#theres no poetry here because i have cried enough

[28ms28]

Ferrari hopes and dreams

[l0ve-is-an-ech0]

Most moving lines in each Enneagram Song:

One: "Ive spent my whole life searching desperately to find out grace requires nothing of me" is of course a tearjerker but "as if I could earn God's favor given time or at least congratulations" gets me too. I guess I too am desperate for approval and I'd do anything to get it, so mood.

Two: "And maybe I'll get around fixing myself too" and that AFTER the fact that "You know I'll take my heart clean apart if it helps yours beat". Is in the same song?! HOW IS THAT ALLOWED???

Three: "leave my greatest failures on display with an asterisk 'worthy of love anyway'" CRIES. The whole song is so damn sad and honest but dammit three ATE the conclusion line up out of all the songs.

Four: Four is really so galaxy brained and stuffed with metaphors and I haven't even dissected all of them yet but "Maybe I'm hiding behind metaphors maybe my heart needs to break to be sure" is very interesting, because I think it means a 4 hides behind their own artistic mask as protection and maybe they need to drop this mask for once to find out what they've been looking for even if it means getting hurt in the process. This whole song needs a 10 page poetry analysis. The word "Glorious" by itself is also sung so softly in this song in makes me cry.

Five: The songs lyrics aren't deeply vulnerable and I feel that's just the style of a five expressing their feelings. But "My Armour falls apart, as if I could let myself be seen, even deeply known. As if I was already brave enough to let go." Is still a favorite of mine. The music is also so pretty and stunning and that makes me tear up sometimes.

Six: "Is it courage or faith to show up everyday?" Hits me so hard in particular because each day always has me so worried about what could go wrong that I'd rather curl up in a blanket but I still get the energy to go through with it. "What would it feel like to put this baggage down? If I'm being honest I'm not sure I'd know how" also speaks to my soul.

Seven: Gosh the song is so vulnerable and sincere yet so optimistic about it. It's the heartfelt melody and soundesign (like the cheers and claps) that make me tear up the most but lines like "a secret handshake between me and my own life" or "I want to be here. Truly be here. To watch the ones I love bloom." also really wreck me. Sevens think in a way I could never think and they do it so easily and naturally and that's what gets me.

Eight: It's no secret by now that eight is my favorite. There's so many lines that really break my heart: "When I see fragile things. Helpless things. Broken things. I see the familiar." Or "I CANT afford to let myself be blindsided." Or "I'm just a kid who grew up scared enough to hold the door shut and bury my innocence." DUDE. The instrumentation of this song also really gets me. It's so dynamic, raw and emotional.

Nine: "wake up, fall in love AGAIN" or "wage war on gravity theres so much worth fighting for youll see" or "How do I forgive myself for losing so much time?". It's like the experience of wanting to stop existing and start living. This song, after having listened to the album in full has be sobbing into my pillow sometimes.

[uwumessenger]

random headcanons i have for each om! character teehee

hi it's been a while since ive posted some hcs bc uni has been kicking my a$$! luckily i only have a few papers to tidy up and im done. here r some hcs for each obey me character that ive accumulated over the past few months wink wonk

most are random but some constants you'll find are what i think they smell like, languages they can speak (other than their native (demon/angel) and eng/jp), and music tastes !

lucifer

i have a strong feeling that he showers twice a day: in the morning after waking up and at night before going to bed

his cologne is probably the type that will last in an elevator for like a week after he uses it once. i dont think this mf ever smells like anything other than his cologne

has a secret folder on his phone of semi-nudes and other scandalous pics from when he felt sexy at the time omg

aside from demon language/eng/jp he can speak french and knows latin

listens to classical stuff yea but he also listens to diavolos mixtapes (re: diavolo's section)

not a fan of sweets but will eat sweet things when craving

really bland sense of humor...borderline cringey 😭✋🏻

mammon

has gone to google images and searched for "inspirational quotes tumblr" "gold aesthetic tumblr" & "relatable crush post tumblr" then reposts it onto his socials or just taps thru them and giggles bc he relates

his cologne doesnt last as long as lucifers and probably smells common. he has to reapply a lot but it's a people pleasing smell. it's cheaper hence the constant reapplying

he probably does have an expensive bottle but is the type to totally overspray...eek

he is canonically a car guy 🥲 and probably tells the one in his room good morning & good night + kisses the hood every once in a while. has tons of car magazines

he doesnt really speak other languages but has attempted to learn spanish before

listens to whatever is on the radio. doesnt rly stan anyone but he eventually will listen to mc's playlist and mc's playlist ONLY

levi

lurks on mc's socials ALL THE TIMEEEE like he will rewatch ur stories and scroll thru ur feed and overanalyze ur tweets/rts or blog posts. if ur mc isnt the type to use sns much he still googles ur name all the damn time just to find any sites u might be on fjdjdjdjskks

probably streams on whatever youtube or twitch devildom site equivalent there is, but only has like 40 or so followers. which he is okay with!

until he sees someone else who gets more attention than him. then the envy starts kicking in bad. especially if they suck 🧍🏻‍♀️

classic gamer boy smell. you know, sweat, tears, must, and (sometimes) axe deodorant. lucifer has to do a scent check before he goes out to any event & lets him use his cologne. how sweet!

kpop stan!! more girl groups than anything and his ults are probably GIRLS GENERATION, wonder girls, twice, loona, & red velvet

cried when ioi disbanded and refused to leave his room. the only thing u could hear was downpour on loop at full blast

can also speak korean & communicate in echolocation like dolphins 😏

satan

listens to country music you cant change my mind

smells like whatever environment he is in. he doesnt really have a designated smell just throws some deodorant on and goes about his day.

he's sooooo bad at driving...gets road rage way too often so his license has been REVOKED

but hes totally a backseat driver. needs to be sedated on long trips

do not let him watch finding nemo when luke asks to watch it. it's not worth it. he will cause mass destruction.

if he was a human or lived long term in the human world he totally has the ability to be a doctor

is studying as many languages as possible, but he mostly knows latin & french & german etc etc. wants to learn all the dead languages out of curiousity

asmo

dont think this mf has ever held down a relationship. ever

he doesnt compromise much & is not willing to change his lifestyle to fit an s/o into it. you keep up with how he lives or it just isnt meant to be (but dont worry! he'll eventually learn...maybe,,,,)

has the hardest time out of everyone when it comes to breaking bad habits

his smell varies bc he uses a variety of perfumes (whatever is the most popular at the time) but he probably sticks to floral and fresh scents. he never uses generic people pleaser scents like mammon

listens to electropop, mainstream pop, & some alternative rock

as for languages he too knows french, spanish, italian, etc. in general, if it's a romance language he knows it!

opposite of lucifer in the sense where he loves sweets and will refrain from eating too many bitter things

i think we all know that asmo is the biggest rockstar of the group! he's probably been in a boy band at least once, but now he makes his own music

has tried to teach mammon how to sing once. ended up in a broken piano and bleeding ears...

beel

i feel like he is SO SHY

like unless ur close to him he will not start conversations or anything

i think he listens to r&b a lot ! and jazz 😎 maybe rock as well

smells like ur typical athlete with undertones of wet wipes. he carries them around bc he likes to clean his hands before he eats & is prepared for when theres no sink nearby

he can drive and he drives really well. no rough turns, parallel parks perfectly, and never has problems with merging

driving with beel is probably really soothing. left hand is steering the other is gripping ur thigh 😫

dont think hes really fluent in any other language but hes probably semi fluent in korean because levi wanted beel to help him out

definitely know how to order food in practically every language tho HAHAHA

belphie

he reminds me of randall from monsters inc

smells kinda musty IM SORRY but not the way levi does hes more like the kind of musty u feel or smell when it's a shitty morning

but that's only because hes so lazy, when he cleans up hes like satan

has definitely murdered multiple people before. mc is not the first 😐✋🏻

with that being said belphie has been put into prison at least twice when visiting the human world, the mf had such a strong hatred for humans theres no way he never got into trouble before

lucifer probably broke him out and they used the pen thingies from men in black to erase everyones memory of that 🙄

dont think he listens to anything other than music that'll put him to sleep. really likes lazy song by bruno mars but thinks that bruno mars put too much effort into the song. should have been one acapella verse and then finish

similar to beel hes only semi fluent in one language, probably french bc of lucifer. doesnt remember much but knows a couple of lullabies and bedtime stories

the sandman used to be his bff until they drifted. they do, however, like and comment on each other's sns posts.

diavolo

once he found out who nicki minaj was he became her #1 stan

def an ariana grande stan too 😌

choreographs dances when hes stressed...idk just seems like a diavolo thing to do

also makes rly bad soundcloud rap music sometimes. turns to poetry when hes feeling emo but only lucifer knows this. barbatos is suspicious of him but doesnt have enough evidence to confirm.

his dad is like hudson abadeer from adventure time aka marceline's dad? something must have influenced him to want to unite the 3 realms + he would need the approval to do so, so his dad must be more chill than all the others before him 🧍🏻‍♀️ IDK ok anyway

currently going through his hamilton phase bc of mc. whether mc's intent was to get him hooked onto it or just to explain it bc of something he saw online, he tells everyone that he found out abt it bc of mc!

this man cannot drive his skills are only second to jumin han

not too fond of many languages but knows the widely spoken ones like spanish, mandarin, etc. if it's taught in high school he knows it

smells like a las vegas casino. not sure why but i feel like he does. but there's also an interesting & nice smell to him if he embraces you. it's a smell you cant quite identify. but it smells nostalgic, it's mysterious, and it's tempting.

barbatos

very calm demeanor but underneath hes WILD hes probably done everything at least once oof

he just has a lot of control and stability over himself (must be nice!)

on a more angsty note i feel like he might have had his heartbroken sO BAD IDK he is hurting and maybe that's why hes so willing to obey diavolo and not abuse his time lord power thingies bc he learned his lesson the hard way

mans is so smart he knows every language you could switch languages mid conversation with him and he wouldnt be thrown off. he'd probably start speaking it too.

BUT HE SPEAKS VIET P E R F E C T L Y

listens to the same stuff as lucifer but also likes eminem. likes the movie 8 mile but criticized it heavily

have you ever been to a chinese herb shop? naturally, he smells like that. his room probably smells like it too. he doesnt really have a significant smell like some of the others

when he bakes he smells like whatever hes baking tho

one of the few out of everyone listed to have been able to travel to literally everywhere

solomon

was probably on kitchen nightmares once, but only to get feedback from chef gordon ramsay. then he used his magic to prevent the episode from airing...

was in an orchestra, one of the best times of his life. played the violin. asmo watched him in the audience once, but didnt approach him until well after that performance.

he CANNOT sing. he can, however, rap.

doesnt listen to music. he listens to podcasts! but every now and then he turns on background music, but prefers it to be instrumental stuff

never wears sunglasses. also does not have a driver's license. cannot drive a regular car. could maybe fly an airplane.

due to his immortality he has learned almost every language to exist, but finds himself speaking mandarin the most. knows most dialects too

similar smell to barbatos but u can also smell some sunscreen on him too. like, generic beach day suncreen

he has a lot of pact marks, so he once had the idea to match foundation to his skin. it took him two weeks but he eventually perfected a combination. yes he will help u find ur perfect shade if u ask him to

simeon

another country music man. has also made a tiktok or two to that one song that goes "he cant even bait a hook." they are private tho

angel country music exists and simeon invented it

if he visits the human world and wears more causal clothing he probably tucks his shirt into his pants

wears a speedo at the beach i tell u, speedo at the beach

he can speak german...i can feel it

uses his pointer finger to type and holds the phone like 2 inches away from his face so sometimes his nose will push a key hence all his typos

has no signature smell. he simply smells like your favorite scent all the time. if multiple people are around him at once, everyone smells a different smell. it's pretty rad

"what does he smell like to himself?" u may be asking. hmm...a church? 💀

luke

his first pet was a goldfish and a few months before the exchange program happened, he was given a koi pond!

secretly likes hanging out with levi sometimes just to play with henry. makes him miss his pet fish back home

so his favorite movie is probably finding nemo and he threw a fit when nemo touched the butt

luke is probably learning german bc of simeon, though he'd like to learn more of the dead languages just for fun

i dont think he listens to music often or has any preferences, he just listens to whatever is playing on the radio

but he finds himself listening to the music mc listens to

smells like freshly baked goods all the time. or fresh laundry. but like, not combined. just depends on the day

[disaster-bay-leaf]

Ok so these were the cutest~ (ㆁωㆁ)

4, 6, 7, 9, 12, 19, 22, 23, 28, 33, 34, 46, 47, 52, 59, 60, 63, 66, 83, 87, 88, 93, 99

I kno I listed like....all of them lmao but feel free to answer whichever you want and ofc you can ask me in return Baybe ( ◜‿◝ )♡

uHUHUHUHU much content for me to answer, im happy bebe 💜💜💜✨

4 - how do you take your coffee/tea?

hm coffee either Very Black No Sugar (for the sleep deprived me) or iced latte three sugars and theres no in between

and as for tea its All Black Teas That Exist, cinnamon-flavoured especially (but basically all teas that come to mind when u think “autumn”), and rooibos!!! okay basically the only oke i dont like is any type of green tea (which is sad because they look cool but my tastebuds said ✨no✨)

6 - do you keep plants?

honestly id l o v e too because i love plants but,,, im kinda horrible at taking care of them though still way better than the majority of my family (research helps) so the only plant i own is kinda a small-palm-tree-looking thing in a bigass glass jar that i saved from my mother’s plant-destructing hands and its mostly doing well (the ends of its leaves are starting to be yellow tho and im worried:((( )

7 - do you name your plants?

yes!!! though the current one was named by my sister and its called “pickett” after fantastic beasts shsjjsj

9 - do you like singing/humming to yourself?

oh god oh dude you have n o idea

i have absolutely n o singing voice but its something i do constantly to give my brain the right amount of stimuli so basically i listen to music 24/7 and hum to myself 99% of that time

12 - whats your favourite planet?

oh i actually didnt think about this for so long but either pluto (hes a planet screw nasa) or saturn (RINGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) or venus (girls,,,and libra,,,)

19 - do you keep a journal? what do you write/draw in it?

okay im gonna be completely honest with yall and say that my every single try at keeping a journal failed spectacularly and i lost motivation after like a few months so my only journals rn are my fancy fake-leather-bound calendar to note tests and assessments into, a kinda roughed up notebook that i uses for noting down poems or scribbling or passing notes in class, and a kinda fancy bullet journal notebook that i used as a book of shadows for a while but since my fountain pen died i didnt touch it

22 - are you a morning person?

n o

i am so not a morning person but i wish i could be because honestly dawns are beautiful

but as it is rn im either sleep deprived all the time and loathe every second of being in an awake state or (if i have a few days of schoolbreak) my biological clock moves forward a few hours and i sleep 2am-10am

23 - whats your favourite thing to do on lazy days with zero obligations?

except for the fact that i dont remember the last time it happened, i would probably spend it drawing outside, watching anime with my sister and riding a bike around the forest

28 - sunrise or sunset?

i love sunrises because its so peaceful and everyone is asleep but also i subconsciously immediately correlate them with waiting for a train to take me to school (because thats basically the only time i see them) so its a bittersweet love especially with my fucked up biological clock

but sunsets are really really pretty too and i see them more often so i cant choose

33 - whats your fave pastry?

and isnt that a millior-dollar question dhsjjsjsj

either cinnamon rolls (i absolutely adore them) or that one specific type of cupcake-shaped-thing made out of shortcrust/bread/whatever its called and filled with vanilla pudding

34 - tell us about a stuffed animal you kept as a kid. what is it called? what does it look like? do you still keep it?

awwww this is cute

okay so basically my two favourite stuffed animals (i still have them, they sit in my wardrobe) were two teddy bears (like maybe 20cm high each of them) and one was pure brown and the other was silver-brown and they had stereotypical polish male names “Waldek” (read. Valdek) and Stefan (i think tho im not sure if i remember correctly, my memory is a feeble thing sometimes

46 - tell us the worst pun you can think of

what dog would never bite you? a hot dog *badumtss*

47 - what food do you think should be banned from the universe?

huh a year ago id say pineapple pizza but i guess i dont hate pineapples that much anymore (tho putting them on pizza is still an abomination) but i think that if id ever want to get rid of anything it would be parsley, i hate that freakin herb (does it count as food tho)

52 - what are your favourite memes of the year so far?

the ever given for sure shsjshjsjsjsjjsj

but bullying tramp stamps is gold and pure tumblr energy too

as for fandom memes: im in love with all keeping-up-with-the-todorokis variations and the fact that the entire bsd fandom looked at fukuchi and said “biTCH” and thats one of the only things we’re unanimous about

59 - whats your favourite myth?

i always liked the kora/persephone myth (though demeter is an overbearing parent to the nth power), loki and thor crossdressing at a party to get mjolnir back, atalanta because shes a queen and id politely ask her to kick my ass, and cassandra because she deserved better, and theres a l o t more because alas i was a mythology nerd but this post is long enough for me not to make this section 20 times longer sjjsjsjsjsjks

but there are a lot of slavic myths that are very cool too, though we dont know that much about them as about the greeks for example

60 - do you like poetry? what are some of your faves?

o o o o h yeah i do like poetry because to create such a beautifully sounding thing with only words someone has to be a genius

some of my favs are: some works of nakahara chuuya (thank u bsd for introducing me to this man’s beautiful imagery in his works i swear to god the descriptions do it for me) (also his poem about having hangovers is a mood like i feel you buddy), the raven by ea poe (i know everyone likes it but hOLY DAMN THE INTER/INTRAVERSE RHYMES ARE LIKE,,, BREATHTAKING) (and aso im a slut for gothic horror), and many more but also That One Poem From Welcome To Nightvale about reaching the island in the west,,, only perfect vibes from it

63 - are you fussy about your books and music? do you keep them meticulously organised or kinda leave them be?

okay heres the thing. for anyone else both my playlist library and my bookshelf would be considered pure chaos of a mad man b u t they actually have a highly focused system which means that i sort them based on their vibes, lovability and (in case of books) their age and whether or not theyre a part of a series so i would say my bookshelf is rather organised (when a quarter of it isnt occupying my desk that is) and my music is more organised than not but sometimes it gets out of control and i have to sort it entirely again

66 - what would your ideal flower crown look like?

either entirely constructed of simple white daisies, entirely constructed of only white roses, or something that probably would win a “how many different coloured flowers can one fit in a flower crown” competition

or something purple (maybe not belladonna)

83 - whats some of your favourite album art?

god i dont know if it counts but hozier’s wasteland baby is probably one of my absolute favourites and no one shall beat that

“thrifted youth” (dalynn) and “standard deviation” (danny schmidt) have very aesthetic covers too

also the iconic p!atd too weird to live, too rare to die! album cover,,, its just iconic what can i say

and last but not least matt meason’s pink-and-black album covers (though bank on the funeral is really pretty too but like,,, “who killed matt meason” d o e s it for me and so does the 2017 tribulation single)

87 - what are some movies that you think everyone should watch at least once in their lives?

this is such a hard question because im not a really cinematography-oriented gal but i suppose that (at the risk of not going deep enough into the cinema world):

- the princess bride

- inception

- night at the museum

- SPIRITED AWAY

- forrest gump

- truman show

- E.T. (i cried okay)

- the lord of the rings (because damn me if this isnt one impressive adaptation)

- parasite

and one more personal recommendation: “ready or not” with samara weaving because goddamn i dont usually watch this genre but holy s h i t is it good

93 - whats the hairstyle you wear the most?

honestly just plain hair down (because having curly hair is a menace), split in the middle when i have longer hair and split on one side when its short

also low ponytails or half-up-half-down when im exercising, or double french braids when my hair doesnt cooperate enough to look presentable in any other form

99 - list some songs that resonate with your soul whenever you hear them

this is difficult because my music taste is a goddamn rollercoaster on a good day, but heres some:

- me and the sky from “come from away” musical (this is sort of a test song for my mental stability, if i cry i aint stable)

- dancing after death by matt meason (okay most songs by matt meason except for like,,, hallucinogenics maybe)

- tears and rain by james blunt

- i will follow you into the dark by death cab for cutie

- almost home by mxmtoon

- anything by hozier really but shrike especially

- payphone, the cover by alex g (i cried to this song so many times)

- burning pile by mother mother (can i roast all my problems please)

- long way from home and cleopatra by the lumineers

- autoclave by the mountain goats

oooh that was c o o o o o o o l as fuck thank you sm so much bebe (and sorry for the long post @everyone else)

[willieowinsbury]

i’ve decided to rank hozier songs because i can and i feel like it

22. sedated: this song is solid, but sort of plain. makes you nod your head along but no dancing or mouthing along. it sort of feels like an amalgam of every hozier song. doesn’t slap. its the c- of hozier songs

21. someone new: cute, but sort of like a middle song in a wedding. nobody really talks about it for a reason. makes you smile, but not very catchy

20. run: its haunting, but not a cool kind of haunting, more just gives you the creeps. the chorus is pretty good though, and the lyrics seem like something you’d hear in poetry, so it’s better than the other two

19. moment’s silence (common tongue): this is the first song on this list that is legitimately catchy. its a song you turn up on the radio, but not by much. its fun, its bluesy, got some catholic imagery. its good, but its not “wow!” good. c maybe c+

18. better love: this was written in a month, and it feels rushed. a bit too fast, and if hozier had more time, im convinced he would have slowed it down. its the first powerful, devotional, love song on the list. i’ve heard people don’t like the drums, but im convinced its the extra singers and violin in the background. im always a violin advocate, but you’ve gotta pick like two instruments andrew. its crowded, but its got that power so its higher than say, sedated

17. from eden: i know everybody loves this, and i agree its pretty good, but i think the song could’ve used some more haunting parts? way extra points for the bridge after the third verse, thats super cool. i’d give it a b

16. nfwmb: i legitimately really like this song. it hits all the points, haunting, devotional love, necromancy, comparing your partner to nature, low bass. its a great low and sort of dirty song that could have used some higher string instruments. theres nothing wrong with this song in particular, i just like the others better. again, a b

15. movement: idk how y’all feel about this one, its his newest, but its one of his building songs. the atmosphere is different, and the lyrics are sub-par for hozier, but something about it just goes so hard. b+

14. take me to church: this was his first hit, and we’re all tired of it by now, but giving it a listen again, if not for the overplayedness, it would be more like a 6 or 5, not 14. a solid jam. gets bumped over movement for pagan imagery

13. jackie and wilson: someone new if it slapped. super relatable and arguably more lesbian than from eden, which i will argue. i mean, seeing a woman across the bar and immediately imagining your future kids and house? and getting so caught up in it you don’t notice when she leaves? big dyke mood, also super fun and catchy. feels like spring cottage cleaning watching cartoons on a saturday morning. b+

12. arsonists lullaby: this song starts of as innocuous and gets darker. really feel the fire and brimstone and rage and power of idk. mental illness? pyromancy? anyway it makes you want to dance naked around the bonfire, like in that scene at the end of the witch. one of the few powerful dark hozier songs with a snare drum beat, our first a-

11. shrike: its bittersweet ending of a relationship, and he conveys the pain and love perfectly, and the irish accent is the best. feels like a song at the end of a movie when two people who maybe could have made it break up, and maybe one dies in a war or something. its beautiful and lonely, and vocals are really great on this one

10: angel of small death and codeine scene: this song sorta feels like the folk/blues version of an answering song to dangerous woman by ari. mood is loving a woman who’s bad for you but you just can’t help yourself. the guitar isn’t my favorite instrument, but i really like it here. would be very energetic and rockin at a concert, love

9: nina cried power: i love this one, and its powerful and full and angry and sad, but there’s something fundamentally hozier missing from this one. i love it, but it doesn’t give me that fantasy inducing feeling, which might be an artistic choice. either way, a-

8. in the woods somewhere: the haunting, soulful, fever-esque, version of run. its the mind of someone whos going mad, in the woods. its a top tier hozier song. the clapping that you don’t really notice until you are only paying attention to the song adds to the maddening atmosphere, as well as the low and slow bass. the harmony in the bridge is keening, and this is one of the first songs that really screams hozier for me

7. cherry wine: bringing back the bittersweet love aspect again that he seems to capture so well, hozier uses such beautiful imagery in this song, you feel as if you’re in a cottage, doing ballet barefoot at dawn on dusty wooden floors, doing housework. its desperate in a way no other hozier song has lived up to. its keeping up appearances, stroking a baby bird oh so carefully, grazing your fingers over unused fiddle strings. it’s sad, and bitter, and so full of love. the first a

6. it will come back: the heavy drum and guitar are reminiscent of classic rock, but slows down so quickly at points it leaves you delerious and determined. it’s a stubborn song, it sneaks up on you on how much you love it. its toeing some sort of line. its falling in love with a monster

5. like real people do: it’s loving each other knowing you aren’t going to last, secrets that you don’t want to know, wanting enough time as possible before you have to leave. its beautiful and sad, and the harmony adds so much, and the beat is slightly like a heartbeat, steady, and there, but so quiet you barely notice. makes you smile sadly, a rare occurrence

4. in a week: something about this one is so sad and it reminds you of the place you were born. or maybe thats just me, i was born in iowa. its the same message from like real people do with a twist. you don’t have much time to love someone. it builds and builds and builds and is a tangle of messes and complications, and suddenly is so so simple. its longing, its wishing you had more time, its the last kiss in a battle in slow motion. bared necks and prarie grass, this song is about dying in the place you were made. the simple beat and melody give this song exactly what it needs to thrive. a

3. foreigner’s god: this is precisely the opposite of in a week, about dying in a place you were not born. about not knowing who you are anymore, about pleading with god, any god to spare you, let you go home. the fast beat in the chorus isn’t chaotic, but angry and sad and begging. its grief in every form, guarded and raw, hozier makes you examine your choices with this one. the beat is pounding in a subtle way, and it goes so hard

2. to be alone: this is big top energy. smoky bars and big boots, and slightly western? it’s tantalizing, crawling out of your own skin, and pure want. it’s slow and yet loud in a good way. it’s hard to explain why i like this song, but it feels like a storm in your bones

1. work song: this one is actually my favorite song of all time. its got so much longing, and stubbornness, and hunger, and love. this is the devotion we all love from hozier, the power and the darkened eyes. this is the epitome of hozier, and it feels like your soul and i just can’t articulate with words what this song feels like, it would be five pages long, this is the %100, this is the a+. this song brings everything hozier has ever made you feel to the table, and makes you feel it harder

[unproduciblesmackdown]

there was an ask list but instead of reblogging it im just doing the thing where i answer it all and put it here under a readmore

what mythical creature do you wish actually existed? idk i like griffins but i feel like thats boring b/c they dont like have any Powers...

soundcloud or vinyls? i dont rly use either lol

what book does everyone right now need to read? whatever they want i have no huge recs. i like the ashbury high / brookfield series & thats kinda unknown but thats it

do you like wearing other people’s shirts/jackets? its not much of a thrill...i guess im neutral but it has to fit me for starters

what was the best thing that happened to you this month? i donno. watched some stuff, had ppl compliment me

what’s a promise you’ve recently made to yourself? i periodically tell myself to care less about various shit

would you rather be the sky, the ocean or the forests? i guess the sky....clouds are nice. the ocean is full of heinous shit and the abyss. the forest can be kinda iffy too and also cut down

would you kiss the last person you kissed again? i havent kissed anybody romantically* so its not really an issue for me

do you plan your outfits? rarely

how do you feel right now? eh theres the usual undercurrents of misery and frustration but that’s just bg noise most of the time. im alright i suppose

what’s the last dream you remember having? well i was having trouble driving, which is a frequent dream, because it was a bus, which is an unusual detail. i think we were trying to take a roadtrip to a beach in another country, which is a thing that happens in my dreams lately. but then i suddenly found out i was in a play that was in like rehearsal/performance stages already, which is also common. my role was to act like i was real gay for some other guy character. i was like lol no prob

what are you craving right now? im usually a bit hungry i guess

turn ons/offs? i like people who can go along with a joke i suppose and who seem interested in other people and what they have to say. too many things repel me from other ppl to list

when was the last time you cried? why? i’ll cry super easily if im just imagining some sad concept

did the one person who hurt you most in your life apologize? there’s some contenders there smh...but no

do you bite or lick your ice cream? lick....

favorite movie ever? i dont have one

do you like yourself? yeah im alright enough

have you ever met or seen in person a celebrity? not like an a-lister no

how many countries have you visited? just the one ive always been in

have you ever been in a castle? no

what’s the craziest/bravest thing you’ve done? i dont think anything too special. got in front of a car w someone but it was moving slow. proceeded w my stage entrance anyways even when a curtain cue got effed up & led the Improvisation of working around it, but that was dance so nobody had any lines to change

what’s on your mind right now? hoping it tstorms really dramatically later

what’s your zodiac sign? gay

name 5 facts about yourself. my eyes are blue, my pupils dont dilate evenly coz one is a bit less dilatable, im horribly nearsighted, i can cross one eye, i have sort of a unibrow

do you believe in karma? i dont believe in not karma

ever been in love? not romantically*

whom do you admire and why? a lot of activists, im interested in activism and volunteering but have rarely been able to actually be involved in things

what was your favorite bedtime story as a child? man i dont remember having bedtime stories, i dont think i did that much after learning to read myself. i read “pat the bunny” a lot for my little brother, that one was his fave

did you make someone laugh today? i dont think so

do you believe in ghosts? ive always liked hearing about ghost shit, i am not inclined to think that everyone who says theyve had Ghost Encounters is lying, i know ppl personally who have stories who i dont think are lying and it would be presumptuous to say like “well but they probably didnt REALLY x y or z,” and yet still i am always skeptical abt the whole thing. i am agnostic abt everything ever re afterlife stuff, but again—if we’re in a horror movie haunted house situation and shits going down, im going to assume ghosts and everything ive heard about them is true and act accordingly until we’re out of there, Greg The Adamant Disbeliever can have fun dying. and catch me not messing around w ouija boards or any of that shit either...im good.

if you could go back in time which time period would you visit? visit....damn i dunno.

would you want to live forever? why/why not? i mean if other ppl are doing it to then it might be fine. but like me specifically as things are now living forever, im not much interested. someone else can have my immortality

what makes you sad? shit like, life man

was today typical? why/why not? yeah i didnt do anything interesting

who do you trust the most? i dont particularly distrust anyone but i dont really have anything i’d need to trust anyone over

what did you have for breakfast today? i didnt

do you have any regrets looking back in your life? not really

what’s your favorite fictional universe? i dont have one

favorite tv show? i dont have one

share a favorite quote. i have some but i’ll never be able to think of one on the spot

what does your ideal day look like? ahh idk. doing something fun while being around other people

do you have any hobbies? i guess drawing / writing count. theres other things but i dont do them regularly / recently

share a small random book passage that means something to you. dont have one

what’s something you always wanted to do but were too scared? theres not really anything like that

do you usually date people your age or older/younger? neither

who means the world to you? why? any cat ive ever met b/c theyre angels

best books you’ve ever read? i guess i can plug the ashbury/brookfield books again

who is your favorite cartoon character? i gotta say lars dont i

coffee or tea? tea

would you rather be extremely rich or extremely loved? loved but like by multiple ppl right? gimme that magnitude in Widely rather than Intensely

are you a dog or a cat person? i feel like only dog ppl consider this to be a real Binary

what is your biggest addiction? biting my lip endlessly lol

do you ever think about the galaxy? sure

what’s your favorite color? blue

do you have a good relationship with your parents and siblings? why/why not? nah...my sibs and i are like friendly acquaintances i guess. thatll be an abusive household i guess

are you a morning or a night person? night

have you ever dealt with a mental illness? I Guess

how would your friends describe you? uhhhh people say im funny sometimes

do you consider yourself and extrovert or an introvert? bit of both

what’s something you love watching/reading but you are too embarrassed to admit you do? i dont think i have any secrets there

describe yourself in 3 words. extremes, thoughtful, Gay

best memory as a child? idk i always liked swimming and going to pools / waterparks

what is your eye and hair color? blue / brown, respectively.

do you like crystals? theyre cool

if you could change one thing in the world, what would it be? imperialism banned

what’s your hogwarts house? idk slytherin hufflepuff or smthing

biggest pet peeve? theres many..

would you rather go to a cocktail party with your best friends or stay home and read a book/watch a movie with your pet? well first i need the mythical best friend group but also can we be doing something more fun than a cocktail party

share a secret. I’ve Pooped Outside

would you rather live longer or happier? this might only be a difficult choice if it was live shorter or happier

who’s story is your biggest inspiration in life? why? nobody coz idk

do you wear glasses? yes

forest or river? forest

do you like exercise? its alright i dont like just straightup running though

do you like poetry? it depends on who the poet is. cishet white dudes shouldnt be allowed, for starters

any special talent that you have? i’m good at telling if lines are parallel lol

[imissyoulilgucciv]

So this has become more of a journal/grief thing which is interesting because I’ve also had a blogger but set to private since like 13 so thats intense and I have thousands of compulsive letters to no one, but my head just doesn’t seem to sort itself out, unless I can actually slow down enough, like right here. 

Today, 

Woke up 2 hours earlier than usual so I could have 1.5 hours more to instal my art, the word art makes me uncomfortable which is funny to me, so I went to install my thing but there was an accident so instead I got there with 30 mins, I got most of it done but not all, didn’t matter it was an inprogress crit and I could enough up to see. I always have so much in my head and I also used text this time which I thought was also funny because when talked about they called it poetry and I just didn’t even look at it like that 

I feel like this is the first project I didn’t stress over at all, but also had a lot of time to do it and no pressure from the teacher with harsh deadlines or anything so that was part of it, the other part is being in such a place of discomfort and shock that I have to be slow and I don’t have it in me to add any more chaos to the grief I’m feeling. So for me that is actually one benefit of this, its just saying fuck it to a lot of things, but in good ways. 

 my teacher cried during my crit which made me feel just great, and then I didn’t get a parking ticket but I should have, so I was excited and left but then went back to remove my shit and photo and then I went to get my car and bring it closer for the camera (long story) but I drove my car back in a slightly different spot and then still got a ticket because  the chalk was still on my wheels even though I was gone for at least an hour and a half. but whatever theres like 4 hours worth of “work”, not my biggest worries though. 

Then I busted my phone, my thoughts were oh well now I have an excuse for not wanting to respond to this persons text about hanging out.  

so i go get my old phone to see if I should still use that one, and ofcorse doing this leads me to 1 years worth of messages with gus. The struggle is real, I can’t even cry because this is so overwhelming, I knew it was always hard, and I was different this time around because I Was pushing back, but like you just see the back and forward nature and gus is like “im done” this is too much for me and then the next day or same day its like hopeful for the future we have and even one that was a super cute photo of like flower people (to me it was super sexual but he didn’tn notice this until I pointed it out then we joked  about being watered) but he said he wouldn’t worry any more and that he was sure no matter where we ended up we’d do something good or something like that, something that could make a small difference or whatever and that is heartbreaking, then you know the next day all over again fast and furious and I imagine how exhausting that was for gus, it’s overwhelming and I Feel in my state of greif I can understand BUT from the point of view that I have a reason to feel these ways which is much easier than to have a seemingly perfect life, beautiful face, no visible problems and people think stop whining or whatever and you feel crazy as shit because nothing feels right but nothing is wrong except you. Thats not a good feeling. Thats the invisible wheel chair. I just wish I had done so many different things, and said so many different things, I started joining in on the upset because I Wasn’t going to do that this time, I was being hurt to so lots of fuck you’s and I love yous and its fucking nuts, its all nuts, and this was the last time... I had no idea what I was in for. I could have done better but I was too involved, and also blinded by optimism. you don’t know whats in someones head and I forgot while gus was honest, he also had a way of only discolosing certain info, I thought he didn’t do that with me but in reality I can see now he did, just like he picked and chose what to tell his therapist about me, so that my image was protected. Gus was odd in that way, to protect my image because of how he felt, and its not that he was protecting his image to me, but I know he did want us to work out and he was giving me his best sides, and I loved those sides, and to think I got all the good, and yet still by the day, maybe week, maybe once a month you name it we would have really confusing fights where he would insit on withdrawing and I should have let him, I should have understood it was TOO much like he said I mean I thought I felt it was too much too, but like then it comes down to the I dont want to live without you 

and he realizes he can’t live with me 

and he doesn’t want to keep hurting me or his mom, and he realizes he could actually really hurt either one of us when he’s not making any sense 

and its exhausting back and forth, one week feels like a fucking month, and I think his whole teen/adult life was like that, it was super condensed and super fast. He did travel, he did live in a commune for a period, dual citizenship, went through a good amount of personality growth and interests, and the last being one that I respect a lot, permaculture, and then the things that stayed the same with him like the inside jokes and the laughing, his clenliness and interest in some rap with the perfect lyrics and same taste in music, so loving, so embracing. 

I can’t read these and think its over, I still open the door to his room when I get home and I think Hey Gus I’m back!! and I want to tackle him and give him all the hugs and kisses. The thing is we never had that though, I mean I never came home here, this was never my home, always a place I felt welcome but I didn’t live here, and I didn’t come here like every day nor usually when I was done with school, there would be times wher eI’d come but he would greet me at the front door, so this coming into the room and him being there is a fantasy I’ve created, Its the one where I think god like why couldn’t this be how it was, why couldn’t we have been this ideal happy family.. why did you have to leave, and why did I go so hard on you, and I know it wasn’ my choice but I really I’m so stubborn I can’t get over it I can’t forgive myself, I can’t thin it couldn’t have been different because it could have, and it wasn’t and I was part of that circle. I failed in ways I wasn’t aware of but I still feel accountable. 

So now to complete my overwhelming day, 

to see the medium perform ! Gus I hope you come, Ive been talking outloud to him, it comforts me, I think now Im going to be crazy lady , the one that doesn’t talk to cats but talks to the deceased bf. 

Its a disaster. I can’t be the same. I feel so wrong, but also free in all my wrongness because I can say piss off, I’m still working on  my piss of people pleasing skills because it just happens, I get nervous, then adrenaline that allows me to perform instead of being myself, or how I Feel. instead I can only use words and when my expression doesn’t match people don’t take me seriously, how can I blame them ?

I just miss you, 

I have a bracelet from the women in my group, she said she thought of me, that means so much to me, it says “my story isn’t over yet” super cliche but the intention and the person behind it just makes me cry because we share the worst thing imaginable. Blessed. although I’m not sure how to ever wear it because its a set size metal bangle type which never fit my wrists. 

I feel pretty nuts when I write like this, but I’d rather be here than having real friends and feeling like im going to have a melt down. I can’t cry right now even after reading those texts, I don’t know how I feel. I’m confused and upset but its numbing today. 

I do think gus was Bipolar which was what he said the first time around, he had actually been diagnosed, but that fell through, which I partically wonder if that was my influence on him and unfortunately I think between me and drug counceling he was oppossed to understanding the benefit of medication/or even necessity, and also the benefits of being diagnosed so proper treatment can at least be attempted, even though, unfortunately, the books just don’t always work. Like the book of parenting, or relationships because  I Was all wrong, and I have to think from the side of being with someone mentally ill, while I knwo I can’t be treated like crap, most of the time gus wasn’t treating me poorly other than making me hurt by the break ups and while I knew sometimes it was him being withdrawn and worried about how I felt, or being paranoid and we’d be okay sometimes it wasn’t that easy and my emotions would also take over so I’d believe him entirely and I’d be very hurt because it would always be very sudden. if only wed gotten help sooner, but I think again this time he was actually doing everything by the “book” all at once, he was invested in his interests, he was working out, he had a routine, a loving girlfriend, he was sober, seeking help.. 

and then he looses his shit with me and we think okay moving therapy up 

then he looses his shit with his mom 

then he’s gone 

it doesn’t feel good when you’re doing all the “right” things, thats why I said he wasn’t patient, you expect results, tired of hurting people and tired of feeling hurt, overwhelmed and the fucking pyshcotic voices convincing you of things that make no sense and go against what is actually true, the ones that tell you we’d be better off without you. the ones that told you I was lying or only using you, or whatever

IT wasn’t fair for you or us, and this is the price for all of it. We’d do anything to have you back. I still would have rather been taken out first, but that isn’t what happened. I need your mom to have something from you, I have my dreams but she is sinking and needs to hear something, what is “real” doesn’t matter because to me, whats there is real, just like your delusions, they were real. 

[intoxicatingswift]

the 1:

God the line if my wishes came true it would've been you OK THAT HIT

this feels like a iftye but like folklore version

UGH THE BRIDGE ACTUALLY HIT why was this my exact mood yesterday I already called it I knew I needed this album

cardigan:

can i just say im here for taylors lower tone

A FRIEND TO ALL IS A FRIEND TO NONE ok facts

the Peter losing Wendy line really got me cuz that used to be a thing w me n some1 *cries*

chasing shadows in the grocery line nooo

this is like an other side of the door but folkmore IDK IT JUST REMINDS ME OF IT

the last great american dynasty:

god i had to restart it 3 times my fam r so noisy pls.

i really feel like the stripped back style of production really allows taylors lyrics and storytelling within songs to shine. like ive got the maddest mental images of screaming matches between Rebecca and bills family and small town style rumours passing from someone to another

mental music video basically and also u can see the strength of rebecca which is only paralleled by smth ive experienced from books/TV? imagine the skill it takes to tell such a story in a few minutes that people see in 358 pages or 12 1hr installations

EXILE YES BON IVER:

can u tell im excited for this one

ughhh his harmonies are always *chef's kiss*

side note this rly is pushing me and giving me a better sense of identity for the sort of music I want to make thank u Taylor 🥺

god taylor urs and bon ivers voices go together so beautifully u both know how to make a harmony so good

the metaphors are so.... UGH I LOVE

my tears ricochet:

im in love with the vocalising in the intro omg

if I'm on fire you'll be made of ashes too yes hunger games let's go (no for real I just re read it and loved it again so)

ok no the lyrics on this one just HIT me particularly even tho I'm gonna say that on every song OK

I feel like theres a lwymmd ref in here 😶

the line I didn't have it in myself to go with grace spoke to me like i feel like that was extracted directly from my brain

still can't believe we actually got a whole album wth

mirrorball:

MIRRORBALL U COUNTRY BEAUTY

this song just feels like calm vibes as a blanket, stolen kisses

bro.... i literally wrote half a song with the lyrics that have the same gist of the bridge the whole idea of the circus no longer existing and yet u still feel like u have to perform for that one person cause u need to prove that they made the wrong choice leaving i

seven:

God her voice is hauntingly beautiful here

and though I can't recall your face I still got love for you what a beautiful way to express that you're always loved by someone even if you're no longer close, you live in memories and that's 100% enough and you're enough

THE ENTIRE SECOND VERSE IS ME AND MY FRIENDS AS TEENAGERS? God that hurt especially bc the sentiment of my prev things applies to those same people

SHOUT OUT TO INDIA TAYLOR I FEEL SO SEEN RN LMAO

august:

ahhhhh we had cruel summer and now we have august

"lost in the memory" is one of my favourite lyrics anyway and now taylors used it i

did taylor find out like the story of my life 2016- present bc like this seriously hits the "you were never mine" and the emphasis on August i

OK THE BRIDGE WAS MEEEEEE OH MY GOD how do i write my shitty album when this *gestures to entire folklore aggressively* exists.

oh the outro :( whoever said this is taylors melodrama was onto smth fr

this is me trying:

just looking at the lyrics is this ootw; the next chapter 👁️👄👁️

this is so beautifully sad

you're a flashback in a film reel on the one screen in my town okkkkkkkkkkk wow 🥺

illicit affairs:

why do i feel like this is joe and tays story post met gala👁️

YOU SHOWED ME COLOURS IS SUCH A METAPHORICALLY DEEP AND BEAUTIFUL LINE HI OOTW REFERENCE

invisible string omg OK I claimed this one pre listen:

oh crap the colour references already spoke to me bc long ago I had a concept to link songs to colours

also the idea of storybook romance as well with the "used to think I'd meet somebody there"

i love the invisible string theory also oh my god

BAD BLOOD OMG this is such a random detail abt how Joe heard bad blood the first time he was in LA and I love it

LMAO not taylor getting recognised on their anniversary trip 😭

also can i just say the plucking strings keeping the same rhythm/volume the way through somehow contributes to the invisible string theory i loooooveeeeee the lyric/music matching here (did i just somehow compare this to vq matching? think so ok maybe there's hope for me as a medic yet 💀)

taylor rly said fuck adam tom and whoever else Joe is it

OK THE REFERENCES TO GOLD HI DWOHT

ALSO PURPLE PINK SKIES HELLO INTHAF AKA MY STAN SONG WHICH EVERYONE SLEEPS ON

safe to say i made a correct choice stanning this song pre listen ahahaah

mad woman:

the chords on this i am in love, the chaos of the string instruments yessss

here for the strength lol

this is i did something bad but quiet scary angry version

CALLED IT HELLO IDSB REFERENCE

ugh the delicacy in how the words are pronounced in the second chorus shows how hurt and strong u can be simultaneously

mirrored ofc by the soft piano and percussion of hand claps ugh taylor im so happy u made this album

epiphany:

im getting let it all go vibes from this also bon iver

oh it's coronavirus :( yeah

side note wear a mask this seriously was unprecedented and ik at my work (icu) while I was FT we had a couple boxes of antiviral ppe and I did a shift just as things got bad here and it was all completely gone. at the time we'd only had a couple query covid cases so pls. WEAR A MASK ESP U LOT ON THE TUBE/TFL RAIL

i feel like this song reflects how slow the pain can be when ur losing someone like literally watching their breaths slow and also the emotional pain.

betty:

omg this is one of the teenager love story three aaahhhhh it's so cute BUT I SERIOUSLY REMEMBER THE TEENAGE ANGST oh man i Really do

also hello country tay

ugh all ur stupid friends it seriously sounds like 17 year old boy 😭

peace:

LOVE THAT GUITAR RIFF YES AM SO HERE FOR THAT

I made good choices in the songs I chose pre listen all of this is literal poetry and I'm so glad I can focus on the lyrics more because of the production yes i know I already said that

DREAMSCAPES I LOVE THAT WORD I WAS JUST THINKING I NEED TO INCORPORATE IT INTO A SONG

the i-i-id in I'd swing with you for the fences, the delicacy in "give you a child"

now I see your brother as my brother hello paper rings reference (it's not even but yall know)

the rain (paps/media) can well and truly fuck off

"would it be enough if I could never give you peace" actual poetry.

hoax:

i love the dainty piano ugh that HIGH night

the octave differences on the chorus

don't want no other shade of blue hello paper rings

OK this one has a lot to unpack tbh i probably will pore over this like the English poetry i missed out on by choosing stem

also fuck kimberly lmao

[s3venpounds]

1-59

yo

1. selfie (no can do, i honestly am too lazy and i have no clue how to add photos into these lel)

2. what would you name your future kids? Skylark, Silver, Thorn, Pas

3. do you miss anyone? yes

4. what are you looking forward to? waking up to a S.O that loves me, a house that we both love, a job I love, income I can live off comfortably, and the only source of stress I have is if something isnt routine

5. is there anyone who can always make you smile? @artbeetle hands down

6. is it hard for you to get over someone? yeah

7. what was your life like last year? happier

8. have you ever cried because you were so annoyed? nope

9. who did you last see in person? Aleksi

10. are you good at hiding your feelings? nope. I’m an open book.

11. are you listening to music right now? yeah, the beauty and the beast soundtrack Evermore lol

12. what is something you want right now? a million dollars would be nice

13. how do you feel right now? groggy and i have a stomach ache from last night so not feeling 100% right now

14. when was the last time someone of the opposite sex hugged you? a long time now that i think about it. i guess thats my fault since i’ve been avoiding hugs because i’m still worried people think of me as the “wheres my hug?” guy from middle school lol

15. personality description: a steaming pile of bile tbh. loud when I’m trying too hard to be friends with you, cuss like a trucker, quiet when youre in the innermost circle of friends. i make a lot of jokes that cross lines and unless someones seriously offended and says something I don’t stop.

16. have you ever wanted to tell someone something but you didn’t? yes

17. opinion on insecurities. go ahead and have them, just don’t let them become permanent. you only have so much time in this world and youre going spend it worrying about other people who will forget everything in like 10 years max? like no one really cares if you tripped on nothing that one time. sure they’ll laugh but realistically theyll laugh for about 15 minutes then forget it completely by the next 3 days.

18. do you miss how thing were a year ago? yeah

19. have you ever been to New York? nope. dont plan to.

20. what is your favourite song at the moment? Lie To Me George Nozuka

21. age and birthday? 21, may 17

22. description of crush. she’s reliable, comforting, pleasant to be with, gives off an air of happiness and contentment, easy on the eyes and knows how to keep the flow of conversations or mood going. She can be spontaneous or mysterious when she wants to. She warms my heart with her smile and I will never forget the little thing her cheeks do when she does smile.  

23. fear(s) death. thats it. 

24. height 5 foot 6 i think. i may have grown to 5 foot 7 haven’t measured in a while. wish i grew more tho

25. role model my friend William lol he is goals.

26. idol(s) I don’t really keep track of any celebrities so none really.

27. things i hate. 3 people i hate specifically, uhhhh break ups, my dad, some “friends”, when apologies arent enough( otherwise whats the point of having the word exist), when I take a joke too far and it hurts a relationship I like, when i stub my toes or bang my fingers on something, when friends snapchat me of a hangout I wasn’t invited or even told about when the whole group is there, when people are at a dance and everyone forms that dance circle for random people to go in and dance their heart out then someone busts out breakdancing in a crowd thats literally the worst group of dancers( like seriously i dare you to watch that shit. unless someone has some serious balls no one will go in the circle after that for a whole 5-10 minutes because no one can follow that up. like thats fine if youre in a group of other really good dancers or break dancers but like come on man. thats like having a seasoned and grown ass michael jordan in your middle school basketball game. )

28. i’ll love you if… you make me a handmade gift, you tell me you were thinking of me, you give me a lot of attention lol, you share your food with me, you try some of my favourite games or watch my favourite animes with me, we end up saying the same shit at the same time, do crazy shit with me, ride rollercoasters with me, if youre cold or something and you need to borrow my jacket or sweater i will gladly lend it to you unless its like - 30 then we share lol, if you rant to me or vent to me. if you keep the conversation going unless you know im in a bad mood or something serious happened

29. favourite film(s) Treasure planet. thats it. 

30. favourite tv show(s) Spider riders? di gata defenders, samurai jack, martin mystery, totally spies, jacob two two, team galaxy, ben 10 ( only up to ultimate alien and alien force, the rest sucked), code lyoko, master chef, chopped, medabots, gundam seed, the weekenders, code name kids next door, uhh theres probably like 30 other ones but nothing else i can remember off the top of my head.

31. 3 random facts I have a bottle of taro flavoured gin sitting beside my desk, I have reading glasses, I like the feeling of cleaning my ears with cotton swabs

32. are your friends mainly girls or guys? guys. although in highschool it was girls

33. something you want to learn? the italian, korean, and japanese language. maybe russian. I want to learn how to juggle and do card tricks, I want to learn everything about my friends, I want to learn how to profile someone and deduce things sherlock style. I also want to learn more about volleyball tbh

34. most embarrassing moment. I pooped my pants while at a friends 6th birthday and my brother had to help me

35. favourite subject. English. I like poetry the most

36. 3 dreams you want to fulfill? To be in a rowboat in Venice Italy with my significant other under the moonlight and right as we’re about to kiss, fireworks go off in the distance. to be a world renowned psychologist/psychiatrist but working in my old high school trying to help people who are bound to do the same dumb ass shit I did. to wini the lottery or just raise enough money off a really good paying job i like to send my parents back home to philippines like they dreamed. 

37. favourite actor/actress. Mary Elizabeth Winstead or Ellen Page

38. favourite comedian(s) Gabriel iglesias, christopher titus, bo burnham

39. favourite sport(s) volleyball, i dont play many others

40. favourite memory: that one day at cap ex. “ what about this ship?” “ well, we’ll see where it takes us”

41. relationship status pringle.

42. favourite book(s) perks of being a wallflower, eleanor and park, Somebody up there hates you, nick and norah’s infinite playlist, an abundance of katherines

43. favourite song ever Pocket full of dreams by hedley

44. age you get mistaken for: no one guesses my age

45. how you found out about your idol: i met him lol hes my friend’s boyfriend

46. what my last text message says “ like I don’t want to get out of bed”

47. turn ons:  Short hair, freckles, dimples, tits that fit perfectly in my hand or bigger is cool too, into kinky shit, still makes jokes even in sex( not all the time though), likes passionate aggressive sex, tom boyish, asian, very physically touchy/clingy, smells nice, soft skin, tongue when kissing, knows how to dirty talk or sound seductive.

48. turn offs: smells bad(breath or body odor), those dirty white people dreadlocks, being like professional body builder ripped levels, and sure fuck it I’ll say it; being extremely overweight. 

49. where i want to be right now, Venice Italy

50. favourite picture of your idol again, can’t do photos. too dumb

51. starsign Taurus

52. something i’m talented at , guessing a pokemon after hearing its cry only applicable to the first 2-3 generations

53. 5 things that make me happy. friends, food, sleep, money, video games

54. something thats worrying me at the moment. my future and how dark it is

55. tumblr friends I dont have many and the ones i do have i don’t know if i should tag on here

56. favourite food(s) bbq ribs, pulled pork, pizza, bimbimbap, filipino bbq skewers, tosino, lechon kawale, lechon adobo, insemada(not sure how to spell that), pasta, and curry

57. favourite animal(s) cats

58. description of my best friend, hes asian

59. why i joined tumblr, my friend kept using inside jokes and memes from tumblr so i got curious

[xylocls-blog]

January 11, 2017

The day when I cried the first time in front of someone I love, The first time I kneel down just to say “Dont leave” It was actually my first time also to be in an argument with tears falling down on my cheeks, The first time I cried and kept saying “Please” That day, I made a very crucial mistake. I backstabbed the person who chose to love me over someone who want her to stay. I was an asshole to throw some shit words about her, Maybe Some part of my reasons, I only did that because I got hurt that time, That time. But when the days passed, I already accepted the fact that maybe she’s just stating her honest feeling that she still love her ex though I know, she already have me, maybe shes now letting go the past. So thats it, I concluded some things. I overthink. Thats my difficult behavior to stop or change- overthinking.

That day, I was very guilty. I killed the person who only wants the best for me above all. I killed her inside. I was dying inside and sobbing at the same time to the highest level. I did everything. I want another chance to prove to her that It wasn’t my intention to hurt her that way. Im afraid of loosing her to be honest. Shes now my world. I don’t want my world to be steal by someone because she’s already a part of my life and I might loose myself if someone steal her from me. No one should steal of whats already mine. I love her. So much. I’m very truly in love with her, my heart said ❤️

I love her the way she look at me, that kind of look that I might die every time she does that. I love her the way she care for me, its like I’m literally a baby (shes calling me a baby kase ☺) The kind of care na di ko ma- explain ngayon 🙈🙈 R E A L T A L K I love her the way she holds my hand, its like shes going to cherish my hand till the last day we close our eyes. Its like Im always secured with all by her hands. Its like shes going to take me somewhere, the places I love. Its like shes saying that my hand fits only for her.

I love her about everything she does to me. Everything.💕Sweet little things. The sweet like an icing in a cake kind of poetry she make. Food which became my stress relievers. The cuddle moments. The pagsuyo-suyo kind of moment whenever there is “tampuhan.” That acting like a baby because she only wants a kiss in the lips or in the forehead. I love her the way she touch me. Its like we are not leaving each others side. We both have each other. “ I got you, You got me, right? 💕 I love her the way shes making me comfortable when I’m with her. I’m not the shy type of a girl who’s in love. I am now a matured lady with a big and pure heart and ready to take the risks for the someone she truly love.❤ because for her, thats love. Its not being so kind. Its being not so selfish to dedicate yourself to the person you love. Love has so many ways. You can feel it. You can see it. You just have to open your eyes and see the positivity through everything. All I can say is, I love her. I love her in a simplest way. I love her. Thats all I can say, Because thats what my heart says that I love her even through the worst times and good times. I will love her in all possible ways that I can do for her. Shit. I love her. I will love her. I’m not going to stop loving her.

To this person I’m deeply in love with, I’m really sorry if I hurt you. I’m fucking sorry. I was so stupid to hurt you like that. I couldn’t forgive myself. I know we hurt each other but its not enough to be the reason why we should give up. I know I broke your trust but please, Forgive me. Forget how it hurts and let me replace with what I have, My love for you. ❤ Don’t think of how many times I hurt you, or how many times you hurt me. Count the days with our memories cherished. Don’t count the bad ones. I know its very very hard for you to forget the pain but please don’t give up. Don’t give with me. Change takes time. As I said, Give me chance to prove everything but it needs time until you finally feel it. In my part, Its really hard to see the person I hurt once, I broke once, I killed once. But here, I’m not gonna state of any promises just like what others do. I know I’m not a perfect girlfriend of yours. But this is Ranchee. I’m Ranchee. Im different. Im different when I hurt a person, when I love a person, When Im hurt. Im different with all of that. Im different when I get jealous, which is I’m quiet when it happens. I stay quiet because for me, as your other half, you will see it in my eyes if theres something wrong with me, if there’s something bothering me. Nasanay ako sa ganon. Yung tipong sila nalang ang makakapansin na nagseselos ako or what. Ayokong mag overact kung ako mismo magsasabi. Ayokong masyadong nagagalit to the point na pasigaw yung magiging tono ng pananalita ko. Yun nasanay ako. Na kayo ang makakapansin.

I will surrender everything to God. The pain we brought to each other. The hopes that we could still be together. Everything about us. I will let God handle everything. I will let him enter our relationship to be healthy. I will let God be the center of everything. 💕❤

I’m hoping for the best of us, A. If it could be possible, Im gonna marry you. People will be against of that, but there is no such thing to reason out why they should not accept that. God will possibly accept us. Be faithful. You and me, Together. 💍❤

….. R 🌸