#these picks make me sound so old
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playlist!!!!!!
When You Were Young - The Killers
He doesn't look a thing like Jesus But he talks like a gentlemen Like you imagined when you were young
Bulletproof Heart - My Chemical Romance
I got a bulletproof heart, you got a hollow-point smileMe and your runaway scarsGot a photographed dream on the getaway mile
Little Lion Man - Mumford And Sons
Weep for yourself, my man You'll never be what is in your heart Weep, little lion man You're not as brave as you were at the start
Born to Run - Bruce Springsteen
'Cause tramps like us, baby, we were born to run
Bonus ✨ bad ending ✨ song
Skin - Rag ‘n Bone Man
When I heard that sound When the walls came downI was thinking about you […] Yeah we came so close, it was almost loveIt was almost love, it was almost love
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I've been looking for this one au where Len basically becomes a mad scientist and turns his friends into robots one by one for a while now, and I'm beginning to realize that I just read through your blog while half asleep a few months back and mixed together my memories of your flower hivemind and composite au
this is very funny to me. i'm absolutely honored this blog's posts were enough to evil-farming-game an entire vocaloid au into your memories 😂
i can give you this doodle; it's composite au but i'm sure it'd fit very well with this theoretical mad scientist len au lololl
#ask#anonymous#this is ALSO funny to me bc of 'mad scientist' and 'flower hivemind au' in the same paragraph. it reminds me of an old scrapped idea#i had about where tf the flowers even came from in the first place but i ended up never doing anything w/ it#i've been thinking abt composite au though uag i want to do more w/ it... rip the unfinished refs and one google doc thing i have#shaking myself like ITS OKAY IF THE STORY KINDA SUCKS AT FIRST!! YOU NEED TO START SOMEWHERE#cus i mean i wouldve never gotten anywhere w/ Certain Things had i not started with the og shitty versions. which were SHIT#but its wild to think ~7 years later i transmogrified them into the things they are now. wack. makes me wonder what will happen#to stuff im making now later down the line if i go and revisit it. SO CONCLUSION YES BITCH GET OVER YOUR FUCKING ANXIETY#i think my other problem is i'd loveee to reveal it slowly with like art pieces comics etc but i dont got time for that 😔😔#CURSE WITH LITERALLY EVERYTHING I MAKE TBH not just fandom shit but original shit too. i need to get over myself#cause i do know respectfully not everyone has the skill/time/desire to pick apart things for symbolism so a clearer explanation#would prob be more accessible. and easier for ME TOO TO HAVE SHIT IN ONE FUCKING PLACE MAN. actually how i've been taking notes lately#sorry these are some longass fucking tags im talking to myself. just went into a new academic year w a lot of stress#so thinking abt my own crazy stories keeps me sane and makes me feel like i have control over at least SOME aspect of my life#anyways circling back mad scientist len sounds incredible lowkey though lmao. its always the stem lens 😔💔✌️#JK?? but i do joke abt composite au len partly going insane bc he's a biochem major essentially so yeah bitch i fucking get it 😭 no wonder
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So I was reading articles about John Hurt (as I do when I procrastinate on life in general lol) and I saw a still shot of a movie I’ve never seen still shots of before; so I looked it up. It’s a play. I was worried I wouldn’t find it in full online; but I did, so here it is in all its glory:
youtube
He’s just… ugh I want to gently hold his face in my hands he’s just so sad and lonely with his weepy voice and eye bags. I couldn’t process half of what he said but I think this is a warning about always speed-running through life to get to the next good thing. We should appreciate the moment; because in the end, we’ll have nothing at all but our memories. If we rush through life, we won’t have any memories to keep us warm at night when the chill of death creeps up on us in our old age.
Also, spool, spooooooooooollll…….
spoooooooooooooooooooooolllllll [cackles in mentally unstable]
@kaleidoscopr @theindo @possessedbydevils @randomtwospirit
#The fucking banana. I was talking to him through the screen like#“…a banana??? You keep bananas in…. there? You good man? A—are you okay?#What the hell are y—” [cracks up but quickly stops laughing] “Oh— oh honey… you’re not right are you?#No you’re not right. Uh…. Why don’t you sit down; your breathing sounds awful. You sound like you’re gonna die…#OH GOD [loses my shit laughing/cringing ] “Oh— oh ouch. No no no— I’m not laughing at you I just— I like your actor…#a lot… too much probably#and he’s just good at what he does and the timing of it all… this is exactly how I act when I’m home alone#I swear I’m not laughing at you… I just— PUT THAT BANANA BACK YOU’RE GOING TO KILL YOURSELF”#John Hurt#stage acting#Krapp’s Last Tape (2001)#Samuel Beckett#Yeah… funky stage play. Very moving and dreamlike#[This is me gently holding Mr. Krapp and rotating him in my mind like a bowl of ramen in a microwave]#Screaming crying throwing up beating the walls#I am unwell#Ough ough ough#It’s not difficult for me to watch per se#but I’m very much the kind of person who HAS to help when someone’s having a hard time doing something#— especially if they’re old or otherwise infirm — or I’ll feel like a piece of shit for weeks… and this fucking man#this fucking man is so good at being frail and pitiful that I feel genuinely agitated that I can’t reach into the screen and help him#It’s like the torture scene in 1984 all over again where he just barely manages to wrench himself upright on the table#then immediately falls off onto the concrete floor with the most tragic sickening bone-grinding splat you’ve ever heard#AND HAS TO HOIST HIMSELF UP ONTO HIS FEET ALL BY HIMSELF WHEN HE’S MALNOURISHED AND EXHAUSTED#Like ughhhhhh let me pick him up and wrap him in a blanket and carry him somewhere warm and safe and make him an omelette#And I know I write whump and I shouldn’t be this sensitive#but JESUS FUCKING CHRIST MR. HURT YOU ARE KILLING ME#Youtube
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Willow calls Hunter honeybird it's important to me that you consider this
#willow calls him so many things. i have a list of my favourites#if hes gonna have the audacity to be named Hunter hes getting called Hun regularly#and that evolves into honey#and then honeybird#she likes to use honeysuckle too#she calls him after a bunch of flowers#''my rose'' is her fave flower themed nickname tho#also ''mushroom <3'' because it is so dumb#some more she likes are babe#prettyboy#hottie#hottstuff#brown eyes#gorgeous#lovebug#princess <333#the reason she uses them so frequently?? he likes them. so she goes a little overboard#hunter doesnt really have as many names for her at all. but listen to me. its the WAY he says it#he says the name Willow with the same tone of voice of somebody using a cutesy nickname#she LOVES it#he calls her captain sometimes when hes flirting with her#the ONLY actual petname he has for her is ''my love''#just cuz i think it sounds SO old fashioned and traditional. he picked it up from an old romance movie and he was like#''thats it. thats the one.''#its honest. its to the point. it makes his feelings perfectly clear. he likes it#oh i forgot. Willow also calls him O'Bailey sometimes. he goes crazy for that#huntlow
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I'm v curious abt Talon's mesoamerican origins and evolution in general how does his accent sound when written out? after such a long life what is the strongest vestige of those times he has (aside from physical features and so on). I can't believe some rando bloodsucker colonized my boy
I have no idea what his accent wld sound like as the few videos i cld find of people speaking his original language, are, of course, mainly spanish speakers! And I can sometimes hear the difference in spanish as they switch between the 2 while being interviewed but i struggle to mentally transplant that as to how it'd sound in English ykwim 😭 there's also the fact that its the modern language spoken by them so it has evolved alongside and borrows from spanish anyway, by those who still speak it and speak both Today
Im actually still zeroing in on fleshing out more of that lore, since I can't find too much info on the specific culture i envision for him, it may really just have to be "fantasy culture INSPIRED by the people" instead, so i dont completely botch actual historical info 😮💨 either that or go very vague off of the info available
#anonymous#skunk mail#his sire being spanish is pretty standard for such a thing but it makes sense as the culture were the first to have contact with them#id also love to make it as accurate as possible despite limited info but this is just a standalone oc with no fully fleshed out story so#maybe i will go the Fantasy Inspiration way bc I don't think I could? handle? portray? it all as well as one should...#cultures arent just there to pick from and play with etc etc etc#WAGH i wish we had more texts....i need to go looking again#hm hm hm hm maybe talon cld sound like modern speakers because he does spend more time with other language than his original#one once his immediate community passes and he leaves#but then that wouldn't make sense as he'd lose the accent completely if i wanna go the ''he forgor'' route#talon has a lot of Me and idk its important for me to have him learning languages thru one venue only#(so like books) and so he knows it but has not heard people say every single word so he has to guess#its not exactly like my experience but growing up i only learned Spanish through hearing and not reading or writing so i have barriers#in between ykwim#hm hm hm....we will figure it out#he's only like 2 years old! he's still a wip! and im not in any rush bc its not like ill ever make a whole project with him...#we're learning things and piecing it all together as we go for fun
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why does everything i get really into always end up being so god damn niche. by the year 2035 i am going to be blogging exclusively about the interpersonal relationships between the pillbugs and snails hiding underneath the bricks lining the flowerbeds in my parent's garden.
#im falling hard into the virvox guys rn sowwy. i like em a lot hee hee. i didnt realize just how small the fanbase for em was tho#actually i didnt realize how small the company that makes them were either. i got so used to the yamahas and cryptons of the vsynth world#that i forgot that like honestly. a lot of the voicebank makers and some of the software makers themselves#theyre like companies of like maybe 5 employees with like no funding LOL not a bad thing but i forgor#but yeah i was looking up to see if there was like. a fanon reason why people shipped takehiro and ryusei? not judging because i get it#i like took one look at the virvox guys and immediately slotted them as a very strange boyband (a catboy and a middle aged dragon man....)#and also took a second look at takehiro and ryusei and assumed they were childhood friends. i saw the doujin flash before my eyes#but also looking into it it seems the fanbase is also like. 20 people. and like 3 of them ship that#and at least one person ships whiteCUL and ryusei? why not LOL when it comes to vsynths sometimes a ship can be spearheaded by like#one very prolific artist HGDJKDFSHDJK which actually reminds me. honestly i dont really have many vsynth ships#i guess i dont really partake in a lot of shipping stuff deeply but i like romance!! you know i like love stories. you know this#i mean i keep calling the eclipsed sounds characters the celestial polycule for a reason tho. im not joking around about this#this is serious to me. they are stars and moons and suns and together they hang out and kiss. in the sky. this is serious to me#also i do like solaria x eleanor forte actually. its a bit random but i understand it. i understand it#and of course the aformentioned takehiro x ryusei. and also the whole virvox polycule. get that old man in here too#(what do they call people like me. a multishipper? i do that a lot. you know this from my otome game fanart LOL)#OH and i dont remember either of their names rn but i like that the cevio bank anju inami voiced has like a big fat crush on like#that girl with the brown hair. i like that theyre like. besties (turning into something more wink wonk)#thinks with all my brain. i think thats it. i dont know why theres so little. i think its because i think of them as like#audio sample libraries first and foremost and i forget about their characters and relationships LOL#but im not against the idea of making some audio sample libraries kiss...... not at all#picks up a guitar sampler and a sound effect cd. presses them together.#hee hee. they kiss
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...
#sometimes u volunteer to do a paper for lab meeting and choose something that's like just above you head#just enough to b like: god dammit i should kno this. im gonna sound so fucking dumb trying to explain this#bc my lab mates 1000% know more on the topic than me 😭 but ya kno. so it goes.#i should have picked an easier paper. no i shouldnt say that. ive had fun with this one but i wish it didn't make me feel so stupid#i just think the D1 protein is really neat. and chl f uses 2 of... paralogs. one of which is real fucking old#its just really cool how with genetics u can look back in time at a mess that became what we see today#ugh. i should sleep. i still have lots to read abt before 11 tomorrow. thank christ my doctors appointment got moved#unrelated
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Song of the Day: March 27
"Long Time Gone" by The Chicks
#song of the day#I'm still thinking about the Country Songs About Country Songs#this is actually a cover too though I never hear the original around anywhere#(it's by Darrell Scott who is also the originator for 'You'll Never Leave Harlan Alive'#turns out he's got a bunch of songs that got picked up and made somewhat more popular in the hands of other folks. an interesting legacy)#the best lines of this song to sing are also the bits About Country Music--well the whole song's about chasing the love of it#but this bit is bemoaning the kids these days you know. country music isn't what it used to be. why back in my day etc etc#it's so so so much fun to sing too because you get to exaggerate your 'I think's until they rhyme with 'Hank'. excellent work#'we listen to the radio to hear what's cookin / but the music ain't got no soul#now they sound tired but they don't sound Haggard / they got money but they don't have Cash#they got Junior but they don't have Hank / I think I think I think / the rest is a long time gone'#it's fascinating to me to think about these songs in (saying 'historical' here is giving me psychic damage but) historical context#because the Darrell Scott original for Long Time Gone came out in 2000 and The Chicks released their version in 2002#so they were talking about the trend towards American jingoism in country music of the time#versus like Waylon Jennings in 1975 'Are You Sure Hank Done It This Way'#(I typed that and /then/ went back and looked up the release date and I'm so proud I got it right)#already bemoaning the state of country music in the 70s versus good old classic country like Hank Williams Senior sang#(Hank Jr covered Waylon's song in 1981. like yes it's a tribute to his father but also Hank Jr was a big push towards outlaw country#and has a few pretty famous songs himself about not singing like his daddy did. it just seems a strange choice to me)#and then Eric Church put out 'Lotta Boot Left to Fill' in 2009 calling out the shallowness of the country music scene of the time#(talking some only-thinly-veiled shit about a few of his peers in the process)#and then he released 'Stick That In Your Country Song' in 2021 and that /definitely/ put some backs up#that one's a less directed but more direct call-out if that makes any sense#no lines that are direct references to other artists' songs but stronger sentiments overall#not just general 'y'all are getting shallow prioritizing good times and high sales over genuine heart and integrity of craft'#but some straight up 'you have forgotten the face of your father' shit towards country artists and fans alike. the whole industry#a very good righteous-anger song
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🥤 ⇢ recommend an author or fanfic you love
🍓 ⇢ how did you get into writing fanfiction?
🔪 ⇢ what's the weirdest topic you researched for a writing project?
❄️ ⇢ what's your dream theme/plot for a fic, and who would write it best?
🦋 ⇢ share something that has been on your heart and mind lately
🦴 ⇢ is there a piece of media that inspires your writing?
☁️ ⇢ what made you choose your username?
Just some asks for an amazing friend!
AH thank you Cel!!
🥤 -> Ah, well you and Trauma, for followers yet unaware! I also wanna shout out Ghost and Teela, their stuff is INCREDIBLE!!
🍓 -> I guess I just found I always had too many ideas, when I watched a show or read a book, for where things could go, or missed opportunities. So I'd write them out, mostly for my own fun haha. I also looooved english classes in school, whenever we'd read classics and analyse the techniques used within I found myself very much wanting to try them out myself! Fanfic was a good outlet for that, when I didn't want to spend too much time making characters and story elements from scratch. I've only very recently gotten into the habit of posting any of it!
🔪 -> Hmm! Hard to say. Maybe intentionally going down some UFO conspiracy rabbit holes as research for a Bishop fic counts?
❄️ -> I'm a huge sucker for accidental adoption or found family. But I also LOVE stories where things get Worse. Relationships waver and crumble, characters corrupt themselves, stuff like that. And that's a lot less common! Though I suppose that's a little too vague to pin a specific writer too, huh.
Alright! For a more specific example: Dragon ball! That franchise is FULL of concepts that it just leaves on the table, begging for a deeper character-driven piece. And I don't really see a lot of it capitalized on, which is surprising! But maybe I'm just looking in the wrong places?
🦋 -> I've been trying to get back into exercise to win back my old athletic physique. I wanna be ripped I wanna be able to throw a guy into the sun.
🦴 -> TMNT 03 does a lot for me, as is known loL. It's definitely a formative piece of writing for me, with the blend of family dynamics, darker themes, and the underlying kindness of the narrative.
As I mentioned, too, I read a lot of the classics for lit and poetry, too, and learning about them was a STRONG influence on how I wanted my writing style to be like. Among them was Kafka's Metamorphosis, which was my favorite of all of them. I love the way the inciting incident is never explained, and nothing else fantastical happens. I love the slow breakdown of the family's willingness to help, and the bleakness of the world around Gregor. I love the way it ends and how it leaves you with such conflicting tones. I need to read it again actually it's been forever.
☁️ -> Haha so, when I first made my DeviantArt account I think I wasss 12, or somewhere in that age range. I was really into Sonic, and I had my edgy OC Violet the fox who I was absolutely obsessed with. So when I made my account, I called it Violetthefox0001! And I ended up having a decent little following over there. So when I branched out to other sites, when the Sonic craze had died down a little, I changed "the fox" to "Vulpini" to make it a little less overt. Alao the word Vulpini just looks pretty, doesn't it? Especially next to the word Violet.
#craziest thing that ever happened to me was someone recognized my art style in REAL LIFE at my old college#and when I gave my old DA username they'd apparently been a follower!! I was so excited I coulda died happy right there#I know we're mutuals on one'a my tumblrs but I haven't said hi in a while. wonder if they're still around#the 'the mage' username is from an old injoke with my highschool buddies that we were all wizards#I really need to pick up reading again#I think my writing could really benefit from it. just need to find some new books to pick up#y'ever do poetry? that shit's so good for developing your style more#thinking about the meter and rhythm and sounds and mouth shapes of every word and how they fit and how to make them stranger#thank you again for the ask!!#asks
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conflict of sticking with my environmental planning degree plan and a potentially more stable/well paying job vs wanting to go for an arts degree in literature analysis and writing and history and culture because i love it so so much but know it wont be considered ‘useful’. FIGHT
#like. did i pick this. yes.#but only because i like plants#and i like outdoor spaces#and when doing research it was a well paying and open field job-wise#however#while planning my courses i was looking under my ‘dicipline based writing’ requirement#and while i know i need to take something related to my major#oh my god#masterworks of world literature#fairytales then and now#enchanted worlds (course on germanic folk tales)#a course entirely on the age of reformation#a whole course on banned books#world cinema#politics of food and sex#extinction. an entire course on the extinction process. it goes into fossils and cultures and ethnic groups and languages and#endangered species and human extinction. that sounds so fucking cool and also extremely depressing#like. i wanna take all of these. i wanna learn!!!#but noooooo i have to pay thousands of dollars and deal with an extreme amount of stress with competing coursework and thinking about future#career paths. like. ok it’s late and these are late night thoughts. but i wanna be able to just take classes like these. and learn.#why do i have to be working towards a degree. why does there have to be an end goal. why can’t i just learn and write essays#why did they make learning stressful#and like. all of these are awesome. but realistically woudlnt work with my major. at all.#i could take extinction but there’s another course that fits my major way better that i /should/ take#me rambling#i think it’s funny there’s also a course called capitalism and debt. they just tell you don’t go to college because they take all your money#anyways. hoping that i get over it#or that i get a well enough paying job that i can take college courses when im old and still want to learn#edit: THEY ALSO HAVE A COURSE CALLED TALES OF HORROR#HISTORICAL SND POLITICAL CONTEXT OF HORROR STORIES
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now I get why people complain about thesis' so much
#like#you mean to tell me I have to rewrite my thesis again?#don't even get me started on literature reviews#I hate them so much :(#like I'm ok with the methodology and things that make it science-y#but my problem is the review or more so the format?#maybe I should not have picked a topic that isn't researched that well enough#thats my punishment#little old me wants to 'change the world!' with this paper#someone slap me#nvm#you know what does sound good? having a nanami or a gojo come back from behind me with some hot chocolate#someone please spoil me#no ugh#why am I like this
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ggghhg i hate vehiclessssssss ghghghhghhhhh [dies dies dies forever]
#just me hi#i'm going to get right back to it but i need to complain or i'll turn into a stale loaf of Bread lmao :3👍#so here it is. why's it gotta be so hard hhghfh#okay buildings suck i hate buildings. but also they don't make me want to immediately explode at the merest hint of actually drawing them#vehicles?? Vehicles ???? i am going to just. what if i just put everyone in magical cardboard boxes and did that huh. what is the point !!#i have to draw motorcyclessss and carssssss and i'm okay with bikes to a degree actually <3 and horsessssssss and truckssssssssssss#god forbid you pick an older model with like 20 articles on it cuz most of them are going to only have a side profile and 3/4s view of that#dang thing. which yea sounds manageable 'why is this a problem keeps' i cannot properly see the FRONT#i have to guess?? i have to Guess ???? my dearest wish i think i'm just going to live in the sewers. with the sewer creatures#GGHHHHHHHHHHHH#i am going to practice drawing this stupid thing that i'm going to use for like 7 panels MAX and then i'm going to commit a FOUL crime. lik#rearranging someone's usual playlist without them knowing so they're confused every time they listen to it afterwards#//okay enough of that. we're good hbfhsfh :3#i have done other things today ! i've actually made a rough timeline for pi.e so thaaaat's cool :D#that and found a cool artist to follow on pillowfort. i. forgor their user but they have cool art .w.#/also i'm past the halfway mark on this first chapter which is !!!#i don't want to jinx myself cuz i know i'm really good at that hfhsv - but i think i'll start storyboarding the next part if i can get a#couple more pages done :D#//also the cowboy au grows stronger everyday hhhgfshvbh#i kind of knew some sort of au was inevitable but i did not think it would be an old west one loll :3#still trying to figure out the logistics#i wanna find some good historical fiction from those eras (1860s-70s) but i do not have the brain space for it rn fbhs - so this will do :>#it won't have any of the magic or gods i think bc of that but i'm having fun regardless :D#it Does have some occult though. because i was playing the story for my brother and i Do enjoy scaring him hhbvhfhsfvh#there are devils on the ranch!! or are they devils?? he hasn't gotten that far yet lol :>#//i also may have some sort of weird lean towards the spooky because Somehow each of my stories end up containing some sort of thriller#element?? lmao rip my siblings#but it never happens on purpose. again; rip my siblings hfhhvsh#//oo running out of tag space lol <//3#i shall return. probably with more wip stuff cuz i started like 4 canvases in 2 days hhghghdvs - toodles !!
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Anyways as a resident senior to many, I urge you to get physicals of the media you love because you don’t know if they’ll ever remove the digital version of it
#I heard sony has a big issue with this even if you paid for it#and I’m not the type who really buys digitals#tho the only thing I’d get that’s digital is probably the 90’s dub of sailor moon#and even then I’m not paying for it but torrenting it#cuz the physicals for that dub have been out of print since like 2004 and it’s by episodes and not seasons unfortunately#and idc I prefer the old dub over the redub of sailor moon#like don’t get it twisted I’m so happy they put my lesbians back where they belong but I just can’t get with the new voices for the scouts#and the funny part is I like all the vas in the new dub but I think they just don’t work together and sound too similar#I could only pick out Stephanie and Katie but the other scouts? nah man way too similar#I can barely tell who is who unlike the old dub where every single voice was so distinctive#the old dub was a godsend to the visually impaired kids like me that didn’t know I needed glasses until grade 4 :/#but yeah gonna be difficult as hell to find that old dub since the new one completely replaced it everywhere#just wish that they released dvds of each full season to make life easier for me#but at least I’ve had an aeasier time with others#even happily ever after cuz that was a Snow White movie I adored as a kid cuz I thought she was so pretty lmao
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#personal#i miss having a best friend like it sounds so pathetic but there’s no other way to put it… i miss having someone to share an earbud w on the#bus and to go driving around town and picking up fast food w and someone to invite over to hang out and play video games and make art w and#spend the night and honestly just text back and forth w without restraint…#i literally have no one to hang out w for the whole summer like 😭 there’s my one roommate i’d feel comfortable w hanging out w one on one#but she’s in another state wrdhdjf and the other one lives really close to me and i love her too but our conversations without the other#roommate can feel so stilted sometimes 🙈#im sure i’ll meet up w her at some point this summer but i want to give it some time so i’ll actually have things to talk abt LOL#then there’s my old best friend who if i reached out to her im sure she’d find the time to hang out but she also hasn’t really reached out#to me since like november and there was like a solid three months where i would send her posts that reminded me of her and she never replied#to me so. i don’t know#we did end up running into each other on campus before spring break and she offered me a ride without prompting and we listened to into the#woods the way home and sang along and it was FUN it was good and we decided we should try to get back into the swing of things but then we.#did not so. yeah i don’t know! was it bc finals took over our lives or bc we really have moved onto separate paths who knows. anyway
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actually ive been thinking abt this a lot lately like basically for years i assumed i was very (cis)het passing and only recently ive become aware that i am in fact. very obviously perhaps almost comically gay to other queer ppl. like lmaoooo ok then
#i think its bc a) when i came out at like 15 everyone was super surprised so i assumed ppl still found it unexpected even now#+ b) im not super aware of social cues generally (autism) so dont tend to pick up on stuff like that unless its explicitly said#+ also c) ive never felt like i physically appear very conspicuous bc i dont have any piercings/tattoos/never dyed my hair etc#i only cut my hair short relatively recently too..... so idk i just assumed i blended into the background for everyone#but now im interacting with ppl outside of my tighter social circle more often ive become more aware-#of how ppl might perceive me. or rather ive become aware of just how UNaware i am of how ppl might perceive me#and its really funny how many odd interactions ive had in the past suddenly make sense if u assume the other person clocked me as gay#like strangers that have gotten flustered around me that might be bc i was giving off strong dyke vibes etc#the other day i was in a bookstore and the guy behind the counter was very stiff + quiet until i replied to smth he said and suddenly he-#became way more animated + started talking to me more casually + that was the first time i realised i probably sound gay as fuck#like i think i kinda have a stereotypical gay mannerism/lilt to the way i talk... no wonder i used to get called a fag so often lmfao#or like i remember trying to find a lab partner in 3rd yr of my degree + i had to do it on call only bc of covid + there were a bunch-#of us with similar lab interests but it got sorted SO fast bc this one other student seemed to gravitate immediately towards me#and i remember thinking afterward that it was odd how quickly we resolved that. esp bc we didnt even meet it was just voice call#anyway yeah i found out she was a dyke much later but i think maybe she clocked me straight away bc of how i sound....?#and that was why she warmed to me so quickly... but god i remember debating for ages with my ex abt whether she was gay or not#like my gaydar is truly terrible i suck balls at picking up on cues so its funny that to some people im reeking signals#also i met up with an ollldddd old friend last week + 30 secs in she was like oh fuck you must use different pronouns now#gesturing to Me. like oh..... im visibly gnc......? or maybe behaviourally???? idk. also shes v femme which made me realise that-#i rly do come across kinda masc/butch nowadays. even tho ive never really thought abt it that deeply before or made an effort to#i mean yeah i do identify along those lines but ive never directly considered how to flag that to other people etc im just doing me baby#ANYWAY this has been a rly long ramble idr what point i was getting at but just find it fascinating to think abt how im read in public#bc im just genuinely so unaware of it. its weirdly rly validating to find out that im automatically recognised as dykey + a little masc#boosted my confidence a lot as well tbh ive felt rly comfortable in myself lately. partly also cuz im getting a little muscular ;^)#ANYWAYYYYYY enough of all that i need to go sleep if youre reading this ily goodnighttt xoxo#.diaries
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#ok. this is the fucking bullshit thing abt grad school. u go to fucking grad school bc u r a fucking tryhard nerd freak#who is either naturally very smart or ur so fucking anxious u r incapable of allowing urself to get a bad grad#and then u go to fucking grad school and everyone's like: man fuck ur classes. if youre getting streight As then u aren't focusing on ur#research. and theyre right. but u still cant fucking let go of the idea that if u get a bad grad the world is gonna fucking end and u r a#bad person. u didnt try hard enough. all this to say i have a final project that i put way too much energy into and not even in a good way#i would just open the document. start sobbing. and then close it and spiral abt how i didn't want to work on it. so its bullshit#i mean. its a good project idea ans i probably sound like i kno wtf im talking abt bc i do. i worked on that topic for 4 years but like#i could make it wayyyyy better. its bullshit. i didnt even number the citations to give more page space. i made section headers. i didnt#wrap text. i could add like 4 more lines of text if i wanted but i think im not gotta bc fuck it. ugh. i dont even. i fucking avoide#stochastic stuff altogether which i kno im gonna have to fight abt but like fuck it who cares abt randomness. i just wanna focus on the#predictably aspect of community composition. fuck u. i shouldnt have picked this topic. i mean. i had to bc its like the one microbe thing#i could do but its also like the exact topic that makes me wanna rip my hair out and start screaming. like jesus christ who tf cares? ugh.#i think id give myself a B if it was an undergrad class. but the standard is higher in an all grad class. ugh. i hate this. i should just#send it abd be done. i dont even kno when its due tomorrow. before class i guess. idk i felt like garbage today. fucking vertigo bby. i feel#ok now tho. so maybe the allergic reacting is over???? fingers r still arthritisy tho. jesus. im falling apart#ive got a pretty good sounding excuse for being lazy tho: owo i had an allergic reaction to my antidepressants 🥳 but nah no excuses we run#this body into the ground. like the good old days.#unrelated
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