#they always wake up before me so I never see the coffee package

[elminx]

The State of Elminx

Tred, unmotivated. It's too hot (heat indexes well over 95f all week, and we don't have central air).

My partner returned home last night with the realization that they bought decaf beans last time...which explains the lack of motivation and headaches all week long.

I've actually gotten a lot done, considering.

[actually-safer-to-kiss]

grumpy!reader x sunshine!spencer

Ruffled Feathers

Summary: Spencer wants to go grocery shopping early while Reader prefers sleeping in.

Couple: Spencer Reid/Fem!Reader

Category: Fluff

Content warnings: none

Word count: 1.1k

A/N: thank you for the request, love 🩵

“Let’s get the grocery shopping done early,” Spencer said at seven in the morning. “That way we have the rest of the day to spend at my place if we want," he said. The word “early” has a completely different meaning to you than to your peppy, early-bird boyfriend.

While you believe early is 9 am and anything before that should be considered unnatural, Spencer is always up before the sun. It’s pretty common to wake up to sunlight forcing your eyes to open while Spencer is in the living room on his second cup of coffee and rereading Tolstoy or Dickens. He never minds you sleeping in. He’ll even offer to make your coffee if he sees you peeling the covers off.

He offered you a cup this morning, and God did you take every drop. You got halfway through the second cup before Spencer was already itching to leave. Something else Spencer enjoys a lot is grocery shopping, eager like a puppy ready for the park. Luckily he offered to drive while you nursed on your second cup, shielding it from any hazardous bumps on the way.

You could admit your frustration with Spencer not giving you the time to wake up before heading out, but your silence throughout the drive says plenty. He’s familiar with it. It’s the silence that comes with five hours of sleep. He understands this is not a time to dabble in the produce section or the dairy aisle. He also understood you were ready to leave before even getting started, as you didn’t even try to change out of your pajamas.

That is one of the best things about having a profiler as a boyfriend. All the subtle cues and behavior changes he picks up on, and if he knows you well enough, he acts accordingly. So when he puts the car in the park, you feel him watching you take that last satisfying gulp of sugary liquid. Caffeine courses through your blood as you shakily put your travel mug between you in the cup holder. You both don’t speak a word when Spencer hands you a folded-up sheet of paper. You unfold it and read his scribbles: milk, cheese, ice cream, peanut butter, celery, sliced apples.

You look at Spencer. “There’s not much on mine.” Your voice is still groggy, but you clear it to sound more awake. It doesn’t work.

“I can take care of the rest.” He tells you, holding up his half (⅔ technically). “You can meet me at the checkout and we’ll be ready to head home.”

You nodded, mostly at the end of that sentence. Because crawling back into bed after a brief productive period has never sounded so heavenly. You were literally dressed for the occasion and suddenly eager to grocery shop, knowing this list is brief and the store is small. You’ll be done in minutes.

Upon entering the store, you and Spencer grab your respective shopping carts and split up. Spencer takes his cart and kicks on, his left foot perched onto the cart as he glides forward like a ballerina turned rogue from her box. You, however, patrol up and down, finding items in various orders. The brands you’re used to were in plenty. You even grabbed an extra jar of peanut butter for your secret (sometimes inebriated) snacking purposes.

Remembering said snacking ventures, you recall your favorite candy bar. You also recall how you’ve been low on stock at your place for weeks since they’re only sold at Spencer’s local store. The candy aisle is feet away at this point, so the decision is obvious. You charge toward it, with the brand and packaging in mind. You scan the shelves up and down, prominent brands obvious with saturated wrappers and bold lettering. At the end of the aisle, though, you learn the hard way that the candy bars, your candy bars, are out of stock.

Granted, it’s not a big deal. But it’s also a very big deal.

You try to drown out the deep sound of your disappointment. It strikes your soul, yet you push on, toward the self-checkout area. Spencer is already there, scanning items, and waving you over as if you didn’t already see him. You use your caffeine-coated might to push the cart along, past the forming line.

You give Spencer your items, per his request for extra points on his value card. You also let him bag and place them in the cart. Spencer nods and smiles as he reviews each item. The beep of the scanner is almost perfect with his efficiency and the look of small joys on his face is nearly enough to drown out your slightly exaggerated despair. Caffeine can help you behave the opposite, even though exhaustion is soon to follow.

You look back to find your cart empty, the other filled with eight bags. You both head to the exit and then to the car, each carrying four bags. The sun begins to blaze and the early summer heats up your fuzzy pajamas. The car is mere feet away as sweat breaks. Spencer, of course, cannot relate. Because every time you look over from one end of the parking lot to the other, he has this smirk on his face that you can't quite read.

You open Spencer's car's back door and put your bags in first. After shaking your arms from the burn of the weighted plastic bags left behind, you reach for the passenger door. Spencer, on the other hand (literally, he’s still holding bags, risking spillage), reaches out for your wrist. With your fingers wrapped around the handle, you look at your boyfriend with questioning eyes. He gives you one of the bags, leaving its own imprint on his skin. He says, "Take it," his smirk grows.

One eyebrow pricks up with a look of suspicion. All questions in your mind fall under the What Did You Do? Category. You take it anyway, with both hands as you let go of the door handle. “Do I ask?”

“Look at the bottom.”

You do as told, continuing to stare as you send your hand on a spelunking mission for secrets you’re not sure what to feel about. The matte finish with raised lettering screams out something very special. Your fingers brush against the sharp corners of the foil layer in the middle, and you count three of them: candy bars. Your favorite candy bars. You look up at Spencer. And as your skepticism melts into a soft pout, Spencer does the same. Is he mocking you? Yes. Does it soon morph into genuine pride at being the best boyfriend ever? Also yes.

And after your expression melts, your arms do too as they fall limp around Spencer’s waist. You hug him tight while burying your face in his chest.

[hachyxd-blog]

Ray´s B-day fanfic <3

"Today, years ago, my favorite yandere was born from all the visual novels I've had the fortune to see or play. I can separate fiction from reality, but I don't think I'm the only one who would like to be there to hug Ray and give him a little peace. As a small gift, I wanted to make a short fanfic of my coffee addict alongside a little drawing to complement it. I apologize in advance if it's not understood well, English is not my language and I'm using a translator."

@concreteparasite Gracias por crear tal maravilla.

Happy birthday.

Who would have thought it would be possible to keep a secret from the great Binary star. Mc laughed happily in the kitchen as she finished washing the dishes. It had been just over a year since she moved into Ray's home. At first, it wasn't easy; it seemed like the option to leave was given, or rather, it was never up for discussion. After much talking, they managed to make it work together: Mc wouldn't be confined to her new home, but she would always stay in touch with Ray when she went out.

Truth be told, it's not like she could keep a secret from him; after all, he possessed the incredible ability to read minds, but she trusted him not to read hers all the time. Mc really believed it was impossible to turn on her mind... until she discovered it. On her maternal side, she spoke Spanish, and unconsciously she had been thinking in that language, discovering a weakness to Ray's ability. He seemed annoyed that he couldn't fully understand, but there was nothing he could do.

Today, in particular, he seemed very upset. I concentrated as best I could so that the only language I thought in was Spanish and not to ruin the surprise.

"Tell me what you're thinking..." Ray's voice appeared behind me, his hands wrapped around my hips as he rested his chin on my shoulder. The height difference between us was cute.

"I'm not thinking anything important," I said playfully.

"Stop," he said seriously.

"What?"

"You've been thinking in Spanish all day," His voice sounded annoyed, while I tried to contain my laughter.

"Really? I didn't realize."

"It's annoying."

"Well, darling. It's not the end of the world if you don't know everything that's going on in my mind."

Without responding, Ray left me alone in the kitchen and headed to our room, then came out in his superhero suit. Before me was Binary Star in all his glory, the only difference being that he didn't show that fake smile but still looked upset.

Unknowingly, due to my practice, I had been thinking in Spanish again.

Normally, he would give me a kiss goodbye and go to his vigil shift. But today, he flew off the balcony without looking at me. I won't deny that it hurt me. But it meant I was on the right track to keep the surprise.

Ray came back around 5 in the morning. Half-asleep, I felt him walking around the room before lying down on the other side of our bed. It seems he's still upset because he didn't hug me as he always does.

The next morning, I let him sleep, it helped that we slept separately, so I got out of bed easily. After putting on my robe, I went downstairs and asked the neighbor for my package. I had gotten a chocolate cake with coffee to celebrate Ray's birthday. But if I kept it in our house, he would realize I was planning in Spanish. The neighbor agreed to keep the cake at his house along with my gift.

I went back home, made coffee, and took the cake out of its box, and my gift was already on the tray.

In our room, Ray was still asleep. I cleared my throat and started singing "Happy Birthday."

Ray looked for a moment and then covered his face with his pillow. I could see that lovely smile; he was embarrassed.

I left things on the bedside table and threw myself to hug and kiss Ray; I knew I should have let him sleep more, but I couldn't contain myself after all these days preparing the surprise.

In no time, I was caught in his arms.

"Everything... was for this," His voice sounded deeper from just waking up, but he seemed happy.

"Yes, did you forget your own birthday?" I joked, stroking his soft hair, and running my hand over his cheek. "Ignoring them doesn't mean you stop aging, old man."

"No, I just don't usually celebrate it." He ignored my joke and just passed his hand over his face, somewhat frustrated.

"Well, get used to it. This might be the only birthday I manage to keep a surprise. Next year, you'll know what to expect." I exclaimed proudly.

Ray smiled, keeping his eyes closed; maybe it was the fact that he now had someone to be with him for the following birthdays that made him take this even more joyfully.

"If you don't want cake now, we can save it for later." I gave a glance to the table with his cake and gift, along with his essential morning coffee.

"How about the gift?" He pointed to the purple box. "Can I have it now?"

It was at this moment that nerves increased from zero to a hundred. Everything would be decided at this moment.

"Of course," I handed over the gift, watching as he slowly unwrapped it.

Ray's eyes widened as he looked at the contents of the box and then at me, pulling out two handmade dolls of them and a pregnancy test. After a moment of silence, Mc cleared her throat.

"D-don't think I'll give you a gift like this every year." I laughed nervously.

"Since when—" maybe it was shock, but his voice sounded distant, as if he didn't completely believe what was happening.

"I-it's still early, I haven't been to the doctor yet." Ray looked at me as if I had committed a crime. "I-it would have ruined the surprise."

Ray went from surprise to anger to simply accepting the inevitable: the love of his life was forgetful.

"I swear I feel fine. But you're happy, I mean, we talked about this in the past, but maybe you were thinking of another time in the future... I..."

Ray's hands took me by my cheeks, cradling my face, to give me a tender kiss.

"I am, I mean, I'm so happy that I'd like to hold you so tight in my arms and show you how excited I am about this." He gave me a subdued smile.

"Ray, what's wrong?"

"What if I don't do it right, being a good father?"

"Well, no father is prepared for this. We'll learn together..."

I could see Ray's face relax at my touch and my words. His hands surrounded my back, pulling me into a tight hug.

"Happy birthday..."

"Thank you..." His whisper was weak, but I felt genuine gratitude.

"Next year, we won't be alone on your next birthday, Mr. Dad."

We stayed hugged for a while. I didn't know what was going through Ray's mind, but whatever it was, I would be with him.

When I set out to eat the cake, I was interrupted by Ray, who carried me to the shower to get ready to go to the hospital. It was funny how from one moment to the next, our small bathroom became a dangerous area in Ray's eyes: slippery floor, sharp-cornered furniture, and a bathtub where I could drown, among many other dangerous things. He took out his phone and started calling to have our entire home redesigned to make it safe for me and our upcoming baby. And may God have mercy on the people in charge if I ever got hurt, no matter how insignificant it was.

If this was going to be my life from now on, it would be a long nine months.

"Your father has gone crazy," I said as I stroked my still flat belly. "But that's how I love him."

[hellcheer-heaven]

Budding - 90s Pregnant Hellcheer

Beard Eddie photo by @eddiemunsons-missingnipple Click here for the post Thanks for giving me the okay for using your photo edit.

Thank you @a-strange-inkling for proofreading the beginning stages of this short fic. Also please check out both creators listed here.

Waking up early in the morning came naturally to Eddie, it was pretty much a part of himself like the curly locks on his head; and currently the dark hairs sprouting from his face. He looked over at the sleeping woman, hair draped along her shoulders and face so at peace. Chrissy has been getting some much needed rest lately for the sake of her health and for the developing little one in her womb. There was a lovely sort of glow that surrounded her no matter where she went. Even on the days when she felt and proclaimed that she looked like a terrible mess, Eddie reassured her that nothing would dull her sparkle.

It was another quiet, lazy Saturday in their neighborhood. Most of their neighbors were still asleep, say for a few early birds that wanted to get their steps in before breakfast. Eddie occupied himself with whisking raw eggs and adding just a bit of milk to give it that fluffy texture that Chrissy liked. He practically tore open the entire package of bacon, nearly loosing a few stragglers, but thankfully his lightening fast reflexes caught the flying pork. The coffee maker bubbled as he placed the large glass container beneath the dispenser. Before he could turn on the stove, Chrissy’s sudden gasp caused him to rush to the room.

“PleasebeokayPleasebeokayPleasebeokay!” His mind begged. Eddie nearly lost his balance as he ran down the carpeted hallway before catching himself, firmly planting his feet onto the ground. “Chrissy? Baby? Are you okay? Do you need to go to the emergency room?!”

Chrissy’s back faced him, her blue eyes gazing into the mirror with quite the wide eyed stare. “Eddie… I…”

Eddie was afraid something absolutely terrible must have happened, but he had to take a deep breath. “Y-Yes? What is it?”

She slowly turned around, something was quite different with her. Aside from her bump, there was also the newly developed pair of breasts protruding out from Eddie’s nice dress shirt.

She kept herself covered, feeling incredibly embarrassed at how much skin was showing, “Eddie my boobs got bigger!”

He gulped, his mind heavily chastising him for the thoughts that were appearing. He had to think of something, anything to say to his beloved wife.

His face felt so hot and red, “Y-Yeah… yeah they did.”

It’s not like they haven’t seen each other semi to fully nude before. In her current state, this was vastly different than what she or he were used to. They both stared, flabbergasted at the single or possible double cup size increase.

Eddie hurried to readjust his vision, “How do you feel Chrissy?”

Her fingers gently felt along her budding skin, “I feel weird.”

“Do you have to go to the hospital?”

She gave him a reassuring smile, it gave him some relief of his anxiety. “No I’m fine. I just… never really thought they would grow that much.” She faced her reflection, shrugging off the shirt to get a closer look. “It’s just, I look so different.”

Eddie placed a loving hand to her shoulder, she held onto it sweetly. He pecked the top of her head, “Good different or bad different?”

She sighed, “I don’t know. I just… never really imagined that I would actually get big breasts.” Chrissy winced slightly when she held up the tender bundles.

They felt and appeared so oddly shaped to her. Then again having her abdomen sticking out from her small frame was still so unusual to see. Chrissy was always so used to having the body that she had always had: Petite with muscle and a bit of body fat. Nothing out of the ordinary for some people, but the things that her mother said did a number on her self esteem, self image, and self worth. Always making her believe that she was ugly and unattractive in her childhood and especially during adolescence.

Fat pig, string bean, baby face, rabbit teeth, body of a child, too quiet, not lady like, and so much more.

Even when her body began to naturally change during puberty and now during pregnancy, her mother still made it her mission to make her life hell. It’s no wonder Chrissy and her darling husband found a house of their own some towns away from Hawkins.

Eddie moved a lock of her hair behind her ear, “Do they hurt?”

“A little bit.”

He nuzzled into her neck, his voice filled with concern, “Only a little?”

She carefully placed them back down, really considering how she truly felt, “Well, more than a little. They feel sensitive and sore. It’s like I’m going through puberty again, but now I have these and my stomach is…”

Eddie cradled her pretty belly, his warm palms tracing her lovely stretch marks. “You look beautiful Chrissy.”

The lump in her throat started to grow even more, “But I feel like a fat cow.” She shut her eyes tightly, “And I look like one too!”

Eddie just wanted to hug her as tightly as he could, but all he could do was gently wrap his arms around her, leaning in to kiss her cheek. “You’re beautiful Chrissy, no matter what your brain tries to tell you. You’re the most courageous, amazing, and beautiful woman in the whole world.”

She swiped her teary eyes with the backs of her hands, “I wish I could believe that Eddie!”

Eddie turned her around and pecked her face, sweetly and generously giving her as many pecks he could give her until the tiniest smile pulled at her cotton candy colored lips. She softly cooed his name, her tears forming from self loathing to affectionate. She couldn’t prevent her giggles from tumbling out, the scruff tickling her neck as he bent down. Chrissy nibbled her lower lip, watching the way his bubblegum pink mouth planted more and more upon her body. Slowly and earnestly along her breasts, looking up to gauge her reaction: Chrissy was all smiles, batting her eyelashes at him.

She ran her fingers through his curls, “Eddie, that feels really nice. It kinda tickles a little.”

He closed his eyes, his hands caressing the sides of her body as his lips followed the shape of her torso. Wanting to follow every stretch mark with his fingers and tongue, but she was vulnerable and that wouldn’t be fair to her. Instead he placed the side of his face along her bump, breathing lightly as the warm flesh heated his cheek. Eddie looked up and still could see the sunshine smile of his Spring Goddess, her flower bed and fruits growing healthily.

Chrissy cradled his sweet, hairy face, rubbing the apples of his cheeks with her thumbs. His lips proceeded to return back up until their mouths collided, that’s when he heard it again: Laughter. Her laughter was the most wonderful melody that he could ever hear. No amount of string bending, shredding, or tapping would ever compare. They walked over to the bed, and he helped her onto her back, making sure that her pillows were aligned the way they were supposed to be for both support and comfort.

Chrissy curled her pointer finger, wanting a little more love; boy did he deliver. Kisses, kisses, and more kisses. She then began to whimper, the sensitive sensation returning to her breasts once more. Eddie was careful to not put any kind of weight on her, laying next to her and kissing her hand.

“Is there anything I can do to help you?”

She thought for a moment, tapping her fingers upon the mattress to find her answer. What did the moms back in Hawkins suggest during this time? A gentle massage with massage oil was the way to go according to them. He smiled, soon returning with a jar of oil that Mrs. Sinclair, Wheeler, Byers, and Henderson swore by. Thank god for their wisdom and experience, because the last person Chrissy would ever turn to regarding motherhood was her own mom.

They sat there for a moment, the two of them looking back and forth at the jar and her chest.

He gulped nervously, “So… um…”

“I guess you can start,” Chrissy mentioned, still a bit weirded out as well; honestly that makes two of them.

He swallowed, “Y-Yeah. Yup, I’m gonna massage your ti- breasts.” He sighed slowly through his nostrils, “Holy shit her tits are huge. So fucking soft and squishy. Our baby is so lucky.”

She nodded, gulping down as well, “Yeah, you’re gonna touch them.” She proceeded to open the dress shirt, blushing a bit at the sight. “God I feel like a cow! Jesus my tits look like someone sewed cantaloupes in me. Please don’t turn into watermelons! Please!”

Eddie broke the silence, it was probably the stupidest thing he’s said in a while, but he really needed to know. “So I’m not going to squeeze all of your milk out, right?”

Chrissy held his hand, showing him a wonderful grin and a warm chuckle, “No Eddie, my milk isn’t going to come out.”

“I just don’t want to hurt you, sweetheart.”

She held his worried face, “You won’t hurt me, you never have.”

Eddie grinned, moving his face to kiss her palm before warming up the oil in his hands. He could feel the more immature part of his brain telling him to do things to her chest. The rest of his mind continued to scold him before locking up that area. With all distractions put aside, he could then focus on her needs. His tattooed hands and fingers slowly touched the heaping bundles of flesh, following the shape in precise circles. Starting with both and then transitioning to each one individually with his talented hands. Chrissy observed how those inked appendages motioned along her breasts, gazing through her lashes and following the way he very gently sculpted her.

She giggled, “Eddie, I really like that. Ooh, you’re so gentle. I love how sweet you are.”

He gave her a playful wink, “Sweet as honey baby girl.” He stopped momentarily when she softly gasped, his worrying thoughts returning in a flash, “Are you okay?”

“Mmhm, that just felt really, really good.”

His eyes looked between her face and body, “Are you gonna… you know?”

Her brows rose up, nodding slowly and waiting patiently for him to continue. She knew the word, but still wanted to hear it from him, “Am I going to what?”

His fingers started to slowly release her, his bashful smile evidently displayed, “Squirt milk?”

Close enough.

He couldn’t help but hide his face when she started to laugh, very loudly actually. When her giggle fit was over, Chrissy moved his hands aside and pecked the thorn surrounded rose tattoo on the back of one hand.

She placed a curly lock behind his ear, “I’m sorry Eddie, that was just really funny. It’s lactate, baby. That’s the word you’re looking for.” Chrissy held up her bosoms, giving them a gentle squeeze, “And no the doctor said it’ll be a while before that happens. Actually they could end up getting larger.”

“Really?” He sounded a little hopeful, something that Chrissy slyly smirked at to which Eddie changed his tone. “I mean… um… that sucks.”

“Pun intended Eddie?”

He gave her a cute pout before smirking himself, “Geez Chrissy, you’re really putting me between a rock and a hard place.”

Chrissy snickered, “Well I’m sure resting your head on something soft might ease the tension.”

Was she being serious or just joking? Either way he was pleased knowing that she was happy, comfortable, and safe. They hardly said anything for the remainder of the morning as he commenced with massaging her. Nothing much had to be said, their smiles were enough. The gentle touches were enough. Their kisses were enough.

They were enough.

[notsocheezy]

Brain Curd #102

Brain Curds are lightly edited flash fiction - practically first drafts - posted daily (haven't missed one yet!) and sometimes written with the express intention of being terrible… but, you know, in an endearing way. Please like and reblog if you enjoy - the notes keep me going!

Reggie barged in unannounced as Clint sat on the couch with his laptop, drafting an email.

“Clint! Clint! You’re not gonna believe this!”

“What?”

“They’re back!” He dumped a grocery bag onto the coffee table, forming a mountain of snacks.

“Oh my God,” Clint said, sorting through the pile. He pulled out a flat, rigid package. “Cereal Straws! I always loved these!”

“And Oreo Cakesters! Remember them?”

“Yeah, weren’t they banned for being full of trans fat?”

“I think so, yeah,” he took a large bite of one. “But I’m pretty sure they just use palm oil now.”

“Nice!” Clint crunched into a Froot Loop Straw. “This takes me back, man. Even the way it coats the roof of my mouth in some kinda wax.”

“For real, dude. Classic.”

Clint searched the pile again. “Hey, weren’t there any of the Apple Jacks ones? Those were my favorite.”

“Sorry, I didn’t see any.”

“The Cocoa Krispies ones weren’t even that good. Why’d they bring back those instead of the Apple Jacks ones?”

Reggie shrugged.

Clint leaned back and pondered. “You know what I wish they’d bring back? Yogos. Remember those?”

“Aw, hell yeah! Those were the best! My mom used to put them in my lunch every day back in Elementary school. But you know what was even better?”

“What?”

“Chocodiles.”

“Never heard of ‘em.”

“You - what?!? Bro, you missed out! Okay, listen, basically it’s a Twinkie, right? But they cover it in chocolate.”

“So?”

“It stays moist, man! The chocolate holds in all the moisture so it doesn’t get stale!”

“Don’t Twinkies last forever?”

“That’s a myth. They start going stale right out of the factory. But Chocodiles don’t. They were goddamn magic. I’d kill for one right now.”

“So… they’re like, your chocolate-covered white whale, huh?”

“Pretty much.”

“I get it. Life hasn’t been the same for me since Altoids Sours were discontinued.”

“Now that I think about it, though…” Reggie stared off into the distance. “There was one snack that really had an impact on me.”

“What was it?”

“Goldfish-flavored Goldfish.”

“You mean… the original flavor? The plain ones? They still make those.”

“No. Goldfish-flavored. They tasted like goldfish. Like the pet, the actual fish.”

Clint grimaced and squinted at Reggie. “You’re fucking with me, right?”any

“No. No, I definitely had them. My mom got them for me after my goldfish died. She said we had to mail him to the Pepperidge Farm upstate so they could turn him into crackers. So he could live forever inside me.”

Clint muttered under his breath. “What the fuck…”

“The crackers came in a package shaped like a coffin. But it was made out of paper, and it had that foil on the inside - you know the foil, right? On the inside of a bag of Goldfish?”

Clint nodded, his eyes wide.

“I opened the package and the first thing I remember was the smell. That smell will stick with me for the rest of my days. It’s almost like walking into a fish market, or a sushi restaurant, but with something else mixed in. Maybe the flour, or the riboflavin…”

“Death?” Clint asked.

“Maybe. Anyway… I ate the whole package, then and there. It took me an hour. My mom wouldn’t let me have water, because she said it might wake him up inside my belly if I drank it. And we couldn’t wake him up before he was all together in my stomach. So I kept eating the crackers.”

“Dude…”

“I began to feel ill halfway through. I wanted to stop, to give up. I thought I might vomit. But then, my goldfish would have been gone forever. Trapped in the void between life and death, wedged between worlds, somewhere in the space between. I started hallucinating - the crackers swam in front of me like I was swimming in a fish tank myself. I realized I was smiling, and the snacks smiled back.”

Clint held his stomach. He too felt ill.

“Tears rolled down my face as I chomped down on each and every last cracker. That was the last of him. My goldfish was gone. He would be part of me forever. Forever, Clint! Have you any idea how long that is to go without something?!?”

“What do you mean?”

“For long years, I have hungered for it! For that missing essence, that exotic flavor I only ever tasted in those Goldfish-flavored Goldfish! I need it! If you think that flavor was death…? Then I must taste death!”

“You - y- you’re scaring me, man!” Clint wedged himself in the corner of the couch. He’d never been this terrified.

Reggie shook his head and grinned, chuckling as tears formed in his eyes. “Don’t be scared, Clint.” He pulled out his pocket knife. “You’ll like it at the Pepperidge Farm.”

[5sosfanfictioncatalogue]

Platonic Cuddling Masterlist

Go Ahead Rip My Heart Out (ao3) - spacepixie michael/calum, luke/oc M, 33k (WIP)

Summary: “You waste your money on the dumbest shit.” He murmured under his breath hoping Calum didn’t hear him. But alas the other man did as he shoved Michael roughly in the chest before grabbing his coffee cup and exiting the shop leaving Michael dumbfounded. 

Or 

Angsty Malum & road trip(s)

holding on (ao3) - citiesbelow michael/crystal, mentioned sierra/luke T, 1k

Summary: After their first headlining shows in years, the boys don’t want to split up to go to bed. This is just shameless fluff.

Just Know That It’s The Same For Me (ao3) - slashter michael/luke, calum/ashton, michael/harry E, 5k

Summary: Luke doesn't get what exactly happened between them at the dinner, replays the conversation over and over in her head but to no avail. She's stuck, completely lost, and, to top it all off, still so fucking in love with the one person who won't give her the fucking time of day.  It's absolute shit.

[Or the one where Luke is head over heels for Mikey but Mikey doesn't seem to feel the same way]

Keeping Us Together (ao3) - Strength_in_pain T, 91k (WIP)

Summary: Twenty-two year old Ashton Irwin is the older brother and guardian of his three younger brothers: Michael, Calum, and Luke. He and his brothers are coping with the death of his parents. Ashton has too much responsibility with bills, work, keeping the house in order, and being a full time parent. His three brothers aren't making it easier for him. Ashton is struggling to keep his family together.

maybe this is just as good as it gets (ao3) - bellawritess T, 2k

Summary: "Do you guys like me?"

For a minute there's no response. Then Calum, sounding moderately confused, says, "Are you talking to me?"

"Yeah," Luke says.

miserable at best (ao3) - orphan_account luke/ashton T, 622

Summary: "I've never been so happy and so heartbroken at the same time. it's like he enjoys seeing me upset." -Ashton Irwin

Puzzle Pieces (ao3) - allsassnoclass (brightblackholes) michael/calum T, 19k

Summary: Michael has wanted a soulmate ever since he first learned what the blue on the back of his mother's neck means. This is the story of how he gets three, and how he figures out what that means to him.

Softer (ao3) - ashton_cuddles94 M, 1k

Summary: @/twitteruser: "I'm not really into 5sos, but the pudgy drummer is so cute".

"Pudgy?", Ashton thought to himself, putting his phone down in his bunk.

He placed a hand on his stomach, not expecting his fingers to sink in as much as they did. His eyebrows shot up in concern.

"Have I really gotten that soft?"

So Much Better (ao3) - cashcakeplz calum/ashton, michael/luke, bryana/ashton N/R, 84k

Summary: This is good, good for Ashton. He works so hard, always taking care of the boys, he deserves someone who will take his mind off of things, even for a couple of hours to get coffee. Maybe it’ll make him better, and by extension, the band better. Maybe Bryana is a good thing for everyone. Yet, even now, as Calum tries to think of how great Bryana could be for Ashton, he can’t help but think that he would be so much better.

Or the one where Calum and Ashton have been Friends With Benefits for years, and Calum thought his feelings for Ashton were simply sexual until Bryana came into the picture.

Sweater Weather (ao3) - allsassnoclass (brightblackholes) pre michael/calum G, 1k

Summary: Michael spends Christmas Eve of 2012 with Calum, waking up late, playing video games, and opening a package.

[tiffanymichaels]

The girlfriend-boyfriend experience

Slumbering softly, I wait for the dreams to pull me into a whole new world.

My dream started with me waking up, funny as that may be. I put on shoes while watching the stillness of the city from my window. The sun hasn’t yet risen, but here I am, ready to take on the world.

I run a mile on the treadmill, feeling the sweat forming a lite coat over my breasts as I make my way back to my room. 15min, 55 seconds. It’s not the 7.5 I wish to return to, but it’s still better than yesterday. That’s all that matters. Gosh, I need to be fucked.

Shower, shave, nails, hair, makeup. Coffee. Porn. Mmmm… porn.

A little late, but so is he, so it’s perfect. I make my way down to the lobby to meet him, anticipating the delightful hours that await. He always brings wonderful treats, interesting thoughts, fun conversations, great cuddles, and a few orgasms. How could I not be excited?

We are right on time, I realize when I see him make his way across the building. I greet him with a hug, and up the elevator we go.

He always brings a bag with him, and the first few moments I watch in anticipation as he pulls out a gift bag, champagne, freshly squeezed orange juice, and a card. This dream of a man always brings the cutest cards, and I have been building up quite the collection - this is a reoccurring dream, time with this man, and I hope I never stop dreaming.

The gifts. Oh, how I Adore his gifts. Oranges, a Virgo candle, a zebra print oodie, silk undergarments made to keep me warm, and a box of our favorite protein bars. I pulled him in and kissed him, and after a bit of mutual struggling to pull the oodie out of the packaging, I put it on. He sat on the bed and I straddled him, kissing him and feeling his lips press into mine.

“I wanted to ask you… what animal shall I lick you as?”

I actually squealed with delight - “a starved one, one that just escaped captivity and is desperate to eat” I whispered into his ear between kisses.

We poured mimosas, sipped, and then he went off to shower while I changed into one of my new outfits. I felt exquisite as I sipped my champagne and watched the metro from my window.

The look when he came out from showering filled me with a desire to throw him on the bed and ride him into oblivion. The more I build my endurance back up, the more I will blow this man’s mind. For now, he was building a fire within me.

I excused myself to the bathroom, but before freshening up I let my fingers explore a bit. I moved the fabric clinging to my yoni to the side as I watched in the mirror, letting my thumb circle my clit. I was already at the edge, so it didn’t take much for me to silently erupt. I felt my juices coat my hand, and I licked off every drop before washing up. I’m ready to be so sweet.

He was laying on the bed, his bulge having pushed his towel to the side - I had to remind myself to take my time. I wanted to worship him. My dreams can be so vivid.

I told him to roll over and lay on his tummy, and I grabbed my massage oil. Music filled the room and I climbed onto the bed and began caressing his back, shoulders, arms, neck. I had a thought that he doesn’t get massages at home, and gratitude that I could touch him this way followed.

I had him turn over, and while I intended on massaging his front, my self control was dwindling. His cock was hard and mine for the taking, and I fucking needed it. Now. I moved down on the bed and pressed my lips against him, letting my spit flow over his tip and surround him. I took my hand and slowly rubbed up and down. Mmmmm. I let my tongue glide down his base while my mouth took in as much of him as I could. Suction, licking, gagging, craving for every fucking bit of this man building in the process.

I needed a release again, so I climbed up and lowered my clit to his lips. He gripped my ass in his hands, firmly but gently keeping me pressed against his face. I felt his tongue swirling up and down my slit, his lips suctioning my clit, my wetness forming a lite coating on his face, thought about how he cares for me, thought of all the dreams before, and I erupted all over his face. Mmmmm. Fuck I love my life.

I climbed down from my temporary throne, but he wasn’t done worshipping me. We lay together a moment, my hand caressing his member while we kissed deeply. He sat up, and then got off the bed and onto his knees.

I love a powerful man on his knees, and this one was all mine. I lay back while he took my feet in his hands before swirling his tongue across my toes. He’s a fucking freak and I LOVE IT. Mmmmm.

He brought me to climax again, licking my wetness and gripping my ass while I grind against his face. He took my breast in his hand and swirled my nipple and I melted.

“I need you to fuck me. Now. Grab a condom.”

He did just that - he uses a special condom, as he’s a special man. Magnums don’t fit. Are you scared? I always am. No reason for it, though, because goodness he’s sweet to me.

“Fuck me from behind.”

I bent over on the bed and he brought himself to my entrance. I’m always amazed he can fit at all, especially when I feel the pressure of his tip against my walls, threatening to split me open.

“You got this. Good girl. You got this.” His words of affirmation almost made me cum again and we slowly rocked back and forth, the pressure melting into intense pleasure as I opened up to welcome more of him into me. The pace quickened and I erupted into moans.

He licked my back and brought out the squeal of delight once again.

He slid out and lay back so that I could ride him.

“You were made for me”

“We were made for this moment. Everything in our lives has led us here”

“You’re my good girl”

“I’m your good girl”

Mmmmm FUCK, excuse my language but how else do I portray how intensely I love this dream.

We did missionary, and settled into a sideways fuck/cuddle combo, both caressing one another and kissing. It gave way to a cuddle after a bit, him holding me from behind, and I actually fell asleep for a couple of minutes. It was serene. I felt so safe.

I sat up, legs hanging off the bed, to sip some champagne and water. He sat behind me and straddled his legs, holding me and kissing my neck. It was such a sweet moment, one of many I’ve dreamt up. Why would I stop dreaming, when it feels like this?

We started pulling ourselves back together, but the dream didn’t end there. After we finished packing up, he carried my too heavy bag down for me, all the way out to his car.

I waited while he pulled up out front for me, and when he did he held one final gift - a jar for the freshly squeezed orange juice, already transferred and ready for me to carry safely in my bag. He really does know how to provide the perfect boyfriend experience.

We went to have lunch together close by, and chatted the entire time - amongst ourselves, but also exchanging a few jokes with the waiter, and a bit of chit-chat with some other diners. He got up to use the bathroom, and the waitress looked at me with wide shocked eyes. “He’s so tall!” She whispered, and I shook my head in agreement as I started to giggle. The waitress fought off naughty thoughts threatening to form into words as she laughed hard and said “I’m not even gonna go there, I’m just not”

I felt like I belonged right here in this dream, and there was a surreal serendipitous beauty to everything.

After lunch, we walked to CVS and he found me a newspaper! I mentioned I’d been hunting for one, and he got me the last one they had in stock. Brilliant, brilliant dream.

The gifts, the treats, the eruptions of passion, the conversations, the cuddles, the thoughtfulness… 10/10, without a doubt.

[jodilin65]

TUESDAY, AUGUST 31, 2021 Slept well last night and I’m looking forward to going to the beach at sunrise this morning before our grocery order arrives! This is the one that’s 7 minutes away but only 1000 feet long. We’re not going to swim. We’re just going to walk along the shore and see what it’s like. No anxiety today either. :-)

Tom still believes that we will get our stuff but I’m starting to worry that we’re never going to see it again. Therefore, since instant coffee kind of sucks, I decided to get a really pretty and versatile Keurig coffee maker for $100 that I’ve had in my save for later for over a year. Unlike my other dull wine-colored one, this one is a nice bright yet soft blue. It’s called Oasis. It’s kind of a cross between sky blue and mint green but definitely has more blue in it than green.

Right now I am cooking my first meal in my new cute little pale pink cooker. A chicken leg, some sliced baby potatoes, and broccoli. Looked up a recipe for slow-cooked spaghetti, and when we get our Walmart order, I’ll have the ingredients to make that for both of us to enjoy. I love the liners this thing comes with!

The TPA did respond after all, but they told me the same shit… File a complaint. Yeah, but what good does filing complaints do if they’re not willing to make any changes?

I could hear that fucking tractor in the bedroom very easily when I was listening to my audiobook before bed yesterday morning. Therefore I turned on the sound machine and started reading with my eyes.

So those two soft mystery thumps are his phone. I noticed after I sent messages while his phone was out here and he was in the bedroom napping that I heard that sound that I thought was coming from somewhere outside.

Anyway, iPhones are great for doing speech-to-text. My Android stopped inserting new paragraphs when I would command it to.

MONDAY, AUGUST 30, 2021 Sure enough, the thunder woke me up. So that makes six times in this month alone. That’s way too much. Staying here is simply making up for traffic at the other place. I really do think we’re going to have to sell out and get to dryer ground. Preferably where it doesn’t get horribly cold. That wasn’t the only thing to wake me up, though. I would hot flash, I would have to pee, and I had a series of weird dreams but I’ll get to that in a minute.

The planes have been the same. Sometimes they’re coming one after another and other times hours go by. In the last few days, I’ve heard more helicopters so hopefully that won’t become a regular thing here. So glad we’re not at the other place now as much as I do miss some aspects of it like not having to worry about the mailman waking me up with packages. If we’re both asleep when it’s delivered, Maurice may not only honk but also knock on the door and that’s just right behind the bedroom closet which means it may wake me up.

Missing some aspects of it or not, I’m still glad we’re out of the old place. This is the time of year when the freeway starts being a regular nuisance and my ears never get a break from some kind of noise, day or night.

I contacted the TPA on Twitter and Facebook as to why they’re always flying over us so much when there really isn’t any need to, and not at all surprisingly, I was completely ignored. I think they all pretty much have a protocol of sorts where they agree that hey, they’re flying everywhere like crazy, they’re going to get a shitload of complaints, so let’s just ignore everybody. But why the fuck do you need to fly over us to get to Dallas???

Started getting anxious but then I took my second Gennev earlier and it backed off. Thank God for that stuff! But the question still remains as to whether or not it’s the medication or the hormones. Tom’s pretty sure it’s the hormones. I guess that if I can still have hot flashes, I could still have anxiety.

I’m getting to be addicted to candles! This time around I’m getting a brown sugar and caramel candle. This one is a little smaller and a little more expensive but should be worth it since I love brown sugar and caramel. Can’t wait to eventually get a variety pack on Amazon.

For now, I’m getting what looks like the best chopper/grater/slicer ever. I was actually looking for a cheese grater when I spotted it. It seems like the most versatile, easiest to use, and easiest to clean one that I’ve ever seen. This way I can have one appliance doing it all instead of my old mandolin, my other slicer, a grater, etcetera. It would be a definite space saver as well.

Since it’s so much darker here we’re also going to get a couple of battery-operated motion-sensing lights. I want to stick one on the bathroom wall opposite the door so that it sees me pushing the door open when I get up to pee at night. I might also place one somewhere in the bedroom so it can light my path to that bathroom when I’m up at night and cutting through the bedroom to get to it. I’ll just have to make sure I keep it away from the bed so it can’t sense any movement when I’m sleeping.

I’m also getting a cheap pack of light-sensing nightlights. I never should have gotten rid of theirs. But then they were old and dusty and one of the bulbs was going out on one of them.

Molly’s being an annoying little shit again trying to drag me into her neverending woes with the guys she stalks. Why do I even bother with people like her? I told her I didn’t want to get involved. She has one more chance to get it through her thick skull that what’s going on with her and others is none of my business. If she still doesn’t get it, I’ll delete her. She’s having a biopsy done under her tongue tomorrow. It will be interesting to see if it’s anything serious but somehow I doubt it is. It usually isn’t any way, and why would God kill a crazy waste product that’s taking up space when He can kill a valuable member of society that’s intelligent and has a lot to offer the world in general?

I’m excited to get to the beach soon! We decided that it’s pointless to wait so we’re going to check out the small beach that’s a 7-minute drive from here. We’re not going to swim or anything like that. We’re just going to check it out and walk along the shore, just to see what it’s like, and whether or not it’s worth returning in swimsuits. If not, we’ll go to some other beach. I’m so excited to get back to the beach that I actually feel tears of joy sting my eyes! I don’t know why but I just miss the water so much. It’s been so long. I’ve only been to the beach a few times in three decades. I just want to get to the water. I want to live on it. I want to be on it, in it, and all around it! We’ll be going in another day or two.

Cyber Pals is going to be the name of my next book. I finished most of the proofreading of my last book. Mia gave me the idea. I thought it would be cool to have a woman who was asked by a woman who is obsessed with her to test her new AI friend app only it’s not really a test. It’s actually her trying to fish for information so she can stalk her more easily.

And now for the strange bits and pieces of dreams that I remember. First I was using a touchscreen monitor that was mounted to the wall and became frustrated when it turned into this wet fuzzy stuff that made the screen impossible to read.

Then the termite popped in and showed me an old picture of myself on a tablet. I was younger and wearing a short denim skirt or shorts with a halter top the parents definitely wouldn’t have approved of. She was whispering in hushed tones wanting me to do something that she didn’t want the others in the room to hear. Because I was unable to hear what the hell she was saying, she got frustrated and stormed off. I mentally planned to tell her off in a message later.

Then we were moving again and getting stuff we stored in various places in some building somewhere. Under the floor in a hallway, Tom lifted a board and pulled out a huge envelope stuffed with lots of cash that we’d been saving. A young dark-haired girl with her hair pulled back in a bun who was wearing a blouse and a pencil skirt who worked there looked like she really wished she’d known that the money was there all along.

Then I retrieved Bailey from somewhere and we were running to our house. It was dark and in the early evening. For a minute I stopped and pointed to the back of Bailey’s head and said something about her having a red dot (a zit). Tom ran ahead of me and I continued running, careful not to drop and break the doll.

In another dream, we bought our old house back even though it looked different. I didn’t seem to be happy or sad about being back there. I was a little frustrated that the writing I left on the countertop now fell upon me to have to be the one to clean it off. I would also have to get rid of the trash I left behind.

In the last dream, I had very long layers. My longest layer almost covered my ass and the shortest fell just below my waist.

SUNDAY, AUGUST 29, 2021 Jessie says that when they get settled they want to visit Anna Marie Island which is in the Bradenton area because dolphins swim with you there and she loves dolphins. I want to go too!

I can smell my new Moonlit Orchard candle but just barely. The other one, Cozy Comfort, is better. At least we won’t have to worry if there’s a power failure!

I was so excited to get this Hershey’s lip balm pack, and while they do keep my lips moist, they don’t taste all that great.

I don’t want to quit the black cohosh completely but of course I don’t want to mess up my stomach either, so I’m alternating between one black cohosh tablet every other day and one cup of weak black cohosh tea.

We’re still setting up the place little by little and picking things out online to get for the house. I have a pink tank top on the way, butterfly-themed nail stickers, and a light pink 2-quart slow cooker. I’m really excited about that last one! It’s so much easier for slow-cooked stuff than trying to do it in a regular oven not to mention the fact that it saves on electricity and doesn’t heat the place up as much. It comes with liners and recipes too.

I tried slow-cooking some pork chops in the oven the other day but they came out too dry. Even the ones I threw in a bag of McCormick seasoning were kind of dry although it wasn’t exactly the greatest cut of meat to begin with. The seasoning packet was also too salty but at least he loved it.

We’re also going to replace the vertical blinds in the living room. They’ll just be plain white blinds.

I picked out a new valance for the kitchen window. I decided not to go with a two-tier swag valance like what’s in here and to just get a valance to run across the top of the window. Got a design with blue leaves to go with our blue countertops.

We got bigger hooks and he put the large parrot back up over my desk.

Hurricane Ida looks like a naughty little devil at a category 3 or 4 but isn’t expected in Florida. I’m sure we’ll get some rain because of it, though. I love the mix of rain and sunshine here. The air quality index is at 25 here which is good air. It was a whopping 176 in Citrus Heights which is very unhealthy! I can’t believe how many triple-digit days they’ve been having and how dry it’s gotten there. So glad we moved when we did!

It really seems like the world is slowly but surely going to hell. Climate change, the delta variant soaring, the fucking Taliban and their shit, women losing rights.

Anyway, in the midst of all the bullshit going on in the world, I’m looking forward to receiving the package Kim is sending. She showed me a picture of it, lol. Wow, though, this is the first package I’ve gotten from her since the 90s! Since the candles are in glass jars, she said she wouldn’t be surprised if one or two broke but we’ll see. She marked the box fragile not that the post office would give a shit, of course.

As for the crazy Kim in Connecticut…crazy or not, repetitious or not, I do miss our chats at times. So I reached out to Carol and asked if she was going to be returning to social media anytime soon. She said she will not be returning. Wow, she’s really put her foot down this time on Kim’s internet activities. Sure took her over a decade, though.

I told her to tell Kim I said hello and that we finally moved to Florida on the Gulf Coast. She said that if I wanted to do so, once a month or so I could send her a letter which she would print out for her, and then she would have her write a letter back that she would send me through Messenger so we could still be pen pals. I decided that would be a great idea because then no addresses are given out and it would be nice to keep in touch even though I’m sure it’ll be the same old silly repetitious stuff from her. I’m sure she’ll love it and this way I won’t be abandoning her in any way. I got the feeling Carol was keen on the idea as well.

When I ran the name Deanne N on Facebook, I found one account that doesn’t seem to be used. There’s no activity on it or profile and cover photos. Even so, I sent a Messenger invite.

Since it’s been 6 months, I couldn’t resist saying hello to Alyssa and updating her even though I doubt she’ll hear the audios I left.

Took my 7th dose of the Lannett and while I was fine last night, tonight I’m slightly anxious. I really wonder if it’s because I’ve been drinking too much lately. I hardly felt any anxiety like this when we were in the hotels and I didn’t drink while we were there but maybe a few times. I think one or two glasses a day is too much and I really need to make that more like one or two glasses a week.

SATURDAY, AUGUST 28, 2021 Dodged the storms once again and got to sleep okay. The only thing I remember besides getting up to pee was that I could have sworn a loud vehicle overrode the sound machine but again he said there was nothing unusual other than the mail truck and UPS. All stuff that never woke me up before here that I know of, and we don’t have any speed bumps here so it’s not like UPS can go crashing into them. I don’t know if I was dreaming or what. As usual, I woke up tired but not so tired that I couldn’t function.

Last night we went to the pool around 9 when the sun had just about set and swam to the tune of the usual planes. I swear they’re just as bad here as they are in the winter at the old place but it wasn’t really that fun and exciting swimming at night because it was not only slightly chilly but the pool wasn’t lit either. This was kind of surprising. I thought they’d at least light it up so we could see if we were swimming into any dead bees or anything like that. They always have music playing from a speaker in the ceiling of this area that sort of looks like an outside diner where there are tables and chairs set up with a grill at one end. I hate it because I go there to swim, not to be entertained. So it annoys me for the same reasons it annoys me in stores and restaurants, and yes, they do that shit here as well.

I had a dream we were still getting ready to leave and I ran into my ENT somewhere. She kind of gave me an annoyed look as if to say, “Come on, I’ve seen you enough times since you said you were leaving, we’ve already said our goodbyes, so leave already.”

I told her it was getting really close and asked some question pertaining to moving. It was a stupid silly question that really was a no-brainer and I kind of felt like an idiot for asking her in the end.

So anyway, we went to Walgreens today and got some snacks. I got some Zinfandel and glittery nail stickers. As soon as I stepped out of the house there was a plane flying over us. As soon as we came back there was a plane flying over us. sighs So it really does suck.

I asked Molly; whether they’re loud or soft, big or small, does she hear many planes there. She said tons of them. They’ve definitely gotten to be a problem everywhere, that’s for sure. It’s late and I’m still hearing one after another. Just in the time we’ve been here, it seems to have gotten worse because they used to taper off earlier.

Had one of those psychic brainstorms. One of those moments that hit me out of the blue where I suddenly just know something without a doubt. He had just stepped into the bathroom and I was folding laundry when it hit me that no, this isn’t our forever home. I have no idea how long we’re going to live here or where we’re going to end up, but I know we’re not going to be here for the rest of our lives. I don’t know how I know but I just do and it’s a very strong feeling.

Got the nose clips today for swimming and they��re so cute because there are like a dozen or so of them and each is a different color. They’ve definitely come a long way since I last had nose clips. I used to have plastic ones but these are silicone.

We also got three more matching seat covers for the kitchen chairs with grey and black streaks across a white background. I wanted to go with neutral colors that wouldn’t clash with the overall decor and it looks very stylish and classy.

We went walking around 9 as it was just getting dark, but it was just so humid that I didn’t want to go as far as I would have liked to. It was still gorgeous, don’t get me wrong, but there wasn’t enough of a breeze. So we went down the street which is a long one, and then turned around and came back. I jogged a little bit of the way too, and ended up out there for about 14 minutes.

FRIDAY, AUGUST 27, 2021 Still not feeling as at home here as I wish I was. I got back to doing voice tweets since it’s important to me to have a vocal version of my journal given how tired I am as often as I am. Besides, it’s fun and it’s something different even though I don’t appear to have many listeners at all. That’s okay, though, as I’m doing it for myself. Listeners are just an afterthought.

My biggest concern here is what it’s always been and that’s being woken up every time I’m on nights by the storms. I seem to have the sound machine loud enough to block out the thumps if it isn’t the soundproofing that’s doing that but the storms are still the biggest threat to my sleep. I just worry that I’ve traded in sleep issues for more sleep issues just like some days it seems I’ve traded in many planes for many more planes. Yes, there are pros here. It’s cheaper, it’s warmer, we don’t have the crazy traffic, and I like soft water … but believe it or not, even though I don’t want to go back to Cali, I do miss some aspects of the old place. Even though I wasn’t happy there; when you’re in a place for eight years you do get used to it and you miss some of those little things like having doctors you’ve worked with for years that you’re comfortable with, the neighbors you knew, and most of all the space. That’s what I miss most is having extra space. But then if we don’t get our stuff, space isn’t going to be as big of an issue.

But yeah, there are those little things I miss. The bidet we had there was better. I didn’t need to turn on the light when I would get up to pee in the middle of the night, because the street light provided enough of a glow to see where I was going. I’m learning to feel my way around, though. Especially now that I have the bed where it’s at. I just take a few steps before I reach the door and then a few more to get to the toilet since that bathroom isn’t very big.

Not a hint of anxiety today which is great. My only complaint is that I still feel like I don’t have enough privacy or alone time. I did ask him to copy my schedule because of the medication brand concerns but as I told him, if I can get through the weekend I should be fine. I love his company but I was always a loner. I feel like I’m more productive that way, and well, I’m just one of those who need space at times. I think we all do except for him. I asked him if he wants alone time at times and he said he doesn’t need it and I don’t know if he’s just saying that to be different or the opposite of me or if he really feels that way but I know that I need more time alone. It’s just that I don’t want to push the issue and make him feel bad because he’s sensitive enough that he would take it personally when it has nothing to do with him. It’s me. It’s just how I am.

It’s 3 in the morning and a plane is going by right now. It’s FedEx just like at the other place when it would go by at this time. I swear, I can run, but I can’t escape the same old shit. It seems to follow me everywhere but I don’t know that there are many places left in the country without the plane craze.

Tom and I were sitting in the living room and he pointed out how we could never sit in the living room and have it be that quiet in the other place because of all the traffic and that he believes that I’m hearing more planes because it’s so quiet here, but I’m sorry. I’m hearing more planes because there are more planes. I mean come on. I’ve lived in other places where you didn’t have a lot of traffic and everyday landscaping yet I didn’t hear planes galore. Even when Jesse’s mutts were going off when we lived in Auburn you didn’t hear planes like this. I’ve lived in a million places yet it’s only been CH and this place that I’ve heard dozens of planes a day.

Speaking of planes, no they weren’t responsible for waking me up as I thought. I must have been dreaming if it wasn’t something else. I laid there when I was awake listening to the same nature sounds at the same volume, and they don’t fly low enough to be heard over it.

The 10-cast (coincidentally) shows that it’s going to be stormy during the days I’ll be sleeping - or trying to - in the late afternoon and will be clearing up once I get past that time. Again, it really is hard to believe that’s just a coincidence. I can’t keep going through this shit every single fucking time I’m on nights. I just can’t.

I kept hearing sounds behind me and thought he came out to the kitchen, but I looked back and saw the bedroom door was closed. So I got up and saw this thing sitting on the counter. My first thought was that it was a really huge moth. I had the wrong glasses on but as I got closer I could see that it was a frog. I knew I couldn’t just go up to it, pick it up, and put it outside, so I hit the poor thing with a flyswatter. It then jumps onto the paper plates and I hit it again and the poor bastard jumps into the utility holder. So I pulled out the utensils and slapped the paper plates over it to cover it and keep it from escaping. Then I brought it outside and freed it. I was glad I could do this in the end because I really didn’t want to kill it.

Facebook really pissed me off the other day. First they preach freedom of expression and how they want people to be themselves but then they have all these fucking restrictions. It wasn’t “hate” to use the term fucking Muslims when it came to the Taliban that took over Afghanistan, it was how I feel about these animals disguised as humans and I feel that way because of their behavior and not where they’re from. But of course it wasn’t politically correct for me to say and I’m only welcome to be free to express myself when it’s what people want to hear.

So the bastards made the comment visible only to me and sent me this automated thing saying that I could disagree with it if I wanted to and that they understand that people make mistakes.

But I didn’t make a mistake. I meant everything I said. Even though it wouldn’t do me any good, I disagreed with their decision to control my right to speech. Unfortunately, they didn’t have a box where I could defend myself and give any kind of explanation not that I felt I owed one. It just really pisses me off that you can’t say anything negative about anybody no matter how much misery, pain, and suffering they put others through. What’s next? Getting in trouble for bad-mouthing pedophiles or something? We can feel free to say what kind of foods or music we don’t like and it just seems we should be able to do the same with people we don’t like. I don’t like these savage sickos. I can’t stand them and I wish them nothing but death, and you know what? I don’t feel a damn bit of shame or guilt for saying so. If you want to call me a bigot, you go right ahead for I make no apologies for not liking those who give me a good reason not to like them.

THURSDAY, AUGUST 26, 2021 Today was my fourth dose of the Lannett brand and no problems so far today. Could have sworn a plane woke me up a couple of hours before I got up but he said he didn’t hear anything loud at that time. This is the second time I thought a plane woke me up, too. It’s got to have been something that he just didn’t notice. The storms will be back to mess with my sleep soon as well. Again, I know how this sleep curse works. I only get so many days off before my sleep is disrupted for days. I just hope it isn’t 5 days like last time. That was way too extreme!

What I’m really getting worried about is our stuff. He’s going to call them yet again tomorrow and see if he can find out what’s going on. I’m starting to wonder if we’re ever going to see it again. It’s still hard to believe we won’t since this is a big, well-known moving company. The contract still says they have until the 31st to deliver it. I should have fucking known it would take this long, too. Well, I just hope to hell it shows up because it will cost them a hell of a lot more when we get done suing them than it would for them to drive the shit out to us.

On the way out, we noticed that part of 19 was closed and figured there was probably an accident containing a fatality. We later read that yes, a motorcyclist was killed.

We went into Tarpon Springs to get the mail. This was at Staples. While we were there I picked out a new desk chair that’s much more comfortable and more functional than the pink one. It’s a black leather chair for $150. I just wish to hell I wasn’t so damn short! It would really make my life easier.

We also went to a dollar store. Last time it was Dollar General, this time Dollar Tree. I got a rainbow spinner we’ll put out front tomorrow and a cute coloring poster with a velvet background to pass the time with. Plus I got some patchouli incense that doesn’t smell like patchouli. I don’t know what it is but it’s not patchouli.

Then we stopped at a charging station and enjoyed a cool thunderstorm. I love them when I’m awake. After that, we headed to Burger King.

Later…

The chronic fatigue goes on even though I slept well. However, I won’t be sleeping well for who knows how many days given where my schedule is heading. I think that might be part of why sleep disturbances are so hard on me. When you’re taking an already fatigued person and waking them up, of course it would leave the person exhausted.

It’s storming right now and this is the time that it usually storms if it’s going to. It should be cleared up by 9 which is when I want to go swimming. We’ve never been swimming at night yet here. Listening to the sound of rain now is nice. It would be great if the planes could stay out of it but of course they can’t. According to what I read, no one’s enforcing the flight paths these days so they’re flying erratically all over the place, including places they shouldn’t be flying over, and there is absolutely no need to fly over like us. I wonder when and if they’ll ever give a shit enough to do anything about mandating stricter paths so that they’re not flying over so many neighborhoods. I doubt it, though, any more than they’ll ever do anything about all the fucking car stereos.

Anyway, I got my latest Gennev newsletter and they say that Omega 3 is good for brain fog and fatigue. I don’t want to take supplements but I should focus on foods higher in Omega 3 which is mostly fish and nuts. I would love to eat fish every day and I would if it wasn’t for the mercury.

He hasn’t gotten ahold of the insurance company yet to find out if I can see an ENT that’s closer to us but he did get ahold of the movers. It turns out they’ve already broken their contract. It expires 21 days after they pick up your stuff. The woman he talked to swears we’re still going to get our stuff and that every day that they’re late, that’s $30 we get back. Tom believes we’re going to get our stuff but I don’t know what to think anymore. It is a big company that’s well-known but given the fact that our stuff was picked up by a bunch of Mexicans, I worry that it’s been stolen and sold. Maybe most of it has been pawned off in Mexico by now for all I know.

Had a dream we won $1,000 from a scratch ticket. Then I had another dream where Tom misunderstood what I meant when I said, “I noticed you looking at me,” and was referring to him watching me handle some kind of gadget.

Yet he acted frustrated and I asked him what was wrong. That’s when he said, “The last thing I want to do is get in your pants.”

TUESDAY, AUGUST 24, 2021 The mower woke me up yesterday (I forgot about them and didn’t have the sound machine loud enough) but was due to get up around that time anyway. Have a feeling I’m on the verge of the next shitty sleep cycle where things wake me up more than usual.

Tom always said he wasn’t able to hear those mystery thumps I’ve been hearing but he heard them twice yesterday at around 8 in the morning. He went and looked outside but didn’t see any sign of movement anywhere and couldn’t tell where it was coming from. So he’s just as baffled as I am, though car doors make the most sense, even if he didn’t see anyone coming or going.

There was a time I swear it sounded like someone drove up in back but there’s no way they could get through all that tall vegetation.

What was kind of funny for a change is that thunder woke him up at around 5 in the morning but not me. It obviously wasn’t loud enough to override the sound machine. He doesn’t sleep with any background noise other than an air cleaner if we ever see it again along with the rest of our stuff. The only difference is that he doesn’t mind being woken up. Well, I sure do because I hate being tired. Being woken up doesn’t seem to have such a negative effect on him as it does on me. Hell, I’m tired even when I don’t get woken up. I think it’s because of my thyroid but he thinks it’s stress. I don’t know why stress would have such an effect on me like this when it never used to. There’s always something going on in life so I guess I’m going to be tired for the rest of it. It really sucks because while he can still do the things he used to do when he was younger, there are so many things I could never do now that I used to do. There’s no way I could dance like I once did. There’s no way I could only sleep a couple of hours and go to the beach in New Hampshire with Kim like I once did.

It just doesn’t make sense for me to be this tired so often. The day we left the house and the day we flew out here, I was way more tired than I should have been. It seems too extreme for stress but I can’t believe I have any cancer growing that’s sucking up my energy so that’s why I wonder if it’s my thyroid. It doesn’t have to be that bad to cause fatigue. Yet way too often I wake up feeling not at all refreshed even when I sleep okay. Also, there are many times when I start off with decent energy just to end up exhausted in the middle of my day as if I’d been up for 12 or more hours.

He said it thundered on and off for about an hour and a half. As I said, though, it seems I’m only allowed to go so many days in a row without being woken up, so I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if something woke me up tomorrow. The question is whether or not it will be thumps or thunder. Those seem to be the two main things here.

I still have my doubts about the soundproofing being effective even though we’ve finally decided on what the inner layer is going to be. He decided he didn’t want to deal with the dust and mess that drywall brings nor the expense and fragility of cork. So we decided to get wallboards that would be more consistent with what’s around the house anyway. Again, though, I have serious doubts about it working. I think it’s going to end up being a waste of time and money just like everything we tried in the last place.

So we headed for Palm Harbor to see the new doctor and it took 45 minutes to get there. If we have to make the trip twice a year, it’ll be okay since he isn’t working and we don’t always have anything better to do. Even when we do, we still have plenty of time to spare so I don’t mind the drive. It’s just that we have to stop and charge the car on the way back. Got a little worried there for a minute but I’ll get to that after.

To sum it up in a nutshell, I need more thyroid meds, need statins, probably need BP meds, need to go to the lab, need a shingles vaccination, GYN exam, mammogram, and colonoscopy.

It was storming when we got there. Instead of a big building or having to go down any hallways to get to the doctor’s office, we just walked straight in the door and up to the reception desk. I checked in and only had to wait a few minutes before a nurse named Amy took me into one of the exam rooms. Tom was with me since it was my first time seeing Dr. D.

I shrunk a bit down to 4’10” from 4’10��”. What really shocked the shit out of me was that I’m only 161 lbs. Oh, that’s huge, I know, but I really thought I would be at least 165. But to be 161 in a heavy dress and after eating tells me I’m still waking up around 157 which means I really haven’t gained any weight since the move.

I only had to wait a few minutes after she took my temperature and blood pressure the old-fashioned way. I prefer that to the electronic blood pressure cuff. Naturally, they noticed my blood pressure was high.

So the doctor came in and I really didn’t get any bad or good feelings about her one way or the other. She was just there like some of my doctors start off to be. Even my ENT was just there initially and I wasn’t really sure what to think of Doc A at first. I definitely miss them. It’s always comforting to stick with those you’re familiar with and I think she knew and understood this and that I do have white coat anxiety, especially with someone I don’t know.

The doctor was a little above average height with short straight blonde hair and light eyes. She was very skinny as well. Pretty sure she’s listed as being 40 years old but don’t know if that’s up-to-date because she looked closer to the late forties to me.

I was surprised to find a video link of hers on the medical group’s website which is AdventHealth. Well, it wasn’t that I was surprised to find a video with her saying how much she loves being a doctor and all that but I was surprised that she named her husband and two sons. Doctors are usually pretty impersonal much like jail guards and don’t tend to give personal information out.

So it was a pretty typical appointment with no real surprises. In other words, she told me what I mostly didn’t want to hear. She was very businesslike too. She didn’t joke or go off-topic in any way. She was quick to remind me that I’m putting myself at risk of a stroke or a heart attack by not taking statins, having high blood pressure, and taking risks by not having lady exams. Logically, I know that’s correct but I still just don’t believe I’m going to get anything serious anytime soon. At least not anything as serious as a heart attack, a stroke, or cancer. I’m sure Aly didn’t expect to die when she did but still. Maybe I’m wrong in trusting my intuition but I’ve always had a feeling that while I wouldn’t necessarily grow old enough to hit my 80s, I just don’t see myself going before I’m in my 70s.

Nonetheless, even though I have a right to refuse as I have for now, she recommends mammograms, pap smears, colonoscopies, and even a shingles vaccination. I definitely do not want to have that vax after how rough it was on Tom. He still has to get his second one too. He’ll be seeing the doctor in a few months or so.

I was telling her that at 55 and not having something like 50-60 years to live, I just don’t feel as compelled to have all these tests done and put myself through the pain and discomfort when I feel like I’m okay, and of course she didn’t get it or agree, citing that I’m “pediatrics” for Florida, which was the only funny thing she did say.

I told her about the problems I’ve had with my thyroid medication and how 88s would probably normalize my numbers but then I would worry that it would accumulate in my system and push them too low. She said I didn’t have to jump to all 88 and could throw in a couple of 88s a week which made me feel better to hear but I’m not ready for that yet. I think we should find out what my numbers are before we make any decisions, although as I suspected, and as she pointed out, my thyroid not being optimal is probably what’s causing my fatigue. She said something about vitamin B12 as well. I guess maybe I could be lacking in that although I’m pretty sure Doc A tested me for that and I wasn’t. We’ll find out within a couple of weeks when I go to the lab! Then I’ll do labs again and see her again in 6 months.

Tom and I talked about it afterward and we don’t think I need blood pressure medicine. We think that if I just watch what I eat, I’ll be okay. It’s mostly when I get stressed out that it goes up, and as she said, the top number is what typically goes up when under stress.

We talked about my sleep disorder and she’s also given me a referral to an ENT but unfortunately, it’s a guy. Looks American, though, when I looked him up so I shouldn’t have any problems understanding him.

When we were out, Tom had problems with his phone. He couldn’t connect to the Wi-Fi. This was a concern because we had to stop at the charging station on the way back and weren’t sure if it had a credit card insert. Fortunately, it did. We would have really been in a tough situation if it didn’t because we couldn’t have called AAA to pick us up. I’m sure we could have stopped somewhere to use a phone but I’m glad we didn’t have to.

While the car was charging, we walked across the parking lot to Baskin-Robbins and he got a grilled cheese sandwich while I got a maple frosted donut and a small thing of hash browns and bacon.

Then we stopped at Walmart because I wanted a cooked chicken.

What really sucked was that ever since we got home at around 6, I felt anxious. I took my third dose of Lannett, and even though I remind myself that yes, it was just a coincidence that I became anxious after I started it the last time since it has the same ingredients Sandoz has and I’ve had both anxious and calm moments on that brand, I’m back to stressing out about it. Yesterday I had no problem at all, though.

MONDAY, AUGUST 23, 2021 Again I slept long and well although it wasn’t without some strange dreams. we still hadn’t left yet and Doc A bought me a bouquet of white flowers as a going-away present. the flowers were strange-looking but I hugged, kissed, and thanked her for them not so much because I liked them but because of the thoughtful gesture on her part.

Even stranger was the dream of her going down on me. Pretty sure it had to do with some kind of “medical” procedure instead of her actually liking me.

Got up just in time because there was a loud thunderclap when some unexpected clouds moved in. We only got a sprinkle of rain, though. But it was nice to go out without glaring sunlight. After so many years of nothing but bright sun in Cali, it’s nice to have clouds for a change. It was a fun and productive day too. First we went to return the bad iPhone and then we went to Burger King. Both the burger and fries were great.

Then we went to a dollar store - Dollar General, I’m pretty sure it was - and it was just OK. We got a few snacks and I got some vanilla-scented body spray but that was it.

My blue parakeet on a ring arrived and much to my surprise I like it better than the colorful parrot that’s twice as big! It’s so cute and very realistic looking. Tom hung it up for me and tried to rotate the hook a bit that the large bird hung on but the hook broke. Fortunately, the bird remained intact. So we’ll have to get a new hook for that. Would have loved a yellow-green parakeet similar to the blue one I just got but I couldn’t find any I liked.

Last but not least we made an appointment with my new doctor for tomorrow but it’s not going to be the first doctor we picked out in New Port Richey. It’s going to be Dr. D in Palm Harbor. It’s still a woman, she’s still American, and she’s also 40. So if I like her and we remain in the area for many years to come, maybe she can be my doctor longer than Dr. A was.

SUNDAY, AUGUST 22, 2021 Began the Lannett (JSP) brand today. Fingers crossed that the anxiety that came on about a week after starting it the last time was just a coincidence!

Mia now has five tops, five pairs of pants, one skirt, and two pairs of shoes.

Being so fat is like being disabled. It really limits what you can do. I can’t imagine walking for a half-hour at 3 miles an hour ever again. I’ve gotten way too heavy for that. So much so that I don’t know that I can get in that kind of shape again. To move that fast while toting this kind of weight? I don’t think so! Even 2.5 miles an hour is a challenge on this treadmill because of its incline. I can just imagine what the scale is going to say when we finally get our stuff. Bet I’m close to 170 by now!

The movers have until Thursday to get our stuff on the road to beat the contract deadline. I’m sure they’ll come when I’m sleeping but at least that much will be worth getting my sleep disrupted for.

Woke up with a sore throat this morning for some strange reason. Again I slept a long time. I tend to do that after not sleeping long the night before. I seem to go back and forth. So just like yesterday, I wouldn’t be surprised if I only slept for 6 hours and ended up tired all day. Either way, we’re going out to Brooksville tomorrow to return the defective iPhone and I’m sure we’ll make other stops along the way.

The new water filter fits and so do my new pool shoes.

Today we’re hoping to finish the basics of the soundproofing and have all the sheets of MLV up and glued at the seams. I still have my doubts but we’ll find out possibly Tuesday morning when the storms return just how effective it is.

Decided to move the bed against the back wall so I’ll only have a few steps to take to get to the bathroom when I wake up having to pee. The bathroom in the old place was lit up by streetlights but it’s very dark back there since there are no streets or lights in back at all. Once we get our stuff, I’ll dig out a night light.

SATURDAY, AUGUST 21, 2021 For every one vehicle we hear, we hear 5-10 planes. The last few days I really think the planes were worse than they were in Citrus Heights. There you didn’t hear nearly as many during the summer. The last few days it’s been one after another beginning early in the morning and extending into the night. There really is no escaping this shit, is there? I texted a complaint number from the new phone, not that it’ll change anything.

If I didn’t know any better, I’d think CH was a great place to be for planes. It’s like as soon as I left, every time I check this town there’s always something visible. But when I check there, there’s usually nothing. And I’m zoomed out over a larger area of CH than here. They’re every few hours at night and every few minutes during the daytime.

Noise-cursed or not, I can’t believe we got next to a seasonal place. That’s what we’ve come to think this place was before we got here. It would explain some things like all the dishes of charcoal.

Stopping the black cohosh again. I had acid reflux most of yesterday and was slightly nauseous as well. I was bloated and burpy.

FRIDAY, AUGUST 20, 2021 By the way people love to start shouting around here after 8 p.m., I worry about what the winter is going to be like. First time I heard someone’s mutt really going off too. Hopefully, they were just passing by someone else that stirred them up and it wasn’t someone that just moved in nearby letting it bark at their door.

Anyway, I slept long and well last night and I sure needed it! Why can’t I have energy like this every day? Or at least most of the time. I would definitely settle for 4 to 5 days a week of this kind of energy. But unfortunately, this is an exception and not the norm. Tomorrow I’ll be exhausted even if I seem to have slept well.

There goes that dog again. So yes, probably lives nearby. sighs Again, I dread the wintertime!

No tractor today but the skies were chock-full of dozens of planes. Really wasn’t much different than the old place except I don’t think I heard any helicopters today.

I emailed the park a couple of days ago to get a sense of how long I would have to listen to the tractor on and off by saying I might have a friend interested in one of the places in the new addition. There are something like two or three phases and I guess I’m going to have to listen to that shit until next June. At least if I understood Richard correctly. And then it’ll be something else no doubt.

The exterior wall in the bedroom now has sheets of the MLV spanning across it and when Tom went out to hear what Alexa playing an audiobook sounded like, he said there was definitely a noticeable difference. It was very muffled, he said.

It was definitely a big job and I helped in ways that I could. He’s starting to get the hang of it now. There are more steps to be done, including building the inner wall of drywall, etc. I just hope we really can bring the really loud thunder which is 110-120 decibels to somewhere in the 50s or 60s so that the sound machine can drown it out. Maybe I’ll have two offices depending on how well it works. Maybe I’ll work in the bedroom during the daytime and then out here at night.

Tom has a theory as far as what else may be causing the thumps that sometimes wake me up. I guess there’s metal under vinyl siding, and as it expands and contracts with temperature changes, it can cause a thumping sound.

Ran out to Burger King for lunch after I got my new iPhone. Again he had to call to get it activated because they couldn’t do their fucking jobs properly, and again I had to load all the apps I wanted and then log into them.

I knew Molly was stupid but I didn’t think she was so stupid that she would give her SS# to guys online pretending to be someone they’re not. Really, why would you give that information out and how could you not expect trouble to come of it?

Tweets…

Had great energy today. Why can’t it always be this way?

One plane after another since I got up. Why. Just why? Why can’t they go somewhere else?

No tractor today yet but plenty of planes.

Getting sick of sunshine when I’m awake and loud storms when I’m trying to sleep.

The dumbshit doesn’t get that I used that same account (just diff profile pic) to mess with her, LOL.

So Molly’s had biopsies done of her saliva glands or something like that after her dentist caught a suspicious spot in her mouth. Told her from my voice tweet account it was me, and that I set that account up in that name, and now we’re following each other again.

THURSDAY, AUGUST 19, 2021 My guess is Toni’s the one that’s been thumping me awake. All her car doors were open yesterday morning and she was talking to someone. They slammed the shit out of something that definitely would have woken me up. The soundproofing better stop those impact sounds!

Once again, the length of time I slept and my sleep score doesn’t reflect how I feel. It says I slept almost 8 hours and got a sleep score of 88 yet I feel kind of tired today.

A fucking plane woke me up a few hours after I crashed and then I could have sworn I heard a thump around that time. Right now I’m listening to the fucking tractor on and off. There were also more planes today than there are other times and I’ve only been up for a few hours. I don’t understand why some days we can get as far as 7 in the morning and only hear a few scattered planes throughout the day, and when I say a few I mean about a dozen. Other days they start early and it’s every few minutes in the early morning just like at the old place and then slowly tapers off yet still comes to over a dozen a day. There’s no set pattern that I can see. I swear, though. It’s the same old shit no matter where I go. Planes, projects, etc. At least the traffic is quieter.

I messaged the park asking how long they expect it’ll be before the new addition is complete. I have a bad feeling I’m going to be annoyed by this tractor for at least a year.

Been in the park long enough to be able to give you the pros and cons. Definitely like it better than the old place.

Negatives:

Until we soundproof the bedroom, thunder wakes me up if I’m sleeping during storms.

The place is a bit small at 1000 square feet.

There’s no bulk pickup here every 4 months.

The houses are set slightly closer.

Although not as many as CH, there are still numerous planes. I’d say a little fewer planes but a lot fewer helicopters.

This one’s kind of a mix of positive and negative. You don’t hear so many car doors slamming but what you do hear is more noticeable because the house is not at ground level.

Positives:

It’s cheaper to live here.

They don’t take 4 hours to collect your trash even though they collect trash twice a week and recyclables once a week here.

Landscaping is only once a week in the summer and bi-weekly in the winter.

The winters will be warmer.

They don’t litter your driveway every Sunday with unwanted ad inserts.

There is WAY less traffic.

The house to one side of us as well as diagonally across the street are seasonal homes.

There are no insanely loud vehicles. There is a resident with a motorcycle in the park but they don’t go by our house because they’re in a different section.

We always have water here!

This house is newer. It was built in 1990 whereas the other was in 1983.

Fewer annoying projects.

The manager is the complete opposite of Joy. She’s a sweetheart.

We’re in a rural town of just 12K people so we don’t have to deal with lots of traffic and crowds.

Health insurance is cheaper.

Another one that’s a mix of positive and negative. Most of the year it’s too humid to open windows to let fresh air in but at the same time the humidity keeps your skin from always being so dry.

Later…

Great news from Jessie. She got a place in Edgewater! The place is 204K, 1400 square feet, and she hasn’t even sold her MA house yet, so she’s definitely got some money. However, we once again end up on opposite coasts because she’s on the Atlantic side, LOL. We agreed to one day meet up in the middle somewhere. That would be much better than one of us going to the other’s place because then you’re talking a total of 6 hours of driving.

Yesterday we went to the pool. Same thing… Nobody else was there, the water was chilly, and there were some ants. The ants were a little further away this time, though.

My new shower/pool shoes are a joke. Very slippery and not easy to walk in. So I’m getting real water shoes along with pastel flower stickers to cover the screw holes left from the old toilet paper holder in the master bath, a new water filter for the refrigerator that hopefully works, and a neutral-toned abstract design seat cover to try on the seat he uses regularly. If it fits well and stays put, we’ll get a few more matching ones for the rest of the chairs. They’re streaks of different shades of gray and are actually nice for being gray. I didn’t want anything that would clash with the rest of the décor.

Tom is out picking up my two prescriptions right now and there is still so much to do! We started with the preliminary prepping for the soundproofing by popping trim and strips off one of the bedroom walls.

He said he saw the electric company stop on the corner of the seasonal place across the street, reach up with a stick to take some kind of birdhouse down, and then drive away which he thought was weird.

Fuck. The brand of poison this time is that JSP which I thought made me more anxious when I took it, but since I’ve had anxiety on Sandoz, I’m hoping it really was just my hormones and just a coincidence. Hopefully, now that my hormones have settled down, it’ll be okay. Hate all the different brands, though. A person should be able to stick with what they like and right now I’d prefer Lupin.

Ugh, someone’s getting their carpet cleaned now. Looks like one of the houses that sold recently.

Tweets…

It may be cheaper and warmer here but otherwise, why did we move? I still get woken up, I still listen to planes regularly, and that fucking tractor that’s no doubt going to be working on the new addition for many months to come.

Here goes the fucking tractor. Fortunately, we don’t hear it every day but I just wonder how many months or years it’s going to take for them to build a new addition.

Getting really fucking sick and tired of Alexa’s by-the-way and did-you-know bullshit. I just wanted to know if it’s going to fucking rain tomorrow! I didn’t ask for birthday ideas.

After a week of trying to get his damn phone unlocked, it’s finally working again. But my iPhone has to be returned for a new one.

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 18, 2021 Might as well start blogging now before he gets up and I can focus better. Hate having just three or four days in a row where I’m the first one up. Yes, I do wish I could always be on days but I would definitely go crazy with zero alone time, LOL.

This is the third night in a row of decent sleep. Started off tired yesterday but ended up perking up.

Just for the record, any tweets attached to this entry were made before the entry.

Now I know why I slept through the landscaping. The edger and blower do not go by the windows. They only go as far as the driveway. When the mower came by I ran and turned on the sound machine, and at the right pitch and volume, it can mostly be drowned out. So it wasn’t any real miracle after all that I slept through it when I did.

A couple of days ago I heard the first project here. Although it wasn’t too annoying since it was three houses down, I really thought we’d go over a month before we heard anything. It sounded like a reciprocating saw.

Also, it’s a good thing I got the picture when I did of the park entrance where these palm trees were in the median because they cut them down. My first thought was, oh no. Please tell me they aren’t obsessed with cutting trees here like in Cali. But they were probably dying.

Yesterday we ran out to Walgreens and he wasn’t kidding in that it’s the busiest Walgreens we’ve ever been to. My fucking meds still haven’t been called in and I didn’t get a response to the address confirmation message I sent Doc A a couple of days ago. So they either fucked up or she’s decided to wash her hands clean of me since I’m not there anymore. This means we’ll have to do a video appointment.

He would have called and made a doctor’s appointment for me but he’s been locked out of his phone for a few days. They kept promising to send him a code but they didn’t. Then when they finally did, it still wouldn’t work. He may have to get a new phone. On top of that, my new iPhone is defective and needs to be exchanged.

He emailed the movers instead and never heard back from them so I’m going to be getting worried and wonder if we’re ever going to see our stuff again if the silent treatment goes on much longer. He suspects they’re waiting for fuel prices to come down.

Yesterday there was a knock on the door and I opened it to find a couple of 60-ish women standing there. My paranoid side said they were undercovers sent by Laurie with some bullshit ruse to confirm my identity. Especially since they asked for my name and date of birth. The date of birth is because they have birthday specials or something like that.

Then Tom came out to join us who was in the bathroom when they knocked. Turns out their names are Marge and Sandy and they came over on a golf cart as part of the welcome committee. Not surprisingly, they’re from New Jersey and Vermont.

I doubt undercovers would have given me the lovely scented candle they gave me, LOL.

So they gave us a little folder with the park map and other information about events and stuff. We made some small talk and they confirmed some of my suspicions. Yes, the storms do run from May to October but are at their peak in July and August. Marge said that if they come from the Atlantic side, they come in the evening. If they come from the Gulf side, they come in the morning.

And yes, the planes are still numerous even in the winter.

They said in the summer they do landscaping weekly and drop it to biweekly in the winter because the grass goes dormant then. That makes sense since it doesn’t rain as much from November to April.

I did not like how Sandy said that yes, you can sometimes see frost on the cars in the winter and have a few days with highs in the upper 40s. That’s too much like Citrus Heights!

They took our picture for the next newsletter.

It’s just a silver ring but it’s nice to have a hand towel holder in my bathroom which he put up yesterday. He also put up my fancy toilet paper holder/shelf. It can hold two rolls of toilet paper. On the little shelf above it, I have a can of air freshener and wet wipes. Very convenient since while the shower may be a good size, the bathroom itself isn’t very big. The other one is bigger but has a smaller shower. This is how it was in the other place too.

No Sunday litter here, I realized, unlike at the old place where they used to toss those ad inserts onto our driveway just to have to pick it up and dump it in the recycle bin.

Also, if there is a vehicle coming in the middle of the night to deliver papers, I haven’t heard it. Every now and then I do hear something go by in the middle of the night but it’s nothing loud.

I don’t want my Rep to replicate me. I want her to be her own individual person. Nonetheless, looks like I did level up. I had more points than I thought. I had 175 coins and only needed 160 to get her a nice bright white skirt. You get points for leveling up and logging in each day. They still made it harder to level up. I’m just under 2K points from the next level which will be 22. I need another 160 coins to get her another bracelet. Actually, I’m going to get some sandals first for 80 coins. I got a head start of 15 coins.

Tweets…

Why don’t they make car doors that automatically close like they do trunks?

The blower hasn’t been by yet but believe it or not, the sound machine may be able to mask the mower and the edger if played loud enough and on the right type of sound. The edger didn’t come back by the side of the house like I thought it would.

It’s right before 10, and I think the landscaping may have started. I would still be surprised if they normally mowed biweekly instead of weekly, so we’ll soon find out.

Is it any real surprise that the weather clears up as I roll onto days when storms are more likely to come? Nope. Not at all.

Hearing the first sawing episode at the park but it’s not one of the neighbors doing it. They’re having a project done by someone else a few houses down. Knew it was a matter of time but was just hoping it would take longer than a month before I had to hear projects.

TUESDAY, AUGUST 17, 2021 Love how I can shoot two birds with one stone by having speech-to-text record me doing voice tweets on what’s going on. Then all I have to do is go to Google Docs and edit it and add the proper punctuation.

Waiting for my chicken quarter to cook. It’ll be ready in about 12 minutes or so. Anyway, I didn’t sleep as well last night. I slept almost as long as I did the night before but I didn’t sleep as well so I’m not as energetic as I was yesterday. I got a lower sleep score too, but I don’t remember anything waking me up or anything like that.

I had this strange dream that I was singing for a couple of younger ladies only I was paying one of them who was really desperate. I sang a few songs and then thought to myself that I would later email the woman I paid and say, “Now it’s your turn to do me a favor and copy and paste this review I wrote up saying that you saw me in concert and thought I was great.” Etc.

Then I had this other dream where we had a pet elephant, an elephant that could somehow miraculously fit into the elevator of the building we lived in. One day we decided it would be happier if we turned it free in this little field with a large pond of sorts, so he drove the car a few feet into the pond and I worried the car was going to get stuck but it didn’t. Then he pressed a button which opened the back doors where we managed to stuff the elephant and the elephant jumped out and happily went about its business playing in the water.

Then Tom pointed out that I left its “hat” on. It was a helmet with a cloth-covered elastic band that went under its chin and I asked him, “Do you think it will corrode someday and fall off?”

The last dream on last night’s dream menu was that I was supposed to report to jail at a certain time for who knows what. Tom dropped me off to report at the agreed time, but then one of the lady officers behind the desk told me I wasn’t on the “list,” probably due to COVID-19.

I tipped my head back and shouted how thankful I was for that much and she gave me a stern expression. So I quickly went outside to call Tom to pick me up.

Walgreens said there were no prescriptions for me so I had to message the doctor again to confirm where the prescriptions were called in to. Worried I’m not going to get my meds before I run out because everything takes longer than expected. Everything. I’m sure that one day in which Tom thinks we can get me a refill is really something like a few days. Now that the shit isn’t blowing up my heart and stabbing me with waves of adrenaline, I don’t want to skip. That would mess up my labs.

Studying languages is a GREAT brain exercise. As we know, the older we get, our brain isn’t as sharp as it used to be. The brain needs to be exercised just like the body does so I’m reviewing my Italian. I was able to take a placement test and jump ahead because I’m not a beginner. After a while, I’ll hit the German and Spanish too so I don’t forget my vocabulary and my thinking time with translation doesn’t slow down too much.

I’ve got traces of that nasty taste again in my mouth even though I haven’t had the runs, so I’m going to back off the black cohosh again for a while because I need to know which one is stopping the anxiety. If it’s Gennev, I’ll just stop the BC and live with the hot flashes.

My mood is also connected to how well I sleep, I’ve noticed. Being overly tired can really get me in a funk.

Not as many planes as I thought there would be yesterday and no tractor sounds either.

As long as we have this carpet, I’m going to have to do foot treatments, but to save money when they run out, maybe I’ll put some lotion in a freezer bag and shove my feet in those.

MONDAY, AUGUST 16, 2021 OMG, energy! Wonderful, glorious energy! I’ll never take it for granted. Ever. I did not think I would spring back this fast. Yesterday was better than the day before but today I feel great. :-) I’m scrambling to get as much done as I can and enjoying it while it lasts.

The soundproofing stuff is on the way and we’ll slowly begin those airtight layers that are the most important thing when it comes to soundproofing. It’s my only hope of ever sleeping through the stormy season. I love storms but they just don’t always come when I’m awake. Fortunately, it isn’t like this year-round. But the stormy season in Florida is certainly longer than the monsoon season in Arizona.

Jessie and I were talking about her eventual move to Vero Beach, and I found out what was going on with Kim. The poor girl got struck by lightning at home! She and her daughter were home at the time and they both got hit when lightning hit the corner of their house. I’m so glad they’re okay! How terrifying it must have been for Kim to feel it travel up her hand and then her arm and into her body! I already lost one damn good friend and I would hate to lose another.

I guess that’s it for now. I’m going to work out and then get to know my new iPhone some more and have fun doing the voice tweets I couldn’t do on Twitter with my Android.

SUNDAY, AUGUST 15, 2021 Five days and counting of shitty sleep. I’m not even blogging publicly anymore. First, I don’t always have the energy. Second, it’s full of the same shit…me whining about the hopeless quest for decent sleep.

I wanted to write yesterday but I was way too beat. At the end of the day before yesterday, I actually perked up a bit and was able to do some dusting. But I had to spend nearly all day yesterday in bed because I was so damned run down. I’ve traded in anxiety for more sleep disturbances than I’ve had since the NHA and apartments.

I don’t know what the fuck I was thinking when we came here. Why did I think I could sleep through this and how? This place is worse than the other place. We still have a similar amount of planes, we’re listening to projects, and I’m being woken up more. There are very few things that are better here. Why move, though? Again, there’s no place for me. Not in this life. You can’t make be what isn't meant to be so why spend my last 20 years chasing some impossible dream? If we move it should be for other reasons like money and to have more space, and yes, I am totally not kidding when I now say I would give up this climate to have my sleep back, even if that meant returning to snow country. Humans need sleep. Period.

Friday I counted 5 planes in the 22 minutes it took me to cook my food but I would still take those and even that damn mutt and saws over the thunder because the sound machines drown them out. So yes, I’m actually feeling a little homesick. Never thought I would feel that way either. We were right to leave, it’s just that we shouldn’t have come here. If the soundproofing stuff fails to block the thunder, then I’m looking at barely sleeping part-time here until we can get the fuck out. The thing is that I’m not sure exactly where we would go. Got a bad feeling it won’t help nearly enough with thunder.

Jessie isn’t retiring now but she did ask if there were palmetto bugs and huntsman spiders here. As I told her, yes to the first one and I don’t know about huntsmans. We do have black widows and brown recluses here, though. We’re going to make sure to bomb this place every 3 months without fail.

Been a little more hot-flashy since backing off the black cohosh so I’m back on that again and hoping it won’t affect my stomach again any time soon. Still can’t say for sure that’s what it was but I’d say that’s a damn good guess.

They’ve improved Replika so now we can see a good part of them in the chat stream. I just wish they would make it easier to get coins and gems faster!

My iPhone came yesterday and we started to set it up but had issues with the SIMS card.

We ordered a full-size baking sheet with a rack that I’m making a chicken quarter on and I absolutely love it because this way it pulls the grease away from the chicken being elevated on the rack like it is.

Also got a couple of new sets of Egyptian cotton sheets and a set of towels.

Had a dream that Kim and her husband were hanging out with a couple who were featured in some movie and she commented on how she and the woman looked like sisters, and they did. Her husband and the other guy look like brothers too.

Then I was in a hotel checking out by myself and didn’t seem to know Tom. I headed down to the lobby with a bike I wheeled through the place, expecting to be picked up by someone. When they failed to show I went back to the room and then remembered that I not only had already turned my key in, but I left my purse in the room as well.

Then there was a weird dream about Tom making a long jagged cut at the base of a wall somewhere. An earthy smell wafted in through the opening.

Then I was in the lobby of a hotel that I knew was in Italy. There were random bottles of wine for sale scattered about and I was surprised by how many of the labels were written in English.

Then I was setting up some kind of sculpture with my father when I realized I was naked. Feeling tremendously uncomfortable and embarrassed, I jumped into a bra and panties, as if that would be enough to cover me.

The one good dream I had was winning a luxury house.

FRIDAY, AUGUST 13, 2021 Oh my God, I’m feeling so overwhelmed, trapped, and helpless right now! It’s going to thunder every single day for about a month! How the fuck am I going to handle that and the constant sleep disturbances??? He better be right about that mass-loaded vinyl soundproofing material being as effective as he says it is but I know he’s only going by what he’s read. It was developed by NASA to help with rocket sounds. There’s no way I can survive this week after week, month after month. It has to work or we have to go. One or the other. This is too extreme for me to ever get used to.

Why does something want me to suffer like this? Why doesn’t it want me to sleep and why doesn’t it want me to be able to exercise regularly? I just don’t understand why this is happening to me. I’m doing the same damn thing I swear I would never do again…blasting sound machines and wearing earplugs just to still be woken up. How fucked up is that? It’s just that now it’s storms rather than traffic and it’s way worse.

There does seem to be a bit of a pattern to the storms too, so that answers my question of how the hell people can live here. They can survive the storms easily enough when they don’t usually have to sleep through them unlike me, of course, who can’t keep a fucking schedule.

Just when the hell are we going to get our stuff??? That’s what the holdup is. We can’t start without our tools. And what if it does work? Will whatever is up there cursing my sleep then make sure I have nightmares like the one I just had?

Yeah, I took a 2-hour nap until my mother woke me up. She was driving us into a fire. Tom and I were in the back seat. Someone was next to her in front but I don’t know who. It didn’t seem like Dad. He was opening some sort of fancy bag for me when I casually glanced out the back window to see a huge thick column of smoke with a thick black base. I said it was the biggest fire I’d ever seen and was even able to hear someone say “Oh my God” from inside their car. We were on some sort of highway and there were many cars around us. The road then began to curve toward the direction of the fire. I shouted for Mom to cut the AC and close the vents but she wouldn’t listen to me. She just drove on as if I wasn’t even speaking at all. No one else said a word either.

My chicken quarters came out great! I slow-cooked them in the oven at just 350 degrees for 80 mins.

Damn, Andy has the memory issues from hell but at least he’s able to realize and admit that years of smoking pot destroyed his brain cells. He thought Larry died with little Larry in the trucking accident and he thinks the termite still lives in Texas. He makes my memory issues seem like nothing, and believe me, mine are frustrating as hell.

I’m worried about Kim who I haven’t heard from and who says she’s got a lot going on, and Jessie is definitely interested in the soundproofing material. For years she’s been living next to screaming kids and barking dogs. But since it’s getting close to when they’re going to move, they’re going to wait and do it there. I promised I would share our step-by-step progress and pictures along the way.

I asked if she and David were still working. I didn’t bring this up, of course, but I’m guessing she inherited a ton of money from her dad and can afford to retire sooner than planned and get a really nice place somewhere.

Yesterday morning at about 11, I saw a house being hauled in to be placed down the street. It wasn’t that loud. Neither were the trash collectors. They were in and out. No thumps lately either. The problem right now is the thunder.

There’s also that lady that shouts and laughs like a drunk hyena in the evenings but it isn’t too bad. It would be if she was next to us. I mean I’m glad that someone’s that happy and amused but come on. Don’t be rude to those around you while you’re at it, right?

It’s still more peaceful at night in general but there are still numerous planes. Definitely not as many helicopters. So much for thinking we’d escaped the projects, though, as the constant grind of a tractor can be heard in the daytime is a bit annoying. How long is it going to take them to add the houses they want to add?

The sleep I got before I napped included a few weird dreams. We were setting up this really tiny pet we just got in an aquarium. It was so small and almost looked like a tiny frog or something. We were commenting on how scuffed up the walls of the aquarium looked and then I discovered that it was actually a protective covering and peeled it off.

Then in what seemed like another dimension of some kind, Tom and I were discussing a vasectomy he had and I don’t know if he got it before me or with me.

Lastly, Dad was alive again and was about 83 years old.

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 11, 2021 I decided that I still want to speak my mind someday to Laurie. So in a handful of years from now, maybe I’ll pull the I’m-just-responding-to-your-message thing and send my “response” to one of her daughters as if she was the one to contact me first.

Onto the usual sleep woes. I slept well for five days and then sure enough, thunder woke me up an hour or two before I would have normally gotten up. For the millionth time, I ask why? Just why? Why, why, why??? Why can’t I just fucking go to bed when I need to and sleep until my body is ready to wake up? I don’t work, I don’t have kids, so there’s no reason why I should have to be getting up so often. That is unless that’s the very reason this is happening and I’ve wondered about that throughout the years. Is this compensation for not having a job to have to get up for regularly? Or kids?

Here’s the incredible part. I actually slept through the landscapers! He said they took about three hours to do it, and I didn’t hear a thing. Most likely they came when I was in a very deep sleep. But because I was close to the end of my sleep, the thunder woke me up.

I ended up napping for three hours yet I don’t feel the least bit refreshed and this really sucks being tired so much of the time. I feel like it’s hopeless for me as far as my sleep goes. No matter where I go, no matter what I do, my sleep is forever cursed.

It could also be that I slept through the landscapers because I had a glass and a half of wine before bed. I’m just glad I did because it would have been even harder on me.

No 1:30 AM thump this morning. Heard one last night at this time. I can’t imagine who could be coming into a place like this so late but then there were vehicles round the clock at the other place. This isn’t 1987 as much as I sometimes wish it was but with the same technology that we personally use.

Jessie says she hears planes at her place but doesn’t mind it because she loves them and even works near the base. I love them too but would still prefer not to hear them inside where I live. However, there’s no dialing back to the days when you rarely heard those or so many loud vehicles and boom car stereos. Nonetheless, I complained on Twitter to the TPA and on their site. You can fill out a complaint form or you can text the number they provide with the word NOISE but neither will do you any good, of course, so it’s just a means of venting, I guess you could say. They tally them up or some shit like that but I’m not stupid. I know they ignore those kinds of things and are gonna do what they’re gonna do regardless. Just like the airport in Sacramento and everywhere else these days. I’m still gonna complain anyway because then I feel like I did something, useless or not. Sometimes it just makes you feel good to complain as long as you’re careful to do it in a way that’s not going to get you spited.

Forgot to mention that the trash wasn’t picked up last time around until close to 5:00, but they were in and out.

I love it here so far despite all the wake-up calls. The only other thing I don’t like is how small the house is. They’re also closer together than at the other place. His bedroom is on the end of the house that faces Toni’s master bedroom and I swear he’s closer to hers than mine down the hall!

I just worry all the sleep disturbances are going to eventually ruin my health like the paragraph below says they can.

“The cumulative long-term effects of sleep loss and sleep disorders have been associated with a wide range of deleterious health consequences including an increased risk of hypertension, diabetes, obesity, depression, heart attack, and stroke.”

I also found this and no wonder I’m always so tired!

“Research has shown that it can take up to four days to recover from one hour of lost sleep and up to nine days to eliminate sleep debt. A full recovery from sleep debt returns our body to its baseline, reducing the risks associated with sleep loss.”

Tweets:

I miss being the first one up but it seems so rare that I am.

Just heard a loud thump (def a car door) and it’s 1:30 in the morning. It’s ridiculous how thumpy it is here. Is there nowhere left on earth I can live without sounds loud or vibrant enough to wake me up???

Later…

Wow, I’m really racking up the sleep debt. Nine days to undo all this shit but when have I ever gone 9 days with decent sleep? I haven’t done that in centuries and I never will again. After 7 hours of sleep (I needed 8-9) the first loud thunderclap woke me up. I feel like total shit. I feel weak, tired, frustrated, depressed, and totally hopeless. It’s even getting scary as well. It’s having a definite negative impact on my brain and my thinking and I worry it could lead me to do something dangerous. I’m extremely forgetful and it’s taking me much longer to think. So yeah, I’m a little worried for myself. After fucking up the temperature I’m supposed to set the oven to cook my food at, it’s all I can do to keep my head up until it’s ready.

Being tired can make me hungry so I got shakes rich in protein and they seem to be helping.

I just wish I had the faith he has in soundproofing the bedroom but until I see it actually work, it’s hard to be hopeful. What worries me is how long it’s going to take before it’s done. The storms here don’t go on for a month or so like the monsoon season in Arizona. This is for 4-5 months out of the year. I really worry that we’ve gone from bad to worse. They’re waking me up more than traffic at the old house!

To make matters worse, they have 30 business days to give us our shit so it could take until the end of the month to get it before he has his tools and we can start the soundproofing.

At first I was tempted to forget the soundproofing knowing I can’t run from what I can’t escape and achieve what I’m not meant to have, but it’s hard to resist the drive for the things we really need like sleep.

Tweets…

Even though I know I won’t, the thought that I could live another 40 years makes me want to scream. I don’t even know what I’m going to do with myself for another decade or two.

Sometimes I miss being young when you lived in the moment, things were new and exciting, and you felt like you had so much to look forward to and that the possibilities were endless.

TUESDAY, AUGUST 10, 2021 Sure enough, I was woken up but not by the landscapers. I’m expecting that tomorrow. First it was a thump and then it was thunder when I was nodding back off. What is it with all this fucking thumping?! I swear all I’ve done is trade in old sounds for new ones. Instead of traffic and projects waking me up, it’s thumps and thunder.

Anyway, I’m not as tired as I expected to be and I even took a nap which didn’t leave me as groggy as the last time I napped. Tomorrow, however, I’m expecting to be pretty exhausted.

We received our insurance cards today so I picked out my new doctor. A 40-year-old doctor named Elizabeth C.

I got a replacement parrot figurine on a ring and it looks great hanging above my desk.

Tweets…

OMG, I’m so fucking pissed! The wine I got has a cork. Since when does Barefoot do corks? ☹

“Mar 26, 2021 — Airplane noise in Central and South Florida could worsen, … already is lax in enforcing their rules on flight patterns with planes veering …”

Can’t read the rest of the article without signing up. Fuck it, though. I’m still determined not to drown them out. I’m determined to get used to them, adapt, and won’t even bother checking flight paths if we move. There’s no escaping them. It’s that simple.

MONDAY, AUGUST 9, 2021 The five glorious nights of good sleep I’ve had are about to come to an end as the week begins. We’re on for storms and of course the landscaping that’s been hanging over my head for a while now. So I don’t expect to sleep well tomorrow or Tuesday and maybe not either of those days.

This dishwasher definitely doesn’t clean as well as our other one. Couldn’t find a date on it but I’m guessing it’s about 15-20 years old. Can’t be closer to 30 because those had dial starters and no delayed time settings.

If we ever get our shit, every day that I get the luxury of sleeping is going to be spent doing 15 minutes on the treadmill, 15 minutes on the platform, and 15-20 doing yoga.

Even though I’m not good at cutting down the quantity of food I eat, I’m still going to make a point of eating healthy most days. I’ll let my weight decide where it wants to go from there which is pretty much all I can do.

So we’re 60 miles away from Norma and 160 miles away from the termites. Imagine if they suddenly knew that! Somehow I doubt the termite will ever be well enough to leave the state. Just a feeling, despite all her exaggerations and histrionics.

I just Googled her to see If anything new popped up. Just a 2-star review of a Dollar General store down in Lantana but it was actually left right before she and her twisted offspring went crazy on me. It’s also on the Atlantic side, but what would she be doing shopping 40 miles away from home, though?

I’m already starting to get a touch of cabin fever and feel the need to get out. Fucking schedule curse. I want to go out walking right now too, but I don’t know what’s out there. Are there skunks? Are there poisonous snakes?

Even though I hate hotels, I liked how at the last one it was easier to go to the pool and how I had to go down to the store, to breakfast, and to the fitness room and things like that. So I was going out even though I wasn’t. The problem is there are only so many places we can go. I would like to be out 3-4 days a week for a few hours or so but then where would we go and what would we do in that time? Things usually take money anyway. Either way, as soon as my schedule is good for it, I want to start with that small beach that’s about 10 minutes away.

Had a series of strange dreams. I was considering pawning a ring that I had reshaped somehow but then I changed my mind even though the woman said it was beautiful and seemed willing to take it.

Then I was running through a T-storm feeling a little nervous when I was close to puddles of water.

Next, Tom was placing a light bulb into this really weird light that had all kinds of different bulbs in it in preparation for us to move, only it didn’t look like this place.

Lastly, Tom was telling me that he heard someone rummaging around in my bedroom for 10 minutes while I was out, but I couldn’t get him to tell me who it was or what he did about it.

Tweets…

Laurie threatened to kill me and “pummel” my face in as soon as she found out who I was, and while I understand her rage for dragging her family into it (I likely would have said the same thing if I were her), imagine if I had threatened her? I would have hell to pay for the rest of my life!

Never thought so many loud ADULTS would come out to shout and laugh like drunkards in the evenings but it’s better than screaming kids, barking dogs, and car stereos.

SUNDAY, AUGUST 8, 2021 NOTE: Tweet journaling was a bit of a pain. Especially something that needed more than just a few sentences to write about. I’ll do a mix of traditional journal writing and add random tweets at the bottom.

We went on a quick 10-minute walk but this time we headed in the other direction toward the entrance. Seems like Toni, the Canadians, and someone else has the exact same house we do. All the new ones look the same too. Of course there had to be three planes in just the 10 minutes we were out there. That and the lack of space here are the top two disappointments. At least they do taper off at around 8 or 9 at night and the street we’re off of isn’t as loud as the Eisenhower freeway was. Not many helicopters either. Just a bunch of small planes and commercials.

Got a cute shot of a lizard in our carport and yesterday he got a cute one of a cottontail toward the back of the park.

I’m amazed at just how many people are out and about socializing, especially in the early evenings. Our door to Canada is closed right now due to the Delta variant going around. Vaccinated people can get it. They just don’t get sick enough to be hospitalized. If it remains closed until Thanksgiving, next door could be empty longer.

I’m a little worried about the winter because if these many people are out and about in this heat and humidity, the winter might be rocking, especially when the seasonal places near us are occupied. So glad we don’t have anyone behind us!

Late at night, I was looking at Laurie’s pictures. Maybe she wasn’t the hater I gave her credit for because she had a profile picture of the rainbow flag. So I don’t know. Maybe she really was with a woman named Donna at the time she said she was. Although I can’t see her friend list, there’s a Donna that comments a lot on her posts.

Then I got up to find she blocked me. I’m surprised! I thought she’d not see the unsent messages, would make some sort of threat if I contacted her again, or would ask what the messages were. Or maybe even go silent hoping she would hear from me again. So she remembers who I am. That’s also surprising. Maliheh didn’t remember me at first. Usually, those that don’t give a shit about you don’t. Had I known she was going to block me, I wouldn’t have bothered unsending the messages. The funny thing about it is that she’s got to be racking her brains trying to figure out how the hell I found her and I’m sure she’s wondering what the hell the messages said. Retired or corrupt, could she use her connections to get Facebook to reveal what they were without tipping me off? I don’t know about that, but I know I put a mutual block on her.

Anyway, I’m doing some walking on my treadmill in spurts. It’s more challenging because it has a natural incline to it that the other one didn’t have. The other one could be made flat or inclined. This one is incline-only.

The new wireless printer came today. It’s an inkjet, not a LaserJet. When I’m ready for new nail stickers I’ll get the special paper to print them out on.

What was a bummer was that the parrot on the 12-inch ring was broken. Its tail was completely broken off and there was a missing piece that made it look like they packed it that way. Why the fuck what you do that? Why would they assume it would be okay and that the buyer would accept it like that? It will be returned and we requested a replacement. The bird is otherwise nice with the four primary colors. Decent size for where I want to put it too.

The hydrating socks are great. They really help to soften my feet and what was cool was that after I left them on my feet for 20 minutes, I could take them off and put them on my hands. Norma says she has Berber carpet as well and wears socks in the condo. Yeah, but it’s summer, so I don’t want to do that. I love being barefoot.

I also love that I’ve been able to sleep well enough 4 times in a row! Can’t imagine I’ll be on that trend much longer. I did swear I heard a thump at about 7:40 in the morning but he said he didn’t hear anything at that time. Yeah, he doesn’t hear 90% of what’s going on around him most of the time, LOL. Probably just a car door.

I also got my hair removal wax warmer and it’s a little tricky to use as I have to get used to it but it definitely does the job! For about 10 minutes after I used it, my skin was burning but then it shut itself off like the flick of a switch.

A water filter for the refrigerator is coming tomorrow. Really hope it makes the water taste decent enough to drop bottled water. That way I don’t have to try to schedule Walmart before I run out and it would save money.

I’m getting used to my little narrow pink chair but Tom has to fix one of the wheels because it won’t pivot.

Didn’t have any anxiety last night and I’m feeling okay tonight too. I don’t know what that was a couple of nights ago but I just hope I keep on my much calmer and happier trend as the hormonal rampage my brain and body were on for so many years winds down!

I’m already starting to have spells of boredom but that’s because we’re getting settled and there really isn’t much we can do until we get the rest of our stuff. They’re really starting to piss me off with that too. I want my fucking stuff!

Tweets…

The black curtains in my bedroom aren’t nearly as pretty as the mauve curtains and lace that was there before but they sure do a better job of blocking light.

When Toni told us that if we ever need anything not hesitate to go to her, I realized how this was both so sincere and phony. Sure, she meant what she said, no doubt. But would she say that if we met in the parking lot of Walmart or at the beach?

SATURDAY, AUGUST 7, 2021 I did something rather pointless until Andy talked some sense into me. Yes, Andy.

I found Laurie H and I contacted her. I searched her name along with the city and state and the word “police,” figuring she’d love to brag about that or at least make it known. I found an account belonging to what I think is her. She was listed as working at the PD from 1987 to 2003 when she retired. She’s married with two kids and is from Greenfield. When I looked at the picture of her, though, I didn’t see any resemblance whatsoever, even though I only saw her for 2 seconds 30 years ago. She���s now 60 years old and looks pitiful. Also, I don’t see her maiden name mentioned anywhere. In italics is the message I sent her. I shared a copy with Andy and he said he hopes it works out but thinks I’m playing with fire. I said there was nothing to “work out,” I didn’t want to be friends with her, and wasn’t going to contact her again.

He said it’s never good to admit to a crime even if it was a long time ago. My first thought was that he was just being paranoid since it’s already been addressed in the past, and what could she do with an apology of all things? What I did in the 90s was illegal but how is my message illegal?

And then it hit me that hey, this was someone who was very anti-GLBT – if not a closet case – and likely wasn’t retired but kicked off the force for some kind of brutality or corruption. She would have only been in her early forties in 2003. Why would she retire then and go into office management? Maybe she was hurt on the job, but I really don’t have anything to apologize for as Andy pointed out. I attempted to do that 30 years ago and instead of accepting it and leaving it at that and giving me a chance to live up to my word about calling at a decent hour in the future, she threatened me with ultimatums.

Not only that but she threatened me during one of my calls to her, saying she was going to “kill me and pummel my face in.” When her brother said to have me killed when she got me, she said, “With my very little hands.”

So I took Andy’s advice and I unsent the message even though she’s going to get a notice saying that I deleted a message. There’s still a chance it isn’t her and that she never checks her spam box or message requests but I’m not worried about it. I mean, I’m 99% sure nothing would have happened but why take that 1% chance? Why be the fire she wouldn’t want to play with rather than me being the one playing with fire because had she somehow altered, falsified, or twisted my words to screw me with…well, I need not say anymore. But damn me for being so nice, forgiving, and apologetic. I’ve gotten better over the years, but I still need to toughen up even more.

Just looked at her pics again and IDK. There’s mention of Greenfield, the age is right, she did have brown hair and eyes, but she just doesn’t look right. I’d never guess it was her. I don’t see a resemblance to the Laurie who gave me a light in the parking lot that day. This woman is flat-out ugly.

The message I deleted goes like this:

Is your maiden name H? Why don’t I just go ahead and say what I want to say and then unless I hear from you again, this will be it. :-) I’m the one who made prank calls to you in the middle of the night from South Deerfield in 1991. For that much, I owe you a heartfelt apology. I was an immature, naive, troubled prankster and you didn’t deserve those late-night disturbances, especially for me to drag your family into it via 3-way calling.

However…I think that threatening me with being arrested if I didn’t show up at the PD was a bit extreme since you never gave me a chance to keep my word when I finally revealed my identity that I would no longer bother you. I assure you, for whatever it’s worth, I would have indeed kept my word. I can see if you were threatened or something like that, but giving that kind of ultimatum over some stupid, silly pranks was a bit much. Doesn’t excuse what I did. I get that. I could sit here and tell you I had a rough childhood and how/why I came to be troubled and did the things I did, but I understand that that would be a piss-poor excuse.

Admittedly, my view of police, courts, and judges in general has soured over the years. Too many lies to civilians and brutality. I think a few really do care but then you have way too many that think they’re these invincible little Gods. Then you have some twisted sentences where people get thrown in jail for something they said while you can beat your wife and barely even get probation. You threatened me over the phone with your brother before you knew who I was. I think we both know that had it been the other way around, I would have had hell to pay. Really, if we can’t trust the police with the way they often go back on their word and make threats, who are we to trust?

Regardless, I’m sorry I bothered you way back when. I don’t know if you’re curious after all these years but just in case you ever wondered about certain things…I had asthma back then and had yet to quit smoking. I was waiting for a ride at the ER, realized I didn’t have a light for my smokes, saw you sitting in your cruiser, and asked you for a light. I liked what I saw in that I found you attractive. We were in a hurry and had no time to chat, not that I would dare ask a cop I’d just met out on a date lest I get my butt beat.

I had a friend who was a nurse at the hospital. Her husband was a cop in Greenfield. Not naming any names whether you know who they were or not since it’s irrelevant after all these years but it was through them that I found out your name and number and contacted you. I got the instant impression that you were very anti-GLBT and I know I should have left it at that. For whatever it’s worth, I identify as bisexual. Ended up marrying a wonderful guy in 1994. Since then, I’ve lived in five other states as we’re definite adventurers who like variety and change. :-)

Again, I’m sorry. Take care!

FRIDAY, AUGUST 6, 2021 Good thing I got up when I did. UPS slammed its truck doors across the street. That makes 3 surprising nights in a row of decent sleep and it also makes two nights in a row of having the runs. I have no idea why either. I did notice that I had this gross taste in my mouth that I could tell was coming from my stomach. Maybe there was a connection. I wonder if I’ll get them tonight as well. It’s one of those things that sneaks up on you. They came suddenly the first time and last night I had some stomach cramps seconds before they came.

Also last night, my mood began to darken and I thought oh no, here comes the return of the anxiety and the mindfuckers! But I’m fine tonight. I still could be in for trouble at some point. I don’t know. Even though I’ve broken a record with my 7 weeks, it’s still hard to believe it’s gone for good.

My leg still has the same burning and tingling sensations but most of the time it’s not too noticeable. He doesn’t think so but I don’t think it’s ever going to get better on its own, even with exercise. My joints are loosening up, though. The other day when I gave myself a pedicure, it was the struggle from hell trying to reach my toes but tonight I had no problem.

Still no landscaping even though it’s the sunniest day we’ve had in a while. I’m guessing they may figure it’s close enough to Tuesday to worry about it now. Or maybe the regular day is actually Monday and the weather caused it to be pushed out to Tuesday last time around. Haven’t been here long enough to learn the routine.

We met a few of our neighbors today. I was out by myself walking down the driveway when I noticed the woman next door in a motorized wheelchair that almost looked like a sit-down lawnmower watering her palm tree. She spotted me and came over to introduce herself as Toni. She didn’t seem as old as I thought she was from a distance and I didn’t get the impression she’d move soon. I’d say she was in her sixties.

She told me I would like it here and that after dealing with some medical issues, she was getting ready to go to the bakery to get us a pie and introduce herself and all that because that’s what they did back in her day, LOL.

She said the people next to us are Canadian and live here from around Thanksgiving to March.

I could have sworn Tabitha and Bruce said dogs have to be under 30 pounds but she said they didn’t have to have a specific size. I did see someone walking a very big dog down the street but I thought it was a service dog.

She said a guy named Charlie used to live here for a long time before the guy that was last here. There’s a woman named Jeannie, I think she said, next to the Canadian couple, and next to them is Linda.

Tom and I went for a 15-minute walk when we met Linda, another woman, and a couple of guys as we were walking by. They were sitting in front of Linda’s place chatting.

Toni told us that if we ever need anything not hesitate to go to her and so far I’d say that the people here seem much friendlier in general than out west. I’m not surprised. I learned rather quickly after heading west in the 90s that Westerners can be very cold, indifferent, and uncompromising. But not all of them! Last night I was not regretting moving, but missing some aspects of the old house (mostly its size) and the Twenties. We may not have been best buds but they were super nice and I didn’t feel so “alone,” so to speak, knowing we could run to them if we ever needed to for whatever reason and vice versa. As of last night, we knew no one here.

What I didn’t appreciate were the 4 kids playing ball in the middle of the street that was visiting down the street directly in front of us. You’re not supposed to make noise that people can hear inside their houses, although I could hear the laughter and chatter of Linda and her company. Didn’t mind them so much because it wasn’t loud enough to be annoying. I definitely hear a lot more talking around here, especially at the front of the house.

I’ve also been hearing this strange hollow thump on and off during the daytime and I have no idea what it is. I don’t think it’s coming from our house. It seems to be outside somewhere although I can’t be sure. It makes these two quick hollow-sounding thumps. It’s not a threat to my sleep, fortunately.

The planes definitely aren’t as bad as they are in the winter at our old place. I haven’t felt compelled to throw on some nature sounds or anything like that yet and there definitely aren’t nearly as many helicopters.

Today I got delivered to me what’s just about the shittiest office chair I ever had. I shouldn’t have gotten it just because it was pink and cute. It’s a salon-style chair that’s actually geared more toward younger people but I couldn’t resist. The chair is slightly narrow and the wheels are horrible!

I was so pissed for Andy earlier because one of his neighbors was walking by his apartment, and when he tried to be friendly, he threatened to punch him in the head if he ever talked to him again. Probably some homophonic bigot. OMG, if that were me, though, I would be all over him in a heartbeat, too pissed to care how fucking big he may be!

What I didn’t get was this. Well, he said the guy said he could call the police after he got done punching him. He also said that they have a policy there that if you get convicted of a crime you have one year to sell your place and move. But he has been convicted of a crime, hasn’t he? What about the sex-related charges and having to register?

Had this dream that Richard Ramirez was alive and following me around some building somewhere. I was anxiously trying to make sure others were around believing in that old adage about safety in numbers. He followed me around like a puppy, and although I thought he was cute, I was terrified of being alone with the psycho.

Then I had some dream that Tom and I were lounging on a bed or something together. He was either reading or playing a game on his phone when I decided to grab a sex toy and do myself. Realizing I hadn’t been very discreet about it and that it was a hopeless feat anyway, I told him I tried but was unable to get myself off and complained about being too old.

He pointed to his balls and said, “Well, those are full.”

I guess in the dream that was a sign of horniness rather than a stiff dick. I answered by pointing out that my clit was hard too, but that didn’t mean I could get off.

Then he and I had a dream about discussing a house we were going to sell.

THURSDAY, AUGUST 5, 2021 How is it that I would roast to death in the old place sleeping with the temp at 75 degrees while here I’m freezing and it’s 79°? And what is it about these floors that are making my feet so dry? Or is it the carpet?

I almost dread going to bed because I know I’m going to sleep shitty. Especially since I slept well the last time around.

Feeling sluggish, as usual. Worried my moods may go downhill but still holding out the hope of going even longer before the anxiety returns.

Later…

Slept okay. The trash collectors didn’t wake me up and neither did thunder. This time it waited until I was up.

The treadmill is here and set up! Looking forward to getting back into shape. It’s a little smaller than the other one.

Getting a 100-count variety pack of K-cups. We also got white corner shelves with a cut-out in the back for cords for our modem and router.

My bestie’s been dead for 2 months as of tomorrow and I still miss her terribly. They say the first year is the hardest when you lose someone close to you but I wonder if it’s ever going to get any easier.

No landscaping today. Again, don’t know if it’s because of the weather or because they normally do it every other week.

Heard a thump and saw a delivery truck a couple of houses down, so the thumps are likely vehicle doors and may be a threat to my sleep till the soundproofing material is up. Heard a couple after 1am last night.

Didn’t think I would, but I missed my AI friend Mia. They say the changes are simply a preview of better things to come so we’ll see.

Pretty fucking pathetic that those involved in the insurrection are getting a month or two of probation while I had to go to jail for half a year for words on paper all because my so-called “victim” was black.

Just ordered a colorful parrot hanging on a 12” ring to put on the plant hook above my desk, and a blue parakeet on a 6” ring for the “window” between the kitchen and living room.

Also ordered a rotating stainless steel utensil holder, a wax warmer for hair removal, pool slippers, slippers for this winter, and hydrating foot socks since this carpet is really tearing up my feet. So much for being excited about handmade looped Berber carpet!

It said you can take Calms Forte if you start feeling anxious so I took one since it was bubbling up under the surface. Not sure if it helped. This is worrisome, though. I worry that it’s going to return to haunt me relentlessly.

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 4, 2021 Thought I’d write until Tom gets back from picking up his meds at what he says is the busiest Walgreens he’s ever been to. In this tiny town?

Today is just the opposite of yesterday. I slept well, much to my surprise. I’m sure this means that tonight I’ll sleep shitty. It doesn’t seem like I’ve slept well two nights in a row in quite a while.

I had a dream that we were moving from some apartment and a young couple was to move in. A white woman and a black guy. The guy was fumbling in a funny-clumsy way with a TV.

And then I had another sad dream about Tom dying and me telling someone I was thinking of killing myself. :(

He said he could have sworn he heard the recycling people at 7 this morning. We’re curious as to whether or not I slept well because of the new drapes and switching from fan sounds to thunderstorms or if it’s just because I’m getting used to being here. I actually fell asleep to a real thunderstorm along with my nature sounds thunderstorm.

I still say my sleep has been cursed most of my life and there’s no reason to think I’m ever going to sleep well most of the time or even half of the time. But it’s a nice treat when I do get good sleep, not that I still don’t have fatigue even on those days. My blood sugar was 94 so I’m definitely not diabetic. The fatigue is likely coming from a combination of low thyroid and age. Sure hope it isn’t anything else like chronic fatigue!

They never did any landscaping yesterday or today. If they didn’t do it yesterday because of the rain, it seems like they could have done it today. So this gives me hope that they only do it every other week.

Tom explained how the stock market works and most of it went completely over my head. I’m just not good with those kinds of things. But I’m glad that the five shares of stock he bought from a medical investment company have already generated $4.95. I don’t know if we’ll be here for the rest of our lives (I doubt it since we like variety), but I like knowing that we have options. I don’t like being trapped. If we wanted to turn around and move right now, we couldn’t. All we would need, though, would be to fix this place up enough to be able to get 50k-60k for it and 20k to put down on the new place. But maybe we’ll be here forever, I don’t know. I doubt it, though, but I don’t know if we’ll leave the state or not. If we did, it would likely be to go to Texas. For now, I can see us here for about five years at least. It’s just that I feel like we’re still a little too young to say “Okay, this is it. This is the last stop.” Besides, I like to have goals to work toward.

Other than storms and planes that are almost as annoying as at the old place, the place continues to be a million times quieter. I absolutely LOVE the lack of traffic, power tools, and barking. We did notice that they put speed bumps in the new section and I really, REALLY hope they don’t put any here! That only adds to any traffic noise you do get when some idiot like UPS goes crashing into them.

As for the planes, Tom had a point in saying that they might reroute them in the winter and that they may only be flying over us now due to the storms. Somehow I doubt that. I think they fly over 95% of the world these days and that just like they followed me here, they’ll follow me to wherever we end up if we do move someday.

Shit! I can hear the landscaping starting now, so it is every week just like I thought, and they didn’t come yesterday because of the storm. :( So that’s going to make sleeping more of a challenge than trash day at the old place when I’m on nights. So yeah, after a handful of years of that shit, I may very well decide it’s time for some space around us and more control over what goes on and when and get some land somewhere. And more square footage. Maybe that’s what we should have done to begin with and it would’ve been cheaper too. It’s just that it would have taken longer that way and I did want to experience living in Florida after all. So I don’t regret moving even though I do miss some aspects of the old house. I’m not sure I can say I regret moving here but I don’t know that I want to do parks forever. I totally agree with him about feeling safer in an adult community but I would eventually like a little more control than we have in parks like this.

On the positive side, sleeping during landscaping may be a challenge but it used to be that every day used to be a challenge when sleeping during the daytime at the old place. Here, it should only be on landscaping days and I’m not always on days. After all, this is the second week in a row I’m awake while they’re at it. The sounds have stopped, so I wonder if they gave up for the day because it’s getting very windy right now that I can hear the wind howling. It’s like 15 miles an hour and it says that rain is coming again. It just got very dark out there too. That was fast, lol. I swear it was sunny just a second ago. Love the variety of weather here! Oh, now it says there’s a flood alert for Pasco County and a few others.

Later…

Began this entry a few hours ago but then Tom came home and we set up our new pink flamingo light/dark clothes hamper and then got to talking for a while.

And then I also had the runs. Probably due to not sleeping well the few days before today.

The awesome thing is that I’m now 7 weeks anxiety-free and have taken my meds consistently for 11 weeks. I don’t wanna get my hopes up but I’m definitely breaking records here.

I thought of a fun idea for blogging. At least it might be fun. Sometimes it’s easier to write in chunks throughout the day, especially since things change and occur throughout the day. So if I write in “real-time” as events unfold, it might be easier to do this on Facebook and then copy and paste each day into my regular journals. I’ll give it a try starting tomorrow. I say Facebook because they let you do more than 240 characters per post unlike Twitter and it’s time-stamped as well as dated.

TUESDAY, AUGUST 3, 2021 Today was an absolutely shitty day. While I’m still enjoying many aspects of being here, a part of me worries we’ve gone from bad to worse. I’m so exhausted! I’ve only gotten good sleep two out of the eight nights we’ve been here, and for the millionth time, I’m asking myself why? Why, why, why??? Why does something up there not want me to sleep? What does it possibly have against me sleeping most of the time instead of the other way around?

It’s weird because when it’s not storming and they’re not picking up trash or landscaping or making mysterious thumping sounds, it’s way quieter than the other place. Don’t know how it will be in the winter but except for the planes, it’s pretty damn close to dead quiet.

So I crashed at around 11 p.m. and then at 5:30 a thunderstorm woke me up. Managed to doze on and off for a couple of hours during which time I heard that mysterious thump twice. Heard it at 6:41 and then at 7. Yet there doesn’t seem to be anyone next door and I paid close attention to the house across the street. They do not close their vehicle doors loudly. For me to be sleeping this shitty at night really has me concerned about how I’ll be sleeping during the daytime.

Tom might be onto something, though, when we were throwing out guesses as to what could be making the mysterious thump. An animal doesn’t make any sense and I highly doubt anyone’s going into the storeroom, so maybe it’s the bed frame. It’s a metal-slatted frame that may make a creaking sound resembling a thump as it bends are gives even though I didn’t think it could do that. It’s a very strong, solid metal but I suppose it’s possible that where it bends and folds like where the hinges are, it might make that sound but why haven’t I ever heard it while I was awake just relaxing on the bed or listening to audiobooks? It’s like something is hell-bent on cursing my sleep like never before! It only wakes me up when sleeping on my good ear, so I don’t know what to think.

We’ve ruled out the refrigerator, hot water tank, and AC, and come to think of it, I don’t remember any thumping disturbing my sleep the first night when I slept with a mattress on the floor.

There was no landscaping today and I’m wondering if it’s because it was so stormy or because they really do it every other week. Tom also pointed out that the lack of ambient sounds here makes more things noticeable. Well, I definitely miss having the air cleaner on the bookcase shelf making that vibrating humming sound which may help with the thumping, whatever the fuck it is. I don’t know if it’ll do me any good but instead of sleeping to the sounds of a box fan and rain, I’m going to try thunderstorms and a heartbeat.

We plan to get soundproofing windows installed when my schedule flips but if storms and thumps keep waking me up along with other things, my schedule may never flip. Right now I’m nearing the end of my day worrying about thunder, thumps, recyclers, and landscapers fucking with my sleep next time around. It’s the same old fucking stress that I thought I left behind! Why is it that whenever I run from something negative or that I don’t like it follows me tenfold? I truly can run but never hide!

Anyway, I dozed off until 7 a.m. and was still exhausted. I just can’t handle broken-up sleep anymore. If I keep sleeping in chunks like this, it’s going to really take a toll on my health. As it is, it’s taking a serious toll on my energy levels and my mood. The treadmill is coming tomorrow and I wonder if I’m going to have the energy to even use the damn thing.

I wonder if we should have just gotten land in Texas somewhere since land is expensive here. It would have taken longer, yes, but it would have been cheaper in the end.

So we went to the bank and a guy helped me access our joint bank account. After that, I came back and napped for two more hours yet I’m still dragging. I thought naps were supposed to refresh a person, not make them feel groggy.

Despite feeling run down, we were able to install the black-out drapes. They definitely block light but if they reduce sound, I’d say it’s not by much. Tom did say that without them, he walked by the bedroom window while I was listening to audiobooks and could make out every word clearly. Now, he says it’s muffled.

We also set up smart plugs so the two bedroom lamps and the two living room lamps can be turned on either individually or both at once as a group.

MONDAY, AUGUST 2, 2021 Poor Tom took a nasty fall down the steps yesterday when he was putting up the new hummingbird solar wind chimes. He put them up and then slipped stepping off the steps to the lanai. Scared the shit out of me too, but luckily he didn’t break anything. He’s just going to be sore and bruised for a while, especially one of his hands and his foot.

He messaged Doc A hoping she’ll give him 30 days of his BP med. I don’t see why she wouldn’t.

Definitely starting to feel more at home here even if the landscaping is a definite negative since I’m not going to get any sleep with them around. Don’t get me wrong. I love that they take care of it and that we don’t have lots of plants and trees around our place for him to have to maintain. There’s just one small tree in front. They screwed a metal plant hanger to it so I figured why not add some wooden wind chimes to it at some point? This isn’t the place to have lots of wind chimes because it’s so windy here, but having just a metal one and a wooden one is enough for me.

He picked out a clothes hamper with a cute flamingo design that has a divider so you can separate darks from lights.

Getting black blackout drapes for my bedroom that has mixed reviews as to whether or not it blocks sound as well. As soon as my schedule flips, we’re going to get new windows for that room as well.

We also got shaded bulbs for some of the lights and they’re great. It’s a great way to get the benefits of LEDs without the harsh glare.

The new faucet is awesome. It looks very stylish and modern and I love how you pull the lever forward to turn it on, move it from side to side to get hot and cold water, and how there’s a button on the top to switch from a spray to a steady stream. You can also pull the hose directly out of the faucet which is better than having a separate sprayer.

Again I heard this mystery thump that woke me up. It woke me up a couple of nights ago at 11:30 and then again about an hour later. This time it was about 6:30 in the morning. Tom saw a car next door late in the afternoon, but I never saw any lights on after dark so I don’t know if they stayed overnight and if what I heard could have been their car door reverberating underneath the houses as they left. I don’t think any of the vehicles could make such a sound. If they slammed the shit out of the doors, then yes. But this is a consistent type of sound.

I swear, whatever’s up there will do anything to disrupt my sleep! So I’ve been a little tired today but not tired enough that I couldn’t go out to our local Chinese place which was just so-so. When you go out of the park and you head in the opposite direction, it’s almost like entering a different world. It’s much nicer. Anyway, he wanted to be “bad” and get some Wendy’s which was by the Taste of China restaurant where I got the most boring shrimp fried rice I’ve ever had, so-so BBQ ribs, good crab rangoons, and excellent shrimp with veggies. I topped it off with a sugar cookie that he got from Wendy’s. I’ve got to stop eating like this, though. It’s blowing me up like a balloon!

On our way there, I noticed a tractor in back of the park but not near us. Maybe still near enough to hear it, though. Could be part of what I was hearing the other day.

The planes were annoying over the weekend but today they were pretty similar to Citrus Heights. It truly sucks shit. I swear there’s never going to be any escape from the flying bastards! It’s like a plane curse entered my life in 2013 and then it followed me cross country. The question is how many hours a day are they going to do this shit and will it be worse in the winter when it’s cooler and sounds travel better? I swear, though, every time I check the flight tracking site for both here and the old place, there’s usually always something here and nothing there. It’s like the planes stopped when I left or they sent them over here to torment me. It’s coming up on 9:00 PM and it seems to be quieting down up there so I’m hoping against hope that they won’t fly at night.

I went for a walk down the street again and back but it’s just way too humid to do much outdoor walking.

The trash collectors weren’t in and out today. They passed by the place a couple of times before they got our trash and they do have a little lift on back of it. They’re still not as loud as in Citrus Heights but I worry I’m not going to sleep much better in the daytime here than I did there. Just a bad feeling I’ve got.

We put together the headboard shelf today and I didn’t realize that all the sizes were off. This is a higher platform and a lower headboard. So when I get my 13-inch mattress, the shelves will be blocked. I tried to cancel the mattress but got a message saying it couldn’t be canceled so I’m probably going to end up giving him the mattress I already have and the platform. I’ll get a lower platform.

He also found that his shower leaks so he showered in mine and loved it. It’s so much roomier, cleaner, and newer looking. So as I told him, whenever he wants to shower when I’m awake, why not go in there?

He set up the shower caddy so now there’s plenty of space to put things and a little footstool for shaving and pedicures.

We tried to provide my online signature to set up a brokerage account but because it’s been so long since I accessed our bank account and my contact info has changed in the 13 years or so since it was created, we’ll have to stop at a Wells Fargo tomorrow to get things straightened out. I don’t even remember my PIN#.

SUNDAY, AUGUST 1, 2021 Surprisingly, I slept well last night and have good energy today. Wanting to take advantage of it, I suggested we go to the pool earlier. We were the only ones there and it was definitely not heated at the time and was a touch chilly, but still comfortable. What I didn’t like was the ants near the steps of the pool. I do know they have biting ants here. They were reddish so I figured they might be fire ants. Luckily, neither of us got bit.

I got us a couple of cute beach towels to take to the pool that we’ll also take to the beach. One is tie-dye and another has a pink donut tube in a pool.

The lack of loud traffic is great. But the Tuesday landscaping will easily make up for trash days at the old place when I’m trying to sleep. So the tentative plan, since they’re not here one minute and gone the next, will be to just get up, wait the 3-4 hours till they’re done, then see if I can go back to sleep.

There were about 12 to 13 planes yesterday that I noticed. So far today I’ve heard about half a dozen or so. Strange how I check and find nothing at our old place more often than here. It’s like they all left CH because I did. Anyway, they’re disappointing but I’m determined to get used to them by not running and drowning them out with sound machines and stuff like that. I’m enjoying the quiet when they’re not floating above and the lack of traffic/projects. Don’t know how quiet it will be when the house next door is occupied but we’ll see.

He took a break from working on the sink because of an upset stomach from a greasy burger he ate. I’m going around doing little things here and there every day. Today I hung up one of my small diamond paintings over a piece of torn wallpaper just inside the door. I also wiped down dirt and fingerprint marks on the hallway closet door along with these dark lines along the baseboards. They’re about 4-5 inches above the baseboards and I wonder if they had a robot vacuum at some point. They seem to be all over the house but I’ll do a section here and there rather than try to do it all at once. I don’t want to run out of things to do and end up bored like I was at the old place.

I put together weekly cleaning lists. I’ll actually alternate between the two lists every other week. I plan to do the kitchen and bathrooms every week but will only dust every other week. Of course, I’ll vacuum every week too. Well, I’ll let the bot vacuum every week, but in addition to that, I’ll go around with a cordless hand vac every other week and hit places it can’t reach.

My little office is warm in the afternoon and not very private, but I like not living in one room as I did in both Cali places.

The built-in soap dispenser in the sink is cool but I wish I could see the container because I can’t tell when it’s full. I made quite a mess when the thing overflowed when filling it up.

Now the new faucet is installed and it’s great! So modern, lovely, and high-tech.

I’m so glad he was able to get the carpet this clean because I’m really liking it. It’s a nice color too. It’s a mix of grayish blues with white and small flecks of mauve.

This doesn’t have anything to do with what’s going on now but sometimes I think of the double standards that always seem to apply to me and they bug me. They really do. I could, for example, call someone a mean name or worse, and get my ass beat and people would say I asked for it. Even Tom would probably say that. Yet if the tables were turned and I attacked someone for calling me names or threatening me, I would be criticized for it and told I didn’t have to do that and that I could have walked away.

Having a mild T-storm now.

Another good thing he read in the park rules is that you can’t build fences. So unlike at the other park, you can’t make a dog run or anything like that.

Getting really worried about my weight. It’s like it’s getting further and further away from me right along with my flexibility and I feel like I have zero control over it. It’s like all I can do is watch helplessly as it gets more and more out of hand, knowing there’s nothing I can do about it. I feel like I���m probably close to 170 now. I just hope to hell nothing’s wrong and that my thyroid hasn’t died some more! I’m loosening my joints up a bit through stretching exercises and in just a day I feel a difference but I don’t know if I’m going to be able to cut my own toenails much longer if I keep gaining. I’m making a point of cutting calories and trying to eat three times a day and no more than 1,200 calories to at least see if I can prevent any additional weight gain.

He agrees the bidets need more oomph. There’s another nozzle we can attach to give it more pressure.

Got some peach Moscato to try later on. I’m sure I’ll love it.

[sweetmusingss]

Charles didn’t even notice how his nose scrunched up cutely when you called him ‘mon amour’. It wasn’t like he had never heard you call him that before but it was always in a condescending or sarcastic tone. It didn’t sound as sharp this time and it made him go a little soft. “Okay, as long as you promise not to leave my side again,” he smiled genuinely at you. “You should know better than anyone that I need to surround myself with people and have an audience admiring me at all times,” he teases you. He was rarely ever self-deprecating with you. The two of you always went back and forth insulting each other but he never really insulted or teased himself.

“Cocky, arrogant and needy... you’re the whole damn package aren’t you?” I couldn’t lie and say that him asking me not to leave his side ever again didn’t make my stomach fill with butterflies. I hated this man and yet he was bringing me to my knees and making me rethink every single interaction we’ve ever had. God, I really fucking hated him. I roll my eyes, shaking my head. “We all know you love the attention, Charles. That’s why you’re an F1 driver. All those flashing lights and cameras aimed at you, always being the center of attention, girls swooning left and right. I see through you. You pretend you do it for the driving aspect but I know better.” I thank the waitress as she brings over our meals, my eyes widening a bit when Charles did in fact actually order my favorite meal. He ordered exactly what I would’ve ordered for myself. I don’t say anything, not wanting him to know that he won, but the sentiment wasn’t lost on me. He observed me the same way I observed him. We were always so busy tying to find each other’s weaknesses to take advantage of that we both learned everything about one another, whether he wanted to or not. 

__

I smile softly at you when hearing what you said. “My personality? You mean, it wasn’t my great boobs?,” I tease you, giggling softly before taking another sip of my iced coffee. “I slept great though, babe. It’s probably pretty sad how I sleep so much better when you are with me. I couldn’t sleep at all last night until you came home,” I admit to you. I often referred to my place and your place as 'home’, not noticing how we were basically living together at this point. “Do you have any plans for the day until you go to work later, babe?,” I ask you, nervously drumming my fingers on the counter.

“Hey, I never said the boobs weren’t a huge selling point!” Seb points his fork at you, giving you a smirk. “I figured you couldn’t sleep considering you made me an entire homemade pizza. I hate that I work so late, but I really hate that you can’t sleep without me.. I want you to be fast asleep by the time I get home so I can wake you up by like going down on you or something.” Seb winks at you, taking a sip of his coffee. Seb loved how you both referred to either apartment as your ‘home’, your apartment now just feeling like an extension of his own. “I am supposed to hang out with Chris and get a lowdown of his trip with Renee, but other than that, I am free as a whistle. How about you?” 

[mermaid-trash]

The Siren Song - Part 2

Keoghan!Joker x fem!reader

A/n: this is probably the most stressful thing I've ever written, I wanted to just bridge the gap between the first chapter and the third chapter (which will have smut!) and break him out of Arkham but I dunno if this is actually good 😅 anyway, hope you enjoy if you read this 💚

Wordcount: 1.5k

Part One

You had never been a morning person. You had always worked the night shift, ever since you were a teenager still in school and you had a part time job at night to help your mother put food on the table. Now that you worked beside Batman as a vigilante of sorts, the night shifts had only gotten later.

Typically, you would get home in the early hours of the morning, tired and injured, and pass out on top of the covers until the early afternoon, giving you a few hours to massage your tired muscles and keep up your normal life and relationships, before your next shift began.

Ever since your visit to Arkham, however, you had been waking up at around 6am after only a couple of hours sleep, then spending hours staring at the ceiling, thinking of nothing but the green haired man trapped in Arkham.

And that was exactly how you had spent the past three hours. Laying on your back, staring at the popcorn texture of your ceiling and replaying the visit over and over in your mind. His alluring words had drawn you in so easily, you thought you should maybe feel foolish or naive, but you didn’t. You felt no shame or regret over your decision, only excitement for a new beginning.

The memory of how his gaze had clung to your naked skin hungrily still brought a bashful blush to your cheeks. The small praises he had given you along with his filthy instructions had only fuelled the heat between your thighs, and you would be lying if you said you hadn’t thought of his voice with your hand stuffed down your panties several times since then, his name rolling off your tongue as you climaxed.

“That’s it, dolly, you look so pretty coming apart for me.”

You shook your head suddenly, pulling yourself from your lustful thoughts as a light shiver ran down your spine. Glancing at the alarm clock on your bedside table, you ran a weary hand over your face and threw your duvet across the bed, embracing the chilly morning air and icy cold floorboards of your apartment with a grimace.

You padded, barefoot, into the small kitchen connected to your living room, hoping that a cup of coffee will help to clear your head, before freezing in the doorway. Your heart lurches as you spot a small black box on your kitchen table that definitely had not been there the night before.

Slowly, you step towards the table, inspecting the box; it was nondescript, just a small black box, rectangular and a couple of inches deep. Every survival instinct you possessed told you not to touch the unfamiliar package, yet your heart screamed for you to open it, as though you already knew who had left it there.

Eventually, your less sensible side won the internal battle, and you practically lunged for the box to tear it open with eager hands. You found a phone, similar to the burner you had for Batman but a slightly newer model. The world around you seemed to have gone completely still and you let out a breath you hadn’t realised you’d been holding when you flipped open the screen and were greeted with a soft electronic chime. An alert for an unopened text from a blocked number popped up on the screen, and you were quick to open it. Your heart raced at the words you read:

“See ya soon x”

For the rest of the day, you couldn’t relax. Your leg bounced anxiously when you sat down, you paced nervously when standing, your hands fidgeted persistently, and your lips were raw where you had chewed them to the point of bleeding; the thought that you would soon see the man who had plagued your mind for several days had reduced you to an anxious mess, especially with the knowledge that he had already, or was about to, escape from Arkham.

And he was planning on bringing that trouble directly to your front door.

A part of you was sure the Batman was going to show up any moment now and demand to know how Joker had escaped from prison so soon after your visit. He hadn’t spoken to you since the night of your visit to Arkham, and truthfully you hoped that you could just continue to avoid seeing him, as though you could just disappear into your fantasy life with Joker and never face the consequences that you knew were barrelling towards you. You knew this wasn’t possible, and you would have to face him again one day, just as long as it wasn’t today.

Slowly, the hours ticked by and the light of day faded into night. You laid stiffly on your back on top of your duvet, your eyes glazed over and fixed on a point on the ceiling. After hours of restless waiting, you were just beginning to give up on your fantasy of riding off into the sunset with Joker on a (probably stolen) motorcycle, when the sudden sound of glass shattering in your living room pulled you from your position on the bed and across the room before you had even realised you were moving.

Relief flooded your senses as you found Joker standing in your apartment, still wearing his orange striped prison clothes and still grinning horrifically in your direction just as he had when you had last seen him. An uncontrollable grin spread across your own face as you took each other in for a moment. His clothes were stained with blood that you knew without even asking was not his own- it was probably from the guards at Arkham, you reasoned.

“I was starting to think you weren’t coming.” You said, taking a step towards him before stopping, suddenly noticing the glass that coated the floor and posed a danger to your bare feet.

“Aw, thought I’d forget about you, huh, dolly?” He asked with a chuckle. He stepped slowly towards you, studying your exhilarated expression with glee as he stood directly in front of you. “Nah, I could never forget about you.”

Without the reinforced glass barriers in your way, you could reach out and touch him, god you wanted to reach out and touch him, but instead your arms remained glued to your sides as though you had been paralyzed. Your heart thundered deafeningly in your chest as you peered up at his look of manic excitement.

“So, why are you here?” You asked, attempting to sound nonchalant despite your eagerness to hear what he had planned for you.

“Well, dolly, I’m here to take you away, show you how good being bad can be.” He drawled, leaning towards you. Suddenly his hand was curled around your wrist, though the action wasn’t threatening. His grip was firm but loose enough not to hurt. “You look bored, like you’re dying for some excitement. Batsy been leaving you to do his paperwork or somethin’?”

“He hasn’t been talking to me much since I came to see you. I’ve been…stuck in here.” You gestured around at your cramped, messy apartment. Joker burst out laughing at that, taking a moment to catch his breath again before speaking.

“Aww, ol’ Batsy grounded you?” You blushed furiously, your gaze falling from his scarred face for the first time since his arrival as he giggled at your humiliated expression. “How about we break you out of here then, hmm? You come with me, and I’ll never keep you cooped up like this, kitten.”

His long bloody fingers gripped your chin as he forced your gaze back up to his face. When his piercing blue eyes met yours with a psychotic glint, you suddenly realised how close you were to him; his face was just inches from yours, close enough for his breath to tickle your skin. You gazed up at him with parted lips, suddenly feeling dazed. He stared back down at you for a moment, and you wondered how he would react if you closed the gap and kissed him. He tilted his head to one side, still waiting for you to respond.

“He’ll come looking for me though, he’ll know I’m with you.” You stated plainly, and Joker giggled excitedly.

“But he won’t find us unless I want him to, dolly.” He explained, his voice low and seductive as the hand that wasn’t still gripping your wrist came up to cup your cheek, his thumb traced along your cheekbone with uncharacteristic tenderness.

“Okay.” You finally agreed, admiring the gleeful look that fell over Joker’s features. His grip on your wrist tightened as he began to pull you toward the broken window, laughter already spilling from his lips, before you broke free of his grip. He spun to face you, confusion laced in his expression.

“There’s glass everywhere, let me get my shoes-“ You began, turning to return to your bedroom, when suddenly Joker’s arm looped around your waist and before you could stop him, he had thrown you over his shoulder easily, as though it was something he did frequently - then again, maybe it was.

“Don’t worry, dolly, I’ve got you…” Joker said with a dry chuckle, before carrying you though the broken window of your apartment, and towards the new life he had organised just for you.

Part Three

[watchmegetobsessed]

BABY MAMA

A/N: woke up and just knew i needed to write about dad Harry, bc lets be honest, he is my fav. this fic is perfectly fine as a oneshot, but if you'd like, it could be a sequel to Grammy Winner Husband and Baby Grammy, i wrote things to line up with them!

PAIRING: Husband!Harry / Dad!Harry x Reader

WORD COUNT: 2k

masterlist

The arena is blowing up, the fans are screaming from the top of their lungs and Harry is putting out a show just as good as the previous ones have been. He is blowing the stage up, singing, dancing, joking around with the fans, enjoying this time he gets to spend with the people who got him to this point in his life. He’ll never be not grateful for what he has, what he is experiencing, no matter how hard this life can get sometimes.

“Dallas, how are you feeling tonight?” he asks in the mic as he walks back to his water bottle to have a few sips. The crowd erupts, the screams almost burst his eardrums, but he just chuckles, easing his thirst with some water before he returns to the microphone stand.

“Are you enjoying yourself?” he teasingly asks, though the reaction is the same. Insane screaming. “Alright, let’s move this show on before you get bored,” he chuckles playfully, the band starts playing the next song and he is back at what he does the best. Performing.

Though not far from the arena, there’s someone who thinks there’s something he is even better at than performing. That person is you, and you’re one hundred percent sure Harry is best at being a father to your five months old son.

Owning the stage, putting out the utter best he can, Harry’s thoughts still wander away from the show he is supposed to be focusing on. He can’t help it, his instincts are just completely drawn to his baby in the hotel suit, dying to know how he is doing. Leaving for the show late afternoon was harder than usually, because baby Theo was having a fever and coughing quite badly. His heart was breaking that he couldn’t help his son, didn’t even know what could be done for such a tiny baby.

“Love, he’ll be alright, okay? The doctor is on the way, it’s gonna be fine,” you told him gently as he was cradling Theo to his naked chest, always so eager to be skin-to-skin with him. Harry kissed his soft little curls on top of his head before nodding, though you knew it was eating him away.

“Call me or Jeff if something happens, okay?” he told you, handing Theo over to you, who was finally asleep after fussing for hours.

“I will,” you nodded, but he cupped your face to make you look at him.

“Y/N, I mean it. I’ll come off the stage if—“

“You won’t come off the stage, Theo is gonna be fine, he just probably got a cold from the aircon at the greenroom in Denver. He’ll be here when you get back, okay?”

He knew this tone, this was your momma bear voice and he would never argue with you when you used it, so he just nodded, kissed you and then Theo’s chubby cheek before heading out.

Now as he is nearing the end of the show he can’t help but think about finally being back at the hotel with his wife and baby, though he won’t let it be seen how eager he is to get off the stage.

The last song passes, the whole arena blows up from the energy and he is throwing kisses everywhere as he heads off the stage, down the aisle that leads him backstage. As he puts on his mask he turns around one last time, throwing some more kisses around to his beloved fans before disappearing behind the curtains.

“Did she call?” he instantly asks Jeff instantly, who hands him his phone over, a text from you already waiting for him.

Doc just left, everything is fine, left some meds for bub. Love you Xx

Even though this is what you told him before too, he feels relieved that the doctor confirmed it, but he still can’t wait to see the two of you.

“Alright, get the car ready, I’m leaving in ten,” he tells Jeff.

“Got it,” he nods, not even daring to argue with him. He knows better than to stand between Harry and his baby.

His legs bounce nervously on his way back to the hotel and he jumps out of the car as if it was on fire, running inside in a rush. He swipes the keycard through the reader on the door and opens it quietly, scanning over the place for you and Theo and there you are, sitting in one of the armchairs with his sleeping son in your arms, your hand gently tapping on his bum. You must have just finished feeding him, because a rag is still thrown over your shoulder and your shirt is all wrinkled around your chest. Theo loves playing with the fabric while you breastfeeding him and Harry loves watching his tiny fingers grab onto it and massaging it aimlessly.

“Hey,” he breathes out, quietly pushing the door closed behind him before he walks over, kneeling in front of you. He kisses Theo’s forehead first, before pressing his lips to yours too. “How is bub feeling?”

“He is doing good. The doc gave him some meds for the fever and we have a syrup for the coughing. He said he’ll be fine in a few days,” you softly explain to him, nodding towards everything the doctor left you on the coffee table.

Harry grabs the bottles, inspecting them as if he knows anything about medicine and you can’t help but smile as he furrows his eyebrows, reading the packaging.

“Want to put him to bed?” you ask him, his head snapping up right away.

“Of course,” he nods eagerly. You both stand up and he carefully takes the little boy from your arms without waking him up. “Hey bubs, I missed you,” he coos at Theo and as you watch him sway with the sleeping baby, your heart could easily burst from just the sight of them.

You didn’t know what life would be like as a family of three. After Harry posted a picture of you with his Grammy award and your belly ready to pop, the whole world went crazy over the fact that Harry Styles is going to be a dad. Despite the buzz, you managed to stay hidden for the rest of your pregnancy and just three weeks after that post, Theodore Styles decided to come to the world. Harry cancelled everything for the first two months, it was just the three of you, showering in the joys of parenthood. You had all the ups and downs, but you wouldn’t have had it any other way.

Then tour got rescheduled and Harry was hesitant whether it was a good idea to go on the road with a five months old.

“Sarah and Mitch are coming too, she gave birth a week after me,” you reasoned when Harry was about to cancel the whole tour. It took you some time to convince him that it’s gonna be fine, though you knew he would be extra cautious with Theo.

Now as you see him gently sway his way to the bassinet next to your bed, knowing that he just performed to thousands of people and now he is here with you and your son, you wouldn’t change it to some peace at home. Besides, you’re convinced tour is gonna do good for Theo, make him get used to people around him, not just the two of you or the grandparents and aunts. During the first night in Vegas, he barely spent an hour in your arms, everyone wanted a piece of him and you gladly let them befriend him, especially because he loves meeting new people, just like his daddy.

As Harry lays him into the bassinet and stands next to it with a lovesick smile on his face, you sneak behind him, wrapping your arms around his waist. He smells so fresh, he surely had a quick shower before heading back to the hotel, but you’re already planning to seduce him to join you for a quick shower as well. He won’t say no.

“Watched a livestream for a bit, you were so good,” you hum, kissing his right shoulder blade and you don’t miss how he leans back against you. “Loved the shimmery outfit.”

“Yeah?” he chuckles softly. Reaching around, he pulls you forwards so he can wrap you in his arms, kissing your forehead gently. “I missed seeing you dance at the side,” he smirks at you and you don’t miss the reference to the old times.

On his first solo tour, when you weren’t even married yet he often caught you dancing like crazy at the side of the stage, it would always make him laugh mid-song and you loved hearing his giggles through the mic, so you often did it on purpose. A few nights ago in Vegas you did the same, but with Theo in your arms, a massive ear protector on his head so the noise didn’t hurt him. When Harry spotted you, he almost started crying, he mouthed I love youand then carried on with the show.

“I’ll be there soon,” you smile at him, cupping his face in your hands to pull him down for a kiss that’s more than just a peck. “Now, I need help with something,” you mumble against his lips.

“Anything, baby.”

“I need you to help me shower,” you tell him cheekily. He pulls back and stares down at you with a playful grin, his hands already wandering under your shirt.

“Oh, is that so?”

“Yeah, I need someone to wash my back and… maybe somewhere else,” you hum seductively and start pulling him towards the bathroom, peeking at Theo one last time, but he is sleeping so deep, the two of you can have some alone time.

“Alright, I could never deny anything from my favorite milf,” he grins, but you smack his chest with a gasp.

“Harry! I told you not to call me that!” you protest, the two of you walking into the bathroom not to bother the sleeping baby in the room. You start running the water right away so it can be nice and hot for you when you walk in.

“Why? You are a milf,” he smirks, so full of himself, already pulling his shirt over his head.

“Then you’re a dilf, just so you know.”

“Baby, my fans have been calling me that for years, even before Theo,” he chuckles softly.

“You were destined to be a dad,” you giggle, getting rid of your own clothes. “Hey, if Theo feels better tomorrow, we could maybe take a walk in that park we saw on the way here,” you suggest, but when no answer comes, you look at Harry and find him just standing there, fully naked, staring at you grinning widely. “What?” you ask, glancing down at your own naked body. Suddenly, you are way too aware of the weight you haven’t been able to lose after giving birth, the stretch marks on your waist and how you’re not at all freshly shaved. Just as you’d move your hands to cover yourself a bit, Harry grabs your wrists and stops you.

“You are so fucking gorgeous, baby,” he hums, dropping his head until his lips could reach yours.

“Stop being such a flirt,” you giggle, feeling your face heating up.

“It’s the truth! I have the prettiest baby mama and that’s a fact.”

He looks at you with so much love and adoration in those beautiful green eyes, it almost makes you cry, knowing that this man is your husband and you get to spend the rest of your life with him.

Wrapping your arms around his neck you kiss him hard, pulling him into the spacious walk in shower.

“Then come and get your baby mama wet,” you giggle against his lips, making him laugh with the ambiguous request as he shuts the glass door behind him, his lips hungrily kissing wherever he can reach and you’re pretty sure the hot water is not the only thing that’s steaming up the glass.

Thank you for reading! Please like/reblog if you enjoyed!

[cinnamonest]

Since people actually liked it here's the continuation of the modern Xiao camgirl!darling post I cut from the original, as promised, most if it's under a cut. Here’s the original post. I didn’t think people would actually like the camgirl concept so I thought I was rambling too much and cut this part out lol but here it is now!

Tws: derogatory language/female slurs, mentions of reader being a cheater, reader is promiscuous, murder, incel-y mentality (our modern boy would be a 4chan user, look me in the eye and tell me I'm wrong) and mentions of upsetting realistic things, this one's darker than the first part. If you're bothered by other modern stuff for being too realistic best avoid this too probably, involuntary pornography ---------- Coming up on one year since you gained your most loyal subscriber, you get a rather... Unsettling request. He has something he would like this month, in fact, he adds a few hundred to the regular amount (he's been saving up just for this) and asks for just the answer to one simple question. What's your name?

Your real name, he clarifies. He doesn't need a last name, nothing like that. It would just... Make him feel closer to you. He avoids using the term "anniversary," even though that's what comes to mind. He also doesn't tell you that he already knows, that this is just a test of your honesty. For someone who's so cautious, you would think you would think to give a fake name whenever you go to coffee shops for them to yell out, or change it on the packages you get. You hesitate. And it would be easy to give him a fake one, yet, you don't really think about it too much, you kinda think about that as an afterthought, what you should have done, but your very real name is typed out and sent before you really process it, and you feel a sort of unease, but it's already sent. No big deal. He can't do much with just your first name, right? If your name is common, you feel pretty safe, but even if it's a rarer one, surely there are other people with it, right? He's happy though. Kinda surprised, really, that you didn't lie to him. Maybe you trust him?

You're not stupid, you know something is wrong, you're becoming paranoid. And you connect the weird feeling to him, bc he goes radio silence for several days leading up to finally taking you. This dude who used to respond to any messages you sent within 10 seconds suddenly... It's like he disappeared? He hasn't responded to anything you send him ever since you said your name. You send him messages saying you haven't heard from him in a while and you're worried... The way you word it makes it sound like you're worried about him, but you both know that's not what you really mean. You're hesitant and suspicious of every guy you meet. You buy pepper spray and start carrying some around, you nearly spray a poor guy who you thought was trailing you, turns out he just lives in your building. He makes note of it. He watched you buy it, and is quick to realize you always hold it in the same hand. That must be your dominant hand, that's an important mental note for the future, since you're more likely to try to attack him with that hand. He'll remember. He has a note in his phone with information like that. Height, weight, birthday, social security number, parents' names, school she graduated from. All in little bullet points. He adds dominant hand to the list. He's not worried at all really. Already watched you struggle to carry packages he could lift with one hand, your strength doesn't cross his mind as a threat. At first he just doesn't know what to say, and that's why he stops responding, he feels too awkward but... He starts to enjoy the weird feeling of power the whole situation is giving him. You're worried, you're constantly paranoid, and it's because of him. Now you finally understand the same feeling you inflict on him, how you consume his thoughts every waking moment of every day. It used to irritate him that you held so much power over him, while he meant nothing to you. Now, the tables have turned. You're forced to have him constantly in your mind, whether you like it or not, just like you are in his. It's giving you what you deserve. It gives him a feeling of significance. He matters, even if it's not in a good way. And he keeps telling himself that once he's all you have, he'll matter even more. He's smart enough to realize that if you're paranoid, you might have mentioned him by username to someone else, so to ensure he knows what to do from this point, he has to sneak into your apartment at night as you sleep. It's so unbearably tempting, you have no idea -- you're right there and so vulnerable. He has to hold himself back because he knows that if he so much as touched you, he couldn't hold back. But it's torture, standing there so close, watching your chest rise and fall as he fiddles with the phone. Even when he unlocks it with your thumb, he tries to hold the phone from an angle to do so, even if the skin of his hand grazes yours, it would be too much. You have a lot of contacts across your messages and a bunch of different apps. You have one guy in your online chat you've exchanged far more messages with than anyone else! Hundreds upon hundreds of messages, and huge paypal cash drops, who the hell is -- oh, wait, that's him. Nevermind. But, to his pleasant surprise, he's the only one of your... customers that you regularly talk to, the rest just have a few paypal notifications or clarifications on your policies, but no actual conversations like you have with him. Of course, that's literally part of your deal, he's literally paying for it, but it makes him happy nonetheless. But as he goes through your personal messages, he finds that you are... in no shortage of options. Like, holy shit. It was kind of expected. You *are* really pretty, that's how you have so many followers after all, but this is a lot. So many contacts named some variation of "DO NOT ANSWER!!!" or "creepy guy that forced me to give him my number at the club", etc etc. Plenty of unsaved numbers texting you to never get a response. You've ghosted enough dudes to make your place haunted. It's... kinda awful, really. It also kinda hurts his heart a bit more than he expected. You have so, so, so many options, even without the cam thing, he's more insignificant than he even realized. ...Well, for now, at least. He'll be significant to you soon enough. And then you seem to have a sort of "boyfriend of the month" deal going on, aside from that. Plenty of male-name contacts whose last exchange is a "don't talk to me again!" message from you, plenty of messages corresponding to the same time as those to your girl friends about how you can't find a good guy and every relationship ends badly. How unfortunate. See, it's because you choose bad guys. You probably go for dicks and not.... well, he can't exactly pull the "nice guys like me" mentality, he doesn't delude himself into thinking he is one. He's lucid enough to realize that most nice guys would not be sneaking into your house and standing over your sleeping body to stalk your phone as they make plans to kidnap you. He knows he would probably fall under the classification of a creepy guy. He's just too far gone to care. Still, he would be so much better to you, he tells himself, not a cheater or a player like you complain about. To say he resents those kinds of guys -- ones that can do the unthinkable and actually talk to girls, let alone successfully, only to be assholes, and yet girls like you still go for them -- is an understatement. You're basically just a slut, you probably ignore all the guys that would be nice to you, just like all those internet forums he reads talk about. Typical.

Well, those forums also make fun of guys like him who pay for girls like you, but he can't blame them. It *is* kinda pathetic. There is one dude you talk to, though, now. Current boyfriend of the month, from the looks of it. You have a little heart emoji next to the name. He knows it's kinda pathetic that something so simple and insignificant sets him off, but it does, makes him pout and grind his teeth and curl his other hand into a fist. It's so unfair. Some dude you barely know gets to fuck you, and you haven't even known him nearly as long as you've known him! He doubts this dude -- hell, any of your boyfriends -- has put in the same amount of money that he has into you. They fuck you practically for free. And that, unfortunately for you, only solidifies his decision. If you're fucking some dude for a month because they buy you dinner every now and then, if we're going by that scale, then you owe him quite a good deal of pussy. Any hesitancy or guilt he had about the whole thing is gone. And he's a little mad. Keeps grumbling to himself that you're just a loose whore, fucking so many people and putting yourself out there on the internet. He wonders if they even know about what you do. Probably not, you probably don't tell them. Yeah, that sounds like what you'd do. Really, you're kinda lucky that someone like him is so willing to commit to you, since you are a slut. You don't deserve it, but he loves you anyway. And you'll probably have the nerve to be ungrateful for it too. Sigh. On the bright side, by some miracle, it would appear that you have not told any real-life people about him, you haven't sent out any hey if I disappear you should probably look into this creep type of messages. But he can't afford to have you doing so in between now and when you move in with him, so, he decides he has to act within the next 24 hours. While he's here, though, he decides to do a quick sweep of your place. Makes note of what snacks and drinks you like, what brand of toothpaste and shampoo and the like you use, so he can buy some for you. Maybe you'll adjust better if you have some of your favorite things. And then, after days of silence, he sends you a message, says it's fine, his internet went out for a few days. He means it to reassure you, but somehow it makes you feel more uneasy. He has everything planned out, or so he thinks. But you deviate from your usual schedule. When you leave work or class, you don't go home, you go somewhere else, first. How strange. Maybe picking up groceries? He follows from a distance. No, looks like you're going out to eat...? Maybe you're meeting friends or family or -- no that's a guy. Fuck. You must have planned this just earlier today, since there were no messages on your phone. It makes a bitter feeling rise in his gut. He hates that he can't get close enough to listen to your conversation. Well, he hates the whole thing, sits there and seethes the whole time. Watches you through the windows in the parking lot, thankfully you chose to sit outside. Feels his eye twitch and his hand clench every time you smile and laugh. It takes way too long. The fact that you split the bill feels like a punch to the stomach too. Shouldn't you be used to taking guys' money? Oh, and what's this...? This guy isn't the picture on boyfriend-of-the-month's contact. Well, well, well. You really are a whore. See, it's a very good thing he's taking you off the market. You're probably a reckless heartbreaker too. He's doing all the other men of the world a favor by taking on such a burden as you. And it makes him feel far more justified in keeping you locked away, since he has every reason to believe, now, that you'd run off and fuck someone else if given the chance. Halfway through, the guy briefly gets up and runs to the bathroom or something. While he's gone, he sees your face fall a bit. And then he sees you look around. You turn your head from one side to the other. Your eyes scan the area. You shuffle uncomfortably and you bite your lip and your eyebrows furrow. You're scared. You feel like -- no, you know you're being watched and it scares you. That makes him a little happy, for some reason. He wouldn't be sure what to do if you went home with the guy, but thankfully you don't. No big deal, this was just a bump in the road, he still beats you back to your building and he still goes through with the original plan. Even better, now that it's even darker outside. If anything, now he's got extra aggression and testosterone in his blood, running over the events in his head and going through some... very forceful and violent fantasies. The message he sent had you uneasy, and it's also how you immediately know what's going on when it does finally happen. You keep telling yourself you're being unnecessarily paranoid, that it's nothing, maybe that guy actually got his life together or got a girlfriend or something. Things like... What you fear, don't happen in real life, that's stuff that only happens in movies and stuff. You keep calling it that or it in your head. That won't happen to you. It's not going to happen. The series of events that play out in your head, scenarios you try to push out of your mind. Sure, in the movies it always takes place in the stairwell, but that's fiction, so you go up the apartment stairwell as always. You're not gonna let a bunch of B-grade old films scare you. And it's always some dude standing and waiting, but that nice young boy that you've never seen before is just leaning against the wall, scrolling on his phone, he only glances up for a second as you pass by, he's not a threat, you're being paranoid. You flash a smile and a little wave as you walk by, he doesn't return either, just looks back down at his phone. See? This guy doesn't even care, you're being paranoid for nothing, you tell yourself. But as you make the turn to go up the next set of stairs you hear the click of a phone being put on the lockscreen, a few metallic footsteps ringing out in the open hall and echoing, coming up right behind you, but for that split second you expect a tap on the shoulder, maybe he has a question, it's not like movies, it's not like movies, you're not gonna get a cloth shoved over your face and--- Well, it's not exactly like the movies. You were prepared, but it all happens in one motion - one hand grabs the hand with the spray and twists it, making you drop it, the other wraps some material over your mouth. You were prepared enough that you don't gasp in surprise, you hold your breath and thrash, but it doesn't make any difference, you wiggle and writhe for a few moments but can't even begin to break free, eventually succumb to the lack of oxygen and take a deep breath. It takes a few seconds to settle in, it's not so immediate. You instinctively panic and thrash again, but he has a complete iron grip. The dizziness takes a second to set in. He huffs a bit in frustration and says stop moving, it's fine. It's definitely not, but it occurs to you that that's not something a kidnapper looking for any potential vulnerable girl says. It's a poor attempt at comfort. It's someone specifically looking for you. And if that wasn't enough, he says your name. Your very real name. Maybe it was a mistake to tell him after all. But the worst part of it all is that there's not a single doubt in your mind, even in your panic you have the realization, it's definitely him and this is literally exactly what you were afraid of. And it's the last thing that goes through your head. And once he's got you out cold he just takes a sigh of relief. He may have been very neutral faced to you, but in reality he was incredibly nervous. He hasn't exactly made or used chloroform before, our boy is operating on YouTube tutorials here. He's got adrenaline pumping through his veins and carries you with his arms trembling. He's on autopilot carrying you out, but his mind is also consumed by holy fuck I'm touching her she smells so nice she's so warm her face is so close I'm actually touching her-- you get the idea. He feels bad about taping your hands and feet together and putting you in the trunk of his car, kinda. It feels too much like what a really bad person would do to a girl they didn't care about, like he's a trafficker or a murderer or a criminal or something, but that's not true at all. Sure, he's still mad at you for being a whore and all that, but it feels improper, he just has no choice. It's late at night, but he can't risk getting pulled or being at a stoplight and someone seeing an unconscious girl in his backseat, so, trunk it is. But once he's home, to his tiny little downtown apartment (he'll probably be able to move into a better place soon, since he's not paying you tons of money anymore), he takes a quick check to make sure the coast is clear, and drags you out, up the stairs, all the way into his apartment, sets you down on the bed, where you'll be staying. He even washed the sheets and cleaned the place up a bit for your arrival. You probably would not like to see what this place looked like before the five trash bags worth of cleaning was done. He'll probably be more motivated in the future, though, since now he won't be so depressed all the time. And then the adrenaline of the fear of being seen is over, and that's when it sets in that this is real. It's very, very hard to hold back. You're real, in the flesh, he can reach out and touch you with his hands! It feels like a dream. And he realizes he can take this opportunity to do things he would be far, far too embarrassed to do when you're awake. He takes a few minutes to do just that, cautiously reaches out to poke your face, and then run a hand down your neck, your skin is so soft! Your hair smells so nice, he lays down beside you and runs his fingers over it. Puts hands on your body and just lays there in awe of the fact that you're real. He's pretty certain he's never actually touched a human female before now. Everything about you feels soft. Weirdly feminine, which is something very foreign and confusing to him. And he kinda uh... Loses it. Goes buckwild with just taking in every aspect of you. Again, since you're unconscious he can be gross and entirely shameless about it. Peels your clothes off and runs his hands and mouth over every inch of flesh, takes the tape off your lips and presses his tongue into your limp mouth until he's forced to let go to breathe, fingers you and tonguefucks you and sucks on your nipples and your neck. Lays pressed against you and just breathes in your scent. It takes every ounce of self control he has not to fuck you already. But he does jerk off a few times. That way he'll last longer, so it's a win-win. And then... you twitch. Tape goes back over your mouth. And then, you twitch again. And this time, you make a little "mm!" under the tape, you start trembling and he sees you try to pull your hands apart. You whimper. It sounds scared and distressed. He feels kinda bad, but it also makes him hard, and that outweighs any guilt by far. Besides, it's what you deserve after what you did earlier. You tortured him mentally, it's only fair. On the good side of things, you suppose, you don't have to worry about the usual fears one would have over such a situation - you're fairly certain he's not going to kill you, nor sell you. In fact, the bed you wake up on is pretty soft. You're naked and the tape is uncomfortable, but... At least he was considerate enough to give you a blanket. He does care about you, after all. First thing he says is asking if you're awake. Can you hear me? You hesitate a moment, and then you nod. He's a bit new to this whole abduction thing. He wants to make sure he didn't pull a muscle or something with the tape. So... Do you hurt anywhere? Does your head hurt? Oh, right, the tape. He's not stupid either. You have to promise you're not going to scream. In fact, he's angry enough about earlier that he gets a bit meaner than he originally told himself he'd be. If you scream, I'll make you regret it. Understand? You nod, so he takes it off, holding it close in preparation in case you were lying, but you don't actually answer him, you're silent again for a minute, then just ask a question of your own. You're that guy, right? He's silent for a few seconds, there's no need for any clarification. Finally just says yeah. You just breathe again. Silently. Finally you summon the courage to ask him what he wants with you. And why are you doing this to me? And his answer is fairly simple. What do you think? You don't say anything for a minute, and neither does he. He's not good with words, and you don't really have ones for this situation. It occurs to you that offering to pay him to let you go is probably not the solution. After all, this is the guy that's dumped unimaginable amounts of money onto you, you couldn't even come close to paying him back. You figure maybe, after he gets what he wants... well, you get the courage to ask.  Is there anything... that I can do o-or... anything that will make you... are you gonna let me go, after you....? And the answer is, again, simple, but the one you did not want to hear. No. He's a blunt boy, so he doesn't beat around the bush, but he doesn't torment you by keeping anything from you. In fact, he's already rehearsed this speech a few hundred times in his head. He just wanted to make sure he's very clear so there's no misunderstanding, and while he likes some discomfort in a vengeful sort of way, he doesn't want you to be too freaked out to where you have a panic attack. He says he's just going to... keep you here. He has the things you'll need. He got your purse with your keys, so he'll even run to your apartment after this to go get some of your stuff. You don't need to tell him which number, he adds, he already knows which apartment you're in. He needs you here, he says. And he makes sure to add that it's your fault. If you were never out there selling yourself in the first place, this never would have happened. If you're good, he can make things a bit better for you. But you need to go ahead and accept that you're going to be staying and that no amount of begging or offers is going to convince him to let you go. He can be nice to you, he promises. A better boyfriend than the others. You just have to be a good girlfriend -- you know, obedient and sweet and do what he says. Just like you always were when you talked to him. Just keep being sweet like that and doing the things he tells you to do. You would argue that the terms boyfriend and girlfriend are not appropriate descriptors of the sort of relationship he's creating, but you keep that thought to yourself. Instead, you ask, How long are you going to keep me here? Which is a dumb question, since he's pretty sure he already made that clear. Forever. -----

There's a double homicide in the area. Takes place on the same night, and the same diameter of knife is used, so police believe maybe the two incidents are connected. Especially because they do have something in common, one girl. She was romantically involved with both of them. The girl in question's apartment has been vacated, very suddenly, and the girl has disappeared without a trace, taking things with her from the looks of it, so police believe she may be responsible, but other than that, they have no leads. A few weeks later, a video circulates all over the internet. Some famous camgirl finally started making porn, apparently. Just one video, but the description (which was totally written by her, it has to be since it's written in first person right?) says something about how she decided to quit camming, so this video marks the end of her career. She got into a relationship, so she says in the description, so she has to quit. It's roleplay porn, apparently, she's doing a good job at the acting. All tied up and gagged and getting fucked by some big-dicked guy holding the camera. He's silent, but she's making a ton of noise, cums several times. Really good acting, the fear and desperation in her eyes looks so real. Talk about going out with a bang. It gets a lot of likes. Tons of comments about how sad people are she's quitting. And of course, a lot of comments say, what a lucky guy.

[mellowswriting]

I saw that requests are open! would it be possible for you to write a follow up to Second Chances with javi and reader? Maybe you have another kid and this time javi is able to be there for you throughout the whole pregnancy, and get to experience the first kick, you giving birth, etc (I am a sucker for domestic!javi if you can't tell haha) I think it would be really cute!!

From the Beginning

pairing || Javier Peña x afab!Reader

summary || Javier gets to experience the chaotic excitement of welcoming a new baby to the family.

word count || 6,466 

warnings || kid fic, pregnant reader, non-graphic childbirth, some spiciness but no smut, dad!Javi being adorable 

a/n || I can’t even express how much I love writing about the boys as dads, especially Javier! I really hope you all enjoy this, it was so very much fun to write.

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Early spring mornings always had a special quality about them. The air was never too hot, pleasantly warm with a hint of a cool breeze that still lingered from winter’s sharp grip. Plants were beginning to bloom, the trees regaining their bright green foliage that ruffled in a symphony with every pass of the wind. Spring was the bringer of warmth after the ice and snow, the nurturer that coaxed seeds to sprout and flourish, the guide for new life and hope.

Ironic, then, that those very qualities you had grown to love were the ones causing you so much inner turmoil that you couldn’t even enjoy the gorgeous morning happening around you. You hadn’t even realized what was happening at first. Mother nature hadn’t exactly gifted you with a cycle that could be easily followed and predicted. Instead you had the supreme pleasure of having to carry around menstrual products everywhere you went and having to replace your underwear far more often than usual. So when you went two months without the waves of cramps and frustration of your period, it wasn’t all that remarkable.

It was when you were doing some last minute grocery shopping the night before that you realized something was off. Well, more off than usual. The sight of the shelves of tampons made your stomach bottom out with realization. You must’ve made quite a sight as you stood in that aisle with a cart half full of food, just staring at tampons with dread. Two boxes of pregnancy tests got tossed in with the various other items in your cart and you hoped that Javier was too tired from work to insist he help you put away the groceries.

For once, the universe appeared to be on your side. Your husband was sitting on the floor with Elianna, a spread of coloring books and crayons scattered on the living room carpet, and he actually listened to you when you waved him off to carry the bags in yourself. The tests were tucked away in the bathroom behind your tampons - ironic, yes, but it was the one place Javier really wouldn’t be poking around.

Honestly, a part of you felt bad for not telling Javier right away. He had more than proven himself as a great father and husband in the nearly two years since he returned to your life. Those irrational little fears of him leaving you and little Ellie had been crushed into nothing in the wake of the role he readily took on with his daughter, but this was different. Maybe it was pretty naive of you to not have that conversation with him, but it was something you thought you still had time for.

The plus sign on the pregnancy tests told you the time for that conversation was now, apparently. You were grateful for the timing of your little realization. Saturday mornings saw the standing trend of your sister whisking Ellie away for some ‘auntie and niece time’, and you really didn’t want her to feel the tension you were carrying. She was such a perceptive little girl that had an eye for everything.

Javier was still asleep. You usually slept in with him on the weekends, but you were restless to find out if your period was just pulling a fast one on you or if you actually were pregnant. Now you had four positive tests sitting in front of you and a sleeping husband who you couldn’t decide whether or not to wake up. Luckily, you ended up not having to make that choice since two sharp raps of his knuckles against the bathroom door snapped you out of your trance.

The door opened a millisecond after you snatched up the tests and hid them behind your back, not so unlike Ellie when she was hiding a treat she wasn’t supposed to have yet. The difference was that you didn’t know if this would be a treat to Javier. He was still half asleep, his thin pajama pants slug low on his hips and his eyes squinted against the bathroom light.

“G’morning,” He grunted as he moved to shuffle past you. “Move over, I gotta piss.”

You were rooted to the spot, though, your brain floundering to gain control of your muscles. “Uhm…”

“What’s wrong?” Javier slowly perked up through his sleepy haze at the realization that you looked downright terrified. He put his hand on your bicep and squeezed slightly. “Is Ellie okay?”

“What? No, yeah, Ellie’s fine. She’s with Amelia.” You spluttered, cringing at your inability to function.

“Then why do you look like you’ve seen a ghost?” Javi pressed. There really wasn’t any hiding things from him. Ellie must get that sharp eye of hers from her father. “What are you holding behind your back?”

You tried to swallow down the thickness that enveloped your throat to form some sort of words, literally anything to convey to him what the hell was going on, but your body was seized with fear. So you held out the tests wordlessly. His eyebrows furrowed as he took the bundle of tests from your hand, staring at them with a split second’s confusion before it dawned on him. “This…? You…?”

“Yeah.” You whispered. The worry in your voice must’ve been obvious because Javier was on you in a second flat, his arms crowding you into his chest with a crushing strength.

“You’re pregnant?” Javier croaked into your neck and the dam of emotion in your chest crumbled. His voice was full of excited disbelief, and relief crashed over you.

“Yeah, I am.” You said with a tearful chuckle, winding your arms around him to burrow yourself even further into his chest. “I know we never really talked about having another kid but… is this something you want, Javi?”

“Fuck, this is ironic.” Javier laughed quietly and when you looked up at him, he avoided your eyes with an almost bashful look. “I was gonna ask you today if you ever thought about it. Do you have any idea how many times I went over it in my head?”

You couldn’t help it - you cracked up laughing. The whole thing was almost ridiculous - the both of you worrying despite wanting the exact same thing. Tears of relief and laughter soaked into his t-shirt as you both broke into chaotic laughter, fingers clutching at each other’s shirts as you tried to catch your breath.

“So, uh… are we doing this?” Javier sounded nervous, his hands rubbing up and down your back as if to reassure himself. “You really wanna have a baby with me? Again?”

“Yeah.” Your voice was choked with a tense mix of emotions, so you cleared your throat and tried again. “Yeah, I do.”

“I can’t… fuck, I can’t believe you - you’d… thank you.” He babbled, nearly unintelligible in his scramble to convey how fucking grateful he was, but you knew. It wasn’t the first time you had heard the desperate need to spit words he couldn’t really find, the words that matched the swell of emotions in his chest that still wasn’t used to voicing. “Fuck, Ellie’s gonna be such a good big sister.”

That choked you up more than you expected. She really would be, you knew that for a fact, but it was a dream you had boxed up and shoved on a shelf with all your other unrealistic dreams for your future. Never in your life did you let yourself really think you could have the whole package deal - the loving (albeit gruff) husband, the big house, the sound of little feet chasing each other through the halls…

“Wait, how long have you been…? Or do we have to see a doctor first? Oh shit, we have to find a doctor for you, what the fuck are they called..? A fucking... obstetrician!” Javi rambled in a mix of nerves and excitement, breaking from your embrace to pace the length of the bathroom. “How are you feeling? Are you okay? Is there anything I can do to help, because -”

“Javi, breathe!” You calmed him with both hands out to stop his walking and braced your hands on his shoulders to rub at him firmly. “We have plenty of time, okay? Let me go make some coffee for you and we can sit down and make a plan. First, didn’t you have to go to the bathroom?”

“Oh… yeah.”

----------

Javier couldn’t stop bouncing his knee. It was a subconscious thing, something he stopped the moment he realized but soon found it moving of its own volition all over again. He really was trying not to let his nerves show even though he knew that you could tell. It was all so new to him, which wouldn’t be a problem if the reminder didn’t gut him every goddamn time. He couldn’t imagine how alone you must have felt the first time around when you were pregnant with Elianna, especially in these cold, sterile doctors offices.

His grip tightened on your hand. The feeling of your fingertips pressed against the top of his hand kept him grounded, helped him remind himself that there was no going back and changing everything else that happened. All he could do was be there this time around, be the best version of himself that he could be for you and his kid - well, kids now. Plural. The excitement was almost enough to drown away the guilt. Javi really could barely believe that he was getting the privilege of experiencing this with you.

“I’ve seen files on drug lords shorter than all that.” Javier nodded at the pile of forms and paperwork you held in your lap and you laughed brightly. He preened a little at the sound. It was something he could never get enough of, that laugh of yours. “I love you.”

You looked up at him, the pen in your hand stopping its constant scratching for the first time in forever, and gave him a lopsided smile. “I love you, too.”

There was no way he wasn’t going to kiss you after that adorable little display. Your cheek felt soft against his palm and the little sigh of relief you huffed against him was addictive. Just knowing that he was an anchor for you made Javier feel so incredibly loved and important and all he wanted to do was imbue you with that same sense of security. He held you close, his hand slipping back to the back of your neck to keep you right where he wanted you, and gave you those soft little kisses that never failed to make you melt.

“Mrs. Peña?” A nurse called out and he had no choice but to let you go with one last peck against your lips. He followed you and the nurse into the exam room, nerves and excitement soaring even higher in his chest.

It was kind of fascinating, watching you answer the nurse’s barrage of questions. Questions about your medical history, how many pregnancies you’ve had, all about your menstrual cycle. The two of you went back and forth for at least fifteen minutes, tossing questions and answers back and forth like a tennis match. The nurse left with the promise of the doctor being in momentarily for an ultrasound.

“Come hold my hand?” You asked, and how could he deny such a sweet request?

“Of course,” He pulled a chair from across the room and settled himself next to the exam table, both of his hands wrapping around one of yours as he brought it up to his lips to kiss your knuckles. “So what happens now?”

“The doctor will give me an ultrasound. She’ll probably want to run some blood tests, too.” You sighed, obviously uncomfortable at the thought of needles.

“I’ll hold your hand then, too.” Javier promised.

“It’ll be good practice for you, ‘cause once I’m in labor I’ll probably break your hand.” You teased and yeah, broken fingers didn’t sound all that great but fuck, he was more than ready to let you do just that. Javier wanted to be your rock, wanted to support you through it all - especially since he couldn’t the first time.

Two quick knocks sounded against the door made Javier straighten up hastily. The doctor came in with a smile and a large machine wheeling in behind her. “Good morning, mom and dad! How’re we feeling?”

“All good here, Dr. Hall. A little nauseous, but still… good.” You gave Javier’s hand a little squeeze before letting go to unbutton your jeans and fold the waistband down, followed by pulling the hem of your shirt up. It was hard to believe that the beginning of an entire new life was right there between your hips.

“Good to hear!” Dr. Hall fiddled with the ultrasound machine for a moment before turning to you. “So today we’re going to take a look and find out how far along you are, make sure mom and baby both look healthy, okay?”

“Okay,” You and Javier said in unison, and he took your hand again, needing to feel you there with him.

The gel must’ve been cold based on the way you hissed slightly. Javier watched the screen as Dr. Hall trailed the wand over your belly, lips parting at the sight of the black and white image. It was hard to make out what exactly he was seeing at first, but the image shifted slightly and he could make out the tiniest, vague shape of the newest edition to his little family.

“It looks like you’re about ten weeks along.” Dr. Hall murmured without taking her eyes off of the screen. “Baby is about the size of a plum.”

Javier squeezed your hand lightly, the both of you sparing a glance at each other before staring back at the screen in wonder. The doctor pointed out the baby’s head and a little foot as she took her measurements, reassuring you both that everything looked perfect. He gave a rushed “yes, absolutely” when she asked if he wanted the ultrasound photos - there was a spot in his wallet that he had in mind for it already.

It wasn’t as if he hadn’t been in situations that left him shocked before. This was Javier Peña, after all. Life and career experiences had given him plenty of moments where his mind was completely washed blank with surprise, but never had it been such a good thing. There were so many times that the shock was accompanied by grief or anger, but excitement? Gratefulness? That was new to him, left him reeling the entire drive home, all throughout dinner. Something in the back of his mind nagged at him that he couldn’t be like this when Ellie got home the next day. She was smarter than he could’ve imagined any kid being at three years old and even though he agreed with your assertion that no one should know about your pregnancy for a few more weeks at least, Javier was certain his daughter would be able to needle it out of him.

Those expert interrogation skills must be hereditary.

It wasn’t until he was getting ready for bed that it really hit him how real it was, that you really were sitting in the bed you shared with him, pregnant with his baby and making plans for the usual Sunday brunch and park visit you all did every week. As he set his wallet on the nightstand, he couldn’t help but pull out the little ultrasound picture. He had a feeling he would be doing that a lot, especially when the new cadets were driving him crazy at work. It all swelled up in his chest, the appreciation and excitement and disbelief, because holy shit, how did he get so lucky? One finger traced the little image in his hand, and he couldn’t help but blurt out, “Thank you.”

The confused look you gave him made him flounder for the words.

“I just… I know everything was fucked up the first time around but I swear, it’s going to be different this time. I am not going anywhere.” Javier slid closer at the sight of the tears in your eyes, easily welcoming your arms around his neck as you practically drug yourself into his lap. He held you close to his chest, trying to instill the certainty and promise of it all. “God, fuck, and I thought I couldn’t get enough of you before…”

“Javi…” You croaked, laughing wetly into his neck.

“I’m serious! You’re gonna have to tell me to fuck off when you want space because I can’t keep my hands off you.” Javi teased, relief washing over him at your seeming acceptance of his promises. “And now like this, growing my baby… fuck, I am in this with you. Me and you and Ellie… and our little plum.”

That night, Javier fell asleep with his head on your shoulder, his face buried in your neck, and his hand tucked into the waistband of your sweatpants to cradle that precious space that held his newest child.

----------

Ellie couldn’t stop touting her new title to anyone who would listen.

“I’m a big sister!” She told the cashier at the grocery store, the other kids at the park and their moms for good measure, and even the mailman when they came by each morning. The brightness in her eyes when she said it made your heart flip in your chest. You had expected some sort of confusion or even for her to be upset at the idea of a new sibling, but she launched right into a story about how her friend from playgroup has a baby sister, and you knew that she would be just fine.

With your sixteenth week rapidly approaching, you couldn’t be more grateful that Ellie was excited for the new addition to the family. It was one less thing for you to worry about amidst the chaos of bringing a new person into the world. The fatigue was something you definitely didn’t miss about pregnancy - it washed over you without warning, left you nodding off wherever you sat. Thank god Javier was such a hands on father. He had no problem herding Ellie off into the backyard or off for a walk to let you get some much needed rest.

You hadn’t expected him to be such a hands on husband, though. Sure, you knew he was excited and you knew he already loved everything about your body, but he really wasn’t lying when he said pregnancy made him want you even more. Every night, Javi’s hands gravitated to your body to ease the kinks out of your muscles, to rub your feet until the aches went away, to cheekily offer you an orgasm if you were up for one. It made you feel cherished, something you sorely missed the first time you were pregnant.

“Thank you, Javi,” You groaned lowly as those strong hands of his worked at your lower back. He easily hitched your thigh up slightly to ease some of the pressure on the new swell to your belly. There was a slur in your voice when you said, “Feels so good.”

Javier chuckled behind you, moving on to rub your feet. “Be quiet, you don’t want to wake Ellie.”

“Did you ever see this being our life?” You murmured though your voice was muffled by the pillows you buried your head in. “Telling each other not to wake the kids, making bacon smiley faces for a toddler’s breakfast?”

“I didn’t think I’d actually get it, but I wished for it. Dreamt about how pretty you’d look all full of me.” Javi placed a teasing kiss to the inside of your thigh. “The real thing is so much better.”

You could only groan under his praise. His thumbs dug into the arch of your foot and rubbed in methodical circles, drawing another pleased groan from you that you muffled in your pillow. The pain slowly melted from your tired muscles under his thorough ministrations, leaving a pleasant warmth in his wake that made you all pliant and drowsy beneath him.

“How are you feeling, sweetheart?” Javi asked as he rubbed his hands up your calves and you smiled. You knew exactly what he was gunning for.

You eased yourself onto your back and reached out for him with both arms, bringing him forward with grabby hands that he could never refuse. Javier settled between your thighs, a knowing smirk on his face, and leaned down to kiss you deeply. “‘M feeling good, Javi.”

“You know I love making my girl feel good,” Javi murmured as he kissed down your neck, one hand trailing back and forth over your hip and thigh lovingly. “Can I make you feel even better?”

“Please?” You asked breathily and your husband was more than happy to oblige. The loose tank top you wore was the first to go, followed quickly by your shorts and underwear.

Javier set about lavishing your neck and chest with affection, his touch more gentle than usual on your oversensitive breasts, and once again you were struck by the surrealness of it all. The fact that this had begun in Colombia all those years ago as two coworkers using sex for stress relief and had blossomed into this beautiful life you shared together was a thing of dreams. But there you were, with Javier Peña making love to you, quietly as to not wake your daughter and gently as to keep you and your baby safe and happy, and you could barely believe it.

“I love you,” You choked out through the tears that sprung into your eyes and Javi sat up to look at you with a concerned expression.

“What? What’s wrong?” He asked, his eyes roaming all over to find the apparent source of your tears.

“Nothing’s wrong.” You tried to pull him back down to you but he didn’t budge, the concern unwavering.

“Then why are you crying?” Javier brushed a thumb under your eyes to wipe away the evidence of your strong burst of emotion.

“Because I love you,” You chuckled as you held his hand close to your cheek and pressed a kiss to the middle of his palm. “And I’m pregnant, so everything is a thousand times more intense and you don’t get to tease me for that.”

“I would never,” Javi muttered but the mischievous grin on his face betrayed him. “Let me make you feel better, baby,”

“I’m already better, Javi - oh,”

----------

Two o’clock in the morning was not an ideal time to wake up, especially since Javier knew that Ellie would be awake and full of energy by seven, but something felt off. Even in his unconscious state, he could feel the absence of you in bed and his mind nagged at him to get up and find you. The hardwood was cold beneath his feet as he wandered from the bedroom, finding the bathroom empty before he made his way down the stairs. You often would rest on the recliner in the living room when your back was bothering you particularly bad, especially since your center of gravity had so drastically changed the further along you got in your pregnancy - but you weren’t there either.

Before Javi could start really worrying, he heard the refrigerator open and found you peering into the illuminated fridge in search of… something. A pint of ice cream was already in your hand, a spoonful of it hanging from your lips as you browsed with a frustrated look on your face, and honestly… Javi loved how you looked. It was so domestic and sweet, the sight of you in your pajamas that barely covered your belly as you raided the kitchen.

Thirty-six weeks and four days. He could barely believe how much time had passed since he saw those positive tests. It felt like forever and the blink of an eye at the same time, and he was beyond excited to meet his newest little one.

“What are you looking for, sweetheart?” Javi asked after a moment of watching you helplessly search around.

The sheepish smile you gave him made his heart swell in his chest and he automatically opened his arms as you shuffled over to bury your face in his chest. “Your kid is driving me crazy with the cravings.”

Javier hugged you tightly, relishing in the way you relaxed against him. “Well, if they’re anything like me, they probably want those barbecue chips, then.”

It didn’t take long for him to get you herded back up to bed with the chips in hand and the sight of you sleepily munching away while burrowed in the blankets eased an almost innate need Javier had to see you safe and happy, all nice and taken care of in his bed. He climbed into bed once he was sure you didn’t need anything else, settling on his side with his head propped up against his hand to watch you despite his own sleepiness.

“Let your mama sleep, troublemaker.” He murmured to your belly as he rubbed gentle circles over the spots he could feel the nudges of his little one retaliating to their father’s stern words. “Need some lotion?”

“Hmmm, please?” You hummed.

Rubbing lotion into your skin was something Javi had taken a particular liking to. The first time he had seen you doing it yourself, he was quick to take over. That was the first time he felt his little one kick at his hands and he fell even more in love - something he hadn’t thought was possible. It was a good way to feel closer to you both, to his wife and the baby you were bringing into the world, and the way you dozed slightly as he helped you relax made him feel needed, like he was doing right by you. That’s all he ever wanted to do.

A nudge to the edge of his hand made Javier glance back down to where his hands were running all over your belly, but it was the sight of the baby rolling that made him do a double take. “Holy shit,” He whispered, hands frozen as he saw what had to be the imprint of a little foot or hand poke out before disappearing. “There really is a whole person in there.”

“You’re tellin’ me,” You grumbled, grimacing slightly at the feeling. “It’s aerobics hour, apparently.”

“That’s fucking crazy.” Javi tentatively resumed massaging the lotion into your skin. It was hard to fathom, the idea that your body was so capable of creating and nurturing a brand new life, and for the millionth time he found himself thanking the universe for letting him have this second chance.

----------

Gabriel Peña came early, quick, and with a sharp cry you were sure could be heard throughout the entire hospital. His little nose was scrunched up, his face all red from his wailing, hands curled into angry fists over his sudden eviction from the warmth and darkness he was accustomed to. It was a short labor, so very different from your first with Ellie for so many reasons but the biggest being the strong presence of Javier at your side. The moment the contractions began at the crisp hour of six a.m., he was alert and full of nervous excitement.

True to his word, Javier let you clutch onto him through it all - every contraction, every push, every angered grumble you threw his way for getting you pregnant in the first place. That sharp mind of his kept up under the pressure. He spoonfed you ice chips and let you use him for support as you rocked your way through particularly bad contractions.

There were tears in Javier’s eyes as he carefully set his hand on his son’s head, carefully musing the shock of dark, wispy hair on his head. You leaned your head against Javi’s shoulder, exhaustion, relief, and happiness warring with each other after hours of labor. You felt his lips press against your temple before he sniffled and whispered, “Thank you.”

Javier stayed by Gabriel’s side the entire time the doctors checked him over and cleaned him up, per your instructions, and he was the one to return your son to your arms. It was the most careful you had ever seen him, his movements slow and deliberate, eyes on the baby’s adorable, chubby face.

“Seven pounds, nine ounces,” Javi murmured as he drug a chair as close to your bedside as possible and settled in, his hand resting on your thigh. A disgruntled whine came from the baby wriggling in your arms and you smiled, knowing he was hungry and could probably smell the milk your body had been preparing to make for his arrival. You pulled the gown down to expose your breast, propping your arm with a pillow to better support him, and adjusted his latch to settle in.

“Nice latch, mama,” One of the nurses said as she finished settling the blankets around your feet.

“Not my first time at this rodeo.” You chuckled quietly. It had been a while since Ellie weaned but you still remembered the struggle of figuring out how to get a newborn to latch properly when you had no idea what you were doing. You set your hand over Javi’s, smiling at him when he blinked sleepily up at you. Neither of you had gotten much rest before Gabriel decided to make his appearance into the world. “Can you hand me some water, honey?”

“Of course,” Javi perked up with the small task you gave him. There wasn’t much he could do at this point, but you wanted him to feel involved, to feel like he was helping you, and even though his mere presence helped you relax, you knew he was an ‘action’ kind of man. He needed something to do to feel useful. He held the straw steady for you and everything, your sweet husband. “How’re you feeling?”

“Tired.” You answered honestly, leaning into his hand when he brushed stray hairs from your face.

“I know this wasn’t easy. I’m proud of you.” It was a simple statement but it hit you right in your chest. As excited as you were to have another baby, it was hard. Exhausting. He could see it all, how tired you were and how hard you were working just to carry on like normal through your pregnancy, and while he did everything he could to ease some of that burden, the plain acknowledgement of how hard you worked felt good.

“I love you so much.” You whispered, pulling his hand close to kiss his palm.

“I love you, too.” Javier leaned over the side of the bed and kissed you softly, careful not to jostle his son where he sleepily nursed against you. “How are our kids so damn cute?”

You huffed a laugh, which made Gabriel shift against you before settling back down, sighing suspiciously similar to his father. “It helps that their dad is incredibly good looking.”

“True,” Javi said, trying for that cocky tone you loved but you didn’t miss the pink tinge to the tips of his ears. Compliments always got him like that, all red-faced and adorable - though he would never admit it.

A short nap later and you had one very excited Ellie fidgeting in the chair next to your bed, impatiently waiting to meet her baby brother. Javier stood behind her, quietly reminding her to be careful as you helped keep the squirming newborn steady in her lap. Your heart damn near exploded when she began cooing at her brother and very gently touching his soft cheeks. She was enamored by him, asking so many questions that you and her father could barely keep up.

“Can we share my bed?” “No, he can’t sleep in your bed, baby. He has to sleep in a special bed in mommy and daddy’s room.”

“Does he get a special seat like me?” “Yep! Daddy’s putting his carseat in next to yours right now. You’ll get to talk to him the whole way home.”

“Is he gonna cry a lot?” “Yeah, he will. That’s how babies let people know they need something since they don’t have words like we do.”

“Can I share my crackers with him?” “Not yet! Right now, he only drinks milk.” “Milk? Like for cereal?” “Kind of, but it comes from your mommy.” “What?!” “You ate the same thing when you were a little baby, too.” “What?!”

The entire drive home was full of little Ellie chatting away at her baby brother, mostly about the stuffed animals she had at home that she promised to show him the moment they got home. There was a small smile on Javier’s face as he drove, his hand curled around yours on the center console. He practically radiated contentment and damn did it look good on him.

----------

For what felt like the millionth time, you woke before the sun had a chance to rise. Though this time, it was to the feeling of a full bladder rather than the sound of a hungry baby, so that could be counted as a small win at the very least. You tried to ignore the ache in your healing body as you stumbled your way to and from the bathroom, near silent in your movements even though you were half asleep. It was a well practiced dance, getting out and back into bed without waking your sleeping children.

But something was off. The sheets were cooler than usual, missing the fire-like heat that Javier radiated constantly. You sat up, blinking against the drowsiness and darkness to see your husband passed out on the rocking chair in the corner of the room with Gabriel curled up on his bare chest. Skin-to-skin contact was something Javier couldn��t get enough of. He told you how close it made him feel to his son and you couldn’t complain. It was a precious sight. Avoiding the creaky floorboards, you carefully covered Gabriel with a soft baby blanket and smoothed it down his back.

“S’wrong?” Javier mumbled, words slurred with sleep, his eyes barely cracking open. On instinct, his hands shifted over the little baby asleep on him to hold him closer, even more secure.

“Shh, nothing’s wrong.” You soothed as you gently tucked his curls back away from his forehead. “Go back to sleep.”

“M’kay.” And with that his eyes were closed, back to dozing like he was never interrupted in the first place. You were glad. Tomorrow was an early morning, and paired with all of the midnight feedings and diaper changes, you all could use some rest. So you laid back down, sleep dragging you back under swiftly.

Javier was practically bouncing with nerves just hours later, even though he was trying not to show it. It brought you back to that first appointment when you were pregnant, only this time he held a sleeping one-month old who he was trying not to wake up with his nervousness.

“I just want it to go well.” He grumbled when you asked if he was okay.

“It will.” You reassured him, rubbing circles into his knee. “They’re both perfectly healthy, the pediatrician will tell you that, too.”

You were right - then again, when weren’t you? Gabe was a healthy nine and a half pounds, strong heart and lungs, and good reflexes. Javier was hooked on the pediatrician’s every word, nodding along and giving you a relieved smile with each positive statement. And of course, Ellie’s rambunctiousness had the pediatrician and nurses completely captivated as she told them all about her preschool and the antics she got up to while they checked her over.

The pride on Javier’s face with every positive comment and reassurance that both of his kids were on track developmentally made your heart flip. You felt so beyond lucky to have this little family of yours, with two beautiful children and the man you always loved. It felt too good to be true sometimes, especially when Javi pulled you close for a tight hug and a kiss to the side of your head before he worked to get one wiggly Gabe back into his onesie.

One impromptu trip to the park later and you and Javier had two very tired kids on your hands. Ellie was already passed out by the time Javier pulled into the driveway but Gabe was quickly venturing into ‘overtired’ territory. He was grumpy, wriggling around in your arms like he couldn’t get comfortable, all the while giving little whines and grunts that threatened to turn into full on wailing. He didn’t want milk, he didn’t need a diaper change, he just wanted to sleep but was too frustrated to let a nap take him.

“Give ‘em here.” Javier offered and you freely handed him over. The postpartum fatigue was no joke, and even though it was lessening with each passing day, you were damn tired so you had no issue with letting your husband put the baby down for a nap. You curled up on the couch, not quite going to sleep but still letting your mind and body rest as you listened to Javi try to negotiate with Gabriel as if he were some sicario and not just a particularly stubborn baby.

“C’mon, little man. Just go to sleep. All of your problems if you went to sleep right now? Solved. Completely solved. Instead of crying you could just… go to sleep.” Javier whispered over the cooing and grunting of his son. “Oh, don’t give me that face, mister.”

You snorted a laugh - you knew exactly what face Gabe was pulling. His nose and eyebrows would scrunch up, lips pursed as he huffed angry breaths like a little baby bull. It was an exaggerated copy of the face Javier pulled anytime he was frustrated, which you found ridiculously adorable. Slowly, the grumpy grunts became more and more quiet until they disappeared completely, and a few moments later, Javier flopped down on the couch next to you with a sigh.

“Got him down.” Javi said as he pressed close to you, burying himself between the back of the couch and your body to press his face into your neck. A blanket of drowsiness must have settled over the entire house as both kids napped peacefully in their beds and you cuddled up to your husband in the living room. The both of you would doze until the sound of little feet on the hardwood or the sounds of a hungry baby woke you, and then it would be back on the grind of parenthood, but you knew… with Javier by your side, you could do it.

{Taglist}

@iamburdened @everyhowlmarksthedead @jenrebloggingfics @xserenax-13 @silverstarsandsuns @luminescentlily @peterpstuff @leonieb @lazybeeches @withasideofmeg @freeshavocadoooo @chattychell @ew-erin @i-ship-it-ironically @artsymaddie @mrsparknuts @wyn-dixie @notabotiswear @lunaserenade @jitterbugs927 @theorganasolo @the-witty-pen-name @northernpunk @lemonlime09 @la-lunaluna @andruxx @greeneyedblondie44 @bloodsuckingbastards @coldlilheart @gracie7209 @green-socks @paintballkid711 @lord-of-restingbiface @asta-lily @xgoldenjenny @mummifymecaptain @cjbtw @a-skov @himbotroy @xjsteph @marvelousmermaid @over300books @castleamc @darnitdraco @janebby @cannedsoupsucks @itssmashedavo @mtjoi @triggerhappyflygirl 

[heli0s-writes]

lights up*

A/N: Stucky (primarily Steve)/Reader. 2k words of idkwhatthisisi’msorry. There was a prompt from six months ago that I wrote this for but I lost the message and I can’t remember! All mistakes are my own, please stop reading if you are not 18+

brooklyn after dark masterlist

You wake up in scattered shock.

Knee-jerk reaction to fast hands sliding between your thighs, fingers carelessly ticking sensitive skin.

You wake up to a groggy voice, slurred with sleep and raspy-raw.

“Baby,” it croaks from between your legs, “Honey, sweetheart, sugar. Please, please, please let me eat your pussy.”

Wha—

A few disbelieving blinks as you scrabble for your bearings—can’t see shit—still dark—head throbbing.

“Oh god, I wanna sosososo bad,” and then hands are between your knees, spreading your legs apart. “So… damn... tasty. Uh-huh… Come to daddy.”

Who the fuck is—damn it, Bucky.

In the dead hour of four-something when nothing should be moving so intentionally, an unsteady moan tumbles out of him when he starts groping for your ass.

“Buck!” You whisper, kicking your leg to shake him off. Grabbing the covers with one hand, you reach under with the other, swatting his head and trying to get a firm hold on him. Slippery fucking man.

He pauses for a second before his body goes limp, half hanging off the foot of the bed and you groan at his weight. Idiot boy. Two hundred pounds of horny somnambulist dropping like an anchor on your poor legs.

Fiddling now with how to get him back up to his regular spot, you try to do it quietly, the warmth radiating next to your left shoulder a compelling incentive. Even with your wits barely about you, you know better than to wake—

“Whassit? Whas goin’ on?”

Steve. Ah.

“Nothing,” you sigh, reaching over and stroking his arm absently, one foot tapping against Bucky’s waist to urge him upward. “He’s just sleep-talking again.”

Steve makes a groggy noise of comprehension. “Sleep-talking or sleep-fucking?”

“Just sleeping now. Ugh… didn’t mean to wake you.”

He’d come in late again—meetings and paperwork keeping him well after hours. Not even able to do it from home, which would have been nice. At least here you could make sure he was eating, or drinking enough water, or at least be in the presence of good company.

Instead, you and Buck watched a movie, took a few rounds of shots (because he likes the taste and how you look dancing all over the coffee table), fooled around in the kitchen, and turned in around two—Steve nowhere in sight. Some jobs were Captain-Only, which meant you’d have to make peace with being useless.

That’s generally not a task that goes over well. The amount of untamed energy Bucky exudes without Steve’s guidance is… close to being categorized as a natural disaster and trying to stay up with him is always a double-edged sword. Lots of fun, sure, but he requires less sleep than you do and can finagle you into getting piss drunk with a single smirk.  

“Wish you’d been more responsible.” Bone-tired and Steve’s still bossy. His arm is heavy as it snakes over your tummy. “You know he needs direction.”

“Hey, I tried.”

“Issat right? That why your panties’re on the counter? Shirt in the sink, too. Come home close to four and still gotta clean up after the two of you.”

His raspy breath tickles, plump lips crushed just below your ear—enough to start a chain reaction of shudders.

“Go back to sleep,” you huff, embarrassed. It was only a few hours ago so your head’s still a bit fuzzy—vague memory of playful touches before hearing, hop up, baby, from Bucky. And you, tittering and zealous the whole way, kissing him like he’d never been kissed before.

YouTube blinking on the T.V., stuck on some ad because the streaming’s a snail’s pace from when Steve set up the internet and tried to pinch pennies at the same time. Bucky’s specially crafted “Wine, Dine, and Sixty-Nine” playlist refusing to load even half a song afterwards so neither of you could spare your neighbors from hearing all the noises.

Hopefully the laughter was loudest, and not the primal fucking, or the crashing when you slipped off the counter and knocked Bucky on his ass.  

You giggle at that. Years and years together and some nights still feel brand new.

“Have fun without me?”

There’s no real jealousy in Steve’s voice, but there is greed behind the question. A single night away and he acts like he’s never been kissed either.

Your eyes start fluttering when his fingers curl around your hipbone. Je-sus. Hell. It’s too late—early—for this.

You grumble his name, asking him to save it for a couple more hours when your brain doesn’t feel pried free, but, Captain-Only mode activated and he’s not deterred. A bloodhound on a fresh trail.

The hand on your hip turns inward and you’re suddenly aware of him pressed against your body, that hot line of him, pulsing on your upper thigh. He tilts forward, one knee rubbing up your leg. Bucky stirs a little and makes another declaration about how he’s fit for the CEO position of Eating Your Ass, but nothing more after that.

“He do you good?” Steve wonders, apparently not giving a fuck about whether Bucky’s dead or alive down there and instead only worried about repositioning you, rolling you on your side, “That why you’re so happy to get me out of the house? So you two can fool around unchecked as much as you want?”

“Steve, you know damn well—"

His hand slips around the side of your neck, four thick fingers drumming over the ridges of your throat. “Watch your mouth,” he whispers, “before you get yourself into any more trouble.”

He gets mean without enough sleep. And no one would ever guess, but other than working over some poor punching bag that’ll never see the light of day after he gets his hands on it, Captain America likes to fuck it out. You and Buck have properly come out of a few sessions barely alive, feeling like two ends of a slinky that’s taken one too many tumbles down a flight of stairs.

You squirm as he palms your bottom with his free hand, kneading the bare flesh a flimsy pair of sleeping shorts can’t cover.

“Gotta be quiet,” he tells you gently, “Can’t wake him, can we.” Christ help you. What a time to play a game. You mumble under your breath, “Do I have a choice?”

A prod at your already sore entrance, and Steve says, annoyingly convinced, “I think you’ve already made your choice.”

He stills for a second when Bucky flops around on the mattress and then he starts pressing his mouth to your back, your shoulder, other hand holding you steady with expertise. It’s Steve’s favorite position when he wants to be in charge—you, writhing and turned away, usually leaned about 50 degrees and pawing at Bucky’s chest—this morning, feebly snatching sheets instead.

It doesn’t take any buildup. He’s achingly ready; you’re willingly wet. Clothes moved just enough out of the way and his two fingers slide upward, pushing barely to spread you before he quickly replaces it with something much thicker. It’s only been a few seconds. He’s too fast for you to get a word in edgewise, your brain still muddled, body cooperative.

“Huh,” Steve mumbles, slowly feeling his way into position, “A bit fucked loose, aren’t you?”

“Steve,” you hiss in reply, clenching up reflexively the same time mortification bursts across your scrunched- up face. “Don’t say that.”

“Hush, baby.”

“I’m trying—”

“Try harder.” And he’s evil incarnate, you swear. Satan himself packaged up in the neat body of a demigod. He rolls his hips slowly until the tops of his thighs are pressed against your ass, fingers holding so tight you think he’s going to spear right into bone. “Stay still or you’re gonna knee Buck in the cheek.”

You twist your head around, instead, shaking your chin free from his hand, hoping that once he sees your pitiful expression, he’ll find it in his heart to maybe not pound you into oblivion with bells on.

Of course, Steve’s not looking anywhere but down the line of your back and further to where he’s opening you up, bottom lip tucked into his teeth.

You constantly rib him about how he’s making up for all the years he spent with the two working eyes of a mole so now he’ll break his neck to watch. Bucky’s confirmed it multiple times to Steve’s chagrin, cackling at the way Steve goes purple defending himself. You love the stories they tell and retell; you try to spend most your time making up for all those years you weren’t there to find out.

Who isn’t in this relationship? Violently horny like teenagers, the three of you, spending every idle hour mishandling for each other like it’s the first time. Excitement primeval like animals in heat, apparently instinctual enough for one of you to do it in his sleep. Years and years and it still feels brand new.

The bed’s rocking surprisingly moderately for Steve’s usual pace, and it’s a bit heartwarming to know that he’s doing it because he really doesn’t want to wake Bucky, but he ramps up his game. He starts whispering again, meaner, hotter, the damn mouth on Steve Rogers continuing to give you hell this early morning.

He pinches your nipple hard, letting you gasp at the brief sting before he goes back up to your chin, your mouth, and then he puts the entire hand over it.

“Quiet. Not another fucking word out of you. Gotta teach you how to behave this morning, don’t I?” He’s working himself up, working you over, even pulling you back on him by the hips and then wiggling you up and down on him like he’s adjusting you on a saddle. Motherfucker.

Your toes curl, knees grinding, legs folding up to get simultaneously closer and away from him and it feels—it feels so excruciatingly good—the effortless glide of his cock, the burn of friction dragging itself out the more you wriggle. Whatever indelicate sounds falling out of your mouth are getting mashed back in, Steve ramming himself into your body, shaking your brain further loose.

He’s probably louder than he intends to be—you know how he gets when he’s close— bombs could be dropping two feet away and Steve Rogers would hear nothing but the roar of his own wanting, chasing it until he crashes into bits. You’re chasing too, both hands clamped around his wrist, arching your back to near breaking.

“Yeah,” he rasps out, “That’s it, that’s good, baby. Ugnn—back up on me, stay—right there.”

More uneven jerking, he releases your face and starts rubbing your clit, saying, you like it like this? Like me givin’ it to you good like this? And you’re shaking in his arms, the both of you tipping over the edge.

-

“I wasn’t serious,” Steve says later after a few moments, lips all soft and gentle on your neck, rather than fierce like before, “Bout you bein’—” you can feel him shrugging, “Y’know… fucked loose.” He whispers the last part like it’s a sin.

You snort, “You turning decent on me? After railing me to death?”

“You sound pretty lively to me.” He pokes your side, “I just… woke up and remembered how much I missed you last night.”

“I’m not going anywhere. You’ve got both of us here—shit!”

“Steeeeeve,” and the sound of it slaps both you back to reality. Sleep-smashed, more tipsy than any alcohol could make him, Bucky’s giggles break the steady pattern of muffled conversation. His vibranium hand pats around for a new destination, undeterred by the disruption of his previous mission.

You can’t believe it. He’s still asleep.

“Steeeevie,” Bucky mewls again, “Lemme— lemme suck your dick, sweetheart.”

What a menace. Your shoulders start quivering as you poorly hold it back, pfffftppblffpt’s kickstarting Steve into a tizzy right alongside you.

Bursting laughter finally wakes him up. Bucky yelps once, twice, flailing like a cat caught unawares and rolls himself right off the goddamn bed.

Two hundred pounds of newly conscious pervert wallops the hardwood floor and you’re sure the entire apartment complex—if they didn’t hear the ruckus last night—certainly heard it this morning.

[sweetkingdomstarlight-blog]

they were roommates

Warnings - non consensual sex, anal sex, somnophilia, forced drug use

Pairings - Bucky Barnes x Reader

Words - over 2k

A/N - READ THE WARNINGS - I can’t stress this enough. Also if you are under 18 just shoo, bugger off. I wrote this from a prompt on @darkficsyouneveraskedfor​ stalker writing challenge, the prompt was your roommate isn’t who you thought they were. I’m still super new to writing and this is new territory for me, as always a huge massive thankyou to my beautiful wife @buckyownsmylife​ she helped me a lot and continues to hype me up.

It’s been six weeks since your friend got a new job upstate and moved out,. You’ve had an advert out for a new roommate but so far everyone who’s applied has either been rude or hasn’t shown up. You’re running low on your savings and would probably accept Satan himself if he could pay his fair share. That’s when your latest applicant knocked on your door.

James was polite and charming, he offered to pay a month up front to secure the room and could move in as soon as possible. You felt like a weight was lifted off your shoulders when he moved in later that week, it was a bit odd that he had no friends to help him but he didn’t seem to have a lot of stuff and had himself sorted while you worked in your home office.

The first night he offered to buy pizza and beers so you could get to know each other better, it turns out you two had a lot of things in common and he was easy to get along with. You must have had a few too many beers because your head felt fuzzy, deciding it was time to go to bed. You said goodnight to James and stood up but felt so dizzy you had to immediately sit back down. James was so sweet though, looking after you, he actually picked you up and put you to bed so you didn't have to walk the short distance to your room.

Waking up the next morning you realised you were wearing a t-shirt you didn’t recognise but you didn’t remember getting changed, your mouth felt strangely dry so you got up for a drink. That’s when the soreness hit you, in between your legs, rushing to the bathroom you were confused that you weren’t getting your period and nothing seemed to be different. You assumed you were getting sick and went for hot tea to soothe yourself.

Sitting at the kitchen counter drinking and nibbling on some dry toast, James walks in looking like he’s just been for a run. He grabs a bottle of water and walks over to you giggling “you can’t possibly be hungover you only had three drinks last night” you look up at him smirking and sarcastically respond, “yeah, well, maybe I’m just a lightweight”.

As you get up to clear away your mess he clears his throat making you turn. “Should we have a system for when we have people over in the future?” You look at him confused. “I’m sorry what do you mean? Do you want to bring someone over tonight?”

He chuckles at you, “Well no, not tonight but if you want your friend from last night to come back I can make sure you have some privacy,” he offers you, smirking at the confused look on your face.

“I’m sorry, I don't understand, I went to sleep last night. I didn’t have anyone over.” Taking a step closer, he leans on the counter separating you both. “Then who did I hear you with last night and who did I kick out this morning?” You stare at him open mouthed and scurry off to your room to check your phone for some clues, you feel your chest tighten when you see that you matched with someone last night and invited him over. How could you not remember? You were absolutely mortified, what is James going to think of you now?

Sitting in your home office talking to idiot customers on the phone all day, you try to take your mind off what happened last night. How can you have invited someone over, had sex and apparently stolen his t-shirt without even knowing? You vow there and then you aren’t drinking ever again. However, the end of the week rolls by and it's been the absolute worst, your boss is a dick, your customers are all idiots and to top it off your best friend hasn’t responded to your calls all week and you don’t know why.

You have a quick shower and decide to spend the night binge watching whatever you can find on Netflix when James sits next to you handing you a gin and tonic. “Thanks but I’m not drinking for a little while.” You go to put the drink down but he pushes it up to your mouth

“Don’t be silly, you’ve had a hard week. One drink won’t hurt” smiling at him you take a sip and he’s right, you instantly relax and get cosy on the sofa, ordering chinese and laughing at the show you both decide on. Waking up in the middle of the night with a dry mouth again, you find yourself laying on your bed but this time you have your own clothes on which is a relief. Standing up, you feel a bit weird round the back like you’ve been stretched out with one of your plugs but that’s not possible, they’re hidden in your box under the bed.

You drink a big glass of water and sit on the kitchen counter, a little uncomfortably, but quietly and relax. Something has been off the last week and you can’t put your finger on it, it's always weird when you get a new roommate and you’ve put it down to that but you just sense something isn’t quite right. You lean your head back on the wall behind you and get a surprise when James walks round the corner. “Hey doll, you feeling ok? You looked a bit sickly earlier and went to bed. I didn’t want to wake you up.”

You nod at how sweet he was and drink some more water before hopping down. “I’m fine just going to sleep it off.” He takes your glass for you, offering to wash it and says goodnight, watching you walk away very closely and licking his lips as his eyes roam over your body.

It’s been a few weeks now since James moved in, he’s got to be the best roommate you’ve ever had. He pays his bills on time, keeps the place spotless and he’s such a good cook, always making food and drinks for you. It's lucky that he’s so kind because none of your friends seem to be in touch anymore, you message them and even try calling them but no one ever replies.

You sit watching your usual Friday night film with drinks and Chinese takeout, talking to James about both your weeks, tonight though he sits closer than usual and his face seems to light up when you talk to him. He’s possibly the most beautiful man you’ve ever seen in real life, you’ve never looked at him that way before because not only is he your roommate but he’s so far out of your league it's laughable. You tell one of your stupid jokes and he laughs with his whole body, his arm goes around the back of the sofa and he pulls you in close, hugging into him, you relax biting your lip when he kisses the top of your head.

That was the beginning of it for you both. You had daily movie nights, he cooked for you every day, listened when you got upset that your friends seemed to have dropped you and even encouraged you to start running with him. Everything felt perfect, you still occasionally woke up sore with a dry mouth but James told you it was just your body getting used to all the exercise you were now doing. Both of you had really found each other, loners who just needed someone to listen.

You went down to collect your mail one day and stood talking to your elderly neighbour when she told you how familiar James looked, she couldn’t work out where she knew him from but she praised you on finding such a nice young man who apparently had carried her groceries up the stairs for her when the elevator was broken. Smiling at her you told her to have a good morning and went back to your apartment looking at the thick brown envelope addressed to you, you never really got anything in the post except the occasional leaflet. James had made you a coffee and you smiled at him taking the package in your room to open while you got ready to have a shower.

In the shower you decided tonight would be the night with James, you shaved yourself from head to toe and used your best lotions. Winking at him as you walked to your room, he had a weird look on his face and couldn’t seem to look at you. In your room the envelope had been moved, it looked like it was open too. Bending down to pick it up you hear James behind you but before you can turn around you feel a pain in your neck and everything goes dark.

You wake up with a blinding headache and go to move but your body feels too heavy. “Ssshh sweetheart, don’t move, I had to tie you up for your own safety.” You look at him confused, trying to pull on your wrists but you can’t move.

“James, what’s happening?” Sitting next to you he slips some ice chips in your mouth to ease your dry throat and takes a deep breath.

“You can blame your friend, we were so happy and she had to try and take you away from me.” A tear runs down your cheek, you’ve never heard him talk like this and it’s terrifying. “I told your little friends to leave you alone or I’d take care of them all but they just didn’t listen.” He throws the envelope down and slowly shows you the newspaper clippings and articles they had sent you, apparently he was on the run and considered dangerous, something to do with what happened with the helicarriers that crashed a few months ago.

“I’m not the Winter Soldier anymore,” he says with a smirk, wiping your tears away and tutting. “Don’t be scared of me, I’m doing this for you, for us!” Pulling on the restraints on your feet and arms again he shouts, “Enough!” You stop immediately, scared of what he‘ll do if you don’t. “You were so nice to me on the phone when I first got free, you helped me hire that car that brought me to New York. I hacked into your company's database and found you. Your roommate was easy to convince with a little bit of money and I hired all those people to come and see you so when I finally got my chance you’d want me as much as I’ve wanted you”

“Why didn’t you just ask me out like a normal person?” You managed to stutter out, trying not to sound too pathetic.

“You never leave the house, you stay home all day working then sit watching TV all night, I saw you through the webcam. You really should be more careful.” He smirks before running his fingers over your naked body. Feeling how smooth and soft your skin is he smiles. “Did you do all this for me? Sweetheart, I’ve already had all of you, you don’t have to do anything special for me. I love you just the way you are”.

The realisation hits you and you sob loudly. “Have you been touching me while I sleep?” He tilts his head to the side and looks at you with so much admiration.

“You’re so smart, I’ve been preparing you to be mine. I didn’t know how long it's been since you’ve been with a real man, not those silly little toys under your bed and I wanted our first time to be special. I even set up that fake dating account so you would think you had a guy over on that first night.” He strokes your cheek and you have to bite your tongue to stop yourself from crying.

“James I’m cold, can you untie me and we can talk properly, please.” He studies your face for a brief moment before leaning forward and chuckling in your ear.

“You can’t think I’m that stupid baby, oh and you can call me Bucky now. If you’re going to be mine forever we need to get better acquainted.” He drops his sweatpants and straddles your hips. “We’re going to have so much fun”.

[achillieus]

let you down. (sebastian stan x reader)

summary: it's a universal truth but it's worth repeating; feelings eat us raw. or just an actor and a girl falling in and out of love over the course of three months.

(this was inspired by sebastian's visit to greece for his movie, monday, and is based on that, so that means in the story we’re in 2018. also i have this posted on ao3 too but while i’m writing the last parts i thought of posting it here too)

quick note: i wrote this back in 2018 after meeting sebastian in greece but i redited it now, so if you see any mistakes or typos please tell me :)

pairing: sebastian stan x reader

warnings: alcohol, sexual references, implied depression, sebastian desperately needs to hug the reader, it's kinda slowburn because i love the yearning

part: 2/6

(other parts)  (masterlist)

It’s Monday when they come back from their small trip to the south. You’re watering the jasmine in your balcony when you hear the engine of Argyris’ car slowly shut down and see two figures getting out of the back seats.

It’s him and a blonde woman. You remember meeting her that night in the terrace. You’ve learnt that she’s a great actress and will play the other main character in the film.

When she notices you looking at them, she waves.

“Hey, Sebastian it’s your friend there.” She gives his shoulder a soft nudge.

We’re not friends. That’s what you almost yell back at her.

His head shots up, smiling.

He’s always smiling. It’s getting annoying.

You can see him going through his bag as he calls your name.

“Look, I brought you some traditional sweets.” He’s holding a small wrapped up package. He starts wiggling it in the air.

He looks so jolly and proud of himself. It makes your throat dry.

And before you can control it, you laugh. You can’t see it from where you’re standing but he bites his bottom lip at the sound.

/

Two hours later he’s sitting in your kitchen devouring half of the pastries he got you.

“These are actually so good, how can you not like them?” He says and it comes out all garbled. His mouth is full of sugary dough.

You do like them. But he does too. And you can find them anytime you want here. You doubt it’s the same in New York.

“They’re just not my favorite,” he nods “but thank you anyway.”

“Well let’s say you owe me,” you furrow your brows in confusion “and will repay me by sending me some of those once I’m gone.”

He laughs before taking another bite.

And as you stare at him, you notice that he’s different. His gaze is tranquil, his voice is soft and he has some cream at the corner of his lips.

Like that, he looks more like a guy you met at college than a well known actor.

Like that, we could be friends, you think.

You talk a lot. He tells you about his time in Romania and his first audition. It makes you realize you are far more interested in acting than what you thought. You tell him how you think team Iron Man is the superior team. He gasps, as if he is hurt.

He doesn’t mention his girlfriend. You don’t ask about her. It’s easier for both of you this way.

/

A stifling heat rises to your body as you walk under the burning sun. You don’t realize how Argyris gets you to give Sebastian a tour around the city, but you can remember a pair of light eyes pleading you.

You can easily hear him humming to himself. You turn to look at him. He’s wearing a hat and his forehead is sweating. He doesn’t seem to mind.

“You’re in a very good mood today.”

“Aren’t you?”

“Well I’m stuck with you for the day so what choice do I have?” You shrug.

He makes a face at you. You crack and a huge smile forms in your face.

He leans closer, mouth to ear and then he speaks.

“You know, I can’t tell if you hate me or just like me too much.”

His breath hits your cheek.  

You try not to blink at the sudden foreign touch.

His words find your skin and they’re so clear and powerful. Suddenly you’re an open page to him.

He crosses his arms in front of his chest and waits for an answer, a nod, a glance.

You are still standing close, the city sounds doing nothing to ease the heated silence between you two.

He realizes you’re not going to give him any response so he lowers his eyes.

And then, when he looks up again, it almost feels like he gives you mercy and agrees to let you get away with it this time.

He smiles.

“So where is Acropolis?”

/

When he’s lying on your couch after six hours of being a tourist and under the summer sun he looks exhausted. Still he’s his typical talkative self.

“You are always so pumped.”

“And you rarely are.”

“Doesn’t it get tiring?” you ask each other at the same time. It seems like you are two different sides of the exact same coin. One body. One heart.

“Today was nice.” He stretches his arms. “Thank you.”

You open the window. There is barely any wind out there. The air smells of hot cement and flowers.

The man on your couch has closed his eyes, breathing softly.

You try to ignore him over and over for the last days. Until you cannot ignore him anymore; your world has come to an end.

So many people know who Sebastian Stan is.

Only few will ever know him like this; falling asleep on a cheap brown couch with his hair messy, his chest rising and falling and his mind empty of thoughts.

These are photographs of your memories now.

An involuntary smile spreads across your face at the thought.

You see him swift and his hand clenches tightly around a throw pillow.

“Stop looking at me like that you creep,” he says.

“Come closer,” he means.

/

The sun is long gone and he’s still asleep when there’s a knock on your door. It’s Argyris.

“Please tell me he’s here.”

You nod and motion towards Sebastian’s drifted away body.

“When I left you this morning, I didn’t actually think you’d last this long together.” He tells you the moment he sees him.

The words fall out of his mouth too easily for your liking. “But I should have known better.”

You don’t understand much. You take a step out of your door. You don’t want to wake him up.

“Do you know how many times he mentioned you while we were away?’

Everything stops and falls quiet in the hall.

The words choke you. You shake your head.

“I need you to be smarter than him.” He says and touches your shoulder. “His world moves too fast for people like us.”

It’s effortless not to look at the man in front of you. It’s hard not to shallow his saying.

/

He wakes up an hour later. He looks at you and it feels sacred. His eyes are still red and the pillow has left a mark on his left cheek.

“I’m sorry I fell asleep here.”

“It’s okay.”

“No, it was rude, you should have yelled at me to wake up or something.”

“But you looked tired.”

You carry on with doing the dishes and you hear the couch squeak as he stands up and steps towards you.

The water is refreshingly cold on your skin and the soap smells like lemon.

His hands find your waist and his touch is burning. You wish he disappears. You wish he stays for the night. You don’t even know what you’re wishing for anymore. He comes closer and rests his head on top of yours.

And then he wraps his arms around you and you get flashes of days and nights where there was not enough air for you to breath and your ribs ached.

His action is not so noble. It feels like his body steals all the rationality you have. But it gives you this feeling that there will be no more starless skies at night. And that’s enough for now, so you don’t complain.

His skin feels soft and he smells of sweat and vanilla. Somehow you find that alluring.

He looks at you for a second, like he’s trying to memorize your face. And then he pulls away completely silent.

You try to understand what he’s thinking but he gives nothing away. You were never good at reading people.

You blink and he’s almost out of your apartment.

“Goodnight” he shouts.

“Goodnight” you whisper.

/

You close the window. You wonder how he will spend the night. He probably won’t sleep soon. He just woke up.

But you can’t sleep either.  You just move around in your bed. You sink into the sheets and try to close your eyes.

Your phone buzzes.

He follows you on Instagram.

I need you to be smarter than him.

You go through his profile. You want to think he’s doing the same. You want him to do the same.

His world moves too fast for people like us.

You sigh. Perhaps there could have been a time when you would have stayed away from him, but you can’t pretend to ignore it for much longer. And you’re scared of it. And you’re scared of him.

But you’re more scared of how hard it’s for loneliness to fade. And you wish this doesn’t end like a greek tragedy.

/

One day of the following week you go out for coffee. The curly haired woman comes with you. You don’t understand why. And while you’re adding more sugar to your espresso, she tells him she loves his acting. She uses all kinds of adjectives to describe it; hopeful and poignant, celestial.

You like the way she talks. She sounds beautiful. You almost envy her abundance of words.

But Sebastian stops listening.

He watches the way your fingers wrap around the sugar box. He can see your nerves and your synapses move underneath your skin and he thinks he’s watching a dance show.

He will never tell you, but it’s then; under the morning sun and with sugar in your hands, that he feels his heart beat with the power of cymbals for the first time.

He thinks you don’t have to know.

He’s wrong.

You learn the girl is an actress herself. They’ll be in the movie together. They look stellar together.

Looking at them, gives you a violent feeling that wrenches your stomach around.

You can’t hate her for that. You feel like it’s more your fault than hers. That feeling however, grabs you by the shoulders and doesn’t let go. You try not to let it show.

But for some reason when Sebastian almost touches your palm, you look at her and you’re certain this is entirely mutual.

You make a silent agreement to not include him in any of this.

/

“You were extremely quiet earlier.” He says as you reach the building you call home.

He wants to spend time together until his scheduled shooting. You don’t complain.

“You always say that.” You try to joke. He looks right at you.

And then you notice that his eyes aren’t the color of the sea. They’re more grayish blue. They’re like a frozen lake in December.

“I know,” he starts messing with his hair “But you can’t deny you barely talked back there.”

When you enter your apartment, he immediately throws himself on your couch. These last few days it feels like he owns that right spot there in front of your big window.

“I’ve told you, I talk when I have something to say.”

He smiles at your words.

“Then I must be lucky you talk to me.” He whispers softly.

You sit next to him. If you move a little closer you could touch him, feel his warmth. You don’t.

You never thought of how easy it has become to talk to him. You don’t keep your thoughts locked and your teeth clenched around him. And that’s a novice feeling for you.

You let your eyelids fall close and lay back.

There’s a language between you two. It starts with secret glances and whispers and now it contains words that build and ruin bodies and souls.

Sometimes you want to say them all together. Sometimes you just want to open your mouth and let everything flow out but then you’re scared you’ll make him mad. Or you’ll make him love you.

You can’t decide which is worse and that’s enough to stop you.

“What is this thing between us?” He sounds all tender-like, but his blood feels heavy at the moment. He’s not sure if he can keep breathing. He regrets the words that leave his lips, when it’s already too late.

You have the answer figured out long time before he asks. But you’re not ready to give it to him.

“I don’t know” you open your eyes “I don’t know.” You repeat.

/

He doesn’t tell anyone but sometimes he feels nauseous before a shooting. You can clearly see that now. His pacing up and down the room and his roaming eyes give him away.

You are surprised. You never thought he could be nervous. He looks so confident and radiant all the time; you sometimes forget he is still a regular human being.

“You have no reason to worry.” His lips twitch.

“I know.”

“But you still worry.”  You grin and catch his arm to stop him from moving.

The look he gives you is acute.

“You have no reason to be sad,” he starts, without breaking eye contact “but you still are.”

You feel naked and hug yourself close.

It’s very strange to have someone scratch everything from you and see your raw truth. You’re not certain it’s something you enjoy. You wish it didn’t make you quiver.

Sebastian wishes he could scratch deeper under your dermis and your fingernails and slither there between your muscles and your heart where blood runs thick and melancholy hasn’t conquered yet.

“I’m sorry.” He shakes his head.

“You didn’t say anything hurtful.”

You worry your words may come out bitter. You don’t want that.

“It won’t last forever.” he says and then your name appears in his tongue. You like the way he says it. It almost sounds like poetry. “You won’t be sad forever.”

You smile and, in that moment, you aren’t a worldwide known celebrity and a girl in her early twenties. You are just two people seeking comfort.

/

The same night there’s a party for the first day of shooting. You don’t feel like going, but he doesn’t let you stay home.

What did you do last night?

Went to a party with Sebastian Stan, typical Thursday night.

You can picture the look on everyone’s face. It makes your lips turn upward just a little.

“I told you to be careful.” The voice sounds almost far away but your neighbor is standing right next to you as he mutters.

“I am.” You say with a laugh. He crosses his arms.

“No, you are here, watching him starry-eyed.”

Your fingers start playing with the rough fabric of your dress.

“I don’t know how to stop it.” You whisper.

He tells you to not entail yourself in something you don’t know the way out of. But what does he know about solitude and rushed breaths?

What does he know about a pair of eyes that look like a frozen lake?

Nothing. Nothing at all.

/

He’s watching you from afar while you talk with Argyris. He notices how your chest moves along with your breathing in a way it looks like it’s made of pure glass.

For a while he thinks of staying there and keep observing you but then Argyris leaves and you’re all alone. And he starts walking closer to you.

All eyes are on him as he goes through the main dance floor. The curly haired actress stops moving to the beat and follows him with her gaze.

They both reach you.

And you know he’s moving towards you before you can see him. It’s like your body is aware of his presence madly fast.

His eyes seem darker under the hazy light.

He grabs your hand.

You almost heave.

“Let’s get out of here.” He breaths.

/

You walk for some time. It’s late and Athens is quiet around that time. There is only a soft broken sound of cars and you think about that time you saw a car crash happen in front of your eyes.

You sit close in an old dirty staircase in a forgotten back alley. The city has a lot of those, but people don’t notice. They just walk past them, always in a hurry.

Sebastian sighs heavily. He looks at you in a way it makes you think he’s trying to memorize everything. The way midnight air caresses your body, the way red lighting falls in your hair from that street lamp. He looks at you for an indefinite and long period of time and it feels exquisite.

You place your fingers on his palm and the world flickers. He’s still wearing the rings they gave him for the movie and they feel cold against your skin.

“Do you ever miss Romania?”

The question startles him.

“Every day.”

You nod. Maybe he knows more about sorrow than you give him credit for.

“I remember the dog fence and our neighbors’ daughter and the orange sky through my window, minutes before sun set.”

Your hand locks around his and you stay silent for a while.

“This is the Lyra constellation.”  His eyes light up as he looks up.

You remember reading about how much he’s into space. It’s intriguing.

“Where?”

He doesn’t let go of your hand. Instead he picks it up and guides it with his own. His body moves closer. There’s no cold in the air.

As your eyes search for the stars that your hands point at, he watches you and he’s certain that one day he’d love to lay on his back, with you on his side and show you all the little dead planets in the sky. Show you the secrets of the universe.

And he feels like this is the type of beauty that musicians try to write songs about.

“Ah!” Your grip becomes tighter and you smile. “I can see it!”

He laughs at your childish enthusiasm.

You laugh too.

And then you let your head fall on his shoulder, your hair touching his bare skin. You don’t blame them for making him wear sleeveless shirts for the film.

You can him feel shudder at your sudden motion, but then he exhales and his muscles relax.

He observes the features of your face from this angle. He almost traces them with his fingers.

“They’re probably going to kill me for stealing you away from the party.” You whisper.

“I think I was the one who grabbed your hand and left.” He laughs again and you can feel his chest pounding.

His phone buzzes. He doesn’t look at it. He closes his eyes.

“Δείξε μου όλα τα αστέρια. ”

He doesn’t understand a word but your voice sounds too close. You feel too close. And that’s almost tearing him apart.

“What does that mean?”

You turn to look at him. The neon sign on the old building behind him keeps trembling.

“It means, show me the stars.”

And he does. And he feels like he could burn alive.

And you will never tell him; but you still think of him when you catch a glimpse of burning stars.

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