everyday when i would walk to my bus or walk home from my bus stop, there were fucking creeps (well within their late 20s sometimes even in their 40s) that would honk their horn at me and whistle.

well as an adult now, it doesn't happen nearly as much anymore since i mainly drive for my main source of transportation.

but it still hasn't stopped. i still get cat called while im doing my errands and i remember the night after i got home on my very first date with a GIRL (i knew her from 6th grade and she was probably the first girl ive ever had a crush on and i didn't see her after that bc she got expelled and i saw her again most recently after like 10+ yrs) there were 2 men in a white truck and they saw me get out of my car in my driveway. the driver made a complete stop and i saw them staring at me with my brother by my side. i clearly told them from across the street to "take a fucking picture, it'll last longer" and they drove off and i went inside. i felt so uncomfortable after that. i had the realization that those creeps know where i live and can break into my home and do what they want. i should've gotten their license plate but i didn't think to at that moment.

every year goes by with the hopes that it gets better, but it doesn't. it gets worse. and i think to myself, "wow that was the worst year of my life." and then the next year comes and im proven wrong. it gets even more worse.

im going back to school to get a license in cosmetology and it's literally high school all over again. ive gotten into arguments with multiple girls in my class room due to their pettiness, cattiness, racism, or homophobia.

all the girls in my class either hate me, ignore me, or keep their distance bc of my manic episodes.

so bc i dont really get along with them, ive managed to make new friends with the girls in the more advanced class. it's like me, a freshman, befriending the juniors/seniors. they're all due to graduate in about a month so i will be left by myself again. this is literally history repeating itself and im doomed unless if i break the cycle.

tl;dr

im a depressed bitch that's bipolar and have bpd. im going to school to have purpose in life in hopes that i will become successful and move out of my abusive childhood home. i don't feel safe in the city i live. i don't feel like i belong anywhere.

[tumortunes]

today i went on my first run

it was my first time running since my half marathon a year ago.

i had walked a bunch up until today. i think 3mi was my longest one. 5mi cumulative in 1 day. i've been trying to work on my endurance and strengthen my body bc every keeps saying that it's important.

and holy shit it was so hard.

i started out nice and slow like youre supposed to. my average pace for this 1 mile was 12:30ish. much slower than my typical pace of 10:00 but i mean i had brain cancer so i'll cut myself some slack. i felt really confident as i started out. i walked this path a ton of times before. i knew there was a lot of shade and just a slight incline. i was just gonna run the perimeter of the apartment complex which is a little more than 1mi. my goal was to fun 2mi today.

but that didn't happen.

i noticed around 0.8mi i was getting pretty gassed. i kept checking my watch to see if i was finally at 1mi. i was close enough so i did a classic mel and just pushed thru to get to 1mi. the second i hit it i sat my ass down on the side walk.

i felt horrible.

i was sweating like crazy and my stomach was cramping. it hurt so bad. i was feeling a little light headed. the more that i sat down the more i knew i was gonna shit my pants if i didnt make some moves towards the bathroom. i've felt like this before tho. i knew i'd be able to pull thru it. but pushing thru is what always gets me into these fucked up situations where i end up not listening to my body and going waaaaay past my limits in the worst way.

so i do my normal thing. i sit there in pain. sweating. gasping. kneeled over. light headed. deciding the best way to get to a bathroom. the clubhouse wasnt an option bc i didnt have my key card. just my keys to the apt. but the apt was far and would mean waiting for the incredibly unreliable elevator or climbing 3 flights of stairs.

but my double edged sword of pushing thru helped me this time and i clenched my butt cheeks and got to the apt and IMMEDIATELY ran to the bathroom.

it's difficult for me to come to terms with the physical limitations that i have now. im very used to being uncomfortable and tired. even before cancer. im a mind over matter person and i always trusted myself. i thought that if i could just get over the mental hurdle, that my body could do anything i wanted it to. sometimes it didnt work. but usually it did. but now that mentality is probs more toxic than helpful.

i think i've always been bad a recognizing the limits to my body. i never took the time to listen to my body when it was achy or in pain. i would just deal with it. nbd. but me not giving proper and deserving recognition is how i got so sick. it took me ages to even go to vaden to get checked out and get migraine meds. it really wasn't until mom and dad got involved when i started seeing more docs and the scan. i pushed thru finals. the carmel trip. the la trip. craniotomy 1. craniotomy 2. radiation. chemo. unrelenting ER visits.

i think im really tired. i know it's not great and def not sustainable behavior. but it's kinda all i know.

pushing thru has been my downfall and saving grace.

i think i saw those who didn't push thru as weak, a failure, complainers. not qualities that i wanted associated with my character.

my team told me soooo many times to call them immediately if i was having any sxs. even the smallest things. i was so reluctant to do so. getting sick and knowing that i would be hospitalized just added to it. when it started feeling weird i would just try to ignore it instead of facing the problem. which is the obviously better decision. getting treatment by the best onc team in the world. i wouldnt be able to mind over matter cancer. but i was arrogant and desperately ignored my own body even when it was screaming that something was wrong. it's lightweight embarrassing how much and how often i could will myself to believe that everything would be okay. willful ignorance at it's finest.

im gonna keep trying to run. im thinking i'll make more adjustments on how i do it tho so i dont shit myself or pass out. but i do want to increase my physical activity.

[satans-left-asscheeky]

Companions react to Sole getting randomly stabbed in the thigh by a toddler?

"Let me see what you have? A KNIFE! NOOO!"

Maccready

"It's kids like those that make me realize just how lucky I got with Duncan.... Sorry not trying to get all sappy while fixing you up, but just wow... some peoples kids make me realize how fu- frickin lucky i am ya know?"

Mac knows kids just copy their parents (Hell that's what made him clean his act up for his own little one) but Jesus he's glad he had the kid he did. He knows he won the lottery with Duncan.

Hancock

"Well that's one way to say hello.... Sorry brother/sister these goodneighbor children aren't all there if you catch my drift..."

He'd feel responsible in a way, sure it wasn't his kid, but it happened in his town, on his watch. He'd make sure to help sole clean and bandage the wound and then have a talk with his town about what is and isn't appropriate for their kids to be doing. Which sound something like...

"Look I never wanna tell people how to parent because what does a son of a bitch like me know about having kids, but when your little ones are goin around stabing people that's not cool!"

Ah the hypocrisy

Cait

"WHO GAVE THE LITTLE SNOT NOSED BASTARD A FUCKIN' KNIFE!?"

First she's looking for a doctor to patch sole up, but next she's looking for the parents to tell em what their little demon spawn did.

Danse

"What the hell! Soldier are you alright? I can't believe they stabbed you! It's worse than I thought even the children have been corrupt by the wastland..."

He'd continue his rant about how the commonwealth seeks to snuff out all innocent and how only the brotherhood can cure the sickness that is corruption of the vile evil wastland while patching sole up. Hopefully sole doesn't mind Danses rants....

Curie

"Oh my goodness! Is this how children act now! Do you have no respect for your elders? You! You're going to help me!"

She doesn't dare let the little hooligan touch sole but she does force them to hand her bandages out of her med kit, and boy is it in the kids best interest to listen because Curie doesn't get angry often but oh boy when she does.... it's scary.

Deacon

"Oh my god! You just got stabbed by a literal baby boss!!!"

he'd absolutely piss himself laughing. He'd like to help sole clean the wound, but he's to busy laughing his ass off. They're never living this down. Never.

Piper

"I'm guessing that happened a lot less pre-war huh? Can't say I haven't been stabbed by a child, hell Nat probably has wanted to several times... sorry let's get you patched up."

She'd tend to her friend carefully. She'd ask about what the craziest experience with a kid they'd had pre-war was and if it compared. She'd get sole laughing and before long the whole stabbed thigh thing was a lot less shitty of a situation

Nick

"Guess the delinquents just keep getting younger and younger.... here let me help ya out pal"

Hes very dissapointed...once soles been tended to he'd have half a mind to find that kids parents and have a nice long chat.

Preston

"If it's okay with you I'm gonna try and find the kid once where done here.... I know they stabed you and all, but I can only imagine what they've been through to make them react so violently just from someone else's presence."

And he would he'd find them and take them in... even get the kid into a school. First lesson was why stabbing is not okay, but hey apparently it's an important lesson

X6-88

"Are you alright Sir/Ma'am? This just confirms what I already suspected, the institute is the only hope left for humanity.... even the children..... Christ."

He'd teloport them both back to the institute for sole to be treated. He wasnt looking forward to filing the report saying children now were to be added to the surfaces many dangers....

[wogwoman]

MHA Class 1-A ProHero Headcannons

Because I wanna pretend Manga Chapter 362 isnt happening LOL. I was just texting these to a friend but thought I’d put them here too. So not too detailed or based on much, just for fun :)

Also I’m ignoring a lot of Manga stuff and spelling oofs. And ALSO also, two students dont get a happy ending :( just fyi.

____

Bakugou Katsuki: Bakugou wpuld be ranked #2 because theres no way he’s NOT gonna get to #2 if he can’t be #1

Eijiro Kirishima: He would be the #1 Hero

Izuku Midoryia: Deku would be at #3, and perfectly happy with it because he learns he doesnt need to be #1 to be the hero he’s always wanted to be

Shoto Todoroki: Todoroki, after spending a year in the Hero Industry, discovers his passion for police work and joins the police force. He realizes he’s never needed to be a Hero to help people, and he can follow his dreams his way

Ochaco Uraraka: Uraraka is the #9 Pro Hero(and 1 of 3 females in the top 10 rank)and takes part in a lot of sponsorships. Which at first made the public think she was shallow, and Uraraka thought for a while she was going to have to go on a super annoying talk show just to set the record straight. But then more and more photoage of her kindness and compassion in Rescue Hero Missions went viral and soon people didnt care that she was in so many ads because she was a good hero

Kyoko Jiro: Jiro is ranked #10, and is considered the most beautiful hero. Its un related to her work and rank, but the public has decided shes the most beautiful. Which actually makes Jiro really happy, because it gives her an outer confidence she didnt have in school.

Tsuyu Ausui: Froppy is not in the top 10 heros. However, on top of Hero Work she also stars in a childrens TV show :)) I just feel like she would LOL

Momo Yaoyorozu: Momo was on her way to becoming the 1# Hero, but only got to #5 before she left the profession. She went on to become a professional Financial Agent for Heroes trying to achieve personal goals.

Mina Ashido: Mina is the #5 hero

Tooru Hagakure: Hagakure is the #4 Hero, you could say she snuck up the ranks ;)

Tenya Iida: Iida is the #8 Hero. And while he of course works to be better and climb up the ranks, the world did eventually learn about the STAIN incident and he’s been having trouble with gaining public approval.

Mezo Shouji: Is the #7 Hero, and is considered a handsome hero. He’s super flattered because he was always considered creely looking. But now as an adult he’s considered mysterious and alurring

Denki Kaminari: Denki is the #6 Hero and is a huge role model for nerodivergents. It was a huge thing when he “came out” as having ADHD on live TV. It was when he was being interviewed after a mission and he kept looking all around. The reporter asked if he was looking for something, if there was a villain— but Denki just laughed and said “sorry i forgot my ADHD meds today!”.

Mashirao Ojiro: Ojiro became a teacher at UA for martial arts and self defense, and the students admire him for his soft and kind voice. All Might is loud(even in skinny form)and Aizawa can be harsh. Ojiro is the perfect balance :)

Fumikage Tokoyami: Tokoyami worked very hard as a Hero, but could never gain the public approval required even as an underground Hero. He and Dark Shadow went off the grid and now work as vigilantes.

Kouji Kouda: Koda works in more remote areas, a rescue Hero for natural disasters. He uses his quirk with the Local Wildlife that just can’t be found in the cities.

Hanta Sero: Works in very crowded and run down cities. Because he works in smaller yet packed places, he has a more personal relationship with the people he protects. Think spiderman

Rikido Sato: Because of his quirk, he wasnt liked very much. People thought he encorraged unhealthy diets, and that he looked big and scary. Rikido snapped after 3 years in the Hero industry, and is now a villain. He is known by other villians as loud and violent.

Yuuga Aoyama: An average Hero, but not a bad one. He often partners with Uraraka in advertisments and guest stars on Froppy’s kid show

Minoru Mineta: After watching a famous Hero become ‘cancelled’ for sexual assault, Mineta worked to change his veiw points. He’s making progress, but is staying out of the Spotlight just in case.

___

Ok I think that was everyone LOL. Again, these were just for fun! Not a lot of thought into them lol. Kay byyyye!

[serosbows]

Cloud Nine

word count: 2k+

——————— sero hanta x gn! Reader———————

Sero spontaneously decides to let the bakusquad know you guys are dating during a smoke sesh. His boldness seems to be contagious what could possibly go wrong?

WARNINGS: 18+, recreational drug use, cannabis use, drug paraphernalia, swearing, suggestive themes

I understand that not all individuals are comfortable with the idea of smoking/ cannabis use I will be putting out more fics for you guys to read!

Minors do not interact!

Also- goes without saying this fic in no way is me condoning illegal activities. y’all stay safe and be responsible

I’m really sorry for any grammar/spelling errors, I am dyslexic n words be hard

Thank you for your support! Again please read at your discretion. <3

——————————————————————————

Friday nights.

The nights you and the Bakusquad would spend in Seros room winding down from the strenuous week of training, the smell of cannabis thick in the hotboxed room.

You’re not sure how you’ve always ended up in this situation, knee to knee with Sero as you work on breaking up the batch of the sticky green plant that Kaminari swore “was the best shit” he bought. Yet, here you find yourself working in tandem with the raven-haired boy as you hum along to some song he has going on his phone.

“Can you hurry it up already?! I want to get this party started”, Kaminari whined as he watched your fingers impatiently. “This takes time and precision,” you retort back, “respect the craft for a second!”

Leaning back on his hands, Kaminari pouted and looked over at Kirishima who was fiddling with the many empty chip bags scattered around him and Mina. “Don’t look at me, dude! Just wait patiently! We all know Y/N rolls best”, Kirishima chirped.

As if the man got shot point-blank in the heart with a revolver, Sero clutched his chest with an exaggerated gasp, “how DARE YOU”, he seethed at Kirishima who bashfully shrugged. “You would pick Y/N’s rolling over mine?!” Sero yelled, shoving an accusatory finger towards you. Kirishima whistled in what was his attempt to be nonchalant, trying to avoid any further questioning from the now “big angy Sero”. (as you have come to call the puffed out cheeks and pouting lips he is now showing off).

Since this ritual started, you and Sero have found comfortable solace in each other. The calming, open nature of the tape boy had you falling head over heels for him faster than you could realize.

Luckily for you- he felt the same way.

The night he asked you out was forever engraved into your mind, the thought forming a smile on your face anytime you recalled the event.

The bakusquad had just packed it up, deciding to call it an early night, leaving you and Sero alone to continue the smoke sesh on Sero’s plush bed.

You remember that when he started arguing with you about how long you took to prepare the blunt for smoking, the sultry tone in Seros voice began to show. The sudden change had you realizing how thick the air around you two seemed to be.

“Bet I could do better in less time”, Sero said smugly, leaning into you. His movement had you adverting your eyes from your fingers and upwards, the movement leaving Sero’s nose only a few inches from yours. “W-What?”, you choke out, unsure if you heard him right.

His proximity had you inhaling his scent. Was it lemon? No. It couldn’t be, you deduced, it’s not as potent as a lemon, but it sure was some sort of citrus. Sero leaned back, pulling away from you. “I’m just saying. You take forever to roll sweets,” he said shrugging his shoulders.

You hurriedly collect yourself, attributing your absent-mindedness to Seros intoxicating scent. Shaking your head to come back to reality, you resume rolling the blunt. Sero almost worried about your silence, shifts worriedly.

When you looked up at him through your eyelashes, your fingers holding the almost rolled creation delicately, a sly smirk on your lips he was sure he was sent to heaven.

Sero was only brought out of his trance-like state when you groaned and laughed, “Okayyyyy~ sure. Whatever you say Hanta!” you said, adding an exaggerated eye roll for emphasis. “You know everyone prefers when I roll, you just get salty about it.”, you continued as you looked up at him once again, licking the paper of the blunt.

The way your tongue darted out to lick the paper in such precise little stokes had Sero losing his mind. Sure he thought you were attractive, but right now, the way you were looking up at him through you pretty lashes with your tongue out had him going nearly feral.

Trying to contain himself and his sudden change in body temperature, he retorted, “Hey! That's not true they just say that to be nice!” He proceeds to try and put on an angry face, puffing out his cheeks and pouting, scrunching his eyebrows for good measure.

“Awe~” you cooed looking at the literal baby in front of you. “Don’t get all worked up now big angy Sero! You know you LOVE when I roll.”, you said as you took the first hit of your creation.

The smoke filled your lungs with a pleasant heat, the high you originally had become more pronounced. Before you could blow out the stagnant smoke in your mouth, Sero grabbed your face with his hand, placing his lips on you with ferocity.

Your eyes widened. Was he trying to shotgun with you?? The smoke poured out of your mouth and into his, your body beginning to go slack as you finally fell into the smoke filled kiss.

You don’t know when you closed your eyes but they opened as Sero pulled away, blowing the smoke back in your face with a small chuckle.

You let out a few coughs and swatted away the smoke clouding your field of vision. When the cloud cleared, you were met with a red-faced Sero.

“I,,, Uh,,, I-I’m not sure why I did that….I’m so sorry.” Sero rambled on, trying anything he could in his power not to make eye contact with you.

You leaped at this cliche moment, pushing Sero back on his bed and straddling his waist. His hands instinctively landed on your hips. He looked up at you with wide eyes, unsure of what to do at this moment.

In a quick motion, you held the hand with the blunt in it behind you and leaned down to kiss Sero. The kiss left your body feeling weightless, your lips molding with his perfectly. His hands resting at your hips, giving them a light squeeze before his thumbs began to trace light circles on the skin over your shirt.

“‘Bout time you made a move Sero”, you said smirking down at him as you pulled away. “Hanta”, he corrected, “you’re mine now mi amor.”. Sero smiled and pushed himself up to place a light kiss on your forehead.

You let out a small chuckle, using your free hand to cup his face. “Then prove it…” you purred. The smirk on Seros face had you quivering with anticipation, a new wave of heat taking over your body.

Needless to say, the blunt was stamped out and you thanked every higher power in existence that no one found it odd that you were wearing Seros hoodie as the exchange in clothes between you two was common.

That night you came to the conclusion that it was tangerine and cinnamon, Sero smelled like tangerine and cinnamon. A scent that you would come to be addicted to.

If it wasn’t for the hoodie, the bakusquad would have for sure seen the many marks Sero had left on you so he could properly mark you as his.

When you came back from your flashback the rest of the group seemed to blur into the background as you focused on filling the blunt, eyes trained in on making everything even. In your peripheral vision, a certain raven-haired boy could be seen inching closer towards your face.

“Can I help you?” you said with a smirk, not looking up from your activities. “No, no, don’t mind me. Keep doing what you’re doing. You look so pretty when you’re rolling baby~”, Sero said in a low sing-song voice that only you could hear.

Your hand movements halted immediately and your eyes widened.

Sero hasn't called you anything like that in front of anyone??? You enjoyed hearing the pet name come from his mouth, yes, however, you two have yet to make your relationship public.

“Sero…”, you warned, “you cant be distracting me right now.” Sero seemed to pay no mind to your words, coming in closer and placing a hand on your thigh. “At this point, I don’t care, sweets, we’ve been dating for... what? 4 Months now?”

A hand grabbing your chin startled you. Sero moved your face so he could make direct eye contact with you, his thumb runs across your lower lip, “let them know.” The devilish smirk on Seros face made your stomach drop. “Come on, you know what to do”, He whispered. You nodded and took his thumb in your mouth. Sero nodded in appreciation and basked in the feeling of your tongue running around his finger.

He pulls his thumb out of your mouth when he hears Bakugou yelling. “I TOLD YOU SHITS I WASNT THE IMPOSTER”, you look over to see everyone look up from their phones, thankful that among us kept the bakusquad from seeing the previous encounter with you and Sero.

“That means its Kaminari or Sero then because I was in electrical.” Sero furrowed his eyebrows, “What, I was AFK- yall SAW me breaking up the weed” he yelled. Kaminari huffed, “You know its not me!! All of you SAW me do the med bay scan.”

You, having been killed off the first round watched as a smirk formed on Mina’s face, rolling your eyes at her obvious lies that Bakugou and Kirishima have seemed to buy due to the accusatory looks being thrown their way.

As the common ‘defeat’ sound rand out, you began to lick the paper of the blunt, your fingers working deliberately to make the best creation you can.

“Yeah!! Lick that shit baby. You look so good doing it. I know what else that mouth can do” Sero yelled, you flinched a little, unsure how the bakusquad would react but if Sero was being bold you might as well join.

A spitting sound was heard next to you as Bakugou whipped his head towards Sero. “BRO!!! DONT GET THE SHIT WET!” Kaminari yelled as he grabbed the open bag of weed that was nearly ruined by Bakugou’s spit.

“What the fuck did you just say?!” Bakugou yelled. “I think you heard me. I didn’t stutter. Plus I’m just praising my baby!”

“WOAH, WAIT! WHEN?!” Mina squealed.

“Sero got a date before me?!?!” Kaminari whined.

“You’re joking,” Kirishima said

You worked to silence the group, “First of all…” you started, “Sero.. you said that shit in front of my blunt bro...Disrespectful as FUCK. Second of all yes, we’re dating, we have been for 4 months.”

“5 on the 14th!” Sero continued as he placed a hand on your head, messing up your hair.

You laughed and shook him off, flattening out the hair Sero just ruined. “Yeah yeah…. Now give me a kisth” you said while looking over at Sero who happily obliged.

The kiss was quick but it left you weightless. Pulling away, Sero began to move you around. “What are you doing??” you said as you took another hit of the blunt. “You just sit here.” He said as he placed you between his legs, his arms coming to wrap around you, his chin resting on your head. “I want to hold my precious baby”

The softness in his voice would have the rest of the bakusquad thinking Sero was just trying to be cute and show affection. You would have thought the same thing if it wasn’t for the evident hard-on pressing into your back.

You smirked, an idea coming into your head. Passing the blunt to Bakugou, you placed both hands in your hoodie pocket. In one smooth movement, you gripped the left sleeve with your right hand and inched your left arm out of its cozy confinement.

Lightly dropping your arm to your side under the hoodie, you slipped your hand behind your back. Dropping your head back on Seros shoulder and turning your nose to graze it across his neck. “You keep quiet and maybe ill help you with your problem, yeah?” You whispered as you began to run your hand over the tent in his pants.

Seros breathing hitched, his grip on you tightening. He didn’t stop you however, the feeling of your fingertips grazing the skin above his pants and slowly dipping under his waistband had him intoxicated.

He just hoped he could follow your orders and keep quiet.

[arthurflecksgirl]

Hey love ! How are you ?? ♥️♥️ i love the scene you wrote after Arthur kills Murray. If you want to do another, here’s my request 😉

How about a reader who is in the apartment when Arthur kills Randall. After Gary is gone, she’s scared but he reassure her and promise to never hurt her. And she tells him that she loves him no matter what. Of course there is no obligation 😁 I’m addicted to your writing !! ♥️

Hi. First of all thank you for your request and for your nice words. This makes me soooooo happy to hear and it means A LOT to me!!!! It means SOOOOO MUCH!!!!! THANK YOU!!!!!

READER COMFORTS ARTHUR AFTER KILLING RANDALL

I had to change it a little bit, especially the reason why he kills Randall, because Arthurs situation would have been a whole different one if he had a girlfriend. Me personally I think he would have never killed someone while being loved and not alone anymore. The thought of him killing someone  while his loved one is wittnessing it, is even harder. BUT I still love the fact hat you asked for a request that shows that the reader / his girlfriend  is there for him no matter what. Even after a murder happened. And going off 7 meds at once can do a lot to a person. So I hope  the changes are okay with you and you still like the result.

"You`re so beautiful, Arthur. I could stare at your face forever". The hint of a smile was crossing his face while he took the brush to whiten his chin while a cigarette was burning in his left hand. He looked like a piece of art  doing his own make up. His reflection in the mirror stared back at him. The white paint gave his well structures face an even more intense look to it. Haunting. Tragic could be seen behind his eyes. The kinda tragedy that the greatest of all storms couldnt possibly wash away. It was there raging inside of him. Even in his calmest moments. Especially in his most quiet ones, there was this orchestra of chaos burning in his core. Still all he wanted was a moment of peace. Of silence. Love. You took the brush and helped him paint the rest of his face white. Arthur closed his eyes.  His dark eyelashed protecting them like a curtain. He wanted to feel it with all his senses. How your hand was leading the brush.  It was almost  like being touched by your  fingertips. Just as thoughtful and loving. He could  just tell that it was your hand leading it. No other hand would have been so good to him. "Whats wrong , darling?" you asked him, feeling that there was a heavy weight resting on his tiney shoulders. Arthur shrugged "Thinking about Randall and how all of this mess started with him giving me that fucking gun" he replied. His face twitched in an uncomfortable way. "I still think he gave me that gun, hoping I`d kill myself with it. Or...I dont know... maybe he just hoped for what happened in the end. The way I fucked up. The bad shit I did. " Arthur looked at you . His green eyes pierced you in a way that made it impossible for you to not feel your knees weaken. It hurt so much to hear that some people out there really wanted to see Arthur on the ground. Wanted to see him hurt. Suffering. Dead even. Your hand gently touched his cheek and got stained with white "Arthur, we both know that what you did on the subway was self defence.  It was three of them and they could have beaten you to death." He nodded. A stain of hair fell to his forehead as he took a deep drag of his cig "Yeah....you`re right...I guess it was. I hope it was. Sometimes I`m not sure I remember it right. Some nights I remember it this way, sometimes another. But in every single version of it, they were about to kill me first." You wiped the curl out of his face. His freshly dyed hair was soft to the touch. "And in every possible version you came home to me and I told you it was a good thing to save your own life" He once again nodded without looking very convinced. "I`m so glad they didnt  caught you. They still dont know who ended their lifes. There were so many guys in clown make up running around these days." Arthur smoked teh rest of his cig "I have a bad feeling about this. Its a gut feeling....like the cops will be here any minute. Ringing my door... and ...take me away from you...." You couldn have sworn to see a tear hiding behind the galaxy of his eyes. The thought of being taken away from you was Arthurs worst nightmare. Being locked away in Arkham state hospital wasnt so bad for him in the past. But now...now that he had you it was horrible to think of nights spent all by himself. With just a photo of you under his white , bleach smelling pillow. No loving arms around him, helping him sleep. Keeping him save from nightmares. Just staring at ceilings and more blacked out diary pages. He didnt cared so much about himself anyway. It was the both of you together he cared about most. And he wanted to protect you from anything that could do you any harm. Ever. Arthur was your protector. And if anyone would try to seperate the two of you from one another, he would not think twice about it to end this person. The doorbell. Arthurs muscles twitched. His shoulderbone was becoming more and more visible as he opened the drawer to get the scissor "I knew it" he whispered "Its the cops." Within seconds your whole world fell apart. What if they knew? What if they will take Arthur with them  now? You coudlnt even imagin a day or a night without him anymore. Arthur was your home. They couldnt just come in and take your home away from you. "Oh my god....Arthur" you whimpered "Please dont open the door..." He stood up "Dont worry, baby. I will take care of it." The scissors disappeared in his pockets. This was bad. Your whole boday started to hurt. Your mind was raging. This was a nigtmare. Is this how Arthur felt sometimes when he wasnt sure of reality anymore? Was this a taste of how he lived most of his life? Uncertain of what is happening . Arthur checked the door "Its okay. Its jus Gary and Randall". The weight of the world was falling off your shoulders. Thank god it was only his workmates. "Hey guys, come on in" Arthur opened the door while Randall was talking about what was going on outside. Arthur claimed that he didnt knew anything about that. Gary handed you a bottle of champain "I brought a little present" he smiled "I`m so gald that that Athur isnt alone anymore. He really needs someone on his side, you know? Its not good for him to be alone with his....thoughts I think. " You took the present and thanked him. Gary was the only one of his workmates that you wittnessed to be actually nice to him.  You looked over to Arthur and Randall. Arthur seemed annoyed by him. Or hurt. Probably both. "You`re too sweet Gary. And yes. I try my best to be there for him. In any situation, you know? He has been left alone since he came into this world. " Gary nodded sadly. He really felt for Arthur. "I stopped taking my medication" The tone in Arthurs voice sounded strange. You didnt knew about him not taking his medication anymore. Why wouldnt he tell you about something important like that? Was it something he wasnt telling you to make sure that you wouldnt start to worry about his condition? The way he told Randall about it, sounded more than concerning in your ears. "I feel a lot better now" he added. You knew that Arthur was always convinced that the doctor should increase his medication. But you would have never thought that he wanted to stop taking them. Maybe it wasnt even his desicion. Maybe something else happened. Was it possible that he didnt got his receipes anymore? "Good for you" Randall replied. Not a spark of honesty in his sarcastic voice. Arthur was standing in the doorway. His body language changed since he was talking to Randall. Randall was the representation of all the bullies that ever tortured him. Arthur looked even smaller than usual, now that Randall was standing in front of him.  You could tell that Athur was thinking about the gun. And why Randall handed it to him. Loaded. He could have killed himself with it. Arthur took his cigarette and drew a smiley on the wall, laughing. It wasnt his usual laugh. It was different. A laugh you had never heard before. Going of his meds must have changed something inside of him. "Arthur?" you walked up to the love of your life and tried to talk to him. But he seemed to be focused on Randalls hand, which slowly reached down his pocket while he talked about the cops showing up. "I just want to make sure that our stories line up, because you`re my boy and...." You`re my boy. Arthur had heard this sentence before. Right after he gave him the gun. "Artie?" you tried to get through to him but his eyes were still lingering on Randalls big hand. Convinced that Randall was about to pull a gun. He finally tured his head into your direction "Now close your eyes, baby." Arthur whispered softly before he rapidly grabbed the scissors and with one fast movement he sticked  them into Randalls neck. A flood of blood appeared. Arthur pulled the scissor out just to stick them into Randalls eye. A scream. Gary started crying. And you. You just stood there. Paralyzed. All of this seemed unreal. Like a nightmare you barely remembered after waking up but you still felt it in your subconsiousness. Waiting to be analyzed. Arthur grabbed Randalls heavy body and slammed his head against the wall. Another time. And another. Ten times. Until his scull cracked. Blood was dripping from the walls and from Arthurs angelic face. You wanted to scream his name, just like Gary did. But you couldnt.   "Arthur why would you do that?" Gary cried in the corner of the room, shocked by his actions. "I think h-he thought R-Randall was about to pull a gun....it triggered him w-when Randall called him his boy." you stuttered. Gary covered his face with his hands. He couldnt belive what your boyfriend just did eighter. Arthur was sitting on the floor next to Randalls body, breathing heavily , his eyes unfocused, with a feverish look to his face. Was he aware of what he just did? Was he aware that you were still in this room with him? Or was he elsewhere? Far away from you? Oh god, how much you wished he was still in there. Gary wanted to leave but was too afraid to pass Arthur. "Its okay Gary, you can go" Arthur smiled. Hearing his voice again felt good. He was at least able to talk. "I`m not gonna hurt you". Gary took a small step towards him. Arthur scared him for fun. His sense of humor could be kinda dark. Still. But only seconds later he helped Gary with the door  when he couldnt make it to the lock. Before Gary left the apartment, Arhur kissed his forehead saying "You and Y/N were the only ones who were ever nice to me." Gary ran as fast as he could. Arthur closed the door, checking his chest. realizing there was blood all over his body. He kneed down to land on the floor again. Trying to catch his breath. It seemed like he was having a panic attack. Arthur started to quietly sing to himself. Thats when you realized that he needed help. He needed you now. More than ever. You carefully walked towards him. "Arthur?" He barely turned his head, humming. Your gently took his face between your hands. Randalls blood staining your fingertips. "Arthur, darling. Are you here with me?" He nodded "Always". "You loooked into his eyes but his gaze was still unfocused. His mind all over the place. "Breathe, Arthur. I am here with you. Try to breathe with me." The mixture of grease paint and blood felt strange between your fingers. But somehwere underneath there was that face you loved the most. Arthur stopped humming "Dont.....dont be afraid of me, please. I feel you being afraid. Please dont. You know that I could never hurt you." Arthur leaned in to place a gentle kiss on the corner of your lips. And even though you knew that his face was stained with another persons blood you let it happen. Tasted it. You knew that you could trust him with your life. "I`m not....not afraid of you, Arthur. I´m just afraid of what is happening inside of you. What it does to you." "My sweet angel" he said, stroking your cheek with his red fingertips "Always worried about your man" he chuckled, closing his eyes. "I had to" he added "he was about to pull a gun!" You havent seen a gun on Randall but you would never tell him. He thought he just saved your life. this was the only way to cope with what he just did. "I know Artie, I know." you took him into your arms  to cradle him like a little boy. "It will be okay. Everything will be fine as long as we are together." A silent tear ran down Arthurs smeared cheek "You still love me? I told you to look away. But you didnt. You just didnt." He whimpered. "I never wanted you to see this. Can you still love me ?" Your hands shaked as you took his bloody hand in yours "I loved you before we even met and I will love you for as long as my soul exists" you whispered into the still of the room. "I love you too" his voice cracked. "Now stand up. We´re gonna wash the blood away, Okay? You really need to get this off you now". Arthur nodded as you lead him into the bathroom for him to take off the rest of his cothes and get into the bathtub. His blue pants and underwear was now lying on the floor. You turned on the water and waited for it to fill, as you thoughtfully grabbed a sponge to wash his face. Arthur closed his eyes and listened to the music inside of his head. It became calmer now that you touched him. It was hard not to shake while watching the water turn pink. But it felt good to get it off his face. With every cleaned part you were able to breathe again. To recognize him. "Thank you" Arthur mumbled "I dont deserve you". After his face was clean you couldnt stop staring at it. there he was again. Yor sweet,angelic Arthur. The man with the most gentle hands. The softest heart. He was right there with you and you were here to wash his sins away. You now focused on his chest, noticing that his heart was beating fast as you  let your hand slide over the skin above it. HIs fragile heart which had experienced so much torture and pain. To much pain to handle. Later you had to figure out what to do with Randalls body. But for now you just had one purpose. To take care of the man you loved the most. You continued by washing his hair. Washing the sweat away. Curl by curl.  Your hands turned green and Arthur looked more vulnerable than ever. "Why didnt you tell me that yo stopped taking your meds?" you asked him, afraid of his answer. "They cut the funding. I was afraid to tell you.... I´m sorry. I should have. " "Oh Arhur. we have to do something about this. You know that right?" "Yeah" he breathed, staring at his now clean hands. Knowing that you will figure this out together. All of this. "We gotta hurry a bit, Arthur. They will be here soon and try to get you back at Arkham. But dont worry about that okay? We´ll be running away. Somewhere far from Gotham. We`ll find a nice place to stay. Just the two of us. Together."

"I know we will find a way. We always do, right?" he whispered .And when his intense eyes met yours with such certainty  you leaned in to kiss him on the lips, telling him that everything is going to be okay, while you pulled the plug to rinse away the last traces of red.

[vvaane]

Evon

Hi, i’m Evon. Yea that’s the best way to start writing about a god damn serial killer, a proxy or whatever you guys call us. It’s late at night and you might be wondering why someone like me would write a book, dont i have people to kill? Cops to run from? Watch my back maybe? Nah man i used to do that before... that happened. Do you ever contemplate about your life? You know things like: what if i didn’t do that? what if i stayed silent? what if what i said once changed the whole story? Yea i know, a lot of what ifs. What can i say, i like to think. I may be a monster who kills like killing machine but i still have 'me' time.

I think i’m just rambeling now but yea another thing about me is that i like to talk, maybe too much sometimes. I wasn’t always like this though, as a child i was very quite and kinda depressed. Childhood isn’t my best memory to be honest, all i remember is wasting it on suffering and building up rage, until of course, i snaped.

Usually if someone asks me about that time of my life, i kill them without hesitation but in this case no one asked me so here we fucking go. Appriciate this because i’m not gonna talk about my shity life ever again. I was born on a beautiful day of summer, 4th of july 2000. I don’t have memories of my family, the only thing i know is that my mom commited suicide because of postbirth depression and dear old dad didn’t even bother to raise me or to even be in my life, good i killed him. Anyways, i spend my childhood at a church, raised in the name of this so called god, yea that place as holy as it sounds like, it wasn’t. Everyone feared the priest. What can i say, he was the best, always beating and torturing us many times even if we didn’t do anything wrong, my best and only friend was killed by this motherfucker. I myself got in trouble many times just because i 'wasn’t a man'. I don’t know how are you supposed to be a man at 13 years old but sure. You got 3 chances to 'go on gods way' if u didn’t make it you were send to a room that looked like an old basement of a castle. The room was dark and the only light you were seeing was from a little window, the door was big and scary honestly, when you first come into the room you would see a big statue of that bitch Mary. There the priest would give you 3 options: beat you, tie you in chains and not feed you for a week or put you in isolation for up to half a year. That guy was crazy and i’m pretty sure he hated children. Every kid would choose to be beaten because it lasted a short period of time compared to the other options. I was a maniac since i was little so i tried everything, being beaten till i was unconscious which isn’t that bad compared to the other things, i was beaten with everything you can imagine, chains, belts etc. I still have scars all over my body from that. Many kids weren’t strong enough and died. Their bodys were thrown in a room and from there they would be put then in the crematorium like they were nothing. Next i was tied and not fed, let me tell you, you get so hungry at one point you would even eat youself and i have seen one kid bite into his own arm somehow. Now the last and worst, isolation.I’ve been in isolation for maximum 2 months, i was put in a diferent room, this one had no windows so no light would come in, i felt like i was in a box, i had no bed, no nothing, i would eat once every 2 days half a bread. Many kids who went there didn’t come back. My friend was always send there even if he didn’t choose that. Dear Mike died when he was 15, i was 14 at the time.

Anyway, believe it or not that prepared me for what was next to happen. How do u think i survived the proxy training? That shit is hard but i will get there in a minute. After my friends death i felt like i wasn’t myself, i felt like some other me was taking control over my mind and body. When the priest found out about this change in my behavior he said i was possesd my some kind of demon and he performed this so called exorcisms on me that consisted in bathing me in holy water, tyeing me to the bed and saying many prayers. Useless. It wasn’t any of that. I actually had a second personality, a manifestation of my darkest and deepest thoughts and ideas. It was really hard for me to get used to this other me, over the time i even gave him a name: Devon. He became my best friend, he was the the only one who understood me. I faked being a normal kid so that the priest won’t try to take Devon away from me. I didn’t take any meds so day by day he was stonger and stronger, over the years we did many things, we destroyed a lot, first it started slow with plates and glasses but then i started to kill some animals around the church and the fact that i enjoyed it scared me at first. After i started doing this things i always felt watched, usually i was dizzy and sometimes i started to hear whispers even if i was alone in a room.

Years went by fast if i think about it, like if they were nothing, winters were the hardest because it was always cold and with all the tortureing sure it wasn’t the best thing. I was 18 when that event happned, i still remember every detail. It was summer, the weather was really hot, i was in my room when Devon took control out of nowhere, he wanted me to escape, to be free, to take revenge for every single thing they've done to me. He was right, i had to do something to get out and i wasn’t only gonna do that, i had to kill the priest and burn this place down. That church was what you guys call hell. If it’s hell then it has to burn. All day i wondered through every room in search of gasoline and matches, eventually at exactly 7:45pm i found what i needed, i stared at the objects like they were my saviours. Devon took control again and everything started, i poured the gasoline on every hallway of the church until the priest saw me, he wanted to hit me but i managed to fight him for a while, he was stronger than me so i ran away with the gasoline, i took a hatchet just to know i have something to defend myself with. I lit the match and threw it, i enjoyed the view of this place burning, i felt like i was able to dream again, i felt free and i didnt care who was still in there, the only thing that mattered was the fact that i got revenge and that im finally free. The view was ruined by the priest who was running in the woods. Of course i chased him with the hatchet until i lost him for a minute but then i heard a scream so i went in that direction. the adrenaline was overwheliming, i felt so powerful like i could do anything. After running for like a good 10 minutes i saw the priest dead with his killer getting off of him. The anger i felt in that moment is unimaginable, he stole my victim, the only person i wanted to kill with my hands, he took that away from me. I started running towards him with my hatchet. He stayed still like he didnt care, as i got closer to him i saw that he had the same weapon as me. I stopped and he smiled at me:

-You remind me of myself when i was little.

-I don’t fucking care what i remind you of, you just killed my victim!

-I’m Toby, Ticci Toby, nice to meet you...

- Evon, i said hesitantlly. Why are u doing this?Being nice.

-Thats a rule i have to follow, don’t kill or be rude to other killers.

Thats what changed everything, right after that i saw this faceless man behind Toby, he wasnt scared at all. This creature began speaking to me somehow.

-Child, i can give you a new home and i can let you be who you are, you don’t have to be afraid!

I didn’t have a place to go to so i accepted, i didnt know the training was gonna be so hard and long though. First i had to fight every proxy and that Masky guy left a scar on my face that went over my eye and my eye changed colour, from brown it went bloody red. Then i had to learn how to kill, how to survive, how to run from cops, it was hard for me but Toby helped me a lot. We got close and he took me with him every time Slends would give him a job. He was the youngest before i came in the picture. He told me his story, i told him mine. I had a friend after a long god damn time.

Now i’m 21 and i’m one of the best proxys Slender ever had. Toby is still the best of the best and to be honest he deserves the title. That’s my story. Now that you know it you should be prepared because i might come for u next.

[happys-crazy-queen22]

Title: Final Beat Down

Gif credit @jayhasltud

Requested on wattpad

Hope you all enjoy it

WARNING: ABUSE, ASSAULT, ATTEMPTED RAPE. THREATENING WITH A GUN. TRIGGER WARNING. CAUTION WHEN READING.

He did it again. This time it was one of the worst. Your eye was swollen shut, your ribs were broken. The wheezing told you that. A lung was punctured, probably. He couldn't control himself. You had to get out, just had too. So you went to the only place that you felt safe.

"Y/N, come in". Hank didnt even have to ask why you were there, he just let you in.

"Take off those wet clothes, I'll get you some dry ones". Hank hurried along to his room. You stood in the hall, shivering as you took the wet clothes off. Your body ached with every movement that you made. Biting your lip to stop you from sobbing.

Hank returned with a towel and some clothes. He held up the towel as you got dressed.

"I'll put on some coffee". He sighed as he saw the bruises on your arms and legs. You followed him to the kitchen.

"What was it this time"?

"The same". You whispered as you sat down at the table.

"You need to leave him. You dont deserve what this son of a bitch is doing to you". Hank slammed the kettle down on the stove. He heard you whimper. "Sorry".

"I know. I just can't. I dont know how".

"I'll talk with some people and get you into a womans shelter".

"He'll find me. Then he'll  do worse. I may not survive it then".

Hank shook his head as he grabbed two coffee cups and sat them on the table, he pour the coffee into cup. You wrapped your hands around the mug and took in the heat.

"You need to see a doctor".

"No I'm good".

"It wasn't a question. You need to get checked out. I'll call Will". Hank went to the house phone and got on it. You didnt want to drag anyone else into the mix but you were in serious pain. So much pain that you were struggling not to pass out.

Will arrived in a matter of minutes along with Jay. Hank let Will use his bedroom to check you over. It was a painful process. Every touch sent shock waves of pain through your body. Will bandaged you up and gave you some pain meds to help you sleep. Before he even left you were out.

"How is she"? Hank met Will at the bottom of the stairs.

"Well. A few broken ribs, a punctured lung. Busted lip, a fractured eye socket, luckily he didnt damage her eye. She has bruises up and down her legs and arms. Hand prints around her wrist and throat. Mark's on her back that look like it came from a belt. Right now she's lucky it wasn't worse than this. She needs to get out".

"I've told her that many of times".

"This happened more than once"? Will asked shocked.

"Third time this week".

"Hank, get her out or you'll be trying to solve her murder".

"I know who did it but she wouldn't press charges on him. I've tried to get her to".

"Then you have a girl that doesnt want help". Will frowned as he walked past Hank and out the door.

"If you need anything just call". Jay told Hank.

"Yeah. Thanks". Hank shut the door and blew out a breath he was holding. He went to the couch and sat there thinking.. Soon he drifted off to sleep.

The morning came, Hank was up and ready for work. He didnt want to disturb you so he let you sleep in but when he went up to check on you before he went off to work you weren't there. You hand went out the window, he didnt know why. Figure you were scared to face him or to ashamed but he knew where you were and that you'd be seeing him again.

During Hanks shift he tried not to think about you or your situation but you were on his mind. He called you three, four times. You never answered so after work he was going to stop by your place unannounced. Maybe that boyfriend of yours would be there, but he wouldn't do anything in front of Hank. He was to big of a coward to hurt you with Hank around.

"Hey Jay, I'm going to head out early. I have to stop somewhere". Hank told Jay while he put on his jacket. It was still raining out.

"Okay. You need back-up"? Jay already knew where he was headed. Hank might be a mystery to all but when he really cares about someone his guard is down.

"Nah, I think I'll be fine. Just stay by a phone just in case". Hank chuckled as he walked out the back, heading to his car. He left at the right moment.

"You stupid fucking bitch". Your boyfriend threw you into the wall with such force your shoulder dislocated.

"I'm sorry". You whimpered as you moved your arm, cowering in the corner of the kitchen.

"Then you shouldn't make me mad. I do so much for you and you give no thanks. That's what makes me mad". He jerked you up by your shoulders which hurt like a bitch.

"You're going to give me what I want or else". He threatened with a growl.

"You lay another damn finger on her, your brains will splatter this kitchen. Now put her down easy and step away". Hank had his gun pointed at the back of your abusive boyfriends head. Your boyfriend was nervous, the sweat beads rolling down his forehead. He let you down easy and stepped away from you.

Hank bent down to help you up, you hissed as your arm moved. "You okay"?

"Yeah, I'm fine. Just go".

"You're coming with me. Even if you dont press charges. You're leaving".

"She isnt going anywhere. That bitch owes me".

"You open you fucking mouth one more time, I'll put a bullet in it". Hank gripped the trigger on his gun. Just waiting for him to be stupid.

"I'll go with you Hank".

Hank smiled and wrapped his arm around you, leading you out. Then something stupid happened.

"She ain't going to open her legs for you either old man. You can save her all you want". Your ex boyfriend laughed, sticking up his middle finger.

Hank didnt think he quickly turned around and broke his middle finger. Of course he screamed out like a drama queen.

"I told you what would happen if you opened your mouth again, now didnt I"? Hank took the butt of the gun and smashed into your ex's mouth. He screamed in agony. Spitting out a few teeth.

"Thats for opening your mouth". Hank put his gun in his holster. Balled up his fist and punched him square in the nose. Then just released hell on him. Kicking and punching.  Stomping on his ribs and his broken finger. You were actually enjoying the sight. You didn't know it would have been this great of a feeling to see someone else have complete control over him, like he did once on you.

"Hank". You quietly spoke getting his attention also you didnt want him to kill him.

"One second". Hank told you. He reached behind him getting his cuffs. "Your under arrest for assault on a police officer". Hank jerk him over to his stomach and put the handcuffs on tightly.

"I didn't do shit". Your ex cried out.

Hank pulled him up by his ear, your ex was covered in blood. Hanks hands were covered.

"Call the station and ask for Jay". Hank asked of you. You nodded and went to your phone. Seeing that Hank called and texted you moments before he arrived. You called the station and Jay didn't ask any questions. He was on his way.

"You okay"? You came over to Hank as Jay loaded up your ex, hitting his head on the door as he was thrown in the back seat.

"Yeah. Let's got to my place and get cleaned up. Your house is a crime scene right now". Hank chuckled as he laid his on your back.

"Thank you for saving me, Hank. I know now I should have left long ago. I was just scared". You tell him as he cleaned your wounds with peroxide.

"Y/N, I know you were scared but you have me. I wouldn't hurt you.  I would have done my best to protect you. You deserve much better than him".

"Someone like you".

"Yeah, someone like me".

"It wasnt a question, Hank. You. You have been there for me when I needed help and when I couldn't think straight. I trust you more than anyone. You take better care of me than I do".

"You deserve to be cared for. Y/N, you're an amazing woman and you dont give yourself credit for that".

You smiled wide as you leaned into Hank. The smell of him made you go mad. "I like you Mr. Voight". You licked your lips as you looked down at his.

"I like you too". Hank let out a slow breath and then attached his lips to yours. Tge kiss was deep and soft. From the looks and personality of Hank you thought he'd be rough but no. He was so gently. Looks can be deceiving.

"Will you, you know"? You blushed as he looked into your eyes, waiting for you to say the words.

"Will I"?

"Will you be my first and show me what love really is"? You whispered softly.

"I will never hurt you". Hank picked you up carefully, you wrapped your arms around his waist as he carried you to his room.

Hank laid you gently on the bed, laying beside you, kissing your lips. He wanted to make sure you were comfortable and sure that this is what you wanted. He never wanted to make you feel unsafe with him.

As the night progressed, Hank showed you what it was like to be loved by someone that actually cared about you. Not just using you.  To love and cherish you. To make you feel wanted and the desire that Hank has for you. Something that you've never felt until you are with Hank.

[punk-rock-uncle]

A final good bye and final log out

This is not a suicide not so no need to worry. Many of you that follow me probably barely remember my blog, it wasnt very big or fancy. I barely know how to code or make my blog look like anything but, that is neither here nor now. I wanted to say good bye I have a bad habit of leaving without saying anything and disappearing for weeks at a time. I guess abusive relationships will teach you that. I went silent on this blog around 3 years ago when I started college. But I wanted to talk about why I started this, the ending will be saved most obviously till the end. I started this blog in a way to find friends, in 2012 internet friends were all the rage and I wanted to be a part of that so I started a tumblr. But was not active on it till 2014. In high school I grew a bit of a following around sophomore year 2015. I would constantly rant on this account and people would watch but not say much. It bothered me a bit that I was never “Tumblr Famous” but I knew people who were, so I would live on through them. Tumblr a lot in high school, I was too afraid to do anything but I knew in the back of my mind that I would get there in my own time. Tumblr, in that sense was kind to me and never made me feel like I had to be pressured to do anything and would constantly educate me from maters of social justice and the Black Lives Matter movement, sex education, gender expression, sexuality, art and astrology. I saw all the drama and surprisingly enough stayed away from the super toxic side of tumblr pushing minors to do more and more and more.  It was safety net and whenever my parents would do what they do best I always had the arms of my blog to run and cry to. It made the darkest days a little brighter, people reblogging free movie sites and calming gifs were my saving grace when I was 14 and suicidal. As high school went on I found myself in a relationship and put all my time, money, effort, energy, my whole being into this one person who would end raping me an using my past against me. I was still active and would talk about him on here including our fights. But as the fights got more violent and heated, the less I would post about him and one day all together I stopped posting on here, for what I thought was for good. I wanted to reach out on tumblr and ask “is any of this normal?” “why do we fight so much?” “is it normal for your partner to make you feel this afraid?” “is it normal for them to talk about sex 24/7″ “is it normal to feel afraid and cry during sex?” I wanted to reach out so badly. I knew I couldn’t and it was a stupid reason why I couldn’t. I was afraid of the judgment, because no one here talks about the small intricacies of domestic violence and how it breaks down every part of you. So I went quiet, I stopped talking about him, stopped posting him and he never care. I was put on meds after he raped me, stopped sleeping and eating. After the meds failed to stop the development of PTSD I started smoking and drinking heavily. After all of that I stopped being on tumblr because things were not the same and stuff that made me happy before just stopped bringing me joy. I thought no one here would care about what I have to say and his words and actions confirmed that even more. Eventually I broke it off 8 months later and my friends never believed me that he was abusing me. Life is better now, I lived abroad, I have an apartment with a new boyfriend, hes nice we have our ups and downs but we came from a hard life so someone loving you is a hard thought to accept for both of us. We both have toxic cycles we need to break but he’s good and he’s teaching me to be kind. I would love to continue on this hellsite but I have other things now, bigger and better things. I am just simply a ghost now of a website where I used to poor out all of my traumas and for one last time I will do that. For any 16 year old who stumbles across this post please read through till the end (if you can) because I want to tell you things I wish someone told me at 16/ entered my first relationship.

Your bf, gf and/or partner should never do/say these things and other small warning signs of DV 

1. if sex hurts a lot for you it is because you are not comfortable, communicate this and if they refuse to understand why leave 

2. If your partner scares you so much to the point where you have a panic attack thinking about them, then leave 

3. you will fall out of love in your first relationship, as shitty as it is, it’ll happen. It’s okay, you can leave. Just like you out grow clothes you will outgrow people. 

4. let people leave, I know this is hard to accept but people will leave and the universe will have something in store for you 

5. YOU DO NOT NEED TO BE HAVING SEX AT 16 IF YOU DO NOT WANT TO I LOST MY VIRGINITY AT 19 IT IS NORMAL!

6. it is normal for you and your partner to have conversations about what to say when people constantly ask you if yall have done the deed it is not normal for your partner to tell you to lie and say you have (when you havent); leave if they do this trust me 

7.If your partner is asking about sex 24/7 and its making you uncomfortable then say something, maybe they don’t mean any harm by it! but if once you’re done with the convo and it didn’t make you feel better you should leave 

8. its okay to leave 1st relationships aren’t meant to last 

9.something my mom said that made me feel better: just because you’re breaking up now doesn’t mean you’re breaking up forever 

10. please don’t force yourself to have sex it’s a very toxic cycle. Easy to get into but hard to break out of 

11. you can be alone, you don’t have to date all the time

12. if your partner's parent is bullying you tell your partner that it makes you uncomfortable talk to them about it. Now I understand parents are hard especially when your 16 and younger (hell parents @ 21 are still tough to deal with) and if your partner says “well I can’t tell them off because of xyz” then make a compromise on how to deal with the situation. If your 1st partner’s parents don’t like you it’s not the end of the world and if bugs you that much YOU CAN ALWAYS LEAVE 

13. on the other hand if you tell your partner, they don’t take it seriously and they still beg you to visit their family then leave, you’re not married you’re young I will probably say this a thousand more times BUT YOU CAN ALWAYS LEAVE 

14. YOU CAN ALWAYS LEAVE, YES IT WILL SUCK, YES YOU’LL CRY AT EVERYTHING BUT IT IS OKAY NOTHING IS PERMANENT AND THAT IS A GOOD THING 

15. do not waste your first relationship on couples counseling ( yes I did that and he still owes me $250 for the session I was dumb & 17 don’t get mad @ me) 

16. if your relationship makes you extremely angry leave, that anger means something, listen to it. 

17. if you are like me and was raised in a very abusive household with parents that constantly abuse you just know that not every relationship is like that and you won’t be like them but, you have to actively work on it not just say it out loud (BUT it does help saying it out loud, v comforting) 

18. if you break up, stay broken up (sometimes it works out for the better if they really want you they’ll try) 

19. NEVER LET YOUR PARTNER’S MOM DICTATE WHERE YOU GO TO COLLEGE TRUST ME YOU WILL REGRET IT 

20. if you are begging for the basics leave 

21. if they ignore your food allergy leave 

22. if they’re a mama’s boy please leave 

23. if they ignore your fears leave 

24. if they think violence is casual and necessary for relationships leave 

25. listen to their ex’s even if you take it with a grain of salt please listen 

26. if you need to come up with an escape plan you’re in a toxic and possibly abusive relationship 

27. it’s okay if you don’t have the courage to leave right now but know, you can’t stay forever 

28. if they use past trauma against you, leave. 

also a word of advice for friends who know people who have been in DV situations

1. if we trauma dump just know we are sorry but please stop us and talk through it later (if you can) 

2. don’t ask why they didn’t leave sooner it’s not your buisness 

3. we don’t know we are being abused, if you know but we don’t please be patient. The mind is a tricky thing. 

4. DO NOT SAY “how did you not know” “you’re stupid for not knowing” “you’re making it up” “told you so” or anything else condescending, we feel stupid and we just want support 

well that’s all I have folks! Thank you tumblr for all the laughs and all the cringe.  I hope this post is insightful and please feel free to add on.

love <3 

Punk-Rock-Uncle :)