#they sure dont pay me enough for this shit
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TWO MOONS - L.HS
pairing. plug!heeseung x reader
genre. smut, 18+ content, one shot, drabble. MDNI!
word count. 4k+
warnings. drug & alcohol consumption, partying, swearing, sex while intoxicated, short smut [ dry humping, multiple orgasms, oral (f. receiving), fingering ]
synopsis. based off of this hard thought! plug!heeseung who likes you so much that he's convinced himself that you're kinda evil.
a/n. sorry this took so long lol hope u enjoy regardless :) no part 2 so plss dont request it but maybe some drabbles!! also not fully proofread so pls disregard any typos or grammatical errors hehe
Never in his life did Heeseung predict he’d be getting bitched around by a girl arguably much shorter, physically weaker, and far less intimidating than him. And yet here he was, shirtless in his kitchen at two in the morning on his third attempt of baking edibles all because you were too scared to smoke a little weed.
Fucking ridiculous.
It’s his own fault, really, he should’ve known that innocent, good girl persona you put on was all an act you use to control people – specifically men. Stirring the dessert batter in the mixing bowl, Heeseung shakes his head at the memory of you tilting your head and batting your eyelashes at him as you spoke, your perfectly manicured nails – that you probably got some desperate bitchboy to pay for – tracing and lightly scratching his bicep.
“So,” you started, dragging out the ‘o’, “how much do you charge for edibles?”
Heeseung shakes his head, tracing the rim of his half-empty red solo cup as he responds, “Edibles aren’t my forte. You don’t smoke?”
“Not my forte,” you say in a mocking tone, making Heeseung chuckle. “It’s just too much, you know? The smell, how quick it kicks in…not for me. But, uh, if you don’t make them I’ll stop wasting your time, then.” You give Heeseung a friendly pat on the shoulder before turning on your heels, fully prepared to disappear back into the party and find someone who actually meets your needs.
“Wait!” Heeseung stops you, tugging on your arm until you’re back to facing him. He can’t fucking believe this bullshit manipulation tactic you’re using on him is actually working, he’s literally pulling on your arm like a child so you won’t leave him.
You raise a brow at him as you wait for Heeseung to continue, taking note of his sudden nervousness, “Yeah?”
“Uh…are you into, like, brownies? Or…”
The smirk you gave in response said enough, you’ve got him exactly where you want him.
He’d spent the next few hours browsing the aisles of Target, checking his phone every so often and checking off each ingredient as he tossed them into the bright red shopping cart. To make matters worse, you hadn’t even requested normal brownies, you wanted some shit he’d hardly ever heard of before: blondies.
It was bad enough that Heeseung already couldn’t bake for shit, and here you were demanding he’d make something he’d never even tasted before; you really are a master manipulator.
His third and final attempt at baking the blondies were a success, his three roommates taste-testing the fresh batch as a final confirmation.
“I can’t even taste it,” Jake says, his brows shooting up in delight, “you sure you’re not forgetting the main ingredient?”
“That’s the whole point,” Heeseung explains, cutting the remaining batch into neat squares, “YN doesn’t want the taste to be too strong, she likes when it’s more subtle and takes awhile to kick in.”
“Are you her wife or her plug?” Sunghoon jokes from his spot on the couch, taking a small bite of his own blondie.
“Neither,” Jay inserts himself into the conversation, taking a seat next to Sunghoon, “I’m sure he wants to be both, though.”
“Fuck off,” Heeseung snaps, momentarily narrowing his eyes at his roommates. “We just met, I’m just trying to get to know her.” He sets the knife down, reaching into the wooden cabinet to retrieve ziplock bags.
“You’re already her bitch, what else is there to know?” Sunghoon half-jokes, resting his feet on the ottoman.
“I am not her bitch.”
He totally is, if the way he’s hurrying to send you a picture of the freshly made blondies is anything to go by.
Heeseung * 2:47 AM
[Attachment: 1 Image] Yooo
YN * 9:06 AM
omggggg ur the fucking best how much??
You didn’t respond until the following morning, causing Heeseung to nearly jump out of his skin once he woke up to your texts. He turns on his side, elbow propped up against the mattress as he formulates a response.
Heeseung * 10:31 AM
1 for 10 or 2 for 15. venmo or cashapp But lmk if you want more
YN * 10:40 AM
no cash? :(
Heeseung’s about to go on a long winded explanation about how money transferring apps are quicker and more convenient than accepting cash when you interrupt him by sending a photo.
YN * 10:41 AM
[Attachment: 1 Image] plsssss i don’t trust cashapp and ive been having issues w my venmo acc :(
It’s a photo of the bottom half of your face, lips formed into a cute pout with your camera angled low enough to show off your cleavage. You weren’t even trying to be discreet, setting your forearm underneath your chest to make your boobs sit higher, the cheetah print material of your bra peeking out from under your too-small tank top.
Heeseung swallows hard, staring down at the photo with his pupils blown wide as his trembling fingers type out a response.
Heeseung * 10:50 AM
Actually you know what don’t even worry about it lmao Consider it a gift When r u free for pickup Or i can bring to u Either or is fine lol
YN * 10:59 AM
omg :o are u sure? don’t want u to lose out on money >.<
Heeseung * 11:11 AM
It’s fine dw about me baby U picking up? Or want me to drop off On campus is too risky
YN * 11:12 AM
thank u hee!!!!!!! im done with classes around 4:30 i’ll pick up around then if that works also u responded at 11:11…angel number u must be my angel :o
There you go again with your subtle manipulation tactics that Heeseung swears won’t work on him. If there really is angel out of the two of you, it definitely wouldn’t be you, but Heeseung’s not too sure he’d be considered one either. After all, in the twelve minutes it took him to respond to your message, he spent ten of them fucking into his fist as he stared at the photo you sent.
His mind conjured up countless scenarios; leaving hickeys and bite marks across your chest, slipping his dick between your tits as you held them together for him, cumming all over them, fucking anything. Desperate wasn’t even the word.
Heeseung * 11:13 AM
Must be :)
After a month and a half of being your personal baker slash bitchboy, Heeseung really is convinced that you’re using him, yet he doesn’t seem to mind. If anything he’s grateful, fully aware that if it weren’t for him being your plug, the two of you likely never would’ve crossed paths despite attending the same universities.
There wasn’t an ounce of school spirit in his body, so he had little to no urgency to attend any of the sporting events you cheered at or one of the many school-sponsored events you were required to attend. Meeting you at that party not too long ago had been his first encounter with you ever, and you clearly left him with a great first impression on him.
Since that night, he’s found himself conjuring up a new batch of edibles for you every week; brownies, cupcakes, cereal bars, whatever the fuck you wanted, and half the time he’d do it for free if it meant he got to give it to you in person.
He still hasn’t convinced you to actually smoke, though, but maybe it’s for the best. The mere thought of getting high with you and how you’d stare him down with half-lidded eyes was enough to make his dick hard — in fact, it already has. Several times.
Enough time has passed to the point where it’s obvious to everyone, yourself included, that Heeseung has genuine feelings for you that go beyond a physical and sexual attraction. Sure, he’s still convinced that you’re a little bit evil and definitely manipulative, but he considers it part of the fun. He’s also deluded himself into having the “I can fix her” mindset that he’s been using to justify his actions of ignoring your red flags.
However, even if he can’t “fix” you, it wouldn’t be a huge loss. Red is his favorite color, after all.
“You sound…crazy, and she sounds crazier,” Jake leans against the kitchen counter, raising a concerned brow at Heeseung as he takes a sip of his drink.
“I’m not crazy,” Heeseung corrects, “and YN is…I don’t know, honestly. Leave her alone, dipshit.”
Jake throws a hand up in defense, glaring when a fellow partygoer accidentally bumps into him, nearly causing him to spill his drink. “Rather be a dipshit than a bitchboy.” He mutters loud enough for Heeseung to hear before groaning, “Wow, speak of the devil.”
Heeseung turns, following Jake’s line of sight until he spots you walking through the front door. Stunning as always, your khaki mini skirt and black halter top fitting as if they were custom designed for you and only you.
Despite extending you an invitation to Sunghoon’s birthday party, Heeseung was fairly certain you wouldn’t show up tonight, assuming you’d be consumed with cheer practice or one of your many extracurricular activities to attend. Yet, here you were, a wicked grin on your face as you made eye contact with Heeseung.
He gulps in return, eyes wide as he watches you walk over to him and Jake.
You stand beside Heeseung, shooting him a quick smile before directing your attention to Jake, “Sunghoon! Happy birthday, king!”
Jake side-eyes you, briefly glancing at Heeseung before responding, “I’m not…you know what? Nevermind, thanks.” He takes this as an opportunity to exit the conversation, giving Heeseung a light pat on the shoulder as he leaves.
“Didn’t think you’d be here.” Heeseung comments, leaning against the kitchen countertop.
You shrug, “Wasn’t doing anything else, figured it wouldn’t hurt to stop by for a little. Besides, I wanted to see you.”
“Yeah?” Heeseung asks, tongue darting out to lick his lips.
“Yeah,” you respond, taking a step closer and resting your hand on his bicep, “got anything for me?”
Fuck, Heeseung knew he should’ve made another batch of brownies or some shit. He seriously hadn’t been expecting you to show up tonight, otherwise he would’ve been prepared.
He shakes his head, “Not this time, you should’ve told me you were coming; I would’ve made something.”
You groan, momentarily tilting your head back, “I just wanted to surprise you.”
“Consider me surprised,” his hand lands on your waist, pulling your body until your flush against him, “why won’t you just smoke with me?”
You grimace, shaking your head in response.
Heeseung rolls his eyes, “Just once? I know your first time wasn’t that great, but, I really think you’d like it if you tried again.”
“I don’t know, Hee…”
“Tell you what,” Heeseung starts, clearing his throat, “smoke with me just this once, and your next few purchases are on me.”
It isn’t much of an offer considering most of the shit he gave you was either free or already extremely discounted, but your eyes light up regardless. “Really?”
Heeseung nods, “I swear.”
You think it over for a moment, the pros instantly outweigh the cons and lead you to accept Heeseung’s desperate offer.
A few minutes later, you find yourself in a comfortable lounge chair with Heeseung in his backyard, grateful that the remaining partygoers opted to stay indoors, giving you privacy and alone time with him.
You’re sitting sideways on his lap, trying your best to ignore the feeling of his dick pressing right against your ass, neatly rolled blunt in one hand as he uses the other to fish a lighter from his pocket. “You’re nervous,” he comments.
You shake your head, “I’m not.”
“You are, I feel you shaking.”
“I’m fine, just kinda cold. Go on.”
Heeseung studies you for a moment, eye contact strong and intimidating as ever as he brings the blunt to his parted lips. You watch carefully as he brings the lighter towards the tip, focusing entirely too much on the concentrated look on his face as he lights it. Slowly, he begins to rotate it as the end continues to burn, taking a few small puffs here and there.
Satisfied with his creation, Heeseung takes a long, slow drag, inhaling the smoke into his lungs before titling his head away to exhale.
“Your turn,” he says, offering you the blunt.
You hesitantly stare down at it before accepting; it was intimidating to say the least, the scent alone strong enough to make your head hurt. Heeseung watches you patiently, eyes darting between your lips and the blunt in silence.
Deciding you need a little bit of encouragement, he brings his thumb to your lips, parting them slightly as his free-hand wraps around your wrist, “You’ll be fine, trust me.”
Under the guidance of his calloused hand, you finally bring the blunt up to your lips and briefly inhale before immediately exhaling.
Heeseung chuckles, shaking his head, “How’d that feel?”
You ponder for a moment, passing the blunt back to Heeseung, “I don’t feel anything. Literally nothing.”
“I mean, yeah, you didn’t even inhale it.”
You roll your eyes, “Why are there so many steps? This is why I prefer edibles.”
“I’m just showing you that you have other options, babe.”
“Yeah, well I’m sticking to my baked goods. You can have the rest of that, I don’t want anymore.”
Heeseung’s well aware that you’re a woman of your word, and the chances of you ever smoking again were a definite zero, so trying to get you to change your mind was pointless. However, there is one thing that may just work on you.
“Mind if I try something?”
You perk up, “Try what?”
“I do all the work but you still get high.”
You raise a brow, “That’s possible?”
He nods, “All you’d have to do is take deep breaths.”
Taking a deep breath, you accept Heeseung’s offer with a sigh, resting a hand on his shoulder as you adjust yourself on his lap. “Fine.”
Here goes nothing.
He guides the blunt back to his lips, taking a long drag as he holds the smoke in his mouth. He tilts his head upward towards you, taking your chin in his hand, signaling for you to part your lips. You follow his command and part your lips open, just enough for Heeseung to close the distance and allow the smoke into your mouth, his lips barely brushing against yours in the process.
You take in a deep breath, eyes closed shut and inhale the smoke, careful not to exhale too quickly and have a repeat of your previous attempt.
“How was that?” Heeseung asks, taking note of your sudden silence.
Truthfully, it wasn’t bad. The smell is still too strong for your liking and requires much more effort than biting off a piece of dessert and calling it a day, but it wasn’t bad. You’re certain that Heeseung shotgunning it into your mouth only added to the experience.
“Not bad,” you admit, “probably because you did all the work.”
He chuckles at that, “I’ll always take care of you, remember that.”
Heeseung is having the time of his life, thoroughly convinced that he finally has some power over you. Here you were sitting on his lap in his backyard letting him blow smoke into your mouth. Sure, it may have taken a lot of convincing and begging on his end to get to this point, but none of that matters; baby steps are still movement.
As if the night couldn’t have gotten any better, you’re asking Heeseung to shotgun more smoke into your mouth over and over. He’s careful to maintain a calm and nonchalant demeanor as he does so, not wanting to come off as too eager out of fear of scaring you away. Or even worse, giving you back that power you have over him.
On the fifth time, you swipe your tongue across Heeseung’s bottom lip when he passes the smoke into your mouth, a low groan escaping from him in the process. He’s fully hard in his jeans by now, and there’s no way you can’t feel his dick pressing right into you. Despite the cold weather, your entire body feels warm all over, Heeseung only adding to the pleasure.
You should’ve taken Heeseung a bit more seriously when he said you’d still get high from this; after a few minutes, your limbs were already starting to feel lighter and weaker. A delicate, cloud-like haze fills your head; your vision blurs slightly and it takes a few minutes for you to fully relax.
Heeseung, attentive as ever, remains silent and still has he watches you; primarily due to the fact that you squirming around on his lap is only adding to the uncomfortable tightness in his jeans. One wrong move, and he’d surely be cumming in his boxers.
You rest your forehead against Heeseung, pressing a firm hand against his chest when he moves to blow more smoke into your mouth. He hums, staring up at with a concerned look on his face.
You close your eyes, mumbling, “Heeseung…”
He hums again in response, still holding the smoke in his mouth.
You open your eyes briefly before closing them again, balling up the collar of his shirt in your fist as you lean down to press your lips against his. He opens his mouth on instinct, as if it were a second nature, parting his lips slightly and exhaling the smoke into your mouth once again.
Heeseung absentmindedly sets the blunt down, his hands moving to your waist to pull you closer to him until your tits are pressed right up against his chest. He groans into your mouth at the feelings, tilting his head to allow himself further into your mouth.
You cup his face in your hands, hips moving forward as you slowly begin to grind yourself against him. “Fuck,” he moans in a low voice, “keep doing that.”
You grind down harsher this time, capturing his moan in your mouth in the process. With each movement of your hips, a shiver descends down your spine at the friction; Heeseung is painfully hard, and from what you could feel, he was definitely packing. Bigger than what you would’ve expected.
It all feels too good; you grinding against him, the state of his high, your tongue in his mouth. It’s all so overwhelmingly euphoric that Heeseung hardly realizes how close he is to literally cumming in his boxers.
His body was always overly sensitive whenever he got high, and often avoided any sort of intimacy that involved another person due to how embarrassingly quick he would finish, and tonight doesn't seem to be any different. What makes matters worse is the fact that Heeseung was already desperately attracted to you and had been dreaming of this moment since he’d first met you.
He pulls away quickly, cursing under his breath, “YN, h-hold on,” he stutters, “slow down, please.”
You don’t listen; in fact, you can barely even hear him with how caught up you were in your own head. “Hmm? Say that again?”
“S-slow – ah, fuck – slow down for a sec, baby.”
His grip on your waist tightens, and despite the urgency in his tone of wanting you to slow down, he makes no effort to still your hips move you off of him. Fuck it, it is what it is.
“Why?” You question, tilting your head, but you’re a few seconds too late.
Heeseung’s entire body shivers, hips jolting upwards as he comes on himself, making a mess of his boxers. While that alone was definitely embarrassing, Heeseung is more annoyed over the fact that you’ve regained your power over him. His priorities were definitely fucked, but he didn’t even care; he could clean himself up later, but the damage to his ego would take longer to repair.
Your hands fly to your mouth in shock, eyes widening as you process what’s just happened, “Oh, Heeseung…” you mumble into the palm of your hands.
He throws his head back, eyes squeezed shut as he runs a hand down his face, “You’ve gotta be fuckin’ kidding.”
“It’s okay! It happens! No big deal!” You try to reassure him, but it goes in one ear and out the other.
Sure it happens and maybe it isn’t a big deal, but it is for Heeseung. He’s not the type to bust a nut over someone squirming around in his lap for ten minutes, this shit was fucking insanity.
“I’m seriously not like this, I’m just overly-sensitive when I’m high. I swear, I-”
“It’s fine, Heeseung,” you interrupt, standing from his lap, “if anything, I’m flattered! Why don’t you, uh, get cleaned up and I’ll see you later?”
“YN, come on, don’t do this.” He pleads, following you and you make your way towards the sliding door.
“I told you, it’s fine! I’m not like,” you pause, opening the door with a loud grunt, “mad or weirded out or anything.”
You slip back into the living room, Heeseung hot on your tail with every step. “Let me make it up to you!”
You sigh, “Honestly, I don’t think you have it in you to do that right now.”
“I do! Just let me, please.”
“Heeseung, please drop it. I said it’s fine.”
“It’s not fine, at least let me eat you out or something!”
“Heeseung!” Your eyes widen at his lewd, shameless offer, “Lower your voice! We’re in a fucking party surrounded by people!”
He smacks his teeth, “I don’t care. Please, YN.”
“You don’t have to make it up to me, you do not owe me anything.”
A beat of silence passes, then he says, “Then do it for me. Please.”
Even though Heeseung was the one literally begging to go down for you, there is a possibility of him having some sort of power over you; or maybe you just have a soft spot for him. Either way, you end up lying in his bed twenty minutes later, skirt bunched up around your waist as Heeseung’s wet tongue circles your clit, desperate attempt at coaxing a second orgasm from you.
He hadn’t even realized he’d grown hard again just from eating you out, and would likely end up cuuming in his boxers again just from doing this.
“Fuck,” he moans into your folds, pulling away slightly to pepper kisses on your inner thighs, “been waiting so fucking long for this.”
“Yeah?” You question, your grip on Heeseung’s hair tightening.
This earns a low groan from him as he nods against your skin, “You have no idea.”
Deciding he’s spent enough time away from your cunt, his lips make their way back onto you; his tongue falls flat against you, dragging your wetness upwards towards your swollen clit before wrapping his lips around the sensitive bud.
Your body shivers, a beam of sweat dripping down your forehead as your second orgasm approaches. You’ve been eaten out before, countless times, but never like this. It was almost as if Heeseung was doing it for his own pleasure rather than your.
He teases your entrance with his finger before sliding two of them in with ease, curling them upwards and immediately hitting the spot you needed him the most.
“H-Heeseung…hold on…”
He hums, but he’s not really listening, too occupied with kitten-licking your clit and pumping his fingers in and out of you. The knot in your stomach finally snaps and you’re gushing against his hands and mouth, Heeseung only takes this as a sign to continue lapping at your cunt. You have to literally grab him by the hair and drag him away from you.
He stares up at you, pupils blown wide and his chin coated in your juices, but he definitely looks happy. “What?” he asks.
You struggle to catch your breath, “You’re hard again?”
He looks down at his crotch momentarily before shrugging, “I guess.”
“You…don’t you wanna do something about that?”
His eyes flash down to your cunt for a split second, “It can wait.”
You scoff, “Well, I need a minute.”
Heeseung nods in agreement, impatiently drumming his fingers on his bed as you flop against his mattress. “Ready?” He asks once a minute has passed.
“No.”
He sighs, then sighs again, and again and again until you let out a frustrated groan. “Go get me a glass of fucking water.”
“Okay!” He shouts while standing, exiting the bedroom in a hurry. Maybe you really do treat him like a bitchboy, but he doesn’t seem to mind.
#enhypen imagine#enhypen smut#enhypen scenarios#lee heeseung#lee heeseung imagine#lee heeseung smut#heeseung x reader#kpop imagine#kpop smut#kpop scencario#jake sim#park sunghoon#park jongseong
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absolutely love the Store Emergency Guide for Union Activity from 1995 that my job enforces
#work#retail#union jobs#god i wish i had a union job#love my work honestly#they sure dont pay me enough for this shit#“union dues”#bitch Netflix cost more come on
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ok let's catch up quickly
#so i went on a few dates w this guy. long hair beautiful face kinda looked like a girl (good) said yes ma'am when i told him to do smth#(also good) film student great at photography including candids. made a sheath of leather for a sword pin i have . et cetera.#he asked to cuddle and i was like iggg and then i felt Nothing and i was like ohhh yh ok ok yep lesbian#like he meets almost all my criteria but. yeahhh no . also at the end of that date he had some weird takes. anyway broke up w him and told#him actually im p sure im a lesbian (again) and he was like yk thats the second time this has happened to me this week but its ok bc ive#fallen for this girl from berlin. and then we cooked together. anyway . met a beautiful butch lowk in love w her. weve been on (1) date.#have two exams in a few days havent studied enough going to like end it all basically. my research partner kicked me off our research#(expected(it was always skinda sketchy)) which was devastating + it happened in a lidl 15 hours into a journey from bordeaux#to go back to the UK. my friends were kinda busy paying for baguettes but also they heard this whole exchange and are kinda mad at him#my friend of 10+ years is coming over in a few days. my evil ex situationship person that i decided to stay friends w because i kept#insisting they are a good friend and not evil and also extremely beautiful? turns out shockingly enough they were evil. tried to fix them#and then i realised due to their entire friendship group being ppl like me (Every Single One of their friends are ppl they met on dating#apps then led on then dumped and proposed staying friends w) and are collectively extremely attracted to them and not over them they#keep validating the most diabolical shit they say/do to hace a chance w them. they broke up w their ex and the way they keep leading#this poor girl on and making her heartbeeak worse and saying that they want more power over her and want her to beg for them back etc...MY#JAW HAD DROPPED esp bc i didnt even know the ex was in the picture BECAUSE ME AND ONE OF OUR FRIENDS (that they also dated) HAD JUSR SLEPT#NAKED TOGETHER IN THEIR BED W THEM. GIRL. anyway that is the least of the diabolical stuff they said but no we are moving onnn#this was b4 the beautiful butch btw. anyways . i have a mitski concert tmrw i think?? idek anymore#i used to have a crush on this guy very briefly and then it disappeared and then i realised if he fundementally changed everything abt#himself then maybe id like him but ofc i didnt tell him that but i still think abt it sometimes but anyway thats irrelevant now bc 99% sure#even if he did id still not find him attractive (lesbianism). please recommend good overnight moisturisers btw i have super dry skin#right. the friend of 10 yrs. we had a hard convo abt why she essentially bullied me in year 8 and it made me highly bitter but i also love#her and ik things are diff now its been like . Many Years . and shes going to stay a while I HAVE TWO EXAMS I DONT HAVE TIME but i love her#its fine. i think i might just switch into medicine and do the whole become a neurosurgeon thing (which was my plan B) bc plan A is looking#kinda impossible rn. I WANNA TALK MORE ABT WHAT THE EX SITUATIONSHIP PERSON SAID but i wont bc i dont wanna be too mean but also . MY GOD#i had a conversation w a philosopher friend about whether i have a moral responsibility to try to fix them bc unleashing this on society#feels wrong and he said 'probably but...run' so yeah im not talking to them atm. second date w beautiful butch on monday btw IDK WHAT TO#WEAR. she said she likes fems. im just gonna wear the shortest ralph lauren skirt i have w the cute leg warmers and hope 4 the best#its 1:15 AM im abt to drink coffee and start studying bc what the FUCK man. also almost finished watching the boys its very good#one of my best friends is struggling rn it is breaking my heart i want to take the burden from her i miss her very much
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#i cannot Believe i am having to buy locking boxes to keep my food and belongings in at home#bc my mother (who is also my 'caretaker') (heavy use of air quotations) refuses to stop stealing and/or throwing out all my shit !!!#my food and my clothes and my literal everything#cannot respect boundaries cannot respect me honestly at this point dont think she understand what respect even is#and sure as fuck isnt capable of giving it#so like. fuck my entire existence i guess :-)))))#stole all my food last night yet again#now dont have anything i can have bc im too low on spoons to cook anything#and she ate all my ready-made and microwave options so :-)))) guess i get to starve#bc i cant afford to buy anything#gr8. cool#fuck my entire life truly i cant w this woman anymore#she truly has a mindset of 'everything in this apartment including u as a person belongs to me bc i pay the majority of the rent'#ok go fuck urself actually#u massive fucking bitch#jfc#guess im not a human person bc im disabled and my disability $ isn't enough to live off independently#i'm just like. a fucked up pet u can neglect and abuse however and whenever u want#that's fun.#how about i kill myself#not even exaggerating#shjsshdjdk#jfc i'm DONE#ask to tag#ableism#abuse#idk lmk if i need to tag other stuff#negative#suicide mention
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#i saw the tv glow made me realize i want to start binding#kind of. it made me look inwards and realize i have so much dysphoria and i want to do something about it#i havent thought about any kind of physical transition in quite awhile#bcuz it can be difficult or take money and i thought i didnt have enough dysphoria to warrant it#but now im kind of realizing i have a shit ton of dysphoria and i want to do something about it#i want to take actions to make my body a home that i can feel safe and comfortable in#fuck that movie for making me do inner reflection and realizing that i dont feel right and want to take steps to change that#not sure what the long term goals are tbh. or if there will be any. but binding feels like a good start#dont watch i saw the tv glow unless you want to reevaluate yourself in uncomfortable ways#(thats a glowing recommendation btw)#this post is kind of nonsensical i think. i dont make sense generally but especially now#idk dont pay attention to me im just fairly excited at the prospect of binding thats the main point#just need to measure my chest tonight and order the binder!
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How to find a job that doesn't make me despair to live
#I LOVE the library but i've been part time for two years and i am not making enough to support myself lmao#i am very fortunate to have a lot of savings but i live alone in an apartment i signed for when i had two jobs and now that my income is#cut in half things are rough#and i have interviewed a dozen times or more for a promotion to full time and they aren't budging#and then yesterday one of the managers was micromanaging me and my shitty coworker was mocking my menial tasks lol#bc he is info staff and i am just lowly circulation so i have to keep my head down and shelve the books i guess?? even tho he doesn't do#jack shit and gets paid double what i do and is full time#like i got scolded and told to stop preparing for my presentation that is tonight bc i should have been making sure the books were in the#right order on the shelves lmao#meanwhile this guy has been booking vacation flights all morning#and even if i get full time and even though i work at a comparatively VERY well paying library#im still not going to make much#i have a degree in journalism and communications that im not using bc that shit made me feel dead inside#and i wanted to do something that mattered#but the things that mattered are not paying my bills or buying me a new winter coat or allowing me to do things like get a haircut or buy#clothes that i like or go out with friends or start new hobbies#and im just like is it worth it??? is this worth it???#like im not desolate or anything but i deny myself things every day bc im fine now#but i dont know how much longer i have to make the money stretch#and im tired#i just wanted to do something real that helped people#every day i get to work around books and talk about books and help people access social services#i helped a kid with homework and an elderly lady access job resources and showed a kid his favorite book series that he got so excited#about that he yelled all in the same day and it was fantastic#it mattered#but#is it worth it???#this was the dream i worked so hard for and now im looking at all that hope and effort like. this didn't save you either#idk yall its rough out here#me
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yall my ex is so lucky we're not together now that I'm off my meds for like. not even the reason that makes sense.
#oooooh i have no appetite now that I'm not on multiple meds with weight gain as a side effect#surely that aspect of my being is evil of me#pretty sure my unmedicated bipolar disorder would just be like fun for him bc im not always depressed anymore#not to be like crazy or whatever but the fact that while i was taking meds and working on my relationship w food they were like. bitter?#like demonized me both having problems with food and seeking help for them#&viewed my being on medication as exceptionally privileged which like. i wish i was on them again i get it but also getting that 'privilege'#required 1) my own fucking money i got from having a job something they didnt get until we broke up and i was like#im not paying off our apartment alone so either you or your parents owe me money every month#and 2) getting hospitalized after an attempt#because i had the privilege of being on twice the max dose of an antidepressant that didnt help me#like. ugh yes it was a privilege and one that i miss having but it also sucked getting there it wasnt like#idk the way they framed it was always like i was offered the fucking luck of the draw on it or whatever#like sorry? remember when i was on so much lexapro i went into a dissociative fugue and started dating you lol fuck off#because i actually genuinely dont remember like 6 or 7 months because of that shit!#i actually ended up hospitalized from it and all i remember hearing about it was that you were sad bc you felt you werent enough to stop it#like it had fucking anything to do with you#like wish them all the best but damn. actually they sucked very very badly. i hope they figure it out one day but probably not#ik theyre on antidepressants now so yknow. im sure theyll forget being medicated means theyre privileged now#becomes normal once its them or some shit
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PSA that animals can be infected with SARS-CoV-2 as well so if you even suspect you could possibly have covid-19, please take precautions around your pets to avoid infecting them as well. While most reported cases appear to be mild and evidence is sorely lacking in how this virus affects non-human animals, there's still a risk of harm, particularly for more senior animals. Cats are also more likely to be infected and develop complications than dogs. And this is just what we know about acute infection as there's little to no research on possible long term effects of covid on animals.
Ways to avoid infecting your pet include: distancing and/or isolating yourself from them (which i know is hard, especially if you're sick and miserable), washing your hands and wearing a mask when preparing and giving them food and water and not re-initiating usual contact until you've tested negative on a RAT/LFT etc at least twice consecutively to make sure you're no longer contagious.
Stay safe and may your pets live long and happy lives <3
#covid 19#im so worried about my cats since im not with them most of the time#and my brother is so blasé about catching covid (which he has. Twice)#and while he usually doesnt even interact with the cats he recently had to while mum was away#and also if she gets covid she's checking herself straight into hospital bc of her conditions so he'll have to look after them then#and he'll likely be infected to#and he sure as fuck wont listen to me about taking precautions#and when i asked mum to maybe even float the idea past him#she laughed at me#and said 'they'll be fine' and 'if they get it then it's their time' (bc she wont pay the money to treat them at the vets#and i just feel so angry and sick and worried about them bc im the only one who gives a shit about their health#all i ask is that they both take basic precautions to avoid infecting the cats#and they laugh at me#ik theyre senior cats and they dont live forever#but even just the idea of them dying makes me cry#and the thought of them dying bc of how callous and stupid my family are is just enraging#anYWAY#enough of a tag rant
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truly been at my limit for a long time now and i dont know what to do anymore
#gab gabs#my jobs keep me too busy and tired to look for work but they dont pay me enough to live. like at all. I'm in debt and i cant get out#i cant move back in with my parents bc i think my step dad would make me more miserable tjan i am now..plus i cant afford the move anyway#im so fucking stupid for thinking i could do ok living here and working with dogs#i dont even feel like i can work full time rn because of my dog and i cant offload him onto my roommates or afford care for him#I'm just truly not sure what to do anymore and i know I'm not going to be able to afford my bills again this month lorl#sorry for venting on main i have pushed a lot of people away and i dont think they want ti help me anymore or hear from me becaue its the#same thing over and over again from me and they're probably tirwd of it bc i refuse to help myself#trying my best to do the graphkc design shit but if i cant afford to pay bills in the meantime what am i supposed yo do
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it's taken me so long to find another job despite having a degree and some decent experience under my belt (and applying to things i Know are at/below my pay range/experience level to up chances of finding anything), looking at the estimated amounts of upcoming taxes and what i'll be making (it's a temporary gig) and assuming i am unlucky in the amount i'll owe the irs which i always am: i will make maybe a whole $1000 more than what i'll need for taxes
and then its right back to the application hellzone again :'D
#shoot me#and i owe friends for covering me on the in between also#cos it takes so fucking godam long#and i didnt start really actively looking as soon as i wouldve because there was a bunch of moving shenanigans and uncertainty happening#and remote work is hard to find and even harder to find something that lasts longer than a few months#if i didnt have friends helping me rn id be on the street lmao#or in a ditch whichever#that ones preferable#i wouldve looked into figuring out how to pay taxes out of the paychecks of my last contract role#but at the time i had a stable living situation and didnt want to have to put any more effort into it cos i was already losing my mind#i also thought it would be a longer lasting thing but i had to get the fuck out of there omL#the DRAMA at that company i swear#insanity#anyway existence is suffering wow if only we as the people who initiated and upkept everything the way it is could do something about that#damn oh well#just me#work#jobs#applications#hhhhhh#i HATE how short term this is gona be im going to have JUST started to get used to everything and its gona be up#and back into application purgatory#“go to college” they said#“its the only way to make sure you dont have to work in a boring cubicle punching numbers all day” they said#I WANT THAT#GIVE ME THE BORING CUBICLE DATA ENTRY JOB#I CANNOT FUCKING FIND IT#THEYRE ALL SCAAMS#I GOT THE STUPID PIECE OF PAPER IT AINT DONE JACK SHIT BUT PUT ME 40K IN DEBT#AND HAVE ME BE SO POOR I DONT EVEN MAKE ENOUGH FOR THEM TO REQUIRE ME TO MAKE PAYMENTS ON IT
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venting sorry... don't want to just delete it bc it helps to get it out just ignore this post pls 👍
haven't slept much at all and feeling so sick andstressed and in pain bc my period is due and so tired its making me dizzy but i cant sleep more or ill just feel more sick and I want a hug and to cry so hard into someones shoulder but no one cares or will even come near me it makes me feel diseased they think things about me that aren't true bc I struggle so much to communicate and thry all make assumptions insteqd and no one wants to give me space to talk to them about it so I cant undo that now and its all my fault and I'm so. exhausted :-(
#going to try and stay awake until lunch at least and yhen maybe ill take a nap. but i need to be able to sleep rpoperly tonight#at least i know im only feeling depressed bc my period is due which means my meds dont work how they should#like its kind of weird n psychologically interesting to feel so depressed again suddenly bc i havent been at all lately#well theres not much i can do abt feeling sick and in pain but ill take it easy. wasnt planning on leaving the house today anyway#and i do need to find a way to talk to ppl abt shit im struggling to communicate bc it really does bother me. and i dont want to do this#im tired of keeping everything in and wound so tightly i just want to feel seen and safe around someone please. please 🥹#its all well n good getting along with people better than i rver havebut if they still wont support me when im going through it#then it fades into shallowness like our friendship still has value. but im unable to feel close to them or safe around them#and right now im glad im doing so well im glad of so manynthings but its so scary to know that if i start doing bad again there is#noone and nothing there to catch me i dont have anything in the way of a safety net just myself. so better not fall 👍#and irs been makinf me feel so horrible lately bc my mum has been trying to emotionally drpend on me again and its making me feel like#when i was a teenager again and i was fighting for my fucking life against what i didnt know was mental illness and i had no outlet and#nowhere to go and i wanted to die so badly and meanwhile everyone around me was completely unaware and making me handle all of their#emotional issues and i was trapped there absorbing everyone elses damage and not being able to express mine and thankfully i didnt kill#myself and i got out and ive gotten so much bettee and worse and better sinxe and how i feel now is nothing like that really but im just#being reminded of it a lot and how hard expressing myself is and sometimes it feels like ive made so little progress#in thetorture labyrinth out here. but i dont want to do this forever i need to get better at expressing i just need people to support me#but i feel unsupported its like thin ice. but its alsonmy fault for not trusting. i dontnknowwwww.#maybe when i dont have to pay for private meds anymore and when i get this raise at the end of the year ill try therapy again#i dont think itll solve the issue bc its the ppl i care abt in my life that i need to be able to talk to. but maybe i can get some#better tools to help me be able to do that. i dontnknow i dont want to think about it anymore actually im going to go do smth else#sorry for venting its been a really nice weekend genuinely feeljng so good in general atm. and yeah i still struggle with the same things#but generally ive been handling their effect on my mental health so much better!!!! like im still feeling okay regardless of them#but they are still there and i will need to go from tolerating them to dissolvjng them at some point if i want to feel okay long term#it doesnt have to be like this. and i do actually truly believe that for once which rly is a sign of how much prpgress ive made!!!!#working on my shit is a fucking lifelong project....as im sure it is for everyone else too. all of our first time on planet earth#we will get through yhis. and anyway how i feel now is super temporary jsut triggered by a few thingsand ill keep reacting to them this#way until i managr to properly resolve them properly instead of folding them nicely and tucking them out of view#bleugh. okay yeah thats enough for now. meds softening the edges too ive stopped crying which is smth#chilling for a bit n then im going to watch some tv or a movie and iron and polish my boots and after lunch i might draw. or not we'll see
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omg you guys like zuko??? uhm... he literally grew up rich :/ hes uber privileged and has no significant problems bc of it too
#/s#about#y'see how stupid ya sound?#*has visible scars*#'yeah but like it probably wasnt that bad bc hes rich sooo 🙄🙄🙄🙄'#*was ostracized and abused by his family*#'yeah but like hes rich so its fine his problems are significantly less bad than ~MINE~ who you should really be paying attention to more#for sure for sure'#*seriously. the abuse can not be understated*#'yeah but was it as bad as me growing up being poor? no. of course im not reacting from a place of subtle jealousy. which is also#totally not a wild thing to feel rn about someone whos been severely abused bc hes rich so its fine and hes fine'#great job on your oppression olympics becky. you aced The Most Oppressed Person In The World test#oh except that you dont live in a third world country. but nevermind that#or that... the person im vaguing about specifically didn't also grow up w money.. just that their parent(s?) spent all the money on drugs#wow looks like we both ended up in financial decline huh. but im still like bad or whatever idk#oh and im still totally very very rich. its why i dont have a dishwasher. or enough places to store shit.#or that the apartment i live in is so old and shitty that somehow mosquitoes breed in here. yup. just living in the lap of luxury#because im just. so. darn. rich. 😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒 kys#vent
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oh my god do not click links in emails that tell you to verify your data or your bank account gets locked or click links in messages telling you your safety protocol is ending, like, tomorrow, you will get SCAMMED SO BAD AND YOU WILL LOSE A LOT OF FUCKING MONEY never ever let anyone pressure you into giving away login information especially to your online banking by creating a sense of urgency oh my GOD
some things to look out for
1. spelling mistakes. do you know how many rounds of marketing and sales experts these things go through? if theres a spelling mistake dont click it
2. not using your name. if an email adresses you with "dear customer" or, even worse, a generic "ladies and gentlemen", it is most likely not actually targeted to you
3. verifying or login links. even IF your bank was stupid enough to send these to customers, dont EVER click those. look at me. they can legally argue that youve given your data away and thus they dont have to pay you anything back DONT CLICK THAT FUCKING LINK
4. creating a sense of urgency. do this or we lock your account next week. do this or your ebanking stops working tomorrow. give us all your money in cash or your beloved granddaughter will get HANGED FOR MURDERING BABIES. no serious organisation would ever do something like that over email or sms. ever. hands off.
5. ALWAYS CHECK WHO SENT YOU THE EMAIL. the display name and the email adress can vary a LOT. anyone can check the display name. look at the email adress. does it look weird? call the fucking place it says its from. you will likely hear a very weary sigh.
6. if its in a phonecall, scammers love preventing you from hanging up or talking to other people to have a little bit of a think about whats happening. there should always be a possibility to go hey i wanna think about this ill call back the official number thanks.
7. do not, i repeat, do NOT a) call a phone number flashing on your screen promising to rid your computer of viruses after clicking a dodgy link and b) let them install shit on your computer like. uh. idk. teamviewer.
7.i. TEAM VIEWER LETS PEOPLE USE YOUR COMPUTER HOWEVER THEY WANT AS LONG AS THEYRE CONNECTED. IF YOU DONT KNOW FOR FUCKING SURE YOURE TALKING TO ACTUAL TECH SUPPORT DONT GIVE ANYONE ACCESS TO YOUR COMPUTER.
fun little addendum: did you know a link can just automatically download shit? like. a virus? an app you can't uninstall unless you reset your entire device? dont click links unless youre extremely sure you know where they lead. hover your mouse over it and check the url.
thanks.
#'oh i was so stressed in the moment' thats what theyre counting on PLEASE dont do this you will lose so much money#sometimes money you dont even have#do you know how much overdraft your bank account comes with?#sometimes the answer is 15k fucking euros
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#rant post#i cant wait till i can save up enough cash to move into my own place#i hate living with people who think youre not only supposed to pay rent but ALSO clean up all their messes#like i already pay you rent and keep my shit cleaned up#stop blaming me for your wife and child lwaving their food and shit out#its not my problem#i already clean up after myself my baby and my mama#like were supposed to be equals not servants#wtf#whenever weve had our own places weve always went out of our way to make sure anyone rooming with us was comfortable#why cant other people do the same???#i just dont get it ...
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biggest fool on earth
#wind howls#my stupid ass thought act 2 started after i pass thru the mountain pass. it does not.#it seems im a ways away still....... sigh............#well. its 8 am and im tired. so i will sleep. and perhaps someday i will reach act 2 proper.#my foolish self thought maybe i could finish the game before i start college again. but i think 2 weeks wont be enough#not at the rate im going at the very least.... sigh#well. ill do the most i can. and try to spill my time as little as possible once classes start if it comes to that#i really dont wanna relive the rush i went thru this past finals season. that sucked so hard even if part of it were the strikes too#at least the strikes seem to have been resolved afaik. so hopefully the teavhers will start getting paid proper#and maybe this means well get even better equipment in our classes someday... thatd be really really nice#best case scenario would be the school paying our adobe licenses so i can use the programs at home for free-#instead of only paying those programs for the school computers instead... thatd be nice#oh my god im drawinf a blank. whats the probPREMIERE PRO#premiere pro. i have to learn to crack premiere pro. bc im not fucking paying for that. but i like the ui. and my usage is simple#but vsdc sucks shit...#theres the other free one i could use also. the . well i forgot the name. i tired before but i got confused but#now that i got an editing class proper... i think i could manage it a lot better. im sure of it.#either way its super late or really early and both spell sleep for me. so sleep i will.
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i'm just so fucking done
#i work my butt off#sure done bring much money#or at least not as much as they would want me to#but i also dont get to keep any of it#this month i got maybe 50 pln from my whole paycheck#and yet im constantly reminded that i dont do enough#that i just lay in bed and do nothing#mind you the last two weeks ive been going to sleep around 3#sometimes even 5 bc i was tring so hard at work#but yea i dont do shit#i pay the debts they have in my name#i didnt even see much of the money i got from the sale of my own phone#(which i had to sell to get a cheaper one)#i teach a group of 12 kids twice a week#go to school for the whole afternoon three times a week#freelance translation#and tutor three times a week#but yes#i dont do anything aside from laying in bed#not to mention that im fcking 25#and have nothing to move out#and im also still told what to do#i have to wake up when they wake up#go to bed when they tell me to and sleep when they tell me to UNLESS IM WORKING#but then i just hear i could have done it before#cant even shower/take a bath for as long as i want without them nagging#an rambles
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