#they're like my mental health is suffering bc parenting is so much work :(

[beneathsilverstars]

my ex is NOT beating the deadbeat mom allegations

[daz4i]

ok one last suicide post for today and i swear i'll try to be more chill after that. emphasis on try

(fair warning this is very whiny and negative) (also tw for somewhat graphic death stuff)

i am sooooo done with everything. it's nothing new, i just. can't stand being alive for even one more day. getting out of bed was so hard today bc what's even the point. and tomorrow i actually have some shit to do and i'm already exhausted. already have been exhausted for a few days. i hate routines i hate that every week is the same i hate that the only shit that can spice it up is like, medical appointments. i look at my calendar and i see i have nothing to look forward to and nothing going on besides usual shit + medical shit. and i'm tired of those too. and i'm back to being in pain every day so it feels like all the food changes i made were for nothing and I've just been extra suffering for nothing bc i'm still. in fucking. pain.

and like beyond the personal shit i'm also done with bigger stuff too! i'm tired of the war i'm tired of seeing so much suffering in the world i'm tired of seeing loved ones going to funerals of ppl in their 20s. i'm tired of people dismissing this pain bc there are other bigger issues, or because our lives don't matter bc the number of losses is lower (or bc they just fucking hate us and can't see us as individual humans rather than some homogeneous group). i'm tired of seeing ppl i love care less about other lives bc of this, too. i don't want to live here. i hate this country so much. i can't leave, i can't even manage to leave my parents' house. i'm scared to live here. i'm scared to live anywhere else bc everywhere in the world is unsafe for ppl like me. everywhere sucks. everything in the world sucks so much. anything that can be beautiful gets taken away or destroyed. the world is becoming worse every day in every conceivable way.

and there's no point to any of this! there's no point in trying to get better or to make things better!!! BECAUSE the world is going to shit!!! what's the point in me making my mental health better (an already very unlikely task to fulfill) if there's nowhere for me to live. what's the point in working in the only field i can handle if i won't be able to make a living off it. what's the point in trying to build a life of my own if it'll never really be mine anyway, bc i can't fucking do anything, i can't even do basic shit like eating or sleeping like a normal person, i can't walk or stand for too long, i can't be outside for so many reasons, i can't talk to people and i can't handle being alone, i'm always in pain and constantly nauseous no matter what i do or how i try to fix it, nothing about my body works right and especially not my brain that can't fucking do anything right and only keeps working to make everything about me worse. i wish i was brave enough to just stab myself or smth. preferably in the head so i can shut that brain up for once. i wish i was brave enough to jump off the 9th floor. i wish i could drown myself or cut myself till i bleed to death or. i don't know. i just want to die. i can't stand being alive. there is too much bad and the specks of good are so fleeting that they're not worth it, not to mention come with their own bad stuff usually. and all this. all this bad is just too much for me to handle. but it's a natural part of life that i can't avoid (tbf, most people don't staight up suffer to the point of wanting to die from like, eating or going to the bathroom, so it's probably easier for them). i was not meant to be alive i was not built to be alive i wish i died in the who knows how many times i almost did i wish i drowned as a kid i wish i bled to death when i split my head open i wish my heart actually stopped pumping blood when it almost did i wish that truck ran into me and killed me on the spot i wish the fucking terrorists shot me or stabbed me and made sure i was dead i wish those 30 pills would've actually done something. i'm so tired. i hate this. i hate being alive. i hate life itself. i'm done with everything i can't handle it anymore. i wish i wasn't a coward so i could at least try to die again. or someone was willing to kill me. or anything. i just. i can't.

[your--isgayrights]

Re: LSK, I just feel like they’d have told her? Like social services would at least let her know what happened to the kid that they literally think she killed for?

Anyways I’ve decided to be the change I want to see—

https://archiveofourown.org/works/46776781/chapters/117815713

Oh I'm glad you got around to writing your idea! Again enmasse mental health reveals are a bit of a squick for me personally, but if anyone was interested in the Anon story idea about a scenario regressing KDJ's age to his first meeting w/ a kdjco member that's what this is ^^ clickable here.

Also this isn't a value judgement on your interpretation or anything but I still feel a hard disagree about LSK being at all aware of KDJ's suicide attempt. I think it's important to me that that's like a vector of resentment he holds towards her, and I also think that if she were aware of it then there are a few points where it like would have been good for her to acknowledge that maybe in text and I'd prefer if the fact that she didn't came from her not knowing instead of knowing and not really understanding or smthn.

+ from LSK and KDJ's perspectives in text my interpretation was always that LSK purposefully cut herself off from news about her son and her son's life (to the point that he had to be the one to visit her only to be met with complete silence). + The relatives KDJ stayed with were his legal guardians and on his father's side of the family, the text made it clear that they don't initiate any contact with LSK and they would be the only people contacted by the hospital for KDJ's attempt, which, knowing SK society they would probably try to keep on the down low. And logistically, one of the huge human rights problems with prisons is that connection to the outside world is super limited, and LSK was only ever visited by KDJ after he turned 18 and was already obsessed with WoS. Like the "they" who would tell her probably only know her as her inmate number, they're not keeping track and telling her something she just ought to know bc prison guards don't consider inmates to be people lol. Hashtag ACAB hashtag prison abolition etc. Social services in particular in the case of imprisoned parents might intervene to specifically prevent information about children reaching bio parents lol.

I also think this point of isolation from the knowledge of every character in the story is really important to the nature of KDJ's suicide attempt. Like in my personal experience there's usually a factor of trying to externalize suffering that is usually silent, and because part of KDJ's suffering is that what others think of his mother's relationship to him doesn't match up with his reality where he has been abandoned I feel like it's a more empowering narrative to acknowledge that suffering as real and true instead of like oh LSK just knew all along and wanted to help him but couldn't 囧. Like it's so much realer and juicier to me if like KDJ is right that his mom doesn't really know him well or understand the extent or cause of his suffering bc she is just completely wrong about thinking that she knows what's best for him and that's central to their entire arc in text. Like LSK only works to me if pre cannon she is 100% convinced KDJ is living better off without her.

[philsmeatylegss]

Thank you for speaking out about this. You're right and it's important for people to talk about it openly. I work with autistic kids as well. I love doing it and usually the kids I work with are really sweet and we have a lot of fun together, but when they're having a meltdown things can get very dangerous very quickly. I had a kid threaten to throw a rock at me once. I had to take a week off of work bc I got a minor concussion after getting a plastic tub thrown at my head. That's nothing compared to what the parents have to go through sometimes. One of my clients ended up going to a behavioral health hospital bc she was so burnt out from caring for her autistic child. The sanitized version of autism that we see online is not always the reality and I'm glad someone is speaking out about it. It isn't ableist to talk about the ways that autism can be difficult for the families and caretakers of autistic kids. It's just a fact, and these people deserve just as much support and compassion as their children.

You just put what I’ve been trying to say into words that actually make sense so I thank you very much for that.

And that is exactly the point I was trying to make, I’m sure there’s many many adorable times working with autistic children. Their minds are usually so creative, unique, and endearing. But it’s also just as important to highlight the not so great parts which includes threats and violence. And know when I say this I place no blame on the autistic individual. They are suffering just as much and it’s neither persons fault. And you made a really great point about how sanitizing what autism is prevents many people to be aware of what autism truly is. And that prevents those people from being able to provide proper support to autistic individuals and their families. And you are right that all families deserve the same love and support.

I also want to add, just as someone who has been around to witness what a classroom of special needs children, specifically autistic children, is like, thank you for what you’re doing. Even if you stop doing it, thank you for putting in the time. The parents of these children very rarely get a break and it means a lot that you care for their children while they get some well deserved rest. I truly believe being a special needs teacher, especially with either young kids are post puberty teens, is one of the hardest jobs mentally. I can say for a fact that I wouldn’t be able to last a week at a profession such as yours. But I just wanted to add a thank you for giving these children a safe place to be while their parents can have some peace

[blimbie]

10/30/22

first time on tumblr in a while ! obvs since it's been more than 4 years since my last post, a lot has changed/happened in my life. Here are some things in no particular order:

have my own apartment, 2 cats, nice car

uhh covid happened. and is still happening

I started working part time as a teller at a bank at the beginning of 2019, went to full time, became a universal teller, then moved to a different branch as a head teller

tomorrow I start a new position in the company at the ops center as a call center rep. I'm nervous but am optimistic about it, bc it seems like I will actually be valued by my boss there

former boss from when I was a head teller was so manipulative and caused me so much anxiety that I developed chronic fatigue and gastroparesis. got intermittent FMLA time bc of how much it affected me

trying to decide whether I report anything to HR about how much I've suffered bc of my former boss

before I had my apartment my family moved to the next town over with my nana and papa all into one house. I left bc never being alone and having my papa around all the time was affecting my mental health

berni died a month or so ago... still very sad from that but trying not to dwell on it, bc I dont think she would want me to

been experiencing a lot of uncontrollable anxiety for a while, lately making my heart beat really fast, but I'm trying to use art (mostly zentangle and wood-painting projects) to ground myself

I still talk with Charlene. it's over the phone now bc of covid, we have appointments once a week

I visit my family multiple times a week, a lot of times to have dinner when I get out of work. I love them all very much and think that having my own apartment has helped me enjoy my time with them more.

money is p tight right now for me, I'm *just* making it with rent and electric and copays etc. Hoping to get a raise soon after I switch positions

my parents still have edie and winnie, and they begrudgingly coexist. we couldnt find a home for winnie and couldnt bear to part with another dog...no major incidents since the one in my last post

ginnie got a kitten and named him Moose! he never stops moving and loves to play and bite lol. he was a barn kitten from my friend. my parents absolutely love him and wish he were theirs

ginnie has a boyfriend now and hes really nice. I think theyve been together for like 2 years now? they went to elementary school together and reconnected thru some video game. he has proven to really be a genuinely good person over this past summer bc ginnie went into this spiraling anxiety episode that lasted months, and was still supportive of her the whole time. (I know that should be the bare minimum, but he also like was very mature about it, took the time to comfort her, and did not even express that he was overwhelmed, bc that would have been perfectly understandable.) shes still recovering from it and takes meds for it, and also has a therapist she speaks with like once a week. she seems to be doing a lot better and is willing to try to go out and do things

today, I'm going to visit my parents house for dinner and cake to celebrate getting this new position. atlas was gonna go but they decided to stay home bc they're tired (which is fair)

atlas has a serious boyfriend and lives with him in their bosses' house on the 3rd floor. they have Moose's brother, who I named Scrump, along with Gruffen and Matt's puppy named Ripley. things have not been easy for atlas and matt but they are working together to try and make a good life for each other

...right now, I am sitting on my couch with my cat Mochi in my lap. he is warm and loves me a lot. he wants to be with me all the time. hes also a dummy and loves to run around and cause trouble. Maisie is either in my room all cozy or in her kitchen window bed all cozy. she loves me very much too, just in a less blatant way than Mochi. I got maisie first and have known her since she was like 2 weeks old. she was a barn kitten and is now 2 years old. she can be a brat but she is my brat and I love her so much too

...thats all I can think of right now. although things have been shaky and my anxiety can be unpredictable, I have a good support system and as long as I try my best, that's all anyone can ask for.

[mbti-notes]

Anon wrote: hi, I typed myself as an INFJ and I'm having some problems accepting that I can make mistakes because I fear I'll make a mistake that shouldn't be seen as a one and that I should be severely punished for it. I do have a past of being punished constantly by both my parents and peers so I have feeling that it influenced this thinking.

I don't know what constitutes as a mistake that I can grow from and what constitutes as one that I should be punished for and get hurt for. Especially with the cancel culture rising and how social media works in general, this fear is much more immense because people are being shamed and seen as irredeemable for every mistake and how people esp celebrities are now always labeled by their past bad deeds no matter what they're like now.

I've also seen a lot of people saying that giving "bad" people a chance to grow is a disservice to the people they've hurt, and I'm afraid of thinking otherwise bc I don't want to hurt the victims by doing so or possibly turn completely immoral by going against it. Sure, one may say the chance of me being an extremely bad person is low but there's still a chance and that chance just gives me fear. Forgive me if this is incredibly convoluted, do you have any advice on how I should overcome all this?

---------------------

1) How old are you? This is quite relevant because your understanding of morality is indicative of childhood, which is problematic if you are already an adult. You mentioned a severely punitive upbringing, which provides some useful context. However, an essential aspect of growing into adulthood is establishing independence and shaking off the aspects of your upbringing that hold you back from self-actualization. If you are an adult, you will have to dig deeper into the psychological impediments that have held back your psychological development. As INFJ, the desire to be perfect, suffering from severe guilt/shame, and being trapped in excessive fear of negative social consequences are all signs of unhealthy Fe.

2) Any mistake that you make should be used as fodder for learning. However, you have to be able to recognize and admit to mistakes in order to learn from them. As long as you feel sorry for having made the mistake, you should have the motivation to not repeat it, to understand how it happened, and to put in place a strategy for doing better. That is how one grows throughout life.

3) Perhaps you should spend less time on social media because your perception of the world seems to have been heavily distorted by it. The social media environment is not conducive to healthy relationships. It cannot substitute for the learning that you get from forming, navigating, and developing long term relationships in real life. You already have a history of unhealthy familial relationships. Spending too much time on social media will only exacerbate those problems unless you are very, very mindful of using it properly to further your personal learning and growth only.

People at low levels of ego development are very prone to projection, which often manifests as judgmentalness. The distance and anonymity of social media make people blind to the consequences of their behavior, which creates the perfect space for people to carelessly air their personal drama, grievances, and condemnations. If you care about mental health, both yours and others', it's not a good idea to get roped into adding your drama into that toxic mix. Do you really think it's a great use of your time to get emotionally entangled in that? Do you really think that social media, with its tendency toward extremism, is the best place for you to acquire wisdom about humanity and morality?

4) Shouldn't the punishment people receive be fair and proportionate to the mistake they made? It seems that your thinking lacks this kind of nuance, and this nuance is certainly lacking in conflicts that play out in the social media sphere. You use the word "irredeemable" but don't know what it means. Generally speaking, we label people as irredeemable when they won't listen to fair criticism, continually deny that harm was done, and show no guilt, shame, regret, or remorse for the harm that they have inflicted. Does this describe you? You don't seem to understand the concept of "intention". We might also label people as irredeemable when they intend to inflict harm and show no qualms about hurting/exploiting others for their own selfish gain. Does this describe you?

A person who is afraid of hurting others already has the self-awareness necessary to redeem themselves. They are willing to learn, correct their behavior, and atone for their mistakes. To err is human. Nobody's perfect. Expecting yourself to be perfect leads to self-violence. What matters most is how you confront your shortcomings when you discover them or when they are pointed out to you.

See also #morality for previous posts on the topic.

[homeofhousechickens]

what's your opinion on keeping domesticated birds (like pigeons) vs non-domesticated birds (like parrots) inside?

I'm asking bc I really want a bird, and I have some experience with budgies from my childhood. But I'm morally conflicted about having non-domesticated birds indoors, even with all the enrichment and walks (flights?) I can give these birds. I've seen people say that it's more humane if they're bought from a breeder or refuge, but I'm still unsure.

(Keep in mind everytime you bring a bird outside there is a biosecurity risk and your bird could get sick especially a parrot)

Pigeons easily thrive in indoor conditions and can safely bond with their owners with no health repercussions.

Keep in mind when i say bond i mean mate bond. Fluffernutter and Loki see me as their wife and their is no negative health benefits for pigeons associated with that.

Below is a picture of Fluffernutter brooding a fake egg at my desk. This is something you absolutly shouldnt do with parrots as it can and will effect them negatively.

My pigeons are from various backgrounds and they all make great pets. I dont think that parrots can be so adaptable the same way.

Loki was orginally a feral, Fluffernutter was bred as part as therapy bird project, and Emilio was retired from that same project, but before that he was a show bird.

But back to parrots, I believe most parrots are not ment for captivity at all especially Cockatoos.

My friend has a Cockatoo that he loves very much, but he regrets having her, he regrets that Cockatoos are apart of the pet trade in the first place. They are so intelligent but are so prone to fungal infections and self harm/plucking, it doesnt matter if you have a really good set up like my friend does sometimes the bird just becomes obsessed with mutilating itself.. that shouldnt be so common.

I also think birds like cockatiels and budgies do "alright" in captivity but they are at the mercy of mill breeders and people who raise imprints (if you raise purposefully human imprinted parrots you make me want to rip my hair out)

Cockatiels are prone to hormonal issues and reproductive issues where hens are prone to chronic egg laying and prone to SCREAMING when hormonal almost constantly. Both Cockatiels and budgies are such a shit show health-wise due to the mill breeding.

I believe parrots just do best in a large outdoor aviary set up with lots of constant changing enrichment, parrots who are raised by their parents in these sort of setups seem to produce more functional children who are less prone to mutilation. If you ever met a wild caught parrot who has been tamed down the differences between them and a typical mill bird are like night and day.

I also have seen so many parrots bring their owners stress and mental breakdowns due to their noise, health issues and destructive capabilities. At some point its unethical to the human for them to have a parrot.

Can you handle your parrot destorying your electrical cords and technology? What about your walls? Can you handle it if the parrot hates you and bites you and screams at all hours? Could you still provide it the constant enrichment it needs even for a lifetime?

In my opinion i just feel like the average pet owner cant handle that, and thats okay! Parrots really shouldnt be seen as easy or common pets as they are wild animals.

If you still want to open up your home to one I feel like there are 2 ways to go about, rescue a bird who is in need of home, or buy from a breeder who doesnt imprint and is actually working towards domestication.

Sometimes i get people who message me afraid and ashamed that they own parrots and that im going to judge them and that makes me sad.

I just believe their is a bunch of unethical stuff going on in the pet parrot trade for both humans and parrots.

It sucks that both parrots and owners suffer due to mill breeders and poor ownership education.

Pigeons and chickens are just alot quieter and less destructive. You can cuddle them and safely diaper them and they just make phenomenal pets.

They have lived with us in our homes or in a coop/loft as our livestock/pets for thousands of years and are very adapted to us and we are honestly adapted to them as well.

If your interested in pigeons or chickens feel free to dm me but if your still more interested in parrots im sure i have some wonderful followers who may be able to give their opinion or help you find a parrot for your home. As this is a chicken blog and my specialty is chickens.

(I also think its a bit strange so many people have birds who are from countries that dont allow those same native birds to be pets, instead those people get domesticated pigeons, canaries, chickens, ect as pets so im wondering why the rest of the world cant do the same?)

[kettlewrites]

thanks for your sweet words ;; sometimes i just cope by crying myself to sleep & when i feel a little bit better i'd cheer myself by reading some fics on tumblr especially social media au cs they're usually funny!! you what makes me sad is its my senior year&ive been dealing with lots of friendship issue, both that i really treasure but ended up being betrayed. so this year i end up closing myself&build walls bcs im afraid of opening up. im always alone at school & its too late to find a clique

♡ 

[cont. below]

so yeah i thought my previous failed friendship could last bcs i genuinely like the momentum of our friendship, its one of kind but then there's always to dislike about me and they always end up making false rumors about me, others will believe them bcs they were close to me. i got afraid to be close with someone&i'd just do my own thing. its sad bcs during senior year i should have fun with my clique and create memories i can look back when i grow up, but its too late i guess everybody knows everybody already, they have their own cliques & tons of inside jokes that i cant relate if i ever force myself to join one so i just decide to go through this year independantly bcs this is my last year and i wont be seeing their faces anymore. i used to be vvvv cheerful & carefree back then before the issues but after all the drama i got trust issue and find myself to be very cautious in everything i do? like there's no freedom and im always afraid of getting hurt it sucks as if friendship issues arent enough to abuse my emotions, life gave me a problematic family. its complicated. my parents are divorce but both of them keep finding issues to argue? the thing is they argue by themselves only its okay, but they ALWAYS involve their children. and it makes me suffer emotionally. I get scared to talk about my probs to them bcs when they are on mood swings they'd always bring back my insecurities&probs to win the argument. i trusted them but all they do is hurt me im sorry for bothering you!!! you did say to lean on you so i made myself comfy in your ask ;; last night i got into a pretty bad argument with my fam so i cried myself to sleep and i wike up at 3am & thats when i found your au!! I read tons of au last night every single one made my night/day(??) it helps me to lift up the burden i had from last night. Thank you for making great aus 💛 even after the argument, nobody asked me if i was alright. im 17 fgs & this been going on since i was 11

:( im so sorry that you are going through all of this honey, it’s really sad to also know you didn’t have anyone to lean on. i understand how it feels to be outcasted and holding back from being your true self. in my three (almost four) years of high school i have lost and gained friends. mainly this year kicked my ass. i had gained new friends and lost friends who were really close to me as i realized how toxic they were (i hadn’t known prior to this year i believed that it was normal) and i know you think you should be making new memories with cliques, but believe me don’t force something that is not there. you’ll make memories no doubt, but don’t try to force it with people because you’ll turn back and remember how miserable you probably were for trying to force it :( fun memories should be raw and candid, that’s why they’re fun memories. and i understand, the false rumors,, just please don’t listen to them you know they aren’t true so why be bothered by them! i know it’s easier said than done, but please know it’ll benefit you in the future. plus it’s your senior year, you won’t ever see these people ever again. you’ll most definitely find a new group of friends in college,, plus to keep friendships that lasted in hs is kind of impractical and most of the time don’t always work out if im being honest. everyone goes their separate ways, no matter how hard you try to keep yourselves together. that’s just life :( and i know trust issues hold you back but know that the right people are on their way to break down your walls and hold you close. you deserve that, everyone does :( and with your parents, i can understand that too,,, my parents are divorced too and for half of my life they spent their times arguing and fighting over me which really messed with my mentality. (they’ve stopped now as they both have their own new separate families) just know that you’ll be out of this mess soon! :( just remember to take care of yourself and have fun in this life,, you only have one so why not live it to your fullest. i know stuff is holding you back, but you’ll never get what you want if you let it so as hard as it is just break your own walls down and let yourself live freely like you used to. it will be so much better for your mentality and health honey :( please stay healthy and safe. i love you so much, if you want to talk to me ever again feel free to message me or just make yourself comfy in my ask box again :’) i’m always here for you!!