#they started going on about how i'm great friend for always helping people out amongst other random positive things which made me go ???

[strike-9]

saw a post on here about making friends as an adult and i feel conflicted cuz like, overall i agree that all you have to do is get the courage to show up and get the ball rolling by talking to people/getting their numbers even if it feels cringe or 'wrong' to do so however i can't help but raise my eyebrow at the 'act like they're already your friend' part because some people lean way to into that to the point where they forget we're not actually friends yet which inevitably leads to them saying/doing something that's pretty out of line so like. yes put yourself out there, talk to them and get to know them but please remember that people need to actually like, warm up to each other which could take weeks of speaking to them regularly at minimum

[whiteskullofroses]

Baldwin IV of Jerusalem x physician!reader

(Before any of you get mad this is about Baldwin from Kingdom of Heaven not the actual historical figure.)

🩷Imagine Baldwin receiving the medication for leprosy along with a new physician who has to see his face for the first time and makes him feel comfortable about it🩷

"Y/N Y/L/N, is that who you must be?" Sibylla questioned. You had just been preparing to leave for the Palace, in which you'd be treating the King when she rode up to you with her horse. Her confidence amazed you, after all she was quite beautiful.

"Yes, my lady." Looking up at her with a bit of a struggle, since it was a hot summer day, the Sun was high up in the sky causing your eyes to burn when gazing up at her.

"Good. Follow me." She ordered and waited a short while for you to straddle your horse as well. You named your horse Sihara. You felt the need to do so as she was always with you on your travels. You were blessed with the privilege of having a loyal horse, tying her to a tree to avoid losing her was unnecessary. She simply never left you.

After you two left, there was another 15 minutes before you'd arrive to the Palace because the city was heavily crowded. Neither of you spoke much, from time to time Sibylla would as you questions regarding your medical career. It was reasonable of course. Her brothers life, whom she loved regardless his illness, was now at your hands.

This put a great amount of pressure on you. If anything went wrong, the people would kill you. She and her fellow men and women of power would hunt you down no matter for how long you'd hide.

But what could go wrong? All you had to do was apply cream on his open wounds for about 3 months until they'd heal and you'd go on with your life.

~.................~

"This way." Sibylla pointed to a long corridor with two guards standing at each side. There was another hallway on the right before you'd finally arrive to your patient.

The walk was filled with anxiety. You could feel your stomach twisting inside out with every step you took. You've saved many many lives and have helped many many people to gain back their health but this time it felt like it was your first time in the medical field. Like it was your first time keeping one on this Earth.

Maybe it was because this was your first time treating royalty?

But when you reached the doorway and saw the king sitting with his back to you, all worries went away. In a weird way, you could feel his calming and peaceful energy from afar, telling you 'everything will be alright.'

You weren't sure how to announce your presence in the room, but thankfully the King heard you walking and was about to make that clear.

"Come forward." His voice loud and clear. The way he carried himself, as though he wasn't sick fascinated you and had you admire him deeply.

He turned around on his chair to have a look at you, as you bowed.

"No do not kneel." Surprised, you got back up and straightened your back. "I'm glad to meet (your father's name)'s daughter. He was a great friend of my father's"

Baldwin got up from his chair and started walking closer to you. "The Saracens say that this disease is God's vengeance against the vanity of our kingdom." He chuckled and added: "My guesses are you are to remedy this so-called curse casted upon me."

"Certainly, my lord." You gave an innocent half smile and nodded.

The king turned his head towards a table: "Come, sit."

As you walked closer you noticed there was displayed the popular game amongst men of power all over the world. Chess.

The two of you sat down, a servant served you wine and than the serious conversation began: "Y/N, I must ask this. How is the healing process going to affect my duties?"

"Not at all." You answered with much confidence. "All I have to do is apply the medicine on your wounds and areas that have in general been infected the most." Explaining to him as Baldwin leaned forward, signaling for you to go on: "This should last approximately 2 to 3 months."

You could sence that he was nervous. After all he was still so young and probably still insecure about his features, as much as someone with a disease that disfigures you can be.

"My lord, you can trust me. Worrying is out of the question here, after all I've been in the medical field all my life. I promise to you I won't let you down." Your words were full of pure determination to save him, they cut so deep into his heart in the best way possible he could just tear up.

~.................~

As you were mixing up the cream that was soon ready to be applied, the tension in the room was indescribable. Baldwin layed on the bed almost unmoving.

His upper body and legs were exposed. What you could see from the start was that his left arm was most infected, than any other body part.

Besides that he still had his mask on, which he would have to remove at some point to get the full healing process done.

The medicine was prepared. You put on your gloves and went to work.

"My lord, if you feel any discomfort during this, please warn me immediately." You stated.

He nodded and even though you couldn't see it because of the mask, the young man was blushing. So far all his personal physicians were males, and since he was sick he was never really touched by a woman in the slightest, besides his mother when he was younger, so of course he was flustered.

You applied the cream firstly on his left arm, being extra careful and waiting for any signs of nausea from the king. Sometimes treating people who have been infected with leprosy can be quite a pain since vomiting and dizziness are common side effects. Luckily the king was doing just fine and in silence you slowly applied the cream all over him. Except his face.

"My lord, may you now remove your mask please?" You smiled softly at him, really trying to get the young king to get comfortable around you since you'd be doing this for 3 months together.

"Is it necessary?" He hesitated. Feelings of shame and insecurity flooded his mind. He never let anyone see his full face, especially not a young woman whom he learned love to gossip around since his sister and her friends used to do it for as long back as he can remember. But this time it was different, and you wanted him to understand so badly: "I understand you may not feel comfortable doing so, but trust me I wish the best for you. To have this treatment the most affective it can be, I'll need to apply it on your face too." You explained as gently as you could.

After a moment, he did it. And he looked beautiful. His face was decorated with a pair of blue eyes and soft locks of golden hair. His face was of course infected, he didn't have a nose and there appeared to be a quite litteral hole in his right cheek but you didn't care. He was handsome no one could deny that.

So you smiled and commented: "My lord, I really can't comprehend why you were so afraid."

He looked up at you, who was now slowly smearing the medicine on his face.

"Is it really that hard to understand?" He sighed.

"My lord, you look just as handsome as any. Infected or not. You are someone young men should look up to. A true God's warrior."

He took a deep breath in, smelling the healing herbs on him.

When you turned around, he shed a tear.

THE END.

[yansimstorythatiwillnotworkon]

Kokona Haruka

Name: Kokona Haruka

Gender: Female

Class: 1-1

Club: Drama

Persona: Social Butterfly

Reputation:

Overall: +33

Liked: +50

Respected: +50

Feared: 0

Crush: Riku Soma

Strength: Weak

(Despite what I claimed before, this is awfully long.)

__

I'll spoil it now. Out of all of the other characters that I may or may not kill, Kokona Haruka is NOT one of them. I won't go into detail, but she has been someone very close to my heart since I first learned of YanSim.

Onto the important stuff, though. I think Kokona is a character that is the number one best character in Yandere Simulator. I'm content with her being just some NPC as of now, but only because I feel like any other editing to her character could mess it up.

Since she was a beta rival, she has a pretty decent life, decent lore, and decent relationships with her peers. I even think that she could make a great main character of a YanSim story that was meant to be more horrific than just violence.

I don't think much of Kokona needs to be explained since I'm just adding more specific bits to her already explained lore somewhere in YanSim's history. Some of these specifics are:

Kokona's personality, which is social and friendly, but still a bit anxious and nervous around people she doesn't know well. This is likely due to her father being the same way because he only ever interacted with whoever the loan sharks sent to collect the money. (Maybe, I admit I don't know much about how interactions like these work.)

Kokona's history, which consists of her mother divorcing her father. This led him to take several loans and, in turn, fall into debt. In middle school, she started doing jobs and favors for money, but a little closer to the end of her time in middle school, she ended up dating several of her classmates for money, amongst other (non-sexual 🙏) things. As of high school, she's started going on dates with whoever would pay, which has helped a little bit for her father's debt.

And finally, Kokona's relationships. This being with Riku, Saki, Kizana, Musume, and likely Kashiko as well (due to her wanting to ruin Riku and Kokona's relationship specifically). Kokona and Saki have been friends since middle school, and it was back then that Saki learned of her secret. Since she was her best friend, she's since been updated on every decision Kokona makes, and sometimes follows after Kokona to make sure nothing happens. Sometimes, she helps her by doing similar acts to Kokona.

Riku had a big crush on Kokona to begin with due to simply liking her appearance. After joining her club, he learned more about her and came to love her personality as well. After learning her type, he specifically wore his hair the way she'd like as well as with glasses in order to win her over. After he confessed, he didn't keep this up, but he does still insist on doing so on dates with her. Kokona hasn't formally accepted his confession due to feeling guilty about what she does without him knowing, but she does still allow Riku to confidently say that they're dating.

Kizana has always been such a superstar in Kokona's eyes. She was popular, talented and confident, everything that Kokona wanted to be. So, (unlike Tokuko) she started following in her footsteps, like copying her body language when she's around her and trying her best to be confident in front of her, even if she's shot down. Kokona is a sweetheart, and whole-heartedly believes that no one acts a certain way for no reason, so she personally excuses any irritation Kizana holds towards her. (The similar hair is on Kizana, Kokona loves drilled pigtails since middle school.)

Musume always obsesses over people she believed or knew had a dark secret. (Think- Horuda; Knows- Kokona.) And Kashiko has simply hopped on that train due to loving to ruin relationships. She believes that since Riku and Kokona are so sweet together, it'll be even better when she screws up their relationship.

(I apologize for this length. I even said I was going to keep anyone outside of the main characters and rivals short.)

[rattacat]

Relationships post about Nancy Drew S4

***Warning Spoilers ahead for the whole season up until 410 and theories onward***

After calming down after each episode and looking back at the season as a whole, I know I am in the minority of people who are actually enjoying this season so far and thinking that the writing is BRILLIANT this season. Having said that, here are some thoughts that I have about the relationships going on this season.

The mystery is a whole other topic and I am so intrigued by it. It has so many moving parts I can't quite piece everything together. So I am enjoying that ride as well and can't wait to see how this whole mystery unfolds by the last episode!

**LONG post alert under the cut. Again, spoiler warning for the whole season.**

----------

Again, I am one of the few people who thinks that the writing this season is brilliant. I know I will probably be attacked for this post but I need to get my thoughts out.

As painful as this season has been to Nace, and believe me I get it, I love how the writers are actually depicting their relationship amongst everyone else's. HERE ME OUT:

This season definitely has the Drew Crew growing up. They are still friends and still there for each other, but they are starting their "adult" lives. At the start of the season, we have Nick still co-owning the Claw, *not sure what is going on with the youth center*, and the whole running for council thing, Bess is in charge of the Historical Society, George still co-owns the Claw and is shadowing Judge Abbot and going to school for law, Nancy has her investigative business, and Ace is an assistant at the Morgue.

With that being said, they have also shifted their friend dynamic to an adult friendship dynamic. With the way that the timeline is depicted in the show, with some episodes taking place over just a single day, I'm not surprised at how some relationships are depicted onscreen. It's very realistic.

I know that a lot of people don't like that Ace always seems to be in the morgue and away from the crew, but he IS the only one with an actual 9-5 job that he can't get away from, so this doesn't actually shock me. This is a job he said he loved in 313 so I can see him not wanting to mess that up. With that, Nick still seems to visit him and check in on him, bringing him lunch and making sure he talks to someone at least once a day and Bess seems to go and visit him occasionally and appears to have a great relationship with Rebecca this season which we hear about but don't actually see. As soon as someone needs him, or calls him, he always helps out still while being at "work" so to me, he isn't as distant as some might think he is. And I don't think that the writers are doing him dirty as some people think either. There is a LOT that happens in an episode and it can feel like he is distant but he really isn't. (we get in him scrubs, I'm NOT complaining about that either!)

He is also still with the crew when he can be! He was with everyone in 402 and 403. He was with Nick at the Claw in 404/405? He was with everyone in rescuing Nancy in 406, playing the game in 407, and obviously the whole of 408, except the last scene. (And while I would have loved if Ace was there for that scene, I also am not mad about him fishing with his dad....more on that phone call later.)

Getting into it:

I love Nancy and Nick's BFF era this season. I also love that Nick seems to be dad #3 of the group and I'm here for it. We start out S1 with them in a relationship which didn't work out and never really had a friendship, so it's nice to see them have one now and get past that awkwardness. Nancy can lean on Nick, she knows this, and he seems to be the only one. Major growth here!

Nick and George: S3 ended with them in a bit of a mess but I am liking where their relationship is kind of headed. George admits that there are some days where it is hard to be friends with Nick but they are working on it and the friendship is growing. The body swap episode (408) proved that. Nick being there for George and her date was a sweet touch. I would love for them to get back together but even if they don't, I'm happy to see George trying with someone and I do love Jade!

Nick and Ace: Living to finally see this friendship. We get snippets of it over the course of the other 3 seasons but now we are finally starting to see it. Nick being there for Ace and hearing him out, giving advice, I love them seeing them together.

Bess and George: I am happy that Bess at least has George fighting on her side this season with Carson. Their friendship really grew and I actually liked that Bess and George said they are best friends, because they are! And yes, while Bess said "Don't tell Ace" and everyone got a little mad, you can have more than one best friend. I do!

Bess and Ace: They are still very much plantachors! They know each other well and they still seem to have a solid friendship even though we aren't seeing it much this season. Like I said before, Bess still seems to visit him in the morgue and she also seems to have a good relationship with Rebecca now which is implying that a lot of their friendship is offscreen this season. In 402, Ace said he went to Bess for moral support about finding out about the curse, and she went to everyone else. So, STILL my favorite plantanchors!

Nick and Bess: I am LOVING this friendship that came out of the past seasons. They are helping each other out a lot this season and Nick is there for Bess still with the whole situation about the Historical Society and the "witch-hunt" storyline. keep it coming!

Nancy and Bess: these two seem to have grown into sisters. They have a great friendship even though we don't see it a lot but they are there for each other in a heartbeat!

Here we go!

Nancy and Ace

Where do I even start? The most epic of slow burn romances out there. There have been so many crumbs over the last 3 seasons all leading up to this!

This is a love for either of them that they have never experienced before. While both Nancy and Ace have had other relationships, they don't even come close to the love that they feel for each other. They have admitted that they are the loves of each other's lives and Nancy admitted that Ace is her person...... That's HUGE.

They have both done so much growing up over the seasons to be able to recognize this. So, this season:

While yes, there is a lot of pain, I believe it actually grew their relationship and the writing is done very well here. Yes, Ace wound up breaking Nancy's heart at the end of 403, but Nancy broke his heart first.

This whole journey after that is them coming back together and trying to figure it out. They don't know what it is like to be "just friends" with each other and we definitely see that. Nick calls Ace out on this and you can see him agreeing! It was never just about friendship for him. Ace admitted that he still wants to be with her more than anything, but watching her almost die in his arms definitely scared him. This isn't a hallucination from Temperance, this was REAL, and Nancy ALMOST died. If Ace looses Nancy, he's losing a piece of himself and he won't know what to do. He finally understood what Nancy went through in that hallucination and understood why she stayed away. That thought is what scares him into running away and giving up because he would rather see her alive and with someone else than risking her life. That whole speech he gives her at the end of 405 was incredibly written, as heartbreaking as it was. He was very openly honest with her here too. He told Nancy that she deserves to be happy and with someone who can love her completely, EVEN THOUGH IT WOULD RIP HIM APART. He was honest!! And Nancy knew that! Nancy still loves him greatly and she doesn't know how to be around him either without those feelings rising to the surface. Everything they have done was for each other, so to take a step back, they don't know how and I think this is beautifully shown up to this point!

They are trying to be just friends, and failing. This is why it is hurt after hurt and the fights we have been seeing all season because there is still too much feeling there. They keep trying to give each other space but winds up being impossible. Ace still helping with the mystery and being part of that friend group is keeping her attached to Ace.

Tristan happened to be in the right place at the right time. While I think there is something more there (mystery pertaining), at this point, yes he is uncomplicated and easy. And NOT cursed. (well, until the sin eater reveal in 410)

But Nancy can't bring herself to let more feelings in because she is still hung up on Ace. She felt guilty when she found out that Ace saw her with Tristan and immediately tried to tell him about it. Ace being nonchalant about it on the outside affected her, you can visibly see it, and she doesn't know what to do with that.

Ace however, is still very much hurting on the inside. He just doesn't show it. He told Nancy to move on and this is what she is trying to do. So he is braving it, and trying to let her. Still being affected by this however, leads to the fight at the end of 407. Nancy needs Ace to give her space so she can try to heal. This is understandable. They never really got a chance to really be together so Ace doesn't know how hard it is for her. Nancy had that WHOLE hallucination, multiple days with him, to know what she's trying to walk away from. So, he agrees and leaves her to it which we see Nancy crying because yes, that still hurts.

Then, Nancy texts the whole group that she needs help and to meet at the Claw ASAP. Despite everything, Ace still shows up because she needs help, and she tells him this. Ace still showing up knocks her a bit because yes she still wants the space, but it means a lot to her.

Spending the day in each other's bodies doesn't help either. But this was the turning point. They had to work together, and be together for the day and that really proved to them that they are better together, whether they like it or not. Cut to the end of the episode when Nancy tells Ace to go be with his dad. There was a LOT that was loaded in to that speech. She was talking about making memories with his dad and still being able to because she lost Kate, but she was also talking about them. "All that's left are memories. That's all you're really left with...just messy, stupid memories that stick around..." She's still remembering him. And I think Ace caught that meaning too. There is so much they can say to each other without actually saying it and this is one of those moments.

After Ace goes fishing with his dad, he realizes that he can't stay apart from her. Now for the phone call:

Again, this is the turning point. Ace told Nancy that he is a better person with her in his life. Nancy admitted that she wasn't happy without him in hers.

However, before this, Ace still tells Nancy, again, that it still hurts to be her friend right now. Why? Because he still loves her. You don't get over that that quickly and Nancy knows she still loves him. There was something in that pause from Ace where you knew he wanted to say more but held himself back. This is where it takes a turn.

The next couple of episodes their whole relationship seems to change. Nancy is freaking out about saving Tristan, which understandable, but something seemed really off.

In 409, we hear that Tristan has been trying to ask Nancy out for a bit... a few days, but she doesn't answer him because she doesn't know if this is what she wants. After she shoots him and they are trying to save him in 410, that's where it hit me that something is wrong. She refers to Ace as her ex and tells Tristan she just got out of a relationship, which isn't entirely wrong, but they way she's explaining it doesn't sound right.

One line got me...."Sure, call my ex to help the guy I like". Why would she not want Nick to call Ace? He's been helping her this whole time and he still helped when she got stuck. So why now?

Here is my theory........After we find out at the end of 410 that Nancy was the last sinner, this whole couple of episodes makes more sense.

Why all of a sudden, Tristan is now a "maybe" thing. Nancy altered her memories of her feelings for Ace, in turn altering his. I don't know if anything happened, but after that phone call, the only way they are going to move on is if those feelings for each other are gone. They can't be happy and still be friends. This was the only sure way.

Nancy doesn't want Ace to hurt anymore and she doesn't want to hurt either. But she doesn't NOT want him in her life. Hence, going to the black door.

If this winds up being right, WOW! this would be a great twist and I would love to see where this brings them!

I have absolute faith in the writers and know we are getting our endgame, so BRING IT ON.

as Kennedy says, "Ride the wave, baby!"

sorry for the rant!

[coopigeoncoo]

Hot Dish, Chapter 1: The First Course

Chapter Links: One, Two, Three

Pairing: Shigaraki Tomura/Female Reader

Rating: Explicit. 18+

Tags: Sexual content, Exhibitionism, Chikan, Heavy Petting, Oral Sex, Vaginal Sex, Safe Sex, Consentual Sex, Swearing, Romance, Soft Shigaraki, Posessive Shigaraki, Domestic fluff, Mutual Pining

---

Down on his luck and scrambling for survival, Shigaraki Tomura was just looking for a place to score a hot meal.

Instead, he ended up scoring a hot date.

--- "You want gravy?" You asked, waggling the ladle of onion sauce enticingly, some of it sloshing over the edge of the spoon and falling back into the pot with a wet squelch. Tomura glared at the chunky sauce disdainfully before closing his eyes and sighing.

"Whatever."

"Gravy it is!" You cheer, pouring the sauce over the meat patty before passing it to him. "There you go! A hunk of meat for my favorite hunk."

--- A slow, domestic romance between a volunteer at a soup kitchen and the newly destitute leader of a notorious villain organization.

---

Continue reading below, or follow the link to Ao3!

Chapter 1: The First Course

It was the busiest time of year at the soup kitchen.  The weather had recently turned bitter cold and the promise of a warm meal and a respite from enduring the brutal weather was too good of an opportunity for people to pass up. You had started volunteering during high school, looking for a way to beef up your college applications, and found a great deal of personal fulfillment helping out others in your free time. 

Now in college, you still made time to regularly volunteer even though your budget would greatly benefit from you picking up more shifts at your part time job instead.  But you were driven to altruism by that stubborn organ beating in your chest; reminding you of how much you loved the regulars, your friends in the volunteer group, and the feeling of contributing something meaningful to society. 

As much as you enjoyed the work, there were definitely plenty of things about it you wish you could change; the biggest being the terrible feeling you got when the time came to shut the door and cut the line off because you'd reached maximum capacity for the night.  Having to turn people away, hungry and cold, always gnawed at your conscience and you desperately wished that you had a Quirk that could somehow stretch your food supply farther- make every bite more filling or every pot bottomless.  

But you didn't.  So as soon as the last pan of curry was placed up onto the chafing dish you waved to get the attention of the volunteer at the door, a massive literal bear of a man, who then began to make apologies to the people queued up outside as he closed up the entrance.  

"Looks like Scruffy Hot Guy didn't make it in today," Kiyomi, your long time friend and fellow volunteer, teased with a gentle elbow to your ribs.  

"Oh, hush!" You chide her sharply as you scoop up rice. 

"Relax!  It's not like I'm going to tell the guy you think he's- what were your words?  'Brooding and mysterious'?"

"I deeply regret telling you that," you grumble irritably as you slide a plate in front of Kiyomi for her to ladle a serving of curry onto.  Laughing at your expense, you watched as she gave the curry a stir, counting the remaining chunks of chicken and mentally calculating how to divide them up fairly amongst the remaining guests in line.  The next few plates were distributed without incident, people quietly thanking you both as they received their entrees and continued down the line as you and Kiyomi chatted together.  

You were dishing up one of the final scoops when a deep, growling voice interrupted you.

"That ain't enough rice," the man in front of you grumbled in complaint.  He was unbelievably tall, his head nearly scraping the spotty and discolored ceiling tiles as he crossed his arms across his chest, flexing his basketball-sized biceps in an obvious bid to intimidate you.  You had never seen him before, but that wasn't terribly uncommon as people generally filtered in and out as they moved around the city looking for new job opportunities.  

"Excuse me?"

"I said that ain't enough damn rice.  That might be enough for a small thing like you but I need more."

"I'm sorry, sir.  Everyone gets the same dinner serving size to keep things fair.  Further down the line we have protein bars and fruit that you can supplement your meal with-"

"I don't want protein bars!" The man yelled.  "Damn things taste like sawdust!"

You were about to offer another apology and attempt to diffuse the situation when another voice spoke out from behind the irate man.

"Take the food or get out of line."

"What did you say?" The man screamed, spinning around to confront the man behind him.

"Scruffy Hot Guy," Kiyomi gasped in delight.  Sure enough, the object of your idle gossip appeared from behind the screaming man; somehow managing to appear both disinterested and profoundly irritated by the goings on in front of him.  

"I'm hungry and you're holding up the line.  Move, " he practically growled from behind his facemask, his red eyes narrowing in warning.  The large stranger threw his head back, clearly amused by the willowy man's implied threat.  

"Oh, yeah?  Tell you what, why don't you just give me your portion then?  No way a stick like you needs to eat much."

You didn't clearly see what happened next.  There was no scuffle or physical altercation, just Scruffy Hot Guy hooking a finger over his facemask, preparing to pull it down, as he disappeared behind his aggressors' wide frame.  The next thing you knew the large man was reeling back, white as a sheet, as he tripped over his feet in his hasty scramble to the exit.  

Scruffy Hot Guy stepped forward in the line, now occupying the space in front of you as he adjusted his facemask back into position and pulled the sides of his hoodie forward to obscure his face as best he could.  

"That was amazing," you breathed, scooping up a slightly larger helping of rice onto his plate now that there was one fewer person in line.  "What did you even do to that guy?  A Quirk thing?"

"Nah," Scruffy Hot Guy shrugged, scratching at his neck uneasily under your scrutiny.  "I just showed him my face.  Guess I must be pretty ugly."

"I sincerely doubt that," you laugh as you push his plate down the line towards Kiyomi.  "But even if you were, I'd still give you my number if you asked for it," you said, staring directly into his eyes and raising your eyebrows imploringly.  His eyes widened, obviously stunned by your flirtation.  The skin above his facemask burned a brilliant red, temporarily coordinating with his eyes in a very fetching way. 

He mumbles something under his breath as he quickly averts his eyes, hunching his shoulders as he shuffles down the line; grabbing the completed tray from Kiyomi’s hands before loading up his coat pockets with protein bars and trail mix packets and sliding into an open seat on the far end of the room.    

Kiyomi shakes her head, laughing at your rejection as she preps the final plate of the evening.  

“What?” you huff in exasperation.  “You can’t blame me for shooting my shot!  I’ve been waiting weeks for an opening!”

The last person in line, an old woman who came around every week or so, tsked disapprovingly.  “The Gods take the time to craft a man with a butt like that and you wait weeks to make a move?  Are you really that stupid?”

“Hey!” You screech indignantly while Kiyomi throws her head back, cackling.  “I’m not stupid!  Just…cautious.  You never know what someone is really like, you know?”

“True enough,” the old woman hummed, gently rummaging through a pile of overripe bananas. “But I take it that you have a better idea of what sort of man he is now?”

You spared a glance over to the far side of the room, where Scruffy Hot Guy was slowly savoring his meal; his hood pulled low down low to obscure his face while he ate. 

“Yeah, I think I do.”  

Scruffy Hot Guy hadn’t seemed to be particularly receptive to your first advance, but he also hadn’t outright rejected you either.  So you’re currently stuck occupying some sort of weird flirtatious limbo; unsure if you should continue your pursuit or abandon your efforts entirely.  

Deciding to play it by ear, your life cycled through your normal routine until your next shift at the soup kitchen.  

“Well, well, well!  Look who it is!” Kiyomi crowed in delight as Scruffy Hot Guy stepped up in front of you again.  “Our very own Hero has returned to us!”

“Please, Kiyomi,” you scoffed as you slid a grilled fish onto a plate.  “He’s better than a Hero; he’s a good person.”

“Aren’t they pretty much the same thing?”

“Not always,” you mumble, using your tongs to scrape at some fish glaze that had burned at the bottom of the serving dish, entirely missing the interested gaze of Scruffy Hot Guy quietly assessing you.  

"Oden today," you said as you ladled broth into a large soup bowl, chunks of fish cake floating up to the top.

Scruffy Hot Guy peered at the bowl, seemingly unimpressed by the offering.

"Not a fan?"

"It's fine," he mumbled, placing the bowl down gently on his tray, careful not to spill a single drop despite the bobbing radish slices sloshing the broth about.  

"If you have an allergy or something there are some leftovers from yesterday I can reheat for you."

"No, nothing like that," he shook his head gently, pausing to spoon some seven spice on top of his bowl.  "I usually try to pack some of the food away for later.  But soup doesn't travel very well."

You hummed thoughtfully as he finished his meal selection and took his seat.  Once the line had died down you ducked back into the kitchen, snagging a disposable coffee cup and lid before making your way back to the cafeteria.  Silently, you deposit the empty cup next to Scruffy Hot Guy's tray before continuing on past his table to grab a tub of dirty dishes to haul back to the kitchen for cleaning.  

"Thank you," he said quietly as you passed behind him, carefully spooning a hardboiled egg into the cup you'd left him.  

"Of course."

"We have to stop meeting like this," you sighed dramatically, passing him a bowl of stir fried vegetables. 

"How else would we meet?  It’s obvious we run in very different social circles."

"What makes you say that?"

"Really?" Scruffy Hot Guy scoffed.  

"I'm serious!" You pouted, looking critically down at the parts of your ensemble visible around the disposable apron you were required to wear.  You took a lot of pride in your appearance, a good portion of your slush fund spent on building your wardrobe and keeping your nails finely manicured.  Friends had joked about your high maintenance appearance in the past, but you personally likened yourself to a painting; already beautiful to start with but an absolute masterpiece with the right frame to accentuate your features.  Finding no obvious flaws in your appearance, you narrow your eyes at him peevishly.

"Are you saying you'd be ashamed to be seen with me?"

" What," he sputtered, his voice pitched somewhere between shocked and indignant.  

"Don't you 'what' me, mister!  I'll have you know that I'm hot enough to roll with any crew."

"That's not the issue."

"It's not?  So you think I'm hot then?" you pry coyly, fluttering your lashes.  Choking on air, he slams his bowl of vegetables down onto his tray and quickly bumbles away as you laugh.

"Where’s the bun?" Scruffy Hot Guy asked, staring down at the lump of meat you were serving up.

"It's hamburg steak, not a hamburger."

"So it's a burger.  With no bun."

"Right.  No bun, but there is gravy.  You want gravy?" You asked, waggling the ladle of onion sauce enticingly, some of it sloshing over the edge of the spoon and falling back into the pot with a wet squelch.  Scruffy Hot Guy glared at the chunky sauce disdainfully before closing his eyes and sighing.

"Whatever."

"Gravy it is!" You cheer, pouring the sauce over the meat patty before passing it to him.  "There you go!  A hunk of meat for my favorite hunk."

Cheeks rosy above his facemask, he mumbled something intelligible before calmly stepping away.  Smiling widely, you spun on your heel to face Kiyomi.

"He didn't run away!"

"He didn't run away," she confirmed, laughing as you pumped a fist in victory.

"Soooo," you drawl sweetly. "Am I ever gonna get a name out of you?" 

Scruffy Hot Guy visibly stilled, obviously deeply uncomfortable by your current line of questioning.   

"No need to answer if you don't want to.  I won't pry.  I can just call you by the nickname Kiyomi and I gave you," you offer in concession, laying a generous serving or rice gratin next to a small pile of lettuce leaves.  

"What name is that?"

"Scruffy Hot Guy."

A sound that could be best described as some sort of plaintive wail escaped Scruffy Hot Guy as he scratched nervously at his throat.  

"You should-," he paused to swallow thickly.  "You should call me Tenko.  It's better than- than that."

"Tenko it is, then.  Hot Guy Tenko."

"You're insufferable," he growled.

"Well, misery loves company so how about you and I suffer together over coffee sometime?"

"Don't turn my insults into propositions," he chided, selecting a small pouch of dressing for his wilting salad.  

"Sorry, no can do.  I'm nothing if not persistent."

"Persistent?  That's a considerate way to frame that bratty attitude of yours."

"Oh?  What would you call me instead?"

"I would call you what you are," Tenko says, the space between his eyes crinkling with malicious glee. "An absolute Pest."

"Tenko!" You gasp, a gloved hand raised above your chest in mock outrage. "Save the cute nicknames for when we're in private!"

Tenko grunts irritably as he rolls his eyes and steps away from you.  

Kiyomi whistles sharply, waving a hand to fan at her face. "Goodness, that was intense.  When's the wedding going to be?"

"Spring next year.  I want a long engagement so I can save for my dress," you grin, sending a wink at Tenko when you catch him trying to sneak a glance back at you.  He glares back before dropping his head and digging into his meal.

The past few months had been the absolute lowest point in Tomura's life.  His Master had been brought low and imprisoned in Tartarus, the League was fractured and forced underground, and all of his available resources had been drained during the frantic scramble for survival those first few weeks he spent on the lam.  His life of ease and luxury had been erased in an instant; falling to ashes around him like he had dusted it with his Quirk himself.  The summer months outside hadn’t been awful, but he had been forced from his favorite hiding spots once the weather turned colder.  

These days, he spent the majority of his waking hours holed up in various arcades; lifting near empty play cards from unminded purses and pockets and taking hits from unstubbed cigarettes he pulled from the ashtrays to keep his hunger at bay.  Whatever prizes he managed to win he would deliver to Toga during their brief meetups; small things like cell phone straps and plush animals that meant nothing to him, but that she would cradle to her chest with a delighted squeal like they were precious treasures.       

When the League had split, Twice had tearfully supplied them all with maps of the areas he was familiar with.  They were bizarre, scrawling things, folded up like origami cranes and written in a mix of precise pencil notes and wild glitter pen scribblings.  The maps turned out to be just as useful as they were visually abrasive, though.  He’d taken the time to write out common Hero patrol schedules, potential hide outs, the stores that sold the cheapest burner phones, and places to grab free meals.  That was what brought him into the soup kitchen that first day.  

He hadn’t been expecting a lot, because little was all he seemed to be capable of receiving these days.  Little food, little sleep, little peace, little comfort.  But he definitely hadn’t been expecting you.

You threw Tomura through a loop like you pitched for the Major Leagues; with a devastating and seemingly effortless force that left him awestruck and barely holding onto the metaphorical bat.  

There had been plenty of women before.  They were always there, buzzing about the fringes of wherever people of power congregated.  But interactions with them were simply transactional, trading calculated touches and honeyed words for money or influence; things Tomura was awash in for years and freely utilized to sate his desires.  

So flirting was a bit of a new experience for him.  

He didn’t know what to do when you smiled at him; guileless and simply pleased by his presence.  When you flirted with him it was out of some misguided, but sincere, desire to be closer to him.  There was no angling for his money because there was no longer any money to be had.  The mere idea that you found him somehow valuable and worthy of your attention was as flattering as it was bewildering and left Tomura floundering more often than not.  

Tomura didn’t understand your interest.  He’d seen himself in the mirror and held no illusions about his appeal.  He was pale and lanky; crusty and scarred.  He’d seen his partners hide grimaces when his shirt came off, their fingers giving his flaking skin a wide berth as they hesitantly set a course across his back and shoulders.  

And as distasteful as his body was, Tomura knew his personality wasn’t much better.  

There wasn’t a single thing about himself that should draw your attention.  But he still desperately, recklessly, wanted it just the same.  

“Shit,” Tomura whispered, dropping his head forward to thump against the window of the pachinko machine he was seated at, the wild pinging of the steel balls synchronizing distressingly well with the frantic beating of his heart.   

You had been pulling on your regulation hair net when a flier on the bulletin board in the volunteer lounge caught your eye.

“Oh, no,” you moaned miserably.  “We have a Hero Day coming up?”

Various groans of confirmation came from the other volunteers, each sounding as excited at the prospect as you were.    

“Who is it this time?” 

“Mt. Lady and Uwabami.  They got into a spat at some televised fundraiser so their PR teams are shoving them together here to kiss and make nice for the cameras,” Kiyomi explained as she slipped the strap of a plastic apron over your head.    

“Great.  Just great,” you sneered as you hip checked the door open and made your way to the dining room.  

“So, is today finally the day?”

“Is today the day for what?��” Tenko asked, waiting impatiently for you and Kiyomi to finish serving his tempura.  

“Resolving this obvious tension between us by going out on a date together?”  

Tenko narrowed his eyes, an inscrutable look on his face.  “And where exactly would I take you to?  A different soup kitchen?”

“Nah, this one’s pretty nice, don’t you think?”

Tenko sent a brief look off to the right, where a wet mop was propped up in the corner near the section of floor missing a large chunk of linoleum.  “Nice.  Sure. ”   

“Well, nice enough for a first date at least.”

“If this place is first date worthy I can’t imagine what sort of place you’d consider for a second one.”

“You’ll just have to wait and see then, won’t you?” you replied with a wink.

“I guess I will,” Tenko said as he slid his tray down the line before looking back over his shoulder.  “Well?  Are you coming or not?”

Eyes wide, you spin around to face Kiyomi who’s silently mouthing the word ‘Go’ while shooing you away with frantic hands.  Tugging off your gloves and hair net, you dashed out from behind the counter, skidding behind the last patron in line who called out as you passed:

“Get it, girly!” he cackled as you made a brief detour to dump your used sanitary into a trash can.

"I'm working on it, old man!"  You hollered back, sliding into the chair opposite of Tenko while the other occupants of the table scrunched their chairs and trays towards the far end of the table to give you two some semblance of privacy.  

"Hero Day?" Tenko sneered down at the flier on his tray that was advertising the fast approaching special event.

"Yeah," you sighed. "It gets really busy here on Hero Days, so we like to give the regulars a heads up.  The Hero agencies usually donate larger quantities of better quality food, so the bigger meals draw in folks who would normally hit up other soup kitchens."

"So they bribe desperate people with food to act as props for their social media campaigns?"

"Yep," you agreed as you passed Tenko his plate, which he slammed down over the faces of Uwabami and Mt. Lady grinning up at him from his tray.

"Disgusting, " he spat as he stormed away to his usual seat.

The force of everyone's collective will power wasn't enough to stop Hero Day from arriving at the soup kitchen.  The entire crew of volunteers had arrived unreasonably early that morning to clean the facility from top to bottom in preparation for the arrival of Mt. Lady, Uwabami, and the veritable fleet of sidekicks and photographers they would both bring.  Once the janitorial work was completed and the entire front room smelled overwhelmingly of bleach, everyone migrated back into the kitchen and began assembling and bagging up sandwiches to be handed out to the scores of hungry folks who would be drawn to the large event but unable to make it inside before the line cuts off and the doors close.  

You were stacking large boxes of finished sandwiches against the back wall when one of the volunteers, a middle-aged man with a bat mutation, paused in his work of spreading mayonnaise across slices of wheat bread when his ears twitched.  

“They’ve arrived,” he warned quietly as he resumed his work.  “And they don’t sound particularly happy.”  

Kiyomi snorted.  “What else is new?”

Another ear twitch.  “Oh.  Now they’re arguing with the Program Director.  Things are getting heated.  Someone should go up there and back her up.”

Everyone was quiet at the idea of having to go toe-to-toe with two Heroes and their sycophantic entourages.  

“Not it!” Kiyomi called out, thrusting her hand into the air.  The rest of the volunteers quickly followed, tossing their hands into the air to opt out.  You had been halfway across the room, carrying a large box of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches that prevented you from raising your hand.  

“Real mature tactic there, everyone,” you snapped irritably as you set the box down and made your way to the door.  

“Have fun!” Kiyomi said cheerily as she waved.  You stuck your middle finger up in return and made your way up the hall to the dining room. 

The scene you arrived at was chaotic.  

Your Program Director, a usually sweet and accommodating woman, was red in the face and absolutely screaming at a sharply dressed man in an ash gray suit.  Mt. Lady and Uwabami were seated as far from each other as physically possible in the moderate sized room, shooting icy glares at each other while their makeup teams toiled to get them camera ready.  The tables in the dining room were already half full despite it being a couple of hours before you were set to open; the seats occupied by people in ill-fitting clothes with dirt smeared artfully across their faces while they passed the time tapping on the screens of expensive, top of the line phones.  You hurry to your Director’s side, making excuses to the man in the suit and guiding her away from the altercation with a firm hand on her elbow.  

Her eyes begin to water as her adrenaline crashes, and you grab a handful of scratchy napkins from a dispenser for her to dry her face with as she sobs. 

“What’s going on here,” you ask gently, rubbing soothing circles on her bicep.  

“Mt. Lady was worried about how the PR photos would turn out so she decided to hire some extras to pose for pictures with her,” she sniffed, dabbing at her face with shaking fists.  

“ Some extras?  We’re already at half capacity with all these people here!”

“I know .”

“And she’s just going to give away food to people she’s paying who can already afford to eat?  While actually hungry people line up outside?”

The Director nodded miserably while you scrubbed a hand down your face, furious.  

“I fucking hate Hero Day.”    

There wasn’t a force on Earth that would force Tomura into the soup kitchen on the day when it would be swarming with Heroes and their worshippers, but his stomach was still making a strong case for itself despite his iron-clad will.  Being able to obtain regular meals made missing one even harder because the gnawing hunger tearing through his gut was an unfamiliar pain that demanded his full attention.  One hand held a nearly empty can of coffee, all he could afford with change he found on the ground today, while his other hand was buried deep in his coat pocket, systematically bending each of Father’s fingers into a fist before carefully straightening them out again and setting about to bend them once more.

He continued fiddling with his macabre fidget toy as he watched tiny snowflakes drift past the covered bus stop he was currently tucked away in; the plexiglass walls doing nothing to trap in heat but they did stop the blustery wind from chilling him down to the bone.  A soft knock next to his head drew his attention away from the falling flurries as he quickly spun to investigate the sound; finding you standing outside of the bus shelter, waving gently.  

Snowflakes had settled onto your eyelashes and they glittered fetchingly under the sickly yellow glow from the streetlight overhead.

"Mind if I join?" Your voice was muffled and distant through the plexiglass, but Tomura heard you clearly enough.  He nodded his assent and you beamed at him, quickly jogging to the entrance while pulling a large shopping trolley behind you.  

"Brr!" You exclaim as you settle next to him, closer than he should have allowed but still not as close as he wanted.  The trolley was situated in front of you both, and your thigh ended up brushing against Tomura's when you leaned forward to root through it.  He inhaled sharply at the innocent contact, his skin tingling with something other than chills where you pressed up against him.  

"Are you hungry?  I've been making the rounds with sandwiches and fruit and have some leftovers.  I've got ham and swiss or turkey and cheddar."

"Whatever's fine," Tomura said as you passed him a sandwich and an oblong apple that he immediately pulled down his mask to take a bite of.  It was mealy and so cold it caused his teeth to ache, but he polished it off in record time and dropped the remaining core into the plastic bag he extracted the sandwich from.    

He examined you from under his lashes, tugging down his hood to obscure his face as you did a quick tally of the remaining supplies in your trolley.  

"You're not at the soup kitchen today?"

"Nope.  Not my usual shift anyway.  I go in and help prep for the Hero Day visits, but me and the other volunteers leave early when the camera crews roll in.  We split up and pass out food on the streets instead."

"Didn't want to stick around for some autographs?"

"Hardly," you snorted inelegantly, tugging your gloves further down onto your fingers.  "We can't pass up on the donations the Hero Agencies offer up, but I refuse to participate in their meaningless virtue signaling.  If they actually wanted to help out they would just volunteer normally like the rest of us," you sniff in irritation, grinding a scratched off lottery ticket under the heel of your boot.  

"But instead they roll in with a cavalcade of reporters, serve up a couple of meals, and then wait for people on social media to tell them how thoughtful and good they are for putting on a show.  It's like a fireman showing up to a house fire, spitting on the flames, and then having people applaud them while the house is still burning."

"Like, Heroes have the money and the influence to actually help people, to really make a difference.  But instead they just waste their resources on meaningless stuff and- ugh, I don't know.  I guess I'm just frustrated because I can't imagine a scenario where I would prioritize acquiring fake internet points over providing a living, breathing person with a meal."

Sighing in frustration, you cross your arms and lean against the wall, your head tilted back to observe the falling snow like Tomura had been doing when you arrived.  

"Think we'd be better off without them?" Tomura asked, peeling off a section of bread crust and popped it into his mouth.

"Hmm?  Without who?"

"Heroes.  Do you think they're necessary?"

You're quiet for a moment, thoughtful.  Obviously weighing your words carefully before replying.   

"It's hard to say, I suppose,” you begin hesitantly. “This is the way the world's been the entire time I've been alive; so I don't have anything to really compare it to.  But I believe that things could be- should be , better than they are now.  I want there to be change, but I don't know what the best course of action for that sort of thing would be."

Tomura hummed, a sound of acknowledgement if not agreement, as he finished off his sandwich and pulled his mask back into place.  His meager disguise once again in place, Tomura leaned his head back and joined you in watching the snow flutter to the ground.  The small flurries had all but disappeared and were replaced by fat, puffy flakes; dramatic bits of fluff that stayed airborne for longer than seemed possible before they settled delicately onto the ground.

"I really love night time snow.  It's so romantic, don't you think?" 

"Can't say I've ever given it much thought," Tomura said, attempting to keep his voice level and casual and you slowly and cautiously slid towards him on the bench, the distance between you narrowing at a glacial pace that had Tomura nearly writhing in anticipation.  You came to a stop achingly close to Tomura, the remaining gap an open invitation for him to reach out, to touch, to accept whatever beautiful and intangible thing you were offering up to him.  

If Tomura were a good man, someone with a noble heart or a modicum of self-restraint, he would have tried to resist the temptation echoing in that sliver of space between you.  But he was, at his core, selfish and greedy; traits that had only been compounded by the past few months of hardship.  With so few things to his name, what he did possess became infinitely more precious and jealously guarded.  And here you were, entirely of your own volition, offering to become one of his rare possessions; to lay down willingly in his hoard- a priceless jewel amongst common trinkets for him to admire.          

The back of Tomura’s hand made contact with you first, gently skirting up the outside of your thigh.  You gasp, a sudden, breathy sound that sends a large cloud of condensation exploding into the air in front of your face as his hand continues its journey up the side of your body.  When his hand reaches your shoulder he carefully extends two fingers and sends them walking over your shoulders, a measured, unhurried march as they make their way across your back.  Once his arm is fully behind you he extends his thumb and wraps your bicep in a three fingered grip and pulls you towards him, the distance between your bodies erased as the grooves and divots of your bodies mold and settle into one and other.�� 

“Oh, Tenko,” you breathe, nuzzling into the cradle of his shoulder.  “Can we stay like this for a while?”

“Of course,” Tomura says as he runs an index finger across the swell of your cheek, smirking as you lean into his touch.  “I’m not planning to let you go.”     

Tenko had slid in through the soup kitchen doors a few minutes prior and you couldn't help the feeling of exhilaration that roiled in your belly and bubbled up your sternum as he drew closer to you in line.  The shift in your relationship was a recent and exciting novelty.  Every interaction was littered with relationship firsts; delicate threads of moments that would weave into precious memories you bundled your heart into to keep it warm in Tenko's absence.  

He was next in line, paused before Kiyomi as she placed a nearly expired rice ball donated from a local convenience store on his plate.

"You sure you want onigiri tonight?" Kiyomi asked, grinning fiendishly at Tenko as she added a couple of pickled plums next to the rice ball.

"Are there any other options?" 

"Well, you do have the option of this hot dish right here!" Kiyomi cackles as she elbows you roughly in the side, sending you stumbling out of place.  You grumble, rubbing at the impact point with your forearm so you wouldn't have to change your gloves.  

"I hope that you aren't offering her up to everyone in line," Tenko warned, his gaze steely as he narrowed his eyes at Kiyomi.  She swallowed thickly, shaking her head rapidly from side to side.

"No!  Of course not!"

"Good," Tenko said as he reached out for the plate you were holding out to him, running two fingers softly across the exposed band of skin above your glove, leaving a trail of gooseflesh in their wake.  

"I've never been one for sharing."

Ever since that night at the bus stop Tenko had been staying late with you at the soup kitchen, awkwardly holding a mop in a pincer grip as he unenthusiastically pushed it around the edges of the room while you and the other volunteers closed up shop.  Once the doors were locked and you’d waved good-bye to your fellow workers, you and Tenko would set out into the city together.  On days when you had a lot of homework or a looming exam he would escort you to the train station, both of you shortening your gaits to draw out the precious few minutes of time you could spend together.  But when your schedule was more flexible you would wander around aimlessly; examining the garish holiday displays set up in store windows or settling on a park bench for extended bouts of people watching.    

Today found you both wandering through a pop-up market, weaving through crowds of harried shoppers and visibly distressed men trying to point their girlfriends and wives to vendors hawking less expensive potential Christmas gifts.  You were comparing the prints of a few different scarves when you noticed the first flurry drift through your line of sight.  With an excited squeal, you turned to find Tenko, sliding your arms around his waist and bouncing happily on the balls of your feet.

“It’s starting to snow again!”

“So it is,” Tenko said, a smile present in the timbre of voice.  Tilting your head back to gaze up into the inky sky, you sighed happily as the tiny flakes multiplied and spun around in dizzying patterns above you.    

“You weren’t kidding when you said you liked snowy nights,” Tenko said, observing your dreamy smile with soft eyes.  

“Yeah.  It’s as close as us city dwellers can really get to seeing a sky full of stars.  When I was a kid I would pretend that all the snowflakes in the sky were shooting stars, each of them racing as fast as they could to grant my wishes,” you admit bashfully, slightly embarrassed by your past whimsey.  

Tenko hummed thoughtfully as he gazed at the icy flakes darting through the sky.  

“They’re going to need to go faster than that if they want to beat me,” he said, dropping his head down to nuzzle into your neck.  “Because there isn’t anything in this universe that wants to grant your wishes more than I do.”  

“Is that so?” you giggle as Tenko buries his face under your coat collar, his chilly cheeks and warm puffs of air making your skin break out into delighted tingles.  

“Yes ,” Tenko sighed against your skin, mask bunched up over his nose as he layered kisses across your collarbone. 

“Well, that’s pretty convenient since all I find myself wishing for these days is you.”

“You should wish for something better.”

“I don’t think there is anything better,” you say as you comb your fingers through the loose strands of hair falling across Tenko’s forehead.  “Not for me, anyway.”  

Tenko’s arms tightened around your waist to an almost painful degree, like he was trying to pull you through his layers of flesh and sinew and into his chest; tucking you tightly into the space beside his heart, caged safely behind his ribs.  

And you were happy to let him try. 

[professorzombiesquirrel]

How to live in a toxic environment

A while back, I was in a toxic workplace situation. I couldn't afford to quit, but it was a miserable place to work: the viciousness, the cliques, the political gaming, it was chipping away at me, and I didn't know what to do.

I looked around at the people who had been there longer than me. Not the mean ones; not the ones who seemed to find joy in creating and maintaining this toxic situation, but the ones I respected. I wondered, "How has that person managed it? Why do they stay? Do they know something I don't?"

And in answer to that final question: those people, the ones who seemed to be genuinely good people living through a bad situation, they all seemed to do two things to make it through intact: one thing that was common amongst them and one that was unique to each individual.

The common thing? They stayed true to who they were. They didn't give up parts of themselves to "fit in" or to be a "good colleague," as we were often told to do. They weren't confrontational about it, but they also didn't hide who they were. They were unabashedly themselves.

And let me tell you, as a person just starting out, that was so good to see. I had often been told I needed to hide parts of myself to fit in and get ahead, and here these people were simply showing up as who they were.

The individual thing? Each of them figured out the best way through FOR THEM.

One of them, she found ways to engage with the people we served, but stayed out of the workplace culture as much as possible. She did her job--but she invested in the people we were serving rather than the ones we were trying to work alongside. She formed a community with the people we served, and it was a beautiful thing.

One of them was willing to be a part of the workplace culture, but ONLY DURING WORKING HOURS and not a minute more. She didn't do extra work to try to ingratiate herself or to further the "battles" that were raging. She did what she was paid to do and nothing more. And then she went home and spent time with her family and friends and left the job behind her.

Another one found ways to engage with the people she felt safe with in non-work activities: a reading group; a monthly luncheon. And at each of these activities, we weren't allowed to talk about the job or the people there.

I was so glad to be a part of the group she felt safe with because it taught me that kindness, camaraderie, and fun are always good for what ails you.

My workplace situation now is better, but far from perfect. However, I have good strategies for staying whole and making it through, and now more than ever, I'm going to lean on those in all aspects of my life:

I am not going to shy away from who I am. I am in a space where it is relatively safe for me to do that, and I know that that is a privilege--I don't take that for granted. But I am so tired of trying to fit in or go along with the flow so as not to create ripples. That was slowly destroying me, so now, I'm me and I don't apologize for it.

I set hard limits. Work hours are work hours. Non-work hours are non-work hours. I don't let work seep in when I'm off the clock if I can help it. But this also applies to other things. If I don't want to engage with social media or the news for a few days, then I'm not going to--and the people around me aren't allowed to try to give me "a little peek" or "tell me just one thing." This also means that if someone wants to engage me in a conversation I'm not comfortable with, I'm going to say no and disengage. [Amy Poehler has a great line in her autobiography: "No is the end of the conversation, not the beginning of a negotiation"]. Finally, this means if there are people in my life who are't good for me, who are negative, abusive, or otherwise hurtful, I'm going to cut them out or avoid them to the best of my abilities.

I make sure to stay connected to those people who give me joy, who make me feel love and happiness and I make sure they know how much I love them. This is all about my people. My best friend lives on the other side of the country and has a horrible work schedule, but we make sure to zoom every two or three weeks just to check in. We also send lots of silly text messages to each other just to say hi or hugs or hey did you hear about that comic book?!? My partner and I often end up sending emails and texts during the day--little things or even cute stories--just to check in and say "hey, I was thinking about you." Even the people I don't talk to as regularly, I try to remind them I love them: I send cheap little Halloween cards, Holiday cards, and Valentine cards to them. I send emails out of the blue just to say hi. And I say "I Love You" to all of them as much as possible--I don't want any of them to ever doubt that there is someone who prizes and adores them--someone for whom the world is better because they are in it. We all need to know that, so I make sure the people I love do.

Do any of these strategies make the big bads of the world go away? Not necessarily.

But they make me feel more resilient, grounded, and ready to face what's ahead. And that is important.

Moving forward, I am going to protect myself and love myself. And I am going to love the people around me--just flood them with it. And together, we're going to make it through this.

[sketchybusiness4130]

Honestly I'm really surprised that no ones gone and made a dating sim for fnaf sb so here's some ideas I made for a crossover mod within Monster Prom about Security breach around a year and a half ago.

As someone who might only know of sb and nothing what monster prom is let me go into some detail of the game before I share my ideas

Monster prom is a dating sim set in a high school with almost all of the characters being monsters

So think like monster high but with crack shit humor and everyones gearing up for prom night in a weeks(you can change how long a game last so it could be only one week or two) that game is also multiplayer so you can share the experience with friends!

Back when I had writtin this out I had planned on using the in-game mod menu to make this into a mod but with almost every idea i come up with and get really determined over I lost interest after getting into the actual making it into the thing phase. I gift these ideas for ANYONE to pick up and use! all I ask is to let me see what you make

Now with that out of the way, onto the actual content!

Monster prom & security breach crossover ideas

Freddy and the rest of the cast are in spooky high school wow! 

Event storyline with Freddy that has him and Bonnie Hook up after finding out Bonnie didnt acctly die. if you play your cards right you get the chance join them ;3

Monty and Damian chilling together and then getting into a fist fight and/or a fight over who can cause the most damage 

Vanny event that also has Jerry pop up at least once and the two bond over killing people

Freddy bonding with Liam over being adopt dads (liam is a "dad" in cannon apparently)

I'm gonna have all of em be monsters rather than robots but I cant decide if I want to do this with Freddy too mainly cause I really want to have a 

scene where Gregory pops out of fredds stomach hatch which spooks and horrifies everyone watching, someone exslapes that OMG Freddy YOUr Pregernore?!? 

Vanny and zoe bonding over being fan girls

Vanny got catfished by Afton and is now stuck taking care of him outside of school hours

Sun and vanny scene that starts off with they getting along pretty well and they both start listing off things the two both like and then vanny shares she loves killing kids which ends that budding friendship real quick

Gregory with a Fazblaster will always end well! (hint, it doesnt) roxy gets blinded and if u fuck up the choice so do you

Aaravi finds out that a human child is just chilling amongst all of these “monsters” and self proclaims herself as Gregory's new guardian or something along those lines. Gregory is taking none of her shit at first but likes her attitude and they end up as good friends/a sibling dynamic

“DONT YOU KNOW HOW DANGEROUS MONSTERS ARE KID?! You cant just chill with these creatures, you must be on your guard at all times. I'll show you the ways “ something like this 

Gregory in a small way reminds Aaravi of her brother, and even more so for Michael. ido how I'll be able to convey this smoothly but damnit it has to happen somehow 

There will be events that lead to odd places around or near the school. Sun made a playroom under the gym bleachers, vanny event/storyline leads you down into the basement to meet afton, Chica event that has the two of you fall into said basement

Maybe chicas storyline can be the two of you searching for montys monster mash thing? 

Ok so freddy is still a robot but hes a ghost haunting said robot, aka Freddy is Michael afton. 

Gregory: “i wanna be like you freddy-”

Freddy:”thats great superstar!”

Gregory: “a kick ass immortal robot >:3”

Freddy, horrorifed: “no you dont” 

Freddys lived a long ass life

Player gets punted into the Sun, aka Sun the monster

Vanny storyline has you help her try to get out of having to take care of Afton, one of the final choices is on how to this [1]he's so old a frail, lets just burn him in a fire [2] beat him at his favorite game, princess quest.

[1] would cause you to fail and have afton be quick to say i always come back with vanny agreeing by giving examples of how many times he has already died and come back, some of which was because of a fire! She loses confidence and you lose your chance forever

[2] has afton scoff at the idea of anyone managing to do such for HE is a master at the game and is the true number one fan and if you dares say otherwise your in for a reckoning, you in turn say “if ur so confident then there should be no problem with wagering my win for vanny’s freedom”(maybe rephrase this) and then commences the most epic game of princess quest, the narrator before you get into it comments on the fact that lucky for you ur a speedrunning champion for old arcade games like this one. It ends up being a close game but you manage to beat the old basdter's high score!

Moons eyes change from blue to pure red depending on his mood

Sun likes to hide out during gym but can't get the braves to full on skip so that's why he made his playroom under the bleachers. Plus no one ever goes under there besides the injured trying to crawl away from their death

Among us Gregory vent meme

Gonna have each of the bois be something completely different than the other, freddy as already stated is the only one that's still a robot, monty is a were-gator that stays in his gator form as often as he can because he’s self conscious, Sun and moon are some kind of doll. Magic or some shit makes their change, Gregory is still a full on human. As for Chica and Roxy, I'm not quite sure what I wanna do for them other than just furry. 

Furry roxy, then bird thing for chica, air people? Yes, when it get brought up joke about it “this will most likely end up proved non canon by the next game but who cares!” 

Gregory: Freddy, I'm serious! 

Freddy: hi serious, im 

Ok Plan is to make the mod with only Sun Moon and Vanny to start off. 

So that would be at least 3 to 4 different routes to make. I want to also throw in a small handful of random events. After making/posting the final result i get to work on update GlamRock, which will add the rest of the cast along with a shit ton of new random events.

Someone brings up how her mouth never moves “annoyed: look its a skin condition”  

Vanny Route, activated after buying a rabbit's foot

Sun Route, you get pulled into this route after buying sun-drops

Moon route, is gotten by buying moon-drops 

Nope ok you get Sun AND Moon’s routes after buying “celestial themed candy” 

Depending on your choices durn this route it will branch off into 3 different endings. Similar to how Aaravi and Hex’s routes work in monster camp ;>

One event has you join sun during one of his shifts at the daycare he works at (guest star of gregory? Depends if i get around to fricking drawing him) 

Moon “moonlights” as a aerial dancer, durning his route you get to watch him durning one of his performances. Joke is made on how much you would love to see him on a pole ;>(this whole game has so many horry jokes, tho you can turn off any nsfw realted stuff through settings)(even then nothing explicit happens or shows btw! At most Just implied) 

During both of sun and moon’s routes you get the chance to pair up with both depending on ur choices 

Costume ideas

Vanny, white rabbit from Alice in Wonderland

Moon, pied piper

Gregory, crying child/ghost

Roxy, Red Riding Hood

~

And thats everything I wrote! As you can probably tell I did not bothing with polishing this up much, if I did I'll never getting around to actually posting this(<- already been procrastinating on posting bc of this reason) so I just decided to post as is.

[bloomboxygo]

I'm curious to see how you feel about Yuya given, uh, everything. But I know that might be a bit frightening so feel free to do either Sora or Serena instead!

Well, first question and I already have a slammer on my hands. Can't say I didn't ask for this one, so it's best I get these thoughts out on Yuya. Later on I might do the other two. Get ready. Also spoiler warning.

General opinion/How much I care about them: Yuya's a character I found frustrating as the show went on, but it's not his fault. Amongst all the characters with missed potential, Yuya's one of the very few ones who felt complete, with the initial shut-ins, insecurities, and bullying building him up to life his own life and make his mark on the world how he knows best: making people smile with his Entertainment Dueling. And in the Miami Championship, he really started to come on its own and actually impressed me. Another thing that impressed me was the Z-ARC foreshadowing: regardless of execution, you cannot say they didn't have that idea at the start, or at least the core of it. Sure, the road was bumpy (learning the same lesson over and over? Common and overused complaint, but I can't disagree with it) but it did lead to a complete character at least, which I do find endearing at the core. It's the world around him later on that becomes the frustrating part. Especially the post Z-ARC part, it felt like the world itself bent to Yuya's goals, like the whole world will be destroyed if Yuya doesn't get his girl, like... Ugh. AGAIN, he's not entirely at fault for that. I do care for him and wish him very well (despite the frustrations) and proper, thorough therapy. Also for his mindmates. Also... I don't have a strong opinion on Berserk Yuya. It's... A berserk form that always wins. I already know what's the outcome.

A ship I love: Eh... Not much of a shipper myself, but... Fruitshipping is fine, valid and canon, but frustrating because of reasons above which I also explained in my "Yuzu's Exhaustive, Exhausting Elegy". Again, not Yuya's fault here but Yuzu kind of destroying her own self for him just in a writing sense doesn't sit well for me. Even still, they have a fun dynamic and the support they show each other (even while separated by plot) is very much welcome.

A non-romantic relationship that I love: Aight, no complaints with this one YUYA | GONGENZAKA (sorry, don't remember the shipping name). What a fun dynamic the two have together, it's more than clear that they're besties and Gongenzaka's had a huge hand in supporting Yuya as well. There isn't much depth, but it's wholesome and solid the whole way through. I also really like the concept of two best friends having totally opposite Dueling styles, and in some way or another, approaching and learning more about each other's style (though Yuya learning the Heavystrong style was entirely out of my mind, and perhaps someone else's in a fanfic. The opposite happened though.)

The NOTP: Once again, no strong opinions on that one. If I find it weird enough, I'm simply not going to bother with it. I don't really have one that sticks out to me.

An idea for a fanfiction I would like to write/read about them: If I ever get the willpower and knowledge to properly write such a concept, a Spirit World fic when Yuya and Gongenzaka end up being Superheavy Samurai Prodigy Wakaushi and Brave Masurawo respectively would be great. Already shared an idea, IIRC, of these two things being statues that the Superheavies built in honor of their Master and his best friend.

Something that makes me think of them:

You weirdos.

More specifically, the people in the ARC-V fandom. Whenever I see all these super excited posts about the world and characters that the show offered, I can't help but feel your love for Yuya. Like... It seems everyone loves Yuya in this fandom and I can't help but feel like a bit of an outcast sometimes, considering how conflicted I am on him. I don't want to deny you of any fun. I know you're having the time of your lives with a show that gave me headaches, and while I still get shivers from time to time regarding my own experience... Thanks to you, I learned to bear it and make something positive out of it all. Perhaps not letting anyone hinder you, and encouraging yourself to make your own mark and make people happy, is what makes me think of Yuya, so you guys are a part of that.

I know I've mostly shifted to Radiant Dawn these days (Micaiah has claimed my mind with all her woes, and Tibarn with his Stone Cold entrances, and I just want to understand it all), but thanks for making me having a wonderful time here.

[jaynnie-jane]

Full fucking circle.

I know I started watching crappy childhood fairy a while back and I also know I sent a message to him that was along the lines of "holy shit, apparently I did have a crappy childhood"… But amongst the bullshit I somehow forgot that realisation and fuck me do I feel like a dumb arse.

So, Crappy Childhood Fairy talks a LOT about C-PTSD. All this time I have been caught in this Narcissist pondering and she does this really great video on parallels between NPD and CPTSD. I'm watching it and nodding along and thinking yeah, that makes sense and something she said made me do a quick google search which brought me to this page:

And the following lines made my heart fall "This is the definition of trauma. The failure to integrate a disturbing event into your internal narrative of reality. It doesn’t matter if 99% of that reality is happy and supportive." "It’s cliché, but many people who experience childhood trauma have parents with their own unresolved childhood trauma. And if they’ve made it to adulthood without resolving that trauma, they had to find a way to live with it. One of the most common ways of coping with trauma long-term is denial… and when their children are upset, they teach them that denial."

Not only does that first part explain how I feel about watching the fights in my family it also explains why when Mum and I were filling out a form for me for my queried Autism thingo, that I had ZERO recollection of my behaviour during a repeated (I can't even ADMIT the next word!) traumatic event (like holy hell, with all my knowledge and understanding of psych stuff I can't even say to myself, yes that was traumatic yet if a friend told me about it I would say yes, that would probably be pretty traumatic!). She told me how as an 8 to 16 year old, I would ALWAYS seek out my brother (he's five years older) and console him and make sure he was okay and validate him and just be there for him. According to Mum, this would happen at least once a week. All I remember from those events is their basic format: My brother would do something dumb that dad would get annoyed with and dad would yell, mum would intervene. Then randomly a few days later dad would give my brother an insane task as punishment for the dumb thing. My brother would complete the insane task without complaint and mum would get shitty with dad for giving my brother the insane task. When I think about my childhood my brain tells me that happened maybe every six months and I only have snippets of memory from one of them. Thinking about it now, and witnessing my parents and their relationship over the last few years I KNOW that for two or three days a week I would have been able to -feel- that tension in the house. As a full grown adult with a bit more self awareness (I was going to say much more but apparently that isn't the case), I still feel that tension between my parents at times and it makes my skin crawl.

The second part of that is also devastating to me because I look at my mums childhood and think "holllyyyy heeeck!". She's never 'dealt' with it. I think it's only been the last five years that I have watched her become more aware. It's often only through me biting back when she tries to control the way I dress or the very harmless ways my dad copes with life that SHE has started to shift her mentality. It's been the strangest thing for me to watch my mum wear baggy clothing. I don't know if it's coincidental but I went off at her a while ago when she was being critical of how I was dressed. I said to her very plainly "Just stop. Stop trying to dictate how I should look just because you are so insecure about the way that YOU present to the world".

Even now, as an adult going through the year I have had, through no initial fault of my own, it's almost impossible for me to actually ask for help because every time I do my mum tries to use it as a teaching moment for her type of resilience which is "you gotta be able to do it on your own, don't rely on anyone, you just CAN NOT EVER become dependent on others".

As a result I think I ricochet between the two extremes. I DO become highly dependent on others because I don't seek help before I absolutely have to. Usually by that point, no one CAN help me.

And now I am just so heavily filled with regret over my relationship. We both asked impossible things of each other, hell I didn't even ask. I don't know if I didn't ask because I was afraid of being told no or to just "suck it up" or if it's because I, like my mother pride myself on fucking STRUGGLING with my mental health alone because no one has been able to help me. I have known for MONTHS that if Josh and I broke up I would regret it. I KNOW I am capable of so much more. I KNOW that with the right support and environment I could be unstoppable. I knew, in my gut that who he was asking me to be, for the most part is who I think I want to be any way. But every second spent in a relationship where what my partner needed, I was incapabale of providing; was destroying us both. I knew I was failing him again and again and I was so terrified I couldn't be what he wanted, the only thing I could focus on was that and trying to make that feeling of hopeless worthlessness go away. Because I was holding onto this all consuming panic and anxiety over not being good enough for my partner, I didn't have space to take on the anxiety and panic that I experience around work.

And I am sorry. I am so, so sorry. You were not stonewalling, you were just exhausted. You were not dismissing me you were just flooded. And both of our crappy coping skills that we have both tried so hard to unlearn kicked in. Neither of us could risk asking for what we truly needed because we knew the answer was some version of "I can't give you that".

I wish we had found a therapist 8 months ago. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

Regret, despair, shame, grief, embarrassed, foolish, disconnected, heartbroken, self contempt and self betrayal.

[dragonofthestone]

cryptidsncurios asked:

SFW Ask Meme - O W L

O = Open (When would they start revealing things about themselves? Do they say everything all at once or wait a while to reveal things slowly?)

Depends something he'd have no problem talking about or answering if asked from the get go, but for the most part he tends to keep everything quite close and is very careful and particular what he reveals and to who.

Trust is a big thing and takes time to earn, and especially in his case where if the wrong person were to find out certain things about him it could/would be very dangerous. For himself or for anyone actually close with him.

Smaller details like his love of music or interest in the stars are easily learned and through getting to know him he might slowly reveal more to it- such as his guitar playing or star charts (which he doesn't show a lot of people)

lab!life makes him even more cautious and slow to reveal things- which is mostly just details on the lab tbh. And truth be told they're still learning things about themselves constantly.

W = Whole (Would they feel incomplete without their partner?)

For sure.

To even get that far to begin with, that person would have to be someone incredibly special and important for such a strong bond to form. Their partner/signifcant other is someone who can bring out or see sides of himself he may not have noticed or known before, and someone he can truly be himself around, let walls down.

Now important to note that Timaeus would never describe themselves or say they feel or felt incomplete before their Partner but it does bring about a new feeling having someone like that in their life, and should anything happen to change that it would likely break him to have that taken away

As even amongst his closest of friends their is always things that are hard to share or avoided, parts of himself that would be seen only by his Partner/ Significant other.

L = Little ones (How are they around children?)

SO good. Although he'd deny it, try to be humble and argue he's not that good/ think he'd be a good parent.

But he's just so good with kids, loves them. Growing up he frequently got asked to babysit for friends and neighbors, along with helping out with his little bro has made very good at dealing with kids.

While most of the time a big softy, and kinda weak for them- if someone could convince him to do something it'd probably be a kid, it's hard to say no sometimes. But he's not a total push over, he does also know when to put a foot down, there's a time and place for everything.

Generally over all is pretty good at adjusting to whatever is needed and fits the kids age as well.

Still makes mistakes now and then of course but over, great with kids. Someone you can trust with em for sure.

--

Lablife! Has no idea what to do or for that matter doesn't fully know what a 'kid' is. Meeting Ai and Yu all he saw were just smaller people and I'm not sure actually realizes/ is aware they are kids - just another thing someone needs to explain to this guy.

If it was a real young kid would be curious at first until they got loud then would probably avoid - least till they stopped being loud lol.

Now if it's animal kids/ baby animals we're talking about he's great, for a lab experiment he's a got a surprising paternal instinct that will kick and just wants to protecc, to an extent it probably extend to non animals as well- like if sees someone in danger would want to protecc you know.

[epitaffia]

Ari approached Doppio with an unusual sadness to her. instead of her basket being laden with Curious Things for her dear friend to see, it currently cradled a single baby blue jay, serving as a temporary sanctuary for the lost critter. her bottom lip wobbled as she tearfully began to explain the current state of affairs to Doppio.

" do ... po ... Po - po will help me put the beh ... the buh-- the birbie back in its nest, peas? thhh ... they will? "

well, this wasn't how doppio expected their afternoon to go ! they were expecting a call soon, or at some point today ... honestly they weren't quite sure when ( which was annoying as hell, why can't people give a specific time ! ) yet upon seeing their short friend looking on the verge of tears, doppio is quick to crouch & assess the situation, trying their best to offer a reassuring smile along with calm words, " hey, it's okay. i'm here, ari ... please don't cry. " it's one of few sounds doppio can't cope being around. but they press on, attention falling to her precious little cargo.

" oh no, did you find this little lost bird somewhere ? " it was clear to see the chick wasn't ready to fly from the nest ; pin feathers only just starting to poke through & unable to stand ... this was an important mission to return it to its home ! standing back up, amber eyes scourer along trees dotted about the park, searching for a fleck of blue amongst green. the parents must surely be close by ... when they spot one perched in a near tree making all kinds of noise, a determination lights up their freckled face, " right, just leave it to me, ari ! i'll get this little guy back home to its nest safe & sound ! " with great care, doppio scoops up the chick into their hands, before heading toward the tree with swift stride.

upon reaching the tree doppio pauses, paying quiet attention to their surroundings ... it would be pretty easy to use their stand to place the bird back up into its high nest, however the park wasn't exactly ... vacant. not that normal people could see stands, of course, but there was always the risk someone close by wasn't an ordinary civilian. lips purse with a hum as the risk is mulled over in their mind. well, no one was close by ... deciding to throw caution to the wind, a flash of crimson is seen & then vanishes, the bird no longer in doppio's hands.

wait- oh shit, ari-

" ah- ! " doppio swiftly turns to her waving an awkward dismissive hand & brandishing an even awkwarder grin ( quick, think up of an excuse- she's only a small kid, shouldn't be difficult to fool ! ). " uh- you know what magic is, right ? well, i did a little magic trick there. magiced it right out of my hands ! " they settle on the grassy ground next to her, totally relaxed & breathing a sigh of chill relief, " it's got its parents to look after it now, i'm sure it'll be okay ... unless it has mean parents. " @earthssprout

[aghadbeenhere]

Letting life go by.

AGHADBEENHERE'S UNNAMED BLOG: 7#

Sup, folks, AG here once again, I can't really tell how long it's been since my last post, as I said, time's kinda just become a blur for me and I've decided to accept that, the passage of time seemed daunting at first, knowing that i'd miss out on things that i could only live at this stage of life, experiences, people, all things that come and go with time, but the more i spent inside, the more i started giving less of a shit, and I think something that re-assures me of this is an experience I had with two other friends when we were gaming.

I really think I just feel kinda saddened about the situation, yet I feel happy for knowing that it's happening, and that things aren't forever stagnant in my life, and that I'm really learning to accept that shit happens, so I can finally do as I say and as I do, letting life fly by me.

Me and my friends were in a call, we were playing a game together and having fun n' all, but the thing is that they just kinda.. Clicked, you know? Like in a friends way, besties and all, joking around about things they both knew, having a laugh and saying the same jokes.

And I was (and still am) very proud to have introduced the two to eachother, I'm happy that they've become friends, but that also put a worrying thought in my mind.

"What if they replace me?" I was the bro, the homie, the one he clicked with, chatting, joking about the same things, and I think we've kinda grown apart in that sense, yes, we still talk, but not as often as before.

Yes, we play, but not as often as before.

And at first, I was horrified of drifting away from the best friend I had, the buddy whom I had been through thick and thin with.

We still have great conversations and i'm happy to be there to help.

But I feel like the friend I introduced them to can do all that, but even better.

But i'm starting to feel less sad about that reality, more-so accepting of it.

I haven't really always been the greatest friend, I've been quite a dick a lot of the time, and maybe this'd push me to truly become as Kind as I want to be, so it's not a fake persona, so it's actually just me.

And they go well together, maybe them being the buddy-buddy besties that I once was with him will be good for them.

Maybe I'll stay behind as the one that helped, just a stepping stone in their life.

This all may read very depressingly, but if that's how I'll be remembered, then I'll take it.

I want there to be some sorta sign of me, that I was there.

Even in the lives of other people, because that'd mean I had an impact big enough to just be a part of it, even if just a stepping stone.

I think a Legacy's a complex thought for me.

Everybody wants to be remembered, right? To be recalled by someone, to not experience the second death, as Banksy put it.

But I don't feel like I deserve a Legacy at times, to not be remembered but to be free.

But a Legacy isn't a burden, it's something that comes after the freedom, as how you'll be seen after the life you chose to live.

And I think that I don't want a giant legacy, for my name to be a whisper amongst a select few that knew who i was, and only saw me as a train stop in the middle of nowhere, that it was there, yet everything else around it is nowhere to be found.

I dunno, man.

I don't think anybody does.

But that doesn't really matter, I guess.

This was AG, as always.

Remember me, but not who I was.

With love, yours forever.

-aghadbeenhere, 2024

[suckerx]

2023 was the most intense year I've experienced and I acted like everything was fine infront of everyone else.

It started when I felt abandoned because of the way I behaved out of self loathe. Why can't they be there for me like I was for them? They tried but they got tired. Just because I processed pain slower than the rest, I was left behind and everyone else ran out of patience. Being negative will eventually land you into spreading negative energy, being in a toxic environment will eventually poison you. TLDR, it did.

I made an enemy at work. People who has never met me in person were gossiping about me - for the way I dressed, for my grooming, for my "personality". My photos and videos were circulated amongst people who I haven't spoken to, who barely knows me. What did I do? Nothing. Treated it like white noise. Blamed it on the industry.

I just started a career where I thought I could finally break the ceiling with. Hope. It consumed me. I wanted to be liked, that's the only way to make it, or so I thought. I had no one teaching me what to do, had to figure myself. In the medical industry where terms are foreign language, everyone important disregarded me and thought I was a bimbo. I was. Nurses and receptionists shouted at me, even if they didn't, they gave me a look that I wasn't welcomed. I was thrown out of my first solo OR case. Surgeons didn't give me any time of the day, even if they did, I was told that I was unequipped. So I studied. Slowly I picked up the ropes, saw some progress but the journey was interrupted because of how many eyes were on me and I was always told that I doing something wrong. Eventually the rumours from people who I've never crossed paths with led to my boss. A video of mine was sent with a snarky comment of "You hired someone like that?" I eventually got fired in April just when things were just picking up. I was ridiculed by that enemy in my face. However, this termination of work was merely on the papers, I could work in secret so long as my enemy in my company doesn't know. Everyone else in the company thought I would have left to better companies where politics weren't against me. I lied to all of them saying I've sent countless of resumes out. I applied to none. I barely even looked. I had 1 goal in mind, to prove that I was worthy. Sales were picking up.

This was also the time where help was offered to me. I did bend my ways to get whatever help I could get. I had nothing else to lose, I started being myself. "What's the worst that could happen, what, I'm going to get fired?" Eventually, sales picked up. I forged great relationships with surgeons and nurses, I could see that the very eyes that were once disdained became respect, some even excitement. I even made my biggest competitor a best friend at work. He taught me more than my mentors, my boss did. He even gave me leads. I gave them what they wanted in exchange for what I wanted. People in the industry were talking about my product that I launched from the scratch - "you're going to be the next big thing" "you have so much future here" - Little did they know that I am a 'mistress at work' (working in secret, that once I'm caught, this is done) I was robbed of opportunities because I couldn't attend conferences and be seen in public. I enjoyed work here back then - I attained the salary I've dreamt of, I created a community amongst my competitors. Eventually, I did so well that I was being rehired. On papers.

It was a huge pat on the back. But was I happy? No. I hated myself. I did things out of self loathe. I wanted to be chosen so badly. I fell for someone mid year but he led me on more than he should have. I got over it after because I didn't want to break the rules - don't eat where you shit. The same offer was presented by someone else and I took it, out of self hatred. I broke it.

Fast forward, I still wasn't chosen.

I also haven't gotten remunerated fully.

[weepingwonderlandearthquake]

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As well as, I'm very careful where by I shop.​ I've identified some good websites that offer dependable, high-quality versions of designer luggage.​ You'd be surprised at simply how much study and work they place into their items.​

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And when I can, I get a few unique variations of every bag.​ This way, I can have on a few unique seems to be in exactly the same design and style! Is it possible to visualize, a crocodile tote at some point in addition to a quilted tote the subsequent? Perfection.​

Talking of, I not too long ago acquired a replica shoulder bag and I simply can't get ample of it.​ The craftsmanship is outstanding and It really is so easy to carry about.​ From errands to an evening out, it's so adaptable.​ My good friends are always inquiring me exactly where I bought it.​

I also just purchased a replica duffel bag for my approaching excursions.​ It looks so luxurious and posh! I am so thrilled to show it off another time I'm about the aircraft.​

Oh, and did I point out that reproduction baggage can also be genuinely eco-helpful? It truly is a great way to seem superior and nevertheless be form on the atmosphere.​

Truthfully, I just can't get ample of such baggage.​ With the appear to the feel to the value, They can be simply a smart financial investment.​ Duplicate baggage are my go-to for finishing any search.​

On the subject of getting a great bag without the need of breaking the financial institution, nothing beats a duplicate handbag.​ No matter whether It is an every day tote or maybe a Distinctive occasion shoulder bag, designer-encouraged reproduction baggage are great for any circumstance.​ They hold up For a long time and still glimpse new.​ Furthermore, It really is an eco-pleasant solution to appear superior when saving some cash.​

But regardless of whether I just carry mine close to my home, it however puts a smile on my face! When I unzip a replica bag, It is like using a step back again in time.​ These bags just make me really feel so self-assured and stylish.​

What do you think? Have you ever attempted a duplicate bag?

I entirely adore it when I look for a smooth, elegant and amongst a kind fake bag! It truly is just which i know deep down within that it isn't the real offer, however it even now seems to be rather fantastic.​ Now, prior to I plunge also deep into this subject matter, allow me to just admit The reality that some fake bags look like they are reliable originals, while some.​.​.​ not so much! This is exactly why it's important to buy from trustworthy dealers.​

It is like a chance for sure! It's important to be definitely watchful and know your things in advance of acquiring any fake bag.​ In any other case, you could turn out acquiring ripped off or with a thing that looks very little like the true issue.​ I remember The 1st time I bought a pretend bag, it looked really affordable and failed to even include the right lock and keys.​ The good thing is, I had been ready to return it, prior to it had been far too late!

Now, in the event you wanna take the Risk-free route, you will find selected signals and attributes that will help you ascertain if a bag is actual.​ Seek out the logo's design, sort of material utilised, stitching facts, and of course, the value.​

Also, if it seems also fantastic to generally be legitimate, it most certainly is.​ For example, Should the deal is waaay way too low-cost, then it's time to walk absent.​ Bogus baggage are goal of fraud and scams, moreover they don't include warranties or authenticity assure.​

Another point I constantly do would be to browse assessments and check opinions from anyone who has bought the bag right before.​ This is often one of the better strategies in order to avoid fake designer bags purchasing a phony.​ As well as, It's also possible to go on the internet and compare the genuine and fake design.​

Ultimately, if you still make your mind up to invest in any pretend bag, just know they arrive in various shapes, dimensions, and qualities.​ I've purchased some pretty good faux bags, and Though they don't seem to be prime notch or the real deal, they nevertheless look chic and classy.​ And, it's also a magnificent strategy for accessing designer brands without having spending a buck.​

So, if you're looking for a top quality and unique bag, it is possible to generally take into account buying a phony.​ Just you'll want to Test the details and do more than enough investigate before you make your acquire.​ That way, you will discover an ideal bag at the ideal cost.​

And it won't issue that it is not the actual issue.​ Phony luggage are right here to remain!

When it comes to picking out the suitable bogus bag for me, I like likely for classic and timeless styles.​ They usually tend to look like an genuine authentic and may be used for extended.​ If you are going to rock a fake bag, then Why don't you choose a design that is timeless?

And I need to say, bogus bags Never necessarily must are available monotonous colours or designs.​ You'll be able to go ridiculous and purchase baggage in shiny and bold shades, with furry specifics, and fashionable and eye catching types.​ The possibilities are definitely unlimited, so It truly is fairly fun to explore the several designs, dimensions, and products.​

An additional matter I really appreciate about bogus baggage is that you could get premium quality types without the need of breaking the financial institution.​ Usually, I seek out fake leather-based baggage since they are premium quality and don't require much servicing.​

But my all's time favorite has got being a faux designer bag.​ I really feel like they make me feel so sassy and stylish.​ But, they do feature specific risks as They're easily specific by counterfeiters and frauds.​ This is exactly why it's genuinely essential to make sure that the bag you might be receiving is of high quality and is particularly from a dependable vendor.​

At the conclusion of the day, no matter whether you purchase an actual or pretend bag shouldn't matter as long as you are buying a little something you're keen on and will really use.​ So let's just Opt for it and have People elegant and lively faux luggage!

[faezrblazr]

Beginnings

This seemed like the easiest choice to do a blog. I'm going to throw up just all the thoughts worth throwing up, while I still can, see how it goes.

I've been sober enough to hyper-fixate on reading books, for at least a limited time, and that's made my brain think more like a writer should, so may this be a great exercise. My motivation has always been trash, but this unmooring from this alcoholic situation gives me a never before felt draw to certain things, at least for now. My emotions are complicated, and aren't just shades of excitement and relief at the freedom. Guilt is there. Sadness. Mourning what I wanted, and what I hope for. Because through Alanon, you come to accept that you WON'T get what you want.

And going to Alanon meetings, after seven years of extreme isolation with an alcoholic so dysfunctional they were too sick to live alone, has helped me start expressing myself. I'd say again, but in many ways my need to express myself has not only been building up from a long lifetime of feeling out of place, but because of what led up to and contributed to this situation playing out the way it did, amongst other things such as needing to come to terms with my mortality through the pandemic and the predictable response to it that is till putting people at risk. But of course, when profit is a motive, and cruelty a previously hidden yet now brazenly acceptable goal, what else can be expected? You WON'T get what you want.

As it is, SOMETHING must be different. I'm able to attend meetings where it's mostly women, as is to be expected; I stand out even more. Though I respect people who have gone through some shit, and I was raised around mostly women, so that's enough said; I relate quite well to women, older or otherwise.

Either way, a few days ago on my walk, I was mourning, and feeling guilty towards my "qualifier." It was a deeply sad moment. I remembered how the Buddha named his son "fetter" as he looked towards a future of renunciation.

I'm not comparing myself to the Buddha or saying I'm especially enlightened or anything, but in my weaker moments I do obsess over my friends behavior, and I've been neglecting my needs and responsibilities for so long, I don't live in the common reality anymore. I want to stop his suffering, but for me to not go insane and hurt us, I need to let go of this fetter. I am powerless over his drinking and knowing he is suffering sickens me.

Of course, I realized today, the Buddha'd have to have named his son that DESPITE not wanting to leave him behind. And like the bookmark from my Alanon Welcome Packet I scrapbooked into my journal says, I need to endeavor to do two things I don't want to do every day. But in the end, I'm just coming at it from my point of view: feeling that my friends' death would hurt me too much for me to really Detach. Detach With Love is the phrase in Alanon. I shouldn't assume. I don't know enough, but would like to know how the Buddha felt about leaving his family behind.

This image is from europeanbuddhism.org via https://therevealer.org/many-paths-to-freedom-transgender-buddhism-in-the-united-states/

[whokilledkenney28]

Family Matters

Well today marks our 10 day countdown. I feel like time is now going by faster each day. It's starting to hit that i'm leaving everyone that I love to be with my husband. I know when he signed up for the military that I would have a probability of being relocated somewhere far away. Now that it is happening almost a year later, i'm nervous. I know for our little family it is what is best.

I have been far from certain family before and that has brought me closer to them but this time I will be away from everyone and that scares me. I know that I will be happy because I will get my family family back together but I can't help but think about how lonely it will be without the rest of my family around.

Today I was with some of my sisters neighbors, they have been somewhat around some of the things that have been happening in this past year of my life. I told them today that I was leaving in about a week and a half. They were all so supportive but also sad to see us depart from this neighborhood where our kids have grown close and we all created such an awesome bond.

As im looking at everyone sitting in this circle as we all have different conversations amongst each other, I realize that I will not get this again until I come to visit. I am so grateful to have met such amazing people here. Everyone is just amazing. I then think how much older I have gotten and how much I have matured because I finally have people around meh age who only want the best for me and meh kids.

My kids are excited about leaving and it hasn't hit them that they are leaving the rest of their family. I want them to understand that they are leaving for a long time and it will be harder to communicate because of the time difference. Since they are kids, they really don't understand that it will be a long time before we get to be around them again.

My husband is telling me everything is going to be fine, but of course knowing me, I always find something to stress over. Not because I want to but because I have worries. I know that all he wants is his family back and I completely understand. This is the moment have been waiting for since he left for bootcamp almost a year ago. I know when I get there I will miss my family so much but I will also be happy because I can finally have my best friend and soul mate back in my life again.

Either way I am trying to look at the bright side of things and stay positive, which is something I am not use to. I want everything to work itself out and keep my faith but also not have too much hope because I don't want to let myself down holding such high expectations. Knowing that everything is going to workout the best it can will be enough for me. Seeing my kids being with their Dad again is also something I can't wait for since they haven't seen him in so long. I hope everyone had a great Sunday!!!

Love always,

One Nervous Mommy