#they were so quick to notice the slightest change of my overall mood. and still are

[ii-zi]

not to be miserable on main but I miss my brain so so so so so much like it's obviously still working it's clearly still there and for some reason still holding on better than I thought it'd at this point and it's still not quiet or bored or anything?? But two years ago (before I got sick ™) I could still play literally entire movies in my head beat by beat just by zoning out, I could recall entire book chapters upon request repeat practically everything I had processed and now I'm lucky if I can finish the lyrics of a song I'm listening to.

my friends are always trying to cheer me up as much as they can praising me and whatnot and I appreciate it immensely but it's impossible for them to get it. It's not that I think myself inferior just bc or that I suddenly am undeserving of the same praises. They never lived inside of it. They never felt how alive my mind was after I woke up, how I legit didn't have the ability to even feel alone bc of the speed it worked at. I never even bothered working to express what I was thinking. I didn't have to make an effort to structure or formalize conceptual nebulae bc the transition simply happened. Everything simply was. Nothing ever didn't make sense. And I'm never getting that back

[9tzuyu]

children of tragedy (rewrite)

note: heyo, rewriting an old fic of mine. i hope to be able to rewrite all 5 chapters quickly. if you guys don’t like it, i won’t continue because its kinda dark and idk i feel like no ones gonna like it anyways. please leave feedback though, im on my knees begging for validation. also sorry if its ooc, please forgive me.

++ sorry the beginning reveals how rusty my writing is </3

(*** i wrote this as as a fem reader fic because it worked easier with how i wrote things.)

+ please remember that this is purely a way to get out my own feelings/struggles in a healthy way. also i’m sure this works better as a ship fic, but someone asked for this version so yeah :).

** mistakes are mine im too tired and lazy to proofread right now.

warnings: talk of alcohol abuse, slight mention of domestic abuse.

🏷 @peggycarter-steverogers

ch.2 | ch.3

[love, fragility, and the memories that eat us alive.]

meeting wanda changed everything for you. she wasn't like anyone you’d ever known. she was always kind, never quick to lose her temper or scream and yell at you for things you couldn't possibly control. she was warm, tender with everything she did.

your relationship with her was very new to you. it was much different in comparison to your past experiences — and you weren't quite sure what to think of it. there was no doubt that you appreciated her and everything she did for you, but you were still waiting for her to snap. it was almost like a need burning throughout your body. being able to grasp the idea that someone could ever really, truly be gentle with you was out of the question. in turn, you’d push all of her buttons, hoping that she would get mad enough and get it over with.

no one could really fault you for it. the steady stream of abuse was the nearly the entirety of your life, both physical and mental.

lately wanda was having to pick you up from wherever she could find you, most of the time in the alleyways of of bars you’d been kicked from.

once you were drunk enough (anyone really) you weren’t afraid to say the first thing that came to your mind, offensive or not – which meant it was no surprise when you’d been involved in fights. the alcohol numbed a majority of the pain anyway, so didn’t really make much of a difference to you.

with this happening so many times, you figured wanda would be angry with you – perhaps so angry she would find it within her to hit you. but each and every time wanda brought you home, she made sure you were comfortable before tending to your inuries.

what you didn't know was that being so worried for you all the time, every second of everyday, was beginning to take a toll on her. wanda only wanted to fix you, but you were making it more than difficult for her to do that.

she knew very little about your past, simply because you didn't like talking about it and she didn't want to push. but there was no denying the fact that wanda was curious.

sometimes she would ask questions, only between the soft moments the both of you shared. much to her dismay, most of her curiosities were turned down. on the rare occasions you shared brighter memories of your childhood, wanda would bookmark them in the back of her head.

no harm would ever come from her, but you didn’t know that. at least not right now.

too many times had your exes used the trust you’d so politely given against you. to be fair with wanda though, you shared only the brightest parts of your childhood. they were very seldom, but the ones you could remember were the ones you enjoyed talking about the most. 

despite her limited knowledge, it wasn’t hard for her to tell that you’d already been hurt plenty of times before. apart from the fact that wanda was overall truly a good person, it made her even more gentle with you than she’d ever been with anyone before. 

on top of that, wanda wasn’t stupid. she picked up on every little flinch you tried to hide, or the times you had to ask her if it was okay if you could do something on your own free will, and she definitely didn’t forget about the countless times you berated yourself over small, humanly mistakes. a frown never failed to decorate her face when these things happened. 

wanda tried her hardest to make it known how much she loved you, and how she would never intentionally hurt you. she never once lifted a hand on you or raised her voice in the slightest, even when she felt like she’d met a breaking point.

the last few weeks seemed to be putting more stress on her than usual. the gashes on your body seemed to be cutting deeper and the bruises on your jaw and rib cage were beginning to turn a darker shade of indigo as each fight became more aggressive. your knuckles had been swollen, irritated to the point your hands trembled when your palms were held open.  

you completely missed how drastically wanda’s mood had changed. she became quiet, seemingly lost in thought most of the time until she needed to take care of you. she grew tired, a purple tint claiming a spot below the lip of her eyes. fifteen pounds of weight had shredded from her body and her head grew dizzy every time she stood up. none of that mattered to wanda though, you were her number one priority.

alcohol was the biggest issue in the way. if wanda could get you to stop drinking for just one night she might be able to reason with you. 

the brunette knew that was out of the question though, because she knew no matter how many times she told or expressed her love for you, you wouldn’t stop until you wanted to, not when she wanted you to. 

you never allowed yourself to be vulnerable around her, so she never knew how you truly felt about the things going wrong in your life. there was an unbearable amount of pain when it came to confronting what you tried so hard to push away. the idea of allowing yourself to heal, to mourn the things taken away from you caused a lump in the back of your throat. living in denial was the easiest way to cope - that was as long as you could bear the damage it created.

 (and whether wanda knew it or not, knowing that you were causing her so much misery was the worst feeling you’d ever faced. all she had ever given you was love and in return she was met with destruction.)

so once again you found yourself walking alone, a slight stagger between steps. it was cold, each breath exhaled from your lips could be seen vaporizing into the air. every movement ripped what balance you thought you’d gained right out from underneath you. the feeling of numbness in your fingertips brought your attention away from the fact that you didn’t know where you were. 

the buildings all looked familiar, but everything was hazy. being drunk wasn’t always the fun everyone bragged about. too tired to carry on, you found yourself slumped in the back of an alleyway next to a dirty garbage bin. it reeked of sour, expired food, but you’d given up on caring about anything else other than trying to drink yourself numb. 

your mind began to wander. flashes of early mornings with wanda’s hands wrapped around your waist, breath tickling the back of your neck while the sun began to rise started filling your thoughts. the warm feeling wanda gave you outweighed every bad emotion you could possibly think of.

but as you stared at the ground beneath your feet things began to spiral. your throat contracted, the guilt you tried so hard to swallow began clawing its way out of your body.

(and holy fuck you could not deal with this right now.)

you curled your head between your legs in an attempt to shield yourself away from something that was born from the inside.

it was too much.

without a chance to stop what was happening, your stomach began heaving. a mix of bile and alcohol drooled from your mouth as you continued to vomit.

you missed the sound of footsteps coming from behind you. the feeling of a hand on your shoulder caused you to jerk back, slamming your back into the brick wall.

“hey, hey, it’s me. you’re okay. it’s just me, wanda.” she cooed.

through teary eyes, you looked up at the woman in front of you.

she’s your girlfriend.

(but you weren’t sure that you deserved to call her that after everything you’ve put her through.)

“what are you doing here?” your voice wavered as you wiped your mouth free of excess vomit. you sniffled backing away from her.

she tilted her head, desperate to read what your eyes would give away. “i’m here to bring you back home. can you stand up for me?” you shook your head. you were too exhausted and dizzy from the alcohol to even think about standing.

“that’s okay,” she whispered. “here, i’m going to pick you up, okay? wrap your arms around my neck and your legs around my hips.”

“mkay.” your speech was still slurred, but at that point all wanda cared about was getting you home safe.

you didn’t remember the ride home or wanda carrying you out of the car to lay you on the couch. by the time she got the supplies she needed to wrap and tend to your wounds, you were completely passed out.

when you woke up you were greeted with a glass of water and an over the counter pain medication. you swallowed the pills and moved to set the glass on the coffee table, but wanda beat you to it and took it out of your hands. she smiled down at you, taking a seat next to you. she tucked your hair behind your ears, giving your face one last gentle stroke.

thats when you noticed her eyes were red.

you immediately sat up, crossing your legs and moved closer to her. you’d hoped to comfort her somehow, but the shake of her head broke sonething inside you.

you bit your lip, anxiety shooting throughout your body. she sensed your nervousness and took your hands in hers, rubbing circles on the outside of your wrist with her thumbs.

“i love you, you know that. at least i hope you do,” she let out a soft laugh. “but i can’t keep doing this.”

your heart dropped, and you could feel the all too familiar feeling of guilt building its way back up. you tried to speak, but wanda cut you off.

“i need you to hear this.”

when you didn’t respond she took the opportunity to continue saying what she needed to get out.

“i have exhausted myself to a breaking point. i can’t keep worrying about you every single night you’re gone. i can’t be there every time you need saving. i’m losing myself.”

she paused to check and see how you were handling her words. for once you weren’t shutting down. you were genuinely trying to process what she was trying to say.

(and she was so proud of you for that. she almost considered giving you another chance. but she knew for the better, she couldn’t do that. not to you, not to her.)

“i’ve packed your things. you can leave tomorrow morning if you wish, i don’t mind having you for another meal or two.”

she squeezed your hands and got up from the couch, allowing you to take in what she said. it was in that moment when you realized that even when she’d finally drawn the line, had enough, she didn’t yell at you. she wasn’t angry, she was just sad.

you were chasing after something that wasn’t there, and it never would be there.

and now you were able to register just how much you’d fucked up the one good thing in your life.

[marsupials-of-mars]

Regicide

(A little bit of inspiration drawn from @sweetest-honeybee s Kingceit doodles)

What do you MEAN you won't?!" Deceit stood cold, frozen, immobile. He seemed to refuse to believe what they had just requested. "You can't just STOP! What about me?! About us?! What about what we had?!"

Roman attempted to avoid eye contact, but found it difficult once Remus had shoved him forward and ducked behind him.

"We just... we've been doing this so long now, and we all know it's not what anyone wants."

"Who knows that?! Who said I know that?! It IS what I want! It's what he wants!" Deceit bared his fangs as he shouted, a hiss from deep within his throat mixing with his words.

"But..." Remus peered over Roman's shoulder. "It's NOT what he want's. It's not because of you, he just doesn't want to BE anymore. He almost isn't him, and it's about to feel like an act to keep going."

"Then let him act!" Deceit gritted his teeth at his own words. They tasted sour in his mouth, but the thought of losing him for good was even worse. "I love him!"

Roman shook his head and reached out for Deceit's arm, but he quickly jerked it away. Roman sighed. "You won't love him. You loved him. But he's not gonna be the same anymore. I know it, Remus knows it, he knows it. And I know you know it. Trust us, it's less painful for everyone this way."

"Nothing could be more painful than this!" Tears sprang to Deceit's eyes. "You're KILLING him! You're MURDERING my King! And you expect me to just accept that?" The anger in his voice quickly drained until nothing was left but grief. "Please... I need him. I'm begging you, you know I don't beg..."

"I am partial to begging..." Remus met Roman's eyes and wiggled his brows.

"Cut it out! Not the time!" Roman sharply shoved his brother. Remus coughed and looked at his feet.

"Yeah sorry I uh... it's how I lighten the mood..." his voice was uncharacteristically soft and apologetic. He looked back up at Deceit. "We do care... but it hurts to be King. Like the bad kind of hurt, painful hurt. It's like trying to hold your head together as it's splitting down the middle." Remus demonstrated, a crack running down his skull and his head falling open to expose red goo and grey matter. Deceit jerked back. "But way less fun."

Roman chimed in: "Every time you see him, he's in pain. He hides it because he loves you but... it's getting unbearable. Remus and I, we're not parts of a whole in the slightest, and King can tell. We used to be the good and the bad, we could click together like puzzle pieces. But we're... rounded. And the pieces don't fit anymore."

Deceit clenched his fists and squeezed his eyes shut. "I... undersss.. ssstand. But.. pleasss..sse... at leassss-ss-st let me ssse-sssee him one lasss-st-st time? To sssay goodbye?" His voice broke. His hiss had worsened in his hysteria, each S a struggle, slowing his sentences to a sluggish pace, but the brothers were patient. It was the absolute least they could do.

"Um..." Roman wrung his hands nervously. "I-uh... we don't... I mean..."

"Of course we will! Ain't that right Lame-miserables?" Remus elbowed Roman sharply in the ribs without breaking eye contact with Deceit. "The least we can do!"

Roman looked up at Remus. He finally noticed something he hadn't before. Unmistakable love. His smile was anxious but soft, his gaze warm and sympathetic. It wasn't quite clear what kind of love it was, but Remus cared immensely, more than Roman had seen him care for anything in a long time. It clearly changed Roman's heart, because before he could stop himself he was agreeing.

"Yeah, of course we will, we want this to be as painless as possible for everyone."

"How long do I have?" Deceit grabbed Roman's shoulders. Roman had never seen him this emotional, without his usual calm collected exterior.

"Um..." Roman looked at Remus, who shrugged. "Ten..." Remus frantically gestured to raise the number. Roman grimaced but complied. "Twenty minutes. Twenty minutes to say what you need to say."

Roman had never known exactly what Deceit and King talked about. All he retained was a feeling, a distinct lack of the fear regarding Deceit that the other lights seemed to have. When Deceit acted tough or collected, Roman couldn't quite take what he was saying at face value, could feel his more personal motivation, the feelings Deceit had about his contributions.

He was overall more quick to open himself to Deceit's side, and from that he'd realized that Deceit must talk often with King about his deeper feelings and ideas. He would only open up like that to someone he felt extremely close to. He was very secretive in general, and the act of revealing even the smallest bit of personal information seemed incredibly intimate to him. Roman wasn't quite sure what Remus experienced from King, but he always assumed it might be similar.

"And then...?" Deceit gripped Roman's sash and twisted it around white knuckles. His eyes were pleading, hopeful.

"And then we're done." Roman gently lowered Deceit's hands. "I'm sorry."

"Monthly! How about monthy?! Every other month? Yearly?" Deceit looked to Remus.

"We... will think about it." Remus's smile was strained. He couldn't operate on the spot, pinned by Deceit's desperate stare. Roman had to be the bad cop, no matter how backwards it seemed.

"NO. We won't think about it. Do you REALLY want a relationship monthly, or every other month, or yearly, where you get twenty minutes with an in pain and slowly fading shell of who you really want to be with? You need to let him go, rip off that bandaid rather than slowly peeling it off over... who knows how long you want to keep this up?"

"But Remus just said-!"

"Remus is an idiot! You're hysterical if you're hung up on what he said!" Roman took Deceit's shoulder. "Look, don't think about this now. Just enjoy your last bit with him."

Deceit slowly loosened his grip and the desperation faded, replaced now by a sort of empty acceptance. "I... okay. Let me sssee him."

Roman nodded and looked to Remus. "Ready?"

Remus fell into Roman without a second thought, eager to give Deceit closure. His tentacles wrapped Roman's waist and shoulders and Roman resisted his instinct to recoil. He leaned in and touched their foreheads together. His brother's breath smelled awful and he could feel himself getting more disgusting by the second. His final thought, before he lost himself, was how relieved he was that would never have to bare a fusion again.

King woke with a splitting headache. He rubbed his temples as he slowly opened his eyes, the light sending more piercing pain through his skull.

"King!" He looked down in time to see Deceit barrel into him with open arms, knocking him to the ground.

"Woah! You're hardly a hugger..." He rubbed Deceit's back.

"I am when you're DYING jackass!"

King winced at the volume. "Aw, cmon, I'm not dying. I'm just... not gonna be around anymore."

"That's no different!"

Deceit pushed his face into King's sash and flicked out his tongue, drawing in his scent while he still could. King was the only one who knew most of Deceit's "embarrassing" habits and reflexes, though he tried to convince Deceit that they were adorable. In turn, Deceit was the only one who knew some of King's secrets, such as;

"I don't know what I'm going to do without you Tiberinus..." Deceit spoke softly and gripped King's sash.

"You're going to be the best goddamn side in the mindscape, you're going to get your points across, you're going to open yourself up, you're going to SMILE and you're going to do anything else you damn well please because you're DECEIT and your your own wonderful amazing sexy person."

Deceit scoffed. "Yeah, I'm sure..."

King stuck him with a stern look. "You're going to SMILE. Because you have the most radiant smile and the sickest fangs i've ever seen, and it's not fair that I'm the only one who gets to see that with any regularity. It's absolutely sinister."

"I'm sinister." Deceit hissed.

"No, honestly right now you seem pretty sniffly and cuddly. And in any case sinister people still gotta smile from time to time. Look at the joker."

"Oh, the joker! What a fun and convincing comparison!" Deceit rolled his eyes.

"You get what I mean though, I don't want to be the only one you can talk to because then you'll stop talking altogether. You have so many amazing things to say, and as much as I love being your outlet, if you keep plugging everything into a single outlet your house is bound to burn down. And if you only trust that one outlet and it burns out, you'll be some idiot sitting in the dark surrounded by perfectly functional outlets upset that you can't read your book. Comprendo? "

Deceit let out a lengthy sigh. "What if my lamp can only reach one outlet?"

"Then you move the lamp. You may get some weird shadows and you might have to sit at the other end of the couch. But you'll still be able to read."

Deceit slapped King's knee in frustration. "See?! You can come up with these perfect metaphors and figure out feelings so easily. I'm not good at that."

"Patton is good at that. And Logan, and sometimes even Roman and Remus. I don't get it from nowhere. You're gonna be okay."

"Who's going to act with me?"

"Roman."

"Who's going to help me when I'm sick?"

"Patton."

"Who's going to make me laugh?"

"Remus, Roman, Logan... they're funny if you ever tried talking to them. You need to think outside your tiny me-centered box. You just have to try a little. Honestly... this might be for the best."

Deceit bolted upright. "How can you say that?! How could this possibly be for the best?! You're DYING!"

"Okay, yknow what? I'm breaking up with you."

Deceit paused. "What?"

"I'm breaking up with you. Looks like you have to move on now. And you're not going to see me anymore. Because we're broken up."

Deceit blinked. "What are you doing?"

"Look, what's harder? Your beloved dying, or never again having to see that awful ex you hate? So I hate you, and we're through."

Deceit stared a moment before breaking into laughter. King relished the last time he'd hear that laugh.

"Fuck you!" Deceit shoved his shoulder.

"That's the spirit! I hate your guts!"

"Go to hell!"

"See you there!"

"I hope I do so I can kill you again!"

"You gotta kill me first you coward!"

Deceit fell into King's arms in fits of laughter.

"God I'm gonna miss you Tiber...I dunno if-"

"Nah. Not allowed. Chin up, Scales. You got this."

King suddenly felt a dampness on his chest. Deceit shook with sobs, gripping King's waist until it was almost painful. He placed a hand on Deceit's trembling back and trailed his fingers down his spine, softly, slowly, as he got it all out.

"Shhh... yeah, I know..." He wiped Deceit's wet cheek with his thumb.

"I don't want you to go... I know you think I can handle it, and I probably can I just... I still don't want you to leave me."

"I'm not going anywhere. I keep saying, it's not like I'm dying. I'll still be with you, and not even in a cheesy spiritual way, all that makes me up is still inside Roman and Remus. I know it doesn't seem like me, and I know it's way different from talking to me, but I'll always be there. I'll know what you're up to and I'll be watching. In the creepiest way possible. So you'd better not mope around once I'm out of here because I see all."

"Comforting..." Though it was sarcastic, King could tell that he'd managed to calm Deceit a good amount. His head ached from being together so long. He looked up at the clock on the wall.

"Twenty minutes. Looks like it's time to- Ow! Shut up! We agreed- You're disgusting!" He gripped his head. Deceit looked up at him anxiously.

"Tiber? What's going on?"

"Ah, just... bickering." King forced a smile. "Twenty minutes is up and they really want to split."

"Oh." Deceit took a deep breath and wiped his eyes. "About that... does it really hurt you? Have you been hurting? And keeping that from me? I would have wanted you to tell me... this might have been less unexpected."

"Oh so you're the only one who gets to keep secrets?" Deceit pulled back at the jab and King felt immediately guilty.

"Sorry, I'm just... headache. I wanted to hold it together. I wasn't planning this, I thought I could handle it. Because I love you, and I didnt want to do this to you. But I finally realized that it would be unfair to both of us if I ended up something that... wasn't me. I know it was selfish...I had some warning, I helped make the choice, so I got a head start on the mourning. But you only get... twenty minutes..." King hissed at the sharp pain in his skull. Deceit studied his face.

"Honestly... truly and honestly... I wouldn't have wanted you to tell me sooner. That would have just prolonged the inevitable. I wouldn't have been able to enjoy what I did have with you without worrying that everything we were dojng would be for the last time. And there's no use being mad anyway, I've lost any time I would have had to teach you any lessons."

"Eh, I don't learn anyways. uGH SHUT UP!" King covered his mouth and squeezed his eyes tightly shut to ward off his headache. "Sorry... I need to go."

"I know." Deceit helped King to his feet and wrapped his arms around his waist. He stared a moment. "Know that every second I spent with you makes up for this moment."

"You sappy snake..." King leaned his forehead against the top of Deceit's head. "One more for the road?"

"Like I'd let you go without it."

King tipped Deceit's chin up with a knuckle. He savored his last look into his lover's eyes, one a radiant yellow and the other a warm honey brown. He tried to burn the image into his mind, wherever it would end up. Only once he was convinced that he had it did he lean down to meet Deceit's lips with his own.

For that moment, he forgot about the pain, and he could ignore the taste of salt on both their lips. It was bliss, the kind he would never have again, the kind that was so perfect that he didn't need to.

He felt his body begin to warm, then a buzzing, a tingling throughout his skin. His headache built to a dull pulse. He pulled Deceit tighter, for what he could tell was his final second.

And then he was gone.

Roman woke with tears on his face and a rapidly beating heart. He looked up, first at Remus, who was no better off then he was, then to Deceit.

He was trembling, fingers poised over his lips as though he were afraid to touch them directly. His eyes were vacant and upturned, as if he hadn't quite noticed that whatever he'd been looking at had since left his line of sight.

Roman debated, for a moment, whether to speak or to leave him to his own thoughts. After weighing his options, he decided on the latter. He looked to Remus, who had already lunged forward to wrap Deceit in a hug, and had been returned with a shaky hand slowly closed onto his back.

Roman gulped and made his way over. He let his knuckles brush Deceit's as a gentle invitation. Deceit quickly accepted, intertwining their fingers and squeezing tightly.

"Can you feel him?" Deceit's voice was nearly inaudible. "Is he there?"

Roman stared at Deceit's soft profile. A warmth grew in his chest, a feeling that could have been his, but not quite. And it was clear.

"Yes. And he loves you a whole lot."

A ghost of a smile pulled at Deceit's lips.

"I know."

[justsomewhump]

Memories Revealed (11/?)

@killian-whump’s original piece is here, and you can read my additions from the beginning here.

Warnings: Rape, memory wipe, near-drowning, blood, nosebleed. Make sure to read all the tags on AO3 too in case I’ve forgotten to mention anything.

Tagging @sherlockianwhovian, @hookaroo, @hollyethecurious, @mathildia, @kingofmyheart14, @wyntereyez and @cocohook38. If you want to be tagged/untagged, hit me up!

Word count: 1.8k AO3

~ Set in a time between season 6 and season 7

~

Snow and David's new place wasn't all that different from their old loft, after all. Of course, it had more room and a garden, but overall its style was pretty reminiscent of their previous home.

Even the bathroom, he couldn't help noticing, when he excused himself to use it. He smiled to himself, though, thinking how in all his centuries, bathrooms in that world were one of the things that had caught his attention the most, and probably always would.

Wiping his hand dry, he turned for the door and reached for the handle, when it opened all too sudden and quick.

He saw Gold for a split second before something flew towards his face. Killian closed his eyes and took a step back as a thick scent entered his nostrils. He coughed - was that some kind of powder?

He opened his eyes again when he heard the door close, and saw Gold step toward him and put his hand over his mouth.

"Shh," Gold said. "No need to make a fuss about it."

Killian moaned under Gold's hand. What was he doing?!

"Don't worry, the drug is already having its effect, so I'll let you go soon enough."

Drug?!

Indeed, why wasn't Killian fighting him off?

Killian tried to raise his arms to push Gold away, but he could barely lift them halfway through before they fell limp on his sides.

As did he.

Gold wrapped his arm around him, holding him up while he watched in shock.

"Stay quiet," Gold whispered and took his hand away from Killian's mouth, then tapped his finger on Killian's lips. "And I promise I'll be quick about it."

He then leaned in and kissed him. A shocked whimper left Killian as he tried to command his arms to come up and push him off him, to no avail.

Gold pulled back a bit and smiled at him. "Not much of a response there, but I guess that was the purpose of the drug."

No...

Gold placed him face down on counter by the sink and started undoing his pants.

Killian focused solely on trying to wiggle away and scream for help, but his whole body seemed to have given up on him. He could barely even whimper.

"Yes," Gold said as if reading his thoughts. "The drug immobilizes you, but trust me, you'll feel all the pain in your unresponsive flesh."

No. No, no, he had to stop him!

He focused hard, even felt his throat constrict from the effort to shout for help, but no single sound came out.

The seconds seemed to pass too quickly while Gold was preparing himself, and all of a sudden, he was sliding inside him.

A guttural groan left him as he felt his breath leave him, and was left unable to breathe for several seconds as the pain felt all too much.

"Impressive," Gold said. "Even when you're limp as a noodle I can still find the right way to fuck you breathless."

Gold moved a little back, then slammed into him again, and this time Killian managed to let out a pitiful whimper.

"Oh. So that's how you sound when you don't hold it all back." Another thrust, another whimper. "Would you look at that. You can't scream for help when you want to, and you can't hold it back when you don't want me to hear it." Another thrust, another whimper, louder this time. "Perhaps I'll need to use that drug again some time."

He then leaned forward, still thrusting. Killian groaned again as the new position gave Gold deeper access, and this time he could swear he must have been heard outside, despite the music that even reached inside the bathroom.

"That might be a problem though," Gold said, then appeared to be thinking before his eyes lit up and a smile appeared on his face. He put the sink tap on then turned the faucet on. "Let's see how loud you can scream underwater."

Killian whimpered again, looking in horror as the sink filled with water. Gold slowed down and didn't thrust as hard, but Killian was terrified to think that would change as soon as there would be enough water in the sink for his face to fit in.

Gold kept up in a slow and subtle rhythm until the water reached the brim of the sink. He then grabbed Killian's hair and lifted his head, kept it up for a few seconds as he looked into his eyes, then pushed him face down in the water.

And slammed hard inside him. Or he might as well be stabbing him back there, Killian wouldn't be able to tell the difference.

With the limited breath he had before being pushed in, his screams left his mouth in bubbles... and then he had no breath left. Instinctively, he gulped water down and swallowed it instead, but it only took three gulps before it went down his windpipe. He coughed weakly, and the next gulp felt more like fire than water.

His vision darkened as he let out a final small bubble, then he was dragged up.

Gold was still inside him, but focused on striking his back instead to help get the water out. It burned as it went out his nostrils and Killian could finally breathe again.

Gold only let him take three breaths before pushing his face down in the water again. Screams of pain left Killian with every violent thrust from behind, and once again he was out of air.

He couldn't even wiggle or flail around like he remembered... the last time Gold had tried to drown him, under Zelena's order. He simply fell as limp as before while water went down into his lungs and Gold slammed inside him.

Somehow Gold could tell, for he dragged him up again and let him get the water out, before allowing him two tired, small breaths and pushing him in again.

Killian quickly lost count, so he had no idea which time it was when, as he coughed out the water from his lungs, he saw drops of blood fall in the small pool. He whimpered weakly when Gold pushed him in nonetheless.

A few times more, and the water was turning noticeably redder from the blood. Gold paused for a moment, reaching down and hugging Killian from behind.

"What a sight," Gold whispered in his ear. "This is what I love with taking you like this, every time is different and new." He turned and bit down softly on Killian's earlobe.

Killian felt so exhausted and breathless he couldn't make a single noise, aside from the wheezing he was already making.

"And here, with our wives in near damn earshot, or anyone that could come in and catch us like this." Gold sighed and pushed him in again.

A small part of Killian felt the slightest hint of disgust thinking how he was now breathing water mixed with his own blood, but there wasn't a lot of room for conscious thought in his mind when it was occupied with the struggle to survive.

And the near-failure to do so.

"Some man of the sea you are," Gold told him when he pulled him out again. "That wasn't even ten seconds."

Killian couldn't even tell anymore if he had meant that as a tease or an insult.

He couldn't bring himself to care either way, as he watched more and more blood drip down to the water.

Eventually, Gold simply let his head rest on the counter when he realized he was too exhausted and out of breath to scream, whether from a conscious or an instinctive effort.

Strange, he thought. Why would Gold stop himself from killing him? It wasn't as if he'd let him live to tell this tale.

Instead, Gold simply tapped Killian's nose, making the bleeding stop.

Finally his breathing seemed to get back to normal when Gold leaned forward, resting his chest on Killian's back.

"I have to admit," Gold whispered, hot against Killian's cheek, out of breath himself, "nothing can compare to that time in Neverland. But still, every time feels like a new experience... in its own charming way." He leaned a bit back and brushed through Killian's hair. "And simply having the memory, to revisit, to relive..." He grabbed hard at his hair, adding, "to jerk off to."

"Wh- wha..."

"I know, you don't understand. But you don't need to. Soon you won't even remember wondering."

He then let him go and pulled away and off him. Killian whimpered and trembled, feeling something wet run down his thighs.

Gold tsked. "I always hate this part."

Then, in a second, all pain went away. In his backside, his chest... only a faint soreness in his nose remained.

Gold moved to his side, and with a move of his hand Killian was dry again.

"The drug will wear off immediately in a few moments. Until then, I need to set my alibi."

He then grabbed Killian and simply set him to sit on the toilet.

"That'll do," he said. With another move of his hand, a dreamcatcher appeared in his hand, and before Killian could attempt to say anything, the dreamcatcher glowed with magical light.

~

Killian groaned as the memory ended and threw the dreamcatcher across the room.

It was never easy to be reminded of that particular memory in Neverland - neither how much Gold used to cherish it - especially while watching another one of those damn dreamcatchers.

He leaned forward where he sat, once again trying to piece the story together as he grabbed a fistful of his hair.

It had been during Neal's first birthday party. Snow and David had done a big celebration, inviting half the town, and he'd excused himself to use the facilities only once.

That had been enough for Rumpelstiltskin, it seemed.

The nosebleed, bloody hell. He hadn't healed him there, he'd merely paused the bleeding... then let it run again while Killian had been talking to David, and a bunch of blood had shot out of his nose, scaring them both along with everyone around them. Emma had healed him immediately, but it had dampened his mood - and maybe even hers - for the rest of the evening.

To no surprise, he felt tears well up in his eyes. It was far from the first, or most meaningful, moment that was now ruined knowing the whole story.

He looked at the discarded dreamcatcher and thought of how Gold seemed bloody turned on by the thought of Belle and Emma being in the house with them, close enough to catch them- him red-handed... yet how mad Gold would get every time Killian would mention Belle. True, some of those times Killian's intentions might not have been purely out of interest for Belle being lied to, but Gold himself felt so free to talk about Emma whenever and however he bloody well wanted.

With a shaky sigh, Killian looked at the remaining dreamcatchers, trembling to think that one of them could include Emma being hurt as well.

[shellheadtm-a]

@involuntaryspy​ | you know what i want i want gushing over tony/bucky

okay, god, fine.  real talk, y’all, this is a ship i didn’t really think about, until i read the 2018 winter soldier run.  and then i couldn’t take the goggles off and now we’re here, i guess.  after having my eyes opened, there’s a lot of stuff - a lot of it - that points to it being a Thing That Could Happen or at least has enough canon basis (in 616 - do not get me started on how fucking badly the mcu bungled tony and bucky and what they are to each other in prime continuity because i’m still mad and i’ll stay mad and there’s literally nothing at all you can do about it) to point to it being a valid possible path to follow.

okay.

like all true possible love stories, this one starts off with one trying to kill the other.  in this case, it was just post-steve’s assassination.  bucky catches the funeral on the news.  and makes up his mind the one thing he can do for steve is kill tony stark.  and he tries to.  this very human, very squishy lump of dumb boy with a metal arm took one look at the guy in the high tech, cutting edge suit he could control with his brain, and said, “i can take him.”  and that ended with bucky sitting in tony’s office, reading the letter steve left tony, and tony offering bucky the shield, being ready to go to get rid of bucky’s triggers, and agreeing to let bucky do things his own way.

he even helped design the suit bucky wore.

but it doesn’t end there.  bucky was cap for a while, you know, it wasn’t just a hot minute.  they were on a team together.  they fought together.  they went to a possible future together, and during that time, in a lot of ways, bucky was one of the few who talked to tony.  and i don’t mean in an official avengers capacity, he’s one of the few that - because let’s not forget, bucky is very good at what he does - is observant to notice things.  tony’s little distress tells,  to ask if tony’s alright.  to show some actual concern and mean it.  during bucky’s trial, tony was just as much a part of his defense process as steve was - he’d gotten rid of the files shield had on bucky (and wiping his brain guaranteed they were gone for good).  he offered support.  he’s the one who modified bucky’s arm so he could keep it, because i can guarantee you he knew how important that would be to bucky.  he’s mentioned as a possible visitor in the gulag bucky’s thrown in.  when tony wiped his brain, left it up to his friends to decide if they were going to bring him back - if they wanted to bring him back, after everything he’d done - bucky’s quick to say yes, like there just isn’t another possibility.  we don’t see a lot of them interacting before that, not really, though there are lots of mentions, but if you flash forward to ws2018, we see a tony and a bucky who are casual, comfortable friends.  who apparently are close enough that bucky feels comfortable with tony knowing where he lives.  who are close enough that bucky will call him in the middle of the night for an evac and tony will drop everything to give it to him.  who are close enough that even when bucky (gently, i’ll add) turns down tony’s unspoken offer of a new/backup arm, tony puts one together anyway - he’s probably had plans for upgrades for bucky for ages to be honest, giving things like that to people is how tony shows he cares - and leaves it with him.

and the fireworks date.  listen, there’s a lot to be said about that one little snippet of dialogue, okay.  a lot.  sharon knows what bucky’s doing it’s written all over her and she is 1000% done with bucky barnes.  tony’s in a zone, you could ask him anything while he’s working like thta because his mouth functions on autopilot and he won’t remember hardly any of the conversation once he comes back to earth.  more importantly:  it’s confirmed by the writer himself that yeah, they went.  they sure did.  that was definitely a thing that happened, but i don’t think tony realized it for what it was, for one.  which means that overall, bucky got the real tony, not the one trying to impress.  real tony is...if you know him, you hold him close.  generous to a fault, a little dorky, wears his heart on his sleeve, gets excited about the stupidest things, is fairly unself conscious about all of it, is just...one of those people that lights up a room, really.  and more importantly things aren’t awkward between them after that.  i’m pretty sure they actually had a pretty great night.

so you know.  they’ve come a long way from bucky shoving a gun in tony’s face and tony holding bucky’s head between his palm repulsors, is what i’m saying.  but is it enough?  is it enough to establish a ship? 

bucky and tony have a lot of similarities, first and foremost.  they’ve both been steve’s foil, they know what that’s like.  they’ve both been the guy who will do the dirty work, get their hands bloody, be the bad cop, so that steve can stay untouched by the worst of things.  they’re two people who have actively worked to keep steve on his pedestal as a beacon of good.  and they now how it weighs on you, and how heavy steve’s disappointment - when they don’t do things the steve rogers way - can feel.  theirs is a small brotherhood, that really...in a way doesn’t include anyone else in the intimate way they know what it feels like.  they know what it’s like to orbit steve and think you’re broken.  to look at steve and look at yourself and find yourself lacking.  to be overwhelmed by steve.  but if this was it, i’d let it go, not really healthy ship material, you know.

in a lot of ways they mirror each other.  they both have a serious side, they’re both very good at what they do.  their spheres of interest overlap a lot, professionally, just in different capacities.  they both have great senses of humor, make the same kinds of jokes - some of which have a self-depreciating edge.  they’re both genuinely, in many ways, soft people, despite what they’ve been through.  cautious, but soft.  hell they even have the same taste in women (looks pointedly at nat).  they’ve also both clawed their way back up from the very bottom and made a comeback where they’re better than ever, if you really wanna look at it that way.  tony fell into a bottle.  tony sold his soul.  and now he’s managed to be better.  do better.  bucky ended up in a goddamn gulag.  bucky’s trying to do better for himself, he’s getting his shit straightened out.  he’s got a home.  a cat.  he’s making active, healthy steps to deal with shit.  and he’s making progress and isn’t ashamed of that.  that’s important, i think, to this whole ship, is that bucky is an example of admitting when you need help and seeking that help in a healthy way.  it’s good, i think, for tony to see that.  it might take a while for tony to get there himself, but he can see it.  he can see what it does for bucky.  and he can start the wheels turning in the back of his own mind for himself.

bucky’s been a support for tony, he knows tony, he’s seen tony at his lowest of lows, and still trusts him to know where he lives.  to work on his arm and know he’s not up to any funny business.  he understands doing what you have to do, even if it’s not the good thing to do, but for the right reasons.  and despite all this heavy shit, things between them are light.  like i still haven’t read invaders (shame on me) but the few pages i have (because i was there for tony) even bucky diverting tony from steve doesn’t have...any heat in it?  he still makes it a joke and i think...overall.  bucky understands that the best way to get tony out of one of those hit first ask questions and feel remorse later moods is to give him another target, something else to focus on.  like...it’s all so subtle, really, but in their overall interactions you can see just how well bucky understands tony.  that you don’t have to be a guy with three ph.ds to figure out how tony’s brain works on an emotional level.

there’s also no competitiveness between them.  tony’s supporting role in ws2018 is a nice change of pace, and while he grumbles and grouses that’s just tony being tony, because he doesn’t mean any of it.  it’s tony being playful, in a way.  he doesn’t mind taking the back seat role and dropping things to help when bucky really needs it, and i bet bucky can count on him every time, all the time, to do it.  bucky’s in tony’s circle of people he’d do anything in the world for, and it’s a thing you gotta do somewhat responsibly, because i mean literally anything.

also important, bucky’s a tinkerer, he does his own arm maintenance mostly, and he’s curious.  he asks questions.  he knows how to engage tony on a level they both get.  hi i just love bucky barnes a whole fucking lot.

but what i’m saying is, especially with regards to this particular ship (i can’t wait for tony to figure out he’s being surprise dragged to the altar it’s gonna be great) is that...they’re different people.  absolutely.  but they know each other.  they have this...unspoken understanding of each other.  and tony’s habit of nesting, and bucky being a soft touch just...pushed it right along as naturally as could be.  there was already a foundation of trust you only get when you know the worst about someone but still see them as being someone you can believe in anyway, and they have that by the bucket.  and like...all it took was a little push and here they are.  they’re gross and disgusting and sappy but tony’s happy and that’s what matters to me.  bucky’s his safe haven, and he’s ready and willing to drop everything and be bucky’s, when it’s needed.  they just kind of...fell into step next to each other and that was that, they haven’t dropped out of formation from that.  we get weekend domestic tony stark now who thinks about the middle of indiana as being home and has a killer commute that i can promise you he makes at even the slightest hint he can and.

i love them.

insert tony ship get thoughts | accepting

[aseekerofthegreatperhaps]

In honor of the first snow

Neil Perry x reader

I don't own Robert Frost, you or dps

It had happened over night. The soundless white snowflakes had covered the grounds of Welton knee - deep with snow without anyone noticing in the darkest hours. When you woke up, you couldn't help but be excited when you saw the snow, although it meant that it would be hella difficult to get to your classes on time. But it reminded you of your home, where you had always greeted the snow like an old friend. You dressed in silent anticipation, bathing in the grey light the weather caused. While tying your hair, you watched the shadows of the flakes dance on the floor. This season always caused a slight melancholy inside your heart, but you were looking forward to Christmas very much. Glancing at your schedule, you saw that Mathematics with Mr Wright was your first class for today. "What a waste of time that I could spend outside", you muttered to yourself quietly while putting on a hat. But it wouldn't help to complain, you would just have to do your homework quick after classes. Sighing, you pulled the door behind you shut and stepped into the hallway.

Once outside, you immediately thought that you had underestimated the cold a bit, considering you were wearing a long sleeve shirt and no scarf. Luckily, the main paths had been freed of snow and you didn't have to fight through the tons of snow. Pulling your coat tighter around you , you started the walk through the walls of snow, occasionally marvelling at the sight.

When you stumbled into the class room ten minutes later, your cheeks were reddened and your hair was completely dishelved due to the hat, but you were just glad you had arrived on time. Flopping down on your seat next to Neil, you couldn't - as usually - believe that you were friends with him and got to sit right next to him. He wasn't the most popular guy or anything, but to you, he was the most beautiful human being. And although being the only girl in an all - boys school surely made you somewhat special, you never understood why he chose to be so close to you. "Y/N?" Someone snapped their fingers in front of your face and you spun around quickly. "Are you alright?", Neil asked, his eyes laughing at you kindly. "Sure", you replied, shuffling on your chair awkwardly. Cringe. "The snow is insane, isn't it?" "Yep. Had some trouble not freezing. But the thought of algebra kept me warm." He laughed. "Alright gentlemen, in case you didn't notice, the bell just rang. If you'd be so kind to concentrate on graphs now?" Ugh. Mr Wright had eventually arrived. You groaned quietly and Neil chuckled knowingly beside you. It still happened that teachers just oversaw you, but of course you were also annoyed by the thought of graphs. Neil really was a blessing there. Throughout the lesson, he continuingly explained things to you, effortlessly solving tasks you knew would cause you trouble in the upcoming exam. You dropped your pen, the thought of the exam not helping your melancholy and stared out of the window for the rest of the lesson.

Neil

She seemed a bit more absent today. I watched as she sighed softly and tucked her hair behind her ear, probably not even noticing judging on her stare outside. I had caught her daydreaming more than once lately and wondered why. Maybe the season made her think about her family, or maybe - she was longing for a certain someone? No, I would have noticed, I told myself. She still didn't seem to notice my amateurish efforts to court her. Charlie was always telling me to "Seize the day" and "Just go for it", but it wasn't as easy. She was just - so perfect, after all and I most certainly didn't meet her standards. I averted my gaze from her and stared into my book again, not understanding the task in the slightest.

Your POV

After a gruesome lesson, you were relieved to be freed to roam the hallways with lunch in your minds. "psst, Y/N" You turned around, Neil brushing your shoulder as he did the same. "Knox?" "Sorry to disturb you two lovebirds, but Charlie demanded we meet due to the honor of the first snow". He winked at us and added :" Half seven at the cave", before leaving. Lo-lovebirds?! Was all you could think about as both of you continued walking, casually chatting. What could he possibly mean? Did someone notice your crush? Or did Neil..? No, impossible, you decided firmly. No wrong hopes. "What about we grab a few apples for later?", he asked you in a hushed voice. You hadn't even realised that you had reached the dining hall. "Y-yeah, good idea", you responded, still a bit confused and flustered.

This evening after dinner, you had the weird feeling that something special would happen. It just was a particularly magic one. With it still snowing, a quiteness had settled over Welton and it had gently smoothed out sharp shadows, making everything seem peaceful and asleep when you eventually left at six. You were supposed to meet your rebellious friends outside and so you quietly snuck down the staircase, two apples in your coat. It was dark outside already, causing you to jump slightly when you saw the silhouettes emerge from the shadows. "There she is", someone exclaimed contently, probably Charlie. "Let's go then, shall we?" You nodded and the little group made its way towards the forest. The paths were slippy and it was still freezing. "Anyone brought some more food?", you asked into the pitch black silence, your breath causing a little cloud in front of you. "I convinced Sam to borrow us some bread rolls". "Borrowed?", you laughed. "Aye, he didn't notice yet, so don't tell him sweetie",someone added. You giggled quietly and suddenly felt Neil's presence beside you. He was smiling, it was radiating off him somehow and filled you with bliss. Unbeknownst to you, Neil had had a strange pep talk with Charlie minutes before your arrival. He planned to finally confess to you, but he still didn't know how. "Just charm her, Neil!", Charlie had cried out. "Compliment her! All girls like to hear how wonderful they are". Compliment her. Neil had thought about this mission for the last thirty minutes, but how could he ever able to sum up what you meant to him in an attempt to flirt? He would have to do it spontaneous. "Watch out Neil the entrance!" He ducked just in time. "Heh, head in the clouds today?", you joked. Neil forced a smile and motioned for you to climb into the cave first.

Inside, you immediately tried to ignite a fire. You sat down on your usual spot and weren't surprised when Neil got down beside you. He always followed you in school too, being your invisible shadow, but today he seemed to always stick with you. It grew darker every minute and it was lightly snowing by now, a few snowflakes tumbling into the cave. "Look at that fine snow", Charlie exclaimed, attempting to successfully light a cigarette. "Let's search for snow poems!" You chuckled. Those boys. "Oh wait wait I got one! ", Meeks shouted, adding to the overall amusement. " Dust of snow! By Robert Frost", he said, standing up. "'The way a crow shook down on me the dust of snow from a hemlock tree, has given my heart a change of mood and saved some parts of a day I had rued." He bowed ironically and you clapped for him. That poem described your winter melancholy perfectly.

A couple of hours later, you all decided to head back to the academy to not get caught. As everyone had climbed outside, you realised you and Neil were the last one left. "Well.. We should probably get going", you said, trying to destroy the wall of awkwardness that slowly built up between you. Neil was behaving weird, you thought. "Y/N, do you uhh do you know you have really pretty hair?" Hair? What was he talking about? "I - I never paid special attention to it, but.. thanks?", you said, confused. Where did he think he was going? "I just um- and you're very smart too!", he added, as if he had just realised it. "Thanks?" You were blushing pretty hard right now. Was he just messing with you? Did he know about your crush? "Gosh, this is really creepy! How did Charlie not know I'd be so bad at this..", he mumbled to himself, not looking at you. "Neil?" His head snapped up. "Did Charlie tell you" - you tried to calm your racing heart. It was now and never. - " that I.. like you?" There. You said it. You had just confessed what you had carried with you the past few months. You avoided eye contact. " You probably didn't mean that", you laughed and tried to blink the tears in your eyes away. You failed. "Y/N". His voice was painfully gentle now. Pity. You couldn't bear it and turned away from him. "Neil, I don't - I'm fine, really, just embarrassed and-" You couldn't finish that sentence, because in the blink of an eye, he had turned you around, his hand at the small of your back and the other supporting your neck, as he leaned down and firmly kissed you.

When you parted, he wiped your tears off lovingly and rested his forehead against yours. "That's exactly what I meant". You grinned and bit your lip. "Catch me if you can", you whispered, running outside into the gleaming white.

Ok pls lemme know in the comments what you think of this sappy - af - one shot :)

[wiccamoody]

Alright, under the cut is my ii review. It's very long and divided into sections because I'm like that.

The audience

I'm starting off with the easy bit. So something I didn't entirely expect (but kind of did at the same time? Usually I'm pleasantly surprised by these kinds of events) was how old I felt. I'm 19. I'm practically a baby. I shouldn't ever feel old unless I'm surrounded by kindergarteners. But besides people's parents and a few people who I could tell were my age or older, everyone was so young. I mean, duh, I'm pretty sure the average age in the phandom is like 16 or something, but it was wild to me, though maybe that's because I've curated the shit out of my fandom experience. And this wasn't a bad thing at all! The only bad thing about feeling 'old' was that people letting out ear splitting screams at literally nothing was giving me a headache and made me roll my eyes at multiple points (ahem, I think screaming when you see the empty stage that we've seen a million times before is a bit much, but maybe that's me being grumpy). Otherwise, it was really, really nice to see such a diverse and lovely group of people come together and just have fun. I wasn't dancing at any of the songs or whatever (but you bet your ass I sang my heart out when WTTBP was playing), however it was really cute to see people in such good moods. It's one of my favourite parts of fandom events. I was glad that this one wasn't like some events I've been to where people are dicks to everyone is they aren't friends with. Everyone just seemed so nice and happy, and I really felt a sense of community there too, which was lovely. Also, even though I've said this several times, it really was so lovely to meet @lesterchuu and @astudyinfondness. They were so lovely and it was great to meet people off the internet. 

Okay, now that we've got the fluff out of the way, let's get to the meat of this review: the show.

Dan

To put it plainly: Dan was acting. I'll get into why Phil was but also "wasn't" acting, but it was very clear that Dan was playing ~Daniel Howell. He had a few character breaks, like when he smacked his leg into the stage twice and almost said fuck both times. He also fiddled with his mic a lot, and I don't know if that's giving his hands something to do while Phil's talking, or if it was actually bothering him, but it was something I noticed.

Speaking of mannerisms, I was surprised to see how, for lack of a better term, 'campy' Dan's body language can be. He also walked very awkwardly across the stage a few times, which made me laugh.

Anyway, Dan was really interesting for me to watch because he was so in character the whole time. His 'Dan' voice is something that kind of bothers me after a while (which is why I like his liveshows the best out of his solo content), and while I didn't get bothered by it during the show, I was extremely hyper aware of its presence, which was the main thing that made me go "Oh Dan's really acting right now". Maybe that should be super obvious since I've listened to audio clips of the show before and know that it's 90% scripted, but I suppose I wasn't expecting it to be so obvious to me when I was watching it. Also, it was incredibly jarring (but also pleasant, in a way) to hear Dan's cackle irl. Along with that, Dan's facial expressions were always 'turned on'. Besides when he fixed his mic, whenever Phil was talking he looked full of energy and rearing to go.  Dan's dedication to his character kind of took me out of the loose narrative of the show because of how obvious I found it to be, but I know that's just me over analyzing things since I generally find Dan's mannerisms so interesting to watch. He did a really great job though.

Phil

I found Phil so much more interesting to watch through the whole show. Phil was definitely acting, but it was different from the way Dan was acting. Dan had the pacing and energy of someone who has to stay in a relatively emotionally stagnant character, while Phil came across very similarly to how he does in his videos. It was definitely played up a bit more because he's still acting in a stage show (side note: they must have decided to get some training before this one because they were a lot less stiff than in tatinof. I've only seen the youtube red version of it, but even then their acting was Not Great in it compared to this time around), but he felt more true to the Phil we see on the gaming channel and in liveshows than Dan did.

I think a lot of Phil's behaviour in this particular show was influenced by how exhausted he seemed to be that day. He looked tired in his instagram story, and on stage he definitely had a more neutral face than Dan did when Dan was talking. There were a few moments where I could see Phil falter and watch his expression shift to his 'Done' face, but it was only for a split second every time (yeah, I barely looked at them when they were talking. I was mostly trying to see what they looked like when the other was talking because for some reason I feel like that's more telling. Maybe I'm weird idk).

I'm not sure if he always sits for the simulation bit, but the fact that Dan didn't made me think that they usually stand so I think the tour was really starting to take a toll on him near the end there. He also popped a few squats and swayed his hips a lot which was amusing to me. Oh, and a bit that I found hilarious was after he got off the wheel and was undressing, he bent over so his ass was facing the audience while Dan was talking and everyone cheered which cut Dan off. Phil was struggling to get the suit over his shoes too so he kind of waddled into one of the wings but the spotlight kept following him. Eventually he just sat down on the stage and pulled it off, but I thought it was a funny moment (even if it's something that happens at every show where Phil's on the wheel).

Something else about Phil that really shone through here, similar to how it is in videos but not to the same extent, is how naturally funny he is. Again, it wasn't to the same extent that it is in videos since he's acting, but some of their little ad libbed moments were so much better because of Phil's quick humour.

Dan & Phil

Something I noticed right away was that their dynamic was far from the flirty and silly one we get on dapg, or even in joint videos/liveshows. I expected this since the show is mostly scripted, so that's fine, but it was still  very obvious to me the entire time. They didn't bounce off of each other in the same way they do in videos of course, but god they work so well together. The show didn't change my perception of them in the slightest, but it did make me see how much of a unit they really are. This was something I was very aware of before obviously, but seeing it irl made it a little more concrete, which was interesting. They really are the perfect package deal together and for each other. Their dynamic made me crave more from them though. The inner workings of their relationship are so interesting to me, and while it's far more likely than not that we'll ever get even the smallest glimpse into that part of their lives, it has me intrigued. But more on that later.

Moving onto the extremely superficial portion of this section, I was surprised to see how...similar they look to how they appear in videos. I was close enough to be able to see their sweat and whatnot, and I found it odd how they actually do look like they do online. I realise how ridiculous that sounds, but it was something that was running through my mind. The way they move their bodies was really quite awkward at times, but honestly I relate and I had a feeling they would be a little awkward in some bits. There was a moment when Dan looked right at the spot where I was sitting for a long time (obviously not directly at me, but in a spot either right in front or behind me--maybe he zoned out) while he was talking about something. I think it was during the real conversation section because he was sitting down, but I really didn't hear anything either of them were saying because my mind was like "wow his eyes are a really nice shade of brown" haha. In short, they're both pretty. Oh, and I could definitely see Dan's nipples the entire time.

The show & what I took away from it

To sum up my feelings in a few words: I really enjoyed myself! I had a lot of fun, but all it really did was make me crave a real conversation with them. This show was not nearly as enjoyable to me as a video or a liveshow, and I didn't expect it to be. I knew that it was going to be formulaic and that there would be a few moments that I would genuinely adore, but otherwise it was just going to be a fun time where I spend way too much money and get to see them 25 feet away. That's not a bad thing, either. I'm okay with that. I went in knowing that nothing revolutionary is going to happen because this show really isn't about me as a fan, or my fabricated one-way friendly connection to them, or what I want from them. I'm simply there to enjoy myself and explicitly support them monetarily, which is expected and fine. And I also never anticipated this show to be mind blowingly spectacular or anything, concept and script-wise. I don't expect that from Dan and Phil ever, and that's really not why I watch them. I'm definitely here because their chemistry is like nothing else and I find their relationship so fascinating. I think overall as someone who wasn't anticipating much and who had spoiled themselves as much as possible, seeing it actually exceeded my expectations. And it's a big plus in my book that it actually was a lot better than tatinof (but that's a whole other post tbh). The only thing that really annoyed me was the way fic is treated, but this happens in every show so I was expecting it, though it didn't stop me from being unimpressed. Oh, and I didn't appreciate being constantly shamed for voting for the craft videos. We all know that's where their content peaked.

I'm a little frustrated by how much it made me actually want to get to know them though, like I said earlier about being intrigued by the inner bits of their dynamic. I've said this for years, but I'd really love to have a long chat with them over coffee or drinks. I think it would be interesting. But that's a pipe dream and a half so this will definitely suffice.

I adore how queer the show was too. The fact that they're comfortable enough now to travel around the world with so many queer references in the scripted parts of their show makes me really happy for them.

Overall, I left the show in a good mood and feeling really fond of them. It was a nice time.

[dnd-vigilante]

Vigilante Game 2: His Name Was Jimmy

After a few days of not much going on, Martin and compatriots all receive notes asking to come to the Green doored building on Bard Street at Midnight. Seeing nothing wrong with this, not thinking it sounded like a trap, we all agreed to meet one another at the Green Door.

It was dark on Bard Street that night. We all arrived, slightly sleepy and confused why this couldn’t take place during the day instead of the middle of the night when we should be sleeping. We examined the building with the green door and discovered it to be empty and very damaged from the battle of Bastion. Martin knocked, rolling a 22 Strength check, shattering the green door into pieces. The room was dreary and mostly empty. After a time of searching our Cleric noticed a small Gnome across the street waving for us to join him. We waddled across the road and he told us to hush and come in. Immediately we asked what was all of this about, ignoring his pleas for us to be quiet.

Once inside he introduced himself as Cornelius Finch, a scribe in service to the city. He told us that he had been transcribing a book in Abyssal for a man named Ben Kelson who had been killed earlier this week. He was afraid for his life and needed to leave town. Handing us the book, which the necromancer took gleefully, he attempted to scurry out the door. We attempted to make the argument that he would probably be safer with us than alone on the dark roads outside of Bastion. He didn’t want to hear any of this, so scared that he was stuttering and shaking in his little boots. That’s when we heard a sudden bang on the wall.

The window shattered and what appeared to be a chaos infused Mud Mephit burst into the room launching its bile at all of us! This was quickly followed by what appeared to be more cultists like the ones we dealt with the week before. The Mephit was successful in trapping a few of us in its bile, luckily I’m quick on my feet and slipped past the disgusting creatures attack with ease. Martin charged one of the cultists and cleaved his head off launching it at the other two. Surprisingly this did not phase the evil doers and they charged our Dwarven Paladin, who gladly yelled at them to repent their evil ways or she would have to do it for them. After some squabbling with the filth of the Mephit, the rest of the party joined the fray. After exchanging some blows, a man entered the room and told us to stand down or be killed. Since we were already up to our knees in blood and Mephit vomit we ignored him and continued to attack.

A sudden rumbling from outside quickly followed by a large bang against the far wall drew our attention. A hulking undead like figure burst the wall down and groaned threateningly at us. Martin rushed forward and cleaved the beast down with my mighty glaive! This, of course, resulted in bile and who knows what else exploding from its gut and covering us. (This had been a very messy and slightly disturbing fight all things considered). The Mephit still fighting and vomiting on the group was grappled by our Monk and thrown towards the man leading this ill begotten attack. Alvin, our necromancer, seizing upon the opportunity used Thunder Wave and blasted the Mephit into the robed figure, ending both of them.

Once the fighting ended Martin turned to Cornelius, who was now scared shittless, and said: “See! I told you, you’d be safer with us!” He bolted out the door as quickly as he could. Alvin took the time to examine the remains of the undead figure while we looted the bodies of the cultists. We uncovered a Cultist Book that referenced people in town called “The Coin Keeper, The Watchdog, and the Vulture.” We decided to call it a night and headed back to our Inn. All of us smelling of something awful.

The next day we began talking to people around town, gathering information about anything odd happening. We discovered that corpses had been going missing from their graves and that an odd death had occurred at the guard house. The guard house was the place to be so it would seem and we headed out. Approaching the GH we met a guard who seemed to be a little out of it. We introduced ourselves and asked about the death, we were met with rudeness and aggression. How odd. Seeing a name tag that named him James, Martin immediately started calling him Jimmy or “My good friend Jimmy” and tried to show him a few card tricks to lighten the mood. Jimmy did not appreciate either of these things, demanding that we call him James and that he hated card tricks and that we should leave before he had to make us leave! Seeing as he hadn’t helped us in the slightest we kept asking questions all the while calling him Jimmy over and over. Finally, he cracked and told us the death happened during the changing of the guards. Tom, another guard, had been late for his shift and Jimmy didn’t want to wait any further! He asked Alex, another guard if he could cover the watch until Tom arrived. So this was our situation, Jimmy wanted to leave his shift but couldn’t because Tom was late, Alex checked on the prisoner twice during the hour that Tom was not there. And Finally Tom arrived and the prisoner was dead. The prisoner had been a cultist and was going to make a deal with the guards for information. That clearly never happened. So.. the question was how did this man die and who killed him?

We went and talked to the Guard Captain since Jimmy was useless and rude (suspicious), The captain wasn’t exactly helpful either he also had a very strict policy of no swearing… ever, but eventually, he agreed to let us question his men in exchange for the information we had on the cultists. We questioned Jimmy first since this death happened when he was supposed to still be on duty since Tom hadn’t shown up on time. Jimmy was less than useful. Martin kept calling him buddy, friend, Jimmy to help calm him and show Martin was his best friend and Martin just wanted to know what he knew, we notice he seemed extra nervous and started sweating. To help encourage Jimmy, Alvin cast Charm Person on him, which convinced Jimmy that we were indeed his best friends… but he still didn’t want us to call him Jimmy. But it only made sense that we continued to call him that since only his friends call him Jimmy. After the questioning, Alvin sent his raven to follow Jimmy... just in case. We then talked to Tom who hadn’t seen anything other than the dead body, Tom appeared to be clean. We were about to start questioning Alex when Alvin yelled out that Jimmy was stabbing the guard Lieutenant! We rushed out of the interrogation room and over to where Jimmy was!

Martin: “Okay, best friend Jimmy. We can talk this out”

Jimmy: “WE ARE NOT FRIENDS! MY NAME IS JAMES!”

Jimmy then lunged at Martin with his dagger, Martin easily knocked it away. Suddenly, Martin became very sleepy and so it appeared did Jimmy. Martin stumbled forward into him and whispered, “See, we are friends. We’re cuddling up for a nice old nap.”

Jimmy was executed after we found proof on his person that he was tied to the cultists. He was the Watchdog that we had found mention of in the cultist's book. We also learned the location of one of the cultist hideouts from him. The guard captain gained this information and we were left out about how it was acquired. We geared up and set out to the hideout, the cultists unaware of Jimmy’s failure, were caught unprepared by our assault and we dealt with them quite easily all things considered. The leader in charge of this group of cultists had been the Vulture, named for a number of corpses he had been stockpiling under the building we raided. The guards set up a perimeter and we were told that they would take it from there.

We called it a night here after successfully thwarting Jimmy and his cultist buddies. Fucking Jimmy. End of Game Two.

Again I’ll explain what this game is part of, The idea behind Vigilante’s games are that several D&D groups are all active in the same world and are all influencing the happenings and goings on of the Town of Bastion and surrounding area. This has been going on for several months now and I have just joined the fun about two weeks ago. While I’m not sure where this will lead I think it is an interesting idea to have Seven+ groups all playing in the same world. This allows groups to exchange items with each other and also allow players to switch parties to pursue different quests. Overall I think it will work out great and I’ll keep posting updates of my weekly games.

TL:DR We fought some cultists and harassed a guard named Jimmy.

[nazih-fares]

Announced at the 2005 edition of E3 as an exclusive for the PlayStation 3, Team Ninja’s Nioh have come a long way before reaching the Bluray players of our shiny PlayStation 3. Originally created by its mother company Tecmo Koei, Nioh was supposed to be a “simple” JRPG, with very classical elements, telling William’s adventures, an Englishmen based on a real historical figure (William Adams), who had come to Japan and learned the local martial arts way to become  the first ever Western Samurai. Sadly,as if it’s tradition with 1Japanese games, things when wrong and the project was transferred to the hands of another studio called Omega Force, known for turning everything into a Muso genre (Warriors, Orochi, Samurai and Dynasty series). After a few years of development, Nioh, unable to satisfy the demands of Tecmo Koei, changed for the ultimate time development team and started from scratch with the makers of Ninja Gaiden (and Dead or Alive): Team Ninja.

It was up for this studio to completely transform Nioh, and heavily influenced by Hidetaka Miyazaki, create a similar style experience, closer to a Japanese universe and lore. Were Tecmo Koei and Sony Interactive Entertainment (for the West mainly) right to put his baby in the expert hands of this Action game studio? Or was the obsession to create another Dark Souls too much to lose its core values? Let’s see in this review.

The first thing you’ll notice by booting the game and discovering its artistic direction, is the feeling of Nioh passing through several studios before landing in the hands of Tomonobu Itagaki (Dead or Alive and Ninja Gaiden’s creator), with remnants of work done by Omega Force especially on all historical aspect of the game. Nioh takes place in feudal Japan invaded by demons, yet doesn’t seem to prevent the local warlords to still wage war against each othters. These generals are the same historical figures that can be found in all the best Muso games in the world, character design included (visually speaking, very close to a Warriors Orochi). So forget the bootylicious bimbos of other Team Ninja productions, but Nioh’s character design are great nevertheless without being raunchy, whether it’s the main hero, but also for the heroines, monsters and bosses.

It’s in this Japanese era that William fights against forces of evil, stalling their march on their world domination, but also to save his loved one held prisoner. If this starting pitch is much more concrete than the riddles of Dark Souls, while being supported by cinematics at the beginning and end of each chapter, Nioh’s narration is as much a conundrum as a From Software game can get. The mission briefing is often a single page to read, with no real indication of your goals, and although easy to follow, the tribulations of William in the different regions of Japan are very conventional, with this duo of demons and civil war. In any case, the overall mood of game is greatly pictured, with a true feel of Japanese folklore, whether in the interpretations of Onis (the traditional name for Japanese evil spirits) or in the settings and surroundings. The soundtrack also demonstrates talent, both in terms of music and sound effects, composed by Yugo Kanno, mostly know for his work on Rain but also a hell lot of Anime composition such as JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure, Psycho-Pass and more. For those of you preferring original voice acting, you’ll be glad to know that Japanese voices are in the game, on top English dubbing, and numerous other languages in terms of subtitles and localized menu.

Now let’s jump in the heart of what matters in a game like Nioh: the gameplay. While Tecmo Koei as a whole had influenced the artistic direction, we will obviously find a lot of features from Dark Souls, but embellished with a whole lot of elements unequivocally belonging to Team Ninja original work. So let’s start by mentioning what Nioh really took as an inspiration from Dark Souls, to answer directly to the questions that most of you From Software fans want to know.

The first basic mechanics that can be found in this Dark Souls-like is the way how experience works, managed via camp fires. If the player dies, it loses all of its hard-earned experience (called amrita), which will remain there at the very place of your death, and finds itself in front of the last altar you visited. Your task then is to recover your precious belonging without dying, otherwise you will disappear forever in a limbo of ragequit and the frustration of having done all this for nothing. Because yes, the other basic principle of Dark Souls is that the game is one hell of challenge for players, and while not impossible, it pushed me at some point of almost rage quitting. Hell the slightest mob can send you to an instant death, the moment they feel a glimpse of confidence, an honest error, or have fallen into a trap, but that’s another story.

The fighting mechanics against various bosses, both in terms of size and design, relate as well to Dark Souls, and here it will often be necessary to go through a series of trials and errors to find the beast’s weaknesses, whether it’s in his evasion speed, the elementary damage or use of a particular item. On this front, the sensations in combat are closer to a Bloodborne than to a Dark Souls: the dodge is much more practical than a parry, as the latter consume more of your stamina (or ki) gauge, which can be bad when an enemy is countering you. The game is nevertheless more accessible than a Dark Souls for amateurs, since it offers a real tutorial where we learn more about the many subtleties of the gameplay.

True to any Team Ninja games, the fighting mechanics feel great (if not better than Dark Souls or even Bloodborne). The most striking aspect being the postures that one can adopt with its weapon, comparable to a “stance” in a fighting game: Medium is your standard mode, high stance to strike harder but become more open to attacks, and low stance to be more focused on defense but will do less damage. Another big subtlety, that reminds me of a bunch of Naruto games is the ability to recharge your ki faster by pressing R1 precisely when you’re done doing a combo, as your body start absorbing blue orbs around the arena. All these numerous and very demanding fights are already more exhilarating with the mechanics, and Nioh even inherited a feature straight out of Ninja Gaiden which are bloody dismemberment. Finally the last added feature is the living weapons, a sort of elemental powered attack where you are immune to damage and weapons deals extra damage, on top of being able to trigger your spirit guardian’s special attack.

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Level design wise, don’t expect the Metroid-ish world of Dark Souls, but arenas divided into different stages, which are more linear, yet still offering many shortcuts to unlock near shrines. It starts from a view of the map of Japan, where you choose your mission, main or secondary one, and teleport straight to the action… A big difference from the massive linked levels of Yarnam. Nevertheless there’s a lot of exploration to do in Nioh, but the overall level design are not as complex as I would’ve liked it to be from JRPG, even if really great to look at. Plus the game is a visual marvel, whether you play it on a regular PS4 or PS4 PRO (with 4K HDR resolution), locked at a constant framerate of 60fps with no slowdown in the time of my reviewing, just rare slow loading of enemy animations from a range.

On the front of gear and loot management, Nioh also stands out very strongly from its influence, as it’s closer to a Diablo than anything else, with insane amount of drops on a constant basis. Gear plays a big part as well as heavy load can harm your attack speed and will require William to spend more Ki to attack or do any sort of action.

When it comes to multiplayer, there’s only a coop mode for the moment, with a PVP planned later on as downloadable add-on. In any case, I briefly managed to play a quick multiplayer session, where you basically join yokai realm missions with other Williams that are harder and more rewarding. The other function is called Random Encounter where you make yourself available to anyone who is calling for help at a shrine. Add to this a really long game lifespan, thanks to its multiple challenge levels and replayability based on missions, you’ll have a lot to do, especially if you’re aiming for a Platinum trophy (crazy you).

Nioh was reviewed using a PlayStation 4 digital code of the game provided by PlayStation Middle East. We don’t discuss review scores with publishers or developers prior to the review being published

  Nioh is the kind of action-JRPG that we like, and even if heavily influenced by Dark Souls, has its own charm and original mechanics. A must have! Announced at the 2005 edition of E3 as an exclusive for the PlayStation 3, Team Ninja's Nioh have come a long way before reaching the Bluray players of our shiny PlayStation 3.