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Fluffvember Prompt 10 - Accommodating
@ajscico I’ve been meaning to write some Sky & Time comfort for you for a long while and finally came up with something! Have a random post-Elastic Heart scene :)
x
Sky’s body ached. His world was jostling strangely, a muffled voice in his ear accompanied by a steady heartbeat. Dull light pierced through his eyelids, making his head ache. He groaned a little, tilting his face into fabric to hide from it.
A hand settled over the back of his head, catching him a little off guard. His brain tried to piece together what was happening, and he realized he must be resting against someone.
“He awake?” That sounded like Wild.
“Trying to be, I think.” Oh. Oh. He was resting against Time.
How in the world…? Other voices started registering in his head, and he tried to carve some kind of story out of the mess.
“Told you it would wear him out.”
“Okay, saying something would wear someone out is not the same as them collapsing.”
“Hush, you’ll wake him up!”
“He needs to wake up, when was the last time he ate or drank? Has anybody been keeping track?”
Sky furrowed his brow a little. Had he collapsed? He tried moving, but his body responded sluggishly.
The hand in the back of his head slid down to his back, rubbing it a little. “Sky?”
Blearily, the Skyloftian opened one eye to glance up at his leader. Time looked mostly serene, but there was a mild crease to his brow that denoted worry.
Sky hummed, the sound coming out rough and patchy, too tired to talk, and he buried his face back in the elder’s tunic.
He didn’t know why he’d collapsed. Was he hurt? He didn’t feel hurt. Just worn out.
He remembered the strike in the monster camp. He’d been scouting with Warriors and Wild. They’d taken out the camp together. No one has gotten hurt.
Sky frowned. Was he still so weak after his escapade? It had been three days.
He didn’t want to be useless to them after putting them through all that. Damn it.
Scrunching his nose, he let out a frustrated breath, pushing against Time to sit up. His elder supported him under his shoulders, hands steady.
“It’s okay,” Twilight said gently from beside him, hand on his back. “Take it easy. Wild has some food and water for you to help.”
“Sky.” Time’s voice was gentle but commanding, catching his attention. “Relax. We can help you. I don’t want you pushing yourself too much.”
Sky tried not to feel pathetic or upset. He tried to focus instead on how much his fellow heroes were willing to help. And… how warm and comforting it felt to be held by their leader. Slowly, he shifted, letting himself lean back down against Time’s chest. His leader adjusted him a little so he could receive some water from Wild, but his arm was wrapped firmly around the teenager, holding him close.
Sky pushed the memory of that desert dungeon away, the memory of apologizing over and over again as his breath left him, as Time held him. He imagined that Time was trying to do the same.
He’d caused so much damage.
He knew better than to apologize. Time would chew him out. So instead he just let himself be held, let himself be comforted, and sacrificed what little pride he had so that Time could have that comfort too.
“I’m okay,” he said tiredly after sipping on some water.
Time’s grip tightened, hugging him a bit more. It was the closest he’d get to an admission of worry. The man was fairly private with his feelings.
He heard the captain next as he ruffled his hair. “Of course you are. You just need to rest some more. That ought to make you happy.”
Sky frowned, shooting a grumpy glare at the older hero, and everyone laughed.
“Eat,” Time prompted. “Then go back to sleep.”
Sky sighed. He’d indulge him. He’d indulge all of them. He was used to pushing through far worse, but… there was no reason to.
“We got you, buddy,” Twilight said gently.
The words echoed in his mind as he ate, as Wild took the empty bowl away, as Time leaned back against a pile of blankets, letting Sky use him as a bed. For once, he didn’t berate himself. He just let himself enjoy it. He’d push harder tomorrow.
But for tonight, he’d let his brothers-in-arms take care of him.
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Dead by Dawn (Part 18)
Azriel x Cassian x Reader
Summary: Zombie!AU: It’s been a while since the end of the world.
Warnings: Blood, gore, injury, graphic depictions of violence, poly!relationship, slow burn, undead, death
Word Count: 4328
(Part 1) (Part 2) (Part 3) (Part 4) (Part 5) (Part 6) (Part 7) (Part 8) (Part 9) (Part 10) (Part 11) (Part 12) (Part 13) (Part 14) (Part 15) (Part 16) (Part 17)
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Day 195 Part 4
⋅•⋅⊰∙∘☽༓☾∘∙⊱⋅•⋅
When you’ve successfully managed to empty the contents of your stomach, the first thing you notice is that your ears are ringing.
Everything slowly begins to creep back into focus. The warm hand on your back, running a soothing pattern up and down your spine. The soft voice murmuring at your side. The vomit pooling on the floor before you. And of course, the thing that’s causing your ears to ring in the first place: the screaming.
You don’t remember falling to your knees, but you’re here, and you sit back on your haunches slowly because your stomach is still roiling. You try to focus on the massacre happening around you.
Nesta’s screaming in the doorway. She looks like she’s actually going to kill you, which is probably why Eris is holding her back with an arm wrapped firmly around her waist. She has a crazed look on her face, silver eyes alight with a fear so deep that it reads like the rage of a thousand wars.
“She’s been bit!” Nesta screeches, clawing at Eris in a desperate attempt to reach for anyone she can get her hands on. His soft, consoling words in her ear are doing nothing to break past the white-hot rage burning across her features. “What did he do to her?”
“He didn’t do a damn thing but fall for your sister,” Cassian bites back, voice louder than necessary. You all know what happens when you love something in a world like this. It always gets ripped away, which is why you haven’t allowed yourself to think anything more about the two men you’ve been occupying your time with. “We don’t have time to waste, they need us out there searching for them.”
Azriel’s murmuring into the walkie-talkie, trying to discern where the hell Rhysand and Feyre might be, but after a few broken responses from your friends, they stop responding.
He turns to the rest of you with a solemn look. “Their walkie died.”
Fuck. This is worse than bad.
“We need to move,” Cassian says, tone pitched with a worry he’s failing to mask. He needs Rhysand alive like he needs Azriel alive, because without either of them, he wouldn’t want to be living in this godsforsaken planer either. “Where are our weapons? We’ll find them and bring them back.”
“That’s my sister. I’m going,” Nesta growls, and your heart pinches at the sight of the turmoil in Eris’ amber eyes because you feel the exact same as him.
“Then I’m going, too,” he murmurs, caressing Nesta’s cheek. She’s stopped fighting now, and you think you catch him brushing a tear from her face. You’re not sure how she hasn’t entirely broken down yet, knowing that both of her sisters have been bitten.
The pair share an embrace so tender you have to look away.
When they return their attention to your party, Nesta’s voice is firm, any traces of her anguish long forgotten, except in the way that her fingers are white knuckled around Eris’. “One of you stays here.”
“What? Why?” Cassian asks in disbelief.
“So we know this isn’t an ambush,” Eris provides, already double-checking the weapons attached to his hips. It’s a move so similar to Azriel that it stuns you until her words hit home.
“An ambush?” You blurt your confusion. Rage boils the blood in your veins. You refuse to lose another friend out there, not after how horrible the last time any of you split up is turning out to be. “This isn’t a fucking ambush, it’s your fucking sister!”
Your anger doesn’t land. Nesta’s glare punctures a hole in your chest and it’s suddenly difficult to breathe. “Exactly. It’s my sister. I will go and see to her. Your presence isn’t needed. You’ve already done enough.”
You want to crumple beneath the weight of her words. They hang thickly in the air, the only sound filling the suddenly eerie dining room is the soft crackling from the walkie-talkie. Rhysand and Feyre are waiting for reinforcements, there’s no time to wither into the ground and cry until the house is flooded.
“Every second we waste here is another second Feyre suffers,” Azriel spits, his hand clenching yours. Cassian’s body is warm at your front from where he’s stepped slightly in front of you at Nesta’s implied threat. “We need to go.”
But Nesta is even more hard-headed than her sister. “She stays.”
You don’t like the look on Azriel’s face when he turns to you. You’re already shaking your head when he tries to speak, but you’re quick to cut him off, your hysterics taking over your words.
“No,” your voice breaks, tears spilling down your cheeks. “No, Azriel. Please, I need to be there.” This might very well be the last time you see Feyre, and you need to be there for her.
“We need you to stay,” Azriel pleads. His hand is firm where your shoulder meets your neck and his hazel eyes are stern, but it isn’t difficult to read how terrified he is. You’re not sure you’ve ever seen him so scared, not even when you’d first found each other and Cassian was on the brink of bleeding out. Maybe you hadn’t known him all that well at that point, but now, you know that his heart is much larger than you ever gave him credit for.
“No,” you protest, shaking your head, but you can tell that there’s no room for arguing this. He’s already running through ideas of how to save your friends in his head. “They’re my friends, too!”
“We need you safe.” We need you to survive.
You shake your head, fingers fisting into his shirt. Azriel ducks down and captures you in a kiss so desperate, filled with so much love and pleading and finality that you can’t raise your head when he pulls away from you and Cassian takes his place.
“Please…” It’s all you can do to beg, falling into Cassian’s strong arms, but at this point you know it’s futile. They’ll be going without you, and you’re to stay here so that Nesta and Eris know they won’t try anything. It’s smart, protecting themselves, but it doesn’t make you like them.
“I’m sorry,” Cassian whispers, cradling you in his arms and pressing light kisses to your hair while Eris doles out weapons to Azriel. Nesta watches with a menacing look on her face and arms crossed over her chest like she’d rather let the two men you’re falling for on a recon mission in the woods without any protection.
In this world, being bitten means you have hours. If Feyre isn’t already showing signs of the infection taking hold, she will be soon. Realization strikes you down like a fucking semi-truck, tightening your throat and prickling your eyes. Your best friend, the one that you’ve stuck with for the better part of the last year has been bitten, and you’re all arguing about playing savior.
Fuck. As much as you want to be out there finding your friend, one of you needs to stay. Because Azriel and Cassian want you safe, because Nesta and Eris are scared out of their minds, because if something goes wrong, there is nothing worth fighting for anymore, but if everything goes right, this place could be your haven.
You saw the way Cassian’s eyes lit at the mention of the underground bunkers, at the sight of the healthy greens on your plates. He’s been dreaming of a place like this, a place to take root and utilize the seeds he’d so carefully traveled with all this time. This place could be his playground, and you want nothing more than for him to have something positive to latch onto in a world of the undead.
And Azriel. Somewhere hiding behind the walls he’s so carefully constructed, he cares. He cares about finding someplace safe for everyone he loves to set up camp for a prolonged period. He’s tired of running, tired of searching for something that he’s given up hope on a long time ago. Everyone he cares about now is here, or almost here, and he doesn’t need the weight on his shoulders of searching for safety.
“Go,” you choke, clutching Cassian’s forearms so tightly your nails dig into his skin. His eyes flicker between yours, searching for any sliver of indignation. If you truly don’t want him to go, he won’t. There’s no predicting what will happen out there, and you’re just as important to him as the rest of his friends. “Go,” you urge again, softly. “Find them and bring them back.”
“Yes ma’am,” he agrees, before smashing his mouth against yours. It’s desperate, a promise of so much more, and then he’s pulling away and taking the knife Azriel’s handing him, and then they’re all out the door and you’re standing in the doorway of a silent home, with only the distant coughs coming from a bitten girl upstairs to keep you company while the men you’ve fallen completely in love with leave to save her bitten sister.
“We’re coming back to you,” he calls over his shoulder, determined.
It's all you can do to keep yourself together until they’re out of your line of sight.
⋅•⋅⊰∙∘☽༓☾∘∙⊱⋅•⋅
Minutes pass. Then hours, and there’s no sign of your companions.
You try not to worry, but it’s inevitable. Cleaning up the abandoned dinner does nothing to ease your nerves. Snooping through cabinets and the pantry and the rest of the main floor does nothing to stop the haunting scenarios of everything that could go wrong from playing in your head. You eye the staircase leading upstairs, but knowing what’s up there, who’s up there, you refrain.
For now.
There is no peace in knowing that their group of four is searching for your lost friends. None of you hardly know Nesta and Eris, and as good as Azriel is at tracking, they have no clue where the hell Rhysand and Feyre are. They must be closer than you think, because they were in range of the walkie-talkies, but that could span for miles, and the sun is shining brightly through the large, front windows of the house. They have hours before night falls completely.
It's Lucien who finds you in the front room. You’ve barely moved from one of the large chairs you pulled in front of the window because you can’t find it in yourself to leave.
He takes the free one across the room, and it looks like he’s sat there many times, pondering Elain’s health.
He hasn’t been taking very good care of himself, either, from what you can tell. It looks like he hasn’t been far from her bedside in ages, his auburn hair is a tangled mess, and you know you’re no longer filling out your clothes the way you used to, but with the food you now know they have around here, you know he hasn’t been eating well.
“You’re the one that helped Cassian, right?” He asks, and your head snaps in his direction. How could he have known that? Cassian’s hardly limping these days at all, but it’s the desperation in Lucien’s eyes that keeps you from shifting further into your seat. He blushes at your surprise, a sheepish look overtaking his handsome features. “I noticed the wound on his leg. I was hoping that you would be the one to have fixed it.”
“Why would you hope that I was the one to fix it?” You all but whisper. Your heart is jackhammering in your chest, but Lucien doesn’t look like he’s going to attack. The only crazed thing about him is the circles under his eyes from lack of sleep, and the despair weighing his shoulders down.
“Because I want you to take a look at Elain.”
His words make the earth shift.
“She’s bitten,” you breathe. “There’s nothing I can do about that.”
“Please,” he begs, “I just—I can’t give up on her yet.”
The utter rawness in his tone, the way he’s looking at you like you’re the one who could save the woman he loves…it’s too much to say no. You know that if it were Azriel or Cassian, or when Feyre arrives, you’d be doing anything that you can to help.
You nod, and Lucien’s shoulders drop so hard that you think he might faint. You refrain from telling him that what you’d done to Cassian was done in haste, that you really don’t know all that much about treating wounds or diagnosing zombie bites, only things that you’d picked up from your mother after her long shifts at the hospital when she’d come home exhausted and grumbling about her work.
She had been one of the first to go, hoping to help people get through the infection.
It’s the least you can do.
You follow Lucien up the carpeted staircase. It has an intricate design, crimson leaves and brunt oranges tangled together. It matches the color of the walls, the creamy trim lining the top and bottom. This would have been a mighty fine house to grow up in, you think as you follow him across the hall, past photographs of several young boys, all with the same-colored hair. There are several frames missing from the sunspots on the wallpaper.
You hesitate at the door Lucien slowly opens, suddenly nervous. You hadn’t caught much of a glimpse of the middle Archeron sister, from what you had seen, she hadn’t looked good.
“Come, please,” Lucien says, opening the door wider and gestures you inside.
Azriel and Cassian would be furious with you if they knew you were about to put yourself within inches of someone who’s potentially infected, but they’re the ones who left you here, so you follow Lucien inside.
The room is warm and damp, dusty, like the curtains haven’t been pulled back in ages. It’s dark, but you can still make out the lump in the middle of the large bed, the indent on the sheets from where Lucien must lie beside her, holding her through this pain.
You move closer to the bed, blinking the light from your eyes when Lucien lights a battery-powered lamp on the table beside the bed.
Your breath catches in your throat.
She looks worse in the dark than she had in the dining room downstairs, but maybe it’s because you stand closer now. With the lamplight shadowing her face, her cheeks and eyes look even more sunken, what you imagine were once pink, plump lips are chapped and dry to the bone.
“Has she been eating? Drinking?” You blurt, already concerned for the girl. Normally, you’re weary of strangers, and you don’t know if it’s because she’s Feyre’s sister or she looks like she’s fighting through hell to stay alive from this bite, but the urge to help her in any way that you can is great.
“She eats bites, at most,” Lucien offers sadly. There’s a plate on the bedside table with a can you’re all too familiar eating from. “Soft things she’s able to get down. And I have to drip water in her mouth while she’s sleeping because that’s what she does most.” You can hear the sadness in his voice, the thickness of his throat when he speaks. He stares at Elain with so much devastation in his eyes that it’s difficult to look at.
You focus on the girl in the bed instead. Her breath is a brittle rattle in her chest, but Elain looks at peace. At least, while she’s sleeping.
“How long has she been like this?” You ask, silently asking if you can touch her. Lucien nods wearily, allowing you to get to work. You gently move the damp compress from her head to press the back of your hand to her forehead. She’s warm, cheeks a ruddy red that is the only sign of life against her pale skin.
Elain’s lashes flutter when you touch her, mumbling something uncoherent under her breath, but doesn’t wake.
“Weeks now,” Lucien admits, worried. “I’d say nearly four.”
Four weeks ago. Your stomach curdles, even though it’s empty. She’s been like this for four weeks.
“Where is the bite?”
Lucien doesn’t look like he wants to show it to you. Reluctantly, he carefully removes Elain’s arm from beneath the thick blankets and pulls up the sleeve to the loose-fitting shirt she’s resting in.
When he removes the wrap around the wound, you can’t help but gasp, stepping closer out of a horrific curiosity. Sure, you’ve seen zombie bites before, but you’ve never seen something quite like this.
The bite is near her elbow. It’s red and raw, and the wounds haven’t seemed to heal all that much in four weeks, but it’s not…decaying either. Her veins are blackened where the infection has leeched into her blood. They crawl halfway up her arm, and almost to her fingertips, where they disappear.
“We tied a tourniquet around her arm when she was first bitten,” Lucien explains, swallowing thickly. His fingers caress her arm, careful to avoid the plague-looking bite. “They say that the infection takes hold within hours, and when the electricity was still running, it was said that the longest surviving bitten person lasted twelve…” He trails off, and you can’t help but notice the soft glint to his eyes, the upturned corners of his mouth as he stares down at the woman he loves. When his gaze finds yours again, there’s a strength to his tone. “Elain hasn’t showed any progressing signs, and it’s been weeks.”
“Just because it’s been weeks doesn’t mean that it won’t happen,” you say, and you hate that you have to. Her case is convincing, but not all infections progress as rapidly or as violently within each person. It’s a case-by-case basis, though most tend not to last more than a few hours. You must admit, Elain is doing well.
Lucien doesn’t say anything in response, and you know he’s choosing not to believe it. You don’t want to believe it either, especially for Feyre’s sake, but you need to be realistic right now, things don’t last forever.
“We should clean the wound,” you continue. You want to help Lucien and Elain, you truly do, so you’ll do what you can. “It’s looking a little…”
“Festered?” Lucien offers with a soft smile.
You can hardly manage one back. “Yeah.”
“There’s a bag of supplies on the bathroom counter,” Lucien nods toward the ensuite. “There’s disinfectant, though I don’t know how well it will work because it’s been expired for months. You can look through the rest, see if there’s anything else that might be of help.”
You nod, removing yourself from their sight. You take another flashlight that Lucien hands you, and when the door closes behind you, you release a harsh breath that you didn’t know you were holding.
Elain doesn’t look like she’s in good shape, but the wound doesn’t seem to be spreading, and if she had a fever, it’s broken since then. You remind yourself to ask Lucien about it when you return to the bedside, but for now you take the time to scour the bag of medical supplies they’ve seemed to haphazardly throw together.
In it you find fresh bandages and the peroxide Lucien mentioned was in there. There’s about a half bottle left, and you don’t like the looks of that, but you can use it sparingly. You find painkillers, though you don’t expect Elain to wake for long enough to swallow them down.
“Has she been coughing a lot?” You ask when you return. Lucien sits on the bed beside Elain, gently stroking her hair. Her injured arm is propped in his lap, and he watches you carefully as you take the empty spot on the sheets, setting your supplies down.
“Not as much as when it began,” he answers.
“And has there been any mucus?”
“Yeah.”
“What color?”
He grimaces, and your muscles tense, awaiting his response. “Black, to begin. Now it’s cleared up. Almost clear.”
That’s a good sign, you think.
The peroxide bubbles softly, cleaning the wound. For the most part, it seems to be fine, and as much as you’d like to poke and prod at it, you don’t want to disturb what seems to be a peaceful sleep for Elain.
Which is perfect, because the door to the house crashes open downstairs and shouting ensues.
You and Lucien startle, both jumping from the bed. He’s already reaching for the knife at his hip, but when a shout drifts up the stairs, he relaxes slightly.
“Lucien?”
He looks at you. “I think they found your friend.”
Your heart rate skyrockets, and it’s all you can do to give him final instruction before you’re bolting from the room. “Dab this on the wound before you wrap it with fresh gauze.”
You’re not all that sure you want to see the condition Feyre is in, but your legs don’t stop moving. You skip the steps down the stairs and go crashing into the dining room where Rhys is gently laying your best friend down on the table.
Everything seems to come to a screeching halt.
Eris is by the front door, locking it shut. He’s looking in your direction frantically, probably wondering why his brother hasn’t called back to him. You barely notice him brushing past you as he makes his way upstairs.
Your eyes are locked on her.
Nesta and Cassian are shouting at one another while Azriel helps hold Feyre to the table. Rhys looks like a mess, tears streaming down his cheeks, and the sight breaks your heart. It gets your feet moving, and you almost slam into him as you make it to Feyre’s side.
The bite is deep and raw, new. You can’t help but compare it to Elain’s, and unfortunately, Feyre’s looks much worse. Elain’s was a clean bite, like as soon as the zombie broke flesh, its jaw had unhinged. Feyre’s looks like the undead bit into her and latched on like a feral beast, almost ripping an entire chunk out of the back of her forearm.
Rhys shouts your name and you jump, turning to him. His cheeks are stained with tears, his voice is a ragged mess from the crying a pleading. “Please, you have to help her,” he says frantically, “You have to save her.”
And fuck, if that isn’t a heavy weight to put on your shoulders.
You spring into action. As soon as Eris reenters the room, you’re screaming for him to get all the supplies that he can find that might help. He follows your direction, sprinting back up the stairs. Next, you shout the same thing to Cassian, telling him to fetch your bag from downstairs.
Feyre’s a moaning mess. She’s sweating profusely, hair matter to her head as she writhes on the table. Her fingers claw into the wood as she moans in pain and your heart breaks for her.
“It’s okay, Fey,” you say, brushing some of the sweat from her head. Fuck, her skin is on fire. Her frantic eyes meet yours and she’s groaning your name, pupils consuming the blue of her eyes. “I’m going to help you.”
Cassian makes it back first and you ask him to dig out the painkillers. “You have to swallow these,” you tell Feyre, who’s quickly fading into unconsciousness. You wonder how long she’s been awake.
Rhys takes over as Cassian pins her injured arm down, trying to coax her into swallowing the painkillers. From across the table, Azriel watches on, but his face shows nothing. He’s watching you, you realize, watching you do what he knows you do best. Nesta stands beside him, ready to assist in any way that she can now that she’s not bickering with Cassian.
“How long ago was she bitten?” You ask Rhys, who’s petting Feyre’s hair gently. He’s murmuring to her softly, something about keeping her eyes on him, but he lifts his gaze to meet yours when he answers.
“A few hours ago. Maybe three.”
How did you not realize how long it’s been since they’ve been gone? The sun has fully set and darkness pours in through the windows. You don’t have the time to wonder if any zombies have followed them back.
“Okay,” you breathe, taking in the state of the wound. It’s bleeding, oozing black blood that’s beginning to creep up her arm in the same way as her sisters. There’s a poorly made tourniquet fastened around her bicep, and that’s the first thing you fix.
Eris arrives with the bottle of peroxide you used upstairs and his arms chock full of supplies. This place is a haven, alright, and you’re more than thankful you might have the supplies you need to help your friend.
You uncap the bottle and douse it onto Feyre’s arm. She moans as the liquid works its magic, trying to clean the wound. You repeat this step until the bubbles that fizzle off the wound are no longer muddy with black.
There’s not much that you can do, you’re afraid. From what you’ve seen, the infection needs to run its course. She’ll be in pain for now, but there’s nothing you can truly do for your friend.
Which is probably why Rhysand begins freaking out when you pull out the gauze to wrap her wound in.
“That’s it?” He shouts, rounding the table. Fury is written on his face like a tattoo. Feyre’s slipped into a less than peaceful unconsciousness, whimpering and twitching. “That’s all you’re going to do for her?”
Cassian leaves his post at Feyre’s arm to stop his friend.
“There’s nothing I can do, Rhys,” you reply just as sadly. You hold your breath, unsure if you should speak what’s really on your mind, but with the way Rhysand is struggling against Cassian, you blurt, “I think the cure is in their blood,” and the room plunges into silence.
⋅•⋅⊰∙∘☽༓☾∘∙⊱⋅•⋅
DBD Taglist: @writingsbychlo @kemillyfreitas @5moremin @dream-alittlebiggerdarling @waggel36 @bionic-donut @queserasera @applepie02 @azrielsbabyg @arcadianmoonlight @pradaxstyles @illyrian-dreamerdreamer @reiincarnatiion @fuckthatfeeling @shadowsingersmate24 @poppyalice2001 @fallmyriad @sstrohma @tcris2020 @jeannineee @21stcenturytaegi @ochiolism @secretly-here @harrystylesfan2686 @i-am-infinite @lees-chaotic-brain @eternallyelvish @lilah-asteria @randombibitch @st4r-girl-official @nanisearchinginnerpeace @aemondsb1tch @chxosangxl @marigold-morelli
#acotar#azsazz#acomaf#azriel x reader#cassian x reader#acotar zombie au#azriel x cassian x reader#poly!batboys x reader#zombie au#deadbydawn
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HELPPP IM CRYING ACTUALLY IM SO GLAD YOU LIKE THEM???? HONORED TBH????? I love these silly little guys SO much I'm losing my mind over here that u like them enough to write smthn so long ab it, omg don't look at me rn I'm crying
I never thought too much ab Haruka's voice before but tbh now what u described it that way that's just the Official Haruka Voice Take (tm) actually, that is how she sounds now
"I've got nothing better to do, I think she's funny and I want to reinforce her bad habits <3" is so fucking funny and so fucking accurate, this is exactly what is happening in the twins minds actually.
In my notes for their personalities in my notesapp, I just wrote "They're genuinley just the fucking WORST to deal with. Their "I'm going to cause problems on purpose" dials got cranked up to 10 and got stuck that way at birth" which I think sums it up nicely.
I've been writing silly small stuff for them lately to hoard jealously in my notesapp and I think Haru has a genuine mean streak while Hiro is a lot more bark than bite— but also Haru looks and talks a bit gentler while Hiro acts and sounds rougher, so they often give off the opposite impressions. Don't worry Hiro, your brother will do what you aren't strong enough to (crime)
There's all sorts of fun layers to it too, like, considering they're from a clan who tries to shelter it's children— but they're also from the infamously bloody warring states period, who had to bring up their children much quicker and rougher than modern. I think Hiro would have made a wonderful modern day shinobi while Haru is a good example of the inherent violence of the warring states, just buried under good cheer and playfulness. Mmmm phycology,,,
I love their little trio with Shiruka, they are besties and she's also their first real friend their age, while she's kind of but not quite an outcast in her own clan due to her parents poor standing. She's older sibling coded and so tired of their shit but also quietly, perpetually amused by it, which is probably part of why she sticks around. That, plus their clear undying loyalty towards anything and anyone considered "theirs"— a list she's made it on and does her best to reply in kind
They are holding hands and will continue to hold hands together till they inevitably die at ~19 for the good of the village, yippie !!!
At least they'll get to live on in the memory of Hiname,,
Just kidding she dies like 3 years later, whoops!
BUT YEAH THEM !!! I love them so much, I had way too much fun thinking ab just the ecosystem for young shinobi in early konoha.
I have so many more thoughts ab it all tbh, theres no doubt tons of things happening as so many different people and clans settle in to a new normal but I ofc have my focus
I think I accidentally created some sort of little mystery/conflict with my silly meme of Shiruka going "he wants to order break into my clan heirs house" while also stating that she and her family aren't currently in good standing with the Nara main family.
I wasn't thinking ab it too hard when I drew it but now I'm sat over here like "girl why are you helping Haru break into your clan heirs home when you're already most likley on their (or at least their parents) shit list?? Who is the clan heir and why does Haru want to break into their house?? What drama is this??"
I'll probably think harder about it later, I feel like there's potential there
I need to stop thinking so hard ab potential early konoha narrative things bc I refuse to be consumed by it and know I very much will give in to The Voices if I continue
I say that but I'm absoloutley going to continue to think ab them. Actually.
Ough,,, Wolves of the Woods my beloved,,, one day I'll write u,,, one day,,
That said I'm also enamored with Tetsuo as clan heir (someone get him out of there!!!) He's great at it but also really, really does not want the position.
I think when he was younger and Tobirama was visiting the clan, he point blank begged him to take the position— But Tobirama said no, he's a Senju through and through and he's proud to be second to his Anija. A week later, and Tetsuo officially got the title (and maybe cried about it but only just a little and only on the inside)
(Tetsuo is still nursing a tiny grudge over this, though it's lessened slightly since Sakumo's birth)
POV he's in an especially bitchy mood and Tobirama asks him something and he just kind of grumbles, "oh, I'm sorry, are you my clan heir?"
Queue ??????? from like half of those present
He's so cute tho I think he has my favorite design of all of them. He dresses the fanciest for sure— Haruka totally owns similar things (I think the half and half haori is super cute and I want it to be a clan staple) but only wears it on occasions where she needs to, while he's more traditional/conscious of himself and his position, so he dresses like that all the time. He's probably the guy they send to the capital whenever it's necessary and the clan heads presence isn't needed
Random early konoha oc fun fact no one asked for: I have a vague messy fic idea from months ago now that basically amounts to "the Hatake's die before Madara defects to the village, and Kabuto, in practicing Orochimaru's edo tensei in preparation for the final battle, revives them— then manages to lose them in transport before they wake up. Not knowing any better, they flock to Madara to help in his fight"
I love time travel I love drama I love horrible misunderstandings and family/clan drama !!!!!
Uhh take some notes from that:
ANYWAYS THANKS SO MUCH IM SO GLAD U LIKE THEM SORRY FOR MY WORD VOMIT I JUST GET SO EXCITED AB THEM I COULD EXPLODE WITH IT ACTUALLY
Silly, early Konoha lore and oc things drawn while thinking about this post
!!! early konoha my beloved !!! I have so many thoughts ab it, I want to write a fic that's just silly early Konoha things viewed from the perspective of the less important clan members and their everyday lives. I'm aware the audience for that is incredibly small but I have too much fun just thinking ab it to really care!
Ichigo remains the only naruto oc Ive ever actually written for (in one step three steps), tho Haruka has been mentioned in multiple fics of mine now just bc she fills the role of Tobirama + Hashirama's blood aunt that I needed to be filled in my "Kakashi interacts with Tobirama w the knowledge that they are directly related" fics, of which there are now multiple
but yeah, take some silly art and lore comics !! I had fun while making these and will now probably put all these ocs on a shelf where I will not touch them for some more months
#!!!!!!!!#i feel like i should have a specific tag for this at this point#wolves of the woods#ig#if it work it works#IM SO HAPPY YOU LIKE THEM THO!!!#to have infected u with my thoughts#there is no higher honor#hatake oc#nara oc#orochi oc#hyuuga oc#birds fanart#birds art#kakashi hatake#hatake kakashi#hatake clan lore#early konoha#birds fic talk#birds ocs
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Dorem with a blind human who has endless positivity radiating off her. She knows the world is cruel and evil, but instead of getting drown in it, she stubbornly want to create as much good as possible (helping people, caring for abandoned animal,...etc). Without her vision, she didn't see Dorem as some monster at first, despite feeling very strange in his presence. She just thought he was a very quiet, awkward person.
Their first meeting would be at a graveyard. She was cleaning the graves of people who didn't have any family or friends left and was abandoned until it grew dirty and unnoticeable. She worked slowly, carefully, and completely unaware of the gaze directed at her from the shadows. Dorem has been watching her do this every Saturday for the past few months. He didn't understand it at first, thinking she had mistaken the graves of her familiar for someone else's due to her blindness. But overtime, he realizes her soul was just too bright, too kind and loving. He slowly warmed up to her and revealed himself to her one random afternoon. She was startled but eagerly began chatting with the mysterious graveyard visitor.
It was mostly her talking and him listening. Overtime, she learned of his true nature and bits n pieces of his past that he slowly revealed. She accepted it and became even more determined to make his future days better than his past.
[When you said cleaning graves, all I thought of was that blonde Tiktoker. 💀]
The thought of Dorem just about ready to pick you up and launch you through the air because he sees you squatting around a gravestone, messing with it, and immediately assumes you're some kind of grave defiler... Only to then just loom quietly and watch you clean it. Every. Single. Saturday. Like a confused donkey that slowly grows to appreciate it. Comedy gold.
It's good that you can't see him, but sight alone will not spare you of the instinctive dread he inflicts on the living. You'll know Dorem is something more than human or monster early on, because of the weight his voice carries, his strange smoke-like scent, the way he feels. Because, the moment he's sure he can touch mortals without harming them accidentally, he's going to let you touch certain parts of himself. Of his lanky, bony figure and even the flesh that forced itself upon his head.
He's hideous, but you don't need sight to know that.
Dorem encourages you to spend your time elsewhere. Humans already have short lifespans, don't go ahead and waste yours hovering around the dead and gone. Those are empty words and the two of you know it well, he would be disheartened to find you moved on. More than that, Dorem would follow you and easily terrorize the ones you call close, without even trying.
He sees a bit of himself in you. Working tirelessly yet unrecognized. It's almost futile to clean gravestones, just as it's almost futile for him to keep working for those who've long abandoned him. But the two of you don't know anything else, do you?
The soulkeeper knows things will never be the same, but the moments of peace and quiet he can steal when he sits beside you, letting you map out his hand for the hundredth time while you ramble and he chips in every now and then... Those moments make it feel as if things aren't all bad. He doesn't remember the last time he cradled a living being with as much gentleness as he holds you, prying you away from your exhaustive focus so he -A being many consider a harbinger of death- Can remind you to tend to basic needs.
There's a mild self-loathing in Dorem when your natural warmth stokes urges in him that have been buried for so long he didn't even know they still existed. He wouldn't curse someone as generous as you to laying with him, but then, he's already selfish for stealing all your time, and you don't seem to have very many friends... Would you turn him away if he were to reach for more than just your face?
If he were to whisper what he sees in your soul and how it makes him want to be as close to it as he can?
Dorem wonders how it'll spin and flare in the wake of pleasure.
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Dance Lessons
Emmrich/F!Rook
Emmrich likes to indulge in the finer arts, including dance, and wants to share this with Rook. Sadly, Rook has little confidence in her dancing abilities
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A quiet day at the Lighthouse. Lyrei “Rook” Ingellvar didn’t know what drew her to the small hidden room with the big piano, but she found herself there nonetheless. There were so many more enjoyable things she could spend her time with, she told herself, so why come here? Perhaps it was the instrument itself that attracted her to this seldom visited corner of the Lighthouse; Rook loved music, though she had never had the opportunity to learn to play. So her fingers only lightly grazed the ivories, never truly pressing any of them hard enough to produce a sound.
She missed music. Be it the lengthy elegies written for funerals back in Nevarra or lively drinking songs filling the air of taverns; she hadn’t heard any of that in way too long a time.
Hadn’t Bellara discovered an ancient Elven music box not too long ago? Just as Rook resolved to ask about it soon, someone entered the room.
“So this is where you’ve been hiding, dearest. I’ve been looking for you.”
She turned around, her face lighting up with a smile. “Emmrich.”
He held up the artifact in his hands. “I asked Bellara if she would let us borrow her music box; there’s something I want us to try with it.” He placed it on a nearby table. “I had at first considered trying to teach Manfred how to play the piano for us; he was very interested, but I think he needs to focus on his magic training for the time being.”
“Now you’re making me curious”, Rook said cheerfully. “Don’t keep me in suspense like that!”
“My darling, have you ever tried dancing?”
Rook bit her lip. “I haven’t. I’m not sure I would be any good at it, to be honest.”
Emmrich stretched out his arms to pull her against him. “Nonsense. I see how you move in battle; you are a born dancer if I’ve ever seen one.”
Her eyes flitted about the room, for the first time trying to look at anything but him. “I don’t want to embarrass myself; especially not in front of you.”
Emmrich leaned forward and kissed her. “I would never judge you, you know that. Come, we'll start with a simple waltz. Without music, so you can get a feeling for the steps first.”
Rook hesitated for a moment, but found herself unable to say no to him. Not when he was so excited at the prospect of dancing with her. “...Okay, but I take no responsibility for any damage done to your toes.”
“Marvelous! It's easy, really.” He placed one hand on her waist and took hers with the other. “Start by taking a step forward with your left foot, then a sideways step with your right foot…”
This “simple waltz” felt anything but simple at first. She executed the steps just as Emmrich instructed, but kept losing the rhythm and felt her face heat up every time she stumbled. Just when she was about to ask if it was time to stop, Emmrich paused.
“Rook, my dearest, you are way too stiff. Relax. Don’t worry too much about executing every step perfectly. Just focus on me.”
Rook took another deep breath. “Focus on you. Okay. I can do that.” She concentrated on his eyes, gentle and loving as ever. No trace of judgement or annoyance. He moved, and she followed, her mind easing to a pleasant emptiness that left space for the two of them, and nothing else. She barely noticed when his hand slightly moved and the music box began playing. It was an ancient Elven song, a far cry from modern ballroom music, but it still flowed into their movements like a guiding breeze. That was her entire world in this moment; music and movement… and Emmrich, smiling at her as if she was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen.
“I knew you could do it.” Delight lit up his eyes.
“What can I say? I have an excellent teacher.”
Step by step, they twirled through the room, allowing themselves to get lost in the moment. One, two, three…
Emmrich’s hoarse chuckle slightly pulled her from her thoughts. “You are absolutely beautiful. I can’t believe how lucky I am to have you.”
The corners of her mouth twitched upwards. “Says the stunning man in front of me.”
He laughed, and her heart did a little flip.
The song slowly fizzled out, and with a final spin, Emmrich, kissed her and then rested his forehead against hers. “I love you.”
“And I love you. And… thank you for teaching me how to dance. Maybe we can do this more often?”
“Whenever you like, my dearest.”
#dragon age veilguard#dragon age veilguard spoilers#veilguard spoilers#emmrich volkarin#emmrich x rook#fluff#my writing#I'm on a roll with writing lately
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give me the Sol good & bad endings in detail pretty pls 💖
sol as a character is defined by the crows and the blight, so here’s a spread of what i might have to work with
some bad sol endings:
crow version: the Widow Dellamorte. sol commits to being first talon lucanis’ right hand, but fail to protect him when the rest of the crows go to war with the ascending dominance of the dellamorte-de riva-cantori block. desperate to cling to whatever they have left of him, they allow themself to be possessed by spite—a fuller meld than spite/lucanis ever was, more in the anders/justice style—and become a vengeful winged monstrosity effectively haunting the dellamorte villa. black veil over golden heavy armour. for now, they still recognise their friends
blight version: the blight finally catches up. sol was intensely careful about fighting the blight right up until the final days, where there was nothing for it but to cut blindly into blight cysts. obviously it’s awful and pointless for them to suddenly die after all that, which is why i think we should at least explore the possibility. for awful and pointless drama. the ending they were kind of hoping for, just when they no longer want it??
alternate blight version: okay this isn’t an ending per se but i still think ghilan’nain should have gotten to turn them into a sick crow-themed blight monster at some point, as a special treat. this can also be a neutral or good ending depending on how much of themself they retain and how much of a monsterfucker lucanis is. sorry for saying that
some neutral-ish sol endings:
crow version: the First Talon’s Executioner. this is the version where sol goes back to the crows and it’s essentially business as usual. i can’t imagine this as good, but with their renewed appreciation for what they have and the lifetime of focus and activity ahead in order to just keep their heads above water, it could be survivable. and lucanis is there. but then i think about how permanently damning the step is where you start raising the next generation for it and i feel a bit sick
blight version: warden sol! sol finally gets up the nerve to cut ties with the crows, making the necessary choice for themself even if it means losing the people they love most. they take the joining and build what life they can alongside davrin, evka, and antoine, slaying darkspawn and finding a new path for the wardens following the tracks of a changing blight. it’s ugly and terrifying and hard, full of horror they never get used to, that will still be making their skin crawl until the day it kills them and drags them down, far from the comforts of home. but as a life, it is, at least, theirs to choose
some good sol endings:
crow version: a newly re-energised sol takes their place at lucanis’s side but considers things in ways they never could have before. why does going back to the crows have to mean they’re locked in place? they aren’t the underdog just clawing for survival that they once were, and they don’t have to act like it. they can do better! they have viago and teia and lucanis and people listen to them. if the dread wolf can change, can’t the crows? through a certain connection via the wardens, they make a contact who has very interesting ideas on the crows’ future
blight version: sol accepts they can’t stay with the crows, does a whole tear-stained confession to a shocked and distraught lucanis, and walks away. they settle into helping davrin, evka, and antoine against the changing blight. nobody actually requires them to take the joining because, hey, they’ve already gotten rid of more than enough archdemons for one person (showoff), and sometimes it is actually helpful for them to do their crow thing as the combatant the darkspawn can’t sense coming. maybe a year or two later, the world’s most miserable first talon (“they don’t even let me do my own assassinations anymore!”) quits his job, thoroughly disappoints his grandmother, thrills his demon, hands all his power to teia, and shows up somewhat nervously with as many antivan delicacies as he fears forgiveness will require
#veilguard spoilers#sol de riva#in the last one sol would have not even a thought that forgiveness is required here#it’s actually assan you have to placate lucanis. good fucking luck he’s up to your shoulder now
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it's bittersweet, being back here, faced with memories from the life they once shared together. there's happy ones, of course, that flood to the forefront of his mind— the first time they ever said they loved each other, just down the hall in the bathroom; or all the times following that where those three words were uttered, whether that was in the kitchen, after a dinner they prepared together went horribly wrong and all they could do was laugh at it, or in their bed in the morning, when they awoke to the sight of each other, or in the hallway, just before they're out the door, each day they had to go to work. there was always something so certain back then; this love that held them together, the home they found in each other, that they could return to the safety of, each and every single day. and it's taken him awhile this time around, but he's found his way eventually— back to her, his home. with that, of course, comes memories that are harder to swallow, that aren’t as easy to think back on; two lines on a test, reality coming crashing down around them when that was no longer a possibility, secrets around a job interview, a job offer, a final goodbye, and even a heavy sense of grief, that brought him back to the safety of these walls. and they’re hard to acknowledge, yes, but in a similar way to how those happier memories are, too— all that they had, they nurtured and grew together, all to slip away from them, just like that. there’s so much history, here, in their surroundings, in the breath that they share, so close together. there’s not much else to focus on, then, as her nose nudges against his, the feeling of her breath warm against his skin. no, not much else at all, other than the pounding of his heart in his ears, his chest rising and falling with each of her words. not much else other than the feeling of what it’s like to kiss her, again, to give into the desire he’s tried to tamper down for so long, pretend like it wasn’t there. but, it screams at him now— yes, it’s still there, no, it’s never gone away. so, talk, yes, they definitely should talk, go over the situation they’ve put themselves in, but there were already on the edge of the cliff, weren’t they? what was one more step? “ we should, you’re right, ” his agreement falls easily, because he’s in no position to disagree, but his pause says it all, perfectly timed as her hand rests against his chest, lips close to his own, just barely touching. holds onto some form of restraint, not closing that gap right away, continuing to hover there, fighting the urge. “ i don’t think that makes you a terrible person, no, ” because it was her, them— this would never feel wrong, not to him. besides, the last thing he’d want is for her to feel guilty over it. “ i feel the same, ” he breathes, inching just that little bit closer. and it shouldn’t be surprising, not really, not when they’ve always been on the same page, even about this. as it turns out, self-control isn’t his strongest suit, and soon enough, he’s closing the gap between them again, his lips to hers, but this time there’s an urgency to the kiss, like he can’t stomach the thought of another second passing without feeling her against him. he only pulls away enough to mumble his next words, right there against her. “ actually, i keep thinking that maybe talking can just wait until later. ”
devon can’t stop the memories that flood her mind as they stand here together, in a home that was once theirs. can’t help but remember how it felt to come home with him after a long night out, tired and far too drunk, his arms wrapped around her as their laughter bounced off the walls, stumbling to their room to help each other carefully peel their clothes off before sliding comfortably into bed, falling asleep in each other’s arms. or how they would make breakfast together on slow weekend mornings, drinking coffee in bed and spilling half of it on the sheets, or evenings spent listening to him read to her, staying up too late talking about anything and everything. maybe that’s why she couldn’t fathom leaving this place, despite his absence— so much good happened here. there was so much love embedded in these walls, in each creak of the floorboards, in every piece of furniture they picked out together. and now she could almost trick herself into believing they had gone back in time, that this was just another one of those nights, where she could just lead him to their bedroom, kissing all the way there, but it wasn’t. or at least, it shouldn’t be. despite how her lips tingle to kiss him again and again, she knows they’ve already crossed a line. but hearing him echo just how much he missed her, too, blurs it even further in her mind. that always happened with him, didn’t it ? he was the exception to every rule, the only person she would do absolutely anything for, if he asked, no matter the consequences. it’s intoxicating, being this close, kissing him, touching him, feeling the warmth of his body against her own one more time. even if he wasn’t technically hers anymore, god, was she so fucking lucky to have him at all. remains close as she smiles up at him, pressing a soft peck to his cheek, lingering there for a moment. “ feels real to me, too, ” she whispers, so real that it’s almost visceral— her senses were overrun, her brain filled only with thoughts of them and the life they once shared, her heart overwhelmed with love and care. and it’s enough, just being here with him like this, but she can’t ignore that desire for more, even though she’s desperately trying to shove it down, to remind herself that there had to be some sort of boundary, that there were two other people to think about. it’s hard, though, when he’s kissing her, or looking at her like that, or when he reaches down to intertwine their fingers together so easily. fuck. “ me too. i've almost called you so many times, ” it’s followed with a squeeze of his hand, then, as her nose nudges against his own, tempted to close the gap and kiss him again, but she tries to hold onto any shred of self control she has left, just for good measure. even then, she doesn’t pull away. “ do you want to ? talk, i mean, ” she breathes, voice coarse. “ because we can. we should, probably, ” the words are a little shakier, now, as her free hand slides up to rest against his chest, curling against the material of his shirt as she leans in closer, lips skating against his. “ because i… i’m afraid that if i keep kissing you, i won’t be able to stop, and i’ll do something really fucking stupid, that i know i shouldn’t but that i can’t help because it’s you. ” — “ does that make me a terrible person, you think ? ”
#have i mentioned lately that this is going to make me Freak out……#interactions / miller banks.#bluestsdays
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learning abt friendship decay and "not reaching out to your friends for months at a time unprompted is not neurotypical behaviour" has me feeling a certain way
#experiencing some BIG FEELINGS OVER THIS REVELATION#listen i have never ever been bothered abt not seeing someone in a while or making time to talk to them bc in my mind its like not thst muc#time has passed. i mean it with every fibre of my being that when im like 'oh its ok even though we havent talked in a while and have our#own things going on it doesnt mean we're not friends anymore since we left things on a good note 8 months ago' i sincerely believe that#and for the longest time i just thought everybody makes peace with it at some point and not automatically assuming the other person doesnt#wanna talk to me anymore or smth. my longest lasting friendships are with ppl who work the same way i just thouhght that was normal#whatever organ everybody has that makes them reach out to their friends and plan hang outs i probably dont have it#i was already hesitant to ask out Alex bc i spend almost every waking hour doing smth that isnt talking to ppl unless they happen to be in#the vicinity. and at first it was bc i planned on making sure i had everything set up so i dont get stressed out and do it one at a time#but then i find out theres a friendship decay mechanic? and after dating and marrying someone you lose -10 friendship points for every#day u dont talk to them?? actually ive probably been losing friendship points this whole time without knowing bc of this?????#and i notice a lot of my own habits are also reflected in how i play bc ive been avoiding getting close to pierre and marnie since its more#of a professional relationship. like i know theyre npcs but im approaching it the way i would in real life its fucking nuts#i think its a little relieving im playing /as/ a character than myself bc as im playing im just making up little interactions in my head#than approaching things the way i would myself so it takes a bit of the stress off trying to put myself in there as a spectator. but well#being in a relationship demands a certain amount of energy even more so when theyre things that already take up energy on its own#like making time to talk to your partner and make sure they know theyre loved. i dont always have energy to put all my mental focus into it#and this is true for real life so im not really bothered by not dating anyone. but when its a game and i want my character to be with someo#and i know its fully optional and i know i could just apply the same logic to this i dont /want/ to. sometimes i want to experience#the same things other people do at least to a certain degree without the same emotional andmental stakes#no offense krobus#yapping#stardew#stardew valley#puppy plays sdv#sdv#this game has me by the ankles man
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spn poetry month - day 6 - shadows: blood in the backseat
a tribute to anna for today's "shadows" prompt! wanted to explore the angels'-deaths-as-wing-shadows sort of idea, & this odd dissociative-grace thing sort of just. Sprung Forth.
@spnpoetryrenaissance
#played with the fire motif a little bit too bc of course inherent to a burned shadow is the flammable exigence. but tried to focus more on#the ash of it all. idk. i like the idea that anna was cognizant the whole time i feel like that was sort of. Touched On w the whole early#childhood psych evals thing but (as is the case with most things in spn) tragically under explored.#i also like the idea that when angels go out they can sort of See it happen? like they end up in the empty obviously but when their eyes do#the shooty grace thing its like Expelling them from their vessels so they are momentarily sort of Suspended above everything#before the metaphorical lights go out. i just think its all very compelling#i'm not really explaining all that very well but [meme voice] i just think she's neat. anyway.#spnpoetryrenaissance#spn poetry#day 6#FUCKING HELL JUST REALIZED I QUEUED THIS TO THE WRONG BLOG. whatever its whatever i'll just self reblog in the other direction#i'm not writing all that again
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As always, if you wonder why I don't talk about certain current events but do others, a lot of it comes down to whether I think it's something that other people are talking about a lot
If it's something where I figure you're going to be well informed and need a break, I tend to keep it to a minimum on here cause you already know
If it's something I rarely see talked about, then I'm more likely to mention it
World's bad, we're all doing what we can, I know people have said to me before they appreciate me more keeping to cats and frogs and random stuff, so I mostly try to do that, but... in the end I just kinda share whatever my brain decides to share
Want to give my thought process though
#and in this case it's a matter of that Syria really does feel forgotten and I won't deny I often forget too#but with the stuff that's going on right now I really prefer to when I can be reblogging stuff that has something at least a bit actionable#stuff that says where you can donate to give aid via reputable sources... that's what I like to try and focus on#but yeah... man; only place I really ever tend to see Syria mentioned is in Ukrainian circles#so that's why I wanted to highlight that one#man I wish I could do more in the world#so many people suffering and... and... well; and I can't do shit about it and that sucks#just keep trying to slowly get things together around here; and trying to slowly be able to help more and more people#and just hope that if you help people; it'll make them want to help people like they were helped#and maybe if enough of us get stable ground under our feet and know how it was to be helped... maybe some day we can collectively help enou#...try to avoid making things feel hopeless with my posts; cause things certainly feel hopeless#so I try to... try to focus on the good and what can be done to fix things as much as possible#want to keep people in the fight to try and make things better; not drain them by posting nothing but the bleakness of the world#things will never be right; those who've died can't be saved and we've failed them forever#which is all the more reason we can't give up and have to keep trying to make things better#because if we can never make things right; then the least we can do is try and make things better in the future#to at least stop adding to the list of people we'll never be able to fix things for#...something like that#it's bleak and I'm depressive anyway; but show must go on; you know?#so that's my thoughts here#I just feel the need to explain it sometimes; because people have a way of making assumptions#that if you don't talk about something you don't care#no... that's not it; I care; I just don't want to burn people out#and you can say they shouldn't burn out but I try to deal in practicalities and descriptivism; and people can be burned out#rather keep them in the fight to make the world better#so if there's a situation... like the George Floyd protests; that was another one where I didn't post much on it#cause we all knew... we all were paying attention and... I just figured people needed space#...I'm sad... sad more police reforms and accountability couldn't get pushed though but... at least we got something#...and I'm not gonna act like I'm some front line fighter when it comes to justice#I barely can deal with my own shit; I'm not saying I'm worth a damn thing in any cause
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The way I'm still not finished with writing the first two ideas I had in mind for this ship, I'm suddenly getting two more. 🙈🙊 Could somebody please arrange it so that I'd have all the time in the world to write it all? Because 24hrs a day is simply not enough.
#personal#for the record: i am STILL writing the first idea i got#the slow-burn just got way out of hand and i can't seem to stop this train kdjfkjkgkgk#i might actually send the first chapter soon once i'm done editing it#to the poor person/people who volunteered to check it/them for me#if they still want to give it a try lol#because i've written a lot and there's still more to come. 82 pages on google docs and counting#so it's already becoming a small novella#and i'm a little bit scared. not just for myself but for the other people involved as well#for now i've put the second idea on hold but i will continue writing it sooner or later#because i know how what to do with it. how to continue it and how to end it#but then this bitch is suddenly getting two new AUs in mind#they started jumping up and down in my brain like 'hey i think you'll like me; so why don't you write me ASAP'#and i'm like HOW. WHEN#like there's literally just 24hrs a day and there's other stuff i'm supposed to be doing too#i'm supposed to focus on my schoolwork and this is all i can think about and it's killing me for real jfkjf#priorities i has them#but muses have been kind to me and i kind of needed something like this#after feeling like shit for a long time recently#i just wish i had more TIME#anyway
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(insane post incoming) okay i've been a taylor swift re-recordings hater since the beginning but the Speak Now re-recording is making me INSANE i think it's partially just that i'm having a weird time emotionally anyway but like "Timeless" made me TEAR UP like bro WHAT like something about it being soooo essentially of that era but new like the novelty of it BONKED me over the head with a reminder of what it felt like to hear all those songs off Speak Now for the first time when i just had this IDEA of what love was & hadn't actually experienced it yet (& wouldn't for many years!!) like way before i even knew i was a lesbian just listening to taylor sing "enchanted" alone in my bedroom wondering who the guy she was singing about was & if she ever saw him again (because i was #blessed to not have internet access and therefor not know it was the dude from owl city she was singing about alsdfhaklsdhfasdh) & i remember just pouring through the little lyric booklet & its pictures & intro & mostly it was just me & the music & this picture of her in a ballgown in my head & this made up but hopeful romantic idea of what love is and like S C R E A M
#anyway i'm doing fine in case you're wondering#not to overshare but i think it's like. also because in my relationship rn we are like having to work through some things & like not even#anything out of the ordinary like just compatibility stuff that comes up for any longterm couple but we started talking about like spending#the rest of our lives together in very hypothetical way but still like really early in the relationship & now my gf is more like 'okay i#do really want to date you but i want to focus on working through these things & it feels overwhelming to talk about the longterm future rn#like not even in a way where i don't trust them & us to work through this but i'm just like. at the end of the day i guess i AM a romantic#& do have this idealized version of love that i believe in like i think that can be a bad thing (part of what kept me with my abusive hs ex#& i think it can also be a strength like i think it's NICE that i can still so clearly see & believe in a future with my gf even when we ar#working through hard stuff & when they feel overwhelmed but like. it's like is that DUMB or just like. i feel my feelings in a really inten#*intense way that i DO think is (sigh) like taylor a LITTLE BIT & it's like oh what does it mean for other people to not necessarily share#my same relationship to love like even the people you love will have a different relationship to love than you if that makes sense which li#*like duh but is also feeling like a mindfuck rn ANYWAY in conclusion i don't think my feelings are REALLY just about speak now but i DO#also think Speak Now WAS this formative text for me & represents/influenced the way i relate to love and like. SIGH. well i am thinking#about it. and i DID listen to 'timeless' on repeat & feel so emotional over it i literally felt like i was going to throw up <3#and it's objectively like not even THAT good of a song asdlfjashdfasdfahsdf#anyway hiiiii how is everyone
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Thinking about,,,, them,,,,,
Kel and Sunny,,,,
#not even romantically or platonically I am just... thinking about their vibes together#it's about keep knocking on your childhood friend's door even when you haven't seen him for 4 years bc he will move away#it's just get so excited surprise and happy that he actually openend that you're happy to drag him around the city to walk around#and do mundane things that are so much more interesting than when he is alone#it's to keep hanging out with him on the next day and the next#it's about the comfortable quietness when you're no afraid to speak your mind#and taking the knife away from his hands because you shouldn't fight w it DFGHJKJHGF#it's just..... aaaahhhhh idk I have *feelings* for those two#Kel helped Hero when he was at his lowest and he didn't even hesitated to be right there for Sunny as soon as he openned the door#does he see a bit of Hero in Sunny's sluggishness? on the tiredness in his eyes? does he sees his own sadness being reflected-#-right back at him?#does he think about the old days or he rather focus on the happiness of being together on the *present*?#Is it nostalgic? good? bittersweet? to realize he can still talk and have fun with Sunny without being too awkward as#as if they haven't grown apart?#Kel-show-us-more-than-just-your-good-feelings-challenge#For some reason I am extremely tired today and I have like a bunch of fics on the drafts to finish but now I can't stop rambling about them#anyway#kanene being kanene#I wonder if after knowing the truth sometimes Hero look at Sunny and wonder 'what if it was me and Kel?'#bc sometimes I THINK about it and ...... my heart.... ouch....#i need more fluff
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:O
#aaaaaaaahhh i missed sm on tumblr i just quickly checked some blogs and it made me sad and happy at the same time#but i rly gotta focus on studying for my exams ugh. even tho i was away on the weekend w some of my friends lol. it was so fun#i haven't had sleepovers w friends since i went to highschool which is over a decade ago#it was so good and fun even tho i didn't get a lot of sleep. but i caught up on sleep on the days since and yesterday and today ive been#feeling p energized c: today i. registered? or maybe declared is a more fitting word. that i wanna change my name and gender marker#and now i have to wait until the end of the year to actually change them. but it's in motion!#i also made an appointment for a chest ultrasound so now i just need a psychiatrist to be able to get top surgery w the surgeon i picked#i recently had a job interview for a student job as a mentor! it won't pay a lot but a bit money is more than nothing#and i enjoy being a mentor so i hope ill get the job. haven't heard back yet#also i found out that all the fellow students that i have become friends w are queer. i am friends w almost all my fellow students that#are queer except w one person. it's funny bc when we all started becoming friends we didn't know that the others were queer.#well i outed myself in front of professors and the class multiple times bc I didn't pass back then so it was obvious that im queer#but i didn't know abt the others. we all just gravitated to each other which is nice. one of them isn't even out to family or friends#at home and another one told me I'm the first person they've come out to so i feel p honored that we can be open and ourselves w each other#we watched so many queer movies and shows on the weekend i loved it#i never would've thought i'd come this far. look at me being mostly mental-illness-free medically transitioning and having a social life#being more comfortable w myself than ever#now i just gotta get a nice degree and a well paying fun job (i've had a shitty fun job before) and tackle all those medical issues i have#like exhaustion. but one step at at a time. i truly feel so good rn!! :D hope you guys are doing good as well#personal log stardate
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Vent
#i really enjoy being single and not dating actually#i dont have the time to focus on someone else#i am literally struggling enough as is#but sometimes i feel a bit lonely#not for long#but it twangs at me and then go right back#i dont love them anymore i think. at least its been smothered to low low embers#ill still be a bit hurt when they go out to sleep around again#but you know. im actually kind of at peace now#im too stressed out about school to think about my feelings or partners or anything like that.#and theyre a wonderful sexting partner so im all good#accidentally told them i loved them the way you say you love your friends ykwim#and im not even stressed about it#i hope they werent either. i do love them. i dont know if i love love them. but i know that i love them.#maybe the fact that theyre too fucked up from everything to really flirt with me like before is contributing to my feelings going down#i mean i do still think about them at least a couple times a day and i simp for them too much#but not at all like before. i wonder if they notice it#i love you. i love you. i love you.#its weird to call you a friend because to me youre more than that. best friend isnt true either. i guess you just ... are#no need to put words on it since i know my thoughts on it doesnt match yours. you dont have these kinda distinctions.#youre amazing. i wish i could be like you. i hate you with my whole soul. its horrible. i love you. fuck you i hope you smash your face in
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i NEED to take a break from work
#the bin#:/ hhhhh.#well. i think i can take a break in the second half of march#if my next paycheck is big enough and my sister pays me back soo like she said she would then i will request like 10 days off#im tryna get my life fixed. it was doing ok for a bit but my apartment being a mess makes it hard#im gonna try to get that fixed asap. i was preoccupied with a new source of stress this past week but its gone now i think#idk. there was time recently when i was cooking food nearly every day even thevdays i worked and being more functional and i wanna#get back to that but my apartment is just too big a mess for me to do it#well. hopefully i can actually do it. i always feel like work is gonna totally drain me but my job is really ok#idk why i so often have this stress reaction to going to work :/ its so stupid#i dont wanna use my requested time off just to clean so i wanna get stuff cleaned before i take time off#i just really need a mental health break. im dealing with way too much stuff and i need a preplanned proper break#theres so much stuff im tryna fix. i hate having all this mess on top of it. i hate that my sister just completely ditched me and left it#for me to clean up myself#i wanna be completely free of her altogether#i wanna focus on fixing my weird brain issues. not all this trash. hhhh.w#i wanna ditract myslef but my brain is like incapable of enjoying anything without making me feel weird. i hate it. i git into some stuff#more recently and my brain did the thing again where it makes me feel cringe for it. why?? i hate it so much. thinsg are either boring to me#or i REALLY like them and my brain makes me feel weird abt it. i just wanna escape from reality but my brain makes it so hard to
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