#they can't just do nothing
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hey silt verses? I just want to talk
#the silt verses#I'm soooooo!!!!! I'm sooo!!!!!#you can't do this to me silt verses!!!!!! I'm soooo!!!!!#val voice: you didnt want to be this I'm sure that#something something what did you want to be? a ballerina. a milkman.#the promised bride. become something else the trawlerman told her. she was just a girl. just a human with no where to go#all these characters stripped down of all titles and pretenses and forms and shapes. that's all they are. human#sorry i had to make another post about this because i was just talking about this on twitter yesterday#wouldn't it be truly fucking awful if it was just people out here and nothing else
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Cosy day in!!
#a cosy day in!!#I'm spending all of today relaxing#and just being completely lazy#and i thought of you guys#we can be lazy together!!#i hope you enjoy#as always#sfw interaction only#agere#sfw agere#moodboard#age regression#agere moodboard#sfw littlespace#age dreaming#babyre#baby regression#kidre#I'm planning to make a pie tomorrow#but i can't decide what flavor to pick#decisions are hard!!#anyway#the weather is perfect for doing nothing today#it's only 11°C/52°F!#the coldest it's gotten where i live so far#food#no pacifier
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Idk they give me the vibe of like,,, not yet thinking about kids when they're living together and then they meet this random kid who doesn't have a place and they kinda go "well, we can't just leave them here" and then that's how they adopt kids (or pets honestly)
#i do think with Leo's past especially they would try and do smth for kids in foster care etc#but i also feel like. especially when they're still young young. they'd both have that insecurity of like#“i never even had a (good) dad” and “would i even know how to dad??”#so i think they like.. have their little chats and talks about it all or are only planning to adopt or foster kids later#but then there's this wet cat of a child and well#they can't just do nothing#so the kid kinda starts living w them#and Leo knows what it's like to be on the run as a kid and how staying at a stranger's place is not generally a good idea#and also Jason was raised by wolves and to be a soldier idk i feel like that counts in here somehow#so i think. even if the kid is sceptical at first or doesn't “live” live there. they'll get along pretty quickly#maybe it doesn't start out with “hey you should live with us” but more so a “it's pouring outside and you don't even have a raincoat.”#“at least take this umbrella” or smth like that#maybe the kid looks hungry and valgrace was going to get take out or smth and offer the kid some of it#idek#this all sounds really creepy when i type it out#it was mostly a spontanous vibe#i think they'd have a similar attitude towards children as Magnus and Alex do#except Fierrochase just started their own children's home thing if i remember correctly#so that's fun#would be funny though if they also just start a place for rogue demigods where kids can find shelter and support#and some of them just choose to stay bc it'd be awesome to live there
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the dialogue choices in this game should be more diabolical
#i love akechi but i sometimes i wish you could bully him like no matter which dialogue u pick it sounds like ur flirting back w him#“i'm going to be completely honest with you. i've always hated you” why can't u say smt unserious back#like “sorry i have a snatched waist and correct opinions on everything.” or like “ur loss lmao”#hate playing darts with this bitch bc i play on a steamdeck and i don't have a fucking gyroscope so like#it's trying to replicate how the joycons or pro controller would throw AND ITS SUCKS SO BAD#like i just see akechi get a hat trick every single fucking time with three bulls in a row and meanwhile im struggling to line the thing up#and then after u finish he's like “hmm i see. that's an interesting way to play it” WHAT THE FUCK THERES LITERALLY NO STRATEGY HERE SMARTAS#I JUST MISSED. IM NOT STRATEGIZING. THERES NOTHING “INTERESTING” ABOUT IT.#i hate going to penguin snipers so much i hope i can get this stupid game on switch so i can actually rank up akechi's baton pass#and not waste like 1000 yen every night bc i refuse to not let a party member be on rank 3#akechi fuck yourself why can't we play 501 like we do with everyone else. why do u have to make everything abt this stupid rivalry#im gonna kms i hate akeci and i hate darts#persona 5#persona 5 royal#p5#p5r#goro akechi#ren amamiya#akira kurusu#shuake#akeshu#lotus draws
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volume 1 sketches part 2
#hellsing#integra hellsing#alucard#seras victoria#my art#i'm hoping to casually do these for every volume eventually#can't wait to get to later volumes bc alucard had negative rizz (read: hair volume) most of the time#the whole cromwell restrictions thing has nothing to do with power level. it just dictates how much hair he can have at any given moment#i half believe hirano drew alucard with long hair once by accident and went 'wait this shit rules' and kept going until vladcard appeared
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To the best crew any captain ever had. ✧.*
#the very best!! <333#ds9#ds9edit#trekedit#startrekedit#tvedit#scifiedit#90sedit#star trek deep space nine#not to jinx it but I think I'm finally happy with how my ds9 gifs are looking?#it's nothing special but decent enough :) and I just have to accept that some episodes are shittier quality than others#and I can't do magic I have to work with what's there
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tos jim kirk is very funny to me because he is so bad with children. you'd think he'd be good with them, but he isn't. i think he probably likes them well enough, he just. doesn't know how to talk to them. not one bit. has no idea how to interact. kids can tell he's trying, but he's bad enough at it that they don't really like him more for it. type of guy who you'd hand a baby to, and he'd hold it out in front of him with stiff arms. like, um. what do i do with this. he could be coached on proper holding technique, but he'd still look visibly uncomfortable the whole time.
tos spock is Not Much Better. i think that he feels more clueless around kids than kirk does, but kids also like him more. he doesn't have it in him to be mean to a child ever, so all the awkward kids adore him, and he spends the whole time with them sending desperate looks to other crew members, being like, 'help, i am ill equipped for childcare' and everyone around him is like, 'nooo, you're doing great!!!' while the child has a blast and he is wishing desperately to be Anywhere Else. however, he does refuse care of babies. somehow, he is even worse with babies than jim is.
bones, though - he's a kid guy. he loves kids and babies. he adores them, they adore him, it's a win win. and he looks over at kirk and spock Struggling and he laughs and laughs and laughs. (the kids, of course, think this is hilarious, and they join in on making fun of kirk and spock, even if they don't really know what they're making fun of them for.)
#in spite of not being much of a kid person myself i *do* enjoy the kid fic genre. but.#giving tos spirk a kid requires a certain amount of suspension of disbelief. my tos spirk are both Fucking Clueless#i've read some very very good aos spirk kid fics tho so maybe aos kirk is better with children. i don't know him well but he seems like it#anyways i'm spock in this scenario. i want nothing to do with babies. kids exhaust and frighten me but inexplicably love me#benjamin sisko: first captain who actually likes (and is good with!!) children. picard? hates 'em. kirk? just can't handle 'em.#tos#james t kirk#jim kirk#kirk#spock#bones mccoy#leonard mccoy#star trek#star trek tos#triumvirate#mcspirk
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("Always. Continuously. With increasing apprehension, and decreasing hope. I will love you if I never see you again, and I will love you if I see you every Tuesday. I will love you as a corpse loves the beak of the vulture. I will love you no matter what happens to you, and no matter how I discover what happens to you, and no matter what happens to me as I discover this." -- paraphrased from The Beatrice Letters, Lemony Snicket)
#svsss#bingqiu#luo binghe#shen qingqiu#lbh#sqq#i've been working through the series of unfortunate events and somehow that series has paired really nicely with svsss#the themes of cycling violence and what's justified and what isn't and what can possibly be done differently#and how trying to bring love and honour into the midst of it really changes nothing but also changes everything#it's just *chef's kiss*#i don't know how i can quite do my thoughts justice but i've spent the past few weeks quietly going between the two series (and mdzs and tg#as well if we're being honest they all hit similar questions and themes) and just reveling in the pain and ambiguity of it#everything is interconnected and it means you can never know what trauma and pain and necessity has shaped a person#each story goes too far back to ever ever EVER possibly see the full extent of it#at that level even communication itself is nearly impossible.#and because of that it's almost impossible to change anything. beat yourself apart and the outcome is the same#and yet ATTEMPTING to change things ATTEMPTING to do the kind thing the honourable thing is absolutely critical#because while you can change nothing you also have the capacity to change EVERYTHING#aaaaaaah i don't even know what i'm saying#but i read the beatrice letters today and the love letter just. killed me.#(obviously i cherrypicked some lines because it's three pages long but those ones felt right)#''i love you like a corpse loves a vulture's beak'' i just. can't get over that line.#to be completely changed. altered. destroyed. redeemed. purified. desecrated. reduced to nothing yet entirely necessary for another's life.#what a FUCKING line#anyway i was either going to blow up from thinking about it or else i had to exorcise it via art from an entirely different series#i've already done svsss and discworld why not throw a series of unfortunate events into the mix#i'll be honest folks i did not expect svsss to be the mxtx series that would fuck me up the most about the main ship#bingqiu is something else. i don't even know how to begin to approach my feelings on it. impossibility and necessity all at once#bizarre#my art
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does anyone else think about Spike and Giles looking at each other and seeing a personification of the most despised and vulnerable aspects of their own past or is it just me
#btvs#i'm so serious bc they're perfect foils especially when their relationships with buffy are to be considered#spike vs the ripper. rupert giles vs william pratt#they're the same. just the same. they just had an opposite and equal evolution and they can't imagine anyone doing it the other way#spike btvs#rupert giles#buffy summers#one knows exactly where unrestrained recklessness and hedonism lead and wants to steer her away from that#the other knows exactly what a prison societal expectations and repression can be and wants nothing more than for her to break free of them#i'm about to start gnawing bricks#buffy the vampire slayer
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ok i swear i'm not going to talk about my breakup forever but the thing that just keeps bothering me:
i know that not getting what you need in a relationship is a COMPLETELY valid reason to end it but also. i feel like having a very vulnerable moment where i opened up about my struggles with intimacy and being relieved that i didn't have to keep doing things i wasn't comfortable with, then being dumped a YEAR later because of my lack of intimacy. is something i should be allowed to be very hurt by???
#ramble#sorry i'm currently in a phase of 'of course this happened' and 'oh i deserve this because i didn't give him what he wanted'#like he knew i was grey ace since the start. and he let it go on for SO long after i said i might be vaguely aro as well#if that's a dealbreaker for you bc of your love language then FINE but NIP IT IN THE BUD#he said he put it off because he didn't want to hurt my feelings but it only hurt me MORE#like you're an adult. grow the fuck up and communicate like one#holding your negative feelings in hoping somebody notices you're hiding them is what TEENAGERS do#and also i told him VERBATIM: i didn't think anyone would ever love me because i'm not comfortable with xyz. and he just confirmed that#idk i still feel like i'm being selfish because how could i expect someone to be in a relationship with me when i can't give them anything#also tmi but it's not like we did NOTHING. we still held hands/cuddled/were close. he just didn't have his tongue down my throat anymore#so obviously i'm assuming by 'missing affection' he just meant sex and as an ace person that just fucking sucks#also oh my god i HATED how much he would imply we were going to have sex. i would have to keep SAYING 'i don't like doing this'#he always spoke like it was inevitably going to happen and it didn't click how GROSS i felt about it until recently#also ALSO not to go there but i never told him WHY i struggle with it (it's sensory issues)#and like. what if something had happened to me that made it hard for me and i just wasn't ready to tell him. and then he did this#again sorry to overshare this is still just a lot for me and i have no idea if i'm being unreasonable#if you're ace and in a relationship please let me know bc i'm starting to think it'll end this way every single time
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I've never made a vampire.
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You'd like to be one of us? They always think they are different. Stronger, superior. Until the loneliness comes in. You'll be a monster. Will you eat humans like you eat your apple? One a night. No pity for the child, for the mother, for the invalid? How will you choose whom to kill? And when the last remnants of your era are gone? The cars, the hairstyles, the beliefs? How will you go on? How will you survive eternity?
#iwtv#interview with the vampire#armand iwtv#assad zaman#armandiel#armandaniel#devil's minion#louis de pointe du lac#I am sure this means nothing about him and daniel :D#but you know#I totally can't imagine young daniel in the late 70s/early 80s asking Armand to turn him and Armand giving him a similar speech#even though he'd love to have daniel with him for eternity he can't do that to him#he wants him to live a full life#but who knows maybe if daniel is actual danger for the first time ever...#but that's just speculation#myiwtvedit
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The idea that uni protesters are "elitist ivy-league rich kids larping as revolutionaries" on Twitter and Reddit and even here is so fucking funny to me if you actually know anything about the student bodies at these unis. Take it from someone who's going to one of the biggest private unis in the US, 80% of the peers I know are either from the suburbs or an apartment somewhere in America, children of immigrants, or here on a student visa. I've heard about one-percenter students, but I've never met one in person. Like, don't get me wrong, the institution as a whole is still very privileged and white. I've talked with friends and classmates about feeling weird or dissonant being here and coming from such a different background. But in my art program, I see BIPOC, disabled, queer, lower-income students and faculty trying to deconstruct and tear that down and make space every day. So to take a cursory glance at a crowd of student protesters in coalitions that are led by BIPOC & 1st/2nd-gen immigrant students and HQ'd in ethnic housings and student organizations and say, "ah. children of the elite." Get real.
#also idk how to tell you this but even if it were true. wealthy children potentially sacrificing their educational careers to protest is#a good thing actually. idk how to tell you that caring about people from other nations is good#personal#“this war has nothing to do with most students cuz nobody's getting drafted” idk how to explain to you that we should be angry#that our tuitions of 10s of thousands of dollars that we pay every year for an education is being used to fund a genocidal campaign#also the implication that if you go to a uni institution you are automatically privileged by participation no matter your bg#i didn't /want/ to go to this school. i was supposed to go to a school with an art/animation program. but i realized my immigrant#parents have been working their whole lives to get me here. and turning the opportunity down would be a disservice to their sacrifice#this is getting into convos of “what 2nd gen kids owe their parents” which is different for everyone but. yeah#i just get pissed off at seeing people misrepresenting student bodies as “wealthy” and “privileged” and “elite” when it's such a blatant li#i remember a year ago a friend told me they can't fly home to hong kong for winter break because the plane tickets are too expensive#so they have to find temporary housing around the area#last quarter for a film doc class my film partner made a doc on a small group of marxist grad students from india discussing praxis#during a rally a few months ago in response to police presence the coalition invited palestinian students to speak about their experiences#and lead songs and read poems they wrote. these are STUDENTS. are they elitist too?#this is not to disregard my own personal privilege either.#this whole narrative's just to rationalize a lack of empathy to me. seeing a 19yo student get shot by a rubber bullet and your first#reaction is “HAW! HAW! bet richy rich didn't see THAT coming when she put on her terrorist hood!”#newsflash. these big uni campuses are HAUNTED by the violence of past protests and revolutions and police brutality. we know.#why do you think these coalitions have been making reinforced barricades at record speed
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smitten 🦋
#illustration#aesthetic#butterflies#fantasy#flowers#maximalist#romance#sapphic#purple#pink#magic#digital art#art ph#art fart#prinsomnia#portfolio#this piece was a bit of a “one for them one for me” sorta thing#i've been so busy with my day job and just clearing out my backlogs and it was so hard for me to realize day by day how little i do for mys#myself anymore.#more and more i feel trapped in a really fucked up world. but nothing that a nap can't fix!!#i hope life has been kind to you. and i hope you have been kind to you. <3
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Assisting Acquaintance Acquired.
[First] Prev <–-> Next
#poorly drawn mdzs#mdzs#wen ning#wei wuxian#Ignore how Wen Ning's hair looks here because I messed it up. Let's pretend he just sported a different hair style for a brief moment.#I am not exactly great at consistency but I am trying very hard to work on that (immediately messes up again).#Absolutely *love* how Wen Ning clearly remembers and admires WWX...who does *not* recognize him.#This is the best day for Wen Ning and it means *nothing* to WWX. A painful one-sided crush made worse.#It is bittersweet to realize that we care about someone more than they care about us. Sometime we pour love into a relationship-#-with someone who just can't reciprocate. It isn't always a conscious things either. Some people just aren't aware we care.#And painfully - so painfully - You can't make them aware. No act of kindness or gift or self sacrifice will make someone care about you.#You can martyr yourself for someone and they will continue on unchanged.#I think a lot about the parallels between WN and LWJ. Not foils - just reflections. A theme repeated.#People who give so much of themselves to someone who doesn't have the capacity to give any part of themself away.#I will die on the hill of 'Wen Ning would be the love triangle romance if that trope wasn't being avoided'.#And to be honest - thank the stars above that is the case. I do not know any good love triangles in media.#We are skipping some of the sad Jiang Cheng content because I really want to finish season 2 before May.#Sorry JC emo moment lovers...I'll deliver another time.
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thinking about not only the specific people lucanis pulls in to represent the 'locks' in his psyche, but the storytelling that happens in the structure/order of them. the underlying ideas are presented something like:
the lucanis who went into the ossuary never came back out again; he died down there (the boy caterina raised is gone forever) -> you're putting yourself in danger doing this (by being close to me), you should leave because I can't bear it if you get hurt because of me -> it doesn't matter even if we do try this, it won't work anyway (again because of me) ('you know what he's like, you can open the door but he won't walk through it' :'( oofie doofie) -> what if the real secret is that there was never anything but the monster in here from the beginning. you should leave, there was never anything here worth saving in the first place. (implicitly: what if I deserved what happened, all along.)
it runs pretty cleanly from outward-oriented attachment anxiety ('caterina won't even want me back like this, she won't recognize me (the same way I no longer recognize myself)) and gradually deeper inwards until we reach self-image and self worth. or you know, the harrowing basic lack of it lol.
"careful -- they'll know we're not right," spite says in one of their first scenes... but clearly, some very deep part of lucanis has feared or suspected for much longer than that that there's something inherently not right at the core of him, way before any demon entered the picture. and the voice he gives those lines to is the person who should know him better than anyone in the world, who he has loved more than anyone in the world -- and who deliberately chose to hurt him so horrifically anyway. 'It's better if I'm just a monster and deserved what happened than it is to allow for the idea that the brother I love doesn't really exist and maybe never did'. it's better if he's fundamentally flawed in some way that needed fixing to help him survive, and that's why caterina chose to hurt him again and again -- out of love. (this one I think he might have a very sad wakeup call on one day if he ever ends up with the responsibility and care of a child of his own in some way and realizes just how alien the idea of ever intentionally hurting them for any reason is to him. oh buddy. also interesting that he keeps caterina as the outermost lock -- there IS a distance he keeps there that he hasn't with illario. he doesn't resent her 'anymore' he says, but he also keeps her carefully further away from his deepest self.)
as far as I could tell the only note in the mind prison that's fully hidden and needs to be uncovered is the sad painful helpless stupid little truth that even after all this, even knowing what happened... he still loves his brother. is there anything illario could ever do that would make lucanis completely stop loving him, do you think? sometimes the trouble with unconditional love is that it is, well. unconditional, even when some terms and conditions probably would have been in order haha.
that's the pattern you see there again and again; he would rather destroy and abandon and imprison himself at every turn than let go of love, even when it's just scraps, even when there's only ever enough of it to hurt him. it's only when rook shows up and as it were takes his hand and walks along with him that he can entertain the idea of changing the story of what walking out the door might mean in the end.
#tl;dr the demon is a metaphor about dissociation and trauma and it's doing its job thematically fucking pitch perfectly that way the end#dragon age#dragon age: the veilguard#dragon age: the veilguard spoilers#dragon age spoilers#lucanis dellamorte#dragon age meta#this mission is like ds9 the wire in terms of episodes you really can examine from a thousand different angles#and find something new and soulcrushingly sad every time. exactly my kind of episode in other words#whenever people say there's nothing to him but coffee and spite jokes some small part of me goes 'oh I'm so incredibly sorry!#it must be really hard and so impractical to go through life without being able to read :'( get better soon'#is that very nice of me. perhaps not. is the writing here *perfect*? of course not. but some people are also dedicated to being#wilfully blind (presumably b/c they would have preferred to see something else?? idk man)#lucanis' reaction to taash going 'I'm sorry I'm such a bad crow :'('... he could NEVER do what caterina did with him no matter what#you just can't use him like that. he needs the clean family/enemy/contract distinction or you just break him!!!#caterina literally what are you thinking. every day I ask myself this. (probably 'the only other option that keeps the seat in the family#is illario. so that's right out of course' lmao)#god forbid it happen anytime soon if it should happen b/c there's Stuff that needs working through first lol but he'd be such a soft dad
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Silt Verses protagonists // Returning Home
#the silt verses#hi just realized carpenter and faulkner's returning home episodes are both chapter 9 of s2 and 3 respectively#idk what to do with this info#anyway something that makes me deeply emotional about this#just the way all of them return to it#paige expecting to come home to an empty abandoned place. surprised to find what's there. seeing the land as unpredictable.#carpenter knowing of the ruin of her previous childhood home. haunted more by the people she left behind. finding no comfort in being back.#faulkner being optimistic. saying perhaps his home could be a temple one day. this is the safest place i could be he says#(and I can't help but think about faulkner leaving marks before he left his home. so that no one else could find a home there.)#(both paige and faulkner returning home when they have no where else to go)#hayward looking up at his old home fondly. there's nothing left for him there. nothing he can find that he doesn't already have.#let her have the lie of me he says.
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