#these album choices make me look gay angry and sad

[crumb]

the NO-SKIP albums: a tag game 🎶💖

rules: share the albums that you can listen to nonstop. those lightning in a bottle-albums that scratch ur brain just right. every single track, an absolute banger. u could not skip one if u tried. no notes. stunning, show-stopping, immaculate. ur no-skip albums.

🔎 bonus & optional (but imo, v fun) rules: 1) add a track rec for us to listen to! AND 2) share ur favorite line(s) from that track! 👀

This was so hard!! There are so so so many albums not included but I think 15 albums is enough to where I look crazy but not tooooo crazy (doubtful) and I wanted to make it somewhat varied genre-wise. A lot of these artists have like multiple no-skip albums as well so picking between them was extra difficult—on some I went with the underrated favourite of mine to mix it up. I don't know! It's kinda all over the place. Thank you so much to @ventiswampwater, @visceravalentines, @avrilsboy, & @actualfucking for tagging me!!! 🥹 I think there were a few others who tagged me but then removed my tag, probably because they saw I was tagged by others lol, so thank you to those ppl too!!<333

Tagging: @xoxo-gossipghoul (& anyone else! I think most people have done this at this point? But if you’re reading this and haven’t been tagged yet then this is me tagging you!!! lol) Album List & Track Rec:

🏴 Damaged — Black Flag (1981)

track rec: Police Story

↳ This fucking city / Is run by pigs / They take the rights away / From all the kids

🪑 Songs from The Big Chair — Tears for Fears (1985)

track rec: Mothers Talk

↳ It's not that you're not good enough / It's just that we can make you better / Given that you pay the price / We can keep you young and tender / Following the footsteps of a funeral pyre / You were paid not to listen now your house is on fire

💀 Collection I & II — Misfits (1986/1995)

track rec: Mommy, Can I Go Out and Kill Tonight?

↳ Rip the veins from human necks until they're wet with life / Razor-blades love teenage flesh, an epidermoty / I'll bring back a souvenir, for it's my mommy's dream

🍊 No Doubt — No Doubt (1992)

track rec: Trapped in a Box

↳ Ah trapped in a box my life becomes void / And all of the thought for myself's now destroyed / Controlling my mind, what to eat, what to buy / Subliminal rules: how to live, how to die / Trapped in a box

🌙 Dreaming of You — Selena (1995)

track rec: God’s Child (Baila Conmigo) (Ft. David Byrne)

↳ God makes us dream / But won't set us free / Hey, hey, hey, hey / God calls us dance to songs we can't hear / Hey, hey, hey, hey

🌊 Tidal — Fiona Apple (1996)

track rec: Sullen Girl

↳ And there's too much going on / But it's calm under the waves in the blue of my oblivion / Under the waves in the blue of my oblivion

🦷 The Distillers — The Distillers (2000)

track rec: Red Carpet & Rebellion

↳ The palace dialed in the streets were burning / The red horizon came crashing through the morning / There was no contentment, only bloodshed / Red blood and social discontent / Bruised by puritan, oh, puritan exempt / It's like a peasant uprising

🦋 Greatest Hits — Mariah Carey (2001)

track rec: When You Believe (Mariah Carey & Whitney Houston)

↳ They don't always happen when you ask / And it's easy to give in to your fears / But when you're blinded by your pain / Can't see your way clear through the rain / A small but still, resilient voice / Says hope is very near

😈 Antics — Interpol (2004)

track rec: Not Even Jail

↳ I pretend like no one else to try control myself / I'm subtle like a lion's cage / Such a cautious display / Remember take hold of your time here / Give some meanings to the means / To your end / Not even jail

🌆 The City Sleeps in Flames — Scary Kids Scaring Kids (2005)

track rec: The World as We Know It

↳ A virus known as rage / Is brutal in destroying / And spreading all over the place / Bleeding culture / The dying nation / When the money controls the tide / We won't get another chance this time / We won't get a second chance this time

🎺 Back to Black — Amy Winehouse (2006)

track rec: Some Unholy War

↳ If my man was fightin' some unholy war / I would be behind him / Straight shook up beside him with strength / He didn't know, it's you I'm fightin' for / He can't lose with me in tow (With me in tow) / I refuse to let him go (To let him go) / At his side and drunk on pride / We wait for the blow

🎸 Favourite Worst Nightmare — Arctic Monkeys (2007)

track rec: Teddy Picker

↳ And it's the thousandth time that it's even bolder / Don't be surprised when you get bent over / They told you, but you were gaggin' for it

3️⃣ Three Vol. 1 — Joel Plaskett (2009)

track rec: Gone, Gone, Gone

↳ In the middle of a lonely night / Got caught in the hallway light / For a minute you were gettin' close / I suspect I've seen a ghost / In the middle of a highway dream / You got caught in the headlight beam / Down the road with your tired eyes / Good old boys with your old goodbyes

🫙 Ignore the Ignorant — The Cribs (2009)

track rec: Emasculate Me

↳ Spent all this time chasing happy / But happy is boring to me / So put walls around our misery / And gently emasculate me

🧱 Brutalism — IDLES (2018)

track rec: Exeter

↳ It seems like no-one cares / I think I'll take the stairs / 'Cause nothing ever / He punched himself in the face / To prove he wasn't gay / 'Cause nothing ever happens

[aurora-daily]

Mother Earth’s Warrior

Interview: Aurora for The Line of Best Fit by Cheri Amour (September 28th, 2018)

Norway’s greatest pop export, AURORA speaks to Cheri Amour about her not-so-difficult second album and why it opens up a forest of thought for our future preservation.

There have long been popular culture characters in our midst hell-bent on saving the planet. Healing the world and making it a better place, for you and me and the entire human race. But there’s something different about AURORA Aksnes, better known as million-streamed Norwegian singer/songwriter, AURORA. Her latest release, Infections of A Different Kind, puts Mother Earth at its heart.

It feels fitting then to be sat in one of London’s luscious parks together, AURORA decked out in green amongst the evergreen sipping on her coconut water. She is slight but by no means shy and constantly alert, throwing out relatable anecdotes that seem to be skipping through her mind as she scans her surroundings. Her eyes are shining bright, often looking outwards rather than directly at me. Instead, she is constantly seeking out the sky, the clouds, darting at the path of a pigeon, beaming at a small child opposite us on another table. At one point, she becomes distracted by my stationary choices (“I have the same pen but in green”) and is immediately back in the bustling streets of gay Paris where she made the purchase, with her underlying care and compassion for all things, living or otherwise. “I should’ve brought mine and they’ve could’ve spoken”.

It’s been over two years since the singer sprang onto our stereos like a forest-spirit from the Bergen mountains with her debut EP, Running With Wolves. But whilst her musical mission might be led by a bold vision for a brighter future, her present still looks pretty rosy with debut full-length, All My Demons Greeting Me As A Friend racking up a massive 200 million streams globally. It’s an almost magical might for an artist who only celebrated her 22nd birthday this year. But on speaking with AURORA, her emotional intelligence is undeniable. “I know the world is not a fairy tale and we’re just doing our best…” she happily admits, an astute admission for someone so renowned for her enchanting pop gems.

For the Bergen-based artist though, her strength clearly comes from the collective power of change rather than the sole-creator. She often refers more holistically to an issue than nitpicking specifics. Indeed, it’s this rallying sense of collective change that has gifted AURORA such a solid fan base of “warriors and weirdos” from the depths of South America to the smaller towns and cities of Australia. “It’s so important to fight for the things you care about”, she continues. “They have proven they can do that. They share my message. They stand up for me. If one person disagrees with what I do, they go to war”.

It reminds me of another story of a similarly impassioned figure wanting to make collective change in their world. Often admired as the crowning work of Japanese animation master Hayao Miyazaki and his Studio Ghibli, Princess Mononoke powerfully paints the struggle between the gods of a forest and the humans who consume its resources. And, it seems unbeknownst to Ghibli at the time, over 20 years on from its original release, that same spirit hasn’t been lost in Infections of A Different Kind.

Her relationship with nature is woven throughout, a sort of Hansel and Gretel style breadcrumb trail through her mind’s eye of the world around us. Much like Ghibli’s tale which finds the main protagonist locked in a struggle for the future of the unspoiled forest and an elaborate moral universe, the sophomore record is rooted in Mother Earth. “We are killing incredible beauty without even knowing that we’ve already killed so much”, she reflects, her fingers playing with a small burgundy, woven scarf. It looks homemade, thin and narrow, entwined around her small hands. “We’ve killed entire species of animals. We’ve killed possibilities of making medicine. We’ve killed people”, she pauses, clearly upset by the thoughts. “It makes me sad because I know the planet will live. She will outlive us all and we will die because we’re just tiny ants on her big skin”.

But despite her worry, life and death feel like a natural cycle for AURORA, as you might expect from someone so clued up on the climate. She speaks confidently about nature’s balance, preferring the pragmatic output of an organism rather than anything overly fussy which could also be true of the sounds she makes. “I don’t really like flowers that much. They’re too pretty for their own good. People pick them and they get to die inside a vase”. If she were a flower, AURORA would be a dried white rose, perfectly encapsulated within a moment of time; pure, classic and radiating humility. Meanwhile, lavender for its medicinal properties and affection to bees gets a glowing write up. “That’s my favourite thing about Mother Earth actually”, she explains. “All the knowledge and all that she provides us; the fruit, the medicine. That’s why we need the rainforest but we tear it down”.

Only recently have we seen the devastating effects of illegal logging in the Papua New Guinea forests which provide a home for many of its unique species. Most timbers from New Guinea and its offshore islands are processed in China before being sold around the world, largely for use in furniture and flooring. Likewise, in the Amazon around 17% of the forest has been lost in the last 50 years, mostly due to forest conversion for cattle ranching. Sadly it’s the global brand giants causing most of the destruction with Greenpeace releasing a recent report that identified major palm olive producers such as Unilever, Nestlé, Colgate-Palmolive, and Mondelez, have destroyed an area of rainforest almost twice the size of Singapore in less than three years. The problem is, much like the Native American saying, what will happen after the last tree has fallen and the rivers have been poisoned?

Live favourite, "The Seed" encapsulates this idea. Her vocal is moving, selflessly offering herself up to restore what humanity has destroyed: “Suffocate me / So my tears can be rain / I will water the ground where I stand / So the flowers can grow back again”. "The Seed" acts like the nucleus of change for AURORA. It’s the birth of something. It’s thought or an act or a movement. “It’s the beginning of everything”, she explains, enthused. “The way the seed lies underground with no sun, nothing, darkness but it knows where to go and then it breaks through the stone, the mountain, asphalt, and earth. All these things they came from down there”, she insists, pointing at a nearby flower bed at which point her gaze is caught by a fluttering pigeon on the roof. After a few seconds, she apologises: “The pigeons are so distracting”.

Conversation turns to her own beginnings, painting a picture of her home back in Norway which sounds like something straight out of a Lord of The Rings novel. A fjord carved out by glaciers in the ice ages with a little island in the middle of it that she would often take a small kayak out to and sleep overnight on in the summer when the sun rarely sets. “On one of them lives quite an angry goat so don’t go there. He’s like a proper…”, she gesticulates the animal’s horns with her hands by her ears. “He’s intense. All the other ones are fine”, she laughs. The open water feels like it is a bit of a theme to her early years, spending much of her childhood on sailboats of some varieties, not surprising for a country that has the kind of tight relationship with water that Brits have with tea. Whether it's coastline, fjord, lake or river, water is everywhere in Norway and Norwegians make the most of it. Her father sailed the seas for four years in a row before she was born, she tells me proudly.

The other towering backdrop to her youth were those sturdy mountains and an ambitious walking regime. The latter almost certainly a contributing factor to her ingenuity and appreciation of the rambling flora and fauna so prevalent in her songwriting today. “We’d go for mountain hikes at least four times a week”, she states, matter of factly. “You bring some chocolate with bread and cheese to eat at the top. It’s kind of what you do together with your Mum’s friend and her kid, you know?” Perhaps not the same as growing up in the flatlands of Norfolk, I admit. “Well, it’s very normal in Norway, especially Bergen because you have the mountains everywhere”, she continues. There’s a mountain in every city at least. In every village. And in my village, we only have eight neighbours, there’s only us living there. And I look at the water and I have the forest behind me. She openly sighs and takes a moment, transporting herself back to the shimmering open waters, stood with lungs full of the fresh mountain air.

Surrounded by such a magical setting, it’s not surprising that AURORA tries to create a kingdom of her own for listeners. The first hint at the new record, former single “Queendom” is dedicated to “everything that’s alive”. Insistent that “Queendom” should be a place “with only love”, the song is also a celebration of our differences with an open innocence that tries to find the best in all of us. Again, Ghibli’s own ethical ethos rings true here, with Princess Mononoke heralded as for its ability to make heroes of outsiders and blurring the stereotypes that usually define such characters. It’s the same for AURORA. She is an artist breaking down huge barriers around inclusivity which shine through “Queendom”’s electro-pulse and call-to-arms. “It’s very much about giving hope, like being given the tools to become a warrior, a fighter to deal with the now. Not an escape but a way to really stay in the present, and make a change”.

Directed by Paris-based, Polish-Australian Director King Burza, the single’s video finds Aurora bathed in natural light exploring the cavernous surrounds of an old country home, the dappled light falling on her through the beaten window frames. She leaps through the high-ceiling hallways in flowing white cotton, much like the lyrics suggest, as our lamb. The pulsing chorus beat kicks in with a procession of women dancers weaving behind her arms like the Shiva herself, the fierce warrior Goddess. With Scandinavia often heralded for its gender parity, it’s not surprising that a huge part of “Queendom”’s rallying cry is being channeled into some sort of feminist anthem but as AURORA herself says: “it’s much more than that. I want it to be a song for people in need”.

“I began writing for Infections of A Different Kind the day after my first album was released...it’s good when it’s fresh when you’re still like a predator. You can still smell the blood from the prey."

With its timely post-#metoo-era release, it’s not surprising that there’s a strong focus on the strength of women in here though as well as flipping assumed gender norms and empowering an army, as she sings: “The women will be my soldiers / With the weight of life on their shoulders”. It’s an element of Nordic folklore that really spoke to her warrior instincts. “I like that it was often the women that hunted. When the men went out on a journey to kill and steal, the women stayed and were the boss which is kind of cool”. Similarly, she sees herself played back to her in scrappy forest-dwelling nymphs, the Huldra. “They had messy hair like I had when I was a child”, she jokes.

Propelled by our comparisons, talk turns into a bit of an education in Norwegian children’s tales as she boasts that many of them centre around a troll. Whether that’s a troll turning to stone in the sun before it eats the children or the story of a young boy from the village who challenges the troll to a porridge-eating contest. Tactfully tying his knapsack to his belly, the boy scoops more porridge into the bag than he eats himself and then, once full, slashes it open encouraging the troll to do the same so they can power through the porridge. Fooled by the boy, the troll cuts his stomach and dies leaving all of the gold and silver in the cave for the boy to take home to pay off his family debts. “Then you have the troll mother who has put her eleven troll children to bed. That’s the first song I sang when I was two years old in my Mum’s blue kitchen”, she recalls. A newborn with pink cheeks begins to whimper to its Mum on the table next to us now which lures the singer’s attention away for a fleeting moment, her mouth fixed in a wide-open smile. “Sorry, babies and pigeons. Very distracting”, she reasons.

After the brief introduction to Norwegian folklore, it feels apt to ask around the production of the new record which took place in a fairytale studio-cum-chateau somewhere in the South of France. Positioned in a vineyard surrounded by animals and a pond, the castle sounds like the right kind of pastoral setting for such a life-affirming record. AURORA details an almost Beauty And The Beast-like existence there, holed up in the huge house’s halls and libraries for just over a month. Chef Marie cooked a three-course meal, three times a day whilst the dog Paula and cat, Ginger amble through the corridors.

It becomes clear quite quickly that AURORA hasn’t faced the difficult second album syndrome. “I began writing for it the day after my first album was released because then the first album had been done already for four months”, she beams. “That’s why I always begin right after I release right after my previous thing. I begin on the next”. A natural hunter, she adds: “It’s good when it’s fresh when you’re still like a predator. You can still smell the blood from the prey. And you’re kind of just running after it and you know where to go, that’s how I felt”.

It was a fairly natural process then? “I found it way easier than the first because I really knew what I wanted. I’ve always known since I was an embryo what I want and now I have the tools to make it happen. I know how to produce, and how to play more instruments. I played the drums and the rhythms. The multi-instrumentalist played drums on all of the songs on Infections of A Different Kind, actually, it’s kind of a new passion for her. “I love it. It’s very energetic and you get quite tired afterward which I love. I love the feeling of exhausting myself”, she grins.

"I have my own dream language which half of the population understands...a fourth...an eleventh so I also had to learn things myself because I am the only one who can know."

Adding to her workload, AURORA took up a lot of the production duties on the record too which makes a powerful statement in a world for far too many women artists are corralled into working with male producers. She’s not afraid to tackle this in her own terms, often struggling to articulate what she wanted using the technical language, the singer offers up her own alternative parallels: “Make it sound like water or bellyache”. “I realised I don’t have the technical language. I have my own dream language which half of the population understands...a fourth...an eleventh so I also had to learn things myself because I am the only one who can know”. She’s adamant that crafting her music, much like her new love of drums, is one of her biggest pleasures. The ability to realise her imagined worlds into reality gives her a certain sense of belonging which, in the future, might remain a constant more so than the live show. “If there’s one thing I’ll do less of, you know in forty years, it’s touring. But not studio, I’ll always be there”, she adds resolutely.

But despite her preference, she knows the power of sharing her songs with her legion of fans and she confesses many of the new numbers have already made it into the live set. “I think at one point it was maybe a bit too many. I like all my songs better live just because of the energy so it’s always nice to know that the fans will get to experience that first”. And that’s exactly what AURORA has tried to do with the release schedule of the record, teasing one more single out last week ahead of today’s full-length. The stark opener of “Churchyard” finds AURORA’s sincere vocal layered over one another and doused in reverb as a solemn strings section soothes in with a morbid twang as she questions the fine balance between life and love. You can almost see the arms flailing theatrics of similarly environmental leaning, Kate Bush against the beat.

Indeed, AURORA isn’t the first artist looking to heal the world with their humanitarian ideals. Pop’s biggest ally, Cher donated more than 180,000 bottles of water to Flint, Michigan, in the middle of the city's clean-water crisis. Grammy Award-winning, Rihanna was named Harvard Humanitarian of the Year back in 2017 for her philanthropic efforts after funding the build of a state-of-the-art centre for oncology and nuclear medicine to diagnose and treat breast cancer in her home nation of Barbados. Infections of A Different Kind stands united with Mother Earth almost as a vocal shining a floodlight on the dire situation we’ve left her in.

At this point, playing with the tousled strands of her hair, AURORA is whisked off for another meeting and disappears into the trees of Holland Park, much like the Huldra into the Norwegian forest. Just from spending an hour with her, it’s clear how much the Norwegian songwriter cherishes real connections with the people she meets and is keen to create a shared space where we can all co-exist together; new technologies alongside sustainable ecosystems. Without national treasure, David Attenborough preaching about the plastics in our oceans, it’s sometimes easy for us to cut out the stark realities of climate change. But high up in those Norwegian mountains, with her ear to the wind, AURORA hears it all and is ready to lead.

Forget Princess Mononoke, AURORA is our modern day pop royalty.

Infections of A Different Kind is out now on Decca Records.

[spaceorphan18]

TDB Rewatch: Duets

I had a brilliant steak fajita dinner tonight made from scratch.  That has nothing to do with Glee, I just wanted to share, because it was super enjoyable to eat while watching such a brilliant episode. 

I’m a little surprised it’s an Ian Brennan episode - because for the most part, he writes the episodes from RIB I don’t like at all - but TV is a collaborative thing, so maybe he had helped.  The thing that just blows me away about this episode every time I come to it is that all the story lines are so nicely weaved all together. This is great writing - and they’re able to balance their very huge cast in a fantastic way.  This is so much Glee at its very best.  

I’m also noticing a trend, too, with season two that I want to watch closely.  Sue was completely absent in this one, and Will was a minor character - pushing along the narrative via the competition, but his drama is not around for this one.  This story is solely about the kids and their interactions with each other, and I think because of all of that it really shines, as there’s so many interesting things going on within the dynamic of this group.  So far, the weaker episodes have been ones that have heavily featured Will (and kinda Sue) - hence the lopsided nature of season two.  

Anyway, thoughts: 

Really, I can’t say enough the writing is so brilliant in this one (with the exception of the ridiculous narrative surrounding Finchel and why they should lose).  The thing is, all of the kids have something to do, and all of their plots are connected in this big web, and it’s just so cool to look at.  

Let’s start with Kurt, whom I love and have talked much about his story.  This episode is so hard for him, the angst over Sam!!, caring for his dad, trying to go on even when people are beating him down -- I just love it, and I’m bouncing on the edge of my seat waiting to get to Never Been Kissed.  You’re almost there sweetie!!

Le Jazz Hot is an amazing performance, and I grin every time I watch it.  

I love Rachel watching Kurt throughout this episode (and earlier ones).  One nice thing about Hummelberry (tbh) is that I do think it lets Rachel care for someone other than herself.  I mean, she still sees a lot of Kurt in herself (and they are alike).  But there’s a kind, kindred spirit thing going on here.  (I kind of like this dynamic more than the “platonic souldmates” thing we get later on - yes there is a difference.)  

Happy Days/Get Happy is one of my favorite duets on the show - it’s just so amazing.  I can’t gush about it enough. 

Finchel was entertaining! Their reason for throwing the competition was a bit ridiculous, and made no sense but at least they were entertaining.  

Even the Finchel duets were stronger than in season 1 - probably because there’s been less of them, and also because Cory grew as a singer.  Still -- they were my least favorite duets of the episode.  Sorry guys. 

Finn still feels a little out of line telling Kurt essentially that he’s an awful choice of partner because of who he is.  I realize this stems from criticisms of Kurt’s S1 story line, but it still rubs me the wrong way.  I’m glad Sam called him out on being shitty.  

SAM! He’s really utterly delightful and sweet here.  He and Quinn really don’t make any sense, and I can see why it fizzled out quickly, but they do have a nice musical quality to them.  Lucky was sweet.  (and oh the Kurt looks) 

Quinn is such a smart cookie.  She’s very good in her intuition.  Shame the narrative never really knew what to do with her.  

Puck’s in Juvie for the episode (because Mark was being punished for releasing an album not on Fox’s (or whoevers) term).  The show was fine without him.  

It’s funny to me that Brittana really starts up here - only to be dropped for about ten episodes.  Their scenes work well and are a bit racy for as ‘gay’ as they are.  I’m surprised they were allowed it (though if you watch, they never actually kiss).  

Santana as an angry, closeted woman makes sense.  

Brittany has more feelings than she’s given credit for.  She does care about Santana, and she does care about Artie.  And I think sex means something to her, actually, even if it’s in a different way than others.  

It’s Brittany and Artie time folks.  I should have an opinion.  But I kinda don’t.  

There’s this weird little subplot in the beginning of season 2 about Artie trying to get over Tina.  I never really noticed it before.  Huh.  The show cared more than I thought it did.  

Mike and Tina! Tina still has slight feelings for Artie.  Mike and Tina are having issues that will eventually be what breaks them up.  (The show could have really done something other than put an “they’re Asian” label on them and forget about it - because that’s a little what it feels like here.)  But they have a great duet in Sing! - and it’s a nice little moment for them since they don’t get a lot of them. 

Santana’s having a hard time in this episode, too, interestingly.  

My god Santana and her love of Breadstix is totally hilarious. 

Mercedes is really sad at the beginning of this episode - which I think stems a little from the previous episode, and the fact that Kurt seems preoccupied with his own issues.  It makes me sad for her. 

I wish Mercedes and Santana had been allowed to form a stronger friendship while they were in high school.  It would have made the Treble Tones stuff in s3 feel a little stronger.  

I think I got everyone, right?  

Anyway - this episode is just. so. good.  Are we at Blaine yet?  Do we really need to watch Rocky Horror?!? Ug. 

[theproofinthisong]

i really wanna support liam. i really do. the hate (or indifference, which is better, but still...not great) directed against him, fueled often by his own fandom, always made me so mad. i was always the first to defend liam when i felt pointing the finger at him wasn’t fair, which was happening a lot during the 1d days and his solo career. he always felt like the perfect person to put all the blame on, even and especially when he did nothing. i feel like a lot of the liam hate wasn’t and isn’t motivated by real reasons. people just want to hate on him because it is easy. bullying him when he was kid and continuing to do so when he finally feels good about himself. and i wanna be clear. i will never stand for this kind of behavior. all the bad feelings i have right now doesn’t change the fact that i will NEVER accept people mocking liam for his appearance, his choice of clothes or the style of music he wants to make. i will never accept people denying the importance and significance he had in 1D, in lot of the songwriting and creation. that will never change. but loving liam doesn’t mean i have to give him a pass when he fucks up.

all of the boys did really problematic things once. you can deny it all you want, but it’s true. that doesn’t mean you cannot still love them. but you can’t pretend they never did mistakes in the first place. the thing is...you have to acknowledge the hurt you did. some of them did. some of them didn’t and some part of me is still expecting they’ll fix it, because it’s important. most of the things i found problematic in regards to the boys were done years ago. it doesn’t make it okay. but it shows they grew. and i really believe liam can grow out of this. i have faith in him. but in order to grow, you have to see your mistake. and fans sugarcoating the whole thing doesn’t help. at all.

both ways is not only a bad song. it’s an infuriating song. i can’t even believe it was approved. probably because liam’s team is full of men and they didn’t even care. they didn’t care about all the bi and lesbian girls they were going to hurt with this and they didn’t care about liam either because otherwise they would have stopped this from ever coming out. it would have been purely out of interest and money reasons but at least us liam fans wouldn’t have had to listen to this atrocity of a song. 

before both ways came out, i already knew it was going to be about bisexuality. and i was excited. because i trusted liam with it. with all the stunt shit we’ve been fed for years, i know how to seperate fake liam from real liam. i never believed he was this stupid and homophobic prick they were selling us. i mean. liam always supported louis and harry. he loved all the rainbows at the shows. he wrote home with louis. he made tons of flirty jokes to men without the slightest hint of mockery. and his relationship with zayn, whether you believe in ziam or not, was constant flirty touch and affection. liam always hugged him and the boys. he was tender with them and he didn’t see it as a weakness. so yeah, i trusted him with this. 

both ways made me so sad and angry. i was expecting a bi anthem or a least a cute gay bop. but what i got? another song fetishizing wlw and their attraction to girls for shock and hotness points. i mean it’s not like we already had TONS of these (the rita ora song, the weekend’s one, katy’s perry i kissed a girl and others...). and this one is so fucking graphic it made me puke. not that i’m against graphic imagery in general (medicine is one of my fave songs from HS1) but i am, surely, when it’s used to fetishize us and turn my community into a fantasy or a porn scenario.

 and that’s what both ways is all about. taking advantage of your girl’s bisexuality to live your dream of a threesome. using it when it benefits you and pretending it is just a phase otherwise because i mean...girls need the dick. they just need it. i will dive once into the lyrics in details because it made sad enough listening to it ONE TIME but look at them. they’re just transparent. 

the sexual aspect of it is at the center of song. i mean the word foreplay comes up in the THIRD line. as if a women’s bisexuality always has to do with sex. the whole thing is so fucking biphobic. the gut of writing “i don’t discriminate” and then making this song which is one of the most biphobic things i’ve ever heard? and the other writer saying it isn’t a threesome song?? how can you lie like that? look at the lyrics!! “nothing but luck that she got me involved/flipping that body you go head i got tails/sharing that body like it’s our last meal”?? how on earth are these lines not related to a couple having sex with another girl because it’s the man’s dream? in case you didn’t know it’s BLALANTLY there. the man (liam, in this case) literally says this: “who else do you wanna invite/never too much hands on your body/ and you’re all mine”. i’m BARFING. this is so fucking biphobic. the promiscuous greedy bisexual girl trope. the man insisting on the fact that she will always belong to him and the girls she has relatonships with are just one night stands he’s participating in. and as if it wasn’t enough it ends with this infamous part: “she says we’re young and we’re stupid/come on watch me while we do this/make everyday my birthday/ let’s celebrate she do things you won’t believe”. it just sums it all up. the phase and being young and not knowing what you want and messing with girls because it’s hot and wild but you’re still straight at the end of the day. the verse making it all about him when it should be about her. and once again, the hypersexualisation. it’s a disaster.

so yeah, being bisexual, this song hurted me deeply. i forced myself to listen to the whole album to support liam but my heart wasn’t in it. i was so shocked and disappointed. we don’t know everything that happened behind the scenes. one thing i can’t blame liam for is the song being even more creepy with maya being underage. i really don’t believe it’s a real relationship. liam’s team always put him in these weird ships with age difference and i don’t believe he has control over that. 

i also believe this wasn’t the album liam wanted to make. it doesn’t sound like him. there are like...5 songs out of the 17 i like there. the ep was a masterpiece. and liam promoted it. he loved it. he didn’t even bother with this one. it was delayed just like louis’  for other reasons. i don’t believe he had much creative input in this and i’m sad the album went on the low like that. i mean his team didn’t even speak a word. LOUIS promoted him. not his team. not liam himself. and i’m sad for him. he’s an incredible vocalist and a great songwriter and none of these two aspects showed in the album. it was barely talked about. out of ot4, liam was always the most underrated one (in terms of fandom) and that saddens me. 

but i can’t let all of this change what i’m thinking. i’m not going to shut my mouth and say this song is okay. it isn’t and people need to see it. i don’t know how much liam was involved. but he was. and being involved in this kind of stuff, no matter the percentage, is terrible. all of the articles now aren’t about his album being good. it’s about fans being angry over both ways. and i saw some liam fans saying it wasn’t fair. but this time, i’m sorry, it was. i’m glad people did not let it happen without saying things. this kind of songs hurt our community. and we won’t stay silent. now that the song is released, the harm is done. being a larrie, i know some people are pulling up the strings. they could have just...not released it out ot the hundred songs (and better ones) liam wrote. they didn’t. i’m sad he has a team that doesn’t care about him and is actually sabotaging him more than helping him. i hope it will change. because i love liam.

i won’t cancel him not only because he did so much for me but also because i believe in second chances. in certain cases. i don’t in others (rape and sexual assault for example). i don’t want him to have suicidal tendencies again (i had these and acted on them so trust me i know) but guilt tripping wlw who are rightly angered by the song is disgusting. liam has mental health issues and i hope he’ll get the help he needs. i will be there with him every step of the way. but having a mental illness or struggles doesn’t give you a pass to be biphobic. liam openly supported justin bieber after he confessed to abuse on twitter. he said very icky stuff about race two years ago and about gender recently. most of it comes from ignorance. i don’t believe one second if he was educated on it he would have said those things. he’ll get there. but it will never happen if we pretend it doesn’t exist.

[chaseprice]

I WAS TAGGED TWICE TO DO THIS THANG (thank you @explosionshark​ and @morhdd​ Answer 11 questions, tag 11 people. write 11 questions for them to answer.

bri’s questions

1. what movies were you obsessed with as a kid?

fuckin. THE IRON GIANT. and pocahontas. 

2. have you ever been able to get over any fears?

yeah. i’ve worked through a lot of fears that were as a result of anxiety in the past couple years. i managed to break off friendships that were detrimental to me; always something i was scared of. i came out. i was scared of that. also i kinda got over my fear of getting injections? (blood getting taken tho - no way.)

3. do you prefer seeing a movie in theaters or watching at home?

mmmm... theaters.

4. what was the first cd you bought for yourself?

bought for Myself? fuck. i used to rent pop party CDs from the library because i thought it was cool at the time? sdfjh

5. what’s your favorite thing about the place you live?

i don’t like a lot about my hometown, but i guess i like that its surrounded by fields and nature. i love where i live the rest of the time because my city has so much going on. especially in the music scene. idk i just love my city

6. what would you do if you won the lottery tomorrow?

have an existential crisis probably?

7. what’s your favorite meal to make?

thai green curry & rice maybe...... 

8. what have you done this year that you’re proud of?

Came Out! Passed All My Exams! Made Cool Friends! Continued To Get Over Bunch Of Anxiety Problems! Embraced My Identity! Got Closer With People! Moved Out (Again)!

9. what are you really looking forward to right now?

FUCKIGNG JULIEn BAKER FUFFFFFF BOTHE RRFFMOF FUCK

also pride. and a bunch of other cool plans for this year

10. what genre of film does your life feel like?

like  a shitty indie film that u absolutely hate the protag of and it just needs to end already adgjgdh

11. what do you wish more people knew about you?

the lengths i’d go to for my friends. (for irl people specifically: how fuckin sad and stupit and angry i get w myself sometimes and that it doesn’t reflect any of my feelings for individual people. also how gay i am)

ramona’s questions  (I Fucked up the formatting here oops sorry)

favorite game you’ve played recently? i’ve been playing stardew valley n thats the only game ive played recently (except the demo for dishonored 2 but my pc doesnt rly like it) and it’s super cute but i got distracted and haven’t got back to it. smh

is there a band/artist/album you’ve been really stuck on lately? YEAH FUCKIN GREAT GRANDPA’S NEW ALBUM (thanks bri) BUT EVEN MORESO: PILLOW QUEENS ???? JUST DISCOVERED THEM THEY’RE SO GOOD i love Rats especially

do you have a favorite show of all time? uhhhhhhh no these questions too hard ramona. probably not. but i do like better call saul it’s okay. every good gay show i enjoy betrays me somehow. like scream and skam. skam didnt neecsarily do anything bad BUT THEY COULDVE BEEN BETTER. GIMME WLW. i was so obsessed with it tho, truly was my fave show ever at  a point

favorite canon fictional couple? oh bb. pricefield

if you could visit anywhere where would you go? fuck this. everywhere. v desp for a US roadtrip when i graduate tho

would you want to stay in the place you’d like to visit? o fuck this. IDKKKK

any particularly embarrassing fandom memories that you’re far enough removed from that you’d admit to? YEAH LIKE EVERYTHING I EVER SAID OR DID IN THE GTA V FANDOM .... I WAS SO WEIRD AND PETTY AND STRAIGHT

top three ships at this moment? chaseprice amberprice emrey (THEY WHO IM THINKIN BOUT RN doesnt mean theyre.... da best)

top three bands at this moment? ok. im gonna make this five and pretend the two bands i mentioned up there ^^ are in the list. these are just recent btw not best ever. JOYCE MANOR bc i was listenin to them a lot before my gig, THE SPOOK SCHOOL !!!!! and idk. perfume genius

i am seriously dying coming up with questions, how are you doing today? i’m okay but i’m too warm here in this stuffy room. how u doing ramona?

YOUR CHOICE YOU CAN SAY ANYTHING YOU WANT IN THIS SPACE I BELIEVE IN YOU YOU’RE GONNA DO GREAT. lgbtQ+ art and music and talent is the BEST and to be CHERISHED AND VALUED for EVER!!!!

AIIIGHTTTT so my 11 questions:

1. what have you been thinking about a lot lately? 2. what was the weather like where you are today? 3. you wanna meet with a close friend to catch up. do you go to a little café during the day and chat, do you go out somewhere at night time to a bar/party, do you go to one of each other’s places and order takeout -- what ideally happens? 4. what’s a really embarrassing childhood memory? 5. when you’re talking with people, what is a topic that will always make you cringe/feel FEAR if someone starts talking about it? 6. if you were to be famous, what would you wanna be famous for? 7. is there somebody you know who was an inspiration to you in any regard, or still is, that doesn’t know about it? if so, who? 8. what thing/s are you looking forward to before the year ends? 9. what do you do at new years? 10. who were the last two bands/singers you listened to, and which would you rather be offered free concert tickets for? 11. what material/texture do you like the feel of most?

i tag. @fortzancudo @drugru @borosouro (liddie if ur readin this i dont kno what ur url is gfhkfd) @sneffing @rachelambr @lesbianmikewheeler @maxcaulfield @gaymermutual @recourse-ao3 @the-insufferable @thestarryskiesofpalaven

[shadychildgentlemen-blog]

Book of Love by Book of Love, a review (1986)

What better way to start reviewing albums than to review a debut album? Yes, welcome to my Tumblr page, where I review albums! The debut album that I will be reviewing is Book of Love’s self-titled album, released in 1986. First, let me tell you about the band. THE BAND Book of Love was a synthpop group that was very active from the mid-1980s, until the early 1990s. The band comprised of Lead Vocalist Susan Ottaviano, keyboardists Ted Ottaviano (not at all related to Susan), Jade Lee and Lauren Roselli, in which they formed the group in 1983. They aren’t really a synthpop group that is reminisced a lot in today’s pop culture like The Human League or Eurythmics. Of course, this may be a misguided viewpoint since I myself wasn’t around in the 80s to know who was hot at the time (I was born in the late 90s) and Book of Love had a noticeable following in the dance club scene of the time. To be honest, you would hear a lot of nostalgia for A-ha or Tears for Fears before you would hear the same sort of nostalgia for this band. To be fair, the group did put some singles on the charts, such as 1985’s “Boy” which referred to the East Village’s exclusive gay bar and 1988’s “Pretty Boys and Pretty Girls,” which talked about the AIDS epidemic of the time. Book of love was a successful band in my opinion. They churned out four albums; two in the 80s, and two in the early 90s when synthpop was losing its grip as the dominant genre and grunge were taking over. The reason that I think that the band is sort of obscure in today’s world of nostalgia is due to the lack of consistent hits. Their music hit the charts every once in a while instead of very often compared to other groups. This doesn’t mean that they weren’t good; in fact, a lot of good music happens to not be on the top 40, in addition to good music being objective. THE ALBUM As I said before, this was their debut album, recorded in 1985, released 1986, produced by Ivan Ivan, also the producer for Devo and Velveteen. The album gives this group a good freaking foundation of who they are. Even the album cover, four black and white photos of every one give an introductory vibe to the LP. Throughout the collection of songs (17 to be exact, if you include the remixes to “Boy”, “Modigliani”, “You Make Me Feel So Good,” and “I Touch Roses.”) there are constant themes of love, relationship, and even lies. A softer more feminine vibe is evident in the tracks, possibly the product of the group being majority women, makes this album stand out from other synth albums of the day. Tracks such as “Modigliani (Lost In Your Eyes)” uses a lot of sensory detail and romantic language, sounding like a love letter from the Rennaisance Era being read aloud. “You Make Me Feel So Good” is basically if an appreciation post on Instagram was turned into a love song from the 80s. The lyrical aspect was not the only part that made the group stand out in my opinion. The use of peppy, bright synths, airy background vocals, and the use of non-electronic instruments such as tubular bells, gives the band a harmless sound. SONG IMPRESSIONS

Modigliani (Lost in Your Eyes)- Featured in the 1987 film Planes, Trains, and Automobiles, this track features the typical 80s synths, airy vibes, and empty drums that is gives a romantic feeling to match the romantic language of the lyrics. It is a perfect, textbook example of a standard Book of Love song if you have never heard their music.

Lost Souls- Different from most of the songs on this album, the use of more fulfilling, heavier synth drums, deep square leads and synths makes the track more intense. The song looks at relationships in a different, more negative view. The singer mentions about “lies” and how “They all lead back to you” giving a hint that her lover is a liar and that she is upset about this. They seem to be breaking up or losing one another, hence the name

White Lies- A melancholy, but rather upbeat track. The whole entire song sounds like a demo song from an old keyboard you bought at a yard sale. I get it, the song is old, but it sounds cheaply made, wasn’t one of the best tracks, to be honest with you.

Boy- 1985 single that catapulted the group to the charts for a time. It’s one of their most popular singles and more bittersweet sounding. “Boy” still uses the same lighter drum kits but uses deeper synths hidden in the background behind Ottaviano’s vocals and the Tubular bells, which kind of gave me a Motown feel (it may just be me tho), but by listening to the lyrics, you learn about how the singer wants to go to Boy Bar but faces the reality of being a girl and not being allowed and how sad or angsty it makes her feel. The melody and composition is a great companion to it.

Still Angry (Least Favorite Track)- The track contains, heavier drums, a faster beat and deeper vocals on Ottaviano’s part. I got a really quirky or cheesy vibe from this song in terms of the composition of the song. It was made out to be a more agitated tune, but what I imagined, listening to this was a pink teddy bear, coming to life and running around the room, screaming and pissed off. Sure, it may catch you off guard but do you sense any danger with a small stuffed animal? You’re probably not going to take it seriously. It also sounds more repetitive and drawn out the more and more you listen to it. The first song on the LP to get old if you listen to it a lot.

Late Show (Favorite Track of the album!!!!!)- This track is rather different from the rest of the others in terms that it doesn’t have any vocals or lyrics whatsoever. It is pure instrumental! To be honest, it is kind of a refreshing track, not to say that the other tracks were not good because of vocals, but you get to pay attention to just the sound Book of Love; light electric guitar riffs, smooth synth drum beats, some bongos, in the background… The song builds up to a climax using these instruments, including guitar solos, concentrations on each of the instruments used. As the listener hits the climax, the intensity plateaus for a bit, until it is brought down slowly until a black fade out, decorated by three square lead notes that play every couple. It is intense, but a harmless aesthetic that screams the 80s! But also screams Book of Love! You listen to it and felt satisfied by the ending, which is a good sign in itself.

SOME DRAWBACKS…

The two drawbacks I see with this album is one, instrument choice, and two, staleness. First with instrument choice. Some of the instruments, such as an instrument that sounded like an electric harmonica? Made the song “Book of Love” cheesy near the end of the song. It sounded like a karaoke rendition of a song, which is a bit ironic because it is an original song. A lot of the cheesiness makes the tracks sound a bit cheap in a way. In some other ways, it makes the album stand out more from more famous albums of that era, but overall, it can sometimes sound cheaply made. Another drawback is the staleness of the songs. There are a few songs that I still listen to after listening to this album from cover to cover six months ago. The other majority of songs get old quickly. Perhaps I just overplayed them but good music never gets old, right?

BUT IN THE END…The changing sounds of the songs, with a consistent theme (go from a dainty vibe to a more straightforward and striking vibe), can either correspond with or foil against the messages of love and relationship which makes for an interesting album. Just don’t OVERPLAY IT!

RATING…………….8

[humanitysteeped-blog]

Growing Up Godly:

A few months after my seventeenth birthday I made a video for my parents. I mostly made it for my mom because I didn't think my Dad would really react to it. I used all the pictures from their honeymoon and wedding. I layered it with emotional transitions and movement affects. I used all my moms favorite songs from her youth. My mom love 70's music. I think even today 70's music isn't dead in New Orleans yet. It's 2017. I think New Orleans was just really good in the 70's and 80's so it stayed there, stuck in time for awhile. It's just starting to change in great ways but for me and my family the older stuff represents a nostalgia that is linked to every great time we've had as a family. And those songs have been present through the generations, linking all our great memories to great memories that half of us weren't even present for. When my mom watched it she teared up. I get a lot of pleasure out of sharing things with people that make them happy. I felt fulfilled that I had done something nice for my mom. Seventeen year-old me was still very devoted to pleasing my mother. I wasn't gay yet, I worked 60 hours a week. I ran my parents restaurant with them in an experienced, efficient way to make my parents proud of the little martyr that had forgone all worldly experiences to become a man far sooner than most seventeen year olds. Still, the cold nature of my parents inspired me to keep pleasing and fighting for their affection because it was so fleeting. My slideshow was a successful anniversary gift for my parents. Having turned to extreme forms of Protestantism when I was twelve, my parents had verbally shunned their worldly past and only allowed things that were deemed "godly" into their lives. Reformed Baptists, they called themselves. For my mom the exception to the rule was 70's music. Sometimes on Saturday's when the restaurant was closed we'd run errands and she'd sing and dance to her old tunes. I loved when she'd do that because I could connect with her in those moments. They made her human. My parents always stuck out in their inner circles. Their church friends were often not from Louisiana and slightly more refined. I'm proud to say my parents were a little more gritty than their friends. They were very real people who spent their lives trying not to be. Both raised in the city streets of New Orleans by Catholic immigrant families, they were emotional, driven and partiers by nature. The accumulation of Cajun French, Sicilian, and Irish blood made up a very dramatic and broken family dynamic in our house. But no one ever really knew about it. We'd go to church and sit up straight and speak the appropriate religious verbiage when engaging. At home we fought and screamed and broke things when life got stressful. We'd cry and curse each other out and then piss ourselves laughing half way through because we knew we were ridiculous. Growing up this confused me but I appreciate it now. My parents still pretend though. I think they'll always have to to be happy. I'll always know who they really are, though. And even though they may be ashamed I'll always love how broken and interesting it is to be part of a dirty immigrant family who originated from St Bernard Parish and the Irish Channel. I don't think any of our origins are "Godly." And I don't think godliness comes from acting on things that can be labeled as worldly or otherwise. I'd have to say godliness is a state of the heart. It's deeper and more automatic. Like your heart and lungs. The rest is just who you are. My mom, having been moved by my gift, wanted to show it to everyone. At church the following Sunday she insisted that I pull out my laptop and show all her church friends. This made me feel ten feet tall because moments where my mom bragged on me were rare. It was a good day. My mom sat directly infront of the screen even though she normally would move and allow others to enjoy. This body language told me she was proud of the gift. Her southern baptist friends watched with stone cold faces as the secular 70's music wove a tale from the past about two people quietly in love. I felt the tension build and began to sweat. I love my mother but I knew the peer pressure was more than she could withstand. Turn on the social heat and my mother can sometimes forget she even has children to protect from the cruel world. Her friends, out of politeness, watched, but into the second song of the slideshow I could see my moms Stoney expression. Her face was red and I saw embarrassment in her eyes. Thinking back I get so sad because I hate to see anyone feeling uncomfortable or embarrassed. At the time all I felt was anger because I knew what was coming. My mom frowned and I was ready to fight. I get angry when I'm hurt. I think that's the case for most of us even if we can't say it. Sometimes I wonder how easy all of our relationships would be if we were willing to be honest when we were angry and just say "I'm hurt that you did or said this." I watched as my mom grimaced and then she asked in the most condescending way possible "Where did you get this music?" She asked this as if I had gotten an old Natalie Cole album from a drug dealer who was trying to expose me to the sins of the world. This was literally the music that had played in all my families restaurants since I was born so I was angered by her fake innocence. Of course me being her child I reacted -fueled by my Sicilian passion and my Irish temper. If she was going to throw me under the bus I was going to embarrass her. This was our relationship; a constant pissing match. Needy and dysfunctional. My reply was nonchalant but only she knew what I was doing. "Oh, this is just what I listen to all the time on my iPod." She may wanted to be viewed as the embodiment of what mainstream conservative reformers defined as motherhood but I was going be damned sure that everyone knew I was the dirty teenager that listened to non Christian music on an iPod unsupervised. She sarcastically rolled her eyes and said "oh, well that's nice." as she shut the laptop and changed the conversation. It was in this moment that I experienced a fury so powerful in my chest that I had to go to the bathroom as I fantasized about burning the building down. I was so angry. The truth is I was devastated and extremely hurt but emotional regulation and being in touch with your feelings isn't something we were raised with. Looking back now it's funny to me. I love my mom, she's funny and broken like everyone else. I don't blame her for how she handled that. I know how susceptible she is to the pressure of her version of society. She's a conformer to her own social subculture even if she thinks her lifestyle is her being bold and brave. She is who she is and I love almost everything about her. Remembering this story got me thinking about how so many children of the extremely religious end up leaving their parents faith for awhile. I've seen kid after kid break their parents hearts. I was one of those kids. And while leaving was the best thing I could have done for my relationship with myself and with my parents, I sometimes wonder how different the transition from dependent teenager to independent adult would be if a parent placed a higher value on the relationship with their child than on the lifestyle choices the child adheres to. Many kids leave and make themselves new only to return to the original lifestyle but with more healthy relationship habits. Some leave and the bond between parent and child is broken for good. I notice this more in extreme fundamentalist families. Also the rate of personality disorders, addiction and impulse control problems is rampant in fundamentalist children. Why is this? What makes the difference between a kid leaving his or her parents religion but growing/ figuring themselves out and a child leaving and falling apart. I sometimes think this has to do with bonding. As human beings we all have an innate need to bond. It's said that if we can't bond with the people around us, we'll bond with something less savory. I think back to my parents and what they valued. Not what they said they valued but what they actually priced with high worth. It's wasn't relationships. It wasn't kindness or humility. It wasn't their children. It was their lifestyle. All the checks and balances that were proof of their security from whatever in their past haunted them. It wasn't morality. It was things that represented a predefined and structured replacement of values. It doesn't require heart, just commitment and a lot of pride. This was why it was it was so easy for my mom to humiliate me in front of her church friends. She placed a much higher value on the lifestyle she had adhered to than she had placed on me as her child or her relationship with me. I think kids leave their religious roots when they know deep down inside that their parents faith isn't real. That their love for them wasn't real, or best very selfish and needy. It's a narcissistic thing for parents to require a growing adult to meet their egos needs in order to be loved and excepted. When people ask me if I'm bitter or resentful of my parent for prioritizing my heart last on their list or not supporting me because I'm gay. My stock answer is no because I don't want people to know that I, like everyone else, am slightly broken and a little messed up in my own way. But the truth is nobody goes through life untouched and it's important to share these things because they may help someone else. The truth is, it is possible to be healthy and move on and forgive all while still being a little angry or sad. I wouldn't expect my parents to change their beliefs for me because I wouldn't want them to expect the same of me. I value their independence and what they have done for themselves and who they are. I also value these same things in myself. And because of that I hold people accountable for how they treat the people around them, including myself. Growing godly taught me one thing. It taught me about false morality. It taught me to judge and be arrogant and I could be bitter about that if I wanted to. But I'm not. I'm not because growing up godly gave me a perfect representation of how easy it is to throw people aside and what pain can come of living in a bubble of your own arrogance and lack of empathy. In a way, I'm now hypersensitive to to the needs of others and wrestle with flaws in my character rather than flaws in my lifestyle. I don't remember anyone I went to church with caring about their character or their heart as much as they cared about gay guys getting married or women daring to speak up for their rights. I think the way I grew up was labeled as godly but actually the farthest thing from godly. I think I want to raise my kids to be godly. To love the hurting, feed the hungry, and defend the marginalized. I think I want to be godly in that way. To love without expectations or requirements. To know what I believe and who I am but not be so insecure and unsure that I have to belittle or shake my head at someone who isn't just like me. I'd like to teach my kids to love even those who don't agree and to not require compliance with their ideas in order to embrace and support people. That seems like a godly endeavor to me.

[iwantkiwijuice]

What is love?

Just recently watched bohemian rhapsody and it made me think a lot of things. There are really so many issues of identity, success and whatever but the thing I really, really liked was Freddie’s relationship with Mary. I know it’s not exactly a nice ending for them, but I have this thing for bittersweet stories.

Somehow, I’m drawn to the downs of a relationship/friendship. I think it’s because there is no such thing as positive memories without comparing them to negative ones? Getting through tough times makes the good times seem that much better. This sounds very morbid but fighting, getting angry and disappointed in each other made me feel like the relationships I had were real. Like there was something worth getting upset over, that there was something there that was worth fighting for. It was the downs that I grew and learnt valuable lessons from. (I mean 70% of my posts are about downsides of my life so it shouldn’t come as much of a surprise HAHA)

It also made think of what love really is. There are so many kinds of love - romantic love, familial love, etc.

And what made me fall in love of the idea of Freddie and Mary was that it wasn’t romantic love, but just loving each other as people? That she could forgive him so readily for being gay, and he always turned to her when he was down. Their relationship wasn’t built on anything physical, but it existed purely on the fact that they loved each other as humans. That being in there in each other’s lives was enough to make them happy.

Another scene I loved was when Mary told Freddie she was pregnant and he replied with “how could you?” I think it was supposed to show what an asshole he was to want her to only choose him. But I think it’s in those irrational, impulsive words and thoughts where people are their most raw, and what I find beautiful in a relationship between 2 people. It’s imperfections that I find interesting because that is what makes us human. How he couldn’t bear to see her be with someone else even though he couldn’t truly give her what she wanted. How she found it hard to tell him even though she had every right to do whatever the hell she wants.

And is it really unfair that love never seems to be equally given? Some people love like the flowers love the sun. But there are others that love like a flame loves firewood. Maybe it is just in their nature and we can choose how we want love to affect us.

Maybe we can choose who loves us, but not how we are loved by them. Like how we can’t change how we love others, but people can choose whether they want to accept your idea of care and affection. (If this even makes sense haha)

A parent can show love in a way you find overwhelming or demanding. A friend can show love that can seem transactional. But it is still love just the same. Different forms of love, from people we choose to receive them from.

So I’m still not sure but for now, I think love is a choice? It’s a conscious decision to choose to be there for someone else, even if sometimes the attraction fades or you expect something more. It’s choosing to accept people for who they are, and also choosing to change for them if they cannot tolerate one aspect of you. It’s realizing that bittersweet endings do not mean you have failed, but it means that at least you have tried, and that there was something to be grateful for.

For a very long time, I never really understood tswift’s song “Sad, beautiful, tragic” it’s my favourite album, but this one song I always skipped. But somehow writing all these words makes me think about this song.

“In dreams, I meet you in warm conversation

We both wake in lonely beds in different cities

And time, is taking its sweet time erasing you

And you've got your demons, and darling they all look like me”

I think this describes the kind of relationship Mary and Freddie had haha. A connection that was sad, tragic, but also nothing short of beautiful.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #46

honestly too lazy to muse over song lyrics so hey let’s get into it.

has anyone ever called you sexy? jason did the first time he saw me in a bikini and i blushed like a bitch. do you like raisins? NO what is your favorite bug? butterflies what is your opinion on abortion? lmao do you REALLY want me to get into that one? what is your opinion on gay marriage? it's fine. what is your opinion on gay adoption? also fine, so long as you don't raise said child to think being gay is "normal," like A LOT of people seem to think. now before i get blown up with notes about how "i'm calling being gay bad," NO. normal and bad are two very different things. being gay is a mutation, thus is not normal. but is it bad? no. it irks me when people think that being gay is normal, bc it's not, and a gullible child should not be told differently. do you take pictures of yourself on a daily basis? absolutely not. would you rather freeze or burn to death?  burn, only because freezing would be agonizingly slow you've just died, and you're given the choice of reincarnation, being a spirit, or going to heaven/hell, wherever you belong.  i wanna go to heaven. have peace. you're in prison. would you think about trying to escape and running away?  no. i'd get caught.  they always do in the end. you're getting married! where���s your honeymoon? idk tbh. aside from any current relationships, what was your closest relationship ever? me and jason do you give good massages?  well. jason has a terrible back so i used to give him massages a lot and they always ended with us making out so lol. when’s the last time you went against your eating habits or religion (ex. eating beef when you’re muslim)?  never even if you are not christian or never celebrated christmas, do you think you will raise your (possible future) children to believe in santa clause? why or why not? absolutely!! it's all in good fun and it stimulates the imagination. jason never believed in santa and when i found out, i remember i felt really sad for him. when you have nightmares, do they normally have the same theme (ex. always being killed) or do they just relate to something going on in your life at the moment/random? sigh. they're always about jason rejecting me in one way or another. what type of clothing do you hate to see on (other) women? what type of clothing do you hate to see on (other) men?  i do NOT like skanky clothes, ex. shorts that literally show off your ass or shirts with an immense amount of cleavage. i can't stand baggy pants on men. do you believe america should legalize drugs? if you think they should legalize only some drugs, which drugs do you think they should legalize?  ... no??? what the fuck's next, legalizing murder bc it would deter murderers??? would you vote a homosexual president into office? why or why not? yes, because why not? what's your most embarrassing sex (or sexual) story? if you haven't had sex, talk about an embarrassing sex story you heard. i've told this before in an old survey: that time i'm pretty damn sure i was about to orgasm but instead i had a panic attack because i didn't understand what i was feeling lmao besides pornography, what is a website you frequent and don't want anyone to know? first let it be known that i don't watch porn. it's disgusting. two, the meerkat role-play site i take part in because i find rp embarrassing to the public eye. would you support marijuana legalization if it were taxed and distributed in a way similar to alcohol? nope what do you most want to improve upon in yourself? not allow my happiness to be dependent on others if you were throwing your significant other / best friend a themed party, what would the theme be? elephants! she loves them! how often do you get fountain drinks from a gas station? like, once a month? who is your favorite character in your favorite movie? hmmm... i'm honestly tied between the mad hatter and the cheshire cat! what'​​s your curre​nt boy situa​tion?​​ i'm single, but i just joined a dating site like... yesterday so i guess you could say i'm looking. it's honestly embarrassing to me personally to be on a dating site, but after a month's worth of thought, i decided i think that's what's best for me. gave you ever donat​ed blood​?​​ yes. have you ever been to seawo​rld? yep. what video game should everybody play at least once?  "silent hill 2." NO, not because it's my favorite game, but that damn message. it shows that you cannot run from your past and regrets; you instead have to face up to them. what is impossible to understand until it happens to you? mental illnesses what’s a weird thing you are scared of? WHALE SHARKS what is the most enjoyable exercise? biking how much time do you spend putting on makeup daily? i usually don't wear makeup. but if i do, gimme like five minutes have you ever worn faux eyelashes? nope what color is your flash-drive? pink when’s the next time you’ll change your hairstyle and will you color it? hairstyle will remain the same, gotta get the layers trimmed tho. i'm getting galaxy hair after my red fades!! has anyone ever called you fake and do you agree with them? no. do you make an effort to talk to all of your facebook friends, or are there certain people that you talk to the most? nope. i mean i'll "like" some of their statuses and whatnot, but i don't talk to most of them anymore. do you hate your weight? very much so. what kind of mood are you in atm? is someone else responsible for that mood? i'm anxious to do something, and no. who was the last person that asked to hang out with you? tell me the story of how you met that person, everything you remember. colleen asked to hang out a couple days back, spent the night two days. :D i met her in girl scouts, but i barely remember back then. we really bonded in middle school. if you knew that one of your friends was considering suicide, what would you say to them? it really depends on their situation.0 have you ever worn colored mascara? if not, would you ever think about trying it? and if you have, what is / was your favorite color to wear? ohhh, i haven't, but that'd be cool! who was the last person to pay you a compliment? my dentist. she liked my hair. what color is your purse/wallet? my purse is maroon and black. my wallet is red, black, and white. it's got a harley quinn design on it. before facebook became popular, did you use any other social networking site, like bebo or myspace? i had myspace. which disney princess do you think is the most beautiful? why? uhhh... aesthetically... i guess belle, maybe? or jasmine? if i’m going to buy you a box of chocolates, which kind should I definitely NOT get? DO NOT GET ME THE KINDS WITH FILLING OTHER THAN CHOCOLATE ITSELF OMG if you met the celebrity that you most admire, what would be the first thing you’d say to him/her? "thank you for saving my life" when you’re going to be at home all day, do you bother to get out of your pajamas? nope. given the choice, would you rather drink juice or soda? soda. i'm aware that's terrible, lol. how many piercings do you have? are there any more that you want? i have two in each earlobe, my tragus, my cartilage, and my nose done. i want a labret lip piercing and the snake eyes tongue piercing, as well as more on my ears. do you play angry birds? no. i recently watched the movie with friends tho, and it's so cute! do you tend to get hungry late at night? YEAH has anyone ever cheated on their boyfriend/girlfriend with you? yeah. we didn't actually date, but it was serious flirting, and i consider that cheating. do you blow dry your hair? NO NO NO YOU NEVER WANT TO BLOW DRY MY HAIR. it's thick af and will literally take you 10+ minutes to get completely dry. if you’ve ever had and quit a job, did you actually call in and quit or put in your two weeks notice or did you just stop showing up? at my first job, i talked face-to-face with the manager and didn't show up after i quit. at my second job, i texted my boss and didn't show up after that. do you tend to baby or take care of the people you date, or do you tend to date alpha types that take care of you? ehhh, both? like i think it's in MOST females' nature to be motherly, and i was like that with my ex, but my ex definitely cared for me, too. how would you feel if the person you were interested in refused to perform oral sex on you? i wouldn't mind. i find oral gross, anyway. when you get upset do you have any physical reactions, like prickles in your spine or your knees going weak? my head gets this weird tingling sensation. do you ever “facebook stalk” or go through facebook albums of attractive boys/girls that you have mutual friends with (but haven’t met in person)? do you ever add them? nope. hypothetically speaking, if you ever give birth to a son, would you have him circumcised? yes, in interest of his health. which of your facebook friends posts the most annoying/irritating/enraging facebook posts? what do they post? oh my GOSH, a friend i met at the hospital, whom i won't name for her privacy. she's BEYOND pro-choice, bashes EVERYONE who disagrees with her, posts a billion rants a day, and is just... very shallow in what she shares. is there something that a person can do and watching them do it makes you quite a bit attracted to them for it (e.g., watching someone play guitar, watching a someone work on a car, etc.)? many things, yeah, like the two you listed, but more. what accent do you find most difficult to understand? southern, but only when it's VERY heavy. what movie never fails to make you cry? "the notebook" do you like 3d movies? sure have you ever practiced kissing on a stuffed animal? nope do you let music move your body, or do you hold back? i always hold back why is your favorite store your favorite? i find their clothes aesthetically pleasing can you handle the stress of working in food/customer service? NONONONONO what kind of place would you want to raise your children? idk, the same state i was raised in, i guess. would you let your child have a pet? depends on their age, really. if i think they're mature enough to care for it themselves, yes. do you enjoy talking to people over webcam? NO CAN YOU SAY AWKWARD would you rather die or eat another human being? die. how would you react if a doctor told you that you were infertile? i'd be... pretty devastated. i want kids, but at the same time, i'm so scared to have another life under my supervision. idk. do you like meatball subs? sure. have you been baptized in any religious tradition? yep. what is your favorite meal of the day? breakfast what season were you born in? winter what’s your favorite breed of dog? idk, i like akita inus, chow-chows, beagles... do you use twitter? nope are you a good babysitter?   not particularly.  i'm awkward with kids. how old will the last person you kissed be on his/her next birthday?   sigh.  he'll be 23 in two days. what’s the relationship with you and the last person you kissed?   we're nothing but strangers now. has anyone ever told you they were in love with you?   he was apparently full of shit.