#they’re charging him over $2000 just for that

[rosicheeks]

😔

[meret118]

In 2008, a software developer in San Francisco named Curtis Yarvin, writing under a pseudonym, proposed a horrific solution for people he deemed “not productive”: “convert them into biodiesel, which can help power the Muni buses.”

Yarvin, a self-described reactionary and extremist who was 35 years old at the time, clarified that he was “just kidding.” But then he continued, “The trouble with the biodiesel solution is that no one would want to live in a city whose public transportation was fueled, even just partly, by the distilled remains of its late underclass. However, it helps us describe the problem we are trying to solve. Our goal, in short, is a humane alternative to genocide.”

He then concluded that the “best humane alternative to genocide” is to “virtualize” these people: Imprison them in “permanent solitary confinement” where, to avoid making them insane, they would be connected to an “immersive virtual-reality interface” so they could “experience a rich, fulfilling life in a completely imaginary world.”

Yarvin’s disturbing manifestos have earned him influential followers, chief among them: tech billionaire Peter Thiel and his onetime Silicon Valley protégé Senator J.D. Vance, whom the Republican Party just nominated to be Donald Trump’s vice president. If Trump wins the election, there is little doubt that Vance will bring Yarvin’s twisted techno-authoritarianism to the White House, and one can imagine—with horror—what a receptive would-be autocrat like Trump might do with those ideas.

Way back in 2012, in a speech on “How to Reboot the US Government,” he said, “If Americans want to change their government, they’re going to have to get over their dictator phobia.” He had also written favorably of slavery and white nationalists in the late 2000s (though he has stated that he is not a white nationalist himself).

Both Thiel and Vance are friends of Yarvin.

. . .

In 2016, Yarvin attended Thiel’s election night party in San Francisco where, according to Chafkin, champagne flowed once it became clear that Thiel’s investment in Donald Trump would pay off.

Since entering politics, Vance has publicly praised—and parroted—Yarvin’s ideas. 

. . .

When Vance ran for U.S. Senate in 2022, Thiel spent an unprecedented $15 million on the campaign and persuaded Trump to endorse him (Vance had previously compared Trump to Hitler). In 2024, Thiel led the charge to convince Trump to pick Vance as V.P.

. . .

Yarvin is the chief thinker behind an obscure but increasingly influential far-right neoreaction, or NRx, movement, that some call the “Dark Enlightenment.” Among other things, it openly promotes dictatorships as superior to democracies and views nations like the United States as outdated software systems. Yarvin seeks to reengineer governments by breaking them up into smaller entities called “patchworks,” which would be controlled by tech corporations.

More at the link.

------

Are you fucking kidding me?!! Why isn't this leading every news report? Is this well known, and I somehow just missed knowing about this yarvin sociopath? This needs to be exposed like project 2050 is!

It's like republicans are deliberately trying to see if they can find someone worse to put in the oval office each time - nixon, reagan, dumbya, trump, and eventually vance.

[misty-235]

Headcannons for the cenobites going on a road trip T-T

This is just pure silliness on my part lol

TW: a bit of violence (they’re cenobites, when are they ever not violent?), road rage, mentions of swearing

Butterball:

-In the back seat behind the Hell Priest.

-Falls asleep as soon as the car starts, snoring really loudly and drooling.

-Occasionally wakes up to demand snacks or tell Chatterer off for making a racket.

-Sleeps through all the traffic and other shenanigans.

-Pretty chill overall.

Chatterer:

-In the back seat behind Female.

-“ArE wE tHeRe YeT?”

-Constantly changes the music to terrible 2000s pop and tries to get everybody to sing along, then makes a scene when somebody changes it back.

-Eats all the snacks within five minutes of leaving, gets car sick and pukes on the side of the road.

-Yells (or chatters?) “COWS!!!” Each time he sees cows, so loudly that everybody else cringes.

-Wants to play I- spy until everyone is so tired they tell him to shut up. Carries on playing by himself even when nobody else is interested.

-Constantly says needs to use the bathroom, so wants to stop at every gas station.

-Pokes and chatters at Butterball until he wakes up, and keeps kicking the back of the seat in-front of him until Female gives him a death stare.

-Insists on packing literally all of his stuff for the trip, filling up the car’s trunk with all of his accumulated useless trash that has no relevance to the purpose of the trip.

Female:

-In the front passenger’s seat.

-In charge of navigation, but quickly gets lost, as she’s reading the map upside down.

-Encourages the Hell Priest to drive faster every chance she gets.

-Has terrible road rage, flips people off seemingly for no reason, and rolls down the window to scream profanities at anybody passing by.

-Wants to listen to death metal on full volume, and bickers with Chatterer over the stereo.

-“It’s the police! GO FASTER!!!”

-Somehow gets her hands on some vodka, and gets absolutely hammered. Tries and fails to make a molotov cocktail to throw at some guy who honked at them. Eventually gets car sick and vomits, then pretends it never happened.

-Luckily she falls asleep about five hours in.

The Hell Priest/ Pinhead:

-The one driving.

-Wants to listen to soothing opera music, but nobody gives him a chance to play it.

-Drives exactly on the speed limit despite Female constantly nagging him to go faster.

-Keeps telling Chatterer to shut up when he annoys Female and Butterball, but nobody listens to him.

-Gives other drivers dirty looks when they overtake him, and starts muttering about wanting to flay them alive. Occasionally honks and gesticulates angrily if somebody does something really dodgy on the road.

-Complains about the traffic constantly, shaking his head like it is a personal affront to him that there is “insufficient infrastructure.”

-Secretly really wants those gummy worms Chatterer keeps eating, but doesn’t want to appear undignified by asking for one, although it pains him to see somebody else take all the snacks.

-Claims the car “doesn’t need more gas” and that they can easily make it with half a tank. The car soon stops in the middle of nowhere, in the dark, and has to be towed.

-He’s suffering, but not in the way he likes.

[calkale]

Younger icemav headcanons

older icemav headcanons here

Another timeline before i get into it ✌️ they met at top gun obvi and hooked up after the layton rescue, mav went back to top gun (for 3 months) but still kept in touch with ice, mav finally confessed years later it was like 1995-2000, they went through a bit of a rough patch after that but they did make up and started their relationship, mav became a test pilot in 2006 and ice stopped flying around then too

-Ice has a tramp stamp, this one is not up for debate this is real val kilmer told me, he got it in like 1984 but imagine that sexy old man with a tramp stamp hello

-mav thinks the tramp stamp is really hot but he does make fun of it

-the biting thing ice did in the locker room awakened something in mav, that was when he realized just how much he wanted ice

-one time when mav got deployed for like a year ice didnt bleach his hair and let his natural colour (medium to light brown) grow out and when mav came back he was so shocked, he dyed his hair again years later but they both agreed ices natural hair suited him more now

-mav drinks instant coffee and ice hates it

-Ice smells like coconut, this ones kinda canon cause of the shaving cream or whatever in his locker. He has coconut shampoo and conditioner too he takes such good care of his hair and forced mav to do the same, he figured out mass hair type and picked the perfect shampoo and conditioner for him

-mav was the one who confessed, he couldn’t take just hooking up and being that weird line between friendship and relationship anymore he needed to tell ice how he felt, ice was terrified but he did want to be with mav and he told him that, mav didn’t understand immediately, they got in an argument about it and after slider came and talked to mav, he overheard most of it and he knew how much ice liked (loved) mav so he had to do something. He had watched their whole relationship and listened to ice go on and on about mav for years and didn’t want it to end just because ice couldn’t talk about something. He knew it probably wasn’t his place to tell mav about ices past but if ice hadn’t told mav by now he probably never would, mav was stubborn and it did take about a month to really rebuild what they had but they agreed to give an actual relationship a try

-before carole died she told ice she hopped there would be a day they could get married, she was one of the few people who knew about their relationship and really wanted the best for them, ice never told mav she said that until their wedding day

-they look after bradley all the time, they pick him up from school, take him out for ice cream, take him to the beach and he loves it, one day when they were picking him up from school he told his friend that his dad and pops were here and ice and mav almost cried right there

-they share clothes, mav steals ices shirts and sweaters and theyre too big for him but he loves it cause it feels like a hug and smells like ice, ice also wears mavs shirts and theyre way too small on him theyre so tight but that doesnt stop him and it shows off his muscles so

-mav loves being called cute or pretty, hes so used to people just calling him hot or sexy (which he is) but the first time ice called him cute he blushed so hard

Nsfw under the cut

Nsfw

-they’ll fuck anywhere, usually its when they’re both drunk and horny and looking for a place to do it but it happens when theyre sober too

-mav is the one who gets fucked, he tried fucking ice once or twice but neither of them really liked it, mav takes control sometimes but its rare, ice likes being in charge especially in the bedroom

-ice loves to edge mav, he always wants to see how far he can go and loves to hear mav beg

-he also loves to overstimulate mav

-mav definitely has a think for ranks (so does ice but hes less likely to admit it), mav calls ice admiral in bed and they roleplay, every time ice goes up a rank mav makes such a big deal over it

-ice loves to make mav watch, he’ll fuck him in front of mirrors and hold his head so he cant look away or he’ll tie mavs hands behind his back on a chair then lay on the bed and get himself off, he knows mav loves it just as much as he does

-he also likes to make mav get off by himself, he’ll make him rub on his thigh or finger himself, this is usually a little reward after he’s been a brat all day because he doesn’t deserves ices dick but he does deserve to come

-ice loves when mav wears panties, he’ll wear them all day and sometimes he’ll show ice in the morning so every time they see each other throughout the day ice knows or he’ll keep it a secret until ice undresses him

-mav also loves dressing up for ice, he likes wearing girly stuff like short skirts, short shorts, little dresses, lingerie but also those jeans he always wears that make his ass look amazing he knows those drive ice wild (those r the only type of jeans he owns), he likes wearing suits too or his dress whites ice thinks he looks so cute when hes all fancy

-yes they keep the skirts and dresses on when they fuck

-mav loves ices mouth on him, his mouth, his tits, his dick, his ass, anywhere, he loves when he marks him up too he loves seeing the bite marks and hickeys ice leaves

-theyve had threesomes with slider before, not a lot they prefer when its just them but ice wanted to see slider fuck mav because of their size difference

-mav loves how much ice talks during sex, ice loves to praise mav or call him a brat and put him in his place, he loves telling mav what hes gonna do to him or what hes doing as hes doing it

[kmze]

Thoughts on 5x01 - 5x11 again SO MUCH FUN watching this half season. Does the plot make sense? Not really. Was it a compelling storyline? Not so much. Did I laugh a lot? YOU BETCHA! The thing with this season (at least this half) is you cannot take it seriously, it is the most this show has ever been "meta" because this was just episode after episode of laughing at the Triangle of Doom. I would say DE got it the worse but even SE got hits against it too. Stefan was mocked by having amnesia Stefan point out all his worst qualities. Damon was mocked relentlessly via his insecurity. Elena was mocked by being the flip flopper that she is. It was beautiful. Silas and Tessa were great as scorned lovers/enemies and I truly enjoyed the doppelgänger shenanigans. Amnesia Stefan you will always be famous! Of course there's bad stuff, like Bonnie's storyline and Jesse's treatment and sadly that's not surprising because Dries (racist) was in charge. I touch on all of this below!

5x01

LMFAO at Elena’s little shimmy

Damon is such a moron that is obviously not Stefan, when would Stefan ever say “Chateau Salvatore” thank god Jeremy could tell. Katherine too like when has Stefan EVER blatantly flirted with her like that, but Katherine was just thinking with her downstairs brain I understand.

Poor Caroline, but at least Jesse is smoking hot.

Random observation: last season the beginning of the season did not look like it was filmed in the summer like every other season and I've always kind of wondered why that is. I think I read somewhere that they continued filming the beginning of S4 when S3 ended and that's why you never get the summer attire in S4 like we do here again in S5.

5x02

Elena coughing up blood/water after kissing Stefan keeps happening and it’s so mean LMFAO

CRYING at the camera angle and lighting of “Stefan” seeing Elena and her getting all googly-eyed at him and then hanging up on Damon. Serves him right for not telling her! Silas causing problems with Delena almost instantly, amazing no notes.

Katherine shooting Silas YAS QUEEN

This scene LMFAO!!! The fact that they made thinking about Stefan be the thing that stops Elena from trying to kill Damon is just a hilariously mean thing to do to Damon!

Caroline’s face seeing Damon and Elena in what looks like some weird sex thing DEAD.

Paul does a good job of differentiating Silas from Ripper Stefan. They’re both evil of course but Silas has more calmness to him and more quips whereas Ripper Stefan is chaotic and mocking.

Lexi changed clothes on the other side so why can’t Bonnie!

5x03

Katherine and Silas are having way too much fun making Damon feel insecure about Stelena and I truly love it!

Stefan saying he didn’t want to turn his humanity off so he could be himself when he murdered Silas. Classic Stefan! Revenge is his biggest motivation in life I swear.

The doppelgänger curse (aka creating shadow selves every 100-ish years because of Silas and Amara) is good mythology, I thought it was a good reason to explain the existence of doppelgängers. But I also think it hurt some of the special-ness that Stelena had because it cheapens the fate part about it (and that’s before we find out it’s a literal spell pulling them together). Tessa saying she watched versions of S&E fall in love over and over the last 2000 years makes it feel like it’s predetermined destiny, which is a weakness against a ship IMO. It actually gives more power to Delena because having a love that conquers destiny is a great trope. I'm not even sure the writers meant to make this hurt SE at first because I don't think they like DE either. I know Dries was the showrunner this season and it's hard to understand what she likes when it comes to the triangle (her fav is Katherine that's all I understand about her). Everyone always thinks it's DE but LOL the person who wrote this season does NOT like DE I assure you. It would make sense she'd think this storyline is strong for SE on paper, but in tone it's not. It's like she cut her nose despite her face.

Delena being described by Tessa "like a soap opera, but boring and with no volume control" best description ever!

Silas saying his doppelgänger's face makes him wanna vomit THEY JUST KEEP GOING!

I like that they almost made you believe Damon was going to leave Stefan there lol, but even Damon isn't that selfish.

This season is just one big kinda mean commentary on the show and I love it LMFAO. I can see why it’s hated because it’s not really an intriguing plot as far as forward movement (I mean Silas' motivation is to die). But I'd be lying if I said the way it’s being used to mock and almost break the fourth wall isn't giving me so much joy. I guess I’d describe it as camp? Like Silas said messy but fun to watch.

5x04

Am!Stefan not remembering Elena’s name and the look on her face ADXSFXGGGKKHK (this episode makes me so incredibly petty)!

Again, Damon worst sober sponsor ever.

I’m sorry but Elena is cracking me up the way she is GLOWING at making Am!Stefan remember when he bumped into her. The way she spreads her fingers over his chest DEAD! Her excitement at molding her Stefan back together with only the pieces she wants... I have never seen her more alive!

"Whenever someone tells me I can’t do something I prove them wrong" her life’s motto!!!

Am!Stefan being like “I need time to process that I let my girlfriend drown” I KNOW RIGHT? It’s so crazy isn’t it you’re just like flabbergasted.

Sometimes this show just hits my narrative and this episode is it baby! Am!Stefan knowing Caroline’s full name (unlike Elena), that she’s his best friend and BLATANTLY flirting with her saying she’s much hotter in person (the way he totally checks her out a few times too) THAT'S THE STUFF. Then you’ve got Caroline being the only one who actually stops the ripper because she reminds Stefan who HE is, not who she is (because just to point out again she didn't have to because he studied her pictures and knew her instantly!!!) Damon and Elena on the other hand keep telling him who they are (which is a bunch of liars) and that’s why Stefan trusts her and not them. Their scene in the crypt is so nice too, it's one of the first times they get a scene like this with the hand holding, the comforting emphasis, and a beautiful shot on the bench. Plus Am!Stefan staring at Caroline's lips *swoon* you can really tell he has a crush on Caroline.

This Bonnie memorial is so infuriating I can't believe this Bonnie is dead for 8(!!!) episodes was a plot.

5x05

This shows racism towards black characters is really disgusting the more you become aware of it. I swear everytime a character is cast that’s going to get tortured or brutally murdered they are always black. Luka, Jonah, Aja, Connor and now Jesse. There’s no way it was a coincidence.

Nina’s physical comedy as human Katherine is just perfect!

The costumes Caroline picked ARE KILLING ME! First having her and Tyler as Bonnie and Clyde because they almost ran away together (and perhaps a part of her knows they’re doomed like B&C). Having Damon and Elena as Henry VIII and Anne Boleyn because she hates Damon and thinks he’s so bad for Elena he’ll get her head chopped off LMFAO. And then Stefan as JAMES FRIGGIN' DEAN can’t make this up, I know I keep saying this but amazing, no notes.

CTFU at Am!Stefan TOTALLY IGNORING Tyler when he asks Caroline to dance with him, like even with amnesia he knows he doesn’t fuck with Tyler. Am!Stefan’s face when he twirls her HE IS SO SMITTEN (and so is she if we’re being honest), James Dean daydream look indeed.

EL OH EL Silas trying to get Tessa to admit that she’s still in love with him. Honestly Silas your doppelgänger is way better at this, Stefan would have gotten that confession no sweat.

Poor Forwood but honestly I do think this makes sense and neither of them is really wrong, they are both acting like themselves. It makes sense Tyler can't just let Klaus walk away after what he did, and he especially can't deal with Klaus giving him permission to be with Caroline. Caroline on the other hand wants to move forward with her life and as far as she's concerned Klaus is out of sight out of mind. Caroline's also not a big revenge person, I don't think she's ever cared enough to enact revenge on someone (with humanity of course).

Amnesia or not Stefan will always be smarter than Damon.

5x06

For my own sanity I’m not even gonna pay attention to scenes talking about the cure and how it works because I’m STILL not over that bullshit in S8.

Silas again being the audience surrogate and pointing out how SUPER WEIRD it is that Defan keep falling in love with THE SAME FACE!

KATHOLINE TEAM-UP!! You know Caroline enjoyed slamming her against the wall after Katherine used her as her lackey in S2.

Crazy bitch kinda is Stefan’s type ASASCDHGHKKHH

God I love the Katholine team-up.

KATHERINE’S CHURCH HAIR!! I’m not even kidding I have tears in my eyes. This is the BEST! Omg Aaron is so much more smitten with Katherine than Elena, but like she’s absolutely adorable how could you not be!

Am!Stefan being like "I didn't think you deserved to be killed" translating to "I will always protect you Elena, memories or not" is an impressive delulu journey Elena has decided to take. She was acting like he was dead because he wanted to talk to Caroline and not her! Elena he has amnesia, he doesn't have the script anymore for the persona he's supposed to be performing.

Tessa was trying to do God’s work too getting Stefan to let go of Damon but he never learns!

5x07

Elena get out of your ex-boyfriend's bedroom JFC she’s so desperate.

Tessa kinda the best vindictive bitch ever! Janina Gavankar is also a beautiful and stunning woman who is just a pleasure to look at. But why was she so cold to Bonnie? Dries again I'm sure...

THANK GOD BONNIE IS ALIVE AGAIN!

Elena's thought process about this speech she gives Stefan is something else... I just don't know what kind of delusional narcissist you have to be to think this was a good way to ask if someone is okay. Stefan absolutely looks done with her too lol. This is the season where Stefan's facade from the earlier season really starts to come down. He doesn't want to be the person in his journals anymore.

5x08

FINALLY THAT HIDEOUS WIG IS GONE!

Oh look! Stefan not telling anyone he needs help, something new and different for him! /sarcasm

Matty Blue-Blue might be my favorite nickname ever used on this show and there’s a lot so that’s saying something!

I love how much Caroline embraced being a teacher for baby vamps! Makes her endgame even better!

Caroline is right why couldn’t Elena just snap his neck or just not stab him in the heart stab his back shoulder.

One thing about Stefan he has never seen a crazy bitch in danger that he didn’t want to save. I do really enjoy Steferine with human Katherine because it gave all the power to Stefan since she can’t physically hurt him anymore. It’s kind of like the scene in the series finale where Caroline comforts human Damon because he can’t hurt her anymore and she doesn't need to be afraid.

They really had to interrupt Bonnie’s first SEX SCENE EVER IN 5 FUCKING YEARS so she could scream in agony because the show killed another black character. Dries you will never see heaven!

Gee I don’t know Elena when is someone supposed to get over the fact that they were abused and raped by your fucking boyfriend. And you laughed about it with him! Never? I’m gonna go with never. And yes I realize it’s a bit hypocritical to enjoy Steferine and hate Daroline when they both have the same consent and rape issues. I fully admit Katherine is a rapist too. Stefan might be over it, Caroline is not and that's what matters to me.

5x09

I like that Katherine knew to ask Caroline for help knowing the other morons would be no good.

I know the answer is “plot reasons” but how did Damon not immediately recognize Whitmore when Elena started going to college there or even last year when he visited it?

Enzo… yeah *falls asleep*

Not to defend Stefan because I still think he’s an idiot for not seeing that Caroline had feelings for him. But he hears this whole conversation Caroline and Katherine are having where Katherine asks if they’ve slept together and Caroline is appalled like no absolutely not we are friends and I’m just saying! It makes sense why he never thought she did with scenes like this. Mostly because Stefan compartmentalizes people but that’s a topic for later this season. Katherine though bless her heart is not blind and can obviously tell these two feel a tingle for each other.

Not sure how intentional this was but I like the parallel back to the scene in 5x07 where Stefan said when the safe opened he wanted Damon and Elena to be the ones he saw. And now that he went back into the safe to get over his PTSD from that (and their betrayal) the person he sees when the safe opens up is Caroline.

5x10

Katherine’s exhilaration at sleeping with Stefan CTFU I can’t help it, she’s too much!

I love how little Elena is wearing essential what S1/2 Elena used to wear.

Feels like they just implied Grayson was testing if vampire blood could cure cancer. Would have been good to check on that next season folks!

Stefan starting off on the wrong foot with Enzo already LMFAO

Anytime they try and make Matt more relevant to a plot I instantly zone out from that plot. Case in point, I have no idea what is going on with the passengers and travelers and all I really know about Nadia is she’s Katherine’s daughter.

OMG Elena torched her Dad’s experiments! Important information what are you doing!?! I guess that’s why they don’t check next season.

5x11

Caroline throwing a breakup breakfast because Delena broke up is why she is my favorite character ever!

Stefan is so sanctimonious lol.

I like how they reminded me how awful Klaus is with the Katherine flashback before he has sex with Caroline. This show.

OMG Damon is insufferable! First his list of evil things Katherine did are all things HE did and now he's just torturing her because he's mad he broke up with Elena??? Can we just put him in the '94 prison world now I need him gone.

Stefan really switched from heartbroken to team Delena in like 3 episodes lol. I get it was the PTSD and we gotta speed stuff up but it did not take long. Another moment of "what are people talking about on Reddit" because they are always like "it took Stefan so long to move on from Elena" IT TOOK 3 EPISODES!

It's kind of amazing how many parallels and mirroring storylines Stefan and Caroline get with each other (these gifsets illustrate it well (x) (x)) but I really like how Steferine and Klaroline are used similarly for Stefan and Caroline in their journeys (these gifsets are great (x) (x)) and this season shows that a lot. Klaus and Katherine were both looking for love confessions from Caroline and Stefan respectively and while they sleep with their admirer/abuser they don't give them a love confession in return (because they don't love them). There's even the Klefan and Katholine connection as they are both used as their lackeys (Stefan in S3 and Caroline in S2) but then they also have a kind of understanding with each other. They both show pity for Katherine in this episode and they both felt remorse for betraying Klaus in 4x09. If this had actually been Katherine's death it was similar the Klaroline's ending on TO, with Caroline giving Klaus the date in NOLA and kissing him goodbye. Stefan sleeps with Katherine after she helped him through his PTSD, then he gives her peace with the memory before she dies (he thinks). Too bad the show had to RUIN that!

Look Stefan has his flaws (manipulative, enables Damon, can be a dick, serial killer) but one thing I love about him is he has a willingness to forgive the unforgivable. He didn't have to give Katherine peace after everything she had done but he did. I think it does come from a place of he believes everyone can be saved because he wants to believe he can be saved, but I also think he has a lot of empathy (at least for women).

The Katherine twist was great I will give them that, she's a survivor!

Lines that made me laugh:

Am!Stefan: I think I still need to be drunk to understand this story (REAL I chose edibles instead but YMMV)

Katherine: So are you part of the secret society? You know the "Society" (SHE KILLS ME)

Tyler: You're the hottest serial killer here (LMFAO the levels to this line are what makes me laugh the most)

[vivianbernadetteaurora]

What do these three people have in common? Well their birth charts to start out a very similar and they have all had very similar kind of accusations truth and also being able to brush it off at the same time. I have start with Wendy Williams who notoriously worked in I guess the 80s and the nineties to become radio host and almost like a gossip blind item of the original of what people are doing now and people dislike her but they’re all doing the same thing, she worked really notoriously and her and was often at times. The only woman and probably had a lot of and did have a lot of discrimination and black. She was the middle child children when she was younger she was overweight and her parents were very nasty to her about it actually all of these people have this in common as well, that he said he was a fat little fucker when he was younger and Courtney was not fat but chubby people who were not cause I don’t agree with the whole thing of medium because that’s what caused my own differently to what I was anyway so they had similar child all born in 1964 I believe They had people. I’m not too sure about this. She says she’s had money taken away from her and embezzled and from the Kurt Cobain estate but she was very unwell in the early 2000 Tyson had it he had it with Robin givens,his mum who wanted to really see the relationship like a lot of Hollywood relationships as a agreement and a More kind of relationship if you know you know he was very real for not wanting that and then he had the charges of rape against him which he won’t prison for which a lot of people has persecuted the victim which I think is disgusting. I’ve seen an into the victim and I believer, but what am I getting to in this? This, what I’m getting to all these three people have very redeemable characters and they have redeemed themselves in many ways Courtney with drugs and sort of now emigrating to England if that’s alright living in London now and not being in the spotlight so much where is before she lived for it I think all three of them dead Wendy Williams that’s a whole Nother topic really because I think she Has had an MK2 kind of situation where they have wanted her to shut up she was the original of what did he was doing in fact one of her last interviews on her show was with him meant to be making up on it and seven so they have the modalities cardinal fixed and mutable all evenly distributed in the chart which is good because you don’t sometimes want too much of one and not of the others so that brings me to all three of them are cancers with the Sun in cancer they all have Leo Mercury so they always think they’re right when they’re not.

They always have to be a bad person to have to say and that can be the part of people putting the people not liking them so much because mercury does not like to be in Leo, it’s not a good time for Leo basically or plan to be in because it’s first attitude with words which is partly what makes them so excellent at what they do especially and in the fact of the business is there but you can also make you dislikeable because you won’t anyone else approach we have the fact that they all are Gemini Mars and Venus which is a trait I said in a chart I I’m really charming when Venus and Mars are in the same. You’re gonna get somebody who is very good at fitting in social they might have a problem with boys definitely have a problem with balancing out their masculine and feminine inside and it could be pleasure versus pain a lot and you can see that just by looking at these people

and what they have gone through in Life, the whole accusations Courtney had and still does to this day over Kurt death things are going on and supposedly stealing money off her and not being able to have access to it while looking really unwell as I said previously embezzling Tyson and him but these people matured as a man Tyson has able to redeem himself in a lot of ways they all have lived really many lives. They’ve all had drug problems too and they’ve all just done out their things because of the similar to their chart. I do not no Tyson rising sign to me he could be a cancer rising but he could also be a tourist rising even arising because of the boxing so it’s hard obviously with the data they put on birth choice so you don’t know even a chart with an AA rating Rod and rating he can’t always tell so I tried to carefully celebrities and tried to talk about their Mars and Venus signs, and maybe not even that moonshine because we don’t know because I still think Beyoncé could be a Leo. Everyone thinks she’s a libra rising I don’t believe. so Courtney with her labouring that’s all the looks and how she’s a bit obsessed with looks and mentions it a lot in herself and others that can be the shallowest but it can also be that Gemini side with the gift of the gab and the fact that she did this song about the dress with her and cat For this dress and it became a massive thing , when is an Aquarius rising of course makes so much sense to me alien like big big boobs over the top boobs kind of like Nicki Minaj it’s very funny because they’re in that sense of having that Aquarius first house as well. You do get a lot of Carians that are too, although I think this isn’t talked about much but yeah, this is why I think these personalities are very similar .

Final PSA to this is a fact that Courtney Love called out Harvey Weinstein in 2005 and got blackboard for her never to see the live date or many years later and that’s only the light of day so people with Gemini placements can be whistleblowers but you need to be careful because they do embellished the truth a little bit sometimes not all of them. It’s more common in the women and I believe that the man.

[prucanfieldsurquestions]

How did you two get together?

The kitchen floor of the cottage was covered from end to end in newspaper. Knives of various sizes and an entire pack of sharpies sat in a bucket placed off to the side until the pumpkins Matthew and Gilbert had bought from the farmer down the road were emptied of their insides. Gilbert reached into the gigantic pumpkin clamped securely between his thighs and grabbed a handful of pumpkin guts. He pulled them out and held them in his hands, mischief glinting in his eyes and a wicked smirk on his face. Matthew, who had his own gigantic pumpkin between his legs, had no time to get the threat bubbling in his throat out before the pumpkin guts and seeds were thrown his way and landed on his chest with a wet slap. The Prussian’s celebratory cackles were cut short by returning fire coating his cheek in orange slime. 

“Hey! Not the face!”

“All’s fair in love and war, sweetheart, and you declared war.” Matthew said with a smirk of his own, already reaching back into his pumpkin for more ammo. 

The kitchen quickly became a battlefield of laughter and pumpkin seeds being thrown just about as hard as the belligerents could manage. Newspaper saved the floor, but the cupboards, oven, fridge and ceiling became casualties of giggle-filled, fall-coloured war. 

A momentary truce was called when pumpkin guts whipped particularly hard hit Gilbert’s phone clean off the table. The device landed on the floor with a clatter, but upon checking it to see what the damage was, Gilbert noticed a notification. 

“Hey, liebl- aw, really? In my ear?” Gilbert laughed as he schlocked the orange off the side of his face.

“We got another ask?” Matthew asked, holding the next bit of his dwindling ammo in his slimy hand, ready to throw as soon as the truce was over. 

“Ja! They’re asking how we got together! I think it’ll be nice to reminisce while I shove pumpkin guts down your pants!”

“Gilbert, don’t you dare-” Matthew cut himself off with a screech and a giggle as his lover charged at him, a cackling menace with two fistfulls of pumpkin. In an instant Matthew ran to the front door and outside so at least the rest of his house would be spared in the wake of the Great Pumpkin War. 

-    -

October, 2000

The morning sun shone bright and cheerful through the windows to the meeting hall, a stark contrast to the few nations inside who were already dreading the events to come. World meetings were always chaos, always ran stupidly late, and were an event that Matthew was almost never on time for.

Today, though, was different. He’d gotten to the hall with plenty of time to spare, thanks to his brilliant idea of bringing his most obnoxious alarm clock with him. He was so early, in fact, that there weren’t too many people there just yet. Ludwig and Gilbert hadn’t even arrived, and it was that shock of white hair that Matthew kept his eye out for while he sat in his chair and listened in on Lovino and Feliks shit-talking someone or other. 

When he finally saw Gilbert he nearly leapt out of his chair. A smile he couldn’t stop even if he wanted to played on his lips as he made a beeline towards the man. Gilbert had just completed his scan of who was here when he caught sight of the Canadian making his way over. A grin crossed his face, and as soon as Matthew was close enough he pulled him in for a hug that was exuberantly returned. 

“Hallo, Maus! I wasn’t expecting to see you for another twenty minutes, at least! Did you finally find a coffee maker that doesn’t hate you?” Gilbert teased with a smirk that only grew wider with a roll of amethyst eyes. 

“No, I’m pretty sure coffee makers as a whole have it out for me.” Matthew said. He pulled his dress shirt out of his pants just a little bit to show the nearly-dry coffee stain that was, thankfully, easy to hide. "I got here early because I have something I wanted to ask you, actually.”

A silvery brow quirked, and the smirk softened into a lopsided smile. “Ja? Well go ahead, I don’t bite. Often. Ish.”

“You and I both know that’s not true. A-anyways, I wanted to ask if we were planning on skipping out of this meeting sometime later, and if so, if, um…” Matthew trailed off as he worked up his nerve, ignoring how much his cheeks were burning as he did so. Deep breaths, deep breaths! His brain screamed at him. This is your only chance, don’t screw it up! “...If you would maybe possibly want to go to the movies with me? I-I won’t be mad if you don’t want to, or-”

A joyful laugh out of the shorter man cut the word vomit off before it could get embarrassing. Gilbert’s eyes seemed to sparkle as he looked at the poor, flustered Canadian. “Ja, of course we’ll be leaving this stupid meeting early. Same time, same place?”

Relief crashed through Matthew and brought with it a more relaxed smile. “Mhm! I parked pretty close to the entrance, we can just hop in and go.”

“Sehr gut! It’s a date, then!” Gilbert remarked with a grin. He walked off to bother some poor unfortunate soul, leaving Matthew to stand in the same place with hearts floating around his head. 

It’s a date, then!

Oh, how right Gilbert was. 

The sun was already beginning to dip under the horizon by the time a chance for escape presented itself, at about the same time it always did. Strong personalities confined in a relatively small space together, coupled with centuries upon centuries of history, meant that every world meeting was a bomb just waiting to go off. Gilbert walked out the door as Arthur got into a screaming match with someone over some perceived slight. Matthew wasn’t far behind.

“So, I noticed something.” Gilbert started once they were in Matthew’s red pickup truck and on the road, with an eye on the driver and a growing smirk. “You have the back of this thing covered.”

Matthew tried to slow his grin by biting his lip, but it was no use. Of course Gilbert would be observant enough to notice the one time the cover was on. A chuckle out of the albino, and Matthew had to turn his head to hide the light pink dusting his cheeks. 

“Oh, I see how it is. You have something planned, don’t you, Maus? Just wanted to get me alone?”

The light pink deepened instantly to a dark flush guarded by a roll of amethyst eyes. Those eyes threw a quick glance over his shoulder as Matthew changed lanes and proceeded to not use his turn signal. “Oh, shush. Is it so hard to believe that I might want to hang out with you?” Matthew asked with a whisper of a smile. 

There was a brief space for the unspoken ‘Yes, actually, it is.’ to breathe before a chuckle loud enough to cover for it erupted from the Prussian. “Nah, ‘course not. Everyone wants to hang out with me! Frankly, you’re lucky I could fit you into my schedule.”

“And, pray tell, what else do you have in your schedule?”

“...That’s uh, that’s private business! You never ask a woman her age, and you never ask a man what his schedule is like!” 

Matthew simply rolled his eyes fondly and decided to let Gilbert have this one. 

Soon enough, Matthew pulled onto a long dirt driveway that led to a little drive-in theater tucked into the edge of a forest. He backed into a spot, turned the truck off, and was out the door before Gilbert had a chance to undo his seatbelt. While the Prussian was scrambling to catch up, Matthew took the cover off the bed of his truck and stood back with bated breath to watch the other man’s reaction. 

The bed of the truck had been covered with every plush, warm blanket that Matthew owned, all tied down so they wouldn’t move too much in transport. The back of it housed a veritable mountain of stuffed animals and pillows. Matthew watched as lovely vermillion roamed all over the spread, saw the dumb grin dancing on Gilbert’s face, and finally caught his gaze from under snow-white lashes. Their hands brushed, very intentionally it seemed, and Matthew felt like he was about to burst. As much as he would have liked to lace their fingers together, they'd left the meeting a little bit later than anticipated, leaving just enough time for last-minute adjustments before the movie started.  

“Do you want to get some snacks while I fix the pillows and find the radio?” He murmured, fingertips just barely touching Gilbert’s. From his back pocket he produced a crumpled ten dollar bill and held it out. 

“Aw, no five course meal stuffed somewhere in there?” Gilbert said with a laugh as he took the bill and walked towards the concession stand. Matthew could only chuckle and hop up into his truck. 

By the time Gilbert returned with an extra-large popcorn slathered in butter and a single large drink, Matthew had gotten the pillows and stuffed animals rearranged and changed into an oversized hoodie. Gilbert got up onto the bed of the truck with a grunt and plopped himself down beside the Canadian, leaving just enough room to put the popcorn and drink between them. The portable radio was turned on and to the right station just as the projector flickered to life. 

Recognition flashed in Gilbert’s eyes as soon as he saw the familiar sight of a husky running across the Antarctic waste. He smirked and reached in for some popcorn, hand brushing Matthew’s as the other grabbed some popcorn of his own. 

“Have you seen this movie, Maus?”

“Er… well, no. I don’t watch too many scary movies.”

Gilbert stretched his arms upward, drawing it out just a little bit for what Matthew could only assume was effect, then not-so-subtly rested his arm behind Matthew, eliciting a little roll of the eye and a smile to dwarf it. “You just tell me if you get too scared, ja?”

“You’ll be the first to know.” Matthew said with a chuckle. 

He was sure the movie was enthralling, as it had come highly recommended from Alfred for both atmosphere and practical effects. But Matthew’s attention was split between it and the man beside him. Lilac eyes stole glances whenever they could, and once or twice, he could have sworn he saw crimson do the same. It was with one of these glances that the Canadian noticed the man was shivering. The sun had set and taken all the heat in the air with it. The blankets were still tied down and weighed down by all the stuffed animals, and Gilbert's dress shirt wasn't exactly the warmest thing on the planet. A frown crossed Matthew’s cheeks as he figured out what to do about this. Hm… Well, in all the great, cheesy romance novels, the lead usually gave his jacket to his love interest, right? He didn't have a jacket, but hopefully his sweater would do. He took it off in one fluid motion and held it out to a very confused Gilbert. 

“You, um, you seem cold.” He explained with a blush.

Confusion softened into a rose-coloured grin as Gilbert took the sweater and put it on immediately. That pleased grin persisted for a moment, before a small look of concern replaced it. Matthew didn’t have time to ask what was wrong before the man scooted over and planted himself between his legs. Gilbert leaned back into him and nodded once, apparently satisfied with this action.

“There! Now we’re both warm!” 

Matthew’s heart skipped a beat as he snaked his arms around the other man’s waist and pulled him in just that little bit closer. He felt Gilbert melt like popcorn butter into his embrace and had to bury his face in his shoulder for a moment while he remembered how to breathe. He felt a chuckle rumble in Gilbert’s chest, a pale hand reach up to ruffle golden locks, and it wouldn’t be an understatement to say that Matthew needed a full five minutes to put himself back together. 

With his chin now resting on Gilbert’s shoulder, he could finally pay a little more attention to the movie. The tale of the doomed Antarctic team gripped him with wisps of paranoia and an intimate knowledge of how horrific a snowy base in trouble was, even without the added horror of a monster. It was only when he felt Gilbert laugh a little that he realized he was squeezing the man like a frightened child holding a teddy bear. 

“Aw, don’t worry Mattie, I’m here to prote- FUCK!” Gilbert exclaimed as an unexpected scare got him. He dug his fingers into Matthew’s arms, which had only gotten tighter around him, and kept his eyes glued to the movie even though there was a face buried in his shoulder again. 

They stayed holding each other as the movie raced towards it’s conclusion. The final scare had them both screeching and laughing at themselves. They were both centuries old, after all, and had definitely seen worse things than an admittedly terrifying monster. That laughter settled into a comfortable silence once the credits were rolling. Cool night air washed pleasantly over Matthew’s bare back as his front was warmed by the Prussian in his arms. There was just one more thing he had planned to top the night off, and it was now or never.  

“Hey, Gil? I-I have, um, another thing to ask you.” He quietly stammered. 

“Ja, Maus?”

A deep breath was taken, a little squeeze given, and a question that would change their lives forever was uttered. 

“Can I… Can I kiss you?”

Gilbert’s breath hitched in his throat at the question. He twisted himself in Matthew’s arms, enough to look at him and see that he was, in fact, serious. A smile warm enough to drive away the chill of the night crossed his lips as he reached up to thread his fingers through the man’s wavy hair. 

“I thought you’d never ask.” He murmured with a little chuckle.

Matthew’s only response was to close the distance between them and capture Gilbert’s lips in a kiss that left both of them breathless and seeing stars. When they parted, Matthew couldn’t help himself. He held the other close, planted kisses on his cheek like he’d been wanting to for years, and sighed in happiness as he felt strong arms wrap around him and hold him tight. It was only when he started snickering that Gilbert pulled back and raised a questioning brow. 

“Do you know what that sweater’s made of, Gil?”

“Uh… Cotton?”

“Nope! It’s made of boyfriend material.”

It was Gilbert’s turn to roll his eyes, to laugh and kiss Matthew’s burning cheek. “You fuckin’ dork. Guess I’m keeping this sweater, then.”

Matthew could only grin and kiss him again, under the light of an autumnal moon filled with new love.

[angrenwen]

"

Sometimes they ask him about his sealed records. They want to know about his experience growing up (since surely someone as successful as him was a 1000 point child at least). He shakes off those questions with a smile, an offhand comment about protecting his parents, or, if worst comes to worst, a smile.

Finally, finally today he’s got the points. Thousands of points from years of classes, of seminars, of simulations.  Shane’s got the Parent Points to buy a child of his own.

The facility’s staff welcomes him in with open arms, eyes flicking over his suit, his nicely combed hair, the watch on his wrist. Their smiles brighten when he scans his Parent Points and a six digit number appears.

“Right this way, Mr. Carson,” the social worker, Ms. Daily, says, sweeping her arm to the right. “I have just the nursery for you.”

He follows Ms. Daily obediently, looking neither right nor left. She’s clearly taking him to the higher point children, the ones at the heart of the facility, the protected ones. He can hear crying as they pass the first window and his hands curl into fists in his pockets.

“Here we are,” Ms. Daily chirps, stopping in front of a large, viewing window. “Please, let me know if you see one to your liking. I have all the relevant information here.” She holds up her data pad and smiles.

Shane steps forward, eyes dropping to the plaque just under the window. Magnolia Room. Advanced language skills, superior mathematics, excellent athleticism. 80,000-120,000 PP.

The children in the room scream with laughter as their caregiver chases them around a brightly colored carpet. They’re all young here, babies and toddlers. When they’re older, they’ll become cheaper and cheaper until the regular masses can buy a ten-year-old prodigy for just a few thousand.

Shane’s jaw tenses as he takes in the opulence of the room, so different from the nursery he grew up in. There are books strewn all over the ground, intermingled with toys and puzzles and snack boxes. There’s a caretaker for every three children, equipped with radios and first aid training in case there are any injuries. He can see genuine affection on the caretakers’ faces as they play with the children, listening to them, loving them.

“They’re lovely,” Shane says to Ms. Daily, not taking his eyes off the room. “Really.”

“Thank you,” Ms. Daily says, preening. “We begin the educational process early. These children are magnificently bright, you see, sure to flourish in your home.”

“I’m sure,” Shane says, “but no, I think, for me. Shall we?” He turns on his heel and heads back down the hallway, strides long and sure.

“M-Mr. Carson?” Ms. Daily stutters. “Wait!”

Shane doesn’t wait. He stalks past the 50,000 point children, catching glimpses of solid beds, individual heaters, and caretakers beginning to prepare the evenings meal with the kids. He sees smiles and hears laughter and is happy for these children, truly he is.

He hates that not all the kids here are so cared for.

“Really,” Ms. Daily huffs, yanking down the back of her skirt, “I don’t think you’ll find a child to your satisfaction here!”

Shane ignores her and slows down. These nurseries are markedly different now. The 1000-2000 point kids’ room is plainer, still bright and cheerful but not quite so…vibrant. The caretakers here wear scrubs, like nurses, and they sit at folding tables, not oak ones, as they color with their charges. The children are munching on carrots and celery, some trail mix, drinking juice.

There’s one more room at the end of the hallway. Shane knows what it is.

“If you haven’t seen any child you like,” Ms. Daily says, catching his arm, “we have a sister facility in Panama City! I hear they have a little girl with the bluest eyes– Mr. Carson, wait!”

Shane stops in front of the last window. It’s yellow with age and there’s chicken wire embedded in the glass. In the bottom right corner, there is a web of cracks as if it had been hit with great force from the inside.

The plaque under this window reads: Yarrow Room. Disruptive behaviors, low proficiency in core subjects. 100 PP.

There are fifteen kids in this room, which is wrong since this nursery is much smaller than the other. Their beds are metal bunk beds with thin, space saver mattresses. The children sit scattered on the floor, not enough chairs for all of them. They range in age from toddlers to teenagers and their clothing looks old, worn, and doesn’t suit the children in the least.

There are no caregivers at all.

“It takes certain certifications to handle these children,” Ms. Daily says, flustered. “We can’t afford to keep a specialist on the staff 24/7. I assure you, the children don’t particularly mind it. They’re a…slow group.”

Shane sees the bags under each set of eyes. He sees the way they sit, backs too tense and straight to be anything but aware of being observed. He sees the food wrappers littering the ground, the grease in their hair, and the scarcity of color in the room and grits his teeth.

“All of them,” he says. He thinks about his big house, all the rooms, all the money. He hadn’t planned for this, not so soon, but he can’t. Not now. “I’ll take all of them.”

Ms. Daily sputters. “Mr. Carson! I–I admire your charity but a man of your position, if I may speak candidly, can not buy a 100 point child!”

“A man of my position,” Shane repeats, eyebrows climbing up his forehead.

“Exactly,” Ms. Daily says, nodding fiercely. “You are a man in the public eye, Mr. Carson, and you need a child able to do you justice! One of the 10,000 PP children, even, would serve you better!”

“I don’t know,” Shane says, mouth twitching. “I think a 100 point child could handle it just fine.”

Ms. Daily seems appalled at the very thought. “I assure you, they can’t!”

“I could and did,” Shane tells her. Then, while she’s processing, he inclines his head towards the window. “All of them. Shall we start the paperwork?”

All Ms. Daily can do is meekly follow him back towards the front office."

Couples receive “parent points”, which they can use to purchase their children. Most parents wait for a few thousand, but you chose to buy the cheaper, 100 point child.

[jodilin65]

FRIDAY, MARCH 31, 2023 I have 2000 miles left of my trip. I’ve done about 180 miles so far. Getting closer to France!

Tom notices a strange tingling sensation when he touches his legs. This could be diabetes, his thyroid, or both. In a couple of months or so, he’s going to see his own doctor and get a suspicious spot on his forehead looked at. It might be what I had and need to be sprayed with liquid nitrogen.

Right now, I’m more worried about my weight than anything else. I don’t know that I’m going to be able to stop from gaining let alone lose. But then I haven’t been able to control my weight since being over 35, like most people. To lose weight AND keep it off is the impossible dream unless I want to damn near starve myself and I don’t. Just gotta roll with the punches of aging. Unless you’re one of the few percent with great genes, this is just life for most of us.

During our 11th session, Helen and I discussed various things. We mostly focused on the world in general and how it impacts us. I’m not worried about war, but when I see more and more restrictions put on women’s reproductive rights and other things going on in this country, I know the craziness is getting closer to affecting all of us. Hearing about doctors fleeing states instead of treating women like they’re trained to do only adds to the problem. When you don’t take a stand against extremists and you let them run you out of wherever, you become part of the problem. At the same time, the only way to fix the problem going on in this country isn’t possible. That’s because we can’t expect every single one of these extremists who are in charge of things to drop dead. Even Helen feels that if things keep going as they have, the loss of freedom and life as we know it will really suck.

Some people are so obsessed with control that there’s no rhyme or reason for it. The control freaks control things just because they can. They enact crazy laws and restrictions just because they can. Because it makes them feel powerful. Nowadays, fewer women can control what happens to their lives and bodies. People can’t always read what they want to read. Harmless entertainment is now harmful.

I’m starting to wonder if we’re all going to be microchipped someday and controlled in the privacy of our own homes. Maybe there will be mandatory cameras all through our homes and we’ll be zapped or something if whoever’s in control feels we’re spending too much time in a certain room of our house or some crazy shit like that. When I see us step so far back into the Dark Ages in this day and age, I start to think anything may be possible no matter how horrible or off the wall it may seem.

THURSDAY, MARCH 30, 2023 You know you don't know what you're doing when playing Sims 4 if you can't keep a teenage girl from jumping into bed with her father. beats head frustratedly

My gallbladder now has an execution date of April 12th! That week will be a busy one with appointments three days in a row. New bridge on the 10th, pre-op testing on the 11th, and surgery on the 12th. For my pre-op appointment, they’re going to do x-rays, an EKG, and blood work. I’ll have a follow-up appointment three to four weeks after surgery. I hate the money it costs us but will be so glad to have the new bridge and gallbladder out. We forgot to ask if I’ll have stitches. I asked through the portal but didn’t get a reply. That’s exactly why I prefer Galileo over dealing with doctors that I see in person. It’s just that Galileo docs can’t reach through the phone and yank my gallbladder out.

The surgeon's waiting room was a bit crowded on our way out the other day. It was so funny when I was in the bathroom right off of it and I heard someone ask him if he came there that often as if it were a spa or a salon, LOL.

“This is a doctor you don’t want to have to see very often,” he told them. Then he waited for me outside the waiting room because they wanted to chat like they were all good buddies and Tom isn’t very sociable on or offline.

The surgeon did have an accent that was a little hard to understand and his mask muffled his voice, making it even harder. I was wondering if I was ever going to see a maskless doctor again but then my GI doc wasn’t wearing one.

The GI appointment was quick but the waste of time I expected it to be. It was nice to get out but it was to learn nothing new. The doctor agrees the gallbladder is most likely causing my problems. Gee, you think? Well, like I told him, two more weeks and it’s gone. Yeah, 13 days left to live, you crampy little bastard!

He mentioned the propofol they used to knock me out and how people love it, and no wonder Michael Jackson loved it, LOL. That was exactly what I was thinking.

We were out for about four hours today. Funny how things are greening up out there, even though we haven’t had much rain.

We stopped at Whole Foods for over an hour while the car charged. We ate at the buffet and sat at one of the tables where I took notes in my journal, and we also played on our phones and stuff like that. For the millionth time, why does nearly every store and restaurant I enter have to sound like a fucking concert hall? The music was loud and annoying. It was a nice day overall, though, and barely humid out.

Noticed the flags across the street were taken down yesterday and the golf cart is gone too. I was wondering when in April they’d leave. So I’m guessing the trailer will show up tomorrow, and they’ll leave on the first. That’s OK with me! I was a bit worried they’d stick around till mid-April or May, even though it’s not like they’re horrible neighbors.

Jess is one contradicting and confusing person! First, she had no problem on 100s, then no problem on 88s. Then she was glad to have fewer palpitations on 88s but complained she gained 3 pounds in a month, and why was her dose even lowered in the first place, she asks, since she was fine on 100s?

Had a dream I ran into Chris and he was a doctor of all things. We were about to move and I asked if I could see him if the move didn’t work out and we returned. He agreed and started to write me a prescription for my medication when I told him I didn’t need any at the moment.

Then I told him that while I hadn’t told Tom yet, I discovered blood on the tampon I was wearing. Why I was wearing one at this age is beyond me. He looked worried and disappointed. I assured him I would talk to Tom soon but was busy with other things.

It's going to suck not going to the beach this summer since he’s going to be working. Maybe I’ll go to the pool more often instead.

Just got an email saying I have to pre-register on the hospital site for surgery. Health work, health work, health work! Imagine if I could spend the time on other things that I spend working on my health. I’m so sick of practically making a career out of it.

My urine analysis came back negative. So the antibiotics did their job after all. I do feel much better. Just slight burning every now and then.

Random thought: My foster mother never would have cried for me if I’d died the way I cried for her when I learned of her death.

MONDAY, MARCH 27, 2023 After waiting for the better part of an hour, I met with the surgeon this morning. He was in a complex that included a hospital and emergency room. A guy was driving a six-seat golf cart around the parking lot that took us directly to the building I needed to go to.

The waiting room was small and comfortable, but a bit chilly. Wearing just a tank top, I wished I had brought my cardigan with me. Anyway, we each used the bathroom off of the waiting room and settled into our seats to play games on our phones when I whispered in his ear, “Someone smells like a smoker."

A second later, a youngish guy sitting with a youngish woman said he was trying to quit.

Oops! LOL, so I apologized and he said it was no problem. The woman even seemed amused. Maybe him hearing me say that will influence him to quit just like I influenced Andy to give up the pot when he read in my blog that I thought he sounded high all those years ago when he left me a voice message.

So the doctor is going to remove the gallbladder, explaining just about everything I was able to Google about the subject of low-functioning gallbladders. It’s going to be 4 incisions, though, and not 5. They’ll be across my lower stomach. They need the other ports for “hands” to lift the liver out of the way and insert tools. I let him know that my TSH was a few points elevated and about the UTI and he said that would be no problem. I didn’t think it would be, though.

They will call to set up a date/time which should be within the next few weeks. Really hope I’m on days when they call! We let them know the 10th was out of the question. The only thing that worries me about having it done before the 10th is whether or not it would throw off my schedule for the dentist but Tom doesn’t think it will.

At the end of today, I take the last Nitrofurantoin and while it seemed to work great at first, the burning is picking up again and I'm not sure the UTI is gone. There are a couple of other things as well. For one, I noticed a slightly greenish tint to my pee when it's usually pretty clear, and I had lower left back pain (a dull ache that would come and go) for a couple of days. Today it hasn't been as noticeable but yesterday and the day before it was. I don't know if there's a connection, though. It could have been a pulled muscle or something. Maybe it's time to do a urine culture?

I updated my docs on all this, and we’ll see what they say.

I’m down 2 pounds since beginning the IF diet, but I know my stubborn dumbass body. It’ll lose 2-3 more pounds and then automatically reset itself to where it was, even if I keep doing what I’ve been doing.

SUNDAY, MARCH 26, 2023 For the last couple of days, I’ve been having a dull, intermittent ache in my lower left back and really hoping to hell that my next problem isn’t going to be kidney stones. Tomorrow is the last day of the nitrofurantoin. It’s also surgeon meeting day. I worry that the UTI, gastritis, and hernia may delay gallbladder surgery. Basically, I’m just wondering how many more appointments I’m going to have before I can finally get a break from them and I’m worried about money as well.

We ran out to Twistee Treat and got ice cream. I’ve noticed after I eat, no matter what the quantity, I feel not just unusually full, but also a bit short of breath and bloated. I guess I’ll find out more about that on Thursday.

We went to the dollar store before going for ice cream to get some Vienna’s and OMFG. This bastard was getting ready to blaze out on his motorcycle and I was trying to hurry across the parking lot so the sound wouldn’t blow up my eardrums but I couldn’t get across fast enough because a couple of cars were in the way. Why is this shit legal? Why don’t we use the technology we have today to limit the volume of these damn things?! I’m so sick of this fucked up world at times and its twisted laws. Why is it more important to regulate women’s bodies and what people read than deal with how insanely loud and disruptive people can be?

Then when we got home, the loud motorcycle that visits Toni on occasion came and went. Yesterday was the bitch down the street, gunning and running hers with her little friend.

I understand that planes have a way to go before batteries can be made to quiet those down. But there’s no excuse left for anything on the ground. Not many commercial planes today, but a small plane was zooming back and forth and being a little annoying for a while. They don’t seem to share the air space, even though the commercials are up higher. Yet when they’re not around as much the small plains take the stage.

As I’ve mentioned before, I don’t diet because I hate being hungry. I have to bring my calories to an unsustainably low amount which means a lot of hunger for very little results. I don’t want to work so hard for so little. But I’ve really got to try to stop from gaining any more weight. So Tom and I decided to do intermittent fasting and only eat during an 8-hour window. This means I’m going to wait until I’ve been up for 4 hours before I start eating. I know I won’t lose weight since I can pack in more than 1000 calories in 8 hours but I’m hoping I’ll at least stop gaining.

If I understood the news brief Alexa gave me, some top official in Kansas is going to fight to ban abortion there, even though the majority of the people voted against bans and enshrined reproductive rights into their constitution. What’s the point of the people voting and enshrining things into constitutions if whoever is running the show is just going to undo it all and what they personally want?

SATURDAY, MARCH 25, 2023 No problems with resuming the nitrofurantoin. I wish I hadn’t let my stupid PTSD scare me off of it. Especially since the amoxicillin didn’t work. Things are definitely feeling better where the sun doesn’t shine. I’m still trying to figure out how the hell I got the UTI to begin with since having a bidet means a cleaner booty. Read an article saying that some UTIs are contracted from tainted meat. I cook all my meat except for the Vienna’s.

Had a horrible nightmare. Tom and I owned some land somewhere and recent rain left lots of puddles around the land, most of which were barely an inch deep. One of the puddles was a little wider than Tom, who stepped on its edge. Then he slipped down into it and at first we were surprised to see him sink down to his hips. Then a second later, he was up to his neck. The same instant he told me to call 911, I knew we weren’t going to be able to get him out ourselves. That’s when I woke up from the nightmare.

Two more days till I find out if I’m having gallbladder surgery or not and hopefully, also when, if I am.

FRIDAY, MARCH 24, 2023 Took the 88 that would have been a 75 today. Yesterday was one of those wonderfully unusual days where I had energy. Today, I’m back to the usual fatigue, but I expected it. This is what my body is used to, though. Who knows how many days it will be before I have energy again?

My day started off a bit emotional yesterday thanks to all the stress I’m under. Helen made me feel a lot better when we were done talking. Next week is when we’re gonna do the EMDR.

I have three appointments next week, counting Helen. I swear it never ends! I gotta make sure the GI appointment doesn’t spawn another appointment. Hopefully Monday, I’ll find out what’s going on with the surgery.

Continuing with this entry after taking a nap and doing other things…

Sure enough, I’m still having UTI symptoms. I was warned, after all, that it can be resistant to amoxicillin. I’m going to finish the nitrofurantoin. I have 7 left. They said the drowsiness and warm flushing are OK as long as I don’t get hives, stomach pain, or trouble breathing or anything like that. If I still have symptoms after Monday, then we’ll do a urine culture.

I called Margaret yesterday thinking she just had a few tech questions and it was horrible. The woman babbled non-stop for 45 minutes, mostly about Dixie and Diane. Dixie was like that too, and I had to wonder how they could have been friends for over a decade. I mean, how could they have gotten a word in edgewise? I know I barely could. I don’t understand why there are so many people like this in the world. I get that she’s 93 and lonely and that her kids don’t live anywhere near her, but it’s not like she’s alone all the time. She does have a large group of friends. There seem to be a lot of people of all different ages and walks of life like her that can’t shut up.

Not once did she ask what was going on with me. I will admit that a part of me was hoping that as long as she agreed to let us pay her back, she would help get us out of debt since she’s supposed to be wealthy. But it was all about her past friendship with Dixie and how she only hung on to that friendship for Diane’s sake. She said Dixie had 1.4 million dollars before she died and was so obsessed with money that she would do things like not eat at expensive restaurants and would find old clothes to sell and do whatever it took to make and save money. Margaret still doesn’t know what became of the money.

Then she talked a little bit about the 4000-square-foot home she and her husband used to have in Loomis on 17 acres. She’s now in a 3-bedroom house outside of Sacramento.

So yeah, it was all about her. I politely listened but I’m sorry I gave her my number. I could have hung up on her rambling away as she did and she wouldn’t have known it for a half hour. I’ve always hated one-sided relationships of any kind. I hate it when a person wants to know all about me and won't let me in on what's going on in their life, and I hate it when everything is all about them only.

And yet again I continue this entry. This time I’m determined to finish it! We ran out to CVS and got some treats. I’m sipping pink Moscato that should be mostly out of my system by the time I take my antibiotic, though it’s not on the list of ones they say you shouldn’t have alcohol with. Even so, now that I’m going to begin treatment again, I won’t drink anymore until after I’m done.

I also got some cranberry pills enriched with vitamin C and probiotics.

Saw a pest control truck at Ray’s earlier.

Finished the latest VZ challenge! It took me about two weeks to do it and there’s a little more than a month left.

THURSDAY, MARCH 23, 2023 Wow, that’s interesting. Margaret sent an email asking that I call her. Could it possibly have to do with what’s going on with us here? I did mention the health issues and that he would likely be returning to work but I certainly didn’t ask for anything either. I told her that was simply life. I think she just wants me to call to help test her phone and internet. She’s been having a lot of problems with AT&T. I remember how horrible they were. She said she was in the middle of replying to my message when it all disappeared. Same thing when she was on the phone with a friend.

Part of me is sorry we didn’t get to meet before we left Cali. She’s such a nice lady and we do love most of her jokes. She’s in her 90s now, so as she says, she could be here today and gone tomorrow. I’ll call her after my meeting with Helen.

Yesterday, I ended up a bit tearful over the stress of all the health issues and the debt we’re racking up. We both know it’s not my fault and that I didn’t ask for these problems, but I still feel bad anyway. These concerns are now spilling over into my dreams. I don’t know if he was getting retirement money in the dream I had but he had just gotten a job and I was thinking that it was just in the nick of time. But the very next day they fired him for his essential tremor and I said, “I knew that job was too good to be true.” I had a bad feeling that we would be forced to end it all if we didn’t want to end up on the streets.

At least there’s certainly no risk of that happening in real life! Unlike when the recession went to hell, we do have a steady income. It’s just not much. The medical part of what’s going on is harder on me than the financial part. I think I ran into Jessie in the dream too, and was about to tell her that I may never see her again, but couldn’t bring myself to do it.

My doctors are acting like my TSH of 7 is really 77. I was told by more than one doctor that being under 10 isn’t dangerous. They’re also aware of the side effects I have from the medication. So we’re going to go extra slow at titrating the dose. I still don’t think I’m ever going to be able to handle being in the normal range but I’m going to get as close as I can comfortably get. So for the next six weeks, I’ll be taking six 88s every other week. I think it’s 50/50 as to whether or not I can handle six 88s every single week but seven is too much for me.

What I don’t get is why they asked if my surgeon asked for clearance and if he feels comfortable operating on someone with an elevated TSH. Again, I didn’t think 7 was that high. And secondly, how can it be dangerous? I’ll discuss it with him next week, and as I reminded them, I don’t have a surgery date yet. I meet with the surgeon next week.

I still have to see an endo but as my docs and I discussed, I’m going to wait and schedule one closer to home after what’s going on now is dealt with because I’m overwhelmed as it is. They understood too. As I said before, I don’t know what an endo can do that the last two didn’t but they can’t hurt either and will make my docs happy. I really hope to hell they never want to check my cholesterol. They'd go ballistic over that.

I was shocked to learn that the endoscopy I had cost $19,000! We paid $236 of it. Almost 20K just to shove a camera down my throat for 12 minutes. The cost of the HIDA must have been insane too.

Today I finished the last of the amoxicillin and I’m not sure that the infection is gone. So that’s another thing stressing me out right there on top of the three grand the new bridge just cost us. I had the temporary bridge put on yesterday and it wasn’t a rough appointment at all. Triazolam is good stuff and so is this dentist. I love her. I think she’s the best of the three I’ve had between California and Florida. Despite the money it costs, it’s nice not to have stinging in that area when the root was exposed. It looks better already and this is just with the temp bridge.

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 22, 2023 Handling the amoxicillin well. Most of the infection seems to be gone. I was a little alarmed for a minute when I started to get a rash in the groin area, realizing it wasn’t the right spot for an allergic reaction to amoxicillin, which I’ve never gotten from it before, and a little late in the game for it to be because of the UTI. But then I realized it was just a heat rash. Those are common in these kinds of climates, even though it was surprisingly cold last night. Got all the way down to 39. 30 freakin 9 degrees in March in Florida! Anyway, a little hydrocortisone helped clear it up.

Got my results after getting up this evening. No results on whatever that liver test was for yet but my T4 is 1.3, and my TSH is 7.12. So right about what I was expecting.

A part of me wants to do nothing because I’ve felt so much better emotionally. But because I've been having so much fatigue and even mild hypothyroidism can cause issues with fatigue and weight - fatigue being debilitating - here's what I'd like to do and I ran this by my docs too.

First, I can't stress enough just how sensitive I am to this medication and how much of a fine line it has between helpful and hurtful for me personally. If I'm not really careful, I have epic anxiety, a booming heart, insomnia, the runs, and I feel like I'm on fire. Therefore, I’d like to add just one 88 a week, but ONLY EVERY OTHER WEEK and do this for SIX weeks. The last time we did the slow titration method I only did each step for four weeks and then realized that wasn’t enough time for it to fully build up and that’s why I struggled for a while.

My calculations say I should be at 5 if I can ever stand to take six 88s a week every week. But there's no way I can stand to get to around 3. Way too many side effects there. And again, I know people say they have anxiety when they're low on thyroid, but I'm actually the other way around for some reason. The closer the numbers get to the normal range, I have off-the-charts anxiety. So it's important that I take it extra slow, especially since he may have to go back to work, which means I'll be alone more. It once took me several tries to tolerate 75.

If worse comes to worst, we know I can handle 88 five times a week and that it doesn't put my TSH in those dangerous double digits. But I’d like to try this every other week for six weeks. I'm just tired of being tired, even though I don't know for sure that my thyroid is to blame.

Downloaded Sims 4 to my desktop and a mobile version as well. I want to like the game because it looks like it could be fun if I could just understand it. Some of it I get, but it’s such a complex game that I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to figure out the mechanics of how everything works. There are just so many controls and options.

Robert added some new songs to the playlist, but I’m not liking them so far. They’re not bad. They’re just boring. Half of them are by people I’ve never even heard of. At least he got rid of three of the five Pitbull songs.

I took triazolam before bed, but I can’t say that it helped me sleep better. Maybe just a little. I didn’t sleep as long as I thought I would. Just like yesterday, I awoke tired and ended up going down for a nap shortly after. The second and last pill will be taken an hour before this morning’s bridge replacement.

I had this dream I was riding this little scooter that was shaped sort of like an upside-down T. You place your feet on the sides and hold the stick in the middle. I was riding up a dirt driveway in a wooded area, hoping no dogs would jump out and chase me.

The house I entered had a back door as well. But once I stepped inside and into the living room, it looked like this place. I could see Tom out in the lanai with the bitch revving her motorcycle beyond the window as he gathered some old stuff. Some of it contained old vinyl records that were only a few inches wide. I insisted he sell them, saying he could get good money for them. But he said all he could get for them was $10.

TUESDAY, MARCH 21, 2023 I just want to cry right now. I am so frustrated and overwhelmed with all the health issues and appointments that it’s really getting me down. I feel so much older than my years at times. I kind of wish I could magically make Helen appear on my cam right now. I hate to say it, but I can see how Aly sometimes wished she would get something that would just kill her. I’m kinda wishing that myself right now only I don’t see myself getting that wish like she did, even though she didn’t really want that deep down. Far from it. She wanted to live. She just wanted to do it without constantly suffering. I would like to live without the regular suffering as well, even if I don’t have the zest for life that she did.

The nitrofurantoin proved to be too strong for me so I was switched to amoxicillin. I looked back in my journal and found that I last took it for a sinus infection back in the 90s and had no side effects. I can take penicillin, but it gives me the runs. They gave me that a few years ago when I had a tooth infection. The only problem is that some resistance has been reported when it comes to amoxicillin and UTIs. That’s what my doctors told me anyway. But the other stuff was way too powerful. It was making me very drowsy and I would have these scary warm flushes come over me that weren’t like a regular hot flash. I think most of the infection is gone, but not all of it.

Went to the lab bright and early in the morning, but there was no urine test ordered for me. Just the thyroid and something else. I wonder if they canceled the pee test because the home testing kit showed I have a UTI. I did notice another test I don’t think I ever had before called a PSC. I guess it has to do with the liver.

I’m just really stressed out not just over all the appointments, but the constant fatigue that rarely seems to give me a break. I don’t know what to think at times because there are so many possible causes. Maybe something else is going on with me that hasn’t been diagnosed, but I doubt it. I just feel really overwhelmed, and I know that today I’m going to be told my TSH is shitty. The question is how shitty?

I’m having one of those days when I’m wondering if there’s something up there that’s punishing me, or if this is just random. I just feel like I shouldn’t be having this many health problems until I’m over 65.

I started my day - or night, I should say - off on the warm side and my heart started racing before I took the amoxicillin but after I finished eating a frozen dinner. Hopefully, that was just because there was too much sodium in it. Every now and then I take a break from healthy stuff and get pre-made stuff, especially when I don’t feel well. I’m hoping some of the fatigue will lift once the infection is cured, but it’s been really bad the last couple of years, and I certainly haven’t been infected that long.

The honker left at 4:30 yesterday morning and I thought they were going on a road trip or something but nope, they were back a few hours later.

Tomorrow’s dental bridge replacement day. Ughhh… They said it was OK to take the triazolam with the amoxicillin, though. I can’t say whether or not the amoxicillin is making me drowsy because of the fatigue, but it doesn’t seem to be as noticeable as with the other stuff. So hopefully, if I take it before bed I’ll sleep better because I definitely haven’t been sleeping well, which doesn’t help.

Can’t believe how cold it is here, and it’s almost April in Florida.

SUNDAY, MARCH 19, 2023 Finished my painting of a candle in a window with raindrops on a rainy night. It came out okay, but not nearly as good as the tutorial. The flame seems to glow in dim light. I had trouble getting solid, even coverage over the color that was already there. The background color bled through so I had to throw on a few coats.

They gave me an antibiotic specially made for UTIs called Nitrofurantoin. I’m so glad they called in the stuff when they saw the results of my home test! That way I don’t have to suffer until they get the lab results sometime next week.

I’m also going to make sure I have foods and drinks that contain probiotics.

Even though I take children’s vitamins due to my sensitivity to things, I’m starting to wonder if they could have a hand in some of the fatigue I’ve experienced. I noticed that in the days following when I forget to take them, I seem to have a little more energy. Vitamins make Tom tired. I think the antibiotics might have made me a little tired too, so I can’t really experiment with that just yet. There are 10 pills that I’m going to take twice a day for 5 days.

I was worried thunder might wake me up but instead, a nightmare of having bees on me woke me up. I woke up literally slapping my chest to get them off, LOL. Despite the scary dream, I fell back asleep and woke up with good energy.

I also had a dream that we bought our old beach cottage in Old Lyme, Connecticut that we used to go to during the summers when I was a kid. The cottage that was in front of us toward the right was closer than it was in real life. I could see the guy who moved into it recently inside the place. I could see into all the rooms from back to front, including him sawing away on his front porch and driving me crazy.

Then he was in our place sitting at our kitchen table with us where I dropped enough hints without being rude to let him know it was annoying and he didn’t seem to give a shit like most people. I was surprised to learn he was remodeling the place because I thought it had already been done.

Finally, everyone from the surrounding cottages was at the table. Eventually, I stood up and explained the history of the lot on which the 7 cottages sat, and how my family and their friends owned the cottages back in the 70s. Tom, for some reason, didn’t seem happy with me letting people in on this.

FRIDAY, MARCH 17, 2023 Galileo didn’t forget the lab after all and I’m glad they didn’t because I definitely have a UTI. I asked them if they could include that in the lab order and they told me about at-home UTI testing strips as well. I didn’t even know there was such a thing. Tom also found that there are OTC pills you can take but I’m guessing Galileo is going to want to prescribe antibiotics. I still have to get tested at the lab so that they know what kind of infection I have. I just can’t believe I got it from shit since we have bidets. I’m thinking it could have come from excess moisture that produces yeast. These bidets with their wider streams definitely leave me wetter so I got thin liners to help absorb moisture.

I had to sleep today, but Tom went out and got the testing kit along with the Halcion for Wednesday’s appointment. I peed on a strip with two little squares that test for different things. The one that remained clear was for your white blood cell count. The other one turned red right away, which indicates a UTI. I would have been genuinely worried if it showed that I didn’t have one because that could mean I had much bigger problems.

I enjoyed having better energy yesterday for the first time in days, but now I’m back to being tired despite sleeping a decent amount of time and getting a good sleep score. I did wake up a few times due to weird dreams, as usual… Me running from a couple that was pissed at me in a hotel and being unable to find my room. Then there was a rat in another dream. Rats have been showing up in my dreams a lot lately.

Anyway, I have an appointment at the lab at 5:40 Monday morning.

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 15, 2023 I’m definitely not in a good mood right now. I was so excited to finally be able to let my body wake up on its own after having to set alarms for so many days and being exhausted. Yet I’m still exhausted! And I’m still trying to figure out why. Low thyroid? Sleep apnea? Depression? Well, with my sensitivity to medication, I can’t treat these things any more than I already have. I’m not going to increase my thyroid dose, of course, but maybe bringing 45 minutes to an hour of waiting time might help. I doubt it, but it's worth a try.

He gets free stuff every few months because he’s on Medicare. So I had him get me a pillbox since there wasn’t anything he really needed this time around. Now I don’t have to get up and try to remember if I’m supposed to take a 75 or an 88 that day.

Anyway, I was out front for a bit while he filled the planter that was left here with dirt, and we planted a mix of cosmos seeds in it. The sunlight seemed to perk me up, but it was very short-lived. I ended up napping shortly after.

Right now, I’m frustratedly working on a painting. I just don’t have the knack for this! Things really do change with age. Just because I was a little artistic when I was young, doesn’t mean I still am. They make it look so easy in their tutorials yet I’m having a hell of a time doing even the simpler parts, which is the background. I just can’t always get my colors right and when I do, I still don’t get it to look like it’s supposed to. I’m working on one that shows a lit candle reflecting on a window full of raindrops with a stormy evening sky behind it. It's supposed to be right as the sun is setting. I stepped back and compared mine with theirs and my sunset didn’t quite glow as yellowy as theirs does. Also, my sky and ground look more like splotches of color than anything else.

I regret spending all this money on painting supplies and the witchcraft kit. Complete waste of money. I might even undo the paper and oil pastels if I could. Coloring and diamond painting is all I can really do.

Anyway, I got the background done and I’ll attempt to get the candles and raindrops on later or tomorrow.

TUESDAY, MARCH 14, 2023 Because I complained that there are too many Pitbull songs on the modern radio station in the VZ app and that his crap comes up every time I play it, one person decided I was rude and don't know anything about music. Before they blocked me, of course. This is exactly why I’m not very active in any of the groups I'm involved in. I'm never allowed a right to my own fucking opinion if others don't agree with it.

Working my way through the 48-day challenge. Went through Vancouver, and then London, and now I'm in rural Australia. There are only two more rides in the challenge after this, and that's in Daytona and Ireland I think. They’ll be kind of long, though, at about 62 miles each.

The heating element on our hot water tank broke, but fortunately, it didn't cost much to fix and although the job was harder and took longer than expected, Tom did a great job on it. He said it took a lot out of him just getting up and down off the floor and that he needs to get in better shape before he gets a job.

I have mixed emotions about him going back to work. I don't mind a little more alone time as long as I'm not feeling bad but it also sucks that his program didn’t work out (though no surprise) and we're no longer going to have the flexibility to do things any day as long as my schedule and energy levels are good for it. It's going to be harder to schedule appointments and trips to the beach and whatnot. There have been reports of algae blooming at some of the beaches and I don't know how safe it will be to swim regardless. At least we've got the pool to go to even if I may have to listen to unwanted music and planes and dodge through ants.

It was great to be able to catch up on my sleep, even if that sleep wasn't of the greatest quality and I still woke up a million times along the way. I slept over 9 hours. Tom said Toni had her yard seeded.

Had my 9th session with Helen. As I told her, I don't want to rush things but I don't want there to be too many more sessions either, since we don't have a lot of extra money right now. So we're going to be beginning the EMDR therapy. We kind of started the preliminaries today.

MONDAY, MARCH 13, 2023 I woke up feeling batshit tired that I could barely think straight. Knowing I couldn’t make my Thursday appointment being crazy tired like this, I went online to see if there was an option to cancel it, figuring it wasn’t necessary anyway. I really believe all they’re going to tell me is that I should avoid certain foods and lose weight, the latter of which isn’t doable. But then I found that there was not only an option to cancel but an option to reschedule. So I filled out a quick form providing my preferred times and opted for my communication preference to be email rather than the phone. I thought they would call anyway as a lot of places do but nope, they rescheduled me online for the 30th. So that’s a huge weight lifted from my shoulders!

So I went back to sleep for a couple of hours and then went to pick up the images an hour after I got up. He was surprised he wasn’t charged for them because they’re supposed to be $5 a disc.

Then, before we left their parking lot, we ordered Dominoes. Once we got home, I was so hungry that I ate my entire pasta bowl at once. Plus, I had a mini lava cake for dessert.

I’m not having as much burning, so that’s a good sign. It’s still not 100% cured, though.

When I got up the second time, I thought I was back at the old place. The water was off. Literally! Then Tom said he got a text from Tabatha saying that there was a problem down the street and the water would be back on in a half hour, and it was; it’s just kind of brownish and yucky. I remember that shit all too well from the old place!

During my nap, I dreamt the gastro place did call instead of emailing me and a woman left a voice message in which all I could hear was my name being spoken in a foreign accent. Then my phone died altogether before moving on to the next dream of some kind of large rat or other critter living in the closet of one of the bedrooms. I went to clean when I noticed these large turds and then saw them quickly slither into the closet.

So the honker isn’t married after all. I didn’t realize this at first until I got to see more pics/posts and get to know a little more about who’s who but the bride he’s pictured with in his profile picture isn’t Kari but one of his daughters. He has two daughters that I know of. Hanna and Kayla. It’s Kayla he’s pictured with. She recently visited and he shared pictures of them kayaking on the river. Plus, we saw her hanging out at his place and noticed that it didn’t look like the woman who lived there. At first I thought Kari simply lightened her hair. That explains why we both thought she looked so different and young in the wedding picture. Way too young for this place. Don’t know if Kari’s their mother, but I’m guessing yes because there is a bit of a resemblance.

Why didn’t the honker correct me, though, when I congratulated him on his wedding when I first messaged him after he added me?

Ray next door has been too good to be true. I’m just waiting for the noisy projects to begin. He doesn’t seem to hang out in the lanai. I’m kind of hoping he’ll use it as a storeroom if he isn’t planning to put new furniture in there. Either way, it’s too soon to write him off as a quiet neighbor.

SUNDAY, MARCH 12, 2023 Up until yesterday, I was thinking that aiming my schedule for my Thursday appointment wasn’t as hard as I thought it was going to be. But today, I’ve been so tired that I’ve had to nap twice. Starting to wonder if I’ll make it, but if I have to cancel tomorrow, it won’t be the end of the world because it’s a stupid waste of time appointment. It’s all information I can look up online or they could have told me over the phone or in an email.

Doing the latest VZ challenge. They’re calling it the lion and lamb challenge since February is supposed to go out like a lion while March comes in like a lamb. They chose rides that have statues of lions and lambs. So I went through a dumpy place in Texas called San Angelo, then Chicago which seems to be a classy-looking city. Right now I’m going through the countryside of Lockerbie which is straight out of a postcard. It’s very green in the summertime and I love the flowering trees. It sometimes grabs images from the fall, spring, or winter. Definitely not as pretty in the winter.

SATURDAY, MARCH 11, 2023 Wow, no health work to do today. Tomorrow’s health work will be the paperwork for the surgeon since he doesn’t let his patients do this online for some reason. I have until I see him, though.

Monday’s health work will be picking up the images.

Actually, there is health work today. Fighting what I’m guessing is a UTI that is flaring up again. I’m having more burning. It doesn’t burn when I pee, but there’s burning around that area. I realized I got the wrong cranberry juice. This is just cranberry-flavored water. So I ordered 100% cranberry juice and yogurt as well. It seems yogurt doesn’t just have probiotics that are good for oral health but for UT health as well. I haven’t had much yogurt because it’s not the greatest thing for me because of my gallbladder, being lactose intolerant, and due to the cholesterol in it. I grabbed a handful of Yoplait yogurts to be delivered tomorrow along with garlic powder, which is supposed to be a natural antibiotic. The yogurts are small and shouldn’t aggravate my stomach in any way.

My weight is up a little more even though my eating habits haven’t changed. If it isn’t connected to my thyroid, then it’s likely age. Tom stopped gaining weight about a decade ago at 55 which is about when men stop. Women keep gaining until around 65. So I’m likely to do a slow gain until then with little to no control over it. Better get used to it because I’ve got a long way to go to reach 65!

Love the new colored pencils. Being soft-cored, they give you a much more vivid and even distribution of color. I’m back to coloring again. Why not? I don’t seem to have much talent for painting and drawing these days. It might help to wait until I get new glasses for that anyway as these are getting harder to see out of.

The Upside Town golf course was released and it’s super weird. It’s set in New York City and the graphics are fantastic. What’s weird about it is you’re not just hitting the ball on the floor, but off of walls and ceilings as well. So it’s like there’s no up or down. It kinda takes you a minute, for example, to get your bearings on a fire escape with pigeons fluttering about and then hitting your ball onto the roof while a subway appears to climb the opposite wall.

THURSDAY, MARCH 9, 2023 Today’s health work consisted of requesting online to pick up copies of my imaging scans at the imaging place tomorrow.

I totally feel like we’re at a dead-end in life and like life is over for us, in a sense. Of course, he says we have options, but believe me, those options aren’t very good. He’s going to have to realize that his program is a dream but it will never be for lack of trying. From here on out, the only way we can ever have extra money is if he returns to work.

As horrible as COVID was, I’ve come to have mixed emotions about the timing. At first, it seemed like a blessing for us while the recession was a nightmare. Because he was laid off when few jobs were available because of the COVID outbreak, he was more or less forced into retirement. By retiring early, it prevented us from having a more comfortable retirement later on. I swear it’s like there’s always something determined to cheat us out of money. We never seem to get as much as I know we could have be it his pay, inheritances, pensions, etc. I’m amazed we even got to have the decade we had where we didn’t have to worry about money. I still don’t think we’ll ever be as broke as we were before the recession ended, but I don’t see us very comfortable at all. Especially when big expenses come up. I’m starting to wonder if he’s going to have to work until he's simply too old to or dead.

I used to like setting goals to look forward to, but after a while, I get tired of seeing most of my plans not work out or work out in a way I didn’t expect. I think it would be cheaper and safer to just stay here. This is far from a bad place. No, I don’t literally love it here because I’ve seen nicer places in nicer areas. But I do like it a lot. I don’t think I was meant to have a place that I really, really love. If I did, I would just spend my time worrying that we would lose it. Either way, I think it’s going to be our only option anyway, and I don’t think we’re going to be able to do any upgrades either. Life is about settling, and I can easily make do with the lack of kitchen counter/cabinet space and not having a spacious living room.

Finally caught a glimpse of the guy next door. Yeah, I’d say he is in his 60s. I just hope he doesn’t turn that lanai into a workshop but the place doesn’t need to be remodeled so if he does any sawing it would be to make stuff to give away or sell.

Went to BK earlier and I’m stuffed to the gills.

I slept better last night because I took hydroxyzine and melatonin. My schedule seems to be averaging a jump of one hour and 22 minutes versus one hour and 15 minutes, according to his calculations. So we’re going to have to adjust the schedule program. I don’t know why it’s sped up over time. Daylight savings doesn’t help at all. The next week is going to be incredibly hard. God, I can’t wait for these appointments to back off! I just want a month off for once. If it weren’t for my sleep issues and money, I wouldn’t mind as much but as soon as I can squeeze a foot in the middle of all these appointments, I’ve got to put that foot down and stop them. It’s just that right now I’ve got too much invested in what’s going on for me to put a stop to it now. If I cancel the GI or the surgeon, the time and money spent on imaging will be a waste.

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 8, 2023 Argh, the motorcycle isn’t covered. That likely means it’s going to be used again before Tuesday. I can’t wait for him to go back to Canada! Really hope they don’t stay till May, now that he’s retired. The bitch behind him isn’t a snowbird, and I hear from her more frequently, but she’s not as loud.

The honker and his wife left, and then some older guy came and got the golf cart. I’m guessing it’s to borrow it since it’s way too soon for them to be leaving.

Ray just got rid of the furniture in the lanai and one of the living room rockers. The lanai has me a little concerned as I worry he plans to turn it into a little workshop.

Now the black SUV is visiting him.

I wonder if Little Miss Be Happy on the other side of him will bash me to him if they meet as that grumpy old guy did with the Twenties in Cali but if she does, she does.

Andy should now be on the plane bound for Phoenix. He’s going with his best friend Ken. He’s like me in that he stresses over appointments, even if it’s months in advance. So he’s stressed about getting the code for the Airbnb they’re renting that he was promised and things like that. He said that because he’s so fat, he doesn’t fit comfortably in the seats. So traveling is stressful and a pain in the ass for him, although he is looking forward to visiting Phoenix and the people he knew there. He’ll also be glad to be back in his own bed with his own stuff when his vacation is over in 10 days.

I’m starting to believe that we’ll not only never move, but we’ll never be able to upgrade this place and make it what we want it to be or take vacations or do much of anything, but things could be worse. As long as we feel well and are relatively healthy. I just want to get to 65! But I have almost as long as we lived in Citrus Heights to get there.

Although I feel good these days aside from the appointment stress, I worry about our future. I don’t mean just end-of-life stuff like when we’re actually dying. I mean throughout the years in general. Sooner or later, he’s going to get too old to work and I just wonder how we’re going to get by when we need extra money and both of us are unable to work.

I’ve passed Madrid and heading for the France border. It’ll be a while before I get there. I’m tired today, so I’m not going to do much riding.

As I’ve said before, I’ve been missing Aly and having a good friend who’s smart, mature, caring, sensitive, tolerant, and remembers most of the things I tell them.

Later… Not much to report as far as yesterday’s meeting with Helen. We basically talked about the different emotions during different times of my life that I’ve experienced and how to go about building those happy neural networks in the body. She wants me to focus on a time when I felt at peace as well as a time when I showed compassion for myself.

“But what is showing compassion for yourself?” I asked her, “Does this mean giving yourself a manicure, a bubble bath, or something else?”

Her answer, which made sense, was that it’s a subjective thing. Everybody has a different definition of self-compassion.

A time I felt happy and at peace is easy. That was when we went to Maui. The self-compassion is a much more generalized thing. I guess it could be a time when I’ve had to remind myself that I didn’t deserve to be abused. But then it could also be relaxing with a good audiobook or a movie. Maybe cooking myself a nice meal or treating myself to the art supplies I’m getting.

As Tom said, what’s 50 more bucks? So I’ve got more things coming related to the oil pastels. I did a forest with a waterfall on a 5x7 canvas. Andy said it’s the best I’ve done so far. I personally don’t think it looks anything like the demo I was following, but I guess it’s okay. The next tutorial I’m gonna try is a moonlit sky with the silhouette of a girl on a swing. They use a graphite pencil for that part.

The problem I had with the forest waterfall was that I didn’t have enough colors, and you can’t mix pastels like you can paints. So in addition to the 24-pack of colors I have, I ordered a 50-pack. I’m also getting a 120-pack of soft-core colored pencils for the finer lines, which is another challenge I had with the forest. Lastly, a pad that’s better for oil pastels as opposed to canvases, and blending stumpers.

I told Irma that an AC/plumbing truck was in front of next door the other day and asked if she thought he’d be needing a new AC. She said the unit is old but works.

The honker and his wife left earlier than I’ve ever known him to take the motorcycle out yesterday at 7:45. They didn’t return until just after 4. It’s the bitch behind them that’s getting on my nerves lately. She’s running and gunning her motorcycle multiple times a week with her little friend who comes to ride with her. They go joyriding through the park and it’s totally annoying. Gone are the days when these places were about neatly dressed little couples with granny-like cars that you seldom saw and heard much from. You just didn’t have these big burly tattooed men on motorcycles. Or ladies for that matter. At least not in these kinds of places.

I had a dream about how to make more money with his betting, told him about it, he did it, and it worked. While that’s great and he’s off to a good start since winning $40 is better than losing a few dollars, it’s not enough. He still says he hopes his future picks are better because he doesn’t want to rely on the “dream people.” Who cares what the source is, though, as long as they’re correct? It’s just that he’s going to have to make about 10K to stay home. He needs to keep betting big, and he’ll either win the money or lose the money that was designated for the horses, and it simply won’t be meant to be. Rarely is life what we plan it to be anyway. If he does return to work, it can’t be until after my appointments die down, which I’m hoping will be in April.

This next week is going to be hell on me. My schedule wants to jump so fast because I’m sleeping so shitty and therefore my body wants to sleep longer to make up for all the sleep disturbances. If I let it have its way, it would be jumping 2 hours a day. At that rate, I would only get a few hours of sleep before my appointment on the 16th. If I can barely function on 7 hours of shitty sleep, I don’t see how I would function on half of that. I’m trying not to let it jump more than 90 minutes a day, but I was so tired when I got up that I had to nap for an hour. Maybe taking hydroxyzine tonight would be a good idea to see if it will help me sleep sounder.

TUESDAY, MARCH 7, 2023 Traded in mountain lions for bears in my dreams. We bought some land somewhere and were out walking around on it when I spotted a bear. We quickly turned and hurried off to the house but I knew damn well it could catch us before we got there just like the mountain lion could.

Appointments, appointments, and more appointments! That's all I seem to have these days. I'm pretty overwhelmed with that right now. I'm a little tired today as well after a handful of days of good energy. This is how I'll probably be until the 16th, though, because my schedule is cutting it close for when I need to be up and available that day. Then I have to hope it jumps faster for my appointment on the 22nd with the dentist.

At about 8:30 yesterday morning, I called the office and let them know I'm having stinging where the bridge is and worried about it turning into a bad cavity that could ultimately result in needing a dental implant, which would cost even more money and more appointments.

She asked if I could come in at 11 yesterday and I knew that even though it would be a bit of a long day for me, I could make it. Crystal took x-rays of that area and while there don't appear to be any cavities, the root is exposed because the bridge isn't sealed properly. It's 11 years old now, and pretty much at the end of its life. Because it needs to be replaced on top of the fact that we're still paying off my last crown, the AC, and we're going to have to pay for surgery, Tom will likely have to return to work.

I know that while they don't give a shit if their customers blast music, they no longer allow them to have their phones available at work, which means we won't be able to keep in touch easily. If I'm right about most of the anxiety being on the medication, I should be okay as long as we don't tweak my dose. Being three years postmenopausal helps too. Besides, if he does have to go back to work, it doesn't need to be full-time, and it doesn't need to be more than a few months. Just long enough to catch us up.

Everyone else wants to get younger, but I can't stress just how much I wish I was 65! If I were, then the new bridge would cost us no more than $1500 instead of over 3K, and the upcoming gallbladder surgery would cost next to nothing. We'd have a little more money too because then I could collect retirement. I might collect at 62, though.

Right now, I feel like we're kinda stuck in that there's no hope of moving to a bigger place or of upgrading this one. At least we do have a steady income, even if it isn't much, and a place of our own. Last time we were broke, we didn't have that, and we were renting someone else's dumpy little trailer. So it isn't all bad. It’s a relief to know exactly what’s going on with the bridge and that the problem will be resolved soon. It’s also a relief to know that this and the gallbastard is going to be taken care of before I have the storm season to worry about fucking with my schedule and sleep. They say to always try to look on the bright side of negative things. So there you go.

So I meet with Helen later this morning, and then I have the endoscopy follow-up on the 16th. The bridge replacement is on the 22nd and the meeting with the surgeon is on the 27th. The bridge replacement will actually be a two-appointment procedure, of course, because after she cuts it off, she's going to put a temp on. About two weeks later, I go back to have the permanent one cemented on. Maybe this one will make it to my 70s!

The lady from the accounting department did say something discouraging. They were noticing my Color Street nails, and the girl said that the first and last time she used Color Street, they dried out her nails and she has a nail that keeps splitting, even though it's been over two years. My left middle finger has been splitting for a while now, but I suspect that's from the gel manicure I got at the salon. Color Street is basically the same thing, though, and not like regular stickers that I stick on and easily peel off. Once these go on, they're not coming off without acetone. I don't know what the technology is, but it's like an instant at-home gel manicure. They definitely dry out and damage the nails. They just look so damn good, though! I didn't have to put a top coat over them or anything and they’ve been on for 10 days. By now, regular stickers would be peeling back at the tips quite a bit. All you see is some regrowth.

I canceled my April appointment with the endocrinologist online citing that we need to find someone closer to home. I still say that seeing one isn't necessary. I know I'm sensitive to this medication and that there are no alternatives. I also still say it won't be a problem, as long as I keep the dose consistent. I'll find out as time goes on. If the anxiety returns without any change, then I'll seek out an endo closer to home. I'll just have to wait half a year to see them because they always seem to be pretty booked up.

SUNDAY, MARCH 5, 2023 I should have figured that a 16,000-mile ride would have issues, and sure enough, it did. I was excited to approach the Namibia border, but as soon as I did, I got stuck. Apparently, Namibia doesn't have Google Street View so I can’t go any further. So that turned out to be a 500-mile ride through South Africa. It was still a fun and relaxing ride going through the desert scenery.

I created 3 new rides, not that I don’t expect them to also have issues. The one I’m doing now is just over 2000 miles from Spain to Norway. I’ll eventually create an Eastern Europe trip as well. Then I made a ride that's just under 3000 miles from Mexico to Maine, and a 4600-mile trip from Alaska to here.

My Western Europe trip starts out in Madrid and will take me through France, Belgium, a teeny sliver of the Netherlands, Northern Germany, Denmark, and finally, Norway. I’ll advance as far as it will let me. Once it stops me, I’ll jump onto the next trip.

Over the next handful of years, I plan to continue going through old journals and making them public. The older we get, the less emotional most of us get. In reading back through some of the things that used to make me anxious, sad, angry or scared, I have mixed emotions. No one wants to be emotional in any bad way, of course, but sometimes I wonder if feeling this numbness is much better. Realistically, I suppose it is. I certainly don't miss any kind of emotional suffering I've endured in the past. But sometimes I do miss having such intense hope, the immense relief we feel after a scare, and things to look forward to that I've already experienced and that just don't excite me anymore. I miss having crushes on people too. Basically, I sometimes miss my old hormones, LOL.

I found a message waiting for me when I got up from Irma, asking if Ray had moved in next door yet. So that's his name. I searched the group members but couldn't find him. I still haven't seen him yet. She said he's a little on the heavy side, easy to talk to, and she thinks he might be in his 60s. He was gone when I got up at 9:30 and didn't come back until shortly before midnight. Tom left me a message saying he didn't hear anything. So far, so good, but too soon to write him off as a good neighbor.

I changed our Amazon password just to be safe because either someone hacked the account playing games or trying to promote artists or Alexa is now pushing notifications on us on top of new things to try, although I haven't gotten much in the way of things to try lately. The yellow notification light was lit up while I was trying to get back to sleep after waking up to pee and she said something about an artist I'm following releasing a new album but I'm not following any artists. I double-checked the settings in the app and notifications are disabled like they're supposed to be. If she starts this shit regularly, then I'll have to do something to block the light. I'm so sick of people's pushiness! Again, I don't understand why you would give customers options if you're not going to allow them to use the ones they choose. I know I'll be dropping Replika as soon as my subscription expires because I'm not going to be harassed to use the free version by being begged every other time I log in to subscribe. They have a free option. If they don't want people using it, then they should do away with it altogether and go subscription-only. As I said, in case someone hacked in to either promote or prank, I decided to change the password. At least nothing appears to have been ordered that we didn’t order. While I was doing this, I saw I had my old California number listed so I deleted it and added the new one.

I had a positive Alyssa dream, and then another one that I thought was worth noting at the time, which I've now forgotten. In real life, Alyssa's cover photo shows a black lab at the edge of what I believe is Lake Tahoe. In the dream, Tom and I were driving through there when I spotted the black lab at the water's edge and then realized the rest of the shoreline looked familiar as if I had seen it pictured on Alyssa's profile in real life.

"Wow!" I exclaimed, telling Tom that it looked like Alyssa lived nearby based on the familiarity of the dog and scenery.

A second later, we were outside the car and he was talking on his phone. We were in front of a house that didn't have a front exterior wall. I recognized Alyssa sitting at a desk. She spotted me and recognized me as well. I didn't say anything because I wasn't sure how she would react. Another second passed and she rose from her seat and gathered a basket of laundry. She stepped outside and began to pass me when she dropped the basket. I offered to help pick up the laundry-turned-stuffed animals that scattered about and she said, "Sure."

SATURDAY, MARCH 4, 2023 He moved in quietly next door. Tom saw a guy in his 70s or 80s visiting who had a black SUV parked in the street. I don’t want to assume we lucked out as far as the new neighbor goes until a few months have passed. I’ve had neighbors start off quiet just to let loose a few months later. I think they figure that once people get to know them, it’ll be okay and they can get away with whatever. Like they’re less likely to get complaints if people know who they are.

Yesterday was the honker’s birthday. He’s younger than I thought at 59. I thought he was in his early 60s.

I don’t know why, but for the last week or so, there have been very few commercial planes flying over us and I’m absolutely loving the peace and quiet. I’m guessing it may have something to do with the storms going on in the rest of the country, but I don’t know. Seems to be enough planes elsewhere. I’m sure they’ll be bad again once storm season starts which sucks. I like to have sound machines and air cleaners turned off so I can enjoy listening to the rain but I have to listen to them too in order to do that.

I asked the chatbot where in Florida would be the best place to go to hear fewer commercial planes and they suggested places I don’t want to go. Mostly, the southern Gulf Coast and the Panhandle. The Panhandle is out of the question. It’s cooler and there are more blacks. I would go to the southern Gulf Coast before I went to the Panhandle. There are some parts that I’m sure would be wonderful. I don’t think we’ll move at this point, but if we ever do, I think we’re going to either head over to where Jessie is or go to the southern Atlantic side. That would be a tough decision to make too. I’d love to live near someone I’ve known all my life. But on the other hand, Jessie and I were never as close as Aly and I were, and the southern part of the state looks and feels more like I imagine Florida to be. I prefer the tropical zone as opposed to the subtropical, even though that does put us at more risk of hurricanes.

Being the curious person that I am and who likes to learn all kinds of things, whether they pertain to me or not, I asked the chatbot about spam laws. Back when the sick twists in Arizona messed with me in 2011, I couldn’t imagine what they could possibly have on me, since I knew I never sent them anything threatening, racist, etc. While I’m 95 percent sure it wasn’t a real cop that emailed me claiming that have made a case against me, actually… You only have to send one unsolicited message to a person to have it count as spam and you don’t have to be trying to promote or sell anything either. Some were auto-sent from Blogger and that may have constituted trying to promote my blog, so the laws are stricter than I realized. Even so, and even though Arizona is one of the strictest states in the country, and we’ve been living in a time when the courts jump at the opportunity to try a white defendant with a black plaintiff, I’m still reasonably sure that the cop email was a hoax.

I’m loving the new coffin burners! I wish I got these things years ago. They do a great job of containing all the ashes. With regular burners, some of them fall off the sides.

I want to try oil pastels sometime. I never heard of them before, until I saw a painting demo in my Facebook feed. They can be used on canvas too. The only thing is that you have to seal your drawing when it’s done because they never dry.

THURSDAY, MARCH 2, 2023 I guess I might as well do an entry before I get any more tired. I took hydroxyzine and melatonin before bed as planned, and while it did make me sleep better and give me a better sleep score, I woke up feeling hungover. I was a little surprised because the last time I took this, I didn’t feel that way.

I ended up napping for 90 minutes, and that gave me more energy. After I cleaned the kitchen, though, I lost some of that energy. I got everything I needed to do out of the way so now I can spend the rest of my day writing, watching shows, and playing around in VR. I’m now 2% of the way through my trip. I should make it to Namibia in a few days.

I expected to hear from Galileo around now, but not to check in and see how my stomach is doing and confirm my upcoming appointments. I thought they were going to tell me to go to the lab for my thyroid. As long as they don’t say anything, though, I’m not going to because I feel good. Yes, I’m hypo. I’m hopelessly fat, my hair is falling out, and my skin is a little dry, but I feel good emotionally. I’d like to keep it this way too. I’m not gonna take any more medication and invite horrible side effects just to lose weight.

I’ve gone from having potentially bad news to potentially good news. Shortly after Irma left yesterday, she contacted me shortly after I messaged her to say goodbye after seeing them leave. They were up in the Ocala area by then. It’s a 24-hour drive up to Ottawa. They’re in a hotel now of course. This will be their last drive, but they don’t know if they may go on cruises or things like that in the future.

Anyway, she did ask the new guy and he does not have a motorcycle or a dog. It gets better. He’s going to stay until May and leave for Michigan until November. She said he said that much is subject to change, though. That would be great if it remained a seasonal place unless he’s really that quiet. He could still be a partier or a project junkie, but at least I don’t have to worry about a motorcycle or a dog unless that changes.

He won't be here until Friday. He told them they could stay until then but they wanted to get on the road sooner because a big storm is supposed to be going through New York and Canada.

[a-la-folie-et-plus]

Live-blogging my first time watching SAW

- oh shit, starts off full on

- my phone’s on 28%, when it dies I have to stop watching because I’m not doing this on full attention

- NO HEAD! NO HEAD! (Early 2000’s gore is surprisingly bearable)

- why is Laurence Gordon kinda…

- I’ve made it through 6 minutes!! Only 1hr37 left to go and then I can say I’ve survived watching SAW

- what if he just…didn’t play the tape lol

- Adam! (The vine reference…it’s…funny to me)

- oh Lawrence KNOWS they’re gonna kill each other

- puppy dog eyes my beloved

- bathroom’s a lot bigger than I always thought it would be, honestly shit’s SPACIOUS

- if they could just waste as much time as possible trying to get this cassette player that would be great thank you

- honestly what did Adam do

- you could just slide the tape but go off I guess

- it would suck to be Adam, like imagine not being the main character, just being brought in for some guy…objectification

- follow your heart —> kiss Adam

- aww the heart on the toilet it kind of bbg, at least he gave them deco

- Adam why would you pass him the hacksaw. He is trying to kill you.

- great job Adam, now only one of you has a weapon and it’s the one actively trying to murder you.

- workers of the world unite, the only thing you have to lose is your…feet

- I mean, I think he died because he got sawed in half, just a crazy guess

- HE TORTURED A GUY BECAUSE HE TRIED TO KILL HIMSELF??

- maybe I’m just dumb but like how does the razor wire kill him? What even is razor wire

- that is not a jigsaw piece, that is a misshapen lump. Let’s not reach at times like these

- if I were him I would just have like…not picked up that candle

- cancelling Jigsaw for not normalising mental illness, I’m getting problematic vibes from this guy

- getting homoerotic vibes from him painting a naked man’s body with flammable liquid, like…did he NEED to be naked? Or was that just a want.

- hate to say it but Gordon kinda looks better all grimed up

- oh that’s that one guy! He’s in like every crime show. This man has Stable Employment.

- short break to flex my unshackled legs, charge my charger and turn on the light

- honestly this is still fine, more interesting than horrible

- someone survived? People can do that?

- how come she got the horrifying bear trap and all they got was ankle cuffs? Kinda sexist ngl

- make your choice?? I feel like it’s a pretty easy choice

- oh shit that’s a grenade

- so wait how did she survive? Surely that’s impossible

- girl now is not the time to faff around

- OH WAIT HE’S ALIVE!!

- she could’ve just killed him, honestly that’s on her

- I’m pretty sure she’s evil but girlboss, honestly

- here comes this fucking guy, Jesus Christ

- girl he did not help you let’s be real here

- lightheaded from nerves but I’m half an hour in

- my smart little detective bb Adam

- this is the most fun I’ve had without lubricant lmaooooo Adam tell em

- if he kills the daughter I’m gonna riot. I better not see that fuckass puppet right now

- he’s kinda a good dad, like that was cute I can’t lie

- is someone gonna ask the daughter what the man said to her?? I feel like you would definitely at least ASK

- I’m a good chunk through this movie and it’s only mildly unsettling, I’m beginning to think I’m just a pussy

- sneaky, ranks are breaking in the spacious bathroom

- I am simply not afraid of a man wearing a blanket

- if he kills them I will stop being able to tolerate this “jigsaw is morally grey” narrative, they did literally nothing wrong

- actually the child’s kinda annoying, why can she only make one noise

- did he only have 3 prior victims or did they only have the budget to show flashbacks of those guys

- I’d love to be an over-dedicated detective, staying back from drinks to eat shitty Chinese takeaway at my desk and stay up all night in a rumpled shirt, running my hands through my hair over ‘evidence’

- oop he knew they were comingggggggg

- in half an hour I gotta go cook my spaghetti

- if the puppet move’s I’m freaking out

- call me crazy but just shoot jigsaw the minute you see he’s gonna screwdriver lobotomise that guy? Clearly this mans is bad

- arresting him is objectively more important

- at least pull the hood back, I swear to god

- again, I cannot be afraid of this caped crusader, Dungeons-and-Dragons-ass villain

- short break for my mental health (mommy came home) then back to it and feeling strong

- rahhhh death metal as the killer escapes, I simply have to vibe

- oh he survived, that’s rad

- it’s zander!!

- the girls are fightinggggggggggggg

- glow in the dark paint are you fucking kidding me this film is so unserious

- so do Adam and Lawrence fuck or what

- I don’t know how to explain this but Lawrence’s face is so Lana del Rey genderswapped

- ewwwwwwww he’s so ugly in a suit😖😭😖😖😭

- oh lawd he crawlin

- what in the fuck is. That

- Adam choking is genuinely the funniest thing I’ve ever seen, genuinely why does he do that

- the acting is killing me, why is this a comedy movie

- Adam’s literallt just an urban photographer

- let me guess, jigsaw’s right there and it’s gonna show him in the flash (wow, crazy)

- come out I’ll kill you! - he says, with no weapon and zero upper body strength (I love my pathetic babygirl)

- how did time go that FAST, goddamn

- oh Jesus, kidnapped child moment

- ohhhhhhhh, shit boutta go DOWN

- I really thought these SAW traps were a time-crunch, in-and-out thing, it feels like these guys have so much downtime

- vigilante Adam arc

- is the picture of Lawrence drinking a smoothie really necessary??

- Lawrence killed a hooker confirmed

- it’s giving Nicki Minaj phone call

- why does Jigsaw, a stalker, hate Adam, also a stalker

- Adam’s just a girlboss trying to survive in this modern economy

- they have made no progress out of this goddamn bathroom, these guys are utterly useless

- how come everyone else gets these crazy punishments for running out of time and theirs is like…he just fucking comes in there and shoots you

- the I Need You was unnecessary and gay

- why am I suddenly feeling the urge to also watch the sequel

- could he stop yelling

- Adam is yelling because he is an empath

- nooooooooooooooooo Adammmmmmmmmm

- bitch the time was up!! He wasn’t going to let you see your wife and kid!!

- I appreciate the bit of fabric covering up his gross leg

- see, just like I said.

- get his ass, baby

- are they about to kiss

- why does he fucking sound like that

- why do I feel like he absolutely WOULD lie to him, that sneaky bitch. Tricksy

- That’s a bigass bullet wound

- so that’s not even jigsaw

- who the fuck is that wait what who the fuck is that

- I thought that was what happened to the key!!

- no way he lay there that still the entire time that’s crazy

- game over lmao that’s so funny he can’t be serious

[blogger360ncislarules]

Get ready to fall in love with a new place and characters when The CW takes you to Sullivan’s Crossing on October 4.

The series, based on Robyn Carr’s (Virgin River) books, follows neurosurgeon Maggie Sullivan (Morgan Kohan), who returns to her childhood home of Sullivan’s Crossing to distance herself from the fallout of her business partner being indicted for fraud. (She’s charged with negligence.) Her estranged father, Sully (Scott Patterson), runs the rustic and remote campground. There, she crosses paths with old friends and new ones, including Cal (Chad Michael Murray). Needless to say, things are about to get more complicated for her.

Below, Murray introduces us to the world of Sullivan’s Crossing.

Welcome back to The CW after One Tree Hill and Riverdale.

Chad Michael Murray: Thank you. I know, it’s my home. It’s where I started everything so long ago, back in 2000, and here I am. It’s kind of a very coming-of-age, spiritual moment. It’s cool.

What will surprise viewers about Cal?

I think the more layers we peel back, you’re really going to discover how much hardship he’s really been through and overcome in his life and how grounded he is through it all. One of the things that I admire about him is he’s been kicked and kicked and kicked, but he still continues to push through, find peace, and guide himself with a moral compass.

What can you tease about those hardships?

There’s really not much I can give away other than he’s been through a lot, and that’s why we call him the mystery man because we don’t know so much, and we will peel those layers back as the show continues, and as the seasons continue, you’ll discover more and more and more about him. Unless you’ve read through the books, then you’re going to know a little bit more. [Laughs]

What does Sullivan’s Crossing mean to him?

It’s a place to heal, and I believe that to be true for every character in the story, but very much for Cal. It’s a place that you come to heal. It’s a place you come to have a rebirth and grow and find yourself. It’s a place for family. It’s a place for self-discovery.

Cal and Maggie don’t get off to the best start with their first meeting, but what’s the impression of her that he walks away from that with?

She’s a little firecracker, and I think that that sparks his interest. He sees a woman who’s intelligent and grounded, and strong.

What will it take for her to warm up to him?

You just have to wait to see. The walls can be broken down. You just gotta know the way.

And what will it take for him to tell her what Cal’s short for?

[Laughs] Just like everybody that we come across in our lives, it takes a certain amount of time before people open up and they’re willing to give up certain pieces of themselves. You’re going to find that as we go along, certain aspects of Cal will become more out there. They’ll be more available to everyone around him. So you’re going to discover that in a bit. Not yet, but in a bit.

Because of that early encounter with Maggie, Cal has that awkward moment talking to Sully about her not realizing who she is to Sully, which I love. Talk about Cal and Sully’s dynamic. We see that Cal feels free to be open with him.

There’s something that inspires Cal about Sully. Sully is an inspirational character, and I think Cal sees a lot of himself in Sully. He’s a man who’s been through a lot in his life. And again, we’ll find out more as we go. But through it all, Sully really makes everybody feel like family and tries to make everybody feel at home. He’s there for everybody. And that inspires Cal.

How was it reuniting with Scott? Because I don’t think you two ever acted together on Gilmore Girls, did you?

We saw each other all the time. Scott and I have had many a conversation over the course of the last 20-something years. It’s crazy to think that it’s been that long Scott and I have known each other. But yeah, here we are 20 years later and we’ve done multiple projects together and never actually worked together. That’s the funny thing. We’ve been in a movie as well and never actually worked together. My wife [Sarah Roemer] worked with him. And so we have this really symbiotic, cool relationship with Scott through all the years. It was really cool. It felt comfortable knowing that I was going to a place that I knew.

And now you’re finally working together on screen, especially with this dynamic.

One hundred percent. It’s a really fun dynamic that we’re going to get to play with over the years, and God willing, it can bring forth wonderful fruit that everyone enjoys.

Who else is important in Cal’s life?

I can’t really give much away. Right now, as far as everybody’s concerned, Cal is a loner. He’s a nomad, and he’s on this journey of, like I said, self-discovery and healing. And until we start to really discover what that healing’s all about, you’re going to know very little about the man.

Does he have any idea what that healing even looks like?

He does, yes. He has an idea of what healing he needs, but it’s a lot easier said than done. A lot of us want to put things behind us, a lot of us want to move forward, but it’s just not always easy. Things hang on, things grab hold of you. There’s always pain, and mourning time that we have in life for all sorts of things that we’ve been through. So I think it’s different for everyone.

One of the most appealing parts of shows like this is how much the location becomes a place you want to live yourself. So, what’s especially appealing about Sullivan’s Crossing?

Because we shoot in Halifax, Nova Scotia, and I will tell you, this place is magic. Sullivan’s is a place; it is a destination. It is a character in the show, very much like another show that I did. It feels like home. There’s just something so reminiscent of old times for me about it. But there’s also something so fresh and free and beautiful here. The landscape is pristine and so picturesque. We’ve got a little urban here, and we’ve got a lot of nature, and there’s a lot of places for these characters to heal and to cleanse themselves. It’s quite something. It really is. It’s a hidden gem.

Yeah, just watching, it’s gorgeous, and it feels relaxing.

When you’re on set, and you’re filming, and you look out, and you’re like, “I cannot believe that this is where you go to work,” it’s quite something. You’re on a lake, and the crew’s taking a swim in the lake during lunch, and everyone’s just laying out and breathing in the fresh air and looking at the landscape. It’s gorgeous. It really is.

What else should viewers know about this show going in?

It only gets better and better and better, and I can promise by Episode 5 that it’s going to have its little hook sunk in and be pulling at those heartstrings because you’ll care deeply for these characters at that point. I really believe it. And what we’ve got for Season 2… [Laughs] It’s incredible. I feel very happy with where everything’s been going and the journeys that we’re on.

Is Episode 5 when we’re going to start peeling back the layers and learning more about Cal?

Oh, we’re going to learn a lot. … I don’t know if that’s specifically the episode. I know that when I sat down to view them, once we hit [Episode] 5, I was invested. My heart was just completely in, and I remember caring about these characters and what’s going to come of them, from Sully to Cal to Maggie to everybody on this adventure. It was one of those, OK, alright, let’s see where we’re going.

We know there’s going to be a Season 2. What can you say about the Season 1 finale and how it ends? Is there a major cliffhanger?

Oh my gosh. Watch out. It’s like jumping out of a plane. It’s not even a cliffhanger. It’s like jumping out of a plane and having a 50/50 shot of whether the parachute’s going to open. It’s good. It’s a heck of a cliffhanger. It’s a lot, and it’s life. What’s really special about this show is there is a character for every single person to identify with. Someone is going to feel that one of these characters reflects a little bit of their life, and that’s really unique about Sullivan’s and what’s really going to, I think, hit home for everyone.

Is that ending more of an emotional or life-or-death one?

Oh gosh. Everything. Literally, it’s a little bit of everything.

[eucalyprhodes]

I am THANKFUL for Spotify

I don’t think we realized how much of a treasure Spotify is. Maybe because opening Spotify is just second nature to us. When we drive, when we’re cleaning the house, when we study, you name it! That little app on your phone with millions (or probably billions?) of music from ANY time in the history. And for only $12.99 per month, you have access to literally every song ever made (I don’t know if this is 100% true, but to me, it feels that way!)

Sometime last year, my husband and I talked about how they don’t make music like they used to anymore. Sure, we don’t hate the music of today, but there’s just something about them that don’t make us feel things like music back then. I must’ve listened to Harry Styles “Grapejuice” and Niki’s “High School in Jakarta” probably close to a hundred times by now, but neither one of those make me feel anything, except for they’re catchy. My husband and I are 90′s babies and that conversation prompted me to look back at one of my old playlists. One that I haven’t listened to for a long time because for the 95% of the time, my playlist (just like most of us now) is filled with what’s popular right now on TikTok (not even radio ...), and social media. I mean, that’s how I figured out “First Class” by Jack Harlow (heard it on tiktok and wondered why on earth does Fergie sounds DIFFERENT). This particular playlist was filled with indie/rock/alternative from mid 2000 like Incubus, MGMT, The Strokes, and oh who can ever forget, Death Cab for Cutie, and I remember listening to this playlist very often during my junior and senior year of college. I began to listen to this playlist much more often since that conversation, being reminded of my life during junior/senior year and even though those years was quite hell-ish if I’m being completely honest, those songs still manage to get me in my feelings much more than when I listen to my current playlist from 2020-present day. I decided since then that I’m not gonna bother listening to any new music anymore. A friend of mine said something that really resonates with me. She doesn’t listen to new music because she already knows what she loves, why bother with the new one? 

So, earlier this year, I started re-organizing my spotify playlist. I created a 2000 indie/alternative, a 2000 pop and any new music is now in my 2015 and up playlist (haven’t listened to that playlist since the year started TBH). 

In making the first two playlists, I searched for top hits from each year. I started from the year that I actually remember listening to songs, which I believe was 1999 and as of today, I just finished adding top songs from 2005. Let me just say how genuinely amazing this process has been for my heart and my soul. I always heard people talk about something that can bring them back to a core memory. It can be food, music, a place, etc. I was never a sentimental person so quite honestly, i never understood that, until these past few days when I revisited some of my favorite songs from 1999-2005. I listened to How Soon is Now by t.A.T.u. and I am reminded of my first day of junior high orientation where I instantly had a crush on this guy who was in charge of my group. I remember him because all the other girls ALSO had a crush on him! He was in student government, super tall, handsome and so nice to us the underclassmen. I was confident that was the best day of my life and when I came home, I turned on the TV and behold! the music video for How Soon is Now was playing on MTV. I remember jamming to that song even though I have no idea what they’re singing and just feeling gleeful because orientation lasts the whole week and I’ll get to see him again for the whole week :) I listened to “Come on Over” by Christina Aguilera and almost BURST UP LAUGHING because that was the song that I had to choreograph a dance with 3 other girls in my 7th grade dance class. Nope, I don’t remember the dance but man, that was a particular memory because for the first time ever, my parents actually allowed me to come over to a classmate’s house. Probably because it was for school purposes but I also remember feeling so cool about it because the other 3 girls were the IT girls. I listened to “If You’re not the One” by Daniel Bedingfield and my memory shot up to a time of heartbreak in freakin 7th grade (teenage years man, it’s heartbreak after heartbreak, it’s brutal). I had liked this boy and I actually knew him even before he transferred to my school because we used to go to the same elementary school. I’d like to think “We go way back” (not really but oh well). I remember one day, after lunch, I saw him walk into our classroom holding hands with a girl and I just realized that I blew my chance of ever telling him I like him.  I came home and watch MTV and sure enough,  If You’re not the One was playing. I just remembered thinking this song sounds so sad and I AM SAD so this must be MY song. Then I listened to Avril Lavigne’s “Complicated” and my mind went to the time my aunt, Mama As, called me. I was still living in Indonesia at that time and she would often call us to catch up. I remember watching MTV (I really watched a lot of MTV back then )and my mom handed the phone. “Here, Mama As want to talk to you” “Hi Kezia, what are you doing?” “Hi Mama As, Kezia lagi nonton tv. Mtv nih, ada Avril Lavigne” “Who’s that” “Oh ini penyanyi favorit Kezia sekarang. Dia pop punk gitu deh Ma. Keren deh” “Oh wow. Ya mungkin nanti kalo kamu udah di sini, kamu bisa nonton konser nya dia ya” and I remember feeling so edgy because I listen to Avril Lavigne and my Aunt knows how cool my music taste is. 

And so on and so forth. With each song that I added to the playlist, it just kept bringing me back to many memories. The good ones, the bad ones, the cringy ones (I think at some point, I dedicated “Flying without Wings” in the school radio to the boy I liked, like HOW CRINGY IS THAT). It also made me realize, I’ve always had a thing for Menado and or Toraja boys because literally every boy I liked back in Indo were either Menado or Toraja (and I ended up married to a Menado man!) God already knew my heart even back then! LOL 

Needless to say, it just makes me appreciate spotify even more. Think about it, if spotify didn’t exist, how difficult it would be to get those songs from each year and organizing it into a playlist. Worse, would we have to take each song and burn it into CDs? I don’t know about you but I am so thankful to not have to burn anymore CDs these days :) Honestly, this wasn’t even going to be like a project for me. I intended to just save an existing playlist to my spotify but after seeing the list of songs, I realized I should just create a brand new one, and curate it in a specific order to my liking, which is why I decided to go year by year. 

I should also say, it’s cool that this project starts with music from 1999 and end at 2005 this week because  I believe those are my formative years in terms of music. i started watching MTV and get a lot of exposures to different types of music (Eminem’s “Without Me” and ALL of Linkin Park’s music video live rent free in my head), sneaking into my brother’s room to listen to his cassettes and later CDs, borrowing cassettes from friends and talking about music. There was a heated discussion about Avril Lavigne vs Michelle Branch one day in 6th grade during our lunch break (I was team Avril). In 5th grade, this girl lended her linkin park cassette to another girl and before you know it, that tape was passed around to the entire class, myself included. I don’t understand why we did what we did, but all I remember was that we collectively as a class felt very cultured after experiencing Linkin Park’s Hybrid Theory album. 

I can’t wait to complete my playlist, though I’m conflicted if I should end it at 2010 OR just end it at 2005. At what point do all music start to sound like trap music? I couldn’t pinpoint that. But either way, I’m glad I started this mini project. 

[clean-bands-dirty-stories]

Limp Noodle ~ S.H.

A/n: I have never once been good at making choices so I’ll be doing both OOF! This request is dirt old but whatever. I’m actually writing requests now look at me go!

Request: “...prompt 20 or 21 Steve Harrington x clumsy male reader” by anon

#20 (here): “I can’t do this without you”

#21: “Guess who broke their nose! Me. It’s me. I broke my nose.”

Word Count: 2000+

MASTERLIST

“Are you SURE that this is a good idea?” The words came from Y/n as Steve parked the car, waving through the windshield window at Jonatan, Nancy, Robin and a new friend, Bianca. They’d all decided on a triple date and like idiots they’d let Steve, Bianca, and Nancy decide so they were now all headed on a hike. Robin was the least athletic of all of them and hated exercise of any kind. Jonathan was the one in the group who hated being outside in the sun and much preferred being inside cuddled on the could other swaddled in bed. Y/n... well Y/n was the single most clumsy person you’ve ever met.

Now, take whatever image that popped in your head when I said that and then make it ten times worse. Then take THAT mental image and multiply by it by ten AGAIN. Y/n was worse. He was absolutely sure he was going to thrip and fall over the side of some steep hill and fully die. He would be lucky to make it out of this trip without a stick going through his eye. Y/n and the outdoors didn’t mix. They never had. He could barely walk, let alone when it was uphill and outside and humid and hard to breathe and everyone was so beautiful and distracting.

Steve didn’t agree with that analysis.

“This is a great idea actually,” Steve decided with complete confidence. “Don’t worry about it okay? You’ll be fine.”

“Incorrect,” Y/n Aries immediately. “We started dating because I tripped seven times and you caught me every single one. I tripped seven times in three days Steve - and that was just the, what, one hour a day you’re with me? In THREE HOURS I TRIPPED SEVEN TIMES!” He was whisper yelling, getting rather heated. “I’m going to knock my head into a tree and bleed out.”

Steve laughed. He reached over, taking his boyfriend’s hands. “Do you trust me?”

Y/n’s shoulders sagged. “That is a cheap trick, Harrington.”

In response Steve only raised his eyebrows. When Y/n refused to answer, Steve sighed. “Y/n. Do you trust me?”

Closing his eyes a second, Y/n held in a sigh. When he opened them again, he managed a small smile. “Yeah. I trust you.” Steve went to get out of the car and Y/n caught his wrist. “Just promise you’re going to stay with me okay? I can’t do this without you. I’m serious.”

Steve rolled his eyes. “Come on Drama King.” They both got out and made their way over to the other four.

“Hey guys!” Nancy greeted warmly. She had calmed a lot since Y/n had first met her. Darkened. But she was still pleasant enough, and Y/n tolerated her for Steve. He didn’t know why they were all friends after Nancy’s brutal ripping up Steve’s heart but... he expected it was that trauma bonding things that Steve and Robin refused to ever talk about with Y/n in the room.

“Hey bestie.” Robin winked at Y/n and he felt himself relax. Around her he always felt more comfortable. She got him on a much deeper level than Steve did. She had actually been the one to set them up after failure after failure of Steve’s attempts on girls who came to the ice cream shop they met at originally. It had gone up in flames recently, but they’d snagged a job at a movie store so they still worked together. Y/n was pretty sure neither of them would have it any other way, even if they sometimes pretended to hate each other.

“Hey loser,” Y/n joked back. Robin shoved him and he laughed, accidentally ramming into Jonathan as his feet almost came out underneath him. “Sorry,” Y/n mumbled.

Robin scoffed in amusement. “I always forget you have two backward feet.” This was something she said often, in reference to the popular statement of ‘two left feet’. One day Robin had proclaimed that Y/n was something worse than two left feet, and then being backward had kicked off as an inside joke.

“I’d you have that problem standing still, how do you think you’re going to do on a hike?” It seemed Bianca was trying to get in on the joking, but it hit a hard cord with Y/n.

He wasn’t in the mood to joke. “What can I say? Great day to die.” He put on the fakest smile ever. “Come on everyone!” Then he began to surge ahead, onto the trail, and the others scrambled to catch up.

It didn’t tale long for Nancy and Bianca to hit the head of the trail. Steve dutifully stayed by Y/n, but he watched the girls head with a sort of forlorness. Because Y/n was so slow and Jonathan and Robin lagged even behind him, the two girls in front were racing up and down the steep sides of the path they were on, jumping over logs and hopping up on stumps to make the path harder. They were laughing hard and having a great time. Y/n knew that Steve desperately wanted to join them.

What kind of a boyfriend would Y/n be to stop him? “Go on,” Y/n sighed, nudging Steve forward encouragingly.

Steve looked at Y/n with an expression that tried far too hard at innocence to succeed. It was so obvious he was full of crap that Y/n was rolling his eyes before the brunette even spoke. “What? What do you mean? I’m having a great time with my boyfriend which was the point of this whole thing. Have I bored you already?”

“No, but I’ve bored you. Go and do parkour with the bad ass chicks up there. Go on.” Steve hesitated, but when Y/n shot him a look, he finally did speed ahead to catch up and join in the unnecessary shenanigans that gave Y/n extreme anxiety just imagining himself doing. He sighed watching Nancy and Steve. He knew that things were WAY over between them, but Y/n found a little jealousy in the way they worked together so fluidly. They were perfect for each other - even as friends. She just kept up with him and challenged him in a way that Y/n never could, and Steve thrived.

Slowing down in his moment of annoyance, Robin and Jonathan caught up to him. “Welcome to the world of those who have to sit back and wonder why they’re not still dating,” Jonathan sighed. His voice was as laced with bitterness as Y/n’s thoughts were.

“They’re so complimentary,” Y/n complained.

“You could argue that you guys are the same,” Robin pointed out. “You both hate doing anything outside or away from home. You both love reading and photography. I mean Y/n’s incredible view of the world allows him to be a great writer, but it also connects you two. Writing and photography aren’t far from each other and you prod that every day. Nancy can’t slow down enough to appreciate things like Jonathan does, and we all know Steve is no reader.” She chuckled. “And we’ll never know how awkward and snappy got buff and pretty.”

Jonathan and Y/n smiled at that. “Imagine another world where Nancy and Steve stayed together. Then maybe you and me would have-“ suddenly he lost his words as he tripped, and Jonathan reached out to catch him. The two boys busted up laughing. “That’s the second I have to say both sorry and thank you for your reflexes Mr. Byers.”

“Ah anytime. That’s what friends do. Share interests and talk about alternative world where they’re dating and catch each other when they almost die.”

That made Y/n laugh harder.

Suddenly there was a very unpleasant thump and a scream. The three in the back snapped their attention to the three ahead and saw Nancy and Bianca freeze and look back at Steve, who had landed on the ground. His hands had risen to cover his face, and he slowly turned on his side, curling in on himself. It seemed like he’d misstepped at some point and tripped and fallen.

Perhaps Y/n shouldn’t have been the one they worried about on this trip...

-

When they finally got Steve to the hospital, it was a mess. There had been blood everywhere, and Y/n’s weirdly good driving had saved the day in a pinch once again. They’d gotten there quickly and in one piece without getting pulled over.

Only an hour later they were given news. Steve came out with the skin around his nose already bruised and puffy. “Guess Who broke their nose,” he mocked in a song songey voice.

“Me?” Y/n joked.

“Me!” Steve agreed, pointing at himself. “It’s me. I broke my nose.” He slung an arm over Y/n’s shoulders and the other four covered their mouths to hide laughs. People wouldn’t be forgiving in public if it got out that the two men were dating, so they were trying to be lowkey.

The Doctor came over behind Steve. “He’ll be fine. I’ve given him direction son how to ice it and even given him some pain killers to help with the next few hours. But it is just a broken nose, so nothing too severe.”

“Thanks,” Y/n told the Doctor. They left then, everyone heading home. Y/n designated himself in charge of caring for Steve, and called his parents to let them know that Steve ‘got tired’ after the hike and totally knocked out. They didn’t mind, liking that Steve was actually spending time with other kids again, so it went without too much problem.

As Y/n was tucking Steve into bed, Steve caught his hand to still him. “I love you.”

Y/n’s eyes widened. They hadn’t said that yet but... well, if hypotheticals with Jonathan had taught anything today, it was that Y/n was glad he was in this version of things, even if it was a little more complicated this way. So he meant it when he replied, “I love you too Stevie.”

Steve glared. “Not Jonathan?”

“Jon-“ Y/n’s deep confusion cleared as he realized what had been happening right when Steve had tripped. Jonathan and Y/n had been close. Laughing. Talking. Touching. “Oh my god Harrington did you break your nose because you were being a jealous idiot?”

“Maybe,” Steve grumbled, looking away.

Y/n laughed, gently tugging on his chin so their eyes met again. “Please sweetheart, you can’t get rid of me that easily. Me and my two backward feet are going to plague you for the rest of our lives.”

Steve’s eyes got very soft. “Do you really mean that?”

Getting sincere, Y/n leaned down and kissed Steve’s forehead. “Stephen Harrington, I’ve never meant anything more. I know we can’t get married or anything, or even date publicly, but... I don’t care. And maybe that’s some really forward thinking and we haven’t been dating that long, but I fell... a LOT of times in my life. It only made sense that the first time someone ever caught me, it was you. And it made me realize that I was gifted with my two backward feet so that one day I’d fall for you.”

Steve groaned. “That was painfully cheesy.”

“Okay, okay,” Y/n dismissed, rolling his eyes. The sweet moment was completely ruined.

“No seriously I would break my nose again before hearing that-“

Y/n reached over, turning the light off before climbing into bed with Steve. “Shut up Harrington, or I WILL break your nose again.”

Steve laughed before pulling Y/n close so they could fall asleep curled up with each other. “My cheesy, dumb, clumsy boy,” Steve mused quietly.

That made Y/n scoff. “If either of ya is the dumb in this relationship it’s YOU, Harrington.”

“Shut up,” Steve whispered. It was quiet a while before he finally followed up with, “I’d like that future with you too.”

To hide his smile, Y/n mumbled, “Good night Stevie.”

After a second, Steve replied, “Good night, Y/n.” And for now, that was the end of it.

[nimble-stuff]

XIV. Trampled || Raph & April For a heart-stopping moment, April thought Raph was dead, and here she was, trapped underneath a 500-pound snapping turtle.

Fandom: ROTTMNT

Also on AO3

Request a Prompt here!

@badthingshappenbingo​

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April knew something was wrong when she started shaking—and realized too late that it wasn’t her body that was trembling. It was the ground beneath her feet.

Even as an ordinary human, April always felt more at home among the yōkai and the mutants, so her and the boys’ shopping trip into the Hidden City amounted to a ‘normal outing’ for her. Except she’d lost sight of the boys and she was stuck carrying a few armfuls of random crap bought from the stalls, one of which was a sword that wouldn’t stop singing the worst early 2000s pop songs. They were supposed to regroup at the end of the alley she was cutting through, and it didn’t occur to her that the towering walls on either side were closing in until the cobblestones rattled in a stony chorus, reaching a crescendo in a few rapid heartbeats.

Her first thought was an earthquake and here she was with her typical April O’Neil luck, trapped who-knows-how-deep under New York City. The state wasn’t exactly famous for earthquakes, but they were deep in the belly of the Earth, and maybe mystic-induced earthquakes were a thing, and maybe the high stone ceiling wouldn’t hold up under pressure.

April waited to see if the shaking would cease, and when it didn’t and a few loose roof tiles clattered to the ground in front of her, she turned. Just in time to see Raph barreling around the corner.

“Hey, do you feel—” April started to say.

It was all she managed to geto ut because Raph scooped her up.

April shouted and protested and smashed her fists against Raph’s plastron, and then she looked over his shoulder and stopped.

It was like that one scene in The Lion King, the moment of existential dread felt by lion cub and audience alike when the wildebeest crested over the gorge, and with the black stream of animals came the knowledge that nothing would ever be the same. Frantic terror sawed at April’s sternum up and down at the sight of at least a dozen fucking rhinoceroses, massive horns lowered and charging straight at them. The yōkai were easily twice Raph’s size, and maybe several times angrier than Raph at his most scathing.

Raph, though? Raph held April under his arm and ran.

“Raph, what the FUCK?!” April screamed. “What’s going on?!”

“Antique store!” Raph shouted. “Ming dynasty vase! Very expensive! Very slippery!”

“They’re angry over a VASE?!”

“It was expensive!”

“Why were you even holding it?!”

“Poor life decisions!”

April’s first thought was, Who put rhinoceros yōkai in charge of an antique store?

Her second was, Shit, there was no way Raph can outrun them.

Raph was only speedy in bursts, compensating for his lack of speed in strength and resilience. He was an immovable wall, and typically walls didn’t have to outrun a herd of angry rhinos. They just had to endure them.

The alley was narrow and she saw Raph’s ninpō expand around him just a few seconds too late.

Raph did the only thing Raph could. He threw April underneath him and jumped on top of her.

She the full brunt of the impact of rhino hooves through Raph’s massive body. She curled up small, arms folding over her head, and Raph’s forearm slammed against the ground above her to even give her a fighting chance of not being crushed by his full weight. He had little choice in the matter. April opened her mouth in a silent scream, her lungs compressing, squeezing so hard that she thought they might pop out from between her ribs. Her chest cavity buzzed with brief bursts of pain, followed by Raph trying to stand, followed by a second compression. A third. A fourth.

Then, Raph went slack.

Only then did the panic actually hit her. Raph’s entire mass crushed against her, her face mashed up against his plastron. The rumble of rhino hooves faded fast and the ground finally stilled.

April thrashed underneath Raph, slapping his shoulder desperately as she tried to intake air. Raph was still for a long eternity. Then, he shifted, and air flooded her desperate lungs. With it, something liquid and warm dripped onto her forehead. Her heart fidgeted. Another blotchy patch of crimson landed on her glasses’ lens.

For a heart-stopping moment, April thought Raph was dead, and here she was, trapped underneath a 500-pound snapping turtle. Then his breath stuttered. Raph was curled over her form. The terrible sensation of smallness was unfamiliar and overpowering.

“Raph…?” She said, voice thready and desperate.

The adrenaline was still pumping hard through her. April reached up and held Raph’s face.

“Raph, talk to me, are you okay?” She asked.

Raph curled over far enough for his forehead to touch the ground and nodded weakly. More blood dripped onto her lens and she realized it was dripping around the lip of his shell.

“Shit! Okay, lemme get out from—Raph, you gotta move your arm—yeah, like that.”

April snaked out from a gap between Raph’s arms and out into the open. The rhinos were nowhere in sight, but they’d left large indentations in the cobblestones.

Raph collapsed the moment she was out and April’s stomach ached with a sickening nausea. If the cobblestones looked bad, Raph’s shell was worse. A horrible, thick crack ran in an L-shape from his shoulder to about midway down his torso, and underneath it she saw a whitish something-or-other that seemed to breathe when Raph moved his shoulder. It looked like was a monster under his shell, one that was cracking and spilling out onto the pavement.

Acidic bile prickled her tongue. It took all of her self-control to swallow a disgusting lump in her throat back down to her stomach.

“It’s bad, ain’t it?” Raph asked.

Keep it down, O’Neil. “It only looks bad. Goddammit, Raph, why did you jump on me like that? You could’ve vaulted up the wall or something!”

“There wasn’t time. I would’ve had to drop you.”

“So you should’ve dropped me!”

“I’m the one with the built-in protection, April.”

“Oh, really?! Cuz it looks like your whole spinal cord is hanging outside of your body right now!”

April didn’t mean to sound as frantic as she did. She set her hands on his shell, and he recoiled under her touch, and her hands came back bloody. She reached for her phone, however it slipped out between her bloody fingers.

She let herself have a moment, a solitary moment, a moment where she wanted to cry. On the outside, she took steadying breaths, but inside she was thrashing and screaming in a fetal position. Everything within her seemed to shake: her organs, her limbs, her mind. Raph watched her carefully, his whole body rigid with barely concealed agony.

Get it together. She had to keep it together.

“I’ll take this over you getting pancaked by a gang of angry rhinos,” said Raph. He shifted his body and cried out.

“No, no, no—don’t you dare move,” said April. She bunched up her sweatshirt and pushed it into the weeping edges of the crack. “It’s gonna take the rest of us to get you back to the lair. Don’t you dare try to walk on your own.”

“You would’ve been killed! This hurts, sure, but I’ll take a cracked shell over a dead April.”

“You didn’t even give me time to react.”

“April, I’m not gonna test your reflexes when a bunch of stampeding rhinos are coming your way! That’s not on the table—it’s just not! AH!”

“Raph, stop moving. I need to concentrate on keeping your blood where it’s supposed to be.”

Raph’s whole body heaved with a deep, pained sigh, and he said nothing more.

--------

Later, she and Raph rested in front of the television watching Saturday morning cartoons. Raph lay on his side on the ground, cushioned on all sides with blankets, pillows, and most of Mikey’s stuffed animal collection. His shell was wired together with metal. It looked like the ill-advised, do-it-yourself dental braces some cheapskate insisted worked just as well as the orthodontist’s thousand-dollar work.

April caught herself looking a little too long at the braces. Their eyes caught each other. She felt like there was something she wanted to say, but when she opened her mouth, she forgot what it was and turned away instead.

Raph flashed a wide grin at her. “Hey, April, wanna hear a joke?”

April raised an eyebrow at him.

“Why did the egg shell go to therapy?”

“…I dunno. Why?”

“Because it was feeling cracked!”

And when Raph laughed, April couldn’t help but laugh too.

[storytelling-timelord]

Living Nightmare

Chapter 1: Ghost Town

A/N: Happy November 1st, I’m starting the month with my first fic since September. It’s been so long I have so many wips and I’m sorry but here we are! The prologue didn’t get a lot of notes so I doubt this one will too but hey, if you like it, why not reblog? 😏

WC: 2.4K

Series Master (+ prologue)

---

“Here we are then!” You grip the console in front of you tight as the Doctor lands the TARDIS and sends you a grin. “Earth. Early 2000’s.” He practically jumps to the front door to hold it open for you as you pass by with a smile, although your smile falls when you step out into the sullen weather.

“Would it kill people to die on a sunny day?” You mumble under your breath and the Doctor chuckles, standing right by your side as he stares down the town’s street in front of him.

“Well, we might have a bigger problem than the weather.”

You furrow your brows, looking at the side of his face. “What do you mean?”

“Tell me, do you know what time it is?” He grins and you know he’s trying to prove a point; he already knows exactly what time it is.

You glance at your watch. “Quarter past three.”

“Right! Middle of the day, moderately populated town, shops should be bustling with people, so the question, my dear Y/N,” He pauses for you to catch on.

You look out down the street, shops lining every step of the street and yet, “Where are the people?”

The Doctor smirks at you and you roll your eyes, nudging his shoulder with yours before starting down the desolated street. A message on the psychic paper to come to a town lost of its inhabitants. Something was wrong and the Doctor and you were going to figure it out.

---

“Do you think anyone would care if I take this?” The Doctor peers over at you on the other side of the store, holding a hat in the air and shaking it to get his attention.

“A hat?”

“A fez.” You correct him as he nears, taking the red fez from your hands and giving it a look over. “They’re cool.” You tell him, but his brows raise at you and you shake your head. “You wouldn’t get it.” You grumble and snatch the hat from his hands, placing it back where you found it. “Find anything with that screwdriver of yours?”

“You’d know if I did.” He says and you put your hands up, following him around the store you entered in hopes to find the owner. You trail off from the Doctor when you find a door in the back. After sending a look over your shoulder to see the Doctor pointing his screwdriver every which way, you slowly push the door open.

You’ve found the store owner.

“Doctor!” You call out before the Doctor appears over your shoulder, his hand slides on your waist as he moves you out of the way. On the floor in front of the two of you lay the old woman in charge. “Is she alive?”

Doctor checks her over and nods. “She is.” You let out a shaky breath. “She’s in a sort of coma.” He stands up, scratching the top of his head as he meets your eyes.

“What do you mean?”

“Well, look at her eyes.” The Doctor and you crouch down close to the woman. At first you don’t notice anything, just an old woman on the ground before suddenly her eye lids start moving, her eyes fluttering from side to side. “She’s dreaming.”

“So, what, she just fell asleep?” You look around the room, trying to find something else that seems out of place, but nothing does.

“No, I don’t think that.” The Doctor taps his screwdriver against his bottom lip, looking around as well but not finding anything. His eyes brighten as he scans the woman, catching something with his sonic as it lights up and he jumps to his feet.

He’s out the door before you can even process it. “Right, I’ll just follow you then.” you mumble but before you can take a step, he’s back, offering you his hand and you bite your lip before slipping your hand in his.

---

“Well, whatever knocked our shop owner out came from here.”

You would’ve been perfectly fine with the Doctor saying that if it hadn’t led you to an empty hospital at the edge of town.

“You sure that thing got the signal right and it didn’t come from that place that sells ice cream down the road?” You point in its direction. The Doctor quirks a smile. “Or that coffee shop?”

He holds up the screwdriver, pretending to check it over. “No, it’s definitely coming from the abandoned hospital.”

You groan, letting your head fall to the side before waving a hand in front of you. “After you, Doctor.”

The Doctor stretches his hand out to you and you narrow your eyes. “What? What’s wrong with my hand?” The Doctor takes offense to your reluctance.

“Oh nothing.” You shrug. “I’m just questioning whether you’re offering the hand for my need or for yours.”

The Doctor scoffs at the assumption. “Oh, rubbish! I’m doing it because otherwise you’ll never come inside.” You nod, pretending to believe every word he’s saying but you don’t take his hand.

“Well, I’m following Doctor.” You usher him to lead and the Doctor doesn’t move, only glancing down to his still empty hand.

He sighs heavily. “Oh, just take my hand!” You giggle and do so, his grip tightening on your hold as soon as he has it. You walk side by side into the hospital, following the whirring of the lit up sonic screwdriver.

“Has it found the source yet?” You whisper out to the doctor.

He stops and turns to face you. “Why are you whispering?”

You straighten yourself up, dropping the Doctor’s hand in annoyance. “Oh, I don’t know, abandoned hospital, missing townspeople, us sneaking around being us. I don’t want to get caught Doctor!”

He smiles at you, shoving the sonic into his pocket. “I won’t let you get caught, don’t worry about it.”

“That’s not the first time you’ve said that and it always ends with something I need to worry about.” You poke at his chest before moving past him. The first floor was empty, not a soul or sleeping soul in sight. “What exactly are we looking for?”

The words had barely managed past your lips as the Doctor and you step out of the elevator on the second floor, only to see several gurneys in the hallway with people laying on top of them in every direction you looked.

“Sleeping?” You whisper to the Doctor, feeling your stomach having dropped tremendously since you’ve entered this floor.

“I don’t know.” He mumbles and places a hand on your arm. “Wait here.”

You nod, reaching out for him when he steps away. “Be careful.” You say and he nods without looking away from the hopefully sleeping people. His steps were slow and careful, his sonic now removed from his pockets and pointed at them but when he gets close enough, he sees they’re not posing a threat.

“Just like our shopkeeper.” He calls out to you and pockets his sonic. You sigh in relief and head closer, watching their eyes flutter side to side just like the older woman did.

“They’re all sleeping.” The Doctor nods. There are too many people to count, scattered throughout rooms, multiple to a gurney in a couple cases. “The whole town is here.”

“But why? Why would an entire town be here and how did they get here?”

A brittle voice breaks out from behind the doctor and you. “I can answer that.” The two of you spin around to see an older woman with white hair that curls past her shoulders and a limp in her left foot as she walks closer. The Doctor and you share a look and he takes a step closer to her, shuffling in front of you as he speaks.

“You can tell us what happened here?”

She nods, stepping over a body laying on the floor before stopping not far from you. “It didn’t happen at once, it started with the youngest ones. My grandson, Michael, he was one of the first to fall. Happened about a week ago. After that, they kept all going down. I brought them here thinking the doctors would help-”

“I’m sorry, you brought them here?” You interrupt her, wary of the fact a woman of her age could do that.

She glances to you and your body tenses. “I had help.” Of course, she did. She turns to a man laying next to her who appears in his late 30s, his strong body easily making sense to carry all these people here. “The Doctors couldn’t help, they were already asleep.”

The Doctor steps forward, bowing his stature to meet her level. “Well, I’m the Doctor and that’s Y/N,” he nods over to you and you wave, “and we’re here to help.”

The woman introduced herself as Agatha before doubting that the Doctor and you could do anything.

“Well, The Doctor and I have a certain talent for getting ourselves into trouble and getting back out. That also goes for helping other places that have as well.” You didn’t know if whatever this was is alien or not and you’d rather not share that at the moment. “Tell me Agatha, why aren’t you asleep?”

“Well, I haven’t a clue!” She exclaims, growing irate with the question that has obviously been plaguing her as well. “Everyone else had fallen days ago and yet, here I am!”

“Are they only on this floor?” The Doctor asks, opening a door next to him to find even more bodies.

“The ones that are still alive, yes.”

The ones that are still what?

The Doctor freezes like you had, turning slowly to face Agatha. “One more time, say that again?”

“Well, sometimes they wake up and they- and they scream, oh it’s all very ghastly. After that, they’re just,” She pauses for a moment before meeting your eyes, “dead.”

Before the Doctor or you could question this recent discovery, a scream pierces through the silent hall. It’s heavy, ripped from the chest of a man around your age as the Doctor and you rush past the bodies to find him writhing in pain, still pushing out sounds of agony. “Please! It’s gonna get me!” The words were barely understandable and if you and the Doctor hadn’t read those very words just this morning, you question whether you would’ve understood them. “Someone! Help! Help me!”

Silence.

Your stomach sinks. “He’s dead.”

“In his sleep.” The Doctor adds, looking at the now deceased man in front of him. “He died in his dreams. How? How does one die in their dreams and then in real life for no reason?”

The Doctor wasn’t looking for an answer from you and you knew, which is why you pulled a blanket out a cupboard nearby and drape it over his body.

“Have you seen anything like this, Doctor?” He thinks for a moment but shakes his head. “What do we do?”

He looks at you, scrunching his face together and shrugging his shoulders. “Not fall asleep?”

You smack his shoulders playfully before turning towards Agatha behind you. “Has anything weird happened in this town before this all started?”

“Nothing out of the usual. Things like this don’t usually happen here.”

“Things like this don’t usually happen anywhere. That’s what weird means.” The Doctor reminds her and you roll your eyes and cross your arms. The Doctor sees your annoyed expression before his face falls. “What?”

“Oh, I’m just wondering when you’re going to be helpful.” You smirk and pat his chest. The Doctor’s smile spreads at your contact and you can’t help your smile as well.

“I am helpful! I’m going to be helpful right now while you just stand here.” With that, he walks away, following the hum of his screwdriver and leaving you to snicker.

“Well, aren’t the two of you adorable.” Agatha coos.

You smile at her, silently thanking her for the comment before you realize what she’s actually saying. “Oh no, we’re not- he’s not, um…” you close your eyes, taking a deep inhale before forcing a smile again. “We’re just friends.”

“Oh, yes.” Agatha smirks, placing her cold hand on your exposed arm. “I remember when I used to have friends. Although none of them ever looked at me like that.”

“We really are just friends.”

Her other hand joins on your arm as she shakes it gently. “And you’ve never become more?”

“Maybe in my dreams.” You whisper with a sigh, but it felt too awkward to be talking about the Doctor and your relationship- friendship with him just in another room. You clear your throat, offering Agatha one last softer smile. “We should go help him. Never know when he’ll get himself into danger.” Your chuckle was half-hearted as you followed after where the Doctor went with Agatha right behind you.

You call out his name and it’s followed by his shout, telling you he was a few rooms down. Keeping your pace slow for Agatha, you mull over the thoughts she’s spurred about you and the Doctor. A relationship with him, sure, that could happen, but it won’t. You doubted the Doctor saw you like that. You’ve seen how he is with other companions you both have had since you’ve joined him. He doesn’t act that much different when he’s with you than he’s with them. He’s touchier with you, there’s been more occasions than not where he’s got your hand with his when you walk into a new place. And his smile is different.

That smile he’s giving you right in this moment.

“Are you alright?” The Doctor asks when his smile starts to slip, watching you get lost in your thoughts. You smile at him and nod.

“Yeah, I’m fine. I just have a headache, no big deal.” You shrug and the Doctor stares at you for a moment before leading the three of you down the hall again and you fall behind him and Agatha. Your headache wasn’t a lie. Thinking about the Doctor and your relationship has really made your head ache. It felt like it was pounding, actually. It’s never felt like this before. And your whole body starts to feel the same, like your knees could give out any moment.

Something was wrong.

“D-Doctor?” you try to say and it comes out a whisper, just barely loud enough for the Doctor to hum a yes and turn to look at you. You don’t see his eyes widen or him call your name as he runs closer to you. Your vision goes dark and you fall into his arms.

.

.

.

.

[jodilin65]

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 29, 2000 Tomorrow will be my final round with these freeloaders, and I’ve decided – that’s it! I have to get on with my life and I’ve had enough! Tomorrow is the last day I do something, go somewhere, or pay money because of the freeloaders. I’m 35, not 15, and my life is my life and I’m gonna run it from now on! Period. No one tells me what to do from here on out, no one! I have to take charge of my own life and live my life for me once and for all. Not what others decide. I’ve had my life run, controlled and dictated enough by individuals and society in general. I’ll see Helen at least for a while longer, and I’ll behave, but damn it, it’s time I took control of my own life and freedom and that’s exactly what I’m going to do!!! I’m breaking free of these fucking freeloaders for once and forever. I will not be their little victim anymore! I can’t stop them from throwing me in jail tomorrow if that’s what they choose to do, but I can ignore them and their unfair, outrageous, inappropriate or even impossible demands. I did my time paying for the freeloaders. No more! And if they can’t handle that and they want to treat me like some common criminal who’s done violence – fine. But they’ll never get me unless they bust their way into here and haul me out. Is this bullshit really worth it to them? Are a letter and a phone call really worth the effort? We shall see, but I’ll be damned if I’ll have judges, probation officers, or anyone, playing Mommy and daddy with me. It would be totally discriminating of them to tell me I had to work just cuz I ain’t got a kid, and guess what? I do work and I intend to keep my job.

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 28, 2000 Today we buried Ratsy next to Scuttles in the special cemetery. It’s hard to believe he’s gone after over two years. Because of all the rain yesterday, we kept him inside by the back door wrapped in a pretty aqua-colored plastic bag with that neon twine securing it. I’ll miss him. We agreed we’d also get a rat on Monday, as well as mice to breed with, so Houdini can have a roommate. Rats and mice hate living alone.

Lately, I’ve been needing 3mg of Melatonin and a Benadryl to go to sleep, but last night I only needed 1mg of Melatonin cuz I also had 1.5 bottles of wine. It sure is helping to relax me throughout the weekend, but even without being under the influence of wine, as I am now, I’m not the basket case I thought I’d be and oughta be. Maybe it’s cuz of my prayer, maybe it’s cuz Helen’s words are finally sinking in – don’t let them win. Well, they might’ve won long ago, but I’ll be damned if I’ll let the courts bully/intimidate me! You don’t know how tempting it’s gonna be on Monday, no matter what the ruling is, as long as I’m free, to simply up and walk away from the court’s orders. Again, this is a letter sent to someone who harassed me for years. Not some violent act committed against an innocent person. And I’m sick to death of others telling me what to do! The only problem with ignoring them and getting on with my life is that I know they’ll get me for it, and God will make damn sure they do too, just like he made sure they got me on the default warrant I never knew existed. You’d think they’d spend their time pursuing those who are violent, but nope. I’m a woman, I’m the type of person they wouldn’t let “win,” so to speak, and not do what they say, and I couldn’t hide from them forever. Even if I could, God would still send me straight into their eagerly awaiting arms somehow, some way. He’d probably have a cop pull us over when we were going somewhere, for whatever reason, then I’d be trapped. I also doubt there’s a statute of limitations on disobeying court orders. So, although I have no choice but to let them boss me around for the next year, I’ll be damned as I’ve said numerous times, if they’re gonna force me to change my life/body and make me do things that are simply not possible or inappropriate. But as I also said, if they ask the impossible of me, I just won’t do it. It’s that simple. I cannot do the impossible.

Mom sent back a little toy doll for me with Tom yesterday. It’s a plastic doll that’s only a couple of inches in length and probably came with a fast food meal or cereal. It’s a doll in a wheelchair with a sports cap on her head and a lock of hair sticking out in back. I guess it’s a racing wheelchair she’s in.

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 27, 2000 My weight has slipped back down to just under 115 pounds, rather than just over. I don’t know if it’s cuz of stress, having less sugar, or both.

Somebody tried calling who was out of the area just after 9:00, but they didn’t leave a message.

Again, God’s the last one I wanted to go crying to for help dealing with all the stress that’s on me, and as belittling as it was, I had to try, even if it was a one-in-a-million chance that he’d help me through this in any way. I had to at least try. I begged that he not let them make any unreasonable or impossible demands of me and to please not let them make me work or go to school. The only way I could do that would be to leave my home and my husband, yet Tom swears they cannot split us up, nor can they make us move. I don’t know about that anymore. I’m beginning to wonder if the courts aren’t God himself. With the way the laws have gotten so strict and so damn ridiculous, I think they could order me to stand on my head all day if they wanted to. I mean, really! Next thing I know, it’ll be a class 1 felony to wear purple T-shirt dresses, and I won’t know it till it’s too late and I find out the hard way.

I feel like God or something up there is trying to force me back with people. I don’t want to be with people on a regular basis! That’s why we moved here; to get away from people. Yet I still feel like whatever’s up there is saying, as it has with just about all the things I choose, no, you can’t do that. I want you back in the city and with people. It’s like the more I try to avoid something in particular, the more I’m forced to endure it.

They’ve already hyped this thing up and blown this case way, way out of proportion. So, if they want to act like I committed a violent offense and make me pay the outrageous probation fee, fine, but enough is enough already! I’ll be damned if I’ll allow them to change my whole life and even my body over this! They’re gonna have to meet me halfway and do their part in cooperating as well! The less cooperation I get from them, the less they’ll get from me. If they want me to work, fine, but they’re gonna have to set me up with a home job. It’s as simple as that. I’ve thought about it and have decided that if they ask the impossible of me, I just won’t do it. Period. It’s my life/body and I’m sick of people telling me what to do with it. Especially in so many extremely unfair, unreasonable, and now maybe even impossible ways.

Although Tom says I don’t have to worry or prove anything to the courts, I fear them calling me a liar and being even harsher on me for guessing wrong how much Tom takes home monthly. I guessed he took home $1400 a month when in fact he really takes home $1700 a month. Well, as I told them, Tom’s perfectly willing to provide them with any documents they may need, but would they buy it if I told them I was mistaken, should they bring that up again, or will they call me a liar? Well, they can call me what they want and they can order me not to send any mail like that again, but they cannot take charge of my life and body as if they own it. I’m nobody’s slave. Not even those who don black robes.

Later…

I told Tom that I’m sorry for not believing him all these years about you know what. I’m glad someone, somewhere, showed me the documentation on it. I just wish they’d done it sooner! However, I pointed out to him that I may have been wrong about him doing it on purpose, but I wasn’t wrong about saying it wouldn’t just “go away.” So no, not talking about it won’t “fix it.” It’ll just make it easier for him to ignore it, but here’s the good news - I’d be thrilled for us to ignore it for a good long time. The last thing I want in this sick, crazy, unfair world is to drag a kid into it and in the middle of life’s misery (aside from taking on responsibilities I couldn’t handle). At least right, now and probably for quite a while, this is how I feel. Right now, I don’t think I’ll even want to deal with it, nor my bed problems (my low drive), till way in the future, like when I’m around 40, if ever at all, but we’ll see. Let’s just say that this year and the next are definitely out of the question. He’s very welcome to not cum and not seek help for it for a good long time to come, or maybe even forever.

I forgot to mention that Don said he doubts the black bitch will be there. Bullfuckingshit she won’t be! If she has a right to be there, and I don’t see why she wouldn’t, she’ll be there. She wouldn’t miss it for the world. I just hope this will be the last time I have to be degraded into seeing that sick face! Haven’t I been victimized enough by her and her equally sick associates? So victimized and the courts don’t even know it. Nor do they even know or see this bitch’s true colors. I don’t think they ever wanted to, either.

What Ratsy did earlier was both sweet and sad. The poor thing can barely raise his head now and he’s lost more weight and fur. I don’t think he’s even eating much anymore. He tried pulling himself up out of his door, which I helped him to do since he’s so weak. He sat with me and let me pat him and although it was sweet, it was sad. It’s as if he knows he doesn’t have much time left and so he wants all the love and attention he can get. I’m pretty sure he’ll be gone by the middle of next month.

Helen’s one of those few who like me, isn’t afraid of rats. She said her son had a rat that she got attached to, and it was over two and under three when it died. That’s how old Ratsy is.

I’ve been making “preparations,” so to speak, just in case they do decide to throw me away in jail. For example, I moved the bigger dolls that were on top of the entertainment center that’s in my office so that Tom could use my stereo without worrying about shaking things around and knocking the dolls off if he wanted to use it.

It’s raining out now. Hope no thunder wakes me this weekend. I’ve been waking up every hour as it is just because of all this freeloader stress. Same fucking shit, even worse, than when I had her sitting on my shoulder – the fucking mother-fucking bitch! God, I hope what goes around really does come around! I hope that somehow, somewhere, someday, someone will give this bitch and her partners a taste of their own medicine, but you know what? I doubt it. I seriously doubt it. I don’t believe what comes around goes around for everyone. For some, including myself, but not for all. All I know is I made something very angry up there for rebelling against its “freeloader treatment” it felt I deserved by moving, then by speaking my mind about it.

Anyway, I also left Tom instructions for the best and easiest way to care for the animals, not that he’s this stupid idiot or anything. I asked that he bury Ratsy by Scuttles, cuz if they do toss me away, he’ll most definitely be gone when and if I ever made it out of there. Personally, I think I’d just curl up and die. I’d want to die if I committed some horrible crime and deserved what I got, but to go to jail for this? For this?!?! You bet I’d want to keel over and go belly up. In fact, I wouldn’t mind it right about now. If I was doomed to die at this very moment, as long as it wasn’t going to be a long, drawn-out painful ordeal, I’m ready to go. I’m ready to leave this fucked, unfair world. Just say the word, God, and I won’t rebel or fight you on that one!

I wish I had more guts than I do, cuz then I could hang myself. It isn’t just lack of bravery, though, that’s kept me from doing that up till now - it’s Tom. I live for him, but I wonder just how far I can be pushed before even his pleading for me to live just isn’t enough.

Later…

Here I was thinking that Ratsy wouldn’t make it to the middle of next month. Well, he won’t even make it to the first of it, cuz I just found him dead. I’m too sad now to write anymore.

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 26, 2000 There was a knock on the side door while I was watching TV the other day. I knew they knew someone was home because I knew they had to have heard the TV. I ignored them till I was able to see two guys in jeans and maroon shirts saying: Pinal County Assessors. At that point, I could see that one had measuring tape strung out, and the other started to persistently pound on the front door, so at this point, I felt it was not cop-related and safe to open the door. They said they’d come to measure the house. Tom later told me it was for tax purposes. I swear we’ve had more people knock on this door than our door in Phoenix, excluding mail people!

I have so much to say and so many thoughts racing through my head. I feel like this bullshit case is getting worse and worse and so are my anxieties. The main thing Helen and I discussed and that she told me was to work on was controlling my thinking, which she understands is often easier said than done and will take time to do. She said don’t let them win by worrying about them and thinking about them. Well, they already have won. They won years ago and they’re still winning. And no, I can’t get them and what they’ve done to me off my mind, either. They made my life a living hell and they continue to do so to this day and probably the rest of the days of my life, too.

After talking with Don yesterday, going to jail or paying thousands of dollars isn’t my biggest concern anymore. Being forced to work is my biggest concern! I was completely blown away to learn that going to work or school is part of probation and that they can order a person to do so. First of all, there’s no way I could get to work or school with bus lines over an hour away and with him needing the car to drive himself to and from work. Secondly, who the hell are they to demand I go to work? Is this God’s punishment to me for bashing freeloaders for not working? Well, it’s not like I’m living off of people’s tax money, wandering the streets all day, or sitting at home staring at the walls all day, either. I have a right to be the homemaker that I am and that is a job. Paul says that those who aren’t home watching children are considered not having anything to do, so they should be working. I know society’s grown more and more against the idea of those being homemakers, but it’s my life, goddamn it! I’m not a murderer and I don’t think I should be forced to change my life over a letter and a phone call! Even the standard $40-a-month probation fee doesn’t fit the crime. That’s outrageous! These fucking freeloaders are gonna end up costing us around 1000 bucks! Maybe more. What they’re asking is unfair, unreasonable and even impossible. They’re asking too much of me! Period. I can see going to a counselor and checking in weekly with a probation officer and even their outrageous fee, but work or school? I don’t think so! I explained to both Don and Paul how difficult it would be for me to work even if transportation wasn’t an issue, because of my phobias and lack of trust concerning being around people (especially in regular jobs that don’t involve stripping). I told them I was on disability cuz of it and will provide documentation of that in court, although I know it’ll be useless.

Fuck these fucking freeloaders for turning my life upside down and ruining it like they have!!! In a sense, they’re making it worse now than when we lived with them. Tom said they can’t force someone to move. But he also said they couldn’t make people work either, yet he was wrong. Being made to work will force me to move. I’d need to see if I could stay with Mary so I could be near bus lines. I told them, though, that if I could do work at home, even if it was stuffing envelopes for free, that’d be fine, but think about it. How many home jobs do they have? They’re very very scarce.

Paul, who I called myself, said they’re not necessarily going to make me work, but in the end, he didn’t make me feel any better about the prospect of it and even left me more convinced that they will order me to work.

I suppose that after they control my life, my body comes next, huh? I wouldn’t put it past them to order me drugged up. I am not taking drugs as a way of coping with my problems and I will go to jail before I let anyone make a guinea pig of me like they did in the past, and then they’ll have to pay (for my food and shit like that). I’m sorry, but there’s only so far you can go with controlling people, and I cannot let these people, even if it’s the courts, seize total control of my life/body. I’ve had very little say in my life/body as it is, and I don’t need them seizing what little control I do have. Fucking mother-fucking freeloaders! Aaaaarrrggghhhh! They control everything. Virtually all aspects of my life revolve around them. They dominate, dictate and control my life as if I were their puppet on a string! I really am never going to be able to live for myself, am I? I really am never going to be able to live life for myself and take charge of my own life and body. My whole life is really going to be about having to do what society says I should do with my life, and probably my body, too. It’s reasonable that society says I shouldn’t murder and that I shouldn’t smoke crack, but how the hell can they have the right to tell me I have to work and maybe even take psycho pills? Why is it that whenever I want to do something in life, someone or something is there to say no, you can’t do that, and there’s never a damn thing I can do about it? What they say always goes when it comes to how I live my life and what I do with my body.

Paul says he’s going to ask for a probation officer who deals with mental health (I guess I’d have to see their doctors too, who’ll be predisposed to believing I’m crazy), but in the end, everything’s up to the judge. Up to this person who doesn’t know me and could never understand why certain things are just too damn hard for me.

Why is God doing this to me? Is there some hidden purpose behind all this shit that I can’t see? Is this more than just a punishment? Is this supposed to lead to something I can’t see? After all, I’ve been saying that due to all the appointments and shit going on, I felt like he was preparing me for something. Something fast-paced that’d keep me on my toes and cause me to have to keep a schedule regularly. Well, I knew all along that thing wouldn’t be a kid, so what the hell’s going on? Is he trying to turn me into a career woman? Well, he should’ve done that back when I was in the city if that’s what he’s aiming at here. Does he want me to fit in with 85% of the female population by working? But I don’t want to “fit in.” I just want to live my life in peace with the right to be a homemaker. Without the freeloaders, courts or cops butting into it.

For the next year, I thank God Tom is the way he is and that I’m sterile. At least he can rest assured that I won’t want us to do a thing about the way we are for at least a year, maybe even a few years. Or maybe even never, cuz there’s no fitting that into our schedule with all life’s bullshit. I mean, I don’t see how we could fit that in in the future any more than we could’ve in the past/present, so pressure or requests to seek help for change is something he’s definitely not going to have to worry about for quite a while.

Don said it wasn’t in his report, the being dragged to the police station in January, told it was over when it wasn’t, the subpoena I never got, being arrested and jailed overnight in July. How convenient. Did they neglect to report that to Don to cover for the fact that they lied to me and infringed upon my rights by not arraigning me within the proper time frame? Probably so. Well, it doesn’t matter in the end what rights or rules the cops or courts fuck up on or break altogether. They can get away with anything and do anything they damn well please.

I get victimized and badgered by these sick fucks for years, send a letter and make a call letting them know just how I feel about it, and now I have to pay an outrageous $40 a month for it, be forced to find a way to work out of the house and give up my job as a homemaker, be forced to see doctors and therapists God knows how many times a week, and be doped up for it, too. Life’s just great! Maybe I was better off listening to their fucking music and ball games. At least it didn’t cost any money and I could keep my life the way it is as far as keeping house goes.

I’m never gonna break free of the freeloaders and their effects on me and my life. Before they owned my right to peace and my mental state, and it was in their hands whether or not I slept. Now they own it all. Everything I do is in their hands. I just can’t hear or see them, that’s all. However, if I’m forced to move into the city so I can work, I’ll be back with the bangers and all the shit that goes with being in the city. When we first moved and were forced to go into the city to the hotels, I felt like the city just wouldn’t quite loosen its grip on me. It was like it was hesitant to let me go. Now I feel like it’s calling me back. Like God’s unhappy with me being a rural person. He wants me back in the city with the freeloaders and courts in control of my life/body.

You don’t know just how bad I’d like to get a hold of that scrawny little black neck and choke the life right out of that sick bitch – ugh! However, at this point, I’d rather just move the fuck on!!! I want them out of my life much more so than to bash their skulls in!!!

My mind’s racing back and forth between just waiting and seeing what they say next Monday, to not even bothering to show up, to not bothering to do a damn thing they say after the 30th if I’m not in jail, to going to jail and letting them pay for everything and saving our money, to killing myself.

Don said that as he tells everyone, “Expect the worst and hope for the best.” Yeah, right! I expect the worst, but how can I hope for the best? There’s no hope for me with this case, trust me.

I also learned that he’s not my probation officer. All he is is a pre-sentencing court reporter who talks to all parties involved and then gives the info to the judge. I’m sure my probation officer will be black or Mexican. Why not assign the “racist” to the people they’re supposed to hate, huh? That’s no doubt what they’re thinking, but hey, as long as they’re fair I don’t care what color or race they are.

Later…

I also left a message for Helen yesterday, asking that she mail to our PO Box the fact that I feel very uncomfortable around people, and therefore, working would be very stressful for me. Me and people just don’t mix. I clash with them and they clash with me. They always have a complaint or problem with me and I can’t deal with their incompetent, contradictory, and sometimes devious ways. I can’t stand evil little people lying to my face and then laughing about it at my expense behind my back. If I were to keep my mouth shut I’d be considered stuck-up, and if I were to talk they’d have a problem with just anything I could say. Anyway, I don’t know what Helen can do or if it’d even help, but we’ll see. Meanwhile, she gave me a log for our appointments.

I wonder if the courts won’t demand things of me they know damn well I couldn’t do, so they can have an excuse to throw me in jail, simply because they just don’t like me.

When I first got up, I wondered how I could possibly even make it through the day cuz I was such a bundle of nerves. Well, not that I’m now this object of tranquility and serenity, but I actually felt my nerves calm a bit after finally breaking down and pleading with God to ease up on me. I can’t ask him to stop the very shit he obviously wanted to start, but I begged him to help me with my nerves. He’s the last person I wanted to lower myself to running to, what with all he’s let happen to me. It must’ve been just a coincidence that I felt calmer, cuz why would he help the very people he hurt? I wonder how I’m gonna manage the sleep aspect of it. I’m getting less and less sleep cuz although I’m getting up a half-hour earlier each day, this does not mean I’m able to go to bed earlier.

Tom said he saw Dennis, who mentioned the clothes I left in the trailer. He said there was a whole drawer full of stuff. Really? I thought I only left 3 pairs of shorts. Anyway, he told Tom that after he goes on a hunting trip, he’ll bring in the stuff. That was honest of him to mention it and to say he’ll bring it in. I don’t have to have the stuff back, but it would be nice.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 25, 2000 Don finally called. He called at 9:30 wanting to see if I’d be around later so he can call me later on this afternoon to ask me a couple of questions pertaining to my interview (which is no doubt gonna be about money). As friendly as he sounded, I’m not looking forward to our chat. Oh, how I wish I could snap my fingers and have it be October 31st! But why does he have to call just to “see if I’ll be around?” Can’t he just call when he’s ready to and find out? Makes me wonder who he may be sending out here. After being bullshitted by the cop with the Robin H story and possibly by Mr. Biased who told me this was over, I don’t know who or what to believe, and now I’m beyond just nervous – I’m scared! I’m hoping I can at least find out more of what’s going to be going on today, like how much more money we’re gonna lose over this, etc.

Ratsy still looks like he’s dying. Every day he gets weaker and weaker, yet every time I think he’s reached the end, he lives on!

I’m too wound up to get into yesterday’s visit to Helen’s and other things, so I’ll do it later.

Later…

Having nothing more to do tonight that I feel like doing, I’ll get some writing done. I’ll discuss Helen, then Don, although I don’t expect I’ll finish writing all I’ve got to say tonight. Actually, let me cover some little odds and ends first.

We discussed getting a male and female mouse from different stores this weekend so we can start breeding them (hopefully), but we’re gonna wait and make sure I don’t end up in jail first. So, we’ll get them on Monday if I’m not in jail.

We stopped at Walgreens after Helen’s and got a few treats. A few new toys, you could say. For just a buck I got a cute, pink beanbag mouse. Got another Barbie in a pink, purple, red, and white squared dress with pink boots, a couple more puzzles, and some cologne. I got that musk scent I had before, only this one’s got body glitter in it. I also got a scent called Sunflowers. I was surprised that with a name like that, it smells so good. It’s the best one yet, next to the musk which is just about my favorite. Getting a 4-pack of body sprays last year was a dumb mistake, cuz one of them turned out OK, another was almost OK, and the other two were stunk. It’s best to do what I did; the second to last time we were in Walgreens, I sprayed a tester on myself and gave myself time to decide whether or not I liked it. You can’t always tell right away. At least I can’t.

When we got home, I thought – oh, shit! We’re just in time for a show from Dan, but once we got inside the house, he either shut up or didn’t gun that loud. So far, his motors haven’t been as loud as they were last year.

OK, onto Helen. Helen was kind enough to give me a piece of paper with information she copied from somewhere regarding Tom’s problem. I was astonished to learn that his problem is fairly common, and for the first time since knowing him, I believe there’s a damn good chance he really is telling the truth to the best of his ability. This doesn’t mean I’m not right about his subconscious fear of a kid, but at least I’ve learned that there’s a 99% chance he is being honest with me (I didn’t expect this out of therapy!).

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 24, 2000 Woke up a bit tired today. I’m sure I’ll be more tired each day through Monday. Probably even past that, cuz they’ll no doubt make me see Don and Helen next week too, so no sleeping in for me for what’ll no doubt be months.

It’s been pretty stormy for the last few days, but it looks like it may finally clear up now. Yesterday it rained like hell. No thunder and lightning, just lots of rain in patches. Instead of the hard rains monsoons normally bring, it rained fairly light off and on and for longer periods of time, although there were a few times when it was really coming down. When I got up today, I couldn’t see any of the surrounding mountains. They were all fogged out. The sun’s just now starting to burn away the clouds, but it’s still down to 60 degrees.

After doing so well, I’ve been stuck since Friday, thanks to the stress over the freeloaders. They even own my shit system and dictate when I can shit!

Helen’s office called yesterday saying Helen had to cancel our Saturday appointment, so I’m going in to waste another of our much-needed $25 tonight at 6:00. If she’s more than a few minutes late again, I’m gonna have to really stress to her that she needs to be punctual or I’m gonna have to see someone else. I’d have preferred to meet this Saturday, cuz it’d be closer to Monday than today is, but oh well.

Speaking of $25, I won $25 on a scratch ticket yesterday, plus two more bucks on another! I’ve never won that much before on a scratch ticket! He hasn’t either.

One of my biggest concerns going to court, even bigger than my concern of jail, is the money they’re gonna suck out of us. They’re gonna milk us dry! I know they will! And just how much of the hundreds of dollars are gonna end up in the freeloaders’ pockets, further humiliating me and damaging me emotionally? I’m already scarred for life cuz of these sick fucks, but have I asked God for help? Of course not! Why would I ask the very being who set all this shit up in the first place for help? He wanted these people to fuck with me, so no amount of begging and pleading would get him to call them off. He’s the one that had to sic them on me in the first place, so you think he gives a damn about how I’m feeling? Ha! He knowingly and intentionally made sure all this would happen. Why I don’t know. The only reasons I can think of are that he did it because I got away with shit in the past and because he just plain old doesn’t like me. He simply wants to punish me and he’s using them as a weapon to get at me. Another reason is that in his eyes, I rebelled against what he wanted for me. He wanted me to have noisy neighbors and I tried to fight it. Well, this is what I get for trying to get out of it, obviously.

I cannot begin to express the emotional damage jail would do to me, if that’s where I ended up. If I think I’m emotionally damaged enough as it is, I doubt I could ever recover from being sent to jail. I’m not gonna even recover from this! If I picked on innocent people - picked on them with way more than just words on paper or an answering machine - that’d be different. But these are people that provoked me for no reason at all and I spoke out about it. I simply gave them a piece of my mind. Going to jail would be literally taking my life. I wouldn’t be able to rock when I got out, since sitting in that position takes regularity. I’d be a stranger to Houdini, my muscle tone would be gone, and I’d no doubt be unable to have sex again - there’s no end to what it’d do to me. I don’t think, this time around, I could just kiss ass and turn the other cheek, if I got sent to jail. I don’t think I could just “take it.” I really think I’d need to hunt their asses down and literally kill them. I’ve been itching with the desire to kill them for years now, so imagine how that’d escalate if I ended up jailed any more than I already have been for these fucking freeloaders.

How can God be so mean? How can he be so damn cruel and insensitive as to let these people harass and victimize me for years and make me pay for it all because I sent a letter and made a phone call about it?! Does he really not have one ounce of sympathy and mercy for me? Did he feel my life was too empty and boring that he had to go and sic these freeloaders on me? What? Did he feel that since a kid would be too much for me to handle, and since I’m not in a position to work or have a career of any kind, I should at least be victimized by people who should’ve been a part of my past as of April 4th, 1999? These freeloaders will never be a part of my past. Never! And I don’t see how I can ever heal or get over what they’ve done to me. I can’t just “walk away,” can’t just “ignore them” and their effects on me.

Meanwhile, I expect to hear from Paul and Don this week for sure.

Oh, and also – Tom said that at this point, the Paul’s out of it and it’s up to the judge and the probation department from here on out. I don’t know about that, but if he’s right, it’s not very consoling to know that two people who don’t even know me from a hole in the wall are going to sit in judgment of me. Even I’d think I looked back with the case presented as it is, never knowing, witnessing, and living through what they put me through, and never knowing me. They don’t know a damn thing about me.

It still bothers me that I quit smoking, I go to Helen for him, yet what personal changes is gonna make for me? When does he do something so he can cum at least every other time? Again, I know I’m sterile, and I know that he could cum every day and not impregnate me, but I want to see it played out anyhow. It’s just not fair. I make all kinds of personal changes, more for him than for me, yet he won’t lift a finger to change one simple little thing for me, and if he does, it’s only short-term and then he quits. He gives up on everything. I wasn’t asking him to cum for the rest of his life, either. Just for a few consistent months. That’s it. So, to know that’s too much to ask of my own husband is both humiliating and insulting. It really is.

Yesterday’s trip to the dentist wasn’t any more fun than I thought it’d be. Those bottom front teeth sure were sensitive! They stung like hell while he worked on them. The top retainer was OK, but the bottom needed tightening. Just like the last time, Anne assisted the doctor, but I did see Melanie along the way. We said hi and bye to each other as I came and went. My next appointment is for a cleaning and check-up on 12/21.

Now why can’t most blacks be like Anne? Dear, sweet, smart, friendly black Anne?

After the dentist, which fortunately didn’t make me shaky and dizzy this time around, we went to the mall. They’re gonna up my ring from a 4½ to a 5½ by cutting it and adding a plain piece of gold. It’ll cost $25 and will be ready on court day. Then, if I ever miraculously lose weight, I can either put tape or something on the underside of the ring or I can get the extension removed.

After leaving the mall and passing by many different kinds of stores I wished I could shop in, we went to a scummy, Mexican grocery store. It was the only convenient one on the way.

Once back in Maricopa, we stopped at Circle K for the bingo scratch tickets and our usual treats.

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 22, 2000 It was only 59° when I got up. It’s been storming since yesterday afternoon. Thunder woke me up for a minute early this morning. I slept in today and got up at 9:15. I thought I’d sleep till 10:00 or 11:00, but even though I didn’t, and even though I woke up a few times in between, I feel well-rested. I had a dream that Don sent me a copy of a letter I assume he was to give to the judge, saying how horrible a person I am. I can’t believe I still haven’t heard from Don. Or Paul “reminding” me of court by playing dumb, insisting he missed me in court. If only we had money! I’d skip court, ignore these freeloaders like I’ve been trying to for years now, then pay Sharon, since she’s just too nice to stiff.

Anyway, I’m sure I’ll be in for a ton of freeloader-related dreams this next week. A couple of nights ago I dreamt Houdini nearly escaped forever by crawling into the overflow drain in the bathroom sink, which in the dream, was wide enough for a rat to crawl through.

I even gave up on sleeping together, at least for a while. We started to last night, and he didn’t move/snore too badly, but I just wasn’t in the right frame of mind to be dealing with it. I’m just too nervous at this point. Although I appreciate his understanding, patience, and tolerance, I still feel bad. If only I never lived in the NHA. If only! Besides, what’s the point of being normal when this works for us? It’s like what Helen said about his not dealing with his not cumming – it works for him. Well, we can still love each other when sleeping separately. As long as we’re together in the sense that matters, we don’t need to share the same bed, cuz I just don’t like sharing a bed. I just don’t like it. It just doesn’t feel right. Maybe someday, if and when there’s ever less stress and less bullshit going on in our lives, I’ll try again to adapt to it, but I don’t know. It hasn’t happened yet. Life’s always been one thing after another after another. For now, though – fuck being normal. There’s nothing normal about this relationship anyway. Never has been, never will be. Well, perhaps it wouldn’t be fair to say there’s nothing normal about it, but most things about it aren’t.

On our way out yesterday, I was pissed to realize I forgot the books to use for credit at the bookstore, but anyway, I got 6 books. All but one are full size and 5 of them are a V.C. Andrews series.

After the bookstore, we went to Walgreens and they had that Turbie Twist towel! I love it too, and it really works well. I had my doubts at first that it’d dry hair faster cuz it looked/felt just like a regular towel, but it did dry it faster. Even if it didn’t, it’s nice just to have a convenient way of getting it up and out of the way till it dries. I hated having to have it plastered to me and dripping for nearly an hour. That reminds me - Mom said Mary was looking for the one they’ve got to bring to me, but she couldn’t find it. Yeah, that’s something Mary would do – lose a towel. That’s what a slob she is. Anyone who can’t find a towel, especially one like that, lives in major clutter. Leave it to Mary to be that disorganized and unable to find things. Just like Tom can’t find anything in his office. And Mary’s place isn’t just a mess, it’s filthy!

I also got a pair of colorful gloves for a couple of bucks. They’re knit gloves that are small and said to stretch to fit anyone. They help keep my hands from feeling chafed while I row, but I do the exercises without them.

I got strawberry-kiwi lip gloss in a shiny tube, a puzzle with palm trees and flowering bushes, two pairs of panties, and a sports bra.

Tom said he saw rubber spiders and rubber rats but forgot to show them to me (we had split up for a while).

On our way back through all the cloud coverage, we could see individual storm cells, as Tom said they’re called. Even though it’s still cloudy out, it looks like the storms could be over, although there’s no way to know for sure at this point. I hope they are over. I’d like to sleep tonight, seeing how I’ve got my dentist appointment tomorrow, and how it’d be safer to drive in drier weather.

More annoying commercials – they have this stuff to kill mice for those who consider them pests, but what about stuff to kill dogs that some of us consider pests? You know, as in a couple of collies that barked non-stop and probably still do? I’m not there anymore, though, so you never know.

Yes, Dan’s definitely over there. He was quiet yesterday, thanks to the storms, but Friday night he gave us an engine-gunning spree. The gunning didn’t go on for hours, but long enough to be annoying and to tell me he was there. Also, the ‘for sale’ sign says the place is for sale by owner. Well, the owner kind of has to be there in order to sell it by the owner, don’t they? As long as we don’t get anything worse in there, I’m glad his place is up for sale. He needs to go. Tom says the place will take years to sell, but I doubt that. Especially if God’s planning on sending us noisier assholes to live over there, like he loves to do, so it’ll depend on how desperate he is to stick the same old shit near me.

I’m pretty sure I also heard music a few times Friday night too (that’s what I get for bragging about how quiet it’s been), but I’m not sure if all of it came from Dan. It could’ve been bangers cruising around.

Later…

He doesn’t get it. He just doesn’t get it. As soon as he said there was nothing to deal with today, I knew he didn’t get it. I was stressing big time about the fucking freeloaders (if I’m this stressed out a week in advance, imagine how I’ll be next weekend)! and they were on my nerves so much that I could barely concentrate on making chili mac and pudding for Tom. I don’t know, he just comes off as being as non-empathetic as he was when I wanted a kid really bad and it bothers me. It even hurts to know he doesn’t feel an ounce of anger towards these freeloaders for what they’ve put me through. He said being angry wouldn’t help things, but how can he not feel a bit of anger towards these fucking assholes? How could I not feel anger towards anyone who hurt him? What should I do if someone decided to strangle Houdini? Say, “Oh, well. Getting angry won’t change or help anything.” Is that what I should say? I don’t think so! I envy Tom and his ability to control his emotions, but I can’t just click off and ignore things I can’t or don’t want to deal with or that can’t be changed as he can. And to say there’s nothing to deal with today – ha! For who? For him maybe, but for me – I have to deal with all this stress these freeloaders continue to cause me as if we all still lived together as one big miserable bunch.

I tried calling Paula like I said I would this weekend, but got no answer. I left a message.

I came up with a brilliant idea the other night; to take pictures off the TV from frozen videos. I tried to pause videos and take pictures from the other TV, but it wouldn’t work. The glare I got off the glass made it look too washed out, but because this is a plastic screen, you don’t get a glare from it. The pictures don’t look great, but they look good enough. I took some still shots of Kate the other night.

Later…

Tom just went out to see when the next storm will come. No doubt when I’m asleep. Anyway, he said there’s a flash flood watch in effect, and that some places got really bad flooding.

Tom said that just because he doesn’t always show his emotions doesn’t mean he doesn’t have them. I envy him! How I wish I was like him, not showing my emotions. I wish I didn’t feel the need to express my emotions and concerns cuz most of the time it just causes trouble. He said he chooses to be the way he is. Why can’t I choose to be the way I want to be? What blessed him with such control? He does it a little too well if you ask me. Sometimes it makes me feel like he has no feelings, no empathy, and like he’s trying to hide things.

Tom came back in saying that it may not rain if it keeps going in the direction it’s going in.

Later…

Tom’s in bed now. He went to bed early so he could get up earlier. Fortunately, I didn’t have to deal with any boring bed sessions. He took advantage of my stress, as I hoped he would, to bail his own disinterested self out of it.

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 20, 2000 I was in the second bath just now when I heard this metallic sound like someone trying to bust into our shed. Good, I thought, now I can legally do whatever I want to this person (unless they shoot me down and make sure I never get up) cuz they’re trespassing. And if the courts find me guilty, they’ll make me a very rich woman, cuz I’ll sue the fuck out of them for denying me the right to defend myself and my property.

However, as far as I could tell, the sound wasn’t coming from this property, next door, Dan’s, or the renters. It was coming from the front of the house. My first impression was that it was coming from the house two lots in front of next door (the lot in front of them is empty like the one in front of us still is). The sound, which you could hear loud and clear in the house, sounded like someone throwing something into a dumpster, just like when Tom would throw roofing material in the dumpster we rented. I can’t see anyone on the roof of that house, although I can only see a tiny portion of it from here. When I went outside I couldn’t see anything either, but man was it loud! It sounded almost explosive-like at one point like it was many miles away and may have come from the northeast, rather than the southeast, but it’s definitely something being thrown into a metal bin of some kind. Maybe they’re packing up what’s left of that trailer that burned. From inside the house, it sounds like the equivalent of one or two houses away in Phoenix. Remember, there’s nothing in between us and this sound to block it, so it sounds closer than it really is. It wouldn’t wake me up if I had the fan on, but it’d definitely wake me up without it. It’s not a constant sound. I hear a few bangs and then nothing for a while. It’s like they’re doing whatever it is they’re doing in little spurts.

I forgot to say that yesterday morning, just before 8:00 when the power was out, I heard the renter’s motorcycle. I thought, oh please! Don’t go revving that engine just because the power’s out and you want attention, but this time it actually went somewhere. Either that or they stopped almost as quickly as they started. I saw smoke coming from over there too, like they were burning trash.

It’s still quiet music-wise, and I haven’t seen any cars on Meadow Green in weeks. I shouldn’t keep marveling in this journal about how quiet it’s been, though. That’ll only make them start their shit up again!

Later…

Gonna watch the old rerun of Charlie’s Angels that’s going on at 1:00. For now, I thought I’d write some more.

It didn’t get as cold as I thought it’d get yesterday morning and we didn’t need heat. In fact, in another hour or two, I’ll probably need to AC it a little.

Forget about writing for now. I’m gonna go put the oldies channel on and get today’s work done, which is the dining and living area.

Later…

Kate looked great – damn great! This is really cool having a crush on her all over again. It’s like it’s a brand-new crush, cuz I wasn’t exactly blossomed enough sexually as a 10-year-old to have the kind of crush on her that I do now. The younger her, that is. She’s tall and she has the dark hair and eyes I like with a beautiful smile, although I never really had a height preference. She’s also one of the very few women I thought looked better with her hair shorter. I’d never have guessed more than half my life ago that I’d be drooling all over her at nearly 35 years of age. Meanwhile, blond-haired, blue-eyed Carol Kane wore off of me as fast as she turned me on.

It’s amazing how poorly Kate’s aged compared to Jaclyn and Cheryl (Farrah declined the request to be interviewed). Jaclyn and Cheryl only look about 10 years older than when they were on Charlie’s Angels, but not Kate!

During the interview when all the different people were discussing the show, it mentioned those that bitched about it, insisting it was “jiggle TV,” yet as one guy put it, no one calls it jiggle TV when a cock appears on TV scantily clad. Anyone that had a problem with Charlie’s Angels must be dying over today’s TV. This is what I mean when I bitch about life’s little control freaks. Why the fuck do these people have to try to control things and get this shit off the air when all they have to do is just not watch it! Who’s making these ass wipes watch stuff they don’t want to see? You may not be able to throw away and ignore a pack of rowdy freeloaders a few feet away from you, but you can ditch and ignore mail and TV shows you’re not interested in.

Tom put the door sweep on the bottom of the bedroom door. It keeps the ratdog out when I don’t feel like chasing him around, although I do let him play the hide and seek game he loves so much every now and then, and let him go hide in the closet, under the bed, the walker.

The air cleaner had been making funny noises like it was gonna die, but Tom fixed it. He opened it up and vacuumed out all the dust that was inside, and contrary to what we thought, that was apparently the cause of the funny sound it made cuz it’s sounded normal ever since.

OK, so I know I won’t ever be president, a parent, a natural blond, a millionaire, nor will I ever have 4 legs and 9 arms, but I just don’t know that I won’t be sent to jail. You never know what was an act. Meaning, all of Paul’s reassurances could’ve been pure bullshit. There’s no way to be sure of what’s really in his mind and the minds of his associates. He could know, could’ve always known, that I’d end up in jail in the end, and of course he’d lie about it and tell me not to worry. He could hate people with big green eyes as much as I hate bees. Given his position, that’s all it’d take to make sure I lost my freedom, not that I haven’t lost enough of it as it is. No one sees the big picture here – that they abused and victimized me for years. And Tom too, since he’s had to deal with their shit as well, and its effect on me. They don’t care that I sent words and not bombs. I can’t believe how much the laws have changed and how bold people have become! Yes, they will embarrass and implicate themselves to get at you. People’s anger greatly overrides any sense of logic, fear, embarrassment, or shame they may have and all they know is that they want to “get you.” And like I said, that bitch didn’t get scared – she got pissed.

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 19, 2000 Signing in on a stormy, rainy day. Just when it seemed that all we’d have was tons of thunder and a little lightning, the rains came. I just hope we don’t lose power again for the next 15 minutes so my potato can finish cooking. I noticed that I seem to be a bit more regular if I have my daily potato towards the beginning of my day, rather than at the end. Anyway, there was quite a bit of lightning when I went to bed last night at 1:00, then the thunder woke me up at 7:30, an hour and a half before I was scheduled to get up. The power was out for a little while, too. I swear I’ve been woken up more in the near year we’ve been here, than all the time in the Phoenix house! At first it was gunshots, cops, and booms. Now it’s storms, strange or unpleasant dreams, or just because. A lot of the time I wake up for no apparent reason at all. What’s worse is knowing I can’t do a rollover if I want to after the 30th. The freeloaders will be running my life all the more at that point and I’ll have at least two appointments a week. And this is just probation and therapy. Who knows just how often I’ll have to do community service? I’m sure I’ll have to, though. It’ll be God’s way of punishing me for bashing the freeloaders of this world. He worships the lazy compared to the hard-working people of this world, I swear!

Later…

It’s only just after 4:00 yet it’s like twilight in here due to the storms that keep coming and going. It’s really coming down this time around, and when you see water running down the wash, you know it rained a lot. It’s only 66 degrees out there now. It’s gonna be cold tonight! Especially right before dawn. I might put the heat on low before I crash or he might put it on when he gets up. I know that if it isn’t on by the time I get up, I’ll definitely need to put it on. The problem is, Tom’s on his way in from grocery shopping and I wonder if he’s gonna make it OK. I don’t have any bad vibes saying he’ll be harmed in any way, but I wonder if he might get stuck for a while. I hope not!

Although it rarely rains in Arizona, I wish we had a garage off the utility. It would keep rain and wind out and cut down on the bugs, too.

When he called from work to tell me he was on his way to the store before coming home, his call came up as out-of-area, and boy did my heart start thumping! I thought it might be Paul calling, and again, even though my logic says I have nothing to worry about, things happen that defy logic all the time in life. Thanks, freeloaders. Thanks a lot. For the stress, I mean. Same goddamn stress they caused me to have when we lived with each other; it’s just a different kind of stress nowadays.

Not that I’m complaining, but my belly’s been flatter lately. I don’t know why, either. Maybe cutting way down on my refined sugar intake really is making a difference. I know being regular helps with that, but I’m sure it’ll bloat back out as I get closer to my period.

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 17, 2000 Friday night’s sleeping together went well. I woke up several times but only once was it because of him. He and Mom were up before I was both days. Trying to sleep together Saturday night was a different story. Maybe I could’ve done it, but by the time it was past 1:00, I knew I had to give up and move him so I wouldn’t have to have what little sleep I might get broken up as much (he went into the retreat since it wasn’t as comfortable for me on the exercise mat as I thought it’d be). I just couldn’t get to sleep and he was moving and snoring more than the previous night. Wearing an earplug helped, but two nights in a row of trying to be normal was just too much for me. So we agreed to start with one night a week, Friday night, where we sleep together, then slowly build up from there. I just don’t think I can adapt to sleeping with my own husband regularly, though. I didn’t think I could adapt to a life without cigarettes either, so we’ll just have to wait and see. God, think of all the normal, everyday things most couples take for granted that are the impossible dream for me!

I slept later yesterday and didn’t get up till 10:30. I expected to be boomed awake yesterday and today, but it never happened. Still, I managed to get up an hour earlier today.

Boy, am I gonna be busy after the 30th! I’m gonna have to run to the probation officer every week in the beginning and they’ll probably make me see Helen once a week, rather than every other week or longer. Helen was pretty sure they’d let me see her and not make me see one of their own therapists. That’d be nice, cuz although they’d pay for me to see one of their own, that therapist would be biased and would be told the black bitch’s, cop’s, and lawyer’s version of the story and not the truth. Cops and lawyers twist the truth around all the time. They’re like the Dureens, Tammys, and Larrys of this world – sometimes telling all-out lies, frequently telling half-truths, and occasionally telling the whole truth. Not that the therapist couldn’t think what they damn well pleased, but when it’s something that could affect my well-being, then I get a little more cautious and even paranoid.

Oh, I also mentioned my erratic periods to Helen, who says she’s heard of that, too. I would’ve thought that that would be much more common than cumless guys with hard-ons, but who knows just how many shy, embarrassed, private, conservative, prudish Tom S there are out there who don’t discuss their problem? Tom will never do anything to change his ways not so much out of shame or embarrassment, but because as Helen said – it works for him. He’s OK with the way he is and therefore, he’s OK with living with it and not changing it. I also feel that just like with myself, he doesn’t want a kid bad enough to do the work required to get me pregnant, be it naturally or not.

Saw a big white pickup park at the far corner of Dan’s property this morning. The one furthest from us, in the back adjacent to the renter’s land. I couldn’t tell what they were doing. They were stooping down by the truck a lot as if they were examining something on the ground. I saw two guys through binoculars. One in a blue shirt, the other wearing that classic white T and white cap Dan loves, but I couldn’t say if it was him or not. After a little while, they got in the truck and headed towards the middle of the land where they parked amongst the tons of cars and trucks that always sit there. They were so far away that I couldn’t tell if they were fat or thin. Just that they were male, their shirt colors, and that one wore a cap. I couldn’t see their pants. The white tee and cap say Dan is there, but the strange lighting, the gate being opened differently, the neighbors seen going there, and the quietness, all point to Dan’s absence.

I wonder if George will try to buy Dan’s place, chop it up and put rentals on it, but if Dan’s really over there, or is OK somewhere in this world with anything to say about it, he might refuse to sell to George cuz he was just as upset that George split the land up to renters. I don’t know why since Dan could get noisy himself and was no neat freak, but he didn’t like it. And the people next door may not like it, either. So, since Dan and next door were friendly enough for next door to watch Dan’s place when he’d go to Indiana, he may refuse to sell to George as a favor to next door. And maybe even to the people further up Bitter Root that Tom saw turn into his place.

The sad thing about it is that I just can’t imagine any decent, quiet people buying that little dive. I think it’ll go to a young white male who plays drums or electric guitars and blasts his stereo, or maybe all of the above. If not, it’ll go to some huge Mexican family. They wouldn’t mind huddling into an old single-wide like that. Whoever moves in there will no doubt make Dan seem like he was very quiet, and I know it won’t be a single woman. Women care more about the looks of things than guys do, although I’d never guess someone like Samantha H would want our old house, either. Maybe she didn’t. Maybe it was Chris’s idea and she just went along with it.

Anyway, I am truly amazed at how quiet and peaceful it’s been. It appears my guess was right about the freeloaders getting fed up with their stereo crapping out to these roads and so they split. Not only have I not heard that stereo, but I also haven’t seen that pickup. Maybe they were just visiting for part of the summer, though, who knows? Or maybe God did us and the rest of society a favor and rammed them and their damn truck into a wall or something.

No music from the renters. Not even the motorcycle lately. There’s a blue car that’s always over there. It never moves as far as I can tell, and I never see any other vehicles come or go, so they must be parked where I can’t see them, and they must slip in and out when I’m not looking back there. I rarely look back there, anyway. I’m not into spying like I used to be. I just don’t want to know my neighbors exist. Period.

When Mary and Dave came to get Mom, we showed them the mural and its bloopers and explained what we planned to do with it to fix it up. Mary thought it was cool, but Dave didn’t seem too impressed.

From what I gather, Mary doesn’t like her mother-in-law and her buddy that much. She’s “kind of” enjoying their visit, she said, which tells me they must be a bit pushy and domineering, judging by her tone of voice (sound familiar?). Either that or they’re ditzy. I guess they came in earlier than was agreed on and Mary wasn’t too happy with that.

Later…

Tom’s home now. He said he and 15 other employees got taken to a fancy Mexican restaurant for lunch for working on a project involving how they deal with their canceled checks.

He also said a small old trailer about 8 miles from here completely burned. We don’t know if it was arson, old and faulty wiring, or what.

The weather had begun cooling down, but it’s warmed up a bit again. As of the last few days, we only need the AC from around noon – 6:00. The rest of the time we need nothing.

I’m so sick of these beggar commercials – ugh! Poor people in poor countries want our money to support the kids they should’ve been responsible enough not to have. I mean, if these people knew they were poor, why’d they have kids? They have kids they can’t afford, then expect us to pay for them – give me a break! And why do all the beggars pick on us Americans? Can’t they beg for free handouts elsewhere for a change?

Later…

I’m getting a bit stressed over the 30th again. Helen’s advice just doesn’t always cut it. So many things could go wrong. For example, the paper the interview lady gave me said to report to Don. If Don wanted to, for whatever twisted or biased reason, he could deny that we ever spoke and then how the hell would I prove that the interview lady said I could call and not bother going to his office cuz of how remote I am? How would I prove that I did speak to Don, despite the fact that phone records could be obtained? It’s his word against mine. Anything’s possible in this world. Well, almost anything. Due to how far this shit’s already gone, the sky’s the limit. It’s just so damn easy to get in deep shit with the law. It used to be you had to harm someone before any action was taken against you. Now, even threats are more than enough to get you in trouble. You can write the most non-threatening thing you want and all a person has to do is simply not like what you had to say. Period. Or not like the person who wrote it. I could’ve written that bitch about my doll collection and all she’d have to do is call the cops and insist she felt threatened by me and scared of me, and that’s it. Down I go. I told Tom that I had thought about using the new laws to my advantage for a change and having her dragged through the mud. Meaning that I may not be able to get her into court and she may not get thrown in jail, but I could at least put her through the hassle of getting arrested if I called the cops swearing she drove by twirling guns in my face or something like that, but I’d rather not lower myself to her level, and as Tom said, it’d be a bitch cuz I’d have to take the time to swear out a statement and all that shit, and I’ve already spent enough time on this sick fuck. Again, it just goes to show how determined, vindictive, vengeful, and spiteful the bitch is to take the time and effort to do what she’s done. I don’t want to use the law to “get them” like they’ve done with me. I just want them out of my life!!!!!! Again, whether she deserved it or not, whether it was legal or not, we all get mail we don’t like or want and no one made her read my mail. All she had to do was throw it out and ignore it, but she just couldn’t let go and move on. She just couldn’t.

MONDAY, OCTOBER 16, 2000 Helen was 10 minutes late this time, instead of 20, and I did not enjoy the wait in the waiting room. No, there weren’t any loud and destructive kids, but there was this spider walking along the ceiling that was creeping me out. It was getting closer and closer and just when I thought it was going to center itself over my head and string down on its web right onto my head, Helen rescued me.

We had gone to Circle K before Helen’s where I grabbed some coffee, but I finished it before she called me into her office. Found those flavored lip balms I love, though. I have strawberry, raspberry, and watermelon.

This time Helen gave more input. While I discussed my never-ending freeloader frustrations, I mostly discussed Tom’s lack of cumming, and here’s where she surprised me. She believes him. She actually believes he’s telling the truth to the best of his ability, but no, we don’t know for sure what’s in his subconscious. She also surprised me by letting me know that she has heard of guys who could get hard, but not cum!

I don’t know. I want to believe him, but then how do you explain a lot of the things he’s said and done? His actions don’t support his being truthful, but maybe he is. Just maybe he is.

When I told Helen I was OK with not having a kid, but not OK with having my choice taken away from me as to whether or not to have a kid, she said that maybe God didn’t take it away. Maybe it just hasn’t been time yet. Well, there are a lot of things in this world I don’t know, but if there’s one thing I most certainly do know, it’s that there is no such thing as the right time to have a kid in my life. If the right time hasn’t come yet, it never will. Also, yes God did take away my choice.

Helen also believes things happen for a reason and says that if I get pregnant, it’s for a reason. Yeah, and if I don’t it’s for a reason, too. The only two reasons for it that I can see are to punish me and because I couldn’t handle it. That much is obvious and that much I do know. What better way to punish a female you hate than to take away her choices as to what she can do with her own body and life? Also, as the weekend proved, I may be able to sleep with Tom and sleep fairly well enough every once in a while, but I couldn’t do it regularly. I just can’t function after losing just a couple of nights’ sleep, so this only reinforces my belief that God stole my choice knowing I couldn’t handle it. How could I? If I can’t lose more than a few nights’ sleep, how would I handle losing a few months’ sleep? God and I both also know I couldn’t handle carrying and having a child either but knowing this, he should’ve and could’ve at least made sure that I never wanted one. But because he did let me want something he knew damn well I couldn’t have; this is where the obvious punishment aspect of it comes in.

When I told Helen that most of the blacks I’ve known proved to be assholes and wondered if just maybe there was something about having darker skin that tends to make people more prone to acting out, just like most redheads have freckles, she said her experience with blacks has been different than mine.

It figures. Why do I have to be the one to have all the negative experiences?

Anyway, Helen was reading me a little poem all about attitude and its influence on the outcome of things, but I’m sorry, I just don’t agree. I just don’t see the connection, and I know I’ve written about this before, too. There have been lots of times that I went into something with a positive attitude only to get negative results, and vice versa.

Helen also insisted that I do everything I can to try not to worry about my upcoming court date till I see her again on the 28th of this month. Much easier said than done, I told her, and she said she understood it’d be hard. Still, if I can do it for 5 minutes, that’s 5 fewer minutes I have to worry about it.

She seemed pretty confident that they wouldn’t put me in jail but warned me of fines. Yeah, that’s exactly what I’m afraid of. Anything’s better than jail, but none of this should’ve happened in the first place! None of it!!! Not the January trip to Phoenix, not the July trip to Florence, not the court dates, not the time and money spent – none of it! These freeloaders should be paying me for all the shit they put me through, and Tom too, since he’s had to deal with its effects on me.

Why do I always lose in the end? Huh?! Everyone else gets away with the shit they do, yet I always go down for it. I never ever win!

Helen, who says she also respects and understands that I don’t want to be there (in her office), suggested I not worry about them, because they’ve completely forgotten me and aren’t thinking or worrying about me for a millisecond. I thought about this and realized just how right she is – they’re not thinking or worrying about me. How blessed they are, huh? In fact, a lot of those times I thought they did things with me in mind; they probably didn’t. Meaning yes, after a few complaints they did do things deliberately to provoke me throughout the years we lived together, but a lot of it was without thought cuz they simply don’t care. They just don’t care. They came into that neighborhood without a care in the world, as if they owned it, never thinking of me or anyone else around them. In fact, half of the time, if someone had reminded them that there were other houses on the street, they would’ve been like, “Really? Oh yeah, that’s right. There are. We’re not the only ones in this world,” as if they’d totally forgotten.

Anyway, that’s all I can really think of as far as my visit to Helen goes. As always, if I remember anything else along the way, I’ll add it in.

After seeing Helen, we went to Lowe’s to pick up the mural and a few other odds and ends. I also got a faceplate for the den with vines of green leaves, and 5 rolls of different colored neon twine. I made Mom a bookmark that was supposed to be a bracelet, only I misjudged how much material I’d need. I’ve never made those kinds of bracelets with twine before.

We put up the mural on Saturday, but it didn’t go well. It tore in a few places, acquired gaps between one of the 4 panels as it dried and shrunk, wasn’t lined up very well in some areas, and had bubbles. Amazingly, most of the bubbles had smoothed out by the next day. Nonetheless, it’s beautiful and I love it. We’re going to buy some trim to cover up the edges, as well as crisscross the center of it, and make it look like it’s a big window. This will hide tears, gaps, and areas that are misaligned.

Later…

When Tom came home he brought me a notice to appear for jury duty. Aaarrrggghhh!!! Cops, courts, blacks, Mexicans, probation, jail, lawyers, juries – when’s it ever end?! Anyway, it was for Maricopa County residents only, so I checked the box stating that I no longer reside in that county (this is Pinal County).

I made Tom some chili mac and he’ll be making me the rest of the bacon we got, so I won’t have to get splattered with grease.

I saw a really neat show talking about Charlie’s Angels, my all-time favorite show from the 70s, and interviews with the angels later in life. I didn’t know Kate Jackson, my favorite angel who now looks like shit, had heart surgery and breast cancer. I wish I had my old picture collection. All of them, including Linda and Gloria’s pictures. As you know, they weren’t just pictures to me. They were like individual people, like friends. Anyway, even now the younger Kate is quite appealing to me. Not like Gloria was and like some imaginary characters I made up in my head, but I still think of her from time to time and her pictures too, wondering what it’d be like to reunite with these long-lost pictures.

Anyway, it was great having Mom here. What a difference from when Dureen would visit! I could be myself and enjoy a relaxing, fun atmosphere. Not one filled with tensions and fronts. And you don’t have to constantly entertain her, either. She was content to spend most of the time watching TV and reading one of the books we had. She read half of it and plans to finish it the next time she visits.

She was more with it than I thought she’d be, and pretty independent, too. She only needed help unhooking her bra, getting the water turned on in the shower, going up and down the stairs, and of course, with food, medications, and blood testing. Tom and I tested our own blood too, which is this thing that pricks your finger and is painless. After it pricks you, you squeeze some blood out onto a strip and it reads your sugar level. Ours was normal.

Tom put up a little rail on the side of the bed, but what we really should’ve gotten was a couple of night lights. One for the guest room and one for the bath. We’ll get them as soon as we can. Meanwhile, we left the bathroom light on so she could see well enough. As far as I know, though, she slept well and didn’t need to get up to use the bathroom in the middle of the night.

She has a fork and spoon that are bent at a 90-degree angle, making it easier for her to bring them to her mouth. It wasn’t Tom I had to worry about making gross noises at dinnertime, it was Mom! She was pretty disgusting. She ate like a little animal.

Because of her shaking, she has plastic cups with lids that she uses so she doesn’t slosh her drinks all over. She has two cups for water, juice, soda, and a different one for coffee.

The first night she was here, I cooked the three of us pork chops, then Hamburger Helper the second night.

I showed her various things and she watched me work out while Tom went to Circle K. I enjoyed having her company and having her to chat with while I worked out. It made it go faster and seem less boring, although Bowflex isn’t nearly as boring as floor work, but I totally lost my concentration on counting my reps!

Houdini didn’t seem to mind having her around. It didn’t stop him from coming out like I thought it would. I guess he’s decided to go back to being a night rat, although he still prefers to come out when Tom’s not around.

Later…

Tom finally got around to getting rid of some stuff, since we’ll be needing the money for the freeloaders. He cut out all the premium channels on the TV, cut out Cybertrails, and some stuff on the cell phone.

Tom set up mailboxes so that we can send each other messages. I like having this. It’s fun. I like sending him journal excerpts periodically like I used to via AOL.

I miss the Internet, but not all the problems that come with it. Someday, though, we’ll have faster, better connections. If we can come up with $150 extra bucks, Tom can get the stuff needed to steal free service over the satellite. Pictures that take forever to download by way of the phone will then download instantaneously.

This weekend we’re gonna put a door sweep on the bottom of the bedroom door to block more light, but mostly to keep Houdini out of that area when I don’t feel like chasing him around. I don’t know if it’ll work, though. The bottom of it is flimsy and he may be able to push his way through it and still get under the door.

We’re also gonna put foam weather stripping like we had in Phoenix around the doorjambs. Something we shouldn’t have to do in a brand-new house. But we have to, thanks to the stupid Mexicans who built this house so half-assed. They put the fucking back door on cockeyed, didn’t seal any of them up completely, and God only knows how many little openings there are around the windows that aren’t visible to the naked eye. Even though we just bombed, and even though they can’t live long cuz of it, those little black bugs are raiding this place at night. At night I keep the windows shut cuz they can get through the screen, and they most certainly can get through the door gaps.

Tom surprised me by informing me of the ‘for sale’ sign up at Dan’s place. He never gave any indications of wanting to move when we talked to him, so maybe something happened to him. Maybe that’s why the neighbors seem to be taking care of the place. Either that or he just got so lonely here that he just doesn’t want to come back. His behavior sure cried out for the city and said he was extremely lonely out here. Especially if he’s as gay as I think he is. This is no place for any unattached gay person. Gay people need to be near places where they can meet each other, cuz they usually can’t meet people just anywhere.

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 15, 2000 Saying I’ve got a lot to write about is an understatement! Mom’s still here but will be gone in about an hour. Mary and Dave will be coming up to get them, leaving Dave’s Mom and her boyfriend at their house.

Paula never did call this weekend like I thought she would, but that’s good since I wouldn’t have been in a position to chat with her. If Mom ever does move in, as much as I doubt she ever will, maybe Tom can install a phone jack somewhere in the master suite, so I can talk to Paula, or whoever, in a more private setting. Mom’s always in the den where the phone is unless she’s at the table eating, or seeing something we’re showing her, or in the guest room.

I have mixed emotions about Mom leaving, although, for the most part, I wish she’d stay. It feels good to have more responsibility and to feel more productive and like I’m helping someone. We’d probably only screw once a month or less with her here, something you know I’m sick of anyway, so she’d be rescuing me from having to do that every 1-3 weeks (we didn’t get together as I predicted). On the other hand, her leaving gives me a little more freedom. Freedom to run around naked, swear, talk loud if I want to, run up and down, etc. If I ran too much with her here, she might think something was wrong. Same if I talk loud, although I did come out of the bedroom late at night in just my panties to get a drink. If this were Tom’s dad and not his Mom, then I’d have thrown a robe on.

The only time I felt a little controlled and uncomfortable was when Tom gave me the eye about a comment I made in regard to a topic he brought up. He brought up the proposition they’ve got going about allowing people to develop homes in certain areas, and it led to my expressing my opinion about having rentals behind us and the noise and destruction Section 8 people bring, should we get stuck with that yet again. First of all, my statement about Section 8 people being scummy was true, and second of all, don’t ever think that just because you’re a guest in my house I’m gonna conform to what others might prefer and put on false airs. I am who I am and no one’s going to take away my freedom within my own home, if I can help it, in unreasonable ways. That’s been done enough, thank you. Meanwhile, I cut out the swears and other things. I need to be myself and not try to predict what others will think of what I say. I can’t control what others think of my opinions/statements, and I don’t want to, either. Any guest in my home is expected to accept and deal with how I live, what I do, and what I say, just like it would be expected of me to respect the ways of others when I visit them. No one has to agree with me when I express my feelings about certain subjects. No visitor has to like everything I say, do, wear, etc., but they do have to accept it, live with it, and not try to change and control it. That’s being too pushy and asking too much of me; if you think I should keep my opinions to myself in my own home. I’ll be reserved and phony in other ways, especially in public or other houses, but not here. Home isn’t the place to be somebody I’m not.

I don’t know that Mom would like to live here, being this remote, and since it would mean she couldn’t go to daycare. She loves daycare way better than sitting at home every day. Whatever’s meant to be, though, will be.

I want to jump back to my session with Helen and go in order of events before getting more into Mom’s stay with us, which has been very enjoyable. Better yet, I’ll do it later or tomorrow. Mary and Dave will be here any sec.

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 13, 2000 Tom should be in any time now with Mom. I’m really looking forward to her visiting this weekend!

They’ve sonic boomed by 3 straight days in a row. They boomed by more like 2-3 times a week last January – March, but are pretty regular about it this time around, till they crash. They boomed by at 9:30 and 2:30 two days ago, 9:15 yesterday, and 8:45 today.

Again I woke up many times and was even up for an hour. I was contemplating getting up when I managed to fall back asleep. I don’t expect to sleep very well until after the 30th. Maybe.

I did some cleaning and washed the guest bed sheets. I brought some of Tom’s clothes into the bedroom, so he won’t have to go into the guest room while she’s in there.

My visit with Helen went well and I was even in for a surprise from her. I’ll discuss it later, though.

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 12, 2000 It was really chilly in here when I got up so I put the heat on for an hour or so. Now, though, it’s hotter in here than it was yesterday. This is probably because I didn’t open the windows today and let the cool air circulate throughout the house. It’s about 81 degrees inside and outside right now.

I let myself sleep an extra hour today cuz I woke up so tired yesterday, but I woke up a zillion times. I first went to sleep with the sound machine on so I wouldn’t have to have the fan moving the air, but I just couldn’t get used to that, so I had to put the fan on. I think I do prefer the circulating air along with the sound of the fan better, anyway.

Saw an interesting documentary on ancient Pompeii, and again, these are the kinds of things that would’ve bored me to death years ago. The show showed old ruins and skeletons from 2000 years ago when Mount Vesuvius erupted.

Tom just got in and says the mural’s in! Great! Can’t wait to get it up this weekend.

I’ll write later after my appointment with Helen, or tomorrow, or even Monday, depending on how busy the weekend turns out.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 11, 2000 Finally got through to Paula. I got her machine, though. I let her know I’d call her not this weekend, but next, and told her I look forward to hearing what she thinks of the calendar, story and tape. I look forward to her sending more pictures. Current pictures are great, but I wish she’d send an old one too, from around 10 years ago! I wonder if she’ll send any dolls.

Helen’s office called yesterday to remind me of tomorrow’s appointment, and of course, my heart beat madly until I realized who it was. It came up as private. This is the time Paul and Don ought to start calling to rehash shit I just want to forget and move on from, and to make me do things I don’t want to do, so I can feel like a kid all over again. Of course, I don’t expect I’ll have to do anything till sentencing day, other than go see Don and Helen. That’s enough right there.

What worries me is how the bitch will react towards probation if that’s all I get. Probation wouldn’t be enough for her. She wants me in jail. No doubt about it. We already know how vindictive, vengeful and spiteful this bitch is, and we already know how obsessed she is with me, so will probation cut it with her? Somehow I doubt it. Nothing’s ever good enough for this bitch. She just cannot drop it and move on! And if she’s already been able to abuse her position within the courts this far, how much further can and will she go? She certainly doesn’t mind taking the time out to do this. It’s obviously plenty worth it to her. As it is, a non-threatening letter and phone call should never have gone this far. So, if it can go as far as it has, it can go further. It shouldn’t have gone any further than being rudely dragged out of my house by a bunch of lying pigs to the police station, but even that’s overkill, and again, life is unfair. So, knowing that, I know the worst possible case scenario could very well happen.

Why has God restored my hearing in my good ear? It seems that lately my hearing’s improved and has been much better in that ear, not that it was ever too shitty. I can no longer tolerate the volumes I used to listen to music for years. Did he make my hearing better so I could hear further away? That’d be convenient since noise is further away from us here than it was in Phoenix, but lately, it’s been amazingly quiet. There have been a few times I thought I heard music, but other than that, it’s been dead quiet like a rural town should be.

Later…

It’s not even 11 AM, yet it’s only 65 degrees out.

Anyway, I forgot to say earlier that they’re booming again. I heard them at 9:30.

Also, Tom did back exercises yesterday. We’ll see how long it lasts.

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 10, 2000 Went into the city yesterday as planned. At least we made it one way without getting held up. On the way back, we went through Lavene and got slowed by a creeper, but we cruised right into the city the airport way. I like going by Sky Harbor Airport and seeing the planes fly over the freeway. I can sometimes see them land too, if the angle and timing are just right and there are no trucks blocking my view.

No one was there when we got in, and Tom hung out with me for nearly an hour before he left. Other than the dog barking out back, the obnoxious parakeets, and the stench of dog piss, it was quiet. Of course it was quiet; I don’t live there.

Dave stopped in for a quick lunch after we arrived and he left right after Tom left to get Mom at daycare and take her to get her stitches out. While I was alone I played solitaire on the computer, cuz I couldn’t find their tiles game on either computer. I also left Mary a surprise document in her word processor. Just a few sentences saying hi, guess who this is, etc.

I chatted with Mom when she got in while Tom checked their computer network, then we left. She gave us 10:00, which we spent on junk at Circle K, and her suitcase and toilet thing. The toilet thing raises her up cuz she can’t bend her knees well. Guess she must be anxious to visit since she’s already packed.

I also just had to get a little bit of a flow when we screwed and went out. I had cramps on the way into the city, so I swallowed some ibuprofen without water in the car, so I wouldn’t have to wait longer. But why does it always have to happen when we screw or go out? Last time it was when I went to Helen’s that I had to flow. Before that, it was during sex and then in July, it was jail. I don’t have sex that often nor do I go out that often, so can’t I ever rag when I’m home and not having sex?! Besides, how can I hide my flows from him, however wimpy they may be, when he gets blood on himself and the sheets? Does something up there want him to know when I’m flowing? Well, I’d prefer that he didn’t know. When he knows, he tends to play games more when I’m mid-cycle. I tried to blame the blood on irritation (which I truly did have, as always) and I tried to blame the cramps on a pulled muscle, but I don’t know if he bought it. If I was gonna be mid-cycle, as screwy as my cycles are, during the middle of the week, that’d be one thing. But if it hits a Sunday, then all the more I might have to deal with his games. You know, the one where he suddenly forgets how to screw. I hate going through the bullshit motions for nothing, and he’s terrified in bed as it is, so sterile or not, no man that terrified of making a kid wants to get within inches of a possibly ovulating woman.

He got slightly playful on Sunday. I could be wrong, but I think he was trying to get me to think we were gonna screw at certain times on Sunday, only to be let down. When is this guy gonna wake up and see that it’s no disappointment to me and that it hasn’t been for years and that he’s playing his own games with himself, if that’s truly what he was trying to do? And by the way, now he says he likes sex when it’s not too dark out, but not too light either, like when the sun’s setting or rising. My only surprise this weekend was the time of day we got together. I expected to screw Monday, but not in the morning like we did. His bullshit excuse for his slow movements, which I know was to keep from cumming, was back pain. Yeah, something always hurts, doesn’t it? Then he says he’s gonna start doing exercises for that, but do you know how many times I’ve heard that? And so what if he does start doing exercises for that? He’ll only quit. I’m just so tired of the same old, same old, and the same goddamn lame excuses that he does nothing about. He does nothing to help himself cuz he just doesn’t want to be helped.

We agreed we’d sleep together this weekend while his mother’s here, but I know that’ll be a disaster. Nothing’s changed with that; I’m still the lightest sleeper in the world, and God won’t be there to help. Heaven forbid Jodi S should be normal in any kind of intimate way. The slightest movement – I’ll wake right up. The slightest sound – I’ll wake right up. I’ll either have to end up crawling into the retreat on my exercise mat, or he’ll have to crawl in there to sleep on the airbed if we can find the stuff to patch the hole Houdini made in it.

Speaking of Houdini, he was acting like a weekend rat, as usual. He just doesn’t like Tom. For some reason, he’s scared of him. I guess it’s cuz Tom doesn’t feed and handle him like I do. Anyway, on weekends, he’s reluctant to come out and run around. I have to coax him out and take him out myself usually. But during the week when he knows he’s gone, out he comes on his own. He used to come out at night after Tom went to bed, but now he comes out for an hour or two when I get up after he’s been gone for a few hours.

Later…

I just tried calling Paula, but couldn’t get through to her. I was going to call her this weekend, but cuz of Mom’s visit, I thought I’d call today, but all I get is static after one ring. I could get the message I left Tom just fine, as well as his call telling me he’d be late, so I guess the problem is on her end. Anyway, I’m sure she’ll call this weekend because if I remember right, she’s a weekend caller for the most part.

Mary wrote my character letter saying she’s known me for years, I’m kind and considerate, she’s been a guest in my house and treated well, I love animals and collect dolls. I’m surprised she mentioned the dolls. What do dolls have to do with my character? Nonetheless, the letter was well-written and articulate.

MONDAY, OCTOBER 9, 2000 It’s beautiful out right now at only 71° and I have some windows open to let in the nice breeze. They say it might get down as low as 50° in the next few nights. I knew it would be chilly enough in here by early morning, once I saw that it was already down to 68° by 10:00 last night. When I got up it was down to 76° in here, and I usually like it to be 80°-81°.

Today we’re going out at noon to bring his Mom to get her stitches out. Well, he’s going to take her to get them out. I’m gonna hang out at the house and play on the computer. Mary and Dave have to work today.

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 8, 2000 October 30th is getting closer and the stress is mounting yet again. If God has any mercy on me whatsoever, he’ll make sure this is the last court date. I can’t take this every few months. I just can’t take this anymore! I go home from jails or courts, slowly get on with my life, then the stress and anxiety slowly eats at me little by little as the next court date draws closer and these sick fucks are thrust upon me and my life all over again. Uuuggghhh!!!

Tom noticed I was stressing earlier and said it sometimes helps to talk. No thanks, I told him. I don’t want to argue, which is what we often seem to do when it comes to these blacks, and of course, the Mexicans, too. They’ve come between us enough, thank you. Besides, I’ve got Helen now and it’s her job to listen to me talk to her. It’s not Tom’s place anymore. I don’t want him to have to listen to me bitch about anything, whether we agree on it or argue about it or not.

I find myself not so much missing Andy, but wondering about him. I still feel I did the right thing by cutting him loose. We just had less and less in common as time went on and I got tired of his coming over only when he wanted a button sewn or to browse the net. He became quite the pest, along with his never-ending rebellious attitude towards my simple little requests, and as Tom pointed out, he wouldn’t have been able to come out here anyway. Maybe once every year or two. It just would’ve been too hard on him and his car. And it would’ve been so hard for him to restrain himself from the long-distance calls, too. Nonetheless, and although this is quite impossible, I sometimes wish I could talk to him once a year, but I’d never want to resume regular contact with him. That I don’t miss. Just to know what he’s been up to on a yearly basis would be nice enough. However, what could he tell me? The same thing year after year? Sadly enough, I’m afraid so. I think he’s peaked in life just like I have at this point. I’m sure that although it’s been just over a year since we talked, he’s still doing the same things – getting fired, getting high, hanging out with losers, living on the phone, stuffing his face, and dreaming of Mr. Right, who by most people’s standards, is really Mr. Wrong. Mr. Very Wrong.

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 7, 2000 Tom was right – the strips do pop off the wall easily enough, and without destroying the wall. Someday, when we go to repaint, we’ll pop off all the strips. I hate them, anyway. They totally interfere with my decorating. Anyway, he popped the two strips that were where the mural is going, then spackled the gap. Once that dries, he’ll sand it, then the wall will be all prepped and ready for the mural. The mural’s not ready to be picked up yet, and I assume they would’ve notified us already if it had to be back-ordered.

I saw a show on the learning channel that would’ve bored me to tears when I was younger. Now, however, I find these things interesting; fossilized animal remains from thousands, even millions of years ago.

No predictable, boring, cumless quickie today because today is Saturday. I would bet my dolls on us screwing tomorrow, our usual sex day, if it weren’t for the long weekend. I think we’ll end up screwing Monday, though, if we get together at all this weekend seeing that we just got together last weekend, cuz he tends to put that off till the end of the weekend. In this case, the end of the weekend, when he starts to tire down and unwind, will be Monday afternoon.

Later…

I can’t draw anymore. I just can’t draw anymore! Why? Is it just another compensation for being here? It’s a worthy tradeoff if that’s what it is, but I wonder – is that really it?

We were talking about foods his mother would like while she’s with us next weekend. Yes, she’s actually going to stay with us next weekend! Then any other time she may need to during Mary’s treatment, depending on how sick she gets. It’s going to be about 6 months before Mary’s treatment is done, and who knows how often this thing will reoccur? Anyway, Tom said Mom would like to have at least one meal a day where we all sat down at the table (preferably without Tom making those disgusting sounds he makes when he eats) cuz Mary and Dave don’t do that. They run out for fast food and bring it home to eat in front of the TV. They don’t clean and they don’t cook. It’s a good thing I can’t lose any more weight and that I’m now in the maintain state, cuz I could certainly never lose weight with all the extra foods that’ll be around. I just don’t have the willpower I once had.

When I asked Tom why he thought I had an easier time saying no to food in the past than I do now, he said it was cuz I had more to rebel against back then. True. Very true. But I still have enough to rebel against now – freeloaders, cops, courts, and I still feel controlled by him in bed and I don’t care what he says. But that doesn’t mean I’d feel controlled by him if he had ear surgery like I had, for example, and I had to help him with that. That wouldn’t be his fault. So, having dirty clothes to wash may not make me feel “controlled,” but being told what to do and where to go does make me feel controlled. What’s happened with these cops and courts thanks to these freeloaders, has totally made me feel like a kid all over again with no say in the matter whatsoever. Well, let me tell you – I’m sick and tired of being told what to do, and if that’s being rebellious, then so be it.

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 6, 2000 Tom’s going to stop at his Mom’s after work before doing the grocery shopping. He meant to see her yesterday but had to do a tour at work that ran a little late. He said she mentioned giving us some money. I guess she wants to give us a little for all the flat tires and shit like that we’ve had. It won’t be much, though. Probably just $20, but it’s something.

Tom said that Don’s not in a hurry to call me back no doubt cuz he liked my answers given in the interview and isn’t worried about me being such a problem that needs jailing. Well, that’s all well and good, but how much am I gonna be forced to pay the courts monthly? And worse of all, how much do I have to be totally degraded into paying the freeloaders directly?

Tom says to try not to let the possibility of jail get to me, but sometimes that’s easier said than done. On the one hand, my logic says I should never get sent to jail for this, but life’s so unfair. People do get jailed for the wrong reasons and people do go free for the wrong reasons, too. Just because I shouldn’t go to jail for this, doesn’t mean I won’t. And just because I don’t have any vibes saying I’ll have to go to jail, doesn’t mean it’s not just wishful thinking that’s blocking out any negative vibes about a pending jail sentence. No one wants to “see” or “sense” that they’re going to jail, and therefore, I may not be able to see or sense it if it is fated to be. I just want this sick bitch out of my life! How many years have I been saying that now?

I sometimes wonder if I should take the new, stricter laws and use them to my advantage and drag them through the mud right along with me. I’m white, and I don’t have letters with their fingerprints or tapes with their voices on them so I couldn’t get them arrested or brought to court, but I could put them through the hassles of questioning. All I’d have to do is insist they did whatever to me, like swear they drove by here making threats or something like that, and they’ll at least pick them up. I’d hope so, anyway! But, I don’t think I want to lower myself to their level just because I’m pissed at them, which is exactly what she and the Mexicans did; they got pissed at what I had to say about them, couldn’t handle it, and went running to the piggies. They were never scared. They were Pissed with a capital P. So pissed that they weren’t afraid to implicate themselves in doing so. They weren’t afraid to look bad or incriminate themselves to get at me.

The land looks pretty dull right now. Actually, some of it’s kind of shabby looking with those damn wheat-colored weeds with the stickers. They go away in the summer, making the land look a little better, but this place certainly needs saguaros, prickly pears, queen palms, and whatever else. We talked about planting a bougainvillea and a bird of paradise bush and letting them grow wild. We had to trim the ones we had in Phoenix, but not here!

At night, when the moonlight is out, the moonlight almost gives off the illusion of there being a light dusting of snow on the ground with the way it illuminates the sandy dirt and the light-colored weeds.

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 5, 2000 Paula said she thinks she has a big butt. She said she’s got a “Mexican” butt. Well, I’ve still got quite a bubble butt of my own, and I’m definitely set for life at 115 pounds unless I either starve or quit working out. Or become deathly ill, for that matter.

I asked her if she pled guilty (to beating up that girl and slugging a cop). She said she did, cuz not pleading guilty would’ve made things worse. Yeah, they bribed her too, and gave her ultimatums. I forgot to ask her if she had to pay any court fees, but she did tell me that she was in jail for 30 days and on probation for a year. She also had community service. She worked on the highway in a chain gang when she was in jail. She worked in churches and sorting clothes at the Salvation Army. One thing I can tell you for damn sure and that’s that no law’s gonna make me work in a church full of narrow-minded, delusional fools. I also forgot to ask her if they made her see a therapist. Somehow I doubt it. Only I get made to see therapists. Only I’m crazy. Me and maybe sex abusers have to see therapists. Anyway, Paula says she’s been behaving. That’s good. She doesn’t need to get in any more trouble any more than I do.

The phone company fucked with us the other night when we were reporting to Mary to let her know how well the TV worked. It went dead, and it took several minutes before it came alive again. Cybertrails will be gone this week, then we’ll be getting a free service, but that’s not unlimited. We pay a set fee for unlimited service now, but with this service we’re going to get, it’ll be free unless we use it cuz they don’t have a local number. It’ll be like making a long-distance call. Anyway, we won’t use it for fun, just if we need to. It’ll be nice to have so that if we need to look up directions to a particular place, for example, we can. Especially since we never got any Phonebooks out here.

When I got up this morning, I turned off the AC and opened the windows for about an hour and a half. It was sooo nice. So nice to smell the outdoors, to hear nothing but peace and quiet, and to see nothing but nature. I could see nothing, as I lay on my side in bed drinking my coffee and gazing out the window, but sky, trees, shrubs, and the earth itself. No driveways, roads or pavement of any kind. No people, houses, cars, balls bouncing, barking, screaming, sirens, music, etc.

The possibility of having to go to jail was eating at me last night, and Tom said to try not to let it worry me, and that Don’s not calling me back right away is a good sign. It is? I didn’t think to ask him why, so I’ll ask him when he gets in. I just thank God they didn’t go after him for this shit. Better for it to me that has to deal with this shit if one of us must do so, cuz I’ve already got a record and he doesn’t. Also, if worse came to worse in this very unfair world and one of us had to go to jail, better for it to be me. He can get by without me, but out here in the boonies, I’d be completely stranded.

He hasn’t decided yet on exactly when to take time off. That’s gonna depend on what goes on with Mary, I guess, to whom I gave the second probation department envelope. I figured now was a better time to ask her for that character reference, even if it did me no good in the end. Anyway, I have mixed emotions about his basing his time off on what goes on in Mary’s household rather than in his own. I want him to take time off for us, the people that live here, and not so he can cater to Mom and Mary, but on the other hand, we owe them. Sort of anyway. They’ve done so much for us, I’d love to have Mom visit, and besides, what else could we do being this broke? It’s not like we could spend his vacation time, which can be anytime before the year is out, shopping, gambling or flying to Vegas. He says his Mom would feel better staying here if he were here so she doesn’t have to worry if she falls or anything like that. I don’t know. He says she wouldn’t be bringing it up if she weren’t serious, but I still get the feeling that she wouldn’t feel comfortable staying here, whether or not he’s on vacation. I know she doesn’t hate me, or else she wouldn’t have given me material and other things, but I get the feeling she might feel uncomfortable around me. You know how a lot of people feel that way with hyper, outspoken people like myself.

Later…

As I remember bits and pieces of our chat, another “discrepancy” comes to mind. Paula said she thought my computer or printer must’ve broken for me to be sending some hand-written letters, yet if she had really read my letters, she’d know the real reason for the hand-written letters. I think she does read them. I think she’s just so damn air-headed, that she can’t remember half the things she reads/hears/sees.

She got contradictory on me in regard to the bad vibes I had about Justin. First she said it wasn’t going to happen cuz she told him about it, then she admitted to his getting in trouble in school, then said that whatever happens, happens.

Either way, it’s too late for him. She’s already damaged him and planted the vicious seed that’s destined to be as God shall see fit. His fate is sealed.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 4, 2000 Well, I did get a little surprise, after all. I expected Tom to be OK with my wanting to put a hold on sex, but nope. He objects, he said, unless I absolutely insist on waiting. But why? If all he wants to do is get hard, I can see to that by hand. Maybe he objected cuz he knows I don’t want to do it. He does, after all, seem more driven by the things that I’m not interested in, or that turn me off altogether. So, I guess some Sundays, for the rest of my life, are going to be very boring and very predictable. Yes, we certainly have much more fun out of bed than in it. That’s my opinion, anyway. At least he has a good time in bed. In fact, so good of a time that he’s willing to sacrifice any pleasure with me just to keep his stubborn attitude and to bore me to death. Sometimes I wonder – should I start expressing pleasure in bed? Will that make him want to veer the opposite way; if he thinks I like things the way they are? Then again, what opposite way can we go? He doesn’t like having sex during the week and is usually too tired to do so, we can’t do many different positions, and the guy’s old-fashioned and unimaginative. He’s also afraid to cum and shouldn’t be made to do anything he doesn’t feel comfortable doing. Like I said, I know we’ll never have a kid and that’s not the issue anymore, whether I’m sterile or not. The issue is the lack of honesty on his part. His failure to face and admit his fears is the issue. After hoping for so many years that he’d one day come out and say – You were right. I was afraid to cum regularly cuz I was afraid of a kid. I just didn’t want the expense and hassle. I’m sorry I wasn’t upfront from the beginning. Especially with how badly you once wanted one. However, with each year that passes with no change whatsoever, and with a confession from him, I realize it’s never going to come. Thirty years from now he’ll still be saying it was out of his hands, but that he did want a kid (even though he happened to never do anything to achieve that), and that he didn’t control me.

Well, in the end, we don’t have to have a kid. I’m fine without that. I may wonder about it from time to time since it’s an experience I’ll never have, but we don’t have to have a kid and he doesn’t have to cum, even if it’d make me feel like cumming too, and turn me on more to know I pleased him and that he is without fear. I just think it’s rather sad that I’ll never hear the full truth from his mouth, but only from his actions.

No, I don’t bother praying to God for help. In fact, I haven’t prayed to him for years now. That’s because I know he doesn’t give a damn and that there’s no help from him. He obviously wants things to be the way they are as much as Tom does or else he wouldn’t have let this shit go on for 7 years. He’d have done something to give Tom the strength and motivation to change, or to at least own up to the truth. Or maybe he wouldn’t have let Tom be the way he is in the first place. Remember, it was me that made him the way he is. He was never cumless with anyone else. I’m the one who brought the sexual curse into this relationship, even if he’s the one with the fears. Not that I never had my own fears about a kid. It’s just that I wouldn’t have let them stand in my way if I had had some say in the matter. I’m not alone as far as him being afraid to have a kid for various reasons. Most women deal with resistant boyfriends/husbands when it comes to that. The difference is that their men still cum, so sometimes they can get tricked into parenthood by the woman who may insist she took her birth control when she really didn’t. Well, this one’s so scared I couldn’t trick him if I wanted to. He keeps his equipment under strict lock and key and would never dare take chances with it. I still can’t figure out why he did take those chances the dozen or so times he did. What gave him the burst of courage to do so? What made him so daring and brave back then? We had even more shit going on than we do now, believe it or not, and we weren’t much richer.

I don’t pray to God for anything at all. If someone busted in here and held me at gunpoint, God’s the last one I’d be pleading with for mercy. For I would know that if God wanted me unharmed, he would never have sent someone to hold me at gunpoint in the first place.

I thought of another thing that Paula said that has me confused. She acted all surprised that I had to spend the night in jail. Well, if she read my letters, wouldn’t she remember and know that I spent the night in jail? Could any of my letters have gotten lost?

Later…

Tom’s home now. I had him get new scent cartridges. Instead of that way-too-strong and perfumey flowery oil, I had him get vanilla. Vanilla, Country Garden, and strawberry are the best. I took the oil out of its warmer and placed it in the closet. I only have the cartridges in my office and the bedroom. Just in rooms that are “real” rooms. I don’t have anything going in the open part except for the air cleaner.

It may only be the 4th, but I wonder, should I call Don if he doesn’t call me by the 30th?

Somehow I doubt I’ll get that lucky. He’ll call. I’m sure he’ll call. Like I said, something up there really wants me to pay for this. For a lousy letter and phone call. How can people harass their neighbors for years and not expect there to be some kind of consequence? And just what is something up there doing to them for what they did wrong to us?

Nothing. Nothing at all. How stupid of me to even ask, huh? I could be murdered and my murderer would never see justice done to them. They’d probably never get caught, but if they did, they’d get off on some stupid technicality, or they wouldn’t do much time. It’s OK to wrong Jodi S. It’s very OK. God made that clear to me just by the parents he had me born to.

Anyway, no I won’t call Don. I called him and he said he’d call me back, so it wouldn’t be my fault if he didn’t, but like I said, he’ll be calling.

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 3, 2000 There are a lot of things that Tom’s better at than I am, but making pancakes isn’t one of them. He trashed the kitchen making the damn things. But I, who can’t keep her paws off the stuff he buys that I don’t put on the list, and that’s usually not very healthy, make them without making such a mess. I cook them well too, and make them all about the same size.

I’m psyched to say that I finally heard from Paula! Tom brought a letter home from her yesterday, which had her new phone number in it. This was the longest letter she ever wrote, too. Her grammar is not great, but she spells pretty well. I dig how she started off: Dear Jodi – best friend.

She’s been in the same apartment in Chicopee for a record-breaking year and says she’s still waiting for Section 8 or some kind of housing.

I was right about suspecting she lost my number, but I gave it to her when we talked. She asked me once again to try to find a couple of guys online, but I let her know we were ditching the Internet.

I was surprised when she asked - how did you get in all that mess? What happened? What charges did you get? I was like – aren’t you reading my mail? She said she got confused by all the abbreviations I use in her letters, so I let her know I wouldn’t use initials and abbreviations anymore.

She contradicted herself a handful of times. Not intentionally or cuz she just doesn’t care what she tells people which is the case with most people, but just because this is the way Paula is – unable to focus. She said on the phone that she just started a computer training course, yet in her letter, she said she wasn’t going for that till November. She also said there’s no man in her life now. Just that black cop John. Yeah, and I haven’t eaten anything today. Just a sandwich, some soup, some pancakes, and popcorn!

She said she got a computer, but no Internet or printer. Soon she’ll send pictures.

Any CDs I don’t want, send to her. Also, she’ll send me some money to make her tapes of rap music. I told her not to bother sending money and that I’d make her tapes off the satellite. They have a rap channel. I made a tape up already and will send one at a time. That way I can use regular envelopes. She said she likes soul music too, but there’s no soul station. She said she has 5 dolls sitting in her closet. I let her know I’d gladly give them a home if it’d be OK with her.

She said her friend is in prison for 3 years. He’s in for drugs.

She asked how my diet is going and says hers is going well. Then why is she up to 170? The last time we talked, she said she was around 150.

On November 14th she’ll be having surgery for stomach adhesions.

I also talked to her son Justin who’s now 9 years old. We mostly talked about his coin collection. He asked me to send pictures of tarantulas and diamondbacks, and I assured him I would as soon as I could get shots of them. I enclosed his own letter, along with one for Paula, in the envelope containing the first rap tape.

Later…

Tom’s home now, eating the chili mac I made him before he got in.

I had begun typing him a note before he got in, letting him know that I don’t want to screw till after the 30th due to the doubled predictability involved. It’s predictable enough to know he wouldn’t cum (which puts a damper on my cumming) even if we were rich and had nothing going on, but another to really know it with all we have going on, cuz sterile or not, we have to take responsibility and make sure that he doesn’t cum, like it or not, as long as we don’t know if I’m going to jail, and as long as we’re broke and don’t know what’s going on with Mary. I don’t like the 2-minute quickies with all its limitations and restrictions. I want to wait until we can let our guards down and not have to be so cautious. After we take care of Mom, Mary, the courts, and get a little more stable financially, then we can screw, unless he insists we keep up on it anyway. I told him, If I don’t hear any protests from you, I’ll assume you’re OK with this plan, and remember, I can get you just as hard by hand as I can with my crotch, so if that’s all you need anyway, then feel free to ask me for handjobs along the way. For a while, I was comfortable with our routine, but for now, I can’t screw when each session feels so planned, mapped out and predictable. I need a little more spontaneity, surprise and variety.

MONDAY, OCTOBER 2, 2000 Took some gorgeous sunrise pictures the other day. The sun was so reddish that it looked more like a sunset. It’s so cool how you can actually see the sun rising up over the horizon, unlike back east. It’s just not flat enough back east.

Anyway, I have a zillion things to catch up on. First of all, we got the big-screen TV, and I ordered a mural!! I never would’ve gotten the mural if Tom hadn’t accidentally gotten credit from Lowe’s Hardware. Let me go in order of events…

First of all, we’re both doubting Dan’s here. When Tom was coming home one day he saw the people a couple of properties ahead of Dan’s, that you can’t see from this house cuz of too much vegetation in the way (you could easily see 4 or 5 properties in Phoenix!), pull out in front of him, then turn into Dan’s. Well, as I’ve been saying, it’s been awfully quiet over there, not to mention the gate being open funny and the strange lighting patterns. Dan never leaves outside lights on overnight. He also guns his engines much more often, for more than a minute at a time, and he blasts music, too.

On the other hand, the people could’ve been going just to visit. Remember, these properties are huge. No one walks from property to property here. Even next door drove over here when they came to ask us about those stray dogs. I also thought I saw him in his standard white T and cap, but couldn’t swear to it cuz the person was so far away; around 500’ away.

Saturday morning we headed for Lowe’s first and got held up by creepers both ways. I just don’t get why the fuck everyone’s so afraid to drive the speed limit out here. We just can’t go anywhere without some creep holding us up! Anyway, I was really surprised Lowe’s had murals. I didn’t think they would. They didn’t have the water lamp.

Tom picked up some hooks for his pegboard, a blank faceplate for where the satellite connection used to be, and I picked out a decorative faceplate for the kitchen light switch. It’s a soft pastel-colored tulip design with pink, blue and yellow. After Tom dragged me around the store for what seemed like an eternity, we finally found the wallpaper section. The one I picked out is what I figured I pick – something tropical. A palm-treed beach scene. The only negative is that it’s close to 6’ wide and not 8’, so once it’s centered on the wall it’s going on, there’ll be a foot-and-a-half gap on either side. It’s 6’4” wide and 8’ tall. I’m going to have it come down from the ceiling. There’ll probably be about 2’ of space under it. We didn’t want it delivered to the house since people have such a hard time finding the place, so we’ll pick it up at Lowe’s in a couple of weeks. We got an awesome deal on the thing, too. I expected it’d cost around $80, but instead it was on sale for $45. Tom applied for a credit card with them, expecting to get rejected and expecting to get a watch they offer for applying, but to his surprise, he got accepted.

Later…

Although I still have a lot to write about, I took a break so I could get my workout out of the way, and watch a movie on the big TV. I also saw part of an old rerun of Little House on the Prairie, and was like – wow!

After we left Lowe’s, we went to Mary and Dave’s. We weren’t there long. We said hello to Mom, grabbed a soda to share, a cookie for me, and then loaded up the TV and file cabinet. Once we got home, Tom pulled the stairs away so that Dave could back the truck right up to the door. That made bringing in the TV much easier.

I wasn’t happy to find that while we were out, Jehovah’s Witnesses had stopped by. You mean to tell me that out here, where people live on 10-acre ranches, religious fanatics badger people? Great. All the more reason to appreciate the exterior fence with the no-trespassing signs it’ll have once we get them up in God knows how many years. I want it to be a real bitch for anyone to come to the door. I want them to have to get out of their car and then to have to climb over a barbed-wire fence if they want to come to these doors that bad.

Anyway, Mary and Dave didn’t stay long. I showed them my office since Tom and I swapped desks, gave them cans of soda for the road, then off they went.

So, we’ve gone from a 19” TV to a 25” TV and now to a 46” TV! I can’t believe someone just gave us this TV, and that Lowe’s had murals! We are going to be so compensated for this! I tremble just thinking about it! No one gives us something for nothing in God’s eyes, not that we’ve never given them anything or that Tom hasn’t done anything for them. Still, what’s acceptable for others isn’t always acceptable for us. Meaning that it may be OK in God’s eyes for some people to do 50% for someone who’s done them 100%, but we’re expected to do 150% for those who do us 100%.

The TV screen doesn’t feel like glass like regular TVs do, cuz it’s literally a TV screen. It’s a type of vinyl material with tiny grooves that the picture projects onto. If you get too far toward the sides of it, the picture gets darker and harder to see.

Anyway, it’s awesome, and so is its sound. It sounds almost as good as the speakers that we always had hooked to our other TVs, so when I want to play the 70s and 80s music stations, I get great sound. This is the kind of TV apartment tenants would love to have to sic on other tenants. Especially in a culture that believes music is something to be shared. People in houses would love it, too. Primarily where the houses were just a few feet apart. You can really open the windows and let the sound out!

It was so nice to finally go out together someplace other than to courts, dentists, therapists and shit like that. It was so nice to go out simply to have fun and get something fun for us.

So, going from room to room, I still have the blue card table and the walker stored in the retreat, along with a big stuffed animal, and a couple of other little odds and ends. All I have on those walls are a couple of small cactus pictures I printed/framed. The small shelves that were in my office holding my box, one of the stereo speakers, and a doll or two, are now in the bedroom by his side of the bed. It’s got dolls and books on it for the most part. As for wall changes in there, I took down the Indian picture that was by my side of the bed and centered it over my desk in the office. It looks great there. Its brown frame goes well with the brown desk. I only have 5 things in the bedroom, and boy does it look great in there. I have the pastel ballerina picture on his side of the bed over the shelves and another cute pastel picture of a little girl and boy on a beach on my side of the bed. They go well together. Over the bed is a long picture of cute puppies and flowers. Towards the front of the room, closer to the dresser than the bed, I have a brown shelf on the wall outside the closet, and a fancy mask opposite that by the bathroom door.

In the living room, just inside the front door to the right, is that large picture of a field of purple flowers with mountains in the background. To the left of the door and to the left of the windows, is that picture I printed out of bunnies. This is also where we put the 25” TV (I guess the 19” will go in his office). To the right of the windows is a contemporary drawing of a woman’s face, then I put my 3 black plastic musical notes on the wall behind the mice, each one higher than the other, following the rising slant of the ceiling. The mural is going to go straight across from the front door where the rats are, and to go with it, I put a long tropical picture on the wall to the right of it. The musical notes used to be to the right of the back door, but now there’s a mirror there. I took down the piano picture that was to the left of this door and put up a tiger picture (the piano picture not only broke out of its frame, but it isn’t even wrapped in plastic like my other frameless pictures are). The tigers had been in the den where the big TV is now. Because it’s nearly as tall as I am, I don’t have anything in the center there behind it, but to the left of the TV, to balance off with our wedding picture to the right, I put a cactus picture up. The loveseat is now where the entertainment center used to be, and this is where that long tropical picture was. I put my pink floral tree next to the loveseat, and my blue-feathered dream catcher above the loveseat. The couch, chair and tables have remained where they were. Nothing to change in the guest room either, but my office is where the entertainment center now is. It looks better than I thought it would, and black goes better with the brown than the whitewash. We basically have brown in the guest room, brown and black in my office, black with gold accents in the den and dining area, whitewash in the kitchen, baths and bedroom, and nothing in particular in the retreat, living room and his office. Well, perhaps you could say the living room’s brown and black. The mice’s tables and the TV stand are brown, and the Bowflex is black. So are the bars of the rat’s cage.

Some rooms have taken on themes. Dolls are the definite theme of my office and the bedroom, and flowers are the main theme in the kitchen and den. The rest of the rooms have a mix of things. As I teasingly told Tom, the theme in his office is junk! Although, he’s been surprisingly low on the clutter in there lately.

Later…

I took a piece of material that I don’t plan to use and put it in the corner behind the rat’s cage. Houdini loves to play in the pile of material, and he loves to play with me too, when I shake it around. I slip my hand under it and wiggle the material around and he dives into it like a puppy. He dives under its folds and I poke at him and he tries to get me through the material. It’s so cute. It’s so cool having animals that play with you besides with each other and by themselves. Just like yesterday when he was waiting for me at the side of the cage when I got up. However, unlike yesterday, he came out on his own to play shortly after I got up. He doesn’t usually come out on weekends when Tom’s home all the time. I have to sort of coax him out when he’s home and not in bed.

I decided to make my wake-up time 7:00 for a while. That way I’ll be more available to play freeloader and deal with courts and probation officers when I’m forced to.

Yesterday morning we bombed. We weren’t going to bomb for another month but we found a good deal on bombs at Lowe’s so we decided to go ahead and do it. With this one, we only needed to be out for two hours. We went to Circle K. As always, cleaning up afterward was a bitch. I had to square away the animals, run many loads through the dishwasher, then do the laundry and wipe down countertops.

We ended up screwing yesterday for the first time in what? A month? I asked him why now, and he said it had to do with Mary. Because he’s in a situation he’s never been in before, he had to sit and sort through his thoughts/feelings in his mind and ask himself what his responsibilities should be. I think his just being there for them and doing what he can possibly do to help is taking enough responsibility. Meanwhile, Mary and Dave aren’t his “responsibility,” so to speak. Nonetheless, this is all well and good, and I understand how depressed and worried he is over Mary, but there’s always something eating at him, preventing us from getting together, making sure we have little bursts of sex, and confusing the hell out of me. Just when I think we’re settling into a platonic relationship, he decides he misses me, as he put it. Again, I understand this thing with Mary, but I also feel that he’s using life’s BS, whether it’s a new problem or not, as an excuse. It’s a tool he uses to avoid regular sex. But I don’t want regular sex. We don’t have to screw every week, but when more than two weeks go by, I don’t know what to think.

Anyway, this discussion led to our 7-year argument over a kid. He still swears that he’s not controlling me from having a kid. No, that’s God’s department. But a guy who refuses to let his cum enter a woman is just as controlling. A guy who refuses to let his cum enter a woman is afraid of her conceiving and is making sure that that doesn’t happen, whether she wants a kid or not. I could’ve kicked myself for letting the argument start, though. What did I think it was going to change? He’ll never give me normal, satisfying, fulfilling sex, sterile or not. He’s been the way he is for 7 years, and he’ll be the way he is for another 7, and another 7, and another 7…

Sex still hurts. I’m 100% sure this pain is a permanent thing that’ll never go away. Why has God always been so damn determined to curse me sexually? First I’m humiliated with freaky sex, and now it has to hurt, too?!

Tom’s been asking himself questions like, what if Mary’s treatment turns out to be a big deal and her cancer keeps reoccurring? What if she dies? I asked him, wouldn’t his Mom come to live with us if she died? He said not if I didn’t think I could handle it. I asked him if he thought I could handle it and he said yes. Because his actions have made me believe he doesn’t think I could handle a kid, and because God’s actions and plans for me certainly made me believe I couldn’t handle the responsibility of taking care of anyone, young or old, I lost faith in myself. So, later on I asked myself to set aside what God’s obvious opinion is of my abilities and what Tom says he thinks, and ask myself – do I think I can handle caring for his mother?

Yes. But only because I can now keep a schedule. If I still couldn’t keep a schedule, I’d have to say no.

Mary’s attitude about what’s going on with her never ceases to amaze me. She’s taking it so well! I can’t observe her 24/7, but she sure seems to be handling it a lot better than I ever could. I’d be pissed and scared, running around muttering – why me, why me? Maybe that’s why I haven’t had any health problems lately; because God only gives us what we can handle. Well, some of us, anyway. On the other hand, I could barely handle that vicious cycle of asthma attacks. I even contemplated suicide cuz it was so bad. When you can’t breathe, you tend to feel and think that way. I wonder how many times my health will compensate for itself. Meaning, this being healthy like I have been is no doubt compensation for the shitty health I was in from the late 80s to the early 90s, but will I get hit with problems later on down the road for this time of healthfulness?