#they shaped me as a person and an asshole
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darlingshane · 3 days ago
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Rocking your f-me pumps
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Shane Walsh x F!Reader
Summary: You're out on a Friday night and meet a certain deputy who can't stop flirting with you at the bar.
CW: +18, explicit, smut, pwp, p in v, flirting, dancing, horniness, drinking, semi-public sex, crack, pet names, making out, foreplay, some sort of roleplay.
Word Count: 3,1k
— Links: AO3 // Shane Masterlist
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With the impossible mission of not falling on your face in the process, your feet dangerously rush across the uneven concrete sidewalk that takes you from the parking lot to the bar. Maybe you’ve gone too far with your outfit, but it’s Friday night, after all. You’re looking to make an impression, and the dress you’ve picked to go along with the uncomfortable pair of fuck-me pumps you’re rocking for the occasion will definitely take care of that part—you’re sure.
When you cross the door into the bar, it’s as rowdy as usual on a night like this. Loud and crowded— most seats are taken, people are dancing at the back below the glow of a red neon sign, others play pool while waiters haul trays left and right. You find a few heads turning at your passing, as you expected. This is probably the wrong dress for a hole in the wall like this, but you had put it on to cause a reaction of one person in particular.
You glance around one more time to find that special someone who’s sitting at the end of the bar.
Biting your bottom lip, you stare at him like prey, sharpening your teeth and claws before approaching him with caution.
“Mind if I sit here, handsome?” you ask the man, pointing at the empty stool beside him. He’s a deputy from the Sheriff department. He’s wearing his uniform, but his tan shirt is completely unbuttoned, showing a black tee underneath.
“It’s a free country, darlin’,” he says without glancing at you.
The deputy tilts a beer bottle up to his lips, taking a generous gulp of as you study his profile and his rough, defined features. The angle of his jaw is something to admire. He’s clean-shaven, but there’s still a faint shadow of a stubble, matching the thick black of the curls that adorn the top of his well-shaped head.
“Thanks, Deputy,” you carefully take a seat on the bar stool, crossing one leg over the other, and wave at the bartender.
“Call me Shane, I’m off duty, sweetheart.”
“Thanks Deputy Shane.”
He scoffs, and it’s then that his eyes finally turn to the side to gaze at you for a split second before noticing that ridiculous dress you’re wearing.
When his neck swivels again, he darkly stares at you, head to toe, like he wanted to eat you alive. His jaw slacks, almost hitting the counter and if you look closely, you can see his mouth watering taking in the full sight of you. The cleverly exposed skin, the way that dress hugs your figure in all the right places, the sheer fabric of it revealing more than it needs to; more than you're even used to.
“Anything wrong, Deputy?”
“Hm? No. Everything’s perfect,” he drawls before tearing his eyes away from you.
Pleased with his reaction to your outfit, you bat your eyes, glancing over the subtle shrug of one of your shoulders. “That’s what I thought.”
Then, you wave your arm a second time at the new bartender, but he ignores you again. He saw you both times, and he’s not even serving other patrons, he’s just staring at the game playing on mute on the TV.
“Can you believe this fucking asshole?” You slightly bang your fist on the sticky bar counter to express your frustration. “Is this kid new here or what?”
“Hey, buddy!” Shane raises his voice over the music to call his attention. “C’mere and serve the lady.”
The guy barely nods at you to acknowledge your presence or ask what you’re having. You just order an old-fashioned cocktail and hope he doesn’t screw that up. You also order a beer for the deputy as a thank you.
“You didn’t have to do that.”
“It’s fine. Next one it’s one you, Deputy.”
“Thought I said you can call me Shane.”
“I know, but the whole uniform thing is really… imposing. And I’m a good girl. I wouldn’t like to disrespect the authorities. It’s ingrained in me.”
“Good girl?” he scoffs, glancing at you sidelong, using the bottle in his hand to point at your body. “Don’t take this the wrong way, sweetheart, but good girls don’t usually dress like that.”
“Why not?”
“Because,” he remarks that word with a casual shrug, silently implying what you both know, that your full get-up doesn’t scream—I’m about to leave for church. It only says—I’m driving directly to hell to pay for all my sins.
“I don’t like what you’re suggesting, mister,” you mutter as the bartender finally brings your drinks.
“I’m just saying. Look around and check out the sophisticated clientele of this fine establishment.” He says with mockery. “There’s a guy by the slot machines in a greasy, leather vest that’s looking at you like you’re a porterhouse steak. He’s practically drooling all over the floor. He's one minute away from putting his hand in his pants and rubbing one to your name. I’d be careful walking to your car if I were you.”
You can’t help but snort before checking out the guy he’s referring to. The guy in question shifts on his boots and draws a lewd smile at you when you briefly look at him.
“Ugh, you're right.”
“I told ya. Nobody comes into this hellhole looking like you if you weren’t looking for trouble or soliciting, darlin’.”
“Maybe not.” You press your teeth to your bottom lip for a second. “I guess it’s a good thing I’m sitting next to a cop.”
“That's right. As long as you stay by my side, you have nothing to worry about.” Shane locks eyes with you. “You still haven’t told me your name, sweetheart.”
“You can call me whatever you want, darlin’.” Your eye flirts with a cheeky wink.
“Yeah?” He pauses for a second to think. He glances at the cherry adorning your drink and asks, “how about Sherry? Would you like that?”
“Sure, I like that. “You lift the glass in your hand to take a sip. “I’m not soliciting, by the way. Just so we’re clear.”
“Didn’t think you were. Prostitutes don’t usually take that much time and effort to fish for a client.”
“Are you talking from experience?”
“Maybe.” His lips form a downward curve as he scratches his jaw with the tip of his thumb. “So, tell me sweetheart, if you’re not soliciting, what do you do for a living?”
“I’m in a band.”
“A band, huh? Like a rock band?” His eyebrows arch a little higher.
You shake your head. “No, not a rock band. I'm in a concert band.”
“Hm, with saxophones, flutes, and all that shit?”
“Uh-huh,” you take a bigger sip of your glass.
“What instrument do you play?”
“The clarinet.”
“You any good?”
You half shrug. “Let's say I have a natural talent.”
Then, you pick up the cherry from your glass and slowly suck it between your lips as a double-entendre, putting him under a spell as you rip off the stem in one swift motion.
“You’ll have to show me sometime.”
“I’d love to, Deputy.” You grin as he shifts on his seat. “That is, of course, if you have a good instrument. I won't just take the first one that comes around. I like to take my time picking a good one.”
“Oh, sweetheart,” he answers quickly, boasting, “let me assure you I have a fine, tuned instrument. It has never disappointed anyone who's ever got the pleasure to play it.”
“I’ll be the judge of that.” With a quick flick of your tongue on your lip, you gaze shamelessly at his crotch to make an initial assessment. It's hard to tell by the way he is sitting. The folds of his pants makes it harder to see an outline.
“Can I ask you something now, Deputy?”
“Shoot.” He tilts his beer to his lips.
“Let’s say, hypothetically, if I was a prostitute, would you arrest me?”
“Told you I’m off duty.”
“So… If I were to do something illegal right now, would you turn a blind eye? Is that what you’re implying?”
Pausing, Shane puts down the bottle, sending his opposite hand to land in the middle of your thigh as his face leans in closer.
“For you? I’d do anything you want, darlin’. Even turn a blind eye or both. I'd even turn in my badge if you asked me to. I'd kill any guy who'd dare to look at you with so much of a stink eye.”
“Interesting…” You shorten the distance to his face, your nose nudges the tip of his own, “who’s the bad boy now, huh?”
“I never claimed I was a good boy.”
“Hmm, no, I suppose you didn’t.” The tip of your tongue juts out, and you slowly lick his bottom lip before firmly planting your lips against his mouth.
When you can’t hold up the charade any longer, you laugh against his lips and pull back slightly as Shane laughs along with you.
“Hey, baby,” you reach with your hand to cup his jaw, and wipe the spit you left on his lip with your thumb.
“Hey, sweetheart.”
You finally greet each other as usual. You’ve been going out for a while, but from time to time, you like to play a little and pretend you don’t know each other. You’re not sure how it started, all you know is that you both clearly enjoy this pretense as a form of foreplay, even if it’s a little silly at times. The only downside is that neither of you can hold the fantasy for too long. Eventually you always start laughing, but you're getting better at it. And it doesn't matter if it's not perfect, cause it works like a charm.
“You’re late,” he says, his warm hand squeezing your leg.
“I know, I’m sorry. My car was acting up again. I could’ve texted you, but I didn’t wanna mess up our pregame”
“It’s alright. I’ll check it out this weekend, yeah?” He brings his face closer so he can kiss your lips again. “You know, next time… do call me. It’d be fun to do this on the road. You could be a damsel in distress and me, an asshole who would only help you in exchange for certain favors.”
“That sounds kinky. I love it.” Scrunching your nose, you seize his mouth once again. This time, your lips part, and you invite him for a deeper dive into your mouth that he quickly takes over with the delicious swirl of his tongue that firmly plays with yours.
The hue of your advertised make-out proof lipstick ends up smudged on his lips when he pulls back.
“You know, that color looks good on you. It brings out your eyes.” You use your thumb to wipe the stain from his mouth.
“I should kiss you more often then.”
“I’m not opposed to that,” you pull his face closer so you can continue peppering his mouth with an endless amount of kisses. It’s hard to stop. He tastes and smells so good you can’t help yourself.
With music playing in the background, when the mood shifts to something slower, Shane drags you to the dance floor. You anchor your arms to him, trying to balance yourself on your impossible heels as you sway together to the melody of the song playing. You adore the way he stares at you when his forehead leans on top of yours. One of his fingers traces the shape of your jaw. A second later, your face is held inside his palm as an inescapable wave of desire forces him to conquer your lips again, as if his life was on the line and the only safe haven was your mouth. Your head spins with the dizzying swirl of his tongue that leaves you breathless over and over. The tone of the music changes to something sexier, and so does the rhythm of your bodies that follow suit. You part from his kiss as the heat rises, and spin around in his hold to press your ass against his bulge. His mouth latches at the crook of your neck, viciously printing a love bite as a reaction to the sensual swaying of your hips, making him harden behind his uniform slacks. You throw an arm back and place your hand blindly on the back of his head, making a fist with his curls.
“Everyone is looking at you, darling’” he purrs in your ear, clutching his hands to your waist, following your moves.
“Yeah? Let ‘em.” Your cheeks feel like burning when you say that. You avoid at all costs looking around to see anyone staring. Instead, you gaze over your shoulder to focus solely on him. “Bet they're jealous I've already picked my guy for the night.”
“You bet this sweet ass they are,” he squeezes your backside firmly as you find the soft skin of his earlobe and suck it between your teeth. It makes him lose his mind when you do that, but not as much as when you're sucking his cock. He becomes a feral creature when you take him fully between your lips.
You press your teeth a tad harder on his lobe, and he pulls back at once. He retaliates by biting your neck with the same force.
Letting out a gasp, you close your eyes and let Shane and the music take over your body. His hands roam your body anxiously to touch every part of your skin, covered or not. The sultry neon lighting of the dance floor acts as cover for you and other couples around.
There's something that has risen to rock-hard perfection, rubbing at the curve of your hips as the song comes to an end. During that transition, you suddenly feel your hands propped against the paneling of the wall, and him completely pressed against your back. One of his hands slips under the hem of your skirt at the front as he drags his hardness over your ass while his fingers play over the thin lacy fabric of your underwear, stirring your arousal.
Your panties are soaked by the time he manhandles your body so you're facing him again.
With glaring lust spilling out of the wildness of his gaze, he now shoves your back against the wall with little care. He's the hunter now, and you're the prey, and you can tell he's not looking to go easy on you.
Shane licks his lips, and without warning, he seizes your mouth once more with such vehemence, it makes your center send a jolt of electricity across every cell of your body. With teeth, tongue, and hands, he devours every bit of you as if you were made out of his favorite food. It's violent and delightful to have him all over you like that. It’s easy to get lost in that cloud of ecstasy when all your body craves nothing but being taken by him. Shane is firmly pressed against you. His rough hand lifts one of your thighs over his hip, forcing the skirt of your dress to fold up your leg, so you can feel the outline of his erection when he fits his crotch between your legs.
“Shane… Shane, baby,” you moan unintelligibly in his mouth, slightly coming to your senses. “Maybe we should do this somewhere else?”
“Hm? I thought Sherry was more adventurous.” His lips are automatically drawn to your neck once again.
“She is.” You hold his head between your palms and straighten his neck so you can look at his eyes.” But that doesn't mean she wants to basically copulate in front of all these people like fucking animals.”
“I don't think they’d mind.” Shaking his head, amused, he nudges the tip of this nose against yours. “It would be the first time these walls have seen some copulation happening.”
“Well, I do mind.”
When you're done protesting, you head out the bar to drive home, but you don't make it farther than the parking lot.
Unable to keep his hands off you, by the time you've reached his truck, he's practically ripped off your panties. There's barely a thread holding them together when your favorite deputy opens the door to the passenger seat to his truck. Without bothering with climbing inside, he bends you over that same seat, removing the remains of your underwear completely so he can collect your arousal in his fingers.
Much like the inside of the bar, there’s no doubt the parking lot at the back has seen its fair share of action, but out here, the difference is that there's practically anybody.
Either way, you leave the car door open to shield your dirty deeds. While Shane stands behind you, you look over your shoulder after hearing the clinking sound of his belt unbuckling, just in time to see his raging erection being released. Biting your lip, you watch him spit on his hand and spread it all over his shaft to have an extra layer of lubrication. He leans forwards and whispers in your ear to stay quiet before shoving his cock bluntly into your dripping cunt. You gasp and close your eyes, feeling every thick inch of him stretching you up nicely. His warmth breath bathes the back of your neck while he quickly picks up the pace. Right off the bat, his thrusts come sharp and hard to have you clenching around him before everyone even notices what you’re up to. This is about a fix, a quick release to quench that fire burning at your core. Pleasure ripples through your body with each push. You have to press your teeth harder on your lip to keep you from crying out. Shane coos your ear with encouragements mixed with a fair share of fucks and other curse words.
The grip of his hands tightens at your hips when he’s about to come. You can tell by the way his cock throbs and the erratic push of his hips searching for that sweet release. Your legs are about to give up when you feel the fire in your center expanding outwards, making you contract harder around him in one tight squeeze that earns you a good grunt out of him. A second later, his warm, sticky substance comes out in quick spurts, coating your walls, filling you up like a cream puff.
“Fuck, Deputy, you really know how to make a girl's legs shake.”
“You're not the only one with a natural talent, darlin’.”
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— Credits: stunning divider by @firefly-graphics
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kotemf · 3 days ago
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Gift wrap banner by: @the-little-moment.
My gift for @lonewolflupe for the @galactic-gift-gathering event is nothing else than a short fic about Commander Fox and his biggest love: caff. Your gift is belowthe cut, I hope you like it!
Fox has always had a thing for caff.
He was a little older than eight standard years old when him and his batchmates decided to sneak out of their sleeping pods after the curfew and wandered to the mess hall. They were there for snacks but the moment Fox laid his gaze on a forgotten cup of the brown liquid on one of the tables, he couldn't look away. There was something about that brown liquid, something that made him take a sip.
There was no way to describe the taste, or the rush of contentment and energy that flooded Fox the moment he swallowed. And he knew in that moment that he wanted more.
His liking for caff hasn't changed. By the end of the war, he was drinking enough caff to show on a drug test.
And then the war ended, Fox was forced to quit his job of a commander until he recovered from the damage Palpatine did to him - not that he actually needed the time off but try explaining that to his overprotective batchmates - and along with his job, he list the option of stealing caff from the coffee machines in the senators' offices.
So he went and tried a coffee shop after coffee shop. And who knew caff could be even more delicious? Don't take him wrong, the plain black liquid he used to drink was good but it was nothing compared to pumpkin spice latte or strawberry creme frappuccino.
He didn't get why his batchmates laughed at his choice of drinks but then, his batchmates has always been weirdos. Fox didn't take it personally and brought them each a vanilla bean frappe with two pumps of raspberry syrup to their meeting in Wolffe's apartment.
"What's that?" Wolffe gave the plastic cup Fox just handed him a weird look. What was his problem? It was aesthetic!
"Looks kinda poisonous. Are you trying to kill us Fox'ika?" Cody joked. Asshole. Next time, Fox was getting him decaf.
"It's vanilla bean frappe with two pumps of raspberry syrup you moron."
"You know, maybe you could open a coffee shop," Rex snickered.
"You know what? I will."
"No, Fox, that was a joke! You can't just open a coffee shop!"
"Watch me."
Fox was nervous. He had exactly ten minutes and forty five- forty four- forty three- forty two- Alright, that's enough, he needed to calm down. He had approximately ten minutes before he opened his very first coffee shop. His worry was unnecessary. He was just opening his first ever coffee shop. What could go wrong?
Fox nervously sipped his iced matcha espresso as he watched the numbers on his watch change steadily. The drink was good. Surely his customers were going to agree. It was so good Fox ran out of the drink before he was supposed to open. He needed something to drink, something strong.
He was in the middle of the process of making a unicorn frappuccino when the door opened. Fox forced himself not to run away as he turned to his first ever customer. He was surprised to see senator Chuchi.
"Hi!" she greeted him cheerfully. She looked perfect as always, her blue skin glowy, robes carefully ironed without a hint of wrinkling, not a hair out of place... What was she doing in Fox's coffee shop. Not that it was Fox's business he was just curious. That... that didn't make it his business, right?
"Senator. What can I get you?"
"Surprise me."
Alright. Fox could do this. Caff was his job. No. No, caff was more. It was his life. He could make a good drink for a pretty senator.
Without even thinking about what he was doing, Fox started mixing ingredients in a cup. He started with some melted chocolate, added ice, almond milk, blueberry juice and mixed it well before pouring some well brewed coffee into it and topping it off with whipped cream and some heart shaped chocolate sprinkles. He looked at his creation. That wasn't any of the drinks on the menu. He did it all on instinct, without thinking. It didn't look bad, though. He handed it to the senator.
"Looks great. I don't remember seeing this one on the menu?"
"It's a... it's a special. Just for you," Fox stuttered.
He watched the senator take a sip. He hoped he mixed it well. An angry senator was the last thing he needed, especially when it was the one senator who treated the clones with respect. What was he even thinking, he should've just fixed her a regular latte with some extra cream and- "Wow. This is... I don't have words for this, this is the best drink I've ever had."
"Really?"
"Uh huh." The senator took another sip. Fox guessed he was lucky. "How much is it?"
A good question. "It's on the house," he blurted out.
"Thanks, Fox." The senator smiled at him. "I'll be back tomorrow!"
Fox watched the senator toss a generous amount of credits into the tip jar as she walked out of the shop. He was still busy wondering if she really just said his name. How did she recognize him? Kriff, how did she even know he had a name? He always went by CC-1010 when in the senate.
He was still pondering over that when he heard his batchmates snicker from the door. So they really came. Sweet.
"Are you going to be standing there or do you actually want to purchase something?" Fox asked impatiently. He was a barista, not a comedian. His job was to get people so hooked on caff he could live out of their orders, not making them laugh.
"Just basic blacks caff," Cody ordered.
"I will let you know that I offer a variety of different-"
"Black caff, vod," Cody asked again, the others following his example. His batchmates were the worst! Why couldn't they just all admit what drinks they really loved? Fox had no problem with admitting that his favorite drink was strawberry cream frappuccino.
"Of course." Fox rolled his eyes as he prepared each of his beloved batchmates a plain, boring coffee. "Two credits each."
"You're kidding, right?" Bly asked.
"No."
"You mean a senator gets a drink on the house and your batchmates don't?" Wolffe looked offended.
"The senator didn't get the most boring drink I offer, did she?"
"We are your batchmates!" Rex argued. It was ironic that it was him of all people, he wasn't even from the same batch, he was just in the wrong place at the wrong time and got kidnapped and later adopted by Cody. Not that Fox cared, no one was getting free drinks if they didn't at least order something interesting.
Fox's coffee shop turned out pretty well. Soon he had more customers than he could handle. Senator Chuchi kept coming every morning and sometimes in the evening as well. The command batch stopped by daily to order their plain coffee and then the di'kute returned alone later to order the drink they were embarrassed to admit they liked. The entire Coruscant Guard frequented the place as well as many other clones. Then there were Jedi and of course the regular citizens of Coruscant. To sum it up, the place was popular.
Fox was proud when he learned how well known his humble coffee shop was. Sure, his vode knew his shop. But nat-borns did too and that was a surprise. And it wasn't just some regulars who lived nearby, no. His coffee shop was a well known place! People would say they will meet at Fox's and their friends knew exactly where. Teenagers would buy caff just so they could spend an hour taking selfies with the cups and let the drink get cold. Fox couldn't be more happy. He loved caff and he loved making it for the citizens of Coruscant.
He heard the door open.
"Hey, Fox," Rex greeted him. He was the first one to return for his alone drink that day.
"Rex." Fox nodded at him. "The usual?"
"The usual."
Fox started making Rex's favorite espresso with milk, dragon fruit syrup, pink whipped cream, white chocolate topping and marshmallows. "Here you go." He handed Rex the cup and watched his vod'ika leave. He shook his head fondly. If only him and Fox's batchmates could admit they weren't all that much into boring, black caff, their lives would be much easier. It wasn't like they could laugh at each other. Rex loved milky espresso with dragon fruit, pink cream, white chocolate and marshmallows. Bly loved pumpkin spice latte. Cody loved affogato with cookie cream and two pumps of extra caramel. Wolffe's favorite was iced matcha tea latte with almond milk, raspberry syrup, seven extra pumps of dark chocolate, purple whipped cream and rainbow sprinkles. Fox didn't judge. His batchmates did but they didn't have the right too.
Fox was distracted by the door opening again. He looked up to see his favorite customer. He smiled. "Hi, Riyo. What can I get you today?"
She smiled back. "Surprise me." She always said that. It was more of a game at this point, she could've ordered any of the drinks Fox has served her in the past. But she seemed to enjoy the surprise and Fox liked the challenge of creating new and new delicious and aesthetic combinations.
"Of course."
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seastarblue · 3 days ago
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Trivia Tuesday!
for today’s event hosted by the @creators-club , I’ll go more in depth on Mehri’s character!
Okay so—
I think I first designed Mehri way back in… 2022? She was one of my first characters, I’m pretty certain.
She hasn’t changed much physically, she’s roughly the same height and she’s got the same color scheme, but I think she was part dragon before? Don’t quote me on that, but it’d explain their fire magic and strength.
I have a pretty clear memory of Mehri being an exiled princess, who was exiled for Murder <3 but that’s about all I can remember. I really should have written this down…
The thing that’s changed the most with them is their personality!
She used to be vindictive and rude and proud, but now she’s much kinder and sweeter. Believe me, I love a good asshole character, but with how Noha and Harper and Kaiden were shaping up? We needed some good energy, and Mehri delivered!
She’s now the “peacemaker” alongside Aleksi, and she’s also the resident sunshine character, always smiling and looking on the bright side. She’s a little naive, sure, and reckless, but she’s a lovely addition to my little cast and I wouldn’t have them any other way <3
this was shorter than I’d like it to be, but I hope you enjoyed ✨
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brainrotlesbian · 1 year ago
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Am I about to word vomit about a series that isn’t super well-known and I haven’t even technically finished since the fourth book was released and I never read it? Yes. Yes I am.
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The Ascendance series. Formerly the Ascendance Trilogy but I just discovered there was a fourth book released in 2020 (I think I was told before but I forgot 💀). A bit of a staple series in my adolescence and cemented my love of sarcastic asshole main characters (along with Percy Jackson)
But, more seriously, beyond Jaron’s fuckery on the surface, I kinda wanna dig deeper into his character. Cause, even thinking about his story for more than a minute is rather sad. He was the second-born of his family, the royal family, and an embarrassment to them because of his shenanigans (I’m willing to bet he has ADHD). The black sheep. The screw up. Everything that his brother, the crown prince, wasn’t, and it reflected poorly on him. He was impulsive and passionate, but most of all, he was hardly 11 when he went missing.
11. Eleven years old when he barely missed being attacked and murdered by pirates. Eleven when he escaped to Avenia, a country that was looking to devour his own and slaughter his people and murder his family. Eleven when he was told by his father not to come home, as it was his duty to prevent war between the two countries; one that Jaron’s own, Carthya, would lose. Eleven when he was disowned, essentially, and orphaned and had to survive in a hostile country. The jump from prince to starving street urchin couldn’t have been a pleasant one.
Then he spends the next four years living as this vagrant. I can’t imagine what his thoughts towards his family were; how his father told him not to return, for the good of Carthya. How his mother would never know what happened to him, her cherished son, and simply had to wonder for those four years what had happened, until she was murdered with her husband and son. The revelation that Conner had murdered his family in order to prompt the power struggle to find the missing prince, or rather, create a convincing copy of the prince. And the further revelation that Conner had hired the pirates to attack Jaron’s ship to kill him, but had failed.
Would he not feel as if his family’s deaths were his fault? He never got to say goodbye to them, not properly, and he was hardly 15 when they died. He was still a kid. He already buries his true feelings and emotions under layers of bitterness and sarcasm and defiance. Almost every one around him betrays him or tries to kill him in one way or another. His entire world is deceit and lies and murder, so it’s no wonder he’d grow up salty and bitter at the world around him.
He’s king. 15 and king of a country. And despite everything, he still does everything in his power to protect his people. Cause even if he is salty and bitter at the world and the fucking assholes around him, he’s going to do his duties as king and protect his people to the best of his ability. He’s protective of those he cares about. We see that with Imogen, how from day 1 at Farthenwood he’s sticking up for her and looking out for her. He often goes to ridiculous extremes to protect the ones closest to him. Even to the point where he puts himself in jeopardy.
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gunstellations · 1 year ago
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rk800 💙 rk900
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small-spark-of-light · 1 year ago
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POV: infectat almost dies again
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presiding · 1 year ago
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formerly an essay in tags but - billie lurk. half-nameless, misremembered woman. her powers derived from the things taken from her, without any catharsis or empowerment. the rat charm, tied with deidre's hair, her lover's voice in the mouth of rats. her arm and eye, taken, given back only to cause her chronic pain, then lost again. foresight seems a cruel gift for a woman who botched the timing of her takeover of the whalers, and bet wrong when it came to delilah.
she never bore the outsider's blessing; his first visit to her was more like an assault. every other dishonored POV character gets the choice to be selfish, and for that selfishness to mean something, but billie's actions have no effect on the world at large, either, in a game without a chaos system.
some say that corvo is the ghost, but he can reach out and change things. billie's buried herself twice and come back and nothing she does seems to matter - she is less a protagonist, more a convenient full stop in the narrative.
try this: open doto, start a new game. sit in her cabin. notice how little of billie there is. even the woman she loved more than anyone has the face of another named character.
she sits amongst the assets of other games: empty canvases and a dressmaker's mannequin that wears nothing.
#billie lurk#even the wiki is wrong about her its infuriating#pulled this out of tags because fuck it#in daud's DLCs even the stories that weren't about him were about him#but billie's stories are the scrapheap. they're the stuff they couldn't squeeze in elsewhere. cheap jokes and macguffins#i'm not even roasting the devs for this i think releasing dishonored in 2016 then DotO in 2017 was a feat (derogatory)#games should be made slowly and with love#and i know that everyones talked about this endlessly#but billie is my fav and it sucks that she got a game that only causes me to grieve for her as a character#not FOR her as a person#only the potential story that never was. that she never got.#you can have your strong black woman and not turn her into a trope. give her depth and range and heartache and agency. yes there was traged#but how did it SHAPE her?#dont get me started on her being designated caretaker of a former god and dying assassin. what the fuck#some of this i'd be more okay with if she was younger - i mean. the blank canvases? really?#this game could have been about wyman and there's not that much that would have changed in terms of the core story#“found out the asshole that killed your mother is still around. gonna go deal with that.”#emily who is stoned: “cool.bring me snacks on the way back”#wyman: “oh he's saying actually it was gods fault and that its possible to kill him. well i have literally nothing in my schedule”#billie's not surprised by anything anymore but maybe wyman would freak out over most of it. could have been a lot of fun#also you cant fuck up wymans characterisation. they barely exist.#local empress sends her enby girlboyfriend to kill god#pres writes increasingly deranged essays in the tags#death of the outsider spoilers#i have to complain about doto once every year or so or i die#but i'm not really gonna let arkane hide behind dev excuses when it comes to racism like. its not enough
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turtlemagnum · 19 days ago
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ok, gonna try my hand at compiling my thoughts on fist of the north star first. here goes nothing! warning, this post is gonna be Long, open the read more at your own peril.
i think the best way to go about this might be roughly chronologically, so i'll start at the start. i think it's interesting how very early on, the conceit is "there is but one practitioner of hokuto shinken and but one practitioner of nanto seiken, and they are sworn to never fight lest the world fall into Chaos..." and that degrades very quickly past the first arc. i will say that overall, the shin arc is a very fun, enjoyable and relatively quick watch, with mostly interesting fights, decent character designs and a mostly compelling narrative. i think one of the standout parts, to me, was when shin was actually defending yuria from his former goons while they tried to revolt. it definitely added a certain texture to shin's character where he had previously been just 100% straightforwardly the bad guy, instead of being 99% that. also there's the devil rebirth fight and that time ken killed The Entire United States Military in the same episode that he punched a wrecking ball so hard that it shattered like a christmas ornament. now that i think about it, the leader guy of the former US military was actually probably the first time we see nanto seiken used by someone who isn't shin, and i remember it being kind of a big deal that shin had violated their sacred traditions to such an extent, y'know? how quickly that went out the window
something that's been consistently good in the series was the music. the fight music, the ambient stuff, and especially the openings. all 3 of the openings are S tier, but i will say they never quite top ai wo torimodose, it's just that fucking bombastic and fun, y'know? at the same time i wouldn't stab somebody for thinking silent survivor or TOUGH BOY are better, they're all fuckin great even if in different ways at time. honestly i'm mostly surprised that an anime from back then had more than one opening, much less 3. from what i can tell that shit wasn't nearly as common back then as it was today, so i think it speaks to how deeply popular the series was back in its heyday. hell, OG dragon ball got just one and im pretty sure DBZ barely got two. i hope one day i'll be able to make music as stellar as the hnk soundtrack, really.
something that bugged me about early fist of the north star is how every fucking woman looked like yuria, just sometimes with different hair. this definitely got better as the series went on, and i have no idea if this was a problem in the manga too, but by god is it glaring. thankfully that seems to clear up ironically after mamiya is introduced, who is explicitly portrayed to be the spitting image of yuria. i think the first time i noticed that women finally look like unique people and Not Just Yuria was that one martial artist who fought with roses and shit. side note but i genuinely loved her design, the show got really sexist about her being a Femoid who fights but setting aside that i really loved her. i should learn to draw her. anyways, i like how the series improved over time in that regard, at the very least
one of my biggest problems in the series starts with shin's death. i remember when shin first died and he burst out crying, i had assumed it was just a fucked up manipulation tactic like the yuria doll, but apparently we the audience were expected to take it seriously? and like, this began a longrunning trend of a villain being like, absolutely irredeemably evil, like puppy crusher machine, baby eating, torment nexus evil, and then at the end they're all like "i just wanted 2 play on de play groundt...." and we're expected to take that seriously???? like, i'm all for moral nuance and complexity, and there are times where this whole shtick was done more tolerably than others, but in my opinion they never actually redeem somebody in a way that's satisfying. a redemption arc has to be, y'know, a fucking arc. and even if you're trying to do a redemption = death thing, the thing that makes that trope work is that they die doing something, y'know, actually good???? the reason anakin's redemption worked (aside from actually being foreshadowed pretty blatantly) was because he actually saved lukes life and died in the process. he did a good thing and died because of it. meanwhile shin, he still fought ken right up until the end and acted like nothing was out of the ordinary until he was literally seconds from dying. at least raoh had it built up to a little bit, like jesus fucking christ.
now, i will say that the arc from roughly jagi's introduction to the first fight with raoh is the best fist of the north star gets. if you're thinking about watching the show but don't wanna commit to 150ish episodes, i'd recommend watching from the beginning right up until the end of the first raoh fight. i feel like that's still be a pretty compelling 50 or so episodes, and it has literally all the best bits within it. honestly kinda sad that the show peaks approximately 1/3 of the way through it, but what can you do. anyways, enough backhanded compliments; jagi is probably the best all around villain in this series. he's an absolute bastard, he's one of the first characters in the entire show to just straight up pull a normal gun on people, and he inspires one of the most cathartic moments in the entire show. this is around when we first get into like, the soap opera shit, right? first it's a bit contrived but still cool as hell that rei is a new nanto seiken practitioner, aside from That One Scene he fills the deuteragonist role pretty nicely and is honestly the gold standard by which the rest of the series' guys can be judged off of. he's no ein or juza, but to be fair basically nobody is.
anyways like, that cathartic moment i was talking about. it was just after jagi admitted to ken, taunting him with the fact that he's actually the reason shin kidnapped yuria, and he's the reason yuria died. this, alongside the "actually the main character has 3 secret brothers that we just havent mentioned until now, and theyre ALSO hokuto shinken practitioners" is very like. soap opera/bad fanfic-y, right? but it works because in execution, it's still pulled off well, and we're still nowhere near the bullshit horizon we'd skyrocket past by the end of the series. so, when ken's finally killing jagi, there's a moment where he says something to the effect of "this is for yuria, and...." and you just know what he's about to say next, but he hesitates, and when he finally says it it's so damn satisfying, "and for me!" and the thing is that it's a deeply compelling moment for a variety of reasons.
so, the thing with fist of the north star is that, in a lot of ways, it's very analogous to a superman story where the question is almost never "will the main character lose this fight" because he's so insanely fucking broken, right? the real question is, "will this character protect those he cares about in time", that's where the tension comes from, and it comes from the fact that he is in fact a hero. that's how you write a compelling overpowered protagonist, you give him either people to love or just a love and respect for all life in general and so that always gives you stakes. i get that to a lot of people, the question of "will ken save this nameless chicken farmer?" isn't a very compelling one. but to me, it is, because he cares so deeply about it that i start caring about it. in the words of aphex twin, "i care because you do".
so, the thing is up until now ken is a very selfless character. it's to such an exaggerated degree that it becomes fairly evident that he has very little regard for his own safety or wellbeing. in the first arc, aside from helping whoever he happens across he's motivated exclusively by rescuing yuria. every fight he has up to this point isn't even for himself, really, and there's something almost sad about that. he doesn't allow himself to have needs. so it's actually very satisfying to see this strong, principled man admit that he has in fact been hurt, and that he's not just doing good for those around him but for himself as well. and it's a very natural character progression that you don't even realize is happening but also makes complete sense. there's something deeply compelling to me about a man so devoted to helping others that he has to actively learn how to live for himself, y'know? i feel like that's a relatable struggle to a lot of people, really
i will say i have one gripe about the jagi fight, and it's that it's almost perfect except for the fact that jagi dies laughing. at first it's seeming like he's gonna die in agonizing misery like he deserves, and it's satisfying well up until the point he starts to laugh on the way out. and like, i understand why it was done that way, and i'm pretty sure it was meant to be haunting, but it honestly just felt like it undercut an otherwise great moment, y'know? i want that motherfucker suffering god damnit, its what he deserves.
there's not much to say about the arc up until the first raoh fight, really. toki is really fucking cool, i love me my apocalypse karate jesus boy, and the fight with that uighur guy was really good setting aside the weird racial thing of having a character that's of a certain ethnicity and just naming them that ethnicity. like, imagine if there was just a guy in a show named Jew, and he's canonically supposed to be jewish but it's never really addressed, like that'd be weird right
i will say, the raoh fight was fucking precious, easily the best part of the entire series. it has this amazing and complex rhythm to it, where every character who tries to fight raoh ends up trying their own self sacrificial bullshit move only to be thwarted by the next guy, until there's essentially like 3 or 4 different fights going on at the same time. it's also nice seeing ken get straight up hard countered for once, like straight up he gets just as fucked up as raoh does and it makes raoh that much cooler of a villain. up to this point, ken is like, essentially invincible. he's basically post apocalypse aikido jesus, poking people so hard that their disabilities are cured and punching people so hard that their entire bodies explode like he's got the bloody mess perk. so to see someone even break even with him is a damn impressive thing, it instantly establishes your villain credentials y'know?
the thing about raoh is that i love him, very much, but i very much hate how he was handled near the end. the fights with him after the first one are very eh, the penultimate one is close to satisfying but then there's that whole "and then he randomly got away with yuria and now he's gone!!!" bullshit, and i get what the final one was going for and it's kind of built up to but i still didn't exactly like it, y'know? for what it's worth, raoh's redemption arc was probably the most well set up in the entire series, but it still wasn't actually y'know. good. like, the way we're introduced to him is by him being Ken-Oh, King of Fists, and he's this fucking tyrant who recruits people to be his slaves by giving them the ultimatum of "willingly brand yourself as my property and then be my slave for the rest of your short life or get burnt to death", and we're shown that his goons are inches away from burning lin, a literal baby child, to death. and we're supposed to just buy that he's actually not that bad at the end???
like, something i wish this series would just fucking do would be to have their villains just fucking own their villainy right up till the end. they do it before the end!!! one of the first bits with shin has him literally monologuing about how cool & good it is to be evil before busting out one of the greatest evil laughs i've ever heard from a voice actor in any media ever. the best villains are pretty consistently That kind of evil, like the kind of evil that'd make the average disney executive go "hey maybe we can chill a bit out here real quick", and that'd be wonderful if they were unrepentant about it!! it feels really forced!!! imagine if like, frieza, before the bitter end, went all "hmm, maybe i do regret blowing up planets and spending my days being space hitler...." that wouldn't've fucking worked!!! there is, in fact, such an intense degree of evil in fiction that it just doesn't make sense for them to immediately go "hmm yeah i'm a good guy now. right before i die. how about that :)". it's deeply unsatisfying every fucking time, like my god
there's something to be said about the queer coding in this show. i remember in one of the earlier episodes, there was this bear dressed as a BDSM cop and his two goons were scantily clad twinks, and internally i went "haha that's kinda gay" before he straight up kisses random dudes before he kills them. and it hit me like "oh. he IS gay..." and it's like. i don't think that's even the gayest thing in the series, really. there's that one scene where two fang clan dudes are checking out rei and the one with the binoculars is like "woah, this guy's real pretty!" and the other dude is all "well, not as pretty as me right bro???". and then there's just yuda, in general. relatively uninteresting villain, but him dying in rei's arms admitting that his motivation in trying to kill him was that he was the only other man who he found beautiful, like. i don't think there's a heterosexual way to interpret that, really! and that's even setting aside the hideous makeup he's always in! and that's not even mentioning yuria's brother wanting to "see what she(yuria) saw in him (ken)" and as a consequence, wanting to die by his hands. also ein is a bisexual icon who canonically thinks ken has a pretty face and i love that for him
the next bit after yuda was, i believe, souther and shu. now, i think souther might've been the only villain to outright defeat ken up to this point, and i think there's something that could've been interesting about that if souther just wasn't like, aggressively fucking boring. i think he's also the introduction to ki blasts, so that's cool, but the most interesting bits about the souther arc were the bits with shu. shu was a homie, very speedwagon-esque in terms of vibes if not functionality, i liked watching him at work. i will say that shu was probably the point where nanto seiken was wearing out its welcome, we're at like 4 or 5 guys whose main deal was nanto seiken and their entire fighting style could essentially boil down to "cut em into bits" and the only real variation was the shape of the bits people were cut into. i think this might've been the prevailing attitude at the time too, because they definitely pivot away from nanto seiken after this in favor of other, usually dumber martial arts
i will say that this series is, usually, very good about respecting character deaths. with one piss stained exception, characters pretty much always die and stay dead forever, meanwhile i feel like in series less committed to death mattering would've still had toki or rei around by the end of it. the exception is, of course, yuria. it was to give yuria and ken a happy ending, at least for a little while, and honestly while i kinda hate the concept the execution was still fairly competent so i didn't outright dislike it overall. i think it's stupid and retcon-y and at times feels like yet another excuse to make shin seem like less of a bad guy, but it still felt nice to know that yuria got the spend the last few years of her life with the man she loved
i liked ryuga for what he was, mostly just because he wasn't yet another fucking nanto seiken user. he's probably about on par with the elemental guys that'd go on to die to raoh, juza excluded. which brings me to, the man who is tied for Best Boy, juza of the clouds! i.e., my current profile pic. i like juza. he's probably the best thing to come from the series post the Peak arc of jagi to raoh. one of my first criticisms of the characters in this show was something to the effect of "look, if you're a handsome, muscular guy who's also ungodly fucking powerful in terms of martial arts in a world where martial arts is fucking magic, And you're in a post apocalypse? all i'm saying is that you could have basically any girl you wanted CONSENSUALLY, like seriously shin just ditch yuria and build yourself a harem of all the women that look exactly like her". and juza did exactly that, and i love him for it. i'd like to think i'd be like juza, in his universe, not quite the top of the totem pole in terms of raw power but still well above every normal person, saving women from being abused and letting them join my harem if they want, living in a fucking castle with a pool/bathing house? that's the dream, man. that's the fucking dream.
now, that's setting aside juza's whole "wanting to fuck his sister" thing. like, to be fair, yuria's his half sister, but seriously dude what the fuck is it with everyone in this show and yuria. ken and all 3 of his brothers were into her, juza was into her, shin was into her, if there is a man in this show and he knows yuria there's like an 80% chance that he wants her. what's the fucking appeal? like yeah, she's pretty, sure, but so are all the women in this show!!! personally i'd rather date like, a martial artist lady who could actually defend herself, but that could just be me. well, that's like the only thing wrong about juza to me, and honestly while that's a pretty significant flaw you can still say he's literally one thing away from being flawless, so that's pretty cool. god i love him
now's about when we get into hokuto no ken 2, where the main difference is that lin and bat are actually useful now and i'm pretty sure lin wants to fuck kenshiro now, which still weirds me the fuck out. my other favorite character in this show, ein, is the most american fucker on earth. like literally he wears an american flag suit, has blonde hair and blue eyes, is a fucking bounty hunter, and literally rides around on a killdozer driven by what i'm pretty sure is a slave. literally cannot get more american than that, i just hope that the slave guy is like a former bandit or something. little known fact about me, one of my biggest turn ons in a piece of fiction is when a character is a bounty hunter. something about bounty hunters just fuckin gets my brain goin, y'know? i remember when i played the GTA online bounty hunter quests, they were straight up some of the most fun i've had with GTAV and i still think i'd enjoy playing a game where that's the main mechanic. also, at first glance he's a wife guy, but it turns out he's a loving father which makes him even better. it's even acknowledged in universe that he's cool as hell!!! i love him dearly
viceroy jakoh is a decent villain. he's enjoyable to see die, at least. we also meet falco, who's a homie, and honestly i think it's pretty badass that he's a canonically disabled character who's shown to be strong and capable and yet is still clearly held back by his disability. he's a bit like a proto edward elric, in that regard. honestly one of the most sharp inhale inducing scenes of the show was when jakoh swept his prosthetic out from under him and then proceeded to beat the shit out of him, frankly that was an egregious way to make a villain hateable and it was honestly very effective in that regard. gento koken is ok i guess. at least it's not nanto seiken. honestly that whole "celestial emperor" thing felt rather contrived, but eh.
ok so, around this point in the show is when one of its worst aspects really starts to become apparent. so like, it starts out relatively normally when ken is shown to have a few brothers that we didnt know about. it's not that absurd, it makes some amount of sense, the hokuto brothers remain some of the best characters in the entire fucking show. and now all of a sudden, yuria has a brother we didnt know about, and a half brother, and now we meet raoh and ken's biological bigger brothers and after a certain point it just feels like bad self insert fanfic, y'know? and that's what kaioh is to me, it feels like somebody thought raoh was cool and thought "heh, what if i made my own OC that's raoh but even BIGGER and STRONGER and MORE EVIL", like that's what kaioh feels like to me. and then ken's bio brother is just ok, i already forgot his name despite it not being that long since i watched the final arc
but the thing is that kaioh is just like, arguably the most cartoonishly evil villain out of the entire fucking series, seemingly completely unrepentant, literally regularly talks about existing in the "Dark World", straight up kills his own sister just to make ken's brother wanna kill ken, the dude is just bitter and evil the whole way down, so when he pulls that "i just want 2 play on the played ground" bullshit it rings especially hollow even by the standards of the show. god, fuck kaioh, he's just poorly executed overall
the biggest part of hnk2 that i actually liked was shachi. i liked how he was essentially a stupid kid that lucked into being taught unearthly powers basically on par with hokuto shinken, and as such got a big head over it even though at his core he was still a good kid. hokuto ryuken sure felt fuckin contrived, it kinda felt like the writer(s?) noticed how the hokuto brothers were some of the best, most interesting characters in in the original series, and were just like "yeah let's do that but again", and while i guess it doesn't not work it also doesn't work all that well either. hokuto ryuken sounds cool though, even if "north star lapis lazuli fist" doesn't.
another thing i liked about the last parts of the show were that, while definitely not martial art wizards, bat and lin were still deeply competent fighters and put up a consistently good fight against Real Fucking Fighters, which you really wouldn't expect from bat's cowardly ass growing up. i will say that i always thought lin would make a good successor to hokuto shinken, but that might just be wishful thinking. there is a quite prevalent undercurrent of misogyny in this series, and while i understand that it wasn't exactly uncommon in the 80s, i gotta say that i still feel like they could've done better. i dunno
all of this is to say that i liked fist of the north star, very very much. i'm not sure i could recommend it without a laundry list of caveats and disclaimers, but i will say that if my interminable bitching hasn't put you off of it, it's probably for you. it's got a lot of good fights, it scratches that little kid part of your brain that thinks it's so cool to see a guy get kicked in the dick so hard that his entire body explodes, it has great music and mostly competent writing. if you think about it too hard, you will cry, so don't do that, just go along for buronson's wild ride and fuckin enjoy yourself. i probably wouldn't recommend it to someone who's not like, already an anime fan and already likes shonen though. it feels very of its genre, if that makes sense. which i guess it should, given how foundational to shonen in its modern forms as it was
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galoosreblogger · 10 months ago
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Woke myself up early from a sort of nightmare just now and without going into details,
Eastern European Silent Hill setting would go so incredibly hard
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batemanofficial · 2 months ago
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last thing and then ill shut up about it but it pisses me off so bad when people say shit like...that on my lighthearted little poll and then reblog the "activated charcoal will flush all medication from your system and you will get pregnant and be forcibly detransitioned and die all before the next time you have to take a shit" post with full faith. 99% of the users on this website truly have no medical literacy and im starting to think thats on purpose so they can continue to say they have eighty five rare diseases all comorbidly
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senselessalchemist · 1 year ago
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Baldur's Gate 3 has taken over my life and reminded me I have just the worst taste in fictional men (but truly excellent taste in fictional women)
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lith-myathar · 9 months ago
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#so#here is the thing#when you've spent most of your life in a very happy relationship with fantasy#the idea of having a relationship in *reality*#well that may not be very happy. might result in feeling like your heart got ripped out your asshole. but even ignoring that#suddenly the amorphous idea of a partner (which can be anything) takes the shape of an actual person#which can very much only be one thing. this feels like doors closing. feels like getting trapped#part of the difficulty here is that i have difficulty not thinking in the long term (this is a defense mechanism apparently) so#even allowing the possibility of being with someone feels confining#because what if the reality is painfully disappointing (like everyone keeps telling me it will be#bc nothing can measure up to the fantasy) and then im trapped between a lifetime of disappointment and breaking somebody's heart#like. fantasy and Yearning leave one empty to a degree but they've kept me *alive*#and how could the reality ever have that same emotional high while also being Safe and in control#also it doesn't hurt anybody#my over the top desire for intensity feels like something nobody's ever going to want to match. too big. too much. unhealthy prolly#even if they did it wouldn't necessarily be a good thing#so. better maybe to quarantine myself to fantasy.#the Rewards of Being Loved tho. i want those.#realistic and rational part of me knows that Those are the Real Good Healthy Thing that will help the pain#but damn if im not attached to my little pet torments#what if i don't want to be healed? does suffering and trauma just sort of get you addicted to the intensity of emotion and then you're jus#chasing that forever? is anything healthy ever going to feel like Enough???#like how do you just ask somebody ''hey do you want to crawl inside each other's rib cages and take everything way too fucking seriously#so we can attempt to maintain a perpetual state of Desire and the subsequent altered state of consciousness until we both die?''#''but in like a chill way?''#like that's *insane*#im insane. is there any way to have both???#ugh. anyway. don't get crushes this sucks.
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monty-glasses-roxy · 9 months ago
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I'm wondering if maybe Roxy operates on the same principle of dogs that say you can't sit down without the dog being present at all times. Like does Cassie sit down literally anywhere and Roxy materialise next to her? It's not that she's desperate for attention or anything, it's just instinct to want sit next to those she cares about or something, ya know? Like if she really wants attention too, she'll do something to get it as well, but what if she operates on the Rule of Dog that dictates you can't relax or take a breather without Dog also being there?
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useryennefer · 1 year ago
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I just think it's incredibly sad and upsetting how most social media algorithms show you way more ai 'art' than actual REAL beautiful gorgeous art that is becoming more and more rare to stumble upon
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imavikingo · 25 days ago
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kinda personal (again)
The other day I was scrolling through ig reels and a dude talked about how you don't really need to know every single thing about anatomy to draw accurate/good proportioned bodies, but instead have a good sense of spatial awareness and... Fuck man. I don't have that.
I suck at it so badly in every sense of the word... Like I have had a ton of bruises for being clumsy and hitting myself with furniture or things. I often miss a step and fall of my ass (one memorable time I fell down the stairs like a turtle -bc I had a backpack- and couldn't stand up. Fun times). I also can't seem to draw things without having to check over and over with references (And I still can't get them to look right! And don't get me started at perspective or backgrounds. I've literally cried for/because of those fuckers. That's also why I get so weirded out/perfectionist/nitpicky about my own stuff. Because I can't seem to look at it with "normal" eyes. I've tried, it doesn't work). I often have difficulties with a lot of shit because of it and then some (yay for having a roomba brain, I guess).
And it's not something I can really get better at fast or without a lot of work and time (and patience! Something I also lack, because who has time for that. I need things like yesterday! Chop chop brain. And shit... I can't really wait for stuff man) sure I can have some cheats and help (and the delightful use of references, muaks) , but I can't get better at it in a timely manner (meaning now or soon and for forever. Because I constantly forget how to draw and how to paint and other stuff. It's a real struggle. Also for me to use references means to do a finished drawing and that means fatigue and suffering and nitpicking and self doubt). I never knew about this when I was younger and I never thought it was weird or a symptom of something else. I was always just clumsy, couldn't differentiate from left and right and drew weird proportioned bodies besides other "weird" shit. I didn't have a clue because people (adults) didn't have a real problem with my behavior or way of being because I was overall a good student/kid and had good grades and was mostly quiet (I don't blame them nor my parents, it's just weird to be like that since forever and suddenly realize I can't function like I should as an adult or that I have disabilities that have always been there. The chronic pain doesn't help either, but hey! I'm trying and my life is normal-ish so it isn't terrible. It's just annoying and difficult sometimes)
The point is!!! I'm shit at spatial awareness and I get frustrated because I want to be better at it without the constant fight and struggle!
#It's like when a dog wants to play ball but doesn't want for you to take the ball from em to be able to throw it.#Just throw the ball! Don't take it from me! Kinda thing#That's how my brain works lmao#Who would have thought that having adhd and -most than likely be audhd. Bc hey I haven't been tested for the other yet- would be so weird#I mean sure I've been like this my whole life but to suddenly have an explanation and reason of being?#And that my failings and struggles are mostly bc my brain functions differently?#Besides that my body -mostly my head- hates my guts and can and will make it know every single week (The fucker)#Idk I just needed that thought to leave my body and be placed into the void that is Tumblr#kinda personal#Also hey I will try my best to keep being better and drawing what I like... I'm just slower and more self-conscious about it#Also! I studied anatomy at uni! It was nice but didn't help much! Because I didn't know I had a problem with stuff at that point#Now I know and actually try to observe and deconstruct stuff into more simple shapes. Is hard still! But I'm trying!!#The perfectionist and self doubting asshole that lives rent free in my head doesn't help. But I'm trying!#I don't like to talk about my struggles (even less being really serious about them) because I feel they're excuses and also bc-#I don't like to parade my problems on the internet or to ppl in general (I've over shared info before. It's not fun or a wise thing 2 do)#But I found this kinda hilarious because I love to draw and I want to draw but I can't even do that without problems lmao#Also I've always talked and referred to my bran is roomba brain bc it's funnier that way
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lilgynt · 5 months ago
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i love when people put their feelings on me brother i was just sitting here i literally have no feelings strongly one way or another
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