#they’re ever so toxic they love each other they despise each other they know everything about each other they know nothing about each other

[lemoncholy-stars]

it’s thinking about nadine and ellis hours y’all

[adisplanet]

“Barry and Evan are so toxic” YES i KNOW thats why its PERFECT

It seems like they hate each other. Not some friendly rivalry, not even a frenemy type of thing - from an outside perspective it seems like they actually DESPISE each other and literally no one ever thinks that they’re actually together because why would they?

But their love is just as strong (if not more so) than their hatred. It’s all passion, everything they do - how they fight, how they yell, how they love. Two sides of the same coin, really. Their arguments are filled with love that they aren’t sure how to express and sure, they’re a little broken, a little crazy, but who isn’t? I love them

[kkbardd]

so uhh i got summoned to asurei court, if anyone's interested in my testimony papers, theyre down below the cut. (aka my whole take on how i believe their dynamic would develop in cannon)

asurei isn’t for everyone & its whole point is unhealthy dependence.. toxic yuri if u will.. anything resembling a healthy relationship would only be in one of the alt universes created by the 3rd impact 💀 rei and asuka both have what the other wants (whether it be the worth asuka puts on recognition of piloting skills or rei's desire to break from mindless obedience like asuka seems to do so easily.) They both hate and admire each other for this, and asuka specifically expresses this by lashing out at rei. asuka's whole relationship w lesbian comphet plays a HUGE role into all of this but let’s gloss over it for the time being. (now, with asurei u gotta get a bit delusional cuz cannon doesn’t give us much so from here on out is just my opinion on how it'd play out.)

in terms of rei's POV in this:

rei hates the attention they gets from men, and is especially disgusted by gendo's fake kindness. he sees rei as a replaceable doll and pushes yui's image on them. gendo has never actually seen rei for who they really are, and rei later begins to hate and despise not only gendo but themselves too. in the anime, rei is shown to have self destructive tendencies & suicidal ideation because not only are they constantly being replaced & having their memory wiped, but each time they forget any sort of emotion that they learn in the meantime. recall the scene in which rei, right after being "revived" and left with no memory, sees gendo's glasses. although they cant remember anything, its hinted that their "soul" still remembers and hates him. rei tries to break the glasses but in the end, they’re still unable to defy and break free from their situation. feeling frustrated and helpless, rei starts crying & remarks how this should be the first time they've experienced it but somehow it feels like its not. back to the present, reis acting very reckless in battle and basically using themselves as a meat shield. they're so full of self-hate, and seeing asuka's obvious inferiority to them just upsets them even more. why does she put so much worth on the one thing that acts like a plague to them? compared to these pointless test results on a screen, asuka has something so much more valuable. the ability to think for themselves, to not be someone's doll. asuka's inferiority is almost insulting. rei verbally lashes out at asuka in the elevator, showing defiance that they never knew they could produce. it felt almost liberating. they find that being around asuka gives them emotions that they've always longed for, no matter how ugly they may be. they soon find themselves seeking asuka out, and the inferiority that was once insulting became a means to control and keep her close. asuka, someone who was seemingly invincible and can roam free without care, has one weakness that causes her to crack and shatter from the slightest touch. and that weakness is none other than rei themselves. rei becomes possessive in a way that they've never known possible. so much so that a part of them starts to hate themselves, fearing they've become just like their abuser gendo. nonetheless, rei begins to value their life more. they become deathly afraid of dying & being replaced by some mindless clone that has forgotten everything they now know about asuka and themself.

now what is asuka doing in all of this?

asuka deals with a lot of comphet and its an integral part of her character, so much so that it doesn’t seem right to not mention it. but to quickly summarize, because of this she has a love-hate relationship with attention from men. she feels disgusted by it but gets extremely jealous when it seems like another girl might replace her. then comes rei. (now what most ppl don’t seem to notice is asuka didnt start off hating rei, she tried to be friends but ever since the beginning misato has ALWYAYS pitted them against each other. this of course led asuka to feeling threatened & seeing rei as an enemy. especially since it involves piloting ability, something that asuka sees as her whole point of living.) she begins to hate her because how can someone who is so good at piloting be so brainless and doll-like. that’s exactly what asuka was trying so hard to not become! in this aspect, rei's entire existence defies what asuka has tried so hard to believe in up to this point. her hate & inferiority towards rei is only made worse when she sees that they're not only being objectified by men, but are seemingly unbothered by it unlike asuka. rei is now constantly on her mind, and asuka starts to realize that what she's feeling towards them isn’t just hate. its around the time of the elevator scene that these confusing emotions and inferiorities are at their peak. right after this, asuka goes into battle & is ordered to be rei's backup. she defies this order but receives a mental attack from an angel that causes her to re-live all of her trauma & comphet issues. the person that saved her from this is none other than rei. at this point asuka is at an all-time low, and states that she'd rather be left for dead than saved by someone like rei. she’s still confused by her feelings towards rei, but right now her hatred and insecurity is taking priority. its right after this battle that her synchro rates plummet and she loses the #1 thing she based her life worth on. she then goes out to die in an abandoned building but is eventually retrieved by NERV. I believe that during this time alone, she’s also wallowing in her feelings for rei and coming to terms with a lot of comphet stuff, especially after that psychological attack. right after this the world like ends or whatever but lets forget that for now & extend time cuz the gays need it 🥰 .

rei and asuka at this point realize their feelings in one way or another, and there's a lot of tension in their conversations. asuka is at a very fragile point rn bc of all the stuff that just went on, and rei is unsure how to go about things, half due to their inexperience & half due to their fear of becoming like gendo. however, asuka realizes rei is acting different from before, and advances on them as a way of lashing out. but to her surprise rei is undefiant and actually willingly helpless in her hands. she feels a rush of superiority and is amused by how inexperienced rei is. she also realizes that unlike her previous experiences with men (like when she tried to kiss shinji but didnt want to see, smell, taste, or even feel it & had a mental breakdown afterwards lol ) she actually likes it!? the romantic/sexual affirmation that asuka has always wanted from men like kaji is being fulfilled by rei in a way that asuka feels completely in control & comfortable. she's not forcing herself or being objectified, but rather is taking the lead. this is something she never imagined possible before. and all of this is with rei to boot! the rei that, in asuka's eyes, has always looked down on her and been unobtainable is now melting in her hands like putty. there’s a sense of accomplishment she feels, which makes her want to push rei even more. she finally has authority and to make herself feel better, she takes it out on rei through advances like this. she goes further and further, and in an ironic way, uses intimacy as a form of self-harm. she feels shame and despises herself for doing such things with ill-intent, and with another woman at that. its a toxic relationship that tries to fill the hole in her heart, but only leads to a bigger one forming.

when asuka first advanced onto rei, they felt something unlike anything before. unlike when gendo would often touch their shoulder, rei didnt recoil from asuka's touch. rei also felt something similar to asuka, in that the person who always seemed unbound by anything in now giving them her undivided attention. the fact that this came from an act of anger didnt really bother rei, since they knew from the beginning that was one of the only ways to get asuka to even spare them a glance. rei would gladly become hated if it meant binding asuka to them. in a mix of touch-starvedness & unhealthy dependency on asuka, rei kept looking forward to any interacting with asuka, since it was what really made them feel alive. asuka slowly becomes rei's world and meaning for living, but they eventually realize that causes a great insecurity. asuka is independent and can go anywhere she wants if she feels like it. from rei's pov, asuka desperately wants attention from men, something that rei could never give her. rei's afraid that asuka will leave them, & to tie asuka down they play the role of a villain. rei keeps asuka feeling insecure by becoming what asuka envisioned them as, and slowly starts hacking away at asuka's Achille's heel. rei desperately uses the short time that asuka has given them to engrain themself into her, so much so that asuka would be nothing without them. rei cannot let asuka realize her worth for fear that she would leave them. rei notices that asuka enjoys seeing them helpless and plays the part, almost like a honeytrap. slowly tho I believe that rei starts to take control of the relationship in hopes of making asuka dependent on them.

Asurei is in no way a wholesome relationship, and ik that’s not for everyone.. my vision of a happy end for them would be both of them becoming comfortable in their relationship and finding that the actions they once used to express hatred for themselves and each other is now slowly becoming fueled by love and desire for each other. They form a very unhealthy co-dependence on each other, but for them it works. They cant envision a world without the other in it.

[teklarn]

𝔂𝓸𝓾'𝓻𝓮 𝓷𝓸𝓽 𝓶𝔂 𝓫𝓸𝔂𝓯𝓻𝓲𝓮𝓷𝓭 - 𝓴. 𝓫𝓪𝓴𝓾𝓰𝓸𝓾 (𝓹𝓽. 2)

 character(s): katsuki bakugou x gn!reader 

a/n: ok so i just started writing on tumblr and honestly in my opinion for my first time posting smth on this the first part did really well thank u for all the likes :) (told from second pov; e.g you, your) reblogs are greatly appreciated :))

summary: bakugou x gn!reader. they have feelings for one another but have no idea how to express them, however y/n has someone pining for their attention. 

genre: a lil bit angsty 

warnings: cursing, jealousy, mutual pining, slow burn romance, aged-up to third year, love triangle (square?), physical injuries, kirishima gets a little toxic, also shirtless bakugou (awooga), a crap ton of time skips bc i can’t write action scenes for shit, bakugou is a flirt (lowkey but yeah), mentions of blood 

word count: 2112

pt 1 , pt 3

- - - 

kirishima had broken the skin on his lower lip with how hard he was biting it. he stood in the bathroom, rinsing his mouth, ignoring the slight sting the water brought. 

y/n was currently being blasted by bakugou, and they were fighting back. 

jealousy panged in his chest. 

bakugou had never let him know about how he felt about you, however kirishima was sure he felt something for them. you and bakugou were both a jumble of prideful and longing stares towards each other from across every room. the tension was thick enough to slice through. and while kirishima would never make a move in fear of ruining the friendship between him and bakugou, as well as him and y/n, gosh it didn’t stop him from wanting to. 

he’d stood on the side, cheering you on to no end. the sports festival last year, the year before that, training exercises, he was always there. kirishima was always there. 

whenever you needed him, whenever you wanted his company. so what did bakugou have over him? sure, the blond was strong and had bigger goals than kirishima, but why should that matter? 

what did bakugou have? why would you want him more when he was never near you? never made an effort to see you to be there when you asked for help. 

it was popular belief that bakugou was a noisy idiot, but he was actually quite a quiet boy. he didn’t bother to raise his hand in class, however he always knew the answer. he spoke rarely and only made conversation with those he was close with if they were the ones to make the effort to converse with him first. 

jealousy, jealousy, jealousy. kirishima despised it. 

whenever did he begin wanting to beat bakugou at something? 

the cloud of guilt welling up in his chest was going to become unbearable, and soon everything he ever wanted to say was going to come up like word vomit at the worst possible time. 

- 

you swiped at your cheek, brushing off the crumbling dirt. your timing had been off, and their flip backwards had landed you in an awkward position. a vulnerable one. 

honestly, though, it wasn’t like it really mattered. bakugou was a bit transparent himself. he wore a smug look like a golden medal, and held back his power just enough to keep you on your feet. 

his cocky attitude was irritating and it drew you in like a moth drawn to a lamp. 

sweat was beading down your temple. the day was exceptionally hot, the sun beaming down on your back like a proud child. 

you and bakugou had been at it for a while. with anyone else, you would have quit by now. it’s not that you gave up easily. no, not ever. but fights could get boring, especially if you were just smashing away at them with your quirk and they were acting like they could take it. 

perhaps you were being cocky. 

this fight, though. this was interesting. not only because it was bakugou; also because you knew so little about him. 

it was likely he never shared anything important to anyone. he was quite introverted. 

it was interesting for another reason. 

it was hot, bakugou sweats a lot. gosh, he looked delicious without a shirt on. he had a built figure accompanied by strong arms and a broad chest. 

he’d filled out quite nicely the past few years. you hadn’t noticed until now how much he’d grown. 

“don’t get distracted.” 

your eyes snapped up from his chest to his eyes. bakugou became a blur, shooting himself off the ground and flipping once in the air before propelling himself back down. 

before you could do anything, bakugou had you pinned, one leg pinning yours, both his hands wrapped around your wrists. he’d ditched his gauntlets, leaving the metal assistants in the sweltering heat, claiming he wanted to give you an equal fight. 

he panted atop you, hands tightening. 

tokage didn’t bother to leave her dorm today, thank goodness. it had just been the three of you. you, bakugou, and kirishima. 

the red head had suspiciously vanished halfway through the fight, though.

bakugou’s crimson eyes bored into yours. neither of you blinked for a moment. perhaps just a small eternity each of you silently reveled in. 

his erratic breaths slowed, and so did yours, although you stayed the same. unmoving, faces neutral but eyes giving away long-held secrets. 

your ears flushed, and butterflies came rising up uncontrollably. you should have pushed him off. instead you gave him a wicked grin, which earned a look from him and you couldn’t tell if he was confused or annoyed. 

“your big ass forehead is blocking the bright-as-hell sun. stay like this,” you mocked, wrenching your wrists from his grasp and snaking your arms around his neck. 

his cheeks burned red. “w-what?” 

“you heard me.” 

he scoffed, tugging you off his neck and standing. “shut up, shitface. we aren’t even done yet.” he readied himself in a fighting stance once more. 

“i thought you said you wanted to stop when you won?” you brushed yourself off as you stood. 

“i know what i said. you probably weren’t even giving it your all.” 

“’course i was.” you cocked your head. “why wouldn’t i?” 

“you’re strong, damn idiot.” 

you feigned surprise, pressed a hand to your fluttering chest. “the bakugou, dynamight himself, complimenting a humble soul like me? oh, i really must be good, then.” 

“not as good as me.” his face dropped from a smile. bakugou never got enough training no matter how early or late he stayed up, or how many hours on the weekends were spent kicking a bag or sparring with friends. hard workers did all of the work there was a still wondered if they were doing enough. the number one spot wasn’t empty, but it was still reserved for dynamight. 

- 

y/n had collapsed on their bed. kirishima was itching to tell them how he felt, however he was stuck at the doorway. 

they weren’t even dressed for bed, nor were they showered. 

he settled with leaving his friend alone, and shut the door softly to find bakugou standing right behind him. 

kirishima jumped back, closing his eyes in relief. “bakugou. what the heck man?” 

“you’re creepy as shit.” 

“i- what? you were the one staring at me while i-” 

“while you peeped in on y/n?” 

“i wasn’t peeping. i walked them back after the fight and they just collapsed. you were off doing something else and you worked them too hard.” 

it wasn’t a shock that bakugou was still riled up from the duel. this boy had the energy of a mad man. 

when bakugou didn’t say anything, kirishima said once again, “you overworked them.” 

bakugou swat away the comment. “only because they’re not working hard enough.” 

kirishima raised an eyebrow. “they work hard. they’re perfectly fine.” 

“fine?” 

“they’re amazing.”

“i know that, shitty hair. you think i’m blind?” 

“everyone can make improvements at their own pace.” kirishima’s voice dropped. 

“you train with me.” 

“it’s an hour before curfew.” 

bakugou jut a thumb in the direction of the door. “so? maybe you need some more practice, too,” he joked. 

“you’re an ass, bakugou,” kirishima released a breathy chuckle. 

the two wandered off to one of the training grounds. it was open, a wide court where they’d both kicked someone else’s ass. 

the sun was just setting, a new cool breeze coming to fill the spot of the violent sun rays. 

it was routine to fight each other out of nowhere. kirishima was usually quite playful, spewing jokes once in a while and taunting his friend. 

this fight was different. his face was stone-cold. kirishima often took the defensive role, as his quirk didn’t allow him to project any direct attacks to bakugou.

it wasn’t like kirishima was angry at bakugou, but as soon as they started charging towards one another, he couldn’t hold back. his chest tightened, arms hardening and joints becoming strong and stiff. 

with one clean sweep of his arm, bakugou was backing away from kirishima, propelling himself to the edge of the arena with a small blast. he’d always been up for a challenge. kirishima was willing to give him one. 

his sudden competitive demeanor seemed to be egging on bakugou’s. the blond tongued the inside of his cheek, grunting as he shot forth, hair flying wildly. 

swiftly, kirishima dodged, just barely missing a blast. his torso wasn’t hardened, so if he’d dodged any later, his stomach would have been scorched. 

bakugou always took their fights seriously. he knew better than to underestimate the boy who had put together his very own rescue mission. 

kirishima’s opponent stumbled from the momentum. he took his chance and brought a hardened elbow down on bakugou’s back, hearing a satisfying crack. 

bakugou was crushed to the ground with the hit. his face smashed into the sandy ground. he coughed, turning over and spitting dirt to the side. 

it took a moment for him to register what he did, but kirishima was at bakugou’s side within seconds. the sun was nearly gone, a pale blue sky flickering with the first sights of stars. 

it was hard to make it out at first, but not impossible. kirishima saw the blood dripping and smeared just above bakugou’s lip. he groaned, cupping his face in both hands as he sat upright. 

“argh” bakugou gasped. “shit, kirishima. what the hell?” 

“i...i’m sorry dude, i didn’t mean to.” i wanted to, but i didn’t mean to. 

bakugou raised an eyebrow and let a smile seep through his pain. “you’re improving, though.” 

“are you alright?” kirishima traced the small cut on his lip from earlier with the tip of his tongue. 

“i’m fine, i’m fine.” bakugou swatted his hand away. he struggled to get up, refusing kirishima’s help. 

“we should head back before this gets any worse.” 

bakugou kept his large hands hovering under his chin to catch the dripping and occasional chunks of blood.  

although he wanted the duel to continue (it was finally interesting) bakugou wasn’t stubborn enough to keep going. so he nodded, once again denying kirishima’s efforts to help him out. 

- 

you were in the common area, fiddling with a rubik’s cube. it was just you, as everyone else was spending the night among each other. ashido had invited you to her dorm a while ago, but you’d denied, wanting to spend a few more giddy moments to yourself. 

the door rattled, and in came your two friends, one with furrowed brows and the other with blood drenching the front of his shirt. 

bakugou’s head was tilted up in an attempt to stop the blood from flowing down. his adam’s apple bobbed as he swallowed the blood trailing down the back of his throat. 

“oh my gosh,” you gasped out, racing to the bathroom. you came back with sanitary wipes in one hand and tissue in the other. “what happened?” 

“we were training,” kirishima started, taking a few tissues from the box and handing them to his friend, “and i accidentally hit him too hard.” 

“you didn’t hit me that hard. you barely did any damage!” bakugou objected. you approached him, and through his fingers, bakugou peered down at you. 

you asked him with your eyes, and he gave you silent permission to pry his arms away from his face. “are you okay?” 

“i’m just dandy,” he scoffed. 

“dude, i’m really sorry—” 

“shut the hell up kirishima. i don’t want your pity. i swear this is the only time i’ll surrender to you, you asswipe.”

you didn’t laugh, not even a chuckle. “bakugou, you need to see recovery girl.” 

“what the hell? no way. all she’s gonna do is give me one of those shitty slobbery kisses and scold me for being careless.” 

“your nose is broken,” you said gently. 

“so? can’t you fix it?” 

you raised a questioning brow. “you want me to help you?” 

“can you or can you not?” 

“i can try to set it but you’re better off going to recovery girl instead of settling with―” 

“all i need is possible. i don’t want to deal with that old lady’s shit right now.” using the tissues kirishima had stuffed into his hand, he caught the remaining blood dripping down his nose. “let’s go.” 

you were more than unsure. he would end up with a crooked nose if you made any small mistake, but he didn’t think twice as he grabbed your shoulder and led you in the direction of your dorm. 

- 

kirishima wished he hadn’t broken bakugou’s nose. not because he felt bad, though. 

[alltooreid]

Clean

As Spencer struggles to overcome his dilaudid addiction, Y/N is dealing with an addiction of her own, to her toxic, manipulative boyfriend. This is an account of a full year, following their joint journeys to sobriety and new love.

A/N: Hi!! I have another Taylor Swift inspired Spencer Reid one shot (but of course you do not need to know the song to understand the one shot). Although originally I was going to write something more fluffy, I switched to this song to write something more angsty and interesting. However, to change pace from my last one shot, this one has a much happier, hopeful ending. However, it is very triggering so please read the trigger warnings before you start. Also, if you have any songs you want to read please let me know!! Also, if you just have a general request please send it my way! Thank you so much for the love on my All Too Well one shot, I never thought my first fanfic on here would be so well received!

Pairing: Spencer Reid x Reader

Type: Angst, but hopeful angst

Word Count: 7.6K

Content Warnings: Cursing, mentally and physically abusive relationship, relationship cheating (ie, reader is being cheated on), blood and cuts description, drug addiction (these parts are kept short purposefully), lots of fighting and yelling both in reader’s relationship and between Spencer and reader, however, there is a happy and hopeful ending. Reader is struggling to get out of her toxic relationship, please no comments about her being stupid. If you are in a situation like Y/N, please don’t use this fic as a guide. Get help immediately. https://www.thehotline.org/

Things to Know: Italics and bold are flashback moments, the time and date headers serve as time skips :) let me know what you think! Please request any songs you would like to see be made one shots!

“You're still all over me Like a wine-stained dress I can't wear anymore Hung my head as I lost the war And the sky turned black like a perfect storm”

3:27 AM, April 16th, 2007.

You have known Spencer for a long time. In fact, you’ve known him longer than you’ve known Randall, and you’ve felt like you’ve known Randall your entire life.

Maybe that’s because you let him become your entire life.

Still, although you had known Spencer for 7 years, 2 years longer than the entirety of your on again, off again relationship with Randall. You still felt weird calling him. He was going through a lot right now, not that he wasn’t normally. Spencer had one of the most difficult jobs you could think of. You know Spencer has shot and killed people before, and you know every time he did it ate him up inside.

And every time he did he called you.

You also knew that Spencer is one of the kindest people you have ever met, you struggle to imagine him wielding a gun on a daily basis. He just seems too sweet, too perfect.

Yet there was a lot you didn’t know about the young genius.

You have no idea that as you stand in the street, contemplating whether you should call Spencer to come and get you, Spencer is making a difficult decision of his own. As you worry about the possibility of waking Spencer up this early in the morning, Spencer sits wide awake and ponders if he has enough time to get high before he has to leave for work in 3 hours.

As you sit on the side of the road, debating between your very few options, Spencer leads up against the side of his bathtub tears pouring down his cheeks, tears that he doesn’t even register as being there.

Fortunately for the both of you, at the same time Spencer reaches into his bag to search for that tiny glass bottle, his phone begins to ring.

“Y/N? Are you okay?”

You sigh, “He kicked me out again Spencer, is there anyway you can come get me?”

Spencer looks around his apartment, frantically hiding the belt and the needles he had gotten out for the events he was anticipating. “Yeah, of course I can come get you, um, just give me a couple minutes and send me your location.”

3:52 AM, April 16th, 2007.

You’re in the passenger’s seat of Spencer’s car, both of you sitting in silence. This situation isn’t new to either of you, Spencer has picked you up plenty of times before, in fact he’s done it for years now. One time, about 3 years into your relationship with Randall, you were permitted to go out by yourself with Spencer’s team, they wanted to meet you, apparently Spencer talked about you all the time. While you were at dinner with them, Morgan asked you if you had a car of your own. You explained that you did, but that your boyfriend had it a majority of the time, and that when he didn’t he hated you using it because you always had to mess with everything. He hates you touching his stuff. Morgan made a weird face about that answer, so you quickly followed up, explaining that you didn’t mind.

You do mind though. You hate how he never lets you touch anything or go anywhere, and you hate how much he despises your only form of transportation.

Spencer.

Randall hates everything about Spencer Reid, and he especially hates seeing his car pull into your driveway. That’s why after the 8th time he kicked you out, you started walking half a mile to the nearest gas station before calling Spencer.

The first time Spencer came to get you Randall came out to talk to you before you left.

“What are you doing? Who is this?”

“It’s Spencer, he’s gonna take me to his apartment.” you explained, confused why Randall was so angry you were leaving when he was the one who had kicked you out.

“Oh so just because I don’t want to look at your bitchass all night that means you can go sleep with another man? I knew you were a whore Y/N. You know him and his stupid fucking car aren’t going to be able to deal with you the way I can. How old is that thing anyway?”

“Randall, calm down, I’m not sleeping with Spencer. I love you, I don’t want to sleep with anyone else. But I’m not gonna sit out here all night, where else should I go?”

“Well maybe if you weren’t so quick to whore yourself out to the easiest man you could find I would invite you back inside,” he said before slamming the door in your face.

So you got in Spencer’s car, the one Randall would grow to hate so much.

“Are you okay Y/N? He didn’t hit you did he? You know you can come live with me, you should really get out of that house, I can get Morgan tomorrow and we can go get your belongings. I have plenty of-”

You snapped at him, “No Spencer he’s not hitting me! Why do you always jump to that conclusion, Randall is a great guy! I would’ve never called you if you were going to jump to conclusions like this. You’re supposed to be a genius, yet you’re acting like such a dumb ass right now.”

Spencer looked at you, and immediately you regretted your words. You knew Spencer was just worried about you and with his line of work he had reason to be. However before you could apologize he spoke again.

“I’m sorry Y/N, forget I said anything.”

You both sat in silence for a few moments before you even knew what to say, and yet all you could think of was, “Hey Spence, what kind of car do you drive?”

He smiled, “It’s a 1965 Volvo Amazon P130 122S, it’s horizon blue, that’s the color they refer to it as. Did you know they’re known as so reliable that the 4 door models are still used as police vehicles in some places. This one’s a two door, but still runs great. . . “

You smiled, how fitting a man as reliable as Spencer Reid had the perfect car to match.

When you get to Spencer’s apartment something seems off. Spencer has always lived in organized chaos, but this just feels different. Unlike his normal mess, this one feels like a blatant disregard for his things, even some of his most prized possessions. His books are strewn across the floors, his clothes overflowing from his laundry basket, which was a mix of both folded, clean, yet to be put away things and worn items. Weirdly, the one place that looks untouched is his kitchen, as if he hasn’t used it in months. And you mean that in the most literal interpretation, his counters are covered in visible, undisturbed dust.

“Thank you so much Spencer, I don’t know what I would do without you.”

He smiles, but his eyes look so tired. “Don’t worry about it Y/N.”

And at 4:47, you finally fall asleep in Spencer’s bedroom, which he insists you take, and he stays awake until he leaves for work just a few hours later.

9:33 PM, April 17th, 2007.

You leave Spencer’s apartment the following night, after an unfortunate screaming match with him. You have never seen him so angry, so easily ticked off. Yet as soon as Randall called you Spencer became aggressive.

“Yeah babe, I’ll be home as soon as I can. I’ll take a cab and be home within the hour. Of course I’m not mad at you sweetheart, I know you didn’t mean it. I love you, see you soon.”

Spencer exitted his kitchen in a huff, and opened his mouth to start talking before you spoke up.

“I’m sure you’ve overheard already, but Randall’s letting me back in the house. Thank you so much Spence. I really appreciate everything you do to help me. Call me soon please, I definitely owe you lunch,” you said, grabbing your coat and your phone, the only things you had managed to grab from your home before your unplanned eviction.

“Why do you even stay with him Y/N? Why do you keep going back there?” Spencer yelled. You had never seen him like this before, so livid and irritable.

“I love him Spence, and he loves me,” you explained, and you were telling the truth. You do love Randall, and you know that in his heart he loves you too, even if he got a little angry sometimes.

“If he loved you he wouldn’t treat you like this Y/N! Don’t you think I would know? I see this everyday! It’s my job! And yet my best friend is too stupid to realize she’s been in an abusive relationship for almost 6 years!”

You were just as angry now, “You’re wrong Spencer, I don’t wanna hear this okay? I love Randall and he loves me. We deserve each other.”

Spencer’s face softened before growing angry once more, “You have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“Fuck you Spencer, I’m going home. I don’t need you and I don't need your help,” you said, grabbing your things and slamming the door open. You were lying, you need Spencer and you need his help more than anything, but you didn’t want to admit that while he was being such a dick.

“Fine!” he yelled, “Go run back to him then, but you better not call me when he kicks you out again. I don’t care anymore!”

And so you left, Spencer slammed the door behind you as you stormed out of his apartment. You didn’t stop to think about the fact that Spencer never acts like this. He has never lashed out at you, never questioned your relationship with Randall to your face, let alone scream at you and insult you because of it. You didn’t stop and think about what Spencer was on, or not on, that was making his act like this.

But you thought about it now.

You want to get home before Randall starts to get upset and suspicious, but now after your fight with Spencer you have to walk home. You couldn’t ask him to borrow cash for a cab, let alone ask him to drive you there. You were stuck walking, which also meant you were stuck with Randall’s wrath when you returned.

You already feel terrible about the way you treated Spencer. You think about going to apologize, and stand in front of the door for a second, weighing the pros and cons of doing so. Eventually, you go to turn away, ultimately deciding that you both needed to calm down before speaking to each other again.

Yet as you turn, the door opens. Spencer stands right there, strangely calm, seemingly out of it. All fury and anger you had seen just minutes before gone. In this moment he resembles Randall, and it's the first time you’ve ever been able to draw any comparison to the two.

It’s scary.

“Spencer I-” but you get cut off, not by words, but by an object. Before you can even register what was just thrown in your face the door is closed again. You duck down to grab what was thrown.

Twenty dollars.

For the cab ride home.

1:34 AM, April 23rd, 2007.

You light the final candle on your dining room table, before stepping back to admire your work. Randall always came home so late from work, so you rarely ate dinner together. But today was your anniversary, so you stayed up late, prepared his favorite meal and set up all of your fancy dinnerware so that you could have a very late dinner together before he goes to bed and you go to work. He should be home any minute now.

Yet 3 hours later Randall is not back. You’re just about to cut your losses and call it a night, and start to clean up the melted down candles and cold steak dinner as you hear your front door open.

“Y/N! What are you doing still awake?”

“Do you know what day it is Randall? Because I do.”

He looks down at his watch, checks the time, and looks back up at you, “Well it is now 3:57 AM, meaning it is now Monday. Which is why I’m curious as to what you’re still doing up sweetheart, you have to be at work in 3 hours.” “There’s something special about THIS Monday Randall,” you sigh, you’re disappointed but not surprised, this has happened for the past 3 years.

“Do you have a project going on at work baby? You know I can’t keep track of all that crap, your job is so silly and easy to lose track of. You have to remind me of these things if you actually want me to care about them.”

“It’s our anniversary Randall.”

He stops, but instead of looking guilty or remorseful (like you secretly hoped), he gets livid, “No it’s not, are you stupid or something?”

“Randall, baby it’s okay, it’s not a big deal.”

“No! You stupid fucking bitch, are you trying to make me look bad, cooking this stupid fancy dinner and staying up late. Trying to lie and act like I forgot our five year anniversary?! Stop playing the victim Y/N. So tell me, are you lying to make me feel bad, or is your brain really that fucking empty?”

“It’s our six year anniversary,” you whisper.

“What did you just say?”

“I said I was just being stupid Randall. You’re right baby, I forgot the date of our anniversary.”

He snarls. “I don’t think so Y/N, I think, actually I know that not only are you stupid, but that you’re a liar. I know that you just want to make me look bad by preparing our anniversary dinner a week early. And you have to push it by claiming we’ve been together for six years. I know it’s five. I’m not stupid.”

“I’m sorry, babe,” you cry.

“NO YOU’RE NOT!” he yells, pushing his plate of steak and mashed potatoes, letting your parent’s wedding china shatter on the ground. You cry harder. “You’re a stupid, waste of my time Y/N. Five wasted years I’ve spent on you. Do you know why I do it, huh. Do you know why I stay with you when I could have one of the beautiful, rich, successful, truthful women I’m fucking?”

You shake your head.

“It’s because I feel pity for you. No other man would want you. I’m the only one that will ever love you. You know that right Y/N?” He picks up a piece of your hair, gently tucking it behind your ear. “Tell me that I’m the only one who will love you, you know it’s the truth right?” You nod your head. In a swift motion Randall turns, grabs a glass full of red wine and chucks it at the wall, narrowly avoiding your left ear.

“I WANT TO HEAR YOU SAY IT.”

“You’re the only one who will ever love me Randall,” you croak out in between sobs.

He closes the distance between you two once more, gripping your chin and jerking your face so that your eyes meant his. It hurts, and makes you cry more, but you don’t say anything.

“Don’t you know it sweetness,” he lets go, delivers a sharp slap to your check and grips your wrist. “Now clean your mess up, and then I think it’s best if you get out of the house for a little bit, don’t you agree?”

You nod quickly. He smiles.

“Good girl, now I would normally be worried about you going to hook up with that string bean you’re always all over, but according to the last time I went through your phone, he isn’t in your recent calls. Glad to know he’s finally done with your bullshit. I’m sure a nice long walk alone will do you good. You can think about what led you to lying tonight, and then maybe you can come back in time for our real anniversary.”

He slips upstairs, so you clean up the rest of the uneaten meal and the broken wine class, cutting up your hands severely in the process. You spend at least an hour in a futile attempt to get red wine stains off of your wallpaper, before grabbing your phone and purse and running out the door.

Even after what Randall says, you still think about calling Spencer. Your thumb hovers over the call button for a minute until you switch the contact, phoning your boss instead. You inform her you need a personal day, and that it’s a family emergency.

You check the time, 6:53. Spencer is almost definitely on his way to work right now. You want to call him so bad, but the things he said you ring through your mind. You can’t ask for his help anymore.

For the first time, you are truly on your own.

Until a familiar horizon blue Volvo pulls up next to the curb you’re sitting on, and Spencer Reid sticks his head out the window.

“Y/N? What are you doing here? Get it the car, come on I’ll drive you to work with me.”

Confused as you are, this is your best option right now. So you climb into the passenger seat of his car, refusing to make eye contact with him, instead looking at your bleeding hands. “Oh my god, Y/N. You’re bleeding. Did Randall do this to you? Why didn’t you call me?”

“No, Spencer, Randall didn’t do this to me. He dropped a wine glass and I helped him pick it up. Now just drive.” And he does, drive that is. But you can feel his stares, on your cut up hands, and you forming bruises. You can feel him profiling the signs of abuse on your body.

But more than that you hate that you can feel he’s upset with you. Upset because you didn’t call him. Does he not remember screaming at you not too?

He pulls into the parking lot, parks the car and finally turns to make eye contact with you. He has tears in his, “I really wish you would’ve called me Y/N. If it’s getting this bad I want you to stay with me.”

“Spencer am I going insane?”

“Of course not, what do you mean?” he looks so gentle, so kind and you’re so confused.

“Do you remember what day me and Randall started dating?”

“Yes, it was April 23rd, 2001. 6 years ago today actually. Is that why he did this to you? Does it have anything to do with that?”

“How can you remember that but not our screaming match a week ago?” you laughed, your hands burned now, there’s definitely glass in there, you swear you can feel the tiny little shards in your blood.

“What do you mean, Y/N? We didn’t scream at each other? I haven’t even seen you in weeks. How long has he been hitting you? Why didn’t you call me sooner?”

“Spencer, on the 16th you picked me up and took me back to your apartment because Randall kicked me out. On the evening of the 17th I went to leave because Randall told me I could come home. You said I was being abused and called me stupid for going back to him. When we fought about it I stormed out and you told me not to call you if he kicked me out again because you didn’t care anymore. That’s why I didn’t call you.”

You look up at Spencer, and nearly start crying yourself when you see his crumpled face. Tears are freely spilling down his cheeks.

“I’m so sorry Y/N. I don’t remember that,” he pushes his long hair out of his face, clearly frazzled, “I- I can’t believe I don’t remember that.”

Before you can say anything, Spencer pulls out his phone. “Hey Hotch, it’s me. I can’t come in today. I need to use a personal day. . . I’ll tell you later. Okay, thank you” He angrily pulls out of the parking lot, and you can tell he’s headed back to his apartment.

“Spencer it’s okay, I’m not upset with you.”

“No Y/N, it’s not okay. I said all those terrible things to you, of course you were scared to call me after them. The worst part is I was too high to even remember it all. I- I just can’t believe I helped him do this to you,” tears still freely flowing down his face.

“Spencer what are you talking about? I was with you all day, you weren’t high. You don’t even drink, how could you be high?”

He sighs, “do you remember when I was kidnapped by that unsub, Tobias Hankel? About 2 months ago?” You nod, encouraging him to continue. “Well, I told you about his multiple personalities, how one beat me to death and then Tobias resurrected me, how  I had to kill Tobias in order to survive, even though Tobias himself did nothing to me. Well when I was in the barn, Tobias would give me drugs, dilaudid, in order to cut the pain of his other personalities’ abuse. When I killed him, I took the drugs he had one him with me, and I can’t stop Y/N. It’s affecting my life, my work, and now it’s affecting you.” He parks his car in his apartment complex’s lot and turns to look at you. “Hotch has never said anything about it, so even though the team knows I have no reason to quit, I think I do now. Y/N, I think we need to get clean together.”

Suddenly that night made sense, Spencer was irritable and strange, he wasn’t high, he was going through withdrawal. But when he threw the money at you, so loopy and out of it, he was on it. He was so high he didn’t remember the moments before.

“Spencer, I don't know what to say. I want to help you get sober, I want that more than anything, but I’m not addicted to drugs, I rarely even drink.”

“I know Y/N, you don’t have a drug problem like me, but you are an addict. You need to leave Randall. You know it, I know it, but you can’t.” You open your mouth to defend yourself, but Spencer continues to speak, “It’s okay, I understand why. But we both need to quit, and I think it’s best if we do it together.”

“Well how are we supposed to do that,” you whisper.

“Come on, let’s get started,” you and Spencer exit his car, he loops your hands together, leading you up to his apartment. When you get there, he digs through his messenger bag and grabs a couple of tiny glass bottles and a syringe. He throws them into his garbage can, and turns to look at you.

“Pull out your phone.”

“What? Why?”

“We’re going to block Randall’s number.”

You want to fight him on it, but you know he’s right. You need to leave Randall, and now’s as good of a time as any. Yet, you can’t forget the things he’s said to you. “I can’t Spencer, he’s my boyfriend, he loves me.”

“Y/N, please, please do this with me.” You shake your head, he sighs. “Okay, I get it, this is going to take time. Just, um, stay with me for a couple days. Please. We can go get your stuff tomorrow night.”

You think about rejecting Spencer’s offer, but you really don’t want to go back there. More than anything, you want to stay right here. You try to tell yourself it’s because you’re worried about Spencer, but deep down you know it’s more than that. So you nod, and Spencer wraps you in a hug, burying his head into your shoulder.

“Thank you, Y/N. Now let’s go get your hands wrapped up.”

9:21 PM, May 2nd, 2007.

You’ve been staying at Spencer’s for just over a week now. You haven’t seen Randall since your anniversary, and Spencer hasn’t taken dilaudid while you’ve been here. Things are going well. You’re watching a lot of bad reality TV, and Spencer has gone through about 7 packs of Gatorade, but you’re both doing okay.

Now you were just waiting for him to come back from his case in Idaho, you knew this one was pretty bad. They were searching for a woman in the middle of a huge forest, as she was being hunted and chased down. Spencer called you right before getting on the jet, and told you he would be home soon, so now you were just waiting for him.

While doing so however, you found something. A lump on Spencer’s side of the mattress. Under it, were two small glass bottles and a syringe. The same ones you had seen Spencer throw into the garbage days prior.

Now you need to talk to Spencer, so you sit on his couch, and wait for him to come home. When he comes through the door, he immediately sees you and smiles. “Y/N! I’ve missed you.” He hugs you, and for a second you forget why you’re even mad at him in the first place.

“Spencer, I need to talk to you. I found your bottles.” The mood in the room instantly shifts, but you don’t care, you need to get your words out. “You told me you were quitting, I watched you throw them away.”

He brushes his hairs through his hair, and begins to mess with his hands. “I am quitting Y/N, I haven't taken any, but. . .  I just need them to be there.”

“Spencer, please, throw them away. I’m trying to help you here.” Suddenly he grows very angry, and you can tell you said the wrong thing.

“Well I’m trying too. To me it seems the only one not trying is you.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“I mean, you still haven’t blocked Randall, he still calls all the time! Why do I have to throw my addiction away if you can’t even do the same to yours?”

“That's not fair.”

“How so?” he yells. “How is it that you can’t block your abusive, no good piece of shit boyfriend but I have to throw away the things I enjoy? That doesn’t feel like trying to me.”

“I’m not addicted to Randall Spencer, I just love him. I don’t want or need to quit him.”

“Oh really? Then why are you even still here? Why haven’t you answered his calls? Or gone to see him? I think you know exactly why.”

And you do. You don’t want to go back there, but what Randall says is true. He is the only one who will love you, and you’re not ready to lose that yet. You’re not ready to cut off all contact with him.

“I can leave if that’s what you want Spencer.”

His face softened, “no, that’s not what I want. That’s the last thing I want.” He stops and thinks for a moment. “If you block Randall I’ll throw away my dilaudid.”

You ponder it, “Okay.”

He breaks into a wide smile. “Really? You’ll do it?”

You smile at him.

“Yeah, I promise. I’ll block Randall.”

6:56 PM, May 30th, 2007.

You did not block Randall.

Even after watching Spencer pour out his bottles, breaking up the glass and tossing it away for a second time, you couldn’t. Even after seeing him snap his syringes in half, and feeling him kiss your forehead, after seeing how happy and excited he was for your fresh start together, you just couldn’t do it.

Spencer thought you did, and it was easy to hide the truth from him. Randall hadn’t called since then, so you and Spencer continue to spend time together, last week you celebrated one month of sobriety. You got an ice cream cake and little, silly party hats and exchanged gifts.

And it made you feel like shit.

Spencer was so happy, so proud that you had both been clean for a month, but you still couldn’t decide if you wanted to be clean at all.

You still can’t decide if you should block Randall’s number.  

You try not to think about it, instead focusing the energy into making you and Spencer virgin pina coladas, he was currently out picking up burgers from your favorite restaurant. When he returns, you were going to watch one of your crappy reality TV reruns, and then an episode of Doctor Who. It was Spencer’s idea a couple days ago, and quickly it became a regular occurrence.

Faintly over the loud whir of the blender you can hear your phone ringing. You run  quickly to go grab it, just in case Spencer needed your help with something, but your heart drops when you see the caller ID. It’s Randall, trying once again to contact you.

Your thumb hovers over the accept button, but before you can make a decision, the call times out and sends Randall to voicemail. You let out a breath and set your phone down.

But then something possesses you, and you snatch your phone and dial Randall’s number. He picks up on the 3rd ring.

“Baby, oh my god baby is that really you?”

He sounds so excited to hear from you, how could you have stayed mad at him for so long?

“Yes baby, it’s me. I’m sorry I haven’t answered your calls at all. I’ve been busy.”

“Don’t worry sweetness, I’m so so sorry for the things I said to you, I need you to come home. You missed our anniversary you know? But it’s okay! We can celebrate now! I got you a really beautiful gift, one we can definitely experiment with tonight.” You could hear his smirk over the phone.

“I’m not sure if I’m ready to come back right now, maybe later baby, but not right now.”

You hear his breathing pick up, and tense. You can tell he’s getting agitated. He wasn’t expecting you to answer like that, you always come home as soon as he tells you you can come back. “What do you mean? You’re being ridiculous, I want to see my girlfriend. I’m sure you want to get off of the streets too, you’ve been squatting for over a month now.”

“I’m not squatting Randall, I’m living with Spencer.”

“What!?” he yells. “I thought I told you not to stay with him. I hate that guy, you know that.”

“Would you rather me be on the streets Randall? Spencer’s a great guy, and I want to stay here.”

“Frankly, yes I would. But don’t worry, you can still come home. Just send me the prick’s address and I’ll come pick you up. We can enjoy tonight together.”

“No.”

“No?”

“I’m not going to send you Spencer’s address. I’m staying here. I don’t want to see you anymore. Leave me alone Randall. I’m done.”

Before he could say anything, you hung up. As you did so you heard the front door open, and Spencer made his way to the bedroom.

“Hey! I got burgers! Ready to eat?” he looks down to see your phone still resting in your hand, stuck on the phone app. “Who were you talking to?”

“Just an old friend,” you say.

“Think you’ll be talking to them again anytime soon?” you can tell he knows, and you’re surprised he isn’t lashing out at you. You’re so used to how Randall reacts when you go against his wishes, Spencer’s calm, understanding presence is like a breath of fresh air.

“No, I think I’m ready to leave them behind,” you smile at each other. “I’ll meet you in the kitchen in a sec okay?”

He nods, and goes to set up the food and TV.

It takes you seven seconds to block Randall.

1:12 AM, June 10th, 2007.

You haven’t gone out with your coworkers in months, you forgot how good it feels to just be present with people. You didn’t even drink tonight, wanting to remember every second of this time out with friends. You were beaming when you unlocked the front door.

Yet your smile slips when you enter what had become you and Spencer’s shared bedroom.

He isn’t there.

You pull out your phone to call him when you hear a thud coming from the bathroom door. You hesitate, scared of what you know you’ll likely find. When you finally throw the door open you’re already teary eyed, and these sobs escalate as soon as you see Spencer, tipped over, lying on the bathroom floor, the needle still sticking out of his arm.

You’re sobbing as you rip it out, hastily undoing the belt wrapped around his upper forearm. He looks up, even in his groggy haze you can see the guilty look in his eyes when they made contact with yours.

“Y/N. . . I- I’m so sorry. I don’t know what came over me but I just couldn’t stop myself . . . I-”

“Shhh, It’s okay, just breathe,” you whisper through your tears. “It’s going to be okay Spencer, I’m here, and it’s going to be okay. I’m staying right here.” You pull his head into your lap, stroking your shaking hands through his hair.

His head begins to shake, and you can feel his tears on your dress. You rest your head on his, and for a few seconds you just sit there, crying together.

“You’re going to be okay Spencer.”

8:09 AM, June 11th, 2007.

Your head is buried in his chest, you need to be able to hear him breathe. You need to hear his heart beating. You need to be as close to him as possible right now. He stirs as he wakes up, and wraps his arms around you. 

“I’m so sorry Y/N.”

“Don’t apologize Spencer, this is a part of recovery okay? You’re still in recovery, just because you relapsed doesn’t mean we have to start over. You’re so much stronger than you were before. So much braver. So much better. You can do this.”

He smiles at you, “thank you, thank you so much.”

“Of course, now withdrawal is going to be even harder this time. I’m going to the store. We’re going to need plenty of Gatorade and water. We have to flush everything out of your system. Do you mind if I take your car to the store?”

He beams, even in his groggy state he manages to look so perfect, “You know my car is always yours to use Y/N.”

“I’ll be back soon okay? Don’t move a muscle,” you grab his keys and head out the door. And you really do mean it, you fully intend this to be the shortest grocery trip of your life. You’re terrified of leaving Spencer alone long enough to get high again, even though you spent all day yesterday searching for drugs and throwing anything you found in the garbage, taking it out the main apartment dumpster that night. 

You get to the store, grab everything you need, 3 packs of blue Gatorade, 6 cases of water bottles, and the store’s entire stock of Jell-O and rush back to Spencer’s car. You were only in the store for 17 minutes, the majority of which was just check-out time. You smile, thinking of how excited Spencer will be when he sees all the Jell-O in the fridge, but feel your stomach drop when you see a familiar face examining Spencer’s car.

Randall. 

Before you can decide what to do, he turns and sees you. 

“Y/N! I was expecting Spencer, but this is even sweeter. I knew I recognized this hunk of junk. Where have you been?”

“I’ve been around, I’m kind of on a tight schedule here. I really need to get going,” you say as you load up your groceries into Spencer’s trunk. 

“That’s a lot of Jell-O sweetheart, you hate Jell-O.” That’s not even true. You hate pudding, you love Jell-O.

As much as you wanted to yell at him for calling you sweetheart, you couldn’t deny that it felt good. You still missed him. Blocking him helped, but you still felt strong urges to call him sometimes. “It’s not for me, it’s for Spencer.”

“I thought I told you not to stay with him anymore.”

“What part of that conversation would make you think I would listen to you?” you say.

“You should always listen to me Y/N, I’m your boyfriend.”

“I haven’t seen you in months, we’re not dating anymore. I’m done.”

“You don’t mean that you’re just being irrational. Are you on your period? I bet that’s it. Come get breakfast with me. You probably just need chocolate, and the place down the block has incredible chocolate waffles.”

You open your mouth to reject him, but you can’t. Part of it is because you know if you do then he’ll follow you back to your apartment and the last thing you want is for him to know where you’re living right now. But the other part is much worse. A big part of you wants to let him try again. You can’t explain why, but you really want for him to redeem himself as your first love.

“Ok, you have 20 minutes, let’s go get breakfast.”

The walk there is silent and awkward. Randall grabs your hand, too tight for you to do anything about it, and keeps this grip until you sit down in your booth. 

You don’t get chocolate waffles. You really don’t even like chocolate all that much. Randall knows that, or at least you thought he did. Instead you get cinnamon french toast, and within minutes it’s at the table. 

“You know baby, Spencer doesn’t love you.” He says halfway through your french toast.

“We aren’t dating Randall.”

“Doesn’t matter, you’ve been with him in that apartment for a while now. I’m surprised he hasn’t given you the boot.”

You sit in silence, Randall takes this as a sign to continue. “We’ve been together for five years, sweetness. No one can love you the way I do. That’s just a fact. Spencer fucking Reid can not replace me, no one can replace me.”

“I hate that you’re right. I hate that I can’t breathe when I’m not with you Randall. I hate that you’re stuck to me. You’re this god awful stain on my life. I hate looking at it but no matter what I do I can’t wash it off.”

He smirks. “You’re not gonna get rid of me Y/N.” He pays the check, and gets up from the table. You go to get up too, but notice he didn’t tip your waitress, so you leave another five bucks on the table. 

When you get outside he grasps your shoulders. “I knew you would come around Y/N, I knew you would get it. Now come on, we can go collect your stuff from that prick’s apartment and get you home. I know exactly how you can make it up to me.”

You pause, “I don’t think so Randall. I’m not ready quite yet, but I promise I’ll call you.” You meant it, you had already unblocked him from your phone.

“Oh absolutely not, you’re going home with me now.”

“No I’m not.” As you were yelling at each other you notice a strangely familiar face standing nearby, just in ear shot. You can’t place him, but you know you’ve met before.

“Yes you are! We’re happy together and you’re coming to live with me again!”

“We don’t love each other, Randall! Not right now at least!” 

He’s livid, and once again you feel that scared, indescribable feeling in the pit of your stomach. “That’s not true! I’ll prove it to you.” He grabs your chin and pulls your face to his.

You feel as if water is filling your lungs, you’re drowning and no one is around to save you. Randall is physically stronger than you, you’re stuck in his grasp. It’s like you’re screaming and no one can hear you. 

And yet, this flood of emotions you’re feeling is the first time you realize something. 

You’re addicted to Randall.

You need to get out.

You need to get back to Spencer.

After what feels like minutes (but is actually about 3 seconds) of being unseen and vulnerable, you discover you’ve been protected the whole time. The man you can't place rips Randall off of you, “What’s wrong with you? Get off of her!”

It’s his voice that lets you place him. Derek Morgan, Spencer’s closest friend and coworker, punches Randall in the face. “Get out of here!”

“What the fuck is wrong with YOU? That’s my girlfriend! Sweetheart, tell him to leave us alone!”

They both turn and look at you, with tears in your eyes you look at Morgan and shake your head. “Please, get him to leave.”

And Morgan does just that, with a little yelling and a flash of his FBI badge, Randall is running for the hills.

“Come on baby girl, let’s get you back home. Did you walk here?”

You shake your head, “No, I drove Spencer’s car here.”

“Well, how bout I drive you home, and then afterwards I swing back and get Spencer’s car and drop it off?”

So you do just that. After profusely thanking Morgan, and him insisting that it was nothing, and also insisting to carry your groceries in from the car, you and Spencer are together once again. 

“I’m so sorry Spencer, I didn’t believe you before. I was going to go back to him. How could I be so stupid?”

“Don’t talk like that Y/N, you said it best yourself. Just because you relapse doesn’t mean you aren’t trying, and it most certainly doesn’t mean you’re stupid.”

“I think it’s time we get clean Spencer. Both of us, once and for all.”

“I think so too Y/N.”

He pulls you into a hug and in between sniffles you manage to choke out what you’ve been wanting to say since you got into Morgan’s car. “I love you.”

He looks at you, and the look in his eyes almost makes you cry out of pure joy. He looks so happy, as if he’s been waiting for you to say that for years. 

Maybe he has.

“I love you too.”

7:29 AM, April 16th, 2008.

You press your lips to Spencer’s, you know he has just woken up, but you know it’s a big day for him. 

You both have been sober for over ten months now. Today is the day of his first group meeting. He found Beltway Clean Cops recently, and has been so excited to go. You’re excited for him. You know how proud he is of you, and you want to show him in every way possible that you’re proud of him.

He opens his eyes and smiles up at you. “What did I deserve to get a wake up like that?”

“What kind of question is that? You’re incredible, and an incredible boyfriend deserves an incredible morning. Do you know what else he deserves?”

He hums and waits for the answer.

“An incredible breakfast! That’s why I made blueberry pancakes. Now hurry up and come eat. You should  leave soon if you want to make it to your meeting on time. Have I told you yet how incredibly proud I am of you?”

He smiles, “Only an average of 15.6 times a day since I told you I was going.”

“Well that’s not nearly enough, now come on, get up. It’s pancake time,” you say. “Oh, and Spencer?”

“Yes flower?”

“I’m so proud of you.”

He smiles, “I love you flower.”

“I love you more.”

You ate breakfast together and then forced Spencer out the door, making sure he had plenty of time to get to his meeting. You knew he would regret it if he was late. 

You weren’t going to lie to yourself, you still thought about Randall a lot. You still missed him. You still love him in a way. But now that you had Spencer, now that you were clean together, you would never risk going back to him. 

That day where you agreed to go to breakfast with him, Derek asked you if you wanted to press charges. You didn’t, you don’t regret that either.

You’re even more proud of yourself this way, because you know he’s still there, still accessible and available to you, and still didn’t run to him. You know that any trace of Randall in your future is gone. 

You know you and Spencer are finally clean.

“Ten months sober, I must admit Just because you're clean don't mean you don't miss it Ten months older I won't give in Now that I'm clean I'm never gonna risk it”

- Thank you for reading! Please reblog and let me know what you think :))

[antiloreolympus]

10 Anti LO Asks

1. The trial happening right now bothers me because we get to see how Thanatos and Echo reacted to this, but Demeter and Persphone don’t know and I know why they don’t know yet. However you think that would tie some more stuff up together

It was Minthe, Thanatos and Thetis who whistle blew on Persphone. Meaning Thanatos would probably be called to trial and would have to face persphone and I would hope say something to her BUT I kinda doubt that’s gonna happen.

But the other thing to this Minthe is a plant who can’t testify. Are hades and Persphone hide the fact she’s a plant and pretend she’s missing or are they gonna say “yeah I still don’t have control over my powers but I’m queen now” HOWEVER I truly believe RS is just gonna not address these two plot points until way later.

FINALLY Eros and Psyche KNOW the last person Daphne was seen with was Apollo, did they chase after her after he got shot by the arrow? We don’t know. We don’t even know what they’re doing about Psyche. Did Eros and Psyche even see the Daphne tree? Are they going to try and sneak in to tell Persphone?

I know the plots gonna focus more on HxP secret marriage at the court trial rather than the actual consequences and the fact people are turning into greenery left and right. (It’s not Persohones Faullt Daphne is the way she is but RS needs to focus on other plot points I feel)

2. like, age gaps, height differences, and power imbalances dont always have to be bad, the issue to me is that the way rachel does it is hyper-focusing on how young, small, and child-like/unexperienced persephone is compared to the old, giant, and all powerful/mature hades is like ... yeah obvs people are going to find it creepy? how would they not?

3. i honestly cant stand the "theyre immortal gods the age gap doesnt matter!!" agreement because like??? ok??? then she could easily be 300 years old then? she shouldnt be so borderline underage then?? like the immortality aspect actually makes the age gap worse, not better??

4. i realize getting nitpicky over unimportant characters in lo having american names is a bit dumb, but it does speak to just how lazy rachel is and how little care she has for greece and its mythology. there are countless english names that are also greek, yet even that's asking too much of her. percy jackson isnt a perfect series, but even the characters (who are in america) have greek influence and meanings put into their names and characterization, something rachel doesn't even attempt to do.

5. ok but thats a good point, because rachel seems to be taking physical wounds to matter more over the mental ones, when thats not how trauma works. her writing on zeus is reflective of her writing minthe, where she confirmed she has a severe untreated mental illness and that's linked to her evilness, and thus what she should be punished for. meanwhile persephone own mental issues can be bastardized as a "yass queen" thing?? somehow?? its just bad writing all around.

6. i kinda wish lo fans would listen to their own logic and give the same leeway to the other characters. theyll scream from the rooftops that hades and persephone and hera can be awful people all they want because thats ~realistic~, meanwhile minthe and zeus and everyone else are held to such extremes they can never meet and are hated and despised for nothing in compared to hxp or hera. either hold your faves accountable or let off on hating characters who do the same as them.

7. i see a lot of lo fans excuse how everything drags as "thats how a slow burn works" and its like ... no? because most of that slow burn isnt even hxp, its rachel forcing in more plots we dont need, and when its hxp, you look at the timeline and how they act and its actually neck-breakingly fast? like if as much time had past in LO as irl time then yeah, four years is a slow burn, but its only been maybe a month in comic? so its not slow for them at all, but it's a drag for the readers.

8. See, the difference between Lo!Hades and Punderworld!Hades is that PW!Hades has so much personality, he and Persephone are literally bustling with life (even though one of them rules over a realm of dead XD) AND their interactions are so cute with their awkward attempts at flirting and failure at doing so. Persephone is still somewhat sweet and “pure” but she’s also a bit of a spitfire, she’s not easy to surrender, she has wants and dreams and that little differences makes her character likable!

We NEVER get to see anything like that with LO!Hades and Persephone, we don’t see them have these sweet interactions, these heart-fluttering moments, because there’s no base or foundation for those sorts of moments! It’s always these very out-of-character unrealistic scenes expected from a married couple, but they just met! It doesn’t feel natural, it feels forced and rushed and so slow at the same time.

Although Punderworld makes Demeter overbearing, i love her characterization i really do, waAAAY more than LO!Demeter, because we actually understand her reasons for her overprotective behavior and we get to see her in a more sympathetic light/manner in the newer chapters, we see her as more than “mean mom hates bf”

9. Daphne and Thanatos were adorable. Like, Daphne was a sweet, caring girl with genuine interest (and power/agency) and Thanatos was a shy, awkward guy who was just doing his best (and not pressuring her). They weren't perfect, but it was something! Why couldn't LO be about them?

10. What I find funny is that Minthe and Thetis have a more defined friendship than Persphone and other female characters.

Minthe and Thetis ARE TOXIC don’t get me wrong but both characters are aware of each other’s motives. Minthe knows not to trust Thetis fully and is straight with her on her opinion of Thetis. But the readers clearly know their relationship as well as the characters.

Persphone is in gray areas with most her female friends. The beginning of the story we are lead to believe Artemis and P are besties with the dress sharing and the way in P’s mind they’re holding hands with Hermès. But clearly now their relationship is a question mark and they’re both more detached than we thought. Artemis was just being nice to P letting her stay with her because they’re both in the TOGeM but they’re probably more like acquaintes at best.

Daphne and P we know they’re friends but P isn’t straight with her. Like Daphne is P’s only named friend, but did P think of her as the other overbearing nymphs? We don’t know because they’re all pink and some of them are dead. Despite being told they grew up together we don’t even know much about their relationship what do they like about each other? Does Daphne agree with Demeters parenting or P’s need to leave? When did Daphne get to move to Olympus? I feel like the plot just says “these two characters are friends “ but doesn’t elaborate much. Why did P let Daphne in her room at Hades mansion and not the other nymphs? P told Daphne that Apollo is dangerous, but it was a little too late. Also why didn’t P have her phone number when she got to Olympus? Wouldn’t she know to contact her on insta or something? P was like “omg I know no one except Hermès “ but that’s not true! Daphne! I could go more but I think we get the picture that Daphne’s plot point is having the readers be told Persphone has friends but she doesn’t but she does.

Were shown that P and Meg are getting along because P was nice to Meg, despite Meg being silently jealous of P, but what about Meg now? Is she ever gonna tell P that she’s jealous of P that she had a mad crush on Hades, even her journal? Or is that all gone now? Does Meg even matter any more or is she now here just to support HXP?

[sodasback]

Crime Junkie

Drew Starkey ER Nurse Rafe x ER Nurse Reader

Okay besties, I’m gonna repost some of my old “Drew Starkey” fics but I’m going to make them “fanon Rafe Cameron” fics so I don’t feel weird. Lol thank you to all my loves on here for your suggestions and for supporting me in this endeavor 😜🖤 lol 

A lot of them will be ER Nurse Rafe. Here’s the first one. This is ER Nurse Rafe x ER Nurse Reader wayyy down the road when they’re “out” as a couple and living together.

You and Rafe spent a lot of time in the car together. You would carpool to work when you worked the same shift and most mornings you liked to listen to music, like really put on concerts for each other to wake up and get pumped for the hospital.

On the way home though, you usually ended up venting about the shift or opted for a podcast. For weeks, you and Rafe had been hooked on true crime podcasts: Crime Junkie, My Favorite Murder, Serial, Anatomy of a Murder …all of em. You guys also recently had a patient who survived a really violent sexual assault come through the ER. And Rafe had recently learned about some of the scary things that have happened to you in your life …like the type of things that happen to EVERY woman in the world. All of this led to tonight.

You were both headed out to a get-together at Estephany’s place and Rafe was looking for his wallet. You were getting inpatient and antsy because you HATED being late no matter where you were going, so you decided to meet him at the car. You head to the car and when you open the door the smell of the day old milkshakes you two had left in the cupholders hit your nostrils. The parking garage of your apartment complex was literally empty on the level you parked on. As you reached for the milkshakes, you noticed all the other food trash that had accumulated lately and you decided to clean it all up. Your hands were full and you ended up dropping your purse and keys on the ground next to the open car door as you scurried over to throw everything away. But the trashcan that was usually on this level wasn’t there.

“Fuck.” You groaned. And looked back at the car. There was literally no one around and you were getting rotting milkshake juice on your wrist so you B-lined for the stairs and ran down to the next level to throw everything away in the trashcan there. Taking a minute to wipe off your wrist and tie the laces of your boots. You walked back up the stairs to see Rafe’s back as he faced the car. He was completely frozen. 

“Hey, ready to go?” You asked casually, walking past him to the car. 

Rafe whipped around to grab your wrist and turn you to face him “Where the fuck were you?!” He shouted, grabbing your shoulders. You leaned back away from him completely dumbfounded at this extreme reaction. 

“I was just throwing away the trash we left in the car from earlier.” You explained, shrinking from him a little bit. 

“Why would you leave your purse and keys like that?! And leave the car door open?! Your phone was on the floor of the car! What the fuck y/n?!!” He continued going off. 

Rafe had NEVER spoken to you like this. He had never spoken to ANYONE like this that you knew of. 

“My hands were full! I just dropped it trying to throw everything away. Plus, we live in a super safe complex where we know everyone. There’s no one else parked on this level. I was only gone for like 2 seconds.” You listed off hurriedly,  “Like yeah, it probably wasn’t the smartest thing but it’s not that big of a deal, Rafe.” 

You paused, both of you looking at the other with tension filling the air between you “...AND before you start yelling again, you sir, need to watch your tone with me right now.” You added sternly at the end, folding your arms over your chest and giving him a lot of attitude as you furrowed your brow. 

Rafe let go of your shoulders and rubbed his temples, closing his eyes. “Fuck.” He walked away for a second before exhaling and turning back to you. 

“I’m sorry y/n. You scared the shit out of me right now. I just saw the door open like that and all your stuff here... and fuck... I just thought you had gotten ...kidnapped or something.” He mumbled the last part.

Your facial expression relaxed and after a beat, you went and wrapped your arms around Rafe’s waist and he tightly wrapped around your shoulders before he held your head against his chest. He kissed the top of your head. 

“I’m really sorry for talking to you like that, baby.” 

“It’s okay.” You said simply and genuinely before adding, “But it better not fucking happen again, Cameron.” You teased, but you both knew how serious you actually were too. “....Also, maybe we should lay off our true crime podcasts for a little while.” 

“Yeah, can we? I honestly have been scared about you getting kidnapped and chopped into little pieces for weeks.” He chuckled a little. Your heart broke a little bit as you realized something. 

“Is that why I’ve found you in the living room watching Friends in the middle of the night like 4 times last week when you said you couldn’t sleep?” 

“I just kept having nightmares about all this horrible shit happening to you. Especially after you told me all the times that cars have like slowed down or followed you while you’re running. And that time someone put something in your drink at a music festival.” Rafe said, getting all exasperated again. 

“And that’s why all of a sudden you started running with me even though you hate running?” You realized all the little things Rafe had been doing differently lately were all adding up to him being so worried about you. He just looked at you with concern and a little bit of embarrassment. 

“Ahh baby.” You cooed squeezing him tight and then pulling away and grabbing his face with your hands. 

“I’m so sorry, you’ve been so worried lately. I wish you would have told me. The world is definitely a scary place for young women and I can’t promise that nothing bad is ever gonna happen to me. But you can’t be with me every second of every day. I can take care of myself. I have for a really long time. And I can take precautions to stay safe. ...And yeah, leaving my purse and keys near our open car in an empty parking garage at night is not the way to do that. But babe no matter what precautions I take, I can’t control other people and whatever malicious intentions they might have. I promise I’ll be as careful as I can, but you need to realize that neither one of us can control it all and we need to let it go. I know that’s way easier said than done, but if you worry about me ALL THE TIME, it’s just gonna drive us both insane and be really toxic.” 

“I know.” He said quietly, looking down, “I just love you so god damn much y/n. I don’t know what I would do if something happened to you.” 

You were both quiet looking in the other’s eyes. You looked away and smirked.

“Well, at least you would be able to start listening to Johnny Cash again.” You teased, desperately trying to lighten the mood. You both knew how much you despised Johnny Cash songs. 

Rafe gave you an annoyed look for making light of the situation, but then broke into a smile, putting an arm around you as you walked to the car. “And for that, we’re listening to Ring of Fire on the way over to Estephany’s!” He said, playfully slapping your ass and smiling over at you, as you parted to go to your respective car doors.

“I will literally jump out of the car.” You stated.

Taglist: @moniamaybank @abbyj1822 @october-cameron @hernameisnoell @railmerafe @jeyramarie @stupidpendeja 

[catching-bananas]

Headcannons If Banana Fish Crossed Over with other BL Animes

*Warning: Major anime and manga spoilers ahead

1) No.6

You better believe Ash and Nezumi are going to hate each other

Not like “Hate, hate” but like “we’re so much alike I would kill you in a heartbeat.”

They would also brag about who’s life treated them worse, and which one has the better boyfriend.

Meanwhile Shion and Eiji would bond over the fact that their bfs are high ranking wanted criminals

And the fact they learned to fight because of them

“Oh, you shot someone” “Yeah in the shoulder” “I shot a guy in the heart”

Then they will bond over how they beat up their bfs after the stunts they pulled (Nezumi leaving and Ash being stabbed)

Ash and Nezumi might hate each other, but Yut Lung and Nezumi would despise each other

“Shut up you Asian femboy” “Oh f*ck off you dress in drag”

Yut would hate Shion just as much as he hates Eiji, but that wouldn’t stop the white head from baking him a batch of cookies and inviting him over to meet his mother.

Yut secretly likes Karan.

Blanca meets Rikiga. Imagine that.

Ibe becoming friends with Karan and sitting in the bakery with her and Little Shion

Max, Shorter and Inukashi hanging out and getting into a load of trouble with the law. Of course it would be Inukashi’s fault and Max was trying to stop them, while Shorter cheered them on

Jessica tags along with them, but she also talks with Karan about the “troublesome boys they ended up unofficially adopting”

The two siblings that Shion would read to play with Skipper and Michael, just for a wholesome touch

2) Given

Let’s start the heartbreak shall we

Eiji was friends with Sato back in middle school and knew about Yuki

He was the first one Sato called after finding out about Yuki’s death

Because of this, Eiji spends a lot of time with Sato, and barely made any friends in high school.

Shorter is good friends with Haruki and knows about his withering crush on Kaji

He is also good friends with Kaji and knows about his toxic relationship.

Shorter tries to bring the two together but Kaji is a dense as a rock.

Kaji helps Ash with discovering his sexuality and his crush on Eiji.

Max helps Sato with the death of his ex, like how he needed when Griffin died.

Uenoyama and Ash are friends from middle school and neither knows about the other’s sexuality.

So when Uenoyama and Sato gets together, and Eiji with Ash, the other’s expressions are priceless.

“Ash you only ever dated girls” “Dude, I’m bi, but you flipped the switch completely” “Oh”.

Eiji (again) bonds over his bf with Sato, and the two have sleepovers occasionally. (They never invite the others. That’s gossip time)

Ash and Eiji met through Uenoyama and Sato, but they didn’t really talk.

One day Sato asks Eiji to help with writing the lyrics of the new song, Shorter and Sing were asked to help with Kaji’s drum kit and Ash was asked to help with guitar.

They ended up playing together, liked it, and banded together.

Eiji is guitar, Ash is vocals, Shorter is drums and Sing is bass.

Yut Lung and Sing go to the same school, and once Yut insulted a friend of Sing (Eiji), and Sing hated him since

But you know they’re gay for each other.

Yut’s brother is Murata, Kaji’s ex, and he keeps trying to talk to him about fixing things with Sing.

To which Yut calls him a hypocrite, and tells him to end things with Kaji properly.

Both follows the other’s advice in the worse way possible.

3) Classmates

Similar to Given, but with less angst

Ash and Kusakabe are of course bandmates.

Ash realized Kusakabe was gay the first time he mentioned Sajou.

“Dude, is he your boyfriend?” “Huh? No!”

Eiji is the most popular athlete in the school, while Ash is a musician.

Eiji couldn’t sing and needed Ash’s help.

They fall in love.

Ash was so stubborn about it at first, he avoided Eiji.

Until the concert.

Where, instead of going onstage, Eiji drags Ash to the back of the building and relentlessly questions him.

And they kiss.

The relationship is virtually a secret, but the whole school is curious anyways.

It’s an all boy’s school, what do you expect?

Remember the teacher, Harasen? He and Dino, the principal, goes after Ash and Sajou.

Both gets clocked by Eiji and Kusakabe.

Shorter is Ash’s friend and supports him in everything 100%.

Eiji’s family was very accepting of Ash.

Griff and Max basically adopt Eiji.

4) Yuri on Ice

Yes I know there are a million headcannons between these two, shhh~

Ash is Russian, and the older brother of Yurio.

Being much more laid back than the latter, Ash teases him constantly.

“Hey pretty ballerina” “Shut up you stupid doorknob”.

Both have an unhealthy obsession with wild cats, Ash with lynxes and Yurio with tigers.

Ash isn’t a skater, but cheers on his brother when he competes.

He is a fan of Yuri, out of pure spite.

But he is secretly a big fan of Victor as well.

When he travelled with Yuri to Japan to meet Yuri, Eiji and Victor, he contained his happiness well.

Reality: he was super excited.

Victor trained Yuri, but since Yuri and Eiji were good friends, Eiji was allowed to watch.

Eiji didn’t really skate after an injury he had.

Victor found it amusing when Yurio came to challenge Yuri while his brother backed him up.

Ash started calling his brother Yurio, much to the younger’s detriment.

Eiji was very awkward, but they got along well.

So well Ash decided to tag along with him during the competition.

They share a hotel room.

Which went as well as one would expect.

Ash learned about Eiji’s fear of the ice, and with the help of a reluctant Yurio and a supportive Yuri, they help him start skating again.

Que rainbow ending.

[bibbykins]

can u give us a glimpse into what arguing w/ the princes would be like? love ur work btw!!

You bet! I actually had something written about this ages ago but never finished it so I’ll paste it here and add some more!

Warnings: 18+ (just like my whole page and all my works are)This is where the toxicity and unhealthiness of these relationships show, manipulation, yelling, lying, mentions of sex, mentions of rough sex, mentions of various sexual acts (cunnilingus, fellatio, exhibition) I beg of you to not put up with any of this shit irl let fiction stay in the fictional world yknow? I always ramble in my fics about this but I figured I should add it here for good measure

Jin:

Where the other boys rarely ever just “argue” and it is either a fight or nothing, you guys just argue sometimes, never rlly fight

This ties back to the fierce honesty policy you have between each other, but you both are so stubborn so arguing does happen

You both usually start by saying snarky things until one of you breaks and says what is really bothering them, which doesn’t take long at all

If you cry, congrats, you automatically won bc Jin not only does not know how to deal with a woman’s tears, he cannot fathom his one true love crying

Although you usually try to continue explaining your reasoning bc you don’t wanna win by crying, you wanna win bc you’re right

Jin, similar to Jimin, respects you a lot, so the other girls seldom ever catch him acting like a clown’

His downfall is just being bad at expressing his feelings bc he thinks you just know, like you read minds or something

Jin usually apologizes by asking what you want after he forfeits his pride so if it’s a gift, he’s on it, sex? say less. 

He usually prefers to pamper you for a night, not even cumming during sex unless you tell him to

You’re the one who threatens the other fellas when they’re disrespecting their s/o, intentionally or not, and boy are they frightened. You rlly have a way with insults

Yoongi:

Bickers with you, but doesn't fight and everyone does not understand how bc he’s so standoffish to everyone else

Bc your relationship has the most public eyes on it, gossip columns are floored when they cannot find flaws or rumors of fights, and most are too intimidated by Yoongi to just make them up

You both read each other like a book, so the only time anything comes up is if you don’t like what you’re reading at that moment and vice versa, then a fight might start but it is shockingly rare

If he makes you cry, the fight is over, he lost. Yes, this is a running theme among the guys bc they are all whipped dummies

Very perceptive of your feelings, so never really worries about fighting with you or you hiding anything from him

You know how to get him to fess up so it's not the worst system of communication (still not healthy in the slightest but that’s the yandere life here)

He doesn't really try to lie to you or hide anything since you're also pretty bonkers so if he destroyed someone’s career bc he thought they looked at funny, you just roll your eyes and tell him he’s silly

You are the one that Jungkook and Taehyung are terrified of (It’s just about all the hyungline gf’s they are rlly scared of)

You’re usually so bubbly and energetic, but if you get pissed off, you’re as frightening if not more frightening than Yoongi

I should add Yoongi prefers to make up by marathon eating you out, at some point, it feels like he’s getting a kick out of it, but you’re in no place to complain tbh

Hoseok:

Not a lot of fighting here tbh bc you are still healing and your talent is in deescalating situations and telling people’s feeling

Your job is literally a behavior analyst so you will just deadass be like, “I can tell you’re getting frustrated to a point where effective communication won’t be possible, so how can I help calm you down?”

Makes him go silent real quick and reevaluate everything he has ever thought or done

For this reason, he just sighs and apologizes, genuinely bc you can absolutely tell when he’s just saying it to shut you up

He is the only one that will allow you to leave (the room, not the house) not that you want to leave the building considering the dangers you know are out there

Once you both cool off, you’ll have him state what he thought about and vice versa

You give advice to all the girls on how to do this, but not all of them are brave enough to try

So you go full mama bear mediator and step in when you feel the need

You genuinely frighten these guys bc you have this innate ability to make them feel dumb as fuck

Namjoon:

No fights rlly but misunderstandings happen that makes Joon go manic

You get frustrated bc he does this instead of just talking to you, but he’s learning little by little

The moment you aren’t smiling or trying to make a light joke with him, fight over, you won, he is worried

Bc he knows if you’re not smiling, you’re almost definitely going to cry and when you cry, he cries

You actually implement Angel’s tips and see some improvement with communication as time goes on

Namjoon’s love language in making up is grand gestures, so he’ll rent out a whole restaurant, or take you on a shopping spree to an art supply store, anything that will bring a smile to your face

You intimidate the other guys when they fight with their darlings bc you keep a smile the whole time you are threatening them and holy fuck is it eerie. You usually try to distract the upset girls post-argument with a craft or fun art facts

Jimin:

What makes the relationship work are your selfish tendencies working in tandem with his more sinister ones, but it can’t always work that way

You both test each other all the time despite agreeing on almost everything because the relationship is not a fight for dominance, but control-control you usually win 

The closest you get to real fighting is rough sex, most of the time you have disagreements that you resolve with conversation

It's the most “healthy” (it’s not all that healthy tbh) thing about the relationship and it blows everyone's minds, but it only happens bc Jimin has always respected you, and he genuinely knows that you don’t need him as much as he needs you

But on the extremely rare occasion there is a fight it is never in front of anyone and all hell breaks loose: screaming, yelling, slamming doors, it all seems like endless hell bc you both are too stubborn to say when you’re wrong

Until you cry

He really can't stand the sight of you crying, bc you rarely ever cry. He sees you as really tough and his whole perception of the world shatters once he realizes he’s the cause of your tears

Making up includes, you guessed it, sex. Like calling into work bc you can’t walk sex (Jimin cries during this sex bc he feels undeserving but by round 2 he stops)

The girls come to you post-argument to rant bc you live to talk shit with them to vent

Taehyung:

Rarely ever fights with you, because he absolutely despises doing so and you typically do what he says without question

But when you do fight, it always ends with both of you crying and hugging

During the argument though, he can say some seriously out of pocket shit, bc he lacks impulse control and you take that shit to hear bc who wouldn’t 

The fights are nightmarish and hard to watch bc at some point it just becomes Taehyung losing his mind while you cower until he realizes how much of an asshole he’s being or until you try to leave mid convo

Bless him if he were to ever make you cry in front of the other MC’s, my guy would be ripped to shreds bc the other girls do not fuck around

Hates to ever be the cause of your tears so you both are very quick to makeup and he can spend up to weeks making up for it

I’m talking gifts, money, food, dates, clothes, he is basically your personal assistant that pays you when he feels bad

The girl’s come to you after an argument for quiet time or some cute embroidery time

Jungkook:

You don't fight often, but when you do it's disastrous bc he is wildly paranoid and you are wildly insecure

You almost always go into a panic attack, fearing he'll leave you and he immediately loses all fight in him and feels like shit

And he is absolutely crushed seeing you hyperventilate or clutch your chest while he's yelling so he just stops like mid yell will just close his mouth and take a deep breath before going to you 

Immediately apologizes when it happens

Usually cries with you while he holds you

Another fella that will get torn to shreds by the other girls if they even catch a whiff of him being anything other than sunshine and rainbows to you rip jungkook tbh

He makes it up to you the same way Taehyung makes it up, by shutting his mouth and doing whatever you want, and giving you whatever you want

When the other girls get into an argument with their guy, they come to you for a hug and some quality time distraction

[againsttheblade]

💥 gif credit to kingswitchblade right here on tumblr.

Below you’ll receive everything you need to know about the way that I portray Jay. There’s drugs, pain, despair, sex, alcohol, and all shades of a very broken individual. He knows he’s broken. He doesn’t despise it. He doesn’t sulk in it. He revels in it. He owns it.

I obviously don’t know or have any affiliation with the actual Jay White. This is just a roleplayer roleplaying a character how I’d like.

• Name: Jamie ‘Jay’ White. His ring name and his birth name.

• Age: 28. ( October 9, 1992 )

• Born: Auckland, New Zealand 🇳🇿

• Residence: Tokyo, Japan 🇯🇵 but, he has a place in Tampa. He just hardly uses it.

• Background ( fictional ): Jamie wasn’t always so dangerous and reckless. He was actually quite the opposite. He was raised by a single mother and is one of 3 kids. He’s the baby boy and the only boy. Jay has no recollection or memory of his father but he passed away not long after he was a baby. He doesn’t ask how or why, that involves emotions that he doesn’t like to feel. Jay was the best son a mother could ask for. Good grades, athletic, polite, respectful. There wasn’t a bad bone in his body... until he decided to become a professional wrestler and became a Young Lion in the New Japan Dojo. He owes that for him becoming a “real man” as he calls it since he didn’t have a father figure to show him how. From there, the Switchblade was born.

• Relationship Status ( also fictional ): In a wild, toxic, dangerous, obsession and infatuation with a deep spiritual soul bearing connect with Ophelia ( @reginaserpe ) If something were to happen where she’d disappear from his life entirely, he’d lose his shit. His only sense of sanity left is her. They’re both aware at how dangerous being in love with each other is since they’re loose cannons.

• Plots: They’re 100% always open. Message me and we’ll discuss things but as of right now, Jay just needs more friends in general especially since he’s relocating to Tampa soon. More sane ones (ones that act like actual adults and not wild partying heathens) preferred but I’ll take what I can get.

• Personality: Jay can come across as very cocky, very arrogant, and selfish (unless it has something to do with Ophelia. He’s your typical “I’m not cocky, I’m just confident.” type of person. He’s also the type that if that rubs people the wrong way, who cares. I wouldn’t describe him as outright rude. He’s capable of holding conversation but some of the slick comments and sarcasm can turn the convo south rather quickly.

• New Japan Pro Wrestling / Bullet Club / ETC: As far as the BC is concerned, he respects the leaders before him but he feels as though that a lot of the former members (cough, cough Good Brothers ) hold onto the name, leach off the name, just to make bank and hold onto relevancy. (These are not mun’s feelings, it’s apart of Jay’s arrogance) He more than hates it. If you were to ask him about it, he’d give you the spill on his feelings. As far as NJPW, he’s extremely proud of being apart of their roster and being one of their top stars currently, he’ll defend it with his whole heart. As of right now, he’s sworn that he’s never leaving for any other company ever.

• The drugs, the drinking, the downward spiral: All of Jay’s triggering content and behavior will be tagged accordingly and if I slip and do not, a simple message to remind me will be appreciated because I’m human and I forget. I don’t think I’ll be playing Jay like this forever (especially with his relationship and him falling more in love with Ophelia as days pass on) but this will be him for now. I’ll update all of this when that happens, believe me.

• OOC: Jay is the only character I have here. Therefore, my time and energy will solely be on him. I’ve toyed with the idea of bringing someone else in but for right now, I just don’t have time to dedicate or even have as much interest in another wrestler as I do Jay. If anyone has anything else to ask, message me.

[malyen0retsev]

Hey it's your friendly s+s spookily timed anon once again! I finished my reread of r+r today and i've got to say i'm absolutely baffled that people still despise Mal after that book. I thought after reading book 2 and seeing nothing wrong that maybe it was r+r Mal people had a problem with and I was again prepared to be disappointed. Even though I don't agree with it I get some of the siege and storm Mal criticism, but ruin and rising Mal?? The one who respects Alina's boundaries, who makes amends with Nikolai, who instantly becomes Misha's caretaker and father figure, who apologises for everything he has done and who accepts Alina's purpose and sacrifices his life to save everyone?? That Mal is still hated? That Mal is probably my favourite iteration of a character in the trilogy (with the exception of maybe s+s Nikolai) and I now feel completely comfortable and justified in defending him against the people who say he's toxic because that ain't the case in the slightest.

I have little else to add because all. of. this. (ok clearly I had a lot to add with hindsight I went on A Rant)

Mal in Ruin and Rising is nothing short of god damn glorious. He has grown so much as a character, put aside his own wishes and desires (which is not easy for him to do) and becomes whatever it is Alina needs him to be. Like, the quote 'I am become a blade' gets the piss taken out of it, and yet that quote means the absolute world to me and completely summarises Mal in R&R - he wishes to be a blade in Alina's hand, to be a tool of whatever it is she needs him to be, and he will do it willingly, without question. It's a beautiful beautiful quote which embodies who Mal has become.

The quote which actually really really gets me in R&R though, which is another entire summary of Mal and the person he has become in that book, is when Nikolai is offering him a house and financial support (because Nikolai, being the sweetheart he is, realises how hard him marrying Alina is on Mal, knows Mal is important to Alina, and wants to make Mal's life as good as he possibly can). And Mal replies with "I don't need any of that. Just... deserve her." All Mal wants is for Alina to be taken care of and loved. And then we go full circle to the end of the book, where Mal says to Alina that he will spend the rest of his life doing his best to 'deserve' her. They have each other and the life they want, finally, and yet still, no matter what, Mal's absolute priority is what is best for Alina. God even typing this, I feel emotional.

Anyone who thinks Mal in R&R is toxic is just wrong. I'm not even having this up for interpretation. They're just wrong. R&R was the novel which made me go from really liking Mal to just straight up falling completely and utterly in love with him, and it solidified him as my favourite Grishaverse character and no character will ever change that. In R&R, Mal is selfless and brave and kind and supportive and funny and sweet and wonderful. He deserves the world. And thank god he got the world at the end of that book - that world being a life of love and peace with Alina. God I love R&R so god damn much, it is such a beautiful book with such a beautiful ending.

[expired-monster-craft-smp]

Vibes Dream SMP members give off (in my opinion)

Dream

Barked at people in high school ironically but it became unironic real quick

Can’t cook very well but is good with a knife, especially at a fast pace

One of those kids who either purposely spells the first word wrong in a spelling bee to just be done with it right away or tries the hardest and manages to win (there is no inbetween for this heathen)

Bites ice cream with his teeth

Has snorted pixie stix far too many times and sneezed blue after each time

Eats bananas with the peels

Wears mismatched socks

Has taken a bite out of a pool noodle because he liked the texture and impulsively bit it (ADHD things✨😌)

Walks around looking extremely high but he’s just spacin out and stuck in his head

Dreams (lmao) in Minecraft and video games in general

Will flirt with anything that moves but has no idea how to respond to compliments

Makes fun of himself first before anyone else can

Has eaten an orange peel and it wasn’t that bad in his humble opinion

Wears khaki shorts

Eats the wax part of the baby bell cheese

Doesn’t actually know what genre his music taste is cause he vibes to everything

Georgenotfound

Picks at the skin on his lip when it’s dry so it bleeds and he tries not to give in by licking his lips often enough to the point where it became a habit

Wears velcro shoes because he doesn’t feel like tying them (he knows how, he just doesn’t wanna do it)

Eats peanut butter straight from the jar

Makes that disgusting “ants on a log” thing (celery stick filled with peanut butter topped with a row of raisins)

Can’t drink milk plain, it’s gotta have some sort of flavour

Can draw a perfect straight line but his circles look Terrible

Eats cheez-its like cereal without milk

Loves making little noises so much like he walks around his house doin chores and he’s just goin “memememenownownwnkwkshskshkshskhs”

Hates wearing socks

Coloured his tongue with highlighters because they’re non-toxic

Constantly tapping his feet and hands to a song/beat playing in his head

I can’t imagine this man using a bike of any sort, so Imma say he doesn’t know how

Can’t be licked by dogs because he’s used to being licked by his cat so it makes him uncomfortable

Can actually sing pretty well but gets real nervous in front of people so he fucks it up

Sapnap

No idea how to cook anything other than Mac and cheese please help this man

Meows at cats because he wants to confuse them and laughs Way too hard when he does (his laugh is like sunshine so I’ll allow it)

Would be fantastic at braiding hair Idk why

Gives the BEST fuckin hugs EVER

When singing, he makes noises for the instrumental parts too

Wanted to play the drums at one point

Really likes pit bulls but he’s more of a cat person so he loves them from afar

Only vaguely knows how to shave his face properly without hurting himself

Opportunities for him come up out of pure luck but mans is skilled for them so it works out well almost Always

Used to or currently has a skateboard and isn’t too bad

ALWAYS has bruises appearing everywhere for no reason, he doesn’t even know where 90% of them are from

Calls his friends twinks to jokingly bully them and gets away with it because he himself is not a twink

Gets sudden bursts of energy in the middle of the night and just shimmies around a bit to try and deal with it

Favours spearmint over peppermint

Arsonist

Banned from three (3) Dave & Busters in Texas

Badboyhalo

Washes his hands after doing literally anything

Likes the bird exhibits at the zoo (specifically the penguins)

Very good at cooking, best at soups and stews

If he painted his nails they would definitely be a baby blue

Overthinks very simple things and it makes him look less smart than he actually is

Drinks tap water

Probably prefers whiskey over beer

Knows how to tap dance a bit

Surprisingly good at taking and handling shots

Steady hands

Adds extra chocolate to hot chocolate

Plays sudoku and is really really good at it (only uses pen when he plays)

Everytime he sees a Himalayan salt lamp he NEEDS to lick it despite knowing it’s very salty and he’ll pull a face afterwards

Not great at Rock Paper Scissors

Wears sunglasses inside for no reason at all, he just,,,Does

Still has a stuffed animal from childhood perched on his bed

Probably tried his hand at archery

Tommyinnit

He has no idea how to use a baby voice on children or animals, so he just talks to them normally

Wears socks to bed

His fingers are double jointed

Always starts twitching if he stays still for too long because he’s gotta move around

His shoes and have different laces and it bothers everyone but himself

Doodles on himself in class when he’s bored or not paying attention

Has really good hearing, both with pitch and volume

Can’t eat tomato’s by themselves, it’s either gotta be in sauce form or with something else

FUCKING LOVES STRING CHEESE

Terrible handwriting

Favourite part of a slice of bread is the crust

Wants to paint his nails black to be cool and edgy but his hands are far from steady and he has no clue how to paint nails

Pretty affectionate with close friends (like Tubbo and Wilbur) off stream/camera

He likes pears for some reason

Wilbur Soot

Is constantly having to decide between leaving his hair as is or shaving all of it off

He also thinks about adding some colour but never actually does

Most tea is gross to him

Everytime he puts a breath mint thats circular in his mouth, he pretends it’s a pill and he’s taking drugs because he thinks that’s funny

He does that vacant state as a joke but that really what he looks like when he’s spacing out

Likes to aggressively flirt with his male friends but if his female friends flirt with him, he gets a bit flustered

Has probably accidentally swallowed a guitar pick

Once drank two entire jars of pickle juice

Bonks his head on anything and everything

He has broken a pair of glasses by walking face first into a pole outside

Thinks kinetic sand is fun

Has passionate arguments with others about trivial and random topics like chicken feet

Can open a beer bottle with his teeth

Would accidentally pop and swallow a bracket if he had braces

Tubbo

Hates sharp cheddar cheese

Everytime he learns a new word it’s in every sentence he says for the next week or so

Ate candle wax for a dare once

Doesn’t know how to tie a tie and will probably never learn

Wanted to do ballet at one point but decided not to

He has eaten multiple flowers for absolutely no reason other than wanting to know how they taste

Starts vibrating if he’s too excited

Used to bite his nails

ABSOLUTELY DESPISES MUSTARD

Has eaten paper and says it doesn’t taste that bad

Enjoys telling his friends how much they mean to him (this has resulted in Tommy and Wilbur crying on a few seperate occasions)

Spaces out a lot and doesn’t often pay attention to his surroundings

Gets lost inside of Best Buy’s

Likes s’mores but doesn’t properly understand how to make them

Technoblade

Learned to cook purely out of spite and found it’s actually pretty fun

Constantly getting smacked in the face by trees when walking outside

Really likes apple pie

Everytime he looks at potatoes he thinks of all the hours he spent trying to win the potato war

Starts things as a joke and gets too into it

Doesn’t like the taste of most energy drinks

Has rubbed salt and lemon juice into an open wound to just,,see how it felt (he did it once and Hated it but did it again because he forgot what it felt like)

Sometimes hates how quiet he is because everyone he knows is loud and talks over him

Despite how he is portrayed in the Dream SMP, he is extremely loyal to his friends and would kill for them

Over seasons his food because he can’t taste it otherwise

Really good balance

Doesn’t like to wear bright colours, but still enjoys wearing colours

Good at knitting

Quackity

Actually fairly quiet when off camera

Will accidentally use Spanish grammar while speaking English sometimes

Country music confuses him

Doesn’t really like kids but they really like him

Can’t dance

Hardest drugs he’s ever done is second hand smoke from a cigarette and children’s Tylenol

His favourite jolly ranchers are the red and blue ones

He uses lighters as fidget toys basically

Will have a breakdown, take a bubble bath, and call himself the self care king

Dehydrated

Wants a pet rat but he already has a cat and doesn’t wanna risk anything

Constantly questions why his main source of income is playing Minecraft with two 16 year olds

Karl Jacobs

Probably ate a spider once

Would wear those socks that are like gloves for you feet where it separates all the toes

Eats ravioli straight from the can, cold

Can answer an incredibly complex math equation fairly easily but will stumble over 12x11

Loves kids so much and speaks to them in a soft voice

Tried making ramen in a coffee pot and broke it

Drinks 2 monster energy drinks a day on average

Likes to open walnuts with his teeth but doesn’t actually eat them

The embodiment of that one John Maulany joke where he says you could spill soup in his lap and HE’D apologize to YOU

Loves physical affection so so much!!!!

If he moves his wrists in a certain way, they pop Really Loudly

Fantastic at making cookies

Fundy

Lowkey actually a furry but more on like, a cat boy level than fursuit level

Drives a Honda Civic

Likes ABBA

Adds parsley to almost anything he makes food-wise

Loves garlic bread so much, he’d commit a federal crime for it

Middle child vibes

Decent at skiing

Good at singing but isn’t terribly confident

Seems responsible at first glance but in reality he’s pretty chaotic and childish

Bad at spelling

Always cuts his nails way too short so they always feel weird/hurt

Likes bracelets and rings

Thinks pastel colours slap

JSchlatt

Despite the character he plays, he’s actually really sweet

He’s genuinely that cryptic off camera as he is on camera

Can cook but chooses not to most of the time

Would probably say “what pussy size you wear” to anyone who asks him to buy pads

Not actually as intimidating as he appears to be

Lowkey would fight a child

Shuts down when someone compliments him, often using aggression as a front because holy shit they just called him handsome and kind what the Fuck-

Jokingly says his license is suspended but in all actuality he never got his license in the first place

He has two (2) extra teeth but they don’t need to be removed so he kept them

Has a stick n poke of a stickman on his ankle he got in high school

Likes physics

This is already very long, and I still plan on adding more.

[percyjacksonfan3]

For the salty asks: numbers one, five, six, and twenty through twenty-three please 😇

I live for the chaos so pls just... go off my dude

Ah Tay, reason #187893467 that I love you is that you indulge me in my rants <3

Salty asks are from this post!

K this got LONG so here's a read more!

1. What OTPs in your fandom(s) do you just not get?

Honestly even though I don't multi-ship often I DO usually get the appeal behind ships so this is a really short list. This will probably get me some hate but I still to this day can't get behind c/ex@ from the show that will not be named. But then again I do get the appeal of two super attractive women with chemistry and the whole ruler/ girl who makes the ruler change their ways thing. So I guess I get it even if I don't like it?

Also, and this is not to hate on Hinny, but Harry and Ginny from HP are not my cup of tea. I like what fandom has done for them but the actual content we get for them in the books (and movies, but I prefer the books) isn't enough for me to love them. Same with Mal and Alina from S & B/ Grishaverse, they're so bland to me in the books but the show is doing far better with them and actually making Mal ya know. Likeable. Again, I don't ship it, but best friends to lovers is top tier so I get it.

Oh! I also don't really get Dwalin/Ori from The Hobbit, but that is probably in large part because I'm a Dwalin/Nori shipper. Again though, all of the secondary characters' relationships in The Hobbit rely on fans to extrapolate HARD and wear extreme shipper goggles, and ik there's that scene where Dwalin helps Ori out of the river so like.. maybe that's where it's from? I don't hate it or anything but it's always something that's made me go ??? cause I have no idea where the heck it came from.

Apart from that... I can't think of any rn? I feel like I understand where all the PJO ships come from, even if I don't ship them. There are a couple that I don't understand how they can be someone's OTP, just because I find them super boring (no offense to those who ship C@leo or J@siper but I just don't love how Rick handled those relationships). In TSC I think fandom mainly vibes with the same pairings and that's true for most of my book fandoms. With the shows I watch I don't think fans majorly ship anything too out there for me. Maybe I don't interact enough with fandoms to tell. So this is all I got.

5. Has fandom ever ruined a pairing for you?

Oh my god, oh my god, this is a can of worms, my lord. A pairing I'm not so sure about, but characters? Abso-fucking-lutely. I took a break from PJO fandom for exactly that reason and the list of characters is endless honestly, for multiple fandoms.

I won't say fandom ruined Bell@rke for me cause I still ship it, but I definitely lost enthusiasm with how toxic the shows fandom was and then that was made even worse when the show completely destroyed itself with the worst writing and plots ever in the latter seasons.

Also I have a feeling that G@me of Thrones/ @soiaf ruined one for me but I can't remember this very second. Maybe not, and again that's probably cause I don't interact with fandoms en masse, usually just through fic and following a few people I vibe with in each.

6. Has fandom ever made you enjoy a pairing you previously hated?

Yes, quite a few! I used to dislike Drarry (for obvious reasons I feel) and Romione (as a kid I wanted Hermione to be with Harry and even when I grew out of that I really didn't like she was with Ron) but fandom changed that for sure. And same with Darklina now, I was upset cause I felt like the books really underutilized their relationship and fell short of what could have been a super awesome pairing if better explored, but the show fandom is taking it in so many different ways that I'm starting to really love them despite the reasons I shouldn't.

And I won't say I hated Hayffie in THG, but definitely the only reason I ship them is from reading @ellanainthetardis's fic Have a Drink Sweetheart and then all the others written for them. That portrayal of Hayffie and the characters have become my own headcanons now because I've been reading them for so long and they're so good.

Fandom made me ship Leon and Morgana from Merlin too, though that's very lowkey. I never hated them, I just never thought of them as a pairing until reading fic.

20. What is the purest ship in the fandom?

Percabeth. I don't care which fandom, it's Percabeth. Growing up together, going from enemies to friends to best friends to lovers? The establishment of them being best friends and the way Rick wrote that friendship was so pure, and they are a couple with no internal problems, all external, and you just know they're gonna be together through everything, fighting at each other's side, cause that's the way they are. There's a reason they're my OTP and it's cause they are the most well-established, ride or die couple I can think of. They're just so solid.

21. What are your thoughts on crack ships?

Love em for fandom but personally I very rarely get behind crackships just because I usually need a lot of build up, scenes, good dialogue and chemistry, etc. to ship something, so most of my ships aren't crack ships. The only one I can really think of that I actively root for and ship and would read fic for is Billy/ Owen from 911 Lonestar which is just... something.

Like idk if Barduil from The Hobbit is crack because ik it's quite popular... what makes a ship a crack ship anyway? Lack of canon reference? Is it cause they two characters would be so random together because they barely ever interact? Or because it's SO unrealistic you know for sure it will never happen but want it to anyway? Or is it lack of popularity in fandom? I need someone to define this so I have a better answer :D if it's the second option then I have MANY

I love seeing fandom stuff for crack ships though, cause seriously, it's fiction, ship who you want. If you ship two characters just cause you think they're pretty side by side then that's enough for me. Make all of the fan art and fic you like.

22. Popular character you hate?

Oof. Jason from HOO. And Leo in everything after The Lost Hero. I hated Piper in The Lost Hero and Mark of Athena but like her after those. I don't like any of the book characters from S & B except Nikolai, but I like everyone in the show (except David? Why did they make him so weird? Like he's not even awkward, he's straight up rude imo, but anyway). In @soiaf I don't like Jon Snow, I think he's boring. And I despise Jorah Mormont cause I think he's creepy for having a crush on Dany.

Didn't love Stefan in TVD, too much of a goody-two-shoes. I liked dark Stefan but it felt like a totally different character. Honestly most of the characters I don't like cause they're boring or too by-the-book.

OH! A big one in M@rvel is Captain America. Can't stand him honestly, I like him as a character to have in the story, but I like never agree with him on anything. I like a couple of his one-liners but that's it really. I also don't like Gale in THG, idk if that's controversial. Or Lex@ from the show that will not be named because I think she's manipulative and not good for any of the characters i DO love.

Is Ron popular? I think so. I like fandom Ron but not canon Ron and idk why. I think I'm growing out of it but I read those books when I was like 7 initially so I thought it was awful of Ron to stop being friends with Harry because he was jealous and I never really got over that.

There are so many but I'm gonna stop now.

23. Unpopular character you love?

Again, tons. I love anyone whose got kind of a tortured backstory because it makes them more interesting to me.

I love Movieverse Hawkeye! I think Clint is great and while I wish his deafness was canon in Marvel and I don't love J Remmer, I do love Hawkeye a lot. He was honestly one of the only Marvel characters that felt consistent and in-character throughout the movies.

I like President Snow from THG just cause I think he was a fantastic villain. And Effie and Haymitch aren't unpopular, but they're probably my favourites, again because of the fics mentioned above.

Leon from Merlin!! I don't actually think he's unpopular, but he's like... my fourth favourite character in the show which I know IS considered high for most people.

Sandor Clegane from ASOIAF. Not the show, just the books. His book character is phenomenal and I am so excited for GrrM to finish the goddamn series so I know what happens to him.

The Stolls and Katie Gardner from PJO cause fandom created Tratie and sucked me in at a young age.

Bellatrix Lestrange? Is she unpopular? I don't think so but she's another one I think is a fantastic villain. I'm almost more interested in her than Voldemort tbh.

That's probably it!

Thanks so much for the ask Tay, this was tons of fun! Anyone else who's interested can feel free to fill my inbox!

[popwasabi]

“End of Evangelion” and the tempting nature of oblivion

(TW: Suicide, Self-harm, Pain, Depression, Mental Health, Death)

“End of Evangelion” is a perplexing movie to say the least.

Not that the original classic anime “Neon Genesis Evangelion” series ends on exactly the most conclusive note itself, but “End” takes everything that transpired in the series and literally destroys it.

The films ends with Earth experiencing the long foreshadowed Third Impact and all of the planet returning to the primordial “soup,” as fans call it, with its main protagonist Shinji Ikari and comrade Asuka Langley Soryu as the only remaining humans left. A pseudo, twisted rebeginning of Adam and Eve’s Genesis.

The film is fairly divisive among the fans to say the least. Some fans consider it a masterpiece for its nihilistic tone and mind-bending illustrations of body horror and others despised it for being too dark and confusing with no clear explanation of anything that happened in the film’s events. Hell, even the movie’s fans have a difficult time explaining what exactly happens in the narrative.

I was somewhat in the middle with it after I watched it the first time not super long ago. It was certainly abstract, and I like plenty of stories that don’t make it easy for me to understand. The animation is definitely the franchise’s best and I enjoyed the character moments between Shinji, Asuka, and Misato. But it was also, as stated before, dreadfully confusing and still to this day hard to makes heads or tails out of with its plot.

But, as with more than a few movies I have revisited this year, 2020 helped me contextualize one aspect I think the story is concretely trying to get across.

(We’ll save discussion of “Rebuild” for another day...)

At my lowest points not long ago, I had this frequent vision that would crawl across my mind.

I imagined being up in the clouds on a beautiful sunny day, but I wasn’t floating or flying. I was plummeting, falling like a bird without wings at a speed that would definitely kill me once I got to the ground. But I never imagined actually hitting the Earth like a meat-bagged, human sized asteroid. I only ever imagined the falling part. The wind reaching a terminal velocity and the air rushing past my body and you know what look I had on my face?

Happiness.

I was confused a bit by why I kept imagining this moribund fall into oblivion over and over again. I wasn’t suicidal, though I certainly have had thoughts of self-harm plenty of times before and general detachment from life. But why the fuck was I so happy? I’m about to die after all!

What I have come to realize in recent years, as I’ve developed a better understanding of my mental health and what makes me tick, it wasn’t that I wanted to die so much as I wanted the freedom that comes moments before it. The feeling of finally letting go and letting fate/gravity do the rest.

Years of my life failing at various aspects of societal expectations and career obligations from not being able to get the girls I wanted to date so badly, relationships ending poorly, not quite applying myself the way I should’ve in college, and working a plethora of unfulfilling jobs since graduation made me yearn for that release. Just that feeling of saying “fuck it all” and giving in to the void.

I wanted to stop feeling out of control. The way the world is structured often feels like you are on a wild, rapid river flowing in one very stark direction but you desperately want to go the other way. You keep fighting and fighting it and realize after a while you are just swimming in place, you tire out and either float where the river wants you to go or you drown. I wanted neither of those things, I just wanted control and unfortunately part of life is accepting that a very large percentage of it is beyond your power to alter.

2020 made this feeling starkly apparent once again as we were hit with a once in a lifetime global pandemic that has killed 2.21 million people and counting. As common people struggle to find ways to handle the loss of loved ones and the fallout from economic instability those tasked with protecting us have more or less ignored the cries of needy. Hell, they’re fucking miffed that we would even have the audacity to ask for $2000 of our own fucking tax dollars to put a band-aid on the situation. Combine this with an extremely volatile two-party system and late stage capitalism, we are about as out of control as ever in terms of how much we actually can course correct our destinies in a period like this.

It is why so many irony-pilled millennials and gen z-ers are posting dank memes about meteors colliding with the earth over the course of the year. We’ve lived through two recessions, two forever wars, and now a pandemic in our lifetimes while paying off our crippling debt with slave wages and yet boomers still wonder why we are near universally depressed as a generation.

(Seriously, everybody needs a fucking therapist right now...and also to dismantle the fucking system that’s making us depressed!)

This is what I feel is the real heart of “End of Evangelion.” The movie is a lot of things, obviously, but, after the events of this year and looking back on the more depressing parts of my life, I feel this film is about the tempting nature of oblivion. Giving up when things are clearly beyond your control so you can get that sweet but twisted, fleeting sense of freedom from it all.

Director Hideaki Anno didn’t feel too entirely different about the state of life when he made this series and certainly by the time he made “End” he was in a very dark place.

So, quick history lesson, “Neon Genesis Evangelion” debuted in 1994 and quickly became a classic among fans of anime and the giant mech vs monster genre. Critics loved it for its exploration of mental health and depression and of course plenty enjoyed the hell out of it for its giant monster/robot escapism as well. Fast forward to the conclusion of the series, critics and fans especially are far more polarized. I won’t try to explain exactly what happens in the ending and frankly I don’t think anyone can, but that confusion led to quite a bit of outcry by the fans.

Hideaki Anno, the series’ director, received tons of hate mail and death threats following the series conclusion. The fans hated how abstract it was, how it had an undecisive ending and chose to dive into the mind of Shinji instead of conclusively describing the events of the Third Impact with plenty going as far as to say he had “ruined” his own series for them. This made him unfortunately quite depressed himself over the ending he felt creatively fairly content with.

(I think it should be clear who Shinji is mostly likely a stand-in for in this anime...)

The fan reaction was toxic to say the least and all too familiar for many creatives who didn’t adequately satisfy the insatiable vapid needs of their fandom. Anno did not take this well to put it lightly. A man who was known as a delinquent in high school and expelled from the Osaka University of Arts much earlier in his life, and dealt plenty with his own bouts of depression, Anno had plenty of his own demons to sort out and quite clearly wanted to explore that mental state in “Neon Genesis Evangelion.”

I’ll be honest and say that I myself was not fond of the ending either when I watched it the first time as a freshman in college, and even went as far as to describe it as everything that was wrong with anime to friends in the years that followed for a while. I felt it was confusing and “fake deep,” existential for no reason other than because it just wanted to and people were “dumb” if they liked it.

When I rewatched it again as a much older adult when it came on Netflix last year, I found it much more fascinating and interesting. A sort of abstract introspective into the mind of a troubled teenager, who I had written off many years prior as a “whiny baby.” Though I wouldn’t say I completely understand it still, I get it much more now and I think it has a lot to say about depression and mental health.

Unfortunately, most fans did not have that reaction back then and as a result Anno made his true conclusion “End of Evangelion” as a response to that negativity.

(You’re welcome, nerds.)

As mentioned before, “End of Evangelion” is an extremely nihilistic film that seems to one up each dark moment as you traverse its spiraling narrative. It’s a film where things never get better. If you go into it blind expecting that big last minute heroic save the day moment, it’s always teased and never comes. Things just end very badly for everyone. Nobody gets a “happy ending.”

While the ending to the original series is strange for sure, it does end on a light note that can be interpreted in a number of different ways but ultimately positive. With the way fans reacted to it Anno decided to write a big “fuck you” to them by, in many ways, smashing his toys so no one could play with them again. He even went as far as to splice in the actual hate mail he received into the movie to quite clearly show to the audience, as their favorite characters met their grissly ends, that this was their fault.

(“Gee, I wonder what that was all about.” ~ a fan walking out of the theater back in 1997.)

In a way though, Anno created something strangely beautiful from that reaction. “End of Evangelion” is about giving up in some ways and accepting our inevitable doom. There are no easy answers, no workable solutions to achieve a happy ending because sometimes in life there isn’t one. Despite last ditch efforts by Misato, Shinji, and the crew of NERV the world still ends through the Third Impact. But tonally it’s not quite pessimistic; it’s actually positive, in a very twisted sense of course.

Set to the song “Komm Susser Tod” by ARIANNE, the film’s apocalypse can almost be described as a celebration. With people “popping” and turning into the primordial soup they all largely have smiles on their faces as they kind of get what they want whether it’s a desire to reunite with loved ones, to be with people they have crushes on, or happiness that they have sought for so long in the embrace of others. Everyone’s depressed! But now they are happy because it’s finally all over, they don’t have to give a shit anymore.

As the planet lights up like a Christmas tree, there are images of suicide and death that rapidly cross the screen in the form of the Angel’s final transformation but again, nobody is truly sad about it. They all have some kind of twisted smile or joy that they get from it. It’s a shocking film, if you’re not already prepared for what’s going to happen, and provocative to say the least.

(Can’t decide if I recommend watching this high or not...)

I had no idea what any of it meant at the time when I watched it several years ago (I watched it well after I had seen the original series), and to be fair there are many ways fans have interpreted what exactly took place in the film and have debated endlessly on its meaning for decades now. But at least in my interpretation, after everything we’ve been through this year, “End of Evangelion” to me is about the sweet release of not giving a fuck anymore.

Whether it’s about Anno feeling that way about his own life or the expectations of his fans or both, the film quite clearly doesn’t care about what people may or may not have wanted for Shinji and the NGE characters and is perfectly fine with the way it all comes “tumbling down.”

(He just wants to be with his boyfriend, guys.)

This past July 4th, city fireworks shows were prohibited in my area because they wanted to limit mass gatherings due to COVID but this didn’t stop people from buying plenty of their own to fire off. In what amounted to a collective “fuck you” to everything and 2020, beginning pretty much exactly at dusk people started firing off their at home lightshows like they were mortar gunners in World War I and did not let up until well past midnight. The entire Southern California night sky was lit up not to unlike the thousands of crosses that filled the screen during the Third Impact of “End of Evangelion” and though it could certainly be interpreted as a moment of people patriotically going “Yea, America!” that night, my head canon was much different. It felt like tens of thousands of people across the region just saying “Fuck it” into the night sky at everything; COVID, our horrendous government, police violence, pending World Wars, environmental disaster, and our collective impending doom from it all.

As these fireworks hit their zenith around 9pm I broke out my phone and started playing “Komm Susser Tod” from the movie and it felt perfect. Everyone just wanted to feel that freedom in the moment, that freedom of not giving a damn anymore. To be removed from expectations, from control, from hatred, from pain and it was kind of beautiful in a sick way.

And that’s what “End of Evangelion” feels like to me now; kind of beautiful in a sick way.

(Not saying the LA skyline looked like this exactly but it felt like it haha...)

There are still many ways to interpret Hideaki Anno’s cult classic, and it’s part of its charm but I think the take away fans should have is definitely not that suicide is ok but that we get it. We understand why people have those feelings and why it feels freeing to desire the void and oblivion. It’s a pity that the series most toxic fans didn’t get that clue through the original finale but Anno, not a person who likes  being shoved around, clearly created perhaps the most twistedly beautiful “fuck you” to that in anime history.

As we enter 2021 all I can say is it’s ok to feel like this, it’s ok to desire freedom from the relentless gloom and doom of the world and people’s prying expectations of what they think you “should” be. No one blames you. At the end of the day, we’re all just trying to survive the apocalypse we have zero control over, so the least we can do is be a bit nicer and considerate of one another. 

At least it’ll make the Third Impact more pleasant whenever it eventually comes...

Happy New Year, everyone! 

Congratulations on surviving 2020! Have fun in 2021...

[couchpotatoaniki]

The books that you posted about really intrigued me. And the books seemed really cool, I was wondering if you have any book recommendations? For any genre.

:0 Someone's asking me about book recs? This has never happened before I'm scared 😂😂 So, I suppose I should warn you that a lot of these are fantasy. Also, thank you for taking an interest 🥺🥺

This is gonna be loooooong, so continue to read more. Also, all the links are for the Goodreads pages so you could read the blurb and reviews if you're interested. Word of warning though, these are all of my opinions, so if they don't work for you--that's okay. Tastes are fickle :))

Also, if you have any book recommendations for me or want to talk about books, then please feel free to pop in my inbox because I LOVE discussing and getting excited about books.

Books that I've already read:

The School for Good and Evil series by Soman Chainani--there are six books in total (seven if you include the handbook), but this was one I read when I was around 13/14. It's kinda like a fairytale retelling, where there are two schools; one for good and the other evil. It has a lot of references to folktales and discusses the divides between good and evil, girls and boys, and young and old. It's a story about self-discovery and I just love the characters--especially their relationships and dynamics with one another. Netflix is actually making a movie about the first book and it's going to come out sometime in 2022. Hopefully they don't screw it up 😔😔

A Thousand Nights by E. K. Johnson--I know this may not be for everyone, but I love this book. There is a sequel that I haven't gotten around to reading, but this one specifically was one I enjoyed quite a bit. It's like a retelling of the folktale One Thousand and One Nights (commonly known as Arabian Nights) but with more a fantasy twist to it. It's slow-paced, but it has so much meaning behind it. It paints such a beautiful picture in your head with both the imagery but also has a subtle feminist strength to it through its deliberate choice of words and description--not to mention it has a very strong feel to the pre-Islamic Middle East setting as compared to other retellings like The Wrath and the Dawn, which is much more suited to be classed as YA than this (by no means is that derogatory to any of the books, but it's just to explain how they're so different despite being based off the same folktale). Just read it, it's honestly amazing.

The Sin Easter's Daughter series by Melinda Salisbury--Okay, funny story, I actually read the second book, The Sleeping Prince, first by accident. A problem I have with a lot series, is something commonly known as second-book syndrome--as in, I'm not particularly a fan of the second book in a trilogy series. Once I realised my mistake and read the first book, The Sin Eater's Daughter, I found that I wasn't as in love with it as I was the second, so I thought that might've been just because of the way I read it. But when I read the reviews, I realised that a lot of other people thought the same as me despite having read it in order; the second one was more loved than the first. Unfortunately, I haven't read the third book yet, but I feel like The Sleeping Prince was enough to put it on this list. Once again, this is fantasy with tones of the Pied Piper in it, and there is so much more I could say, but again it would be more about the second book than the first so I won't spoil it for ya. But just sayin', if you wanted to read the second book as a stand-alone, you can do since I myself kinda figured out what was going on and filled in the gaps by myself. This is probably because the first and second book follow different characters (and I assume it switches in the third book, but again, I haven't read it).

The Song of Achilles by Madeline Miller--now, this GODSEND of a book is one that I rate highly. It's based off the Iliad (so it's heavy on the Greek mythology), though it follows Patroclus rather than Achilles throughout the whole book. If you don't know anything about the story, then I won't spoil it--just know that I knew the story of the Iliad and was in this state of dread the entire time 'cAUSE THERE'S SO MUCH FORSHADOWING. All I can say is that I love the dynamic between the two guys and the story is so heartbreakingly beautiful. Bless 'em 😔😔 But a friend of mine found the writing a little bit confusing (she still loves it) since you kinda have to read between the lines--it isn't blunt. Also, one word of advise I'd like to give on good stories, and specifically plot twists, is that the shock factor may occur the first time you read it but what makes a good story or plot twist is the way it makes you feel--it should still be positive no matter how many times you re-read it. Shock factor isn't everything, so when I read this there was no shock factor for me (I knew what was going to happen from me previous knowledge) yet this book still kept me gripped onto it. I didn't loose interest--and that's part of the reason why I love it.

Caraval series by Stephanie Garber--I put this on the list because of the progression within the books, despite it being fast-paced. Book one follows one of the two sisters during the Caraval who is accompanied by a guy and the whole description was very magical--kinda alluding to the magic of Legend himself (the Caraval Master). In it, there is mentions of what kind of world it is, but it doesn’t really get explained until book two, which follows the other sister to find out Legend’s real identity for a certain reason that I won’t disclose ‘cause it’s a spoiler. This expands a lot more about how the present came to be as it was and also explains a little more about the background for the major characters. Although I’m in the early chapters of the third book and so can’t really comment on it, all I can say is that so far, it brings the two stories more together than they were before as it switches viewpoints between the sisters; I feel like that’s also why I don’t hate the second book in this trilogy, because the first one seems more like a prequel to set the scene while the second feels like the beginning of the actual story, and the third would be it’s conclusion. Okay, so, fair warning, there is a lot of metaphors which mix senses (for example, describing an action/emotion as a colour/image/taste) and I understand not everyone likes that writing style, which is completely okay; I just happen to like it.

Daughter of the Pirate King series by Tricia Levenseller--the main girl, I feel, is either a love-or-hate character. Personally, I don't particularly mind her, since she's just fun to read. There are parts where she tells you just how awesome she is but can't show you because she would give her act away (she's pretending to be a prisoner on a ship to steel a map) but if it was in any other scenario, I would despise that. I suppose my plus points would be for how she reacts internally to what she's doing, you see the whole process going on in her mind--and it isn't perfect, mind you, but the fact nothing is perfect makes it better. Though I could see why people would think she was annoying or the romance was very fast-paced (I prefer a slow-burn, but I don't mind this either). One thing I will say is that there are two characters (one in particular) that I love the dynamics of. Also, there's pirates. I don't think I need to explain further on that point.

Books I'm in the middle of reading that seem pretty cool so far:

The Cruel Prince by Holly Black--I'm halfway through this book and so far I'm really enjoying it. The dynamic between the main girl and her nemesis is just unlike many enemies-to-lovers I've ever read (including online) because they just hate each other so much. Like, she's not gonna be seduced by him and get into a really toxic relationship where her feelings are being taken advantage of. She's grown into being smart, she's grown into being skilled, she's not a love-struck idiot that makes impulsive, nonsensical choices. There are two more books after this and apparently it gets better and the main characters find some ground to not be toxic (again, not sure since I haven't read it myself). Now, this is probably going to get me a lot of hate, but I'm not a fan of a certain popular YA author who has a very popular book series that involves fae. I find this a much more likeable alternative since the faerie are not humans with superpowers and pointy ears. There is actual description, actual difference between the humans and the fae, different rules they live by, two examples being that humans can't eat fae food otherwise [redacted] and the other being the fae are immortal (the kind that doesn't age, but can be killed). There's consistency in the world building and the characters are not too overpowered--and this itself just set above all the other faerie books I've read thus far.

Lost Boy by Christina Henry--this is a Peter Pan retelling that I'm still in the first half of the book. Not got much to say except for the characters are even at such a point are distinct with each other (I can already tell that Peter Pan is a Psychotic Asshole™). It's very impactful, but be warned, it's dark and violent too. I mean, when I say Peter Pan is a Psychotic Asshole™, I mean it with every fibre of my being. And it is a very good origin story to Captain Hook, who you begin to empathise with quite a bit even early on within the book. I also like a few other books from the same author since she delves quite a bit into dark fantasy and story-retellings which I personally adore, but I feel like this one is a good starting point. Either this, or The Girl in Red which is Red Riding Hood is bi and goes on a murder-spree.

The Archived by V. E. Schwab--I've actually got a couple of this author's books but I decided to put this one on because so far I'm enjoying it so far. The atmosphere of the story is very eerie and it gives beginning-of-a-horror-movie vibes. So far I haven't really gotten into the whole thing with the love interests, but there is some in there. I just really enjoyed the whole worldbuilding, the setting and feel of the story was awesome, the writing was really good, and I love the little anecdotes that are put in between Mac and Da (her grandfather). Though I can see why the switching from tenses would be confusing for some, I just really liked it. Again, not much to say because I haven't gotten too far into the story, but so far, it's pretty great.

Girls of Paper and Fire by Natasha Ngan--oh boy. Now, this book is one I would recommend so far but it needs to be said that it is hard to read. Not because the writing was bad or the plot was crap--no, the writing is really good and the plot is very interesting. It's hard because of the themes that are being addressed within it. I'm not gonna sugar-coat it, it mentions a LOT of sexual harassment, kidnapping, lack-of consent. However, although there are a few books in which this is romanticised, this is definitely NOT one of them. In fact, you feel really bad for the main character and I even felt like taking a break to come to terms with what was being said or described, but this is a story where the main girl does what she can to fight against it. Usually, I skip past the author's notes at the beginning but lucky I read this one because it gave me an understanding of why this was written--the author had been through a similar situation and wanted to raise awareness for any girls currently going through anything remotely close to this situation. It was nice to see that this was something that was being spoken about and I'm so proud of the author for speaking up about her experiences and encouraging others to speak up as well.

Circe by Madeline Miller--if you've already read Song of Achilles and enjoyed it, this was written by the same author and follows a character called Circe. She is actually a side-character from The Odyssey by Homer, so--again--Greek mythology is heavily present in this. I actually haven't gotten around to reading it but I've been promised that this was amazing, and speaks about feminism and females themselves in a world as patriarchal and oppressive as Ancient Greece (let's be honest, they were extremely sexist)

It's Not About the Burqa by various authors, edited by Mariam Khan--this is the only non-fiction book I have on this list because I don't read non-fiction all that much. Reading books, for me, is escaping from reality so reading this genre is going against the main reason I read in the first place. However, that being said, the topic it discusses is very near and dear to my heart as it is part of my identity, who I am as a person. This book, folks, is about Muslim women. It's a compilation of essays written by said women which each tackle different topics regarding Muslim women, ranging from religious dress, representation, mental health, stereotyping, feminism within Islam, expectations, modesty, sexuality, marriage and divorce, and more. One line that instantly hit me was "When was the last time you heard a Muslim woman speak for herself without a filter?" And I realised it was true--that most of the crap I heard about my own people, my fellow Muslim women, are either from men or non-Muslims or (in many cases) both. Reading these really opened my eyes to how we were actually being treated; how our hijabs were being used as a fashion trend rather than a religious observance; how our communities disapprove of behaviours that deviate from what we're expected to be, and the press and state being oppressive and racist towards us. I knew about most of this stuff but it really put into words (quite literally) how severe it is and had made me realise how some of the things I believed were good (like increased representation of Muslims in advertisement for beauty and fashion) were actually only short-term things at face value (like how barely any of the models or designers are actual Muslims and how the hijab, abaya, and other religious clothing were supposed to show how in Islam a woman is not valued by her physical beauty but for her personality, her intelligence, her love for her religion). This in and of itself is a bit of a rant from my part, but I really want people to read this book and understand our voices and our views from our own mouth than through someone else's interpretation off of some half-assed search on the internet. I would seriously recommend people to read it because it is such an important issue to at least try to understand.

There's so many more book that I've heard a lot of praise from that I have but haven't read yet or don't have and am planning to get in the future when my wallet recovers from me recent spending because boy is it HURT. I'll be posting about them

[lesbian-vmin]

Why do you think Vmin are "allowed" these questionable (at least for those who ship them) moments? I find it curious that some things are really pushed to the front (jikook for sure), and then sometime we get the vmin moments and left to wonder are they real or fanservice? I really despise the thought that either Jimin/V/other members are doing this on purpose, because they genuinely seem authentic (as much as a celebrity can be on camera), 1/2

Honestly, the whole moment of Jimin saying that he didn’t keep in touch with his members at all was pretty weird. Jimin, since day one, has painted himself as someone who loves his members very much. He doesn’t want to be away from them for too long, and he seems more interested with collaborating with each one of them individually before moving onto people outside of his group. This might be why we don’t have him collaborating with other artists while Jungkook, Hoseok, Namjoon, and Yoongi have all done so. And of course BTS as a whole. (I don’t think Taehyung and Jin have? But I might be forgetting something) And Jimin has a great voice. There’s no reason anyone wouldn’t want to feature him in a song. So I’m sure there are people who want to collaborate with him, and I imagine he’s gotten offers. (This is relevant to the ask, I promise.) Although language barriers may be a reason (he might not be as comfortable collaborating with people he can’t communicate with well as some of the others are, excluding Namjoon (and maybe Jungkook is getting there) who is better at English.)

So we can look at this several ways. We can take Jimin at his very minimal word and assume that he didn’t communicate with his members at all during his vacation. In which case, I would assume that he took it as a very much needed break from them, and decided to focus on the time that he was able to spend with his family. Or, we can assume that not every word is 100% true. Maybe when he says he didn’t keep in contact, he doesn’t mean that he didn’t keep in contact at all. Maybe he messaged them once in a while to see how they were doing, but didn’t contact them regularly. Maybe he did keep in contact with them, but just wasn’t talking about his vacation. They could have talked about anything under the sun, but since they weren’t sharing vacation details, he may have counted that as not keeping in contact. Because people would question, “mm, if you guys were in contact regularly, why don’t you know details about each other’s vacations?” If they happen to be talking about something, and another member seems to not know the information. He didn’t want to give anyone a reason to question things like that. We can also wonder if he did, in fact, keep in contact with them, but he doesn’t want to share certain things about the members and his personal time. So he just told us that he didn’t stay in contact with them. I don’t know whether to take Jimin at his word for that specific moment, but I also don’t think it matters whether they stayed in contact or not. Even if the members are close and consider each other friends or family, they don’t have to remain in contact at all times. I don’t think it’s weird for friends to go on vacation (say, home for the holidays) and not talk to each other. In fact, it’s the truest friends that can come back after not speaking for a week to months at a time and act like normal (instead of being awkward each other). Act like no time was lost. (At least this is how I see it because it’s how I am with my friends. I don’t typically keep in regular contact with people who aren’t physically around me [I don’t text much, so unless someone like talking on the phone or video chatting, we probably wouldn’t stay in contact while apart] because I like to enjoy the company of those I am actually with. This might have been the case for them. It doesn’t mean they aren’t close or don’t care about each other.)

Disclaimer. This post may talk about topics that could offend easily offended people. If you are easily offended. Don’t read. You have been warned. Also I talk a lot about both Jikook and Vmin in here. Skip to the Vmin part if (for whatever reason) you don’t want to read about Jikook. But I’d rather you really read the whole post because this goes beyond shipping and focuses on them as people.

JIKOOK

The way Jikook is pushed to the front to me is actually one of the things that make me feel like they are fan service a lot of the times. (I’m not saying anything bad about Jikook because it’s pretty obvious that Jimin and Jungkook both adore each other and love being around each other, but they really are pushed quite hard and obviously.) I don’t know why that is. I don’t know the company’s reason behind pushing Jikook so hard, but I have at least one idea as to why they would do so (if they aren’t a couple). Because Jungkook is the “manliest” member of the group, and Jimin is the most “feminine.” You have Jungkook who is tall, broad, and strong. Then there’s Jimin who is small and cute, and he doesn’t try so hard to be manly these days. (I felt like he tried to present himself like a strong man in early debut because he didn’t want people to view him as the smallest and weakest member of the group, but it’s pretty clear that he became more confident in who he actually is over the years. And this is not a hint toward any gender-identity because I’m a firm believer that a man doesn’t have to fit the “masculine” spectrum to identify as a man. I feel like that’s leaning toward toxic masculinity).

Anyway, focusing on the Jikook thing, I think that’s why they get pushed forward a lot. And I hate to say that about Big Hit because it’s a bold statement to make, but it makes sense. They can easily look like a couple because it’s easy for people to imagine Jungkook as the “man” and Jimin as the “woman.” Since there are many shippers who ship for fetish reasons instead of gay right reason, these kinds of ships are likely to draw people in. It’s unfortunate, but it’s also true. Because of heteronormative culture.

The big moments between Jikook, like I said, often look like fan service to me. That being said, I’m not saying all of their moments are fan service. It just looks like interactions between them are more likely to be focused on during editing because of the reasons I’ve stated above. It might be something they aren’t aware of because it’s just editing their natural interactions to be the front and center focus of productions, but I think that’s what’s happening. And it kind of makes me feel bad for them because it’s like the company is making a show of their relationship (regardless of what kind it is). Even if they are in a real romantic relationship, I can assure that’s not why they are pushed to the center, and it’s far more likely it’s for marketing purposes. So, yes. I hate it for them, even if they are in a relationship together because it could be the company saying “look at these two. Aren’t they precious?” But it feels more like “Look at these two. Don’t they look like a “real” couple between a boy and a girl because Jungkook is oh so strong and Jimin is oh so dainty?” Even if Big Hit is LGBT friendly, it doens’t mean that they can’t do/say homophobic things (even unintentionally) or that they can’t market BTS for a heteronormative culture, and a culture that fetishizes gay people or uses being gay for entertainment. (Edit: and fantasizing.) I’m not saying it’s right for them to do so, because I don’t agree with it at all. And I’d hope that’s not the reality of it (because I really want for Big Hit to be different), but it seems like it sometimes.

Now before I get into the Vmin part, I’m going to share a disclaimer. Because I hope people don’t come at me after I’ve already admitted that it’s pretty obvious that Jikook are close and love each other. I’ve mentioned a potential romantic relationship between them, so I’m not dismissing them as the “real” couple (and I’m also, ffs, not saying there is a “real” couple between the two). I adore Jikook, and I wouldn’t even be sad if they were ever confirmed. So. Keep that in mind for this next part.

VMIN

I don’t want this to turn into a post of me comparing Jikook and Vmin, and I decided to answer this ask because I was sure that I could answer it with that intention in mind. So let’s see if I can do this right.

When it comes to Vmin, I feel like there are far less moments that can be chalked up to fan service. There are clear moments that are fan service, so I’m not saying Vmin don’t participate in that at all, but it seems like they do less than Jikook. (And I know this is a comparison right here, but I hope it doesn’t get taken the wrong way but) When Jikook does fan service, it’s so seemless and natural. When it comes to Vmin, it’s sometimes a little awkward, and they’re more shy. I don’t know what that means for the two different types of relationships, but I’m not getting into that (because then it becomes comparing the two in a way I don’t want to on this blog).

I think Big Hit chooses Vmin friendship moments to focus on because they know that people love their “platonic soulmate” dynamics. But, when it comes to “shippy” moments, these aren’t pushed forward as much. Because Taehyung isn’t broad and manly like Jungkook, so it probably seems a little too gay. And that’s not okay. It doesn’t sell as well as a couple that can be imagined as heterosexual. (And I also think this is why Jikook is the bigger ship, honestly.)

That’s it, and I know I didn’t address everything in this ask. And I’m sorry for that. But I tried to focus on what (I think) was the main point. And I wanted to make it about something very real rather than about ships.

So while I did, in fact, compare the two, I’m not comparing their “realness” or anything like that. I’m comparing their marketing value because I think that’s what it boils down to when we get to see what we see. And if anyone comes at me for my comparison on a personal shipping level, you will be ignored because that’s not what this is about. And if you can’t get that from what I’ve said thus far, then you aren’t reading my words and heart correctly.

I do want to talk really quickly about them faking it, and I’m going to focus on Vmin for this because it’s a Vmin blog. I don’t think they fake it. Because some moments are so subtle that they’re clearly trying to be hidden, and some are so natural that they clearly weren’t thinking about it too much. That aside, I don’t think they would fake their close bond. When Jimin wrote a song and was told that he would sing it with Taehyung, he didn’t have to make Friends. He could have made the song about anything he wanted, and we would have taken it with just as much enthusiasm. It was his choice to make friends, and I believe he put his heart into that song. Since it was the first song he ever had part in for an album, it’d be pretty disrespectful to claim that he’s just trying to save face or not being honest in it. And I know a song could be chalked up to how well it sells, but I think that’s for the company to worry about, but as an artist myself, I know that your heart and soul goes into anything you create. And I just don’t feel right about blatantly disregarding a personal song, so yes. It’s one of my main arguments why Vmin are obviously, honestly, close and care about each other. And I will stand by that forever.

EDIT: All right. I went through this post and personally cherry picked the things I wanted you guys to focus on when reading instead of you doing it yourself. Because you’re hung up about the fact that I mentioned that Jikook has fan severice moments (even though I said the same thing about Vmin), so you’re clearly cherry picking, not reading the whole damn post, or getting hung about the fan service instead of focusing on my main fucking point. I NEVER said they weren’t close. In fact, I took the TIME to put a DISCLAIMER stating that it’s PRETTY OBVIOUS that they’re close, and that they genuinely like spending time together. I get that I said “Vmin has less fan service moments” or whatever. Let me clarify: What I meant was that it’s the EDITING and the fact that they FOCUS SO HARD on jikook that makes a lot of their moments feel like fan service. There’s no shortage of Jikook moments, and it’s NOT because Jikook are the only ones with moments, it’s because they’re the ones that make the cut most often. And I stated the reasons why I think that is. I literally even explained the thing about the editing and said, “It might be something they aren’t aware of because it’s just editing their natural interactions to be the front and center focus of productions,” but sure. Dismiss whichever statements you want. Because clearly you get to decide what I mean instead of me. Also, “So, yes. I hate it for them, even if they are in a relationship together because it could be the company saying “look at these two. Aren’t they precious?” But it feels more like “Look at these two. Don’t they look like a “real” couple between a boy and a girl”

And, in case it’s not clear from how I talked about their relationship here, I am, in fact, a Jikook shipper, too. I stated at least TWICE in here that I wasn’t trying to dismiss the realness of them. And I talked about how shitty it is for the company to use their relationship (if real) for marketing. And unless they’re ever confirmed, that’s what they’re doing. It’s marketing. Because if the company wanted people to care about their real relationship, they would let them come out. And that is NOT me dismissing the fact that they could be in a real relationship. If you can’t tell from what I’ve just written right here, I’ll clarify by repeating what I’ve already said in the post. Because if the are in a real relationship, I can guarantee you that is not why they get pushed so hard or shown the most. It’s because their masculine/feminine vibes are marketable. There are Jikookers, LIKE ME, who ship them because they like Jikook. But you can’t deny that there are a lot of Jikookers who ship them because they’re a straight girl in love with Jungkook and imagine herself in Jimin’s place because it’s easy to see. If you are one of the real Jikookers that ship them for their actual relationship and would LOVE it if they were ever confirmed, then fine. That’s not about you. But you have to admit that there are a LOT of shippers out there (not just Jikook) that ship them with guys because they don’t want them to end up with another girl that’s not the fan doing the shipping. Yet they still would be upset if they were ever confirmed because then it means they’re actually gay.

I love Jikook, and this post wasn’t intended to dismiss their relationship or bring it down. And I’d say I’m sorry if that’s the impression you got from it, but if you’d actually read and not choose which parts to focus on, you wouldn’t have gotten that impression. I just hate it that you guys got that impression because I do genuinely like Jikook. As much as Vmin, honestly. I was focusing on how the company treats the two ships, but sure. Dismiss every time I’ve drawn the post back to that point.