#they're loud they're proud they're unapologetic | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

redstringraven · 6 months ago

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hello, hi, i've been having severe raphneth brainrot all morning/day, and i almost never babble about them, so here's some incoherent thought-and-feeling-dumping. i don't expect anyone to read this because i just needed to pace around and gesture wildly at my conspiracy board while talking to the spiders hiding in various nooks and crannies.

if you read, hope you enjoy my continued nonsense (and thank u).

again this is gonna be very stream-of-consciousness yammering, so i apologize if it's hard to follow or gets repetitive or if my word choices could have been better and my thoughts more refined. i just wanna flail my hands a little without feeling pressured to make it Nice.

i know i've repeated this thought a lot when i have talked about them, but i love so much that it's two heavily guarded people--both who have learned for one reason or another that the world is cold, and you need to protect yourself and what you hold dear from it--learning together that vulnerability isn't weakness. and also, like... learning to value themselves, too?

this isn't to say i don't think raph--specifically--values himself. it's more, i think as the series goes on up to the point where gwyn's entered the picture (so, post season 4) he's kind of in this ... limbo... where he feels almost like he doesn't have a "place" or a "valuable role" or anything he can really point to and say is his. as tots, he thought HE would be "top turtle" (his words), but over time he was happy to step aside, so to speak, and follow leo's direction. they all got a bit of a harsh wake up call when don got double-mutated to all the things they rely on him for. and, while i think he'd really hesitate to say it out loud, i'm sure he knows he's the third strongest fighter from a technical standpoint. i continue to emphasize that i feel his bitterness toward mikey's battle nexus win comes more from the fact he let mikey exploit a weakness of his and lost agency to his anger, rather than the fact he lost to mikey. truthfully, i feel like raph's more than proud of mikey--if not glad that he's capable taking care of himself, and even more than that when he wants to. i wouldn't say raph's "settled" to being the protector/shield as a role, more so he's maybe leaning into it. it's not a silent role, either--his family is aware he has a tendency to block or take hits for them, don has verbalized this as early as season 1. it's something he does, it's something he contributes. he's strong enough to do.

this kind of lack and loss of identity can also be found in gwyn, but amplified. gwyn's molded herself into so many different behaviors, personalities, and she's worn so many masks in order to get by and survive that she's lost connection with herself. if she's not constantly searching for a way to get ash back in a living, breathing body, who is she? what does she like? hobbies? how does she really feel about things when she's not trying to get on someone's good side?

it's both an interesting common ground AND an interesting contrast when it comes to raph, because no matter what raph is always going to unapologetically be himself. he may be struggling to find (where he perceives) he needs to 'fit into' the family unit, but he knows who he is. you can take him or leave him; he knows what he likes, what he doesn't, and he'll let you know, too.

raph is a person who can identify strength. i've mentioned in my enneagram posts that he can sniff out who holds the most power or control in a room, and, likewise, i'd be willing to bet that he's quick to pick up on an individual's strength-areas. things they're good at, what they gravitate to, skills they have that could easily flourish if given the right attention. he can and will, easily, be your biggest hype-man--we see him gas up don several times. he wants to see those he cares about discover where they're strong, and he wants to give them that empowerment and confidence in themselves. i've gestured at this when i talked about his brotp with min-ji, how he cares for her well-being unconditionally. all this to say, raph's likely picked up on gwyn's missing sense of self. as they grow closer--and ESPECIALLY as gwyn/ash's arc comes to a close and they get to start embracing a quieter life--raph would absolutely start helping gwyn take better notice of what things make her happy. not happy for an ulterior reason--things that genuinely make HER. happy. raph doesn't like being lied to--he can be a walking lie-detector--and i can see that gently coming into use if gwyn starts to say she likes something because she thinks it'd appease someone they're around, and him finding subtle ways to be like "...y'sure?". not to like... manipulate her or anything, but more to steer her to being more genuine and authentic with how she feels about something? if that makes sense??? getting to be a part of her... finding herself... being confident and happy and finally feeling connected to her own soul?

and then we have his side of things, where he's presently leaning hard into the shield and protector role. gwyn... doesn't like that.

ash died throwing herself in front of gwyn. she got stabbed shielding gwyn's body with her own. gwyn does NOT want people taking hits meant for her--especially if they're someone she's grown close to. raph's done this for her once already, and they got in an argument over it that only ended when gwyn said "they won't lose you because of me" and "you're more than a glorified meat shield".

since gwyn's best friends with mikey, she's NO DOUBT picked up on how much mikey looks up to raph, and how raph's his best bud. since she's learned how to read people like books, i'm sure she's noticed the silent appreciation and respect don and leo have for him, too, when he goes out of his way to do things for them, or when he just seems to know to spend time with them, or how attentive he is. she loves enabling mikey's braggart moments when it comes to his championship, but don't think YOU'RE off the hook, raphael. she sees all those 'small' things you do, and she will find ways to praise you for them in the presence of others and uplift you. you're trying to play down the work you put into rebuilding mikey's battle nexus trophy since the original was destroyed with the second lair? oh, bet--she's gonna make sure the others know the trouble you went to in order to make it as authentic as possible. you are SEEN.

gwyn definitely thinks SHE needs to earn any love she gets--love for her must be earned because she's essentially a curse. if she wants to be treated like anything but that, she has to prove herself. perhaps, hypocritically, she knows this isn't the case for others. where raph thinks he might need to fill a role or contribute somehow to the family unit and not be "dead weight", gwyn would push back and tell him that he doesn't need to do any of that bullshite. he's already doing so much by just being there and by being who he is. she can't comprehend applying this to herself because she was BORN a curse, but raph is already adored by his family--he doesn't NEED to do anything--his presence in the room is a pillar of strength and his family feels empowered by the simple fact that he's standing at their side. she sees that--easily. she's felt it, herself. the sense of security he grants those around him who know he'll stand beside them without flinching for no other reason than he loves them.

which, again, is an extremely difficult concept for her to wrap her head around when it comes to herself. befriending mikey was a huge step toward even opening her mind to this idea, as he would emphasize that he and his brothers want gwyn and ash around for no other reason than the privilege of knowing them. if mikey hadn't given her the space and patience and kindness to come around to accepting that it was possible for someone to stay by her side--expecting nothing in return--for no other reason than they wanted her around, then it'd be even harder for her to believe that raph would extend that to her as well. because, again, she and raph are both heavily guarded people--and they no doubt clocked that in each other immediately.

another common-ground point i feel like they have is that sense of being """the problem child""" or an '"""inferior sibling""" (gwyn is the 'parasitic twin', and it's not lost on me that raph's rebuttal when he starts getting angry about losing is sometimes "you think you're better than me?"). they're both used to, and often willing, to play the part of a scapegoat. we've seen raph do it in-series, and gwyn has absolutely taken the fall for ash as kids, so ash could continue to keep what little of the community's good graces she had. they both get what it feels like to be "the family screw up". there's a lack of judgment and silent understanding there. they also have similar ways of processing their emotions when they get heightened, but gwyn's more tapped into her emotional state and is better at identifying WHICH strong emotion she's feeling and figuring out how to "best" manage it in order to navigate the situation and her surroundings. it'd give her insight into what raph experiences when he feels strongly--allowing her to be patient with him and vigilant of what he responds to--and she over time extends this knowledge and these tools to him to help him with his temper. and where gwyn won't hesitate to hurt someone if it means protecting someone she loves or to protect herself, i think... i think she'd realize pretty fast that despite all his barking, raph's bite isn't like hers. she can hurt, compartmentalize or rationalize, and walk away. if raph hurt someone--and ESPECIALLY if he did it while in a heightened/anger-triggered state--it'd haunt him. even if it was someone she wanted to see pay for something they did, she'd hold raph back. not because it's the """right thing to do""", but because it's helping and, in a way, protecting him. when he comes back down, cools off, he's grateful for this.

there's, of course, the understanding of just how invaluable eachother's families are to them. they both come from perspectives where, for a LONG time, their family was all they had and all they expected to have. raph understands where gwyn's coming from when it comes to the lengths she'll go to get ash back--HE'S faced that before when don double-mutated. and likewise, gwyn gets to a point she wouldn't take any of the turtles choosing each other over her as like... a personal attack or an act of betrayal. she gets it, because she'd pick ash first, too. i think that's ...kind of a 'flaw' both the turtles and gwyn/ash share, is that they're always going to have a bias toward their family units. and gwyn and raph get that when it comes to each other. it doesn't mean an impossible choice like that would hurt any less, more so the sting afterward wouldn't come with resentment. it's another one of those unspoken understandings. their siblings are their worlds, and they can never turn their backs to them. and it's also because of that understanding that the other's sibling(s) becomes a part of that world, too. like... i've talked about what mikey means to gwyn. she also respects the everloving FUCK out of leo, and has a lot of admiration for don. and ash's lack of autonomy and agency alone is enough to make raph protective of her; as she comes out of her shell more, he comes to love her dry and strange sense of humor and also loves getting into random, petty banter with her. and, obviously, the weight of the sacrifice she made in the first place isn't lost on him. you KNOW he respects the hell out of the unshaken loyalty and love she showed to gwyn throughout their youth, even when it came at the cost of friendships, opportunities to learn, and participation in community celebrations.

and also just... the concept of these two people who're used to being "handled" so roughly finding tenderness and safety with each other. the fact that i don't think ANYONE aside from ash has told gwyn outright that they love her, and the day that raph says "i love you" to her is kind of world-shattering in a sense, because it goes against everything she was ever told or lead to believe or had come to believe about herself because of what she's done to stay alive. and she'd just... start crying... not because she's sad, more just because she's so... overwhelmed and feeling so much all at once that her body just. starts. crying. and of course he holds and anchors her through it.

i just

the fact so much of this only exists in my own skull is torture and torment and i want more time and energy to put it on paper so my random bouts of affection aggression make sense to more people than just myself and i feel slightly less annoying clawing at the walls, gnawing the floorboards, skittering about the leaves and burrowing in the dirt.

these slow, slow burn bitches, i hate them. get out of my school. i could keep going but i've lost track of how deep in the weeds i am so i'll just stop here. if you got all the way to the end... uh... i'm so sorry and also thank you so frickin much, oh my god >xDDDD

#;radio static #;there was a hole here #;raphneth #[ me: *realizing how long this got as i scroll back through to do my usual light formatting* oh my god SHUT. UP. ]#[ JFLDSGKLHSLDFL ]

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blueinkscribe · 11 months ago

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This is a message to all those trans people who claim that people using news or god forbid even xenos "ruins it for the rest of us"

I've seen so many people state that people who express their gender in ways that aren't deemed socially exeptable are "making it harder for us" are "the reason we're not being taken seriously", I see so many people telling neos and xenos users to "keep that to your online spaces if you must"

And I just wanna tell you something.

Stop it.

1. Neither you, not me, nor anyone ows anyone simplicity. Trying so hard to adhere to the cisgender view of the world *doesn't make it easier*. For anyone! Neither you nor me will *ever* fit into a cisgender world view, the trans experience is inheritly different from a cis experience. We will *never* fit their world view.

2. By making these statements you are actively hurting the trans community. This sentiment is dividing the trans community into two parts, and the divide is actively weakening us. This of the power we'd hold if we all were allowed to be our individual selves, loud, proud and unapologetic. Right now, you're making a common enemy with the transphobes. Once that enemy is gone, *you are next on their list*

3. You out of all people should understand that gender isn't that simple, isn't black or white, and you don't need to feel the same to respect how other people choose to express themselves.

Neo pronouns and xenopronons aren't bad, they aren't dangerous, they aren't harming us. And they're most certainly not something that should be hidden away.

And if I can make random tumblr user Bonnie's day a little brighter by using bun/bunself pronouns, WHY TF WOULDNT I?

I thought we had moved on from our hate, I thought we had finally come to understand that bigotry in our own community is what makes it harder for us.

When will we learn to stand together as one?

Signed, a a fellow trans person.

#transgender #trans #nonbinary #genderqueer #gender noncomformity #queer

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marc--chilton · 1 year ago

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this isn’t even like an analysis or idea or anything just wanted to say that adam purring a lot/feeling he has an ugly purr is really important to me. do you think he suppresses it around Lawrence

it's SOOOO loud and rough it can be heard from another room over, a far cry from the classic demure purring in pop culture. it always annoyed scott so adam just got into the habit of swallowing the urge most of the time. the first time it slips out around lawrence is when they're watching tv and adam starts dozing off. he tucks in to lawrence's side -- lawrence runs warm and adam feels much colder much more often after the bathroom -- with his cheek pressed into lawrence's shoulder and starts to purr. quiet, at first, almost like he's remembering how to do it. but over the course of a few minutes it picks up in volume until adam startles himself awake. he tries to apologize since he knows doing that right in someone's ear probably isn't the most pleasant thing, but lawrence is so so smitten he's confused why adam even feels the need to apologize for a natural reflex to happiness. learning he'd been put down for it in the past breaks his heart so much that after that point when adam hesitantly lets himself purr, lawrence rumbles back (he can't purr) and pushes proud, encouraging notes into his scent for him.

(lawrence would be aghast at adam referring to his purr as ugly. he delights in how unique and unapologetic it is. it's incredibly fitting to adam as a person, and that just tickles lawrence immensely.)

(what REALLY encourages adam to purr freely is seeing how much diana likes it, too. fuck you, scott, diana likes the motorbike purring and she's way cooler than you so her opinion trumps yours)

#asks #anon #sawmegaverse #it's so important to me too......... like a snorting laugh. so purely human #he's not much a pained purr-er either (he's more whiny and whimpering on that front) so when he purrs it's just Pure Good

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clearjello · 2 years ago

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Be unapologetically loud and proud! I wanted to hybridize some Pokemon to create representations of various flags <3 I did initially write flavor text behind the choices for each flag, but I think it's better to decide for yourself why they represent what they do, or if they're a good fit. I'll be doing a second, smaller round of these for Gender Identity flags soon :> Hopefully before the end of the month ^^; These are up for adoption on my DA / FA

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soonie-doongie-and-dori · 2 years ago

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Rock-star thoughts

Ok, so. Rockstar came out. And it was, as expected, awesome. I have so many thoughts about the comeback, a lot of which are *incoherent screaming*. But, I also wanted to write about what I thought of the songs overall. So, enjoy the word vomit <3

Megaverse

I've said it once, I'll say it again; the first tracks on skz albums always go HARD.

Absolutely in love with the beginning- Felix singing in french, and I'm in love with Bangchan's verse, it reminds me of the 'break the wall' ateez fanchant for some reason

This is the ultimate hype song, very much following in the footsteps of it's predecessor Hall of Fame

Lalalala

This title track ROCKED (pun intended)

Often, I find that I like the b-sides of skz albums far more than the title track; which really frustrates me, but Lalalala did NOT disappoint. It is the epitome of what a title track should be, since it represents skz so well; unapologetically loud and fun

I absolutely love the wordplay in this album; La means happiness but it also sounds like rock buts it's also la in the sense of lalala. I'm an absolute sucker for wordplay, and this made me feel so happy.

Another hype song, it embodies it's message so well; even though negative emotions exist, joy always comes out on top

I loved the pirate concept of the mv, but I would have absolutely lost my shit if the mv was an actual rock star concept. But pirate skz is also pretty cool

Blind Spot

Our genius Quokka did it again guys

But seriously, I'm absolutely in love with this song. It's my favourite, I'm absolutely addicted to it

This song is Mixtape 2/Behind the Light pt 2. I can't explain myself, it just is. (If you don't remember it, go listen to it!! fr one of the most underrated skz songs)

Bloody hell, I love "Shining, we are the champions,Trying to make a difference" It's truly so good

The opening instrumentals are NO JOKE, they're short but they are so vital to the song

I also love the imagery of a 'Blind Spot' in the song, like it's a part of them that we don't see. I really want to write an entire essay on this song. I might.

Comflex

WORDPLAY AGAIN, 3racha are fucking genius

It's exactly what it says on the label, a(nother) hype song, this one about embracing your flaws & insecurities and being proud of them

It's a self love song, in the most skz way possible. Reminds me of the meme of someone yelling 'HYDRATE OR DIEDRATE' while throwing water bottles at people

If Youtiful was skz telling us that they love us, Comflex is skz screaming at us to love ourselves

Flex your complexes guys!

Cover Me

When I first saw the credits for this song, I screamed a little. I've been waiting for a song written by Hyunjin since he talked about getting into songwriting in the 5-star intro. I was so disappointed when I saw that none of the 5-star songs had Hyunjin as a writer, because I was so sure that one would be there, and then I forgot all about it, so Cover Me hit me like a brick to the face

This song quite literally feels like a warm blanket covering you

Something I found really interesting; I'm usually pretty good at figuring out who is singing when, but damn did this song stump me. It's probably because it was a mainly vocal song, unlike most of skz's songs, but it's still interesting

In a similar vein, FELIX USED HIS MIDDLE REGISTER! Don't get me wrong, I love Felix's deep voice as much as the next simp, but I loved Deep end because it gave Felix a chance to explore range other than the deep voice he always gets handed in songs. I was praying for some songs to allow Felix to use his mid-upper range and I was hopeful when I saw the intro, and Cover Me delivered. I love Hyunjin so much for this

Leave

Skz's latest break up song! Reminds me of Ex

Being honest, I didn't find much special about this song, but it is genuinely a pretty good song

But, the angst is quite nice and it's an excellent song to sob to

Overall

Skz just outdoes themselves every time. I'd describe this album as very evenly split between Head-banging hype songs and ugly crying songs. If they'd have swapped Blind Spot and Comflex, the album would literally be 3 songs of pure hype followed by 3 songs that you're sobbing to. Skz continues to display their range by giving us whiplash with every album. I'm so, so in love with this comeback. The rock ver of lalalala was also a pure genius idea, it brings the album together so well, and it's just plain fun

#i have a lot of Thoughts about skz #stray kids #stray kids comeback #skz #skz rock star #skz rockstar #rockstar era #stayville

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pokemonruby · 1 year ago

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i know that regardless of whether you're trying to advertise your art or attempt to garner donations (and in my case, my post features both prospects) there's always going to be some ingrate who comes in with the violent urge to bully and condemn minorities because the lives of such pathetic, sad people like that typically aren't rewarding enough to encourage them to do something more productive with their time. i've been down this road before.

although i deleted the post from last night since i don't feel like feeding into the unwarranted negativity that they're doubtless trying to farm given that they evidently are unloved by every person they have ever met and need to vent that frustration somehow, i do apologize for clogging my followers' dashboards but at the same time, i have been taught by my friends and therapist that i need to start actively sticking my neck out for myself some more and take up space even if it is dubbed "annoying," and this is the only endeavor i am truly proud of so i'm going to screech it to the world because i know its worth it, i know it deserves recognition, and that i'm a talented, hardworking person who has sacrificed much to get to where i am today and damn it all, i'm going to be unapologetically loud about it!

not to mention, i just generally need some help. it isn't just about my book (even if it is the main thing that i wish to promote since, you know, that's how marketing works) - i'm severely disabled, impoverished, and stuck living with a historically violent, abusive person and i desperately want out before i end up hospitalized or worse since while it's easy for me to devote myself to my craft, i'm also suffering quietly and extensively behind the scenes and i want to start believing that i don't deserve to live like this - no matter how difficult it is for me to admit that.

#overlong post since the autistic/traumatized urge to overexplain myself but.#tldr if it's truly that inconvenient for you just block me and be on your way. you don't need to be unnecessarily cruel #but i'm always going to think of you as a sad loser if you hide behind a mask to insult people on the internet #so it does not concern me one way or another. i'm just trying to get in the habit of actually standing up for myself.#but i guess this is also solid evidence that my therapy has actually been going well for a change? only took eight years LMAO #shoutout to katelyn she's the only therapist that has actually managed to make some genuine headway with my stubborn ass #anyways. this is the last post i'll make about something like this since i want my space to be positive.#thank you to the people who have opted to support me so far - even just by reblogging the post it helps me out immensely so it means a lot.#riley rambles

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brandwhorestarscream · 2 years ago

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OSxBB here again and ooh, there's not a brick left by the time they're done. They fucking Ba Sing Si'd BB! No one's getting out unscathed from that!

And Omega Supreme had grabbed more Decepticons on the way over, both ones that followed Megatron's orders to come follow or that he literally just.....found in space and yanked inside himself to add to the growing collection. The ones already there give the newcomers the details and everyone just gets ready for a brawldown.

And oh, do they get one.

The second Omega Supreme sees Bumblebee again but it's not his BB.....that this isn't the happy, smiling, reckless and unapologetically loud bit of sunlight and warmth that helped him and loved him and cared for him. This is a doll wearing his skin, his face, talking in his voice in carefully measured tones so as to sound pleasing to hear and quiet enough to neatly dismiss. That they ripped every bit of life out of the minibot, damn near made him a drone in all but name, all to try and have him be the controller for the new Supreme being made.....

The Senate *burns*. The Noble district *burns*. All of Cybertron can hear Omega Supreme's roars and screams and the furious explosions he makes as he vents every last bit of anger and rage and despair he has.

The Decepticons barely have to do anything besides follow up on the few survivors. Starscream makes absolute full use of his everything here, using this once in a lifetime chance to get so so much done. Shockwave and the reclaimed Soundwave (tiny version) just shrug and dig into the now unguarded and cracked open computer systems. Theirs now.

Cybertron changes entirely in barely a day and if that's for better or worse, none can really tell. (it's for better, but it will be a while to get there, undoing all the damage that's been done)

I love that Omega just decided to kidnap as many decepticons along the way as he could. Good for him honestly. They don’t entirely know what’s going on but Lord Megatron says they’re storming Cybertron with the help of one of the Supremes, sooo ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ PRAISE BE TO DECEPTICONS! RAISE YOUR WEAPONS! TODAY WE TAKE CYBERTRON OR WE DIE TRYING!!!!!!!!!

Ahem

Anyway. With the government reduced to ashes and the nobles torn down from their high towers, Cybertron is in a severely fragile state at the moment. Survivors of the elite guard scramble to run damage control and get their power back before the cons can snap it up, but they’re not fast enough. Their power was built on propaganda and fear and blind obedience, so their followers were quick to abandon them and slow to offer support in this time of crisis. Funny how that works 🙄

Omega is content to leave the decepticons to their own devices; he could not give less of a damn about what happens to this miserable planet going forwards. Look what those monsters did to Bee 🥺 he’s completely ruined, his personality stripped away, reduced to nothing but a drone that smiles an empty smile with cold, dead optics staring out of his face. He tries desperately to reach him, to get that connection back and get Bumblebee to remember, but the council really did a number on him. His memories are securely locked down if not deleted all together. I’d say there’s probably a good chance they shadowplayed him as well. I wouldn’t put it past them, sculpting and molding him into the perfect control system for their shiny new weapon of mass destruction. A master brain surgeon might be able to help him, depending on how angst we want this to be. Thoughts? 👀

Closing remark that I forgot to add: “This is a doll wearing his skin, his face, talking in his voice” is some s-tier prose and you should be proud of it 💖

#OS×BB AU

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nimona-antifa · 2 years ago

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This is why I find TERFs and antis so infuriating. At this point anyone who disowns or argues about ANY queer person is a fed to me. You're gonna tell someone to kill themselves because you don't like something they ship? Fed. You're gonna tell someone they're not really queer because they are or aren't (insert label here)? Fed. You're gonna tell me kink doesn't belong at pride? Fed. I've been through enough shit to know that you can do everything right. You can be as presentable, white bread, log cabin, antichoice, TERF as they want and it will NEVER. be enough. Not until you're cishet and/or dead. So I say fuck them. Be as queer and trans and loud and proud as you want. Don't give them an inch. Be yourself unapologetically.

So within two days of each other, Fox News writes an article comparing aromanticism and asexuality to pedophilia, and then Matt Walsh releases a video saying asexuality is a mental illness and asexuals are tricking teenagers into having depression.

Not sure what’s going on right now over in Conservative World, but it’s a hell of wild U-turn for them to suddenly switch from “Oh no! The left is sexualizing our children!” to “Oh no! The left is asexualizing our children!”

#important #kink at pride #fuck the hays code

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noisycowboyglitter · 11 months ago

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benefits1986 · 1 year ago

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123123: Arrivals & Departures

Still so in love with Departures (Okuribito), a 2008 Japanese film.

Today marks the end of 2023 szn, and let me try to say adios to this very curious year, shall we?

Currently trying to fight the signs of aging and a probable flu as I've been exposed to my tito who came from Thailand and caught the virus. I also tried biking under bipolar weather conditions accompanied by cool winds, because, biking is a bitch; biking is life. I didn't go for the 100-km route to San Pablo because dad is shaking. LOL.

Still have too many things to do especially for work, but, here we are. I've been posting quite a lot on my feed but, this time around, it's an ode to the dear departed's loving memories, life and love lessons. I still evade the photos and videos featuring me, but, I allow some "must have" shots here, there and everywhere. DOUBLE DRAGON: MOTHER DRAGONS UNITED

This 2023, losing my last standing grandparent, my ina at 88 years old allowed me to face and manage my mom issues. I know I have been a loud and proud mother dragon's girl, but, as aligned with her in heaven and here at our tiny Manila home, it's my turn to make things happen and let things happen.

Speaking of which, I always ask mom to look after our house especially during times when I'd be gone for longer than usual. When we arrived this morning, all the lights I turned off and even the air con that I double checked with dad is on. Yes, mother dragon is not kidding when I said that she keeps our house intact. She had a "cold" welcome, her signature vibe. Dad said that it kinda reminds him of Casper, the friendly ghost. I never felt mom haunted our Manila house; however, I feel her at times especially this Q4 2023. This "paradam" is not intrusive, strictly speaking; but is generally comforting and challenging. Her Taurus trail is unapologetic, spot on and, yes, bulldozing a lot of times; but, she trained her dragon baby well. While I'm still learning and unlearning the ultra femme side of life with my Cancer-Aries twists and turns, I am certain that she's slowly clapping with her RBF on. While it's gonna be 12 years with her come June 2024, I know that this time around, kaya ko na talaga with feelings na. DOUBLE C CUPS

As I'm looking after two boomers in the family who are battling the Big C, I'm reminded of Tito Taurus' departure. I can say that roadtrips as a passenger princess being fed tabing-daan food keeps me up and has a bittersweet vibe now. I'm no longer overstimulated with the thought of dealing with lumps that are all off to palliative care. These days, I am able to talk to these two boomers with compassion as opposed to jam-packed action items, only. I'm more focused on the quality of life rather than seeing number bumps and vital stats booming all the way up. It's actually my best apology to Tito Taurus who I lambasted with very little lambing even days before he went under the knife. I know he's smirking right now and he doesn't give a damn about this apology; however, I also know that I'm fulfilling my promise to him --making better choices than he did; and just doing it with humility no matter how ugh it feels, sounds and looks. I just hope that these two boomers survive this crazy adventure and that they be surrounded with full support especially on the emotional and mental side of this battle.

Seeing them go down the drain still breaks my heart and soul; however, I'm hanging onto the studies that have shown that there's better chances of surviving this Big C bitch. Let's go. I know that the battle will end at their final destination, but may their days and nights be filled with living life to the fullest as they embrace the power of complete surrender after the fights they're facing and winning, so far.

CHOKE ME, DADDY... NO MORE

I'm also saying adios to my well-loved daddy issues, finally. Must be because dad is on takbong wonky B even when his 29er is adjusting way too much. He even said several times na matulin din naman pala my wonky B. So, I'd have to adjust with his pace also in the coming days, weeks, months and years. His holiday wish? For me to be gentler even when he's not gonna back down. LOL. "Anak, alam mo naman tatay mo, 'di ba? Init ulo talaga ako. 'Wag mo na lang akong masyadong patulan. Ikaw din naman naga-adjust 'di ba?" Hahaha. This line is actually his first official line to ask it nicely AND genuinely. May humility na siya now and syempre, his only daughter is more grounded, too. It's never gonna perfect, but, I know this is our new chapter, together and apart, too.

OH, BABY, BABY BRO

Since my brother has a new kid on the block, I'm actually stepping on the break more and more, as I try my best to be gentler with him, just like the old days. Unlike the old days, though, I come with "wisdom" as a Tita who has 7 and counting anak-anakans including him.

My brother usually calls me but I don't answer readily. LOL. The past weeks though, even when I'm not a fan of kids especially babies who just babble away, I try my best to engage with my pamangkin. I can't wait for him to grow up so we can bike with Ely. LOL. Matagal-tagal pa 'yun, but I'm patient naman sa antayan at ahunan, I guess. What bike to give these two babies kaya who'd be toddlers by then? Abangan! LOL. Shemay.

BABA, BLACK SHEEP

As my 4th anak-anakan shared, I'm not a black sheep. I guess it's her saying that I'm but postmodern. LOL. Kidding aside, as I come home to ina and ama's humble home in the sleepy town of Laguna, I'm faced with so many emotions that are being filmed and ready to be processed in the dark room where death and life come as one. It's not easy as our family is not the type who'd down tough conversations. However, I feel like as an empath, I am allowing myself to touch-base with them along with specific boundaries. Before, I'd go all out in checking on everyone. Happy to share that this is the first ever holiday that I didn't lift a finger. No stress about what to cook, bring, gift and all stuff and fluff. I'm now in my era where I share a bit of who I really am and who I am really not with them, too.

SOUL SIS SIZZLES

It's really nice to have soul sisters who are on different timezones because I get access to asynchronous responses and messages. LOL. While there are too many times I still forget to reply, I reply pa rin naman kahit mga ilang days na ang nakalipas.

And having them in countries that I like to visit one day is also an added push to do better and make more and more streams that are hopefully flowing steadily this 2024.

SCENTSATIONS Here's to revisiting the scents, the sounds, the feelings and everything in between involving past hurts, traumas and rejections. While at it, I'm totally ready to let these go. I think scents would be the trickiest because it rouses memories even those that I thought are no longer with me, those that were CTRL + ALT + DEL-ed ages ago. But, as I curate my tiny home outside Manila, I need these books to be closed, so I can open up new ones.

BATS, BATS: NO IF'S NOT BUTTS

As a sentimental scavenger which I got from mother dragon, this is easily one of the most curious tasks that is arriving officially this 2024. There are times when I ask myself the reason why I'm clearing out stuff. There'd be times when I'd think about dark thoughts, again and again. But, this time, I'd like to proceed with decluttering not only my physical space, but more importantly, my emotional, mental and spiritual space. It's time, finally. Let me be super clear that I don't aim for minimalism nor maximalism. I'm but trying to keep the old and the new in a state where they co-exist and make me feel more alive as I hopefully, breather deeper breaths. ULTIMATE DOG SHOW SZN

I need to work harder as a dog mom to my three dog kiddos. I know I'm quite decent especially when I've raised two 11-year old dogs for the first time in my life. LOL. However, I can sense their anxiety that obviously, comes from me. I think I've gone too far as a dogmom who gets unrequited love from them. While I know dogs love with no expectation, here's a version of me that's a bit gentler and kinder to them. GAH. Hassle pero sige, push na natin since they've really proven their worth through the years. Nothing fancy, just more bonding time and more treats for them at home.

ON YOUR KNEES, PLEASE

I've been more attuned with my prayer life, too. I'm still not big on the whole prod called praying in churches that much, but I guess, Uptown Chapel is a game changer. It's near work and not a lot of people go there. I hope that they keep the glass tinted because, there are times when I cry tiny tears even when I try to hold them back with all my heart and soul. LOL.

This Christmas Mass, I prayed for something that I've not prayed about since 2012. No other clue because it's actually a super passionate prayer that for me, myself and I. I don't know if it's gonna be a YES or NO or MAYBE SO, but, let's see, 2024! Gugulatin mo ba talaga ako ng tuluyan?

WHAT I DON'T TALK ABOUT WHEN I TALK ABOUT WRITING

There are still a good number of things that I'd like to keep to myself, for now. These are things that I consider in their brewing stage. I always tell people who try to reach out that I'm not an an open book, and that still holds true. However, I'd like to be more intentional and allow myself the benefit of the doubt in spite my still trusted issues.

I guess, I'd start with something that happened during my stay in ina's hometown. I actually talked about my adventures and misadventures regarding my dating history. Hahahahahaha. Shemay. Caught off guard with a series of sessions with really well-meaning titas and poof... I didn't salvage the discussions unlike before. In fairness, they enjoyed it and I must say that I had a decent time with them, too. I don't talk about my dating history in public because, I'm bleeding in scarlet sins.

They actually thought I have a non-existent dating life. LOL. Lo and behold, they are too excited for what's to come and I've got a reco/referral, already. Hahahahaha. Real quick, that one, but, as I've said: I'll keep on waiting 'til The Last One wins the real game. By game, I don't mean playing fucking games. Not anymore. Hodor.

Accio Always Era is here, there and everywhere for 2024, because, I guess, I'm ready for it. I'm still petrified, honestly, but, here's my giving things a really, really good try sa abot ng kapurit na kaya ko at kung anong ako at hindi ako. Editing my "checklist" because we've aged and gone frailer than usual, also. LOL. LABORA MAJORA

The wellness leave that has been overdue actually allowed me to look at my current work space from a healthy distance. It's different to be out of the office for quite some time, but I know I need this and want this especially as 2024 is here and now. It's not gonna be an easy year as I'd need to step up consistently and intentionally. However, I guess that I'm on my way to Ikigai era na rin because Japan is love. Also, I am giving me and V another chance to slay deadlines and beyond through my current job description and my current team, too. Losing V has been a solid push as I sink and swim in my new role that has been 6 months na pala rin. How time flies noh?

As the fireworks light up the sky this midnight, I'm doing the laundry while Vici is on my lap. LOL. I love how simple my YE and YO are. As in. In my ratty pambahay and Swiftie shirt from Linya-Linya pa. I love how I'm writing it out in mom's spot. I love how my lofi PL soothes me and keeps me up, too. I love how I don't indulge in an iced drink because I'm fighting a flu. I love how Vicks has an Xtra Strong variant. And I love how the peace is with me amidst the crazy putukan sa labas. I love the smell of fresh laundry. I love how Vidi and KD are fast asleep because they we're really tired from our uwi sa Laguna. I love how Vici, inspite being 11 is like a baby na akala mo first time mag-New Year. :p I love how I had cheese, prosciutto, rice and bottled tuyo with chili garlic bits. No alchohol, too. LOL. Baka bukas na or this coming weekend. I love how our YE lunch ni dad a while ago featured sinaing na tulingan and ginataang hipon na maliliit ala Laguna with pinya na ngayon. As a mababaw girly, this set up is best for me. :) Natawid ko rin, finally.

This is how 2023 ends, and how 2024 begins. Wala namang bago. Walang bago sa taon because it's but another social construct. However, this new year might actually be the start of the real me, only better, through it all. Still not a fan of festivities, but, ready to give each day and night a better try, maiba naman. Putukan na. Pasiklaban na. Pasavogue na.

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newwwwusername · 2 years ago

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Heartbreak High (Netflix Reboot) - Quinni & Quinni's Dads, Dusty & Dusty's Dad, Harper & Amerie, Sasha & Everyone, Darren & Darren's Parents, Spider & Spider's Parents, Ant/Spider, Jai & Malakai, Harper & Harper's Dad, Ca$h and Nan - Pride Month Prompt 6 : Coming Out

Warnings : References to underage sex, implied homophobia-centered child abuse, mentions of misgendering, I don't think it was SA but the threesome between Dusty/Malakai/Harper is talked about and I know some people read that as SA so might as well put that warning here as well Prompt : Write a fic in which an LGBT+ character (you get to pick the sexuality, romantic orientation, and/or gender identity) comes out to a friend. Whether or not the friend is also LGBT+ is up to you! Background relationships : Sasha/Quinni (but way before they actually dated and it's not super focused on, don't worry), Ant/Darren (past hookup), Harper/Dusty/Malakai (past hookup), Harper/Amerie (possibly one-sided), Ca$h/Darren Headcanons : Demigirl!Sasha (that was on her Wiki page but idk if it's confirmed or not, so I'm gonna put it here as a headcanon just in case), Bisexual!Amerie, Bisexual!Spider, Bisexual!Harper, Autistic!Ca$h (if you squint) Author's note : They're sort of in order of when I think they would've come out, not character importance. Also, no I did not forget Missy, I just didn't get a solid enough idea of her character to accurately write how that would go so I just didn't. She's great, I just don't know how to write her really

Quinni was rather young when she realized she was a lesbian.

Maybe it was because she was unapologetically Autistic and therefore didn't have as much care for social norms. Maybe it was because she had two dads who were sure to try and keep their daughter informed. Maybe it was just because girls were really hot and she couldn't ignore that.

Regardless, one day she came home from school and excitedly told her dads about this pretty girl who had just moved to her school named Sasha and how she was so cool and smart even though they were all in 4th grade.

Her dads just exchanged a knowing smile before asking for all the details about their kid's first crush.

----------

Dustin was in 6th grade when he fully had the thought of oh, I am NOT straight.

He figured it was puberty making his attraction to others harder to ignore because, in hindsight, he'd always found boys and girls equally as attractive.

"Hey, dad" he said one day after he came home from school.

"Hey, kid" his father replied. He seemed a little distracted, but Dustin didn't care. He was too excited about his realization to care. "How was school?"

"I like boys"

"Oh" his dad said. A tense moment passed and then he smiled. "Thanks for letting me know"

"Girls too" Dustin amended. "But yeah. I like boys"

"That's nice... How was school?"

"Boring"

"Right..."

----------

The first person Amerie came out to was Harper.

They were in 7th grade. It wasn't a situation where Amerie just suddenly realized then that she was bi- She'd always known she found boys and girls attractive- But that was when she first spoke it into existence.

"I'm bi" she said bluntly one night while Harper was staying over because her house was 'haunted' again. The platinum blonde looked over and smiled at her.

"That's sort of random"

"I just realized I hadn't told anyone that yet" Amerie shrugged. "Like, out loud. So why not tell you first?"

"I'm honored"

"Okay, smart ass" Amerie playfully shoved her and the two broke down into a fit of giggles.

----------

After Amerie became more open about being bi in 7th grade, that gave Sasha the confidence to start being loud and proud about who she was.

She put "she/they" in the bios of all her social media accounts, much to her family's confusion. They sent their family a few articles about what nonbinary was and they weren't the most receptive but she didn't care. She was gonna be herself whether everyone accepted it or not.

They also became the school lesbian- Sure, Quinni had been out for a while but Quinni was weird and didn't have any friends aside from Darren and her dads. Sasha, on the other hand, was sort of popular.

She quickly went all the way into environmental and queer rights activism, much to some of the boys' amusement.

They were out, and they would never try to hide it again.

----------

Darren had to come out to their parents twice.

The first time was rather uneventful. After Quinni had come out to her parents in 4th grade, Darren was inspired to tell their parents that they were gay.

Both of their parents took it... Fine. They weren't over the moon by any means but they weren't surprised, and they still loved them at the end of the day.

It was the summer before 11th grade, the year where the Incest Map would be discovered and change everything, when they decided to tell their parents that they were nonbinary.

This... Didn't go quite as well.

They figured it could've gone worse, for sure. They could've been kicked out or beaten or blatantly told that they just weren't, but they weren't given a pool of acceptance either.

Their mom was just annoyed because it was just another thing that would make her kid ostracized. "Wouldn't it be easier if you just kept being a gay boy?" she asked. Darren rolled their eyes. "I mean aren't gay boys respected now"

"But I'm not a boy, mom" they insisted.

Their dad's reaction was slightly better, but they could tell he didn't fully get it either. Neither of their parents got it, and tensions only rised from there, especially since their parents kept misgendering them and didn't seem super invested in trying, especially their mom.

Whatever, they thought. At least I have Quinni

----------

Anthony wasn't given a choice when it came to coming out because the Incest Map was found and suddenly everyone knew that Darren- Who most people still just read as an effeminate boy- Had given him a handjob.

When his family got the call from the school, it was so bad that he wound up sneaking out of his window after the noise stopped and booked it to Spencer's.

Spencer's own parents didn't really care when they found out their kid wasn't straight- Then again, it probably sounded better since it came from him in response to the Incest Map rather than the map itself. There were no boys or Darrens linked to him on the Incest Map.

His parents were pretty absent in his life, so it literally didn't affect them, which he supposed was better than what happened to Anthony, who showed up at his doorstep at one in the morning, sobbing.

"Come in" Spencer said earnestly. "My parents went out for some sort of trip, so you won't have to worry about them" he continued. He barely had time to even tell his parents Hey, you probably heard about the sex map. Just so you know, it's not on the map, but I've definitely fucked around with boys before. Yes, including Ant. Please don't stop him from coming around we've never done it in this house, I promise before they left.

"My parents are really upset"

"About the Map?"

"About me getting a wristy from... Darren"

"Ah" Spencer nodded. Anthony's family had always been super religious. He should've seen this coming. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"Not really"

"Okay" Spencer replied. He'd never been great at comforting people but he always found himself caring a little more when it came to Anthony. "Anything else I can do to help?"

"...Cuddles?"

"Alright, mate"

----------

It was while Malakai was out camping with Jai that he opened up about what had happened with Harper and Dustin.

"After the thing with the cop, Dusty and Harper found me and we went back to... I think Dusty's house" he explained. "And we were all high and we ended up... Having a threesome"

"Alright" Jai nodded. "How do you feel about that?"

"A little gross" he admitted. "I mean, I'm not really into either of them and I think if I were sober or even just less upset I wouldn't have done it" he continued. "I don't blame either of them for that- Again, we were all sort of fucked up- But I didn't love it after the fact"

"Well, that's unfortunate"

"It's also made me... Question some things"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, I've never paid much attention to guys before, but it didn't feel completely wrong, doing all that with Dusty" he admitted, adamantly avoiding looking at the older man. "And now I keep thinking of the other boys in my grade in this different light... I don't know" he sighed. "I think I'm confused"

"It's okay to be confused" Jai assured him. "Thanks for trusting me with this"

"Yeah, of course, man"

----------

Harper's dad was stable and medicated for the first time in her life and she finally knew she would be safe enough to open up to him about the little crush she'd been developing over the years.

"I think I have a crush on Amerie" she said halfheartedly from the other side of the living room, focusing her line of sight on her lighter, which she flicked on and off repeatedly. Justin chuckled.

"That makes sense"

"What?"

"I mean, you've never shut up about how cool she is" he teased. She went slightly red. "I'd have been surprised if there weren't some other feelings there" he continued. "She's a nice girl"

"I don't know if she likes me back the same way" Harper told him. "I mean, I don't know either way, but I think our friendship is more important, y'know?" she asked, looking over at him. He nodded. "Just thought I'd tell you"

"I'm glad you can talk to me about this stuff now, ducky"

"Yeah" Harper smiled slightly. "Me too"

----------

It was a week or so after Ca$h got out of jail when he came out to his Nan.

He'd done some research as soon as he was out, determined to find a label to fit what was wrong with him, and he did find one. Asexual.

He was asexual and there were a lot of asexual people and he wasn't alone.

"Hey, Nan" he said as he exited his room. "Can I talk to you about something?"

"Of course, dear" she smiled up at him, glad he was opening up for once. He was always so tense. "What is it?"

"Well, I found a label that... Fits my sexuality" he explained. "I mean, you know I like Darren and Darren isn't a girl, right?" he asked. She nodded. "But, um, I've never wanted... Sex, with them or with anyone else, um..." he cleared his throat. "I was looking it up to try and figure out why that was and apparently it's called asexual. So, I guess I'm... Asexual"

"Okay" Nan smiled. "Well, I'm glad you've figured that out. It was sort of excruciating to sit by and watch you struggle"

"Also, me and Darren are dating now"

"I would expect nothing less" she chuckled. "You're a catch, Dougie"

"No, they're the catch"

"Same difference"

Do not repost on other sites! If you want to participate in this month's challenge, there are 30 LGBT-centered prompts that you can find here

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