#they still just dont get it and think that my tourettes is making me say what i’m thinking

[achilleslyre]

the wayyyyy ppl treat my tics can be sooooo annoying way too often all the time…… they’ll comment on it in the dumbest of ways too like “i know u have no choice of saying that but why are u saying that” BABYGIRLLL u literally just said it! i have no choice! mfer do u truly madly deeply think if i don’t have any control over when i say or do things that i have control over what i’m saying and doing?!?! be fuckin for real right nowwwwwww

[tomblinkies]

hi yall, we're gonna talk real shit here.

I havent seen it a lot on here, and maybe that's because it's not as common on this app. I'd like to talk about tourettes. I have it! surprisingly! I dont think about it often, cause it's not a huge part of my life. I cant entirely say it's a disability because it doesnt hinder my life as it does for many other folks. I will say it's a disability for the sake of others.

being disabled doesnt make you broken, it doesnt make you incapable. people have perceived me as lazy and useless because of my mental illnesses. that is not true. I made it in life and progressed just like people who are "normal". it doesnt take a perfect person to live a perfect life. unless you murder ppl, then that's different.

I come with an abundance (at least it feels like it) of attributes that can make me come across as a hopeless person in society. my brain and habits are contradicting, and it makes my life very difficult. I cannot drive without having to force myself to stop blinking harshly so I can see the goddamn road. disabilities are there, but they do not define you. I blink a lot, and very roughly, but I can still drive from point A to point B. its difficult for now, but itll only get easier.

this is a long ass text post because I'd like people to understand that they are not alone, and they are not useless. everyone has a gift, a purpose. dont let others stop you from finding it!

until my next inevitable rant <3

[aslongasimhereyoureinvincible]

what are your neurodivergent headcanons for hq characters?

asdfjhgfds sorry this has been in my askbox for a few days ive been busy w/ Life Stuff TM but anyways ND haikyuu headcanons lets gooo

hinata:

ik bc hes Sunshiney and Loud lots of ppl read hinata as adhd, which i can deffo see, but personally i read him as autistic

hes extroverted and good at adopting introverts (kageyama, kenma, yachi, tsukki) but when u stop to think abt it hes also actually kinda bad at social ques and 'normal' behaviour?? i think ppl dont notice bc hes also rlly nice but hinata is actually pretty blunt lmao

his special interest is literally volleyball cmon now

its canon that he dislikes being in classes too long or doing homework bc he finds sitting still for too long difficult, both me and my autistic older brother used to get up and pace around our classrooms when we were younger

even though hes rlly athletic and has insane reflexes obviously, hes also pretty clusmy and especially bad at judging distances which to me looks like dyspraxia which is really commonly comorbid w/ autism

ive also read a few fics where he has tourettes syndrome w/ body tic and i can deffo see why ppl would hc that

idk hes just reads as autistic so well in my mind like idk why its not a more common take

kageyama:

this one is less of a headcanon and moreso just interpreting the text correctly; hes definitely autistic

like its my belief that furudate either knowingly wrote kageyama as autistic or like based his personality off of an irl autistic person they knew or SOMETHING bc its actually insane how well he reads as autistic

the lack of social skills? the anger issues? the deep special interest in volleyball? the just wanting to express your feelings/opinions but coming off as rude but not knowing how to fix that? middle school being a living hell? having that one family member who Got you? the high level of skill in one particular area? hes literally the texboox definition of autism

even the little things like how he files his nails and jokes go over his head and he accidentally insults ppl bc hes calling it how he sees it and how he basically had no friends growing up bc he was too focused on volleyball and how he struggles to smile on command like!!! thats autism babe!!!!!!

oh also hes dyslexic bc im dyslexic and i say so

ushijima:

same as kageyama i bet he was either knowing written as autistic or based off of an irl person who is

blunt as all hell, monotone voice and facial expressions, volleyball as a special interest, bad at social interaction, accidentally rude, the list goes on and on

like his whole thing about how his left handedness makes him different but is also a gift that benefits him in some ways? thats a metaphor for neurodivergency dont @ me

oikawa:

i hc him as having narcisstic personality disorder, not in the ableist reddit-user 'all ppl w/ npd are evil manipulative abusers' way but in the ' i have npd and know what it actually looks like' way

hiding massive insecurities by acting like youre amazing?? that fuckin marina lyric thats like 'i feel like im the worst so i always act like im the best'?? that was abt oikawa tooru and npd

feeling threatened the second someone as good or better than you shows up? fixating on one specific thing that you have to be the best at? those are npd as fuck traits

the way he can basically get along with anyone and adjust his play style to suit them but only has a few close friendships where he can let his true personality rlly shine through

hes literally so npd coded augh <3

bokuto:

i read him as adhd and having cyclothymia

i think he was unmedicated in high school and unknowingly had depressive and hypomanic episodes which affected his play

he also very much reads as having rejection sensitive dysphoria if u ask me

and the way he talks and bounces around and has All That Damn Energy gives me adhd vibes, esp pared w/ his poor volume control ad the way he ignores social cues lol

okay quickfire round bc im getting tired of typing

atsumu is autistic, so is osamu for that matter, theyre just at very different points on the spectrum and rub each other up the wrong way a lot of the time bc of it

kita is also autistic bc no neurodivergent person is that particular about doing things the 'right' way

hoshiumi is autistic and adhd

asahi and yamaguchi read like they struggled w/ anxiety and depression

sakusa has ocpd and ocd (contamination ocd specifically) and mysophobia

kyoutani has aspd, again not in a 'aspd = violent agressive psychopaths' way but in a 'i actually have a cluster b personality disorder' way, and adhd also

kenma is autistic and has social anxiety

yachi has social anxiety too bc cmon now

tsukki reads to me as having chronic depression, i think i could also make a case for him being autistic too ngl

tendou is some flavour of neurodivergent, probally audhd, probably some other stuff, idk but hes definitely not neurotypical

like hinata, lev reads as autistic to me even tho hes got that goodball energy thatd make lots of ppl read him as adhd bc like,, he just fuckin sucks at social interaction like he is accidentally rude all the damn time lmaoo

fukunaga and aone are both autistic w/ selective mutism and/or partial to moderate non-verbalness

obviously its none of my business and i think having headcanons abt irl ppl is Fucking Weird but i wouldnt be surprised if furudate themself was autistic bc truly so many characters in haikyuu can be read that way if u ask me, although maybe im just projecting lol

[toinfinitywinning]

confident about confidence & not confident that makes sense.

*real Quick. This (G)entry might make ur head spin. Could also Title : what you think no one knew. U tried it.

I wont ask for a raise of hands. Everyone deals with it. There’s no solution, no answer. Experience & being a dumbass——>Guidance and wisdom. There are many reasons I bring up confidence. One, it’s one of those words that’s not a word …it is a State of being. you just kind of don’t know where to place it b/c well, you’re not confident of where to land w/ it and even if you were you’d be like just leave it bc i don’t have time for this. to debate confidence v confidence? again Dog-ear the page or burn it bc im not even confident about THAT. Then once and only if it’s (the whole world of confidence) placed hyper-questioning kicks in: is that where it should be? Then… be and stay? Also am I losing it? I’m not confident about that but maybe. That’s always on the agenda you never agreed to and I AM confident about that i think.

If there is one constant in My Life it’s been My back n forth relationship with confidence. I have this thought daily, truly. I’ll say to myself ok yea I’m cute…

[insert any other compliment you give yourself or even receive by others only b/c you’re actually insecure— and just like the fact you’re still sick from being healthy (Me) it doesn’t make sense so bc it doesn’t make sense just I guess get over it and carry on]

…but R u cute enough to actually be happy and okay about that or do you want to change something? Take another chiseled mirror picture flexing? And u never went to a trainer? Feel better now? But I only got 3 likes. So idk.

Er No i think I’ve figured it out. Just dont eat. Exercise 2-4 hrs a day. Weights. 100 Push-up’s. 100 Calf raises. Repeat. Twice a Day if ya can. Anything to find confidence in the material. Find Pride. Only Pride you’re good at tho is the lgbtq spectrum and recently are glad it’s a spectrum since u have no idea where you fall into it anymore bc you’re not confident and it’s completely irrelevant b/c I can live between the letters+ the rest of my Life— that’s fine. Any of which could be foreshadowing of any category of Illness to come. But yea Now that you’re sick…you gotta trash your other Pride AGAIN b/c you can’t do anything without help.

10, 9, 8…my Tourette’s R throttled.

Then lately, aka the past 2 years—I can make the cute comment, i like my sun freckles and My eyes. My baby hairs when i wear a hat backwards. My smile. Just dont smile where you look fat or have a dbl chin bc you worked too hard to get all that weight off and how would that look if you just got fat again? Pitiful and weak and a fraud. Going back on your word b/c anything I declare Online is binding. So just Show some of your body in pics but not all so people dont think youre trying NOT to be totally honest with internet fame but so you still look confident. but as for doing anything about it…physically can’t now b/c trying to get better is not a good idea bc of POTS and Pppunishment for trying to be in shape but oh when u tried to be in shape never was not-not punishment. Then what…back to no confidence. Felt like My Face is cute but _______ oh, ill still think that later. Confident about that. Forget about iiit. Post it.

Then all the sudden youre not just fighting with yourself. there’s the whole social Media thing also including the “felt cute, might _____ later.” What R we doing later (?!) LOL. We say Shit that doesn’t make sense at all. (English still deemed the hardest language to learn b/c we have three versions of the same thing). Who decided why ppl need to know what we’re doing later if we are cute? LOL, Well then, I’m typically the later. I think. B/c if I even did feel cute I didn’t have enough confidence to say it, yea? Even if I was?

TRAP

This goes back to My eating Disorder(s)—which, is technically a fantastic eerily precluding example of the back and forth weight and confidence issues I’ve always had on and off. Ok so weight, up and down. Confidence obviously plays along. Self worth in that scale- turn the lights off. Can’t see your bones anymore, I’m doing something wrong. I’m healthier but I also have Long COVID-19? I lost all this weight and im fainting? Oh and science does back up that the reason u were so susceptible to getting sick is bc you got healthy! Your body was so assaulted it kicked into overdrive to help you but did a 180 gainer instead of the whole 360. So u Quit smoking. stopped drinking, et. Working on an eating disorder mixed of anorexia and exercise bulimia bc you used to be morbidly obese and lost 150 lbs and dammit you’re gonna let ppl know it for confidence’s sake. Do. Not. Waiver. Social Media is holding us all hostage and accountable.

That’s weak, Gentry. B/c if it’s on the Internet it’s REAL and it’s permanent. Keep it up. Don’t think about it too much.

Back to my body being so healthy it gets sick. The most laughable backwards bull shiggity I’ve ever been a part of. My Pleasure. Again, body got So healthy in fact, the health takes form and wants to protect you so badly that it turns turbo, fast, furious and wants to heal you SO fast and so well, well, it’s bad. And, AND, you cant do anything about that trust me your body is confident in that. Oh and also wait even tho u did follow all the covid safety rules half of America made fun of that is also irrelevant. Why? I’m confident the answer is bc What why? LOL. This gets Good, gets better. Need 2 years to explain. So book it in advance.

Speed ‘round to tie all the above mess? not confident I can do that with this entry. Can’t speed through any of this type Schitt in a few words. Forget a proofread.

Engine sputters. Then stops even sputtering. And pls stop using that word.

Pretty confident I can’t go anywhere now!

See now? Ofc you don’t.

Truly it was the beginning of the End. I’m confident about that. I do thank God for that tho. Not that this needed to happen but something needed to distract Me from myself and its prison only I could have built. Go ahead and add that pressure to your Tab too.

Me thinks i do. I sound Manic. And steroids influenced.

PS: if you take anything from this—these strategies of extremes to get extremes don’t work. They’re temporary. It’s more your mind than your body. They’re not going to make you happy everlasting.even Snow White got F’d temporarily and she was not even cute. There’s a shallowness to the extremes intoxication but unless like an Addiction you’re ready to Face and admit it honestly healing cannot Begin. TIME is on your side and most of the time you’d prefer it the other Way then the other Way. So This “advice”— or call it what you want— doesn’t just apply to confidence and the extremes we Will take so you CAN be all about you you you. Where is the line btw confidence Health and cockiness and a titch narcissism? The obsession—It Will leave you empty.

I just read the above and thank goodness I didn’t handwrite it b/c then you’d really have no chance of deciphering any part of it! Even so you may have to learn the hard Way like most of us. Something I’ll never understand but can look at somebody and know they’ve been there too.

Just do you. Don’t try so hard. You’ll be so tired. But just be present. That’s gonna bring joy. Not a scale. Not a selfie. What do YOU want. Trust my confidence on this at least. Ya can’t beat it. Truly is what is at your Core. What do people think first? I’m still unsure I want to know that anyway! Being yourself is terrifying. WHYYY?!

I need a scribe.

Don’t ask Me ;)

Be blessed.

Xx, g3

[mosspapi]

hai ok prefacing this by saying i know ur not a medical doctor butttt im just getting community input i guess so i have some form of motor/vocal tics and like. idk i definitely wouldnt say it's a CONSCIOUS decision for me to tic (like jerking my arm or whatever) but i feel it impending... like i know im going to tic within the next second or wutever. or there's like this looming energy that i will tic.

im wondering if im gaslighting myself into thinking that it's not conscious decision when it actually is, if that makes sense. like if i am subconsciously deciding to jerk my arm. i wonder that then i'll hold a skewer and accidentally stab myself with it without realizing until it happened lol like... input pretty please? i guess what i want you to answer is if you know of some factor that will let yourself know whether or not you're ticcing on purpose. or something like that. pretty please. this has been going on for 3 years but it stopped happening for over half a year and there's been breaks in between, does this sound like tourettes to you? it's just so confusing cuz i have no reason to tic, it's genuinely so annoying

dont answer anything ur not comfortable with of course, im just kinda at a loss and i'll ask my parents to go to a neurologist or something soon. thank you so much by the way

Hello anon! No worries, ur all good. And that's definitely a very common thing with Tourette's as far as I'm aware- like for me it won't be every tic, but I can definitely tell when it's gonna happen for a lot of them. I've even been thru a whole branch of therapy dedicated to helping notice those warning signs and being able to counteract the tic if it's smth hurtful/dangerous (like I had one that was punching myself in the head which. Isn't ideal lmao. So we spent a few weeks finding out how it felt to do the tic, where it came from, how I noticed it, etc, and developing an "inverse" action to do instead so it wouldn't happen as much, such as stretching my arm if the tic felt like tension, if that makes sense).

It's also very common that thinking about a tic will make you tic when you have Tourette's, so if that's part of what's worrying you (IE "oh I'm just faking it/doing it on purpose without realizing because I do it when someone mentions it"), that's ironically a sign that it's Not fake lmao

And Tourette's does sort of come and go, there will be "better" times and "worse" times- I don't know for how long it's considered normal to be "better", so I can't say whether 6+ months of Nothing would make it not Tourette's, but it very well still could be, or at least some other tic disorder.

I would definitely recommend trying to see a professional abt it since there are potentially other causes for tics that aren't Tourette's, but at least from my personal experience it does very well sound like that's what it could be. Hopefully it all goes smoothly for u! And hopefully this all made sense lol, I'm a little tired atm so if anything is incoherent just lmk and I'll try again /g

[adi06lena]

Why can't it just stop?

Natasha Romanoff x autistic!tourettes!fem!reader

Summary: Y/n is having bad day with her tics so Natasha helps her

Warnings: tic, crying, cussing, i don't think there anything else but let me know if im wrong!

Translations: мамы = mamas(i love the nickname dont judge me), (french)Papillon = butterfly

word count: 3k

Y/n is autistic although I'm focusing on tics more

A/N: this is how tic attacks and tics in general are for me but everyone experiences it differently. Also the end is more focused on lovey dovey stuff and natty taking care of Y/n and less about tics

Tic attacks and random little tic I don’t notice - like my eyebrow twitching, flapping hands(that also could be happy stim for me), tapping feet, or shaking my head vigorously etc.- are very annoying a frustrating -yea I usually cry when I have a tic attack because it’s that frustrating- so I thought I’d write about it. 

My tics are usually random unless I’m under stress or doing something I don’t like -like when I wake up lol-. 

My Canadian ass decided  to put a Tim’s(you’ll understand if your Canadian)  in this lol the end is so rushed cuz it was like 3am also not edited

i wrote the last part not masking so you get to see the un masked version of me and how i act.

its so shitty im sorry 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I wake up to light shining through the blinds. I can tell this is going to be a bad day. I already feel a tic attack coming on. I turn to see Nat still sleeping. Hair sprawled out on her pillow. I gently move to lay on my back as to not wake her - it usually helps with my tics-  and bring my heels up to my butt. My feet start to bounce -the beginning of a tic attack-. Nat started to wake. I just bring my hands to my chest and try to breathe. Sometimes I can breathe through them and only tic a little. But I can't just stop a tic fully. I take deep breaths as  my feet tap, my hands only flapping a little this time. That happened a couple times. A wave of relief comes after the tics. 

I can't help the tears that fall down my cheeks. My tics are usually triggered but can also just happen. It's just so frustrating. So tiring. I don't notice Nat awake till she's wiping my tears. She kisses the side of my head.

“Bad day huh?”

All I can do is nod. Nat knows some days are harder than others and she recognizes today is one of those days.

“In bed longer natty?”

“Oh course мамы”

We only layed for another 30 minutes. Natasha brushed my fluffy hair out of my face.

“I think we gotta get up baby”

 I can't help but whine. I just want to stay in bed.

“I know мамы but we gotta eat, and I think maybe a little walk or some training can help” 

She's not wrong moving around does usually help a lot. 

“Hm? How does that sound, baby?”

I can feel my eyebrow tic.

“Your right it would probably help”

“Hold on say that again”

I can't help but giggle

“Say what? That a walk would help?”

“No before that”

I groan and hide my face in my hands. She pulls my hands to see my face.

“That you're right”

“Ahh feels nice”

I slap her on the arm. 

“Ow”

She rubs her arm. I just laugh. 

“ its not my fault i don't hear it a lot”

I look up at her

“Kinda is natty”

Now it's my turn to say ‘ow’ as she slaps my arm. I feel another big tic coming so I stop for a minute and breathe. My head shakes kinda hard. Nat just rubs my side trying to calm me down faster.

“Okay i think it's really time to get up”

I grumble out a small “okay”. Nat gets up first. 

“You wanna change now or after breakfast мамы?”

“Can we after so I can have a shower?”

“Of course baby”

Nat makes her way over to hug me. I bury my head in her chest. She just holds me and rocks side to side. I tic a little in her arms. 

She lets go and grabs my hand and leads me out the door, making our way to the kitchen

“What are we feeling for breakfast?”

She walks over to the fridge, as I move to lean against the counter.

“Can i have some fruit and a little yogurt please”

“of course babygirl”

She grabs some strawberries, kiwis and yogurt, Then makes her way beside me at the counter. I reach to the cupboard at my feet and grab a cutting board and pass it to her. She kisses the side of my head.

“Thank you мамы”

I just hum. I lean my head in my hands and let out a deep sigh. Nat moves to grab a knife and starts cutting the fruit. I grab a couple plastic bowls and start putting a little bit of yogurt in each. Nat put the knife in the sink. 

“Alright done chopping”

I push the bowls over to her. She mumbles a ‘thank you baby’ while I grab some spoons -metal for Nat and plastic for me-. I place the spoons on the table and sit down on the bench waiting for nat.

My feet start tapping again. I lean against the back of the bench and bring my knees to my chest. Ball my hands and bring those to my chest. My head starts to shake vigorously. This is a bad one. I can't help but let out little whines. I can see Nat from the corner of my eye as she quickly walks over. She puts the bowls down and sits beside me. She takes my hands and brings them to her chest. I look over at her.

“Its okay baby, im here”

After some time it finally stops. I bring my feet down to the ground and Nat lets go of my hands. I let out a deep breath. Nat caresses my cheek.

“You okay now love?”

I just nod. I can sometimes go non verbal after bigger tics for a little.

“Are you good to eat? Or do you want me to feed you?”

I shake my head no, lean forward, pick up my spoon and start eating. Nat wraps her hand around my waist and starts to eat.

I finish eating and put my dishes in the sink, I go back and sit next to Nat. I just sit until she's done. She pushes her bowl away and hugs me.

“You wanna shower now baby?”

I nod my head. I let out a surprised yelp when she picked me up to make our way to our shared room. I wrap my arms around her neck and legs around her waist. I rest my head on her chest listening to her heartbeat.

We make it to the room. She sets me down on the edge of the bed. My eyebrow twitches again. I move under her shirt with my hands around her waist. I can feel her laugh. I give a quick peck to her scar and snuggle into her more. She wraps her arms around my shoulders.

“Come on love we need to get clean”

I whine. She pulls her shirt off of me, lifts my chin up so I'm looking into her eyes.

“You can go pick out our clothes and I'll go get the bathroom ready”

“Okay natty”

She lets go and goes to the bathroom. I sigh, then stand up and make my way to the closet. I pick out sweats, t-shirt for Nat and just some joggers and one of nats oversized t-shirt for me. I make my way out of the closet and put the clothes on our bed and make my way to the bathroom. I see Nat got my favourite stuff for showers - i don't like baths because i always look and feel like a prune after- like my strawberry body wash, and my favorite shea butter shampoo and conditioner. She also got the big fluffy towels. God I love this woman. She turns around.

“After this we're gonna go for a little walk then snuggle and nap for the rest of the day”

“Yes please”

“Alright let's get in then baby” 

We both undress. Nat hops in first and turns the water on and checks the temperature. 

“Come on love”

Nat keeps the shower door open and I get in and snuggle into her chest. Natasha grabs  my shampoo and starts to wash my roots. I hum, relaxing at her touch. She quickly washes it out -as to not make my hair dry- and starts on the conditioner. She massages my scalp for a few minutes and then sections it off, twisting it out of the way. 

She starts on my body next. She grabs a washcloth and squirts some body wash on it. 

“You gotta let go of me now мамы”

I let out a deep sigh and detach from nat. My hands start to flap so I ball them up and bring them to my chest. My head starts shaking vigorously. Why can't it just stop? I'm so tired. Nat quickly wraps her arms around me so i don't slip. She rocks us back and forth. My tics seem to be getting worse. Sobs escape me. I just want it to stop.

“Make it stop natty”

I don't see it but tears escape nats eyes. My arms try to flap more but can't as they are pulled against nats chest. She just holds me tighter and I just start cussing. 

“Fuck”

“Bitch”

“Pussy”

“Fuck off”

“Stop!”

After a few more minutes they start to calm down. 

“Your okay baby, its over”

She leaves a quick peck on my forehead and Nat quickly finishes cleaning my body and then moves to wash the conditioner out -with the twists in so they don't tangle- with cold water. 

She turns off the water and leans over grabbing a towel to wrap me in. she scrunches it just above my breasts, She grabs another one and does the same for herself. She opens the shower door and we both get out. She lifts me on the counter. 

“I'll be right back love”

She left another quick peck on my forehead before leaving. I turn around a little and grab some products and a couple ponytails and put them beside me. I lean against the mirror.

Nat comes back fully dressed.

“Alright love lets get you dressed”

I sit up and Nat walks over. She puts my bra and shirt on. Then my panties and joggers. 

“Time for your hair мамы”

My arms start flapping at her words. I don't like having to do my hair.

“I know but I'll be quick. I'm just gonna do some French braids love”

“Okay natty”

Nat grabs a brush from behind me. She takes 1 of the 4 twists and grabs my detangler and starts detangling it. She's gentle and starts from the ends and works her way up. She grabs my leave in and puts that in and brushes it to spread the product. 

She finishes all the sections.

“Alright time to braid then we can go for a walk”

I nod. She starts to weave the pieces picking up new ones forming a braid on the side of my head. She finishes off the braid by tying it off with a ponytail. 

“Next one then your done”

She finished the last braid and tied it off as well. She helped me down. 

“I’m gonna grab the jackets” 

“okay natty I’ll go get shoes” 

She nods and walks over to the closet. I make my way down stairs to the front door. I see shoes -Nat has combat boots and I have air Jordan's- I sit and start putting mine on. Its hard to get the pressure even on each side so I got these cool things that make them slip ons. Nat has her combat boots so I start getting those ready for her to put on. 

She comes down just as I’m finishing. I see she has her coat on already while carrying mine. 

“Come here natty You need your shoes on” 

She chuckles and walks over. She sits and I slip the first one on, doing up the laces -I recently learned how to make a butterfly tie so I do that- and zipping it up. She watches with love in her eyes. I finish the other and stand up.

“Thanks you baby” 

“Did you like the butterfly tie?” 

Nats starts putting on my coat as we talk. My first arm goes in.

“I did my love. Where did you learn that?” 

I put my second hand in.

“I saw a video on it and Thought it was perfect” 

“Why’s that baby?”

She starts zipping up my jacket

“Well the butterfly represents undying love and I’ll love you forever so it fits”

She stands up making sure everything is done up. 

“Aw you’re sweet, thank you babygirl” 

She gives me a gentle kiss

“Can we go for a walk now natty?” 

“We sure can baby. Just wait by the door I need to get the keys and gloves”

“Okay natty” 

We part ways as she makes her way to the kitchen, and me the front door. 

I decide to wait outside. It’s snowing today so I just look at all the snow. I put my hand in my pockets. Nat comes out and locks the door behind her pocketing the keys.

“my love you needed your gloves before you come out here” 

“It’s so pretty natty I couldn’t wait” 

She just takes my hands giggling and starts putting on my gloves. There a dark red -my favourite because they remind me of natty- and does up the Velcro around my wrists. 

“Alright now that my baby’s hands won’t get cold we can go” 

I just giggle. I intertwine our gloved hands. We start our walk. 

“Where are we walking today natty?” 

“I was thinking to Tim Horton's and then back home”

I beam at that.

“Can we get candy cane hot chocolate?”

“Of course baby” 

I can’t help the goofy smile that appears on my face. 

“Yay, my favorite!” 

 Nat chuckles. We don’t talk much. Only look at the trees and the snow. 

As soon as we get close I start to run. 

“Baby stop running you’ll slip!” 

“I’m fine natty, I need to get my hot cocoa!” 

She catches up with me and grabs my waist.

“I know love, we’ll get you your hot cocoa but you gotta walk okay?”

“Okay”

Nat grabs my hand and  we walk up to the entrance. We wait in line. I focus on the TV menu. Nat kisses my temple and rubs my back as social places can be too much for me. 

“You wanna a smile cookie to baby?

“Yes please natty”

We move up the line as people get their orders. They call us to the till. 

“What can i get for you today?”

Before Nat can start i cut her off.

“Can we get 2 medium candy cane hot chocolates double cupped please?”

They put it in the system. My hands clap -happy stim-. 

“Anything else?”

Nat talks this time

“Also 2 smile cookies and that's all”

they puts that in as well.

“Okay and your total comes to 6.98, what are you paying with today ma’ma?”

I pull out my card. Nats lets me as i usually get bad anxiety about having enough money. im to excited to care right now.

“Debit please”

“Okay whenever your ready”

I quickly tap my card.

“Alright you can pick your stuff up just down there when it's ready”

We both walk down to the pick up area. Are things arrive quickly. 

“Here you go babygirl”

Nat hands me my drink and cookie. My eyebrow twitches

“Thank you natty!”

She grabs hers. We start to make our way home while sipping and snacking. It takes a little longer to get home because I get distracted by some snow and want to play for a little while. Nat just watches ‘not wanting to get cold’ - a Russian getting cold? I know crazy-. 

Nat quickly opens the door kicking the snow off her boots and taking off her gloves, I do the same. I set my drink down and take off my jacket. I sit and take off my shoes. I see Nat on the bench taking off her jacket. I scooch over to her feet and start gently under doing her combat boots. Once I'm done I put them up nicely.

Natty comes up behind me and hugs me. I giggle, which is music to nats ears.

“You wanna take a nap now?”

I turn around wrapping my arms around her waist and snuggle into her. I nod my head.

“Alright lets get you to bed then baby”

I move my hands around her neck as she grabs the back of my thighs and wraps my legs around her waist. 

She brings us to our room and sets me down on the bed. I immediately snuggle in the blankets.

“Wow replaced me already”

I just grumble making grabby hands at her. She gets in bed and I snuggle up to her. She starts to rub my back.

“I'm proud of you for today baby”

I look up and peck her lips.

“Thank you natty”

Nat kisses my forehead. I feel my eyelids getting heavy. 

“I love you natty”

“I love you too papillon”

I drift off in nats arms knowing even on my worst days she'll be there. We’re re butterflies and we fly together.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Meaning of butterfly in love(according to google):The most prevailing is its symbolism for long life. When two butterflies are seen flying together or are following each other, it represents undying love.

thank you for taking the time to read this!!

i hope you enjoyed! have a good morning/evening/night!!!

 ~Adi out <3

[monsieurenjlolras]

Hi everybody! Here's a very important fact about tourettes!

VERBAL TICS ARE ONLY ONE SPECIFIC KIND OF TIC, AND NOT EVERYONE WITH TOURETTES HAS THEM!

I've had tourettes since I was a toddler ( was probably born with it but that's when people started noticing.) Nearly all my tics are physical. When I have told people I have tourette, which isn't often because of the stigma and misunderstanding around it, a lot of people say stuff like "um but you dont yell swear words" and assume I'm lying.

Tourettes is chatactorised by involuntary repetative movements called tics (yes, spelled like that.) Verbal tics are portrayed the most in media because they are usually the most obvious, and because people are like "haha this character yells sexual things that's so funny," cause they're insensative asshole dumdums. (Side note: many people with tourettes do like to make jokes about their tics and think they are funny, but that is totally up to that person and they are not obligated to have a sense of humor about it, and is not permission for you to be an asshole.)

Verbal tics are not always "inapropriate." Sometimes they are repeating word many times after you say it. Sometimes it's a quote from a movie or song or video game. Sometimes it's just a random word or phrase.

Vocal tics are slightly different (this might not be the completely correct terminology but it's how me and my other TS friends have always talked about them.) They involve involuntary sounds, but not neccesarily words, like whooping, coughing, laughing, clicking, imitsting noises, etc.

Physical tics are extremely common. They can be pretty much anything. My most frequent ones are scrunching up my nose, blinking/winking rapidly, rolling my shoulder back in a cirxle and hitting my upper arm against my side on the way forward, full body shivers, and blurring my eyes. Other common ones are clicking ankles or knees together, shaking your head back and forth, and sometimes hitting yourself or objects.

These are all completely valid forms of tourettes!!!! And they are qll completely involuntary. That means that people with tourettes DO NOT HAVE CONTROL OVER THEM. This is not a situation of "well I know you have a mental illness but it's still your responsibility to try and get better and not do things that hurt other people," or "you wouldn't have said that offensive word if it wasn't something you already thought and had in your vocabulary." It is a literal motor disorder and there is no part of the person with tourettes that has made the conscious intentional decision to do these things.

All these types of tics can be very hard to live with, so if someone trusts you enough to tell you about their TS, don't be an asshole and accuse them of lying because you haven't done your research. Everyone can and should reblog.

[whale-minmin]

↬ ♡ rules & other ♡ ↬

REQUESTS CLOSED! open ONLY for MONSTA X.

↬ no smut, suggestive or 18+ at all. i'm a minor and will not write it.

↬ absolutely don't spread hate. this account is a safe space and you will be blocked! friendly reminder anons can get blocked + reported too :)

↬ do not repost or translate my works, even with proper credit.

↬ if you want to talk, rant or anything, my ask box and dms are open! it's good to let it all out sometimes <33

↬ if you are homophobic, racist, sexist, transphobic etc. let me show you the exit door <3

↬ i try to make my posts gender natural unless stated otherwise so everyone can enjoy my work! <3

↬ english is not my first language so i apologize for any mistakes i make!

↬ i do not support yandere, yandere behavior or toxic people at all. all my yandere works are pure fiction.

↬ please, when you request, be specific! i dont want to mix things up, say whether you want a reaction/scenario/headcanons etc. please.

↬ if i won’t do your request, try to understand it. i try to do all requests but if it's too complicated and hard for me or you request something i may be uncomfortable with please just respect i don’t wish to do it!

↬ nothing with diseases/disorders, like autism, tourette’s syndrome etc. i don’t know much about these and i’m afraid i’ll offend someone without intention to :( 

↬ if there are two identical requests, i'll delete one of them. just so you know <3 

↬ respect me and my rules.

↬ Requesting! ( REQUESTS CLOSED )

I write :

- Scenarios/oneshots

- Reactions

- Extended reactions

- MTL

- Headcanons

- Kpop Group/Idol as...

 - Prompt Scenarios ( Yandere )

Yandere

Vampire/Werewolf/Hybrid etc.

Angst, Fluff, Romance, Horror etc.

Mafia

Fantasy ( Fairies, hybrids etc. )

+ other

I don’t write :

+18/Smut/Suggestive

Hateful stuff

Idol x Idol

Idols who are dating ( Bobby, Chen, E’Dawn, Joy etc. ), but i’ll still write for them if it doesn’t include the reader being in a romantic relationship with them! 

MTL like for a race/ethinicity, for example : EXO MTL to date a Japanese girl, ENHYPEN MTL to date a black girl.

Or MTL to date, for example, a skinny or chubby girl, these type of things. Not writing that, sorry.

↬ How to request?

State which group/idol you want, what topic, and please say what you want, since a lot of people don’t and i don’t want to cause any misunderstanding! Say whether you want a scenario, MTL, a headcanon etc, please! Try to be creative with your request too, i won’t take an ATEEZ reaction to Y/N getting their nails done etc. I also DO NOT accept requests in my DMs. Put them in the ask box please <3

your request DOESN’T have a 100% chance of being written. i have stressed over requests a lot in the past so now if you request, know that it’s a suggestion on what i should write. if i’m uncomfortable, your request doesn’t fulfill my rules or i don’t want to write it then it will be deleted and forgotten. and if i think a request is too similiar to one that i had before, i won’t write it! i don’t want my works to be too repetitive <3

↬ Good Examples :

Can i request a AB6IX reaction to Y/N asking them for vocal lessons? Thank you!

ATEEZ MTL to date a foreigner?

Twice Yandere Profiles? Thank you!

↬ Bad Examples :

Yandere Monsta X please! Thank you! ( scenario? headcanons? reaction? yandere profile? guess we’ll never know, please state it in your request! )

ENHYPEN Yandere scenario, thank you! ( what topic? )

Chan yandere headcanons, thank you! ( chan from a.c.e? chan from stray kids? guess we'll never know )

↬  The groups/idols i write for :

Monsta X

ATEEZ

A.C.E

Stray Kids OT8

AB6IX

Seventeen

K.A.R.D

The Boyz

Oneus

MCND

BTS

Mamamoo

iKON

EXO OT9

Got7

Twice

Red Velvet ( no wendy )

Day6

SHINee

TXT

Victon

VIXX

Blackpink

Pentagon

Astro

X1

ChungHa

Sunmi

E'LAST

ITZY

Enhypen

(G)I-DLE

Cravity

SF9

NU'EST

CLC

Dreamcatcher

Golden Child 

Everglow

IU

[whumpingcrow]

Pt.21 "The 'Welcome Home' Committee"

CW: nightmares/PTSD/flashbacks, dehumanizing language/themes, collar mention, aftermath of emotional abuse/gaslighting, tourettes/ticcing, self deprecating whumpee, drugs/alcohol (explicit), discussion of past noncon/dubcon, whumpee expecting noncon/dubcon, injury/blood mention, brief sensory deprivation mention, food mention (let me know if I missed anything!)

Tyson was holding Elias close against him in their shared bed, mind almost entirely occupied with the thought of how happy he was that Elias was home safe. He couldn't be sure, but it looked like he was enjoying the way Tyson was stroking down his back gently, his body arching into the touch. Tyson watched with interest, trying to tell if he was aware of his reaction, if he was asleep. It didn't matter, he decided, he had his Elias in his arms, twitching and stirring and alive, so it didn't matter if he was awake and aware or not. Tyson was observing him closely for any signs of a nightmare just in case he was asleep, but the last time he saw him have one it wasn't evident until he woke up, gasping and searching the dark for a threat, so he was sure he wouldn't be able to tell until it was too late. When he wasn't keeping a watchful eye on Elias, he shifted his focus between the bedroom door and the window, paying extra close attention to any car or person that passed by.

Tyson was ready this time, the doors were locked and the hall light was on, he had a baseball bat hung up on the door. Elias had to feel safe, he would show him that it was ok to be home, that Tyson really wasn't going to let anything bad happen to him, not again.

Still, even with all of the new safety precautions, it wasn't too long after the sun started to rise that Elias bolted out of Tyson's arms and out of bed, his shoulders hitting the wall hard as he stumbled into the corner.

"No! No, no, no! Please God, please!" He cried, arms wrapped around his shaking body as he slowly slid down to the floor, anguished sobs retching him forward. "I'll be g-good! I'll be good!"

"Elias!" Tyson rushed, hopping out of bed and approaching him carefully. "It's ok, you're ok!"

"I told them no! P-please, don't h-hurt me please!!" He had his eyes squeezed shut, arms pulling his legs to his chest to protect his body. Tyson watched him flinch away from injuring hands that were only there in his imagination. Tyson hadn't even tried to touch him yet. "I swear I'll be better!"

"Baby, listen to me," he tried, dropping his voice low to try and counteract Elias's hysteria, "it's me, it's Tyson. No one's gonna hurt you."

Elias shook his head furiously, ducking away further into the corner. He was sobbing and begging incoherently now, his panic manifesting into cries of "please, please d-dont, I'm so sorry, please!" and the like.

Tyson had an idea of what to say to try and calm Elias, but even thinking the words made him bitter. When Allen had first gotten back from August, Tyson and Leo had to adopt some of his heinous language in order to keep Allen calm. Tyson remembered how quickly it worked, how it could make Allen drop his hysteria in only moments. They used it only when they had exhausted all other options, because both Leo and Tyson were upset at how much it felt like speaking to a dog. But it was different with Elias, Tyson couldn't encourage him to stay in the same mindset he'd been forced into, so he wouldn't use the same language August used, he refused to. He tried again, in his own way. "Eli, everything's ok. Look at me, please."

"I c-c-cant!" He sobbed again, thrown back into hysterics. "I won't, August! I'll be good!"

Tyson wanted to put a hole through the wall. Fucking August. He broke Elias, he made him unable to sleep through the night, made him too scared to remember Tyson. It was repulsive, to see the aftermath of such a monster on the person he loved. He thought back to Allen, how fast he was able to calm down at those two, dangerously sweet words. But would Elias even react the same? What if it just made it worse? All of those fears and more ran rampant through his head, but he was running out of options, and Elias wasn't calming down, so he really didn't have another choice.

"Angel," he murmured, extending his hand slowly, trying to coax him to open up a bit, "you're alright. You're...you're a good boy, Eli."

It worked like a charm, and Tyson cringed at the effectiveness. Elias relaxed, uncrossing his arms and leaning forward. He looked so scared still, head turned to the side so he wasn't looking at Tyson, inching out of the corner slowly. His ragged breathing was evening out a little at a time. "I...I...?"

"Yeah, there you go. Good." He smiled softly at Elias in the pale blue morning sun, moving to lean against the wall with him. He was relieved when Elias rested his head against his shoulder, sighing deeply as he did. Tyson looped his fingers around his thigh, squeezing gently. "I've got you, darling."

Elias whimpered, ticcing in small twitches against Tyson. "I'm s-sorry." He breathed, muted by his guilt, barely audible.

"No, don't be, Elias. Are you ok now? Are you back with me?"

"I think so." As he spoke, he turned to look up at Tyson, blinking hard to clear the tears from his eyes. "Hm...Ty." He breathed. "My Tyson."

"Yeah. Yeah, love, that's right." He searched Elias's face for a moment, taking in the remnants of fear leftover from his nightmare. "Do you...you wanna talk about it?"

Elias didn't say anything for a long time, looking away from Tyson and instead out the window as he pondered the question. It was windy, the palm trees just outside were swaying against the breeze. He realized that it must've been early morning, and a twinge of guilt for waking Tyson up like that hit him. He didn't know if he wanted to talk about it, about August or the strangers or the pain. But Tyson deserved to know, and he was asking like maybe he wanted to hear what happened. So Elias turned his attention back to Tyson and started talking.

"I don't understand what I did wrong. I don't know why he stopped… pretending to care about me." The weight of the sentence made him feel tired all over again, and he was frightened to be admitting to his confusion. He was an idiot, to not even know what he did to be punished. He knew that it was well deserved, but that's about where the understanding stopped. "I mean...I know I messed up somehow, but I can't remember what I did. He just stopped c-caring."

"You didn't do anything, Eli. It was all him."

"No...Ty, he cared about me, at least a little. He went through all that trouble to...how could I not be good enough for him? What does that say about me?"

"It says that you're too good for a scumbag like that. Maybe he just finally realized that."

Elias froze. He didn't believe it, of course, but the words made something glimmer behind his tears. "Too...too good?"

"Yes, love," Tyson cooed softly, taking his hand, "he knew that people like him don't deserve good people like you. He must've just dropped the facade."

"So who am I...Am I good enough for you? Not too good?" His voice was desperate, borderline hopeful, if Tyson dared to believe that.

"Mhm. You're perfect." He chuckled softly, squeezing his hand ever so gently. "And I want you so badly. Good or not."

Elias finally broke a smile, a genuine, almost carefree, grin as he looked up at Tyson in adoration. He was still shaking, but his breathing was back to normal and he felt more grounded. Usually August would force him to ride out the fear from the nightmares on his own, then punish him later for keeping him awake with his whimpering. "Sorry I woke you up like that." He added it, just for good measure, because Tyson didn't hurt him, he wouldn't, but he was still nervous. He wondered when that would stop.

"You didn't, baby. Besides, it's morning anyway." He stood up, pulling Elias up with him. "Also uh...Allen's been asking about you. If you're ok with it he wanted to come check on you later."

"T...today?" He mumbled, sinking back onto the mattress and watching Tyson pick a shirt out from the closet.

"You can get settled in first, I don't want to overwhelm you-"

Elias could laugh. Settle in, what a joke. Ten months in France made this place he used to call home feel distant and strange, how could he possibly settle in? "Today's fine. I just wanna...wanna wake up and stuff first."

"You sure? You've only been home a day."

"I'm sure," he smiled at him to really sell it, and Tyson nodded approvingly.

Elias washed the dishes as they waited for Allen to show up, Tyson was tidying up in the other room. Supposedly Leo was coming too, and Elias was heavy with fear. He'd be sent away before they got there, surely, given substances to shut him up. Or maybe Tyson would allow Elias to be used, maybe he'd watch.

Elias was afraid at the dreadful excitement he felt at the idea. He was sick to his stomach with anxiety at the possibility of something like that happening, but he couldn't see past the obsessive need to be touched, to be used. He finished the dishes, ducking off to the bathroom to make sure he looked ok. His pale hair curled into small waves in front of his face, it felt unnatural to not find any dried blood in it. His wide eyes and flushed face were still tainted with injuries, but there was nothing he could do about it besides wait for them to heal. Besides, the people who used him usually liked him bruised up anyways, they usually kissed his injuries with patronizing softness or pressed on his bruises to watch him squirm. He fixed his shirt, then realized all at once that he was too sober for this, that he couldn't be used this aware. Couldn't be good. He began to frantically search through the cabinets for anything that might make him feel better, pills or even mouthwash. His eyes fell onto a pill bottle on the top shelf of the mirror, his hands fumbled over it quickly. Tiny, colorful pills spilled into his hands, it was recognizably molly. He didn't know why Tyson had it, but it was August's favorite to give Elias, and so he knew it well. He threw two pills back, chasing them with water from the sink, and then returned the bottle back to its spot. After he started to feel it just a little, he looked back into the mirror and fixed himself up a little more, forcing a smile at his reflection, just to see how it looked. Something was off, he didn't look right, he was worried that if he looked anything less than what he was used to, he would fall apart. The ground dropped from under him just a little when he realized what it was: his bare neck. He needed his collar, people were coming, he had to have it. Fucking stupid, he thought, spent months wishing you could take that thing off and now you suddenly want it again? Stupid fucking idiot.

In one of the drawers he found a silver chain, he inspected the little pendant dangling on the end, at the way the blue jewel in the middle caught the light when he turned it. He almost wanted to put it back, it was too nice for him, but he decided that it was better than nothing. He slipped it over his head, it was loose, but it would work fine. He looked so much better already.

"Elias, you ok in there?" Tyson was asking from the hallway. His voice was tight with anxiety and Elias instantly reached for the door handle and stepped out.

"I'm ok," he smiled at him, his grin lopsided so that his chipped tooth was showing just a little. "I was just getting ready."

Tyson tilted his head at him, smiling softly. "You look nice. How do you feel?"

Elias offered a lighthearted shrug, shuffling forward and standing up on his toes to kiss Tyson's nose softly. "M'ok. I cleaned the kitchen."

"I saw!" He took Elias's hand in his own and pulled him closer. "Thank you, for that. Very helpful."

Elias beamed at the praise, and Tyson was reminded again of Allen, how he lit up like a damn Christmas tree when someone said anything close to a compliment or approval, and it was quickly becoming evident that Elias was going to be the same. It was disgustingly cute how reactive they both were, how their lips twitched into a sick smile, their eyes fluttered helplessly. So beautiful, so tragic. He got this way through horrible mistreatment and brainwashing violence, but he looked so genuinely ecstatic that Tyson wasn't sure if he ever wanted to stop.

"Uh...they're waiting outside. We can let them in when you feel ready."

Elias took a breath, forcing himself to nod. He reminded himself to keep his composure, allow himself to be movable and soft and pretty. He was trembling all over, in excitement or fear he wasn't sure. Tyson rubbed his shoulder gently, still giving him a moment. When Elias finally seemed to come to terms with being around other people, he looked nervous all over again, but this time with a hint of eagerness behind his eyes. Tyson wondered how often he was allowed to see other people when he was with August. He said that August had kept him hidden away, but what exactly did that entail? When Allen was with him, he came back not used to light or sound because August had been keeping him depraved of those luxuries. Elias didn't seem like that though, he just seemed...skittish, too vigilant and too self hating to be around others. He spoke and carried himself like he knew he was less than them, and it bothered him just to be near them. And yet, at the same time, he looked exhilarated at the idea of putting himself into that position at any second. Finally, he looked up at Tyson with a wavering smile and nodded at him to tell him he was ready.

Allen looked way too good, Elias was completely baffled at how healed he seemed, like nothing had ever been wrong with him. How had he been with August and healed, how was he not broken forever? Elias didn't think he would ever be able to get there himself, all of this damage was irreversible, he couldn't imagine himself with a flushed, healthy face and a carefree grin. Or an ability to walk into a room with seemingly no issues or qualms, just existing. How could he do that?

He was also the first person to talk to Elias, which made him a little breathless at how unexpected it was. He stayed far enough away when he waved at him, politely saying "hey, Elias, how are you doing?"

Elias flinched, looking to Tyson for permission to speak, but he was given only a glance, and he was left confused and too scared to answer. Instead he just nodded his head once as a response. He looked down to see his knees were visibly wobbling, he didn't realize he was also squeezing his hands into tight fists at his sides. He couldn't force himself to relax, even though he wanted to, the molly in his system felt like metal in his veins, forcing him rigid and stiff.

Tyson quickly realized that Elias was more overwhelmed than he had hoped for, that all of his promises that he would be ok and he was sure they could come were quickly falling apart. He was standing so straight, like he'd collapse in on himself if he let his muscles relax at all. His legs were shaking with the effort of standing, Tyson wanted to scoop him up and hold him close to his chest, take away the strain of being upright, relieve him in any way he could.

"How are you settling in, pal?" Leo asked him, watching his head drop down instantly as he was addressed. He inched toward Tyson just a little, glancing up at him yet again. This time, Tyson caught his eye and realized what the look was about.

"It's ok," he whispered, rubbing his shoulder gently to reassure him, "it's alright, Eli, you can talk to them."

Elias was thankful for the permission to speak, he wanted to interact with them so bad he was buzzing, he wanted to speak to them and be heard and acknowledged. It had been so long since he'd been around people who understood him, who he could have conversation with. He worried for a split second that he might've forgotten how. "It's different. France is very different."

Leo chuckled at that, nodding his head. "Yeah, I would imagine. It's beautiful though, I hear."

Elias nodded enthusiastically. "Yes, the beach is my favorite."

Tyson was smiling at him, at how eager he was to speak, how even though he had been through hell there, he still found something beautiful in it. Elias had been trapped with August and made to do awful things that Tyson wasn't even sure the extent of yet, and still he had picked out a favorite place.

"Well I hope you didn't get too used to the food there, cause you'll have to deal with my cooking tonight." He smiled teasingly, and once Elias heard Tyson laughing, he realized it was a joke. Someone was joking with him, like an actual person. He smiled brightly at him, shaking his head.

He didn't have a response though, smiling at him seemed to be enough. Leo followed Tyson into the kitchen, leaving Allen and Elias to be alone in the living room. Allen had sat down on the couch, and Elias occasionally looked up from his spot in the center of the room, wondering if he was supposed to follow Ty. It seemed too late now, and besides, he knew in the back of his mind that he belonged here, to be observed as a centerpiece, touched if anyone felt the need for it. He wondered if, he hoped that, Allen felt the need for it. Or anyone at all, really.

"Wanna come sit with me, Elias?" Allen checked suddenly, watching as Elias straightened up to look at him, eyes wide. He quickly nodded before stumbling over to the couch, hesitating a moment before sinking down to the floor on his knees. Allen looked rather bewildered at the motion, his face flushed and mouth parted in surprise. The movement was familiar to Allen (August was consistent, he'd give him that), but it was shocking to see it from this perspective, made him want to push Elias out of the way and take his place. It took him a good thirty seconds to gather his thoughts, and when he did he felt sick to his stomach as he looked into Elias's fearful puppy dog eyes. "Oh...you don't have to..." He started to choke out.

Tyson froze when he came into the living room to see Elias like that, down on his knees with his head bowed pathetically, right in front of a flustered, uneasy looking Allen. They'd only been gone for five minutes, what had caused this? He may have grabbed Elias's shoulders a little too hard when he hoisted him back upright, causing a confused mewl to escape his throat.

"Don't sit down there like that, Eli," he scolded, "you sit on the couch, like everyone else."

"B...but I..." Elias shook his head in weak protest before shutting himself up, cringing at the stern look on Tyson's face. He was frustrated, if they wanted him on the couch why didn't they say so? Why did they want to confuse him so much? Was it to make him fail, make him easier to punish?

Tyson nodded at him once, turning and making his way reluctantly back to the kitchen. Elias huffed to himself, his shoulders drooping sadly.

"Hey," Allen said softly, grabbing his thigh gently, "it's ok. I remember when I got back I didn't use furniture for weeks. Tyson knows better now, he won't let you do that."

Elias looked at the hand on his leg. Thank God, he thought. He smiled softly at Allen, nodding along to his voice. So that was it, then, Tyson wanted him on the couch. He could look pretty on the couch, August sometimes enjoyed that.

"I know Tyson can get a little...upset, sometimes, but he means well. He just gets discouraged when he can't help."

Elias nodded eagerly again, eyes still on Allen's hand on him. Was his hand tight, or was he just imagining it? It was warm, it fit comfortably around him, and Elias found himself leaning against his arm in response to it. "Thank you," he whispered, "you've always been so kind to me."

"Well of course. What you're going through it's...well, kindness is definitely something you could use right now." Allen was smiling at him, in a way that no one had smiled at him in a long time. It was pure and friendly, not malicious or dangerous or full of lust. It was foreign, it made his chest feel hollow and sad. He didn't deserve to be looked at with such fondness. He would have ran and hid, if the smile didn't also make him feel so nice and warm all over. That made him even more upset, he didn't want to like it, not when he wasn't supposed to be receiving it in the first place. That was like enjoying a gift that had someone else's name on it, and he felt guilty for it.

Allen must've noticed his anxiety, and he pulled his hand away slowly, fingers slipping off his leg one at a time. Elias looked away from him entirely. He wanted to be back on the floor, he wanted his collar, he wanted to be hurt or touched, he wanted to be higher than he was. Most of all, he wanted to know what the hell everyone around here was expecting of him. August had rules, and even outside of those rules, Elias had gotten pretty good at reading his body language so he could guess what August wanted from him. Here was so different, he didn't know what was and wasn't allowed, he didn't know what Allen wanted from him when he grabbed his leg, or what Tyson wanted when he randomly left the room without a word to him. It was all so jumbled, made Elias feel so lost. The molly made it easier for Elias to speak, to listen, but he was still miserable and confused.

"What's wrong, Elias?" Allen asked in a hushed voice, like their conversation was ultra secret, like Leo and Tyson weren't allowed to know that it was taking place.

"It's just hard." He whispered back, folding his hands neatly in his lap. "I don't know what anyone wants anymore. When I try to guess I just look fu-fucking stupid. It's confusing."

"Have you tried asking?"

Elias gawked up at him, like the idea was bizarre. "Asking...?"

"Yeah. If you're not sure, just ask." He said this like it was simple, it couldn't go wrong. "Try it, ask me what I want."

Elias blinked at him, clearly bewildered. "Uh...wh-what do you...want?"

Allen smiled at him, nodding approvingly. "Right now, I want to sit on the couch and talk to you, and I also want dinner, but I'm waiting for it to be finished."

"O...oh." Elias breathed, looking back down at his hands. He guessed that was easy enough, the world didn't crumble around him. He couldn't hide his amazement, he couldn't believe Allen could easily say he wanted things, he must've not been taught that it was against the rules. Or maybe it was just something he outgrew, once he was away from August. Elias didn't think he'd ever outgrow it.

"What about you? What do you want?"

The confused, almost mangled, whimper Elias let out was telling enough, Allen wasn't supposed to ask him that. He was only just now realizing that it was ok to ask others that question, he obviously wasn't ready to answer it.

"Oh I don't... I c-cant..." He stammered, shaking his head vigorously. This was a test, one he could pass. He knew better than to say he wanted anything, he'd been proving that since he came back. He remembered when he accidentally begged Tyson to touch him, using the word 'need'. He must've told Allen, and now Allen was trying to get him to slip up again. He wouldn't, he would be good. He could be a mindless pet with no wants or needs.

"It's ok," Allen reassured him, his hand was on his thigh again, this time a little higher, "you don't have to answer. I get it."

Elias was breathless, he couldn't tell if it was from the question or Allen touching him, but he couldn't seem to breathe deep enough. He couldn't have wants, but still, the warm palm on his leg was enough to make him tremble. If he were allowed to want, he would want someone to lay him down and touch him everywhere, make him feel good because he hadn't felt good in so long, stroke his hair, call him 'good pet', call him 'bunny', tell him he was beautiful and perfect. If he were allowed to want, he would want that so bad it would make him cry.

"Shit, Elias, I'm really sorry, I didn't mean to upset you," Allen was rushing. Elias's cheeks were wet with his tears, his face was blank and sheet white. Tyson must've heard the commotion, and it wasn't long before he was in front of him, kneeling down to be at his level.

"Hey, Eli, what's going on, love?" He asked him gently, his hands on his shoulders. They weren't grabbing him as tightly now as when he put him on the couch. "Why are you crying?"

Elias wiped his face, shaking his head quickly. "I'm s-sorry!" He whined. "I don't know I j...just..."

Tyson shook his head dismissively, pulling Elias against his chest and rubbing his back. "It's ok. Everything's ok." Tyson held him close as his shoulders shook, allowing him to tire himself out a little. Once he seemed calm, Tyson pulled away from him, stroking his cheek gently as he did. At some point Allen had gotten up and left them alone in the room together, and Elias couldn't help but feel a little relaxed that he wasn't around to watch him fuck up any more. "You alright?"

Elias nodded, sniffling miserably. "I'm sorry."

"No worries, love. Go ahead and get cleaned up, dinner's done."

Elias obeyed instantly, standing up and heading to the bathroom wordlessly. He looked so rough around the edges, washed out from crying and in desperate need of an actual good nights sleep. He debated skipping dinner and going to lie down instead, but then he remembered how much he ached to talk to everyone, be around them, so he changed his mind. He never again wanted to be alone in a separate room when there were people around, it wasn't ever an enjoyable experience. Once he was decidedly more put together, he joined everyone back in the kitchen, setting himself in a chair between Tyson and Leo, mouth glued shut and eyes focused on the plate of food in front of him.

[tourettictrans]

tourettes Kaminari Denki fanfic(???) because i’m struggling rn and want to project onto a character (TW FOR: mentions of bullying and people not understanding)

Denki has had tics since he was around 5-6, and was diagnosed at age 8.

At first his parents didnt believe him and told him to knock it off, since he had always been one to be a class clown.

Don’t get me wrong, he was top of his class, until he was 9, ill get into that later.

After his parents realized he wasn’t faking his tics, they brought him to a neurologist and he was diagnosed.

For a year everything was fine, people were kind and understanding until he went to third grade (thats age nine right??) in a new school.

His teacher was a woman, older in age, and didn’t believe anything denki said.

When he had a vocal tic for the first time in her class, she freaked out, she sent him to the hallway and made him sit there for the rest of the class

he sobbed, he tried to explain that he had tourettes every time she walked into the hall to make sure he was still sitting there

she never believed him.

she sent him out into the hallway every day, making him miss most classes, causing him to somehow fail third grade. When his parents asked the teacher why he was failing, she said he was inappropriate and a class clown, constantly looking for attention and distracting a class.

and since he was a class clown before his diagnosis, his parents believed the teacher. He, luckily, was able to move up with his class because his teacher didnt want to deal with him. But she had warned the whole school system about how he was.

Of course they would believe the teacher and not the 10 year old. So the teachers would send him to the principals or the hallway and his parents would punish i him once they learned he was “acting out”, not understanding it was the tourettes.

At home they knew it was the tics, but since the school thought it was him acting out, that’s what they believed was happening along with the tics.

“Just because you have tics doesn’t mean you can act out!”

his grades dropped. he decided he would never go anywhere were he had to be quiet or be in line, so he would instead be a hero.

if he was a hero then people wouldn’t laugh at him when he tics, they’ll understand and they’ll praise him for doing things

when he got into UA, he thought his luck had finally changed he had a chance to become a hero.

Unfortunately, Mr. Aizawa must have gotten warned from his old school because he immediately sent Denki to Nezu’s office after he said “suck it bro” in the first class.

Kaminari dreaded the walk. He was used to it by now, but this was his one chance to be a hero, and he would hate himself forever if his tourettes ruined it.

Finally he reached the door and opened it. Nezu’s voice rang out in his ears. “Kaminari Denki, why are you here?”

It was a phrase he was used to hearing sarcastically from adults, but this felt real.

“I disrupted the class.” It came out of his mouth like autopilot. He said it every time. Denki knew how this would go. He’d get dentention and then it would happen again and again until he was kicked out of UA.

The mear thought of losing his career as a hero caused him to start to tear up, he tried to hide it, but not well enough.

“I see, well, I feel as thought there is something you’re not telling me. Like why you disrupted the class.” Nezu said

Denki broke down, he was tired. He was tired of parents staring at him at parent nights at school. He was tired of the whispers in class and the hallway. He was tired of the insults thrown at him by adults and children alike. He was just tired of having tourettes.

“I dont mean to.” He said, his vision blurred from tears streaming down his face. “I was diagnosed with tourettes at age 8, I have severe vocal tics and minor motor tics. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I’m like this.”

“Hm,” Nezu said. “I see it in your file from your doctor, but not from your school. We usually pay attention to the file from the school since they have to list the medical side too. Why does your school not have your tourettes on record?”

Denki’s breathing slowed. Why didnt his school have it on record? “I dont know. I don think they fully believed the doctor’s note was real.”

Now that Denki could see again, he saw that Nezu was typing away. “What are you doing?”

“I’m putting your diagnosis in your school file. I would hate if you got sent to my office for things you cant control. Now, you said you only have minor motor tics, do any of these affect you in battle?” Nezu asked.

“N-No.” Denki was shocked at Nezu’s response. No adult, not even his parents, had been so calm about this. “The tics go away when I concentrate, especially in battle. Only the occasional vocal tic in battle but other wise no tics.”

Nezu nodded. After Denki explained some more about his tourettes to Nezu, who apparently knew a lot about tourettes, he was sent to lunch. As he walked out the door, Nezu spoke>

“Talk to your classmates. They will be your future friends of this school and hero’s of our world, teach them how to accept.”

“I will.” Denki said, walking to lunch.

At lunch Mina, Kirishima, and Sero all ran up to him, immediately bombing him with questions and praise of his guts to say that.

“Dude, I don’t know how you even had the guts to say that.”

“Why were you gone so long is everything okay?”

“Dude Aizawa seemed so mad!”

Denki’s hand started to twitch and he could feel the tingle of a tic as he sat down at the lunch table with everyone else.

“I...” Denki started. All eyes fell on him at the table. Even Bakugo gave him a side glance, curious but didn’t want to seem curious. Denki let out a chuckle.

“I have tourette syndrome. I have mainly vocal tics, including echolilia and coprolilia. Echolilia is where you repeat words and phrases, and coprolilia is where you say obscene and inappropriate things, such as mean phrases, swears, or slurs. I have that along with random phrases and my motor tics are small. Usually blinking like really hard and cracking my neck.”

The class was silent. For a second Denki thought he had messed up. They weren’t going to be his friend anymore. He knew it. He could kiss goodbye to Nezu’s idea of “acceptance”. Then Bakugo spoke up. As Denki saw his mouth move, he was afraid. Bakugo was going to be like all his bullies. Calling him slurs and making fun of him. Then beat him up after school.

“Does it affect your fighting?” Bakugo said, angerily.

“What?”

“Does it affect your fighting?” Bakugo said again, slower and somehow angrier.

“N-No.” Denki sputtered out.

“Then it doesn’t matter. I dont care what you say or do if your a hero as long as you can fight and be a hero!” Bakugo said, shifting in his seat.

“Kacchan that was so sweet!” Midoryia said, writing in his notebook.

“Shut up you stupid Deku!”

The rest of the class joined in on the exchange of words between Midoryia and Bakugo. Iida was saying how this was extremely inappropriate to fight over lunch. The rest of the class laughed.

Jiro, the punk purple haired girl, elbowed him in the side.

“Hey,” She said. “You’re pretty brave for sharing that. And I, and I’m sure Midoryia, would like to learn more about tourettes. So feel free to teach us.”

He nodded, and Jiro looked back onto the verbal fight against the two students which had now drawn the attention of the lunch room.

Maybe, just maybe, this wasn’t going to be so bad.

[naughty-noodles]

The omega and Alpha thing with Toby was fucking awesome- Could you do a part two when you have time? Like Toby kidnaps the omega and kinda forces themcto like him. You're writings really good ☺️

Y/n awoke groggily, head pounding like a motherfuck. The light from a nearby window shone directly on their face, making them move to pull the blanket up. Confusion knit their eyebrows tightly as they realized their arms were restrained beside them.

Y/n's head shot up to see the leather cuffs that kept them from moving too far. Their feet were free to their relief but that emotion quickly faded when the events from the night before came flooding back.

"HELLLLP!!! SOMEBODY HELP ME!!!!" They cried, thrashing their feet and pulling against the restraints. Y/n fell back onto the bed with a thud, realizing their efforts were fruitless. They were alone and likely well hidden.

After Y/n caught their breath, they began looking around. The walls were made of logs so it was probably a cabin located in who the fuck knows where. The light coming in from the window was bright and direct. Depending on their direction, it was either early morning or late evening.

The bed smelled like mothballs as if it hadn't been used since its last wash... whenever that was, and the only other furniture in the room was a small dresser and a nightstand.

Y/n laid there, listening to a ticking clock in the hallway until the exhaustion set back in and pulled them back into unconsciousness.

A door slamming shut caused y/n to jolt back from their sleep moments later. Scraping footsteps and a groan made their heart pound fast.

"Can't do anyth-thing right, can they?"

That voice struck fear into y/n's chest as they struggled against the restraints more.

"Oh, hey. You're up."

The masked man had peered his head in. Y/n laid there too fearful to say anything. The killer removed his goggles and pulled his hood off but kept his face guard on. With a huff, he knelt by the bedside.

"Look... I know you're a-afraid... but I'm not going to hurt you. What yo-you saw was strictly business." His eyes crinkled, showing a weak smile.

"Why..." y/n coughed, their voice strained from the yelling from earlier. "Why do you stutter like that..?"

A maniacal laugh erupted from the killer.

"Of all the things y-you could say to- to me first, you ask about my f-fucking t-tourettes?!" He fell to the floor, seemingly amused by the question. After his laughter subsided, he stared with a bemused look at the omega in front of him. "You're a weird one"

He got up and shut the door before pulling out a pocket knife. Y/n's eyes widened at the sight, breath hitching in fear.

"Relax, omega. I said I'm not going to hurt you." Toby reached for the restraints and began sawing at their bindings.

"The name's T-Toby. I had to restrain y-you while I was g-gone so don't take it personally. Also..." he turned and gave them a look. "Don't try to run when these are off. I'm stronger, faster, and f-from the turnout of l-last night... smarter. If y-you are to live, then you a-are to live here."

Y/n nodded quickly.

"I'm serious, d-despite these f-f-fucking tics" he struggled to get out. "Don't be stupid."

When the bounds were removed, Toby helped the omega sit up, warning them to move slow to avoid getting too dizzy. He seemed more gentle now, not wanting to terrify them.

Y/n rubbed their sore wrists with a wince.

"I'll get you some water. S-Stay here. You won't be f-fit to walk yet."

He left the room, leaving the door cracked. If y/n had said the thought of bolting hadn't crossed their mind, they'd be lying. With how weak they felt and how sure they were of being killed if they tried, it was best that they listened.

Toby had returned shortly with a glass of water. He had even put ice in it, which y/n was grateful for.

"Drink slow."

The cold water had soothed their dry and sore throat. Despite trying to hide it, a relieved hum left their lips. Toby chuckled and took the glass when they finished. He didnt want to risk them shattering it for a weapon, as little as the risk seemed.

Smart little omega, he thought to himself.

A moment passed before y/n dared to speak. "If you're so certain you could kill me if I escaped... then why dont you take your mask off? I mean, if I'm to stay here or risk my life... then can't I at least see my captors face?"

"Captor?" Toby snorted in amusement. "Well if we are b-being tech-technical then I guess that's true."

After a moment of thought, he reached behind his head and began untying it. "Just... prepare y-yourself. It's pretty gnarly."

The mask fell off with ease, revealing a large gash in his cheek. Y/n could see his teeth and gums with how wide it was. They scooted a bit further away with a grimace on their face.

"Told ya."

"How...how did that happen? I've never seen anything like that..."

"Along with tourettes, I also hav-have this thing called CIP. I can't feel pain. It doesnt h-hurt but as a kid, when I got n-n-nervous, I'd chew on my cheek. Only the p-pain wasnt there to stop me."

He removed the gloves on his hands and held them up. Each had was riddled with scars and teeth marks.

"Also developed a n-nasty habit of chew-chewing on my hands.."

Y/n frowned and shakily raised a hand to trace the scars while Toby sat with a blank look on his face.

"You think I'm s-some sort of mo-monster, don't you?"

The omega's eyes shot up to meet his brown ones with shock. "No...no... it actually makes you seem more human, really..." y/n gave a weak smile "I mean, killing everyone else in that bar and threatening to kill me then keeping me captive is scary but honestly, seeing your flaws kinda... puts me at ease."

Toby raised an eyebrow. "You... are taking this surprisingly well, omega."

They shrugged. "Trying to make the most of my current situation seeing as if I leave, I die. No offense but i still dont like you."

Toby frowned. "Understandable, I guess." After a moment he stood up. "You should get some more sleep. That pill had en-enough dosage to take down a m-man twice your size."

A week had passed and y/n was beginning to lose all hope of a normal life. Toby was rarely at the cabin and the isolation was beginning to make the omega crack. It got to the point where the omega was excited for the mornings he'd return from what he called his "job".

They rarely went outside, despite being allowed the privilege of staying within 20 feet of the cabin. Toby had trusted that y/n would stay but only for one reason. He had showed them a picture of what resided in these woods if y/n had ventured too far. A creature he called the rake.

The mere sight of it was enough to keep y/n indoors. If they did go outside, it was only to the cabin porch with the door open to allow easy access back inside. Some nights, the omega could swear they heard the creatures cry of agony at not being permitted near the cabin.

Toby had told them that the only thing keeping that creature back was due to the nature of his job and the man he worked for. It made the omega shudder, thinking that someone was that powerful enough to control the beast.

Toby had another residence where he stayed at more often to keep up appearances. When asked if they could go with one day, he gave a firm no. He had told them the place was full of other alphas, and some were so messed up and bloodthirsty that the thought of an omega in their midst would drive them more wild.

The more respected of the bunch each had their own cabin where they were permitted some privacy. No one was allowed over unless invited. The lack of trust was obvious but the mutual gain was enough to keep them from tearing at each other.

So y/n remained where they were, cleaning, cooking, pacing, and finding whatever ways to amuse themselves while the time passed.

Toby had attempted to win them over with gifts, their favorite foods, and a basic level of trust. Slowly but surely, he was winning.

Everything slowly became second nature... until y/n's omega nature kicked in and they began nesting. Every blanket and pillow in the cabin was taken. The closet was emptied and replaced with every comfy piece of cloth the omega could find. Not a thing was out of place, just how the omega liked it.

But once they snuggled down to rest, they became irritated. Something was missing. Something vital. And the omega in them would not rest until they found out what.

Y/n searched the entire house, sniffing every couch cushion and curtain but nothing was right. They began pacing and biting at their nails. By the time the door opened, the omega was nearly pulling out their own hair.

Toby stopped at the door and raised an eyebrow in curiosity.

"Um... what are you doing?"

"Its missing something." The omega grumbled right before their nose caught onto his scent. The whipped around to face him.

"Um??"

"Jacket. Now." The omega glared.

"Excuse me? T-The fuck?"

"Jacket." The omega walked forward and grabbed at it. "I need it."

Confused but slowly becoming more amused, the alpha complied. "Have at it, I g-guess?"

Y/n snatched it and ran toward the bedroom to their closet. Toby attempted to follow but only got so far as the bedroom door before the omega growled. It was then when it got through Toby's thick skull. They were nesting. He's only seen it happen twice. Once when his sister was beginning to present and again when Jeff's brother Liu chose a place to nest at the mansion.

He decided it was best to leave them alone.

The omega began placing the jacket in its correct spot before plopping down, purring happily. An hour or two passed before they began to get antsy again. Something more was missing and the omega begrudgingly knew what. With a small growl, they went back to the living room where Toby lay on the couch, eyes closed in rest.

His eyes opened when he sensed the omega's presence. Pouting, y/n grabbed his hand and began pulling.

"Can I help you?" He chucked, getting up.

"Come." The omega dragged him toward the closet and pointed to their nest. "You go here."

Confused, Toby obliged.

"Okay, 'mega. Now what?"

"Now we sleep." Y/n plopped beside him, now content again. Toby remained at a loss for what to do. The omega stared at him expectantly.

"Well...?"

Racking his brain and wondering that the fuck it was the omega could be wanting, he lay there confused. Until it hit him. Omega's often seek approval of their nests. Without another Omega here to approve, he had to fill that role.

"Its comfy. I like it."

With a happy hum, the omega snuggled up beside him and drifted off while Toby lay there dumbfounded at what he got himself into.

Until he realized. After nesting, comes heat.

.....fuck.

[thoughtsfromthevoid]

Things my parents have said and done that terrify me (I have anxiety and depression, ADHD and currently have tics ((Or a Tourettes diagnosis they don't believe in)) from being so anxious all the time)-

-That if I keep coming home late (normally like 5-10ish minutes because traffic) I won't be allowed to go out at all. (I'm not even the one driving, and my friend(s) aren't doing anything to keep me out past that time.)

-"You're only the 357 thousandth teenager to pull the 'I'm down' all the time, its not going to change anything. Drama is drama." (Said because I've been severely depressed lately and not reacting to things like normal.)

-"There was a miscommunication between us (mom and dad) on what you're allowed to do at night." (Had to have me stop for a bit until I got on tic meds, it was very bad. Doctor told us to. I had been doing after school things and been on the meds for 2 weeks at that point)

- "Don't manipulate me into saying yes to things." (Accidentally said friends and I were going through the drive through at wrong restaurant which they wouldn't have said yes to)

-"Don't wake me up if the house is on fire." (Said not to me, but to other parent, out of frustration of being startled awake because they don't sleep well)

-Some more things I won't say on the internet

-Disagreed with my tourettes diagnosis so strongly because they didn't see the tics I referred to happening in the past and since they notice everything, it makes this invalid.

-Also said I don't have tics like others with tourettes and that they don't say random things and is more repeated and that I don't do that when I definitely do, said a wrong definition as well, even after research

-This morning I wasn't apparently allowed to talk when coming into the living room bc it didn't need to be said to them while cooking, not allowed to go in the kitchen at ALL during this time either

-Said every child who doesn't have to do the same amount of chores as me was a spoiled brat or had a ton of siblings when I was struggling with chores and schoolwork for a bit

-Constantly talks negatively about me behind my back to other parent thinking I can't hear when 90% of the time, I can, instead of having a conversation with me about it, its always me being in trouble. Also never sees my improvements and only the failures, it doesn't matter if im working to fix something until it's fixed

-Their autism being used as an excuse constantly as 'it just is this way' and whatever they saying always having to be the truth, even when it isn't. Its not the autism thats the problem, its the constant excuses because of it and toxic mindset and unwillingness to listen. They aren't the only neurodivergant one, I have ADHD. I struggle too. This doesn't seem to matter

-Getting upset when I talk too much and wanting me to be quiet, not wanting to know any of the details when im excited, even when its harmless, the overall frustration of it and wanting me to stop talking so often

-This is normally in effect especially when they are watching stupid (and passable) mindless tv, that I'm constantly triggered by. I constantly have to close my room door to not hear it while doing things like homework, is still always too loud, this is every day after school in the living room, or every weekend. I cant be in that room anymore basically because of it. They get frustrated when asked to pause it quite often, or when I ask for space when doing chores out there, because I hate them looming over me all the time, the TV also makes an unbearable noise for me recently as it is going to die soon of overuse, every time it is on, which stops me from watching basically anything out there or being in the room too long

-Not feeling comfortable enough to practice when parents are home because of looming, coming in while practicing when its not necessary, getting mad when i play things wrong and yelling across the house about it

-my room is my only space, one parent claims entire basement and sometimes I'm not allowed down there at all, even sometimes when I had to sleep down there to feel safe (unrelated issue but still) other parent has living room

-"I dont understand the want/need to go over there." Me asking to go to a friends house after school, everything needed to be done was done, after a really hard day and me feeling trapped in the house. Apparently I need a reason to go and hang out with friends. I do not feel safe going for walks or anything for other known reasons.

-Getting frustrated with my chair placement every concert in orchestra, never proud of me for anything like that either. (Or at least expressed to me) Makes me feel worse and worthless, to the point where I am considering quitting even though I love the instrument, the anxiety and depression now caused by these issues and pressures being put on me over the years is becoming unbearable. Pressure and anxiety lead to me quitting and hating piano after 8 years as well.

I'm really sick of being in trouble for things I can't control, or something I didn't do intentionally. If it was on purpose? Yeah, I get it. If it was something bad? Sure. I never do anything I think is bad, or know I'll get in trouble for. I don't want to be in trouble. I hate it. It makes me feel very afraid. I wish they would trust me more. I know my mental health is bad, but I'm not actively trying to do things wrong, and I do actively try to fix my mistakes. I wish they would really listen when I tell them these things, even be a little more lenient. I wish I was good enough, I really do try. I love my parents so much, they can be so very much amazing, but they can be toxic to me too. Even if the intent isn't there, it still is harmful. It makes me feel mentally unsafe in this household. I don't know whats going to be taken away at any moment. At least I feel that way. I want to move out. I really do.

[lupusexspiravite]

My Health Journey and what Helped.

Hello, My Name is Wolf aka Lupus Ex Spiravite and i have a Story to share.

 8 Years ago, Just before I graduated college, Had a Fiancee/ Submissive, Was a Pro CoD Gamer and everything in the world felt Right. Then one day after a rather long and stresfull day, i woke up with a severe Headache that went on for 2 and a half weeks (Not days, weeks.) I thought i just had overworked myself, Come to find out 8 years later that it was the started point of when my health Deteriated and my safe and comfy world disappeared. It wasnt a meer headache this turned out to be my first of 3 total mini-strokes. I went in and they ER confirmed that during the last 2 weeks of my associates degree i had had a mini-stroke and was lucky that i was even alive. They ran tests and eventualy all they could do was tell me to get bed rest and do as much of nothing as i could.

So i did, and barely managed to graduate with a 3.45 gpa In Computer Drafting and Design. I was happy and i thought it was over so i went into going for my bachelors of Game Design. 2 months into the degree my body started to really move on its own, I had always had small jerking movements in random places of my body but this was different, It first started heavily in my hands making it extremely hard to do almost anything. So i went ot the doctors they gave me some muscle relaxers and sent me on my way. i was good for about 7-8 months before the movements went up from my arms into my chest and made it extremely hard to breath. The doctors didnt think anything of it and just gave me more pain releavers and sent me on my way untill i went to a hospital i personally trusted and they tested me and found i had Late onset Severe Tourettes Syndrome. Meaning that i had had tourettes my whole life but only recently did it begin to truly act up.

 I was given meddations and the twitches as i call them died down a lot. I was able to get back to my schooling and try to get good grades. so i did. Thought nothing of it until one morning i woke up with excruiciating pain in my chest. the type of pain and discomfort you never want to feal. toke me 3 hours before i told my fiancee to drive to the er. When we got there i ended up passing out 4 timee before i was brought ot the back and given again muscle relaxers which calmed it down. That was thrst of almost 900 chest pain attacks i had during the next 13 months During whcih my tics Just came back with force.

It toke those doctors 13 months to figure out i had an extremely rare condition which causes the muscles in my chest wall to contract at over 100 contractions a second, literally mimicking a heart attack without having a heart attack.  During this time I was diagnosed with 6 other Health Conditions, which eventually lead to me dropping out of getting my bachelors degree. So i toke a break friom school Opened my own computer repair company and went on my way to well living. Then i had a head ache this time not as bad but enough to cause me to black out for a total of 3 hours. when i woke up i was in the hospital, i was toke that the mini-stroke had left a scar of sorts which was gonna cause me to have black out head aches for the rest of my life. During this time i was working on gettingm my license and as soon as the DMV heard my health history they black listed me from driving. I let it roll off thinking everything will be ok. another 8 months goes by and My fiancee/Sub left because she couldnt handle me having these health issues. My buisness Died, and i was forced to go live with my sperm donor for a while.

 Which allowed me to focus on getting my health straightened out but that lasted 6 motnhs before i was kicked out of my sperm donors house because i wasnt christian. For 5 and half months i Literally spent the days and nights on the streats with nothing but me and the wilderness to contend with sincle it was a backwoods town. I eventually got a call from a friend and went to live with her for a while. She eneded up becoming my Sub because we had been in talks about it before i originally left to go stay with my sperm donor. i was happy for 2 years. I eneded up finiding that Marijuana was a good way to calm all my health issues down and because i had a Sub again My Phyiscal and Mental Health was extremely good. Till i hit another road block.

A second Min-Stroke, Followed by severe food poisioning a month later and 4 monhs after that a emergency Gall Bladder Removal, which left me weak and vulnerable yet again, and what happens my Submissive again Tells me She cant deal with my health issues and im forced to again leave. This time coming to another state where my sister helped me get my health situated ( During this time i had my third mini-stroke) before i get told the worst news in the world, I had stge 2 colarectal Cancer which needed an imidiate Surgery Removal. I was Diagnosed on May 9th, 2019, when into surgery 2 months later. Spend 3 months recovering before a secondary surgery was done and recovered from that after another 4 months.  This left me with mutiple Scars on the inside and a non-alcholic Fatty Liver with barely working kidneys. As of June 8th 2020 i was told i had beaten my cancer. I was happy but it left me with extra health issues.

 Mentally during the whole time i was and still am struggled with depression, Anxiety, Over active Stress, PTSD and More whcih was not being taken care of because to the doctors it wasnt bad enough. During this 8 year period i put myself in a Mental Hospital twice to try to deal with everything going on. Didnt really help. Then I started Teaching BDSM after all i had spent 5 years prior to this. First Studying for the first year, then Learning and participating in the BDSM Lifestlye for the remaining 4 years after i hit 18. BDSM Became the only way i could truly ground myself. When i was doing a scene it was like my entire health issues, both physically and mentally just Disappeared and my Sole focus was on what was going on in the Scene.

 Over all these years, Since i hit 18 and then when i hit 22 and became a Certified BDSM Master, BDSM Became the one Rock that even in the Darkest days could bring me out of it. BDSM Allowed me a Healthy Way to Cope while teaching and Enjoying something I  Loved. This is the power of BDSM that No one talks about. That no one expects but it is there. It pulls you into a grounding vortex that doesnt let you go for as long as you need so you can Enjoy. Have Fun, Safely and healthily become Grounded. For me Its like Lighting that electifies and subdoes all my health issues. Once i learned when i was 18 that it did that I never once looked back. and to BDSM I say Sincerely Thank you and i hope that During the rest of my Hopefully long Life i can within the BDSM Lifestyle.

The reason i diecided to make this was because, There has been a lot of people who Dont understand that the BDSM Lifestyle is Something more to me than just a relationship. It is literally a way for me to Keep myself going through the Crappiest of days. The funny part of all this is I know I am not the Only one in whicht the BDSM Lifestyle helps in this way.

Thank you for Reading the ramblings of a an old Souls post.

[sanguinarius-archive]

Hey! Could I get to know some of your headcanons about dickfigures/your designs for them? :D

ya ya sure!!!!

i already have my designs for them up if you havent seen, here they are!

as for headcanons idk how long this post will be so ill just add a read more for anyone who might not wanna scroll thru it all lol

red!!!!!

his real name is rowan bc i thought it was cute, also it means “little red one” which is eVEN BETTER

he’s nonbinary masc and bisexual! the self projection is REAL

he has adhd

most of my headcanons kinda flow into my own version of dick figures because i’m not very Satisfied with canon NJSJDNSKM so like. for example red doesn’t just kill people or whatever. he gets into fights and has scars and wears bandaids a lot bc of them

he graduated college with blue, he got a bachelor’s degree in fine arts (honestly idk how college works bc im a grade 10 baby so if thats like totally wrong just let me know also im. canadian so idk how american school system works LOL)

red got suspended a lot in high school but never expelled. mostly bc he got in fights that were mainly him protecting stacey from shitty people (he sees her as his sister so he was rlly protective) and the school wasnt really sure what else to do so they just. you know. suspended him a bunch of times hoping itd do something but it didnt

he hates his dad! reason being is bc when he was born, his dad was actually an alien able to disguise himself as human, so he wanted to take red back to his home planet cuz red turned out to be more powerful than anything his dad had ever seen. but red’s mom was like Nope, so she snuck out with him and his plush cat (kitty amazing) and they were never found. red is very close with his mom and is scared of his dad coming back someday

we know he canonically likes rlly loud music so im just gonna project here and say he’s a metalhead. at least, some form of it. he likes the alt scene music and industrial rock. examples being deftones, nine inch nails, skinny puppy, rage against the machine, kittie and others. it keeps him focused and calm

bLUE!!!

we know blue was bullied as a kid but i dont wanna say red also bullied him bc i feel like thats just wrong to me? MAYBE ITS NOT ACTUALLY but it just makes me sad so like. lets say red, being as protective as he is, stood up for blue a lot cuz he was like “oh this kid cant fight” so he knew what to do

blue dated pink for awhile but they mutually agreed to break up after blue realized this wasnt what he wanted (he came to the conclusion that he was gay, well, he knew for awhile but it was Internalized Homophobia)

he grew up in a very conservative family so to see the world completely differently by meeting red, ems (lt), pink and stacey was a very good thing for him. unfortunately even tho his family did love him, it was conditional so they stopped talking to him after he came out. thankfully he’d already graduated high school by that point

despite being emotional blue isn’t very good at understanding how he’s an emotional person. he’s able to distinct one feeling from another and analyze them, but it’s just... hard for him to kind of. process WHY he feels a certain way? which is what’s led to a lot of his struggles in getting closer with ppl

he loooves reading and writing we already know this but i mean come on. he also got a bachelor’s degree in english/ela. so he’s able to become a teacher ig but he doesn’t really want to? at least not for awhile yet

blue was ems’ first friend. at first he couldn’t understand why they had tics but decided he shouldn’t get into someone else’s business. he didn’t find it weird, just cool!

he and red would always pair up for projects if they had classes together!!!!!! blue would do the writing/research and red would do the illustrations. they always turned out really good even if it ended with red cramming it at the last minute

surprisingly hates broseph more than red. well i mean its not surprising, because broseph was always a huge DICK to him

blue’s real name is wyatt!!!!! i forget the meaning but i felt the sound of it and the meaning fit him well

piiiiink!!!!!!!!!!

she’s still in college, getting her doctorate to be an astrophysicist!

pink is very very smart and will help anyone who’s struggling with something in school. she was basically the genius who always got in the honor roll every year. but, she actually was really anxious especially with exams

pink encourages stacey to go back to school, and sometimes stacey does, but she always ends up leaving again. it’s a little stressful but pink has hope for her

she’s never drank one sip of alcohol in her entire life. she smoked weed once, but it felt weird so she didn’t do it again

ever since she and blue broke up she’s been very supportive of him bc she herself is bisexual!!! so she sees nothing weird about it. in fact, about almost a year later she started dating stacey

pink’s real name is lily. when she became friends with blue she met red through him and she was like “can i join your nickname thing” and they said “sure” so they called her pink. stacey sometimes calls her pinky or just pink but mostly lily

pink helped red with academics. even tho he was sometimes insufferable to work with (/j thats a Joke i promise she’s a very patient person) she didn’t give up on him!!!! in return he helped her out with some fitness stuff cuz pink was always insecure about gym, and later when she graduated she actually got into exercising bc of red!

she loves travelling and going for walks. she owns a lot of houseplants and she’s given them all names and takes very good care of them! she also owns an albino ball python named Velvet

STACEYYY!!!!!!!

stacey is nOT actually all about sex this time ok. i don’t like that. i mean she did have some personality in canon but it wasn’t much? anyways she just really likes to express herself thru tight/”risque” clothing like fishnets and leather and pleated skirts and thigh-highs and platform boots, all of that. basically she’s a goth girl but doesn’t really “act” like one

she’s really intelligent when it comes to animals and insects and will tell you anything you need to know. when she goes back to college she gets a degree in environmental science

stacey can play the electric and bass guitars!!!! she was in a band back in high school but it never really went anywhere beyond performances at parties in someone’s garage. not that she didn’t like it, looking back on it makes her feel happy, but she wished it continued. probably why she has a hard time going back to college bc she’s not sure what she really wants

stacey is a trans woman btw!!!!! unfortunately it was a little difficult in high school to be who she was bc some kids were jerks, but there were a lot of others who supported her which is good

she views red as her brother as well and they still hang out a lot

i haven’t really had time to focus on stacey and make headcanons and stuff for her so i don’t have a lot but... let’s say, secretly, she’s a scifi nerd. and for the sake of debate, let’s say she’s a marvel fan. if you count being a fan of deadpool as being a fan of marvel

LOVES GIRLS.... loves pink!!!

has very similar music taste to red’s!!!!!

emssss!!!!!!! (lt)

instead of being a stereotype of ppl with tourette’s syndrome, it’s just a normal thing that isn’t focused on a whole lot. it doesn’t make ems swear but if they get really really frustrated they’ll curse while doing one of their tics

ems is agender, i’d say they’re also ageless but i don’t really want to make them too “nonhuman” because i feel like that’s dehumanizing to people with tourette’s. so let’s just say most laws of existence don’t apply to them

they’re very friendly!

they’re an aspiring musician, just like in canon

ems is also big into horror movies believe it or not. they’re pretty critical of them though like most horror movie fans, and only like specific ones (i’m not a horror movie fan myself so i can’t say what Specific Ones they like ajsdhbjn just imagine they have good taste okay)

they r very artsy too and like doing crafts cause it gives them something to focus on. it’s just a hobby though it’s not something they’re Professional at

they love nature and flowers and trees and all kinds of plants and animals!!! they like to document what they see when they travel thru nature and stuff so they bring a camera with them (and their phone, but, you know whatever)

ems was never really affected by things people said to them regarding their syndrome. to them it was something they were born with, so they couldn’t bother to feel bad about themselves. in certain situations theyre able to control it but 90% of the time they don’t care about what ppl think

aaaand there u go!!! as for minor characters like raccoon, jason/trollz0r, broseph, dingleberry, they all exist (raccoon isnt a racist stereotype tho), i just dont focus on them a whole lot. most of my hcs for stacey and ems here were thought up on the spot since i havent had time to lay out all my ideas for them but i hope what i have here is good !!!!

also, red and blue ARE dating, and pink and stacey ARE ALSO dating. gay rights

[atrixfromice]

What do you think of Pierre ?

Hey howdy folks! Hope you’re doing well!

First I was going to ask this question  to y’all each in person  hehe, but then I realized If do that I'll probably take days to do it, so I thought it was going to be more practical this way. So the question is very important for me in these moments:

 What do you think about my character Pierre the octopus? How do you feel about him? 

 Pierre a Frenchman Cliché?

 So yeah like the tittle says, I would like to know what do you think about my character Pierre. Because some days ago, an artist I admire and I look up said Pierre is not a very interesting or endearing character, because

"he's very neat with his personal hygiene, very corteous and he has no flaws" and thus people cannot feel related with him.”

 And that he is a cliche of a Frenchman like the ones you  see in most on western animation. That he's like an english speaking man who pretends to be French since he talks in french, cos a real life Frenchman in an enviroment where there are people who talk only in English would try to speak in English if he's arround  English speakers, instead of in French. Because he would think it would be rude to speak French knowing that others cannot understand it.

And that he speaks in "franglais" which iusually is used to refer to people who try to talk in both languages  at the same time but don’t speak a correct french nor a correct english.

 And all that made me feel a bit bad, because...that was precisely what I was trying to avoid since the beginning with Pierre!!!

 I SO didn't want him to be like a frenchman cliché. So I searched, I documented myself, to take care of making sure he would speak a real, genuine, everyday life french. And that in the course of the story people could see how he learns to talk a good english as well.

 Thus, that commentary that he speaks in "franglais" , it's not true.

In fact, Pierre talks a correct english. I made sure of that. And when he's arround English speaking people he tries to talk only english, because he, indeed, feels it would be rude to speak in french knowing people wouldn't to understand his phrases because they don't know french.

 And in fact, he talks in french only when he's really surprised or amazed, really excited, glad, scared, in short, when he's got strong emotions, because that one is his native language. And when emotions overwhelm him, it's something spontaneous, he instinctively feels the need to comunicate these emotions in French.

 Pierre the flawless?

 And in regards of him having no flaws, this suggested me that

"Pierre should have a few flaws or like a cronic disease that could make his life and to achieve his goals and dreams a bit harder, so people could feel  related to him and he can be more endearing."

 But that statement that "he has no flaws", that's not true  either. Pierre has his flaws too.

Pierre Jacques the Enteroctopus Dofleini, it's a bit like me I think...

A loving and caring, but lonely and tortured soul, forgotten by God...

 In the very beginning of the my story for my webcomic, he's like this:

·         He's solitary and socially awkward. Very shy in nature.

 ·         He lacks a lot of self-confidence on his own worth and his skills.

 ·         He's camera shy, got stage fright and is not very good with talking to people, especially the oposite sex.

 ·         He's very mistrustful and not very good to open up his feelings to people, and feary to know new people, because he fears being hurt by them.

 ·         He’s not very patient with kids. He doesn’t like them at all in fact *chuckles*

 ·         He's impatient when it comes to wait for things to happen or to be perseverant to achieve a goal.

 ·         He’s very hard to his own self due the high expectative he's got for himself.

 ·         He can't manage failure well, so he thinks a lot and overanalyzes a lot before doing something new. So much that sometimes he doesn't do stuff he really wants to because he fears he’s going to fail.

 Plus...

....he's a wannabe artist octopus!!!!!!

By God! Why would I be cruel and make his life any harder with a disease?! If his worst critic it's himself. And his life is already very hard because his dreams will lead him to try to fit and be noticed and stand out in a world and society who doesn't welcome him. A society who considers his species food and some of the lest intelligent, lowest of minds.

What more would people want to feel identified with him and consider him endearing?

 Of course, in the course of the story Pierre's dreams lead him to confront his flaws and his biggest fears, and he faces them up one by one, and grows up through experience, and learning.

 And he improves and matures.

 And his personality evolves.

 And some of his flaws disappear or are less present, and some of them remain. But he always continues to try to improve his flaws and be a bit of a better person every day.

 Pierre With Tourette Syndrome, a possibility that might bring more bad than good.

 That said. I still felt devasted when I received that comment.

Because, like I usually do with my characters, I took almost a lifetime and a lot of devotion and effort to build and develop a three dimensional character, with flaws and qualities,  fears, hopes and dreams. And the fact someone just comes and says that it's the contrary to what I took so much effort to build up, it's like a bullet right on the heart.

 So this is why, at some point I contemplated to follow this advice of the "disease" thing and giving him the Tourette syndrome so that person could like Pierre more, because I was worrying that he was right and Pierre wasn't endearning. Even I wrote up a script for an scene to describe how it might be.

 By the way for the ones who don't know much about it (and who don't feel like Googling about it right now *chuckles*) Tourette is not all about people talking like drunk sailors and say swear words without rhyme or reason. It's a disease where people have involuntary body movements called "tics", and also bocal sounds. Unppropiate words may happen too, but that only affects 10% of people suffering Tourette's.

 And in the case of Pierre, I didn't want to go with swear words cos I thought that wasn’t realistic and it was more like a cliché used by Hollywood for comic relief.  So I was going to give him the body movements, and that his tentacles could stick over things when he didn't wanted to and make him feel embarrassed and apologize.

 Although, after searching videos with People with the disease, reading science articles, and thinking a lot about it, at the end I decided to not do that, because as I said before, his life is already difficult.

Also cos I thought it could be difficult to work with a Pierre with Tourette for the more serious and emotional scenes. And also cos I was worried that the subjet itself could cause a lot of controversy and the opposite effect: that people would think of him like a joke or an offense for real people with Tourette and they could end up hating Pierre instead of loving him.

 Yeah, I worry a lot about a lot of stuff when it comes to the characters I've created! XD But it's because, as I've said before, they're like my children. I feel the need to protect them and care of them, and watch over them. And I dont' want people hating them.

 Anyways, after thinking about it, I felt this person in particular doesn't know my character Pierre in personality, just on appareance thanks to the illustrations I've made of him. Because if he did he wouldn't have said that I think.

Don’t worry I finished the musings for today hehe

I just wanna say, you folks who know my character  and are reading this, I would like to hear what you think about him. Regardless if you think pierre is an endearing character or not.

I will appreciate a lot to know how you see him! And see him a bit through your eyes. I think that might help me to get a "big picture" as english speaking people say, and to know how to improve and keep developing the character.

[nachosforfree]

Whis michael vey :0

oKKkkkk get ready for a rant cause this shit was my childhood. This book series was my harry potter and my percy jackson. This shit was the shit i stayed in my bedroom reading rather than try to befriend other children. But also i havent read it in a while so i might be a little rusty

Michael Vey is a seven part book series about a boy with electric powers (and he has Tourettes syndrome which he sometimes questions if is connected to the electricity). So a corporation did tests on some people and 11 babies were born with electric powers, one of which being Michael. When he was seven his dad died from a heart attack and he now lives with his single mother. He has a best friend named Ostin who i love very much he's super smart and he's chubby jsut like me. When I say super smart I mean SUPER SMART! Like incredibly. Anyways so Michael likes this gal named Taylor. She has the electric powers too!!!! Her's effects peoples brain waves though which is amazing!!!! Michael's just conducts electricity. Anyways Taylor is a cheerleader and one thing I remember very clearly that stuck with me was when she said she wasnt smart and Michael was like "but u get good grades" and she was like "yeah but thats because I know how to follow instructions. Not because I'm smart" and Wow i lvoe her.

Anyways so Hatch (the bad guy of this book who's tryna collect the electric kids) finds Michael and uhm theres this other group of people who I think were just called the Resistance (like i said its been a while since i read it) and they take Michael and his friends in to hide them from Hatch

And hatch like already has some of the electrikids and he has Zeus and Tina? I think her name was something like Tina it might notve been tina idk it was something with a T. And uhh some other guys i cant remember the names of but theyre all great and have been abused and tortured and brainwashed into being loyal to Hatch which makes me :( but anyways its amazing and i still have to read the last book but that would mean i have to reread everything bcuz i cant remember much and i dont have time for that