#theyll never come home
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Dead country rotting country racist stupid country i hate it here I hate it here I hate ittt
#i want to cry#the tories just introduced a law that means you have to be earing over 38K a year#if you want your immigrant spouse to get indefinite leave to remain#it means my sister in law cannot move here and my brother wont leave her because he loves her ofc#it means they're never coming back#it means they're stuck in fucking florida and we cant help them#and theres nothing i can fucking do except become a millionaire#theyll never come home#fucking barbaric#i want to murder politicians
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procrastination is starting to have its consequences finally
#on my friends living room floor they love together but one of them has been london for weeks or maybe months#to be with her love. im on a foam mattress from one of their beds next to a glass bottle of water opened by one of them#in a mug given to me by another. the weather felt like my childhood today and it also felt like 2 years ago.#(put space in the heavens Einstein's idea and hes your friend too so nothing to fear) around the table they drank and laughed and i thought#i hope you keep growing so full with the love you receive . i hope your appetite becomes insatiable from how used to it you are#and i know youre all leaving soon but i hope one day you miss this and that youll be happy you miss it#its worth missing i think#i thought he didnt care but he said after exams hes going walk around this area over and over#(this is near where he lived and where we visited almost daily for a year)#(hed come across the bridge on a lake)#we went where she used to live and at the entrance a fox sat calmly. it just yawned and stared.#it felt important somehow. i think maybe their impressions of me will never be close to how i feel inside but i think#i love them enough for that not to matter. i dont think theyll ever know this. i dont think if they did it would change much.#and seeing them smile makes my heart glow anyway. today i tried their malaysian tea the ginger burned my throat#they warmed my heart. hes going to canada soon and hes going to the US soon and shes going everywhere soon ill never understand#how were supposed to live with memories and with seperation and with the past but we do it anyway so i think it doesnt matter much#i wanted to write a poem for the lab rats with the fibre optic wires lit with blue forcing them to turn around and around#something about how im sorry that the two photon arrays burned the inside of your brain. im sorry about the sharp points of multielectrode#arrayes. im sorry about everything we do to you. she asked to see me tomorrow. im trying to have self control but i miss her so awfully#last night my friend talked to me and i updated on everything that happened with love and the lack of it and she just started laughing#and she told me about the same thing from her side. and she told me about how she loved london because she would walk the streets#and she felt like the people were her. and her eyes would go over the people and the bag of bagels and the construction men they probably#have a kid at home maybe shes a daughter. this kid is crying for her mother and the building you just walked past caused#blisters and pain and people died in it and very likely people were born in it. we talked for hours and i felt like#i was holding her hand just like that time she held mine watching a horror film. i love her so much#my friend is a genius and i remember her picking up the charms of my phone and staring at the leaf hanging from them. shes side stepping to#music drinking dangerous cider and cocktails from a movie and chit chatting with billionaires and undergrads#i love her dearly. his head covered in electrodes. she tells me about a syrian guy shes in love with and she says#what you feel and what i feel is like cocaine. ive tried a lot of fucking cocaine.#she says ive reminded her of what living actually feels like and to never put energy into someone who doesnt see me this way.
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when i was in highschool one o my biggest coping mechanisms was drawing all the kids i hated getting killed and eaten and killed. and well. time is a slowly ascending spiral. you will find patterns.(i work as a blackjack dealer. gamblers are FASCINATING
#cw blood#luckys original content#ITS SMALL BUT ITS ART SO IT GOES ON THE ART BLOG#also wwaooooww its meee its my lil persona!!! i dont draw myself enough....#anyway i have bigger things in the works. im slowly but surely chipping away at a pd thumbnail for that pd thumbnail project#FINALLY COLORING. BUT COLORING IS SO HARD AND I HAVNT BEEN IN THE COLORING MOOD#SO IVE JUST BEEN MAKING RLY DUMB COMICS INSTEAD... OOPS..#idk if anything finished n polished will be posted here anytime soon. BUT i post wips of everything on my twitter#and i post jrwi exclusive wips on my slucky blog. you may look at those if u have Truck Art Wishdrawls. as many do. as many do#THIS BLACKJACK JOB IS RLY AWESOME BTW DONT GET ME WRONG#i work three 12-hour days ina row. i gotta take an hourlong bus up to the depths o the mountains and then#i get to stay in this delightful lil hotel that was built in an ooold hospital. its a whole casino town. and an OLD one at that#ITS GORGEOUS HERE. last week my bus home was delayed for 2 hours#so i finally got the chance to head to other casinos and try drinkin n gambling. lost ten bucks to a pretty girl. NOT the first time#i rlly wanna try it again!!! i love interracting w ppl and i love being inebriated in public bc im just so sweet and pleasant and friendly#and pretty girls LLOOOOVEE MEEEEE i think i just need to go to gay bars more#but theres fucking NONE HERE. HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! im collectin comrade queers up here tho#we wanna make a Group but we just gotta come up witha name first. i need something weird and strange#yknow i remember being in highschool. and being miserable n unmedicated. my mommas ultimatum was that;#if i dont drop out of highschool; i dont need to move out. she probably wouldntve kicked me out anyway bc my mommas sweet like that but#she REALLY wanted me to graduate. and i remember dreading that i might never do that#i remember feeling like the Resident Idiot. sweet but so so fucking dumb. it took me 7 years of strife n stress before i finally graduated#i remember worrying back then that i might not ever be able to handle myself out there. that i'd be too dependant on others#AND HERE I AM. DID U KNOW I WAS LOOKIN AT HOUSES A WHILE AGO? IM AN ADULT AND IM WWINNINNNGGGGGGG#IM RUNNING OUTA ROOM BUT HERES MY ADVICE TO YOU. BC I KNOW UR FUCKING SCARED TOO. THE ONE THING THAT SAVED ME.#THAT KEPT ME FROM SINKING INTO DESPAIR IS REMEMBERING ONE THING: ITS LITERALLY JUST LIKE VIDEO GAMES#MOST PPL YOU CAN JUST WALK UP TO N ASK A QUESTION N THEYLL ANSWER. THEYRE ALL NPCS THEYRE NOT REAL#LIKE IF U WALK INTO A BANK AND ASK HOW A DEBIT CARD WORKS THEY WILL HELP YOU#AND IF YOU THINK THEY HAVE ULTERIOR MOTIVES RELATING TO MONEY. YOU CAN ASK THE CUSTOMERS TOO. ITS JUST LIKE VIDEO GAMES#ANYWAY STAY SAFE KIDS HAVE FUNNNNN. IM GOING TO GO DO DRUGS NOW. HOPE U CAN DO DRUGS SOON TOO. I LOVE YOU
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thinkin abt this. and thinking about mitch realizing that he'd never get the full suburban nuclear family hockey best friend life with auston.... thinking about the little adjustments of expectations they've made about each other and their futures together....... thinking about where they are now and might be later on.
#1634#like. . austons homes in arizona....#he loves toronto. he has a home in toronto too but he doesnt. like.#seem to have those same kind of dreams since he's split between family in az vs job in tor. at least isnt vocal abt them#mitch HAS been to his home in az tho.......... a treat it seems not a ton of ppl have.....#and auston comes to his lakehouse..... its all so.......#just. mitch has grown up with such conventional wants in a lot of ways it SEEMS like when he talks n jokes#but then u see who he gravitates towards sometimes. n the way it contradicts his actions.#i find them. fascinating. i really do#ive actually been thinkin abt this for days#its like the antithesis of the web weaving i made... where their dreams DIFFER.#still holding so much love n space for each other even then.....#the potential for angst.#just kills me to think abt auston who. like... does not have a house in toronto. maybe never will.#if he ever has kids. i doubt theyll full time live there. its like... mitchs dreams have always been#hockey. family life where he grew up... picket fence n dog n wife n kids w buds right next door.#the whole block even! hang with the boys forever.. make them family.#realizing thats not smth u can dream abt wiht specific ppl u might want it the most wiht. hello....#anyway.#caught between wanting things youre supposed to want n told urself uve wanted ur whole life#n. smth unconventional maybe.
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Speaking of kitty cats I've finally bitched and moaned enough to my parents that now they're going to let me take MY senior cat home with me maybe sometime next week <3 <3 <3
#i live 15 minutes away from them 🙄 and they act like Im going to take her and theyll never see her again#tai talks#shes 17 years old and my parents treat her like garbo :-( Makes me so fucking mad dude#they do nothing but complain about her presence and say shes a nuisance#but every time ive brought up 'well why dont i just take her off your hands?' they are like UGH !#'No! she needs to stay here' like OKAY? THEN DONT COMPLAIN ABOUT HER...#they literally tell me every time i come to their house abt how they cant wait for her to die like WHAT!!!!#anyways. she will be coming home with me FINALLY. im so ready i have been desperate 😩
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love posting about ev and an as if theyre in love. i mean are they? i have no idea. nary a clue
#my post#theyre my ocs youd think id know#the answer is um um uh in some versions in my head theyre dating but thats like not canon#they are. an approximation of what an aromantic person thinks being in love looks like#idk they hate each other they both literally have no one else in their lives its kindof their own faults theyre scared of letting anyone ge#close again they dont know what theyll do if anyone else leaves theyre nasty and bitter and it barely has anything to do with the other#person at all.#until eventually it starts to dawn o both of them that theyre not leaving. and that they really dont WANT the other to leave. and that they#actually kind of... LIKE... hanging out all day#idk and then they make out sloppy style#thats a lie they dont do that#idk they dont get much of a chance to be normal bcus then everin dies so. who knows what they wouldve been#<- smiles#actually#i know#i know because originally everin was gonna survive#anddddd they wouldve lived happily ever after and ran away from this place and never looked back and seen the world and eventually bought a#home in a village in the middle of nowhere where no one knows who they are and no one will ever come looking. and they have a community and#friends and life is beautiful and bright#however none of that happens anymore because everin dies and andoras is left behind to perpetuate the cycle of vengeance and violence#my bad
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showing my growth by rejecting the “every ship gets happily married and becomes wonderful parents to lovely children” mindset and admitting that many pairings should just not be parents
#long gone are my days of woobifying shadow and sanitizing sonadow down to aw cute hedgehogs and one of them is traumatized#they are RIVALS and shadow will never be that lovey dovey with sonic even if they have been dating for 30 years thats just not who he is#they can find happiness/contentment in each other like i imagined but that sprinkle of toxicity would never rlly go away#and again even if theyre perfectly happy existing like that. not a good environment for a kid!#i dont even imagine them getting married anymore like i still like my idea of the ''cat orphanage w a chao garden'' house that they live in#but they wouldnt be married. they'd be partners and sonic would live there. but he'd ''live there'' in the same way he lives with tails#in that. its a place to come back home to when needed but a lot of the time hes just elsewhere exploring and having adventures and stuff#and shadow would probably tag along on a lot of these adventures. but not all of them#also feeds into part of my idea for the future which has always been present which is just. sonic being romantically involved w a couple#other ppl (knuckles for example)#those relationships dont have a label theyre just friends and then sometimes theyll kiss or go on dates or something#he and shadow are partners. thats concrete. everything else is just fluid/undefined (also should clarify that this is in like a poly way lol#shadow is aware of these relationships and has no problem with them and sonic knows that)#anyways i didnt mean to ramble but i have been thinking about this recently#how i'd modify my older idea of sonadow in the future#thats the end. ps once again promoting the poly sonic agenda. if you look at him and you dont think hes poly. youre just wrong im sorry#(excluding aroace sonic enjoyers for obvious reasons lol)#serena.txt
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damn I rly have another 4 weeks of holiday this year huh. I should start making some plans
#well maybe more like 3 weeks bc I wanna keep some to use for long weekends or day trips#but thats still kind of a lot..#my problem is i dont wanna take time off just to stay at home bc I do that most weekends. but im not sure I rly wanna go anywhere either#I dont mind travelling but its very much just a function for me. even when im travelling for fun + not bc I Have to it feels no different#Im v independent but I just dont rly have the adventurers spirit. plus im disabled so going new places alone is so stressful sometimes#ugh I dont wanna let my parents catch wind of how much holiday i have tho bc theyll be like come stay with us for a week!#i will Kill Myself no thanks#theyll probs already get christmas with me and thats an ordeal enough#its the expense as well idk how much its worth it. even if i can afford it like that money couldve gone into so many other things#ahhh.#my flatmate did suggest we go somewhere together but i feel like shes gone off that idea.. ik she doesnt get as much holiday anyway#id feel bad eating into it just so she has to spend more time with me even tho we already live together. nightmarish ik#there are maybe some landscapes id like to see but not alone bc id wanna hike but i dont rly have any friends into that kinda hiking#like i cant rly just fuck off into the mountains for a week by myself the risk is stupid#i dont knooooow. maybe ill just do myself a cornwall trip v early or late summer when kids are in school that might be nice#bc its just trains to get there. and ive spent a lot of time alone there before like it wouldnt be as stressful as a New Place entirely#i wanna do a music festival in the summer too but rly id only need 2 days holiday for that. and again i cant rly go alone#so i need to find ppl to convince to come w me#god i feel so lame for not rly wanting to go on proper holidays. but its never felt worth it to me sorry 😭#blame the childhood trauma or whatever#ill stew on it and maybe ill think of something we'll see. ive got a while yet before id need to book stuff anyway#gotta do some more cleaning today but the sooner i can get it done the sooner i can play elden ring 🙏🙏🙏🙏#.diaries
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its time for yet another brain game of am i like fully neurotic or was this genuinely not a cool situation . prize is jack shite and yet im playing anyways👍
#j.txt#vent#just like. to preface. im not bringing any of this up im just going to stew in it for the night and then move on as per usual#alright disclaimer made now i can get to the point. So. tonight is my close irl friends bday right but she didnt tell me about any plans#so i naturally assumed she was gonna do her own thing and not really celebrate. Ive had work all day and while working get a text frm her#asking if we want to go to this restaurant i introduced our group to for dinner. so i respond saying oh im off at this time if yall want to#go even tho its late i can. Never get a response so i assume theyll bring it up when i get back. get home and no ones here not a word abt#whats going on. i do my usual unwinding get ready to chill etc which takes abt half an hour. she comes back with our other mutual friends#and theyve already gone to the restaurant which is fine i get it. but they get back and say oh now we're going to this themed music night at#a club we've all been to before as soon as (other friend) changes. and then just. dont offer for me to come along or anything and leave.#which like. whatever its happened a hundred times before im used to it but Still. does it not even occur that I might want to participate??#if i had Any notice that this was happening I could have been getting ready instead of slacking around waiting for someone to get home#its so. i try extrememly hard not to be a downer or just invite myself to things bc I Know this is how they all operate but it does still#sting that it feels like im not even thought of if i dont happen to be in the room when plans are being made lol.#and obv I am Not bringing this up rn and ruining what im sure was a really fun night for all of them#its just truly a goddamn bitch of an unsatisfactory situation yknow. but such are the whims of fate and i shall endure as always✌️
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anyway one more thing and ill shut up about it for a while
someone pointed out how in every single place you can find an iteration of care, shes got a box of crayons.
and that like care virtual pet thing tony was working on in i think? 2013? and posted on twt
shes got em there too
forgive me for looking into it probably too hard, but so much of the story both objectifies and dehumanizes care in various ways. abuse, trauma, the whole loss of eyebrows being symbolic of a loss of identity or sense of self. care NLM covering her face. all that.
its kinda comforting seeing the crayons everywhere like. theyre hers! its something thats hers! its something that doesnt get taken away! everything hurts and they try to erase your entire path and identity through rebirthing and amnesia but you still have something thats yours! they failed to erase you entirely and theyll never be able to!
#tongue#petscop#it also makes me think of paul and being trans and people sround you trying to stomp that out of you#care covering her face only to be told 'those eyes that nose. its still you'#'youre not lost. stop wandering and come home'#'i called you several times and you didnt come. do i have the wrong name here?'#stubborn about it because its not something someone can just stomp out of you#physically or emotionally#even if the awful people in your life think they can beat the transgender out of you it doesnt ever work#youre still a boy even if they wont stop calling you by the wrong name#even if theyre controlling snd try to keep you under their thumb for your whole life you still have something to hold onto#something thats yours#its your box of crayons#its identity that theyll never take away even if they think they did#when they do that they dont even see you as their own child at that point#its like a daughter is just a thing to them#hence the whole objectification thing
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good things but personal so hiding in the tags
#its been a year now and WHEN will the honey moon phase be over im going ridiculous fr fr#our anniversary is literally on new years which is so fucking picturesque or whatever the word is i hate it (lying)#i got us matching bracelets and she lost hers that same day im literally so in love with her#and she told her siblings about us and her sister was just like. yeah obviously 🤨#and then later her brother when her parents waiting in the restaurant for a table and me & her & him were in the car and he said yeah.#i figured 🙄 and then he came out to us and i love him. i love her family so much i feel unreal#and her parents literally dont know were dating. like genuinely. i dont know what they think but it works. they said next time they all go#home to the philippines they want me to come. i dont understand why they like me so much & im so scared of the day theyll find out im#dating their daughter and start hating me. but rn i feel so happy so its ok#and her mom said shes thinking of taling spamish classes at my community college and i should take them with her. even though i speak#spanish from home but i can help her#her family is just so kind to me and it makes me feel soooo i dont even know. everything#i just never thought i would be this happy its so impossible for me to understand or accept it#and everything with us is never perfect but its so much love and i feel so lucky its scaring me#i feel like im dreaming im so scared to wake up and lose it all#and its all been so hard and is going to be even harder but its worth it. more than anything and thats even more terrifying than#all the bullshit#but its good its good its good#louie type
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Proof that, once again, I neither am nor ever would have been, a good woman. I can't woman for shit. I failed woman school so badly that I dropped out and said peace fuck this shit, then snuck into man school and they never even noticed I wasn't part of them to begin with.
Though I'm a gay dude, literally most of the questions were about rating if you're respectful to your wife. If I was attracted to women, and married one, by all fuckin means I'd respect the shit out of her, and basically be Gomez Addams in every way, down to knowing how to fight with a sword. I'd worship her, and give her the world in her hands while kneeling to her like she's my queen.
guys hot uquiz was just discovered but I'm taking it about 100 yrs too late. anyways everyone share how wifeable you are.
THE WIFE RATING SCALE 1929
#yeah i hated being a woman and doing stereotypical woman things growing up#i wouldnt be caught dead in a dress or skirt or makeup or frills or anything girly#i care about kids but i couldnt even fathom caring FOR one#i knew as a child i didnt want to give birth to kids and that id adopt if i ever wanted one#but then i came out and realized if im gonna adopt i want a kid about to age out of the system#i wanna take in someone who feels like theyll never have a family or home and will be left to nothing#and give them love and a family and a home and i will love them and be patient and help them however i can#its my dream to marry a man and be a great husband to him while he does the same to me#and we adopt a queer kid from the system to love and help them be themself#whether that kid was abandoned for coming out or came out while in the system doesnt matter at all#i just want that kid to know i love them and i care about and for them and want them to be who they are
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i am so fucking sick of seeing people be like 'i brought 2+ male mice home from petco. One of them died strangely and the other one is half paralyzed? any ideas what could've happened?" yeah i know exactly what happened you were a fucking moron who didn't do any research and now multiple animals are injured or killed.
#it's so fucking depressing#the petco workers who overhear these are pet mice and who allow them to take home males are just as responsible too.#but if you decide to get an animal on a whim and they die because of your negligence that is totally and 100% on you.#and i have no sympathy or patience for these people.#'im going to try to keep boys even though everyone says theyll kill eachother bc theyre littermates and have never fought!'#yeah till the next cage clean and then you come back to the situation described above.
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#gods#im .. in trouble this semester#which sucks bc i was doing so much better last semester#i stopped going to therapy!!#which i think i knew at the time was a Problem#but my therapist suggested it and i didn't want to but i couldn't come up with a better reason than im worried ill nosedive next semester#to be fair to me while i was feeling so much better i knew i wasnt .. stable i guess?#in her defense i can't tell anyone the whole truth even if my life was on the line#and by cant i mean some combination of wont dont want to and its instinctive#but the problem is im failing one of my classes and im at least a little bit suicidal and i havent told anyone really and gods i feel lonely#(and by a little bit suicidal i mean thinking of ways to kill myself 2 days ago. im feeling better now but i don't trust it)#(by feeling better i mean im not Actively thinking of methods but it definitely crosses my mind as a Possibility)#(although i guess its a bit less i want to die and a bit more i want someone to find me before i die and help me)#so anyways this semester might be replacing 10th grade as the worst year of my life#im just.. so tired#i don't want to keep living like this#and im sucking it up and making myself do better but i Hate this#and ive got to think about summer plans bc i don't want to go back to my parents house but i also Really want to bc i can see my brother and#maybe i can see my friends(?) and maybe if i tell my parents everything that's been going on theyll take care of me?#but i Really want to stay here bc i always regret going home and bc ive gotten used to living on my own and i really like all the freedom it#gives me?? but i need to get an internship or a job or something if i want to stay here but its So Late and now that im thinking about it im#worried that ill be so isolated here that ill feel worse? but if i get a therapist here then maybe itll be okay??#i don't know#and im almost done with my junior year and i don't know what i want to do with my future and#i just never thought id get this far yknow? i honestly thought i wasnt going to make it to 18 or college and now im almost 21 and so close#to graduating?? and i don't know how to face the rest of my life#im just tired and stressed and depressed#i just want a hug and a friend that i can tell everything to#ne ways im just tired and whiny and i need to suck it up and get groceries and do my hw
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can someone please hold me while i scream and cry about life but not judge me when its about a bunch of stupid shit
#i want the execs at xfinity to know that their shit company is the reason im crying in my living room at 11pm#its been such a long day and im so tired#i just wanted to come home shower and relax#but i had to deal with this fucking bullshit company that cares more about making a sale than they do about their customers#or employees for that matter who ik are doing their best but fuck they dont know anything#like jesus christ i have never contacted a company more IN MY LIFE than ive had to do with xfinity#and every single time it takes 20+ mins and theres a 50% chance theyll make things worse#yeah my period just started but this was the proverbial straw#personal
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Almost got hit head on on my way to work. :|
#this is the second time in like a few weeks that i have nearly had someone hit me head on#like this time i came around the bend and they crossed into the oncoming lane to pass someone and in my brain i was like ah theyll be back#in their lane quickly right. w#right? and then i was slamming on the breaks and pulling to the side and nearly hitting a mail box#because they were just getting closer coming directly for me#and we didnt hit snd luckily i didnt hit the mailbox or anyone slam into my bumper either.#but i was scary.....#and its like for what so you can drive a little faster over the speed limit#and i didnt even like lay on the horn like i should have i never think to honk until im out of it cause in just focused on not crashing#but like.....god.#and the other time that was a couple weeks ago someone drifted into the oncoming lane and i had to swerve to avoid them.#im just tired. and everything is so much and i want to go home.#vent /
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