#maybe it wont be that bad maybe they will just have him gain weight without poking fun at it or portraying it as a bad thing

[sonknuxadow]

hmm.. according to some of the posts im seeing describing the teaser that was shown they finally made robotnik fat in the next movie... on one hand i hate skinny eggman but on the other hand i hate the idea of them making him gain weight as a sign hes getting worse . why couldnt they just make him fat from the start ..... weird decisions being made here

[piscesgirl87]

paddy has changed and not in good way. before he used to smile all the time around people, around marina and fans but not anymore. now he hardly smiles in pics with marina and fans. last night he barely took any pics and in few pics and 1 video of him he was sulking and looking miserable. no smile, no laugh, no sign of him having fun. its obvious his friendship with marina isnt same anymore. things look awkward between them. they used to be best friends. not anymore. now they are just coworkers. they stop being best friends because of tracy. because he prefers and loves tracy more now. have you noticed he doesnt smile and laugh around anyone anymore except tracy? even around his own family he barely smiles and looks miserable. hes always hanging around and clinging to tracy on set. even though they barely have scenes together. if tracy was at event last night we would have definitely seen paddy looking very happy! when paddy was active on instagram he liked and double commented under all of tracy’s post! he commented “miss you” and heart eyes emojis under her posts. he didnt comment miss you under laroyce, marina, ben, jesse’s post. why? did he not miss them too? especially jesse who is no longer on show and he did not see as often as he saw tracy. he work with tracy and saw her almost everyday on set and still she is only cast member he comment miss you for after only few weeks into hiatus 🤣 then they met up in italy and he said the night he spent her and her mother was best. he probably begged her to come meet him. btw he has not commented on any of marina’s post since 2021. you can say maybe he didnt see her posts. yeah but somehow he saw all of tracy’s 🤣 which means he either stalk tracy or he has notifications for her instagram posts and stories on 🤣 he is completely obsessed with tracy. maybe even in love with her. he shamelessly flirt with her in her instagram comment section even though he is dating reem and tracy is dating jesse who also happen to be paddy’s friend or should i say “friend”. maybe thats why he didnt say anything when jesse left. he was happy he didnt have to see jesse and tracy make out anymore. i think only reason paddy is on show still is because of tracy. when tracy leaves he will leave too. he said many times you cant get rid of tracy. he never say that about the other cast members 🙄 i wont be surprised if upzek get back together. paddy will beg gwen to put them back together just so he can make out and have sex scenes with tracy. it was shameful, disgusting and disrespectful for paddy to publicly flirt with his so called friend’s gf especially when he has a gf too. it doesnt matter if he is in love with tracy and that there is no love between him and reem and they are only using each other. reem is only dating him for exposure and he is only dating her because she is much younger and that gives him ego boost and makes himself feel young. he is having hard time accepting he is aging and going through midlife crisis. thats why he got nose piercings at this age 🙄 and why he got botox and fillers done. he used to have thin lips now his lips are fat. thats not possible without fillers. too bad the botox didnt help. of all the men in one chicago he has aged the worst. in chicago pd laroyce has got better looking with age while jason and jesse has not aged at all. but paddy look completely different and not in good way. he has gained too much weight in body, face, lips. it may be side effect from botox and fillers or maybe too much drugs and alcohol. maybe the side effects from botox and fillers make it difficult for him to smile and thats why he is is always looking miserable 🤣 in your pic with him from 2018 he was hugging you and smiling but the most recent pic you took with him he was struggling to smile. a fan who met him during s10 said paddy was not nice. that fan also met laroyce and marina that same day and said they were very nice. seriously what is paddy’s problem? why has he become such miserable asshole? i hate this new paddy. i want him d3ad or i want old paddy back!

lol wow ok good morning

So glad you’re back 🙄🙄🙄

Just say you don’t like paddy …

This isn’t the right page to come to to talk shit about him btw

Also, LMAO when did I meet him in 2018?

I didn’t even know he existed back then I didn’t start watching any one Chicago until 2020 so I don’t know where you’re getting that from

And actually, he was the nicest one that I met btw

He was very sweet and appreciative and actually the next time he saw us he ran up to me and gave me a big hug ….. 

Also, please stop talking shit about any of them. They are all amazing. They are all beautiful. They are all friends

Get over it 

Saying you want somebody dead is seriously messed up. What is wrong with you go outside and touch some grass

[oh-for-fic-sake]

Tik Tok Leggings

Masterlist

Summary: Time to test these Tik tok leggings.

Warnings: swearing, Fluff, Cheeky Henry, Suggestive Themes, Plus sized reader

A/N: Just wanted to do something different thinking of maybe having a mini TikTok onshot series but unsure yet. Either way I hope you enjoy and happy Easter to those who celebrate  and those who don't? Have a brilliant Sunday xx

Taglist: will be in comment/reblogs

You eyed the package wearily... just how the fuck were you meant to pull this off? Slowly but surely the confidence  and 'fuck it' attitude was waning. They looked small.... very small.

You huffed a sigh looking at yourself in the mirror eyeing your form. You swear you'd gained some more weight, just a few pounds maybe? But you felt huge. Slowly you unravelled the leggings, it had been a good idea at the time but now you wasn't so sure. They were expensive and even thought you bought them as a little prank you did hope they would boost you confidence or at least be comfy enough to wear around the house.

Being a larger girl it was hard finding comfy clothes and you had to be comfy now that your boys were running around the house like headless chickens. You thought the terrible twos with trainers were bad? Your four year olds had scooters!

You grit your teeth and decided to try the leggings on gearing up for an all put war with the waist band but was pleasantly surprized. The fabric was firm and tummy controlling without feeling you feeling caught by a bloody boa constrictor! A comfy tight not spandex tight. You casually wondered about seeing if the company did bras, this shit would stop the girls from trying to knock you out on the stairs!

You pulled the material setting the... elasticated seam in your ass crack and winced... Okay that's a little strange... but not unpleasant and almost thong. You spun around eyeing yourself in to mirror. You didn't look to bad, if you said so yourself. Sure you wasn't magically strim and fit, you were blessed with a nice thick ass... but unfortunately had the thick hips and large thighs to go with it. You'd never be petite or dainty, but then again henry was huge behemoth of a man so you didn't need to be. As he said on many occasions he wanted a woman as thick as him... and you definitely fit that bill. His thighs were only slightly bigger then yours.

You turned around a few more times. Fuck okay hello there~ you grinned. You may not be the perfect sized woman but fuck if your ass wasn't glorious in these leggings~ this just might work.

You grinned and pulled on one of Henry's tshirts, the grey marines one it was snug and would ride up a little over your tummy showing off your bubble but that you felt was your best feature. And then padded downstairs, henry. Was in the large garden trying to teach the boys how to play rugby... Wanting to start them young.

You pottered about the kitchen chopping up the salad for tonight. Contrary to what people thought you were not large because you ate to much or did little exercise, you had always been bigger and admittedly since having the boys you had gained a little more weight but not ridiculously, you wasn't dangerously over weight.

You hummed looking out the patio door seeing henry jumping for joy as his boys and Kal played 'rugby' darting across the garden to the tiny rugby post at the end. Moving to Jersey to raise the kids was a brilliant idea, you had a huge country house with the land to go with it. Flat and immaculate that spread around the house in nearly four acres the lawn was mostly to the back and side and cornered off with tall hedge rows then beyond it a cornered off veggie plot and greenhouse and a work in progress chicken coop. Soon there will be a decent sized pond and some ducks... Henry didn't know yet, but if he was allowed to have a stables built four god knows how many horses you were allowed your ducks god dammit.

You grinned watching as henry ran around both the boys with his phone out cheering them on as they tor across the garden wrestling each other for the ball. You had panicked when you were told twin boys but you should have known henry would be able to handle it. It was perfect, days like this when he was home and strived to make his sons lives as magical and fun as he could, everyday was a holiday when dad was home.

You shook your head seeing the boys both lay on the floor in the shade completely tuckered out from the mornings fun. Henry can into the kitchen and you held your breath quickly bending over the counter a tad more then normal hoping to get a favourable reaction from your husband. But you couldn't help the tinge of doubt  what if he didn't like them? Or thought you looked bigger then you were?

"Hey sweetheart are the boys fruit shoots in the fri-oh sweet baby Jesus" he coughed cutting himself off  and took a half step back as he came in the kitchen. You giggled and turned to him then nodded your head to the fridge.

"Yeah their in there love" you said smirking and blushing as you saw him eyeing your ass tilting his head slowly down trying to get a better look at your ass making you bite your lip.

"Err yeah yeah... I... hold that thought" he said snapping out of it holding a finger up at you and looked to his phone.

"You just stay right were you are- no nope over bend over again babe... fuck me how did I get such a sexy little mama~" he growled one hand swiping over his screen. You flushed and wriggled our hips a little as you leant forward feeling on top of the world as he openly gawked at your ass. For a second you thought he was taking a photo and made to move wanting to snap up right but he napped his fingers to you pointing for you to get back down and brought the phone to his ear.

"Henry what are you?-" you tried standing once more but he crossed the kitchen pressing himself up against your ass and rocked slowly making you mewl as his bulge pressed against your ass half hard already. Henry huge hand pressed you down on the counter before him and winked then he spoke as who ever was on the phone answered.

"Hey mum, hi can you come get the boys?" He asked and you gasped at him shaking your head at him laughing. He wasn't palming the kids off to their grandparents because he wanted a midday fuck! Not that Marie-Ann would mind, she loved hosting the kids and frequently showed up out of the blue and took them out for the day. She was adamant that both you and henry still had alone time.

"No, no everything's all right I just- somethings come up~" he smirked and you laughed loud shaking your head at him, he was a little bugger! He wriggled his brows at you and nodded then flushed stuttering for a few comments.

"I.. No no of course not mum... muuuum stop- well yeah... yes I know you were young once-oh shit no I didn't mean of course your still young! Your in your prime! Okay yes, yes I promise to try my hardest... yes okay, see you in ten okay love you bye... bye mum I will. Yes I will mum bye" he muttered slowly moving through being embarrassed, shy and strangely confident before hanging up.

"Soo the boys are going out?" You giggled finding the way he reacted ridiculously cute. It wasn't what you expected, maybe a kiss on the cheek and a slap on the ass. But not him shipping the kids off for the day.

"And staying over night" Henry muttered moving both hands to your ass and squeezed and rolled the cheeks about making you squeak and try rising on your tip toes but he just growled following pressing a kiss to your neck.

"And what have we agreed to for this mighty generous gift? What have you promised?" You said arching back into him with a teasing tone knowing Marie would make henry pay for the 'young once' comment.

"Oh you know nothing too big just another grandchild, which wont be hard with these in your closet" he chuckled pinging the fabric that clung to your ass like a second skin. You flushed gasping out at him batting him away slowly. But it was a hard fought battle, Henry won easily sliding the cutting board back then let you spin to face him. He quickly hoisted you up onto the counter top behind you and kissed your lips moaning into you before pulling back and pointed at you.

"Right you stay- right here. Don't you move a muscle Mrs Cavill" he said seriously and backed away from you still pointing making you laugh and kick your feet biting your lip before nodding. Henry backed up to the back door and called out to the boys.

"Boys come on! Your going to grandmas for a sleep over! Go pack a bag, jammies, tooth brush and clothes for tomorrow! Come on mush hop it or cop it!" he called you smiled hearing two high pitch excited voices squealing at the thought of grandma. She spoilt them rotten. They dashed into the house quickly running past the both of you giggle as henry tried playfully nudging them on the bottoms with his foot when they ran through the kitchen to dart up the stairs and pack an overnight bag. Henry slunk out of the kitchen following the boys but kept glancing back at you.

"Remember right there babe, been too long since we fucked in here~" he growled making you flush remembering the last time you'd made love in here. It'd been when you were pregnant, the day you moved in before you redecorated you'd had Chinese take out and then made love in every room in the house.

"I'll be right here love I promise, now... You might want to sort yourself out before answering the door to your mother~" you teased pointing to the large lump in the front of his shorts making him grunt and cup himself trying to reposition himself and left the kitchen to help the boys pack.

You can safely say, these leggings were a success. You were definitely leaving a five star review... You did however regret not filming his reaction for tiktok. Honestly you didn't even have the app your sister in law had shown you and you thought it'd be something fun to try with Henry. You may just get more than you bargained for though, not that you minded... You just hoped you had a girl this time, it was about time to try and even things out a bit.

[way2gowillow]

Why does no one listen??? Like I remember when I was like 10 i started having intense wrist pain and at the time I was cheerleading so i thought it was just carrying the girls so of course I tell people hey hey my wrist hurts rlly bad can you help me but of course they say "it's just from the handstands and cheerleading just ease off" then I 'complain' so much I can't cheer anymore but the pain still persists and I'm telling people I'm in pain I'm in pain hello??? And they're like "well you know you have an bulimia it's probably just being bulimic things" so no doctors or parents listen to me then I recover from bulimia then I gain weight right and they go "oh y'know it's just you being a women that's why your back hurts" then I join my art school and I start taking dance classes to help with my theatre degree im going for so I start dancing, and the pain doesn't stop. "Dad I'm serious my feet hurt so bad I can't even walk" he goes "well maybe you should stop dancing" I go to the doctor for a checkup late last semester 'hey I'm having excruciating pain and it won't go away." "Maybe it's arthritis." But my dad cuts her off "no, they don't need any tests their fine." I'm like 15 atp and I'm trying to literally TYPE ON A KEYBOARD and my fingers lock up I show people LOOK MY FINGERS ARE STUCK I'm in pain, I'm ALWAYS sick I get sick like twice a month something is wrong. I'm taking acting classes that semester so it's not like I'm doing heavy exercise for them to blame it on he goes "you're really being dramatic you're just stressed" now here I am. 16 years old middle of the summer. I've been trying any and everything to feel better to stop the pain from coming in. And I wake up this morning and my entire body hurts. Every. Single. Inch. It's never been this bad before in my entire life. My neck, my shoulders, my elbows, my wrists, my fingers, my ENTIRE BACK EVERY INCH, my hips, my knees, my ankles, and my feet and toes hurt so bad I have literally been unable to even walk more than a few feet without having to sit down, I have a pretty intense pain tolerance too, so I walk downstairs having to get my sister to practically carry me, theyres tears pouring down my face I've never been in this much pain, I walk into my dad's office "dad please it hurts so bad make it stops" HE TELLS ME that "You've been eating pretty bad recently lots of sugar..." (He's a 2 almonds per day type of person, which is ironic because my mother is 350 pounds... But anyways) and I say"okay??? What about my PAIN"

He says "I'll take you to the gym tomorrow, and eat better, you're really doing way to much with all this crying go wash your face." THEN HAS THE AUDACITY TO SAY "your room needs to be clean by the way"

WTF I AM SOBBING I AM IN SOBMUCH PAIN and I just like get dismissed like this IVE BEEN IN PAIN FOR 6 YEARS. IT WONT STOP and like why does no one listen to me I'm sick of this shit I'm just gonna just die. Like curk up in a ball and die. I can't even get out of bed, my sister helped walk me upstairs and I'm laying here but like I don't think he understands how much pain I am actually in. I never cry for pain, like ever, yet no one listens.

I don't know, I'm stuck. I need advice. Im not an adult yet I don't know what to do. I'm not like angry or anything but I'm in so much pain how can I convince anyone someone that I need help and if you don't know that any tips to make it stop. I've taken like 1000 mlg of Ibuprofen and it has bearly cut the edge off so please tips god anything would help.

-rosy

I'm so sorry. :( I know how much joint pain can hurt.

I can't convince your father, but I wouldn't give up reaching out for help. Whether it's from him or not, you make sure they don't silence you. Don't give up until you see a doctor again. Describe your joint pain- how long it lasts. If it keeps you awake, if it interferes with your daily activities. Do not hold back. Tell them about how ibuprofen does not help with the pain. (Don't directly ask for pain meds because they will be suspicious that you are only there to get some strong prescription drugs). Instead ask if something can be done to prevent the root cause of the pain.

I'm not sure why your father would object to have testing done for you. It's honestly a pretty simple laboratory test. They'll draw your blood and they'll be able to check your white blood cell count, as well as a bunch of other things. If it's autoimmune, then your white blood cells will be abnormally high. And then they can begin treating you. Any good father would want the best for their child. Him refusing to take you is extremely negligent.

Some advice? let's see...

During my early stages, I took OTC joint pain reliever. It worked for a little but I got worse. Now, whenever I get a flare up I take ibuprofen or Tylenol (whatever I have, but NEVER both). CBD products also help. Lidocaine cream like Icy-Hot helped a great deal too. I'd also invest in some compression gloves or socks. Supposedly ice can help with inflammation but I find that heat works much better for me, so I have a heating pad. If you don't have one that's okay. Just take a rag or clean cloth and wet it under a faucet. Stick it in the microwave for a minute and you can use that. (Just make sure the cloth is damp. If you can, low impact exercise is good since it keeps your body from getting so stiff. For me sometimes I feel like being a blob because everything hurts to move, but I know if I don't at least walk around a bit, then I'm going to feel so much worse.

I know this advice is kind of weak-sauce, but I at least hope it'll do something to help. Again, I highly encourage you keep telling everyone you can that you're hurting. I'm hoping maybe you can get some laboratory work done and they can identify what exactly is going on with you. I would agree that it sounds like arthritis but it could also be something else. I'm not a doctor though, and I can't diagnose anybody. I'm not qualified in any way to make an accurate and informed statement about your own health. :'D

Best of luck. <3

[enderspawn]

It's alright if u don't wanna answer this cuz this argument gets people really riled up but do you think c!Techno is a tyrant or nah?

Cuz many c!techno apologists argue that he isn't just cuz he's an anarchist but I've also read a lot of essays that go against it and it'd be really interesting to see ur opinion on this

i think he, in some contexts, can most definitely be called tyrannical, yes. a tyrant? no.

to avoid spamming ppl w discourse we've all def heard before (and bc this ended up MASSIVE (like 2.3k ish), but fairly in depth bc i didnt wanna speak out of bad faith and wanted to be EXPLICTLY clear-- oops), the rest will be under readmore

so heres the thing i want to preface: i used to really LOVE c!techno. i joined beginning of s2, right when exile started, and he was arguably my favorite character. since then though i've fallen out with him a LOT, to the point i almost... actively despite him at times (though mainly in a toxic kind of way which i can acknowledge is flawed).

in short, his actions started to speak louder than his words and i lost investment in his personal character struggles because of the actions he took (doomsday was my breaking point. i get feeling angry and betrayed, as well as seeking revenge against lmanberg, but his actions went too far for me to CARE and it hurt so many more characters as well.)

so when i speak, i come from a place of disliking him but also somewhat understanding the position c!techno apologists come from: i used to be one of them myself.

NOW, do i think he's a tyrant? no. for reference in my analysis, i try to look up the definition of terms to make sure they are utilized properly. while "tyranny" and "tyrannical" can have multiple uses, tyrant itself is a more specific term. to combine the top two definitions, a tyrant is referring to "an extremely oppressive, unjust, or cruel absolute ruler (who governs without restrictions, especially one who seized power illegally.)"

techno's position as an anarchist, imo, DOES indeed make him unable to be a tyrant. tyrants are rulers with very clear power over others from a structural way. anarchists are about the lack of structure or power over others and instead viewing the people around you as equals in power.

in forming the syndicate, they very explicitly worked to not designate a leader and instead make it so that no one would have any power over the others systemically. techno may have taken a integral role, yes, but it doesn't make him suddenly "the leader", its a role that wouldve had to be filled by someone (even if it was democratic to decide who to invite, they'd need someone to hand over the invite itself yknow? like no matter WHAT there needed to be A ROLE)

one could argue that he IS a leader in the shadow hierarchy of the syndicate (which, yes, is a real and professional term used in management courses despite sounding like it comes from a 4kids yugioh dub) in that everyone CONSIDERS and looks to him a leader without him having any actual structural basis behind it, but to argue that allows him to be a tyrant is in bad faith i believe. especially because to the people he would be "ruling", he ISNT oppressive, unjust, or cruel. they are his friends and support network and critical for a lot of his personal development (since feelings of betrayal and trust issues are critical to his character and why he acts the way he does). I wish we were able to SEE this develop more, but oh well.

but like i said: tyrant is fairly specific in definition. TYRANNY, and thus TYRANNICAL are not as limited. I've discussed their definitions here. originally, i made that post because i was angry at a take i had seen that claimed that, like you said, because techno was an anarchist and not part of any government or leadership position, he couldn't be tyrannical. to which i heartily disagree.

for something to be tyrannical, they simply must have an overarching/oppressive power over someone or something. it would not be inaccurate if i were to say that something is "under the tyranny" of a concept, because what it means is that something is under the power of another thing/concept. you can frankly call anything tyranny if it is widespread/overarching and you don't like it. mask mandates? tyranny, its forcing me to act in "rigorous condition". hell, theres even such things as tyranny of the majority in which people agree too much on one thing and it gives them unfair power or tyranny of the minority where people with minority opinions have too much power (thats a very grossly oversimplified definition of both, but it covers the base idea well enough for my point)

the point im making above isnt meant to be taken as "anything can be worked to be defined as tyranny thus it is a meaningless claim", it is that tyranny (and again, thus tyrannical) are very open and nonrestrictive terms.

to make it easier to define, alongside the definitions provided i want to add an explicit clause that is (imo) implied in the original definition: tyranny is... well, bad. that is to say if someone has power over a group but literally everyone is fine with it and agrees to it, its not tyranny. thats just a group of people getting along and one happens to have power over another. a leader does NOT equal a tyrant (as discussed above), so leadership should not be equated with tyranny.

thus as an example: wilbur acting as president (before the election) may have been "unelected" with power over his citizens, but no one was upset with that power. thus, he is not a tyrant and not acting tyrannically (as well as the fact his power was, arguably, NOT rigourous or absolute but thats another topic for another time). SCHLATT however IS a tyrant, as his power was absolute (he did not consult his cabinet) and forced people to comply instead of them complying willingly, thus he was acting tyrannically.

now to finally get to the damn point of this essay: where does c!techno lie? honest answer? it depends slightly on your perspective, but it depends a LOT on the future of the syndicate.

techno is incredibly clear in his goals: no governments, no corruption. in fighting with pogtopia, he is actively working to topple a tyranny-- he isn't tyrannical for doing that.

when he strikes out on nov 16th, it is because he opposes them forming a new government. when they oppose him and disagree, he launches an attack against them. is this tyranny? maybe, but probably not. he IS trying to impose his own physical strength and power (as well as his resources) over the others to stop them from doing what HE doesn't want them to do.

however its more nuanced than that:

1. hes lashing out emotionally as well as politically. he feels betrayed by those he trusted and he believed that they would destroy the government then go (i'm ignoring any debates on if he did or did not know that they planned another government, though it is a source of debate). but typically idk about you but i dont call tyranny for someone fighting with another person.

2. he also may be acting with good intent again, in HIS EYES. if tubbo was part of manburg, whos to say he wont be just as bad? he, in his pov, is likely trying to stop another tyrant before they rise.

3. and finally, and tbh the most damning from any perspective: he gives up. he quickly leaves then RETIRES without intent to try and attack again until he is later provoked. tyranny is defined by it not just being power, but power being USED. if he doesn't use his power to try and impose any will, then he's not tyrannical.

Doomsday I am also not going to touch very in depth on for much of the same reasons. My answer is again a "maybe", depending on the weight you personally place on each issue:

1. he's lashing out as revenge for the butcher army and as revenge against tommy for "betraying" him (though this one we explicitly know he was ignoring the fact tommy did not want to go through with it, however he still did trust and respect tommy regardless so his feelings are understandable anyway)

2. he sees new lmanberg as corrupt and tyrannical (which is undeniable: house arrest for noncompliance, exile without counsel, execution without trial, etc), and thus obligated to destroy it

but also, theres the implicit understanding he's doing this to send a message: do not form a government, or else. its a display of force that also works to warn others unless they want a similar fate. phil even explicitly states that he is doing so to send that message, so one could assume techno is doing the same alongside his personal reasoning listed above.

what i just described is the use of a oppressive and harsh (physical) power in order to gain compliance from people (that compliance being 'not making a government'). does that sound familiar? exactly. it follows the definition(s) of tyranny given previously. technoblade is acting in a way that is, by very definition, tyrannical.

so the debate shifts: is he valid in doing so because he is trying to PREVENT corruption and tyranny. like i said, new lmanberg was undeniably corrupt at points. i held nothing against techno for trying to topple manburg, so does that apply to new lmanberg as well? short answer: i dont know. it depends on your specific opinion of what is acceptable. its like the paradox of tolerance: to have a truly tolerant society, you have to be intolerant of intolerance. to have a truly non-tyrannical society, do you need to have a tyranny enforcing it?

personally (and bc im a lmanberg loyalist /hj) i say it is. regardless of the corruption of new lmanberg, they are also giving a threat to EVERYONE. even those who are innocent, they are presented with the exact same threat and rule set: if you make a government, you will be destroyed.

(which, small divergence here, is part of why debating c!techno is so frustrating. so many times you end up hitting a "well it depends on your political views" situation and there ISNT a correct answer there. im here to analyze characters for fun, not debate political theory)

so: the syndicate then. this is where this debate really "took off" and i think its due to one very specific miscommunication about its goals and plans. the syndicate, upon formation, declares itself to stand against corruption and tyranny. when they are found, the syndicate would work to destroy it. so heres the golden question: what do THEY define as corruption and tyranny? if you were to go off c!techno's previous statements, seemingly "any government" is a valid answer. however, he also states he's fine with people just being in groups together hanging together.

what then DEFINES A GOVERNMENT for them? what lines do they have to sort out what does "deserve to be destroyed" and what does "deserve to exist freely"

this is a hypothetical i like to post when it comes to syndicate discourse:

i have a group of people. lets say 5 or so for example. they all live together and build together. any decisions made that would impact the entire group they make together and they must have a unanimous agreement in order to proceed, but otherwise they are free to be their own people and do their own thing. when you ask them, they tell you they are their own nation and they have a very clearly defined government: they are a direct democracy. does the syndicate have an obligation to attack?

there is absolutely no hierarchy present. there is no corruption present. but, they ARE indeed a government. is that then inherently negative? my answer is fuck no (see the whole "difference between a tyrant and a leader" thing above).

but THATS where the issue of this discourse LIES. in some people's eyes, the answer to that is YES. techno's made it clear "no government" is his personal view, but does that spread to the syndicate as a whole? do they act preemptively in case it DOES become corrupt? is it inherently corrupt because its a government, regardless of how it is ruled? the fact of the matter is because of how little we've seen the syndicate work as a SYNDICATE, we don't know that answer. so we're left to debate and speculate HOW they would act.

if the syndicate were to let that government exist, then they are not tyrannical. they are showing that they are working to stop tyranny and corruption, just like in pogtopia again.

if the syndicate were to destroy/attack that government, then they are tyrannical. simple as that. they are enforcing a rule of their own creation without any nuance or flexibility under the threat of absolute destruction.

miscommunication in debates comes, in my opinion, in the above. of course theres more points of nuance. for example:

would the syndicate allow a government like i had described with early lmanberg, where there is an established hierarchy but everyone in the country consents to said leadership? on one hand, there is no tyranny or corruption present which is what they are trying to work against. on the other hand, theres more a possibility of it occuring. perhaps they'd find a middle road between the two binary options of "leave or destroy" i am presenting, such as checking in occasionally to ensure no corruption occurs.

but if they were to destroy it without, for lack of a better word, "giving it a chance" they would be, in my opinion, tyrannical. they would be going aginst their words of opposing corruption and instead abusing their power to gain compliance.

your/others opinions may differ, again it depends on if you see it as worth it to possibly stop future tyranny or if a hierarchy is INHERENTLY a negative thing.

part of the reason so many blog gave up this debate, beyond not getting very clear answers for the syndicate, is because of the nuance present. there. is. no. right. answer. every single person will view it differently, because there is no universally agreed upon truth of right or wrong here. BUT, i hope this helps shed some light on the discussion and my thoughts on it

[hey-its-cammy]

Yours Truly, Y/N

Title: Yours Truly, Y/N

Pairing: Dean x Reader

Word count: 1446

Warnings: Feelings? 

Summary: Just a poem you wrote to Dean one night that he finds. 

A/N: Recently I have just came back to writing and in my time that I was away, I got lost in my own mind. I wanted to drown out the world with made up fantasies in my own head that I knew, sadly they would never come true. In that epiphany moment, I have come to terms with it and seeing what the world is for the first time clearly. It is filled with hate and prejudice beyond belief but, it carries so much beauty within the madness. If you just turn off the news and take a moment or two to yourself, by yourself. You can see what I truly mean. This writing has been something that grounds me to beauty and accepting the storm that lays ahead. I know that if you are a Dean person - like myself,  you have thought about these things many times when you look into those green eyes. So this writing is to Dean, from you. 

The three of you grunted when you all shuffled through the large metal door of the bunker. Good hunt gone bad was honestly all you could say about it. Dean especially took the majority of the beating. Sadly you were captured and tortured for a good bit but nothing too severe, guess you could say you were lucky. 

“I call the first shower.” Dean winced when he sat his duffle bag down on the map table.

“Go for it.” You shared and he was on his way down the hall to the showers. Sam however, fled to his room to get some much needed shut eye. He had been staying up all night with doing the research that you all needed to gank this SOB. You were glad that none of you were severely injured but when Dean saw what the demon had done to you, he was quiet. You knew he was probably blaming himself for you getting snagged. 

It made quite the uncomfortable two hour long drive to get here, that's for sure. He wouldn’t even look at you from the rearview mirror.  

You carried your things to your room that you two shared and started to unpack, prepping clothes to be washed and putting things back in their rightful places while Dean was getting clean. 

Shortly after you got situated Dean came in and you gave him a signature half smile, him not returning the gesture. You furrowed your brows and huffed. “Are you going to keep giving me the silent treatment or are we going to talk about this. I'll say it again D, it’s not your fault what happened. It’s mine, I wasn’t on guard when I should have been and I paid the price.” 

He sighed and turned his back to you. 

“Fine.” You slammed your notebook that you were holding on the bedside table and grabbed your clothes to shower, leaving the room without another word. 

Your prized notebook that you kept, it was full of stories, journal entries, poems, drawings. Anything you thought of the time to fill a page. It was honestly the only thing keeping you sane at this point with hunting. You took it with you everywhere. It was a small leather bound pocket book but it held many of your precious moments and secrets. 

The leather bound book was open though, on a freshly written page. Maybe a week old or two at most. It caught Dean’s eye when he saw it, it looked to be a letter. His eyes looked to the open door and back at the book. Surly you wouldn’t come back at least for a little while longer, Dean was curious. Before he knew what he was doing he sat down on your side of the bed, picked up the little book in his large hands and his eyes drifted over the words. 

Kind eyes that burn with red hot rage can only be missed once the moment is gone. The passion behind the melancholy sweet heart that weighs heavy like the weight, on your shoulders. I am but humble as you keep me, never letting my true feelings for you fully show or that they might scare you away perhaps I will never know. 

Originally when I met you I took kindly to your kindness, your presence alone envelopes me like a warm blanket over a cold stone. Of course that is only a metaphor to my cold heart, or so it would seem. Nothing but your soft smile that makes my heart gleam. 

For seeing you truly happy, even for a moment. I can't help but to stop and stare, afraid you wont show it. Because being happy means there is a sadness, a sadness that knows no boundaries, no race, no color, it sees what it wants and leaves you to suffer.

You drink to not feel, not think but honestly even you can't escape from the thoughts that drag you down. We are one of the same, you and I. We know what it is like to lose everything you’ve had, feeling your sanity slip through your fingers again and again, once more for good measure.

You keep me humble, the fire inside of me burns brightly when you’re around. You take my pain and my heavy thoughts away. You take away all the hurt and suffrage I have ever felt like it is rightfully yours to gain. You might not know it but you have saved my life time and time again, I'm not talking about hunts because we both know we all make simple mistakes. I've saved your ass too if we are talking in that sense of case. I mean the thought of you has saved me, saved me when I was too far gone to ask for help. You reached out your calloused, gentle hand and raised me from the darkness that we have fought together. You saved me when I thought I couldn’t be saved, once, twice, three times and many more. When I pushed away your hand, you're a stubborn man and reached out once more.  

You carry the weight of the world on your shoulders, always looking out for others and never yourself until things get bad. I can't explain the feeling I feel when I see you sad, it’s like I can't breathe because you are the breath in my lungs. You are the glue that holds me together. Your happiness makes me feel light as a feather. When I see that you are sad, I try everything in my care, taking care of you is something I enjoy even if you say it’s not fair. 

You see yourself as someone you hate, despising your existence, like being bad is your fate. As I take your face in my hands, thumbing away the hot tears that you cry. I can't help but to cry with you, the pain like feeling that I might die. Seeing you sad hurts me beyond repair so it would seem but then you go and smile and I'm better once more. 

You are not a monster, Dean Winchester. You are a man that is kind, loving and gentle. You can not make yourself up into something you simply are not to be. My love for you is unconditional, that is true. It is pure, and my heart belongs to you. I see now that you are more than what you show, the walls you have put up come crashing down to rubble, looking like dark snow. I love you, Dean Winchester. I always have, from the moment I saw you. I could say it over again, pleasure when you ask me to. When the pad of your thumb runs over my bottom lip, I utter those three words that make your heart skip. The hitch in your breath when I put my lips upon yours, sends a shiver down my spine, something I’ve learned to love, your touch feels so divine. 

When I tell you I love you, I mean it wholeheartedly. When I tell you I love you, I mean it with every breath that I breathe. I can’t imagine anyone I would ever want to be with if it isn’t you. I can’t imagine being anywhere else if not in your strong arms that hold me so tight. Dean Winchester you are the light of my life, I am so glad that I met you. Falling in love with you everyday seems to only be a dream that I am afraid I might wake up soon. As I pour my heart out into these words that I write I have to end it soon but what can I say that hasn’t already been said? You mean more to me than you'll ever know, so keep your head held high king, I have more to show.  Yours truly, Y/N

Wow. Was this really what you thought of him? A tear slipped down his cheek, and before he could wipe it away, your hand did it for him. 

Dean looked up at you from where he sat, his eyes searching yours for anything that would make these words false but he found nothing. In a swift movement, Dean put the book to the side and pulled you down, capturing your lips with his in a sweet but needy kiss. Finally when you both pulled away, breathless, he laid his forehead against yours. “This true?” He asked softly, never above a whisper. 

“Every word.” You smiled, tears threatening to fall from your eyes as well. 

“I love you too.” Was all he said before he pulled you in for a kiss once more. 

[kibybun]

Soap

Tw: gore, poison, torture, Stockholm syndrome, non con/rape

You cry as the inside of your mouth bleeds. You try your best to wipe it away, afraid of the punishment you'd receive for being dirty. You cry harder as you hear footsteps above you. It wasnt your fault your mouth hadn't stopped bleeding since you scrubbed your gums raw. You just didnt want your mouth to be dirty.

You stand on shakey legs and wobble to the little sink in the corner of the large basement. You hold onto the smooth porcelain and grab your toothbrush and gently start to brush circles on your teeth. The sharp bristles stab your soft gums causeing more whimpers and blood to ooze out from your lips.

"You missed a spot."

You jump but stay in place, refusing to look at him. You hadn't realized he came down here and was watching you.

"Here. Let me help."

He reaches to grab your toothbrush but you flinch away. He looks hurt but that doesn't stop him from yanking your wrist towards him.

"Please (y/n). I just want to make you clean." You body teses at that word.

Clean. Something your captor strives to make you and yet you'll never be it.

You yelp as he pushes the toothbrush harshly against your gums. He freezes before removing it from your mouth.

"Just be sure to get all the filth off of them." He slowly walks but up the stairs.

You shudder in relief and the cold. You slowly start to brush your teeth as you try to gain more warmth. He always said the cold killed germs. He also didnt want you sweaty and gross. You understand that's why he doesnt let you have a blanket, he just doesn't want you to be too hot and start to sweat. If you started to sweat your skin would get scrubbed raw. You didnt want that.

You let out a shakey breathe before placing your toothbrush down and looking up at the spot the mirror used to be. You shudder remembering why your mirror got removed.

Your attitude was repulsive back then. When he first brought you here, you tried so hard to escape but once you figured out it wouldn't work you thought of new ways to make him mad.

You were brushing your teeth, back when they were strong and not bleached, and you smeared toothpaste on the mirror. You knew Keigo hated messes and germs, but it didnt stop you. He came down the stairs and saw the mirror. You can see the panic and anxiety rise within him as he slowly steps towards you. You wanted to have more fun. You give him a wicked smirk and stuck your tounge out, licking the mirror.

That's when he lost it.

His fist was sent flying towards the mirror as he screamed. How could you contaminate yourself like that? You cover your ears as his screaming was making your ears ringing. While doing this you fail to notice the large share of glass he grabbed. He grabs your face and forcefully pries your mouth open. You try to claw at his hands as you feel the corners of your mouth rip. You fail to stop the glass shard from entering your mouth and start digging into your tounge.

"STOP SCREAMING OR I'LL CUT YOUR VOCAL CORDS TOO!" You comply, silently whimpering and choking on your own blood as your tounge was cut down the middle.

You swallow the lump in your throat and move away from the sink. You were happy to still have your tounge, you even learned how to move both sides separately, but you dont like having a minor lisp.

You sit in the corner right next to the stairs. Right there was some warmth but not enough to make you sweat. You curl up and try to doze off but cant as you hear steps on the stair.

Over the railing you see him looking at you. You give him a quick glance before looking at the floor. He sighs, making it the rest of the way to crouch in front of you.

"Please look at me, I'm sorry for what I said before." You only tense hearing him speak.

You were looking at his wings one day and apparently he didnt like that. He yelled at you saying how dirty your gaze was, how he felt repulsed knowing you were looking at him. He then poured vinegar in you left eye, leaving everything permanently blurry.

Your eyes blur with tears as you resist looking at him. You loved him and wanted nothing more than to just admire him but you didnt want to soil his beauty with your gross eyes.

"Please?" His voice was gentle and pleading.

You couldn't see him in pain, so you slowly look at him with a small smile on your face. You just wanted him to be happy, and you'll try your best to give it to him even if you're filthy. His face seems to light up ever so slightly.

"C'mon, let's go eat!" He offers you a hand but you decline it. You arent clean enough for that yet.

The two of you stand and he leads up up the stairs. You make it to the top of the stairs and he closes it behind you.

Instantly you're hit with a wave of warmth. You'd never admit it but it felt like pure bliss but you knew you couldn't stay up here long. Filth like you didnt belong in the light.

You hear a soft click behind you but you dont dare to look.

He proceeds to lead you to the small wooden table in the kitchen. He pulls out a chair for you to sit, and you comply knowing that he had compulsively cleaned it right before you arrived. You know this because he made you clean this table so many times. You remember having to sit on your knees and scrub the furniture so it was clean for him to sit.

You'd do it again for him because he deserves it.

He walks around for a second before setting down a bowl of soup in front of you. You stare at it before speaking.

"Bleach?"

He sighs defeated before sitting next to you.

"Bleach isnt good for you."

Liar.

He used to preach about how you needed to drink it to be clean in his standards. But he had the audacity to scold you when you tried to drink it from the bottle to clean yourself for him.

You gently push the bowl away, still avoiding eye contact. You can feel his eyes staring you down but he refuses to do anything.

He used to force feed you, shoving the utensil down your throat, then he'd make you puke saying how dirty scum like you didnt deserve it. At least you lost that weight you didnt want.

"Can you please eat? You need something, anything in your stomach right now."

No. You didnt deserve him, you didnt deserve this. You were a disgusting bottom feeder that need to be cleaned. You slowly stand and start walking towards the basement door.

"Please (y/n), I can make you something else to eat." He sounds upset.

You stop and slowly look back at him. You tried to reassure him without speaking but somehow it seemed to backfire. He starts to stand but you dart to the door, not giving him a chance to grab you.

Your hands wrap around the handle and try to turn it, only to fail. You start to panic.

Its too hot up here, you'll start to sweat, you dont want your skin scrubbed, you didnt want him to pour hand sanitizer on you to clean your wounds.

"Hey, it's ok. You can stay up here." His voice makes you jump.

"No."

You wanted to go back to your cold sanctuary.

"Its not good for you down there. Stay up here with me."

Liar.

Liar liar liar. He said that down there was the bet place for you, even if you passed out due to the cold. When you'd pass out he'd take that opportunity to love you. You'd slowly wake up to him forcing himself in and out of you.

It hurt so bad.

He'd say how he brought you back to life and how much he loved you. Why did he stop? Does he not love you anymore?

You jump as his hand falls into your shoulder, shaking you out of your thoughts.

"Let's go bathe, we can take one together?" You eagerly shake your head yes.

Not only did you get to bathe with your love but this time he wouldn't put bleach in the tub! It's also a bonus seeing his face beam at you.

He leads you upstairs to the bathroom connected to his room. It's been awhile since you've been in here. He starts to fill up the tub, knowing that the shower head would hurt your damaged skin.

You stand there, awkward. You want to say something, anything. Mainly you want to say his name, but fear prevented you from doing so.

The last time you said his name was when you were trying to tell him to love him. He cut you off saying how you weren't allowed to soil his name with your filthy mouth. He scrubbed your mouth out with a bar of soap after.

"H-hey...." You can tell your voice startled him.

He sighs and looks over his should and wing at you.

"You can say my name you know."

You cant do that. You dont like the taste of the lavender soap he owns.

He notices your discomfort before speaking again. "You dont have to but I'd like it if you did."

He stops the water and starts to undress. You blush. It's been awhile since you got to see him so exposed.

You sneak glances, mainly staring at his wings. They are so beautiful in your opinion. It always amazes you how he slips his wings in and out of his shirt.

"Hehe like what you see?" You flinch and look at the ground, face burning. "Ah you can look at me if you want. I love knowing you like what you see!"

You hear the water splosh a little.

"C'mon, before the water gets cold."

You slowly start to strip, knowing if you didnt he'd come and do it himself.

You feel his eyes travel your body, leaving your skin hot and flustered. Stop. You're not allowed to feel this. You're trash, disgusting. Stop ruining his eyes.

You try to cover yourself as you walk to the tub.

"You're beautiful, you know that right?"

Liar.

He told you you'd never be beautiful.

You ignore him as you step into the tub, slowly sitting with your back towards him. You tense as his arms snake around your waist and pull you towards him, back flush against his chest.

"Please look at me... please say my name... I miss hearing your voice.."

Liar.

He said your voice was the worst sound in the world... but he was sad. He wanted to hear you. Maybe he wont punish you if you did it because he said so.

You wiggle in his grasp to turn and look at him. He had the cutest little smile as he looked into your eyes.

After a minute he gently leads your head to rest against his chest, hand slowly stroking your hair, and planting kisses on your head.

This was heavenly. He was never so gentle and caring. You must've been so good to earn this.

You decide to push it and hug him.

Hug him tightly, afraid of the pain to be inflicted on you, but you do it nonetheless. He seems startled but gladly hugs you back, almost as tightly.

You both know that this tenderness will not last, both of you only hold on tighter, afraid of the aftermath.

He uses on arm to softly clean you. You flinch everytime his hand touches you but you soon start to cherish the feeling.

Once he's done cleaning you, you slowly move from his grasp and start to wash him. Your hands shake as they gently trail down his chest and shoulders. He seems so ecstatic that you were touching him, not trying to scratch his skin off.

You hesitate to try and touch his wings but he grabs your wrist and leads it to his left wing. He laughs at how your face lights up. His feathers are so soft, so beautiful.

The two of you stay there, in that moment, holding each other.

He stands and holds you up with him. Instantly the cold attacks you and he holds you closer. He wraps you in a fluffy towel, as well as himself, and leads you to his bedroom. You stand next to the bed as he searches through the closet for clothes for you.

"Here, they're a pair of your old clothes." He holds out clothes for you to take but you refuse them.

You were even dirtier back then and you dont want to where clothes that were contaminated by past you.

"Well, what are you gonna wear?"

"Your clothes?" You freeze. You didnt mean to say that. You wish you hadn't said that. Now he'll probably force you to wear a garbage bag, he's done it before.

"R-really? I got a blue shirt, you still like blue right?" His voice was excited as he dug through his wardrobe to a smaller shirt for you.

You put on undergarments and take the dark blue shirt from his hand. It was big on you but you liked it because it smelled like him. It came down mid thigh level and had to slits in the for his wings.

As he gets dressed you crawl onto the bed. You knew filth like you didnt deserve to lay on the bed, he told you that himself, but today you were pushing your luck with everything.

"Do.... do you want to spend the night in here with me?" It wasnt an invitation for sex but to share the same room, same bed even. You eagerly nod.

You want to be held in his arms again. To feel safe and not cold and alone. He slowly sits next to you on the bed, scared to make any move. You timidly hold onto him. He gratefully holds you closer.

"I... I love you... Keigo...." He goes silent and you feel his body shudder. You look up at him and feel a tear fall onto your face. "Why....?"

"Because I've waited so long to hear you say that." He pulls you closer and holds you tighter.

Why? You tried so many times to tell him the words in your heart but he always silenced you before you had the chance. So why now?

"I love you so much (y/n)."

No.

No no no no.

That's wrong.

Why is it wrong? You're supposed to get butterflies in your stomach but all you feel is vile bubbling. Why does your name feel... so dirty coming from Keigo, your love?

Is it because..

He's dirty?

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

You wake up wrapped in Keigo's arms. This should feel good but to you it just feels wrong.

You gently try and wake him, desperate to get away from him. He grumbles and rolls over. Normally he'd be awake on patrol but you guess he has today off.

You slowly slip out of bed and walk downstairs. Past you would use this chance to run but you'd never leave your love... that's what you hope atleast. Now you contemplate it.

You walk into the kitchen and look around trying to think about what to make for breakfast. You decide in eggs. You havent cooked in, what you think is, months and you didnt want to try to make anything too hard.

You crack the egg but almost all the shell ends up in the pan. You grumble and try to find the trash can. You're surprised to find it under the sink.

After throwing out the egg, you move the trash can and look at what's under the sink. There you find an abundance of cleaning products. Bleach, disinfect wipes, dishwasher tabs, vinegar, window cleaner, hand sanitizer, you name it.

But there were two things that caught your eye. Rope and rat poison. You grab both.

You hide the rope on one of the two chairs at the table and carry the rat poison to the stove.

You crack more eggs onto the pan, with fewer shells making it to the pan, and pour a generous amount of the poison in with it. You quickly hide the rat poison back and continue cooking.

You dont understand why you did it, but it just felt right.

You put the semi under cooked and burnt eggs on a plate for him. Right as you did so he runs down stairs panicked.

"Goodmorning Keigo!" You made your voice chipper and excited to mask the gross feeling spreading through you.

Why?

He visibly calms down and walks towards you. He comes up behind you and wraps his arms around you waist, nuzzling his face in the crook of your neck.

You were repulsed. He touched made you squirm, it didnt feel right. It didnt feel like heaven like yesterday, it felt toxic.

"You didnt have to make breakfast (y/n)."

You almost gag.

"I wanna get back into cooking. Here!" You hand him his plate. "I made it just for you!"

You can tell he doesnt want to eat it but you persuade him by smiling oh so sweetly. He takes it and goes to sit down.

He almost sits down on the chair that holds your plan but decides against it. Your heart hammers through your chest as you lean against the counter and watch him.

"Hehe what are you doing? Come sit with me!"

"But what if you want more? I wanna be ready to make them!" You didnt recognize your own voice. It was too happy, too coated in honey.

Keigo chuckles at your antics before taking a bite of the meal you made him.

You can tell he's repulsed but he continues to eat it as you give him a cutesy look. He finishes his plate and his face is far paler than when he woke up.

"Do you want more?" You kept your voice excited and cute to help pull off your plan.

"Uh.. No thanks..."

"Was... was it not good?" You watch as panic floods his face.

"N-no! It was delicious! I'm just not feeling well."

"Oh.. ok."

"(Y/n) what's wrong?" He tries to stand but falls to the floor due to his wobbly legs.

You cant hide your wicked smile as Keigo groans and clutches his stomach. He doesn't notice you grab the rope from the chair but he does notice that you've suddenly straddled him.

"(y/n)... what are you doing?"

"Dont say my name. You're too dirty."

You tightly wrap the rope around his neck and hands, not tight enough to kill him but tight enough to limit the oxygen intake to make sure he cant think straight. For example; he could easily cut the rope with his feathers but he's in too much pain and has to focus really hard on breathing.

"(y/n)...."

"What did I just say?"

"(y/n)...."

"If you dont listen I'll make you." You stand and collect the need tools.

You grab the bar of soap on the counter, the knife block with all the knives, and numerous cleaning products from under the sink.

It was your turn to clean him.

He watches fearfully as you grab a knife and twirl it between your fingers and straddle him again.

"All this time I thought you were so clean and pure... turns out you were the filthy one."

You stab the knife though his wing, through where you knew the bone would be. He let's out a strangled scream due to the rope.

"Shhh, or I'll cut out your vocal cords."

You grab another knife and do the same to his other wing. He screams again and you've had enough. You grab a third knife and pry his mouth open. You slowly dig the tip of the knife through his tounge and drag it out, cutting his tounge in half like yours. He let's out pitiful whimpers as he gaggles out blood. His eyes leak tears as you watch them fill with fear.

You dont blame him. You know his blood splattered onto your face, you know you were smiling like crazy, you know that tears were also falling down your face. You didnt know why that was happening.

You loved him so it hurt watching him in pain but it felt so good watching him suffer.

Next you grab a sponge and start scrubbing the stubble on his face with the rough side. He releases more pitiful sounds as he tries to move his head away. You fill your fist with his hair and slam his head back so you can finish your work.

Keigo could most definitely over power you but he cant think straight right now.

After you finished scrubbing his skin and hair off you sit back and admire you work. He looks so helpless.

"P-please..." His words strangled and barely audible.

"Ah ah ah! You should listen more." You grab the bar of soap, which still had your teeth imprint on it, and shove it in his mouth. "I hope you like lavender~!"

He gags and tries to spit it out but you only push it farther down his throat.

You grab the bottle of vinegar and slowly twist off the cap. Once off you lean in real close to his face and pry open he left eye lid. You watch as his pupil darts around in panic as you slowly pour vinegar into his eye socket. You laugh as he let's out a muffled scream.

"I dont see the point in you screaming, no one with hear you. Even if they did, why would they help something so disgusting as you? You're filthy. So dirty. No one will love you because you are disgusting garbage."

bIt was almost like reciting a script that he wrote for you in your head.

You gently kiss one of his tears, tasteing the salty and vinegary flavor. "I'll leave your other eye for now. I want you to see what I do next."

You sit up and grab the knife again. Slowly you carve into his bare chest. He never did this to you but he had threatened it.

You carve the word dirty across his chest.

You remove the knife and grab something else.

Hand sanitizer.

His eyes bulge and he tries to silently convince you no but it only encourages you. You squirt a dollop into the deep cut and watch Keigo arch his back and try to scream. You add a dollop to each letter them some to your finger tips. You slowly insert your fingers into his chest and start rubbing the sanitizer around the muscle.

His sounds of helplessness sparks so much joy within you, how could you possibly stop now?

You continue for every letter before sitting back again to say a few words.

"I do love you, just I need to make you clean. You see, I was clean from the beginning and you were trying to contaminate me. Now let me fix you."

You give him a sickeningly sweet smile before standing. You hand wraps around the bleach bottle. He watches you flick off the cap and circle him.

"Red is such a filthy color."

You pour the contents of the bottle onto his right wing, then his left. It had no effect at first but slowly the burning sensation started. You watched him try to get the bleach off his wings, but all he did was spread it. His once deep red feathers slowly start to turn pink, then white.

You step onto his gut with a heavy foot and look down at him.

"I think I'm going to have a lot of fun cleaning you, my little dove~."

Kiby~💚

[fakvb]

Part 5

Word count: 1075

Warning: swearing, angst

Pairing: Oikawa Toruu x reader

Author’s note: Sooo idk where i was going with this so please bear with me. I’m tired. Ive been running off almost no sleep. This is probably the final part but if you want i can write a follow-up for when the whole incident has blown over? Idk. If you can, give me feedback. If you didn’t like it, please tell me why you didn’t. (Respectfully of course).

•••

“(Y/n)! Hey! Oikawa! Wake up sleepy heads!” You felt someone poking your shoulder, when you realized you had fallen asleep on Oikawa. Your head was on his, and he was still sleeping soundly. You jolted up, starting Oikawa awake in doing so.

“What?” You rubbed your eyes as you looked around the room. Iwaizumi was awake, and had the biggest grin on his face. He was shaking from trying to control fits of laughter. Next to you was Kyotani and Yahaba. Yahaba had a smirk on his face and Kyotani was raising an eyebrow. “You two were asleep. According to Iwaizumi, it was about 6:00, when he woke up. Probably before that. He’d tell you but i don't think he’s going to be able to stop laughing for a while now.” Yahaba waved his hand around as Iwaizumi started laughing loudly, bringing his good arm up to his face to wipe away tears from snickering.

Oikawa dipped his head and clenched his fists. “But are you going to be okay Iwa? You’re not mad at me?”

Iwaizumi’s laughter slowed, and he gained composure. “I woke up on the ambulance. The docs said I had a concussion. I have a broken arm. Nothing else is wrong with me, as far as we know. I passed out when they set my arm. Im pissed that I won’t be able to play for a while, but it’s the beginning of the year so I hopefully should be fine to play after a while.” He stretched a little and winced slightly. “Doc said I can’t leave the bed. So I’m pissed about that too. And i'm a little pissed at you Oikawa, because you’re a dumbass.”

At this, Oikawa’s head snapped up, his face full of shock and slight betrayal. “Me? A dumbass? Please don’t insult me like that!”

You looked at them both and spoke quietly to the other two boys. “I still have no idea what they’ve been arguing about. Oikawa refused to tell me yesterday, but he was blubbering the whole time because he thought Iwa would hate him.”

Oikawa stood up quickly and stretched. “Yeah well i guess that’s enough talk about last night. I’m starved. Do you have more food, (y/n)?”

You hugged your bag and grinned. “Not until you tell me what you were arguing about, if its so stupid. If you don’t, you wont get food.”

Iwaizumi raised an eyebrow at Oikawa, as if to command him to explain. Kyotani and Yahaba shifted their weight and looked at Oikawa expectantly.

Oikawa, to your shock, blushed. He gave you a little grin, and said, “Well, i was asking him if he thought i should… well…” He glanced at Iwaizumi, who gave him an eyebrow raise, then at the two behind you, who kept poker faces.

Oikawa leaned a little closer to you, and spoke with a calm tone. “Well, (y/n), how about we go on a date sometime?”

You were dumbfounded. “I- what?” You looked at Iwa and back at Oikawa.

“You see, Oikawa’s been pestering me, wondering how to ask you on a date. He’s apparently liked you for a while and won't quit talking about you.” Iwaizumi explained with a satisfied look on his face. Oikawa held out his hand to you. “(Y/n)? What do you say? And please don’t say no, because that would make me look bad in front of everyone.”

You smiled and instead of taking his hand, put a gummy snack in his hand. “Of course, Oikawa. Who in their right mind would say no?” You stood and reached up to pat his head. Then, without any warning, he reached over and kissed your cheek. You squealed slightly in surprise.

Iwaizumi and Yahaba laughed. “Well that settles that issue.” Iwaizumi rolled his eyes and pointed to his cast. “Oikawa, when I get out of here, you’re in for a hell of a lot. You owe me for let’s see, the pain, the cost of the ambulance, and uh, oh yeah, being a dumbass.”

Oikawa, who was now eating gummies, paled. “Okay. Just don’t toss me in the trash again. I couldn’t get that smell out for weeks.”

Yahaba and Kyotani bowed. “We should be going now. We spoke with Iwa before the two of you woke up. See you later.” They waved and walked out of the room, closing the door behind them.

Iwaizumi relaxed back into his bed. “But it was my fault for getting pissed and running off. I didn’t look where I was going and got hit. The moment I hit the pavement I was out. Though you did piss me off, Oikawa. That’s all on you.”

Oikawa nodded and pulled out his phone. “Yeah, i know. I was being dumb. I am really sorry about that. I know I’ll never forgive myself for that. And I’m going to do whatever I have to to help you out.” He put his phone back in his pocket and grinned. “And you’ve got some more visitors on the way.”

Iwaizumi groaned and rolled his eyes. “I swear never going to find time to rest.”

You hummed and shifted your weight. “Well, I’m hungry and I'm craving pancakes. You don’t mind if i go home and fix breakfast?”

Iwaizumi nodded and grimmanced. “Yeah, and maybe that idiot should go with you too. The food here is shit so if you could, could you bring me some actual food?”

“Of course. You’ll be okay?” Oikawa raised an eyebrow.

“Yes! Get the hell out and give me some peace and quiet please. You’re starting to tick me off again.” Iwaizumi pulled out his phone (you had no idea how he had gotten it) and began scrolling through it.

As you left you passed by Kindaichi and Kinimi. They acknowledged you and continued down the hallway.

“Well, I suppose everythings going to end up okay,” Oikawa said, turning to you. “As long as Iwa’s arm heals and he forgives me everything should be okay. And I want to thank you for helping me out. If you weren’t here to reassure me I might have gone crazy. I don’t know how you kept your composure, but I owe you.” He smiled at you and grabbed your hand, and you felt heat rush to your face.

“I was panicking. But somehow I knew I had to keep you from shutting down. Now, let’s go make some pancakes!”

[holidcy]

i am actually embarrassed to say how long this intro too me to write out ? so im not gonna say it ! it’s not like it took be 3 hours or anything 👀 . and for what ? idk because this intro is a mess . but anyways ... i’m mia , i’m a whole twenty years old which really just feels like a glorified teenager but whatever , we’re not here to talk about that right now . we’re here to talk about my lil baby holly . guys she is literally the sweetest human ever ? but also ? to sensitive for her own good and really the good of those around her ? very happy feet energy coming form this girl . but without further ado , below you can read up on holly & if you wanna plot give this a like . also my discord is 𝖒𝖌𝖐'𝖘 𝖜𝖍𝖔𝖗𝖊#9789 if you wanna plot there or just generally chat !

𝐆𝐄𝐓 𝐈𝐍 𝐃𝐄𝐏𝐓𝐇

full name: holiday elena addams nickname: holly ( she’s basically turned this into her name , not one really calls her holiday ) , holls , elle ( by her parents ) birthday: june 3rd birthplace: chicago , illinois hometown: highland park , illinois ( although the family home was located in highland park her parents would in chicago and holly even attended private school in chicago ) residence: new york city , new york nationality: american ( est. 1999 through birth )  ethnicity: english ( maternal & paternal , 50% ) , polish ( maternal , 25% ) , spanish ( paternal , 25% ) religion: catholicism  orientation: heterflexible ( she claims being straight but in all actually she’s not closed off to anything despite not having much experience outside the opposite gender ) languages spoken: english ( fluent , first language ) , spanish ( fluent , second language ) , polish ( conversation , third language ) , mandarin  ( conversational , fourth language ) . father: leandro oliver addams  ( 49 years old )  was born & raised in chicago , illinois by a politician / businessman & a philanthropist . leandro went on to take a little bit from both of his parents as he is a highly esteemed business tycoon as well as being regarded as one of the most charitable men in the world .  ( relationship:  there has never been a day that has gone by where the two didn’t get along . if there is anyone in this world who gets holly it is her father . truly , daddy’s little girl . the two of them are as thick as thieves . ) mother : susanna renee addams ( nee daniels ) ( 48 years old ) was born & raised in long island , new york . the daughter of a hedge fund investor & a stay at home mother . susanna grew to be an amazing cosmetologist and which the help of her father’s amazing business mind she was able to start up a salon in new york city . she gained the most devoted clientele , loving every second of her work . she took a break for almost a decade before deciding to return to the beauty industry . today she has salons across the globe in chicago , los angeles , toronto , london , and new york city .  ( relationship: susanna often had to play bad cop when it came to parenting and because of this the two butted heads quite often whilst holly was growing up . despite this , her mom is her role model and the two have always had a friendship that underlined their mother - daughter relationship .  ) social class: upper education: attending new york university ( s. 2018 ) she spent her first year of university at usc , she’s majored in creative writing at both universities  career: author ( her book is a coming of age mystery called privilege that she’s recently admitted to writing the full book during a coke binge ) , internet personality , philanthropist , socialite , and student  notoriety: being apart of the prominent addams family , amassing over 32m followers on all social media platforms , publishing a new york times best selling book at the age of seventeen . weight: 120lbs height: 5′5″ hair color: brown ( with blonde highlights ) eye color: brown positive traits: benevolent, high spirited , extroverted , romantic , honest , affectionate , intelligent , friendly , ambitious , passionate , approachable , charming  negative traits: immature , vain , garrulous , critical , sensitive , stubborn , inattentive , naive , sarcastic , obsessive , insecure , impractical , irritable likes: anything strawberry flavored , flowers , driving fast , pink , watching the first snow fall , birthday parties , lips gloss , netflix , sunkissed skin , dogs , peanut butter , agatha christie , redecorating , driving with the windows down , long plane rides , denim jackets , taco bell , orange juice , makeup , sports , female empowerment , online shopping , fresh berries , roller skating , photography , writing , tea dislikes: liars , driving in the snow , coffee , having no siblings , deep water , bad drivers , body shaming , pizza , hateful people , being rushed , cuss words , repetition , disloyalty , being alone ,  horror movies , dentists , silence , cheap perfume , criticism , the unknown , traffic , wine , poptarts ,  small spaces ,  hobbies: reading with a hot cup of tea , video editing in the back of a car , smoking before bed to help fall asleep , going out to eat with her parents , napping , hiding alcohol in her bedroom , painting alternate universe cartoons , attending big soirees , stashing drugs in jewelry boxes , sleepovers with her closest friends , talking the dogs on walks , early morning instagram lives , old disney marathons , scribbling in a notebook while snuggled up in bed  chara inspo: olivia baker ( all american ) , leila faisal ( all american ) , tan france ( queer eye ) , elena gilbert ( the vampire diaries ) , dorothy gale ( wizard of oz ) , lucy pevensie ( chronicles of narnia ) , lara jean ( to all the boys i loved before ) , elle woods ( legally blonde ) , jeffree star , jenny humphrey ( gossip girl ) , cassie howard ( euphoria ) fashion inspo: vsco girls , bella hadid , megan markle , rihanna , selena gomez , perrie edwards , emma watson aesthetics: ghostly sounding music playing as background music to a pen to paper , eyes widened at the chance to do something positive , the annoying beg for approval , infectious energy , a pout so crippling , the swell of regret as you sneak a bottle into your bedroom , tanned skin tousling with silk sheets , big eyes threatening to shed a tear , the zip of a pink mclaren 

𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐇𝐎𝐋𝐈𝐃𝐀𝐘 𝐄𝐑𝐀

holly is the only child to leandro and susanna addams ( the addams family 👀 ) . she was born with not just a silver spoon but the silver spoon . the addams are a prominent american family , that are regarded as one of the leading industrialist during the gilded age . in short her families been billionaire rich for a long time and are known as one of the families to bring wealth to the city of chicago . she was incredibly spoiled growin gup as you would assume but by the grace of her parents teachings she was anything but a brat . she had being filthy rich and being an only child working against her and she still managed to be the most giving and down to earth child . from a young age holly would give her toys to other kids during play dates & ask her parents if she could donate the things she didn’t use anymore to the less fortunate . 

although her father had a busying career as he took over the family company just a year before holly was born , but in spite of that he always made time for his family . luckily her mother had stepped away from her career soon after meeting holly’s father , so she was able to be a stay at home mom and be there for every important moment of holly’s life . by the way , susanna was straight of of a real housewives show only just an overall better person ? they had dinner together as a family every night , threw parties at the house for every big moment in holly’s life . everything from birthdays , graduations , academic honors , to becoming captain of the cheerleading team and everything in between warranted a celebration in the eyes of susanna and leandro . 

she grew up extremely sheltered , mostly because her parents wanted to keep their little girl well their little girl . they didn’t want the world to taint her . she went to church every sunday and even wednesday nights , if she wanted to have a sleepover it was always at the addams household , and her parents met the parent/s of every kid she befriended growing up . 

despite their attempts her parents couldn’t shield her from one thing . getting her heart broken and at sixteen she experience her first bout of heart break . the boy she’d falling head over heels for just stopped talking to her one day , with no rhythm or reason he moved on to another girl with a blink of an eye . she couldn’t understand why ( pst ? it was because she slept with him and that was all he wanted to begin with ) someone could be so cruel an play with someones heart like that . it was her first experience of how the world could really work and in all honesty , holly couldn’t handle it . she got her hands on her parents bar room in the house and would literally drink every night before bed so she could sleep . 

this soon turned into her going to parties , promising her parents "i just want to hang out with my friend , i wont touch any alcohol” and her promise was always kept , she didn’t touch alcohol at these parties instead she smoke weed and on the chance one of her friends had it on them she’d do a line . 

this double life , if you would , didn’t lead to any real issues , at least not while she was in highschool . she still graduated top of her class  and even got accepted into her dream school university of southern california .  it wasn’t until she was a semester deep in usc that she realized she was losing control over her life . maybe it was a mix of her derailing mental state , being separated from her parents , and the los angeles social make up . whatever it was holly wasn’t too far gone to see she needed help . 

instead of going back to school the following semester holly checked herself into rehab . her parents freaked out , unaware their daughter had touched a substance a day in her life . it was a long process and took alot of owning up for her own wrong doings but after a couple months she checked out of rehab and flew out to her parents .

she had decided upon leaving rehab that her best bet directly after getting out would be to surround herself with people who loved her . during her short stint in california her parents had made the temporary move to new york city so that her mom could focus on the salon in the city , so holly transferred to new york university to continue her studies and be around her parents .

she lives under their roof , despite being more than self efficient thanks to her multiple branches of income including her trust fund but she figures there is only so much more time before they leave to go back to chicago that the more time she spends with them the better off she’ll be when they leave the city . speaking of , she doesn’t know her parents will be leaving the city in the next few months . on a positive note they plan on paying the rent in the apartment they live in for her until she finds somewhere she likes better .   

today , holly is a sober ( she smokes weed here and there but it’s not a addictive so it fine 🙄 ) and happy . although due to how sensitive the girl is anything could make her snap , she’s incredibly fragile guys . like capable of having a mental break at any moment but like we ignore it because if we bring it up it’ll happen . wooo . 

not so fun fact ? when she has an off day she’ll literally sit in her room holding either a bottle she had hidden in her walk in closet or stares at the coke she keeps in her jewelry box . she hasn’t used any of it but she tells herself its there as a reminder when really it’s a crutch for if she ever needs it again , she has easy access .

secret time ? she pushed her ex boyfriend of a balcony while she was drunk . this happened before she went to rehab ... perhaps you could say it was what prompted her to realized her crazy ass needed to go to rehab . ummm , it’s not acceptable and she knows this but one thing we all need to know about holly is that holly + substances + being upset = toxic shit that is always the equation and there is never another answer to it . 

𝐖𝐀𝐍𝐓𝐄𝐃 𝐂𝐎𝐍𝐍𝐄𝐂𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍

a girl squad or just a squad in general really , give my baby her lil group of people please

maybe a fellow chicago native ? who she dated in highscool and you know is the one who dropped her like a hot potato after she slept with him

ex hook ups 

frenemies but more like a blair & lil j circa season 1 situation ? 

someone who just doesn’t like her , but like she does everything she can think of to get them to like her 

an unrequited ting were he’s leading her one so he can sleep with her ?

or maybe someone has a crush on holly but she just doens’t have the heart to tell them she’s not interested so now here she is kissing and OMG YUP NOW SHES SLEEPING W THEM ...

someone she races ? she loves cars especially fast ones

a we hang out and watch/obsess over sports but the whole time i can’t help but think about how hot you are kinda vibe ?

someone who is v bad for her and they know it but she doesn’t care because she like them so much & he likes her too but knows he’ll hurt her ?!

someone who sees that she might be teetering on falling off the wagon ( maybe they were over her place and saw the stash of substances all over her room ), maybe they’re trying to get her to stop smoking weed bc they feel like for her that’s a huge gateway  

smoking buddies where they literally just hot box cars together and munch on taco bell talking about why sound vibrates & shit

someone who she used to party with & be wild with ( could be from chi or nyc because she visited alot as a kid ) and now they feel like she’s a lame bc she’s sober

she’s a good influence on them ? they’re a bad influence on her ? ride or dies ? partners in crime ? only friends when there is a substance involved ? sugar baby vibes ? unlikely friends ? flings ? crush ? friends with benefits ? everytime they are around one another its a fight ? someone she lets crash at her parents place sometimes ? someone she’s backstabbed but like she got tricked into doing it ? anything fluffy , anything angsty ... reall just anything you got , i’ll take ! 

[vitanes]

say it’s okay when it’s not

chapter 11: who’s guilty?

Lucas tries and fails at keeping things normal between him and Eliott, has a heartfelt talk with Arthur, reunites with his mom and finds out something unexpected.

(quick psa the updates may not be as regular as they’ve been because the exam session starts soon and i can’t promise anything but the story wont be abandoned no worries!)

The weight of Eliott’s confession doesn’t reach Lucas until much later.

He’s eating his cereal on a Sunday morning when he freezes mid-bite.

He didn’t fully understand what occurred on Friday, so nothing weird happened between them. They danced some more, then watched a movie and afterwards Eliott left. He was relaxed by that time, no longer any uneasy air surrounding him. And Lucas was happy about it. He didn’t think about the reason behind Eliott’s distress too long. Like, yes, his brain stopped working for a moment when Eliott said he liked him, but he regained his senses quickly. Mostly because of how nervous Eliott was in that moment and Lucas didn’t want him to feel bad.

Eliott didn’t want him to comment on the matter so that probably also played a role as to why Lucas let go of it so easily. But now it’s struck him.

Eliott has a crush on him. Has had one for a long time. And he was convinced that he had been obvious about it all the while Lucas hadn’t noticed a thing. Maybe he would have seen it coming if not for all the mess going on in his life, but still. They’ve grown closer over the past month or so. He couldn’t have been that blind.

Perhaps Eliott is better at hiding those things than he thinks.

But does it change anything? Lucas has been treating their bond as something precious, as something he wanted to keep. He doesn’t want to lose it. Should he be worried now? No, Eliott told him he didn’t want things to change and specifically asked him not to say anything. He wants them to stay friends despite his feelings for Lucas. Which is sweet, but should Lucas watch himself now? Should he keep any distance?

It’d go against both of them wanting things to stay the same. So he can’t start acting like anything has changed. Mostly because he doesn’t want to. He feels comfortable with Eliott, he likes being close to him.

What if he gives Eliott false hope? What if he makes him believe they could be more? No, Eliott said he doesn’t expect anything from Lucas which means he doesn’t think Lucas likes him this way. He accepts being rejected, hell, he turned himself down without Lucas saying a word.

In this case, Lucas doesn’t have to freak out about it, does he? Eliott simply wanted to share it with him, that’s what friends do. No need to sweat it.

But on the other hand, a boy likes Lucas. Damn. That has never happened before and he’s got no idea how to feel about it. When he remembers the gentle way Eliott confessed to him, his voice obviously anxious, something flutters in Lucas’ stomach. He can’t pinpoint what exactly and whether it’s a good or bad thing; all he knows is that it makes him jittery.

“Everything alright?” someone asks and Lucas jumps on his seat, almost knocking the bowl with his cereal over. He looks to the side and sees Manon, watching him carefully. There’s a wrinkle of worry between her eyebrows. He gulps.

“Yeah, it’s cool,” he says. He can’t tell her he’s just realised his friend has feelings for him. It would be like spilling Eliott’s secrets. Lucas isn’t that kind of person.

“Are you sure you want to go to school tomorrow?” She sits down next to him, her gaze boring in the side of his face.

Lucas nods. “I wanted to stay here, but I can’t hide forever. Besides, you will be there and the girls and boys. I should be fine,” he says and he wants to make it sound like he’s certain about it, for Manon’s sake, but in reality he’s trying to convince himself it’s a good idea. He keeps recalling everything Mika has told him to gain some strength and push forward. Only that way can he face his fears.

Manon sighs and props her chin up on her palm. “But we can’t be by your side all the time,” she mumbles with defeat and Lucas chuckles. So that’s what Yann meant when he talked about how everyone might be all over Lucas’ when he comes back.

“Don’t worry, I’m a big boy. I don’t need to be supervised all the time,” he assures her with a small smile tugging at the corners of his lips.

Sure, he’s scared of going back, of being seen by all those people who stood by when he was suffering. But he has to think about the good things if he doesn’t want to be consumed by doubts.

He will go to school and survive.

 ***

 The closer to the building he is, the heavier his steps seem to be. It’s like his body was telling him not to go there. Rejected the idea of stepping on the school grounds altogether. But Lucas can’t let the dread dictate every single thing he does. He needs to go there or he will feel like he failed.

Walking through the gate, his hands are already trembling. He avoids looking at anyone while crossing the schoolyard, going straight to where he knows his friends are. With his eyes downcast and hands curled up into fists, despite one of them aching, he walks until he reaches the familiar bench.

The guys are there and the air shifts slightly when Lucas joins them. But not in a bad or awkward way. More in a prepare yourself way.

Lucas looks over them, flushes when his eyes meet Eliott’s and says, “Hey.”

A second later and both Arthur and Basile are on him, squeezing him to the point something in his back cracks.

Arthur lands a wet kiss on Lucas’ forehead and pulls him close to his chest all the while Basile is clinging to Lucas’ neck. It’d be embarrassing if it wasn’t this endearing.

He hears Yann and Eliott laughing at the scene and lets out a snort himself. “You can let go of me now,” he mumbles, his voice muffled by Arthur’s shirt.

“As if,” Arthur replies and tightens his hold around Lucas.

“Guys, let him breathe,” Yann says, trying to tug Basile away from Lucas. Once he succeeds, Lucas sends him a grateful look and gets a wide grin in return. Basile pouts but Yann throws an arm over his shoulders. Arthur probably won’t budge as easily as Basile, his grip iron, but Lucas will let him be.

He wraps his arms around Arthur in resignation and lets himself be hugged.

Things may not get any better, Lucas can’t shake the terror off himself and will not be able to do it for a very long time, but he never has to struggle all by himself and that’s a thing he’s learnt while going through all those hardships.

 ***

 Over a week has passed since that accident, but people are looking, of course, they are. And Lucas could almost laugh when they are all seated in the cafeteria. Each one of them sporting visible, although fading, bruises from then.

He hasn’t noticed earlier, but Basile has an enormous one in the middle of his forehead and Arthur’s nose is swollen. Not to mention Eliott’s split lip or Yann’s cheekbone wound. Thank God Lucas’ most prominent injuries are covered by his clothes.

They must be a sight nevertheless. People keep throwing looks their way just as they’ve been doing throughout the whole day, any time Lucas passed them in the hallways or during lessons.

But he tries to ignore the stares that make his skin crawl and focuses on eating his meal instead. The rest seem unbothered. They’ve probably gotten used to the attention in the past week.

Someone knocks into Lucas’ foot under the table and his head shoots up. The guys are busy eating their food or talking over one another and the only one that catches Lucas’ eye is Eliott.

“Are you okay?” he asks and Lucas raises his eyebrow in confusion. Eliott nods at Lucas’ side and only then does he realise he’s been rubbing his hand over his ribs. He immediately stops the movement and puts his hand on the table.

“I’m fine,” he replies sheepishly. How come did Eliott notice something Lucas wasn’t even aware of?

He doesn’t ask, letting his eyes fall back to his half-eaten pasta. He waits a moment and then sneaks a glance at Eliott, but he’s already preoccupied with his meal. Lucas lets his eyes wander over Eliott’s frame, the way he’s holding his fork, making a conversation or gesticulating with his free hand. Lucas pauses when Eliott smiles at something Yann has said, his eyes crinkling up with amusement.

Soon enough Eliott’s finished with his meal and takes a sip from his soda. Lucas observes how his Adam’s apple bops when he swallows. Eliott wipes his lips with the back of his hand and puts his elbows on the table, engaging in a discussion with Basile.

Lucas tries to look away, to eat his own lunch, but each time, his eyes go back to Eliott.

God, why is he making it so weird? Eliott didn’t tell him about his feelings to be gawked at, he gets it enough from other students. He confessed because he trusts Lucas. And Lucas is about to make him really uncomfortable if he doesn’t stop.

Lucas grits his teeth, angry at his behaviour and forces himself to go through the rest of what’s on his plate. He’s on his third bite when someone flicks him in the ear and he flinches.

“Have you been to the police station?” Arthur asks when Lucas finally looks up at him. Arthur’s sitting next to Lucas so he doesn’t have to raise his voice. That way the rest don’t pay them any mind. Small victories.

“I haven’t,” Lucas replies, twirling pasta around his plate. Out of the corner of his eye, he sees Arthur scoffing.

“Why not? We all went,” he says, his eyebrows pinched. Lucas rolls his eyes. “Don’t make that face. You know the situation is serious, you can’t let that go.”

Lucas lets out a heavy sigh. “I was told you all reported the accident. The school said they aren’t going to leave it alone either. I don’t have to make it personal,” Lucas says petulantly. He knows he should press the charges against the bullies, he’s well aware of it. But how can he be sure it won’t cause more problems than do good? And it’s a scary thing. It’d make everything even more serious.

“You have to make it personal,” Arthur says, his voice full of disbelief. From his point of view, Lucas must be acting like a stubborn kid who doesn’t realise what happened.

“Maybe I don’t want to,” Lucas answers. He’s contradicting himself all the time. He wants justice, he wants to push forward, not have this situation swept under the rug. He promised before that he’d do something if he was hurt any further. But his whole being is telling him to just ignore it. Try to live as if nothing happened, like it was an obstacle he had to get through.

“You could have died. If no one had informed the principal, if the girls hadn’t seen it. If we hadn’t got to you on time, you could be dead right now,” Arthur says, his voice cutting through the noise around them. His tone is sharp and cold, giving Lucas chills. “Don’t treat it lightly. Manon told us you weren’t getting out of your room for days, that you weren’t eating. So please, don’t… don’t act like all is okay now as they were expelled.” Arthur has closed his eyes and the hand he’s put on the table is shaking. And Lucas realises that it’s not only about him. He remembers how Eliott told him that Arthur was blaming himself and it’s visible in the way he acts around Lucas as if he were something easily breakable.

There’s more to that. Lucas was attacked for being gay. Arthur is bisexual. It has to be petrifying for him, to be in a school where something like that happens to people like him. Lucas wonders if Arthur thought that he could have been a victim. Who knows, maybe Arthur is also blaming himself for that. That it was Lucas people picked on.

Arthur seems to be overflowing with emotions, bottling it up ever since the truth about Lucas came out. He has so many reasons to seek out rightfulness in this situation. Lucas wishes he could take this burden off him. He needs to stop thinking about himself only. He owes Arthur and all of his friends that much. Besides he’s already decided to fight his demons.

He puts his hand on Arthur’s shoulder and squeezes, trying to ground him.

“If it’s important to you, I’ll go. But only if you go with me,” Lucas mutters and Arthur looks up at him.

“It should be important to you as well,” Arthur replies, his voice sad. “Don’t do it for me. Or anyone else for that matter. Do it for yourself. I have to go,” he whispers, standing up. Lucas’ hand slides off his shoulder and falls limply to his side. Lucas watches Arthur go until he disappears completely.

The conversation with Arthur has been long postponed. Way too long.

Lucas turns towards the table and is met by three pairs of eyes watching him curiously.

“Did you hear all of it?” He scrunches his nose up.

“More or less,” Basile says apologetically.

“We told him that maybe it wasn’t the best moment, but Lucas, he’s right,” Yann tells him, frowning.

“You can’t just let the things flow. Sometimes you have to take control of your own fate,” Eliott adds, looking at Lucas meaningfully. Almost daring. As if he was saying I did it last Friday, can you?

Can he?

 ***

 Arthur is pretty much avoiding Lucas for the next two days. But in a way other people don’t notice. They hang out as a group, but Arthur doesn’t engage in conversations with Lucas, doesn’t pay him attention nor does he ask questions. For someone who didn’t know them, it’d look as if nothing’s changed, but Lucas can’t be fooled.

Lucas knows Arthur is upset. So do Basile and Yann who prompt him to talk it out. Eliott doesn’t say anything, but he must sense something is off if his confused looks are anything to go by.

Lucas catches Arthur after their shared biology lesson on Wednesday. It’s not easy since Arthur literally bolts out of the classroom like he knew that Lucas wants to talk with him. Fortunately, he’s stopped by someone also being in a hurry and bumping into him on their way.

The time during which Arthur gathers his bearings is enough for Lucas to reach him and clasp a hand on his shoulder. Arthur freezes and looks around, but when he notices it’s only Lucas, he huffs with irritation.

“We need to talk,” Lucas says and starts pushing Arthur forward, not taking no for an answer.

“Maybe I don’t want to talk,” Arthur retorts but doesn’t do anything to get away. So he’s not completely opposed to talking. Good. Lucas will take anything he can.

Lucas wants to have this conversation in private, which isn’t easy to obtain when one’s at school. Luckily for them, Arthur nods in the direction of a secluded place right under the stairs leading to the first floor. As far as Lucas knows, people usually use it to make out between the lessons, but this time it’s empty.

Once they approach the place, they slide down to the floor. Arthur leans his head back against the wall and sighs.

The stairs make them hidden from prying eyes. Lucas is very much thankful for that as he watches the distressed lines on Arthur’s face.

“I’m sorry,” Lucas decides to say and Arthur raises one of his eyebrows. He opens his mouth to say something, but Lucas stops him before any sound could leave his throat. “I didn’t consider how this could make you feel. Despite, you know, the usual, feeling guilty about being a burden for you and you getting hurt because of me. I didn’t stop to think about how else it could have had affected you. That’s why I’m sorry,” he finishes, tugging nervously at his fingers. He senses Arthur watching him from the side, but he can’t bring himself to look back at him.

“Lucas, it’s not about how we feel. I mean, yeah, it was terrifying. But it’s more about how dismissive you are. Like, your bruises will fade, but it’ll stay with you forever. You can’t just ignore it and pretend everything is okay. For your own sake, you shouldn’t be doing it,” Arthur says, pinching the bridge of his nose with his fingers. “It’s pissing me off. Because if something like that happened to one of us, you wouldn’t let it go,” he pauses to take a deep breath. “And I feel like I failed you. As your friend, as a part of your community. I couldn’t do anything, but watch all those things happen to you. I’m…” he curls up his hands into fists, “…filled with shame and rage. And despite that, I’m still helpless,” he says, his voice barely above a whisper. He’s looking down on his lip, his expression defeated.

Lucas is reminded once again of how Eliott mentioned to him Arthur’s feelings before. How Arthur feels responsible. Only now Lucas notices how much it must have been weighing him down. He reaches out his hand and wraps his fingers around Arthur’s. Arthur perks up at that and looks towards him.

“None of it is your fault. Stop blaming yourself. You haven’t failed me, not at all. You and the guys have always been by my side. If you keep thinking about it, it won’t end up well. Believe me,” he snorts, “I know from my own experience. And I– I want justice. I really do. I just. Don’t want to dwell on it, I guess. That’s been always my method when I had to deal with my problems. I’m not as brave as I wish I was,” he mutters and shrugs.

Arthur rolls his eyes.

“You’ve been through so much shit and you came out of it alive. So you are fucking brave,” he says boldly and squeezes Lucas’ hand. “And I know I shouldn’t think about it so much but I can’t stop it. I keep telling myself that if I had known sooner I–“

“You couldn’t have known sooner because I did everything I could to hide it from all of you. There’s no reason for you to feel guilty over something you had no control of. Literally. And shit happened to me after everyone found out. You couldn’t have done anything. So stop feeling guilty.”

Lucas is aware of how messy this whole conversation is, but regardless of that he can see Arthur clearly following. He may not be convinced, yet. But it’s the same as when Mika talked with Lucas. A starting point. Lucas can’t get rid of Arthur’s guilt with a couple of words, but he can plant a seed in his mind and let it grow. As long as they’re communicating, that’s what’s important.

A few beats of silence pass before either of them speaks. But the quiet isn’t suffocating. Lucas knows Arthur is processing everything he’s heard and trying to make sense of it. It’s more he could ask for.

“I can’t promise you I will, but I’m going to try?” Arthur says finally, his voice full of uncertainty.

Lucas nods, a faint smile tugging at the corners of his lips. “That’s fair. And I’ll think about going to the police, okay?”

“Fine, fine, but don’t think too long,” Arthur says teasingly and puts his head on Lucas’ shoulder. They rest there for a little while, in their small bubble. Lucas feels content.

 ***

 Lucas’ eyes continue jumping towards the entrance of the café every time he hears the little bell above the door jiggle. His palms are sweaty and he’s sitting uncomfortably straight on his chair. His hands are fiddling with a napkin and he checks the time every few minutes.

Both he and his mother decided that meeting up in a quiet and neutral place would be the most appropriate. Neither of them associates any hard feelings with this café, there aren’t too many people to feel anxious about and if one of them wishes to leave earlier, there are no bounds holding them down. It’s perfect.

He’s come much earlier than he should have, too nervous to wait any longer in the flat. He’s been pacing ever since he came back from school. He needed to get out. But now he’s stuck there, waiting for God knows how long before his mom will appear. He hasn’t thought it out too well.

He’s so caught up in his thoughts that he doesn’t even notice a woman sitting across from him. He jumps when she taps him on the shoulder and his head snaps up.

At first, he doesn’t recognise her. She’s smiling softly at him, her eyes surrounded by wrinkles. Her hair reaches the tips of her ears and is curled up at the ends. There’s a hint of lipstick on her lips and eyeshadow adorning her eyes. She looks elegant, sophisticated.

Lucas is staring at the woman and the images in his mind don’t match with the one in front of him. Last time he saw his mother, her hair was damaged and shoulder-length, she had bags under her eyes and her cheeks were sunken. Her skin was ashen. She looked like one bad move could break her.

Now she’s radiating life and Lucas feels like he’s sitting with a stranger. He doesn’t know how to act.

She tilts her head to the side and squints her eyes at him. Lucas thinks that she’s going to yell at him for something he’s done, be angry, but all she does is reach out her hand and brush her knuckles over his face. Lucas initially flinches away from the gesture, unprepared, but once he’s relaxed, he leans into her touch. It feels like coming home and there’s a pang in his chest when his mom pulls her hand away.

She scowls, watching him carefully. “I hope you will tell me everything that’s happened,” she says, opening the menu.

His mom orders a cup of green tea and a piece of cake all the while Lucas gets himself some hot chocolate. They are quiet while waiting for their drinks, avoiding each other’s eyes. Lucas has no idea why it’s so hard when they’re both determined to make things work. Maybe the wounds between them run way too deep.

The moment the waitress brings their orders and leaves, Lucas decides there’s no point in waiting any longer and he launches into the story. He starts from the very beginning – the drunken kiss– goes on to say how much Eliott’s appearance affected him and then how he was struggling with paying off the blackmailer. How his head was a mess for many reasons and he thought he was going to explode one day. Lucas talks about the night he slept with a girl because that’s what he thought was right. He doesn’t hide the way his father kept dismissing him, how it led to his breakdown and Lucas hurting himself. Lucas doesn’t skip any details, he doesn’t want to even if it’s hard to be so vulnerable. His drink stays untouched and his throat goes drier with each uttered word, but he pushes forward. Despite his shame and his voice wavering, he reaches the aftermath of the pictures being leaked. His hands are trembling when he talks about people’s treatment of him, their ostracising looks and verbal attacks. By the time he’s speaking about the boys throwing the ball at him and later on beating him up, Lucas feels detached. He finishes his story with a loud and shaky exhale, his heart pounding fast in his chest.

He’s not looking at his mom, keeping his eyes on his mug. He needs a moment or two to compose himself after pouring his heart out like that. He’s already told people about what happened, but it’s never been the whole story in one sitting. Lucas is exhausted. Completely spent.

He reaches out for his mug and takes a sip. The hot chocolate is lukewarm now and Lucas frowns. At least it doesn’t taste horrible.

“When you were saying all of that, I thought it can’t get worse, but with each sentence it did and I just can’t believe that you had to go through it alone,” Lucas’ mother says grimly after a few minutes pass. He looks up at her, but she’s avoiding his eyes. The expression on her face reminds Lucas so much of how Arthur looked for the past weeks. He can’t let another person in his life blame themselves for something that isn’t their fault. He can’t.

“I didn’t want to drag anyone into this. But even when people had no idea what was going on, they still offered their support. So it’s not like I was completely alone. Especially after everything went down, they had my back,” he says, shrugging, and hopes it’ll reassure her slightly.

“But I’m your mom,” she only mumbles, her voice sad. She’s staring at her palms, but her eyes feel distant.

“You tried to reach out to me. I wasn’t ready then. I’m glad you were willing to wait.”

She glances up at him, confused.

“I’d wait for you no matter how long,” she admits. “I should have been there in the first place.”

Lucas sighs, watching her slumped form. Maybe it was a mistake, maybe she isn’t strong enough and now Lucas is going to only make her feel worse. Maybe they won’t see each other for yet another year.

“I know it may sound harsh, but I can’t have you wallowing in self-pity now. I told you all of that because I need you,” Lucas says weakly, already prepared to get figuratively slapped in the face. He was foolish for thinking they could rebuild their relationship. Perhaps they truly are strangers. “I shouldn’t have put it on you,” he adds. His father always repeated that he shouldn’t give his mother more stress than necessary and Lucas should have listened, doesn’t matter how much of a scum his father is.

“No, Lucas, no. You should have. I want you to talk to me, to trust me. It’s just not easy listening to my son going on about getting hurt this much. It’d pain any parent,” she says, sniffing and Lucas gazes at her. He notices her eyes shimmering with tears and something breaks in him. “I want to be present in your life if you let me. I want to try to be the parent you need. Even if… even if I lack, I want to–“

“You are enough,” he cuts in, reaching out for her hand and squeezing. At this point, Lucas’ own eyes are watery, but he doesn’t pay it any mind. “Thank you,” he adds and gets a sad smile in return.

“I should be the one thanking you. You gave me another chance,” she states, gripping Lucas’ hand tightly as if she was scared that letting go would mean losing him.

He was wrong for thinking they can’t fix it and assuming the worst about her. She wants to be in his life, she wants to be his mother and that’s what’s important. He’s so relieved.

Lucas wipes a few strays tears that spilled from his eyes and snorts. “You gave me another one, too,” he mutters with a sheepish smile. He sees her bafflement, looking at Lucas as if he’s grown another head. “I left you,” he explains and these three words are what makes his mom cry. It’s not sad crying, he thinks when she ends up laughing during it. It’s hopeful crying, crying at how messed up the things between them have been but in the end, they managed to find each other again. Lucas joins her soon after, feeling much lighter after everything and he doesn’t even care about the looks people are giving them.

“I love you so much,” his mom says between sobs and reaches into her bag for a pack of tissues. She gives one to Lucas and blows her nose into the second.

“I love you, too,” Lucas replies, looking at her fondly.

They will have to put a lot of effort into making their relationship work since they missed so many years, but Lucas is certain that they are willing to be together no matter what it takes and as long as they keep trying, it’ll be okay. They might be clumsy and hesitant in the process, but it’ll be worth it. He knows it will.

 ***

 Thanks to everything Lucas has been going through, he’s completely forgotten about the common room and the fact they were supposed to paint the mural. He can’t be the only one since everyone besides Daphne looks out of place when she gathers them there after classes on Friday. She insisted they make a plan so the wall isn’t bare for the next few months. Some arrangements are made that Lucas tunes out of. He will ask the guys later.

His eyes are rather preoccupied now, focused on one strand of hair that looks too tamed on Eliott’s head. It’s plastered to the side of his head instead of sticking out. Eliott couldn’t have deliberately missed it when he was styling his hair in the morning. Lucas knows because despite the coolness Eliott is going for, he wakes up earlier to do his hair. He told Lucas about it when they were high.

So what happened that now his hairstyle looks asymmetrical but not in the good, messy way? Lucas supposes that everything would be fine if only Eliott ran his fingers through his hair. But much to Lucas’ displeasure, Eliott’s hands are safely tucked in his pockets and it doesn’t seem likely that he’s going to take them out any time soon. It’s okay, Lucas could do it himself. In addition, he’d see if Eliott’s hair is any soft or the product makes it rough.

Ugh, Lucas isn’t about to go up to Eliott and fix his hair. That would be weird and make everything awkward. Especially that Daphne is giving some speech and Lucas has already been acting odd around Eliott despite his best efforts not to. He hasn’t put any distance between them, no, but he keeps staring too much, watching Eliott and taking forever to say something coherent to him. It won’t take long for Eliott to notice. That is, if he hasn’t already caught up on something.  

Lucas is awful. He’s going to lose his friend if he doesn’t get his shit together. For fuck’s sake, he isn’t some straight dude that has just found out about his friend crushing on him. He should be more understanding towards Eliott, give him normal treatment. But there he is, fixating on Eliott’s hair, his fingers itching to make the plastered strand blend with the rest.

So deep in his thoughts, Lucas doesn’t register when the meeting is finished until someone nudges him in the side, startling him. It’s Yann, looking at him meaningfully and pointing towards the exit.

Lucas opens his mouth to reply but is stopped by another voice. “Lucas, can you stay for a moment? I need your help with something,” Daphne says, her voice devoid of her earlier cheerfulness.

Lucas turns around and replies, “Sure,” before looking back at Yann and shrugging.

“Okay, see you later.”

Lucas nods at Yann and watches him leave. “So what can I help you with?” Lucas asks, glancing towards Daphne and stopping in his tracks upon noticing how serious she looks like. “Everything fine?”

She takes a deep breath and steps closer to him. She’s avoiding his eyes. There’s something unnerving about her that wasn’t there a couple of minutes ago. She seems as though she’s about to crumble.

Lucas walks up to her, placing a comforting hand on her forearm. “What’s going on?”

She lets out an ugly snort. “We’re all about friendship and having each other’s back but when it comes to it I’m a coward. Absolutely the worst,” she says, her voice cracking halfway through.

Lucas watches her in confusion. “What do you mean?”

She finally looks up, her eyes filled with fear. “The pictures. I took them,” she lets out and her voice is deafening in the quiet surrounding them.

Lucas’ hand slides down.

“What?”

[nadziejastar]

How do you think the experiments would have impacted Lea? Obviously he wasn't as traumatized as Isa, but no one gets kidnapped and used as a lab rat and comes out unscathed

Roxas: Saïx called her “broken.”

Axel: Hmm… Well, if it cheers you up, I’m probably a lot more broken than her.

Ooh, I love this question. I get to use one of my favorite Axel quotes. Yeah, I definitely agree with you. He’d still be very messed up even if he hadn’t lost his heart. He has a LOT of anger and pain underneath the surface. He lost everything in his life. I’m really disappointed that we never got to see his entire backstory. He’s such an interesting character. I wanted to see how he went form an innocent frisbee playing kid to a remorseless assassin. What did he think the Organization was after when they kidnapped him? Did he think they stole his heart as part of the experiment? I wanted to know how he felt about having his heart stolen and then being asked to build KH to try and get it back…by the people who stole it. That must have been confusing. And did he know how the apprentices lost their hearts, too?

I think that he and Saix plotted to take over the Organization for revenge as well for as their freedom. In the novel, this is what is going through Axel’s mind when he first convinces the Riku Replica to join him.

Given the right memories, the Replica could mimic the powers of the original. Which meant that if he were implanted with somebody else’s memories, he would, hypothetically, gain other powers. Somebody’s—or maybe even a Nobody’s. He had one particular Nobody in mind. All the members of the Organization were still influenced by the memories of their human lives.

This sounds like a subplot that never materialized. I wonder who the Nobody was. Braig or Xemnas? It wasn’t Zexion, because Axel says he’s as good a place to start as any. He was testing the Replica on Zexion. I’m not exactly sure what experiments were done to Axel, but I would guess they are the reason why he can control fire. And there were a lot of Emblem Heartless being manufactured in that basement.

He probably was forced to fight at the very least, as I suspect Isa was. The black cloaks are meant to prevent someone from getting swallowed by darkness. Lea and Isa were wearing them when they were recompleted. This indicates they had things done to them that risked them getting swallowed by darkness.

The Heartless appear in groups, and are multiplying rapidly. I’ve provided them both living and nonliving samples. They’ve responded only to the living. They seem to multiply after absorbing something from the living creatures. Their prey vanishes without a trace.

Not only is he traumatized because of what he personally experienced, but probably also from witnessing what happened to others as well.

Yeah, I know. Our plans. That part won’t change.

This is what Axel is thinking in the novel when talking to Saix. Even though they weren’t really getting along at that point, he said that their plans wont change. He wasn’t doing it for just for Saix. He wanted to take over the Organization as much as Saix did. He only becomes less motivated when he starts growing a heart and enters an existential crisis.

Hearing his old name, Axel glanced up at Saix watching him intently. He remembered being human. Memories surged inside him, crowding the space in his chest. For Nobodies, memory had all the weight of a heart.

I remember. I won’t forget.

I think he’s talking about both his memories of Isa, and his memories of the experiments that took everything away from him. His normal life, his heart, his best friend’s personality, his ability to experience happiness and love. He has a really dark and twisted side to his personality. Which I love. It makes total sense. I think the upside-down tear marks were something he came up with himself. Not Saix. Gang members get the tear-shaped tattoos as a permanent reminder that they’ve killed someone or they’ve had a friend killed and they want revenge. And Axel’s are upside-down. As an assassin, the message being sent is, “Ain’t no tears being shed for you, bitch”. But deep down…I think there are.

“The dirty work doesn’t bother me”, Axel went on. “You just make for the top.”

There was nothing false in that, and he looked at Saix in the eye as he said it.

Since the heart is the seat of your emotions and interpersonal relationships, I think that Axel and Saix probably got along decently during their time in the Organization. They were both single-mindedly focused on revenge. They were less like close friends and more like gang brothers. Loyal, but not close. Axel didn’t have an intimate relationship with Saix. They didn’t have fun together, or laugh. And this didn’t seem to bother Axel too much until he met Roxas.

Zexion had never trusted Axel one bit. In fact, he had never trusted anyone besides the original members of the Organization–those he had once known in the laboratory. But he found two especially untrustworthy: Saix, who had somehow wormed his way into Lord Xemnas’s confidence, and his close acquaintance Axel.

Zexion was just a kid when everything happened. I doubt he had anything to do with the experiments personally.He didn’t seem to have any clue who Axel and Saix were in the novel. Nor did he know Saix was Xehanort’d. He trusted them the least out of anyone, because he could tell how much they hated the apprentices. So if this is how much pleasure he took in eliminating Zexion, I can only wonder what he was imagining doing to Xemnas or Braig.

His title, Flurry of Dancing Flames, is a reference to a dance the god Shiva performed that almost caused the end of the universe because he was so angry after his wife killed herself.  Another weapon, Ifrit, is a death spirit drawn to the life-force or blood of a murdered victim seeking revenge on the murderer. He might not have known the whole story on Isa, but as soon as they woke up after turning into Nobodies, he obviously would have noticed that he had a giant scar on his face. I’m sure he was beyond pissed when he saw that. I wish I could see how furious he’d be if he knew the entire truth.

Sora: What are you— What ARE you people?!

Axel: Hm… Don’t know. I wonder about that myself.

I really wonder how he would have acted around Even in DDD. I think they kept him and Dilan away from Lea for a reason. He absolutely revels in Vexen’s death. To Axel, Vexen is a symbol of all that was taken away from him. In the novels, he feels kinda bad destroying Dusks because they are fellow Nobodies. Yet he never, ever shows remorse for taking out Vexen or Zexion. He detests the Organization. But at the same time, he recognizes that he isn’t naturally like this. That he’s warped. Broken. This isn’t the person he wanted to be. He’s changed into someone else because of everything he’s been through. He remembers being different. I think that’s why he never really hates Saix, either. He assumes he’s just warped, like he is.

Axel: Most kids spend summer vacation just goofing off with their friends. They save the homework till the end and then help each other finish it.

Roxas: That sounds fun, I guess.

Axel: Yeah. I hadn’t really thought about it much since becoming a Nobody. So how’d you spend the day?

Axel: Hey, I’m not about to tell you ALL my dark secrets. Got it memorized? I bet you keep a thing or two from me.

Axel admits he hadn’t thought of his normal life too much since becoming a Nobody. He’s had other things on his mind, obviously. He jokes about having dark secrets after sleeping the entire day away. I think the experiments are another reason why he says that memories are just baggage that have never done him any good.

He won’t allow anyone to get too close to him. He never really confides in anyone. Ever. Not even Roxas. He keeps an emotional distance with everyone at all times. Even when Axel says dark things, like he’ll never get to experience love, Roxas doesn’t pick up on anything wrong or ask him about it. He is too naive to tell that he’s got lots of baggage. Not his fault, but it is what it is. Not that Axel would want to talk about it anyways, but still… he always puts on a smile to hide his pain. Always. Even his closest friends had no idea how much he was suffering. And he wouldn’t have it any other way.

Even after he begins to grow a heart, he still kidnaps Kairi. He even does the iconic hand reach of darkness. He feels bad about this later, but he’s so lonely and miserable at that point, he doesn’t care about morality. Morals didn’t exist in the Organization. You didn’t survive that way. In the novel, Axel and Kairi have this exchange which I absolutely loved.

Kairi looked up at him. “Aren’t you…a bad guy?”

“I’m not,” Axel replied, completely serious. “But not really a good guy, either.”

“This doggy likes you, though,” she pointed out.

Axel dropped his gaze, and indeed, Pluto was right there with his tail whipping back and forth.

“Just because dogs like someone doesn’t mean they’re a good person, y’know. Got it memorized?”

I swear, Pluto LOVES Axel in the novels. I almost think they must have met before or something. I also love it because Axel’s main weapon, Eternal Flames, is actually shaped like the symbol for Aleister Crowley’s Chaos magic.

Chaos is neither good nor evil, but both and neither at once. It cannot be controlled; not even by itself. It promotes freedom of choice, thought, and action above all else, even if this leads the world into a primal state of vice and survival of the fittest. Chaos refuses any limitations placed on it. I love how his weapons are so different from Saix’s. Ironically Saix’s are named after benevolent female goddesses and such. Axel’s are the ones who are much darker. You’ve got the lance of Mars, the Roman god of war.

Then there’s the Fuma Shuriken with the Recusant’s Sigil right in the middle. This is the Mystery Gear weapon that’s supposed to represent his true personality. A recusant is someone who refuses to submit to authority. If anyone is a recusant, it is Axel. He’d wear that “X” proudly. Fuma Shuriken was a weapon said to be wielded by the leader of the Fuma clan. The Fuma Clan were a group of outlaw ninjas, especially skilled at night raids and other sorts of sneaky surprise attacks. They were extremely strong, extremely deadly, and had a reputation for pretty much having no morals whatsoever. They would slash enemies in the back, set entire villages on fire, and resort to all sorts of violent and non-violent trickery. They were also said to be experts at the use of fire and smoke – including the smoke-shield practice. In a folk legend, the leader is often depicted as an inhuman figure: a supposedly part-oni, monstrous giant with inverted eyes.

I loved how awkward his conversation with Ienzo was in DDD when he is looking for Isa. It’s even funnier when you hear that scene in Japanese because he sounded so impatient, like, “yeah yeah, shut up already with your long explanations, no one cares. Where’s Isa so I can leave this shithole already?” I’m so mad we didn’t get to see him confront the apprentices. I wanted to see him get mad. Something similar to when Roxas smashed up all of the computers. THAT level of rage. He needed to heal from his past, too. And the first step would be to face it head on and be angry.

I don’t think Axel truly got to heal from his pain in the story, either. He and Isa needed to heal each other. Axel immediately went to being perfectly okay after DDD. But I definitely don’t think he would be. He still needed closure. He needed to get angry at Saix to truly grieve the loss of Isa. And he needed to get angry at Xion when she tried to destroy herself. For himself. To acknowledge his own pain that he always minimizes or tries to hide. It felt like the writers forgot all about Axel’s pain and darkness in KH3.

Goofy: Gawrsh, Lea sure hurried back to Radiant Garden

At the end of DDD, after he saw that Isa had become a vessel, Goofy says Lea hurried back to Radiant Garden. I was so sure that he was going to confront the apprentices and finally learn what happened with Isa. He saw how vessels are made after rescuing Sora. He knew they were made by breaking the person’s soul and having Xehanort’s heart forcibly put into them. He knew Saix had yellow eyes and pointy ears. God, it blew my mind that he never seemed to suspect that Isa might have had the same thing done to him. Never in a million years was I expecting to learn in KH3 that Lea and Isa were “apprentices” all along, and Isa just chose to stay with them because he wanted to get stronger. Um, yeah right.

The longer you know someone, the less you need to speak in clear terms. Everything gets across with a wink and a nudge, a little reading between the lines…When it comes to what befell our late comrades at Castle Oblivion, ambiguity suits me just fine. But the Keyblade master and Roxas come out and say every little thing that comes to mind. Maybe that’s human, or maybe they’re just special.

But in addition to anger, I think he forgot what it felt like to have positive feelings at all. That’s why Roxas was so important to him. He made him remember what being whole felt like. And he also looked like Ventus, so he brought back all sorts of memories from when he was young. There was a time, long ago, when he was just like Roxas.

Talking to Roxas and Xion always brings back memories of my human life, back when I was a kid. It’s a weird sensation. I ought to be able to share all this with Saïx, but I just don’t feel like it anymore. It’s strange, but I’m content with just missing what’s gone. I’m not the one who changed. You did.

From this you can tell that he didn’t always mind talking to Saix. But after spending time with Roxas and Xion, he starts to grow a heart, and then he remembers how genuine friendship felt. He’s sick of living like this. Like a criminal. He wants to eat ice cream and laugh about stupid stuff…And he starts missing Isa. And he can’t stand to be around Saix anymore, since hes nothing like Isa. The chasm between past and present is just too great. 

What were you really after, Lea? We joined the Organization at the same time, and formulated our plan. At this point, it’s just an idle fantasy. Everything changed. You, and me.

Saix says that Axel has changed. He used to be a lot more cold and brutal. Saix says he’s changed as well. I think it’s because he has Isa’s memories, so he can remember what Isa was like. And even he knows that he isn’t like Isa. I thought that was interesting. That he had that level of self-awareness. It must have been confusing to him, too. How different he used to be.

Roxas doesn’t trust me after the whole Xion incident, but I can’t tell him the truth yet. So I keep lying. It’s no big deal when you’re a Nobody. There’s no guilt, no feeling at all. So why does it still sting, just a little, when I lie to him? All my dealings with Roxas give me this bizarre illusion of humanity.

Axel isn’t used to feeling guilt when he lies. He forgot what that felt like, so it surprises him when he feels it. But he can’t imagine it’s anything more than an illusion…

“You know, I’ve been thinking about something Naminé said. Roxas, are you really sure that you don’t have a heart? Is it possible that we ALL have one? You, me, her… Or is that just wishful thinking?”

…Just wishful thinking. It’s too scary to hope for anything more.

Riku Replica was just a tool, but I can’t just use Xion. No, I was wrong to have just used Riku Replica in the first place. How is a man-made puppet any less worthy than a Nobody that was never meant to exist at all? They’re both ambiguous. Tenuous at best.

Even when he does start to feel emotion again, he is confronted with overwhelming despair. He doesn’t even view himself as human. When he’s revived in DDD, he says hes “human again”. As a Nobody he sees himself as sub-human. On the same level as a Replica. When he disappears, he tells Roxas they’ll meet again in the next life. But he really didn’t believe he had one. I don’t think this outlook is just the result of losing his heart. I think it all started with losing his faith in humanity after the experiments were done to him. He sees Roxas as pure and innocent; something he no longer is. To Axel, Roxas is more worthy of humanity than he is. Honestly, he gets even more cynical after he starts to grow a heart again. That’s when he can feel the brunt of his trauma with full force, unlike before.

He had never apologized to anyone before. Or thanked anyone, either. Without a heart, there was never any need. If he had no heart, did it mean anything to say he was lonely, or sorry, or grateful? The words couldn’t be heartfelt, when there was no heart to feel them. But even that word, painful—what could it possibly mean for someone with no heart?

This whole passage from the novel shows how he views himself. He’s ashamed of himself. He knows it’s abnormal to lack emotion. Humans aren’t supposed to be like that. He’s broken. He invalidates his own feelings because he thinks he’s not worthy of having them in his condition.

Axel stretched his neck and munched on his ice cream.

“You know, I don’t mind disappearing.”

Namine’s breath caught.

Riku stared at him.

“Roxas is gone. When we bring Kairi here, Namine will be gone, too. Same for me,” he said, as if he were discussing the weather, and then punctuated his comment with another bite of sea-salt ice cream.

“We don’t disappear…We’re only reborn,” Namine murmured, perhaps to herself.

“I‘m not like you and Roxas,” Axel said flatly, his hand holding his ice pop stick in midair.

“But—But you…” She looked down, clenching her fists.

“It’s because I don’t have a heart,” Axel went on. “I don’t want to disappear, but I’m not upset or sad about it.”

Namine tried to say something and failed.

Nobodies aren’t supposed to exist. Nobodies don’t have hearts, so they can’t feel anything.

I really love how much extra characterization the novels give. Despite all evidence to the contrary, he says he can’t feel anything. Or ironically, maybe he just wishes he didn’t. Maybe he forgot that having a heart can make you feel more profound pain, just as it can make you feel fulfilled. And he mistakes that emptiness for heartlessness.

Then someone else spoke behind him. ”I’ve been waiting for you Axel.”

“Yeah, I figured you’d show up.” His smirk turned nastier as he turned to see Saix. He didn’t take his eyes off the other man as he spoke to the girl in the cage. “Listen, Kairi! Trust me. I’m going to get you out!”

Behind him the portal closed.

“What are you saying…? Vile traitor! The great Claymore took shape at Saix’s back. Axel didn’t waste a second grabbing his chakrams. But his body was reluctant somehow.

I don’t want to disappear…But still, it wouldn’t be so bad if I did. Not here.

What does he even have left? Roxas forgot about him and disappeared. Isa forgot about him a long time ago (he thinks). And now he’s trying to kill him. If he wants to live, he might have to try and kill Isa now. He said he wanted to find hope—the hope that Sora and Riku have. But now? He thinks it wouldn’t be so bad to disappear. He puts on a “nasty smirk” when Saix comes. Just like when he disappeared with Sora, he still put on a smile to hide his pain. Like, wow. That is SO sad. It’s why I the LOVE the fact that his Keyblade is Phoenix-themed. The glorious rebirth from the ashes of death. Both for him and Isa. Yeah, I think the experiments had a devastating effect on Lea that the story didn’t provide any closure to at all. 

[horansqueen]

BabyGirl 3.0

NOTES:

♥ this is based on a concept i received a few weeks ago and ppl asked that i made a story with it. ♥ i planned 3-4 long parts but i think it’ll be 8-10 short parts ♥ 3.2k. fluff. ♥ there may be smut but i doubt it and IF it happens it wont be as explicit as my other smut works. ♥ i didn’t proofread and if you read my stuff you know i never do because im a lazy ass. ♥ thank you so so much for all the notes and feedback for the previous chapters! I LOVE YOU GUYS!!!! i hope you enjoy this chapter! ♥ if you have any questions please dont hesitate. ♥ read part 1 HERE and part 2 HERE

                                  3.0  ♥ APOLOGY & CULPABILITY ♥

HIM

I was pissed. Pissed at myself for not even noticing that Louis was bringing me into a trap. I like to think i'm good to guess people and their character, but through the years, I realized I was not as competent as I thought. Still, being played and betrayed by my very best friend was humiliating and incredily hurtful. I glanced at him and noticed guilt written all over his face, but it wasn't enough to take the feeling of betrayal running inside me.

"Wow, hey, it's been a while."

She glanced at Louis too and I breathed in before nodding.

"Yea, 4 years," I just pointed out, slipping my hands in my pockets, trying to find a way to escape this incredibly awkward and almost intolerable situation.

Could I pretend to get a call? Or a text message? Then run outside and call a cab? Was there any way for me to just run to the airport and fly as far away from here as I could? Even on the other side or the world I knew I couldn't feel better. It was too late. I had seen her again and I couldn't take my eyes off of hers.

She got older. I could see her hair were dyed but it was still pretty much the same shade of brown it always was, and I wondered why she'd do such a thing for so little change. Her dress was plain but pretty and she gained a little weight. For some reason, she seemed to glow in a way I couldn't explain.

"5." she corrected me. "It's been 5 years."

I was surprised when her eyes left mine to glance behind me but I kept looking at her. Perhaps, she still had that effect on me, but i didn't have the same effect on her. We used to be a bit obsessed with each other, and we could stare at each other for longer than most people would find acceptable.

My heart felt heavy, like stuck in a vice and someone was twisting it slowly, as if to make the pain less bearable and my death longer to come. I wanted to run away, yet my legs wouldn't move, i was stuck here indefinitely, forced to look into the eyes of the only girl i loved without being able to touch her.

"That long..." I nodded, as if I didn't know the exact date of the last time i saw her.

She nodded too and sent me a shy smile as I twisted the fabric of the inside of my pockets hard enough to feel my muscles tense.

"Louis... didn't tell me..."

She nodded quicker this time and glanced behind me again, where I only guessed Louis had gone, leaving both of us in a situation we didn't want to be in.

"Yea, no, he didn't tell me either." she chuckled, clearly uncomfortable. "Surprise, I guess."

We remained silent for a while and I started swaying gently on my toes. She finally closed her eyes and sighed, running her fingers in her long hair and somehow, it made my heart twitch.

"Look, Niall, I know it's late for this, but i'm so sorry."

I frowned but she kept talking.

"That fight was all on me, it was ridiculous, I shouldn't have insisted." she explained. "I'm so sorry for how things ended, Niall, I-I didn't want this."

Her apology hurt my heart and without thinking, I moved closer and grabbed her arms. The contact of my skin against hers was life changing, like electricity ran all over my body... like I was high on a drug I had never tried before. I knew she felt it too and she held her breath. My face was so close to hers I had to swallow and my lips parted but it took me a few seconds to talk.

"No, you really don't have to apologize, it was my fault, not yours." I whispered. "All mine."

From up close, I could smell her. She still used the same perfume as she always did, and it made memories invade my head. I remember the first time we met and how cold it was outside... and how bad I had wanted to kiss her. It made me realized I wanted it just as bad now, maybe more.

It felt wrong to be in her personal space and let go of her, feelings my palms burn again even if I wasn't touching her anymore. I took a step back and cleared my throat, forcing myself to look down.

"I'm surprised you're wearing a dress." I finally pointed out, trying to change the mood. "You look great, really."

She sent me an other smile, one that seemed slightly more sincere this time.

"Thank you, but you know me. If I could, i'd be here in my sweatpants." she pointed out, making me smile more. "The dress wasn't my idea."

I raised my eyebrows in surprise, relieved that we seemed to have a light conversation after being a bit emotional.

"Who's idea was it, then?"

She didn't have time to answer, I saw a tiny little girl run between us and wrap her arms around her thighs. I heard her laugh and looked up at her, but she was only looking at the kid.

"Mommy! Look!"

With an enthusiast face, the kid moved one of her arms up to show a doll who was already missing a shoe. I had a hard time to mend the pieces of what exactly was happening here but I watched her crouch down to discuss with the little girl. They hugged and she ran back to where she came from as my heart started beating harder in my chest. She had a kid and she was probably taken. I always suspected she had found someone else very quickly after we were over, but knowing it for sure hurt more than I thought it would. It was ridiculous, it's not like what we once had could ever come back. There was so much pain still left, so many things untold and unknown... this small encounter would only make things worse and I was scared that after today, even If i never saw her again, I would be even more scarred than I already was.

"That's your daughter?"

She nodded and her lips curled into a fond smile I had never seen on her. I held my breath a few seconds, trying to calm the thumps of my heart against my chest without much success. I've always enjoyed seeing her happy and it made me realize how bad I missed her laugh. Not a chuckle, or a giggle. A real laugh, the kind that echos on the wall and always seemed to reach my heart.

"So, you're married." I just pointed out, clearing my throat." How old is she?"

She raised her nose up in a grimace and chuckled, shaking her head from left to right. The sight made me smile despite myself and I stuck my hands in my pockets again, trying to restrain the need I suddenly had to be closer to her once more.

"No, I'm a single mom." she explained before her smile fell. "She's... she's four years and a half."

I couldn't explain how good it felt to hear she wasn't married, and I sort of felt bad for liking it. That's why it took me a while for the other fact to actually sink in. My lips fell and my eyes got bigger. Something stirred inside me, making me suddenly nauseous and I had to swallow the lump in my throat.

"She's four years and a half..." I repeated.

Even though it was clearly not a question, I watched her as she nodded slowly, suddenly extremely serious.

"She's gonna turn five in a few months."

I pressed my hand on my mouth and held my breath, bending down slowly as i felt myself tear up. This couldn't be real. This was not happening. I had a daughter and I wasn't even aware of it, and all that seemed to flash in my mind was the fact that I didn't see her when she was born or when she walked for the first time. I wasn't there when she said her first word, and that for her, I was a total stranger. Did she even know she has a dad? A dad that would have loved her and cared for her if only he had known she existed?

"You..."

I couldn't talk, I was incredibly hurt and so many thoughts were running in my mind that I wasn't sure I could handle any at the moment.

"I am so so sorry, Niall."

I didn't want to hear her apologies, and I didn't want to hear her excuses. I just wanted to lock myself somewhere to get my thoughts and mind back into place. My vision became blurry after a few seconds and that's exactly when my daughter came back. Just thinking about those two simple words made my heart threaten to jump out of my chest.

"Mommy! Freddie broke my doll!"

It hit me so hard that it felt like someone was twisting a knife in my already open wound.

"Louis knew..."

Her head raised up at my words and her eyes opened wide as she was trying to fix the doll in her hands. Her expression betrayed her and I felt like someone had stabbed me in the stomach for a second time in the past 6 minutes.

Everything seemed to make sense suddenly. The reason why Louis would never talk about her or bring her up was obvious now. He couldn't or he would always risk to let out her secret. Lying to me was also not something he enjoyed and I guess he thought omitting something was not as bad as lying. But it was.

I closed my eyes and breathed in, trying to stop or at least calm the anger and hurt boiling inside me, but I couldn't help the feeling of loneliness flooding my body and mind. I felt sick and alone, and somehow, it felt like my ex girlfriend and my best friend had conspired in my back for the past five years.

Nothing could ever change that. Nothing could make that right. Nothing except maybe the love I already felt for a daughter I didn't even know.

HER

I knew that someday, i'd have to explain to my daughter what happened with her father, but i never thought it would happen so soon. I was slightly mad at Louis for literally pushing me into this meeting and forcing me to come face to face with Niall, but also with my own lies. I didn't understand why he did it. He could have done it years ago, why now?

I tried to push Louis out of my thoughts to focus on Niall, clearly as uncomfortable as I was, standing in front of me. I didn't remember the last time I felt so nervous and speechless, but having him so close after so long brought back memories and feelings I had tried to bury and ignore for years, and I wasn't sure I actually liked it.

He looked good, even better than in my memories, and even if I had tried to avoid him, his career and his music in the last years, looking at him after all this time still felt like home. Maybe the fact that I had a little child constantly reminding me of him helped keep the flame alive but it didn't matter. Niall was here and close, and the love I knew I had for him, even if i wouldn't admit before that it wasn't dead, was now burning my whole body and heart, threatening to leave only ashes. I'd be ready to give him my heart again even if the outcome would probably be as worse as the first time.

I felt the need to apologize for my behavior, but whenever I pronounced his name, my heart jumped in my chest. I felt like I hadn't heard it or said it outloud in so long it almost hurt to do it, but at the same time, it came so naturally and left a sweet after taste on my tongue.

A bunch of memories of when I would whimper his name rushed to my brain and made my heart jump. I could swear my cheeks turned a soft shade of red and I could try to blame it on the wine, but the thoughts made my whole body throb and my inside twist.

I always thought I had made the right choice to leave and let him live his life the way he deserved to. However, when he bent over slightly and seemed on the verge of tears, I felt incredibly guilty and bad for hiding it for so long. I could see the dimmed lights of the room make his eyes glisten and It really made me want to take him in my arms. I knew it wouldn't be a good idea so I just gave her doll back to my daughter and remained motionless, waiting for Niall to have an other reaction. Any would be good. He could even yell at me for what I had done, I wouldn't blame him. Instead. He shook his head and turned around to watch my daughter run back to the tree and he stared at her as she started playing with Freddie again.

"Louis has always known." he whispered, making me swallow an other lump of guilt with difficulty, before turning back to me. "He knew and he never told me."

"I made him promise not to tell you." I explained in a low tone, scared that my voice would crack. "I forced him. It's my fault."

It hit me that at some point, I was an important person in his life, and Louis was too. Niall had just realized that two of the persons he cared the most about had betrayed him, keeping a big and heavy secret from him, and I could understand it was hard to accept. I didn't even dare to hope he would ever forgive me.

I moved closer, placing my hand softly on his arm but he moved away and shook his head, rubbing his hand on his face for a while. He let out a few curse words and turned around, gripping his own hair and pulling on it. I shouldn't, but I felt endeared by the way he reacted, or perhaps it was simply from seeing some of his habits I was so used to see, yet had missed more than I thought.

"What's her name?" he finally asked after a few minutes, turning to me and diving his gaze into mine for a few seconds.

He looked sad and hurt and I did everything I could not to cry in front of him. For some reason, I felt like I didn't have the right to. He looked down and I swallowed again.

"Chelsea."

His head moved up roughly and he frowned. I knew he had a question burning his lips but he didn't ask. He just stared at me some more and breathed in, biting the inside of his cheek. I had never wished I could read his mind more than I did at that exact moment.

"Does she know about me?"

"She knows of you, but she doesn't know who you are."

Once again, he turned around on his heels slowly and moved back to face me, his hand holding the back of his neck. He stared at me and I couldn't hold all the tears anymore. I blinked and let a few fall down my cheeks without daring to wipe them off.

"When did you plan to tell me about her? When she'd insist more? When she'd be 18? Never?"

I didn't want to answer, and he guessed the truth because of my silence.

"Alright, never then." he said shaking his head.

I could feel he was getting angrier by the minute, but all I could focus on was the pain I heard in his voice every time his mouth would open. I would give anything to reassure him, but I knew that no matter what I did or said, it wouldn't make things better.

"I'm sorry, Niall." I whispered, making his face twist.

"Stop saying that." he almost begged before sighing extremely loud and leaving.

I watched him until he passed the door to go back to the cold weather without his coat and I shivered. I stared at the door for a few seconds until I felt a warm hand on my shoulder. I didn't have to look, I knew it was Louis, and at this point, I was way past being mad at him for setting this up. Plus, I knew he'd have it tough with Niall, he didn't need me to make things even worse.

"Why did you do that, Lou?"

My voice was weak and I felt numb as his hand slipped on my arm gently. I swallowed and closed my eyes again. I couldn't explain to Niall why I kept him away. Back then, it seemed so obvious and legitimate but now, the aspects and reality I didn't want to see five years ago were right in front of me, and didn't seem to make any sense anymore.

"Because both of you were miserable. Because I felt like he deserved to know Chelsea. Because I felt like an impostor and a bad person for knowing his daughter and spending time with her when he didn't even know she existed." he explained low and slowly. "Because deep down, I'm sure you wanted him to know."

I remained silent and avoided his eyes again. All I could do was stare at the door in hope to see Niall walk back inside. Did I want Niall to know?

"It was not my place, or my choice to make, and I'm sorry." he added. "It was none of my business and I normally don't do that. I was wrong. But I can't say I regret it."

He was right, I knew he was, but admitting that was admitting I had failed. It was admitting that I was wrong and that I deprived Niall from so many memories and time with his daughter. I brought my hand to my mouth and did my best not to start sobbing.

"I'm not mad at you, Louis." I whispered, scared that i would start crying again if i talked louder. "I just hope he can forgive me one day."

"I hope he can forgive me too."

We remained silent for a while and Louis left for about a minute, bringing me back a full glass of wine that I swallowed a bit too quickly. It felt like we waited forever but I think my heart stopped completely when the door opened again. I held my breath, feeling my heart jump once against at Niall sight, and waited until he was back in front of me, He waited until Louis had left, without even sending him a glance.

His face was impassive and I licked my lips, suddenly nervous. His simple presence made my heartbeats accelerate and if you mixed that with the guilt I felt, it was even worse. I felt like I was going to hyperventilate or pass out.

"I want to see her. I want to spend time with her. I want her to know who I am." he just let out. "And you don't have the right to refuse. Not after what you did to me."

I waited a few seconds after he was done talking and nodded gently, still staring at him.

"Of course you can see her and tell her who you are, Niall." I expressed, feeling on the verge of tears again. "I'm never gonna stop you from seeing her. You're her father, and you'll always be."

[catsdaydreams]

Love Lies, The Heir Part 4

Previous Chapters

Liam has seen the picture of cadence. Well Shit..

A quick note about the depression that makes my posting so sporadic. I’m not like sad, or miserable or anything. I literally just have zero energy and a great life. Its a weird combination. But please, don’t feel bad for me lol, I’m okay. I just either sleep or work or hang out with my kids. I write when I can though, and since @ladynonsense said she’d forgive me if I wrote new chapters, here is the next one.

Tag List: @marcela13mars @jayjay897 @drivenbyfantasy @umccall71 @mfackenthal @topsyturvy-dream @drakelover78 @boneandfur @drakewalkerwhipped @zilch3 @indiacater @marywrites-things @cordonianredruby @lodberg @nekkidmolerat @mrsdrakewalkerblog @museofbooks @zeniamiii @queencatherynerhys @bobasheebabyficlibrary @mynameiskaylabella @liam-rhys-x-mc-x-constantine @darley1101

(I didn’t realize how big this tag list got last chapter lol. You guys super rock)

“I apologize for pushing past you. I just saw this photo and, Kendra this looks exactly like me. Is this what you were trying to tell me back at the UN party?” He stated, shocked and alarmed.

“Shit” was all I managed to mumble out.

Time seemed to freeze as we stared at each other, the photo in his hand and the NDA in mine. His question hung in the air, seeming to gain weight by the second. The pit of unease that had formed in my stomach when I realized who Liam was turned and coiled in the space between us. Minutes ticked by that felt like hours while Liam waited for an answer. “Well?” He finally breathed, breaking the silence finally. My brain stuttered, as I fumbled for words. A sentence of any kind would work right now, but I just couldn’t seem to remember how to speak.

Liam ran his free hand through his hair, taking another look at the photo in his hand. I looked at the smiling trio depicted in the photo, memories flashing through my mind.

“I wonder if he would have been a good dad.” I mused, watching my son playing in the small tot play area in the food court. We had spent the better part of the day exploring the Epcot park, and enjoying the different shows and rides. Cadence was a stroller ride away from a deep nap, and my dad and I were almost in a food coma. “Liam?” My dad questioned, we didn’t usually talk about Liam, or the fact that he was no longer in the picture. Once we realized we couldn’t find him, we just decided to leave it at that; but seeing the other kids run over to their parents and back to the lot was a reminder that I was doing this alone. 

“Yeah.” I said softly, imagining the muscular blonde playing with the toddler version of him. “Well, you spent more time with him than I ever did.” My dad scoffed. I rolled my eyes at his demeanor. I understood his point, he was a blunt man and never did see the point in wasting time and energy on moot points. From his point of view, Liam was gone and without a way to reach him he became irrelevant to the equation. He wasn’t wrong, but I often wondered how long it would take Cadence to begin wondering where and who his father was. “What am I supposed to tell him when he starts asking about him?”

My dad thought carefully before forming his response, “Perhaps telling him the truth?” I tried not to scoff at his response, “Sure dad, because telling my kid that he was conceived out of a week long sexual exploration wont traumatize him for life.” I said sarcastically. “Jesus, Kendra. I didn’t mean go into details. With him or me.” He mumbled. “I just mean, tell him that his daddy is out there somewhere, we just cant find him.” 

“You don’t think that will give him some kind of lost boy complex? I don’t want him to always be searching the crowd for the dad that wont ever turn up.” I said. I remembered my own experiences constantly waiting for my mom to reappear one day, like she never left. I remembered praying everyday that my mom would come home and we could have a normal family like everyone else, not understanding how far from normal the three of us were. “It won’t be like your mom, Kendra.” My dad said, almost reading the silence coming from me. I swallowed, my dad always had the uncanny ability to know what I was thinking I tried to push the painful memories back down. “I have no idea if he would have been a good dad or not. I just know that you are the best mother that you can be for your son, and I think that matters more that what he could or wouldn’t have been.” My dad said finally. I smiled at him, “Thanks for always supporting me dad. Even coming here, although Disney world isn't exactly your scene.” 

Cadence came running up, handing me his ears with a string of gibberish before turning around and returning to the play area with the other kids. My dad smiled back, following the toddler with his eyes, “While I agree, overpriced food and large crowds were never at the top of my list; nothing compares to seeing my grandson and my daughter happy.” I smiled at the ears in my hand, Cadences name printed across the front. “C’mon buddy!” I called to Cadence, waving him over. “Lets take a picture.”

“We searched for you for months when I found out I was pregnant.” I finally said, my tongue starting to untwist. My heart slammed into my throat when I finally met Liam’s eyes. The pain in his eyes as they seemed to see straight into my soul was enough to bring my own emotion boiling to the surface. My feet moved on their own towards him, but I froze as he took a step back horrified. “Kendra, you were signing that NDA.” He said as realization coursed through his mind. “You knew that once that was signed I couldn’t contact you. I would never have known about this kid.” 

His words were laced with pain, yet his accusation cut straight through me. “What if I had just walked out of here? Not seen this photo and gone to brunch? Got on my plane tonight and never looked back? Would you have ever found me? Told me about my son? Would you have told him? Kendra why didn’t you tell me at the ball?” He said, his voice cracking. My heart shattered into a million pieces, of all the outcomes I expected from him, hurt wasn’t on that list. I expected him to be angry, maybe try to take him. However the pain was an unexpected response, and I realized just how flawed my thought process was.

“Liam you have to understand, that’s my baby. You are an actual king, I have no doubts that I couldn’t stand up to you in court. I can’t lose Cadence, he is my reason to exist.” I stammered out, trying to push the heat behind my eyes back. Liam took a few more steps away from me, “Do you really think I would do that to you? Or that I would rip a child away from is mother and the only life he knows? I thought you knew me better than that.” He said, his eyes showing the depth of emotion behind his statement. I let the tears fall, I should have known better. He was right, my Liam wouldn’t do that. However, “Liam I knew you for a week, years ago. I didn’t even know that the man I gave my virginity too was an actual king.” I blurted.

Liam recoiled for a minute, processing what I told him. I watched as he slowly reassembled his mask in place. My statement pierced the air between us, it was a low blow and I knew it as soon as the words left my mouth. It wasn’t fair of me to throw the king thing in his face, and it wasn’t solving anything. Both of us rode our emotional waves silently, as the silence thickened. Finally Liam swallowed the rest of the tears threatening to spill from behind his eyes and nodded. “You’re right.” He said. I stalled. “What?” I asked, caught off guard by his sudden submission. “You’re right.” He said calmly. If he was feeling any of the emotion he was a few minutes ago, he was no longer showing it.

“I understand.” He stated simply. My mind reeled, he understood? What did that even mean. I studied his face, my own guards clicking into place. “What do you mean I’m right?” I said cautiously, eyeing the man before me. How could I trust someone who could show such intense emotion one minute, then be completely fine the next? Did he pretend he was upset? Or was he just really good at hiding his emotions? Which Liam was the real Liam? Was it my passionate golden haired boy, smiling at me like there wasn’t anyone or anything else in the world?The one who felt deeply, and was earnest and innocent? Or the cool composed man that just discovered he was a father sitting in front of me locking away every inch of emotion he had showed moments earlier.

Liam outstretched his hand to me. “Hi, I am King Liam Rys. I would very much like to get to know you and our son.” He said, his voice cracking lightly over the word son. I eyed his outstretched hand precariously. “Liam are you serious.” I said incredulously, fresh tears rolling down. Liam’s mask went down momentarily, and I saw the hurt resurface in his eyes before he pushed it back down. “Kendra please. You can’t expect me to just get on a plane back to Cordonia and pretend this didn’t happen. But you’re right. This is my fault, I didn’t tell you a pretty large part of my identity. That can make you doubt every fact you’ve ever known about me. For that I am truly sorry, but Kendra I can’t just not be part of my sons life. Please don’t take that away from me.” He pleaded. I already knew the moment he saw the picture on the mantle that I couldn’t go back now. 

“I suppose you’re right. I think we both need some time to process, and then we can schedule a time for you two to meet.” I said, my heart soaring at the hope in his eyes. I know that having this secret off my chest should make my heart feel lighter, but a foreboding sense tugged at every nerve in my body. Perhaps if I listened to that nagging sense I could have avoided what was to come in the future.

[newyorkroleplay-archive]

MILO HENDRIX –

Birthdate: November 4th, 1988 ( 29 ) Gender and Pronouns: Male, he/him Hometown: Manhattan, New York Neighborhood: Greenwich Village, Manhattan Occupation: Model Faceclaim: Ryan Guzman Trigger Warnings: Car Crash, Eating Disorder.

BIOGRAPHY –

The Hendrix family welcomed their youngest son into the world on a cold day in November. From the moment he was born, Milo was a big personality. He always cried the loudest out of him and his siblings and always latched onto his mother for as long as possible. He loved his parents, that much was obvious from how much he spent time with his mother as a child. The relationship was closest to the woman of the house, but he never particularly hated his father. Milo just never grew that close to the man altogether. Maybe it had to do with him hiding who he was from people for a good chunk of his life. From a young age, he knew he wasn’t like the other boys in his class. He never had a crush on the little girls that were in his middle school, but he always did on the boys. And, for that, he never felt like he could get close to his father. His mother was there for him though when he told her his secret, but the secret didn’t stay one for long as he lost his mother when he was only ten years old. She had been driving his sister to a recital and the car crash that occurred had taken her life. He hated losing the woman, but it felt like that was the opening he needed to tell his father. To Milo’s surprise, his father didn’t react as badly as he had thought. It was barely a factor to be honest. Milo was still Milo and that would never change.

When he was old enough to actually do what he wanted to, he was off doing anything and everything. Traveling was something he loved to do as much as possible and, with his personality, the one job he knew he could do without a shadow of a doubt was modeling. Growing up with surplus of money he had, Milo had never had to worry for anything and he always got what he wanted when it came down to it. His father made sure that his children were well taken care of no matter what happened. Milo was sure that he would always appreciate his father for always being around when him and his siblings needed it. However, he did need to spread his wings. The traveling that came with modeling sure as hell helped with that. Going to exotic places and making a name for himself was all the young man cared about. Hell, as soon as he started modeling full time, his Instagram profile went through the roof. It was the one thing he cared about other than his modeling career. Social media was basically his life fuel. As much as he cared about his siblings, if they weren’t good for his image, he wasn’t taking a picture with them. And Milo made it known that he still loved them even if they weren’t actively a part of his social media life as much as he would’ve liked them to be.

Tatum Hendrix getting married to another woman after their mother never sat well with Milo. It was one of the many things his sister and him agreed on. To be honest, he felt kind of bad for Abel given how he had to be the reasonable sibling between the three of them. Going to the wedding wasn’t exactly for his the marriage. It was for his father and also for the photo op. The great amount of pictures he could get and the shit he could talk to Kian almost made the whole thing worth it. However, he just couldn’t stop himself from scoffing the entire time. As much as he loved his father, someone potentially replacing his mother was never something he wanted to think about. So much so that he left the wedding early to go to something he thought would be more entertaining. A photoshoot. Which first started the problem that he gained from modeling. It was the first time one of his employers had said he looked like he was gaining weight. The guy hadn’t meant it any sort of way, Milo was sure of that. Or that was what he made himself believe,

Ever since then, Milo has had a problem with eating a ton of food only to force it right back up in the bathroom soon after. To him, he didn’t have a problem. To anyone else, it would just seem like he worked out a lot. He had always been someone who was into fitness so it wasn’t a hard excuse for him to give. After all, he was a model. It was easy for him to manipulate people into thinking what he wanted them to think with just a smile. Sometimes, he wishes he could tell his siblings or his father, but it just seems pointless to him. In Milo’s opinion, he thinks he’s fine. Gaining weight and then getting rid of it was normal to him. People just went about it in different ways. It isn’t the right thing though. He knows that because he wont tell anyone. But, to be honest, he’s scared to face something like that with someone else. Milo just prefers facing the world head-on on his own. Even if it hurts him in the end.

PERSONALITY –

( + ) cultured, loyal, spontaneous. ( - ) cynical, extravagant, vain.

[pokefanbri]

https://www.facebook.com/104057744428568/posts/156998459134496/?sfnsn=mo&d=n&vh=e

Fucking told him its a huge red flag if someone doesn't get rid of their apps. Multiple apps. Smh 😠 "oh yea i don't use them anymore" proceeds to use fb dating app" for real come on bro!

Some comments of the post:

"If you have to be checking up on your Partner then you shouldn't be with that person.. Idk how people have time for all this .. love yourself and know your worth.."

"If you're in a serious committed exclusive relationship you should not be on tinder. That's how I met my fiance and as soon as we said we are gf and bf and exclusive we both deleted it. Honestly if I was her I would have broken up with him too"

"a person also has a right to trust their gut feeling and check things out if something's not feeling right. Knowledge is power"

I've already discussed this but this news clip further validates my point of the topic, nothing more. I could call him out on hs bs further with detail, but I won't....yet, out of respect even though he probably doesn't deserve it. Til he reaches me & apologizes for everything he's done, i can say whatever tf I want & i could make a whole damn list.

Its the events of this what happened that started our downfall to begin with cuz i didn't trust him & he didn't even try to gain it back just left it as is when I could've turned my back right then & there, no apology either. Didnt apologize much actually, not even when i last saw him. But from then we spiraled & he got bored of me. I wasn't giving him what he wanted in whatever way & he wanted to find more. Closed himself off from the beginning & that created his boredom 😒

Would've had a blast together like a normal fucking couple if he was less closed off, & wouldn't have felt the need to do shit behind my back.

I'll stop talking about it for now, I have the anger & urge to keep going but I wont...actually no Screw it im pissed 😡 but ill keep it light. Its just not fair, I did so much for him but I was disrespected in different aspects of the whole relationship. Fuck! I've talked about the positives alot cuz i do love him..but the negatives are such bs too.

I want a good ass sincere apology for all of it so I can forgive him & move on, ive already apologized myself even though I dont think I should have to 😒. Didnt even give me a straight answer for the breakup, it was always a different excuse when I know he just wanted to pursue other women without me around im not fucking stupid. His own toxicity was too much even for himself & I was in the line of fire, to where i was the toxic one? No fuck that its unacceptable, he always lied when it came to covering his own ass.

For all i know he's watching me squirm & taking pleasure in all the pain I'm going through over him cuz he likes the attention. But no I actually don't think so on that one he's still good & ill give him credit where its due. But I gave him all the attention he wanted/needed & still wanted more from someone else. Really dude fucking really!?

Man up & own up to your mistakes, speak to me where I can actually hear ur voice speaking back to me with sincerity. We'll apologize together. Yea ull be pissed about this, but after u get over it & calm down. Give in & call me, granted when ur ready, & open up for once in your damn reserved life. Itll help us both with more closure & may even take a weight off our shoulders if we just talk it out, no arguing...since we're done there's no point anyway..a friendly non judgment zone cuz idc, i won't think of u any less.

U confused me during & especially after the relationship cuz i didnt know who u really were, i know the good cuz that's what u allowed me to see, ive accepted the bad that I knew already & from what ive learned...i accepted u regardless.

I always forgave u & not cuz im passive, cuz forgiveness is what the Bible teaches.. ive forgiven u & myself the best i could especially with the last things ive showed u, (accept this part cuz im pissed rn & standing up for myself, ill delete eventually maybe if u ask cuz nobody wants to be seen any less of a person. but I can make it alot worse, calling me the mistake was the worst thing u ever said to me & pointing out your faults so u can be better throughout the relationship was my only toxicity to u) we actually never really fought except the 1 time, just argued a tiny bit rarely about little things.

Ive tried using every ounce of my courage to show u how much im sorry for any wrong ive done. but its up to u now to make things right. U know me, ive always said that u can talk to me about anything. I want to be able to trust again & move on whilst staying friends. What else do u have to lose, might even have a great heart to heart convo dude to dudet

Everything ive ever said up to this point lies all my Questions. But here's most of the list, we both were equally in control of the relationship. Maybe u didn't want me to? But doing everything I had to for myself & the household, what u & ur parents wanted of me & just me being me cuz i had to, u had your own part to play & did provide...but did u actually not want me to cater to u if it were a sign u were lazy or something? Like did u not feel worthy of me? What is it u think is my "addicting personality" that isn't fixable on the surface? What is it really that u didnt like about me? This is why i don't have closure, u left me like this, confused as well as wanting more since u held back so much. Was that on purpose to give me even more false hope & want me to pine over u? Did u ever or do u still, love me at all? What did u want from me & out of the relationship, what was the purpose of it from ur perspective & why do u think i couldn't give that to u? What did i lack that u felt compelled to not tell me so I could improve & vise versa so we both could improve? Why wouldn't u allow me to help u become a better man when (I shouldnt have to btw), its exactly what u wanted but maybe didnt see it? Do u realize your own faults even as u do them? Lol. Like i genuinely want to know as much as the good ive seen, cuz to be better the more open of a person u are the more u understand yourself too.

Unless claiming u want to be a better man is part of ur alluring charm in love bombing process to land a caring girl on purpose lol...god I hope not, that would just mean u rinse & repeat like a for real narcissist 🤔 seriously tho look into that im not even kidding, im asking cuz i care. Im pissed now but 1 thing is that im trying to not put ur behavior against u cuz maybe u can't help it, its just the way u are, all ive seen & experienced points to maybe 50% of u lol. Ive always suspected narcissism, a real psych problem that might be worth looking into. But yea 1 of the reasons especially why im so forgiving & trying not to put it against u, why i still care despite u being a dick lol. I chose to look past it, all the time & up to now cuz I understand what its like to have psychological ailments. The worst part about it is most dont realize it, so i encourage u to do some research & self reflection & admitting it to urself are the 1st steps. Okay? There's different kinds & levels to being 1 too, i found that fascinating. bryan is definitely a different type, ur more lighter than that...definitely not the worst which is the physical harm type. Trust me its worth finding out more about yourself, just dont use it to ur advantage in a bad way but i trust u to do right & grow. Not sure a discarded supply (ie me) has ever tried telling a narcy what they might be for the benefit of their own self awareness 🤔,idk if its ever been done, but theres a 1st for everything? U can find alot on it in quora digest alone but Google is also ur friend.

You always were worth every effort of mine to help u in any way to be happy, & i was most happy when u were. U mean alot to me still, its the effect u had on me, I was under ur spell lol its hard to rid myself of it still, not sure when it'll pass. I chose to see it as a gift rather than a curse, that ur effect on me is still so strong when I shouldn't give a damn. If u really are a narcy, then I understand & don't put alot against u cuz its just the way u are & i need to accept it, but if it somehow helps u to help yourself cuz of it, then whats the harm? But, even in doing this or having my socials public for u...maybe just feeds into what u want...i still dont care, I want u to see how bad or good im doing without u in my life, so u know im okay at least. U promised friendship, least I can do is allow u to keep tabs on me too we spoke of, on my end of things.

The 18th of June was the last time i saw u. It'll soon be a month ago in about a week & a 1/2 & your birthday would mark 2 months. Cant believe we couldn't even last through to that 😔

Mark my words playa I will be contacting u on that day lol. Can't ghost your homie forever sweetie

[1-800-geekosaur]

is it cool to still talk about high school?

i just finished watching euphoria today and holy SHIT that was the most phenomenal show I’ve ever seen. Scarily accurate in how high school was back then. Or at least how i imagined it was. my high school experience didnt include any drugs or alcohol, but I know who did and this show let me understand their stories (or how I imagined their stories would be) a little better. 

I thought it was weird at first. It wasn’t like normal coming of age shows/films, this one felt more personal. I grew up watching things like Saved by the Bell and other 80′s/90′s based high school shows. obviously this one is different because it’s actually set in a time I experienced. I got to thinking...why are there so many of these kinds of shows? Are your high school years really the best years of your life? Have I peaked? It kind of made me a little sad in some ways because I feel like i could have experienced a lot more had I controlled my depression/anxiety a bit better.

I did a bad thing and went through my old photos from high school. I really can’t believe it’s been 7 years already. Its fun to look back on things and remember the fun I used to have with my friends but it also kinda made me sad because so many things have changed since then. It’s really strange now-adays with technology having the power to always have us so connected. So now I can keep tabs on people I grew apart from, without having to actually have a one on one conversation with them. It’s really strange. Back when my parents were my age, their only option for catching up with friends from school was to actually make plans to see them.

In this time of Covid-19, technology is pushed now more than ever. I had made several goals at the beginning of the year. One being to catch up with some old friends from high school that I just haven’t kept up with. It probably wont happen because I’m usually pretty scared every time I leave my house. 

I’m scared that by opening this door of rekindling old relationships, i’ll become overwhelmed. In high school, I had friends in very diverse groups. After going through some old photos today, I saw screenshots of text threads from people I forgot I was even that close with. I also of course noticed i’ve gained a bit of weight since high school which is probably fine and actually healthier for me, but I do miss the body I had. I didn’t really appreciate it then but I do now lol. 

switching gears here, because this is the main reason im up at 3am writing this thing. tonight was the first night in a while I actually missed J. not sure why. nothing really happened that made me think of him. he just randomly came to mind and then I let my mind wander a bit about it. I wondered what it would have been like had I dated him a 3rd time around. back then when we dated, i said things like “no matter what happens, I’ll always love you in some way”. which obviously is super cringeworthy to think about now but today I think I realized that was truer than I thought it would be. I’ve never really had anyone share this feeling with me so I feel like i’m not allowed to say it. I feel conflicted because I just love so fiercely and I know that J loved me. We are both in some pretty good situations right now so I really can’t complain and I think we both ended up where we are supposed to be. But I also just have this nagging feeling that if anything should happen to my spouse to where we couldn’t be together anymore, that is the first relationship I would seek out (and believe me, I know that’s pretty fucked up. This is why therapy exists). Followed up by a few other suitors that fell through the cracks. 

Aside from J, there is another I think about often. G. 

G was cute and exciting and the first black guy I actually had a thing for. Being black and only dating white boys secretly disappointed my parents and I could tell, but they would never say that (and mean it). G was amazing and when we first started talking, we hit it off pretty well. It was the first time a friend had essentially “set me up” with someone. He reminded me a lot of my dad. Everytime I would come to visit him on campus, he would always walk me to my car and carry my things without me asking. He never made any sexual advances towards me (although, I think one time he could have and I wouldn’t have complained...but sadly we were interrupted by some girl that lived down the hall..) he was perfect really...but he never made a clear move that he wanted anything serious. we enjoyed each other’s company but he never wanted a commitment and sometimes I wonder why he never just went for it. maybe he didn’t like me as much as I thought he did...but it sure did seem that way. 

All this to say, I think it’s ok to love more than one person. As long as you love the person. And not just the idea of the person being in love with you. 

[just for clarification on the off chance that someone i know actually ends up reading this, this is PURE UNFILTERED stream of consciousness and is not something to be shared. I’m not a cheater, I would never hurt my husband in that way. this is my therapy. expressing my feelings online.]

[edit: im going to go a step further after re-reading this and explain that by “love” I don’t mean romantically. That ship has sailed. I think what I meant to say at 3am that day is that I want J to know I miss our friendship. and I’m coping with the reality that we will very likely never have a friendship again.]