#theyre neurodivergent your honor

[editonic]

alhaitham and kaveh are neurodivergent and each other's special interest

[mueritos]

a big brain dump about autism, life, being indigenous, and whatever else is going on

so the past few months I made it a personal journey to understand my autism more (and maybe a possible ptsd diagnosis but whatever whatever whatever). and that's what i'm calling it--the autism--because no other thing makes sense for me, and while i'm parsing through childhood memories and experiences, it's definitely...a bittersweet conclusion? bitter because in a lot of ways, i dont relate to the stereotypical autistic experience because every autistic person who has clocked me was usually a White Queer. It's probably why it's taken so long to get to this point of concluding Autism is what it is. I grew up in an immigrant family as a girl, and for that reason I was expected to not be disabled and to be a completely normal and high achieving Mexican catholic girl who went to college and became a doctor or whatever. Now i'm a fag of a man doing none of those things haha.

My older brother was supposed to be assessed for ASD in his youth, and like most immigrant dads, mine decided that nothing was wrong with him and the rest is history. Except my older brother is a man riddled with childhood trauma, shame, and so much autism. Absolutely uncharted rates of autism, and while he gets some sort of pity from my parents for him ("it's all out fault" "he never got the help he needed" "cut him some slack he doesnt understand"), I can never let my own parents know about how much I struggle. Hell, I can barely show it to my own friends because even they don't understand the extent of my autistic struggles. it's actually caused continuous miscommunications, people mad at me, me mad at myself, meltdowns, shutdowns, and a lot of crying. And shame. (a peer recently even demeaned my habit of keeping to myself, despite the fact that I had actually been trying to put myself out there more)

so i'm at a point in my life where I've accepted that I can only take responsibility over how I communicate, and I take ownership over that. Accepting this responsibility allows me to keep myself safe, as I've essentially lived over 2 decades of my life feeling like I was responsible for not just my communication, but everyone else's, including all of the judgements, missed cues, failures, miscommunications, and whatever else came from it. It's definitely double empathy. Last time I truly took on everyone's communication, it nearly killed me (cue over a year of suicidality). But, in a lot of ways it's very freeing. I'm sort of detaching myself from this neurotypical/White need to socially interact with others on their terms. In other ways, it's restricting. I uh. Don't really talk to a lot of people nowadays, and there used to be days where I wouldn't say a single word out loud. But because I don't talk to as many people, I'm able to put energy into the quality of my connections and not just the quantity. Which unfortunately a lot of people take personally. They dont like you admitting that you only see them as an acquittance, or as a classmate, or something like a friend but not quite there. I find comfort knowing how people feel about me, even if its that they actually dont feel close to me. Great! Now I know! Knowing makes me feel safe! But I'm finding that people actually really fucking hate when you admit that to them, the how you actually slot them in ur brain in terms of social levels. I can understand why, but I also don't get it.

Another thing that's helped is I've changed how I do eye contact. I used to make eye contact with professors or classmates while I spoke up in class because I thought that was important. Now I've found I can actually focus more on what I'm trying to say when I don't make eye contact. My god how freeing that has been. I don't have the same anxiety as I used to before, nor do I experience all of the involuntary blushing as I did for many years of my life. It didn't matter how confident or how prepared I felt, I would just blush furiously and I fucking hate it. Now my blushing is almost nonexistent, and I say what I mean with the flat ass tone that I love speaking in because it makes me feel safe. Sure, I miss the real-time non-verbal reactions to my words in class, but it's an okay trade-off for feeling more safe in myself and more confident in the classroom.

another thing is my internship. I work with majority neurodivergent students, and many of my clients have autism, adhd, or both, and are sometimes BIPOC, trans, or children of immigrants. Man, I've been having a blast. Sure, I'm learning how to be a therapist and best practices, but screw everyone in my life who has called me "cold" "emotionless" or "heartless". I have connected with so many people on such a human level, and I have sat there and helped them hold their pain in that tiny gay office for 45 minutes every week, and even though it's only 45 minutes, i'm showing them that they're allowed to ask for help holding that pain. I have had challenging sessions, difficult conversations, and times where I wasn't sure I would know what to say. But at it's core, I know that I'm capable of connecting with the person in front of me because my autism brain is automatically in tune with the person in front of me. It is so wonderful, and overwhelming, and so confusing all at once. When people start crying in front of me, I feel tears well up in my eyes, even if I'm not actually sad with them. It shows me that I'm capable of this empathy that so many people over my life have questioned, which they questioned all because I processed things slowly, or made quick decisions, or because I was honest about how I felt.

on to being mixed indigenous. Phew. I've been trying to build more connections with other Native folk, and I have a couple who I can thankfully call friends and who have never disrespected my detribalized experience. but recently I was interviewed a few times for a fellow indigenous researcher's dissertation, and I did not expect to be chosen on account that I am detribalized. But it had been a lovely experience and I finished my final interview today. It really left me with a lot of emotions that are hard to put into words. Mourning would be one of them, as I likely won't ever know what my tribal affiliation is. Never knowing who my people were, what language they spoke, the land they lived on...I can't describe just how much it destroys me. It feels like literal death, because that's what it is. A disgusting colonial death. And it's why I abhor that of all my identities, being autistic and being mixed indigenous has been met with the most vitriol online. like i guess people can only handle the trans fag mexican dude when hes not autistic and mixed indigenous, because now I am far too ambigious for anyone else's good. though i do know better than to listen to what random people online have to say about me and my path toward reconnection/neurodivergency.

beside's that, i'm trying to find neurodivergent spaces that feel safe, and I'm trying to find ways to keep myself safe. stimming, carrying stuffed animals around, using fidget toys, engaging in my interests, listening to the same songs, eating the same foods. I've had coffee with bagel and chive+onion cream cheese for over a year now. I've listening to almost only Pearl Jam and Alice in Chains for nearly a year now. I rewatch the same youtube videos over and over again. I wear the same few outfits. I wear the same shoes everyday. I walk the same way to and from campus everyday. I try to be in nature as much as I can, and really see it. I imagine nature where it isn't, and I get emotional thinking about the life that used to be on it. I wish so badly that I was a cat, a horse, a bunny, a deer, all so I could experience life through their eyes. i'm putting trust into people, into the universe, and into myself. safety is hard to come by, but im doing my best to accept the risks of life, trying to be flexible, and learn how to sustain myself for the good of the world. I deserve to be here too.

that's about it. besides that, i'm moving to philly once i'm done with grad school ^-^

[endrimer]

[strabius-berry]

Ok so i was watching a yt video of someone summoning butler!ingo and saw the character dex and my heart is melting

He and his twin brother traded their karrablast and shelmet with each other to evolve each other's pokemon 😭💘 that's so fking sweet my heart huurrrrt ugly sobbing

[bmpmp3]

a bit of a mild milgram fan (i adore the music and music videos but i still havent checked out a lot of the dramas but i still vote because i like being involved LOL) and i feel like giving my unsolicited opinions on season 2 so far. even though it makes perfect sense based off what i see from the fanbase that Futa was voted innocent BUT as someone who was largely neutral but uninterested (aside from his awesome song) in his character in season 1, season 2 made me actually really REALLY like him but in particular way where i want to see that little twerp squirm so im SO sad no one else voted him guilty q-q i WANTED to see him suffer for the NARRATIVE

also I think Mu should be voted innocent because she slays

[https-hiraeth]

A soft moment in the wild

Jesse(Black hair) & Ellis (Red hair) Day two cowboys living wherever they're welcome.

[annmariethrush]

THE SWIM LESSONS THING 100%

More water related but Dean trying to give Jack a bath and not accounting for the water displacement for Jack’s fucking HUGE wings and totally over flowing the tub the first time

"Dadstiel is soooo boring" you just don't get the intricacies of raising a gifted child as an ex hunter and a war criminal do you

[lesbianralzarek]

jokes aside about how shitty it is to deflect all criticism with "um, im literally neurodivergent and a minor?", the world would be much darker if that wasnt a solid legal defense. schizophrenic 13yos are allowed to crash their parents car into a light pole because they thought it was the devil. shit happens, yanno? your honor please dont be so toughies on them because, you see, theyre literally neurodivergent and a minor. theyre already serving time in hell

[confessions-official]

my past abuser who gave me PTSD had BPD. my past situationship treated me like shit, and then became besties with my past abuser (knowing what they did), had BPD. my most recent ex girlfriend who cheated on me throughout the relationship and also abused me had BPD. all of them have used their BPD as justification for their actions and refused to take accountability for what they did to me. it makes me feel like fucking screaming jesus christ.

i hate to say it but my experiences are tainting my view of ALL people who have BPD. im starting to view it as an abusive disorder that weak people use as an excuse so they dont have to face the reality of their actions and behaviors. so they dont have to face the reality that theyre actually bad people incapable of holding relationships or treating someone with half a shred of decency.

i really would not like to get flamed in the notes for this. im confessing this here because A) i know im wrong, and B) if i told this to anyone IRL they would just think im ignorant and a bad person.

i have done countless hours of research on BPD for these two people. just to understand, both retrospectively and in the moment. and i sort of understood. i understand the trauma aspect, all of the mental pain and whatnot they go through, the massive mood shifts, the mania and depressive states, etc. i have researched every aspect of the mental illness that is available on the internet.

but still, i perceive people with BPD to be selfish and uncaring. inherently abusive. i dont know if there is anything i can do to dispel this incorrect belief without just meeting and forming a healthy relationship with someone who has BPD. but that seems like an impossible challenge.

some background on myself: teenager with OCD, PTSD, and Anxiety (some others, but im just stating the three that effect me the most because i think that listing off a bunch of mental health issues in quick succession sounds tacky and is giving "your honor im neurodivergent and a minor". idk. dont cancel for me that as well. i am probably very unlikeable in this confession)

i would love to not feel this way. if anyone has any advice for me, or would like to challenge this, please dont hesitate to. i want to make it clear that i would never EVER express this to anyone with BPD. i would treat them exactly how i treat everyone else, which is what i have been doing. but i may be more wary of them or hesitant to form a close connection because i just dont want to get hurt again.

 

[astraystayyh]

"stardustlixie is chocolate chip cookies (extra chocolate chips) because baking them gives me a break from the real world just like i’s and nyx’s interactions make me feel (and THEYRE SO SWEET JUST LIKE THEM)"

angel when I tell you I was having a real bad week and this made such a difference in my mood because it's sooooo sweet (and I absolutely love me extra chocolate chip cookies, they're literally my favourite dessert 😭)

babie I'm gonna fucking cry and I don't usually cry cuz wtf that's so sweet 😭

if you were something food related you'd be that north indian spicy vermicelli dish my grandma makes me cuz it's such a comfort food for me it literally calms my mind and gives my neurodivergent senses a much needed break from the world around me (just like interacting with you and your fics does 😭)

(and I will read the changbin fic after I get through this shitty exam week I promise, it's been fucking me up, I'll read it with piece of mind, yeah?)

i will be free after 13/3 so yayyy!

-nyx

EEEEEE IM SO HAPPY IT CHEERED YOU UP!!!! i meant every word 🥹🥹 anddd stop 1)that sounds so delicious and 2)i’m so honored u associate me with such comfort food you’re the sweetest 😭😭😭I LOVE YOUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[rowavolo]

hellooo! same anon who asked about your s/is (and who should probably use a name considering how tight a grip these pixels have on me..) and i am both asking about your angel s/i and for permission to be insane about lucifer.. hes such a guy your honor <3

!!! gasps hi there :D !! (if you'd like to assign yourself a name, you absolutely may!!)

you have standing permission to be insane about just about whoever you like in my inbox!! i love lucifer, he's so sweet and fun and he has this absolutely silly streak that i feel doesn't get discussed much in the fandom, i love him so much!!!! the ruling is in, absolutely a guy!!!!

oh you have opened a Can of Worms here!!

angel s/i rambles below the cut!

okay OKAY so my angel s/i (his name is just mine. boring, ik), i have taken A Lot of liberties with because of the lack of knowledge we had at the time about the celestial realm in obey me - a lot of my celestial realm stuff is just reworked from an old project i had floating about so i guess you could basically consider it an AU at this point.

anyways, the angels are loosely sorted into different 'castes' named after metals and the like that match the colour of their blood (though in their human forms they do still have 'humanish' traits like blushing and the like because of how frequently they interact with the mortal realm). i imagine the celestial realm to be a big spire that looks vaguely like a phyllotactic tower (if youre not familiar, look em up, theyre based off of plants and are super neat! theyre designed to allow each level to have some amount of sunlight!)

anyways, onto Actual Stuff about him, he looks a lot like me but with some silly angelic traits (though i imagine he does have a really cool 'true form' (aka what is used for combat)). here's a scribble i did some time ago!

his whole premise is that he's in an arranged marriage with Diavolo, the main fic is set some time after the Big Celestial War, after some other skirmishes and whatnot (insert whatever smart sounding exposition here), and he was chosen because he was like .. relatively high ranking (electrum caste, right between gold and silver), he played enough of a visible part in negotiations to be offered as a sort of 'token of peace', and has been told time and time again what an honour it is to be married to the demon lord

in the main au at least, he's pretty content and happy, he falls for diavolo and develops a big qpp crush on lucifer, causes a general ruckus in the devildom because of his weird angel habits (hes also the first fully fledged angel to live in the devildom which is like unheard of at the time).

he's a little goofy silly, and sort of sucks with a lot of the expectations and manners and such that the celestial realms enforced so heavily (both due to the electrum caste being a sort of .. group of oddballs/a bit more laid back and the fact that hes just .. kinda naturally a bit Strange (read: neurodivergent)) but he does his very best (even if the outlandish stuff he does leaves even barbatos reeling at times)

umm yea twirling my hair nervously im not rly sure what else to say about him but ive written a pretty decent amount for him and i just love the relationship he has with dia, this AU as a whole just holds a really dear place in my heart, there's something fun about arranged marriages tbh!

[akechi-stole-my-heart]

Maruki tried to create a reality without suffering by granting everyone's desires because he cared too much. Ichinose tried to create a reality without suffering by stealing everyone's desires because she didn't care enough.

[nebulousbrainsoup]

so I'm rewatching the neverending story and

this movie came out in july of 1984. stranger things 3 is set in june of 1985.

did dustin learn the theme song for suzie, or did they both just know it and its harmonies so well that they could bond over it and sing it over a glorified walkie talkie???

[lumashoes]

theyre gay and in love and neurodivergent your honor

true love is seeing each other at the worst angles and still finding each other beautiful

[nytfythfhtyf]

my school experiences were so funny. i took a bridge class to be in honors english freshman year and i got a 68% in that class. who thought i would succeed in honors english. writing essays is torture for me. also reading. reading comprehension score in the single digits. it takes me three minutes to read a paragraph. my teacher probably wanted me dead. most of my teachers probably wanted me dead. neurodivergent people love making everything about how smart they are and how sad it is that theyre not an exemplary special little honors student anymore and how hard their lives were when they got perfect grades effortlessly. its funny how many of you are like that. i make a post about not being a fucking child prodigy and being hated and bullied for being disabled (but not smart) as a kid and it gets like three notes and im like wow. the rest of you are literally all gifted kid burnouts. i am genuinely completely alone in my experiences. all of you probably had so much fun reading so many books and coasting through school with ease and being loved by all your teachers. everyone is better than me i will continue to be passed in talent and success by my peers and everyone younger than me while i am stuck here unable to progress. this amazing artist on tumblr is incredibly talented and has a drawing tablet and draws frequently and oh yes also they are 14. do i deserve to live? every person around me has so many talents and is succeeding in their paths and had fun learning skills and taking lessons and being in clubs as children and i never got to do any of those because every teacher of anything i tried to do hated me so much they kicked me out. anyway sorry im in the autism dimension rn its unbearable hearing others talk about their experiences and being painfully jealous and wishing i could complain about the same things so people will think im deserving of sympathy because if youre not smart you do not deserve sympathy. disabled people are only deserving of sympathy and care if they are gifted and talented and everyone else is shit at the bottom of the garbage can where i am

[adhd-disaster-willie]

tía with anxiety,,, HELP i really said the entire molina family is neurodivergent and there’s nothing you can do about it

THEYRE ALL NEURODIVERGENT, YOUR HONOR