#they have not left my head for 3 years
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Drawing r2d2 with shoes is probably one of my favourite things ever
#droid husbands#c3po#droids#r2d2 and c3po#r2d2#droid comic#starwars#starwars comics#they consume my brain#starwars droids#fanart#they have been my special interest for ages like man#they have not left my head for 3 years
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“Trolls exist!”
“They steal your socks.”
#but only the left ones#what’s with that#anyway#this took me way too long#and sorry the gif quality is ass#but i have had this stuck in my head for literal YEARS#httyd#how to train your dragon#gobber the belch#httyd gobber#trollhunters#trollhunters tales of arcadia#tales of arcadia#toa wizards#3 below#not enrique#not enrique tales of arcadia
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Can you believe that I have spent this entire year completely obsessed over one fictional character? Minthara Baenre, what a woman you are!
#bg3#baldur's gate 3#minthara#minthara baenre#evil murder kitten#felt it best that minthara should have the honor of being the focus of my last post of the year#this woman has lived in my head rent free for over 365 days#she has left me unable to think about literally anything else#not to mention minthara and bg3 has inspired me to write fanfic - something i have never really done before#well - at least not to the capacity that i'm currently doing#i have had many oc's - but none as fleshed out and well developed as daedra#and i only created daedra *for* minthara#minthara has left a permanent impact on me and i will never forget her#i'm so grateful for larian for creating such a wonderful character and for emma gregory for bringing her to life#and to think this all happened because i messed up my first playthrough and backed myself into raiding the grove
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As per Tumblr recommendation, I started Kevin can fuck himself yesterday. I see people comment on how the sitcom part makes it look the way people see an abuser and how the abuse can be disguised. People think he is just a funny guy and the abuse goes unnoticed. I personally see it otherwise, although it's similar.
People know he is an asshole. He spends a whole episode being mean to the new neighbours just because. He meets a dangerous guy at a bar, in public. He is an alcoholic who throws weird parties with lots of other people at home. Patty's boyfriend tells her twice in the 3 or 4 conversations we see that he is an idiot. People know, and people avoid him.
And his bubble know, but they justify it and excuse it. And that's the sitcom. The sitcom is the theater of excuses Allison has (and then other characters too) about his behaviour.
"Can you believe it? We were in our anniversary, such a fun party, we were both super drunk and I don't know how it ended, that I was face down on the floor and the table was broken! Anniversa-rager we call it lol"
"He is such a clumsy guy that just as I was leaving the house, you won't believe that I don't know how he managed to cover me in chilli sauce! What a silly goose!"
"He is so helpless without me, he couldn't find the printer and he called me all day because he needed me to explain to him how to work it. And he worries too! He called the cops because he didn't know where I was, maybe I forgot to tell him".
The conversations with her coworker about husbands help drive this point. That's what mariage is. You find ways to justify it and to avoid certain fights and that's it. We got lucky.
But he did all these things on purpose. And the unreliable narrator of the sitcom makes the joke of it and makes the audience consider that maybe it isn't *that bad*. Allison needs to believe that's what it is, so it is. It really isn't that bad, she thinks, he is just like that.
And we can actually see the worrying things and the threatening parts from minute one. It's only a joke because we have been trained to dismiss it. To justify it and to move on. He isn't doing any heavy lifting here.
In episode 1, just the fact that he ends up standing on the table (when she doesn't want him to even put glasses on without protection) says a lot. But then the table breaks and he fixes it poorly and visibly. It would be bad enough just like this, but I personally think there is more to it. It's just that Allison doesn't want to speak about it or look at it so it is just the table, but it's the switch that turns on for her, the last drop. But she did end face down on her living room, on top of the broken table. It's a very elegant narrative tool where we don't see, but if we wanted to see, it's there.
And the more she notices, the more off-putting the sitcom is. It's still played as a joke, with the laugh track, but she is more aware now, so we can notice too.
We start the series with her turning point, but if the series started a year before that, it would only be happening in her house, as it is her life, her only frame of reference, and it would only be a sitcom because isn't he such a clumsy but caring guy?
#kevin can fuck himself#I have so many thoughts about this series#I have 2 examples of the top of my head of social situations that reflect on this sitcom idea#1 of them when she finally divorced him everyone in the village congratulated her#nobody liked him. he created trouble wherever he went. he had felony charges all over the place.#there was not much anybody could do. His sisters (not hers. HIS) came years before to tell her to divorce him and still#people knew. he didn't charm anybody. he didn't pretend he was the perfect husband#and another one was much less violent but things had to be as he liked them when he liked them where he liked them#I was in that group of friends for 3 months and left because it was boring but also because there was nothing for me to do#he didn't have a job yet his wife had to cook after work for all his friends in the day we all met#a long time friend of his barely came to his dinners and said that he only hang out with him at bars where he could get drunk#because he couldn't stand him while not drunk#so his wife would be isolated from many people because many of the people who used to hang out with him just didn't want to be there#I don't know if she had her own friends#this is just to say: people know and the victim is still isolated because eventually there is nothing people can do#there is no hollywood solution to it#and: the victim is isolated even when there is people to chat with them and help them out#the victim isolates themself. The abuser isolates them on purpose. and the whole situation is very difficult to handle from the outside.
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Grips my shirt and tears it apart so that all the buttons go flying and SCREAMS I love Law and Cora so much what the FUCK!!!!
#Shima speaks#SLAMS MY HEAD INTO THE WALL. BREAKING THE PLASTER. LEAVING A HOLE#AGHHH. AGHHFHF HELP#Cora who saw a kid so angry and bitter at the world decided to throw away everything to save him despite the whole WORLD saying he couldn’t#Law who finally realized there’s still hope left in the world and hope left for him and there’s someone willing to sacrifice EVERYTHING#Just to save him. Just to give him a fighting chance. Just to let him be FREE#Law who came to realize how much Cora meant to him and how much love and care Cora had for him. Then losing all that in an INSTANT#The one person he cared about more than anything sacrificed his LIFE for him#And Law spent the next 13 YEARS working to avenge Cora…naming his pirate crew getting tattoos fashioning his Jolly Roger ALL after Cora#TATTOOS!!! HE GOT PERMANENT MARKINGS ON HIS BODY SYMBOLIZING CORA#I’M. GOING TO FUCKING EXPLODE AND BLOW UP. WHAT THE FUCKKKKKK#Oda writing the most epic revenge quest in history#They mean so much to me I’m GOING to die. Right here and now#Cora giving up everything for Law and Law giving up everything for Cora…THAT’S TRUE LOVE BABEY#No matter what kind of form it comes in that’s TRUE. LOVE. PERIODT#One Piece#Do you think Law still would have gotten tattoos symbolizing Cora if Cora had lived. I wonder about that sometimes.#I feel like he would. I feel like he’d wear them proudly and Cora would be SO embarrassed about it#Law’s not shy about shit like that he’d be super smug about it too#Law: You saved me and gave my life meaning why WOULDN’T I want to permanently mark my body to honor that#Cora: Because it’s embarrassing! Lawwww!!! 😭#Law: Too bad doing it anyway <3#Cora: You know what. Fine. But I’m getting a tattoo that symbolizes YOU#Law: PLEASE???#Cora: WH. WAIT THAT BACKFIRED THAT IS NOT HOW YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO REACT#Cora you NEED to match his freak okay.#I heavily hc Law to be absolutely unhinged over the people he cares about#Like scarily possessive AND obsessive kind of unhinged#He and Cora can have an unhealthy codependent relationship. As a treat <3#Okay shutting up now SORRY I’m just. Unwell. Sighs dramatically
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The best tdmd moments/things (to me; vaguely but not entirely chronological) (also I haven’t read the manga in ages and I’ve only - recently at least - rewatched bits and pieces so some of this is paraphrased while some of it I went back through to get exact quotes and NO I’m not going to do that for all of them it would take too long) (readmore bc it’s a lot):
- “As the crowd shouted, trying to make Sero feel better, Todoroki took a moment to melt his opponent from the ice prison he’d created. For some reason, in that moment, he looked very sad to me.” Ok so this is not the sports festival moment everyone talks about but it LIVES in my head ABSOLUTELY RENT FREE. It’s like, we know Todoroki’s been watching Midoriya for a while, mostly due to his obvious connection with All Might, but in this moment, while everyone is focusing on Sero, Midoriya is Watching Todoroki Back. He Sees Him.
- MIDORIYA TELLING ENDEAVOR THAT HE IS NOT ALL MIGHT AND SHOUTO IS NOT HIM. Midoriya is freeeeeaked tf out bc endvr is intimidating + he’s worried he’ll discover the secret of OFA but the SECOND endvr starts talking like an asshole, Midoriya SHUTS THAT SHIT DOWN. Again, Midoriya has had like ONE conversation with Todoroki and actively Really Wants To Get Away From Endeavor, but he just gets so mad about the way that Endeavor’s talking that he pauses his retreat to correct him and I think that’s beautiful.
- One of Todoroki’s episodes/chapters being titled “The boy born with everything” and how you could easily contrast Midoriya as “The boy born with nothing” (I could not find a definitive answer on whether canon actually calls him that but like). The juxtaposition of their opposite struggles and the underlying understanding that underneath it all they are really not that different. That they have both suffered, and are both trying to make the most of a power with a difficult legacy. (This brings me to the next point because -)
- “It’s your power, isn’t it?”/“It’s yours! Your quirk, not his!” Yeah. I don’t even have to explain this one I think, everyone knows it’s THE tddk moment. I’ll forever die on the hill that Todoroki should’ve found out about OFA sooner and we should’ve had a direct reversal while Midoriya was still struggling with thinking of OFA as his quirk instead of All Might’s and Todoroki repeats Midoriya’s words right back at him. I mean, Horikoshi LOVES to do that (see: repetition of “body moved without thinking”, “meddling when you aren’t asked to is the essence of being a hero”, “that’s what friends are for, right?” etc) the setup was RIGHT THERE, like taking my shipping goggles or whatever off for a second I think it would’ve been a great addition to the story regardless bc it’s an example of how Midoriya has helped other people AND a reminder that he has not quite conceptualized the advice he gives others for himself! Even without that though, we see how important this moment was to Todoroki literally throughout the rest of his arc, to the point that
- “Midoriya, this is my power. Thank you.” IF WE DIDNT GET TDRK TELLING MDYA THAT OFA WAS HIS QUIRK, AT LEAST WE GOT THIS. MY GOD. I was trying to go mostly chronologically, but since we’re talking about a follow-up to “It’s your power, isn’t it?” I HAD to mention this scene next. It’s a really lovely moment because 1) it’s an acknowledgement of how much Todoroki’s grown (which he did on his own! Midoriya reminded him of why he wanted to become a hero in the first place, and he had a lot of support from friends (& teachers/family) but TODOROKI decided to put in the work to become the kind of hero he wanted to be!) and 2) it’s a reminder to Midoriya that he has made a positive impact and helped the people around him, which I think he’s probably struggling with since this is like. Soon after his dropout arc iirc. (Also: it’s a cool new super move that Todoroki developed himself to try to create a better future for his family!! Which, setting aside how beautiful it is that Todoroki has crafted his fire into something that won’t hurt, is also fun bc Midoriya loves quirks and gets to nerd out over Todoroki’s cool new move lol)
- TODOROKI SHOWING UP TO THE STAIN FIGHT. Todoroki has been friends with Midoriya for like a week and gets a location pin with no other context and IMMEDIATELY deduces that 1) Midoriya’s not the kind of guy to randomly drop his location so 2) he must be in danger, and 3) IMMEDIATELY TELLS ENDEAVOR HE’S GOING TO CHECK OUT THE LOCATION AND TO BRING BACKUP TO THERE AFTER HE’S DONE FIGHTING BC HE THINKS HIS FRIEND’S IN TROUBLE. When he actually shows up the first thing he says is something like “Midoriya you should include more details at a time like this. It took me a while to figure out what you meant and I could’ve been too late” but we literally see in the flashback that he figured this all out in like 2 seconds and IMMEDIATELY came to support Midoriya AND SECURED BACKUP. Every person in Midoriya’s phone received the location pin and expressed various levels of curiosity/concern about it in hindsight but Todoroki figured it out right away and immediately came to help (this isn’t a knock on the rest of 1a btw iirc the rest of them weren’t even in Hosu so there’s not anything they really could’ve done about it besides report it - which iirc Kirishima did -, it’s just that Todoroki WAS in Hosu and DID figure it out so he immediately went to help and it was that simple for him). Todoroki also just like. Instantly accepts that ok, Midoriya and Iida were fighting a serial killer, Guess He’s Also Fighting A Serial Killer Now. ALL THIS FOR HIS FRIEND OF A WEEK. This is one of the core tenets of tddkism to me: they are as ride-or-die as they come. Also notable: Midoriya is not generally in the habit of asking for help. The fact that he did, knowing nothing might come of it, AND TODOROKI SHOWED UP EXACTLY WHEN HE NEEDED HIM??? Can we acknowledge how much that probably meant to Midoriya. Also the start of tdiimd as a trio, which this post isn’t really about, but I can’t completely leave Iida out when talking abt the stain fight that’d be fucked up :(
- “We’ll protect them together”. Yes ik, another Stain fight moment, but I believe this line deserves its own point because, again, Todoroki has been Midoriya’s friend for like a week. Immediately prior to Todoroki saying this, he tells Midoriya that his plan is risky. It’s one thing to recognize Midoriya’s text as a call for help and run to be his backup, it’s another thing to let Midoriya take the strategic lead when he’s already injured and the plan itself could be dangerous. But Todoroki puts his trust in Midoriya and says they’ll protect them together, showing his confidence in Midoriya’s strategic prowess AND battle planning ability.
- “You’re a kind person, Todoroki”. Ok I’ll get this out of the way: I have issues with how the writing of this chapter could be read as implying that being a kind person automatically means you have to forgive the person who hurt you. Ik Midoriya tells Todoroki that it’s ok not to forgive Endvr if he doesn’t want to, but the way he follows it up with the fact that he’s a kind person and the assumption that he wants to forgive Endvr...aren’t my favorite. I think it kind of makes sense for Midoriya to think like this given his own experiences (and also. Midoriya is 15, some of his wording is gonna be a little bit awkward sometimes, so I don’t think that’s the only possible interpretation of what he said), but I wish that if that was the intention, there’d be a moment later on where this view was challenged and Midoriya really internalized that you can be kind and still not forgive someone who’s hurt you. THAT BEING SAID, of all the things that Todoroki is called on a regular basis, and of all the qualities Todoroki associates with himself, I don’t think “kind” is necessarily one of them. “Kindness” was not exactly a virtue that Endeavor seemed to prioritize instilling in him (and though Rei probably would’ve, she WAS absent for much of Shouto’s childhood), and he spent so much time building his walls and striving to defy his dad that it’s not something people tend to immediately pinpoint about him. Todoroki really IS kind though, and Midoriya recognizes that AND makes it a point to tell him. For Todoroki, who has worked on himself quite a lot, and just invited friends to his house probably for the first time ever + gone through a tense family dinner in front of them, I think that probably meant a lot (and his expression in that panel is so cute. Ough).
- “Thank you for being Shouto’s friend”. I think the fact that Fuyumi recognized how meaningful their friendship was and thanked Izuku for it was so significant for both of them, like neither of them, as far as we know, HAD a lot of friends prior to attending UA so the acknowledgement that it is a big deal that they befriended each other is special <3
- Tdrk catching Mdya (and bkg and endvr but this ain’t about them) during the first war arc. He doesn’t know shit about OFA at this point but he followed Midoriya to the front lines anyways.
- Todoroki tucking Midoriya in in 327 and putting a hand on his shoulder in 32…8? 9? Fuck if I know I haven’t read the manga in ages. Anyways. These are both tiny moments but I’m grouping them together bc they really show how Todoroki is there for Midoriya, in the way that he’s always noticing things about him, that he’s RELIABLE, he WANTS to be there for Midoriya like Midoriya was there for Todoroki and that manifests both in following him into terrifying fights and in the small gestures of support. Todoroki NOTICES when something’s wrong, and when he has the necessary context he steps up to help.
Bonus mentions:
- the “are you all might’s secret love child or something?” convo in its entirety. Between the Todoroki Family Trauma Dump, Midoriya sympathizing with Todoroki and realizing that despite how different their lives have been, they’re very similar, the beginning of Midoriya’s desire to help Todoroki, and the beginning of Midoriya really Seeing Todoroki, it sets the groundwork for the start of something beautiful
- AFO: “pay close attention to them, tomura shigaraki. These two could prove to be formidable obstacles to you one day”. / AM: “they may have more in common than they realize. They both have such an intense vibe about them.” The fact that both AFO and AM comment on the tdmd sports festival match leads me to believe that originally their relationship (in the original story I’m talking about the platonic sense but read this any way you will since. This IS a post abt why I ship them) was supposed to be more central to the plot, in this essay I will - (<- ramblings of a crazy person but like!!! Both AM and AFO!! And you’re telling me it didn’t mean anything??? Come on!!)
- Also “you’re helping your opponent. You’re a fool.” Their matching maniacal grins after Midoriya prompts Todoroki to use his fire. Todoroki’s softer smile and little tear. Mdya’s “Amazing…”. Them immediately deciding to go full force regardless if it kills them (IMPORTANT FACT ABOUT THEM IS THAT THEY’RE INSANE <3). “Midoriya…thank you.” (OUGHHHHHHHHH 😭😭😭)
- MDYA YELLING “DONT GIVE UP” DURING THE TDRK/BKG MATCH AND FOR A BRIEF MOMENT TODOROKI STARTS USING HIS FIRE AGAIN. Ik he ultimately doesn’t end up using his fire, but that makes SENSE, you can’t process all that trauma immediately, it takes time!! The fact that for a moment, Midoriya’s voice was enough to allow him to use his fire so soon after his life-altering revelation in the tdmd match is so important to me though :( (and the fact that Midoriya’s willing to 1) root for Todoroki and 2) root for him loud enough that both Todoroki and Bkg can hear,,, ohh tdmd are so special to me)
- their little convo at the training camp. “You have a habit of sticking your nose where it doesn’t belong” lol (paraphrased). Underrated tdmd thing is that they’re willing to tell it to each other straight. But also, the genuinely good advice of “words themselves aren’t enough, actions are also needed to get through to someone” (again, paraphrased) (reminder of how Mdya helped Tdrk!! W/ words AND actions!! And now he’s helping Mdya help Kota!)
- “I don’t know, I think heroes cry when they need to probably” - acknowledges Mdya’s crying as a positive trait bc when he’s not crying it means he’s repressing things, also serves as a reminder that heroes are people too (a similar sentiment to Uraraka’s “who will save the heroes when they need saving?”). Serves to remind Mdya that his crying doesn’t make him less of a hero + it’s ok to feel things. Also Tdiimd.
- “You can’t even cry”/“Let us share that burden together” (this is like. Veeeery paraphrased I’m sorry I don’t have access to the chapter and I’m too lazy to rewatch). The whole class said very meaningful things to try to get Midoriya to come back, but even though he wasn’t ultimately the one to fully get through to him (SHOUTOUT TO IIDA ILY IIDA THIS POST ISNT ABOUT HIM EITHER BUT JUST KNOW I CANT WATCH THAT SCENE WITHOUT TEARING UP THEY R SO DEAR TO ME) Todoroki’s is one of my favorites bc sure maybe he doesn’t understand what it’s like to have no quirk and then suddenly have a quirk that’s actually seven quirks and have a pretty much all-powerful supervillain hunting him down but he DOES understand the burden of trying to shoulder the crushing legacy of a top hero, and here he reaches out to Midoriya once more reminding him that his tears are a good thing and offering to share the burden and help Midoriya like Midoriya’s helped him.
- Light novel moments: Mdya teaching Tdrk how to make AM origami and Tdrk sending it to Rei, Tdrk going to return Mdyas pencil and admiring Mdyas AM figure and Mdya trying to give it to him bc he has another one but Tdrk refuses bc he doesn’t want to damage it so he suggests he just come visit it instead (I haven’t read the light novels but I’ve seen these excerpts and I love them dearly) (these are just all really cute it’s nice to see what they’re like outside of doing hero stuff)
- Todoroki’s “Midoriya Sense” (yes this is a fandom joke based on like the stain incident + noticing smth was up during the “heroes cry too” incident + Todoroki asking abt him before the cultural festival etc but it IS genuinely very sweet that Todoroki is always looking out for Midoriya and trying his best to help when he can)
- TODOROKI TELLING MIDORIYA TO REMOVE THE BATTERIES FROM HIS PHONE SO THE GOVERNMENT COULDNT TRACK HIM WHILE HE WAS ON THE RUN BC HE WAS A MURDER SUSPECT. Now I haven’t watched the third movie so I may be wrong about the details but it was VERY funny of Tdrk to be like “did you kill people??? Never mind that actually here’s how to avoid the government” (paraphrased for comedic effect)
-“Midoriya and the others” (cute, something Shouto says…several times lmao) (Izuku has also said “Todoroki and the others” at least once (in the first movie) but I’m not aware of it being a recurring phrase like “Midoriya and the others”)
#this is so varied in quality I’m sorry lmao. but I wrote this at like 4 am and I don’t feel like editing it#(…that much. I edited it a little bit)#tododeku#todomido#tddk#todoroki shouto#midoriya izuku#‘Julia this is basically every time they interacted’ well yes!!#its 2025. I’m barely even into bnha anymore. but I’m still insane about them.#also this post isn’t about iida BUT IT COULD BE. I COULD PUT HIM IN HERE TOO. TDIIMD MY BELOVED.#it killed me a little to not mention him that much bc this post is abt tdmd as a ship bc they r my. sighs. otp.#(I’m almost 23 years old it feels so dumb to use that word and yet)#(edit: oh shit I am 23 I left this in the drafts too long)#but tdiimd both as a ship and the hosu trio friendship is sooooooo important to me tdiimd are sooooooo important to each other#both bc they care abt each other as people and have been through a lot together and in how they’ve affected each other’s growth#(see: Tdrk inspiring iida to ‘be the hero you want to be’ after Mdya inspired him to do the same#& iida being the one to catch Mdya during the vigilante arc w/ help from Tdrk + 1a & repeating the ‘that’s what friends are for’ line)#(and don’t get me started on the iida/mdya/uraraka trio & how canonically important to each other they are.#or the shouchako friendship that exists mostly in my head. bc this post is about tdmd.)#(but it’s also important to me that you know Iida and Uraraka are so important to Midoriya and Todoroki and each other as well okay? okay??#sorry I have chronic ‘have to yap in the tags’ disease.#anyways to me tdmd is about:#1) the ways they parallel and contrast each other#2) their deep understanding of each other in a way that imo no other character really has#(and the ways that they DON’T understand each other despite all their similarities)#3) their ride-or-die nature that manifests in both grand dramatic gestures and tiny moments of support#oh yeah and how well they work together as a hero team is pretty cool too#anyways we’re freeing this from the drafts idc#I just need yall to know that I never moved on and likely never will
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if any of you actually liked or cared about me just a little you would board the Scostas train. i'm the conductor. its destination is hell but you don't need to dwell on that dude....like just enjoy the ride
#WEEDPOSTING#VERY VERY MUCH SO#I MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE CREATED YET ANOTHER SCENARIO IN MY HEAD TO CAUSE ME INSANITY AND DESPAIR AND WHICH MAKES ME GET MORE ANNOYING#BUT FR I'M CURRENTLY QUITE POSSIBLY IN THE WORST MOST DESPERATE AND HAZARDOUS STATE OUT OF ALL MY 30 YEARS WHICH UUHHHH SAYS A LOT#AND I'M BEING LEFT COMPLETELY ALONE IN MY HOME FOR 3 WEEKS WHEREIN I'M UNABLE TO BRUSH MY TEETH; LET ALONE TAKE A FUCKING SHOWER..#BUT THIS RPF SHIT?? THIS TERRIBLE MIDDLE-AGED-DUDE-CONCOCTION? THEE MAGICAL AND MOST SOOTHING BALM FOR MY (PRETTY FUCKING DAMAGED) BRAIN!!!#KETAMINE IV INFUSIONS AND KETAMINE NASAL SPRAY NO LONGER NECESSARY
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i dont think thats how u answer that question elle hjgkljg
#i dont know we dont think shes fully human but also she doesn't have any particularly non-human features?#she's got some magic shit going on... but also i still don't think wizard is a species lmao...#okay pfps left lets look see..#Deadsprint: difficult to nail down a physical form. we're all wind spirits but BY GOD ITS /THE MOST/ WIND SPIRIT? difficult...#Distance: tricky. distance forms in our reflections in glass or puddles. trying to design distance is hard hjlkgj#Hackles: literally just an explosion. we don't know how to give him a form besides that hjgklj...#Maestro: Hi‚ yes‚ me. The main one organizing this list. My design is not fit to my standards yet but in essence I am an object head.#Memorandum: we get mailman with a fish tail vibes from him for some reason hjglkj we're still trying to figure that one out#!!! damn only five left!!! LET'S GO!!!! so exciting! i'd love for all of us to have basic designs down before our one year anniversary :3#wawaw.. alright. we should bedtime again. we'll work on more shit tomorrow -w-#goodnight!! :> we love you all!!! <333
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I am re purpled and re undercutted but I also had my mom trim my hair and that was. A Mistake. It had a taper from the back to the front, the front was longer back shorter, and she was just supposed to make it not touch my shoulders anymore. She fucked up the taper and its too my chin now and I can just barely put most of it in a ponytail but bits fall out and that's very not ideal for my *food service job*. I also feel like the blueberry kid from the old charlie and the chocolate factory and I Dont like it
#she was half way through and apologizing. if she had fucked up the other side itd been whatever but#i part my haid kinda to the side and like to do a lil flip to the right thats more than the left and she did the right first#if the left was shorter i wouldnt care i would have my bang but thats not what happened#its just hair itll grow back but ough. will it grow back quick please i dont like it#'shave your head' my mom aldrwady doesn't like that i have an undercut and have her do my hair she would NOT do that for me and i dont have#the hand-space coordination to do that. my hand-eye coordination is fine but my hands are p m useless if i cant see#this is why i gave up on learning braids as my new years resolution whenever that was and just chopped my hair shorter#i can do a 3 strand braid on like yarn. as soon as its on my head where i cant see it all falls apart#anyway im just ranting ill be fine to let it grow out i just need to learn how to rangle it until then :[
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i will never forget the time I was hanging out with two other people who were new friends and they were like "let's do a sonic fandub" and one of them started looking up sonic game footage on youtube for us to dub while we discussed who would speak for who and we decided I'd voice tails. But also I knew nothing about sonic at the time, i'd only seen the snapcube fandubs because I'd heard they were good and funny, I didn't know the plot or characters very well. I couldn't remember what they sounded like so while the other two started to say silly things in sonic and amy's voices I asked "what does tails sound like again?" And I was laughing because I was embarrassed and also shocked by how quickly they had started commiting to the bit of trying to do some voice acting and my friend just said "he sounds like a twink" and I could not stop laughing and I could not take the idea seriously and I just told them that I couldn't do the voice oops. And so we moved onto a different topic pretty quickly and just enjoyed the pizza we had while we waited for our other three friends to get back from the store
anyways all of this is to say that Tails is NOT a twink, he is an 8 year old little boy and my friend was misguided.
#Can you tell that I'm mentally unwell and also that I had a falling out with these friends and also that I miss them dearly#I actually went to see the sonic 3 movie today on christmas day and I saw a group of people that I know- one guy in the group was one of#The three that was at the store while we were doing the dub. I had a falling out with all five of those friends after that.#That day was really great. It was like a year ago now. I feel like that was the first time where I was really vulnerable with friends#And I had never been so honest about my interests and thoughts before with a group of people and it. It was nice. But after that day it...#I think it was all my fault. Or at least mostly my fault. I was honest with them but no one else#So I couldn't accept the truth of myself and I wasn't ready for everyone i know to know me that way so I tried to hide it and ignore it#And in doing so I stopped being honest with them and I started avoiding them. And I regret it. I could have just been a weirdo with them#I could have spent every tuesday afternoon hanging out and talking about life with them over pizza. But instead I ran away.#And of course they kept asking about me and wondering why I was being weird but I couldn't face it. And I kept running away#And they kept trying to chase after me. I even left for like two months and completely went no contact and no explanation#But then I came back because I had nowhere else to go and it... it was so awkward. It was too much. And now I'm overthinking#everything. I was so jealous of them. All of them. And when I got to be friend with them it was too much for me. My brain couldn't accept i#I'm not allowed to be happy unless it's in secret. That's what my brain thinks#That's the mantra I've been living by recently. For like the past 3-5 years. That's just how I was raised I suppose#Um. Oops I ranted too much in the tags. Sorry if you read all of this. But also thank you if you did. I hope you're well#Rant in tags#rant#personal#Why is this literally just my journal. Goodness gracious#I'm so sorry. Everything I post here is like completely dumb and irrelevant and stupid and pointless and matters very little.#I am just mentally unwell and I can barely think clearly. I am sorry. I hope you look elsewhere for actually important or meaningful words#Dang I just had a dramatic soundtrack melody start playing in my head but I have no idea where this song is from or what it's called. Damn
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my head hurts (potentially on account of the psychic damage) (potentially on account of being hit with metaphorical hammers) (potentially because of. the autism)
#aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah#there is just so much in my head right now guys#i am offline . i am. <- lying to myself#ON THE POSIITVE SIDE. i am having much calmer days since being at my grandmas house#which is strange because all i have been doing is babysitting 5 kids under 6#but they're lovely. and tiny. TINY!!!#little tiny. oh my god have any of you lifted a 2 year old#she's like. she's like 3 bags of sugar. she's lighter than 3 bags of sugar#she's TINY. she knows the word blue and ok and that's IT. but she's so small....#and then my other cousin is so much bigger but loves me and loves my brother like a bit more ??? but i play with her more#so. i get more of it. she's 4 and i love her to pieces. kisses her forever. she's adorable#and then there's my other cousin who is like 4 and a half. and then my other cousin who is 5? 6? and the Other one who is also 6#the 2 boys mostly played by themselves but i was hanging with the under 5s and mostly with the 2 year old#but when she left i was with the 4 year old. i have a lot of cousins guys#ok so my first cousins are 4 and 6 and my second cousins are 2 and 4 and 6 . yay :)#last time i was here the 2 year old was like. a baby baby and didn't really let go of her mum#but this time she's been so chill it's so cute and did i mention she's TINY. i waited a bit for her to like me before picking her up#but when i did i couldn't stop i was just like wow you're so little babygirl. and she went !!!#anyway . it's bedtime now
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holy shit, huge win today as I sat down to try and figure out why I couldn't get my first head morph edit to work correctly after a whole year and I solved every problem there could have been 😭😭😭
#THERE WAS LIKE 8 CODING ERRORS ASDFGHJKL#literally losing my mind trying to figure out why the game was reading a whole separate path to my hmvy file and it turns out it was coming#from a whole different mod I attempted to make the head compatible with eotb mod#LIKE I KNEW EVERYTHING WAS CORRECT BUT IT STILL WOULDN'T WORK#mfer all I had to do was delete the separate attempted mod file#HOLY SHIT GUYS I MIGHT BE ABLE TO PLAY BG3 SOON#I have my custom armour and casual gear all set#half-assing a hair mod but just using the stellar mod + custom fringe mod#might clean up my body texture file a little bit more#but I think all I have left is to figure out how to make an eye mod < 3#holy shit this has taken me like 2 years to complete#but hey I learned how to mod
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God, this is fucking crazy
So i only have 3 more classes to take, but it'll cost the same to take 3 classes as 4 classes. So I've been thinking about taking a 4th class just for the hell of it. Something fun and/or easy.
Out of curiosity, I looked up orchestras. I was in it in my first year, but I haven't consistently played since 2016. But I still dream about being in an orchestra again. I *miss it*. So I was like. Well, what if *that* was my 4th class next semester? What If?
I looked it up. This week is the last week they're doing auditions for it. There was only one more spot free after today. And that's *tomorrow evening*.
I haven't really played my violin much in YEARS. I'm so out of practice. But apparently they don't reject anyone outright. Auditions are just for placement. So worst case scenario, I get placed in an orchestra at a lower skill level than I was at my prime. It'd still be an orchestra.
It's crazy short notice, but I don't think I'd forgive myself if I passed it up. Bc I have just one more semester before I graduate. One last opportunity to be in a school orchestra. And if I didn't do this, I'd be left with that What If forever.
So. Crazy short notice, but I have a violin audition tomorrow!!! Hahahaha
#speculation nation#im literally shaking with nerves rn but i want this so so so badly#i remember. how to play. my arms are just so much stiffer than they used to be. and my nails. man im gonna have to trim my fucking nails#at least my left hand. kinda sucks bc i like the polish i have on rn but u cant have any long nail at all for violin.#i need to play two scales of my choosing. ascending and descending in three octaves.#recommended for violin is A C or E-flat major. of course i know A and C but i'd have to look up E-flat. never did much with flats in school#then again i have that One Two Three and a Half rhythm Down. thats how id often warm myself up.#start with the base G string and just do a scale up and down (one octave). go up to the next note. do it again.#again and again until i started running out of room on the E string. & if i was Real motivated maybe id start shifting to continue.#so all id need to do is find the E flat and id be good. it all follows the same pattern.#the harder challenge will be the solo or etude. 2-3 minutes in length. only *one day* to prepare.#i have NO IDEA what id even play. i'll look in my old sheet music to see if theres anything that might work#simple enough for me to relearn on such short notice. and interesting enough to be played solo#(since i was always in orchestras it's not always the best for solo playing. tho i was also first violin section a lot#which is Basically the same as playing solo lmaooo)#if i cant find anything i do have a few sheet music books i could look in. id hate to play smth too simple#but better simple and Right than trying to do something above my current skill level.#which IRKS ME bc once upon a time i was the 4th best violinist in my high school. out of nearly 2k students.#but thats what happens when u go years without consistent practice :p ur arm gets Stiff.#im. still nervous but also thinking about the music is making me EXCITED.#it's going to be a wild time prepping for this thing but itll be over in like 5 mins and i dont even have to worry about Passing#so long as i *do it* i should get into something. i just need to push myself. do it. get out there. *play your violin*#i already cried in a public bathroom for 10 mins today and im feeling emotional Again.#not quite crying emotional tho thankfully. just. i feel like i need to climb onto a rooftop and SCREAM!!!! but like in a good way.#so so so nervous but itll be so so so worth it. i could be in an orchestra again. finally. finally finally finally.#and i STILL NEED TO FINISH THIS ASSIGNMENT.....!!!! hfkahfks today has been. a DAY.#just. keeps going through my head. i could be in an orchestra again. i could be in an orchestra again. at least one more time.
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read the scratch upd8. little too close to home
#tw vent#in tags at least#when i was reading hs like 3 ish years ago i related a lot to vriska and terezi cause i was in what i think was a really destructive#friendship qpp thing with my best friend online and a boy who liked both of us but mostly her.i was incredibly isolated irl as was my friend#and all my other online friends. i really should have seen that something bad could happen but i didnt and i got into a really deep#depression for like 3 months after but. my dearest friend girl decided to start befriending a 30 yo man and i. like an idiot. followed her#like a lovesick puppy even though all the warning bells were going off. we were in a gc with him that we texted in at all times of the day &#night and we shared selfies and dreams and our daily problems with isolation or hw or whatever. he got more and more creepy and my dearest#friend lashed out at him because she was scared while i sort of stopped talking as much because i was scared but. he still talked to me lots#in dms. he talked shit about the authority figures in our lives and isolated us from our ither online friends he made creepy picrews of me &#my friend getting married and he talked about moving in with us one day. we blocked him but sometimes he still tries to contact me. after it#blew up my friend left me and discord which is probably best and after my depression time i eventually got an irl friend or two but. i never#got over it. he did it to other people too we found out later. he always complimented me on being so sharp and talented and it was nice caus#it was really my first compliment from an adult who wasnt my family and. ig it got to my 14 yo head. anyways. the update made me cry. i had#read that it was bad and knew it would be bad for me specifically cause doc scratch always reminds me of that time in my life but. i didnt#think it would be that bad. i dont blame hs2 creators or anyone else and ig im glad i braved the storm but it was really painful to read#gonna go watch a more light hearted thing now.#if anyone sees this dw ill get over it#anyways. believe the warnings this update is very triggering and you can skip it if you want#glad i have like 5 followers rip
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#you know this is my third loss within the last few years where grief finds me in the middle of a hyperfixation#and maybe it's an unhealthy coping mechanism but im approaching 3 years of sobriety and my emotions truly arent what they used to be#as you dont rly have that outlet anymore and everything feels so dull so maybe you react more level-headed than before#(or maybe you just cant get the emotions out so you just repress them subconsciously)#but im truly avoiding any media/events that are inherently sad (wanted to watch click (2006) but realised it'll quite literally kill me)#so all there's left is your fixations that have always brought joy but now feel more like a solace than ever before#it's safe it's peaceful it somehow soothes the ugly roots of grief that try to take place in ur heart; stoppin them from developing further#so apologies if i seem all over the place. we laid our nana to rest today and there's only so much a girl can handle
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hmmmmmm.................vent post under tags...... feel free to give advice or dont¯\_(ツ)_/¯
#i think this is an autism related thing#but i genuinely feel like i wasnt made right for the world we live in#like something is just missing from me that ive never seen ppl talk about#and i know this is going to sound entitled and privileged and i KNOW i know i promise and im so lucky i can even be thinking about this but#it feels weird to have the privilege to be scared#this is specifically in regards to working#like having a job. like going to work#i feel like im missing an extremely important part of my brain or my BEING that is capable ot going through the motions of participating#in society. i never felt that switch of wanting to get a job in high school to make money for myself and get that experience#i feel like there's something i MISSED where everyone took a class on how to apply and go to interviews and write resumes and not be scared#like i NEED to be walked through every SINGLE step because i dont know HOW#and i see my peers and the literal entire world around me participating in this atmosphere and i dont know where to start#im fucking twenty three years old and ive only ever been an intern and an assistant#not even a full year of working#i cant drive and i probably wont ever because thats a whole other can of worms#and that means i have to rely on other people to even get to wherever it was i needed to go#i feel like a fucking child because im missing this knowledge that everyone else seems to have#ive tried i really have but none of it seems simple and its all so much and there arent steps to follow#i mean there ARE but its like 1) look up job 2) apply 3) interview 4) yay you're employed#and im talking about each micro step inbetween#what am i missing#and then theres the fucking demand avoidance that slaps me across the face whenever my mom brings it up to me like i KNOW youre being#supportive and encouraging and its not your fault my brain turns off and decides im full of shame bc i cant CONFRONT ANYTHING#jesus christ#manf i know u can see this maybe dont bring it up to mom i can do that on my own maybe#i WANT to help i just want to help at my own pace but unfortunately the world isnt built around individual paces and nothing revolves#around me. i know this#i want to help my mom i want her to never be stressed about money and to retire and never work or help me pay my student loans but i#genuinely feel like theres a switch that never turned on in my head and im being left behind and i genuinely dont know how to. like be alive
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