#theyre not bad or ugly or dirty or anything but I can not for the life of me drink from them

[thelikesoffinn]

The moment you learn that no, not all people have certain cups, mugs, or glasses they only use for guests because, personally, they can not drink from them because something about them is repulsive.

[dumbbitchfrommars]

im feeling quite a darkness and heaviness at the moment.

lowkey feel like i need to find a psych again, cause im probably gonna spiral soon.

this was supposed to be an exciting time but instead i feel like crap.

everything is always stress stress stress. i always wonder if this is gonna affect my long term health and mental health - constantly being afraid and anxious and stressed.

i am in debt, that should be my biggest concern right now but its not. i dont care at all. which is a huge thing to say considering my capricorn moon.

nothing really feels worth it, nothing is good enough. nothing is ever good enough. when has it ever? i try so hard to appreciate the little things but its like im always masking this underlying lack of appreciation for everything. life is hard. life has let me down so often... i have let myself down so often.

what did life do to deserve these words? lets be honest for once. no one and nothing has done me dirty. its all in my favour and to help me grow. im the one whos resisting and refusing to change.

i have a list of bad habits and thought processes that are limiting me. its a wonder people have the patience and forgiveness for me. i feel like im not really worth it. i guess when it comes to my family theyre just forced to - theyre my family. we live together. of course they will tolerate me.

somehow feeding into my negativity is not helping. i still feel wrong. like its all wrong and im not allowed to feel this way. ive done the wrong thing and im handling it all wrong. what do i do to fix it?

the tarot told me to reach out to others during this time. to communicate. the one thing i suck most at. yet i dont either at the same exact time. ive learnt how to talk about the things that matter. work. work and... fun. but life isnt all about work and fun. theres ugly stuff too. like my inner world and how underdeveloped and unprepared she is for the real world.

im angry and insecure, yes, we already established that. what's deeper? i dont know how to take care of myself. i want to be taken care of. i am scared of being forced to take care of myself. i am hurt because nobody wants to take care of me. i feel abandoned. i feel neglected. my inner child is feeling neglected. my inner child wants so desperately to be looked after.

i went into a black hole and had no one on the outside to look after me. but thats not true, is it? i had someone to look after me. i was lucky enough to have someone who cares about me to look after me. and i wasnt grateful, because i was upset. i felt id received evil eye. i was suspicious and angry and resentful because somehow it all meant that i was less worthy, less pretty, less wanted, less important, less enough. less pretty less thick less curvy less attractive less magnetic less feminine less desired. its so fucking stupid. its so so so fucking stupid. its all stupid. its all a stupid fucking game made by men who want us against each other and want them to be the prize. i am the prize. ive convinced myself im not but i am the fucking prize.

how did i let it get to this? how come it has come to this? when and how and why did it? when i retrace my steps, can i see how i fell into the trap of negative thinking time and time again until the point of no return? i thought i'd be fine as soon as i had time to myself. but the damage has been done and its gonna take a while for me to return to where i was before. i should be feeling on top of the world. i should be feeling magnificent. and proud. and happy. but i feel like absolute shit. i feel so low. and i feel like i cant focus on anything but the worst experiences from the last few months. nothing good only bad. im being frustrating and stubborn and completely negative and childish.

im so angry at myself right now. i dont know how to fix it. i dont know how to get back to normal in time. theres no time. life doesnt wait for me or anyone. but i still need time. how can i show my face to all my friends and put on a smile when nothing is fine inside? i want to say "no, i cant make it" and take the time to recover. but will i even recover? it just becomes another thing to add to the list of things im disappointed in myself over. im a mess. im chaos. im a child throwing tantrums everything her fuse has run out. because im not able to regulate my emotions until they blow over and all of the sudden im reacting and lashing out and doing things i always come to regret.

i hate feeling like im being treated like a child and yet i act like one.

i want someone to look after me and take care of me and parent me and love me.

but can i do any of those things for myself? for another person? i say how badly i want children but look at me. id be a terrible mother. i can barely take care of myself.

knowing all these things does nothing for me. i need to change. i want to change. but i dont want to either. im afraid of how much work its gonna take. all of the sudden im 18 again and completely overwhelmed and cant handle the pressure of all the responsibility life and adulthood brings. im still grieving the old me. im still grieving the childhood i missed out on... im still grieving the childhood i never appreciated.

my life lesson will be to appreciate it.

and still my ears ring and still my head throbs and i cant cry because i am still disconnected from her. i am her. but i cant reach her. shes taken the reigns and is bulldozing everything i thought i once knew.

theres so much to unpack. i want to learn i want to change i want to grow. fuck its so overwhelming. i feel like shit. i feel like a failure. i feel so weak and immature because i just cant do it. i feel so ashamed because i dont want to be this way. i dont want to be treated like a child i just want your respect.. i just want to be respected. i just want to be heard. listen to me! i deserve to be heard. i deserve to speak up. why cant i just fucking SPEAK UP? why wont you give me the space to SPEAK UP? listen to me! listen to me! listen to me! i might be a child but i am still fucking important! listen to me! how could you make me feel this way? this small? this unimportant? this silenced? my anger is valid but its being channeled in the wrong way. its spilling out because i dont know what to do with and i dont know how to integrate it and i dont know how to share it in a healthy way.

okay. i need to sit with this for one fucking second . its all ive been wanting and asking and waiting for for weeks. so let me do that. okay!? give me a fucking break. fuck.

[ghost-of-the-machine]

just saw a button that says "im not myself today. maybe im you" SHUT UP....... dont remind me!!! theres a specific shame in it that no one seems to grasp, which makes sense, when do i ever explain it?

it feels so. shameful, even though i know i cant help it, even if its just my natural tendency, its like. i want to RISE ABOVE my disorder, but.. i cant. its a personality disorder, it defines my personality. having back to back personality/dissociative disorders is so fucked up man i do not know who i am!!!! my only worth of myself comes from what other people tell me. am i sweet? am i kind? am i funny? at surface level i believe it, thats how i seem to others so it must be true... but beneath that i detest it, i feel rotten to my core. it feels disingenuous since its coming from others instead of within, so i feel like im hiding something. like theres some part of me thats so indescribably ugly and vile, and i cant let anyone i love see it. even when theyve already seen it, i hide it further, i pretend like its not real. i forget long conversations full of understanding and love, i embrace the fact that i need to hide this thing, this monster. there is no monster!! its just me, and that makes it worse.

isnt it horrifiying, though? i take the voices of others, take their mannerisms, sometimes i even take their skin, i shape myself in someone elses image. realistically i know why, mimicry keeps you safe from rejection, people are less likely to throw you away if you act like them. you are more likely to be accepted into a group if you mask and mirror. you pick up on their vocabulary, their personalities, and you display it back to them. but theres more to it than that, i spend too much time abusing myself over things i cant control, in the hopes that itll fix me. its not like i do it just to endear myself, i do it because i like it. is that worse, then? i like when i copy, i like the way people are!! i wanna be like the people i like, is that bad? i cant tell, i see it from both sides. it makes me feel dirty. i really dont know who i am

am i still the angry boy i was in middle school? that was me right? maybe it wasnt me, maybe im new.. if im new then who am i? am i the me i draw? the me i project out to others? who would that even be?? it seems no matter what, i remain dissatisfied with how everyone sees me, like theyre not seeing ME... but how can i know what that should be if i dont know myself? its like its locked somewhere within myself, but ill never be able to open it up, never be able to wear the skin i was meant to wear. i think it has nothing to do with the usual suspects, nothing to do with gender dysphoria, social anxiety, no. my mind is made of barriers and walls, im hiding from myself. i want to see it, dont i deserve it? its me after all.

to other people i must be someone right? so why does it feel so wrong? its not me, its wrong! surely its wrong? idk man. it makes me tired, i remember a couple years ago i managed to completely convince myself that i existed in a box and the box wasnt real, the whole time i was completely dissociated from my body, imagining one of my self inserts instead, crying and panicking because i wanted to get out of the box it was. MESSY, but when i calmed down i realized i was so worked up cuz i didnt know myself

for years ive worn the clothes my family picked, i didnt even know i could change my hair, i thought it wasnt allowed. i didnt have any self expression whatsoever. i was a husk, a shell of a person. to the point where now when i buy a piece of clothing, or i do ANYTHING with my appearance, i feel this.. it feels like such a big deal to me, and no one else really cares cuz hello? yr supposed to do that i guess, but i was 18 years too late. i have no sense of self cuz ive never explored myself, i thought it was against the rules. i dont know why i thought that, but its fucked me up i guess. i feel lost, i feel aimless. and im sucked back into that familiar feeling, i feel empty

[rinsoap]

haikyuu men as my icks bc i hate these men sm 👎

inspired by missmeinyourbones !! / not an x reader.

talks in a baby voice bc his mom didnt give him enough attention (me fr) and u feel bad but its literally so bad that u cant help but audibly groan everytime he refers to himself in third person bc "baby wants cuddies 😣"

bokuto... oikawa (on his worst days). lev (ugh i hate lev 👎) kuroo (bokuto rubbed off on him 🙁) asahi.

acts like a mean middle school boy, absolutely ABUSES the laughing cat emoji "thats tuff buddy 😹💀" like STOP IT. he'll jump to touch the door frame or even worse do that stupid fucking thing where he clings onto the door frame and leans his torso forward but his feet stay? why r u built like a bracket ) ???? refuses to wear anything but shorts and a tshirt even if its snowing. he will literally be shivering and is still like "its fine im not weak 😒" and pls do not get me started on the mouth breathing.......

tanaka. atsumu (but he grew out of it eventually!) i am trying to have hope. hinata.

the most pretentious man u will ever meet. he thinks his poetry is groundbreaking but theyre all haikus and all of them can be summed up by "i was the poem..... but she couldnt read 😣💔🥀" like who r u even talking ab ur single ass has one ex from third grade ❌ tries so hard to be witty but is just corny man like wdym u can quote "sniff out a fake nirvana fan anywhere" ????? he will hype up this "underground" song that the "tiktok mob" hasn't "gotten" yet and its why'd you only call me when you're high by arctic monkeys ?

both miya twins..... oikawa. tsukishima (he is of course a fucking prick). semi i rly dont want to believe this but deep down i KNOW. kyotani. kenma.

has the WORSTT fashion sense like he has zero sense of style. im talking fitted sweats or the sweats that are baggy in the crotch area but super skinny and fitted on the legs. he wears full on tech fleece or those ugly fake bape hoodies and calls it y2k like babe....... and what makes it worse is that he's a fashion SNOB. he is insufferable like he thinks he is so cool and has no idea he looks SO BAD 😭

TERUSHIMA (have u even seen him oh my GOD). atsumu (but he actually did grow out of it bc u would not let him live it down). nishinoya. kindaichi... i am so sorry for this but kuroo 🙁

he cannot clean himself for shit 😭😭 like he showers but he just straight up does not wash his ass "but the water runs down it so ???" like it is surprising he even knows what a loofa is. uses one of those dumb ass "8 in 1" IK ur not using ur "shampoo" to wash ur body ❌❌ and his fingernails r always dirty u have no idea how bc whenever u ask he just says "i dont know how they get like thaaat im sooo clean!! 🥺" u already know there's one lie in that sentence its a good bet its ALL a lie.

daichi (it was such a shock tbh but he absolutely ABUSES 3 in 1). atsumu maybe he is a walking ick. terushima (are we surprised?) kenma (he's a gamer duhh). mattsun (until the entire team bullied him for it W seijoh fr 🙏)

[dumbdancemomssideblog]

S1E1: The Competition Begins

okie dokie first ever episode of dance moms rewatch starts now :0 i actually remember watching this the very first time it aired on lifetime because i was channel surfing and saw a commercial for it earlier that day. that was the summer between 8th and 9th grade. ah memories... i didnt know what to expect because i did dance when i was a kid but not on a competition team and it was mostly ballet so i was pretty unfamiliar with this whole world. 

anyway lets begin. this is probably gonna be a longer post than what i’ll end up writing for the other episodes in season 1 bc the first episode introduces so much info, just a heads up

Act 1: (aside: yes its insufferable to divide this into “acts” when its really just like “segments separated by commercial breaks” but thats how they’re called in actual tv scripts so im just going with that cuz i cant think of a better/easier way uwu)

god this is so fucking early 2010s lmao

i miss these days where they were just talented nobodies from pittsburgh on a low budget reality tv show that nobody even knew would be successful. and the bad hair and makeup but idk if that was also just a 2011 thing lol

THE REAL HOUSEWIVES GREEN SCREEN INTROS IM DYING

the chalkboard !!!! they werent doing the pyramid on the mirror yet 

(apparently abby never did anything similar to the pyramid thing but the producers made her and it became a whole Thing on the show and thats why the moms were like wtf is this bullshit the first week)

mackenzie looks like a toddler. chloe is so tiny. theyre the 2 who changed the most physically over the course of the show

i remember watching this for the first time being used to ballet lyrical and jazz but never having done or really seen acro/gymnastics in dance choreo and being SO flabbergasted. i was thinking “a chin stand is not dancing what the actual hell” and yknow what? i was right

melissa: “my boyfriend knows how much i spend on dance because he signs the checks...............hermehhemrherrmehermh” (the most awkward laugh omg)

maddie is wearing a fucking bumpit in her hair i cannot

melissa deadass just said out loud “im here for my daughter im not here to make friends” ok everybody mark that one off on your catty women’s reality tv show bingo card!

camera man accidentally getting in the shot filming right in front of the huge wall-mirror.... what is this, amateur hour? i’ll let it slide since its the first day of filming rehearsal but step it up, boys

aw i forgot about maddie getting sick and crying :/ poor kid

melissa saying “i cant stand a chid that’s sick” sounds so edited like the intonation made it seem to me like they just cut her off mid-sentence i love lifetime

oh this was still when they were wearing normal stuff to class/rehearsal like black leotards bc they werent getting sent a trillion crazy 2-piece dancewear outfits for free yet bc they werent famous, man those were the days

Act 2:

[obligatory b-roll footage of downtown pittsburgh] 

the maddie chloe paige trio !!!! this is making me feel so nostalgic

“knees together, paige. you’re bow-legged, you need to fix that”

“you’re tall, you’re skinny, you’re a beautiful girl, you can do better than this. FOCUS” shes like 10 abby what the hell

“people think im tough and i guess i am but i would rather be the one to make your kid cry in the privacy of my studio than at an open-call audition in front of hundreds of people”

okay unpopular opinion alert: i agree with a lot of what abby says about stuff like this but her delivery is flawed, to but it euphemistically, that being said i think the production team of the show and the fame inflating her ego changed all of this somewhere over the course of the second season and its really sad to see :/ i can expand on that thought later tho

aw paige crying bc abby correcting her (but not saying anything personal or out of line, just technique corrections (at based on what we were shown, we dont know everything she said oop)) shes a sensitive kid she never should have been put on this show :( 

paige looks exactly like her mom i didnt realize that before

nia and holly were done so dirty throughout the whole series in terms of the narrative the producers set up about nia being the weakest link :/ 

Act 3:

cathy’s entire involvement in the show from the very beginning was so painfully obviously scripted (or at least heavily staged) 

vivi was also done dirty by the show’s narrative and she was only 6 and they presented her as like the butt of the joke bc her mom’s “character” was crazy and also she wasnt good at dance. i wonder how she feels about the show now that shes a teenager hmm. she really seemed not to give a fuck about dance for better or for worse when she was a kid tho so maybe she doesnt care ?

in what universe would an owner of another competitive dance studio bring her own kid to another studio more than an hour’s drive away, AND be under the impression that she could compete with them in a week, especially when they showed the kids’ and moms’ shocked reaction at the start of the episode to having to learn a dance in a week and compete it? like really what is the point of cathy and vivi being a part of this show im so ????

Act 4: 

THE MINISTER DAWN OUTBURST HOW DID I FORGET ABOUT THIS

this fight is about 50% of what got them a full season 1 and then things took off from there tbh. the other 50% was the electricity dance but thats a point for next episode..... :)

“you’re a minister act like one” “YOU’RE RIGHT I AM A MINISTER! LET’S PLAY THE BIBLE GAME ABBY, WHEN JESUS SAW THINGS THAT WERE WRONG HE WENT AFTER THEM, AND YOU’RE NOT GOING TO DO THIS TO MY KID” ma’am i think the wrongs jesus addressed were of slightly more importance than a preteen being told she cant take a dance class if shes violating the studio’s dress code

this is so good bc it wasnt staged afaik and there are regular students all throughout the building just STARING at them like lmao what even is going on, so im pretty sure this is real???

regardless, yeah dont wear socks and a tshirt to an acrobatics class, thats common fucking sense

another cameraman-in-mirror sighting, but its hard to think about angles when filming spontaneous drama like this, so i wont count it against them

“you called me fat” (i remember that being in the episode but thats not on the episode available through lifetime on demand that im watching from my moms tv hmmmmmm) “i told you to close and tuck in your two-piece costume, theres a big difference. HOW CAN YOU REMEMBER THAT BUT YOU CAN’T REMEMBER TO TURN YOUR FEET OUT” uh scream

she really called the police on this woman i cannot handle this. can you imagine being a police officer responding to this call? 

“we have a parent thats out of control. pardon? no shes doesnt have weapons, just her mouth” iconic

im sorry im still not over the hair and makeup. the flat hair with the side bangs. the black pencil eyeliner applied all the way around the eye. why did any of us think this was a look :( why did we do this :(

Act 5:

they went all the way to phoenix to compete 3 numbers, only 2 of which are shown in the episode.

i think this is the only time they ever went to west coast dance explosion because its an actual competition and they wouldnt allow filming after this lol i think they did go to wcde one weekend in addition to a competition where they were filming but it wasnt shown or mentioned at all

abby not wanting brooke and paige to have a french manicure on stage if theyre the only ones in the group with the french tips is perfectly valid idk why it was framed as some crazy micromanaging shit

i also am really not a fan of the whole “high functioning alcoholic wine mom/crazy stage mom” schtick they were pushing for the first few episodes of this show

in retrospect i feel like so many of the quips in this episode were intentionally fucking crazy just to get the audience engaged enough to want to watch more episodes...

“see those girls down there, those girls with the legs? thats who you’re up against, so step it up”

abby warning them that its dangerous for their little party hats to slip when they’re doing aerials and pirouettes and stuff: “what if you were at radio city music hall and they had the ice rink out and you were doing a side aerial and fell 13 stories down and died, huh?” fantastic point abby thank you for saying that to 5 girls ages 8-12 less than 5 minutes before they went on stage. perfect time for a teaching moment like that :)

i forgot how bad the camera work was in the first few episodes for footage of their performances. like they really didnt think the show’s audience would actually want to watch the kids dance, the producers and editors thought we just wanted to see stage mothers yelling at each other lol

also the mic feed over the music of abby talking to herself giving them corrections while watching them dance on stage.... im so glad they quit doing that. i dont remember them doing it like that for any other episode, i hope im right

this choreo is very basic and its a cute dance i guess but its very cringe in some places and for the first episode this is such a forgettable group routine

their scandalized reaction to placing third and the sad piano music is so funny honestly

and maddies reaction in the interview which was almost definitely fed to her by the producers where shes like “i win all the time i dont really know what its like to LOSE i always win or get runner up” so many of maddies lines from season 1 interviews sound so fake and she was probably too naive to know they were getting her to say that stuff so they could paint her as a conceited brat (she was EIGHT)

the trio costume was so ugly im sorry (is it supposed to be like a 50s pinup bathing suit?) (and the headband thing looks so bad) and also the music is bad but they had no real authority over that bc of copyright stuff

chloe’s headpiece coming forward and the ensuing drama was another moment in the episode that really solidified public interest in the show imho.... 

“YOU’RE IN THE BAR HAVING A DRINK AND YOUR KID’S HEADPIECE IS FALLING OFF” “it did not FALL OFF it CAME FORWARD it was FINE!!!”

“mistakes happen, we’re human.” “YOU are. mistakes like that dont happen to me”

and then the “next time on dance moms” with the WILDLY INAPPROPRIATE electricity dance, of course. genuinely that was really smart of the producers in terms of structuring things to generate intrigue lol. and obviously it ended up working....

[fart-gate]

SG1

Season 3 episode 12

"JOLINARS MEMORIES"

🚨trigger warning: mention of possible rape 🚨

Notes by me

- Incoming wormhole!!! "Maybe its dad" never get tired of Jack calling Jacob Dad

- MARTOUF!!! MY LOVe

- one way ticket downstairs for Jacob

- Netu is a moon (also known as Hell)

- jolinar escaped hell itself? She just keeps getting sexier doesnt she

- daniel fluttering his lashes at martouf

- jack: lets go stealth and prison break his ass

Martouf: you CANNOT be sneaky with this one

- alexa play Highway to Hell

- MARTOUF IN SG1 CLOTHES ALL MY PRAYERS HAVE BEEN ANSWERED

- Jack criticizing martoufs space ship out the gate unprompted

- martouf: are you sure you can pilot this ship

Tealc / poe dameron: I can fly anything

- sorry tealc , beefiest members stay on the ship

- "To Hell with us!"

- martouf modifying the temple device so that it doesnt display sams thoughts like tv. Definition of perfection #dreamy

- jolinar looks different. Is this the host she had before the one that looked like Sam?

- Sam is trying to think of discreet ways to tell martouf that she can see him and jolinar slappin bellies

- when she wakes up martouf and the first thing he says is "are you ok" husband material

- martouf is handsome in this black shirt ok what?? What you thought I wouldnt mention it?? You think I'm not horny for him?? Well you were wrong werent you

- big surprise, Satan is ugly

- Jack calling him Marty

**trigger warning

- Sam seems to be implying jolinar got raped

***

- Daniels choker

- being blasted out the escape hatch towards an on fire moon seems like fun

- we already lost comms this is a bad idea

- first impression of hell? seems cozy. Needs marshmellows

- *screaming in distance*

- the only movie Jack has ever seen is wizard of oz

- bynar is a stupid name. Fits an ugly man

- "the smells keep getting better and better"

- how has daniel not lost his glassses

- Jack is so snarky with martouf. Jealousy??? Or flirting....only time will tell

- jolinar escaped using sexual means OF COURSE bc she cant have escaped using cool means. It had to be sexual bc she cant do anything else bc shes a woman and the people writing this show are men!!!! Rant over

- oh boo hoo she used her feminine wiles to escape get over it

- technically not even rape as she willingly bounced on it so that she could wait till he fell asleep

- jacob!! 50% of mission complete

- is martouf crying

- interesting how he used to call selmek a 'she' and now he calls her a 'he'. Diversity wins again. The parasite fused to your spine stem is gender fluid❤

- daniel giving him his jacket💗

- ok I'll admit it. this devil is scary

- costume department needs a raise. Yes I'm still talking about how attractive they are and what of it?? This is who I am

- "look after my dad" I CRY

- theyre so sexy covered in dirt go ahead tell me im wrong🔪

- this guy trying be seductive meanwhile his eye is oozing 56 diseases

- "I once carried her" like babey

- theyre like how is he getting off the moon and I'm here yelling at the screen to call tealc!! He saw the beaming thing!

- Sam now knows how to get off the moon. apparently this guys has RINGS?? I didnt even know they went that far

- the guard saved her .

- usually when someone keeps their face hidden on a tv show than it is someone from previous episodes. Who is the guard

- intercept the rings should be easy once I lose these spaceships shooting at me💭tealcs thoughts

- SPACE CHASE

- martouf throwing his axe and Jack catching it . bros for life

- APOPHIS back by unpopular demand i see

- why does he look like phantom of the Opera

---- to be continued ----

~

Whump under the cut

Sam carter whump: temple device, flinching, vivid recall, sensory recall, screaming, captured, forced kneeling, fought, interrogated ish, face grabbed, mind probed

Jack Oniell whump: shot by ribbon device, laying on ground, coughing, thrown in pit, forced kneeling, captured, fought , mind probed

Daniel jackson whump: captured, forced kneeling, mind probed

Martouf whump: captured, forced kneeling, tears on face, mind probed

Bonus Jacob carter whump: beaten, bloody, dirty, weak, helped walking, out of breath

🎶listening to Highway To Hell by ACDC🎶 for obvious reasons

[wwounu]

mafia!jeonghan “YOON” #11

↻ masterlist — intro￤s.coups￤yoon￤hong￤wen￤hoshi￤jeon￤woozi￤dk￤kim￤xu￤boo￤chwe￤lee

traitor

member of Venor Unit

his role is more of a spy, however jeonghan likes the term ‘traitor’ more than anything

there are many rumours about him

only a handful have been picked to be debunked as true or false

for years he’s still been rumoured whether or not hes a member of seventeen

surprise surprise, he is

and the story of how he was recruited was one he’d never forget

because who would forget his missing nineteen-year old childhood friend climbing up to the top of his penthouse, at 1:27 in the morning, and suddenly break and walk into your bedroom like it’s no big deal?

in other words, he wasn’t pleased to see his dearest seungcheol

his friend was talking about all sorts of nonsense the moment he startled awake: japan, gangs, tattoos,, bad haircuts,,, poisoned ice cream??

this wasnt the seungcheol he remembered

so with mixed feelings, jeonghan told seungcheol to crash on his bed while jeonghan would take the couch and asking seungcheol to take a shower because he looked like he came back from a fight with a shark

when morning came seungcheol was trying to explain jeonghan about the wonderful complicated world of mafia business

but jeonghan had none of it — it sounded unreal

on top of that he was more fussed over seungcheol leaving for two years and not telling his own friend about it

with all this anger building inside him, mainly due to the stress of trying to get his head around this whole... thing, he told seungcheol to leave and go back home

seungcheol gave a look at him, a hard look, before he sighed and stormed out of the place

jeonghan didnt miss the small ‘no one ever stops to listen to someone like me’ under seungcheol’s breath

and never in their friendship they brought light upon their many differences, so it kinda tugged on jeonghan’s heartstrings

it saddened him knowing he didn’t give the welcome his friend wanted but at the time he thought he was in the right

then for the next two weeks, seungcheol was desperately trying to get jeonghan to join his ‘mafia’

(mafia in asteriks, because jeonghan wasn’t having any of his bullshit)

through messages, messy letters, he even received a collection post-it notes stuck around his penthouse without traces of who did this even though he fully knew well who it was 

and that night jeonghan was paranoid that seungcheol would randomly break in again

then the desperation for help stopped for the next month

although jeonghan did enjoy the attention from his best friend and wanted to continue this ‘fun’ game, he began to grow concerned

his best friend disappeared without a trace. again.

the cope was harder to deal with this time, because the insignificant thought about seungcheol truly being a mafia boss was becoming the host of his nightmares

you best believed the utter shock on his face when he saw seungcheol sat beside his door around midnight

hood up, dirty head to toe and one nasty cut on his lip and cheek

jeonghan was supposed to go to a party, but that priority was ignored straight away

he takes seungcheol in, aiding the cuts before doing anything else

as jeonghan would expect from the man, seven year old seungcheol would be screaming ugly noises with snot running down along his tears

but this other seungcheol didn’t flinch at the pressure of the alcohol touching his skin, and looked in every direction to avoid jeonghan

that — thankfully — hadn’t changed

seungcheol always payed attention to his surroundings when he doesnt want to be in a situation. it happened a lot with his father

so jeonghan asks why he looks like shit

and all the anxieties rush to his brain as the thought of his lash of anger to seungcheol caused the latter to end up like this

questions like when did he last eat?, where did he stay?, did i do this?

but seungcheol started explaining himself

something about these high schoolers ganging up on a sixteen year old in their school because of his looks, seungcheol stood up for this said ‘sixteen year old’ and found the four-against-one fight fair play until they brought out knives and seungcheol was like youve got to be kidding me

and suddenly, one thing led to another and the sixteen year old lit a tree on fire???? and he lifted a stray branch, took out a lighter, then lit it before storming to the high schoolers with a maniac-like look on his face

and the kid was then gone as he chased the high schoolers away

seungcheol had never been more confused

but he had to get out as there was still the,,, burning tree there,,,,,,

and when he finished his story, he paused, falling silent again and sort of bitterly saying ‘sorry, half of the things i say sound unbelievable now’

and jeonghan is a bit offended but he wasn’t going to push seungcheol away yet again

so jeonghan tells him that he believes him and at first seungcheol kept arguing that he’s bluffing for his sake

surprised, jeonghan reassures him again and again to get it through seungcheol’s head that he’s going to join him because he’s going through a hard time, anyone can see that

remaining silent, seungcheol nods before he manages out a thanks

they apologise and forgive each other, and later that night seungcheol tells everything — and i mean everything — about his family and the mafia

it was a heavy night for seungcheol

which brings us to today

since jeonghan was born into a rich family, it made seungcheol’s job way more easier than it was as jeonghan had higher class connections with others while his friend kept lowkey

he can have news alerted to him quickly like updates on parties, social events, scandals, some juicy affairs here and there, all that corrupt high-society crap

and he gets the odd word about some mafias in korea, making it his duty to report all of it back to seungcheol

with seungcheol’s command, he does whatever he instructs him to do, which is to spy on any updates of the situation

hence why he’s always out at fancy social-events

its truly a bore though. he’d rather sleep in

you may think he’s just acting naive most of the time — but he’s listening to every word and every moment he can sink in all around him

the highlight of the night is when everyone gets drunk, which is the perfect time to hear their dark secrets and use his sweet-talk

effortlessly finds a way to manipulate his way to invite himself and seventeen, who’d he’d call associates, to any banquet whenever he senses dirty work will commence

his pretty-boy looks usually do the trick ‘seventeen’s pretty boy’, the group calls him

makes the time to take care of the member’s schedules and invitations to these places, even going to the extent to make replica invitations

creates a plan of how the members enter so that they wouldn’t be seen together and raise eyebrows

particularly during these events, other suspicious men try to keep a close eye on jeonghan due to the rumours of his relation to the seventeen mafia

yet they’re wasting their time because he’s never in one place and socialises with many people

often when he strays on his own, he explores the area and wanders from room after room to find anything else valuable

normally reports to wonwoo what he finds through an earpiece

‘i found a diary’

‘youre going to open it arent you’

‘risqué, she keeps a taser and a ton of money in her lingerie set’

‘dont take the money’

‘wasnt going to’

‘jeonghan drop the roll of money right now’

‘... fine’

‘okay’

‘i took the taser instead!’

did i mention that he needs to ‘borrow’ a belonging as his souvenir for the places he visits

and because of junhui, he has semi-mastered the skill to hide all evidence

also pretty much hates it when he’s rushed, needs to take his tiem with everything (excluding when they’re in grave danger then that’s different)

mouth runs a lot so when he really needs information to be spilt, he exposes other lowkey scandals to get the information he needs

this is where he gets his traitor title from

if he’s framed as a traitor, he turns the tables around and either puts the blame on someone else or on the person calling him a traitor

he’s grown up in this corrupt class and knows all the dirty ins and outs of it

when he feels like he’s being interrogated to spill information, he takes control of the conversation and does subtle things like asking for things usually pouting when doing so or complimenting on one thing before discussing something completely off topic

he can never expose seventeen and will never expose them even if he’s dying 

another off-topic fact, he calls people babe a lot

mainly because it makes people feel a certain way, but its jeonghan’s self-acclaimed magic word

that word does things

is also a part of A Team, but due to the fact jeonghan is always busy, they dont work together as often as they used to

looking at soonyoung, wonwoo and jeonghan, you wouldn’t think of them to be that close but they’ve had history

out of all of seventeen, he’s the weakest in terms of weaponry since he’s basically just a informant to seventeen

therefore his choice of weapon are usually used by the closest thing to him

prefers glass as his choice of weapon if he had to choose, so because of this minghao frequently gives him smashed wine bottles for jeonghan’s use

a bit of a brat

but seventeen never mentions it

loves seeing people beg in front of him, especially when theyre desperate

this might be because he likes attention on him

teasing and poking fun at them gives him the greatest joy, it leaves him so satisfied but also wanting more

normally after difficult jobs done by the whole group, when Perficio Unit are clearing up the last of the evidence and killing the last of their suffering enemies, jeonghan skips in to take a wonder around too

Perficio Unit let him because its jeonghan

blood is soaked everywhere, many men are on the floor, some dead, possibly not, and their fancy suits all ruined while the four males finishing the job play jazz music on blast as they take care of the remains

just another job for seventeen

and jeonghan inspects each face, making sure the fear is their eyes while theyre slowly dying from blood loss. if they arent, then jeonghan pulls a gun out of his pocket and points it at them, getting the reaction he wants

(the gun was full of blanks anyway, what’s there to be scared about??)

decides to steal a wristwatch from one of the men and gets told off by the unit because they now have to get rid of jeonghan’s dirty fingerprints for stealing the accessory

loves it even more when Perficio Unit are in the middle of an interrogation (on most occasions they lead the questioning) back in their hideout and pops down to see how their ever-so suffering victim is hanging in there

generally summoned down if 1. wonwoo is busy or 2. they need the victim to speak a bit more

jeonghan doesn’t play once he comes down — but its inevitable that he’ll make sure that he gets the satisfaction that he wants from the person held captive

will stay until theyre sweating and crying in a mix of blood and tears and they are begging in front of his feet while tied up. he wont stop the torture unless the person confesses truthfully to what Perficio Unit ask and feel numb around their whole body that it hurts

uses the taser he stole in addition to let the pain sink in even more, also decorated the taser to have stickers of a halo and wings to look like an angel

when they get the answer they want, it’s a job well done for jeonghan

and when the victim thinks its all over, jeonghan sweetly grins one last time to them, turning foot because, really, he cannot do anything to the poor soul

he shrugs and walks, searching in his back pocket for a gun a filled one this time, twirling it around his fingers before handing it to one of the unit members

without skipping a beat, he smiles, whispering ‘enjoy’ and leaving them to do their job

needs the members as much as the members needs him

a perfect balance

“Somebody said it means imperfection and danger”

[mattelektras]

GIRL HEY I LOVE YOU and your blog and just all your marvel thoughts and opinions and your recs tag WOW you got me into comics like THANK YOU AND YOUR SOUL and so i am so curious to know like what are your issues with mcu? like everything i want to know EVERYTHING, every little detail that's bothered you to the shitty casting to the whitewashing to the lack of development LET ME HEAR IT PLEASE

OH HOW LONG DO YOU HAVE. pretty much all of this excludes black panther and ragnarok. nothing but respect for my mcu

it took them literally 10 years and like 20 movies to have anyone that wasn't a white man lead a solo film. like. that is a LONG ASS TIME

not to mention the straight people EVERYWHERE until valkyrie who they didn't SHOW is bi. trust only tessa thompson and taika watiti. let that be the lesson here

and the women and people of colour they DID have in their movies were done incredibly dirty like rhodey (who could absolutely have held a solo movie following iron man 2. or even 1 like. they just slipped in that he’s become a superhero n didn't do anything with it like... really????????) gets shot in the fuckin spine by that piece of shit robot. sharon was set up so well and now doesn't exist. mcu nat i dont even know where to begin

mcu maximoffs/dr strange/iron fist. the whitewashing trifecta. they went for the hatrick and they nailed it. thanks i hate it 

but with the maximoffs specifically like. GOD theyre bad. wendy has gone from ‘moves things with her mind’ (not wanda’s actual powers but whatevs we’ll get to that bit) to literally being able to destroy an infinity stone. she’s everything mr whedon wants in a female character. and mcu pietro??? a weak bitch. pietro maximoff would die of spite before he sacrificed himself for clint fucking barton

so many of the movies dont line up with one another like PLEASE marvel directors watch each other’s movies. the russos basically turned up at taika watiti’s house and told him to go fuck himself 

or just... hire good directors.... the russos fooled everyone into thinking they were good with cap 2 but what the ever loving fuck was civil war and infinity war

stop with the war shit no one likes superheroes vs superheroes

this is petty and i KNOW movies dont have to follow the comics like. i know that and sometimes its a very good thing, but with marvel they wanna take parts from the comics, sometimes GOOD parts and they wanna fuck it all up and force it to fit into their shitty narrative. like. civil war for example.. had a PURPOSE in comics. it was a genuine grey area and, well written, it could've been a nuanced scenario about how different types of people might have benefited or suffered from it (re: mutants etc). in the mcu, civil war was uuuuuh wendy blew up some people and she used to be a nazi but we’re all gonna defend her because im steve rogers and i do what the fuck i like regardless of literally everything else. 

they based the mcu on the ultimates universe???? TAKE THE GOOD BITS THEN!!!! like take miles morales instead of just giving peter his life and his friends 

get better actors jesus christ. just. better as people would be a start. ms substitute asian johansson and mr Gun Rights pratt. perish

the chris x3 jokes really arent endearing either. some of em have gotta go

please hire someone with real eyes for your costume department!!!!!! say what you like about dc movies, but they all WORK together. their suits have the same tone/materials/overall look. the avengers look like a bunch of people who have never met before 

speaking of, i physically cannot buy the ‘friendship’ the avengers supposedly have. they dont talk!!!!!! there’s too many of them to actually get any solid team development!!! you want me to believe thor even knows hawkeye’s real name??? he doesn't!! and he doesn't give a shit either!!

if you're gonna do a romantic relationship......... fucking stick with it or actually end it. steve/sharon could have been SO GOOD but where has that gone. nat/hulk was hideous and thank god it died but WHERE has it gone. 

not to mention the fact that gamora has literally shown no interest towards peter but she loves him in infinity war somehow

peggy carter is really NOT THAT IMPORTANT!!!! people are still out here shittalking sharon, the LEADING CAP COMICS WOMAN, STEVE’S MAIN AND PRETTY MUCH SOLE LOVE INTEREST, because she's not peggy carter and she doesn't talk about girl power whilst wearing winged eyeliner. steve and peggy kissed once like if thats your standard for a life long relationship then im married to like 8 people i knew when i was 15

the general need marvel has to own all of their properties. homecoming was a good movie, but did we need it??? like really???? people have seen so many spider man movies but no one had seen a black panther or captain marvel movie and they both got shoved back to accommodate the 3rd peter parker ive seen in my lifetime

SPEAKING OF REPETITION.... snarky movies led by white men alongside a woman who is clearly more capable than they are but dont get any recognition for it are the same. the exact fucking same 

CAN POST CREDITS SCENES PLEASE DIE im not sitting around for 20 minutes waiting for something cool like a hint of a new hero only to see steve fucking rogers doing his ironing or some shit. if its not worth it, dont do it maybe 

the colour grading is ugly as sin. if it’s got some over saturated primary colours in it... its a marvel movie 

marvel movies are just.... straight up not funny at this point lmao like im not a 13 year old boy i dont find dick and whore jokes funny try again

‘it’ll kill you’ ‘only if i die’ ‘yes thats what killing you means’ is supposed to be funny and i get that but uuuuuh its just bad dialogue and there are so many lines like that. write a good fucking movie and then MAYBE you won't have to fill scenes with empty conversations to take up the time

fuck the mcu guardians of the galaxy, to put it finely. mcu peter is a dick and his altered back story makes him even more of a dick. drax isn't a dumbass, gamora would rather die than touch peter. mantis is a literal celestial goddess, not some old white dude’s sleep time therapist 

mostly what it comes down to with me though is that marvel literally does not have to make good movies. they can make any old shit and make literally millions of dollars. barely anyone gave a fuck about ant man or doctor strange, and if you didn't read comics, you likely wouldn't have even KNOWN who they were but everyone went to see them because they had marvel on the posters. and thats pretty much marvel’s entire deal. ALL they do is get credit for things they havent done 

oh and fuck vision too 

[cloudbattrolls]

Coward Mont Blanc

Maidel Juzuxt | Present Night | Derevnya | Octavian Musical Arts Studios

Everyone calls it OMAS, or Oh, Masterfully Aimed, Shithead if they’re not fond of Treble. Even if they’re on the list of people who won’t kick him out of a room after ten minutes, they might still toss it off, teasing, but with an edge of bile.

It’s one of the reasons you get along with him, despite how different the two of you are. 

“So!” He says, plucking at his suspenders. “What’s got you in such a sulk, Maidel-girl? Or is it boy today.”

You’re in one of the studio’s dance rooms, one that’s empty at the moment since the next class won’t be for hours. Mirrors cover its walls, and overhead glowworm lamps dot the ceiling, giving off light even as they’re in stasis. Treble can feed, wake, and rearrange them at his will if needed for a choreography practice, as well as brighten them with the right formula. 

Right now they’re giving off a low yellowish glow as they sleep, clinging to the gray ceiling. It bathes your face in a sickly cast, or maybe that’s just your mood as you stare into one of the mirrors, clad in a suit that you look absolutely horrible in.

“Boy.” You say, but there’s not much spirit in it. Gender isn’t very important right now; it’s part of your bigger problem, but only in a small way. 

Sometimes you think it’d be easier if you just had no chest to worry about, and certainly sometimes you hate having to leave off your binder or worry about damage, the kind your psi can’t really repair fully. 

Other times you think rumblespheres at least give people something other to look at than your face or stomach. Not that they’re impressive, but at least it’s something. 

“What’s got you so down in the dumps, Maidel-boy? You nervous? Don’t be nervous, my cool cat! This joint will love you.”

That gets a small snort out of you, mostly because of Treble’s ridiculous speaking manner. It’s been perigees and you still don’t believe he can naturally talk that way, no matter how much he swears up and down he was hatched with it.

You turn a little, looking at yourself from another angle in the mirror, your hair pulled back into a ponytail so everyone can see your face. Great. You put a finger to one cheek, but lightly, to not ruin the makeup covering your freckles.

Treble leans in slightly, his eyebrows raised and ears flicking slightly. His aren’t nearly as mobile as yours, but you know what he’s thinking.

“I look better this way.” You say. “A little. Don’t try to tell me freckles are cute again, I’m not buying it.”

Not much you can do about your face in general. Your hair is okay. then there’s your body.

You’ve always been on the heavier side, and maybe that wouldn’t be so bad if it didn’t look so stupid on you.

Highbloods being big fits them like a shell on a scuttlebeast. They have the tusks, the intimidation, the big sharp horns to go with it. Their fat doesn’t look like weakness; it only makes them look stronger, heartier, able to dominate.

You’ve been mistaken for blue twice, when you were wearing heavy clothing and goggles against the steam and snow. You were alarmed, then flattered, then a little depressed. 

Treble just clicks his tongue and shakes his head like you’re a silly, mildly disobedient lusus. “Maidel, Maidel, Maidel. Even if you don’t like them, doesn’t mean not a single troll in that joint won’t! You got to be honest about who you are! That’s the only way to make your brand.”

It takes a force of effort to not remind Treble that just because he keeps showing off who he is to the whole world, (despite getting laughed at and kicked out of multiple places) it doesn’t mean you want to go through the same.

That’d be cruel; Treble’s odd, but he’s been kind to you, and it’s hard to hate a troll who isn’t any more good looking than you but so much braver.

Even if sometimes you wish you could. 

“I don’t need a brand.” You mutter. “I just want to sing.”

When you’re finally on the stage, finally manage to forget where you and who you are and what you look like, that makes it all worth it. When you sing, you’re somewhere else, someone else. People have actually clapped for you before, and it wasn’t all just polite applause.

Treble loves to babble about how you could be the next big thing. All you want is to keep feeling that way for the rest of your life, even for little bits at a time. It’s enough.

He pauses, perhaps aware of the usual argument and realizing you don’t want to hear it. He almost chews on his claws, raising two to his mouth but he’s been trying to stop lately and drops them. 

“Maidel.” He says, gentle, which makes the hairs on the back of your neck prick up. “Singing aside, you really want to have this sort of bad juju brewing in you the rest of your natural life, my man?” 

“It doesn’t matter.” You say, trying to be dismissive, but dismissive from you sounds about as believable as a honk from a limeblood and Treble’s face is understandably if irritatingly skeptical. 

“‘Course it matters! You telling me you’re okay just going ‘aw, nuts, I hate how I look’ for all your sweeps? You gotta change yourself, or - ”

“ - change your bulbs, yes.” You sound a bit more testy than you’d like, but he’s told you this about ten times before.

“I tried to diet and exercise for a whole perigee, Treble. Aside from making me miserable, it barely did anything. I lost three pounds. Three pounds in that whole time! I don’t know what’s wrong with my stupid, garbage, messed up - ”

“Whoa! You really want to hate yourself that bad, man?”

You realize you’re breathing hard, eyes wide and - in the mirror - you see a hint of orange in them. 

Groaning, you cover your face with a soft palm, dragging your fingers through your curls.

“Olives are supposed to be lithe and muscular. Or else average looking, since everybody likes to say we’re the most boring caste.” You say, bitter. “Even being average like you would be better. Nobody thinks you’re ugly. They just think you’re normal.”

Maybe that’s rude, but you don’t care right now.

Treble plucks at his tie thoughtfully, but you can see a trace of pain in his eyes that wrenches your digestion sac. You’ll apologize to him later.

“Do people really tell you you’re ugly, Maidel-boy?” He says, curious. 

You snort. In a way, that’d almost be better.

“Hardly ever.” You admit, and he opens his mouth but you wave a finger and press on. “They don’t have to! They don’t even notice me, good or bad, compared to everyone else I know. They’re all pretty. None of them would ever consider a troll like me to be an option in any quadrant.”

You sound pathetic, even to yourself. It’s not like you expect the trolls you know to date you, or that you’d particularly want to date them in the first place. 

It’s how you’ve seen Riccin flirt, seen Pheres flirt, seen them have quadrants. Have people interested in them. Seen them know they’re beautiful, that they can get trolls just by being themselves.

Must be nice.

“So...what brought all this up from its deep dark spot, huh?”

You look at him blankly.

“Usually you’re a little down in the dumps, but not fit to yowl about it.”

You flush slightly. You guess you did raise your voice more than you meant to. 

“I’m sorry.” You say, throat tight. You shouldn’t even be talking to Treble about this. He has a moirail, a teal who works at one of the universities. You have no idea why he takes so much time with you to start with.

Especially if this is how you treat him.

You’d rather dive out the window than answer, but you owe him that much.

“I have an ash crush.” You admit, and it feels like a dirty word, a curse. Maybe it is. You have to be cursed if you’re stupid enough to have feelings for Riccin, who’s practically a clown, and who’s never cared about you.

Maybe it’s some messed up form of self-harm.

Treble looks puzzled, and for good reason.

“So why’re you all torn up about how you look?” 

Ash isn’t about that, is the clear implication. You almost laugh. If only he knew.

“Riccin wants pretty trolls in every quadrant.” You say, staring into the mirror at the disappointing image with a suit on a too-round figure. “Their kismesis and their ex ash are both little, skinny trolls, with pretty faces. And they’re close with Pheres, and he’s the same.”

Then there’s you, who’s as heavy as any two of them, not to mention that they think you’re dull as ditchwater. Even if you wanted to pursue this - if you were so blindingly stupid - how could you prove them wrong? You’d wear yourself out trying.

Not to mention that Vide would probably cull you. She seems like she’s still interested in them, and for all you know they might still be interested in her too. Riccin doesn’t give up easily.

“I think you’re feeling a bit too sorry for yourself, Maidel-boy.”

You glare at him, then sigh. He chuckles.

“So you got a hopeless crush. Happens to us all. Why let it mess your groove up so much, man? If there’s no worth wondering if you can, put your bulbs into what you are good at! Which is: belting out the tunes and making us both a little cash, hm?”

You snort. With Treble it all comes back to money or fame. Given how hard he works for it, you can’t blame him too much. The chances of an olive making it big - or even being an agent for anyone who does - are minimal. Somehow he still tries, still teaches and manages and performs, no matter who mocks him, no matter how many times he gets chased off.

“Okay.” You say. “Let’s go.”

[softest-nerd-freddie]

Taking care of you(rself)

Pairing: Stozier

Tags: angst, hurt&comfort, tw:child abuse (mentioned), aged up characters, Richie is a mess and Stan tries to fix him up

Written for a request:  "I LOVE YOU! ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?!" (like theyre fighting) w stozier

Word count: 1876

AO3

“You’re such a pain, Richie.”

“Incorrect, Stan. I am in pain.” Richie chuckled weakly, but when he noticed sharp look that Stan send him, he quickly became silent. 

Stan stood still, towering over Richie who was sitting on the verge of bathtub. He was scrutinizing him and trying not to let all of his worries flood out and paint all of his features. His eyes wandered from Richie’s dark hair all covered in dirt, to his eyes, hidden behind the glasses, and huge purple bruise forming under the left one, to his nose, covered in already dry blood. Richie was holding himself by his right elbow, making small massaging moves.

“You won’t ever learn, will you?” Stan finally said, rubbing his face with one hand and sighed.

Richie didn’t respond, his eyes wandering all over Stan’s floor. Talking to Stan in moments like this was hard and it drove him crazy at some points. No matter what anyone would say, he always seemed to have a smart, witty answer, so engaging into a squabble with him, having no arguments on his side was like shooting himself in the foot.

“At least you should be glad that I found you today.” Stan said trying not to sound like an angry parent telling off his kid. Once again before his eyes appeared the sight of Richie sitting on the curb, barely breathing but laughing. Shiver went down Stan’s spine, he blinked few times trying focus again.

“Glad? Yes, I’m so fucking glad! Can’t you see how fucking glad I am?!” Richie almost screamed, earning warning look from Stan. His parents were downstairs, probably asleep and even though they wouldn’t mind Richie being here, especially looking the way he did, he didn’t want to wake them. He threw his first aid into the sink and turned his whole body to face the other boy.

“What do you mean?” he asked slowly, furrowing his eyebrows at the tone Richie used, painfully sarcastic but not in his usual way. 

“What do I mean? I couldn’t be happier to get beaten up again and stumble upon you so you can scold me like a little bitch!” 

“Sco- scold? I haven’t even said anything, I-” Stan tried to bounce the ball back but was thrown off his guard by this accusation. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “Whatever you think, I dragged you here to take care of you.”

“Yeah, because I can’t take care of myself alone, right?” 

“I doubt you can.” Stan shot angrily, grabbing his left hand, ignoring the whine that escaped Richie’s mouth, and shoving his palm to his face. Richie didn’t want to look at it at first, knowing all too well what Stan is talking about. “Look at it.”

Stan’s voice was calmer now, quite cold but concerned. Air left his lungs when he moved his eyes to face it. There was an ugly scar laying shamelessly across his skin, grinning to him with sharp teeth; painful reminder of what happened 4 years ago at the Neibolt house. He didn’t want to look at it for too long but before he managed to move his head, the other hand appeared in his sight. There was a scar too, but it was smaller and smoother, almost unnoticeable if you didn’t know it was there.

The day they swore to come back if It has not died was kind of foggy in Stan’s memories but he was well aware that this happened. It was highly irresponsible to cut their skin with dirty piece of glass but fortunately nothing bad happened to, well, most of them. Stan got his wound cleared and fixed right when he came back home and he was sure everyone else have done the same. That was, until two days later when he noticed dirty bandage covering Richie’s left hand and visible painful grin on his face when he touched anything with it. He was surprised, he hadn’t expect his friend to be even more irresponsible. That day his parents went with him and Richie to the hospital to have it taken care of professionally since the wound has gone really bad. 

Richie had been ashamed back then when they left the building of the hospital, and was ashamed here, sitting in Uris’ bathroom. He pulled out his hand from Stan’s grip and tried to hide it in his pocket looking anywhere but him. 

“You asshole.” Richie whispered after few minutes. “It always has to be the way you want it, right? In order. Clean and clear.”

“Don’t tell me that keeping your wounds clear is just my whim!”

“I don’t know Stan, maybe it is!” Richie huffed “You just love perfection so much that I don’t even know what am I still doing in your life! I’m this indelible stain you just keep trying to wash off, always correcting, always aiding with this patronizing look in your eyes, I’m so sick of this. I am not perfect and won’t ever be so just, spare me and fuck off.”

“It’s not about perfection!”

Stan couldn't believe what he has heard. Richie was talking about him like about machine that was set to obey certain rules.

“I love you! Are you happy now?!” Stan whisper-screamed, tears welling up his eyes. “It’s never been about perfection. It’s about your fucking health and your fucking well being. That’s what I’m concerned about.” 

He panted, looking at Richie who seemed to be at the loss of words. Such a rare sight he thought to himself. He turned his back to Richie feeling his eyes were too heavy, couldn't hold tears anymore. He blinked few times, and wiped them quickly not wanting to completely break down. It hurt. It so fucking hurt, but at least Stan felt that his friend was honest with him and he appreciated that. He gulped, trying to swallow the huge knot that formed in his throat. 

He moved to the sink, trying to gather all the supplies that he needed to finally fix Richie up. He was so focused on keeping control over his trembling hands that it took him a moment to notice that the silence between them was now broken with little sobs, followed by a thud. He turned around to see that Richie was now sitting on the floor, keeping his legs tightly to his chest and shaking uncontrollably. Stan felt his heart twitch painfully in his chest and in no moment he was sitting right next to the boy, his arms wrapped around him, careful not to hurt his hand more.

“I’m sorry- I’m so, so sorry-” Richie whispered and if Stan wasn’t so close he wouldn’t hear him.

“Shut up, Richie.” Stan said softly, taking off his friend’s glasses and placing them on the shelf. He let him rest his head on his chest, burying hand in dark locks. He felt his heart break into smaller and smaller pieces with every sob. “It’s okay, you don’t have to say anything. I shouldn’t have said anything. Guess hanging out with you made my mouth trash as well.”

He earned a small chuckle from the boy in his embrace, but it didn’t calm him down, not even a bit. This whole evening, the sudden urge to go for a walk so late in the night, finding Richie all messed up in the middle of the empty street, so far away from his home and him acting just weird for the good ol’ Trashmouth Tozier...it all raised so many questions Stan was too afraid to ask, although deep inside he felt he knew the answers and it made his guts twitch. 

They’ve been sitting on the floor for god knows how long, when Richie spoke again, and when he did, Stan’s heart sank.

“It’s my father, you know.” his voice was hoarse, he cleared his throat, and continued. “He came back yesterday. I don’t even know what have I done wrong this time, all I remember is that he hit me twice and shoved me. Believe me or not, but I didn’t even want to say anything. I’ve just run away, and I ran and ran and ran...and next thing I know is that you found me, I don’t even remember what street was that.”

Stan closed his eyes and let out a breath he had no idea he had been holding. He knew it. He felt the anger crawling up his guts and clutch his heart. 

“You’re staying here today.” he just whispered after a moment, but they both knew he didn’t have to. He just wanted to feel that he can do something at the time. He placed soft kiss on the top of his head and slowly untangling them he got up. “I’ll bring you towels and some clothes to wear. You can clean yourself. I- I believe you can take care of yourself, Richie.”

Stan sat on his bed dressed up in his pajamas, waiting for Richie to leave the bathroom. He was looking at no particular thing on the wall, hugging himself with one arm and chewing on thumb of the other hand. He still was worried. He was worried that in the morning he won’t be able to stop Richie from leaving, he was worried that his friend has to come back to the place he has this misfortune of calling his home, he was worried that next time (oh God, please don’t let next time happen, oh please) he won’t find him. 

The door to Stan’s room opened and Richie came in. He still looked miserable but seemed relaxed now. He closed the door behind him and sat next to Stan.

“Where do I-”

“Here, with me.” Stan cut in, sending him reassuring smile.  He moved his hand, almost unconsciously, wanting to move Richie’s hair from his face and touch his bruised cheek, but he stopped halfway through. Richie licked his lips eyeing Stan, his hand now hung in the air and Stan again. He caught his friend’s wrist and awkwardly placed his palm on his cheek, leaning a bit to the touch.

Stan felt his mouth dry out, his heart running mile per second. He wanted to say a lot of things that have been weighing his heart since he can remember, but all he managed to do was to caress Richie’s face gently and press a kiss to his forehead.

When they finally settled down under the covers, Stan was laying on his side, facing Richie’s back. He was worried for whatever the next day may bring, but at least right then and there Richie was here, all safe and good. That had to be enough.

Stan sighed and rolled over. His eyelids felt heavy but other than that he couldn’t think about sleeping that night. He heard the mattress shifting behind him, the other boy moving closer to him. Skinny arm made its way under the blanket and rested on his waist, Richie’s head was now pressed to the back of Stan’s neck. He let out shaky breath.

“Hey Stan?” 

“Yeah?”

“I am happy. You know- that you love me.”

“Go to sleep, Richie.” Stan whispered, closing his eyes and catching Richie’s hand, intertwining their fingers together. 

(A/N) uhh so that’s first ever Stozier fic I’ve worked on (I started writing it about a month ago? Maybe less idk) and I’m actually kind of proud with how it turned out? The only thing I’m unsure about is the title but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Tagging my Stozier partner in crime: @plsshutuprichie <3 

[ishqbaaaaz]

Ishqbaaaz - Sept 26/17 - Episode 376

Hokeyyyyy sorry abut the latest for this one, i had a long day at work!

here we go

Dadi says the shaadi will be in 2 days

ANNIKA GO UP ALL EXCITED

LMAO THEYRE ALL LIKE ????

Now theyre all laughing at her this is amazing

Today is the mehndi ceremony yaaaas

who is this dude

Zakhir? Bruh is this like a promo thing

forwarding sorry

they gotta start all the taiyaari

why is Om volunteering Gauri lmao 

PINKY WHY ARE YOU HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERE

what is her problem

she hates Annika so much so why does she wanna be involved in the wedding 

and when they do involve her she acts all pissy and doesnt do anything

LOL ROAST HER SHIVAAY

“Koi mere aur mere biwi ki khushi mein khushi ho sakta hai, toh aa sakta hai varna...”

Shivaay is still not over this and he shouldnt be because Pinky is trash

dadi getting a call

Annika is back in the room and having a right panic about the shaadi

shes like omg what are we gonna do what am i gonna WEAR

Honey, they put you in ugly clothes does it matter

Shivaay is telling her to breathe

Hes like you’re marrying Shivaay Singh Oberoi ill get you anything you need

HE BROUGHT HER A RING

Hes so rude he wont show her lmao

LALCHI BANDAR???

oh my goodness ahhaha

LOL HES LIKE YOU CAN CALL ME BAGHAD BILLA BUT I CANT CALL YOU A BANDARIA?

Annika is panicking omg

HE THREW A GLASS OF WATER

PAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANI GAMES

Shes like wtf is this

SHE LIKE TELL ME TO BREATHE ONE MORE TIME

SHE THREW A JUG OF WATER

babe, she wins

Paanikaaaaaaa

LOL now shes telling him to breathe

but look how she just casually puts her hands on him now and she doesnt freak out and the touch of him anymore oh my god can they please fuck noww

SHIVAAY IS SO BAD LOL

“Saanse leyni hai yaan kuch aur”

i hate them so much they make me feel sooooo tingly 

GET ENGAGED BABIES

oh no that ring is ugly LOL

The one for their original engagement was so much cuter

HE KISSES THE RING

oh my GOD

shes so excited about her ring shes like its so pretty

HE SAYS NOT MORE THAN YOU

uff that shit gets me every time

She has his ring all ready too

i have friggin goosebumps on my body LOL

SHES KISSING HIS HAND GOODBYE FRIENDS

look her her lipstick on his hand ahhaa

THESE FLASHBACKS ARE GETTING ME HYPE

What a damn bitch lmao

hes acting as if his cut hurts so she’ll kiss it

AND SHE DID

I CANNNNNOOOT

Honestly face touching is my fav thing ever

Next dayyy

Shivaay telling Khanna there shouldnt be any security breaches LOL does this mean there will be one because apparently Khanna doesnt do his job

Shivaay is arranging his own mehndi

Jhavni is so happy to see Shivaay all changed

HE WANTS THE BEST ORGANIC MEHNDI FOR HIS WIFEEE

fuck me up

Annika looks so effing pretty

LOL SHE SAID THANK YOU AND HE GOT WORRIED

Shes like no its ook chill lmao

Shes like the ring is so pretty like WOW

and hes like OMG U REMINDED ME

reminded her of what

Vows? 

MARRIAGE VOWS?

Do ya’ll do that in indian weddings? correct me if im wrong but isnt that what the phere are? the vows? 

Annika is confused af

Hes like no not wow, VOW

and hes like bite your lower lip

LOL Shivaay are u sure you arent asking for something else

Hes like its vachan, promises theyre called Vows 

and shes like you wrote yours??

and hes like yeah lmfao this bitch

Shivaay that isnt fair

HE SAYS HES ALL CHARGED UP TO TELL HER IN FRONT OF EVERYONE

shes like k

he asks her if shes ready

shes like bitch u told me this today how am i supposed to write them 

Hes like its alright you can do it

its v-v-v-vOW

“Starring at my lips?” SHIVAAY LOL

Annika is in panic mode

Rudra? What happened? In the last episode it ended with him, Bhavya and Manav at the door

wtf Bhavya is in shaadi clothes

ARE YOU MARRYING MANAV?

uhh isnt that Tia’s wedding dress

omg it is

Annika is trying to write her vows and is struggling

Shes wishes Sahil is there

and here he is!

Shes telling him about the vows and she needs help

SHE WANTS SAHIL TO STEAL SHIVAAY’S VOWS LMAO

mere izzat ka sawal hai omg

Sahil and Annika are so cute i cant

Rudra is mada at Bhavya

hes like what about our connection??

shes like you cant maintain a connection all your life in which you keep looking for flaws

TELL HIM BHAVYA

ROAST THIS BITCH

hes like i apologized 

shes like so?

shes like u probably cant believe a girl my age could find anyone

hes like I APOLOGIZED WHY U STILL MAD

shes like really???

shes like lets finish whatever this is and just maintain and respect our friendship

LOL she told him to leave

hes like dosti?

RUDRA

HOW DARE YOU

“Aur kitne dost hai jin ke saath room share kar chuki ho tum”

RUDRA IS GARBAGE

ALL YOU OBEROI BOYS

OH MY GOD

BHAVYA IS SO MAD 

SAME BABY

tells him she isnt worthy of being her friend anymore

THATS RIGHT ROAST HIS ASS

LEAVE HIM

YA’LL OBEROIS DONT DESERVE YOUR WOMEN  AHHHHHHHHHHH

Sahil is looking for the vows

LOL SHIVAAY SEES HIM

he knew she would send Sahil

he put the vows in front of him and Sahil is all excited

Sahil’s like awww shit

Sahil is giving a paper to Annika

bruh its gonna be something else

LMFAO ITS A ROAST LETTER

SHIVAAY AHAHAH

Sahil is like Im not doing your dirty work anymore

hes like im leavinggggg

Annika you’re on your own now bby LOL

Om and Rudra are thinking about their lady problems

they lying to each other by saying theyre okay but they have to hide it from Shivaay

And the ceremony begins!

Look at Annika i cannot

SHIVAAY ALSO LOOKS HELLA HOT

GOOD LOOKING PEOPLE ARE GOOD LOOKING

hes like are you done your vows?

shes like uh yeah

hes like you didnt write anything

shes like bitch i dont need paper, i have my memory

start the mehndi

Khanna says the mehndi didnt arrive

why is it khanna’s job to get the mehndi hes your BODYGUARD

Um Pinky why are you adding your input no one asked for it

Shivaay is calling the mehndi people 

lol theres traffic

Our new entry has arrrived on his motorcycle

im not sure why theres new entries

WE HAVE ENOUGH CHARACTERS ON THIS SHOW THAT YOU CANT MANAGE THEIR SCREEN TIME

Shivaay apologizes to Annika for the lateness

THIS BITCH JUST BUSTED THROUGH THE DOORS OF THE OBEROI MANSION

KHANNA ARE YOU EVER WORKING

this baccha looks like a young Gurmeet Chodhary

Precap: Shivaay is saying his vows to Annika

these sound familiar

OH MY GOD

OH OD MHYG

THESE VOWS

THEYRE THE VOWS MIKE SAID TO PHOEBE ON THEIR WEDDING DAY ON FRIENDS

I FUCKIN CANNOT ITS ALMOST WORD FOR WORD

IM DYING

ILL DO A COMARISON FOR THE NEXT EPISODE BLOG BUT IM DYING ITS THE SAME

[thehalfworld]

Fanfic MST: Forbiden Fruit: The Tempation of Edward Cullen, a Twilight fanfic [part 4]

I’m on a roll.

There’s more rape in this one; it’s not really described in detail, though. There are also references to what occurred in the last chapter, and an instance of mostly consensual sexual activity (although it stops short of actual sex).

Recap: Last chapter, Tiaa’s foster parents Dave and Marie left on a trip, leaving her in the care of “Uncle Larry” (Dave’s brother), who promptly began beating and raping Tiaa. After one such incident, she ran off into the woods and encountered a strange man who claimed to be her father before blacking out.

Chapter 1

Previous chapter

AN = No flames pls, theres no point!if u dnt like my story dnt read it, its as simple as that!

I never got the whole “don’t like, don’t read” thing. How can you know if you like it if you haven’t read it?

btw atlantiana is NOT marisue be cause look she is NOT perfect and not everyone in the stiry likes her! she has problems and she has flaws and shes UNHAPPY would u like her life?i no i wouldnt, its totally tragic and horible.u flamers arent even makin sense1

Having bad things happen to your character doesn’t make her less of a Mary Sue. Loads of Sues have tragic backstories. Look at Batman.

Chapter 4 - la push

I sat quitely on the la push beech apart form the party that was going on beside me. Mike Nooton was following me round like a pulpy and he was so borin! None of the things he had to say were interesting but I was nice to him because he wasnt a bad guy.

That’s actually pretty in-character for the guy, if I remember the Twilight Saga correctly. He’s nice, but not very interesting. I think Bella even made the puppy comparison at one point.

My thoughts were elsewhere - i could'nt stop thinking about the events of last night, when uncle larry had raped me and I had had my scary vision in the forest and a tall p[ale guy in my mind had cale me his daughter. I didnt understand any of I felt so so awful that I had been rapped by that hideous pervy SICKO when I had bin saving myself for the right guy and for marriage and my virginity was torn from my grasp by that twisted guy, it was so crule and unfair, it made me want to cry

So uh… what happened after she blacked out in the woods? Was her dad gone when she woke up? Did Uncle Larry do anything else to her after she returned home? Did she return home?

"omg MIKE watt are you doing talkin to HER?" I turned round and saw four nasty faces learing at us. It was the chearleaders I had seen in the cafetearia, and one of them was the girl dateing Ewdard Cullen, the brown hare girl who was standing at the back looking moody but not saying anything

You know her name! You’ve called her by name before!

"Stop being mean Jessica" mike said angerly "tiaas' awesome and if you can't see that its just you bein blind and shallow and stupid like your all ways are"

Think this is the author calling out her flamers or what?

"yah I mean look at her clothes, she looks like a stupid goth biaach with her slutty top and short skirt and fithnet tights is she a RAT HOOKER or what?" Jessica screamed.

Man, I love this fic. “RAT HOOKER” is a great insult.

She was realy ugly when she shouted even though she was technology a hot chick and was dressed in skimpy pink clothes.

I don’t remember Jessica that well from the books, but I think she was described as short and a chatterbox. I don't think she was a cheerleader or had a particular fondness for pink. Also she was dating Mike at one point after Bella set them up with each other.

"you no what Jess, you and YOur frends are SO shallow and YOU are the real slut! you and bella and angela and laruen may were short skirts and low cut tops an stuff but that doesnt maek u beautiful! Its watt underneath that counts!" mike shouted

Wait, so are they sluts because they wear revealing clothes or because of their behavior? Because right here it seems like Mike is criticizing them based on how they dress, which is a bit weird when we remember Tiaa also wears revealing clothing (“fishnet top” ring a bell?).

"yah, speakin of witch" said a sly blond girl in the gang who was called lauren, pointing at me "watts with her breasts, they are huge, I bet they are fake!- she laughed and her friends all laughed too even bella and angela who had been quiet until then.

I don’t remember a damn thing about Lauren or Angela but I remember they both existed. One of them was definitely shy but I don’t remember which.

I got up and pushed past them and ran away into the darkness. I cold hear them all laughing at me and i felt so embarrased I was relay sensitive about the waste I looked I hated the fact that it made all girls hate me and all guys stare at me, I would have given anything to be ugly or just inviable. I wasnt stuck up and didnt think I was beta than anyone else because of how I looked I just wanted people to treat me like a normal person! I could'nt help being slim and blond with relay big boobs it wasnt my fault I hadnt done anything wrong!

Remember in chapter 1 when Tiaa talked about how she used to be self-conscious about her appearance but got over it and now doesn’t care what people say about her?

-are u ok?" said someone from beside me

If you don’t have that MCR song playing in your head right now I don’t know what’s wrong with you.

"who arr you?" i asked. 3 realy pretty goth girls were standing there smilin at me and I smiled back

Oh, of course, the Sue’s backup choir.

-we are tyffani, abigaille and rochelle" they said smiling "you seem cool, do you want to be our freinds?"

I like the idea that Tiaa could be multiple friends.

Judging from the names, these three are children of that white mom whose baby name photo went viral on the internet. The one who named her kid Lakynn or something.

"ya of course, i'm just a bit meloncolly cause those horrible chearleaders were bein mean jerks and saying my boobs were fake" i said

"omg, u mean jessica and bellas gang? They hate us too because we dont care what they think" said tyfanni "they are just jealous cause youre the prettiest girl in the school now and theyre all plain next to you but we dont care about stuff like that, we only care about peoples personalities “

“That’s why we made sure to talk about how pretty we think you are.”

"cool" I said, and we talked for hours

I talked to tyfanni, rochelle and abigail for hours and they were so cool.

How long was that again?

I'd never had proper freinds before who didnt care watt i looked like or where I came from they just liked me for me, and I liked them cause they were uber cool and we had loads of stuff in common! But after a while they all went home and I stayed on the beech.

Glad we skipped the scene where Tiaa has fun with her friends so that we can get back to the part where Uncle Larry assaults her again. Nice to see the author prioritizing.

It was getting late but I didnt want to go home to uncle larry in case he raped me on his car again.

Phrasing seems to imply that if he raped her in a different location it would be alright.

Soddenly I heard a voice from behind me.

I hope “soddenly” is an intentional double entendre.

"well tiaa, thou seem to be causing quite a stir at school" his voice was smooth and sexoy and from another time.

Who could this be?

Edward.

Never would have guessed!

"what do you mean!" I demanded

"basically every gay at school wants to have sex with thee, and every girl wants to eat thee alive for it, hows that for causing a stir my lady?" he smiled and kissed my neck.

Wait, every gay at school? Including the gay boys? This girl is powerful.

"shut up jerk! Btw I met youre girlfriend before, bella I think her name is! I dont like her or anything, but how the hell can u cheat on her like that and kiss me how u did? Its sick ur a cheatin bastard and i should tell everyone. Tyfanni told me you and bella are like the schools golden couple or something, watt would happen if I told ppl how you had acted in that corridoor with me?"

Uh… the fic would go in a direction I don’t expect it to and it might be redeemed somewhat by at least being less predictable?

"OMG SWEET LADY! THY MUST NOT TELL ANYONE! " he screamed "it was a moment of madness thats all! Im so so sorry for watt happened,i hope thine can forgive me, but ive promised myself to bella and thats just how it is, no matter how much thou intrests me"

Use of OMG may seem anachronistic, but that abbreviation has actually been in use since the early 1900s, so it’s totally reasonable that Edward might use it. Although probably not out loud.

"fine, then stay away from me " I shouted as I left to go home but he followed me and grabbed me and pushed me down on the grind.

I think he’s sending mixed signals.

I was burning with anger and fury but I wanted him so deafly i didnt even try to resist him.

So deafly?

He new how much i wanted him and it drove me mad. He put his hands inside my panties and i gasped. I was soddenly desperate to sex with him and i tore my clothes off and i was in my underwear.

Again, I hope that’s innuendo, but in this fic it’s actually possible the author thinks “suddenly” is spelled like that.

I took off my bra and showed him my naked heaving beasts.

Nothing turns a guy on like naked heaving beasts!

"have sex with me now edward " I whispered

" i cant " he said, although his body was on top of mine and his fingers touched my nipples

"please, i'm begging you" I said, hating myself for being such a dirty hore but unable to control my burning desire

No one in this fic has any self-control whatsoever, huh?

-NOOOO!" he shouted and ran away crying.

I put my clothes back on slowly feeling so ashamed and embarased i could hardly move. I could'nt beleive i had begged him to do sex on me and even worse he had said no!

Okay, I guess Edward has a tiny bit of self-control. Which is good, as he is a vampire and would probably be eating people left and right if he was totally unable to control himself.

I went home and uncle larry made me cook his dinner and suck his cock while he ate his food and then he raped me and hit me with a shoe all night and i didnt even complain cos i felt like i deserved it for being such a horrible slut even though it made me want to die inside.

Bread, eggs, milk, squick. Uncle Larry seems more interested in hitting Tiaa than raping her, incidentally.

Uncle larry finally left me alone and I thought about killing myself as i cryed and cryed as i fell slowly into a dreamless sleep.

Aw.

Next chapter

[amazingviralinfo]

Everyones entitled to their opinions, and therefore, mine is this: Trashy is such a loose term.

Sure, no twowomen act or carry themselves the same way,but its extremely hard to define someone as trashy without actually knowing them or their background.

To me, trashy refers to actual piles of garbage. My mind immediately turnsto a dark, stretchy Hefty bag, filled with Band-Aids and leftover meatloaf.

When I think of a trashy girl, I think of a girl living her best life. If shes out there partying and doing her thing, you cant judge.

I also think of a girl in a literal trash bag, butin a classy way. Think Lady Gaga circa 2010, when she rolled up to the MTV Video Music Awards in a meat dress. Eleganza at its finest, I tell ya.

But referring to a girl as trashy just for living her life probably means youre overwhelmed by jealousy because of how cool she is.

Giphy

Now, not all men may agree with my above reasonings.

A handful of gentlemen took to Reddit to express their thoughts on what makes a woman trashy, and well, their responses are the actual worst.

Apparently, being trashy means being promiscuous in public.

most of the time when I've thought "jesus this girl is trashy" she was doing sexual things for attention in public.

/u/_balance_

This guy thinks being trashy is the femaleequivalent to being a douchebag.

A woman being "trashy" is much the same thing as a guy being a typical "douchebag" or "tool".

Shitty clothes in the wrong situations.

Obnoxious tattoos

Over use of profanity

Resorting to violence or the threat of it

Just being a generally shitty person quite honestly.

/u/Nutrientpolecat

If screaming YAAAAAS constitutes as trashy, consider me anactual dumpster.

Wearing clothing that doesn't fit the situation.

Club dress to a restaurant/job interview/everywhere

Exercise clothing to church

Badly done make up

Screaming Yaaass/Woooo

/u/Cabrillis

OK, so hardcore drugs make you a little trashy, but still, no judgment.

Meth.

/u/GucciJesus

According to this guy,not being able to apply eyeliner will turn you into human trash.

Impolite, violent, loud, poorly dressed, bad makeup, easy.

/u/-Schweinehund-

Are you a bad parent? Yep, then I guess youre trashy to this guy.

SHITTY KIDS that they are not parenting.

It's not the kids fucking fault: their mom is still trying to live the trash life and party, and pay as little attention to the kids as possible because they were accidents. But the kids have terrible behavior because they can't get any fucking real attention or structure from their mom.

The sure kicker of this is that mom posts on facebook "MY KIDS ARE MY LIFE MY HEART AND SOUL" and then you see those /r/trashy pictures of them trying to get men interested by posing in shitty clothes with their fat tits and ass hanging out with a fucking trashpile of a house in the back and the poor kids are in frame.

Fuck that trash. I left Florida so that I could literally go a day without seeing that garbage every day of my life.

/u/midlifefuckingcrisis

All of these guys deem tattoos to be a clear indication of trashy.

Bad tattoos are a big indicator.

/u/Whatsthedealwithair-

Face piercings

dress inappropriate for the occasion

over abundance of tats

badly applied makeup/giant hoop earrings/fake tans

being overly noisy and argumentative at inappropriate times/inappropriate places

being inconsiderate, stupid, and mean

addictions and dependencies

having kids way too young or with deadbeats that they have zero commitment with

dounced in cheap perfume

tries to solve things with violence especially getting other to do the violence for them

Crazy unemployable hair styles

poorly done cosmetic surgeries

/u/Paratrooper_19D

Remember that a tattoo is art and a lot of art sucks. Attaching low quality art to yourself for a lifetime is trashy.

/u/MighMoS

This guy is apparently an eyebrow expert and thinks overdone brows are the trashiest of trash.

Eyebrows that look like they were drawn on with a thick sharpie or plucked so much that they are no longer there.

/u/Dat37tho

Oh, sure, the spelling of someonesnamesignals theyre trash.

Wearing clothes that are way too small or way too big.

Wearing clothes that are falling apart.

Dirty nails

Covering up your day old makeup with more makeup.

Really cheap or homemade tattoos.

If your name ends in an "i" the trash value doubles.

If your name is Krystal, the trash value doubles.

/u/st0nedt0theb0ne

This guy thinks being trashy is more about attitude than looks.

Having no or little manners. Being inconsiderate and obnoxious in public. Being needlessly antagonistic. Having a typical trashy ghetto attitude. Abusing alcohol and acting like a cunt. Dressing /acting like a slob or extremely inappropriately for a given social setting.

Really being trashy is more about being a selfish, narcissistic asshole "who jus don give a fuk!!" more than anything else.

While trashy women may have ugly or stupid tattoos, too much makeup, stupid looking piercings, or other tacky accessories; being trashy is more about attitude and personality than how one looks. There's plenty of trashy looking people that are actually not very trashy at all.

/u/TickTockTomb

This guy thinks making a personal Facebook status equalstrash.

Airing their dirty laundry in Facebook.

/u/CorneliusHelius

And, well, I guess these men are fashionistas because theyre judging you on your outfits.

to much make up badly aplied make up weird tan poor fashion sense flirts with everything wearing highheels she can barely walk in

/u/Don_Camillo005

Wearing fleece PJ pants in public. Bonus points for greasy hair.

/u/Norse_of_60

Like I originally said, everyone is entitled to their own opinion.

And my opinion is that these men are completely wrong except for maybe the meth one. Dont do drugs, kids.

[survivedeathvalley]

EPISODE 1 - “TIME FOR SOME BRO AND TELL” - GIRUGA MESH

I am so excited to be competing! Everyone seems like such nice people and I can't wait to play in the challenges and do my very best!

Mattie is such a Basic Bitch(TM) and it's killing me. Like I'm not that great of an actress, I am a superb liar but I am a shitty actress. Why? because humor is the only thing that keeps me from going insane and I made Mattie such a basic bitch that she can't use any of my "quirks" or fun thoughts and theories. And now Mattie just mentioned death by dehydration, motherfucker! I am so going to be first boot it's not even funny. UwU

I just wanna talk about my feelings about being on the neutral tribe... I do consider myself on the Chaotic Neutral/Chaotic Good side of things. The chaos comes from my crazy emotions. I'm a Pisces so I'm sensitive and emotional. Also I'm actually kinda happy about being on a tribe of 6 people. I NATURALLY gravitate towards Bianca. I know who Paul is cause he slipped up in the tribe chat. So I feel good :)

OK SO i said i was retired but i adore logan and i wanna see what i can do without my baggage of the past that fukt me in ts all stars so phew. the people on my team seem chill, idk why but for some reason i get the feeling that theyre younger than me which doesnt make sense since im only 20 but anyway. I know that i type very specially and use phrases a lot so its gonna be hard to stop doing that bc if any of these people know me at all its gonna be a dead giveaway! 

So I've spent all day at Disney World today and I finally get back to the hotel and come online to speak to my tribe.  No one has talked to me one on one yet so... yeah,  no idea.  I said in the main chat I just got off work and I checked online to see Chick-fil-a's hours to make sure my story checked out too. :* We'll see what happens, on to figuring out this challenge!

First off: When I read this... Confess your sins, your dirty-dirty bad bads, your evil twisted thoughts here. It made me think of the dialogue in a bad porno. http://31.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lthhgjZ1xY1qg39ewo1_500.gif Second off: I do quite enjoy the concept of this alias season. I like the idea of going into the game as a fresh face with a fresh personality and playing along with other people that I don't have any idea of. It kind of rekindles the fun that I have when I get to play in seasons with newbies. http://mashable.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/07/excited-baby.gif Then, of course, I remember that these are not newbies so some of that fire loses a little oxygen. https://media.giphy.com/media/BmMU3LOfNMMeI/giphy.gif But, I'll try to convince myself that we're all playing for the first time. 

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So far I've noticed a few things about my tribemates. I don't think anything can be applied specifically to the individual given that I haven't really reached a stage to call people out... but, some of them are hung up on the fact that this a catfish season. When messaging them they tell me that it's awkward and when I tell them that the dog in my profile picture is my dog Donut they ask if it is "for real". I'm trying to play up this characters of Jenny for them because I thought that was the goal and I need these people to get on board. https://media.giphy.com/media/KGHtHISczyhHO/giphy.gif

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Wow, that last bit probably makes me come off as quite the rude person. Yikes! I need to get over myself a little. I get that easing ones self into a new situation can be challenging... sooo I'll give them a shot while continuing to respond to any and all questions and comments as Jenny would. http://replygif.net/i/440.gif

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So far I think my favorite people are Tanner, Kai, and Adelaide. I'd like to think I'd enjoy Wash as well but they went to bed shortly after starting communication with me. I don't think (so far as I know and god I hope not) that anyone has come up with a plan to ally yet so I'm just going to continue chatting to get my feelers in those waters. http://media1.giphy.com/media/BqHng2hpjOUdW/giphy.gif

Hopefully Jenny will appear charming enough to begin allying with these people. She needs some throats to slit later down the road and can only start to burn the bridges once she's built them - unfortunately!

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Alright, so I wanted to show my excitement at this game because I've played a real-life version called Tsuro with my friends where you are dragons and I'm hugely board game obsessed... but that's nowhere in Jenny's character and I don't feel like making any content about her up unless I absolutely have to! https://uberflip.cdntwrk.com/files/aHViPTIxOCZjbWQ9aXRlbWVkaXRvcmltYWdlJmZpbGVuYW1lPWl0ZW1lZGl0b3JpbWFnZV81NmQ4NDkzNzFjM2I0LmdpZiZ2ZXJzaW9uPTAwMDAmc2lnPTIxMTE0OTVlM2I1Y2M2NWVlYjMzOTE3OTcyMDExZmI0 Also, I was being truthful when I said the challenge is hard... like, I guess I'm having some difficulties processing the path or something because I keep crashing absurdly early. I'm hoping that by tomorrow when others have played it they will be able to talk me through getting a decent score so our tribe doesn't have to go and I won't have to face the possibility of being first boot (which is likely).

Ok! So basically, Kat just asked me for an alliance??? It's legit night one like chill, but obviously I ain't gunna turn down an ally so i'll play along. I was like "OMG YAHHH I NEVER HAVE ALLIES ON SURVIVOR ORGS" hopefully that makes her think im like a 100% on board... in realist im like 40% on board. It's SHADee as FUCK to try and propose an alliance so early... Also, Giruga (or whatever) is legit annoying as fuck. I think ever sentence he has said thus far has the word "bro" in it? Like can you not be annoying as fuck for no reason... I get it is an alias season, but they dont give you no free pass to be as obnoxious as possible. Praying we win this challenge... hopefully get first because I could totally use a reward with possibility of an advantage in the game. GIMME THAT IDOL. If we do happen to lose I cant wait for the ugly bro culture of Giruga to be the first boot this season deserves.

Honestly I love my tribe and everyone seem so nice  Not knowing who people really are is kinda crazy but I'll get use to it. 

That challenge was crazy and I'm glad it's almost over with. 

I'm bored so I'm just gonna... make another confessional. What does this alias twist mean to me? I wanna be able to make the most of it and be able to play the game I'm never capable of playing as my real self. As who am actually am I suck at seperating emotion and strategy so I'm gonna try to be as emotionless as possible, which I actually think will be easy considering idk who anyone is....... except 2 people perhaps. Anyway time to flop at this challenge xoxox give me a good edit please

i'm typing like gabby bc i don't wanna get out of practice. why is it that the only person that talks to me is misty? bianca i c that u're on and you don't respond to me you're the first person im gonna target. i swear i've sent a 'hey' message to every1 on my tribe and the only one that responded was MISTY.  then marco or whatever his name is hasn't even accepted my friend request yet... i see how it is.

Later...

I mean I figured we didn't do fantastic but losing by over half.... sucks.  a lot.  Misty and uh.... someone else just called Marco out for not accepting anyones friend request... maybe that means we can vote him out this round to ensure I stay. :) 

https://youtu.be/NSE7BsDWti0

https://youtu.be/mn4vdHFOM88

I forgot we were the Titus tribe but then I realized we got 2nd so I am very proud of my tribe! We did it yay!

So we just got 2nd and are immune this week I'm so happy. Whoever gets voted out will be crazy bc no one wants to be first boot but the weakest should go!

So, not only does Kat approach me as an alliance, but i just got approached by William and Layla, too? Damn I cant believe im winning this game :))) Anyway, supposedly Kat and William are ORG newbies? Not sure if that is a lie, but that doesnt shrink their targets by any means... Also thank the fucking survivor gods this Bro bitch aint on our tribe for the next 20 hours!!!! I hope he burns in the Devil's butthole along with his meninst culture.

So UMMMM I'm gonna just spearhead this plan to get Marco out cause he hasn't spoken... at all. I'm not afraid to take control of my tribe at this point cause the inacts gotta go. Mattie/Gabby are both pretty active so I wanna work with them. Bianca's my goddess so I wanna work with her too. It sucks she got removed or else I would've formed a majority with them. Rn I'm telling everyone "If you watch out for me I'll do the same for you blah blah blah" and making deals w/ everyone because that's how I play! Let's hope it works out xoxoxo

okay, i've been trying to be a super sleuth to figure out these identities...  I really think that Misty is really Nic.  Misty is from Georgia and Nic is from Georgia, and I think they are from around the same area.  Nic knows that I am from Georgia and now he knows that Gabby is from Georgia too so I hope he doesn't put it together, I think that I'm typing differently enough and I lowkey think he believes that whoever is behind Gabby really works at chick fil a because I've been doing my homework. I'm not sure who Mattie is yet, but I'm having a hard time NOT mentioning how much I love Glee because then I think people would obviously know who I am- or they would think that I'm Ashley Sarah, but Mattie was talking about Scream Queens and I desperately wanted to say I LOVE LEA MICHELE but I kept my cool. I lowkey think that Mattie might be Pippa though, they remind me of each other.   Everyone else....?  I still have no idea. 

Not much has happened so far. I've talked to a few people but nothing has really moved forward. I was happy to go to the devil's hole, although I didn't end up finding anything. I'm glad I got a chance to meet people from the other tribes though. It was interesting to find out that they have people who haven't even spoken in tribe chat yet? That's crazy. Also it's fun to try to guess who's who. I mean, it's possible I don't even already know the people on my tribe, but it's still fun to try to figure out who they could be. I haven't really gotten there yet. Although I wonder if Alex Raine is a bit new to the community because he's a comp beast, yet he's showing it and making it obvious and making himself a target. I don't know, he seems cool and we've talked a bit, but come merge that could be tricky for him. In terms of alliances, there aren't any yet that I'm really aware of, but Jenny and Alex are the only ones I've talked to that much and I'd be happy to work with them, despite being a little nervous that Alex is a target. He's nice and hopefully his social game is as good as his physical.

aaaaa  i got 378 score   aaaa

Bye I'm going home today...  I'm shook at how fast this game started and I saw in the tribe chat that people were complaining that I hadn't added anyone yet but I didn't get any contact requests from any of them either hm!! Anyway unless I can pull myself out of the dirt somehow I'm totally screwed right now... im an easy target bc I was not here the first day and easy targets are always just easy to vote out the first week rip...

Nothing really. I haven't acted on my plans of being an aggressive player this season, so maybe I'll adapt and get a new strategy going later. Good luck to me

Right now I feel like a mess because I keep forgetting to check skype and missing important stuff. But right now the general consensus according to Misty is to vote out Marco because he literally does not exist and hasn't added any of us. I love a good first round flop. I feel like if I start showing my fabulous personality I could have a good shot at surviving if we go to tribal again, however people might be weary of me now that I've gone to the Devil's Hole, even though I got nothing. Rob wouldn't even let me keep the rock. :'(

I can't believe I'm pippa 

these bitches are so bland and boring BYE

Why did I make Kat so happy and grammatically correct all the time I'm so used to keyboard smashing like jsjsjahajak. I literally cringe every time I add an exclamation point like pls... settle down... I regret this so much nnnn. Anyways- The people I'm closest to rn are Dianna and William because we have an alliance. I'm also good with Giruga, but that's probably because he's such a talkative person-- and so is Dianna. It's really important for me to show my worth to these people so they don't target me because social players run the early premerge. I think I'm doing a pretty good job of that so far. I'm also playing it off like this is my first time playing an org, which will make me seem less threatening. I don't really know if that'll play off since we're all catfish, but I figure the more utr I am right now the better. 

Well, I can't get into my Paul account so I'm probably being voted out. Peace ✌️ 

EP 1 EDGIC

http://prntscr.com/f4zaus

[mystery-snail]

hello it’s time for Whine Time ™ (kind of private maybe dont read, its just me bitching about some stuff but if you have dealt with the gross/ugly sides of depression or anxiety and you genuinely feel you have advice that might help go ahead. but i promise this isn’t anything juicy or interesting, it just felt good to vent while i waited for my homework to upload)

so ive been having some shitty fallouts after i came home and returned to school after surgery. i had tried to plan ahead (i did all my homework ahead of time, made sure i stayed in touch with teachers, got extensions, etc). but the recovery was a whole week more than it was supposed to be and i spent that week lazing around and playing games when i could have been catching up

ive been so freaked out about everything that ive completely fallen off the radar. i feel like im faking all of this and everyones going to find out that im not smart or organized or happy when they see me fail. im supposed to graduate in may and my mom wants to have a party, and she said she’d do all the planning, but every ten minutes is an email or a text demanding i drop everything and help. i tried saying i cant and she didnt even adknowledge it. i have so many projects due and appointments with doctors and i have already made a commitment to return to work tomorrow. i cant leave work again (i was gone for 2 weeks and theyre slammed, understaffed, its only a 2 hour shift etc)

my life has fallen apart and im doing stuff ive never done when im depressed. my room is full of food garbage and its starting to smell. my bed is covered in clothes but i dont even know whats clean or dirty. i dont sleep because i get so anxious and guilty that im not doing homework or working on something. my floor is a mess and i cant even make myself take care of my body. i havent brushed my hair in almost 3 days. i wear the same jeans, hoodie, and shoes every day because i cant take time to care. i cant even eat. i have been drinking meal replacement shakes and eating toast. sometimes i can eat small things or soft things, like nuts and jello. my body feels terrible but taking time to cook or even sit down and eat feels like im being lazy

my boyfriend says to just chill out and everything will be okay. but if i relax i feel worse - chilling out wont help. ill be so freaked out the whole time that i wont actually be relaxing or taking a break, just laying still and mentally planning all the ways i can cram all my obligations into my long day. i do it every night until i fall asleep, if i even manage to. then im so tired the next day that im afraid people will notice im not happy or confident or put together like they all say i am, and im gonna let them all down and make them all mad when they find out im not good at anything at all

i dont even know where to start. cleaning my room takes time i could spend on homework. eating takes too much time also, and i dont even feel hungry anyway. my stomach hurts but i dont care enough to pay attention and eventually it goes away. my homework isnt stuff i can bang out in quick succession, but ive been trying. i do a response during my break instead of eating. i read when i walk between classes. i stay up late until i cant think right and then when i try to sleep i just cant relax, so i stay up later and try to get progress done. 

i feel like i set myself up months ago with all these obligations and now im just being torn in every direction by all the expectations around me. 2 semester-long projects due in a few weeks. one semester long paper, and the next section is due tuesday. a semester long 2 day lesson plan that must be completed in extreme detail, due soon. two group projects coming up, but none of us have talked about anything, read anything, or even contacted each other. i had a group teach tonight - i had to make the whole lesson plan (and we were still late to turn it in) all night last night and didnt sleep until 5 something, and then woke up at 630 cause my mom texted me with party stuff again. now i have weekly essays to do, weekly responses, weekly online posts (and now those arne’t just single posts, they’re groups of 11 threads i have to watch videos in, analyze, and respond to. this week it took 6 hours to do them all and i have to do it all again next week). i have to read all of a book on teaching ethic so i can present that in ANOTHER group project in a few weeks. I have to distribute my big fiction piece tomorrow and i already printed it (13 copies, 300 pages total) but i realized i forgot to update it with a title and cant spare the time before class to print new first pages, so i have to stay up tonight and annotate the actual title, cross out the untitled label, and then sit through the critique on monday when everyone says it was unprofressional i didnt have a title and i get marked down

ive missed so much class and work and i can say no to anyone. i feel guilty for everything and i recognize im falling apart and this isnt okay but i cant ask for help, i dont want to, i cant make it happen. i feel like i dont deserve anything and i did this to myself, i chose this. its all gonna fall apart and im the only one to blame.

i dont even know where to start in getting control back. ive never had this kind of breakdown before. everyone keeps saying ‘oh well you had major surgery you have to relax and take it slow’ but they dont understand. they feel bad for me cause they think im someone who deserves a break, but i got 2 weeks to be lazy and do nothing. they all think im on top of everything and that i can manage more time off, but i cant. i cant just step away because if i do i fail everything. i got all A’s last semester and now everyone expects me to do it again, but ill be lucky to graduate. i have a’s right now but its all gonna fall apart soon. stuff is falling through the cracks and im trying to compensate by ignoring other stuff, like food and sleep. but im so afraid ill fumble and lose something more important and ill fail a class and not graduate. i already forgot my advising appointment yesterday because im fucking stupid and was distracted with playing on tumblr between classes

i just cant get the control back. i deserve this and i dont know how to fix it. its my fault and i have to deal with it all

my depression doesnt manifest like this. its always binge-eating and changing my life positively to fight back. but i cant fight this time. i cant eat and i cant sleep. i cant focus and i cant even prioritize all the stuff im juggling

i just dont know what to do any more.

[formalsocks]

mulch and some soil

mulch summary: the sensation of the empty pits scattered around your body feel as though they are currently eating away everything on the inside, you are just waiting for them to eventually eat you whole the pain can fool you into believing that you are completely empty, everything inside of you has been eaten, everything is numb and you will eventually have nothing left but outer skin, completely hollow, no thoughts you are aware this doesnt make sense and is not normal to feel this way but can not stop feeling the pain anyway and thinking what you think of when you are thinking about yourself or you see yourself in a mirror every thing is in your head. the pain you are feeling is not physical. it is emotional. very few feel "physical pain" when it is actually their brain but thats only when they are really upset where they start hurting in the inside because they have too many emotions and they have to have somewhere to go if thier head is too.full ......................................................................... .soil brain. they seem kind and caring. saying they care about you and dont make fun of you when you say weird things to them. they are perfectly normal, they have all feelings and do not feel hollow or numb and they do not think their organs are being swallowed by a black hole that eats your insides because you are the only one who feels like that and made it a fake disease because you are the only one who feels like they are being eaten from the insideby a black hole (not all the time, but will happen) they are aware that you are in pain and cant feel certain emotions because they are blocked (you do not know how to unblock them you are also unsure if you have ever been able to feel certain emotions and maybe you were just born incapable of feeling them or they are locked away from yourself) (defense mechanism? maybe). side note:this type of brain in a person is perfect for helping mulch brains but they are rare and if you find them cherish them and be really good to them .brains. .their brain. their minds were made from the richest soil, very beautiful flowers that smelled like good memories (block parties,snow,your dad when you hug him after he says he loves you) covered their brain, bragging how healthy and whole they are and they dont feel hollow at all. among the soil also grows the really lush soft grass that is natures blanket and twinkles in the sun because it is such a pretty green. a new couple are on their third or fourth date eating strawberries and also eating watermelon straight from the melon with two spoons (cut in half and sharing both halves), the guy drops his spoon (it gets dirty) and blushed when she feeds him with her spoon, they both blush and look away to hide their smile. this part is cute and they will look back on it when they part ways and smile and blush at the thought of it, both of them wonder if the other one saw them blush and the answer is yes they both saw it they will remember this moment for a while. and the girl is wearing a white sun dress that she wore on purpose because the last time she wore it the guy said she looked like the prettiest girl in school. the guy remembers he said this and hides his smile when he thinks maybe she wore it for him (she did) but he has low self confidence and thinks he likes her more than she likes him so he thinks that she wouldnt do that for him but he secretly pretends that it is true (it is)) with mary janes she is very cute and has lots of freckles and light brown eyes, the ones that have gold flecks in them. and the boy is wearing a yellow shirt, (you can decide if he is wearing shorts or jeans (if jeans, light blue/paint splatters (accidental) if shorts, maybe cool plaid ones his dad had when he was 17 that he found in attic) he has bright red vans on with blue writing scribbled across the side of the shoe (right one) but you cant make out what it says but i will say that it is one of his favorite album titles (he also has good music taste so it is a cool album) this is how nice their brain is they are naturally beatiful and have the perfect balance and perfect thinking process and have very few problems and for the most part they are happy. .your brain. your brain is covered in damp brown/orange mulch and has no crops or flowers in it. the mulch on your brain never dries so even if you had seeds to plant, it would be too much moisture and they would never grow. you cant remember when your crops and/or flowers died, or if you ever even had them. (you think the ugly colored mulch suits you well because you also feel ugly and gross like mulch but you wish you had nice soil like they do) you dont remember much of your childhood. you know something happened and it made you very upset and made you not understand lots of things and made you forget what happened that night when you became older because thats how much you didnt like it and your mind made you forget it on its own so you didnt even mean to do it. you remember bits and pieces but you are also missing the most important parts of the event so you dont know exactly what happened. you also think this event is partialy responsible for having damp mulch and no flowers or crops growing from your brain and making up a disease that isnt real that you also diagnosed yourself with even though it is not real and the pain of your insides being eaten by black holes is very irrational and doesnt actually happen to you it just feels like it is sometimes. you also only remember your life with the person who you saw do something bad *after* that certain event. you remember mostly everything about your kid years but for the ones who were involved in the bad memory you cant remember 1 single moment you had with them and if you have a memory and they are in it you only see them as a figure of static, the one that looks like a lot of ants spinning very fast and also running around (you think ants are cool because they are very small and cute but can like like 30× their weight). you can make out their body shape and you know it is them but you cant hear what they are saying. you also think this is why you hate mirrors and cant tell what you look like because something broke at some point and your eyes dont work but only when you look at your self but when you are looking at anything and anyone else you have 20/20 vision and you think this is weird but you have grown used to it because you dont remember how you looked at yourself when you didnt have this problem so it is now normal for you but also upsetting because you cant tell if you are fat on the day you look in the mirror or your eyes just do that because you used to be fat and dont think you changed from your kid self and that is scary because as a kid you were very ugly and fat. you sometimes think this is for the better because in the mirror you dont look right and your face is mixed up and if you knew what you looked like all the time you would be very sad about it because you at least know you look bad to some degree if your brain is also hiding what you look like from yourself. (brains do this when something is too upsetting to see or remember something you really dont like and cant hanlde). so it may be better off not knowing. you are also someone who tries to be postitive so you consider this a good thing overall-. (you try to be positive but you can be really negative because when you are upset about something you cant change all you can do is complain and that is a 1 very negative thing to do. you should stop doing that) -because you dont have flowers or crops and have mulch for a brain and most people have okay soil,average soil,and,very good soil for brains and mulch is the worst one you can have bc its shitty for crops (thoughts and emotions) and is ugly and also damp, doesnt dry, and has an ugly color and is made out of things that look ugly in large amounts (most mulch is in a large amount). you think you cant process things and cant access lots of emotions but when you do you care about something too much you can ruin it. or care about somebody too much and it scares them and you lose them forever and they also wont like you how you like them and then you get sad but understand bc you know exactly why they dont see you like that but its still upsetting so you swear off of liking someone but you end up doing it anyway bc you cant help it it is quite the cycle) you are also scared all the time because every second you look different and you dont know what you look like not including the seconds you look in the mirror and not knowing that is scary because the thought of people thinking you are gross to look at also makes you feel gross about yourself. you also constantly say you have to go to the bathroom but you go to see what you look like and when you are hanging out with someone and dont want to seem like you are checking yourself out so you dont look in the mirror and then yiu cant make eye contact after 30 min bc you dont know what you look like and cant risk it) people stare at you and you say it is because of the clothes you are wearing because you wear weird clothes that arent feminine (if you are a girl) or masculine (if you are a boy) (you also dont care if you wear boy clothes if youre a girl and girl clothes if youre a boy because that is really stupid and people should wear what they like which is what you do and you really think you look cool and portraying a fun personality but when other people think you are weird you feel like you are weird and that makes you want to hide and leave when no one is watching and go home to put pjs on because pjs are comofortable and people dont judge them usually even though you are at home and no one is even there to judge you but your parents (siblings if you have them theyre probably mean if they judge you tho)and they judge when you are dressed too boyish (if you are a girl) and dressed too girlish (if you are a boy)). you wish your brain knew what was okay to wear and do and how to act but a lot of things, again, it doesnt work in your brain like they should so you dont know but what does work well a little tok well is awareness and paranoia and you are aware of people looking at you and paranoia is when you are worried and want to know why people are looking at you so you can change whatever youre doing to something normal and if it is because you are ugly you are going to be tempted to do a big change to try to change your face as soon as you are alone and you will examine your face to try to make it out but it looks different everyday and in different mirrors and cameras so you get upset at this and go to stress eat but then stop because you already ate granola earlier and dont want to get fat again bc that would suck (what to change when you are questioning your appearance: eyebrows, style of eye makeup that creates an illusion of a different eye.shape because your eye shape is weird, hair? color and/or cut but some are not allowed to dye their hair like this author but wouldnt anyway because they like how soft is it and it never ever tangles whihc is super nice) and then you will ask if this will actually mask your bad facial features and it wont so you give up and lay in bed and dont turn the lights on for a while because light can show way too much of your face and all the imperfections that you cant see in the dark (not necessarily pitch black but you have to be careful because so lighting can be low light but then adds shadows excentuating the shape of your features (good example: big nose). this what you would be like if you had a mulch brain. this was to see if you think the same things as the author of this or if this author is the only person in the world who has a mulch brain. main qualities of a mulch brain: doesnt know how to feel about things and the process of understanding something very serious is non existant 3/4s of the time you can not tell what you look like but you know it is bad and people dont want to look at you so you feel like you have to apologize for them seeing you but then you would sound like you are fishing for compliments and that makes people uncomfortable (also be careful about how much you talk about something you dont like about your self ppl can also be uncomfortable by the fact you are openly talking about something that is not something too discuss so openly especially if you are graphic i.e. "skinning my face would look better than my normal face" the author has said this and didnt actually mean it because skinning your face would be gross looking but you think about it sometimes bc you would get rid of all the bad parts and that would be cool but your face will also....be skinned. in conclusion the person this was said to got uncomfortable and was laughing before ithe author said it and the girl immediately stopped laughing and stared. (this is not fun) something bad happened in your younger years you 1.cant remember well or 2.you remember it too well where you think about it all the time and it still upsets you a long time after it happened and there is no threat against you but you are still scared you remember literally nothing important or what happened but you remember something extremely insignificant but also very detailed for ex. the color of your parents bed sheets the night it happened and exactly what you said to your sister when you went to hide in your sisters room and remember the amount of times the two sisters called their father until he picked up you ruin lots of relationships you dont want to but yea you love your sister like, a lot, if you dont have a sister you love your brother and if you have no siblings maybe you cherish something that has always been around? trying to list something for everyone ex. dog. stuffed animal. toy. you are probably ugly (i think this is listed but needs to be stressed) you like horror movies and gore but you would not and will not ever hurt anyone because that is terrible and is one of the worst things you can do but since you look weird and like horror you think ppl think you are scary and it is very likely tho do think you are scary and dangerous but you are not at all and you also threw up and cried when you were 16 bc u stepped on a frog and killed it side note: vowed to not eat anything for a day if i kill another animal you love animals you like alex g (you are even more of a mulch brain if you love him and know all of his songs) (and also is honest about his two new songs bobby and witch and dont just say theyre good because its by alex g but giving an honest opinion on it its is more of a real fan thing to do) you try to be nice to everyone but assume ppl think you are boring and if they have similar style and they try to be friends w u bc they also dress the same and like the same music but you cant carry on convos bc u get nervous and that makes u boring so they stop trying to be your friend and probably think they are similar to me but cant start a friendship if they cant talk to you unless they are drunk (let me be specific: smashed drunk. normal drunk still makes you nervous) you think your friends are mad at you all the time except for the super nice ones because they are understanding and actually love you because they are really good people and it is shitty you compare them to super nice ones to the other ones who can sometimes be mean and you feel bad about it bc they are both your friends even if one can be a little mean. you like giving gifts a lot you cant tell if youre fat or not sometimes lights make you dizzy for thinking about what you look like in that light setting and also bc lights can be fuckin bright and give you insane eye and head migraines you are actually a secret romantic but have little to no experience w anyone except when you have been dr*nk and didnt care about being bad at kissing and you want to do it sober but worried youll be bad but also hoping the person you like wont care and think it is cute (hopefully you would like someone nice where they wouldnt make fun of you for it and they are understanding because if you are kissing them sober and also have a mulch brain they probably already know about you and what insecurities you have) you are funny online sometimes and you will say the same exact joke in person that ppl laughed at but they go quiet bc they dont know how to respond and then you wish you didnt say it youve only.truly liked three people for their personalities *and* looks you are the one typing this (not a requirement)