#they grossed me out the first time i watched but now im just envious

[shittywriterbrain]

oh to be one of the decomposing bodies in amuse-bouche

[mybiasisexo]

The Wedding

Genre: Angst | Exlovers!au (is that even a real au???) | Enemies to Lovers

Pairing: Chanyeol x Reader

Length: 7.8k

Warning: Unfinished | Language | Funny AF (im sorry its prob not even funny :/)

Summary: Your good friend, Kim Junmyeon, is getting married, and with that news comes a lot of old history with a certain ex that will be present at said wedding--yike

Author’s Note: Let me just tell yall I am sO EXCITED ABOUT THIS FIC!!!! its a WIP and like, in 2016 I started it for Jackson Wang lmaoo. But then I left the fandom and it sat dusty in my document file, just waiting to be continued. So I was like, ‘hey, I should turn it into a Suho fic!’ but halfway into changing the characters I realized this isn't for Suho. Then it clicked!!! Park Chanyeol!!! So, that’s what's going on there. Have no idea when I’ll post, but it’s gonna be juicy, so just enjoy this lil tidbit mmkay??? (also def not going to name the fic The Wedding cause ew? but I can’t think of a title just yet so that's what im stuck with :/ Also also, I really fucking love Park Chanyeol like its gross ://)

NOW AN ONGOING SERIES

MASTERLIST

credit

“You’ve been staring at that sheet of paper for days now,” Kang Seulgi, your best friend, points out. She sits beside you at your pale wooden dining table, hands curling around the warmth of a mug she presses to the pout of her mouth. If you weren’t so busy staring at the elegant announcement currently clutched in your hands, you would have caught the judging lift of her eyebrow.

That being said, you do catch the amusement in her tone.

Biting your lip, you run a finger gently over the thick white parchment. In a dazzling gold script reads, “because you have shared in our lives and supported our love, we, Im Nayeon & Kim Junmyeon, invite you to our wedding….” Above the words is a picture of the before mentioned, smiling sickeningly dotingly at one another as their noses touch, arms wound around each other like the band around her pretty left ring finger.

You feel like you are going to be sick.

“Have you RSVP’d yet?” Seulgi asks, oblivious to your inner turmoil. She swirls her spoon around her drink, the metal drags agonizingly against the bottom of her glass.

Her words finally yank you out of your haze, away from the invite that has been haunting you for days now.

“I will,” you answer simply.

She scoffs, rolling her eyes for extra measure. Leaning forward, she places her cursed cup down, focusing on you. “Honey, the wedding is in a couple weeks. You need to RSVP now before he starts harassing. I’m honestly surprised he hasn’t yet.”

You wince, knowing Junmyeon well enough to know it is only a matter of time before he does just that.

“Do you want me to do it for you?” She asks gently with a reassuring tilt of her head. She reaches for your hand, patting it comfortingly.

“Please?” You rasp, relief evident in your voice. She laughs prettily and you pout at her mocking your evident distress.

“Who knew you hated weddings.” She shakes her head before pulling out her phone, typing away.

You release a slow breath through your tense teeth and give into the temptation to peek at the invite laying on the table haphazardly. Drawn as though it was the moon gravitationally pulling your waves to Nayeon and Junmyeon’s obvious love for one another.

No. You don’t hate weddings.

You just hate that yours wasn’t first.

You wouldn’t label yourself a bitter person.

But ever since you received the rather abrupt news of the wedding, you have been fully consumed with bitterness.

Three years ago, you were planning your wedding.

You had a wonderful man in your life who you were mere months away from calling your husband. All of your friends were envious of the relationship you had and were all undeniably sure that the two of you were, not only meant to be, but would spend the rest of your lives together.

But, unfortunately, life doesn’t work out that way.

Three years later, and you now watch as one of your friends takes that dream and makes it their own.

You’re happy for Junmyeon, really truly are, but his wedding is a grim reminder of your failure, only leaving you with this unanswered question:

Where did you go wrong?

~*~

“All packed?” Seulgi asks.

You nod, dragging your unreasonably overpacked suitcase into the living room of your shared Seoul apartment.

“Thank god we’re not that close to Nayeon,” Seulgi muses. “We get to wear our own dresses.”

“And get to spend more time on the beach.” The both of you cackle. Neither one of you dislike the girl, although in the five years you have known her due to Junmyeon, you haven’t really formed a bond any stronger than being acquainted. You always assumed she was probably intimidated by the fact you both were female and close to her boyfriend, bringing out that strange sense of competition, or boundaries, keeping you all from growing closer despite efforts made. She has a particular distaste for Seulgi, what with her being Junmyeon’s ex and all.

The term “ex” didn’t really fit what she is to him. More like a routine fling throughout college that fizzled out the moment he met Nayeon. The two were never official—although, you are sure, she wouldn’t have minded had they been.

“Speaking of people being in the wedding.” You sober. Seulgi, who is leaning against her just as overstuffed suitcase stiffens at your tone, expectantly waiting for you to reveal the one thought that has been eating you alive since you had received the invitation. “Chanyeol will probably be there, huh?”

The color instantly drains out of your best friend’s face. Speaking of exes….

“I didn’t even think of that!” She yells, covering her face with her hands before walking over to you in a hurry. She pulls your hands into her now clammy ones, holding them tightly. “It won’t be a big deal, right? It’s been three years! Plus, I heard he gained a lot of weight since his time abroad—you know how they like their greasy food there. Nothing to worry about! You look fantastic.”

Tears prick at your eyes as you swallow the growing lump in your throat. Three years… and now you will have to confront the biggest regret in your life.

“You’re right,” you push through the ball of tears as positively as you could muster. “We’ve had time to move on. We can be adults about this. I’m fine!”

Your voice cracks at the end and you clear your throat to make room past the burning sensation.

“You’re more than fine,” Seulgi reassures, swaying your connected hands. “You’re successful and sexy and rich! He’s not worthy of the bottom of your heels.”

You hug her tightly, laughing at her attempt to cheer you up.

Once separated, you take a calming breath and attempt to smile. “Let’s get this show on the road.”

Your taxi arrives and you both wobble your luggage into the vehicle. Seulgi gives the driver the address to the ferry and you give her a quizzical look.

“Isn’t Yerim coming?” You ask, voice quiet to keep your conversation private.

“Not anymore. The little sis apparently has a date.” She throws you a conspiringly smile.

“Oh, so she ditched us for a man?” You falsely pout. You didn’t mind what Yerim was doing, as long as she was going to be there.

You aren’t going to lie to yourself, the closer you both get to the destination, the more your apprehension dims as excitement takes it place.

The wedding is going to be held at one of Junmyeon’s father’s swanky hotels on a beach at Jeju Island. You all had spent a spring break there your junior year and it was magical—for many reasons.

Despite the bittersweet memories, you are looking forward to being around beautiful scenery and old friends. Life, as always, gets in the way, and it has been a while since the whole gang has been able to spend some quality time together.

You all missed each other so much, you turned the event into an excuse to have a vacation, just the old gang, well, minus Junmyeon since he’ll be on his honeymoon, although he was able to pull some strings to cheapen your rooms so that you could all stay longer.

That’s all Seulgi and you can talk about on the ferry as you enjoy the cool early autumn breeze on your face, chilly from the little sharp droplets of water. You all had a full itinerary and the week was full of expectation.

You finally arrive to the island and hail another taxi to get you to the vaguely familiar hotel.

You whistled lowly as you craned your neck, blocking the sun with your hand as you take in the hovering Greek inspired hotel.

“It’s bigger than I remember.”

“That’s what she said,” Seulgi replies instantly, almost robotically as she squints up at your current home.

Her words make you shake your head. “We’re not even with the guys yet and they’re already rubbing off on you.”

She winces, catching what she just said. “Old habits?”

You both laugh and head inside, checking in easily. You can’t help but glance around every few minutes. One, because, holy shit this place is beautiful, all whites and golds and pillars and painted sceneries on the ceilings, it’s something straight from a fairytale. Two, because, you’re keeping an eye out for familiar faces.

Your room is on the sixth floor and your jaw drops at the luxuriousness that is your shared room.

“This is bigger than our apartment,” Seulgi states in awe. You agree with a nod, taking in the gentle fabrics on your bed and the rainforest showerheads—yes, heads, plural, there’s three to be exact—and the floor-to-ceiling windows that open up the back wall of the living quarters, revealing a tranquil scene of the beach you are going to undoubtedly be spending majority of this trip at, hopefully intoxicated.

You both don’t have too much time to gander, dinner is at seven and it is past four.

The wedding, being from a more high-class family, will be running a bit differently than the typical kind. Because there are so many people invited, there will be, what has been deemed, a pre-ception party. It’s a mixer of sorts, where everyone invited will be able to meet one another as well as the husband and bride to be.

It sounds a tad strange to you, but you can’t judge them too much, knowing all too well how much rich people love their professional parties.

This is just day one of the three-day event that is Kim Junmyeon’s wedding.

Tomorrow, for those involved, will be the rehearsal, as well as the bachelor and bachelorette parties, with the following day being D-day.

Your other best friend, and best man to the groom, Oh Sehun, has been texting you nonstop the past couple days, keeping you informed on all that is Junmyeon’s big day. He didn’t want to outwardly lead it on, but you gathered just how happy he was for his other best friend as well as being such an important role in such a big event.

Making this a reunion trip was also his idea.

You are nearly a hundred percent positive Chanyeol is going to be in that group, but have been trying to ignore it and remain optimistic for Sehun’s sake.

After getting ready, you head down to the ballroom where the dinner is being held. It’s just as beautiful as the rest of the hotel. The walls are painted gold and tan with arched windows that show the glow of the sunset ahead. A string quartet sit in the corner and the entire back wall across from the entrance is lined with rectangular tables covered in food. Twenty or so round tables dot the rest of the floor with one more rectangular table on the far right where the future bride and groom sat with their families.

It is preoccupied by at least thirty people, and you’re glad you decided on the olive-green floor-length silk dress that fell off your shoulders elegantly. Everyone in the room is of higher class and you know ‘cheap’ is a word none of them have heard in decades, if ever.

“We should quickly get our food and grab a table before they all fill up,” you suggest. You both bolt for the food, piling your plates high. Once content, Seulgi runs for the closest empty table, while you snatch two enormous unopened bottles of red wine, lord knows you’re going to need them.

Junmyeon and Nayeon stand in front of the table at the head of the room. Junmyeon is glowing, it’s the only way to describe the smile on his face as he embraces everyone that approaches him. As you watch, his gaze is drawn over to you, locking eyes. You jump, startled, and he chuckles before motioning for the both of you to come over.

“Junmyeon spotted us,” you inform Seulgi, who is slurping down an oyster. She nearly chokes. You pat her back a few times as she chugs some wine straight from the bottle.

“Alright, let’s go,” she coughs, rushing over to the star couple.

Junmyeon practically cheers your names at your presence. “Thank you for showing! I know it’s quite a distance from Seoul.”

He pulls Seulgi in first and you try not to study Nayeon’s reaction. You do catch her smile falter some before they separate. Junmyeon goes after you next, arms wrapping tightly around your shoulders, swaying you both before letting go.

“It’s so good to see you guys!” He continues in that gentle-like voice of his.

“Likewise,” you answer earnestly. It had been a long while since you last saw your friend. “Congrats on taking the plunge.”

“Thank you,” Nayeon says, wrapping an arm around Junmyeon’s waist. He tucks her under his arm and kisses her hair and you realize neither one of you have acknowledged her.

“Can you believe it? I’m getting married!”

“You are!” Seulgi cheers, a bit too excitedly.

“You were probably the most against it amongst us all,” you reveal, nudging his free arm and he laughs good-naturally.

“Yeah, but love can change your mind on a lot of things.”

You smile at his words, trying, as always, to not make this moment about you. It isn’t about you, not right now.

“So, where is the rest of the gang?” You ask, needing to change the subject. “I was sure Sehun would be here by now.”

“He’s here somewhere. I know that most of them just checked in, so they’ll be coming down a bit later.”

“Alright, well, if you see them let them know we’re here! We won’t keep you any longer.”

“Thanks again for coming,” Nayeon says as Seulgi and you retreat back to your discarded meals.

You pause once you see a broad figure in the seat next to yours.

“I knew it was your table because who else would have that much food on one plate? Not to mention the wine.”

You scowl and fold your arms. “Don’t be jealous we have fast metabolisms, Sehun.”

He laughs drily and meets your gaze through the dark strands of his bangs with mocking eyes. “Don’t flatter yourself, Love. You’re not as young as you used to be.”

You scoff and he breaks, laughing his signature laugh that can only be compared to a monkey’s, he at least tries to cover his mouth with his hand as his shoulders shake. You fight the urge to throw something at him.

“Are you going to insult me all night or are you going to give me a hug, asshole?”

He swiftly gets up from his seat, his long lanky body hovering over you as he draws you into a much-needed comforting hug.

“God, it feels so great to see you,” he gushes lowly into your hair before pulling away.

“I miss you every day,” you reply, not needing to say anything else for him to know what you mean.

Sehun moved outside of Seoul for his job a year ago and since then, you have only seen each other twice in person. It feels good to be around him again, he’s the big brother you’ve always wanted. He was always protective of you and for such a stoic individual, he opened up to you rather quickly, allowing you in during a time in his life when that wasn’t as easy for him to do. You did the same, and it brought one of the most meaningful friendships you’ve ever had.

He goes to greet Seulgi before heading over to the buffet with you trailing after him as he makes a plate, teasing him the whole time before returning to the table to finally begin eating.

“Can you believe he’s actually getting married?” Sehun asks, voice light in mild disbelief.

“It was definitely unexpected,” Seulgi chimes.

“He’s growing up,” Sehun, who is three years younger than the groom, sniffs. You rub his back comfortingly.

“He looks so happy,” Seulgi continues, attention given to the man of the hour. “I hope to one day be that happy.”

“Goals!” Sehun cheers sarcastically, causing Seulgi to cut her eyes to him.

“Shut up! I’m being serious!”

“I know you are.” He takes a bite and chews it thoughtfully, leaning back into his seat. “But you’re right. He’s, like, the happiest a person can get.”

“It makes me want to throw up,” you mutter, tasting that familiar sour sting of bitterness on your breath. Sehun glances over at you in concern, catching your words despite yourself, but doesn’t acknowledge it, instead continues eating.

A loud raucous gains the attention of all the attendees and you catch three guys colliding into a server carrying around a tray of flutes of champagne. Everyone and thing go crashing to the floor in a not so subtle entrance.

“I don’t know them,” Seulgi declares, shielding her face from the train wreck unfolding to save herself the second-hand embarrassment. The boys try to get back to their feet, but it takes time as they slip on the expensive liquid, legs tangling together as they try to save face.

Now is the perfect time to take pleasure in your friends’ mortification.

“Baekhyun!” Junmyeon hisses. “Jongdae! Jongin! What are you doing?”

The three—finally off the ground and bowing profusely to everyone around them—turn beet red as they approach Junmyeon with tails tucked between legs.

Your laughing only intensifies. Baekhyun hears it and immediately turns his head to glare at you. You’re mildly impressed by how easily he finds you, but then realize that’s pretty fucking hilarious as well and double over, stomach knotting almost painfully as you work it out with humor.

Junmyeon pulls them to the side and reprimands them quietly for a minute before sending them off. They trudge over to your table, inhabiting the majority of the empty seats.

“Well, that’s one way to make an entrance,” Sehun states. Jongdae throws his upper body on the table, arms sprawled out. His fingers nearly touch your food and you pull it protectively to yourself as he whines loudly.

“Jongdae stopped abruptly and we were too close behind him,” Jongin explains with a pout on his little lips and you’re instantly filled with pity towards the man. Jongin out of all people didn’t deserve that.

Sehun shakes his head. “I would say something, but it seems Junmyeon beat me to the punch.”

“He told us not to embarrass him further, or we’re out of the wedding,” Jongdae informs at the same time Baekhyun orders Sehun to ‘respect his hyungs’, before going for Seulgi’s bottle to pour himself a glass. She watches in dismay, not enjoying the fact that she’s now apparently sharing it.

As surprising as it sounds, both Baekhyun and Jongdae are the eldest friends you had in college, alongside Junmyeon and one other. Despite their age, they often acted like the children, getting you guys kicked out of many places with their loud shenanigans. Jongin is the same age as you, Seulgi, and Sehun. How he ended up with those two crackheads this day was beyond you, though you’re sending your regards.

“Are you hungry?” You ask him. He sits on Sehun’s right, but that doesn’t stop you from stretching out some noodles from your plate, drawing it to his face before he can even answer you. He smiles gratefully before taking a bite, humming in gratitude, and you have to resist the urge to coo at him. It’s actually hilarious because he’s a whole ass model! His nickname in school was Adonis, because, well, he’s beautiful. When you first met him, not going to lie, you had a crush on him, but the more you got to know the gentle, soft, teddy bear, the more your maternal side came out. Now, he was just a very well sculpted baby in your eyes.

“Where’s my bite?” Jongdae asks. Jongdae is an interesting character. As previously stated, him, Baekhyun, and—fine, no need to beat around the bush—Chanyeol were wild and free and lived without any boundaries. Yet, despite him being loud and always down for a good time, he was brilliant—one of your smartest friends—and observant. He loved fiercely and was always aware of his surroundings.

You shrug. “Make your own plate.”

“You’re mean!” He whines.

“You’ll give me a bite, won’t you, sweetheart?” Baekhyun tries his luck, tilting his head flirtatiously. Baekhyun was the mood setter. He has such a magnetic personality and can become friends with anyone and thing. You swear he was on a first name basis with all the professors—even ones he didn’t have. He is so funny, can leave you in stitches with a simple facial expression, and got off on making others happy. Despite being a social butterfly, he kept you all close, and made sure to let you all know that you were his family.

You don’t even spare him a look as you point in the direction of the buffet. You hear him tisk disapprovingly before Jongdae is smacking his shoulder, pulling him up so that the two of them can follow your instructions. Jongin scrambles after them once realizing they didn’t invite him and you chuckle to yourself as they try to shove him away, claiming that you can just feed him.

Nearly instantly, the seat Baekhyun was previously occupying beside Seulgi’s other side is taken.

“Yerim!” Seulgi shrieks, throwing her arms around her sister.

“Nice of you to finally show up,” you say, narrowing your eyes at her accusingly.

She has the gull to blush and grow shy. “I know, I know. We we’re supposed to go together.”

“Yeah, but I get the news that you found someone else to go with? And some boy, no less!” You place a hand over your chest. “I’m hurt.”

“He’s not ‘some boy’.” She rolls her eyes before perking up. “He’s a man.”

“Oh, you look absolutely smitten!” Seulgi purrs. Yerim’s cheeks flare once more and you realize that she does, indeed, seem to like this guy, even though this was the first time you’ve heard about him.

Yerim is four years younger than you and Seulgi, and despite knowing Seulgi throughout all four years of college and meeting her family a few times during that time, you didn’t really grow close to Yerim until her sister became your roommate. She spent an awful amount of time in your condo, and you now considered her a sister of your own. She isn’t very familiar with your college friends, because once she was introduced you all had kind of went your separate ways, but you and Seulgi thought it would be nice for her to come out to Jeju Island and meet the boys. That is one reason why you are kind of confused as to how she was able to, not only come here without you two, but bring a date as well.

“Well,” you begin, voice higher than usual. There was too much successful relationships going on around you lately. “Where is he?”

“He should be coming down soon. Have you all said hello to Junmyeon yet?”

“Yeah. Still in shock this is actually happening,” Sehun reveals.

You pinch the skin below his elbow, the closest skin you can access with his black button-down sleeves rolled up to his bicep and he yelps. “Nope. It’s real, bro.”

He ruffles your hair in retaliation and you allow it because he’s letting you off easy.

He gives his attention back to the newcomer as the three stooges rejoin, leaving two empty seats. “I’m Sehun, by the way. You’re Seulgi’s sister?”

She smiles politely and shakes his hand. “I’m the prettier sister I know, you can tell her.”

He’s visibly taken aback by her words, not expecting them, for Seulgi would never say something like that, but it’s only a second before he’s smirking, nodding appreciatively. “It’s nice to finally meet you.”

She introduces herself to the other guys who do the same in return and you’re all chatting when a familiar voice chills your blood. “There you are!”

The body that belongs to the voice easily slides into the seat next to Yerim. “You saved me a seat.”

“Of course, I did, Honey.” She rests her much smaller hand over his that rests on her bare shoulder and you think you might’ve blacked out for a second.

The whole table goes silent as the newcomer finally checks out who he’s sat with.

Once you lock eyes, the color drains completely out of his face and the fear you feel reflects deep within his irises.

It is him.

Park Chanyeol.

~*~

It appears Chanyeol is in a predicament.

Yerim doesn’t seem to be able to feel the tension that just trapped the table as she proceeds to introduce him to everyone, oblivious to the fact there is no need for introduction. He sits there awkwardly, politely nodding his head, his lips rolling onto each other, stretched into a thin line as he gently pulls on his earlobe. Nervous ticks you remember all too well. Actually, the last time you saw him doing that was….

No. Now is definitely not the time to be walking down that particular lane of memory.

Instead, you absorb the present, taking a sick joy in how uncomfortable the six-foot giant is now that he’s weighing his options on how to approach the new situation he finds himself in. He can, one, pretend he has no recollection of the people he spent the most time in college with. Or, two, confess that he indeed knows all of you. Some—yourself—a lot more than others. You somehow think he might not want to disclose that particular tidbit of information to his current girlfriend who just so happens to be his ex fiancee’s best friend’s little sister. He doesn’t know that just yet.

“It’s nice to meet you,” he finally goes with, avoiding any kind of eye contact.

Sehun barks a dry laugh and you pick up the untouched bottle of wine in front of you, chugging the thing damn near empty. When you pull away, Chanyeol’s taking you in with concern, but averts his gaze when you meet it.

“So, uh,” Seulgi scrambles to change the atmosphere. “How did you meet?”

“Oh! It was straight from a K-drama!” Yerim gushes. You think you’re smiling, but it might be a grimace. Your eyes snap to Sehun to share a Look, but he’s too busy watching Chanyeol with narrowed eyes to notice. “You know how I work at that café? Well, turns out it’s right next to Loey’s studio! He’d always come in and order an Americano. After some time, we started talking and sparks flew! The wedding got brought up, and we realized we were both going, so decided to come here together.” She now turns her head to give her attention to Chanyeol, who has an arm thrown lazily on the back of her chair, turned towards her and he catches the movement, raising his eyebrows attentively and you nearly chuckle, realizing he hadn’t heard a word she just said. He smiles back at her though, albeit confused. “It was perfect.”

“Too perfect,” you slip. Chanyeol glances at you, a question in his eyes, and you try not to think about how fucking handsome he still is.

Didn’t Seulgi say he got fat?

Well, there isn’t an ounce of it from what you can see from his form-fitting—possibly, most likely, tailor-made—navy blue button down that molds deliciously over his firm arms and chest. It takes everything within you not to reach over and cop a feel, see if his skin is as smooth as you remember it to be.

Yeah, maybe too much wine?

“I told you, it’s like a kdrama!” Yerim continues, not catching your sarcasm in the slightest. She rambles on about the two of them, but you’re too focused on studying your ex, ignoring all the red alerts your mind has going off in an effort to get you to stop, adamant on how bad an idea it is.

His hair is a light brown, lighter than it was the last time you saw him, and is falling over his forehead, shiny and fluffy and soft. His face actually appears sharper, skinnier in some parts that leave you slightly concerned, wondering briefly if he has been eating well. You shake the emotion off quickly, not wanting to retreat back to old habits, not yet. His skin glows under the golden yellow lights as he laughs at something Yerim says and you nearly moan when he throws his head back, exposing his thick strong neck to you. God, you love his neck. He replies to her remark, but all you register is his deep baritone and grow misty eyed as nostalgia weighs heavy on your heart.

He is exactly the same, yet utterly different.

You hate it.

“So, Loey.” Baekhyun, Chanyeol’s best friend that’s sitting beside him, stresses the name. Loey is Chanyeol’s producer alias, but also the name he gives to those who aren’t very close. You fight the smile threatening to break out at how uncomfortable your friends are going to try to make him.

It’s what he deserves.

“What is it you do for a living?”

Chanyeol takes the time to pull away from Yerim, turning so that he is sitting straight in his chair, able to meet everyone’s gaze. He’s stalling, you’re sure, but he also struggles to not roll his eyes, knowing you all well enough to know damn well what game you are playing at. “I’m a music producer.”

The whole table ‘ohs’ dramatically. Jongin throws in a ‘that name sounds familiar, I wonder if I’ve heard any of your stuff’ for good measure and you nearly break. The table’s response actually does draw an eye roll from him.

“You guys haven’t cha—” He chokes on his words and Yerim doesn’t hesitate to give him a cup of water randomly at the table.

“Haven’t what?” Jongdae asks with an eyebrow raised challengingly.

Chanyeol’s gaze is steady as he comes up with a quick cover. “You haven’t told me how you all know Junmyeon.”

“We all went to college together,” Sehun answers easily. “Isn’t that how you know him? Loey?”

Chanyeol’s jaw ticks, and you watch, completely entranced by the show.

“Indeed,” he reveals through gritted teeth.

Yerim gasps. “You went to the same college as my sister?”

“Your sister?” Chanyeol asks, eyes wandering from Yerim to the now similar featured girl beside her. “Seulgi…?”

“Surprise,” she mouths with a wink and a pleased smile. Yerim’s facing away from her, so she doesn’t see, but Chanyeol’s eyes widen and Baekhyun and Jongin can’t take it anymore.

Laughter drowns the fancy orchestra as the table finally breaks, and you’re once again clutching your stomach, resting your head on Seulgi’s shoulder as tears pour down your face.

Yerim’s frightened and confused, eyes frantically taking in everyone, probably wondering the state of your sanity, all the while Chanyeol sits there, arms crossed, looking outright pissed.

She starts to finally piece enough to gather you are all laughing at her guest. She rubs his back reassuringly before glaring. “You all stop giving him a hard time.”

This leads the tables’ chortles to double, but the laughter leaves your system as soon as you zero in on their shared contact.

“No, no. She’s right, guys,” you say, influence strong enough in the group to get them to settle down. “We mustn’t be rude to her guest.”

Your chest is heaving for some reason, and you genuinely feel like you’re going to be sick. There’s a pressure on your leg and you check to see Seulgi’s hand gripping your leg reassuringly, and then Sehun’s hand comes up to pat your shoulder. They know. And it makes you feel better, more grounded to be around the people that know you best, especially during something as rough as this.

Yerim mouths you a ‘thank you’ and it annoys you for some reason. You didn’t do it for her. But did that mean you did it for him? That made you even more upset.

Now settled, you all go back to eating, quietly talking to one another, ignoring the couple as you all catch up on what you all missed.

Jongdae got a promotion at the hospital he works at and was now one of the main child delivery doctors. Baekhyun’s third children’s book is in production and is due to come out by the end of the month, he promises to send you all signed copies. Jongin is going to be heading to America right after Jeju for New York Fashion Week to walk for Gucci. Sehun’s . Seulgi updates you all on her current art exhibit and pouts that no one but you, Yerim, and Junmyeon have visited, and you let everyone know how your interior designing company has been thriving.

It gets quiet when the couple are the only ones not sharing their lives. Yerim scratches her head nervously, for she isn’t as successful as you all-hell, she was still a struggling college student! But, she didn’t realize, that the pressure isn’t on her, but in fact the man beside her. You all want to hear what he’s been up to. He’s a close friend, after all, but now that there have been boundaries set, it feels awkward.

“Chanyeol?” Finally, Baekhyun urges, letting him know that it is okay for him to share.

He lets out a breath of relief, glad none of you are angry with him and informs you all on how his beats have been selling and he’s been working closely with a giant kpop entertainment company. You all congratulate him, but you can’t help but be proud and devastated. That had been a huge dream of his—to share his music, and seeing that, not only is he sharing, but also getting the exposure he always wanted, well, you couldn’t be happier for him.

You open your mouth to genuinely congratulate him, but as soon as you do, the feedback of a microphone interrupts, gaining everyone’s attention.

Junmyeon stands in front of everyone now behind the table. Nayeon sits beside her fiancé, watching him dotingly.

“Hello, everyone,” he begins politely, like the CEO son he is. “I just want to begin by thanking you all once again for joining me and my future wife for our big day.”

Everyone cheers loudly for a moment.

“We are so excited to officiate our love and are even more grateful to have all of our friends and family share this milestone in our lives. We hope that you enjoy your stay here at the hotel, and open yourself up even more to love. Thank you all and can’t wait to see you soon!”

You all cheer and it seems to be over.

“So….” Jongin begins, taking in all the attendees leaving the lavish room.

Jongin, Baekhyun, Seulgi, Jongdae, and yourself say at the same exact time, “bar?”

~*~

Two hours later and six of you are huddled around a corner of the hotel’s bar, throwing back soju faster than the poor bartender—who you swear was wearing a necktie earlier—can pour.

“Iloveyouguysandmissedyousomuuuuuch~uwu!” Jongin slurs gleefully. You sling an arm over his broad shoulders.

“How did you say that with your mouth?” You ask. He throws his head back in a hearty laugh in reply.

Jongdae sits at the bar, his back leaning against the counter, facing the rest of you with his eyes closed, statue still, as if meditating.

No one disturbs him.

“Hey, hey!” Sehun, who now mysteriously has a necktie wrapped around his head like a headband, tries to collect everyone’s attention. Once he does, he lifts another full glass. “To Junmyeon!”

“To Junmyeon!” You all yell, throwing back your nth shot and making obnoxious noises from the back of your throat as the liquor burns.

“You’re all my bestest friends!” You cry. “Only the ones here! Everyone else!” You hiccup. “Everyone else, no.”

After a thought. “Except Junie. He can he a friend, too.”

“Chanyeol is out,” Baekhyun agrees with a pout. “He pretended I wasn’t his best friend.”

“Nooooo!” Sehun cries, as if he hadn’t been there to witness it happen. He’s standing beside you, his hips sway to a beat that definitely doesn’t match the song on at the moment, but stills at the mention of your ex. “Why would he do that?”

“I don’t know!” Baekhyun answers, truly destressed. “It has something to do with that bit—”

“That’s my sister!” Seulgi, who has been sitting silently beside Jongdae, finally shouts. “And it’s not her fault that he’s an asshole! We already knew that.”

You nod forlornly. “We did.”

“We did.”

You all cheers to that.

~*~

“This was not a good idea,” you grumble. You swear you’re actually on a ship that’s currently on rocky water, throwing you across the hall, bouncing off opposite walls like a ping pong ball.

Seulgi tried to carry some of your weight back, but gave up when your feet kept getting tangled. She appears a lot soberer than you. You could’ve sworn she drank as much, though she’s always been so damn good at pretending to take shots with you all when she wasn’t in the mood to actually drink.

“At least you don’t have to be at rehearsal tomorrow,” Sehun whines. His room is directly across from yours, so he’s trudging along, shirt already half off in his need to be in bed now.

“That’s true, I can sleep in!” You grow giddy at the thought. Your steps come to a halt when you see someone standing in front of your room.

“What is that?” You ask rudely, causing the person to turn towards you.

“Oh, it’s the pretty sister,” Sehun slurs mockingly, pointing at Yerim as she merely watches.

She takes the two of you in disapprovingly and, yeah, she’s pretty, even when she’s visibly upset. She zeros in on Seulgi and lets out a ‘thank god’ when she notices at least her sister is relatively sober.

“What’s wrong?” Seulgi asks, instantly in older sister mode.

Yerim huffs. “Everything was fine before that dumb dinner, I swear!”

Your ears perk at that as both you and Sehun lean against the wall beside his door adjacent where the sisters stand, giving them privacy, but also curious for details.

“What is it?” Seulgi presses, rubbing Yerim’s shoulder reassuringly.

Yerim shakes her head in annoyed disbelief, an angry grin stretches on her face and you pity whatever soul it is directed too. “Loey and I talked and he thinks it would be better if I roomed with you for the rest of the trip.”

Seulgi’s head jerks back as if Yerim’s words attacked her and you don’t feel any pity towards the culprit of the smile anymore, nor as drunk as you were a moment ago.

Sehun, on the other hand, still does and leans down to stage whisper a, “your Loey?”

You hush him in a rush, but don’t notice if Yerim catches his words.

“Of course, you can stay with us!” Seulgi assures. “My bed is big enough for five people!”

“That was the plan originally, anyways,” you chime in, catching the younger girl’s attention. She smiles gratefully at you.

“Thank you, guys,” she says. “I’m sorry to be such a bother—”

“You’re not!” You reply, a tad too fiercely.

She blinks at you before drawing out an, “okay….”

The hallway starts spinning again, so you rest your head on Sehun’s bony shoulder. “Me head hearts, Cap’n.”

“Why are you talking like a pirate?” He questions.

“Aren’t we on a ship?”

Seulgi calls your name, gaining your attention. “Let’s get you inside, Sweetie.”

“That’s my que!” Sehun slips from under you and you go toppling to the floor. He doesn’t even spare you a glance or checks if you’re all right before he’s stumbling into his own room, the door clicking quietly behind him.

You don’t even have the energy to cuss at him, your head now throbbing harder after coming into contact with the carpet.

Arms bring you up and drag you into the softest fabric you’ve ever felt and you melt into it with a pleasurable moan.

“I’ve never seen her this drunk before.” You hear somewhere above you, but can’t remember how to access the part of your brain that will open your eyes. “She’s funny.”

“She’s had a…hard day,” another voice defends gently.

“I know that’s right,” you’re able to gargle through the detachment.

“Her and I both.” There’s a sigh and the sound of someone sitting. “This isn’t how I imagined this trip going.”

“Did he say why he wanted you to stay here instead?”

“There’s only one bed. That’s his excuse. He didn’t think we were at the level to be sharing one. But, oh, how convenient that my sister is staying here as well, maybe it would be better if I roomed with her instead.”

“But what if I hadn’t been here?”

There’s a pause, you imagine it’s probably a shrug, since it isn’t vocal.

“It doesn’t make sense to me either! The thing that pisses me off the most is that we’ve already been to the room. I put my stuff away. We were excited about it, claiming it was perfect. But after the dinner…. After the dinner, it’s suddenly a problem.”

You shoot up from wherever you are, startling the two girls.

“Room number?” You demand, voice threateningly low.

“Wh—what?” Yerim asks, shook.

“Room number.”

“You’re not going to talk to hi—” Seulgi is cut off by Yerim’s resolute, “609.”

Your sharp eyes cut to Seulgi. “Aren’t we 613?”

Seulgi nods, face full of warning.

You shrug.

“Be back, Mateys,” you assure, closing an eye for good measure.

You’re gone in a flash. Lead filled legs stomping the two doors down to what was once Chanyeol and Yerim’s room.

As soon as you face the gray rectangle, you square your shoulders and begin banging on it with all your might.

It opens after around fifteen bangs, you nearly knocking an annoyed Park Chanyeol in the chest from your momentum.

His irritation melts instantly when he’s met with you. You’re sure you are the last person he expects to be knocking at his door so late at night.

You both seem to pause and you take a moment to just…stare. It has been so long since you were this close to him. You take in his attire—a plain white-T, some unfamiliar cute Christmas pajama bottoms, and bare feet. His dark hair is in a wild mostly dry state. You swear he hasn’t aged a day in the last three years and it infuriates you further.

“What…what are you doing here?” He finally breaks down to ask, tone resigned.

“I came to defend Yerim’s honor,” you declare. You smirk, impressed by how sober you sound.

Chanyeol lifts an eyebrow and leans against the doorframe. His left hand holds the door open and you try to ignore how long and veiny his arm is. “Are you drunk, Mel?”

So, maybe you don’t sound as sober as you thought.

“Look. One, don’t call me that, Loey. Two, yeah, I am drunk, that doesn’t change the fact you’re an asshole!”

“Wow,” he drawls out, irritation leaking into his voice. “I didn’t expect this to be the first conversation I’d have with you in three years.”

“What?” You snap, quirking your head. “You didn’t expect our first conversation to be about your current girlfriend?”

His jaw works at your words and he’s looking above you, shifting his weight uncomfortably.

“I’d have to move on eventually, right?” He asks tersely, still avoiding your gaze.

His words simultaneously sadden and enrage you, but since there is no room for pity, you take the latter.

“If you’re moving on,” you say quietly. “Then why did you kick her out of your room?”

Your question draws his attention, and he searches you. Eyes taking in parts of you. “You look good.”

You scoff. “Is that an answer?”

He shrugs. “No. But it is the truth.”

“You… look good too,” you acknowledge reluctantly.

“You think so?” He asks quickly, as though the answer is important.

“I mean,” you shrug and close your eyes tightly. “You haven’t changed a bit. I can’t tell if that’s a good thing or not. Regardless, stop distracting me by changing the subject.”

He inhales deeply, letting it out through his flared nostrils, but you’re still too in your head to peek at him.

“You want me to stay on subject?” He asks skeptically. “In that case, maybe I asked her to leave because I felt this trip was going to go differently than I had originally planned. I’m not sure if her being in here is a good thing anymore.”

“And why is that?” You ask in a breath.

“Did I mention you look good?”

“You don’t want to tell me?” You gather and throw your hands up in surrender. “Fine. It’s your business, after all. We can go back to pretending we never met, let alone fucked. I think I prefer it that way.”

You begin to retreat, but before you can take a full step back, Chanyeol is snatching your wrist.

“Wait,” he sighs, giving in to your trap. You smile slyly before making the mistake of lifting your head to lock eyes with his. It has been so long since you were this close to him. His wide eyes always gaze down at you so earnestly, always open for you to read. He’s searching your face as well, getting lost in the plains he once knew by heart, reacquainting himself with your beauty.

You swallow the saliva that pours into your mouth, transfixed by his lips, so soft and wet looking and pink and full and tempting. He really is one of the best kissers, so good at knowing exactly what you like and—

“Why did you bring her?” You ask, voice a broken whisper. 

“Will you remember this?” He asks in return, reaching out gently to brush some fly away strands of hair from your face.

You shrug, not completely sure yourself. “Try me, I guess.”

It’s an answer he will not like and that’s why you phrase it that way. To get a rise out of him, to make him push you away because you were getting lost at sea and needed the shove.

You expect a frown, a snarky remark, and a door slam to the face.

Instead, his warm hand tightens around your wrist, dragging you into the threshold of his room, bringing you a mere breath away. He uses your shock to lean down, bringing you more at eye level.

It is now his turn to grin slyly.

“Maybe I brought her because….” Did his nose just bump yours? Was one of his fingers slowly running up your stomach? His breath smelt like fresh mint, like toothpaste, not a scent for desire, yet here you are. “Because I knew you would be here.”

His words are like a sharp jerk of your boat throwing you into the dark dangerous depths of the angry freezing sea, and the past three years flash before your eyes as he watches, taking in every emotion that runs across your features.

“I hate you,” you say, voice chillingly low.

He straightens at that, retracting all contact and stepping further into his empty room. You swear his eyes are sad as he goes to close the door.

“I know,” he answers before leaving you alone in the dim hallway.

[deeeelightfuldee]

Your ex taps you on the shoulder and says, “I still love you.” You say? ooooof. I don’t think i’d buy that. I hardly think people who DO show they have feelings for me are being truthful, so I doubt that.

Do you play video games? haven’t in some time, but I want to get back into it a little.

Do you spend a lot of time with family? oh heck yeah. I have a really great family.

Is your house more than two stories tall? nah, it’s the two stories with a basement.

Have you ever hit your significant other? Has he/she ever hit you? I will never raise my hands to another human being. I once dated someone who was a veteran and had severe ptsd. we were napping one time and he got aggressive. that wasn’t HIM though. 

What makes you an attractive person? (Talk about your personality too!) physically, I suppose I have nice eyes and a decent smile. personality wise, I am warm, friendly, loving, supportive, sometimes funny, very loyal.

What color is your hairbrush/comb? depends which one I use. I have a pink one right now. 

What snacks do you have available in your household atm? I honestly haven’t got a clue. I haven’t been let out of my room in 2 weeks.

Has anyone recently told you that they like you, or find you attractive? yes. it’s weird.

Are you attracted to the last person you Facebook messaged? DEF not. he has been asking me out since we worked together maybeeeee.. 8-9 years ago? 

Do you care about anyone that doesn’t care about you? yes! I am trying to learn how to undo that. it’s not that I don’t want to care about him, but I know and can soooooooo clearly see that he doesn’t care anymore, and it is extremely emotionally draining to watch.

Was your last Facebook friend requests from a male or female? I wanna say female but idk

Which one of your relatives is most likely to embarrass you? scott

When was the last time you ate a bar of chocolate? couple days ago.

Do you play any games on Facebook? Nope.

What would you like to get a degree in? I have two degrees -- one in psych and one in SLP. 

Do you wake up a lot in the middle of the night? ahahahaha yes. almost always wide awake from 3-6

Would you prefer to read a book, watch a movie or TV show, or play a video game? typically more in the movie/show or book mood.

Do you usually get popcorn or soda at the movie theater? Both. nothing like that buttery, salty goodness that obvs requires an enormous drink

What genre of films do you like the best? either make me EXTREMELY sad, or romantic.

How many bank accounts do you have? 2

Have you ever had the flu? Yeah.

What is your goal for the next few months? i have several. the only one that can/will be public right now, is to get my lungs back to functioning as they were.

Have you ever had some kind of sleep-disorder? How did it affect your life? yes. I have very bad breathing during sleep. I have had 11 sleep studies done, because my breathing will just stop randomly, which luckily my brain wakes me. it doesn’t really affect my like severely.. I function normally. but shoooooot, if I got normal levels of sleep i’d be a force to be reckoned with.

Have you ever had food poisoning before? Describe the experience. Yes. It was AWFUL. vomiting for 2 days straight. it was so gross.

Funny, charming, cute, romantic, smart - choose only 2 for the opposite sex. smart and romantic.

Have you ever let somebody use you? Why did you do it? hmm. I think there have been times where i’ve let people have more access to me than they should have had. or there have definitely been times I’ve been used in school groups. But honestly, I tend to be protective of myself. I stop when I feel enough is enough. 

You can go back in time & change something in your mom’s past - what is it? I would want either Bill to not die, or for her to be spoiled incessantly by someone else.

Do you know anybody who is around the exact same size as you? Who? psh. no. my friends are all tiny which is just not fun.

Ever been to a haunted house? How scared were you? Yeah. i found it so fun.

Been on any websites today you wouldn’t want your parents to see? ahahahaha no. 

Which is worse: dusting or mopping? mopping. i hate doing the floors.

Did you pull a senior prank? Not really advised when a homeschooler. 

Did you graduate? Yes. that was a rough, rough day.

Have you ever been unfaithful in a serious relationship? Nope

What was the last song you listened to? i think it was Happier than Ever by billie eilish. the lyrics are ... woof. 

Are you one of those lucky people with 20/20 vision? 20/12 -- the last time I had insurance anyway.

Is fashion one of your interests? honestly, if I had money, it would be. but it isnt right now.

Do you think you’ll eventually find that special someone? It’s getting harder and harder to believe that will be the case. I knowwwww I need to start dating, but every time I go to open up an app, I hesitate and chicken out. I just was so happy before.. its hard to think I could be able to offer anything to anyone right now.

Do you care what people think? veryyyyyy few people. I care about the thoughts of those I genuinely love and respect. However, I still ensure I’m protecting myself regardless.

Is acting something you enjoy? No. 

What was the last thing you broke/sprained? I have a bum knee, so I sprain that from time to time. I last broke a finger.

Have you ever fought with a friend because of their boyfriend/girlfriend? Because of yours? ahahahaha yes. but years ago. never because of mine.

Has a stranger ever yelled at you for your language? No. I don’t cuss. 

Whose house, other than yours and your families’, are you most comfortable at? probably either nathan’s or em’s.

Has any of your friends’ family ever yelled at you? alix’s family used to yell at me a lot for being fat. that used to mess me up. 

Did you ever play a sport as a little kid? Did you enjoy it? soccer. no, i found the endless running to be unnecessary. 

Did you ever watch the show Full House? yup

Is there a celebrity you are just DETERMINED to marry? no, thats so out-of-touch with reality

Have you ever burned someone’s picture? yes, i have.

What’s the longest hike you’ve ever been on? i think it was 8 hours. I hate hate hate hikes. But, thats because I have really weak lungs, so my doctor says it’s like lighting them on fire.

Would you ever get a lip tattoo? No.

Who is the first person of the opposite sex that pops into your head? kile

Do your parents smoke cigarettes? my mom hasn’t since a teenager. I think my dad does still. though, i dunno for certain.

What does one of your T-shirts have written on it? uhhhh, PTK honors society

Name a pet you definitely wouldn’t want. Any reptile or insect. <<<< same

Would you prefer your partner smaller or taller? Taller. 

Do you enjoy going through old pictures? Yes. very much so.

Do you believe people when they say they don’t judge people? No, i respect people who are truthful saying they either try not to judge, or that they do judge despite their desire to stop.

What did you love the most about the town you grew up in? sooooooo much. it’s small town-y, quiet, safe, lots of trees, family close by.

What’s a movie you cried the hardest during? ps i love you will always shatter my heart.

What’s your favorite restaurant? buona or ashford

Is there a dessert you don’t like? im not wild about pastries.

What’s a book that you read because everyone else was reading it? hmmm maybe that one mrs. pettigrews home for peculiar children.

Underwater or outer space? i’m fascinated by both. typically more interested in the water.

Dogs or cats? both. all of them.

Kittens or puppies? kittens.

Bird watching or whale watching? whales!!!!!!!!

What was your best subject in school? in HS probably history. or science. in college, psych or neuro.

What was your worst subject in school? Math. always freakin’ math.

What is one thing you wish you knew in high school? Uhhh. hm. i don’t think anything. I liked my experience.

Who is your fashion icon? nada.

Diamonds or pearls? Both are nice. I love pearl stud earrings and I really want a simple, one pearl necklace. I am kinda ruined for diamonds for some time. My favorite rings and necklace were diamonds from kile and I just cant bring myself to wear those anymore.

What color dress did you wear to prom? pink

Honestly, are you jealous of someone right now? oh sure. I am envious of those with bangin’ bods. I’m envious of those who have great finances. I am envious of those who live life married to their love. I’m envious of people who see kile regularly. But there are difficulties that come with any of those situations.

Honestly, when was the last time you REALLY cried your heart out? not long ago. the whole crushing reality of losing kile just destroyed me. I’m OK now.

Do you need to return anyone’s phone call? ahahahahah. I just reject all calls.

Who are you closest to? My mom and nathan rn.

Have you ever had a bad concert experience? no

Are you currently sad about anything? several things have recently been really saddening, but I’m ok. Ill get thru it.

Have you had any form of exercise today? Its going to be some time before I’m cleared for that. I almost faint from taking a shower and I have to be on oxygen after doing the one flight of stairs. 

Can you handle blood? doesn’t bother me at all.

Has any place hired you underage for a job? yes. I mean technically, I was legal to work in that I was 17, but the company didn’t want to hire younger than 18.

Have you ever carried a concealed weapon? not like in public, but at a house or gun range, yes.

Are you currently searching for a job? soon.

Does eating breakfast make you sick? i’m never ever ever hungry for it. I know i should, but its the worst. I don’t even like breakfast foods.

[heroin-antiheroine]

i’m considering jumping off soon (as i’m sitting here aachhhing oww). the 1st time i ever went through full withdrawal was in october 2017 & i was still snorting, but i assume it was around a bag a day (100mg), but adjusted for bioavailability i’d say that’s around 50-something. it was achey as fuck, but could’ve been bc i was on a bloody hiking holiday with my parents & walking fuckin miles everyday while dying inside. but overall not the worst & i managed to get back to sleeping 4 hours a night by the last night (which is a fuckin godsend when ur a recovering heroin addict). the 2nd time was in april 2018, jumping off over 200mg IV-ed a day, which was god awful & i’d never want to repeat that. ughhhh muscle spasm hell & i lost so much weight bc i couldnt keep down anything but fuckin ginger tea & chicken stock. but the restless legs did go away after the 1st day & i think it’s bc i was laying down & not fuckin hiking!! but this time i’m only on ~45mg a day (bc of smoking today i actually don’t know....bc idk how much ur body actually absorbs from smoking or whether i’m getting all of it or who knows). it would be not as bad as the 1st time!! the thing is.....i was gonna do a full taper. the other thing is....my veins are so shitty. & then on top of that, my lungs are a pile of crap also. i know the drug service ppl will say to go on subs, or go back to snorting (yea cos i looooveeee losing half my drugs in my nose.....number 3 is not supposed to be snorted rly. i mean it’s possible & it does work but also.....it’s rly gross. it’s not like coke or k or number 4). 

i just wanna be fuckin normal!!!! i don’t wanna spend an hour poking holes in myself & end up covered in my own blood twice/three times a fuckin day!!! i wanna go to my favourite festival with all my friends this weekend which obv i can’t do. & i did it last year, while slamming h (& god back then it was so much easier to get a hit.....im nostalgic for it lmao) but it just wasn’t as fun!! i slept better than i ever have at a festival, but i was super envious of my friends who were getting wrecked (somehow i did manage to stay up later than most of them tho hahahah). it’s no surprise that i spent most of the festival with another junkie. all i think about is being clean nowadays....and like....a real clean person, a normie, someone who has never been addicted to h (or anything else). someone who can sleep well & has passions. i know the first month or two is gonna be hard, but this is hard!!!! this is worse, i’d say. i wanna see what the drugs services ppl say. i would ideally love to go down to 30mg before jumping but idk. my veins have been alright for a whole month so hopefully this is a temporary thing cos i wanna continue with the taper, i obv wanted no wds, not even the mild ones....cos even the mild ones are kinda shitty. 

i didn’t mean this to turn into a long vent post or whatever. i feel like i can only talk about this shit on here. i mean maybe one of u will understand. i keep going on about it bc it’s on my mind a lot, & it has been for 2 years god. i wish i’d never started, but so does everyone. at least i have uhhhhh life experience from it or something (that’s disregarding all the life experiences it made me miss out on). when i do decide to jump i’ll stock up on loads of helpful shit for it & i also saved watching the new season of a series of unfortunate events to watch specifically in withdrawal bc that’s what i did last year, bc that show is great but also rlyyyy long. altho i feel like all the terrifying shit in it was greatly magnified with my magnified emotions (i was like....i can’t believe i read these books as a kid.....wtf???). damn i wanna be normal. i wanna go visit my aging grandparents who i haven’t visited in...over a year bc of my fuckin addiction. i wanna travel!!! ugh bro ok now this is a whole thing.

[artificialcats]

1 - 150

omg thanks answers under the cut bc this is going to b long

1. Who was the last person you held hands with?

tbh dont even remember but ive never like, held hands w anyone ~romantically~ or w/e

2. Are you outgoing or shy?

SHY but i have my more outgoing moments every once in a while

3. Who are you looking forward to seeing?

Quinn!!! and my other friends and my sister back home :-) and my cat

4. Are you easy to get along with?

uhh idk? i guess?

5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you?

tbh dont know 

6. What kind of people are you attracted to?

nice ones. cute ones. ones interested in the same stuff as me ?

7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now?

my friend did a tarot reading for me a week ago and when i asked if id have a gf this year the answer was not good lmao so doubtful

8. Who from another gender is on your mind?

idk?

9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?

im p indifferent

10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?

tbh my memory is garbage idk

11. What does the most recent text that you sent say?

“signing tomorrow at 3:30″ cryptic out of context

12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now?

the traveller- beach house (just walked to it in a fashion show! its good), boyfriend--best coast, sleepover--hayley kiyoko, forever (pt II)--snakehips, and a variety of tennis songs i cant choose from 

13. Do you like it when people play with your hair?

ya

14. Do you believe in luck and miracles?

not particularly

15. What good thing happened this summer?

last summer i got to do a bunch of fun stuff w different friends! 

16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

ive never kissed anyone before LMAO (last “person” ive ever kissed was my cat on the head and ya id do that again)

17. Do you think there is life on other planets?

I MEAN like the universe is so expansive theres no way theres NOT some other form of life out there 

18. Do you still talk to your first crush?

lmao no 

19. Do you like bubble baths?

nah i dont like baths 

20. Do you like your neighbors?

at home yes (QUINN!!) and no (dont talk to anyone else) 

21. What are you bad habits?

nail picking, a lot of other stuff im too tired to list rn

22. Where would you like to travel?

would love to road trip it across the west

23. Do you have trust issues?

maybe? idk

24. Favorite part of your daily routine?

moisturizing 

25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with?

tbh feeling p good abt my body rn.. maybe my shoulders.. ive always disliked how square they r..

26. What do you do when you wake up?

p much immediately get in the shower

27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker?

never thought abt it

28. Who are you most comfortable around?

my close friends

29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up?

i dont have any exes

30. Do you ever want to get married?

maybe someday but not for a loooong long time

31. If your hair long enough for a pony tail?

no

32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with?

im ace so like,, none of them 

33. Spell your name with your chin.

losauirtfsa

34. Do you play sports? What sports?

nope. used to play tennis tho

35. Would you rather live without TV or music?

probably tv. love music too much

36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them?

HA ofc living that life rn

37. What do you say during awkward silences?

uh probably nothing

38. Describe your dream girl/guy?

nice, supportive, is willing to dance around to/sing along w 70s/80s/2000s music w me 

39. What are your favorite stores to shop in?

thrift stores probably.. never know what youre going to find

40. What do you want to do after high school?

well rn im in college and thats p much what i was going for in high school so 

41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?

nah

42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean?

probably just that i dont feel like talking? or im tired

43. Do you smile at strangers?

usually

44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean?

outer space theres some whack stuff in the ocean

45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning?

idk

46. What are you paranoid about?

a looot of things LMAO

47. Have you ever been high?

nope

48. Have you ever been drunk?

nope

49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about?

no

50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore?

grey

51. Ever wished you were someone else?

sometimes but usually just in like a ‘they look rlly cool’ or ‘i rlly like their style’ kind of way like just kind of envious

52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself?

probably like, throwing my depression out the window

53. Favourite makeup brand?

dont wear makeup enough lmao

54. Favourite store?

tbh dont rlly have one also this is rlly similar to  previous question?

55. Favourite blog?

i love the househunting blog but idk if i rlly have a favorite

56. Favourite colour?

PINK

57. Favourite food? 

chicken bc theres so much good stuff u can do w it

58. Last thing you ate?

mini twix bar 

59. First thing you ate this morning?

eggs on toast

60. Ever won a competition? For what?

yea won a couple different ones for art related stuff

61. Been suspended/expelled? For what?

nope

62. Been arrested? For what?

nope

63. Ever been in love? 

platonically ya romantically no i dont think so

64. Tell us the story of your first kiss?

a short one: never happened

65. Are you hungry right now?

no ive been snacking all night lol

66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends?

my tumblr friends p much are my rl friends so,, no

67. Facebook or Twitter?

twitter

68. Twitter or Tumblr?

tumblr

69. Are you watching tv right now?

no

70. Names of your bestfriends? 

quinn

71. Craving something? What?

the sweet warm embrace of my bed

72. What colour are your towels?

one is pastel blue one is black/white/grey stripe

72. How many pillows do you sleep with?

two

73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?

yea. i have a big pusheen plush and at home a mini dino pillow pet n a cat plush

74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have?

like.. 3 i think? i used to have a L O T 

75. Favourite animal?

cats

76. What colour is your underwear?

black

77. Chocolate or Vanilla?

vanilla

78. Favourite ice cream flavour?

once i had cardamom n it was rlly rlly good 

79. What colour shirt are you wearing?

white w blue stripes

80. What colour pants?

jean overalls

81. Favourite tv show?

OOGH rn the getdown, stranger things, parks n rec, x files, downton abbey, charmed, a lot, 

82. Favourite movie?

jurassic park

83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2?

neither

84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street?

neither

85. Favourite character from Mean Girls?

dont have one

86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo?

idk maybe nemo? never rlyl though abt it

87. First person you talked to today?

my mom

88. Last person you talked to today?

my sister

89. Name a person you hate?

idk

90. Name a person you love?

all my friends

91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now?

not anyone i kno personally

92. In a fight with someone?

idk

93. How many sweatpants do you have?

like one pair and i never wear them lmao

94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have?

a couple

95. Last movie you watched?

ella enchanted

96. Favourite actress?

no one comes to mind ?

97. Favourite actor?

idk jeff goldblum? 

98. Do you tan a lot?

no

99. Have any pets?

yes!! two cats

100. How are you feeling?

tired but ok

101. Do you type fast?

i think so yea

102. Do you regret anything from your past?

idk

103. Can you spell well?

im ok

104. Do you miss anyone from your past?

kind of but i know we’re so different now we probably wouldnt even get along.. its not a miss i feel all the time tho more of a ‘we knew each other for so long its kind of sad we grew apart’

105. Ever been to a bonfire party?

i want to say yes but it wasnt like a party party

106. Ever broken someone’s heart?

not that i know

107. Have you ever been on a horse?

yes

108. What should you be doing?

my homework 

109. Is something irritating you right now?

school. im ready to get out of here

110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt?

i dont think so

111. Do you have trust issues?

wasnt this question already asked

112. Who was the last person you cried in front of?

my friend steph i think (over the final fantasy ending LMAO)

113. What was your childhood nickname?

i dont think i had one

114. Have you ever been out of your province/state?

yea

115. Do you play the Wii?

not a lot no

116. Are you listening to music right now?

yep (rn its 0 to 100 by drake on shuffle)

117. Do you like chicken noodle soup?

not really. i like the broth tho

118. Do you like Chinese food?

ya

119. Favourite book?

aristotle and dante discover the secrets of the universe

120. Are you afraid of the dark?

depends

121. Are you mean?

i try not to be

122. Is cheating ever okay?

nah

123. Can you keep white shoes clean?

NO LMAO i have a bad habit of standing on my own feet my white shoes r so gross

124. Do you believe in love at first sight?

idk

125. Do you believe in true love?

idk

126. Are you currently bored?

not rlly

127. What makes you happy?

my friends, cats, pink, good food, nature, making my own art, old houses n rooms, lots of stuff

128. Would you change your name?

never thought about it

129. What your zodiac sign?

aries

130. Do you like subway?

not rlly

131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?

what

132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?

im p sure this ? was already asked

133. Favourite lyrics right now?

134. Can you count to one million?

y

135. Dumbest lie you ever told?

dont remember but lots of em

136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed?

closed. i cant sleep w them open 

137. How tall are you?

5′10″

138. Curly or Straight hair?

i have straight hair

139. Brunette or Blonde?

im blonde? i dont kno if theses r refering to me or what i prefer on other people?

140. Summer or Winter? 

summer

141. Night or Day?

tbh a tie

142. Favourite month?

dont have one!

143. Are you a vegetarian?

no

144. Dark, milk or white chocolate?

milk

145. Tea or Coffee?

neither

146. Was today a good day?

it was ok

147. Mars or Snickers?

no preference

148. What’s your favourite quote?

dont have one

149. Do you believe in ghosts?

i mean i dont not believe in ghosts

150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page? 

“Grant said “what did you think?”” -Jurassic Park