#they arent sever or anything
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ever just play a game too much that you kinda just. vaguely hear sound effects from it
played UCN religiously somewehere in the 2020s. Used to hear stuff like Nightmare/Nightmare Fredbear's sound cue sometimes along with the vent animatronics' respective sound cues
Got addicted to Magic Jewelry for a while on my mom's collection of games she bought on shoppee. This was worse than UCN and I used to just daydream playing the game right before going to sleep, music and all.
Now I hear Roblox Pressure noises. Please help me I swear I just heard the lights flicker
#rambles#not sure why this happens#they arent sever or anything#nor do they last forevet#so#i think its normal?
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sometimes its really obvious how much people dont actually believe presentation=/=gender when they see their nonbinary friend go from extremely masculine to relaxing back into femininity once theyre comfortable with their gender and every time they call it detransitioning with zero indication thats what their friend is calling it. i dont know how to tell you this but sometimes you present a certain way for social reasons and not because thats how you actually feel. sometimes you experience dysphoria about your body that is actually related to how people view you and not how you feel about your body. i really dont think its that uncommon for trans people to swing really hard in one direction for the affirmation and then relax back into a different presentation once they are more comfortable in their gender
#txt#gekkering#idk how to word this but genuinely if you see your friend growing more comfortable in their body and presentation and assume theyre detransi#tioning without them telling you that you should be ashamed and i hope your friend finds someone who is more accepting of experiences they d#dont personally relate to#butch trans women exist femme trans men exist and very masculine AND very feminine nonbinary people exist#i hated my body most of all when i focused on how other people view me. and before anyone accuses me of anything not that you need to but i#do have other dysphoria but its not NEARLY as severe as when i was younger and was obsessed with how other people gendered me#and if that does still bother you thats okay im not saying people who arent bothered by being misgendered are unreasonable or should get ove#r it or anything#but THATS why sometimes your dysphoria from when you first came out can drastically contradict the way you present later in life#such as transmasc people no longer wanting to bind or transfem people no longer wanting to tuck
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hey man. if youre complaining about the actors in the borderlands movie being "too old" for the roles. i wanna remind you that in the trailer alone, for a bl1 based movie, hyperion is branded yellow and white instead of red and black, tina is the same age shes supposed to be in 2, krieg has escaped hyperion when jack isnt even supposed to be ruling yet, and fuckin. mouthpiece from bl3 was there. just off the top of my head. i could find more lore inconsistencies if i tried
frankly i think the only issue with the casting is how many of them are zionists and the fact that theyre trying to make roland a comedic character played by kevin hart when hes supposed to be the straight man. like. come on. roland is the only even slightly normal one out of the first games vault hunters (i really dont care that much at the end of the day, thats just my main gripe besides the zionism)
#borderlands#daring to main tag this#i just think its stupid to complain about the ages of the actors when. theyre already fucking the lore up severely anyway#besides. jamie lee curtis seems like she plays tannis REALLY well#id gladly take actors who are too old for their roles than too young#and imma be real. ill take lilith looking like anything other than a generic video game girl im sorry#also imma be real if you ever expected a borderlands movie to be good youre delusional#the games writing has always been pretty bad#mr anthony bitch and dameon clarke were what carried so much of the story people remember#and they arent helping in this movie at all#this isnt about anyone in specific btw ive just seem multiple people complaining about it#and i think its stupid
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The past couple days online have been... interesting. I consider myself a leftist, think capitalism is corrupt, and think that it needs to be seriously reformed/overthrown. I admit that while I've thrown around phrases and terms like "burn it all down" and "the revolution needs to come" out of frustration without actually thinking about what a revolution entails: excellent organization, unity, and strategy to defeat the United States, the world's largest military superpower which has inflicted political and social destabilization across the majority of countries around the world. There also needs to be superb infrastructure and community to support the disabled, elderly, and poor populations who rely on government assistance and programs, healthcare, and accommodations while this so-called revolution rages on.
All I've received from the far leftist movement are lectures from condescending intellectuals who rattle off academic citations regarding ideological theory rather than practical, tangible steps to advocate for change in our local and regional communities. I have not seen one of them actually discuss conversations they've had with their friends, family, or Americans about what they want to see reflected for the future of the country. I have not seen one of them discussed how destructive, detrimental and traumatic a Trump presidency was for social prejudice and morale in the United States. I understand that for many marginalized groups they've been living in a facist state for centuries so the possibility Project 2025 doesn't galvanize them to see the two parties differently, but I don't think it is fair to white leftists falsely equivocate the election of both parties for the entire American population at all??? Or like at least specify the issues you're referring to in which you view both parties as the same????? Literally one TikTok creator who I used to follow talked about how true leftists are so much better than liberals because they aren't waiting for a presidential candidate to save the world NOW due to the accelerated apocalypse due to climate change but when asked how to change the world they suggest sharing ideas of your future utopia with other leftist groups. How the fuck is sitting around talking about living in a walkable community is great considered "saving the world now"? How are you going to dismantle and restructure American infrastructure to create these communities? How are you going to remove existing racial and social tensions to create a community where everyone lives happily side by side? Do people not consider reality at all?????
And is it not wrong for people to have a fucking sliver of optimism and hope at incremental change that's achieved within the corrupt bipartisan system of American politics, even if they know it's propaganda??? Is it wrong for people to have a singular fucking moment of relief in feeling like their values, beliefs, and lives will be better protected and THEY can advocate for change better??? Is it wrong when there's a couple months until the most pressing election in recent history for people to make the choice they feel will reduce the most amount of harm???
#literally i've seen some leftists post like the people in the us could never handle the torture that the us inflicts in other countries#like seriously what the actual fuck do you not think most people are struggling here and dying of preventable diseases and being subjected#to hate crimes mental health crisis systemic racism sexism etc.#why the fuck arent you actually helping your community and helping them see how foreign and domestic policy are tied instead of screaming#like so much of this virtue signaling and not being grounded in reality drives me crazy#and im fucking tired of not being allowed to feel happiness about anything unless it's morally socially perfect how the fuck are we suppose#to move the needle if we never fucking feel happy????? like what after your disorganized revolution the way your room is disorganized i can#be happy that i live in a perfect utopia?? NO! that's not how the fucking world works get a grip#i never believed in working within the system but at least other more reasonable leftists have offered tangible solutions to sway politicia#in our favor and retain a little bit of our rights#like this one woman was saying union organizers align themselves with democrats strategically not because they agree with the party but#so that democrats will count on their vote and money and in turn advocate for union rights#like i feel like a far leftist would be like omg how dare you align with the democrats!!! but like honey!!! what the fuck are we supposed t#do??? stick our fucking nose up at the current political system unless we get everything we want to move the party further to the right and#then wake up one day and realize because we were waiting for a perfect system all our fucking rights are gone?????#bffr#i know i am going to lose all of my followers for this post#grace rants#politics#donald trump#kamala harris#joe biden#jd vance#project 2025#2024 elections#also to be clear this is what i feel right now because of the delayed discussion of far-leftism and options and campaigning for candidates#if leftists actually get together and UNIFY and fucking do something i'll consider inching forward to the revolution#but screaming the system is corrupt without giving people solutions or action steps and just giving them severe anxiety is unhelpful
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no wait i said i had nothing to offer re: cantovii but actually for realsies the way the cast treats donqui Does make me a little mad
#limbus spoilers#canto vii spoilers#piktalk#projmoon#it kinda feels like they stepped back a little on certain character traits too; in general; but im not confident enough to vouch for it#there were several 'oh youre doing that again?' moments there#but also yeah like im not gonna expect everyone t just let her do what she wants but man. Man ?#the 'we never once listened to any of donquis stories' NOT ONCE??? NOT A SINGLE ONE OF YOU??#were you all just genuinely fucking ignoring her That Hard? guys???#im very interested where were pushing with the 'she never told a single story about Herself' thing#treating her like a damn animal.. guys cmon.. AND LIKE!! SHE DOES REACH OUT TO PEOPLE TOO!!#shes Her obviously but like!! she does try to help where she can!! she Notices things when people are off!!#they arent even gonna offer a little Anything to her??#it kinda rounds back to the issue i felt abt distance between the cast. n like yeah that could just be th type of story theyre telling#th type of feeling to convey. but also. its so frustrating. im glad characters are getting their moments. i Do want don to Snap though.#i could continue. i wont though. category 5 tags event
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like this latest thought train was sparked by recent stuff on the ao3 subreddit (which finally made me delete reddit for the last time god bless) but i see these same sentiments on here and on youtube & across the internet . i think some people just don't get that critique is a hobby and artform for many ... not everyone who says something Harsh about your work is an obsessive hater
#someone in particular was like 'it's weird to be mad abt shit someone made for free' and im like nigga ppl been dragging B movies for#decades? someone even made a youtube vid on an embarassing fic i wrote at 13 and i didnt die from it ... they didnt @ me or anything they#just made the video and i happened to see it years later and im still an artist still making shit#and op was like 'you don't see how that's weird behavior' NO i dont see how it's weird for the public to react to my art#that's not to say criticism cant/doesn't STING sometimes but as long as theres no ad hominem attacks or bigotry#why should it be 'weird' for them to react?#public spaces arent art therapy sessions and i say this as someone been in art therapy several times
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Returned to Starbound for a bit recently, and decided to make more homes in the rest of the major planet types!
Used a lot of generated structures again, but had to hand make some stuff for the arctic and lava planets (neither of those biomes have generated structures) and couldn't find anything particularly good on the savannah planet.
Original post with the other planet types here
#my post#starbound#the lava planet was an absolute pain to handle though i like how it ended up with the fairly sparse decoration#several times i got fucked over by meteor strikes and at one point had to remake basically the whole little island from scratch#also had to edit the lush one a bit when i realized it was. too tall for screenshot lmao. i like the way it is now better anyway#the outfits were a little hard to puzzle out bc i tried to keep from reusing anything from the first set of homes#while checking the ogs i was slightly hurt to note that i decided on the pink clothing theme partway through bc the forest home has#my character in green clothes with just a pink dyed back piece. a few of the og outfits couldnt be dyed so tried to pick a few in here#with more non-pink like with the arctic and midnight outfits. god it was hard to put together that midnight outfit lol#the snowy one was kinda funny to decide on bc yeah its the snowy home but its made out of a steamspring biome structure#the midnight one was fun bc i had the idea of there being a lot of lighting inside. and i slightly themed the mutated one as grown over#the savannah one was the only one made entirely from scratch and i do really like it#hoping the screenshots arent shitty
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the way i wanna fight this girl at work & turn her into paste so damn bad but instead i gotta play mental gymnastics to make sure me & my friends dont get fired
#personal#idk what her deal even is man !! shes sent several fake emails from burner accounts making up claims were all rude to customers & paints#herself as p much the jesus of the store to the point upper management had gotten involved but they wont do shit bc they dont have ‘proof’#which is like okay yeah its heresay but we all know its her & have proof its her but bc its outside of work shit we have we cant use it to#get her white ass fired 🙄 esp now that shes claiming my friends are doing drugs on the clock & planning to kill ppl#which is not true ????? but management hates the shit out of us so they arent doing anything to even help us while were getting harassed#in silence lolll like. man 😭
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btw I don’t know if this is a thing anyone is thinking about but I’m not gonna stop drawing Jimmy as a canary. It’s a lovely bird. It’s still something that’s been really important to his series. There’s no reason to drop the canary headcanon just cuz Lizzie fell into the void.
#warning: don’t open up these tags I went on a very heated and rather unrelated rant cuz I’ve been mad#trafficblr#life series#secret life spoilers#secret life smp#jimmy solidarity#also I’m sick of seeing ppl celebrate Jimmy surviving because they hate the canary curse fans like SHUT UP!!! LET US HAVE FUN GOD!!!#LIKE LITERALLY EVEN IF NOBODY CAME UP WITH THE CANARY METAPHOR WE WOULD STILL BE TALKING ABOUT HOW HES ALWAYS DYING OK WE DIDNT MAKE UP THAT#HE DIES FIRST HE JUST DOES. GOD. so what if some people make shakespeare sounding posts about the curse that I don’t understand. we are JUST#having fun and making connections where we don’t need to BECAUSE ITS FUN. NOT CUZ WE DONT CARE ABOUT ANYTHING ELSE. sorry for the past few#days I’ve been genuinely mad at this fandom’s growing hatred towards its own community.#LIKE IM FINE IF ITS NOT YOUR THING BUT GOD. WE ARENT EVEN DOING ANYTHING 😭😭😭 THE LORE LITERALLY WRITES ITSELF OR IS WRITTEN BY MARTYN LOL#I’ve just been getting SO TILTED man. like ohhh yeah okay ur right i said too much guess I won’t say anything anymore#does anyone else genuinely not know wtf ppl are talking about when they say a certain hc takes over everything about the character#cuz I literally see so much varied Jimmy content yet I’ve seen several ppl complain that ppl ignore aspects of his character in favor of#WHATEVER when I literally don’t see that happening to him. step out of ur circle or something I don’t even HAVE a circle man
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i actually have a hard time understanding childe's character and is mostly because of other people's takes + im like so scared of mischaracterizing him
#like when ppl where saying he doesnt kill and people were calling that mischaracterisation#and then they turned around and called him a sociopath who doesnt care about others (sooo not true its painful)#its not that its a middle ground- both versions are just. not him#i think childe kills not because he's some homicidal maniac but because its his duty to the tsaritsa#and while he does not do it on text from my pov is like heavily implied? yk? her majestys weapon?? feared in battle?#but the word duty is important#i think childe wants to be good- more than anything#he wants to be a good brother and a good son and a good comrade#and being a harbinger is what has allowed him to do so#being her majesty's weapon is both a prision and liberty for him#he can take care of his family. he can find strong opponents. he can gain strength.#he cant make meaningful connections with others. he cant always do the work he wants to do. he cant (always) be the good guy#last part is the most important to me. its clear during liyue he didn't enjoy putting innocents at risk#but he does so anyway- out of duty#and here is My Interpretation: childe knows his position and knows it will force him to hurt others#which he doesnt enjoy#and to cope with that he seems to have convinced himself that if he only hurts those who are bad then it means he himself is not bad#for childe that is enough. except we know it isnt#the fatui is a deeply unethical organization- even if their goals are pure their means arent and we know that#childe thinks that separating himself from his coworkers and just trying to hurt those who he (or the fatui) deems as bad is enough#but it isnt enough ! because he still is contributing to said organization- he is by extenction enabling their unethical actions#he isnt good#and thats what i love about him#him not killing wouldnt make sense because then what is his internal struggle? why is then that the older members of his family hold +#so much contempt for him#if he were just a silly malewife who just likes to battle - why would his father have sent him to the fatui in the first place#along the same vein him enjoying killing and finding no issue with it wouldnt make sense either#because again then where is the conflict- by several voicelines is clear childe doesnt care much about himself / has a low self esteem#childe knows whats right and whats wrong and he knows that what he is and what he does isnt right#yet he still does it. out of naivety or (and i like this answer more) duty
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being reminded that one of the reasons i dont go on my insta account that i use for family and irl connections often is because some of them piss me off with the posts they share on their stories
#what is it with autistic cis white dudes in my age group and being so easily enamored#with anything military related#also my parents close friend who says shes not transphobic but shares transphobic posts on her story#along with conservative conspiracy bullshit#and i just have to wonder if my parents are aware of these viewpoints of hers and if they just somehow arent bothered#ughhh im not one to sever irl connections just because i think someone has shit viewpoints#even though i dont know that it aligns with my morals#maybe partially bc i just dont have many irl friends im close with in the first place#but god i get fed up idk#also i really wish i knew that family friend was into that shit before being open with her about my own queerness.#because idk if she acts like that especially without thinking shes even transphobic she didnt deserve that openness from me#vent
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god i am so tired
#this is not in relevance to anything#but like. yeah#need to address thwt my energy has been at a lopsided low#and has been for a while. and i just hope i can get back to making things#the mental demon has hands. claws even. and they arent going down w/o a fight#and between… A while now. and currently; i cannot fight. i would like to be assed to but i cannot#its really unfortunate because theres some cool stuff i wanna make but… yeah. cant really do that without drive or motiviation.#i gues s this is me saying: I am not dead in any resemblance of the form. Just really exhausted though wanting to be present#i will say that being present within remotely populated discord server severely drains me of my energy. and this is worth noting about me#yeag just felt like i needed to say this#apart from that. merry artfight month (hasnt attacked anyone yet#^slimsqueaks
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Genuine question. When did Azriel question his religion? I’ve seen E/riel’s say that he questioned his religion in the bonus chapter for Elain and I’m not sure when he did. Unless when he asked Rhys “what if the Cauldron was wrong”, but other than that I can’t think of when he did.
Recently an E/riel said “my favorite thing about azriel is that his response to elain having a mate that isn't him was basically, "well then this whole continents religion is wrong" which is the most melodramatic thing he could have possibly said. And then he like immediately finds out he was correct and there's no way he's ever going to shut up about it. when he inevitably starts describing her using religious imagery i will simply perish.”
I’ve always seen religious imagery being used for Gwynriel and not E/riel. I’ve thought this for a while now, but I’m scared to say anything (or if one day I want to make edits of them with religious imagery) because I don’t want E/riel’s to accuse me of “copying their aesthetic” (never mind that they copy Feysand’s). But it does make sense, at least to me, to have religious symbolism/imagery for Gwynriel. Gwyn is literally a priestess. Gwyn and Azriel. The saint and the sinner. If E/riel’s use religious as a headcanon then that’s obviously fine. We all have our own headcanons, but if I ever use religious themes for Gwynriel, then I really hope that I don’t get run off of Tumblr because of it.
Also, E/riel’s keep saying that the Cauldron is corrupted and the mating bond is fake (when they were so dead set on their ship being about rejecting the bond), but we already know that the Cauldron is corrupted. This was brought up in ACOMAF and ACOWAR. Shouldn’t E/riel’s also be bringing up Feysand’s and Nessian’s mating bond, too then? And I think the one who decides the mating bond is The Mother or some higher being (SJM herself).
that's because he didn't question his religion, he questioned his self worth. that chapter showed me at least, that az is more religious than i previously thought. he feels like the mother, the cauldron, whoever decides mates, finds him so unworthy that he doesn't deserve a predestined soulmate like his brothers. he feels left out and alone. no where was he questioning anything for elain, he was questioning why elain wasn't "given" to him. i'd even bet he's had similar thoughts about mor before because ultimately it's not about elain or mor or any other woman, it's about himself
he... never ever said anything close to that. like that description of his conversation with rhys is so misconstrued, i'm honestly impressed. they have imaginations, i'll give them that!
gwynriel has had the religious aesthetics since february of 2021 and we've never had to resort to "stealing" from that side but they sure do like to turn around and steal from every other ship in the series! what's that saying, rules for thee but not for me? something along those lines. e/riels stay being the biggest hypocrites i've ever seen
anon, i know this fandom can be scary (especially lately) but i promise you if you decide to share anything like that, the love will outweigh any hate you might receive. and if anyone is giving you a hard time just message me privately and i'll be mean right back to them for you, ok? i would love to see all the lovely things you create and i know every other gwynriel would too!!! 💖
yup! the cauldron being corrupted was like the main plot of feyre's trilogy lol this isn't anything new. but as you and others have pointed out, if the cauldron has made faulty bonds, it wouldn't just apply to elucien. you'd have to call into question every other known bond in the series. but of course e/riels don't think logically, nevermind the fact that mate bonds are decided at birth, at the earliest, and not just something that's made up in the moment like they seem to think
rhys had visions of feyre and believed she was his mate as a human. cassian suspected the same of nesta when she was human. elain and lucien didn't become mates the second she turned, their bond has been written into the tapestries of fate since before either of them were even alive. you'd think they'd learn a thing or two about how the series treats soulmates, or even just the soulmate trope in general, before they try to deconstruct it in their lame attempts at making a "compelling" romance
#also i saw a meme an e/riel made recently about elain severing her bond to lucien and they put bond#in quotations and i found that ironic since isnt their bond supposed to be fake according to them?#if its fake why would elain have to do anything to break it?? theyre really all over the place arent they lol#antielriel#anti e/riel#asks#anonymous
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like out of all the many, many traumas ive given elspeth my favorite has gotta be the deep roads lol. and specifically the way she never really got OUT of them. yeah so maybe her body did but not HER. shes still down there with ruck and helspith every time she closes her eyes. and during future expeditions when she goes down into the deep roads for real, it doesnt feel like some horrible nightmare it feels like REALITY and its the surface and love and warmth and alistair thats nothing more than a pleasant dream. one shes always going to wake up from. bc even in her happiest moments she's never not aware of the darkspawn digging up towards her just a few miles under her feet. and never not feeling the eyes of the deep roads looking at her, gleefully waiting for her, and knowing its not going anywhere
#i love shale but for elspeth's worldstate i dont recruit her bc im so obsessed w the dynamic of it being elspeth/alistair/oghren/the dog lol#oc: elspeth#tay plays dao#she got SEVERE shell shock being down there in the dead trenches after the realization that came from helspith's poem#why shes never seen any female darkspawn and why there apparently arent as many female wardens either#and like. Understanding that death is the absolute best case scenario for her.#alistair had to 100000% step up as the leader because she was completely out of commission. barely able to breathe let alone fight or lead#going from this unstoppable warrior who NEVER loses her nerve or control on a battlefield#to nearly dying to the broodmother bc she was so fucking terrified. bc all she could see was her own fate mirrored back at her#finally FINALLY understanding what it means to be a grey warden. and then trying to reject that reality with her entire body and soul#she pulls herself out of it enough to get out alive but she never had a moment of like... triumph over the deep roads where she had a burst#of courage and saved the day or whatever. thats not usually how trauma works and so alistair carried them thru that#thru the broodmother and the anvil and branka and back to orzammar just as elspeth was beginning to put herself back together#afterwards the lack of closure to what was one of her ''weakest'' lowest moments rly weighed her down with guilt and shame#and its only a year later during awakening when she finally reconciles with having NO choice but to go back into the deep roads#and being able to kill the mother. THAT helped. that restored some small part of her#gave her the strength to start going back down there when the need arose. resigned to an early death but ready to put up a fight#but ye. still such a fundamentally devastating thing she went thru which altered her entire personality to the point where she starts fully#embracing being a warden (bc how can someone who's seen what shes seen and done what shes done be anything else???)#and INSISTING alistair take the throne despite having always been supportive of his desire not to. even if it means she loses him.#bc its a last ditch effort to save him from the fate she's completely surrendered herself to#sigh. this game man.#i need dadw to Confirm that the grey wardens have found a cure and alistair and hof are safe because jesus christ. my girl NEEDS a win
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fucking up this jamoca cappuccino blast from br while listening to cibo matto. im going to impale myself on yhis straw because i am Half Asleep
#we didnt get back from the fuckhole that is pomona until 5am last night bc of the whole car situatiom#last night was so#so evil. we got taken to a gas station to get our tires changed by some dude w an#ginormous plumbers crack (i could have stuck a wad of $5s in there for his handywork) and his buddy wearing an fsociety tee together they#TOOK FOUR HOURS TO DO ANYTHING#THEY KEPT SITTING AROUNF AND LIKE. CALLING RANDOM ASS PEOPLE . FOR ADVUCE#arent you guys Literally Professionals. Why Are You Asking How To Change A Tire Stem#and then midway through that someone on the highway across from us lit a dumpster on fire and it was blazing for#30 mins and chuffing out black smoke while my dad called 911 to get someone out there bc we thought it was a car crash#AND THEN I FOUND A BAG FILLED W HUMAN FECES AND USED NAPKINS TIED NEATLY IN A BOW THAT STILL SMELED SO BAD..#by the time we got home i felt like a husk of a person no one was open w a bathroom except yumyum donuts and i did get a donut#that was the only highlight of last night. my dad kept apologizing to me and the kids like. dude its not your fault we hit a giant pothole#otw home#we Could Not See It#but why did chp and triple a take several hours Plus 25+ phonecalls each to let us know the insurance expired.#and the chp officer tjat had to babysit us on the side of the road to ensure we didnt get ran over or killed pn the highway#w#lookef so pissed off at us for being stranded 😐 they r always soo mad#THAT WHOLE SITUATION WAS SEVEN HOURSSS#Six flags was spo fun thooo
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#well. today was a nice day of not doing anything but drawing really. theres an au where i went to art school and am a happier person lol#except not really bc im sure my head would ruin that too. anyway. its a shame i have to return to the pain tomorrow. i have so much to grade#plus a paper to write plus data to work with. a protocol to figure out. and an exam to study for and a final project thatll kill me#god. i also have to get ready for lab Monday. christ. and what shall i say to my therapist Tuesday? well we could try to tackle the deep set#looming issue that prevents me from getting better in our tiny 50min session or i could be like listen. just fucking listen. let me give u#the case 4 and against me having adhd so i can stop feeling fucking nuts. just like give me feedback. ya kno?#it would b inattentive bc im not hyper unless im losing my mind and bordering on hyp0mania. but my focus is something i cant control#executive functioning has always been a problem but now im so worn down im in danger of actual consequences. and its not just things i dont#wanna do. im not just anxiously avoiding. i cant start tasks and stick with them. i flip back and forth and get nothing done. i spiral#sometimes for hours. im not doing anything fun im just not doing anything. frozen in anguish. i dont even wanna think abt how much money ive#lost by not filling out reimbursement sheets which arent hard to do. theyre easy i just never do them. why??? i dont fucking kno. but im not#forgetful. im thinking constantly abt these things. i just cant make them happen. theyre stuck buffering. i do have memory issues tho#my short term working memory is like that of a literal child. so i cant follow complex instructions. i constantly need new info. constantly#need sound. spoken words plus music at the same time. but the main reason i need an answer to this is the reading issue. which is that im#dyslexic but also my thoughts r like an interfering frequency. without realizing ill b thinking and not reading. its a problem no matter#what im reading. its severely disruptive. i will physically read out loud to try to hold my attention in place and still get distracted by#my own head. do u kno how frustrating it is to read something aloud 3 times and not know wtf u just read bc u arent thinking abt anything#interesting u would rsther b reading but u can't fucking pay attention long enough. genuinely if its not adhd and i cant get medication to#fix my focus issues i dont kno wtf im gonna do. im so bad at reading and its extremely frustrating. but is it just dyslexia? idk what i#described doesn't fucking seem normal or like a reading problem. sounds like a focus issue. so riddle me that#idk ive got adhd on both sides of my family plus my focus fluctuates with ny hormones plus homones possibly induce hyp0mania. like i mean#ive got other issues which make a diagnosis difficult to parse but like i feel like that's decent evidence for possibly adhd? my friend said#she was always worried she had a brain tumor before she was diagnosed. to me ive always felt like my brain is full of holes. im missing the#parts that would let it operate correctly. the frontal lobe is just fucked. ugh. i wonder how much accommodation i could get from the#disability office if i actually went to them. i wont bc im fucked up and i dont think they could actually do anything for me at this stage#but alas im curious. ugh. y do i do this to myself? i kno y but not enough time for that in 50min. bad attitude mostly. half my brain#just craves death. the other half is just trying to tread water but its hard with someone trying to drown u. so its all fucked#unrelated
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