#they should have just hired a fat actor to play him all the way back in the first movie eggman has alwyas been fat you cowards

[sonknuxadow]

hmm.. according to some of the posts im seeing describing the teaser that was shown they finally made robotnik fat in the next movie... on one hand i hate skinny eggman but on the other hand i hate the idea of them making him gain weight as a sign hes getting worse . why couldnt they just make him fat from the start ..... weird decisions being made here

[absolutebl]

This Week in BL

May 2021 Wk 4

Being a highly subjective assessment of one tiny corner of the interwebs.

Ongoing Series - Thai

Close Friend Ep 6 fin: (Imagine You/KimmonCopter) - Fan gets a VR of his idol, they fall in love, but does it transfer to reality? A unique story and great casting of Kim & Cop into roles that stretched both actors. My favorite of the series and a good closer. Close Friend as a whole is so uneven I can’t recommend it, but individual episodes (3 MaxNat, 5 JimmyTommy, 6 KimCop) are okay.

Top Secret Together Ep 3 - no subs as yet but I still found it enjoyable. I like this series, it’s quiet. Sure, the only really unique touches are the office setting and the gay advice dads, but honestly I’LL TAKE IT. Of course my favorite couple is the hazer + freshie back at uni. What can I say? I’m a sucker for the old OLD tropes. (Should I just do a SOTUS+S rewatch this weekend to get it out of my system?) 

Y-Destiny Ep 9 - Look, I’m just not a fan of the rake archetype BUT my favorite combo for this is another player, and BL almost never does that. But ta da! Y-D wins with f-buds + high heat pulp (well I suppose this is university-set Cheewin). I don’t love honest-gay messy in a long haul series (Friendzone... shudder) but I don’t mind it in short form. So I think this may be my favorite installment in this series so far.

Fish Upon The Sky Ep 8 - *big fat sigh* I thought they were going to redeem Pi by having him be genuinely nice to Meen, but no it was all to do with a dumb pin. Even though he suffers from crazy stalking in this ep, I still don’t like Pi but I’m TOTALLY on his side. Is FUTS taking us on a light weight The Effect journey? Because at this juncture I think I’d prefer that. 

Nitiman Ep 4 - honestly it’s like Nitiman is vested in showing FOTS exactly what it’s doing wrong. Both shows introduced faen fatales this week. But Nitiman did theirs with a sympathetic character, genuine interest on both sides, bisexual confusion, and sweetness. In every way the opposite of (and superior to) FOTS. Even claiming, outing, and stalker characters are happening but treated differently. It’s like parallel universes. Not sure how I feel about the ending kiss though. Still, this is my favorite currently airing show. I look forward to @heretherebedork explaining to me my own feelings and why I want to forgive Bbomb the kiss but not Mork for anything. Since I’m evidently morally hypocritically confused. 

Ongoing Series - Not Thai

Love is Science? (Taiwan) Ep 10 (BL subplot) - Taiwan is experiencing a C19 surge right now so this series will be delayed at least 20 days. 

Be Loved in House: I Do (Taiwan) Ep 3 - dropped with subs thank heavens, all the usual tropes when you pair grumpy + tsundere: challenges, bets, crashing into beds, veiled threats... oh my! Gay boys in stripped sweaters giving advice in cafes is my new favorite thing. It’s the BL version of the “bartender is my psyche” trope. Still finding the boss character creepy. About Hank Wang (plays Shi Lei) anyone else obsessed with his sanpaku eyes? Just me? Fair. Also he keeps reminding me of Pluem Purim, I have no idea why. Something in the mannerisms, I think. They don’t really look alike. (This show may also be delayed.)

My Lascivious Boss (Vietnam) Ep 8 - continues to be good, we now have 2 faen fatales, blackmail, worried friends, and the secret identity slowly devolving. Looks like we get at least two more episodes and could be as many as 12? Very much enjoying this show. 

Most Peaceful Place 2 (Vietnam) Ep 3 (AKA 6) fin - it was fine, they always rush the ending a bit in Vietnamese BL. I found the first season much stronger than this second one over all. But since they aired in the same year and there’s only six total I feel like they should be judged as a whole. So I guess I’ll say, RECOMMENDED with serious pacing issues and some plot drag particularly in the second half. 

Gossip 

The cast of Until We Meet Again met together, ostensibly for their own amusement but speculation is that it has something to do with Between Us AKA Hemp Rope. 

Breaking News

Singto’s next starring role BL got announced Paint With Love. Between him and Ohm, they seem to be attempting to corner the market. I’m in favor. Singto plays Met, a wedding organizer, who hires Phap, a poor artist, to work on a wedding painting. Phap messes something up and ends up having to work for Med on a more permanent basis. Yet another office set BL from Thailand, following in Japan and Taiwan’s well suited footsteps... we hope. Phap is played by Tae (the original Forth in 2 Moons). No side dishes announced as yet. 

Pornographer Playback is airing, the third in the series from Japan (first 2 = The Pornographer AKA The Novelist & Mood Indigo). Not recommended unless you want non-BL gay cinema with high heat, and don’t mind the mess Japan always doles out to go with it. Such as: morally flexible characters, crass manipulation, gaslighting, cheating, seduction of a minor, so much smoking, het porn, and ambiguous, sad, or depressing endings. Part one of this final installment has dropped, part two is not yet available. No subs (even if they say they have them, they’re autiogen nonsense.) 

Next Week Looks Like This:

Some shows may be listed later than actual air date for International accessibility reasons.

Things are looking dire. What will we do with our lives? 

Upcoming 2021 BL master post here.

Links to watch are provided when possible, ask in a comment if I missed something.

[omgthatdress]

How to make Cats a good movie.

I watched Cats, and once I got over the initial horror, I was actually pretty entertained and found myself enjoying the shit out of it. Like god bless it, for as nightmare-inducing as much as it was, Tom Hooper was clearly *committed* to his vision and you gotta give him credit for that. The scenery was actually really beautiful and the cinematography was frequently breathtaking. Like it really did have a lot of elements that really worked for it. But for every bit of genius, there was something terrible that the movie just couldn’t overcome. So let’s dive in.

First of all, you kind of have to understand Cats: the musical. It’s an adaptation of poems that T.S. Elliott of nihilistic lost generation fame wrote for his godchildren about cats. And the poetry is charming af and totally captures the nature of cats and why they’re so lovable. In the in the 1970s, Andrew Lloyd Webber did a shit ton of cocaine and decided to make a musical out of these poems. As a result, Cats has no plot. It’s a bunch of cats singing their songs about who they are and doing a lot of dancing. The thinnest of narrative devices is created with the “jellicle” ball and the deciding of which cat gets to ascend to heaven or some shit. So yeah. Cats is actually pretty controversial among theater nerds, it’s very much a you either love it or hate it thing. Is it stupid? Yes.  Is it going to make everyone happy? No. Does it lend itself well to film adaptation? fuck no. I get the feeling that Tom Hooper was really going for deep, meaningful poetic cinema here and trying to make another Les Mis (which was way overly long and ultimately sank under its own sheer weight as a movie and probably is better viewed as a play). I’m operating under the assumption that Hooper was going for ground-breaking cinema that would have made millions and swept up during awards season and cemented him as a legendary director and gone down in movie history, because every little detail of Cats is clearly meant for maximum impact. You kind of need to drop all expectations going into Cats, so once you’re there, you can have fun with it. So how do you make it a good film?

1. The HORRIBLE hyper-realistic cgi human-cat hybrids. YES, it’s a technical marvel, and the CGI artists who made it all deserve a ton of credit for the work they did. And I understand why the actors were kept in their human shapes: live dance is a huge part of what makes Cats work. One of the smart decisions made was hiring theater veterans for the filler roles in the cat chorus, so when you have the choreographed numbers, it’s really spectacular. It’s just the end result was way too uncanny valley and bizarre for any of the film’s good parts to ever rise above it. I think a minimalist approach would have actually worked best. Cat ears and simple costumes with clean lines that show off the dancer’s bodies. Go for the suggestion of cats, and kind of let the viewer’s imagination take over, and showcase the cat’s personality. A huge part of what I enjoyed was hearing the poetry and imagining these cats and how they all relate to cats I’ve known. The dance and the music helped heighten this experience, but hybrids kept reminding me of the joke: what do you get when you cross a human and a cat? An immediate cessation of funding and a stern rebuke from the ethics committee.

2. The schlocky, honestly amateurish attempts at slapstick humor. I’m gonna come out and say it and say that Hooper is pretty deeply entrenched in *dRaMa* and has no sense of how comedy works. There was a lot of added in comedic bits from Rebel Wilson and James Corden, and it was honestly terrible. I mean really, a crotch hit? That kind of lowbrow comedy is so crude and base that it’s actually really hard to pull it off well. Slapstick comedy actually lends itself to the whimsical tone, and slapstick done well can be utterly sublime, but Cats seemed satisfied that fat people falling over is the height of comedy and should be left at that. And a second note on the comedy? Weirdly fat-shame-y. A saw a post about how odd it is to see James Corden, who has been very frank about how he’s struggled with dieting and come to accept that his body is fat and can’t be made not fat, playing this role where fat is added to his body, his CGI vest strains at the buttons, and he’s literally stuffing his face with garbage. The theme of fat people as lazy, stupid, and slovenly carried over from Rebel Wilson’s role, in which she also plays a fat lazy cat who is leaned on heavily for comic relief. I know the role is about a fat cat, and gently laughing at a fat lazy cat who loves to eat is fine, but, speaking as a fat person myself, this felt like a gleeful exploitation of a nasty and cruel stereotype. James Corden and Rebel Wilson are both extraordinarily funny people who happen to be fat, and their comedic gifts were tremendously mis-used here, reducing them to simply two fat bodies to be laughed at.

3. Jennifer Hudson. She’s a talented actress who can sing and emote like a motherfucker. And emote she did. She was clearly GOING for that second Oscar. I really don’t want to call her performance bad. The same level of emotion, tears running and snot flowing, in another movie, would have been devastating (Hello, Viola Davis in Fences). But this isn’t Fences, it’s fucking Cats. You need a level of character depth and development that Cats doesn’t afford to make those tears hit. All the crying and misery was an odd maudlin and over-dramatic break in the fun and whimsy. With a subtler performance and a hint of self-awareness, it could have actually brought in an emotional anchor for this light-as-air film, but Cats doesn’t make any attempt at nuance, and as a result the scenes just hit you out of nowhere like a load of bricks. 

4. Francesca Hayward. Okay, before we go anywhere, I want to say that this girl is not un-talented. She’s the principal ballerina of the Royal Ballet, and has a very long list of ballets that she’s lead in. So it makes sense that she’d be hired for a role that’s primarily ballet. This girl is a really really great DANCER. But Cats was clearly trying to make an A-list actress out of her. They tried to make her into Florence Pugh, who has been acting for a while and is blowing up right now because she’s very talented. Like everything about Francesca’s role in the film said “This is a star-making role.” A new song was written just for her to sing as an addendum to Cats’s show-stopping signature song. But the song was just okay, it didn’t carry nearly the emotional weight or all-around beauty of “Memories,�� and all in all felt wedged-in and totally unnecessary and really just felt like a grab at that “best original song” Oscar. Francesca’s voice is high, thin, and child-like. It’s not unpleasant, but next to the richness and depth of Jennifer Hudson’s voice, it crumbles, and it’s not the sort of voice that I want to seek out to listen to over and over again. As for her overall performance, she largely keeps the same look of wide-eyed wonder throughout her numerous close-ups, so much so that I found myself thinking of the the MST3K “dull surprise” sketch. But I don’t know if that’s really entirely her fault. There was an attempted romantic storyline with the magic cat, but again, because of the nature of Cats and its lack of real character development or depth, the chemistry fell flat. There really isn’t much of a chance to show off a lot of dramatic range, so to keep going back to her character, it kept reinforcing the one-notedness of her performance. Really, I just kept wanting to see Francesca dance. Ironically, I think they really blew an opportunity trying to make an A-list actress out of her. All she really need to make people want to see more of her is one spectacular dance number, but for some reason, she never really gets that show-stopping moment. 

5. Dignity? I guess this goes back to the whole CGI cat thing, but there were a lot of moments when I felt this tremendous wave of second-hand embarrassment hit me on behalf of the talented actors in this film. Watching Gandalf lap up milk from a saucer was a wholly uncomfortable experience, like come on, grant the great Ian McKellan some fucking DIGNITY here. Which goes back to whatI said earlier that a suggestion and interpretation of cats would have worked better than all-out just being a cat. Or it could again just be how much Cats just fails its attempts at comedy. But then again there was no fucking reason at all for Idris Elba to be that fucking NAKED. I guess they were trying to make him sexy? But his sexy smolder and just being Idris Elba wasn’t enough they had to make sure that we all saw his chiseled pecs and thick thighs. And then at the end when he’s dangling off of the rope of a hot air balloon and what’s supposed to be a funny scene, I think, I kept thinking “I’m so sorry this is happening to you, Idris.” 

There’s a bunch of other small, nit-picky things that I could go into. Those cockroaches would have worked so much better if they weren’t humans with an extra set of arms. Watching them get eaten was some horror movie shit. Taylor Swift’s Macavity song would have worked a lot better if the cat chorus full of cats we’ve gotten to know had sung it, but instead Taylor Swift is brought in as a new cat we don’t know whose only purpose is to sing the Macavity song? but of course a big oscar-bait movie needs to have that pop star that draws in the people who wouldn’t otherwise see it and making her a part of the cat chorus would have had her performing throughout the whole movie and she would have floundered the way pop stars tend to do when performing musical theater around a bunch of musical theater actors. So I guess I get why she was thrown in.

So.... yeah? Is there anyone else who found themselves enjoying it in spite of everything? I’m glad I have dogs and didn’t have to watch this mess with actual cats around me.

[dwkinternational]

DWK Podcast - recap

Mika Braun is the costume designer since the very beginning. She created the Look of the wild soccer bunch in the first, second, third and fifth movies. Her costumes influenced and even changed the book covers and the Illustrations of Jan Birck. When it came to the creation of your own world, she was a great teacher for Joachim Masannek.

She basically created the whole look of the wild soccer bunch, according to Masannek

He distinctively remembers their trial and error while trying to get a hairstyle for Leons character, because they wanted him to look like the real Leon and he and Jimi didn’t really look alike (They even tried to colour his hair blonde)

Joachim Masannek and Mika Braun first met at Samfilm

She originally was there for a meeting to talk about a different Movie that was going to be produced, but the people in charge didn’t think she was capable enough, she hadn’t brought her portfolio with her because it was all very rushed

When she met with Joachim however they instantly clicked, they got along great and knew what they wanted to make was going to be Mad Max for Kids. She did bring her portfolio with her this time but he didn’t even want to take a look inside

Because she had worked on a lot of projects regarding TV and advertisements he had a lot of respect for her previous work and felt like he couldn’t judge it as he had never made a movie before, only short films

To him it only mattered that they got along and that he had the feeling he could trust her since they were making something new that may have been made before, but not in that way

She also felt that they were eye to eye as she had also never done a movie for cinemas before. The whole process was not about her experiences and what she was capable of or not capable of, but about him developing this Idea and how they were adapting that together. To her that was so special about these movies, that you could see that everyone put their heart and soul into it

At least you saw it with the german crew. When they were shooting in Prag, they had a few problems. One of the Camera assitants just forgot that the camera was running and when Masannek reviewed the footage (back then it was on VHS) the take was 20 Minutes long.

Another example is one Woman in the costume department who always called people “Darling”:

They were searching for the kids helmets one time and the Woman kept saying the helmets are props and the backpacks are part of the costume, darling until Masannek got so fed up that he took the helmets once they were found and said “Look, darling. I’ll take your darn helmets now and put them into the darn backpacks and then its your problem where they are”

Braun says that that happens quite often during shooting in foreign countrys, because they have differently distributed teams and work with different systems

It just happened to Mika that she was baffled that the crew she was working in had no Parasols for the actors even in 40 degree heat or if it was raining, they didn’t care and said that its not their job. Even though in america for example they have a position (personl assistant) just for that. Or you have someone for directing assistance or Script or Continuity. But to her suprises like that are whats so nice about the job

During Masanneks last Movie Luliane Susewind they were shooting in Aachen but also in Belgium and he also had to learn a few things:

the first one was that the Makeup artist didn’t do the hair of the actors, they found out two to three weeks before the shooting started and had to hire an extra Hair stylist

the second things was that part of the crew just take three weeks of vacation unannounced and their replacement doesn’t have a clue about anything and Masannek showed up at the set one day and his costume designer was nowhere to be found and when he asked where she is he got told “Uh...shes on vacation”

Mika was very glad that the second wild soccer bunch movie was shot in Bavaria, not in the Czech Republic, because she was able to bring her team with her.

To the kids the shooting of the second movie was the most fun, but to Masannek it was the most exhausting to the point he thought he never wanted to make a kids movie again

He was like, well, the first movie was so exhausting and complicated and he wouldn’t have to work as hard with the second one.He worried that that movie wouldn’t be as good because he felt like he wasn’t putting enough effort into it and it didn’t seem as complicated

but then Mika Braun invited him to a flea market in Braunau and he thought it would be great to do something else than the movie for a day, he would find something nice to buy and she showed him a lot of nice stuff

that day Masannek found out what making a movie does to someone because he was going through the flea market but couldn’t see anything other than the movie and couldn’t focus on anything

although he did buy something that he found ten years later in his basement when he moved (it was around a 120 Whistles although he does not remember why he bought them)

They mentioned their Vision of Mad Max earlier and Sascha Heimanns asks them how they get from an Idea to the finished product, like the helmets they talked about or the necklaces

Mika answers that there is a whole development process behind everything. It starts with her reading the script and getting an Idea of what something looks like, she discusses that with Joachim who tells her about how they are basically all in black and have these logos, but everyone has their special thing and they search together for what fits best

She will never forget the discussion about Staraja Riba. Originally she thought that the witch was supposed to be big and terrifying like the thunderbolt giants, so that the kids would feel small next to her or no one would be afraid of her

Joachim insisted that she should crawl over the ground like a spider and in the end she thought it was good that they did it his way because it was the scariest thing in the whole movie series to her and that was one instance where they didn’t have the same opinion

The Staraja Riba thing was overall difficult to get righ tin the end

Because Buena Vista didn’t want the director to attend the test screening ( although he was present during the screening of the first movie and that went pretty well) Masannek was offended and they hired a different director who went to cut the scene differently. The producers said that the scene with the witch wasn’t believable or scary anymore and Joachim got to fix it

He thinks the bravest thing they did was the scene with the love letter and the glowing hearts, he originally wasn’t allowed to do that scene because it was a “boys movie” and the audience wouldn’t like it

They did a test screening for an audience that only consisted of boys without approval of the producers and the feedback was good except for the love letter scene which the boys didn’t like

Another thing that was difficult was the paint the actors had on during the scene where the bunch plays against the SV 1906. That originally took too much effort and time to do (because drawing the markings for everyone took 4 hours and taking it off took 4 hours also Sarah was allergic to the paint) but Joachim just decided they were going to do it anyways

Mika said that she appreciated the fantastical aspect of the movies, to try something that hasn’t been done before and that that was probably what the kids found so fascinating and fun

To her it was very special to work on it even though it was relatively low-budget

because of that for example they spent whole nights painting Logos on T-Shirts

Joachim said that she played a huge role in the evolution of the Logo itself, the first thing she put the minimalistic Logo on was the black shirt Maxi wears at the beginning of the third Movie

It was her idea to only put the eye and the teeth on there and that has been adapted for Merchandise ever since

Sascha asks why Mika hasn’t worked on the fourth and sixth movie

When they were shooting the fourth movie in Mai 2006 she was in Kenia to adopt her daughter and because she spent 7 Months there she wasn’t able to work on the movie

But she said Susann Bieling did a great job with that movie

She shared the 5th one with Andrea Spanier because her daughter was still so small that she felt like she wouldn’t be able to do it alone

These are some of her costume designs for the 5th movie, for Leon and Klette

They worked so well together that Mika sais she was spoiled afterwards and when she went on to another production it didn’t go as smoothly anymore

That production was Gangs, for which they also asked Joachim Masannek if he wanted to work on it, but he was in contract with Constantin Film for Wildernacht

For the sixth movie Mika was also unavailable due to another production she had already agreed to

Question:

Sibille 24 years old: She grew up with the wild soccer bunch and because they talked about the new series in the last podcast episode, she wanted to say that she thinks the idea is great. The bunch has been inspiring to her back then and thinks that the bunch is a great role-model with their creativity and bravery. She would be thrilled about a new series.

Answer:

The Procuders originally wanted to retell a story in the vein of the first and second movies but Joachim said he is sick of writing that fight against fat Michi over and over so they decided on something new

The story will take place in Berlin

The Kids will come from different social backgrounds

One boy will be the son of a Maori Woman, who came to germany when she was 17 years old and pregnant

His dad was a german tourist but he dumped his Mom

She currently lives in Marzahn and has her own Tattoostudio

The boy wants to become the best Goalkeeper in the World

hes very stubborn but a great guy overall

Then there is a girl whose Mother is a turkish Policewoman and she lives in an allotment garden

they hear about this hidden world of the wild bunch in which Kids can fight to do what what they believe in

The series will be called “Forever wild”

Its still rooted in what has already been established

there will be some characters from the movies but they will appear in a different way than how we know them

He said that the girl that asked the question is over 20 and that generation is exactly who they want to do the series for

Mika chimes in to say that back then the movies created a boom and more girls started to play soccer

She said its never wrong to challenge society and gender stereotypes

Joachim says that to him its very fascinating that times are getting more conservative and we are not living in a world anymore where little boys have to be raised by a woman

He said that the perspective of society is different right now with metoo for example and that its an exciting challenge to define what a role model is

To question what is a boy, what is a girl, what is a man or woman?

One family in the series he is planning consists of a native american father and a mother who is a descendant of the Aborigines

They live in Spandau and have an indian daughter and a son who is african

The parents take turns on who is leading the company and who is taking care of the kids, to them every job is equal and everyone has to take on some responsibility

Masannek says he notices even with his little Kids (his 9 years old daughter and his 2 years old son) that they already want to know what exactly a woman is or a man is

He wants his kids to develop freely and once they know what the stereotypes are they can decide to not support these stereotypes anymore

Mika Braun agrees that these topics are very important right now and that it is a responsibility of all creatives and all the tolerant folks to take on these kinds of topics so that the conservative ideals don’t take root

And thats it for Episode 29!

[mst3kproject]

622: Angels Revenge

I would pay folding money for a half-hour gag reel of all the times Mike swung too hard or in the wrong direction or the wind was wrong and he took off Crow’s head.  It had to happen at least twice.  MST3K was not known for the sturdiness or sophistication of their props and we love them for it.

A fourteen-year-old boy steals some stuff from a drug dealer who looks an awful lot like Ben Murphy.  In revenge, Fake Ben Murphy and Actual Jack Palance beat the shit out of him. This upsets both the kid’s sister, an up-and-coming musician, and his schoolteacher, and they hatch a plot to destroy the drug depot.  They recruit a few friends – a Hollywood stuntwoman, a karate teacher, a model, a cop, and one of the teacher’s students – and steal some ammo from a bunch of neo-Nazis, and then it’s on to beat up the druggies!

I guess the idea behind this movie is fairly sound – a group of women get together to do a job the men aren’t willing to do.  The question of just why the men aren’t willing to do it is an open one.  Do the drug dealers own the police or something?  I dunno.  At the time it came out, Angels Revenge was panned as a ripoff of Charlie’s Angels, which it most unquestionably is, but there’s a reason that was a successful formula: women enjoy movies in which women kick ass, and men enjoy looking at boobs.  In the right hands, it would still have been a ripoff, but it could have been a much better ripoff.  Unfortunately, the grubby hands it got into were those of Greydon Clark.

The opening of this movie is a series of annoying missteps. A group of women we do not know (we’re not even sure how many there are) invade a gas station in the middle of nowhere and start blowing stuff up.  Their names are given in the opening shot but not in a way that makes them memorable. One character apparently dies, the others go on without her, and then she reappears to save the day.  None of this makes much of an impression beyond ‘oh, look, tits’, but we can tell they’re trying to get into the main building.  We get into it just enough that we want to see what’s inside, and then bam. Freeze-frame, narration.

The time for this would have been about five minutes earlier. Seriously, this ‘action opening’, obviously patterned after things like James Bond, goes on for five minutes at least in which we don’t really know what’s happening or who any of these characters are.  If we had just one to focus on that might help, but we’re watching six or seven of them run around doing different things and we don’t even know what their plan is so we can’t tell if it’s going right or wrong.  The whole sequence should have been either massively cut down to just enough to tell us action is happening before it goes into the flashback, or just moved in its entirety to its proper place later in the narrative.

Then when we finally do start meeting the characters, the first one we meet is not the one who began narrating a moment earlier!  It’s the beat-up kid’s sister, the one who so-far looked like she was in charge. Finding out she’s secondary in the whole plot is a bit of whiplash, and as far as I can tell the main purpose of the Vegas sequence (besides showing us her midriff) is to give a cameo to Arthur Godfrey as himself.

From there the rest of the characters are introduced and we finally find out who the hell they all are and what they bring to the table.  April, the teacher, is the mastermind. Michelle, the singer, is the backer. Terry, the stuntwoman, is their engineer.  Keiko, the karate teacher, is the hand-to-hand fighter.  Maria, the model, is a distraction.  Elaine, the cop, is the tactician.  And Trish, the student, is… uh… somebody wanted a kid in this movie. The point is, if you go back and watch the opening sequence after the bit where everybody’s introduced, it’s much more involving and makes infinitely more sense!  They could have had five minutes of action, but they gave us five minutes of boredom just by putting it in the wrong spot!

After some of the movies I’ve see, incidentally, it is a point very much to this movie’s credit that I remember everybody’s names.  Well done, Angels Revenge!

That does not, however, outweigh the many other things the movie does badly.  The actresses are mere eye candy, hired for their looks and not for their talent.  They stand around in ‘sexy’ poses without bras on, and recite their lines like they’re in an eighth-grade play.  Even so, they’re better than the men, who are just as bad at acting but aren’t distractingly nice to look at.  The best actor in the entire movie is Alan Hale Jr and he’s only got about three lines.

Then there are the bits where the movie tries to be funny.  The Neo-Nazis are supposed to be funny, which I’m honestly okay with – Hitler hated being made fun of and so it’s the responsibility of all right-thinking citizens to mock him and his movement whenever possible.  But they aren’t funny, just a bunch of fat clumsy guys with Hitler mustaches.  I don’t know how people who make movies fail to understand that in order to be funny, characters have to do funny things.  Both the Neo-Nazis and other ‘comic’ male characters in the movie are presented simply as ‘lol, men are oafs, right girls?’ without any attempt at an actual punchline.

Another running gag is April, who insists she’s a Very Organized Person, and her over-full purse.  That’s not really funny, but I can’t argue with it.  Two years ago I bought a bag big enough to hold my knitting and I haven’t seen the bottom of it since.  Someday I’ll be rooting around for something, fall in, and end up in Narnia.

The sequence in which they rob the Nazis does provide some action and acts as a trial run to show us the women can work together successfully.  But we already saw that in the out-of-place opening sequence, so it’s not really establishing anything we didn’t already know.  The fact that we’ve also seen what comes after also tells us that they will succeed at this mission with nobody getting hurt (not that these idiots they’re robbing are in any way a threat), and sucks all the suspense out.  Man, the longer I think about it, the more ways in which that opening makes the movie worse!  Whose idea was that anyway?

The characters are stereotypes, boring at best and deeply offensive at worst. The black woman is six feet tall and works on vehicles, because black women are butch!  The Asian girl knows martial arts and uses a katana, because she’s Asian (and although she’s said to be from Vietnam, she has a Japanese name… it’s possible to come up with a backstory for her that incorporates this, but that’s not my job as an audience member)!  The white women are bitches and bimbos, more distinguishable by their hair than by their personalities.  April is presented as ‘the mousy one’ simply by not wearing lipstick on a heist.

I guess by having tough women and weak men, the writers thought they were being feminist, or at least appealing to feminists, but that’s not how feminism works on any level.  Strength and intelligence isn’t pizza – you getting an extra slice doesn’t mean I don’t get one.  Portraying the male antagonists as buffoons is actually deeply misogynistic, because it suggest that women can’t even play unless the men are idiots.  The point of feminism is that women are people just as much as men are, and deserve to be treated as such – by other women, by men, and by screenwriters.

Let me illustrate with an example from the opposite extreme: Elinor and Marianne Dashwood from Sense and Sensibility are sisters who each need to get married for the sake of their financial security. That might seem a very sexist premise for a story – and it is, but only because it takes place in a sexist culture. Elinor and Marianne have distinct personalities and different ideas of what makes a happy marriage, and they make decisions as individuals, not simply because they are ‘women’.  Each makes her own mistakes and learns her own life lessons, and the narrative explores what society has taught them to expect out of life versus the less romantic reality.  They are two human beings.  The characters in Angels Revenge, by contrast, are a bunch of pretty props.

It would have been so easy to make something actually enjoyable out of Angels Revenge.  As I noted above, it uses a successful formula and it really could have been a fun little piece of exploitation cinema.  Every decision made along the way, however, seems designed to sabotage it.  It’s badly-written, lifeless, cliched, racist, and based on a fundamental misunderstanding of feminism.  They hired women with no acting experience to play the main characters, and can’t decide which of those characters is our heroine. And of course, they edited it together in the wrong order, confusing and boring us and undermining what should have been important and suspenseful scenes.  This sort of thing just leaves me frustrated and annoyed.  You’re making a movie, people!  Could you not put a little fucking effort in?!

[mithrilwren]

Movie breakdown number 2 of the day! I just saw Cats! I really enjoyed it! Let’s go!

Ok, so like, I don’t really know how to structure this, so I’m just going to go song by song and bookend it by general thoughts!

Overall, the uncanny valley I was expecting got pretty bearable within the first few minutes. The tail twitches got me at first, but I ended up really liking what they did with the CGI portions of the costumes, particularly the emotive ears (especially on Victoria, who just wins for emotiveness overall). I think the reason it feels strange in the first scene in particular is that we’re still in a relatively... tame setting? Like, we see Victoria flung from a bag into a regular old street, and so we haven’t got that heightened sense of reality yet, the kind that really kicks off as soon as we jump into The Old Gumbie Cat and things get real wack-a-doodle. The film’s commitment to outrageous sets and acting and choreography and ridiculousness really works with the CGI - I don’t think you could do one without the other. Like @paladinical said, you’ve just got to buy in.

Alright, to the songs!

Jellicle Songs for Jellicle Cats - I did not expect to get drawn in so quickly, but as soon as the first strains of this song hit, I was flung backwards in time to being seven and watching the Cats stage movie for the first time. I must confess, I got chills at the line “Do you know how to get to the Heavyside Layer?” It was also pretty clear to me from this song that they actually hired very talented singers, whose vocal quality doesn’t feel out of place in this sort of broadway production (more on that later). Don’t get me wrong, I LOVED Tom Hooper’s Les Mis with all my heart, but if I could name one weakness about that film, it was a lack of vocal cohesion. The actors might have been alright singers in their own right, but they certainly didn’t have tone qualities that blended together nicely (with the exception of Les Amis, who not coincidentally, I think, were primarly made up of theatre actors). I was really impressed with how well everyone matched here. This is also the first time we get to see ‘main cat dude’ (apparently his name is...  Munkustrap????? idk man I don’t remember them mentioning his name). That character has to be able to carry the entire structure of the musical on charisma alone, and man does this actor deliver. Instantly engaging, might be my favourite voice of the whole cast. Definitely a good choice for the part. 

Naming of the Cats - creepy, just as it should be. I was already really happy here with what they chose to do re. Victoria as POV character. Getting to see her reactions - fear morphing into delight - really helps bring the audience along on the journey.

The Old Gumbie Cat - I always find it unfortunate that this is the first big cat song of the musical, because I (personally) find it the least interesting of the whole bunch - I never cared for it in the movie version either. And this is where I come back to vocal cohesion from above - I like Rebel Wilson well enough as an actor, but I found her the weakest vocalist of the movie. Comparatively, her singing sounded thin, and surprisingly pitchy in parts, and I was a little worried going out of this song that that’s what I’d have to expect from the rest of the famous contingent of the cast. Luckily, that turned out not to be true, but it couldn’t rescue this song for me. 

The Rum Tum Tugger - Fun fact, the first time I was ever called a bitch in my memory, it was for telling a girl in high school that Jason DeRulo just Wasn’t That Good. (In hindsight, I deserved it - I was kind of being a dick about it.) Anyways, I actually loved him here! I found his Rum Tum Tugger a little more endearing than the stage film - I got the sense that the other cats weren’t so much swooning/orgasming over him, as just humouring his antics, like any good friends would. He had a really pleasant sound, and his dance movies were great. I also just really enjoyed seeing him in the background of other scenes. That’s another overall comment, I liked how the cast so much felt like a CAST, rather than a bunch of individual actors here to sing their big parts and be done. You got to see these big names playing background in other peoples’ scenes! That was cool!

Gonna skip over Memory for now

Grizabella the Glamour Cat - Not too much to say on this one, other than it was interesting that this film actually gave the rest of the cats a reason to hate her, other than her being ugly and old. She joined with Macavity! Though they must have had a falling out. I do love Victoria as the newcomer, and the bridge who is able to see Grizabella with fresh eyes.

Bustapher Jones - I actually quite like this song, and thought it started strong. Maybe this is just my prior expectations creeping in, but I always liked the idea of Bustapher Jones as this legitimately dignified, if a little stuffy, cat, that the others respect and only affectionately rib at. I’m not sure how I feel about his transformation to absolute buffoonery here - no, that’s a lie. I didn’t like it. I wish they hadn’t gone for the cheap ‘oh he’s fat’ laughs. I think they could have done something more clever with it. _shruggie_

Mungojerrie and Rumpelteazer - I confess, the first part of this song threw me, because it sounded so different to what I remembered. I actually listened to the original soundtrack version on the bus ride home, and was doubly confused to find the two matched pretty well. Finally, I watched the stage movie version, and I saw what the disconnect was. The stage movie had, at least from what I could tell, a fair bit more syncopation, and both the OST and this movie kept the meter straight, which made the two sound slightly less off-kilter than I was expecting. That being said, once I got past the difference, this might be my favourite scene-by-scene shot of all the cat songs. It was just so much fun. I adore the idea of sweet Victoria having genuine fun making trouble with these two screwballs, who as much as they’re working with Macavity at times, don’t seem to have bad hearts past wanting to make mischief. I was smiling the whole way through.

Old Deuteronomy - Aka the song where I fell asleep the first time I watched this movie. I had forgotten Judi Dench was playing the character! She definitely elevated the part for me - solemn but playful, and affectionate in a way that makes me understand why the other cats respect her.

The Jellicle Ball - Man, this choreography was real good. Victoria, again, stands out - her movement quality is just beautiful, so strong and fluid, and charismatic cat dude is back at it again!

Beautiful Ghosts - If we’re going to go back to comparisons between this and Les Mis, I do think this new song fits better into the makeup of the play than Suddenly did there. Victoria has a very sweet voice, and her continually reaching out to Grizabella has to be one of the most emotionally affecting parts of the whole movie. She just wants her to come inside, like she was welcomed inside! It’s so sweet and good!

Gus the Theatre Cat - Speaking of emotionally affecting, Ian McKellan went for it, eh? I didn’t even remember this song existed, but McKellan’s earnestness really shone through and made it something special.

Skimbleshanks - Another song I didn’t remember existing! And will probably forget again come nightfall, but I thought the sound design in the railway tapping sequence was super cool.

Macavity - I didn’t even realize that was Taylor Swift until halfway through the song, so kudos to her! (Another fun fact: I once sang this song for an audition and got totally lambasted by the directors because it apparently shows off nothing about your vocal range or ability. Which, again, fair.) This song is delighfully campy, and it was so fun to finally get to see Macavity out of the shadows. Idris Elba was clearly having fun for this whole film, and I loved watching him be deliciously evil.

Mr. Mistofelees - This is definitely a departure from what I remember from the stage show, which is... nothing. I vaguely remember Mr. Mistofeless sort of being a non-entity in the actual story, as much as I liked his song. They did a better job in this movie of setting him up with an actual presence in other parts of the film, so when we get to this elevated, suddenly-plot-relevant rendition, we actually care about him and want him to succeed.

Memory - I straight up didn’t like this song going in. I’ve never liked it. I found it trite, and boring, and could not comprehend why it was so popular. Congratulations, Jennifer Hudson, for making me start to get it. Mostly, though, the biggest thing that I think made a huge difference in how much more I liked this song here than I have before, is that they made the line “Touch me!” mean something. There’s so much in the language of touch in this film, that’s been firmly established before we get to this song. The cats nuzzle, they dance together, they lie together, they mimic each other. And their refusal to get near Grizabella says so much without needing words. I didn’t shed a tear, but I certainly got emotional when Deuteronomy and Grizabella finally touched foreheads. Acceptance, without words. Really beautiful.

Ok, I think that’s it! Overall, I thought this movie was pretty dang good. I’d put it on again just to watch the choreography. With some minor exceptions, I’d probably listen to the sountrack again too! I think the strongest points for me were definitely the way that the cast of characters felt like an affectionate, cohesive family, and the commitment to the sentimentality of it all. If there’s one thing I can call this film, it’s earnest, and it was so nice to go into something that didn’t reek of cynicism, but of hope, and found family, and second chances. 

@paladinical that got a little longer than I anticipated! Hopefully you enjoy my rambling thoughts, haha.

[fyeahkristin]

HERE ARE MY AVENGERS: ENDGAME THOUGHTS! HELLO YES THERE ARE SPOILERS HERE!

Hello, welcome to my tumblr! I don’t use it very much except for fandom stuff but I figured this was a good way to talk about my thoughts without everyone losing their bananas over spoilers on twitter. 

It goes without saying that THERE ARE SPOILERS HERE. 

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

YUP. 

OK, so probably the thing I’ve been asked the most is How Do I Feel About Fat Thor. Great Question!

The short answer is: PRETTY FUCKING BAD! 

The long answer is: PRETTY FUCKING BAD*, But--**

*The treatment of fat Thor in this movie obviously sucks ass. We’re taking a character who has been through monumental change, and who is obviously suffering so much. And then for some reason, in our grand finale of the whole saga we are using that character... to make fun of fat people AND people suffering from mental illness AND from people suffering from substance abuse issues, all at once. Endgame reallllly runs the gamut here of Bad Fat Tropes: We’ve got an Actor Wearing A Fat Suit, we’ve got The Fatness Being Played For Laughs, we’ve got Jokes About How Fat People Are Slobs, we’ve got Completely Out Of Context Critiques About What Thor Must Be Eating, we’ve even got His Mom Telling Him To Eat A Salad! Like, they really went for it in terms of making me angry at everyone in the theatre who was eating all this up.

I’ve seen this movie twice now and somehow the laughing at the fat jokes was much MUCH WORSE at the second screening (catch these hands, woman who yell/giggled apropros of nothing “he’s SO FAT!!!!!”) I’m basing this on a sample size of two screenings so far, but my chances of getting into a fight with someone for laughing at Thor mid-screening has just been raised to 1/3.

I’m not opposed to the idea of tackling Thor’s obvious PTSD and substance abuse issues with the kindness and sensitivity they deserve. But like... this wasn’t that! Hearing people laugh in the theatre when Don Cheadle said that Thor’s blood was made of Cheese Whiz was infuriating. Especially when you’re dealing with someone like Chris Hemsworth who is obviously gifted enough of a comic actor to sell a litany of things... why punch down? 

**There is one (1) (ONE) (JUST ONE) (ONLY ONE) upside to the presentation of fat Thor. And I’m not so naive to unnecessarily give the Russos credit for making this choice intentionally because it clearly happened for the sake of plot convenience. But the one good thing that came out of making Thor fat was that ultimately, the Thor who helps smash Thanos to bits is... fat Thor! I kinda kept waiting for the montage where Thor loses weight before the big battle and it just... never happened. Like, when he gets back into the swing of things, he gets some armor that fits his new body and his beard braid glow-up, and then he fucking Goes To Town On Thanos (with Mjolnir AND Stormbreaker!!) as fat Thor. And I know it most likely wasn’t intentional, but I will admit I noticed and I was... slightly moved by it! It DOES NOT excuse any of the earlier stuff. Like, not at all. No one here is getting a medal! And this might be a good example of the bar just being so so so so sooooo low for fat representation, that I am like OM NOM NOM YES SO GOOD at something that doesn’t deserve credit. But in the midst of the carelessness of this film’s senseless cruelty about Thor’s body, we are accidentally shown a character who didn’t “lose the weight” in order to achieve his goals. And guess what, the world didn’t end! Thor didn’t mess it up! I think most importantly, it’s (intentionally or not) now an example of why we don’t need a character to lose weight to be powerful again. It honestly made me want to stand up in the theater and be like “WHO’S FUCKING LAUGHING NOW, YOU HORSE TURDS”  

Also, should Thor go on to have a weight loss montage in GOTG Vol. 3: you can basically disregard all of this. 

Anyway, those are my thoughts on fat Thor.

OTHER VARIOUS SKETCHED OUT ENDGAME THOUGHTS THAT ARE VERY DISORGANIZED (AND THAT’S WHY PAYING EDITORS AT MEDIA PUBLICATIONS IS ESSENTIAL):

-- In both screenings I was at, people fucking LOST THEIR SHIT when Cap caught Mjolnir for the first time. I fucking knew it too, Thor!

-- I know a lot of people are pissed about how the end of the film doesn’t really honor Bucky’s relationship with Cap as well as it could, and I think this is legit. But hear me out: the second time I watched this movie it occurred to me (from the way they are speaking to each other) that perhaps Cap and Bucky had a conversation before this that we don’t see where Cap spells out his intentions. Their interaction feels more like a true goodbye, and I think it’s possible we might see a flashback to this conversation early in the Bucky/Sam Wilson TV show.  I also think that anyone who didn’t see Peggy as endgame hasn’t been paying attention (and to be honest about my biases, I have always ALWAYS loved Agent Carter, and so this ending is very much a fix-it fic for me.) (Bring back Agent Carter, you cowards.)

--To quote Alanna Bennett “[Time Travel] has never once made sense in a movie or TV show bc it’s literal nonsense” so of course it doesn’t make sense in Endgame either. I know Cap theoretically should have gone out help Bucky and fix S.H.E.I.L.D. and stop 9/11 or whatnot but he didn’t and to be honest, I’m not gonna spend so much time thinking about it where it hampers my enjoyment of the movie. You know what also has plot holes? Life. Life has fucking plot holes.  Cap is tired, let Cap has his nice life where his kick ass wife takes the drivers seat for once. 

--I agree with everyone who says they did Natasha dirty. Also the black Widow movie coming out next year IS (reportedly) A PREQUEL? Marvel, that’s a straight up Lucasfilm trap, don’t fall for it. Just yadda yadda magic amulet and bring Natasha back, you have the power! As a an aside, I am a staunch believer that prequels are never a way to move a franchise forward. The way to move a franchise forward is to... create more characters and move it forward. I am a visionary, I know. Hire me to consult at your next business gathering!

-- Oh, Tony. In retrospect, this was the only major death that could have both made sense and honored the journey of the character, but I still wasn’t ready. The only upside here is that Shuri must now be Our Princess Of Technology And Gadgets and I am ready for it. 

EDIT:

--MY STONY SHIP LIVES FOREVER this was the most Stony movie I could have possibly imagined that also involved Tony being married with a kid. Tony and Cap spent the whole movie having mental make-up sex, you can’t convince me otherwise, TONY CHECKING OUT CAP’S ASS IS NOW CANON. IT’S CANON. 

[the-mjolnir-owner]

Here comes the post™ about the movie™ no one asked for

I’ve been postponing this due to spoilers, but I think it’s time now.

Those of you who already know me and who I speak to daily already know my opinion about EG and maybe I was expecting it to to change in some weeks, but it didn’t.

It’s not a surprise to anyone that Thor’s my favorite character who I’ve been playing for at least seven years. He brought me joy, helped me to find friends for life and gave me strength when I was down.

It’s not a surprise that I feel betrayed and disappointed by how his story was dealt in this last movie and I’m willing to ignore parts of it and replace it with my own canon. It’s not that I had faith in the production to begin with, but still I was let down with all of this disrespect.

Don’t read it if you haven’t watched the movie, heavy spoilers ahead.

My thoughts:

-          Thor didn’t get anyone back. I wasn’t expecting those who were killed to return, but maybe those who got dusted could include Sif at least, but they’re not known to respect women at all. He fought for everyone’s else happy ending but his, and although this is in character, it’s still sad

-          There was no satisfactory ending to Thor/Loki relationship. Everyone who bothered to watch Thor’s movies know that Thor and Loki share a deep, complicated bond. It’s a love/hate relationship and they were working to mend it when Loki had one of the most gruesome, unnecessary deaths I’ve ever seen on screen. They never shared a hug on screen and they didn’t use Tom/Loki’s popularity for anything. The death of a character who struggled their whole life by the hands of their abuser? No thank you, you can keep it

-          Thor went back to Asgard and didn’t even visit Loki. I didn’t understand their time travel rules but I know they were confusing. Thor normally doesn’t play by human’s laws and I wished his approach to Loki was different. That was the last time he was seeing his brother and I understand him losing it when he meets Frigga, maybe one of the best scenes he has in the entire shitshow

-          Thor’s love life sucks. Everybody had their happy dance, their happy marriage with kids, but Thor, who was left with no family at all. I don’t ship Thor/Jane but it’s clear he loves her deeply, she was an important person in his life who opened his eyes and taught him to be less arrogant, selfish and more human. I don’t want them to be a couple anymore, but they could at least respect this relationship. They did them dirty since TDW but that’s another subject. I don’t want Thor/Jane anymore when we have a whole Thorkyrie meal waiting to happen, but they could at least address this subject and show that Thor/Jane can still be friends

-          They really said fuck asgardian lives.  I wasn’t expecting anyone to return, but have Steve going back in time to have his happy ending was a bit selfish imo, considering Thor was left to live his own reality where everybody is dead but him. They didn’t have to save Asgard or prevent the elves from attacking, but they could have changed Thanos’ attack to their deteriorated ship and the massacre that followed. I thought Thor could meet his sister somehow and bring back the fallen asgardians. That would be better. He could have used the gauntlet himself to fix this shit, but Thor was a second rate character in EG

-          I was told there was a Thorkyrie kiss scene in Ragnarok and now I understand why it was cut. Valkyrie could have a pivotal role in not allowing Thor to succumb in a spiral of self hatred and lethargy, sharing the burden of leading a collapsed civilization and helping Thor out of his drunk state, in the same way he helped her, brought her home and gave her life a new purpose. It was a conscious decision to take everything from Thor, especially his development. 

If I was mad they let Valkyrie be King instead of Thor, who was grown to rule? Not at all. He wouldn’t be able to do anything considering his mental state, trauma and self image, he needs to recover and heal and it takes time. 

He was king for about 8 hours and he had to witness his family, his friends and his people being slaughtered in front of him and we know he carries this blame like an anchor. Valkyrie at least managed to lead the escape pods to Earth and probably lead them while Thor was fighting in IW. She’s the only one left he can count on, and their scenes together were disappointing

-          Talking about trauma.  I knew he wouldn’t be ok considering what happened to him in the recent movies. He lost his mom, his brother, his lover, his father, all of his friends, his eye, his hammer, his hair, his sister, his planet, his army, his people, his battle. We know since AoU that his worst fear was losing them all and he had to witness all of this foreshowed carnificina (remember they weren’t snapped, a quick and painless death, no, they were all butchered one by one in front of Thor) without getting a break or some time to react or grieve or anything in response to it. 

I’ve read before he’s a safe choice when it comes to trauma, nothing should affect him because he’s a god. But it does, he may be a god but he’s still made of flesh and bones and a beating heart that is way too big and too soft. 

We watched his desperate attempts to make things right in IW, his desperate attempts to end his own life. We watched him ready to die by Loki’s side when the ship was about to explode. We watched him taking the full blast of a star, forging an ax by the cost of his own life. Bless Hemsworth for all of Thor’s emotional scenes, every time he cried I cried as well because I could understand and relate to his struggle of trying to remain fine for his friends’ sake while his heart was shattered

-          That trauma reflected on his self image. He couldn’t go through all of this unscatched, and it’s ok. I understand his recluse, his effort to shut down the world outside and deal with things by the only way he knows how to deal with any inner turmoil: drowning his sorrow in alcohol. He’s always been a heavy drinker and it’s a normal, accepted asgardian behavior to drink entire casks of ale (see Valkyrie). You know what’s not ok? Using his problems as a fucking three hours joke.

-          He’s the only character whose pain isn’t treated like a real problem. As if he’s being dramatic when he can’t say a name or tell a story without losing it or going through a panic attack. Skinny characters are worthy compassion, thicc characters aren’t and I see your fatphobia, @marvel

-         Fucking three hour joke. I’ve seen someone point on twitter that there are two stances to weight in EG: Tiny gets stranded in space for weeks, when he returns to earth he’s malnourished, thin, sick. People immediately tend to him, he’s hospitalized, it’s heartbreaking to see him like this and it’s obvious he has been through too much. All the characters involved react to him with sympathy. The same can’t be told about Thor. He has a weight problem too, he’s dissociating and he doesn’t care what he looks like anymore. I know people who went through the same ordeal. 

Thor’s punishing himself for feeling like a failure and it reflects on his body. Yet, we are lead to feel sorry for one of them (Tiny) and laugh at the other (Thor). The audience is lead to have compassion by one character going through a difficult phase and being grossed out/amused by another character who is going through the same thing, if not worse.

-          It’s not woke nor progressive to have a fit man wearing a badly made fat suit to badly portray a fat person.  It was literally made to entertain, to be a comic relief, not to raise awareness of how mental health problems can cause physical problems as well and it’s a missed opportunity to have an approach to it, on how men are supposed to be fit all the time, on how superhero bodies can be in all shapes and sizes. It’s all about fat-shaming and fatphobia. 

I love and appreciate Thor in all shapes and forms, but what they did to him wasn’t a body positive view and if they mean to keep fat Thor in their next projects, they better hire an actual plus size actor. The sole purpose of chubby Thor was to degrade the character and strip him of sympathy because he “did that to himself”

-          This mockery comes from other superheroes.  What are we teaching young audiences when they watch the Avengers making fun of a debilitated person? That it’s ok to laugh at a fat, depressed person who has panic attacks? Thor gets mocked, teased and fat shamed by people who are dear to him, by the only “friends” he has left - friends whom he knows for at least 6+ years - friends he defended and saved countless times before. By his own mother to some degree. 

They don’t show him the same sympathy and just like Odin, Thor’s only seen worthy by how hard he can strike, by how powerful he can be. A weapon, not a person, and when said weapon loses its sharpness, it’s not worthy fixing anymore. Thor’s a war hound and that’s the only aspect the Avengers value in him. 

It’s important to remember Thor treated the Hulk differently, like a person, and supported Bruce when he didn’t want to turn into the Hulk. He treated Valkyrie differently, too, when he realized she had alcohol problems and carried an immense grief. Thor’s often betrayed by people whom he loves and trusts, but this is too much of an insult to people going through the same problems in the audience. It’s sad to see all the other characters (except Bruce/Hulk) denying emphathy and compassion to Thor, knowing Thor would never deny emphathy and compassion to anyone else

-          Thor isn’t lazily eating/drinking after a broke up, no. He was traumatized from seeing everyone he had ever loved die in front of him then being blamed for not stopping Thanos, or going to the head. He hopes that by chopping Thanos’ head off he’d feel better, but he doesn’t. Thor lost more people than any of the others and Cap goes to group theraphy sessions (never bothers to invite Thor), Tiny gets hospitalized but Thor doesn’t have a fit boy anymore, he doesn’t deserve simpathy, he’s lazy for letting it happen to him and that’s how they want us to feel. Amused by Thor’s pain that’s less important now because he lost his 8 pack

-          He died to forge a weapon and it wasn’t enough. He did an herculean job to make a weapon strong enough to kill Thanos, not only did he fail but he also survived to tell. If he had died trying, then his ticket to Valhalla would be granted, but he lost it as well. 

Not only he carries a huge survivor guilt, but the certainty he isn’t worthy anything anymore, not even the golden halls of Valhalla wait for him. And he tries time and time again to live a glorious death that doesn’t come

-          His drunkenness is ooc. They contradicted their own canon by claiming that Thor can get drunk on weak midgardian ale. He can’t. He could really drink that amount of beer, but it wouldn’t affect him. Not even physically. Thor has a fast metabolism and it would take him some hundred years to become that chubby on weak beer or other beverages. They ignored their own canon to insist in this joke, that had greenlight from everybody involved

-          Marvel’s efforts to hide chubby Thor. In the trailers, in the posters, in the action figures and promotional images, we see the usual Thor, fit. It’s supposed to be a big surprise to see Thor like this, people told me. I think it’s all about sending a message that chubby heroes don’t sell and they hid this information purposely. There’s no action figures of fat Thor. He isn’t made to promote the movie, awareness or sell anything. Because a fat person serves only for fun, they think, not to sell, his role in this movie is to be mocked. But it’s on them, because in this house we love and respect chubby Thor and I can’t wait to buy his fluffly plush doll

-          Thor’s weakened. Stormbreaker is used as a bottle opener and they seem to forget how powerful it was. Everything that Taika did, the Russos undid. The whole point of Ragnarok (the best Thor movie imo) was showing Thor and the audience he doesn’t need a weapon to be powerful. In IW he gets his eye back and makes an ax, forgetting all of this, and in EG he has his hammer back. Not only one, but he’s wielding two magical weapons and is still beaten? No way. I can’t believe I paid actual money to watch it. Thor could have used the gauntlet and he’d still be fine and alive, it would be so much better imo

-          He is back to using a weapon to tell him he has value. He was over mjolnir’s standards on what’s worthy anymore and he’s finally free of its magical whims. Now he trusts in the hammer judgment of him again because what else does he have? Who else does he have?

-          They never wanted us to feel bad about Thor. They mixed Thor’s sadness with shots of his body to entertain from the fact that he’s dead inside. His arc is made for laughs. We’re lead to think it’s funny. If they wanted us to feel bad about fat Thor, they would make him thin like Tiny who got all the sympathy he deserved. Bless Chris for the emotion he conveyed though

-          Thor leaving with the Guardians was a conflicting point. I’d love to see Thor with the GoTG and I love the previous GoTG movies. But it won’t solve his problems. I wanted him to heal, and if the Guardians will help him with it, instead of the Avengers, then it’s ok. He should accept there are things he can’t change and it’s not his fault, he should try and change the things he can and look forward to something, anything, that would give him hope again

-          In the end, at least, everybody was rooting for him to recover and it was good. He wasn’t magically made thin again and all the time I was waiting for a Rocky Balboa sequence with Thor lifting weight or jogging, but it didn’t happen, and at least it served to show us that he’s still worthy, a hero and himself in spite of how he looks or how much he weighs

-          It hurts to see an optimistic, caring character losing it.  I know he wouldn’t leave unscatched, but it’s sad to lose my ray of sunshine Thor, who always had hope and fought for what was right. Seeing my favorite character lethargic, apathetic and not being the protagonist of his own life is very hard. Thor always brought me inspiration and he instills the best in people: he supports Sif when she wants to be a warrior, he shows Jane she’s right in her researches, shows Valkyrie she’s not her failure, helps Bruce out of panic attacks in an alien planet, tries to reach for Loki time and time again, he trusts the Avengers and works with them in order to save a world that isn’t even his. He saved the world at least four times. 

And they all let him down. It’s not a satisfactory conclusion, but I didn’t hope they’d make it differently. I still hope I’ll see my Thor again and even if I don’t, I’ll write him with faithful friends I met along the way. He deserves it and I won’t let him down

Any positive points after miles of salt?

Thor chopping off Thanos’ head and probably using it as a mug was nice.

I liked his Viking looks with braids in his hair and beard and how he weilded two magical weapons.

Sharing them with Cap, who is one of his best friends, is great too.

Having Thor leaving with the Guardians was a nice choice because I like the Guardians and I know Thor will return better after this vacation to assume his throne.

 Leaving the throne for Valkyrie means she’s his Queen in his eyes and you’ll have to pry Thorkyrie from my cold, dead hands. 

There’s a bitter taste, yeah, but things can be better in the future when the sun will shine on us again.

[thanksariel]

We Liked You Better Fat: Confessions Of a Pariah

February 28th, 2012 at 9:54 PM

(I couldn’t find it anywhere. Patrick deleted it and it was posted to AP but they also deleted it. Luckily I had it somewhere. Ariel: 1 internet: 0)

There’s this really nice piece at underthegunreview.net by Jacob Tender that a friend forwarded me today. It’s about how important Fall Out Boy’s album “From Under the Cork Tree,” was to him. After reading it though, nostalgic and well-written as it was, I really found myself more depressed than anything. It’s a complicated feeling, one that I’ve been incapable of explaining to anyone and have them fully understand. In spite of this though, I suppose I will give it the old-I-didn’t-go-to-college-try:

Tender had one line that really hit home for me. I related to it in terms of my feelings towards other artists, but I also winced at the profound implications it touched on in my own professional life:

“I didn’t like those pretentious assholes who didn’t like anything after Take This To Your Grave. I now recognize that I’m one of those assholes, but I still fume when some of my favorite records are so easily discredited by ignorant semi-listeners.”

The reality is that for a certain number of people, all I’ve ever done, all I ever will do, and all I ever had the capacity to do worth a damn was a record I began recording when I was 18 years old. That I can live with. That’s fine and fair; I have those records in my collection that seem to stand out far above the rest of my favorite artists catalogues (and especially for artists in whom I only have a passing interest). I suppose there’s nothing wrong in thinking I’m at a point in my life where it seems I’ll never catch up: If anyone’s going to appreciate the work I’m making, it won’t be until long after I’m done doing it. Again, this is fine: I’m insanely lucky to even imagine anyone ever appreciating anything I ever do, let alone in real time. Countless artists far better than I have only achieved posthumous acclaim. If I am to be obscure and financially unsuccessful, there’s nothing disheartening in that. The thing that’s more disheartening is the constant stream of insults I’m enduring in my financially unsuccessful obscurity.

Fall Out Boy’s last album Folie A Deux was our most critically panned and audiences openly hated it (it was also our poorest selling major label album even if one adjusts for the changing music economy). Now, that’s not to say it didn’t have its fans, but at no other point in my professional career was I nearly booed off stages for playing new songs. Touring on Folie was like being the last act at the Vaudville show: We were rotten vegetable targets in Clandestine hoodies.

That experience really took the wind out of the band’s sails; It stopped being fun. I suppose I’m just not that thick skinned. So perhaps it was even more ill-advised when I went out and did something I’d always wanted to do; make my album and have it released by Island Records [my solo record Soul Punk]. I coincidentally happened to achieve another goal which was to lose the weight I’d been carrying around since a month-long drinking binge after a bad breakup. Those accomplishments were happy things. Living in the moments of achieving them were perhaps among the happiest in my life.

So when I went out into the world to show off the self I felt like I was happiest and most comfortable being, I suppose I knew there would be the “Haters” [I loathe the clumsy/insufficient word but it seems the most universal]; The elitists that would always prove impossible to please. I had always been prepared for “Haters,” because there’s never been a moment since I graduated high school where I haven’t been the guy in “That Emo band.” First said emo band was dismissed as third rate pop-punk played by hardcore kids…a pale imitation of Saves the Day. Then we were swept up in the emo backlash [I really didn’t know we were an emo band…that’s not what the word meant a decade ago]. To this day my favorite writer at cracked.com will occasionally take swipes at my band as one of the worst things to come out of the 2000’s. We were a (albeit funny) running joke on an episode of Children’s Hospital.

Those examples of “Haters,” were people who never liked me (or at least never liked my music) and, by all rights, never really should. Such is the way of things. Different strokes for different folks as it were. What I wasn’t prepared for was the fervor of the hate from people who were ostensibly my own supporters (or at least supporters of something I had been part of). The barrage of “We liked you better fat,” the threatening letters to my home, the kids that paid for tickets to my solo shows to tell me how much I sucked without Fall Out Boy, that wasn’t psomething I suppose I was or ever will be ready for. That’s dedication. That’s real palpable anger. Add into that the economic risk I had taken [In short: I blew my nest egg on that record and touring in support of it] the hate really crushed me. The standard response to any complaints I could possibly have about my position in life seems to be “You poor sad multi-millionaire. I feel so sorry for you.”

Quite right, I still have access to enough money to live on in order to avoid bankruptcy for at least a few years as long as I stick to my budget, but money really isn’t everything and it never was. Perhaps those are the words of a privileged man who doesn’t really know what poverty really feels like. Again, that would be a fair rebuttal; I wasn’t raised rich, but lower middle class upbringing in early 90’s Midwest US of A is still a far way from the bread line. Still, there’s no amount of money in the world that makes one feel content with having no self respect. There’s no amount of money that makes you feel better when people think of you as a joke or a hack or a failure or ugly or stupid or morally empty.

This of course isn’t Tender’s fault. He never said anything negative and indeed only said great/supportive things. I guess I’m just angry because he illuminates why I’m a 27 has-been. I’m a touring artist and I feel I’ve become incapable of touring anymore with any act…whether I were to go out as a solo artist or do some Fall Out Boy “Reunion” [nope: Still never broke up] or start a new band…there will still be 10-20 percent of the audience there to tell me how shitty whatever it is I’m doing is and how much better the thing I used to do was. Not only that, but that 10-20 percent combined with whatever notoriety Fall Out Boy used to have prevents me from having the ability to start over from the bottom again. I can’t even go back to playing basement shows. As the saying goes: I couldn’t get booked at the opening of a letter.

It’s as though I’ve received some big cosmic sign that says I should disappear. So I’ve kind of disappeared. I know a lot of you have wondered where I’ve been. I’m sure others of you are disappointed to hear I’m still kicking around somewhere (kidding…sort of). But the truth is wherever and whoever I am, whoever I am whenever I release whatever release is my next, whoever said recording is recorded with: I will never be the kid from Take This To Your Grave again. And I’m deeply sorry that I can’t be, I truly am (no irony, no sarcasm). I hate waking up every morning knowing I’m disappointing so many people. I hate feeling like the awkward adult husk of a discarded once-cute child actor. I’m debating going back to school and learning a proper trade. It’s tempting to say I won’t ever play/tour/record again, but I think that’s probably just pent up poor-me emotional pessimism talking (I suppose can be excused of that though right? I am the guy from That Emo Band after all).

I’ve managed to cobble together some work…I’ve been moonlighting as a professional songwriter/producer for hire and I’ve even been doing a bit of acting here and there. I have no interest (and evidently that sentiment is reciprocated) in performing music publicly any time soon but as I’ve said I’m sure that will happen when it happens. I have been debating releasing the unfinished follow-up to Soul Punk. We’ll see what happens there. Still no word on Fall Out Boy…I know Joe’s working on his new record and Pete’s mixtape just came out so I don’t expect anything on that front in the near future. I, as always, would be super psyched to do the band again though. I’ve been watching a lot of Downton Abbey and I’ve finally caught up on the Office. Friends have been turning me on to all the records I’ve been too busy to listen to over the past couple years.

I do suggest reading Tender’s column if it sounds interesting to you; He’s a great writer and it’s a fun/relatable little story regardless of who the band is within it (film adaptations of Nick Hornby novels should be proof of that).

[ticklikeabomb]

The Marvel Parody - Chapter 5

Pairing (in the futur) : Chris Evans x Plus Size!Reader

Warnings : Language ; spelling mistakes ; fat shaming ; body positivity

Word Count : 1.461

Prelude Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 

As we were waiting waiting for Anus to show up, the team on Titan was trying to past the time by playing 21 questions. We found out that Mantis’s antennas were actually her ears, that Tonya had a little crush on Loki since that New York attack « She has great hair », defended the billionaire, and that Quill wasn’t a true blond, information that got everyone to gasp. 

« I wonder what’s happening on Earth? », said Parker. 

Since every girl was playing two characters, we had to pre-record this part and project it on the screen.

« When you said that we should open ourselves to the world, I wasn’t thinking about this », faced Okoye the Queen. « What were you expecting? » - T’Chicka. « I don’t know maybe remix the song of David Guetta ‘Titanium’ into ‘Vibranium’ or create an Instagram profile », replied the general. 

Meanwhile, the stuffed Falcon was messing with your hair and you were trying to menace him with your knife which didn’t help. The only way to make her stop was to threatening her to slap her with your shoe (old classic parent move). « Girls, come on play nice with each other », said the Cap annoyed. « She started it. Look that grumpy face, she’s provoking me », shouted Wilson. You just frowned and rolled your eyes. 

Everyone was in position and waited for the Queen’s command. Stephanie looked at you and said « Be careful punk ». You nodded and gave her a look that informed her to be careful too. The battle began and the screen faded. 

Back to Titan

« Omg, where’s Thor? », asked Parker « Yeah, where is she? », you heard an Aussie accent from the audience and figured out it was Hemsworth. « She’s probably ELECTRIFYING (with a thick John Travolta, Grease voice) everyone ! », guessed Tonya.

At that exact moment the song « Total Eclipse of the Heart » played.

Turnaround, every now and then I get a little bit lonely And you're never coming round Turnaround, every now and then I get a little bit tired Of listening to the sound of my tears Turnaround, every now and then I get a little bit nervous That the best of all the years have gone by Turnaround, every now and then I get a little bit terrified And then I see the look in your eyes Turnaround bright eyes, but every now and then I fall apart Turnaround bright eyes, every now and then I fall apart

« Hey, Coca Cola why is your suit ringing?, asked Quill. Kelly’s facial expressions as a hurt Stark were priceless, you had to control yourself to not crack up of laughter. « It’s Rogers calling me again », she announced. 

« I wonder what’s Rogers ringtone in Barnes phone », wondered Drax. « Oh, I know! », you mumbled under your breath. The other characters turned to you. « Shit, I just said that out loud ». « Tell me », demanded Stark. « Nah, you’re not ready for this ».

« Tell us », you heard RDJ yelling. You exchanged a quick look in his direction and saw the actor with a wide smile. « Alright, if you insist ». 

-> Gunther’s  ‘Ding Dong Song’ played for 10 seconds.

Oh, you touch my tralala Mmm, my ding ding don La lalala lalala... Oh, you touch my tralala

The crowd went wild and was hysterically laughing. I even noticed Evans do his famous left grab boob laugh and in that moment you swear you could die in peace.

« Why would she have that particular song ? », asked Quill dumbfounded You were bitting at your lower lip at this state to hold back your smile. « It’s actually a funny story » « We’re all ears », continued Quill sarcastically.

« Alright. So, it was at that time where Becky had the mission to end Nokia. Yes, ladies and gentleman, we totally renamed Nick (Fury) as Nokia because they’re both indestructible. Anyway. Becky had that genius idea to shot Nokia in the chest through Rogers appartement window. Rogers of course was not happy and decided to run after Becky and breaking inoffensive office doors on her way out. Until the moment she came face to face with the attacker and throw her shield. But mama didn’t raise no Bitch, so Becky turned around and caught the shield. And that’s where she said « Ohhh I just touched your tra la la, your ding ding dong ». But of course, having that mask in front of her face, Rogers didn’t hear her. So she just vanished. Yep that’s right sir, vanished, just like my scholarship. ‘where is it? what happened to it? ‘…. well I don’t have that knowledge », you told.

While you were telling the story, you noticed a heavy drunk guy in the audience doing some nasty noises towards you. He was mimicking and making pig noises. But you shrugged it off because the show must go on. Sarah was about to step in and yell at the guy but you discreetly hold her hand and gave a look. You really hoped that the cast didn’t notice you shaking your head ‘no’ to Sarah, but unfortunately they caught your movement.

« She’s here », announced Mantis Everyone hid except you, since you were the one welcoming the Mad Titan. Anus made her entrance in a perfectly purple makeup and detailed outfit. « Who are you? » « My name’s Weird » « I doubt that and I’m well placed to say so. My name is literally ‘Anus’ », said the villain . « Haha, no. I’m Weird » « Yes, I can see that » « Oh Good God. My name is Doctress Stephanie Weird. I know Stephanie not very original considering the fact that the Captain’s name is also Stephanie. But yeah. It could be worst, Marvel could actually hire 3 different actors with the same name. Imagine that. You call for one and 3 show up. … hahahah. That’s actually genius. Good job Marvel, you should keep going. I’m pretty sure the next ones will come from the same country and whose name will start with a ’T’ and end with ‘om’. » you said casually « Nahh I’m certain they would not do that », said Anus « Oh darling, I’m pretty sure they would », you replied with a thick fake British accent. « Where is the stone? » « Besides the Rolling we don’t have such things here », you told still with the British accent. « The what? » « Well, the Rolling Stone », you said grinning and trying to hold your laughter. Anus just looked at you seriously. « Ahhh come on, get your culture in check », you replied with your normal voice.

That’s when we put the plan in motion. Well obviously it didn’t go well and the moment Mantis said her line, that stupid asshole spoke again. 

« Shut up you fat cow », he shouted from the audience. That was it. You couldn’t take it anymore. You’re blood was boiling. You stood up and went to the edge of the stage. « What did you say? » When he was about to repeat himself, you cut him : « Oh don’t answer that. I was being sarcastic. I perfectly heard you and I even heard you the first time when you did those pig noises towards me. But I was like, ‘yeah no, don’t care’, but now you’re coming for my friend, no way! I can see that you clearly aren’t in your normal state right now and you know what. There’s NO amount of alcohol or sobriety that tolerate that kind of behavior and those kind of comments!! You don’t like the show and find it ridiculous? Fine, it’s supposed to. It’s a parody. But coming for us and dehumanize us just because we don’t fit your stupid beauty criteria no fucking way. I kindly suggest you to get the fuck out before you embarrass yourself even more », you responded firmly.

You were so focused on watching the bouncer take that jerk out of the place that you didn’t noticed that the cast was on their feet applauding you. Once you came back to you, cheeks burning out of embarrassment and your hands clenched as fists, you turned to the crowd and out of the blue said (improvised) : « I apologize for that. Ehmm… let’s get those bad vibes out by quoting that great contemporary philosopher Anthony Mackie that said ‘The thighs are the key to heaven’ and he even added that ‘Doing squads is not an obligation but a purpose’. »

« Damn right it is », Mackie hollered loudly and everyone laughed.

« Now that we’re surrounded by positive vibes with those wise words, let’s go back to the show, what do you say? »

A collectif ‘yeah’ was heard and you returned to your initial position on the rock. You looked at Emily and winked at her. The show continued, but deep down you were torn between a mix of feelings : proud by standing up and talk but also anger and embarrassment. You couldn’t pray more for the show to end.

*gifs not mine, credit to owners*

[queermequeeryou]

chapter four

Mad was feeling like everything was going out of her hands. She was overwhelmed with effects that, like a ricochet, has started to hit her harder than she expected in her deepest nightmares. It was one thing to be self-reflecting, even self-blaming but it was the other one to hear it from other person’s mouth. The mouth she used to kiss with admiration and sympathy. She could really fell in love with this girl but she did not. Her head on the brink of exploding, her mind almost entirely wretched. She did not know if she should be teaching by now. It was all too much. She took the free day at university and went to the doctor which was also her good friend. Well, more of Brooklyn’s best high school colleague anyway, without further explanations he just signed the sick leave for her til the end of the week. Mad wanted to reflect on everything, focus only on book agreement and figure out if she should transfer to different university. She did not want Paris to leave as it was the best one on linguistics in NYC so the most adequate would be for Mad to just go. They both knew that seeing each other almost everyday was out of the consideration. Although, Mad really enjoyed working there and as Paris mentioned that she wants to leave, that was all even harder. What should she do? Where should she go? Mad did not talk to Brooklyn about it. He was focused on his first days living with Blackie again and also Leo was not ready for this talk. She wanted to do this later, though. As always, her brother had to know. He was the most important person in her live and it was a both-sided feeling. Mad woke up around midday and felt not even slightly better but at least she tried to get a better sleep which was more like lying under the sheets and trying her to remain with lids tightly shut. With not much effects. She went into the kitchen to have a coffee and found out that Jackson has already been fed. The water bowl full stood next to the food one as well. There was a note on the table. “Jackson has eaten. I also left some pancakes under the plate for ya. The frozen soya yogurt’s in the fridge. I work til 5, bae til 4. He’s picking me up after. I hope you’re at least fine. Gonna talk later if you’ll be up to it. Later, B.” Mad smiled a little bit. It was really nice of Brooklyn. She petted Jackson and kissed him on the forehead, then took a glance under the plate and decided to have two pancakes with the coffee.  After late breakfast/lunch Mad took Jackson for a walk and she run a bit as well but she did not feel it much today. Anyway, the weather was nice and warm but not too hot so she fancied a longer stroll with her lovely, fat dog. He seemed to enjoy it as usual so she was happy to see him having fun, chasing after birds that were flying nearby and playing with the sticks. It mood her up a tiny bit and when they got back to the apartment it was already 3 pm. She picked one of the volumes with works by Samuel Beckett and opened it on “Waiting for Godot”. She was always coming back to this story with great pleasure. Mad decided to reread it as she got almost for hours to meeting with LaToya and the crew. She was flipping the pages while touching old, smelly paper and floating deeper and deeper into the plot of the play which was both relaxing and clearing feeling. After she finished the text she closed her lids and breathed. It was a wonderful idea to get back to this story now. She stood up to heat some of the leftover tofu with vegetables from yesterday as her dinner which was probably worse idea. It gave her a feeling like it all smelled like Paris’ perfumes. It made the events from the previous day so vivid that she decided to put the food aback and went to have a shower and dress up into her more formal suit and tie. When she fixed it, she lit a cigarette and looked through the window into the widening darkness of the upcoming evening. She put her left hand into the pocket and inhaled the smoke deeply. After that, she took all of her notes and packed them into the case. When she entered the 20th floor where the company was situated the secretary told her to go to the conference room and wait. In few minutes came LaToya with few various people who greeted her politely and they all sat to talk about the book. All of them felt same strong prediction that this volume was going to be really appreciated by the public and they all agreed that she has talent. Actually, it was more of that then telling her what should she change or correct. LaToya introduced her Nazir - the Indian designer who was said to be the author of her book’s cover. He showed her the ideas he had already prepared and most of them were stunning. The work was really the greatest remedy for Leo to got out of the sickening thoughts and focus on what was important for her. After the meeting, they paced fast forward with the process which Leo enjoyed a lot. She was packing back her things to the case still reflecting on the book when LaToya suggested they should have dinner together to celebrate the next huge step. Actually, Leo felt very hungry after refusing to eat dinner before heading to this appointment so she accepted the proposition. They took her Lincoln and Mad drove them to the best Italian restaurant nearby that LaToya chose. Mad was not used to go to fancy places but she thought it is a special day and she can afford it one time so she will not disagree. Moreover, she was an aficionado of Italian cuisine so it was a wonderful idea to go and have a dish there. Like Mad has expected, the place was very sophisticated and elegant. She was probably one of very few people who was up to go there and not feel strange. Very common opinion shared by many was that going to expansive restaurants was the habit of incredibly rich individuals who were actors in their lives and preferred to eat some outstanding, pricey food while doing their businesses with not a bit of honesty or caring. For Mad it was more like the very festive, elegant way of spending time with the others. She was not wealthy enough to let it happen on a regular basis but she did not mind it at all and in times when situation was self-explaining she was always willing to eat some good food in places that got some charm in them. She held the door for LaToya and helped her with the coat. They were seated close to the window and suggested wine for the start. After a little while they were sipping a red drink while looking ahead for the landscape of New York City at night and it was incredibly beautiful. “I’m really glad that I’m the one who’s going to publish your book. Because I’ll take lots of credit for it. It’s a win-win without any doubts.” “Well, I have to say that I share your opinion. Thank you, LaToya. I’m glad for what you’ve been doing.” replied Mad and took a sip of her drink. “You’ve mentioned one time that you were living in Spain. How was that?” this question seemed out of the blue but Leo did not mind to answer that one. “I liked it a lot but I missed by brother and there came a time when I just had to get back where I belong.” “It’s here or in Africa?” her sight was very thrilling and approaching. “For now I can say it’s here but I’ll definitely get back to Africa sometime soon”. LaToya smiled a little. “Get back. May I ask why Africa or does it really not have an answer at all?” “I guess you know as much as I know. That’s just this feeling of freedom, of belonging. I feel this also here in New York but Africa has one more advantage. I feel like when I'm there I am able to enjoy life more. I am more thankful for every second, more in a moment here and right now. I don’t know but there are two places for me that matters. New York City and the African continent and I can’t even explain it properly.” LaToya took her half empty glass and looked into the surface while moving it in the different angle. “You know, my brother was black. He had a huge obsession or passion on Africa as well. He wanted to go there and he was speaking about his origins all the time. I really saw it as a grief. I knew that was the grief he had. I don’t understand why. He was born there but he was always speaking about slavery, about how the States are romanticised by almost every American and European and many more people. I did not understand him but I tried. He got married. His wife really quickly got pregnant and Martin was beyond happy. He wanted this so much and when the daughter was born it turned out it’s not his. The daughter was white. He was disappointed because his wife didn’t tell him she got pregnant with white guy a little before they met. That broke him. He left her but then he got his things together and got back because he really loved her. They managed to get out of this but when their daughter was three, Lula died because she had a car accident. Martin had to put his dreams of getting to Africa aback and focus on rising daughter. He really learnt to love her paying no attention to the genetics. We were living together, supporting each other but I still didn’t understand him a tiny bit. We were not close but I liked his daughter. She was the only child I could manage to accept and even like. The worst thing..” LaToya finished the last sip from the glass and moved her glass towards Mad then gave a look on the bottle so the younger woman poured her more wine. “The word thing was one Martin got cancer. I saw him falling apart entirely. He was not able to accept he’ll never go to Africa. He stopped even caring for his daughter. She just closed himself to everybody and I only heard some tribal music from his room, sometimes sobbing, you know. I knew he’s not going to make it because he was not even fighting. I didn't understand him. I have never managed to do this but strangely enough, I feel like being with you makes me more understanding to him. And even more oddly, you remind me of him. That’s why I hired you. Because all of this made me expect you’ll be the right person. Passionate-driven. You really love Africa. And you write a book about what you love. How could that not be a success?  She smiled again and took another sip of the wine. Mad was quite surprised by her lack of cold today. Maybe, it was too far speaking but definitely she was more personal to her. Leo took her hand on the table and rub it gently. LaToya let her do this. They finished their drinks after food not speaking much after this story. “Would you like to have a smoke at my office?” said LaToya finally when they have already float a little into thoughts. “I would really not mind it at all.” replied Leo and helped her out with the coat. 

* LaToya rolled a joint really quickly and used her tongue to stick the paper together. Leo was impressed as she never learnt how to roll the cigarettes or joints that fast. She normally simply remained with plain package of Marlboro. The businesswoman sat on the table and lit the joint with half closed eyes. Mad stood up and walked towards her. She put her hands on the table having LaToya in between and she opened her mouths with the smoke in her direction. She gave her the joint. Mad took a good inhale and put her hand on LaToya’s waist. She laughed shortly and put the joint to the ashtray for a moment. They shared a glance for a while, Leo put hands on her cheeks and kissed her lips really deeply. LaToya unzipped her pants. They were kissing and Leo found her way to the zip of the older woman’s skirt. This time, under that she was wearing tights with garters and it was mind-blowing how she was looking that good in them. Leo was able to relax but she was not sure if she is really making a progress on not mixing more things but it was good to be not focused on the case with Paris. She moved her hand between LaToya’s legs and let herself melt into this gestures and all the fantasies she has had about the woman from the first moment they have met. Mad really needed that time after all that has happened. LaToya moaned louder and Leo moved her fingers upper. She just did not expect one thing but right now it was not the time she will figure it out. But without a doubt, she will do it soon.

[ticklishhpickle]

Even Santa Ships It

Summary: Phil wakes up the night before Christmas to find a sassy, sarcastic Christmas elf by the name of Dan in his kitchen, feet tangled up in Christmas lights and surrounded by gingerbread crumbs. Phil doesn’t mind.

Word count: 4.2k

Warnings: none

Read on AO3! ———-> http://archiveofourown.org/works/13078551

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“OW!”

Phil Lester yelped as his hand came into contact with the hot tray. It was probably a bad idea to not wear oven mitts. He rushed over to the sink to cool his burnt hand, turning on the cold water to full blast. Santa better be grateful, he thought as the cool liquid soothed his skin. After a few minutes of wound care, Phil felt his hand was well enough to ice the cookies he had left haphazardly cooling in his mortal enemy- the tray, that was half hanging off the bench.

Phil smiled as he finished icing the 25th and last cookie of the batch. He looked at his work, the lines on the gingerbread mens’ arms were a little too squiggly, but the small eyes and mouths were drawn on quite well, if Phil did say so himself. He did this every year. He would bake 25 cookies for Santa every Christmas, changing the type of cookie from year to year. Last year was shortbread, the year before macaroon, and the year before that snickerdoodle.

Phil’s flatmate, Paul, along with the rest of his friends and family thought it was absolutely ridiculous that Phil carried out this tradition.

“28 is too old to still entertain this idea that Santa is real!” Paul would always say. “And it’s getting kind of sad for you to keep making these cookies every year, only for them to go to waste. I’m sure you just throw them all out in the morning before I wake up.”

Phil knew better than these non-believers, however. Each and every morning without fail, Phil would wake up to find the cookie plate completely wiped, and he knew for a fact he hadn’t eaten them himself, and there was no way Paul would dispose of or eat all the cookies just to keep Phil’s belief in Santa alive- he was Phil’s worst critique when it came to this tradition, and in addition, a devout vegan.

Phil pushed his glasses up to the bridge of his nose. It was everyone else’s loss if they refused to believe in something that could guarantee them a nice gift and a bit more excitement in their life every year. Less work for Santa as well, anyway. Another Christmas eve would need to be added to the calendar in order for Santa to deliver gifts to believers and non-believers alike.

His musings had distracted him from the real job of cleaning up, so Phil made quick haste to clean all the flour of the counter. A dirty kitchen would not suffice for someone as amazing as Santa. After pouring a tall glass of almond milk(it was the only milk they had, Phil being lactose intolerant and Paul being a vegan) and placing it next to the cookies, Phil was satisfied and trudged upstairs to his bedroom, falling into a deep sleep.

It was only an hour or so later when Phil jumped awake, disturbed by the suspicious clattering downstairs. Phil groaned sleepily and attempted to fall back asleep, only to hear the clattering get louder. Wait. Phil thought. It’s Christmas! Could it be… Santa downstairs? Every other Christmas of Phil’s life, he had been good and slept through the night, despite the temptation to wake up and spy on the chubby man bringing him presents. But surely a peek wouldn’t hurt. Phil hesitated for a moment before hopping out of bed, nearly tripping over his plaid pyjama pants in the process.

Phil slowly crept to the top of the stairwell, cringing every time the floorboards squeaked a little.

He peered down, shaking with excitement to see the supposedly fat and white-haired man who had been bringing him presents every year without fail. What Phil did not expect to see was a mess of gingerbread pieces and crumbs covering the floor, several dented and poorly wrapped gifts spilling out of a sack, and an awkwardly tall figure who was attempting to wriggle his foot out of a string of Christmas lights. What the hell was going on?

Phil swiftly padded down the staircase and walked over to the figure.

“Who are you? And what are you doing in my house?!”

Phil felt his heart skip a beat when the figure turned around. The first thing Phil noticed was the warm, brown eyes of the stranger, nearly covered by a swept brown fringe. The second thing and third things Phil noticed was the dark green pointed hat he wore, that did little to cover the long pointy ears attached to his head.  

“Well, gee-whiz, you’re not even going to offer to help me? It’s not like, you know my feet are stuck in a pile of shitty dollar store lights, preventing me from moving.”

“Oh! Sorry about that!” Phil felt his face flush as he bent down to untangle the string of Christmas lights. He spent all of 10 seconds untangling the lights in silence before he realised.

“Wait. You never answered my question.” Phil eyed the admittedly good-looking stranger suspiciously.

“How impressive of you to have noticed!” The brown-haired boy rolled his eyes.

“You’re clearly not Santa, so who are you, and what are you doing in my flat?” Phil finished untangling the lights and stood up.

“Well what does it look like? I’m a fucking elf. You think I wear these candy stripe leggings because I like them?” Oh. Now Phil felt a bit stupid. The pointy ears alone should have been a dead giveaway from the start. Oops. Phil knew the reason he didn’t notice was probably because he was too distracted with the elf’s other facial features.

“Oh. That makes sense. But that doesn’t explain why you’re here, I’m 100% sure Santa’s the one who’s supposed to deliver all the presents on Christmas Eve…”

“Well Santa’s been a bit of a lazy little shit this year, it seems like.” Phil’s jaw dropped. Was he hearing this correctly? Weren’t Christmas elves supposed to be happy, bright and jovial, and most importantly,  respectful of Santa claus?

“I’m not kidding. The jolly old man literally makes me do all the work for the London precinct.”

Phil found himself holding back giggles at this. The statement itself wasn’t really funny in nature, it was just the way the elf had said ‘literally’, which made it sound more like ‘litTRAlly’. And to hear one of Santa’s own elves sassing the big man himself, was quite an experience in itself.

The elf seemed pleased that Phil was amused, a genuine smile on his face. “And don’t even get me started on the things he does to those reindeer, I mean whipping stopped being relevant the second Fifty Shades was published.”

This time Phil could not stop the wave of laughter that overtook his body. He laughed the hardest he had in weeks, his sides feeling like they were splitting.

“Oh my god,” He muttered, wiping tears of laughter from his eyes. “Seriously, who are you?” He shook his head at the ground, smiling.

“Dan. And don’t forget it.”

“So you’re telling me you, a literal Christmas elf got put on the naughty list? Is that even legal?”

Phil was astounded at the amazing stories Dan had been telling him for who knows how long. The two men- well the man and, one elf were sitting on Phil’s couch, indulging themselves in the gingerbread man Phil had so lovingly made before. To Phil’s surprise he and the sassy elf had quite a lot in common. They both liked Muse, Pokemon and agreed that memes were like pizza. When they were good, they were really good. And when they were bad, they were still pretty damn good.

“Yup. That’s Dan for you. And it literally wasn’t even intentional! I just- I kind of didn’t realise my earphones weren’t plugged into my phone, so Newborn was playing loud enough to wake up Santa- and all 37 other elves in the London precinct.”

Phil giggled for what had been probably the hundredth time that night, his tongue poking out of his teeth. He hated how it did that, it looked sooo stupid. He quickly covered his mouth with his hand, only to find Dan looking at him with a strange sort of fascination.

“Why do you cover your mouth whenever you laugh, Phil?” Dan’s eyes held something in them that Phil couldn’t name.

“Because I look stupid! My stupid tongue always pokes out of my teeth when I laugh, I look absolutely ridiculous.” Phil was even more embarrassed now, why did Dan have to ask him about that?

“I guess that’s something we don’t share a common opinion on then, hm?”

For the first time the entire night, an awkward silence fell over them. What was Phil supposed to say to that? Was that almost a compliment?!?  Oh god. And they were having such a nice time too! Phil had taken to staring at the wall behind Dan when he heard someone padding down the stairs.

“PHILIP MICHAEL LESTER,  who the hell is this and why is he in our house?” Paul exclaimed angrily, eyeing Dan up and down suspiciously. “And great cheap elf costume by the way, pfft.”

Don’t get him wrong, Phil loved his flatmate. It was just right now, he wouldn’t mind seeing the entirety of Paul and his sad existence burn in a wildfire.

“Paul! Don’t be rude! This is Dan, he’s an elf who’s been helping Santa out tonight. Santa’s too busy to visit all the houses in one night.” Phil knew this explanation would not satisfy Paul in the slightest, he was the biggest Santa/Christmas skeptic Phil knew.

“Yeah, pretty much.” Dan nodded casually, popping another piece of gingerbread man into his mouth.

Paul just glared at Phil disappointedly. “I’m going to give you one minute to admit that you hired an actor to play an elf, in order to convince me that the whole stupid Santa and Christmas elves thing is real, which you’ve been trying to do for the past five years.”

Phil was desperate to convince Paul of the truth, but he wasn’t sure how.

“No! Paul I didn’t hire anyone, you know I save all my money for new house plants, not this kind of stuff! He is a real elf!” Phil widened his eyes and stuck his bottom out a little. His pouty face always worked to soften Paul up a little, even in the worst situations.

“You can feel my ears if ya like, buddy. 100% real, they won’t come off.” Dan winked weirdly at Paul.

Phil wanted to slap Dan! Paul would not understand Dan’s weird, ironic but hilarious sense of humour. Wait, why was Phil acting as if he knew Dan’s humour well? They literally met a few hours ago, but for some reason it kinda felt like more. Phil decided not to dwell on it and instead focussed on Paul hesitantly stroking, and then pulling, rather harshly on Dan’s ears.

“FUCK OFF MATE!” Dan screeched when Paul gave a particularly hard tug.

“Alright fine, look, in the morning I’ll probably realise that it is just some really, really good silicon covering, but right now, I’m tired as shit and you know what Phil, if you say he’s an elf… he’s an elf. Anyway, who would wear those candy striped leggings willingly? Just try to keep it down please, Phil.” Paul sighed at the end of his small rant and plodded back up the stairs, leaving Dan and Phil alone again.

The awkward silence from before nearly settled back in before Dan broke it.

“So…”

“So… wait- don’t you have like at least, I don’t know, a few hundred other houses to deliver presents to?” Phil couldn’t believe he only just realised this, why was Dan wasting so much time with Phil, practically a stranger to him, when he had presents to deliver?

Dan looked like he had shit himself and been told he was adopted at the same time.

“Fuck.”

Phil poured himself a cup of hot chocolate and sighed. It had been a good few days since Christmas, and while the day itself was great, he couldn’t help but be reminded of the strangely tall, sarcastic he had met the other day. Phil would be lying to say that he kind of, may have wanted to get Dan’s number. What? You couldn’t blame him. Phil hadn’t connected with someone as well as he had with Dan for those few hours in… ever really. Maybe when he first met Paul, but that felt a lot more platonic, the difference here being he didn’t want to run his fingers through Paul’s hair, or cuddle him to sleep, or take him out for a cute movie date.

And now Phil was never going to see Dan again. Just great. It probably wouldn’t have worked out anyway. Phil tried to comfort himself. Elves must have very busy lives, there’s no way he would have time for a friendship with me, let alone a relationship if he even did turn out to be attracted to guys- which was unlikely. Phil just had to accept that he was probably not going to see Dan ever again. He plopped two white marshmallows into his now lukewarm hot chocolate and sighed once again.

Just as Phil was about to take his first sip of the beverage, a loud knock on the door interrupted him. Phil placed the mug back on the bench, before walking over. Phil swung the door open to reveal a very cute, and very drenched looking elf. Phil’s heart practically sang, was luck finally on his side for once?

“Dan! Hi! Come in! What are you doing here?” Phil tugged Dan in by the sleeve of his ridiculous elf outfit.

“Well, first of all, hi. And second of all, just a quick, run of the mill check, for the- the PSP.” Dan looked off to the side for a second before looking back at Phil, pulling out an official looking clipboard with papers.

“The what?”

“PSP. Present satisfaction policy. This year, Santa’s decided to implement a new, worldwide policy where we check on each person we’ve delivered a present to a few days after Christmas, just to make sure they’re enjoying the gift and putting it to good use. Sure, it will take up quite a bit of time, but personally, I think it’s a great idea.”

Something about what Dan was saying seemed off, but Phil couldn’t quite put his finger on it. Kind of like he was hiding something, but Phil didn’t want to question it. He was just happy to see Dan again.

“I have been putting the cactus Santa gave me to great use actually!  Want to come look?” Phil beamed, hoping to persuade Dan to stay longer at his flat. He knew Dan probably had thousands more people to ask, but he was feeling a bit selfish, wanting to keep Dan to himself for a bit longer.

Dan nodded and smiled, the little dimple on his left cheek that Phil had noticed the first night showing a little. Phil smiled back.

“This cactus looks like a dick.” Dan snorted, trying (and failing) to hide his amusement at Phil’s Christmas gift.

“Well… usually I would fight it, but, you’re not wrong. At all.” Phil grinned at Dan again.

“This cactus certainly puts the SUCC in succulent, doesn’t it Philly?” The cheeky elf smirked at Phil, happily awaiting his reaction.

“Not as succulent as your MUM!” This time, both Dan and Phil were in hysterics. Phil had to hold his stomach to stop it from hurting so much from the laughter. After a few long minutes the boys finally calmed down, and a silence settled over them, but this time it was not awkward. Phil caught himself staring at Dan’s mouth, before blushing profusely and quickly averting his gaze. He felt his cheeks heat up.

“So um, what did you think of Paul?” Phil asked, in an attempt to get normal conversation flowing again.

A look of conflict flashed across Dan’s face, before it returned to normal. “Oh, he was, quite… interesting. I just love guys who pull on my ears until they bleed.” Dan’s voice was dripping with sarcasm, not that that was anything out of the ordinary.

“Look, Paul’s actually a cool guy, he’s just not the best with new people, especially when those people aren’t people and they are elves.” Phil shrugged apologetically.

“Oh, yeah, I get that.” Dan nodded understandably. “So, are you and Paul…?” The brown-haired boy looked a little nervous, and in Phil’s honest opinion, it was quite adorable.

“Oh, god no. We’re just best friends. And Paul’s as straight as a ruler. Why do you ask?” Phil scoffed at the idea of Paul and him dating. That would be the most disgusting thing in the history of the world. He shuddered.

“Pfft, no reason,” Dan’s eyes refused to meet Phil’s. Dan was quick to change the subject, Phil noticed.

“Anyway, did I ever tell you about the time I gifted an axe to a twelve year old for Christmas?” 

Phil walked the streets of London in a great mood the next day. He had spent several hours with a particular elven friend the day before, just chatting, exchanging banter and learning all the intel on Santa claus and co. Apparently there was a different Christmas precinct for each city in the world, but only one Santa. He was practically skipping down the road, but who could blame him? He had the number of a cute boy (who was probably straight but that was besides the matter), knowledge of what the real Santa actually looked like (thanks to said cute boy), and cute boy was coming over to Phil’s for a round of video games in a few hours. So it really was Dan, not Phil’s fault when Phil skipped right into someone on the path.

Phil instinctively yelped when his butt hit the solid ground. That was going to leave a mark. He looked over to the person he bumped into and his eyes widened. The man, sprawled on the ground like a defenseless turtle was the one and only Santa Claus, looking exactly like the picture Dan showed him just a few days earlier. Same bald spot, same glasses, and same brown sweater Dan swore he wore religiously.

“Santa? Is that you?” Phil felt overjoyed! This was the man he had been relentlessly baking cookies for, ever since he was four years old. Was this even real?

Santa had stood up by now, looking very concerned and ready to bolt.

“H-how do you know it’s me? Is my disguise not working that well?” The man’s voice was rich and deep, just how Phil always imagined it to be. His disguise, however, had room for improvement to say the least. Wearing a brown jumper didn’t disguise the fact that he looked like the walking advertisement for literally every Christmas product ever. Phil did not say this however, who was he to insult his idol?

“Oh! No, it’s a great disguise. I only know it’s you because one of your elves showed me a photo of you the other day. But that’s not the point. The point is, I can’t believe I’ve finally met you after all these years! Do you know how many cookies I’ve baked for you? I change the type of cookie every year!” Phil gushed out, his inner fangirl screaming.

A look of recognition washed over the old man’s face, followed by pure, childlike glee.

“Yes! Little Phil Lester! You’ve been baking 25 cookies for me every year since you were four years old. Last year was shortbread, the year before was macaroons, and the year before that was snickerdoodles! Now son, I’m not just saying this, but your cookies are THE BEST cookies I’ve ever had, and I’ve had a lot of cookies, I know, it may surprise you.” Santa nodded at Phil, obviously expecting him to nod back in agreement.

“And I love how you change the type of cookie every year! Do you know how sick I’m getting of chocolate chip? Could these kids BE any more basic with their cookie choices? You’ve done well, son.” Santa gave him a pat on the back, and Phil thought he might faint.

“Wow, Santa, I’m so glad you liked my cookies so much, I really do put so much effort into them. And I think it’s really great how you’ve started that present satisfaction policy, too! I think it will be really helpful, especially for kids who don’t always know what presents they want.”

Santa frowned, the lines in his forehead creasing up, and he cocked his head to the side. “Sorry son? What was this present policy you speak of?”

“You know, the policy you created to ensure maximum satisfaction of gifts where you send elves to check on everyone who’s been given a gift to make sure they like it?” Santa’s face still showed no signs of recognition, remaining creased and confused.

“Your elf Dan told me about it…” Phil trailed off awkwardly. 

The corners of the old man’s lips turned up at the mention of Dan’s name. Something had clicked in his brain, Phil was sure of that. He just wasn’t sure what. 

“Alright Philip, maybe you should speak to Dan about that, but I definitely did not impose any such policy of the sort.” He let out a hearty chuckle before patting Phil on the shoulder and walking away.

“And tell Dan Santa says to go for it!” he yelled, before turning the corner and disappearing.

Phil had never been more confused in his life. Why would Dan lie about something like that, especially when there wasn’t really anything he could gain from it? All he got from it was spending a few hours alone with Phil and- oh. Phil felt a blush creep up his neck and his heart swell. Surely it couldn’t though, what were the chances of the guy Phil was crushing on hard actually liking him back? Phil thought back to all the times Dan had blushed in his presence, or stared at Phil for a little too long, that Phil had previously chalked down to nervousness. Perhaps the chances weren’t as low as he had originally thought.

Phil was practically bursting at the seams with anticipation when Dan finally came over, video games in hand and a smile on his soft face. As soon as Phil had greeted him and seated him on the couch, he swooped.

“So I saw Santa today.”

“Ah, yes. In the picture on the back of your expired advent calendar, perhaps? Or maybe on the custom made bauble from the tree you still have up, even though Christmas was a week ago, Philly?” Dan quipped idly.

Phil shook his head. “No.” Oh boy was Dan in for a big treat.

“Actually, I saw him in the city today, I recognised him from the photo you showed me yesterday. Great guy, you know. He’s a big fan of my cookies.” Phil was giddy with excitement, his knees jittering.

The elf’s face showed no signs of worry, and he gestured at Phil to go on, still oblivious as to what was going to happen next.

“But you know what he isn’t Dan? The creator of the ‘Present Satisfaction Policy’. I think that title goes to you. And I think I know why.” Phil smirked. “It’s because you,” Phil tapped him on the nose, “Have a little crush on me, and wanted to see me again.”

Phil wasn’t exactly sure what reaction to expect from Dan, but it was definitely not what followed. Dan turned completely red in the face, his hands sweating profusely. There were a few seconds of painful silence before,

“Yeah cause I totally just made up a policy just so I could see you again, ‘cause I totally thought you were super cute when we met on Christmas Eve and just an overall lovely person and couldn’t NOT see you again.”

Phil opened his mouth to respond, but Dan wasn’t finished.

“And as if I’d rant to ‘Santa’,” Dan used unnecessary air quotes when he said this,  “about how ‘cute’ I thought you were, which led to him ‘convincing’ me to asking you ‘out’. Pffft, you know how stupid that sounds?”

“Um, what?”

For the first time, Phil saw Dan at a loss for words.

“Shit. I didn’t meant that. I don’t like you that way! If that’s, um what that made you think. I just tend to get a little carried away with my sarcasm sometimes.”

“Are you sure about that Dan?”

Dan looked at the ground, avoiding all eye contact with Phil.

“Yes…

“Because, if theoretically you did happen to have maybe even a tiny, little crush on me. I would theoretically tell you that I do in fact too, have a tiny, little crush on you too. And I wouldn’t mind taking you out, say, on a date sometime in the near future. This is all hypothetical though.”

“Okay I lied. I’m gay as shit for you.”

Phil grinned before tackling him into a hug.

“Me too, Dan. Me too.”

It was one hour later when Paul arrived back to the flat, groceries in both hands, only to find his roommate engaged in a heated makeout session with a Christmas elf. It was time to move out. 

[aion-rsa]

The Silence of the Lambs: Brooke Smith on Surviving Buffalo Bill

https://ift.tt/37cOLgW

Brooke Smith has enjoyed a career spanning more than three decades across the big and small screen. She’s starred in the cult classic Series 7: The Contenders, had roles in blockbusters including Interstellar and featured prominently on Grey’s Anatomy, Ray Donovan, and Bates Motel to name but a few. 

Yet to some, she will always be remembered as Catherine Martin, the daughter of Senator Ruth Martin who winds up being kidnapped by Jame Gumb, aka Buffalo Bill, in The Silence of The Lambs. Not that fans always immediately realise it.

“I don’t get recognized for it that much compared with something like Grey’s Anatomy,” she tells Den of Geek. “With The Silence of the Lambs, it’s more like ‘wait a minute, how do I know you?’. I would get that at the school my kids went to. They knew me but they just couldn’t quite figure it out.” 

Smith was a relative newcomer to acting when she was cast as Catherine back in 1989 having spent her formative years as part of the CBGB New York punk scene. But she possessed one crucial quality: she was fearless. “I was just a gung-ho young actress who wanted to do something I didn’t think I could do,” she explains.  

The role of Catherine certainly presented a worthy challenge. While the majority of Jonathan Demme’s film focuses on Jodie Foster’s FBI-agent-in-training Clarice Starling and her attempts at coaxing Anthony Hopkins’s dangerously disarming cannibal Hannibal Lecter into helping track down Buffalo Bill, played by Ted Levine, Smith took on the crucial role of the serial killer’s hostage, trapped down a disused well in the basement-turned-dungeon of his seemingly ordinary suburban home. 

It’s her welfare and fate that provides the emotional heartbeat of an otherwise dread-fuelled psychological thriller. As time wears on, Catherine’s increasingly desperate and distressing state only cranks up the tension with audiences aware of the horrifying fate potentially awaiting her.  When Demme first met with Smith to discuss the part he had one important question for Smith: “Why on Earth would you ever want to do this?” 

“I did not audition,” she explains. “That would never happen now. They would never just hire an unknown actor for such an important part. He brought me in and explained to me what he had in mind. He didn’t have to convince me much. If anything, I had to convince him that I was going to go all the way. That I was really going to go as far as I could go as Catherine.” 

She saw some parallels between her relationship with her mother – trailblazing Hollywood publicist Lois Smith – and that of Catherine and her own high-profile politician mom. 

Smith also credits her friend at the time, Michelle Pfeiffer, with helping her get the part. “My mother looked after Michelle Pfeiffer, which was how we met. She was considering playing the part of Clarice. She had done Married to the Mob with Jonathan. She told him about me.” 

Pfeiffer was Demme’s original choice for the role of Clarice while he initially approached Sean Connery for the role of Lecter. Both turned the film down, with Pfeiffer deciding the subject matter was too dark.  Smith does wonder what the film might have turned out like had she signed on to star. 

“I think of Jodie as very intelligent and analytical. There is something about her being so analytical that made Clarice so fascinating. It would have been different with Michelle, maybe more emotional. I’m not sure.” 

While Pfeiffer rejected the chance to star in The Silence of the Lambs, there were some trying to dissuade Smith from her involvement. “There was one agent in particular who said I was forever going to be known as the fat girl in the pit. Which is…partly true,” she jokes. 

Eager to immerse herself in the role of Catherine, Smith prepared herself for the experience of being trapped in a pit by locking herself in a wardrobe while ruminating on the “worst possible circumstances” someone would face in such a situation.

“It was a basement closet. I went in, closed the door and turned the light off. I thought about what it would be like to be in those circumstances. Stuff like what would it be like if your contact lenses dried out or if you had your period. I stayed in there for about an hour at a time.” 

Part of Buffalo Bill’s modus operandi in the film saw him target plus size women. That created the first major challenge for Smith who was required to put on 25 pounds for the part.

“Because I had been a heavy teenager and lost all the weight to be an actress, to then have to gain it all back really messed with my head,” she says. 

There were positives and negatives to the experience though. “I was in an acting class with Vincent D’Onofrio and he had just done Full Metal Jacket where he gained like 75 pounds. I remember him saying ‘make sure the studio gives you a credit card, you shouldn’t be paying for your food’ which I would never have thought of. They did actually give me a credit card and I remember taking Ted Levine to dinner most nights when we were shooting.”

But just as with any role that requires a drastic transformation, putting the weight on proved a challenge.

“It was physically exhausting though because of the weight,” she says. “And after it was done, it was difficult as an actress struggling with how I was supposed to look and getting the weight off. I ate a lot of ice cream and pizza and milkshakes. Stuff like that. It sounds amazing to most people but it did put me off that kind of food a little bit.” 

Reading Ted Tally’s Oscar-winning script ahead of filming, Smith felt a sense of fear and intimidation for what lay ahead. 

“There was this one line that scared the hell out of me,” she says. “When Catherine sees the fingernails on the side of the pit – the fake nails that have come off – in the script it just said ‘screams and screams and screams.’ I just thought ‘oh my God, I don’t think I can do that’.” 

Despite some initial confidence-sapping struggles with continuity and hitting her mark during the scene where Catherine first encounters Buffalo Bill, once her character is confined to the basement pit, Smith was in her element. Getting in and out of the pit was something of a complicated procedure, so Smith would often stay down there between camera setups, taking care not to drink too much water in order to avoid any unnecessary bathroom breaks. 

Read more

TV

Clarice: How Does The Show Compare to Hannibal?

By Gabriel Bergmoser

Movies

The Silence of the Lambs and Clarice’s Lifelong Battle Against the Male Gaze

By David Crow

“I would get myself worked up before we shot. Every day I set out to achieve something and if I got it all out, I felt great. It was like primal therapy. Just going as far as I could and releasing it all…I wonder if I could do it again,” she says. “I remember doing a real mind fuck on myself. At certain points they would take some of the wall away from the side of the pit and be down there filming my misery. I remember getting into this headspace where I would be thinking ‘not only are these people not helping me, they are actually exploiting me and filming me in this horrible space.’ It was just this crazy, extreme thing that added to it all.” 

Occasionally, Smith’s suffering went beyond psychological. 

“I ripped a toenail. It was nasty.  The pit was made out of some kind of fiberglass. They had told me to go crazy so I did and then suddenly there was blood. It took a while for that nail to grow back.” 

Though she suffered for her art, Smith credits Demme with fostering a brilliant atmosphere on set that motivated everyone to bring their A-game. “Jonathan treated us like we were the best people for the job, whether it was Jodie or the people in craft service. He had a way of making everyone want to do their best.” 

As a director, Demme also wasn’t afraid of coaxing more out of his cast, and she says that he. “never thought it was possible to go too far.” 

“There was a guy on set from the FBI who said he had seen similar things in real-life and I remember Jonathan saying that I should try to do it for all the people who are in horrible situations and could not get out. So, no pressure or anything.” 

Smith recalls one particularly strange and intense conversation held in the pit when Demme looked her dead in the eyes and said “You know that feeling when you’re in prison?”  “I had to be like ‘um, no,” Smith says laughing. 

Away from Demme, Smith also found support among her fellow cast mates. Though she didn’t interact much with Hopkins (“Tony sort of stayed in his own world”), Foster proved invaluable in helping her understand the intricacies of filmmaking and things like “overlapping” on dialogue. 

She formed her strongest bond and friendship, however, with Levine, despite the adversarial nature of their relationship on the screen. 

“I respect him so much as an actor. When the camera was on me and it was my coverage, he gave just as much, if not more. He just had my back. At times I was in awe of him and asking how he did things.” 

Levine has long since stopped answering questions about his breakthrough performance as Buffalo Bill in The Silence of the Lambs but Smith is able to offer some insight into what went into his terrifying portrayal. Levine famously drew on real-life serial killers like Ed Gein and Ted Bundy, but also offered up another, more unique perspective in his discussions with Smith. “I remember him saying he had a toddler at the time and he had observed how extreme their behavior could be. They act like they are going to die one minute and are then just so happy the next. I think he was tapping into something there.” 

Smith remembers the moment she first saw Levine’s terrifying solo dance number as Gumb and how it blew everyone away.

“I saw it in the dailies and Ted did not go. I saw him after and told him it was amazing. I don’t think that was in script. He just came up with it. It’s totally terrifying.” 

She does empathise with Levine’s decision to close the book on The Silence of the Lambs too, having herself endured the “strange” experience of fans heckling her with shouts of “it puts the lotion on the skin” a line said by Buffalo Bill to Catherine as he prepares her for her eventual murder. “It’s really hard when people only see you as one character and I can understand not wanting to be seen as Jame Gumb. I think he maybe feels like he’s said all he wants to say.” 

Ultimately though, she credits the experience as one which helped her work through personal issues.  

“It got me in touch with some stuff in myself that I had to work on,” she says. “At the time it wasn’t so easy for me to fight back as Catherine. Working on this film made me think ‘wait why wouldn’t I fight back that much, what’s my problem with me?’ I wrote a letter to Jonathan thanking him for helping me get in touch with that. I came upon some self-worth.” 

A critical and commercial hit, The Silence of the Lambs went on to sweep the board at the 1991 Oscars, becoming only the third film to win Academy Awards in the top five categories for Best Picture, Best Director, Best Actor, Best Actress, and Best Adapted Screenplay.  The film’s success “thrilled” Smith and only added to a sense of vindication in her decision to pursue a career as an actor.

“My mom knew how hard it was to be an actor. There was a discussion between us like ‘Are you really sure you want to do this?’ The Silence of the Lambs ended that. She had great taste in actors. To see her be proud was nice.” 

Demme would go on to further acclaim with his next film Philadelphia as part of a directing career that continued until 2015. He passed away in 2017, aged 73. Smith last saw him, by chance, at a yoga class. “He was just his usual, sweet, positive self.”  

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“Jonathan was such a great guy. The whole experience felt like he was throwing a party and you were lucky to be invited. It was a really special project.” 

The post The Silence of the Lambs: Brooke Smith on Surviving Buffalo Bill appeared first on Den of Geek.

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[thenotoriousscuttlecliff]

Moffat Era Rewatch: The Day of the Doctor

On the last day of the Time War, before he made his greatest mistake, the man formally known as the Doctor is given a vision of his future...

Warning: Spoilers Sweetie 

Awww, the classic titles.

Coal Hill School before they ruined it by turning it into an academy. Fuck you, David Cameron and your Big Society, you fat pig fucker. 

“Waste no more time arguing about what a good man should be. Be one. Marcus Aurelius.” Clara teaching her students about her pinups. Later she teaches them about Jane Austen. Clara just uses her job to bag about all the people she fancies, doesn’t she? 

Most epic TARDIS entrance made by someone not named River Song. 

There goes the Doctor breaking the fourth wall again.  

That book has a little TARDIS on it.

Clara Oswald, so amazing she is able to snap her singers while wearing leather gloves. 

Kate’s ringtone is the TARDIS noise.

Hello, Osgood. 

“Nice scarf.”

You’re terrible at having a job, Doctor. You show up out of the blue, do a few days work and the disappear without even handing in your notice. You only get hired because you never claim a salary. 

“No more.” 

“Time Lord art. Bigger on the inside.”

The Last Day of the Time War... 

The Time War is like the War of Wrath from The Silmarillion, it’s just too big and epic to ever depict on screen in a satisfying way. Which is why it is a good thing that this episode doesn’t show us the actual war. We just get a glimpse of its end, after all the big battles have been fought and lost, the Time Lords are on the their last legs, and Rassilon is hidden away like Hitler in his bunker, ranting and raving and blaming everyone else for his own inept leadership.  

“To hell with the High Council. Their plans have already failed.” So does this take place just after ‘The End of Time’ or at the same time? If it’s the latter that means the Tenth Doctor is simultaneously destroying/saving Gallifrey

“How do you use a weapon of ultimate mass destruction when it can stand in judgment on you?” 

The barn. We thought it was just some random location, but it turned out to be so much more. 

I love the War Doctor. So much so that I wish there had been more secret Doctors played by the type of big name actors you know the show could ever get full time.  

“It's nothing. It's just a wolf.” Welcome back, Billie Piper. 

I wasn’t that keen on Billie coming back because I’m not a fan of Rose, plus I was a little resentful that she was the only former companion being brought back. But I ended up really liking her in this episode, probably because she wasn’t playing Rose. 

Still disappointed that no other companions came back, though. Not that I think this should’ve been a big reunion with companions showing up left right and centre. The last thing this needed to be was another ‘Five Doctors’. Moffat should really be commended for his restraint, because this could’ve easily been a mess if he had gone overboard on the fan services and Easter eggs.  

Still, would’ve been nice if just one classic companion had been there. I bet is Elisabeth Sladen was still alive they would’ve asked her to appear.

“Stuck between a girl and a box. Story of your life, eh, Doctor?” 

No one expects a fez. 

So was that horse Arthur? 

Look, it’s David’s controversial not as spiky as it should be hair. God, I don’t even want to know how many angry Tumblr posts were written about that. 

“I'm not English.” No, David John McDonald, you’re not. 

“You're a Zygon.” He’s probably been waiting his whole life to say that. I bet Moffat didn’t even have to persuade him to be in this, he just had to said “Zygons, David” and he ran back to Wales as fast as his skinny legs could carry him.  

“Whatever you've got planned, forget it. I'm the Doctor. I'm nine hundred and four years old. I'm from the planet Gallifrey in the constellation of Kasterborous. I am the Oncoming Storm, the Bringer of Darkness, and you are basically just a rabbit, aren't you? Okay, carry on. Just a general warning.”

The long awaited return of the Fifth, Sixth and Seventh Doctors. 

“Now, I want this stone dust analysed. And I want a report in triplicate, with lots of graphs and diagrams and complicated sums on my desk, tomorrow morning, ASAP, pronto, L O L. See? Job. Do I have a desk?”

What was so special about this fez that they needed to lock it away in the Under Gallery?  

The Doctors comparing the size of their, ahem, screwdrivers.

The face(s) of a man who just realised he made out with a Zygon. 

“There's two of us. I'm reversing it, you're reversing it back again. We're confusing the polarity.”

“Why are you pointing your screwdrivers like that? They're scientific instruments, not water pistols.” 

“Brave words, Dick van Dyke.”

“Oh, the pointing again. They're screwdrivers! What are you going to do, assemble a cabinet at them?” Not every day you get scolded by your younger self. 

“Timey-wimey?” "I've no idea where he picks that stuff up.” Rule 1, the Doctor lies. 

I could honestly watch these three bickering all day.  

“Shall we ask for a better quality of door so we can escape?”

The Black Archive, home of all the Easter eggs.  

“Think about it. Americans with the ability to rewrite history? You've seen their movies.” Trump isn’t letting a lack of time travel stop him rewrite history and erase the Obama Administration. 

“Help to pass the timey-wimey.” 

The man who regrets and the man who forgets.

“Hang on. Three of you in one cell, and none of you thought to try the door?” This is Doctor Who in a nutshell. The Doctor is so consumed by how clever he is that, unlike the companion, he fails to notice the bleedin’ obvious.  

Those creatures? Has Osgood not read up on UNIT history? 

And this is why you don’t fuck with a Tudor. 

“Is there a lot of this in the future?” “It does start to happen, yeah.” Wait until you meet your future wife, then there’ll be a lot more than kissing. 

Who doesn’t love the round things?  

“Oh, you've redecorated. I don't like it.” He’s so offended. How dare this stick insect not like his TARDIS. 

Just how dangerous are River’s heels? 

“Somewhere in your memory is a man called Brigadier Alistair Gordon Lethbridge Stewart. I am his daughter.” And that is the exact point that Zygon Kate knew they were fucked. 

“You tell yourself it's justified, but it's a lie. Because what I did that day was wrong. Just wrong.” And yet a lot of people do try to justify it simply because they don’t like that Moffat undid it. 

“Peace in our time.” And that worked out just as well as when Neville said it. 

There you go, Doctor, a big red button. 

“Great men are forged in fire. It is the privilege of lesser men to light the flame.”

A lot of people really hated the shots of the children playing. I think they preferred it if Time Lords were all just evil people so it made it okay that the Doctor killed them. 

I really did think they were going to push the button and kill them all. I was so relived when they didn’t. Committing genocide would really not have been the best way to celebrate 50 years of Doctor Who.

This here is why the companions are so important and why the Doctor must never travel alone. If the Doctor had been alone he would’ve pushed that button and killed them all. But Clara was there, representing all those who came before her, to remind the Doctor not only of the many innocent lives he about to take, but also who is he. Not a warrior, not a hero, but a Doctor. 

“Then what do I do?” "What you've always done. Be a doctor.”

“Never cruel or cowardly.” "Never give up, never give in.”

“Gentlemen, I have had four hundred years to think about this. I've changed my mind.” This isn’t seven years of character development being wiped away, this is the result of that development. 

“Oh, Bad Wolf girl, I could kiss you.” "Yeah, that's going to happen.” 

“No, sir. All thirteen!” Capaldi intensifies. 

“Geronimo!” "Allons-y!” "Oh, for God's sake. Gallifrey stands!”

“So I won't remember that I tried to save Gallifrey rather than burn it. I'll have to live with that. But for now, for this moment, I am the Doctor again.”  

“I suppose it makes sense. Wearing a bit thin.” Miss you so much, Sir John. 

You fucking smoothie, Ten. 

“I don't want to go.”  If David returns for the 60th will they find another way to make these his final words again? 

Tom!!! My favourite Doctor. Still wonderful after all these years.

Can’t describe how happy it makes me to see my two favourite Doctors together on screen. 

“Oh, it's entirely up to you. Your choice, eh? I can only tell you what I would do if I were you. Oh, if I were you. Oh, perhaps I was you, of course. Or perhaps you are me." 

“Clara sometimes asks me if I dream. Of course I dream, I tell her. Everybody dreams. But what do you dream about, she'll ask. The same thing everybody dreams about, I tell her. I dream about where I'm going. She always laughs at that. But you're not going anywhere, you're just wandering about. That's not true. Not any more. I have a new destination. My journey is the same as yours, the same as anyone’s. It's taken me so many years, so many lifetimes, but at last I know where I'm going. Where I've always been going. Home, the long way round.” 

Yeah, the effect isn’t that great, but this shot still brings a tear to my eye. 

Next Time: The Time of the Doctor

[ahouseoflies]

The Best Films of 2017, Part II

Part I can be found here. I should have mentioned the films I haven’t seen, which include BPM; Faces Places; The Square; Coco; Thelma; Last Flag Flying; Roman J. Israel, Esq.; Wonder Wheel; Jane; and I, Daniel Blake. Long-time AHOLs also know that I’m in the fifth year of a self-imposed five-year break from superhero culture, so I haven’t seen Logan or Thor or whatever else. With that: ENDEARING CURIOSITIES WITH BIG FLAWS 87. The Great Wall (Zhang Yimou)-  Zhang Yimou's The Great Wall has a lot in common with Wong Kar-Wai's The Grandmaster. Both are high-concept international co-productions that bear just enough of the filmmaker's signature but feel unfortunately cut to ribbons in the editing room. Computers have made us all a little worse at our jobs, Zhang included, and his spectacle is achieved despite CGI, not because of it. I liked watching a boulder's journey through the stages of being catapulted, even if it eventually landed into a physics-negligent pit of cartoon monsters. By the end, the picture is more bloodless, sexless, and simplistic than a game of toy soldiers, which makes it seem just as child-like. It's a forgettable sort of fun, but it is often fun. 86. The Ghost in the Shell (Rupert Sanders)- A bit more comprehensible than the original but far less beautiful. It's a shame that visions of future exteriors haven't improved or at least changed since Blade Runner. Big advertisements. Got it. (Also, we have telepathic walkie-talkies, but people sleep on the floor?) There are a few good ideas drizzled around. If people can basically toggle back and forth between languages, why not hire a famous actor who doesn't speak English for one of the supporting roles? Speaking of acting though, Johansson is pretty bad in this, hamstrung by the whole playing-a-robot problem. (She looks as good as she ever has though, which is saying something.) She could have taken some notes from Michael Pitt, who brings some edge and skitter to his cybernetic replicant or whatever they call it. 85. Wilson (Craig Johnson)- It hits the notes that a Daniel Clowes property usually does: misanthropy, formlessness, begrudging acceptance at the end. I laughed a few times and appreciated the huge left-turn at the two-thirds mark, but I didn't think it amounted to much. 84. Patti Cake$ (Geremy Jasper)-  Other than the Basterd character, there's nothing really broken about this movie, but I'm selling on anything with double-digit dream sequences. 

83. Colossal (Nacho Vigalondo)- The ending, both the final act and the final note, went a long way to save what was a tedious sit for me. I appreciate the big swings that everyone took with this budget and material--Sudeikis once again gets to show impressive range. But this is an hour of material stretched to an hour and forty-nine minutes. 82. Rough Night (Lucia Aniello)- Hide-the-body movies never work, but what makes this one disappointing is that there's a daring, original corrective somewhere on the margins. You can tell from the comparatively tame bachelor party or the unexpectedly positive threesome that this movie has refreshing ideas, but both the Machine and TV visuals from a TV director shaved the edge down. No one wants to hear such a thing about a sorely-needed female-driven comedy, but Paul W. Downs is the funniest thing in this. 81. Beauty and the Beast (Bill Condon)- Shout-out to the morons protesting this movie's gayness but not realizing that the original was always an allegory for AIDS. These live-action remakes are all around the same quality, but this one feels especially bloated, with really dicey CGI. Things get borderline boring in between the musical numbers, but, man, do those numbers hold up. There's the title track obviously, but songs that would be throwaways in something else--"Gaston," "Be Our Guest," "Something There"--are BANGERZ here. The real IP is the music, and Disney is just going to get each generation's Josh Gad to sing them forever. 80. Darkest Hour (Joe Wright)- This movie reminded me of The Imitation Game in the sense that it's a staid presentation with a solid structure that feels cheap whenever it zooms out beyond its back rooms. The grander version of this, which Joe Wright in some ways already made, is probably just as unsatisfying, but it wouldn't have the pinnacle of goofiness that will hereupon be known as The Underground Scene. I’m a bit bored of this type of film. Darkest Hour might be worth seeing for Oldman's performance, which is a true transformation, absent of any actory vanity but invested with some real myth-making. Churchill gets introduced with just his hat, then lit by just a match, then lit by a shock of sunlight. Oldman is very good in his scenes with Scott Thomas, so it's a shame that her character disappears for a half-hour at a time. The more troubling thing to note is that there are many men in this film who are so English that they can't pronounce their r's. If you catch it eawly, it's a weal distwacting pwoblem. 79. The Fate of the Furious (F. Gary Gray)- Since some of the dumbest stuff is some of the best stuff*, I'm not going to get caught in the web of assessing how much sense The Fate of the Furious makes. But I can say that this entry is the least intentionally funny of the series, and other than "the White girls' soccer team is the Monarchs," it loses some of the class undressing of 6 and 7. From the endless scene-setting to the overstuffed character roster, this is now more of a comic book than a movie, an exercise in being a plot without being a narrative. *- See: the "make it rain" sequence, Statham swinging the baby carrier through a gun battle, Rock redirecting the missile with his bare hands.

78. Nobody Speak: Trials of the Free Press (Brian Knappenberger)- The first hour, centering on the Hulk Hogan/Gawker case, is compulsively watchable, even if it doesn't shed much extra light for anyone who followed it when it happened. Terry Bollea explaining that his penis is shorter than ten inches while Hulk Hogan's, the character's, is not: That's what I signed up for. When that case veers into the bizarrely vengeful, pretty much when Peter Thiel comes in, Nobody Speak becomes something else. The final third pits the sensitive, diligent bullpen of the Las Vegas Review-Journal against billionaire liver spot Sheldon Adelson, who bought their paper to suppress it. Then, of course, the doc expands to Donald Trump's vilification of the free press. If that sounds like a straight line, it doesn't come off that way in the film. The Hogan/Gawker stuff, which takes up the majority of the running time, feels unresolved after all the tangents. 77. The Reagan Show (Sierra Pettengill, Pacho Velez)- I'm cringing for the next five years, in which I'll have to judge a movie's success based on how subtly it invokes its mandatory Donald Trump comparisons and allegories. They're coming. In general, it's kind of sad to see how much more literate people were even thirty years ago, even as they populated a medium we all agreed was low culture. This documentary feels sharp at first, understanding something essential about the way Reagan owned his own persona. With the American Right treating him like some patron saint, it's also helpful to remember how much pushback he got at the end of his second term, for something that would be, like, the fiftieth most controversial thing Donald Trump would have done already. (See?) When the doc gets to its own fascination with Reagan's Star Wars program, however, it basically loses its thesis. As lean as it is, it still sort of stumbles to the finish line. 76. Beatriz at Dinner (Miguel Arteta)- I appreciated this portrayal of a culture clash way more than I liked it. For a while the characters are highly specific. (The delivery of "It's 6:13, Kathy" made me laugh out loud.) Then the plot turns into "Oh, so we're talking about Trump's America, right?" (See?) Here's a critique that's catty every time: This film has great ideas about class and race if you've never thought about class and race before. 75. I, Tonya (Craig Gillespie)- Oscar is calling...for the fat dude playing Shawn Eckhardt and no one else. If Allison Janney wins for doing the thing she always does over Laurie Metcalf's fully realized human, then it's a huge mistake. Successful in some of its comedic goals, especially in its depiction of northwestern goons, the shame of the working class, and period detail. (I laughed out loud when I saw the Girbaud tag on Gilooly's jeans.) Unsuccessful in most of its other goals--if I'm even reading the film correctly in my assumption of those goals. The most obvious one is the slippery nature of the truth, and that idea is handled clumsily. Gillespie goes to great GoodFellas-aping lengths to grapple with perception--having characters break the fourth wall even though there are already voiceovers and to-camera interviews. That talking to the camera comes up a few times in the disturbing scenes of domestic violence, which do humanize the characters because the other elements of the film can't, but they distract the viewer with their blitheness. The most puzzling angle of the film is the Hard Copy reporter, played by Bobby Cannavale in yet another example of his agent not knowing how famous he is. It's a missed opportunity in a movie full of them. 74. It (Andy Muschietti)- I don't get why people went nuts for this. The ensemble avails itself pretty well, despite all the sitcom-y dialogue. (Dialogue that, based on the Stephen King that I've read, is probably faithful to the book.) Some of the visuals nail the distinction between surreal and unreal--my favorite is the children's TV show that sporadically drifts into the murderous. But the movie just kind of hangs there, all the way to its interminable ending, satisfied with its own literal presentation of events that seem to be metaphorical. As I understand, It--however It manifests itself--represents the death of childhood and the emergence of an adult banality of evil. But the movie engages with that level as little as possible, and maybe that's why people are going nuts for it. This is a scary movie if you're a child, and most of the moviegoing public seem to be children. 73. Before I Fall (Ry Russo-Young)- I mostly watched this because I think Zoey Deutch is a Movie Star, and if I'm going to be there for her Speed, I have to be there for her Love Potion No. 9's as well. I appreciated Before I Fall's brevity, but the premise offers a lot more fun than the film is willing to have. In the end the balance was off: It had to be either more moralistically PG-13 or go way darker. For example, just like in Groundhog Day, the character realizes that she'll live out the same day no matter what she does, and it triggers a nihilistic phase. But rather than going on a shooting spree or stealing stuff from a mall, she just, like, wears a sexier dress and talks back to her parents. Good swing, kids, but I'm waiting for the crazier version.

72. War Machine (David Michod)- There are some standout moments in War Machine, many of which are thanks to its impressive cast, but I don't think the film is cohesive enough for me to recommend. I know what Michod is against--counter-insurgency, military hubris--but it's harder to figure out what he's arguing for beyond some sort of level of transparency. The war sequence near the end feels at odds with the tone of everything else, even though it benefits from the Nick Cave and Warren Ellis score. In a similarly frustrated vein, I feel as if I know exactly who Glen McMahon is, and the script's greatest strength is how sharply it draws him, but Pitt's studied performance adds distance to it. It's as if all of the film's comedic nature is supposed to come from how people revolve around his straight man, and that expectation is too much to put on his shoulders. There's more than a little Bud Turgidson in the voice Pitt affects, but the difference is that, as mean as this sounds, I always believed George C. Scott when he played a smart person. 71. The Trip to Spain (Michael Winterbottom)- Diminishing returns. 70. Downsizing (Alexander Payne)- There's a meta-effect to the structure of Downsizing. Its characters decide to shrink themselves, finding unpredictable challenges in the process, and the film similarly gets more problematic as it focuses further into each of its four legs. The first part, the outside world, is when the film is at its most cutting and well-observed. It still lays its points on thickly--dude at the bar asking if downsized people should be able to vote, for example--but the questions are worth asking. The second part, Leisureland, the bourgeois subdivision lil' Damon lives in, is more satirical and less satisfying. (I do love that downsizing ends up being such a gauche pursuit though. Payne has always had his finger on the pulse of people with poor taste.) The third part, which takes place in the downsizing slums, is a sharp, unfunny left turn that discards characters but at least develops the protagonist further. And then the wheels come off in Norway. At least we got to hear Udo Kier say, "I do love my boat." 69. Okja (Bong Joon-Ho)- Since Okja is such a unique movie, I feel as if people will overpraise it as a way to brand themselves: Its poster is probably going to be in a lot of dorm rooms. But there's a lot that you have to look past in order to recommend it. In general, I find that Bong's English language work has a bizarre mixture of muddled themes being presented in direct ways. There is some sweetness here--most of it due to the amazingly detailed rendering of the pig--but too much of the comedy doesn't work, and the ending feels a bit easy. I liked most of the stuff with the Animal Liberation Front, and I kind of wish they had been the focal point of the movie. Can I say, as my main takeaway, that I'm worried about Jakey G? He is so big here, so out-of-tune with the rest of the film, that I blame Bong for not reining him in. At the same time, I keep making excuses for Gyllenhaal, claiming that his parts are under-written, but at a certain point, you have to point the finger at him if there's such a pattern of bad performances emerging. I didn't see Everest, but this is his fourth brick in a row. Help us, Dan Gilroy. You're our only hope. 68. The Killing of a Sacred Deer (Yorgos Lanthimos)- An interesting swing that ends up missing for me. Excepting The Lobster, Lanthimos's works seem obsessed with family dynamics, and he plays some interesting games with this family's perversions. Farrell's character's story about his father dovetails with his somnophilia, which seems to inspire the way his daughter offers herself to her object of affection. From Anna's medical past to Steven's alcoholism, these characters seem to have full lives that have been in motion long before the events of the story. But I kind of suspect I'm worshiping at the altar of auteurism, and I wouldn't have half the respect or patience I do for this film had I not known who made it. The dialogue and performances are purposefully flat and stilted, thus creating an off, eerie quality before we know why we should be unnerved. But what if the performances are just, you know, bad? The film also creates a premise that concludes in an inevitably unsatisfying way. I don't know what I would have done instead, but I'm not a genius filmmaker who gets the benefit of the doubt.

[lady-divine-writes]

Klaine one-shot - “Gift with Purchase” (Rated PG13)

To prepare for a big audition, Tina takes Blaine to Sephora for a little freshening up, where Blaine meets the sales associate of his dreams. (2277 words)

Written for @hkvoyage, because I don't think I ever thanked her enough for "writing me into" her big fic, Butterfly Wings :D

Read on AO3.

“I don’t know why I let you talk me into this,” Blaine says, turning on his heel and walking down the street the way they came. “This is ridiculous.”

“No, it’s not! It’s brilliant!” Tina grabs Blaine by the shoulders and spins him back around with surprising strength. “I’m not saying get a full glam makeover, just a little touch up. You want to look your best for your audition, don’t you?”

“I guess. It’s just … I haven’t worn makeup in so long. I feel kind of silly putting it on now.” Blaine can’t help feeling a bit self-conscious. He’s been cultivating a new image since high school – a more macho image. It hasn’t exactly been working for him the way he’d hoped, but one thing it doesn’t include is makeup.

“Nonsense.” Tina turns him slightly, directing him to Sephora. “BuzzFeed says that men these days get touchups all the time. Everybody from baristas to CEOs drops in on their lunch hour to get freshened up.”

“You know, you can’t trust everything you see on BuzzFeed, Tina.” Blaine puts his hands out and pulls open the door before Tina can push him straight through the glass. “Besides, I don’t think that plumper lips or the perfect smoky eye is going to help me get this part.”

Tina shrugs. “You never know. This is a Broadway role you’re going for.”

“You might have a point.”

“Look at the services they offer.” Tina parks Blaine underneath a sign titled ‘In-store Services’. “Contour, Flawless Foundation, Correct and Conceal, Polished Brows. You have to admit, Blainey, your eyebrows could use a little love.”

“What?” Blaine reaches up subconsciously to touch his maligned brows. “My eyebrows are my signature feature.”

“Well, they shouldn’t be! People should know you for your soulful eyes, your sexy smile, your perky ass! Not those caterpillars on your face!”

“Excuse me, Tina Cohen-Chang, but I---” Blaine has yet to decide which part of her remark he finds more offensive when he’s distracted by a man standing behind the checkout counter, chatting with another associate.

The most sophisticated, well-dressed man that Blaine has ever seen in his life.

He doesn’t look like he should be working at Sephora. He should be modeling for a high-fashion magazine, not slinging makeup in his designer suit, with his flawless skin, his perfect hair and teeth, and his high cheekbones. Then again, he’s exactly the type of person that Sephora would be smart to hire. Everyone that walks in here must want to look like him.

Blaine wants to look like him.

From Tina’s hanging jaw, she must want to look like him, too.

Or she wants something else from him.

And that makes Blaine shudder.

“Go, go, go!” she says, pushing Blaine towards the counter. “Go talk to him!”

“W-why?” Blaine asks, though he has a hundred answers for that question. Why wouldn’t Blaine want to talk to him? The question he’s secretly asking is does he have permission to talk to him? Is he qualified? Does he have to show some kind of credentials to be in the same room as this man?

“Because he might be gay!” Tina says as if Blaine isn’t thinking – and hoping – that same thing.

“But what if he’s not?”

“Well, then, we’ll know he’s straight and I can have a shot.”

“Nice.”

“What? I can’t be the supportive best friend all the time. Tina needs some nookie, too.”

“Tina!” Blaine whispers snappishly as Tina continues to push him forward. “I don’t want to … I can’t … I don’t think I … Tina!”

Tina gives Blaine one good shove that sends him stumbling forward, his flailing arms swiping at a display of face masks that almost falls to the floor at the man’s feet. The sound of Blaine colliding with the counter causes the man’s head to spin in his direction.

“Oh, hey! Are you all right?” he says, extending a hand for Blaine to take if he needs. Blaine doesn’t, managing to keep his feet without help. The man pulls it back when he sees Blaine steady himself, and Blaine silently kicks himself for not at least shaking it.

“Uh, yes,” Blaine says. “I’m … I’m fine. I was …” He looks for Tina, who was standing behind him a second ago. Blaine finds her three counters over, casually examining a display of Urban Decay lipsticks. How she teleported there so quickly, Blaine doesn’t know.

“I was hoping that maybe you could help me,” Blaine says, straightening his shirt and bowtie.

“Certainly. What is it that you need?” The smile the man flashes makes his face positively glow, and Blaine thinks, ‘Whatever you have that can make my skin do that, I’ll take it.’

“Actually, I’m here … uh … for kind of … a mini makeover?”

“Really?” The man looks Blaine over appraisingly. “And why is that, Mr. …?”

“Anderson. Blaine Anderson.”

“Mr. Anderson. So, why do you feel that you need a makeover?”

“Well, I want to be an actor …”

“Do you really?” The man leans against the counter to listen more closely, and Blaine is stunned by his reaction. Where most people, even Blaine’s friends, roll their eyes and nod with fake encouragement and tight smiles, this man looks genuinely interested. Blaine considers the fact that he may be feigning interest as part of his sales technique, but that would make him a better actor than Blaine.

“Yes. In fact, I have an audition coming up next week for a part in a Broadway play.”

“That’s wonderful!” The man’s smile becomes blinding after that revelation. “I bet you’re excited!”

“I am. But I’ve been working really hard lately. Between classes and my part-time job, my skin is suffering. I feel like my face looks drier than usual. A-and I’ve got some significant bags under my eyes. Plus, I was thinking that I would like my face to look a bit more sculpted, maybe? Contoured? I---uh …” Blaine gazes down at the counter while he speaks, preferring to look at the man through his reflection in the laminate surface than in his eyes for this next part. “I suffered a small case of the freshman fifteen my first year at college, and I don’t think I’ve gotten rid of it all yet. I’ve been told that you can see it a lot in my face.”

The man quirks an eyebrow as if he’s offended by the words coming out of Blaine’s mouth, and Blaine begins to shrink in his shoes. It’s probably his insecurity, Blaine figures. Or maybe his lack of knowledge. Blaine has heard that some of these Sephora employees can act kind of snooty when it comes to helping skincare and makeup amateurs. Blaine wants to take better care of himself, but this is an area where he’s simply not so much in the know.

That’s why he’s here. To learn from the professionals.

Well, more professional than him.

“Honey,” the man says, and Blaine braces himself. Here it comes – the lecture. “The only way you have baby fat anywhere on your face is if you weighed negative eighty pounds to begin with. That, or if someone glued an actual baby to your cheeks.” Blaine laughs. From somewhere behind him, he thinks he hears Tina snicker. “Where is this fat of which you speak?” The man reaches a hand out to touch Blaine’s face, but stops short of his chin. “Is it alright if I touch you?”

“Yes!” Blaine says a bit too eagerly. “I mean, of course you may.”

The man holds Blaine’s chin gently and moves his face from side to side. He squints his eyes, leans in close, examines Blaine’s bone structure. “Yup, I’m not seeing this fat you claim exists on your face.”

“No?” Blaine asks with a soft sigh, soaking in everything about this man touching his face.

“Nope, but I do see what you mean about your skin. Tsk, tsk, tsk. Poor neglected thing. We’ll get you some products that will fix you right up.”

“Great! Thank goodness.”

As the man turns to the drawers behind him, Blaine inadvertently glances at the items laid around the counter, and for the first time takes note of their price tags. He doesn’t know what the blue liquid is in the tiny pump bottle by his right hand, but for the amount of money it would take to try it out, he could buy groceries for a week. “Oh, but … I don’t really have a lot of money.”

“That’s alright. That’s the wonderful thing about Sephora - free samples. And you’re allowed five free samples in every category. So let’s go all out, shall we?” He starts pulling out travel bottles and packets by the handfuls. “We’ll get you some moisturizers, some under eye concealer, maybe a new fragrance. Though …” The man leans forward and takes a sniff. “Whatever it is that you’re wearing really seems to suit you. You might not want to mess with a good thing.”

“Oh. Okay. Th-that’s good to know.” Blaine blushes as the man gets back to business because all he’s wearing for the moment is Ivory soap and Aveeno.

“So here we have some of the more essential Glamglow products,” the man says, filling a small Sephora bag with the items he’s gathered together so far. “Masks and oils and exfoliating muds to clear away dead skin cells and bring back your natural glow. We’ve got some concealer samples, just to even out your skin tone, brighten up that under eye, help you look a little more awake after a night of partying …”

“Oh, I don’t party,” Blaine corrects, feeling like he needs to explain.

The man grins. He looks pleased and apologetic at the same time. “Maybe someone should fix that for you. But in the meantime, for after a long night of working and studying then.”

“Yeah,” Blaine says, still stuck on the someone should fix that for you comment, hoping he meant someone like him, perhaps?

“I’ve thrown in some mattifying powder to keep the shine on your nose at bay, some highlighter to give you shine everywhere else, and I know I said you didn’t need it, but I included a few samples of Armani Code. It’s their new fragrance.”

“Oh.” Blaine peeks in the bag as the man adds a few sample bottles. “I’ve never smelt it. Do you think that scent would suit me?”

“Well” – the man bites his lower lip and inches closer – “it’s what I’m wearing right now.”

“Here you are, Mr. Hummel. Sorry for the wait.”

The associate the man had been talking with when Blaine first arrived returns a second before Blaine gets the chance to catch a whiff of his cologne. Blaine hadn’t even notice her go, but here she was, handing the man (Mr. Hummel?) a stack of flat boxes. “We had a small mix-up with the orders in the back.”

“Not a problem, Olivia,” he says, taking the boxes. “I found a way to keep myself occupied.” He looks at Blaine and winks.

That wink hits Blaine like a kiss on the lips, and he discovers that he can’t seem to get his mouth to work. “So, you don’t work here,” he manages after a long, embarrassing seven seconds with his mouth hanging open.

“No, I don’t,” the man admits sheepishly. “My name’s Kurt Hummel. But if it’s any consolation, I do work for Vogue, so it’s not like your skin was in the hands of a maniac.”

“Well, that’s a relief,” Blaine kids, completely stunned.

“And unfortunately, I have to get back to the office. We’re reviewing these products for a feature article, and I’m already late.”

“Oh,” Blaine says, disappointed. “That’s too bad.”

“But if you’re still interested in that makeover, and I’m really hoping you are …” Kurt moves an edge of the stack to the counter, freeing up his hand to search his pocket for his business card “… this has my number. Give me a call. You can come down to my office and I can take care of that for you. Your life sounds pretty stressful so we can start with a nice, relaxing facial, and move on from there.”

Kurt gives Blaine a second wink. This one doesn’t just leave Blaine speechless.

It makes him weak in the knees.

“That sounds … that sounds great!” Blaine gushes, curious what he’d done to deserve the offer of being pampered by this gorgeous man. If he has to be honest with himself, this wouldn’t have even happened if Tina hadn’t shoved him in here … literally. “Yes, absolutely, Mr. Hummel. I would love that.”

“Good.” Kurt chuckles. “And I would love it if you called me Kurt.”

“Kurt,” Blaine says, starry-eyed. “Yes. Kurt. I’ll call you Kurt. And I’ll call you … Kurt.”

Kurt smiles, backing out the door while Blaine rambles, heading for a black Town Car waiting out front. A driver dressed in a navy suit takes Kurt’s boxes while Kurt lets himself into the backseat. Blaine watches Kurt, dumbstruck, until the car pulls away from the curb, as if he had just been introduced to royalty.

After Kurt leaves, Tina returns, sliding up to Blaine with arms crossed and hip cocked.

“Well, well, well, I’m impressed. I left you alone with him for all of half-an-hour and he offered to give you a facial?”

It takes Blaine a second of clearing the hearts from his eyes before he grasps what Tina means.

“Oh God!” he groans, grabbing his bag of samples off the counter. “Not that kind of facial, Tina! Gross!”